- 8 -

Spelunking
Ashton Hall

 When my phone rang at four AM, I knew who it was 
before I opened my eyes. No one else would have the nerve 
to call before seven. While I fumbled to answer, my beagle 
howled in harmony with the ringtone.
 “Nomi?” I asked. I reached down to rub Jinx’s ears. She 
licked my fingers.

“Hey,” she replied. “Let’s go hiking.”
“Where have you been? I haven’t heard from you in-”
“There’s a new park I want to check out. It’s only three 

hours away,” Nomi said, breathless. She sounded like she’d 
just taken the stairs to the top of a skyscraper. “It’s got a lot of 
cool trails-”
 “Honey,” I said, rubbing a hand over my face. “You know I 
love you, but I have class. And work. I’d love to go hiking and 
catch up, but can we do it Saturday?”
 Nomi breathed into the phone. “Saturday. Yeah, okay. I can 
wait until then.” She paused. “Sorry. This was weird.”
 “No. You know you can call me anytime. It’s a bestie perk.” 
I yawned. “Thanks for inviting me, just don’t wait so long to 
call next time. I missed you.”
 “I missed you too,” Nomi replied. “Thanks for answering.” 
She took a breath, like she was about to say something, and 
the line went dead.
 I watched the phone for an entire minute, waiting for it 
to ring again. But it never did. If there was one thing Nomi 
hated, it was saying goodbye. If there was one thing I hated, it 
was a lack of closure. As a compromise, I sent her a text: Love 
you! See you soon, bitch!
 “C’mere, Jinx,” I said, patting the covers beside me. Jinx 
leapt onto the bed in one bound. She turned in a loose, 
luxurious circle and nestled down against my side.
 “This is just for tonight,” I said to her. “Don’t get 
comfortable.”

She huffed and went to sleep. It took me much longer.



- 9 -

 Nomi pulled up in Chanelle, the dented Jeep she bought 
in high school. It was one of the boxy pieces of junk familiar 
to anyone who’d ever bought a used car. But Nomi made 
it special. She hung crystals from the rearview mirror and 
reupholstered the back seat with cheetah-print fabric she 
found at a flea market.
 “I brought snaaaa-acks,” I sing-songed as I buckled into 
the passenger seat. “Licorice for me, trail mix for you. And, of 
course, some blue Gatorade for the road.”
 “Light blue or dark blue?” Nomi asked. Her mouth was 
pulled into a smile, but it didn’t reach her eyes.
 “Dark blue, of course. Wouldn’t want to ruin your life.” 
I smiled back, but it was like Nomi was a mannequin in 
the store window. She looked real enough, but there was 
something artificial about her expression. Normally, our in-
joke made her crack up, and she’d launch into “remember 
when?” Instead, she pulled away from the curb and headed for 
the highway.
 We drove in silence. The air felt charged with static 
electricity, making the hair on my arms stand up. Nomi was 
known for her ability to outtalk a radio televangelist. I’d heard 
her go on for half an hour about gossip she’d overheard at 
Whole Foods.
 “Nomes,” I said as we wove in and out of a line of semi-
trucks. “It seems like you’re feeling something. What’s up?”
 Nomi smiled her mannequin smile and pushed her kinky 
hair away from her face. “Nothing,” she said. “I’m just excited 
to go hiking with my best friend.”

“Okay, but-”
“Do you mind if I turn on the radio?” Nomi asked.
I swallowed what I really wanted to say and sat back in my 

seat. “Uh, sure. That’s fine.” 
 Nomi and I, we’d played this game before. In high school, 
Chanelle had been one of our safe places. How many times 
had Nomi and I sat in these seats, smiling at each other, 
until one of us broke down in tears? Chanelle has seen the 
aftermath of my first visit to a therapist, the famous Fourth of 
July blowout, when I’d come out as Renee, Nomi’s first few 



- 10 -

Spelunking

weeks on antidepressants, and when she’d kissed me because 
there was no one else around for her to kiss. The car was so 
jammed with emotion that I could feel it blow out of the vents 
when we turned on the air conditioner.
 The countryside blew past the window in a green blur. 
Corn fields turned into tangled woods while staticky pop music 
spilled from the car speakers. Nomi and I didn’t speak a word 
until she pulled onto a dirt road and parked the car with two 
wheels in a ditch.

“We’re here,” she said.
 I glanced around. On one side of the road, gnarled oak 
trees stood shoulder to shoulder. On the other, a bare field 
was strewn with the remains of last year’s harvest. As I 
followed Nomi, an ominous feeling blossomed in my gut like a 
poisonous flower.

“Are you sure we’re in the right place?” I asked, turning in 
a slow circle. “I don’t see any signs.”
 “It’s not an official park,” Nomi said. “It’s more a word 
of mouth thing. There’s a huge cave with some passages that 
haven’t even been explored.”

A cave. “Nomi, you told me we were hiking.”
“We are hiking. It’s at least a mile to the cave from here.”
“You know what I mean.”
Nomi crossed her arms over her chest. A floral sleeve 

crawled down her left shoulder, covering up her scars; it had 
as many thorns as it did roses. “We used to go caving all the 
time. I don’t see why this is such a big deal.”
 “You know it’s–” I stopped and took a deep breath. “I 
just wish you’d been honest with me. You know I’d still have 
come.” I didn’t mention that she’d dropped off the face of the 
Earth. I’d be willing to go snorkeling in a landfill to make 
sure she was okay.

“I know you don’t like caves anymore.”
 “They’re not as fun as they used to be,” I said. “But I know 
you still like them. And I’ve forced you to watch the entire 
Monty Python collection. Best friends do things for each 
other.”

Nomi looked down at her boots and kicked a pebble across 



- 11 -

Ashton Hall

the road. “You’re scared.”
“I don’t like the dark. But you brought flashlights, right?”
“Two flashlights and two headlamps. With extra batteries.”
I smiled and swallowed past the tightness in my throat. 

“See? It’ll be fine. Caving Queens for life, right?”
“I’m sorry, Renee,” Nomi said, still staring at her shoes.

 “It’s okay,” I said. “I’m still happy you brought me. Now, 
let’s get a move on before I lose my nerve.”

 Nomi led the way into the forest. Although there was no 
marked path, she walked over the carpet of decaying leaves 
with long, sure strides.

“How do you know where we’re going?” I asked.
“I’ve been here before,” Nomi replied.
“By yourself?”
“Yeah,” Nomi said.
We hiked without stopping. The pace made my chest tight. 

When we used to hike together, Nomi and I would meander 
around, tucking flowers behind our ears and stopping to snoop 
in rotten tree trunks. She’d always been mindful that she was 
taller, leaner, stronger than me. But now it was like she was 
working hard to leave me behind.
 I was winded when we stopped. A blanket of clouds 
obscured the sun. There was a bite in the breeze but sweat still 
dampened the collar of my crewneck. The entrance to the cave 
was hardly more than a hole in the ground. It looked a bit like 
the mouth of a buried giant; its yawn contained a piece of the 
void. My skin prickled.
 Nomi pulled the lights out of her backpack. We geared up 
in silence, routine taking over. When I pulled the headlamp 
over my pixie cut, I felt like we were sixteen again. Two girls 
willing to do anything to get away from our small town— 
including descending into the underworld itself.

It was not a period of my life that I’d missed.
 Without a word, Nomi flicked on her headlamp and 
dangled her legs over the lip of the cave. For a moment, she 
seemed to hang in empty space. Then she jumped, hitting 
the ground with a solid thunk that made my ankles ache in 



- 12 -

Spelunking

sympathy.
 Her headlamp illuminated the clammy brown and white 
walls of the cave. I could smell the chalky perfume of the 
underground already. It was like I was standing in the doorway 
of a childhood home – everything ancient but familiar. Then 
light began to fade, and I realized Nomi was walking away 
from me. Again.

“Nomi! Wait!” I called.
The light bobbed in place.
My pulse pounded in my ears, but it was either jump in or 

let Nomi go alone. And the latter had never been an option.
I closed my eyes and jumped into the hole.

 My boots struck slick stone. My foot skidded. My ankle 
turned. I dropped, skinning my knees against the gritty 
limestone. Blood welled up and mixed with the mud on the 
floor.

“Ow,” I huffed. I rose to my feet. My ankle panged. “Ow!”
“Are you okay?” Nomi asked. She put a hand on my 

shoulder.
 “Great,” I huffed. “Just a couple scrapes. And I think I 
might have twisted my ankle.”
 “Sit over here,” Nomi said. She led me to a stone shelf, and 
I sat. Moisture seeped through the seat of my pants. It was like 
sitting in a cooler.
 Nomi knelt to examine my ankle. In the white light of 
my headlamp, her skin looked taut and ashen, her dark eyes 
sunken into her skull. She was a consumption victim, straight 
out of a period drama.

“Do you mind if I put a little pressure on it?” she asked.
 I blinked at her, and she transformed back into the Nomi I 
knew. “Be my guest,” I said.

Nomi supported my heel with one hand and pushed the toe 
of my shoe back with the other. My ankle screamed.

“Okay! Okay! Stop!”
 Nomi stood, crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t have 
to be a doctor to know you twisted that pretty good,” she said. 

I closed my eyes. I could feel blood dripping down my 
shins. 



- 13 -

Ashton Hall

“Sorry. I really wanted to explore with you.”
 “No. It’s not your fault.” Nomi glanced at the hole. “I 
should’ve brought a rope.”

“Well, it’s not your fault either. You know how clumsy 
I am. Remember when I tripped down the stairs in the 
commons and broke my arm?” I forced a laugh.
 Nomi didn’t laugh with me. “You would not believe how 
much I’ve been fucking up lately,” she said. “This isn’t the 
least of it.”

“Fucking up? What are you talking about?”
 “I mean, you’re hurt, and… Never mind.” She shook her 
head. “I didn’t mean anything. I’m just being dramatic.”

“Nomi, you did mean something,” I said. I tried to soften 
my voice. “I’m worried about you. I haven’t heard from you 
in weeks, and you’ve been cryptic all day. Plus, you’re caving 
again. I wanted to give you space if you needed it, but I’m 
scared. The last time we went caving…” I swallowed. “Please 
tell me what’s happening, Nomes.”
 Nomi turned so that I could only see a sliver of her face. 
Her figure cast a severe shadow on the wall, all sharp angles. 
Her shoulders were so tight it seemed like they could pop out 
of their sockets at any moment.
 “Nothing’s happening,” she said. Her voice echoed through 
the cavern, bouncing back to us over and over. “I’ve just been a 
little stressed. It’s fine.”
 I gritted my teeth. “Stop being so stubborn. You’re acting 
like I don’t know you.”
 Nomi shook her head. “We’ll talk about it on the way 
home, okay?” She wrapped her arms around herself. “We came 
all this way… I’d really like to check out some of the passages 
first. Clear my head. Is that okay?”
 When we were kids, Nomi had made me muffle frustrated 
screams in the crook of my elbow on a weekly basis. I was 
tempted to do that instead of answer. But we weren’t kids 
anymore.
 “As long as you promise we can talk about it in the car, I’m 
happy,” I said. “Go explore. Just try not to get lost, okay? I’ll 
be waiting for you.”



- 14 -

Spelunking

 A few muscle fibers in Nomi’s shoulders relaxed. “Thank 
you,” she said.
 “If I see a single spider, though, I’m going to scream, and 
you’d better haul ass to get here.”
 “I’ll do my best,” Nomi said. She readjusted her headlamp. 
“Be back soon.”

“Have fun. Don’t die!”
That usually made Nomi laugh, but she didn’t even smile 

before turning around and heading for a passage so small that 
she had to bend double. Before she squeezed through its stone 
jaws, she glanced back at me. I wiped my bloody hands on my 
pants and flashed her a thumbs up. With that, she disappeared 
into the darkness, and I was alone.

 I tried to think about the chores I had to do around the 
apartment, projects at work, my upcoming finals, but nothing 
stuck in my mind for more than a heartbeat. Distractions were 
like moths flying into a zapper—dead on contact. All I could 
think about was Nomi wandering the cave alone, descending 
further and further from the surface. With secrets she didn’t 
feel like she could share with me.
 Dread soaked me like a downpour. Every time I closed my 
eyes, I could see a slumped figure, a limp hand, a slicked floor. 
Gritting my teeth, I limped toward the passage into which 
Nomi had disappeared and ducked inside.
 The part of caving that I’d always hated the most was the 
narrow passages. There was something chilling about not 
knowing what was going to be around the next bend. My 
breaths were fast and tight, but I pushed forward.
 I found Nomi beside a tumble of broken stone. She had 
her back to the wall and her face pressed into her knees. She 
trembled like she’d been caught in a blizzard.
 I dropped to my knees beside her. My shins oozed fresh 
blood.

“Nomi,” I said, “honey, are you okay?”
 Nomi didn’t reply. She didn’t even raise her head to 
acknowledge me. I put a hand on her back, and her muscles 
jumped under my touch.



- 15 -

Ashton Hall

“Nomi, I’m here. It’s okay. Are you hurt?”
 Nothing. If it wasn’t for the shaking, I’d worry she was 
dead. I scanned for new cuts, another blade, a fresh puddle of 
blood, but there was nothing. Just Nomi, curled in on herself, 
as small as she’d looked freshman year.

I plopped beside her, close enough that our thighs brushed 
together.
 “Now that we’re gathered here together, the twenty-second 
official meeting of the Caving Queens can commence.” I felt 
a knot forming in my throat. “Today’s agenda includes our 
dating lives, mean things people have said to us in the last 
two weeks, and why we’re sitting in this cave, miles from 
civilization, instead of going to brunch. Does the co-president 
have anything to add to the agenda?”
 Nomi raised her head. Her eyes were bloodshot. Tears and 
snot slicked her face from cheeks to chin. “I think–” she said, 
voice thick, “that it’s the twenty-third official meeting.”
 I could feel tears well in my eyes. “Let it be known that the 
co-president states that it’s the twenty-third official meeting 
and that the other co-president does not give a shit.”
 Nomi made a sound that could have been a laugh or a sob. 
Or both.
 I wrapped both my arms around her, pulling her as close to 
my chest as possible.
 “It’s time to talk,” I said. “No more bullshit. No more lies. 
No more dodging my questions.”

“Okay,” Nomi said into her knees. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry, just be honest. What’s going on?”
“I haven’t been feeling great, lately.”
“Yeah?” I pressed. 
“Yeah. The last few weeks have been… bad.”
“How bad?”
“I, uh, lost my job. So I don’t have insurance anymore. And 

you know how expensive my pills are. I just feel like–” Nomi 
choked back a sob. “This just felt… Inevitable, you know?”

“What felt inevitable?”
 “I just wanted to get it over with,” Nomi said. She shook 
her head and tears dripped from her chin. “Thursday morning, 



- 16 -

I came here to kill myself.”
 My breath jammed in my throat, and I coughed. “Oh,” I said. 
What else was there to say? That’s horrible? Why would you want 
to do that? I’m so glad you didn’t you unbelievably stupid asshole? 
 “I was in the car, about to get out, when I remembered the 
dumbest thing. Do you remember the pact we made sophomore 
year?”
 “Of course I remember it.” It was right before I started 
hormone therapy and Nomi started to question the oppressive 
fog in her mind. When we couldn’t pick apart hormones from 
loneliness from mental illness. Our pact, where we promised 
never to kill ourselves while the other person was alive. It was the 
only reason I survived high school.
 “Yeah?” Nomi said. “Well, I was thinking how shitty it would 
feel to break a promise to you.”
 I felt tears slipping down my face, but I didn’t have the 
strength to wipe them away. “Good. That’s the point of a promise, 
bitch.”
 “I just kept-” she shook her head, “I kept thinking about us as 
stupid kids. And how horrible it’d be if you broke our promise. If 
you were gone, I wouldn’t be here anymore. I know it.”
 I squeezed her so tight that I heard her bones grind together. 
“I’m so glad you called me, Nomi. I’m so fucking glad.”

She squeezed me back, just as hard. “Me too.”
 “I swear to God, if you ever try to drag me into a cave again-” 
I shook my head and tears fell from my chin onto my bloody 
knees.

“No,” she said. “I’m done.”
“Good. Get up. You’re coming home with me.” I kissed her 

damp cheek. “Jinx is just going to have to get used to sleeping on 
the floor again.”
 “I’m not sleeping in your twin bed with you. You’ll spoon me,” 
Nomi said.
 “I will, and you’ll love it. It’s going to be so comfy I doubt 
you’ll ever leave. In fact, I’m feeling a cuddle coming on now. 
Let’s go, before it overtakes me.”
 We shared a wrung-out, exhausted laugh. Nomi stood and 
pulled me to my feet along with her. Later, there would be a 
reckoning. And more tears. And renewed promises. But first, we 
had to leave the cave. Together, Nomi and I wove through the 
passage, leaving the darkness behind us.