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Ingredients: (Do not substitute anything — this is not a “I want to make it health-
ier” dessert recipe. You either have to accept your rotting teeth from this glorious 
sugar-filled creation, or never eat it. Your choice). 

• ½ cup butter, softened  
• 1 (8 ounce) packaged cream cheese, softened 
 - Philadelphia is the way to go — my family has never been there, but  
 they make damn good cream cheese. 
• ½ cup confectioners’ sugar  
• 2 (3.5 ounce) packages instant vanilla pudding mix  
 - Or one chocolate, one vanilla packet for any Midwestern family 
 celebration, to appease the masses. 
• 3 ½ cups milk  
• 1 (12 ounce) container frozen whipped topping, thawed 
 - Cool Whip or bust, we are but mere mortals to the vegetable oil gods. 
• 32 ounces chocolate sandwich cookies with creme filling  
 - Oreos are synonymous with the concept of cookie sandwiches and that 
 is for a valid reason. Anyone who tries to use an imposter will be evicted 
 from the kitchen for their blasphemy1.  
• Optional: Gummy worms  
 - Emphasis on optional. This is a mixture of creamy (pudding) and 
 crunchy (Oreos), but if you want to add jaw-exhausting gummy worms 
 to force your eaters to slow down and chew their food, have at it.  
  - But I will be judging you through this article.  

1. Chop cookies very fine in the food processor. The white cream will disappear. 
 a. If you let your child do this step, make sure that the cover is sealed 
 properly. 
  i. Otherwise, you’re going to have your Yorkie trying to lick up 
  all of the cookie crumbs on the floor while your kid cries because 
  they got Oreo crumbs in their face. 
2. Mix butter, cream cheese, and sugar in a bowl. 
 a. Use an industrial mixer (Or my mother, the strongest person in the 
 house). 
3. In a large bowl, mix milk, pudding and whipped topping together. 
4. Combine pudding and cream mixtures together. 
 a. Make sure that when you’re done, you hand off the spatula and bowl 
 to your kid;  they will return with a licked-clean bowl and a chocolate-y 
 face. No matter if they’re four or twenty-four, your kid will have 

Signe Nettum

My Mother’s Dirt Cake



37

chocolate on their face.  
5. Layer in container, starting with cookies and cream mixture. Repeat layers. 
 a. Do not put too much effort into the display of this creation. This is not 
 a soil measure in your Environmental Science class — this is a pudding 
 cake that weighs in your stomach and makes you think that earthworms 
 might have the right idea in eating dirt if it is this tasty.  
6.  Chill until ready to serve. 
 a. If you think you need two batches, make four. 
  i. My mother finally put her foot down when she caught my 
  cousins going back for thirds and fourths — their excuses were 
  that they grabbed small portions every time. She made all of 
  them their own containers filled with dirt cake. They were 
  intended to have it as a leftover from the event that they could 
  enjoy when they went home.  
  ii. Right before my family left for the evening, each cousin gave 
  her back their Ziplock containers. Two servings in each 
  container, gone in one afternoon. They ended up using their 
  fingers as spatulas to get every last piece of pudding.  
   1. Moral of the story, double the batch, no matter what.