4040

WANTED: Biological Mother 

(Full-time position only)* 

Single, mid-twenties man seeks biological mother. Must be short, less than 5 foot 
4 inches. Looking for matching thin strands of raven hair. Education: bachelor’s 
degree or above, but all levels of education may apply. Preferably an educated 
artist with vibrant mural art in the Tijuana Cultural Center. Live in the Playas out 
west on the coast, far from rusted gates. Will take either a Christian or Catholic, 
not necessarily asking for a saint. Not interested in additional siblings, need full 
one-on-one attention. Husband is acceptable but will never be addressed as papá. 
English preferred for casual conversations. 

(Mi lengua materna no está bien, pero puedo aprender algunas palabras en 
español.) 

Not a dealbreaker. Needs to coparent with another man known as “dad.” Expect 
territorial adoptive mother. May need to contribute to therapy fund. Must provide 
a minimum $50,000 income. If your name is La Llorona or if you are vaguely 
vengeful towards your own children after a messy divorce, please skip ad. 

*Importante: si se encuentra a la madre biológica, por favor contacte por teléfo-
no. No se necesitan planes de viaje adicionales. Hasta pronto. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WANTED: Romantic Partner 

(Serious relationship only)* 

Single, mid-twenties man seeks serious relationship. Must be slightly taller than 5 
foot 4 inches. Bachelor’s degree or above preferred. Fashion style: dark academia 
aesthetic. Noir-colored jackets, plaid, high-waisted pants, and wire-framed glass-
es. Your significant other will match the style as well. Open to wearing cross-
shaped jewelry, as well as tattooed verses. Contact with new in-laws (certainly) 
optional. May encounter biological Spanish mother living in home. No additional 
language experience required. Courtship is three weeks trial-run before partner is 
expected to commit. Active listening required for trauma-dumping sessions when 
therapy is not available. Consistent reassurance mandatory.  

Xavier Neier

WANTED ADS



41

Additional requirements include: 

• Texting and Calling 24/7 (Prepare for 2:00AM Panic Attacks) 
• Spiraling Conversations on Zillow Apartments 
• Exploration for the Best Indianapolis Restaurants for Dates ($20 per Meal 

Limit) 
• Building Pillow Forts with Emotional Security Blankets 
• Broken Cars that I Can Fix (Wheels Only) 

Modest physical contact (handholding, resting on each other, prolonged eye-con-
tact) is considered long-term commitment. If unsure of commitment levels, 
please skip ad. 

*Important: if the partner leaves after the 3-week mark, they are expected to 
cover the costs of the other’s therapy sessions. 1 week of dating = 1 hour therapy 

session.