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WANTED: Lobotomist  
(one-time job, name your price)* 

Autistic, genderqueer twenty-something seeks competent but morally dubi-
ous surgeon willing to perform a lobotomy on their father. Official job title not 
required, but experience preferred. Must provide your own tools. Transorbital or 
prefrontal are both acceptable methods. The following behaviors and capabilities 
from my father must be semi-guaranteed post-operation: still able to drive, so he 
can take me to Blockbuster (I do not care that the only one left is in Oregon) and 
we can pick out a movie (it will be Barbie related) and on the way back stop and 
buy a Hershey’s Cookies n’ Cream bar to share. Remembers how to swim, so we 
can spend summer days in the pool at the house we don’t live in anymore, dunk-
ing each other underwater and wasting water via attacks-by-garden-hose. Sudden 
aversion to firearms, prompting him to sell his many guns and use the money to 
re-purchase all the toys he and my stepmother sold without my permission when 
I was 11. Retains no memory of stepmother; will be compelled to sell her vari-
ous minstrel memorabilia. Hearing the words “MAGA,” “Brandon,” or “Donald 
Trump” will cause him physical pain and/or intense panic (if you must pry his 
eyes open and torture him with Fox News Clockwork Orange style, I will not 
question your methods). Important: please have a similar vibe to Herbert West. 

*Please print the additional ad below until one of the two is answered. 

WANTED: Replacement Father 
(full-time)* 

Autistic, genderqueer twenty-something seeks replacement father for the hol-
lowed out, still-warm crater the original left behind. Must be physically strong 
but emotionally vulnerable, like Spider-Man, so you’re not afraid to hug me tight 
and cradle me in your arms. Intense sense of justice required, like Batman, but 
more open to killing fascists, like Captain America. Will smile at me and ruf-
fle my hair and say it looks cute shaved short. Would accompany me to a pride 
parade, while wearing a shirt proudly proclaiming your love for your little queer 
child. Being gay is not required, but preferred, so I may have a chance at not one, 
but two replacement fathers. Acceptable applicants, compiled from ages 10-now,  
include: Danny Tanner, Doctor Who (David Tennant specifically), V (he had a 
Vendetta), Sasha Nein, Professor Membrane, Kiryu Kazuma, Stanford Pines.**  

Tegan Blackburn

(I) Wanted (My D)ad



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*If this ad is answered first, please remove the original and kindly print the fol-
lowing below. 

**If you are not any of these men but embody similar qualities, please respond. 

WANTED: Lobotomist 
(one-time job, name your price) 

Autistic, genderqueer twenty-something seeks competent but morally dubious 
surgeon willing to give them a lobotomy. Official job title not required, but expe-
rience preferred. Must provide your own tools. Please use whatever method will 
allow for more specific, minute changes. Depending on how extensive you can be 
without causing unwanted damage, please remove as many memories as possible 
of my former father. All of them would be preferred, but a majority is acceptable. 
Please leave any and all other memories and faculties in-tact. If the former be-
comes unlikely or impossible, pockets of amnesia can be forgiven. Take care not 
to mistake memories with replacement father for former father. This part should 
not be difficult. Important: please have a similar vibe to Herbert West.