








































Humanitas: Indonesian Psychological Journal 

Vol. 21 (1), February 2024, 40-52 

ISSN:  2598-6368(online); 1693-7236(print)   

 humanitas@psy.uad.ac.id     http://journal1.uad.ac.id/index.php/Humanitas    https://doi.org/10.26555/humanitas.v21i1.472 

Why stay despite intimate partner violence? Lived experiences of 

victims in positions of strength 

Solly Matshonisa Seeletse 

Sefako Makgatho Health Sciences University, South Africa 
Corresponding Author: solly.seeletse@smu.ac.za 

This is an open access article under the CC BY-SA license. 

Introduction 

Almost every community has victims of domestic violence (Woodlock, 2017). Domestic 
violence seems to have received little or no attention in South Africa during the apartheid 
years, as there were no specific acts directed directly at it, despite intimate partners reporting 
cases of abuse at police stations and cases of partner murders occurring at high rates, 
especially femicide. This condition means that domestic violence has become widespread. 
When democracy dawned in 1994, the South African government started to pay attention and 
saw it proper to tackle the problem head-on. As a result, the government introduced and 
implemented the Domestic Violence Act in the year 1998 to address domestic violence, 
including intimate partner violence problems, in an attempt to stop partners from abusing and 
killing each other (Domestic Violence Act, 1998). The government also brought a new 
phenomenon of protecting every citizen from any form of harassment, but mainly as an effort 

ARTICLE  INFO ABSTRACT  

Article history 

Received June 29, 2023 

Revised October 1, 2023 

Accepted February 6, 2024 

Intimate partner violence is a problem in every country worldwide, 
including South Africa. This qualitative study aimed to gather insights 
into the lived experiences of victims of intimate partner violence, who 
were the financial providers in their families and the more stable in 
terms of careers but remained in the relationships for prolonged 
periods. Five face-to-face interviews were conducted with individual 
participants from Pretoria township communities in the Gauteng 
Province of South Africa. The interviews were transcribed verbatim 
and then analyzed using the thematic content analysis. The themes 
generated from the victims’ lived experiences explain their 
disempowerment. The themes that emerged were the aggressor being 
untouchable, fear for one’s life, feeling helpless, desperate and 
vulnerable, self-blame, and being trapped in the relationship. The 
experience of being abused, especially by a completely weaker 
partner, was shattered and associated with a helpless life during the 
relationship. Therefore, the victims of intimate partner violence need 
exposure beyond the police and guidance in social work services that 
can help them seek alternative ways to escape intimate partner 
violence. People need to be empowered to have courage, to be brave, 
to have knowledge about resourceful institutions, and to be 
independent. 

Keywords 

domestic violence; 

fear;  

threat; 

vulnerable. 

mailto:humanitas@psy.uad.ac.id
http://journal1.uad.ac.id/index.php/Humanitas
https://doi.org/10.26555/humanitas.v21i1.472
mailto:solly.seeletse@smu.ac.za
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/


Humanitas: Indonesian Psychological Journal 41 

 

           Solly Matshonisa Seeletse (Why stay despite intimate partner violence? Lived experiences of…)   

to fortify the efforts of the Domestic Violence Act by introducing the Protection from 
Harassment Act in 2011 (The Protection from Harassment Act, 2011). South Africa still 
observes domestic violence, including intimate partner violence, in particular, is escalating. 
With the ineffective justice system for the victims of domestic violence, including intimate 
partner violence, these two Acts remain ineffective, and the number of victims is bound to 
escalate. In the meantime, victims of domestic violence, including intimate partner violence, 
face many life challenges that threaten their physical, mental, and social health, resulting in a 
higher prevalence of stress and mental instability (Stark, 2012).  

Domestic violence occurs in many forms within the domestic sphere. The United 
Kingdom government defines domestic violence as any incident or pattern of incidents of 
bullying, controlling, making threats, violence, or abuse of anyone who is, or was, an intimate 
partner or family member, irrespective of gender or sexuality (Lloyd, 2018). Domestic 
violence can incorporate forms of emotional, financial, psychological, physical, and sexual, 
among others (Domestic Violence and Abuse: New Definition, 2018). Being exposed to 
domestic violence engenders several responses and needs (Etherington & Baker, 2018), 
resulting in anyone experiencing domestic violence, including intimate partner violence, 
displaying difficulties in their daily activities. 

Intimate partner violence victims experience plentiful challenges and barriers when 
they want to leave abusive relationships. It seems worse in the case of ethnic minorities and 
immigrants. Moreover, additional barriers to leaving abusive relationships include 
institutional racism, immigration laws, culture and religion, issues of cultural competence, 
and lack of diversity within frontline services (Hulley et al., 2023). Such barriers increase 
feelings of fear, threat, isolation, and powerlessness. Abusers also further tighten the barriers 
to extend their reign of terror and control. As a result, victims stay in an abusive relationship 
or face further threats and consequences if they attempt to leave. 

Intimate partner violence survivors need, and some even seek help. An initial step is 
identifying how intimate partner violence victims employ their sense of individual agency 
(Waller & Bent-Goodley, 2023). Many intimate partner violence victims usually end up being 
murdered, while others have to fight to be free from their tormentors. Intimate partner 
violence can be disastrous to family, children, or new dating partners, and some can even die 
in resultant homicides (Kafka et al., 2023). In the US, intimate partner violence abusers also 
sometimes die during law enforcement response to intimate partner violence, and others by 
suicide after committing homicide. 

Intimate partner violence is widespread, costly, and associated with increased morbidity 
and mortality, with the short-term and long-term effects being on the physical, mental health, 
and social well-being of those affected and their children (Miller & McCaw, 2019). More 
research is needed to understand intimate partner violence's various dynamics in different 
contexts, even though healthcare systems attempt to educate about intimate partner violence, 
including prevention, identification of intimate partner violence victims, intervention, and 
recovery. Social and legislative policies related to intimate partner violence exist. Still, 
intimate partner violence prevails more in women than conditions such as diabetes, 
depression, or breast cancer, but it often remains unnoticed by health professionals (Miller & 
McCaw, 2019). 

The case of the US shows that after leaving the abusive partners, some victims continue 
to be victimized, such as nonphysical violence, which affects mental health (Redding et al., 
2023). It is common to be stalked, where protective orders have been issued. The abusers 
often find ways to torment their intimate partner violence victims using many nonphysical 
ways that have adverse health outcomes, mainly of a mental nature (Redding et al., 2023). 
Intimate partner violence in Canada, mainly migrants from several countries, showed that the 
abuser follows the victim even after separation, continuing the abuse (Giesbrecht et al., 2023). 
Intimate partner violence abuse consists of physical, sexual, emotional, economic, and legal 
forms. Even after separation, the victims experienced coercive control, isolation, surveillance, 



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stalking, and harassment. The weakness of these victims was their status as newcomers to the 
areas, poor social connections, and limited or no English language proficiency (Giesbrecht et 
al., 2023). 

Leaving an abusive relationship is a difficult process for all survivors (Carthy et al., 
2023). For men, this can be particularly challenging due to the current knowledge and support 
for survivors being heavily influenced by a feminist discourse despite a growing body of 
research that examines men’s experiences. This condition raises concerns about how men 
make sense of abuse, where they seek support for injuries and psychological distress, and 
what services are available to them to help them move on from abuse. Narrative interviews 
with 12 midlife and older men (aged 45–65 years) who had experienced intimate partner 
violence from a female were conducted to explore their journey of leaving the abuse (Carthy 
et al., 2023). The men’s stories revealed themes of how they made sense of what was 
happening to them (legitimacy as a survivor and self-help), their experiences of service 
readiness to respond to male victimization (discrimination from police, legal system set up to 
support women, and service readiness for males), and how men can leave abuse (post-
separation abuse and support from friends and family). Implications of the findings 
demonstrate that many services are still not equipped to support male survivors; therefore, 
they found it difficult to comprehend their actions as abuse. This condition seemed to have 
been negatively reinforced by ineffective services and stereotypical beliefs about abuse. 
However, informal support through friends and family is a powerful tool in supporting men 
to leave abusive relationships. More effort is needed to increase awareness of male survivors 
and ensure that services, including legal systems services, are inclusive. It is difficult to leave 
an abusive relationship, especially for male victims (Carthy et al., 2023). This condition is 
thought to mean that men assign meanings differently from women to intimate partner 
violence abuse. Systems have been developed to cater to women intimate partner violence 
survivors, but there are no platforms and services equipped to support male survivors.  

The case of intimate partner violence victims seeking help when trying to leave their 
abusive partners has been studied among African countries to determine the dynamics of 
intimate partner violence (Selestine et al., 2023). In Africa, mostly, women are shamed when 
they leave their partners, even due to abuse. This condition then makes some women stay. In 
developed areas of Africa, though, victims who attempt to leave often lead to abuser 
intensifying abuse, making it even more difficult to leave. Fear of further abuse, shame, and 
acceptance of intimate partner violence often compel the victims to remain in abusive 
relationships (Selestine et al., 2023). 

In cases of most men who are being abused by women, children become the tools of 
the abuse (Bates & Hine, 2023). While most men find it difficult to leave, those who manage 
to leave tend to be abused even more, mostly emotionally. Coercive control is usually applied 
when women force children to alienate from their fathers. Women would manipulate systems 
such as false allegations against men. Manipulation is often the adverse outcome: direct 
contract manipulation (such as relocation and contract control), systems manipulation (such 
as lying in court and school settings), children manipulation, and other varied violence 
contexts such as controlling, physical, and psychological manipulations. When these happen 
before the man leaves, he is sometimes unable to leave. 

Even though people may question why the abuser abuses or how the victim could be 
helped, it is more common to ask why the victim does not leave the victim or why they stay 
in the relationship (Hulley et al., 2023); there are several barriers to safety in an abusive 
relationship, as leaving can be more dangerous. The common barriers to leaving an abusive 
partner include considerations for children, connections, pressures, economic necessity, 
justice system failure, fear, homelessness, hope of change, immigration status, isolation, 
lacking resources, physical harm, discrimination, shame, lacking shelter, and threats (Femi-
Ajao et al., 2020; Kiamanesh & Hauge, 2019; Monterrosa, 2021; Tonsing & Barn, 2017). 



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           Solly Matshonisa Seeletse (Why stay despite intimate partner violence? Lived experiences of…)   

Hence, an intimate partner violence survivor needs to consider various factors carefully 
before reacting to an abusive partner.  

Intimate partner violence perpetrators may hurt the children of their victims to punish 
the victim who tries to leave. Some victims may feel so connected to the tormentor that they 
do not wish them arrest or any harm. Pressures from family, religion, or culture, and even 
shame, may also drive the intimate partner violence victim to stay in the marriage. Another 
factor keeping Intimate partner violence victims in a relationship is when the abuser is the 
provider of the family, where without the abuse, there cannot be food or other life support. 
This condition includes victims who lack, such as having no resources, no shelter or home, 
and are entirely reliant on the perpetrator. The inadequacy of the legal system failing the 
victims, as the perpetrators, are not punished and they repeat their abuses, causes the victims 
to stay due to fear. The victims may fear that the actions that the intimate partner violence 
perpetrators may take against them could lead to retaliation. Hope and belief that the abusive 
partner may change makes some victims stay. An immigrant who fears deportation may 
endure intimate partner violence. Some victims may fear being isolated by their associates if 
they leave an abusive relationship. Fearing to be physically, and threats, harmed often is the 
reason; isolation and discrimination may also pressure the victim to stay. 

In the case of victims of abuse in intimate relationships, the historical difficulty in South 
African undeveloped communities was that abusers were mainly bullies and thugs who did 
not have anyone to deal with because of deficient and unproductive legal and social systems. 
It was also possible for children of rich families to bail the children out of jail when they had 
been charged for offenses that seem require or warrant jail terms. When democracy dawned 
in 1994, the system was formalized so that such crimes would be curbed, and legislations 
were initiated, such as the Domestic Violence Act (Domestic Violence Act, 1998) and the 
Protection from Harassment Act (2011), among others. These laws were initiated to protect 
victims (and would be victims), mostly women, people living with disabilities, and children 
who were seen as being vulnerable, as well as men and anyone who others may victimize. 

This study aimed to explore why the intimate partner violence victims, who were 
selected because they were the ones with financial strength in their relationships, remained 
victimized but stayed in the relationships for a long time. Moreover, the details of these abuses 
and the meaning that these victims ascribe to the abuses will be explored. The study also 
intended to understand the wisdom that informed these victims’ decisions to remain in these 
relationships against the logic that they could easily find better alternatives than to remain in 
the relationships of perceived trouble for them. 

Method 

This study was qualitative, with a self-administered interview guide designed to explore the 
lived experiences of abuse victims in intimate relationships who were major economic 
contributors in their households, such as earning higher than their partners and contributing 
more to their families' or relationships' economic welfare. The study adhered to the research 
ethics, and the researchers undertook the following: the respondents knew of their right to 
participate or withdraw at any time. They participated by choice, i.e., voluntarily, and their 
rights were respected. Confidentiality was attempted by not asking for the respondents' 
names. They knew about the purpose of the study, which was to determine the diverse 
meanings and experiences of the syndicate members. Anonymity in report writing was 
adhered to. The respondents also had the right not to respond to sensitive and highly personal 
issues. The undertaking was that the information derived from the interviews could be used 
for research purposes and manuscripts of academic journals, as well as by any practitioner, 
provided that the participants were not indicated by names. 

 



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Instrument 

Interviews were used to collect the data based on an interview guide. The interview guide 
consisted of questions, including demographic questions such as age, education, employment, 
gender, religion, and questions related to intimate partner violence. Are you the higher earner 
between you and your partner? How significant is the difference between your earnings and 
your partner’s? How does he or she abuse you? How long has this been the case? How do 
you take it? What does it mean to you? What makes you endure this? Tell more if there is 
any.  These questions seemed straightforward; however, two experts in the public health 
department of a local university were asked to review the interview guide and then comment 
and advise on the questions, primarily on the structure of the questions. The instrument was 
then finalized and presented as a semi-structured interview guide. 

Participants 

The study participants were recruited with a snowballing method. Five intimate partner 
violence victims (four females and one male) were purposefully sampled such that they were 
the main earners in their households or their relationships. The dominance of female victims 
coincides with most intimate partner violence studies, but those studies presented cases where 
the victims were from positions of weakness. In this study, these female victims are from 
stronger positions. The sample size of five meets saturation, as Creswell (2007) endorsed, 
and the sample size issues in qualitative research are irrelevant (Marshall et al., 2013). Table 
1 shows the demographic characteristics of this study's participants. 
 

Table 1 

Demographic Characteristics 
Characteristic Participant 1 Participant 2 Participant 3 Participant 4 Participant 5 

Gender Female Female Female Female Male 

Age (years 

old) 

33 36 46 28 42 

Education University 

degree 

graduate 

Higher 

certificate 

holder 

National 

diploma 

holder 

Bachelor’s 

degree holder 

Master’s 

degree holder 

Long of 

married (year) 

2 8 17 3 21 

Number of 

children  

Two sons One daughter 

& one son 

Two sons One son One daughter 

and two sons 

Employment employed full-

time 

permanent 

working full-

time 

permanent 

self-employed 

(entrepreneur) 

worked on 

fixed-term 

high, high-

earning 

contract 

a full-time 

permanent 

employment 

Data Collection 

Face-to-face interviews were held with the respondents. They were informed about the 
purpose of the study and an interest in determining their experiences of abuse by their intimate 
partners, of their right to participate or to withdraw at any time if they decided not to 
participate any longer. They participated without coercion, with their rights respected and no 
names required. The respondents also had the right not to respond to sensitive and highly 
personal issues. They were told that the information was required for research purposes 
towards a manuscript of an academic journal. Data were gathered about the victims’ 
demographic characteristics, how they were abused, and why they chose not to leave but to 
remain in those ‘unhealthy’ relationships. The interviews ranged from 52 to 62 minutes, 
averaging 54 minutes and 48 seconds, due to probing disparities and having to clarify 



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           Solly Matshonisa Seeletse (Why stay despite intimate partner violence? Lived experiences of…)   

questions and explain responses. The previous studies' interviews lasted 45 minutes and about 
an hour (Azhar et al., 2023; Fillon et al., 2023). 

Data Analysis 

The study then used thematic content analysis to develop themes around the responses. The 
thematic content analysis followed a reflexive thematic analysis, a flexible interpretative 
method to qualitative data analysis to facilitate identifying and analyzing patterns or themes 
in the data set (Braun & Clarke, 2021), as applied by Byrne (2022), with four domains of 
reflexive thematic analysis as an orientation to data; the focus of meaning; qualitative 
framework; and theoretical frameworks where each of these reflects orientations to data. 

Results 

Five key themes emerged from the study. The themes were the aggressor being untouchable, 
fear for one’s life, feeling helpless, desperate and vulnerable, self-blame, and being trapped 
in the relationship. Reflective explanations of these themes are as follows. 

The aggressor being untouchable 

This theme emerged from the interviews with some participants. Participants tried to report 
the violence to the police or the church, but the perpetrators were untouchable. Participant 4 
claimed that this abusive man boasted of having killed before but was free, so she found him 
to be untouchable.  

Furthermore, the abuser of Participant 2, who was unemployed, was released each time 
she reported an incident of violence he had caused her. She informs that he was arrested 
several times for physically and sexually abusing her and released on warning each time. 
Moreover, he was untouchable, citing the releases after she reported him and referring to the 
past when he got scot-free when he had offended the law. She also pointed out that he 
befriended the police, as former schoolmates, so apparently, the police did not even put him 
in a cell. She had lost faith in the police as they did not arrest her abuser. She said that he 
boasted regularly that he was untouchable and that it would be worse if she divorced.  

Participant 5, who is a Christian, also felt that his abuser was untouchable, as the priest 
of their church was on her side. The abuse was more than 25 years, older than the marriage. 
When he asked for advice from priests of their church, they advised, “Marry her, she will 
change,” not knowing that one priest is also her lover. The abuse was emotional, as she talked 
and threw insults at ease. The children's paternity was in doubt, but she threatened him with 
thugs for trying to get paternity tests. The priest was also against the tests. This husband feared 
her and her associates. 

Fear for one’s life 

Four of five participants reported the fear of one’s life. The extent of abuse that 
participant 1 endured from her abuser was so intense that she felt she would die in the 
relationship. She experienced so much violence from her abuser that she thought making him 
angrier would make him kill her. So, by implication, she thought divorce would be immediate 
death by him. Therefore, she seems to have felt she would die quicker by leaving.  

Participant 2 claimed to fear for her life. She claims that she often contemplates 
poisoning him, but every time she tries, she develops fear. “He will kill me if I fail and he 
finds out,” she remarked. She was sexually and physically abused and feared that the abuser 
would kill her if she tried to leave the relationship. Participant 3 also feared for her life due 
to the way her husband shoved her at will. She feels that the physical (wo)manhandling she 
receives from him shows that he does not care for her welfare or even her life.  



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Participant 4 was given signals that she had nowhere to go or else she would die if she 
dared to leave the relationship. She was a high earner who experienced sexual abuse from an 
abuser who viewed himself as a killer who would kill if abandoned by her. She claimed that 
he raped and beat her and threatened to kill her if she would dare lay criminal charges against 
him. She feared divorce because she felt the abuser was going to kill her if she did. She stated 
that she viewed divorcing this man as meaning death, as “he will kill me.” 

The feeling of helplessness, desperate and vulnerable 

The majority of participants felt helpless, desperate, and vulnerable. They felt helpless as 
there was no support for them, as Participant 3 indicated to have felt empty and helpless. 
Participant 2 felt helpless on the law side and avoided putting her own family in danger by 
even making them aware of her suffering. Moreover, the priest who advised Participant 5 was 
not supporting or helping him; instead, the priest was aggravating the victimization.  

Feeling desperate and vulnerable arose among participants. Participant 1 was beaten 
when she disagreed with her abusive partner. The abuser also insisted she finances his family 
but refused to allow her to use her money for her own family. She lamented, “My money 
feeds his family,” “He beats me so hard when I do not oblige,” and “He refuses me to help 
my own family financially.” She continued, “My mother died when I finally married him.” 
“He teases me that I killed my mother.” Furthermore, Participant 3 felt desperate, empty, 
helpless, and vulnerable, as there was no one she knew as a relative – except her sons. “I have 
always wanted to leave, but to where?” she proclaimed.  

Self-blame 

Two participants reported blaming themselves for the violence they experienced. Participant 
1 blamed herself for refusing to listen to her family regarding a known criminal and for her 
mother’s death due to not listening to her advice. She then blamed herself for not listening to 
her family’s advice not to marry a known ‘notorious.’ She felt guilty for killing her mother. 
Participant 5, even though he did not pronounce it clearly, somehow seemed to have been 
regretting the decision that he took from his advisers. 

Trapped in the relationship 

Four of five participants felt trapped in the relationship. Participant 1 claimed to be 
imprisoned. Even though she earns much more than her partner and is self-reliant, she could 
not leave the relationship, and she was the one on whom the abuser depended. The abuse 
started immediately after they signed at the magistrate, which was only two years. Her family 
warned her about her husband before they married, as a known abuser and womanizer. “When 
I insisted on marrying him, they told me never to return home when he abuses me,” she said. 
She stated, “I feel empty, nowhere to run.” She was scared to go back home, fearing that the 
siblings would reject her for not supporting them and for killing their mother. She felt 
imprisoned in her marriage, and she did it to herself. 

The same situation was also experienced by Participant 3, who did not know where to 
go. She lamented, “If I run, to where?”. Participant 4 viewed herself as stranded, and she 
stated that she felt suicidal sometimes. Participant 5 feared abusing his partner’s associates 
and stayed in the marriage. The explanation was also unpacked to mean he felt trapped in the 
marriage. He felt that the church and his education had trapped him to behave this weak. 

Discussion 

All the victims in this study were educated and were financially stronger as compared to their 
abusive partners. Therefore, even highly educated people can become victims of intimate 



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partner violence. None of these marriages was new; the victims had been abused for lengthy 
periods, but they had not divorced or opted out of the relationships. Moreover, in this study, 
the victims were all in better livelihood conditions than their abusers, as they were all working 
and were the ones providing for the abuser. This condition provokes the mind to ask, “Why?” 
Some hints have been given. Participants reported that being trapped in the relationship. No 
support from family or community, therefore they had no place to run.  However, participant 
had not explored being independent, like finding an apartment. This condition was unlike 
some US victims who indicated that they had to fight to get out of such relationships (Waller 
& Bent-Goodley, 2023).  

The five respondents were all employed educated, most of them in long-term abuses, 
financial providers in their households, but being abused at will. This condition contradicts 
the notion that victims are in a position of weakness (Cai et al., 2023; Machado et al., 2023). 
Here, the victims had what it takes to be away from their abusive partners. Abuses were from 
two years to about 25 years. The lengthy abuses can weaken even the strongest victim (Foley 
et al., 2023). All five victims of this study wished to leave the relationship or marriage but 
felt trapped. Even though each participant used different terms, such as imprisoned, fear of 
dying if they divorced or left, had nowhere to go, and trapped. The case of victims feeling 
trapped is also expounded as the victim fears divorce in anticipation of worse outcomes 
(Ullman et al., 2023). The negative outcomes that often occur from prolonged intimate partner 
violence, such as disempowerment (Rosenthal et al., 2018). 

All five victims in this study were the major contributors to finances in their households, 
and thus, none of them stayed in the relationship because of financial dependence. This 
condition contradicts the common intimate partner violence, where victims fear to leave 
because of being financially dependent on the abuser (Lin et al., 2023). Instead, the victims 
seemed that the feared to be killed if they divorced or left the relationship. Facing death is 
more terrifying than sacrificing wealth (Tobin-Tyler, 2023). Participants reported a fear of 
being killed by their abusers. Being killed is common when abusers are dumbed, but a case 
of community collaboration is given as an example where community members save victims 
from their abusers (Spearman et al., 2023). The fear of being killed is stronger if participants 
take any action for leaving or divorce the abusers. The killings by victims who left their 
abusive partners explain and justify the fear of being killed after leaving an abusive partner 
(Spearman et al., 2023).  Especially for a participant who had no home, literally, as an orphan. 
The vulnerability of orphans who are turned into sex objects because no one protects them 
makes the orphan feel less traumatized in an abusive marriage than to try to escape the 
marriage, as the orphanage had released her due to age and marriage (Ngidi & Mayeza, 2023).  

The condition even more worse as none to talk to. It may be unsafe to talk, based on 
the experiences of victims being killed when they laid charges, as the abusers silence the 
victims and delete traces or evidence of possible criminal offenses (Leigh et al., 2023). This 
condition was also equated to viewing the police as being ineffective, as the need for the 
police's possible value in restoring victims' well-being after intimate partner violence abuse 
(Gasik et al., 2023). This condition means that the victims had lost trust in the police system.  

Another condition that lead to staying with the abusers is self blame. The male 
participant relied on the advisors’ guidance, which makes weak as not seem to think. This 
condition was in line with the lack of self, which in this case happened similarly to cases 
where Chinese university students were victimized by their intimate partners (Ye et al., 2023). 
More than anything, the man was in coercive control (McLeod & Flood, 2018), which 
generally refers to assault, humiliation, intimidation, threats, or other abuses applied to 
frighten, harm, or punish their victim. This condition means that the victims had no power, 
or the abusers had more power. There were indications that participants seemed to be under 
coercive control (Bates & Hine, 2023; McLeod & Flood, 2018). Moreover, the findings 
concerning participants were also incomprehensible regarding the reasons that led them to 
marry their abusive spouses, which are denial and refusing advice (Diamant, 2023). These 



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participants, in particular, seemed also to have compassion for their abusers (Ustunel, 2023), 
as if by their abusive means, they demonstrated more love. The results seem to contradict 
sentiments that suggest that victims fear leaving the abuser for fear of losing benefits (Ullman 
et al., 2023).  

The notable forms of abuse include financial, physical through beating, emotional 
including fear, sexual, verbal, perceived cheating, threats or perceived threats to kill. These 
forms of abuse are common, as in previous studies (Bhandari & Sabri, 2020; Brown, 2018; 
Francis & Pearson, 2021; Tchokossa et al., 2018). The fact that these abuses have existed 
globally over the years indicates inadequacies or failures of strategies and approaches used 
by the world's different nations. The case where local communities showed resilience and 
almost won their battles were dismissed as being unlawful, even the cases where communities 
dealt with abusers who were caught red-handed such as rapists and men who beat their women 
in public, such as on streets in full view of people (Bengesai & Khan, 2023; Harper, 2023; 
Kadengye et al., 2023). These cases were even said to have been watched by police who did 
not intervene but comprehended the retaliating communities (Asif et al., 2023; Biswas, 2022), 
which caused people to intervene. 

Based on this study’s findings, intimate partner violence victims need to be empowered 
to realize the possibility of reporting the police who release their abusive partners without 
opening criminal cases or investigating thoroughly, counselled for the trauma they could be 
experiencing, and exposed to social services such as social workers for seeking help with 
abuses and to be trained as members of the general public in matters of partner violence. At 
the same time, communities need to be empowered to handle intimate partner violence 
suspects by handing them over to police and to deal with violent abusers and those resisting 
apprehension or arrest by the community. Moreover, police need to be empowered to 
assertively manage even the intimate partner violence offenders that they know. They are 
barred from releasing abusers without a court order allowing such release. 

Conclusion 

The study confirmed that staying in relationships with intimate partner violence victims is not 
always due to being dependent on the abusive partner. Therefore, there is an indication that 
some decisions were made before getting into the relationships because, from the start, these 
relationships were already showing to lack tenderness. The study reveals that fear is the 
foremost reason for these intimate partner violence victims not leaving their abusive partners, 
especially losing their lives at the hands of their abusive partners, was the summit of all 
reasons. These victims also indicated some secondary feelings that compelled them to stay in 
the relationships, which include emptiness, desperation, imprisonment, shame, trapped, 
vulnerability, and weakness, among others. Fear was shown to be the most apparent form of 
emotional, intimate partner violence transpiring in this study. Others were reluctant to report 
the abuses due to a lack of trust in the police services and the shame of being judged. The 
feeling of lacking power also occurred, and their vulnerability persisted. All these were 
summed to equate to general disempowerment, even in some formally educated people. The 
male victim experienced emotional abuse, while the female ones also included emotional, 
sexual, financial, physical, psychological, social, and sexual forms of abuse. These victims 
experienced different forms of intimate partner violence, but the reactions of both females 
and males are the same. They stayed in an abusive relationship, even though none of them 
stayed because of needing anything from their abusers. Being abused by an intimate partner 
generated victims’ feelings of being desperate, detached, foolish, misunderstood, and weak. 
Some victims did not get protection when they sought help from the police or religious 
leaders. Instead, some victims were misled. As a result, there would not be protection in the 
victims' minds, and they would be aggressed more if they took the initiative to save 



Humanitas: Indonesian Psychological Journal 49 

 

           Solly Matshonisa Seeletse (Why stay despite intimate partner violence? Lived experiences of…)   

themselves or retaliate. Also, the laws to protect them have proven ineffective. The intimate 
partner violence victims seemed to indicate that they had lost hope in the system that should 
safeguard them. 

Acknowledgment 

Sefako Makgatho Health Sciences University is acknowledged for enabling the conditions 

and the environment to conduct research. The researcher profoundly acknowledges the 

victim he encountered at a motivational speaking session in Randfontein, Johannesburg. The 

victims who participated in this study have made it happen and are deeply acknowledged. 

The critical reader of this paper, who refused to be named, is also acknowledged. I am 

grateful for your efforts.  

Declarations  

Author contribution. SMS collected and analyzed the data, prepared the original draft, 
reviewed the document, undertook supervision, validation, editing, final review, revising, and 
intellectual content. 
Funding statement. The author received no funding or financial support for this article's 
research, authorship, and publication. He funded the study. 
Conflict of interest. The author declares no conflict of interest in this article's research, 
authorship, and publication. 
Additional information. This study has the potential to enlighten intervention officials and 
counselors dealing with intimate partner violence and even domestic violence in general 
about the challenges that people in intimate relationships often experience. It brings the 
interventions closer to being client-centered/victim-centered. 

 
 

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