NODA Journal Spring 2008.indd


Emptying the Nest

Kimberly Barrett and Jacqueline Bonneville

 
 You would think that after spending most of our careers helping literally 
thousands of people send their daughters and sons off to college, we could avoid 
the emotional ordeal that is the “empty nest syndrome.” Think again. In fact we are 
grappling with two phases of emptying the nest as we write this. Last fall one of 
us had a daughter who started kindergarten while the other sent her son off to 
college a few hours away. We believe that some of our insights might be helpful 
to colleagues as they go through this transition themselves or help others navigate 
these waters in their roles as orientation professionals. 
 As we shared the adventures of our children with each other over the past few 
months, we have been struck by how the first test flight into the K-12 system can 
provide a glimpse at what to expect as our children fly solo into the world of 
college and beyond. We identified three areas of concern that we appear to share 
with many parents as our children headed out on their own. They were: how to 
keep the lines of communication open, handling the endless and at times 
impenetrable educational bureaucracy, and trusting our children’s ability to 
make good choices.   
  Looking back, our pre-schoolers had little need for formal communication 
with us.  Early on, we like many parents, interacted so often with our children that 
it was like watching their little lives on a 24-hour reality show. However, as soon 
as they entered formal education outside the home we became acutely aware of 
the fact that at least for a few hours during the day, our children were pretty much 
inaccessible to us. That is why one of us picks her daughter up each day and can’t 
seem to stop herself from asking question after question (Who did you play with 
at recess? What did you learn today? What did you eat today? and on and on).  We 
become dependent on our children to tell us about their day, and this can be hard. 
 The need to help our young children, as Montessori educators put it, “use their 
words” effectively with us and others became critically important.  However,  be 
warned that if you are successful in this effort, there may be times when you get a 
little too much information, particularly during the junior high and high school 
years. Nonetheless, just tolerate it because once they stop returning home at the 
end of the day after setting out on their own for college and beyond, you will 
appreciate hearing the blow by blow, intimate details of their lives. As a college 
parent you may actually find yourself enjoying those phone calls home just 

PERSPECTIVES

Kimberly Barrett (barrettka@montevallo.edu ) is the Vice President for Student Affairs at the University 
of Montevallo in Alabama, and Jacqueline Bonneville (bonnevjk@uwec.edu) is the Coordinator for 
New Student Orientation at the University of Wisconsin, Eau Claire.

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to stay current on their day to day happenings.  
 Our most important task as parents has been to become good listeners. For 
the majority of parents, this means learning to bite our tongues and give advice 
sparingly. When our desire to fix everything for these children (e.g., “No one sits 
with me on the bus” (preschool daughter), “Someone told me that my hair was 
puffy” (same daughter), “My neighbors are too loud” (college son)) who are so 
precious to us gets in the way, we must remember that one day we won’t be there 
to tell them how it should be done. It’s better to let them make a few mistakes 
before they leave the nest while the stakes are low. Through this process, children 
seem to get a sense of unconditional positive regard from us and come to 
understand that what they have to say is important.       
  Another challenge we face as parents sending our children off to new schools is 
dealing with educational bureaucracy.  Again we found that our own experiences in 
a variety of educational institutions did not prevent us from feeling pretty clueless 
about how things are done within our son and daughter’s new “homes away from 
home.” As parents, we were faced with the same questions that we as professionals 
address during orientation about classes, grades, tests, food, and fees. We’ve 
come to the conclusion that the best way we can assist our children through this 
bureaucracy is to help them become assertive self advocates.  Although what it 
means to advocate for yourself at 5 and 18 years of age is very different, parents can 
never start too soon in making sure that their students develop strategies to get the 
information and help they need for themselves.  
 Parents can help in this regard by being their children’s back-up. If they come 
to a dead end in navigating the bureaucracy, be there with a suggestion about who 
they might contact next on-site to assist them with their questions and problems. 
This means that we must stay engaged and informed, not so that we can intervene 
with school officials, but so that we can be the power behind (emphasis on be-
hind) our children as they take on the system.  We will instill a sense of self efficacy 
in our children if they come to understand early that they can be agents of positive 
change in their own lives.
  Ultimately, the question that nags at each of us as our children leave our 
protective reach is whether they will be able to make good choices – choices that 
have a good outcome for them as well as choices that are ethical. Whether it’s 
getting on the correct bus, looking both ways as they cross the street, driving the 
speed limit, using credit cards responsibly, or treating others with respect – these 
are the issues that can keep us awake at night. They are especially troubling if we 
don’t have faith in the job we’ve done as parents and in who our children have 
become.  Now that we have given it some thought, it seems that the primary job 
we have as parents is preparing our children and ourselves for emptying the nest. 
To do this we must embrace a relationship that will evolve from dependence and 
obedience to independence and finally to a healthy interdependence based on trust 
and mutual respect. 
 Although it is a labor of love, it is also hard work. Parents can be bolstered 
by the fact that getting children to successfully “empty the nest” results in a 
silver lining. It may seem like a guilty pleasure at first, but you get used to it. For 

SPRING/SUMMER 2008  •  VOLUME 15, NUMBER 2 87



example, instead of standing in line for the latest video game, you may stand 
in line for the latest art exhibit. Or if you are at the “test flight” stage and the 
college phase seems far away, you may get a day off now and then while children 
are in school where your time is your own. An uninterrupted rendezvous with your 
partner over lunch or dinner – enough said about that – can be another benefit. 
Passing through or helping others navigate the academic transitions of life with 
children or family members may certainly bring challenges, but an intentional 
developmental approach to launching the next child or the next class of new 
students ensures that the launch ultimately will be successful and rewarding.

88  THE JOURNAL OF COLLEGE ORIENTATION AND TRANSITION