98 PILAR’S EXISTENCE IN HER LOVE STORY SHOWN IN PAULO COELHO’S BY THE RIVER PIEDRA I SAT DOWN AND WEPT Nuz Chairul Mugrib1, Zulfah2 State Islamic University of Sunan Ampel Surabaya1, STAIN Pare-Pare2 chairulmugrib212@gmail.com1, fakhruddin.zulfah@yahoo.com2 Abstract: This research talks about existence found in ‘By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept’ novel by Paulo Coelho. This research focuses on Pilar as one of the main characters in the novel. The aim of this research is to describe Pilar’s characteristics and Pilar’s life to get her existence through her love story in the novel. It is a descriptive study. It is a library based study that collects data from the novel. The result of this research shows that Pilar as one of the main characters in the novel is a dynamic character. Pilar is initially described as lacking self-confidence and fearful woman and she finally becomes a self-confident and brave woman. Besides that, love story of Pilar’s life brings Pilar to some stages of existence that is aesthetic stage, ethic stage and religious stage as the peak of stage in life. Keywords: aesthetic; ethic; religious; existence 1. INTRODUCTION Every human in this world has freedom and responsibility to undergo his own life to show his existence because human can make choice for his life. Human can make choices only because humans have desires, hopes, fears, wishes, hates, and myriads of other interested attitudes (Evans, 2009:21). So the choice shows human existence. One of common ways that we can find it in human life is when human being makes relationship with other humans or called as love relations. Love is not something strange in human life because every human has experienced it. Love is a need and it has been a part of every human life in this world because humanity could not exist a day without love. Love becomes the source of the power to create a dream because love can give strength to human when facing any problems and also provide force to human to make everything what she or he wants. Love is an action, the practice of a human power, which can be practiced only in freedom (Fromm, 1985:17). A love story that exists between people in society is a theme that is often expressed by the writers of their works because it is one of human experiences. Nurgiyantoro states themes in literary works always are related to human experience (2010:32). Many writers who create their works use the theme because love is a very common in life of human and always remain attractive for disclosed. One of famous writers who has written many literary works is Paulo Coelho. mailto:chairulmugrib212@gmail.com 99 Paulo Coelho is an author coming from Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. He becomes one of the most important literary phenomena of the 20th century because of The Alchemist novel in the Guinness World Record for the most translated book in the world (67 languages) (http://www.paulocoelho.com/engl/bio/shtml). Besides, he has also written many books such as The Pilgrimage: A Contemporary Quest for Ancient Wisdom, The Valkyries: An Encounter with Angels, The Devil and Miss Prym, Eleven Minutes, The Fifth Mountain, Veronica Decides to Die and By the River Piedra I Sat down and Wept. By the River Piedra I sat down and Wept Novel is one of novels of Paulo Coelho that is written at 1994 and this novel is interesting to be read because the theme concerns love story and spiritual way of young Spanish woman (Britannica.com). This novel tells about love relation between two characters in the novel who meet again after twelve years apart by space and time. Pilar decides to make a trip from Zaragoza to Madrid after she receives a letter from her childhood friend who asked her to see him deliver a lecture to a few people in Madrid. The meeting between Pilar and her friend bring them to memories when they were children in Soria Village until Pilar’s childhood friend expresses the feeling that he has loved Pilar since their childhood. Love story between Pilar and her childhood friend makes Pilar’s life become different. It brings Pilar to make decisions which change Pilar’s life from the woman who does not believe in God to become believe in God after she knows about real life of her friend childhood as a seminarian. Based on the story of the novel, the writer is interested in analyzing one of the characters in novel that is Pilar. Pilar is one character in the work which shows her existence through life of love story between her and her childhood friend. Pilar experiences the process of life transformation to become better after she meets her childhood friend and Pilar is aware of the meaning of love as total surrender to the God. Therefore, by using existentialism theory, the writer will analyze the existence of Pilar’s character through Kierkegaard concept. 2. REVIEW OF LITERATURE 2.1 Kierkegaard’s Existentialism Existentialism is a philosophy which is a movement done by the existentialists to refuse a philosophy beforehand because it does not give satisfaction with concepts to understand about human life. Kaufmann says that existentialism is the refusal to belong to any school of thought, the repudiation of the adequacy of any body of beliefs whatever, and especially of systems, and a marked dissatisfaction with traditional philosophy as superficial, academic, and remote from life-that is the heart of existentialism (1956:12). http://www.paulocoelho.com/engl/bio/shtml 100 The advance of existentialism at the time, of course, has been related to one of existentialists that is Soren Kierkegaard. Bertens says that for Kierkegaard, human has never lived as “general”, but as an individual and cannot be changed to something else and also philosophy is not system but the expression to individual existence (2013:89). Moreover, Solomon says that Kierkegaard substitutes “subjective truth,” choice, personality, and passion, turning our attention back to the individual and away from the “collective idea” and philosophical systems (1). This means that human existence is an existence that is selected in freedom itself so existence means daring to take own decisions to determine the life and it is not a group decision. In his theory, Evans says that for Kierkegaard to talk about human existence is to talk about inwardness (2009:20). This means that human existence is the emphasis on the human side of all the problems and objectives that will also get back on human beings because existence itself is privately owned. Humans can choose and act typically: the conscious self, acting on their own accord. The typical existence is human existence that is real, namely that each behavior comes from his conscience and his own free choice (Abidin, 2002:10-11). In other words, understanding of human existence must include an understanding of what today would be termed our emotional lives (Evans, 2009:21) In his theory, Kierkegaard says that existence is ongoing, not static, a kind of “becoming” rather than a state of “being.” Normatively, it is a striving to “become a self,” (qtd in Michelman, 2008:202). It represents that humans are always undergoing a process to be and it will continue to determine the direction of his life. Hadiwijono said that existence is the people who were able to determine which direction of their life with the courage to take decisions on his own (1975:83). Kierkegaard describes that there are some stages which human must face to progress in creating his existence where the individual moves from one stage to the next in search of self- fulfilment (Michelman, 2008:202). Evans explains that Kierkegaard’s idea of the three stages of existence, life viewed aesthetically, ethically, and religiously, is called as the well-known view of the “three stages on life’s way (2009:52). 2.1.1 The Aesthetic Stage The first stage of human’s life is aesthetic. The aesthetic is the broadest in scope, incorporating an abundant range of variations. It is defined most simply as the life lived for enjoyment (Miles, 2006:1). At this stage, human or individuals are in an instable mental condition because it is often in a situation where emotions and passions are the main power of 101 human to run things when they are going to do something in order to give satisfaction to themselves without bothering anything. Rahman states that the man does not attend moral rules in the aesthetic stage because it is all the things that will limit any human being to give satisfaction to them (2013:332). The person who inhabits the aesthetic as an existential sphere also lives “in the moment,” attempts to fashion a life that is in some way satisfying (Evans, 2009:71). Therefore, life at this stage is a continual search for satisfying moments. Furthermore, Evans also explains that an aesthete is a person who takes himself as a gift, complete with a set of desires to satisfy, and tries to satisfy as many desires as possible (71). Therefore, at this stage there is no moral principle that considers good and bad. There are only satisfaction and dissatisfaction, delights and frustrations, joys and sorrows are free to choose without limitation. Fadhillah states that the principle of individual life is the pursuit of immediate pleasure (hedonic) so that the moral norms in this stage is not suitable, because it would hamper the satisfaction of individual desires (2009:50). Furthermore, they do not have the religious beliefs as the standard to hold on life due it will limit human freedom of choice (Stumpf and Fieser, 2003:360). Therefore, Kierkegaard puts emphasis the “pleasure” on desire itself. What the aesthete wants is simply to have what he or she wants, whatever that might be (qtd in Evans, 2009:71) The aesthetic life comes in a vast range of forms, as extensive as the forms of human desire itself. For the aesthetic person, the only two-categories matters in human life which matters are boring and interesting (Obinyan, 2014:4). Life of the aesthete is an attempt to scramble for new sources of enjoyment and to avoid boredom by filling interesting experiences. Miles states that the person living for enjoyment must continually strive to arrange enjoyable circumstances in order to fend off the boredom, displeasure and disappointment that life in the actual world inevitably brings with it (2006:5) For the aesthete, the relationship is the sexual affair, burning with passion but lacking in commitment (Evans, 2009:72). This means that human makes a romantic relationship with another human being simply based on fulfilling sexual needs and they are at this stage will perform a rejection of a bond because it will provide limits to meet the desires. Obinyan states sensual pleasures are as well as the romantic who reveals in the enjoyment but without committing his life (2014:4). However, this condition includes existential stage because at this stage, the man has the freedom to choose to live like this and when the man was hit by desperation at this stage, people will find a way out to the next stage (Rahman, 2013:332). 102 2.1.2 The Ethic Stage The second sphere of human existence is the ethical. Human leaps from the area of aesthetic to ethical and choose moral as a standard in determining the choices of his life (Kaufman, 1956:263). At this stage, the individual can master and recognize himself. The introduction and self-control bring the individual to adjust his actions with measures that are universal moral. Kierkegaard states that individuals start to use or live a life with reference to the category of the good (good) and evil (evil) (1962:43). Moreover, Obinyan states that the individual in this existence sphere makes choices in his/her life and moral choices which human decides in ethical stage are divided into the dichotomy of good/bad (2014:5) Kierkegaard presents the ethicist as a representative of this important insight into of human existence. However, he also shows how this insight has certain limitations, as it takes for granted the individual’s freedom and power to rule her own life (qtd in Christensen, 2007:2). This means that the individual makes a free choice by recognizing and controlling him, but at this stage, individuals are still confined to himself (Fadhillah, 2009:50). Moreover, although humans have been trying to achieve universal moral principles, however, ethical human beings are still restrained in himself, because he is still being immanent, that means relying on strength of mind (Hardiman, 2007:253). Thus, an individual's life at this stage is marked by concrete options under consideration of mind. Kaufman states that if life of aesthetic stage only thinks nowadays through a desire of satisfaction, while in the ethical stage, individuals get the past as a life experience and understand the future as expectations are based commitments of his life (1956:263). This means that at this stage of ethical, human tries to comprehend life as a whole to be more meaningful and can achieve decisions of his life. Ethical human believes that a meaningful life is to live for the sake of universal values and rule and always expressed his personal of choice and commitment to be uphold, and continuously maintain obligations and universal rules that occur in society. Therefore, the fundamental obligation of an ethical individual is his life based on universal norms and rules (Kierkegaard, 1962:183). In social interactions, ethical stage is an important stage for civilized human life as human in this stage already has controlled over his behavior in dealing with the other individual (Fadhillah, 2009:5). In other words, the ethical person does not have any relationship with God other than that of good moral conduct (Obinyan, 2014:5). However, ethical life is not the life of the noblest although at this stage human has been able to comply with the norms prevailing in a society. Therefore, according to Kierkegaard, the ethical person has not 103 achieved the self-fulfilment that is only possible at the religious stage and the leap from ethical to the religious sphere of existence is an imperative (1962:5). 2.1.3 The Religious Stage The third sphere of human existence is religious. At this stage, a person discovers what it means to be a self. Humans who are at this stage will be living the life or looking for something beyond the ratio, then they will be dealing with faith (Rahman, 2013:333). Faith may exceed the ratio which is limited, so that humans will be aware of the existence God who controls his temper and it can be unlimited. This stage is the stage of "non-rational". In this stage, God is the absolute paradox, namely as a relation that "unlimited" as the basis of human judgment in making decisions in the act, although it is not rational. Fadhillah states that humans who have entered at this stage, is the human with the consideration of "non-rational", which is based on the own beliefs that choose "faith" as a basis for making the decisions to act (2009:51) In this stage, individuals surrender and commit themselves completely to God. Hardiman states that individuals make a personal commitment and perform what it is called as a leap of faith (2007:253). This means that self-reliance to the strength and power of God is the key to achieve at this level. So that a life experienced by humans at this stage based on submission to the existence of god. Miles states that the life of faith requires that we surrender this insistence on self- reliance. Living by faith means to put one’s trust absolutely in God, not in one’s own strengths and abilities (2006:41). Kierkegaard imagined the life of faith as one in which love of God manifests itself in loving, joyful engagement with others and the world. As Kierkegaard understands it, this life of joyful, genuine participation in the world is a stance gained only through accepting one’s life as a gift and task from God (1962). Therefore, human life cannot be separated from the power of God as the creator of everything so human must get faith and surrender his life to God as the absolute reality, as the creator of all reality (Fadhillah, 2009:52). Further, in this stage, life is not based on good and bad way but it shows faith that is truly in a relationship with God. Obinyan states that the person of faith is not related to God by way of morality, but his commitment to morality derives from his relationship to God sothe religious person’s relationship to anything finite and relative is always governed by his commitment to the absolute God (2014:6). Therefore, in this stage, the existence of human achieves his peak (Rahman, 2013:333). 104 3. RESEARCH METHODS This is a library based study since the writer uses some books as data source having related with topic researched. In this case, the writer merely uses the novel of By the River Piedra I Sat down and Wept by Paulo Coelho as the primary data source. Besides that, the writer uses other sources outside the novel that are closed with the subject and it can support the primary data, such as theory books, text book, other thesis, and internet source to improve the knowledge. In presenting the analysis, the writer mainly uses descriptive analytic. The research follows the following steps: (1) Reading the novel to get the complete and well understanding on the whole story; (2) Selecting and collecting the data in form of narration and conversation from novel related to the problem; (3) Analysing the data collected by firstly categorizing them into two points, dealing with two points of the statement of problems. Then, each point is analysed using related theories which refer to the objectives of the study; and (4) Making conclusion based on the result of data analysis. 4. DISCUSSION OF THE MAIN THEMES 4.1 Pilar’s Existence in Her Love Story Evan states that for Kierkegaard to talk about human existence is to talk about inwardness (2009:20). It is shown in Pilar’s condition when she decides to meet her childhood friend, but the meeting has brought Pilar on journey with her childhood friend and love relationship occurs between them. A love affair makes battle inside Pilar’s mind when Pilar tries to understand the love affair. Pilar undergoes a transformation of life when she dares to take a decision on her love story with her childhood friend. Pilar’s decisions show her existence. Existence of Pilar through her love story can be described by Kierkegaard’s concept that there are several levels that humans must face in creating existence where the individual moves from one stage to the next in search of self-fulfillment (qtd in Michelman, 2008:202). They are aesthetic, ethnic and religious. 4.1.1 Aesthetic stage In this stage, life as aesthetic person appears in Pilar’s life in the novel initially. Pilar is described as a woman who sacrifices her life in Zaragoza as a student of university because of her desire to meet with her childhood friend. Pilar feels bored with her life and she wants to find new experience for her life by recalling her memories with her childhood friend. Besides that, Pilar tries to ignore anything which disturbs the happiness in her life at the time. She refuses her own feeling of love to her childhood friend. 105 Pilar’s life is just a usual life of a woman in completing her education and spends part of her time working as a salesgirl to pay for her education at the university located in the city of Zaragoza. However, Pilar's life begins to change when she often gets a letter from her childhood friend. It makes Pilar curious about her childhood friend life from different place and talks about God. Until one time, when Pilar receives a letter from her childhood friend again, Pilar knows that her childhood friend will deliver a lecture in a place in Madrid. Pilar finally decides to leave her home in Zaragoza to meet her childhood friend, Pilar misses her childhood friend with their memories when they are together. One day I learned that he had begun to give lectures. This surprised me; I thought he was too young to be able to teach anything to anyone. And then he wrote to me that he was going to speak to a small group in Madrid. So I made the four-hour trip from Zaragoza to Madrid. I wanted to see him again; I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted to sit with him in a café and remember the old days, when we had thought the world was far too large for anyone ever to know it truly. (Coelho, 1994:4) It is clear that Pilar’s desire meets with her childhood friend is a desire that has been expected by herself because during this time, Pilar only knows the news about her childhood friend's life through letters sent to her. Although Pilar has to take four hours trip from Zaragoza to Madrid, yet, Pilar feels satisfied to meet her childhood friend and the meeting can memorize their childhood time in their village. Pilar finally reaches the city of Madrid and knows that her childhood friend is going to deliver a lecture for a small group of people. But when Pilar comes, Pilar is surprised to many people attending his lecture and to see her childhood friend quite different in performance when entering the room. The Place where the conference was held was more formal than I had imagined it, and there were more people there than I had expected. I was even more surprised when I saw him enter the room. He was quite different from the boy I had known—but of course, it had been twelve years; people change. Tonight his eyes were shining—he looked wonderful. (Coelho, 1994:5) At the place, Pilar’s strong desire to see her childhood friend face to face seems when Pilar merely beholds him without listening to what he speaks in front of the audiences. Accordingly, Pilar is frightened by her desire to see her childhood friend which is shown by Pilar’s question to herself of her own appearance as a woman to see him after twelve years in separation. …When he started to speak, I couldn’t concentrate. I was sure he had spotted me in the audience, and I was trying to guess what he was thinking. How did I look to him? How different was the woman of twenty-nine from the girl of seventeen? (Coelho, 1994:6) When her childhood friend finished delivering lecture, her childhood friend came to meet her. Pilar wants to say many things to her childhood friend, but she cannot say a word when 106 her childhood friend stands in front of her. Suddenly, her childhood friend tells that he invites Pilar to accompany him on the way to deliver a lecture in another city. Pilar initially refuses it, but looking at her childhood friend again, Pilar directly changes her mind to accept the invitation. “I really need to talk to you. Tomorrow I have a lecture in Bilbao. I have a car. Come with me.” “I have to get back to Zaragoza,” I answered, not realizing that this was my last chance. Then I surprised myself—perhaps because in seeing him, I had become a child again…or perhaps because we are not the ones who write the best moments of our lives. I said, “But they’re about to celebrate the holiday of the Immaculate Conception in Bilbao. I can go there with you. (Coelho, 1994:10) Pilar decides to join her childhood friend’s journey to another speech because it is a good opportunity to spend time with her him and to be able to satisfy Pilar’s desire by recalling their memories when they are on the way. The decision is like Pilar’s desire to leave everything from Zaragoza to meet her childhood friend. Pilar’s attitude is part of the act of someone who is at aesthetic stage because of desire that exists in Pilar, so she possibly takes action to give satisfaction to herself. Evan states that an aesthete is a person who takes himself as a given and tries to satisfy as many desires as possible (Evan, 2009:71). Finally, after a long journey, Pilar and her childhood friend arrived in the city of Bilbao and they were looking for a hotel to put their stuff. After that they sat in a café waiting for the lecture. Pilar’s childhood friend began a conversation and he said that there was something he wanted to show to Pilar. A medal which belonged to Pilar and which had been lost. A memory of the past between Pilar and her childhood friend re-emerged from the medal when he started to say something to Pilar at that time but because the medal was lost, he did not do it until the medal was found. Finally, he told Pilar that he loved her. “I want to give you something,” he said, handing me a small red pouch. I opened it and found inside an old rusty medal, with Our Lady of Grace on one side and the Sacred Heart of Jesus on the other. “I was going to tell you something, something I had rehearsed for weeks. But as soon as I began, you told me that you had lost your medal at the hermitage of San Satúrio, and you asked me to see if I could find it there.” I remembered. Oh, God, I remembered! “I did find it. But when I returned to the plaza, I no longer had the courage to say what I had rehearsed. So I promised myself that I would return the medal to you only when I was able to complete the sentence that I’d begun that day almost twenty years ago. For a long time, I’ve tried to forget it, but it’s always there. I can’t live with it any longer.” He put down his coffee, lit a cigarette, and looked at the ceiling for a long time. Then he turned to me. “It’s a very simple sentence,” he said. “I love you. (Coelho, 1994:22-23) 107 The statement turns out to give a major impact on the life of Pilar. When her desire to meet her childhood friend and recall their time together in the village has been fulfilled, Pilar knows that up to now, he loves her. Pilar feels that she is getting closer to him. The expression of her childhood friend’s feeling gives a life to Pilar because it becomes something different in Pilar’s life. Pilar feels bored with her life as a student at a university in Zaragoza because she only spends her time with books and it does not give something pleasant for herself. I was there because suddenly life had presented me with Life. I felt no guilt, no fear, no embarrassment. As I listened to what he was saying—and felt myself growing closer to him—I was more and more convinced that he was right: there are moments when you have to take a risk, to do crazy things. I spend day after day with my texts and notebooks, making this superhuman effort just to purchase my own servitude, I thought. Why do I want that job? What does it offer me as a human being, as a woman? Nothing! I wasn’t born to spend my life behind a desk, helping judges dispose of their cases. (Coelho, 1994:25) Initially, Pilar feels that the feeling expression gives happiness for herself to spend time with her childhood friend but the feeling expression becomes fear for herself. When Pilar and friends of her childhood friend are gathering in a cafe, Pilar tries to talk again about his declaration of love. Suddenly, her childhood friend refuses to talk about it there. Pilar feels that her presence with the memory of the past is not going to bring love in the life of her childhood friend. He had said that he loved me. We hadn’t had time to talk about it, but I knew I could convince him that it wasn’t true. “If you want me to take the trip with you, you have to listen to me,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about it here. We’re having a good time.” “You left Soria when you were very young,” I went on. “I’m only a link to your past. I’ve reminded you of your roots, and that’s what makes you think as you do. But that’s all it is. There can’t be any love involved. (Coelho, 1994:27-28) Attitude conducted by her childhood friend finally makes Pilar afraid to trust the feeling of love. Pilar convinces herself that what she feels of her childhood friend is not same as that what her childhood friend feel of her. Therefore, she makes sure that she does not fall in love with her childhood friend. I was sure I could never fall in love with someone like him. I knew him too well, all his weaknesses and fears. I just couldn’t admire him as the others seemed to (Coelho, 1994:31) When Pilar and her childhood friend are back to continue traveling to another city, her childhood friend wants to try to talk issue of love by asking about medal having been given to 108 Pilar. Pilar immediately responds it by saying some words. Pilar does not want to discuss it further because she fears of her happiness. “Where are we going now?” I asked. “Nowhere. Let’s just enjoy the morning, the sun, and the countryside. We have a long trip ahead of us.” He hesitated for a moment and then asked, “Do you still have the medal?” “Sure, I’ve kept it,” I said, and began to walk faster. I didn’t want to talk about the medal—I didn’t want to talk about anything that might ruin the happiness and freedom of our morning together (Coelho, 1994:35) Besides that, Pilar does not want to believe in the feeling of her childhood friend because she does not want to sacrifice her life that is undergone again. Pilar has sacrificed many things that has been obvious in her life when she is in Zaragoza. Pilar leaves all to get peaceful soul when meeting her childhood friend so she does not want to sacrifice it again by receiving and trusting the feeling of her childhood friend. “…I’ve paid a considerable price for the little I have gained. I’ve been forced to deny myself many things I’ve wanted, to abandon so many roads that were open to me. I’ve sacrificed my dreams in the name of a larger dream—a peaceful soul. I didn’t want to give up that peace…” (Coelho, 1994:41) Pilar’s attitudes undertake to avoid anything that can damage her happiness and her actions achieve whatever she wants is part of the aesthetic stage. Evan said that Kierkegaard puts emphasis "pleasure" on desire itself. The aesthetic wants are simply to have what he or she wants, whatever that might be (2009:71). 4.1.2 Ethic Stage Pilar’s life as an aesthetic person initially moves to become as an ethic person. After spending time to make journey some days and learning many things about life and struggle that has been done by her childhood friend, Pilar begins to understand feeling of love. Pilar changes her mind about love which is declared by her childhood friend and finally Pilar makes a decision to choose a life what she wants to undergo with her childhood friend. After making a long journey together again, Pilar and her childhood friend arrive a village called Saint-Savin, one of villages in France and Pilar is very excited. There is a reason why her childhood friend brings Pilar to the place because he wants to show a house to Pilar. Besides that, the place also brings life enlightenment of her childhood friend that he needs Pilar in his life. “We’re in Saint-Savin,” he explained. The name meant nothing to me. But we were in France, and that in itself thrilled me. “Why this place?” I asked. “Because the house I want you to see is here,” he answered, laughing.” “When I first came here, I thought I was lost. But I wasn’t—actually, I was just rediscovering it.” 109 “You talk in riddles sometimes,” I said. “This is where I realized how much I needed you in my life.” (Coelho, 1994:46) Pilar tries to ignore it because she does not want to face a risk for her happiness but Pilar begins to think about her actions to her childhood friend. Pilar realizes that her action still seems like a child and it also is like Pilar’s friends in understanding love that it is something impossible to trust love in life. Pilar feels that she is going to miss the good things from her childhood friend because of her action. …I was tired of playing the child and acting the way many of my friends did—the ones who are afraid that love is impossible without even knowing what love is. If I stayed like that, I would miss out on everything good that these few days with him might offer… (Coelho, 1994:46). Pilar herself is brave to talk again about her feeling of love which is declared by her childhood friend. Pilar has thought it since her childhood friend said to her. Pilar fears to face a risk when she decides to make a love affair if someone loving her leaves her finally. Therefore, Pilar only wants to love someone who always stays besides her and someone who can give a peace to her life. I took a deep breath. We couldn’t avoid the subject any longer. “We have to talk about love,” I said. “You know how I’ve been these last few days. If it had been up to me, the subject would never have come up. But ever since you brought it up, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. “It’s risky, falling in love.” “I know that,” I answered. we should love only those who can stay near us,” I said. I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart—someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that I would lose him the next day. (Coelho, 1994:54-55) Everything becomes different after Pilar has courage to say what she wants on the night. Although Pilar and her childhood friend do not talk again about love, Pilar begins to feel pleasant when she is close to him when he uses his hand to stroke Pilar’s hair without saying anything. The situation makes Pilar wants to recognize more about his life after separating for some years. He does not want to tell about his life more deeply, but Pilar knows that life of her childhood friend is someone who is still firm to faith in God as The Virgin. He reached out and stroked my hair without saying anything. I absorbed his touch without trying to pull away. “Tell me about your life since I last saw you,” I asked. “There are no great mysteries to tell. My path is always there, and I do everything I can to follow it in a dignified way. “What is your path? He didn’t respond. Perhaps he was still deep in the ocean of silence, but the wine had loosened my tongue again, and I had to speak. “You said that something here in this city altered your course.” 110 “Yes, I think it did. I’m still not absolutely sure, and that’s why I wanted to bring you here.” “Is this some kind of test?” “No. It’s a surrender. So that she will help me to make the right decision.” “Who will?” “The Virgin.” (Coelho, 1994:57) Even though Pilar only knows the life of her childhood friend little on the night but Pilar gets knowledge about spiritual life by life and faith of her childhood friend. When Pilar wants to sleep at the night, Pilar contemplates the conversation with her childhood friend and she decides to try something. It makes Pilar want to create a life with someone loving her and she loves him. Before I fell asleep, I decided I would do what he called the “exercise of the other.” I am here in this room, I thought, far from everything familiar to me, talking about things that have never interested me and sleeping in a city where I’ve never set foot before. I can pretend—at least for a few minutes—that I am different. I began to imagine how I would like to be living right at that moment. I wanted to be happy, curious, joyful—living every moment intensely, drinking the water of life thirstily. Believing again in my dreams. Able to fight for what I wanted. Loving a man who loved me. (Coelho, 1994:68-69) In the morning, Pilar with her childhood friend spends time to walk together while enjoying atmosphere of the village. Then they stop in a building which is a church at the village. Pilar enters in the church to follow her childhood friend. There, her childhood friend begins to tell many things about Jesus and The Virgin and it is something amazing for Pilar because of the spiritual knowledge of her childhood friendbroadly. When Pilar wants to know about it, her childhood friend tells about his life again that for 4 years, he has learned many things about spiritual life in a monastery. …I entered a monastery close to here. For four years, I studied everything I could. During that time, I made contact with the Clarifieds and the Charismatics, the sects that have been trying to open doors that have been closed for so long to certain spiritual experiences. I discovered that God was not the ogre that had frightened me as a child… (Coelho, 1994:81). When knowing about life in a monastery, Pilar feels worried about her journey with her childhood friend and her decision to make an affair if he is still in the place. In the church, Pilar tries to understand it while seeing her childhood friend playing a piano and singing a religious song. After finishing it, he comes closer to Pilar. Pilar does not say anything but she only gives her hand to him and then her childhood friend gives an embrace to Pilar. At the time Pilar feels that she does not want to ask anything and she thinks thather journey with her childhood is something meaningful. He looked at me, and I at him. My hand reached out for his and found it. Now it was his heart that was beating faster—I could almost hear it in the silence. But my soul was serene, and my heart at peace. I held his hand, and he embraced me. We stood there at the 111 feet of the Virgin for I don’t know how long. Time had stopped I didn’t want to ask for anything. That afternoon in the church had made the entire journey worthwhile. (Coelho, 1994:87) When night almost comes, Pilar and her childhood friend go back home that they rent in the village. After eating with the owner of the home, Pilar and her childhood friend ask permission to go out and go back home late night. Her childhood friend will attend a meeting and Pilar accompanies him. As Pilar is in the car, Pilar still thinks about the monastery, so she asks back of his life in monastery to her childhood friend. Her childhood friend says that although he tries to forget Pilar by entering in the monastery, he cannot forget Pilar because he still loves Pilar. When he getsa job to sell a house which is given to the monastery, her childhood friend finds that the content in the house describes life which her childhood friend wants. He cannot forget the house from that day. After two weeks, he takes a decision to explain his feeling to his superior and the superior gives a chance to find my own fate by loving someone. “From that day on, I couldn’t forget that house. Every time I went to the chapel to pray, I realized that my renunciation had not been total. I imagined myself there with you, looking out at the snow on the mountain tops, a fire blazing in the hearth. I pictured our children running around the house and playing in the fields around Saint Savin.” “For the past two weeks, I haven’t been able to stand the sadness in my soul. I told him about my love for you and what had begun when we were taking the inventory. “So my superior said, ‘There are many ways to serve our Lord. If you feel that’s your destiny, go in search of it. Only a man who is happy can create happiness in others. (Coelho, 1994:92) Pilar feels happy when knowing it and she trusts what her childhood friend says even though Pilar never sees the house. At the time, her childhood friend shows a key of the house which will be sold and he gives the key to Pilar. Pilar is sure that her childhood friend does love Pilar and Pilar feels sure to make a life with her childhood friend. He pulled something from his pocket and handed it to me. It wasa key. “The superior loaned me the key to the house. He said that hewould hold off for a while on selling the possessions. I looked at the key in my hand and smiled. In my heart, bells wereringing, and the heavens had opened to me. He could serve God in a different way—by my side. Because I was going to fight for thatto happen. I put the key in my bag (Coelho, 1994:93) Pilar does not ask her feeling to her childhood friend after getting the key of house. During the journey to the meeting place, Pilar begins to imagine a life with her childhood friend. Pilar wants to stay in the house and she wants to make a happy life having sons and daughters with her childhood friend. Right now, I preferred to think about the house, which I could picture perfectly—its books, its records, its view, its furniture. Somewhere in the world, a home awaited us. A 112 place where we could care for daughters or sons who would come home from school, fill the house with joy, and never pick up after themselves. (Coelho, 1994:95) After knowing a life undergone by her childhood friend and realising his struggle, Pilar initially is described as aesthetic person by her action to meet her childhood friend without thinking moral standard because her decision only satisfies at the moment. Pilar begins to take a decision by moral standard that describes as an ethic person. Pilar chooses to make a life as a family with her childhood friend. Pilar and her childhood friend arrive at a church called as cathedral which the meeting will be performed. There are many people to come to the place. When the bell of cathedral shows time in midnight, all people come together in a place. They want to celebrate Happy Day of the Immaculate Conception. Pilar actually wants to leave the place and she stays together with him because Pilar wants to talk about love affair with him. …I wanted to be alone with him, far from this place, holding his hand and telling him how I felt. We needed to talk more about the house, about our plans, about love. I wanted to reassure him, to make clear how strong my feelings were, and to let him know that his dream could come true—because I would be at his side, helping him… (Coelho, 1994:97). However, Pilar does not want to do it because the meeting to celebrate Happy Day of the Immaculate Conception by her childhood friend is part of his life. Pilar will not ruin his life but Pilar tries to participate in part of his life. “You’re shivering from the cold. You don’t have to take part in this,” he said. “Are you going to stay?” “Yes. This is my life.” “Then I’m going to participate,” I answered, even though I would have preferred to be far from there (Coelho, 1994: 98) Pilar sees directly a life undergone by her childhood friend. He has a life with strong faith in The Virgin. Pilar tries to follow all actions which are done by people in the place because they are something new for Pilar. When the meeting will be over, all people get a chance to make request and Pilar makes it with her childhood friend. After the meeting, Pilar does not feel worried about a risk of love affair but Pilar has been ready to face all risk about her love. For years, I had fought against my heart, because I was afraid of sadness, suffering, and abandonment. But now I knew that true love was above all that and that it would be better to die than to fail to love. I had thought that only others had the courage to love. But now I discovered that I too was capable of loving. Even if loving meant leaving, or solitude, or sorrow, love was worth every penny of its price. (Coelho, 1994:104) A decision taken by Pilar to make love affair and create a family with her childhood friend is the way of person in ethic stage. Pilar is ready to face anything of risk by her decision about love affair and has responsibility to create a family. By her experience, Pilar wants to create a 113 life based commitment for his life with her childhood friend. Kaufman states in the ethical stage, individuals get the past as a life experience and understand the future as expectations are based commitments of his life (1956:263). Pilar has made commitment in her life to struggle with her love and make a marriage with her childhood friend 4.1.3 Religious stage Pilar’s journey with her childhood friend finally takes Pilar’s life at religious stage. Pilar decides to live with her childhood friend because Pilar wants to create a family in a marriage and she wants to stay with her childhood friend in house like other humans, but she must face difficult choice. When a priest of church who is supervisor of her childhood friend comes in her life, Pilar knows the truth about her childhood friend life as candidate of a priest with his power to heal people that need help which makes Pilar fear to live with her childhood friend. However, love has been present in Pilar’s life after spending some days with him and being aware little of spiritual life, Pilar begins to feel the presence of God in her life through her love to her childhood friend. Finally, Pilar’s decision to keep loving him is based on her faith in God. When Pilar is awake from her sleep in the morning, Pilar finds that her childhood friend who stays in the same room with her has gone. Pilar feels fearful if he leaves without saying anything when she is sleeping. But Pilar’s fear is gone when Pilar gets a message from her childhood friend on the table. Her childhood friend goes to the seminary and asks to prepare everything because they will go to Spain tonight. At the time, Pilar believes that her love grows in every journey with her childhood friend and Pilar feels that love belongs to her who has changed her life to become someone, soon or later, finds God in her life. Then I saw his note: I’ve gone to the seminary. Pack up your things, because we’re going back to Spain tonight. I’ll be back by late afternoon. I love you. I clutched the note to my breast, feeling miserable and relieved at the same time. I noticed that the other had retreated. I loved him. With every minute that passed, my love was growing and transforming me. I once again had faith in the future, and little by little, I was recovering my faith in God. All because of love. (Coelho, 1994:111) After she gets the message from her childhood friend and Pilar prepares everything to make a journey to Spain with her childhood friend that night, Pilar plans to take a walk to wait for her childhood friend in the morning. As she wants to leave house, the owner of house invites to have breakfast together. They enjoy to tell about their life each other and suddenly Pilar feels something in her pocket. Pilar considers that the key of house which is given by her 114 childhood friend belongs to her. Pilar openly asks to the owner of house about house which is given to Tarbes. The owner shows the house and Pilar directly decides to visit the house. I felt something in the pocket of my bag pressing at me. When I realized what it was, my heart went cold. I quickly finished my coffee. The key. I had the key. “There was a woman in this city who died and left everything to the seminary at Tarbes,” I said. “Do you know where her house is?” The woman opened the door and showed me. It was one of the medieval houses on the plaza. The back of the house looked out over the valley toward the mountains in the distance. I soon stood in front of the house, not knowing what to do. The mist was everywhere, and I felt as if I were in a gray dream where strange figures might appear and take me away to places even more peculiar. I toyed nervously with the key. (Coelho, 1994:114) In front of the house, Pilar stands and observes the house which is covered by fogs. Pilar tries to collect her courage to enter the house. When she wants to go into the house, unexpectedly, Pilar hears voice which calls her name in the fog. The voice gets louder and someone appears. Pilar realises that he is a priest of a church; she is curious to know how the Priest knows her name. He explains that he knows Pilar because he is a senior childhood friend of hers. He comes to the place because he knows from the Charismatic group and he wants to meet Pilar and her childhood friend. From the Priest, Pilar knows that her childhood friend is not in the seminary. “I came here because I wanted to see you two. A member of the Charismatic group last night told me you were both staying in SaintSavin. And it’s a small place.” “He went to the seminary.” The padre’s smile disappeared, and he shook his head. “Too bad,” he said, as if speaking to himself. “You mean, too bad he went to the seminary?” “No, he’s not there. I’ve just come from the seminary.” (Coelho, 1994:117) That day, the priest invites Pilar to meet directly her childhood friend in one place of the villages. On the way to the place, Priest and Pilar meet a woman. When she looks the priest, the woman runs to come the priest. The woman wants to say thanks to the young man because the man has healed her husband. Then the woman invites Priest and Pilar to meet her husband. Pilar recollects the situation when someone says that she is together with someone amazing and Pilar thinks that someone having power to heal is probably her childhood friend. The woman carrying the hay saw the priest and came running in our direction. “Padre, thank you!” she said, kissing his hands. “The young man cured my husband!” “It was the Virgin who cured your husband,” he said. “The lad is only an instrument.” “It was he. Come in, please.” “It was he. Come in, please.” I recalled the previous night. When we arrived at the cathedral, a man had told me I was with a man who performed miracles. (Coelho, 1994: 121) After encountering the woman and her husband who is healed by her childhood friend, Pilar knows the truth about life of her childhood friend. Pilar considers that she has made a wrong decision to fall in love with him. Her presence in the life of her childhood friend has 115 changed his responsibility as a man having a power to heal and giving a hope to people in need. “…I was in love with a man who was capable of performing cures. A man who could help others, bring relief to suffering, give health to the sick and hope to their loved ones. Was I distracting him from his mission just because it was at odds with my image of a house with white curtains, cherished records, and favourite books…” (Coelho, 1994:124). Pilar and the priest leave the woman and her husband to find Pilar’s childhood friend. On the way, Pilar tells the priest what she knows about her childhood friend life. During this time, Pilar thinks her childhood friend is someone that has no decision to choose about religion and marriage in his life. Then the priest explains again to Pilar that the life of her childhood friend is different from others. He has power to be able to speak with a Lady. Spiritual life needs someone like him because his attendance in spiritual life of human is important as a leader with his thoughts to make spiritual transformation. …“He is a revolutionary,” he continued, sounding humble. “He has the power, and he converses with Our Lady. If he is able to concentrate his forces well, he can be one of the leaders in the spiritual transformation of the human race. This is a critical point in the history of the world (Coelho, 1994:134). When Pilar and the priest are at the place of her childhood friend, Pilar sees that her childhood friend is praying. Pilar feels something different with him when her childhood friend at prayer. Pilar looks at him with a big spiritual power. When the priest tries to come to her childhood friend, Pilar feels fear so she asks to the priest not to disturb him. However, Padre keeps trying to meet him; yet the situation makes Pilar anxious so she decides to leave the place because she does not want to disturb his ritual. His head was bowed and his hands joined in prayer. I don’t know if I was influenced by the ritual I had attended the night before or by the woman who had been gathering hay, but I felt that I was looking at someone with an incredible spiritual force. I was feeling more and more anxious. “Let’s not disturb him,” I said. “Let him finish his contemplation.” “He shouldn’t be here. He should be with you.” I turned away and began to walk down the same path we had just come up. The Padre followed me (Coelho, 1994:138) Pilar leaves her childhood friend who is praying at the place and the priest follows her. After talking with the priest about her feeling to her childhood friend. Pilar leaves the priest and spends the time to keep waiting for her childhood friend although she already knows the truth about him. Pilar spends to walk on the valley and visit a village around Saint-Savin. Then Pilar goes into the church of the village. As Pilar sees a crucifix in the church, suddenly Pilar begins to speak. Pilar feels something mastering herself and at the time Pilar begins to 116 pray about her love to her childhood friend. Pilar does not want to leave him and she helps him to become an instrument to serve God. At the church in the village, I lit a candle. I closed my eyes and repeated the invocations I had learned the previous night. Then, concentrating on a crucifix that hung behind the altar, I began to speak in tongues. Bit by bit, the gift took over. It was easier than I had thought. I closed my eyes and prayed. Our Lady, give me back my faith. May I also serve as an instrument ofyour work. Give me the opportunity to learn through my love, because lovehas never kept anyone away from their dreams. May I be a companion and ally of the man I love. May we accomplisheverything we have to accomplish—together. (Coelho, 1994:141) When Pilar makes a request to God about her love affair with her childhood friend, Pilar has a belief that only God can help her to face every decision which has been made. The situation describes Pilar as someone who moves in religious stages because Pilar makes her life based on faith in God having strengths and abilities. At night, Pilar and her childhood friend make a journey to go back to Spain, but because the day is late, Pilar and her childhood friend decide to stop in a small village. They choose to stay in the village and continue the journey in the morning. At night, Pilar senses something coming in herself after she makes a pray in the church in the afternoon. Pilar has gotten her faith in God and Pilar assures that her decision to stay with her childhood friend is not something wrong. She will struggle with her childhood friend to spread knowledge about Great mother to create new world. But I would never go through that, I promised myself. I would never lose him. He would always be with me—because I had heard the tongues of the Holy Spirit as I looked at a crucifix behind an altar, and they had said that I would not be committing a sin. I would be his companion, and together we would take a world that was going to be created anew. We would talk about the Great Mother. That’s what the tongues had said to me—and because I had recovered my faith, I knew they were telling the truth. (Coelho, 1994:150) In the morning, Pilar and her childhood friend wants to continue her journey to go back Spain, but her childhood friend wants to go another place before going there. Pilar is thinking the place to be able to go there. When Pilar hears ring of church bells, Pilar remembers one place and suggests to go to the place. Pilar invites her childhood friend to see the monastery of Piedra again. I went to the window, opened the curtains, and looked down on the narrow street. The balconies of the houses were draped with drying laundry. The church bells were ringing. “I’ve got an idea,” I said. “Let’s go to a place we shared as children. I’ve never been back there.” “Where?” “The monastery at Piedra. (Coelho, 1994:152) 117 Pilar and her childhood friend arrive at the place in the afternoon. They spend time to walk in areas of the monastery and recall the time when they are still children and play in the monastery. At the place, Pilar is very happy and thanks God because God has met herself with someone loving her and can make journey together with him. Pilar also realizes that because of love to her childhood friend, she has a chance to serve God with him. God was good and had given me back my lost enthusiasm, directing me toward the adventures I had always dreamed about. And toward the man who—without my knowing it—had waited for me all my life. I felt no remorse over the fact that he was leaving the seminary—there were many ways to serve God, as the padre had said, and our love only multiplied the number of them. Starting now, I would also have the chance to serve and help—all because of him.We would go out into the world, bringing comfort to others and to each other. (Coelho, 1994:161) Pilar sees the presence of God in his life when she takes her childhood friend to the past place. New life is coming in Pilar’s life and she feels that Pilar gets love and affection of God when she is there. Her belief and desire to be someone who obeys command of God makes Pilar release all dream to make a life with her childhood friend in the house. But, Pilar only wants to keep staying with her childhood friend. Pilar wants to be a person of her childhood friend life as person obeying God because Pilar has gotten her faith from her childhood friend. …“I don’t care about that house! I didn’t even want to go in!” I said, trying not to shout. “I want to go with you, to be with youin your struggle. I want to be one of those who does something for the first time. Don’t you understand? You’ve given me back my faith!” (Coelho, 1994:166) Finally, love story of Pilar with her childhood friend changes Pilar to become someone in a peak of existence, that is, religious stage. Fadhillah states that at religious stage humans choose “faith” as a basis for making the decision to act (2009:51). Pilar understands only faith in God which can make herself with her childhood friend. Her love feeling to him is the way of Pilar to get her faith in God and understand the power and help of God. Therefore, Pilar decides to spend her time as an instrument to serve God through her love to her childhood friend. 5. CONCLUSION Pilar’s journey and her love story with her childhood friend show her existence. Based on Kierkegaard (1962), there are 3 ways of human life to achieve their existence. They are aesthetic stage, ethic stage and religious stage. Aesthetic stage happens in Pilar’s life when Pilar leaves all of her life in Zaragoza because she only satisfies her desire to meet her childhood friend in other place. Pilar feels bored with her life and she wants to try finding 118 new experience that is she meets her childhood friend and can recall memories when they are still children. Besides that, Pilar ignores her love after her childhood explains his feeling to her because she thinks that it disturbs her happiness with him. Furthermore, ethic stage happens in Pilar life when Pilar realises that the struggle of her childhood friend shows his love to Pilar and Pilar begins to senselove that has come in her life. Finally, Pilar makes a decision in her life based on her love to her childhood friend that she wants to create a family through a marriage with him. Religious stage occurs when Pilar has found faith in God in her life. As Pilar knows the truth about life of her childhood friend as a man having spiritual power to help many people, Pilar requests God about love affair with her childhood friend. Because of love, she has gotten her faith so Pilar can leave him. Pilar chooses to keep living a life with her childhood friend as lovers and she wants to serve God with him. 6. REFERENCES Abidin, Z. (2002). Analisis Eksistensial. Bandung: PT. Refika Aditama. Bertens. K. (2013). Filsafat Barat Kontemporer. Jakarta: Gramedia. Christensen, Anne-Marie. (2007). Depending on Ethics: Kierkegaard’s View of Philosophy and Beyond. University of Southern Denmark. 4.1. Page 1-119 Coelho, P. (1994). By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. PerfectboundTM. Evans, C. S. (2009). Kierkegaard an Introduction. New York: Cambridge Univ. Press. Fadhillah. (2009). Hakekat Manusia Dalam Pandangan Eksistensialisme Soren Kierkegaard. Jurnal Madani Edisi I/Mei Fromm, E. (1985). The Art of Loving. British: Thorson. Hadiwijono, H. (1975). Ringkasan Sejarah Filsafat. Yogyakarta: Kanisius. Hardiman, F. B. (2007). Filsafat Modern Dari Machiavelli Sampai Nietzsche. Jakarta: Gramedia. Kaufmann, W. (1956). Existentialism from Dostoevsky to Sartre. New York: World Publishing. Kierkegaard, S. (1962). The Present Age and of The Difference Between a Genius and Apostle, translated by Alexander Dru. New York: Harper Tochbooks. Michelman, S. (2008). Historical Dictionary of Existentialism. United States of America: The Scarecrow Press, Inc. Miles, T. P. (2006). The Ethical Project Kierkegaard and Nietzsche Share: Illustrating, Analyzing, and Evaluating Different Ways of Life. Texas: University of Texas. Nurgiyantoro, B. (2010). Teori Pengkajian Fiksi. Yogyakarta: UGM Press. 119 Obinyan, V. E. (2014). Nature of Human Existence in Kierkegaard’s Ethical Philosophy: A Step towards Self-Valuation and Transformation in Our Contemporary World. International Journal of Philosophy 2:1: 1-14. Rahman, M. A. (2013). Sejarah Filsafat Barat. Yogyakarta: IRCiSoD. Stumps, S. E. & Fieser, J. (2003). Socrates To Sartre and Beyond. United States: McGraw- Hill. Taylor, R. (1981). Understanding the Elements of Literature. Hongkong: The Macmillan Press Ltd. Wellek, R & Wasten, A.(1956 ). Theory of Literature. United states of America: Harcout, Brace and World.Inc.