







 
   
     
       
         The women's petition against coffee representing to publick consideration the grand inconveniencies accruing to their sex from the excessive use of that drying, enfeebling liquor : presented to the right honorable the keepers of the liberty of Venus / by a well-willer.
         Well-willer.
      
       
         
           1674
        
      
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             The women's petition against coffee representing to publick consideration the grand inconveniencies accruing to their sex from the excessive use of that drying, enfeebling liquor : presented to the right honorable the keepers of the liberty of Venus / by a well-willer.
             Well-willer.
          
           [2], 6 p.
           
             [s.n.],
             London :
             1674.
          
           
             Reproduction of original in Bodleian Library.
          
        
      
    
     
       
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         eng
      
       
         
           Coffee -- Early works to 1800.
           Coffee -- Physiological effect -- Early works to 1800.
        
      
    
     
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           THE
           WOMEN'S
           PETITION
           AGAINST
           COFFEE
           .
        
         
           REPRESENTING
           TO
           PUBLICK
           CONSIDERATION
           THE
           Grand
           INCONVENIENCIES
           accruing
           to
           their
           SEX
           from
           the
           Excessive
           Use
           of
           that
           Drying
           ,
           Enfeebling
           LIQUOR
           .
        
         
           Presented
           to
           the
           Right
           Honorable
           the
           Keepers
           of
           the
           Liberty
           of
           VENVS
           .
        
         
           By
           a
           Well-willer
           —
        
         
           London
           ,
           Printed
           1674.
           
        
      
    
     
       
         
         
         
           To
           the
           Right
           Honorable
           the
           Keepers
           of
           the
           Liberties
           of
           Venus
           ;
           The
           Worshipful
           Court
           of
           Female-Assistants
           ,
           &c.
           
        
         
           The
           Humble
           Petition
           and
           Address
           of
           several
           Thousands
           of
           Buxome
           Good-Women
           ,
           Languishing
           in
           Extremity
           of
           Want.
           
        
         
           SHEWETH
           ,
           THat
           since
           't
           is
           Reckon'd
           amongst
           the
           Glories
           of
           our
           Native
           Country
           ,
           To
           be
           
             A
             Paradise
             for
             Women
          
           :
           The
           same
           in
           our
           Apprehensions
           can
           consist
           in
           nothing
           more
           than
           the
           brisk
           Activity
           of
           our
           men
           ,
           who
           in
           former
           Ages
           were
           justly
           esteemed
           the
           
             Ablest
             Performers
          
           in
           Christendome
           ;
           But
           to
           our
           unspeakable
           Grief
           ,
           we
           find
           of
           late
           a
           very
           sensible
           Decay
           of
           that
           true
           
             Old
             English
             Vigour
          
           ;
           our
           Gallants
           being
           every
           way
           so
           Frenchified
           ,
           that
           they
           are
           become
           meer
           Cock-sparrows
           ,
           fluttering
           things
           that
           come
           on
           
             Sa●
             sa
          
           ,
           with
           a
           world
           of
           Fury
           
           but
           are
           not
           able
           to
           stand
           to
           it
           ,
           and
           in
           the
           very
           first
           Charge
           fall
           down
           flat
           before
           us
           .
           Never
           did
           Men
           wear
           
             greater
             Breeches
          
           ,
           or
           carry
           less
           in
           them
           of
           any
           Mettle
           whatsoever
           .
           There
           was
           a
           glorious
           Dispensation
           (
           't
           was
           surely
           in
           the
           Golden
           Age
           )
           when
           
             Lusty
             Ladds
          
           of
           s●ven
           or
           
             eight
             hund●ed
          
           years
           old
           ,
           Got
           Sons
           and
           Daughters
           ;
           and
           we
           have
           read
           ,
           how
           a
           Prince
           of
           Spain
           was
           forced
           to
           make
           a
           Law
           ,
           that
           Men
           should
           not
           Repeat
           the
           
             Grand
             Kindness
          
           to
           their
           Wives
           ,
           above
           NINE
           times
           in
           a
           night
           :
           But
           Alas
           !
           Alas
           !
           Those
           forwards
           Days
           are
           gone
           ,
           The
           dull
           Lubbers
           want
           a
           Spur
           now
           ,
           rather
           than
           a
           Bridle
           :
           being
           so
           far
           from
           doing
           any
           works
           of
           Supererregation
           that
           we
           find
           them
           not
           capable
           of
           performing
           those
           Devoirs
           which
           their
           Duty
           ,
           and
           our
           Expectations
           Exact
           .
        
         
           The
           Occasion
           of
           which
           Insufferable
           Disaster
           ,
           after
           a
           serious
           Enquiry
           ,
           and
           Discussion
           of
           the
           Point
           by
           the
           Learned
           of
           the
           Faculty
           ,
           we
           can
           Attribute
           to
           nothing
           more
           than
           the
           Excessive
           use
           of
           that
           Newfangled
           ,
           Abominable
           ,
           Heathenish
           Liquor
           called
           COFFEE
           ,
           which
           Riffling
           Nature
           of
           her
           Choicest
           Treasures
           ,
           and
           Drying
           up
           the
           
             Radical
             Moisture
          
           ,
           has
           so
           Eunuch●
           our
           Husbands
           ,
           and
           Crippled
           our
           more
           kind
           Gallants
           ,
           that
           they
           are
           become
           as
           Impotent
           ,
           as
           Age
           ,
           and
           as
           unfruitful
           as
           those
           Desarts
           whence
           that
           unhappy
           Berry
           is
           said
           to
           be
           brought
           .
        
         
           For
           the
           continual
           sipping
           of
           this
           pittiful
           drink
           is
           enough
           to
           bewitch
           Men
           of
           two
           and
           twenty
           ,
           and
           tie
           up
           the
           Codpice-point
           without
           a
           Charm.
           It
           renders
           them
           that
           use
           it
           as
           Lean
           as
           Famine
           ,
           as
           Rivvel'd
           as
           Envy
           ,
           or
           an
           old
           meager
           Hagg
           over-ridden
           by
           an
           Incubus
           .
           They
           come
           from
           it
           with
           nothing
           moist
           but
           their
           snotty
           Noses
           ,
           nothing
           stiffe
           but
           their
           Joints
           ,
           nor
           standing
           but
           their
           Ears
           :
           They
           pretend
           't
           will
           keep
           them
           Waking
           ,
           but
           we
           find
           by
           scurvy
           Experience
           ,
           they
           
           
             sleep
             quietly
          
           enough
           after
           it
           .
           A
           Betrothed
           Queen
           might
           trust
           her self
           a
           bed
           with
           one
           of
           them
           ,
           without
           the
           nice
           Caution
           of
           a
           Sword
           between
           them
           :
           nor
           can
           all
           the
           Art
           we
           use
           revive
           them
           from
           this
           Lethargy
           ,
           so
           unfit
           they
           are
           for
           Action
           ,
           that
           like
           young
           Train-band-men
           when
           called
           upon
           Duty
           ,
           their
           Amunition
           is
           wanting
           ;
           peradventure
           they
           Present
           ,
           but
           cannot
           give
           Fire
           ,
           or
           at
           least
           do
           but
           
             flash
             in
             the
             Pan
          
           ,
           instead
           of
           doing
           Execution
           .
        
         
           Nor
           let
           any
           Doating
           Superstitious
           
           Cato's
           shake
           their
           Goatish
           Beards
           ,
           and
           tax
           us
           of
           Immodesty
           for
           this
           Declaration
           ,
           since
           't
           is
           a
           publick
           Grievance
           ,
           and
           cries
           aloud
           for
           Reformation
           .
           Weight
           and
           Measure
           ,
           't
           is
           well
           known
           ,
           should
           go
           throughout
           the
           world
           ,
           and
           there
           is
           no
           torment
           like
           Famishment
           .
           Experience
           witnesses
           our
           Damage
           ,
           and
           Necessity
           (
           which
           easily
           supersedes
           all
           the
           Laws
           of
           Decency
           )
           justifies
           our
           complaints
           :
           For
           can
           any
           Woman
           of
           Sense
           or
           Spirit
           endure
           with
           Patience
           ,
           that
           when
           priviledg'd
           by
           Legal
           Ceremonies
           ,
           she
           approaches
           the
           Nuptial
           Bed
           ,
           expecting
           a
           Man
           that
           with
           Sprightly
           Embraces
           ,
           should
           Answer
           the
           Vigour
           of
           her
           Flames
           ,
           she
           on
           the
           contrary
           should
           only
           meet
           
             A
             Bedful
             of
             Bones
          
           ,
           and
           hug
           a
           meager
           useless
           Corpse
           rendred
           as
           sapless
           as
           a
           Kixe
           ,
           and
           dryer
           than
           a
           Pumice-Stone
           ,
           by
           the
           perpetual
           Fumes
           of
           Tobacco
           ,
           and
           bewitching
           effects
           of
           this
           most
           pernitious
           COFFEE
           ,
           whereby
           Nature
           is
           Enfeebled
           ,
           the
           Off-spring
           of
           our
           Mighty
           Ancestors
           Dwindled
           into
           a
           Succession
           of
           Apes
           and
           Pignies
           :
           and
           
             
               —
               The
               Age
               of
               Man
            
             
               Now
               Cramp't
               into
               an
               Inch
               ,
               that
               was
               a
               Span.
               
            
          
        
         
           Nor
           is
           this
           (
           though
           more
           than
           enough
           )
           All
           the
           ground
           of
           our
           Complaint
           :
           For
           besides
           ,
           we
           have
           reason
           to
           apprehend
           and
           grow
           Iealous
           ,
           That
           Men
           by
           frequenting
           these
           
             Stygian
             Tap-houses
          
           will
           usurp
           on
           our
           Prerogative
           of
           Tatling
           ,
           
           and
           soon
           learn
           to
           exeel
           us
           in
           Talkativeness
           :
           a
           Quality
           wherein
           our
           Sex
           has
           ever
           Claimed
           preheminence
           :
           For
           here
           like
           so
           many
           Frogs
           in
           a
           puddle
           ,
           they
           sup
           muddy
           water
           ,
           and
           murmur
           infignificant
           notes
           till
           half
           a
           dozen
           of
           them
           out-babble
           an
           equal
           number
           of
           us
           at
           a
           Gossipping
           ,
           talking
           all
           at
           once
           in
           Confusion
           ,
           and
           running
           from
           point
           to
           point
           as
           insensibly
           ,
           and
           as
           swiftly
           ,
           as
           ever
           the
           Ingenious
           Pole-wheel
           could
           run
           divisions
           on
           the
           Base-viol
           ;
           yet
           in
           all
           their
           prattle
           every
           one
           abounds
           in
           his
           own
           sense
           ,
           as
           stiffly
           as
           a
           Quaker
           at
           the
           late
           Barbican
           Dispute
           ,
           and
           submits
           to
           the
           Reasons
           of
           no
           other
           mortal
           :
           so
           that
           there
           being
           neither
           Moderator
           nor
           Rules
           observ'd
           ,
           you
           may
           as
           soon
           fill
           a
           Quart
           pot
           with
           Syllogismes
           ,
           as
           profit
           by
           their
           Discourses
           .
        
         
           Certainly
           our
           Countrymens
           pallates
           are
           become
           as
           Fanatical
           as
           their
           Brains
           ;
           how
           else
           is
           't
           possible
           they
           should
           Apostatize
           from
           the
           good
           old
           primitive
           way
           of
           Ale-drinking
           ,
           to
           run
           a
           Whoreing
           after
           such
           variety
           of
           distructive
           Forraign
           Liquors
           ,
           to
           trifle
           away
           their
           time
           ,
           scald
           their
           Chops
           ,
           and
           spend
           their
           Money
           ,
           all
           for
           a
           little
           
             base
             ,
             black
             ,
             thick
             ,
             nasty
             ,
             bitter
             ,
             stinking
             ,
             nauseous
          
           Puddle-water
           :
           Yet
           (
           as
           all
           Witches
           have
           their
           Charms
           )
           so
           this
           ugly
           Turkish
           Enchantress
           by
           certain
           
             Invisible
             VVyres
          
           attracts
           both
           Rich
           and
           Pooor
           ;
           so
           that
           those
           that
           have
           scarce
           Twopence
           to
           buy
           their
           Children
           Bread
           ,
           must
           spend
           a
           penny
           each
           evening
           in
           this
           Insipid
           Stuff
           :
           Nor
           can
           we
           send
           one
           of
           our
           Husbands
           to
           
             Call
             a
             Midwife
          
           ,
           or
           borrow
           a
           Glister-pipe
           ,
           but
           he
           must
           stay
           an
           hour
           by
           the
           way
           drinking
           his
           two
           Dishes
           ,
           &
           two
           Pipes
           .
        
         
           At
           these
           Houses
           (
           as
           at
           the
           Springs
           in
           Afric
           )
           meet
           all
           sorts
           of
           Animals
           ,
           whence
           follows
           the
           production
           of
           a
           thousand
           Monster
           Opinions
           and
           Absurdities
           ;
           yet
           for
           being
           dangerous
           to
           Government
           ,
           we
           dare
           be
           their
           Compurgaters
           ,
           as
           well
           knowing
           them
           to
           be
           too
           tame
           and
           too
           talkative
           
           to
           make
           any
           desperate
           Polititians
           :
           For
           though
           they
           may
           now
           and
           then
           destroy
           a
           Fleet
           ,
           or
           kill
           ten
           thousand
           of
           the
           French
           ,
           more
           than
           all
           the
           Confederates
           can
           do
           ,
           yet
           this
           is
           still
           in
           their
           politick
           Capacities
           ,
           for
           by
           their
           personal
           valour
           they
           are
           scarce
           fit
           to
           be
           of
           the
           Life-guard
           to
           a
           Cherry-tree
           :
           And
           therefore
           ,
           though
           they
           frequently
           have
           hot
           Contests
           about
           most
           Important
           Subjects
           ;
           as
           what
           colour
           the
           Red
           Sea
           is
           of
           ;
           whether
           the
           Great
           Turk
           be
           a
           Lutheran
           or
           a
           Calvinist
           ;
           who
           
           Cain's
           Father
           in
           Law
           was
           ,
           &c.
           yet
           they
           never
           fight
           about
           them
           with
           any
           other
           save
           our
           Weapon
           ,
           the
           Tongue
           .
        
         
           Some
           of
           our
           Sots
           pretend
           tippling
           of
           this
           boiled
           Soot
           cures
           them
           of
           being
           Drunk
           ;
           but
           we
           have
           reason
           rather
           to
           conclude
           it
           makes
           them
           so
           ,
           because
           we
           find
           them
           not
           able
           to
           stand
           after
           it
           :
           'T
           is
           at
           best
           but
           a
           kind
           of
           Earthing
           a
           Fox
           to
           hunt
           him
           more
           eagerly
           afterward
           :
           A
           rare
           method
           of
           good-husbandry
           ,
           to
           enable
           a
           man
           to
           be
           drunk
           three
           times
           a
           day
           !
           Just
           such
           a
           Remedy
           for
           Drunkenness
           ,
           as
           the
           Popes
           allowing
           of
           Stews
           ,
           is
           a
           means
           to
           prevent
           Fornication
           :
           The
           Coffee-house
           being
           in
           truth
           ,
           only
           a
           Pimp
           to
           the
           Tavern
           ,
           a
           relishing
           soop
           preparative
           to
           a
           fresh
           debauch
           :
           For
           when
           people
           have
           swill'd
           themselves
           with
           a
           morning
           draught
           of
           more
           Ale
           than
           a
           Brewers
           horse
           can
           carry
           ,
           hither
           they
           come
           for
           a
           pennyworth
           of
           Settle-brain
           ,
           where
           they
           are
           sure
           to
           meet
           enow
           lazy
           pragmatical
           Companions
           ,
           that
           resort
           here
           to
           prattle
           of
           News
           ,
           that
           they
           neither
           understand
           ,
           nor
           are
           concerned
           in
           ;
           and
           after
           an
           hours
           impertinent
           Chat
           ,
           begin
           to
           consider
           a
           Bottle
           of
           Claret
           would
           do
           excellent
           well
           before
           Dinner
           ;
           whereupon
           to
           the
           Bush
           they
           all
           march
           together
           ,
           till
           every
           one
           of
           them
           is
           as
           Drunk
           as
           a
           Drum
           ,
           and
           then
           back
           again
           to
           the
           Coffe-house
           to
           drink
           themselves
           sober
           ;
           where
           three
           or
           four
           dishes
           a
           piece
           ,
           and
           smoaking
           ,
           makes
           their
           throats
           as
           dry
           as
           Mount
           Aetna
           enflam'd
           with
           Brimstone
           ;
           so
           that
           they
           must
           away
           to
           the
           next
           
             Red
             Lattice
          
           to
           quench
           them
           with
           a
           dozen
           or
           two
           of
           
           Ale
           ,
           which
           at
           last
           growing
           nauseous
           ,
           one
           of
           them
           begins
           to
           extol
           the
           blood
           of
           the
           Grape
           ,
           what
           rare
           Langoon
           ,
           and
           Racy
           Canary
           may
           be
           had
           at
           the
           Miter
           :
           Saist
           thou
           so
           ?
           cries
           another
           ,
           
             Let
             's
             then
             go
             and
             replenish
             there
             ▪
             with
             our
             Earthen
             Vessels
          
           :
           So
           once
           more
           they
           troop
           to
           the
           Sack-shop
           till
           they
           are
           drunker
           than
           before
           ;
           and
           then
           by
           a
           retrograde
           motion
           ,
           stagger
           back
           to
           Soberize
           themselves
           with
           Coffee
           :
           Thus
           like
           
             Tennis
             Balls
          
           between
           two
           Rackets
           ,
           the
           
             Fopps
             our
             Husbands
          
           are
           bandied
           to
           and
           fro
           all
           day
           between
           the
           Coffee-house
           and
           Tavern
           ,
           whilst
           we
           poor
           Souls
           sit
           mopeing
           all
           alone
           till
           Twelve
           at
           night
           ,
           and
           when
           at
           last
           they
           come
           to
           bed
           smoakt
           like
           a
           
             Westphalia
             Hogs-head
          
           we
           have
           no
           more
           comfort
           of
           them
           ,
           than
           from
           a
           
             shotten
             Herring
          
           or
           a
           dryed
           Bulrush
           ;
           which
           forces
           us
           to
           take
           up
           this
           Lamentation
           and
           sing
           ,
           
             Tom
             Farthing
             ,
             Tom
             Farthing
             ,
             where
             hast
             thou
             been
             ,
             Tom
             Farthing
             ?
             Twelve
             a
             Clock
             e're
             you
             come
             in
             ,
             Two
             a
             Clock
             e're
             you
             begin
             ,
             And
             then
             at
             last
             can
             do
             nothing
             :
             Would
             make
             a
             Woman
             weary
             ,
             weary
             ,
             weary
             ,
             would
             make
             a
             Woman
             weary
             ,
             &c.
             
          
        
         
           Wherefore
           the
           Premises
           considered
           ,
           and
           to
           the
           end
           that
           our
           Just
           Rights
           may
           be
           restored
           ,
           and
           all
           the
           Antient
           Priviledges
           of
           our
           Sex
           preserved
           inviolable
           ;
           That
           our
           Husbands
           may
           give
           us
           some
           other
           Testimonies
           of
           their
           being
           Men
           ,
           besides
           their
           Beards
           and
           wearing
           of
           empty
           Pantaloons
           :
           That
           they
           no
           more
           run
           the
           hazard
           of
           being
           Cuckol'd
           by
           Dildo's
           :
           But
           returning
           to
           the
           good
           old
           strengthning
           Liquors
           of
           our
           Forefathers
           ;
           that
           Natures
           Exchequer
           may
           once
           again
           be
           replenisht
           ,
           and
           a
           Race
           of
           Lusty
           Hero's
           begot
           ,
           able
           by
           their
           Atchievments
           ,
           to
           equal
           the
           Glories
           of
           our
           Ancesters
           .
        
         
           We
           
             Humbly
             Pray
          
           ,
           That
           you
           our
           Trusty
           Patrons
           would
           improve
           your
           Interest
           ,
           that
           henceferth
           the
           
             Drinking
             COFFEE
          
           may
           on
           severe
           penalties
           be
           forbidden
           to
           all
           Persons
           under
           the
           Age
           of
           Threescore
           ;
           and
           that
           instead
           thereof
           ,
           
             Lusty
             nappy
             Beer
             ,
             Cock-Ale
             ,
             Cordial
             Canaries
             ,
             Restoring
             Malago's
             ,
          
           and
           
             Back-recruiting
             Chocholet
          
           be
           Recommended
           to
           General
           Use
           ,
           throughout
           the
           Vtopian
           Territories
           .
        
         
           
             In
             hopes
             of
             which
             Glorious
             Reformation
             ,
             your
             Petitioners
             shall
             readily
             Prostrate
             themselves
             ,
             and
             ever
             Pray
             ,
             &c.
             
          
        
         
           FINIS
           .
        
      
    
     
  

