provided by the internet archive jack and the bean-stalk english hexameters by hallam tennyson illustrated by randolph caldecott london macmillan and co. and new york 1886 preface in his last letter to me caldecott wrote: 'i have been making several attempts at the giant, and have been cogitating over the illustrations to "jack" generally. during the winter i shall be able to show you some of my ideas.' the following unfinished sketches are the 'ideas,' which, with mrs. caldecott's kind permission, have been reproduced. h. t. to my father, in recognition of what this booklet owes to him, and to my nephews, 'golden-hair'd' ally, charlie, and michael, who have so far condescended as to honour it with their approbation. jack and the bean-stalk |jack was a poor widow's heir, but he lived as a drone ```in a beehive, `hardly a handstir a day did he work. to squander her ```earnings `seem'd to the poor widow hard, who raved and scolded ```him always. `nought in her house was left; not a cheese, not a loaf, ```not an onion; `nought but a cow in her yard, and that must go to the ```market. `"sell me the cow," cried she; then he sold it, gad! for a ```handful---`only to think!------of beans. she shied them out thro' ```the window, `cursing him: hied to her bed, there slept, but awoke in ```amazement, `seeing a huge bean-stalk, many leaves, many pods, many ```flowers, `rise to the clouds more tall than a tall california pine```tree; `high as a lark was jack, scarce seen, and climbing away ```there. `"where an' o where," * he shrill'd; she beheld his boots ```disappearing; * "<i>where an' o where is my highland laddie gone?</i>" `pod by pod jack arose, till he came to a pod that alarm'd ```him. `bridge-like this long pod stretch'd out, and touch'd on an ```island `veil'd in vapour. a shape from the island waved him a ```signal, `waved with a shining hand, and jack with an humble ```obeisance `crawl'd to the shape, who remark'd, "i gave those beans ```to ye, darling. `i am a fairy, a friend to ye, jack; see yonder a giant `lives, who slew your own good father, see what a fortress! `enter it, have no fear, since i, your fairy, protect you." `jack march'd up to the gate, in a moment pass'd to the ```kitchen `led by the savoury smell. this giant's wife with a ladle `basted a young elephant (jack's namesake shriek'd and ```turn'd it). `back jack shrank in alarm: with fat cheeks peony-bulbous, `ladle in hand, she stood, and spake in a tone of amuse```ment: . `"oh! what a cramp'd-up, small, unsesquipedalian object!" `then from afar came steps, heavy tramps, as a pavior ```hamm'ring; `out of her huge moon-cheeks the redundant peony faded, `jack's lank hair she grabb'd, and, looking sad resolution, `popt him aghast in among her saucepans' grimy recesses. `then strode in, with a loud heavy-booted thunder of heel```taps, `he with a tiger at heel--her giant, swarthy, colossal: `"i smell flesh of a man; yea, wife, tho' he prove but a ```morsel, `man tastes good." she replied, "sure thou be'est failing ```in eyesight; `'tis but a young elephant, my sweetest lord, not a biped." `down he crook'd his monstrous knees, and rested his hip```bones, `call'd for his hen, said "lay so she, with a chuck cock```a-doodle, `dropt him an egg, pure gold, a refulgent, luminous ```oval,-`that was her use:--when he push'd her aside, cried, ```"bring me the meat now," `gorged his enormous meal, fell prone, and lost recollection. `jack from a saucepan watch'd his broad chest's monstrous ```upheavals: `then to the chamber above both dame and tiger ascended. `"now for it, hist!" says jack--"coast clear, and none to ```behold me," `airily jack stole forth, and seized the plump, money```laying, `priceless, mystical hen; ran forth, sped away to the bean```stalk, `heard from afar, then near, heavy tramps, as a pavior ```hamm'ring, `sprang down pod by pod, with a bounding, grasshopper ```action, `left the colossus aghast at an edge of his own little ```island, `lighted on earth, whom she, that bare him, fondly ```saluting, `dropt a maternal tear, and dried that tear with her ```apron, `seeing him home and safe; and after it, all was a hey-day, `lots of loaves, and tons of cheeses, a barnful of onions; `cows and calves, and creams, and gold eggs piled to the ```ceilings: `horses, goats, and geese, and pigs, and pugs by the ```hundred. `ah! but he found in a while his life of laziness irk```some. `"climb me," the bean-stalk said with a whisper. jack, ```reascending, `swarm'd to the wonderful isle once more, and high ```habitation; `led by the fairy return'd to the fortress, pass'd to the ```kitchen, `unseen, hied him again to the saucepans' grimy recesses, `peep'd out into the room. the plump wife, peony```bulbous, `toasted a constrictor, which roll'd in vast revolutions. `then strode in, strong-booted again, with a roar, the ```colossus: `call'd for his harp, said "play." so this, with a sharp ```treble ting-tong, `play'd him an air, a delightful, long-drawn, national ```anthem, `play'd him an air, untouch'd, (the strings, by a fairy ```magician `wrought, were alive). then he shouted aloud, "wife, ```bring me the meat now," `gorged his elongate meal; the snake in warm revolutions, `making his huge bulk swell, disappear'd like man's ```macaroni: `after, he yawn'd and snored, fell prone, and lost recol```lection. `so jack seized the melodious harp, and bolted. a ```murmur `"master, master, a rascal, a rascal!" rang thro' the harp```strings. `quickly the monster awoke, and wielding a cudgel,-```an oak tree,-`chased little jack with a shout of mighty, maniacal ```anger; `jack to the beanpod sprang with a leap, and desperate ```hurl'd his `limbs in a downward, furious, headlong pre-cipitation, `but for a wink up-glanced; his foeman's ponderous ```hob-nails `shone from aloft: down crash'd big pods, and bean ```avalanches. `"haste mother, haste mother, oh! mother, haste, and ```bring me the hatchet!" `cried jack, alighting on earth. she brought him an ```axe double-handed. `jack cleft clean thro' the haulm; that giant desperate ```hurl'd his. `limbs in a downward, roaring, thund'ring pre-cipitation, `crash'd to the ground stone-dead with a crash as a crag ```from a mountain. `"i'm your master now," said jack to the harp at his ```elbow; `"there's your old 'un! of him pray give your candid ```opinion!" `sweetly the mystical harp responded, "master, a rascal!" [illustration: 0019] jack and the bean-stalk `jack was a poor widow's heir, but he lived as a drone in ```a beehive, `hardly a handstir a day did he work. to squander her ```earnings `seem'd to the poor widow hard, who raved and scolded ```him always. [illustration: 0023] `nought in her house was left; not a cheese, not a loaf, ```not an onion; `nought but a cow in her yard, and that must go to the ```market. `"sell me the cow," cried she; then he sold it, gad! for ```a handful---`only to think!------of beans. [illustration: 0025] [illustration: 0026] ````she shied them out thro' the window, `cursing him: hied to her bed, there slept, but awoke in ```amazement, `seeing a huge bean-stalk, many leaves, many pods, many ```flowers, `pod by pod jack arose, till he came to a pod that alarm'd ```him. `bridge-like this long pod stretch'd out, and touch'd on ```an island `veil'd in vapour. [illustration: 00237] ````a shape from the island waved him a signal, `waved with a shining hand, and jack with an humble ```obeisance `crawl'd to the shape, who remark'd, "i gave those beans ```to ye, darling. `i am a fairy, a friend to ye, jack; ````see yonder a giant `lives, who slew your own good father, see what a ```fortress! `enter it, have no fear, since i, your fairy, protect you." `jack march'd up to the gate, [illustration: 0029] ````in a moment pass'd to the kitchen `led by the savoury smell. this giant's wife with a ```ladle `basted a young elephant (jack's namesake shriek'd and ```turn'd it). `back jack shrank in alarm: with fat cheeks peony```bulbous, `ladle in hand, she stood, and spake in a tone of amuse```ment: `"oh! what a cramp'd-up, small, unsesquipedalian object!" [illustration: 0031] `then from afar came steps, heavy tramps, as a pavior ```hamm'ring; `out of her huge moon-cheeks the redundant peony faded, `jack's lank hair she grabb'd, and, looking sad resolution, `popt him aghast in among her saucepans' grimy ```recesses. `then strode in, with a loud heavy-booted thunder of ```heel-taps, `he with a tiger at heel--her giant, swarthy, colossal: [illustration: 0033] [illustration: 0034] [illustration: 0035] `"i smell flesh of a man; yea, wife, tho' he prove but a ```morsel, `man tastes good." ``she replied, "sure thou be'est failing in eyesight; `tis but a young elephant, my sweetest lord, not a biped." `down he crook'd his monstrous knees, and rested his hip```bones, [illustration: 0037] `call'd for his hen, said, "lay so she, with a chuck cock```a-doodle, `dropt him an egg, pure gold, a refulgent, luminous oval,-`that was her use:--when he push'd her aside, cried, ```"bring me the meat now," `gorged his enormous meal, fell prone, and lost recollection. [illustration: 0039] `jack from a saucepan watch'd his broad chest's monstrous ```upheavals: `then to the chamber above both dame and tiger ascended. `"now for it, hist!" says jack--"coast clear, and none to ```behold me," `airily jack stole forth, and seized the plump, money```laying, `priceless, mystical hen; [illustration: 0041] [illustration: 0042] ``ran forth, sped away from the bean-stalk, `heard from afar, then near, heavy tramps, as a pavior ```hamm'ring, [illustration: 0044] [illustration: 0045] ````with a bounding, grasshopper action, `left the colossus aghast at an edge of his own little island, [illustration: 0047] `lighted on earth, whom she, that bare him, fondly saluting, `dropt a maternal tear, and dried that tear with her ```apron, `seeing him home and safe; and after it, all was a hey-day, [illustration: 0049] [illustration: 0050] `lots of loaves, and tons of cheeses, a barnful of onions; `cows and calves, and creams, and gold eggs piled to the ```ceilings: `horses, [illustration: 0051] [illustration: 0052] [illustration: 0053] [illustration: 0054] [illustration: 0055] and pigs, "idle jack" `ah! but he found in a while his life of laziness irksome. `"climb me," the bean-stalk said with a whisper. jack, ```reascending, `swarm'd to the wonderful isle once more, and high ```habitation; `led by the fairy return'd to the fortress, pass'd to the ```kitchen, `unseen, hied him again to the saucepans' grimy recesses, ```peep'd out into -the room. the plump wife, peony`bulbous, `toasted a constrictor, which roll'd in vast revolutions. `then strode in, strong-booted again, with a roar, the ```colossus: `call'd for his harp, said "play." [illustration: 0057] ````so this, with a sharp treble ting-tong, `play'd him an air, a delightful, long-drawn, national ```anthem, `play'd him an air, untouch'd, (the strings, by a fairy ```magician `wrought, were alive). [illustration: 0059] [illustration: 0060] `then he shouted aloud, "wife, ``bring me the meat now," `gorged his elongate meal; the snake in warm revolutions, `making his huge bulk swell, disappear'd like man's ```macaroni: [illustration: 0061] `after, he yawn'd and snored, fell prone, and lost ```recollection. [illustration: 0062] [illustration: 0063] ```and bolted. a murmur `"master, master, a rascal, a rascal!" rang thro' the harp```strings. `quickly the monster awoke, and wielding a cudgel,-```an oak tree,-`chased little jack [illustration: 0065] `with a shout of mighty, maniacal anger; [illustration: 0067] `jack to the beanpod sprang with a leap, and desperate ````hurl'd his `limbs in a downward, furious, headlong pre-cipitation, `but for a wink up-glanced; his foeman's ponderous ```hob-nails `shone from aloft: [illustration: 0069] `````down crash'd big pods, and bean ```avalanches. `"haste mother, haste mother, oh! mother, haste, and ```bring me the hatchet!" `cried jack, alighting on earth. she brought him an ```axe double-handed. `jack cleft clean thro' the haulm; that giant desperate ```hurl'd his `limbs in a downward, roaring, thund'ring pre-cipitation, [illustration: 0071] `crash'd to the ground stone-dead, with a crash as a crag ```from a mountain. `"i'm your master now," said jack to the harp at his ```elbow; `"there's your old 'un! of him pray give your candid ```opinion!" `sweetly the mystical harp responded, "master, a rascal!" [illustration: 0073] [illustration: 0074] transcriber's note: in this e-text illustrations have been labelled according to their descriptions at the beginning of the book. [illustration: by stratagem of a pit jack killeth the giant cormoran _frontispiece_ the death of the giant cormoran] [illustration: jack listeneth to stories of giants and fairies _title page_] the story of jack and the giants. illustrated with _thirty-five drawings by_ richard doyle. _engraved by_ g. _and_ e. dalziel. [illustration] london: cundall & addey, 21 old bond street. 1851. london: printed by robson, levey, and franklyn, great new street, fetter lane. [illustration] the story of jack and the giants illustrated by richard doyle jack listeneth to stories of giants and fairies. _title page_ jack at rest. _initial_ the giant cometh cormoran carryeth off his booty panick of the shepherd. _initial_ by stratagem of a pit jack killeth the giant cormoran. _frontispiece_ the justices present unto jack a sword and belt a giant looketh out for jack. _initial_ the deceitful civility of the welsh giant he partaketh of his pudding with jack jack measureth with the legs of a giant. _initial_ jack alarmeth his three-headed uncle jack delivereth the lady from the enchanter jack is dubbed a knight by king arthur he is accourted by ladies. _initial_ he discovereth a giant above the trees jack slayeth the giant, and delivereth a knight and his lady jack setteth his foot on the giant's neck. _initial_ the giant's brother awaiteth his return the knight and his lady thank jack for their delivery jack releaseth the captive ladies a pale herald interrupteth the feast the stratagem of jack with the giant thundel jack maketh sport of him, and draggeth him out of the moat his head goeth to court the lady of the knight. _initial_ the giant galligantus jack passeth the fiery griffins destruction of galligantus jack goeth with company to court jack slaketh his thirst at the end of his labours the story of jack and the giants. [illustration: jack at rest. _initial_] during the reign of good king arthur there lived in the county of cornwall, near to the land's end of england, a wealthy farmer, who had an only son named jack. jack was a brisk boy, and of a ready wit: he took great delight in hearing stories of giants and fairies, and used to listen eagerly while any old woman told him of the great deeds of the brave knights of king arthur's round table. when jack was sent to take care of the sheep and oxen in the fields, he used to amuse himself with planning battles and sieges, and the means to conquer or surprise a foe. he was above the common sports of children; but hardly any one could equal him at wrestling; or if he met with a match for himself in strength, his skill and address always made him the victor. [illustration: the giant cometh] in those days the mount of cornwall was kept by a huge and monstrous giant, eighteen feet in height, and about three yards in compass, of a fierce and grim countenance, the terror of all the neighbouring towns and villages. he dwelt in a cave in the middle of the mount; and he was such a selfish monster that he would not suffer any one to live near him. he fed on other men's cattle, which often became his prey; for whensoever he wanted food, he would wade over to the mainland, where he would furnish himself with whatever came in his way. [illustration: cormoran carryeth off his booty] [illustration: panick of the shepherd. _initial_] panic seized the inhabitants at his approach, they forsook their habitations, and took flight, while the giant seized upon their cattle, making nothing of carrying half-a-dozen oxen on his back at a time; and as for their sheep and hogs, he would tie them by dozens round his waist. this course he had followed for many years, so that a great part of the county was impoverished by his depredations. jack resolved to kill this monster; and taking with him a horn, a shovel, and a pickaxe, he went over to the mount in the beginning of a dark winter's evening, when he fell to work, and before morning had dug a pit twenty-two feet deep, and nearly as broad, and had covered it over with long sticks and straw. then strewing a little mould upon it, he made it appear like plain ground. then jack placed the horn to his mouth, and blew with all his might such a loud tantivy, that the giant awoke and rushed towards jack, exclaiming: "you saucy villain, why are you come here to disturb my rest? you shall pay dearly for this. i will take you home, and broil you whole for my breakfast." he had no sooner uttered this cruel threat, than, tumbling into the pit, he made the very foundations of the mount to shake. "oh, oh, mr. giant," said jack, "where are you now? do you think now of broiling me for your breakfast? will nothing else serve you but poor jack?" thus did little jack torment the big giant, as a cat does a mouse when she knows it cannot escape; and when he had tired of that amusement, he gave the monster a heavy blow with a pickaxe on the very crown of his head, which tumbled him down, and killed him on the spot. when jack saw that the giant was dead, he filled up the pit with earth, and went to search the cave, which he found contained much treasure. jack then made haste back to rejoice his friends with the news of the giant's death. [illustration: the justices present unto jack a sword and belt] now, when the justices of cornwall heard of this valiant action, they sent for jack, and declared that he should always be called _jack the giant killer_; and they also gave him a magnificent sword and an embroidered belt, upon which was emblazoned, in letters of gold, "_this is the valiant cornish man who slew the giant cormoran_" the news of jack's victory soon spread over all the west of england; so that another giant, named blunderbore, hearing of it, vowed to be revenged on jack, if ever it was his fortune to light on him. this giant kept an enchanted castle, situated in the midst of a lonely wood. now jack, about four months after his last exploit, riding near this castle in his journey towards wales, being weary, lay down near a pleasant fountain in the wood, and quickly fell asleep. presently the giant, coming to the fountain for water, discovered him; and as the lines written on the belt shewed who he was, he immediately took jack on his shoulders, and carried him towards his castle. now, as they passed through a thicket, the rustling of the boughs awakened jack, who was terribly frightened to find himself in the clutches of blunderbore. yet this was nothing to his fright soon after; for when they reached the castle, he beheld the floor covered all over with skulls and bones of men and women. the giant took him into a large room, where lay the limbs of persons that had been lately killed; and he told jack, with a horrid grin, that men's hearts, eaten with pepper and vinegar, were his nicest food, and that he thought he should make a dainty meal on his. when he had said this, he locked jack up in the room, while he went to fetch another giant, who lived in the same wood, to enjoy a dinner off poor jack. while he was away. jack heard dreadful shrieks, and groans, and cries, from many parts of the castle; and soon after he heard a mournful voice repeat these lines: "_haste, valiant stranger, haste away, lest you become the giant's prey. on his return he'll bring another still more savage than his brother;- a horrid, cruel monster, who, before he kills, will torture you. oh, valiant stranger! haste away, or you'll become these giants' prey._" this warning was so shocking to poor jack, that he was ready to go mad. he ran to the window, and saw the two giants coming along arm in arm. this window was right over the gates of the castle. "now," thought jack, "either my death or freedom is at hand." now there were two strong cords in the room. jack made a large noose with a slip-knot at the ends of both these; and as the giants were coming through the iron gates, he threw the ropes over their heads. he then made the other ends fast to a beam in the ceiling, and pulled with all his might till he had almost strangled them. when he saw that they were both quite black in the face, and had not the least strength left, he drew his sword, and slid down the ropes; he then killed the giants, and thus saved himself from the cruel death they meant to put him to. jack next took a great bunch of keys from the pocket of blunderbore, and went into the castle again. he made a strict search through all the rooms; and in them found three ladies tied up by the hair of their heads, and almost starved to death. they told him that their husbands had been killed by the giants, who had then condemned them to be starved to death, because they would not eat the flesh of their own husbands. "charming ladies," said jack, "i have put an end to the monster and his wicked brother; and i give you this castle, and all riches that it contains, to make you some amends for the dreadful pains you have felt." he then very politely gave them the keys of the castle, and went further in his journey to wales. [illustration: a giant looketh out for jack. _initial_] caring very little for riches, jack had not taken any of the giant's wealth for himself, and having but little money of his own, he thought it best to travel as fast as he could. at length he lost his way; and when night came on, he was in a valley between two lofty mountains. he thought himself lucky at last in finding a large and handsome house. he went to it, and knocked at the gate; when, to his surprise, there came forth a giant with two heads. he spoke to jack very civilly, for he was a welsh giant, and all the mischief he did was done under a show of friendship. jack told him he was a benighted traveller, when the monster bade jack welcome, and led him into a room where he could pass the night. but though he was weary he could not sleep, for he heard the giant walking backward and forward in the next room, saying, "_though here you lodge with me this night, you shall not see the morning-light; my club shall dash your brains out quite_." "say you so?" quoth jack; "that is like one of your welsh tricks." then getting out of bed, jack groped about the room, and at last found a billet of wood; he laid it in his place in the bed, and hid himself in a corner of the room. in the middle of the night the giant came with his great club, and struck many heavy blows on the bed, in the very place where jack had laid the billet; and then went to his own room, thinking he had broken all jack's bones. [illustration: the deceitful civility of the welsh giant] early in the morning jack walked into the giant's room to thank him for his lodging. the giant started when he saw him, and began to stammer out,-"pray, how did you sleep last night? did you hear or see any thing in the dead of the night?" "nothing worth speaking of," said jack, carelessly; "a rat, i believe, gave me three or four flaps with its tail, but i soon went to sleep again." [illustration: he partaketh of his pudding with jack] the giant did not answer a word, but brought in two bowls of hasty-pudding for their breakfasts. jack wanted to make the giant believe that he could eat as much as himself, so he contrived to button a leathern bag inside his coat, and slipped the pudding into the bag instead of his mouth. when breakfast was over, he said to the giant, "i will shew you a fine trick: i could cut my head off one minute, and put it on sound the next. but see here!" he then took a knife, ripped up the bag, and all the pudding fell on the floor. "odds splutter hur nails," cried the giant, who was ashamed to be outdone by jack, "hur can do that hurself!" so he snatched up the knife, plunged it into his stomach, and in a moment dropped down dead. jack having thus outwitted the monster, went further on his journey. part the second. [illustration: jack measureth with the legs of a giant. _initial_] jack travelled on until he met with king arthur's only son, who was seeking all through wales for a very beautiful lady that was enchanted. jack asked leave to be the prince's attendant, and the prince granted his request. after a long day's journey, when night drew on, the prince was anxious to secure a lodging, but they had no means to hire one, for both the prince and jack had spent all their money; but jack said,-"never mind, master, we shall do well enough, for i have an uncle who lives within two miles of this place; he is a huge and monstrous giant, with three heads; he'll fight five hundred men in armour, and make them flee before him." [illustration: jack alarmeth his three-headed uncle] "alas!" quoth the prince, "what shall we do there? he'll certainly chop us up at a mouthful. nay, we are scarce enough to fill his hollow tooth." "it is no matter for that," quoth jack; "i myself will go before, and prepare the way for you; therefore tarry and wait till i return." jack then rode off full speed, and coming to the gate of the castle, he knocked so loud that the echo from the neighbouring hills resounded like thunder. the giant, terribly vexed, roared out, "who's there?" "none but your poor cousin jack," answered he. "what news with my poor cousin jack?" he replied, "dear uncle, heavy news." "god wot," quoth the giant, "prithee what heavy news can come to me? i am a giant with three heads; and besides, though knowest i can fight five hundred men in armour, and make them fly like chaff before the wind." "oh, but," quoth jack, "here's the prince a-coming, with a thousand men in armour, to kill you, and destroy all that you have!" "oh, cousin jack," said the giant, "this is heavy news indeed! i will immediately run and hide myself, and thou shalt lock, bolt, and bar me in, and keep the keys till the prince is gone." jack joyfully complied with the giant's request; and fetching his master, they feasted and made themselves merry, whilst the poor giant lay trembling in a vault underground. in the morning, jack furnished the prince with a fresh supply of gold and silver, and then sent him three miles forward on his journey, as he would then be pretty well out of the smell of the giant. jack then returned, and liberated the giant from the vault, who asked what he should give him for saving the castle. "why," quoth jack, "i desire nothing but the old coat and cap, together with the old rusty sword and slippers which are at your bed's head." quoth the giant, "thou shaft have them; and pray keep them for my sake, for they are things of excellent use: the coat will keep you invisible, the cap will furnish you with knowledge, the sword cuts asunder whatever you strike, and the shoes are of extraordinary swiftness. these may be serviceable to you: therefore take them, with all my heart." they soon arrived at the dwelling of the beautiful lady, who was under the power of a wicked magician. she received the prince with fair words, and made a noble feast for him; when it was ended, she arose, and wiping her mouth with a fine handkerchief, said, "my lord, you must shew me this handkerchief to-morrow, or lose your head." she then went out of the room, taking the handkerchief with her. the prince went to bed right sorrowful; but jack put on his cap of knowledge, which told him that the lady was forced, by the power of the enchantment, to meet the wicked magician every night in a forest. jack now put on his coat of darkness and his shoes of swiftness, and went to the forest, where he saw the lady give the handkerchief to the magician, whereupon jack; who was surrounded by a host of evil spirits, with his sword of sharpness, at one blow cut off his head, and regained the handkerchief for the prince; the enchantment was ended in a moment and the lady restored to her virtue and goodness. [illustration: jack delivereth the lady from the enchanter] she returned with the prince to the court of king arthur, where they were received with welcome; and the valiant jack was made one of the knights of the round table. [illustration: jack is dubbed a knight by king arthur] part the third. [illustration: he is accourted by ladies. _initial_] jack resolved not to live in idleness for the future, but to do what services he could for the honour of the king and the nation. he therefore humbly besought king arthur to furnish him with a horse and money, that he might travel in search of new and strange exploits. "for," said he to the king, "there are many giants yet among the mountains of wales, and they oppress the people: therefore, if it please you, sire, to favour my designs, i will soon rid your kingdom of these giants and monsters." when the king heard this offer, and thought of the cruel deeds of these bloodthirsty giants and savage monsters, he gave jack every thing proper for such a journey. [illustration: he discovereth a giant above the trees] thereupon jack took leave of the king, the prince, and all the knights of the round table, and set off. he went along over hills and mountains, until he came to a large forest, through which his road lay. on a sudden he heard piercing shrieks. he forced his way through the trees, and saw a huge giant, thirty-five feet high, dragging along by the hair of their heads a knight and his beautiful lady, one in each hand, with as much ease as if they had been a pair of gloves. jack shed tears at such a sight, and alighting from his horse, and tying him to an oak, put on his invisible coat, under which he carried his sword of sharpness. [illustration: jack slayeth the giant, and delivereth a knight and his lady] when he came up to the giant, he made many strokes at him, but could not reach his body, on account of his great height. still, he wounded his ankles in many places: at last, putting both hands to his sword, and aiming with all his might, he cut off both the giant's legs below the garter; so that his body tumbled to the ground. [illustration: jack setteth his foot on the giant's neck. _initial_] jack then set one foot upon his neck, and cried out, "thou cruel wretch! behold i give thee the just reward of thy crimes." and so plunging his sword into the giant's body, the monster gave a loud groan and yielded up his life; while the noble knight and his lady were joyful at their deliverance. they heartily thanked jack for what he had done, and invited him to their house to refresh himself. "no," said jack, "i cannot be at ease till i find out this monster's dwelling." the knight, hearing this, grew sad, and replied, "noble stranger, it is too much to run a second hazard. this monster lived in a den under yonder mountain, with a brother of his, more fierce and cruel than himself: therefore, if you should go thither and perish in the attempt to overthrow this wicked brother, it would be heart-breaking to me and my lady; so let me persuade you to go with us, and desist from any farther pursuit." "nay," said jack, "even if there were twenty, i would shed the last drop of my blood before one of them should escape me. when i have done this task, i will return and visit you." jack had not rode a mile and a half before he came in sight of the mouth of the cavern; and nigh the entrance of it he beheld the other giant sitting on a huge rock, with a knotted iron club in his hand, waiting for his brother. his eyes flashed like flames of fire, his face was grim, and his cheeks seemed like two flitches of bacon; the bristles of his beard were as thick rods of iron wire; and his locks of hair hung down like curling snakes. jack alighted from his horse, and turned him into a thicket; then he put on his invisible coat, and drew a little nearer, to behold this figure; and said softly, "o monster, are you there! it will not be long before i shall take you fast by the beard." [illustration: the giant's brother awaiteth his return] the giant, all this while, could not see him, by reason of his invisible coat: then jack came quite close to him, and struck a blow at his head with his sword of sharpness; but, missing his aim, only cut off his nose, whilst the giant roared like loud claps of thunder. and though he rolled his glaring eyes round on every side, he could not see who had given him the blow; yet he took up his iron club, and began to lay about him like one that was mad. "nay," said jack, "if this is the case, i will kill you at once." so he slipped nimbly behind him, and jumping upon the rocky seat as the giant rose from it, he thrust his sword up to the hilt in his body. after a hideous howling, the giant dropped down dead. when jack had thus killed these two monsters, he searched their cave for treasure. he passed through many dark windings, which led him to a room paved with freestone; at the end of it was a boiling cauldron, and on the right hand stood a large table, where the giants used to dine. he then came to a window secured with iron bars, through which he saw a number of wretched captives, who cried out, when they saw jack, "alas! alas! young man, are you come to be one among us in this horrid den?" [illustration: the knight and his lady thank jack for their delivery] "i hope," said jack, "you will not tarry here long but pray tell me, what is the meaning of your captivity?" [illustration: jack releaseth the captive ladies] "alas!" said one, "we have been taken by the giants that hold this cave, and are kept till they have a feast; then the fattest of us is killed and cooked. it is not long since they took three for this purpose." "say you so?" said jack; "i have given them such a dinner that it will be long enough before they want more." the captives were amazed at his words. "you may believe me," said jack; "for i have slain both the monsters, and sent their heads in a wagon to king arthur, as trophies of my victory." to shew them that what he said was true, he unlocked the gate, and set them all free. then he led them to the great room, where they feasted plentifully. supper being over, they searched the giant's coffers, and jack shared the store among the captives. jack started at sunrise to the house of the knight, whom he had left not long before. [illustration: _initial_] presently jack reached the knight's castle, where he was received with the greatest joy. in honour of the hero's exploits, a grand feast was given, which lasted many days. the knight also presented jack with a beautiful ring, on which was engraved the giant dragging the knight and the lady by the hair, with this motto: "_we were in sad distress, you see, under the giant's fierce command, but gained our lives and liberty by valiant jack's victorious hand._" among the guests present at the feast were fire aged gentlemen, who were fathers to some of those captives who had been freed by jack from the dungeon. these old men pressed round him with tears of joy, and returned him thanks. one day the bowl went round merrily, and every one drank to the health and long life of the gallant hero. the hall resounded with peals of laughter and joyful cries. [illustration: a pale herald interrupteth the feast] but, lo! to the midst, a herald, pale and breathless with haste and terror, rushed in, and told the company, that thundel, a giant with an immense head, having heard of the death of his two kinsmen, was come to take revenge on jack, and that he was now near the house, and the country-people all flying before him. at this dismal news, the very boldest of the guests trembled; but jack drew his sword, and said, "let him come; i have a tool to pick his teeth with. pray, ladies and gentlemen, walk into the garden, and you shall joyfully behold the giant's defeat and death." the knight's castle was surrounded by a moat, thirty feet deep and twenty wide, over which lay a drawbridge. jack set men to work, to cut the bridge on both sides, near the middle; and then dressing himself in his invisible coat, went against the giant with his sword of sharpness. as he came close to him, though the giant could not see him, yet he cried out,- "_fie! foh! fum! i smell the blood of an englishman; be he alive or be he dead, i'll grind his bones to make my bread._" "say you so, my friend?" said jack; "you are a clever miller indeed!" "art thou," cried the giant, "the villain who killed my kinsmen? then i will tear thee with my teeth, and grind thy bones to powder." "you must catch me first," said jack; and throwing off his invisible coat, he put on his shoes of swiftness, and began to run; the giant following him like a walking castle, making the earth shake at every step. [illustration: the stratagem of jack with the giant thundel] jack led him round and round the walls of the castle, that the company might see the monster; and to finish the work. jack ran over the drawbridge, the giant going after him with his club: but when the giant came to the middle, where the bridge had been cut on both sides, the great weight of his body made it break, and he tumbled into the water, where he rolled about like a large whale. jack now stood by the side of the moat, and laughed and jeered at him, saying, "i think you told me you would grind my bones to powder; when will you begin?" [illustration: jack maketh sport of him, and draggeth him out of the moat] [illustration: jack maketh sport of him, and draggeth him out of the moat] the giant foamed horridly at the mouth with fury, and plunged from side to side of the moat; but he could not get out to have revenge on his little foe. at last jack ordered a cart-rope to be brought to him; he then drew it over his great head, and by the help of a team of horses, dragged him to the edge of the moat, where he cut off the monster's head; and before he either ate or drank, he sent it to the court of king arthur. he then went back to the table with the company, and the rest of the day was spent in mirth and good cheer. [illustration: his head goeth to court] part the fourth. [illustration: the lady of the knight. _initial_] courted and flattered as he was, yet after staying with the knight and his lady for some time, jack grew weary of such an idle life, and set out again in search of new adventures. he went over hills and dales without meeting any, till he came to the foot of a very high mountain. here he knocked at the door of a small and lonely house, and an old man, with a head as white as snow, let him in. "good father," said jack, "can you lodge a traveller who has lost his way?" "yes," said the hermit, "i can, if you will accept such fare as my poor house affords." jack entered, and the old man set before him some bread and fruit for his supper. when jack had eaten as much as he chose, the hermit said,-"my son, i know you are the famous conqueror of giants; now, at the top of this mountain is an enchanted castle, kept by a giant named galligantus, who, by the help of a vile magician, gets many knights and ladies into his castle, where he changes them into the shape of beasts. above all, i lament the hard fate of a duke's daughter, whom they seized as she was walking in her father's garden, and brought hither through the air in a chariot drawn by two fiery dragons, and turned her into the shape of a deer. many knights have tried to destroy the enchantment, and deliver her; yet none have been able to do it, by reason of two fiery griffins, who guard the gate of the castle, and destroy all who come nigh: but as you, my son, have an invisible coat, you may pass by them without being seen; and on the gates of the castle you will find engraved by what means the enchantment may be broken." [illustration: the giant galligantus] jack promised that, in the morning, at the risk of his life, he would break the enchantment; and, after a sound sleep, he arose early, put on his invisible coat, and got ready for the attempt. when he had climbed to the top of the mountain, he saw the two fiery griffins; but he passed between them without the least fear of danger, for they could not see him because of his invisible coat. on the castle-gate hung a golden trumpet, under which were these lines:- "_whoever doth this trumpet blow, shall cause the giant's overthrow!_" [illustration: jack passeth the fiery griffins] [illustration: destruction of galligantus] as soon as jack had read this, he seized the trumpet, and blew a shrill blast, which made the gates fly open, and the very castle itself tremble. the giant and the conjuror now knew that their wicked course was at an end, and they stood biting their thumbs, and shaking with fear. jack, with his sword of sharpness, soon killed the giant; and the magician was then carried away by a whirlwind; and every knight and beautiful lady, who had been changed into birds and beasts, returned to their proper shapes. the castle vanished away like smoke, and the head of the giant galligantus was sent to king arthur. the knights and ladies rested that night at he old man's hermitage, and next day set out for the court. [illustration: jack goeth with company to court] jack then went up to the king, and gave his majesty an account of all his fierce battles. jack's fame had spread through the whole country; and, at the king's desire, the duke gave him his daughter in marriage, to the joy of all the kingdom. after this, the king gave jack a large estate, on which he and his lady lived the rest of their days in joy and content. [illustration: jack slaketh his thirst at the end of his labours] robson, levey, and franklyn, great new street, fetter lane. images generously made available by the digital & multimedia center, michigan state university libraries. the last of the huggermuggers, a giant story. by christopher pearse cranch contents. chap. i.--how little jacket would go to sea. chap. ii.--his good and his bad luck at sea. chap. iii.--how he fared on shore. chap. iv.--how huggermugger came along. chap. v.--what happened to little jacket in the giant's boot. chap. vi.--how little jacket escaped from kobboltozo's shop. chap. vii.--how he made use of huggermugger in travelling. chap. viii.--how little jacket and his friends left the giant's island. chap. ix.--mr. nabbum. chap. x.--zebedee and jacky put their heads together. chap. xi.--they sail for huggermugger's island. chap. xii.--the huggermuggers in a new light. chap. xiii.--huggermugger hall. chap. xiv.--kobbletozo astonishes mr. scrawler. chap. xv.--mrs. huggermugger grows thin and fades away. chap. xvi.--the sorrows of huggermugger. chap. xvii.--huggermugger leaves his island. chap. xviii.--the last of the huggermuggers. the last of the huggermuggers. chapter one. how little jacket would go to sea. i dare say there are not many of my young readers who have heard about jacky cable, the sailor-boy, and of his wonderful adventures on huggermugger's island. jacky was a smart yankee lad, and was always remarkable for his dislike of staying at home, and a love of lounging upon the wharves, where the sailors used to tell him stories about sea-life. jacky was always a little fellow. the country people, who did not much like the sea, or encourage jacky's fondness for it, used to say, that he took so much salt air and tar smoke into his lungs that it stopped his growth. the boys used to call him little jacket. jacky, however, though small in size, was big in wit, being an uncommonly smart lad, though he did play truant sometimes, and seldom knew well his school-lessons. but some boys learn faster out of school than in school, and this was the case with little jacket. before he was ten years old, he knew every rope in a ship, and could manage a sail-boat or a row-boat with equal ease. in fine, salt water seemed to be his element; and he was never so happy or so wide awake as when he was lounging with the sailors in the docks. the neighbors thought he was a sort of good-for-nothing, idle boy, and his parents often grieved that he was not fonder of home and of school. but little jacket was not a bad boy, and was really learning a good deal in his way, though he did not learn it all out of books. well, it went on so, and little jacket grew fonder and fonder of the sea, and pined more and more to enlist as a sailor, and go off to the strange countries in one of the splendid big ships. he did not say much about it to his parents, but they saw what his longing was, and after thinking and talking the matter over together, they concluded that it was about as well to let the boy have his way. so when little jacket was about fifteen years old, one bright summer's day, he kissed his father and mother, and brothers and sisters, and went off as a sailor in a ship bound to the east indies. chapter two. his good and his bad luck at sea. it was a long voyage, and there was plenty of hard work for little jacket, but he found several good fellows among the sailors, and was so quick, so bright, so ready to turn his hand to every thing, and withal of so kind and social a disposition, that he soon became a favorite with the captain and mates, as with all the sailors. they had fine weather, only too fine, the captain said, for it was summer time, and the sea was often as smooth as glass. there were lazy times then for the sailors, when there was little work to do, and many a story was told among them as they lay in the warm moonlight nights on the forecastle. but now and then there came a blow of wind, and all hands had to be stirring--running up the shrouds, taking in sails, pulling at ropes, plying the pump; and there was many a hearty laugh among them at the ducking some poor fellow would get, as now and then a wave broke over the deck. things went on, however, pretty smoothly with little jacket, on the whole, for some time. they doubled the cape of good hope, and were making their way as fast as they could to the coast of java, when the sky suddenly darkened, and there came on a terrible storm. they took in all the sails they could, after having several carried away by the wind. the vessel scudded, at last, almost under bare poles. the storm was so violent as to render her almost unmanageable, and they were carried a long way out of their course. everybody had tremendous work to perform, and little jacket began to wish he were safe on dry land again. day after day the poor vessel drifted and rolled. the sky was so dark, that the captain could not take an observation to tell in what part of the ocean they were. at last, they saw that they were driving towards some enormous cliffs that loomed up in the darkness. every one lost hope of the ship being saved. still they neared the cliffs, and now they saw the white breakers ahead, close under them. the captain got the boats out, to be in readiness for the worst. but the sea was too rough to use them. at last, with a mighty crash, the great ship struck upon the black rocks. all was confusion and wild rushing of the salt waves over them, and poor jacky found himself in the foaming surge. struggling to reach the shore, a great wave did what he could not have done himself. he was thrown dripping wet, and bruised, upon the rocks. when he came to himself, he discovered that several of his companions had also reached the shore, but nothing more was seen of the ship. she had gone down in the fearful tempest, and carried i know not how many poor fellows down with her. chapter three. how he fared on shore. all this was bad enough, as little jacket thought. but he was very thankful that he was alive and on shore, and able to use his limbs, and that he found some companions still left. he was not long either in using his wits, and in making the best use of the chances still left him. he found himself upon a rocky promontory. but on climbing a little higher up, he could see that there was beyond it, and joining on to it, a beautiful smooth beach. the rocks were enormous, and he and his comrades had hard work to clamber over them. it took them a good while to do so, exhausted as they were by fatigue, and dripping with wet. at length they reached the beach, the sands of which were of very large grain, and so loose that they had to wade nearly knee deep through them. the country back of the shore seemed very rocky and rough, and here and there were trees of an enormous magnitude. every thing seemed on a gigantic scale, even to the weeds and grasses that grew on the edge of the beach, where it sloped up to join the main land. and they could see, by mounting on a stone, the same great gloomy cliffs which they saw before the ship struck, but some miles inland. but what most attracted their attention, was the enormous and beautiful great sea-shells, which lay far up on the shore. they were not only of the most lovely colors, but quite various in form, and so large that a man might creep into them. little jacket was not long in discovering the advantage of this fact, for they might be obliged, when night came on, to retire into these shells, as they saw no house anywhere within sight. now, little jacket had read robinson crusoe, and gulliver's travels, and had half believed the wonderful stories of brobdignag; but he never thought that he should ever be actually wrecked on a giant's island. there now seemed to be a probability that it might be so, after all. what meant these enormous weeds, and trees, and rocks, and grains of sand, and these huge shells? what meant these great cliffs in the distance? he began to feel a little afraid. but he thought about gulliver, and how well he fared after all, and, on the whole, looked forward rather with pleasure at the prospect of some strange adventure. now and then he thought he could make out something like huge footprints on the shore--but this might be fancy. at any rate, they would hide themselves if they saw the giant coming. and if they could only find some food to live upon, they might get on tolerably well for a time. and perhaps this was only a fancy about giants, and they might yet find civilized beings like themselves living here. now little jacket began to be very hungry, and so did his companions--there were six of them--and they all determined to look about as far inland as they dared to go, for some kind of fruit or vegetable which might satisfy their appetites. they were not long in discovering a kind of beach-plum, about as big as watermelons, which grew on a bush so tall, that they had to reach the fruit at arm's length, and on tiptoe. the stalks were covered with very sharp thorns, about a foot long. some of these thorns they cut off, (they had their knives in their pockets still,) for little jacket thought they might be of service to them in defending themselves against any wild animal which might prowl around at night. it chanced that little jacket found good use for his in the end, as we shall see. when they had gathered enough of these great plums, they sat down and dined upon them. they found them a rather coarse, but not unpalatable fruit. as they were still very wet, they took off their clothes, and dried them in the sun: for the storm had ceased, and the sun now came out very warm. the great waves, however, still dashed up on the beach. when their clothes were dry, they put them on, and feeling a good deal refreshed, spent the rest of the day in looking about to see what was to be done for the future. as night came on, they felt a good deal dispirited; but little jacket encouraged his companions, by telling stories of sailors who had been saved, or had been taken under the protection of the kings of the country, and had married the king's daughters, and all that. so they found a group of the great shells near each other, seven of them, lying high and dry out of the reach of the dashing waves, and, after bidding each other good night, they crept in. little jacket found his dry and clean, and having curled himself up, in spite of his anxiety about the future, was soon fast asleep. chapter four. how huggermugger came along. now it happened that little jacket was not altogether wrong in his fancies about giants, for there _was_ a giant living in this island where the poor sailors were wrecked. his name was huggermugger, and he and his giantess wife lived at the foot of the great cliffs they had seen in the distance. huggermugger was something of a farmer, something of a hunter, and something of a fisherman. now, it being a warm, clear, moonlight night, and huggermugger being disposed to roam about, thought he would take a walk down to the beach to see if the late storm had washed up any clams [footnote: the "clam" is an american bivalve shell-fish, so called from hiding itself in the sand. a "clam chowder" is a very savory kind of thick soup, of which the clam is a chief ingredient. i put in this note for the benefit of little english boys and girls, if it should chance that this story should find its way to their country.] or oysters, or other shell-fish, of which he was very fond. having gathered a good basket full, he was about returning, when his eye fell upon the group of great shells in which little jacket and his friends were reposing, all sound asleep. [illustration: the giant picks up little jacket's bedroom.] "now," thought huggermugger, "my wife has often asked me to fetch home one of these big shells. she thinks it would look pretty on her mantel-piece, with sunflowers sticking in it. now i may as well gratify her, though i can't exactly see the use of a shell without a fish in it. mrs. huggermugger must see something in these shells that i don't." so he didn't stop to choose, but picked up the first one that came to his hand, and put it in his basket. it was the very one in which little jacket was asleep. the little sailor slept too soundly to know that he was travelling, free of expense, across the country at a railroad speed, in a carriage made of a giant's fish-basket. huggermugger reached his house, mounted his huge stairs, set down his basket, and placed the big shell on the mantel-piece. "wife," says he, "here's one of those good-for-nothing big shells you have often asked me to bring home." "oh, what a beauty," says she, as she stuck a sunflower in it, and stood gazing at it in mute admiration. but, huggermugger being hungry, would not allow her to stand idle. [illustration: mrs. huggermugger admires the shell and sunflower.] "come," says he, "let's have some of these beautiful clams cooked for supper--they are worth all your fine shells with nothing in them." so they sat down, and cooked and ate their supper, and then went to bed. little jacket, all this time, heard nothing of their great rumbling voices, being in as sound a sleep as he ever enjoyed in his life. he awoke early in the morning, and crept out of a shell--but he could hardly believe his eyes, and thought himself still dreaming, when he found himself and his shell on a very high, broad shelf, in a room bigger than any church he ever saw. he fairly shook and trembled in his shoes, when the truth came upon him that he had been trapped by a giant, and was here a prisoner in his castle. he had time enough, however, to become cool and collected, for there was not a sound to be heard, except now and then something resembling a thunder-like snoring, as from some distant room. "aha," thought little jacket to himself, "it is yet very early, and the giant is asleep, and there may be time yet to get myself out of his clutches." he was a brave little fellow, as well as a true yankee in his smartness and ingenuity. so he took a careful observation of the room, and its contents. the first thing to be done was to let himself down from the mantel-piece. this was not an easy matter as it was very high. if he jumped, he would certainly break his legs. he was not long in discovering one of huggermugger's fishing-lines tied up and lying not far from him. this he unrolled, and having fastened one end of it to a nail which he managed just to reach, he let the other end drop (it was as large as a small rope) and easily let himself down to the floor. he then made for the door, but that was fastened. jacky, however, was determined to see what could be done, so he pulled out his jackknife, and commenced cutting into the corner of the door at the bottom, where it was a good deal worn, as if it had been gnawed by the rats. he thought that by cutting a little now and then, and hiding himself when the giant should make his appearance, in time he might make an opening large enough for him to squeeze himself through. now huggermugger was by this time awake, and heard the noise which jacky made with his knife. "wife," says he, waking her up--she was dreaming about her beautiful shell--"wife, there are those eternal rats again, gnawing, gnawing at that door; we must set the trap for them to-night." little jacket heard the giant's great voice, and was very much astonished that he spoke english. he thought that giants spoke nothing but "chow-chow-whangalorum-hallaballoo with a-ruffle-bull-bagger!" this made him hope that huggermugger would not eat him. so he grew very hopeful, and determined to persevere. he kept at his work, but as softly as he could. but huggermugger heard the noise again, or fancied he heard it, and this time came to see if he could not kill the rat that gnawed so steadily and so fearlessly. little jacket heard him coming, and rushed to hide himself. the nearest place of retreat was one of the giant's great boots, which lay on the floor, opening like a cave before him. into this he rushed. he had hardly got into it before huggermugger entered. chapter five. what happened to little jacket in the giant's boot. huggermugger made a great noise in entering, and ran up immediately to the door at which little jacket had been cutting, and threshed about him with a great stick, right and left. he then went about the room, grumbling and swearing, and poking into all the corners and holes in search of the rat; for he saw that the hole under the door had been enlarged, and he was sure that the rats had done it. so he went peeping and poking about, making little jacket not a little troubled, for he expected every moment that he would pick up the boot in which he was concealed, and shake him out of his hiding-place. singularly enough, however, the giant never thought of looking into his own boots, and very soon he went back to his chamber to dress himself. little jacket now ventured to peep out of the boot, and stood considering what was next to be done. he hardly dared to go again to the door, for huggermugger was now dressed, and his wife too, for he heard their voices in the next room, where they seemed to be preparing their breakfast. little jacket now was puzzling his wits to think what he should do, if the giant should take a fancy to put his boots on before he could discover another hiding-place. he noticed, however, that there were other boots and shoes near by, and so there was a chance that huggermugger might choose to put on some other pair. if this should be the case, he might lie concealed where he was during the day, and at night work away again at the hole in the door, which he hoped to enlarge enough soon, to enable him to escape. he had not much time, however, for thought; for the giant and his wife soon came in. by peeping out a little, he could just see their great feet shuffling over the wide floor. "and now, wife." says huggermugger, "bring me my boots." he was a lazy giant, and his wife spoiled him, by waiting on him too much. "which boots, my dear," says she. "why, the long ones," says he; "i am going a hunting to-day, and shall have to cross the marshes." little jacket hoped the long boots were not those in one of which he was concealed, but unfortunately they were the very ones. so he felt a great hand clutch up the boots, and him with them, and put them down in another place. huggermugger then took up one of the boots and drew it on, with a great grunt. he now proceeded to take up the other. little jacket's first impulse was to run out and throw himself on the giant's mercy, but he feared lest he should be taken for a rat. besides he now thought of a way to defend himself, at least for a while. so he drew from his belt one of the long thorns he had cut from the bush by the seaside, and held it ready to thrust it into his adversary's foot, if he could. but he forgot that though it was as a sword in _his_ hand, it was but a thorn to a giant. huggermugger had drawn the boot nearly on, and little jacket's daylight was all gone, and the giant's great toes were pressing down on him, when he gave them as fierce a thrust as he could with his thorn. "ugh!" roared out the giant, in a voice like fifty mad bulls; "wife, wife, i say!" "what's the matter, dear?" says wife. "here's one of your confounded needles in my boot. i wish to gracious you'd be more careful how you leave them about!" "a needle in your boot?" said the giantess, "how can that be? i haven't been near your boots with my needles." "well, you feel there yourself, careless woman, and you'll see." whereupon the giantess took the boot, and put her great hand down into the toe of it, when little jacket gave another thrust with his weapon. "o-o-o-o!!" screams the wife. "there's something here, for it ran into my finger; we must try to get it out. she then put her hand in again, but very cautiously, and little jacket gave it another stab, which made her cry out more loudly than before. then huggermugger put his hand in, and again he roared out as he felt the sharp prick of the thorn. "it's no use," says he, flinging down the boot in a passion, almost breaking little jacket's bones, as it fell. "wife, take that boot to the cobbler, and tell him to take that sharp thing out, whatever it is, and send it back to me in an hour, for i must go a hunting today." so off the obedient wife trotted to the shoemaker's, with the boot under her arm. little jacket was curious to see whether the shoemaker was a giant too. so when the boot was left in his workshop, he contrived to peep out a little, and saw, instead of another huggermugger, only a crooked little dwarf, not more than two or three times bigger than himself. he went by the name of kobboltozo. "tell your husband," says he, "that i will look into his boot presently--i am busy just at this moment--and will bring it myself to his house." little jacket was quite relieved to feel that he was safe out of the giant's house, and that the giantess had gone. "now," thought he, "i think i know what to do." after a while, kobboltozo took up the bout and put his hand down into it slowly and cautiously. but little jacket resolved to keep quiet this time. the dwarf were felt around so carefully, for fear of having his finger pricked, and his hand was so small in comparison with that of the giant's, that little jacket had time to dodge around his fingers and down into the toe of the boot, so that kobboltozo could feel nothing there. he concluded, therefore, that whatever it was that hurt the giant and his wife, whether needle, or pin, or tack, or thorn, it must have dropped out on the way to his shop. so he laid the boot down, and went for his coat and hat. little jacket knew that now was his only chance of escape--he dreaded being carried back to huggermugger--so he resolved to make a bold move. no sooner was the dwarf's back turned, as he went to reach down his coat, than little jacket rushed out of the boot, made a spring from the table on which it lay, reached the floor, and made his way as fast as he could to a great pile of old boots and shoes that lay in a corner of the room, where he was soon hidden safe from any present chance of detection. [illustration: the shoemaker at work.] chapter six. how little jacket escaped from kobbletozo's shop. great was huggermugger's astonishment, and his wife's, when they found that the shoemaker told them the truth, and that there was nothing in the boot which could in any way interfere with the entrance of mr. huggermugger's toes. for a whole month and a day, it puzzled him to know what it could have been that pricked him so sharply. leaving the giant and his wife to their wonderment, let us return to little jacket. as soon as he found the dwarf was gone, and that all was quiet, he came out from under the pile of old shoes, and looked around to see how he should get out. the door was shut, and locked on the outside, for kobboltozo had no wife to look after the shop while he was out. the window was shut too, the only window in the shop. this window, however, not being fastened on the outside, the little sailor thought he might be able to open it by perseverance. it was very high, so he pushed along a chair towards a table, on which he succeeded in mounting, and from the table, with a stick which he found in the room, he could turn the bolt which fastened the window inside. this, to his great joy, he succeeded in doing, and in pulling open the casement. he could now, with ease, step upon the window sill. the thing was now to let himself down on the other side. by good luck, he discovered a large piece of leather on the table. this he took the and cut into strips, and tying them together, fastened one end to a nail inside, and boldly swung himself down in sailor fashion, as he had done at the giant's, and reached the ground. then looking around, and seeing nobody near, he ran off as fast as his legs could carry him. but alas! he knew not where he was. if he could but find a road which would lead him back to the seaside where his companions were, how happy would he had been! he saw nothing around him but huge rocks and trees, with here and there an enormous fence or stone wall. under these fences, and through the openings in the stone walls he crept, but could find no road. he wandered on for some time, clambering over great rocks and wading through long grasses, and began to be very tired and very hungry; for he had not eaten any thing since the evening before, when he feasted on the huge beach plums. he soon found himself in a sort of blackberry pasture, where the berries were as big as apples; and having eaten some of these, he sat down to consider what was to be done. he felt that he was all alone in a great wilderness, and out of which he feared he never could free himself. poor jacky felt lonely and sad enough, and almost wished he had discovered himself to the dwarf, for whatever could have happened to him, it could not have been worse than to be left to perish in a wilderness alone. chapter seven. how he made use of huggermugger in travelling. while little jacket sat pondering over his situation, he heard voices not far off, as of two persons talking. but they were great voices, as of trumpets and drums. he looked over the top of the rock against which he was seated, and saw for the first time the entire forms of huggermugger and his wife, looming up like two great light-houses. he knew it must be they, for he recognized their voices. they were standing on the other side of a huge stone wall. it was the giant's garden. [illustration: a peep at the huggermuggers.] "wife," said huggermugger, "i think now i've got my long boots on again, and my toe feels so much better, i shall go through the marsh yonder and kill a few frogs for your dinner; after that, perhaps i may go down again to the seashore, and get some more of those delicious clams i found last night." "well husband," says the wife, "you may go if you choose for your clams, but be sure you get me some frogs, for you know how fond i am of them." so huggermugger took his basket and his big stick, and strode off to the marsh. "now," thought the little sailor, "is my time. i must watch which way he goes and if i can manage not to be seen, and can only keep up with him--for he goes at a tremendous pace--we shall see!" so the giant went to the marsh, in the middle of which was a pond, while little jacket followed him as near as he dared to go. pretty soon, he saw the huge fellow laying about him with his stick, and making a great splashing in the water. it was evident he was killing mrs. huggermugger's frogs, a few of which he put in his basket, and then strode away in another direction. little jacket now made the best use of his little legs that he ever made in his life. if he could only keep the giant in sight! he was much encouraged by perceiving that huggermugger, who, as i said before, was a lazy giant, walked at a leisurely pace, and occasionally stopped to pick the berries that grew everywhere in the fields. little jacket could see his large figure towering up some miles ahead. another fortunate circumstance, too, was, that the giant was smoking his pipe as he went, and even when little jacket almost lost sight of him, he could guess where he was from the clouds of smoke floating in the air, like the vapor from a high-pressure mississippi steamboat. so the little sailor toiled along, scrambling over rocks, and through high weeds and grasses and bushes, till they came to a road. then jacky's spirits began to rise, and he kept along as cautiously, yet as fast as he could, stopping only when the giant stopped. at last, after miles and miles of walking, he caught a glimpse of the sea through the huge trees that skirted the road. how his heart bounded! "i shall at least see my messmates again," he said, "and if we are destined to remain long in this island, we will at least help each other, and bear our hard lot together." it was not long before he saw the beach, and the huge huggermugger groping in the wet sand for his shell-fish. "if i can but reach my companions without being seen, tell them my strange adventures, and all hide ourselves till the giant is out of reach, i shall be only too happy." very soon he saw the group of beautiful great shells, just as they were when he left them, except that _his_ shell, of course, was not there, as it graced mrs. huggermugger's domestic fireside. when he came near enough, he called some of his comrades by name, not too loud, for fear of being heard by the shell-fish-loving giant. they knew his voice, and one after another looked out of his shell. they had already seen the giant, as they were out looking for their lost companion, and had fled to hide themselves in their shells. "for heaven's sake," cried the little sailor. "tom, charley, all of you! don't stay here; the giant will come and carry you all off to his house under the cliffs; his wife has a particular liking for those beautiful houses of yours. i have just escaped, almost by miracle. come, come with me--here--under the rocks--in this cave--quick, before he sees us!" so little jacket hurried his friends into a hole in the rocks, where the giant would never think of prying. huggermugger did not see them. they were safe. as soon as he had filled his basket, he went off, and left nothing but his footprints and the smoke of his pipe behind him. after all, i don't think the giant would have hurt them, had he seen them. for he would have known the difference between a sailor and a shell-fish at once, and was no doubt too good-natured to injure them, if they made it clear to his mind that they were not by any means fish: but, on the contrary, might disagree dreadfully with his digestion, should he attempt to swallow them. chapter eight. how little jacket and his friends left the giant's island. very soon the sailors found a nice, large, dry cave in the rocks. there they brought dry sea-weed and made it into beds, and lived on the fish and fruits, which they had not much difficulty in obtaining. they even dragged their beautiful shells into the cave, and made little closets and cupboards of them. their cups and plates were made of smaller bivalve shells. their drink was clear spring-water, which they discovered near by, mixed with the juice of fruits. they lived in this way for several weeks, always hoping some good luck would happen. at last, one day, they saw a ship a few miles from the shore. they all ran to the top of a rock, and shouted and waved their hats. soon, to their indescribable joy, they saw a boat approaching the shore. they did not wait for it to reach the land, but being all good swimmers, with one accord plunged into the sea and swam to the boat. the sailors in the boat proved to be all americans, and the ship was the nancy johnson, from portsmouth, n. h., bound to the east indies, but being out of water had made for land to obtain a supply. the poor fellows were glad enough to get on board ship again. as they sailed off, they fancied they saw in the twilight, the huge forms of the great mr. and mrs. huggermugger on the rocks, gazing after them with open eyes and mouths. they pointed them out to the people of the ship, as little jacket related his wonderful adventures: but the sailors only laughed at them, and saw nothing but huge rocks and trees; and they whispered among themselves, that the poor fellows had lived too long on tough clams and sour berries, and cold water, and that a little jolly life on board ship would soon cure their disordered imaginations. chapter nine. mr. nabbum. little jacket and his friends were treated very kindly by the captain and crew of the nancy johnson, and as a few more sailors were wanted on board, their services were gladly accepted. they all arrived safely at java, where the ship took in a cargo of coffee. little jacket often related his adventures in the giant's island, but the sailors, though many of them were inclined to believe in marvellous stories, evidently did not give much credit to jacky's strange tale, but thought he must have dreamed it all. there was, however, one man who came frequently on board the ship while at java, who seemed not altogether incredulous. he was a tall, powerful yankee, who went by the name of zebedee nabbum. he had been employed as an agent of barnum, to sail to the indies and other countries in search of elephants, rhinoceroses, lions, tigers, baboons, and any wild animals he might chance to ensnare. he had been fitted out with a large ship and crew, and all the men and implements necessary for this exciting and dangerous task, and had been successful in entrapping two young elephants, a giraffe, a lion, sixteen monkeys, and a great number of parrots. he was now at java superintending the manufacture of a very powerful net of grass-ropes, an invention of his own, with which he hoped to catch a good many more wild animals, and return to america, and make his fortune by exhibiting them for mr. barnum. now zebedee nabbum listened with profound attention to little jacket's story, and pondered and pondered over it. [illustration: mr. nabbum hears little jacket's story.] "and after all," he said to himself, "why shouldn't it be true? don't we read in scripter that there war giants once? then why hadn't there ought to be some on 'em left--in some of them remote islands whar nobody never was? grimminy! if it should be true--if we should find jacky's island--if we should see the big critter alive, or his wife--if we could slip a noose under his legs and throw him down--or carry along the great net and trap him while he war down on the beach arter his clams, and manage to tie him and carry him off in my ship! he'd kick, i know. he'd a kind o' roar and struggle, and maybe swamp the biggest raft we could make to fetch him. but couldn't we starve him into submission? or, if we gave him plenty of clams, couldn't we keep him quiet? or couldn't we give the critter _rum?_--i guess he don't know nothin' of ardent sperets--and obfusticate his wits--and get him reglar boozy--couldn't we do any thing we chose to, then? an't it worth tryin', any how? if we _could_ catch him, and get him to ameriky alive, or only his skeleton, my fortune's made, i cal'late. i kind o' can't think that young fellow's been a gullin' me. he talks as though he'd seen the awful big critters with his own eyes. so do the other six fellows--they couldn't all of 'em have been dreamin'." so zebedee had a conversation one day with the captain of the nancy johnson, and found out from him that he had taken the latitude and longitude of the coast where they took away the shipwrecked sailors. the captain also described to zebedee the appearance of the coast; and, in short, zebedee contrived to get all the information about the place the captain could give him, without letting it appear that he had any other motive in asking questions than mere curiosity. chapter ten. zebedee and jacky put their heads together. zebedee now communicated to little jacket his plans about sailing for the giant's coast, and entrapping huggermugger and carrying him to america. little jacket was rather astonished at the bold scheme of the yankee, and tried to dissuade him from attempting it. but zebedee had got his head so full of the notion now, that he was determined to carry out his project, if he could. he even tried to persuade little jacket to go with him, and his six companions, and finally succeeded. the six other sailors, however, swore that nothing would tempt them to expose themselves again on shore to the danger of being taken by the giant. little jacket agreed to land with zebedee and share all danger with him, on condition that zebedee would give him half the profits barnum should allow them from the exhibition of the giant in america. but little jacket made zebedee promise that he would be guided by his advice, in their endeavors to ensnare the giant. indeed, a new idea had entered jacky's head as to the best way of getting huggermugger into their power, and that was to try persuasion rather than stratagem or force. i will tell you the reasons he had for so thinking. 1. the huggermuggers were not ogres or cannibals. they lived on fish, frogs, fruit, vegetables, grains, &c. 2. the huggermuggers wore clothes, lived in houses, and were surrounded with various indications of civilization. they were not savages. 3. the huggermuggers spoke english, with a strange accent, to be sure. they seemed sometimes to prefer it to their own language. they must, then, have been on friendly terms with english or americans, at some period of their lives. 4. the huggermuggers were not wicked and blood-thirsty. how different from the monsters one reads about in children's books! on the contrary, though they had little quarrels together now and then, they did not bite nor scratch, but seemed to live together as peaceably and lovingly, on the whole, as most married couples. and the only time he had a full view of their faces, little jacket saw in them an expression which was really good and benevolent. all these facts came much more forcibly to jacky's mind, now that the first terror was over, and calm, sober reason had taken the place of vague fear. he, therefore, told mr. nabbum, at length, his reasons for proposing, and even urging, that unless huggermugger should exhibit a very different side to his character from that which he had seen, nothing like force or stratagem should be resorted to. "for," said little jacket, "even if you succeeded, mr. nabbum, in throwing your net over his head, or your noose round his leg, as you would round an elephant's, you should consider how powerful and intelligent and, if incensed, how furious an adversary you have to deal with. none but a man out of his wits would think of carrying him off to your ship by main force. and as to your idea of making him drunk, and taking him aboard in that condition, there is no knowing whether drink would not render him quite furious, and ten times more unmanageable than ever. no, take my word for it, mr. nabbum, that i know huggermugger too well to attempt any of your tricks with him. you cannot catch him as you would an elephant or a hippopotamus. be guided by me, and see if my plan don't succeed better than yours." "well," answered zebedee, "i guess, arter all, jackie, you may be right. you've seen the big varmint, and feel a kind of o' acquainted with him, so you see i won't insist on my plan, if you've any better. now, what i want to know is, what's your idee of comin' it over the critter?" "you leave that to me," said little jacket; "if talking and making friends with him can do any thing, i think i can do it. we may coax him away; tell him stories about our country, and what fun he'd have among the people so much smaller than himself, and how they'd all look up to him as the greatest man they ever had, which will be true, you know: and that perhaps the americans will make him general huggermugger, or his excellency president huggermugger; and you add a word about our nice oysters, and clam-chowders. "i think there'd be room for him in your big ship. it's warm weather, and he could lie on deck, you know; and we could cover him up at night with matting and old sails; and he'd be so tickled at the idea of going to sea, and seeing strange countries, and we'd show him such whales and porpoises, and tell him such good stories, that i think he'd keep pretty quiet till we reached america. to be sure, it's a long voyage, and we'd have to lay in an awful sight of provisions, for he's a great feeder; but we can touch at different ports as we go along, and replenish our stock. "one difficulty will be, how to persuade him to leave his wife--for there wouldn't be room for two of them. we must think the matter over, and it will be time enough to decide what to do when we get there. even if we find it impossible to get him to go with us, we'll get somebody to write his history, and an account of our adventures, and make a book that will sell." chapter eleven. they sail for huggermugger's island. so little jacket sailed with mr. zebedee nabbum, in search of the giant's island. they took along a good crew, several bold elephant-hunters, an author to write their adventures, an artist to sketch the huggermuggers, little jacket's six comrades, grappling-irons, nets, ropes, harpoons, cutlasses, pistols, guns, the two young elephants, the lion, the giraffe, the monkeys, and the parrots. they had some difficulty in finding the island, but by taking repeated observations, they at last discovered land that they thought must be it. they came near, and were satisfied that they were not deceived. there were the huge black cliffs--there were the rocky promontory--the beach. it was growing dusk, however, and they determined to cast anchor, and wait till morning before they sent ashore a boat. was it fancy or not, that little jacket thought he could see in the gathering darkness, a dim, towering shape, moving along like a pillar of cloud, now and then stooping to pick up something on the shore--till it stopped, and seemed looking in the direction of the ship, and then suddenly darted off towards the cliffs, and disappeared in the dark woods. chapter twelve. the huggermuggers in a new light. i think the giant must have seen the ship, and ran home at full speed to tell his wife about it. for in the morning early, as little jacket and nabbum and several others of the boldest of the crew had just landed their boat, and were walking on the beach, whom should they see but huggermugger and his wife hastening towards them with rapid strides. their first impulse was to rush and hide themselves, but the huggermuggers came too fast towards them to allow them to do so. there was nothing else to do but face the danger, if danger there was. what was their surprise to find that the giant and giantess wore the most beaming smiles on their broad faces. they stooped down and patted their heads with their huge hands, and called them, in broken english, "pretty little dolls and dears, and where did they come from, and how long it was since they had seen any little men like them--and wouldn't they go home and see them in their big house under the cliffs?" mrs. huggermugger, especially, was charmed with them, and would have taken them home in her arms--"she had no children of her own, and they should live with her and be her little babies." the sailors did not exactly like the idea of being treated like babies, but they were so astonished and delighted to find the giants in such good humor, that they were ready to submit to all the good woman's caresses. little jacket then told them where they came from, and related his whole story of having been shipwrecked there, and all his other adventures. as he told them how huggermugger had carried home the big shell with him in it, sound asleep; how he had let himself down from the mantel-piece, and had tried to escape by cutting at the door; and how, when he heard huggermugger coming, he had rushed into the boot, and how he had pricked the giant's toe when he attempted to draw his boot on, and how the boot and he were taken to the cobbler's--then huggermugger and his wife could contain themselves no longer, but burst into such peals of laughter, that the people in the ship, who were watching their movements on shore through their spy-glasses, and expected every moment to see their companions all eaten alive or carried off to be killed, knew not what to make of it. huggermugger and his wife laughed till the tears ran down their faces, and made such a noise in their merriment, that the sailors wished they were further off. they, however, were in as great glee as the giant and giantess, and began to entertain such a good opinion of them, that they were ready to assent to anything the huggermuggers proposed. in fact, except in matter of size, they could see very little difference between the giants and themselves. all zebedee nabbum's warlike and elephant-trapping schemes melted away entirely, and he even began to have a sort of conscientious scruple against enticing away the big fellow who proved to be such a jolly good-humored giant. he was prepared for resistance. he would have even liked the fun of throwing a noose over his head, and pulling him down and harpooning him, but this good-humored, merry laughter, this motherly caressing, was too much for zebedee. he was overcome. even little jacket was astonished. the once dreaded giant was in all respects like them--only o, so much bigger! so, after a good deal of friendly talk, huggermugger invited the whole boat's crew to go home with him to dinner, and even to spend some days with him, if they would. little jacket liked the proposal, but zebedee said they must first send back a message to the ship, to say where they were going. huggermugger send his card by the boat, to the rest of the ship's company--it was a huge piece of pasteboard, as big as a dining-table--saying, that he and mrs. h. would be happy, some other day, to see all who would do him the honor of a visit. he would come himself and fetch them in his fish-basket, as the road was rough, and difficult for such little folks to travel. chapter thirteen. huggermugger hall. the next morning huggermugger appeared on the beach with his big basket, and took away about half a dozen of the sailors. zebedee and little jacket went with them. it was a curious journey, jogging along in his basket, and hanging at such a height from the ground. zebedee could not help thinking what a capital thing it would be in america to have a few big men like him to lift heavy stones for building, or to carry the mail bags from city to city, at a railroad speed. but, as to travelling in his fish-basket, he certainly preferred our old-fashioned railroad cars. [illustration: a new mode of conveyance.] they were all entertained very hospitably at huggermugger hall. they had a good dinner of fish, frogs, fruit, and vegetables, and drank a kind of beer, made of berries, out of mrs. huggermugger's thimble, much to the amusement of all. mrs. huggermugger showed them her beautiful shell, and made little jacket tell how he had crept out of it, and let himself down by the fishing-line. and huggermugger made him act over again the scene of hiding in the boot. at which all laughed again. the little people declined their hosts' pressing invitation to stay all night, so huggermugger took them all back to their boat. they had enough to tell on board ship about their visit. the next day, and the day after, others of the crew were entertained in the same way at huggermugger hall, till all had satisfied their curiosity. the giant and his wife being alone in the island, they felt that it was pleasant to have their solitude broken by the arrival of the little men. there were several dwarfs living here and there in the island, who worked for the giants, of whom kobboltozo was one; but there were no other giants. the huggermuggers were the last of their race. their history, however, was a secret they kept to themselves. whether they or their ancestors came from brobdignag, or whether they were descended from gog and magog, or goliath of gath, they never would declare. mr. scrawler, the author, who accompanied the ship, was very curious to know something of their history and origin. he ascertained that they learned english of a party of adventurers who once landed on their shore, many years before, and that the huggermugger race had long inhabited the island. but he could learn nothing of their origin. they looked very serious whenever this subject was mentioned. there was evidently a mystery about them, which they had particular reasons never to unfold. on all other subjects they were free and communicative. on this, they kept the strictest and most guarded silence. chapter fourteen. kobbletozo astonishes mr. scrawler. now it chanced that some of the dwarfs i have spoken of, were not on the best of terms with the huggermuggers. kobboltozo was one of these. and the only reason why he disliked them, as far as could be discovered, was that they were giants, and he (though a good deal larger than an ordinary sized man) was but a dwarf. he could never be as big as they were. he was like the frog that envied the ox, and his envy and hatred sometimes swelled him almost to bursting. all the favors that the huggermuggers heaped upon him, had no effect in softening him. he would have been glad at almost any misfortune that could happen to them. now kobboltozo was at the giant's house one day when mr. scrawler was asking questions of huggermugger about his origin, and observed his disappointment at not being furnished with all the information he was so eager to obtain; for mr. scrawler calculated to make a book about the huggermuggers and all their ancestors, which would sell. so while mr. scrawler was taking a stroll in the garden, kobboltozo came up to him and told him he had something important to communicate to him. they then retired behind some shrubbery, where kobboltozo, taking a seat under the shade of a cabbage, and requesting mr. scrawler to do the same, looked around cautiously, and spoke as follows:-"i perceive that you all are very eager to know something about the huggermugger's origin and history. i think that i am almost the only one in this island besides them, who can gratify your curiosity in this matter. but you must solemnly promise to tell no one, least of all the giants, in what way you came to know what i am going to tell you, unless it be after you have left the island, for i dread huggermugger's vengeance if he knows the story came from me." "i promise," said scrawler. "know then," said kobboltozo, "that the ancestors of the huggermuggers--the huggers on the male side, and the muggers on the female--were men smaller than me, the poor dwarf. hundred of years ago they came to this island, directed hither by an old woman, a sort of witch, who told them that if they and their children, and their children's children, ate constantly of a particular kind of shell-fish, which was found in great abundance here, they would continue to increase in size, with each successive generation, until they became proportioned to all other growth on the island--till they became giants--such giants as the huggermuggers. but that the last survivors of the race would meet with some great misfortune, if this secret should ever be told to more than one person out of the huggermugger family. i have reasons for believing that huggermugger and his wife are the last of their race; for all their ancestors and relations are dead, and they have no children, and are likely to have none. _now there are two persons who have been told the secret. it was told to me, and i tell it to you_!" as kobboltozo ended, his face wore an almost fiendish expression of savage triumph, as if he had now settled the giants' fate forever. "but," said scrawler, "how came _you_ into possession of this tremendous secret; and, if true, why do you wish any harm to happen to the good huggermuggers?" "i hate them!" said the dwarf. "they are rich--i am poor. they are big and well-formed--i am little and crooked. why should not my race grow to be as shapely and as large as they; for _my_ ancestors were as good as theirs, and i have heard that they possessed the island before the huggermuggers came into it? no! i am weary of the huggermuggers. i have more right to the island than they. but they have grown by enchantment, while my race only grew to a certain size, and then we stopped and grew crooked. but the huggermuggers, if there should be any more of them, will grow till they are like the trees of the forest. "then as to the way i discovered their mystery. i was taking home a pair of shoes for the giantess, and was just about to knock at the door, when i heard the giant and his wife talking. i crept softly up and listened. they have great voices--not difficult to hear _them_. they were talking about a secret door in the wall, and of something precious which was locked up within a little closet. as soon as their voices ceased, i knocked, and was let in. i assumed an appearance as if i had heard nothing, and they did not suspect me. i went and told hammawhaxo, the carpenter--a friend of mine, and a dwarf like me. i knew he didn't like huggermugger much. hammawhaxo was employed at the time to repair the bottom of a door in the giant's house, where the rats had been gnawing. so he went one morning before the giants were up, and tapped all around the wainscoting of the walls with his hammer, till he found a hollow place, and a sliding panel, and inside the wall he discovered an old manuscript in the ancient hugger language, in which was written the secret i have told you. and now we will see if the old fortune-teller's prophecy is to come true or not." chapter fifteen. mrs. huggermugger grows thin and fades away. scrawler, though delighted to get hold of such a story to put into his book, could not help feeling a superstitious fear that the prediction might be verified, and some misfortune before the good huggermuggers. it could not come from him or any of his friends, he was sure; for zebedee nabbum's first idea of entrapping the giant was long since abandoned. if he was ever to be taken away from the island, it could only be by the force of persuasion, and he was sure that huggermugger would not voluntarily leave his wife. scrawler only hinted then to huggermugger, that he feared kobboltozo was his enemy. but huggermugger laughed, and said he knew the dwarf was crabbed and spiteful, but that he did not fear him. huggermugger was not suspicious by nature, and it never came into his thoughts that kobboltozo, or any other dwarf could have the least idea of his great secret. little jacket came now frequently to the giant's house, where he became a great favorite. he had observed, for some days, that mrs. huggermugger's spirits were not so buoyant as usual. she seldom laughed--she sometimes sat alone and sighed, and even wept. she ate very little of shell-fish--even her favorite frog had lost its relish. she was growing thin--the once large, plump woman. her husband, who really loved her, though his manner towards her was sometimes rough, was much concerned. he could not enjoy his lonely supper--he scarcely cared for his pipe. to divert his mind, he would sometimes linger on the shore, talking to the little men, as he called them. he would strip off this long boots and his clothes, and wade out into the sea to get a nearer view of the ship. he could get near enough to talk to them on board. "how should you like to go with us," said the little men, one day, "and sail away to see new countries? we can show you a great deal that you haven't seen. if you went to america with us, you would be the greatest man there." huggermugger laughed, but not one of his hearty laughs--his mind was ill at ease about his wife. but the idea was a new one, of going away from giant-land to a country of pygmies. could he ever go? not certainly without his wife--and she would never leave the island. why should he wish to go away? "to be sure." he said, "it is rather lonely here--all our kindred dead--nobody to be seen but little ugly dwarfs. and i really like these little sailors, and shall be sorry to part with them. no, here i shall remain, wife and i, and here we shall end our days. we are the last of the giants--let us not desert our native soil." mrs. huggermugger grew worse and worse. it seemed to be a rapid consumption. no cause could be discovered for her sickness. a dwarf doctor was called in, but he shook his head--he feared he could do nothing. little jacket came with the ship's doctor, and brought some medicines. she took them, but they had no effect. she could not now rise from her bed. her husband sat by her side all the time. the good-hearted sailors did all they could for her, which was not much. even zebedee nabbum's feelings were touched. he told her yankee stories, and tales of wild beasts--of elephants, not bigger than one of her pigs--of lions and bears as small as lapdogs--of birds not larger than one of their flies. all did what they could to lessen her sufferings. "to think," said zebedee, "aint it curious--who'd a thought that great powerful critter could ever get sick and waste away like this!" chapter sixteen. the sorrows of huggermugger. at last, one morning while the sailors were lounging about on the beach, they saw the great huggermugger coming along, his head bent low, and the great tears streaming down his face. they all ran up to him. he sat, or rather threw himself down on the ground. "my dear little friends," said he, "it's all over. i never shall see my poor wife again--never again--never again--i am the last of the huggermuggers. she is gone. and as for me--i care not now whither i go. i can never stay here--not here--it will be too lonely. let me go and bury my poor wife, and then farewell to giant-land! i will go with you, if you will take me!" they were all much grieved. they took huggermugger's great hands, as he sat there, like a great wrecked and stranded ship, swayed to and fro by the waves and surges of his grief, and their tears mingled with his. he took them into his arms, the great huggermugger, and kissed them. "you are the only friends left me now," he said, "take me with you from this lonely place. she who was so dear to me is gone to the great unknown, as on a boundless ocean; and this great sea which lies before us is to me like it. whether i live or die, it is all one--take me with you. i am helpless now as a child!" chapter seventeen. huggermugger leaves his island zebedee nabbum could not help thinking how easily he had obtained permission of his giant. there was nothing to do but to make room for him in the ship, and lay in a stock of those articles of foods which the giant was accustomed to eat, sufficient for a long voyage. huggermugger laid his wife in a grave by the sea-shore, and covered it over with the beautiful large shells which she so loved. he then went home, opened the secret door in the wall, took out the ancient manuscript, tied a heavy stone to it, and sunk it in a deep well under the rocks, into which he also threw the key of his house, after having taken everything he needed for his voyage, and locked the doors. the ship was now all ready to sail. the sailors had made a large raft, on which the giant sat and paddled himself to the ship, and climbed on board. the ship was large enough to allow him to stand, when the sea was still, and even walk about a little; but huggermugger preferred the reclining posture, for he was weary and needed repose. during the first week or two of the voyage, his spirits seemed to revive. the open sea, without any horizon, the sails spreading calmly above him, the invigorating salt breeze, the little sailors clambering up the shrouds and on the yards, all served to divert his mind from his great grief. the sailors came to around him and told him stories, and described the country to which they were bound; and sometimes mr. nabbum brought out his elephants, which huggermugger patted and fondled like dogs. but poor huggermugger was often sea-sick, and could not sit up. the sailors made him as comfortable as they could. by night they covered him up and kept him warm, and by day they stretched an awning above him to protect him from the sun. he was so accustomed to the open air, that he was never too cold nor too warm. but poor huggermugger, after a few weeks more, began to show the symptoms of a more serious illness then sea-sickness. a nameless melancholy took possession of him. he refused to eat--he spoke little, and only lay and gazed up at the white sails and the blue sky. by degrees, he began to waste away, very much as his wife did. little jacket felt a real sorrow and sympathy, and so did they all. zebedee nabbum, however, it must be confessed "though he felt a kind o' sorry for the poor critter," thought more of the loss it would be to him, as a money speculation, to have him die before they reached america. "it would be too bad," he said, "after all the trouble and expense i've had, and when the critter was so willin', too, to come aboard, to go and have him die. we must feed him well, and try hard to save him; for we can't afford to lose him. why, he'd be worth at least 50,000 dollars--yes, 100,000 dollars, in the united states." so zebedee would bring him dishes of his favorite clams, nicely cooked and seasoned, but the giant only sighed and shook his head. "no," he said, "my little friends, i feel that i shall never see your country. your coming to my island has been in some way fatal for me. my secret must have been told. the prophecy, ages ago, has come true!" chapter eighteen. the last of huggermugger. mr. scrawler now thought it was time for him to speak. he had only refrained from communicating to huggermugger what the dwarf had told him, from the fear of making the poor giant more unhappy and ill than ever. but he saw that he could be silent no longer, for there seemed to be a suspicion in huggermugger's mind, that it might be these very people, in whose ship he had consented to go, who had found out and revealed his secret. mr. scrawler then related to the giant what the dwarf had told him in the garden, and about the concealed ms., and the prophecy it contained. huggermugger sunk his head in his hands, and said: "ah, the dwarf--the dwarf! fool that i was; i might have known it. his race always hated mine. ah, wretch! that i had punished thee as thou deservest! "but, after all, what matters it?" he added, "i am the last of my race. what matters it, if i die a little sooner than i thought? i have little wish to live, for i should have been very lonely in my island. better it is it that i go to other lands--better, perhaps, that i die here ere reaching land. "friends, i feel that i shall never see your country--and why should i wish it? how could such a huge being as i live among you? for a little while i should be amused with you, and you astonished at me. i might find friends here and there, like you; but your people could never understand my nature, nor i theirs. i should be carried about as a spectacle; i should not belong to myself, but to those who exhibited me. there could be little sympathy between your people and mine. i might, too, be feared, be hated. your climate, your food, your houses, your laws, your customs--every thing would be unlike what mine has been. i am too old, to weary of life, to begin it again in a new world." so, my young readers, not to weary you with any more accounts of huggermugger's sickness, i must end the matter, and tell you plainly that he died long before they reached america, much to mr. nabbum's vexation. little jacket and his friends grieved very much, but they could not help it, and thought that, on the whole, it was best it should be so. zebedee nabbum wished they could, at least, preserve the giant's body, and exhibit it in new york. but it was impossible. all they could take home with them was his huge skeleton; and even this, by some mischance, was said to be incomplete. some time after the giant's death, mr. scrawler, one day when the ship was becalmed, and the sailors wished to be amused, fell into a poetic frenzy, and produced the following song, which all hands sung, (rather slowly) when mr. nabbum was not present, to the tune of yankee doodle:- yankee nabbum went to sea a huntin' after lions; he came upon an island where there was a pair of giants. he brought his nets and big harpoon, and thought he'd try to catch 'em; but nabbum found out very soon there was no need to fetch 'em. yankee nabbum went ashore, with jacky and some others; but huggermugger treated them just like his little brothers. he took 'em up and put 'em in his thunderin' big fish basket;- he took 'em home and gave them all they wanted, ere they asked it. the giants were as sweet to them as two great lumps of sugar,- a very queen of candy was good mrs. huggermugger. but, ah! the good fat woman died, the giant too departed, and came himself on nabbum's ship, quite sad and broken hearted. he came aboard and sailed with us, a sadder man and wiser- but pretty soon, just like his wife, he sickened and did die, sir. but nabbum kept his mighty bones- how they will stare to see 'em, when nabbum has them all set up in barnum's great museum! nothing is dearly known, strange to say, as to what became of this skeleton. in the museum, at philadelphia, there are some great bones, which are usually supposed to be those of the great mastodon. it is the opinion, however, of others, that they are none other than those of the great huggermugger--all that remains of the last of the giants. note:--i was told, several years hence, that mr. scrawler's narrative of his adventures in huggermugger's island, was nearly completed, and that he was only waiting for a publisher. as, however, nothing has as yet been heard of his long expected book, i have taken the liberty to print what i have written, from the story, as i heard it from little jacket himself, who is now grown to be a man. i have been told that little jacket, who is now called mr. john cable, has left the sea, and is now somewhere out in the western states, settled down as a farmer, and has grown so large and fat, that he fears he must have eaten some of those strange shell-fish, by which the huggermugger race grew to be so great. other accounts, however, say that he is as fond of the sea as ever, and has got to be the captain of a great ship; and that he and mr. nabbum are still voyaging round the world, in hopes of finding other huggermuggers. colossus of chaos by nelson s. bond it was the evil spawn of lifeless space, drifting aimlessly until its sinister birthing place should come. and finding that abode for life, it grew, sucking energy from terra itself--gathering strength for that time when all should flee before its malign wrath. [transcriber's note: this etext was produced from planet stories winter 1942. extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the u.s. copyright on this publication was renewed.] _out of the darkness it came. out of the grim, bleak, frore, incalculable depths of outer space, into the empire of light and warmth ... and life._ _it was like nothing known to man. it was round, but not quite round; it was hard, but not altogether hard; it was cold, but not cold with the terrible, utter iciness of things which come from beyond. it was in motion but it did not move of its own volition, for it was quiescent, insensate. it let itself be carried by the vagrant and unpredictable whims of a kinetic universe, confident that in a day ... or a century ... or a thousand, thousand centuries ... the fitful fingers of chance would find for it a bourne, a resting-place._ _out of the night it came ... the endless, inpenetrable night which spans the void between star and star. out of one cosmos into another; out of oblivion into waking horror._ _no eye beheld its coming. none saw its faint, thin, cool iridescence; no voice lifted to challenge its arrival on the sixth satellite of the sixth solar planet. it dropped to earth unwatched, rolled a brief, sluggish way, then rested in a deep, soft, sandy pit._ _a gray hoar-frost rimed its surface as the warmth of a friendly orb dispelled the frightful chill of space; a pale mist rose from its petroid carapace and trembled into the air like a wan and restless ghost._ _it had found a home, a lair, a birthing-place. with a slow, ecstatic, burrowing motion it dug itself still deeper into the nourishing sands. it had arrived. it grew...._ i "a dangerous place," said the heavy man with ominous deliberation. "a most dangerous place!" he raised his glass to his nostrils, passed it back and forth appreciatively, and rolled a single drop of the liqueur upon his tongue. a smile creased his full, red lips. "excellent, my dear captain!" he approved. "a most superior brandy. allow me to congratulate you. domrémy-thol '98, i should judge?" captain burke, skipper of the ips space-cruiser _gaea_, basked in the sunshine of his passenger's approbation. he swirled the liquor in his frosted glass, glanced about the table with a self-satisfied complacency that was almost ludicrous. then he nodded his head slowly, acknowledging the compliment bestowed upon his judgment in selecting the after-dinned liquor. "allow me," he corrected, "to congratulate you, sir, on a truly magnificent palate. you have named the exact vine and season. but ... danger? you spoke of danger?" the connoisseur glanced at the young lady across the table and permitted his eyebrows to arch significantly. "perhaps it would be better to abandon the subject," he suggested. "after all, i do not wish to cause miss graham undue alarm--" the girl laughed. she did not seem, noted young dr. roswell, occupant of another seat at the captain's table, the least bit perturbed by grossman's shadowy hint of menace. on the contrary, her already vivid features assumed new color at the scent of danger. her gray-green eyes brightened, a flush highlighted the natural golden beauty of her cheeks; she bent forward interestedly. "please, mister grossman ... don't stop because of me. i want to learn everything i can about titan. it's going to be my home from now on, you know. i'll learn sooner or later." "ye-e-es," acknowledged the heavy man grudgingly, "i suppose that is true. your father is commandant of the space patrol post at new boston, isn't he? hasn't _he_ warned you of the dangers you face in coming to live with him?" again the girl laughed. "hardly! you see, he doesn't know i'm coming. he'd have conniption fits if he knew i were aboard the _gaea_. he's a lamb, really, but terribly old-fashioned. 'women belong on earth,' you know ... that sort of thing. he thinks i'm safe in a terra boarding-school right now. if he _dreamed_ i were less than an hour off titan--well, i'm afraid he'd be pale violet with anger." "and," reproved grossman sternly, "rightly so. your father is a wise man. titan is no place for a girl of gentle breeding. it is a vile and treacherous pest-hole. it should never have been opened to earth colonists!" rockingham roswell coughed gently. the young savant was taller than any man present, and but for the conservative cut of his clothing might have looked his true weight, but he carried himself in such a way as to seem more fragile than he really was. his lean, close-shaven cheeks were pale, and his tow-colored hair was meticulously plastered to his scalp. he wore thick-lensed, tortoise-shell glasses which he removed and polished nervously as he spoke. "in ... er ... in that case, mister grossman, it strikes me as a bit odd that you should ... er ... have established business headquarters on the satellite." grossman glanced sharply at the slender man, snapped impatiently, "a business man cannot always pick and choose his locations, doctor roswell. he must follow the path of empire as it leads. since there are earthmen on titan, someone must serve them. it is an obligation which cannot be refused--" "er ... quite!" acknowledged roswell confusedly. "job of work to be done ... noble noble sacrifice ... the white man's burden ... all that sort of rot ... what?" unaccountably, grossman flushed. "if you are trying to imply, sir," he fumed, "that i have any ulterior motive in establishing a trading post on titan--" "oh, gracious, no! nothing of the sort. i wouldn't presume to question your ... er ... business acumen, factor. i'm hardly the type, what?" roswell smiled a faint, thin, apologetic smile. "i mean i ... er ... i really don't know much about this sort of thing ... if you know what i mean...." * * * * * captain burke stared at the younger man impatiently. a spaceman toughened in the crucible of action, he had little patience with such learned young fops as this passenger. his words were polite, as befitted the skipper of a luxury liner, but his tone was brushed with acid. "if you don't mind, doctor roswell, factor grossman was about to tell us something about the hazards of titan. well, mister grossman?" grossman took another appreciative sip of his brandy, set down the tulip-glass, and steepled his fingers. "well, the perils of titan fall into several classes. geographic, physiological and racial. in the first place, it is a satellite approximately the size of earth's moon ... large enough to sustain life, but small enough to be influenced by the perturbations not only of its massive primary, which lies a scant seven hundred and sixty thousand miles away, but also by the attractive forces of the ring and saturn's eight _other_ satellites. "evidence of this is the peculiarity interwoven orbit trajectories of titan and its nearest sister, hyperion, which sometimes approach each other perilously close. were titan a sphere of pumaceous formation, like luna, it would long since have burst into a million fragments under the impact of these conflicting forces. fortunately, it is of a basaltic nature, and consequently reasonably stable. "more immediately hazardous are what might be called the physiological dangers of titan. these are multifold. to begin with, there is the so-called 'water' of the orb--" "i've read about that," nodded captain burke gravely. "not water at all, but--" "but a deadly corrosive acid," finished the speaker, "yes! happily, the 'seas' of titan do not cover such a share of the planet's surface as do those of earth; if they did, no life--either flora or fauna--would ever have developed upon the little world." his heavy shoulders shivered. "still ... imagine frothing, tide-swept lakes as large as lake erie or victoria nyanza splashing endlessly at shores until inch by inch and foot by foot those beaches are eroded, rotted, eaten away by the action of the fluid they contain! these are the 'oceans' of titan. there are four of them, fed by subterranean sources we have not yet discovered. one day they will have completely devoured the parent planet, and titan will cease to be." "but that day, of course," interposed the girl, "is a long way off. is this the only physiological danger?" "there is one even _more_ dreadful. the t-radiation." "t-radiation? what is that?" grossman smiled mirthlessly. "were i able to tell you, i should be a greater physicist than any who have so far visited titan. dozens of the wisest have come, probed, pondered, analyzed ... and left titan none the wiser for their efforts. frankly, they do not know! the very name 't-radiation' is an admission of their failure. it is simply an abbreviation for 'titan-radiation.' it is an electro-magnetic or radioactive emanation lethal to humans ... that is all they know about it." young dr. roswell wiped his spectacles carefully and interrupted, "but ... er ... but surely, factor, these physicists were able to determine the wave-length of the radiation? did that not tell them--?" grossman said bluntly, almost rudely, "the radiation lies in the hertzian range, doctor roswell. does that knowledge help you any? perhaps now _you_ can tell us why these rays are deadly?" * * * * * roswell flushed and faltered into silence. the girl glanced curiously at grossman. "hertzian range, factor?" "electrical waves ranging between 1 m. and 1/10 c.m. in length, miss graham. their place is between the so-called 'short waves' of radio transmission and the infra-red or heat waves. their existence has been known, theoretically, for at least two hundred years. but man has never been able to find a reason, a place, or use for them. nor have they been found to occur freely in nature elsewhere than on titan." "and," asked captain burke, "you say these waves are deadly to humans? but how, then, have our colonists managed to win and maintain a foothold--" "i should have said," admitted grossman, "the waves are deadly to _unshielded_ humans. lead sheathing protects the wearer from harm; consequently men in bulgers are quite safe. and one of the first acts of the solar space patrolmen, upon reaching titan, was to project a series of leaden highways or avenues between the cities of the satellite. upon these, and _only_ upon these, may earthmen travel unprotected by bulgers. to stray from one of these roadbeds means exposure to the t-radiation. and that, in turn, means death!" rockingham roswell shuddered delicately. "beastly!" he murmured. "deuced unpleasant sort of place, what? but, i say ... how about the natives? how did they manage to survive before our countrymen built those jolly old lead roadways?" grossman pursed his lips impatiently at the affected young scholar. "they, doctor roswell," he said scornfully, "are immune to the t-radiation. certainly you are acquainted with the principles of selective breeding?" "selective--oh, yes! survival of the fittest ... all that fiddle-di-diddle? you mean the present titanians _are_ the present titanians simply because they adapted their physiques to the surroundings, eh? why, rather! that's clear enough. still, if they can stand the radiation, i don't see why other humans--" "other _humans_!" grossman laughed curtly. "my dear doctor, it is obvious you have never seen a titanian. human, indeed! why, it is the dissimilarity between the titanians and ourselves which led me to name racial divergence as among the hazards of life on titan. "the creatures who rule titan look less like humans than like those monsters deranged and alcoholic patients see in their dreams. for some reason--possibly because of this mysterious t-radiation--the denizens of the world have never bred true. consequently, there is no way of foretelling what the child of any two parents may resemble ... though one almost certain guess is that it will resemble neither parent. "bilateral symmetry is about the only constant human attribute to be found amongst the titanians. that and a more or less rudimentary intelligence ... an instinct which is more akin to animal cunning than to intellect. "some titanians walk erect on their hind legs. some crawl on all fours or squirm on their bellies. some resemble the humanoid races of our planet, or mars, or venus. others look like obscene jungle beasts, ghouls, fabulous monsters. "i have seen titanians whose leprous flesh covered bones have no counterpart in the human skeleton ... others with no faces at all, as we know the meaning of the word ... others who grope blindly along on tactile tentacles, 'seeing' with foot-long tongues, 'hearing' through their fingertips. "some there are who look like gigantic, crimson ants; others inch their way along the streets like hideous, mangled slugs; while yet again--astonishingly--you may chance upon a titanian not only similar in appearance to earthmen, but as clever and quick in thought as any terrestrial." grossman paused, nodding significantly. "these," he said, "are the most dangerous of all." "and--" breathed lynn graham--"the nature of this danger, mister grossman? attack, perhaps?" "attack!" the trading-post factor laughed brusquely, harshly. "a mild word for it. extermination! the titanians hate interlopers on their world--_particularly_ earthmen--with a smoldering, implacable hatred inconceivable to a civilized mind. had they their will, they would hunt down every earthman and slaughter him with the most horrible tortures their warped and twisted minds can devise. "your father, miss graham--" grossman bent forward across the table to lend emphasis to his warning--"maintains a post on titan by sufference only. because the natives have not the strength nor the weapons with which to rebel. but if ever the day dawns when they find such strength or weapons--" grossman drew a deep breath and shook his head--"then ... lord help all like us who dwell on titan!" ii _it had arrived. it had found a birthing-place. it grew. there in the lone, lorn silence, in the thawing warmth of the nourishing sands. it spawned according to its nature._ _it made no sound save that of a thin, dry grating as its shell-like covering stirred against the sides of the pit. but a change had come upon its carapace. its one-time stony surface now was mottled with yolky cloud; its one-time opaque walls were now translucent with a jelly-like shimmering. and from within the egg came the bruit of liquid movement. slow, groping movement of life that would be free. amorphous hands scraped and slithered at softening, yielding walls. a single flake chipped and fell away from the gigantic shell. another followed it. another ... and another._ _a native of the planet, random-roaming, chanced upon the pit. his nostrils quivered with the scent of food. with greedy stealth he moved upon his prey._ _and then:_ _and then the native witnessed the phenomenon. wide-eyed with wonder he beheld the monstrous sight ... the ultimate emergence of the thing!_ _in his dull, brutelike brain there dawned a dreadful fear. a fear ... and a great hope! on trembling limbs he fell back from the pit, all thoughts of food forgotten, turned and scampered to the city whence he had come._ _meanwhile, the sprawling, raw and new-fledged thing lay gasping in the sunlight, sucking strength from the depths of the nourishing soil. it was born. it grew...._ iii a strained silence followed the factor's final words. a silence during which lynn graham's troubled gaze swept the table, searching reassurance--finding none--in the eyes of her dinner companions. a silence during which dr. rockingham roswell fidgeted uneasily, removed his glasses, breathed upon them, polished them, and replaced them for the hundredth time. it was captain burke who finally broke the spell. he cleared his throat and rose. "well, i must be getting along to the bridge. we'll be at new boston space-port in a matter of minutes now. i suggest that you go to your staterooms, see that your luggage is in order, and prepare to disembark." dr. roswell said hesitantly, "er ... captain ... just a moment. when ... er ... how soon does the _gaea_ return to earth?" "return to earth! but--" captain burke turned a blank, uncomprehending stare upon his questioner--"but you have not yet set foot on titan!" dr. roswell shuffled uncomfortably. "i ... er ... i quite realize that, captain. but i ... er ... have been reconsidering. in view of mister grossman's revelations, i ... er ... am not altogether certain it would be wise to pursue my investigations...." the space skipper's broad, flat features contracted into a grimace of disdain. despite his company's instructions to maintain at all times a respectful mien toward passengers, he permitted contempt to echo in his voice. "you don't mean to say you are _afraid_, doctor roswell!" the young man's cheeks flushed. he said, "i ... er ... should not put it quite that way, sir. however, i prefer not to expose myself to needless risks. the work i had intended to do on titan is not sufficiently important to warrant--" grossman chuckled. the girl, lynn graham, looked at the embarrassed pedant almost pityingly. captain burke said, "i am afraid, doctor roswell, it will not be possible to return to earth immediately. the _gaea_ is not returning to earth." "not returning--" "no. we are going on to uranus to leave a cargo of food and medical supplies there. we will, however, stop back at titan in three solar constant weeks. if--" the skipper's voice was openly ironic--"if you can endure the rigors of the satellite for that length of time, we will be glad to pick you up on our return trip." "i ... er ... i suppose it would not be possible for me to ride with you to uranus?" "i'm sorry," said burke decidedly. "the uranus post is a military zone forbidden to civilian tourists. i cannot take you there." "then in that case," shrugged roswell, "i must stay. but you _will_ stop for me?" "i'll stop for you. meanwhile, you had better make arrangements to stay somewhere where you will be quite safe." captain burke's patience was quite exhausted. "miss graham can, perhaps, prevail upon her father to allow you to remain at the space patrol base." the young doctor turned to the girl eagerly. "can you, miss graham? i would be _most_ grateful--" lynn graham nodded, her icy politeness more devastating than forthright scorn. "yes, doctor roswell, i am reasonably sure you can make such arrangements. i will ask daddy as soon as we land. and now, gentlemen, if you will excuse me--" she rose and left the dining-hall. grossman, still chuckling, followed her example. he stopped at the doorway. "sorry i upset you, roswell. but cheer up! three weeks will pass swiftly. you'll be all right on titan if you keep your eye peeled and carry your haemholtz at all times." but his reassurance proved to be just the opposite. for the savant's lower jaw dropped; he quavered, "haemholtz! gracious ... you mean i should carry a ray-pistol! oh, mercy! i couldn't _think_ of doing such a thing!" and with a little bleat of dismay, he turned and ran toward his stateroom. the two men in the dining-hall watched him disappear. then grossman laughed aloud, and captain burke snorted. "the younger generation! if that's the kind of men earth is breeding nowadays, lord help us all!" * * * * * dr. rockingham roswell pattered down the long, metal corridors of the _gaea_ to his a-deck suite. he fumbled near-sightedly at the vibro-lock and stumbled into his compartment. but once inside, the door securely bolted behind him, a change came over him. a change which would have astonished those who had a few moments before been amused at his timidity. he removed his spectacles, casing them and thrusting them into an inside pocket. he then removed his coat. oddly enough, rid of that closely-tailored garment, his shoulders looked considerably broader, his chest inches deeper. he drew a deep breath ... much the same sort of breath as a sponge diver draws when he emerges from the hampering depths of the sea to the more accustomed world above ... and called a name. "bud?" a figure appeared from the plushy wallows of a divan, waved at the young professor companionably. "hi, rocky! beginnin' to wonder when you was comin' back. we're halfway to the cradle. what's the good word?" "the good word," grinned his informant, "is that i've paved the way. miss graham is going to ask her father to let us stay at the patrol base." "huh?" mulligan looked baffled. "what's good about _that_? we could've stayed at the patrol base anyway. all you had to do was tell colonel graham who you were--" his superior officer groaned in mock despair. "sometimes i wonder if that cranium of yours is good for anything but a hair-garden! don't you see, bud, that the whole scheme depends on our being _invited_ to become guests at the patrol base? of course, we could present our credentials, walk directly from the _gaea_ to headquarters. but it would be a cold tip-off to grossman that we are s.i.d. men. "as it is, he hasn't got the faintest idea that 'doctor rockingham roswell' and his 'valet' are members of the solar investigation department. he thinks i'm a very badly rattled pedagogue, and you're a mealy-mouthed nonentity. and that is exactly what we want him to believe--until we get the goods on him." "then he _is_ our man?" "i'm practically certain of it now. he's as nervous as a cat. flared up the moment i questioned his reasons for living on titan. as factor of the new boston trading-post he is in an ideal situation to stir up trouble amongst the titanians. and that's precisely what he has been doing. we don't know exactly why--yet!--but it's quite clear that for some reason of his own he wants all earthmen save himself to leave titan." "gold, maybe?" suggested bud. "oil? _ekalastron?_" "no-o-o, i don't think so. the mineralogists would have detected the presence of any of those when they surveyed titan. his reason is something deeper than that--say! wait a minute! i wonder if it possibly--?" "yeah?" "no, i'm crazy! it couldn't be that. i happened to think of that t-radiation. but i don't believe even grossman is enough of a scientist to have discovered what it is or how it can be used--if at all. well, anyhow--" "anyhow, we're in at the base. and grossman doesn't suspect us. that's part of the job. so--the next move?" "we circulate. we move around and ask questions and snoop and pry and investigate." mulligan grinned. "in the good old rocky russell tradition, eh?" "who?" "rocky russell, i said. don't tell me you've forgot your real name, chum?" rocky russell reached into an inside pocket, brought forth a pair of thick-lensed spectacles, hooked them over his ears. his voice lifted to a high, gentle, hesitant whine. "oh, mercy me!" he simpered. "forgotten my ... er ... real name? but, of course not! i am doctor rockingham roswell. and you are my valet, ambrose." bud groaned. "gawd! all the names in creation, and i've got to be called 'ambrose'!" * * * * * "so you're a doctor?" asked colonel graham. "that's fine. we can use another doctor on this post. glad to have you stay with us, doctor roswell." several hours had passed since the _gaea's_ landing on titan. in that time, much had happened. dr. roswell and his "man" had made their adieux to a scornful captain burke and a highly amused factor grossman, removed their baggage from the cruiser, and accompanied lynn graham to the s.s.p. base a few miles outside the titanian city of new boston. there they had witnessed the surprise meeting of the commandant and his daughter. lynn graham had rightly guessed her father's reaction upon seeing her. she had erred in only one minor detail. she had expected him to turn "pale violet" with anger. the color he _actually_ achieved was somewhere in the apoplectic spectrum between dull scarlet and turkey red. his outraged bellows, replete with invocations to the deities of a dozen worlds and highly censorable, were audible for a good half mile. but eventually--when lynn had pointed out that: (1) she could not return to the _gaea_; (2) she didn't want to return to the _gaea_, and (3) that she had no intention of returning to the _gaea_ even if she could--he calmed down a trifle. and in his brusque kiss of greeting was an affection hardly in keeping with the violence of his protestations. it was then that lynn had introduced dr. roswell and his valet, explaining their desire to stay at the base. confused and bewildered, the commandant had agreed. and now the quartet were gathered in the colonel's private quarters. the colonel, in his own crisp way, was trying to be friendly. "a doctor," he repeated. "that's good. we need the services of a good doctor around here." rocky smiled feebly. "i ... er ... i'm afraid you don't understand, sir. i'm not an m.d., you know. i'm an ... er ... d.m." "d.m.?" repeated graham wonderingly. "what's that?" "a doctor," explained rocky, "of mythology. it's an archeological degree, rather than a medical one. i'm what ... er ... might be called a research student. i gather folk tales and ancient legends, study them, analyze them, and attempt to determine their underlying meanings." he beamed happily from behind his thick-lensed glasses. "a most fascinating hobby," he said. "oh, goodness, yes ... _most_ fascinating!" colonel graham stared at him incredulously. "legends! folk tales! but why on earth--?" red of face, he spluttered into silence. lynn tried to bridge the awkward moment. "what daddy means, doctor roswell, is--why do you hunt down these ancient fables? does your work have any practical value?" rocky's eyebrows arched as if the query caused him a physical pain. "practical value! my dear young lady, of course not! it is purely a labor of love. knowledge for the sake of pure knowledge. er ... _scientia gratia scientiarum_, you know ... that sort of thing. of course--" he shrugged--"once in a while the research of my learned colleagues does contribute a share to the understanding of man's more mundane pursuits, but such occasions are, i hasten to assure you, quite incidental--" colonel graham had recovered his composure. "mythology, eh? well, what sort of legends interest you, doctor? fairy tales? ghost stories?" "well--no," said rocky pedantically. "the tales of greatest interest are those of fabulous monsters ... incredible beings endowed with fantastic powers or attributes. such may be found in the mythologies of any race or clan. not only on earth, but on all the planets have we heard such stories. it is our delight to track down these tales and unearth the germ of underlying truth which created them." * * * * * "you mean," queried the girl, "that behind each folk tale lies a true cause or event or--or creature?" "exactly. for instance--well, let me see--you are familiar with the earthly legend of the phoenix, aren't you?" "the bird which was supposed to have had a life-span of a thousand years, at the end of which time it threw itself into a blazing pyre, from the ashes of which it was reborn?" "that," nodded dr. rocky, "is the legend. quoted as you have told it, it made no sense to earthmen for thousands of years. until, in fact, the year 1987 a.d., when the first martian expedition visited the desert planet. the members of this expedition were amazed to discover a _rara avis_ upon mars impervious to extremes of both heat and cold. a bird with an astonishing life-span in excess of a thousand earthly years. in short ... the archetype of the fabled phoenix!" colonel graham looked interested in spite of himself. "by gad, that's right! the _tulalaroo_ bird. doesn't mind heat or cold, either one. nests in ice or red-hot coals! that's rather interesting, doctor. any more such examples?" "scores! there is the fabled unicorn ... a one-horned gazelle-like animal certainly not indigenous to terra, yet it found its place in the 'unnatural natural history' of not one but a dozen races. whence originated this record of a single horned creature we could not guess .. until we discovered such a beast on venus. "the fabulous 'salamander' turned out to be a common asbestos-like lizard of mercury. aqueous venus solved for us the problems of the mermaid, the sea serpent and the undine. on mighty jupiter mythologists encountered the fire-breathing saurian which gave rise to the 'dragon' myth--" "but, doctor roswell!" gasped the girl, "what does this mean? that once upon a time, countless centuries ago, beasts of this sort roamed earth? or--?" rocky shook his head soberly. "we do not know, miss graham. there are a number of equally valid possibilities. one is that which you have mentioned ... that earth was once host to all the types of animal life now to be found on its sister planets. another is that aeons ago earthmen--or the intellectual rulers of one of the other planets--knew the secret of spacetravel. the factual records of places visited, strange sights seen, would in the musty passage of time become mythology. "still another possibility--" "yes?" "well, it is ... er ... a theory recently advanced by an erudite scholar, but it has elements of fantasy which make it almost incredible. you are ... er ... familiar with the theories of svante arrhenius?" lynn frowned. "i remember the name faintly. didn't he claim life traveled through the ether?" "yes. he put forward, the concept that the life-germ is universally diffused, constantly emitted from all habitable worlds in the form of spores which traverse space for years or ages, the majority being ultimately destroyed by the flame of some blazing star, but some few finding a resting-place on bodies which have reached the habitable stage. "my colleague has carried this theory a step forward, suggesting it is not only the fundamental life-germ which thus travels ... but also individual and distinctive life-forms! he has suggested that from each and every world in every galaxy, occasionally there set forth into the void the spores or eggs of every highly developed life-form. "most of these never reach their destinations. some do. and when these do, unwilling worlds play host to beasts of nightmare mien." iv a babble from the street lifted humboldt grossman's eyes from shrewd perusal of his ledgers. he frowned, rose to investigate the tumult, then stood stock-still in his tracks, startled as the door of his private chamber burst open. a stunted troll with four, gnarled, dangling arms--a native titanian--served as spokesman for the excited group. "a marvel, master!" he jabbered. "behold, a marvel! it was found by one of us in the sand-pits north of the city, captured and brought to you immediately. see, o master, its height, its bulk, its strength." he stood aside and into the room a score of tugging natives hauled a bound and helpless creature. bound and helpless creature? bound ... yes. with yards upon yards of tightly laced metal cord which even now stretched taut over bulging sinews. helpless ... perhaps. it stood quietly, struggling not, but in its very quiescence factor grossman found a swift, disturbing menace. it was still as flood-waters are still, ere, angered, they burst with fury the puny dams constraining them. it was motionless as powerful machines are motionless before, spurred to deed, they ravage all before them. a creature it was. but such a creature. humanoid in form ... male ... but dull of eye as a brain-fogged idiot. it was seven feet tall and half as broad of shoulder, heavy of thigh and iron-strong of bicep. a hercules, an atlas of a man. grossman stared at it strangely. then he turned to his native visitors. "it is a marvel, yes. a great man. but what has it to do with me?" the spokesman cringed forward hopefully. "it has power, o master. you promised us vengeance and freedom when we found you one with strength to fight our cause." grossman's thick face mottled with disdain. "fool!" he spat. "do you call this creature power enough to wage a war? one halfwit giant against a well-armed garrison of humans? take it away. this is not the power i asked for!" the titanian inched another step forward. "wait, o master!" he advised. "wait and see what we have seen! for not yet do you understand. he is still growing!" grossman stared, his tiny, pig-like eyes bewildered. "growing? this giant--growing?" "_yes, master. he is as yet a babe! this monster is less than two hours old...._" v the gunner said, "this yere now four-headed animule jest sorta wriggled its fur, like, an' presto! all of a sudden it ain't no beast a-tall, but a bird! yessirree, jest as sure as i'm tellin' the gospel truth, it turned smack into a purple bird with six green wings an' a lavender tail--" he stopped and aimed an accurate stream of venusian _mekel_-juice at a hapless insect. the insect floundered helplessly. so did rocky russell--inwardly--with his desire to laugh out loud. but he restrained himself, nodding his head sagely as he jotted a transcript of the old trooper's narrative in his little black notebook. at his side, lynn graham protested, "oh, gunner, but _really_! i mean you must be mistaken! animals simply don't turn into birds and fly away--" "this un did!" swore gunner solemnly. "hope to drop dead in my--i mean, cross my heart! an' that ain't all the curious sights i seen in my life, neither. if the puffessor would like to hear another little story--" "i'm sure," said rocky primly, "it would be most interesting. but i hate to trouble you--" "no trouble, puffessor. no trouble a-tall. 'course my throat is gettin' a mite dry-like from talkin' so much. i might could use a sip o' water ... or mebbe a drap o' likker to sorta loosen my tongue--" rocky dug deep, and a coin passed between him and his informant. "please allow me, gunner. and many thanks. we'll have another little chat soon. i'm afraid i must be running along now, though." followed by his two companions, he climbed from the pill-box embrasure in which he had been interviewing the not-too-reliable old patrolman. * * * * * two days had passed since "dr. roswell" and his aide had taken up residence in the base. in that time, rocky had wandered much, talked much, and learned much. slowly he was beginning to gather that accumulation of facts which, he hoped and believed, would ultimately bring the weight of the law to bear on factor humboldt grossman. exactly what grossman's racket was, he _still_ didn't know. but from various and sundry sources he had heard tales of the fat man's greed and cunning, his autocratic domination over a number of the lower-class titanians. in his own small way, and to those rebels he had gathered about him, humboldt grossman was emperor of new boston. it remained to be proven whether or not he could extend his control to embrace the whole of the satellite. emerging from the sunken gunnery pit, the trio found themselves upon one of the metal highways which criss-crossed the little world. to their left lay the squat, grim rows of structures which comprised fort beausejour, the solar space patrol base on titan. barracks, administration and ordnance headquarters, messhalls, dumps and depots mingled in gray heterogeneity behind a strong defense-in-depth calculated to withstand months of siege or any known form of military attack. to their right, several miles distant at the far end of the highway, lay the city of new boston. it was a strange city, a curious commingling of ancient and modern, savage and cultured, alien and civilized. it boasted two tremendous skyscrapers of ultramodern design constructed by earth colonists, but about and around these, clustered like mud-daubers' nests, clung rows upon rows, thousands upon countless thousands, of tiny, dingy, one-story hovels ... the dwellings of the natives. it was into this city rocky russell's investigations now led him. he glanced at his wrist chronometer. "bless my soul! very nearly time for my appointment with factor grossman. you are sure we can use a roller, miss graham?" "positive," answered the girl cheerfully. "i asked daddy yesterday. you wait here; i'll get it and come back." she moved away, giving the two s.i.d. men their first moment of privacy in hours. bud mulligan sighed and fumbled for a cigarette. "so we're really gonna get to see grossman at last? good! how'd he sound when you audioed him for an interview?" "friendly enough," answered rocky. "he said he was very busy, but he'd be glad to give me a few minutes." "did he know what you wanted?" rocky grinned a slow, lopsided grin. "everybody on titan knows by now," he drawled, "that there's a myth-chasing crackpot roaming loose. i'm public joke no. one. which suits me just fine." "yeah," snorted bud disgustedly, "but when this job's done, i'm gonna backtrack and do a little plain and fancy nose-punchin'! like that old spacerat we talked to a few minutes ago--did you ever hear such lyin' in your life? a bird with purple wings an'--" "cheer up!" chuckled rocky. "gunner thought he was giving me the runaround, and for a generally unimaginative old codger he didn't do such a bad job of yarn spinning. he'd be surprised to learn, though, that his wild story is not half so fantastic as some of the honest tales i've heard since i began this masquerade." bud nodded grudgingly. "that's true enough. an', boy, i really got to hand it to you. you talk that doctor-o'-mythology patter like you really _was_ one. sometimes you sound like you really believed in it yourself!" "and the funny part of it is," said rocky, "i almost _do_! as for talking the patter ... well, no wonder! i studied comparative mythologies for three solid months under the best experts in the field before i undertook this job, bud. i know more about hamadryads and demigods and winged horses than old man bulfinch himself! well--" he nodded significantly, and his voice lifted to the high-pitched tones of "dr. rockingham roswell"--"here comes lynn. off we go!" bud shot a swift, appraising glance at him. "oh-ho! so it's 'lynn', now, eh?" fortunately, rocky russell did not have time to concoct an alibi for that slip of the tongue. because the roller was drawing up beside them, lynn was motioning them in. and in a few minutes they were on their way to new boston. * * * * * "you understand," said factor grossman, "i have never _seen_ this creature myself, dr. roswell. i am merely repeating the description given me by some of my friends." rocky nodded, busily jotting in his ubiquitous black notebook the facts just told him by the fat man. "a furry animal," he repeated, "with the netherparts of a horse and the torso of a human. two curly black horns ... cloven hoofs ... is occasionally glimpsed in damp, woodland dells ... excellent!" he looked up, smiling. "very interesting, sir. you have perhaps already noted the similarity between this ... er ... thing and the 'centaur' of greek mythology? amazing, isn't it, that we should find the same ... er ... legendary monster on two worlds separated by so many millions of miles? well, we must organize an expedition to search for this creature. now, have you any other fables to add to my little collection?" he poised his pencil expectantly, his eyes vaguely eager and excited. "we-e-ell, let me see--" grossman stroked a sleek, fleshy jaw--"i heard one the other day about--yes? what is it, grushl?" a titanian had pressed open the door of the factor's private office. he glanced at the guests nervously. "if you please, sir--the thing-that-grows! it has broken its--" "_that will do!_" grossman's voice crackled like the snap of a bulldozer's whip. he rose hastily, bowed apology to his visitors. "if you will excuse me a moment--" he strode to the door, propelled his underling out of sight and hearing. the three guests stared after him in astonishment. "well!" exclaimed lynn graham. "whatever came over him so quickly? why, he turned positively pale!" "you're telling me?" grunted bud. "he looked like he seen his grandmother's ghost ... or his own. what did that guy say? 'thing-that-grows'? what would _that_ be? and what would it break?" "shhh!" warned rocky. "he's coming back.... ah, there factor! everything all right?" * * * * * grossman had been gone but a few seconds, but in that time a change had come over him. his eyes were dark with ... rocky could not tell just what. excitement? or fear? a thin film of perspiration overspread his cheeks, his forehead, his upper lip. he tried to put reassurance into his voice, but the effort didn't quite jell. "quite all right, doctor. a little trouble with ... with a small horticultural experiment we are conducting. but i'm afraid i must ask you to leave now. i have work to do." rocky said, "if i ... er ... can be of any help--?" "no. thank you very much, but this is work of an ... er ... experimental nature. company business, you know." the factor bustled them to the door. "we will meet again. good afternoon." and almost before they had stammered their confused farewells, he had waved to them and lumbered off. "well!" said lynn. "i must say that's the quickest brush-off i ever got ... if not the smoothest." "horticultural experiment," mused rocky. "mmm-hmmm! it's possible, of course, but ... i wonder. bud ... er ... i mean, ambrose--" "yeah?" said ambrose. "i think i'll stay here in new boston for a few more hours. i'd like to ... er ... study the native quarters. perhaps you would be kind enough to escort miss graham back to the fort?" "certainly," nodded bud. "a pleasure. but--" lynn graham had been staring from one to the other of the two men querulously. now she declared herself. "oh, no!" she stated flatly. "you don't get rid of _me_ so easily as all that. doctor roswell--just what's going on here?" rocky fumbled for his glasses. "er ... going on, miss graham? i don't understand--" "neither do i--which is just why i'm asking. first grossman goes into a mild panic; now you two are acting like the masked strangers in act two. not to mention the fact--" the girl pointed out shrewdly--"that for a few minutes you quite forgot to talk like a college professor ... and addressed your alleged 'valet' as 'bud'--" rocky did remove his glasses. but this time he did not breathe on them, wipe them, and replace them as was the habit of "dr. roswell." instead, he shoved them out of sight, and grinned at the girl. when he spoke it was in his natural voice. "all right, miss lynn," he said, "you win. i pulled a boner. now i might as well come clean. i am not doctor rockingham roswell at all. my name is russell ... rocky russell ... and i'm here on titan to--" but not at that moment did he tell lynn graham who he was, and his purpose on the satellite. for suddenly he paused in midsentence, his jaw dropping open, and his eyes widening to match. "lord!" he gasped. "look ... look at _that_!" the others, too, had turned to determine the origin of the rumbling sound. now they saw it. a tremendous motor-roller trundling down the main thoroughfare of new boston. a heavy roller bearing a ponderous burden ... a single, gigantic item. the appearance and purpose of this item was unmistakable, but its size.... "manacles!" croaked bud. "but ... but who ever heard of manacles that size! _that thing is twenty feet in circumference!_" vi humboldt grossman entered the cavern cautiously. it was dark in there, but not altogether dark. the ever-present luminescence of the chamber walls lent an eerie glow by which could be seen the giant figure huddled at the far end. there had been bonds upon the wrists and ankles of this figure, but now the frayed ends of snapped hawsers dangled loosely as the creature pawed fretfully at adamant walls and ceiling. at sight of the monster, grossman faltered, stunned. to the titanian behind him he choked hoarsely, "he--he still grows!" "yes, master. already he must crouch to avoid being crushed by the cavern's roof. each hour he grows faster. in a day ... half a day ... perhaps less ... he will die in here if we do not let him out." grossman smiled. it was not a pleasant smile. "have no fear. before that time, he will be outside--under my control!" he stepped forward into the cave. the creature's eyes turned questioningly toward this tiny mote of life which dared approach him thus, stretched forth a hand to crush the annoying insect. but from a curiously-shapen tube in the insect's claw leaped a lancet of flame. a gout of red agony that scorched and blistered his palm. the giant howled and pulled his hand away. grossman smiled. good! who holds an adversary in fear of pain possesses a slave. now, if only the creature were telepathic--"you!" he thought, his thought directed and intensified by the menavisal unit in his helmet, "have you intelligence? can you understand me?" the giant's answer came back sluggishly. "_i can ... understand._" "that is well. then listen to me, and mark well my words. i am master here. do you acknowledge that?" the creature stirred restlessly. "master? i accept no master. i am master of mine own will." grossman pressed the grip of his haemholtz. a flash of livid lightning seared the subterranean chamber. grossman challenged, "you defy the master of the fire-that-bites?" the giant cringed against the farthest wall. "nay!" he conceded. "you are master. i am your servant." "it is well you understand. for there is work to be done. when it is accomplished, then you will be freed. hear now, huge one, what is expected of you...." vii "manacles!" repeated rocky russell, "manacles twenty feet in circumference! but that--that's impossible! handcuffs for a normal six-foot man measure about six _inches_ in circumference. twenty foot manacles would be used on someone _two hundred and forty feet tall_!" "always assuming of course," lynn pointed out, "that these gyves are to be used on a _man_. which isn't very likely. much more possible that they were constructed for some beast ... some tremendous animal--" "true," admitted rocky. "but even so--imagine the size of that animal! well, that settles it. bud, i want you to take miss graham back to the fort immediately." "and you?" "i'm going to follow that roller." "but there may be danger--" "there undoubtedly _is_ danger," replied rocky grimly, "directed at the patrol ... perhaps the whole of titan. those manacles are somehow associated with grossman's secret. i've got to learn how. you can help best by racing back to beausejour and warning colonel graham to be on guard against any eventuality. keep your portable vocoder tuned to our private wave-length. if and when i learn anything important i'll send it on to you. o.q.?" bud shrugged helplessly. "you're the boss. but i'd rather stay here with you and--" "get going! oh--when you reach the base, take off the lid. tell colonel graham who we are." "and if it's not too much trouble," interrupted lynn graham, "would you mind telling me _now_?" rocky grinned at her, for the last time using dr. roswell's high whine, "oh, mercy, miss graham, you mustn't be impatient. ambrose will tell you as you ride." "_ambrose!_" fumed bud. "ambrose be damned--!" but he was talking to empty space. rocky had already disappeared down the avenue after the gyve-laden roller. fortunately the roller, groaning under its ponderous burden, was not moving very fast. rocky, though on foot, was able to keep it within sight without too obviously appearing to be following it. in the character of dr. rockingham roswell, already known and amusing to the titanians, he dawdled through the city five hundred yards or so in the wake of the burdened vehicle. through business streets he followed it, where eyes turned to follow its passage and furtive titanians whispered to each other behind concealing palms, and--as the squalid little shops thinned out--into the suburban residential districts ... finally quite out of the city proper. out here it was practically impossible to follow the truck without being noticed. once the city's artificial foliage was left behind, the landscape of titan's countryside stretched stark and severe so far as the eye could see ... its drab, sandy monotony broken only by an occasional dune, its dull sameness embellished only by the silvery span of roadbed upon which humans must travel to live on titan. by dropping far behind the roller, rocky was able to keep it in sight for a little while longer. but then his efforts came suddenly to naught as the driver of the truck--a titanian--swerved completely off the lead highway and began rolling across the barren desert toward a hummock outlined on the horizon some miles distant. * * * * * lacking a bulger, rocky was stopped cold. no way to follow, now. but he waited and watched a while longer to assure himself that the swollen rise of ground _was_ the roller's destination, then strolled back into new boston. here he sought the privacy of a 'fresher, and called bud on the vocoder. mulligan answered immediately. "yeah, rocky? everything all right?" "everything's all _wrong_! the confounded roller left the highway and plowed across the gray-and-nasty. having no desire to be cooked into frizzled beef, i gave up the chase." "that's tough, chief. what do we do now?" "i," said rocky, "stay right here. you load a couple of bulgers in a roller and come charging back here as fast as you can. i _still_ want to find out what grossman's hiding in those hills that needs to be tied up with twenty-foot bands of forged steel." "o.q." said bud. "sit tight. i'll pick you up in three shakes." "make it two!" "one," chuckled bud. "i'm practically on my way now." he was as good as his word. rocky had only finished one cigarette when a blue s.s.p. roller came tearing up the highway from fort beausejour. bud jumped out, bulger-clad and carrying a second protective suit for his comrade. "here you are, pal. where do we go from here?" "out of town on the east highway. i'll show you. a hill rising out of--hey, wait a minute! who's driving this crate?" bud looked embarrassed. "oh--she is!" "she?" "miss graham. she--" "--refused," chimed in lynn graham, "to be left out of it. indeed i did. captain russell, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, deceiving us the way you did. when the sergeant, here, told me who you _really_ were, and what you were doing here, i almost _died_ with excitement! and to think that you, a captain in the s.i.d., pretended to be a mythologist! it's the funniest thing--" "miss graham," interrupted rocky impatiently, "there is nothing at all amusing about the job we are engaged in. it is, moreover, no work in which a girl should be involved. you would oblige me by returning to the fort on the first transport bus--" "oh, no! this is a patrol roller, and i requisitioned it in my own name. either i drive it or--" stubbornly--"or it doesn't roll!" "very well, then. you may take us as far as the desert path. but there we leave you. and now, let's get going. we have wasted enough time as it is." rocky motioned bud into the roller. a few seconds later they were speeding noiselessly out on the highway toward the spot where rocky had seen the truck leave the road. * * * * * russell had been keeping an eye on his chronometer for the past little while, estimating the number of daylight minutes left to him. on this little satellite there was no such thing as dusk or twilight. at ninety million miles from sol, there was little enough sunlight. titan's main radiance came not from the sun, but from its own parent planet which, a huge, shining platter in the sky, gathered up and reflected to its tiny satellite the thin illumination from afar ... for all the world like a gigantic, reflecting mirror. titan revolved on its axis in fifteen hours, twenty-three minutes. almost the whole of its day period had elapsed now. shortly.... yes, even as he studied out the problem, night came suddenly and completely to this part of titan. it descended instantaneously, snuffing out the light as a finger presses the wick of a candle. only the stars remained, glowing white in the rich, jet vastness of outer space. the girl reached toward the dashboard instinctively, but rocky's hand clasped about her wrist. "no! don't!" "but--but i was only going to turn on the lights." "i know. but you mustn't. we're getting very close to the spot now. can you see to drive without them?" "why, i--i guess so," said lynn dubiously. she was surprised, herself, to learn that she could. "why, yes! the road stands out like a dark ribbon against the sands on either side. isn't that strange?" "not so strange at that," grunted rocky. "i'm beginning to get an idea about the mysterious t-radiation of this planet. i may be completely wrong, of course, but so far my theory fits all the facts i've observed. there's something i would like to know, though. grossman told us the soil killed humans. i wonder _how_ they die?" "i can answer that. daddy told me the first day i was here. he was warning me against ever leaving the shielded areas ... the fort, the city, the roads. he said that if they wander onto the soil of titan without protection, humans just shrivel up and crumble into dust like--like mummies!" "like mummies, eh!" grunted rocky. he sounded quite well satisfied. "mmm-hmm! then _that_ fits, too. yes, i think i'm beginning to understand a lot of things ... including the reason factor grossman would like to rid this little world of all competitors--" "well, don't keep secrets!" snapped bud. "we'd like to know, too. what's it all about?" "no time now. there's the hill out yonder. pull up here, miss lynn. here's where we leave you." lynn stopped the roller obediently. but as bud and rocky climbed out she asked, "what do you want me to do now? can't i come with you?" "no. you turn the roller around and wait here. we have no idea what we're going to buck up against. we may have to retreat--suddenly. if so, i'll fire three blasts on my haemholtz. two short, one long. if you see that signal, get ready to start moving. we'll come on the double-quick. but if we're being pursued too closely to make it--" "yes?" "then don't wait for us!" ordered rocky. "head for the base and bring the patrolmen. understand?" "all but one thing," complained the girl. "why not send for a platoon of patrolmen right now? why wait until it is too late?" "because," explained rocky patiently, "despite our suspicions, we have as yet no actual _proof_ that the factor is involved in anything shady. the patrol is an organization sworn to maintain the law, not to violate it, riding roughshod over the rights and privileges of citizens. "when we are certain--as i fully expect we shall be shortly--that grossman is implicated in some illegal scheme _then_ we can call in the patrol. but until that time--" "until that time," broke in an oily, taunting voice, "you will play the part of quixotic fools, eh, my dear doctor? but has it never occurred to you that by the time you get the proof you want ... it may be too late to summon help?" rocky whirled, as did his two companions. from the side of the road, where they had lain in dark concealment behind a low escarpment, rose a circle of shadowy figures. the largest of these, a heavy man looming even greater in his protective bulger, approached them. in his left hand he held a flash; its rays glinted upon still another instrument in his right hand ... the tube of a haemholtz burner held steadily upon them. all recognized the newcomer's voice at once. "_grossman!_" viii in the gloom, grossman's features could not be seen behind the quartzite view-pane of his bulger, but by the thick satisfaction in his voice, rocky could guess the complacent smirk lingering on his over-red lips. "yes, my friends," he acknowledged, "grossman. this is somewhat of a reversal, no? the one you came to apprehend has captured you. my dear doctor roswell, did you consider me a perfect fool? did you not know the driver of my roller would report to me that you had followed him to this spot?" rocky said levelly, "not 'doctor roswell,' grossman. my name is russell. captain russell of the s.i.d. and it is my duty to advise you that you stand self-convicted of armed assault upon the persons of legal officers engaged in the performance of their duties. anything you say may later be used against you." grossman laughed. "my soul, captain, you _are_ a cool one! not the same man at all as the learned doctor who was afraid of firearms! it is too bad you have blundered into this situation. i rather admire your effrontery. we could have been friends, i think." "the question," said rocky dryly, "is open to argument." lynn graham bridled, "this is all very high-handed, mister grossman, and very mysterious. what is all this talk of 'capturing' someone? what do you intend to do with us?" grossman said soothingly, "have no fear, miss graham, you will come to no harm. but i fear that for the present i shall be compelled to take you into--well, shall we call it, 'protective custody'? you see, i have--ah--_certain plans_. it would not do for these plans to be overthrown at the final moment. therefore, i must request you to be my guests until i have succeeded in gaining my objective--" "which is," interrupted rocky harshly, "complete control of titan?" "exactly, captain russell." "and its wealth." "and its--" grossman stopped abruptly, the tone of his voice altering. "ah! then you know?" "enough," said russell. "enough to warn you, grossman, that it won't work. this isn't the first time, you know, that an individual has tried to discard interplanetary law and seize control of some rich plum. the penal colonies are full of ambitious men like yourself who thought they could defy the space control. but it won't work, grossman. no man, or group of men, wields sufficient power to defeat the forces of justice and order--" grossman chuckled again, this time delightedly. "you know a little, captain--yes. but not enough! titan will be mine--and soon!--because i have found an ally powerful enough to win me my demands. you doubt? very well, you shall see for yourself. come!" he spun to his little coterie of followers, snapped commands in the strange, guttural tongue of titan. the oddly assorted creatures, some humanoid in form, some frighteningly animalistic, formed a rough guard about rocky and bud. grossman hesitated before lynn. "you have no protective suit? that is unfortunate. it would, of course, be fatal for you to accompany us across the sands without one. yet i cannot permit you to go free--grushl!" "yes, master?" "take the girl to my office building in the city and keep her there until i come. she must not escape, nor may she communicate with any other humans. you understand?" "yes, master." "very well. take her away. and now, gentlemen, if you are quite ready--forward, march!" the titanians behind bud and rocky prodded. helpless in the face of vastly superior odds, the two s.i.d. men stumbled forward off the highway and across the rough desert, toward the hill dully gleaming a short distance away. * * * * * seated at the controls of the tiny roller, lynn graham was thinking furiously as she drove. obviously there was no chance of escaping so long as that flabby-fleshed parody of manhood crouched behind her with a haemholtz leveled on the small of her back. yet somehow she must get away ... get to the fort and bring the patrol.... guile, that was her only chance. take advantage of the slow-thinking titanian's inferior mentality. she turned and smiled back over her shoulder. "have you ever been to the patrol base before?" she asked pleasantly. grushl answered mechanically, "yes. many times--" then the implication of her words penetrated his brute brain. "before? but we are not going to the patrol base." "maybe," retorted lynn airily, "_you're_ not, but _i_ am. just as fast as this roller will carry me." grushl's heavy brows gathered in perplexity. "but, no! you are to drive to the office building, there await the master." lynn laughed. "what nonsense! so long as i am the driver of this roller, i will take it where i wish." "then," said grushl thoughtfully, "i will be forced to shoot you. you must not escape." "but you can't do that," lynn pointed out shrewdly. "factor grossman said nothing about shooting me. he ordered that i was to be kept safely until he came." "yes," pondered the titanian, "that is true. but i see no other way to--" "i am afraid you will have to let me drive to fort beausejour. so long as i am driving, there is nothing you can do to prevent me taking the roller where i wish." grushl, who had been wrestling laboriously with the problem, now suddenly saw the light. his deepset eyes brightened. "oh, no! there is another way!" he cried triumphantly. "_i_ will drive the roller!" "b-but--" cried lynn. "that is the solution. stop the roller. you and i will change places. i will drive; you will move back here." obediently, lynn drew the car to a halt, slipped from the driver's cubicle as the titanian moved from the rear seat to take her place. grushl smiled at her complacently. "you see?" he boasted. "it is really very simple. now i can stop the roller wherever i wish. the master will be obeyed." he reached for the controls laying his haemholtz on the cushion beside him as he did so. that was what lynn had been waiting for. in one sudden motion she leaned forward, scooped up the weapon. "sorry, grushl!" she cried. "but it's you or me--" she slashed the tube down hard upon the titanian's scalp. grushl groaned once, heavily--and sagged. his hands, falling away, dragged at the steering control-stick. in an instant the car jerked into convulsive motion, charged toward the edge of the road. lynn screamed and tugged at the door beside her. in a moment more she would have been carried out across the deadly sands without a shield of any sort. but just as the roller left the road, the girl threw herself through the door ... fell sprawling on the edge of the roadbed. the roller bounced out fifty ... a hundred ... two hundred yards into the desert-land ... then stalled. it lay there, a dark form dimly outlined against the thin iridescence of the soil, a silent vehicle bearing a single, unconscious occupant. lynn graham stared at it dolefully for a few moments. then, because there was no use crying over spilt milk--or lost means of transportation--she turned and hurried toward the city as quickly as possible ... afoot. * * * * * as they approached the hill in the darkness, the two s.i.d. men were aware of much activity going on around them. they heard the cries of foremen, the grunts of laborers, the chuff-chuff of old-fashioned combustion engines, and the high, shrill whining of a single highpowered atomotor. rocky glanced at the new boston factor inquisitively. "mining, grossman--already?" grossman chuckled. "mining, yes. but not for what you think. before we mine for wealth, we must mine for power." "mine for power?" "you shall see in a moment what i mean." grossman motioned one of his native aides to him. "ho, there! he is secure? the mighty one is shackled as i commanded?" "yes, o master. he is bound wrist and ankle." "good! and the excavation?" "proceeds on schedule, master. by dawn it should be finished." "that is well. for if he still grows--" "he does, o master!" "--dawn will be none too soon. the cavern will no longer hold him." bud whispered to his friend and superior, "say, what goes on here? what are they talking about?" "if i'm not greatly mistaken," answered rocky, "the thing for which those manacles were made." verification of his guess came almost immediately. again their guards prodded them forward, and behind grossman they entered a passageway dipping into the side of the hill. through an ancient tunnel, damp and malodorous, they marched, debouching finally into a gigantic cavern ... a huge bubble of emptiness blown into the solid rock in some forgotten geologic age of change. and there at last before them stood.... no ... it did not stand. there was no longer room for it to stand upright in an underground cavern whose roof was but three hundred feet high. it crouched. it knelt upon all fours like a great, mute beast; knelt and stared with dumbly questioning eyes at the tiny motes now entering its lair to look upon it. it had been secured, as the titanian had said, with great metal manacles, from the welded joints of which stretched mighty chains so huge that a man might walk upright through a single loop. its wrists were also gyved, and a length of chain swung between the two. but it made no effort to fight these bonds. it just crouched there in the strange semi-gloom, watching with pale-gleaming eyes the movements of its self-proclaimed master. subconsciously rocky russell had been expecting just some such revelation as this. even so, it was one case where realization of an idea far surpassed speculation. a gasp of sheer astonishment wrenched itself from his lips; he stared at the giant with shocked incredulity. "colossus!" he choked. "lord--the colossus himself, come to life! grossman, where did you find this--?" grossman smiled urbanely. "not a bad name for him, captain. your brief period of masquerade as a mythologist apparently left some impression on you. colossus--yes! but this time no brainless monster of brass. a living creature, intelligent and obedient to my commands. you, there!" he turned and addressed his slave, again utilizing the menavisal unit. "you know your orders? you know what must be done?" * * * * * the creature had telepathic power commensurate with its bulk. the mental answer came rolling into the brains of the earthmen with almost audible force. "_i know my orders. i know what must be done._" "and who is master? whose will must be obeyed?" this, thought rocky with swift distaste, was sheer braggadocio, and typical of grossman. it was not necessary to bludgeon a servile answer out of the gigantic captive. he had already proven his point. but if the question had been intended to elicit a humble deference, it failed in its purpose. for the colossus did not answer. instead, it continued to stare down at its accoster mutely, speculatively. almost, thought rocky, defiantly. "well?" repeated grossman. "who is master here?" and this time, whipping a tube from his holster, he accompanied the question with a rapier-like lash of fire that swept across the colossus' hurriedly upraised palm. for at sight of the gun, at the crackle of the heat-beam, the giant had begun to stammer a hasty answer-"_you, o master! you are master! you--_" and then, as suddenly as it had begun--it stopped! and over its features spread a strange, strained look. what that expression meant, rocky could not guess. it seemed to mirror surprise. vast, pleased surprise. the giant lifted the palm across which grossman's ray had swept and studied it with sluggish interest. it drew a finger of its other hand across what should be a badly burned piece of flesh ... and began smiling. it was an evil smile. there was no mirth in it. just grim, savage exultation. and determination! then deliberately it reached forward--and attempted to grasp grossman! this time it was the factor who fell back hurriedly. a cry burst from his lips, he pointed the haemholtz at the giant and coldly, murderously, turned its ray to the maximum concentration. the air of the confined quarters seethed and crackled with blistering heat as the livid flame blasted its way to its target. but the colossus ... _laughed_! it was the first time human ears had ever heard a sound from that inhuman throat. nor did those who heard it ever want to hear it again. from those great, gaping lips towering yards above them peeled a deep-pitched torrent like the simultaneous rolling of a thousand summer thunders. it was a sound to batter, blast and deafen the eardrums. were it not for the bulgers in which they were clad, the earthen would in that moment have been stricken with instantaneous deafness. as it was, rocky's ears rang fearsomely with the vibrations of the colossus' laughter, muted, as the sound was, through his helmet diaphragm. and grossman's flame ... meant nothing. the colossus ignored it as if it were a dancing sunbeam briefly flickering across his flesh. again he stretched forth an avid, clutching hand.... grossman screamed aloud in panic fear ... and ran! into the narrow tunnel he darted, where that mighty hand could not follow and close about him. through the tunnel, out and up from the depths of the underground cavern. behind him ran the unguarded duo he had called his captives. at the mouth of the tunnel, attracted by the tumult, were gathered a knot of titanians. to these grossman panted swift commands. "the mouth of the tunnel ... close and block it immediately. the colossus has gone mad. and the excavation, stop working on it!" "but, master ... it is almost finished!" "all the worse! fill it in again. he must not break free. he will destroy us all!" grossman turned to rocky and pawed at him beseechingly. "russell, call the base! tell the colonel to send men here ... guns! this creature--" * * * * * russell said sternly, "rather sudden change of heart, grossman. a few short minutes ago the colossus was your ally, the aide through whose efforts you were going to force the patrol off titan and gain sole possession for yourself." "that doesn't matter now. i was ambitious ... yes. i had dreams of being a king, an emperor. you know why, russell. you are a clever man. you guessed the reason for the t-radiation. but i did not dream, when the egg was hatched two days ago, that its occupant would continue to grow ... and _grow_ ... and grow!" grossman's voice rose hysterically. "it is a madness from space, come to kill us all. i thought at first i could use it, bend it to my will. it was afraid of flame. but now it has grown too large, its flesh too thick, to mind such puny weapons. it is strong, russell ... inconceivably strong. it is practically invulnerable--" bud said, "but what you're doing ought to hold it in check. if you bury it alive ... don't feed it..." "feed it!" grossman laughed mirthlessly. "it doesn't _need_ feeding! don't you understand ... it has never been fed a mouthful in its life!" "never been--!" rocky stared at the shaking factor. "but--but do you realize what that means? it does not eat--yet it continues to grow. from _somewhere_ it must be deriving the nourishment to gorge its cells. from somewhere--" "rocky!" bud's voice interrupted him suddenly. it was a voice cracked with terror and strain. "rocky--quick! we've got to get out of here! look! the earth! quaking--" his warning was superfluous. all present had experienced the trembling at the same time, a violent, insistent rocking of the soil beneath their feet. now gaunt titanians, panic-stricken, were fleeing in all directions. grossman had stumbled and fallen to his knees. rocky bent over him, lifted him by main force and howled into his ear, "a roller, grossman! you must have a private roller somewhere around here! where is it?" "o-over there!" the factor pointed uncertainly at a gray bulk dim in the gloom. "then come on!" snapped rocky. "we've got to get to new boston!" "n-new boston? the city? but--but why? we want to get to the patrol base--" "new boston," rocky grated, "first. that's where you sent lynn graham--remember? gad! i didn't think he could do it! but he is! start this roller, grossman, and let's get out of here--quick! look! the colossus--" * * * * * the others stared, and a little whimper escaped grossman's slack lips as he saw the final act of the drama which had begun with the trembling of the earth beneath them. the thin iridiscence of the hillside was seamed and cracked with a myriad of tiny black veins. the whole hummock quivered and trembled as though stricken with some petrologic ague. and then, suddenly, with a crash like that of rolling doom, the whole crown of the hill seemed to erupt explosively before them. gigantic boulders ripped loose from ancient bedrock and raced wildly down tattered slopes. a myriad tiny fragments burst skyward, sifted down as a hail of deadly debris. there came the rending, tearing, grating sound of stone grinding against stone ... cacophonous background for the cries of maddened titanians, the screech of roller motors roaring into action, the moans of injured and dying natives. then-then colossus burst from the womb of the hampering earth! rose to stand upright in the prison he had outgrown. he shook himself, and detritus scattered about the terrified watchers. he raised a great palm, and with demoniac deliberation brought it squarely down upon a tiny band of huddled and terrified natives. when he lifted his palm again ... it dripped redly! rocky thrust the fumbling grossman from the controls. "move over! let me at the stick--" in a flash he had started the roller's motor, sent the speedster tearing headlong and recklessly across the broken desert flooring. not a moment too soon. for the colossus, having once shed blood, now swung into a literal orgy of savage destruction. like a huge, brainless automaton he flailed the hillside about him clean of every moving thing ... beating with gigantic, steel-hard fists at anything and everything he saw, until that thing lay like a flattened pulp upon the ground. and all the while horrendous laughter peeled incessantly from his contorted lips. laughter which carried to new boston, miles away; even to the patrol base beyond the city. laughter which struck terror into the hearts of listeners who did not know as yet--happily!--whence it came, or the awful fate which lay in store for them. for colossus wearied, now, of lingering in his pit. he placed a palm on either side of the chasm he had opened for his escape, and vaulted easily to the surface. the enormous manacles with which his captors had hoped to hold him dangled uselessly. the ground shuddered beneath him. where his feet met earth they forced depressions. colossus was drawing sustenance, now, at ever-increasing speed from the soil which fed his odd, unnatural appetite. already he was taller than new boston's highest building. more than a quarter mile he towered into the air. and still he grew.... ix lynn graham, plodding at long and weary last into the outskirts of the city, wondered again--with the vague, dull incuriosity which was the only emotion of which her exhausted brain was capable--what had been the meaning of those sounds she had heard from the desert wastes behind her a few hours ago. it was all very mysterious ... mysterious and alarming. first had come the wails. not wails, really, but dreadful, ear-splitting howls like the bellowing of some monstrous beast. then out of the darkness behind her had come hurtling a small roller. a madly ricocheting vehicle without lights. she had attempted to signal the driver ... but in vain. as well try to hitch a ride on a runaway comet as on that speeding car. and now? now she was entering a city which ought to be asleep, but, instead, was seething with furious activity. lights shone from the windows of buildings, shacks, stores. crowds congregated at corners, huddled groups of frightened figures that looked astonishingly like mobs of refugees. it was as though a mass-panic had seized the entire city. earthmen gathered their families fearfully about them; titanians scurried, slithered, hobbled in every direction in helter-skelter confusion. vainly lynn accosted passers-by in search of an explanation. her queries were met with terror-numbed stares, with mumbles, with incomprehensible mouthings. "_we heard.... danger approaching.... someone said.... must leave the city.... they told us.... giant beast.... death...._" despairing of ever learning the truth from such informants, lynn fought her way to a public audio booth. after a longer-than-usual wait, her call was put through. over the selenoplate she stared into the worried eyes of her father. a prayer of relief and gratitude escaped the colonel as he recognized his caller. "lynn! thank the lord you're safe! i've been worried sick about you. and so has that young doctor--" "rocky? you mean he and bud escaped? they're with you at the base?" "roswell--i mean _russell_--is. mulligan has gone out with the fleet on scout patrol." "f-fleet?" stammered lynn. "scout patrol? daddy--what _is_ this all about? i seem to be the only person on this world who doesn't know what's wrong--" * * * * * a voice at the other end of the wire said politely, "may i, sir?"--and colonel graham's face faded back to be replaced by the grave, sharp-lined features of the young s.i.d. captain. "lynn--" he began, and even in that tense moment lynn graham found time to wonder that he had dropped all pretense of formality--"lynn, we are all in the gravest peril. colossus has broken loose!" "co-colossus?" "the _thing_ for which those manacles were forged. it turned out to be a giant humanoid. bud and i saw it. it was more than a thousand feet tall when it escaped grossman. now it has more than doubled that height!" lynn gasped. "but--but where is it?" "after it broke from its underground cell it headed west. for almost seven hours it has been roaming the planet wildly and at will. it completely destroyed the mining-town of hawesbury and the villages of placer and dry ditch." "but aren't we doing anything to stop it? it must be destroyed--" "three flights are out looking for it. two haven't been able to contact it at all ... the third is unreported. we fear that flight ... found it!" russell's voice was more sober than ever. "lynn ... our weapons seem to be useless against it. its skin is incredibly tough, hard, resistant. heat does not bother it, and our heaviest he shells are like pebbles upon a hippo's hide." "but there must be _some_ way--" "there has _got_ to be some way," nodded russell, "for if we don't find it ... and soon ... titan will be a dead world, peopled by a single, monstrous entity. now--" he abandoned explanations for a more immediate problem--"you stand tight. i'm coming to new boston to get you." "oh, that's not necessary. i'll hire a transport." "there's no such thing. the road between here and the city is and has been thronged with refugees for hours. i don't believe there's a commercial roller left in the city. because, you see--" "yes?" pressed lynn as he hesitated. "never mind. i'll be right there for you." "you were going to tell me something, rocky. what?" "well," said rocky reluctantly, "i guess you'd better know. according to the seismograph, colossus has almost completed his circumambulation of titan ... and is on his way back toward new boston. you must be very, very careful. and now, good-bye! see you later!" the circuit faded, and he was gone. lynn stood for a moment thinking swiftly. then she decided. better to _do_ something than to just sit waiting ... waiting ... waiting ... in a city gone mad with fear. she would start toward the base _now_, meet rocky on the way. having made her decision, she turned quickly and took her place in the jostling throng pressing southward.... * * * * * rocky, moving north on the new boston safeway, as he wormed his roller through the ever-thickening mass of panicky titanians and terrified earth colonists rushing to the safety of the base was once again--for perhaps the hundredth time--trying to grasp that elusive half-thought which had lurked in the back of his brain ever since colossus had broken free. something grossman had said--grossman who now cowered in a patrol cell, far from the haughty, autocratic figure he had pretended to be--had brushed a spark in rocky's mind. but now that spark had dulled, and rocky could not recapture it. it had something to do with colossus ... it suggested some means of combating.... "_damnation!_" the hordes of refugees had been parting like a flesh sea before him ever since he left the fort gates. but now the numbers were becoming so great that he could not move the roller through them except at a crawl. he realized this, and gave up the unequal struggle. he called an earthman to him. "here, you--can you drive a roller?" "yes, indeed, sir!" "then take this back to colonel graham at the fort. tell him captain russell is going ahead on foot." the colonist stared at him strikingly. "you--do you mean you're going back toward the city, sir? but you can't do that! it--it's suicide. they say a huge monster, ten miles tall, is coming to smash the city to pieces--" rocky said tightly, "never mind that now. you give my message to the commandant--_understand_?" and he climbed from the car and forced his way against the tide, northward on foot. it was as he was pressing along that he thought of bud mulligan, who had gone out with "b" flight in an effort to find and destroy--or at least delay--colossus. thinking of bud reminded him that they wore on their persons the means of constant communication. the chances were greatly against bud's being on the beam, but it was worth a try. he took the miniature vocoder from his breast pocket and activated it on the secret s.i.d. wave-length. vastly to his surprise, he got an immediate reply. "o.q., chief! where in tophet have you been? i've been buzzing you for the past hour and a half!" rocky signaled back, "where are you, bud?" "look north," ordered bud, "and east ... about thirty thousand elevation. if you see five black dots in the sky, they ain't asterisks--they're us. flight b, keeping an eye on the mountain that walks like a man." "then he--he's in sight?" "how can you miss him? he's bigger than the landscape. can't you see him yet?" "no." "well, i'm afraid you will. he's heading your way now. keep an eye on the horizon and--" a sudden roar rose from the throngs swarming the safeway. it was a roar of fear, but deeper even than the note of fear was that of awe. rocky, looking up from his vocoder swiftly, beheld two things simultaneously. first--the dawn of a new day. saturn-rise, breaking swiftly, suddenly, over the horizon, brooming all shadows in its path immediately. and the second phenomenon- * * * * * colossus! colossus rising over the horizon ... a head, then mighty neck, broad shoulders, naked torso ... rising from the other side of the world like a vast, bestial nightmare. a tremendous colossus whose head was so far above the veiled cloudlets of titan that from time to time he was forced to bob and weave in order to avoid collision with the "rogues," those tiny bits of cosmic debris escaped from saturn's ring which besprinkle space in the neighborhood of the girdled planet. "rocky!" bud was chattering on the vocoder. "rocky, what's the matter. cx, rocky russell. cx, rocky russell.... are you all right, rocky?" rocky answered slowly, "i'm all right, bud. but i just saw him. we all just saw him. he--he's tremendous!" "you're telling me? see them manacles? he's grown so big they've split in half ... right up the back! they look like the only reason they're hanging on is because they're imbedded in his flesh! and his height.... whew! the navigator here just shot an estimate! over six thousand feet, rocky! colossus is more than a mile high!" rocky said, "keep on the beam, bud, and don't mind if i don't answer you immediately. i'm fighting my way north on the safeway, hunting for lynn. she's in new boston--" "new boston!" bud's voice was horror-stricken. "my lord, no! she mustn't be, rocky! that's where he's heading for right now. he can see it ... he's got a glint in his eye ... a blood-lust.... oh, great gods of space.... rocky!" the voice died in a tiny wail. russell needed no explanation of his agonized words. for he, too, saw the climax of that frightful action. colossus had climbed completely over the horizon, now. there was no doubt he had spotted the city. he seemed fascinated by its twin towers. like a destructive child experimenting with some new toy he leaned over, gripped the spire of the nearest between a massive thumb and forefinger ... and snapped it off! from the shard of stone and metal wherein a few desperate fugitives had taken refuge dropped tiny motes, tumbling hundreds of feet to certain, dreadful doom! rocky could not hear their screams ... but he could imagine them. one of those black fragments _might_ have been ... _could_ have been.... he shook his head doggedly. no! he must not think of such things! lynn still lived. _must_ live! then another sound burst so close to him that for a moment his tense nerves shrieked in agony. a mighty hissing roar ... the explosive blast of a rotor-gun going into action. glancing to his right he found himself beside the very gun-embrasure wherein yesterday--("_lord, only yesterday? not a hundred thousand centuries ago?_")--a jovial gunner had told "dr. rockingham roswell" fabulously genial tales of monstrous beasts. could either of them have guessed that today.... "gunner!" he cried. the old warrior glanced up, identified him amongst the hordes of refugees. "oh, you, puffessor! come on! i'm short-handed here. crew didn't make it afore the attack. if you're still lookin' for fab'lus monsters, here's y'r chance to git some fust-hand experience--" rocky needed no second invitation. a terrible rage was upon him, now. futile to attempt to any longer buck the mob to new boston still more than three miles away. if lynn had been in the city, neither he nor any man could help her now. the only thing he could do was ... avenge her.... he dropped into the pit, and swung instantly into action. "what do you need here? oh--short a prime-loader, eh? all right, gunner--" he spun toward the charge-rheo, jazzed its fill to max, slammed home the breech of the rotor, snapped, "o.q. charge set!" "range," said gunner mechanically, "_fire!_" the beam blasted away. then, and only then, did the old fighter seem to realize what had happened. his leathery old face crinkled, and he stared at rocky in bewilderment. "hey, wait a minute! what's goin' on here? puffessor, where did _you_ ever learn to prime-load a mallory rotor?" "the same place," grunted rocky, "you saw a purple bird with six green wings and a lavender tail! stop loafing! let's give that beast another bellyful. charge set!" "range," said gunner automatically, "_fire!_" a slow grin overspread his face. "comets! looks like i pulled the wrong guy's leg, hey?" * * * * * but not long did rocky work with the gun-crew. came another buzz from milligan, aloft. and this time the s.i.d. sergeant's news was worse than ever before. "it's no good, rocky. neither the groundfire nor our aerial blasts are having any effect on him. heat-beams don't even make his muscles twitch, and as for physical ordnance--the shells don't even penetrate his hide." rocky cried, "but there has to be some way to stop him, bud! he's practically on top of new boston now. after that, he'll turn on the patrol base--" "and crush us all out," conceded bud dolefully, "like a bad kid stamping out an ant-heap. that's all we are to him. just so many ants. no, there's only one way left. the flight leader has decided we've got to use ourselves as human shells, rocky. bullets won't harm him, but if we can smash these ships into some vulnerable spot ... his eyes ... perhaps we can kill him before we ... we...." "_wait!_" cried rocky. "_ants! that's it!_ not _ants_--but _antaeus_! bud, listen carefully! those craft are equipped with repulsor beams?" "why--why, yes, but--" "then contact your flight leader immediately. tell him these are orders. as an s.i.d. agent it is your privilege to take over any command in case of urgency. i want the three ships of your flight to turn on their repulsor beams to maximum strength--and bear down on the colossus!" "b--but, rocky--" "do as i say!" "y--yeah, sure. but if they don't lift him?" "don't be an ass! repulsors are used to move asteroids from trade-lanes, aren't they? colossus is huge, but no bigger than thousands of asteroids! they'll lift him off the face of this world!" "and--and then?" "then we shall see," said rocky grimly, "if i have saved us, or just given us a few minutes' grace. if i'm wrong, he'll fight his way free as soon as the repulsors wear down. but if i'm right--" "well?" "i've got to be right! and now--get going!" "y--yessir!" gulped bud obediently, and disconnected to contact the flight commander of the spacevessels. thus it was that a few moments later, as rocky and gunner lay in their pit watching hopefully, as the unceasing throngs continued to block the safeway, casting fearful looks back over their shoulders as they fled from one doomed place to another, that the five ships gathered together momentarily ... then separated ... then converged on the colossus in a narrow v--their prows invisibly pouring repulsor radiation at the gigantic creature. the reaction of colossus was the only thing which assured rocky his plan was being carried out. for the repulsor radiation was colorless. but as the ships neared colossus, he bent, momentarily, at the middle as if he had suffered a surprise thrust in the belly or groin. then an expression of anger crossed his features. [illustration: _anger filled colossus' face; he flailed with both arms._] the ships were coming in beneath the protection of a cloud-bank, but colossus spotted them. he flailed a whiplike arm at them as a pettish child might sweep at bothersome flies ... but to no avail. the speedy craft swirled away, but kept their prows pointed at his midriff. again colossus struck at them, and smashed one. then a new idea struck him. reaching above his head, by sheer force he tugged from a satellitic course about titan a rogue rock of tremendous size. a rock which must have been every bit of fifteen hundred feet in diameter, a shard of matter hewn into a perfect sphere by long ages in the rings of saturn. this he clutched and aimed at the spacecraft. let it be hurled upon them, rocky knew, and in an instant every spark of life would be dashed from existence as the metal walls of the ships were beaten flat. * * * * * but the sphere was not hurled! it was the colossus who gave way ... not the ships! the cumulative pressure of the repulsor beams caused him to yield, bend, stagger! he tried to regain his balance with a lurching stride forward ... and thus it was that the twin towers, pride of new boston, were destroyed. colossus' left foot descended crushingly upon the buildings ... and when it withdrew a moment later, a yawning hole gaped where had been city streets ... a hole partly filled with the crumbled masonry of the once-proud skyscrapers.... but colossus staggered back one step ... and another ... and still another. then one foot slipped into the air-_and did not descend_! after it went the other foot. and colossus _was off the ground_! off the ground and being pressed farther and farther out into space with every passing moment! a great cheer ... a cheer which had in it half a sob ... rose from the safeway beside the gunnery-pit. rocky russell, glancing up at the hordes who had turned to behold this last-moment salvation, felt a moment of pain strike at his heart. saved! a world ... and all these ... saved. but the one most important person in this or any world.... and then he saw her! she had been fighting beside him in this very pit ... weary, disheveled, eyes haggard ... but still, to him, beautiful! and it could not have been mere coincidence that she saw him at the same moment. their eyes met ... and no longer was there need for words. both knew what the other was thinking ... both accepted the decisions of their hearts gladly. without a word she turned and fled into the circle of his arms. while up above, bud mulligan was signaling desperately, "rocky! cx, rocky russell. dammittahell, where are you? what do we do now? our beams can't hold this mountain up here forever? what do you want us to--_great guns of grief!_" colossus ... _dwindled_! like a tinfoil effigy held over a flame, his tremendous bulk began to slough away. it did not fall off in chunks or clots. there was no destruction of his flesh, not horrid streams of blood flowing from open wounds. colossus simply ... _disappeared_! a mile-high roaring monster, pinned on invisible repulsor beams ... then a half-mile creature screaming in panic ... then a massive thing a thousand ... five hundred ... fifty ... five ... two feet tall. then a small, gray, shapeless wisp hanging like a shredded tatter in space ... a sudden, silent puff of flame ... then nothing.... _so found its final resting place the thing which came from afar. the thing which, in accordance with the theories of a scientist it had never heard of, had journeyed through black space to spawn on a hospitable world._ _so ended another of nature's blind attempts to convey a life form from one galaxy to another. so ended--colossus!_ x afterwards, bud mulligan said solemnly, "if you didn't see it very plain from where you was, i ain't going to explain what it looked like. it was ... well, ugly. that's all. what _i want_ to know is ... how did you know it would dry up and crumble away if we could lift it off the ground, rocky?" russell grinned. he said, "i suppose you'd be highly chagrined to learn it was really you who gave me the idea?" "me?" "yes. when you mentioned 'ants'. the word reminded me of a dim thought i had been trying all day to recapture, without success. it reminded me of--antaeus." "aunty _who_?" "antaeus. you'll find his story in the folk-tales of our mother planet, earth. hercules, while engaged on his famous 'labors' met this giant in mortal combat. antaeus was a son of mother earth, and from her he derived his tremendous strength. each time hercules felled him, he grew larger. at last the hero discovered antaeus' secret, and overcame him by lifting him completely above his head. antaeus then dwindled ... as did our own colossus...." "comets!" gaped bud. "that's exactly what happened? but why?" "because," explained his friend, "colossus devoured not _food_, as we do--but _energy_! raw, radiant energy. titan not only fed him ... it gave him a _banquet_! the storage-battery which is this planet--" "eh?" interrupted colonel graham, startled. "what's that, captain? storage-battery?" "yes, colonel. that is the secret of titan, the secret grossman learned and hoped to capitalize on after he had frightened or forced all other earthmen ... including the space patrol ... off this globe. "titan is not simply a world ... it is a gigantic storage-battery! its 'acid seas' and 'metallic mountains' are a parallel of the simple voltaic cell. the mysterious 't-radiation' is nothing more nor less than constantly reversing polarity on a gigantic scale. humans are destroyed by it for the same reason they die in an electric chair. titanians can endure it because they are endowed with the physical characteristic of being 'poor conductors.' "colossus _fed_ on this steady stream of current, and in him electrical energy transmuted into matter. how, we do not know ... nor will we ever, now ... unless some day another of colossus' race is cast by the tides of time upon the shores of one of our solar planets...." "which," whispered bud, "god forbid! well, it just goes to show you, everything happens for the best, doesn't it? i mean, if you hadn't masqueraded as a doctor of mythology so we could trap grossman and shove him into clink, like he now is--" "i might not have guessed," acknowledged rocky, "the reason for colossus' bulk. yes, that's right. but speaking of myths--" he turned to the girl. "oh, it's not _you_ i want to ask, but your father. i would like to know, colonel graham ... have i permission to track down one final 'myth' as 'dr. roswell' ... and make her become 'mrs.' russell?" colonel graham smiled. "well, captain--" he began. but bud interrupted him, groaning. "migawd, what a terrible pun! you had to stretch that one a mile, rocky!" it was then that lynn graham proved herself a suitable future wife in all respects. for she smiled gently, and: "well, why not, bud?" she demanded. "according to the old adage ... 'a myth is as good as a mile'...." transcriber note: as the limitations of a plain text file preclude the usage of superscripts, a caret character has been inserted before all superscripted letters. for example: 100^3 for 100 to the third power. [illustration: cover] [illustration: _we stared--frozen--at the great face above us._] _up from the horror of hiroshima came a god. he gave the people hope and for this they killed him--as they have always killed their gods._ the image and the likeness by john scott campbell shanghai had changed. we sensed that the moment we came ashore. extraterritoriality was long gone; we had known that, of course. the days of exploitation, of clubs where chinese and burmese and indian servants waited on britons and americans were passed. pan-asia had seen to that. this was 1965. the white man's burden in the east had been upon brown and yellow shoulders for over sixteen years now, and the indians and burmese and indonesians were ruling themselves, after their fling at communism in the fifties. the initial bitterness which followed the debacle of 1955 had passed, we were glad to see. porters no longer spat in the faces of white men. they were polite, but we had not been in the city a half hour before we sensed something else. there was an edge to that politeness. it was as major reid had written before we left san francisco--a subtle change had come over asia in the previous few years. they smiled--they waited on us--they bent over backwards to atone for the excesses of the first years of freedom from foreign rule; but through it all was an air of aloofness, of superior knowledge. baker put it in his typically blunt british way. "the blighters have something up their sleeves, all right. the whole crew of them. did you notice that rickshaw boy? when i said to take us to the hotel, he answered 'yes, today i take you'. the major was right--there's something in the wind, and it's damned serious." we were sitting, surrounded by our luggage, in our suite at the new china hotel. there were four of us: llewelyn baker, walter chamberlin, robert martin, and myself, william cady. baker and martin were anthropologists, and old china hands as well. chamberlin was a geologist, and i claimed knowledge of zoology. we were here ostensibly as a scientific expedition, and had permission from the republic of east asia to do some work on celebese man, following up the discoveries by rance of bones and artifacts on that east indian island in 1961. we had another reason for coming at this particular time, although this was not mentioned to the authorities. our real objective was to find out certain things about new buddhism, the violently nationalistic religion which was sweeping pan-asia. new buddhism was more than a religion. it was a motivating force of such power that men like major reid at the american embassy were frankly worried, and had communicated their fears to their home governments. the pan-asia movement had, at first, been understandable. at first it had been nationalism, pure and simple. the asiatics were tired of exploitation and western bungling, and wanted to rule themselves. during the communist honeymoon in the early fifties, it was partly underground and partly taken over by the reds for their own purposes. but through everything it retained a character of its own, and after '55 it reappeared as a growing force which was purely oriental. or at least so it seemed. our job was, among other things, to find out if russian control was really destroyed. we had already made several observations. the most obvious was the number of priests. yellow robed buddhist priests had always been common, begging rice and coppers in the streets, but in 1955 a new kind appeared. he was younger than his predecessors, and was usually an ex-soldier. and his technique was different. he was a salesman. "rice--rice for buddha," he would say. "rice for the living buddha, to give him strength. rice for the great one, that he may grow mighty. rice for the strength to cast off our bonds." and they had organization. this wasn't any hit or miss revival, started by a crackpot, or by some schemer for his own enrichment. there was direction back of it, and very good direction too. we sensed that it had been japanese, at least at the start, but with the end of the occupation, we could no longer barge in and investigate officially. now there were treaties to respect, and diplomatic procedure and all that sort of thing. instead, we were here to spy. unofficially, of course. the ambassador was very explicit on that point. we were strictly on our own. if we were caught, there could be no protection. so here we were. four scientists investigating celebese man, and trying to find out, on the side, just what was back of new buddhism. we washed up, had dinner, and presently, as we had expected, major reid called. after a few jocular references to anthropology, for the benefit of the waiter, he got down to business. "i'll have to be brief," he said, "because i can't spend too much time with you without stirring up suspicion. you all know the background. they claim that this business is simply a new religion, a revival of buddhism modeled to fit new conditions. president tung claims that there is no connection between it and the state. we think differently. we have reason to believe that the direction back of this movement is communism, and that its ultimate object is military attack on the western world. what we don't know is the nature of the proposed attack. some of us suspect that they are making h-bombs, and have covered up so that we cannot spot them. that's what we must find out. "the headquarters of new buddhism is on a small volcanic island called yat, off the east coast of celebes. your job is to reach that island and find out what's going on, and then bring the information back. clear?" we nodded. we had received a similar briefing in washington, and from a far more distinguished personage than major reid, but we felt no need of mentioning this. in such a business, gratuitous information, even to friends, serves no useful end. * * * * * our informant in washington had told us a good many other things, too. in the name of new buddhism, the priests had been collecting immense quantities of supplies, and on an increasing scale. tons of foodstuffs had been gathered and then shipped off to an unknown destination. machinery, lumber, structural steel, canvas by the thousands of yards had been purchased, loaded onto ships and barges, and spirited away. it appeared that the new buddhists were maintaining a standing army, or perhaps a labor force somewhere east of borneo, but the picture was very incomplete. part of the failure of ordinary methods of intelligence may have been due to the supersecrecy of the new buddhists themselves. it was not difficult to corrupt priests on the lower levels, but all they knew was that certain quotas of food and materials were set for their territory, which were then shipped away to borneo. the big break had come only a few months ago. one of the oss men got through to a barge captain, who had been to the headquarters itself. he identified the location as an island a few miles off the northeast coast of celebes. it was, he said, highly mountainous--in fact he believed it to be an extinct volcano, with a water filled crater reached only by a narrow passage from the sea. boats, he said, could go in and out, but his barge was not among those permitted. he delivered his cargo, three thousand tons of rice and five thousand raw hides, and was then sent on his way. under questioning, he said that there were many people living on the island--thousands at least. most of them lived in barracks among the trees fronting the ocean, but some had special privileges and were allowed to go to the top of the crater rim. of the activities within the crater our informant knew nothing. at night the clouds were often lit by reflections from there, and once he had heard noises, accompanied by a distinct shaking of the earth, as though blasting were being done at a great depth. this was the extent of our knowledge. we knew the location, but it was up to us to find out the rest. our departure from shanghai for the great island of celebes involved the usual exasperation of delay and red tape. the american embassy did everything possible to expedite matters, and brought a little pressure to bear, i think, on the strength of the then impending american sixth loan to china. in any case we were at last cleared, and boarded the plane for celebes. we took one of the six place compartments on the upper deck, and presently had company in the form of two yellow-clad new buddhist priests. baker, who had the best command of chinese, engaged them in conversation. as we had expected, they were very willing to talk, and displayed a lively interest in celebes man. that they were here to watch us was obvious. baker bided his time, and then switched the conversation to new buddhism. on this subject too the priests were anything but reticent. they described with enthusiasm the great spiritual renaissance that was sweeping all asia "like a wind, the breath of life from the living buddha." baker asked a few questions about the buddha, since to show no curiosity about such a life subject might excite suspicion. the priests were ready for them, and gave what was evidently the stock answer: the living buddha was the very incarnation of gautama himself, a spiritual leader who was being groomed to take over the guidance of all mankind, in east and west alike. "where does the great one live?" asked baker, alert for a trap. "in celebes, where you are going," was the reply. "oh," said baker innocently, "then perhaps it could be arranged for us to meet him?" this, explained the priest, was quite impossible. in due time buddha would display himself for the world to see and marvel over; meanwhile, while his preparation was yet incomplete, he must remain in seclusion. by now convinced that the presence of the priests was no accident, baker settled down to the sort of verbal sparring match that he enjoyed. he had been speaking in the cantonese dialect, but now he abruptly switched to english. "you know," he remarked, "you fellows are using an amazing amount of material at your headquarters. enough food to keep a good sized standing army." the two priests, who had professed ignorance of english at the start of the conversation, stiffened visibly. baker returned to chinese. the priests recovered their composure with some effort. the older replied suavely, "gossip is a creative art. there is a large monastery at our central temple, and much is needed to maintain its activities." "truth," said baker pontifically, "is usually disappointing. the imagination changes a mud hut to a palace, and a sickly priest to a demigod." the two priests inclined their heads slightly at this. we watched their expressions. if baker's purposely provoking language brought a reaction, it was not visible. but we had learned one thing: they spoke english but preferred that we did not know it. * * * * * our arrival at new macassar, the indonesian capital of celebes, was attended by the usual confusion and delay. our buddhist friends vanished with a speed which suggested special consideration, while the man from the american consulate was still getting our equipment through customs. this business at length completed, we were escorted to a taxi by the attache and whisked up one of the wide avenues of the city without a question as to where we were to stay. baker and martin stared out the window with studied ease--they knew that something was up, but were content to await further developments. now i noticed something else. the driver of our cab was a european, not a native. i started to frame a question, when, without warning, the car ducked into a side street, swung around two corners and abruptly entered an open doorway in a tall stucco building. both walt and i were half out of our seats in alarm, when our guide spoke. "the american consulate, gentlemen," he said, with the slightest trace of a diplomatic smile. the cab had stopped in the ground floor garage of the consulate, and opening the door was the consul himself. "good morning, i'm stimson. hope avery didn't give you too wild a ride, but i thought it best not to advertise my interest in you at the front door. things have changed a bit in the last few days. well, avery will show you to your rooms. i'll be in the upstairs study when you're freshened up." there was little to speculate on as we shaved and changed to less rumpled clothes, but we worked over the available data for what it was worth. "consul takes us in tow," remarked chamberlin. "that isn't in line with the unofficial status so strongly impressed on us at washington." "and sneaking us in through the back door isn't according to best diplomatic form, either. stimson wants to protect us from something, but obviously doesn't want the local constabulary to know." this from martin. "it seems to me," i ventured, "that they could check the hotels. it shouldn't take them long to put two and two together when we don't show. i'm blessed if i can see what stimson has to gain from this maneuver." baker turned from the mirror where he had been adjusting his tie. "suppose we ask him," he commented. the consul was waiting for us in his study. after the briefest greeting which his official position permitted, he got down to business. "gentlemen, i've had to pull a diplomatic boner of the first magnitude. i refer to the cloak and dagger method of getting you here. but believe me, it was the only way. they're onto your scheme. if you went to a hotel in new macassar, you wouldn't be alive tomorrow morning." "but, the taxi--" began martin. "it gave us a few hours. if i had sent the consulate car, they'd have us sealed off tight right now. i could keep you safe here, or get you on the shanghai plane, but you couldn't make another move. as it is, we have perhaps two hours--with luck." the consul settled back in his chair, evidently gathering his thoughts. we waited, more mystified than before, if that were possible. at length stimson started again. "you're well briefed on the general situation. reid gave me the gist of his conversation. but there are some other things that even reid doesn't know." he opened a folding blotter on his desk and drew out an eight by ten photographic print. "you're aware of the efforts that have been made to look into the crater on yat. to date we have not succeeded in getting an eye witness to the rim. we have flown over yat, of course, and have taken pictures from every altitude from 5,000 to 70,000 feet, but so far they have outsmarted us. they have smoke generators all around the rim, which they fire up night and day whenever the natural clouds lift. we've used every color, including infra red. we've taken stereo pairs, and flash shots at night, but, with one exception, all we've ever gotten are beautiful pictures of clouds and smoke. the exception i have here. it was taken two weeks ago, during a brief break in a heavy storm. before i say anything more, i'd like to have you look at it and form your own opinions." he placed the print on the desk, facing us, and leaned back while we four crowded around. my first glimpse was disappointing. fully two thirds of the picture was occupied by clouds. but gradually i made out the details. there seemed to be several buildings of uncertain size in the lower part, and a fringe of brush extending up to the left. half visible through the mist were several structures which seemed to me, in comparison to the larger buildings, like chicken houses or perhaps rabbit hutches. no humans were in sight, evidently because of the storm. but in the center of the picture was the thing which fixed our attention from the first, leaving the other details for later scrutiny. this was an immense human figure, lying on its side with the head pillowed on its hands in the attitude of the colossal figures of the reclining buddha found in the mountains of china. the body was partly covered by a robe, but whether this was part of the figure or a canvas protection against the rain, was difficult to tell. only the head, hands and feet showed. the face was partly in shadow, but enough could be seen to identify the typical buddha countenance: closed eyes and lips curled in an enigmatic smile. * * * * * we stared at this peculiar picture for a good minute, taking in the details, while stimson watched us. then baker looked up. "what is it?" he asked. "before i tell you our guesses," replied the consul, "i'd like to hear your reactions." "it would appear that the new buddhists are doing the obvious--setting up a buddhist temple. although, except for the statue, you'd never guess it." this from chamberlin. martin squinted closely at the print. "yes, the buildings look more like airship hangars than a temple." stimson raised his eyebrows slightly. "that's an interesting observation," he commented. "wish there were some humans, or something else to give a scale," said baker. "for all we can tell, it could be anything from doll houses and a life sized statue, all the way up to an air base, and a reclining buddha to end all reclining buddhas." there was an expectant pause. stimson, seeing that we had nothing more to add, cleared his throat, glanced briefly out of the window behind his chair, and hunched forward. "this picture was made from an f-180a, modified for photo reconnaissance. the plane was on a routine flight from singapore to mindanao, over a solid deck of clouds. the pilot swung south over yat just out of curiosity. he approached the island at 50,000 feet, using radar, and was about to pass over when he spotted a hole in the overcast. time was 1800--just sunset--but the edge of the crater was well lighted, although the bottom was in deep shadow. more important, the smoke generators had been turned off. obviously the clouds had just parted, and would close in again in a minute. the presence of the f-180a at this particular instant was just one of those one in a million lucky breaks. the pilot realized this. he put the ship into a dive and ordered his photographer to ready the cameras. "the plane approached yat at a speed above mach 1.2, so there was no audible warning, and evidently the island's radar was off, for the surprise was complete. within 90 seconds the f-180a closed level just over the crater and shot past with only a thin stratus layer between it and ground. time over the crater was hardly 10 seconds, and neither pilot nor observer saw anything, but the synchronous vertical camera was operating and four flashes were made during the middle four seconds. then the plane was in the clouds again at a 45 degree climb and a dozen miles towards the philippines before anyone on yat could even get outdoors. "as might be expected there was a considerable protest over this violation of celebese territory, although oddly, it was based on moral grounds rather than national integrity. the protest was signed by the lama of macassar, and demanded neither indemnity nor punishment of the pilot, but asked merely that incense be burned in washington to appease buddha. now of course the lama isn't that naive, or devout. as you may know, phobat rau was educated at harvard and cit, and is a thoroughly trained and tough statesman who knows his way around anywhere, and doesn't believe the theological hogwash in pan-buddhism any more than i do. so it was a question of getting behind his motives. of course, it could be a cover, but our final guess was that the protest was really made for the benefit of the faithful in asia. this opinion was strengthened, at least as far as i am concerned, about a fortnight ago when rau attended the british embassy reception for lord hayes. he didn't avoid me, but actually seemed to single me out as a foil for some of his witty small talk. asked if i was much of a student of buddhist architecture and carvings, and if i had seen the kyoto buddha, or the reclining buddha on the yangtze. he was fishing, of course, but i played it dumb, and presently he gave up. "well, there you have it, at least as far as the picture is concerned. the buddhists were considerably upset, for they tightened up security all over the islands. and then you came into the scene. naturally nobody believed that you were just after celebese man, but the governor granted permission--so easily, in fact, that we got suspicious. americans are no match for oriental subtlety, but we do have a few tricks, one of whom is a code clerk in the macassar foreign office, and from her we learned that you were set for the preferred treatment: to be let in easily, and then knocked off in some painless way. hence the taxi, and the sneak ride here." he paused. "that's the situation to date, gentlemen. any questions?" martin had been studying the photograph. "at what altitude was this taken?" the consul shook his head. "the autorecorder was off. the observer forgot to set it, in the rush." "well, couldn't they estimate?" "they did, but it's obviously way off. the pilot swears that he levelled at 9,000, but that would make these buildings a quarter of a mile long, and the buddha at least five hundred feet. unless you want to believe that they have another willow run on yat, you can't take that figure." another pause. finally baker spoke. "you said you had a guess." "yes, i have." stimson seemed reluctant to speak. "but it sounds so damned fantastic i hate to tell it to you--well, to be short, i don't think that this buddha is a statue." we all sat up. "then what is it?" this from martin. "i mean, not a statue of stone or masonry in the usual sense of the term. i think that it is a portable image of buddha--an inflated gas bag like they use in the easter parade. i think they intend to float it in the air--perhaps tow it--to impress the faithful. if the thing's really 500 feet long, it may be a blimp or a rigid airship with its own motors. but, whatever the details, i think our mystery is just a piece of propaganda for neo-buddhism, although a damned good one, from the native standpoint." we all relaxed. this was an anticlimax. stimson had built us up to something--just what, we were not sure--and then had pricked the bubble. "well, it sounds reasonable," baker finally remarked, returning the print to stimson, "although not particularly dangerous, and certainly not worth risking our necks to spy on. however, i don't think it's good enough to explain all of the supplies that have gone into yat." the consul nodded. "yes, that's the rub. if they hadn't taken such pains to conceal the thing, i'd be inclined to call it just a cover for something else." "maybe it still is," said baker. stimson looked at us carefully, as though making up his mind. "that is where you gentlemen come in," he said finally. "i have reason to believe that our picture has tipped their hand, that they are going ahead with whatever they have planned in the next few days. someone's got to get to yat first--someone who can observe intelligently, and speak the language. my staff is all clerical, and there is no chance to get any cia men now. you're the only ones available." he paused. we looked at each other, and then at baker. he cleared his throat a couple of times, took another squint at the photo, and then spoke. "speaking for myself, stimson, when do we leave?" "that goes for me too," said martin. chamberlin and i nodded. stimson seemed relieved. "i'd hoped to hear that. in fact, i'd have been considerably embarrassed if you gentlemen hadn't come through, because i have a seaplane waiting right now to take you to yat." ii the next two hours passed swiftly. once the decision was made, we all became so involved in the details of preparation as to have no more time for reflection, either upon the nature of what we should find on the island of yat, or the possible personal consequences of our expedition. first stimson briefed us on the geography of our objective. yat was a volcanic island, one of a group strung across the shallow sea east of borneo and north of celebese. it was almost circular, with a diameter of about seven miles, and was entirely covered by a dense tropical forest. the principal feature of the island was an extinct volcanic crater, rising to an altitude of 2,000 feet, at the east end of the island. the crater measured about two miles across, and perhaps a third of its area was filled with water from a narrow channel leading to the sea. photos taken before the closure of yat by the indonesians showed a typical malay isle: cocoanut and mango plantations, with forests of gum and mahogany climbing and filling most of the crater. the entrance channel was narrow and quite deep and the interior lake constituted an ideally sheltered anchorage. on the east coast the land rose steeply in a series of mossy cliffs over which waterfalls poured, while to the west, away from the volcano, plantations stretched inland from the coral beaches. as we studied the pictures and charts, stimson briefed us on the course of action. "your first objective is to find out what they're doing in that crater. are they building some new weapon, or training an army, or what. you'll have geiger counters and a krypton analyser of course, although the analyser is no guarantee in detecting fissionable material production. then we want to know what their plans are, particularly in the next few days or weeks. finally, just who is involved in it? is new buddhism entirely asiatic, as they claim, or has russia cut herself in too?" "you will be landed on the west coast of the island just after sunset. the east, with its cliff and entrance channel is undoubtedly too well guarded, but on the west side, with four miles of flat country, they may depend on defense in depth, so that you'll have a better chance of getting past the beach. the plane will come in low, make a landing just off the breakers and drop you off in rubber swim suits. it will then taxi to the north of the island and make a fairly long stop, to divert attention, since it will certainly be picked up by radar. your job will be to swim ashore, bury the rubber suits, and make your way east to the crater. if you reach the rim, see what you can, and report by radio at any hour. if you don't make it to the top, observe as much as possible on the island, make your reports, and rendezvous with the plane at your landing point at 2400 the next day. if you miss that time, a plane will be back daily at the same time for four days. after that, we will assume that you have been caught." we were driven to the harbor in the same disreputable taxicab which had brought us to the consulate a few hours before. time was a little past three in the afternoon as the seaplane roared down a lane in the swarm of junks, tramp freighters and warships of the indonesian state. we hoped that we were not too well observed; there was no way of knowing until we arrived on yat, and the learning might not be too pleasant. the flight northeast from new macassar was uneventful. we passed over a blue tropical sea, dotted with island jewels. for a time the low coast of the great island of celebes made a blue haze on the eastern horizon, and then we had the ocean to ourselves. at dusk there were still two hundred miles between us and yat, a flight of about forty minutes. pulling down the shades, lest the cabin lights reveal us to a chance indonesian patrol, we busied ourselves with packing the portable radio equipment and putting on our watertight clothing. the last fifty miles were made on the deck--in fact, once or twice the hull actually touched a wave-top. the pilot extinguished the cabin lights and we peered ahead for a first glimpse of our objective. the sky was clear, but the moon would not rise until nine, so that the only indication we had that yat was at hand was a slight deepening in the tropic night ahead and to the right, which the pilot said marked mount kosan, the ancient crater. but no sooner had we gotten this vaguely orienting information, than the flaps were lowered, the plane slowed to under 100 miles per hour, and we touched the water. the co-pilot opened the side door, and we crouched together peering out. the plane taxied over a choppy cross sea toward the shadow of the island, while we squinted through the salt spray. presently the engines dropped to idle, and the rumble of surf became audible. "practically dead calm tonight," said the co-pilot reassuringly. "wind usually dies out at sunset. you won't have any trouble getting through. just watch your step when you're ashore." "that's always good advice for sailors," remarked baker. as the plane lost headway, the white line of surf and the silhouettes of cocoa palms took shape. evidently the plantations came right to the water's edge at this point, a circumstance for which we were all thankful. i was just turning to martin with some remark about this when the pilot called softly and urgently. "we're as close as we can drift safely. jump, and good luck." "righto, and thanks," came baker's voice, and then a splash. i was next. i took a deep breath, and clutched my rubber covered bundle of radio gear. i leaped out into darkness. an instant later i was gasping for air beside baker. two more splashes in quick succession and then the engines picked up speed, the dark shape of the wing overhead moved off, and we were alone. * * * * * for a moment we swam in circles, getting our bearings. baker had removed his glasses for the jump, and so we depended mainly on martin for directions. there was really no need for worry, however, for it soon became apparent that a strong onshore current was bringing us in to the breakers at a good clip. the line of phosphorescence marking their crests was now hardly a hundred yards away. with martin in the lead we began to swim. presently one of the swells picked us up quite gently, moved us forward, and then suddenly exploded into a foamy torrent which tossed us head over heels and left us gasping and spitting sand on the beach. as quickly as possible we got into the shelter of the first ranks of trees. here we dug a hole at the base of a great cocoanut palm and buried the rubber suits and cases of radio gear, along with a small vial of radium d. this had been provided for us, along with the geiger counter, by the thorough mr. stimson as a means for locating our cache when we returned, if we should miss our bearings. it was 7:45 when this chore was completed. we had an hour and twenty-three minutes to moonrise. turning inland, we walked in silence through the grove for a few hundred yards, and then came upon a road. this we recognized, from our map study, as the main coastal highway. we hurried across, rather elated at the progress we were making and a little surprised at the lack of fences or other protective devices on the island. things seemed just too easy. on the other side of the road we encountered a rice paddy, which made the going a good deal more difficult. but after about ten minutes of sloshing through this, we came to a diagonal road, or rather path which seemed to be going our way. thanks to this, by 8:45 we felt the ground rising underfoot and sensed a darker bulk in the shadows ahead, which could only be mount kosan itself. here we came to our first fence, an affair of steel posts and barbed wire, which appeared to be a guard against cattle, but hardly more. after inspecting one of the posts for signs of electrification, we crawled under the bottom wire and started up the slope. "are you sure we're on the right island?" asked chamberlin. "from the security measures i don't think we're going to find anything more secret than a copra plantation." baker shushed him, and whispered back, "we're on the right island, but that's the only thing that's right. this is simply too easy to be true." "well," said martin, "stimson could be all wet. maybe they're just sculping a king sized buddha after all." the slope had now steepened considerably, and further conversation died out in the effort of climbing. the volcano was heavily forested all the way up with mahogany and gum trees, and a dense undergrowth of vines and ferns entangled our feet. twice we came upon rapidly flowing streams. we were perhaps two thirds of the way up when the moon appeared. its light didn't penetrate very far into the dense foliage, but it did enable us to make out the top of the mountain, which took the form of a vine covered outcrop of lava. we altered our course slightly, and at 9:50 p.m. the forest fell away and we faced a rough wall of rock some two hundred feet in height. before tackling this last obstacle, we paused for a rest and some hot coffee from the thermos which was included in our equipment. then, at five minutes past ten, we started the final ascent. the cliff proved to be more of a climb than we had anticipated, and the time was close to eleven before we pulled ourselves up over the last boulder and could look across the crater to the other rim. the last few feet we negotiated with the greatest caution. martin, i think, was first, and he pulled himself on his belly across to the beginning of the inner slope. he lay quietly for a half minute, then muttered something under his breath which sounded vaguely like "i'll be damned", and made way for baker, who was next. i squeezed in beside him, and so we got a look into the crater at the same time. baker, being a very self-contained man, made no audible comment, but i must have, for the sight which met our eyes was certainly the last thing i had expected to see. the crater of mount kosan was filled with steel and concrete structures of gargantuan size, and of the most amazing shapes i had ever seen. i say amazing, but i do not mean in the sense of unfamiliar, on the contrary these incredible objects had the commonest shapes. had it not been for trees and normal buildings to give the scene a scale, i would have sworn that we were looking into a picnic grounds a hundred feet across instead of a two mile diameter plain ringed by mountains 2,000 feet high. the buildings seen in the aerial photo occupied only a small part of the crater--all of the other structures must have been concealed by clouds. * * * * * directly below our perch the rim dropped vertically into deep shadows, as the moonlight reached but half the crater. a thousand yards west of us, where the light first touched the floor, we could make out several clumps of brush or small trees, among which was set a rectangular concrete surface measuring perhaps four hundred feet square, and resting on hundred foot steel columns. near this, and partly supported by the side of the mountain was what appeared to be a great table, of roughly the same area, but standing on trussed columns the height of a thirty story building. in front of this was a chair, if by chair you understand me to mean a boxlike building twenty stories high, with a braced back rising as far again. a half mile along the rim was an even larger structure whose dimensions could only be measured in fractions of miles, which resembled nothing more than a vast shed built against the cliff. next my attention was attracted to a number of objects lying upon the platform immediately west of us. one of these appeared to be a steel bowl-like container some thirty feet deep and a hundred in diameter, like the storage tanks used in oil fields. nearby was an open tank measuring perhaps fifty feet in each dimension, and beside this were the most startling of all--several hundred foot pieces of built-up structural steel resembling knife, fork and spoon. in retrospect, the deduction from this evidence was obvious, but as we stared down at this spectacle, a sort of numbness took hold of our minds. as a later comparison of impressions verified, none of us came remotely near guessing the truth in those incredible seconds. for what seemed like minutes we just stared, and then the spell was broken. walt had squeezed in beside me, where he gave vent to a low whistle of amazement. baker shushed him, and then shifted to a better position, in so doing knocking a rock from the ledge. this started a small avalanche which went clattering down the cliff with a sound, to our hypersensitive ears, like thunder. we all froze in our places, abruptly aware that the moon illuminated us like actors in a spotlight. for a good minute we waited tense, and then gradually relaxed. baker started to say something when without warning the ground beneath us shook, starting a score of rockslides. we recoiled from the edge and braced for a stronger earthquake shock. then suddenly baker uttered a hoarse cry. he was pointing--pointing down into the blackness at our feet where our eyes had as yet been unable to penetrate. something was there, something vast and dim and shapeless like a half inflated airship. then a part of it was detached and came up almost to our level. it moved too rapidly for any detail to be seen--our only impression was of a vast white column large as the washington monument which swung up into the moonlight and then was withdrawn. at the same time the ground quivered anew, starting fresh slides. we blinked stupidly for several seconds, and then became conscious for the first time of the sound. it was like a vast cavernous wheeze at first, and then a series of distinct wet thuds followed by a prolonged gurgling rumble. if these descriptive phrases sound strange and awkward, let me give assurance that they are as nothing to the eerie quality of the noises themselves. we lay glued to our rocky perch, hardly daring to breathe, until the last windy sigh had died away. baker found his voice first. "good god, it's something alive!" chamberlin tried to reason. "it can't be--why, it's two hundred feet high--it's just a gas bag, like stimson said. it's--" he stopped. the thing had moved again, more rapidly and with purpose. the great column rose, then pressed down into the ground and pushed the main bulk up out of the shadows. there was a moment of confusion while our senses tried to grasp shape and scale at the same time, and then it all came into focus as the thing arose into the light. at one instant we were sane humans, trying to make out a great billowy form wallowing in the darkness below. in the next instant we were madmen, staring into a human face a hundred feet wide, that peered back at us from the level of the cliff top! for a second we were all still--we four, and that titanic placid oriental face hanging before us in the moonlight. then the great eyes blinked sleepily and the thing started to move toward us. i cannot recall in detail what happened. i remember someone screamed, an animal cry of pure terror. it may have been me, although baker claims to be the guilty one. in any case the four of us arose as one and plunged headfirst off our rock into the tangle of brush at the top of the cliff. i think that only the vines saved us from certain death in that first mad instant. i know that we were wrestling with them for what seemed like an eternity. they wrapped around my legs, tangled in my arms. they were like clutching hands, holding me back in a nightmare-like struggle, while the thing in the crater came closer. then abruptly i realized that they _were_ hands, human hands seizing us, pulling us back from the cliff and then skillfully tieing us up. it was all over in a moment. the madness was ended. we were once more rational humans, tied hand and foot, and propped against the rocky ledge in front of a dozen yellow-robed men. for a time we just breathed heavily--ourselves and our brown skinned captors alike. then one of the latter spoke. "you can stand now, yes?" baker struggled to his feet in reply. the rest of us did likewise, aided not unkindly, by the yellow-robed men. baker found his voice. "thank you," he said. in the brightening moonlight we looked more carefully at our captors. they were of small stature, evidently japanese, and, by their costume, all priests. baker laughed briefly and glanced at the rest of us. "it would appear," he said dryly, "that we have been taken." iii the leader of the priests indicated by a gesture that he wished us to move along a narrow trail cut in the vines along the rim. i attempted to get another look at the horror within the crater, but the ledge of rock down which we had just fallen stood in the way. we were guided into a pitch black trail which descended steeply into the forest on the outer slope of mount kosan. i lost track of direction almost at once. the trail zigzagged a couple of times, and then i sensed that we were in a covered passage. after a few more steps and a turn, a light appeared ahead, to show we were walking in a concrete lined tunnel. our captors had split themselves into two groups, a half dozen ahead and an equal number behind. soon there appeared a metal door in one wall, which proved to be the entrance to an elevator. we all squeezed in, and were taken down a distance which surely must have brought us near to the crater floor itself. the door then opened, and again we were escorted along a concrete passage. there were many turns. our captors paused before a narrow door with a tiny barred window. this was unlocked, we were directed to enter, and the door clanked shut behind us. for the first few minutes no one had anything to say. we examined the interior of our cell, but found nothing more remarkable than concrete, a small ventilator hole near the ceiling, and a wooden bench along the wall opposite the door. martin found his voice first. "a human being," he said slowly, "as big as the woolworth building!" chamberlin, apparently still involved in his last abortive try at reason said, "but it's impossible. the laws of mechanics--why the biggest dinosaurs were only eighty feet long, and they had to be supported by water. it's a mechanical device, i tell you." "it could have been an illusion," i ventured. "perhaps an image projected on a fog bank, or something similar--" neither walt nor i were very convincing--not with the memory of that face fresh in our minds. we all fell silent again. several minutes passed, when abruptly we became conscious of a movement of the floor, slight but repeated with regularity. a shake, a pause of six or eight seconds, then another shake. baker stood on the bench and put his ear to the ventilator. he heard nothing. the movement came again. shake, pause, shake, pause, like some distant and monstrous machine. i was reminded of the small earthquakes felt in the vicinity of a heavy drop hammer. shake, pause, shake, pause, and then a heavier jolt accompanied by a distinct thud. after that, quiet. "obviously," baker said, "they knew all about us." he was evidently thinking out loud. "probably picked us up on the beach, and then just let us go on, clearing out the guards ahead, and keeping near enough to see that we didn't use the radio. why? maybe to find out how much we knew about the place already. i daresay they know one thing now: we never expected to find--what we did. which brings us to our buddha. the big question is, is it mechanical or--alive?" he paused. "i don't know--none of us can know yet--but, i'm inclined to believe the latter. cady, what's your opinion?" i had forgotten for the moment that i was a zoologist. to tell the truth, the whole thing had been a little outside of the type of specimen i was familiar with. "its movements were lifelike," i replied. "they suggest muscular action rather than mechanical drive. but, as walt says, it's just not possible. nature has placed a limit on the size of living creatures. the strength of bones, the energy requirements, the osmotic pressures needed to move fluids through tissue. besides, where could it come from? there have been giants--eight, ten, maybe up to twelve feet--but this thing is of a different order of magnitude. it must weigh millions of pounds. as a zoologist, i can't believe that it's alive." martin and chamberlin had a few more remarks of the same nature, and then the conversation died away. we waited. eventually they would come--the yellow-robed ones. when they did, we might learn more. i had little doubt as to our ultimate fate, but in the dulled condition of my senses, i didn't seem particularly to care. my watch had been smashed in the struggle, so that i had no idea of how long they kept us in the cell. it could not have been too many hours, for the elementary needs of nature had only begun to assert themselves when the sound of a key came from the door. we all stood up. it was our conductor of last night, the one who spoke pidgin english. "good morning, gentlemens," he said with a bow. "you spend nice night, yes? get plenty sleep?" we did not reply. still smiling politely, he beckoned. "now please to come with me. head lama talk to you now." * * * * * once more we traversed the interminable concrete corridors of that subterranean city, but this time we came out into a hall illuminated by natural daylight. the walls here were neatly plastered, and the doors more ornamental. "getting near the high brass," murmured chamberlin. the last hall was terminated by a window and balcony, beyond which the green of a distant hillside could be seen. before we reached this, however, our guide stopped at a heavy aluminum door and directed us into a sort of ante-room, occupied by uniformed guards and a male receptionist. a few words were exchanged in japanese, and the guards quickly and expertly frisked us, although this had already been done once. this ceremony over, another door was opened and we were admitted to a large and sunny office, whose big windows gave a panoramic view of the whole crater. our eyes were so dazzled by the sudden burst of light, and our curiosity was so great to see that fantastic place by daylight, that we did not at once see the man who sat behind a desk opposite the windows, watching us with an expression of high amusement. baker first noticed him. "phobat rau! so you're back of this, after all!" the other stood up. he was a short man, evidently burmese, and wore a tan military uniform. his smile revealed a bonanza of gold teeth, while his thick lensed spectacles glittered in the brilliant sunshine streaming in through the windows. "it is a great pleasure to have you here, professor baker, although there is in the circumstances some cause for regret. but all that in its time. what do you think of our buddha?" as he spoke, baker was glancing about the room, and i saw that his eye had alighted upon an instrument just behind rau's desk. a second look showed it to be a tape recorder, with the operating lamp on. "until we have more data," replied baker, "our views are still as you have them recorded." phobat rau laughed delightedly. "you're a good observer, professor. yes, i must confess i was curious about your reactions to our charge. so you doubt that he is alive?" baker nodded. "under the circumstances last night, there was every chance for a mistake, or a hoax." "in that case, perhaps you would like a second look. he's right across the valley now, having his breakfast." we hastened to the window. rau's office, we found, was in a sort of cliff house perched half way up the northern side of the crater, and commanded a view of the entire area, now brightly illuminated by the morning sunlight. we easily identified the enormous furniture of last night, against the west cliff about a mile away. but we had little interest in these structures, monstrous as they were. for, sitting cross-legged on the ground before the low table, was the giant. at that distance he did not look so huge--in fact, with an effort we could almost ignore scale and perspective and imagine that he was a normal human fifty feet distant. he appeared a typical young japanese, his hair cut long in the old style, and wearing a sleeveless tunic like the statues of buddha. his face was smooth and serene, and he was eating a white pasty looking substance from his great steel dish, using a big spoon. even as we watched, he finished the meal and stood up, causing the whole building to sway slightly. he glanced about for a moment, his eye lingering briefly in our direction, and then he walked in a leisurely way to the lagoon, where he bent over and rinsed out his utensils. returning to the table, he placed them carefully in the position we had noted last night. he then straightened to his full height, raised his great arms far up into the morning air and began a series of earth shaking calisthenics. after about ten minutes of this he walked over to the leanto structure, entered and closed a curtain behind him. rau, who had been watching us with great amusement, offered an explanation. "his reading room. books on his scale would be a bit difficult to make, so he uses microfilm and a projector. the microfilm," he added, "is on eight by ten plates, and the screen is two hundred feet square." we returned to the desk and took the seats rau indicated. "so now," said our host, "you would like to hear a word of explanation, perhaps?" "several, if you can spare the time," answered baker with a dryness equal to rau's. "it all began," began phobat rau, "on a beautiful summer's day in 1945, august 6, i believe, was the exact date. perhaps you recall what happened on that day, in the city of hiroshima. if not, i will refresh your memories. a bomb was dropped on that day, a new type of bomb. it caused a great deal of destruction, and killed tens of thousands of people. some died at once from the blast and heat, but many more, who had escaped apparently uninjured, developed serious illness days later and died. the cause you know, of course. it was called radiation injury, the internal destruction of cell structure by gamma rays emitted by the bomb. "many strange things happened in that blast. in some, injury was confined to particular parts of the body, as the hair. others were made sterile, in fact, the reproductive function and apparatus seemed particularly susceptible to the rays. in many cases, the genes--those vital units within the cell which determine growth and structure and all physical and mental characteristics--the genes were altered, so that children grew abnormally, with deformities or mental sickness. "but these things you well know. afterwards biologists and physicians and geneticists came from all parts of the world to study the effects of the atomic bomb, and the flow of learned papers on this subject is not ended even now." * * * * * the speaker paused, as if inviting some comment or question. seeing that we intended to remain silent, he resumed. "there was one case, however, which was not studied by western scientists. in many respects, it was the most interesting of all, for the bomb blast and the accompanying deluge of gamma radiation occurred just at the instant of conception. as usual, damage was sustained by the genes, but this damage was of a peculiar and highly special sort. the only gene affected, apparently, was the one controlling growth, although, as you will see presently, other structural and chemical changes took place without which the growth could never have occurred. "the infant involved was a male, named kazu takahashi. he was born prematurely on march 26, 1946, with a weight of fourteen pounds six ounces. the parents were well to do, and the infant was given the best of care, first in a private hospital, and later in its own home. "during the first few days of life, little kazu was apparently normal, except for his prematureness and a rather great weight for a seven-month infant. and then the change began. his nurse first noticed an increasing appetite. he cried constantly and would be silent only when feeding. he emptied nursing bottles in a few seconds, after he learned to pull off the nipple, and was soon consuming a quart of milk every hour. the nurse humored him, in order to keep him quiet, and presently became afraid to tell either the parents or the doctor just how much milk her charge was drinking. as the days passed and no ill effects developed, she became less worried, although the daily milk ration had to be increased twice, to 23 quarts a day on the sixth day. "kazu doubled his weight in the first eleven days, and at the end of two weeks tipped the scales at 39 pounds. his pink tender skin was now rapidly becoming normal in color and texture, and he was behaving more and more like an ordinary child, although already of startling size. by the fourth week he was drinking 59 quarts of milk a day and weighed 145 pounds. the parents--by now thoroughly alarmed--called in the doctor, who at once realized the cause of the abnormality. he could offer no suggestions, however, save to continue feeding at a rate to keep the child quiet. this, by the sixth week, soared to the incredible figure of 130 quarts a day to feed a baby now five feet tall and weighing 290 pounds. at this point the takahashi family felt that their problem was getting beyond them, and being buddhists, they appealed to the local temple--it was not in hiroshima, but at a nearby town--for assistance. the priests took the child in, after a generous contribution had been made by father takahashi, and for a time the embarrassing matter seemed solved. the takahashis went on a three weeks vacation to the south coast of honshu, and all was peaceful, externally at least. "when the family returned, they found a note under the door urgently requesting their presence at the temple. when they arrived, they were met by a highly agitated chief priest. something had to be done, he said. things were getting out of hand. he then took them to the nursery. here they beheld a baby that would have been seven feet eight inches tall if it could stand, and which had weighed in that morning on the platform scales in the temple kitchen, at 670 pounds. after hearing the details of the milk bill, father takahashi wrote out another check and departed hurriedly. "after the passage of three more weeks, a delegation from the temple again waited upon mr. takahashi, with the news that his son now measured 9 feet 3 inches in length, weighed 1175 pounds, and consumed the entire output of a local dairy. they politely requested that he take care of his own infant. mr. takahashi as politely refused, and at this point bowed out of our story completely." phobat rau hesitated again and inquired if his statistics were boring us. baker glanced out of the window and replied that while he ordinarily did not have much appreciation of figures of this kind, under the circumstances they had a certain interest. rau smiled briefly and continued. "the summer of 1946 was one of increasing difficulty for the temple. by the beginning of july kazu weighed 1600 pounds and cried with a voice like a wounded bull. a number of trustworthy medical men examined him, and concurred that his only abnormality was size. in bodily proportions he was quite ordinary, and, for a 3-1/2 month baby, his mental development was, if anything, a bit ahead of normal. the priests took in their belts, appointed eight of the strongest as nursemaids, and wondered where it would all end. "it was at this point that a member of the buddhist priesthood from burma happened to pass through the neighborhood and heard of the infant. after being sworn to secrecy; even from other members of his order, he was allowed to view little kazu. now this priest, whose name i might as well admit was phobat rau, had perhaps a bit more imagination than some others, and when he looked upon the little monster, he was struck by an idea which was to grow like kazu himself." "the living buddha," murmured baker, "ye gods, what a symbol." rau nodded like a schoolteacher. "a symbol, and more. a machine to rebuild the world, or conquer it!" * * * * * baker chose to ignore this leading remark. he wanted more of the story. "so you took him over?" "well, it was not so easy as that. you see, i was only a young priest then, and had no resources to undertake such a project. but the more i thought of the possibilities, the more sure i was. but first i had to convince others, and time was short. the priests were near to their limit, and were about to appeal to the americans. i secured their promise to wait until i could return to burma, and then i flew to bangkok, to rangoon, to every center of buddhism where i was known. it was a sales trip, you might say, and for a time i thought that i had failed. but there were also forces working for me. the world was uncertain. the communists were at the start of their triumphal sweep over asia, and the leaders of our faith foresaw what lay ahead. on the first of august, 1946, a delegation of priests from eight buddhist countries journeyed to japan to view kazu, who was now a lusty 4-1/2 months old, 12-1/2 feet long and of 2914 pounds weight. he was in fine health, and when he slept the resemblance to the infant buddha was startling. you gentlemen are worldly men, and i pride myself upon freedom from the more naive illusions of my faith, but perhaps you can try to imagine that our feelings were not entirely those of ambitious schemers--that perhaps within us was some higher motive for the step we took. our poor suffering asia was in deeper misery than ever before, for atop her own famine and war had come also the troubles of the west. under the red flag millions of our deluded countrymen were taking arms against their brothers. confused by a glib ideology, they were daily turning more from the religion of their fathers. although we did not speak it, we all felt inwardly that perhaps there was a purpose in this great infant--that, though we made promises with tongue in cheek, perhaps a miracle would occur to fulfill them. "and so we arranged to transport kazu takahashi from japan to a safe location where he might grow to manhood, where he might be suitably educated to take the place that we would prepare for him. the details of this move were not difficult to arrange. a special traveling crib 20 feet long was built, and in this by truck, lighter and motor junk he was carried by easy stages to this island. here we established a great monastery, surrounded by rice and fruit plantations. here we brought physicians and scholars to care for him and plan his education, and we built a nursery to accommodate his increasing bulk. "we did not know, of course, what his final size would be. we kept careful records of his growth, but even after the first year he was not more than ten times the normal height. but year by year we had to revise our estimates, for his growth soon accelerated beyond our wildest expectations. for a time indeed we feared that it would never stop and that he would die of starvation when the world could no longer feed him. for a time also we were sure that he would never be able to stand, through the action of simple mechanical laws relating to weight and the size of bones, but apparently nature has provided a marvelous compensation, for his bones, as revealed by x-rays, are of a density and strength equal to that of steel. "his feeding was always a problem, although fortunately its increase was not beyond our ability to organize and plan. at first we supplied him from plantations on yat and on neighboring islands. then we were forced to organize neo-buddhism as an implement to solicit contributions of food and money. perforce we took many into partial confidence, but the complete story was known only to those on yat. "on his first birthday kazu was 29-1/2 feet long and weighed 30,100 pounds. by his second birthday he could walk, and now surpassed all land animals save the monsters of the jurassic age, with a height to 51 feet and a weight of 158,000 pounds. during 1949, while the communists were overrunning china, our buddha grew from 70 to 82 feet. in june of 1950, while the world watched the flames of war kindle in korea, we saw him exceed the capacity of our million pound scale. in the year of 1950 also we built his first schoolroom and developed the system of projected pictures and letters used in his education. "in 1951, buddha's increasing appetite combined with the inroads made by the communists upon our territory brought a crisis. he was now 200 feet tall, weighed seven million pounds and ate as much as 75,000 men. in spite of all our efforts, his food supply was dwindling and, worse, the communists were becoming suspicious. and so we were forced to a decision. we had to appeal to the western world. but to whom? to america, or to russia? you all know the situation in 1952, the time of the false peace. we turned to russia. they sent a commission to investigate, and then acted with dispatch. russia would feed our buddha, but on a condition: neo-buddhism must sponsor communism. "we had no choice. now that the secret was out, russia had yat at its mercy. so we agreed, but with one reservation. we alone should direct the education of kazu. to this russia agreed. perhaps they considered that it was unimportant. perhaps they thought that kazu was an idiot, useful only as a symbol. but they agreed, and so his education continued in the tradition of buddhist scholarship. he is well read, gentlemen. he knows the classics of china, and of india, and of the west also. i myself taught him english. at the request of our sponsors, he has studied russian. he is still young, but he has an inquiring mind. when he takes his true place in the world, he may not always be the tool of the kremlin. but of these things even i am not given to know." rau paused, and indicated the window. buddha was emerging from his leanto. "look well, gentlemen. there stands the hope of asia. there is the living buddha himself. he is only 19 years of age, but he stands 590 feet high, and weighs 198,000,000 pounds. at first he will be but a symbol, but soon he will be much more. the time of compromise, i promise you, will not last forever." rau stopped. we waited for him to resume, but instead, he pressed a button on his desk. immediately several members of the guard entered. rau now addressed us in a new voice. "gentlemen, you probably wonder why i have spoken so frankly of all of this. to be candid, to a certain extent i wonder also. perhaps it is to get it off my chest, as you say. perhaps it is just pride in what i have done. but whatever the reason, the consequences for you are regrettable. your spying trip to yat alone is sufficient for death; what i have told you makes your return a complete impossibility. i am sorry, particularly for you, baker. we shall do it as humanely as possible. good day." the guards, as upon a signal, closed in on us. for a second i thought insanely of flight, or a plunge through the great windows to certain death on the crags below. but there was no chance. before any thought could be translated into action we were back in the corridor, escorted by an augmented guard of priests, on our way back to our cell, and death. a death that would be--as "humane as possible". iv it was not until some minutes after the steel door had clicked shut that the full realization of our predicament came to us. rau's story had been so fascinating, and his manner so rational and civilized that we all had forgotten that he was of a race and ideology opposed to all that we stood for, and that we were spies caught red-handed in the innermost shrine of neo-buddhism. even after twenty years of cold war, all of our civilized instincts rose against the idea that a suave brilliant intellectual like phobat rau could so cold bloodedly order our deaths. but the awakening was at hand. if we doubted rau's intentions, one look at the cold mongol faces of the guards was enough to dispel any hope. baker tried to sum it up. "no use trying to argue with him. fact is, we won't even see rau again. we could, of course, simply call it quits and wait for them, but i'd rather fight it out. anyone have an idea?" martin hopped up on the bench and studied the ventilator. he reached one arm in as far as possible, and reported that there was a bend about a foot in. while he was doing this, chamberlin made a minute investigation of the door, but found that neither hinges nor lock were accessible. there were no other openings into the chamber save the electric conduit which presumably entered above the electric fixture in the ceiling. finally baker spoke. "nothing we can do until they come for us. we'd better plan towards that, unless they're going to gas us through the ventilator." this unpleasant thought had not occurred to the rest of us before. martin returned to the opening and sniffed, and then with happy inspiration, he rolled up his jacket and stuffed it in. baker nodded approval. so the time passed. we listened at the door for footsteps but none came. presently we became aware of a now familiar sensation. the floor commenced to shake gently and regularly. we counted the steps. there were twelve, and then they stopped. chamberlin calculated mentally. "say, about 250 feet per step. that would be three thousand feet--six tenths of a mile. wonder where--" martin, still near the ventilator, shushed him, and pulled the coat out. through the small hole we heard a deep sound, a sort of low pitched irregular rumble. baker suddenly jumped up and listened at the opening. after a bit the sound stopped. baker became excited. "it was a voice," he explained. "i think it was _his_ voice. it was speaking japanese. i couldn't catch many words, but i think he was talking about us." now the rumble came again, and louder. a few words, a pause, and then more words, as though he was in conversation with someone whom we could not hear. baker listened intently, but he could catch only fragments, owing to his small knowledge of japanese and the extremely low pitched articulation of the giant. presently the voice rose to a volume which literally made the mountain tremble, and then it stopped. baker shook his head. "couldn't make it out. i think he was inquiring where we were, but it was too idiomatic. i think he became excited or angry at the last." "fee, fi, fo, fum," said chamberlin. "now wouldn't _that_ be an interesting end?" martin laughed. "we wouldn't even be enough to taste." as no one else seemed anxious to pursue this subject further, we subsided into a sort of lethargy. even plans for what we should do when the guards came were forgotten. and then, suddenly, the door was opened. we all sprang to our feet. a priest--in fact, the same one who had brought us here originally--came in. a squad of guards stood outside. "good afternoon, how are you? chief priest ask me to tell you, buddha wish to see you. please you come with me." he politely indicated the door. with a shrug baker complied, and the rest of us followed. down the hall we marched again, through all of the turns of the morning and so at last into the corridor which ended in a window. this time we passed the aluminum door and continued right to the end. the window, we now saw, was really a french door which opened to a small balcony. our guide opened the door and pushed us out. the balcony, we found, was about four hundred feet above the valley floor, but we did not spend much time enjoying the view. scarcely fifty feet in front of us stood the living buddha! for a full minute we stared at each other, and then i began to realize that he was embarrassed! a wrinkle appeared between his eyes and he swallowed a couple of times. then he spoke. "good afternoon, professor baker and party. i am happy to meet you." the voice, and particularly the language, so startled us that for a moment nobody could think of a reply. the voice was a deep pulsing rumble, like the tone of the biggest pipes of an organ, and filled with a variety of glottal wheezings and windy overtones. i think it was through these additional sounds rather than the actual tones that we could understand him at all, for the fundamentals were surely below the ordinary limits of human audibility. what we heard and could translate into articulate words was hardly more than a cavernous whisper. the important thing was that we could understand him, and, more than that, that he was friendly. baker made reply at last. "good afternoon. we also are happy, and most honored. how should we address you?" "my name is kazu takahashi, but i am told that i am also buddha. this i would like to discuss with you, if you have time." "we have time for nothing else," said baker. buddha's eyebrows raised slightly. "so i was right. they are going to kill you." baker glanced at us meaningfully. this giant was no fool. suddenly there came over me a little thrill of hope. maybe--but he was speaking again. "i have not before had opportunity to talk to men from west. only from china, japan, soviet state. you will tell me of rest of world?" "with pleasure," said baker. i became conscious that the door behind us was opening. i glanced back, and saw phobat rau, surrounded by guards and priests. he gestured to us to come in. baker turned, while buddha bent his head closer to see also. rau came to the door. "come back," he called urgently. "you are in grave danger. you must come in." * * * * * quite definitely i had no desire to go in. neither did baker, for he shook his head and moved away from the door. rau's face was suddenly enraged. he made a quick motion to the guards, and then held them back. with an evident effort he calmed himself and called again, softly. "please come in. i was hasty this morning. i am sorry. i think now i see a way for you to return safely, if you will come in." for reply, baker turned to the giant. he climbed upon the rail of the balcony. "take us away from here, if you wish to hear what we have to say. take us, or they will kill us!" in answer, buddha extended one hand, palm up, so that it was level with the balcony. for an instant i hesitated at the sight of that irregular rough surface, big as a city block, and then i heard steps behind us and a click. with one accord we leaped over the parapet just as a scattered volley of pistol shots rang out. we tumbled head over heels down a rough leathery slope into a hollow, and then the platform lifted like a roller coaster. in a second the balcony, the whole hillside vanished and we went rocketing up into the blue sky. a gale of wind blew past, almost carrying us with it, and then a portion of the surface rose and became thirty foot tree trunks which curled incredibly over and around us, forming a small cavern which shut out the wind and held us securely against falling. buddha had closed his fist. for a breathless fifteen seconds we were carried in darkness, and then the great hand unfolded. it was lying flat on an immense smooth area of concrete, which we presently identified as the higher of the two tables. we got to our feet and staggered to the edge of the palm. here we met another problem, in the form of a rounded ten foot drop-off to the concrete table. as we stood looking down in dismay, the other vast hand came up from below, carrying a heavy sheet of metal. this was carefully placed with one edge on the hand and the other on the table, forming a ramp. holding onto each other for mutual support, we made our way to the table and there literally collapsed. chamberlin became violently sick, and none of the rest of us felt much better. the giant carefully withdrew both hands and watched us from a distance of a hundred yards, with only the head and upper part of his body visible. from our position on the concrete platform i now looked closely at kazu for the first time. my first impression was not so much one of size, as of an incredible richness of detail. it was like examining a normal human through a powerful microscope, except here the whole was visible at once. even at a distance of two hundred feet, the hair, the eyelashes, the pores of the skin showed up with a texture and form which i had never noted before, even in my studies as a biologist. the general effect was most confusing, for i would lose and regain the sense of scale, first thinking of him as an ordinary man, and then realizing the proportion. the nearest comparison that i can think of is the sensation when standing very close to a large motion picture screen, but here the image is blurry whereas i saw with a clarity and sharpness that was simply unbelievable. buddha seemed to realize our condition, for he smiled sympathetically, and waited until poor walt had recovered somewhat from his nausea. baker, as spokesman, renewed the conversation. walking a few steps toward the front of the enormous desk, he spoke in a loud clear voice. "you have saved our lives. we thank you." the great head nodded benignly, and after a thoughtful pause, that strange voice began. "my teachers have brought others before me to lecture, but always i know that they speak only as they are told to speak. you are different. i am glad that i saw you last night, or i would never know that you had come." he paused, evidently gathering his thoughts for the next foray into an unfamiliar language. then he leaned closer. "phobat rau has spoken to you of my birth and life here?" baker nodded, and then, realizing that kazu could not see such a microscopic movement, he replied orally. "he has told us your story in detail. it is a marvel which we can yet scarcely believe. but the greatest marvel of all is that you speak our language, and comprehend so quickly." kazu thought of this for a moment. "yes, my teachers have done well, i think. i have studied the writings of many great men, but there is yet much that i do not understand. i think it is important that i understand, because i am so strong. i do not wish to use this strength for evil, and i am not sure that those whom my teachers serve are good. i have studied the words of the great buddha, but now my teachers say that i am to appear as if i were buddha. but that is an untruth, and untruth is evil. so now i hope that you will tell me the whole truth." kazu stepped back a quarter of a mile, and then reappeared, dragging his four hundred foot chair. sitting on this, he crouched forward until his face was hardly a hundred feet before us, and his warm humid breath swept over us like wind from some exotic jungle. baker took a moment to marshal his thoughts, and then came forward, threw out his chest and began speaking as though addressing an outdoor political meeting. how long baker spoke i do not know. he began by outlining history, contrasting the ideals of buddha and other great religious leaders with the dark record of human oppression and cruelty. kazu's vast face proved most expressive of his feelings as he listened intently. when baker came to the subject of communism, he leaned over so far backward in his effort to be fair that i feared that he was overdoing it, and would convince the giant in the wrong direction. * * * * * when baker was only part-way through his lecture, he remarked that some point in geography could be better explained by a drawing, but that obviously he could not make one large enough for kazu to see. at this the giant laughed and pointed to his big leanto. "come," he said, "you shall draw on a piece of glass and the light will make it great that i may see." we were thereupon transferred the mile distance to the building by a reversal of our previous route: up the ramp to kazu's ample palm, a series of breathtaking swoops through space, and we were in the vast interior of the leanto. the furnishings of this study room consisted of a chair, a sloping writing desk and a screen fully two hundred feet square on the wall opposite the chair. beside the chair was a sort of bracket on the wall which supported the projection room. kazu placed his hand level with an elevated balcony leading to this and we scrambled off. with baker in the lead, we opened the door and entered the projection room. it was larger than we had estimated from outside, when we had the immense furniture for comparison. the dimensions were perhaps forty feet on the side, and most of the interior was taken up by shelves on which were stored thousands of films of book pages, maps, photographs and diagrams of all kinds. in the side facing the screen were a number of ports and a battery of movie and still projectors. one of the latter was, we saw, adapted for writing or drawing on the glass slide while it was being projected. we studied this for a moment, located the special marking pencil, and then i called out of the door that we were ready. "look also," replied kazu, "you will find device which magnify voice. my teachers use this always." a further search disclosed a microphone and the switch for a public address amplifier. baker settled down to his now illustrated lecture. after he had talked himself hoarse, baker asked each of the rest of us to speak briefly on our own specialties. i was the last, and i was practically through when i became aware that we were not alone in the room. i gave martin a nudge, and turned from the microphone to face eight of the uniformed guards, led by our friendly yellow-robed priest. only now he wasn't friendly, and he carried a heavy automatic which was carefully aimed right at us. "very clever, gentlemen," he said. "you took good advantage of your chance with our simple giant, did you not? tried your best to ruin the whole work of pan-asia just to save your miserable skins. well, you shall not--" he was interrupted by the thunder of kazu's voice. "please continue, mr. cady. i find it most interesting. why do you stop?" i took a step toward the microphone, but a menacing gesture with the gun stopped me. i looked from yellow-robe to baker. after a moment's hesitation, the latter spoke. "i'm afraid, my friend, that you have misjudged the situation. i admit that we jumped into buddha's hand to escape from phobat rau, but if you are familiar with the expression, our leap was from the frying pan into the fire. your giant is holding us prisoner, and even now forces us to tell him things on pain of death." the priest looked astonished, and the gun barrel dropped slightly. "no one," continued baker in a sincere tone, "could have been more welcome than you. but"--his voice dropped and he took a step toward the other--"we must be careful. if he should even suspect that you are here to rescue us, he would crush this room like an egg!" the priest, now thoroughly alarmed, glanced about nervously, his automatic pointing at the floor. the guards, who knew no english, looked at each other in surprise. baker took quick advantage of the confusion. "we must not allow him to become suspicious. i will continue talking over the microphone while your guards take my friends to safety." with this he stepped to the microphone and projector. the priest seemed for an instant about to stop him, and then he turned to the guards and gave a series of rapid orders. they advanced and surrounded martin, walt and me, and indicated by gesture that we were to go with them to the walk-way which led to the wall of the great room. in panic i looked at baker, but he was bent over the glass plate of the projector, drawing something and speaking in his precise clipped voice. "i shall now show you a map of the united states and indicate the principal cities. first, on the atlantic coast we have new york...." we were out of the room and on the gallery. for a moment i thought that kazu might see us, and then i realized that the whole place was dark and that he was concentrating on baker's silly map. briefly i wondered what baker was up to anyway, but this sudden terrible turn of events made any kind of calm reasoning very difficult. outside the projection room, baker's voice came booming over the loudspeakers. "chicago is located at the southern end of lake michigan, just west of detroit, while st. louis--" * * * * * suddenly the room lights came on, and the whole structure of the bridge shook as from an earthquake. the guards ahead abruptly turned and scrambled back, knocking us over in their haste. i grabbed the handrail for support, and then became aware of a vast blurry shape looming above and of a hand as large as a building that reached down toward the guards, now halfway back to the projection room. in a sort of hypnotic horror i watched the thumb and forefinger snap them and a thirty foot section of railing off into space. then, very gently the hand plucked the roof from the projection room, exposing baker and the priest. yellow-robe dropped his gun and ran towards a corner, but baker neatly tripped him and then stepped back for kazu to finish the job. a moment later baker came out onto the bridge. martin tried to frame a question. "what--how did he--?" baker grinned and pointed silently at the screen. we looked and understood. where a map of the united states should have been was a scrawled message in english: "priests here taking us captive." we returned to our lecturing, but after what had happened neither we nor kazu felt much like concentrating on geographical or other general facts. we all knew that rau had not given up. for the moment we were protected by kazu's immense power, but there were some doubts in our minds as to how long this might last. after all, rau was his lifelong mentor and protector. for the moment the young giant seemed to have taken a liking to us, but perhaps it was only a passing whim. presently rau would assert his authority and kazu, his curiosity satisfied, would hand us over--in exchange, perhaps, for supper. after about fifteen minutes more of lecturing, kazu interrupted. "soon will be sunset. suggest we return to privacy of high table to discuss next move." the transfer took less than a minute. the afternoon, we saw, was indeed far gone. none of us had realized how long we had been in the projection room. once we were safely back on the table, kazu addressed us, using his softest voice, which was a hurricane-like whisper. "phobat rau plans for me to go soon to head armies of asia in fight against west. my study of history has raised doubts of rightness of such war, and what you say strengthen these. now i must see for myself, without guidance or interference from rau. but i need assistance, to direct me how i shall go. i believe you will be fair. will you help me?" for a moment the incongruity of that last question prevented our grasping the full implication of kazu's statement. then baker, evidently realizing that this was no time for philosophic quibbling, signified our assent. kazu proceeded at once to practical plans. "tonight i sleep in usual place, where you disturbed me with small rock slide. but you must stay awake by turns to guard against capture. in morning you direct my steps away from yat to mainland of asia, where--" he stopped. seeing the direction he was looking, we hastened to the edge of the table. far below, on the ground, was a railroad train surrounded by a small crowd of priests. for a moment we were puzzled, and then we saw that the train was made up entirely of gondola cars such as are used to carry coal and other bulk cargo. but these cars, a dozen in number, contained a white substance which steamed. we did not require more than one guess. the train brought kazu's supper. the giant made a slight bow of thanks to the delegation at his feet, and proceeded carefully to empty the cars into his dish. then, instead of squatting at his low eating table, he brought the dish and other utensils up to our level and dumped a ton or so of steaming rice at our feet. evidently he wished us to share his supper. we had no tools other than our hands, but since we had not eaten in almost twenty-four hours, we did not stop for the conventions. scooping up double handfuls of the unseasoned stuff, we fell to even before kazu had gotten his ponderous spoon into position. suddenly, baker yelled at us. "hold it!" he turned to kazu who had a spoonful poised halfway to his mouth. "kazu, don't eat. this rice is doped!" i took a mouthful of the rice. there was not much flavor--only a little salt which i guessed came from seawater. i explored the stuff with my tongue, and presently noticed a familiar taste. it took me a moment to place it. yes, that was it. barbiturate. the stuff in sleeping pills. kazu bent his great face over us. baker briefly explained. kazu appeared at first puzzled. he dropped the spoon into the dish and pushed it away from him. his brow wrinkled, and he glanced down at the ground. walking to the edge, we saw that the group of priests were standing quietly around the engine, as though waiting for something. what they were waiting for evidently struck kazu and us at the same time. kazu leaned toward them and spoke in japanese. his voice was angry. baker tried to translate. "he says, 'how dare you poison buddha'--look, they're running off--" the next second things happened too rapidly for translation or even immediate interpretation. kazu spoke again, his voice rising to an earth shaking roar at the end. the little men below were scattering in all directions, and the train started to back off down its track. suddenly kazu turned and picked up his hundred foot steel dish. he swept it across the table and then down in a long curving arc. there was an earth shaking thud and where the running figures and the train had been was now only the upturned bottom of the immense dish. priests and cars alike were entombed in a thousand tons of hot rice! kazu now turned to us. "come," he said, "yat is not safe, even for buddha. now we must leave here at once." he extended his hand towards us, and then, with another thought, turned and strode to the leanto. in a moment he returned carrying the projection room, with a tail of structural steel and electric cables hanging below. this he placed on the table and indicated that we were to enter. as soon as we were inside, kazu clapped on the roof and picked up the stout steel box. we clung to the frame supporting the projectors, while a mass of slides, film cans and other debris battered us with every swooping motion. we could not see what was going on outside, but the giant seemed to be picking up a number of things from the ground and from inside the leanto. then he commenced a regular stride across the crater floor. now at last we got to a window, just in time to glimpse the nearby cliff. on the rim, some hundreds of feet above i saw a group of uniformed men clustered about some device. then we were closer and i saw that it was an antiaircraft gun, which they were trying to direct at us. i think kazu must have seen it at the same moment, for abruptly he scrambled up the steep hillside and pulverized gun, crew and the whole crater rim with one tremendous blow of his fist. i got a brief aerial view of the whole island as kazu balanced momentarily on the rim, and then we were all thrown to the floor as he stumbled and slid down the hillside to the level country outside of the crater. v up until this moment we had been engaged in an essentially personal enterprise, even though its object was to secure information vital to the united nations. from this time on, however, the personal element was to become almost completely subordinate to the vast problems of humanity itself, for, as we were to soon find, we had tied ourselves to a symbol that was determined to live up to all that was claimed or expected of him, and further, who depended upon our advice. the situation for us was made much worse because at first we doubted both his sincerity and good sense--in fact, it was not until after the wagnerian climax of the whole thing that we at last realized, along with the rest of the world, exactly what kazu takahashi believed in. kazu crossed the flat eastern half of yat in less than a minute, evidently wishing to get out of range of rau's artillery as quickly as possible. his feet tore through the groves as a normal man's might through a field of clover; indeed, he experienced more trouble from the softness of the ground than from any vegetation. as we were soon to learn, one of the disadvantages of kazu's size lay in the mechanical properties of the world as experienced by him. kazu stood almost 600 feet high, or roughly 100 times the linear dimensions of a normal man. from the simple laws of geometry, this increased his weight by 100^3 or 1 million times. but the area of his body, including the soles of his feet which had to support this gigantic load, had increased by but 100^2, or ten thousand times. the ground pressure under his feet was thus 100 times greater, for each square inch, than for a normal man. the result was that kazu sank into the ground at each step until he reached bedrock, or soil strong enough to carry the load. at the beach he hesitated briefly, as though getting his bearings, and then waded into the ocean. the surf which had used us so violently was to him only a half inch ripple. he strode through the shallows and past the reef in a matter of seconds, and then plunged into deeper water. from our dizzy perch, now carried at hip height, we watched the great feet drive down into the sea, leaving green walls of solid water about them. although we did not realize it at the time, we later learned that kazu's wading forays were attended by tidal waves which inundated islands up to a hundred miles away. this trip across a twenty mile strait swamped a dozen native fishing craft, flooded out four villages and killed some hundreds of people. we fared better than some of these innocent bystanders, for kazu carefully held our steel box above the sea, and presently lurched through shallow water to the dry land. the new island was larger than yat, and entirely given over to rice growing for kazu's food supply. he threaded his way easily among the paddies, up through some low hills, and then down a narrow gorge into the sea again. ahead lay a much more extensive body of water. the sun was now hardly fifteen degrees above the horizon, and its glare plus a bank of clouds made it difficult to see the distant land. kazu raised our room to the level of his face. "is that island of celebes?" baker started to pick up the microphone, and then abruptly realizing that it was dead, he shouted back from the projection port. "i think it is. let me look for a chart." kazu waited patiently while we searched, placing the room on a hilltop to give us a steadier platform. we all began a mad scramble in the mass of debris. kazu removed the roof to give more light, but it soon became clear that there wasn't much hope. all that we could find were thousands of slides of the chinese classics. at last we gave up. when we told kazu this, he looked across the water and wrinkled his brow. we could sense the reason for his anxiety, for the distant shore could hardly be less than seventy miles away. mentally i reduced this to terms i could understand. seven tenths of a mile, of which an unknown percentage might be swimming. kazu's voice rumbled down to us, "i would prefer to wade. i cannot swim well." he peered down into our roofless box anxiously. "if we only had one chart," began baker, when walt, who had been rummaging near the projector window, called to us. "take a look over there, just around the point." we saw the prow of a ship. there was a moment of terror lest it be an indonesian coast patrol, and then we saw that it was just a small island steamer of a thousand tons or so, chugging along less than two miles offshore. * * * * * i think that the idea hit us all at the same instant. baker, as spokesman, called to kazu. the giant, for the first time, grinned at us. then he picked up our box and waded into the ocean. i don't think the people in the little ship even saw us until we were practically upon them, because of the mist and sunset glare. what they thought i can only imagine, for the water was little more than knee deep and kazu towered fully four hundred feet above it. then a hand as big as the foredeck reached down and gently stopped them by the simple expedient of forming a v between thumb and fingers into which the prow pushed. i heard the sound of bells and saw tiny figures scurrying about on the deck. on the opposite side a number of white specks appeared in the water as crewmen dove overboard. our box was now lowered until its door was next to the bridge. we leaped aboard, under cover of a great hand which obligingly plucked away the near wall of the pilot house. we entered the house just as the captain beat a precipitate retreat out the other side, and after a moment in the chartroom we found what we wanted. while martin stood watch at the far door, we took advantage of the electric lights to examine the chart of the east coast of celebes. that island, we found, was only sixty miles away and the deepest sounding was less than six hundred feet. kazu could wade the whole distance. * * * * * the nautical charts did not show much detail for the interior of celebes, but from our elevation we could see enough of the terrain to guide kazu quite well. the course which baker plotted took us across the northern part of the big island, and far enough inland to avoid easy detection from the sea. as the day progressed, the sky gradually filled with clouds, promising more rain, so that i doubt if many people saw us. those who did, i suspect, were more interested in taking cover than in interfering with kazu's progress. the journey across celebes took only a couple of hours, and so, by noon, we stood on the shore of the strait of macassar, looking across seventy-five miles of blue water to the mountains of borneo. it was not until now that baker explained what he had in mind in choosing this particular route. "we're going to singapore," he said. "get under the protection of the royal navy and air force before the commies spot us and start dropping bombs and rockets. if buddha wants to see the world, he'd better start by getting a good bodyguard." kazu seemed agreeable when appraised of this plan, and so we began to plot a more detailed route over the 1,100 miles between us and the british crown colony. we stood at the narrowest part of the strait, but unfortunately most of it was too deep for kazu to wade. reference to the charts showed that by going 250 miles south, we would reduce the swim to about 30 miles, or the equivalent of some 500 yards for a normal man. to this was added a wade of 120 miles through shallows and over the many small balabalagan islands. suddenly kazu's hand swept down and came up with a 60-foot whale, which he devoured in great gory bites. after this midocean lunch, kazu resumed his wading. in the middle of the strait the depth exceeded five thousand feet, and he had to swim for a time, after fastening our box to his head by means of the trailing cables. at length the sea became shallow once more, kazu's feet crunched through coral, and the coast of borneo appeared dimly ahead. we were all taking time for the luxury of a sigh of relief when chamberlin screamed a warning. "planes! coming in low at three o'clock!" fortunately kazu heard this also, although the language confused him. precious seconds were wasted while he held the box up to his face for more explicit directions. the planes, a flight of six, were streaking towards us just above the wavetops. we could see that they carried torpedoes, and it was not difficult to guess their intentions. "go sideways!" baker yelled, but kazu did not move. he simply stood facing the oncoming aircraft, our box held in his left hand at head level, and his right arm hanging at his side, half submerged. either kazu was too frightened to move, or he did not understand the danger. the planes were hardly a half mile away now, evidently holding their fire until the last moment to insure a hit. what even one torpedo could do i didn't dare to contemplate, and here were twelve possible strikes. after all, kazu was made of flesh, and after having seen the effect of tnt on the steel side of a ship, i had little doubt as to what would happen to him. now the last seconds were at hand. the planes were closing at five hundred yards, the torpedoes would drop in a second.... but suddenly kazu moved. his whole body swung abruptly to the left and at the same time the right hand came up through the water. we, of course, were pitched headlong, but we did briefly glimpse a tremendous fan of solid green water rising up to meet the planes. they tried to dodge but it was too late. into the waterspout they flew, all six with their torpedoes still attached, and down into the ocean they fell, broken and sinking. it was all over in a moment. we were so amazed it was moments before we could move. kazu turned and resumed his stroll toward borneo without a single backward glance at the havoc wrought by his splash. * * * * * as we entered the foothills i became conscious for the first time of a curious change. it was a psychological change in me, a change in my sense of scale. we had been carried so long at kazu's shoulder level, and had grown so accustomed to looking out along his arms from almost the same viewpoint as his, that we were now estimating the size of the mountains as though we were as large as kazu! it is difficult to express just how i felt, and now that it is all over, the memory has become so tenuous and subtle that i fear i will never be able to explain it so that anyone but my three companions could understand. but this was the first moment that i noticed the effect. the mountains were suddenly no longer 4,000 foot peaks viewed from a plane 500 feet above ground level, but were forty foot mounds with a six inch cover of mossy brush, and i was walking up their sides as a normal human being! the change was, as nearly as i can express it, from the viewpoint of a normal human being under extraordinary circumstances to that of an ordinary man visiting a miniature world. the whale to me was now a fat jellyfish seven inches long, the chinese warplanes were toys with an eight inch wingspread, the little steamer of yesterday was a flimsy toy built of cardboard and tinfoil. we had, in effect, identified ourselves completely with kazu. and so we climbed dripping from the straits of macassar, and entered the mists and jungles of borneo. our course toward singapore carried us across the full width of southern borneo, a distance, from a point north of kotabaroe to cape datu, of almost six hundred miles. after about an hour, the blue outlines of the schwanner mountains appeared ahead and presently we passed quite close to mt. raya, which at 7,500 feet was the greatest mountain kazu had ever seen. then, dropping into another valley, we followed the course of the kapuas river for a time, and finally turned west again through an area of plantations. here kazu made an effort to secure food by plucking and eating fruit and treetops together. the result was unsatisfactory, but presently we came upon a granary containing thousands of sacks of rice. the workmen, warned by our earthquake approach, fled long before we reached it. kazu carefully removed the corrugated iron roof and ate the whole contents of the warehouse, which amounted to about a handful. the sacks appeared about a quarter of an inch in length, and seemed to be filled with a fine white powder. following this meal, kazu drained a small lake, getting incidentally a goodly catch of carp, although he could not even taste them. then, since it was now late in the afternoon, he turned northwest to the hills to spend the night. the last part of the journey was almost entirely through shallow water--three hundred miles of the warm south china sea. baker planned to make a before dawn start, so that we might be close to the malay peninsula before daylight could expose us to further attack. kazu suggested pushing on at once, but baker did not think it wise to approach the formidable defenses of singapore by night. and so for a second time we sought out an isolated valley where kazu could snuggle between two soft hills, and we could get what sleep was possible in the wreckage of the projection room. the china sea passage was made without incident. we started at three a.m. in a downpour of rain, and by six, at dawn, the low outline of the malay peninsula came into sight. we made our landfall some forty miles north of singapore, and at once cut across country toward johore bahru and the great british crown colony. the rice paddies, roads and other signs of civilization were a welcome sight, and i was already relaxing, mentally, in a hot tub at the officers club when the awakening came. it came in the form of a squadron of fighter planes carrying british markings which roared out of the south without warning and passed kazu's head with all their guns firing. fortunately neither his eyes nor our thin shelled box was hit, but kazu felt the tiny projectiles which penetrated even his twelve inch hide. as the planes wheeled for another pass he called out in english that he was a friend, but of course the pilots could not hear above the roar of their jets. on the second try two of the planes released rockets, which fortunately missed, but this put a different light on the whole thing. a direct hit with a ten inch rocket would be as dangerous as a torpedo. baker tried to yell some advice, but there was no chance before the planes came in again. this time kazu waved, and finally threw a handful of earth and trees at them. the whole squadron zoomed upwards like a covey of startled birds. by the time we had reached a temporary haven, kazu was thoroughly winded, and we were battered nearly insensible. baker, in fact, was out cold. kazu slowed down, and then finding no directions or advice forthcoming, he resumed a steady dogtrot to the north. martin and i tried to draw baker to a safer position beside the projector, but in the process one of the steel shelves collapsed, adding martin to the casualty list. walt and i then attempted to drag the two of them to safety, but in the midst of these efforts a particularly hard lurch sent me headfirst into the projector, and my interest in proceedings thereupon became nil. walt, battered and seasick, gave up and collapsed with the rest of us. further efforts at communication by kazu proved fruitless. buddha was on his own. vi i awoke with a throbbing headache to find the steel room motionless, and warm sunshine streaming into my face. looking around, i saw that my three companions were all up and apparently in good shape. baker was the first to notice that i was awake, and he came over immediately. "feel better?" he inquired cheerfully. he helped me up and i staggered to the window. the room was perched, as usual, on a hilltop, but the vegetation around was not tropical jungle. i turned to the others, noting as i did that the room was cleaned up. "where--" i started, with a gesture outside. baker stopped me and led me to an improvised canvas hammock. "you really got a nasty one," he said. "you've been out two days." "two days!" i tried to rise, but the effort so increased the headache that i gave up and collapsed into the hammock. "just lie quiet and i'll bring you up to date." baker drew up an empty film box for a seat. "i was knocked about a bit myself, you know, and by the time i came around, our friend had trotted the whole length of the malay peninsula and was halfway across burma." "but the people at singapore," i began, "don't those fools know yet--" "things have changed," said baker. "the biggest change has been in buddha's mind. he took our advice and almost got killed for his pains. now he's on his own." i tried to look through the open door. baker shook his head. "he's not here. no--" this in answer to my startled look, "just off for a stroll, towards china this time, i think. yesterday he visited lhasa. said it's quite a place. talked to the lamas in tibetan, and they understood him. he calls it playing buddha." baker got up and searched among the maps, finally finding one of southeast asia. he spread it out before me, and placed a finger rather vaguely on the great yunnan plateau between burma and china. "we're here, somewhere. buddha doesn't know exactly, himself. he made it to lhasa by following the himalayas, and watching for the potala. i hope he'll find his way back this time--be a bit awkward for us if he doesn't." he stepped outside and brought in some cold cooked rice and meat. "kazu brought us a handful of cows yesterday. they were practically mashed into hamburger. i guess you'd call this pounded steak." i ate some of the meat and settled back to rest again. presently i dozed off. when i awakened it was dark and kazu was back. martin had started a big campfire outside, evidently with kazu's aid, for it was stoked with several logs fully eight feet in diameter and was sending flames fifty feet into the sky. kazu himself was squatting directly over it, staring down at us. when i came to the door, he spoke. "ah, little brother bill. i am so sorry that you were hurt. i am afraid i forgot to be gentle, and that is not forgiveable in buddha." i made an appropriate reply, and then waited. evidently he had as yet told nothing of his day's expedition. finally he plucked a roasted bullock from the fire and popped it into his mouth like a nut. "today," he said, "i visit chungking, nanking, peking. i think i see hundred million chinese. i know more than that see me. also i talk to them. they understand, for miles. they expected me. as you say, brother llewelyn, rau has excellent propaganda machine. everywhere they hail me as buddha, come to save them from war and disease and western imperialism. i speak to them as buddha; today, i am buddha." baker glanced at us meaningfully and murmured, "i was afraid of this." but kazu continued. "today all of china believes i am buddha. only you and i know this is not so, but we can fight best if they believe." "have you eaten?" inquired martin. kazu nodded. "at every temple they collect rice for buddha. many small meals make full belly. but," his face wrinkled with concern, "many thousands could live on what i eat today. china is so poor. so many people, so little food. i must find ways to help them." he paused, and then resumed in a firmer tone. "but not in communist way. rau was right about western imperialists, but he named wrong country. russian imperialists have enslaved china. first we must drive communists from china. then i can help." "amen," said baker softly. then, to kazu.... "we've been trying to do just that for years. but how can you fight seven hundred million people?" "don't fight--lead them." it sounded so simple, the way he said it. well, maybe he could. but now baker had more practical questions. "what does the rest of the world think about all this? have you talked to any europeans, or heard a radio?" kazu shook his head. "but i caught communist general. he tell me russia sending army to capture me. he say only hope is for me to surrender, or russian drop atom bomb on me. then i eat him." we must have showed our startled reaction, for kazu laughed. "not much nourishment in communist. i eat him for propaganda--many people see me do it. effect very good." he paused. "not tasty, but symbolic meal. china is like buddha, giant who can eat up enemies." "what are you going to do next?" asked baker. "that is question. i need more information. where is leadership in china i can trust? what will russians do? how long for british and americans to wake up?" "you're not the only one asking these questions," said baker. "but maybe you can get some answers." * * * * * before kazu could continue, chamberlin held up his hand for silence. we listened, and presently heard above the crackle of the great bonfire, the throb of an airplane engine. kazu heard it too, for he suddenly arose and stepped back out of the light. we four also hastened into the shadows and peered into the dark sky. the approaching aircraft displayed no lights, but presently we saw it in the firelight--a multi-jet bomber bearing american markings. we rushed back into the illuminated area and danced up and down, waving our arms. the huge plane swung in a wide circle and came in less than five hundred feet above the hilltop. i could make out faces peering down at us from the glassed greenhouse in front. as it roared past, one wing tipped slightly in the updraft from the fire, and then suddenly the plane stopped dead in its tracks. the jets roared a deeper note as they bit into still air, and then very slowly and gently the great ship moved back and down until it rested on its belly beside our steel box. not until it was quite safe on the ground did kazu's hands release their hold on the wings, where he had caught it in midair. the eleven crew men from the b125 came out with their hands in the air, but their expressions were more incredulous than frightened. baker added to the unreality of the situation by his greeting, done in the best "dr. livingstone-i-presume" manner. "welcome to camp yunnan. sorry we had to be so abrupt. i'm baker, these are chamberlin, martin, cady." "i'm faulkner," replied the leader of the americans automatically, and then he abruptly sat down and was violently sick. we waited patiently until he could speak again. "my god, i didn't believe it when we heard." he was talking to no-one in particular. "one minute we're flying at 450 miles per hour, the next we're picked out of the air like a--like a--" he gave up. kazu came into the firelight and squatted down, quite slowly. baker introduced him. "colonel, i'd like you to meet kazu takahashi." the american arose and extended his hand, and then dropped it abruptly to his side. kazu emitted a thunderous chuckle. "handshake is, i fear, formality i must always pass up, even at risk of impoliteness." i think that the language, and particularly the phrasing, jolted the airmen even more than the actual capture. colonel faulkner kept shaking his head and murmuring "my god!" for several moments, and then pulled himself together. "so the story's really true after all," he finally said. "we got it on the radio day before yesterday at manila. it was so garbled at first that nobody could make any sense. ships reported thousand foot men wading in the ocean. new macassar radio reported that buddha was reincarnated, and then denied the story. announcements of a pitched battle at singapore, and frantic reports from every town on the peninsula. then a statement by some lama on macassar that the british had kidnaped buddha, had him hypnotized or doped, and were using him to exterminate china." he paused and looked up at kazu, who had bent down until his face was only a hundred feet above us. "part of it is true," said baker. "there was a giant wading in the ocean. as to the rest, i fear we have caught the red radio without a script. i'll tell you the story presently, but just now there are more urgent things to do. is your radio working?" faulkner nodded and led us towards the plane. baker continued. "briefly, kazu is a mutation produced by the hiroshima bomb. he's been groomed for twenty years to take over as the world's largest puppet, but it turns out he has a mind of his own. we just happened along, and are going on for the ride. want to join the party?" the colonel grinned for the first time as we all squeezed into the radio compartment of the plane. "i like travel," he said. "it's so broadening." the radio was not only operative, but proved most informative as well. every transmitter on earth, it seemed, was talking about the giant. in the course of an hour we listened to a dozen major stations and got as many versions of the story. the communist propaganda factory had obviously been caught flat footed, for their broadcasts were a hopeless mixture of releases evidently prepared for the planned introduction of buddha to the world, and hastily assembled diatribes against the capitalist imperialists who had so foully captured him. some of the russians apparently were not in on the secret of buddha's dimensions, for they described in detail how a raiding party of eighty american commando-gangsters had landed by parachute on yat, seized buddha, and taken him away in a seaplane. before we went to sleep that night, kazu extinguished the fire so that no one else would be attracted as the colonel had been. * * * * * next morning the first question concerned transportation. colonel faulkner naturally did not want to leave his plane, particularly since it was undamaged, but a takeoff from our narrow mountain ledge was obviously impossible, so he regretfully ordered his crew to unload their personal effects for transfer to our box. at this point kazu stepped in. "if you will enter your airplane and start jets," he said, "buddha will serve as launching mechanism." before the takeoff, the colonel transferred his spare radio gear to our box, along with an auxiliary generator, and we agreed on a schedule to keep in touch. then kazu gently picked up the bomber, raised it high above his head and sent it gliding off to the north. the engines coughed a couple of times and then caught with a roar. colonel faulkner wagged his wings and vanished into the haze. our plan was to follow the plane east to the wu river, and then north to its meeting with the yangtze, which occurs some seventy five miles below chungking. while the b125 cruised around us in a great circle, we loaded our belongings into the box, and kazu picked us up and signalled the plane that we were ready. colonel faulkner's intention had been to circle us rather than leave us behind with his superior speed, but in a moment it became clear that this would not be necessary. kazu set off down the canyon at a pace better than three hundred miles per hour, and the colonel had to gun his motors to keep up. we passed only a few small towns on the wu. kazu had been here before, and had evidently stopped to talk and make friends, for we observed none of the fright which had formerly greeted his advent. instead, crowds ran out to meet us, waving the forbidden nationalist flag and shooting off firecrackers. kazu spoke briefly in cantonese to each group, and then hurried on. baker explained that he was giving them formal blessings, in the name of buddha. an hour's time brought us to fowchow, on the mighty yangtze kiang. here kazu turned left, wading in the stream, and negotiated the seventy odd miles to chungking in fifteen minutes. the distance from chungking to hankow is somewhat more than five hundred miles. for much of this distance the yangtze is bounded by mountains and rocky gorges, but in the final 150 miles, the hills drop away and the river winds slowly through china's lake country. kazu made good time in the gorge, but his feet sank a hundred feet into the soft alluvial soil of the lowlands and he had constantly to watch out for villages and farms. buddha had not visited hankow before, but he was expected. even before the city came into view, the roads were lined with people and the canals and lakes jammed with sampans. just outside of the city we noticed a small group of men in military uniform under a white flag. we guessed that they represented the communist city government, and so did kazu, for he set our box beside the group and ordered the spokesman to come in for a parlay. the unfortunate officer who was picked obviously did not relish the idea, particularly after martin cracked in english, "he doesn't look fat enough." giving martin a glare, he drew himself up stiffly and said, "general soo prepared to die, if necessary for people of china." the communist general showed somewhat less bravado after the stomach turning ascent to the six hundred foot level, but he managed to get off a speech in answer to kazu's question. as before, baker gave us a running translation. "he says welcome to hankow. the people's government, ever responsive to the will of the citizens, joins with all faithful buddhists in welcoming buddha, and in expressing heartfelt thanksgiving that rumors claiming buddha to be a puppet of western imperialists are all false. now he's saying that there is to be a big party--a banquet--for buddha, in the central square. rice has been collected and cooked, and a thousand sheep slaughtered to feed hungry buddha." kazu replied formally that while he appreciated the hospitality of the people of hankow, he could not accept food from the enemies of china. these words, which were clearly audible to the entire city, were greeted with cheers by the throng below. the general took this in, thought about it a moment, and then made a neat about face. "general soo," said he stoutly, "was communist when he believed communism only hope for china. you have changed everything. general soo now faithful buddhist!" "may i," said baker with a grin, "be the first to congratulate general soo on his perspicacity." * * * * * as the general had promised, there was a great banquet spread. in spite of soo's protestations, baker insisted on sampling each course rather extensively for sleeping potions or poison, but either the idea had not occurred to the communists, or there hadn't been enough time, or poison available. for the most part the civil government of hankow joined with general soo in a loudly declared conversion to buddhism without communist trappings. in spite of baker's skepticism, i believed that most of them were quite sincere. at least, they sincerely wanted to be on the side with the most power, and for the time being at least, kazu seemed an easy winner. general soo, in particular, insisted on making a long speech in which he declared the russians to be the true "western imperialists", now unmasked, who since the days of the first stalin had sought to enslave china with lies and trickery. baker shook his head over this, and privately opined that soo was a very poor fence straddler: such remarks went beyond the needs of expediency, and would probably completely alienate him from the kremlin. however, the crowd thought it was all fine. kazu replied with a short, and generally well planned statement of his policy. "those who follow me," he concluded, "have no easy path. they must be strong, to throw off the yoke of those who would enslave them, but they must be merciful to their enemies in defeat, even to those who but a moment before were at their throats. for though we win the war, if we at the same time forget what we have fought for, then we have indeed lost all. i proclaim to all china, and to her enemies both within and without our borders, that the faith of buddha has returned, and that interference in china's affairs by any other nation will not be tolerated." colonel faulkner had landed at the hankow airport and now, with his crew, shared our private banquet on the terrace of the city's largest hotel, only a few hundred feet from where kazu squatted. under cover of the cheering and speechmaking, he relayed to us some news which he had heard on the radio, which was not quite so rosy. it seemed, first, that the chinese iii army, under general wu, had declared itself for buddha, and was engaged in a pitched battle with the manchurian first army north of tientsin. the communist garrison at shanghai, where there was a large population of russian "colonists", had holed in, awaiting attack by a buddhist peoples army assembled from revolting elements of the ii and vii corps at nanking. a revolt at canton, far to the south, had been put down by the communists with the aid of air support coming directly from russia. the most ominous note, however, was a veiled threat by old mao himself that if mutinous elements did not submit, he might call upon his great ally to the east to use the atomic bomb. mao spoke apparently from near peking, where he was assembling the i and v armies. we digested this news while kazu finished the last of his 1000 sheep. we all cast anxious glances into the sky. soviet planes at canton meant that they could be here also, and buddha, squatting in a glare of light in the midst of hankow, was a sitting duck for a bombing attack. as soon as the main part of the formalities were over, baker managed to get kazu's attention, and informed him of the situation. kazu's reaction was immediate and to the point. "we do not await attack. we go north to free our brothers, and to instruct our errant general mao in buddha's truth." by the time we were packed and in our travelling box, the time was eight-thirty. reference to our map showed the airline distance from hankow to peking to be about 630 miles, and buddha, greatly refreshed by the food and rest, promised to reach the capital by eleven. to make walking easier, baker plotted a route which avoided the lowlands, particularly the valley of the yellow river, in favor of a slightly longer course through the mountains to the east. we started northwest, splashing through the swamps and lakes around hankow at first, and presently reached firmer ground in the hawiyang shan. we followed the ridge of these mountains for a time, and then dropped to the hilly country of honan province. at first the night was very dark, but presently the light of a waning moon made an occasional fix possible, although navigation was confusing and uncertain at best. we splashed across the yellow river at ten o'clock, somewhere east of kaifeng, and for a time were greatly slowed by what appeared to be thick gumbo. our speed improved once we got up into the rugged taihang mountains. here also we felt safer from air observation or attack, although kazu was soon panting from the exertion of crossing an endless succession of fifteen to thirty foot ridges. this was indeed rough country, terrain which had protected the lush plains of china for centuries against the mongols. here the great wall had been built, and presently, in the moonlight, we saw its trace, winding serpentlike over the mountains. we followed the wall for almost two hundred miles--all the way, in fact, to the latitude of peking--before we swung east again for the final lap to mao's capital. * * * * * during the last hour we trailed an antenna and listened in on the world of radio. the news was not good. the shanghai garrison had sprung a trap on their disorganized attackers, and were marching on nanking. mao's armies were closing the southern half of a great pincers on wu's troops, and only awaited the dawn to launch the final assault. worst of all, there had been reports of increasing soviet air activity over the area; a major air strike also apparently would come with daylight. we were scarcely halfway from the edge of the city to the moated summer palace when a small hell of gunfire broke out around kazu's feet. he jumped, with a roar of pain, and then lashed out with one foot, sweeping away a whole city block and demolishing the ambush. limping slightly, he made the remaining distance by a less direct route and at last stood at the moat before the palace. the ancient building, and, indeed, everything about, was quite dark. kazu peered about uncertainly, and then raised our box to ask for advice. baker was pessimistic. "i don't think you'll find general mao here. but at this stage of things, i don't believe it would matter if you did. the decision will be made tomorrow by the armies." kazu stepped carefully over the moat and wall, and sat down wearily in the gardens of the summer palace. we peered with interest at the foliage, marble bridges and the graceful buildings, illuminated only by ghostly moonlight. with kazu squatting among them, they looked like models, a toy village out of ancient china. i wished that a picture might be taken, for surely never before had buddha been in so appropriate a setting. while kazu rested, we examined his feet. a number of machine gun bullets had entered his foot thick hide, and there was one wound a yard long from which oozed a sticky gelatinous blood. there did not appear to be any serious damage, although the chances of infection worried us. in any event, there was nothing we could do except douse it with buckets of water from the moat. kazu thanked us formally, as befitted a deity, and added, as though talking to himself, "now is the most difficult time. how can i bring peace without the use of violence? i can appear before these armies and command them to stop. but what if they do not obey? should i use force? oh, that i were really the great lord buddha--then i would have the wisdom, the knowledge that is a thousand times more potent than giant size. oh buddha, grant me wisdom, if only for a moment, that i may act rightly." presently the giant stretched out full length in the garden and, while we kept guard, slept for a time. the first pale glow of dawn appeared soon after five, and we were preparing to awaken kazu when martin held up a warning hand. we listened. at first we heard nothing, and then there came a deep drone of jets. not a single plane, not even a squadron. nothing less than a great fleet of heavy aircraft was approaching peking from the west. baker fired his automatic repeatedly near kazu's ear, and presently his rumbly breathing changed and he opened his eyes. "planes," said baker briefly. "it's not safe here. better get moving." kazu sat up, yawning, and we climbed into the box. the giant took a long draught from the nearest fishpond and tied our cage to his neck and shoulder so that both of his hands would be free. by this time the noise of the planes had increased to a roar, which echoed through the silent city. kazu arose to his full height and waited. a pinkish line of light had now appeared along the eastern horizon which, i realized with consternation, must silhouette the mighty tower of kazu's body to whomever was coming out of the western shadows. * * * * * and then we saw them. a great fleet of heavy bombers, flying high, far beyond even kazu's reach. baker seized the glasses to look, and then gave a cry of warning. the leading plane had dropped something--a black spherical object above which blossomed a parachute. i think that kazu realized what it was as soon as we, but he still stood quietly. baker lost whatever calm he had left and screamed, "run, run--it's the h-bomb!" but still kazu did not move. in a moment another of the deadly spheres appeared, directly over us, and then a third. now at last kazu moved, but not toward safety. he walked slowly until he was directly beneath the first bomb, and reached up, until his hand was a thousand feet in the air. down came the bomb, quite rapidly, for the parachute was not very large. "what's the matter with the fool," yelled martin. but now baker seemed to get kazu's idea. "it has barometric fusing--it's set to detonate at a certain altitude. if that's below a thousand feet, and kazu can catch it, it won't go off!" martin started something about detonation at two thousand feet, when kazu gave a slight jump and his hand closed about the deadly thing, as though he had caught a fly. we cowered, expecting the flash that would mean the end, but nothing happened. in kazu's crushing grip the firing mechanism was reduced to wreckage before it could act. when buddha opened his palm, it contained only a wad of crumpled metal inside of which was a now harmless sphere of plutonium. in quick succession kazu repeated this performance with the other two bombs, wadded the whole together and flung it to the ground. then he turned to the north. by the time we had cleared the city, it was quite light, and we could see a dark pall of smoke in the northeast. the armies which had been poised last night had finally met, and a great battle was underway. kazu hurried towards it, and presently we could hear the crackle of small arms fire and the heavier explosions of mortars and rockets. it took a moment or so for kazu to get his bearings. evidently we were approaching mao's legions from the rear. still keeping from the roads to avoid killing anyone, kazu advanced to near the battle line, and there stopped. "my brothers," his voice thundered above the heaviest cannon, "my poor brothers on both sides, listen to me. stop this killing. stop this useless slaughter. no one can win, and all will--" suddenly there was a blinding flash of light, a thousand times brighter than the newly appeared sun. it came from behind us, and in the terrible instant that it remained we could see buddha's enormous shadow stretching out across the battlefield. kazu stopped speaking and braced his shoulders for the blast. subconsciously i was counting seconds. four, five, six, seven--a sudden, insane hope gripped me. if we were far enough from the burst--and then the blast hit us, and with it, the sound. kazu pitched forward a hundred yards, and stumbled on as far again. then he recovered. one hand reached behind him, to the back that had taken the full brunt of heat and gamma radiation, and a half animal cry escaped from his lips. over his shoulder we got a glimpse of the fireball, of the fountain of color which would presently form the terrible mushroom cloud. the thunder of the explosion reverberated, and was replaced by silence. the crackle of rifles, the thud of field pieces had ceased. from our perch we looked down at a scene straight from dante's inferno. about kazu's feet was a shallow ravine in which a thousand or so communist troops had taken cover. these were now scrambling and clawing at the sides like ants trying to get away. vehicles were abandoned, rifles thrown away. a few had been burned, but it seemed that for the most part the soldiers had been sheltered from direct radiation by the wall of their canyon, and by kazu's great shadow. for an eternity, it seemed, kazu stood there, swaying slightly, one hand still pressed against his back, while the little men writhed about his ankles. then, quite slowly, he raised one foot. i thought that he was going to walk away, but instead, the foot moved deliberately until it was directly over the ravine, and then, like a tremendous pile driver, it descended. a faint and hideous screaming came up to us, which abruptly ended. the foot came up, and again descended, turning back and forth in the yielding earth. slowly kazu brought his hand up, and lifted our box so that he could look at us. as he did so, i saw that half of his hand was the color of charcoal, and i smelled a horrible odor of tons of burnt flesh. now at last he spoke, in a voice that we could scarcely understand. "guide me," he said, "guide me, baker. guide me to moscow!" vii kazu walked quite slowly from the battlefield. his gait was unsteady, and at first we feared that he would collapse. we could not tell how deep the burns were, nor whether he was internally hurt by the blast. he appeared to be suffering from some kind of shock, for he did not speak again for a long time. but gradually he seemed to gather himself together, and we became almost convinced that the shock was more psychological than physical, and that even the atom bomb was powerless against his might. we did not remain to see the outcome of the battle, but presently martin turned the radio on. the news at first was fragmentary. word that a russian plane had atom bombed the new buddha spread across china, and with it ended the last shreds of communist prestige. the armies which had been pro-communist turned on their officers. mao himself was murdered on the battlefield before kazu was out of sight. the former red defenders of shanghai massacred twenty thousand hapless russian emigrants. all across asia the story was the same, a terrible revulsion. at first it was believed that buddha had died instantly; later rumor had it that he had crawled off to mongolia to die. radio moscow at first was silent. the horror of what had been done was too much even for that well oiled propaganda machine. at last a line was patched together: the bomb had been dropped by an american plane, bearing russian markings. then radio peking announced that chinese fighters had shot it down and that the crew was russian. to this moscow could think of only one reply: radio peking was lying; the station had been taken over by the americans! a little later another moscow broadcast announced solemnly that the whole story was wrong--buddha hadn't been there at all! all the time that this confused flood of talk was circling the globe, kazu takahashi, still clinging to the battered steel projection room, was striding across siberia, staggering now and then, but still maintaining a pace of better than three hundred miles per hour. at first he simply walked westward without any directions from us. by ten o'clock he had put a thousand miles between him and the coast and was well across the southern gobi desert. now baker, who had been almost as stunned as kazu, began to look into his maps. he had nothing for central asia as detailed as the charts we had used in borneo and celebes, but he presently found a small scale map that would do. with this he identified the snowy range of mountains now towering on our left as the nan shan, northernmost bastion of tibet. he hurriedly called to kazu to turn northwest before he entered the great tarim basin, for the western side of that vast desert was closed by a range of mountains 20,000 feet high. even with the new course, our altitude would be above six thousand feet for many miles. at noon we were paralleling another mighty range, the little known altai mountains, and at one o'clock we passed the zaisan nor, the great lake which forms the headwaters for the irtysh river. here kazu paused for a drink, and to rinse his burns with fresh water. then we were away again, this time due west over more mountain tops, avoiding the inhabited lowlands. at three-thirty the hills dropped away and there appeared ahead the infinite green carpet of the siberian forest. kazu stopped again at another lake, which baker guessed might be dengiz. at four-thirty we crossed a wide river which we could not identify, and then at last commenced to climb into the foothills of the southern urals. just in time baker discovered that kazu's course was taking him straight toward the industrial city of magnetogorsk. we veered north again into the higher mountains and then turned east to the forests. we were sure now that kazu must be delirious, but after a while he stopped at the edge of a lake. "how far are we from moscow?" he asked. "twelve hundred miles, more or less," said baker. "you can make it by nine, maybe ten, tonight." kazu shook his head. "no. tonight i must rest, gather strength. we start two am, arrive kremlin at sunrise. we catch them same time they catch me. no warning whatever." kazu lay down on the swampy lake bottom while we huddled on the floor of the box, courting sleep which never came. at one o'clock we at last gave it up, and baker fired his pistol until kazu stirred. while he was awakening we listened to the radio. things had calmed down quite a bit, and as we pieced the various broadcasts together, an amazing realization came over us. everyone believed that kazu was dead! evidently no word of our trip across all of central asia had been received! search planes, both soviet and chinese, were combing the eastern gobi for the body. * * * * * other news included a war declaration by china upon the soviet union, and the announcement that the russian politbureau had scheduled a meeting in the kremlin to consider the emergency. we passed all of this on to kazu, whose grim face relaxed for the first time in a fleeting grin. "good reporters. know what are most savory items. now guide me well, and away from towns until we reach it." the trip across the urals and the plains of european russia retains a nightmare quality in my mind, comparable only with that first night on yat. even baker, who plotted the course, can remember it little better. now and again we caught glimpses of the dim lights in farms, and once we saw the old moon reflected in the volga. much of the low country was covered with ground fog, which reached to kazu's waist; this, combined with the blackout which had been ordered in every town, made observation by us or the russians either way difficult. a few people saw kazu, and their reports reflect a surrealist madness; those who had the horrifying experience of suddenly meeting buddha in the early morning mists were universally incapable of making any coherent report to the authorities. and then, just as the ghostly false dawn turned the night into a misty gray, we saw ahead the towers of moscow. now kazu increased his speed. concealment was no longer possible; he must reach the kremlin ahead of the warning. at 500 miles per hour buddha descended upon moscow. his plunging feet reduced block after block of stores and apartment houses to dust, and the sky behind us was lighted more brightly by the fires he started than by the dull red of the still unrisen sun. now at last i heard the tardy wail of a siren and saw armored cars darting through the streets. on the roof of an apartment house i glimpsed a crew trying to unlimber an antiaircraft gun, but kazu saw it also, and smashed the building to rubble with a passing kick. and then we were at the red square. st. basil's at one end, the fifty foot stone walls of the kremlin along one side and lenin's tomb like a pile of red children's blocks. kazu stood for a moment surveying this famous scene, his feet sunk to the ankle in a collapsed subway. it was my first view of the red square, and somehow i knew that it would be the last, for anyone. then kazu slowly walked to the kremlin and looked down into it. i remember how suddenly absurd it all seemed. the kremlin walls, the very symbol of the iron curtain, were scarcely six inches high! the whole thing was only a child's playpen. but now kazu had found what he wanted. without bothering to lift his feet, he crushed through the walls, reached down and pulled the roof from one of the buildings. he uncovered a brightly lighted ant-hill. like a dollhouse exposed, he revealed rooms and corridors along which men were running. kazu dropped to his knees and held our box up so that we might also see. "are these the men?" he asked. baker replied in the negative. kazu abruptly pressed his hand into the building, crushing masonry and timbers and humans all into a heap of dust, and turned to a larger building. as he did, something about it seemed familiar to me. yes, i had seen it before, in newsreels. it was-but again kazu's fingers were at work. lifting at the eaves, he carefully took off the whole roof. through a window we saw figures hurrying toward a covered bridge connecting this building with another. at baker's warning, kazu demolished the bridge, and then gently began picking the structure to pieces. in a moment we saw what we were after. a wall was pulled down, exposing a great room with oil paintings of lenin and stalin on the wall and a long conference table in the center. and clustered between the table and the far wall were a score of men. anyone would have recognized them, for their faces had gone round the world in posters, magazines and newsreels. they were the men of the politbureau. they were red russia's rulers. there was an instant of silent mutual recognition, and then kazu spoke to them. as befitting a god, he spoke in their own tongue. exactly what he said i do not know, but after a little hesitation they came around the table to the precarious edge of the room where the outer wall had been. kazu gave further directions and held up our steel box. fearfully they came forward and jumped the gap into our door. one by one they made the leap, some dressed in the bemedalled uniforms of marshals, others in the semi-military tunics affected by civilian ministers. the last was the man who had succeeded stalin on his death, and who had taken for himself the same name, as though it were a title. as he entered our room, we saw that he even looked like the first stalin, clipped hair, moustache and all. he was a brilliant man, we knew. brilliant and ruthless. he had grown up through the purges, in a world which knew no mercy, where only the fittest, by communist standards, survived. he had survived, because he was merciless and efficient and because he hated the free west with a hatred that was deadly and implacable. * * * * * i often wonder what his thoughts were at that moment. he came because he was ordered to and because he knew the alternative. he knew he was to die, but he obeyed because by so doing he could prolong life a little, and because there was always a chance. at that moment i deeply regretted knowing no russian. the twenty one who came in talked among themselves in short sentences. they saw us, but ignored us. baker spoke, first in english and then in german. the one called stalin understood the german, for he looked at baker searchingly for a moment, and then turned away. only one of them replied. this was malik, the man who wrecked the old united nations and then became foreign minister after vishinsky was murdered. he ignored the german and spat out his reply in english. "you will not live to gloat over us. he will kill you too, all of you!" we can never be sure of what kazu planned, because now--and of this i am certain--his plans changed. there was suddenly a stillness. we waited. then i ran to the window and looked upward into the great face. it had changed. a deep weariness and a bewilderment was upon it--as though kazu had suddenly sickened of destruction and slaughter. his whispering was the roaring of winds as he said, "no--no. this is not the way--not buddha's way. they must talk. they must understand each other. they must sit at tables and settle their differences, that is my mission." kazu took five steps. below us was an airfield. "can you fly?" he asked us. chamberlin had been an army pilot in the fifties. kazu pushed the box up to a transport, an american dc8. "go in this," he said quite clearly. "go in this plane until you are in washington. tell america about me. tell america i am coming--that i am bringing--_them_. tell america there must be--peace." we scrambled out of the steel box, leaving the russians in a miserable heap in one corner. he arose to his full height and carefully adjusted the cables around his neck. i noticed that his fingers fumbled awkwardly, and that he staggered slightly. then he spoke once more. "i cannot cross atlantic. only route for buddha is siberia, bering straight, alaska. but this not take long. you better hurry or i get to washington first!" he turned on his heel and walked a few steps to the end of the runway. "now get in plane. i give little help in takeoff!" we climbed into the familiar interior of the big american transport. a moment later it arose silently, vertically like an elevator. chamberlin, in the pilot's seat, hurriedly started the engines. he leaned from a window and waved his arm, and we shot forward and upward. for a moment the plane wavered and dipped, taking all of walt's ability to recover. then with a powerful roar, the big dc8 zoomed over the flames of moscow toward the west. * * * * * the flight to london and the atlantic crossing seemed unreal. we lived beside the radio. war and revolt against the soviets had broken out everywhere. with the directing power in the kremlin gone, the top-heavy soviet bureaucracy was paralyzed. the yugoslavs marched into the ukraine, chinese armies occupied irkutsk and were pressing across siberia. internal revolution broke out at a hundred points once it was learned that moscow was no more. eagerly we listened to every report for word of kazu. at first there was nothing, and then a chinese plane reported seeing him crossing the ob river, near the arctic circle. they said that he carried a box in his hand and appeared to be talking to it. then news from the tiny river settlement of zhigansk on the lena that he had passed, but that he limped and staggered as he climbed the mountains beyond. after that, silence. planes swarmed over eastern siberia, the arctic coast and alaska, but found nothing. five hundred tons of c ration were rushed to fairbanks, and tons of medical supplies for burns and possible illness were readied, but no patient appeared. at first we were hopeful, knowing kazu's powers. perhaps he had lost his way, without baker and the maps, but surely he could not vanish. as the days passed baker became more worried. "it's the radiation," he explained. "he took the full dose of gamma rays right in his back. he might go on for days, and then suddenly keel over. he's had a bad burn outside, but it's nothing to what it did to him internally." so the days passed, and so gradually hope died. and then, at last, there was news. it came, belatedly, from an eskimo hunter on the pribolof islands, in bering sea. he reported that a great sea god had come out of the waters, so tall that his head vanished into the clouds. but, he was a sick god, for he could hardly stand, and soon crawled on his hands. around his neck, said the eskimo, he carried a charm, and he spoke words to this in a strange tongue. and the charm answered him in the same tongue, and with the voice of a man. and the two spoke to each other for a time and then the great one arose and walked off of the island and into the fog and the ocean. questioned, the man was somewhat vague as to the exact direction taken, although it seemed clear that kazu had headed south. when baker examined his chart of bering sea, he found that the ocean to the north and west, towards siberia, was shallow--less than five hundred feet. but the pribolofs stood on the edge of a great deep. only twenty miles south of the islands, the ocean floor dropped off to more than ten thousand feet, for three hundred miles of icy fog shrouded ocean, before the bleak aleutians arose out of the mists. this desolate area was searched for months by ships and planes, but no trace ever appeared from the treacherous currents of the stormy sea. kazu had vanished. so here ended the story of kazu takahashi, who was born in the days of the first bomb, and who died by the last ever to sear the world. he was believed by millions to be the incarnation of the lord buddha, but to four men he was known not as a god but as a great and good man. the end * * * * * transcriber notes: this etext was produced from if worlds of science fiction november 1952. extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the u.s. copyright on this publication was renewed. obvious punctuation errors have been corrected. corrections made: page 6 original: wind, and its damned serious." replacement: wind, and it's damned serious." page 16 original: first fence, and affair of steel posts replacement: first fence, an affair of steel posts page 31 original: when baker as only part-way replacement: when baker was only part-way page 34 original: handfulls of the unseasoned stuff, replacement: handfuls of the unseasoned stuff, unchanged: page 16 sculping a king sized buddha after sculping is an old useage of the word page 55 straight, alaska. but this not straight is an old useage of the word tom swift in captivity or a daring escape by airship by victor appleton author of "tom swift and his motor-cycle," "tom swift and his wireless message," "tom swift in the city of gold," etc. illustrated contents i a strange request ii the circus man iii tom will go iv "look out for my rival!" v andy foger learns something vi alarming news vii fire on board viii a narrow escape ix "forward march!" x a wild horse stampede xi caught in a living rope xii a native battle xiii the desertion xiv in giant land xv in the "palace" of the king xvi the rival circus man xvii held captives xviii tom's mysterious box xix weak giants xx the lone captive xxi a royal conspiracy xxii the twin giants xxiii a surprise in the night xxiv the airship flight xxv tom's giant--conclusion chapter i a strange request tom swift closed the book of adventures he had been reading, tossed it on the table, and got up. then he yawned. "what's the matter?" asked his chum, ned newton, who was deep in another volume. "oh, i thought this was going to be something exciting," replied tom, motioning toward the book he had discarded. "but say! the make-believe adventures that fellow had, weren't anything compared to those we went through in the city of gold, or while rescuing the exiles of siberia." "well," remarked ned, "they would have to be pretty classy adventures to lay over those you and i have had lately. but where are you going?" he continued, for tom had taken his cap and started for the door. "i thought i'd go out and take a little run in the aeroplane. want to come along? it's more fun than sitting in the house reading about exciting things that never have happened. come on out and--" "yes, and have a tumble from the aeroplane, i suppose you were going to say," interrupted ned with a laugh. "not much! i'm going to stay here and finish this book." "say," demanded tom indignantly. "did you ever know me to have a tumble since i knew how to run an airship?" "no, i can't say that i did. i was only joking." "then you carried the joke too far, as the policeman said to the man he found lugging off money from the bank. and to make up for it you've got to come along with me." "where are you going?" "oh, anywhere. just to take a little run in the upper regions, and clear some of the cobwebs out of my head. i declare, i guess i've got the spring fever. i haven't done anything since we got back from russia last fall, and i'm getting rusty." "you haven't done anything!" exclaimed ned, following his chum's example by tossing aside the book. "do you call working on your new invention of a noiseless airship nothing?" "well, i haven't finished that yet. i'm tired of inventing things. i just want to go off, and have some good fun, like getting shipwrecked on a desert island, or being lost in the mountains, or something like that. i want action. i want to get off in the jungle, and fight wild beasts, and escape from the savages!" "say! you don't want much," commented ned. "but i feel the same way, tom." "then come on out and take a run, and maybe we'll get on the track of an adventure," urged the young inventor. "we won't go far, just twenty or thirty miles or so." the two youths emerged from the house and started across the big lawn toward the aeroplane sheds, for tom swift owned several speedy aircrafts, from a big combined aeroplane and dirigible balloon, to a little monoplane not much larger than a big bird, but which was the most rapid flier that ever breathed the fumes of gasolene. "which one you going to take, tom?" asked ned, as his chum paused in front of the row of hangars. "oh, the little double-seated monoplane, i guess that's in good shape, and it's easy to manage. when i'm out for fun i hate to be tinkering with levers and warping wing tips all the while. the lark practically flies herself, and we can sit back and take it easy. i'll have eradicate fill up the gasolene tank, while i look at the magneto. it needs a little adjusting, though it works nearly to perfection since i put in some of that new platinum we got from the lost mine in siberia." "yes, that was a trip that amounted to something. i wouldn't mind going on another like that, though we ran lots of risks." "we sure did," agreed tom, and then, raising his voice he called out: "rad, i say rad! where are you? i want you!" "comin', massa tom, comin'," answered an aged colored man, as he shuffled around the corner of the shed. "what do yo'-all want ob me?" "put some gasolene in the lark, rad. ned and i are going to take a little flight. what were you doing?" "jest groomin' mah mule boomerang, massa tom, dat's all. po' boomerang he's gittin' old jest same laik i be. he's gittin' old, an' he needs lots ob 'tention. he has t' hab mo' oats dan usual, massa tom, an' he doan't feel 'em laik he uster, dat's a fac', massa tom." "well, rad, give him all he wants. boomerang was a good mule in his day." "an' he's good yet, massa tom, he's good yet!" said eradicate sampson eagerly. "doan't yo' all forgit dat, massa tom." and the colored man proceeded to fill the gasolene tank, while tom adjusted the electrical mechanism of his aeroplane, ned assisting by handing him the tools needed. eradicate, who said he was named that because he "eradicated" dirt, was a colored man of all work, who had been in the service of the swift household for several years. he and his mule boomerang were fixtures. "there, i guess that will do," remarked tom, after testing the magneto, and finding that it gave a fat, hot spark. "that ought to send us along in good shape. got all the gas in, rad?" "every drop, massa tom." "then catch hold and help wheel the lark out. ned, you steady her on that side. how are the tires? do they need pumping up?" "hard as rocks," answered tom's chum, as he tapped his toe against the rubber circlets of the small bicycle wheels on which the aeroplane rested. "then they'll do, i guess. come on now, and we'll give her a test before we start off. i ought to get a few hundred more revolutions per minute out of the motor with the way i've adjusted the magneto. rad, you and ned hold back, while i turn the engine over." the youth and the colored man grasped the rear supports of the long, tail-like part of the monoplane while tom stepped to the front to twist the propeller blades. the first two times there was no explosion as he swung the delicate wooden blades about, but the third time the engine started off with a roar, and a succession of explosions that were deafening, until tom switched in the muffler, thereby cutting down the noise. faster and faster the propeller whirled about as the motor warmed up, until the young inventor exclaimed: "that's the stuff! she's better than ever! climb up ned, and we'll start off. you can turn her over, rad; can't you?" "suah, massa tom," was the reply, for eradicate had been on so many trips with tom, and had had so much to do with airships, that to merely start one was child's play for him. the two youths had scarcely taken their seats, and the colored man was about to twist around the fan-like blades of the big propeller in front, when from behind there came a hail. "hold on there! wait a minute, tom swift! bless my admission ticket, don't go! i've got something important to tell you! hold on!" "humph! i know who that is!" cried tom, motioning to eradicate to cease trying to start the motor. "mr. damon, of course," agreed ned. "i wonder what he wants?" "a ride, maybe," went on tom. "if he does we've got to take the scooter instead of this one. that holds four. well, we may as well see what he wants." he jumped lightly from his seat in the monoplane and was followed by ned. they saw coming toward them, from the direction of the house, a stout man, who seemed very much excited. he was walking so fast that he fairly waddled, and he was smiling at the lads, for he was one of their best friends. "glad i caught you, tom." he panted, for his haste had almost deprived him of breath. "i've got something important to tell you. i hurried over as soon as i heard about it." "well, you're just in time," commented ned with a laugh. "in another minute we'd have been up in the clouds." "what is it, mr. damon?" asked tom. "have you got wind of a city of diamonds, or has some one sent you a map telling where we can go to pick up ten thousand dollar bills by the basket?" "neither one, tom, neither one. it's something better than either of those, and if you don't jump at the chance i'm mistaken in you, that's all i've got to say. come over here." he turned a quick glance over his shoulder as he spoke and advanced toward the two lads on tiptoe as though he feared some one would see or hear him. yet it was broad daylight, the place was the starting ground for tom's aeroplanes and save eradicate there was no one present except mr. damon, ned and the young inventor himself. "what's up?" asked tom in wonderment. "hush!" cautioned the odd gentleman. "bless my walking stick, tom! but this is going to be a great chance for you--for us,--for i'm going along." "going where, mr. damon?" "i'll tell you in a minute. is there any one here?" "no one but us?" "you are sure that andy foger isn't around." "sure. he's out of town, you know." "yes, but you never can tell when he's going to appear on the scene. come over here," and taking hold of the coat of each of the youths, mr. damon led them behind the big swinging door of the aeroplane shed. "you haven't anything on hand; have you, tom?" asked the odd gentleman, after peering through the crack to make sure they were unobserved. "nothing at all, if you mean in the line of going off on an adventure trip." "that's what i mean. bless my earlaps! but i'm glad of that. i've got just the thing for you. tom, i want you to go to a strange land, and bring back one of the biggest men there--a giant! tom swift, you and i and ned--if he wants to go--are going after a giant!" mr. damon gleefully clapped tom on the back, with such vigor that our hero coughed, and then the odd gentleman stepped back and gazed at the two lads, a look of triumph shining in his eyes. for a moment there was a silence. tom looked at ned, and ned gave his chum a quick glance. then they both looked sharply at mr. damon. "a--a giant," murmured tom faintly. "that's what i said," replied mr. damon. "i want you to help me capture a giant, tom." once more the two youths exchanged significant glances, and then tom, in a low and gentle voice said: "yes, mr. damon, that's all right. we'll get you a giant right away. won't we, ned? now you'd better come in the house and lie down, i'll have mrs. baggert make you a cup of tea, and after you have had a sleep you'll feel better. come on," and the young inventor gently tried to lead his friend out from behind the shed door. "look here, tom swift!" exclaimed the odd gentleman indignantly. "do you think i'm crazy? lie down? rest myself? go to sleep? say, i'm not crazy! i'm not tired! i'm not sleepy! this is the greatest chance you ever had, and if we get one of those giants--" "yes, yes, we'll get one," put in ned soothingly. "of course," added tom. "come on, now, mr. damon. you'll feel better after you've had a rest. dr. perkinby is coming over to see father and i'll have him--" mr. damon gave one startled glance at the young inventor and his chum, and then burst into a peal of hearty laughter. "oh, my!" he exclaimed at intervals in his paroxysms. "oh, dear! he thinks i'm out of my head! he can't stand that talk about giants! oh dear! tom swift, this is the greatest chance you ever had! come on in the house and i'll tell you all i know about giant land, and then if you want to think i'm crazy you can, that's all i've got to say!" chapter ii the circus man without a word tom and ned followed mr. damon toward the swift house. truth to tell the youths did not know what to say, or they would have been bubbling over with questions. but the talk of the odd man, and his strange request to tom to go off and capture a giant had so startled the young inventor and his chum that they did not know whether to think that mr. damon was joking, or whether he had suddenly taken leave of his senses. and while i have a few minutes that are occupied in the journey to the house i will introduce my new readers more formally to tom swift and his friends. tom though only a young man, was an inventor of note, as his father was before him. father and son lived in a fine house in the town of shopton, in new york state, and mrs. swift being dead, the two were well looked after by mrs. baggert their housekeeper. eradicate sampson, as i have said, was the man of all work about the place. ned newton who had a position in a shopton bank, was tom's particular chum, and mr. wakefeld damon, of the neighboring town of waterfield, was a friend to all who knew him. he had the odd habit of blessing anything and everything he could think of, interspersing it in his talk. in the first volume of this series, called "tom swift and his motor-cycle," i related how tom made the acquaintance of mr. damon, afterward purchasing a damaged motor-cycle from the odd gentleman. on this machine tom had many adventures, incidentally saving some of his father's valuable patents from a gang of conspirators. later tom got a motor boat, and had many races with his rivals on lake carlopa, beating andy foger, the red-haired bully of the town, in signal fashion. after his adventures on the water tom sighed for some in the air, and he had them in his airship the red cloud. "tom swift and his submarine boat." is a story of a search after sunken treasure, and, returning from that quest tom built an electric runabout, the speediest car on the road. by means of a wireless message, later, tom was able to save himself and the castaways of earthquake island, and, as a direct outcome of that experience, he was able to go in search of the diamond makers, and solve the secret of phantom mountain, as told in the book dealing with that subject. when he went to the caves of ice tom had bad luck, for his airship was wrecked, and he endured many hardships in getting home with his companions, particularly as andy foger sought revenge on him. but tom pluckily overcame all obstacles and, later, he built a sky racer, in which he made the quickest trip on record. after that, with his electric rifle, he went after elephants in the interior of africa and was successful in rescuing some missionaries from the terrible red pygmies. one of the mission workers, later, sent tom details about a buried city of gold in mexico, and tom and his chum together with mr. damon located this mysterious place after much trouble, as told in the book entitled, "tom swift in the city of gold." the gold did not prove as valuable as they expected, as it was of low grade, but they got considerable money for it, and were then ready for more adventures. the adventures soon came, as those of you who have read the book called, "tom swift and his air glider," can testify. in that i told how tom went to siberia, and after rescuing some russian political exiles, found a valuable deposit of platinum, which to-day is a more valuable metal than gold. tom needed some platinum for his electrical machines, and it proved very useful. he had been back from russia all winter and, now that spring had come again, our hero sighed for more activity, and fresh adventures. and with the advent of mr. damon, and his mysterious talk about giants, tom seemed likely to be gratified. the two chums and the odd gentleman continued on to the house, no one speaking, until finally, when they were seated in the library, mr. damon said: "well, tom, are you ready to listen to me now, and have me explain what i meant when i asked you to get a giant?" "i--i suppose so," hesitated the young inventor. "but hadn't i better call dad? and are you sure you don't want to lie down and collect your thoughts? a nice hot cup of tea--" "there, there, tom swift; if you tell me to lie down again, or propose any more tea i'll use you as a punching bag, bless my boxing gloves if i don't!" cried mr. damon and he laughed heartily. "i know what you think, tom, and you, too, ned," he went on, still chuckling. "you think i don't know what i'm saying, but i'll soon prove that i do. i'm fully in my senses, i'm not crazy, i'm not talking in my sleep, and i'm very much in earnest. tom, this is the chance of your life to get a giant, and pay a visit to giant land. will you take it?" "mr. damon, i--er--that is i--" tom stammered and looked at ned. "now look here, tom swift!" exclaimed the odd man. "when you got word about the buried city of gold in mexico you didn't hesitate a minute about making up your mind to go there; did you?" "no, i didn't." "well, that wasn't any more of a strain on your imagination than this giant business; was it?" "well, i don't know, as--" "bless my spectacles! of course it wasn't! now, look here. tom, you just make up your mind that i know what i'm talking about, and we'll get along better. i don't blame you for being a bit puzzled at first, but just you listen. you believe there are such things as giants; don't you?" "i saw a man in the circus once, seven feet high. they called him a giant," spoke ned. "a giant! he was a baby compared to the kind of giants i mean," said mr. damon quickly. "tom, we are going after a race of giants, the smallest one of which is probably eight feet high, and from that they go on up to nearly ten feet, and they're not slim fellows either, but big in proportion. now in giant land--" "here's mrs. baggert with a quieting cup of tea," interrupted tom. "i spoke to her as we came in, and asked her to have some ready. if you'll drink this, mr. damon, i'm sure--" "bless my sugar bowl, tom! you make a man nervous, with your cups of tea. i'm more quiet than you, but i'll drink it to please you. now listen to me." "all right, go ahead." "a friend of mine has asked me if i knew any one who could undertake to go to giant land, and get him one or two specimens of the big men there. i at once thought of you, and i said i believed you would go. and i'll go with you, tom! think of that! i've got faith enough in the proposition to go myself!" there was no mistaking mr. damon's manner. he was very much in earnest, and tom and ned looked at each other with a different light in their eyes. "who is your friend, and where in the world is giant land?" asked tom. "i haven't heard of such a place since i read the accounts of the early travelers, before this continent was discovered. who is your friend that wants a giant?" "if you'll let me, i'll have him here in a minute, tom." "of course i will. but good land! have you got him concealed up your sleeve, or under some of the chairs? is he a dwarf?" and tom looked about the room as if he expected to see some one in hiding. "i left him outside in the garden, tom," replied the odd man. "i told him i'd come on ahead, and see how you took the proposition. don't tell him you thought me insane at first. i'll have him here in a jiffy. i'll signal to him." not waiting for a word from either of the boys, mr. damon went to one of the low library windows, opened it, gave a shrill whistle and waved his handkerchief vigorously. in a moment there came an answering whistle. "he's coming," announced the odd gentleman. "but who is he?" insisted tom. "is he some professor who wants a giant to examine, or is he a millionaire who wants one for a body guard?" "neither one, tom. he's the proprietor of a number of circuses, and a string of museums, and he wants a giant, or even two of them, for exhibition purposes. there's lots of money in giants. he's had some seven, and even eight feet tall, but he has lately heard of a land where the tallest man is nearly ten feet high, and very big, and he'll pay ten thousand dollars for a giant alive and in good condition, as the animal men say. i believe we can get one for him, and--ah, here he is now," and mr. damon interrupted himself as a small, dark-complexioned man, with a very black mustache, black eyes, a watch chain as big around as his thumb, a red vest, a large white hat, and a suit of large-sized checked clothes appeared at the open library window. "is it all right?" this strange-appearing man asked of mr. damon. "i believe so," replied the odd gentleman. "come in, sam." with one bound, though the window was some distance from the ground, the little man leaped into the library. he landed lightly on his feet, quickly turned two hand springs in rapid succession, and then, without breathing in the least rapidly, as most men would have done after that exertion, he made a low bow to tom and ned. "boys, let me introduce you to my friend, sam preston, an old acrobat and now a circus proprietor," said mr. damon. "mr. preston, this is tom swift, of whom i told you, and his chum, ned newton." "and will they get the giant for me?" asked the circus man quickly. "i think they will," replied mr. damon. "i had a little difficulty in making the matter clear to them, and that's why i sent for you. you can explain everything." "have a chair," invited tom politely. "this is a new one on me--going after giants. i've done almost everything else, though." "so mr. damon said," spoke mr. preston gravely. he was much more sedate and composed than one would have supposed after his sensational entrance into the room. "i am very glad to meet you, tom swift, and i hope we can do business together. now, if you have a few minutes to spare, i'll tell you all i know about giant land." chapter iii tom will go "jove! that sounds interesting!" exclaimed ned, as he settled himself comfortably in his chair. "it is interesting," replied the circus man. "at least i found it so when i first listened to one of my men tell it. but whether it is possible to get to giant land, and, what is more bring away some of the big men, is something i leave to you, tom swift. after you have heard my story, if you decide to go, i'll stand all the expenses of fitting out an expedition, and if you fail i won't have a word to say. if, on the other hand, you bring me back a giant or two, i'll pay you ten thousand dollars and all expenses. is it a bargain?" "let me hear the story first," suggested our hero, who was a cautious lad when there was need for it. yet he liked mr. preston, even at first sight, in spite of his "loud" attire, and the rather "circusy" manner in which he had entered the room. then too, if he was a friend of mr. damon, that was a great deal in his favor. "i am, as you know, in the circus business," began mr. preston. "i have a number of traveling shows, and several large museums in the big cities. i am always on the lookout for new attractions, for the public demands them. once get in the rut of having nothing new, and your business will fall off. i know, for i've been in the business, man and boy, for nearly forty years. i began as a performer, and i can still do a double somersault over fifteen elephants in a row. i always keep in practice for there's nothing like showing a performer how to do a thing yourself." "but about the giants, which is what i'm interested in most now. of course i've had giants in my circuses and museums, from the beginning. the public wanted 'em and we had to have 'em. some of 'em were fakes--men on stilts with long pants to cover up their legs, and others were the real, genuine, all-wool-and-a-yard-wide article. but none of them were very big. a shade under eight feet was the limit with me." "i also have lots of wild animals, and it was when some of my men were out after some tapirs, jaguars and leopards that i got on the track of the giants. it was about a year ago, but up to this time i haven't seen my way clear to send after the big men. it was this way:" mr. preston assumed a more comfortable position in his chair, nodded at mr. damon, who was listening attentively to all that was said, and resumed. "as i said i had sent jake poddington, one of my best men, after tapirs and some other south american animals. he didn't have very good luck hunting along the amazon. in the first place that region has been pretty well cleaned out of circus animals, and another thing it's getting too well populated. another thing is that you can't get the native hunters and beaters to work for you as they did years ago." "so poddington wrote to me that he was going to take his assistants, make a big jump, and hike it for the argentine republic. he had a tip that along the salado river there might be something doing, and i told him to go ahead." "he shipped me what few animals he had, and lit out for a three thousand mile journey. i didn't hear from him for some time, and, when i did, i got the finest collection of animals i had ever laid eyes on. i got them about the same time i did a letter from jake, for the mail service ain't what you could call rushing in that part of south america." "but what about the giants?" interrupted mr. damon. "i'm coming to them," replied the circus man calmly. "it was this way: at the tail of his letter which he sent with the shipment of animals jake said this, and i remember it almost word for word:" "'if all goes well,' he wrote, 'i'll have a big surprise for you soon. i've heard a story about a race of big natives that have their stamping ground in this section, and i'm going to try for a few specimens. i know how much you want a giant.'" "well?" asked tom, after a pause, for the circus man had ceased talking and was staring out of the opened library window into the garden that was just becoming green. "that was all i ever heard from poor jake," said mr. preston softly. "bless my insurance policy!" gasped mr. damon. "you didn't tell me that! what happened to him." "i never could find out," resumed mr. preston. "i never heard another word from him, and i've never seen him from the time i parted with him to go after the animals. the letter saying he was going after the giants was the last line of his i've seen." "but didn't you try to locate him?" asked tom. "didn't he have some companions--some one who could tell what became of him?" "of course i tried!" exclaimed mr. preston. "do you think i'd let a man like jake disappear without making some effort to find him? but he was the only white man in his party, the rest were natives. that was jake's way. well, when some time past and i didn't hear from him, i got busy. i wrote to our consuls and even some south american merchants with whom i had done business. but it didn't amount to anything." "couldn't you get any news?" asked ned softly. "oh, yes, some, but it didn't amount to much. after a long time, and no end of trouble, i had a man locate a native named zacatas, who was the head beater of the black men under jake." "zacatas said that he and jake and the others got safely to the salado river section, but i knew that before, for that was where the fine shipment of animals came from. then jake got that tip about the giants, and set off alone into the interior to locate them, for all the natives were afraid to go. that was the last seen of poor jake." "bless my fire shovel!" cried mr. damon. "what did zacatas say became of the poor fellow?" "no one knew. whether he reached giant land and was killed there, or whether he was struck down by some wild beast in the jungle, i never could find out. the natives under zacatas waited in camp for him for some time, and then went back to the amazon region where they belonged. that's all the news i could get." "but i'm sure there are giants in the interior of south america, for jake always knew what he was talking about. now i want to do two things. i want to get on the trail of poor jake poddington if i can, and i want a giant--two or three of them if it can be managed." "ever since jake disappeared i've been trying to arrange things to make a search for him, and for the giants, but up to now something has been in the way. i happened to mention the matter to my friend, mr. damon, and he at once spoke of you, tom swift." "now, what i want to know is this: will you undertake to get a giant for me, rescue jake poddington if he is alive in the interior of south america, or, if he is dead, find out how it happened and give him decent burial? will you do this, tom swift?" there was a silence in the room following the dramatic and simple recital of the circus man. tom was strangely moved, as was his chum ned. as for mr. damon, he was softly blessing every thing he could think of. tom looked out of the long, opened windows of the library. in fancy he could see the forest and jungles of south america. he saw a sluggish river flowing along between rank green banks, while, from the overhanging trees, long festoons of moss hung down, writhing now and then as the big water anacondas or boa constrictors looped their sinuous folds over the low limbs. in fancy he saw dark-skinned natives slinking along with their deadly blow guns, and poisoned arrows. he thought he could hear the low growls and whines of the treacherous jaguars and see their lithe bodies slinking along. he saw the brilliant-hued flowers, saw the birds of gorgeous plumage, and listened in fancy to their discordant cries. then, too, he saw a lonely white man in a miserable native hut thousands of miles from civilization, waiting, waiting, waiting for he knew not what fate. again he saw monstrous men stalking along--men who towered ten feet or more, and who were big and brawny. all this passed through the mind of tom in an instant. "well?" asked mr. preston softly. "i'll go!" suddenly cried the young inventor. "i don't know whether i can get you a giant or not, mr. preston, but if it's possible i'll get poor jake poddington, dead or alive!" "good!" cried the circus man, jumping up and clasping tom's hand. "i thought you were that kind of a lad, after i heard mr. damon describe you. you've taken a big load off my heart, tom swift. now to talk of ways and means! i'll have a giant yet, and maybe i'll get back the best man who ever shipped a consignment of wild animals, good jake poddington! now to business!" chapter iv "look out for my rival!" "you'll go in an airship of course; won't you, tom?" asked mr. damon, when they had pulled their chairs up around a library table, and mr. preston had taken some papers from his pocket. "an airship? no, i don't believe i shall," replied the young inventor. "in the first place, i'm a bit tired of scooting through the air so much, though it isn't to be denied that it's the quickest way of going. but in south america there are so many jungles that it will be hard to find a level starting ground for a take-off, after we land. of course we could go up as a balloon, but this expedition is going to be different from any we were ever on before." "how so?" asked ned. "well, in the first place we've got to start at one end of a trail, and make careful inquiries all along the way. it isn't like when we went for the city of gold. there we had to look for a certain ruined temple, which was the landmark. when we went after the platinum in siberia we had to look for the place of the high winds, so i could use my air glider. but now we're trying to locate a man who traveled on foot through the jungles, and if we went in an airship we might just miss the connecting link." "so, i think the best way will be to do just as mr. poddington did--travel on foot or by horses and mules, and go slowly, making inquiries from time to time. then we may get to giant land, we may find him." "i don't hope for all that," said the circus man, "but if you can only get some news of him it will be a relief. if he died peaceably it would be better than to be a captive among some of those savage tribes. it's been a year now since i heard the last of him. but i agree with tom that an airship won't be much good in the jungle. you might take along a small one, if you could pack it, to scare the natives with. in fact it might be a good thing to show to the giants, if you find them." "that is my idea," declared tom. "i'll take the lark with me. that's a mighty powerful machine for its size, and it can be taken apart in sections. it will carry three on a pinch, and i have had five in her with two auxiliary seats. i'll take the lark, and she may come in handy." "when can you start?" asked mr. preston. "as soon as we can fit out an expedition," answered tom. "it oughtn't to take long. i don't have to build an air glider this time. it won't take long to take the lark apart. i haven't finished work on my noiseless airship yet, but that can wait. yes, we'll be ready as soon as you want us to start, mr. preston." "it can't be too soon for me. i'll deposit a certain sum in the bank to your credit, tom, and you can draw on it for expenses. i'll pay any amount to get word of poor jake, to say nothing of having a giant for my circus. now as to ways of getting there. have you a large map of south america?" tom had one, and he and the others were pouring over it when tom's father came into the room. "well, well!" he exclaimed. "what's this? what are you up to now, tom, my boy? mrs. baggert said you took down the south american map. what's up?" "lots, dad? i'm going after giants this time!" "giants, tom? are you joking?" "not a bit of it, mr. swift," answered mr. damon. "bless my check book! i believe if some one wanted the moon tom swift would try to get it for them." then mr. swift noticed the stranger present, and was introduced to the circus man. "is it really true, tom," asked the aged inventor, when the story had been related, "are you going to have a try for giant land?" "that's what i am, dad, and i wish you were going along." "no, tom, i'm getting too old for that. but i did hope you'd stay home for a while, and help me work on my gyroscope invention. it is almost completed." "i will help you, dad, as soon as i get back with a giant or two. who knows? maybe i'll get one myself." "what would you do with one?" asked ned with a laugh. "have him help eradicate," answered the young inventor. "rad is getting pretty old, and he needs an assistant." "but are these giants black?" asked mr. swift. "that's a point i don't know," answered the circus man frankly. "jake didn't say in his letter. they may be black, white or midway between. that's what tom has got to find out for us." "and i'll do it!" exclaimed our hero. "now let's see. i suppose the best plan would be to take a ship right to the rio de la plata, landing say at buenos ayres or montevideo, and then organize an expedition to strike into the interior." "why don't you do just as mr. poddington did?" asked ned, "start from the amazon and work south?" "it would take too long," declared tom. "we know that the giants are somewhere in the northern part of argentina, or in paraguay or uruguay. or they may be on the other side of the uruguay river in brazil. it's quite a stretch of territory, and we've got to take our time exploring it. that's why i don't want to waste time working down from the amazon. we'll go right to buenos ayres, i think." "that's what i'd do," advised the old circus man. "now i can give you some points on what to take, and how to act when you get there. the south americans are a queer people--very nice when treated right, but very bad if not," and then he told some of his experiences as a circus man in south america, for he had traveled there. "i'd go again, if my business didn't keep me here," he concluded, "for i'd ask nothing better than to hunt for giant land, or try to rescue poor jake. but i can't. i'm depending on you, tom swift." "what's that? giant land?" exclaimed mrs. baggert, the motherly housekeeper, as she came in to announce that dinner was ready. "you don't mean to tell me, tom, that you're going off again?" "that's what i am, mrs. baggert. you'd better put me up a few sandwiches, for i don't know when i'll be back," and tom winked at his chum. "oh, of all things i ever heard in all my born days!" cried the housekeeper, throwing up her hands. "will you ever settle down, tom swift?" "maybe he will when miss mary nestor is ready to settle down too," said ned mischievously, referring to a girl of whom tom was very fond. "say, i'll fix you for that!" cried our hero, as he made an unsuccessful grab for ned. "but, mrs. baggert, can you put on a couple of extra plates? mr. damon and mr. preston will stay to lunch." "not if it's going to put you out, tom," objected the circus man. "i can go to the hotel, and--" "no, indeed!" exclaimed mrs. baggert graciously, for she prided herself on her housekeeping arrangements, and she used to say that unexpected company never "flustrated" her. soon the little party was seated around the table, where the talk went from grave to gay, the subject of the giants being uppermost. mr. preston told many funny stories of his circus days, and some of them had the spice of danger in them, for he had been all over the world, either as a performer or as the owner of amusement enterprises. "now, the next question to be settled," said the old circus man, when they were once more gathered in the library, "is how many are going?" "i am, for one!" exclaimed ned quickly. "i'm sure my folks will let me. especially as we aren't going to use an airship, but will travel just as ordinary folks do." "except in case of emergency," explained tom. "we'll have the lark to use if we need her." "oh, of course," agreed ned. "how about you, mr. damon? will you go?" the odd man looked around the room before replying, as though he feared someone might be listening on the sly. "go on, andy foger isn't here," invited tom with a laugh. "i'll go--if i can pursuade my wife to let me," said the odd man in a whisper, as if, even then, the good lady might overhear him. "i'm not going to say anything about giants. i'll tell her we are going to rescue a poor fellow from--er--well from the natives of south america, and i'm sure she'll consent. of course i'll go." "that's three," remarked tom. "i think i can get eradicate to go. he doesn't like airships, and when he knows we're not going in one it will please him. then he likes it hot, and i guess south america is about as warm as they come. i am almost sure we can count on rad." "that will make a nice party," commented the circus man. "now i'll make out a list of the supplies you'd better take, and tell you what to do about getting native helpers, and so on," and with that he plunged into the midst of details that took up most of the remainder of the day. "well, then i guess that settles most everything," remarked tom, several hours later. "i'll begin at once to take the lark apart for shipment, and begin ordering the things we need." "oh, there's one thing i almost forgot about," said mr. preston suddenly. "queer, how i should overlook that, too. i don't suppose you mind a fight or two; do you?" he asked, looking sharply at tom. "well, it all depends. we've had several fights on other expeditions, though i can't say that i like 'em," replied the young inventor. "why do you ask?" "because you may have one--or several," was the answer of the circus man. "you'll have to beware of my rival." "your rival?" "yes, the bitterest foe i have is a rival circus man named wayland waydell. he, or some of his men, are always camping on my trail when i send out after a new consignment of wild animals, and i shouldn't be a bit surprised but what he'd try to get ahead of me on the giant game." "but how does he know you want giants?" asked tom. "because news of circus expeditions always leaks out somehow or other. i'm sure waydell will learn that you are acting for me, and so i warn you in time. in fact, he tried to get ahead of me when i sent jake poddington out over a year ago, and i always had my suspicions that he had a hand in jake's disappearance, but maybe i'm wrong. so that's what i mean when i say beware of wayland waydell, tom." "i will!" exclaimed tom. "he'll have to get up early to get ahead of us." but tom little knew the man against whom he was to pit himself in the search for giants. chapter v andy foger learns something once tom swift made up his mind to do a thing, he did not waste time in setting about it. he had decided to go to giant land, and that was all there was to it. his father talked with him about the matter, pointed out the dangers, and suggested that, as the young inventor had had many adventures in the last few years, and had made considerable money from the discovery of the city of gold, and the platinum mines, the prize offered for a giant was not much of an inducement. "but it isn't that so much, dad," explained tom. "there's that poor circus man, maybe suffering in the centre of south america. i want to find him, if i can, or get some news that he died a natural death, and is decently buried." "you never can do it, tom." "well dad, i'm going to make a big try!" he returned; and that settled it as far as tom was concerned. for several days after the visit of mr. preston tom was busy making plans for his trip to south america. he wanted to lay out a regular schedule before proceeding. ned newton had had hard work to persuade his folks to let him go, but they finally consented, and as for mr. damon, his plan was simple. without mentioning giants at all, he took mr. preston home with him, and the circus man's tale of his assistant lost in the wilds of south america was too much for mrs. damon. "go? of course you'll go!" she said to her husband. "i demand that you go, and i want you to find that poor man and rescue him. if you could rescue the exiles from uncivilized siberia i'm sure you can get a man out of a civilized country." mr. damon did not stop to point out that south america was far less civilized, in some ways, than was russia. he just kept still, and made his preparations to go. mr. preston was a distant relative of the odd man, and that was how he had happened to meet him and hear the story which was destined to play such an important part in the life of tom swift. "do you think we'll have much trouble after we get to south america, and strike into the interior?" asked mr. damon one afternoon, when he and mr. preston were helping tom in the delicate work of packing the wing planes of the lark. "no, south america isn't a bad country to travel in," replied the circus man. "the natives are fairly friendly, and with a well-organized party, and plenty of money, which i shall see that you have, you ought to get along swimmingly. only one thing bothers me." "what's that?" asked tom quickly. "that's my rival, waydell. he's sure to make trouble if he gets on your trail." "have you heard from him?" "no, and that's what makes me all the more suspicious. if he'd come out and fight me in the open it wouldn't be so bad. but this underhand business gets on my nerves. i don't know what he's up to." "maybe he isn't up to anything," suggested ned. "he may not even know you are going to make another try for the giants." "oh, yes, he does," replied the circus man. "he didn't succeed in beating me when poor jake was after them, for the simple reason that it was a snap case, and even i didn't know that poddington was trying for the giants until he had started. but waydell was soon after him, and he knows that when i once set out for a freak or a certain kind of animal i keep on until i get it. so he has probably already figured out that i'm making new plans to get a giant." "but how will he know that i am going?" inquired tom. "i don't know how he will know, but he will. we circus men have queer ways of finding out things. i shouldn't be a bit surprised but what he was already plotting and scheming to send an expedition on my trail, to take advantage of anything you may learn." "well, we'll try and fool him, the same as we did the mexicans when we hunted for the city of gold," spoke tom; and then putting aside that worry, he and the others labored hard to get matters in shape for a departure to south america. "i suppose eradicate is going," remarked ned, in the intervals of packing the aeroplane. "well, i've hinted it to him," replied tom, "but i haven't asked him outright. he said he wouldn't mind going to a hot country though. here he comes now. guess i'll see how he takes it." the colored man shuffled up with a hammer and nails, for he had been putting covers on packing boxes. "then you are coming with us to south america; aren't you, rad?" asked tom, winking at ned. "souf america? am dat de hot country yo'-all was referencin' to?" asked eradicate. "that's it, rad. it's nice and warm there. all you have to do is to lie under a tree and cocoanuts will drop off into your mouth." "cocoanuts in mah mouf, massa tom! 'scuse me! i doan't want t' go to no sich country as dat. cocoanuts in mah mouf! why i ain't got but a few teef left, an' a cocoanut droppin' offen a tree would shorely knock dem teef out, shorely!" "oh, rad, i didn't mean cocoanuts! i meant oranges and bananas-they're soft," and tom glanced quickly at ned, for he saw that he had made a mistake. "oh, well, den dat's diffunt, massa tom. i jes lubs oranges an' bananas, an' ef yo'-all is shore dat i'll find some, why, i'll come along." "find 'em? of course you will!" cried ned. "and cocoanuts, too," added tom. "only, rad, i meant to say that the monkeys would throw the cocoanuts down to you from the trees. that breaks the hard shells you see, and all you have to do is to take out the meat, and drink the milk. then the monkeys throw you down a palm leaf fan to cool yourself off, while you're eating it. oh, i tell you, rad, south america is the place to go to have a good time." "i believe you, massa tom. when do we-all start?" "pretty soon now." "an' what all am yo' gwine arter, massa tom?" the young inventor thought a moment. in times past he had not hesitated to confide in his colored helper, but of late years eradicate had become somewhat childish, and he talked more than was necessary. tom wondered whether it would be safe to trust the giant secret to him. after a moment's thought he realized that it would not be. but, at the same time, he knew that if he did not give some kind of an answer eradicate would become suspicious, and that would be worse. the colored helper had been with tom on too many trips not to know that his master never went without some object. "well, rad, we're after big game this time," tom said. "i don't know what it will be that we'll get, whether animals or plants, and--" "oh, i knows, massa tom. yo'-all means dem orchard plants that lib on air--dem big orchard plants." eradicate meant orchids, of which many rare and beautiful kinds are found in south america. "yes, rad, i guess we will get some big orchids," agreed tom. "an' i shorely will help climb de trees arter 'em. or maybe we kin git de monkeys to frow em down, same as dey will de cocoanuts." "maybe, rad. well, now go ahead and nail up the rest of these boxes. we want to get started as soon as we can," and the colored man got busy, murmuring from time to time something about oranges and bananas and cocoanuts. everyone was occupied in getting matters in shape for the trip to south america, even mr. swift laying aside his work on his pet invention--a gyroscope--while he helped his son. and had tom not been quite so engrossed with his preparations he might have gone about town more, in which case he would have learned something that might have saved him and the others considerable trouble and no little danger. and this fact was that andy foger had been in shopton several times lately. after the trouble which the red-haired bully and his father caused tom and his friends on their trip to the city of gold, mr. foger moved away from shopton. he had lost his fortune and had to begin all over again. the foger homestead was closed up, and andy ceased to be a fixture of the town, for which tom and ned were very glad. but of late andy had been seen in shopton several times, and it was noticed that, on one or two occasions, he had a man with him--a man who seemed to have plenty of money--a man with an air about him not unlike that of mr. preston. a man with what newspaper men would have called a circus or theatrical "air." this man had visited shopton soon after mr. preston made the giant proposition to tom, and before meeting andy foger had made special inquiries about tom swift. "who are the people who have a hard feeling against this young inventor in town?" the man had asked of several persons. "tom swift has more friends than enemies," was the general reply. "oh, surely he must have some enemies," the man insisted. "he's been running his aeroplanes and autos around town a long time, and surely there must be some one who has a grudge against him. i suppose he has lots of friends, but who are his enemies?" then he learned about andy foger, and, hearing that andy now lived in a nearby town, the man had at once gone there. it was not long before he reappeared--and the red-haired bully was with him. "and you haven't learned anything yet, andy?" asked this mysterious man one afternoon, when he met his tool in a quiet resort in shopton. "nothing yet, mr. waydell. but give me a little more time." "time! you've had more time now than you need. when i agreed to pay you for finding out what part of south america tom swift would head for to get some sort of a freak or animal for preston's circus i thought you'd make good quicker than this." "so did i. but you see tom is suspicious of me, and so is his chum, ned newton. i can't go to them, and if i'm seen sneaking around the house or shop, after what happened last, i'll be driven off." "well, it's up to you. i paid you to get the information and i expect you to do it. why don't you tackle that old colored man whom, i understand, works for him? he ought to be simple enough to give the game away." "eradicate? i will! i never thought of that i'll get that information for you, mr. waydell, in a few days." "you'd better, if you want to keep that money." the two plotters parted, and that very afternoon gave andy the chance he wanted. he met eradicate on his way to the village where he was going after something tom needed. "hello, rad!" called andy with a show of good feeling. "i haven't seen you in some time. i suppose you're getting too old to travel around with tom any more?" "gittin' too old!" exclaimed the colored man indignantly, for that was his sore point. "what yo'-all mean, andy foger? i ain't gittin' old, an' neider am boomerang." "oh, i thought you were, as you haven't been on any trips lately." "i ain't, hey? well i's gwine on one right soon, let me tell you dat, andy foger!" "no! is that so? glad to hear it. up to the north pole i suppose?" "no, sah; not much! no cold country for this coon! i's gwine where it's nice an 'warm, an' where de cocoanuts fall in yo' mouf--i mean where de bananas an' oranges fall in you mouf, an' de monkeys frow down cocoanuts an' palm leaf fans to yo'!" "where's that, rad?" asked andy, and he tried to make his voice sound indifferent, as though the matter did not interest him. "south america, dat's where it am, an' i's gwine wif massa tom. we's gwine t' git a monstrous big orchard plant." "oh, yes; i've heard about them. well, i hope you get all the oranges and bananas you want. south america, eh? i suppose along the amazon river, where they have crocodiles forty feet long, that are always hungry." "no, sah! no crockermiles fo' me! we ain't goin' neah de amerzon riber at all. we's gwine away down in de middle part of south america. it's a place suffin laik gomeonaway--or goonaway, or suffin' laik dat." "oh, yes; i know where you mean!" and andy could hardly conceal the note of triumph in his voice. he had the very information he wanted from the simple colored man. "yes, i guess there are no crocodiles there, and plenty of monkeys and cocoanuts. well, i hope you have a good time," and andy hurried away to seek out the rival circus man. chapter vi alarming news "hand me that hammer, ned." "there it is, right behind you, on the bench." "oh, so it is. here are those nails you were asking for." "good. now we'll make things hum," and ned newton's voice was drowned in the rapid driving of nails into boards. "bless my screw driver!" suddenly exclaimed mr. damon, who was sawing planks to make covers for boxes. "what's the matter?" asked tom, looking up from a bundle he was tying up. it contained the magneto of his aeroplane and he was putting waterproof paper about it. "did you cut your finger?" "no, but i just happened to think that i nailed my watch up in that last box." "nailed up your watch!" cried mr. preston, who, after a trip to new york to make arrangements for passages on a steamer, had come back to help tom pack up. "yes, i took it out to see how long it took me to make a box cover, and then tom asked me to nail up that box containing the motor parts, and i laid my watch right down on top, and put the boards over it." "well, the only thing to do is to take off the cover," remarked tom grimly. "bless my chronometer! that will delay things," said the odd man with a sigh. "but i suppose there is no hope for it," and he proceeded to open the box, while tom, ned, the circus man and eradicate busied themselves over the hundred and one things to be done before they would be ready for the trip to the interior of south america. "look out, ned!" called tom. "you're making those top boards too long. they'll stick out over the edge, and be ripped off if the box catches on anything." "yes, you can't be too careful," cautioned mr. preston. "each box or package must be the right weight, or the porters and mule drivers won't carry them into the interior. you may have to cross rough trails, and even ford rivers. and as for bridges! well, the less said about them the better. you aren't going to have any picnic, and if you want to back out, tom swift, now is the time to say so." "what! back out?" cried our hero. "never! i said i'd go and i'm going. ned, pass that brace and bit over, will you. i've got to bore a hole for these screws." and so the work went on in the big aeroplane shed, which they had made their packing headquarters. the lark, that small, but strong and speedy aeroplane, had been safely packed, and most of it had been sent on ahead to new york, where the travellers were to take the steamer. there remained to be transported their clothing, weapons and ammunition, and several bundles and cases of trinkets which would be of more value in bartering with the natives than money. tom and mr. preston had selected the things with great care, and at the last moment the young inventor had packed a box of his own, and said nothing about it. included in it were some of his own and his father's inventions, and had one been given a glance into that same box he would have wondered at the queer things. "what in the world are you taking with you, anyhow?" asked ned, of his chum, noticing the mysterious box. "'you'll see, if we ever get to giant land," replied tom with a smile. "how long before we can start?" asked mr. damon, late that day, when most of the hard work had been finished. he was as anxious and as eager as either of the youths to make a start. "we ought to be ready at least a week from to-day," replied tom, "and perhaps sooner." "sooner, if you can make it," suggested mr. preston. "the steamer sails a week from to-day, and if you miss that one you'll have to wait two weeks more." "then a week from to-day we'll sail," decided tom, with emphasis. "we'll work nights getting things in shape." really, though, not much more remained to be done, and the next day mr. preston again went to new york, accompanying a shipment of boxes and cases that tom sent on ahead. the two chums were busy in the aeroplane hangar a few days after this, nailing up the last of some light cases containing medicines, personal effects and comforts that would accompany them on their trip. "well, i'm glad of one thing," remarked tom thoughtfully, as he drove home the last nail in a box, "and that is that we won't be bothered with that andy foger on this trip. i haven't seen hide nor hair of him in some time. i guess he and his father are down and out." "i guess so. i haven't seen him either." "massa andy were in town a few days ago," ventured eradicate. "he was?" cried tom. "did you see him? what was he doing, rad?" "nuffin, same as usual. he done say i were too old to go on any more hexpiditions wif yo' an' i proved dat i wasn't." "proved that you weren't, rad? how?" and tom looked anxiously at his colored helper. "why, i done say t' him dat i was gwine wif yo'-all dis time, t' dat comeaway country after a big orchard plant. dat's how i done prove it to dat andy foger." "rad, you didn't tell him we were going to south america?" asked tom reproachfully. "suah i done so, massa tom. dat were de only way t' prove t' him dat i wa'an't gittin' too old." "oh, rad! i'm afraid--" and tom hesitated. "oh, i don't believe it amounted to anything," interposed ned. "andy didn't have any one with him, did he, rad?" "no, massa ned. he were all alone by hisse'f." "then i guess it's all right, tom. andy was only rigging eradicate, and he didn't pay any attention to what he said." "well, i hope so," and the young inventor wore a thoughtful air as he resumed the finish of the packing. the colored man, blissfully unconscious that he had been the innocent cause of a grave danger that overhung tom and his friends, whistled gaily as he gathered the boxes, bales and packages into a pile, ready for the expressman, who was to call in the morning. tom, together with ned, mr. damon and eradicate, were to leave the following afternoon, and stay in new york until the sailing of the steamer. they preferred to be a day or so ahead of time than half an hour late, and were taking no chances. "bless my timetable!" exclaimed mr. damon that night, as they sat in the library of the swift home, checking over the lists to make sure that nothing had been forgotten, "bless my timetable, but it doesn't seem possible that we are going to start at last." "yes, we'll soon be on the way to giant land," spoke tom in a low voice. somehow the young inventor did not seem to be in his usually bright spirits. "you don't seem very enthusiastic," remarked ned. "what's the matter, tom?" "oh, nothing much. though i would feel better if i knew that andy foger didn't have any inkling of what our plans were," he added, for eradicate was not present. "oh, nonsense!" exclaimed his chum. "mr. preston will be here in the morning, and he'll know whether his rival has any idea of camping on our trail. cheer up!" "yes, i suppose i am foolish to worry," admitted tom, "but, somehow i can't help it. i wish mr. preston was here now to tell us that wayland waydell had gone off to the centre of africa for a dwarf. then i'd know we had nothing to fear. but i guess--" tom did not finish his sentence for, at that moment, there came a peal at the door bell. instinctively every one started, and mr. damon exclaimed: "bless my burglar alarm! what's that?" "someone at the door, tom," replied mr. swift calmly. "that's nothing unusual. it's early yet." but, in spite of his reassuring words, there was a feeling of vague alarm. "i'll see who it is," volunteered ned. "if it's andy foger--" mrs. baggert entered the room at that moment. she had hurried to the door, and, as she entered she announced: "mr. preston!" "yes, it is i!" added the circus man following her quickly into the room. "i came on to-night instead of waiting for the morning, tom. i have bad news for you!" "bad news!" gasped the young inventor. "has waydell got hold of your plans." "i'll wager it has something to do with andy foger!" exclaimed ned. "neither one," spoke the circus man. "but i have just had a cable dispatch from one of my animal agents in brazil, saying that war has broken out among the tribes in the central part of south america. a big native war is being waged all around giant land, as near as we can figure it out." "war among the native tribes!" exclaimed mr. swift. "yes, and one of the worst in years. of course, tom, after such alarming news as this i won't hold you to your promise to go. it's all off. i'm sorry, but you'd better wait. it won't be safe to go there now. better unpack, tom." for a moment there was a silence in the room. then the young inventor leaped to his feet and faced the circus man. "unpack?" cried tom in ringing tones. "never! i'm going to giant land, fight or no fight! ned, come with me and we'll put in some of my electric rifles. i wasn't going to take them along, but i will now. unpack? i guess not! i'm going to get a giant for you, mr. preston, and save jake poddington if he's alive. come on, ned." chapter vii fire on board "your electric rifles!" exclaimed ned newton, as he followed his chum to the storeroom, where tom kept a number of spare guns. "it's a good thing you thought of them, tom." "yes, i didn't think we'd need them, for i believe peaceable means are the best to use on natives. but if there's a war, and we have to defend ourselves against the tribes, we'll take along something that will do more damage than an ordinary rifle, and yet i can regulate it so that it will only stun, and not kill." "that's the stuff, tom. no use in being needlessly cruel. how many will you take?" "two or three. we may need 'em all." a little later the two lads returned to the library where mr. damon, mr. swift and the circus man were anxiously awaiting them. mr. preston looked curiously at several objects which tom and ned carried. the objects looked like guns but were different from any the giant-seeker had seen. "what are they?" he asked tom. "electric rifles. one of my inventions," and tom showed how the weapon worked. those of you who have read the volume entitled, "tom swift and his electric rifle" will remember this curious weapon. it was worked by a stored charge of magnetism of the wireless kind. by this a concentrated globule of electricity was projected from the muzzle, and it could be made strong or weak at the will of the marksman. it could be made so powerful that it would totally annihilate a whale, as tom had once proved, or it could be made so mild that it would put an enemy, or several of them, to sleep almost as gently as some narcotic, and they would awaken after several hours, little the worse for their experience. a charge of electricity as powerful as five thousand volts could be concentrated into a small wireless globule the size of a bullet, and this would fly through space, or even through solid objects until, reaching the limit of the range set, would strike the object aimed at. with his wonderful electric rifle tom had not only killed elephants, and other big game, but fought off the red pygmies of africa. "and we may have a use for it in south america," he added as he explained the workings to mr. preston. "well, i'm glad you didn't back out," commented the circus man, "and this may come in mighty handy. i'll feel easier about you now, tom, when i know you have some electric rifles with you." the circus man was told of what eradicate had said to andy, but he was of the opinion that no harm would result from it. "as far as i can learn," went on mr. preston, "my old rival waydell has given up the giant idea. he is looking for a two-headed crocodile, said to be somewhere along the nile river, and he's fitting out an expedition there i understand. i guess we won't be bothered with him. but the giant for mine! if i get that sort of an attraction his two-headed crocodile won't be in it. i hope you have luck, tom swift." the last details of the expedition were considered. nothing seemed to have been left undone, and though carrying the electric rifles would make a little more baggage, no one minded that. "i kin carry dem," said eradicate. "i ain't got much baggage of mah own." so it was arranged, and early the next morning the little band of intrepid travelers, who were going in search of giant land, started for new york. they little knew what was ahead of them, nor what dire perils they were to pass through. of course tom had said good-bye to mary nestor and half-jokingly, he had promised to bring back a giant of his own, that she might see one outside of a circus. "but, tom," mary exclaimed with a laugh, "what will you do with one of the big creatures if you get one?" "have him help me on my newest invention--the noiseless airship," answered the young inventor. "i need some one to lift heavy weights. it will save putting up a derrick. yes, i think i'll get a giant of my own." the last good-byes were said, and the parting between tom and his father was affecting. "i'll soon be back, dad," he said in as cheerful a tone as he could assume, "and i'll help you finish your gyroscope." "i hope you will, tom," and then, with a pressure of his son's hand, mr. swift turned away and went into the house, closing the door after him. the first part of the trip to new york was rather a silent one, no one caring to talk much. eradicate was the only cheerful member of the party, which included the circus man, who was going as far as the steamer with tom and his friends. "say," ned exclaimed finally, "any one would think we were going to a funeral!" "that's right," agreed tom. "i guess something is on all our nerves. let's do something to take it off. here comes a boy with some funny papers. we'll buy some and read all the jokes." this proved a diversion, and before the train had gone many miles more the giant-hunters were talking and laughing as though they were merely starting on a short pleasure trip, instead of an expedition to the dangerous jungles of south america. they put up at a good hotel in new york, and as soon as they were established tom and mr. preston went to the steamer calaban which was to land them at buenos ayres. they found that there was some confusion about their luggage and boxes, and it took them the better part of a day to get the tangle straightened out, and their stuff stored together in one hold. "it will be easier to get it out if it's all together," said tom, at the conclusion of their labors, and then he and the circus man returned to the hotel. the ship was to sail two days later, and, several hours before the time set for the departure, tom and his friends were on board. "you don't see anything of your rival circus friend, do you?" asked tom, of the man who wanted a giant. "not a sign," was the answer, as mr. preston glanced over the throng of on-coming passengers. "i guess we've either given him the slip, or he's given up the game. you won't have to worry about him. just take it easy until you start for the interior, and from then on you'll have hard work enough." the last of the cargo was being taken aboard, the late passengers had arrived and were anxiously watching to see that their baggage was not lost. as mr. preston stood talking with tom near the gangplank, a clerical looking gentleman approached the circus man. "i beg your pardon," he began in mild accents, "but could you tell me where my stateroom is?" and he showed his ticket. "i'm not used to traveling," he needlessly added for that fact was very evident. mr. preston informed him how to get to his berth, and the gentleman went on: "are you going all the way to buenos ayres?" "no, but my friend is," and the circus man nodded at tom. "oh, i'm so glad!" the stranger exclaimed. "then i shall have someone of whom i can ask questions. i am quite lost when i travel." "i'll help you all i can," volunteered tom, "and i'll show you to your stateroom now." "ah, thank you. your name is--" "tom swift," supplied the young inventor. "ah, yes, i believe i have read about your airships. i am the reverend josiah blinderpool. i am taking a little vacation. i trust we shall become good friends." "humph, he's a regular infant, to be away from civilization," mused tom, when he had showed the clergyman to the proper stateroom. "he'll get into trouble, he's so innocent." if he could have seen that same "clergyman" double up with mirth when he had closed his stateroom door after him, tom would not have felt so sure about that same "innocence." "to think that i was talking face to face with sam preston and he never tumbled to who i was!" exclaimed the newcomer softly. "that's rich! now if i play my cards right i shouldn't be surprised but what they'd invite me to come along with them. that would just suit me. i wouldn't have any trouble then, getting on the track of those giants. the information waydell got from that red-haired foger chap wasn't any too definite," and once more the man wearing the garb of a minister chuckled. "well, i'll say good-bye," remarked mr. preston, a little later, when the warning bell had rung. "i guess you'll get along all right. i haven't seen a sign of waydell, or any of his slick agents. you'll have no trouble i guess." but if the circus man could have seen the "clergyman" at that same time looking over letters addressed to "hank delby," and signed "wayland waydell" he would not have been so confident. mr. preston bade good-bye to his friends, the gangplank was hauled up, and a hoarse blast came from the whistle of the calaban. "bless my pocketbook!" cried mr. damon. "we're off!" "yep, off t' git dat big, giant orchard plant," chimed in eradicate. "hush!" exclaimed tom, who did not like the use of the word "giant" even in that connection. "don't tell everyone our business, rad." "dat's right, massa tom. i clean done forgot dat it's a sort of secret. i'll keep mighty still 'bout it." the calaban swung out into the river and began steaming down the bay. the first week of the voyage was uneventful. the weather was exceptionally fine, and hardly any one was seasick. the reverend mr. blinderpool was often on deck, and he made it a point to cultivate the acquaintance of tom and his friends. in spite of the fact that he said he had traveled very little, he seemed to know much about hidden corners of the world, but always, as on an occasion when he had accidentally let slip some remark that showed he had been in far-off china or asia, he would suddenly change the conversation when it verged to travel. "there's something queer about that minister," said ned after one of these occasions, "but i can't decide what it is." "nonsense!" exclaimed tom, who rather liked the man. "no nonsense about it. why should a minister take a trip like this when he isn't sick, and when he isn't going to establish a mission in south america? there's something queer about it, for, by his own words he just took this voyage as a whim." "oh, you're too fussy," declared tom; and for the time the subject was dropped. they ran into a storm when about ten days out, and for a while they had a rough time of it, and then the weather cleared again. it was one evening, after the formal dinner, when tom and ned were strolling about on deck, before turning in, that, the quiet of the ship was broken by what is always an alarming cry at sea. "fire! fire!" shouted a man, pointing to a thin wisp of smoke curling up from the deck amidships. "keep quiet!" yelled one of the stewards. "it is nothing!" "it's a fire, i tell you!" insisted the man, and several others took up the cry. a panic was imminent, and the captain came running from his quarters. "what is it?" he asked. an officer hurried to his side, and said something but in such a low voice that tom, who was standing close beside the two, scarcely heard it. but he did hear this: "there's a fire, sir, in hold number seventeen. we have turned the hose in there, and the pumps are working." "very good, mr. meld. now try and quiet the passengers. tell them it doesn't amount to much, and if it does we can flood that compartment." tom started at that. "come on, ned!" he cried, grabbing his chum by the arm. "why, what's up? what's the matter?" "matter? matter enough! the fire is in the hold where all our stuff is stored, and if the flames reach that box i packed last--well, i wouldn't give much for the ship!" and fairly dragging his chum along, tom raced for the place where the smoke was now coming up in thicker clouds. chapter viii a narrow escape "here, come back! you can't go past here!" "but i've got to go! i tell you i must go! it's important!" the first speaker was one of the ship's officers, and the other was tom swift, who, accompanied by his chum, was trying to get past a rope that had been hastily stretched in front of the hold where the smoke was rolling up in ever-thickening clouds. "it's important that you stay where you are," insisted the officer. "look here young man, do you want to start a panic? you know what that is on board ship. keep cool, we'll get the fire out all right." "i am cool," responded tom, and, though he did look a bit excited, he was calm enough to know what he was doing. "then keep back!" insisted the officer. a crowd was gathering and there were ominous whispers sent back and forth. some hysterical women were beginning to scream, and there were anxious looks on all faces. "i tell you it's important that i go down there," insisted tom. "i want to get a box--" "we'll look after the baggage of the passengers," declared the officer. "you don't need to worry, young man." "but i tell you i do!" and tom's voice was loud now. "it isn't so much on my account, as--" and then, stepping quickly to the side of the officer he whispered something. "what!" cried the officer. "you don't tell me? that was a risk! i guess i'll have to help you get it out. here, mr. simm," he called to one of the mates, "stand guard here. i'm going down into the hold with this young man." "shall i come?" cried ned. "no, you go stay with mr. damon and eradicate," answered tom. "tell them everything is all right. and for cats' sake keep rad cool. don't let him get excited and start a panic. i'll be back in a minute." with that tom and the officer disappeared from view, and ned, after wondering what it was all about, hastened to reassure mr. damon and the colored man that there was no danger, though from the manner in which tom had acted his chum was convinced that something was wrong. meanwhile our hero, accompanied by the officer, was groping his way through the thick smoke in the compartment. the officer had switched on the electric lights, and they shone with a yellow haze through the clouds of choking vapor. "can you see it?" asked the officer anxiously. "i had it put where i could easily get at it," answered tom with a cough, for some of the smoke had got down his throat. "i had an idea i might need it in a hurry. here it is!" and he pointed to a large box, marked with his initials in red paint. "give me a hand and we'll get it out." "yes, and send it on deck. see, there's the fire!" and the officer pointed to where a glow could be seen amid some bales of cotton. "it will be slow burning, that's one good thing, and by turning steam into this compartment we can soon put it out." "it's pretty close to my box," commented tom, "but there isn't as much danger as i thought." it did not take him and the officer long to move the box away from its proximity to the fire, for the case was not heavy, though it was of good size, and then the officer having called up an order to some of his fellow seamen on deck, a rope was let down, and the box hoisted up. "whew! that was a narrow escape!" exclaimed tom as he saw his case go up on deck. "i suppose i shouldn't have had that stored here. but there were so many things to think of that i forgot." "yes, it was a risk," commented the officer. "but what are you going to do with that sort of stuff, anyhow?" "i may need it when we get among the wild tribes of south american indians," answered tom non-commitally. "i'm much obliged for your help." "oh, that's nothing. anything to save the ship." at that moment there were confused cries, and a series of shouts and commands up on deck. "we'd better hurry out of here," said the officer. "why?" "the captain has just ordered steam turned in here. i hope there isn't anything of yours that will be damaged by it." "no, everything else is in waterproof coverings. come on, we'll climb out." they hurried from the compartment and, a little later clouds of quenching steam were poured in from a hose run from the boiler room. the hatch was battened down, and then the smoke ceased to come up. "the danger is practically over," the captain assured the frightened passengers. "the fire will be all out by morning. you may go to your staterooms in perfect safety." some did, and others, disbelieving, hung around the hatch-cover, sniffing and peering to discover traces of smoke. but the sailors had done their work well, and a stranger would not have known that a fire was in the hold. the captain had spoken truly, and in the morning the fire was completely out, a few charred bales of cotton being the only things damaged. they were hauled up and dumped into the sea, while tom, making a hasty inspection of his other goods placed in that compartment saw, to his relief, that beyond one case of trinkets, designed for barter with the natives, nothing had been damaged, and even the trinkets could be used on a pinch. "but what was in that box?" asked ned, that night as they got ready to retire, the excitement having calmed down. "hush! not so loud," cautioned tom, for mr. damon was in the next stateroom, while eradicate had one across the corridor. "i'll tell you, ned, but don't breathe a word of it to rad or mr. damon. they might not intend to give it away, but i'm afraid they would, if they knew, and i depend on the things in that box to give the native giants the surprise of their lives in case we--well, in case we come to close quarters." "close quarters?" "yes, have a fight, you know, or in case they get so fond of us that they won't hear of letting us go--in other words if they make us captives." "great scott, tom! you don't think they'll do that, do you?" "no telling, but if they do, ned, i've got some things in that box that will make them wish they hadn't. it's got--" and tom leaned forward and whispered, as though he feared even the walls would hear. "good!" cried his chum! "that's the stuff! no wonder you thought the ship might be damaged if the fire got to that!" it seemed that the slight fire was about all the excitement destined to take place aboard the calaban, for, after the blaze was so effectually quenched, the ship slipped along through the calm seas, and it was actually an effort to kill time on the part of the passengers. as they progressed further south the weather became more and more warm, until, as they approached the equator, every one put on the lightest garments obtainable. "crossing the line," was the signal for the usual "stunts" among the sailors. "neptune" came aboard, with his usual sea-green whiskers made from long rope ends, and with his trident much in evidence; and there was plenty of horseplay which the passengers very much enjoyed. then, as the tropical region was left behind, the weather became more bearable. there were one or two storms, but they were of no consequence and the steamer weathered them easily. tom and his friends had several talks with the "reverend josiah blinderpool," as the pretended clergyman still called himself. but he did not obtrude his company on them, and though he asked many questions as to where tom and his party were going, the young inventor, with his usual caution in talking to strangers, rather evaded them. "hang it all! he's as close-mouthed as a clam," complained "mr. blinderpool" to himself one day, after an attempt to worm something from tom, "i'll just have to stick close to him and his chum to get a line on where they're heading for. and i must find out, or waydell will think i'm throwing the game." as for tom and the others, they gave the seeming clergyman little thought--that is until one day when something happened. ned had been down in the engine room, having had permission to inspect the wonderful machinery, and, on his way back he passed the smoking cabin. he was rather surprised to see mr. blinderpool in there, puffing on a big black cigar, and with him were some men whom ned recognized as personages who had vainly endeavored to get a number of passengers into a card game with them. and, unless ned's eyes deceived him, the seeming clergyman was about to indulge in a game himself. "that's mighty queer," mused ned. "guess i'll tell tom about this. i never saw a minister play cards in public before, and this mr. blinderpool has been trying to get thick with tom, of late. maybe he's a gambler in disguise." filled with this thought ned hastened off to warn his chum. chapter ix "forward march!" "you don't say so!" exclaimed the young inventor, when ned had told him the queer news. "well, do you know i've been suspicious of that fellow ever since he tried to make friends with us." "suspicious? how so? you don't think--" "oh, i mean i think he's some kind of a confidence man who has adopted the respectable clothes of a minister to fool people. he may be a card sharper himself. well, we won't have anything more to do with him. it won't be long before we arrive at buenos ayres, and then we won't be bothered with card sharpers or anybody else but--" "giants and fighting natives," finished ned, with a laugh. "you forget, tom, that there's a war going on near the very place we're headed for." "that's so, ned. but with what we have with us i guess we can make out all right. i'm going to have the electric rifles handy the minute we start for the interior." the voyage continued, and was fast drawing to a close. "mr. blinderpool" made several more attempts to strike up a friendship with tom, or his chum, but they were on their guard now, and, failing to get into much of a conversation with the two young men, the pretended clergyman turned his attentions to mr. damon. that eccentric gentleman welcomed him at first, until a quiet hint from tom brought that to an end. "bless my fire shovel!" cried mr. damon. "you don't say so! not a clergyman at all? dear me!" and then, getting desperate, and needing very much to learn how long a journey his rivals were to undertake, so that he, too, might prepare for it, mr. hank delby, alias blinderpool, began to "pump" eradicate. but the latter was too sharp for him. well knowing that a white man would not get suddenly friendly with one of the black race unless for some selfish object, eradicate fairly snubbed the seeming minister, until that worthy had to go off by himself, saying bitter things and casting black looks at our friends. "but i'll get ahead of them yet!" he muttered, "and i'll get their giants away from them, if they capture any." the box on which tom set such an importance, and which had so nearly been the cause of a disaster, had been stored in one of the fire-proof compartments of the ship, and now, as a few days more would see the vessel entering the harbor of the rio de la plata, thence to steam up to the ancient city of buenos ayres, tom and the others began to think of what lay before them. "how do you propose to head into the interior?" asked mr. damon one afternoon, when the captain announced that the following morning would see them nearly opposite montevideo. "i'm going to hire a lot of burrows, donkeys or whatever they have down here that answers the purpose," replied tom. "we have a lot of things to transport, and i guess pack mules would be the best, if we can get them. then i've got to hire some drivers and some porters, camp-makers and the like. in fact we'll have quite a party. i guess i'll need ten natives, and a head man and with ourselves we'll be fifteen. so we'll need plenty of food. but then we can get that as we go along, except when we get away into the interior, and then we'll have to hunt it ourselves." "that's the stuff!" cried ned. "we haven't had a good hunting expedition since we went to elephant land, tom. the electric rifles will come in handy here." "yes, i expect they will. now come on, ned, and help me get a list ready of the things we've got to take with us, and how they can best be divided up." thick weather delayed the ship somewhat, so it was not until evening of the next day that they made montevideo, where part of the cargo was to be discharged. as they would lay over there a day, the boys decided to go ashore, which they did, wondering at the strange sights in the old city. tom watched to see if the pretended minister would land, and endeavor to force his acquaintance, but mr. hank delby, to give him his right name, was not in evidence. in fact he was turning over scheme after scheme in his mind in order to hit on one that would enable him to take advantage of the preparations which had been made by his rival in the circus business. "i've just got to get a line on where those giants are to be found," mused mr. delby, in the seclusion of his stateroom, "even if i have to take some other disguise and follow that swift crowd. that's what i'll do. i'll put on some other disguise! i wonder what it had better be?" tom and ned, to say nothing of mr. damon and eradicate, found much to interest them in the capital of uruguay, and they were rather sorry, in a way, when it was time for them to leave. "but we'll see plenty more strange sights," remarked tom, as the steamer started off for buenos ayres. "in fact our trip hasn't really begun yet." in due time they dropped anchor at the ancient city, and then began a series of confused and busy times. in fact there was so much to do, seeing to the unloading of their stuff, arranging for hotel accommodations, seeing to hiring natives for the expedition into the interior, and other details, that tom and his friends had no time to think anything about the pretended clergyman who had caused them a little worry. eventually their belongings were stored in a safe place, and our friends sat down to a good dinner in a hotel that, while it was in far-off south america, yet was as good as many in new york, and, in some respects the boys, and mr. damon, liked it better. they found that the spanish and portuguese languages were the principal ones spoken, together with a mixture of the native tongues, and as both ned and tom, as well as mr. damon, had a working knowledge of spanish they got along fairly well. some of the hotel people could speak english. tom made inquiries and found that the best plan would be to transport all his stuff by the regular route to rosario, on the parana river in argentina, and there he could make up his pack train, hire native carriers, and start for the interior. "then we'll do that," he decided, "and take it easy until we get to rosario." it took them the better part of a week to do this, but at last they were on the ground, and felt for the first time that they were really going into a wild and little explored country. "are you going to stick to the parana river?" asked ned. "no," replied tom, in the seclusion of their room, "if there are any giants they will be found in some undiscovered, or at least little traveled, part of the country. i don't believe they are in the vicinity of the big rivers, or other travelers would have heard about them, and, as far as we know, mr. preston's animal agent is the only one who ever got a trace of them. we'll have to go into the jungle on either side of the river." "bless my walking stick!" cried mr. damon. "have we really to go into the jungle, tom?" "i'm afraid we have, if we want to get any giants, and get a trace of mr. poddington." "all right, i'm game, but i do hope we won't run into a band of fighting natives." in rosario it was learned that while the "war" was not regarded seriously from the fact that the fighting tribes were far inland, still it was going on with vigor, and large bands of natives were roaming about, stealing each others' cattle and horses, burning villages, and taking captives. "i guess we're in for it," remarked tom grimly. "but i'm not going to back out now." unexpected complications, difficulties in the way of getting the right kind of help, and a competent man to take charge of the native drivers, so delayed our friends that it was nearly two weeks after their arrival in rosario before they could start for the interior. of course the object of the expedition was kept a secret, and tom let it be known that he and his friends were merely exploring, and wanted rare plants, orchids, or anything in that line. the natives were not very curious. at last the day for the start came. the mules, which had been hired as beasts of burdens, were loaded with boxes or bales on either side, the natives were marshalled into line. tom, ned, and mr. damon, each equipped with a rifle had a saddle animal to ride, and eradicate was similarly equipped, though for a weapon he depended on a shotgun, which he said he understood better than the electric rifles. the aeroplane, divided into many small packages, the goods for barter, their supplies, stores, ammunition, and the box of which tom took such care--all these were on the backs of the beasts of burden. some food was taken along, but for a time, at least, they could depend on scattered towns or villages, or the forest game, for their eating. "are we all ready?" called tom, looking at the rather imposing cavalcade of which he was the head. "i guess so," replied ned. "let her go!" "bless my liver pad!" gasped mr. damon. "if we've got to start do it, and let's get it over with tom." "all ready, rad?" asked the colored man's young master. "all ready, massa tom. but i mus' say dat i'd radder hab boomerang dan dish yeah animal what i'm ridin'." "oh, you'll do all right, rad. then, if we're all ready, forward march!" cried tom, and with calls to their animals, the drivers started them off. hardly had they begun the advance than ned, who had been narrowly watching one of the natives, hurried up to tom, and rapidly whispered something to his chum. "what?" cried tom. "armed with a six-shooter, is he? well, we'll see about that! halt!" he cried in spanish, and then he called san pedro the head mule driver, to him. chapter x a wild horse stampede "who is that man?" demanded tom pointing to the one ned had indicated. tom's chum had had a glimpse of a shining revolver in the hip pocket of one of the mule drivers, and knowing that the simple natives were not in the habit of carrying such weapons, the lad had communicated his suspicions to tom. "what man, senor?" asked the head mule driver. "that one!" and the young inventor again pointed toward him. and, now that tom looked a second time he saw that the man was not as black as the other drivers--not an honest, dark-skinned black but more of a sickly yellow, like a treacherous half-breed. "who is he?" asked tom, for the man in question was just then tightening a girth and could not hear him. "i know not, senor. he come to me when i am hiring the others, and he say he is a good driver. and so he is, i test him before i engage him," went in san pedro in spanish. "he is one good driver." "why does he carry a revolver?" "a revolver, senor? santa maria, i know not! i--" "i'll find out," declared tom determinedly. "here," he called to the offending one, who straightened up quickly. "come here!" the man came, with all the cringing servility of a born native, and bowed low. "why have you a weapon?" asked the young inventor. "i gave orders that none of the drivers were to carry them." "a revolver, senor? i have none! i--" "rad, reach in his pocket!" cried tom, and the colored man did so with a promptness that the other could not frustrate. eradicate held aloft a large calibre, automatic weapon. "what's that for?" asked tom, virtuously angry. "i--er--i--" and then, with a hopeless shrug of his shoulders the man turned away. "give him his gun, and get another driver, san pedro," directed our hero, and with another shrug of his shoulders the man accepted the revolver, and walked slowly off. another driver was not hard to engage, as several had been hanging about, hoping for employment at the last minute, and one was quickly chosen. "it's lucky you saw that gun, ned," remarked tom, when they were actually under way again. "yes, i saw the sun shining on it as his coat flapped up. what was his game, do you suppose?" "oh, he might be what they call a 'bad half-breed' down here. i guess maybe he thought he could lord it over the other drivers when we got out in the jungle, and maybe take some of their wages away from them, or have things easier for himself." "bless my wishbone!" exclaimed mr. damon. "you don't think he meant to use it on us, tom?" "why no? what makes you ask that?" "oh, i'm just nervous, i guess," replied the odd man. but if mr. damon could have seen that same half-breed a little later, as he slipped into a rosario resort, with the yellow stain washed from his face, the nervousness of the eccentric gentleman would have increased. for the man who had been detected with the revolver muttered to himself: "caught! well, i'll fool 'em next time all right! i thought i could get away with the pack train, and then it would have been easy to turn the natives any way i wished, after i had found what i'm looking for. but i had to go and carry that gun! i never thought they'd spot it. well, it's all up now, and if waydell heard of it he'd want to fire me. but i'll make good yet. i'll have to adopt some other disguise, and see if i can't tag along behind." all unconscious of the plotter they had left back of them, tom and his companions pushed on, rapidly leaving such signs of civilization as were represented by small native towns and villages, and coming nearer to the jungles and forests that lay between them and the place where tom was destined to be made a captive. they were far enough away from the tropics to escape the intolerable heat, and yet it was quite warm. in fact the weather was not at all unpleasant, and, once they were started, all enjoyed the novelty of the trip. tom planned to keep along the eastern shore of the parana river, until they reached the junction where the salado joins it. then he decided that they would do better to cross the parana and strike into the big triangle made by that stream and its principal tributary, heading north toward bolivia. "for it is in that little-explored part of south america that i think the giants will be found." said tom, as he talked it over with ned and mr. damon in the privacy of their tent, which had been set up. "but why should there be giants there any more than anywhere else?" asked ned. "no particular reason," answered his chum. "but, according to the last word mr. preston had from his agent, that was where he was heading for, and that's where zacatas, his native helper, said he lost track of his master. i have a theory that the giants, if we find any, will turn out to be a branch of a patagonian tribe." "patagonians!" exclaimed ned. "yes. you know the natives of the southern part of argentina grow to a considerable size. now patagonia is a comparatively bleak and cold country. what would prevent some of that big tribe centuries ago, from having migrated to a warmer country, where life was more favorable? after several generations they may have grown to be giants." "bravo!" exclaimed mr. damon. "it's a good theory, at any rate, tom. though whether you can ever prove it is a question." "yes, and a big one," agreed the young inventor with a laugh. for some days they traveled along over a comparatively flat country, bordering the river. at times they would pass through small native villages, where they would be able to get fresh meat, poultry and other things that varied their bill of fare. again there would be long, lonely stretches of forest or jungle, through which it was difficult to make their way. and, occasionally they would come to fair-sized towns where their stay was made pleasant. "i doan't see any ob dem oranges an' bananas droppin' inter mah mouf, massa tom," complained eradicate one day, after they had been on the march for over a week. "have patience, rad," advised tom. "we'll come to them when we get a little farther into the interior. first we'll come to the monkeys, and the cocoanut trees." "hones' massa tom?" "surely." and though it was pretty far south for the nimble simians, the next day they did come upon a drove of them skipping about in the tall palm trees. "there they are, rad! there they are!" cried ned, as the chattering of the monkeys filled the forest. "by golly! so dey be! heah's where i get some cocoanuts!" before anyone could stop him, eradicate caught up a dead branch, and threw it at a monkey. the chattering increased, and almost instantly a shower of cocoanuts came crashing down, narrowly missing some of our friends. "hold on, rad! hold on!" cried tom. "some of us will be hurt!" crack! came a cocoanut down on the skull of the colored man. "bless my court plaster! someone's hurt now!" cried mr. damon. "hurt? bless yo' heart, massa damon, it takes mo' dan dat t' hurt dish yeah chile!" cried eradicate with a grin. "ah got a hard head, ah has, mighty hard head, an' de cocoanut ain't growed dat kin bust it. thanks, mistah monkey, thanks!" and with a laugh eradicate jumped off his mule, and began gathering up the nuts, while the monkeys fled into the forest. "very much good to drink milk," said san pedro, as he picked up a half-ripe nut, and showed how to chop off the top with a big knife and drain the slightly acid juice inside. "very much good for thirst." "let's try it," proposed tom, and they all drank their fill, for there were many cocoanuts, though it was rather an isolated grove of them. the monkeys became more numerous as they proceeded farther north toward the equator, for it must be remembered that they had landed south of it, and at times the little animals became a positive nuisance. several days passed, and they crossed the parana river and struck into the almost unpenetrated tract of land where tom hoped to find the giants. as yet none of their escort dreamed of the object of the expedition, and though tom had caused scouts to be sent back over their trail to learn if they were being followed there was no trace of any one. one day, after a night camp on the edge of a rather high table land, they started across a fertile plain that was covered with a rich growth of grass. "good grazing ground here," commented ned. "yes," put in san pedro. "plenty much horse here pretty soon." "do the natives graze their herds of horses here?" asked tom. "no natives--wild horses," explained pedro. "plenty much, sometimes too many they come. you see, maybe." it was nearly noon, and tom was considering stopping for dinner if they could come to a good watering place, when ned, who had ridden slightly in advance, came galloping back as fast as his steed would carry him. "look out! look out!" he cried. "there's a stampede of 'em, and they're headed right this way!" "stampede of what? who's headed this way?" cried tom. "a lot of monkeys?" "no, wild horses! thousands of 'em! hear 'em coming?" in the silence that followed ned's warning there could be heard a dull, roaring, thundering sound, and the earth seemed to tremble. "the young senor speaks truth! wild horses are coming!" cried san pedro. "get ready, senors! have your weapons at hand, and perchance we can turn the stampede aside." "the rifles! the electric rifles, ned--mr. damon! we've got to stop them, or they'll trample us to death!" cried tom. as he spoke the thundering became louder, and then, looking across the grassy plain, all saw a large troop of wild horses, with flying manes and tails, headed directly toward them! chapter xi caught in a living rope "quick! peg out the mules!" cried san pedro, after one look at the onrushing horses. "drive the stakes well down! tie them fast and then get behind those rocks! lively!" he cried his orders to the natives in spanish, at the same time motioning to tom and ned. "get off your mules!" he went on. "peg them out. peg out the others, and then run for it!" "run for it?" repeated tom, "do you think i'm going to leave my outfit in the midst of that stampede?" and he waved his hand toward the thundering, galloping wild horses which were coming nearer every moment. "get out the electric rifles, and we'll turn that stampede. i'm not going to run." "bless my saddle!" cried mr. damon. "this is awful! there must be a thousand of them." "nearer two!" cried ned, who was struggling to loosen the straps that bound his electric rifle to the side of his mule. already the pack animals as well as those ridden by the members of the giant-hunting party were showing signs of excitement. they seemed to want to join the stampeding horses. "peg our animals out! peg them out! make them so they can't join the others!" yelled san pedro. "it's our only chance!" "i believe he's right!" cried mr. damon. "tom, if we wait until those maddened brutes are up to us they'll fairly sweep ours along with them, and there's no telling where we'll end up. i think we'd better follow his advice and tie our mules as strongly as we can. then we can go over there by the rocks, and fire at the wild horses. we may be able to turn them aside." "guess that's right," agreed the young inventor after a moment's thought. "come on, ned. peg out!" "peg out! peg out!" yelled the natives, and then began a lively scene. pegging stakes were in readiness, and, attached to the bridle of each mule was a strong, rawhide rope for tying to the stake. the pegs were driven deeply into the ground and in a trice the animals were made fast to them, though they snorted, and tried to pull away as they heard the neighing of the stampeding animals and saw them coming on with an irresistible rush. "hurry!" begged san pedro, and hurry tom, ned and the others did. animal after animal was made fast--that is all but one and that bore on its back two rather large but light boxes--the contents of the case which tom had rescued from the fire in the hold. "what are you going to do with that mule?" asked ned, as he saw tom begin to lead the animal away, the others having been pegged out. "i'm going to take him over to the rocks with me. i'm not going to take any chances on this mule getting away with those things in the boxes. give me a hand here, and then we'll see what the electric rifles will do against those horses." but the one mule which tom had elected to take with him seemed to resent being separated from his companions. bracing his feet well apart, the animal stubbornly refused to move. "come on!" yelled tom, pulling on the leading rope. "bless my porous plaster!" cried mr. damon. "you'd better hurry, tom! those wild horses are almost on us!" "i'm trying to hurry!" replied the young inventor, "but this mule won't come. ned, get behind and shove, will you?" "not much! i don't want to be kicked." "beat him! strike him! wait until i get a club!" yelled san pedro. "come, antonia, selka, balaka!" he cried, to several of the natives who had already started for the sheltering rocks a short distance away. "beat the mule for senor swift!" ned joined tom at the leading rope, and the two lads tried to pull the animal along. mr. damon rushed over to lend his aid, and san pedro, catching up a long stick, was about to bring it down on the mule's back. meanwhile the stampeding animals were rushing nearer. "hold on dere, massa tom!" suddenly called eradicate. "yo'-all done flustered dat mule, dat's what yo' done. yo'-all am too much excited 'bout him. be calm! be calm!" "calm! with that bunch of wild animals bearing down on us?" shouted tom. "let's see you be calm, rad. come on here, you obstinate brute!" he cried, straining on the rope. "let me do it, massa tom. let me do it," suggested the colored man hurrying to the balky beast. then, as gently as if he was talking to a nervous child, and totally oblivious to the danger of the approaching horses, eradicate went up to the mule's head, rubbed its ears until they pointed naturally once more, murmured something to it, and then, taking the rope from ned and tom, eradicate led the mule along toward the rocks as easily as if there had never been any question about going there. "for the love of tripe! how did you do it?" asked tom. "bless my peck of oats!" gasped mr. damon. "it's a good thing we had rad along!" "all mules am alike," said the colored man with a grin. "an dish yeah one ain't much different from mah boomerang. i guess he's a sorter cousin." "come on!" yelled san pedro. "no time to lose. make for the rocks!" tom, ned and mr. damon sprinted then, and there was need to, for the foremost of the galloping horses was not a hundred feet away. then came eradicate, leading the mule that had at last consented to hurry. the natives, with san pedro, were already at the rocks, waiting for the white hunters with the deadly electric rifles. "if they stampede our mules we'll be in a pickle!" murmured ned. "i guess those ropes will hold unless they bite them through," remarked tom. "yes, they sure hold," cried san pedro, and indeed one had to shout now to be heard above the thundering of the horses. now the tethered mules were lost to sight in the multitude of the other steeds all about them. "come on, ned!" yelled tom, as he sighted his rifle. "pump it into them! we must turn them, or they may come over this way, and if they do it will be all up with us." "shoot to kill?" asked ned, as he drew back the firing lever of his electric rifle. "no, only a stunning charge. those horses are valuable, and there's no use killing them. all we want to do is to turn them aside." "that's right," agreed mr. damon, forgetting in the excitement of the moment to bless himself or anything. "we'll only stun them." the rifles were quickly adjusted to send out a comparatively weak charge of electricity, and then they were trained on the dense mass of horses, while the three marksmen began working the firing levers. at first, though horse after horse fell to the ground, stunned, there was no appreciable effect on the thousands in the drove. the poor mules were hidden from sight, though by reason of divisions in the living stream of animals it could still be told where they were tethered, and where the horses separated to go past them. fortunately the ropes and pegs held. "fire faster!" cried tom. "shoot across the front of them, and try to turn them to one side." from the rocks, behind which the natives and our friends crouched, there came a steady stream of electric fire. horse after horse went down, stunned but not badly hurt, and in a few hours the beasts would feel no ill effects. the firing was redoubled, and then there came a break in the steady stream of horseflesh. some hesitated and sought to turn back. others, behind, pressed them on, and then, as if in fear at the unknown and unseen power that was laying low animal after animal, the great body, of horses, suddenly turned at right angles to their course and broke away. there were now two bodies of the wild runaways, those that had passed the tethered mules, and those that had swung off. the stampede had been broken. "that's the stuff!" cried tom, jumping up from behind the rocks, and swinging his hat. "we've turned them." "and just in time, too," added ned, as he joined his chum. then all the others leaped up, and the sight of the human beings completed the scare. the stampeding animals swung off more than before, so that they were nearly doubling back on their own trail. the others thundered off, and the ground was strewn with unconscious though unharmed animals. "one mule gone!" cried san pedro, hastily counting the still tethered animals which were wildly tugging at their ropes. "never mind," spoke tom, "it's the one with some of that damaged bartering stuff i intended for trading. we can afford to lose that. rad, is your animal all right?" "he suah am, massa tom. dish yeah mule am almost as sensible as boomerang, ain't yo'?" and eradicate patted the big animal he was leading. "i'll send a man down the trail, and maybe he can pick up the missing one," said san pedro, and while the other natives were quieting the restless mules, one tall black man hastened in the wake of the retreating horses. he came back in an hour with the missing animal, that had broken its tether rope and then, after running along with the wild horses had evidently dropped out of the drove. aside from the loss of a small box, there had been no damage done, and the cavalcade was soon under way once more, leaving the motionless horses to recover from the effects of the electricity. "bless my saddle pad!" cried mr. damon. "i don't think i want to go through anything like that again." "neither do i," agreed tom. "we are well out of it." "how much you take for one of them rifles?" asked san pedro admiringly. "not for sale," answered tom with a laugh. they camped in a fertile valley that night, and had a much-needed rest. as yet tom had made no inquiries as to the location of giant land from any of the natives of the villages or towns through which they passed. he knew as soon as he did begin asking questions, his own men would hear of it, and they might be frightened if they knew they were in an expedition the object of which was to capture some of the tall men. "we'll just go along for a few days more," said tom, to ned, "and then, when i do spring my surprise, they'll be so far from home that they won't dare turn back. in a few days i'll begin making inquiries." they traveled on for three days more, ever heading north, and coming more into the warmer climate. the vegetation began to take on a more tropical look, and finally they reached a region infested with many wild beasts and monkeys, and with patches of dense jungle on either side of the narrow trail. fruits, tropical flowers and birds abounded. "i think we're getting there," remarked tom, on the evening of the third day after his talk with ned. "san pedro says there's quite a village about half a day's march ahead, and i may learn something there. i'll know by to-morrow whether we are on the right trail or not." the natives were getting supper, and eradicate was busy with a meal for the three white hunters. mr. damon had strolled down to the bank of a little stream, and was looking at some small animals like foxes that had come for their evening drink. they seemed quite fearless. suddenly something long, round and thick seemed to drop down out of a tree close to the odd gentleman. so swift and noiseless was it that mr. damon never noticed it. then, like a flash something went around him, and he let out a scream of terror. san pedro, who was nearest to him, saw and heard. the next instant the black muleteer came rushing toward the camp, crying: "he is caught in a rope! mr. damon is caught in a rope!" "a rope!" repeated ned, not understanding. "yes, a rope in a tree. come quickly!" tom caught up one of the electric rifles and rushed forward. no sooner had he set eyes on his friend, who was writhing about in the folds of what looked like a big ship cable, then the young inventor cried: "a rope! yes, a living rope! that's a big boa constrictor that has mr. damon! get a gun, ned, and follow me! we must save him before he is crushed to death!" and the two lads rushed forward while the living rope drew its folds tighter and tighter about the unfortunate man. chapter xii a native battle "bless my--!" but that was as far as poor mr. damon could get. the breath was fairly squeezed out of him by the folds of the great serpent that had dropped down out of the tree to crush him to death. his head fell forward on his breast, and his arms were pinioned to his sides. "quick, ned!" cried tom. "we must fire together! be careful not to hit mr. damon!" "that's right. i'll take the snake on one side, tom, and you on the other!" "no! then we might hit each other. come on my side. aim for the head, and throw in the highest charge. we want to kill, not stun!" "right!" gasped ned, as he ran forward at his chum's side. san pedro, and the other natives, could do nothing. in the gathering twilight, broken by the light of several campfires, they stood helpless watching the two plucky youths advance to do battle with the serpent. eradicate had caught up a club, and had dashed forward to do what he could, but tom motioned him back. "we can manage," spoke the young inventor. then he and ned crept on with ready rifles. the snake raised its ugly head and hissed, ceasing for a moment to constrict its coils about the unfortunate man. "now's our chance--fire!" hoarsely whispered ned. it seemed as if the big snake heard, for, raising its head still higher, it fairly glared at ned and tom. it was the very chance they wanted, for they could now fire without the danger of hitting mr. damon. "ready?" asked tom of his chum in a low voice. "ready!" was the equally low answer. it was necessary to kill the serpent at one shot, as to merely wound it might mean that in its agony it would thresh about, and seriously injure, if not kill, mr. damon. "fire!" called tom in a whisper, and he and ned pressed the triggers of the electric rifles on the same instant. there was a streak of bluish flame that cut like a sliver through the gathering darkness, and then, as though a blight had fallen upon it, the folds of the great snake relaxed, and mr. damon slipped to the ground unconscious. the electric charges had gone fairly through the head of the serpent and it had died instantly. "quick! mr. damon! we must get him away!" cried tom. "he may be dead!" together the chums sprang forward. the folds of the serpent had scarcely ceased moving before the two youths snatched their friend away. dropping their rifles, they lifted him up to bear him to the sleeping tent which had been erected. "liver pin!" suddenly ejaculated mr. damon. it was what he started to say when the serpent had squeezed the breath out of him, and, on regaining consciousness from his momentary faint, his brain carried out the suggestion it had originally received. "how are you?" cried tom, nearly dropping mr. damon's legs in his excitement, for he had hold of his feet, while ned was at the head. "are you all right?" gasped ned. "yes--i--i guess so. i--i feel as though i had been put through a clothes wringer though. what happened?" "a big snake dropped down out of a tree and grabbed you," answered tom. "and then what? put me down, boys, i guess i can walk." "we shot it," said ned modestly. "bless my insurance policy!" exclaimed the odd gentleman. "i--i hardly know what to say. i'll say it later. you saved my life. let me see if any bones are broken." none was, fortunately, and after staggering about a bit mr. damon found that he could limp along. but he was very sore and bruised, for, though the snake had squeezed him but for part of a minute, that was long enough. a few seconds more and nearly every bone in his body would have been crushed, for that is the manner in which a constrictor snake kills its prey before devouring it. "santa maria! the dear gentleman is not dead then?" cried san pedro, as the three approached the tents. "bless my name plate, no!" exclaimed mr. damon. "praise to all the saints! the brave young senors with their wonderful guns saved him. now you must rest and sleep." "i feel as if that was all i wanted to do for a month," commented mr. damon. his soreness and stiffness increased each minute, and he was glad to get to bed, while the boys and eradicate rubbed his limbs with liniment. san pedro knew of a leaf that grew in the jungle which, when bruised, and made into poultices, had the property of drawing out soreness. the next day he found some, and mr. damon was wrapped up in bandages until he declared that he looked like an egyptian mummy. but the leaf poultices did him good, and in a few days he was able to be about, though he was still a trifle stiff. of course the cavalcade had to halt in the woods, but they did not mind this as they had traveled well up to this time, and the enforced rest was appreciated. "well, do you feel able to move along?" asked tom of mr. damon one morning, about a week later, for they were still in the "snake camp," as they called it in memory of the big serpent. "oh, yes, i think so, tom. where are you going?" "i want to push on to the next village. there i hope to get some line on giant land, and really i ought to begin making inquiries soon. san pedro and the others are wondering what our object is, for we haven't collected any specimens of either flowers or animals, or the snake skin, and he thinks we are a sort of scientific expedition." "well, let's travel then. i'm able." so they started off once more along the jungle and forest trail. as san pedro had predicted, they came upon evidences of a native village. scattered huts, made of plastered mud and grass, with thatched roofs of palm leaves, were met with, as they advanced, but none of the places seemed to be inhabited, though rude gardens around them showed that they had been the homes of natives up to recently. "no one seems to be at home," remarked tom, when they had gone past perhaps half a dozen of these lonely huts. "i wonder what can be the matter?" asked ned. "it looks as if they had gone off in a hurry, too. maybe there's been some sort of epidemic." "no, no sickness," said san pedro. "natives no sick." "bless my liver pill!" cried mr. damon, who was almost himself again. "then what is it?" "much fight, maybe." "much fight?" repeated tom. "yes, tribes at war. maybe natives go away so as not be killed." "by jove!" exclaimed the young inventor. "that's so. i forgot about what mr. preston said. there's a native war going on around here. well, when we get to the town we can find out more about it, and steer clear of the two armies, if we have to." but as they went farther on, the evidences of a native war became more pronounced. they passed several huts that had been burned, and the native mule drivers began showing signs of fear. "i don't like this," murmured tom to his chum. "it looks bad." "what can you do?" "nothing, i guess. we've got to keep on. no use turning back now. maybe the two rival forces have annihilated each other, and there aren't any fighters left." at that moment there arose a cry from some of the natives who, with the mules and their burdens, had pressed on ahead. "what's that?" exclaimed tom. "something's happened!" gasped ned. "bless my cartridge box!" cried mr. damon. the three went forward and came to a little hill. they looked down into a valley--a valley that had sheltered a native village, but the village was no more. it was but a heap of blackened and fire-scarred ruins, and there were still clouds of smoke arising from the grass huts, showing that the enemy had but recently made their assault on the place. "bless my heart!" cried mr. damon. "the whole place has been wiped out." "not one hut left," added ned. "hark!" cried tom. an instant later there arose, off in the woods, a chorus of wild yells. it was followed by the weird sound of tom-toms and the gourd and skin drums of the natives. the shouting noise increased, and the sound of the war drums also. "look!" cried mr. damon, pointing to a distant hill, and there the boys saw two large bodies of natives rushing toward one another, brandishing spears, clubs and the deadly blow guns. they were not more than half a mile away, and in plain view of tom and his party, though the two forces had not yet seen our friends. "they're going to fight!" cried tom. and the next moment the two bodies of natives came together in a mass, the enemies hurling themselves at each other with the eagerness and ferocity of wild beasts. it was a deadly battle. chapter xiii the desertion "say, look at those fellows pitch into one another!" gasped ned. "it's fighting at close range all right," commented mr. damon. "if they had rifles they wouldn't be at it hand to hand," spoke tom. "maybe it's just as well they haven't, for there won't be so many killed. but say, we'd better be thinking of ourselves. they may make up their quarrel and turn against us any minute." "no--never--no danger of them being friends--they are rival tribes," said san pedro. "but either one may attack us--the one that is the victor. it is better that we keep away." "i guess you're right," agreed tom. "lead the way, san pedro, and we'll get out of sight." but there was a fascination in watching the distant battle that was hard to resist. it was like looking at a moving picture, for at that distance none of the horrors of war were visible. true, natives went down by scores, and it was not to be doubted but what they were killed or injured, but it seemed more like a big football scrimmage than a fight. "this is great!" cried tom. "i like to watch it, but i'm sorry for the poor chaps that get hurt or killed. i hope they're only stunned as we stunned the wild horses." "i'm afraid it is more serious than that," spoke san pedro. "these natives are very bloodthirsty. it would not be well for us to incur their anger." "we won't run any chances," decided tom. "we'll just travel on. come on, ned--mr. damon." as he spoke there was a sudden victorious shout from the scene of the battle. one body of natives was seen to turn and flee, while the others pursued them. "now's our time to make tracks!" called tom. "we'll have to push on to the next village before we can ask where the gi--" he caught himself just in time, for san pedro was looking curiously at him. "the senor wishes to find something?" asked the head mule driver with an insinuating smile. "yes," broke in eradicate. "we all is lookin' fo' some monstrous giant orchards flowers." "ah, yes, orchids," spoke san pedro. "well, there may be some in the jungle ahead of us, but the senors have come the wrong trail for flowers," and he looked curiously at tom, while, from afar, come the sound of the native battle though the combatants could no longer be seen. "never mind," said our hero quickly. "i guess i'll find what i want. now come on." they started off, skirting the burned village to get on the trail beyond it. but hardly had they made a detour of the burned huts than one of the native drivers, who was in the rear, came riding up with a shout. "now what's the matter?" cried tom, looking back. there was a voluble chattering in spanish between the driver and san pedro. "he says the natives that lived in this village have driven their enemies away, and are coming back--after us," translated the head mule driver. "after us!" gasped ned. "yes," replied san pedro simply. "they are coming even now. they will fight too, for all their wild nature is aroused." it needed but a moment's listening to prove this. from the rear came wild yells and the beating of drums and tom-toms. "bless my fountain pen!" cried mr. damon. "what are we going to do?" "stop them if we can," answered tom coolly. "ned, you and i and mr. damon will form a rear guard. san pedro, take the mules and the men, and make as good time as you can in advance. we'll take three of the fastest mules, and hold these fellows back with the electric rifles, and when we've done that we'll ride on and catch up to you." "very good," said san pedro, who seemed relieved to know that he did not have to do any of the fighting. three of the lighter weight mules, who carried small burdens, were quickly relieved of them, and mounting these steeds in preference to the ones they had been riding since they took the trail, tom, ned and mr. damon dropped back to try and hold off the enemy. they had not far to ride nor long to wait. they could hear the fierce yells of the victorious tribesmen as they came back to their ruined village, and though there were doubtless sad hearts among them, they rejoiced that they had defeated their enemies. they knew they could soon rebuild the simple grass huts. "small charges, just to stun them!" ordered tom, and the electric rifles were so adjusted. "here's a good place to meet them," suggested ned, as they came to a narrow turn in the trail. "they can't come against us but a few at a time, and we can pump them full of electricity from here." "the very thing!" cried tom, as he dismounted, an example followed by the others. then, in another moment, they saw the blacks rushing toward them. they were clad in nondescript garments, evidently of their own make, and they carried clubs, spears, bows and arrows and blow guns. there was not a firearm among them, as they passed on after the party of our friends whom they had seen from the battle-hill. they gave wild yells as they saw the young inventor's friends. "let 'em have it!" called tom in a low voice, and the electric rifles sent out their stunning charges. several natives in the front rank dropped, and there was a cry of fear and wonder from the others. then, after a moment's hesitation they pressed on again. "once more!" cried tom. again the electric rifles spoke, and half a score went down unconscious, but not seriously hurt. in a few hours they would be as well as ever, such was the merciful charge that tom swift and the others used in the rifles. the third time they fired, and this was too much for the natives. they could not battle against an unseen and silent enemy who mowed them down like a field of grain. with wild yells they fled back along the trail they had come. "i guess that does it!" cried tom. "we'd better join the others now." mounting their mules, they galloped back to where san pedro and his natives were pressing forward. "did you have the honor of defeating them," the head mule driver asked. "i had the honor," answered tom, with a grim smile. then they pressed on, but there was no more danger. that night they camped in a peaceful valley and were not disturbed, and the following day they put a good many miles behind them. on the advice of san pedro, they avoided the next two villages as they realized that they were in the war zone, and then they headed for a large town where tom was sure he would hear some news of the giants. they had to camp twice at night before reaching this town, and when they did get to it they were warmly welcomed, for white explorers had been there years before, and had treated the natives well. tom distributed many trinkets among the head men and won their good will so that the party was given comfortable huts in which to sleep, and a plentiful supply of provisions. "can you arrange for a talk with the chief?" asked tom of san pedro that night. "i want to ask him about certain things." "about where you can find giant flowers?" asked the mule driver with a quick look. "yes--er--and other giant things," replied tom. "i fix," answered san pedro shortly, but there was a queer look on his face. a few hours later tom was summoned to the hut of the chief of the town, and thither he went with ned, mr. damon and san pedro as interpreter, for the natives spoke a jargon of their own that tom could not understand. there were some simple ceremonies to observe, and then tom found himself facing the chief, with san pedro by his side. after the greetings, and an exchange of presents, tom giving him a cheap phonograph with which the chief was wildly delighted, there came the time to talk. "ask him where the giant men live?" our hero directed san pedro, believing that the time had now come to disclose the object of his expedition. "giant men, senor swift? i thought it was giant plants--orchids--you were after," exclaimed san pedro. "well, i'll take a few giant men if i can find them. tell him i understand there is a tribe of giants in this country. ask him if he ever heard of them." san pedro hesitated. he looked at tom, and the young inventor fancied that there was a tinge of white on the swarthy face of the chief mule driver. but san pedro translated the question. its effect on the chief was strange. he half leaped from his seat, and stared at tom. then he uttered a cry--a cry of fear--and spoke rapidly. "what does he say?" asked tom of san pedro eagerly, when the chief had ceased speaking. "he say--he say," began the mule driver and the words seemed to stick in his throat--"he say there are giants--many miles to the north. terrible big men--very cruel--and they are fearful. once they came here and took some of his people away. he is afraid of them. we are all afraid of them," and san pedro looked around apprehensively, as though he might see one of the giants stalking into the chief's hut at any moment. "ask him how many miles north?" asked tom, hardly able to conceal his delight. the giants had no terrors for him. "two weeks journey," translated san pedro. "good!" cried the young inventor. "then we'll keep right on. hurrah! i'm on the right track at last, and i'll have a giant for the circus and we may be able to rescue mr. poddington!" "is the senor in earnest?" asked san pedro, looking at tom curiously. "is he really going among these terrible giants?" "yes, but i don't believe they'll be so terrible. they may be very gentle. i'm sure they'll be glad to come with me and join a circus--some of them--and earn a hundred dollars a week. of course we're going on to giant land!" "very good," said san pedro quietly, and then he followed tom out of the chief's hut. "it's all right, ned old sport, we'll get to giant land after all!" cried tom to his chum as they reached the hut where they were quartered. the next morning when tom got up, and looked for san pedro and his men, to give orders about the march that day, the mule drivers were nowhere to be seen. nor were the mules in the places where they had been tethered. their packs lay in a well ordered heap, but the animals and their drivers were gone. "this is queer," said tom, rubbing his eyes to make sure that he saw aright. "i wonder where they are? rad, look around for them." the colored man did so, and came back soon, to report that san pedro and his men had gone in the night. some of the native villagers told him so by signs, eradicate said. they had stolen away. "gone!" gasped tom. "gone where?" "bless my railroad ticket!" cried mr. damon. "we're deserted," exclaimed ned. "they've taken the mules, and left us." "i guess that's it," admitted tom ruefully, after a minute's thought. "san pedro couldn't stand for the giants. he's had a frightful flunk. well, we're all alone, but we'll go on to giant land anyhow! we can get more mules. a little thing like this can't phase me. are you with me, ned--mr. damon--eradicate?" "of course we are!" they cried without a moment's hesitation. "then we'll go to giant land alone!" exclaimed tom. "come on, now, and we'll see if we can arrange for some pack animals." chapter xiv in giant land when it first became sure that san pedro and the other natives had deserted--fled in the night, for fear of the giants--there was a reactionary feeling of despondency and gloom among tom and his three friends. but the boldness and energy of the young inventor, his vigorous words, his determination to proceed at any cost to the unknown land that lay before them--these served as a tonic, and after a few moments, ned, mr. damon, and even eradicate looked at things with brighter spirits. "do you really mean it, tom?" asked ned. "will you go on to giant land?" "i surely will, if we can find it. why, we found the city of gold all alone, you and mr. damon and i, and i don't see why we can't find this land, especially when all we have to do is to march forward." "but look at the lot of stuff we have to carry!" went on ned, waving his hand toward the heap of packs that the mule drivers had left behind. "bless my baggage check, yes!" added mr. damon. "we can never do it. tom. we had better leave it here, and try to get back to civilization." "never!" cried tom. "i started off after a giant, and i'm going to get one, if i can induce one of the big men to come back with me. i'm not going to give up when we're so close. we can get more pack animals, i'm sure. i'm going to have a try for it. if i can't speak the language of these natives i can make signs. come on, ned, we'll pay a morning visit to the chief." "i'll come along," added mr. damon. "that's right," replied the young inventor. "rad, you go stand guard over our stuff. some of the natives might not be able to withstand temptation. don't let them touch anything." "dat's what i won't, massa tom. good land a massy! ef i sees any ob 'em lay a finger on a pack i'll shoot off my shotgun close to der ears, so i will. oh, ef i only had boomerang here, he could carry mos' all ob dis stuff his own se'f." "you've got a great idea of boomerang's strength," remarked tom with a laugh, as he and ned and mr. damon started for the big hut where the chief lived. "do you really think san pedro and the others left because they were afraid of the giants we might meet?" asked ned. "i think so," answered his chum. "bless my toothpick!" gasped mr. damon. "in that case maybe we'd better be on the lookout ourselves." "time enough to worry when we get there," answered the young inventor. "from what the circus man said the giants are not particularly cruel. of course mr. preston didn't have much information to go on, but--well, we'll have to wait--that's all. but i'm sure san pedro and the others were in a blue funk and vamoosed on that account." "hey, massa tom!" suddenly called eradicate. "heah am a letter i found on de baggage," and he ran forward with a missive, rudely scrawled on a scrap of paper. "it's from san pedro," remarked tom after a glance at it, "and it bears out what i said. he writes that he and his men never suspected that we were going after the giants, or they would never have come with us. he says they are very sorry to leave us, as we treated them well, but are afraid to go on. he adds that they have taken enough of our bartering goods to make up their wages, and enough food to carry them to the next village." "well," finished tom. as he folded the paper, "i suppose we can't kick, and, maybe after all, it will be for the best. now to see if the chief can let us have some mules." it took some time, by means of signs, to make the chief understand what had happened, but, when tom had presented him with a little toy that ran by a spring, and opened up a pack of trading goods, which he indicated would be exchanged for mules, or other beasts of burden, the chief grinned in a friendly fashion, and issued certain orders. several of his men hurried from the big hut, and a little later, when tom was showing the chief how to run the toy, there was a sound of confusion outside. "bless my battle axe!" cried mr. damon. "i hope that's not another war going on." "it's our new mules!" cried ned, taking a look. "and some cows and a bony horse or two, tom. we've drawn a rich lot of pack animals!" indeed there was a nondescript collection of beasts of burden. there were one or two good mules, several sorry looking horses, and a number of sleepy-eyed steers. but there were enough of them to carry all the boxes and bales that contained the outfit of our friends. "it might be worse," commented tom. "now if they'll help us pack up we'll travel on." more sign language was resorted to, and the chief, after another present had been made to him, sent some of his men to help put the packs on the animals. the steers, which tom did not regard with much favor, proved to be better than the mules, and by noon our friends were all packed up again, and ready to take the trail. the chief gave them a good dinner,--as native dinners go,--and then, after telling them that, though he had never seen the giants it had long been known that they inhabited the country to the north, he waved a friendly good-bye. "well, we'll see what luck we'll have by ourselves," remarked tom, as he mounted a bony mule, an example followed by ned, mr. damon and eradicate, they had left behind some of their goods, and so did not have so much to carry. food they had in condensed form and they were getting into the more tropical part of the country where game abounded. it was not as easy as they had imagined it would be for, with only four to drive so many animals, several of the beasts were continually straying from the trail, and once a big steer, with part of the aeroplane on its back, wandered into a morass and they had to labor hard to get the animal out. "well, this is fierce!" exclaimed tom, at the end of the first day when, tired and weary, bitten by insects, and torn by jungle briars, they made camp that night. "going to give up?" asked ned. "not much!" they felt better after supper, and, tethering the animals securely, they stretched out in their tents, with mosquito canopies over them to keep away the pestering insects. "i've got a new scheme," announced tom next morning at breakfast. "what is it? going on the rest of the way in the aeroplane?" asked ned hopefully. "no, though i believe if i had brought the big airship along i could have used it. but i mean about driving the animals. i'm going to make a long line of them, tying one to the other like the elephants in the circus when they march around, holding each other's tails. then one of us will ride in front, another in the rear, and one on each side. in that way we'll keep them going and they won't stray off." "bless my button hook!" cried mr. damon. "that's a good idea, tom!" it was carried out with much success, and thereafter they traveled better. but even at the best it was not easy work, and more than once tom's friends urged him to turn back. but he would not, ever pressing on, with the strange land for his goal. they had long since passed the last of the native villages, and they had to depend on their own efforts for food. fortunately they did not have any lack of game, and they fared well with what they had with them in the packs. occasionally they met little bands of native hunters, and, though usually these men fled at the sight of our friends, yet once they managed to make signs to one, who, informed them as best he could, that giant land was still far ahead of them. twice they heard distant sounds of native battles and the weird noise of the wooden drums and the tom-toms. once, as they climbed up a big hill, they looked down into a valley and saw a great conflict in which there must have been several thousand natives on either side. it was a fierce battle, seen even from afar, and tom and the others shuddered as they slipped down over the other side of the rise, and out of sight. "we'd better steer clear of them," was tom's opinion; and the others agreed with him. for another week they kept on, the way becoming more and more difficult, and the country more and more wild. they had fairly to cut their way through the jungle at times, and the only paths were animal trails, but they were better than nothing. for the last five days they had not seen a human being, and the loneliness was telling on them. "i'd be glad to see even a two-headed giant," remarked tom whimsically one night as they made their camp. "yes, and i'd be glad to hear someone talk, even in the sign language," added ned, with a grin. they slept well, for they were very tired, and tom, who shared his tent with ned, was awakened rather early the next morning by hearing someone moving outside the canvas shelter. "is that you, mr. damon?" he asked, the odd gentleman having a tent adjoining that of the boys. there was no answer. "rad, are you getting breakfast?" asked the young inventor. "what time is it?" still no answer. "what's the matter?" asked ned, who had been awakened by tom's inquiries. before our hero had a chance to reply the flap of his tent was pulled back, and a head was thrust in. but such a head! it was enormous! a head covered with a thick growth of tawny hair, and a face almost hidden in a big tawny, bushy beard. then an arm was thrust in--an arm that terminated in a brawny fist that clasped a great club. there was no mistaking the object that gazed in on the two youths. it was a gigantic man--a man almost twice the size of any tom had ever seen. and then our hero knew that he had reached the end of his quest. "a giant!" gasped tom. "ned! ned, we're in the big men's country, and we didn't know it!" "i--i guess you're right, tom!" the giant started at the sounds of their voices, and then his face breaking into a broad grin, that showed a great mouth filled with white teeth, he called to them in an unknown tongue and in a voice that seemed to fairly shake the frail tent. chapter xv in the "palace" of the king for a few moments after their first ejaculations neither tom nor ned knew what to do. the giant continued to gaze at them, with the same good-natured grin on his face. possibly he was amused at the small size of the persons in the tent. then tom spoke. "he doesn't look as if he would bite, ned." "no, he seems harmless enough. let's get up, and see what happens. i wonder if there are any more of them? they must have come out on an early hunt, and stumbled upon our camp." at this moment there arose a cry from mr. damon's tent. "bless my burglar alarm!" shouted the odd gentleman. "tom--ned--am i dreaming? there's a man here as big as a mountain. tom! ned!" "it's all right, mr. damon!" called tom. "we're among the giants all right. they won't hurt you." "fo' de good land ob massy!" screamed eradicate, a second later, and then they knew that he, too, had seen one of the big men. "fo' de lub ob pork chops! am dis de angel gabriel? listen to de blowin' ob de trump! oh, please good massa angel gabriel, i ain't nebber done nuffin! i's jest po' ol' eradicate sampson, an' i got a mule boomerang, and' dat's all i got. please good mr. angel--" "dry up, rad!" yelled tom. "it's only one of the giants. come on out of your tent and get breakfast. we're on the borders of giant land, evidently, and they seem as harmless as ordinary men. get up, everybody." as tom spoke he rose from the rubber blanket on which he slept. ned did the same, and the giant slowly pulled his head out from the tent. then the two youths went outside. a strange sight met their gaze. there were about ten natives standing in the camp--veritable giants, big men in every way. the young inventor had once seen a giant in a circus, and, allowing for shoes with very thick soles which the big man wore, his height was a little over seven feet. but these south american giants seemed more than a foot higher than that, none of those who had stumbled upon the camp being less than eight feet. "and i believe there must be bigger ones in their land, wherever that is," said tom. nor were these giants tall and thin, as was the one tom had seen, but stout, and well proportioned. they were savages, that was evident, but the curious part of it was that they were almost white, and looked much like the pictures of the old norsemen. but, best of all, they seemed good-natured, for they were continually laughing or smiling, and though they looked with wonder on the pile of boxes and bales, and on the four travelers, they seemed more bewildered and amused, than vindictive that their country should have been invaded. evidently the fears of the natives who had told tom about the giants had been unfounded. by this time mr. damon and eradicate had come from their tents, and were gazing with startled eyes at the giants who surrounded them. "bless my walking stick!" exclaimed mr. damon. "is it possible?" "yes, we've arrived!" cried tom. "now to see what happens. i wonder if they'll take us to their village, and i wonder if i can get one of these giants for mr. preston's circus?" "you certainly can't unless he wants to come," declared ned. "you'd have a hard tussle trying to carry one of these fellows away against his will, tom." "i sure would. i'll have to make inducements. well, i wonder what is best to do?" the giant who had looked in the tent of ned and tom, and who appeared to be the leader of the party, now spoke in his big, booming voice. he seemed to be asking tom a question, but the young inventor could not understand the language. tom replied in spanish, giving a short account of why he and his companions had come to the country, but the giant shook his head. then mr. damon, who knew several languages, tried all of them--but it was of no use. "we've got to go back to signs," declared tom, and then, as best he could, he indicated that he and the others had come from afar to seek the giants. he doubted whether he was understood, and he decided to wait until later to try and make them acquainted with the fact that he wanted one of them to come back with him. the head giant nodded, showing that at least he understood something, and then spoke to his companions. they conversed in their loud voices for some time, and then motioned to the pack animals. "i guess they want us to come along," said tom, "but let's have breakfast first. rad, get things going. maybe the giants will have some coffee and condensed milk, though they'll have to take about ten cupsful to make them think they've had anything. make a lot of coffee, rad." "but good land a massy, dey'll eat up eberyt'ing we got, massa tom," objected the colored man. "can't help it, rad. they're our guests and we've got to be polite," replied the youth. "it isn't every day that we have giants to breakfast." the big men watched curiously while rad built a fire, and when the colored man was trying to break a tough stick of wood with the axe, one of the giants picked up the fagot and snapped it in his fingers as easily as though it were a twig, though the stick was as thick as tom's arm. "some strength there," murmured ned to his chum admiringly. "yes, if they took a notion to go on a rampage we'd have trouble. but they seem kind and gentle." indeed the giants did, and they liked the coffee which they tasted rather gingerly at first. after their first sip they wanted more, made as sweet as possible, and they laughed and talked among themselves while eradicate boiled pot after pot. "dey suah will eat us out of house an' home, massa tom," he wailed. "never mind, rad. they will feed us well when we get to their town." then the pack animals were laden with their burdens. this was always a task, but for the giants it was child's play. with one hand they would lift a box or bale that used to tax the combined strength of the four travelers, and soon the steers, horses and mules were ready to proceed. the giants went on ahead, to show the way, the first one, who seemed to be called "oom," for that was the way his companions addressed him, walked beside tom, who rode on a mule. in fact the giant had to walk slowly, so as not to get ahead of the animal. oom tried to talk to tom, but it was hard work to pick out the signs that meant something, and so neither gained much information. tom did gather, however, that the giants were out on an early hunt when they had discovered our friends, and their chief town lay about half a day's journey off in the jungle. the path along which they proceeded, was better than the forest trails, and showed signs of being frequently used. "it doesn't seem possible that we are really among giants, tom," spoke ned, as they rode along. "i hardly believed there were giants." "there always have been giants," declared the young inventor. "i read about them in an encyclopedia before i started on this trip. of course there's lots of wild stories about giants, but there have really been some very big men. take the skeleton in the museum of trinity college, dublin. it is eight feet and a half in height, and the living man must have even taller. there was a giant named o'brien, and his skeleton is in the college of physicians and surgeons of england--that one is eight feet two inches high, while there are reliable records to show that, when living, o'brien was two inches taller than that. in fact, according to the books, there have been a number of giants nine feet high." "then these chaps aren't so wonderful," replied ned. "oh, we haven't seen them all yet. we may find some bigger than these fellows, though any one of these would be a prize for a museum. not a one is less than eight feet, and if we could get one say ten feet--that would be a find." "rather an awkward one," commented ned. it did not seem possible that they were really in giant land, yet such was the fact. of course the country itself was no different from any other part of the jungle, for merely because big men lived in it did not make the trees or plants any larger. "i tell you how i account for it," said tom, as they traveled on. "these men originally belonged to a race of people noted for their great size. then they must have lived under favorable conditions, had plenty of flesh and bone-forming food, and after several generations they gradually grew larger. you know that by feeding the right kind of food to animals you can make them bigger, while if they get the wrong kind they are runts, or dwarfs." "oh, yes; that's a well-known fact," chimed in mr. damon. "then why not with human beings?" went on tom. "there's nothing wonderful in this." "no, but it will be wonderful if we get away with one of these giants," spoke ned grimly. further talk was interrupted by a sudden shouting on the part of the big men. oom made some rapid motions to tom, and a little later they emerged from the woods upon a large, grassy plain, on the other side of which could be seen a cluster of big grass and mud huts. "there is the city of the giants!" cried tom, and so it proved, a little later, when they got to it. now there was nothing remarkable about this city or native town. it was just like any other in the wilder parts of south america or africa. there was a central place, where, doubtless, the natives gathered on market days, and from this the huts of the inhabitants stretched out in irregular lines, like streets. off to one side of the "market square," as tom called it, was a large hut, surrounded by several smaller ones, and from the manner in which it was laid out, and decorated, it was evident that this was the "palace" of the king, or chief ruler. "say, look at that fellow!" cried ned, pointing to a giant who was just entering the "palace" as tom dubbed the big hut. "he looks eleven feet if he's an inch." "i believe you!" cried tom. "say, i wonder how big the king is?" "i don't know, but he must be a top-notcher. i wonder what will happen to us?" oom, who had tom and his party in charge, led them to the "palace" and it was evident that they were going to be presented to the chief or native king. back of our friends stretched out their pack train, the beasts carrying the boxes and bales. surrounding them were nearly all the inhabitants of the giants' town, and when the cavalcade had come to a halt in front of the "palace," oom raised his voice in a mighty shout. it was taken up by the populace, and then every one of them knelt down. "i guess his royal highness is about to appear," said tom grimly. "yes, maybe we'd better kneel, too," spoke ned. "not much! we're citizens of the united states, and we don't kneel to anybody. i'm going to stand up." "so am i!" said mr. damon. an instant later the grass mat that formed the front door of the "palace" was drawn aside, and there stood confronting our hero and his friends, the king of giant land. and a mighty king was he in size, for he must have been a shade over ten feet tall, while on either side of him was a man nearly as big as himself. once more oom boomed out a mighty shout and, kneeling as the giants were, they took it up, repeating it three times. the king raised his hand as though in blessing upon his people, and then, eyeing tom and his three friends he beckoned them to approach. "he wants to see us at close range," whispered the young inventor. "come on, ned and mr. damon. trail along, eradicate." "good--good land ob massy!" stammered the colored man. and then the little party advanced into the "palace" of the giant king. chapter xvi the rival circus man tom swift gazed fearlessly into the face of the giant ruler who confronted him. the young inventor said later that he had made up his mind that to show no fear was the only way of impressing the big king, for surely no show of strength could have done it. with one hand the giant could have crushed the life from our hero. but evidently he had no such intentions, for after gazing curiously at the four travelers who stood before him, and looking for some time at the honest, black face of eradicate, the king made a motion for them to sit down. they did, upon grass mats in the big hut that formed the palace of the ruler. it was not a very elaborate place, but then the king's wants were few and easily satisfied. the place was clean, tom was glad to note. the king, who was addressed by his subjects as kosk, as nearly as tom could get it, asked some questions of oom, who seemed to be the chief of the hunters. thereupon the man who had looked into tom's and ned's tent that morning, and who had followed them into the palace, began a recital of how he had found the little travelers. though tom and his friends could not understand a word of the language, it was comparatively easy to follow the narrative by the gestures used. then the king asked several questions, others of the hunting party were sent for and quizzed, and finally the ruler seemed satisfied, for he rattled off a string of talk in his deep, booming voice. truly he was a magnificent specimen of manhood, being as i have said, about ten feet tall, and built in proportion. on either side of him, upon rude benches covered with soft jaguar skins, sat two men, evidently his brothers, for they looked much like the king. one was called tola and the other koku, for the ruler addressed them from time to time, and seemed to be asking their advice. "they're making up their minds what to do with us," murmured tom. "i only hope they let us stay long enough to learn the language, and then i can make an offer to take one back to the united states with me." "jove! wouldn't it be great if you could get the king!" exclaimed ned. "oh, that's too much, but i'd like one of his brothers. they're each a good nine feet tall, and they must be as strong as horses." in contrast to some giants of history, whose only claim to notoriety lay in their height, these giants were very powerful. many giants have flabby muscles, but these of south america were like athletes. tom realized this when there suddenly entered the audience chamber a youth of about our hero's age, but fully seven feet tall, and very big. he was evidently the king's son, for he wore a jaguar skin, which seemed to be a badge of royalty. he had seemingly entered without permission, to see the curious strangers, for the king spoke quickly to him, and then to tola, who with a friendly grin on his big face lifted the lad with one hand and deposited him in a room that opened out of the big chamber. "did you see that!" cried ned. "he lifted him as easily as you or i would a cat, and i'll bet that fellow weighed close to four hundred pounds, tom." "i should say so! it's great!" the audience was now at an end, and tom thought it was about time to make some sort of a present to the king to get on good terms with him. he looked out of the palace hut and saw that their pack animals were close at hand. nearby was one that had on its back a box containing a phonograph and some records. making signs that he wanted to bring in some of his baggage, tom stepped out of the hut, telling his friends to wait for him. the king and the other giants watched the lad curiously, but did not endeavor to stop him. "i'm going to give him a little music," went on the young inventor as he adjusted the phonograph, and slipped in a record of a lively dance air. his motions were curiously watched, and when the phonograph started and there was a whirr of the mechanism, some of the giants who had crowded into the king's audience chamber, showed a disposition to run. but a word of command from their ruler stopped them. suddenly the music started and, coming forth as it did from the phonograph horn, in the midst of that hut, in which stood the silence-awed giants, it was like a bolt of lightning from the clear sky. at first the king and all the others seemed struck dumb, and then there arose a mighty shout, and one word was repeated over and over again. it sounded like "chackalok! chackalok!" and later tom learned that it meant wizard, magician or something like that. shout after shout rent the air, and was taken up by those outside, for through the open door the strains of music floated. the giants seemed immensely pleased, after their first fright, and suddenly the king, coming down from his throne, stood with his big ear as nearly inside the horn as he could get it. a great grin spread over his face and then, approaching tom, he leaned over, touched him once on the forehead, and uttered a word. at this sign of royal favor the other giants at once bowed to tom. "say," cried ned, "you've got his number all right! you're one of the royal family now, tom." "it looks like it. well, i'm glad of it, for i want to be on friendly terms with his royal highness." once more the king addressed tom, and the head hunter, motioning to tom and his friends, led them out of the palace, and to a large hut not far off. this, he made himself understood by signs, was to be their resting place, and truly it was not a bad home, for it was well made. it had simple furniture in it, low couches covered with skins, stools, and there were several rooms to it. calling in authorative tones to his fellow hunters, tom had them take the packs off the beasts of burdens and soon the boxes, bales and packages were carried into the big hut, which was destined to be the abiding place of our friends for some time. the animals were then led away. "well, here we are, safe and sound, with all our possessions about us," commented tom, when all but oom had withdrawn. "i guess we'll make out all right in giant land. i wonder what they have to eat? or perhaps we'd better tackle some of our own grub." he looked at oom, who laughed gleefully. then tom rubbed his stomach, opened his mouth and pointed to it and said: "we'd like to eat--we're hungry!" oom boomed out something in his bass voice, grinned cheerfully, and hurried out. a little later he came back, and following him, a number of giant women. each one bore a wooden platter or slab of bark which answered for a plate. the plates were covered with broad palm leaves, and when they had been set down on low benches, and the coverings removed, our friends saw they had food in abundance. there was some boiled lamb, some roasted fowls, some cereal that looked like boiled rice, some sweet potatoes, a number of other things which could only be guessed at, and a big gourd filled with something that smelled like sweet cider. "say, this is a feast all right, after what we've been living on!" cried tom. once more oom laughed joyfully, pointing to the food and to our friends in turn. "oh, we'll eat all right!" exclaimed tom. "don't worry about that!" the good-natured giant showed them where they could find rude wooden dishes and table implements, and then he left them alone. it was rather awkward at first, for though the bench or table looked low in comparison to the size of the room, yet it was very high, to allow for the long legs of the giants getting under it. "if we stay here long enough we can saw off the table legs," said the young inventor. "now for our first meal in giant land." they were just helping themselves when there arose a great shouting outside. "i wonder what's up now?" asked tom, pausing with upraised fork. "maybe the king is coming to see us," suggested ned. "i'll look," volunteered mr. damon, as he went to the door. then he called quickly: "tom! ned! look! it's that minister we met on the ship--reverend josiah blinderpool! how in the world did he ever get here? and how strangely he's dressed!" well might mr. damon say this, for the supposed clergyman was attired in a big checked suit, a red vest, a tall hat and white canvas shoes. in fact he was almost like some theatrical performer. the gaudily-dressed man was accompanied by two natives, and all rode mules, and there were three other animals, laden with packs on either side. "what's his game?" mused ned. the answer came quickly and from the man himself. riding forward toward the king's hut or palace, while the populace of wondering giants followed behind, the man raised his voice in a triumphant announcement. "here at last!" he cried. "in giant land! and i'm ahead of tom swift for all his tricks. i've got tom swift beat a mile." "oh, you have!" shouted our hero with a sudden resolve, as he stepped into view. "well, you've got another guess coming. i'm here ahead of you, and there's standing room only." "tom swift!" gasped the rival circus man. "tom swift here in ahead of me!" chapter xvii held captives there was a great commotion among the giants. men, women and children ran to and fro, and a number of the largest of the big men could be seen hurrying into the palace hut of king kosk. if the arrival of tom and his friends had created a surprise it was more than doubled when the circus man, and his small caravan, advanced into the giants' city. his approach had been unheralded because the giants were so taken up with tom and his party that no one thought to guard the paths leading into the village. and, as a matter of fact, the giants were so isolated, they were so certain of their own strength, and they had been unmolested so many years, that they did not dream of danger. as for our hero, he stood in the hut gazing at his rival, while hank delby, in turn, stared at the young inventor. then hank dismounted from his mule and approached tom's hut. "bless my railroad ticket!" exclaimed mr. damon. "this is a curious state of affairs! what in the world are we to do, tom?" "i don't know, i'm sure. we'll have to wait until we see what he does. he's been following us all along. he was that fake minister on the boat. it's a wonder we didn't get on to him. i believe he's been trying to learn our secret ever since mr. preston warned us about him. now he's here and he'll probably try to spoil our chances for getting a giant so that he may get one for himself. perhaps andy foger gave him a tip about our plans." "but can't we stop him?" asked ned. "i'm going to try!" exclaimed tom grimly. "here he comes," spoke mr. damon quickly. "i wonder what he wants?" hank delby had started toward the big hut that sheltered our friends, while the gathered crowd of curious giants looked on and wondered what the arrival of two white parties so close together could mean. "well, what do you want?" asked tom, when, his rival had come within speaking distance. "there's no use beating about the bush with you, tom swift," was the frank answer. "i may as well out with it. i came after a giant, and i'm going to get one for mr. waydell." "then you took advantage of our trail, and followed us?" asked the young inventor. "oh, you can put it that way if you like," replied delby calmly. "i have followed you, and a hard time i've had of it. i tried to do it quietly, but you got on to my tricks. however it doesn't matter. i'm here now, and i'm going to beat you out if i can." "i remember now!" exclaimed ned whispering in tom's ear, "he was disguised as one of the mule drivers and you fired him because he had a revolver. don't you remember, tom?" "that's right!" exclaimed the young inventor as he noted the face and form of delby more closely. then our hero added: "you played a low-down trick, mr. delby, and it won't do you any good. i caught you trying to sneak along in my company and i'll catch you again. i'm here first, and i've got the best right to try and get a giant for mr. preston, and if you had any idea of fair play--" "all's fair in this business, tom swift," was the quick answer. "i'm going to do my best to beat you, and i expect you to do your best to beat me. i can't speak any fairer than that. it's war between us, from now on, and you might as well know it. one thing i will promise you, though, if there's any danger of you or your party getting hurt by these big men i'll fight on your side. but i guess they are too gentle to fight." "we can look after ourselves," declared tom. "and since it's to be war between us look out for yourself." "don't worry!" exclaimed tom's rival with a laugh. "i've gone through a lot to get here, and i'm not going to give up without a struggle. i guess--" but he did not finish his sentence for at that moment oom, the big hunting giant, came up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder, and pointed to the king's hut, motioning to indicate that mr. delby was wanted there. "very good," said the circus agent in what he tried to make sound like a jolly voice, "i'm to call on his majesty; am i? here's where i beat you to it, tom swift." tom did not answer, but there was a worried look on his face, as he turned to join his friends in the big hut. and, as he looked from a window, and saw delby being led into the presence of kosk, tom could hear the strains of the big phonograph he had presented to the king. "i guess his royal highness will remain friends with us," said ned with a smile, as he heard the music. "he can see what a lot of presents and other things we have, and as for that delby, he doesn't seem to have much of anything." "oh, i haven't shown half the things i have as yet," spoke tom. "but i don't like this, just the same. those giants may turn from us, and favor him on the slightest pretence. i guess we've got our work cut out for us." "then let's plan some way to beat him," suggested mr. damon. "look over your goods, tom, and make the king a present that will bind his friendship to us." "i believe i will," decided the young inventor and then he and ned began overhauling the boxes and bales, while a crowd of curious giants stood without their hut, and another throng surrounded the palace of the giant king. "there goes delby out to get something from his baggage," announced ned, looking from the window. tom saw his rival taking something from one of the packs slung across the back of a mule. soon the circus agent hurried back into the king's hut, and a moment later there was heard the strains of a banjo being picked by an unpracticed hand. it was succeeded by a rattling tune played in good style. "bless my fiddlestick!" exclaimed mr. damon, "does your phonograph have a banjo record, tom?" "no." was the somewhat hesitating answer of the young inventor. "delby who can play a banjo himself must have given kosk one for a present, and, like a child, the king is amused by the latest novelty. so far he has scored one on us," he added, as once more they heard the unmelodious strains of the banjo slowly picked. "the king is evidently learning to play the instrument, and he'd rather have that than a phonograph, which only winds up." "but haven't you some other things you can give the king to off-set the banjo?" asked mr. damon. "plenty of them," replied tom. "but if i give him--say a toy steam engine, for i have one among our things--what is to prevent delby giving him some other novelty that will take his attention? in that way we'll sea-saw back and forth, and i guess delby has had more experience in this business than i have. it's going to be a question which of us gets a giant." "bless my reserved seat ticket!" exclaimed mr. damon. "i never heard of such a thing! but, tom, i'm sure we'll win out." "get something startling to give the king," advised ned, and tom began opening one of the boxes that had been transported with such labor from the coast. "delby had much better luck with his mule drivers than we did tom," remarked ned as he saw the two natives standing by the pack animals of the rival circus man. "they evidently didn't get scared off by the giants." "no, but probably he didn't tell them where they were headed for. though, as a matter of fact, i don't believe any one has anything to fear from these big men. all they ask is to be let alone. they're not at all warlike, and i don't believe they'd attack the other natives. but probably their size makes them feared, and when our drivers heard the word 'giant' they simply wilted." "guess you're right. but come on, tom. if we're going to make the king a present that will open his eyes, and get him on our side instead of delby's, we'd better be getting at it." "i will. this is what i'm going to give him," and tom brought out from a box a small toy circus, with many performing animals and acrobats, the whole being worked by a small steam engine that burned alcohol for fuel. a little water put in the boiler of the toy engine, a lighting of the alcohol wick and there would be a toy that even a youngster of the united states might be proud to own. "mah land a massy!" exclaimed eradicate as tom got the apparatus ready to work. "dat shore will please him!" "it ought to," replied the young inventor. "come on, now i'm ready." delby had not yet come from the king's hut, and as tom and his friends, bearing the new toy, were about to leave the structure that had been set aside for their use, they saw a crowd of the giant men approaching. each of the big men carried a club and a spear. "bless my eye glasses!" gasped mr. damon. "something is wrong. what can it be?" he had his answer a moment later. with a firm but gentle motion the chief giant shoved our four friends back into the hut, and then pulled the grass mat over the opening. then, as tom and the others could see by looking from a crack, he and several others took their position in front, while other giants went to the various windows, stationing themselves outside like sentries around a guard house. "bless my--" began mr. damon, but words failed him. "we're prisoners!" gasped ned. "it looks like it," admitted tom grimly. "evidently delby has carried out his threat and set the king against us. we are to be held captives here, and he can do as he pleases. oh, why didn't i think sooner." chapter xviii tom's mysterious box the young inventor walked slowly back to the middle of the hut--a prison now it was--and sat down on a bench. the others followed his example, and the elaborate toy, with which they had hoped to win the king's favor, was laid aside. for a moment there was silence in the structure--a silence broken only by the pacing up and down of the giant guards outside. then eradicate spoke. "massa tom," began the aged negro, "can't we git away from heah?" "it doesn't seem so, rad." "can't we shoot some of dem giants wif de 'lectric guns, an' carry a couple ob 'em off after we stun 'em like?" "no, rad; i'm afraid violent measures won't do, though now that you speak of the guns i think that we had better get them ready." "you're not going to shoot any of them, are you, tom?" asked mr. damon quickly. "no, but if they continue to turn against us as easily as they have, there is no telling what may happen. if they attack us we will have to defend ourselves. but i think they are too gentle for that, unless they are unduly aroused by what misstatements hank delby may make against us." "misstatements?" inquired ned. "yes. i don't doubt but what he told the king a lot of stuff that isn't true, to cause his majesty to make us captives here. probably he said we came to destroy the giant city with magic, or something like that, and he represented himself as a simple traveler. he's used to that sort of business, for he has often tried to get ahead of mr. preston in securing freaks or valuable animals for the circus. he wants to make it look bad for us, and good for himself. so far he has succeeded. but i've got a plan." "what is it?" asked mr. damon. "i'll tell you when i've got it more worked out. the thing to do now is to get in shape to stand off the giants if they should attack us. this hut is pretty strong, and we can risk a siege in here. let's arrange the boxes and bales into a sort of breastwork, and then we'll take the electric rifles inside." this was soon done, and, though there was considerable noise attending the moving about of the boxes and bales, the giant guards did not seem at all alarmed. they did not even take the trouble to stop the work, though they looked in the windows. in a short time there was a sort of hollow square formed in the middle of the big main room, and inside of this our friends could give battle. "and now for my plan of teaching these giants a lesson," said tom, when this work was finished. "ned, help me open this box," and he indicated one with his initials on in red letters. "that's the same one you saved from the fire in the ship," commented ned. "yes, and i can't put it to just exactly the use i intended, as the situation has changed--for the worse i may say. but this box will answer a good purpose," and tom and ned proceeded to open the mysterious case which the young inventor had transported with such care. "bless my cannon cracker!" exclaimed mr. damon who watched them. "you're as careful of that as if it contained dynamite." "it does contain something like that," answered tom. "it has some blasting powder in, and i was going to use it to show the giants how little their strength would prevail against the power which the white man could secure from some harmless looking powder. there are also a lot of fireworks in the box, and i intend to use them to scare these big men. that's why i was so afraid when i heard that there was a blaze near my box. i was worried for fear the ship would be blown up. but i can't use the blasting powder--at least not now. but we'll give these giants an idea of what fourth of july looks like. come on, ned, we'll take a look and see from which window it will be safest to set off the rockets and other things, as i don't want to set fire to any of the grass huts." eradicate and mr. damon looked on wonderingly while tom and his chum got out the packages of fireworks which had been kept safe and dry. as for the giant guards, if they saw through the windows what was going on, they made no effort to stop tom. tom had brought along a good collection of sky rockets, aerial bombs, roman candles and similar things, together with the blasting powder. the latter was put in a safe place in a side room, and then, with some boards, the young inventor and his chum proceeded to make a sort of firing stand. one big window opened out toward a vacant stretch of woods into which it would not be dangerous to aim the fireworks. building the stand took some time, and they knocked off to make a meal from the food that had been brought, and which they had been about to eat when the circus man had appeared. the food was good, and it made them feel better. "i hope they won't forget us to-morrow," observed tom, for there was enough of the first meal left for supper. "but if they do we have some food of our own." "oh, i don't think they mean to starve us," remarked ned. "i think they are just acting on suggestions from that circus man." "perhaps," agreed tom. "well, they may sing another tune when we get through with them." as night approached the giant guards about the hut were changed, and again the women came, bearing platters of food. there was plenty of it, showing that the king, however fickle his friendship might be, did not intend to starve his captives. tom and his friends had not seen delby come out of the royal palace, and they concluded that he was still with his giant majesty. "is it dark enough now, tom?" asked ned of his chum, as they sat about the rude wooden platform which they had made to hold the fireworks. "shall we set them off?" "pretty soon now. wait until it gets a little darker, and the effect will be better." the room was dimly lighted by a small portable electric lamp, one of several tom had brought along in his mysterious box. the lamps were operated by miniature but powerful dry batteries. the giant guards were still outside, but they showed no disposition to interfere with our friends. "there's something going on at the palace," reported mr. damon, who was watching the big hut. "there are a lot of giants around it with torches." "maybe they're going to escort delby to a hut with the same honors they paid us," suggested tom. "if they do, we'll set off the fireworks as he comes out and maybe they'll think he is afflicted with bad magic, and they'll give us our freedom." "good idea!" cried ned. "say, that's what they're going to do," he added a moment later as, in the glare of a number of torches, there could be seen issuing from the king's palace, the two big giants, evidently his brothers. between them was the figure of the circus man, looking like a dwarf. he was not so far away but what the smile of triumph on his face could be seen as he glanced in the direction of the darkened hut where tom and his friends were captives. "now's our chance!" cried the young inventor. "set 'em off, ned. you help, mr. damon. the more noise and fuss we make at once, the more impressive it will be. set off everything in sight!" there was a flicker of matches as they were applied to the fuses, and then a splutter of sparks. an instant later it seemed as if the whole heavens had been lighted up. sky rockets shot screaming toward the zenith, aerial bombs went whirling slantingly upward amid a shower of sparks, then to burst with deafening reports, sending out string after string of colored lights. red and green fire gleamed, and the hot balls from roman candles burst forth. there was a whizz, a rush and a roar. blinding flashes and startling reports followed each other as tom and his friends set off the fireworks. it was like the independence day celebration of some little country village, and to the simple giants it must have seemed as if a volcano had suddenly gone into action. for several minutes the din and racket, the glare and explosions, kept up, pouring out of the big window of the hut. and then, as the last of the display was shot off, and darkness seemed to settle down blacker than ever over the giant village, there arose howls of fear and terror from the big men and their women and children. they cried aloud in their thunderous voices, and there was fear in every cry. chapter xix weak giants a great silence followed the setting off of the fireworks--silence and darkness--and even the circus man ceased to shout. he wanted to see what the effect would be. so did tom and the others. when their eyes had become used to the gloom again, after the glare of the rockets and bombs, the young inventor said: "look out of the windows, ned, and see if our guards have run away." ned did as requested, but for a few seconds he could make out nothing. then he cried out: "they've gone, but they're coming back again, and there are twice as many. i guess they don't want us to escape, tom, for fear we may do a lot of damage." "bless my hitching post!" cried mr. damon. "the guards doubled? we are in a predicament, tom." "yes, i'm afraid so. the fireworks didn't just have the effect i expected. i thought they'd be glad to let us go, fearing that we could work magic, and might turn it on them. most of the natives are deadly afraid of magic, the evil eye, witch doctors, and stuff like that. but evidently we've impressed the giants in the wrong way. if we could only speak their language now, we could explain that unless they let us go we might destroy their village, though of course we wouldn't do anything of the kind. if we could only speak their language but we can't." "do you suppose they understood what delby said?" asked ned. "not a bit of it! he was just desperate when he yelled out that way. he saw that we had an advantage on him--or at least i thought we did, but i guess we didn't," and tom gazed out of the windows in front of each of which stood two of the largest giants. by means of the torches it could be seen that the circus man was being taken to another hut, some distance away from the royal one. then, after an awed silence, there broke out a confused talking and shouting among the giant population, that was drawn up in a circle a respectful distance from the hut where the captives were confined. doubtless they were discussing what had taken place, hoping and yet fearing, that there might be more fireworks. "well, we might as well go to bed," declared tom at length. "we can't do any more to-night, and i'm dead tired. in the morning we can talk over new plans. my box of tricks isn't exhausted yet." in spite of their strange captivity our friends slept well, and they did not awaken once during the night, for they had worked hard that day, and were almost exhausted. in the morning they looked out and saw guards still about the hut. "now for a good breakfast, and another try!" exclaimed tom, as he washed in a big earthen jar of water that had been provided. freshened by the cool liquid, they were made hungry for the meal which was brought to them a little later. they noticed that the women cooks looked at them with fear in their eyes, and did not linger as they had done before. instead they set down the trays of food and hurried away. "they're getting to be afraid of us," declared tom. "if we could only talk their language--" "by jove!" suddenly interrupted ned. "i've just thought of something. jake poddington you know--the agent for mr. preston who so mysteriously disappeared." "well, what about him?" asked tom. "did you see him?" "no, but he may be here--a captive like ourselves. if he is he's been here long enough to have learned the language of the giants, and if he could translate for us, we wouldn't have any trouble. why didn't we think of it before? if we could only find mr. poddington!" "yes, if we only could," put in tom. "but it's a slim chance. i declare i've forgotten about him in the last few days, so many things have happened. but what makes you think he is here, ned?" "why he started for giant land, you'll remember, and he may have reached here. oh, if we could only find him, and save him and save ourselves!" "it would be great!" admitted tom. "but i'm afraid we can't do it. there's a chance, though, that mr. poddington may be here, or may have been here. if we could only get out and make some explorations or some inquiries. it's tough to be cooped up here like chickens." tom looked from the window, vainly hoping that the guards might have been withdrawn. the giants were still before the windows and doors. for a week this captivity was kept up, and in that time tom and his friends had occasional glimpses of hank delby going to and from the king's hut. his majesty himself was not seen, but there appeared to be considerable activity in the giant village. from their prison-hut the captives could see the native market held in the big open space, and giants from surrounding towns and the open country came in to trade. there were also curious about the white captives, and there was a constant throng around the big hut, peering in. so also there was about the hut where the circus man had his headquarters. delby seemed to be free to come and go as he choose. "i guess he's laying his plans to take a giant or two away with him," remarked tom one day. "i wonder what will become of us, when he does go?" it was a momentous question, and no one could answer it. tom was doing some hard thinking those days. two weeks passed and there was no change. our friends were still captives in giant land. they had tried, by signs, to induce their guards to take some message to the king, but the giants refused with shakes of their big heads. yet the adventurers could not complain of bad treatment. they were well fed, and the guards seemed good natured, laughing among themselves, and smiling whenever they saw any of the captives. but let tom or some of the others, step across the threshold of the door, and they were kindly, but firmly, shoved back. "it's of no use!" exclaimed tom in despair one day, after a bold attempt to walk out. "we've got to do something. if we can't get word to the king we've got to plan some way to gain the friendship, or work on the fear of the guards. we have about the same crowd every time. if we can scare them they may keep far enough off so we can have a chance to escape." "escape! that's the thing!" cried mr. damon. "why can't we put the airship together in this hut, tom, and fly away in it?" "we can, when the right time comes--if it ever does--but first we've got to work on the guards. let me see what i can do? ha! i have it. ned, come here, i want your help. i'm going to show these giants that, with all their strength, i can make each of them as weak as a baby, and, at the same time prove that they can't lift even a light weight." "how you going to do it?" asked mr. damon. "i'll soon show you. come on, ned." tom and his chum were busy for several days among the various boxes and bales that formed the baggage. they rigged up two pieces of apparatus which i will describe in due time. they also opened several boxes of trinkets and trading goods, which had been brought along for barter. these they distributed among the guards, and, though the giants were immensely pleased, they did not get friendly enough to walk off and leave our friends free to do as they pleased. "well, i guess we're ready for the lesson now," remarked tom one afternoon, when they had been held captives for about three weeks. "if they won't respond to gentle treatment we'll try some other kind of persuasion." the guards had become so friendly of late that some of them often spent part of the day inside the hut, looking at the curious things tom and his party had brought with them. this was just what the young inventor wanted, as he was now ready to give them a second lesson in white man's magic. tom and ned had learned a few words of the giant's language, which was quite simple, though it sounded hard, and one day, after he had shown them simple toys, the young inventor brought forth a simple-looking box, with two shining handles. "here is a little thing," explained tom, partly by words, and partly by using signs, "a simple little thing which, if one of you will but take hold of, you cannot let go of again until i move my finger. do you believe that a small white man like myself can make this little thing stronger than a giant?" he asked. one of the biggest of the guards shook his head. "try," invited tom. "take hold of the handles. at first you will be able to let go easily. but, when i shall move my finger though but a little, you will be held fast. then, another movement, and you will be loose again. can i do it?" once more the giant shook his head. "try," urged tom, and he put the two shining handles into the big palms of the giant. the native grinned and some of his companions laughed. then to show how easy it was he let go. he took hold again. "now!" cried tom, and he moved his finger. instantly the giant leaped up into the air. he uttered a howl that seemed to shake the very roof of the hut, and his arms were as rigid as poles. they were drawn up in knots, and though he tried with all his great might, he could not loose his fingers from the shiny handles. he howled in terror, and his companions murmured in amazement. "it is as i told you!" exclaimed tom. "is it enough?" "loose me! loose me! loose me from the terrible magic!" cried the giant, and, with a movement of his finger, tom switched off the current from the electric battery. instantly the giant's arms dropped to his side, his hands relaxed and the handles dropped clattering to the floor. with a look of fear, and a howl of anguish, the big guard fled, but to the surprise and gratification of tom and his friends the others seemed only amused, and they nodded in a friendly fashion to the captives. they all pressed forward to try the battery. one and all endeavored to loose their hands after tom, by a movement of his forefinger, had turned the switch of the battery, and one and all of the giant guards were unable to stir, as the electricity gripped their muscles. they were evidently awed. "this is working better than the fireworks did," murmured tom. "now if i can only keep up the good work, and get ahead of delby i'll be all right. now for the other test, ned." ned brought from a box what looked to be a small iron bar, with a large handle on the top. the bottom was ground very smooth. "this is very small and light," explained tom, partly by signs, and partly by words. "i can easily lift it by one finger, and to a giant it is but a feather's weight." he let the giants handle it, and of course they could feel scarcely any weight at all, for it tipped the scales at only a pound. but it was shortly to be much heavier. "see," went on the young inventor. "i place the weight on the floor, and lift it easily. can you do it?" the giants laughed at such a simple trick. tom set the iron bar down and raised it several times. so did several of the giants. "now for the test!" cried tom with a dramatic gesture. "i shall put my magic upon you, and you shall all become as weak as babies. you cannot lift the bar of iron!" as he spoke he made a signal to ned, who stood in a distant corner of the room. then tom carefully placed the weight on a sheet of white paper on a certain spot on the floor of the hut and motioned to the largest giant to pick up the iron bar. with a laugh of contempt and confidence, the big man stooped over and grasped the handle. but he did not arise. instead, the muscles of his naked arm swelled out in great bunches. "see, you are as a little babe!" taunted tom. "another may try!" another did, and another and another, until it came the turn of the mightiest giant of all the guard that day. with a sudden wrench he sought to lift the bar. he tugged and strained. he bent his back and his legs; his shoulders heaved with the terrific effort he made--but the bar still held to the floor of the hut as though a part of the big beams themselves. "now!" cried tom. "i shall show you how a white man's magic makes him stronger than the biggest giant." once more he made a hidden sign to ned, and then, stooping over, tom crooked his little finger in the handle of the iron bar and lifted it as easily as if it was a feather. chapter xx the lone captive the murmurs of astonishment that greeted tom's seemingly marvelous feat of strength was even greater than that which had marked his trick with the electric battery. the giants stared at him as though they feared the next moment he might suddenly turn upon them and hurl them about like ten-pins. "you see, it is easy when one knows the white man's magic," spoke tom, making many gestures to help along. "go tell your king that it is not well that he keeps us prisoners here, for if he does not soon let us go the magic may break loose and destroy his palace!" there was a gasp of dismay from the giants at this bold talk. "better go easy, tom," counseled ned. "i'm tired of going easy," replied the young inventor. "something has got to happen pretty soon, or it will be all up with us. i'm getting weary of being cooped up here. not that the king doesn't treat us well, but i don't want to be a prisoner. i want to get out and see if we can't arrange to take a couple of these giants back for mr. preston. that delby sneak has things all his own way." and this was so, for the circus man had poisoned the king's mind against tom and his friends, representing (as our hero learned later) that the first arrivals in giant land were dangerous people, and not to be trusted. on his own part, hank delby intimated that he would always be a friend to the king, would teach him many of the white man's secrets, and would make him powerful. thus the circus man was making plans for his own ends, and he was scheming to get a couple of giants for himself, who he intended to hurry away, leaving tom and his friends to escape as best they could. and delby had brought with him some novelties in the way of toys and machinery that seemed greatly to take the fancy of the king. tom realized this when he saw his rival free to come and go, and one reason why our hero did the experiments just related was so that the king might hear of them, and wonder. "go tell the king that, strong as he is, i am stronger," went on tom boldly to the giant guards. "i am not afraid of him." "bless my war club, tom, aren't you a little rash to talk that way?" asked mr. damon. "no. as i said, i want things to happen. if i can only get the king curious enough to come here i can show him things to open his eyes. i'll work the miniature circus, and explain that some of his subjects can take part in a real one if they will come with us. i want to beat this delby at his own game." "that's the stuff!" cried ned. "stick to it, tom. i'll help you, and we'll get a giant or two yet. and maybe we can get some news of poor jake poddington." "i intend to make inquiries about him, now that these guards are a little more friendly," said tom. "it may be that he is a prisoner in this very village." the giant guards, now that they had gotten over their fright at their own inability to raise the bar while tom had lifted it with one finger, again crowded around, asking that the trick be repeated. tom did it, with the same result. none of the giants could move the iron, yet tom had no difficulty in doing so. of course my readers have already guessed how the trick was done. it was worked by a strong magnet, hidden in the floor. at a signal from tom, ned would switch on the current. the iron would be held fast and immovable, but when tom himself went to raise it ned would cut off the electricity and the bar was lifted as easily as an ordinary piece of iron. but simple as the trick was, it impressed the giants. then tom did some other stunts for them, simple experiments in physics, that every high school lad has done in class. "i want to get these guards friendly with me," he explained. "in time the news will reach the king and he'll be so curious that he'll come here and then--well, we'll see what will happen." but this did not take place as soon as tom desired. in fact, the giants were very slow to act. the guards did get quite friendly, and every day they wanted the same two first tricks performed over again. tom did them many times, wondering when the king would come. then he played a bold game, and made open inquiries about a white man, one like the king's captives, who might have come to giant land about a year previous. "is there a lone white captive here?" asked tom. the giant guard to whom he directed his question gave a start, for tom could now speak the language fairly well, and, after the first indication of surprise, the guard muttered something to his companions. there was a startled ejaculation, a curious glance at the captives, and then--silence. the guards filed silently away, and, a little later, could be seen going in the king's big hut. "by jove, tom!" cried ned. "you touched 'em that time. there's something up, as sure as you're born!" "i believe so myself," agreed the young inventor. "and now to throw a real scare into these giants," he added, as he went to a distant room of the hut where he had hidden some of the things he had taken from his "box of tricks," as ned dubbed it. "bless my necktie!" cried mr. damon. "what's up now, tom." "i'm going to show these giants that they'd better make friends with us soon, or we may blow their whole town sky-high!" cried tom. "i'm going to use some of the blasting powder--just a pinch, so to speak--and knock an empty hut into slivers. i think that will impress these fellows. if i can only--" "look, tom!" suddenly cried ned. "the king's two brothers are coming here. something's up. he's sent some of the family to interview us. get ready to receive them." "couldn't be better!" cried the young inventor. "i've been waiting for this. now i'll give them a surprise party." the two big brothers of the king, for such tom and his friends had recently learned was the relationship the giants on either side of the "throne" bore to the ruler, were indeed headed toward the hut of the captives. they came alone, in their royal garments of jaguar skins, and, standing about the palace hut, could be seen the giant guards who had doubtless carried the news of the question tom had asked. "come on, ned, we've got to get busy!" exclaimed tom. "connect the electric battery, and get that magnet in shape. i'm going to make a fuse for this blasting powder bomb, and if i can get those royal brothers to plant it for me, there'll be some high jinks soon." tom busied himself in making an improvised bomb, while ned attended to the electrical attachments, and mr. damon and eradicate acted as general assistants. the two giant brothers entered the hut and greeted tom and the others calmly. then they explained that the king had sent them to investigate certain stories told by the guard. "i'll show you!" exclaimed tom, and he induced them to take hold of the handles of the battery. the current was turned on full strength, and from the manner in which the royal brothers writhed and howled tom judged that the experiment was a success. "with all your strength you can not let go until i move my finger," the young inventor explained, and it was so. even the skeptical giants agreed on that. "now i shall show you that i am stronger than you!" exclaimed tom, and though the giants smiled incredulously so it was, for the magnet trick worked as well as before. there were murmurs of surprise from the two immense brothers, and they talked rapidly together. "i will now show you that i can call the lightning from the sky to do my bidding," went on tom. "is that possible to any of you giants?" "never! never! no man can do it!" cried tola and koku together. "then watch me!" invited tom. "is there an empty hut near here?" he asked. "one that it will do no harm to destroy?" tola pointed to one visible from the window of the prison of our friends. "then take this little ball, with the string attached to it, and place it in the hut," went on tom. "then flee for your lives, for standing from here, i shall call the lightning down, and you shall see the hut destroyed." "why don't you ask them something about jake poddington?" asked ned. "time enough for that after i've shown them what a little powder will do, when i attach electric wires to it and press a button," replied tom. "i've got that bomb fixed so it will go off by an electric fuse. if they'll only put it in the hut for me. i'd do it myself, only they won't let me go out." the brothers conferred for a moment and then, seeming to arrive at a decision, koku, who was slightly the larger, took the bomb, looked curiously at it, and walked with it toward the empty hut, the electric wire being reeled out behind him by tom. the bomb was left inside the frail structure, the two brothers hurried away, and, standing at a safe distance from the hut of the captives, as well as the one that tom had promised to destroy by lightning, they waved their hands to show that they were ready. "bless my admission ticket!" exclaimed mr. damon. "you've got quite an audience, tom." and so he had, for there was a crowd in the market square, another throng about the king's palace, while all about, hidden behind trees or huts, was nearly the whole population of the giant town. "that's what i want," said the young inventor. "it will be all the more impressive." "and there's the king himself!" exclaimed ned. "he's standing in the door of his royal hut." "better yet!" cried tom. "are those wires all connected, ned?" "yes," answered his chum, after a quick inspection. "then here she goes!" cried tom, as he pressed the button. instantly the hut, in which the bomb had been placed, arose in the air. the roof was lifted off, the sides spread out and there was a great flash of fire and a puff of smoke. then as the smoke cleared away ned cried out: "look, tom! look! you've blown a hole in the hut next to the one you destroyed!" "yes, and bless my check book!" exclaimed mr. damon, "some one is running out of it. a white man, tom! a white man!" "it's poddington! poor jake poddington. we've found him at last! this way, mr. poddington! this way! mr. preston sent us to rescue you!" cried tom. chapter xxi a royal conspiracy howls of terror, cries of anger, and a rushing to and fro on the part of the giants, followed the latest trick of tom swift to impress them with his power. but to all this the young inventor and his friends paid no attention. their eyes were fixed on the ragged figure of the white man who was rushing toward their hut as fast as his legs, manacled as they were, would let him. "come on! come on!" cried tom. "look out!" yelled ned. "some of the giants are after him, tom!" several of the big men, after their first fright, had recovered sufficiently to pursue the captive so strangely released by the explosion. "hand me an electric rifle, ned!" cried tom. "bless my shoe laces!" cried mr. damon. "you're not going to kill any of the giants; are you, tom?" "well, i'm not going to let them capture jake poddington again," was the quick answer, "but i guess if i stun a few of them with the electric bullets that will answer." poddington (for later the white captive did prove to be the missing circus man) ran on, and close behind him came two of the giants, taking long strides. tom aimed his electric rifle at the foremost and pulled the trigger. there was no sound, but the big man crumpled up and fell, rolling over and over. with a yell of rage his companion pressed on, but a moment later, he, too, went down, and then the others, who had started in pursuit of their recent captive, turned back. "i thought that would fix 'em," murmured tom gleefully. in another five seconds poddington was inside the hut, gasping from his run. he was very thin and pale, and the sudden exertion had been too much for him. "water--water!" he gasped, and mr. damon gave him some. he sank on one of the skin-covered benches, and his half-exhausted breath slowly came back to him. "boys," he gasped. "i don't know who you are, but thank heaven you came just in time. i couldn't have stood it much longer. i heard you yell something about preston. is it possible he sent you to find me?" "partly that and partly to get a giant," explained tom. "we didn't know you were in that hut, or we'd never have blown up the one next to it, though we suspected you might be held captive somewhere around here, from the queer way the giants acted when we asked about you." "and so you blew up that hut?" remarked the circus agent. "i thought it was struck by lightning. but it did me a good turn. i was chained to the wall of the hut next door, and your explosion split the beam to which my chains were fastened. i didn't lose any time running out, i can tell you. oh, but it's good to be free once more and to see someone my own size!" "how did you get here, and why did they keep you a prisoner?" asked tom. then poddington told his story, while ned and mr. damon aided tom in filing off the rude iron shackles from his wrists and ankles. as mr. preston had heard, jake poddington had started for giant land. but he lost his way, his escort of natives deserted him, just as tom's did, and he wandered on in the jungle, nearly dying. then, merely by accident, he came upon giant land, but he had the misfortune to incur the anger of the big men who took him for an enemy. they at once made him a prisoner, and had kept him so ever since, though they did not harm him otherwise, and gave him good food. "i think they were a bit afraid of me in spite of my small size," explained the circus man. "i never thought to be rescued, for, though i figured that mr. preston might hear of my plight, he could never find this place. how did you get here?" then tom told his story, and of how they themselves were held captives because of the treachery of hank delby. "that's just like him!" cried poddington. "he was always mean, and always trying to get the advantage of his rivals. but i'm glad i'm with you. with what stuff you have here it oughtn't to be difficult to get away from giant land." "but i want a giant," insisted tom. "i told mr. preston i'd bring him back one, and i'm going to do it." "you can't!" cried the circus man. "they won't come with you, and it's almost impossible to make a prisoner of one. you'd better escape. i want to get away from giant land. i've had enough." "we'll get away," said tom confidently, "and we'll have a giant or two when we go." "you'll have some before you go i guess!" suddenly interrupted ned. "there's a whole crowd of 'em headed this way, and they've got clubs, bows and arrows and those blow guns! i guess they're going to besiege us." "all right!" cried tom. "if they want to fight we can give 'em as good as they send. ned, you and mr. damon and i will handle the electric rifles. eradicate, use your shotgun, and fire high. we don't want to hurt any of the big men. we'll merely stun them with the electric bullets, but the noise of rad's gun will help some." "what can i do?" asked mr. poddington. "you're too weak to do much," replied tom. "you just keep on the lookout, and tell us if they try any surprises. i guess we can handle 'em all right." with shouts and yells the big men came on. evidently their indifference toward their captives had turned to anger because of the freeing of poddington, and now they were determined to use harsh measures. they advanced with wild yells, brandishing their clubs and other weapons, while the weird sound of the tom-toms and natives drums added to the din. when a short distance from the hut the giants stopped, and began firing arrows and darts from the blow guns. "look out for those!" warned tom. "they probably are poisoned, and a scratch may mean death. give 'em a few shots now, ned and mr. damon! rad, give 'em a salute, but fire high!" "dat's what i will, massa tom!" the gun of the colored man barked out a noisy welcome, and, at the same time three giants fell, stunned by the electric bullets, for the rifles were adjusted to send out only mild charges. thrice they charged, and each time they were driven back, and then, finding that the captives were ever ready for them, they gave up the attempt to overwhelm them, and hurried away, many going into the king's hut. his royal majesty did not show himself during the fight. "well, i guess they won't try that right away again," remarked tom, as he saw the stunned giants slowly arouse themselves and crawl away. "we've taught them a lesson." they felt better after that, and then, when they had eaten and drank, they began to consider ways and means of escape. but tom would not hear of going until he could get at least one giant for the circus. "but you can't!" insisted mr. poddington. "well, it's too soon to give up yet," declared tom. "i'd like to take the king's two brothers with me." "by jove!" exclaimed mr. poddington, "i never thought of that. there is just a bare chance. did you know that the two brothers, who are twins, dislike the king, for he is younger than they, and he practically took the throne away from them. they should rule jointly by rights. if we could enlist tola and koku on our side we might win out yet." "then we'll try!" exclaimed tom. jake poddington, who had been a captive in the giant city long enough to know something of its history, and had learned to talk the language, explained how kosk had usurped the throne. his brothers were subject to him, he said, but several times they had tried in vain to start a revolution. to punish them for their rebellious efforts the king made them his personal servants, and this explained why he sent them to see the tricks tom performed. "if we could only get into communication with the big twins," went on the circus man, "we could offer to take them with us to a country where they would be bigger kings than their brother is here. it's a royal conspiracy worth trying." "then we'll try it!" cried tom enthusiastically. chapter xxii the twin giants daring indeed was the scheme decided on by the captives, and yet its very boldness might make it possible for them to carry it out. the king would never suspect them of plotting to carry off his two royal brothers, and this made it all the easier to lay their plans. in this they were much helped by poddington, who knew the language and who had made a few friends among the more humble people of the village, though none dared assist him openly. "the first thing to do," said the circus man, "is to get into communication with the twins." that proved harder than they expected, for a week passed, and they did not have a glimpse of tola and koku. meanwhile the giant guard was still maintained about the hut night and day. no more food was given the prisoners, and they would have starved had not tom possessed a good supply of his own provisions. it was evidently the intention of the king to starve his captives into submission. "suppose you do get those big brothers to accompany you, tom?" asked ned one day. "how are you going to manage to get away, and take them with you?" "my aeroplane!" answered tom quickly. "i've got it all planned out. you and i with mr. damon, mr. poddington and eradicate will skip away in the aeroplane. we can put it together in here, and i've got enough gasolene to run it a couple of hundred miles if necessary." "but the giants--you can't carry them in it." "no, and i'm not going to try. if they'll agree to go they can set off through the woods afoot. we'll meet them in a certain place--where there's a good land mark which we can easily distinguish from the aeroplane. we'll take what stuff we can with us, and leave the rest here. oh, it can be done, ned." "but when you start out with the aeroplane they'll make a rush and overwhelm us." "no, for i'll do it so quickly that they won't have a chance. i'm going to saw through the beams of one side of this hut. to the rear there is level ground that will make a fine starting place. when everything is ready, say some night, we'll pull the side wall down, start the aeroplane out as it falls, and sail away. then we'll pick up the giant brothers out in the woods, and travel to civilization again." "by jove! i believe that will work!" cried the circus man. "bless my corn plaster, i think so myself!" added mr. damon. "but first we've got to get the brothers to agree," went on tom, "and that is going to be hard work." it was not so difficult as it was tedious. through an aged woman, with whom he had made friends when a captive, jake poddington managed to get word to the royal twins that he and the other captives would like to see them privately. then they had to wait for an answer. in the meanwhile the giants tried several times to surprise tom and his friends by attacks, but the captives were on the alert, and the electric rifles drove them back. one night nearly all the guards were observed to be absent. there were not more than half a dozen scattered about the hut. "i wonder what that means?" asked tom, who was puzzled. "i know!" exclaimed jake poddington after a moment's thought. "it's their big annual feast. even the king goes to it. they were just getting over it when i struck here last year, and maybe that's what set them so against me. boys, this may be our chance!" "how?" asked ned. "the king's brothers may find an opportunity to come and talk to us when the feast is at its height," was the reply. anxiously they waited, and in order that the royal brothers might come in unobserved, if they did conclude to speak to the captives, tom and his companions hung some pieces of canvas over the windows and doors, and had only a single light burning. it was at midnight that a cautious knock sounded at the side of the hut and tom glided to the main door. in the shadows he saw the two royal brothers, tola and koku. "here they are!" whispered tom to jake poddington, who came forward. "come!" invited the circus man in the giants' tongue, and the brothers entered the hut. how jake persuaded them to throw in their fortunes with the captives the circus man hardly knew himself. perhaps it was due as much as anything to the dislike they felt toward the king, and the mean way he had treated them. "come, and you will be kings among the small men in our country," invited poddington. the brothers looked at each other, talked together in low tones, and then koku exclaimed: "we will come, and we will help you to escape. we have spoken, and we will talk with you again." then they glided out into the darkness, while from afar came the sounds of revelry at the big feast. chapter xxiii a surprise in the night tom and his friends could scarcely believe their good fortune. it seemed incredible that they should have induced two of the biggest giants to accompany them back, and, not only that, but that they had the promise of the strong men to aid them. "now we must get busy," declared tom, when their visitors had gone. "we've got lots of work to do on the aeroplane, and we must try out the engine. then we've got to fix the side of the hut so it will fall out when we're ready for it. and we've got to plan how to meet the giants later in the forest." "yes," agreed the circus man, "and we must take care that hank delby doesn't spoil our plans." then ensued busy days. in the seclusion of their hut the prisoners could work undisturbed at the aeroplane, which had been almost assembled. the engine was installed and tried, and, when the motor began its thundering explosions, there was consternation among the giants, who had again surrounded the hut to see that the prisoners did not escape. meanwhile delby seemed to be unusually active. he could be observed going in and out from his hut to that of the king, and he often carried large bundles. "he's making himself solid with his royal highness," declared tom. "well, if all goes right, we won't have to worry much longer about what he does." "if only those twin giants don't fail us," put in ned. "oh, you can depend on them," said mr. poddington. "these giants are curious creatures, but once they give their word they stick to it." he told much about the strange big men, confirming tom's theory that favorable natural conditions, for a number of generations, had caused ordinary south american natives to develope into such large specimens. our friends were under quite a nervous tension, for they could not be sure of what would happen from day to day. they continued to work on the aeroplane, and then, finding that it would work in the seclusion of the hut, they were anxious for the time to come when they could try it in the open. "do you think it will carry the five of us with safety?" asked the circus man, as he gazed rather dubiously at the somewhat frail-appearing affair. "sure!" exclaimed tom. "we'll get away all right if i can get enough of a start. now we must see to opening the side of the hut." this work had to be done cautiously, yet the prisoners had a certain freedom, for the guards were afraid to approach too closely. the supporting and cross beams were sawed through, for tom had brought a number of carpenter tools along with him. then, in the silence of the night, the two royal brothers brought other beams that could be put in place temporarily to hold up the roof when the others were pulled out to allow the aeroplane to rush forth. in due time all was in readiness for the attempt to escape. the royal twins had agreed to slip off at a certain signal, and await tom and his party in the forest at the foot of a very large hill, that was a landmark for miles around. the giants could travel fast, but not as fast as the aeroplane, so it was planned that they were to have a day and night's start. they would take along food, and would arrange to have a number of tom's mules hidden in the woods, so that our hero and his friends would have means of transportation back to the coast, after they had ended their flight in the airship. "i wish we had brought along the larger one, so we could take the giants with us," said tom, "but i guess they're strong enough to walk to the coast. we'll take what provisions we can carry, our electric rifles, and the rest of the things we'll leave here for the king, though he doesn't deserve them." "what do you think delby will do?" asked ned. "give it up. he's got some plan though. i only hope he doesn't get a giant. then ours will be a greater attraction." several days passed, and the last of the preparations had been made. "the giant twins will pretend to go off on a hunting trip to-morrow morning," said the circus man one night, "but they won't come back. they'll wait for us at the big hill." "then we must escape the following morning," decided tom. "well, i'm ready for it." from their hut, surrounded as it was still by the giant guards, our friends watched the royal brothers start off, seemingly on a hunting expedition. the day passed slowly. tom went carefully over the aeroplane, to see that it was in shape for a quick flight, and he looked to the wall of the hut--the wall that was to be pulled from place to afford egress for the air craft. they went to bed early that night--the night they hoped would be their last in giant land. it must have been about midnight when tom suddenly awoke. he thought he heard a noise outside the hut and in a moment he had jumped up. "repel boarders!" cried tom. chapter xxiv the airship flight for a few moments there was confusion inside the hut that was to be the last stronghold of our friends against the approaching force of giants. confusion and not a little fear were mingled, for tom's words sent a chill to every heart. then, after the first panic, there came a calmer feeling--a feeling that each one would do his duty in the face of danger and, if he had to die, he would die fighting. "everyone take a window!" yelled tom. "don't kill any one if you can help it. shoot to disable, rad. mr. poddington, there's an extra shotgun somewhere about! see if you can find it. we'll use the electric rifles. get those roman candles somebody!" tom was like a general giving orders, and once his friends realized that he was managing things they felt more confidence. ned grasped his electric rifle, as did mr. damon, and they stood ready to use them. "the strongest stunning charge!" ordered the young inventor. "something that will lay 'em out for a good while. we'll teach 'em a lesson!" bang! that was eradicate's shotgun going off. it had a double load in it, and the wonder of it was that the barrel did not burst. it sounded like a small cannon, but it had the good effect of checking the first rush of giants, for the electric rifles had not yet been adjusted, and mr. poddington, in the light of the single electric torch that had been left burning, could find neither the spare shotgun nor the roman candles. bang! eradicate let the other barrel go, almost in the faces of the advancing giants, but over their heads, for he bore in mind tom's words not to injure. "that's the stuff!" cried tom. "come on now, ned, we're ready for 'em!" but the giants had retreated, and could be seen standing in groups about the hut, evidently planning what to do next. then from back in the village there shone a glare of light. "bless my insurance policy! it's a fire!" cried mr. damon. "they're going to burn us out!" "jove! if they do!" exclaimed ned. "we mustn't let 'em!" shouted tom. "fire, ned!" together the chums discharged their electric rifles at the enemy and a number of them fell, stunned, and were carried away by their companions. the glaring light approached and now it could be seen that it was caused by a number of the big men carrying torches of some kind of blazing wood. it did look as though they intended to fire the prison hut. "give 'em another taste of it!" shouted ned, and this time the three electric rifles shot out their streaks of blue flame, for mr. damon had his in action. it was still dark in the hut, for to set aglow more of the electric torches meant that tom and his friends would be exposed to view, and would be the targets for the arrows, or darts from the deadly blow guns. several more of the giants toppled over, and then began a retreat to some distance, the first squad of fighters going to meet the men who had come up with the torches. there was no sign of women or children. "shall we fire again?" asked ned. "no," answered tom. "save your ammunition until they are closer, and we'll be surer of our marks. besides, if they let us alone that's all we ask. we don't want to hurt 'em." "bless my gizzard!" exclaimed mr. damon. "i wonder why they attacked us, anyhow?" "maybe it's about the two giant brothers who have not come back," suggested mr. poddington. "they may imagine that we have them captive, and they want to rescue them." "that's so," admitted tom. "well, if they had only postponed this reception for a few hours we'd have been out of their way, and they wouldn't have had this trouble," and he glanced at the aeroplane, that stood in the big hut, ready for instant flight. "they're coming back!" suddenly shouted ned, and a look from the half-opened windows showed the giants again advancing. "i've got the roman candles!" called mr. poddington from a corner where he had been rummaging in that box of tom's which contained so many surprises. "what shall i do with 'em?" "let 'em go right in their faces!" yelled tom. "they won't do much damage, but they'll throw a scare into the big fellows! get ready, ned!" "they're dividing!" shouted his chum. "they're coming at us from two sides!" "they're only trying to confuse us," decided tom. "fire at the main body!" and with that he opened up with his electric rifle, an example followed by mr. damon and ned. with a whizz, and several sharp explosions, the circus man got the roman candles into action. the glaring fire of them lighted up the scene better than did the flaming torches of the giants, and truly it was a wonderful sight. there, in that lonely hut, in the midst of a south american jungle, four intrepid white persons, and an aged but brave negro, stood against hundreds of giants--mighty men, who, had they come to a personal contact, any one of which would have been more than a match for the combined strength of tom and his party. it was a weird picture that the young inventor looked out upon, but his heart did not quail. giant after giant went down under the fierce rain of the electric bullets, stunned, but not otherwise injured. there was a shower of sparks, and a hail of burning balls from the roman candles, but still the advance was kept up. eradicate was banging away with his shotgun. "dis suah am hot work!" cried the colored man, as his hand came in contact with the barrel. "wow! it's most red hot!" he added with a cry of pain. "use the other gun," advised tom, never turning his head from the window through which he was aiming. "that one may get choked, and explode in here." "all right," answered eradicate. "duck!" yelled ned with sudden energy. "they're going to fire!" a number of the giants could be seen fitting arrows to bow strings, while others raised to their lips the long hollow reeds, from which the blow guns were made. it was the first time the enemy had fired and doubtless they had held back because they hoped to capture tom and his friends alive. but they did not count on such a stubborn resistance. every one moved away from the windows, and not an instant too soon, for, a moment later, a shower of arrows and darts came in, fortunately injuring no one. then, above the shouting and yelling of the giants, whose deep, bass voices had a terrorizing effect, there came the din of the tom-toms, making a weird combination of sound. "we've got 'em on the run again!" cried ned, and so it proved, for the larger body of giants, who had approached the hut from the front and two sides, were running back. "guess they've given it up," exclaimed tom. "i'm glad of it, too, for--" he paused and glanced behind him. a tiny spurt of flame at the base of the rear wall of the hut had caught his eye. instantly the flame grew larger, and a puff of smoke followed. "fire!" cried ned. "we're on fire!" "bless my water bucket!" gasped mr. damon. "they've set fire to the hut!" it was but too true. while tom and the others had been standing off the giants in front, a smaller force had crept around to the rear, and set the inflamable side of the hut ablaze. desperately tom looked around. there was no means at hand of fighting fire. hardly a bucket of water was in the place, and the structure was filled with quick-burning stuff, while the fireworks that remained, and the blasting powder, made it doubly dangerous. then tom's eyes lighted on the big aeroplane, ready for instant service. "that's it!" he cried suddenly. "it's our only hope, and the last one! come on, everybody! down with that wall! pull on the ropes and it will come! we've got to go now. in another minute it will be too late. climb up, mr. poddington, mr. damon, ned, and i will start the machine." "the wall first! the wall!" cried ned. "sure," answered tom. he and his friends grasped the two ropes that had been attached to the key-beams in the structure. it had been so arranged that when the supports were pulled out the wall would fall outward, making a fairly smooth and level gangplank, on which the aeroplane could rush from the hut. there was a creaking of timbers, a straining of ropes, and then, with a crash, the wall fell. instantly there was a yell of surprise from the giants, and a brighter glare from the torches, as those carrying them rushed up to see what had happened. the din of the tom-toms was well-nigh deafening. fortunately the enemy forgot to take advantage of the opening and pour in a flight of arrows or darts. "start the motor!" cried tom to his chum. there was a rattling, banging noise, like a salvo of small arms, and the big propellers revolved with incredible swiftness. the two white men were already in place, and now eradicate, still carrying his shotgun, clambered up. "up with you, ned!" yelled tom. "i'm going to head her around and make a flying start." chapter xxv tom's giant--conclusion "i don't see anything of them, do you?" "no, and yet this is the place where they said they'd meet us." it was tom who asked the question, and ned who answered it. it was the day after their sensational escape from the giants' prison, and they were circling about in the aeroplane which had been the means of getting them away from giant land. for they were safely away from that strange and terrible place, and they were now seeking the two giant brothers who had promised to meet them at a certain big hill. for an hour that night tom and his friends had traveled on the wings of the lark and when a rising moon showed them a level spot for a landing, they had gone down and made a camp. they had provisions with them, and plenty of blankets and it was so warm that more shelter was not necessary. the next day, leaving mr. damon, eradicate and the circus man in the temporary camp, tom and ned had gone aloft to see if they could pick up the giant twins, who were to meet them and have some mules ready for the journey back to civilization. "well, we're in no great hurry," went on tom, after vainly scanning the ground below. "they may not have traveled as fast as we thought they could, and the mules may have given trouble. we'll stick around here a day or so, and--" "look!" suddenly exclaimed ned. "didn't you see something moving then." "where?" "by that big dead tree." tom took a look through a pair of field glasses, while ned steered the aeroplane. then the young inventor cried: "it's all right. it's one of the giants, but i can't tell which one. ned, i believe they're hiding because they're afraid of us. they've never seen an aeroplane in action before. i'm going down." quickly and gracefully the lark was volplaned to a level place near the dead tree. no one was in sight, and tom, after looking about, called: "tola! koku! where are you? it is i, tom swift! we have escaped! where are you? don't be afraid!" there was a moment's silence, and then two big forms rushed from the dense bushes, one of them--koku--advancing to tom, and catching him up in what was meant for a loving hug. "oh, i say now, koku!" cried the young inventor, with a laugh. "i've got ribs, you know. easy on that squeeze!" the two giant twins laughed too, and they were immensely pleased to see their friends again, both talking at once and so fast that not even the circus man could catch what they said. "have you got the mules?" asked tom, for he knew that much depended on the animals. "is everything all right?" "all right," answered koku, the talk being conducted in the language of the giants of which tom was now fairly a master when it was spoken slowly. then the brothers explained that they had gotten safely away, had gathered up the mules, and with a supply of food, had hidden the beasts in a nearby valley. the giant twins were waiting for tom to arrive, but, though they had seen the aeroplanes in the hut they had no idea that it could fly so nearly like a bird, and when they saw it hovering over them they had become frightened, and hidden, until tom's voice had reassured them. "well, get the animals," advised tom, after he had told of the fight of the night before, and the escape. "i'll go find the others and we'll start from here. then we'll hike for the united states as fast as we can." mr. damon, eradicate and the circus man were soon brought to the place where the giant brothers had made their camp, and it was decided to remain there a few days until the aeroplane could be taken apart for transportation, for tom had no idea of abandoning it. of course it could not be packed up very well, as there were no boxes or bales at hand. but it was made small enough so that the parts could be slung across the backs of several mules, there being a number of the pack animals available, some being the same ones tom had purchased after his native escort had deserted him. it was the morning they had decided to begin their march for the coast. everything was in readiness, they had some food, and with the shotguns and the electric rifles which they had brought along, they could get game. all their other things, save a few necessaries, had been left behind. eradicate, as he had always done, rode his mule up beside tom, to look after his young master. suddenly koku, who seemed to have become very fond of tom, strode forward and took his place on the other side of the mule ridden by the young inventor. "me stay by you," he said with a grin on his big face. "me like you! me take care of you, tom--be your servant. him too old," and he motioned to eradicate. "eh! what's dat yo' done said?" gasped the colored man. "me too old? looky heah, giant man, i'd hab yo' know dat i's been in de swift fambly a good many years, an' i's jest as spry as i eber was. i kin look after massa tom as good as eber. now yo' git back where yo' belongs, giant man, an' doan't let me heah no mo' ob dat foolishness talk. nobody waits on massa tom swift but me. does yo' heah dat, giant man?" "me tom's man!" exclaimed the big fellow, and in fairly good english. tom laughed. he had no idea the giant had picked up any words. "go on away!" cried eradicate. koku gave the colored man one look, then, with a good natured grin on his face, he reached over one hand, calmly lifted eradicate from his mule and set him on the ground. then, with a push, he shoved the mule galloping ahead, and took his place at the side of the young inventor. "well, what do you know about that?" gasped ned. "bless my coffee cup!" cried mr. damon. eradicate stood still for a moment, gazing first at his master and then at the big being who had so ruthlessly plucked him from the mule's back, as easily as he would have lifted a child. then eradicate, with a trace of tears in his eyes, stretched forth his hands toward tom, and turned aside. that was too much for our hero. with one leap he was off his animal, and the next minute he had his arms around the faithful old colored man. "by jove, rad!" cried tom, and his own eyes were not dry. "i'm not going to be deserted by you in that way. you're just the same as ever to me, giant or no giant, and don't you forget it!" and he patted the old man on the back affectionately. "praise de lord fo' heahin' yo' say dat, massa tom," gasped eradicate. "praise de dear lord!" and then, knowing that he still held a place in his young master's heart, the colored man was content. and from then on he rode on one side of tom, while the giant, koku, strode along on the other. he had established himself as tom's bodyguard and even though eradicate insisted on remaining, koku would not go away. "i guess i'll have to keep 'em both," said tom, with a grin, "but i'm going to change koku's name." "what are you going to call him?" asked ned. "let's see, what month is this?" "august," said mr. damon. "then august is his name!" exclaimed tom. "koku sounds too much like a cocoanut cake. here, august, shift that package on the white mule," he called, "it's cutting her back," and the giant, with a pleased grin, did as he was bid. and august he was called from then on. but my story is getting too long, so i must bring it to a close. and really there is not much to tell. the march back to the coast was full of hardships, danger and difficulties, but they accomplished it. the two giants seemed glad that they had left their own country behind and they were simple and affectionate beings. tom made up his mind he would let the circus man have one and keep the other for his personal attendant. they traveled by day, and slept at night, shooting game as they needed it. several times they narrowly escaped getting mixed up in the native conflicts. tom had one striking evidence of his giant servant's usefulness. one day he was stalking a small beast, like a deer, when, from a tree overhead, a jaguar sprang down at him. but koku--i beg his pardon--august was at hand, and, like sampson of old, the giant slew the beast bare-handed, choking it to death. in fine time our friends reached a native town and the wonder caused by the giants was no less than the amusement of the big men at the things they saw. they wondered more when they got to a city, and saw more marvels of the white man's progress. then tom and his friends reached the coast, and took a steamer for new york. the giants created a great sensation, the more when it was known that tom intended to keep one for himself. with this arrangement mr. preston agreed, for he only wanted one as an attraction. "couldn't have done it better myself!" the circus proprietor said to tom when he heard the story, and this was high praise from mr. preston. "and you rescued old jake, too! well, well! couldn't have done it better myself! i really couldn't!" "i wonder how our old enemy delby made out?" asked mr. poddington. they heard later that he was driven from giant land, not even being allowed to take a boy as a specimen. he had worked on the "tip" andy foger had given mr. waydell, but it failed. when tom escaped, the king confiscated all the things in the hut, and he was so taken up with the novelties that he paid no more attention to the circus agent, who had all his trouble, plotting and scheming against tom for his pains. "a giant in the house!" cried mrs. baggert, when tom got home with august. "i never heard of such a thing in all my life! where will he sleep? not a bed is big enough!" "we'll give him two beds then," laughed tom. and so they did, and august was immensely pleased with his new life. he proved to be very useful, and readily adapted himself to civilized ways. tola, the other giant, made a big sensation when exhibited, and mr. preston said he was well worth the fifteen thousand dollars he had cost. "well, tom, what next?" asked ned one day, when they had been home several weeks and had told their story over and over again. "no where!" exclaimed tom. "i'm going to take a long rest." but tom swift wasn't that kind of a young man, and he was soon active again. if you care to learn more of his doings you may do so in the next volume of this series, to be called, "tom swift and his electric camera; or thrilling adventures while taking moving pictures." and now, for a time, we will take leave of the young inventor and his new giant servant, to meet them again a little later. the end master francis rabelais five books of the lives, heroic deeds and sayings of gargantua and his son pantagruel book v. translated into english by sir thomas urquhart of cromarty and peter antony motteux the text of the first two books of rabelais has been reprinted from the first edition (1653) of urquhart's translation. footnotes initialled 'm.' are drawn from the maitland club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the translator. urquhart's translation of book iii. appeared posthumously in 1693, with a new edition of books i. and ii., under motteux's editorship. motteux's rendering of books iv. and v. followed in 1708. occasionally (as the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by motteux have been restored from the 1738 copy edited by ozell. the fifth book the author's prologue. indefatigable topers, and you, thrice precious martyrs of the smock, give me leave to put a serious question to your worships while you are idly striking your codpieces, and i myself not much better employed. pray, why is it that people say that men are not such sots nowadays as they were in the days of yore? sot is an old word that signifies a dunce, dullard, jolthead, gull, wittol, or noddy, one without guts in his brains, whose cockloft is unfurnished, and, in short, a fool. now would i know whether you would have us understand by this same saying, as indeed you logically may, that formerly men were fools and in this generation are grown wise? how many and what dispositions made them fools? how many and what dispositions were wanting to make 'em wise? why were they fools? how should they be wise? pray, how came you to know that men were formerly fools? how did you find that they are now wise? who the devil made 'em fools? who a god's name made 'em wise? who d'ye think are most, those that loved mankind foolish, or those that love it wise? how long has it been wise? how long otherwise? whence proceeded the foregoing folly? whence the following wisdom? why did the old folly end now, and no later? why did the modern wisdom begin now, and no sooner? what were we the worse for the former folly? what the better for the succeeding wisdom? how should the ancient folly be come to nothing? how should this same new wisdom be started up and established? now answer me, an't please you. i dare not adjure you in stronger terms, reverend sirs, lest i make your pious fatherly worships in the least uneasy. come, pluck up a good heart; speak the truth and shame the devil. be cheery, my lads; and if you are for me, take me off three or five bumpers of the best, while i make a halt at the first part of the sermon; then answer my question. if you are not for me, avaunt! avoid, satan! for i swear by my great-grandmother's placket (and that's a horrid oath), that if you don't help me to solve that puzzling problem, i will, nay, i already do repent having proposed it; for still i must remain nettled and gravelled, and a devil a bit i know how to get off. well, what say you? i'faith, i begin to smell you out. you are not yet disposed to give me an answer; nor i neither, by these whiskers. yet to give some light into the business, i'll e'en tell you what had been anciently foretold in the matter by a venerable doctor, who, being moved by the spirit in a prophetic vein, wrote a book ycleped the prelatical bagpipe. what d'ye think the old fornicator saith? hearken, you old noddies, hearken now or never. the jubilee's year, when all like fools were shorn, is about thirty supernumerary. o want of veneration! fools they seemed, but, persevering, with long breves, at last no more they shall be gaping greedy fools. for they shall shell the shrub's delicious fruit, whose flower they in the spring so much had feared. now you have it, what do you make on't? the seer is ancient, the style laconic, the sentences dark like those of scotus, though they treat of matters dark enough in themselves. the best commentators on that good father take the jubilee after the thirtieth to be the years that are included in this present age till 1550 (there being but one jubilee every fifty years). men shall no longer be thought fools next green peas season. the fools, whose number, as solomon certifies, is infinite, shall go to pot like a parcel of mad bedlamites as they are; and all manner of folly shall have an end, that being also numberless, according to avicenna, maniae infinitae sunt species. having been driven back and hidden towards the centre during the rigour of the winter, 'tis now to be seen on the surface, and buds out like the trees. this is as plain as a nose in a man's face; you know it by experience; you see it. and it was formerly found out by that great good man hippocrates, aphorism verae etenim maniae, &c. this world therefore wisifying itself, shall no longer dread the flower and blossoms of every coming spring, that is, as you may piously believe, bumper in hand and tears in eyes, in the woeful time of lent, which used to keep them company. whole cartloads of books that seemed florid, flourishing, and flowery, gay, and gaudy as so many butterflies, but in the main were tiresome, dull, soporiferous, irksome, mischievous, crabbed, knotty, puzzling, and dark as those of whining heraclitus, as unintelligible as the numbers of pythagoras, that king of the bean, according to horace; those books, i say, have seen their best days and shall soon come to nothing, being delivered to the executing worms and merciless petty chandlers; such was their destiny, and to this they were predestinated. in their stead beans in cod are started up; that is, these merry and fructifying pantagruelian books, so much sought nowadays in expectation of the following jubilee's period; to the study of which writings all people have given their minds, and accordingly have gained the name of wise. now i think i have fairly solved and resolved your problem; then reform, and be the better for it. hem once or twice like hearts of oak; stand to your pan-puddings, and take me off your bumpers, nine go-downs, and huzza! since we are like to have a good vintage, and misers hang themselves. oh! they will cost me an estate in hempen collars if fair weather hold. for i hereby promise to furnish them with twice as much as will do their business on free cost, as often as they will take the pains to dance at a rope's end providently to save charges, to the no small disappointment of the finisher of the law. now, my friends, that you may put in for a share of this new wisdom, and shake off the antiquated folly this very moment, scratch me out of your scrolls and quite discard the symbol of the old philosopher with the golden thigh, by which he has forbidden you to eat beans; for you may take it for a truth granted among all professors in the science of good eating, that he enjoined you not to taste of them only with the same kind intent that a certain fresh-water physician had when he did forbid to amer, late lord of camelotiere, kinsman to the lawyer of that name, the wing of the partridge, the rump of the chicken, and the neck of the pigeon, saying, ala mala, rumpum dubium, collum bonum, pelle remota. for the duncical dog-leech was so selfish as to reserve them for his own dainty chops, and allowed his poor patients little more than the bare bones to pick, lest they should overload their squeamish stomachs. to the heathen philosopher succeeded a pack of capuchins, monks who forbid us the use of beans, that is, pantagruelian books. they seem to follow the example of philoxenus and gnatho, one of whom was a sicilian of fulsome memory, the ancient master-builders of their monastic cram-gut voluptuousness, who, when some dainty bit was served up at a feast, filthily used to spit on it, that none but their nasty selves might have the stomach to eat of it, though their liquorish chops watered never so much after it. so those hideous, snotty, phthisicky, eaves-dropping, musty, moving forms of mortification, both in public and private, curse those dainty books, and like toads spit their venom upon them. now, though we have in our mother-tongue several excellent works in verse and prose, and, heaven be praised! but little left of the trash and trumpery stuff of those duncical mumblers of ave-maries and the barbarous foregoing gothic age, i have made bold to choose to chirrup and warble my plain ditty, or, as they say, to whistle like a goose among the swans, rather than be thought deaf among so many pretty poets and eloquent orators. and thus i am prouder of acting the clown, or any other under-part, among the many ingenious actors in that noble play, than of herding among those mutes, who, like so many shadows and ciphers, only serve to fill up the house and make up a number, gaping and yawning at the flies, and pricking up their lugs, like so many arcadian asses, at the striking up of the music; thus silently giving to understand that their fopships are tickled in the right place. having taken this resolution, i thought it would not be amiss to move my diogenical tub, that you might not accuse me of living without example. i see a swarm of our modern poets and orators, your colinets, marots, drouets, saint gelais, salels, masuels, and many more, who, having commenced masters in apollo's academy on mount parnassus, and drunk brimmers at the caballin fountain among the nine merry muses, have raised our vulgar tongue, and made it a noble and everlasting structure. their works are all parian marble, alabaster, porphyry, and royal cement; they treat of nothing but heroic deeds, mighty things, grave and difficult matters, and this in a crimson, alamode, rhetorical style. their writings are all divine nectar, rich, racy, sparkling, delicate, and luscious wine. nor does our sex wholly engross this honour; ladies have had their share of the glory; one of them, of the royal blood of france, whom it were a profanation but to name here, surprises the age at once by the transcendent and inventive genius in her writings and the admirable graces of her style. imitate those great examples if you can; for my part i cannot. everyone, you know, cannot go to corinth. when solomon built the temple, all could not give gold by handfuls. since then 'tis not in my power to improve our architecture as much as they, i am e'en resolved to do like renault of montauban: i'll wait on the masons, set on the pot for the masons, cook for the stone-cutters; and since it was not my good luck to be cut out for one of them, i will live and die the admirer of their divine writings. as for you, little envious prigs, snarling bastards, puny critics, you'll soon have railed your last; go hang yourselves, and choose you out some well-spread oak, under whose shade you may swing in state, to the admiration of the gaping mob; you shall never want rope enough. while i here solemnly protest before my helicon, in the presence of my nine mistresses the muses, that if i live yet the age of a dog, eked out with that of three crows, sound wind and limbs, like the old hebrew captain moses, xenophilus the musician, and demonax the philosopher, by arguments no ways impertinent, and reasons not to be disputed, i will prove, in the teeth of a parcel of brokers and retailers of ancient rhapsodies and such mouldy trash, that our vulgar tongue is not so mean, silly, inept, poor, barren, and contemptible as they pretend. nor ought i to be afraid of i know not what botchers of old threadbare stuff, a hundred and a hundred times clouted up and pieced together; wretched bunglers that can do nothing but new-vamp old rusty saws; beggarly scavengers that rake even the muddiest canals of antiquity for scraps and bits of latin as insignificant as they are often uncertain. beseeching our grandees of witland that, as when formerly apollo had distributed all the treasures of his poetical exchequer to his favourites, little hulchbacked aesop got for himself the office of apologue-monger; in the same manner, since i do not aspire higher, they would not deny me that of puny rhyparographer, or riffraff follower of the sect of pyreicus. i dare swear they will grant me this; for they are all so kind, so good-natured, and so generous, that they'll ne'er boggle at so small a request. therefore, both dry and hungry souls, pot and trenchermen, fully enjoying those books, perusing, quoting them in their merry conventicles, and observing the great mysteries of which they treat, shall gain a singular profit and fame; as in the like case was done by alexander the great with the books of prime philosophy composed by aristotle. o rare! belly on belly! what swillers, what twisters will there be! then be sure all you that take care not to die of the pip, be sure, i say, you take my advice, and stock yourselves with good store of such books as soon as you meet with them at the booksellers; and do not only shell those beans, but e'en swallow them down like an opiate cordial, and let them be in you; i say, let them be within you; then you shall find, my beloved, what good they do to all clever shellers of beans. here is a good handsome basketful of them, which i here lay before your worships; they were gathered in the very individual garden whence the former came. so i beseech you, reverend sirs, with as much respect as was ever paid by dedicating author, to accept of the gift, in hopes of somewhat better against next visit the swallows give us. the fifth book. chapter 5.i. how pantagruel arrived at the ringing island, and of the noise that we heard. pursuing our voyage, we sailed three days without discovering anything; on the fourth we made land. our pilot told us that it was the ringing island, and indeed we heard a kind of a confused and often repeated noise, that seemed to us at a great distance not unlike the sound of great, middle-sized, and little bells rung all at once, as 'tis customary at paris, tours, gergeau, nantes, and elsewhere on high holidays; and the nearer we came to the land the louder we heard that jangling. some of us doubted that it was the dodonian kettle, or the portico called heptaphone in olympia, or the eternal humming of the colossus raised on memnon's tomb in thebes of egypt, or the horrid din that used formerly to be heard about a tomb at lipara, one of the aeolian islands. but this did not square with chorography. i do not know, said pantagruel, but that some swarms of bees hereabouts may be taking a ramble in the air, and so the neighbourhood make this dingle-dangle with pans, kettles, and basins, the corybantine cymbals of cybele, grandmother of the gods, to call them back. let's hearken. when we were nearer, among the everlasting ringing of these indefatigable bells we heard the singing, as we thought, of some men. for this reason, before we offered to land on the ringing island, pantagruel was of opinion that we should go in the pinnace to a small rock, near which we discovered an hermitage and a little garden. there we found a diminutive old hermit, whose name was braguibus, born at glenay. he gave us a full account of all the jangling, and regaled us after a strange sort of fashion--four livelong days did he make us fast, assuring us that we should not be admitted into the ringing island otherwise, because it was then one of the four fasting, or ember weeks. as i love my belly, quoth panurge, i by no means understand this riddle. methinks this should rather be one of the four windy weeks; for while we fast we are only puffed up with wind. pray now, good father hermit, have not you here some other pastime besides fasting? methinks it is somewhat of the leanest; we might well enough be without so many palace holidays and those fasting times of yours. in my donatus, quoth friar john, i could find yet but three times or tenses, the preterit, the present, and the future; doubtless here the fourth ought to be a work of supererogation. that time or tense, said epistemon, is aorist, derived from the preter-imperfect tense of the greeks, admitted in war (?) and odd cases. patience perforce is a remedy for a mad dog. saith the hermit: it is, as i told you, fatal to go against this; whosoever does it is a rank heretic, and wants nothing but fire and faggot, that's certain. to deal plainly with you, my dear pater, cried panurge, being at sea, i much more fear being wet than being warm, and being drowned than being burned. well, however, let us fast, a god's name; yet i have fasted so long that it has quite undermined my flesh, and i fear that at last the bastions of this bodily fort of mine will fall to ruin. besides, i am much more afraid of vexing you in this same trade of fasting; for the devil a bit i understand anything in it, and it becomes me very scurvily, as several people have told me, and i am apt to believe them. for my part, i have no great stomach to fasting; for alas! it is as easy as pissing a bed, and a trade of which anybody may set up; there needs no tools. i am much more inclined not to fast for the future; for to do so there is some stock required, and some tools are set a-work. no matter, since you are so steadfast, and would have us fast, let us fast as fast as we can, and then breakfast in the name of famine. now we are come to these esurial idle days. i vow i had quite put them out of my head long ago. if we must fast, said pantagruel, i see no other remedy but to get rid of it as soon as we can, as we would out of a bad way. i'll in that space of time somewhat look over my papers, and examine whether the marine study be as good as ours at land. for plato, to describe a silly, raw, ignorant fellow, compares him to those that are bred on shipboard, as we would do one bred up in a barrel, who never saw anything but through the bung-hole. to tell you the short and the long of the matter, our fasting was most hideous and terrible; for the first day we fasted on fisticuffs, the second at cudgels, the third at sharps, and the fourth at blood and wounds: such was the order of the fairies. chapter 5.ii. how the ringing island had been inhabited by the siticines, who were become birds. having fasted as aforesaid, the hermit gave us a letter for one whom he called albian camar, master aedituus of the ringing island; but panurge greeting him called him master antitus. he was a little queer old fellow, bald-pated, with a snout whereat you might easily have lighted a card-match, and a phiz as red as a cardinal's cap. he made us all very welcome, upon the hermit's recommendation, hearing that we had fasted, as i have told you. when we had well stuffed our puddings, he gave us an account of what was remarkable in the island, affirming that it had been at first inhabited by the siticines; but that, according to the course of nature--as all things, you know, are subject to change--they were become birds. there i had a full account of all that atteius capito, paulus, marcellus, a. gellius, athenaeus, suidas, ammonius, and others had writ of the siticines and sicinnists; and then we thought we might as easily believe the transmutations of nectymene, progne, itys, alcyone, antigone, tereus, and other birds. nor did we think it more reasonable to doubt of the transmogrification of the macrobian children into swans, or that of the men of pallene in thrace into birds, as soon as they had bathed themselves in the tritonic lake. after this the devil a word could we get out of him but of birds and cages. the cages were spacious, costly, magnificent, and of an admirable architecture. the birds were large, fine, and neat accordingly, looking as like the men in my country as one pea does like another; for they ate and drank like men, muted like men, endued or digested like men, farted like men, but stunk like devils; slept, billed, and trod their females like men, but somewhat oftener: in short, had you seen and examined them from top to toe, you would have laid your head to a turnip that they had been mere men. however, they were nothing less, as master aedituus told us; assuring us, at the same time, that they were neither secular nor laic; and the truth is, the diversity of their feathers and plumes did not a little puzzle us. some of them were all over as white as swans, others as black as crows, many as grey as owls, others black and white like magpies, some all red like red-birds, and others purple and white like some pigeons. he called the males clerg-hawks, monk-hawks, priest-hawks, abbot-hawks, bish-hawks, cardin-hawks, and one pope-hawk, who is a species by himself. he called the females clerg-kites, nun-kites, priest-kites, abbess-kites, bish-kites, cardin-kites, and pope-kites. however, said he, as hornets and drones will get among the bees, and there do nothing but buzz, eat, and spoil everything; so, for these last three hundred years, a vast swarm of bigottelloes flocked, i do not know how, among these goodly birds every fifth full moon, and have bemuted, berayed, and conskited the whole island. they are so hard-favoured and monstrous that none can abide them. for their wry necks make a figure like a crooked billet; their paws are hairy, like those of rough-footed pigeons; their claws and pounces, belly and breech, like those of the stymphalid harpies. nor is it possible to root them out, for if you get rid of one, straight four-and-twenty new ones fly thither. there had been need of another monster-hunter such as was hercules; for friar john had like to have run distracted about it, so much he was nettled and puzzled in the matter. as for the good pantagruel, he was even served as was messer priapus, contemplating the sacrifices of ceres, for want of skin. chapter 5.iii. how there is but one pope-hawk in the ringing island. we then asked master aedituus why there was but one pope-hawk among such venerable birds multiplied in all their species. he answered that such was the first institution and fatal destiny of the stars that the clerg-hawks begot the priest-hawks and monk-hawks without carnal copulation, as some bees are born of a young bull; the priest-hawks begat the bish-hawks, the bish-hawks the stately cardin-hawks, and the stately cardin-hawks, if they live long enough, at last come to be pope-hawk. of this last kind there never is more than one at a time, as in a beehive there is but one king, and in the world is but one sun. when the pope-hawk dies, another arises in his stead out of the whole brood of cardin-hawks, that is, as you must understand it all along, without carnal copulation. so that there is in that species an individual unity, with a perpetuity of succession, neither more or less than in the arabian phoenix. 'tis true that, about two thousand seven hundred and sixty moons ago, two pope-hawks were seen upon the face of the earth; but then you never saw in your lives such a woeful rout and hurly-burly as was all over this island. for all these same birds did so peck, clapperclaw, and maul one another all that time, that there was the devil and all to do, and the island was in a fair way of being left without inhabitants. some stood up for this pope-hawk, some for t'other. some, struck with a dumbness, were as mute as so many fishes; the devil a note was to be got out of them; part of the merry bells here were as silent as if they had lost their tongues, i mean their clappers. during these troublesome times they called to their assistance the emperors, kings, dukes, earls, barons, and commonwealths of the world that live on t'other side the water; nor was this schism and sedition at an end till one of them died, and the plurality was reduced to a unity. we then asked what moved those birds to be thus continually chanting and singing. he answered that it was the bells that hung on the top of their cages. then he said to us, will you have me make these monk-hawks whom you see bardocuculated with a bag such as you use to still brandy, sing like any woodlarks? pray do, said we. he then gave half-a-dozen pulls to a little rope, which caused a diminutive bell to give so many ting-tangs; and presently a parcel of monk-hawks ran to him as if the devil had drove 'em, and fell a-singing like mad. pray, master, cried panurge, if i also rang this bell could i make those other birds yonder, with red-herring-coloured feathers, sing? ay, marry would you, returned aedituus. with this panurge hanged himself (by the hands, i mean) at the bell-rope's end, and no sooner made it speak but those smoked birds hied them thither and began to lift up their voices and make a sort of untowardly hoarse noise, which i grudge to call singing. aedituus indeed told us that they fed on nothing but fish, like the herns and cormorants of the world, and that they were a fifth kind of cucullati newly stamped. he added that he had been told by robert valbringue, who lately passed that way in his return from africa, that a sixth kind was to fly hither out of hand, which he called capus-hawks, more grum, vinegar-faced, brain-sick, froward, and loathsome than any kind whatsoever in the whole island. africa, said pantagruel, still uses to produce some new and monstrous thing. chapter 5.iv. how the birds of the ringing island were all passengers. since you have told us, said pantagruel, how the pope-hawk is begot by the cardin-hawks, the cardin-hawks by the bish-hawks, and the bish-hawks by the priest-hawks, and the priest-hawks by the clerg-hawks, i would gladly know whence you have these same clerg-hawks. they are all of them passengers, or travelling birds, returned aedituus, and come hither from t'other world; part out of a vast country called want-o'-bread, the rest out of another toward the west, which they style too-many-of-'em. from these two countries flock hither, every year, whole legions of these clerg-hawks, leaving their fathers, mothers, friends, and relations. this happens when there are too many children, whether male or female, in some good family of the latter country; insomuch that the house would come to nothing if the paternal estate were shared among them all (as reason requires, nature directs, and god commands). for this cause parents use to rid themselves of that inconveniency by packing off the younger fry, and forcing them to seek their fortune in this isle bossart (crooked island). i suppose he means l'isle bouchart, near chinon, cried panurge. no, replied t'other, i mean bossart (crooked), for there is not one in ten among them but is either crooked, crippled, blinking, limping, ill-favoured, deformed, or an unprofitable load to the earth. 'twas quite otherwise among the heathens, said pantagruel, when they used to receive a maiden among the number of vestals; for leo antistius affirms that it was absolutely forbidden to admit a virgin into that order if she had any vice in her soul or defect in her body, though it were but the smallest spot on any part of it. i can hardly believe, continued aedituus, that their dams on t'other side the water go nine months with them; for they cannot endure them nine years, nay, scarce seven sometimes, in the house, but by putting only a shirt over the other clothes of the young urchins, and lopping off i don't well know how many hairs from their crowns, mumbling certain apostrophized and expiatory words, they visibly, openly, and plainly, by a pythagorical metempsychosis, without the least hurt, transmogrify them into such birds as you now see; much after the fashion of the egyptian heathens, who used to constitute their isiacs by shaving them and making them put on certain linostoles, or surplices. however, i don't know, my good friends, but that these she-things, whether clerg-kites, monk-kites, and abbess-kites, instead of singing pleasant verses and charisteres, such as used to be sung to oromasis by zoroaster's institution, may be bellowing out such catarates and scythropys (cursed lamentable and wretched imprecations) as were usually offered to the arimanian demon; being thus in devotion for their kind friends and relations that transformed them into birds, whether when they were maids, or thornbacks, in their prime, or at their last prayers. but the greatest numbers of our birds came out of want-o'-bread, which, though a barren country, where the days are of a most tedious lingering length, overstocks this whole island with the lower class of birds. for hither fly the asapheis that inhabit that land, either when they are in danger of passing their time scurvily for want of belly-timber, being unable, or, what's more likely, unwilling to take heart of grace and follow some honest lawful calling, or too proud-hearted and lazy to go to service in some sober family. the same is done by your frantic inamoradoes, who, when crossed in their wild desires, grow stark staring mad, and choose this life suggested to them by their despair, too cowardly to make them swing, like their brother iphis of doleful memory. there is another sort, that is, your gaol-birds, who, having done some rogue's trick or other heinous villainy, and being sought up and down to be trussed up and made to ride the two or three-legged mare that groans for them, warily scour off and come here to save their bacon; because all these sorts of birds are here provided for, and grow in an instant as fat as hogs, though they came as lean as rakes; for having the benefit of the clergy, they are as safe as thieves in a mill within this sanctuary. but, asked pantagruel, do these birds never return to the world where they were hatched? some do, answered aedituus; formerly very few, very seldom, very late, and very unwillingly; however, since some certain eclipses, by the virtue of the celestial constellations, a great crowd of them fled back to the world. nor do we fret or vex ourselves a jot about it; for those that stay wisely sing, the fewer the better cheer; and all those that fly away, first cast off their feathers here among these nettles and briars. accordingly we found some thrown by there; and as we looked up and down, we chanced to light on what some people will hardly thank us for having discovered; and thereby hangs a tale. chapter 5.v. of the dumb knight-hawks of the ringing island. these words were scarce out of his mouth when some five-and-twenty or thirty birds flew towards us; they were of a hue and feather like which we had not seen anything in the whole island. their plumes were as changeable as the skin of the chameleon, and the flower of tripolion, or teucrion. they had all under the left wing a mark like two diameters dividing a circle into equal parts, or, if you had rather have it so, like a perpendicular line falling on a right line. the marks which each of them bore were much of the same shape, but of different colours; for some were white, others green, some red, others purple, and some blue. who are those? asked panurge; and how do you call them? they are mongrels, quoth aedituus. we call them knight-hawks, and they have a great number of rich commanderies (fat livings) in your world. good your worship, said i, make them give us a song, an't please you, that we may know how they sing. they scorn your words, cried aedituus; they are none of your singing-birds; but, to make amends, they feed as much as the best two of them all. pray where are their hens? where are their females? said i. they have none, answered aedituus. how comes it to pass then, asked panurge, that they are thus bescabbed, bescurfed, all embroidered o'er the phiz with carbuncles, pushes, and pock-royals, some of which undermine the handles of their faces? this same fashionable and illustrious disease, quoth aedituus, is common among that kind of birds, because they are pretty apt to be tossed on the salt deep. he then acquainted us with the occasion of their coming. this next to us, said he, looks so wistfully upon you to see whether he may not find among your company a stately gaudy kind of huge dreadful birds of prey, which yet are so untoward that they ne'er could be brought to the lure nor to perch on the glove. they tell us that there are such in your world, and that some of them have goodly garters below the knee with an inscription about them which condemns him (qui mal y pense) who shall think ill of it to be berayed and conskited. others are said to wear the devil in a string before their paunches; and others a ram's skin. all that's true enough, good master aedituus, quoth panurge; but we have not the honour to be acquainted with their knightships. come on, cried aedituus in a merry mood, we have had chat enough o' conscience! let's e'en go drink. and eat, quoth panurge. eat, replied aedituus, and drink bravely, old boy; twist like plough-jobbers and swill like tinkers. pull away and save tide, for nothing is so dear and precious as time; therefore we will be sure to put it to a good use. he would fain have carried us first to bathe in the bagnios of the cardin-hawks, which are goodly delicious places, and have us licked over with precious ointments by the alyptes, alias rubbers, as soon as we should come out of the bath. but pantagruel told him that he could drink but too much without that. he then led us into a spacious delicate refectory, or fratery-room, and told us: braguibus the hermit made you fast four days together; now, contrariwise, i'll make you eat and drink of the best four days through stitch before you budge from this place. but hark ye me, cried panurge, may not we take a nap in the mean time? ay, ay, answered aedituus; that is as you shall think good; for he that sleeps, drinks. good lord! how we lived! what good bub! what dainty cheer! o what a honest cod was this same aedituus! chapter 5.vi. how the birds are crammed in the ringing island. pantagruel looked i don't know howish, and seemed not very well pleased with the four days' junketting which aedituus enjoined us. aedituus, who soon found it out, said to him, you know, sir, that seven days before winter, and seven days after, there is no storm at sea; for then the elements are still out of respect for the halcyons, or king-fishers, birds sacred to thetis, which then lay their eggs and hatch their young near the shore. now here the sea makes itself amends for this long calm; and whenever any foreigners come hither it grows boisterous and stormy for four days together. we can give no other reason for it but that it is a piece of its civility, that those who come among us may stay whether they will or no, and be copiously feasted all the while with the incomes of the ringing. therefore pray don't think your time lost; for, willing, nilling, you'll be forced to stay, unless you are resolved to encounter juno, neptune, doris, aeolus, and his fluster-busters, and, in short, all the pack of ill-natured left-handed godlings and vejoves. do but resolve to be cheery, and fall-to briskly. after we had pretty well stayed our stomachs with some tight snatches, friar john said to aedituus, for aught i see, you have none but a parcel of birds and cages in this island of yours, and the devil a bit of one of them all that sets his hand to the plough, or tills the land whose fat he devours; their whole business is to be frolic, to chirp it, to whistle it, to warble it, tossing it, and roar it merrily night and day. pray then, if i may be so bold, whence comes this plenty and overflowing of all dainty bits and good things which we see among you? from all the other world, returned aedituus, if you except some part of the northern regions, who of late years have stirred up the jakes. mum! they may chance ere long to rue the day they did so; their cows shall have porridge, and their dogs oats; there will be work made among them, that there will. come, a fig for't, let's drink. but pray what countrymen are you? touraine is our country, answered panurge. cod so, cried aedituus, you were not then hatched of an ill bird, i will say that for you, since the blessed touraine is your mother; for from thence there comes hither every year such a vast store of good things, that we were told by some folks of the place that happened to touch at this island, that your duke of touraine's income will not afford him to eat his bellyful of beans and bacon (a good dish spoiled between moses and pythagoras) because his predecessors have been more than liberal to these most holy birds of ours, that we might here munch it, twist it, cram it, gorge it, craw it, riot it, junket it, and tickle it off, stuffing our puddings with dainty pheasants, partridges, pullets with eggs, fat capons of loudunois, and all sorts of venison and wild fowl. come, box it about; tope on, my friends. pray do you see yon jolly birds that are perched together, how fat, how plump, and in good case they look, with the income that touraine yields us! and in faith they sing rarely for their good founders, that is the truth on't. you never saw any arcadian birds mumble more fairly than they do over a dish when they see these two gilt batons, or when i ring for them those great bells that you see above their cages. drink on, sirs, whip it away. verily, friends, 'tis very fine drinking to-day, and so 'tis every day o' the week; then drink on, toss it about, here's to you with all my soul. you are most heartily welcome; never spare it, i pray you; fear not we should ever want good bub and belly-timber; for, look here, though the sky were of brass, and the earth of iron, we should not want wherewithal to stuff the gut, though they were to continue so seven or eight years longer than the famine in egypt. let us then, with brotherly love and charity, refresh ourselves here with the creature. woons, man, cried panurge, what a rare time you have on't in this world! psha, returned aedituus, this is nothing to what we shall have in t'other; the elysian fields will be the least that can fall to our lot. come, in the meantime let us drink here; come, here's to thee, old fuddlecap. your first siticines, said i, were superlatively wise in devising thus a means for you to compass whatever all men naturally covet so much, and so few, or, to speak more properly, none can enjoy together--i mean, a paradise in this life, and another in the next. sure you were born wrapt in your mother's smickets! o happy creatures! o more than men! would i had the luck to fare like you! (motteux inserts chapter xvi. after chapter vi.) chapter 5.vii. how panurge related to master aedituus the fable of the horse and the ass. when we had crammed and crammed again, aedituus took us into a chamber that was well furnished, hung with tapestry, and finely gilt. thither he caused to be brought store of mirobolans, cashou, green ginger preserved, with plenty of hippocras, and delicious wine. with those antidotes, that were like a sweet lethe, he invited us to forget the hardships of our voyage; and at the same time he sent plenty of provisions on board our ship that rid in the harbour. after this, we e'en jogged to bed for that night; but the devil a bit poor pilgarlic could sleep one wink--the everlasting jingle-jangle of the bells kept me awake whether i would or no. about midnight aedituus came to wake us that we might drink. he himself showed us the way, saying: you men of t'other world say that ignorance is the mother of all evil, and so far you are right; yet for all that you do not take the least care to get rid of it, but still plod on, and live in it, with it, and by it; for which a plaguy deal of mischief lights on you every day, and you are right enough served--you are perpetually ailing somewhat, making a moan, and never right. it is what i was ruminating upon just now. and, indeed, ignorance keeps you here fastened in bed, just as that bully-rock mars was detained by vulcan's art; for all the while you do not mind that you ought to spare some of your rest, and be as lavish as you can of the goods of this famous island. come, come, you should have eaten three breakfasts already; and take this from me for a certain truth, that if you would consume the mouth-ammunition of this island, you must rise betimes; eat them, they multiply; spare them, they diminish. for example, mow a field in due season, and the grass will grow thicker and better; don't mow it, and in a short time 'twill be floored with moss. let's drink, and drink again, my friends; come, let's all carouse it. the leanest of our birds are now singing to us all; we'll drink to them, if you please. let's take off one, two, three, nine bumpers. non zelus, sed caritas. when day, peeping in the east, made the sky turn from black to red like a boiling lobster, he waked us again to take a dish of monastical brewis. from that time we made but one meal, that only lasted the whole day; so that i cannot well tell how i may call it, whether dinner, supper, nunchion, or after-supper; only, to get a stomach, we took a turn or two in the island, to see and hear the blessed singing-birds. at night panurge said to aedituus: give me leave, sweet sir, to tell you a merry story of something that happened some three and twenty moons ago in the country of chastelleraud. one day in april, a certain gentleman's groom, roger by name, was walking his master's horses in some fallow ground. there 'twas his good fortune to find a pretty shepherdess feeding her bleating sheep and harmless lambkins on the brow of a neighbouring mountain, in the shade of an adjacent grove; near her, some frisking kids tripped it over a green carpet of nature's own spreading, and, to complete the landscape, there stood an ass. roger, who was a wag, had a dish of chat with her, and after some ifs, ands, and buts, hems and heighs on her side, got her in the mind to get up behind him, to go and see his stable, and there take a bit by the bye in a civil way. while they were holding a parley, the horse, directing his discourse to the ass (for all brute beasts spoke that year in divers places), whispered these words in his ear: poor ass, how i pity thee! thou slavest like any hack, i read it on thy crupper. thou dost well, however, since god has created thee to serve mankind; thou art a very honest ass, but not to be better rubbed down, currycombed, trapped, and fed than thou art, seems to me indeed to be too hard a lot. alas! thou art all rough-coated, in ill plight, jaded, foundered, crestfallen, and drooping, like a mooting duck, and feedest here on nothing but coarse grass, or briars and thistles. therefore do but pace it along with me, and thou shalt see how we noble steeds, made by nature for war, are treated. come, thou'lt lose nothing by coming; i'll get thee a taste of my fare. i' troth, sir, i can but love you and thank you, returned the ass; i'll wait on you, good mr. steed. methinks, gaffer ass, you might as well have said sir grandpaw steed. o! cry mercy, good sir grandpaw, returned the ass; we country clowns are somewhat gross, and apt to knock words out of joint. however, an't please you, i will come after your worship at some distance, lest for taking this run my side should chance to be firked and curried with a vengeance, as it is but too often, the more is my sorrow. the shepherdess being got behind roger, the ass followed, fully resolved to bait like a prince with roger's steed; but when they got to the stable, the groom, who spied the grave animal, ordered one of his underlings to welcome him with a pitchfork and currycomb him with a cudgel. the ass, who heard this, recommended himself mentally to the god neptune, and was packing off, thinking and syllogizing within himself thus: had not i been an ass, i had not come here among great lords, when i must needs be sensible that i was only made for the use of the small vulgar. aesop had given me a fair warning of this in one of his fables. well, i must e'en scamper or take what follows. with this he fell a-trotting, and wincing, and yerking, and calcitrating, alias kicking, and farting, and funking, and curvetting, and bounding, and springing, and galloping full drive, as if the devil had come for him in propria persona. the shepherdess, who saw her ass scour off, told roger that it was her cattle, and desired he might be kindly used, or else she would not stir her foot over the threshold. friend roger no sooner knew this but he ordered him to be fetched in, and that my master's horses should rather chop straw for a week together than my mistress's beast should want his bellyful of corn. the most difficult point was to get him back; for in vain the youngsters complimented and coaxed him to come. i dare not, said the ass; i am bashful. and the more they strove by fair means to bring him with them, the more the stubborn thing was untoward, and flew out at the heels; insomuch that they might have been there to this hour, had not his mistress advised them to toss oats in a sieve or in a blanket, and call him; which was done, and made him wheel about and say, oats, with a witness! oats shall go to pot. adveniat; oats will do, there's evidence in the case; but none of the rubbing down, none of the firking. thus melodiously singing (for, as you know, that arcadian bird's note is very harmonious) he came to the young gentleman of the horse, alias black garb, who brought him to the stable. when he was there, they placed him next to the great horse his friend, rubbed him down, currycombed him, laid clean straw under him up to the chin, and there he lay at rack and manger, the first stuffed with sweet hay, the latter with oats; which when the horse's valet-dear-chambre sifted, he clapped down his lugs, to tell them by signs that he could eat it but too well without sifting, and that he did not deserve so great an honour. when they had well fed, quoth the horse to the ass; well, poor ass, how is it with thee now? how dost thou like this fare? thou wert so nice at first, a body had much ado to get thee hither. by the fig, answered the ass, which, one of our ancestors eating, philemon died laughing, this is all sheer ambrosia, good sir grandpaw; but what would you have an ass say? methinks all this is yet but half cheer. don't your worships here now and then use to take a leap? what leaping dost thou mean? asked the horse; the devil leap thee! dost thou take me for an ass? in troth, sir grandpaw, quoth the ass, i am somewhat of a blockhead, you know, and cannot, for the heart's blood of me, learn so fast the court way of speaking of you gentlemen horses; i mean, don't you stallionize it sometimes here among your mettled fillies? tush, whispered the horse, speak lower; for, by bucephalus, if the grooms but hear thee they will maul and belam thee thrice and threefold, so that thou wilt have but little stomach to a leaping bout. cod so, man, we dare not so much as grow stiff at the tip of the lowermost snout, though it were but to leak or so, for fear of being jerked and paid out of our lechery. as for anything else, we are as happy as our master, and perhaps more. by this packsaddle, my old acquaintance, quoth the ass, i have done with you; a fart for thy litter and hay, and a fart for thy oats; give me the thistles of our fields, since there we leap when we list. eat less, and leap more, i say; it is meat, drink, and cloth to us. ah! friend grandpaw, it would do thy heart good to see us at a fair, when we hold our provincial chapter! oh! how we leap it, while our mistresses are selling their goslings and other poultry! with this they parted. dixi; i have done. panurge then held his peace. pantagruel would have had him to have gone on to the end of the chapter; but aedituus said, a word to the wise is enough; i can pick out the meaning of that fable, and know who is that ass, and who the horse; but you are a bashful youth, i perceive. well, know that there's nothing for you here; scatter no words. yet, returned panurge, i saw but even now a pretty kind of a cooing abbess-kite as white as a dove, and her i had rather ride than lead. may i never stir if she is not a dainty bit, and very well worth a sin or two. heaven forgive me! i meant no more harm in it than you; may the harm i meant in it befall me presently. chapter 5.viii. how with much ado we got a sight of the pope-hawk. our junketting and banqueting held on at the same rate the third day as the two former. pantagruel then earnestly desired to see the pope-hawk; but aedituus told him it was not such an easy matter to get a sight of him. how, asked pantagruel, has he plato's helmet on his crown, gyges's ring on his pounces, or a chameleon on his breast, to make him invisible when he pleases? no, sir, returned aedituus; but he is naturally of pretty difficult access. however, i'll see and take care that you may see him, if possible. with this he left us piddling; then within a quarter of an hour came back, and told us the pope-hawk is now to be seen. so he led us, without the least noise, directly to the cage wherein he sat drooping, with his feathers staring about him, attended by a brace of little cardin-hawks and six lusty fusty bish-hawks. panurge stared at him like a dead pig, examining exactly his figure, size, and motions. then with a loud voice he said, a curse light on the hatcher of the ill bird; o' my word, this is a filthy whoop-hooper. tush, speak softly, said aedituus; by g--, he has a pair of ears, as formerly michael de matiscones remarked. what then? returned panurge; so hath a whoopcat. so, said aedituus; if he but hear you speak such another blasphemous word, you had as good be damned. do you see that basin yonder in his cage? out of it shall sally thunderbolts and lightnings, storms, bulls, and the devil and all, that will sink you down to peg trantum's, an hundred fathom under ground. it were better to drink and be merry, quoth friar john. panurge was still feeding his eyes with the sight of the pope-hawk and his attendants, when somewhere under his cage he perceived a madge-howlet. with this he cried out, by the devil's maker, master, there's roguery in the case; they put tricks upon travellers here more than anywhere else, and would make us believe that a t--d's a sugarloaf. what damned cozening, gulling, and coney-catching have we here! do you see this madge-howlet? by minerva, we are all beshit. odsoons, said aedituus, speak softly, i tell you. it is no madge-howlet, no she-thing on my honest word; but a male, and a noble bird. may we not hear the pope-hawk sing? asked pantagruel. i dare not promise that, returned aedituus; for he only sings and eats at his own hours. so don't i, quoth panurge; poor pilgarlic is fain to make everybody's time his own; if they have time, i find time. come, then, let us go drink, if you will. now this is something like a tansy, said aedituus; you begin to talk somewhat like; still speak in that fashion, and i'll secure you from being thought a heretic. come on, i am of your mind. as we went back to have t'other fuddling bout, we spied an old green-headed bish-hawk, who sat moping with his mate and three jolly bittern attendants, all snoring under an arbour. near the old cuff stood a buxom abbess-kite that sung like any linnet; and we were so mightily tickled with her singing that i vow and swear we could have wished all our members but one turned into ears, to have had more of the melody. quoth panurge, this pretty cherubim of cherubims is here breaking her head with chanting to this huge, fat, ugly face, who lies grunting all the while like a hog as he is. i will make him change his note presently, in the devil's name. with this he rang a bell that hung over the bish-hawk's head; but though he rang and rang again, the devil a bit bish-hawk would hear; the louder the sound, the louder his snoring. there was no making him sing. by g--, quoth panurge, you old buzzard, if you won't sing by fair means, you shall by foul. having said this, he took up one of st. stephen's loaves, alias a stone, and was going to hit him with it about the middle. but aedituus cried to him, hold, hold, honest friend! strike, wound, poison, kill, and murder all the kings and princes in the world, by treachery or how thou wilt, and as soon as thou wouldst unnestle the angels from their cockloft. pope-hawk will pardon thee all this. but never be so mad as to meddle with these sacred birds, as much as thou lovest the profit, welfare, and life not only of thyself, and thy friends and relations alive or dead, but also of those that may be born hereafter to the thousandth generation; for so long thou wouldst entail misery upon them. do but look upon that basin. catso! let us rather drink, then, quoth panurge. he that spoke last, spoke well, mr. antitus, quoth friar john; while we are looking on these devilish birds we do nothing but blaspheme; and while we are taking a cup we do nothing but praise god. come on, then, let's go drink; how well that word sounds! the third day (after we had drank, as you must understand) aedituus dismissed us. we made him a present of a pretty little perguois knife, which he took more kindly than artaxerxes did the cup of cold water that was given him by a clown. he most courteously thanked us, and sent all sorts of provisions aboard our ships, wished us a prosperous voyage and success in our undertakings, and made us promise and swear by jupiter of stone to come back by his territories. finally he said to us, friends, pray note that there are many more stones in the world than men; take care you don't forget it. chapter 5.ix. how we arrived at the island of tools. having well ballasted the holds of our human vessels, we weighed anchor, hoised up sail, stowed the boats, set the land, and stood for the offing with a fair loom gale, and for more haste unpareled the mizen-yard, and launched it and the sail over the lee-quarter, and fitted gyves to keep it steady, and boomed it out; so in three days we made the island of tools, that is altogether uninhabited. we saw there a great number of trees which bore mattocks, pickaxes, crows, weeding-hooks, scythes, sickles, spades, trowels, hatchets, hedging-bills, saws, adzes, bills, axes, shears, pincers, bolts, piercers, augers, and wimbles. others bore dags, daggers, poniards, bayonets, square-bladed tucks, stilettoes, poniardoes, skeans, penknives, puncheons, bodkins, swords, rapiers, back-swords, cutlasses, scimitars, hangers, falchions, glaives, raillons, whittles, and whinyards. whoever would have any of these needed but to shake the tree, and immediately they dropped down as thick as hops, like so many ripe plums; nay, what's more, they fell on a kind of grass called scabbard, and sheathed themselves in it cleverly. but when they came down, there was need of taking care lest they happened to touch the head, feet, or other parts of the body. for they fell with the point downwards, and in they stuck, or slit the continuum of some member, or lopped it off like a twig; either of which generally was enough to have killed a man, though he were a hundred years old, and worth as many thousand spankers, spur-royals, and rose-nobles. under some other trees, whose names i cannot justly tell you, i saw some certain sorts of weeds that grew and sprouted like pikes, lances, javelins, javelots, darts, dartlets, halberds, boar-spears, eel-spears, partizans, tridents, prongs, trout-staves, spears, half-pikes, and hunting-staves. as they sprouted up and chanced to touch the tree, straight they met with their heads, points, and blades, each suitable to its kind, made ready for them by the trees over them, as soon as every individual wood was grown up, fit for its steel; even like the children's coats, that are made for them as soon as they can wear them and you wean them of their swaddling clothes. nor do you mutter, i pray you, at what plato, anaxagoras, and democritus have said. ods-fish! they were none of your lower-form gimcracks, were they? those trees seemed to us terrestrial animals, in no wise so different from brute beasts as not to have skin, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, ligaments, nerves, cartilages, kernels, bones, marrow, humours, matrices, brains, and articulations; for they certainly have some, since theophrastus will have it so. but in this point they differed from other animals, that their heads, that is, the part of their trunks next to the root, are downwards; their hair, that is, their roots, in the earth; and their feet, that is, their branches, upside down; as if a man should stand on his head with outstretched legs. and as you, battered sinners, on whom venus has bestowed something to remember her, feel the approach of rains, winds, cold, and every change of weather, at your ischiatic legs and your omoplates, by means of the perpetual almanack which she has fixed there; so these trees have notice given them, by certain sensations which they have at their roots, stocks, gums, paps, or marrow, of the growth of the staves under them, and accordingly they prepare suitable points and blades for them beforehand. yet as all things, except god, are sometimes subject to error, nature itself not free from it when it produceth monstrous things, likewise i observed something amiss in these trees. for a half-pike that grew up high enough to reach the branches of one of these instrumentiferous trees, happened no sooner to touch them but, instead of being joined to an iron head, it impaled a stubbed broom at the fundament. well, no matter, 'twill serve to sweep the chimney. thus a partizan met with a pair of garden shears. come, all's good for something; 'twill serve to nip off little twigs and destroy caterpillars. the staff of a halberd got the blade of a scythe, which made it look like a hermaphrodite. happy-be-lucky, 'tis all a case; 'twill serve for some mower. oh, 'tis a great blessing to put our trust in the lord! as we went back to our ships i spied behind i don't know what bush, i don't know what folks, doing i don't know what business, in i don't know what posture, scouring i don't know what tools, in i don't know what manner, and i don't know what place. chapter 5.x. how pantagruel arrived at the island of sharping. we left the island of tools to pursue our voyage, and the next day stood in for the island of sharping, the true image of fontainebleau, for the land is so very lean that the bones, that is, the rocks, shoot through its skin. besides, 'tis sandy, barren, unhealthy, and unpleasant. our pilot showed us there two little square rocks which had eight equal points in the shape of a cube. they were so white that i might have mistaken them for alabaster or snow, had he not assured us they were made of bone. he told us that twenty chance devils very much feared in our country dwelt there in six different storeys, and that the biggest twins or braces of them were called sixes, and the smallest ambs-ace; the rest cinques, quatres, treys, and deuces. when they were conjured up, otherwise coupled, they were called either sice cinque, sice quatre, sice trey, sice deuce, and sice ace; or cinque quatre, cinque trey, and so forth. i made there a shrewd observation. would you know what 'tis, gamesters? 'tis that there are very few of you in the world but what call upon and invoke the devils. for the dice are no sooner thrown on the board, and the greedy gazing sparks have hardly said, two sixes, frank; but six devils damn it! cry as many of them. if ambs-ace; then, a brace of devils broil me! will they say. quatre-deuce, tom; the deuce take it! cries another. and so on to the end of the chapter. nay, they don't forget sometimes to call the black cloven-footed gentlemen by their christian names and surnames; and what is stranger yet, they use them as their greatest cronies, and make them so often the executors of their wills, not only giving themselves, but everybody and everything, to the devil, that there's no doubt but he takes care to seize, soon or late, what's so zealously bequeathed him. indeed, 'tis true lucifer does not always immediately appear by his lawful attorneys; but, alas! 'tis not for want of goodwill; he is really to be excused for his delay; for what the devil would you have a devil do? he and his black guards are then at some other places, according to the priority of the persons that call on them; therefore, pray let none be so venturesome as to think that the devils are deaf and blind. he then told us that more wrecks had happened about those square rocks, and a greater loss of body and goods, than about all the syrtes, scyllas and charybdes, sirens, strophades, and gulfs in the universe. i had not much ado to believe it, remembering that formerly, among the wise egyptians, neptune was described in hieroglyphics for the first cube, apollo by an ace, diana by a deuce, minerva by seven, and so forth. he also told us that there was a phial of sanc-greal, a most divine thing, and known to a few. panurge did so sweeten up the syndics of the place that they blessed us with the sight of 't; but it was with three times more pother and ado, with more formalities and antic tricks, than they show the pandects of justinian at florence, or the holy veronica at rome. i never saw such a sight of flambeaux, torches, and hagios, sanctified tapers, rush-lights, and farthing candles in my whole life. after all, that which was shown us was only the ill-faced countenance of a roasted coney. all that we saw there worth speaking of was a good face set upon an ill game, and the shells of the two eggs formerly laid up and hatched by leda, out of which came castor and pollux, fair helen's brothers. these same syndics sold us a piece of 'em for a song, i mean, for a morsel of bread. before we went we bought a parcel of hats and caps of the manufacture of the place, which, i fear, will turn to no very good account; nor are those who shall take 'em off our hands more likely to commend their wearing. chapter 5.xi. how we passed through the wicket inhabited by gripe-men-all, archduke of the furred law-cats. from thence condemnation was passed by us. 'tis another damned barren island, whereat none for the world cared to touch. then we went through the wicket; but pantagruel had no mind to bear us company, and 'twas well he did not, for we were nabbed there, and clapped into lob's-pound by order of gripe-men-all, archduke of the furred law-cats, because one of our company would ha' put upon a sergeant some hats of the sharping island. the furred law-cats are most terrible and dreadful monsters, they devour little children, and trample over marble stones. pray tell me, noble topers, do they not deserve to have their snouts slit? the hair of their hides doesn't lie outward, but inwards, and every mother's son of 'em for his device wears a gaping pouch, but not all in the same manner; for some wear it tied to their neck scarfwise, others upon the breech, some on the paunch, others on the side, and all for a cause, with reason and mystery. they have claws so very strong, long, and sharp that nothing can get from 'em that is once fast between their clutches. sometimes they cover their heads with mortar-like caps, at other times with mortified caparisons. as we entered their den, said a common mumper, to whom we had given half a teston, worshipful culprits, god send you a good deliverance! examine well, said he, the countenance of these stout props and pillars of this catch-coin law and iniquity; and pray observe, that if you still live but six olympiads, and the age of two dogs more, you'll see these furred law-cats lords of all europe, and in peaceful possession of all the estates and dominions belonging to it; unless, by divine providence, what's got over the devil's back is spent under his belly, or the goods which they unjustly get perish with their prodigal heirs. take this from an honest beggar. among 'em reigns the sixth essence; by the means of which they gripe all, devour all, conskite all, burn all, draw all, hang all, quarter all, behead all, murder all, imprison all, waste all, and ruin all, without the least notice of right or wrong; for among them vice is called virtue; wickedness, piety; treason, loyalty; robbery, justice. plunder is their motto, and when acted by them is approved by all men, except the heretics; and all this they do because they dare; their authority is sovereign and irrefragable. for a sign of the truth of what i tell you, you'll find that there the mangers are above the racks. remember hereafter that a fool told you this; and if ever plague, famine, war, fire, earthquakes, inundations, or other judgments befall the world, do not attribute 'em to the aspects and conjunctions of the malevolent planets; to the abuses of the court of romania, or the tyranny of secular kings and princes; to the impostures of the false zealots of the cowl, heretical bigots, false prophets, and broachers of sects; to the villainy of griping usurers, clippers, and coiners; or to the ignorance, impudence, and imprudence of physicians, surgeons, and apothecaries; nor to the lewdness of adulteresses and destroyers of by-blows; but charge them all, wholly and solely, to the inexpressible, incredible, and inestimable wickedness and ruin which is continually hatched, brewed, and practised in the den or shop of those furred law-cats. yet 'tis no more known in the world than the cabala of the jews, the more's the pity; and therefore 'tis not detested, chastised, and punished as 'tis fit it should be. but should all their villainy be once displayed in its true colours and exposed to the people, there never was, is, nor will be any spokesman so sweet-mouthed, whose fine colloguing tongue could save 'em; nor any law so rigorous and draconic that could punish 'em as they deserve; nor yet any magistrate so powerful as to hinder their being burnt alive in their coneyburrows without mercy. even their own furred kittlings, friends, and relations would abominate 'em. for this reason, as hannibal was solemnly sworn by his father amilcar to pursue the romans with the utmost hatred as long as ever he lived, so my late father has enjoined me to remain here without, till god almighty's thunder reduce them there within to ashes, like other presumptuous titans, profane wretches, and opposers of god; since mankind is so inured to their oppressions that they either do not remember, foresee, or have a sense of the woes and miseries which they have caused; or, if they have, either will not, dare not, or cannot root 'em out. how, said panurge, say you so? catch me there and hang me! damme, let's march off! this noble beggar has scared me worse than thunder in autumn (motteux gives 'than the thunder would do them.'). upon this we were filing off; but, alas! we found ourselves trapped--the door was double-locked and barricadoed. some messengers of ill news told us it was full as easy to get in there as into hell, and no less hard to get out. ay, there indeed lay the difficulty, for there is no getting loose without a pass and discharge in due course from the bench. this for no other reason than because folks go easier out of a church than out of a sponging-house, and because they could not have our company when they would. the worst on't was when we got through the wicket; for we were carried, to get out our pass or discharge, before a more dreadful monster than ever was read of in the legends of knight-errantry. they called him gripe-men-all. i can't tell what to compare it to better than to a chimaera, a sphinx, a cerberus; or to the image of osiris, as the egyptians represented him, with three heads, one of a roaring lion, t'other of a fawning cur, and the last of a howling, prowling wolf, twisted about with a dragon biting his tail, surrounded with fiery rays. his hands were full of gore, his talons like those of the harpies, his snout like a hawk's bill, his fangs or tusks like those of an overgrown brindled wild boar; his eyes were flaming like the jaws of hell, all covered with mortars interlaced with pestles, and nothing of his arms was to be seen but his clutches. his hutch, and that of the warren-cats his collaterals, was a long, spick-and-span new rack, a-top of which (as the mumper told us) some large stately mangers were fixed in the reverse. over the chief seat was the picture of an old woman holding the case or scabbard of a sickle in her right hand, a pair of scales in her left, with spectacles on her nose; the cups or scales of the balance were a pair of velvet pouches, the one full of bullion, which overpoised t'other, empty and long, hoisted higher than the middle of the beam. i'm of opinion it was the true effigies of justice gripe-men-all; far different from the institution of the ancient thebans, who set up the statues of their dicasts without hands, in marble, silver, or gold, according to their merit, even after their death. when we made our personal appearance before him, a sort of i don't know what men, all clothed with i don't know what bags and pouches, with long scrolls in their clutches, made us sit down upon a cricket (such as criminals sit on when tried in france). quoth panurge to 'em, good my lords, i'm very well as i am; i'd as lief stand, an't please you. besides, this same stool is somewhat of the lowest for a man that has new breeches and a short doublet. sit you down, said gripe-men-all again, and look that you don't make the court bid you twice. now, continued he, the earth shall immediately open its jaws and swallow you up to quick damnation if you don't answer as you should. chapter 5.xii. how gripe-men-all propounded a riddle to us. when we were sat, gripe-men-all, in the middle of his furred cats, called to us in a hoarse dreadful voice, well, come on, give me presently--an answer. well, come on, muttered panurge between his teeth, give, give me presently--a comforting dram. hearken to the court, continued gripe-men-all. an enigma. a young tight thing, as fair as may be, without a dad conceived a baby, and brought him forth without the pother in labour made by teeming mother. yet the cursed brat feared not to gripe her, but gnawed, for haste, her sides like viper. then the black upstart boldly sallies, and walks and flies o'er hills and valleys. many fantastic sons of wisdom, amazed, foresaw their own in his doom; and thought like an old grecian noddy, a human spirit moved his body. give, give me out of hand--an answer to this riddle, quoth gripe-men-all. give, give me--leave to tell you, good, good my lord, answered panurge, that if i had but a sphinx at home, as verres one of your precursors had, i might then solve your enigma presently. but verily, good my lord, i was not there; and, as i hope to be saved, am as innocent in the matter as the child unborn. foh, give me--a better answer, cried gripe-men-all; or, by gold, this shall not serve your turn. i'll not be paid in such coin; if you have nothing better to offer, i'll let your rascalship know that it had been better for you to have fallen into lucifer's own clutches than into ours. dost thou see 'em here, sirrah? hah? and dost thou prate here of thy being innocent, as if thou couldst be delivered from our racks and tortures for being so? give me--patience! thou widgeon. our laws are like cobwebs; your silly little flies are stopped, caught, and destroyed therein, but your stronger ones break them, and force and carry them which way they please. likewise, don't think we are so mad as to set up our nets to snap up your great robbers and tyrants. no, they are somewhat too hard for us, there's no meddling with them; for they would make no more of us than we make of the little ones. but you paltry, silly, innocent wretches must make us amends; and, by gold, we will innocentize your fopship with a wannion, you never were so innocentized in your days; the devil shall sing mass among ye. friar john, hearing him run on at that mad rate, had no longer the power to remain silent, but cried to him, heigh-day! prithee, mr. devil in a coif, wouldst thou have a man tell thee more than he knows? hasn't the fellow told you he does not know a word of the business? his name is twyford. a plague rot you! won't truth serve your turns? why, how now, mr. prate-apace, cried gripe-men-all, taking him short, marry come up, who made you so saucy as to open your lips before you were spoken to? give me --patience! by gold! this is the first time since i have reigned that anyone has had the impudence to speak before he was bidden. how came this mad fellow to break loose? (villain, thou liest, said friar john, without stirring his lips.) sirrah, sirrah, continued gripe-men-all, i doubt thou wilt have business enough on thy hands when it comes to thy turn to answer. (damme, thou liest, said friar john, silently.) dost thou think, continued my lord, thou art in the wilderness of your foolish university, wrangling and bawling among the idle, wandering searchers and hunters after truth? by gold, we have here other fish to fry; we go another gate's-way to work, that we do. by gold, people here must give categorical answers to what they don't know. by gold, they must confess they have done those things which they have not nor ought to have done. by gold, they must protest that they know what they never knew in their lives; and, after all, patience perforce must be their only remedy, as well as a mad dog's. here silly geese are plucked, yet cackle not. sirrah, give me--an account whether you had a letter of attorney, or whether you were feed or no, that you offered to bawl in another man's cause? i see you had no authority to speak, and i may chance to have you wed to something you won't like. oh, you devils, cried friar john, proto-devils, panto-devils, you would wed a monk, would you? ho hu! ho hu! a heretic! a heretic! i'll give thee out for a rank heretic. chapter 5.xiii. how panurge solved gripe-men-all's riddle. gripe-men-all, as if he had not heard what friar john said, directed his discourse to panurge, saying to him, well, what have you to say for yourself, mr. rogue-enough, hah? give, give me out of hand--an answer. say? quoth panurge; why, what would you have me say? i say that we are damnably beshit, since you give no heed at all to the equity of the plea, and the devil sings among you. let this answer serve for all, i beseech you, and let us go out about our business; i am no longer able to hold out, as gad shall judge me. go to, go to, cried gripe-men-all; when did you ever hear that for these three hundred years last past anybody ever got out of this weel without leaving something of his behind him? no, no, get out of the trap if you can without losing leather, life, or at least some hair, and you will have done more than ever was done yet. for why, this would bring the wisdom of the court into question, as if we had took you up for nothing, and dealt wrongfully by you. well, by hook or by crook, we must have something out of you. look ye, it is a folly to make a rout for a fart and ado; one word is as good as twenty. i have no more to say to thee, but that, as thou likest thy former entertainment, thou wilt tell me more of the next; for it will go ten times worse with thee unless, by gold, you give me--a solution to the riddle i propounded. give, give--it, without any more ado. by gold, quoth panurge, 'tis a black mite or weevil which is born of a white bean, and sallies out at the hole which he makes gnawing it; the mite being turned into a kind of fly, sometimes walks and sometimes flies over hills and dales. now pythagoras, the philosopher, and his sect, besides many others, wondering at its birth in such a place (which makes some argue for equivocal generation), thought that by a metempsychosis the body of that insect was the lodging of a human soul. now, were you men here, after your welcomed death, according to his opinion, your souls would most certainly enter into the body of mites or weevils; for in your present state of life you are good for nothing in the world but to gnaw, bite, eat, and devour all things, so in the next you'll e'en gnaw and devour your mother's very sides, as the vipers do. now, by gold, i think i have fairly solved and resolved your riddle. may my bauble be turned into a nutcracker, quoth friar john, if i could not almost find in my heart to wish that what comes out at my bunghole were beans, that these evil weevils might feed as they deserve. panurge then, without any more ado, threw a large leathern purse stuffed with gold crowns (ecus au soleil) among them. the furred law-cats no sooner heard the jingling of the chink but they all began to bestir their claws, like a parcel of fiddlers running a division; and then fell to't, squimble, squamble, catch that catch can. they all said aloud, these are the fees, these are the gloves; now, this is somewhat like a tansy. oh! 'twas a pretty trial, a sweet trial, a dainty trial. o' my word, they did not starve the cause. these are none of your snivelling forma pauperis's; no, they are noble clients, gentlemen every inch of them. by gold, it is gold, quoth panurge, good old gold, i'll assure you. saith gripe-men-all, the court, upon a full hearing (of the gold, quoth panurge), and weighty reasons given, finds the prisoners not guilty, and accordingly orders them to be discharged out of custody, paying their fees. now, gentlemen, proceed, go forwards, said he to us; we have not so much of the devil in us as we have of his hue; though we are stout, we are merciful. as we came out at the wicket, we were conducted to the port by a detachment of certain highland griffins, scribere cum dashoes, who advised us before we came to our ships not to offer to leave the place until we had made the usual presents, first to the lady gripe-men-all, then to all the furred law-pusses; otherwise we must return to the place from whence we came. well, well, said friar john, we'll fumble in our fobs, examine every one of us his concern, and e'en give the women their due; we'll ne'er boggle or stick out on that account; as we tickled the men in the palm, we'll tickle the women in the right place. pray, gentlemen, added they, don't forget to leave somewhat behind you for us poor devils to drink your healths. o lawd! never fear, answered friar john, i don't remember that i ever went anywhere yet where the poor devils are not remembered and encouraged. chapter 5.xiv. how the furred law-cats live on corruption. friar john had hardly said those words ere he perceived seventy-eight galleys and frigates just arriving at the port. so he hied him thither to learn some news; and as he asked what goods they had o' board, he soon found that their whole cargo was venison, hares, capons, turkeys, pigs, swine, bacon, kids, calves, hens, ducks, teals, geese, and other poultry and wildfowl. he also spied among these some pieces of velvet, satin, and damask. this made him ask the new-comers whither and to whom they were going to carry those dainty goods. they answered that they were for gripe-men-all and the furred law-cats. pray, asked he, what is the true name of all these things in your country language? corruption, they replied. if they live on corruption, said the friar, they will perish with their generation. may the devil be damned, i have it now: their fathers devoured the good gentlemen who, according to their state of life, used to go much a-hunting and hawking, to be the better inured to toil in time of war; for hunting is an image of a martial life, and xenophon was much in the right of it when he affirmed that hunting had yielded a great number of excellent warriors, as well as the trojan horse. for my part, i am no scholar; i have it but by hearsay, yet i believe it. now the souls of those brave fellows, according to gripe-men-all's riddle, after their decease enter into wild boars, stags, roebucks, herns, and such other creatures which they loved, and in quest of which they went while they were men; and these furred law-cats, having first destroyed and devoured their castles, lands, demesnes, possessions, rents, and revenues, are still seeking to have their blood and soul in another life. what an honest fellow was that same mumper who had forewarned us of all these things, and bid us take notice of the mangers above the racks! but, said panurge to the new-comers, how do you come by all this venison? methinks the great king has issued out a proclamation strictly inhibiting the destroying of stags, does, wild boars, roebucks, or other royal game, on pain of death. all this is true enough, answered one for the rest, but the great king is so good and gracious, you must know, and these furred law-cats so curst and cruel, so mad, and thirsting after christian blood, that we have less cause to fear in trespassing against that mighty sovereign's commands than reason to hope to live if we do not continually stop the mouths of these furred law-cats with such bribes and corruption. besides, added he, to-morrow gripe-men-all marries a furred law-puss of his to a high and mighty double-furred law-tybert. formerly we used to call them chop-hay; but alas! they are not such neat creatures now as to eat any, or chew the cud. we call them chop-hares, chop-partridges, chop-woodcocks, chop-pheasants, chop-pullets, chop-venison, chop-coneys, chop-pigs, for they scorn to feed on coarser meat. a t--d for their chops, cried friar john, next year we'll have 'em called chop-dung, chop-stront, chop-filth. would you take my advice? added he to the company. what is it? answered we. let's do two things, returned he. first, let us secure all this venison and wild fowl--i mean, paying well for them; for my part, i am but too much tired already with our salt meat, it heats my flanks so horribly. in the next place, let's go back to the wicket, and destroy all these devilish furred law-cats. for my part, quoth panurge, i know better things; catch me there, and hang me. no, i am somewhat more inclined to be fearful than bold; i love to sleep in a whole skin. chapter 5.xv. how friar john talks of rooting out the furred law-cats. virtue of the frock, quoth friar john, what kind of voyage are we making? a shitten one, o' my word; the devil of anything we do but fizzling, farting, funking, squattering, dozing, raving, and doing nothing. ods-belly, 'tisn't in my nature to lie idle; i mortally hate it. unless i am doing some heroic feat every foot, i can't sleep one wink o' nights. damn it, did you then take me along with you for your chaplain, to sing mass and shrive you? by maundy thursday, the first of ye all that comes to me on such an account shall be fitted; for the only penance i'll enjoin shall be, that he immediately throw himself headlong overboard into the sea like a base cowhearted son of ten fathers. this in deduction of the pains of purgatory. what made hercules such a famous fellow, d'ye think? nothing but that while he travelled he still made it his business to rid the world of tyrannies, errors, dangers, and drudgeries; he still put to death all robbers, all monsters, all venomous serpents and hurtful creatures. why then do we not follow his example, doing as he did in the countries through which we pass? he destroyed the stymphalides, the lernaean hydra, cacus, antheus, the centaurs, and what not; i am no clericus, those that are such tell me so. in imitation of that noble by-blow, let's destroy and root out these wicked furred law-cats, that are a kind of ravenous devils; thus we shall remove all manner of tyranny out of the land. mawmet's tutor swallow me body and soul, tripes and guts, if i would stay to ask your help or advice in the matter were i but as strong as he was. come, he that would be thought a gentleman, let him storm a town; well, then, shall we go? i dare swear we'll do their business for them with a wet finger; they'll bear it, never fear; since they could swallow down more foul language that came from us than ten sows and their babies could swill hogwash. damn 'em, they don't value all the ill words or dishonour in the world at a rush, so they but get the coin into their purses, though they were to have it in a shitten clout. come, we may chance to kill 'em all, as hercules would have done had they lived in his time. we only want to be set to work by another eurystheus, and nothing else for the present, unless it be what i heartily wish them, that jupiter may give 'em a short visit, only some two or three hours long, and walk among their lordships in the same equipage that attended him when he came last to his miss semele, jolly bacchus's mother. 'tis a very great mercy, quoth panurge, that you have got out of their clutches. for my part, i have no stomach to go there again; i'm hardly come to myself yet, so scared and appalled i was. my hair still stands up an end when i think on't; and most damnably troubled i was there, for three very weighty reasons. first, because i was troubled. secondly, because i was troubled. thirdly and lastly, because i was troubled. hearken to me a little on thy right side, friar john, my left cod, since thou'lt not hear at the other. whenever the maggot bites thee to take a trip down to hell and visit the tribunal of minos, aeacus, rhadamanthus, (and dis,) do but tell me, and i'll be sure to bear thee company, and never leave thee as long as my name's panurge, but will wade over acheron, styx, and cocytus, drink whole bumpers of lethe's water--though i mortally hate that element --and even pay thy passage to that bawling, cross-grained ferryman, charon. but as for the damned wicket, if thou art so weary of thy life as to go thither again, thou mayst e'en look for somebody else to bear thee company, for i'll not move one step that way; e'en rest satisfied with this positive answer. by my good will i'll not stir a foot to go thither as long as i live, any more than calpe will come over to abyla (here motteux adds the following note: 'calpe is a mountain in spain that faces another, called abyla, in mauritania, both said to have been severed by hercules.'). was ulysses so mad as to go back into the cyclop's cave to fetch his sword? no, marry was he not. now i have left nothing behind me at the wicket through forgetfulness; why then should i think of going thither? well, quoth friar john, as good sit still as rise up and fall; what cannot be cured must be endured. but, prithee, let's hear one another speak. come, wert thou not a wise doctor to fling away a whole purse of gold on those mangy scoundrels? ha! a squinsy choke thee! we were too rich, were we? had it not been enough to have thrown the hell-hounds a few cropped pieces of white cash? how could i help it? returned panurge. did you not see how gripe-men-all held his gaping velvet pouch, and every moment roared and bellowed, by gold, give me out of hand; by gold, give, give, give me presently? now, thought i to myself, we shall never come off scot-free. i'll e'en stop their mouths with gold, that the wicket may be opened, and we may get out; the sooner the better. and i judged that lousy silver would not do the business; for, d'ye see, velvet pouches do not use to gape for little paltry clipt silver and small cash; no, they are made for gold, my friend john; that they are, my dainty cod. ah! when thou hast been larded, basted, and roasted, as i was, thou wilt hardly talk at this rate, i doubt. but now what is to be done? we are enjoined by them to go forwards. the scabby slabberdegullions still waited for us at the port, expecting to be greased in the fist as well as their masters. now when they perceived that we were ready to put to sea, they came to friar john and begged that we would not forget to gratify the apparitors before we went off, according to the assessment for the fees at our discharge. hell and damnation! cried friar john; are ye here still, ye bloodhounds, ye citing, scribbling imps of satan? rot you, am i not vexed enough already, but you must have the impudence to come and plague me, ye scurvy fly-catchers you? by cob's-body, i'll gratify your ruffianships as you deserve; i'll apparitorize you presently with a wannion, that i will. with this, he lugged out his slashing cutlass, and in a mighty heat came out of the ship to cut the cozening varlets into steaks, but they scampered away and got out of sight in a trice. however, there was somewhat more to do, for some of our sailors, having got leave of pantagruel to go ashore while we were had before gripe-men-all, had been at a tavern near the haven to make much of themselves, and roar it, as seamen will do when they come into some port. now i don't know whether they had paid their reckoning to the full or no, but, however it was, an old fat hostess, meeting friar john on the quay, was making a woeful complaint before a sergeant, son-in-law to one of the furred law-cats, and a brace of bums, his assistants. the friar, who did not much care to be tired with their impertinent prating, said to them, harkee me, ye lubberly gnat-snappers! do ye presume to say that our seamen are not honest men? i'll maintain they are, ye dotterels, and will prove it to your brazen faces, by justice--i mean, this trusty piece of cold iron by my side. with this he lugged it out and flourished with it. the forlorn lobcocks soon showed him their backs, betaking themselves to their heels; but the old fusty landlady kept her ground, swearing like any butter-whore that the tarpaulins were very honest cods, but that they only forgot to pay for the bed on which they had lain after dinner, and she asked fivepence, french money, for the said bed. may i never sup, said the friar, if it be not dog-cheap; they are sorry guests and unkind customers, that they are; they do not know when they have a pennyworth, and will not always meet with such bargains. come, i myself will pay you the money, but i would willingly see it first. the hostess immediately took him home with her, and showed him the bed, and having praised it for all its good qualifications, said that she thought as times went she was not out of the way in asking fivepence for it. friar john then gave her the fivepence; and she no sooner turned her back but he presently began to rip up the ticking of the feather-bed and bolster, and threw all the feathers out at the window. in the meantime the old hag came down and roared out for help, crying out murder to set all the neighbourhood in an uproar. yet she also fell to gathering the feathers that flew up and down in the air, being scattered by the wind. friar john let her bawl on, and, without any further ado, marched off with the blanket, quilt, and both the sheets, which he brought aboard undiscovered, for the air was darkened with the feathers, as it uses sometimes to be with snow. he gave them away to the sailors; then said to pantagruel that beds were much cheaper at that place than in chinnonois, though we have there the famous geese of pautile; for the old beldam had asked him but fivepence for a bed which in chinnonois had been worth about twelve francs. (as soon as friar john and the rest of the company were embarked, pantagruel set sail. but there arose a south-east wind, which blew so vehemently they lost their way, and in a manner going back to the country of the furred law-cats, they entered into a huge gulf, where the sea ran so high and terrible that the shipboy on the top of the mast cried out he again saw the habitation of gripe-men-all; upon which panurge, frightened almost out of his wits, roared out, dear master, in spite of the wind and waves, change your course, and turn the ship's head about. o my friend, let us come no more into that cursed country where i left my purse. so the wind carried them near an island, where however they did not dare at first to land, but entered about a mile off. (motteux omitted this passage altogether in the edition of 1694. it was restored by ozell in the edition of 1738.)) chapter 5.xvi. how pantagruel came to the island of the apedefers, or ignoramuses, with long claws and crooked paws, and of terrible adventures and monsters there. as soon as we had cast anchor and had moored the ship, the pinnace was put over the ship's side and manned by the coxswain's crew. when the good pantagruel had prayed publicly, and given thanks to the lord that had delivered him from so great a danger, he stepped into it with his whole company to go on shore, which was no ways difficult to do, for, as the sea was calm and the winds laid, they soon got to the cliffs. when they were set on shore, epistemon, who was admiring the situation of the place and the strange shape of the rocks, discovered some of the natives. the first he met had on a short purple gown, a doublet cut in panes, like a spanish leather jerkin, half sleeves of satin, and the upper part of them leather, a coif like a black pot tipped with tin. he was a good likely sort of a body, and his name, as we heard afterwards, was double-fee. epistemon asked him how they called those strange craggy rocks and deep valleys. he told them it was a colony brought out of attorneyland, and called process, and that if we forded the river somewhat further beyond the rocks we should come into the island of the apedefers. by the memory of the decretals, said friar john, tell us, i pray you, what you honest men here live on? could not a man take a chirping bottle with you to taste your wine? i can see nothing among you but parchment, ink-horns, and pens. we live on nothing else, returned double-fee; and all who live in this place must come through my hands. how, quoth panurge, are you a shaver, then? do you fleece 'em? ay, ay, their purse, answered double-fee; nothing else. by the foot of pharaoh, cried panurge, the devil a sou will you get of me. however, sweet sir, be so kind as to show an honest man the way to those apedefers, or ignorant people, for i come from the land of the learned, where i did not learn over much. still talking on, they got to the island of the apedefers, for they were soon got over the ford. pantagruel was not a little taken up with admiring the structure and habitation of the people of the place. for they live in a swingeing wine-press, fifty steps up to it. you must know there are some of all sorts, little, great, private, middle-sized, and so forth. you go through a large peristyle, alias a long entry set about with pillars, in which you see, in a kind of landscape, the ruins of almost the whole world, besides so many great robbers' gibbets, so many gallows and racks, that 'tis enough to fright you out of your seven senses. double-fee perceiving that pantagruel was taken up with contemplating those things, let us go further, sir, said he to him; all this is nothing yet. nothing, quotha, cried friar john; by the soul of my overheated codpiece, friend panurge and i here shake and quiver for mere hunger. i had rather be drinking than staring at these ruins. pray come along, sir, said double-fee. he then led us into a little wine-press that lay backwards in a blind corner, and was called pithies in the language of the country. you need not ask whether master john and panurge made much of their sweet selves there; it is enough that i tell you there was no want of bolognia sausages, turkey poots, capons, bustards, malmsey, and all other sorts of good belly-timber, very well dressed. a pimping son of ten fathers, who, for want of a better, did the office of a butler, seeing that friar john had cast a sheep's eye at a choice bottle that stood near a cupboard by itself, at some distance from the rest of the bottellic magazine, like a jack-in-an-office said to pantagruel, sir, i perceive that one of your men here is making love to this bottle. he ogles it, and would fain caress it; but i beg that none offer to meddle with it; for it is reserved for their worships. how, cried panurge, there are some grandees here then, i see. it is vintage time with you, i perceive. then double-fee led us up to a private staircase, and showed us into a room, whence, without being seen, out at a loophole we could see their worships in the great wine-press, where none could be admitted without their leave. their worships, as he called them, were about a score of fusty crack-ropes and gallow-clappers, or rather more, all posted before a bar, and staring at each other like so many dead pigs. their paws were as long as a crane's foot, and their claws four-and-twenty inches long at least; for you must know they are enjoined never to pare off the least chip of them, so that they grow as crooked as a welsh hook or a hedging-bill. we saw a swingeing bunch of grapes that are gathered and squeezed in that country, brought in by them. as soon as it was laid down, they clapped it into the press, and there was not a bit of it out of which each of them did not squeeze some oil of gold; insomuch that the poor grape was tried with a witness, and brought off so drained and picked, and so dry, that there was not the least moisture, juice, or substance left in it; for they had pressed out its very quintessence. double-fee told us they had not often such huge bunches; but, let the worst come to the worst, they were sure never to be without others in their press. but hark you me, master of mine, asked panurge, have they not some of different growth? ay, marry have they, quoth double-fee. do you see here this little bunch, to which they are going to give t'other wrench? it is of tithe-growth, you must know; they crushed, wrung, squeezed and strained out the very heart's blood of it but the other day; but it did not bleed freely; the oil came hard, and smelt of the priest's chest; so that they found there was not much good to be got out of it. why then, said pantagruel, do they put it again into the press? only, answered double-fee, for fear there should still lurk some juice among the husks and hullings in the mother of the grape. the devil be damned! cried friar john; do you call these same folks illiterate lobcocks and duncical doddipolls? may i be broiled like a red herring if i do not think they are wise enough to skin a flint and draw oil out of a brick wall. so they are, said double-fee; for they sometimes put castles, parks, and forests into the press, and out of them all extract aurum potabile. you mean portabile, i suppose, cried epistemon, such as may be borne. i mean as i said, replied double-fee, potabile, such as may be drunk; for it makes them drink many a good bottle more than otherwise they should. but i cannot better satisfy you as to the growth of the vine-tree sirup that is here squeezed out of grapes, than in desiring you to look yonder in that back-yard, where you will see above a thousand different growths that lie waiting to be squeezed every moment. here are some of the public and some of the private growth; some of the builders' fortifications, loans, gifts, and gratuities, escheats, forfeitures, fines, and recoveries, penal statutes, crown lands, and demesne, privy purse, post-offices, offerings, lordships of manors, and a world of other growths, for which we want names. pray, quoth epistemon, tell me of what growth is that great one, with all those little grapelings about it. oh, oh! returned double-fee, that plump one is of the treasury, the very best growth in the whole country. whenever anyone of that growth is squeezed, there is not one of their worships but gets juice enough of it to soak his nose six months together. when their worships were up, pantagruel desired double-fee to take us into that great wine-press, which he readily did. as soon as we were in, epistemon, who understood all sorts of tongues, began to show us many devices on the press, which was large and fine, and made of the wood of the cross--at least double-fee told us so. on each part of it were names of everything in the language of the country. the spindle of the press was called receipt; the trough, cost and damages; the hole for the vice-pin, state; the side-boards, money paid into the office; the great beam, respite of homage; the branches, radietur; the side-beams, recuperetur; the fats, ignoramus; the two-handled basket, the rolls; the treading-place, acquittance; the dossers, validation; the panniers, authentic decrees; the pailes, potentials; the funnels, quietus est. by the queen of the chitterlings, quoth panurge, all the hieroglyphics of egypt are mine a-to this jargon. why! here are a parcel of words full as analogous as chalk and cheese, or a cat and a cart-wheel! but why, prithee, dear double-fee, do they call these worshipful dons of yours ignorant fellows? only, said double-fee, because they neither are, nor ought to be, clerks, and all must be ignorant as to what they transact here; nor is there to be any other reason given, but, the court hath said it; the court will have it so; the court has decreed it. cop's body, quoth pantagruel, they might full as well have called 'em necessity; for necessity has no law. from thence, as he was leading us to see a thousand little puny presses, we spied another paltry bar, about which sat four are five ignorant waspish churls, of so testy, fuming a temper, (like an ass with squibs and crackers tied to its tail,) and so ready to take pepper in the nose for yea and nay, that a dog would not have lived with 'em. they were hard at it with the lees and dregs of the grapes, which they gripped over and over again, might and main, with their clenched fists. they were called contractors in the language of the country. these are the ugliest, misshapen, grim-looking scrubs, said friar john, that ever were beheld, with or without spectacles. then we passed by an infinite number of little pimping wine-presses all full of vintage-mongers, who were picking, examining, and raking the grapes with some instruments called bills-of-charge. finally we came into a hall downstairs, where we saw an overgrown cursed mangy cur with a pair of heads, a wolf's belly, and claws like the devil of hell. the son of a bitch was fed with costs, for he lived on a multiplicity of fine amonds and amerciaments by order of their worships, to each of whom the monster was worth more than the best farm in the land. in their tongue of ignorance they called him twofold. his dam lay by him, and her hair and shape was like her whelp's, only she had four heads, two male and two female, and her name was fourfold. she was certainly the most cursed and dangerous creature of the place, except her grandam, which we saw, and had been kept locked up in a dungeon time out of mind, and her name was refusing-of-fees. friar john, who had always twenty yards of gut ready empty to swallow a gallimaufry of lawyers, began to be somewhat out of humour, and desired pantagruel to remember he had not dined, and bring double-fee along with him. so away we went, and as we marched out at the back-gate whom should we meet but an old piece of mortality in chains. he was half ignorant and half learned, like an hermaphrodite of satan. the fellow was all caparisoned with spectacles as a tortoise is with shells, and lived on nothing but a sort of food which, in their gibberish, was called appeals. pantagruel asked double-fee of what breed was that prothonotary, and what name they gave him. double-fee told us that time out of mind he had been kept there in chains, to the great grief of their worships, who starved him, and his name was review. by the pope's sanctified two-pounders, cried friar john, i do not much wonder at the meagre cheer which this old chuff finds among their worships. do but look a little on the weather-beaten scratch-toby, friend panurge; by the sacred tip of my cowl, i'll lay five pounds to a hazel-nut the foul thief has the very looks of gripe-me-now. these same fellows here, ignorant as they be, are as sharp and knowing as other folk. but were it my case, i would send him packing with a squib in his breech like a rogue as he is. by my oriental barnacles, quoth panurge, honest friar, thou art in the right; for if we but examine that treacherous review's ill-favoured phiz, we find that the filthy snudge is yet more mischievous and ignorant than these ignorant wretches here, since they (honest dunces) grapple and glean with as little harm and pother as they can, without any long fiddle-cum-farts or tantalizing in the case; nor do they dally and demur in your suit, but in two or three words, whip-stitch, in a trice, they finish the vintage of the close, bating you all these damned tedious interlocutories, examinations, and appointments which fret to the heart's blood your furred law-cats. chapter 5.xvii. how we went forwards, and how panurge had like to have been killed. we put to sea that very moment, steering our course forwards, and gave pantagruel a full account of our adventures, which so deeply struck him with compassion that he wrote some elegies on that subject to divert himself during the voyage. when we were safe in the port we took some refreshment, and took in fresh water and wood. the people of the place, who had the countenance of jolly fellows and boon companions, were all of them forward folks, bloated and puffed up with fat. and we saw some who slashed and pinked their skins to open a passage to the fat, that it might swell out at the slits and gashes which they made; neither more nor less than the shit-breech fellows in our country bepink and cut open their breeches that the taffety on the inside may stand out and be puffed up. they said that what they did was not out of pride or ostentation, but because otherwise their skins would not hold them without much pain. having thus slashed their skin, they used to grow much bigger, like the young trees on whose barks the gardeners make incisions that they may grow the better. near the haven there was a tavern, which forwards seemed very fine and stately. we repaired thither, and found it filled with people of the forward nation, of all ages, sexes, and conditions; so that we thought some notable feast or other was getting ready, but we were told that all that throng were invited to the bursting of mine host, which caused all his friends and relations to hasten thither. we did not understand that jargon, and therefore thought in that country by that bursting they meant some merry meeting or other, as we do in ours by betrothing, wedding, groaning, christening, churching (of women), shearing (of sheep), reaping (of corn, or harvest-home), and many other junketting bouts that end in -ing. but we soon heard that there was no such matter in hand. the master of the house, you must know, had been a good fellow in his time, loved heartily to wind up his bottom, to bang the pitcher, and lick his dish. he used to be a very fair swallower of gravy soup, a notable accountant in matter of hours, and his whole life was one continual dinner, like mine host at rouillac (in perigord). but now, having farted out much fat for ten years together, according to the custom of the country, he was drawing towards his bursting hour; for neither the inner thin kell wherewith the entrails are covered, nor his skin that had been jagged and mangled so many years, were able to hold and enclose his guts any longer, or hinder them from forcing their way out. pray, quoth panurge, is there no remedy, no help for the poor man, good people? why don't you swaddle him round with good tight girths, or secure his natural tub with a strong sorb-apple-tree hoop? nay, why don't you iron-bind him, if needs be? this would keep the man from flying out and bursting. the word was not yet out of his mouth when we heard something give a loud report, as if a huge sturdy oak had been split in two. then some of the neighbours told us that the bursting was over, and that the clap or crack which we heard was the last fart, and so there was an end of mine host. this made me call to mind a saying of the venerable abbot of castilliers, the very same who never cared to hump his chambermaids but when he was in pontificalibus. that pious person, being much dunned, teased, and importuned by his relations to resign his abbey in his old age, said and professed that he would not strip till he was ready to go to bed, and that the last fart which his reverend paternity was to utter should be the fart of an abbot. chapter 5.xviii. how our ships were stranded, and we were relieved by some people that were subject to queen whims (qui tenoient de la quinte). we weighed and set sail with a merry westerly gale. when about seven leagues off (twenty-two miles) some gusts or scuds of wind suddenly arose, and the wind veering and shifting from point to point, was, as they say, like an old woman's breech, at no certainty; so we first got our starboard tacks aboard, and hauled off our lee-sheets. then the gusts increased, and by fits blowed all at once from several quarters, yet we neither settled nor braided up close our sails, but only let fly the sheets, not to go against the master of the ship's direction; and thus having let go amain, lest we should spend our topsails, or the ship's quick-side should lie in the water and she be overset, we lay by and run adrift; that is, in a landloper's phrase, we temporized it. for he assured us that, as these gusts and whirlwinds would not do us much good, so they could not do us much harm, considering their easiness and pleasant strife, as also the clearness of the sky and calmness of the current. so that we were to observe the philosopher's rule, bear and forbear; that is, trim, or go according to the time. however, these whirlwinds and gusts lasted so long that we persuaded the master to let us go and lie at trie with our main course; that is, to haul the tack aboard, the sheet close aft, the bowline set up, and the helm tied close aboard; so, after a stormy gale of wind, we broke through the whirlwind. but it was like falling into scylla to avoid charybdis (out of the frying-pan into the fire). for we had not sailed a league ere our ships were stranded upon some sands such as are the flats of st. maixent. all our company seemed mightily disturbed except friar john, who was not a jot daunted, and with sweet sugar-plum words comforted now one and then another, giving them hopes of speedy assistance from above, and telling them that he had seen castor at the main-yardarm. oh! that i were but now ashore, cried panurge, that is all i wish for myself at present, and that you who like the sea so well had each man of you two hundred thousand crowns. i would fairly let you set up shop on these sands, and would get a fat calf dressed and a hundred of faggots (i.e. bottles of wine) cooled for you against you come ashore. i freely consent never to mount a wife, so you but set me ashore and mount me on a horse, that i may go home. no matter for a servant, i will be contented to serve myself; i am never better treated than when i am without a man. faith, old plautus was in the right on't when he said the more servants the more crosses; for such they are, even supposing they could want what they all have but too much of, a tongue, that most busy, dangerous, and pernicious member of servants. accordingly, 'twas for their sakes alone that the racks and tortures for confession were invented, though some foreign civilians in our time have drawn alogical and unreasonable consequences from it. that very moment we spied a sail that made towards us. when it was close by us, we soon knew what was the lading of the ship and who was aboard of her. she was full freighted with drums. i was acquainted with many of the passengers that came in her, who were most of 'em of good families; among the rest harry cotiral, an old toast, who had got a swinging ass's touch-tripe (penis) fastened to his waist, as the good women's beads are to their girdle. in his left hand he held an old overgrown greasy foul cap, such as your scald-pated fellows wear, and in the right a huge cabbage-stump. as soon as he saw me he was overjoyed, and bawled out to me, what cheer, ho? how dost like me now? behold the true algamana (this he said showing me the ass's tickle-gizzard). this doctor's cap is my true elixir; and this (continued he, shaking the cabbage-stump in his fist) is lunaria major, you old noddy. i have 'em, old boy, i have 'em; we'll make 'em when thou'rt come back. but pray, father, said i, whence come you? whither are you bound? what's your lading? have you smelt the salt deep? to these four questions he answered, from queen whims; for touraine; alchemy; to the very bottom. whom have you got o' board? said i. said he, astrologers, fortune-tellers, alchemists, rhymers, poets, painters, projectors, mathematicians, watchmakers, sing-songs, musicianers, and the devil and all of others that are subject to queen whims (motteux gives the following footnote:--'la quinte, this means a fantastic humour, maggots, or a foolish giddiness of brains; and also, a fifth, or the proportion of five in music, &c.'). they have very fair legible patents to show for't, as anybody may see. panurge had no sooner heard this but he was upon the high-rope, and began to rail at them like mad. what o' devil d'ye mean, cried he, to sit idly here like a pack of loitering sneaksbies, and see us stranded, while you may help us, and tow us off into the current? a plague o' your whims! you can make all things whatsoever, they say, so much as good weather and little children; yet won't make haste to fasten some hawsers and cables, and get us off. i was just coming to set you afloat, quoth harry cotiral; by trismegistus, i'll clear you in a trice. with this he caused 7,532,810 huge drums to be unheaded on one side, and set that open side so that it faced the end of the streamers and pendants; and having fastened them to good tacklings and our ship's head to the stern of theirs, with cables fastened to the bits abaft the manger in the ship's loof, they towed us off ground at one pull so easily and pleasantly that you'd have wondered at it had you been there. for the dub-a-dub rattling of the drums, with the soft noise of the gravel which murmuring disputed us our way, and the merry cheers and huzzas of the sailors, made an harmony almost as good as that of the heavenly bodies when they roll and are whirled round their spheres, which rattling of the celestial wheels plato said he heard some nights in his sleep. we scorned to be behindhand with 'em in civility, and gratefully gave 'em store of our sausages and chitterlings, with which we filled their drums; and we were just a-hoisting two-and-sixty hogsheads of wine out of the hold, when two huge whirlpools with great fury made towards their ship, spouting more water than is in the river vienne (vigenne) from chinon to saumur; to make short, all their drums, all their sails, their concerns, and themselves were soused, and their very hose were watered by the collar. panurge was so overjoyed, seeing this, and laughed so heartily, that he was forced to hold his sides, and it set him into a fit of the colic for two hours and more. i had a mind, quoth he, to make the dogs drink, and those honest whirlpools, egad, have saved me that labour and that cost. there's sauce for them; ariston men udor. water is good, saith a poet; let 'em pindarize upon't. they never cared for fresh water but to wash their hands or their glasses. this good salt water will stand 'em in good stead for want of sal ammoniac and nitre in geber's kitchen. we could not hold any further discourse with 'em; for the former whirlwind hindered our ship from feeling the helm. the pilot advised us henceforwards to let her run adrift and follow the stream, not busying ourselves with anything, but making much of our carcasses. for our only way to arrive safe at the queendom of whims was to trust to the whirlwind and be led by the current. chapter 5.xix. how we arrived at the queendom of whims or entelechy. we did as he directed us for about twelve hours, and on the third day the sky seemed to us somewhat clearer, and we happily arrived at the port of mateotechny, not far distant from queen whims, alias the quintessence. we met full butt on the quay a great number of guards and other military men that garrisoned the arsenal, and we were somewhat frighted at first because they made us all lay down our arms, and in a haughty manner asked us whence we came. cousin, quoth panurge to him that asked the question, we are of touraine, and come from france, being ambitious of paying our respects to the lady quintessence and visit this famous realm of entelechy. what do you say? cried they; do you call it entelechy or endelechy? truly, truly, sweet cousins, quoth panurge, we are a silly sort of grout-headed lobcocks, an't please you; be so kind as to forgive us if we chance to knock words out of joint. as for anything else, we are downright honest fellows and true hearts. we have not asked you this question without a cause, said they; for a great number of others who have passed this way from your country of touraine seemed as mere jolt-headed doddipolls as ever were scored o'er the coxcomb, yet spoke as correct as other folks. but there has been here from other countries a pack of i know not what overweening self-conceited prigs, as moody as so many mules and as stout as any scotch lairds, and nothing would serve these, forsooth, but they must wilfully wrangle and stand out against us at their coming; and much they got by it after all. troth, we e'en fitted them and clawed 'em off with a vengeance, for all they looked so big and so grum. pray tell me, does your time lie so heavy upon you in your world that you do not know how to bestow it better than in thus impudently talking, disputing, and writing of our sovereign lady? there was much need that your tully, the consul, should go and leave the care of his commonwealth to busy himself idly about her; and after him your diogenes laertius, the biographer, and your theodorus gaza, the philosopher, and your argiropilus, the emperor, and your bessario, the cardinal, and your politian, the pedant, and your budaeus, the judge, and your lascaris, the ambassador, and the devil and all of those you call lovers of wisdom; whose number, it seems, was not thought great enough already, but lately your scaliger, bigot, chambrier, francis fleury, and i cannot tell how many such other junior sneaking fly-blows must take upon 'em to increase it. a squinsy gripe the cod's-headed changelings at the swallow and eke at the cover-weasel; we shall make 'em--but the deuce take 'em! (they flatter the devil here, and smoothify his name, quoth panurge, between his teeth.) you don't come here, continued the captain, to uphold 'em in their folly; you have no commission from 'em to this effect; well then, we will talk no more on't. aristotle, that first of men and peerless pattern of all philosophy, was our sovereign lady's godfather, and wisely and properly gave her the name of entelechy. her true name then is entelechy, and may he be in tail beshit, and entail a shit-a-bed faculty and nothing else on his family, who dares call her by any other name; for whoever he is, he does her wrong, and is a very impudent person. you are heartily welcome, gentlemen. with this they colled and clipped us about the neck, which was no small comfort to us, i'll assure you. panurge then whispered me, fellow-traveller, quoth he, hast thou not been somewhat afraid this bout? a little, said i. to tell you the truth of it, quoth he, never were the ephraimites in a greater fear and quandary when the gileadites killed and drowned them for saying sibboleth instead of shibboleth; and among friends, let me tell you that perhaps there is not a man in the whole country of beauce but might easily have stopped my bunghole with a cartload of hay. the captain afterwards took us to the queen's palace, leading us silently with great formality. pantagruel would have said something to him, but the other, not being able to come up to his height, wished for a ladder or a very long pair of stilts; then said, patience, if it were our sovereign lady's will, we would be as tall as you; well, we shall when she pleases. in the first galleries we saw great numbers of sick persons, differently placed according to their maladies. the leprous were apart; those that were poisoned on one side; those that had got the plague on another; those that had the pox in the first rank, and the rest accordingly. chapter 5.xx. how the quintessence cured the sick with a song. the captain showed us the queen, attended with her ladies and gentlemen, in the second gallery. she looked young, though she was at least eighteen hundred years old, and was handsome, slender, and as fine as a queen, that is, as hands could make her. he then said to us: it is not yet a fit time to speak to the queen; be you but mindful of her doings in the meanwhile. you have kings in your world that fantastically pretend to cure some certain diseases, as, for example, scrofula or wens, swelled throats, nicknamed the king's evil, and quartan agues, only with a touch; now our queen cures all manner of diseases without so much as touching the sick, but barely with a song, according to the nature of the distemper. he then showed us a set of organs, and said that when it was touched by her those miraculous cures were performed. the organ was indeed the strangest that ever eyes beheld; for the pipes were of cassia fistula in the cod; the top and cornice of guiacum; the bellows of rhubarb; the pedas of turbith, and the clavier or keys of scammony. while we were examining this wonderful new make of an organ, the leprous were brought in by her abstractors, spodizators, masticators, pregustics, tabachins, chachanins, neemanins, rabrebans, nercins, rozuins, nebidins, tearins, segamions, perarons, chasinins, sarins, soteins, aboth, enilins, archasdarpenins, mebins, chabourins, and other officers, for whom i want names; so she played 'em i don't know what sort of a tune or song, and they were all immediately cured. then those who were poisoned were had in, and she had no sooner given them a song but they began to find a use for their legs, and up they got. then came on the deaf, the blind, and the dumb, and they too were restored to their lost faculties and senses with the same remedy; which did so strangely amaze us (and not without reason, i think) that down we fell on our faces, remaining prostrate, like men ravished in ecstasy, and were not able to utter one word through the excess of our admiration, till she came, and having touched pantagruel with a fine fragrant nosegay of white roses which she held in her hand, thus made us recover our senses and get up. then she made us the following speech in byssin words, such as parisatis desired should be spoken to her son cyrus, or at least of crimson alamode: the probity that scintillizes in the superfices of your persons informs my ratiocinating faculty, in a most stupendous manner, of the radiant virtues latent within the precious caskets and ventricles of your minds. for, contemplating the mellifluous suavity of your thrice discreet reverences, it is impossible not to be persuaded with facility that neither your affections nor your intellects are vitiated with any defect or privation of liberal and exalted sciences. far from it, all must judge that in you are lodged a cornucopia and encyclopaedia, an unmeasurable profundity of knowledge in the most peregrine and sublime disciplines, so frequently the admiration, and so rarely the concomitants of the imperite vulgar. this gently compels me, who in preceding times indefatigably kept my private affections absolutely subjugated, to condescend to make my application to you in the trivial phrase of the plebeian world, and assure you that you are well, more than most heartily welcome. i have no hand at making of speeches, quoth panurge to me privately; prithee, man, make answer to her for us, if thou canst. this would not work with me, however; neither did pantagruel return a word. so that queen whims, or queen quintessence (which you please), perceiving that we stood as mute as fishes, said: your taciturnity speaks you not only disciples of pythagoras, from whom the venerable antiquity of my progenitors in successive propagation was emaned and derives its original, but also discovers, that through the revolution of many retrograde moons, you have in egypt pressed the extremities of your fingers with the hard tenants of your mouths, and scalptized your heads with frequent applications of your unguicules. in the school of pythagoras, taciturnity was the symbol of abstracted and superlative knowledge, and the silence of the egyptians was agnited as an expressive manner of divine adoration; this caused the pontiffs of hierapolis to sacrifice to the great deity in silence, impercussively, without any vociferous or obstreperous sound. my design is not to enter into a privation of gratitude towards you, but by a vivacious formality, though matter were to abstract itself from me, excentricate to you my cogitations. having spoken this, she only said to her officers, tabachins, a panacea; and straight they desired us not to take it amiss if the queen did not invite us to dine with her; for she never ate anything at dinner but some categories, jecabots, emnins, dimions, abstractions, harborins, chelemins, second intentions, carradoths, antitheses, metempsychoses, transcendent prolepsies, and such other light food. then they took us into a little closet lined through with alarums, where we were treated god knows how. it is said that jupiter writes whatever is transacted in the world on the dipthera or skin of the amalthaean goat that suckled him in crete, which pelt served him instead of a shield against the titans, whence he was nicknamed aegiochos. now, as i hate to drink water, brother topers, i protest it would be impossible to make eighteen goatskins hold the description of all the good meat they brought before us, though it were written in characters as small as those in which were penned homer's iliads, which tully tells us he saw enclosed in a nutshell. for my part, had i one hundred mouths, as many tongues, a voice of iron, a heart of oak, and lungs of leather, together with the mellifluous abundance of plato, yet i never could give you a full account of a third part of a second of the whole. pantagruel was telling me that he believed the queen had given the symbolic word used among her subjects to denote sovereign good cheer, when she said to her tabachins, a panacea; just as lucullus used to say, in apollo, when he designed to give his friends a singular treat; though sometimes they took him at unawares, as, among the rest, cicero and hortensius sometimes used to do. chapter 5.xxi. how the queen passed her time after dinner. when we had dined, a chachanin led us into the queen's hall, and there we saw how, after dinner, with the ladies and the princes of her court, she used to sift, searce, bolt, range, and pass away time with a fine large white and blue silk sieve. we also perceived how they revived ancient sports, diverting themselves together at-1. cordax. 6. phrygia. 11. monogas. 2. emmelia. 7. thracia. 12. terminalia. 3. sicinnia. 8. calabrisme. 13. floralia. 4. jambics. 9. molossia. 14. pyrrhice. 5. persica. 10. cernophorum. 15. (nicatism.) and a thousand other dances. (motteux has the following footnote:--'1. a sort of country-dance. 2. a still tragic dance. 3. dancing and singing used at funerals. 4. cutting sarcasms and lampoons. 5. the persian dance. 6. tunes, whose measure inspired men with a kind of divine fury. 7. the thracian movement. 8. smutty verses. 9. a measure to which the molossi of epirus danced a certain morrice. 10. a dance with bowls or pots in their hands. 11. a song where one sings alone. 12. sports at the holidays of the god of bounds. 13. dancing naked at flora's holidays. 14. the trojan dance in armour.') afterwards she gave orders that they should show us the apartments and curiosities in her palace. accordingly we saw there such new, strange, and wonderful things, that i am still ravished in admiration every time i think of't. however, nothing surprised us more than what was done by the gentlemen of her household, abstractors, parazons, nebidins, spodizators, and others, who freely and without the least dissembling told us that the queen their mistress did all impossible things, and cured men of incurable diseases; and they, her officers, used to do the rest. i saw there a young parazon cure many of the new consumption, i mean the pox, though they were never so peppered. had it been the rankest roan ague (anglice, the covent-garden gout), 'twas all one to him; touching only their dentiform vertebrae thrice with a piece of a wooden shoe, he made them as wholesome as so many sucking-pigs. another did thoroughly cure folks of dropsies, tympanies, ascites, and hyposarcides, striking them on the belly nine times with a tenedian hatchet, without any solution of the continuum. another cured all manner of fevers and agues on the spot, only with hanging a fox-tail on the left side of the patient's girdle. one removed the toothache only with washing thrice the root of the aching tooth with elder-vinegar, and letting it dry half-an-hour in the sun. another the gout, whether hot or cold, natural or accidental, by barely making the gouty person shut his mouth and open his eyes. i saw another ease nine gentlemen of st. francis's distemper ('a consumption in the pocket, or want of money; those of st. francis's order must carry none about 'em.'--motteux.) in a very short space of time, having clapped a rope about their necks, at the end of which hung a box with ten thousand gold crowns in't. one with a wonderful engine threw the houses out at the windows, by which means they were purged of all pestilential air. another cured all the three kinds of hectics, the tabid, atrophes, and emaciated, without bathing, tabian milk, dropax, alias depilatory, or other such medicaments, only turning the consumptive for three months into monks; and he assured me that if they did not grow fat and plump in a monastic way of living, they never would be fattened in this world, either by nature or by art. i saw another surrounded with a crowd of two sorts of women. some were young, quaint, clever, neat, pretty, juicy, tight, brisk, buxom, proper, kind-hearted, and as right as my leg, to any man's thinking. the rest were old, weather-beaten, over-ridden, toothless, blear-eyed, tough, wrinkled, shrivelled, tawny, mouldy, phthisicky, decrepit hags, beldams, and walking carcasses. we were told that his office was to cast anew those she-pieces of antiquity, and make them such as the pretty creatures whom we saw, who had been made young again that day, recovering at once the beauty, shape, size, and disposition which they enjoyed at sixteen; except their heels, that were now much shorter than in their former youth. this made them yet more apt to fall backwards whenever any man happened to touch 'em, than they had been before. as for their counterparts, the old mother-scratch-tobies, they most devoutly waited for the blessed hour when the batch that was in the oven was to be drawn, that they might have their turns, and in a mighty haste they were pulling and hauling the man like mad, telling him that 'tis the most grievous and intolerable thing in nature for the tail to be on fire and the head to scare away those who should quench it. the officer had his hands full, never wanting patients; neither did his place bring him in little, you may swear. pantagruel asked him whether he could also make old men young again. he said he could not. but the way to make them new men was to get 'em to cohabit with a new-cast female; for this they caught that fifth kind of crinckams, which some call pellade, in greek, ophiasis, that makes them cast off their old hair and skin, just as the serpents do, and thus their youth is renewed like the arabian phoenix's. this is the true fountain of youth, for there the old and decrepit become young, active, and lusty. just so, as euripides tells us, iolaus was transmogrified; and thus phaon, for whom kind-hearted sappho run wild, grew young again, for venus's use; so tithon by aurora's means; so aeson by medea, and jason also, who, if you'll believe pherecides and simonides, was new-vamped and dyed by that witch; and so were the nurses of jolly bacchus, and their husbands, as aeschylus relates. chapter 5.xxii. how queen whims' officers were employed; and how the said lady retained us among her abstractors. i then saw a great number of the queen's officers, who made blackamoors white as fast as hops, just rubbing their bellies with the bottom of a pannier. others, with three couples of foxes in one yoke, ploughed a sandy shore, and did not lose their seed. others washed burnt tiles, and made them lose their colour. others extracted water out of pumice-stones, braying them a good while in a mortar, and changed their substance. others sheared asses, and thus got long fleece wool. others gathered barberries and figs off of thistles. others stroked he-goats by the dugs, and saved their milk in a sieve; and much they got by it. (others washed asses' heads without losing their soap.) others taught cows to dance, and did not lose their fiddling. others pitched nets to catch the wind, and took cock-lobsters in them. i saw a spodizator, who very artificially got farts out of a dead ass, and sold 'em for fivepence an ell. another did putrefy beetles. o the dainty food! poor panurge fairly cast up his accounts, and gave up his halfpenny (i.e. vomited), seeing an archasdarpenin who laid a huge plenty of chamber lye to putrefy in horsedung, mishmashed with abundance of christian sir-reverence. pugh, fie upon him, nasty dog! however, he told us that with this sacred distillation he watered kings and princes, and made their sweet lives a fathom or two the longer. others built churches to jump over the steeples. others set carts before the horses, and began to flay eels at the tail; neither did the eels cry before they were hurt, like those of melun. others out of nothing made great things, and made great things return to nothing. others cut fire into steaks with a knife, and drew water with a fish-net. others made chalk of cheese, and honey of a dog's t--d. we saw a knot of others, about a baker's dozen in number, tippling under an arbour. they toped out of jolly bottomless cups four sorts of cool, sparkling, pure, delicious, vine-tree sirup, which went down like mother's milk; and healths and bumpers flew about like lightning. we were told that these true philosophers were fairly multiplying the stars by drinking till the seven were fourteen, as brawny hercules did with atlas. others made a virtue of necessity, and the best of a bad market, which seemed to me a very good piece of work. others made alchemy (i.e. sir-reverence) with their teeth, and clapping their hind retort to the recipient, made scurvy faces, and then squeezed. others, in a large grass plot, exactly measured how far the fleas could go at a hop, a step, and jump; and told us that this was exceedingly useful for the ruling of kingdoms, the conduct of armies, and the administration of commonwealths; and that socrates, who first got philosophy out of heaven, and from idling and trifling made it profitable and of moment, used to spend half his philosophizing time in measuring the leaps of fleas, as aristophanes the quintessential affirms. i saw two gibroins by themselves keeping watch on the top of a tower, and we were told they guarded the moon from the wolves. in a blind corner i met four more very hot at it, and ready to go to loggerheads. i asked what was the cause of the stir and ado, the mighty coil and pother they made. and i heard that for four livelong days those overwise roisters had been at it ding-dong, disputing on three high, more than metaphysical propositions, promising themselves mountains of gold by solving them. the first was concerning a he-ass's shadow; the second, of the smoke of a lantern; and the third of goat's hair, whether it were wool or no. we heard that they did not think it a bit strange that two contradictions in mode, form, figure, and time should be true; though i will warrant the sophists of paris had rather be unchristened than own so much. while we were admiring all those men's wonderful doings, the evening star already twinkling, the queen (god bless her!) appeared, attended with her court, and again amazed and dazzled us. she perceived it, and said to us: what occasions the aberrations of human cogitations through the perplexing labyrinths and abysses of admiration, is not the source of the effects, which sagacious mortals visibly experience to be the consequential result of natural causes. 'tis the novelty of the experiment which makes impressions on their conceptive, cogitative faculties; that do not previse the facility of the operation adequately, with a subact and sedate intellection, associated with diligent and congruous study. consequently let all manner of perturbation abdicate the ventricles of your brains, if anyone has invaded them while they were contemplating what is transacted by my domestic ministers. be spectators and auditors of every particular phenomenon and every individual proposition within the extent of my mansion; satiate yourselves with all that can fall here under the consideration of your visual or auscultating powers, and thus emancipate yourselves from the servitude of crassous ignorance. and that you may be induced to apprehend how sincerely i desire this in consideration of the studious cupidity that so demonstratively emicates at your external organs, from this present particle of time i retain you as my abstractors. geber, my principal tabachin, shall register and initiate you at your departing. we humbly thanked her queenship without saying a word, accepting of the noble office she conferred on us. chapter 5.xxiii. how the queen was served at dinner, and of her way of eating. queen whims after this said to her gentlemen: the orifice of the ventricle, that ordinary embassador for the alimentation of all members, whether superior or inferior, importunes us to restore, by the apposition of idoneous sustenance, what was dissipated by the internal calidity's action on the radical humidity. therefore spodizators, gesinins, memains, and parazons, be not culpable of dilatory protractions in the apposition of every re-roborating species, but rather let them pullulate and superabound on the tables. as for you, nobilissim praegustators, and my gentilissim masticators, your frequently experimented industry, internected with perdiligent sedulity and sedulous perdiligence, continually adjuvates you to perficiate all things in so expeditious a manner that there is no necessity of exciting in you a cupidity to consummate them. therefore i can only suggest to you still to operate as you are assuefacted indefatigably to operate. having made this fine speech, she retired for a while with part of her women, and we were told that 'twas to bathe, as the ancients did more commonly than we use nowadays to wash our hands before we eat. the tables were soon placed, the cloth spread, and then the queen sat down. she ate nothing but celestial ambrosia, and drank nothing but divine nectar. as for the lords and ladies that were there, they, as well as we, fared on as rare, costly, and dainty dishes as ever apicius wot or dreamed of in his life. when we were as round as hoops, and as full as eggs, with stuffing the gut, an olla podrida ('some call it an olio. rabelais pot-pourry.'--motteux.) was set before us to force hunger to come to terms with us, in case it had not granted us a truce; and such a huge vast thing it was that the plate which pythius althius gave king darius would hardly have covered it. the olla consisted of several sorts of pottages, salads, fricassees, saugrenees, cabirotadoes, roast and boiled meat, carbonadoes, swingeing pieces of powdered beef, good old hams, dainty somates, cakes, tarts, a world of curds after the moorish way, fresh cheese, jellies, and fruit of all sorts. all this seemed to me good and dainty; however, the sight of it made me sigh; for alas! i could not taste a bit on't, so full i had filled my puddings before, and a bellyful is a bellyful you know. yet i must tell you what i saw that seemed to me odd enough o' conscience; 'twas some pasties in paste; and what should those pasties in paste be, d'ye think, but pasties in pots? at the bottom i perceived store of dice, cards, tarots ('great cards on which many different things are figured.' --motteux.), luettes ('pieces of ivory to play withal.'--motteux.), chessmen, and chequers, besides full bowls of gold crowns, for those who had a mind to have a game or two and try their chance. under this i saw a jolly company of mules in stately trappings, with velvet footcloths, and a troop of ambling nags, some for men and some for women; besides i don't know how many litters all lined with velvet, and some coaches of ferrara make; all this for those who had a mind to take the air. this did not seem strange to me; but if anything did 'twas certainly the queen's way of eating, and truly 'twas very new, and very odd; for she chewed nothing, the good lady; not but that she had good sound teeth, and her meat required to be masticated, but such was her highness's custom. when her praegustators had tasted the meat, her masticators took it and chewed it most nobly; for their dainty chops and gullets were lined through with crimson satin, with little welts and gold purls, and their teeth were of delicate white ivory. thus, when they had chewed the meat ready for her highness's maw, they poured it down her throat through a funnel of fine gold, and so on to her craw. for that reason they told us she never visited a close-stool but by proxy. chapter 5.xxiv. how there was a ball in the manner of a tournament, at which queen whims was present. after supper there was a ball in the form of a tilt or a tournament, not only worth seeing, but also never to be forgotten. first, the floor of the hall was covered with a large piece of velveted white and yellow chequered tapestry, each chequer exactly square, and three full spans in breadth. then thirty-two young persons came into the hall; sixteen of them arrayed in cloth of gold, and of these eight were young nymphs such as the ancients described diana's attendants; the other eight were a king, a queen, two wardens of the castle, two knights, and two archers. those of the other band were clad in cloth of silver. they posted themselves on the tapestry in the following manner: the kings on the last line on the fourth square; so that the golden king was on a white square, and the silvered king on a yellow square, and each queen by her king; the golden queen on a yellow square, and the silvered queen on a white one: and on each side stood the archers to guide their kings and queens; by the archers the knights, and the wardens by them. in the next row before 'em stood the eight nymphs; and between the two bands of nymphs four rows of squares stood empty. each band had its musicians, eight on each side, dressed in its livery; the one with orange-coloured damask, the other with white; and all played on different instruments most melodiously and harmoniously, still varying in time and measure as the figure of the dance required. this seemed to me an admirable thing, considering the numerous diversity of steps, back-steps, bounds, rebounds, jerks, paces, leaps, skips, turns, coupes, hops, leadings, risings, meetings, flights, ambuscadoes, moves, and removes. i was also at a loss when i strove to comprehend how the dancers could so suddenly know what every different note meant; for they no sooner heard this or that sound but they placed themselves in the place which was denoted by the music, though their motions were all different. for the nymphs that stood in the first file, as if they designed to begin the fight, marched straight forwards to their enemies from square to square, unless it were the first step, at which they were free to move over two steps at once. they alone never fall back (which is not very natural to other nymphs), and if any of them is so lucky as to advance to the opposite king's row, she is immediately crowned queen of her king, and after that moves with the same state and in the same manner as the queen; but till that happens they never strike their enemies but forwards, and obliquely in a diagonal line. however, they make it not their chief business to take their foes; for, if they did, they would leave their queen exposed to the adverse parties, who then might take her. the kings move and take their enemies on all sides square-ways, and only step from a white square into a yellow one, and vice versa, except at their first step the rank should want other officers than the wardens; for then they can set 'em in their place, and retire by him. the queens take a greater liberty than any of the rest; for they move backwards and forwards all manner of ways, in a straight line as far as they please, provided the place be not filled with one of her own party, and diagonally also, keeping to the colour on which she stands. the archers move backwards or forwards, far and near, never changing the colour on which they stand. the knights move and take in a lineal manner, stepping over one square, though a friend or foe stand upon it, posting themselves on the second square to the right or left, from one colour to another, which is very unwelcome to the adverse party, and ought to be carefully observed, for they take at unawares. the wardens move and take to the right or left, before or behind them, like the kings, and can advance as far as they find places empty; which liberty the kings take not. the law which both sides observe is, at the end of the fight, to besiege and enclose the king of either party, so that he may not be able to move; and being reduced to that extremity, the battle is over, and he loses the day. now, to avoid this, there is none of either sex of each party but is willing to sacrifice his or her life, and they begin to take one another on all sides in time, as soon as the music strikes up. when anyone takes a prisoner, he makes his honours, and striking him gently in the hand, puts him out of the field and combat, and encamps where he stood. if one of the kings chance to stand where he might be taken, it is not lawful for any of his adversaries that had discovered him to lay hold on him; far from it, they are strictly enjoined humbly to pay him their respects, and give him notice, saying, god preserve you, sir! that his officers may relieve and cover him, or he may remove, if unhappily he could not be relieved. however, he is not to be taken, but greeted with a good-morrow, the others bending the knee; and thus the tournament uses to end. chapter 5.xxv. how the thirty-two persons at the ball fought. the two companies having taken their stations, the music struck up, and with a martial sound, which had something of horrid in it, like a point of war, roused and alarmed both parties, who now began to shiver, and then soon were warmed with warlike rage; and having got in readiness to fight desperately, impatient of delay stood waiting for the charge. then the music of the silvered band ceased playing, and the instruments of the golden side alone were heard, which denoted that the golden party attacked. accordingly, a new movement was played for the onset, and we saw the nymph who stood before the queen turn to the left towards her king, as it were to ask leave to fight; and thus saluting her company at the same time, she moved two squares forwards, and saluted the adverse party. now the music of the golden brigade ceased playing, and their antagonists began again. i ought to have told you that the nymph who began by saluting her company, had by that formality also given them to understand that they were to fall on. she was saluted by them in the same manner, with a full turn to the left, except the queen, who went aside towards her king to the right; and the same manner of salutation was observed on both sides during the whole ball. the silvered nymph that stood before her queen likewise moved as soon as the music of her party sounded a charge; her salutations, and those of her side, were to the right, and her queen's to the left. she moved in the second square forwards, and saluted her antagonists, facing the first golden nymph; so that there was not any distance between them, and you would have thought they two had been going to fight; but they only strike sideways. their comrades, whether silvered or golden, followed 'em in an intercalary figure, and seemed to skirmish a while, till the golden nymph who had first entered the lists, striking a silvered nymph in the hand on the right, put her out of the field, and set herself in her place. but soon the music playing a new measure, she was struck by a silvered archer, who after that was obliged himself to retire. a silvered knight then sallied out, and the golden queen posted herself before her king. then the silvered king, dreading the golden queen's fury, removed to the right, to the place where his warden stood, which seemed to him strong and well guarded. the two knights on the left, whether golden or silvered, marched up, and on either side took up many nymphs who could not retreat; principally the golden knight, who made this his whole business; but the silvered knight had greater designs, dissembling all along, and even sometimes not taking a nymph when he could have done it, still moving on till he was come up to the main body of the enemies in such a manner that he saluted their king with a god save you, sir! the whole golden brigade quaked for fear and anger, those words giving notice of their king's danger; not but that they could soon relieve him, but because their king being thus saluted they were to lose their warden on the right wing without any hopes of a recovery. then the golden king retired to the left, and the silvered knight took the golden warden, which was a mighty loss to that party. however, they resolved to be revenged, and surrounded the knight that he might not escape. he tried to get off, behaving himself with a great deal of gallantry, and his friends did what they could to save him; but at last he fell into the golden queen's hands, and was carried off. her forces, not yet satisfied, having lost one of her best men, with more fury than conduct moved about, and did much mischief among their enemies. the silvered party warily dissembled, watching their opportunity to be even with them, and presented one of their nymphs to the golden queen, having laid an ambuscado; so that the nymph being taken, a golden archer had like to have seized the silvered queen. then the golden knight undertakes to take the silvered king and queen, and says, good-morrow! then the silvered archer salutes them, and was taken by a golden nymph, and she herself by a silvered one. the fight was obstinate and sharp. the wardens left their posts, and advanced to relieve their friends. the battle was doubtful, and victory hovered over both armies. now the silvered host charge and break through their enemy's ranks as far as the golden king's tent, and now they are beaten back. the golden queen distinguishes herself from the rest by her mighty achievements still more than by her garb and dignity; for at once she takes an archer, and, going sideways, seizes a silvered warden. which thing the silvered queen perceiving, she came forwards, and, rushing on with equal bravery, takes the last golden warden and some nymphs. the two queens fought a long while hand to hand; now striving to take each other by surprise, then to save themselves, and sometimes to guard their kings. finally, the golden queen took the silvered queen; but presently after she herself was taken by the silvered archer. then the silvered king had only three nymphs, an archer, and a warden left, and the golden only three nymphs and the right knight, which made them fight more slowly and warily than before. the two kings seemed to mourn for the loss of their loving queens, and only studied and endeavoured to get new ones out of all their nymphs to be raised to that dignity, and thus be married to them. this made them excite those brave nymphs to strive to reach the farthest rank, where stood the king of the contrary party, promising them certainly to have them crowned if they could do this. the golden nymphs were beforehand with the others, and out of their number was created a queen, who was dressed in royal robes, and had a crown set on her head. you need not doubt the silvered nymphs made also what haste they could to be queens. one of them was within a step of the coronation place, but there the golden knight lay ready to intercept her, so that she could go no further. the new golden queen, resolved to show herself valiant and worthy of her advancement to the crown, achieved great feats of arms. but in the meantime the silvered knight takes the golden warden who guarded the camp; and thus there was a new silvered queen, who, like the other, strove to excel in heroic deeds at the beginning of her reign. thus the fight grew hotter than before. a thousand stratagems, charges, rallyings, retreats, and attacks were tried on both sides; till at last the silvered queen, having by stealth advanced as far as the golden king's tent, cried, god save you, sir! now none but his new queen could relieve him; so she bravely came and exposed herself to the utmost extremity to deliver him out of it. then the silvered warden with his queen reduced the golden king to such a stress that, to save himself, he was forced to lose his queen; but the golden king took him at last. however, the rest of the golden party were soon taken; and that king being left alone, the silvered party made him a low bow, crying, good morrow, sir! which denoted that the silvered king had got the day. this being heard, the music of both parties loudly proclaimed the victory. and thus the first battle ended to the unspeakable joy of all the spectators. after this the two brigades took their former stations, and began to tilt a second time, much as they had done before, only the music played somewhat faster than at the first battle, and the motions were altogether different. i saw the golden queen sally out one of the first, with an archer and a knight, as it were angry at the former defeat, and she had like to have fallen upon the silvered king in his tent among his officers; but having been baulked in her attempt, she skirmished briskly, and overthrew so many silvered nymphs and officers that it was a most amazing sight. you would have sworn she had been another penthesilea; for she behaved herself with as much bravery as that amazonian queen did at troy. but this havoc did not last long; for the silvered party, exasperated by their loss, resolved to perish or stop her progress; and having posted an archer in ambuscado on a distant angle, together with a knight-errant, her highness fell into their hands and was carried out of the field. the rest were soon routed after the taking of their queen, who, without doubt, from that time resolved to be more wary and keep near her king, without venturing so far amidst her enemies unless with more force to defend her. thus the silvered brigade once more got the victory. this did not dishearten or deject the golden party; far from it. they soon appeared again in the field to face their enemies; and being posted as before, both the armies seemed more resolute and cheerful than ever. now the martial concert began, and the music was above a hemiole the quicker, according to the warlike phrygian mode, such as was invented by marsyas. then our combatants began to wheel about, and charge with such a swiftness that in an instant they made four moves, besides the usual salutations. so that they were continually in action, flying, hovering, jumping, vaulting, curvetting, with petauristical turns and motions, and often intermingled. seeing them then turn about on one foot after they had made their honours, we compared them to your tops or gigs, such as boys use to whip about, making them turn round so swiftly that they sleep, as they call it, and motion cannot be perceived, but resembles rest, its contrary; so that if you make a point or mark on some part of one of those gigs, 'twill be perceived not as a point, but a continual line, in a most divine manner, as cusanus has wisely observed. while they were thus warmly engaged, we heard continually the claps and episemapsies which those of the two bands reiterated at the taking of their enemies; and this, joined to the variety of their motions and music, would have forced smiles out of the most severe cato, the never-laughing crassus, the athenian man-hater, timon; nay, even whining heraclitus, though he abhorred laughing, the action that is most peculiar to man. for who could have forborne? seeing those young warriors, with their nymphs and queens, so briskly and gracefully advance, retire, jump, leap, skip, spring, fly, vault, caper, move to the right, to the left, every way still in time, so swiftly, and yet so dexterously, that they never touched one another but methodically. as the number of the combatants lessened, the pleasure of the spectators increased; for the stratagems and motions of the remaining forces were more singular. i shall only add that this pleasing entertainment charmed us to such a degree that our minds were ravished with admiration and delight, and the martial harmony moved our souls so powerfully that we easily believed what is said of ismenias's having excited alexander to rise from table and run to his arms, with such a warlike melody. at last the golden king remained master of the field; and while we were minding those dances, queen whims vanished, so that we saw her no more from that day to this. then geber's michelots conducted us, and we were set down among her abstractors, as her queenship had commanded. after that we returned to the port of mateotechny, and thence straight aboard our ships; for the wind was fair, and had we not hoisted out of hand, we could hardly have got off in three quarters of a moon in the wane. chapter 5.xxvi. how we came to the island of odes, where the ways go up and down. we sailed before the wind, between a pair of courses, and in two days made the island of odes, at which place we saw a very strange thing. the ways there are animals; so true is aristotle's saying, that all self-moving things are animals. now the ways walk there. ergo, they are then animals. some of them are strange unknown ways, like those of the planets; others are highways, crossways, and byways. i perceived that the travellers and inhabitants of that country asked, whither does this way go? whither does that way go? some answered, between midy and fevrolles, to the parish church, to the city, to the river, and so forth. being thus in their right way, they used to reach their journey's end without any further trouble, just like those who go by water from lyons to avignon or arles. now, as you know that nothing is perfect here below, we heard there was a sort of people whom they called highwaymen, waybeaters, and makers of inroads in roads; and that the poor ways were sadly afraid of them, and shunned them as you do robbers. for these used to waylay them, as people lay trains for wolves, and set gins for woodcocks. i saw one who was taken up with a lord chief justice's warrant for having unjustly, and in spite of pallas, taken the schoolway, which is the longest. another boasted that he had fairly taken his shortest, and that doing so he first compassed his design. thus, carpalin, meeting once epistemon looking upon a wall with his fiddle-diddle, or live urinal, in his hand, to make a little maid's water, cried that he did not wonder now how the other came to be still the first at pantagruel's levee, since he held his shortest and least used. i found bourges highway among these. it went with the deliberation of an abbot, but was made to scamper at the approach of some waggoners, who threatened to have it trampled under their horses' feet, and make their waggons run over it, as tullia's chariot did over her father's body. i also espied there the old way between peronne and st. quentin, which seemed to me a very good, honest, plain way, as smooth as a carpet, and as good as ever was trod upon by shoe of leather. among the rocks i knew again the good old way to la ferrare, mounted on a huge bear. this at a distance would have put me in mind of st. jerome's picture, had but the bear been a lion; for the poor way was all mortified, and wore a long hoary beard uncombed and entangled, which looked like the picture of winter, or at least like a white-frosted bush. on that way were store of beads or rosaries, coarsely made of wild pine-tree; and it seemed kneeling, not standing, nor lying flat; but its sides and middle were beaten with huge stones, insomuch that it proved to us at once an object of fear and pity. while we were examining it, a runner, bachelor of the place, took us aside, and showing us a white smooth way, somewhat filled with straw, said, henceforth, gentlemen, do not reject the opinion of thales the milesian, who said that water is the beginning of all things, nor that of homer, who tells us that all things derive their original from the ocean; for this same way which you see here had its beginning from water, and is to return whence she came before two months come to an end; now carts are driven here where boats used to be rowed. truly, said pantagruel, you tell us no news; we see five hundred such changes, and more, every year, in our world. then reflecting on the different manner of going of those moving ways, he told us he believed that philolaus and aristarchus had philosophized in this island, and that seleucus (motteux reads--'that some, indeed, were of opinion.'), indeed, was of opinion the earth turns round about its poles, and not the heavens, whatever we may think to the contrary; as, when we are on the river loire, we think the trees and the shore moves, though this is only an effect of our boat's motion. as we went back to our ships, we saw three waylayers, who, having been taken in ambuscado, were going to be broken on the wheel; and a huge fornicator was burned with a lingering fire for beating a way and breaking one of its sides; we were told it was the way of the banks of the nile in egypt. chapter 5.xxvii. how we came to the island of sandals; and of the order of semiquaver friars. thence we went to the island of sandals, whose inhabitants live on nothing but ling-broth. however, we were very kindly received and entertained by benius the third, king of the island, who, after he had made us drink, took us with him to show us a spick-and-span new monastery which he had contrived for the semiquaver friars; so he called the religious men whom he had there. for he said that on t'other side the water lived friars who styled themselves her sweet ladyship's most humble servants. item, the goodly friar-minors, who are semibreves of bulls; the smoked-herring tribe of minim friars; then the crotchet friars. so that these diminutives could be no more than semiquavers. by the statutes, bulls, and patents of queen whims, they were all dressed like so many house-burners, except that, as in anjou your bricklayers use to quilt their knees when they tile houses, so these holy friars had usually quilted bellies, and thick quilted paunches were among them in much repute. their codpieces were cut slipper-fashion, and every monk among them wore two--one sewed before and another behind --reporting that some certain dreadful mysteries were duly represented by this duplicity of codpieces. they wore shoes as round as basins, in imitation of those who inhabit the sandy sea. their chins were close-shaved, and their feet iron-shod; and to show they did not value fortune, benius made them shave and poll the hind part of their polls as bare as a bird's arse, from the crown to the shoulder-blades; but they had leave to let their hair grow before, from the two triangular bones in the upper part of the skull. thus did they not value fortune a button, and cared no more for the goods of this world than you or i do for hanging. and to show how much they defied that blind jilt, all of them wore, not in their hands like her, but at their waist, instead of beads, sharp razors, which they used to new-grind twice a day and set thrice a night. each of them had a round ball on their feet, because fortune is said to have one under hers. the flap of their cowls hanged forward, and not backwards, like those of others. thus none could see their noses, and they laughed without fear both at fortune and the fortunate; neither more nor less than our ladies laugh at barefaced trulls when they have those mufflers on which they call masks, and which were formerly much more properly called charity, because they cover a multitude of sins. the hind part of their faces were always uncovered, as are our faces, which made them either go with their belly or the arse foremost, which they pleased. when their hind face went forwards, you would have sworn this had been their natural gait, as well on account of their round shoes as of the double codpiece, and their face behind, which was as bare as the back of my hand, and coarsely daubed over with two eyes and a mouth, such as you see on some indian nuts. now, if they offered to waddle along with their bellies forwards, you would have thought they were then playing at blindman's buff. may i never be hanged if 'twas not a comical sight. their way of living was thus: about owl-light they charitably began to boot and spur one another. this being done, the least thing they did was to sleep and snore; and thus sleeping, they had barnacles on the handles of their faces, or spectacles at most. you may swear we did not a little wonder at this odd fancy; but they satisfied us presently, telling us that the day of judgment is to take mankind napping; therefore, to show they did not refuse to make their personal appearance as fortune's darlings use to do, they were always thus booted and spurred, ready to mount whenever the trumpet should sound. at noon, as soon as the clock struck, they used to awake. you must know that their clock-bell, church-bells, and refectory-bells were all made according to the pontial device, that is, quilted with the finest down, and their clappers of fox-tails. having then made shift to get up at noon, they pulled off their boots, and those that wanted to speak with a maid, alias piss, pissed; those that wanted to scumber, scumbered; and those that wanted to sneeze, sneezed. but all, whether they would or no (poor gentlemen!), were obliged largely and plentifully to yawn; and this was their first breakfast (o rigorous statute!). methought 'twas very comical to observe their transactions; for, having laid their boots and spurs on a rack, they went into the cloisters. there they curiously washed their hands and mouths; then sat them down on a long bench, and picked their teeth till the provost gave the signal, whistling through his fingers; then every he stretched out his jaws as much as he could, and they gaped and yawned for about half-an-hour, sometimes more, sometimes less, according as the prior judged the breakfast to be suitable to the day. after that they went in procession, two banners being carried before them, in one of which was the picture of virtue, and that of fortune in the other. the last went before, carried by a semi-quavering friar, at whose heels was another, with the shadow or image of virtue in one hand and an holy-water sprinkle in the other--i mean of that holy mercurial water which ovid describes in his fasti. and as the preceding semiquaver rang a handbell, this shaked the sprinkle with his fist. with that says pantagruel, this order contradicts the rule which tully and the academics prescribed, that virtue ought to go before, and fortune follow. but they told us they did as they ought, seeing their design was to breech, lash, and bethwack fortune. during the processions they trilled and quavered most melodiously betwixt their teeth i do not know what antiphones, or chantings, by turns. for my part, 'twas all hebrew-greek to me, the devil a word i could pick out on't; at last, pricking up my ears, and intensely listening, i perceived they only sang with the tip of theirs. oh, what a rare harmony it was! how well 'twas tuned to the sound of their bells! you'll never find these to jar, that you won't. pantagruel made a notable observation upon the processions; for says he, have you seen and observed the policy of these semiquavers? to make an end of their procession they went out at one of their church doors and came in at the other; they took a deal of care not to come in at the place whereat they went out. on my honour, these are a subtle sort of people, quoth panurge; they have as much wit as three folks, two fools and a madman; they are as wise as the calf that ran nine miles to suck a bull, and when he came there 'twas a steer. this subtlety and wisdom of theirs, cried friar john, is borrowed from the occult philosophy. may i be gutted like an oyster if i can tell what to make on't. then the more 'tis to be feared, said pantagruel; for subtlety suspected, subtlety foreseen, subtlety found out, loses the essence and very name of subtlety, and only gains that of blockishness. they are not such fools as you take them to be; they have more tricks than are good, i doubt. after the procession they went sluggingly into the fratery-room, by the way of walk and healthful exercise, and there kneeled under the tables, leaning their breasts on lanterns. while they were in that posture, in came a huge sandal, with a pitchfork in his hand, who used to baste, rib-roast, swaddle, and swinge them well-favouredly, as they said, and in truth treated them after a fashion. they began their meal as you end yours, with cheese, and ended it with mustard and lettuce, as martial tells us the ancients did. afterwards a platterful of mustard was brought before every one of them, and thus they made good the proverb, after meat comes mustard. their diet was this: o' sundays they stuffed their puddings with puddings, chitterlings, links, bologna sausages, forced-meats, liverings, hogs' haslets, young quails, and teals. you must also always add cheese for the first course, and mustard for the last. o' mondays they were crammed with peas and pork, cum commento, and interlineary glosses. o' tuesdays they used to twist store of holy-bread, cakes, buns, puffs, lenten loaves, jumbles, and biscuits. o' wednesdays my gentlemen had fine sheep's heads, calves' heads, and brocks' heads, of which there's no want in that country. o' thursdays they guzzled down seven sorts of porridge, not forgetting mustard. o' fridays they munched nothing but services or sorb-apples; neither were these full ripe, as i guessed by their complexion. o' saturdays they gnawed bones; not that they were poor or needy, for every mother's son of them had a very good fat belly-benefice. as for their drink, 'twas an antifortunal; thus they called i don't know what sort of a liquor of the place. when they wanted to eat or drink, they turned down the back-points or flaps of their cowls forwards below their chins, and that served 'em instead of gorgets or slabbering-bibs. when they had well dined, they prayed rarely all in quavers and shakes; and the rest of the day, expecting the day of judgment, they were taken up with acts of charity, and particularly-o' sundays, rubbers at cuffs. o' mondays, lending each other flirts and fillips on the nose. o' tuesdays, clapperclawing one another. o' wednesdays, sniting and fly-flapping. o' thursdays, worming and pumping. o' fridays, tickling. o' saturdays, jerking and firking one another. such was their diet when they resided in the convent, and if the prior of the monk-house sent any of them abroad, then they were strictly enjoined neither to touch nor eat any manner of fish as long as they were on sea or rivers, and to abstain from all manner of flesh whenever they were at land, that everyone might be convinced that, while they enjoyed the object, they denied themselves the power, and even the desire, and were no more moved with it than the marpesian rock. all this was done with proper antiphones, still sung and chanted by ear, as we have already observed. when the sun went to bed, they fairly booted and spurred each other as before, and having clapped on their barnacles e'en jogged to bed too. at midnight the sandal came to them, and up they got, and having well whetted and set their razors, and been a-processioning, they clapped the tables over themselves, and like wire-drawers under their work fell to it as aforesaid. friar john des entoumeures, having shrewdly observed these jolly semiquaver friars, and had a full account of their statutes, lost all patience, and cried out aloud: bounce tail, and god ha' mercy guts; if every fool should wear a bauble, fuel would be dear. a plague rot it, we must know how many farts go to an ounce. would priapus were here, as he used to be at the nocturnal festivals in crete, that i might see him play backwards, and wriggle and shake to the purpose. ay, ay, this is the world, and t'other is the country; may i never piss if this be not an antichthonian land, and our very antipodes. in germany they pull down monasteries and unfrockify the monks; here they go quite kam, and act clean contrary to others, setting new ones up, against the hair. chapter 5.xxviii. how panurge asked a semiquaver friar many questions, and was only answered in monosyllables. panurge, who had since been wholly taken up with staring at these royal semiquavers, at last pulled one of them by the sleeve, who was as lean as a rake, and asked him,-hearkee me, friar quaver, semiquaver, demisemiquavering quaver, where is the punk? the friar, pointing downwards, answered, there. pan. pray, have you many? fri. few. pan. how many scores have you? fri. one. pan. how many would you have? fri. five. pan. where do you hide 'em? fri. here. pan. i suppose they are not all of one age; but, pray, how is their shape? fri. straight. pan. their complexion? fri. clear. pan. their hair? fri. fair. pan. their eyes? fri. black. pan. their features? fri. good. pan. their brows? fri. small. pan. their graces? fri. ripe. pan. their looks? fri. free. pan. their feet? fri. flat. pan. their heels? fri. short. pan. their lower parts? fri. rare. pan. and their arms? fri. long. pan. what do they wear on their hands? fri. gloves. pan. what sort of rings on their fingers? fri. gold. pan. what rigging do you keep 'em in? fri. cloth. pan. what sort of cloth is it? fri. new. pan. what colour? fri. sky. pan. what kind of cloth is it? fri. fine. pan. what caps do they wear? fri. blue. pan. what's the colour of their stockings? fri. red. pan. what wear they on their feet? fri. pumps. pan. how do they use to be? fri. foul. pan. how do they use to walk? fri. fast. pan. now let us talk of the kitchen, i mean that of the harlots, and without going hand over head let's a little examine things by particulars. what is in their kitchens? fri. fire. pan. what fuel feeds it? fri. wood. pan. what sort of wood is't? fri. dry. pan. and of what kind of trees? fri. yews. pan. what are the faggots and brushes of? fri. holm. pan. what wood d'ye burn in your chambers? fri. pine. pan. and of what other trees? fri. lime. pan. hearkee me; as for the buttocks, i'll go your halves. pray, how do you feed 'em? fri. well. pan. first, what do they eat? fri. bread. pan. of what complexion? fri. white. pan. and what else? fri. meat. pan. how do they love it dressed? fri. roast. pan. what sort of porridge? fri. none. pan. are they for pies and tarts? fri. much. pan. then i'm their man. will fish go down with them? fri. well. pan. and what else? fri. eggs. pan. how do they like 'em? fri. boiled. pan. how must they be done? fri. hard. pan. is this all they have? fri. no. pan. what have they besides, then? fri. beef. pan. and what else? fri. pork. pan. and what more? fri. geese. pan. what then? fri. ducks. pan. and what besides? fri. cocks. pan. what do they season their meat with? fri. salt. pan. what sauce are they most dainty for? fri. must. pan. what's their last course? fri. rice. pan. and what else? fri. milk. pan. what besides? fri. peas. pan. what sort? fri. green. pan. what do they boil with 'em? fri. pork. pan. what fruit do they eat? fri. good. pan. how? fri. raw. pan. what do they end with? fri. nuts. pan. how do they drink? fri. neat. pan. what liquor? fri. wine. pan. what sort? fri. white. pan. in winter? fri. strong. pan. in the spring. fri. brisk. pan. in summer? fri. cool. pan. in autumn? fri. new. buttock of a monk! cried friar john; how plump these plaguy trulls, these arch semiquavering strumpets, must be! that damned cattle are so high fed that they must needs be high-mettled, and ready to wince and give two ups for one go-down when anyone offers to ride them below the crupper. prithee, friar john, quoth panurge, hold thy prating tongue; stay till i have done. till what time do the doxies sit up? fri. night. pan. when do they get up? fri. late. pan. may i ride on a horse that was foaled of an acorn, if this be not as honest a cod as ever the ground went upon, and as grave as an old gate-post into the bargain. would to the blessed st. semiquaver, and the blessed worthy virgin st. semiquavera, he were lord chief president (justice) of paris! ods-bodikins, how he'd despatch! with what expedition would he bring disputes to an upshot! what an abbreviator and clawer off of lawsuits, reconciler of differences, examiner and fumbler of bags, peruser of bills, scribbler of rough drafts, and engrosser of deeds would he not make! well, friar, spare your breath to cool your porridge. come, let's now talk with deliberation, fairly and softly, as lawyers go to heaven. let's know how you victual the venereal camp. how is the snatchblatch? fri. rough. pan. how is the gateway? fri. free. pan. and how is it within? fri. deep. pan. i mean, what weather is it there? fri. hot. pan. what shadows the brooks? fri. groves. pan. of what's the colour of the twigs? fri. red. pan. and that of the old? fri. grey. pan. how are you when you shake? fri. brisk. pan. how is their motion? fri. quick. pan. would you have them vault or wriggle more? fri. less. pan. what kind of tools are yours? fri. big. pan. and in their helves? fri. round. pan. of what colour is the tip? fri. red. pan. when they've even used, how are they? fri. shrunk. pan. how much weighs each bag of tools? fri. pounds. pan. how hang your pouches? fri. tight. pan. how are they when you've done? fri. lank. pan. now, by the oath you have taken, tell me, when you have a mind to cohabit, how you throw 'em? fri. down. pan. and what do they say then? fri. fie. pan. however, like maids, they say nay, and take it; and speak the less, but think the more, minding the work in hand; do they not? fri. true. pan. do they get you bairns? fri. none. pan. how do you pig together? fri. bare. pan. remember you're upon your oath, and tell me justly and bona fide how many times a day you monk it? fri. six. pan. how many bouts a-nights? fri. ten. catso, quoth friar john, the poor fornicating brother is bashful, and sticks at sixteen, as if that were his stint. right, quoth panurge, but couldst thou keep pace with him, friar john, my dainty cod? may the devil's dam suck my teat if he does not look as if he had got a blow over the nose with a naples cowl-staff. pan. pray, friar shakewell, does your whole fraternity quaver and shake at that rate? fri. all. pan. who of them is the best cock o' the game? fri. i. pan. do you never commit dry-bobs or flashes in the pan? fri. none. pan. i blush like any black dog, and could be as testy as an old cook when i think on all this; it passes my understanding. but, pray, when you have been pumped dry one day, what have you got the next? fri. more. pan. by priapus, they have the indian herb of which theophrastus spoke, or i'm much out. but, hearkee me, thou man of brevity, should some impediment, honestly or otherwise, impair your talents and cause your benevolence to lessen, how would it fare with you, then? fri. ill. pan. what would the wenches do? fri. rail. pan. what if you skipped, and let 'em fast a whole day? fri. worse. pan. what do you give 'em then? fri. thwacks. pan. what do they say to this? fri. bawl. pan. and what else? fri. curse. pan. how do you correct 'em? fri. hard. pan. what do you get out of 'em then? fri. blood. pan. how's their complexion then? fri. odd. pan. what do they mend it with? fri. paint. pan. then what do they do? fri. fawn. pan. by the oath you have taken, tell me truly what time of the year do you do it least in? fri. now (august.). pan. what season do you do it best in? fri. march. pan. how is your performance the rest of the year? fri. brisk. then quoth panurge, sneering, of all, and of all, commend me to ball; this is the friar of the world for my money. you've heard how short, concise, and compendious he is in his answers. nothing is to be got out of him but monosyllables. by jingo, i believe he would make three bites of a cherry. damn him, cried friar john, that's as true as i am his uncle. the dog yelps at another gate's rate when he is among his bitches; there he is polysyllable enough, my life for yours. you talk of making three bites of a cherry! god send fools more wit and us more money! may i be doomed to fast a whole day if i don't verily believe he would not make above two bites of a shoulder of mutton and one swoop of a whole pottle of wine. zoons, do but see how down o' the mouth the cur looks! he's nothing but skin and bones; he has pissed his tallow. truly, truly, quoth epistemon, this rascally monastical vermin all over the world mind nothing but their gut, and are as ravenous as any kites, and then, forsooth, they tell us they've nothing but food and raiment in this world. 'sdeath, what more have kings and princes? chapter 5.xxix. how epistemon disliked the institution of lent. pray did you observe, continued epistemon, how this damned ill-favoured semiquaver mentioned march as the best month for caterwauling? true, said pantagruel; yet lent and march always go together, and the first was instituted to macerate and bring down our pampered flesh, to weaken and subdue its lusts, to curb and assuage the venereal rage. by this, said epistemon, you may guess what kind of a pope it was who first enjoined it to be kept, since this filthy wooden-shoed semiquaver owns that his spoon is never oftener nor deeper in the porringer of lechery than in lent. add to this the evident reasons given by all good and learned physicians, affirming that throughout the whole year no food is eaten that can prompt mankind to lascivious acts more than at that time. as, for example, beans, peas, phasels, or long-peason, ciches, onions, nuts, oysters, herrings, salt-meats, garum (a kind of anchovy), and salads wholly made up of venereous herbs and fruits, as-rocket, parsley, hop-buds, nose-smart, rampions, figs, taragon, poppy, rice, cresses, celery, raisins, and others. it would not a little surprise you, said pantagruel, should a man tell you that the good pope who first ordered the keeping of lent, perceiving that at that time o' year the natural heat (from the centre of the body, whither it was retired during the winter's cold) diffuses itself, as the sap does in trees, through the circumference of the members, did therefore in a manner prescribe that sort of diet to forward the propagation of mankind. what makes me think so, is that by the registers of christenings at touars it appears that more children are born in october and november than in the other ten months of the year, and reckoning backwards 'twill be easily found that they were all made, conceived, and begotten in lent. i listen to you with both my ears, quoth friar john, and that with no small pleasure, i'll assure you. but i must tell you that the vicar of jambert ascribed this copious prolification of the women, not to that sort of food that we chiefly eat in lent, but to the little licensed stooping mumpers, your little booted lent-preachers, your little draggle-tailed father confessors, who during all that time of their reign damn all husbands that run astray three fathom and a half below the very lowest pit of hell. so the silly cod's-headed brothers of the noose dare not then stumble any more at the truckle-bed, to the no small discomfort of their maids, and are even forced, poor souls, to take up with their own bodily wives. dixi; i have done. you may descant on the institution of lent as much as you please, cried epistemon; so many men so many minds; but certainly all the physicians will be against its being suppressed, though i think that time is at hand. i know they will, and have heard 'em say were it not for lent their art would soon fall into contempt, and they'd get nothing, for hardly anybody would be sick. all distempers are sowed in lent; 'tis the true seminary and native bed of all diseases; nor does it only weaken and putrefy bodies, but it also makes souls mad and uneasy. for then the devils do their best, and drive a subtle trade, and the tribe of canting dissemblers come out of their holes. 'tis then term-time with your cucullated pieces of formality that have one face to god and another to the devil; and a wretched clutter they make with their sessions, stations, pardons, syntereses, confessions, whippings, anathematizations, and much prayer with as little devotion. however, i'll not offer to infer from this that the arimaspians are better than we are in that point; yet i speak to the purpose. well, quoth panurge to the semiquaver friar, who happened to be by, dear bumbasting, shaking, trilling, quavering cod, what thinkest thou of this fellow? is he a rank heretic? fri. much. pan. ought he not to be singed? fri. well. pan. as soon as may be? fri. right. pan. should not he be scalded first? fri. no. pan. how then, should he be roasted? fri. quick. pan. till at last he be? fri. dead. pan. what has he made you? fri. mad. pan. what d'ye take him to be? fri. damned. pan. what place is he to go to? fri. hell. pan. but, first, how would you have 'em served here? fri. burnt. pan. some have been served so? fri. store. pan. that were heretics? fri. less. pan. and the number of those that are to be warmed thus hereafter is? fri. great. pan. how many of 'em do you intend to save? fri. none. pan. so you'd have them burned? fri. all. i wonder, said epistemon to panurge, what pleasure you can find in talking thus with this lousy tatterdemalion of a monk. i vow, did i not know you well, i might be ready to think you had no more wit in your head than he has in both his shoulders. come, come, scatter no words, returned panurge; everyone as they like, as the woman said when she kissed her cow. i wish i might carry him to gargantua; when i'm married he might be my wife's fool. and make you one, cried epistemon. well said, quoth friar john. now, poor panurge, take that along with thee, thou'rt e'en fitted; 'tis a plain case thou'lt never escape wearing the bull's feather; thy wife will be as common as the highway, that's certain. chapter 5.xxx. how we came to the land of satin. having pleased ourselves with observing that new order of semiquaver friars, we set sail, and in three days our skipper made the finest and most delightful island that ever was seen. he called it the island of frieze, for all the ways were of frieze. in that island is the land of satin, so celebrated by our court pages. its trees and herbage never lose their leaves or flowers, and are all damask and flowered velvet. as for the beasts and birds, they are all of tapestry work. there we saw many beasts, birds on trees, of the same colour, bigness, and shape of those in our country; with this difference, however, that these did eat nothing, and never sung or bit like ours; and we also saw there many sorts of creatures which we never had seen before. among the rest, several elephants in various postures; twelve of which were the six males and six females that were brought to rome by their governor in the time of germanicus, tiberius's nephew. some of them were learned elephants, some musicians, others philosophers, dancers, and showers of tricks; and all sat down at table in good order, silently eating and drinking like so many fathers in a fratery-room. with their snouts or proboscises, some two cubits long, they draw up water for their own drinking, and take hold of palm leaves, plums, and all manner of edibles, using them offensively or defensively as we do our fists; with them tossing men high into the air in fight, and making them burst with laughing when they come to the ground. they have joints (in their legs), whatever some men, who doubtless never saw any but painted, may have written to the contrary. between their teeth they have two huge horns; thus juba called 'em, and pausanias tells us they are not teeth, but horns; however, philostratus will have 'em to be teeth, and not horns. 'tis all one to me, provided you will be pleased to own them to be true ivory. these are some three or four cubits long, and are fixed in the upper jawbone, and consequently not in the lowermost. if you hearken to those who will tell you to the contrary, you will find yourself damnably mistaken, for that's a lie with a latchet; though 'twere aelian, that long-bow man, that told you so, never believe him, for he lies as fast as a dog can trot. 'twas in this very island that pliny, his brother tell-truth, had seen some elephants dance on the rope with bells, and whip over the tables, presto, begone, while people were at feasts, without so much as touching the toping topers or the topers toping. i saw a rhinoceros there, just such a one as harry clerberg had formerly showed me. methought it was not much unlike a certain boar which i had formerly seen at limoges, except the sharp horn on its snout, that was about a cubit long; by the means of which that animal dares encounter with an elephant, that is sometimes killed with its point thrust into its belly, which is its most tender and defenceless part. i saw there two and thirty unicorns. they are a curst sort of creatures, much resembling a fine horse, unless it be that their heads are like a stag's, their feet like an elephant's, their tails like a wild boar's, and out of each of their foreheads sprouts out a sharp black horn, some six or seven feet long; commonly it dangles down like a turkey-cock's comb. when a unicorn has a mind to fight, or put it to any other use, what does it do but make it stand, and then 'tis as straight as an arrow. i saw one of them, which was attended with a throng of other wild beasts, purify a fountain with its horn. with that panurge told me that his prancer, alias his nimble-wimble, was like the unicorn, not altogether in length indeed, but in virtue and propriety; for as the unicorn purified pools and fountains from filth and venom, so that other animals came and drank securely there afterwards, in the like manner others might water their nags, and dabble after him without fear of shankers, carnosities, gonorrhoeas, buboes, crinkams, and such other plagues caught by those who venture to quench their amorous thirst in a common puddle; for with his nervous horn he removed all the infection that might be lurking in some blind cranny of the mephitic sweet-scented hole. well, quoth friar john, when you are sped, that is, when you are married, we will make a trial of this on thy spouse, merely for charity sake, since you are pleased to give us so beneficial an instruction. ay, ay, returned panurge, and then immediately i'll give you a pretty gentle aggregative pill of god, made up of two and twenty kind stabs with a dagger, after the caesarian way. catso, cried friar john, i had rather take off a bumper of good cool wine. i saw there the golden fleece formerly conquered by jason, and can assure you, on the word of an honest man, that those who have said it was not a fleece but a golden pippin, because melon signifies both an apple and a sheep, were utterly mistaken. i saw also a chameleon, such as aristotle describes it, and like that which had been formerly shown me by charles maris, a famous physician of the noble city of lyons on the rhone; and the said chameleon lived on air just as the other did. i saw three hydras, like those i had formerly seen. they are a kind of serpent, with seven different heads. i saw also fourteen phoenixes. i had read in many authors that there was but one in the whole world in every century; but, if i may presume to speak my mind, i declare that those who said this had never seen any, unless it were in the land of tapestry; though 'twere vouched by claudian or lactantius firmianus. i saw the skin of apuleius's golden ass. i saw three hundred and nine pelicans. item, six thousand and sixteen seleucid birds marching in battalia, and picking up straggling grasshoppers in cornfields. item, some cynamologi, argatiles, caprimulgi, thynnunculs, onocrotals, or bitterns, with their wide swallows, stymphalides, harpies, panthers, dorcasses, or bucks, cemades, cynocephalises, satyrs, cartasans, tarands, uri, monopses, or bonasi, neades, steras, marmosets, or monkeys, bugles, musimons, byturoses, ophyri, screech-owls, goblins, fairies, and griffins. i saw mid-lent o' horseback, with mid-august and mid-march holding its stirrups. i saw some mankind wolves, centaurs, tigers, leopards, hyenas, camelopardals, and orixes, or huge wild goats with sharp horns. i saw a remora, a little fish called echineis by the greeks, and near it a tall ship that did not get ahead an inch, though she was in the offing with top and top-gallants spread before the wind. i am somewhat inclined to believe that 'twas the very numerical ship in which periander the tyrant happened to be when it was stopped by such a little fish in spite of wind and tide. it was in this land of satin, and in no other, that mutianus had seen one of them. friar john told us that in the days of yore two sorts of fishes used to abound in our courts of judicature, and rotted the bodies and tormented the souls of those who were at law, whether noble or of mean descent, high or low, rich or poor: the first were your april fish or mackerel (pimps, panders, and bawds); the others your beneficial remoras, that is, the eternity of lawsuits, the needless lets that keep 'em undecided. i saw some sphynges, some raphes, some ounces, and some cepphi, whose fore-feet are like hands and their hind-feet like man's. also some crocutas and some eali as big as sea-horses, with elephants' tails, boars' jaws and tusks, and horns as pliant as an ass's ears. the crocutas, most fleet animals, as big as our asses of mirebalais, have necks, tails, and breasts like a lion's, legs like a stag's, have mouths up to the ears, and but two teeth, one above and one below; they speak with human voices, but when they do they say nothing. some people say that none e'er saw an eyrie, or nest of sakers; if you'll believe me, i saw no less than eleven, and i'm sure i reckoned right. i saw some left-handed halberds, which were the first that i had ever seen. i saw some manticores, a most strange sort of creatures, which have the body of a lion, red hair, a face and ears like a man's, three rows of teeth which close together as if you joined your hands with your fingers between each other; they have a sting in their tails like a scorpion's, and a very melodious voice. i saw some catablepases, a sort of serpents, whose bodies are small, but their heads large, without any proportion, so that they've much ado to lift them up; and their eyes are so infectious that whoever sees 'em dies upon the spot, as if he had seen a basilisk. i saw some beasts with two backs, and those seemed to me the merriest creatures in the world. they were most nimble at wriggling the buttocks, and more diligent in tail-wagging than any water-wagtails, perpetually jogging and shaking their double rumps. i saw there some milched crawfish, creatures that i never had heard of before in my life. these moved in very good order, and 'twould have done your heart good to have seen 'em. chapter 5.xxxi. how in the land of satin we saw hearsay, who kept a school of vouching. we went a little higher up into the country of tapestry, and saw the mediterranean sea open to the right and left down to the very bottom; just as the red sea very fairly left its bed at the arabian gulf to make a lane for the jews when they left egypt. there i found triton winding his silver shell instead of a horn, and also glaucus, proteus, nereus, and a thousand other godlings and sea monsters. i also saw an infinite number of fish of all kinds, dancing, flying, vaulting, fighting, eating, breathing, billing, shoving, milting, spawning, hunting, fishing, skirmishing, lying in ambuscado, making truces, cheapening, bargaining, swearing, and sporting. in a blind corner we saw aristotle holding a lantern in the posture in which the hermit uses to be drawn near st. christopher, watching, prying, thinking, and setting everything down. behind him stood a pack of other philosophers, like so many bums by a head-bailiff, as appian, heliodorus, athenaeus, porphyrius, pancrates, arcadian, numenius, possidonius, ovidius, oppianus, olympius, seleucus, leonides, agathocles, theophrastus, damostratus, mutianus, nymphodorus, aelian, and five hundred other such plodding dons, who were full of business, yet had little to do; like chrysippus or aristarchus of soli, who for eight-and-fifty years together did nothing in the world but examine the state and concerns of bees. i spied peter gilles among these, with a urinal in his hand, narrowly watching the water of those goodly fishes. when we had long beheld everything in this land of satin, pantagruel said, i have sufficiently fed my eyes, but my belly is empty all this while, and chimes to let me know 'tis time to go to dinner. let's take care of the body lest the soul abdicate it; and to this effect let's taste some of these anacampserotes ('an herb, the touching of which is said to reconcile lovers.'--motteux.) that hang over our heads. psha, cried one, they are mere trash, stark naught, o' my word; they're good for nothing. i then went to pluck some mirobolans off of a piece of tapestry whereon they hung, but the devil a bit i could chew or swallow 'em; and had you had them betwixt your teeth you would have sworn they had been thrown silk; there was no manner of savour in 'em. one might be apt to think heliogabalus had taken a hint from thence, to feast those whom he had caused to fast a long time, promising them a sumptuous, plentiful, and imperial feast after it; for all the treat used to amount to no more than several sorts of meat in wax, marble, earthenware, painted and figured tablecloths. while we were looking up and down to find some more substantial food, we heard a loud various noise, like that of paper-mills (or women bucking of linen); so with all speed we went to the place whence the noise came, where we found a diminutive, monstrous, misshapen old fellow, called hearsay. his mouth was slit up to his ears, and in it were seven tongues, each of them cleft into seven parts. however, he chattered, tattled, and prated with all the seven at once, of different matters, and in divers languages. he had as many ears all over his head and the rest of his body as argus formerly had eyes, and was as blind as a beetle, and had the palsy in his legs. about him stood an innumerable number of men and women, gaping, listening, and hearing very intensely. among 'em i observed some who strutted like crows in a gutter, and principally a very handsome bodied man in the face, who held then a map of the world, and with little aphorisms compendiously explained everything to 'em; so that those men of happy memories grew learned in a trice, and would most fluently talk with you of a world of prodigious things, the hundredth part of which would take up a man's whole life to be fully known. among the rest they descanted with great prolixity on the pyramids and hieroglyphics of egypt, of the nile, of babylon, of the troglodytes, the hymantopodes, or crump-footed nation, the blemiae, people that wear their heads in the middle of their breasts, the pigmies, the cannibals, the hyperborei and their mountains, the egypanes with their goat's feet, and the devil and all of others; every individual word of it by hearsay. i am much mistaken if i did not see among them herodotus, pliny, solinus, berosus, philostratus, pomponius mela, strabo, and god knows how many other antiquaries. then albert, the great jacobin friar, peter tesmoin, alias witness, pope pius the second, volaterranus, paulus jovius the valiant, jemmy cartier, chaton the armenian, marco polo the venetian, ludovico romano, pedro aliares, and forty cartloads of other modern historians, lurking behind a piece of tapestry, where they were at it ding-dong, privately scribbling the lord knows what, and making rare work of it; and all by hearsay. behind another piece of tapestry (on which naboth and susanna's accusers were fairly represented), i saw close by hearsay, good store of men of the country of perce and maine, notable students, and young enough. i asked what sort of study they applied themselves to; and was told that from their youth they learned to be evidences, affidavit-men, and vouchers, and were instructed in the art of swearing; in which they soon became such proficients, that when they left that country, and went back into their own, they set up for themselves and very honestly lived by their trade of evidencing, positively giving their testimony of all things whatsoever to those who feed them most roundly to do a job of journey-work for them; and all this by hearsay. you may think what you will of it; but i can assure you they gave some of us corners of their cakes, and we merrily helped to empty their hogsheads. then, in a friendly manner, they advised us to be as sparing of truth as possibly we could if ever we had a mind to get court preferment. chapter 5.xxxii. how we came in sight of lantern-land. having been but scurvily entertained in the land of satin, we went o' board, and having set sail, in four days came near the coast of lantern-land. we then saw certain little hovering fires on the sea. for my part, i did not take them to be lanterns, but rather thought they were fishes which lolled their flaming tongues on the surface of the sea, or lampyrides, which some call cicindelas, or glowworms, shining there as ripe barley does o' nights in my country. but the skipper satisfied us that they were the lanterns of the watch, or, more properly, lighthouses, set up in many places round the precinct of the place to discover the land, and for the safe piloting in of some outlandish lanterns, which, like good franciscan and jacobin friars, were coming to make their personal appearance at the provincial chapter. however, some of us were somewhat suspicious that these fires were the forerunners of some storm, but the skipper assured us again they were not. chapter 5.xxxiii. how we landed at the port of the lychnobii, and came to lantern-land. soon after we arrived at the port of lantern-land, where pantagruel discovered on a high tower the lantern of rochelle, that stood us in good stead, for it cast a great light. we also saw the lantern of pharos, that of nauplion, and that of acropolis at athens, sacred to pallas. near the port there's a little hamlet inhabited by the lychnobii, that live by lanterns, as the gulligutted friars in our country live by nuns; they are studious people, and as honest men as ever shit in a trumpet. demosthenes had formerly lanternized there. we were conducted from that place to the palace by three obeliscolichnys ('a kind of beacons.'--motteux.), military guards of the port, with high-crowned hats, whom we acquainted with the cause of our voyage, and our design, which was to desire the queen of the country to grant us a lantern to light and conduct us during our voyage to the oracle of the holy bottle. they promised to assist us in this, and added that we could never have come in a better time, for then the lanterns held their provincial chapter. when we came to the royal palace we had audience of her highness the queen of lantern-land, being introduced by two lanterns of honour, that of aristophanes and that of cleanthes (motteux adds here--'mistresses of the ceremonies.'). panurge in a few words acquainted her with the causes of our voyage, and she received us with great demonstrations of friendship, desiring us to come to her at supper-time that we might more easily make choice of one to be our guide; which pleased us extremely. we did not fail to observe intensely everything we could see, as the garbs, motions, and deportment of the queen's subjects, principally the manner after which she was served. the bright queen was dressed in virgin crystal of tutia wrought damaskwise, and beset with large diamonds. the lanterns of the royal blood were clad partly with bastard-diamonds, partly with diaphanous stones; the rest with horn, paper, and oiled cloth. the cresset-lights took place according to the antiquity and lustre of their families. an earthen dark-lantern, shaped like a pot, notwithstanding this took place of some of the first quality; at which i wondered much, till i was told it was that of epictetus, for which three thousand drachmas had been formerly refused. martial's polymix lantern (motteux gives a footnote:--'a lamp with many wicks, or a branch'd candlestick with many springs coming out of it, that supply all the branches with oil.') made a very good figure there. i took particular notice of its dress, and more yet of the lychnosimity formerly consecrated by canopa, the daughter of tisias. i saw the lantern pensile formerly taken out of the temple of apollo palatinus at thebes, and afterwards by alexander the great (carried to the town of cymos). (the words in brackets have been omitted by motteux.) i saw another that distinguished itself from the rest by a bushy tuft of crimson silk on its head. i was told 'twas that of bartolus, the lantern of the civilians. two others were very remarkable for glister-pouches that dangled at their waist. we were told that one was the greater light and the other the lesser light of the apothecaries. when 'twas supper-time, the queen's highness first sat down, and then the lady lanterns, according to their rank and dignity. for the first course they were all served with large christmas candles, except the queen, who was served with a hugeous, thick, stiff, flaming taper of white wax, somewhat red towards the tip; and the royal family, as also the provincial lantern of mirebalais, who were served with nutlights; and the provincial of lower poitou, with an armed candle. after that, god wot, what a glorious light they gave with their wicks! i do not say all, for you must except a parcel of junior lanterns, under the government of a high and mighty one. these did not cast a light like the rest, but seemed to me dimmer than any long-snuff farthing candle whose tallow has been half melted away in a hothouse. after supper we withdrew to take some rest, and the next day the queen made us choose one of the most illustrious lanterns to guide us; after which we took our leave. chapter 5.xxxiv. how we arrived at the oracle of the bottle. our glorious lantern lighting and directing us to heart's content, we at last arrived at the desired island where was the oracle of the bottle. as soon as friend panurge landed, he nimbly cut a caper with one leg for joy, and cried to pantagruel, now we are where we have wished ourselves long ago. this is the place we've been seeking with such toil and labour. he then made a compliment to our lantern, who desired us to be of good cheer, and not be daunted or dismayed whatever we might chance to see. to come to the temple of the holy bottle we were to go through a large vineyard, in which were all sorts of vines, as the falernian, malvoisian, the muscadine, those of taige, beaune, mirevaux, orleans, picardent, arbois, coussi, anjou, grave, corsica, vierron, nerac, and others. this vineyard was formerly planted by the good bacchus, with so great a blessing that it yields leaves, flowers, and fruit all the year round, like the orange trees at suraine. our magnificent lantern ordered every one of us to eat three grapes, to put some vine-leaves in his shoes, and take a vine-branch in his left hand. at the end of the close we went under an arch built after the manner of those of the ancients. the trophies of a toper were curiously carved on it. first, on one side was to be seen a long train of flagons, leathern bottles, flasks, cans, glass bottles, barrels, nipperkins, pint pots, quart pots, pottles, gallons, and old-fashioned semaises (swingeing wooden pots, such as those out of which the germans fill their glasses); these hung on a shady arbour. on another side was store of garlic, onions, shallots, hams, botargos, caviare, biscuits, neat's tongues, old cheese, and such like comfits, very artificially interwoven, and packed together with vine-stocks. on another were a hundred sorts of drinking glasses, cups, cisterns, ewers, false cups, tumblers, bowls, mazers, mugs, jugs, goblets, talboys, and such other bacchic artillery. on the frontispiece of the triumphal arch, under the zoophore, was the following couplet: you who presume to move this way, get a good lantern, lest you stray. we took special care of that, cried pantagruel when he had read them; for there is not a better or a more divine lantern than ours in all lantern-land. this arch ended at a fine large round alley covered over with the interlaid branches of vines, loaded and adorned with clusters of five hundred different colours, and of as many various shapes, not natural, but due to the skill of agriculture; some were golden, others bluish, tawny, azure, white, black, green, purple, streaked with many colours, long, round, triangular, cod-like, hairy, great-headed, and grassy. that pleasant alley ended at three old ivy-trees, verdant, and all loaden with rings. our enlightened lantern directed us to make ourselves hats with some of their leaves, and cover our heads wholly with them, which was immediately done. jupiter's priestess, said pantagruel, in former days would not like us have walked under this arbour. there was a mystical reason, answered our most perspicuous lantern, that would have hindered her; for had she gone under it, the wine, or the grapes of which 'tis made, that's the same thing, had been over her head, and then she would have seemed overtopped and mastered by wine. which implies that priests, and all persons who devote themselves to the contemplation of divine things, ought to keep their minds sedate and calm, and avoid whatever might disturb and discompose their tranquillity, which nothing is more apt to do than drunkenness. you also, continued our lantern, could not come into the holy bottle's presence, after you have gone through this arch, did not that noble priestess bacbuc first see your shoes full of vine-leaves; which action is diametrically opposite to the other, and signifies that you despise wine, and having mastered it, as it were, tread it under foot. i am no scholar, quoth friar john, for which i'm heartily sorry, yet i find by my breviary that in the revelation a woman was seen with the moon under her feet, which was a most wonderful sight. now, as bigot explained it to me, this was to signify that she was not of the nature of other women; for they have all the moon at their heads, and consequently their brains are always troubled with a lunacy. this makes me willing to believe what you said, dear madam lantern. chapter 5.xxxv. how we went underground to come to the temple of the holy bottle, and how chinon is the oldest city in the world. we went underground through a plastered vault, on which was coarsely painted a dance of women and satyrs waiting on old silenus, who was grinning o' horseback on his ass. this made me say to pantagruel, that this entry put me in mind of the painted cellar in the oldest city in the world, where such paintings are to be seen, and in as cool a place. which is the oldest city in the world? asked pantagruel. 'tis chinon, sir, or cainon in touraine, said i. i know, returned pantagruel, where chinon lies, and the painted cellar also, having myself drunk there many a glass of cool wine; neither do i doubt but that chinon is an ancient town --witness its blazon. i own 'tis said twice or thrice: chinon, little town, great renown, on old stone long has stood; there's the vienne, if you look down; if you look up, there's the wood. but how, continued he, can you make it out that 'tis the oldest city in the world? where did you find this written? i have found it in the sacred writ, said i, that cain was the first that built a town; we may then reasonably conjecture that from his name he gave it that of cainon. thus, after his example, most other founders of towns have given them their names: athena, that's minerva in greek, to athens; alexander to alexandria; constantine to constantinople; pompey to pompeiopolis in cilicia; adrian to adrianople; canaan, to the canaanites; saba, to the sabaeans; assur, to the assyrians; and so ptolemais, caesarea, tiberias, and herodium in judaea got their names. while we were thus talking, there came to us the great flask whom our lantern called the philosopher, her holiness the bottle's governor. he was attended with a troop of the temple-guards, all french bottles in wicker armour; and seeing us with our javelins wrapped with ivy, with our illustrious lantern, whom he knew, he desired us to come in with all manner of safety, and ordered we should be immediately conducted to the princess bacbuc, the bottle's lady of honour, and priestess of all the mysteries; which was done. chapter 5.xxxvi. how we went down the tetradic steps, and of panurge's fear. we went down one marble step under ground, where there was a resting, or, as our workmen call it, a landing-place; then, turning to the left, we went down two other steps, where there was another resting-place; after that we came to three other steps, turning about, and met a third; and the like at four steps which we met afterwards. there quoth panurge, is it here? how many steps have you told? asked our magnificent lantern. one, two, three, four, answered pantagruel. how much is that? asked she. ten, returned he. multiply that, said she, according to the same pythagorical tetrad. that is, ten, twenty, thirty, forty, cried pantagruel. how much is the whole? said she. one hundred, answered pantagruel. add, continued she, the first cube--that's eight. at the end of that fatal number you'll find the temple gate; and pray observe, this is the true psychogony of plato, so celebrated by the academics, yet so little understood; one moiety of which consists of the unity of the two first numbers full of two square and two cubic numbers. we then went down those numerical stairs, all under ground, and i can assure you, in the first place, that our legs stood us in good stead; for had it not been for 'em, we had rolled just like so many hogsheads into a vault. secondly, our radiant lantern gave us just so much light as is in st. patrick's hole in ireland, or trophonius's pit in boeotia; which caused panurge to say to her, after we had got down some seventy-eight steps: dear madam, with a sorrowful, aching heart, i most humbly beseech your lanternship to lead us back. may i be led to hell if i be not half dead with fear; my heart is sunk down into my hose; i am afraid i shall make buttered eggs in my breeches. i freely consent never to marry. you have given yourself too much trouble on my account. the lord shall reward you in his great rewarder; neither will i be ungrateful when i come out of this cave of troglodytes. let's go back, i pray you. i'm very much afraid this is taenarus, the low way to hell, and methinks i already hear cerberus bark. hark! i hear the cur, or my ears tingle. i have no manner of kindness for the dog, for there never is a greater toothache than when dogs bite us by the shins. and if this be only trophonius's pit, the lemures, hobthrushes, and goblins will certainly swallow us alive, just as they devoured formerly one of demetrius's halberdiers for want of bridles. art thou here, friar john? prithee, dear, dear cod, stay by me; i'm almost dead with fear. hast thou got thy bilbo? alas! poor pilgarlic's defenceless. i'm a naked man, thou knowest; let's go back. zoons, fear nothing, cried friar john; i'm by thee, and have thee fast by the collar; eighteen devils shan't get thee out of my clutches, though i were unarmed. never did a man yet want weapons who had a good arm with as stout a heart. heaven would sooner send down a shower of them; even as in provence, in the fields of la crau, near mariannes, there rained stones (they are there to this day) to help hercules, who otherwise wanted wherewithal to fight neptune's two bastards. but whither are we bound? are we a-going to the little children's limbo? by pluto, they'll bepaw and conskite us all. or are we going to hell for orders? by cob's body, i'll hamper, bethwack, and belabour all the devils, now i have some vine-leaves in my shoes. thou shalt see me lay about me like mad, old boy. which way? where the devil are they? i fear nothing but their damned horns; but cuckoldy panurge's bull-feather will altogether secure me from 'em. lo! in a prophetic spirit i already see him, like another actaeon, horned, horny, hornified. prithee, quoth panurge, take heed thyself, dear frater, lest, till monks have leave to marry, thou weddest something thou dostn't like, as some cat-o'-nine-tails or the quartan ague; if thou dost, may i never come safe and sound out of this hypogeum, this subterranean cave, if i don't tup and ram that disease merely for the sake of making thee a cornuted, corniferous property; otherwise i fancy the quartan ague is but an indifferent bedfellow. i remember gripe-men-all threatened to wed thee to some such thing; for which thou calledest him heretic. here our splendid lantern interrupted them, letting us know this was the place where we were to have a taste of the creature, and be silent; bidding us not despair of having the word of the bottle before we went back, since we had lined our shoes with vine-leaves. come on then, cried panurge, let's charge through and through all the devils of hell; we can but perish, and that's soon done. however, i thought to have reserved my life for some mighty battle. move, move, move forwards; i am as stout as hercules, my breeches are full of courage; my heart trembles a little, i own, but that's only an effect of the coldness and dampness of this vault; 'tis neither fear nor ague. come on, move on, piss, pish, push on. my name's william dreadnought. chapter 5.xxxvii. how the temple gates in a wonderful manner opened of themselves. after we were got down the steps, we came to a portal of fine jasper, of doric order, on whose front we read this sentence in the finest gold, en oino aletheia--that is, in wine truth. the gates were of corinthian-like brass, massy, wrought with little vine-branches, finely embossed and engraven, and were equally joined and closed together in their mortise without padlock, key-chain, or tie whatsoever. where they joined, there hanged an indian loadstone as big as an egyptian bean, set in gold, having two points, hexagonal, in a right line; and on each side, towards the wall, hung a handful of scordium (garlic germander). there our noble lantern desired us not to take it amiss that she went no farther with us, leaving us wholly to the conduct of the priestess bacbuc; for she herself was not allowed to go in, for certain causes rather to be concealed than revealed to mortals. however, she advised us to be resolute and secure, and to trust to her for the return. she then pulled the loadstone that hung at the folding of the gates, and threw it into a silver box fixed for that purpose; which done, from the threshold of each gate she drew a twine of crimson silk about nine feet long, by which the scordium hung, and having fastened it to two gold buckles that hung at the sides, she withdrew. immediately the gates flew open without being touched; not with a creaking or loud harsh noise like that made by heavy brazen gates, but with a soft pleasing murmur that resounded through the arches of the temple. pantagruel soon knew the cause of it, having discovered a small cylinder or roller that joined the gates over the threshold, and, turning like them towards the wall on a hard well-polished ophites stone, with rubbing and rolling caused that harmonious murmur. i wondered how the gates thus opened of themselves to the right and left, and after we were all got in, i cast my eye between the gates and the wall to endeavour to know how this happened; for one would have thought our kind lantern had put between the gates the herb aethiopis, which they say opens some things that are shut. but i perceived that the parts of the gates that joined on the inside were covered with steel, and just where the said gates touched when they were opened i saw two square indian loadstones of a bluish hue, well polished, and half a span broad, mortised in the temple wall. now, by the hidden and admirable power of the loadstones, the steel plates were put into motion, and consequently the gates were slowly drawn; however, not always, but when the said loadstone on the outside was removed, after which the steel was freed from its power, the two bunches of scordium being at the same time put at some distance, because it deadens the magnes and robs it of its attractive virtue. on the loadstone that was placed on the right side the following iambic verse was curiously engraven in ancient roman characters: ducunt volentem fata, nolentem trahunt. fate leads the willing, and th' unwilling draws. the following sentence was neatly cut in the loadstone that was on the left: all things tend to their end. chapter 5.xxxviii. of the temple's admirable pavement. when i had read those inscriptions, i admired the beauty of the temple, and particularly the disposition of its pavement, with which no work that is now, or has been under the cope of heaven, can justly be compared; not that of the temple of fortune at praeneste in sylla's time, or the pavement of the greeks, called asarotum, laid by sosistratus at pergamus. for this here was wholly in compartments of precious stones, all in their natural colours: one of red jasper, most charmingly spotted; another of ophites; a third of porphyry; a fourth of lycophthalmy, a stone of four different colours, powdered with sparks of gold as small as atoms; a fifth of agate, streaked here and there with small milk-coloured waves; a sixth of costly chalcedony or onyx-stone; and another of green jasper, with certain red and yellowish veins. and all these were disposed in a diagonal line. at the portico some small stones were inlaid and evenly joined on the floor, all in their native colours, to embellish the design of the figures; and they were ordered in such a manner that you would have thought some vine-leaves and branches had been carelessly strewed on the pavement; for in some places they were thick, and thin in others. that inlaying was very wonderful everywhere. here were seen, as it were in the shade, some snails crawling on the grapes; there, little lizards running on the branches. on this side were grapes that seemed yet greenish; on another, some clusters that seemed full ripe, so like the true that they could as easily have deceived starlings and other birds as those which zeuxis drew. nay, we ourselves were deceived; for where the artist seemed to have strewed the vine-branches thickest, we could not forbear walking with great strides lest we should entangle our feet, just as people go over an unequal stony place. i then cast my eyes on the roof and walls of the temple, that were all pargetted with porphyry and mosaic work, which from the left side at the coming in most admirably represented the battle in which the good bacchus overthrew the indians; as followeth. chapter 5.xxxix. how we saw bacchus's army drawn up in battalia in mosaic work. at the beginning, divers towns, hamlets, castles, fortresses, and forests were seen in flames; and several mad and loose women, who furiously ripped up and tore live calves, sheep, and lambs limb from limb, and devoured their flesh. there we learned how bacchus, at his coming into india, destroyed all things with fire and sword. notwithstanding this, he was so despised by the indians that they did not think it worth their while to stop his progress, having been certainly informed by their spies that his camp was destitute of warriors, and that he had only with him a crew of drunken females, a low-built, old, effeminate, sottish fellow, continually addled, and as drunk as a wheelbarrow, with a pack of young clownish doddipolls, stark naked, always skipping and frisking up and down, with tails and horns like those of young kids. for this reason the indians had resolved to let them go through their country without the least opposition, esteeming a victory over such enemies more dishonourable than glorious. in the meantime bacchus marched on, burning everything; for, as you know, fire and thunder are his paternal arms, jupiter having saluted his mother semele with his thunder, so that his maternal house was ruined by fire. bacchus also caused a great deal of blood to be spilt; which, when he is roused and angered, principally in war, is as natural to him as to make some in time of peace. thus the plains of the island of samos are called panema, which signifies bloody, because bacchus there overtook the amazons, who fled from the country of ephesus, and there let 'em blood, so that they all died of phlebotomy. this may give you a better insight into the meaning of an ancient proverb than aristotle has done in his problems, viz., why 'twas formerly said, neither eat nor sow any mint in time of war. the reason is, that blows are given then without any distinction of parts or persons, and if a man that's wounded has that day handled or eaten any mint, 'tis impossible, or at least very hard, to stanch his blood. after this, bacchus was seen marching in battalia, riding in a stately chariot drawn by six young leopards. he looked as young as a child, to show that all good topers never grow old. he was as red as a cherry, or a cherub, which you please, and had no more hair on his chin than there's in the inside of my hand. his forehead was graced with pointed horns, above which he wore a fine crown or garland of vine-leaves and grapes, and a mitre of crimson velvet, having also gilt buskins on. he had not one man with him that looked like a man; his guards and all his forces consisted wholly of bassarides, evantes, euhyades, edonides, trietherides, ogygiae, mimallonides, maenades, thyades, and bacchae, frantic, raving, raging, furious, mad women, begirt with live snakes and serpents instead of girdles, dishevelled, their hair flowing about their shoulders, with garlands of vine-branches instead of forehead-cloths, clad with stag's or goat's skins, and armed with torches, javelins, spears, and halberds whose ends were like pineapples. besides, they had certain small light bucklers that gave a loud sound if you touched 'em never so little, and these served them instead of drums. they were just seventy-nine thousand two hundred and twenty-seven. silenus, who led the van, was one on whom bacchus relied very much, having formerly had many proofs of his valour and conduct. he was a diminutive, stooping, palsied, plump, gorbellied old fellow, with a swingeing pair of stiff-standing lugs of his own, a sharp roman nose, large rough eyebrows, mounted on a well-hung ass. in his fist he held a staff to lean upon, and also bravely to fight whenever he had occasion to alight; and he was dressed in a woman's yellow gown. his followers were all young, wild, clownish people, as hornified as so many kids and as fell as so many tigers, naked, and perpetually singing and dancing country-dances. they were called tityri and satyrs, and were in all eighty-five thousand one hundred and thirty-three. pan, who brought up the rear, was a monstrous sort of a thing; for his lower parts were like a goat's, his thighs hairy, and his horns bolt upright; a crimson fiery phiz, and a beard that was none of the shortest. he was a bold, stout, daring, desperate fellow, very apt to take pepper in the nose for yea and nay. in his left hand he held a pipe, and a crooked stick in his right. his forces consisted also wholly of satyrs, aegipanes, agripanes, sylvans, fauns, lemures, lares, elves, and hobgoblins, and their number was seventy-eight thousand one hundred and fourteen. the signal or word common to all the army was evohe. chapter 5.xl. how the battle in which the good bacchus overthrew the indians was represented in mosaic work. in the next place we saw the representation of the good bacchus's engagement with the indians. silenus, who led the van, was sweating, puffing, and blowing, belabouring his ass most grievously. the ass dreadfully opened its wide jaws, drove away the flies that plagued it, winced, flounced, went back, and bestirred itself in a most terrible manner, as if some damned gad-bee had stung it at the breech. the satyrs, captains, sergeants, and corporals of companies, sounding the orgies with cornets, in a furious manner went round the army, skipping, capering, bounding, jerking, farting, flying out at heels, kicking and prancing like mad, encouraging their companions to fight bravely; and all the delineated army cried out evohe! first, the maenades charged the indians with dreadful shouts, and a horrid din of their brazen drums and bucklers; the air rung again all around, as the mosaic work well expressed it. and pray for the future don't so much admire apelles, aristides the theban, and others who drew claps of thunder, lightnings, winds, words, manners, and spirits. we then saw the indian army, who had at last taken the field to prevent the devastation of the rest of their country. in the front were the elephants, with castles well garrisoned on their backs. but the army and themselves were put into disorder; the dreadful cries of the bacchae having filled them with consternation, and those huge animals turned tail and trampled on the men of their party. there you might have seen gaffer silenus on his ass, putting on as hard as he could, striking athwart and alongst, and laying about him lustily with his staff after the old fashion of fencing. his ass was prancing and making after the elephants, gaping and martially braying, as it were to sound a charge, as he did when formerly in the bacchanalian feasts he waked the nymph lottis, when priapus, full of priapism, had a mind to priapize while the pretty creature was taking a nap. there you might have seen pan frisk it with his goatish shanks about the maenades, and with his rustic pipe excite them to behave themselves like maenades. a little further you might have blessed your eyes with the sight of a young satyr who led seventeen kings his prisoners; and a bacchis, who with her snakes hauled along no less than two and forty captains; a little faun, who carried a whole dozen of standards taken from the enemy; and goodman bacchus on his chariot, riding to and fro fearless of danger, making much of his dear carcass, and cheerfully toping to all his merry friends. finally, we saw the representation of his triumph, which was thus: first, his chariot was wholly lined with ivy gathered on the mountain meros; this for its scarcity, which you know raises the price of everything, and principally of those leaves in india. in this alexander the great followed his example at his indian triumph. the chariot was drawn by elephants joined together, wherein he was imitated by pompey the great at rome in his african triumph. the good bacchus was seen drinking out of a mighty urn, which action marius aped after his victory over the cimbri near aix in provence. all his army were crowned with ivy; their javelins, bucklers, and drums were also wholly covered with it; there was not so much as silenus's ass but was betrapped with it. the indian kings were fastened with chains of gold close by the wheels of the chariot. all the company marched in pomp with unspeakable joy, loaded with an infinite number of trophies, pageants, and spoils, playing and singing merry epiniciums, songs of triumph, and also rural lays and dithyrambs. at the farthest end was a prospect of the land of egypt; the nile with its crocodiles, marmosets, ibides, monkeys, trochiloses, or wrens, ichneumons, or pharoah's mice, hippopotami, or sea-horses, and other creatures, its guests and neighbours. bacchus was moving towards that country under the conduct of a couple of horned beasts, on one of which was written in gold, apis, and osiris on the other; because no ox or cow had been seen in egypt till bacchus came thither. chapter 5.xli. how the temple was illuminated with a wonderful lamp. before i proceed to the description of the bottle, i'll give you that of an admirable lamp that dispensed so large a light over all the temple that, though it lay underground, we could distinguish every object as clearly as above it at noonday. in the middle of the roof was fixed a ring of massive gold, as thick as my clenched fist. three chains somewhat less, most curiously wrought, hung about two feet and a half below it, and in a triangle supported a round plate of fine gold whose diameter or breadth did not exceed two cubits and half a span. there were four holes in it, in each of which an empty ball was fastened, hollow within, and open o' top, like a little lamp; its circumference about two hands' breadth. each ball was of precious stone; one an amethyst, another an african carbuncle, the third an opal, and the fourth an anthracites. they were full of burning water five times distilled in a serpentine limbec, and inconsumptible, like the oil formerly put into pallas' golden lamp at acropolis of athens by callimachus. in each of them was a flaming wick, partly of asbestine flax, as of old in the temple of jupiter ammon, such as those which cleombrotus, a most studious philosopher, saw, and partly of carpasian flax (ozell's correction. motteux reads, 'which cleombrotus, a most studious philosopher, and pandelinus of carpasium had, which were,' &c.), which were rather renewed than consumed by the fire. about two foot and a half below that gold plate, the three chains were fastened to three handles that were fixed to a large round lamp of most pure crystal, whose diameter was a cubit and a half, and opened about two hands' breadths o' top; by which open place a vessel of the same crystal, shaped somewhat like the lower part of a gourd-like limbec, or an urinal, was put at the bottom of the great lamp, with such a quantity of the afore-mentioned burning water, that the flame of the asbestine wick reached the centre of the great lamp. this made all its spherical body seem to burn and be in a flame, because the fire was just at the centre and middle point, so that it was not more easy to fix the eye on it than on the disc of the sun, the matter being wonderfully bright and shining, and the work most transparent and dazzling by the reflection of the various colours of the precious stones whereof the four small lamps above the main lamp were made, and their lustre was still variously glittering all over the temple. then this wandering light being darted on the polished marble and agate with which all the inside of the temple was pargetted, our eyes were entertained with a sight of all the admirable colours which the rainbow can boast when the sun darts his fiery rays on some dropping clouds. the design of the lamp was admirable in itself, but, in my opinion, what added much to the beauty of the whole, was that round the body of the crystal lamp there was carved in cataglyphic work a lively and pleasant battle of naked boys, mounted on little hobby-horses, with little whirligig lances and shields that seemed made of vine-branches with grapes on them; their postures generally were very different, and their childish strife and motions were so ingeniously expressed that art equalled nature in every proportion and action. neither did this seem engraved, but rather hewed out and embossed in relief, or at least like grotesque, which, by the artist's skill, has the appearance of the roundness of the object it represents. this was partly the effect of the various and most charming light, which, flowing out of the lamp, filled the carved places with its glorious rays. chapter 5.xlii ('this and the next chapter make really but one, tho' mr. motteux has made two of them; the first of which contains but eight lines, according to him, and ends at the words fantastic fountain.'--ozell.). how the priestess bacbuc showed us a fantastic fountain in the temple, and how the fountain-water had the taste of wine, according to the imagination of those who drank of it. while we were admiring this incomparable lamp and the stupendous structure of the temple, the venerable priestess bacbuc and her attendants came to us with jolly smiling looks, and seeing us duly accoutred, without the least difficulty took us into the middle of the temple, where, just under the aforesaid lamp, was the fine fantastic fountain. she then ordered some cups, goblets, and talboys of gold, silver, and crystal to be brought, and kindly invited us to drink of the liquor that sprung there, which we readily did; for, to say the truth, this fantastic fountain was very inviting, and its materials and workmanship more precious, rare, and admirable than anything plato ever dreamt of in limbo. its basis or groundwork was of most pure and limpid alabaster, and its height somewhat more than three spans, being a regular heptagon on the outside, with its stylobates or footsteps, arulets, cymasults or blunt tops, and doric undulations about it. it was exactly round within. on the middle point of each angle brink stood a pillar orbiculated in form of ivory or alabaster solid rings. these were seven in number, according to the number of the angles (this sentence, restored by ozell, is omitted by motteux.). each pillar's length from the basis to the architraves was near seven hands, taking an exact dimension of its diameter through the centre of its circumference and inward roundness; and it was so disposed that, casting our eyes behind one of them, whatever its cube might be, to view its opposite, we found that the pyramidal cone of our visual line ended at the said centre, and there, by the two opposites, formed an equilateral triangle whose two lines divided the pillar into two equal parts. that which we had a mind to measure, going from one side to another, two pillars over, at the first third part of the distance between them, was met by their lowermost and fundamental line, which, in a consult line drawn as far as the universal centre, equally divided, gave, in a just partition, the distance of the seven opposite pillars in a right line, beginning at the obtuse angle on the brink, as you know that an angle is always found placed between two others in all angular figures odd in number. this tacitly gave us to understand that seven semidiameters are in geometrical proportion, compass, and distance somewhat less than the circumference of a circle, from the figure of which they are extracted; that is to say, three whole parts, with an eighth and a half, a little more, or a seventh and a half, a little less, according to the instructions given us of old by euclid, aristotle, archimedes, and others. the first pillar, i mean that which faced the temple gate, was of azure, sky-coloured sapphire. the second, of hyacinth, a precious stone exactly of the colour of the flower into which ajax's choleric blood was transformed; the greek letters a i being seen on it in many places. the third, an anachite diamond, as bright and glittering as lightning. the fourth, a masculine ruby balas (peach-coloured) amethystizing, its flame and lustre ending in violet or purple like an amethyst. the fifth, an emerald, above five hundred and fifty times more precious than that of serapis in the labyrinth of the egyptians, and more verdant and shining than those that were fixed, instead of eyes, in the marble lion's head near king hermias's tomb. the sixth, of agate, more admirable and various in the distinctions of its veins, clouds, and colours than that which pyrrhus, king of epirus, so mightily esteemed. the seventh, of syenites, transparent, of the colour of a beryl and the clear hue of hymetian honey; and within it the moon was seen, such as we see it in the sky, silent, full, new, and in the wane. these stones were assigned to the seven heavenly planets by the ancient chaldaeans; and that the meanest capacities might be informed of this, just at the central perpendicular line, on the chapter of the first pillar, which was of sapphire, stood the image of saturn in elutian (motteux reads 'eliacim.') lead, with his scythe in his hand, and at his feet a crane of gold, very artfully enamelled, according to the native hue of the saturnine bird. on the second, which was of hyacinth, towards the left, jupiter was seen in jovetian brass, and on his breast an eagle of gold enamelled to the life. on the third was phoebus of the purest gold, and a white cock in his right hand. on the fourth was mars in corinthian brass, and a lion at his feet. on the fifth was venus in copper, the metal of which aristonides made athamas's statue, that expressed in a blushing whiteness his confusion at the sight of his son learchus, who died at his feet of a fall. on the sixth was mercury in hydrargyre. i would have said quicksilver, had it not been fixed, malleable, and unmovable. that nimble deity had a stork at his feet. on the seventh was the moon in silver, with a greyhound at her feet. the size of these statues was somewhat more than a third part of the pillars on which they stood, and they were so admirably wrought according to mathematical proportion that polycletus's canon could hardly have stood in competition with them. the bases of the pillars, the chapters, the architraves, zoophores, and cornices were phrygian work of massive gold, purer and finer than any that is found in the rivers leede near montpellier, ganges in india, po in italy, hebrus in thrace, tagus in spain, and pactolus in lydia. the small arches between the pillars were of the same precious stone of which the pillars next to them were. thus, that arch was of sapphire which ended at the hyacinth pillar, and that was of hyacinth which went towards the diamond, and so on. above the arches and chapters of the pillars, on the inward front, a cupola was raised to cover the fountain. it was surrounded by the planetary statues, heptagonal at the bottom, and spherical o' top, and of crystal so pure, transparent, well-polished, whole and uniform in all its parts, without veins, clouds, flaws, or streaks, that xenocrates never saw such a one in his life. within it were seen the twelve signs of the zodiac, the twelve months of the year, with their properties, the two equinoxes, the ecliptic line, with some of the most remarkable fixed stars about the antartic pole and elsewhere, so curiously engraven that i fancied them to be the workmanship of king necepsus, or petosiris, the ancient mathematician. on the top of the cupola, just over the centre of the fountain, were three noble long pearls, all of one size, pear fashion, perfectly imitating a tear, and so joined together as to represent a flower-de-luce or lily, each of the flowers seeming above a hand's breadth. a carbuncle jetted out of its calyx or cup as big as an ostrich's egg, cut seven square (that number so beloved of nature), and so prodigiously glorious that the sight of it had like to have made us blind, for the fiery sun or the pointed lightning are not more dazzling and unsufferably bright. now, were some judicious appraisers to judge of the value of this incomparable fountain, and the lamp of which we have spoke, they would undoubtedly affirm it exceeds that of all the treasures and curiosities in europe, asia, and africa put together. for that carbuncle alone would have darkened the pantarbe of iarchus (motteux reads 'joachas.') the indian magician, with as much ease as the sun outshines and dims the stars with his meridian rays. nor let cleopatra, that egyptian queen, boast of her pair of pendants, those two pearls, one of which she caused to be dissolved in vinegar, in the presence of antony the triumvir, her gallant. or let pompeia plautina be proud of her dress covered all over with emeralds and pearls curiously intermixed, she who attracted the eyes of all rome, and was said to be the pit and magazine of the conquering robbers of the universe. the fountain had three tubes or channels of right pearl, seated in three equilateral angles already mentioned, extended on the margin, and those channels proceeded in a snail-like line, winding equally on both sides. we looked on them a while, and had cast our eyes on another side, when bacbuc directed us to watch the water. we then heard a most harmonious sound, yet somewhat stopped by starts, far distant, and subterranean, by which means it was still more pleasing than if it had been free, uninterrupted, and near us, so that our minds were as agreeably entertained through our ears with that charming melody as they were through the windows of our eyes with those delightful objects. bacbuc then said, your philosophers will not allow that motion is begot by the power of figures; look here, and see the contrary. by that single snail-like motion, equally divided as you see, and a fivefold infoliature, movable at every inward meeting, such as is the vena cava where it enters into the right ventricle of the heart; just so is the flowing of this fountain, and by it a harmony ascends as high as your world's ocean. she then ordered her attendants to make us drink; and, to tell you the truth of the matter as near as possible, we are not, heaven be praised! of the nature of a drove of calf-lollies, who (as your sparrows can't feed unless you bob them on the tail) must be rib-roasted with tough crabtree and firked into a stomach, or at least into an humour to eat or drink. no, we know better things, and scorn to scorn any man's civility who civilly invites us to a drinking bout. bacbuc asked us then how we liked our tiff. we answered that it seemed to us good harmless sober adam's liquor, fit to keep a man in the right way, and, in a word, mere element; more cool and clear than argyrontes in aetolia, peneus in thessaly, axius in mygdonia, or cydnus in cilicia, a tempting sight of whose cool silver stream caused alexander to prefer the short-lived pleasure of bathing himself in it to the inconveniences which he could not but foresee would attend so ill-termed an action. this, said bacbuc, comes of not considering with ourselves, or understanding the motions of the musculous tongue, when the drink glides on it in its way to the stomach. tell me, noble strangers, are your throats lined, paved, or enamelled, as formerly was that of pithyllus, nicknamed theutes, that you can have missed the taste, relish, and flavour of this divine liquor? here, said she, turning towards her gentlewomen, bring my scrubbing-brushes, you know which, to scrape, rake, and clear their palates. they brought immediately some stately, swingeing, jolly hams, fine substantial neat's tongues, good hung-beef, pure and delicate botargos, venison, sausages, and such other gullet-sweepers. and, to comply with her invitation, we crammed and twisted till we owned ourselves thoroughly cured of thirst, which before did damnably plague us. we are told, continued she, that formerly a learned and valiant hebrew chief, leading his people through the deserts, where they were in danger of being famished, obtained of god some manna, whose taste was to them, by imagination, such as that of meat was to them before in reality; thus, drinking of this miraculous liquor, you'll find it taste like any wine that you shall fancy you drink. come, then, fancy and drink. we did so, and panurge had no sooner whipped off his brimmer but he cried, by noah's open shop, 'tis vin de beaune, better than ever was yet tipped over tongue, or may ninety-six devils swallow me. oh! that to keep its taste the longer, we gentlemen topers had but necks some three cubits long or so, as philoxenus desired to have, or, at least, like a crane's, as melanthius wished his. on the faith of true lanterners, quoth friar john, 'tis gallant, sparkling greek wine. now, for god's sake, sweetheart, do but teach me how the devil you make it. it seems to me mirevaux wine, said pantagruel; for before i drank i supposed it to be such. nothing can be misliked in it, but that 'tis cold; colder, i say, than the very ice; colder than the nonacrian and dercean (motteux reads 'deraen.') water, or the conthoporian (motteux, 'conthopian.') spring at corinth, that froze up the stomach and nutritive parts of those that drank of it. drink once, twice, or thrice more, said bacbuc, still changing your imagination, and you shall find its taste and flavour to be exactly that on which you shall have pitched. then never presume to say that anything is impossible to god. we never offered to say such a thing, said i; far from it, we maintain he is omnipotent. chapter 5.xliii. how the priestess bacbuc equipped panurge in order to have the word of the bottle. when we had thus chatted and tippled, bacbuc asked, who of you here would have the word of the bottle? i, your most humble little funnel, an't please you, quoth panurge. friend, saith she, i have but one thing to tell you, which is, that when you come to the oracle, you take care to hearken and hear the word only with one ear. this, cried friar john, is wine of one ear, as frenchmen call it. she then wrapped him up in a gaberdine, bound his noddle with a goodly clean biggin, clapped over it a felt such as those through which hippocras is distilled, at the bottom of which, instead of a cowl, she put three obelisks, made him draw on a pair of old-fashioned codpieces instead of mittens, girded him about with three bagpipes bound together, bathed his jobbernowl thrice in the fountain; then threw a handful of meal on his phiz, fixed three cock's feathers on the right side of the hippocratical felt, made him take a jaunt nine times round the fountain, caused him to take three little leaps and to bump his a-seven times against the ground, repeating i don't know what kind of conjurations all the while in the tuscan tongue, and ever and anon reading in a ritual or book of ceremonies, carried after her by one of her mystagogues. for my part, may i never stir if i don't really believe that neither numa pompilius, the second king of the romans, nor the cerites of tuscia, and the old hebrew captain ever instituted so many ceremonies as i then saw performed; nor were ever half so many religious forms used by the soothsayers of memphis in egypt to apis, or by the euboeans, at rhamnus (motteux gives 'or by the embrians, or at rhamnus.'), to rhamnusia, or to jupiter ammon, or to feronia. when she had thus accoutred my gentleman, she took him out of our company, and led him out of the temple, through a golden gate on the right, into a round chapel made of transparent speculary stones, by whose solid clearness the sun's light shined there through the precipice of the rock without any windows or other entrance, and so easily and fully dispersed itself through the greater temple that the light seemed rather to spring out of it than to flow into it. the workmanship was not less rare than that of the sacred temple at ravenna, or that in the island of chemnis in egypt. nor must i forget to tell you that the work of that round chapel was contrived with such a symmetry that its diameter was just the height of the vault. in the middle of it was an heptagonal fountain of fine alabaster most artfully wrought, full of water, which was so clear that it might have passed for element in its purity and singleness. the sacred bottle was in it to the middle, clad in pure fine crystal of an oval shape, except its muzzle, which was somewhat wider than was consistent with that figure. chapter 5.xliv. how bacbuc, the high-priestess, brought panurge before the holy bottle. there the noble priestess bacbuc made panurge stoop and kiss the brink of the fountain; then bade him rise and dance three ithymbi ('dances in the honour of bacchus.'--motteux.). which done, she ordered him to sit down between two stools placed there for that purpose, his arse upon the ground. then she opened her ceremonial book, and, whispering in his left ear, made him sing an epileny, inserted here in the figure of the bottle. bottle, whose mysterious deep do's ten thousand secrets keep, with attentive ear i wait; ease my mind, and speak my fate. soul of joy! like bacchus, we more than india gain by thee. truths unborn thy juice reveals, which futurity conceals. antidote to frauds and lies, wine, that mounts us to the skies, may thy father noah's brood like him drown, but in thy flood. speak, so may the liquid mine of rubies, or of diamonds shine. bottle, whose mysterious deep do's ten thousand secrets keep, with attentive ear i wait; ease my mind, and speak my fate. when panurge had sung, bacbuc threw i don't know what into the fountain, and straight its water began to boil in good earnest, just for the world as doth the great monastical pot at bourgueil when 'tis high holiday there. friend panurge was listening with one ear, and bacbuc kneeled by him, when such a kind of humming was heard out of the bottle as is made by a swarm of bees bred in the flesh of a young bull killed and dressed according to aristaeus's art, or such as is made when a bolt flies out of a crossbow, or when a shower falls on a sudden in summer. immediately after this was heard the word trinc. by cob's body, cried panurge, 'tis broken, or cracked at least, not to tell a lie for the matter; for even so do crystal bottles speak in our country when they burst near the fire. bacbuc arose, and gently taking panurge under the arms, said, friend, offer your thanks to indulgent heaven, as reason requires. you have soon had the word of the goddess-bottle; and the kindest, most favourable, and certain word of answer that i ever yet heard her give since i officiated here at her most sacred oracle. rise, let us go to the chapter, in whose gloss that fine word is explained. with all my heart, quoth panurge; by jingo, i am just as wise as i was last year. light, where's the book? turn it over, where's the chapter? let's see this merry gloss. chapter 5.xlv. how bacbuc explained the word of the goddess-bottle. bacbuc having thrown i don't know what into the fountain, straight the water ceased to boil; and then she took panurge into the greater temple, in the central place, where there was the enlivening fountain. there she took out a hugeous silver book, in the shape of a half-tierce, or hogshead, of sentences, and, having filled it at the fountain, said to him, the philosophers, preachers, and doctors of your world feed you up with fine words and cant at the ears; now, here we really incorporate our precepts at the mouth. therefore i'll not say to you, read this chapter, see this gloss; no, i say to you, taste me this fine chapter, swallow me this rare gloss. formerly an ancient prophet of the jewish nation ate a book and became a clerk even to the very teeth! now will i have you drink one, that you may be a clerk to your very liver. here, open your mandibules. panurge gaping as wide as his jaws would stretch, bacbuc took the silver book--at least we took it for a real book, for it looked just for the world like a breviary--but in truth it was a breviary, a flask of right falernian wine as it came from the grape, which she made him swallow every drop. by bacchus, quoth panurge, this was a notable chapter, a most authentic gloss, o' my word. is this all that the trismegistian bottle's word means? i' troth, i like it extremely; it went down like mother's milk. nothing more, returned bacbuc; for trinc is a panomphean word, that is, a word understood, used and celebrated by all nations, and signifies drink. some say in your world that sack is a word used in all tongues, and justly admitted in the same sense among all nations; for, as aesop's fable hath it, all men are born with a sack at the neck, naturally needy and begging of each other; neither can the most powerful king be without the help of other men, or can anyone that's poor subsist without the rich, though he be never so proud and insolent; as, for example, hippias the philosopher, who boasted he could do everything. much less can anyone make shift without drink than without a sack. therefore here we hold not that laughing, but that drinking is the distinguishing character of man. i don't say drinking, taking that word singly and absolutely in the strictest sense; no, beasts then might put in for a share; i mean drinking cool delicious wine. for you must know, my beloved, that by wine we become divine; neither can there be a surer argument or a less deceitful divination. your ('varro.'--motteux) academics assert the same when they make the etymology of wine, which the greeks call oinos, to be from vis, strength, virtue, and power; for 'tis in its power to fill the soul with all truth, learning, and philosophy. if you observe what is written in ionic letters on the temple gate, you may have understood that truth is in wine. the goddess-bottle therefore directs you to that divine liquor; be yourself the expounder of your undertaking. it is impossible, said pantagruel to panurge, to speak more to the purpose than does this true priestess; you may remember i told you as much when you first spoke to me about it. trinc then: what says your heart, elevated by bacchic enthusiasm? with this quoth panurge: trinc, trinc; by bacchus, let us tope, and tope again; for, now i hope to see some brawny, juicy rump well tickled with my carnal stump. ere long, my friends, i shall be wedded, sure as my trap-stick has a red-head; and my sweet wife shall hold the combat long as my baws can on her bum beat. o what a battle of a-fighting will there be, which i much delight in! what pleasing pains then shall i take to keep myself and spouse awake! all heart and juice, i'll up and ride, and make a duchess of my bride. sing io paean! loudly sing to hymen, who all joys will bring. well, friar john, i'll take my oath, this oracle is full of troth; intelligible truth it bears, more certain than the sieve and shears. chapter 5.xlvi. how panurge and the rest rhymed with poetic fury. what a pox ails the fellow? quoth friar john. stark staring mad, or bewitched, o' my word! do but hear the chiming dotterel gabble in rhyme. what o' devil has he swallowed? his eyes roll in his loggerhead just for the world like a dying goat's. will the addle-pated wight have the grace to sheer off? will he rid us of his damned company, to go shite out his nasty rhyming balderdash in some bog-house? will nobody be so kind as to cram some dog's-bur down the poor cur's gullet? or will he, monk-like, run his fist up to the elbow into his throat to his very maw, to scour and clear his flanks? will he take a hair of the same dog? pantagruel chid friar john, and said: bold monk, forbear! this, i'll assure ye, proceeds all from poetic fury; warmed by the god, inspired with wine, his human soul is made divine. for without jest, his hallowed breast, with wine possessed, could have no rest till he'd expressed some thoughts at least of his great guest. then straight he flies above the skies, and mortifies, with prophecies, our miseries. and since divinely he's inspired, adore the soul by wine acquired, and let the tosspot be admired. how, quoth the friar, the fit rhyming is upon you too? is't come to that? then we are all peppered, or the devil pepper me. what would i not give to have gargantua see us while we are in this maggotty crambo-vein! now may i be cursed with living on that damned empty food, if i can tell whether i shall scape the catching distemper. the devil a bit do i understand which way to go about it; however, the spirit of fustian possesses us all, i find. well, by st. john, i'll poetize, since everybody does; i find it coming. stay, and pray pardon me if i don't rhyme in crimson; 'tis my first essay. thou, who canst water turn to wine, transform my bum, by power divine, into a lantern, that may light my neighbour in the darkest night. panurge then proceeds in his rapture, and says: from pythian tripos ne'er were heard more truths, nor more to be revered. i think from delphos to this spring some wizard brought that conjuring thing. had honest plutarch here been toping, he then so long had ne'er been groping to find, according to his wishes, why oracles are mute as fishes at delphos. now the reason's clear; no more at delphos they're, but here. here is the tripos, out of which is spoke the doom of poor and rich. for athenaeus does relate this bottle is the womb of fate; prolific of mysterious wine, and big with prescience divine, it brings the truth with pleasure forth; besides you ha't a pennyworth. so, friar john, i must exhort you to wait a word that may import you, and to inquire, while here we tarry, if it shall be your luck to marry. friar john answers him in a rage, and says: how, marry! by st. bennet's boot, and his gambadoes, i'll never do't. no man that knows me e'er shall judge i mean to make myself a drudge; or that pilgarlic e'er will dote upon a paltry petticoat. i'll ne'er my liberty betray all for a little leapfrog play; and ever after wear a clog like monkey or like mastiff-dog. no, i'd not have, upon my life, great alexander for my wife, nor pompey, nor his dad-in-law, who did each other clapperclaw. not the best he that wears a head shall win me to his truckle-bed. panurge, pulling off his gaberdine and mystical accoutrements, replied: wherefore thou shalt, thou filthy beast, be damned twelve fathoms deep at least; while i shall reign in paradise, whence on thy loggerhead i'll piss. now when that dreadful hour is come, that thou in hell receiv'st thy doom, e'en there, i know, thou'lt play some trick, and proserpine shan't scape a prick of the long pin within thy breeches. but when thou'rt using these capriches, and caterwauling in her cavern, send pluto to the farthest tavern for the best wine that's to be had, lest he should see, and run horn-mad. she's kind, and ever did admire a well-fed monk or well-hung friar. go to, quoth friar john, thou old noddy, thou doddipolled ninny, go to the devil thou'rt prating of. i've done with rhyming; the rheum gripes me at the gullet. let's talk of paying and going; come. chapter 5.xlvii. how we took our leave of bacbuc, and left the oracle of the holy bottle. do not trouble yourself about anything here, said the priestess to the friar; if you be but satisfied, we are. here below, in these circumcentral regions, we place the sovereign good, not in taking and receiving, but in bestowing and giving; so that we esteem ourselves happy, not if we take and receive much of others, as perhaps the sects of teachers do in your world, but rather if we impart and give much. all i have to beg of you is that you leave us here your names in writing, in this ritual. she then opened a fine large book, and as we gave our names one of her mystagogues with a gold pin drew some lines on it, as if she had been writing; but we could not see any characters. this done, she filled three glasses with fantastic water, and giving them into our hands, said, now, my friends, you may depart, and may that intellectual sphere whose centre is everywhere and circumference nowhere, whom we call god, keep you in his almighty protection. when you come into your world, do not fail to affirm and witness that the greatest treasures and most admirable things are hidden underground, and not without reason. ceres was worshipped because she taught mankind the art of husbandry, and by the use of corn, which she invented, abolished that beastly way of feeding on acorns; and she grievously lamented her daughter's banishment into our subterranean regions, certainly foreseeing that proserpine would meet with more excellent things, more desirable enjoyments, below, than she her mother could be blessed with above. what do you think is become of the art of forcing the thunder and celestial fire down, which the wise prometheus had formerly invented? 'tis most certain you have lost it; 'tis no more on your hemisphere; but here below we have it. and without a cause you sometimes wonder to see whole towns burned and destroyed by lightning and ethereal fire, and are at a loss about knowing from whom, by whom, and to what end those dreadful mischiefs were sent. now, they are familiar and useful to us; and your philosophers who complain that the ancients have left them nothing to write of or to invent, are very much mistaken. those phenomena which you see in the sky, whatever the surface of the earth affords you, and the sea, and every river contain, is not to be compared with what is hid within the bowels of the earth. for this reason the subterranean ruler has justly gained in almost every language the epithet of rich. now when your sages shall wholly apply their minds to a diligent and studious search after truth, humbly begging the assistance of the sovereign god, whom formerly the egyptians in their language called the hidden and the concealed, and invoking him by that name, beseech him to reveal and make himself known to them, that almighty being will, out of his infinite goodness, not only make his creatures, but even himself known to them. thus will they be guided by good lanterns. for all the ancient philosophers and sages have held two things necessary safely and pleasantly to arrive at the knowledge of god and true wisdom; first, god's gracious guidance, then man's assistance. so, among the philosophers, zoroaster took arimaspes for the companion of his travels; aesculapius, mercury; orpheus, musaeus; pythagoras, aglaophemus; and, among princes and warriors, hercules in his most difficult achievements had his singular friend theseus; ulysses, diomedes; aeneas, achates. you followed their examples, and came under the conduct of an illustrious lantern. now, in god's name depart, and may he go along with you! the end of the fifth book of the heroic deeds and sayings of the noble pantagruel. master francis rabelais five books of the lives, heroic deeds and sayings of gargantua and his son pantagruel book ii. translated into english by sir thomas urquhart of cromarty and peter antony motteux the text of the first two books of rabelais has been reprinted from the first edition (1653) of urquhart's translation. footnotes initialled 'm.' are drawn from the maitland club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the translator. urquhart's translation of book iii. appeared posthumously in 1693, with a new edition of books i. and ii., under motteux's editorship. motteux's rendering of books iv. and v. followed in 1708. occasionally (as the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by motteux have been restored from the 1738 copy edited by ozell. the second book. for the reader. the reader here may be pleased to take notice that the copy of verses by the title of 'rablophila', premised to the first book of this translation, being but a kind of mock poem, in imitation of somewhat lately published (as to any indifferent observer will easily appear, by the false quantities in the latin, the abusive strain of the english, and extravagant subscription to both), and as such, by a friend of the translator's, at the desire of some frolic gentlemen of his acquaintance, more for a trial of skill than prejudicacy to any, composed in his jollity to please their fancies, was only ordained to be prefixed to a dozen of books, and no more, thereby to save the labour of transcribing so many as were requisite for satisfying the curiosity of a company of just that number; and that, therefore, the charging of the whole impression with it is merely to be imputed to the negligence of the pressmen, who, receiving it about the latter end of the night, were so eager before the next morning to afford complete books, that, as they began, they went on, without animadverting what was recommended to their discretion. this is hoped will suffice to assure the ingenuous reader that in no treatise of the translator's, whether original or translatitious, shall willingly be offered the meanest rub to the reputation of any worthy gentleman, and that, however providence dispose of him, no misfortune shall be able to induce his mind to any complacency in the disparagement of another. again. the pentateuch of rabelais mentioned in the title-page of the first book of this translation being written originally in the french tongue (as it comprehendeth some of its brusquest dialects), with so much ingeniosity and wit, that more impressions have been sold thereof in that language than of any other book that hath been set forth at any time within these fifteen hundred years; so difficult nevertheless to be turned into any other speech that many prime spirits in most of the nations of europe, since the year 1573, which was fourscore years ago, after having attempted it, were constrained with no small regret to give it over as a thing impossible to be done, is now in its translation thus far advanced, and the remainder faithfully undertaken with the same hand to be rendered into english by a person of quality, who (though his lands be sequestered, his house garrisoned, his other goods sold, and himself detained a prisoner of war at london, for his having been at worcester fight) hath, at the most earnest entreaty of some of his especial friends well acquainted with his inclination to the performance of conducible singularities, promised, besides his version of these two already published, very speedily to offer up unto this isle of britain the virginity of the translation of the other three most admirable books of the aforesaid author; provided that by the plurality of judicious and understanding men it be not declared he hath already proceeded too far, or that the continuation of the rigour whereby he is dispossessed of all his both real and personal estate, by pressing too hard upon him, be not an impediment thereto, and to other more eminent undertakings of his, as hath been oftentimes very fully mentioned by the said translator in several original treatises of his own penning, lately by him so numerously dispersed that there is scarce any, who being skilful in the english idiom, or curious of any new ingenious invention, hath not either read them or heard of them. mr. hugh salel to rabelais. if profit mixed with pleasure may suffice t' extol an author's worth above the skies, thou certainly for both must praised be: i know it; for thy judgment hath in the contexture of this book set down such high contentments, mingled with utility, that (as i think) i see democritus laughing at men as things ridiculous. insist in thy design; for, though we prove ungrate on earth, thy merit is above. the author's prologue. most illustrious and thrice valorous champions, gentlemen and others, who willingly apply your minds to the entertainment of pretty conceits and honest harmless knacks of wit; you have not long ago seen, read, and understood the great and inestimable chronicle of the huge and mighty giant gargantua, and, like upright faithfullists, have firmly believed all to be true that is contained in them, and have very often passed your time with them amongst honourable ladies and gentlewomen, telling them fair long stories, when you were out of all other talk, for which you are worthy of great praise and sempiternal memory. and i do heartily wish that every man would lay aside his own business, meddle no more with his profession nor trade, and throw all affairs concerning himself behind his back, to attend this wholly, without distracting or troubling his mind with anything else, until he have learned them without book; that if by chance the art of printing should cease, or in case that in time to come all books should perish, every man might truly teach them unto his children, and deliver them over to his successors and survivors from hand to hand as a religious cabal; for there is in it more profit than a rabble of great pocky loggerheads are able to discern, who surely understand far less in these little merriments than the fool raclet did in the institutions of justinian. i have known great and mighty lords, and of those not a few, who, going a-deer-hunting, or a-hawking after wild ducks, when the chase had not encountered with the blinks that were cast in her way to retard her course, or that the hawk did but plain and smoothly fly without moving her wings, perceiving the prey by force of flight to have gained bounds of her, have been much chafed and vexed, as you understand well enough; but the comfort unto which they had refuge, and that they might not take cold, was to relate the inestimable deeds of the said gargantua. there are others in the world--these are no flimflam stories, nor tales of a tub--who, being much troubled with the toothache, after they had spent their goods upon physicians without receiving at all any ease of their pain, have found no more ready remedy than to put the said chronicles betwixt two pieces of linen cloth made somewhat hot, and so apply them to the place that smarteth, sinapizing them with a little powder of projection, otherwise called doribus. but what shall i say of those poor men that are plagued with the pox and the gout? o how often have we seen them, even immediately after they were anointed and thoroughly greased, till their faces did glister like the keyhole of a powdering tub, their teeth dance like the jacks of a pair of little organs or virginals when they are played upon, and that they foamed from their very throats like a boar which the mongrel mastiff-hounds have driven in and overthrown amongst the toils,--what did they then? all their consolation was to have some page of the said jolly book read unto them. and we have seen those who have given themselves to a hundred puncheons of old devils, in case that they did not feel a manifest ease and assuagement of pain at the hearing of the said book read, even when they were kept in a purgatory of torment; no more nor less than women in travail use to find their sorrow abated when the life of st. margaret is read unto them. is this nothing? find me a book in any language, in any faculty or science whatsoever, that hath such virtues, properties, and prerogatives, and i will be content to pay you a quart of tripes. no, my masters, no; it is peerless, incomparable, and not to be matched; and this am i resolved for ever to maintain even unto the fire exclusive. and those that will pertinaciously hold the contrary opinion, let them be accounted abusers, predestinators, impostors, and seducers of the people. it is very true that there are found in some gallant and stately books, worthy of high estimation, certain occult and hid properties; in the number of which are reckoned whippot, orlando furioso, robert the devil, fierabras, william without fear, huon of bordeaux, monteville, and matabrune: but they are not comparable to that which we speak of, and the world hath well known by infallible experience the great emolument and utility which it hath received by this gargantuine chronicle, for the printers have sold more of them in two months' time than there will be bought of bibles in nine years. i therefore, your humble slave, being very willing to increase your solace and recreation yet a little more, do offer you for a present another book of the same stamp, only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of credit than the other was. for think not, unless you wilfully will err against your knowledge, that i speak of it as the jews do of the law. i was not born under such a planet, neither did it ever befall me to lie, or affirm a thing for true that was not. i speak of it like a lusty frolic onocrotary (onocratal is a bird not much unlike a swan, which sings like an ass's braying.), i should say crotenotary (crotenotaire or notaire crotte, croquenotaire or notaire croque are but allusions in derision of protonotaire, which signifieth a pregnotary.) of the martyrized lovers, and croquenotary of love. quod vidimus, testamur. it is of the horrible and dreadful feats and prowesses of pantagruel, whose menial servant i have been ever since i was a page, till this hour that by his leave i am permitted to visit my cow-country, and to know if any of my kindred there be alive. and therefore, to make an end of this prologue, even as i give myself to a hundred panniersful of fair devils, body and soul, tripes and guts, in case that i lie so much as one single word in this whole history; after the like manner, st. anthony's fire burn you, mahoom's disease whirl you, the squinance with a stitch in your side and the wolf in your stomach truss you, the bloody flux seize upon you, the cursed sharp inflammations of wild-fire, as slender and thin as cow's hair strengthened with quicksilver, enter into your fundament, and, like those of sodom and gomorrah, may you fall into sulphur, fire, and bottomless pits, in case you do not firmly believe all that i shall relate unto you in this present chronicle. the second book. chapter 2.i. of the original and antiquity of the great pantagruel. it will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing, seeing we are at leisure, to put you in mind of the fountain and original source whence is derived unto us the good pantagruel. for i see that all good historiographers have thus handled their chronicles, not only the arabians, barbarians, and latins, but also the gentle greeks, who were eternal drinkers. you must therefore remark that at the beginning of the world--i speak of a long time; it is above forty quarantains, or forty times forty nights, according to the supputation of the ancient druids--a little after that abel was killed by his brother cain, the earth, imbrued with the blood of the just, was one year so exceeding fertile in all those fruits which it usually produceth to us, and especially in medlars, that ever since throughout all ages it hath been called the year of the great medlars; for three of them did fill a bushel. in it the kalends were found by the grecian almanacks. there was that year nothing of the month of march in the time of lent, and the middle of august was in may. in the month of october, as i take it, or at least september, that i may not err, for i will carefully take heed of that, was the week so famous in the annals, which they call the week of the three thursdays; for it had three of them by means of their irregular leap-years, called bissextiles, occasioned by the sun's having tripped and stumbled a little towards the left hand, like a debtor afraid of sergeants, coming right upon him to arrest him: and the moon varied from her course above five fathom, and there was manifestly seen the motion of trepidation in the firmament of the fixed stars, called aplanes, so that the middle pleiade, leaving her fellows, declined towards the equinoctial, and the star named spica left the constellation of the virgin to withdraw herself towards the balance, known by the name of libra, which are cases very terrible, and matters so hard and difficult that astrologians cannot set their teeth in them; and indeed their teeth had been pretty long if they could have reached thither. however, account you it for a truth that everybody then did most heartily eat of these medlars, for they were fair to the eye and in taste delicious. but even as noah, that holy man, to whom we are so much beholding, bound, and obliged, for that he planted to us the vine, from whence we have that nectarian, delicious, precious, heavenly, joyful, and deific liquor which they call the piot or tiplage, was deceived in the drinking of it, for he was ignorant of the great virtue and power thereof; so likewise the men and women of that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great fruit, but divers and very different accidents did ensue thereupon; for there fell upon them all in their bodies a most terrible swelling, but not upon all in the same place, for some were swollen in the belly, and their belly strouted out big like a great tun, of whom it is written, ventrem omnipotentem, who were all very honest men, and merry blades. and of this race came st. fatgulch and shrove tuesday (pansart, mardigras.). others did swell at the shoulders, who in that place were so crump and knobby that they were therefore called montifers, which is as much to say as hill-carriers, of whom you see some yet in the world, of divers sexes and degrees. of this race came aesop, some of whose excellent words and deeds you have in writing. some other puffs did swell in length by the member which they call the labourer of nature, in such sort that it grew marvellous long, fat, great, lusty, stirring, and crest-risen, in the antique fashion, so that they made use of it as of a girdle, winding it five or six times about their waist: but if it happened the foresaid member to be in good case, spooming with a full sail bunt fair before the wind, then to have seen those strouting champions, you would have taken them for men that had their lances settled on their rest to run at the ring or tilting whintam (quintain). of these, believe me, the race is utterly lost and quite extinct, as the women say; for they do lament continually that there are none extant now of those great, &c. you know the rest of the song. others did grow in matter of ballocks so enormously that three of them would well fill a sack able to contain five quarters of wheat. from them are descended the ballocks of lorraine, which never dwell in codpieces, but fall down to the bottom of the breeches. others grew in the legs, and to see them you would have said they had been cranes, or the reddish-long-billed-storklike-scrank-legged sea-fowls called flamans, or else men walking upon stilts or scatches. the little grammar-school boys, known by the name of grimos, called those leg-grown slangams jambus, in allusion to the french word jambe, which signifieth a leg. in others, their nose did grow so, that it seemed to be the beak of a limbeck, in every part thereof most variously diapered with the twinkling sparkles of crimson blisters budding forth, and purpled with pimples all enamelled with thickset wheals of a sanguine colour, bordered with gules; and such have you seen the canon or prebend panzoult, and woodenfoot, the physician of angiers. of which race there were few that looked the ptisane, but all of them were perfect lovers of the pure septembral juice. naso and ovid had their extraction from thence, and all those of whom it is written, ne reminiscaris. others grew in ears, which they had so big that out of one would have been stuff enough got to make a doublet, a pair of breeches, and a jacket, whilst with the other they might have covered themselves as with a spanish cloak: and they say that in bourbonnois this race remaineth yet. others grew in length of body, and of those came the giants, and of them pantagruel. and the first was chalbroth, who begat sarabroth, who begat faribroth, who begat hurtali, that was a brave eater of pottage, and reigned in the time of the flood; who begat nembroth, who begat atlas, that with his shoulders kept the sky from falling; who begat goliah, who begat erix, that invented the hocus pocus plays of legerdemain; who begat titius, who begat eryon, who begat polyphemus, who begat cacus, who begat etion, the first man that ever had the pox, for not drinking fresh in summer, as bartachin witnesseth; who begat enceladus, who begat ceus, who begat tiphaeus, who begat alaeus, who begat othus, who begat aegeon, who begat briareus, that had a hundred hands; who begat porphyrio, who begat adamastor, who begat anteus, who begat agatho, who begat porus, against whom fought alexander the great; who begat aranthas, who begat gabbara, that was the first inventor of the drinking of healths; who begat goliah of secondille, who begat offot, that was terribly well nosed for drinking at the barrel-head; who begat artachaeus, who begat oromedon, who begat gemmagog, the first inventor of poulan shoes, which are open on the foot and tied over the instep with a lachet; who begat sisyphus, who begat the titans, of whom hercules was born; who begat enay, the most skilful man that ever was in matter of taking the little worms (called cirons) out of the hands; who begat fierabras, that was vanquished by oliver, peer of france and roland's comrade; who begat morgan, the first in the world that played at dice with spectacles; who begat fracassus, of whom merlin coccaius hath written, and of him was born ferragus, who begat hapmouche, the first that ever invented the drying of neat's tongues in the chimney; for, before that, people salted them as they do now gammons of bacon; who begat bolivorax, who begat longis, who begat gayoffo, whose ballocks were of poplar, and his pr... of the service or sorb-apple-tree; who begat maschefain, who begat bruslefer, who begat angoulevent, who begat galehaut, the inventor of flagons; who begat mirelangaut, who begat gallaffre, who begat falourdin, who begat roboast, who begat sortibrant of conimbres, who begat brushant of mommiere, who begat bruyer that was overcome by ogier the dane, peer of france; who begat mabrun, who begat foutasnon, who begat haquelebac, who begat vitdegrain, who begat grangousier, who begat gargantua, who begat the noble pantagruel, my master. i know that, reading this passage, you will make a doubt within yourselves, and that grounded upon very good reason, which is this--how it is possible that this relation can be true, seeing at the time of the flood all the world was destroyed, except noah and seven persons more with him in the ark, into whose number hurtali is not admitted. doubtless the demand is well made and very apparent, but the answer shall satisfy you, or my wit is not rightly caulked. and because i was not at that time to tell you anything of my own fancy, i will bring unto you the authority of the massorets, good honest fellows, true ballockeering blades and exact hebraical bagpipers, who affirm that verily the said hurtali was not within the ark of noah, neither could he get in, for he was too big, but he sat astride upon it, with one leg on the one side and another on the other, as little children use to do upon their wooden horses; or as the great bull of berne, which was killed at marinian, did ride for his hackney the great murdering piece called the canon-pevier, a pretty beast of a fair and pleasant amble without all question. in that posture, he, after god, saved the said ark from danger, for with his legs he gave it the brangle that was needful, and with his foot turned it whither he pleased, as a ship answereth her rudder. those that were within sent him up victuals in abundance by a chimney, as people very thankfully acknowledging the good that he did them. and sometimes they did talk together as icaromenippus did to jupiter, according to the report of lucian. have you understood all this well? drink then one good draught without water, for if you believe it not,--no truly do i not, quoth she. chapter 2.ii. of the nativity of the most dread and redoubted pantagruel. gargantua at the age of four hundred fourscore forty and four years begat his son pantagruel, upon his wife named badebec, daughter to the king of the amaurots in utopia, who died in childbirth; for he was so wonderfully great and lumpish that he could not possibly come forth into the light of the world without thus suffocating his mother. but that we may fully understand the cause and reason of the name of pantagruel which at his baptism was given him, you are to remark that in that year there was so great drought over all the country of africa that there passed thirty and six months, three weeks, four days, thirteen hours and a little more without rain, but with a heat so vehement that the whole earth was parched and withered by it. neither was it more scorched and dried up with heat in the days of elijah than it was at that time; for there was not a tree to be seen that had either leaf or bloom upon it. the grass was without verdure or greenness, the rivers were drained, the fountains dried up, the poor fishes, abandoned and forsaken by their proper element, wandering and crying upon the ground most horribly. the birds did fall down from the air for want of moisture and dew wherewith to refresh them. the wolves, foxes, harts, wild boars, fallow deer, hares, coneys, weasels, brocks, badgers, and other such beasts, were found dead in the fields with their mouths open. in respect of men, there was the pity, you should have seen them lay out their tongues like hares that have been run six hours. many did throw themselves into the wells. others entered within a cow's belly to be in the shade; those homer calls alibants. all the country was idle, and could do no virtue. it was a most lamentable case to have seen the labour of mortals in defending themselves from the vehemency of this horrific drought; for they had work enough to do to save the holy water in the churches from being wasted; but there was such order taken by the counsel of my lords the cardinals and of our holy father, that none did dare to take above one lick. yet when anyone came into the church, you should have seen above twenty poor thirsty fellows hang upon him that was the distributor of the water, and that with a wide open throat, gaping for some little drop, like the rich glutton in luke, that might fall by, lest anything should be lost. o how happy was he in that year who had a cool cellar under ground, well plenished with fresh wine! the philosopher reports, in moving the question, wherefore it is that the sea-water is salt, that at the time when phoebus gave the government of his resplendent chariot to his son phaeton, the said phaeton, unskilful in the art, and not knowing how to keep the ecliptic line betwixt the two tropics of the latitude of the sun's course, strayed out of his way, and came so near the earth that he dried up all the countries that were under it, burning a great part of the heavens which the philosophers call via lactea, and the huffsnuffs st. james's way; although the most coped, lofty, and high-crested poets affirm that to be the place where juno's milk fell when she gave suck to hercules. the earth at that time was so excessively heated that it fell into an enormous sweat, yea, such a one as made it sweat out the sea, which is therefore salt, because all sweat is salt; and this you cannot but confess to be true if you will taste of your own, or of those that have the pox, when they are put into sweating, it is all one to me. just such another case fell out this same year: for on a certain friday, when the whole people were bent upon their devotions, and had made goodly processions, with store of litanies, and fair preachings, and beseechings of god almighty to look down with his eye of mercy upon their miserable and disconsolate condition, there was even then visibly seen issue out of the ground great drops of water, such as fall from a puff-bagged man in a top sweat, and the poor hoidens began to rejoice as if it had been a thing very profitable unto them; for some said that there was not one drop of moisture in the air whence they might have any rain, and that the earth did supply the default of that. other learned men said that it was a shower of the antipodes, as seneca saith in his fourth book quaestionum naturalium, speaking of the source and spring of nilus. but they were deceived, for, the procession being ended, when everyone went about to gather of this dew, and to drink of it with full bowls, they found that it was nothing but pickle and the very brine of salt, more brackish in taste than the saltest water of the sea. and because in that very day pantagruel was born, his father gave him that name; for panta in greek is as much to say as all, and gruel in the hagarene language doth signify thirsty, inferring hereby that at his birth the whole world was a-dry and thirsty, as likewise foreseeing that he would be some day supreme lord and sovereign of the thirsty ethrappels, which was shown to him at that very same hour by a more evident sign. for when his mother badebec was in the bringing of him forth, and that the midwives did wait to receive him, there came first out of her belly three score and eight tregeneers, that is, salt-sellers, every one of them leading in a halter a mule heavy laden with salt; after whom issued forth nine dromedaries, with great loads of gammons of bacon and dried neat's tongues on their backs. then followed seven camels loaded with links and chitterlings, hogs' puddings, and sausages. after them came out five great wains, full of leeks, garlic, onions, and chibots, drawn with five-and-thirty strong cart-horses, which was six for every one, besides the thiller. at the sight hereof the said midwives were much amazed, yet some of them said, lo, here is good provision, and indeed we need it; for we drink but lazily, as if our tongues walked on crutches, and not lustily like lansman dutches. truly this is a good sign; there is nothing here but what is fit for us; these are the spurs of wine, that set it a-going. as they were tattling thus together after their own manner of chat, behold! out comes pantagruel all hairy like a bear, whereupon one of them, inspired with a prophetical spirit, said, this will be a terrible fellow; he is born with all his hair; he is undoubtedly to do wonderful things, and if he live he shall have age. chapter 2.iii. of the grief wherewith gargantua was moved at the decease of his wife badebec. when pantagruel was born, there was none more astonished and perplexed than was his father gargantua; for of the one side seeing his wife badebec dead, and on the other side his son pantagruel born, so fair and so great, he knew not what to say nor what to do. and the doubt that troubled his brain was to know whether he should cry for the death of his wife or laugh for the joy of his son. he was hinc inde choked with sophistical arguments, for he framed them very well in modo et figura, but he could not resolve them, remaining pestered and entangled by this means, like a mouse caught in a trap or kite snared in a gin. shall i weep? said he. yes, for why? my so good wife is dead, who was the most this, the most that, that ever was in the world. never shall i see her, never shall i recover such another; it is unto me an inestimable loss! o my good god, what had i done that thou shouldest thus punish me? why didst thou not take me away before her, seeing for me to live without her is but to languish? ah, badebec, badebec, my minion, my dear heart, my sugar, my sweeting, my honey, my little c-(yet it had in circumference full six acres, three rods, five poles, four yards, two foot, one inch and a half of good woodland measure), my tender peggy, my codpiece darling, my bob and hit, my slipshoe-lovey, never shall i see thee! ah, poor pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good mother, thy sweet nurse, thy well-beloved lady! o false death, how injurious and despiteful hast thou been to me! how malicious and outrageous have i found thee in taking her from me, my well-beloved wife, to whom immortality did of right belong! with these words he did cry like a cow, but on a sudden fell a-laughing like a calf, when pantagruel came into his mind. ha, my little son, said he, my childilolly, fedlifondy, dandlichucky, my ballocky, my pretty rogue! o how jolly thou art, and how much am i bound to my gracious god, that hath been pleased to bestow on me a son so fair, so spriteful, so lively, so smiling, so pleasant, and so gentle! ho, ho, ho, ho, how glad i am! let us drink, ho, and put away melancholy! bring of the best, rinse the glasses, lay the cloth, drive out these dogs, blow this fire, light candles, shut that door there, cut this bread in sippets for brewis, send away these poor folks in giving them what they ask, hold my gown. i will strip myself into my doublet (en cuerpo), to make the gossips merry, and keep them company. as he spake this, he heard the litanies and the mementos of the priests that carried his wife to be buried, upon which he left the good purpose he was in, and was suddenly ravished another way, saying, lord god! must i again contrist myself? this grieves me. i am no longer young, i grow old, the weather is dangerous; i may perhaps take an ague, then shall i be foiled, if not quite undone. by the faith of a gentleman, it were better to cry less, and drink more. my wife is dead, well, by g--! (da jurandi) i shall not raise her again by my crying: she is well, she is in paradise at least, if she be no higher: she prayeth to god for us, she is happy, she is above the sense of our miseries, nor can our calamities reach her. what though she be dead, must not we also die? the same debt which she hath paid hangs over our heads; nature will require it of us, and we must all of us some day taste of the same sauce. let her pass then, and the lord preserve the survivors; for i must now cast about how to get another wife. but i will tell you what you shall do, said he to the midwives, in france called wise women (where be they, good folks? i cannot see them): go you to my wife's interment, and i will the while rock my son; for i find myself somewhat altered and distempered, and should otherwise be in danger of falling sick; but drink one good draught first, you will be the better for it. and believe me, upon mine honour, they at his request went to her burial and funeral obsequies. in the meanwhile, poor gargantua staying at home, and willing to have somewhat in remembrance of her to be engraven upon her tomb, made this epitaph in the manner as followeth. dead is the noble badebec, who had a face like a rebeck; a spanish body, and a belly of switzerland; she died, i tell ye, in childbirth. pray to god, that her he pardon wherein she did err. here lies her body, which did live free from all vice, as i believe, and did decease at my bedside, the year and day in which she died. chapter 2.iv. of the infancy of pantagruel. i find by the ancient historiographers and poets that divers have been born in this world after very strange manners, which would be too long to repeat; read therefore the seventh chapter of pliny, if you have so much leisure. yet have you never heard of any so wonderful as that of pantagruel; for it is a very difficult matter to believe, how in the little time he was in his mother's belly he grew both in body and strength. that which hercules did was nothing, when in his cradle he slew two serpents, for those serpents were but little and weak, but pantagruel, being yet in the cradle, did far more admirable things, and more to be amazed at. i pass by here the relation of how at every one of his meals he supped up the milk of four thousand and six hundred cows, and how, to make him a skillet to boil his milk in, there were set a-work all the braziers of somure in anjou, of villedieu in normandy, and of bramont in lorraine. and they served in this whitepot-meat to him in a huge great bell, which is yet to be seen in the city of bourges in berry, near the palace, but his teeth were already so well grown, and so strengthened with vigour, that of the said bell he bit off a great morsel, as very plainly doth appear till this hour. one day in the morning, when they would have made him suck one of his cows --for he never had any other nurse, as the history tells us--he got one of his arms loose from the swaddling bands wherewith he was kept fast in the cradle, laid hold on the said cow under the left foreham, and grasping her to him ate up her udder and half of her paunch, with the liver and the kidneys, and had devoured all up if she had not cried out most horribly, as if the wolves had held her by the legs, at which noise company came in and took away the said cow from pantagruel. yet could they not so well do it but that the quarter whereby he caught her was left in his hand, of which quarter he gulped up the flesh in a trice, even with as much ease as you would eat a sausage, and that so greedily with desire of more, that, when they would have taken away the bone from him, he swallowed it down whole, as a cormorant would do a little fish; and afterwards began fumblingly to say, good, good, good--for he could not yet speak plain--giving them to understand thereby that he had found it very good, and that he did lack but so much more. which when they saw that attended him, they bound him with great cable-ropes, like those that are made at tain for the carriage of salt to lyons, or such as those are whereby the great french ship rides at anchor in the road of newhaven in normandy. but, on a certain time, a great bear, which his father had bred, got loose, came towards him, began to lick his face, for his nurses had not thoroughly wiped his chaps, at which unexpected approach being on a sudden offended, he as lightly rid himself of those great cables as samson did of the hawser ropes wherewith the philistines had tied him, and, by your leave, takes me up my lord the bear, and tears him to you in pieces like a pullet, which served him for a gorgeful or good warm bit for that meal. whereupon gargantua, fearing lest the child should hurt himself, caused four great chains of iron to be made to bind him, and so many strong wooden arches unto his cradle, most firmly stocked and morticed in huge frames. of those chains you have one at rochelle, which they draw up at night betwixt the two great towers of the haven. another is at lyons,--a third at angiers,--and the fourth was carried away by the devils to bind lucifer, who broke his chains in those days by reason of a colic that did extraordinarily torment him, taken with eating a sergeant's soul fried for his breakfast. and therefore you may believe that which nicholas de lyra saith upon that place of the psalter where it is written, et og regem basan, that the said og, being yet little, was so strong and robustious, that they were fain to bind him with chains of iron in his cradle. thus continued pantagruel for a while very calm and quiet, for he was not able so easily to break those chains, especially having no room in the cradle to give a swing with his arms. but see what happened once upon a great holiday that his father gargantua made a sumptuous banquet to all the princes of his court. i am apt to believe that the menial officers of the house were so embusied in waiting each on his proper service at the feast, that nobody took care of poor pantagruel, who was left a reculorum, behindhand, all alone, and as forsaken. what did he? hark what he did, good people. he strove and essayed to break the chains of the cradle with his arms, but could not, for they were too strong for him. then did he keep with his feet such a stamping stir, and so long, that at last he beat out the lower end of his cradle, which notwithstanding was made of a great post five foot in square; and as soon as he had gotten out his feet, he slid down as well as he could till he had got his soles to the ground, and then with a mighty force he rose up, carrying his cradle upon his back, bound to him like a tortoise that crawls up against a wall; and to have seen him, you would have thought it had been a great carrick of five hundred tons upon one end. in this manner he entered into the great hall where they were banqueting, and that very boldly, which did much affright the company; yet, because his arms were tied in, he could not reach anything to eat, but with great pain stooped now and then a little to take with the whole flat of his tongue some lick, good bit, or morsel. which when his father saw, he knew well enough that they had left him without giving him anything to eat, and therefore commanded that he should be loosed from the said chains, by the counsel of the princes and lords there present. besides that also the physicians of gargantua said that, if they did thus keep him in the cradle, he would be all his lifetime subject to the stone. when he was unchained, they made him to sit down, where, after he had fed very well, he took his cradle and broke it into more than five hundred thousand pieces with one blow of his fist that he struck in the midst of it, swearing that he would never come into it again. chapter 2.v. of the acts of the noble pantagruel in his youthful age. thus grew pantagruel from day to day, and to everyone's eye waxed more and more in all his dimensions, which made his father to rejoice by a natural affection. therefore caused he to be made for him, whilst he was yet little, a pretty crossbow wherewith to shoot at small birds, which now they call the great crossbow at chantelle. then he sent him to the school to learn, and to spend his youth in virtue. in the prosecution of which design he came first to poictiers, where, as he studied and profited very much, he saw that the scholars were oftentimes at leisure and knew not how to bestow their time, which moved him to take such compassion on them, that one day he took from a long ledge of rocks, called there passelourdin, a huge great stone, of about twelve fathom square and fourteen handfuls thick, and with great ease set it upon four pillars in the midst of a field, to no other end but that the said scholars, when they had nothing else to do, might pass their time in getting up on that stone, and feast it with store of gammons, pasties, and flagons, and carve their names upon it with a knife, in token of which deed till this hour the stone is called the lifted stone. and in remembrance hereof there is none entered into the register and matricular book of the said university, or accounted capable of taking any degree therein, till he have first drunk in the caballine fountain of croustelles, passed at passelourdin, and got up upon the lifted stone. afterwards, reading the delectable chronicles of his ancestors, he found that geoffrey of lusignan, called geoffrey with the great tooth, grandfather to the cousin-in-law of the eldest sister of the aunt of the son-in-law of the uncle of the good daughter of his stepmother, was interred at maillezais; therefore one day he took campos (which is a little vacation from study to play a while), that he might give him a visit as unto an honest man. and going from poictiers with some of his companions, they passed by the guge (leguge), visiting the noble abbot ardillon; then by lusignan, by sansay, by celles, by coolonges, by fontenay-le-comte, saluting the learned tiraqueau, and from thence arrived at maillezais, where he went to see the sepulchre of the said geoffrey with the great tooth; which made him somewhat afraid, looking upon the picture, whose lively draughts did set him forth in the representation of a man in an extreme fury, drawing his great malchus falchion half way out of his scabbard. when the reason hereof was demanded, the canons of the said place told him that there was no other cause of it but that pictoribus atque poetis, &c., that is to say, that painters and poets have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their own fancy. but he was not satisfied with their answer, and said, he is not thus painted without a cause, and i suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him, whereof he requireth his kindred to take revenge. i will inquire further into it, and then do what shall be reasonable. then he returned not to poictiers, but would take a view of the other universities of france. therefore, going to rochelle, he took shipping and arrived at bordeaux, where he found no great exercise, only now and then he would see some mariners and lightermen a-wrestling on the quay or strand by the river-side. from thence he came to toulouse, where he learned to dance very well, and to play with the two-handed sword, as the fashion of the scholars of the said university is to bestir themselves in games whereof they may have their hands full; but he stayed not long there when he saw that they did cause burn their regents alive like red herring, saying, now god forbid that i should die this death! for i am by nature sufficiently dry already, without heating myself any further. he went then to montpellier, where he met with the good wives of mirevaux, and good jovial company withal, and thought to have set himself to the study of physic; but he considered that that calling was too troublesome and melancholic, and that physicians did smell of glisters like old devils. therefore he resolved he would study the laws; but seeing that there were but three scaldand one bald-pated legist in that place, he departed from thence, and in his way made the bridge of guard and the amphitheatre of nimes in less than three hours, which, nevertheless, seems to be a more divine than human work. after that he came to avignon, where he was not above three days before he fell in love; for the women there take great delight in playing at the close-buttock game, because it is papal ground. which his tutor and pedagogue epistemon perceiving, he drew him out of that place, and brought him to valence in the dauphiny, where he saw no great matter of recreation, only that the lubbers of the town did beat the scholars, which so incensed him with anger, that when, upon a certain very fair sunday, the people being at their public dancing in the streets, and one of the scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of that sport, the foresaid lubberly fellows would not permit him the admittance into their society, he, taking the scholar's part, so belaboured them with blows, and laid such load upon them, that he drove them all before him, even to the brink of the river rhone, and would have there drowned them, but that they did squat to the ground, and there lay close a full half-league under the river. the hole is to be seen there yet. after that he departed from thence, and in three strides and one leap came to angiers, where he found himself very well, and would have continued there some space, but that the plague drove them away. so from thence he came to bourges, where he studied a good long time, and profited very much in the faculty of the laws, and would sometimes say that the books of the civil law were like unto a wonderfully precious, royal, and triumphant robe of cloth of gold edged with dirt; for in the world are no goodlier books to be seen, more ornate, nor more eloquent than the texts of the pandects, but the bordering of them, that is to say, the gloss of accursius, is so scurvy, vile, base, and unsavoury, that it is nothing but filthiness and villainy. going from bourges, he came to orleans, where he found store of swaggering scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming, and with whom he learned to play at tennis so well that he was a master at that game. for the students of the said place make a prime exercise of it; and sometimes they carried him unto cupid's houses of commerce (in that city termed islands, because of their being most ordinarily environed with other houses, and not contiguous to any), there to recreate his person at the sport of poussavant, which the wenches of london call the ferkers in and in. as for breaking his head with over-much study, he had an especial care not to do it in any case, for fear of spoiling his eyes. which he the rather observed, for that it was told him by one of his teachers, there called regents, that the pain of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any to the sight. for this cause, when he one day was made a licentiate, or graduate in law, one of the scholars of his acquaintance, who of learning had not much more than his burden, though instead of that he could dance very well and play at tennis, made the blazon and device of the licentiates in the said university, saying, so you have in your hand a racket, a tennis-ball in your cod-placket, a pandect law in your cap's tippet, and that you have the skill to trip it in a low dance, you will b' allowed the grant of the licentiate's hood. chapter 2.vi. how pantagruel met with a limousin, who too affectedly did counterfeit the french language. upon a certain day, i know not when, pantagruel walking after supper with some of his fellow-students without that gate of the city through which we enter on the road to paris, encountered with a young spruce-like scholar that was coming upon the same very way, and, after they had saluted one another, asked him thus, my friend, from whence comest thou now? the scholar answered him, from the alme, inclyte, and celebrate academy, which is vocitated lutetia. what is the meaning of this? said pantagruel to one of his men. it is, answered he, from paris. thou comest from paris then, said pantagruel; and how do you spend your time there, you my masters the students of paris? the scholar answered, we transfretate the sequan at the dilucul and crepuscul; we deambulate by the compites and quadrives of the urb; we despumate the latial verbocination; and, like verisimilary amorabons, we captat the benevolence of the omnijugal, omniform and omnigenal feminine sex. upon certain diecules we invisat the lupanares, and in a venerian ecstasy inculcate our veretres into the penitissime recesses of the pudends of these amicabilissim meretricules. then do we cauponisate in the meritory taberns of the pineapple, the castle, the magdalene, and the mule, goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with petrocile. and if by fortune there be rarity or penury of pecune in our marsupies, and that they be exhausted of ferruginean metal, for the shot we dimit our codices and oppignerat our vestments, whilst we prestolate the coming of the tabellaries from the penates and patriotic lares. to which pantagruel answered, what devilish language is this? by the lord, i think thou art some kind of heretick. my lord, no, said the scholar; for libentissimally, as soon as it illucesceth any minutule slice of the day, i demigrate into one of these so well architected minsters, and there, irrorating myself with fair lustral water, i mumble off little parcels of some missic precation of our sacrificuls, and, submurmurating my horary precules, i elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal inquinations. i revere the olympicols. i latrially venere the supernal astripotent. i dilige and redame my proxims. i observe the decalogical precepts, and, according to the facultatule of my vires, i do not discede from them one late unguicule. nevertheless, it is veriform, that because mammona doth not supergurgitate anything in my loculs, that i am somewhat rare and lent to supererogate the elemosynes to those egents that hostially queritate their stipe. prut, tut, said pantagruel, what doth this fool mean to say? i think he is upon the forging of some diabolical tongue, and that enchanter-like he would charm us. to whom one of his men said, without doubt, sir, this fellow would counterfeit the language of the parisians, but he doth only flay the latin, imagining by so doing that he doth highly pindarize it in most eloquent terms, and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a great orator in the french, because he disdaineth the common manner of speaking. to which pantagruel said, is it true? the scholar answered, my worshipful lord, my genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious nebulon saith, to excoriate the cut(ic)ule of our vernacular gallic, but vice-versally i gnave opere, and by veles and rames enite to locupletate it with the latinicome redundance. by g--, said pantagruel, i will teach you to speak. but first come hither, and tell me whence thou art. to this the scholar answered, the primeval origin of my aves and ataves was indigenary of the lemovic regions, where requiesceth the corpor of the hagiotat st. martial. i understand thee very well, said pantagruel. when all comes to all, thou art a limousin, and thou wilt here by thy affected speech counterfeit the parisians. well now, come hither, i must show thee a new trick, and handsomely give thee the combfeat. with this he took him by the throat, saying to him, thou flayest the latin; by st. john, i will make thee flay the fox, for i will now flay thee alive. then began the poor limousin to cry, haw, gwid maaster! haw, laord, my halp, and st. marshaw! haw, i'm worried. haw, my thropple, the bean of my cragg is bruck! haw, for gauad's seck lawt my lean, mawster; waw, waw, waw. now, said pantagruel, thou speakest naturally, and so let him go, for the poor limousin had totally bewrayed and thoroughly conshit his breeches, which were not deep and large enough, but round straight cannioned gregs, having in the seat a piece like a keeling's tail, and therefore in french called, de chausses a queue de merlus. then, said pantagruel, st. alipantin, what civet? fie! to the devil with this turnip-eater, as he stinks! and so let him go. but this hug of pantagruel's was such a terror to him all the days of his life, and took such deep impression in his fancy, that very often, distracted with sudden affrightments, he would startle and say that pantagruel held him by the neck. besides that, it procured him a continual drought and desire to drink, so that after some few years he died of the death roland, in plain english called thirst, a work of divine vengeance, showing us that which saith the philosopher and aulus gellius, that it becometh us to speak according to the common language; and that we should, as said octavian augustus, strive to shun all strange and unknown terms with as much heedfulness and circumspection as pilots of ships use to avoid the rocks and banks in the sea. chapter 2.vii. how pantagruel came to paris, and of the choice books of the library of st. victor. after that pantagruel had studied very well at orleans, he resolved to see the great university at paris; but, before his departure, he was informed that there was a huge big bell at st. anian in the said town of orleans, under the ground, which had been there above two hundred and fourteen years, for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much as above the ground, although they used all the means that are found in vitruvius de architectura, albertus de re aedificatoria, euclid, theon, archimedes, and hero de ingeniis; for all that was to no purpose. wherefore, condescending heartily to the humble request of the citizens and inhabitants of the said town, he determined to remove it to the tower that was erected for it. with that he came to the place where it was, and lifted it out of the ground with his little finger as easily as you would have done a hawk's bell or bellwether's tingle-tangle; but, before he would carry it to the foresaid tower or steeple appointed for it, he would needs make some music with it about the town, and ring it alongst all the streets as he carried it in his hand, wherewith all the people were very glad. but there happened one great inconveniency, for with carrying it so, and ringing it about the streets, all the good orleans wine turned instantly, waxed flat and was spoiled, which nobody there did perceive till the night following; for every man found himself so altered and a-dry with drinking these flat wines, that they did nothing but spit, and that as white as malta cotton, saying, we have of the pantagruel, and our very throats are salted. this done, he came to paris with his retinue. and at his entry everyone came out to see him--as you know well enough that the people of paris is sottish by nature, by b flat and b sharp--and beheld him with great astonishment, mixed with no less fear that he would carry away the palace into some other country, a remotis, and far from them, as his father formerly had done the great peal of bells at our lady's church to tie about his mare's neck. now after he had stayed there a pretty space, and studied very well in all the seven liberal arts, he said it was a good town to live in, but not to die; for that the grave-digging rogues of st. innocent used in frosty nights to warm their bums with dead men's bones. in his abode there he found the library of st. victor a very stately and magnific one, especially in some books which were there, of which followeth the repertory and catalogue, et primo, the for godsake of salvation. the codpiece of the law. the slipshoe of the decretals. the pomegranate of vice. the clew-bottom of theology. the duster or foxtail-flap of preachers, composed by turlupin. the churning ballock of the valiant. the henbane of the bishops. marmotretus de baboonis et apis, cum commento dorbellis. decretum universitatis parisiensis super gorgiasitate muliercularum ad placitum. the apparition of sancte geltrude to a nun of poissy, being in travail at the bringing forth of a child. ars honeste fartandi in societate, per marcum corvinum (ortuinum). the mustard-pot of penance. the gamashes, alias the boots of patience. formicarium artium. de brodiorum usu, et honestate quartandi, per sylvestrem prioratem jacobinum. the cosened or gulled in court. the frail of the scriveners. the marriage-packet. the cruizy or crucible of contemplation. the flimflams of the law. the prickle of wine. the spur of cheese. ruboffatorium (decrotatorium) scholarium. tartaretus de modo cacandi. the bravades of rome. bricot de differentiis browsarum. the tailpiece-cushion, or close-breech of discipline. the cobbled shoe of humility. the trivet of good thoughts. the kettle of magnanimity. the cavilling entanglements of confessors. the snatchfare of the curates. reverendi patris fratris lubini, provincialis bavardiae, de gulpendis lardslicionibus libri tres. pasquilli doctoris marmorei, de capreolis cum artichoketa comedendis, tempore papali ab ecclesia interdicto. the invention of the holy cross, personated by six wily priests. the spectacles of pilgrims bound for rome. majoris de modo faciendi puddinos. the bagpipe of the prelates. beda de optimitate triparum. the complaint of the barristers upon the reformation of comfits. the furred cat of the solicitors and attorneys. of peas and bacon, cum commento. the small vales or drinking money of the indulgences. praeclarissimi juris utriusque doctoris maistre pilloti, &c., scrap-farthingi de botchandis glossae accursianae triflis repetitio enucidi-luculidissima. stratagemata francharchiaeri de baniolet. carlbumpkinus de re militari cum figuris tevoti. de usu et utilitate flayandi equos et equas, authore magistro nostro de quebecu. the sauciness of country-stewards. m.n. rostocostojambedanesse de mustarda post prandium servienda, libri quatuordecim, apostillati per m. vaurillonis. the covillage or wench-tribute of promoters. (jabolenus de cosmographia purgatorii.) quaestio subtilissima, utrum chimaera in vacuo bonbinans possit comedere secundas intentiones; et fuit debatuta per decem hebdomadas in consilio constantiensi. the bridle-champer of the advocates. smutchudlamenta scoti. the rasping and hard-scraping of the cardinals. de calcaribus removendis, decades undecim, per m. albericum de rosata. ejusdem de castramentandis criminibus libri tres. the entrance of anthony de leve into the territories of brazil. (marforii, bacalarii cubantis romae) de peelandis aut unskinnandis blurrandisque cardinalium mulis. the said author's apology against those who allege that the pope's mule doth eat but at set times. prognosticatio quae incipit, silvii triquebille, balata per m.n., the deep-dreaming gull sion. boudarini episcopi de emulgentiarum profectibus aeneades novem, cum privilegio papali ad triennium et postea non. the shitabranna of the maids. the bald arse or peeled breech of the widows. the cowl or capouch of the monks. the mumbling devotion of the celestine friars. the passage-toll of beggarliness. the teeth-chatter or gum-didder of lubberly lusks. the paring-shovel of the theologues. the drench-horn of the masters of arts. the scullions of olcam, the uninitiated clerk. magistri n. lickdishetis, de garbellisiftationibus horarum canonicarum, libri quadriginta. arsiversitatorium confratriarum, incerto authore. the gulsgoatony or rasher of cormorants and ravenous feeders. the rammishness of the spaniards supergivuregondigaded by friar inigo. the muttering of pitiful wretches. dastardismus rerum italicarum, authore magistro burnegad. r. lullius de batisfolagiis principum. calibistratorium caffardiae, authore m. jacobo hocstraten hereticometra. codtickler de magistro nostrandorum magistro nostratorumque beuvetis, libri octo galantissimi. the crackarades of balists or stone-throwing engines, contrepate clerks, scriveners, brief-writers, rapporters, and papal bull-despatchers lately compiled by regis. a perpetual almanack for those that have the gout and the pox. manera sweepandi fornacellos per mag. eccium. the shable or scimetar of merchants. the pleasures of the monachal life. the hotchpot of hypocrites. the history of the hobgoblins. the ragamuffinism of the pensionary maimed soldiers. the gulling fibs and counterfeit shows of commissaries. the litter of treasurers. the juglingatorium of sophisters. antipericatametanaparbeugedamphicribrationes toordicantium. the periwinkle of ballad-makers. the push-forward of the alchemists. the niddy-noddy of the satchel-loaded seekers, by friar bindfastatis. the shackles of religion. the racket of swag-waggers. the leaning-stock of old age. the muzzle of nobility. the ape's paternoster. the crickets and hawk's-bells of devotion. the pot of the ember-weeks. the mortar of the politic life. the flap of the hermits. the riding-hood or monterg of the penitentiaries. the trictrac of the knocking friars. blockheadodus, de vita et honestate bragadochiorum. lyrippii sorbonici moralisationes, per m. lupoldum. the carrier-horse-bells of travellers. the bibbings of the tippling bishops. dolloporediones doctorum coloniensium adversus reuclin. the cymbals of ladies. the dunger's martingale. whirlingfriskorum chasemarkerorum per fratrem crackwoodloguetis. the clouted patches of a stout heart. the mummery of the racket-keeping robin-goodfellows. gerson, de auferibilitate papae ab ecclesia. the catalogue of the nominated and graduated persons. jo. dytebrodii, terribilitate excommunicationis libellus acephalos. ingeniositas invocandi diabolos et diabolas, per m. guingolphum. the hotchpotch or gallimaufry of the perpetually begging friars. the morris-dance of the heretics. the whinings of cajetan. muddisnout doctoris cherubici, de origine roughfootedarum, et wryneckedorum ritibus, libri septem. sixty-nine fat breviaries. the nightmare of the five orders of beggars. the skinnery of the new start-ups extracted out of the fallow-butt, incornifistibulated and plodded upon in the angelic sum. the raver and idle talker in cases of conscience. the fat belly of the presidents. the baffling flouter of the abbots. sutoris adversus eum qui vocaverat eum slabsauceatorem, et quod slabsauceatores non sunt damnati ab ecclesia. cacatorium medicorum. the chimney-sweeper of astrology. campi clysteriorum per paragraph c. the bumsquibcracker of apothecaries. the kissbreech of chirurgery. justinianus de whiteleperotis tollendis. antidotarium animae. merlinus coccaius, de patria diabolorum. the practice of iniquity, by cleuraunes sadden. the mirror of baseness, by radnecu waldenses. the engrained rogue, by dwarsencas eldenu. the merciless cormorant, by hoxinidno the jew. of which library some books are already printed, and the rest are now at the press in this noble city of tubingen. chapter 2.viii. how pantagruel, being at paris, received letters from his father gargantua, and the copy of them. pantagruel studied very hard, as you may well conceive, and profited accordingly; for he had an excellent understanding and notable wit, together with a capacity in memory equal to the measure of twelve oil budgets or butts of olives. and, as he was there abiding one day, he received a letter from his father in manner as followeth. most dear son,--amongst the gifts, graces, and prerogatives, with which the sovereign plasmator god almighty hath endowed and adorned human nature at the beginning, that seems to me most singular and excellent by which we may in a mortal state attain to a kind of immortality, and in the course of this transitory life perpetuate our name and seed, which is done by a progeny issued from us in the lawful bonds of matrimony. whereby that in some measure is restored unto us which was taken from us by the sin of our first parents, to whom it was said that, because they had not obeyed the commandment of god their creator, they should die, and by death should be brought to nought that so stately frame and plasmature wherein the man at first had been created. but by this means of seminal propagation there ("which continueth" in the old copy.) continueth in the children what was lost in the parents, and in the grandchildren that which perished in their fathers, and so successively until the day of the last judgment, when jesus christ shall have rendered up to god the father his kingdom in a peaceable condition, out of all danger and contamination of sin; for then shall cease all generations and corruptions, and the elements leave off their continual transmutations, seeing the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed, and that all things shall be brought to their end and period. and, therefore, not without just and reasonable cause do i give thanks to god my saviour and preserver, for that he hath enabled me to see my bald old age reflourish in thy youth; for when, at his good pleasure, who rules and governs all things, my soul shall leave this mortal habitation, i shall not account myself wholly to die, but to pass from one place unto another, considering that, in and by that, i continue in my visible image living in the world, visiting and conversing with people of honour, and other my good friends, as i was wont to do. which conversation of mine, although it was not without sin, because we are all of us trespassers, and therefore ought continually to beseech his divine majesty to blot our transgressions out of his memory, yet was it, by the help and grace of god, without all manner of reproach before men. wherefore, if those qualities of the mind but shine in thee wherewith i am endowed, as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my body, thou wilt be esteemed by all men to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the immortality of our name. but, if otherwise, i shall truly take but small pleasure to see it, considering that the lesser part of me, which is the body, would abide in thee, and the best, to wit, that which is the soul, and by which our name continues blessed amongst men, would be degenerate and abastardized. this i do not speak out of any distrust that i have of thy virtue, which i have heretofore already tried, but to encourage thee yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better. and that which i now write unto thee is not so much that thou shouldst live in this virtuous course, as that thou shouldst rejoice in so living and having lived, and cheer up thyself with the like resolution in time to come; to the prosecution and accomplishment of which enterprise and generous undertaking thou mayst easily remember how that i have spared nothing, but have so helped thee, as if i had had no other treasure in this world but to see thee once in my life completely well-bred and accomplished, as well in virtue, honesty, and valour, as in all liberal knowledge and civility, and so to leave thee after my death as a mirror representing the person of me thy father, and if not so excellent, and such in deed as i do wish thee, yet such in my desire. but although my deceased father of happy memory, grangousier, had bent his best endeavours to make me profit in all perfection and political knowledge, and that my labour and study was fully correspondent to, yea, went beyond his desire, nevertheless, as thou mayest well understand, the time then was not so proper and fit for learning as it is at present, neither had i plenty of such good masters as thou hast had. for that time was darksome, obscured with clouds of ignorance, and savouring a little of the infelicity and calamity of the goths, who had, wherever they set footing, destroyed all good literature, which in my age hath by the divine goodness been restored unto its former light and dignity, and that with such amendment and increase of the knowledge, that now hardly should i be admitted unto the first form of the little grammar-schoolboys--i say, i, who in my youthful days was, and that justly, reputed the most learned of that age. which i do not speak in vain boasting, although i might lawfully do it in writing unto thee--in verification whereof thou hast the authority of marcus tullius in his book of old age, and the sentence of plutarch in the book entitled how a man may praise himself without envy--but to give thee an emulous encouragement to strive yet further. now is it that the minds of men are qualified with all manner of discipline, and the old sciences revived which for many ages were extinct. now it is that the learned languages are to their pristine purity restored, viz., greek, without which a man may be ashamed to account himself a scholar, hebrew, arabic, chaldaean, and latin. printing likewise is now in use, so elegant and so correct that better cannot be imagined, although it was found out but in my time by divine inspiration, as by a diabolical suggestion on the other side was the invention of ordnance. all the world is full of knowing men, of most learned schoolmasters, and vast libraries; and it appears to me as a truth, that neither in plato's time, nor cicero's, nor papinian's, there was ever such conveniency for studying as we see at this day there is. nor must any adventure henceforward to come in public, or present himself in company, that hath not been pretty well polished in the shop of minerva. i see robbers, hangmen, freebooters, tapsters, ostlers, and such like, of the very rubbish of the people, more learned now than the doctors and preachers were in my time. what shall i say? the very women and children have aspired to this praise and celestial manner of good learning. yet so it is that, in the age i am now of, i have been constrained to learn the greek tongue--which i contemned not like cato, but had not the leisure in my younger years to attend the study of it--and take much delight in the reading of plutarch's morals, the pleasant dialogues of plato, the monuments of pausanias, and the antiquities of athenaeus, in waiting on the hour wherein god my creator shall call me and command me to depart from this earth and transitory pilgrimage. wherefore, my son, i admonish thee to employ thy youth to profit as well as thou canst, both in thy studies and in virtue. thou art at paris, where the laudable examples of many brave men may stir up thy mind to gallant actions, and hast likewise for thy tutor and pedagogue the learned epistemon, who by his lively and vocal documents may instruct thee in the arts and sciences. i intend, and will have it so, that thou learn the languages perfectly; first of all the greek, as quintilian will have it; secondly, the latin; and then the hebrew, for the holy scripture sake; and then the chaldee and arabic likewise, and that thou frame thy style in greek in imitation of plato, and for the latin after cicero. let there be no history which thou shalt not have ready in thy memory; unto the prosecuting of which design, books of cosmography will be very conducible and help thee much. of the liberal arts of geometry, arithmetic, and music, i gave thee some taste when thou wert yet little, and not above five or six years old. proceed further in them, and learn the remainder if thou canst. as for astronomy, study all the rules thereof. let pass, nevertheless, the divining and judicial astrology, and the art of lullius, as being nothing else but plain abuses and vanities. as for the civil law, of that i would have thee to know the texts by heart, and then to confer them with philosophy. now, in matter of the knowledge of the works of nature, i would have thee to study that exactly, and that so there be no sea, river, nor fountain, of which thou dost not know the fishes; all the fowls of the air; all the several kinds of shrubs and trees, whether in forests or orchards; all the sorts of herbs and flowers that grow upon the ground; all the various metals that are hid within the bowels of the earth; together with all the diversity of precious stones that are to be seen in the orient and south parts of the world. let nothing of all these be hidden from thee. then fail not most carefully to peruse the books of the greek, arabian, and latin physicians, not despising the talmudists and cabalists; and by frequent anatomies get thee the perfect knowledge of the other world, called the microcosm, which is man. and at some hours of the day apply thy mind to the study of the holy scriptures; first in greek, the new testament, with the epistles of the apostles; and then the old testament in hebrew. in brief, let me see thee an abyss and bottomless pit of knowledge; for from henceforward, as thou growest great and becomest a man, thou must part from this tranquillity and rest of study, thou must learn chivalry, warfare, and the exercises of the field, the better thereby to defend my house and our friends, and to succour and protect them at all their needs against the invasion and assaults of evildoers. furthermore, i will that very shortly thou try how much thou hast profited, which thou canst not better do than by maintaining publicly theses and conclusions in all arts against all persons whatsoever, and by haunting the company of learned men, both at paris and otherwhere. but because, as the wise man solomon saith, wisdom entereth not into a malicious mind, and that knowledge without conscience is but the ruin of the soul, it behoveth thee to serve, to love, to fear god, and on him to cast all thy thoughts and all thy hope, and by faith formed in charity to cleave unto him, so that thou mayst never be separated from him by thy sins. suspect the abuses of the world. set not thy heart upon vanity, for this life is transitory, but the word of the lord endureth for ever. be serviceable to all thy neighbours, and love them as thyself. reverence thy preceptors: shun the conversation of those whom thou desirest not to resemble, and receive not in vain the graces which god hath bestowed upon thee. and, when thou shalt see that thou hast attained to all the knowledge that is to be acquired in that part, return unto me, that i may see thee and give thee my blessing before i die. my son, the peace and grace of our lord be with thee. amen. thy father gargantua. from utopia the 17th day of the month of march. these letters being received and read, pantagruel plucked up his heart, took a fresh courage to him, and was inflamed with a desire to profit in his studies more than ever, so that if you had seen him, how he took pains, and how he advanced in learning, you would have said that the vivacity of his spirit amidst the books was like a great fire amongst dry wood, so active it was, vigorous and indefatigable. chapter 2.ix. how pantagruel found panurge, whom he loved all his lifetime. one day, as pantagruel was taking a walk without the city, towards st. anthony's abbey, discoursing and philosophating with his own servants and some other scholars, (he) met with a young man of very comely stature and surpassing handsome in all the lineaments of his body, but in several parts thereof most pitifully wounded; in such bad equipage in matter of his apparel, which was but tatters and rags, and every way so far out of order that he seemed to have been a-fighting with mastiff-dogs, from whose fury he had made an escape; or to say better, he looked, in the condition wherein he then was, like an apple-gatherer of the country of perche. as far off as pantagruel saw him, he said to those that stood by, do you see that man there, who is a-coming hither upon the road from charenton bridge? by my faith, he is only poor in fortune; for i may assure you that by his physiognomy it appeareth that nature hath extracted him from some rich and noble race, and that too much curiosity hath thrown him upon adventures which possibly have reduced him to this indigence, want, and penury. now as he was just amongst them, pantagruel said unto him, let me entreat you, friend, that you may be pleased to stop here a little and answer me to that which i shall ask you, and i am confident you will not think your time ill bestowed; for i have an extreme desire, according to my ability, to give you some supply in this distress wherein i see you are; because i do very much commiserate your case, which truly moves me to great pity. therefore, my friend, tell me who you are; whence you come; whither you go; what you desire; and what your name is. the companion answered him in the german (the first edition reads "dutch.") tongue, thus: 'junker, gott geb euch gluck und heil. furwahr, lieber junker, ich lasz euch wissen, das da ihr mich von fragt, ist ein arm und erbarmlich ding, und wer viel darvon zu sagen, welches euch verdrussig zu horen, und mir zu erzelen wer, wiewol die poeten und oratorn vorzeiten haben gesagt in ihren spruchen und sentenzen, dasz die gedechtniss des elends und armuth vorlangst erlitten ist eine grosse lust.' my friend, said pantagruel, i have no skill in that gibberish of yours; therefore, if you would have us to understand you, speak to us in some other language. then did the droll answer him thus: 'albarildim gotfano dechmin brin alabo dordio falbroth ringuam albaras. nin portzadikin almucatin milko prin alelmin en thoth dalheben ensouim; kuthim al dum alkatim nim broth dechoth porth min michais im endoth, pruch dalmaisoulum hol moth danfrihim lupaldas in voldemoth. nin hur diavosth mnarbotim dalgousch palfrapin duch im scoth pruch galeth dal chinon, min foulchrich al conin brutathen doth dal prin.' do you understand none of this? said pantagruel to the company. i believe, said epistemon, that this is the language of the antipodes, and such a hard one that the devil himself knows not what to make of it. then said pantagruel, gossip, i know not if the walls do comprehend the meaning of your words, but none of us here doth so much as understand one syllable of them. then said my blade again: 'signor mio, voi vedete per essempio, che la cornamusa non suona mai, s'ella non ha il ventre pieno. cosi io parimente non vi saprei contare le mie fortune, se prima il tribulato ventre non ha la solita refettione. al quale e adviso che le mani et li denti habbiano perso il loro ordine naturale et del tutto annichilati.' to which epistemon answered, as much of the one as of the other, and nothing of either. then said panurge: 'lord, if you be so virtuous of intelligence as you be naturally relieved to the body, you should have pity of me. for nature hath made us equal, but fortune hath some exalted and others deprived; nevertheless is virtue often deprived and the virtuous men despised; for before the last end none is good.' (the following is the passage as it stands in the first edition. urquhart seems to have rendered rabelais' indifferent english into worse scotch, and this, with probably the use of contractions in his ms., or 'the oddness' of handwriting which he owns to in his logopandecteision (p.419, mait. club. edit.), has led to a chaotic jumble, which it is nearly impossible to reduce to order.--instead of any attempt to do so, it is here given verbatim: 'lard gestholb besua virtuisbe intelligence: ass yi body scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme pety have; for natur hass visse equaly maide bot fortune sum exaiti hesse andoyis deprevit: non yeless iviss mou virtiuss deprevit, and virtuiss men decreviss for anen ye ladeniss non quid.' here is a morsel for critical ingenuity to fix its teeth in.--m.) yet less, said pantagruel. then said my jolly panurge: 'jona andie guaussa goussy etan beharda er remedio beharde versela ysser landa. anbat es otoy y es nausu ey nessassust gourray proposian ordine den. non yssena bayta facheria egabe gen herassy badia sadassu noura assia. aran hondavan gualde cydassu naydassuna. estou oussyc eg vinan soury hien er darstura eguy harm. genicoa plasar vadu.' are you there, said eudemon, genicoa? to this said carpalim, st. trinian's rammer unstitch your bum, for i had almost understood it. then answered panurge: 'prust frest frinst sorgdmand strochdi drhds pag brlelang gravot chavigny pomardiere rusth pkaldracg deviniere pres nays. couille kalmuch monach drupp del meupplist rincq drlnd dodelb up drent loch minc stz rinq jald de vins ders cordelis bur jocst stzampenards.' do you speak christian, said epistemon, or the buffoon language, otherwise called patelinois? nay, it is the puzlatory tongue, said another, which some call lanternois. then said panurge: 'heere, ik en spreeke anders geen taele dan kersten taele: my dunkt noghtans, al en seg ik u niet een wordt, mynen noot verklaert genoegh wat ik begeere: geeft my uyt bermhertigheit yets waar van ik gevoet magh zyn.' to which answered pantagruel, as much of that. then said panurge: 'sennor, de tanto hablar yo soy cansado, porque yo suplico a vuestra reverentia que mire a los preceptos evangelicos, para que ellos movan vuestra reverentia a lo que es de conscientia; y si ellos non bastaren, para mouer vuestra reverentia a piedad, yo suplico que mire a la piedad natural, la qual yo creo que le movera como es de razon: y con esso non digo mas.' truly, my friend, (said pantagruel,) i doubt not but you can speak divers languages; but tell us that which you would have us to do for you in some tongue which you conceive we may understand. then said the companion: 'min herre, endog ieg med ingen tunge talede, ligesom baern, oc uskellige creatuure: mine klaedebon oc mit legoms magerhed uduiser alligeuel klarlig huad ting mig best behof gioris, som er sandelig mad oc dricke: huorfor forbarme dig ofuer mig, oc befal at giue mig noguet, af huilcket ieg kand slyre min giaeendis mage, ligeruiis som mand cerbero en suppe forsetter: saa skalt du lefue laenge oc lycksalig.' i think really, said eusthenes, that the goths spoke thus of old, and that, if it pleased god, we would all of us speak so with our tails. then again said panurge: 'adon, scalom lecha: im ischar harob hal hebdeca bimeherah thithen li kikar lehem: chanchat ub laah al adonai cho nen ral.' to which answered epistemon, at this time have i understood him very well; for it is the hebrew tongue most rhetorically pronounced. then again said the gallant: 'despota tinyn panagathe, diati sy mi ouk artodotis? horas gar limo analiscomenon eme athlion, ke en to metaxy me ouk eleis oudamos, zetis de par emou ha ou chre. ke homos philologi pantes homologousi tote logous te ke remata peritta hyparchin, hopote pragma afto pasi delon esti. entha gar anankei monon logi isin, hina pragmata (hon peri amphisbetoumen), me prosphoros epiphenete.' what? said carpalim, pantagruel's footman, it is greek, i have understood him. and how? hast thou dwelt any while in greece? then said the droll again: 'agonou dont oussys vous desdagnez algorou: nou den farou zamist vous mariston ulbrou, fousques voubrol tant bredaguez moupreton dengoulhoust, daguez daguez non cropys fost pardonnoflist nougrou. agou paston tol nalprissys hourtou los echatonous, prou dhouquys brol pany gou den bascrou noudous caguons goulfren goul oustaroppassou.' (in this and the preceding speeches of panurge, the paris variorum edition of 1823 has been followed in correcting urquhart's text, which is full of inaccuracies.--m.) methinks i understand him, said pantagruel; for either it is the language of my country of utopia, or sounds very like it. and, as he was about to have begun some purpose, the companion said: 'jam toties vos per sacra, perque deos deasque omnes obtestatus sum, ut si quae vos pietas permovet, egestatem meam solaremini, nec hilum proficio clamans et ejulans. sinite, quaeso, sinite, viri impii, quo me fata vocant abire; nec ultra vanis vestris interpellationibus obtundatis, memores veteris illius adagii, quo venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur.' well, my friend, said pantagruel, but cannot you speak french? that i can do, sir, very well, said the companion, god be thanked. it is my natural language and mother tongue, for i was born and bred in my younger years in the garden of france, to wit, touraine. then, said pantagruel, tell us what is your name, and from whence you are come; for, by my faith, i have already stamped in my mind such a deep impression of love towards you, that, if you will condescend unto my will, you shall not depart out of my company, and you and i shall make up another couple of friends such as aeneas and achates were. sir, said the companion, my true and proper christian name is panurge, and now i come out of turkey, to which country i was carried away prisoner at that time when they went to metelin with a mischief. and willingly would i relate unto you my fortunes, which are more wonderful than those of ulysses were; but, seeing that it pleaseth you to retain me with you, i most heartily accept of the offer, protesting never to leave you should you go to all the devils in hell. we shall have therefore more leisure at another time, and a fitter opportunity wherein to report them; for at this present i am in a very urgent necessity to feed; my teeth are sharp, my belly empty, my throat dry, and my stomach fierce and burning, all is ready. if you will but set me to work, it will be as good as a balsamum for sore eyes to see me gulch and raven it. for god's sake, give order for it. then pantagruel commanded that they should carry him home and provide him good store of victuals; which being done, he ate very well that evening, and, capon-like, went early to bed; then slept until dinner-time the next day, so that he made but three steps and one leap from the bed to the board. chapter 2.x. how pantagruel judged so equitably of a controversy, which was wonderfully obscure and difficult, that, by reason of his just decree therein, he was reputed to have a most admirable judgment. pantagruel, very well remembering his father's letter and admonitions, would one day make trial of his knowledge. thereupon, in all the carrefours, that is, throughout all the four quarters, streets, and corners of the city, he set up conclusions to the number of nine thousand seven hundred sixty and four, in all manner of learning, touching in them the hardest doubts that are in any science. and first of all, in the fodder street he held dispute against all the regents or fellows of colleges, artists or masters of arts, and orators, and did so gallantly that he overthrew them and set them all upon their tails. he went afterwards to the sorbonne, where he maintained argument against all the theologians or divines, for the space of six weeks, from four o'clock in the morning until six in the evening, except an interval of two hours to refresh themselves and take their repast. and at this were present the greatest part of the lords of the court, the masters of requests, presidents, counsellors, those of the accompts, secretaries, advocates, and others; as also the sheriffs of the said town, with the physicians and professors of the canon law. amongst which, it is to be remarked, that the greatest part were stubborn jades, and in their opinions obstinate; but he took such course with them that, for all their ergoes and fallacies, he put their backs to the wall, gravelled them in the deepest questions, and made it visibly appear to the world that, compared to him, they were but monkeys and a knot of muffled calves. whereupon everybody began to keep a bustling noise and talk of his so marvellous knowledge, through all degrees of persons of both sexes, even to the very laundresses, brokers, roast-meat sellers, penknife makers, and others, who, when he passed along in the street, would say, this is he! in which he took delight, as demosthenes, the prince of greek orators, did, when an old crouching wife, pointing at him with her fingers, said, that is the man. now at this same very time there was a process or suit in law depending in court between two great lords, of which one was called my lord kissbreech, plaintiff of one side, and the other my lord suckfist, defendant of the other; whose controversy was so high and difficult in law that the court of parliament could make nothing of it. and therefore, by the commandment of the king, there were assembled four of the greatest and most learned of all the parliaments of france, together with the great council, and all the principal regents of the universities, not only of france, but of england also and italy, such as jason, philippus decius, petrus de petronibus, and a rabble of other old rabbinists. who being thus met together, after they had thereupon consulted for the space of six-and-forty weeks, finding that they could not fasten their teeth in it, nor with such clearness understand the case as that they might in any manner of way be able to right it, or take up the difference betwixt the two aforesaid parties, it did so grievously vex them that they most villainously conshit themselves for shame. in this great extremity one amongst them, named du douhet, the learnedest of all, and more expert and prudent than any of the rest, whilst one day they were thus at their wits' end, all-to-be-dunced and philogrobolized in their brains, said unto them, we have been here, my masters, a good long space, without doing anything else than trifle away both our time and money, and can nevertheless find neither brim nor bottom in this matter, for the more we study about it the less we understand therein, which is a great shame and disgrace to us, and a heavy burden to our consciences; yea, such that in my opinion we shall not rid ourselves of it without dishonour, unless we take some other course; for we do nothing but dote in our consultations. see, therefore, what i have thought upon. you have heard much talking of that worthy personage named master pantagruel, who hath been found to be learned above the capacity of this present age, by the proofs he gave in those great disputations which he held publicly against all men. my opinion is, that we send for him to confer with him about this business; for never any man will encompass the bringing of it to an end if he do it not. hereunto all the counsellors and doctors willingly agreed, and according to that their result having instantly sent for him, they entreated him to be pleased to canvass the process and sift it thoroughly, that, after a deep search and narrow examination of all the points thereof, he might forthwith make the report unto them such as he shall think good in true and legal knowledge. to this effect they delivered into his hands the bags wherein were the writs and pancarts concerning that suit, which for bulk and weight were almost enough to lade four great couillard or stoned asses. but pantagruel said unto them, are the two lords between whom this debate and process is yet living? it was answered him, yes. to what a devil, then, said he, serve so many paltry heaps and bundles of papers and copies which you give me? is it not better to hear their controversy from their own mouths whilst they are face to face before us, than to read these vile fopperies, which are nothing but trumperies, deceits, diabolical cozenages of cepola, pernicious slights and subversions of equity? for i am sure that you, and all those through whose hands this process has passed, have by your devices added what you could to it pro et contra in such sort that, although their difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at first, you have obscured it and made it more intricate by the frivolous, sottish, unreasonable, and foolish reasons and opinions of accursius, baldus, bartolus, de castro, de imola, hippolytus, panormo, bertachin, alexander, curtius, and those other old mastiffs, who never understood the least law of the pandects, they being but mere blockheads and great tithe calves, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the laws; for, as it is most certain, they had not the knowledge either of the greek or latin tongue, but only of the gothic and barbarian. the laws, nevertheless, were first taken from the greeks, according to the testimony of ulpian, l. poster. de origine juris, which we likewise may perceive by that all the laws are full of greek words and sentences. and then we find that they are reduced into a latin style the most elegant and ornate that whole language is able to afford, without excepting that of any that ever wrote therein, nay, not of sallust, varro, cicero, seneca, titus livius, nor quintilian. how then could these old dotards be able to understand aright the text of the laws who never in their time had looked upon a good latin book, as doth evidently enough appear by the rudeness of their style, which is fitter for a chimney-sweeper, or for a cook or a scullion, than for a jurisconsult and doctor in the laws? furthermore, seeing the laws are excerpted out of the middle of moral and natural philosophy, how should these fools have understood it, that have, by g--, studied less in philosophy than my mule? in respect of human learning and the knowledge of antiquities and history they were truly laden with those faculties as a toad is with feathers. and yet of all this the laws are so full that without it they cannot be understood, as i intend more fully to show unto you in a peculiar treatise which on that purpose i am about to publish. therefore, if you will that i take any meddling in this process, first cause all these papers to be burnt; secondly, make the two gentlemen come personally before me, and afterwards, when i shall have heard them, i will tell you my opinion freely without any feignedness or dissimulation whatsoever. some amongst them did contradict this motion, as you know that in all companies there are more fools than wise men, and that the greater part always surmounts the better, as saith titus livius in speaking of the carthaginians. but the foresaid du douhet held the contrary opinion, maintaining that pantagruel had said well, and what was right, in affirming that these records, bills of inquest, replies, rejoinders, exceptions, depositions, and other such diableries of truth-entangling writs, were but engines wherewith to overthrow justice and unnecessarily to prolong such suits as did depend before them; and that, therefore, the devil would carry them all away to hell if they did not take another course and proceeded not in times coming according to the prescripts of evangelical and philosophical equity. in fine, all the papers were burnt, and the two gentlemen summoned and personally convented. at whose appearance before the court pantagruel said unto them, are you they that have this great difference betwixt you? yes, my lord, said they. which of you, said pantagruel, is the plaintiff? it is i, said my lord kissbreech. go to, then, my friend, said he, and relate your matter unto me from point to point, according to the real truth, or else, by cock's body, if i find you to lie so much as in one word, i will make you shorter by the head, and take it from off your shoulders to show others by your example that in justice and judgment men ought to speak nothing but the truth. therefore take heed you do not add nor impair anything in the narration of your case. begin. chapter 2.xi. how the lords of kissbreech and suckfist did plead before pantagruel without an attorney. then began kissbreech in manner as followeth. my lord, it is true that a good woman of my house carried eggs to the market to sell. be covered, kissbreech, said pantagruel. thanks to you, my lord, said the lord kissbreech; but to the purpose. there passed betwixt the two tropics the sum of threepence towards the zenith and a halfpenny, forasmuch as the riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed with a great sterility of counterfeit gudgeons and shows without substance, by means of the babbling tattle and fond fibs seditiously raised between the gibblegabblers and accursian gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the switzers, who had assembled themselves to the full number of the bumbees and myrmidons to go a-handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that very time when they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of the coals to the country-girls for serving in of the oats to the dogs. all the night long they did nothing else, keeping their hands still upon the pot, but despatch, both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed writs or letters, to wit, papal commissions commonly called bulls, to stop the boats; for the tailors and seamsters would have made of the stolen shreds and clippings a goodly sagbut to cover the face of the ocean, which then was great with child of a potful of cabbage, according to the opinion of the hay-bundle-makers. but the physicians said that by the urine they could discern no manifest sign of the bustard's pace, nor how to eat double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen of the court should be pleased to give by b.mol express command to the pox not to run about any longer in gleaning up of coppersmiths and tinkers; for the jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the british jig called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in the fire, and their head in the middle, as goodman ragot was wont to say. ha, my masters, god moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a carter broke his frisking whip, which was all the wind-instrument he had. this was done at his return from the little paltry town, even then when master antitus of cressplots was licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullery and blockishness, according to this sentence of the canonists, beati dunces, quoniam ipsi stumblaverunt. but that which makes lent to be so high, by st. fiacre of bry, is for nothing else but that the pentecost never comes but to my cost; yet, on afore there, ho! a little rain stills a great wind, and we must think so, seeing that the sergeant hath propounded the matter so far above my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not with the benefit thereof lick their fingers, feathered with ganders, so orbicularly as they were wont in other things to do. and we do manifestly see that everyone acknowledgeth himself to be in the error wherewith another hath been charged, reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an ocular inspection in a perspective glass of these things towards the place in the chimney where hangeth the sign of the wine of forty girths, which have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels and pack-saddles of the bankrupt protectionaries of five years' respite. howsoever, at least, he that would not let fly the fowl before the cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the memory is often lost with a wayward shoeing. well, god keep theobald mitain from all danger! then said pantagruel, hold there! ho, my friend, soft and fair, speak at leisure and soberly without putting yourself in choler. i understand the case,--go on. now then, my lord, said kissbreech, the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez and audi nos, could not cover herself with a treacherous backblow, ascending by the wounds and passions of the privileges of the universities, unless by the virtue of a warming-pan she had angelically fomented every part of her body in covering them with a hedge of garden-beds; then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst (thrust) very near to the place where they sell the old rags whereof the painters of flanders make great use when they are about neatly to clap on shoes on grasshoppers, locusts, cigals, and such like fly-fowls, so strange to us that i am wonderfully astonished why the world doth not lay, seeing it is so good to hatch. here the lord of suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat, whereupon pantagruel said unto him, st! by st. anthony's belly, doth it become thee to speak without command? i sweat here with the extremity of labour and exceeding toil i take to understand the proceeding of your mutual difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet me. peace, in the devil's name, peace. thou shalt be permitted to speak thy bellyful when this man hath done, and no sooner. go on, said he to kissbreech; speak calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too much haste. i perceiving, then, said kissbreech, that the pragmatical sanction did make no mention of it, and that the holy pope to everyone gave liberty to fart at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks wherein the liars were to be crossed with a ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being newly sharpened at milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the good woman should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue of a solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes, which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for understanding the syntax and construction of old boots. therefore john calf, her cousin gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, very seriously advised her not to put herself into the hazard of quagswagging in the lee, to be scoured with a buck of linen clothes till first she had kindled the paper. this counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her to take nothing and throw out, for non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia cadit. matters thus standing, seeing the masters of the chamber of accompts or members of that committee did not fully agree amongst themselves in casting up the number of the almany whistles, whereof were framed those spectacles for princes which have been lately printed at antwerp, i must needs think that it makes a bad return of the writ, and that the adverse party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis. for that, having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the king, i armed myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of good venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked and cut full of small holes their high-coped caps, to lecher it the better, and play at in and in. and indeed the time was very dangerous in coming from the fair, in so far that many trained bowmen were cast at the muster and quite rejected, although the chimney-tops were high enough, according to the proportion of the windgalls in the legs of horses, or of the malanders, which in the esteem of expert farriers is no better disease, or else the story of ronypatifam or lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of a tub or of a roasted horse, savours of apocrypha, and is not an authentic history. and by this means there was that year great abundance, throughout all the country of artois, of tawny buzzing beetles, to the no small profit of the gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without disdaining the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it again. as for my own part, such is my christian charity towards my neighbours, that i could wish from my heart everyone had as good a voice; it would make us play the better at the tennis and the balloon. and truly, my lord, to express the real truth without dissimulation, i cannot but say that those petty subtle devices which are found out in the etymologizing of pattens would descend more easily into the river of seine, to serve for ever at the millers' bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by the king of the canarians, according to the sentence or judgment given thereupon, which is to be seen in the registry and records within the clerk's office of this house. and, therefore, my lord, i do most humbly require, that by your lordship there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with costs, damages, and interests. then said pantagruel, my friend, is this all you have to say? kissbreech answered, yes, my lord, for i have told all the tu autem, and have not varied at all upon mine honour in so much as one single word. you then, said pantagruel, my lord of suckfist, say what you will, and be brief, without omitting, nevertheless, anything that may serve to the purpose. chapter 2.xii. how the lord of suckfist pleaded before pantagruel. then began the lord suckfist in manner as followeth. my lord, and you my masters, if the iniquity of men were as easily seen in categorical judgment as we can discern flies in a milkpot, the world's four oxen had not been so eaten up with rats, nor had so many ears upon the earth been nibbled away so scurvily. for although all that my adversary hath spoken be of a very soft and downy truth, in so much as concerns the letter and history of the factum, yet nevertheless the crafty slights, cunning subtleties, sly cozenages, and little troubling entanglements are hid under the rosepot, the common cloak and cover of all fraudulent deceits. should i endure that, when i am eating my pottage equal with the best, and that without either thinking or speaking any manner of ill, they rudely come to vex, trouble, and perplex my brains with that antique proverb which saith, who in his pottage-eating drinks will not, when he is dead and buried, see one jot. and, good lady, how many great captains have we seen in the day of battle, when in open field the sacrament was distributed in luncheons of the sanctified bread of the confraternity, the more honestly to nod their heads, play on the lute, and crack with their tails, to make pretty little platform leaps in keeping level by the ground? but now the world is unshackled from the corners of the packs of leicester. one flies out lewdly and becomes debauched; another, likewise, five, four, and two, and that at such random that, if the court take not some course therein, it will make as bad a season in matter of gleaning this year as ever it made, or it will make goblets. if any poor creature go to the stoves to illuminate his muzzle with a cowsherd or to buy winter-boots, and that the sergeants passing by, or those of the watch, happen to receive the decoction of a clyster or the fecal matter of a close-stool upon their rustling-wrangling-clutter-keeping masterships, should any because of that make bold to clip the shillings and testers and fry the wooden dishes? sometimes, when we think one thing, god does another; and when the sun is wholly set all beasts are in the shade. let me never be believed again, if i do not gallantly prove it by several people who have seen the light of the day. in the year thirty and six, buying a dutch curtail, which was a middle-sized horse, both high and short, of a wool good enough and dyed in grain, as the goldsmiths assured me, although the notary put an &c. in it, i told really that i was not a clerk of so much learning as to snatch at the moon with my teeth; but, as for the butter-firkin where vulcanian deeds and evidences were sealed, the rumour was, and the report thereof went current, that salt-beef will make one find the way to the wine without a candle, though it were hid in the bottom of a collier's sack, and that with his drawers on he were mounted on a barbed horse furnished with a fronstal, and such arms, thighs, and leg-pieces as are requisite for the well frying and broiling of a swaggering sauciness. here is a sheep's head, and it is well they make a proverb of this, that it is good to see black cows in burnt wood when one attains to the enjoyment of his love. i had a consultation upon this point with my masters the clerks, who for resolution concluded in frisesomorum that there is nothing like to mowing in the summer, and sweeping clean away in water, well garnished with paper, ink, pens, and penknives, of lyons upon the river of rhone, dolopym dolopof, tarabin tarabas, tut, prut, pish; for, incontinently after that armour begins to smell of garlic, the rust will go near to eat the liver, not of him that wears it, and then do they nothing else but withstand others' courses, and wryneckedly set up their bristles 'gainst one another, in lightly passing over their afternoon's sleep, and this is that which maketh salt so dear. my lords, believe not when the said good woman had with birdlime caught the shoveler fowl, the better before a sergeant's witness to deliver the younger son's portion to him, that the sheep's pluck or hog's haslet did dodge and shrink back in the usurers' purses, or that there could be anything better to preserve one from the cannibals than to take a rope of onions, knit with three hundred turnips, and a little of a calf's chaldern of the best allay that the alchemists have provided, (and) that they daub and do over with clay, as also calcinate and burn to dust these pantoufles, muff in muff out, mouflin mouflard, with the fine sauce of the juice of the rabble rout, whilst they hide themselves in some petty mouldwarphole, saving always the little slices of bacon. now, if the dice will not favour you with any other throw but ambes-ace and the chance of three at the great end, mark well the ace, then take me your dame, settle her in a corner of the bed, and whisk me her up drilletrille, there, there, toureloura la la; which when you have done, take a hearty draught of the best, despicando grenovillibus, in despite of the frogs, whose fair coarse bebuskined stockings shall be set apart for the little green geese or mewed goslings, which, fattened in a coop, take delight to sport themselves at the wagtail game, waiting for the beating of the metal and heating of the wax by the slavering drivellers of consolation. very true it is, that the four oxen which are in debate, and whereof mention was made, were somewhat short in memory. nevertheless, to understand the game aright, they feared neither the cormorant nor mallard of savoy, which put the good people of my country in great hope that their children some time should become very skilful in algorism. therefore is it, that by a law rubric and special sentence thereof, that we cannot fail to take the wolf if we make our hedges higher than the windmill, whereof somewhat was spoken by the plaintiff. but the great devil did envy it, and by that means put the high dutches far behind, who played the devils in swilling down and tippling at the good liquor, trink, mein herr, trink, trink, by two of my table-men in the corner-point i have gained the lurch. for it is not probable, nor is there any appearance of truth in this saying, that at paris upon a little bridge the hen is proportionable, and were they as copped and high-crested as marsh whoops, if veritably they did not sacrifice the printer's pumpet-balls at moreb, with a new edge set upon them by text letters or those of a swift-writing hand, it is all one to me, so that the headband of the book breed not moths or worms in it. and put the case that, at the coupling together of the buckhounds, the little puppies shall have waxed proud before the notary could have given an account of the serving of his writ by the cabalistic art, it will necessarily follow, under correction of the better judgment of the court, that six acres of meadow ground of the greatest breadth will make three butts of fine ink, without paying ready money; considering that, at the funeral of king charles, we might have had the fathom in open market for one and two, that is, deuce ace. this i may affirm with a safe conscience, upon my oath of wool. and i see ordinarily in all good bagpipes, that, when they go to the counterfeiting of the chirping of small birds, by swinging a broom three times about a chimney, and putting his name upon record, they do nothing but bend a crossbow backwards, and wind a horn, if perhaps it be too hot, and that, by making it fast to a rope he was to draw, immediately after the sight of the letters, the cows were restored to him. such another sentence after the homeliest manner was pronounced in the seventeenth year, because of the bad government of louzefougarouse, whereunto it may please the court to have regard. i desire to be rightly understood; for truly, i say not but that in all equity, and with an upright conscience, those may very well be dispossessed who drink holy water as one would do a weaver's shuttle, whereof suppositories are made to those that will not resign, but on the terms of ell and tell and giving of one thing for another. tunc, my lords, quid juris pro minoribus? for the common custom of the salic law is such, that the first incendiary or firebrand of sedition that flays the cow and wipes his nose in a full concert of music without blowing in the cobbler's stitches, should in the time of the nightmare sublimate the penury of his member by moss gathered when people are like to founder themselves at the mess at midnight, to give the estrapade to these white wines of anjou that do the fear of the leg in lifting it by horsemen called the gambetta, and that neck to neck after the fashion of brittany, concluding as before with costs, damages, and interests. after that the lord of suckfist had ended, pantagruel said to the lord of kissbreech, my friend, have you a mind to make any reply to what is said? no, my lord, answered kissbreech; for i have spoke all i intended, and nothing but the truth. therefore, put an end for god's sake to our difference, for we are here at great charge. chapter 2.xiii. how pantagruel gave judgment upon the difference of the two lords. then pantagruel, rising up, assembled all the presidents, counsellors, and doctors that were there, and said unto them, come now, my masters, you have heard vivae vocis oraculo, the controversy that is in question; what do you think of it? they answered him, we have indeed heard it, but have not understood the devil so much as one circumstance of the case; and therefore we beseech you, una voce, and in courtesy request you that you would give sentence as you think good, and, ex nunc prout ex tunc, we are satisfied with it, and do ratify it with our full consents. well, my masters, said pantagruel, seeing you are so pleased, i will do it; but i do not truly find the case so difficult as you make it. your paragraph caton, the law frater, the law gallus, the law quinque pedum, the law vinum, the law si dominus, the law mater, the law mulier bona, to the law si quis, the law pomponius, the law fundi, the law emptor, the law praetor, the law venditor, and a great many others, are far more intricate in my opinion. after he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding very profoundly, as one may think; for he did groan like an ass whilst they girth him too hard, with the very intensiveness of considering how he was bound in conscience to do right to both parties, without varying or accepting of persons. then he returned, sat down, and began to pronounce sentence as followeth. having seen, heard, calculated, and well considered of the difference between the lords of kissbreech and suckfist, the court saith unto them, that in regard of the sudden quaking, shivering, and hoariness of the flickermouse, bravely declining from the estival solstice, to attempt by private means the surprisal of toyish trifles in those who are a little unwell for having taken a draught too much, through the lewd demeanour and vexation of the beetles that inhabit the diarodal (diarhomal) climate of an hypocritical ape on horseback, bending a crossbow backwards, the plaintiff truly had just cause to calfet, or with oakum to stop the chinks of the galleon which the good woman blew up with wind, having one foot shod and the other bare, reimbursing and restoring to him, low and stiff in his conscience, as many bladder-nuts and wild pistaches as there is of hair in eighteen cows, with as much for the embroiderer, and so much for that. he is likewise declared innocent of the case privileged from the knapdardies, into the danger whereof it was thought he had incurred; because he could not jocundly and with fulness of freedom untruss and dung, by the decision of a pair of gloves perfumed with the scent of bum-gunshot at the walnut-tree taper, as is usual in his country of mirebalais. slacking, therefore, the topsail, and letting go the bowline with the brazen bullets, wherewith the mariners did by way of protestation bake in pastemeat great store of pulse interquilted with the dormouse, whose hawk's-bells were made with a puntinaria, after the manner of hungary or flanders lace, and which his brother-in-law carried in a pannier, lying near to three chevrons or bordered gules, whilst he was clean out of heart, drooping and crestfallen by the too narrow sifting, canvassing, and curious examining of the matter in the angularly doghole of nasty scoundrels, from whence we shoot at the vermiformal popinjay with the flap made of a foxtail. but in that he chargeth the defendant that he was a botcher, cheese-eater, and trimmer of man's flesh embalmed, which in the arsiversy swagfall tumble was not found true, as by the defendant was very well discussed. the court, therefore, doth condemn and amerce him in three porringers of curds, well cemented and closed together, shining like pearls, and codpieced after the fashion of the country, to be paid unto the said defendant about the middle of august in may. but, on the other part, the defendant shall be bound to furnish him with hay and stubble for stopping the caltrops of his throat, troubled and impulregafized, with gabardines garbled shufflingly, and friends as before, without costs and for cause. which sentence being pronounced, the two parties departed both contented with the decree, which was a thing almost incredible. for it never came to pass since the great rain, nor shall the like occur in thirteen jubilees hereafter, that two parties contradictorily contending in judgment be equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive sentence. as for the counsellors and other doctors in the law that were there present, they were all so ravished with admiration at the more than human wisdom of pantagruel, which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so accurate decision of this so difficult and thorny cause, that their spirits with the extremity of the rapture being elevated above the pitch of actuating the organs of the body, they fell into a trance and sudden ecstasy, wherein they stayed for the space of three long hours, and had been so as yet in that condition had not some good people fetched store of vinegar and rose-water to bring them again unto their former sense and understanding, for the which god be praised everywhere. and so be it. chapter 2.xiv. how panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the hands of the turks. the great wit and judgment of pantagruel was immediately after this made known unto all the world by setting forth his praises in print, and putting upon record this late wonderful proof he hath given thereof amongst the rolls of the crown and registers of the palace, in such sort that everybody began to say that solomon, who by a probable guess only, without any further certainty, caused the child to be delivered to its own mother, showed never in his time such a masterpiece of wisdom as the good pantagruel hath done. happy are we, therefore, that have him in our country. and indeed they would have made him thereupon master of the requests and president in the court; but he refused all, very graciously thanking them for their offer. for, said he, there is too much slavery in these offices, and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them, considering the great corruption that is amongst men. which makes me believe, if the empty seats of angels be not filled with other kind of people than those, we shall not have the final judgment these seven thousand, sixty and seven jubilees yet to come, and so cusanus will be deceived in his conjecture. remember that i have told you of it, and given you fair advertisement in time and place convenient. but if you have any hogsheads of good wine, i willingly will accept of a present of that. which they very heartily did do, in sending him of the best that was in the city, and he drank reasonably well, but poor panurge bibbed and boused of it most villainously, for he was as dry as a red-herring, as lean as a rake, and, like a poor, lank, slender cat, walked gingerly as if he had trod upon eggs. so that by someone being admonished, in the midst of his draught of a large deep bowl full of excellent claret with these words--fair and softly, gossip, you suck up as if you were mad --i give thee to the devil, said he; thou hast not found here thy little tippling sippers of paris, that drink no more than the little bird called a spink or chaffinch, and never take in their beakful of liquor till they be bobbed on the tails after the manner of the sparrows. o companion! if i could mount up as well as i can get down, i had been long ere this above the sphere of the moon with empedocles. but i cannot tell what a devil this means. this wine is so good and delicious, that the more i drink thereof the more i am athirst. i believe that the shadow of my master pantagruel engendereth the altered and thirsty men, as the moon doth the catarrhs and defluxions. at which word the company began to laugh, which pantagruel perceiving, said, panurge, what is that which moves you to laugh so? sir, said he, i was telling them that these devilish turks are very unhappy in that they never drink one drop of wine, and that though there were no other harm in all mahomet's alcoran, yet for this one base point of abstinence from wine which therein is commanded, i would not submit myself unto their law. but now tell me, said pantagruel, how you escaped out of their hands. by g--, sir, said panurge, i will not lie to you in one word. the rascally turks had broached me upon a spit all larded like a rabbit, for i was so dry and meagre that otherwise of my flesh they would have made but very bad meat, and in this manner began to roast me alive. as they were thus roasting me, i recommended myself unto the divine grace, having in my mind the good st. lawrence, and always hoped in god that he would deliver me out of this torment. which came to pass, and that very strangely. for as i did commit myself with all my heart unto god, crying, lord god, help me! lord god, save me! lord god, take me out of this pain and hellish torture, wherein these traitorous dogs detain me for my sincerity in the maintenance of thy law! the roaster or turnspit fell asleep by the divine will, or else by the virtue of some good mercury, who cunningly brought argus into a sleep for all his hundred eyes. when i saw that he did no longer turn me in roasting, i looked upon him, and perceived that he was fast asleep. then took i up in my teeth a firebrand by the end where it was not burnt, and cast it into the lap of my roaster, and another did i throw as well as i could under a field-couch that was placed near to the chimney, wherein was the straw-bed of my master turnspit. presently the fire took hold in the straw, and from the straw to the bed, and from the bed to the loft, which was planked and ceiled with fir, after the fashion of the foot of a lamp. but the best was, that the fire which i had cast into the lap of my paltry roaster burnt all his groin, and was beginning to cease (seize) upon his cullions, when he became sensible of the danger, for his smelling was not so bad but that he felt it sooner than he could have seen daylight. then suddenly getting up, and in a great amazement running to the window, he cried out to the streets as high as he could, dal baroth, dal baroth, dal baroth, which is as much to say as fire, fire, fire. incontinently turning about, he came straight towards me to throw me quite into the fire, and to that effect had already cut the ropes wherewith my hands were tied, and was undoing the cords from off my feet, when the master of the house hearing him cry fire, and smelling the smoke from the very street where he was walking with some other bashaws and mustaphas, ran with all the speed he had to save what he could, and to carry away his jewels. yet such was his rage, before he could well resolve how to go about it, that he caught the broach whereon i was spitted and therewith killed my roaster stark dead, of which wound he died there for want of government or otherwise; for he ran him in with the spit a little above the navel, towards the right flank, till he pierced the third lappet of his liver, and the blow slanting upwards from the midriff or diaphragm, through which it had made penetration, the spit passed athwart the pericardium or capsule of his heart, and came out above at his shoulders, betwixt the spondyls or turning joints of the chine of the back and the left homoplat, which we call the shoulder-blade. true it is, for i will not lie, that, in drawing the spit out of my body i fell to the ground near unto the andirons, and so by the fall took some hurt, which indeed had been greater, but that the lardons, or little slices of bacon wherewith i was stuck, kept off the blow. my bashaw then seeing the case to be desperate, his house burnt without remission, and all his goods lost, gave himself over unto all the devils in hell, calling upon some of them by their names, grilgoth, astaroth, rappalus, and gribouillis, nine several times. which when i saw, i had above sixpence' worth of fear, dreading that the devils would come even then to carry away this fool, and, seeing me so near him, would perhaps snatch me up to. i am already, thought i, half roasted, and my lardons will be the cause of my mischief; for these devils are very liquorous of lardons, according to the authority which you have of the philosopher jamblicus, and murmault, in the apology of bossutis, adulterated pro magistros nostros. but for my better security i made the sign of the cross, crying, hageos, athanatos, ho theos, and none came. at which my rogue bashaw being very much aggrieved would, in transpiercing his heart with my spit, have killed himself, and to that purpose had set it against his breast, but it could not enter, because it was not sharp enough. whereupon i perceiving that he was not like to work upon his body the effect which he intended, although he did not spare all the force he had to thrust it forward, came up to him and said, master bugrino, thou dost here but trifle away thy time, or rashly lose it, for thou wilt never kill thyself thus as thou doest. well, thou mayst hurt or bruise somewhat within thee, so as to make thee languish all thy lifetime most pitifully amongst the hands of the chirurgeons; but if thou wilt be counselled by me, i will kill thee clear outright, so that thou shalt not so much as feel it, and trust me, for i have killed a great many others, who have found themselves very well after it. ha, my friend, said he, i prithee do so, and for thy pains i will give thee my codpiece (budget); take, here it is, there are six hundred seraphs in it, and some fine diamonds and most excellent rubies. and where are they? said epistemon. by st. john, said panurge, they are a good way hence, if they always keep going. but where is the last year's snow? this was the greatest care that villon the parisian poet took. make an end, said pantagruel, that we may know how thou didst dress thy bashaw. by the faith of an honest man, said panurge, i do not lie in one word. i swaddled him in a scurvy swathel-binding which i found lying there half burnt, and with my cords tied him roister-like both hand and foot, in such sort that he was not able to wince; then passed my spit through his throat, and hanged him thereon, fastening the end thereof at two great hooks or crampirons, upon which they did hang their halberds; and then, kindling a fair fire under him, did flame you up my milourt, as they use to do dry herrings in a chimney. with this, taking his budget and a little javelin that was upon the foresaid hooks, i ran away a fair gallop-rake, and god he knows how i did smell my shoulder of mutton. when i was come down into the street, i found everybody come to put out the fire with store of water, and seeing me so half-roasted, they did naturally pity my case, and threw all their water upon me, which, by a most joyful refreshing of me, did me very much good. then did they present me with some victuals, but i could not eat much, because they gave me nothing to drink but water after their fashion. other hurt they did me none, only one little villainous turkey knobbreasted rogue came thiefteously to snatch away some of my lardons, but i gave him such a sturdy thump and sound rap on the fingers with all the weight of my javelin, that he came no more the second time. shortly after this there came towards me a pretty young corinthian wench, who brought me a boxful of conserves, of round mirabolan plums, called emblicks, and looked upon my poor robin with an eye of great compassion, as it was flea-bitten and pinked with the sparkles of the fire from whence it came, for it reached no farther in length, believe me, than my knees. but note that this roasting cured me entirely of a sciatica, whereunto i had been subject above seven years before, upon that side which my roaster by falling asleep suffered to be burnt. now, whilst they were thus busy about me, the fire triumphed, never ask how? for it took hold on above two thousand houses, which one of them espying cried out, saying, by mahoom's belly, all the city is on fire, and we do nevertheless stand gazing here, without offering to make any relief. upon this everyone ran to save his own; for my part, i took my way towards the gate. when i was got upon the knap of a little hillock not far off, i turned me about as did lot's wife, and, looking back, saw all the city burning in a fair fire, whereat i was so glad that i had almost beshit myself for joy. but god punished me well for it. how? said pantagruel. thus, said panurge; for when with pleasure i beheld this jolly fire, jesting with myself, and saying--ha! poor flies, ha! poor mice, you will have a bad winter of it this year; the fire is in your reeks, it is in your bed-straw--out come more than six, yea, more than thirteen hundred and eleven dogs, great and small, altogether out of the town, flying away from the fire. at the first approach they ran all upon me, being carried on by the scent of my lecherous half-roasted flesh, and had even then devoured me in a trice, if my good angel had not well inspired me with the instruction of a remedy very sovereign against the toothache. and wherefore, said pantagruel, wert thou afraid of the toothache or pain of the teeth? wert thou not cured of thy rheums? by palm sunday, said panurge, is there any greater pain of the teeth than when the dogs have you by the legs? but on a sudden, as my good angel directed me, i thought upon my lardons, and threw them into the midst of the field amongst them. then did the dogs run, and fight with one another at fair teeth which should have the lardons. by this means they left me, and i left them also bustling with and hairing one another. thus did i escape frolic and lively, gramercy roastmeat and cookery. chapter 2.xv. how panurge showed a very new way to build the walls of paris. pantagruel one day, to refresh himself of his study, went a-walking towards st. marcel's suburbs, to see the extravagancy of the gobeline building, and to taste of their spiced bread. panurge was with him, having always a flagon under his gown and a good slice of a gammon of bacon; for without this he never went, saying that it was as a yeoman of the guard to him, to preserve his body from harm. other sword carried he none; and, when pantagruel would have given him one, he answered that he needed none, for that it would but heat his milt. yea but, said epistemon, if thou shouldst be set upon, how wouldst thou defend thyself? with great buskinades or brodkin blows, answered he, provided thrusts were forbidden. at their return, panurge considered the walls of the city of paris, and in derision said to pantagruel, see what fair walls here are! o how strong they are, and well fitted to keep geese in a mew or coop to fatten them! by my beard, they are competently scurvy for such a city as this is; for a cow with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them. o my friend, said pantagruel, dost thou know what agesilaus said when he was asked why the great city of lacedaemon was not enclosed with walls? lo here, said he, the walls of the city! in showing them the inhabitants and citizens thereof, so strong, so well armed, and so expert in military discipline; signifying thereby that there is no wall but of bones, and that towns and cities cannot have a surer wall nor better fortification than the prowess and virtue of the citizens and inhabitants. so is this city so strong, by the great number of warlike people that are in it, that they care not for making any other walls. besides, whosoever would go about to wall it, as strasbourg, orleans, or ferrara, would find it almost impossible, the cost and charges would be so excessive. yea but, said panurge, it is good, nevertheless, to have an outside of stone when we are invaded by our enemies, were it but to ask, who is below there? as for the enormous expense which you say would be needful for undertaking the great work of walling this city about, if the gentlemen of the town will be pleased to give me a good rough cup of wine, i will show them a pretty, strange, and new way, how they may build them good cheap. how? said pantagruel. do not speak of it then, answered panurge, and i will tell it you. i see that the sine quo nons, kallibistris, or contrapunctums of the women of this country are better cheap than stones. of them should the walls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of architecture, and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping downwards ridge-wise, like the back of an ass. the middle-sized ones must be ranked next, and last of all the least and smallest. this done, there must be a fine little interlacing of them, like points of diamonds, as is to be seen in the great tower of bourges, with a like number of the nudinnudos, nilnisistandos, and stiff bracmards, that dwell in amongst the claustral codpieces. what devil were able to overthrow such walls? there is no metal like it to resist blows, in so far that, if culverin-shot should come to graze upon it, you would incontinently see distil from thence the blessed fruit of the great pox as small as rain. beware, in the name of the devils, and hold off. furthermore, no thunderbolt or lightning would fall upon it. for why? they are all either blest or consecrated. i see but one inconveniency in it. ho, ho, ha, ha, ha! said pantagruel, and what is that? it is, that the flies would be so liquorish of them that you would wonder, and would quickly gather there together, and there leave their ordure and excretions, and so all the work would be spoiled. but see how that might be remedied: they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with fair foxtails, or great good viedazes, which are ass-pizzles, of provence. and to this purpose i will tell you, as we go to supper, a brave example set down by frater lubinus, libro de compotationibus mendicantium. in the time that the beasts did speak, which is not yet three days since, a poor lion, walking through the forest of bieure, and saying his own little private devotions, passed under a tree where there was a roguish collier gotten up to cut down wood, who, seeing the lion, cast his hatchet at him and wounded him enormously in one of his legs; whereupon the lion halting, he so long toiled and turmoiled himself in roaming up and down the forest to find help, that at last he met with a carpenter, who willingly looked upon his wound, cleansed it as well as he could, and filled it with moss, telling him that he must wipe his wound well that the flies might not do their excrements in it, whilst he should go search for some yarrow or millefoil, commonly called the carpenter's herb. the lion, being thus healed, walked along in the forest at what time a sempiternous crone and old hag was picking up and gathering some sticks in the said forest, who, seeing the lion coming towards her, for fear fell down backwards, in such sort that the wind blew up her gown, coats, and smock, even as far as above her shoulders; which the lion perceiving, for pity ran to see whether she had taken any hurt by the fall, and thereupon considering her how do you call it, said, o poor woman, who hath thus wounded thee? which words when he had spoken, he espied a fox, whom he called to come to him saying, gossip reynard, hau, hither, hither, and for cause! when the fox was come, he said unto him, my gossip and friend, they have hurt this good woman here between the legs most villainously, and there is a manifest solution of continuity. see how great a wound it is, even from the tail up to the navel, in measure four, nay full five handfuls and a half. this is the blow of a hatchet, i doubt me; it is an old wound, and therefore, that the flies may not get into it, wipe it lustily well and hard, i prithee, both within and without; thou hast a good tail, and long. wipe, my friend, wipe, i beseech thee, and in the meanwhile i will go get some moss to put into it; for thus ought we to succour and help one another. wipe it hard, thus, my friend; wipe it well, for this wound must be often wiped, otherwise the party cannot be at ease. go to, wipe well, my little gossip, wipe; god hath furnished thee with a tail; thou hast a long one, and of a bigness proportionable; wipe hard, and be not weary. a good wiper, who, in wiping continually, wipeth with his wipard, by wasps shall never be wounded. wipe, my pretty minion; wipe, my little bully; i will not stay long. then went he to get store of moss; and when he was a little way off, he cried out in speaking to the fox thus, wipe well still, gossip, wipe, and let it never grieve thee to wipe well, my little gossip; i will put thee into service to be wiper to don pedro de castile; wipe, only wipe, and no more. the poor fox wiped as hard as he could, here and there, within and without; but the false old trot did so fizzle and fist that she stunk like a hundred devils, which put the poor fox to a great deal of ill ease, for he knew not to what side to turn himself to escape the unsavoury perfume of this old woman's postern blasts. and whilst to that effect he was shifting hither and thither, without knowing how to shun the annoyance of those unwholesome gusts, he saw that behind there was yet another hole, not so great as that which he did wipe, out of which came this filthy and infectious air. the lion at last returned, bringing with him of moss more than eighteen packs would hold, and began to put into the wound with a staff which he had provided for that purpose, and had already put in full sixteen packs and a half, at which he was amazed. what a devil! said he, this wound is very deep; it would hold above two cartloads of moss. the fox, perceiving this, said unto the lion, o gossip lion, my friend, i pray thee do not put in all thy moss there; keep somewhat, for there is yet here another little hole, that stinks like five hundred devils; i am almost choked with the smell thereof, it is so pestiferous and empoisoning. thus must these walls be kept from the flies, and wages allowed to some for wiping of them. then said pantagruel, how dost thou know that the privy parts of women are at such a cheap rate? for in this city there are many virtuous, honest, and chaste women besides the maids. et ubi prenus? said panurge. i will give you my opinion of it, and that upon certain and assured knowledge. i do not brag that i have bumbasted four hundred and seventeen since i came into this city, though it be but nine days ago; but this very morning i met with a good fellow, who, in a wallet such as aesop's was, carried two little girls of two or three years old at the most, one before and the other behind. he demanded alms of me, but i made him answer that i had more cods than pence. afterwards i asked him, good man, these two girls, are they maids? brother, said he, i have carried them thus these two years, and in regard of her that is before, whom i see continually, in my opinion she is a virgin, nevertheless i will not put my finger in the fire for it; as for her that is behind, doubtless i can say nothing. indeed, said pantagruel, thou art a gentle companion; i will have thee to be apparelled in my livery. and therefore caused him to be clothed most gallantly according to the fashion that then was, only that panurge would have the codpiece of his breeches three foot long, and in shape square, not round; which was done, and was well worth the seeing. oftentimes was he wont to say, that the world had not yet known the emolument and utility that is in wearing great codpieces; but time would one day teach it them, as all things have been invented in time. god keep from hurt, said he, the good fellow whose long codpiece or braguet hath saved his life! god keep from hurt him whose long braguet hath been worth to him in one day one hundred threescore thousand and nine crowns! god keep from hurt him who by his long braguet hath saved a whole city from dying by famine! and, by g-, i will make a book of the commodity of long braguets when i shall have more leisure. and indeed he composed a fair great book with figures, but it is not printed as yet that i know of. chapter 2.xvi. of the qualities and conditions of panurge. panurge was of a middle stature, not too high nor too low, and had somewhat an aquiline nose, made like the handle of a razor. he was at that time five and thirty years old or thereabouts, fine to gild like a leaden dagger--for he was a notable cheater and coney-catcher--he was a very gallant and proper man of his person, only that he was a little lecherous, and naturally subject to a kind of disease which at that time they called lack of money--it is an incomparable grief, yet, notwithstanding, he had three score and three tricks to come by it at his need, of which the most honourable and most ordinary was in manner of thieving, secret purloining and filching, for he was a wicked lewd rogue, a cozener, drinker, roister, rover, and a very dissolute and debauched fellow, if there were any in paris; otherwise, and in all matters else, the best and most virtuous man in the world; and he was still contriving some plot, and devising mischief against the sergeants and the watch. at one time he assembled three or four especial good hacksters and roaring boys, made them in the evening drink like templars, afterwards led them till they came under st. genevieve, or about the college of navarre, and, at the hour that the watch was coming up that way--which he knew by putting his sword upon the pavement, and his ear by it, and, when he heard his sword shake, it was an infallible sign that the watch was near at that instant--then he and his companions took a tumbrel or dung-cart, and gave it the brangle, hurling it with all their force down the hill, and so overthrew all the poor watchmen like pigs, and then ran away upon the other side; for in less than two days he knew all the streets, lanes, and turnings in paris as well as his deus det. at another time he made in some fair place, where the said watch was to pass, a train of gunpowder, and, at the very instant that they went along, set fire to it, and then made himself sport to see what good grace they had in running away, thinking that st. anthony's fire had caught them by the legs. as for the poor masters of arts, he did persecute them above all others. when he encountered with any of them upon the street, he would not never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit of a fried turd in their graduate hoods, at other times pinning on little foxtails or hares'-ears behind them, or some such other roguish prank. one day that they were appointed all to meet in the fodder street (sorbonne), he made a borbonesa tart, or filthy and slovenly compound, made of store of garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of dogs' turds very warm, which he steeped, tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt matter of pocky boils and pestiferous botches; and, very early in the morning therewith anointed all the pavement, in such sort that the devil could not have endured it, which made all these good people there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was upon their stomachs before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox; and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers, eighteen grew lousy, and about seven and twenty had the pox, but he did not care a button for it. he commonly carried a whip under his gown, wherewith he whipped without remission the pages whom he found carrying wine to their masters, to make them mend their pace. in his coat he had above six and twenty little fobs and pockets always full; one with some lead-water, and a little knife as sharp as a glover's needle, wherewith he used to cut purses; another with some kind of bitter stuff, which he threw into the eyes of those he met; another with clotburrs, penned with little geese' or capon's feathers, which he cast upon the gowns and caps of honest people, and often made them fair horns, which they wore about all the city, sometimes all their life. very often, also, upon the women's french hoods would he stick in the hind part somewhat made in the shape of a man's member. in another, he had a great many little horns full of fleas and lice, which he borrowed from the beggars of st. innocent, and cast them with small canes or quills to write with into the necks of the daintiest gentlewomen that he could find, yea, even in the church, for he never seated himself above in the choir, but always sat in the body of the church amongst the women, both at mass, at vespers, and at sermon. in another, he used to have good store of hooks and buckles, wherewith he would couple men and women together that sat in company close to one another, but especially those that wore gowns of crimson taffeties, that, when they were about to go away, they might rend all their gowns. in another, he had a squib furnished with tinder, matches, stones to strike fire, and all other tackling necessary for it. in another, two or three burning glasses, wherewith he made both men and women sometimes mad, and in the church put them quite out of countenance; for he said that there was but an antistrophe, or little more difference than of a literal inversion, between a woman folle a la messe and molle a la fesse, that is, foolish at the mass and of a pliant buttock. in another, he had a good deal of needles and thread, wherewith he did a thousand little devilish pranks. one time, at the entry of the palace unto the great hall, where a certain grey friar or cordelier was to say mass to the counsellors, he did help to apparel him and put on his vestments, but in the accoutring of him he sewed on his alb, surplice, or stole, to his gown and shirt, and then withdrew himself when the said lords of the court or counsellors came to hear the said mass; but when it came to the ite, missa est, that the poor frater would have laid by his stole or surplice, as the fashion then was, he plucked off withal both his frock and shirt, which were well sewed together, and thereby stripping himself up to the very shoulders showed his bel vedere to all the world, together with his don cypriano, which was no small one, as you may imagine. and the friar still kept haling, but so much the more did he discover himself and lay open his back parts, till one of the lords of the court said, how now! what's the matter? will this fair father make us here an offering of his tail to kiss it? nay, st. anthony's fire kiss it for us! from thenceforth it was ordained that the poor fathers should never disrobe themselves any more before the world, but in their vestry-room, or sextry, as they call it; especially in the presence of women, lest it should tempt them to the sin of longing and disordinate desire. the people then asked why it was the friars had so long and large genitories? the said panurge resolved the problem very neatly, saying, that which makes asses to have such great ears is that their dams did put no biggins on their heads, as alliaco mentioneth in his suppositions. by the like reason, that which makes the genitories or generation-tools of those so fair fraters so long is, for that they wear no bottomed breeches, and therefore their jolly member, having no impediment, hangeth dangling at liberty as far as it can reach, with a wiggle-waggle down to their knees, as women carry their paternoster beads. and the cause wherefore they have it so correspondently great is, that in this constant wig-wagging the humours of the body descend into the said member. for, according to the legists, agitation and continual motion is cause of attraction. item, he had another pocket full of itching powder, called stone-alum, whereof he would cast some into the backs of those women whom he judged to be most beautiful and stately, which did so ticklishly gall them, that some would strip themselves in the open view of the world, and others dance like a cock upon hot embers, or a drumstick on a tabor. others, again, ran about the streets, and he would run after them. to such as were in the stripping vein he would very civilly come to offer his attendance, and cover them with his cloak, like a courteous and very gracious man. item, in another he had a little leather bottle full of old oil, wherewith, when he saw any man or woman in a rich new handsome suit, he would grease, smutch, and spoil all the best parts of it under colour and pretence of touching them, saying, this is good cloth; this is good satin; good taffeties! madam, god give you all that your noble heart desireth! you have a new suit, pretty sir;--and you a new gown, sweet mistress;--god give you joy of it, and maintain you in all prosperity! and with this would lay his hand upon their shoulder, at which touch such a villainous spot was left behind, so enormously engraven to perpetuity in the very soul, body, and reputation, that the devil himself could never have taken it away. then, upon his departing, he would say, madam, take heed you do not fall, for there is a filthy great hole before you, whereinto if you put your foot, you will quite spoil yourself. another he had all full of euphorbium, very finely pulverized. in that powder did he lay a fair handkerchief curiously wrought, which he had stolen from a pretty seamstress of the palace, in taking away a louse from off her bosom which he had put there himself, and, when he came into the company of some good ladies, he would trifle them into a discourse of some fine workmanship of bone-lace, then immediately put his hand into their bosom, asking them, and this work, is it of flanders, or of hainault? and then drew out his handkerchief, and said, hold, hold, look what work here is, it is of foutignan or of fontarabia, and shaking it hard at their nose, made them sneeze for four hours without ceasing. in the meanwhile he would fart like a horse, and the women would laugh and say, how now, do you fart, panurge? no, no, madam, said he, i do but tune my tail to the plain song of the music which you make with your nose. in another he had a picklock, a pelican, a crampiron, a crook, and some other iron tools, wherewith there was no door nor coffer which he would not pick open. he had another full of little cups, wherewith he played very artificially, for he had his fingers made to his hand, like those of minerva or arachne, and had heretofore cried treacle. and when he changed a teston, cardecu, or any other piece of money, the changer had been more subtle than a fox if panurge had not at every time made five or six sols (that is, some six or seven pence,) vanish away invisibly, openly, and manifestly, without making any hurt or lesion, whereof the changer should have felt nothing but the wind. chapter 2.xvii. how panurge gained the pardons, and married the old women, and of the suit in law which he had at paris. one day i found panurge very much out of countenance, melancholic, and silent; which made me suspect that he had no money; whereupon i said unto him, panurge, you are sick, as i do very well perceive by your physiognomy, and i know the disease. you have a flux in your purse; but take no care. i have yet sevenpence halfpenny that never saw father nor mother, which shall not be wanting, no more than the pox, in your necessity. whereunto he answered me, well, well; for money one day i shall have but too much, for i have a philosopher's stone which attracts money out of men's purses as the adamant doth iron. but will you go with me to gain the pardons? said he. by my faith, said i, i am no great pardon-taker in this world--if i shall be any such in the other, i cannot tell; yet let us go, in god's name; it is but one farthing more or less; but, said he, lend me then a farthing upon interest. no, no, said i; i will give it you freely, and from my heart. grates vobis dominos, said he. so we went along, beginning at st. gervase, and i got the pardons at the first box only, for in those matters very little contenteth me. then did i say my small suffrages and the prayers of st. brigid; but he gained them all at the boxes, and always gave money to everyone of the pardoners. from thence we went to our lady's church, to st. john's, to st. anthony's, and so to the other churches, where there was a banquet (bank) of pardons. for my part, i gained no more of them, but he at all the boxes kissed the relics, and gave at everyone. to be brief, when we were returned, he brought me to drink at the castle-tavern, and there showed me ten or twelve of his little bags full of money, at which i blessed myself, and made the sign of the cross, saying, where have you recovered so much money in so little time? unto which he answered me that he had taken it out of the basins of the pardons. for in giving them the first farthing, said he, i put it in with such sleight of hand and so dexterously that it appeared to be a threepence; thus with one hand i took threepence, ninepence, or sixpence at the least, and with the other as much, and so through all the churches where we have been. yea but, said i, you damn yourself like a snake, and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person. true, said he, in your opinion, but i am not of that mind; for the pardoners do give me it, when they say unto me in presenting the relics to kiss, centuplum accipies, that is, that for one penny i should take a hundred; for accipies is spoken according to the manner of the hebrews, who use the future tense instead of the imperative, as you have in the law, diliges dominum, that is, dilige. even so, when the pardon-bearer says to me, centuplum accipies, his meaning is, centuplum accipe; and so doth rabbi kimy and rabbi aben ezra expound it, and all the massorets, et ibi bartholus. moreover, pope sixtus gave me fifteen hundred francs of yearly pension, which in english money is a hundred and fifty pounds, upon his ecclesiastical revenues and treasure, for having cured him of a cankerous botch, which did so torment him that he thought to have been a cripple by it all his life. thus i do pay myself at my own hand, for otherwise i get nothing upon the said ecclesiastical treasure. ho, my friend! said he, if thou didst know what advantage i made, and how well i feathered my nest, by the pope's bull of the crusade, thou wouldst wonder exceedingly. it was worth to me above six thousand florins, in english coin six hundred pounds. and what a devil is become of them? said i; for of that money thou hast not one halfpenny. they returned from whence they came, said he; they did no more but change their master. but i employed at least three thousand of them, that is, three hundred pounds english, in marrying--not young virgins, for they find but too many husbands--but great old sempiternous trots which had not so much as one tooth in their heads; and that out of the consideration i had that these good old women had very well spent the time of their youth in playing at the close-buttock game to all comers, serving the foremost first, till no man would have any more dealing with them. and, by g--, i will have their skin-coat shaken once yet before they die. by this means, to one i gave a hundred florins, to another six score, to another three hundred, according to that they were infamous, detestable, and abominable. for, by how much the more horrible and execrable they were, so much the more must i needs have given them, otherwise the devil would not have jummed them. presently i went to some great and fat wood-porter, or such like, and did myself make the match. but, before i did show him the old hags, i made a fair muster to him of the crowns, saying, good fellow, see what i will give thee if thou wilt but condescend to duffle, dinfredaille, or lecher it one good time. then began the poor rogues to gape like old mules, and i caused to be provided for them a banquet, with drink of the best, and store of spiceries, to put the old women in rut and heat of lust. to be short, they occupied all, like good souls; only, to those that were horribly ugly and ill-favoured, i caused their head to be put within a bag, to hide their face. besides all this, i have lost a great deal in suits of law. and what lawsuits couldst thou have? said i; thou hast neither house nor lands. my friend, said he, the gentlewomen of this city had found out, by the instigation of the devil of hell, a manner of high-mounted bands and neckerchiefs for women, which did so closely cover their bosoms that men could no more put their hands under. for they had put the slit behind, and those neckcloths were wholly shut before, whereat the poor sad contemplative lovers were much discontented. upon a fair tuesday i presented a petition to the court, making myself a party against the said gentlewomen, and showing the great interest that i pretended therein, protesting that by the same reason i would cause the codpiece of my breeches to be sewed behind, if the court would not take order for it. in sum, the gentlewomen put in their defences, showing the grounds they went upon, and constituted their attorney for the prosecuting of the cause. but i pursued them so vigorously, that by a sentence of the court it was decreed those high neckcloths should be no longer worn if they were not a little cleft and open before; but it cost me a good sum of money. i had another very filthy and beastly process against the dung-farmer called master fifi and his deputies, that they should no more read privily the pipe, puncheon, nor quart of sentences, but in fair full day, and that in the fodder schools, in face of the arrian (artitian) sophisters, where i was ordained to pay the charges, by reason of some clause mistaken in the relation of the sergeant. another time i framed a complaint to the court against the mules of the presidents, counsellors, and others, tending to this purpose, that, when in the lower court of the palace they left them to champ on their bridles, some bibs were made for them (by the counsellors' wives), that with their drivelling they might not spoil the pavement; to the end that the pages of the palace what play upon it with their dice, or at the game of coxbody, at their own ease, without spoiling their breeches at the knees. and for this i had a fair decree, but it cost me dear. now reckon up what expense i was at in little banquets which from day to day i made to the pages of the palace. and to what end? said i. my friend, said he, thou hast no pastime at all in this world. i have more than the king, and if thou wilt join thyself with me, we will do the devil together. no, no, said i; by st. adauras, that will i not, for thou wilt be hanged one time or another. and thou, said he, wilt be interred some time or other. now which is most honourable, the air or the earth? ho, grosse pecore! whilst the pages are at their banqueting, i keep their mules, and to someone i cut the stirrup-leather of the mounting side till it hang but by a thin strap or thread, that when the great puffguts of the counsellor or some other hath taken his swing to get up, he may fall flat on his side like a pork, and so furnish the spectators with more than a hundred francs' worth of laughter. but i laugh yet further to think how at his home-coming the master-page is to be whipped like green rye, which makes me not to repent what i have bestowed in feasting them. in brief, he had, as i said before, three score and three ways to acquire money, but he had two hundred and fourteen to spend it, besides his drinking. chapter 2.xviii. how a great scholar of england would have argued against pantagruel, and was overcome by panurge. in that same time a certain learned man named thaumast, hearing the fame and renown of pantagruel's incomparable knowledge, came out of his own country of england with an intent only to see him, to try thereby and prove whether his knowledge in effect was so great as it was reported to be. in this resolution being arrived at paris, he went forthwith unto the house of the said pantagruel, who was lodged in the palace of st. denis, and was then walking in the garden thereof with panurge, philosophizing after the fashion of the peripatetics. at his first entrance he startled, and was almost out of his wits for fear, seeing him so great and so tall. then did he salute him courteously as the manner is, and said unto him, very true it is, saith plato the prince of philosophers, that if the image and knowledge of wisdom were corporeal and visible to the eyes of mortals, it would stir up all the world to admire her. which we may the rather believe that the very bare report thereof, scattered in the air, if it happen to be received into the ears of men, who, for being studious and lovers of virtuous things are called philosophers, doth not suffer them to sleep nor rest in quiet, but so pricketh them up and sets them on fire to run unto the place where the person is, in whom the said knowledge is said to have built her temple and uttered her oracles. as it was manifestly shown unto us in the queen of sheba, who came from the utmost borders of the east and persian sea, to see the order of solomon's house and to hear his wisdom; in anacharsis, who came out of scythia, even unto athens, to see solon; in pythagoras, who travelled far to visit the memphitical vaticinators; in plato, who went a great way off to see the magicians of egypt, and architus of tarentum; in apollonius tyaneus, who went as far as unto mount caucasus, passed along the scythians, the massagetes, the indians, and sailed over the great river phison, even to the brachmans to see hiarchus; as likewise unto babylon, chaldea, media, assyria, parthia, syria, phoenicia, arabia, palestina, and alexandria, even unto aethiopia, to see the gymnosophists. the like example have we of titus livius, whom to see and hear divers studious persons came to rome from the confines of france and spain. i dare not reckon myself in the number of those so excellent persons, but well would be called studious, and a lover, not only of learning, but of learned men also. and indeed, having heard the report of your so inestimable knowledge, i have left my country, my friends, my kindred, and my house, and am come thus far, valuing at nothing the length of the way, the tediousness of the sea, nor strangeness of the land, and that only to see you and to confer with you about some passages in philosophy, of geomancy, and of the cabalistic art, whereof i am doubtful and cannot satisfy my mind; which if you can resolve, i yield myself unto you for a slave henceforward, together with all my posterity, for other gift have i none that i can esteem a recompense sufficient for so great a favour. i will reduce them into writing, and to-morrow publish them to all the learned men in the city, that we may dispute publicly before them. but see in what manner i mean that we shall dispute. i will not argue pro et contra, as do the sottish sophisters of this town and other places. likewise i will not dispute after the manner of the academics by declamation; nor yet by numbers, as pythagoras was wont to do, and as picus de la mirandula did of late at rome. but i will dispute by signs only without speaking, for the matters are so abstruse, hard, and arduous, that words proceeding from the mouth of man will never be sufficient for unfolding of them to my liking. may it, therefore, please your magnificence to be there; it shall be at the great hall of navarre at seven o'clock in the morning. when he had spoken these words, pantagruel very honourably said unto him: sir, of the graces that god hath bestowed upon me, i would not deny to communicate unto any man to my power. for whatever comes from him is good, and his pleasure is that it should be increased when we come amongst men worthy and fit to receive this celestial manna of honest literature. in which number, because that in this time, as i do already very plainly perceive, thou holdest the first rank, i give thee notice that at all hours thou shalt find me ready to condescend to every one of thy requests according to my poor ability; although i ought rather to learn of thee than thou of me. but, as thou hast protested, we will confer of these doubts together, and will seek out the resolution, even unto the bottom of that undrainable well where heraclitus says the truth lies hidden. and i do highly commend the manner of arguing which thou hast proposed, to wit, by signs without speaking; for by this means thou and i shall understand one another well enough, and yet shall be free from this clapping of hands which these blockish sophisters make when any of the arguers hath gotten the better of the argument. now to-morrow i will not fail to meet thee at the place and hour that thou hast appointed, but let me entreat thee that there be not any strife or uproar between us, and that we seek not the honour and applause of men, but the truth only. to which thaumast answered: the lord god maintain you in his favour and grace, and, instead of my thankfulness to you, pour down his blessings upon you, for that your highness and magnificent greatness hath not disdained to descend to the grant of the request of my poor baseness. so farewell till to-morrow! farewell, said pantagruel. gentlemen, you that read this present discourse, think not that ever men were more elevated and transported in their thoughts than all this night were both thaumast and pantagruel; for the said thaumast said to the keeper of the house of cluny, where he was lodged, that in all his life he had never known himself so dry as he was that night. i think, said he, that pantagruel held me by the throat. give order, i pray you, that we may have some drink, and see that some fresh water be brought to us, to gargle my palate. on the other side, pantagruel stretched his wits as high as he could, entering into very deep and serious meditations, and did nothing all that night but dote upon and turn over the book of beda, de numeris et signis; plotin's book, de inenarrabilibus; the book of proclus, de magia; the book of artemidorus peri oneirokritikon; of anaxagoras, peri zemeion; dinarius, peri aphaton; the books of philiston; hipponax, peri anekphoneton, and a rabble of others, so long, that panurge said unto him: my lord, leave all these thoughts and go to bed; for i perceive your spirits to be so troubled by a too intensive bending of them, that you may easily fall into some quotidian fever with this so excessive thinking and plodding. but, having first drunk five and twenty or thirty good draughts, retire yourself and sleep your fill, for in the morning i will argue against and answer my master the englishman, and if i drive him not ad metam non loqui, then call me knave. yea but, said he, my friend panurge, he is marvellously learned; how wilt thou be able to answer him? very well, answered panurge; i pray you talk no more of it, but let me alone. is any man so learned as the devils are? no, indeed, said pantagruel, without god's especial grace. yet for all that, said panurge, i have argued against them, gravelled and blanked them in disputation, and laid them so squat upon their tails that i have made them look like monkeys. therefore be assured that to-morrow i will make this vain-glorious englishman to skite vinegar before all the world. so panurge spent the night with tippling amongst the pages, and played away all the points of his breeches at primus secundus and at peck point, in french called la vergette. yet, when the condescended on time was come, he failed not to conduct his master pantagruel to the appointed place, unto which, believe me, there was neither great nor small in paris but came, thinking with themselves that this devilish pantagruel, who had overthrown and vanquished in dispute all these doting fresh-water sophisters, would now get full payment and be tickled to some purpose. for this englishman is a terrible bustler and horrible coil-keeper. we will see who will be conqueror, for he never met with his match before. thus all being assembled, thaumast stayed for them, and then, when pantagruel and panurge came into the hall, all the schoolboys, professors of arts, senior sophisters, and bachelors began to clap their hands, as their scurvy custom is. but pantagruel cried out with a loud voice, as if it had been the sound of a double cannon, saying, peace, with a devil to you, peace! by g--, you rogues, if you trouble me here, i will cut off the heads of everyone of you. at which words they remained all daunted and astonished like so many ducks, and durst not do so much as cough, although they had swallowed fifteen pounds of feathers. withal they grew so dry with this only voice, that they laid out their tongues a full half foot beyond their mouths, as if pantagruel had salted all their throats. then began panurge to speak, saying to the englishman, sir, are you come hither to dispute contentiously in those propositions you have set down, or, otherwise, but to learn and know the truth? to which answered thaumast, sir, no other thing brought me hither but the great desire i had to learn and to know that of which i have doubted all my life long, and have neither found book nor man able to content me in the resolution of those doubts which i have proposed. and, as for disputing contentiously, i will not do it, for it is too base a thing, and therefore leave it to those sottish sophisters who in their disputes do not search for the truth, but for contradiction only and debate. then said panurge, if i, who am but a mean and inconsiderable disciple of my master my lord pantagruel, content and satisfy you in all and everything, it were a thing below my said master wherewith to trouble him. therefore is it fitter that he be chairman, and sit as a judge and moderator of our discourse and purpose, and give you satisfaction in many things wherein perhaps i shall be wanting to your expectation. truly, said thaumast, it is very well said; begin then. now you must note that panurge had set at the end of his long codpiece a pretty tuft of red silk, as also of white, green, and blue, and within it had put a fair orange. chapter 2.xix. how panurge put to a nonplus the englishman that argued by signs. everybody then taking heed, and hearkening with great silence, the englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally, clunching in all the tops of his fingers together, after the manner which, a la chinonnese, they call the hen's arse, and struck the one hand on the other by the nails four several times. then he, opening them, struck the one with the flat of the other till it yielded a clashing noise, and that only once. again, in joining them as before, he struck twice, and afterwards four times in opening them. then did he lay them joined, and extended the one towards the other, as if he had been devoutly to send up his prayers unto god. panurge suddenly lifted up in the air his right hand, and put the thumb thereof into the nostril of the same side, holding his four fingers straight out, and closed orderly in a parallel line to the point of his nose, shutting the left eye wholly, and making the other wink with a profound depression of the eyebrows and eyelids. then lifted he up his left hand, with hard wringing and stretching forth his four fingers and elevating his thumb, which he held in a line directly correspondent to the situation of his right hand, with the distance of a cubit and a half between them. this done, in the same form he abased towards the ground about the one and the other hand. lastly, he held them in the midst, as aiming right at the englishman's nose. and if mercury,--said the englishman. there panurge interrupted him, and said, you have spoken, mask. then made the englishman this sign. his left hand all open he lifted up into the air, then instantly shut into his fist the four fingers thereof, and his thumb extended at length he placed upon the gristle of his nose. presently after, he lifted up his right hand all open, and all open abased and bent it downwards, putting the thumb thereof in the very place where the little finger of the left hand did close in the fist, and the four right-hand fingers he softly moved in the air. then contrarily he did with the right hand what he had done with the left, and with the left what he had done with the right. panurge, being not a whit amazed at this, drew out into the air his trismegist codpiece with the left hand, and with his right drew forth a truncheon of a white ox-rib, and two pieces of wood of a like form, one of black ebony and the other of incarnation brasil, and put them betwixt the fingers of that hand in good symmetry; then, knocking them together, made such a noise as the lepers of brittany use to do with their clappering clickets, yet better resounding and far more harmonious, and with his tongue contracted in his mouth did very merrily warble it, always looking fixedly upon the englishman. the divines, physicians, and chirurgeons that were there thought that by this sign he would have inferred that the englishman was a leper. the counsellors, lawyers, and decretalists conceived that by doing this he would have concluded some kind of mortal felicity to consist in leprosy, as the lord maintained heretofore. the englishman for all this was nothing daunted, but holding up his two hands in the air, kept them in such form that he closed the three master-fingers in his fist, and passing his thumbs through his indical or foremost and middle fingers, his auriculary or little fingers remained extended and stretched out, and so presented he them to panurge. then joined he them so that the right thumb touched the left, and the left little finger touched the right. hereat panurge, without speaking one word, lift up his hands and made this sign. he put the nail of the forefinger of his left hand to the nail of the thumb of the same, making in the middle of the distance as it were a buckle, and of his right hand shut up all the fingers into his fist, except the forefinger, which he often thrust in and out through the said two others of the left hand. then stretched he out the forefinger and middle finger or medical of his right hand, holding them asunder as much as he could, and thrusting them towards thaumast. then did he put the thumb of his left hand upon the corner of his left eye, stretching out all his hand like the wing of a bird or the fin of a fish, and moving it very daintily this way and that way, he did as much with his right hand upon the corner of his right eye. thaumast began then to wax somewhat pale, and to tremble, and made him this sign. with the middle finger of his right hand he struck against the muscle of the palm or pulp which is under the thumb. then put he the forefinger of the right hand in the like buckle of the left, but he put it under, and not over, as panurge did. then panurge knocked one hand against another, and blowed in his palm, and put again the forefinger of his right hand into the overture or mouth of the left, pulling it often in and out. then held he out his chin, most intentively looking upon thaumast. the people there, which understood nothing in the other signs, knew very well that therein he demanded, without speaking a word to thaumast, what do you mean by that? in effect, thaumast then began to sweat great drops, and seemed to all the spectators a man strangely ravished in high contemplation. then he bethought himself, and put all the nails of his left hand against those of his right, opening his fingers as if they had been semicircles, and with this sign lift up his hands as high as he could. whereupon panurge presently put the thumb of his right hand under his jaws, and the little finger thereof in the mouth of the left hand, and in this posture made his teeth to sound very melodiously, the upper against the lower. with this thaumast, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising let a great baker's fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell. the company began to stop their noses; for he had conskited himself with mere anguish and perplexity. then lifted he up his right hand, clunching it in such sort that he brought the ends of all his fingers to meet together, and his left hand he laid flat upon his breast. whereat panurge drew out his long codpiece with his tuff, and stretched it forth a cubit and a half, holding it in the air with his right hand, and with his left took out his orange, and, casting it up into the air seven times, at the eighth he hid it in the fist of his right hand, holding it steadily up on high, and then began to shake his fair codpiece, showing it to thaumast. after that, thaumast began to puff up his two cheeks like a player on a bagpipe, and blew as if he had been to puff up a pig's bladder. whereupon panurge put one finger of his left hand in his nockandrow, by some called st. patrick's hole, and with his mouth sucked in the air, in such a manner as when one eats oysters in the shell, or when we sup up our broth. this done, he opened his mouth somewhat, and struck his right hand flat upon it, making therewith a great and a deep sound, as if it came from the superficies of the midriff through the trachiartery or pipe of the lungs, and this he did for sixteen times; but thaumast did always keep blowing like a goose. then panurge put the forefinger of his right hand into his mouth, pressing it very hard to the muscles thereof; then he drew it out, and withal made a great noise, as when little boys shoot pellets out of the pot-cannons made of the hollow sticks of the branch of an alder-tree, and he did it nine times. then thaumast cried out, ha, my masters, a great secret! with this he put in his hand up to the elbow, then drew out a dagger that he had, holding it by the point downwards. whereat panurge took his long codpiece, and shook it as hard as he could against his thighs; then put his two hands entwined in manner of a comb upon his head, laying out his tongue as far as he was able, and turning his eyes in his head like a goat that is ready to die. ha, i understand, said thaumast, but what? making such a sign that he put the haft of his dagger against his breast, and upon the point thereof the flat of his hand, turning in a little the ends of his fingers. whereat panurge held down his head on the left side, and put his middle finger into his right ear, holding up his thumb bolt upright. then he crossed his two arms upon his breast and coughed five times, and at the fifth time he struck his right foot against the ground. then he lift up his left arm, and closing all his fingers into his fist, held his thumb against his forehead, striking with his right hand six times against his breast. but thaumast, as not content therewith, put the thumb of his left hand upon the top of his nose, shutting the rest of his said hand, whereupon panurge set his two master-fingers upon each side of his mouth, drawing it as much as he was able, and widening it so that he showed all his teeth, and with his two thumbs plucked down his two eyelids very low, making therewith a very ill-favoured countenance, as it seemed to the company. chapter 2.xx. how thaumast relateth the virtues and knowledge of panurge. then panurge rose up, and, putting off his cap, did very kindly thank the said panurge, and with a loud voice said unto all the people that were there: my lords, gentlemen, and others, at this time may i to some good purpose speak that evangelical word, et ecce plus quam salomon hic! you have here in your presence an incomparable treasure, that is, my lord pantagruel, whose great renown hath brought me hither, out of the very heart of england, to confer with him about the insoluble problems, both in magic, alchemy, the cabal, geomancy, astrology, and philosophy, which i had in my mind. but at present i am angry even with fame itself, which i think was envious to him, for that it did not declare the thousandth part of the worth that indeed is in him. you have seen how his disciple only hath satisfied me, and hath told me more than i asked of him. besides, he hath opened unto me, and resolved other inestimable doubts, wherein i can assure you he hath to me discovered the very true well, fountain, and abyss of the encyclopaedia of learning; yea, in such a sort that i did not think i should ever have found a man that could have made his skill appear in so much as the first elements of that concerning which we disputed by signs, without speaking either word or half word. but, in fine, i will reduce into writing that which we have said and concluded, that the world may not take them to be fooleries, and will thereafter cause them to be printed, that everyone may learn as i have done. judge, then, what the master had been able to say, seeing the disciple hath done so valiantly; for, non est discipulus super magistrum. howsoever, god be praised! and i do very humbly thank you for the honour that you have done us at this act. god reward you for it eternally! the like thanks gave pantagruel to all the company, and, going from thence, he carried thaumast to dinner with him, and believe that they drank as much as their skins could hold, or, as the phrase is, with unbuttoned bellies (for in that age they made fast their bellies with buttons, as we do now the collars of our doublets or jerkins), even till they neither knew where they were nor whence they came. blessed lady, how they did carouse it, and pluck, as we say, at the kid's leather! and flagons to trot, and they to toot, draw; give, page, some wine here; reach hither; fill with a devil, so! there was not one but did drink five and twenty or thirty pipes. can you tell how? even sicut terra sine aqua; for the weather was hot, and, besides that, they were very dry. in matter of the exposition of the propositions set down by thaumast, and the signification of the signs which they used in their disputation, i would have set them down for you according to their own relation, but i have been told that thaumast made a great book of it, imprinted at london, wherein he hath set down all, without omitting anything, and therefore at this time i do pass by it. chapter 2.xxi. how panurge was in love with a lady of paris. panurge began to be in great reputation in the city of paris by means of this disputation wherein he prevailed against the englishman, and from thenceforth made his codpiece to be very useful to him. to which effect he had it pinked with pretty little embroideries after the romanesca fashion. and the world did praise him publicly, in so far that there was a song made of him, which little children did use to sing when they were to fetch mustard. he was withal made welcome in all companies of ladies and gentlewomen, so that at last he became presumptuous, and went about to bring to his lure one of the greatest ladies in the city. and, indeed, leaving a rabble of long prologues and protestations, which ordinarily these dolent contemplative lent-lovers make who never meddle with the flesh, one day he said unto her, madam, it would be a very great benefit to the commonwealth, delightful to you, honourable to your progeny, and necessary for me, that i cover you for the propagating of my race, and believe it, for experience will teach it you. the lady at this word thrust him back above a hundred leagues, saying, you mischievous fool, is it for you to talk thus unto me? whom do you think you have in hand? begone, never to come in my sight again; for, if one thing were not, i would have your legs and arms cut off. well, said he, that were all one to me, to want both legs and arms, provided you and i had but one merry bout together at the brangle-buttock game; for herewithin is--in showing her his long codpiece--master john thursday, who will play you such an antic that you shall feel the sweetness thereof even to the very marrow of your bones. he is a gallant, and doth so well know how to find out all the corners, creeks, and ingrained inmates in your carnal trap, that after him there needs no broom, he'll sweep so well before, and leave nothing to his followers to work upon. whereunto the lady answered, go, villain, go. if you speak to me one such word more, i will cry out and make you to be knocked down with blows. ha, said he, you are not so bad as you say--no, or else i am deceived in your physiognomy. for sooner shall the earth mount up unto the heavens, and the highest heavens descend unto the hells, and all the course of nature be quite perverted, than that in so great beauty and neatness as in you is there should be one drop of gall or malice. they say, indeed, that hardly shall a man ever see a fair woman that is not also stubborn. yet that is spoke only of those vulgar beauties; but yours is so excellent, so singular, and so heavenly, that i believe nature hath given it you as a paragon and masterpiece of her art, to make us know what she can do when she will employ all her skill and all her power. there is nothing in you but honey, but sugar, but a sweet and celestial manna. to you it was to whom paris ought to have adjudged the golden apple, not to venus, no, nor to juno, nor to minerva, for never was there so much magnificence in juno, so much wisdom in minerva, nor so much comeliness in venus as there is in you. o heavenly gods and goddesses! how happy shall that man be to whom you will grant the favour to embrace her, to kiss her, and to rub his bacon with hers! by g--, that shall be i, i know it well; for she loves me already her bellyful, i am sure of it, and so was i predestinated to it by the fairies. and therefore, that we lose no time, put on, thrust out your gammons!--and would have embraced her, but she made as if she would put out her head at the window to call her neighbours for help. then panurge on a sudden ran out, and in his running away said, madam, stay here till i come again; i will go call them myself; do not you take so much pains. thus went he away, not much caring for the repulse he had got, nor made he any whit the worse cheer for it. the next day he came to the church at the time she went to mass. at the door he gave her some of the holy water, bowing himself very low before her. afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said unto her, madam, know that i am so amorous of you that i can neither piss nor dung for love. i do not know, lady, what you mean, but if i should take any hurt by it, how much you would be to blame! go, said she, go! i do not care; let me alone to say my prayers. ay but, said he, equivocate upon this: a beau mont le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts. i cannot, said she. it is, said he, a beau con le vit monte, or to a fair c. . .the pr. . .mounts. and upon this, pray to god to give you that which your noble heart desireth, and i pray you give me these paternosters. take them, said she, and trouble me no longer. this done, she would have taken off her paternosters, which were made of a kind of yellow stone called cestrin, and adorned with great spots of gold, but panurge nimbly drew out one of his knives, wherewith he cut them off very handsomely, and whilst he was going away to carry them to the brokers, he said to her, will you have my knife? no, no, said she. but, said he, to the purpose. i am at your commandment, body and goods, tripes and bowels. in the meantime the lady was not very well content with the want of her paternosters, for they were one of her implements to keep her countenance by in the church; then thought with herself, this bold flouting roister is some giddy, fantastical, light-headed fool of a strange country. i shall never recover my paternosters again. what will my husband say? he will no doubt be angry with me. but i will tell him that a thief hath cut them off from my hands in the church, which he will easily believe, seeing the end of the ribbon left at my girdle. after dinner panurge went to see her, carrying in his sleeve a great purse full of palace-crowns, called counters, and began to say unto her, which of us two loveth other best, you me, or i you? whereunto she answered, as for me, i do not hate you; for, as god commands, i love all the world. but to the purpose, said he; are not you in love with me? i have, said she, told you so many times already that you should talk so no more to me, and if you speak of it again i will teach you that i am not one to be talked unto dishonestly. get you hence packing, and deliver me my paternosters, that my husband may not ask me for them. how now, madam, said he, your paternosters? nay, by mine oath, i will not do so, but i will give you others. had you rather have them of gold well enamelled in great round knobs, or after the manner of love-knots, or, otherwise, all massive, like great ingots, or if you had rather have them of ebony, of jacinth, or of grained gold, with the marks of fine turquoises, or of fair topazes, marked with fine sapphires, or of baleu rubies, with great marks of diamonds of eight and twenty squares? no, no, all this is too little. i know a fair bracelet of fine emeralds, marked with spotted ambergris, and at the buckle a persian pearl as big as an orange. it will not cost above five and twenty thousand ducats. i will make you a present of it, for i have ready coin enough,--and withal he made a noise with his counters, as if they had been french crowns. will you have a piece of velvet, either of the violet colour or of crimson dyed in grain, or a piece of broached or crimson satin? will you have chains, gold, tablets, rings? you need no more but say, yes; so far as fifty thousand ducats may reach, it is but as nothing to me. by the virtue of which words he made the water come in her mouth; but she said unto him, no, i thank you, i will have nothing of you. by g--, said he, but i will have somewhat of you; yet shall it be that which shall cost you nothing, neither shall you have a jot the less when you have given it. hold! --showing his long codpiece--this is master john goodfellow, that asks for lodging!--and with that would have embraced her; but she began to cry out, yet not very loud. then panurge put off his counterfeit garb, changed his false visage, and said unto her, you will not then otherwise let me do a little? a turd for you! you do not deserve so much good, nor so much honour; but, by g--, i will make the dogs ride you;--and with this he ran away as fast as he could, for fear of blows, whereof he was naturally fearful. chapter 2.xxii. how panurge served a parisian lady a trick that pleased her not very well. now you must note that the next day was the great festival of corpus christi, called the sacre, wherein all women put on their best apparel, and on that day the said lady was clothed in a rich gown of crimson satin, under which she wore a very costly white velvet petticoat. the day of the eve, called the vigil, panurge searched so long of one side and another that he found a hot or salt bitch, which, when he had tied her with his girdle, he led to his chamber and fed her very well all that day and night. in the morning thereafter he killed her, and took that part of her which the greek geomancers know, and cut it into several small pieces as small as he could. then, carrying it away as close as might be, he went to the place where the lady was to come along to follow the procession, as the custom is upon the said holy day; and when she came in panurge sprinkled some holy water on her, saluting her very courteously. then, a little while after she had said her petty devotions, he sat down close by her upon the same bench, and gave her this roundelay in writing, in manner as followeth. a roundelay. for this one time, that i to you my love discovered, you did too cruel prove, to send me packing, hopeless, and so soon, who never any wrong to you had done, in any kind of action, word, or thought: so that, if my suit liked you not, you ought t' have spoke more civilly, and to this sense, my friend, be pleased to depart from hence, for this one time. what hurt do i, to wish you to remark, with favour and compassion, how a spark of your great beauty hath inflamed my heart with deep affection, and that, for my part, i only ask that you with me would dance the brangle gay in feats of dalliance, for this one time? and, as she was opening this paper to see what it was, panurge very promptly and lightly scattered the drug that he had upon her in divers places, but especially in the plaits of her sleeves and of her gown. then said he unto her, madam, the poor lovers are not always at ease. as for me, i hope that those heavy nights, those pains and troubles, which i suffer for love of you, shall be a deduction to me of so much pain in purgatory; yet, at the least, pray to god to give me patience in my misery. panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her--it was the greatest villainy in the world. panurge made the fashion of driving them away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much ado to save her. whereat panurge very heartily laughing, he said to one of the lords of the city, i believe that same lady is hot, or else that some greyhound hath covered her lately. and when he saw that all the dogs were flocking about her, yarring at the retardment of their access to her, and every way keeping such a coil with her as they are wont to do about a proud or salt bitch, he forthwith departed from thence, and went to call pantagruel, not forgetting in his way alongst the streets through which he went, where he found any dogs to give them a bang with his foot, saying, will you not go with your fellows to the wedding? away, hence, avant, avant, with a devil avant! and being come home, he said to pantagruel, master, i pray you come and see all the dogs of the country, how they are assembled about a lady, the fairest in the city, and would duffle and line her. whereunto pantagruel willingly condescended, and saw the mystery, which he found very pretty and strange. but the best was at the procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched. all the world stood gazing at this spectacle, considering the countenance of those dogs, who, leaping up, got about her neck and spoiled all her gorgeous accoutrements, for the which she could find no remedy but to retire unto her house, which was a palace. thither she went, and the dogs after her; she ran to hide herself, but the chambermaids could not abstain from laughing. when she was entered into the house and had shut the door upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same current that now runs at st. victor, in which gobelin dyeth scarlet, for the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master doribus did heretofore preach publicly. so may god help you, a mill would have ground corn with it. yet not so much as those of basacle at toulouse. chapter 2.xxiii. how pantagruel departed from paris, hearing news that the dipsodes had invaded the land of the amaurots; and the cause wherefore the leagues are so short in france. a little while after pantagruel heard news that his father gargantua had been translated into the land of the fairies by morgue, as heretofore were ogier and arthur; as also, (in the original edition it stands 'together, and that.'--m.) that the report of his translation being spread abroad, the dipsodes had issued out beyond their borders, with inroads had wasted a great part of utopia, and at that very time had besieged the great city of the amaurots. whereupon departing from paris without bidding any man farewell, for the business required diligence, he came to rouen. now pantagruel in his journey seeing that the leagues of that little territory about paris called france were very short in regard of those of other countries, demanded the cause and reason of it from panurge, who told him a story which marotus of the lac, monachus, set down in the acts of the kings of canarre, saying that in old times countries were not distinguished into leagues, miles, furlongs, nor parasangs, until that king pharamond divided them, which was done in manner as followeth. the said king chose at paris a hundred fair, gallant, lusty, brisk young men, all resolute and bold adventurers in cupid's duels, together with a hundred comely, pretty, handsome, lovely and well-complexioned wenches of picardy, all which he caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight days. then having called for them, he delivered to every one of the young men his wench, with store of money to defray their charges, and this injunction besides, to go unto divers places here and there. and wheresoever they should biscot and thrum their wenches, that, they setting a stone there, it should be accounted for a league. thus went away those brave fellows and sprightly blades most merrily, and because they were fresh and had been at rest, they very often jummed and fanfreluched almost at every field's end, and this is the cause why the leagues about paris are so short. but when they had gone a great way, and were now as weary as poor devils, all the oil in their lamps being almost spent, they did not chink and duffle so often, but contented themselves (i mean for the men's part) with one scurvy paltry bout in a day, and this is that which makes the leagues in brittany, delanes, germany, and other more remote countries so long. other men give other reasons for it, but this seems to me of all other the best. to which pantagruel willingly adhered. parting from rouen, they arrived at honfleur, where they took shipping, pantagruel, panurge, epistemon, eusthenes, and carpalin. in which place, waiting for a favourable wind, and caulking their ship, he received from a lady of paris, which i (he) had formerly kept and entertained a good long time, a letter directed on the outside thus, --to the best beloved of the fair women, and least loyal of the valiant men --p.n.t.g.r.l. chapter 2.xxiv. a letter which a messenger brought to pantagruel from a lady of paris, together with the exposition of a posy written in a gold ring. when pantagruel had read the superscription he was much amazed, and therefore demanded of the said messenger the name of her that had sent it. then opened he the letter, and found nothing written in it, nor otherwise enclosed, but only a gold ring, with a square table diamond. wondering at this, he called panurge to him, and showed him the case. whereupon panurge told him that the leaf of paper was written upon, but with such cunning and artifice that no man could see the writing at the first sight. therefore, to find it out, he set it by the fire to see if it was made with sal ammoniac soaked in water. then put he it into the water, to see if the letter was written with the juice of tithymalle. after that he held it up against the candle, to see if it was written with the juice of white onions. then he rubbed one part of it with oil of nuts, to see if it were not written with the lee of a fig-tree, and another part of it with the milk of a woman giving suck to her eldest daughter, to see if it was written with the blood of red toads or green earth-frogs. afterwards he rubbed one corner with the ashes of a swallow's nest, to see if it were not written with the dew that is found within the herb alcakengy, called the winter-cherry. he rubbed, after that, one end with ear-wax, to see if it were not written with the gall of a raven. then did he dip it into vinegar, to try if it was not written with the juice of the garden spurge. after that he greased it with the fat of a bat or flittermouse, to see if it was not written with the sperm of a whale, which some call ambergris. then put it very fairly into a basinful of fresh water, and forthwith took it out, to see whether it were written with stone-alum. but after all experiments, when he perceived that he could find out nothing, he called the messenger and asked him, good fellow, the lady that sent thee hither, did she not give thee a staff to bring with thee? thinking that it had been according to the conceit whereof aulus gellius maketh mention. and the messenger answered him, no, sir. then panurge would have caused his head to be shaven, to see whether the lady had written upon his bald pate, with the hard lye whereof soap is made, that which she meant; but, perceiving that his hair was very long, he forbore, considering that it could not have grown to so great a length in so short a time. then he said to pantagruel, master, by the virtue of g--, i cannot tell what to do nor say in it. for, to know whether there be anything written upon this or no, i have made use of a good part of that which master francisco di nianto, the tuscan, sets down, who hath written the manner of reading letters that do not appear; that which zoroastes published, peri grammaton acriton; and calphurnius bassus, de literis illegibilibus. but i can see nothing, nor do i believe that there is anything else in it than the ring. let us, therefore, look upon it. which when they had done, they found this in hebrew written within, lamach saba(ch)thani; whereupon they called epistemon, and asked him what that meant. to which he answered that they were hebrew words, signifying, wherefore hast thou forsaken me? upon that panurge suddenly replied, i know the mystery. do you see this diamond? it is a false one. this, then, is the exposition of that which the lady means, diamant faux, that is, false lover, why hast thou forsaken me? which interpretation pantagruel presently understood, and withal remembering that at his departure he had not bid the lady farewell, he was very sorry, and would fain have returned to paris to make his peace with her. but epistemon put him in mind of aeneas's departure from dido, and the saying of heraclitus of tarentum, that the ship being at anchor, when need requireth we must cut the cable rather than lose time about untying of it,--and that he should lay aside all other thoughts to succour the city of his nativity, which was then in danger. and, indeed, within an hour after that the wind arose at the north-north-west, wherewith they hoist sail, and put out, even into the main sea, so that within few days, passing by porto sancto and by the madeiras, they went ashore in the canary islands. parting from thence, they passed by capobianco, by senege, by capoverde, by gambre, by sagres, by melli, by the cap di buona speranza, and set ashore again in the kingdom of melinda. parting from thence, they sailed away with a tramontane or northerly wind, passing by meden, by uti, by uden, by gelasim, by the isles of the fairies, and alongst the kingdom of achorie, till at last they arrived at the port of utopia, distant from the city of the amaurots three leagues and somewhat more. when they were ashore, and pretty well refreshed, pantagruel said, gentlemen, the city is not far from hence; therefore, were it not amiss, before we set forward, to advise well what is to be done, that we be not like the athenians, who never took counsel until after the fact? are you resolved to live and die with me? yes, sir, said they all, and be as confident of us as of your own fingers. well, said he, there is but one thing that keeps my mind in great doubt and suspense, which is this, that i know not in what order nor of what number the enemy is that layeth siege to the city; for, if i were certain of that, i should go forward and set on with the better assurance. let us therefore consult together, and bethink ourselves by what means we may come to this intelligence. whereunto they all said, let us go thither and see, and stay you here for us; for this very day, without further respite, do we make account to bring you a certain report thereof. myself, said panurge, will undertake to enter into their camp, within the very midst of their guards, unespied by their watch, and merrily feast and lecher it at their cost, without being known of any, to see the artillery and the tents of all the captains, and thrust myself in with a grave and magnific carriage amongst all their troops and companies, without being discovered. the devil would not be able to peck me out with all his circumventions, for i am of the race of zopyrus. and i, said epistemon, know all the plots and strategems of the valiant captains and warlike champions of former ages, together with all the tricks and subtleties of the art of war. i will go, and, though i be detected and revealed, i will escape by making them believe of you whatever i please, for i am of the race of sinon. i, said eusthenes, will enter and set upon them in their trenches, in spite of their sentries and all their guards; for i will tread upon their bellies and break their legs and arms, yea, though they were every whit as strong as the devil himself, for i am of the race of hercules. and i, said carpalin, will get in there if the birds can enter, for i am so nimble of body, and light withal, that i shall have leaped over their trenches, and ran clean through all their camp, before that they perceive me; neither do i fear shot, nor arrow, nor horse, how swift soever, were he the pegasus of perseus or pacolet, being assured that i shall be able to make a safe and sound escape before them all without any hurt. i will undertake to walk upon the ears of corn or grass in the meadows, without making either of them do so much as bow under me, for i am of the race of camilla the amazon. chapter 2.xxv. how panurge, carpalin, eusthenes, and epistemon, the gentlemen attendants of pantagruel, vanquished and discomfited six hundred and threescore horsemen very cunningly. as he was speaking this, they perceived six hundred and threescore light horsemen, gallantly mounted, who made an outroad thither to see what ship it was that was newly arrived in the harbour, and came in a full gallop to take them if they had been able. then said pantagruel, my lads, retire yourselves unto the ship; here are some of our enemies coming apace, but i will kill them here before you like beasts, although they were ten times so many; in the meantime, withdraw yourselves, and take your sport at it. then answered panurge, no, sir; there is no reason that you should do so, but, on the contrary, retire you unto the ship, both you and the rest, for i alone will here discomfit them; but we must not linger; come, set forward. whereunto the others said, it is well advised, sir; withdraw yourself, and we will help panurge here, so shall you know what we are able to do. then said pantagruel, well, i am content; but, if that you be too weak, i will not fail to come to your assistance. with this panurge took two great cables of the ship and tied them to the kemstock or capstan which was on the deck towards the hatches, and fastened them in the ground, making a long circuit, the one further off, the other within that. then said he to epistemon, go aboard the ship, and, when i give you a call, turn about the capstan upon the orlop diligently, drawing unto you the two cable-ropes; and said to eusthenes and to carpalin, my bullies, stay you here, and offer yourselves freely to your enemies. do as they bid you, and make as if you would yield unto them, but take heed you come not within the compass of the ropes--be sure to keep yourselves free of them. and presently he went aboard the ship, and took a bundle of straw and a barrel of gunpowder, strewed it round about the compass of the cords, and stood by with a brand of fire or match lighted in his hand. presently came the horsemen with great fury, and the foremost ran almost home to the ship, and, by reason of the slipperiness of the bank, they fell, they and their horses, to the number of four and forty; which the rest seeing, came on, thinking that resistance had been made them at their arrival. but panurge said unto them, my masters, i believe that you have hurt yourselves; i pray you pardon us, for it is not our fault, but the slipperiness of the sea-water that is always flowing; we submit ourselves to your good pleasure. so said likewise his two other fellows, and epistemon that was upon the deck. in the meantime panurge withdrew himself, and seeing that they were all within the compass of the cables, and that his two companions were retired, making room for all those horses which came in a crowd, thronging upon the neck of one another to see the ship and such as were in it, cried out on a sudden to epistemon, draw, draw! then began epistemon to wind about the capstan, by doing whereof the two cables so entangled and empestered the legs of the horses, that they were all of them thrown down to the ground easily, together with their riders. but they, seeing that, drew their swords, and would have cut them; whereupon panurge set fire to the train, and there burnt them up all like damned souls, both men and horses, not one escaping save one alone, who being mounted on a fleet turkey courser, by mere speed in flight got himself out of the circle of the ropes. but when carpalin perceived him, he ran after him with such nimbleness and celerity that he overtook him in less than a hundred paces; then, leaping close behind him upon the crupper of his horse, clasped him in his arms, and brought him back to the ship. this exploit being ended, pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously commended the industry of these gentlemen, whom he called his fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves and feed well and merrily upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the ground, and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to that familiarity; only that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that pantagruel would have eaten him up whole, which, considering the wideness of his mouth and capacity of his throat was no great matter for him to have done; for he could have done it as easily as you would eat a small comfit, he showing no more in his throat than would a grain of millet-seed in the mouth of an ass. chapter 2.xxvi. how pantagruel and his company were weary in eating still salt meats; and how carpalin went a-hunting to have some venison. thus as they talked and chatted together, carpalin said, and, by the belly of st. quenet, shall we never eat any venison? this salt meat makes me horribly dry. i will go fetch you a quarter of one of those horses which we have burnt; it is well roasted already. as he was rising up to go about it, he perceived under the side of a wood a fair great roebuck, which was come out of his fort, as i conceive, at the sight of panurge's fire. him did he pursue and run after with as much vigour and swiftness as if it had been a bolt out of a crossbow, and caught him in a moment; and whilst he was in his course he with his hands took in the air four great bustards, seven bitterns, six and twenty grey partridges, two and thirty red-legged ones, sixteen pheasants, nine woodcocks, nineteen herons, two and thirty cushats and ringdoves; and with his feet killed ten or twelve hares and rabbits, which were then at relief and pretty big withal, eighteen rails in a knot together, with fifteen young wild-boars, two little beavers, and three great foxes. so, striking the kid with his falchion athwart the head, he killed him, and, bearing him on his back, he in his return took up his hares, rails, and young wild-boars, and, as far off as he could be heard, cried out and said, panurge, my friend, vinegar, vinegar! then the good pantagruel, thinking he had fainted, commanded them to provide him some vinegar; but panurge knew well that there was some good prey in hands, and forthwith showed unto noble pantagruel how he was bearing upon his back a fair roebuck, and all his girdle bordered with hares. then immediately did epistemon make, in the name of the nine muses, nine antique wooden spits. eusthenes did help to flay, and panurge placed two great cuirassier saddles in such sort that they served for andirons, and making their prisoner to be their cook, they roasted their venison by the fire wherein the horsemen were burnt; and making great cheer with a good deal of vinegar, the devil a one of them did forbear from his victuals--it was a triumphant and incomparable spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured. then said pantagruel, would to god every one of you had two pairs of little anthem or sacring bells hanging at your chin, and that i had at mine the great clocks of rennes, of poictiers, of tours, and of cambray, to see what a peal they would ring with the wagging of our chaps. but, said panurge, it were better we thought a little upon our business, and by what means we might get the upper hand of our enemies. that is well remembered, said pantagruel. therefore spoke he thus to the prisoner, my friend, tell us here the truth, and do not lie to us at all, if thou wouldst not be flayed alive, for it is i that eat the little children. relate unto us at full the order, the number, and the strength of the army. to which the prisoner answered, sir, know for a truth that in the army there are three hundred giants, all armed with armour of proof, and wonderful great. nevertheless, not fully so great as you, except one that is their head, named loupgarou, who is armed from head to foot with cyclopical anvils. furthermore, one hundred three score and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand pioneers; one hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses--(that is for me, said panurge)--whereof some are amazons, some lionnoises, others parisiennes, taurangelles, angevines, poictevines, normandes, and high dutch--there are of them of all countries and all languages. yea but, said pantagruel, is the king there? yes, sir, said the prisoner; he is there in person, and we call him anarchus, king of the dipsodes, which is as much to say as thirsty people, for you never saw men more thirsty, nor more willing to drink, and his tent is guarded by the giants. it is enough, said pantagruel. come, brave boys, are you resolved to go with me? to which panurge answered, god confound him that leaves you! i have already bethought myself how i will kill them all like pigs, and so the devil one leg of them shall escape. but i am somewhat troubled about one thing. and what is that? said pantagruel. it is, said panurge, how i shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man and women in the venetian conflict. ha, ha, ha, ha, said pantagruel. and carpalin said: the devil take these sink-holes, if, by g--, i do not bumbaste some one of them. then said eusthenes: what! shall not i have any, whose paces, since we came from rouen, were never so well winded up as that my needle could mount to ten or eleven o'clock, till now that i have it hard, stiff, and strong, like a hundred devils? truly, said panurge, thou shalt have of the fattest, and of those that are most plump and in the best case. how now! said epistemon; everyone shall ride, and i must lead the ass? the devil take him that will do so. we will make use of the right of war, qui potest capere, capiat. no, no, said panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook, and ride as the world doth. and the good pantagruel laughed at all this, and said unto them, you reckon without your host. i am much afraid that, before it be night, i shall see you in such taking that you will have no great stomach to ride, but more like to be rode upon with sound blows of pike and lance. baste, said epistemon, enough of that! i will not fail to bring them to you, either to roast or boil, to fry or put in paste. they are not so many in number as were in the army of xerxes, for he had thirty hundred thousand fighting-men, if you will believe herodotus and trogus pompeius, and yet themistocles with a few men overthrew them all. for god's sake, take you no care for that. cobsminny, cobsminny, said panurge; my codpiece alone shall suffice to overthrow all the men; and my st. sweephole, that dwells within it, shall lay all the women squat upon their backs. up then, my lads, said pantagruel, and let us march along. chapter 2.xxvii. how pantagruel set up one trophy in memorial of their valour, and panurge another in remembrance of the hares. how pantagruel likewise with his farts begat little men, and with his fisgs little women; and how panurge broke a great staff over two glasses. before we depart hence, said pantagruel, in remembrance of the exploit that you have now performed i will in this place erect a fair trophy. then every man amongst them, with great joy and fine little country songs, set up a huge big post, whereunto they hanged a great cuirassier saddle, the fronstal of a barbed horse, bridle-bosses, pulley-pieces for the knees, stirrup-leathers, spurs, stirrups, a coat of mail, a corslet tempered with steel, a battle-axe, a strong, short, and sharp horseman's sword, a gauntlet, a horseman's mace, gushet-armour for the armpits, leg-harness, and a gorget, with all other furniture needful for the decorement of a triumphant arch, in sign of a trophy. and then pantagruel, for an eternal memorial, wrote this victorial ditton, as followeth:- here was the prowess made apparent of four brave and valiant champions of proof, who, without any arms but wit, at once, like fabius, or the two scipions, burnt in a fire six hundred and threescore crablice, strong rogues ne'er vanquished before. by this each king may learn, rook, pawn, and knight, that sleight is much more prevalent than might. for victory, as all men see, hangs on the ditty of that committee where the great god hath his abode. nor doth he it to strong and great men give, but to his elect, as we must believe; therefore shall he obtain wealth and esteem, who thorough faith doth put his trust in him. whilst pantagruel was writing these foresaid verses, panurge halved and fixed upon a great stake the horns of a roebuck, together with the skin and the right forefoot thereof, the ears of three leverets, the chine of a coney, the jaws of a hare, the wings of two bustards, the feet of four queest-doves, a bottle or borracho full of vinegar, a horn wherein to put salt, a wooden spit, a larding stick, a scurvy kettle full of holes, a dripping-pan to make sauce in, an earthen salt-cellar, and a goblet of beauvais. then, in imitation of pantagruel's verses and trophy, wrote that which followeth:- here was it that four jovial blades sat down to a profound carousing, and to crown their banquet with those wines which please best great bacchus, the monarch of their drinking state. then were the reins and furch of a young hare, with salt and vinegar, displayed there, of which to snatch a bit or two at once they all fell on like hungry scorpions. for th' inventories of defensories say that in heat we must drink neat all out, and of the choicest stuff. but it is bad to eat of young hare's flesh, unless with vinegar we it refresh. receive this tenet, then, without control, that vinegar of that meat is the soul. then said pantagruel, come, my lads, let us begone! we have stayed here too long about our victuals; for very seldom doth it fall out that the greatest eaters do the most martial exploits. there is no shadow like that of flying colours, no smoke like that of horses, no clattering like that of armour. at this epistemon began to smile, and said, there is no shadow like that of the kitchen, no smoke like that of pasties, and no clattering like that of goblets. unto which answered panurge, there is no shadow like that of curtains, no smoke like that of women's breasts, and no clattering like that of ballocks. then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap, and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, ever live pantagruel! when pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men, ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow but like cow's tails, downwards, or, like the limosin radishes, round. how now! said panurge, are your farts so fertile and fruitful? by g--, here be brave farted men and fisgued women; let them be married together; they will beget fine hornets and dorflies. so did pantagruel, and called them pigmies. those he sent to live in an island thereby, where since that time they are increased mightily. but the cranes make war with them continually, against which they do most courageously defend themselves; for these little ends of men and dandiprats (whom in scotland they call whiphandles and knots of a tar-barrel) are commonly very testy and choleric; the physical reason whereof is, because their heart is near their spleen. at this same time panurge took two drinking glasses that were there, both of one bigness, and filled them with water up to the brim, and set one of them upon one stool and the other upon another, placing them about one foot from one another. then he took the staff of a javelin, about five foot and a half long, and put it upon the two glasses, so that the two ends of the staff did come just to the brims of the glasses. this done, he took a great stake or billet of wood, and said to pantagruel and to the rest, my masters, behold how easily we shall have the victory over our enemies; for just as i shall break this staff here upon these glasses, without either breaking or crazing of them, nay, which is more, without spilling one drop of the water that is within them, even so shall we break the heads of our dipsodes without receiving any of us any wound or loss in our person or goods. but, that you may not think there is any witchcraft in this, hold! said he to eusthenes, strike upon the midst as hard as thou canst with this log. eusthenes did so, and the staff broke in two pieces, and not one drop of the water fell out of the glasses. then said he, i know a great many such other tricks; let us now therefore march boldly and with assurance. chapter 2.xxviii. how pantagruel got the victory very strangely over the dipsodes and the giants. after all this talk, pantagruel took the prisoner to him and sent him away, saying, go thou unto thy king in his camp, and tell him tidings of what thou hast seen, and let him resolve to feast me to-morrow about noon; for, as soon as my galleys shall come, which will be to-morrow at furthest, i will prove unto him by eighteen hundred thousand fighting-men and seven thousand giants, all of them greater than i am, that he hath done foolishly and against reason thus to invade my country. wherein pantagruel feigned that he had an army at sea. but the prisoner answered that he would yield himself to be his slave, and that he was content never to return to his own people, but rather with pantagruel to fight against them, and for god's sake besought him that he might be permitted so to do. whereunto pantagruel would not give consent, but commanded him to depart thence speedily and begone as he had told him, and to that effect gave him a boxful of euphorbium, together with some grains of the black chameleon thistle, steeped into aqua vitae, and made up into the condiment of a wet sucket, commanding him to carry it to his king, and to say unto him, that if he were able to eat one ounce of that without drinking after it, he might then be able to resist him without any fear or apprehension of danger. the prisoner then besought him with joined hands that in the hour of the battle he would have compassion upon him. whereat pantagruel said unto him, after that thou hast delivered all unto the king, put thy whole confidence in god, and he will not forsake thee; because, although for my part i be mighty, as thou mayst see, and have an infinite number of men in arms, i do nevertheless trust neither in my force nor in mine industry, but all my confidence is in god my protector, who doth never forsake those that in him do put their trust and confidence. this done, the prisoner requested him that he would afford him some reasonable composition for his ransom. to which pantagruel answered, that his end was not to rob nor ransom men, but to enrich them and reduce them to total liberty. go thy way, said he, in the peace of the living god, and never follow evil company, lest some mischief befall thee. the prisoner being gone, pantagruel said to his men, gentlemen, i have made this prisoner believe that we have an army at sea; as also that we will not assault them till to-morrow at noon, to the end that they, doubting of the great arrival of our men, may spend this night in providing and strengthening themselves, but in the meantime my intention is that we charge them about the hour of the first sleep. let us leave pantagruel here with his apostles, and speak of king anarchus and his army. when the prisoner was come he went unto the king and told him how there was a great giant come, called pantagruel, who had overthrown and made to be cruelly roasted all the six hundred and nine and fifty horsemen, and he alone escaped to bring the news. besides that, he was charged by the said giant to tell him that the next day, about noon, he must make a dinner ready for him, for at that hour he was resolved to set upon him. then did he give him that box wherein were those confitures. but as soon as he had swallowed down one spoonful of them, he was taken with such a heat in the throat, together with an ulceration in the flap of the top of the windpipe, that his tongue peeled with it in such sort that, for all they could do unto him, he found no ease at all but by drinking only without cessation; for as soon as ever he took the goblet from his head, his tongue was on a fire, and therefore they did nothing but still pour in wine into his throat with a funnel. which when his captains, bashaws, and guard of his body did see, they tasted of the same drugs to try whether they were so thirst-procuring and alterative or no. but it so befell them as it had done their king, and they plied the flagon so well that the noise ran throughout all the camp, how the prisoner was returned; that the next day they were to have an assault; that the king and his captains did already prepare themselves for it, together with his guards, and that with carousing lustily and quaffing as hard as they could. every man, therefore, in the army began to tipple, ply the pot, swill and guzzle it as fast as they could. in sum, they drunk so much, and so long, that they fell asleep like pigs, all out of order throughout the whole camp. let us now return to the good pantagruel, and relate how he carried himself in this business. departing from the place of the trophies, he took the mast of their ship in his hand like a pilgrim's staff, and put within the top of it two hundred and seven and thirty puncheons of white wine of anjou, the rest was of rouen, and tied up to his girdle the bark all full of salt, as easily as the lansquenets carry their little panniers, and so set onward on his way with his fellow-soldiers. when he was come near to the enemy's camp, panurge said unto him, sir, if you would do well, let down this white wine of anjou from the scuttle of the mast of the ship, that we may all drink thereof, like bretons. hereunto pantagruel very willingly consented, and they drank so neat that there was not so much as one poor drop left of two hundred and seven and thirty puncheons, except one boracho or leathern bottle of tours which panurge filled for himself, for he called that his vademecum, and some scurvy lees of wine in the bottom, which served him instead of vinegar. after they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, panurge gave pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins, the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of cantharides, which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, and other kinds of diuretic or piss-procuring simples. this done, pantagruel said to carpalin, go into the city, scrambling like a cat against the wall, as you can well do, and tell them that now presently they come out and charge their enemies as rudely as they can, and having said so, come down, taking a lighted torch with you, wherewith you shall set on fire all the tents and pavilions in the camp; then cry as loud as you are able with your great voice, and then come away from thence. yea but, said carpalin, were it not good to cloy all their ordnance? no, no, said pantagruel, only blow up all their powder. carpalin, obeying him, departed suddenly and did as he was appointed by pantagruel, and all the combatants came forth that were in the city, and when he had set fire in the tents and pavilions, he passed so lightly through them, and so highly and profoundly did they snort and sleep, that they never perceived him. he came to the place where their artillery was, and set their munition on fire. but here was the danger. the fire was so sudden that poor carpalin had almost been burnt. and had it not been for his wonderful agility he had been fried like a roasting pig. but he departed away so speedily that a bolt or arrow out of a crossbow could not have had a swifter motion. when he was clear of their trenches, he shouted aloud, and cried out so dreadfully, and with such amazement to the hearers, that it seemed all the devils of hell had been let loose. at which noise the enemies awaked, but can you tell how? even no less astonished than are monks at the ringing of the first peal to matins, which in lusonnois is called rub-ballock. in the meantime pantagruel began to sow the salt that he had in his bark, and because they slept with an open gaping mouth, he filled all their throats with it, so that those poor wretches were by it made to cough like foxes. ha, pantagruel, how thou addest greater heat to the firebrand that is in us! suddenly pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs which panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if his father's great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of deucalion; for she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the rhone or the danube. which those that were come out of the city seeing, said, they are all cruelly slain; see how the blood runs along. but they were deceived in thinking pantagruel's urine had been the blood of their enemies, for they could not see but by the light of the fire of the pavilions and some small light of the moon. the enemies, after that they were awaked, seeing on one side the fire in the camp, and on the other the inundation of the urinal deluge, could not tell what to say nor what to think. some said that it was the end of the world and the final judgment, which ought to be by fire. others again thought that the sea-gods, neptune, proteus, triton, and the rest of them, did persecute them, for that indeed they found it to be like sea-water and salt. o who were able now condignly to relate how pantagruel did demean himself against the three hundred giants! o my muse, my calliope, my thalia, inspire me at this time, restore unto me my spirits; for this is the logical bridge of asses! here is the pitfall, here is the difficulty, to have ability enough to express the horrible battle that was fought. ah, would to god that i had now a bottle of the best wine that ever those drank who shall read this so veridical history! chapter 2.xxix. how pantagruel discomfited the three hundred giants armed with free-stone, and loupgarou their captain. the giants, seeing all their camp drowned, carried away their king anarchus upon their backs as well as they could out of the fort, as aeneas did to his father anchises, in the time of the conflagration of troy. when panurge perceived them, he said to pantagruel, sir, yonder are the giants coming forth against you; lay on them with your mast gallantly, like an old fencer; for now is the time that you must show yourself a brave man and an honest. and for our part we will not fail you. i myself will kill to you a good many boldly enough; for why, david killed goliath very easily; and then this great lecher, eusthenes, who is stronger than four oxen, will not spare himself. be of good courage, therefore, and valiant; charge amongst them with point and edge, and by all manner of means. well, said pantagruel, of courage i have more than for fifty francs, but let us be wise, for hercules first never undertook against two. that is well cacked, well scummered, said panurge; do you compare yourself with hercules? you have, by g--, more strength in your teeth, and more scent in your bum, than ever hercules had in all his body and soul. so much is a man worth as he esteems himself. whilst they spake those words, behold! loupgarou was come with all his giants, who, seeing pantagruel in a manner alone, was carried away with temerity and presumption, for hopes that he had to kill the good man. whereupon he said to his companions the giants, you wenchers of the low country, by mahoom! if any of you undertake to fight against these men here, i will put you cruelly to death. it is my will that you let me fight single. in the meantime you shall have good sport to look upon us. then all the other giants retired with their king to the place where the flagons stood, and panurge and his comrades with them, who counterfeited those that have had the pox, for he wreathed about his mouth, shrunk up his fingers, and with a harsh and hoarse voice said unto them, i forsake -od, fellow-soldiers, if i would have it to be believed that we make any war at all. give us somewhat to eat with you whilest our masters fight against one another. to this the king and giants jointly condescended, and accordingly made them to banquet with them. in the meantime panurge told them the follies of turpin, the examples of st. nicholas, and the tale of a tub. loupgarou then set forward towards pantagruel, with a mace all of steel, and that of the best sort, weighing nine thousand seven hundred quintals and two quarterons, at the end whereof were thirteen pointed diamonds, the least whereof was as big as the greatest bell of our lady's church at paris--there might want perhaps the thickness of a nail, or at most, that i may not lie, of the back of those knives which they call cutlugs or earcutters, but for a little off or on, more or less, it is no matter--and it was enchanted in such sort that it could never break, but, contrarily, all that it did touch did break immediately. thus, then, as he approached with great fierceness and pride of heart, pantagruel, casting up his eyes to heaven, recommended himself to god with all his soul, making such a vow as followeth. o thou lord god, who hast always been my protector and my saviour! thou seest the distress wherein i am at this time. nothing brings me hither but a natural zeal, which thou hast permitted unto mortals, to keep and defend themselves, their wives and children, country and family, in case thy own proper cause were not in question, which is the faith; for in such a business thou wilt have no coadjutors, only a catholic confession and service of thy word, and hast forbidden us all arming and defence. for thou art the almighty, who in thine own cause, and where thine own business is taken to heart, canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive, thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of millions of legions of angels, the least of which is able to kill all mortal men, and turn about the heavens and earth at his pleasure, as heretofore it very plainly appeared in the army of sennacherib. if it may please thee, therefore, at this time to assist me, as my whole trust and confidence is in thee alone, i vow unto thee, that in all countries whatsoever wherein i shall have any power or authority, whether in this of utopia or elsewhere, i will cause thy holy gospel to be purely, simply, and entirely preached, so that the abuses of a rabble of hypocrites and false prophets, who by human constitutions and depraved inventions have empoisoned all the world, shall be quite exterminated from about me. this vow was no sooner made, but there was heard a voice from heaven saying, hoc fac et vinces; that is to say, do this, and thou shalt overcome. then pantagruel, seeing that loupgarou with his mouth wide open was drawing near to him, went against him boldly, and cried out as loud as he was able, thou diest, villain, thou diest! purposing by his horrible cry to make him afraid, according to the discipline of the lacedaemonians. withal, he immediately cast at him out of his bark, which he wore at his girdle, eighteen cags and four bushels of salt, wherewith he filled both his mouth, throat, nose, and eyes. at this loupgarou was so highly incensed that, most fiercely setting upon him, he thought even then with a blow of his mace to have beat out his brains. but pantagruel was very nimble, and had always a quick foot and a quick eye, and therefore with his left foot did he step back one pace, yet not so nimbly but that the blow, falling upon the bark, broke it in four thousand four score and six pieces, and threw all the rest of the salt about the ground. pantagruel, seeing that, most gallantly displayed the vigour of his arms, and, according to the art of the axe, gave him with the great end of his mast a homethrust a little above the breast; then, bringing along the blow to the left side, with a slash struck him between the neck and shoulders. after that, advancing his right foot, he gave him a push upon the couillons with the upper end of his said mast, wherewith breaking the scuttle on the top thereof, he spilt three or four puncheons of wine that were left therein. upon that loupgarou thought that he had pierced his bladder, and that the wine that came forth had been his urine. pantagruel, being not content with this, would have doubled it by a side-blow; but loupgarou, lifting up his mace, advanced one step upon him, and with all his force would have dashed it upon pantagruel, wherein, to speak the truth, he so sprightfully carried himself, that, if god had not succoured the good pantagruel, he had been cloven from the top of his head to the bottom of his milt. but the blow glanced to the right side by the brisk nimbleness of pantagruel, and his mace sank into the ground above threescore and thirteen foot, through a huge rock, out of which the fire did issue greater than nine thousand and six tons. pantagruel, seeing him busy about plucking out his mace, which stuck in the ground between the rocks, ran upon him, and would have clean cut off his head, if by mischance his mast had not touched a little against the stock of loupgarou's mace, which was enchanted, as we have said before. by this means his mast broke off about three handfuls above his hand, whereat he stood amazed like a bell-founder, and cried out, ah, panurge, where art thou? panurge, seeing that, said to the king and the giants, by g--, they will hurt one another if they be not parted. but the giants were as merry as if they had been at a wedding. then carpalin would have risen from thence to help his master; but one of the giants said unto him, by golfarin, the nephew of mahoom, if thou stir hence i will put thee in the bottom of my breeches instead of a suppository, which cannot choose but do me good. for in my belly i am very costive, and cannot well cagar without gnashing my teeth and making many filthy faces. then pantagruel, thus destitute of a staff, took up the end of his mast, striking athwart and alongst upon the giant, but he did him no more hurt than you would do with a fillip upon a smith's anvil. in the (mean) time loupgarou was drawing his mace out of the ground, and, having already plucked it out, was ready therewith to have struck pantagruel, who, being very quick in turning, avoided all his blows in taking only the defensive part in hand, until on a sudden he saw that loupgarou did threaten him with these words, saying, now, villain, will not i fail to chop thee as small as minced meat, and keep thee henceforth from ever making any more poor men athirst! for then, without any more ado, pantagruel struck him such a blow with his foot against the belly that he made him fall backwards, his heels over his head, and dragged him thus along at flay-buttock above a flight-shot. then loupgarou cried out, bleeding at the throat, mahoom, mahoom, mahoom! at which noise all the giants arose to succour him. but panurge said unto them, gentlemen, do not go, if will believe me, for our master is mad, and strikes athwart and alongst, he cares not where; he will do you a mischief. but the giants made no account of it, seeing that pantagruel had never a staff. and when pantagruel saw those giants approach very near unto him, he took loupgarou by the two feet, and lift up his body like a pike in the air, wherewith, it being harnessed with anvils, he laid such heavy load amongst those giants armed with free-stone, that, striking them down as a mason doth little knobs of stones, there was not one of them that stood before him whom he threw not flat to the ground. and by the breaking of this stony armour there was made such a horrible rumble as put me in mind of the fall of the butter-tower of st. stephen's at bourges when it melted before the sun. panurge, with carpalin and eusthenes, did cut in the mean time the throats of those that were struck down, in such sort that there escaped not one. pantagruel to any man's sight was like a mower, who with his scythe, which was loupgarou, cut down the meadow grass, to wit, the giants; but with this fencing of pantagruel's loupgarou lost his head, which happened when pantagruel struck down one whose name was riflandouille, or pudding-plunderer, who was armed cap-a-pie with grison stones, one chip whereof splintering abroad cut off epistemon's neck clean and fair. for otherwise the most part of them were but lightly armed with a kind of sandy brittle stone, and the rest with slates. at last, when he saw that they were all dead, he threw the body of loupgarou as hard as he could against the city, where falling like a frog upon his belly in the great piazza thereof, he with the said fall killed a singed he-cat, a wet she-cat, a farting duck, and a bridled goose. chapter 2.xxx. how epistemon, who had his head cut off, was finely healed by panurge, and of the news which he brought from the devils, and of the damned people in hell. this gigantal victory being ended, pantagruel withdrew himself to the place of the flagons, and called for panurge and the rest, who came unto him safe and sound, except eusthenes, whom one of the giants had scratched a little in the face whilst he was about the cutting of his throat, and epistemon, who appeared not at all. whereat pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would have killed himself. but panurge said unto him, nay, sir, stay a while, and we will search for him amongst the dead, and find out the truth of all. thus as they went seeking after him, they found him stark dead, with his head between his arms all bloody. then eusthenes cried out, ah, cruel death! hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst men? at which words pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever any man did see, and said to panurge, ha, my friend! the prophecy of your two glasses and the javelin staff was a great deal too deceitful. but panurge answered, my dear bullies all, weep not one drop more, for, he being yet all hot, i will make him as sound as ever he was. in saying this, he took the head and held it warm foregainst his codpiece, that the wind might not enter into it. eusthenes and carpalin carried the body to the place where they had banqueted, not out of any hope that ever he would recover, but that pantagruel might see it. nevertheless panurge gave him very good comfort, saying, if i do not heal him, i will be content to lose my head, which is a fool's wager. leave off, therefore, crying, and help me. then cleansed he his neck very well with pure white wine, and, after that, took his head, and into it synapised some powder of diamerdis, which he always carried about him in one of his bags. afterwards he anointed it with i know not what ointment, and set it on very just, vein against vein, sinew against sinew, and spondyle against spondyle, that he might not be wry-necked--for such people he mortally hated. this done, he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen stitches with a needle that it might not fall off again; then, on all sides and everywhere, he put a little ointment on it, which he called resuscitative. suddenly epistemon began to breathe, then opened his eyes, yawned, sneezed, and afterwards let a great household fart. whereupon panurge said, now, certainly, he is healed,--and therefore gave him to drink a large full glass of strong white wine, with a sugared toast. in this fashion was epistemon finely healed, only that he was somewhat hoarse for above three weeks together, and had a dry cough of which he could not be rid but by the force of continual drinking. and now he began to speak, and said that he had seen the devil, had spoken with lucifer familiarly, and had been very merry in hell and in the elysian fields, affirming very seriously before them all that the devils were boon companions and merry fellows. but, in respect of the damned, he said he was very sorry that panurge had so soon called him back into this world again; for, said he, i took wonderful delight to see them. how so? said pantagruel. because they do not use them there, said epistemon, so badly as you think they do. their estate and condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner; for i saw alexander the great there amending and patching on clouts upon old breeches and stockings, whereby he got but a very poor living. xerxes was a crier of mustard. romulus, a salter and patcher of pattens. numa, a nailsmith. tarquin, a porter. piso, a clownish swain. sylla, a ferryman. cyrus, a cowherd. themistocles, a glass-maker. epaminondas, a maker of mirrors or looking-glasses. brutus and cassius, surveyors or measurers of land. demosthenes, a vine-dresser. cicero, a fire-kindler. fabius, a threader of beads. artaxerxes, a rope-maker. aeneas, a miller. achilles was a scaldpated maker of hay-bundles. agamemnon, a lick-box. ulysses, a hay-mower. nestor, a door-keeper or forester. darius, a gold-finder or jakes-farmer. ancus martius, a ship-trimmer. camillus, a foot-post. marcellus, a sheller of beans. drusus, a taker of money at the doors of playhouses. scipio africanus, a crier of lee in a wooden slipper. asdrubal, a lantern-maker. hannibal, a kettlemaker and seller of eggshells. priamus, a seller of old clouts. lancelot of the lake was a flayer of dead horses. all the knights of the round table were poor day-labourers, employed to row over the rivers of cocytus, phlegeton, styx, acheron, and lethe, when my lords the devils had a mind to recreate themselves upon the water, as in the like occasion are hired the boatmen at lyons, the gondoliers of venice, and oars at london. but with this difference, that these poor knights have only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose, and in the evening a morsel of coarse mouldy bread. trajan was a fisher of frogs. antoninus, a lackey. commodus, a jet-maker. pertinax, a peeler of walnuts. lucullus, a maker of rattles and hawks'-bells. justinian, a pedlar. hector, a snap-sauce scullion. paris was a poor beggar. cambyses, a mule-driver. nero, a base blind fiddler, or player on that instrument which is called a windbroach. fierabras was his serving-man, who did him a thousand mischievous tricks, and would make him eat of the brown bread and drink of the turned wine when himself did both eat and drink of the best. julius caesar and pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships. valentine and orson did serve in the stoves of hell, and were sweat-rubbers in hot houses. giglan and govian (gauvin) were poor swineherds. geoffrey with the great tooth was a tinder-maker and seller of matches. godfrey de bouillon, a hood-maker. jason was a bracelet-maker. don pietro de castille, a carrier of indulgences. morgan, a beer-brewer. huon of bordeaux, a hooper of barrels. pyrrhus, a kitchen-scullion. antiochus, a chimney-sweeper. octavian, a scraper of parchment. nerva, a mariner. pope julius was a crier of pudding-pies, but he left off wearing there his great buggerly beard. john of paris was a greaser of boots. arthur of britain, an ungreaser of caps. perce-forest, a carrier of faggots. pope boniface the eighth, a scummer of pots. pope nicholas the third, a maker of paper. pope alexander, a ratcatcher. pope sixtus, an anointer of those that have the pox. what, said pantagruel, have they the pox there too? surely, said epistemon, i never saw so many: there are there, i think, above a hundred millions; for believe, that those who have not had the pox in this world must have it in the other. cotsbody, said panurge, then i am free; for i have been as far as the hole of gibraltar, reached unto the outmost bounds of hercules, and gathered of the ripest. ogier the dane was a furbisher of armour. the king tigranes, a mender of thatched houses. galien restored, a taker of moldwarps. the four sons of aymon were all toothdrawers. pope calixtus was a barber of a woman's sine qua non. pope urban, a bacon-picker. melusina was a kitchen drudge-wench. matabrune, a laundress. cleopatra, a crier of onions. helen, a broker for chambermaids. semiramis, the beggars' lice-killer. dido did sell mushrooms. penthesilea sold cresses. lucretia was an alehouse-keeper. hortensia, a spinstress. livia, a grater of verdigris. after this manner, those that had been great lords and ladies here, got but a poor scurvy wretched living there below. and, on the contrary, the philosophers and others, who in this world had been altogether indigent and wanting, were great lords there in their turn. i saw diogenes there strut it out most pompously, and in great magnificence, with a rich purple gown on him, and a golden sceptre in his right hand. and, which is more, he would now and then make alexander the great mad, so enormously would he abuse him when he had not well patched his breeches; for he used to pay his skin with sound bastinadoes. i saw epictetus there, most gallantly apparelled after the french fashion, sitting under a pleasant arbour, with store of handsome gentlewomen, frolicking, drinking, dancing, and making good cheer, with abundance of crowns of the sun. above the lattice were written these verses for his device: to leap and dance, to sport and play, and drink good wine both white and brown, or nothing else do all the day but tell bags full of many a crown. when he saw me, he invited me to drink with him very courteously, and i being willing to be entreated, we tippled and chopined together most theologically. in the meantime came cyrus to beg one farthing of him for the honour of mercury, therewith to buy a few onions for his supper. no, no, said epictetus, i do not use in my almsgiving to bestow farthings. hold, thou varlet, there's a crown for thee; be an honest man. cyrus was exceeding glad to have met with such a booty; but the other poor rogues, the kings that are there below, as alexander, darius, and others, stole it away from him by night. i saw pathelin, the treasurer of rhadamanthus, who, in cheapening the pudding-pies that pope julius cried, asked him how much a dozen. three blanks, said the pope. nay, said pathelin, three blows with a cudgel. lay them down here, you rascal, and go fetch more. the poor pope went away weeping, who, when he came to his master, the pie-maker, told him that they had taken away his pudding-pies. whereupon his master gave him such a sound lash with an eel-skin, that his own would have been worth nothing to make bag-pipe-bags of. i saw master john le maire there personate the pope in such fashion that he made all the poor kings and popes of this world kiss his feet, and, taking great state upon him, gave them his benediction, saying, get the pardons, rogues, get the pardons; they are good cheap. i absolve you of bread and pottage, and dispense with you to be never good for anything. then, calling caillet and triboulet to him, he spoke these words, my lords the cardinals, despatch their bulls, to wit, to each of them a blow with a cudgel upon the reins. which accordingly was forthwith performed. i heard master francis villon ask xerxes, how much the mess of mustard? a farthing, said xerxes. to which the said villon answered, the pox take thee for a villain! as much of square-eared wheat is not worth half that price, and now thou offerest to enhance the price of victuals. with this he pissed in his pot, as the mustard-makers of paris used to do. i saw the trained bowman of the bathing tub, known by the name of the francarcher de baignolet, who, being one of the trustees of the inquisition, when he saw perce-forest making water against a wall in which was painted the fire of st. anthony, declared him heretic, and would have caused him to be burnt alive had it not been for morgant, who, for his proficiat and other small fees, gave him nine tuns of beer. well, said pantagruel, reserve all these fair stories for another time, only tell us how the usurers are there handled. i saw them, said epistemon, all very busily employed in seeking of rusty pins and old nails in the kennels of the streets, as you see poor wretched rogues do in this world. but the quintal, or hundredweight, of this old ironware is there valued but at the price of a cantle of bread, and yet they have but a very bad despatch and riddance in the sale of it. thus the poor misers are sometimes three whole weeks without eating one morsel or crumb of bread, and yet work both day and night, looking for the fair to come. nevertheless, of all this labour, toil, and misery, they reckon nothing, so cursedly active they are in the prosecution of that their base calling, in hopes, at the end of the year, to earn some scurvy penny by it. come, said pantagruel, let us now make ourselves merry one bout, and drink, my lads, i beseech you, for it is very good drinking all this month. then did they uncase their flagons by heaps and dozens, and with their leaguer-provision made excellent good cheer. but the poor king anarchus could not all this while settle himself towards any fit of mirth; whereupon panurge said, of what trade shall we make my lord the king here, that he may be skilful in the art when he goes thither to sojourn amongst all the devils of hell? indeed, said pantagruel, that was well advised of thee. do with him what thou wilt, i give him to thee. gramercy, said panurge, the present is not to be refused, and i love it from you. chapter 2.xxxi. how pantagruel entered into the city of the amaurots, and how panurge married king anarchus to an old lantern-carrying hag, and made him a crier of green sauce. after this wonderful victory, pantagruel sent carpalin unto the city of the amaurots to declare and signify unto them how the king anarchus was taken prisoner and all the enemies of the city overthrown. which news when they heard all the inhabitants of the city came forth to meet him in good order, and with a great triumphant pomp, conducting him with a heavenly joy into the city, where innumerable bonfires were set on through all the parts thereof, and fair round tables, which were furnished with store of good victuals, set out in the middle of the streets. this was a renewing of the golden age in the time of saturn, so good was the cheer which then they made. but pantagruel, having assembled the whole senate and common councilmen of the town, said, my masters, we must now strike the iron whilst it is hot. it is therefore my will that, before we frolic it any longer, we advise how to assault and take the whole kingdom of the dipsodes. to which effect let those that will go with me provide themselves against to-morrow after drinking, for then will i begin to march. not that i need any more men than i have to help me to conquer it, for i could make it as sure that way as if i had it already; but i see this city is so full of inhabitants that they scarce can turn in the streets. i will, therefore, carry them as a colony into dipsody, and will give them all that country, which is fair, wealthy, fruitful, and pleasant, above all other countries in the world, as many of you can tell who have been there heretofore. everyone of you, therefore, that will go along, let him provide himself as i have said. this counsel and resolution being published in the city, the next morning there assembled in the piazza before the palace to the number of eighteen hundred fifty-six thousand and eleven, besides women and little children. thus began they to march straight into dipsody, in such good order as did the people of israel when they departed out of egypt to pass over the red sea. but before we proceed any further in this purpose, i will tell you how panurge handled his prisoner the king anarchus; for, having remembered that which epistemon had related, how the kings and rich men in this world were used in the elysian fields, and how they got their living there by base and ignoble trades, he, therefore, one day apparelled his king in a pretty little canvas doublet, all jagged and pinked like the tippet of a light horseman's cap, together with a pair of large mariner's breeches, and stockings without shoes,--for, said he, they would but spoil his sight, --and a little peach-coloured bonnet with a great capon's feather in it--i lie, for i think he had two--and a very handsome girdle of a sky-colour and green (in french called pers et vert), saying that such a livery did become him well, for that he had always been perverse, and in this plight bringing him before pantagruel, said unto him, do you know this roister? no, indeed, said pantagruel. it is, said panurge, my lord the king of the three batches, or threadbare sovereign. i intend to make him an honest man. these devilish kings which we have here are but as so many calves; they know nothing and are good for nothing but to do a thousand mischiefs to their poor subjects, and to trouble all the world with war for their unjust and detestable pleasure. i will put him to a trade, and make him a crier of green sauce. go to, begin and cry, do you lack any green sauce? and the poor devil cried. that is too low, said panurge; then took him by the ear, saying, sing higher in ge, sol, re, ut. so, so poor devil, thou hast a good throat; thou wert never so happy as to be no longer king. and pantagruel made himself merry with all this; for i dare boldly say that he was the best little gaffer that was to be seen between this and the end of a staff. thus was anarchus made a good crier of green sauce. two days thereafter panurge married him with an old lantern-carrying hag, and he himself made the wedding with fine sheep's heads, brave haslets with mustard, gallant salligots with garlic, of which he sent five horseloads unto pantagruel, which he ate up all, he found them so appetizing. and for their drink they had a kind of small well-watered wine, and some sorbapple-cider. and, to make them dance, he hired a blind man that made music to them with a wind-broach. after dinner he led them to the palace and showed them to pantagruel, and said, pointing to the married woman, you need not fear that she will crack. why? said pantagruel. because, said panurge, she is well slit and broke up already. what do you mean by that? said pantagruel. do not you see, said panurge, that the chestnuts which are roasted in the fire, if they be whole they crack as if they were mad, and, to keep them from cracking, they make an incision in them and slit them? so this new bride is in her lower parts well slit before, and therefore will not crack behind. pantagruel gave them a little lodge near the lower street and a mortar of stone wherein to bray and pound their sauce, and in this manner did they do their little business, he being as pretty a crier of green sauce as ever was seen in the country of utopia. but i have been told since that his wife doth beat him like plaister, and the poor sot dare not defend himself, he is so simple. chapter 2.xxxii. how pantagruel with his tongue covered a whole army, and what the author saw in his mouth. thus, as pantagruel with all his army had entered into the country of the dipsodes, everyone was glad of it, and incontinently rendered themselves unto him, bringing him out of their own good wills the keys of all the cities where he went, the almirods only excepted, who, being resolved to hold out against him, made answer to his heralds that they would not yield but upon very honourable and good conditions. what! said pantagruel, do they ask any better terms than the hand at the pot and the glass in their fist? come, let us go sack them, and put them all to the sword. then did they put themselves in good order, as being fully determined to give an assault, but by the way, passing through a large field, they were overtaken with a great shower of rain, whereat they began to shiver and tremble, to crowd, press, and thrust close to one another. when pantagruel saw that, he made their captains tell them that it was nothing, and that he saw well above the clouds that it would be nothing but a little dew; but, howsoever, that they should put themselves in order, and he would cover them. then did they put themselves in a close order, and stood as near to (each) other as they could, and pantagruel drew out his tongue only half-way and covered them all, as a hen doth her chickens. in the meantime, i, who relate to you these so veritable stories, hid myself under a burdock-leaf, which was not much less in largeness than the arch of the bridge of montrible, but when i saw them thus covered, i went towards them to shelter myself likewise; which i could not do, for that they were so, as the saying is, at the yard's end there is no cloth left. then, as well as i could, i got upon it, and went along full two leagues upon his tongue, and so long marched that at last i came into his mouth. but, o gods and goddesses! what did i see there? jupiter confound me with his trisulc lightning if i lie! i walked there as they do in sophia (at) constantinople, and saw there great rocks, like the mountains in denmark--i believe that those were his teeth. i saw also fair meadows, large forests, great and strong cities not a jot less than lyons or poictiers. the first man i met with there was a good honest fellow planting coleworts, whereat being very much amazed, i asked him, my friend, what dost thou make here? i plant coleworts, said he. but how, and wherewith? said i. ha, sir, said he, everyone cannot have his ballocks as heavy as a mortar, neither can we be all rich. thus do i get my poor living, and carry them to the market to sell in the city which is here behind. jesus! said i, is there here a new world? sure, said he, it is never a jot new, but it is commonly reported that, without this, there is an earth, whereof the inhabitants enjoy the light of a sun and a moon, and that it is full of and replenished with very good commodities; but yet this is more ancient than that. yea but, said i, my friend, what is the name of that city whither thou carriest thy coleworts to sell? it is called aspharage, said he, and all the indwellers are christians, very honest men, and will make you good cheer. to be brief, i resolved to go thither. now, in my way, i met with a fellow that was lying in wait to catch pigeons, of whom i asked, my friend, from whence come these pigeons? sir, said he, they come from the other world. then i thought that, when pantagruel yawned, the pigeons went into his mouth in whole flocks, thinking that it had been a pigeon-house. then i went into the city, which i found fair, very strong, and seated in a good air; but at my entry the guard demanded of me my pass or ticket. whereat i was much astonished, and asked them, my masters, is there any danger of the plague here? o lord! said they, they die hard by here so fast that the cart runs about the streets. good god! said i, and where? whereunto they answered that it was in larynx and pharynx, which are two great cities such as rouen and nantes, rich and of great trading. and the cause of the plague was by a stinking and infectious exhalation which lately vapoured out of the abysms, whereof there have died above two and twenty hundred and threescore thousand and sixteen persons within this sevennight. then i considered, calculated, and found that it was a rank and unsavoury breathing which came out of pantagruel's stomach when he did eat so much garlic, as we have aforesaid. parting from thence, i passed amongst the rocks, which were his teeth, and never left walking till i got up on one of them; and there i found the pleasantest places in the world, great large tennis-courts, fair galleries, sweet meadows, store of vines, and an infinite number of banqueting summer outhouses in the fields, after the italian fashion, full of pleasure and delight, where i stayed full four months, and never made better cheer in my life as then. after that i went down by the hinder teeth to come to the chaps. but in the way i was robbed by thieves in a great forest that is in the territory towards the ears. then, after a little further travelling, i fell upon a pretty petty village--truly i have forgot the name of it--where i was yet merrier than ever, and got some certain money to live by. can you tell how? by sleeping. for there they hire men by the day to sleep, and they get by it sixpence a day, but they that can snort hard get at least ninepence. how i had been robbed in the valley i informed the senators, who told me that, in very truth, the people of that side were bad livers and naturally thievish, whereby i perceived well that, as we have with us the countries cisalpine and transalpine, that is, behither and beyond the mountains, so have they there the countries cidentine and tradentine, that is, behither and beyond the teeth. but it is far better living on this side, and the air is purer. then i began to think that it is very true which is commonly said, that the one half of the world knoweth not how the other half liveth; seeing none before myself had ever written of that country, wherein are above five-and-twenty kingdoms inhabited, besides deserts, and a great arm of the sea. concerning which purpose i have composed a great book, entitled, the history of the throttias, because they dwell in the throat of my master pantagruel. at last i was willing to return, and, passing by his beard, i cast myself upon his shoulders, and from thence slid down to the ground, and fell before him. as soon as i was perceived by him, he asked me, whence comest thou, alcofribas? i answered him, out of your mouth, my lord. and how long hast thou been there? said he. since the time, said i, that you went against the almirods. that is about six months ago, said he. and wherewith didst thou live? what didst thou drink? i answered, my lord, of the same that you did, and of the daintiest morsels that passed through your throat i took toll. yea but, said he, where didst thou shite? in your throat, my lord, said i. ha, ha! thou art a merry fellow, said he. we have with the help of god conquered all the land of the dipsodes; i will give thee the chastelleine, or lairdship of salmigondin. gramercy, my lord, said i, you gratify me beyond all that i have deserved of you. chapter 2.xxxiii. how pantagruel became sick, and the manner how he was recovered. a while after this the good pantagruel fell sick, and had such an obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and, because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which tormented him more than you would believe. his physicians nevertheless helped him very well, and with store of lenitives and diuretic drugs made him piss away his pain. his urine was so hot that since that time it is not yet cold, and you have of it in divers places of france, according to the course that it took, and they are called the hot baths, as- at coderets. at limous. at dast. at ballervie (balleruc). at neric. at bourbonansie, and elsewhere in italy. at mongros. at appone. at sancto petro de padua. at st. helen. at casa nuova. at st. bartholomew, in the county of boulogne. at the porrette, and a thousand other places. and i wonder much at a rabble of foolish philosophers and physicians, who spend their time in disputing whence the heat of the said waters cometh, whether it be by reason of borax, or sulphur, or alum, or saltpetre, that is within the mine. for they do nothing but dote, and better were it for them to rub their arse against a thistle than to waste away their time thus in disputing of that whereof they know not the original; for the resolution is easy, neither need we to inquire any further than that the said baths came by a hot piss of the good pantagruel. now to tell you after what manner he was cured of his principal disease. i let pass how for a minorative or gentle potion he took four hundred pound weight of colophoniac scammony, six score and eighteen cartloads of cassia, an eleven thousand and nine hundred pound weight of rhubarb, besides other confuse jumblings of sundry drugs. you must understand that by the advice of the physicians it was ordained that what did offend his stomach should be taken away; and therefore they made seventeen great balls of copper, each whereof was bigger than that which is to be seen on the top of st. peter's needle at rome, and in such sort that they did open in the midst and shut with a spring. into one of them entered one of his men carrying a lantern and a torch lighted, and so pantagruel swallowed him down like a little pill. into seven others went seven country-fellows, having every one of them a shovel on his neck. into nine others entered nine wood-carriers, having each of them a basket hung at his neck, and so were they swallowed down like pills. when they were in his stomach, every one undid his spring, and came out of their cabins. the first whereof was he that carried the lantern, and so they fell more than half a league into a most horrible gulf, more stinking and infectious than ever was mephitis, or the marshes of the camerina, or the abominably unsavoury lake of sorbona, whereof strabo maketh mention. and had it not been that they had very well antidoted their stomach, heart, and wine-pot, which is called the noddle, they had been altogether suffocated and choked with these detestable vapours. o what a perfume! o what an evaporation wherewith to bewray the masks or mufflers of young mangy queans. after that, with groping and smelling they came near to the faecal matter and the corrupted humours. finally, they found a montjoy or heap of ordure and filth. then fell the pioneers to work to dig it up, and the rest with their shovels filled the baskets; and when all was cleansed every one retired himself into his ball. this done, pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily brought them out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a fart in yours. but, when they came merrily out of their pills, i thought upon the grecians coming out of the trojan horse. by this means was he healed and brought unto his former state and convalescence; and of these brazen pills, or rather copper balls, you have one at orleans, upon the steeple of the holy cross church. chapter 2.xxxiv. the conclusion of this present book, and the excuse of the author. now, my masters, you have heard a beginning of the horrific history of my lord and master pantagruel. here will i make an end of the first book. my head aches a little, and i perceive that the registers of my brain are somewhat jumbled and disordered with this septembral juice. you shall have the rest of the history at frankfort mart next coming, and there shall you see how panurge was married and made a cuckold within a month after his wedding; how pantagruel found out the philosopher's stone, the manner how he found it, and the way how to use it; how he passed over the caspian mountains, and how he sailed through the atlantic sea, defeated the cannibals, and conquered the isles of pearls; how he married the daughter of the king of india, called presthan; how he fought against the devil and burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, threw proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth to lucifer, and the horn that was in his arse; how he visited the regions of the moon to know whether indeed the moon were not entire and whole, or if the women had three quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little merriments all veritable. these are brave things truly. good night, gentlemen. perdonate mi, and think not so much upon my faults that you forget your own. if you say to me, master, it would seem that you were not very wise in writing to us these flimflam stories and pleasant fooleries; i answer you, that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them. nevertheless, if you read them to make yourselves merry, as in manner of pastime i wrote them, you and i both are far more worthy of pardon than a great rabble of squint-minded fellows, dissembling and counterfeit saints, demure lookers, hypocrites, pretended zealots, tough friars, buskin-monks, and other such sects of men, who disguise themselves like masquers to deceive the world. for, whilst they give the common people to understand that they are busied about nothing but contemplation and devotion in fastings and maceration of their sensuality--and that only to sustain and aliment the small frailty of their humanity--it is so far otherwise that, on the contrary, god knows what cheer they make; et curios simulant, sed bacchanalia vivunt. you may read it in great letters in the colouring of their red snouts, and gulching bellies as big as a tun, unless it be when they perfume themselves with sulphur. as for their study, it is wholly taken up in reading of pantagruelian books, not so much to pass the time merrily as to hurt someone or other mischievously, to wit, in articling, sole-articling, wry-neckifying, buttock-stirring, ballocking, and diabliculating, that is, calumniating. wherein they are like unto the poor rogues of a village that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the ordure and filth of little children, in the season of cherries and guinds, and that only to find the kernels, that they may sell them to the druggists to make thereof pomander oil. fly from these men, abhor and hate them as much as i do, and upon my faith you will find yourselves the better for it. and if you desire to be good pantagruelists, that is to say, to live in peace, joy, health, making yourselves always merry, never trust those men that always peep out at one hole. end of book ii. three good giants whose famous deeds are recorded in the ancient chronicles of françois rabelais compiled from the french by john dimitry, a.m. illustrated by gustave doré and a. robida boston and new york houghton mifflin company the riverside press cambridge copyright, 1887 by ticknor and company _all rights reserved_ [illustration: gargantua on the tower of nôtre dâme.] an explanation by way of preface. [illustration: portrait of françois rabelais] i freely admit what all the world knows about françois rabelais. long before the day when fielding and smollett began to be read on the sly, and before the comic muse of congreve and wycherly began to be looked at askance, that english moral sentiment, over which macaulay was to philosophize more than a century later, had solidified in ignoring rabelais. nothing is to be said against the sentiment itself. this has always been fairly righteous, if just a bit undiscriminating. a great humorist, showing himself content to grovel in the dirt, is, beyond question, deserving of black looks and shut doors. but more than most old masters of a type, strong, albeit coarse, rabelais--from the distinctly marked physical attributes of his chief personages--may claim certain good points which, drawn out and grouped together, ought to fall within the circle of those tales which interest children. i have read rabelais twice in my life. each time, i have read him in that old french, which has no master quite so great as he; and each time in auguste desrez's edition, which, in its careful _table des matières_, learned glossary, quaint notes, gallicized latin and greek words, and a complete _rabelaisiana_, shows the devotion of the rare editor, who does not distort, because he understands, the master whom he edits. when i first peeped into his pages i was a lad, altogether too young to be tainted by profanity, while i skipped, true boy-fashion, whole pages to pick out the wondrous story of his giants. when i came back to him, after many years, i was both older and, i hope, wiser. being older, i had learned to gauge him better, both in his strength and in his weakness. i had come to see wherein an old prejudice was too just to be safely resisted; and, on the other hand, wherein it had got to be so deeply set that it had hardened to injustice. as i went on, it did not take me long to discover that it was quite possible for my purpose--following, indeed, the path unconsciously taken in my boyhood--to divide rabelais sharply into incident and philosophy. that this had not been thought of before surprised, but did not daunt me. i said to myself: i shall limit the incident strictly to his three giants; i shall hold these, from grandfather to grandson, well together; keep all that is sound in them; cut away the impurity which is not so much _of_ as _around_ them; chisel them out as a sculptor might, and leave his philosophy with face to the wall. this done, i turned the scouring hose, full and strong, upon the incidents themselves, clearing out both dialectics and profanity thoroughly. i did not stop until i had left the famous trio, grandgousier, gargantua, and pantagruel where i had, from the first, hoped to place them,--high and dry above the scum which had so long clogged their rare good-fellowship, and which had made men of judgment blind to the genuine worth that was in them. in this way i believed that i saw the chance to free rabelais' giants, so long kept in bonds, from a captivity which has dishonored them. to do this was clearly running against that good old law which has invariably made all giants--far back from fairy-time--thunder-voiced, great-toothed, rude-handed, hard-hearted, bloody-minded creatures and truculent captors, never, on any account, pitiful captives. but, to such, the rabelaisian giants are none of kin. no more are they of blood to that giant that jack slew, or that giant despair, in whose garden-court bunyan dreamt that he saw the white bones of slaughtered pilgrims. public sentiment has hitherto illogically retched at the name of rabelais, while it swallows without qualm "tristram shandy" and "gulliver's travels." shall it always retch? the time, i think, is practically taking the answer into its own hands. rabelais, through some cotemporaneous influence, rising subtly in his favor among men who are neither afraid nor ashamed to judge for themselves, is, in one sense, slowly becoming a naturalized citizen of our modern literary republic. literature and art are joining hands in his rehabilitation. mr. walter besant, a novelist, has been so good as to write his life; to say bright words about him; and to quote clean things from him. mrs. oliphant, a purist, has consented to admit him into her "foreign classics for english readers." three years ago m. emile hébert's bronze statue of him was unveiled at that chinon, his birthplace, which he lovingly calls "the most ancient city of the world." and, to crown all, as the latest expression of a tardy recognition, his bust by m. truphème was, only the other day, uncovered at that meudon of which he was, for a time, the famous, if not always orthodox, curé. rabelais himself never, it is clear, appreciated his giants save for the contrasted jollity which they lent to his satires. "_mieulx est de ris que de larmes escripre,_ _pour ce que rire est le propre de lhomme,_" was his maxim. but this maxim never rose to a creed. his giants seem, almost against his will, to stride beyond the territory of mere burlesque. they are as easily free from theology as from science. they have never been of la bâmette. they are as far from montpellier. to these colossal creations, heroes fashioned in ridicule of the old fantastico-chivalric deeds of their age, as they come down more and more from the clouds, are more and more given the feelings common to this earth's creatures. all three bear, from their birth, a sturdy human sympathy not natural to their kind, as mediæval superstition classed it. two of them, in being brought to the level of humanity, join with this a simple christian manliness and a childlike faith under all emergencies, not set on their own massive strength, but fixed on god, whom they had been taught to know, and honor, and serve--and all this by whom? forsooth, by the same françois rabelais, laugher, mocker, and "insensate reviler." from grandgousier, the good-hearted guzzler, through gargantua, with his heady youth and wise old age, to "the noble pantagruel," the gain in purity and christian manhood is steady. the royal race of chalbroth follows no track beaten down by other kingly lines known to history. while their line descends from father to son, it ascends in virtue. one charge--a legacy from the narrow times when run-mad commentators spied a plot in every folio--has followed, to this day, rabelais and his work. wise men have, to their own satisfaction, proved the latter to be an enigma filled with hidden meanings, dangerous to state and morals; with mad attacks directed, from every chapter, against ordered society; with satiric thrusts lurking, in every sentence, against pope, and king, and nobles; in brief, a malay-muck run with a pen, instead of a knife, against the moral foundations of the world. all these, if not true, are certainly "like, very like" the rabelais as he is painted by purists in the gallery of great authors. if true, they have wrought more subtly than all else in the forging of those heavy chains which have been bound, coil upon coil, around his hapless big men. it is not to be wondered at that even their mighty number of cubits should have been smothered under the fine, slow-settling dust of three centuries. happily, however, fair play has been, of old, the standing boast of all english-speaking men. françois rabelais--never once deigning to ask for it at home, when living--has, in penalty therefor, been ferociously denied it abroad, when dead. to that sentiment--moved, it may be, by a concurrent testimony given, in this age, to the memory of the author himself--i appeal now in behalf of his giants. that they have fared badly through all these centuries, mostly by reason of him, cannot be gainsaid. that of themselves, however, they have in no wise merited such ostracism, is what i have ventured to claim in this compilation. freed alike from that prejudice which has hunted them down, and from those formidable "... points of ignorance pertaining thereunto," which have, so far, blocked every avenue to modern sympathy, i would have them honored, among all stout lovers of fair play, as i leave them in this "explanation by way of preface." j. d. contents preface. list of illustrations. chapter i. how the first giants came into the world. chapter ii. gargantua is born. chapter iii. gargantua as a baby. chapter iv. the royal tailor's bill for gargantua's suit. chapter v. the year gargantua had wooden horses, and what use he made of them. chapter vi. how gargantua was taught latin. chapter vii. the new master found for gargantua. chapter viii. gargantua goes to paris, and the big mare that takes him there. chapter ix. the parisians laugh at gargantua. he takes his revenge by stealing the great bells of nôtre dâme. chapter x. ponocrates, the new teacher, desires gargantua to show him how he used to study with old master holofernes. chapter xi. the two hundred and fifteen games of cards gargantua knew how to play. what it was he said after he had gone through the list, and what it was ponocrates remarked. chapter xii. gargantua is dosed by ponocrates, and forgets all that holofernes had taught him. chapter xiii. how gargantua was made not to lose one hour of the day. chapter xiv. how the awful war between the bunmakers of lerne and gargantua's country was begun. chapter xv. how old king grandgousier received the news. chapter xvi. how grandgousier tried to buy peace with five cart-loads of buns. chapter xvii. how gargantua, with a big tree, broke down a castle, and passed the ford of vede. chapter xviii. how gargantua combed cannon-balls out of his hair, and how he ate six pilgrims in a salad before supper. chapter xix. how friar john comes to the feast, and how king grandgousier had recruited his army. chapter xx. gargantua's mare scores a victory. chapter xxi. showing what gargantua did after the battle, and how grandgousier welcomed him home. chapter xxii. grandgousier's death. gargantua's marriage. pantagruel is born. chapter xxiii. the strange things pantagruel did as a baby. chapter xxiv. after studying at several universities, pantagruel goes to paris. chapter xxv. pantagruel finds panurge, whom he loves all his life. chapter xxvi. pantagruel beats the sorbonne in argument, and panurge proves that an englishman's fingers are not so nimble as a frenchman's. chapter xxvii. what sort of man panurge was, and the many tricks he knew. chapter xxviii. showing why the leagues are so much shorter in france than in germany. chapter xxix. how the cunning of panurge, with the aid of eusthenes and carpalim, discomfited six hundred and sixty horsemen. chapter xxx. how carpalim went hunting for fresh meat, and how a trophy was set up. chapter xxxi. the strange way in which pantagruel obtained a victory over the thirsty people. chapter xxxii. the wonderful way in which pantagruel disposed of the giant loupgarou and his two hundred and ninety-nine giants. chapter xxxiii. how pantagruel finally conquers the thirsty people, and the strange business panurge finds for king anarchus. chapter xxxiv. gargantua comes back from fairy-land, after which pantagruel prepares for another trip. chapter xxxv. pantagruel starts on his travels, and lands at the island of pictures. chapter xxxvi. panurge bargains with dindeno for a ram, and throws his ram overboard. chapter xxxvii. the island of alliances. chapter xxxviii. how pantagruel came to the islands of tohu and bohu. the strange death of widenostrils, the swallower of windmills. chapter xxxix. a great storm, in which panurge plays the coward. chapter xl. the island of the macreons and its forest, in which the heroes who are tempted by demons die. chapter xli. pantagruel touches at the wonderful island of ruach, where giant widenostrils had found the cocks and hens which killed him. how the people lived by wind. chapter xlii. pantagruel, with his darts, kills a monster which cannon-balls could not hurt. the power of the sign of the cross. chapter xliii. which tells of several islands, and the wonderful people who dwell in them. list of illustrations full-page illustrations. gargantua on the tower of nôtre dâme. friar john attacks the bunmakers. gargantua destroys the castle. the defeat of picrochole. pantagruel enters paris. the disputation. the death of loupgarou. pantagruel in the graveyard. the isle of ganabim. the queen of lanterns. engravings in the text. portrait of françois rabelais. castle grandgousier. the giant chalbroth. the giant hurtali on the ark. initial k. king grandgousier keeps open house. the king and queen love tripes. initial w. the queen looked at her baby. an uncommon baby carriage. the servants got to be sad topers. initial w. making gargantua's suit. measuring gargantua for his suit. gargantua at play. gargantua's horse. gargantua's riding lessons. a noble lord came on a visit. "only three little steps." initial o. tubal holofernes. the friend who knew latin. flight of the tutor. initial w. eudemon. initial t. gargantua's mare. ponocrates. initial t. gargantua enters paris. the city was excited. initial g. gargantua gets up. gargantua breakfasts. gargantua goes to church. initial t. gargantua looks into the kitchen. initial w. ponocrates doses gargantua. gargantua at his lessons. initial e. gargantua learns to shoot. gargantua learns to climb. gargantua studies astronomy. initial w. the bunmakers of lerne. the anger of picrochole. captain swillwind's cavalry. spoiling the monks. friar john to the rescue. initial w. picrochole's army. grandgousier writes to gargantua. initial k. grandgousier's embassy. initial g. gargantua hurries home. gymnaste warms himself. the castle of roche-clermaud. cannonading gargantua. initial g. gargantua combs his hair. and such a supper! the pilgrims in the garden. initial i. friar john arrives. the advance-guard starts. grandgousier's army. initial t. mounting for the fray. the assault. picrochole defends the castle. the flight of picrochole. initial w. gargantua's captives. gargantua rewarding the army. the wonderful winding stairway. initial a. the dreadful drought. initial g. the funeral of queen badebec. pantagruel's porringer. pantagruel carries his cradle. initial s. the great cross-bow of chantelle. the great raised stone. pantagruel visits his ancestor's tomb. pantagruel settles at orleans. pantagruel in the library. initial o. pantagruel meets panurge. initial w. at the gates of sorbonne. thaumastes visits pantagruel. the great college was packed. panurge replies. initial t. panurge gets money. panurge and the dirt-carts. panurge's fun. initial a. pantagruel marches to rouen. initial s. the voyage begins. panurge discomfits the horsemen. initial w. carpalim catches some fresh meat. the trophy. initial w. the king of the thirsty people. the soldiers try pantagruel's paste. initial a. the fight with loupgarou. initial a. welcome to pantagruel. grander and mightier than ever. pantagruel returns. initial o. initial a. pantagruel picks his ships. pantagruel sets sail. landing at the isle of pictures. pantagruel buys some strange animals. the land of satin. initial f. panurge wants a sheep. panurge buys a ram. panurge throws his ram overboard. the sheep and shepherds drown. initial a. the ace-of-clubs noses. initial p. giant widenostrils, the swallower of windmills. initial t. a storm comes on. pantagruel holds the mast. a sea breaks over panurge. land in sight. it was late in the afternoon. initial t. panurge revives. the dark and gloomy forest. the demons and the heroes. "we had lost another good hero." initial a. the land of wind. "without wind we must die." initial a. pantagruel spies a monster. shooting at the whale. pantagruel tries his hand. death of the monster. landing the monster. on wild island. initial n. the hospitable folk of papimany. the mayor rode up. entering the frozen sea. a shower of frozen words. landing on the rocks. master gaster. sharp island. the shores of lanternland. three good giants. [illustration: castle grandgousier.] chapter i. how the first giants came into the world. at the beginning of the world the pure blood of abel, shed by his wicked brother cain, made the soil very rich. every fruit seemed to grow that year to a dozen times its usual size. but the fruit that seemed to thrive best, and to taste most toothsome, and to be most eaten, was the medlar. so much of that fruit was eaten at that particular time that the year came to be called the "year of medlars." now, in this "year of medlars," the good men and women who lived then happened to eat a little too much of this fine fruit. it was all very nice while it was being eaten; but, somehow, after a little time it was found that terrible swellings, but not all in the same place, came out on those who had shown themselves too fond of the fruit. some grew big and twisted in their shoulders, and became what were afterwards called hunch-backs. some found themselves with longer legs than others, which, being quite as thin and bony as they were long, made malicious people, who had not eaten of the fruit, shout, "crane! crane! long-legged crane!" whenever one of the poor people showed himself. some there were who could boast of a nose as red as it was long and knotty, which made evil-tongued men say they had been more among the grapes than among the medlars. but this was, after all, the fault of the medlars. there was no doubt of that. others, having a special love for picking out everybody's secrets, found their medlars running into big ears, which grew so long that they soon hung down to their breasts. and those who once had the big ear lost, after that, all desire for other people's secrets, because their ears were so large they caught everything bad their neighbors were always saying about them. others--and now, listen--grew long in legs, but not longer in legs than they grew stout in body, and it was from these people that the giants sprang. when those who grew so long in legs and so stout in body began to walk on the earth, the neighbors did their best to please them. you may be sure there was no talk about medlars then. the first who became known as a giant was called chalbroth. [illustration: the giant chalbroth.] chalbroth was the father of all the giants, and the great-grandfather of hurtali, who reigned in the time of the deluge, and who was lucky enough not to be drowned in the deep waters. doubtless, the eyes of some of my young readers are twinkling, and they are ready to cry out very positively: "oh, no! there was no giant in noah's ark, you know. how could there be? only noah and his family were in the ark. the bible says that!" there was one wise man, however, who lived a long time after the first giant had appeared, and after many great ones had been noticed, and who had seen some with his own eyes. this wise man had thought, in a quiet way, a great deal about the big people, and, through much study, had found out why it was they were not all drowned. this wise man makes himself very clear on this point. he says that hurtali--the great-grandson of chalbroth, the first giant--escaped the deluge, not by getting _into_ the ark,--it was altogether too small for that,--but by getting _outside_ of it. in other words, he used it as a man strides a horse, riding on top of it, with one huge leg hanging over the right side and the other over the left. if hurtali was very heavy, the blessed ark was very stout. he got so used to his seat after a while, that, being on the outside, and able to see everything around him, he made his long legs do for the ark just what the rudder of a ship does for her. he must have saved it from many and many a rough shock against jutting mountains and sharp rocks as the waters were rising, and as, after covering the earth, they began to sink lower and lower; but it may be relied on--since the wise man says so--that, during the forty days and nights, giant hurtali was on the best of terms with noah and all his family. this might look strange; but it appears that there was on the top of the ark a chimney, and it was through this chimney that hurtali could always, for the asking, have his share of his favorite pottage handed up to him. [illustration: the giant hurtali on the ark.] it would really be of no use to tell the names of all the giants who came between hurtali and our merry old king grandgousier. some of them you already know. long after hurtali came goliath, the giant, whom young david slew with his sling and stone; briareus, the greek giant of a hundred hands; king porus, the indian giant, who fought with alexander, and was defeated by him; and the famous giant bruyer, slain by ogier the dane, peer of france. there are so many of them that i would soon grow tired of giving, and you of hearing, even their names. all that we care about knowing is that, in a straight line from hurtali, the giant who rode on the blessed ark, the fifty-fourth was grandgousier, who was the father of gargantua, who, in his turn, was the father of pantagruel. these are the three giants whose story i am about to tell, two of whom will prove more wonderful heroes than are to be read of either in ancient or modern history. chapter ii. gargantua is born. [illustration: initial k.] king grandgousier--the fifty-seventh in a straight line from chalbroth, the first giant--was a jovial king in his day. although a giant, he was the pink of politeness and kindly feeling. his whole life was one continual dinner. he was very fond of his own ease, this jovial king, but he also loved to make those around him happy. he kept open house, and the sun never rose on a day when there was not some high lord or some poor pilgrim at his table, eating and drinking of his best. he had a great horror of seeing people thirsty around him. "there is too much good wine flowing in my kingdom for anybody to feel thirsty. everybody should drink before he is dry," he was fond of saying. so one of the main duties of his chief butler turelupin was to make all the servants, all comers and goers, drink before they were dry. it was said to take eighteen hundred pipes of wine yearly to do this. he never was known to look at the clothes a guest wore,--oh, no, not he, that good, hearty old king grandgousier! and it was a pretty sight to see, whenever a guest or a friend wished to say anything privately, how tenderly the old giant would pick him up, and put him on his knee, and bend his great head and listen ever so carefully to try and find out what he had to say. his head was lifted so far above the ground that, otherwise, one would have had to shout out loud enough for all in the palace to hear. [illustration: king grandgousier keeps open house.] king grandgousier was very fond of his wine, and could drink,--being a giant,--at a single meal, more than a dozen common men could manage to swallow at a dozen meals each.[1] he was also very fond of salt meat. he never failed to have on hand a good supply of french hams, from mayence and bayonne,--the finest known in those days,--superb smoked beef-tongues; an abundance of chitterlings, when in season, and salt beef, with mustard to spice the whole. all these fine things were reinforced by sausages from bigorre, longaulnay, and rouargue,--the very best in all france. but there was something which king grandgousier loved above everything in the way of eating, and that was _tripes_. so fond was he of them that he had ordered all the royal meadows to be searched, and all the fat beeves grazing in the royal meadows, three hundred and sixty-seven thousand and fourteen of them, to be killed, so that there might be plenty of powdered beef to flavor the royal wine for the season. then he had the royal herald, with great flourish of trumpets, to name a day on which all his neighbors--brave fellows and good players at ninepins--were to join him in a great feast of tripes. [1] children must remember that times have changed for the better since the wild days of these old giants. to drink so hard and long that a man, from too much wine, would fall under the table and lie there because not able to move, was looked upon as a virtue then. now, in our happier days, we know it to be a virtue for a man to keep himself sober, and a shame for him to be seen drunk. [illustration: the king and queen love tripes.] king grandgousier had a fair and stately wife named gargamelle. she was a daughter of the king of the parpaillons, and was herself a giantess, but not quite so tall as her husband. grandgousier and gargamelle dearly loved one another, and all that they wanted in this world was a son to bear the father's name, and be king after him. queen gargamelle liked to be in the open air, and see games of ninepins and ball and leap-frog played by nimble men and women. and grandgousier, at such games, was always found seated at her side, like a good husband, seeming to enjoy them as much as she did. at last, one fine day, a little boy was born to them. he must have been a wonderful baby; because just as soon as he was born, instead of crying "_mie! mie! mie!_" as any other baby would have done, he shouted out at the top of his lungs, "drink! drink! drink!" there never were such lungs as his, everybody said. the old doctor himself, and the three wise old women who were there, all declared that he had the biggest throat ever known,--not even excepting his father's. now it happened that, of all the days of the year, the very day the royal herald had proclaimed, with flourish of trumpets, for the famous feast of tripes, was the very day on which the baby prince was born. when the great news was carried to king grandgousier, who was drinking and making merry with his friends, that he had a son, and that the young prince was already bawling for his drink, his joy almost choked him, and he could only find breath to say in french:-"_que grand tu as!_"--meaning "what a big throat thou hast!" everybody, including queen gargamelle, when she heard of it, the family doctor, and the three old wise women, laughed at this joke of the king, and declared that it was the very best name that could be given to the royal babe. from that moment, they began, when talking to him or speaking of him, to call him little prince _que-grand-tu-as!_ although they ran these four words trippingly together, and nobody not in the secret would have thought it more than a very strange name, yet, somehow, it was too long; and so, little by little, they kept changing till the very oldest of the three old wise women, who had been, one hot day, half-dozing over the cradle, started up suddenly, crying:-"i have it!" "well, what have you?" called the second oldest, who was wide awake, sharply. "the name for our dear little prince!" "don't be too sure of that, gossip. but why don't you say what it is?" she snapped in an awful curiosity, and just the least bit jealous. "gargantua!" "oh, my!" said the third oldest, who was a mild sort of old lady. * * * * * some say that it was the lords and neighbors who were feasting on the tripes, when the old king cried out, _que grand tu as!_ who had shouted back that the young prince ought to be called "gargantua." i am rather afraid that the oldest of the three wise old women had been listening at the door of the royal banqueting hall, when she ought to have been in queen gargamelle's chamber. chapter iii. gargantua as a baby. [illustration: initial w.] when father grandgousier heard that the name which the very oldest of the wise women had found for his son had been fixed for all time, he was delighted beyond measure, and said to queen gargamelle, while rubbing the palms of his great hands together:-"so the witch has fastened 'gargantua' on my boy after all. by my crown! what we have to do now is never to let master great throat be empty. now, tell me, my dear, where are we to get milk enough for that throat?" the queen looked at her baby; then she looked at her husband; then she looked into herself, and, finding nothing there to say, smiled, and said nothing. [illustration: the queen looked at her baby.] when father grandgousier called into the queen's chamber, for a secret conference, his royal butler, who, first asking permission of their majesties, called the royal steward, who called the royal dairyman, who called the chief milkman. after a long talk behind closed doors, the whole party filed out of the royal apartments, the chief milkman holding in his hand a scroll, showing a large, red seal, and tied many times around with a broad, red ribbon, the royal butler closing the line and looking wise as a privy-councillor. the scroll contained an order, authorizing the chief milkman--as there were not cows enough in the whole kingdom to give such milk as was needed for the young prince--to furnish the remainder. so there were brought to the royal cattle-yard seventeen thousand nine hundred and thirteen cows, all famed for the richness of their milk. master gargantua had, luckily, with the milk of these cows, enough to keep him alive until he was a year and ten months old. then the wise old doctor thought that the child ought to be taken more into the fresh air. in fact, what the doctor really wanted, and was half crazy about not finding, was a carriage suited to the young prince. a common baby carriage would not do at all. at last a youthful page, who dearly loved the strong oxen he had seen during the frequent visits he was fond of making to the royal stables, thought a fine large cart, not too pretty but very strong, and drawn by oxen, might do. the oxen were ready, but they could not be used until the royal carpenter had measured and made a cart that would hold the young giant. [illustration: an uncommon baby carriage.] there never was a happier baby than gargantua the first time he was placed in the cart. he was, in truth, a marvel of a baby, both because his body was so big and his face was so broad that, from much drinking of milk and good wines, he could boast of several chins,--some said nine; others swore there were ten,--which lapped each one over the other, as if they felt they were good company. every day he would be taken out to ride. then when he was tired he would cry, "drink! drink! drink!" whenever that cry was heard, presto! the cart would come to a stand-still, the oxen would begin to munch, and everybody would make a rush to the wine-cellar. of course, the king's son always had the best wines, and the lackey who was lucky enough to reach him first when he cried for drink always had the right to a cupful for himself. so it is quite certain that never was a baby so well waited on as was gargantua. he cried "_drink! drink! drink!_" so often that all the servants got to be sad topers from skipping off to the cellars whenever he called; and it turned out at last that even the tinkling of an empty glass, as a knife would strike against it, or the sight of a flagon or a bottle, would make him jump up and dance with joy, and start him afresh to bawling for "drink! drink! drink!" and the lackeys to scampering to the wine-cellar after the wine. [illustration: the servants got to be sad topers.] chapter iv. the royal tailor's bill for gargantua's suit. [illustration: initial w.] when gargantua had outgrown the age for riding in his ox-cart, and was just beginning to toddle round the palace-walks, it occurred to father grandgousier that he was getting to be a big boy. so he ordered the royal tailor into his royal presence. "so ho! thou art the clothes-maker, art thou? now, measure my son, and make a suit for him. his mother says he looks best in blue and white," was all he said. the royal tailor bowed humbly, while all the time he was shivering in his fine velvets and silks, at the honor of making clothes for a giant prince. for the old king, who simply wanted everything loose and easy-like, it was all well enough; but how would it be when he began to fit the royal heir? was what he kept asking himself. a royal tailor believes in his heart that he is a sort of king-maker, because he makes the clothes that give to a king that grand, imperial air which compels all men to kneel before him. he never will appear the least bit ruffled at the most impossible order given him, provided the order come from a king; but bows and smiles, no matter how sick and angry he may be at heart. to do the royal tailor justice, he did his best with the order given him. he made the clothes--and his bill. that bill is still kept at montsoreau. it is really a curiosity, and runs in this way:- his most gracious majesty, to the royal tailor, dr. for his royal highness' shirt with gusset 1,100 doublet of white satin 813 breeches of white broadcloth 1,105½ shoes of blue and crimson velvet 406 coat of blue velvet 1,800 girdle of silk serge 300½ cap of velvet, half white and half blue 300½ gown of blue velvet 9,600 ells 15,425½ [illustration: making gargantua's suit.] besides all this quantity of rich cloth for gargantua's full court-suit, there was brought from hyrcania the wild a bright blue feather for his plume. this plume was held in place by a handsome enameled clasp of gold, weighing sixty-eight marks, which the crown jewellers, by his father's orders, with great care, made for him; also a ring for the forefinger of his left hand, with a carbuncle in it as large as an ostrich-egg; and a great chain of gold berries to wear around his neck, weighing twenty-five thousand and sixty-three marks. [illustration: measuring gargantua for his suit.] chapter v. the year gargantua had wooden horses, and what use he made of them. [illustration: gargantua at play.] from the time he was three years old to the time he had grown to be a boy of five, gargantua was brought up, by the strict command of his father, just like all the other children of the kingdom. his education was very simple. it was: drinking, eating, and sleeping; eating, sleeping, and drinking; sleeping, drinking, and eating. if he loved any one thing more than to play in the mud, that was to roll and wallow about in the mire. he would go home with his shoes all run down at the heels, and his face and clothes well streaked with dirt. gargantua, therefore, was not more favored than the other little boys of the kingdom who were not so rich as he was; but there was one advantage which he did have. from his earliest babyhood he saw so many horses in the royal stables that he got to know a fine horse almost as well as his father did. whenever he saw a horse he would clap his fat hands together, and shout at the top of his lungs. it was thought that--being a prince who was, in time, to become a king--he should be taught to ride well. so they made him, when he was a little fellow of four years, so fine, so strong, and so wonderful a wooden horse that there had never been seen its like up to that date, and there never has been found in any young prince's play-house or toy-shop since. [illustration: gargantua's horse.] this surprising horse must have been a piece of rare workmanship, because, whenever its young master wanted it to do anything, it was bound to do it. he could make it leap forward, jump backward, rear skyward, and waltz, all at one time. he could make it trot, gallop, rack, pace, gambol, and amble, just as the humor took him. but this was only half of what that horse could do. gargantua, at a word, could make it change the color of its hair. one day its hide would be milk-white; the next day, bay; the next, black; the next, sorrel; the next, dapple-gray; the next, mouse-color; the next, piebald; the next, a soft brown deer-color. but this was not all. gargantua learned to be so skilful that he thought that he might just as well make a horse to suit himself as to have a horse bought for him. so he sat knitting his great eyebrows till he finally found how he could make a hunting-nag out of a big post; one for every day, out of the beam of a wine-press; one with housings for his room, out of a great oak-tree; and, out of different kinds of wood in his father's kingdom, he made ten or twelve spare horses, and had seven for the mail. [illustration: gargantua's riding lessons.] it was a rare sight to see all these wooden horses--bigger toys than had ever been made before--lying piled up, side by side, near gargantua's bed, and the young giant sleeping in their midst. one day, gargantua had a fine chance for having some sport of his own making. it was on the day a noble lord came on a visit to his old friend, king grandgousier. the royal stables proved rather small for such a number of horses as came with the noble lord. the chief equerry of the lord of breadinbag--which was the name of the great nobleman--was bothered out of his head because he could not find stable-room for all the horses brought with them. by good luck he and the grand steward happened to meet gargantua at the foot of the great staircase. [illustration: a noble lord came on a visit.] "hello, youngster, what is thy name?" "prince gargantua." "is that so?" they cried. "then say, little giant, tell us where we are to put our horses. the stables of thy royal father are all full." "yes, i know they are," said gargantua, slily; "all you have to do is to follow me, and i will show you a beautiful stable, where there are bigger horses than ever yours can grow to be. where have you left your horses?" "out in the court-yard, little giant." "follow me, then, and i will show you the stables." the chief equerry and the grand steward went after him, up the great staircase of the palace, through the second hall, into a great stone gallery, by which they entered into a huge stone tower, the steps to which they mounted, along with the prince, but breathing very heavily indeed. "i am afraid that big child is laughing at us," whispered the grand steward, behind his hand, to the chief equerry. "nobody ever puts a stable at the top of a house." "you are wrong there," whispered back the chief equerry; "because i happen to know of places, in lyons and elsewhere, where there are stables in the attic. but, to make sure, let us ask him again." turning to gargantua, he said:-"my little prince, art thou sure thou art taking us right?" "haven't i already told you? isn't this my father's palace, and don't i know the way to the stables of my big horses? don't gasp so much, gentlemen. only three little steps and we are there!" [illustration: "only three little steps."] once up the steps, which made the chief equerry and the grand steward blow worse than ever, and passing through another great hall, the mischievous prince, opening wide a door,--that of his own room,--cried, triumphantly:-"here are the finest horses, gentlemen, in the world. this one next the door is my favorite riding-horse. that one near the fireplace is my pacer,--a good one, i assure you. now, just look at that one leaning against yonder window. i rode it rather hard yesterday, and it is tired. that's my hunting-nag. i had it at a great price from frankfort; but i am willing to make you a present of it. don't refuse me, i beg. once on it, you can bag all the partridges and hares you may come across for the whole winter. now, choose; which of you will ride my hunting-nag?" the chief equerry and the grand steward, knowing that all these fine names of "riding-horse," and "pacer," and "hunting-nag," were for mere blocks of wood, were, for a moment, stupefied. they looked at each other slily, and half ashamed; but the joke was too good when they thought of the long stairs they had toiled up, and of their horses below waiting all this time to be stabled and fed. they couldn't help it; it was too rich; so they laughed till they were tired, and then began to laugh again till they were tired again. "a rare bird is this young scamp," panted the chief equerry, as he lifted one end of the great beam which gargantua called his hunting-nag. "a prime joker is this young rogue, if he is a prince," panted the grand steward, in echo, as he stumbled along with the other end into the hall. there was no use in being mad at the trick young gargantua had played on them. so they left him stroking the fastest horses in the world, while they went laughing all the way across the first hall, down the small steps, across the other halls, along the corridors, past the stone gallery, down the long stairway as far as the great arch, where they let the famous hunting-nag roll to the bottom. when they at last reached the great dining-room, where all their friends were gathered, they made everybody laugh like a swarm of flies at the trick played on them by the little prince with his wooden horses. chapter vi. how gargantua was taught latin. [illustration: initial o.] old father grandgousier had a very large body of his own; and, after the fashion of all good-natured giants that have ever lived, when he was pleased he was hugely pleased. so it happened that, when his friends came around him to drink his good wine, and eat his rich dinners, and to tell him how bright his boy was, he shook all over with mighty laughter. "ho! ho! ho! ho!" he shouted, till the big strong bottles that stood on his table jingled, and the very rafters of the dining-hall seemed to laugh with them. "you say that my little gargantua is quick? ho! ho! now, my good lords, philip of macedon had a son who was quick too. yes, they said that he was as quick as that," snapping his fingers together so that they went cric-crac like a pistol shot. "you have heard of the lad, and that wild bucephalus of his? bah! i am sure my little brigand upstairs would never have waited to turn the head of bucephalus to the sun before riding him, but would have mounted and ridden him before all the people, with his tail turned straight to the sun, and his shadow thrown plain before him! you have decided me, my friends. gargantua is already five years old. he is only a baby; but he is a giant's child with more wit than age,--that makes a difference. i have been thinking seriously lately; and it is high time that i should give my youngster to some wise man to make him wise according to his capacity." and this father grandgousier began to do at once. he called, the very next day, upon one of his subjects, worthy master tubal holofernes, a man famed for wisdom the country round, to teach gargantua his a b c's. i am sorry to say that master holofernes seemed, from the first hour, to be just a little afraid of his small pupil, who, although only a baby, could easily have studied his alphabet on his teacher's bald pate, and had to bend his head even to do that. but father grandgousier was, on the whole, well satisfied with his son. gargantua could, after five years and three months, actually recite his alphabet from a to z; then from z to a; then catch it sharply up in the middle, bunching m and n together; naming the letters in fours, in eights, and in twelves, as quickly as you can think, forward and back again, and again, till all the old friends--whose noses, from good living, had become very red, and whose paunches were very big--swore, over their wine, that he was the smartest child of ten years they _ever_ had seen. of course, father grandgousier thought all this something wonderful. he ho-ho'ed and he ha-ha'ed! with great swelling laughter, after the fashion of giants, until he was all out of breath, and his friends had to beg him to stop for fear of choking. [illustration: tubal holofernes.] but father grandgousier could not rest here. he declared that gargantua must now learn latin. the young giant was made, not only to study latin, but to write, besides that, his own books of study in gothic letters, there being no printing-presses in those days. to learn all this took him thirteen years, six months, and two weeks. by this time, gargantua had grown so tall that, when called upon to recite, he could not make his answer heard by master holofernes, who was rather deaf, unless by bending down and whispering it, because his voice was so strong that his ordinary tone would have, at that close distance, broken the drums of the old man's ears. what he thought he needed, therefore, was a writing-desk. it was very hard to find a desk quite suited to him for writing down what he had to say. they hunted near and far for one. at last one was found in the possession of a stunted old giant, living in a cave near by, who all his life had been hoping to grow as tall as king grandgousier himself. this poor giant had, however, been thrown into despair because he had suddenly stopped growing, and still lacked a dozen feet or so of being as tall as he wanted to be. he gave up the desk he had used so long, with a great sob that shook the mountain in the caves of which he lived. gargantua, although not full-grown, did not find a desk of seven hundred thousand pounds' weight at all in his way, for it was just suited to his size. his ink-horn, weighing as much as a ton of merchandise, swung by heavy iron chains from the side of the desk. from it gargantua, with a pen-holder as large as the great pillar of enay, used to write his latin exercises. master holofernes kept him at all this for eighteen years and eleven months, and so thorough did he become that he could recite his latin exercises by heart, backwards. he went on studying after this some of the harder books for sixteen years and two months, when he had the misfortune of losing his old teacher very suddenly. one day, unexpectedly, father grandgousier called his friends around him,--who had, by this time, gained redder noses and bigger paunches than ever,--to see how strong his son was in latin. he also invited a friend of his who, he was sure, did know latin. [illustration: the friend who knew latin.] then he shouted out, "come, my little one, and show these friends of thy father what thou hast learned of latin. see, here is a gentleman who knows it as he does his breviary. he shall examine thee, and tell us how much thou hast learned under faithful master holofernes, whom we all honor." and the learned friend began on poor gargantua, and poured on him question after question for six mortal hours. father grandgousier, who, by the way, had understood not one word of it all, turned to him at the end triumphantly:-"now, good sir, art thou not convinced that my boy knows his latin?" then, that learned friend, although just a little trembling, to be sure, answered quietly enough:-"with my liege's permission, prince gargantua does not know any more latin than your own gracious majesty." "_what!_ what! what!!!" roared father grandgousier, each time making that very short word longer and louder and fiercer, and jumping to his feet he fairly kicked learned master holofernes out of the palace; meanwhile, rolling his eyes around in his rage, and gnashing his teeth in so horrible a way that the noses of his old friends who had sat at his table for sixty years, and more, turned pale for once, through fright; and there were those of the household who said that, as they fled from the dining-room, in terror, even the paunches of these old friends seemed, somehow, to have grown as flat as the royal pancakes they had just been eating. [illustration: flight of the tutor.] chapter vii. the new master found for gargantua. [illustration: initial w.] "what! not know thy latin! after forty-eight years, seven months, and two days! then, my little rogue, it is to paris thou must go." this is what grandgousier said to gargantua just one week after that luckless dinner. i will tell you how it all happened. the first thing the old king did the next morning was to send, post-haste, to his good friend, don philip of the marshes, viceroy of papeligosse, who knew latin, and who had told him, years and years before, that poor master holofernes was nothing but a bit of an old humbug (humbug was not quite the word used at that time, but the meaning was all the same). "come to me, my friend," he wrote, "thou art always prating of thy latin scholars. now bring one of thy wonders along with thee." so don philip came in great state, as befitted a visit to his king, accompanied by the prettiest, the jauntiest, the sharpest, the politest, the sweetest-voiced little fellow ever seen. don philip introduced the curled darling as master eudemon, his page. "your majesty sees this child?" he asked. "he is not yet twelve years old; yet i dare promise that he will prove to your majesty, if it be your pleasure, what difference there really is between the old dreamers of the past and the lads of the present." "so be it," cried the old giant, gaily, as he put on his glasses, to see the better. when his eyes first fell on the young page, he swore under his breath--which sounded for all the world like stifled thunder--that he resembled rather "a little angel than a human child." as soon as eudemon was called to show what he knew, he rose with youthful modesty, and bowed with charming grace to the king, then to his master, and then to gargantua, who was frowning at him, and wondering within himself what all those pretty ways meant. then the young page opened in a latin so good, so pure, and so musical that what he said sounded rather like a speech made by a gracchus, or a cicero, or an emilius, in the old days of roman glory, than one made by a youth of that day. after a little, eudemon--cunning rogue that he was!--began to praise gargantua to the skies. he spoke first of his young prince's virtue and good manners; secondly, of his knowledge; thirdly, of his noble birth; fourthly, of his personal beauty; and fifthly, the little fellow exhorted him so movingly to revere his great father in all things that gargantua was so ashamed at not understanding a word of what he was saying, and at not being able to latin away as he did, forgetting that a dwarf had no business whatever to criticise a young giant, that he began to _moo-moo_ like a cow, and to hide his face in his cap without having ever a word to say for himself. [illustration: eudemon.] here it was that father grandgousier grew really angry. he praised eudemon and scolded gargantua by turns, until at last he fell asleep among all the big bottles that had been emptied during the pretty tale of the learned little angel, which nobody around the table understood but don philip of the marshes and the pretty little angel himself. it is a bold thing at all times to awake a king without his own orders; but when that king is a giant, it is a bolder thing to do than ever. no one dares, for his head, disturb him, and yet, he has to be waked, or else the next morning his sneezes will make all the houses around tumble down, as giant's colds in the head are just about as big as their bodies. now, gargantua being a young giant himself, was the only one who could venture upon the liberty of waking his father, and i have already said what he got for his pains:-"what! not know thy latin! after forty-eight years, seven months, and two days, too! then, my little rogue, it is to paris thou shalt go." chapter viii. gargantua goes to paris, and the big mare that takes him there. [illustration: initial t.] the trip to paris being settled, the first thing to be agreed on was a horse large enough to carry gargantua at his ease. there was no trouble here; for, by good luck, it happened that there had arrived, only a few days before, the most gigantic mare that had ever eaten hay in the royal stables. she had come all the way from africa, a present from fayolles, the fourth king of numidia. when father grandgousier went to look at the mare, he found her a marvellous animal, indeed. she was as big as six elephants, with her hoofs split into toes. her ears hung downward like the great ears of the goats of languedoc. the mare was not alone in her split toes, because history tells us that the steed of julius cæsar had the self-same toes if he hadn't the ears. but she was alone in her tail! oh, how mighty that tail was! it was as big as the pillar of saint-mars near langes, and just as square. if the boys and girls who are reading this are surprised, they will only have to think of what they have already read of the tails of those scythian rams which weighed more than thirty pounds each; and of the sheep of syria, the tails of which were so long and so heavy that they had to be rested on a cart to be carried in comfort. the mare, in short, was so extraordinary a creature that, on seeing her for the first time, father grandgousier could only whistle beneath his breath. "that's the very beast to carry my son to paris! with her, all things will go well. he will be a great scholar one of these days." [illustration: gargantua's mare.] the next day, after breakfast, the party started on their journey. first, there was gargantua on his gigantic mare, and wearing boots which his father had just given him, made out of the skin of the red deer; then his new teacher, ponocrates; then his servants, among whom was the young page, eudemon. there never was a gayer party. in the highest spirits, and laughing loudly, they jogged on, day after day, until they reached a point just above the city of orleans. at this point, they found a great forest thirty-five leagues long and seventeen wide, or thereabout. the forest was very fertile in some ugly insects, known as gadflies and hornets. these flies were so large and so fierce, and so sharp-tongued and so poisonous besides, that they were the terror of all the poor horses and asses which had to pass through the forest. but gargantua's mare was equal to both flies and hornets. she resolved to avenge all her kindred, even though they were mere dwarfs, which had ever suffered from gadflies and hornets, and which, if she did not help them, would continue to suffer from them. the moment she got well into the forest, and the gadflies began to plague her, she first shook her tail slowly and lazily to see whether or not it was in good working order. this did not in the least frighten the insects, which kept on plaguing and stinging her more than ever. then it was that she loosed that tail of hers to the right and the left. so well did she do this, whisking it wildly here and there, far up in the air and low down on the ground, that she whipped down the biggest trees, one after the other, with a crash that made the hearts of the others tremble within their very bark, with all the ease that a mower cuts down the grass. so well did she do her work that, since she passed through that forest, there never has been seen in it a single tree or a single gadfly, or a single hornet, for the whole wood on that day became the open country, and has been open country ever since. [illustration: ponocrates.] when gargantua, who hadn't noticed what his mare had been doing, saw this, he only laughed, while he said to ponocrates in his old-time french:-"_je trouve beau-ce!_" which, translated freely into english, would mean:-"i find this fine." and, from that day to this, the country above the city of orleans, in france, has been called _la beauce_. chapter ix. the parisians laugh at gargantua.--he takes his revenge by stealing the great bells of nôtre-dâme. [illustration: initial t.] the first thing gargantua did, on reaching paris, was to make a resolve that he and his people should have a gay time. some days after, when they had all rested well and had feasted until they were full of good eating and drinking, gargantua started on a stroll through the town to find what was to be seen. the paris gargantua saw was not the paris of to-day,--not nearly so mighty a city as it has since become. but its people then were every bit as fond of merry-making and of seeing shows as they are now. one who lived in those days, and who boasted that he knew the parisians better than they did themselves, says that they were so silly and so stupid by nature that it only took a rope-dancer, dancing on his rope, or a merry-andrew playing at his tricks, or a bawler of old scraps, or a blind fiddler, or a hurdy-gurdy in the market-place, to appear, to draw a bigger crowd than the holiest and most eloquent preacher. now, a giant like gargantua was himself such a show as the people of paris had never before set their silly eyes on. of course they swarmed around him with staring eyes and open mouths, pushing against him here, and knocking against him there, in their strong desire to see as much of him as they could. they troubled him almost as much as the flies and hornets of _la beauce_ had troubled his mare. some, bolder than the rest, even ran in and out between his legs as he strode along the street. at first, gargantua took the crowd good-naturedly enough. by and by, he began to think that all this squeezing and tickling were getting just a little tiresome. he looked around in a helpless sort of way, until, by good luck, his eyes fell on the tall towers of _nôtre dâme_ cathedral, near by. "ha! ha! that's the very place for me," he cried, and, without further ado, resting one hand on the top of the roof to steady himself, he went whizzing with a great leap past the statues of adam and eve, that looked wonderingly out from their stony niches. the idle crowd was afraid to follow gargantua; but it stood packed up close together in the open space which surrounded the old church, gazing at him as he went through the air, and wondering all the time what the giant was going to do with their famous towers. it was not long before they found out. no sooner was he on the roof than gargantua caught sight of the great tanks filled with water which were then to be found there. chuckling to himself, he cried: "now for some fun! i shall pledge this good people of paris in a glass of wine." up he caught one of the tanks, poised it for a moment in the air, and then shouting out: "_to your health, good folks!_" tipped it just a bit. down poured its water in a full stream. then he threw the tank after it. quick, before one could think or breathe, the others followed. so sudden was the down-pour of water that the people thought a tremendous water-spout, in passing over their city, had burst upon them. two hundred and sixty thousand, four hundred and eighteen persons were drowned on that day by the water, or crushed by the tanks, or killed by being run over by those seeking to escape. those who were lucky got away as fast as they could. in less than three minutes the square was empty, for the water, as it rolled out into the streets, washed all the dead away. [illustration: gargantua enters paris.] gargantua, who was a good-hearted giant, little knew what mischief he had done. after he had emptied all the tanks, and thrown them away, he ceased to think about the people. he had only gone on the roof to rid himself of the buzzing and nudging of the crowd; and, not hearing any more from them, he set about amusing himself. when he caught sight of the great bells of _nôtre dâme_, a happy idea struck him. he would set them to ringing and pealing! ah, how he was charmed! their notes were so soft, so rich, so mellow, so tender, so golden! he wanted to have the bells about him all the time. just then he thought: "these parisians deserve a lesson for their bad manners, and i am going to revenge myself." so he at once began to pick up the bells, one after the other, as if they were so many buckets. when he had gathered them all, he leaped down from the roof and strode across the city in the direction of his hotel. once there, a merry thought came to him, which made him drop the bells and clap his thighs with a sound that brought all the good wives of paris--or those that remained after the affair of the tanks--to their windows. "ho! ho! ho! i have it now! i shall keep my beautiful bells to please my father, and pay the parisians, all at the same time. i send my mare home to-morrow. every little donkey nowadays wears a collar with jingling bells. _my_ mare shall carry at her neck the bells of _nôtre dâme!_" [illustration: the city was excited.] gargantua went straight to the stable where his mare had already found her fodder, and, with great care, while gymnaste, his squire, held the candle, placed the bells of _nôtre dâme_, one by one, around her neck. the city was greatly excited at the loss of the bells; and, the next day, there came a long line of grave, black-robed men who proved to him in learned speeches that the holy church of _nôtre dâme_ had a right to her own bells. gargantua, now that all the excitement had passed, felt that he had done a very silly thing, and could only say that the bells were not lost; but that if their worships would go to the stable, they would find them still hanging from the neck of his great mare. after further talk, and much good drinking, the grave, black-robed men--who, if the whole truth were to be told, were not a little afraid of the giant--picked up heart to say: "give us back our bells, and we shall bind ourselves to give your mare free grazing in the forest of bière, so long as your highness honors us with your presence." gargantua was very willing to accept this offer. the bells were taken back in great state to _nôtre dâme_, where--god bless them!--they may be seen, and heard too, when the sun shines and when the rain falls, to this very day. chapter x. ponocrates, the new teacher, desires gargantua to show him how he used to study with old master holofernes. [illustration: initial g.] gargantua was a good son, as we have already seen. he knew that he had been sent to paris to learn latin. so, after a few days of pleasure, he dutifully offered to begin a course of study with his new teacher, ponocrates. but ponocrates himself was just a little curious to know how old master holofernes had managed to teach his big pupil so as to leave him, after fifty-three years, ten months, and ten days, just as much a booby as he had found him. "let your highness," ponocrates said, "do precisely as you used to do with your old master." and gargantua, greatly relieved, as you may imagine, began to live in paris the very life he used to live at home. and this is the way he lived. he woke up between eight and nine o'clock every morning, whether it was light or not. the first thing he did after waking was to make a tent of the sheets of the bed, raising one of his tall legs as the centre-pole and watching how the big sheet fell on either side. after the tent was brought down, gargantua would begin to gambol and roll around in his bed, to stand on his head, to twist his huge limbs in every sort of twirl, and to turn any number of somersaults, single, double, treble, and quadruple, in a way that would make one of our modern acrobats turn green with envy. after that he would rise and dress himself according to the season. but, in the old home days, he generally wore a large robe of rough cloth, lined with fox-skins, and so he brought out of his trunk the very garment itself, looking rather worn and shabby. the next thing was to comb his head with a "german comb," which was the name given in those days to the easiest way of combing, since it meant a comb made by the four fingers and the thumb. for old master holofernes had always enjoined this habit on him, saying that it was a waste of time for him to smooth his hair in any other way, and with any better comb. [illustration: gargantua gets up.] being now dressed, gargantua went through a series of performances which--considering that they came from a giant--must have been very startling, indeed. he gaped, stretched, coughed, spit, groaned, sneezed, hiccoughed, and then, with a broad smile, declared himself ready to breakfast on fried tripe, grilled steaks, colossal hams, magnificent roast, and a noble soup. all this feast was made hot with mustard, shovelled down his throat by four of his servants. master ponocrates, one day, thought it his duty, as the teacher charged with the education of his royal pupil, to suggest that it was hardly right for him to eat so heavy a breakfast without having already taken some exercise. gargantua was ready with his answer. "how can you say so, master?" he asked; "have i not exercised enough? have i not stretched myself on the bed in all sorts of ways until my muscles are sore? isn't that enough? pope alexander the v. used to do the same, by the advice of his jewish doctor, and he lived, as you know, until he died. i feel very well from my breakfast, and am already beginning to think of my dinner." [illustration: gargantua breakfasts.] ponocrates must have been satisfied with this little speech of his pupil; for, after grumbling a bit under his breath, all that he did was to stroke his long beard in deep thought, while he asked himself in wonder: "how did the prince ever happen to hear about pope alexander?" and let the young giant continue his course, while he himself continued to wonder. after breakfast gargantua went to church,--you may be sure he kept away from _nôtre dâme!_ behind him, on his way to church, went nine of the stoutest lackeys, who bore, as if they would have liked to be doing anything rather than that, a big basket, which contained a breviary worthy of a giant, since it was so heavy that, by actual weight, it was found to weigh just eleven hundred and six pounds. with that breviary, the devout young prince entered the church and heard the holy mass from beginning to end. on leaving the church, he always thought it the proper thing for his breviary to be carried by oxen to his hotel. once there, gargantua began to study during a short half hour, with his eyes like good saint anthony's in the story, "firmly fixed upon his book;" while all the time, "his soul," as the clown of paris, in his day, used to say, "was down in the _kitchen_." [illustration: gargantua goes to church.] the dinner came soon enough after his return home to satisfy even gargantua, who was a great glutton. he used to smile as he saw the table at his new lodging-house laden with a dozen rich hams, with the best of smoked tongues, with puddings, with; fine chitterlings; and his great throat took them all down one after the other. every day, after the meals, it was his practice to wash his hands with fresh wine, and to pick his teeth with a dry pig-bone. after that he declared himself ready for his games. chapter xi. the two hundred and fifteen games of cards gargantua knew how to play.--what it was he said after he had gone through the list, and what it was ponocrates remarked. [illustration: initial t.] the first thing gargantua did, on rising from the dinner table, would be to call out in a cheery voice:-"spread the carpet!" the servants understood what that meant very well. gaily they would unroll a large carpet, stretch it free from wrinkles, and then, in a twinkling, lay a pack of cards in the very middle of it. then the giant and his friends would sit down on the carpet, and begin playing cards. there were just two hundred and fifteen of these games which gargantua knew how to play. their names would sound odd to the card-players of this day, and i give some of the oddest on the list, so that you may know what queer games were then the fashion with the giant and his friends:- the bamboozler. the potatoes. scotch hoppens. the cows. the tables. to steal mustard. skin the fox. sow the hay. sell the hay. the monkey. the combs. the coat-brush. nine hands. partridges. the keys. the birch tree. ninepins. i pinch thee without laughing. figs of marseilles. draw the spit. each of these games took a whole day, lasting between dinner and the time to enjoy a nap. gargantua always thought it necessary to prepare for his afternoon sleep by taking a little drink. his companions must have been heavy drinkers,--regular old topers of the jolly order,--because the allowance every day called for eleven pots of wine for each man. after drinking such a quantity they would naturally feel drowsy. they would then stretch themselves on the carpet, and snore away, each snorer playing a different tune through his nose, in the midst of the cards lying loosely around, and the emptied pots,--all except gargantua, whose breathing on such occasions was always of the hurricane fashion, whether awake or asleep. he would sleep for two or three hours like a good christian, without thinking of any evil thing, and without muttering a single bad word in his dreams. on waking, he had a trick of giving his great ears a half-dozen shakes,--why, i don't know,--and then bawling out for fresh wine, which he drank down in one great gulp. then came the only study for the day, which was rather a mystery for all parties. nobody could say exactly what it was, and master ponocrates only smiled when asked about it. it lasted for a few minutes only, after which gargantua would mount, in high state, an old mule which had already served nine kings, and briskly ride away to see where the good people of paris caught their rabbits. on his return, he had a habit of running in and out of the kitchen, with his broad nostrils swollen out like balloons, to find out what particular roast was on the spit, until the cook, already in a stew, was ready to tear his hair in despair. but cooks may be ever so vexed, the meat will roast on the spit all the same, and at last get done to a turn. all things being ready, gargantua would sit down at table. he always managed to have a large company of gentlemen present, who were only too willing, for the honor of being invited to dinner by a prince, to serve as his attendants, should he ever need their services. among those of high birth who usually dined with him at this time were the lords de fou, de gourville, de grignaut, and de marigny. [illustration: gargantua looks into the kitchen.] after supper, gargantua--being in the liveliest humor, and disposed to look on the world with a broad laugh, showing the largest and whitest of teeth--would play a little, or else pay an open-air visit to some of the many pretty young ladies living in the neighborhood,--their houses being too small for him to enter,--and, on such nights, he would not get home until midnight. sometimes, when he did not go out, he would take another little supper about eight o'clock, and still another before midnight. then he would sleep without snoring until eight o'clock next morning. it was a great day for gargantua when he reached the end of his two hundred and fifteen games; or, rather, he intended that it should be a great day. he had said nothing to any one; but, when he woke that particular morning, he was noticed to be in a gayer mood than usual while he was dressing himself, and after he had gamboled and rolled around his bed, and stretched his limbs on it, and made his own great tent with one leg and the sheet, and given a neat turn to his long locks with his german comb, and gone through his usual gaping, coughing, spitting, groaning, sneezing, and hiccoughing. but, being in some things a very simple giant, indeed, he had not noticed that his teacher, ponocrates, had very keen eyes, and could use them too. why, ponocrates knew when the last game was to be played just as well as gargantua himself did, and he had made up his mind to be somewhere in the room when it closed. sure enough, listening in a corner of the big chamber, he heard some one say: "_here we are on our last game!_" to which gargantua shouted in reply: "ho! ho! the _last_ game! don't be too sure of that. gentlemen, to-morrow we shall play just as well as to-day." "how, prince?" asked ponocrates, softly, coming out of his corner. "how, good master? why, by beginning our games over again." "not so fast; not so fast, prince. to-morrow your highness will begin with me!" chapter xii. gargantua is dosed by ponocrates, and forgets all that holofernes had taught him. [illustration: initial w.] while the two hundred and fifteen games, taking up just that number of days, were being played, master ponocrates had not been at all idle. he had already consulted with master theodore--a wise physician of that time--and knew just what he was going to do when he had said:-"to-morrow your highness will begin with me." the first thing was to dose gargantua with a mysterious herb, which made him forget all that he had ever learned under his old teacher. this was not an original idea at all with either theodore or ponocrates, for thimotes, the music-master of miletus, had long before dosed, in the same way, such disciples of his as had been unlucky enough to have first learned their notes under other musicians. gargantua, when asked by ponocrates to meet certain scientific gentlemen of paris who had been specially invited to inspire the royal giant with love of knowledge, was so weak and pale after his dose that he could only bow his head, while wondering lazily to himself what all these heavy talks about science had to do with the latin, which his good old father grandgousier had been so anxious for him to learn. [illustration: ponocrates doses gargantua.] when he had been dosed enough to forget his old studies, and even to look up with a mild surprise when his dearly-loved master holofernes was mentioned, gargantua was put through a course of study, in which he did not lose a single hour of the day. only think how much he must have learned each day! first, he was roused up, whether he wanted or not, at four o'clock every morning, when he said his prayers. while the attendants were rubbing his body down, a young page would read, in a loud voice, so as to be heard above the scrubbing, some extracts from a book of good doctrine. after this, being not more than half-dressed yet, his practice was to visit each of his companions in his room, and with a gentle "get thee up, my boy! get thee up!" awake the lazy fellow from his slumbers. then he returned to his room, where he found ponocrates always ready to explain what was doubtful in the chapters that had been read to him, and to ask him whether he had noted, as he should, what signs the sun was entering that morning, and what aspect he thought the moon would have that night. it was only after this that his attendants began to dress him, to perfume him, to curl him, and to powder him--gargantua all the while not once venturing to use that large, well-thumbed german comb of which he had once been so proud. while all this was going on, the same page would repeat the lesson of the day. gargantua, thoroughly dosed and brought down to a most anxious desire for study, learned after two or three days to repeat the lessons by heart. everybody looked glad at this--none more so than good master ponocrates himself--especially when the debate touched on such a question as the "human state," which was made the special lesson for two or three hours. while gargantua was still puzzling over the reading of the "human state," and learning all around the best talk about it, the big clock would strike eleven; and then he would, with all his friends, walk soberly to the ground where they would play at the good old game of ball, exercising their bodies till all their muscles grew tired. from the field it was an easy way to the house, where gargantua, being first rubbed down and after a change of shirt, would walk meekly, surrounded by his friends, towards the kitchen to ask if the dinner was ready. while waiting for the cook--now no longer in a stew, and therefore growing fatter and greasier than ever--to send up the meal, they would recite clearly and eloquently such sentences as had been retained from the morning-lecture. however, mister appetite is stronger than knowledge; and when dinner was ready, they soon dropped their wise talk and began to look with eyes as big as their stomachs towards the dining-room. once seated at table some one would begin to read a pleasant history of ancient heroism, and continue reading until the wine was served. then, if the party seemed in a mood for it, ponocrates would set them to chatting merrily about the nature of all that they had before them on the table, the bread, the wine, the water, the salt, the meats, the fish, the fruits, herbs, roots and the mode of preparing all these. doing this every day, gargantua soon learned all the passages relating to them to be found in old classic writers, who were as dry as they were wise. sometimes, when the quotation did not run smooth, the old, musty, yellow parchment itself, with its nearly rubbed-out gothic letters, would be brought in to settle the question; and the result was that, in a marvelously short time, no learned doctor was gargantua's equal in all this--no, not by one-half. [illustration: gargantua at his lessons.] they would once more take up in an easy talk the lessons read during the morning, and, after finishing their dinner with some well-made marmalade of quinces, would clean their teeth with a twig of the mastic tree, and wash their hands and eyes with fresh water. which being done, cards were brought, not to play with, but to teach a thousand fresh tricks and inventions which sprang directly, not only from architecture, but from geometry, astronomy, and music. after that, with a word from the good master, gargantua would make himself merry in singing with his comrades some songs selected by himself, accompanied by such instruments as the lute, the spinet, the harp, the german nine-holed flute, the viol, and the sackbut, when would come three hours given to exercises in writing antique and roman letters, and, lastly, to the main study, which would have made old father grandgousier's heart swell with gladness if he could only have known it. chapter xiii. how gargantua was made not to lose one hour of the day. [illustration: initial e.] everybody knows that giants are very queer people and require a great deal of care, even when they are the mildest, and gargantua was such a giant that the measures of all the tailors of paris at that time couldn't have told him how tall he was, and all the weights known in his day couldn't possibly have balanced his big body. master ponocrates, who had no idea of making the prince's mind strong at the expense of his body,--being too good a teacher for that,--arranged it in such a way that, every day after the latin lesson, gargantua was allowed, after changing his clothes, to leave his hotel with his squire gymnaste, who had been chosen specially to teach him the noble art of horsemanship. once on horseback, gargantua would first give his steed full rein; then make him leap high in air; then jump a ditch; then scale a fence; then turn quickly in one half of a circle, and back again around the other half, before one could count thirty seconds. then calling for a lance--the keenest, the sharpest, and the strongest that could be had--he would ride full-tilt against the heaviest door or the stoutest oak, piercing the one through and through, or uprooting the other by sheer force with as much ease as a common man would tear up a sapling. as for the flourishes on horseback, no one could compete with gargantua. the great acrobat of ferrara was only a monkey in comparison with him. gargantua was taught to leap from one horse to another while both were at full gallop, without touching the ground, or, with lance at rest, mounting each horse without stirrup or bridle, and guiding it as he pleased. as ponocrates said, "all these things help to make a good soldier." yet this was only a trifle. every fine day the prince would go hunting. he would shine as brightly there as he had done in horsemanship. he would always be the first when the chasing the deer, the doe, the boar, the partridge, the pheasant, and the bustard. next to hunting came swimming. gargantua, being so bulky, never would strike a stroke unless he was in deep waters. he would play such tricks in the water as only good swimmers know--swimming on his back, or sideways, or with all his body, or sometimes with his feet only. he laughed at the idea of crossing the seine. it was his daily pastime, holding a book with one hand high above the water, to reach the other side without wetting a single page of it. one day, gargantua, being praised for all this, was asked if he had any model. all he said was:-"perhaps, julius cæsar used to do something of the same kind." [illustration: gargantua learns to shoot.] on coming out of the water, he would of course feel chilled through, and then to get well warmed he would run up a hill, and then rush down, taking the trees on the way, up which he would dart like a cat, leaping from one branch to the other like a squirrel, and breaking down great limbs to the right and left like milo of old. he would next pay his attention to the houses which, with the aid of two steel poniards, he would climb, jumping down from them without ever being the worse for it. after this he would exercise with the bow, often strongest bows in drawing, shooting at targets from below upwards, from above downwards, sideways, and at last behind him, like the parthians. [illustration: gargantua learns to climb.] but there was something more. every day after these feats were over, they would drop a big cable from some high tower to the ground. gargantua would go hand over hand up this chain, and descend it with so sure a grip that, among the active men of paris, there could not be found his equal. then came what ponocrates called strengthening his nerves. for this purpose, two great weights of lead had been specially made--each one weighing eight hundred and seventy thousand pounds--which gargantua would take up, one in each hand, raise them above his head, and keep them there, without moving, three quarters of an hour and more. all who saw this great feat wondered, and swore that the like of it had not been seen in the world. being still out in the open air, he would exercise his throat and his lungs by shouting like a wild man. why, he was one day heard calling eudemon from the gate of saint victor, by a man who was standing in the street at montmartre,--any map of paris will show you how far that is. everybody has heard about stentor and his great voice. well, stentor never had such a voice at the siege of troy as gargantua had at the gate of st. victor. when the weather was bright, he would play a game in which he would imitate milo, the famous strong man, by standing on his feet, and daring any number of the strongest men to make him move. this was the last of the hard work for the day. he would be allowed to rest time enough to be bathed, rubbed down, and given clean clothes. he and his companions would return very slowly home, stopping on the way by certain fields or grassy plains, where they examined the trees and plants, consulting over them with the books of old-time greybeards who had written about them, their arms full of specimens which they would throw to the page rhizotome, who was charged to take good care of them, together with the pickaxes, hoes, spades, scrapers, pruning-knives, and other implements which his master had used in the work. of course this had brought them home, where they had to wait sometimes for supper. if they happened to wait, they would repeat certain passages from what had been read or spoken of at dinner. at the supper-table, they would continue their wise talk. after supper they used to sing musically, to play on harmonious instruments, and to pass the time away in those little games which wise men know how to play with cards, dice, and goblets. his companions never found these very interesting. no more did gargantua. [illustration: gargantua studies astronomy.] when bed-time came, gargantua used to walk with ponocrates as far as the lodge, looking upon the open street, whence they could better see the face of the sky. there he watched the comet--there happened to be one then--and the figure, situation and aspect, opposition and conjunction of the stars. then, with his good teacher, he would briefly sum up in the way of the pythagoreans all that he had read, seen, known, thought, and done in the course of the day. then the tired young giant, tucking his bedclothes lazily around him, would commend himself to heaven, and stretch his big limbs out on a bed that i am afraid was rather short for him. chapter xiv. how the awful war between the bunmakers of lerne and gargantua's country was begun. [illustration: initial w.] while gargantua, studying day after day, was finding out that the tasks he had at first thought to be so hard were so easy that they became more a pastime than anything else, and while he was growing to be a skilful soldier and a most learned gentleman, his old father, king grandgousier, without his knowing it, had got into a terrible muss with certain bunmakers of lerne. this is how it happened. it was vintage-time, when the great purple grapes, bursting with their ripeness, were to be gathered, and when the shepherds of grandgousier's kingdom used to watch the vines like hawks to prevent the starlings from pecking at the juicy clusters. this vintage-time always made business for the bunmakers of lerne. even when in the best of humor, however, they were always a peppery-touch-me-if-you-dare sort of fellows. they brought their buns to market along the great highway, in ten or eleven big carts, which filled the air around them with the sweetest odors. of course, trudging along through the white dust of the road, they were sure to meet king grandgousier's shepherds watching their vines, who always made it a rule to step out politely to the edge of the highway, hats in hand, to beg the bunmakers to give them some of their fine, smoking buns in exchange for their money. i dare say the shepherds knew what they were doing. never were there such buns as the bunmakers of lerne had the fame, all around that region, of making. taken at breakfast with ripe grapes they were a dish fit for a king's table! by ill luck, this year above all other years, the bunmakers chose to show how hot and peppery they could be. being asked by the shepherds in the usual polite way to sell their buns, they not only refused outright, but they began to call the honest shepherds all the bad names they could think of. there was one shepherd named forgier,--a good man, and a gay one besides,--who, stepping forward, said in a mild voice to the bunmakers:-[illustration: the bunmakers of lerne.] "friends, this is not acting like neighbors. haven't you always come by the highway? haven't you always found us ready to give you good silver and copper for your buns? and haven't you always had from us in return our fine cheeses, which give their richness to your buns?" it is an old saying that oil will make troubled waters still. but old sayings are not always true. this particular saying proved false, for, when the bunmakers received forgier's oil, it only set _their_ water on fire. "come here, sirrah!" shouted marquet, the chief bunmaker, to forgier, "and _i_ will give you your buns." forgier, being a very worthy, unsuspecting fellow, came near with his money in his hand, like an honest man, thinking all the time that marquet really would let him have the buns, in spite of his rough voice and sneering tones. what did marquet do but, with his long whip, cut the good forgier about his body and legs so as to make him dance more nimbly than he had ever danced before! after that, marquet got a little frightened and wanted to slip away; but forgier, while he was bawling for everybody to come to his rescue, took from under his arm a big cudgel, with which he hit the bad bunmaker such a blow on his head as to make him fall from his horse more like a dead man than a living one. but this was not the end. the good shepherds, hearing forgier's cries for help, rushed from their grape-vines to the white, dusty road, holding their poles in their hands ready to avenge their comrade. the bunmakers, peppery as they might be, were just then trying to get off as fast as their horses could carry their carts away; but they were not fast enough to prevent the shepherds from taking from them four or five dozen delicious buns, for which they offered, like honest men, to pay the usual price. but the bunmakers were in too great a hurry for that. they laughed angrily at all these offers, and bore marquet's body, in a dead faint, away with them. and this was how the great and bloody war between the bunmakers of lerne and gargantua's country began. the first thing the bunmakers did, on getting safe home at lerne, even before taking a bit of food or a sup of wine, was to hasten to the palace, where, bowing low before their king picrochole, they spread out their broken baskets, torn robes, crushed buns, and, at last, with a grand flourish, displayed marquet himself all covered with dry blood, and groaning dreadfully. "who has dared do this?" shouted king picrochole, getting very red in the face. [illustration: the anger of picrochole.] "the shepherds and vine-watchers of that old giant grandgousier, may it please your majesty," answered the bunmakers. "oh! oh! oh!" roared picrochole furiously. without asking for further information or a single proof, picrochole ordered the drum to be beat around his city, commanding everybody, under pain of the halter, to appear at broad noon in the great square. then he went to dinner. while he was dining, he gave out his commissions to his officers in the army, which, when gathered together, was found to consist of sixteen thousand and fourteen bowmen, and thirty thousand and eleven infantry. to the great equerry touquedillon was given the command of the artillery, which, when mustered, numbered nine hundred and fourteen great brass cannon, culverins, catapults, and other pieces of artillery. [illustration: captain swillwind's cavalry.] when the army was all got together, a troop of light cavalry, three hundred strong, under captain swillwind, was sent forward to scour the country of the enemy, and find out what ambuscades had been laid; but they could find none. grandgousier's shepherds were still peacefully watching their grape-vines, and looking out only for the bad starlings. when the report was made that the land was clear, picrochole, all of a sudden bold, ordered a quick advance, each company marching under its own captain. without any order or discipline, the army swept over king grandgousier's fields, meeting no opposition; laying them waste; sparing neither rich nor poor; respecting no holy place; carrying away the bellowing oxen, mooing cows, roaring bulls, crying calves, bleating lambs, ewes, rams, goats, cackling hens, crowing cocks, piping chicks, goslings, ganders, geese, grunting swine, and suckling pigs; beating down the ripe walnuts; tearing up the vines, and pulling all the fruit from the trees. now and then, a frightened shepherd would crawl from his hiding-place and beg for mercy, on the ground that he and the bunmakers had always been the best neighbors together, and that it would be a shame to treat him like a foe. all the bunmakers did was to laugh at so mean-spirited a fellow, while shouting that they were bound to teach him how to eat their buns. so, like a great wave of blood, they rolled on till they reached seuilly. then the mighty army, after sacking the town, rushed, shouting like madmen, to the very walls of the great and venerable abbey of seuilly, which they found very thick, and strengthened by a huge gate made fast against them. the main body marched away towards the ford of vede, leaving seven bodies of infantry with their standards, and two hundred lancers, to break down the wall, which they did very soon, with fierce cries of "let us spoil the monks!" [illustration: spoiling the monks.] of course, the poor monks were not fighting men. and when they found their convent walls broken through and their fields at the mercy of the bunmakers, all they could think of doing was to go to their chapel, from which they intended to come forth in a solemn procession to entreat the wicked men to leave them alone. while the monks, headed by their prior himself, were singing psalms and getting ready to leave the chapel, in rushed a young monk, with flaming eyes, who had seen what was going on in the vineyard. "that's very well sung, brethren!" he shouted; "very well sung, indeed! but why don't you sing, 'good-by, basket, the vintage is over'? don't you know that those fellows are breaking down our vines, and that we shall have no good wine this year?" now this young monk, who was called friar john, was, i am afraid, looked upon by his pious brethren as rather a black sheep. he was tall, straight as an arrow, strong as a bull, a little quick of speech, skilful in all games, and as brave as a lion. so, when he looked in upon the singing monks, and found them ready to give up everything, off came his frock, and catching up a great staff near by, which was as long as a lance and as big around as the fist, he rushed out and fell upon the enemy, who were thinking of everything save the praying monks in the abbey. the flag-bearers had piled their flags all along the walls to work the better, the drummers had opened one end of their drums and stuffed them with grapes, and the very trumpets were running over with juice. [illustration: friar john attacks the bunmakers.] then it was that friar john--holding his staff high in the air--swept down upon the scattered bunmakers like a hurricane! it was "first come, first served" with friar john. the first thwack crashed through the crown of a big-headed bun-man, and brought him down. then the staff, with just a little blood on it now, went spinning around to the right and left--up and down, first on one, then another--in fact, everywhere. it broke the legs of this one, the arms of that one, and the neck of still another. it gouged the eyes, drove teeth down throats, smashed in ribs, and made jaws crack. if any one wanted to hide between the thick vines, friar john was sure to spy him out and bring him to the ground with a broken back. if any one wanted to run away, the terrible staff would reach him, and he would fall, shouting: "i surrender!" when the slaughter had gone on for some time, friar john stopped, and for good reason; for, looking around him, he could no longer see a single bunmaker standing on his feet, and he was only giving wild blows in the air. then he rested, and it was found that he had, with his single arm, killed the whole army which had remained behind in the vineyards of the convent, numbering thirteen thousand six hundred and twenty-two men. but friar john had struck down some other things besides the army, and these were the purple vines loaded with the rich and juicy grapes, which made the delicious convent wine famous throughout all the land. after all, the rascal bunmakers _had_ spoiled the vintage! [illustration: friar john to the rescue.] chapter xv. how old king grandgousier received the news. [illustration: initial w.] while friar john was cracking skulls, and breaking limbs, and flattening noses, and ramming teeth down throats, picrochole, king of lerne, had, with his bunmakers and in the greatest haste, crossed the ford of vede and ordered the town of roche-clermaud to surrender, which did not make him wait long before opening its gates to him. we shall leave him there while we see how king grandgousier had received the news of this sudden war. one rainy evening, the fine old gentleman happened to be in a very good humor. he was, as usual after supper, seated warming his knees, which were somewhat rheumatic, before a blazing fire; and, while waiting for the chestnuts to be roasted to a turn, was passing the time by writing on the red hearth with a burnt stick and making queen gargamelle laugh by telling his funny stories of old times. while he was in the very midst of one of these funny old stories, and the chestnuts were smelling as if they wanted to be eaten, here comes a servant to tell king grandgousier that one of his shepherds was down in the court-yard begging to see him. "what does the varlet want?" asked the old king. he didn't mean to be angry, but his surprise made his big voice sound very loud and very gruff. "to see your majesty." "and what does he want to see my majesty for? but bring him up. i shan't know any sooner by waiting for thee to tell me." who should it be but one of the very shepherds, who had been watching the vines and the rich purple grapes when the trouble began? he was full of it,--so brimming full that he could hardly speak for his eagerness to tell all he knew. at last, he managed to let the king know what the bad bunmakers of lerne had done with his subjects' vineyards; how the wicked king picrochole had been running over his lands, doing pretty much what he liked in the way of burning houses, sacking towns, and tramping down vines; and how he was, just at this time, shutting the gates of roche-clermaud against his majesty. [illustration: picrochole's army.] it was sad to see how the old giant received this bad news. he was the kindest and friendliest of neighbors to all the kings around him. he had never been known to go to war with any of them, and no neighbor had ever once thought before of going to war with him. what the good old man liked was peace, so that he could, every day after supper, eat roasted chestnuts, and tell fine stories of old times, while writing with a burnt stick on the red hearth. "_holos! holos!_" cried grandgousier; "what is all this, good people? am i dreaming? or is this really true that i hear? can picrochole, the dear friend of my youth, close to me in blood and alliance, mean to war against me and my people? who leads him on? who has induced him to do this? ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! may he believe me when i say that i have never done any harm to him or his people! on the contrary, i have helped him whenever he wanted money; and that was very often. ho! ho ho! my good people, my friends, and all my faithful servants, i cannot prevent your coming to my aid. _las!_ i am getting old. all my life i have worked for peace. now i must have war. _las! las!_" while saying all this, he roared in his despair, without knowing it, so fiercely that the chestnut-roasters ran away in their fright, leaving their chestnuts to pop and burn on the griddles. only the council remained, who always made it a point to be present at supper. king grandgousier at once called the council together for special deliberation, by inviting them to sit at the supper-table without eating, and talk about affairs. after three hours of close debate, two points were fully agreed on:-1. to send an army to picrochole to treat about matters. 2. to write to prince gargantua. it was further resolved to send ulrich gallet, the very next day, with five carts full of buns, with instructions to tell picrochole that the old king was willing to give these _five cart-loads_ of buns to make good those _five dozen buns_ which had been taken by his shepherds. [illustration: grandgousier writes to gargantua.] then grandgousier wrote a letter to gargantua, telling about the war on his hands, in which he said: "my resolve is not to provoke, rather to pacify; but, if assailed, to defend myself. come, my gargantua, my well-beloved, come! thy father wants thee!" by this time the chestnuts were all burnt black, and there wasn't a single spark to be seen among the ashes. chapter xvi. how grandgousier tried to buy peace with five cart-loads of buns. [illustration: initial k.] king picrochole must have been a very mean man. you will begin to think so when you know how he treated ulrich gallet, who was sent by good old father grandgousier to make peace. ulrich left the palace with five cart-loads of splendid buns, four of these carts being for the bunmakers, and the fifth and last cart being filled to the brim with buns good enough to make any one's mouth water, being made of the purest butter, the most delicious honey, the freshest eggs, and the richest saffron and other spices ever known. as ulrich went along the high-road, people would curl up their noses in delight, take two or three long sniffs, and then cry out: "ah! that last cart is the best of all." "yes," ulrich would answer; "the buns in that cart are sent by king grandgousier to marquet himself." "who is marquet?" "why, don't you know that he is the man who struck our friend forgier across the shins and got beaten by our shepherds? his majesty has given me seven hundred thousand and three gold crowns for him to pay the surgeon who nursed his wounds." "oh! how good a king we have!" "yes, and, what is more, his majesty offers to give marquet and his heirs an apple-orchard forever, so dearly does he love peace." "was there ever such a king as ours!" cried the people on the road, sending ulrich on with another cart-load of blessings for each mile, so that by the time he reached king picrochole's court there must have been quite a train of carts. [illustration: grandgousier's embassy.] when ulrich got near roche-clermaud, he began to fear that he wouldn't be allowed to get into it unless he could first show that he and his carts were the best of friends. so, just before reaching the limits, he placed all around his carts a great store of reeds, canes, and willow-boughs, and took good care to have every one of the drivers decorated with the same, which made them look very friendly, indeed. so great was ulrich's desire to appear like a friend that he even held a branch of each in his own hand. at this sight, the people of lerne did not curl up their noses with quite so much delight, nor take quite so many sniffs, as the good shepherds who had already been enjoying the fragrance of the buns. but, without minding cross words and sour looks, master ulrich gallet at last reached the gates of king picrochole's palace. picrochole did not want either to let him come in, or go out to meet him, but sent word to him, instead, to tell what he had to say to captain touquedillon. then the good man, clearing his throat, said:-"my lord, to take away all cause for any further trouble, and to remove any excuse for your master and mine not becoming once more the best of friends, i have brought with me the buns about which all this trouble began. our people took from yours five dozen buns. good!--your people were well paid for them. we love peace so dearly that we bring you five carts full of buns for the five dozen which we took. one of these is for marquet, and, besides that, here are seven hundred thousand and three gold crowns for him, and also a deed to him and his heirs forever of one of our best apple-orchards. let us live in peace hereafter, and do you return to your own country and leave this city, to which you have no right, as you yourself know." now, this captain touquedillon was a snakish sort of man; and when he heard honest ulrich talk he went straight to picrochole, and coiled and twisted what he had heard in such a way that poor ulrich, could he have heard it, wouldn't have known it to be his own. the snakish captain added that they had got into a trap in roche-clermaud, and that those five carts had come in the very nick of time for the starving soldiers. "you say well," cried picrochole, "seize the buns the rascal has brought!" "and the money?" "seize that too!" then captain touquedillon, without further ado, sent his men out of the gate to take the money, the buns, the oxen, and the carts. good ulrich returned to grandgousier, and told him all these things. this made the gentle old giant very sad. he stopped telling stories of old times, and took no more pleasure in roasted chestnuts. he saw that there must be a war, and a bitter one. he ceased to talk, and was always sighing. all that he ever would say, after long hours of silence and sighs, was:-"ho, there! has my boy gargantua come yet?" chapter xvii. how gargantua, with a big tree, broke down a castle and passed the ford of vede. [illustration: initial g.] gargantua was a good son if ever there was one. the minute he read his father's letter begging him to come home, he ordered his great mare to be bridled and saddled. it was less than thirty minutes after this that he was galloping on the road along with wise old ponocrates, his faithful squire gymnaste, and the pretty little page eudemon. this certainly was not a very strong escort, but gargantua's single arm was worth an army. the servants followed slowly with his baggage, books, and philosophical instruments. having got as far as parillé, they were told how picrochole had taken roche-clermaud, and how his men had been robbing and pillaging everywhere, and had been frightening everybody so much that nobody was brave enough to tell on them. another piece of news gargantua heard at parillé. this was that one of picrochole's fiercest officers, captain tripet, had been sent to take possession of several points near the ford of vede. "ho! ho! ho!" cried gargantua. "let us ride, then, as fast as we can to the ford of vede." "no, prince," said ponocrates; "what i would advise you to do is to ride on a few miles farther, to the house of the lord of vauguyon. he is an old friend of your royal father, and can give us better counsel than we can get in this place." "well, then, so be it," said gargantua. the whole party galloped swiftly to vauguyon, where they were received with open gates and a steaming supper. after wine had been drunk, and the lord of vauguyon had settled down to talk, gargantua was told that all that had been said was true. picrochole's soldiers were both at roche-clermaud and the ford of vede. on hearing this, the prince would not wait to sleep, so anxious was he to rush to the help of his good old father. the lord of vauguyon tried to keep him in the castle until after a great storm, which then threatened, was over. it was of no use, gargantua would hear nothing. "to your saddles, gentlemen!" he cried. "it is at the ford we shall hunt picrochole's mannikins!" [illustration: gargantua hurries home.] once more mounted on his great mare he started for the ford. his lips were pressed close, and his eyes glared fiercely down from a height greater than that of the tallest trees. "his highness is very angry," ponocrates whispered to gymnaste. (for the first time he was afraid of his pupil.) "his highness is awful mad," gymnaste whispered to eudemon. on getting near the ford, what should gargantua do but tear up a fine and stately tree which he found growing by the roadside, stripping its branches and leaves till he made it a bare pole of enormous length and strength. "just what i have been looking for!" he said to himself; "this tree will serve me both as staff and lance." all this was being done under a fearful tempest of rain. the storm had burst, as the lord of vauguyon had foreseen. ponocrates could hardly sit on his horse, for the heavy drops fell like so much lead; dainty little eudemon was quite crushed, and could only keep himself from falling by clasping his horse's neck; and all gymnaste could do to keep his spirits up and his blood warm was, every now and then, to turn somersaults on the back of his horse, stand on his head, on the tip of his thumb, and skip from side to side like a monkey. all this time gargantua, seated on his great mare, did not feel the rain any more than if it was not roaring and hissing around him, filling all the streams along the road, and making a deluge around the ford. [illustration: gymnaste warms himself.] he was soon to see, however, that if he himself, being a giant, could stand this sudden flood, smaller men could not. the first thing he heard on going a little farther, from some people who were running to the high grounds for safety, was that the ford was all swollen, and that thousands of men had been drowned in it. he could not understand this,--of course he could not, being a giant,--but what he did understand better was what that sly little page eudemon, who had galloped ahead to get shelter from the rain, told him. the news eudemon brought was that picrochole's men were in a castle this side of the ford, and that before his master could hope to reach it he must take the castle, or they would take him. [illustration: the castle of roche-clermaud.] in a little while they came near the castle. the great, gloomy building seemed deserted. not a face was to be seen either from window or turret. riding alone to the front of it, gargantua shouted out at the top of his voice to those inside:-"are you there, or are you not? if you are there, don't stay! if you are not there, i shall have all this trouble for nothing." all the answer a bold cannoneer, who had not been seen, and who was watching behind the ramparts, gave, was, after taking aim point-blank, to fire his cannon off, the ball furiously striking gargantua on the right temple, but for all that not hurting him in the least. [illustration: cannonading gargantua.] "what is that?" he shouted. "how, are those fellows throwing grape-seeds at us? if they are, the harvest will cost them dear," thinking that the balls were only grape-seeds. on hearing his words--they could have been heard a mile off--those in the castle rushed pell-mell to the towers and ramparts, and fired more than nine thousand and twenty-five shots from their falcons and arquebuses, aiming each shot straight at gargantua's head, which towered high above the ramparts. the guns were well pointed, and the balls hit the giant so often that they began to bother him. "look here, ponocrates, my friend," he called to ponocrates, who had just come up; "these flies are blinding my eyes! jump down, please, and get me the biggest branch you can find to drive them away." all this time, he was fully convinced that the leaden balls and the big stones hurled from the artillery were so many flies. [illustration: gargantua destroys the castle.] giants are always very hard-headed, and sometimes as simple as they are hard-headed. ponocrates, who knew better than that, told him what it was that was falling around him. then, for the first time, gargantua got really mad. he raised his big tree in proper position, and, turning the head of his mare well towards the castle, rushed furiously against the walls, tearing down all the towers and buttresses, and laying them in ruins on the ground. not one of all those in the castle, who had been laughing and making gargantua their target from the ramparts, escaped. paying no more attention to the ruins he went on to the mill-bridge, and found all the ford, swollen by the rain, covered over with corpses, and in such number that the dead bodies had actually caused the water of the mill to stop running. standing on the bank the party waited a bit, not at all liking to ride over dead men. that skipping monkey, gymnaste, was the first to cross. he loudly swore that his horse was afraid of nothing, and that at home the beast never could get his feed without first stepping over a stuffed body, always put for that purpose in his way. this satisfied the others, who soon crossed after gymnaste, and gargantua and his great mare slowly followed, last of all. chapter xviii. how gargantua combed cannon-balls out of his hair, and how he ate six pilgrims in a salad before supper. [illustration: initial g.] grandgousier's palace was not far from the ford. in a very short time after leaving the river gargantua galloped into the court-yard, where he was joyfully welcomed by the old king himself. you may imagine how he laughed, and then cried, and then laughed once more, loud and long, over his big son, for whom he had been so anxiously waiting. but the laughter lived after the tears. a queer thing happened after everybody had got comfortably seated. gargantua, feeling a little warm after his ride, had already washed himself and put on some clean clothes, for he had learned to be a neat man ever since ponocrates had given him that mysterious dose. he was now combing his thick hair, in a lazy sort of a way, with his own comb, which had been specially made in africa for the young prince on his tenth birthday. it was very large,--larger, in fact, than any comb that had ever before passed through a giant's hair. each tooth was an elephant's tusk, taken just as it had stood in the elephant's jaw. every time gargantua passed the comb through his locks, half a dozen of those balls which had stuck there when he was going through the wood of vede would drop on the floor with a clattering noise. the amazement of good father grandgousier, who had his glasses off and was nearly blind without them, when he heard these cannon-balls tumbling down from his son's head on the floor, was something worth seeing. [illustration: gargantua combs his hair.] "ho! ho! ho! my good son, hast thou brought fleas all this way from paris? didst thou think we had none of our own here?" when gargantua, on looking down, saw several balls at his feet, he did not know what to say. he had not felt them, and was even more puzzled than his father. but wise master ponocrates was always ready to give the best answer, in the best place, and in the wisest way, to any question asked. stooping and picking up one of the balls, he said, bowing respectfully:-"this, your majesty, is one of the cannon-balls which your son, while he was passing the wood of vede, received through the treachery of your enemies." "so that's it, is it?" cried father grandgousier. "oh! the audacious vermin, to try and shoot my only son! ho! ho! i hope not one of the rascals was allowed to escape." "all of them," answered ponocrates solemnly, "perished in the ruins." "that is just as it should be," the old king said. "now, my lords, to supper!" there never was a supper so soon ready! for, when the order had been first given, the three very fat cooks--snapsauce, hotchpotch, and braverjuice--all came forward gravely, and with their right hands on their hearts swore they would soon have the finest supper that had ever been eaten, even in the palace which was famed throughout the world for the perfection of its feasts. and such a supper as they did make! when the chief cook snapsauce was asked for an account of what he had sent up, here is the list he gave, all the while strutting like a turkey-cock; and he was just as red as one, too, as he read it,--so full of pride and of the kitchen-fire was he:- sixteen roasted beeves, three heifers, thirty-two calves, sixty-three kids, ninety-five sheep, two hundred and twenty partridges, seven hundred snipe, four hundred capons of loudunois, six thousand pullets, the same number of pigeons, six hundred young, but specially fat, pullets, fourteen hundred young hares, three hundred and three bustards. besides these domestic birds and beasts there were to be found at this wonderful feast, eleven wild boars, kindly sent by the good abbé de turpenay; eighteen red deer, the gift of the lord of grandmont; one hundred and forty pheasants, from the lord of essars; and such a number of nice things in the shape of turkeys, birds, ducks, wild geese, swans, varied by the best vegetables that could be found, the country round, as had never been known to be brought together on the same table. [illustration: and such a supper!] i have not yet told something that took place a little while before this great supper. while all were waiting for it, gargantua suddenly cried out: "ho! i feel dreadfully thirsty! somebody bring me a lettuce." father grandgousier, well pleased to grant whatever his son asked, but wanting to see him work a little for his own pleasure, answered him gaily:-"there are some very fine lettuces growing in yonder garden, my boy. if thou wantest them the best thing thou canst do is to seek them thyself. thou canst find none so tall as they in all this country." sure enough, when gargantua walked into the garden he found lettuces of all sizes; some as high as plum-trees, and others again quite as tall as walnut-trees. he cut and whacked away at his will, and picked them up in his big arms, without, for a moment, troubling himself about what might be hidden in them. now, it happened that six pilgrims, who, in coming all the way from st. sebastian, had decided to rest for the night, had chanced, unfortunately, to be taking a quiet little nap between the cabbages and lettuces of the royal garden. when they were snatched up by gargantua along with the lettuces, the poor pilgrims, only half-awake, were so frightened that they didn't dare even cough, much less say a word. [illustration: the pilgrims in the garden.] gargantua, being a fine, hearty fellow, was rather pleased with the idea of waiting on himself, and so, after carrying his lettuces to the fountain, he thought he might as well wash them, while his merry old father looked on, laughing at the joke. all this time the pilgrims, being half-drowned and in an awful fright, were whispering softly whenever they could get a chance to do so, one to the other:-"oh! what is this monster going to do with us? what is to become of us? that fountain is drowning us among all these lettuces! shall we speak? but, if we say a word, that big fellow will kill us all as spies, sure. oh! we are undone!" while the pilgrims were thus giving way to their fears, gargantua would, every now and then, whirl them around in the water along with his lettuces. then he put the mess, just as it stood, into the biggest dish in the royal household, adding oil and vinegar and salt, and mixed them all well together. he had no sooner done so than he began to eat the lettuces, and, of course, with the lettuces, to gobble up the poor pilgrims. he had already taken five of them. the sixth was still in the great dish hidden away under a lettuce and, what from the water, and what from fear, was in a cold sweat. all that appeared of him was his pilgrim's staff, which he had never stopped clutching and which peered outside of the green herbs. when father grandgousier saw the staff, he cried out to gargantua:-"i do believe that is a snail's horn under that lettuce! don't eat it." "why not, father?" answered gargantua; "thou knowest snails are good all this month." what should he do then but draw out the staff and, with it, the unhappy pilgrim, whom, without seeing,--or, for that matter, feeling,--he swallowed with the greatest ease! then he poured down his great throat a horrible draught of country wine, while saying: "that salad has given me a famous appetite! is supper ready?" we already know how the supper went off; and, of course, what we want to know now is how the pilgrims could possibly get out of a giant's mouth, having once got into it. the first thing they did, on being gobbled up, was to draw themselves out from gargantua's great teeth as well as they could, thinking all the time that they had been cast into the deepest dungeon of some frightful prison. that was bad enough; but when gargantua began to swallow his big drink, tossing the green lettuces past his teeth and sending it rushing down his throat like a sour deluge, they found themselves in a terrible fix and in danger of drowning. it was then that the poor fellows began to hop for their lives. leaping nimbly, by aid of their staffs, they succeeded at last in getting out of the throat, and finding refuge outside of gargantua's teeth. by ill luck, however, one of them, feeling here and there with his staff to know whether the country around was quite safe, gave a sudden plunge into the hollow of a bad tooth which had been troubling the giant for some time. at this, gargantua began to roar with the pain he felt. all he could think of in his agony was to call for his toothpick. when he got it, he began to prod viciously into the bad tooth. at last he grew tired, and putting his finger into his mouth, he hauled out one of the pilgrims by the leg; another by the wallet; another by his purse; another by the arm; and the poor man, who had caused all the trouble, by his neck; and threw each on the ground as one might a fish-bone. as soon as they found themselves on the ground the pilgrims, without stopping to explain how it happened that they had been found in the lettuce-field, and feeling sure that gargantua had not seen them, scampered away as fast as their legs could carry them. chapter xix. how friar john comes to the feast, and how king grandgousier had recruited his army. [illustration: initial i.] it was, of course, at this same supper, of which the three very fat cooks were so proud, that the old king, as soon as ever the company were seated, started to give the whole story of the wicked war which picrochole had made on him. when he came to that part of his story, in which he had to speak of the wonderful things friar john had done in the abbey vineyard, nothing would do but that the brave monk should be invited to the palace to receive the thanks of the whole joyous party. gargantua sent post-haste for friar john. in a little while--for the abbey was not very far off--here came the good friar on king grandgousier's own mule, with his famous staff held firmly in his right hand. when he was once fairly in the dining-room, a thousand caresses and another thousand compliments greeted him. "welcome, friar john! thou comest in good time! welcome, brave cousin!" shouted grandgousier. "we have kept your seat for you, friar john," roared both grandgousier and gargantua in a sort of giant concert. and so, at last, seated on the right hand of grandgousier, the friar was prevailed on to tell, in his own way, the story of his great fight for the abbey. nothing would do them but that everybody should jump up to see and feel for himself the glorious staff, with which so many valiant deeds had been done. then the staff was reverently placed in a corner of the room. [illustration: friar john arrives.] after supper, there was a long consultation about what ought to be done with picrochole. as is always the way, one said one thing; another unsaid it; one had a plan; some one else had something better. it was finally resolved not to wait for another day, but to start the very next midnight, which--it being now two o'clock in the afternoon--was only ten hours off. while some young men were sent out as spies to bring word what picrochole was doing, the rest began to arm themselves with breast-plate and back-plate and all the iron and steel plates they could get hold of. there was a little trouble about what friar john was to wear. they wanted to put their iron and steel stuff on him; but the brave monk wouldn't agree to it. he rushed to the corner where his staff was, grasped it with both hands, and waved it in the air, saying, "don't trouble yourselves about me, good friends. _this_ is what i saved my abbey with! i know _it_, and it knows _me_; it is good enough for _me!_ i am heart and soul with you. all i ask for is a stout horse, and you will find me with my staff by your side whenever you want me." "very well, friar," gargantua said, laughing. "every conqueror has the right to choose his weapons. _you_ are a conqueror; keep yours." when all the clocks were striking midnight, gargantua left the palace with ponocrates, friar john always carrying his staff, gymnaste, eudemon the page, and twenty-five of the most adventurous knights, all armed from head to foot, and mounted like great saint george himself, each with a stout archer behind him. these were to be followed, the next morning, by the whole army, which had been recruited in a fashion that would look very strange to-day. let me tell you how it all was! before gargantua had come back from paris, and while picrochole was still galloping with his wicked soldiers over rich fields, and trampling down fruits and vines, and cursing and cutting and slashing away, and killing just as the fancy took him, father grandgousier had sent messages to his friends and neighbors living a hundred miles around, telling them all about the war; how his son gargantua, in whom he trusted, was far away in paris, studying hard at his latin; and asking them to help him just as much as they could in money and men. it was in this way that it was made as clear as the bright sun shining in heaven at noonday, how many friends the good old giant really had. some might say all this was because he was a giant; but i think it was not so much that as because he had always, through a long life, been kind and gentle to little men. taking what one prince, and another, gave in money, father grandgousier raised among his neighbors one hundred and thirty-four million and two and a half crowns of pure gold. when he read their lists, giving the number of soldiers each one was able to lend him, he found that he would have:- 15,000 men at arms. 32,000 cavalrymen. 89,000 arquebusiers. 140,000 volunteers. that is to say, 276,000 stout soldiers, all well equipped and provisioned for six months and four days. to which were to be added:- 11,200 cannon. 47,000 double cannon, etc. the good old giant felt very grateful; but he swore, nevertheless, a round oath that there was no need for him to accept so great an army. where was he to put two hundred and seventy-six thousand soldiers? where could he store away fifty-eight thousand cannon? if he could only be sure that his gargantua would come home in time, why, he wouldn't care for any army at all! "if my boy gargantua should once get among that picrochole gang, he would scatter them over the border quicker than they ever crossed it," he was saying to himself all the time. meanwhile, that rogue picrochole was going on at such a rate with his pastime of cursing, killing, cutting, and slashing at men, and ravaging vineyards, and burning houses, that grandgousier found that he had really to do something that would strike terror. so he sent another royal messenger to his friends the princes, telling them that he would be satisfied, for the present, with 2,500 men-at-arms. 66,000 infantry. 26,000 arquebusiers. 22,000 pioneers. 6,000 light cavalry. 122,500 men, all to be well equipped and provisioned by his friends, as promised. he added, in a postscript, that all else he needed would be two hundred pieces of heavy artillery. [illustration: the advance guard starts.] "let them come at once," he said. "if my little boy should choose to stay among those wild paris lads, they may be useful. but if he once gets home, i wouldn't give that"--snapping his fat old fingers--"for the whole picrochole gang!" * * * * * for a wonder, the army got to the palace a week before gargantua reached it. [illustration: grandgousier's army.] chapter xx. gargantua's mare scores a victory. [illustration: initial t.] this was the army that followed gargantua at daybreak and came up with him at the ford of vede. gargantua was commander-in-chief in place of grandgousier, who, being old, of course stayed at home. but that was a glorious early breakfast which the old king gave to the soldiers before they left; and he made it more glorious by promising great gifts to every man who would do some wonderful act of prowess. "they will not have a chance to do anything," he whispered confidentially to his chief butler, whom he had raised to a level with his mouth. "_my boy will be there!_" the army crossed the ford in boats and on bridges lightly made over smaller boats, which dipped to the water's edge as the soldiers passed over. after a short march they came upon the city, which was placed upon a high hill. there they halted. gargantua called a council, and with his friends discussed all night what was best to be done next morning. gymnaste was the first to speak to the point. "my lord," he said, "i am in favor of attacking at once. you will do so if you know those french fellows as well as i do. they are _terrible_ foes at the first assault, when they are worse than so many devils. but if they are kept idle, and dream too long of their sweethearts and their vines, they lose heart, and become worse than so many women." gargantua was nodding approval all the time gymnaste was speaking. he was quite sure, in his own mind, that, when once _he_ would show himself on his great mare, and with his huge tree held as a lance, picrochole would lose the field. but he had no idea of putting himself forward just then. so he said nothing more than: "so be it! we advance at daylight." [illustration: mounting for the fray.] the advance-guard were stationed on the hill-side, while the main army remained on the plain. faithful friar john took with him six companies of infantry and two hundred horsemen, and, with all speed, crossed the marsh, and gained, on the highway of london, a point just above the castle. while the assault was going on, picrochole and his people didn't know at first which was better: whether to march out from the castle, resolved to conquer or to die, or to stay in the city, and let the enemy outside do their worst. at last picrochole himself grew tired. he had done nothing during the whole war but take care of his own precious body behind the walls of the city, while his officers and soldiers slashed and killed the poor subjects of grandgousier at their will. he had not heard a whisper of how gargantua had come all the way from paris, and was then actually in front. he swore roundly, over his cups, that gargantua was not there, or he would have heard of it long before. "ha! ha! giants are too big to hide themselves. victory shall be ours!" he cried. [illustration: the assault.] this was what made picrochole bold enough to make an attack. once beyond the gate, he and his army were received with such a welcome of cannon-balls that they were for a moment confused. picrochole looked around for the gargantuists; he couldn't see one of them, as friar john had taken his men back with him to the hills, so as to give the artillery room to work. encouraged by this, picrochole defended himself so bravely under the terrible fires, and advanced so steadily all the time on the guns, that the gunners were obliged to flee for their lives, and friar john himself found it hard to keep him from charging over his small force. "oh, ho! friar john," he muttered to himself, "thou thinkest thyself a fine soldier, truly! but it is high time now to call the giant." so he shouted with the full strength of his sturdy lungs:-"help! help! help! prince gargantua to the rescue!" one might live to be as old as methuselah, and never see such a change in either a general or his army as that which took place in king picrochole and his troops when they first heard the friar's cry. the guns dropped from their hands, and all they could do was to turn with white faces and staring eyes towards the opening in the wood. then appeared a fearful apparition! it was that of the giant, holding, poised as a lance, the trunk of an enormous tree stripped bare of its branches; his eyeballs swollen and blazing with anger; his legs drawn tight to the saddle, while he gave free rein to his mare, and dashed with the speed of a cyclone straight down upon them. the mare seemed as mad as the master, for smoke rolled and curled around her wide-open nostrils; she gave short and horrible neighs, as if she couldn't get to picrochole's rogues fast enough; her mane was stiff and hard, while her broad tail, streaming like a comet behind her, whisked men right and left, high into the air, and jerked down such trees as were in the way as she swept thundering down the hill. so terrible a sight changed the whole field. for a moment or two the enemy seemed stunned. but, as the dreadful mare came near and nearer, picrochole's cowardice broke the fearful spell that had come upon himself and men. "it is the giant!" he shouted; "save himself who can!" and dashed back into the open gates of the city, intending to escape, through another gate, into the country beyond. "_the mare! the mare! save us from the mare!_" was all the poor men, as they tried to follow their king, could gasp. [illustration: picrochole defends the castle.] some were lucky enough to gain the city-gates. but before gargantua could rein in his powerful steed, she had bitten and trampled many to death, to say nothing of those she had swept into the air with her great tail. gargantua had good reason to be pleased with his victory. it was a decisive one, and gained by himself alone, and the mare. he rode all over the field, petting the good mare meanwhile, and never ceasing to look among the killed for picrochole. of every officer that returned from pursuit of those who tried to escape he asked:-[illustration: the defeat of picrochole.] "hast thou caught picrochole?" no, nobody had. "with all my heart i am sorry," said gargantua, "that picrochole is not here. for i would have made this little king know that it was not for any riches or for my name that this war was made. as he is lost, let the kingdom remain with his son. but, as this child is not yet five years old, he should have governors. let ponocrates govern those governors." [illustration: the flight of picrochole.] then, under his breath, the giant muttered:-"ho! a pretty king, this picrochole, to be lost in battle." and a giant's mutter is louder than a small man's shout. chapter xxi. showing what gargantua did after the battle, and how grandgousier welcomed him home. [illustration: initial w.] when gargantua, after the battle, made his triumphant entrance into the city, it was easy enough for him to find the palace where picrochole had stopped, but not quite so easy to get hold of the king himself. and when he reached the palace, he heard that those wicked advisers and councillors of picrochole, who had done their best to keep mischief alive,--swashbuckler, durtaille, and smaltrash,--had all managed to escape helter-skelter from the city, just six hours _before_ the battle. gargantua's first duty was to order a muster of his troops, by which he learned, much to his satisfaction, that they had not suffered greatly in the battle, the four soldiers who had been killed happening to belong to the band of one of his officers, captain tolmere. he had the pleasure of shaking his old master ponocrates by the hand on his lucky escape in having his doublet, instead of his portly body, jagged by an archer's bolt. it was a mild shake, for a hearty one would have made a jelly of it. the chief treasurer was ordered to see that all his brave followers should be feasted, each with his troop, at the prince's expense. he directed, moreover, that, after the feast, the army should assemble in the great square before the palace, and receive a full six months' pay on the spot. this being joyfully done, the next order was for the assembling of all that remained of picrochole's party. all his princes and captains being present, gargantua made a speech, which was as full of wisdom as it was rich in praise of his good old father, king grandgousier. he concluded with these words, spoken in a stern voice:-"i impose on those who have wickedly attacked us but one condition. they must deliver into my hands that knave marquet, who was the groundwork of this most unjust war." [illustration: gargantua's captives.] marquet, who had been a great man all during the war, and who had strutted around, crowing and looking wise, and had been consulted, and patted on the back, and stroked on the head, ever since his fight with forgier, had been silly enough, instead of running away as fast as his legs could take him, to go to the assembly to hear what the prince had to say. the moment gargantua mentioned his name, quiet, well-to-do neighbors, who had all along been vexed at the airs he had put on,--being on every side of him,--pointed him out with their fingers, slily, wickedly whispering, "you want marquet,--there he is, that man over there!" the wretch was at once seized by a dozen strong and willing hands, and hauled and hustled about, till, at last, he stood, breathing hard, before gargantua. the giant, towering above him,--there was no chair in the palace large enough for him to sit comfortably in,--looked at him for a moment with scorn. "so it is thou who art marquet, art thou?" "yes, may it please your most gracious, most merciful highness," gasped marquet, stuttering horribly, and turning very pale. "gymnaste," said gargantua, "i make thee responsible for this wretch, and his safe delivery to our headsman for immediate execution." gymnaste, after bowing respectfully, collared marquet and marched him off. after the rogue had been borne away to the block, gargantua ordered that all who had been killed should be honorably buried in the black soil valley. for the wounded, he made ample provision in his royal hospital. to the survivors, he did no other hurt than to put them to work on the printing-presses which he had lately set up. when leaving, he graciously thanked his weather-beaten, if not war-beaten, veterans, and sent them to winter-quarters with rich gifts for each one; for, even though picrochole had run away, there was no telling but what the bunmakers might make another fight, and so it was thought wiser to keep the army together for a while. but to this rule he made special exception of those of his legions who had had the good luck, during the pursuit, of doing some gallant deed. there were a good many of those brave soldiers who had marched, rank upon rank, after the staff of the giant himself, and had done some brave action upon picrochole's men, while their master's great mare was switching her terrible tail, and knocking men down with the right whisk and the left, and driving from the field all who were lucky enough to get out of her way. [illustration: rewarding the army.] the giant breathed a rumbling sigh of relief at getting through so much hard work. "i start for home at daybreak," he said. "let my staff and these brave men, worthy of laurels, follow me." the distance between roche-clermaud and the palace of his father was not so very great; so that, leaving at daybreak the next day, gargantua, with his staff and a long line of the brave officers and soldiers who had done such good service, following, reached the palace very leisurely by sundown. it was a joyful day when father grandgousier, who, since gargantua had left, seated so grandly on his great mare, had been all the time praying for his safety, was told by the sentinels at the gate that the prince, with a large retinue, was coming near. the old man at once hastened, in high glee, as fast as his gouty feet could carry him, to the court-yard, so as to be ready to receive his son. the moment gargantua rode in through the gateway, grandgousier shouted out:-"ho! ho! ho! ho! so thou art there, my boy! come quickly to thy father's arms!" even while he was saying these words he was whispering aside to snapsauce, the very fattest of the three very fat cooks:-"get up, thou rogue, within two hours, the finest supper that has ever gone down mortal throats since the days of my cousin king ahasuerus! my boy has come back a conqueror!" gargantua had already leaped down from his mare and had rushed towards his father. it was truly a meeting of giants, which the little men around could only manage to see by craning their necks in the air. after embracing, grandgousier and gargantua passed up the broad stone stairs which led to the main hall. they had not long to wait upon the three very fat cooks, who, by the way, had sent out messengers miles and miles along the road by which their young master was to come, and had known half a day before father grandgousier himself did, the very hour when the prince would reach the palace. cunning very fat cooks!--they had only to send up the finest supper that had ever been seen since the days of king ahasuerus, which had been all ready to be served long before the king had even thought of ordering it. everybody was in good humor, none more so than the jovial old king himself. when the huge table was cleared of all its rich viands and its sparkling wines, and the guests were about leaving the hall, grandgousier distributed to each of the deserving soldiers the ornaments on the sideboard, which, in the mass, weighed eight hundred thousand and fourteen golden besants worth in great antique vases, rich pots, basins, superb cups, goblets, candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such golden plate. in addition to this princely gift, grandgousier caused to be counted out from the royal coffers, to each hero, twelve hundred thousand golden crowns; and, as a further mark of his special favor, he directed that to such as he named should be granted, in perpetuity for themselves and their heirs, if they should happen to have any, certain castles and neighboring lands. to master ponocrates, he gave roche-clermaud. to gymnaste, le coudray. to eudemon, montpensier. and so on with the favorites. "ho! ho! my boy!" suddenly cried father grandgousier, tapping his big forehead with his mighty finger. "we have forgotten some one, and him our bravest, too!" "whom?" "why, our gallant friar." "oh! as for friar john, trust him to me, father. _i_ shall take care of him!" "what wilt thou do, my boy?" "what will i do? why, i shall build for him a monastery a hundred times more magnificent than those convents at bonnivet, chambourg, and chantilly, that are the boast of the world. our friar shall be the abbot of theleme and he will make a famous abbot, too!" [illustration: the wonderful winding stairway.] and so gargantua built for his friend friar john a monastery greater than the convent at bonnivet, and the convent at chambourg, and the convent at chantilly; for his had nine thousand, three hundred and thirty-two chambers. but its greatest beauty, after all, was a wonderful winding stairway, up which six men-at-arms might ride abreast, with their six lances at rest, to the very top of the abbey. chapter xxii. grandgousier's death.--gargantua's marriage.--pantagruel is born. [illustration: initial a.] after the war of the bunmakers, all the kings and princes and nobles, for hundreds of miles around, came to congratulate the two mighty giants. it was a time of royal feasting, and the palace smelt more strongly of old, rich, dead dinners and suppers than ever before. for a whole year, its walls rang with laughter and joyous shouts, and then the kings and princes, nobles and friends, took to horse and returned to their homes, leaving grandgousier and gargantua in peace, with the love of all their subjects and the respect of their neighbors, for many happy years, over which there was but one cloud, the death of the kind old queen gargamelle. during all these years, more than i can now tell, grandgousier was, of course, getting old, and at last grew so weak that he was forced to take to his bed. "gargantua, my boy, thou art already getting on in years," the old man said one day, after a fit of weakness, when he felt that he could not long live. "why dost thou not marry, my son?" "to tell the truth, father, i have never once thought of marrying. thou hast been so good to me that thou hast driven all thoughts of women away from me. yet, if thou sayest the word, then shall i seek a wife." "seek, then, my boy, the princess badebec, the beautiful daughter of my good friend, the king of the amaurotes, in utopia. make her thy wife if thou lovest thy father. and thy father's blessing will be on thee forever!" the good old king had scarcely whispered the last word when he feebly placed his hand on the head of gargantua, who was kneeling by the bed. then he stretched out to his full giant-length, gave a deep sigh of content, and died. gargantua was then at an age which would, in our day, be looked upon as quite venerable. he was just five hundred and twenty-one years old on the day when he buried his father. he mourned him two years to the very month, day, hour, and minute. at the end of the last year, he charged his prime minister with a solemn proposal of marriage to the charming princess badebec. none so lovely as the princess badebec had, up to that time, ever been seen outside of utopia. gargantua was five hundred and twenty-three years old when his nuptials with the princess were celebrated in great state, and he had just turned his five hundred and twenty-fifth year, when he had at once the great joy of hearing that he had a son, and the deep sorrow of losing his dear wife, the lovely queen badebec herself. the babe first saw the light at a time when there was such a drought over the whole land that there had been no rain for three years, three weeks, four days, and thirteen hours. but to understand clearly the reason why the little fellow was christened pantagruel, it should be said that, during the awful drought, the sun glared down so fiercely on the baked earth that all the country around became barren. never had there been felt such heat as then. there was not to be found a tree on which a leaf or flower could be coaxed to grow; the grass was sickly and yellow; the rivers seemed to vie the one with the other in laying bare their sandy beds; the fountains ran dry; the poor fish, with no water to keep them alive, floundered gasping in the muddy sand, until they died; the birds, little and big, some giving the shrillest of despairing shrieks, others the most plaintive of dying twitterings, all dropped dead in mid-air for very want of dew; and wolves, foxes, stags, wild boars, deer, hares, rabbits, weasels, and such other beasts as were unfortunate enough to roam about the forests, were to be found stiff in the fields, by the side of streams long dried up, and of fountains which no longer ran, with their red and swollen throats and mouths gaping wide open. [illustration: the dreadful drought.] but it was, after all, the poor men and women who were to be most pitied during all this awful time. they were to be found everywhere, with their tongues hanging out like those of hares which have run before the hounds for hours. the hot glare of the sun, and the horrible thirst, turned these poor people half-crazy. some would throw themselves into wells, hoping to find water in their dark depths. others would creep under the bellies of such cows as were still living, declaring, with a sickly smile, they were going there to get into the shade. of course everybody flocked to the churches; people always do in a time of great trouble. it was really pitiful to see the eager way the worshippers rushed to the font where the holy water was kept. but to think that in doing so they only wanted to dip their fingers reverently into the blessed water, and to cross themselves piously, would be far from the truth. what each worshipper went to the church for was only to see if he couldn't scoop all the holy water in the font into a pitcher he kept under his cloak, as a drink for himself and his family, who had squeezed in as near after him as they could. it was a fight every day between the priests and such selfish church-goers; but the priests always got the better in the fight, as was right, since the holy water was meant for the comfort of penitent sinners, who sought the church for humble worship, not for the use of thirsty sinners, who only came there to quarrel and steal. it was towards the close of this awful parching time, when the people were most thirsty, and the deepest wells were empty, and the brightest fountains had run dry, and all the birds of the air and all the forest beasts were dead, and there was a general cry everywhere of "we are dying of thirst! water! water!" that gargantua's baby pantagruel was born. this was a very good name, for it was given on account of this dry time. gargantua had, while in paris, studied only a little greek, while he had studied much latin, under master ponocrates. he chose, therefore, from the greek language one-half of the name for his son, viz.: panta, which is the greek for _all_, and the other half gruel, which is an arabian word, meaning _thirsty_. therefore, baby pantagruel was only another name for baby _all-thirsty_; and he well deserved the name, since it was soon found that nobody could come near the young prince without feeling thirsty. it matters not how pantagruel got his name. he was the same kind of baby that his father had been before him, and was pronounced by all to be a marvellous young giant, indeed. the wise women took charge of him upon his birth, and after washing and dressing him, while gravely wagging their old gray heads, with their skinny fingers to their noses, muttered darkly, the one to the other:-"our young prince is born all hairy like a bear! he will do wonderful things, and, if he lives, he will surely reach old age!" chapter xxiii. the strange things pantagruel did as a baby. [illustration: initial g.] gargantua hardly knew whether he ought to cry because his beloved queen badebec was dead, or laugh because his son pantagruel was alive. "my good wife is dead, who was the most _this_ and the most _that_, which ever was in the world," he would blubber at one time. "ha! badebec, my wife, i shall never see thee again! thou hast left me, my pet, forever! ah! my poor pantagruel, thou hast lost thy good mother, thy sweet nurse. _holos!_" the poor giant burst into tears, which flowed down his cheeks as large as ostrich-eggs, and he cried like a cow. then his humor would change, and he fell to laughing like a calf. "ho! ho! my little son, how pretty thou art, and how grateful i should be to god that he has given me such a son. ho! ho! ho! how glad i am! let us drink! throw melancholy out of the window; bring here the best wines; rinse the glasses; lay the cloth; drive away the dogs; blow up that fire; light the candles; shut the door; skim the soup; call in the beggars, and give them what they want! i ought to be happy,--i _am_ happy. ho! ho! ho!" poor old giant! he was very proud, but he was very wretched all the same. [illustration: the funeral of queen badebec.] it would be a wonderful thing to tell how quickly pantagruel grew in body and in strength. all the old-world talk about "hercules in his cradle killing the two serpents" was nothing to boast of, because _his_ snakes happened to be both small and weak. but pantagruel, in his cradle, did things much more astonishing. just think of his needing, as a baby, at every meal, the milk of four thousand six hundred cows! when it became necessary to order a kettle for him in which to boil his milk it took all the braziers of saumure, in anjou; of villedieu, in normandy; of bramart, in lorraine, to make it. they used to give him soup in a great bell, which was long to be seen at bruges, in berry, near the palace, with a hole in it. how did that hole ever get there? why, in the easiest way possible! baby pantagruel's teeth were already so big, and sharp, and strong, that, in his eagerness to get at the broth, he made a quick snap at the metal and broke through it, as though it were as flimsy as an egg-shell. [illustration: pantagruel's porringer.] another morning, at daybreak, when one of the four thousand six hundred cows, which gave him his principal food, was brought in to give him his breakfast, pantagruel burst the bands which bound his arms, and caught hold of that poor cow to eat her alive; and he would have, without doubt, eaten her all up if she hadn't bellowed as loudly as though a pack of wolves were just at that moment striking their teeth in her legs. at the poor cow's cries, everybody ran up and released her from the giant baby's awful teeth. such an offence as trying to eat alive an innocent cow, which had done her best, among her four thousand five hundred and ninety-nine companions, to give him milk, could not pass unnoticed. gargantua, although, away down in his own heart, he was proud of his little son's strength, grew very much afraid that, in some of his antics, he might hurt himself. he at once ordered pantagruel to be bound to the cradle with great cables, and directed that, on no account, he should be allowed to get free from them. here, then, was our poor pantagruel in a bad fix! baby as he was, he often felt very wretched; but never more wretched than when a great, shaggy bear, which was a special pet of his father, made it a point of politeness to drop in every day and, with his dirty tongue, to lick his face, which, on the other hand, the wise women made a point never to touch. that bear came once too often. pantagruel, being in a bad humor one particular day, and feeling the rough, furred tongue licking all over and over his face, gave one tremendous jerk, and broke his chains as easily as samson had broken those of the philistines. then he stretched out his hairy hands, and caught master bear, and tore him into pieces with as much ease as he might have done a chicken. this new exploit made gargantua still prouder of his son; but it was high time that something should be done with him. so he ordered to be made four great iron chains to hold him fast. one day a feast was given by king gargantua in honor of the princes and nobles of his court. it is pretty clear that all the great people, not to speak of the servants, had their time so well taken with the feast, that nobody ever thought it his business to bother himself about the little prince, away upstairs in the nursery. if pantagruel hated any one thing above another, that one thing was to be left by himself. what made it all the worse this time was that there he was in his cradle, closely chained, and obliged to listen to the gay sounds that swelled up, every now and then, from the dining-room. the poor child felt lonely. he tried to burst the chains which bound his arms to his cradle; but that he couldn't do, because they had been forged too strong and stout by the royal blacksmith. then he began such a stamping with his feet that he broke the foot-board of his cradle, which was made of a great beam seven feet square. the moment he had succeeded in getting his feet quite out of the broken end, he slid forward as far as the chains would let him, until at last his feet touched the floor. then, with a great wrench, he raised himself on his feet, bearing his cradle triumphantly on his back, which made him look for all the world like a turtle, with his shell, trying to climb a wall. such was the strange sight which, on presenting itself in the banqueting hall, startled the gay company. pantagruel walked straight to the table, where he at first thought he would need no assistance; but he soon found himself obliged--not being, of course, able to use his hands--to lean forward, and lick up with his tongue any tidbit that he could find near the edge of the table. when his father saw how hungry he was, he knew well enough that his baby never would have broken through his cradle, and tramped down the stairs with it on his back, unless he had been left alone by his nurses. turning to the princes and lords present, he asked them if it was not better that his boy should be freed from those heavy chains. the guests, with one voice, declared that the chains were an insult to the young prince; and even the first physician gave it as his opinion that, if pantagruel were to be kept any longer fastened in such a way to his cradle, he would all his life be a cripple. [illustration: pantagruel carries his cradle.] the moment he was unchained pantagruel sat down at the table, and was made much of by every guest. such a welcome soon made him feel quite at home, and he showed it by breaking, with one blow of his fist, that ugly cradle into more than five hundred thousand pieces, vowing to himself--he couldn't well say the words--that he would never be found in it again--never! never! never! chapter xxiv. after studying at several universities pantagruel goes to paris. [illustration: initial s.] pantagruel grew, from day to day, in health, and stature, and strength, which, of course, gave great delight to his father. gargantua ordered to be made for his son, while he was still small, a cross-bow, with which he could make himself merry in shooting at the little birds, and which is kept to this day, and is known as the great cross-bow of chantelle. it was not long after this that pantagruel was sent off to school at poitiers, under the charge of his tutor epistemon, where he showed himself a diligent scholar. [illustration: the great cross-bow of chantelle.] just before they left, while his son was getting into the saddle, good father gargantua had taken epistemon on his arm for a few words of private talk. all he said, in a solemn whisper, was: "teach my boy, first of all, greek; secondly, latin. my father cared for nothing so much as latin. if i knew greek half so well as i know my latin, i should be happy." [illustration: the great raised stone.] having noticed that the students of poitiers had often so much time on their hands that they did not know how to get rid of it, and being a good-hearted young giant, pantagruel thought he would take pity on them and devise some plan to help them. so, one fine day, he tore from a great ledge of rocks, which the people of the town called passelourdin, a large stone, about twelve fathoms square, and carried it in his strong arms with the greatest ease to four pillars which then stood in the middle of a field, upon which, by sheer force, he placed the stone. none of the young students had the slightest idea why the giant of whom they were so proud had robbed big passelourdin, but it was not long before they began to do precisely what pantagruel had thought they would do. whenever they had nothing else to think about--which, by the way, happened the greater part of every day--they would fill up the time by climbing up to the stone, bearing with them flagons of wine and hams and pies, upon which they feasted with loud shouts of laughter, each one being sure to wind up his first day's fun by cutting his name deep into the surface of the stone. by and by, it began to be talked about as the "raised stone." and, for a long time, no student was allowed to graduate at the university of poitiers unless he had first solemnly sworn that he had drunk in the magical fountain of croustelles, had taken a walk to passelourdin, and had from there climbed to the top of the "raised stone." [illustration: pantagruel visits his ancestor's tomb.] while the students were making merry over their new game, pantagruel was poring harder than ever over dusty old tomes in the library of the university. one day, while he was reading the fine chronicles of his ancestors, he happened to turn over the page which told him of the famous giant jeffrey of lusignan, nicknamed "jeffrey of the great tooth," who was buried at maillezais, near by. what should pantagruel do but choose a play-day to pay his respects to the sepulchre of the old giant! taking some friends along with him he soon reached maillezais. all the way to the tomb he had been thinking of nothing but how he would do it honor; but, when he got there, his eyes seemed glued to a picture of his big-toothed ancestor, which was hanging on the wall. it wasn't a cheerful portrait, i must say, for it made old jeffrey of the great tooth look like a man in an awful fury and with a horrible toothache, half-drawing his great malchus out of its scabbard. the moment pantagruel saw this, he grew half afraid and half angry. pointing sternly to the picture, he said:-"he has not been painted in this way without cause. see how his eyes glare, and how his great tooth seems to come out in pain. why should he draw his malchus? i suspect that, at his death, some wrong was done to him which he looks to his kindred to avenge. i shall look deeper into this matter, and do what i shall think to be right." [illustration: pantagruel settles at orleans.] after having done a good turn for his fellow-students at poitiers, pantagruel resolved to visit the other universities of france. he did not like bordeaux very much, so he soon went to toulouse. here he learned to dance and to use the two-handed sword,--a special exercise with the students of that university. but he decided he wouldn't stay any longer at toulouse after he had occasion to see how the students had sometimes a little trick of their own of roasting their regents alive, like so many red herrings. so he strode off to montpellier, where he met pleasant company, and began to think, one day, that he ought to study medicine, and the next, that the law was, after all, the only thing for him; but he soon grew tired of all this and, journeying from university to university, at last settled himself after a time at orleans. here he was made welcome with joyous shouts and much respect; and, as the students were none too fond of their books, pantagruel took great pains to become a master at tennis,--the favorite game of the city. after several years passed at orleans, he consulted with epistemon about going to the great university of paris. it was a glorious day for him--and i dare say the sober teacher himself, under all his wise look, was just as pleased as his pupil--when the journey was at last decided on. but, before leaving, the giant was told that an enormous bell, belonging to the city of orleans, had been lying under the ground at saint aignan for more than two hundred and fourteen years, as it was so big and heavy that no engine--much less, men--could be found strong enough to move it from its place. the fact is, the good people of orleans, having heard that the giant was thinking of leaving them for good, came before him, humbly praying him, before his departure, to bring that great bell to the tower which had been waiting ever so many years for it. pantagruel, with his usual kindness, went to the spot where the bell was, and lifted it as easily as if it had been a hawk's bell. as he was quite sure of his own strength, pantagruel thought that, before carrying the bell to the belfry, he would take a stroll about the city with it in his hands, making it ring in the streets and by-ways. of course everybody in orleans--man, woman, boy, girl; even the babies, who didn't know what they were smiling at, but showed their little white teeth and dimpling cheeks all the same--were all out, crowding the streets and jostling in the by-ways. but here, while our pantagruel was amusing himself and while the ringing was sounding through the city, there came a terrible misfortune, of which nobody had the slightest idea at the time. it was only found out at night, when the simple people wanted to drink in honor of the great event, that all the good wine of orleans had of a sudden curdled and turned sour. it was the awful strokes of that tremendous bell in pantagruel's hand, as he tramped up and down the streets, which had curdled the orleans wine, and made the honest people who drank it spit as white as cotton, crying out: "we have caught the pantagruel, and our very throats are salted." [illustration: pantagruel enters paris.] after this exploit pantagruel, with epistemon, and his valet carpalim, was very glad to start for paris. on entering that city, all the people stretched their heads out of the windows to see him pass; peering down at his feet as he tramped through the streets, and then, with their mouths wide open, craning their necks to see how high in the clouds his head might be. they were just a little afraid, in their curiosity, that their visitor might take up their king's palace and stalk away with it, as his father gargantua, whom every old woman had seen and of whom every child had heard, had carried away, years and years before, the bells of _nôtre dâme_ to hang them around his mare's neck. "clear enough, this young giant is the old giant's son," the gossips whispered to each other. [illustration: pantagruel in the library.] while in paris, pantagruel--as was the fashion for young men to do--went one day to see the world-famous victor library. there he found books with high titles on the covers, and no sense between them. one look at the shelves of the victor library was enough for the prince. after a few months passed in paris--studying and gaining great stores of knowledge all the time,--pantagruel, in reply to one who asked him what he thought of the city, answered drily, that while "_paris was a very good place to live in, it was a very bad place to die in._" chapter xxv. pantagruel finds panurge, whom he loves all his life. [illustration: initial o.] one day pantagruel was strolling outside the city-walls towards the abbey st. antoine. while engaged in philosophical talk with his own people, and several students besides, he happened to see, coming along the road, a young man of fine height and handsome presence, who looked so bloody and so woebegone, and whose clothes hung around him in such tatters and rags, that he seemed to have barely escaped with his life from a pack of mad dogs. as soon as his eyes fell upon the man, pantagruel said to his attendants:-"do you see that man yonder, coming from charanton bridge? by my faith, he is poor only in fortune. as far as i can judge by his features, nature has given that man a rich and noble lineage." when the stranger had come up to them, pantagruel said to him: "my good friend, i beg you to stop a moment, and answer a few questions which i am about to ask you. you will not repent it if you do so, as i feel a strange desire to aid you in the distress in which i see you, for you excite my pity. before all, my friend, tell me who you are? where do you come from? what do you seek? and what is your name?" the stranger then answered him:-in german-to which pantagruel, not knowing a single word, replied:-"my friend, i don't quite understand this gibberish. if you want us to get at your meaning, speak to us in another language." then the stranger spoke:-in arabic-"ha! do you know what he is saying, master?" cried pantagruel to epistemon. epistemon's answer was a shake of the head. then in italian-to which master epistemon only said: "as much of one as of the other, and nothing of either." then the solitary wanderer spoke:-in english-what he said in a very strange english was: "lord, if you be so vertuous of intelligence, as you be naturally releaved to the body, you should have pity of me; for nature hath made us equal, but fortune hath some exalted, and others deprived; nevertheless is vertue often deprived, and the vertuous men despised; for before the last end none is good." "ho! still less," cried poor pantagruel. then the basque-carpalim, pantagruel's valet, thought he caught something familiar here, but the stranger went on as if nothing had been said. in a rattling unknown language-"do you speak a christian tongue, my friend, or do you make your lingo as you go along?" asked epistemon, who was beginning to get rather tired. then in dutch-"quite as bad as the others!" muttered pantagruel under his breath. then in spanish-"see here, my friend," retorted pantagruel, who in his turn was getting tired, "i have not the slightest doubt that you are master of various languages. but all i ask is that you should tell us what you want to say in some tongue which we can understand." then in danish-"i think," said eusthenes, "the old goths must have spoken that way." then in a sonorous tongue-here master epistemon thought it right to say: "this time i have caught his meaning. what he has just said is in the old hebrew, rhetorically pronounced." then in greek-"oh! that's greek. i know it. how long didst thou stay in greece?" asked the valet carpalim, who had once been in that country. the the low breton tongue-it was now pantagruel's turn to say: "it seems to me that i understand what you are trying to say; for it is the tongue of my own country, of utopia, or something very like it." [illustration: pantagruel meets panurge.] but, just as he was beginning to say something more, the stranger broke out again:-in the latin language-"that's all very well, my friend, but _can't you speak french?_" "certainly, and very well, too, an it please you, my lord," answered the man. "by good luck, the french is at once my natural and maternal language. i was born in the garden of france,--fair toulouse." "then you are a frenchman! let us know at once what is your name. if you satisfy me in this, you need never wander from my company, and we shall be one to the other, as æneas and achates." "sir," said the stranger, "my name in baptism was panurge. i have just come home from turkey, where i had the misfortune of being made a prisoner in the expedition against metelin. i have ever so many good stories to tell your highness, more marvellous than those of ulysses. as you are gracious enough to promise to keep me among your friends, i protest that i shall never leave you. i beg your pardon, my lord, i want one word more. i am desperately hungry, my teeth being very sharp, and my throat very dry. a dinner just now would be just as good as a balsam for sore eyes." pantagruel, on hearing these words from the stranger, was delighted. he at once ordered that a full meal should be got ready. this being set before him panurge, who hadn't eaten for two whole days, stuffed himself and went to bed with the roosters, and never woke up until dinner-time next day, when he leaped from his bed, and, without so much as washing his face, reached the dining-room in three hops and one jump. chapter xxvi. pantagruel beats the sorbonne in argument, and panurge proves that an englishman's fingers are not so nimble as a frenchman's. [illustration: initial w.] while pantagruel was at paris, he was receiving, every now and then, letters from his father, which were so kind, and so full of good advice to him to improve himself in the languages, that he had not the heart to neglect them, even had he wished. one day, after laughing more than usual at one of panurge's pranks,--and his new friend had turned out a queer fish indeed,--he thought it was right to see how much he had really learned. the very next day, therefore, at all the crossings of the city he posted, with his own hand, nine thousand seven hundred and sixty-four propositions, challenging all the wise men of paris to argue with him, and show where, and in what, and how far, any of his propositions was wrong. at so bold a defiance, the wise men of paris puckered their foreheads, opened wide their nostrils, breathed heavily, and ended by accepting the challenge. they thought that a giant's strongest point was his body; but pantagruel very soon proved to them that he was stronger than all of them, bunched together, in brains. it was at the gates of sorbonne itself--the great university--that pantagruel, flushed with victory, next knocked. sorbonne was not too proud to meet the bold giant from utopia in a fair combat, not of blows, but of words. for six weeks, pantagruel maintained his theses against all the theologians, from four o'clock in the morning until six o'clock in the evening, with the exception of two hours allowed for refreshment. the contest made a great noise in the court, and most of the lords, masters of requests, presidents, counsellors, bankers, secretaries, lawyers, together with the doctors and professors of the great city, came to hear the learned talk day after day. among all these there were, of course, some very headstrong and restive, who must needs take a hand in helping the theologians to puzzle pantagruel; but, at the end, they themselves were routed, the most learned doctors of the sorbonne along with all the rest. [illustration: at the gates of sorbonne.] from that time, everybody began to talk about pantagruel's wonderful knowledge,--as, before that, all the talk had been about his monstrous size,--even to the wash-women, roast-meat sellers, pen-knife-makers, and others, who, whenever they would catch a sight of him on the street, would poke each other in the ribs and call out: "_oh, look, there he goes!_" pantagruel would have been blind if he had not seen these good people nudge one another, and deaf if he had not heard what they were saying. he certainly was very much pleased; but that is not at all strange, since demosthenes, the prince of greek orators, felt the same when once, in passing along a street in athens, an old hag pointed her skinny fingers sharp at him, screaming: "_that's the man!_" so great did pantagruel's fame become in paris that, whenever there was a law-nut harder to crack than usual, the parties would appeal to him to decide between them, and his decisions were always so just that, strange to say, both sides would go away satisfied,--which is a thing hard to be believed, since the like is not to be seen for thirteen jubilees. his reputation also went abroad, and, in consequence, attracted the attention of a wise englishman named thaumastes, who came all the way from england with the sole intention of seeing pantagruel, and testing for himself if his knowledge was so great as had been told. on reaching paris, thaumastes asked where pantagruel lodged, and, on being informed, went to the st. denis hotel, where he found him walking in the garden with panurge on his arm. when his eyes first fell on the giant, he was almost out of his senses for fear, seeing him so big and so tall. at last he managed to pluck up courage enough to salute him very courteously. "very true it is, mighty sir," he said, "what plato, prince of philosophers, once declared, that, if the image of science were corporeal enough to be brought in all her beauty before the eyes of men, she would excite in all the world great wonder. i came disposed to wonder; now, seeing, i do more--i admire. having heard of your renown i have left country, home, and kinsmen, and have, in spite of the long journey and the hardships of crossing the sea, presented myself here with the sole purpose of seeing you, and consulting you upon some passages of philosophy in which i believe, and yet cannot be sure, that i am right. if you will only deign to solve my doubts, i hereby declare myself your slave. but i beg to make plain one point, and that is, that i wish to dispute through signs only, without speaking. i shall be found, if it suits your magnificence, in the great hall of navarre, at seven o'clock to-morrow morning." [illustration: thaumastes visits pantagruel.] pantagruel, although by no means sure that he knew how to argue with his fingers, replied with his usual grace to the courteous englishman, paying him many compliments for his design of carrying on a great disputation by signs only. after which, thaumastes, who, by the way, had not quite got over his fear of the giant, went straight to the cluny hotel, where he lodged, declaring when he reached there that he had never felt so thirsty in all his life. he swore to the landlord that he thought that terrible pantagruel was even then clutching him by his throat--so very dry and ready to choke he was. on his side, too, pantagruel was grievously disturbed. he did nothing in the first part of his sleep, that night, but dream about books with hard latin titles, and visions of phantom hands hovering in the air around his head, and making passes under his very nose. all he could do was to turn and twist, and twist and turn again, in his bed, and groan, so dolefully, that panurge, rudely wakened from his first nap, ventured to come into the room. "my lord," he said, as he approached the bed, "don't trouble yourself about this matter. turn on your right side like a good christian, and go to sleep. with your permission, i shall answer mr. englishman to-morrow. by my faith! i never yet saw an englishman who knew what to do with his fingers!" pantagruel was, of course, delighted to hear this. he knew how sharp panurge was, and how far he could go beyond other men. but somehow he still had his misgivings; and so he turned his big body around for the last time and went to sleep, only to be haunted all night long by latin books with hard names, and a plague of mocking fingers making signs under his nose. [illustration: the great college was packed.] the next morning, the great college of navarre was packed with people to hear the famous dispute between the giant and the englishman. as soon as pantagruel and panurge reached the hall, all the professors and students began, as was their custom, to clap with their hands. but pantagruel shouted out at the top of his voice, which sounded as if a double cannon had been of a sudden shot off: "peace, all! if you trouble me here, i shall cut off the heads of every one of you." at this terrible threat, the crowd stood amazed, and did not dare even cough. the fact is, they grew so thirsty, all of a sudden, that their tongues dropped out from their throats as if pantagruel, instead of stepping on the platform, had gone from one to the other salting them all. when everything was quiet, panurge stepped forward with a pleasant smile, and addressed the englishman in these words:-"i am only an insignificant pupil of my royal master, prince pantagruel, whose reputation, here and elsewhere, is so noble and so exalted; but i swear that i shall convince thee that, in all signs made in the sacred name of science, i am thy master, and can give thee all the lessons thou mayst need." "is that so?" cried thaumastes; "then, let us begin!" it was a battle of signs, as we know already, not of words. the englishman made the first sign. [illustration: the disputation.] some people thought at the time that panurge, in his answer, showed rather too plainly the low opinion he had of his learned antagonist's skill in finger-moving. he suddenly raised his right hand in air, then put the thumb inside of his right nostril while keeping the four fingers stretched out, but close together in a line parallel with the tip of his nose--meanwhile closing the left eye completely, and depressing the right eye. then he raised on high his left hand, with close pressing and extension of the four fingers and elevation of the thumb, holding his left hand in a straight line with his right, with about a cubit and a half between them. the englishman answered, without seeming to understand this sign of panurge. then panurge replied. then the englishman. then panurge. [illustration: panurge replies.] then both made, one after the other, and with the greatest rapidity, the neatest, the most skilful, the most beautiful, the most dazzling, the most speaking, so to say, signs, all in the name of science, but all so much in favor of panurge, with the little talking devil there is in french fingers, that thaumastes became so confounded that he began to blow like a goose, and finally gave up the fight. but the englishman, when he had been beaten, was honest enough to say so. rising from his seat, while gallantly taking off his cap, he thanked panurge in a low tone. then, with a loud voice, he addressed the learned assembly:-"my lords, at this time, i can surely say that you have an incomparable treasure in your presence. i refer to my lord pantagruel, whose fame alone brought me here from the other end of england. but you can better judge how learned the master must be since i find so much skill in his pupil, for i have always heard that the scholar is never above the master." it is said that the englishman, after his defeat, was well and honorably treated by pantagruel. it was also whispered that thaumastes, on his return to england, caused to be printed in london a book which contained all the signs and the meanings of the great disputation, but of which, strange to say, no copy has reached this day. chapter xxvii. what sort of man panurge was, and the many tricks he knew. [illustration: initial t.] the new friend and attendant of pantagruel was, as has already been seen, a man of good presence, neither too tall nor too short. his nose was a fine aquiline, so fine and sharp, indeed, that its curve was said by even his best friends to look for all the world like the blade of a razor. he was thirty-five years old, or thereabout, and was the gayest, maddest, most reckless roisterer that gay, mad, reckless, roistering paris had ever welcomed within her walls. his purse never knew what it was to be full. for, although he had, as he was fond of boasting, as many as sixty-three different ways of getting money, he always had two hundred and fourteen different ways of spending it. the fact is, panurge had as many cunning ways as a monkey, and could have taught the wisest and grayest old monkey in the forest tricks of which he, in his simplicity, had never once dreamed. he made it a point never to go abroad without having a flask of good wine and a fat, juicy slice of bacon hidden away under his gown, saying, "these are my body-guard. i have no other sword." but if he had one special weakness, it was the bitter hatred he bore against the sergeants and the city-watch of paris. of course, these little eccentricities all came out in time, and so became gradually known to pantagruel, who often frowned on them, but could not, for the life of him, each time he heard of a new prank, help shaking the houses within a mile around, with the rumble of his hearty laughter. [illustration: panurge gets money.] it was one favorite custom of panurge to gather three or four good fellows, and make them drink like templars toward nightfall, when he would lead them to the high ground just above the church st. genevieve, or near the college of navarre, about the hour the city-watch were taking their rounds on the low ground below. he could always make sure of the hour of the guard by laying a sword down on the pavement, with his ear very close to it; and when he would hear the sword hum, he knew that the watch were coming. as soon as he had made sure of that, he and his companion would begin to push one of the dirt-carts, always about there, with all their strength, into the hollow, where it would come tumbling down on the unhappy watch, who, by that time, had just reached the spot, setting them to rolling and knocking about in the dust like so many swine. of course, the party would then scamper off in a hurry, as panurge--who, besides having a mortal dread of blows, was a born coward--had, after two days, learned to know every street, crossing, lane, and alley in paris. [illustration: panurge and the dirt-carts.] another time he would drop along some good, level place where the watch were obliged to pass, a long train of powder, and, then, after finding a safe hiding-place, when they had come, he would fire the train at his end, laugh a loud laugh while he watched their antics in scurrying away, thinking all the time that good st. anthony was tugging away at their legs. now, panurge was a very wise man, but, in spite of all his learning, he dearly loved to plague those whom he ought certainly to have most respected,--i mean the masters of arts and the students of the universities. whenever he would meet one of these on the street, he was sure to do him some mischief, such as pinning to his back little fox-tails, hare's ears, or some such roguery. [illustration: panurge's fun.] another great delight of panurge was keeping a whip under his gown, with which he used to lash, until his very arm ached, such pages as he found carrying wine to their masters. he used to say it was to make them go faster, and he was sure their masters would thank him for it. another was to carry in his coat more than twenty-and-six little fobs and pockets, which were always full,--one of a little lead-water; another of a little blade sharpened like a glover's needle, with which, i am ashamed to say, panurge used to cut purses; another of some bitter stuff, which he used to throw in the eyes of everybody he met; and still others of a mixture which he would throw upon the dresses and bonnets of good people, walking peaceably and soberly in the streets. another trick was slily to fasten people together by little hooks, which he always kept in his pocket, and to laugh till he grew black in the face, on seeing how, in trying to get loose, they only tore their clothes to rags. another was to provide himself with two or three looking-glasses, and, by shifting them here and there in his hand from a distance, throw the fierce light straight into the eyes of men and women, who would get half-crazy trying to find out where their sudden blindness came from. still another trick--and this was a very mean one--he used to play with a small vial filled with the oldest and most rancid oil he could find. whenever he met a woman dressed as fine as a peacock, he would come up, saying: "why, here's a fine cloth, or a fine satin, or a fine taffety," as the case might be. "madam, may heaven grant you whatever your noble heart might wish for! you have there a new dress. heaven keep it long for you, fair dame!" while the rogue was saying all these fine words, he would, of course, be placing his hand on the collar or the shoulder of the lady, and smearing it all over with his vile oil, and leaving a spot which could never be scrubbed out. then he would make his prettiest bow, and smile his sweetest smile, saying: "my dear madam, let me beg you to be very careful about here, because there is a large and muddy hole just before you, and you might soil your beautiful dress." at another time he would carry a box filled with a well-powdered sneezing-gum, into which he would put a handsome broidered handkerchief that he had stolen on the way from a pretty seamstress of the palace. he would go looking about for some fine ladies, and whenever he would meet them, with a great show of reverence, he would take out his scented handkerchief, and, on pretence of showing its beauty, flirt it quickly before their noses, at which the fine ladies would sneeze for four hours without stopping. then panurge would make a lower and more respectful bow than ever, and go away to the nearest corner to have a quiet laugh by himself. chapter xxviii. showing why the leagues are so much shorter in france than in germany. [illustration: initial a.] a short time after the famous dispute, pantagruel heard two very startling bits of news. one was that his father gargantua had been transported to the country of the fairies by morgan, in the same way that she had already carried off ogier the dane and king arthur. the other was that, on hearing of this, and taking advantage of it, the dipsodes, or thirsty people, gargantua's neighbors, had swarmed from their fortresses and ravaged a large part of utopia, and were even then besieging the chief city of the amaurotes. when pantagruel heard this bad news he boiled with rage. he left paris without a word of good-by to anybody, for the affair called for speed. he was accompanied only by his special train, which included his master epistemon, panurge, eusthenes, and carpalim. from paris he went to rouen. while on the road, pantagruel noticed that the french leagues were very short when compared with those of other countries, which he had seen in his travels. he asked panurge how this could be. then panurge, who was never at fault, after turning up his long nose, told him this little story:-[illustration: pantagruel marches to rouen.] "in the old days, when that fine king pharamond reigned over france, there were no leagues, no metes, no furlongs, no recognized boundaries between different countries; nothing, in fact, to show where one country began and where another ended. that just old king resolved to make all this right. so he caused to be brought together in paris two hundred of the brightest and prettiest girls and boys to be found in all france, whom he feasted well for eight days. after it the king called the two hundred children before him, and gave them a sum of money large enough for their expenses during a long journey. he then commanded that they should not go out by the same gate, but start away on different roads, here and there, as their fancy took them out from the city. he further told them that, wherever they should stop to play and run about in the bright sunshine, and gather flowers, or chase the beautiful butterflies, they should leave a stone there to show that they had done so. "that stone would mean, '_this is one league_.' "it was summer time in the pleasant, flowery, laughing month of june, when the skies seem more full of blue, the fields more full of green, and the roses more full of red, than they are at any other time, that the gentle king pharamond had gathered these innocent children together. the whole party, with bright cheeks and merry laughter, started from paris by one road and another. how could the children help feeling happy when the skies were so blue, the fields so green, and the roses so red, and when the butterflies would fly so near the ground, as if only too glad to be run after and caught! and then each boy and girl knew that their generous king had given them so much money that, to their simple fancies, it seemed as if they could never spend it all, try as hard as they might. "in those bright june days, full of light, and green, and blue, they were always crying out: 'let us stop! oh, let us stop to play.' "so they used, at first, to stop at every turn of the road to skip and gambol about in the fields, to gather the pretty flowers, to chase the brilliant butterflies, to sing back to the singing-birds in the trees, and to breathe in the sweet summer air, after which, with ringing laughter and the merriest shouts, they would leave a big stone to mark the spot where they had been so happy. "this explains, my lord," said panurge, making a face, "why _our leagues in france are so short._" "i see, i see," said the good pantagruel, who had fallen into deep thought. "but the longest summer must come to an end," panurge went on to say. "and when children stop at every turn of the road to play in the sun, and to run in the fields, and to pluck the flowers, and chase the butterflies, and sing with the singing-birds, they are only robbing themselves of their own glad time. for autumn, with his clouds that hide the sun, and his ugly days, and his chilly nights, must be very patient if he does not soon begin to think it high time for him to come on the scene. so it got to be quite another thing for the poor children the farther they went from paris, because they soon found out that king pharamond's gift, large as it was, could not last forever. the more they travelled, the worse the weather, the nearer they came to the bottom of their purse, the heavier grew the road, and the more tired their little bodies became. at last, all that the weary children prayed for was that they might reach the end of their hard journey as fast as possible. but autumn himself was getting very old by that time, and fierce winter, with his chilling breath, and his hands of ice, and his mantle of snow, was beginning to wonder when brother autumn was going to give him a chance of dropping his shining mantle over field, lane, and road. there were no longer any blue sky; no longer any green fields; no longer any red roses for the children; and the bright butterflies were all dead now, and the singing-birds were all mute. "all that the poor little children could now do, wringing their hands, was to cry: 'let us go on! oh, do let us go on!' "so, too sad to think of play, but remembering always the command of their good king, they walked, or rather limped, along the highway, and would rest as little as they could until they had reached germany, and gone to the very end of that country, to make sure that they had done their duty." after telling this legend of king pharamond and his two hundred little children, panurge remarked, with a very ugly grin:-"and this, your highness, is why _those cursed german leagues are so long._" chapter xxix how the cunning of panurge, with the aid of eusthenes and carpalim, discomfited six hundred and sixty horsemen. [illustration: initial s.] starting from rouen, pantagruel, panurge, epistemon, eusthenes, and carpalim arrived at harfleur, but remained at that city only one hour, when they took to sea,--a friendly north-north-west wind blowing at the time,--and, with all sails set, in a short time passing by porto sancto, and madeira, touched at the canaries. [illustration: the voyage begins.] once more on blue water, keeping; close to the senegal coast of africa, they skirted by cape blanco and cape verde, and, still steering south-east, sailed on, day after day, until, after weathering the cape of good hope, they touched at the friendly kingdom of melinda. taking to ship again after resting a week in melinda, they made good progress with a wind from over the mountains, and, after passing by meden, uti, uden, galasin, by the isles of the fairies, and skirting the kingdom of anchoria, finally cast anchor in the port of utopia, which is a little over three leagues from the chief city of the amaurotes, that was then being hotly besieged by the _dipsodes_, who, as you know, called themselves the thirsty people. when they had rested a bit and got their land-legs well on again, pantagruel, who, even in sea-sickness,--and he had, in fact, been very sick,--had been thinking of the perils in which his father's kingdom had been placed, remarked: "my children, it is lucky that those rascals have not occupied this port, and it is just as strange as lucky, because the city is not more than three leagues off. but, before we march to its relief, it would be wise to consider what is best to be done. are you all resolved to live or die with me?" "yes, your highness, yes!" responded all. "count on us as you might count on your fingers." "i have somehow a trouble on my mind," pantagruel went on to say. "i know neither in what order nor in what number are my enemies who besiege the city. if i could once know this, we should more surely be able to help my poor people." then all the four companions cried out together: "leave that to us! this day shall not pass before we bring your highness news." panurge, as was to be expected, was the first to step forward. "i undertake, my lord," he said, "to enter into their camp in spite of their guards. what is more, i shall dine with them at their own expense,--not one of them knowing who i am; visit their artillery; count the number of tents of their captains; and strut at my will through the bands without ever being once detected. for _i_ am of the lineage of zopyrus." then master epistemon came forward:-"i know all the stratagems of the ancient captains and champions of antiquity; and all the ruses and artifices of the camps. your highness need have no fear of my being caught, as i shall make them believe of you what i please. for _i_ am of the lineage of sinon." then eusthenes:-"i shall get through their trenches under the noses of their sentinels; for i shall pass through them, and--in spite of them, even though each one were as strong as a bull--break their legs and wrench their arms for them as i pass. for _i_ am of the lineage of hercules." then carpalim:-"as for me, your royal highness, i promise to slip into the camp if ever a bird can fly there, because my body is so light that i can jump their trenches and leap through their tents before their keenest eyes can see me. i am afraid of neither arrows nor bow-shots. as for their swift horses, i laugh at them. i undertake to skim over an ear of corn or the tall meadow grass, without either ever bending under me. for _i_ am of the lineage of camilla, the amazon." carpalim had scarcely declared that he was of the lineage of camilla, the amazon, when a great shout was heard; and the whole party, turning round to find whence the noise came, saw six hundred light cavalry riding at full speed to see what ship had come into port, and to capture the crew if fast riding and loud shouting could do it. pantagruel's big nostrils opened and shut, and went up and down in excitement, as he roared out:-"my lads, get you at once to the ship! you see our enemies there? i shall kill them, if they were ten times their number, just as easily as though they were so many beasts. so get in there, and you will have some sport!" but panurge, who, if a coward, was very sly, had been hatching a plan of his own, and answered:-"no, my lord, there is no need of your taking so much trouble. on the contrary, you are the one to go into the ship, both you and the others, for i, myself, undertake, singly and without aid, to settle those rogues. but there is no time for delay. seconds are worth hours now!" the others joined in with panurge. "well said, my lord. let your highness retire, and we shall help panurge in such a way that you will soon learn what we can do when we try." pantagruel, who saw that trick, not fight, was to win the battle, was highly amused at all this. as he started to go back into the ship, he said:-"i am willing, but on one condition. if those rascals are too strong for you, call out for me." [illustration: panurge discomfits the horsemen.] the first thing panurge did was to get two stout ropes from the vessel. after tying these to the capstan on the deck he pulled them to the shore, where he twined them round and round into two circles, one very large, and the other a smaller circle inside of the larger one. after he had his two circles ready, he said to epistemon:-"go into the ship and wait until i call out. then you will turn the capstan as strong and as quickly as you can, drawing up, of course, both these ropes as you turn." panurge had also a word of warning for eusthenes and carpalim:-"wait here, my lads, until the enemy come near, then make signs that you surrender. but take care not to get your legs inside of these ropes. all you will have to do is, while appearing to yield yourselves, to get as far away from those fellows as you can." then panurge, all in a hurry, rushed into the vessel once more, and caught up a bundle of straw and a small barrel of gunpowder, the contents of which he scattered along inside and outside of the two circles of ropes. holding in his hand a bit of lighted paper, and putting on his most innocent face, he was ready for the men on horseback, who just then came thundering down. the first rank came nearly as far as the ship, but, because the sand was yielding, forty-four men and as many horses were brought tumbling to the ground. seeing the first line fall, and believing that their comrades had met some resistance, the others were about to rush to the rescue; but just here was heard the mild voice of panurge:-"gentlemen, you will pardon me, if i say it is not we who have stretched your noble companions there, but the sea-water, which makes the sand slippery. we surrender at your good pleasure." eusthenes, and carpalim, and epistemon, who was on deck, said the same thing. but, even while he was talking, the cunning panurge had been sliding off and, when he saw that all the horsemen were drawn well within the circles, and that his two friends had got to a safe distance, making way for the cavalry who were pressing forward to see the ship, shouted out suddenly to epistemon:-"turn! turn!" hearing these words, epistemon began to turn for his life, and the two ropes twisted themselves around the legs of the horses in such a fashion that, in falling, they brought their riders down with them. those in the rear, seeing the trick, drew their swords to cut the ropes, and so escape; but panurge was quite ready for them. it was when they did so that he fired his powder-train, which burned up every one of the company, men and horses, except one. he only escaped the flames because he was mounted on a turkish horse of great swiftness, which bore him off with his light hoofs. but when carpalim saw this he said to himself: "here, now, is a chance to show that _i_ am of the lineage of camilla!" and ran after him with such speed that he caught up with the turkish steed within less than a hundred steps, and, leaping on his croup, hugged the rider from behind and brought him a prisoner to the ship. pantagruel was, of course, in a most jovial mood, and praised to the skies the cunning of his friends. nothing would do but that they should celebrate their victory in eating and drinking, and the prisoner along with them. it was a merry feast on the shore, for all but the poor captive, who was not at all sure that pantagruel was not going to gobble him up whole, which he might have done--his throat being so large--with as much ease as he would have taken down a sugar-plum. indeed, the prisoner would not have made any greater show in the giant's throat than a grain of millet in an ass' mouth. chapter xxx. how carpalim went hunting for fresh meat, and how a trophy was set up. [illustration: initial w.] while they were thus chatting and feasting, carpalim suddenly cried out: "are we never to have any fresh meat? his highness makes us thirsty enough, but this salt meat quite finishes me. wait a moment! i am going to fetch you here the thigh of one of those horses which are burning over yonder. no fear of their not being roasted enough!" as he was springing up to do this, his quick eye caught sight, just at the edge of the wood, of a large stag, which had come out of the forest, attracted doubtless by panurge's big bonfire. carpalim ran towards the stag with such fleetness that he seemed to have been shot from a cross-bow, and caught up with him in a moment. even while he was bounding along, he was holding his hands up in the air, with all his fingers spread open, and, in that way, he caught four great bustards, seven bitterns, twenty-six gray partridges, sixteen pheasants, nine snipes, nineteen herons, thirty-two red-legged partridges; and he killed moreover with his feet, by kicking here and there, ten or twelve hares or rabbits that chanced to start up in his path and hadn't time to get away; fifteen tender young boars, and three large foxes. first killing the stag by striking him on the head with his sword, he picked him up and, while joyously returning along the road, gathered together his hares, rabbits, boars, and foxes. and from as far as could be heard, he began to cry out:-"panurge! panurge! vinegar! vinegar!" [illustration: carpalim catches some fresh meat.] the good pantagruel, having his back turned to the road, thought from this that carpalim surely must be sick, and so ordered that vinegar should be at once brought. but panurge, who happened to be looking out, had already noticed what carpalim had about him, and told pantagruel that his valet was carrying a fine stag around his neck, and around his waist a belt of hares. wise master epistemon at once made nine handsome wooden spits in the old style. eusthenes, wanting to be useful, helped him to skin the game; while panurge placed two of the dead men's saddles in such a way that they served as andirons. the prisoner was made cook, and at the very same fire where his friends were burning, the poor cook roasted carpalim's venison. of course, everybody enjoyed the fresh meat after so much salt meat, and became very gay and chatty. panurge evidently thought his friends were getting too noisy, for, of a sudden, he cried:-"we had better think a little about our affairs, so as to decide in what way we will conquer our enemies." "that is well thought on!" said pantagruel. he at once turned to the prisoner, and, wishing to frighten him still more, said: "my friend, tell us here the truth, and do not lie to us in any one single thing, if thou dost not want to be eaten alive, for they say i am he who eats little children. give us, therefore, the order, the number, the strength in guns, of thy army." "my lord," answered the prisoner humbly, "know for truth that in my army there are three hundred giants, all clad in armor, and wonderfully tall giants they are, too,--not quite so tall as your highness, save one who is their chief, who is called loupgarou, and who is armed with anvils. besides these giants, there are one hundred and sixty-three thousand foot-soldiers, all armed with the skins of hobgoblins, and all strong and valiant men; eleven thousand, four hundred men-at-arms; three thousand, six hundred double cannon, and quite too many arquebusiers to count; and ninety-four thousand pioneers." "that is all very well, so far as it goes," said pantagruel, dryly; "but is thy king there?" "yes, sire, the king is there in person. he is known among us as anarchus, king of the _dipsodes_, which is the same as saying the thirsty people, because you have never yet seen a people so thirsty by nature or with such throats for drinking. the giants guard the king's tent." "enough!" said pantagruel. "brave boys, are you willing to follow me?" "may heaven confound those who would leave you!" cried out panurge. then the party began to joke one another about the prisoner's report, and to boast about the glorious feats each one was going to do on the giants who guarded king anarchus' tent. as was his habit the noble pantagruel laughed at all the nonsense, but, in the midst of a good shaking, he suddenly thought of what was really before him. "gentlemen," he said, "you reckon without your host. i am rather afraid that, if you go on much longer in the way you are now, it will not be dark before you are in such a state that those thirsty people can come here and maul you with pike and lance. so, then, children, let's be marching. however, before we leave this place, in remembrance of the courage you have just shown, i wish to erect here a fine trophy." [illustration: the trophy.] this was a happy idea, and everybody was at once busy--singing meanwhile pleasant little songs--in setting up a high post. this done, they hung up on the post a great cuirassier saddle, the front-piece of a barbed horse, bridle-bits, knee-pieces, stirrups, stirrup-leathers, spurs, a coat of mail, a battle-axe, a strong, short, sharp sword, a gauntlet, leg-harness, and a throat-piece,--all spoils from the poor horsemen whose bones were then lying half-charred on the sands. and this was the trophy which pantagruel raised. chapter xxxi. the strange way in which pantagruel obtained a victory over the thirsty people. [illustration: initial w.] when the trophy had been raised, pantagruel had his prisoner brought before him and sent him away with these words:-"get thee back to thy king in his camp, and tell him what thou hast seen. be sure you tell him to be ready to welcome me to-morrow, at noon. all i am waiting for are my galleys, which, are on the sea. as soon as they come, which will be to-morrow morning, at the very latest, i shall prove to thy king, by eighteen hundred thousand men and seven thousand giants,--each of those giants taller and larger than thou see'st me here,--that he has been an idiot to attack my country." of course, in all this talk about having an army on the sea, pantagruel was only trying to frighten the king of the thirsty people. the prisoner made haste to assure pantagruel that he was his humble slave, and that he would be only too glad, not only if he never should see his people again, but, also, if he should be allowed to fight under the prince against them. pantagruel shook his great head at this. no! no! he must leave at once, and do what he had been told to do. he gave him at the same time a box full of a strange paste, made with some grains of black chameleon-thistle, steeped in brandy, ordering him to place this in the hands of his king, and say to him that, if he could eat even one ounce of the mixture without wanting to drink after it, he would be able to resist pantagruel and his whole army without fear. [illustration: the king of the thirsty people.] then the prisoner began to wring his hands, begging pantagruel in the hour of battle to have pity on him. "after thou hast announced all to thy king," answered pantagruel, gravely, "put all thy trust in god, and he will never forsake thee. look at me! i am, as thou canst see, mighty. i can put millions of troops in the field. yet i place no reliance on my strength or my skill; but all my trust is in god, my protector, who never abandons those who have their faith in him. go, then," he added more kindly, "and, if thou wishest no evil to happen to thee, turn thy back on bad company." when the prisoner had at last got away, the good giant turned to his friends, saying: "my children, you know that i do not tell lies; but it is always lawful in war to deceive an enemy. this is why i have made that prisoner believe we had armies on the sea, and, also, that we were not going to make an assault on their camp till to-morrow at noon. but i have sent a paste that will put them all to sleep to-night, so that they will not be prepared to receive my attack to-morrow, at noon. my real purpose is to attack their camp in the hour of their first nap." but the prisoner--knowing nothing of all this side-talk--walked quickly towards the city, which he soon reached, as you already know it was only three leagues from the coast. as soon as he saw the king, he began the story of how there had come a great giant, who had routed and caused to be cruelly roasted alive, six hundred and fifty-nine horsemen; and how he, alone of all the troop, had escaped to bring the terrible news. he then went on to state that that wonderful giant had charged him to say that he would look on his majesty at dinner-time, and wanted him to make ready for him. then he presented the box of paste, but, just as soon as the king had swallowed one spoonful, his throat started to burn, and, after a while, his very tongue began to peel off. what was to be done? there was only one way out of the trouble, and that was for the king to drink--drink--drink, without stopping! the result was that everybody was bringing the king wine, and pouring it down his royal throat; and if ever he stopped, the royal throat began to burn just as bad as ever. for the thirsty people, there could be nothing finer than such a sweetmeat, that would make them drink, and drink, and drink again. nothing would do the pashas, captains, and guardsmen but that they should try the paste to see whether it would produce such thirst in them; and the moment they did so they were in the same fix as their king, and they all drank so long that a rumor ran through the camp that the prisoner had come back, and that a great attack was to be made the next day by some terrible enemy, of whose name nobody knew. what could be better, then, than to enjoy themselves the night before? so the captains and the guards began to drink, and clink glasses, and give healths, until they got stupidly drunk, and lay, here and there, where they fell, as so many swine all about the camp. [illustration: the soldiers try pantagruel's paste.] what was pantagruel doing in the meanwhile? as soon as he found that he could no longer see the prisoner trudging along the road--and remember the eyesight of giants is just so much keener than that of common men, as their bodies are stronger--pantagruel pulled out the mast from his ship, which he carried in his hand like a pilgrim's staff, first putting in the hollow of it two hundred and thirty-seven puncheons of white wine of anjou. the next thing he did was to tie to his waistband the bark itself, filled with salt, which he carried as readily as women going to market carry their little baskets of vegetables. when they got near the enemy's camp, panurge said: "my lord, do you wish to do a wise thing? get that white wine of anjou down from that mast, and let us drink to our success." panurge was right in this, because, strong as pantagruel was, such a weight of wine would have only troubled him if he had to fight. he was willing enough, and they drank so much of the delicious wine that, at the end, there was not a single drop of the two hundred and thirty-seven puncheons left except what was to be found in one leathern-flask, which panurge grabbed for his own private use, and hid away in his pocket. when the wine was gone, pantagruel called out to carpalim: "get thee into the city, scrambling over the walls like a cat, as thou knowest well how to do. tell our people in the city that now is the very time for them to attack their foes, who are weak. as soon as thou art through with them, seize a lighted torch, run through the streets, and set fire everywhere. don't forget to cry out with thy loudest voice: 'fire! fire!' and skip from the camp." without another word, carpalim was on the road, leaping and bounding for the city. everything was done as pantagruel had commanded. all the army in the city--that part which was not drunk--rushed out of the walls to meet the foe, and found--nobody. carpalim, meanwhile, ran through all the tents and pavilions, setting fire to each one. of course, in doing so, he had now and then to step over the captains and other officers who had eaten of pantagruel's paste, but he stepped so lightly, and they were so drunk, that they never knew it. the tents caught fire so quickly that poor carpalim--if it had not been for his wonderful agility--would have been roasted alive, like the captains, pashas, and guardsmen who were snoring in their tents when he set fire to them. when the army, that had been silly enough, when carpalim shouted, to run outside of the walls, reached the plain and found no enemy, they wandered about in great confusion, and, being very tired, at last returned to the city and lay outside of the burning tents, and went to sleep with their mouths open. nobody thought of taking care of the burning gates. it was long after midnight when pantagruel entered the city, and as he marched through the streets he would take bags of salt out of the ship, which he carried around his waist, and, as he passed the sleepers, would drop the salt into their open mouths. many died from choking; and the rest of those who were lucky enough not to be burnt, when they woke next morning, thought they had enough salt in their mouths to last them for a lifetime. all they said as they got up and humbly went about their business, wetting their tongues every now and then to get the vile, bitter taste out, was:-"o pantagruel, thou hast made our throats burn worse than before!" chapter xxxii. the wonderful way in which pantagruel disposed of the giant loupgarou and his two hundred and ninety-nine giants. [illustration: initial a.] as soon as the body-guard of giants saw flames bursting from the tents, all they could think of doing was to snatch up their little king anarchus, tie him to the neck of one of them, and get out of the burning city as fast as their long legs could take them. panurge, as usual, was the first to see the giants racing out of the city. "my lord," he said, "just look at those big rogues over there! all you have to do is to charge with that mast you have in your hand. you can have no better way to prove your skill. we, on our part, are not going to fail you." "ho! ho!" answered pantagruel, "i do not lack courage. but even hercules did not dare fight against two, and here thou wouldst have me fight against three hundred!" "what!" retorted panurge, while his tip-tilted nose curled higher in the air than usual, "does your highness seriously mean to compare yourself with hercules? god has given you stronger teeth and stouter limbs than ever hercules had." panurge was going to say a good deal more, but here came loupgarou with all his giants. when loupgarou saw that pantagruel was alone,--for, after all, to the eyes of giants common-sized men, like panurge, epistemon, carpalim, and eusthenes, must have looked like so many dwarfs,--he felt sure that he would be able to make away with him. in fact, he was so sure that he turned to his giants, laughing all the time so as to show all his big, cruel, yellow teeth. "by mahomet! if any of you dare fight with that great braggart over there, you shall die at these hands! i, alone, wish to fight with him! meanwhile, you shall have rare sport in looking on." laughing loudly, the other giants fell back a short distance, where the wine and victuals had been left, carrying their little king along with them. they had hardly got there when the cunning panurge and his friends, putting on a most humble, miserable look, crawled up, saying:-"we surrender, good comrades. we have no taste for war. all we ask is to join with you in feasting while our masters are fighting." the poor little king was willing; the giants were willing; and so they began to feast, panurge and the others along with them. loupgarou had, by this time, advanced upon pantagruel, with a fearful mace of steel, weighing nine hundred and seventy thousand pounds. at the end of the mace there were thirteen diamond points, the very smallest of which was as big as the largest bell of the _nôtre dâme_, in paris. but what made that mace so terrible was, that it was formed of fairy steel, so that it had only to touch the strongest thing in the world to break it into pieces. but pantagruel, as we know, put his faith in god alone. as every good christian, when he sees a fearful enemy near him, calls upon god, so pantagruel prayed to him, while loupgarou was cursing furiously, to aid him who had always loved the church and obeyed the ten commandments. he had scarcely ended his prayer when he heard a voice from the sky, saying: "have faith, and thou shall gain the victory." by this time, loupgarou, with his mouth wide open, was drawing near him, and pantagruel, who had no enchanted weapon, but only his mast, thought to frighten the monster by crying out, as the old lacedæmonians used to do, in his most awful tones: "_thou diest, rascal! thou diest!_" even while he was saying this, he was digging his big hands into the ship which he carried at his waist, from which he took more than eighteen kegs and four bushels of salt, which he threw, filling loupgarou's mouth, throat, nose, and eyes. this only made loupgarou rage worse than ever. roaring with pain and anger, he rushed against pantagruel, thinking to break his skull with his fairy mace. pantagruel, luckily, was both quick of foot and keen of eye. seeing what loupgarou was at, he stepped with his left foot back one pace; but even then he was not so quick as to save the ship. loupgarou's blow fell upon its prow, which was enough to smash it into four thousand and eighty-six pieces, scattering, of course, the rest of the salt along the ground. [illustration: the fight with loupgarou.] when pantagruel saw his good ship all in pieces he did not despair, but gallantly attacked loupgarou with its mast, striking him two blows; one fell above the breast, the other between neck and shoulders. the monster did not relish such treatment. so, when pantagruel wanted to give another blow in the same sharp style, loupgarou raised his enchanted mace and rushed upon him, knowing that he had only to touch him with it to cleave him from head to foot. but, by god's blessing, pantagruel's nimbleness saved him here a second time. stepping briskly to one side, the terrible mace swept with a hissing noise through the air, striking a great rock which stood in the way, into which it crashed more than seventy-three feet, making a fire greater in bulk than nine thousand and six tons flash from the hole it had made. here was another chance for pantagruel. seeing that loupgarou was tugging away at his enchanted mace to pull it from the rock, pantagruel ran towards him with his mast well-poised, feeling sure that, this time, he would take off his head; but, by bad luck, his mast just grazed the stock of loupgarou's mace. of course it broke, and, what is worse, broke within three hand-breadths of his own hand. pantagruel was so much amazed at all this, as he had never before heard that loupgarou's mace was enchanted, that he cried out, without very well knowing what he was doing: "ho! panurge, where art thou?" panurge, whose eyes and cars had been stretched wide open ever since the beginning of the fight, shouted out to the king and the giants: "by heaven! if we don't get them apart, they will hurt one another." but the giants, on their side, were in high chuckles. when carpalim wanted to get up to help his master, one of them said:-"by golfarim!"--who is the nephew of mahomet,--"if thou stir from here, i shall tuck thee in my belt." meanwhile pantagruel, having lost his staff, caught hold of the little stump that was left of the mast, striking blows, here and there, with it on the giant's body. but the stump was so short that no harm was done. of course, all this time, loupgarou was puffing and blowing hard to pull his mace out from the rock. he at last succeeded. all the time he was getting ready to swing it once more, he was bawling out: "villain! this time i shall surely kill thee! never after this shalt thou make honest people thirsty!" in trying to get his mace in proper position to strike, he was, of course, bending a little. here was one more chance for pantagruel; and pantagruel took it. while loupgarou had his body half-bent, pantagruel gave him such a kick in the stomach that he made him fall backwards, heels over head, and as he began to drag him along the ground, loupgarou was bleeding at the throat, and could only find breath to call out three times: "mahomet! mahomet!! mahomet!!!" [illustration: death of loupgarou.] the moment they heard that cry, up started all the giants to help their leader; but now came panurge's time to interfere. "gentlemen, don't you go, if you have the slightest faith in me. my master is mad, and is striking out blindly. he may hurt you in his anger." but the giants only ha-ha'd at all this, having seen that poor pantagruel's only weapon, the mast, had been shivered to the handle by the fairy mace. so, like idiots, they started in a body to loupgarou's rescue. the moment pantagruel, who was just then breathing a little hard, saw the giants coming up, he caught loupgarou's body, encased in an armor of stout anvils, up by the two feet, lifting it high in the air with the same ease as he might have raised a pike; and, with the master's own body, he slashed around right and left among the giants, knocking them down as a mason chips with his hammer little bits off a stone. not one of the giants could stand before pantagruel without being struck flat to the ground. while pantagruel was performing such wonders with loupgarou's body and his armor of anvils, panurge, together with carpalim and eusthenes, were not idle. they, who had been so humble a few moments before, were now going from one to the other of the party who lay stretched on the ground, cutting the throats of such as had not fallen quite dead. when the battle seemed to be at an end, up came a fearful giant, whom pantagruel did not know, but who was so much taller and stouter than his comrades that loupgarou had made him his first officer. pantagruel felt perfectly safe with his new weapon; but, seeing how big the giant was, he gave an extra strong blow with the body, which sent loupgarou's head rolling on the ground. this new giant was the last, and that one strong blow killed him. then pantagruel, seeing that none of the giants had escaped, with one great swing of the arm, threw the headless body into the city, which was not very far off. it fell into the great square, where it crushed with its weight one singed cat, one wet cat, one lame duck, and one bridled goose. chapter xxxiii. how pantagruel finally conquers the thirsty people, and the strange business panurge finds for king anarchus. [illustration: initial a.] after this marvellous victory, pantagruel sent carpalim before him into the city to let everybody know that king anarchus had been taken prisoner, and that all his giants had been killed. on receiving this message, the people flocked out of the walls to welcome their own prince. everywhere, crowds were making merry around fine, round tables, filled with good victuals, and set out in the middle of the streets. so good was the cheer, and so bright were the bonfires that blazed on every side, that the people said it looked like the golden age come again. pantagruel called the wise men of the city before him. when they had gathered together, he spoke these words:-"my masters, i am not satisfied with getting back my own city. i shall not rest until i capture all the cities, towns, and villages in the kingdom of the thirsty people. i noted to-day that this city of yours is so full of people that they can't turn about in the streets. i know what i shall do for them. i shall plant my ancient and tried utopians as a colony in dipsodie, so that they can teach the thirsty people how to be true and loyal. by to-morrow at daylight, let men of all trades be in the public square. i shall be ready to march at that hour." [illustration: welcome to pantagruel.] of course, this was soon noised about the city. the next morning a vast multitude swarmed into the great square before the palace to the number of one million eight hundred and fifty-six thousand and eleven--not counting the women and children. at break of day, this great army was all ready to march in good order straight into the country of the thirsty people. but, before they all get away. i must tell you one of the cunning tricks of our old friend panurge. he had not forgotten that the wretched little king anarchus, whom pantagruel had given to him as a present, had been the chief cause of the invasion of the peaceful kingdom of utopia. if anarchus had shown the spirit of a brave man among the stout and faithful giants, who had fought to the death to keep his mean little body from harm, panurge would never have dared touch him. but anarchus had been all along such a coward that he wasn't worth anybody's pity. so, on the evening of pantagruel's triumphant entrance into the city, panurge, after some hard thinking, got up a new dress for the little king. there was nothing at all royal about the dress. it was very far from being that, as it consisted of a pretty canvas doublet, all braided and pranked out; a pair of wide sailor trousers; and stockings without shoes. "for," as panurge said, "_shoes would only spoil his sight._" he then put on the head of anarchus a little pink cap, trimmed with a great capon-feather,--maybe i am wrong, because i have been told that there were two of these feathers,--besides a fine belt of blue and green. this was the ridiculous figure which panurge dragged before pantagruel. "do you know this fellow?" "not i," said pantagruel. "why, this is the king of the thirsty people! i am going to make an honest man of him. he was a pitiful rogue when he wore the crown. now that he wears this gay dress, he is an honest man. i have given him a trade. he is a crier of green sauce, at your service. now, little king, begin! call out, 'green sauce! green sauce! who wants to buy green sauce?'" the poor king, from pure shame, piped out too low. "that is not half loud enough," cried panurge, catching him by the ear, and saying, "sing higher, little king; sing higher in _ge, sol, re, ut._" pantagruel made himself merry at all this. i dare say the little king was the drollest man he had ever seen. and this was how king anarchus got to be a crier of green sauce. two days after this, panurge married the little king with an old lantern-jawed hag. to have everything pass off gaily, and to make sure of good dancing, he hired a blind man to give the music. for their wedding-supper, he ordered fine sheep-heads, plenty of eels served with mustard, and tripe spiced with garlic. the drink was watered wine and fine cider. pantagruel gave the couple a little cottage in one of the side streets, and a stone-mortar in which to pound their sauce. here they carried on their trade, and the little king might have been happier than when he lived in a palace and had giants to guard him, but for his wife, who beat him in time as flat as a mummy. when pantagruel marched from the city, along the high road, he looked a grander and mightier giant than ever. every town and city surrendered to him as he drew near, and every noble of the country came to offer him homage. only the city of the almirodes held out; and that would have kept its gates shut to the end had it not been for a story its people happened to hear of the giant and of an awful storm which came up one day, while he was on his way there with his army. there being no danger of _his_ being drowned,--so the story ran,--pantagruel put his big tongue half way out of his mouth and covered the whole army as snugly as a hen covers her chicks. when the people of the stubborn city heard _that_, they opened their gates wide!--wide!!--wide!!!--to let the giant pass. "there is no use resisting such a man as that," everybody said. [illustration: grander and mightier than ever.] and so ended the bad war which the thirsty people had begun against the utopians when their good king gargantua had been carried to fairy-land. [illustration: pantagruel returns.] pantagruel, having ended his tour through all the cities of his new kingdom of dipsodie, finally reached the palace where he had been born, and on leaving which, one sad day, to go on his long journey to school, he had seen for the last time his dear and honored father. all these thoughts made the tender-hearted giant sad; but he had no time for weeping. there were many wrongs in his own kingdom of utopia to make right. there were many rights to make strong. there were a thousand other things to do for his faithful people, who had at once proclaimed him king when gargantua had been taken to fairy-land,--even when he had been leagues upon leagues away. chapter xxxiv. gargantua comes back from fairy-land.--after which pantagruel prepares for another trip. [illustration: initial o.] one day gargantua came back from fairy-land. it was a day above all others long to be remembered by pantagruel, when he first heard, on coming home from a visit to one of his cities, where he had gone to decide a knotty case between that city and a neighboring town, the sharp bark of a dog. "why! i know that bark," he said. "that is the bark of little kyne, my father's dog. my father must surely have come back!" so, joyfully, he followed kyne, who went bounding and frisking back to the great door of the palace. there he found his old father, with his arms stretched wide open to clasp his son. everybody was glad to see that wonderful meeting of father and son high up in the air. "my dear son!" "my dear and honored father!" that was all they could hear, as the old giant and the young giant, arm in arm, passed through the door, and went up the broad stairway into the great hall. we may be sure that snapsauce and the two other very fat cooks were soon doing their best to get together a good dinner, during which pantagruel heard all about fairy-land, its queen, and her kind fairies. when a fresh flagon of wine rested between them, father gargantua said:-"i praise god, my beloved son, that he has given thee such wisdom and virtue. had it not been for thee, i would still have been in fairy-land, for thou hast been wise while i was away. i would like to speak to thee now on a subject which much troubled me there. thou art now old enough to take a wife, and i desire to see thee marry. hast thou ever thought of a wife?" "to tell the truth, most dear father, i have never yet thought of one. but, in choosing a wife, i am always thy son, and thou shalt choose for me." "i believe thee in that, my son. but thou shalt choose for thyself when the time comes for a wife. when thou findest her, bring her home; she shall find a father waiting for her." pantagruel stretched out one big hand across the table. it met another big hand, only that other was more knotty and wrinkled than his own. then the two mighty hands clasped. "but this is not all that i wanted to say, my boy. it is time thou shouldst travel. thou needest rest. hast thou not been king in my place?" the old giant laughed as he said this. "hast thou not filled my throne, thou young rogue, for this score of years and more? thou art not so strong as thou wast; thou hast need of a holiday." "hast thou also thought, father, of a plan for all this whilst thou wert in fairy-land?" "well, yes. i had nothing else to do there but think. i know thou dost love to travel and see strange things. thou shalt start at once. don't crawl on land. spread out thy white sails, and try the seas. take with thee thy friend panurge,--he looks like a keen fellow,--my old friend friar john, my old master ponocrates, who would be better for a trip; also master epistemon, and such others as thou pleasest. put thy open hand into my treasure-box, and draw out thy closed fist with what thou wantest of my gold. thou wilt find at my arsenal, thalasse, all that thou needest; besides pilots, sailors, and stout soldiers. at the first fair wind, set sail. when thou art away, my boy, i shall make ready for thy wife, and for a splendid feast when thou shalt bring her safe home." chapter xxxv. pantagruel starts on his travels, and lands at the island of pictures. [illustration: initial a.] a few days after this, pantagruel said good-by to gargantua, leaving the old giant on his knees praying for his son. he took with him ponocrates, panurge, epistemon, gymnaste, eusthenes, rhizotome, and carpalim going with him of course; fine old friar john, who was fond of saying that he could not sleep o' nights unless he was in search of some adventure; besides a famous traveler named xenomanes, who boasted that he knew every land and every sea that the earth, if it had a tongue, could name. when he reached the sea-coast once more, pantagruel picked out the twelve largest vessels in thalasse, and gathered together all the pilots, mates, boatswains, sailors, workmen, soldiers, artillery, ammunition, provisions, and clothes he needed for a long voyage. the flag-ship carried at its prow the strange figure of a gigantic bottle. half of this bottle was of polished silver, the other half of gold enamelled with crimson. from this every child in thalasse--who was a born sailor, and could read strange legends around the prows of ships--ran about the streets in glee, shouting that the prince's colors would be white and red in the lands to which he was going. [illustration: pantagruel picks his ships.] with james brayer, the best pilot in the world, the fleet sailed gaily away, with all its flags flying. it had all the way, except for a few days near the island of the macreons, a fine, brisk wind, which each day carried it farther toward india, the mysterious land in which pantagruel was going to seek a wife. on the fifth day, james brayer caught sight of an island, fair to see on account of the high, white light-houses and towers, which rose so close together that the whole coast shone like solid silver under the sun. on steering for the nearest port, it was found that the new land was known as medamothi, or the island of pictures. [illustration: pantagruel sets sail.] "island of pictures!" exclaimed pantagruel; "then we must have some of them!" while every ship's crew was hard at work taking in fresh water, pantagruel, with his friends, all in high good-humor at the prospect of once more stepping on dry land, went on shore. they saw a great crowd of people hurrying here and there, treading on each other's heels, and filling all the streets and by-ways leading to a great square. [illustration: landing at the isle of pictures.] "what brings all you good people here?" asked pantagruel of a cripple, who was getting along as fast as he could hobble. "our great fair, mighty giant. our fair is held here every year." "have you anything there worth the trouble of walking to see?" "oh, yes! your highness. many wonderful things are brought here by the great merchants of asia and africa; yes, and from all parts of the world, too." "we are in time, then, to see these wonderful things," said the giant. once at the fair, pantagruel and his friends were delighted with the number and variety of the finest tapestry pictures ever brought together. there was nothing on the earth--whether men, country, cities, palaces, farm-houses, mountains, ravines, valleys, lakes, trees, flowers, birds, rivers, beasts, fishes--that was not to be found worked in tapestry by skilful hands at that most wonderful of fairs. everybody bought a picture,--friar john, epistemon, eusthenes, carpalim, panurge,--everybody, even gymnaste, who had never before in all his days seen tapestry. and it was here, while pantagruel was standing, deep in thought, before a bit of tapestry epistemon had bought, that xenomanes came up and tried in every way to catch his eye. all those around were too busy in making good bargains for themselves with the merchants to help him; so, after half a dozen efforts, he shook his white head gravely, and walked away. it was gymnaste who bought the largest and finest tapestry of all, representing the "life and feats of achilles," in seventy-eight pieces, eight yards long and six yards wide, all made of phrygian silk, embossed with gold and silver. "is that fit for a rough fellow like thee, gymnaste?" asked panurge, with his nose turned up in scorn. "thou knowest better than that, panurge! it is a present from our noble lord to his royal father, which i have bought on his order." "humph!" said panurge, while his nose turned up still higher in a bright red end, and stayed that way until dinner-time, when it turned down a bit, but got redder than ever before the meal was over. before leaving the island of pictures, pantagruel bought three fine young unicorns, which were the tamest of all creatures, and a splendid reindeer which, with great care, had been brought all the way from frozen scythia. there never has been a reindeer like this reindeer from scythia! it could change its color at any time, not because it wanted, or knew it was doing so, but only because it could not help changing whenever a new color came near it. for instance, when panurge, in his gray kersey coat, would draw near to stroke it, its hair would turn gray too. near pantagruel, dressed grandly out in his great scarlet mantle, the reindeer would blaze out red. when james brayer, in his long, white gown, happened to come near the beast, there, in a few seconds, was the reindeer from scythia turning white before everybody's eyes! pantagruel was very proud to be the owner of such treasures; and, after he had once got the tapestry for his father, the wonderful reindeer, and the three unicorns, as playful as young kittens, safely on board, he gave the order for the fleet to sail from the island of pictures. [illustration: pantagruel buys some strange animals.] pantagruel had been so taken up with these strange animals that it was not until he was on his way to the port that he remembered that xenomanes had tried to catch his eye. at once turning to him, he said kindly:-"your pardon, great traveller; what did you wish to say to me?" "only this, my lord, that seeing so many tapestry pictures, i was reminded of that strange land of satin which i once visited. i know your highness to be a great lover of travels, and always glad to learn new things. it was for this reason i ventured to disturb you." "why!" said pantagruel, at once interested, "were there as many wonderful things in your land of satin as there are in this land of pictures?" "what i tell you, my lord, is strange but true. in the satin land, the trees and herbage never lose their leaves or flowers, and are all damask and flowered velvet. as for the beasts and birds, they all looked to me like what we saw in those pictures. i saw many beasts, birds on trees, of the same color, size, and shape of those in our country. there was one difference, however, between them. those in satin land ate nothing, and never sang or bit like ours." "and the people of that land, xenomanes, what of them?" "this i cannot tell your highness." "ho! and why?" "never a word could i ever get from those people. there i saw many philosophers, travellers, and students, with whom i would gladly have spent half an hour in learned converse. they all seemed to be full of business, running about hither and yon, and yet had little to do." "and what do those busy, silent people live on?" "i don't know how they contrive to _live_, your highness, for once i tried a bunch of their fine ripe cherries. they had no manner of taste, and, although i was hungry enough that day, i could neither chew nor swallow them, but my mouth seemed filled with what i could have sworn was tufted silk." [illustration: the land of satin.] "strange!" said pantagruel. "i wish i had looked closer at those pictures. the next time you want to speak to me, good xenomanes, shout! i may hear you then." chapter xxxvi. panurge bargains with dindeno for a ram, and throws his ram overboard. [illustration: initial f.] five days after leaving the land of pictures, the flag-ship being in the lead, pantagruel's keen eyes caught sight, away off to the windward, of a large merchant-ship making her way slowly towards them. there was great joy among all the men on all the ships. those on the fleet were glad, because they hoped, through the sail in sight, to hear news of the sea; and those on the merchant-ship because her passengers expected to get news from the main-land. when the flag-ship met with the stranger, and when the two were side by side, pantagruel, curious to see a merchantman, went with his friends on board the latter. the skipper of the merchantman, cap in hand, told pantagruel that he had come from lanternland. as soon as this was known everybody tried to put in a question about the country,--how it had got its name, and what were the habits of the lantern people. it was learned that, towards the end of each july, the lanternists held their great fair, which, if the giant wished to see for himself how much could be made of lanterns, whether single or strung in rows, by twos; by threes; by fours, and so on; or piled in columns; or ranged in arches; or spanning streets; or hung on trees; or sparkling on country roads; or swinging along the whole coast, making it as bright as in sunshine,--why, all he would have to do was to go there, if not that year, then the next. while all this pleasant little talk was going on between the giant and the skipper, panurge had already got into a wrangle with a french sheep-seller, named dindeno, who happened to have a large cargo of sheep on board. this sheep-seller was a very bad-tongued fellow; and, seeing panurge passing by, with his glasses tied to his cap, and looking at his stock, he called out sneeringly to his shepherds,-"just look at that long-nosed dandy, with his glasses tied to his cap!" panurge, whose ears were as keen as his nose was sharp, retorted,-"what dost thou say, thou sheep-barber? "sheep-barber! ha! i am no sheep-barber, i let thee know, thou long-nosed dandy." "thou art no sheep-barber, eh! prithee, tell me, then, rude fellow, what are so many sheared sheep doing here? who sheared them, if thou didst not?" "thou art a rogue; and i will kill thee as i would a ram!" shrieked the sheep-seller, while trying to draw his sword; but the blade stuck close to the scabbard, as often happens on sea, from the rust caused by salt-water. panurge, who was not armed, and who, from his cradle, had been a coward, ran for safety towards pantagruel, who was not looking at what was going on. but friar john, always on the watch, with his strong arm caught hold of dindeno. then pantagruel, turning round and seeing a man struggling with friar john, knew for the first time that there was a quarrel. at this moment the skipper stepped up, and, with many bows and prayers that there should be no bad name given to his ship, begged his giantship to order peace. this was done, and panurge and dindeno shook hands, apparently the best of friends. a short time after, panurge winked at epistemon and friar john, as much as to say, "i want to have a word with you." as soon as they came near, panurge whispered, "stand about here for a while, and you shall see rare sport." having no idea of what was coming, friar john and epistemon stepped to one side, and waited. then panurge, turning to dindeno, begged him to be good enough to sell him one of his sheep. [illustration: panurge wants a sheep.] "hello! my good friend and neighbor," cried the sheep-seller, "dost thou want to play tricks on poor people? how long since thou hast been a buyer of sheep?" "whatever i may have been," said panurge, gently, "be so kind as to sell me one of thy sheep there. now, how much wilt thou ask for one?" "see here, friend and neighbor, these are noble creatures. these are long-wooled sheep. it was from the fathers of these very sheep that jason took his famous golden fleece." "i do not doubt thy word," said panurge; "but fix thy price for one of those precious sheep. here is thy money ready for thee." "my friend and neighbor, now listen to me!" "i am listening." "i shall make a bargain with thee! we have a pair of scales on board. get thee on one scale. i shall put my prize ram on the other. i am willing to bet thee a peck of busch oysters that, in weight, value, and general worth, my ram shall outweigh thee!" "that may be all so; but i beg thee, good dindeno, without further word, to be so kind as to sell me one of thy sheep; i care not which one." with that, he pulled out his purse, and showed it bursting with new gold-pieces, with the face of good king gargantua stamped on each piece. dindeno's eyes flashed at the glitter of so much gold; but he had made up his mind to insult panurge until he made him angry. "my friend and neighbor," he said, "my sheep are meat only for kings and princes. they are too nice and dainty for such as thou." "be patient now, and please grant my request. only set thy price for one, and i will pay thee like a king." "thou art a fine fellow, truly," sneered dindeno; "but tell me first, hast thou ever seen such shoulders, such legs, such knuckles, such backs and breasts as thou canst see here? such strong ribs, out of which the small people in pigmy-land make cross-bows to shoot with cherry-stones those long-legged cranes in their country? think of all this for a second!" "peace, good man, i pray thee!" panurge was about to say more, when he was stopped all of a sudden by the skipper, who had just drawn near at the sound of loud voices, and had heard dindeno's sharp tones. "enough! enough! too much talk here!" he cried. "dindeno, if thou wantest to sell, sell. if thou wilt not, have done with it." "i am willing to sell, captain, for thy sake; but for thy sake alone," said the sheep-seller. "but he must pay me three french livres for his pick and choice." "that is a big price," said panurge, gently. "in my own country, i can buy five, nay, six fine rams for that much money." "but not such sheep as mine!" yelled dindeno, who was getting very angry that he had not vexed panurge. "really, sweet sir, thou art getting a little warm. come, now, the bargain is ended. here is thy price. give me my ram." [illustration: panurge buys a ram.] dindeno, in clutching angrily at the money, rudely pulled it out of the hands of the patient panurge. holding himself as straight as he could, with an innocent smile upon his face, panurge--having at last got what he wanted--looked around to make his choice. he soon picked out the finest ram in all the flock. the moment he caught hold of his ram, and began to haul it along, the poor beast set up a pitiful bleating. as soon as the rest of the sheep heard their leader bleating, they, too, set to crying and bleating, while staring at him with all their eyes wide open. meanwhile, dindeno, full of rage, was whispering to his shepherds,-"that long-nosed fellow knows how to choose! that ram he has taken was the very one i had put aside for my best friend, the lord of cancale!" as quick as lightning--before anybody knew what he was about; even before dindeno in fact, had turned away from whispering to his shepherds--panurge had caught up his bargain, bleating louder than ever, and thrown it overboard into the sea. at this, all the other sheep on the ship, crying and bleating just in the same sad key as their leader, began to scamper to the side and leap into the sea one after another. it was, with all of them, "who shall be first after our leader?" it being the nature of sheep, which are the silliest creatures in the world, always to follow their leader. [illustration: panurge throws his ram overboard.] when dindeno turned round and saw his precious sheep frisking and drowning themselves before his eyes, he was at his wits' end. he tore his hair, and called out to his shepherds, "help me save my sheep! help me!" then he ran forward, and tried to keep, by might and main, the sheep from jumping into the sea; but it was all in vain. one after the other frisked gaily forward, bleating sadly all the while, to the spot where they had seen panurge throw their leader overboard. at last dindeno, in his despair, caught hold of a big ram by the fleece, hoping to be able to keep him back, and, in that way, to save the rest. but the ram was stronger than dindeno, and bore him away with him into the sea, where both were drowned. this was, of course, bad enough; but there was something worse to come. all of dindeno's shepherds rushed forward to save the sheep, some catching them by the horns, some by the fleece, others by the legs, others still by their stumpy tails. it mattered little which way the poor innocent shepherds caught hold of the sheep, the sheep were too much for them, and they were all carried overboard into the sea, and drowned along with their master. [illustration: the sheep and shepherds drown.] all this time panurge was standing near the galley of the ship, holding an oar in his hand. this was not, you may well believe, to keep the poor shepherds from drowning. no! no! panurge was not so soft-hearted as _that!_ he used his oar only to keep the sheep from swimming up to the ship, crying out all the time,--"drown, foolish sheep, drown! it is sweeter to drown than to live and be butchered, you foolish sheep!" wicked panurge! he never once thought of dindeno and the innocent shepherds! chapter xxxvii. the island of alliances. [illustration: initial a.] after the slaughter of dindeno, his shepherds, and his sheep, pantagruel returned to his ship, and continued on his way to that land where he was hoping soon to meet the lovely princess, whose beauty had reached his ears from far india. as to the affair on board the merchant-ship, nobody could be found who was really to blame. panurge put on his most innocent look, and declared to pantagruel that he had only done what he had a perfect right to do,--thrown his own ram overboard. with a spanking breeze, the fleet made great speed. on the third day a triangular island, having something of the shape of sicily about it, was sighted. pantagruel and his friends, on landing, were met by one who called himself the mayor, who came puffing, and all red in the face from the haste he had made to get to the harbor, as soon as he heard that a strange craft was in port. "what is the name of this queer, three-cornered land, and who are its queer-nosed people?" whispered panurge, sharply twitching the mayor by the sleeve, as he was making his twelfth bow to pantagruel. nothing ever pleased the mayor more than to be called upon for an account of the island and its people. he had written a little history for the benefit of travellers, and knew every page of it by heart. in his own mind, he at once put panurge down as a very gifted personage, although he was willing to grant that pantagruel was the tallest and the noblest man who had ever stepped on the island. bowing to panurge, therefore, very politely, and having learned that it was pantagruel's wish for him to go on, he gave them an account as he led them from one point of interest in the island to the other. according to the mayor, the island was known as the "island of alliances." it used to be called, in the old times, "island of the noseless people," from the fact that the noses of all the men and women and little children were flat, and shaped like the ace of clubs. the island was small, but it was full of people, and had been inhabited for many thousand years. as ages rolled by, it was found to be of no use to try and keep up the family names; for, as there was no difference in the faces,--since all, big and little, rich and poor, had the same kind of club-nose, dumped exactly in the middle of the face,--nobody could claim any particular name. in their trouble, through much thinking, they at last formed a plan by which they could tell one from another. this was their plan:-they made up their minds to forget altogether, as unworthy of them, such barbarous relationships as father, mother, sister, brother, uncle, aunt, etc., and to call each other by the name of whatever one most wanted. in this way, the people of the island became as one family. so loving did they grow under this new rule that each one seemed to have a certain right to his neighbor, and never spoke to him without putting "_my_" before his name. if a little girl, for instance, wanted butter for her bread, she would call her mother "my _butter_;" if the mother wanted her thread, the call, "my _thread_," would bring the little girl running to find it for her. a young man would bow to a young lady, and say, "a lovely day, my sweet _evening walk_," and she would smile, and reply, "yes, my _fairest nosegay_." an old man would call to his son, "hurry, my _staff_," and the boy would answer, "at once, coming, my _purse_;" a learned professor would call his class to recite by ringing his bell for "my _good lessons_," and each scholar would salute him respectfully, as he marched into his room, with "good-morning, my _success_." a hungry man would call the bar-maid, "quick, my _oysters_," and she would answer, "yes, my _sixpence_." there could be no trouble under this new and wise law, for everything--even in the smallest matters--worked smoothly. there could be no sad marriages, because each one called for in the other what he or she most needed, and did not have. young men and maidens danced and sung half the year round, since they were always calling each other, "my gay _holiday_" and "my rich _feast_." the children, too, were happy, and laughed and played from eye-opening to eye-shutting time; old men and women talked around the fireside of the time when they were young, tenderly calling each other, "my dear gossip _snuff_" and "my good neighbor _pipe_." so close together did this people get to be that, in case of need, over three hundred thousand men, whose boast was that they all belonged to the same family, could march out of the city gates. so, at least, the mayor of club-noses declared. [illustration: the ace of clubs noses.] good pantagruel kept his eyes fixed upon the mayor, and his ears open to all that he was saying; but, at this last boast of three hundred thousand men in one family, he slightly frowned, and came near losing his usual sweet temper. the wordy mayor, frightened by the awful eyebrows about to meet together, began to feel a strange thirst; and, making a very low bow, proposed a cup of good-cheer at a neighboring inn. after some twenty or thirty bumpers each, pantagruel's party all went on board, and sailed at once, right before the wind, from the island of alliances, without stopping to see any more of its queer-nosed people. chapter xxxviii. how pantagruel came to the islands of tohu and bohu.--the strange death of widenostrils, the swallower of windmills. [illustration: initial p.] pantagruel stopped at two islands named tohu and bohu, which lay very close together. there had always seemed to be a somebody, or a something, very wonderful in the islands he had already passed; but there happened to be a more wonderful somebody in tohu and bohu than he had seen or heard of in any other place. when pantagruel landed with his friends at the quay of the principal town, where the chief men came to see him, he called for dinner; but behold! there was no dinner to be had. why? why, there was nothing to cook the dinner in! "how is that, my friend?" pantagruel asked the chief man. "because," he answered, "your highness has not brought your frying-pan along with you." "my frying-pan along with me! why, what do you mean? what has my frying-pan to do with the dinner you are to serve me?" "a great deal, your highness, since we have no pans of our own." "did you ever have any?" "any number, your highness, any number; but widenostrils has just eaten our last one." "has just eaten your last one, you say? pray who is this widenostrils who has a fancy for gobbling frying-pans?" "a wicked giant, almost as tall as your highness, who has swallowed all our windmills." "but windmills are not frying-pans, friend?" "no, your highness is quite right there; but i was just about to say that, when there were no more windmills to swallow, this wicked giant took to shovelling every skillet, kettle, frying-pan, dripping-pan, and brass and iron pot in the land down his big throat, and all for want of windmills, which were his daily food. that made him very sick. it almost killed him. we hoped it had killed him outright; but it didn't. but he is dying, now, sure enough." "dying of what?" asked pantagruel; "of eating frying-pans and skillets?" "i wish it was! some people do say so; but others, who are fishermen, and who live on the coast, and know everything that happens, declare that our giant went, a month ago, to another island, where he has been going for years, to swallow windmills, and vex the poor people there, and that he took in, with his last batch of windmills, i don't know how many cocks and hens. now that i remember, i did hear that his own doctor made the choking worse by making him eat a big lump of fresh butter too near a hot oven. all this is very strange, though--i can't quite make it out myself." "where is that great widenostrils? i should like to see him." "in yonder meadow. your highness will find him very sick." pantagruel and his friends crossed over to the meadow, and there found, under the blazing sun, an enormous giant stretched along the ground, breathing heavily through the most awful nostrils human eyes had ever seen; and every time he breathed through his nostrils they flapped with a loud noise, like a sail when the wind shifts. the giant looked, as he lay there, very tough and wooden-like, as though the thousands of windmills he had gulped down in his time had gradually turned his body into wood. when they came near him, widenostrils opened his eyes for a moment, first lazily, as he saw panurge and the other little men about him, then wildly rolling them around, in fearful efforts to see the whole of the giant, whose legs he had first caught sight of. it was only for a moment though; for widenostrils was dying. he half-rose on his elbows, quivering through all his big body, his nostrils all drooping and shutting close for want of air, yet found strength enough to yell out, "magic, magic! protect me, brother giant! cocks and hens are fluttering inside of me! cocks and hens are crowing and cackling within me! i am be----!" he was going to say _bewitched_, but he fell back with a thump, which shook the two islands to their centre, deep under the sea, and made the people in distant lands swear, ever after, that there had been a terrible earthquake on that day. [illustration: giant widenostrils, the swallower of windmills.] when panurge saw widenostrils fall back dead,--but not until then,--he went to the body, and, scrambling on its stomach, with the aid of gymnaste, listened carefully for a few moments. then, jumping down, he said to pantagruel:-"my lord, this widenostrils; this fine swallower of windmills; this eater of pans, and glutton of pots, is really dead! but i can swear that there are some things much like crowing cocks and cackling hens rummaging inside of his big body. once i heard something very much like a quick yelp followed by a sharp screech." pantagruel seemed not to hear panurge, for he stood a long time looking down at the body of a giant, who, when living, must have been nearly as tall as himself. on turning away, he said:-"i wonder where this wicked man, who loved windmills, and died from skillets, ever swallowed those fowls he talked about." he did not leave the island until he had ordered the dead giant honorable burial in the meadow where he had died. but he did not wait for the funeral. if widenostrils had been a good giant, he would have acted as chief mourner; but he had a fixed rule which he expressed by saying:-"giants should always be brotherly with giants, but only with good giants." chapter xxxix. a great storm, in which panurge plays the coward. [illustration: initial t.] the next morning the fleet started from tohu and bohu, cheered by the people, who were all in the best humor, because pantagruel had left among them a new stock of frying-pans and skillets, so shining that they could see their faces in them. the sky was bright; the wind was fair; the very sea seemed to laugh,--all the fleet was happy. but pantagruel sat on deck, looking very sad. friar john was the first to notice how still pantagruel was. on seeing his prince so glum, the good friar, who was always a comforting kind of man, was just about asking him the reason, when james brayer, the pilot, after cocking one eye at the sea, and the other at the sky, and then turning both eyes up towards the flag drooping on the poop, as though it would never wave again, knew that a storm was coming on, and, therefore, bid the boatswain pipe all hands on deck, and even summon the passengers. "in with your top-sails!" he shouted. "take in your spritsail! lower your foresail! lash your guns fast!"--all of which was done as quick as hands could do it. of a sudden, as though a great hand from above had swept down to stir the waters and make them mad, the sea began to swell, and moan and roar, and rise up into mountains, and sink into valleys. an awful north-west wind had got caught in with a hurricane,--so james brayer said,--and the two together whistled through the yards, and shrieked through the shrouds. the sky itself seemed to be splitting open, and dropping down thunder, lightning, rain, and hail. in broad daylight it grew all dark, and the water rose to mountains, and sank to the depths in perfect blackness, save for the great flashes of lightning that showed the white faces of men, and the whiter foam of the sea. it looked as though the end of the world had come, and that those on the sea had been the first to know it. [illustration: a storm comes on.] james brayer soon had every one about him busy at the work of saving the flag-ship. even pantagruel was pressed into service. it was no time for ceremony; the danger was too great for that. james brayer bawled through his trumpet:-"my lord, i must ask you to stand amidship. your highness is so heavy that, in a sea like this, whichever side of the ship you may be on is bound to keel over. the sea is mad,--i have never seen it so mad before!" pantagruel, in the midst of all this shouting of men, and raging of the waves, and shrieking of the winds, was kneeling perfectly quiet, but praying with all his good heart to the almighty deliverer to save them. hearing james brayer call, he at once rose from his knees, and said cheerfully:-"here i am, good pilot! but how am i to stand amidship without interfering with the handling of the ship?" "easily enough, your highness. all you have to do is to put your arms around the mainmast, and stand still." [illustration: pantagruel holds the mast.] this pantagruel did, holding the mast firmly with both hands, and keeping it straighter than two hundred tacklings could have done. everybody worked hard,--everybody except cowardly panurge, who, when the sea first began to churn, sank upon deck all in a heap, more dead than alive. he could do nothing but whine and cry _boo! boo! boo! boo!_ and call upon heaven to save him. in the meanwhile, all the others were as busy as beavers,--friar john, gymnaste, carpalim, xenomanes, even epistemon and old ponocrates himself! all did wonders; but nobody worked like friar john during all the storm; so, at least, declared james brayer. why, friar john even pulled off his monk's gown, a thing he had, until then, been known to do only once, and that was when he saved the abbey-vineyard. "it bothers me, and i can't work in it," he said, as he pulled it off. with his waistcoat for a coat, he stood at his post with strong arm and cheery word for everybody. every now and then he would glance at panurge, still squatted on deck and crying, "_boo! boo! boo! boo!_ friar john, my friend, good father, i am drowning. _boo! boo! boo!_ the water has got into my shoes. _boo! boo! boo! boboo!_ i drown! oh, how i wish i was a gardener, and planted cabbages, for then i would be sure of always having at least _one_ foot on land! oh, my friend, the keel goes up to the sun. i hear the hull splitting. we are all drowned! _boo! boo! boo! holos! holos!_" at last friar john's patience gave out,--it was at the close of the sixth hour he had been working,--and he roared out to panurge:-"what art thou bellowing there for, like a calf? panurge the cry-baby, panurge the whiner, would it not better become thee to help thyself and friends? come, be a man!" just then a huge sea broke on the deck. panurge was too frightened even to look up. all the answer he could give to friar john was, "_boo! boo! boo! boboo!_ the ship is capsized! i drown!" [illustration: a sea breaks over panurge.] at that moment, pantagruel's voice was heard even above the storm, so mighty was it in prayer: "save us, good lord, if it be thy will." the giant's prayer must have been heard. the thunder still crashed; the lightning still blazed; the rain still poured; but it was not half so bad as before. the sea still rose; but it rose in hills, not mountains, now. pantagruel still stood, as he had from the first, with his arms clinging to the mainmast while he braced it up, and his eyes trying to pierce through the blackness. at last, just as the day broke, he shouted:-"land! land! my children, i see land! we are not far from port. i can see the sky clearing up southwards. cheer up, all!" james brayer was at his side as quick as lightning. [illustration: land in sight.] "up, lads!" he shouted. "our prince sees land, and the sea is smoother. we can put out a trifle of sail. hands aloft to the maintop! mind your steerage; clear your sheets; port, port! helm-a-lee! steady, steady!" and steady it was, too. before all eyes on the ship land was now to be seen in full sight, some twenty miles off. the sun was just beginning to shine a little. the sea was no longer mad. it was only sobbing, sobbing, sobbing, as though half-ashamed it had so troubled the good giant who knew how to pray. [illustration: it was late in the afternoon.] it was late in the afternoon when james brayer brought the flag-ship into port. it was so late that it was resolved not to go on shore until next day. chapter xl. the island of the macreons, and its forest in which the heroes who are tempted by demons die. [illustration: initial t.] the next morning there was not a man in the whole fleet so spruce, so gay, so brave as panurge. "what cheer, ho! fore and aft?" he cried gaily. "good-day to you, gentlemen, good-day to you all. oh, ho! all's well, the storm is over. please be so kind as to let me be the first to go on shore. shall i help you before i go? here, let me see, i'll coil this rope; i have plenty of courage; give it to me, honest tar,--no, no, i haven't a bit of fear, not i. how now, friar john, you do nothing! well, so there's nothing for me to do. let us go on shore, then! truly this is a fine place!" [illustration: panurge revives.] while panurge was blustering, and making believe that he had not been crying and blubbering all during the storm, pantagruel and his company were paying no attention to him, but were making everything ready to go on shore. on landing they were met most kindly by the people of the island, which turned out to be a small one, known as the island of macreons, macreon being a greek word meaning an "old man." therefore, the island of macreons was only another name for the "island of old men." a venerable macreon, with long white beard, reaching to his waist, who was the high sheriff of the island, stepped forward, and gravely invited pantagruel to go with him to the town hall, where he could take a rest after his fatigue, and be sure of a little luncheon afterwards. but the giant would not leave the quay until all his men had got ashore, and with enough provisions to last them while at work on the ships, which needed many repairs after the storm. this was done at once, and then began the carouse both in the town hall and among the men along the quay. there is no telling now how much was really eaten and drunk during that day; but there was enough for every one. the people of the island brought their victuals. the pantagruelists brought theirs. it was something more than a lunch, as it turned out. it was a real picnic on a large scale; everybody giving his share of the feast, and making the most of what the others brought. after the meal pantagruel took his officers aside, and told them that, as the ships had been strained by the storm, they should set to work to make them sound again. as soon as the people of the island heard of the trouble many offered to help. this they could easily do as they were all, more or less, carpenters, having a large forest behind three very small ports. [illustration: the dark and gloomy forest.] at pantagruel's request the white-bearded macreon, whose name was macrobius, showed him all that was strange or wonderful in the island. leaving the harbor, he took the giant into the dark and gloomy forest, which was found at the entrance to be full of ruined temples, obelisks, pyramids, and crumbling tombs. over most of these were inscriptions and epitaphs, some in strange letters, none could read, not even panurge; others in ionic characters; others in the arabic; others in the icelandic. "our heroes come," the old man explained, "from every land on the earth." [illustration: pantagruel in the graveyard.] macrobius asked pantagruel how it was that he and his fleet could have survived the awful storm and reached port, when the macreons could see that all the air and the earth were in wild uproar. pantagruel answered, with that simple faith of his which gives the smallest dwarf the strength of the tallest giant, "friend, it was god's will." after which, he asked him whether these great storms were common around their coast. the old man then told a very sad tale. "pilgrim," he said, in a broken voice, "this poor island of ours was once rich, great, and full of young people. now there are no young people in it, and it is only full of old men like myself, and of shadows that we can feel, but never can see; shadows that we love, but never can know; shadows that move about in yonder forest you see stretched out before you, and, when their hour comes, die in its darkest depths. no common shadow ever yet lived or ever yet died in our forest. it is the dwelling-place only of heroes and of demons." [illustration: the demons and the heroes.] "of heroes and demons?" cried pantagruel, amazed. "yes, of heroes, who, after being great on earth and seeming to die there, come here to live another life, and to suffer, and to show themselves great for a final trial; and of demons who are given power to roam the forest at will, only to mock, and laugh, and lure, if they can, the heroes to sin." "how do the demons lure the heroes to sin?" "by trying to make them forget that to be good is the only way to be great." "do the heroes ever yield?" "yes, pilgrim, often, too often; and there is our great grief. if they once yield, they die at the moment of sinning, and there is neither storm at sea nor grief in the forest. we never can know when the bad heroes pass away. but ah! it is when the true heroes, who, though tempted, will not yield, die," and here macrobius stretched out his hands towards the dark line of trees as though in prayer, "that we learn of it to our sorrow. pilgrim!" he cried, while the tears, dry, like the tears old men shed, trickled down his withered cheeks into his white beard, "we were sure yesterday that we had lost another good hero." "and what made thee sure, good macrobius?" "because we noticed that a comet, which we had seen for three days before the storm, of a sudden grew dim, and that it shines no more. then, yesterday, when the sea was at its worst, we could hear loud cries in the forest; feel tremblings in the earth under us; and in the air about us there were breathings and black clouds. listen, now, the trees are calling some name, i know they are. i am old; my hearing is faint. do you not hear voices?" [illustration: "we had lost another good hero."] pantagruel listened intently; but, even with his quick ears, could only hear a mournful sough, as though coming over the tops of the trees from a great distance. "not voices, but more like sobs, good old man. they may be weeping for the hero who died yesterday. canst thou tell me his name?" "ah, pilgrim, there, too, is our cross! it is not given to us to learn the name of a hero who has died until a year after the forest has moaned, and the sea has wept, and the earth has trembled." "and how dost thou show him honor?" "we place in this part of the forest which we are allowed to enter, and on the tree he best loved when alive, a verse reciting his name, and saying that another hero has died, but not until the good god had given him the power to be greater than sin." chapter xli. pantagruel touches at the wonderful island of ruach, where giant widenostrils had found the cocks and hens which killed him. how the people lived by wind. [illustration: initial a.] as soon as the ships had been calked and repaired, and fresh food had been taken in, james brayer gave the word to sail; and the fleet set out, with the feeble shouts of the good old men in their ears, from the island of macreons. two days after this the fleet touched at the island of ruach, which pantagruel found to be the strangest, in one thing, of any he had yet seen. that one thing was wind. in other words, the people of ruach lived on _wind_. they had nothing else to live on; they ate nothing, they drank nothing, but _wind_. the very houses they built were always as near windmills as they could build them. in their gardens they never grew cabbages, peas, beans, radishes,--only three different kinds of anemones, or wind-flowers. when they felt hungry, and there happened to be no wind stirring, the common people of the island, to start a breeze, used fans of feathers, or of paper, or of linen, as their means allowed. as for the rich, they lived by the whirl of their windmills,--the finest and the strongest wind, they declared, they could ever eat. whenever they had a feast, the ruachians would spread their tables under one windmill, and, if the table was long enough, it was made to stretch under two. while they were eating, or rather drinking, in the wind from the great-winged mills, the guests would be discussing among themselves the excellence, beauty, and rarity of their various kinds of wind. one would smack his lips, and whistle out,--they all whistled instead of talking:-"ah! how delightful this south-west breeze!" another: "how refreshing this south-east?" another: "but do taste a little of this western, i beg you! how healthful!" another: "how choice this east-by-north!" another: "will none of you join me in this exquisite south?" and so forth. [illustration: the land of wind.] pantagruel wondered at all this whistling; but he opened his eyes wider than ever when he caught sight of a big, bloated fellow whipping, with his slipper, a servant-man and a boy. when he asked what was the matter, he was told that the bloated fellow had accused the man and the boy of stealing from him the better half of a large leathern bag of southerly wind, which he had put by for his own private winter-use. all pantagruel said to this was, "this is very strange." while he was on his way to the king's palace, on invitation, he saw several of the islanders, with large fans in their hands, taking a walk. the rich islanders were all stout. the poor islanders were all thin. it was a fight for wind; and the windmills and big fans won it. the people of ruach had these two proverbs always in their mouths:- small fans make small wind. great fans make great wind. these were the only proverbs which had ever been known among them. when he met the king of the island, pantagruel began to pay him compliments on the cheapness of the food of the people. "you live on wind; it costs you nothing; you have only to breathe to take in your food; you and your people must be very happy." "not so happy as you may think, noble giant. we have our troubles, like any other people." "troubles! why, what troubles can you have?" "i will tell you. every year, in the spring, a wicked giant, named widenostrils, who lives, i believe, in the island of tohu, comes here for his health by the advice of his physicians. the moment he steps on shore he begins to swallow our windmills. we are not afraid of widenostrils for ourselves, although he is so horrid a monster; but we have a mortal fear of him for our windmills. it will not be long before there will be no more windmills left! then what are we to do? we must have wind; for without wind we must die." [illustration: "without wind we must die."] "have you never tried to keep that wicked giant away?" "yes; often and often; and it was only last spring that we hit upon what we thought to be a good plan. about the time we were expecting a visit from widenostrils, we sent to a neighboring island to get us a supply of cocks and hens. as soon as we got them, we filled our largest windmills with them. as usual, widenostrils, when he landed, began to gobble up one windmill after another. very soon the roosters began to crow, and the hens began to cackle, and both began to fly about inside his stomach. then widenostrils got very sick, and lay down in yonder field gasping for a whole day. as he lay down the strangest thing happened." "what was that, friend?" "of course, with the cocks and hens crowing and cackling and making such a to-do in his stomach, here and there, widenostrils kept his mouth open, hoping they would get tired and fly out. seeing his big mouth open, what should all the foxes in the neighborhood, which are very tame, as we never hunt them, scenting the cocks and hens inside, do but scamper after them through the monster's throat? we were afraid to have the wicked giant die among us, so we managed to rouse him, although he was very sick, and even helped him to reach his ship, which sailed away at once. but of what use after all? our curse will be back next spring. if the cocks and hens and foxes don't kill him, what can we do?" "have no more fear, friend," said pantagruel; "widenostrils, the giant, the swallower of your windmills, is dead. i am sure of that, for i myself saw his corpse in tohu. one of my friends here can tell you more. what, ho! panurge!" "that can i, your majesty," cried panurge, stepping briskly forward. "the giant widenostrils died from having too many cocks and hens and foxes in his stomach. i heard in his stomach, with my own ears,--which are pretty sharp ones,--as he lay stretched out in the meadow, cocks crowing, hens cackling, foxes yelping, and by my faith, i thought the foxes were getting the better of the cocks and the hens." "thank heaven! we can build our dear windmills again, and we shall not die," cried the king, who at once sent his herald to announce the good news through the island. chapter xlii. how pantagruel with his darts kills a monster which cannon-balls could not hurt.--the power of the sign of the cross. [illustration: initial a.] about sundown of the day when the fleet left ruach, as they were coming near wild island, pantagruel's keen eye spied, far off, a huge whale, which, raised above the waters higher than the maintop, came straight towards the fleet, blowing and spouting from its horrid nostrils so high a stream of water that it seemed to be a swollen river rushing down a mountain's side. [illustration: pantagruel spies a monster.] pantagruel pointed out the whale to the pilot and to xenomanes. james brayer was the first one to give advice, and his advice was always worth listening to. what he advised was that the trumpets of the thalmege should be sounded so as to warn all the fleet to stand close, and look to themselves. at this alarm, every ship, galleon, frigate, and brigantine (according to naval discipline) placed itself in such order as to form the greek y,--the flag-ship being in the centre. this proved that james brayer, while being a good sailor, had been landsman enough sometimes to watch cranes fly in the air. for the letter y is just the figure that the cranes in their journeys--the leader always being in front--choose in winging their long or short ways across the sky. of course the first one to get on the forecastle, where he could have a word with the grenadiers, was friar john! brave friar john! he was the right-hand where anything strong or good was to be done. as to panurge, he began to cry and howl at the top of his voice. "_boo! boo! boo!_ this is a worse business than that of the other day," he blubbered, shrugging up his shoulders and shivering in his fright. "that frightful thing over there is the horrid leviathan job spoke of! i am sure he is coming to swallow us all up, ships, sails, men and all, like so many pills. ah! friends, let's escape the monster. the land is near; let us go on shore!" "panurge," said pantagruel, turning round, "all thou hast to do is to trust to me. have no fear; i shall do its business presently." "oh, your highness knows well enough that i am never afraid except when there is danger! _boo! boo! boo!_" while panurge was whimpering, the monster had got fairly into the greek y made by the fleet. it was the whale which began the fight. the moment it found itself inside the angle, and saw the ships on each side of it, it wheeled around and began to spout water by whole tons upon them. then it was that the ships took up the war. they all set to work as though they were mad, to hurl against the whale on every side arrows, spears, darts, javelins, and harpoons. never had there been seen such a storm of deadly weapons whistling through the air at one time. you may be sure that friar john did not spare himself. panurge nearly died from fright. [illustration: shooting at the whale.] the artillery belched out largest balls; but they didn't do the least harm. all they did was to strike the monster's tough, black hide and slant off. when he saw how so much good powder was being wasted, pantagruel thought it was high time for him to keep his promise to panurge. he had, when a boy, a great name for throwing darts, javelins, and such missiles. there was not a man around the royal palace of utopia who had not seen, more than once, his wonderful skill in dart-throwing; for, with his immense darts, which were so large that they looked very much like the huge beams that support the bridges of nantes and saumur and bergerac, he used, standing a mile off, to open an oyster without breaking its shell; snuff a candle without putting it out; shoot a magpie in the eye; and he had even been known to turn over leaf after leaf of friar john's breviary, and not tear one of them. pantagruel had already found out that there was a fine store of darts in the ship, and he ordered a good supply to be laid on the deck before him. with the first dart, hurled with a mighty force, he struck the whale so furiously in the head that he pierced both its jaws and its tongue, making one piece of the three. [illustration: pantagruel tries his hand.] this was a great victory. the monster could not spurt any more. with the second dart he put out its right eye. with the third he put out its left. then everybody began to crowd around to look in safety at the whale, which, if it had not been for the giant's darts, might have ended in drowning the whole fleet, but which was now rolling and staggering about on the waves, stunned and blinded. the creature was still alive, and might yet do some harm; and so pantagruel, who was watching every movement, threw out a fourth dart, which struck it under the tail. then the giant began to hurl his darts, one after another, on each side of the black hide, not wildly, but with the same care and skill with which he had once turned the leaves of friar john's breviary. fifty darts struck it on one side. fifty darts more struck it on the other side. this was too much for the monster. it turned on its greasy back, as all dead fishes do, and floated without motion, looking, with the beams and darts upside down in the water, like a gigantic centipede crawling on the sea, with the tips of its hundred feet just showing, every now and then, above the surface of the waves. [illustration: the death of the monster.] just as soon as the whale was seen to be floating, james brayer shouted, "a boat's crew, to bring yonder carcass to the island!" in a trice a boat manned by strong men, and filled with harpoons, was towing the whale towards wild island. the giant himself took no notice of all this; but, having seen from the deck a small deserted seaport towards the south, he fixed on a fine, pleasant grove near it, as a good place to pitch tent and have a gay time after their victory. once there, friar john, who was near his side, at a word from the giant, rang the bell for supper. pantagruel took to eating cheerfully with his men. of a sudden, fierce cries were heard from the forest, a half mile or so back from the little grove. [illustration: landing the monster.] "what is that?" asked pantagruel of xenomanes. "only the wild creatures, sir, who have given this wild island its name. some say they are demons. by raising your head you may see them over the hill in yonder thicket." [illustration: on wild island.] pantagruel, without further word, rushed from the table to scour the thicket. the whole company rose and followed him. it was not long before he had, with great strides, reached the top of the ridge, whence he could see a dark line, unbroken, save here and there by black banners, of gigantic forms half lost in the shadows of the thicket. the moment the dark shapes saw pantagruel on the ridge, they began to utter loud cries, and more than one mighty form stepped out from the line to threaten. but when friar john, xenomanes, and the rest appeared on the ridge, a howl of defiance broke from the thicket. the dark masses seemed beside themselves with rage, and all at once the line was broken. "by my faith," said pantagruel, "they are demons, xenomanes! look, they have wings, and their wings are as black as their banners!" this was true. the dark masses had only broken so as to give themselves space to raise their wings in triumph at seeing so many wretched mortals ready for destruction. often and often had crews, thrown by shipwreck upon wild island, reached the shore and had never been heard of more. "these are demons; bless us, friar john," whispered pantagruel. "what can sinful men do against them?" and, even while saying this, and without knowing it, the prayerful giant was making the sign of the cross. at the sacred sign there was, of a sudden, a lifting of black banners. then, with a flapping of heavy wings, a great stir of mighty bodies leaving the thickets and rising into the air; the dark masses came sweeping over the very ridge where pantagruel was, on their way to the sea, casting a blacker shadow than the coming night, shrieking and wailing as they passed. from that blessed day, shipwrecked sailors have wandered in safety through the forest, and never met a demon. for wild island is wild no more. chapter xliii. which tells of several islands, and the wonderful people who lived in them. [illustration: initial n.] next day, having been favored with a fair wind all night, they stopped at the island of sadness, where all the people had once been very rich, but were then very poor. pantagruel found that nothing was to be seen on such an island except fear, want, and misery. so he did no more than step, for a few moments, into the church, near the harbor. on coming out, he ordered that eighteen thousand royal gold pieces should be given out for the relief of the poor people, and then he went on shipboard, not being willing to stay there any longer. leaving this desolate island, a strong breeze sprang up, that brought them, after one day, to the blessed island of papimany, where lived a people so hospitable that some of them went every day to the port to see if any strangers had come. as soon as anchor had been dropped,--in fact, even before the ship had been well-moored,--four chief men rowed out in a skiff to pay their respects to pantagruel. on the strangers going ashore, men, women, and children marched to meet them in a procession that reached from one end of the island to the other, and gave a welcome of cheers that lasted above a quarter of an hour. [illustration: the hospitable folk of papimany.] in the midst of all this joy, the school-master of the place, anxious that his boys should miss no chance of seeing what was for their good, came up with all his teachers, ushers, and school-boys, to show them, with their own eyes, a giant so tall and renowned as pantagruel. after which, in order to keep the lads from ever forgetting what they had seen, the chief school-master threw off his gown and went to work in a hurry to give each of them a sound thrashing. this displeased the giant so greatly that he shouted, "if you do not leave off whipping those poor children, i shall go at once." in his fright at this great voice booming so high up in the air, the chief school-master dropped his rod with one hand, and, with his other, the poor little fellow whose turn had just come, while all the boys, big and little--those who had had their whipping, as well as those who hadn't had it--crowded around the good giant's big feet to thank him. at this moment the mayor rode up on a mule with green trappings, and carried pantagruel and his party off to dinner. nothing could be finer than the feasting of this good people; but pantagruel, anxious to catch the good wind which was then springing up, only stayed for this grand dinner. before leaving, he had his men to bring on shore nine pieces of cloth of gold, which he presented to his entertainers; filled the poor-box of the church with gold; scattered sweetmeats among the children; and ordered much money to be given to the servants who had waited on them at table. [illustration: the mayor rode up.] out at sea once more, they sailed on for several days without incident. one day, however, when they were at table eating, drinking, and telling stories, pantagruel went on deck to look at the sea. after looking out a while, he began to turn his great ears towards the sky, and it was then he called out, "do you hear nothing, gentlemen? it seems to me some people are talking above us, yet i can see no one. listen!" so the whole company got up from the table, ran on deck, and set to cocking up their eyes and clapping their hands to their ears; but all would not do; they could neither see nor hear anything. pantagruel, standing with his eyes still looking up, continued to hear the voices. at last some sharp-eared fellow cried, "i think i hear _something_." then, all at once, every man on board began to cry out that he could plainly hear voices of men and neighing of horses; but, as nothing could be seen, everybody was mightily frightened, and panurge worse than all. nothing would do him but to beg friar john to stay by him, saying that they were all undone, and that there was no fooling with the devil. "we are undone," he whimpered. "just listen to those guns. let's flee! there are our sails and oars; why can't we use them? i never was brave at sea; not that i am afraid! oh, no! for i fear nothing but danger, that i don't! we are all dead men; set off! set off!" [illustration: entering the frozen sea.] pantagruel, hearing all this noise, called out, without turning about, "who talks of fleeing? let us see, rather, who these people may be; they may be friends. i can discover nothing, though i can see, with my eyes, a hundred miles around." just then, james brayer came up, as if he had something important on his mind, and said, "have no fear, my lord; i can make all this clear. we are on the confines of the frozen sea. at the beginning of last winter, a great and bloody battle was fought not far from here. then the words and shouts of the men; the hacking and clashing of battle-axes; the jostling of armor: the neighing of horses, and all the noise and din of battle, froze in the air; and now, the winter being over, and the summer having come, all these sounds have melted, and we can hear them." pantagruel, who at first had thought it to be witchcraft, which he hated above all things, of a sudden cried out, "why, sure enough, here are some tumbling down that are not yet thawed!" [illustration: a shower of frozen words.] he then threw on deck a handful of what seemed to be rough sugar-plums, but which were, in fact, frozen words. everybody--even panurge, who, by this time had plucked up heart, on hearing what james brayer had said--ran here and there, picking up the sugar-plums. pantagruel was sure that he had never seen, in all his travels, anything quite so odd as these sugar-plums; for many of them melted almost before he could throw them down, leaving his hand all wet with water; while his ears were stunned from below by the awful shouts and groans of men, the whistling of bullets, the heavy boom of cannon, and the wild, shrill neighing of war-horses, which all came out as those queer sugar-plums melted on deck. [illustration: landing on the rocks.] the next day pantagruel went ashore on a rugged, craggy, barren island, where cocks are never heard to crow, and where lived gaster, the first master of arts in the world. being himself a scholar, he wanted to make the acquaintance of the first master of arts. he found him a most wonderful and despotic old king, who talked with every one by signs, for he could not hear, having been born without ears. gaster never bothered himself for anybody's comfort or convenience but his own, and pantagruel soon noticed that no one ever tried to reason with him. at his smallest sign, all present, whether courtiers or foreigners, anxiously inquired what was his will, and hurried off, running themselves out of breath, and knocking each other over in their hurry to do what he wanted. pantagruel watched master gaster very closely, in order to see if he deserved his great name for learning. he was not long in finding out that the old glutton, being a great lover of corn, had invented machines for cultivating it, and many mills for grinding it fine and white; also recipes for baking it into delicious loaves and cakes, for master gaster made signs that nothing put him into a greater passion than heavy bread. he also had a knowledge of many curious arts that he had studied out for the preservation of his beloved corn,--such as keeping the rain up in the air, and how to coax it down just at the time it was wanted; also a way to destroy the hail, and prevent the winds from blowing, and to crush the storms, and a thousand other wonderful things. [illustration: master gaster.] master epistemon was greatly interested in all these fine inventions, and prevailed upon pantagruel to stay much longer than he wished, for this first master of arts, with all his wisdom, had very rude manners. pantagruel, not being very skilful, as we already know, in talking by signs, got so tired after a while that he couldn't put up with it any longer; so he turned his broad back upon the greedy old man, and gave the order to go on board. not long after they were under way the wind fell, so that there was not a capful in all the sails of the fleet. pantagruel's ship could hardly get along, although james brayer kept tacking all the time. everybody was put out of sorts by this accident, and moped about, scarcely speaking a word to each other. pantagruel nodded over his book on the quarter-deck; panurge idly played with a piece of rope, pulling it about with his teeth; while friar john marched off to the pantry, to see what the cook might be doing. after two or three hours in the galley, here came friar john, puffing and blowing, to pantagruel, upstairs. finding him awake, he asked:-"will your highness be so kind as to tell us how a man can kill time and raise a good wind at sea?" pantagruel gave a yawn, and said, half-laughing, "a good dinner will kill time quicker than anything else, as you, my good friar john, better than most men, know. have dinner served! maybe the wind will come with the dinner." friar john needed no second hint. it was the good friar's boast that he knew and loved the ceremonies of the kitchen much better than he did those of the court. so, at these words, he hurried downstairs, and soon marched in at the head of the stewards, cup-bearers, and carvers, who bore four stately meat-pasties. at the sight of these fine viands all the mouths began to water, and they were soon deep in feasting and drinking. [illustration: the isle of ganabim.] while they were thus passing their time merrily, and making up riddles for pantagruel to guess, the dull weather also passed away; and, the breeze having freshened, with full sails set, they were soon making up for the time they had lost. not long after, they came in sight of a high land, which pantagruel, first discovering, pointed out to xenomanes, and asked him:-"what is that high rock yonder, with two tops?" "that, your highness, is the island of ganabim. the people who live there are all thieves. yet there is on the top of that very mountain a fountain worth seeing, since it is the finest fountain in the world. does your highness wish to go on shore?" "ho! not i," replied pantagruel; "but, for the honor of the finest fountain in the world, we ought to give a salute as we pass." as the flag-ship came just in front of the rock the gunner fired. at once, the gunners of the other ships gave, every one, a gun to the island, which made so mighty a noise that it seemed as if the sky was about tumbling down in thunder. [illustration: sharp island.] the next day they sighted sharp island, an unhealthy country, with rocks shooting up in an ugly way everywhere through the barren soil. the pilot pointed out two cube-shaped rocks that were so white they might have been taken for alabaster. he said they were filled with demons and caused more wrecks, both of men and goods, than the famous scylla and charybdis. of course, the flag-ship and all the fleet steered far out to sea in passing sharp island. sailing four days, toward nightfall of the last day, they came near the fairy-like shores of lanternland. for leagues around the sea seemed twinkling with fires, that gave a tremulous sparkle, or, darting up into bright light, hovered a while over the water, and then would be lost, only to be found again shining nearer and brighter than before. james brayer said that the whole coast was planted with light-houses. xenomanes confirmed this, adding, that "there was no port in the world equal to those of lanternland, and no coast where the piloting was so safe." [illustration: the shores of lanternland.] here they stopped for a day, and were received with great friendship by the queen of that country. pantagruel was greatly vexed that he could not speak the lantern language, so as to talk with her majesty; but, panurge, who understood it just as well as he did his maternal french, acted as his interpreter. after supping with her majesty in the royal banquet hall, pantagruel asked whether he had reached the island too late to be in time for their great annual fair. he was told that the fair was already over; and he then acquainted the queen with the purpose of his voyage, and prayed her to grant him a guide to the kingdom of india. of course the queen was greatly interested when she heard that it was love for the bright little princess of india which had brought a giant so great a distance. she promised all he asked, and assured him that he should have her own particular guide--the best in all lanternland--to go with them the next morning. [illustration: the queen of lanterns.] pantagruel, after saluting her majesty with such majestic grace as became so stately a prince, withdrew, followed by his friends, to take some rest. the next day, having first seen that their guide was on board, they took their leave, amid the glad cheers and huzzas of the good lanternists, who vowed that, if they had only stopped one more night, they would have made such a blaze along the coast as would have lighted them half-way to india. every story must have its ending. and the ending of this story is that the good prince pantagruel, led by his guide from lanternland, first passed over the caspian mountains in search of his charming princess; then defied the cannibals; conquered the island of pearls; and, at last, after reaching india, married the lovely daughter of king prestham of that land. to tell the story of the supper which good king gargantua had promised to give pantagruel, and which was to equal that of king ahasuerus, and of the great and valorous deeds of pantagruel, after his marriage, would make a history much more wonderful than what you have just read. but this is a part of his life which the wise man--who so loved the three good giants, grandgousier, gargantua, and pantagruel--promised to write, but never did. the end. master francis rabelais five books of the lives, heroic deeds and sayings of gargantua and his son pantagruel [illustration: he did cry like a cow--frontispiece] [illustration: titlepage] translated into english by sir thomas urquhart of cromarty and peter antony motteux the text of the first two books of rabelais has been reprinted from the first edition (1653) of urquhart's translation. footnotes initialled 'm.' are drawn from the maitland club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the translator. urquhart's translation of book iii. appeared posthumously in 1693, with a new edition of books i. and ii., under motteux's editorship. motteux's rendering of books iv. and v. followed in 1708. occasionally (as the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by motteux have been restored from the 1738 copy edited by ozell. [illustration: rabelais dissecting society--portrait2] contents. [illustration: francois rabelais--portrait] introduction. had rabelais never written his strange and marvellous romance, no one would ever have imagined the possibility of its production. it stands outside other things--a mixture of mad mirth and gravity, of folly and reason, of childishness and grandeur, of the commonplace and the out-of-the-way, of popular verve and polished humanism, of mother-wit and learning, of baseness and nobility, of personalities and broad generalization, of the comic and the serious, of the impossible and the familiar. throughout the whole there is such a force of life and thought, such a power of good sense, a kind of assurance so authoritative, that he takes rank with the greatest; and his peers are not many. you may like him or not, may attack him or sing his praises, but you cannot ignore him. he is of those that die hard. be as fastidious as you will; make up your mind to recognize only those who are, without any manner of doubt, beyond and above all others; however few the names you keep, rabelais' will always remain. we may know his work, may know it well, and admire it more every time we read it. after being amused by it, after having enjoyed it, we may return again to study it and to enter more fully into its meaning. yet there is no possibility of knowing his own life in the same fashion. in spite of all the efforts, often successful, that have been made to throw light on it, to bring forward a fresh document, or some obscure mention in a forgotten book, to add some little fact, to fix a date more precisely, it remains nevertheless full of uncertainty and of gaps. besides, it has been burdened and sullied by all kinds of wearisome stories and foolish anecdotes, so that really there is more to weed out than to add. this injustice, at first wilful, had its rise in the sixteenth century, in the furious attacks of a monk of fontevrault, gabriel de puy-herbault, who seems to have drawn his conclusions concerning the author from the book, and, more especially, in the regrettable satirical epitaph of ronsard, piqued, it is said, that the guises had given him only a little pavillon in the forest of meudon, whereas the presbytery was close to the chateau. from that time legend has fastened on rabelais, has completely travestied him, till, bit by bit, it has made of him a buffoon, a veritable clown, a vagrant, a glutton, and a drunkard. the likeness of his person has undergone a similar metamorphosis. he has been credited with a full moon of a face, the rubicund nose of an incorrigible toper, and thick coarse lips always apart because always laughing. the picture would have surprised his friends no less than himself. there have been portraits painted of rabelais; i have seen many such. they are all of the seventeenth century, and the greater number are conceived in this jovial and popular style. as a matter of fact there is only one portrait of him that counts, that has more than the merest chance of being authentic, the one in the chronologie collee or coupee. under this double name is known and cited a large sheet divided by lines and cross lines into little squares, containing about a hundred heads of illustrious frenchmen. this sheet was stuck on pasteboard for hanging on the wall, and was cut in little pieces, so that the portraits might be sold separately. the majority of the portraits are of known persons and can therefore be verified. now it can be seen that these have been selected with care, and taken from the most authentic sources; from statues, busts, medals, even stained glass, for the persons of most distinction, from earlier engravings for the others. moreover, those of which no other copies exist, and which are therefore the most valuable, have each an individuality very distinct, in the features, the hair, the beard, as well as in the costume. not one of them is like another. there has been no tampering with them, no forgery. on the contrary, there is in each a difference, a very marked personality. leonard gaultier, who published this engraving towards the end of the sixteenth century, reproduced a great many portraits besides from chalk drawings, in the style of his master, thomas de leu. it must have been such drawings that were the originals of those portraits which he alone has issued, and which may therefore be as authentic and reliable as the others whose correctness we are in a position to verify. now rabelais has here nothing of the roger bontemps of low degree about him. his features are strong, vigorously cut, and furrowed with deep wrinkles; his beard is short and scanty; his cheeks are thin and already worn-looking. on his head he wears the square cap of the doctors and the clerks, and his dominant expression, somewhat rigid and severe, is that of a physician and a scholar. and this is the only portrait to which we need attach any importance. this is not the place for a detailed biography, nor for an exhaustive study. at most this introduction will serve as a framework on which to fix a few certain dates, to hang some general observations. the date of rabelais' birth is very doubtful. for long it was placed as far back as 1483: now scholars are disposed to put it forward to about 1495. the reason, a good one, is that all those whom he has mentioned as his friends, or in any real sense his contemporaries, were born at the very end of the fifteenth century. and, indeed, it is in the references in his romance to names, persons, and places, that the most certain and valuable evidence is to be found of his intercourse, his patrons, his friendships, his sojournings, and his travels: his own work is the best and richest mine in which to search for the details of his life. like descartes and balzac, he was a native of touraine, and tours and chinon have only done their duty in each of them erecting in recent years a statue to his honour, a twofold homage reflecting credit both on the province and on the town. but the precise facts about his birth are nevertheless vague. huet speaks of the village of benais, near bourgeuil, of whose vineyards rabelais makes mention. as the little vineyard of la deviniere, near chinon, and familiar to all his readers, is supposed to have belonged to his father, thomas rabelais, some would have him born there. it is better to hold to the earlier general opinion that chinon was his native town; chinon, whose praises he sang with such heartiness and affection. there he might well have been born in the lamproie house, which belonged to his father, who, to judge from this circumstance, must have been in easy circumstances, with the position of a well-to-do citizen. as la lamproie in the seventeenth century was a hostelry, the father of rabelais has been set down as an innkeeper. more probably he was an apothecary, which would fit in with the medical profession adopted by his son in after years. rabelais had brothers, all older than himself. perhaps because he was the youngest, his father destined him for the church. the time he spent while a child with the benedictine monks at seuille is uncertain. there he might have made the acquaintance of the prototype of his friar john, a brother of the name of buinart, afterwards prior of sermaize. he was longer at the abbey of the cordeliers at la baumette, half a mile from angers, where he became a novice. as the brothers du bellay, who were later his maecenases, were then studying at the university of angers, where it is certain he was not a student, it is doubtless from this youthful period that his acquaintance and alliance with them should date. voluntarily, or induced by his family, rabelais now embraced the ecclesiastical profession, and entered the monastery of the franciscan cordeliers at fontenay-le-comte, in lower poitou, which was honoured by his long sojourn at the vital period of his life when his powers were ripening. there it was he began to study and to think, and there also began his troubles. in spite of the wide-spread ignorance among the monks of that age, the encyclopaedic movement of the renaissance was attracting all the lofty minds. rabelais threw himself into it with enthusiasm, and latin antiquity was not enough for him. greek, a study discountenanced by the church, which looked on it as dangerous and tending to freethought and heresy, took possession of him. to it he owed the warm friendship of pierre amy and of the celebrated guillaume bude. in fact, the greek letters of the latter are the best source of information concerning this period of rabelais' life. it was at fontenay-le-comte also that he became acquainted with the brissons and the great jurist andre tiraqueau, whom he never mentions but with admiration and deep affection. tiraqueau's treatise, de legibus connubialibus, published for the first time in 1513, has an important bearing on the life of rabelais. there we learn that, dissatisfied with the incomplete translation of herodotus by laurent valla, rabelais had retranslated into latin the first book of the history. that translation unfortunately is lost, as so many other of his scattered works. it is probably in this direction that the hazard of fortune has most discoveries and surprises in store for the lucky searcher. moreover, as in this law treatise tiraqueau attacked women in a merciless fashion, president amaury bouchard published in 1522 a book in their defence, and rabelais, who was a friend of both the antagonists, took the side of tiraqueau. it should be observed also in passing, that there are several pages of such audacious plain-speaking, that rabelais, though he did not copy these in his marriage of panurge, has there been, in his own fashion, as out spoken as tiraqueau. if such freedom of language could be permitted in a grave treatise of law, similar liberties were certainly, in the same century, more natural in a book which was meant to amuse. the great reproach always brought against rabelais is not the want of reserve of his language merely, but his occasional studied coarseness, which is enough to spoil his whole work, and which lowers its value. la bruyere, in the chapter des ouvrages de l'esprit, not in the first edition of the caracteres, but in the fifth, that is to say in 1690, at the end of the great century, gives us on this subject his own opinion and that of his age: 'marot and rabelais are inexcusable in their habit of scattering filth about their writings. both of them had genius enough and wit enough to do without any such expedient, even for the amusement of those persons who look more to the laugh to be got out of a book than to what is admirable in it. rabelais especially is incomprehensible. his book is an enigma,--one may say inexplicable. it is a chimera; it is like the face of a lovely woman with the feet and the tail of a reptile, or of some creature still more loathsome. it is a monstrous confusion of fine and rare morality with filthy corruption. where it is bad, it goes beyond the worst; it is the delight of the basest of men. where it is good, it reaches the exquisite, the very best; it ministers to the most delicate tastes.' putting aside the rather slight connection established between two men of whom one is of very little importance compared with the other, this is otherwise very admirably said, and the judgment is a very just one, except with regard to one point--the misunderstanding of the atmosphere in which the book was created, and the ignoring of the examples of a similar tendency furnished by literature as well as by the popular taste. was it not the ancients that began it? aristophanes, catullus, petronius, martial, flew in the face of decency in their ideas as well as in the words they used, and they dragged after them in this direction not a few of the latin poets of the renaissance, who believed themselves bound to imitate them. is italy without fault in this respect? her story-tellers in prose lie open to easy accusation. her capitoli in verse go to incredible lengths; and the astonishing success of aretino must not be forgotten, nor the licence of the whole italian comic theatre of the sixteenth century. the calandra of bibbiena, who was afterwards a cardinal, and the mandragola of machiavelli, are evidence enough, and these were played before popes, who were not a whit embarrassed. even in england the drama went very far for a time, and the comic authors of the reign of charles ii., evidently from a reaction, and to shake off the excess and the wearisomeness of puritan prudery and affectation, which sent them to the opposite extreme, are not exactly noted for their reserve. but we need not go beyond france. slight indications, very easily verified, are all that may be set down here; a formal and detailed proof would be altogether too dangerous. thus, for instance, the old fabliaux--the farces of the fifteenth century, the story-tellers of the sixteenth--reveal one of the sides, one of the veins, so to speak, of our literature. the art that addresses itself to the eye had likewise its share of this coarseness. think of the sculptures on the capitals and the modillions of churches, and the crude frankness of certain painted windows of the fifteenth century. queen anne was, without any doubt, one of the most virtuous women in the world. yet she used to go up the staircase of her chateau at blois, and her eyes were not offended at seeing at the foot of a bracket a not very decent carving of a monk and a nun. neither did she tear out of her book of hours the large miniature of the winter month, in which, careless of her neighbours' eyes, the mistress of the house, sitting before her great fireplace, warms herself in a fashion which it is not advisable that dames of our age should imitate. the statue of cybele by the tribolo, executed for francis i., and placed, not against a wall, but in the middle of queen claude's chamber at fontainebleau, has behind it an attribute which would have been more in place on a statue of priapus, and which was the symbol of generativeness. the tone of the conversations was ordinarily of a surprising coarseness, and the precieuses, in spite of their absurdities, did a very good work in setting themselves in opposition to it. the worthy chevalier de la-tour-landry, in his instructions to his own daughters, without a thought of harm, gives examples which are singular indeed, and in caxton's translation these are not omitted. the adevineaux amoureux, printed at bruges by colard mansion, are astonishing indeed when one considers that they were the little society diversions of the duchesses of burgundy and of the great ladies of a court more luxurious and more refined than the french court, which revelled in the cent nouvelles of good king louis xi. rabelais' pleasantry about the woman folle a la messe is exactly in the style of the adevineaux. a later work than any of his, the novelle of bandello, should be kept in mind--for the writer was bishop of agen, and his work was translated into french--as also the dames galantes of brantome. read the journal of heroard, that honest doctor, who day by day wrote down the details concerning the health of louis xiii. from his birth, and you will understand the tone of the conversation of henry iv. the jokes at a country wedding are trifles compared with this royal coarseness. le moyen de parvenir is nothing but a tissue and a mass of filth, and the too celebrated cabinet satyrique proves what, under louis xiii., could be written, printed, and read. the collection of songs formed by clairambault shows that the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries were no purer than the sixteenth. some of the most ribald songs are actually the work of princesses of the royal house. it is, therefore, altogether unjust to make rabelais the scapegoat, to charge him alone with the sins of everybody else. he spoke as those of his time used to speak; when amusing them he used their language to make himself understood, and to slip in his asides, which without this sauce would never have been accepted, would have found neither eyes nor ears. let us blame not him, therefore, but the manners of his time. besides, his gaiety, however coarse it may appear to us--and how rare a thing is gaiety!--has, after all, nothing unwholesome about it; and this is too often overlooked. where does he tempt one to stray from duty? where, even indirectly, does he give pernicious advice? whom has he led to evil ways? does he ever inspire feelings that breed misconduct and vice, or is he ever the apologist of these? many poets and romance writers, under cover of a fastidious style, without one coarse expression, have been really and actively hurtful; and of that it is impossible to accuse rabelais. women in particular quickly revolt from him, and turn away repulsed at once by the archaic form of the language and by the outspokenness of the words. but if he be read aloud to them, omitting the rougher parts and modernizing the pronunciation, it will be seen that they too are impressed by his lively wit as by the loftiness of his thought. it would be possible, too, to extract, for young persons, without modification, admirable passages of incomparable force. but those who have brought out expurgated editions of him, or who have thought to improve him by trying to rewrite him in modern french, have been fools for their pains, and their insulting attempts have had, and always will have, the success they deserve. his dedications prove to what extent his whole work was accepted. not to speak of his epistolary relations with bude, with the cardinal d'armagnac and with pellissier, the ambassador of francis i. and bishop of maguelonne, or of his dedication to tiraqueau of his lyons edition of the epistolae medicinales of giovanni manardi of ferrara, of the one addressed to the president amaury bouchard of the two legal texts which he believed antique, there is still the evidence of his other and more important dedications. in 1532 he dedicated his hippocrates and his galen to geoffroy d'estissac, bishop of maillezais, to whom in 1535 and 1536 he addressed from rome the three news letters, which alone have been preserved; and in 1534 he dedicated from lyons his edition of the latin book of marliani on the topography of rome to jean du bellay (at that time bishop of paris) who was raised to the cardinalate in 1535. beside these dedications we must set the privilege of francis i. of september, 1545, and the new privilege granted by henry ii. on august 6th, 1550, cardinal de chatillon present, for the third book, which was dedicated, in an eight-lined stanza, to the spirit of the queen of navarre. these privileges, from the praises and eulogies they express in terms very personal and very exceptional, are as important in rabelais' life as were, in connection with other matters, the apostolic pastorals in his favour. of course, in these the popes had not to introduce his books of diversions, which, nevertheless, would have seemed in their eyes but very venial sins. the sciomachie of 1549, an account of the festivities arranged at rome by cardinal du bellay in honour of the birth of the second son of henry ii., was addressed to cardinal de guise, and in 1552 the fourth book was dedicated, in a new prologue, to cardinal de chatillon, the brother of admiral de coligny. these are no unknown or insignificant personages, but the greatest lords and princes of the church. they loved and admired and protected rabelais, and put no restrictions in his way. why should we be more fastidious and severe than they were? their high contemporary appreciation gives much food for thought. there are few translations of rabelais in foreign tongues; and certainly the task is no light one, and demands more than a familiarity with ordinary french. it would have been easier in italy than anywhere else. italian, from its flexibility and its analogy to french, would have lent itself admirably to the purpose; the instrument was ready, but the hand was not forthcoming. neither is there any spanish translation, a fact which can be more easily understood. the inquisition would have been a far more serious opponent than the paris' sorbonne, and no one ventured on the experiment. yet rabelais forces comparison with cervantes, whose precursor he was in reality, though the two books and the two minds are very different. they have only one point in common, their attack and ridicule of the romances of chivalry and of the wildly improbable adventures of knight-errants. but in don quixote there is not a single detail which would suggest that cervantes knew rabelais' book or owed anything to it whatsoever, even the starting-point of his subject. perhaps it was better he should not have been influenced by him, in however slight a degree; his originality is the more intact and the more genial. on the other hand, rabelais has been several times translated into german. in the present century regis published at leipsic, from 1831 to 1841, with copious notes, a close and faithful translation. the first one cannot be so described, that of johann fischart, a native of mainz or strasburg, who died in 1614. he was a protestant controversialist, and a satirist of fantastic and abundant imagination. in 1575 appeared his translation of rabelais' first book, and in 1590 he published the comic catalogue of the library of saint victor, borrowed from the second book. it is not a translation, but a recast in the boldest style, full of alterations and of exaggerations, both as regards the coarse expressions which he took upon himself to develop and to add to, and in the attacks on the roman catholic church. according to jean paul richter, fischart is much superior to rabelais in style and in the fruitfulness of his ideas, and his equal in erudition and in the invention of new expressions after the manner of aristophanes. he is sure that his work was successful, because it was often reprinted during his lifetime; but this enthusiasm of jean paul would hardly carry conviction in france. who treads in another's footprints must follow in the rear. instead of a creator, he is but an imitator. those who take the ideas of others to modify them, and make of them creations of their own, like shakespeare in england, moliere and la fontaine in france, may be superior to those who have served them with suggestions; but then the new works must be altogether different, must exist by themselves. shakespeare and the others, when they imitated, may be said always to have destroyed their models. these copyists, if we call them so, created such works of genius that the only pity is they are so rare. this is not the case with fischart, but it would be none the less curious were some one thoroughly familiar with german to translate fischart for us, or at least, by long extracts from him, give an idea of the vagaries of german taste when it thought it could do better than rabelais. it is dangerous to tamper with so great a work, and he who does so runs a great risk of burning his fingers. england has been less daring, and her modesty and discretion have brought her success. but, before speaking of urquhart's translation, it is but right to mention the english-french dictionary of randle cotgrave, the first edition of which dates from 1611. it is in every way exceedingly valuable, and superior to that of nicot, because instead of keeping to the plane of classic and latin french, it showed an acquaintance with and mastery of the popular tongue as well as of the written and learned language. as a foreigner, cotgrave is a little behind in his information. he is not aware of all the changes and novelties of the passing fashion. the pleiad school he evidently knew nothing of, but kept to the writers of the fifteenth and the first half of the sixteenth century. thus words out of rabelais, which he always translates with admirable skill, are frequent, and he attaches to them their author's name. so rabelais had already crossed the channel, and was read in his own tongue. somewhat later, during the full sway of the commonwealth--and maitre alcofribas nasier must have been a surprising apparition in the midst of puritan severity--captain urquhart undertook to translate him and to naturalize him completely in england. thomas urquhart belonged to a very old family of good standing in the north of scotland. after studying in aberdeen he travelled in france, spain, and italy, where his sword was as active as that intelligent curiosity of his which is evidenced by his familiarity with three languages and the large library which he brought back, according to his own account, from sixteen countries he had visited. on his return to england he entered the service of charles i., who knighted him in 1641. next year, after the death of his father, he went to scotland to set his family affairs in order, and to redeem his house in cromarty. but, in spite of another sojourn in foreign lands, his efforts to free himself from pecuniary embarrassments were unavailing. at the king's death his scottish loyalty caused him to side with those who opposed the parliament. formally proscribed in 1649, taken prisoner at the defeat of worcester in 1651, stripped of all his belongings, he was brought to london, but was released on parole at cromwell's recommendation. after receiving permission to spend five months in scotland to try once more to settle his affairs, he came back to london to escape from his creditors. and there he must have died, though the date of his death is unknown. it probably took place after 1653, the date of the publication of the two first books, and after having written the translation of the third, which was not printed from his manuscript till the end of the seventeenth century. his life was therefore not without its troubles, and literary activity must have been almost his only consolation. his writings reveal him as the strangest character, fantastic, and full of a naive vanity, which, even at the time he was translating the genealogy of gargantua--surely well calculated to cure any pondering on his own--caused him to trace his unbroken descent from adam, and to state that his family name was derived from his ancestor esormon, prince of achaia, 2139 b.c., who was surnamed ourochartos, that is to say the fortunate and the well-beloved. a gascon could not have surpassed this. gifted as he was, learned in many directions, an enthusiastic mathematician, master of several languages, occasionally full of wit and humour, and even good sense, yet he gave his books the strangest titles, and his ideas were no less whimsical. his style is mystic, fastidious, and too often of a wearisome length and obscurity; his verses rhyme anyhow, or not at all; but vivacity, force and heat are never lacking, and the maitland club did well in reprinting, in 1834, his various works, which are very rare. yet, in spite of their curious interest, he owes his real distinction and the survival of his name to his translation of rabelais. the first two books appeared in 1653. the original edition, exceedingly scarce, was carefully reprinted in 1838, only a hundred copies being issued, by an english bibliophile t(heodore) m(artin), whose interesting preface i regret to sum up so cursorily. at the end of the seventeenth century, in 1693, a french refugee, peter antony motteux, whose english verses and whose plays are not without value, published in a little octavo volume a reprint, very incorrect as to the text, of the first two books, to which he added the third, from the manuscript found amongst urquhart's papers. the success which attended this venture suggested to motteux the idea of completing the work, and a second edition, in two volumes, appeared in 1708, with the translation of the fourth and fifth books, and notes. nineteen years after his death, john ozell, translator on a large scale of french, italian, and spanish authors, revised motteux's edition, which he published in five volumes in 1737, adding le duchat's notes; and this version has often been reprinted since. the continuation by motteux, who was also the translator of don quixote, has merits of its own. it is precise, elegant, and very faithful. urquhart's, without taking liberties with rabelais like fischart, is not always so closely literal and exact. nevertheless, it is much superior to motteux's. if urquhart does not constantly adhere to the form of the expression, if he makes a few slight additions, not only has he an understanding of the original, but he feels it, and renders the sense with a force and a vivacity full of warmth and brilliancy. his own learning made the comprehension of the work easy to him, and his anglicization of words fabricated by rabelais is particularly successful. the necessity of keeping to his text prevented his indulgence in the convolutions and divagations dictated by his exuberant fancy when writing on his own account. his style, always full of life and vigour, is here balanced, lucid, and picturesque. never elsewhere did he write so well. and thus the translation reproduces the very accent of the original, besides possessing a very remarkable character of its own. such a literary tone and such literary qualities are rarely found in a translation. urquhart's, very useful for the interpretation of obscure passages, may, and indeed should be read as a whole, both for rabelais and for its own merits. holland, too, possesses a translation of rabelais. they knew french in that country in the seventeenth century better than they do to-day, and there rabelais' works were reprinted when no editions were appearing in france. this dutch translation was published at amsterdam in 1682, by j. tenhoorn. the name attached to it, claudio gallitalo (claudius french-italian) must certainly be a pseudonym. only a dutch scholar could identify the translator, and state the value to be assigned to his work. rabelais' style has many different sources. besides its force and brilliancy, its gaiety, wit, and dignity, its abundant richness is no less remarkable. it would be impossible and useless to compile a glossary of voltaire's words. no french writer has used so few, and all of them are of the simplest. there is not one of them that is not part of the common speech, or which demands a note or an explanation. rabelais' vocabulary, on the other hand, is of an astonishing variety. where does it all come from? as a fact, he had at his command something like three languages, which he used in turn, or which he mixed according to the effect he wished to produce. first of all, of course, he had ready to his hand the whole speech of his time, which had no secrets for him. provincials have been too eager to appropriate him, to make of him a local author, the pride of some village, in order that their district might have the merit of being one of the causes, one of the factors of his genius. every neighbourhood where he ever lived has declared that his distinction was due to his knowledge of its popular speech. but these dialect-patriots have fallen out among themselves. to which dialect was he indebted? was it that of touraine, or berri, or poitou, or paris? it is too often forgotten, in regard to french patois--leaving out of count the languages of the south--that the words or expressions that are no longer in use to-day are but a survival, a still living trace of the tongue and the pronunciation of other days. rabelais, more than any other writer, took advantage of the happy chances and the richness of the popular speech, but he wrote in french, and nothing but french. that is why he remains so forcible, so lucid, and so living, more living even--speaking only of his style out of charity to the others--than any of his contemporaries. it has been said that great french prose is solely the work of the seventeenth century. there were nevertheless, before that, two men, certainly very different and even hostile, who were its initiators and its masters, calvin on the one hand, on the other rabelais. rabelais had a wonderful knowledge of the prose and the verse of the fifteenth century: he was familiar with villon, pathelin, the quinze joies de mariage, the cent nouvelles, the chronicles and the romances, and even earlier works, too, such as the roman de la rose. their words, their turns of expression came naturally to his pen, and added a piquancy and, as it were, a kind of gloss of antique novelty to his work. he fabricated words, too, on greek and latin models, with great ease, sometimes audaciously and with needless frequency. these were for him so many means, so many elements of variety. sometimes he did this in mockery, as in the humorous discourse of the limousin scholar, for which he is not a little indebted to geoffroy tory in the champfleury; sometimes, on the contrary, seriously, from a habit acquired in dealing with classical tongues. again, another reason of the richness of his vocabulary was that he invented and forged words for himself. following the example of aristophanes, he coined an enormous number of interminable words, droll expressions, sudden and surprising constructions. what had made greece and the athenians laugh was worth transporting to paris. with an instrument so rich, resources so endless, and the skill to use them, it is no wonder that he could give voice to anything, be as humorous as he could be serious, as comic as he could be grave, that he could express himself and everybody else, from the lowest to the highest. he had every colour on his palette, and such skill was in his fingers that he could depict every variety of light and shade. we have evidence that rabelais did not always write in the same fashion. the chronique gargantuaine is uniform in style and quite simple, but cannot with certainty be attributed to him. his letters are bombastic and thin; his few attempts at verse are heavy, lumbering, and obscure, altogether lacking in harmony, and quite as bad as those of his friend, jean bouchet. he had no gift of poetic form, as indeed is evident even from his prose. and his letters from rome to the bishop of maillezais, interesting as they are in regard to the matter, are as dull, bare, flat, and dry in style as possible. without his signature no one would possibly have thought of attributing them to him. he is only a literary artist when he wishes to be such; and in his romance he changes the style completely every other moment: it has no constant character or uniform manner, and therefore unity is almost entirely wanting in his work, while his endeavours after contrast are unceasing. there is throughout the whole the evidence of careful and conscious elaboration. hence, however lucid and free be the style of his romance, and though its flexibility and ease seem at first sight to have cost no trouble at all, yet its merit lies precisely in the fact that it succeeds in concealing the toil, in hiding the seams. he could not have reached this perfection at a first attempt. he must have worked long at the task, revised it again and again, corrected much, and added rather than cut away. the aptness of form and expression has been arrived at by deliberate means, and owes nothing to chance. apart from the toning down of certain bold passages, to soften their effect, and appease the storm--for these were not literary alterations, but were imposed on him by prudence--one can see how numerous are the variations in his text, how necessary it is to take account of them, and to collect them. a good edition, of course, would make no attempt at amalgamating these. that would give a false impression and end in confusion; but it should note them all, and show them all, not combined, but simply as variations. after le duchat, all the editions, in their care that nothing should be lost, made the mistake of collecting and placing side by side things which had no connection with each other, which had even been substituted for each other. the result was a fabricated text, full of contradictions naturally. but since the edition issued by m. jannet, the well-known publisher of the bibliotheque elzevirienne, who was the first to get rid of this patchwork, this mosaic, rabelais' latest text has been given, accompanied by all the earlier variations, to show the changes he made, as well as his suppressions and additions. it would also be possible to reverse the method. it would be interesting to take his first text as the basis, noting the later modifications. this would be quite as instructive and really worth doing. perhaps one might then see more clearly with what care he made his revisions, after what fashion he corrected, and especially what were the additions he made. no more striking instance can be quoted than the admirable chapter about the shipwreck. it was not always so long as rabelais made it in the end: it was much shorter at first. as a rule, when an author recasts some passage that he wishes to revise, he does so by rewriting the whole, or at least by interpolating passages at one stroke, so to speak. nothing of the kind is seen here. rabelais suppressed nothing, modified nothing; he did not change his plan at all. what he did was to make insertions, to slip in between two clauses a new one. he expressed his meaning in a lengthier way, and the former clause is found in its integrity along with the additional one, of which it forms, as it were, the warp. it was by this method of touching up the smallest details, by making here and there such little noticeable additions, that he succeeded in heightening the effect without either change or loss. in the end it looks as if he had altered nothing, added nothing new, as if it had always been so from the first, and had never been meddled with. the comparison is most instructive, showing us to what an extent rabelais' admirable style was due to conscious effort, care, and elaboration, a fact which is generally too much overlooked, and how instead of leaving any trace which would reveal toil and study, it has on the contrary a marvellous cohesion, precision, and brilliancy. it was modelled and remodelled, repaired, touched up, and yet it has all the appearance of having been created at a single stroke, or of having been run like molten wax into its final form. something should be said here of the sources from which rabelais borrowed. he was not the first in france to satirize the romances of chivalry. the romance in verse by baudouin de sebourc, printed in recent years, was a parody of the chansons de geste. in the moniage guillaume, and especially in the moniage rainouart, in which there is a kind of giant, and occasionally a comic giant, there are situations and scenes which remind us of rabelais. the kind of fabliaux in mono-rhyme quatrains of the old aubery anticipate his coarse and popular jests. but all that is beside the question; rabelais did not know these. nothing is of direct interest save what was known to him, what fell under his eyes, what lay to his hand--as the facetiae of poggio, and the last sermonnaires. in the course of one's reading one may often enough come across the origin of some of rabelais' witticisms; here and there we may discover how he has developed a situation. while gathering his materials wherever he could find them, he was nevertheless profoundly original. on this point much research and investigation might be employed. but there is no need why these researches should be extended to the region of fancy. gargantua has been proved by some to be of celtic origin. very often he is a solar myth, and the statement that rabelais only collected popular traditions and gave new life to ancient legends is said to be proved by the large number of megalithic monuments to which is attached the name of gargantua. it was, of course, quite right to make a list of these, to draw up, as it were, a chart of them, but the conclusion is not justified. the name, instead of being earlier, is really later, and is a witness, not to the origin, but to the success and rapid popularity of his novel. no one has ever yet produced a written passage or any ancient testimony to prove the existence of the name before rabelais. to place such a tradition on a sure basis, positive traces must be forthcoming; and they cannot be adduced even for the most celebrated of these monuments, since he mentions himself the great menhir near poitiers, which he christened by the name of passelourdin. that there is something in the theory is possible. perrault found the subjects of his stories in the tales told by mothers and nurses. he fixed them finally by writing them down. floating about vaguely as they were, he seized them, worked them up, gave them shape, and yet of scarcely any of them is there to be found before his time a single trace. so we must resign ourselves to know just as little of what gargantua and pantagruel were before the sixteenth century. in a book of a contemporary of rabelais, the legende de pierre faifeu by the angevin, charles de bourdigne, the first edition of which dates from 1526 and the second 1531--both so rare and so forgotten that the work is only known since the eighteenth century by the reprint of custelier--in the introductory ballad which recommends this book to readers, occur these lines in the list of popular books which faifeu would desire to replace: 'laissez ester caillette le folastre, les quatre filz aymon vestuz de bleu, gargantua qui a cheveux de plastre.' he has not 'cheveux de plastre' in rabelais. if the rhyme had not suggested the phrase--and the exigencies of the strict form of the ballade and its forced repetitions often imposed an idea which had its whole origin in the rhyme--we might here see a dramatic trace found nowhere else. the name of pantagruel is mentioned too, incidentally, in a mystery of the fifteenth century. these are the only references to the names which up till now have been discovered, and they are, as one sees, of but little account. on the other hand, the influence of aristophanes and of lucian, his intimate acquaintance with nearly all the writers of antiquity, greek as well as latin, with whom rabelais is more permeated even than montaigne, were a mine of inspiration. the proof of it is everywhere. pliny especially was his encyclopaedia, his constant companion. all he says of the pantagruelian herb, though he amply developed it for himself, is taken from pliny's chapter on flax. and there is a great deal more of this kind to be discovered, for rabelais does not always give it as quotation. on the other hand, when he writes, 'such an one says,' it would be difficult enough to find who is meant, for the 'such an one' is a fictitious writer. the method is amusing, but it is curious to account of it. the question of the chronique gargantuaine is still undecided. is it by rabelais or by someone else? both theories are defensible, and can be supported by good reasons. in the chronique everything is heavy, occasionally meaningless, and nearly always insipid. can the same man have written the chronique and gargantua, replaced a book really commonplace by a masterpiece, changed the facts and incidents, transformed a heavy icy pleasantry into a work glowing with wit and life, made it no longer a mass of laborious trifling and cold-blooded exaggerations but a satire on human life of the highest genius? still there are points common to the two. besides, rabelais wrote other things; and it is only in his romance that he shows literary skill. the conception of it would have entered his mind first only in a bare and summary fashion. it would have been taken up again, expanded, developed, metamorphosed. that is possible, and, for my part, i am of those who, like brunet and nodier, are inclined to think that the chronique, in spite of its inferiority, is really a first attempt, condemned as soon as the idea was conceived in another form. as its earlier date is incontestable, we must conclude that if the chronique is not by him, his gargantua and its continuation would not have existed without it. this would be a great obligation to stand under to some unknown author, and in that case it is astonishing that his enemies did not reproach him during his lifetime with being merely an imitator and a plagiarist. so there are reasons for and against his authorship of it, and it would be dangerous to make too bold an assertion. one fact which is absolutely certain and beyond all controversy, is that rabelais owed much to one of his contemporaries, an italian, to the histoire macaronique of merlin coccaie. its author, theophilus folengo, who was also a monk, was born in 1491, and died only a short time before rabelais, in 1544. but his burlesque poem was published in 1517. it was in latin verse, written in an elaborately fabricated style. it is not dog latin, but latin ingeniously italianized, or rather italian, even mantuan, latinized. the contrast between the modern form of the word and its roman garb produces the most amusing effect. in the original it is sometimes difficult to read, for folengo has no objection to using the most colloquial words and phrases. the subject is quite different. it is the adventures of baldo, son of guy de montauban, the very lively history of his youth, his trial, imprisonment and deliverance, his journey in search of his father, during which he visits the planets and hell. the narration is constantly interrupted by incidental adventures. occasionally they are what would be called to-day very naturalistic, and sometimes they are madly extravagant. but fracasso, baldo's friend, is a giant; another friend, cingar, who delivers him, is panurge exactly, and quite as much given to practical joking. the women in the senile amour of the old tognazzo, the judges, and the poor sergeants, are no more gently dealt with by folengo than by the monk of the iles d'hyeres. if dindenaut's name does not occur, there are the sheep. the tempest is there, and the invocation to all the saints. rabelais improves all he borrows, but it is from folengo he starts. he does not reproduce the words, but, like the italian, he revels in drinking scenes, junkettings, gormandizing, battles, scuffles, wounds and corpses, magic, witches, speeches, repeated enumerations, lengthiness, and a solemnly minute precision of impossible dates and numbers. the atmosphere, the tone, the methods are the same, and to know rabelais well, you must know folengo well too. detailed proof of this would be too lengthy a matter; one would have to quote too many passages, but on this question of sources nothing is more interesting than a perusal of the opus macaronicorum. it was translated into french only in 1606--paris, gilley robinot. this translation of course cannot reproduce all the many amusing forms of words, but it is useful, nevertheless, in showing more clearly the points of resemblance between the two works,--how far in form, ideas, details, and phrases rabelais was permeated by folengo. the anonymous translator saw this quite well, and said so in his title, 'histoire macaronique de merlin coccaie, prototype of rabelais.' it is nothing but the truth, and rabelais, who does not hide it from himself, on more than one occasion mentions the name of merlin coccaie. besides, rabelais was fed on the italians of his time as on the greeks and romans. panurge, who owes much to cingar, is also not free from obligations to the miscreant margutte in the morgante maggiore of pulci. had rabelais in his mind the tale from the florentine chronicles, how in the savonarola riots, when the piagnoni and the arrabiati came to blows in the church of the dominican convent of san-marco, fra pietro in the scuffle broke the heads of the assailants with the bronze crucifix he had taken from the altar? a well-handled cross could so readily be used as a weapon, that probably it has served as such more than once, and other and even quite modern instances might be quoted. but other italian sources are absolutely certain. there are few more wonderful chapters in rabelais than the one about the drinkers. it is not a dialogue: those short exclamations exploding from every side, all referring to the same thing, never repeating themselves, and yet always varying the same theme. at the end of the novelle of gentile sermini of siena, there is a chapter called il giuoco della pugna, the game of battle. here are the first lines of it: 'apre, apre, apre. chi gioca, chi gioca --uh, uh!--a porrione, a porrione.--viela, viela; date a ognuno.--alle mantella, alle mantella.--oltre di corsa; non vi fermate.--voltate qui; ecco costoro; fate veli innanzi.--viela, viela; date costi.--chi la fa? io--ed io.--dagli; ah, ah, buona fu.--or cosi; alla mascella, al fianco. --dagli basso; di punta, di punta.--ah, ah, buon gioco, buon gioco.' and thus it goes on with fire and animation for pages. rabelais probably translated or directly imitated it. he changed the scene; there was no giuooco della pugna in france. he transferred to a drinking-bout this clatter of exclamations which go off by themselves, which cross each other and get no answer. he made a wonderful thing of it. but though he did not copy sermini, yet sermini's work provided him with the form of the subject, and was the theme for rabelais' marvellous variations. who does not remember the fantastic quarrel of the cook with the poor devil who had flavoured his dry bread with the smoke of the roast, and the judgment of seyny john, truly worthy of solomon? it comes from the cento novelle antiche, rewritten from tales older than boccaccio, and moreover of an extreme brevity and dryness. they are only the framework, the notes, the skeleton of tales. the subject is often wonderful, but nothing is made of it: it is left unshaped. rabelais wrote a version of one, the ninth. the scene takes place, not at paris, but at alexandria in egypt among the saracens, and the cook is called fabrac. but the surprise at the end, the sagacious judgment by which the sound of a piece of money was made the price of the smoke, is the same. now the first dated edition of the cento novelle (which were frequently reprinted) appeared at bologna in 1525, and it is certain that rabelais had read the tales. and there would be much else of the same kind to learn if we knew rabelais' library. a still stranger fact of this sort may be given to show how nothing came amiss to him. he must have known, and even copied the latin chronicle of the counts of anjou. it is accepted, and rightly so, as an historical document, but that is no reason for thinking that the truth may not have been manipulated and adorned. the counts of anjou were not saints. they were proud, quarrelsome, violent, rapacious, and extravagant, as greedy as they were charitable to the church, treacherous and cruel. yet their anonymous panegyrist has made them patterns of all the virtues. in reality it is both a history and in some sort a romance; especially is it a collection of examples worthy of being followed, in the style of the cyropaedia, our juvenal of the fifteenth century, and a little like fenelon's telemaque. now in it there occurs the address of one of the counts to those who rebelled against him and who were at his mercy. rabelais must have known it, for he has copied it, or rather, literally translated whole lines of it in the wonderful speech of gargantua to the vanquished. his contemporaries, who approved of his borrowing from antiquity, could not detect this one, because the book was not printed till much later. but rabelais lived in maine. in anjou, which often figures among the localities he names, he must have met with and read the chronicles of the counts in manuscript, probably in some monastery library, whether at fontenay-le-comte or elsewhere it matters little. there is not only a likeness in the ideas and tone, but in the words too, which cannot be a mere matter of chance. he must have known the chronicles of the counts of anjou, and they inspired one of his finest pages. one sees, therefore, how varied were the sources whence he drew, and how many of them must probably always escape us. when, as has been done for moliere, a critical bibliography of the works relating to rabelais is drawn up--which, by the bye, will entail a very great amount of labour--the easiest part will certainly be the bibliography of the old editions. that is the section that has been most satisfactorily and most completely worked out. m. brunet said the last word on the subject in his researches in 1852, and in the important article in the fifth edition of his manuel du libraire (iv., 1863, pp. 1037-1071). the facts about the fifth book cannot be summed up briefly. it was printed as a whole at first, without the name of the place, in 1564, and next year at lyons by jean martin. it has given, and even still gives rise to two contradictory opinions. is it rabelais' or not? first of all, if he had left it complete, would sixteen years have gone by before it was printed? then, does it bear evident marks of his workmanship? is the hand of the master visible throughout? antoine du verdier in the 1605 edition of his prosopographie writes: '(rabelais') misfortune has been that everybody has wished to "pantagruelize!" and several books have appeared under his name, and have been added to his works, which are not by him, as, for instance, l'ile sonnante, written by a certain scholar of valence and others.' the scholar of valence might be guillaume des autels, to whom with more certainty can be ascribed the authorship of a dull imitation of rabelais, the history of fanfreluche and gaudichon, published in 1578, which, to say the least of it, is very much inferior to the fifth book. louis guyon, in his diverses lecons, is still more positive: 'as to the last book which has been included in his works, entitled l'ile sonnante, the object of which seems to be to find fault with and laugh at the members and the authorities of the catholic church, i protest that he did not compose it, for it was written long after his death. i was at paris when it was written, and i know quite well who was its author; he was not a doctor.' that is very emphatic, and it is impossible to ignore it. yet everyone must recognize that there is a great deal of rabelais in the fifth book. he must have planned it and begun it. remembering that in 1548 he had published, not as an experiment, but rather as a bait and as an announcement, the first eleven chapters of the fourth book, we may conclude that the first sixteen chapters of the fifth book published by themselves nine years after his death, in 1562, represent the remainder of his definitely finished work. this is the more certain because these first chapters, which contain the apologue of the horse and the ass and the terrible furred law-cats, are markedly better than what follows them. they are not the only ones where the master's hand may be traced, but they are the only ones where no other hand could possibly have interfered. in the remainder the sentiment is distinctly protestant. rabelais was much struck by the vices of the clergy and did not spare them. whether we are unable to forgive his criticisms because they were conceived in a spirit of raillery, or whether, on the other hand, we feel admiration for him on this point, yet rabelais was not in the least a sectary. if he strongly desired a moral reform, indirectly pointing out the need of it in his mocking fashion, he was not favourable to a political reform. those who would make of him a protestant altogether forget that the protestants of his time were not for him, but against him. henri estienne, for instance, ramus, theodore de beze, and especially calvin, should know how he was to be regarded. rabelais belonged to what may be called the early reformation, to that band of honest men in the beginning of the sixteenth century, precursors of the later one perhaps, but, like erasmus, between the two extremes. he was neither lutheran nor calvinist, neither german nor genevese, and it is quite natural that his work was not reprinted in switzerland, which would certainly have happened had the protestants looked on him as one of themselves. that rabelais collected the materials for the fifth book, had begun it, and got on some way, there can be no doubt: the excellence of a large number of passages prove it, but--taken as a whole--the fifth book has not the value, the verve, and the variety of the others. the style is quite different, less rich, briefer, less elaborate, drier, in parts even wearisome. in the first four books rabelais seldom repeats himself. the fifth book contains from the point of view of the vocabulary really the least novelty. on the contrary, it is full of words and expressions already met with, which is very natural in an imitation, in a copy, forced to keep to a similar tone, and to show by such reminders and likenesses that it is really by the same pen. a very striking point is the profound difference in the use of anatomical terms. in the other books they are most frequently used in a humorous sense, and nonsensically, with a quite other meaning than their own; in the fifth they are applied correctly. it was necessary to include such terms to keep up the practice, but the writer has not thought of using them to add to the comic effect: one cannot always think of everything. trouble has been taken, of course, to include enumerations, but there are much fewer fabricated and fantastic words. in short, the hand of the maker is far from showing the same suppleness and strength. a eulogistic quatrain is signed nature quite, which, it is generally agreed, is an anagram of jean turquet. did the adapter of the fifth book sign his work in this indirect fashion? he might be of the genevese family to whom louis turquet and his son theodore belonged, both well-known, and both strong protestants. the obscurity relating to this matter is far from being cleared up, and perhaps never will be. it fell to my lot--here, unfortunately, i am forced to speak of a personal matter--to print for the first time the manuscript of the fifth book. at first it was hoped it might be in rabelais' own hand; afterwards that it might be at least a copy of his unfinished work. the task was a difficult one, for the writing, extremely flowing and rapid, is execrable, and most difficult to decipher and to transcribe accurately. besides, it often happens in the sixteenth and the end of the fifteenth century, that manuscripts are much less correct than the printed versions, even when they have not been copied by clumsy and ignorant hands. in this case, it is the writing of a clerk executed as quickly as possible. the farther it goes the more incorrect it becomes, as if the writer were in haste to finish. what is really the origin of it? it has less the appearance of notes or fragments prepared by rabelais than of a first attempt at revision. it is not an author's rough draft; still less is it his manuscript. if i had not printed this enigmatical text with scrupulous and painful fidelity, i would do it now. it was necessary to do it so as to clear the way. but as the thing is done, and accessible to those who may be interested, and who wish to critically examine it, there is no further need of reprinting it. all the editions of rabelais continue, and rightly, to reproduce the edition of 1564. it is not the real rabelais, but however open to criticism it may be, it was under that form that the fifth book appeared in the sixteenth century, under that form it was accepted. consequently it is convenient and even necessary to follow and keep to the original edition. the first sixteen chapters may, and really must be, the text of rabelais, in the final form as left by him, and found after his death; the framework, and a number of the passages in the continuation, the best ones, of course, are his, but have been patched up and tampered with. nothing can have been suppressed of what existed; it was evidently thought that everything should be admitted with the final revision; but the tone was changed, additions were made, and 'improvements.' adapters are always strangely vain. in the seventeenth century, the french printing-press, save for an edition issued at troyes in 1613, gave up publishing rabelais, and the work passed to foreign countries. jean fuet reprinted him at antwerp in 1602. after the amsterdam edition of 1659, where for the first time appears 'the alphabet of the french author,' comes the elzevire edition of 1663. the type, an imitation of what made the reputation of the little volumes of the gryphes of lyons, is charming, the printing is perfect, and the paper, which is french--the development of paper-making in holland and england did not take place till after the revocation of the edict of nantes--is excellent. they are pretty volumes to the eye, but, as in all the reprints of the seventeenth century, the text is full of faults and most untrustworthy. france, through a representative in a foreign land, however, comes into line again in the beginning of the eighteenth century, and in a really serious fashion, thanks to the very considerable learning of a french refugee, jacob le duchat, who died in 1748. he had a most thorough knowledge of the french prose-writers of the sixteenth century, and he made them accessible by his editions of the quinze joies du mariage, of henri estienne, of agrippa d'aubigne, of l'etoile, and of the satyre menippee. in 1711 he published an edition of rabelais at amsterdam, through henry bordesius, in five duodecimo volumes. the reprint in quarto which he issued in 1741, seven years before his death, is, with its engravings by bernard picot, a fine library edition. le duchat's is the first of the critical editions. it takes account of differences in the texts, and begins to point out the variations. his very numerous notes are remarkable, and are still worthy of most serious consideration. he was the first to offer useful elucidations, and these have been repeated after him, and with good reason will continue to be so. the abbe de massy's edition of 1752, also an amsterdam production, has made use of le duchat's but does not take its place. finally, at the end of the century, cazin printed rabelais in his little volume, in 1782, and bartiers issued two editions (of no importance) at paris in 1782 and 1798. fortunately the nineteenth century has occupied itself with the great 'satyrique' in a more competent and useful fashion. in 1820 l'aulnaye published through desoer his three little volumes, printed in exquisite style, and which have other merits besides. his volume of annotations, in which, that nothing might be lost of his own notes, he has included many things not directly relating to rabelais, is full of observations and curious remarks which are very useful additions to le duchat. one fault to be found with him is his further complication of the spelling. this he did in accordance with a principle that the words should be referred to their real etymology. learned though he was, rabelais had little care to be so etymological, and it is not his theories but those of the modern scholar that have been ventilated. somewhat later, from 1823 to 1826, esmangart and johanneau issued a variorum edition in nine volumes, in which the text is often encumbered by notes which are really too numerous, and, above all, too long. the work was an enormous one, but the best part of it is le duchat's, and what is not his is too often absolutely hypothetical and beside the truth. le duchat had already given too much importance to the false historical explanation. here it is constantly coming in, and it rests on no evidence. in reality, there is no need of the key to rabelais by which to discover the meaning of subtle allusions. he is neither so complicated nor so full of riddles. we know how he has scattered the names of contemporaries about his work, sometimes of friends, sometimes of enemies, and without disguising them under any mask. he is no more panurge than louis xii. is gargantua or francis i. pantagruel. rabelais says what he wants, all he wants, and in the way he wants. there are no mysteries below the surface, and it is a waste of time to look for knots in a bulrush. all the historical explanations are purely imaginary, utterly without proof, and should the more emphatically be looked on as baseless and dismissed. they are radically false, and therefore both worthless and harmful. in 1840 there appeared in the bibliotheque charpentier the rabelais in a single duodecimo volume, begun by charles labiche, and, after his death, completed by m. paul lacroix, whose share is the larger. the text is that of l'aulnaye; the short footnotes, with all their brevity, contain useful explanations of difficult words. amongst the editions of rabelais this is one of the most important, because it brought him many readers and admirers. no other has made him so well and so widely known as this portable volume, which has been constantly reprinted. no other has been so widely circulated, and the sale still goes on. it was, and must still be looked on as a most serviceable edition. the edition published by didot in 1857 has an altogether special character. in the biographical notice m. rathery for the first time treated as they deserve the foolish prejudices which have made rabelais misunderstood, and m. burgaud des marets set the text on a quite new base. having proved, what of course is very evident, that in the original editions the spelling, and the language too, were of the simplest and clearest, and were not bristling with the nonsensical and superfluous consonants which have given rise to the idea that rabelais is difficult to read, he took the trouble first of all to note the spelling of each word. whenever in a single instance he found it in accordance with modern spelling, he made it the same throughout. the task was a hard one, and rabelais certainly gained in clearness, but over-zeal is often fatal to a reform. in respect to its precision and the value of its notes, which are short and very judicious, burgaud des marets' edition is valuable, and is amongst those which should be known and taken into account. since le duchat all the editions have a common fault. they are not exactly guilty of fabricating, but they set up an artificial text in the sense that, in order to lose as little as possible, they have collected and united what originally were variations--the revisions, in short, of the original editions. guided by the wise counsels given by brunet in 1852 in his researches on the old editions of rabelais, pierre jannet published the first three books in 1858; then, when the publication of the bibliotheque elzevirienne was discontinued, he took up the work again and finished the edition in picard's blue library, in little volumes, each book quite distinct. it was m. jannet who in our days first restored the pure and exact text of rabelais, not only without retouching it, but without making additions or insertions, or juxtaposition of things that were not formerly found together. for each of the books he has followed the last edition issued by rabelais, and all the earlier differences he gives as variations. it is astonishing that a thing so simple and so fitting should not have been done before, and the result is that this absolutely exact fidelity has restored a lucidity which was not wanting in rabelais's time, but which had since been obscured. all who have come after jannet have followed in his path, and there is no reason for straying from it. francis rabelais. the first book. to the honoured, noble translator of rabelais. rabelais, whose wit prodigiously was made, all men, professions, actions to invade, with so much furious vigour, as if it had lived o'er each of them, and each had quit, yet with such happy sleight and careless skill, as, like the serpent, doth with laughter kill, so that although his noble leaves appear antic and gottish, and dull souls forbear to turn them o'er, lest they should only find nothing but savage monsters of a mind,-no shapen beauteous thoughts; yet when the wise seriously strip him of his wild disguise, melt down his dross, refine his massy ore, and polish that which seem'd rough-cast before, search his deep sense, unveil his hidden mirth, and make that fiery which before seem'd earth (conquering those things of highest consequence, what's difficult of language or of sense), he will appear some noble table writ in the old egyptian hieroglyphic wit; where, though you monsters and grotescoes see, you meet all mysteries of philosophy. for he was wise and sovereignly bred to know what mankind is, how 't may be led: he stoop'd unto them, like that wise man, who rid on a stick, when 's children would do so. for we are easy sullen things, and must be laugh'd aright, and cheated into trust; whilst a black piece of phlegm, that lays about dull menaces, and terrifies the rout, and cajoles it, with all its peevish strength piteously stretch'd and botch'd up into length, whilst the tired rabble sleepily obey such opiate talk, and snore away the day, by all his noise as much their minds relieves, as caterwauling of wild cats frights thieves. but rabelais was another thing, a man made up of all that art and nature can form from a fiery genius,--he was one whose soul so universally was thrown through all the arts of life, who understood each stratagem by which we stray from good; so that he best might solid virtue teach, as some 'gainst sins of their own bosoms preach: he from wise choice did the true means prefer, in the fool's coat acting th' philosopher. thus hoary aesop's beasts did mildly tame fierce man, and moralize him into shame; thus brave romances, while they seem to lay great trains of lust, platonic love display; thus would old sparta, if a seldom chance show'd a drunk slave, teach children temperance; thus did the later poets nobly bring the scene to height, making the fool the king. and, noble sir, you vigorously have trod in this hard path, unknown, un-understood by its own countrymen, 'tis you appear our full enjoyment which was our despair, scattering his mists, cheering his cynic frowns (for radiant brightness now dark rabelais crowns), leaving your brave heroic cares, which must make better mankind and embalm your dust, so undeceiving us, that now we see all wit in gascon and in cromarty, besides that rabelais is convey'd to us, and that our scotland is not barbarous. j. de la salle. rablophila. the first decade. the commendation. musa! canas nostrorum in testimonium amorum, et gargantueas perpetuato faces, utque homini tali resultet nobilis eccho: quicquid fama canit, pantagruelis erit. the argument. here i intend mysteriously to sing with a pen pluck'd from fame's own wing, of gargantua that learn'd breech-wiping king. decade the first. i. help me, propitious stars; a mighty blaze benumbs me! i must sound the praise of him hath turn'd this crabbed work in such heroic phrase. ii. what wit would not court martyrdom to hold upon his head a laurel of gold, where for each rich conceit a pumpion-pearl is told: iii. and such a one is this, art's masterpiece, a thing ne'er equall'd by old greece: a thing ne'er match'd as yet, a real golden fleece. iv. vice is a soldier fights against mankind; which you may look but never find: for 'tis an envious thing, with cunning interlined. v. and thus he rails at drinking all before 'em, and for lewd women does be-whore 'em, and brings their painted faces and black patches to th' quorum. vi. to drink he was a furious enemy contented with a six-penny-(with diamond hatband, silver spurs, six horses.) pie- vii. and for tobacco's pate-rotunding smoke, much had he said, and much more spoke, but 'twas not then found out, so the design was broke. viii. muse! fancy! faith! come now arise aloud, assembled in a blue-vein'd cloud, and this tall infant in angelic arms now shroud. ix. to praise it further i would now begin were 't now a thoroughfare and inn, it harbours vice, though 't be to catch it in a gin. x. therefore, my muse, draw up thy flowing sail, and acclamate a gentle hail with all thy art and metaphors, which must prevail. jam prima oceani pars est praeterita nostri. imparibus restat danda secunda modis. quam si praestiterit mentem daemon malus addam, cum sapiens totus prodierit rabelais. malevolus. (reader, the errata, which in this book are not a few, are casually lost; and therefore the translator, not having leisure to collect them again, craves thy pardon for such as thou may'st meet with.) [illustration: prologue1] the author's prologue to the first book. most noble and illustrious drinkers, and you thrice precious pockified blades (for to you, and none else, do i dedicate my writings), alcibiades, in that dialogue of plato's, which is entitled the banquet, whilst he was setting forth the praises of his schoolmaster socrates (without all question the prince of philosophers), amongst other discourses to that purpose, said that he resembled the silenes. silenes of old were little boxes, like those we now may see in the shops of apothecaries, painted on the outside with wanton toyish figures, as harpies, satyrs, bridled geese, horned hares, saddled ducks, flying goats, thiller harts, and other such-like counterfeited pictures at discretion, to excite people unto laughter, as silenus himself, who was the foster-father of good bacchus, was wont to do; but within those capricious caskets were carefully preserved and kept many rich jewels and fine drugs, such as balm, ambergris, amomon, musk, civet, with several kinds of precious stones, and other things of great price. just such another thing was socrates. for to have eyed his outside, and esteemed of him by his exterior appearance, you would not have given the peel of an onion for him, so deformed he was in body, and ridiculous in his gesture. he had a sharp pointed nose, with the look of a bull, and countenance of a fool: he was in his carriage simple, boorish in his apparel, in fortune poor, unhappy in his wives, unfit for all offices in the commonwealth, always laughing, tippling, and merrily carousing to everyone, with continual gibes and jeers, the better by those means to conceal his divine knowledge. now, opening this box you would have found within it a heavenly and inestimable drug, a more than human understanding, an admirable virtue, matchless learning, invincible courage, unimitable sobriety, certain contentment of mind, perfect assurance, and an incredible misregard of all that for which men commonly do so much watch, run, sail, fight, travel, toil and turmoil themselves. whereunto (in your opinion) doth this little flourish of a preamble tend? for so much as you, my good disciples, and some other jolly fools of ease and leisure, reading the pleasant titles of some books of our invention, as gargantua, pantagruel, whippot (fessepinte.), the dignity of codpieces, of pease and bacon with a commentary, &c., are too ready to judge that there is nothing in them but jests, mockeries, lascivious discourse, and recreative lies; because the outside (which is the title) is usually, without any farther inquiry, entertained with scoffing and derision. but truly it is very unbeseeming to make so slight account of the works of men, seeing yourselves avouch that it is not the habit makes the monk, many being monasterially accoutred, who inwardly are nothing less than monachal, and that there are of those that wear spanish capes, who have but little of the valour of spaniards in them. therefore is it, that you must open the book, and seriously consider of the matter treated in it. then shall you find that it containeth things of far higher value than the box did promise; that is to say, that the subject thereof is not so foolish as by the title at the first sight it would appear to be. and put the case, that in the literal sense you meet with purposes merry and solacious enough, and consequently very correspondent to their inscriptions, yet must not you stop there as at the melody of the charming syrens, but endeavour to interpret that in a sublimer sense which possibly you intended to have spoken in the jollity of your heart. did you ever pick the lock of a cupboard to steal a bottle of wine out of it? tell me truly, and, if you did, call to mind the countenance which then you had. or, did you ever see a dog with a marrowbone in his mouth,--the beast of all other, says plato, lib. 2, de republica, the most philosophical? if you have seen him, you might have remarked with what devotion and circumspectness he wards and watcheth it: with what care he keeps it: how fervently he holds it: how prudently he gobbets it: with what affection he breaks it: and with what diligence he sucks it. to what end all this? what moveth him to take all these pains? what are the hopes of his labour? what doth he expect to reap thereby? nothing but a little marrow. true it is, that this little is more savoury and delicious than the great quantities of other sorts of meat, because the marrow (as galen testifieth, 5. facult. nat. & 11. de usu partium) is a nourishment most perfectly elaboured by nature. in imitation of this dog, it becomes you to be wise, to smell, feel and have in estimation these fair goodly books, stuffed with high conceptions, which, though seemingly easy in the pursuit, are in the cope and encounter somewhat difficult. and then, like him, you must, by a sedulous lecture, and frequent meditation, break the bone, and suck out the marrow,--that is, my allegorical sense, or the things i to myself propose to be signified by these pythagorical symbols, with assured hope, that in so doing you will at last attain to be both well-advised and valiant by the reading of them: for in the perusal of this treatise you shall find another kind of taste, and a doctrine of a more profound and abstruse consideration, which will disclose unto you the most glorious sacraments and dreadful mysteries, as well in what concerneth your religion, as matters of the public state, and life economical. do you believe, upon your conscience, that homer, whilst he was a-couching his iliads and odysses, had any thought upon those allegories, which plutarch, heraclides ponticus, eustathius, cornutus squeezed out of him, and which politian filched again from them? if you trust it, with neither hand nor foot do you come near to my opinion, which judgeth them to have been as little dreamed of by homer, as the gospel sacraments were by ovid in his metamorphoses, though a certain gulligut friar (frere lubin croquelardon.) and true bacon-picker would have undertaken to prove it, if perhaps he had met with as very fools as himself, (and as the proverb says) a lid worthy of such a kettle. if you give no credit thereto, why do not you the same in these jovial new chronicles of mine? albeit when i did dictate them, i thought upon no more than you, who possibly were drinking the whilst as i was. for in the composing of this lordly book, i never lost nor bestowed any more, nor any other time than what was appointed to serve me for taking of my bodily refection, that is, whilst i was eating and drinking. and indeed that is the fittest and most proper hour wherein to write these high matters and deep sciences: as homer knew very well, the paragon of all philologues, and ennius, the father of the latin poets, as horace calls him, although a certain sneaking jobernol alleged that his verses smelled more of the wine than oil. so saith a turlupin or a new start-up grub of my books, but a turd for him. the fragrant odour of the wine, o how much more dainty, pleasant, laughing (riant, priant, friant.), celestial and delicious it is, than that smell of oil! and i will glory as much when it is said of me, that i have spent more on wine than oil, as did demosthenes, when it was told him, that his expense on oil was greater than on wine. i truly hold it for an honour and praise to be called and reputed a frolic gualter and a robin goodfellow; for under this name am i welcome in all choice companies of pantagruelists. it was upbraided to demosthenes by an envious surly knave, that his orations did smell like the sarpler or wrapper of a foul and filthy oil-vessel. for this cause interpret you all my deeds and sayings in the perfectest sense; reverence the cheese-like brain that feeds you with these fair billevezees and trifling jollities, and do what lies in you to keep me always merry. be frolic now, my lads, cheer up your hearts, and joyfully read the rest, with all the ease of your body and profit of your reins. but hearken, joltheads, you viedazes, or dickens take ye, remember to drink a health to me for the like favour again, and i will pledge you instantly, tout ares-metys. rabelais to the reader. good friends, my readers, who peruse this book, be not offended, whilst on it you look: denude yourselves of all depraved affection, for it contains no badness, nor infection: 'tis true that it brings forth to you no birth of any value, but in point of mirth; thinking therefore how sorrow might your mind consume, i could no apter subject find; one inch of joy surmounts of grief a span; because to laugh is proper to the man. chapter 1.i. of the genealogy and antiquity of gargantua. i must refer you to the great chronicle of pantagruel for the knowledge of that genealogy and antiquity of race by which gargantua is come unto us. in it you may understand more at large how the giants were born in this world, and how from them by a direct line issued gargantua, the father of pantagruel: and do not take it ill, if for this time i pass by it, although the subject be such, that the oftener it were remembered, the more it would please your worshipful seniorias; according to which you have the authority of plato in philebo and gorgias; and of flaccus, who says that there are some kinds of purposes (such as these are without doubt), which, the frequentlier they be repeated, still prove the more delectable. would to god everyone had as certain knowledge of his genealogy since the time of the ark of noah until this age. i think many are at this day emperors, kings, dukes, princes, and popes on the earth, whose extraction is from some porters and pardon-pedlars; as, on the contrary, many are now poor wandering beggars, wretched and miserable, who are descended of the blood and lineage of great kings and emperors, occasioned, as i conceive it, by the transport and revolution of kingdoms and empires, from the assyrians to the medes, from the medes to the persians, from the persians to the macedonians, from the macedonians to the romans, from the romans to the greeks, from the greeks to the french. and to give you some hint concerning myself, who speaks unto you, i cannot think but i am come of the race of some rich king or prince in former times; for never yet saw you any man that had a greater desire to be a king, and to be rich, than i have, and that only that i may make good cheer, do nothing, nor care for anything, and plentifully enrich my friends, and all honest and learned men. but herein do i comfort myself, that in the other world i shall be so, yea and greater too than at this present i dare wish. as for you, with the same or a better conceit consolate yourselves in your distresses, and drink fresh if you can come by it. to return to our wethers, i say that by the sovereign gift of heaven, the antiquity and genealogy of gargantua hath been reserved for our use more full and perfect than any other except that of the messias, whereof i mean not to speak; for it belongs not unto my purpose, and the devils, that is to say, the false accusers and dissembled gospellers, will therein oppose me. this genealogy was found by john andrew in a meadow, which he had near the pole-arch, under the olive-tree, as you go to narsay: where, as he was making cast up some ditches, the diggers with their mattocks struck against a great brazen tomb, and unmeasurably long, for they could never find the end thereof, by reason that it entered too far within the sluices of vienne. opening this tomb in a certain place thereof, sealed on the top with the mark of a goblet, about which was written in etrurian letters hic bibitur, they found nine flagons set in such order as they use to rank their kyles in gascony, of which that which was placed in the middle had under it a big, fat, great, grey, pretty, small, mouldy, little pamphlet, smelling stronger, but no better than roses. in that book the said genealogy was found written all at length, in a chancery hand, not in paper, not in parchment, nor in wax, but in the bark of an elm-tree, yet so worn with the long tract of time, that hardly could three letters together be there perfectly discerned. i (though unworthy) was sent for thither, and with much help of those spectacles, whereby the art of reading dim writings, and letters that do not clearly appear to the sight, is practised, as aristotle teacheth it, did translate the book as you may see in your pantagruelizing, that is to say, in drinking stiffly to your own heart's desire, and reading the dreadful and horrific acts of pantagruel. at the end of the book there was a little treatise entitled the antidoted fanfreluches, or a galimatia of extravagant conceits. the rats and moths, or (that i may not lie) other wicked beasts, had nibbled off the beginning: the rest i have hereto subjoined, for the reverence i bear to antiquity. chapter 1.ii. the antidoted fanfreluches: or, a galimatia of extravagant conceits found in an ancient monument. no sooner did the cymbrians' overcomer pass through the air to shun the dew of summer, but at his coming straight great tubs were fill'd, with pure fresh butter down in showers distill'd: wherewith when water'd was his grandam, hey, aloud he cried, fish it, sir, i pray y'; because his beard is almost all beray'd; or, that he would hold to 'm a scale, he pray'd. to lick his slipper, some told was much better, than to gain pardons, and the merit greater. in th' interim a crafty chuff approaches, from the depth issued, where they fish for roaches; who said, good sirs, some of them let us save, the eel is here, and in this hollow cave you'll find, if that our looks on it demur, a great waste in the bottom of his fur. to read this chapter when he did begin, nothing but a calf's horns were found therein; i feel, quoth he, the mitre which doth hold my head so chill, it makes my brains take cold. being with the perfume of a turnip warm'd, to stay by chimney hearths himself he arm'd, provided that a new thill-horse they made of every person of a hair-brain'd head. they talked of the bunghole of saint knowles, of gilbathar and thousand other holes, if they might be reduced t' a scarry stuff, such as might not be subject to the cough: since ev'ry man unseemly did it find, to see them gaping thus at ev'ry wind: for, if perhaps they handsomely were closed, for pledges they to men might be exposed. in this arrest by hercules the raven was flayed at her (his) return from lybia haven. why am not i, said minos, there invited? unless it be myself, not one's omitted: and then it is their mind, i do no more of frogs and oysters send them any store: in case they spare my life and prove but civil, i give their sale of distaffs to the devil. to quell him comes q.b., who limping frets at the safe pass of tricksy crackarets: the boulter, the grand cyclops' cousin, those did massacre, whilst each one wiped his nose: few ingles in this fallow ground are bred, but on a tanner's mill are winnowed. run thither all of you, th' alarms sound clear, you shall have more than you had the last year. short while thereafter was the bird of jove resolved to speak, though dismal it should prove; yet was afraid, when he saw them in ire, they should o'erthrow quite flat down dead th' empire. he rather choosed the fire from heaven to steal, to boats where were red herrings put to sale; than to be calm 'gainst those, who strive to brave us, and to the massorets' fond words enslave us. all this at last concluded gallantly, in spite of ate and her hern-like thigh, who, sitting, saw penthesilea ta'en, in her old age, for a cress-selling quean. each one cried out, thou filthy collier toad, doth it become thee to be found abroad? thou hast the roman standard filch'd away, which they in rags of parchment did display. juno was born, who, under the rainbow, was a-bird-catching with her duck below: when her with such a grievous trick they plied that she had almost been bethwacked by it. the bargain was, that, of that throatful, she should of proserpina have two eggs free; and if that she thereafter should be found, she to a hawthorn hill should be fast bound. seven months thereafter, lacking twenty-two, he, that of old did carthage town undo, did bravely midst them all himself advance, requiring of them his inheritance; although they justly made up the division, according to the shoe-welt-law's decision, by distributing store of brews and beef to these poor fellows that did pen the brief. but th' year will come, sign of a turkish bow, five spindles yarn'd, and three pot-bottoms too, wherein of a discourteous king the dock shall pepper'd be under an hermit's frock. ah! that for one she hypocrite you must permit so many acres to be lost! cease, cease, this vizard may become another, withdraw yourselves unto the serpent's brother. 'tis in times past, that he who is shall reign with his good friends in peace now and again. no rash nor heady prince shall then rule crave, each good will its arbitrement shall have; and the joy, promised of old as doom to the heaven's guests, shall in its beacon come. then shall the breeding mares, that benumb'd were, like royal palfreys ride triumphant there. and this continue shall from time to time, till mars be fetter'd for an unknown crime; then shall one come, who others will surpass, delightful, pleasing, matchless, full of grace. cheer up your hearts, approach to this repast, all trusty friends of mine; for he's deceased, who would not for a world return again, so highly shall time past be cried up then. he who was made of wax shall lodge each member close by the hinges of a block of timber. we then no more shall master, master, whoot, the swagger, who th' alarum bell holds out; could one seize on the dagger which he bears, heads would be free from tingling in the ears, to baffle the whole storehouse of abuses. the thus farewell apollo and the muses. chapter 1.iii. how gargantua was carried eleven months in his mother's belly. grangousier was a good fellow in his time, and notable jester; he loved to drink neat, as much as any man that then was in the world, and would willingly eat salt meat. to this intent he was ordinarily well furnished with gammons of bacon, both of westphalia, mayence and bayonne, with store of dried neat's tongues, plenty of links, chitterlings and puddings in their season; together with salt beef and mustard, a good deal of hard roes of powdered mullet called botargos, great provision of sausages, not of bolonia (for he feared the lombard boccone), but of bigorre, longaulnay, brene, and rouargue. in the vigour of his age he married gargamelle, daughter to the king of the parpaillons, a jolly pug, and well-mouthed wench. these two did oftentimes do the two-backed beast together, joyfully rubbing and frotting their bacon 'gainst one another, in so far, that at last she became great with child of a fair son, and went with him unto the eleventh month; for so long, yea longer, may a woman carry her great belly, especially when it is some masterpiece of nature, and a person predestinated to the performance, in his due time, of great exploits. as homer says, that the child, which neptune begot upon the nymph, was born a whole year after the conception, that is, in the twelfth month. for, as aulus gellius saith, lib. 3, this long time was suitable to the majesty of neptune, that in it the child might receive his perfect form. for the like reason jupiter made the night, wherein he lay with alcmena, last forty-eight hours, a shorter time not being sufficient for the forging of hercules, who cleansed the world of the monsters and tyrants wherewith it was suppressed. my masters, the ancient pantagruelists, have confirmed that which i say, and withal declared it to be not only possible, but also maintained the lawful birth and legitimation of the infant born of a woman in the eleventh month after the decease of her husband. hypocrates, lib. de alimento. plinius, lib. 7, cap. 5. plautus, in his cistelleria. marcus varro, in his satire inscribed the testament, alleging to this purpose the authority of aristotle. censorinus, lib. de die natali. arist. lib. 7, cap. 3 & 4, de natura animalium. gellius, lib. 3, cap. 16. servius, in his exposition upon this verse of virgil's eclogues, matri longa decem, &c., and a thousand other fools, whose number hath been increased by the lawyers ff. de suis, et legit l. intestato. paragrapho. fin. and in auth. de restitut. et ea quae parit in xi mense. moreover upon these grounds they have foisted in their robidilardic, or lapiturolive law. gallus ff. de lib. et posth. l. sept. ff. de stat. hom., and some other laws, which at this time i dare not name. by means whereof the honest widows may without danger play at the close buttock game with might and main, and as hard as they can, for the space of the first two months after the decease of their husbands. i pray you, my good lusty springal lads, if you find any of these females, that are worth the pains of untying the codpiece-point, get up, ride upon them, and bring them to me; for, if they happen within the third month to conceive, the child should be heir to the deceased, if, before he died, he had no other children, and the mother shall pass for an honest woman. when she is known to have conceived, thrust forward boldly, spare her not, whatever betide you, seeing the paunch is full. as julia, the daughter of the emperor octavian, never prostituted herself to her belly-bumpers, but when she found herself with child, after the manner of ships, that receive not their steersman till they have their ballast and lading. and if any blame them for this their rataconniculation, and reiterated lechery upon their pregnancy and big-belliedness, seeing beasts, in the like exigent of their fulness, will never suffer the male-masculant to encroach them, their answer will be, that those are beasts, but they are women, very well skilled in the pretty vales and small fees of the pleasant trade and mysteries of superfetation: as populia heretofore answered, according to the relation of macrobius, lib. 2. saturnal. if the devil will not have them to bag, he must wring hard the spigot, and stop the bung-hole. chapter 1.iv. how gargamelle, being great with gargantua, did eat a huge deal of tripes. the occasion and manner how gargamelle was brought to bed, and delivered of her child, was thus: and, if you do not believe it, i wish your bum-gut fall out and make an escapade. her bum-gut, indeed, or fundament escaped her in an afternoon, on the third day of february, with having eaten at dinner too many godebillios. godebillios are the fat tripes of coiros. coiros are beeves fattened at the cratch in ox-stalls, or in the fresh guimo meadows. guimo meadows are those that for their fruitfulness may be mowed twice a year. of those fat beeves they had killed three hundred sixty-seven thousand and fourteen, to be salted at shrovetide, that in the entering of the spring they might have plenty of powdered beef, wherewith to season their mouths at the beginning of their meals, and to taste their wine the better. they had abundance of tripes, as you have heard, and they were so delicious, that everyone licked his fingers. but the mischief was this, that, for all men could do, there was no possibility to keep them long in that relish; for in a very short while they would have stunk, which had been an undecent thing. it was therefore concluded, that they should be all of them gulched up, without losing anything. to this effect they invited all the burghers of sainais, of suille, of the roche-clermaud, of vaugaudry, without omitting the coudray, monpensier, the gue de vede, and other their neighbours, all stiff drinkers, brave fellows, and good players at the kyles. the good man grangousier took great pleasure in their company, and commanded there should be no want nor pinching for anything. nevertheless he bade his wife eat sparingly, because she was near her time, and that these tripes were no very commendable meat. they would fain, said he, be at the chewing of ordure, that would eat the case wherein it was. notwithstanding these admonitions, she did eat sixteen quarters, two bushels, three pecks and a pipkin full. o the fair fecality wherewith she swelled, by the ingrediency of such shitten stuff! after dinner they all went out in a hurl to the grove of the willows, where, on the green grass, to the sound of the merry flutes and pleasant bagpipes, they danced so gallantly, that it was a sweet and heavenly sport to see them so frolic. chapter 1.v. the discourse of the drinkers. [illustration: all stiff drinkers--1-05-006] then did they fall upon the chat of victuals and some belly furniture to be snatched at in the very same place. which purpose was no sooner mentioned, but forthwith began flagons to go, gammons to trot, goblets to fly, great bowls to ting, glasses to ring. draw, reach, fill, mix, give it me without water. so, my friend, so, whip me off this glass neatly, bring me hither some claret, a full weeping glass till it run over. a cessation and truce with thirst. ha, thou false fever, wilt thou not be gone? by my figgins, godmother, i cannot as yet enter in the humour of being merry, nor drink so currently as i would. you have catched a cold, gammer? yea, forsooth, sir. by the belly of sanct buff, let us talk of our drink: i never drink but at my hours, like the pope's mule. and i never drink but in my breviary, like a fair father guardian. which was first, thirst or drinking? thirst, for who in the time of innocence would have drunk without being athirst? nay, sir, it was drinking; for privatio praesupponit habitum. i am learned, you see: foecundi calices quem non fecere disertum? we poor innocents drink but too much without thirst. not i truly, who am a sinner, for i never drink without thirst, either present or future. to prevent it, as you know, i drink for the thirst to come. i drink eternally. this is to me an eternity of drinking, and drinking of eternity. let us sing, let us drink, and tune up our roundelays. where is my funnel? what, it seems i do not drink but by an attorney? do you wet yourselves to dry, or do you dry to wet you? pish, i understand not the rhetoric (theoric, i should say), but i help myself somewhat by the practice. baste! enough! i sup, i wet, i humect, i moisten my gullet, i drink, and all for fear of dying. drink always and you shall never die. if i drink not, i am a-ground, dry, gravelled and spent. i am stark dead without drink, and my soul ready to fly into some marsh amongst frogs; the soul never dwells in a dry place, drouth kills it. o you butlers, creators of new forms, make me of no drinker a drinker, a perennity and everlastingness of sprinkling and bedewing me through these my parched and sinewy bowels. he drinks in vain that feels not the pleasure of it. this entereth into my veins,--the pissing tools and urinal vessels shall have nothing of it. i would willingly wash the tripes of the calf which i apparelled this morning. i have pretty well now ballasted my stomach and stuffed my paunch. if the papers of my bonds and bills could drink as well as i do, my creditors would not want for wine when they come to see me, or when they are to make any formal exhibition of their rights to what of me they can demand. this hand of yours spoils your nose. o how many other such will enter here before this go out! what, drink so shallow? it is enough to break both girds and petrel. this is called a cup of dissimulation, or flagonal hypocrisy. what difference is there between a bottle and a flagon. great difference; for the bottle is stopped and shut up with a stopple, but the flagon with a vice (la bouteille est fermee a bouchon, et le flaccon a vis.). bravely and well played upon the words! our fathers drank lustily, and emptied their cans. well cacked, well sung! come, let us drink: will you send nothing to the river? here is one going to wash the tripes. i drink no more than a sponge. i drink like a templar knight. and i, tanquam sponsus. and i, sicut terra sine aqua. give me a synonymon for a gammon of bacon. it is the compulsory of drinkers: it is a pulley. by a pulley-rope wine is let down into a cellar, and by a gammon into the stomach. hey! now, boys, hither, some drink, some drink. there is no trouble in it. respice personam, pone pro duos, bus non est in usu. if i could get up as well as i can swallow down, i had been long ere now very high in the air. thus became tom tosspot rich,--thus went in the tailor's stitch. thus did bacchus conquer th' inde--thus philosophy, melinde. a little rain allays a great deal of wind: long tippling breaks the thunder. but if there came such liquor from my ballock, would you not willingly thereafter suck the udder whence it issued? here, page, fill! i prithee, forget me not when it comes to my turn, and i will enter the election i have made of thee into the very register of my heart. sup, guillot, and spare not, there is somewhat in the pot. i appeal from thirst, and disclaim its jurisdiction. page, sue out my appeal in form. this remnant in the bottom of the glass must follow its leader. i was wont heretofore to drink out all, but now i leave nothing. let us not make too much haste; it is requisite we carry all along with us. heyday, here are tripes fit for our sport, and, in earnest, excellent godebillios of the dun ox (you know) with the black streak. o, for god's sake, let us lash them soundly, yet thriftily. drink, or i will,--no, no, drink, i beseech you (ou je vous, je vous prie.). sparrows will not eat unless you bob them on the tail, nor can i drink if i be not fairly spoke to. the concavities of my body are like another hell for their capacity. lagonaedatera (lagon lateris cavitas: aides orcus: and eteros alter.). there is not a corner, nor coney-burrow in all my body, where this wine doth not ferret out my thirst. ho, this will bang it soundly. but this shall banish it utterly. let us wind our horns by the sound of flagons and bottles, and cry aloud, that whoever hath lost his thirst come not hither to seek it. long clysters of drinking are to be voided without doors. the great god made the planets, and we make the platters neat. i have the word of the gospel in my mouth, sitio. the stone called asbestos is not more unquenchable than the thirst of my paternity. appetite comes with eating, says angeston, but the thirst goes away with drinking. i have a remedy against thirst, quite contrary to that which is good against the biting of a mad dog. keep running after a dog, and he will never bite you; drink always before the thirst, and it will never come upon you. there i catch you, i awake you. argus had a hundred eyes for his sight, a butler should have (like briareus) a hundred hands wherewith to fill us wine indefatigably. hey now, lads, let us moisten ourselves, it will be time to dry hereafter. white wine here, wine, boys! pour out all in the name of lucifer, fill here, you, fill and fill (peascods on you) till it be full. my tongue peels. lans trinque; to thee, countryman, i drink to thee, good fellow, comrade to thee, lusty, lively! ha, la, la, that was drunk to some purpose, and bravely gulped over. o lachryma christi, it is of the best grape! i'faith, pure greek, greek! o the fine white wine! upon my conscience, it is a kind of taffetas wine,--hin, hin, it is of one ear, well wrought, and of good wool. courage, comrade, up thy heart, billy! we will not be beasted at this bout, for i have got one trick. ex hoc in hoc. there is no enchantment nor charm there, every one of you hath seen it. my 'prenticeship is out, i am a free man at this trade. i am prester mast (prestre mace, maistre passe.), prish, brum! i should say, master past. o the drinkers, those that are a-dry, o poor thirsty souls! good page, my friend, fill me here some, and crown the wine, i pray thee. like a cardinal! natura abhorret vacuum. would you say that a fly could drink in this? this is after the fashion of switzerland. clear off, neat, supernaculum! come, therefore, blades, to this divine liquor and celestial juice, swill it over heartily, and spare not! it is a decoction of nectar and ambrosia. chapter 1.vi. how gargantua was born in a strange manner. whilst they were on this discourse and pleasant tattle of drinking, gargamelle began to be a little unwell in her lower parts; whereupon grangousier arose from off the grass, and fell to comfort her very honestly and kindly, suspecting that she was in travail, and told her that it was best for her to sit down upon the grass under the willows, because she was like very shortly to see young feet, and that therefore it was convenient she should pluck up her spirits, and take a good heart of new at the fresh arrival of her baby; saying to her withal, that although the pain was somewhat grievous to her, it would be but of short continuance, and that the succeeding joy would quickly remove that sorrow, in such sort that she should not so much as remember it. on, with a sheep's courage! quoth he. despatch this boy, and we will speedily fall to work for the making of another. ha! said she, so well as you speak at your own ease, you that are men! well, then, in the name of god, i'll do my best, seeing that you will have it so, but would to god that it were cut off from you! what? said grangousier. ha, said she, you are a good man indeed, you understand it well enough. what, my member? said he. by the goat's blood, if it please you, that shall be done instantly; cause bring hither a knife. alas, said she, the lord forbid, and pray jesus to forgive me! i did not say it from my heart, therefore let it alone, and do not do it neither more nor less any kind of harm for my speaking so to you. but i am like to have work enough to do to-day and all for your member, yet god bless you and it. courage, courage, said he, take you no care of the matter, let the four foremost oxen do the work. i will yet go drink one whiff more, and if in the mean time anything befall you that may require my presence, i will be so near to you, that, at the first whistling in your fist, i shall be with you forthwith. a little while after she began to groan, lament and cry. then suddenly came the midwives from all quarters, who groping her below, found some peloderies, which was a certain filthy stuff, and of a taste truly bad enough. this they thought had been the child, but it was her fundament, that was slipped out with the mollification of her straight entrail, which you call the bum-gut, and that merely by eating of too many tripes, as we have showed you before. whereupon an old ugly trot in the company, who had the repute of an expert she-physician, and was come from brisepaille, near to saint genou, three score years before, made her so horrible a restrictive and binding medicine, and whereby all her larris, arse-pipes, and conduits were so oppilated, stopped, obstructed, and contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your teeth, which is a terrible thing to think upon; seeing the devil at the mass at saint martin's was puzzled with the like task, when with his teeth he had lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle-tattle of two young mangy whores. by this inconvenient the cotyledons of her matrix were presently loosed, through which the child sprang up and leaped, and so, entering into the hollow vein, did climb by the diaphragm even above her shoulders, where the vein divides itself into two, and from thence taking his way towards the left side, issued forth at her left ear. as soon as he was born, he cried not as other babes use to do, miez, miez, miez, miez, but with a high, sturdy, and big voice shouted about, some drink, some drink, some drink, as inviting all the world to drink with him. the noise hereof was so extremely great, that it was heard in both the countries at once of beauce and bibarois. i doubt me, that you do not thoroughly believe the truth of this strange nativity. though you believe it not, i care not much: but an honest man, and of good judgment, believeth still what is told him, and that which he finds written. is this beyond our law or our faith--against reason or the holy scripture? for my part, i find nothing in the sacred bible that is against it. but tell me, if it had been the will of god, would you say that he could not do it? ha, for favour sake, i beseech you, never emberlucock or inpulregafize your spirits with these vain thoughts and idle conceits; for i tell you, it is not impossible with god, and, if he pleased, all women henceforth should bring forth their children at the ear. was not bacchus engendered out of the very thigh of jupiter? did not roquetaillade come out at his mother's heel, and crocmoush from the slipper of his nurse? was not minerva born of the brain, even through the ear of jove? adonis, of the bark of a myrrh tree; and castor and pollux of the doupe of that egg which was laid and hatched by leda? but you would wonder more, and with far greater amazement, if i should now present you with that chapter of plinius, wherein he treateth of strange births, and contrary to nature, and yet am not i so impudent a liar as he was. read the seventh book of his natural history, chap.3, and trouble not my head any more about this. chapter 1.vii. after what manner gargantua had his name given him, and how he tippled, bibbed, and curried the can. [illustration: one of the girls brought him wine--1-07-018] the good man grangousier, drinking and making merry with the rest, heard the horrible noise which his son had made as he entered into the light of this world, when he cried out, some drink, some drink, some drink; whereupon he said in french, que grand tu as et souple le gousier! that is to say, how great and nimble a throat thou hast. which the company hearing, said that verily the child ought to be called gargantua; because it was the first word that after his birth his father had spoke, in imitation, and at the example of the ancient hebrews; whereunto he condescended, and his mother was very well pleased therewith. in the meanwhile, to quiet the child, they gave him to drink a tirelaregot, that is, till his throat was like to crack with it; then was he carried to the font, and there baptized, according to the manner of good christians. immediately thereafter were appointed for him seventeen thousand, nine hundred, and thirteen cows of the towns of pautille and brehemond, to furnish him with milk in ordinary, for it was impossible to find a nurse sufficient for him in all the country, considering the great quantity of milk that was requisite for his nourishment; although there were not wanting some doctors of the opinion of scotus, who affirmed that his own mother gave him suck, and that she could draw out of her breasts one thousand, four hundred, two pipes, and nine pails of milk at every time. which indeed is not probable, and this point hath been found duggishly scandalous and offensive to tender ears, for that it savoured a little of heresy. thus was he handled for one year and ten months; after which time, by the advice of physicians, they began to carry him, and then was made for him a fine little cart drawn with oxen, of the invention of jan denio, wherein they led him hither and thither with great joy; and he was worth the seeing, for he was a fine boy, had a burly physiognomy, and almost ten chins. he cried very little, but beshit himself every hour: for, to speak truly of him, he was wonderfully phlegmatic in his posteriors, both by reason of his natural complexion and the accidental disposition which had befallen him by his too much quaffing of the septembral juice. yet without a cause did not he sup one drop; for if he happened to be vexed, angry, displeased, or sorry, if he did fret, if he did weep, if he did cry, and what grievous quarter soever he kept, in bringing him some drink, he would be instantly pacified, reseated in his own temper, in a good humour again, and as still and quiet as ever. one of his governesses told me (swearing by her fig), how he was so accustomed to this kind of way, that, at the sound of pints and flagons, he would on a sudden fall into an ecstasy, as if he had then tasted of the joys of paradise; so that they, upon consideration of this, his divine complexion, would every morning, to cheer him up, play with a knife upon the glasses, on the bottles with their stopples, and on the pottle-pots with their lids and covers, at the sound whereof he became gay, did leap for joy, would loll and rock himself in the cradle, then nod with his head, monochordizing with his fingers, and barytonizing with his tail. chapter 1.viii. how they apparelled gargantua. being of this age, his father ordained to have clothes made to him in his own livery, which was white and blue. to work then went the tailors, and with great expedition were those clothes made, cut, and sewed, according to the fashion that was then in request. i find by the ancient records or pancarts, to be seen in the chamber of accounts, or court of the exchequer at montsoreau, that he was accoutred in manner as followeth. to make him every shirt of his were taken up nine hundred ells of chasteleraud linen, and two hundred for the gussets, in manner of cushions, which they put under his armpits. his shirt was not gathered nor plaited, for the plaiting of shirts was not found out till the seamstresses (when the point of their needle (besongner du cul, englished the eye of the needle.) was broken) began to work and occupy with the tail. there were taken up for his doublet, eight hundred and thirteen ells of white satin, and for his points fifteen hundred and nine dogs' skins and a half. then was it that men began to tie their breeches to their doublets, and not their doublets to their breeches: for it is against nature, as hath most amply been showed by ockham upon the exponibles of master haultechaussade. for his breeches were taken up eleven hundred and five ells and a third of white broadcloth. they were cut in the form of pillars, chamfered, channelled and pinked behind that they might not over-heat his reins: and were, within the panes, puffed out with the lining of as much blue damask as was needful: and remark, that he had very good leg-harness, proportionable to the rest of his stature. for his codpiece were used sixteen ells and a quarter of the same cloth, and it was fashioned on the top like unto a triumphant arch, most gallantly fastened with two enamelled clasps, in each of which was set a great emerald, as big as an orange; for, as says orpheus, lib. de lapidibus, and plinius, libro ultimo, it hath an erective virtue and comfortative of the natural member. the exiture, outjecting or outstanding, of his codpiece was of the length of a yard, jagged and pinked, and withal bagging, and strutting out with the blue damask lining, after the manner of his breeches. but had you seen the fair embroidery of the small needlework purl, and the curiously interlaced knots, by the goldsmith's art set out and trimmed with rich diamonds, precious rubies, fine turquoises, costly emeralds, and persian pearls, you would have compared it to a fair cornucopia, or horn of abundance, such as you see in antiques, or as rhea gave to the two nymphs, amalthea and ida, the nurses of jupiter. and, like to that horn of abundance, it was still gallant, succulent, droppy, sappy, pithy, lively, always flourishing, always fructifying, full of juice, full of flower, full of fruit, and all manner of delight. i avow god, it would have done one good to have seen him, but i will tell you more of him in the book which i have made of the dignity of codpieces. one thing i will tell you, that as it was both long and large, so was it well furnished and victualled within, nothing like unto the hypocritical codpieces of some fond wooers and wench-courtiers, which are stuffed only with wind, to the great prejudice of the female sex. for his shoes were taken up four hundred and six ells of blue crimson-velvet, and were very neatly cut by parallel lines, joined in uniform cylinders. for the soling of them were made use of eleven hundred hides of brown cows, shapen like the tail of a keeling. for his coat were taken up eighteen hundred ells of blue velvet, dyed in grain, embroidered in its borders with fair gilliflowers, in the middle decked with silver purl, intermixed with plates of gold and store of pearls, hereby showing that in his time he would prove an especial good fellow and singular whipcan. his girdle was made of three hundred ells and a half of silken serge, half white and half blue, if i mistake it not. his sword was not of valentia, nor his dagger of saragossa, for his father could not endure these hidalgos borrachos maranisados como diablos: but he had a fair sword made of wood, and the dagger of boiled leather, as well painted and gilded as any man could wish. his purse was made of the cod of an elephant, which was given him by herr pracontal, proconsul of lybia. for his gown were employed nine thousand six hundred ells, wanting two-thirds, of blue velvet, as before, all so diagonally purled, that by true perspective issued thence an unnamed colour, like that you see in the necks of turtle-doves or turkey-cocks, which wonderfully rejoiced the eyes of the beholders. for his bonnet or cap were taken up three hundred, two ells and a quarter of white velvet, and the form thereof was wide and round, of the bigness of his head; for his father said that the caps of the marrabaise fashion, made like the cover of a pasty, would one time or other bring a mischief on those that wore them. for his plume, he wore a fair great blue feather, plucked from an onocrotal of the country of hircania the wild, very prettily hanging down over his right ear. for the jewel or brooch which in his cap he carried, he had in a cake of gold, weighing three score and eight marks, a fair piece enamelled, wherein was portrayed a man's body with two heads, looking towards one another, four arms, four feet, two arses, such as plato, in symposio, says was the mystical beginning of man's nature; and about it was written in ionic letters, agame ou zetei ta eautes, or rather, aner kai gune zugada anthrotos idiaitata, that is, vir et mulier junctim propriissime homo. to wear about his neck, he had a golden chain, weighing twenty-five thousand and sixty-three marks of gold, the links thereof being made after the manner of great berries, amongst which were set in work green jaspers engraven and cut dragon-like, all environed with beams and sparks, as king nicepsos of old was wont to wear them: and it reached down to the very bust of the rising of his belly, whereby he reaped great benefit all his life long, as the greek physicians know well enough. for his gloves were put in work sixteen otters' skins, and three of the loupgarous, or men-eating wolves, for the bordering of them: and of this stuff were they made, by the appointment of the cabalists of sanlouand. as for the rings which his father would have him to wear, to renew the ancient mark of nobility, he had on the forefinger of his left hand a carbuncle as big as an ostrich's egg, enchased very daintily in gold of the fineness of a turkey seraph. upon the middle finger of the same hand he had a ring made of four metals together, of the strangest fashion that ever was seen; so that the steel did not crash against the gold, nor the silver crush the copper. all this was made by captain chappuys, and alcofribas his good agent. on the medical finger of his right hand he had a ring made spire-wise, wherein was set a perfect balas ruby, a pointed diamond, and a physon emerald, of an inestimable value. for hans carvel, the king of melinda's jeweller, esteemed them at the rate of threescore nine millions, eight hundred ninety-four thousand, and eighteen french crowns of berry, and at so much did the foucres of augsburg prize them. chapter 1.ix. the colours and liveries of gargantua. gargantua's colours were white and blue, as i have showed you before, by which his father would give us to understand that his son to him was a heavenly joy; for the white did signify gladness, pleasure, delight, and rejoicing, and the blue, celestial things. i know well enough that, in reading this, you laugh at the old drinker, and hold this exposition of colours to be very extravagant, and utterly disagreeable to reason, because white is said to signify faith, and blue constancy. but without moving, vexing, heating, or putting you in a chafe (for the weather is dangerous), answer me, if it please you; for no other compulsory way of arguing will i use towards you, or any else; only now and then i will mention a word or two of my bottle. what is it that induceth you, what stirs you up to believe, or who told you that white signifieth faith, and blue constancy? an old paltry book, say you, sold by the hawking pedlars and balladmongers, entitled the blason of colours. who made it? whoever it was, he was wise in that he did not set his name to it. but, besides, i know not what i should rather admire in him, his presumption or his sottishness. his presumption and overweening, for that he should without reason, without cause, or without any appearance of truth, have dared to prescribe, by his private authority, what things should be denotated and signified by the colour: which is the custom of tyrants, who will have their will to bear sway in stead of equity, and not of the wise and learned, who with the evidence of reason satisfy their readers. his sottishness and want of spirit, in that he thought that, without any other demonstration or sufficient argument, the world would be pleased to make his blockish and ridiculous impositions the rule of their devices. in effect, according to the proverb, to a shitten tail fails never ordure, he hath found, it seems, some simple ninny in those rude times of old, when the wearing of high round bonnets was in fashion, who gave some trust to his writings, according to which they carved and engraved their apophthegms and mottoes, trapped and caparisoned their mules and sumpter-horses, apparelled their pages, quartered their breeches, bordered their gloves, fringed the curtains and valances of their beds, painted their ensigns, composed songs, and, which is worse, placed many deceitful jugglings and unworthy base tricks undiscoveredly amongst the very chastest matrons and most reverend sciences. in the like darkness and mist of ignorance are wrapped up these vain-glorious courtiers and name-transposers, who, going about in their impresas to signify esperance (that is, hope), have portrayed a sphere--and birds' pennes for pains--l'ancholie (which is the flower colombine) for melancholy--a waning moon or crescent, to show the increasing or rising of one's fortune--a bench rotten and broken, to signify bankrupt--non and a corslet for non dur habit (otherwise non durabit, it shall not last), un lit sans ciel, that is, a bed without a tester, for un licencie, a graduated person, as bachelor in divinity or utter barrister-at-law; which are equivocals so absurd and witless, so barbarous and clownish, that a fox's tail should be fastened to the neck-piece of, and a vizard made of a cowsherd given to everyone that henceforth should offer, after the restitution of learning, to make use of any such fopperies in france. by the same reasons (if reasons i should call them, and not ravings rather, and idle triflings about words), might i cause paint a pannier, to signify that i am in pain--a mustard-pot, that my heart tarries much for't--one pissing upwards for a bishop--the bottom of a pair of breeches for a vessel full of fart-hings--a codpiece for the office of the clerks of the sentences, decrees, or judgments, or rather, as the english bears it, for the tail of a codfish--and a dog's turd for the dainty turret wherein lies the love of my sweetheart. far otherwise did heretofore the sages of egypt, when they wrote by letters, which they called hieroglyphics, which none understood who were not skilled in the virtue, property, and nature of the things represented by them. of which orus apollon hath in greek composed two books, and polyphilus, in his dream of love, set down more. in france you have a taste of them in the device or impresa of my lord admiral, which was carried before that time by octavian augustus. but my little skiff alongst these unpleasant gulfs and shoals will sail no further, therefore must i return to the port from whence i came. yet do i hope one day to write more at large of these things, and to show both by philosophical arguments and authorities, received and approved of by and from all antiquity, what, and how many colours there are in nature, and what may be signified by every one of them, if god save the mould of my cap, which is my best wine-pot, as my grandam said. chapter 1.x. of that which is signified by the colours white and blue. the white therefore signifieth joy, solace, and gladness, and that not at random, but upon just and very good grounds: which you may perceive to be true, if laying aside all prejudicate affections, you will but give ear to what presently i shall expound unto you. aristotle saith that, supposing two things contrary in their kind, as good and evil, virtue and vice, heat and cold, white and black, pleasure and pain, joy and grief,--and so of others,--if you couple them in such manner that the contrary of one kind may agree in reason with the contrary of the other, it must follow by consequence that the other contrary must answer to the remanent opposite to that wherewith it is conferred. as, for example, virtue and vice are contrary in one kind, so are good and evil. if one of the contraries of the first kind be consonant to one of those of the second, as virtue and goodness, for it is clear that virtue is good, so shall the other two contraries, which are evil and vice, have the same connection, for vice is evil. this logical rule being understood, take these two contraries, joy and sadness; then these other two, white and black, for they are physically contrary. if so be, then, that black do signify grief, by good reason then should white import joy. nor is this signification instituted by human imposition, but by the universal consent of the world received, which philosophers call jus gentium, the law of nations, or an uncontrollable right of force in all countries whatsoever. for you know well enough that all people, and all languages and nations, except the ancient syracusans and certain argives, who had cross and thwarting souls, when they mean outwardly to give evidence of their sorrow, go in black; and all mourning is done with black. which general consent is not without some argument and reason in nature, the which every man may by himself very suddenly comprehend, without the instruction of any--and this we call the law of nature. by virtue of the same natural instinct we know that by white all the world hath understood joy, gladness, mirth, pleasure, and delight. in former times the thracians and cretans did mark their good, propitious, and fortunate days with white stones, and their sad, dismal, and unfortunate ones with black. is not the night mournful, sad, and melancholic? it is black and dark by the privation of light. doth not the light comfort all the world? and it is more white than anything else. which to prove, i could direct you to the book of laurentius valla against bartolus; but an evangelical testimony i hope will content you. matth. 17 it is said that, at the transfiguration of our lord, vestimenta ejus facta sunt alba sicut lux, his apparel was made white like the light. by which lightsome whiteness he gave his three apostles to understand the idea and figure of the eternal joys; for by the light are all men comforted, according to the word of the old woman, who, although she had never a tooth in her head, was wont to say, bona lux. and tobit, chap.5, after he had lost his sight, when raphael saluted him, answered, what joy can i have, that do not see the light of heaven? in that colour did the angels testify the joy of the whole world at the resurrection of our saviour, john 20, and at his ascension, acts 1. with the like colour of vesture did st. john the evangelist, apoc. 4.7, see the faithful clothed in the heavenly and blessed jerusalem. read the ancient, both greek and latin histories, and you shall find that the town of alba (the first pattern of rome) was founded and so named by reason of a white sow that was seen there. you shall likewise find in those stories, that when any man, after he had vanquished his enemies, was by decree of the senate to enter into rome triumphantly, he usually rode in a chariot drawn by white horses: which in the ovation triumph was also the custom; for by no sign or colour would they so significantly express the joy of their coming as by the white. you shall there also find, how pericles, the general of the athenians, would needs have that part of his army unto whose lot befell the white beans, to spend the whole day in mirth, pleasure, and ease, whilst the rest were a-fighting. a thousand other examples and places could i allege to this purpose, but that it is not here where i should do it. by understanding hereof, you may resolve one problem, which alexander aphrodiseus hath accounted unanswerable: why the lion, who with his only cry and roaring affrights all beasts, dreads and feareth only a white cock? for, as proclus saith, libro de sacrificio et magia, it is because the presence of the virtue of the sun, which is the organ and promptuary of all terrestrial and sidereal light, doth more symbolize and agree with a white cock, as well in regard of that colour, as of his property and specifical quality, than with a lion. he saith, furthermore, that devils have been often seen in the shape of lions, which at the sight of a white cock have presently vanished. this is the cause why galli or gallices (so are the frenchmen called, because they are naturally white as milk, which the greeks call gala,) do willingly wear in their caps white feathers, for by nature they are of a candid disposition, merry, kind, gracious, and well-beloved, and for their cognizance and arms have the whitest flower of any, the flower de luce or lily. if you demand how, by white, nature would have us understand joy and gladness, i answer, that the analogy and uniformity is thus. for, as the white doth outwardly disperse and scatter the rays of the sight, whereby the optic spirits are manifestly dissolved, according to the opinion of aristotle in his problems and perspective treatises; as you may likewise perceive by experience, when you pass over mountains covered with snow, how you will complain that you cannot see well; as xenophon writes to have happened to his men, and as galen very largely declareth, lib. 10, de usu partium: just so the heart with excessive joy is inwardly dilated, and suffereth a manifest resolution of the vital spirits, which may go so far on that it may thereby be deprived of its nourishment, and by consequence of life itself, by this perichary or extremity of gladness, as galen saith, lib. 12, method, lib. 5, de locis affectis, and lib. 2, de symptomatum causis. and as it hath come to pass in former times, witness marcus tullius, lib. 1, quaest. tuscul., verrius, aristotle, titus livius, in his relation of the battle of cannae, plinius, lib. 7, cap. 32 and 34, a. gellius, lib. 3, c. 15, and many other writers,--to diagoras the rhodian, chilon, sophocles, dionysius the tyrant of sicily, philippides, philemon, polycrates, philistion, m. juventi, and others who died with joy. and as avicen speaketh, in 2 canon et lib. de virib. cordis, of the saffron, that it doth so rejoice the heart that, if you take of it excessively, it will by a superfluous resolution and dilation deprive it altogether of life. here peruse alex. aphrodiseus, lib. 1, probl., cap. 19, and that for a cause. but what? it seems i am entered further into this point than i intended at the first. here, therefore, will i strike sail, referring the rest to that book of mine which handleth this matter to the full. meanwhile, in a word i will tell you, that blue doth certainly signify heaven and heavenly things, by the same very tokens and symbols that white signifieth joy and pleasure. chapter 1.xi. of the youthful age of gargantua. [illustration: on the road to the castle--1-11-026] gargantua, from three years upwards unto five, was brought up and instructed in all convenient discipline by the commandment of his father; and spent that time like the other little children of the country, that is, in drinking, eating, and sleeping: in eating, sleeping, and drinking: and in sleeping, drinking, and eating. still he wallowed and rolled up and down himself in the mire and dirt--he blurred and sullied his nose with filth--he blotted and smutched his face with any kind of scurvy stuff--he trod down his shoes in the heel--at the flies he did oftentimes yawn, and ran very heartily after the butterflies, the empire whereof belonged to his father. he pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and wiped his nose on his sleeve--he did let his snot and snivel fall in his pottage, and dabbled, paddled, and slobbered everywhere--he would drink in his slipper, and ordinarily rub his belly against a pannier. he sharpened his teeth with a top, washed his hands with his broth, and combed his head with a bowl. he would sit down betwixt two stools, and his arse to the ground --would cover himself with a wet sack, and drink in eating of his soup. he did eat his cake sometimes without bread, would bite in laughing, and laugh in biting. oftentimes did he spit in the basin, and fart for fatness, piss against the sun, and hide himself in the water for fear of rain. he would strike out of the cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle it. he would flay the fox, say the ape's paternoster, return to his sheep, and turn the hogs to the hay. he would beat the dogs before the lion, put the plough before the oxen, and claw where it did not itch. he would pump one to draw somewhat out of him, by griping all would hold fast nothing, and always eat his white bread first. he shoed the geese, kept a self-tickling to make himself laugh, and was very steadable in the kitchen: made a mock at the gods, would cause sing magnificat at matins, and found it very convenient so to do. he would eat cabbage, and shite beets,--knew flies in a dish of milk, and would make them lose their feet. he would scrape paper, blur parchment, then run away as hard as he could. he would pull at the kid's leather, or vomit up his dinner, then reckon without his host. he would beat the bushes without catching the birds, thought the moon was made of green cheese, and that bladders are lanterns. out of one sack he would take two moultures or fees for grinding; would act the ass's part to get some bran, and of his fist would make a mallet. he took the cranes at the first leap, and would have the mail-coats to be made link after link. he always looked a given horse in the mouth, leaped from the cock to the ass, and put one ripe between two green. by robbing peter he paid paul, he kept the moon from the wolves, and hoped to catch larks if ever the heavens should fall. he did make of necessity virtue, of such bread such pottage, and cared as little for the peeled as for the shaven. every morning he did cast up his gorge, and his father's little dogs eat out of the dish with him, and he with them. he would bite their ears, and they would scratch his nose--he would blow in their arses, and they would lick his chaps. but hearken, good fellows, the spigot ill betake you, and whirl round your brains, if you do not give ear! this little lecher was always groping his nurses and governesses, upside down, arsiversy, topsyturvy, harri bourriquet, with a yacco haick, hyck gio! handling them very rudely in jumbling and tumbling them to keep them going; for he had already begun to exercise the tools, and put his codpiece in practice. which codpiece, or braguette, his governesses did every day deck up and adorn with fair nosegays, curious rubies, sweet flowers, and fine silken tufts, and very pleasantly would pass their time in taking you know what between their fingers, and dandling it, till it did revive and creep up to the bulk and stiffness of a suppository, or street magdaleon, which is a hard rolled-up salve spread upon leather. then did they burst out in laughing, when they saw it lift up its ears, as if the sport had liked them. one of them would call it her little dille, her staff of love, her quillety, her faucetin, her dandilolly. another, her peen, her jolly kyle, her bableret, her membretoon, her quickset imp: another again, her branch of coral, her female adamant, her placket-racket, her cyprian sceptre, her jewel for ladies. and some of the other women would give it these names,--my bunguetee, my stopple too, my bush-rusher, my gallant wimble, my pretty borer, my coney-burrow-ferret, my little piercer, my augretine, my dangling hangers, down right to it, stiff and stout, in and to, my pusher, dresser, pouting stick, my honey pipe, my pretty pillicock, linky pinky, futilletie, my lusty andouille, and crimson chitterling, my little couille bredouille, my pretty rogue, and so forth. it belongs to me, said one. it is mine, said the other. what, quoth a third, shall i have no share in it? by my faith, i will cut it then. ha, to cut it, said the other, would hurt him. madam, do you cut little children's things? were his cut off, he would be then monsieur sans queue, the curtailed master. and that he might play and sport himself after the manner of the other little children of the country, they made him a fair weather whirl-jack of the wings of the windmill of myrebalais. chapter 1.xii. of gargantua's wooden horses. [illustration: led them up the great staircase--1-12-028] afterwards, that he might be all his lifetime a good rider, they made to him a fair great horse of wood, which he did make leap, curvet, jerk out behind, and skip forward, all at a time: to pace, trot, rack, gallop, amble, to play the hobby, the hackney-gelding: go the gait of the camel, and of the wild ass. he made him also change his colour of hair, as the monks of coultibo (according to the variety of their holidays) use to do their clothes, from bay brown, to sorrel, dapple-grey, mouse-dun, deer-colour, roan, cow-colour, gingioline, skewed colour, piebald, and the colour of the savage elk. himself of a huge big post made a hunting nag, and another for daily service of the beam of a vinepress: and of a great oak made up a mule, with a footcloth, for his chamber. besides this, he had ten or twelve spare horses, and seven horses for post; and all these were lodged in his own chamber, close by his bedside. one day the lord of breadinbag (painensac.) came to visit his father in great bravery, and with a gallant train: and, at the same time, to see him came likewise the duke of freemeal (francrepas.) and the earl of wetgullet (mouillevent.). the house truly for so many guests at once was somewhat narrow, but especially the stables; whereupon the steward and harbinger of the said lord breadinbag, to know if there were any other empty stable in the house, came to gargantua, a little young lad, and secretly asked him where the stables of the great horses were, thinking that children would be ready to tell all. then he led them up along the stairs of the castle, passing by the second hall unto a broad great gallery, by which they entered into a large tower, and as they were going up at another pair of stairs, said the harbinger to the steward, this child deceives us, for the stables are never on the top of the house. you may be mistaken, said the steward, for i know some places at lyons, at the basmette, at chaisnon, and elsewhere, which have their stables at the very tops of the houses: so it may be that behind the house there is a way to come to this ascent. but i will question with him further. then said he to gargantua, my pretty little boy, whither do you lead us? to the stable, said he, of my great horses. we are almost come to it; we have but these stairs to go up at. then leading them alongst another great hall, he brought them into his chamber, and, opening the door, said unto them, this is the stable you ask for; this is my jennet; this is my gelding; this is my courser, and this is my hackney, and laid on them with a great lever. i will bestow upon you, said he, this friesland horse; i had him from frankfort, yet will i give him you; for he is a pretty little nag, and will go very well, with a tessel of goshawks, half a dozen of spaniels, and a brace of greyhounds: thus are you king of the hares and partridges for all this winter. by st. john, said they, now we are paid, he hath gleeked us to some purpose, bobbed we are now for ever. i deny it, said he,--he was not here above three days. judge you now, whether they had most cause, either to hide their heads for shame, or to laugh at the jest. as they were going down again thus amazed, he asked them, will you have a whimwham (aubeliere.)? what is that, said they? it is, said he, five turds to make you a muzzle. to-day, said the steward, though we happen to be roasted, we shall not be burnt, for we are pretty well quipped and larded, in my opinion. o my jolly dapper boy, thou hast given us a gudgeon; i hope to see thee pope before i die. i think so, said he, myself; and then shall you be a puppy, and this gentle popinjay a perfect papelard, that is, dissembler. well, well, said the harbinger. but, said gargantua, guess how many stitches there are in my mother's smock. sixteen, quoth the harbinger. you do not speak gospel, said gargantua, for there is cent before, and cent behind, and you did not reckon them ill, considering the two under holes. when? said the harbinger. even then, said gargantua, when they made a shovel of your nose to take up a quarter of dirt, and of your throat a funnel, wherewith to put it into another vessel, because the bottom of the old one was out. cocksbod, said the steward, we have met with a prater. farewell, master tattler, god keep you, so goodly are the words which you come out with, and so fresh in your mouth, that it had need to be salted. thus going down in great haste, under the arch of the stairs they let fall the great lever, which he had put upon their backs; whereupon gargantua said, what a devil! you are, it seems, but bad horsemen, that suffer your bilder to fail you when you need him most. if you were to go from hence to cahusac, whether had you rather, ride on a gosling or lead a sow in a leash? i had rather drink, said the harbinger. with this they entered into the lower hall, where the company was, and relating to them this new story, they made them laugh like a swarm of flies. chapter 1.xiii. how gargantua's wonderful understanding became known to his father grangousier, by the invention of a torchecul or wipebreech. about the end of the fifth year, grangousier returning from the conquest of the canarians, went by the way to see his son gargantua. there was he filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of his: and whilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish questions of him about divers matters, and drank very freely with him and with his governesses, of whom in great earnest he asked, amongst other things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet. to this gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he. how is that? said grangousier. i have, answered gargantua, by a long and curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen. what is that? said grangousier, how is it? i will tell you by-and-by, said gargantua. once i did wipe me with a gentle-woman's velvet mask, and found it to be good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament. another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that was comfortable. at another time with a lady's neckerchief, and after that i wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance. now i wish st. antony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made them, and of her that wore them! this hurt i cured by wiping myself with a page's cap, garnished with a feather after the switzers' fashion. afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, i found a march-cat, and with it i wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my perinee. of this i recovered the next morning thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother's gloves, of a most excellent perfume and scent of the arabian benin. after that i wiped me with sage, with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows, wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with spinach leaves. all this did very great good to my leg. then with mercury, with parsley, with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of lombardy, which i healed by wiping me with my braguette. then i wiped my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which i found more pleasure than do the mangy dogs when you rub them. yea, but, said grangousier, which torchecul did you find to be the best? i was coming to it, said gargantua, and by-and-by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and knot of the matter. i wiped myself with hay, with straw, with thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but, who his foul tail with paper wipes, shall at his ballocks leave some chips. what, said grangousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that thou dost rhyme already? yes, yes, my lord the king, answered gargantua, i can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till i become hoarse with rheum. hark, what our privy says to the skiters: shittard, squirtard, crackard, turdous, thy bung hath flung some dung on us: filthard, cackard, stinkard, st. antony's fire seize on thy toane (bone?), if thy dirty dounby thou do not wipe, ere thou be gone. will you have any more of it? yes, yes, answered grangousier. then, said gargantua, a roundelay. in shitting yes'day i did know the sess i to my arse did owe: the smell was such came from that slunk, that i was with it all bestunk: o had but then some brave signor brought her to me i waited for, in shitting! i would have cleft her watergap, and join'd it close to my flipflap, whilst she had with her fingers guarded my foul nockandrow, all bemerded in shitting. now say that i can do nothing! by the merdi, they are not of my making, but i heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever since have retained them in the budget of my memory. let us return to our purpose, said grangousier. what, said gargantua, to skite? no, said grangousier, but to wipe our tail. but, said gargantua, will not you be content to pay a puncheon of breton wine, if i do not blank and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus? yes, truly, said grangousier. there is no need of wiping one's tail, said gargantua, but when it is foul; foul it cannot be, unless one have been a-skiting; skite then we must before we wipe our tails. o my pretty little waggish boy, said grangousier, what an excellent wit thou hast? i will make thee very shortly proceed doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that, by g--, for thou hast more wit than age. now, i prithee, go on in this torcheculative, or wipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard i swear, for one puncheon, thou shalt have threescore pipes, i mean of the good breton wine, not that which grows in britain, but in the good country of verron. afterwards i wiped my bum, said gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow, with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat. of hats, note that some are shorn, and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffeties, and others with satin. the best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter. afterwards i wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure. but, to conclude, i say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. and believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. and think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of master john of scotland, alias scotus. chapter 1.xiv. how gargantua was taught latin by a sophister. the good man grangousier having heard this discourse, was ravished with admiration, considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his son gargantua, and said to his governesses, philip, king of macedon, knew the great wit of his son alexander by his skilful managing of a horse; for his horse bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure to ride him, after that he had given to his riders such devilish falls, breaking the neck of this man, the other man's leg, braining one, and putting another out of his jawbone. this by alexander being considered, one day in the hippodrome (which was a place appointed for the breaking and managing of great horses), he perceived that the fury of the horse proceeded merely from the fear he had of his own shadow, whereupon getting on his back, he run him against the sun, so that the shadow fell behind, and by that means tamed the horse and brought him to his hand. whereby his father, knowing the divine judgment that was in him, caused him most carefully to be instructed by aristotle, who at that time was highly renowned above all the philosophers of greece. after the same manner i tell you, that by this only discourse, which now i have here had before you with my son gargantua, i know that his understanding doth participate of some divinity, and that, if he be well taught, and have that education which is fitting, he will attain to a supreme degree of wisdom. therefore will i commit him to some learned man, to have him indoctrinated according to his capacity, and will spare no cost. presently they appointed him a great sophister-doctor, called master tubal holofernes, who taught him his abc so well, that he could say it by heart backwards; and about this he was five years and three months. then read he to him donat, le facet, theodolet, and alanus in parabolis. about this he was thirteen years, six months, and two weeks. but you must remark that in the mean time he did learn to write in gothic characters, and that he wrote all his books--for the art of printing was not then in use--and did ordinarily carry a great pen and inkhorn, weighing about seven thousand quintals (that is, 700,000 pound weight), the penner whereof was as big and as long as the great pillars of enay, and the horn was hanging to it in great iron chains, it being of the wideness of a tun of merchant ware. after that he read unto him the book de modis significandi, with the commentaries of hurtbise, of fasquin, of tropdieux, of gualhaut, of john calf, of billonio, of berlinguandus, and a rabble of others; and herein he spent more than eighteen years and eleven months, and was so well versed in it that, to try masteries in school disputes with his condisciples, he would recite it by heart backwards, and did sometimes prove on his finger-ends to his mother, quod de modis significandi non erat scientia. then did he read to him the compost for knowing the age of the moon, the seasons of the year, and tides of the sea, on which he spent sixteen years and two months, and that justly at the time that his said preceptor died of the french pox, which was in the year one thousand four hundred and twenty. afterwards he got an old coughing fellow to teach him, named master jobelin bride, or muzzled dolt, who read unto him hugutio, hebrard('s) grecism, the doctrinal, the parts, the quid est, the supplementum, marmotretus, de moribus in mensa servandis, seneca de quatuor virtutibus cardinalibus, passavantus cum commento, and dormi secure for the holidays, and some other of such like mealy stuff, by reading whereof he became as wise as any we ever since baked in an oven. chapter 1.xv. how gargantua was put under other schoolmasters. at the last his father perceived that indeed he studied hard, and that, although he spent all his time in it, he did nevertheless profit nothing, but which is worse, grew thereby foolish, simple, doted, and blockish, whereof making a heavy regret to don philip of marays, viceroy or depute king of papeligosse, he found that it were better for him to learn nothing at all, than to be taught such-like books, under such schoolmasters; because their knowledge was nothing but brutishness, and their wisdom but blunt foppish toys, serving only to bastardize good and noble spirits, and to corrupt all the flower of youth. that it is so, take, said he, any young boy of this time who hath only studied two years,--if he have not a better judgment, a better discourse, and that expressed in better terms than your son, with a completer carriage and civility to all manner of persons, account me for ever hereafter a very clounch and bacon-slicer of brene. this pleased grangousier very well, and he commanded that it should be done. at night at supper, the said des marays brought in a young page of his, of ville-gouges, called eudemon, so neat, so trim, so handsome in his apparel, so spruce, with his hair in so good order, and so sweet and comely in his behaviour, that he had the resemblance of a little angel more than of a human creature. then he said to grangousier, do you see this young boy? he is not as yet full twelve years old. let us try, if it please you, what difference there is betwixt the knowledge of the doting mateologians of old time and the young lads that are now. the trial pleased grangousier, and he commanded the page to begin. then eudemon, asking leave of the vice-king his master so to do, with his cap in his hand, a clear and open countenance, beautiful and ruddy lips, his eyes steady, and his looks fixed upon gargantua with a youthful modesty, standing up straight on his feet, began very gracefully to commend him; first, for his virtue and good manners; secondly, for his knowledge, thirdly, for his nobility; fourthly, for his bodily accomplishments; and, in the fifth place, most sweetly exhorted him to reverence his father with all due observancy, who was so careful to have him well brought up. in the end he prayed him, that he would vouchsafe to admit of him amongst the least of his servants; for other favour at that time desired he none of heaven, but that he might do him some grateful and acceptable service. all this was by him delivered with such proper gestures, such distinct pronunciation, so pleasant a delivery, in such exquisite fine terms, and so good latin, that he seemed rather a gracchus, a cicero, an aemilius of the time past, than a youth of this age. but all the countenance that gargantua kept was, that he fell to crying like a cow, and cast down his face, hiding it with his cap, nor could they possibly draw one word from him, no more than a fart from a dead ass. whereat his father was so grievously vexed that he would have killed master jobelin, but the said des marays withheld him from it by fair persuasions, so that at length he pacified his wrath. then grangousier commanded he should be paid his wages, that they should whittle him up soundly, like a sophister, with good drink, and then give him leave to go to all the devils in hell. at least, said he, today shall it not cost his host much if by chance he should die as drunk as a switzer. master jobelin being gone out of the house, grangousier consulted with the viceroy what schoolmaster they should choose for him, and it was betwixt them resolved that ponocrates, the tutor of eudemon, should have the charge, and that they should go altogether to paris, to know what was the study of the young men of france at that time. chapter 1.xvi. how gargantua was sent to paris, and of the huge great mare that he rode on; how she destroyed the oxflies of the beauce. [illustration: he went to see the city--1-16-036] in the same season fayoles, the fourth king of numidia, sent out of the country of africa to grangousier the most hideously great mare that ever was seen, and of the strangest form, for you know well enough how it is said that africa always is productive of some new thing. she was as big as six elephants, and had her feet cloven into fingers, like julius caesar's horse, with slouch-hanging ears, like the goats in languedoc, and a little horn on her buttock. she was of a burnt sorrel hue, with a little mixture of dapple-grey spots, but above all she had a horrible tail; for it was little more or less than every whit as great as the steeple-pillar of st. mark beside langes: and squared as that is, with tuffs and ennicroches or hair-plaits wrought within one another, no otherwise than as the beards are upon the ears of corn. if you wonder at this, wonder rather at the tails of the scythian rams, which weighed above thirty pounds each; and of the surian sheep, who need, if tenaud say true, a little cart at their heels to bear up their tail, it is so long and heavy. you female lechers in the plain countries have no such tails. and she was brought by sea in three carricks and a brigantine unto the harbour of olone in thalmondois. when grangousier saw her, here is, said he, what is fit to carry my son to paris. so now, in the name of god, all will be well. he will in times coming be a great scholar. if it were not, my masters, for the beasts, we should live like clerks. the next morning--after they had drunk, you must understand--they took their journey; gargantua, his pedagogue ponocrates, and his train, and with them eudemon, the young page. and because the weather was fair and temperate, his father caused to be made for him a pair of dun boots,--babin calls them buskins. thus did they merrily pass their time in travelling on their high way, always making good cheer, and were very pleasant till they came a little above orleans, in which place there was a forest of five-and-thirty leagues long, and seventeen in breadth, or thereabouts. this forest was most horribly fertile and copious in dorflies, hornets, and wasps, so that it was a very purgatory for the poor mares, asses, and horses. but gargantua's mare did avenge herself handsomely of all the outrages therein committed upon beasts of her kind, and that by a trick whereof they had no suspicion. for as soon as ever they were entered into the said forest, and that the wasps had given the assault, she drew out and unsheathed her tail, and therewith skirmishing, did so sweep them that she overthrew all the wood alongst and athwart, here and there, this way and that way, longwise and sidewise, over and under, and felled everywhere the wood with as much ease as a mower doth the grass, in such sort that never since hath there been there neither wood nor dorflies: for all the country was thereby reduced to a plain champaign field. which gargantua took great pleasure to behold, and said to his company no more but this: je trouve beau ce (i find this pretty); whereupon that country hath been ever since that time called beauce. but all the breakfast the mare got that day was but a little yawning and gaping, in memory whereof the gentlemen of beauce do as yet to this day break their fast with gaping, which they find to be very good, and do spit the better for it. at last they came to paris, where gargantua refreshed himself two or three days, making very merry with his folks, and inquiring what men of learning there were then in the city, and what wine they drunk there. chapter 1.xvii. how gargantua paid his welcome to the parisians, and how he took away the great bells of our lady's church. [illustration: gargantua visiting the shops--1-17-038] some few days after that they had refreshed themselves, he went to see the city, and was beheld of everybody there with great admiration; for the people of paris are so sottish, so badot, so foolish and fond by nature, that a juggler, a carrier of indulgences, a sumpter-horse, or mule with cymbals or tinkling bells, a blind fiddler in the middle of a cross lane, shall draw a greater confluence of people together than an evangelical preacher. and they pressed so hard upon him that he was constrained to rest himself upon the towers of our lady's church. at which place, seeing so many about him, he said with a loud voice, i believe that these buzzards will have me to pay them here my welcome hither, and my proficiat. it is but good reason. i will now give them their wine, but it shall be only in sport. then smiling, he untied his fair braguette, and drawing out his mentul into the open air, he so bitterly all-to-bepissed them, that he drowned two hundred and sixty thousand, four hundred and eighteen, besides the women and little children. some, nevertheless, of the company escaped this piss-flood by mere speed of foot, who, when they were at the higher end of the university, sweating, coughing, spitting, and out of breath, they began to swear and curse, some in good hot earnest, and others in jest. carimari, carimara: golynoly, golynolo. by my sweet sanctess, we are washed in sport, a sport truly to laugh at;--in french, par ris, for which that city hath been ever since called paris; whose name formerly was leucotia, as strabo testifieth, lib. quarto, from the greek word leukotes, whiteness,--because of the white thighs of the ladies of that place. and forasmuch as, at this imposition of a new name, all the people that were there swore everyone by the sancts of his parish, the parisians, which are patched up of all nations and all pieces of countries, are by nature both good jurors and good jurists, and somewhat overweening; whereupon joanninus de barrauco, libro de copiositate reverentiarum, thinks that they are called parisians from the greek word parresia, which signifies boldness and liberty in speech. this done, he considered the great bells, which were in the said towers, and made them sound very harmoniously. which whilst he was doing, it came into his mind that they would serve very well for tingling tantans and ringing campanels to hang about his mare's neck when she should be sent back to his father, as he intended to do, loaded with brie cheese and fresh herring. and indeed he forthwith carried them to his lodging. in the meanwhile there came a master beggar of the friars of st. anthony to demand in his canting way the usual benevolence of some hoggish stuff, who, that he might be heard afar off, and to make the bacon he was in quest of shake in the very chimneys, made account to filch them away privily. nevertheless, he left them behind very honestly, not for that they were too hot, but that they were somewhat too heavy for his carriage. this was not he of bourg, for he was too good a friend of mine. all the city was risen up in sedition, they being, as you know, upon any slight occasion, so ready to uproars and insurrections, that foreign nations wonder at the patience of the kings of france, who do not by good justice restrain them from such tumultuous courses, seeing the manifold inconveniences which thence arise from day to day. would to god i knew the shop wherein are forged these divisions and factious combinations, that i might bring them to light in the confraternities of my parish! believe for a truth, that the place wherein the people gathered together, were thus sulphured, hopurymated, moiled, and bepissed, was called nesle, where then was, but now is no more, the oracle of leucotia. there was the case proposed, and the inconvenience showed of the transporting of the bells. after they had well ergoted pro and con, they concluded in baralipton, that they should send the oldest and most sufficient of the faculty unto gargantua, to signify unto him the great and horrible prejudice they sustain by the want of those bells. and notwithstanding the good reasons given in by some of the university why this charge was fitter for an orator than a sophister, there was chosen for this purpose our master janotus de bragmardo. chapter 1.xviii. how janotus de bragmardo was sent to gargantua to recover the great bells. master janotus, with his hair cut round like a dish a la caesarine, in his most antique accoutrement liripipionated with a graduate's hood, and having sufficiently antidoted his stomach with oven-marmalades, that is, bread and holy water of the cellar, transported himself to the lodging of gargantua, driving before him three red-muzzled beadles, and dragging after him five or six artless masters, all thoroughly bedaggled with the mire of the streets. at their entry ponocrates met them, who was afraid, seeing them so disguised, and thought they had been some masquers out of their wits, which moved him to inquire of one of the said artless masters of the company what this mummery meant. it was answered him, that they desired to have their bells restored to them. as soon as ponocrates heard that, he ran in all haste to carry the news unto gargantua, that he might be ready to answer them, and speedily resolve what was to be done. gargantua being advertised hereof, called apart his schoolmaster ponocrates, philotimus, steward of his house, gymnastes, his esquire, and eudemon, and very summarily conferred with them, both of what he should do and what answer he should give. they were all of opinion that they should bring them unto the goblet-office, which is the buttery, and there make them drink like roysters and line their jackets soundly. and that this cougher might not be puffed up with vain-glory by thinking the bells were restored at his request, they sent, whilst he was chopining and plying the pot, for the mayor of the city, the rector of the faculty, and the vicar of the church, unto whom they resolved to deliver the bells before the sophister had propounded his commission. after that, in their hearing, he should pronounce his gallant oration, which was done; and they being come, the sophister was brought in full hall, and began as followeth, in coughing. chapter 1.xix. the oration of master janotus de bragmardo for recovery of the bells. hem, hem, gud-day, sirs, gud-day. et vobis, my masters. it were but reason that you should restore to us our bells; for we have great need of them. hem, hem, aihfuhash. we have oftentimes heretofore refused good money for them of those of london in cahors, yea and those of bourdeaux in brie, who would have bought them for the substantific quality of the elementary complexion, which is intronificated in the terrestreity of their quidditative nature, to extraneize the blasting mists and whirlwinds upon our vines, indeed not ours, but these round about us. for if we lose the piot and liquor of the grape, we lose all, both sense and law. if you restore them unto us at my request, i shall gain by it six basketfuls of sausages and a fine pair of breeches, which will do my legs a great deal of good, or else they will not keep their promise to me. ho by gob, domine, a pair of breeches is good, et vir sapiens non abhorrebit eam. ha, ha, a pair of breeches is not so easily got; i have experience of it myself. consider, domine, i have been these eighteen days in matagrabolizing this brave speech. reddite quae sunt caesaris, caesari, et quae sunt dei, deo. ibi jacet lepus. by my faith, domine, if you will sup with me in cameris, by cox body, charitatis, nos faciemus bonum cherubin. ego occiditunum porcum, et ego habet bonum vino: but of good wine we cannot make bad latin. well, de parte dei date nobis bellas nostras. hold, i give you in the name of the faculty a sermones de utino, that utinam you would give us our bells. vultis etiam pardonos? per diem vos habebitis, et nihil payabitis. o, sir, domine, bellagivaminor nobis; verily, est bonum vobis. they are useful to everybody. if they fit your mare well, so do they do our faculty; quae comparata est jumentis insipientibus, et similis facta est eis, psalmo nescio quo. yet did i quote it in my note-book, et est unum bonum achilles, a good defending argument. hem, hem, hem, haikhash! for i prove unto you, that you should give me them. ego sic argumentor. omnis bella bellabilis in bellerio bellando, bellans, bellativo, bellare facit, bellabiliter bellantes. parisius habet bellas. ergo gluc, ha, ha, ha. this is spoken to some purpose. it is in tertio primae, in darii, or elsewhere. by my soul, i have seen the time that i could play the devil in arguing, but now i am much failed, and henceforward want nothing but a cup of good wine, a good bed, my back to the fire, my belly to the table, and a good deep dish. hei, domine, i beseech you, in nomine patris, filii, et spiritus sancti, amen, to restore unto us our bells: and god keep you from evil, and our lady from health, qui vivit et regnat per omnia secula seculorum, amen. hem, hashchehhawksash, qzrchremhemhash. verum enim vero, quandoquidem, dubio procul. edepol, quoniam, ita certe, medius fidius; a town without bells is like a blind man without a staff, an ass without a crupper, and a cow without cymbals. therefore be assured, until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after you, like a blind man that hath lost his staff, braying like an ass without a crupper, and making a noise like a cow without cymbals. a certain latinisator, dwelling near the hospital, said since, producing the authority of one taponnus,--i lie, it was one pontanus the secular poet, --who wished those bells had been made of feathers, and the clapper of a foxtail, to the end they might have begot a chronicle in the bowels of his brain, when he was about the composing of his carminiformal lines. but nac petetin petetac, tic, torche lorgne, or rot kipipur kipipot put pantse malf, he was declared an heretic. we make them as of wax. and no more saith the deponent. valete et plaudite. calepinus recensui. chapter 1.xx. how the sophister carried away his cloth, and how he had a suit in law against the other masters. the sophister had no sooner ended, but ponocrates and eudemon burst out in a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split with it, and given up the ghost, in rendering their souls to god: even just as crassus did, seeing a lubberly ass eat thistles; and as philemon, who, for seeing an ass eat those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force of laughing. together with them master janotus fell a-laughing too as fast as he could, in which mood of laughing they continued so long, that their eyes did water by the vehement concussion of the substance of the brain, by which these lachrymal humidities, being pressed out, glided through the optic nerves, and so to the full represented democritus heraclitizing and heraclitus democritizing. when they had done laughing, gargantua consulted with the prime of his retinue what should be done. there ponocrates was of opinion that they should make this fair orator drink again; and seeing he had showed them more pastime, and made them laugh more than a natural soul could have done, that they should give him ten baskets full of sausages, mentioned in his pleasant speech, with a pair of hose, three hundred great billets of logwood, five-and-twenty hogsheads of wine, a good large down-bed, and a deep capacious dish, which he said were necessary for his old age. all this was done as they did appoint: only gargantua, doubting that they could not quickly find out breeches fit for his wearing, because he knew not what fashion would best become the said orator, whether the martingale fashion of breeches, wherein is a spunghole with a drawbridge for the more easy caguing: or the fashion of the mariners, for the greater solace and comfort of his kidneys: or that of the switzers, which keeps warm the bedondaine or belly-tabret: or round breeches with straight cannions, having in the seat a piece like a cod's tail, for fear of over-heating his reins:--all which considered, he caused to be given him seven ells of white cloth for the linings. the wood was carried by the porters, the masters of arts carried the sausages and the dishes, and master janotus himself would carry the cloth. one of the said masters, called jousse bandouille, showed him that it was not seemly nor decent for one of his condition to do so, and that therefore he should deliver it to one of them. ha, said janotus, baudet, baudet, or blockhead, blockhead, thou dost not conclude in modo et figura. for lo, to this end serve the suppositions and parva logicalia. pannus, pro quo supponit? confuse, said bandouille, et distributive. i do not ask thee, said janotus, blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro quo? it is, blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and therefore i will carry it, egomet, sicut suppositum portat appositum. so did he carry it away very close and covertly, as patelin the buffoon did his cloth. the best was, that when this cougher, in a full act or assembly held at the mathurins, had with great confidence required his breeches and sausages, and that they were flatly denied him, because he had them of gargantua, according to the informations thereupon made, he showed them that this was gratis, and out of his liberality, by which they were not in any sort quit of their promises. notwithstanding this, it was answered him that he should be content with reason, without expectation of any other bribe there. reason? said janotus. we use none of it here. unlucky traitors, you are not worth the hanging. the earth beareth not more arrant villains than you are. i know it well enough; halt not before the lame. i have practised wickedness with you. by god's rattle, i will inform the king of the enormous abuses that are forged here and carried underhand by you, and let me be a leper, if he do not burn you alive like sodomites, traitors, heretics and seducers, enemies to god and virtue. upon these words they framed articles against him: he on the other side warned them to appear. in sum, the process was retained by the court, and is there as yet. hereupon the magisters made a vow never to decrott themselves in rubbing off the dirt of either their shoes or clothes: master janotus with his adherents vowed never to blow or snuff their noses, until judgment were given by a definitive sentence. by these vows do they continue unto this time both dirty and snotty; for the court hath not garbled, sifted, and fully looked into all the pieces as yet. the judgment or decree shall be given out and pronounced at the next greek kalends, that is, never. as you know that they do more than nature, and contrary to their own articles. the articles of paris maintain that to god alone belongs infinity, and nature produceth nothing that is immortal; for she putteth an end and period to all things by her engendered, according to the saying, omnia orta cadunt, &c. but these thick mist-swallowers make the suits in law depending before them both infinite and immortal. in doing whereof, they have given occasion to, and verified the saying of chilo the lacedaemonian, consecrated to the oracle at delphos, that misery is the inseparable companion of law-debates; and that pleaders are miserable; for sooner shall they attain to the end of their lives, than to the final decision of their pretended rights. chapter 1.xxi. the study of gargantua, according to the discipline of his schoolmasters the sophisters. the first day being thus spent, and the bells put up again in their own place, the citizens of paris, in acknowledgment of this courtesy, offered to maintain and feed his mare as long as he pleased, which gargantua took in good part, and they sent her to graze in the forest of biere. i think she is not there now. this done, he with all his heart submitted his study to the discretion of ponocrates; who for the beginning appointed that he should do as he was accustomed, to the end he might understand by what means, in so long time, his old masters had made him so sottish and ignorant. he disposed therefore of his time in such fashion, that ordinarily he did awake betwixt eight and nine o'clock, whether it was day or not, for so had his ancient governors ordained, alleging that which david saith, vanum est vobis ante lucem surgere. then did he tumble and toss, wag his legs, and wallow in the bed some time, the better to stir up and rouse his vital spirits, and apparelled himself according to the season: but willingly he would wear a great long gown of thick frieze, furred with fox-skins. afterwards he combed his head with an almain comb, which is the four fingers and the thumb. for his preceptor said that to comb himself otherwise, to wash and make himself neat, was to lose time in this world. then he dunged, pissed, spewed, belched, cracked, yawned, spitted, coughed, yexed, sneezed and snotted himself like an archdeacon, and, to suppress the dew and bad air, went to breakfast, having some good fried tripes, fair rashers on the coals, excellent gammons of bacon, store of fine minced meat, and a great deal of sippet brewis, made up of the fat of the beef-pot, laid upon bread, cheese, and chopped parsley strewed together. ponocrates showed him that he ought not to eat so soon after rising out of his bed, unless he had performed some exercise beforehand. gargantua answered, what! have not i sufficiently well exercised myself? i have wallowed and rolled myself six or seven turns in my bed before i rose. is not that enough? pope alexander did so, by the advice of a jew his physician, and lived till his dying day in despite of his enemies. my first masters have used me to it, saying that to breakfast made a good memory, and therefore they drank first. i am very well after it, and dine but the better. and master tubal, who was the first licenciate at paris, told me that it was not enough to run apace, but to set forth betimes: so doth not the total welfare of our humanity depend upon perpetual drinking in a ribble rabble, like ducks, but on drinking early in the morning; unde versus, to rise betimes is no good hour, to drink betimes is better sure. after that he had thoroughly broke his fast, he went to church, and they carried to him, in a great basket, a huge impantoufled or thick-covered breviary, weighing, what in grease, clasps, parchment and cover, little more or less than eleven hundred and six pounds. there he heard six-and-twenty or thirty masses. this while, to the same place came his orison-mutterer impaletocked, or lapped up about the chin like a tufted whoop, and his breath pretty well antidoted with store of the vine-tree-syrup. with him he mumbled all his kiriels and dunsical breborions, which he so curiously thumbed and fingered, that there fell not so much as one grain to the ground. as he went from the church, they brought him, upon a dray drawn with oxen, a confused heap of paternosters and aves of st. claude, every one of them being of the bigness of a hat-block; and thus walking through the cloisters, galleries, or garden, he said more in turning them over than sixteen hermits would have done. then did he study some paltry half-hour with his eyes fixed upon his book; but, as the comic saith, his mind was in the kitchen. pissing then a full urinal, he sat down at table; and because he was naturally phlegmatic, he began his meal with some dozens of gammons, dried neat's tongues, hard roes of mullet, called botargos, andouilles or sausages, and such other forerunners of wine. in the meanwhile, four of his folks did cast into his mouth one after another continually mustard by whole shovelfuls. immediately after that, he drank a horrible draught of white wine for the ease of his kidneys. when that was done, he ate according to the season meat agreeable to his appetite, and then left off eating when his belly began to strout, and was like to crack for fulness. as for his drinking, he had in that neither end nor rule. for he was wont to say, that the limits and bounds of drinking were, when the cork of the shoes of him that drinketh swelleth up half a foot high. chapter 1.xxii. the games of gargantua. then blockishly mumbling with a set on countenance a piece of scurvy grace, he washed his hands in fresh wine, picked his teeth with the foot of a hog, and talked jovially with his attendants. then the carpet being spread, they brought plenty of cards, many dice, with great store and abundance of chequers and chessboards. there he played. at flush. at love. at primero. at the chess. at the beast. at reynard the fox. at the rifle. at the squares. at trump. at the cows. at the prick and spare not. at the lottery. at the hundred. at the chance or mumchance. at the peeny. at three dice or maniest bleaks. at the unfortunate woman. at the tables. at the fib. at nivinivinack. at the pass ten. at the lurch. at one-and-thirty. at doublets or queen's game. at post and pair, or even and at the faily. sequence. at the french trictrac. at three hundred. at the long tables or ferkeering. at the unlucky man. at feldown. at the last couple in hell. at tod's body. at the hock. at needs must. at the surly. at the dames or draughts. at the lansquenet. at bob and mow. at the cuckoo. at primus secundus. at puff, or let him speak that at mark-knife. hath it. at the keys. at take nothing and throw out. at span-counter. at the marriage. at even or odd. at the frolic or jackdaw. at cross or pile. at the opinion. at ball and huckle-bones. at who doth the one, doth the at ivory balls. other. at the billiards. at the sequences. at bob and hit. at the ivory bundles. at the owl. at the tarots. at the charming of the hare. at losing load him. at pull yet a little. at he's gulled and esto. at trudgepig. at the torture. at the magatapies. at the handruff. at the horn. at the click. at the flowered or shrovetide ox. at honours. at the madge-owlet. at pinch without laughing. at tilt at weeky. at prickle me tickle me. at ninepins. at the unshoeing of the ass. at the cock quintin. at the cocksess. at tip and hurl. at hari hohi. at the flat bowls. at i set me down. at the veer and turn. at earl beardy. at rogue and ruffian. at the old mode. at bumbatch touch. at draw the spit. at the mysterious trough. at put out. at the short bowls. at gossip lend me your sack. at the dapple-grey. at the ramcod ball. at cock and crank it. at thrust out the harlot. at break-pot. at marseilles figs. at my desire. at nicknamry. at twirly whirlytrill. at stick and hole. at the rush bundles. at boke or him, or flaying the fox. at the short staff. at the branching it. at the whirling gig. at trill madam, or grapple my lady. at hide and seek, or are you all at the cat selling. hid? at blow the coal. at the picket. at the re-wedding. at the blank. at the quick and dead judge. at the pilferers. at unoven the iron. at the caveson. at the false clown. at prison bars. at the flints, or at the nine stones.at have at the nuts. at to the crutch hulch back. at cherry-pit. at the sanct is found. at rub and rice. at hinch, pinch and laugh not. at whiptop. at the leek. at the casting top. at bumdockdousse. at the hobgoblins. at the loose gig. at the o wonderful. at the hoop. at the soily smutchy. at the sow. at fast and loose. at belly to belly. at scutchbreech. at the dales or straths. at the broom-besom. at the twigs. at st. cosme, i come to adore at the quoits. thee. at i'm for that. at the lusty brown boy. at i take you napping. at greedy glutton. at fair and softly passeth lent. at the morris dance. at the forked oak. at feeby. at truss. at the whole frisk and gambol. at the wolf's tail. at battabum, or riding of the at bum to buss, or nose in breech. wild mare. at geordie, give me my lance. at hind the ploughman. at swaggy, waggy or shoggyshou. at the good mawkin. at stook and rook, shear and at the dead beast. threave. at climb the ladder, billy. at the birch. at the dying hog. at the muss. at the salt doup. at the dilly dilly darling. at the pretty pigeon. at ox moudy. at barley break. at purpose in purpose. at the bavine. at nine less. at the bush leap. at blind-man-buff. at crossing. at the fallen bridges. at bo-peep. at bridled nick. at the hardit arsepursy. at the white at butts. at the harrower's nest. at thwack swinge him. at forward hey. at apple, pear, plum. at the fig. at mumgi. at gunshot crack. at the toad. at mustard peel. at cricket. at the gome. at the pounding stick. at the relapse. at jack and the box. at jog breech, or prick him at the queens. forward. at the trades. at knockpate. at heads and points. at the cornish c(h)ough. at the vine-tree hug. at the crane-dance. at black be thy fall. at slash and cut. at ho the distaff. at bobbing, or flirt on the at joan thomson. nose. at the bolting cloth. at the larks. at the oat's seed. at fillipping. after he had thus well played, revelled, past and spent his time, it was thought fit to drink a little, and that was eleven glassfuls the man, and, immediately after making good cheer again, he would stretch himself upon a fair bench, or a good large bed, and there sleep two or three hours together, without thinking or speaking any hurt. after he was awakened he would shake his ears a little. in the mean time they brought him fresh wine. there he drank better than ever. ponocrates showed him that it was an ill diet to drink so after sleeping. it is, answered gargantua, the very life of the patriarchs and holy fathers; for naturally i sleep salt, and my sleep hath been to me in stead of so many gammons of bacon. then began he to study a little, and out came the paternosters or rosary of beads, which the better and more formally to despatch, he got upon an old mule, which had served nine kings, and so mumbling with his mouth, nodding and doddling his head, would go see a coney ferreted or caught in a gin. at his return he went into the kitchen to know what roast meat was on the spit, and what otherwise was to be dressed for supper. and supped very well, upon my conscience, and commonly did invite some of his neighbours that were good drinkers, with whom carousing and drinking merrily, they told stories of all sorts from the old to the new. amongst others he had for domestics the lords of fou, of gourville, of griniot, and of marigny. after supper were brought in upon the place the fair wooden gospels and the books of the four kings, that is to say, many pairs of tables and cards--or the fair flush, one, two, three--or at all, to make short work; or else they went to see the wenches thereabouts, with little small banquets, intermixed with collations and rear-suppers. then did he sleep, without unbridling, until eight o'clock in the next morning. chapter 1.xxiii. how gargantua was instructed by ponocrates, and in such sort disciplinated, that he lost not one hour of the day. [illustration: he did swim in deep waters--1-23-048] when ponocrates knew gargantua's vicious manner of living, he resolved to bring him up in another kind; but for a while he bore with him, considering that nature cannot endure a sudden change, without great violence. therefore, to begin his work the better, he requested a learned physician of that time, called master theodorus, seriously to perpend, if it were possible, how to bring gargantua into a better course. the said physician purged him canonically with anticyrian hellebore, by which medicine he cleansed all the alteration and perverse habitude of his brain. by this means also ponocrates made him forget all that he had learned under his ancient preceptors, as timotheus did to his disciples, who had been instructed under other musicians. to do this the better, they brought him into the company of learned men, which were there, in whose imitation he had a great desire and affection to study otherwise, and to improve his parts. afterwards he put himself into such a road and way of studying, that he lost not any one hour in the day, but employed all his time in learning and honest knowledge. gargantua awaked, then, about four o'clock in the morning. whilst they were in rubbing of him, there was read unto him some chapter of the holy scripture aloud and clearly, with a pronunciation fit for the matter, and hereunto was appointed a young page born in basche, named anagnostes. according to the purpose and argument of that lesson, he oftentimes gave himself to worship, adore, pray, and send up his supplications to that good god, whose word did show his majesty and marvellous judgment. then went he unto the secret places to make excretion of his natural digestions. there his master repeated what had been read, expounding unto him the most obscure and difficult points. in returning, they considered the face of the sky, if it was such as they had observed it the night before, and into what signs the sun was entering, as also the moon for that day. this done, he was apparelled, combed, curled, trimmed, and perfumed, during which time they repeated to him the lessons of the day before. he himself said them by heart, and upon them would ground some practical cases concerning the estate of man, which he would prosecute sometimes two or three hours, but ordinarily they ceased as soon as he was fully clothed. then for three good hours he had a lecture read unto him. this done they went forth, still conferring of the substance of the lecture, either unto a field near the university called the brack, or unto the meadows, where they played at the ball, the long-tennis, and at the piletrigone (which is a play wherein we throw a triangular piece of iron at a ring, to pass it), most gallantly exercising their bodies, as formerly they had done their minds. all their play was but in liberty, for they left off when they pleased, and that was commonly when they did sweat over all their body, or were otherwise weary. then were they very well wiped and rubbed, shifted their shirts, and, walking soberly, went to see if dinner was ready. whilst they stayed for that, they did clearly and eloquently pronounce some sentences that they had retained of the lecture. in the meantime master appetite came, and then very orderly sat they down at table. at the beginning of the meal there was read some pleasant history of the warlike actions of former times, until he had taken a glass of wine. then, if they thought good, they continued reading, or began to discourse merrily together; speaking first of the virtue, propriety, efficacy, and nature of all that was served in at the table; of bread, of wine, of water, of salt, of fleshes, fishes, fruits, herbs, roots, and of their dressing. by means whereof he learned in a little time all the passages competent for this that were to be found in pliny, athenaeus, dioscorides, julius pollux, galen, porphyry, oppian, polybius, heliodore, aristotle, aelian, and others. whilst they talked of these things, many times, to be the more certain, they caused the very books to be brought to the table, and so well and perfectly did he in his memory retain the things above said, that in that time there was not a physician that knew half so much as he did. afterwards they conferred of the lessons read in the morning, and, ending their repast with some conserve or marmalade of quinces, he picked his teeth with mastic tooth-pickers, washed his hands and eyes with fair fresh water, and gave thanks unto god in some fine cantiques, made in praise of the divine bounty and munificence. this done, they brought in cards, not to play, but to learn a thousand pretty tricks and new inventions, which were all grounded upon arithmetic. by this means he fell in love with that numerical science, and every day after dinner and supper he passed his time in it as pleasantly as he was wont to do at cards and dice; so that at last he understood so well both the theory and practical part thereof, that tunstall the englishman, who had written very largely of that purpose, confessed that verily in comparison of him he had no skill at all. and not only in that, but in the other mathematical sciences, as geometry, astronomy, music, &c. for in waiting on the concoction and attending the digestion of his food, they made a thousand pretty instruments and geometrical figures, and did in some measure practise the astronomical canons. after this they recreated themselves with singing musically, in four or five parts, or upon a set theme or ground at random, as it best pleased them. in matter of musical instruments, he learned to play upon the lute, the virginals, the harp, the almain flute with nine holes, the viol, and the sackbut. this hour thus spent, and digestion finished, he did purge his body of natural excrements, then betook himself to his principal study for three hours together, or more, as well to repeat his matutinal lectures as to proceed in the book wherein he was, as also to write handsomely, to draw and form the antique and roman letters. this being done, they went out of their house, and with them a young gentleman of touraine, named the esquire gymnast, who taught him the art of riding. changing then his clothes, he rode a naples courser, a dutch roussin, a spanish jennet, a barded or trapped steed, then a light fleet horse, unto whom he gave a hundred carieres, made him go the high saults, bounding in the air, free the ditch with a skip, leap over a stile or pale, turn short in a ring both to the right and left hand. there he broke not his lance; for it is the greatest foolery in the world to say, i have broken ten lances at tilts or in fight. a carpenter can do even as much. but it is a glorious and praise-worthy action with one lance to break and overthrow ten enemies. therefore, with a sharp, stiff, strong, and well-steeled lance would he usually force up a door, pierce a harness, beat down a tree, carry away the ring, lift up a cuirassier saddle, with the mail-coat and gauntlet. all this he did in complete arms from head to foot. as for the prancing flourishes and smacking popisms for the better cherishing of the horse, commonly used in riding, none did them better than he. the cavallerize of ferrara was but as an ape compared to him. he was singularly skilful in leaping nimbly from one horse to another without putting foot to ground, and these horses were called desultories. he could likewise from either side, with a lance in his hand, leap on horseback without stirrups, and rule the horse at his pleasure without a bridle, for such things are useful in military engagements. another day he exercised the battle-axe, which he so dexterously wielded, both in the nimble, strong, and smooth management of that weapon, and that in all the feats practicable by it, that he passed knight of arms in the field, and at all essays. then tossed he the pike, played with the two-handed sword, with the backsword, with the spanish tuck, the dagger, poniard, armed, unarmed, with a buckler, with a cloak, with a target. then would he hunt the hart, the roebuck, the bear, the fallow deer, the wild boar, the hare, the pheasant, the partridge, and the bustard. he played at the balloon, and made it bound in the air, both with fist and foot. he wrestled, ran, jumped--not at three steps and a leap, called the hops, nor at clochepied, called the hare's leap, nor yet at the almains; for, said gymnast, these jumps are for the wars altogether unprofitable, and of no use--but at one leap he would skip over a ditch, spring over a hedge, mount six paces upon a wall, ramp and grapple after this fashion up against a window of the full height of a lance. he did swim in deep waters on his belly, on his back, sideways, with all his body, with his feet only, with one hand in the air, wherein he held a book, crossing thus the breadth of the river of seine without wetting it, and dragged along his cloak with his teeth, as did julius caesar; then with the help of one hand he entered forcibly into a boat, from whence he cast himself again headlong into the water, sounded the depths, hollowed the rocks, and plunged into the pits and gulfs. then turned he the boat about, governed it, led it swiftly or slowly with the stream and against the stream, stopped it in his course, guided it with one hand, and with the other laid hard about him with a huge great oar, hoisted the sail, hied up along the mast by the shrouds, ran upon the edge of the decks, set the compass in order, tackled the bowlines, and steered the helm. coming out of the water, he ran furiously up against a hill, and with the same alacrity and swiftness ran down again. he climbed up at trees like a cat, and leaped from the one to the other like a squirrel. he did pull down the great boughs and branches like another milo; then with two sharp well-steeled daggers and two tried bodkins would he run up by the wall to the very top of a house like a rat; then suddenly came down from the top to the bottom, with such an even composition of members that by the fall he would catch no harm. he did cast the dart, throw the bar, put the stone, practise the javelin, the boar-spear or partisan, and the halbert. he broke the strongest bows in drawing, bended against his breast the greatest crossbows of steel, took his aim by the eye with the hand-gun, and shot well, traversed and planted the cannon, shot at butt-marks, at the papgay from below upwards, or to a height from above downwards, or to a descent; then before him, sideways, and behind him, like the parthians. they tied a cable-rope to the top of a high tower, by one end whereof hanging near the ground he wrought himself with his hands to the very top; then upon the same track came down so sturdily and firm that you could not on a plain meadow have run with more assurance. they set up a great pole fixed upon two trees. there would he hang by his hands, and with them alone, his feet touching at nothing, would go back and fore along the foresaid rope with so great swiftness that hardly could one overtake him with running; and then, to exercise his breast and lungs, he would shout like all the devils in hell. i heard him once call eudemon from st. victor's gate to montmartre. stentor had never such a voice at the siege of troy. then for the strengthening of his nerves or sinews they made him two great sows of lead, each of them weighing eight thousand and seven hundred quintals, which they called alteres. those he took up from the ground, in each hand one, then lifted them up over his head, and held them so without stirring three quarters of an hour and more, which was an inimitable force. he fought at barriers with the stoutest and most vigorous champions; and when it came to the cope, he stood so sturdily on his feet that he abandoned himself unto the strongest, in case they could remove him from his place, as milo was wont to do of old. in whose imitation, likewise, he held a pomegranate in his hand, to give it unto him that could take it from him. the time being thus bestowed, and himself rubbed, cleansed, wiped, and refreshed with other clothes, he returned fair and softly; and passing through certain meadows, or other grassy places, beheld the trees and plants, comparing them with what is written of them in the books of the ancients, such as theophrast, dioscorides, marinus, pliny, nicander, macer, and galen, and carried home to the house great handfuls of them, whereof a young page called rizotomos had charge; together with little mattocks, pickaxes, grubbing-hooks, cabbies, pruning-knives, and other instruments requisite for herborizing. being come to their lodging, whilst supper was making ready, they repeated certain passages of that which hath been read, and sat down to table. here remark, that his dinner was sober and thrifty, for he did then eat only to prevent the gnawings of his stomach, but his supper was copious and large, for he took then as much as was fit to maintain and nourish him; which, indeed, is the true diet prescribed by the art of good and sound physic, although a rabble of loggerheaded physicians, nuzzeled in the brabbling shop of sophisters, counsel the contrary. during that repast was continued the lesson read at dinner as long as they thought good; the rest was spent in good discourse, learned and profitable. after that they had given thanks, he set himself to sing vocally, and play upon harmonious instruments, or otherwise passed his time at some pretty sports, made with cards or dice, or in practising the feats of legerdemain with cups and balls. there they stayed some nights in frolicking thus, and making themselves merry till it was time to go to bed; and on other nights they would go make visits unto learned men, or to such as had been travellers in strange and remote countries. when it was full night before they retired themselves, they went unto the most open place of the house to see the face of the sky, and there beheld the comets, if any were, as likewise the figures, situations, aspects, oppositions, and conjunctions of both the fixed stars and planets. then with his master did he briefly recapitulate, after the manner of the pythagoreans, that which he had read, seen, learned, done, and understood in the whole course of that day. then prayed they unto god the creator, in falling down before him, and strengthening their faith towards him, and glorifying him for his boundless bounty; and, giving thanks unto him for the time that was past, they recommended themselves to his divine clemency for the future. which being done, they went to bed, and betook themselves to their repose and rest. chapter 1.xxiv. how gargantua spent his time in rainy weather. if it happened that the weather were anything cloudy, foul, and rainy, all the forenoon was employed, as before specified, according to custom, with this difference only, that they had a good clear fire lighted to correct the distempers of the air. but after dinner, instead of their wonted exercitations, they did abide within, and, by way of apotherapy (that is, a making the body healthful by exercise), did recreate themselves in bottling up of hay, in cleaving and sawing of wood, and in threshing sheaves of corn at the barn. then they studied the art of painting or carving; or brought into use the antique play of tables, as leonicus hath written of it, and as our good friend lascaris playeth at it. in playing they examined the passages of ancient authors wherein the said play is mentioned or any metaphor drawn from it. they went likewise to see the drawing of metals, or the casting of great ordnance; how the lapidaries did work; as also the goldsmiths and cutters of precious stones. nor did they omit to visit the alchemists, money-coiners, upholsterers, weavers, velvet-workers, watchmakers, looking-glass framers, printers, organists, and other such kind of artificers, and, everywhere giving them somewhat to drink, did learn and consider the industry and invention of the trades. they went also to hear the public lectures, the solemn commencements, the repetitions, the acclamations, the pleadings of the gentle lawyers, and sermons of evangelical preachers. he went through the halls and places appointed for fencing, and there played against the masters themselves at all weapons, and showed them by experience that he knew as much in it as, yea, more than, they. and, instead of herborizing, they visited the shops of druggists, herbalists, and apothecaries, and diligently considered the fruits, roots, leaves, gums, seeds, the grease and ointments of some foreign parts, as also how they did adulterate them. he went to see the jugglers, tumblers, mountebanks, and quacksalvers, and considered their cunning, their shifts, their somersaults and smooth tongue, especially of those of chauny in picardy, who are naturally great praters, and brave givers of fibs, in matter of green apes. at their return they did eat more soberly at supper than at other times, and meats more desiccative and extenuating; to the end that the intemperate moisture of the air, communicated to the body by a necessary confinitive, might by this means be corrected, and that they might not receive any prejudice for want of their ordinary bodily exercise. thus was gargantua governed, and kept on in this course of education, from day to day profiting, as you may understand such a young man of his age may, of a pregnant judgment, with good discipline well continued. which, although at the beginning it seemed difficult, became a little after so sweet, so easy, and so delightful, that it seemed rather the recreation of a king than the study of a scholar. nevertheless ponocrates, to divert him from this vehement intension of the spirits, thought fit, once in a month, upon some fair and clear day, to go out of the city betimes in the morning, either towards gentilly, or boulogne, or to montrouge, or charanton bridge, or to vanves, or st. clou, and there spend all the day long in making the greatest cheer that could be devised, sporting, making merry, drinking healths, playing, singing, dancing, tumbling in some fair meadow, unnestling of sparrows, taking of quails, and fishing for frogs and crabs. but although that day was passed without books or lecture, yet was it not spent without profit; for in the said meadows they usually repeated certain pleasant verses of virgil's agriculture, of hesiod and of politian's husbandry, would set a-broach some witty latin epigrams, then immediately turned them into roundelays and songs for dancing in the french language. in their feasting they would sometimes separate the water from the wine that was therewith mixed, as cato teacheth, de re rustica, and pliny with an ivy cup would wash the wine in a basinful of water, then take it out again with a funnel as pure as ever. they made the water go from one glass to another, and contrived a thousand little automatory engines, that is to say, moving of themselves. chapter 1.xxv. how there was great strife and debate raised betwixt the cake-bakers of lerne, and those of gargantua's country, whereupon were waged great wars. at that time, which was the season of vintage, in the beginning of harvest, when the country shepherds were set to keep the vines, and hinder the starlings from eating up the grapes, as some cake-bakers of lerne happened to pass along in the broad highway, driving into the city ten or twelve horses loaded with cakes, the said shepherds courteously entreated them to give them some for their money, as the price then ruled in the market. for here it is to be remarked, that it is a celestial food to eat for breakfast hot fresh cakes with grapes, especially the frail clusters, the great red grapes, the muscadine, the verjuice grape, and the laskard, for those that are costive in their belly, because it will make them gush out, and squirt the length of a hunter's staff, like the very tap of a barrel; and oftentimes, thinking to let a squib, they did all-to-besquatter and conskite themselves, whereupon they are commonly called the vintage thinkers. the bun-sellers or cake-makers were in nothing inclinable to their request; but, which was worse, did injure them most outrageously, calling them prattling gabblers, lickorous gluttons, freckled bittors, mangy rascals, shite-a-bed scoundrels, drunken roysters, sly knaves, drowsy loiterers, slapsauce fellows, slabberdegullion druggels, lubberly louts, cozening foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant-varlets, drawlatch hoydens, flouting milksops, jeering companions, staring clowns, forlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scurvy sneaksbies, fondling fops, base loons, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, scoffing braggarts, noddy meacocks, blockish grutnols, doddipol-joltheads, jobbernol goosecaps, foolish loggerheads, flutch calf-lollies, grouthead gnat-snappers, lob-dotterels, gaping changelings, codshead loobies, woodcock slangams, ninny-hammer flycatchers, noddypeak simpletons, turdy gut, shitten shepherds, and other suchlike defamatory epithets; saying further, that it was not for them to eat of these dainty cakes, but might very well content themselves with the coarse unranged bread, or to eat of the great brown household loaf. to which provoking words, one amongst them, called forgier, an honest fellow of his person and a notable springal, made answer very calmly thus: how long is it since you have got horns, that you are become so proud? indeed formerly you were wont to give us some freely, and will you not now let us have any for our money? this is not the part of good neighbours, neither do we serve you thus when you come hither to buy our good corn, whereof you make your cakes and buns. besides that, we would have given you to the bargain some of our grapes, but, by his zounds, you may chance to repent it, and possibly have need of us at another time, when we shall use you after the like manner, and therefore remember it. then marquet, a prime man in the confraternity of the cake-bakers, said unto him, yea, sir, thou art pretty well crest-risen this morning, thou didst eat yesternight too much millet and bolymong. come hither, sirrah, come hither, i will give thee some cakes. whereupon forgier, dreading no harm, in all simplicity went towards him, and drew a sixpence out of his leather satchel, thinking that marquet would have sold him some of his cakes. but, instead of cakes, he gave him with his whip such a rude lash overthwart the legs, that the marks of the whipcord knots were apparent in them, then would have fled away; but forgier cried out as loud as he could, o, murder, murder, help, help, help! and in the meantime threw a great cudgel after him, which he carried under his arm, wherewith he hit him in the coronal joint of his head, upon the crotaphic artery of the right side thereof, so forcibly, that marquet fell down from his mare more like a dead than living man. meanwhile the farmers and country swains, that were watching their walnuts near to that place, came running with their great poles and long staves, and laid such load on these cake-bakers, as if they had been to thresh upon green rye. the other shepherds and shepherdesses, hearing the lamentable shout of forgier, came with their slings and slackies following them, and throwing great stones at them, as thick as if it had been hail. at last they overtook them, and took from them about four or five dozen of their cakes. nevertheless they paid for them the ordinary price, and gave them over and above one hundred eggs and three baskets full of mulberries. then did the cake-bakers help to get up to his mare marquet, who was most shrewdly wounded, and forthwith returned to lerne, changing the resolution they had to go to pareille, threatening very sharp and boisterously the cowherds, shepherds, and farmers of seville and sinays. this done, the shepherds and shepherdesses made merry with these cakes and fine grapes, and sported themselves together at the sound of the pretty small pipe, scoffing and laughing at those vainglorious cake-bakers, who had that day met with a mischief for want of crossing themselves with a good hand in the morning. nor did they forget to apply to forgier's leg some fair great red medicinal grapes, and so handsomely dressed it and bound it up that he was quickly cured. chapter 1.xxvi. how the inhabitants of lerne, by the commandment of picrochole their king, assaulted the shepherds of gargantua unexpectedly and on a sudden. the cake-bakers, being returned to lerne, went presently, before they did either eat or drink, to the capitol, and there before their king, called picrochole, the third of that name, made their complaint, showing their panniers broken, their caps all crumpled, their coats torn, their cakes taken away, but, above all, marquet most enormously wounded, saying that all that mischief was done by the shepherds and herdsmen of grangousier, near the broad highway beyond seville. picrochole incontinent grew angry and furious; and, without asking any further what, how, why, or wherefore, commanded the ban and arriere ban to be sounded throughout all his country, that all his vassals of what condition soever should, upon pain of the halter, come, in the best arms they could, unto the great place before the castle, at the hour of noon, and, the better to strengthen his design, he caused the drum to be beat about the town. himself, whilst his dinner was making ready, went to see his artillery mounted upon the carriage, to display his colours, and set up the great royal standard, and loaded wains with store of ammunition both for the field and the belly, arms and victuals. at dinner he despatched his commissions, and by his express edict my lord shagrag was appointed to command the vanguard, wherein were numbered sixteen thousand and fourteen arquebusiers or firelocks, together with thirty thousand and eleven volunteer adventurers. the great touquedillon, master of the horse, had the charge of the ordnance, wherein were reckoned nine hundred and fourteen brazen pieces, in cannons, double cannons, basilisks, serpentines, culverins, bombards or murderers, falcons, bases or passevolins, spirols, and other sorts of great guns. the rearguard was committed to the duke of scrapegood. in the main battle was the king and the princes of his kingdom. thus being hastily furnished, before they would set forward, they sent three hundred light horsemen, under the conduct of captain swillwind, to discover the country, clear the avenues, and see whether there was any ambush laid for them. but, after they had made diligent search, they found all the land round about in peace and quiet, without any meeting or convention at all; which picrochole understanding, commanded that everyone should march speedily under his colours. then immediately in all disorder, without keeping either rank or file, they took the fields one amongst another, wasting, spoiling, destroying, and making havoc of all wherever they went, not sparing poor nor rich, privileged or unprivileged places, church nor laity, drove away oxen and cows, bulls, calves, heifers, wethers, ewes, lambs, goats, kids, hens, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, goslings, hogs, swine, pigs, and such like; beating down the walnuts, plucking the grapes, tearing the hedges, shaking the fruit-trees, and committing such incomparable abuses, that the like abomination was never heard of. nevertheless, they met with none to resist them, for everyone submitted to their mercy, beseeching them that they might be dealt with courteously in regard that they had always carried themselves as became good and loving neighbours, and that they had never been guilty of any wrong or outrage done upon them, to be thus suddenly surprised, troubled, and disquieted, and that, if they would not desist, god would punish them very shortly. to which expostulations and remonstrances no other answer was made, but that they would teach them to eat cakes. chapter 1.xxvii. how a monk of seville saved the close of the abbey from being ransacked by the enemy. [illustration: the monks knew not--1-27-060] so much they did, and so far they went pillaging and stealing, that at last they came to seville, where they robbed both men and women, and took all they could catch: nothing was either too hot or too heavy for them. although the plague was there in the most part of all the houses, they nevertheless entered everywhere, then plundered and carried away all that was within, and yet for all this not one of them took any hurt, which is a most wonderful case. for the curates, vicars, preachers, physicians, chirurgeons, and apothecaries, who went to visit, to dress, to cure, to heal, to preach unto and admonish those that were sick, were all dead of the infection, and these devilish robbers and murderers caught never any harm at all. whence comes this to pass, my masters? i beseech you think upon it. the town being thus pillaged, they went unto the abbey with a horrible noise and tumult, but they found it shut and made fast against them. whereupon the body of the army marched forward towards a pass or ford called the gue de vede, except seven companies of foot and two hundred lancers, who, staying there, broke down the walls of the close, to waste, spoil, and make havoc of all the vines and vintage within that place. the monks (poor devils) knew not in that extremity to which of all their sancts they should vow themselves. nevertheless, at all adventures they rang the bells ad capitulum capitulantes. there it was decreed that they should make a fair procession, stuffed with good lectures, prayers, and litanies contra hostium insidias, and jolly responses pro pace. there was then in the abbey a claustral monk, called friar john of the funnels and gobbets, in french des entoumeures, young, gallant, frisk, lusty, nimble, quick, active, bold, adventurous, resolute, tall, lean, wide-mouthed, long-nosed, a fair despatcher of morning prayers, unbridler of masses, and runner over of vigils; and, to conclude summarily in a word, a right monk, if ever there was any, since the monking world monked a monkery: for the rest, a clerk even to the teeth in matter of breviary. this monk, hearing the noise that the enemy made within the enclosure of the vineyard, went out to see what they were doing; and perceiving that they were cutting and gathering the grapes, whereon was grounded the foundation of all their next year's wine, returned unto the choir of the church where the other monks were, all amazed and astonished like so many bell-melters. whom when he heard sing, im, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nene, tum, ne, num, num, ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, rum, nenum, num: it is well shit, well sung, said he. by the virtue of god, why do not you sing, panniers, farewell, vintage is done? the devil snatch me, if they be not already within the middle of our close, and cut so well both vines and grapes, that, by cod's body, there will not be found for these four years to come so much as a gleaning in it. by the belly of sanct james, what shall we poor devils drink the while? lord god! da mihi potum. then said the prior of the convent: what should this drunken fellow do here? let him be carried to prison for troubling the divine service. nay, said the monk, the wine service, let us behave ourselves so that it be not troubled; for you yourself, my lord prior, love to drink of the best, and so doth every honest man. never yet did a man of worth dislike good wine, it is a monastical apophthegm. but these responses that you chant here, by g--, are not in season. wherefore is it, that our devotions were instituted to be short in the time of harvest and vintage, and long in the advent, and all the winter? the late friar, massepelosse, of good memory, a true zealous man, or else i give myself to the devil, of our religion, told me, and i remember it well, how the reason was, that in this season we might press and make the wine, and in winter whiff it up. hark you, my masters, you that love the wine, cop's body, follow me; for sanct anthony burn me as freely as a faggot, if they get leave to taste one drop of the liquor that will not now come and fight for relief of the vine. hog's belly, the goods of the church! ha, no, no. what the devil, sanct thomas of england was well content to die for them; if i died in the same cause, should not i be a sanct likewise? yes. yet shall not i die there for all this, for it is i that must do it to others and send them a-packing. as he spake this he threw off his great monk's habit, and laid hold upon the staff of the cross, which was made of the heart of a sorbapple-tree, it being of the length of a lance, round, of a full grip, and a little powdered with lilies called flower de luce, the workmanship whereof was almost all defaced and worn out. thus went he out in a fair long-skirted jacket, putting his frock scarfwise athwart his breast, and in this equipage, with his staff, shaft or truncheon of the cross, laid on so lustily, brisk, and fiercely upon his enemies, who, without any order, or ensign, or trumpet, or drum, were busied in gathering the grapes of the vineyard. for the cornets, guidons, and ensign-bearers had laid down their standards, banners, and colours by the wall sides: the drummers had knocked out the heads of their drums on one end to fill them with grapes: the trumpeters were loaded with great bundles of bunches and huge knots of clusters: in sum, everyone of them was out of array, and all in disorder. he hurried, therefore, upon them so rudely, without crying gare or beware, that he overthrew them like hogs, tumbled them over like swine, striking athwart and alongst, and by one means or other laid so about him, after the old fashion of fencing, that to some he beat out their brains, to others he crushed their arms, battered their legs, and bethwacked their sides till their ribs cracked with it. to others again he unjointed the spondyles or knuckles of the neck, disfigured their chaps, gashed their faces, made their cheeks hang flapping on their chin, and so swinged and balammed them that they fell down before him like hay before a mower. to some others he spoiled the frame of their kidneys, marred their backs, broke their thigh-bones, pashed in their noses, poached out their eyes, cleft their mandibles, tore their jaws, dung in their teeth into their throat, shook asunder their omoplates or shoulder-blades, sphacelated their shins, mortified their shanks, inflamed their ankles, heaved off of the hinges their ishies, their sciatica or hip-gout, dislocated the joints of their knees, squattered into pieces the boughts or pestles of their thighs, and so thumped, mauled and belaboured them everywhere, that never was corn so thick and threefold threshed upon by ploughmen's flails as were the pitifully disjointed members of their mangled bodies under the merciless baton of the cross. if any offered to hide himself amongst the thickest of the vines, he laid him squat as a flounder, bruised the ridge of his back, and dashed his reins like a dog. if any thought by flight to escape, he made his head to fly in pieces by the lamboidal commissure, which is a seam in the hinder part of the skull. if anyone did scramble up into a tree, thinking there to be safe, he rent up his perinee, and impaled him in at the fundament. if any of his old acquaintance happened to cry out, ha, friar john, my friend friar john, quarter, quarter, i yield myself to you, to you i render myself! so thou shalt, said he, and must, whether thou wouldst or no, and withal render and yield up thy soul to all the devils in hell; then suddenly gave them dronos, that is, so many knocks, thumps, raps, dints, thwacks, and bangs, as sufficed to warn pluto of their coming and despatch them a-going. if any was so rash and full of temerity as to resist him to his face, then was it he did show the strength of his muscles, for without more ado he did transpierce him, by running him in at the breast, through the mediastine and the heart. others, again, he so quashed and bebumped, that, with a sound bounce under the hollow of their short ribs, he overturned their stomachs so that they died immediately. to some, with a smart souse on the epigaster, he would make their midriff swag, then, redoubling the blow, gave them such a homepush on the navel that he made their puddings to gush out. to others through their ballocks he pierced their bumgut, and left not bowel, tripe, nor entrail in their body that had not felt the impetuosity, fierceness, and fury of his violence. believe, that it was the most horrible spectacle that ever one saw. some cried unto sanct barbe, others to st. george. o the holy lady nytouch, said one, the good sanctess; o our lady of succours, said another, help, help! others cried, our lady of cunaut, of loretto, of good tidings, on the other side of the water st. mary over. some vowed a pilgrimage to st. james, and others to the holy handkerchief at chamberry, which three months after that burnt so well in the fire that they could not get one thread of it saved. others sent up their vows to st. cadouin, others to st. john d'angely, and to st. eutropius of xaintes. others again invoked st. mesmes of chinon, st. martin of candes, st. clouaud of sinays, the holy relics of laurezay, with a thousand other jolly little sancts and santrels. some died without speaking, others spoke without dying; some died in speaking, others spoke in dying. others shouted as loud as they could confession, confession, confiteor, miserere, in manus! so great was the cry of the wounded, that the prior of the abbey with all his monks came forth, who, when they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the vines, and wounded to death, confessed some of them. but whilst the priests were busied in confessing them, the little monkies ran all to the place where friar john was, and asked him wherein he would be pleased to require their assistance. to which he answered that they should cut the throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground. they presently, leaving their outer habits and cowls upon the rails, began to throttle and make an end of those whom he had already crushed. can you tell with what instruments they did it? with fair gullies, which are little hulchbacked demi-knives, the iron tool whereof is two inches long, and the wooden handle one inch thick, and three inches in length, wherewith the little boys in our country cut ripe walnuts in two while they are yet in the shell, and pick out the kernel, and they found them very fit for the expediting of that weasand-slitting exploit. in the meantime friar john, with his formidable baton of the cross, got to the breach which the enemies had made, and there stood to snatch up those that endeavoured to escape. some of the monkitos carried the standards, banners, ensigns, guidons, and colours into their cells and chambers to make garters of them. but when those that had been shriven would have gone out at the gap of the said breach, the sturdy monk quashed and felled them down with blows, saying, these men have had confession and are penitent souls; they have got their absolution and gained the pardons; they go into paradise as straight as a sickle, or as the way is to faye (like crooked-lane at eastcheap). thus by his prowess and valour were discomfited all those of the army that entered into the close of the abbey, unto the number of thirteen thousand, six hundred, twenty and two, besides the women and little children, which is always to be understood. never did maugis the hermit bear himself more valiantly with his bourdon or pilgrim's staff against the saracens, of whom is written in the acts of the four sons of aymon, than did this monk against his enemies with the staff of the cross. chapter 1.xxviii. how picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock clermond, and of grangousier's unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war. whilst the monk did thus skirmish, as we have said, against those which were entered within the close, picrochole in great haste passed the ford of vede--a very especial pass--with all his soldiers, and set upon the rock clermond, where there was made him no resistance at all; and, because it was already night, he resolved to quarter himself and his army in that town, and to refresh himself of his pugnative choler. in the morning he stormed and took the bulwarks and castle, which afterwards he fortified with rampiers, and furnished with all ammunition requisite, intending to make his retreat there, if he should happen to be otherwise worsted; for it was a strong place, both by art and nature, in regard of the stance and situation of it. but let us leave them there, and return to our good gargantua, who is at paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good letters and athletical exercitations, and to the good old man grangousier his father, who after supper warmeth his ballocks by a good, clear, great fire, and, waiting upon the broiling of some chestnuts, is very serious in drawing scratches on the hearth, with a stick burnt at the one end, wherewith they did stir up the fire, telling to his wife and the rest of the family pleasant old stories and tales of former times. whilst he was thus employed, one of the shepherds which did keep the vines, named pillot, came towards him, and to the full related the enormous abuses which were committed, and the excessive spoil that was made by picrochole, king of lerne, upon his lands and territories, and how he had pillaged, wasted, and ransacked all the country, except the enclosure at seville, which friar john des entoumeures to his great honour had preserved; and that at the same present time the said king was in the rock clermond, and there, with great industry and circumspection, was strengthening himself and his whole army. halas, halas, alas! said grangousier, what is this, good people? do i dream, or is it true that they tell me? picrochole, my ancient friend of old time, of my own kindred and alliance, comes he to invade me? what moves him? what provokes him? what sets him on? what drives him to it? who hath given him this counsel? ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my god, my saviour, help me, inspire me, and advise me what i shall do! i protest, i swear before thee, so be thou favourable to me, if ever i did him or his subjects any damage or displeasure, or committed any the least robbery in his country; but, on the contrary, i have succoured and supplied him with men, money, friendship, and counsel, upon any occasion wherein i could be steadable for the improvement of his good. that he hath therefore at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me, it cannot be but by the malevolent and wicked spirit. good god, thou knowest my courage, for nothing can be hidden from thee. if perhaps he be grown mad, and that thou hast sent him hither to me for the better recovery and re-establishment of his brain, grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy will by good discipline. ho, ho, ho, ho, my good people, my friends and my faithful servants, must i hinder you from helping me? alas, my old age required hence-forward nothing else but rest, and all the days of my life i have laboured for nothing so much as peace; but now i must, i see it well, load with arms my poor, weary, and feeble shoulders, and take in my trembling hand the lance and horseman's mace, to succour and protect my honest subjects. reason will have it so; for by their labour am i entertained, and with their sweat am i nourished, i, my children and my family. this notwithstanding, i will not undertake war, until i have first tried all the ways and means of peace: that i resolve upon. then assembled he his council, and proposed the matter as it was indeed. whereupon it was concluded that they should send some discreet man unto picrochole, to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the peace and invaded those lands unto which he had no right nor title. furthermore, that they should send for gargantua, and those under his command, for the preservation of the country, and defence thereof now at need. all this pleased grangousier very well, and he commanded that so it should be done. presently therefore he sent the basque his lackey to fetch gargantua with all diligence, and wrote him as followeth. chapter 1.xxix. the tenour of the letter which grangousier wrote to his son gargantua. the fervency of thy studies did require that i should not in a long time recall thee from that philosophical rest thou now enjoyest, if the confidence reposed in our friends and ancient confederates had not at this present disappointed the assurance of my old age. but seeing such is my fatal destiny, that i should be now disquieted by those in whom i trusted most, i am forced to call thee back to help the people and goods which by the right of nature belong unto thee. for even as arms are weak abroad, if there be not counsel at home, so is that study vain and counsel unprofitable which in a due and convenient time is not by virtue executed and put in effect. my deliberation is not to provoke, but to appease--not to assault, but to defend--not to conquer, but to preserve my faithful subjects and hereditary dominions, into which picrochole is entered in a hostile manner without any ground or cause, and from day to day pursueth his furious enterprise with that height of insolence that is intolerable to freeborn spirits. i have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical choler, offering him all that which i thought might give him satisfaction; and oftentimes have i sent lovingly unto him to understand wherein, by whom, and how he found himself to be wronged. but of him could i obtain no other answer but a mere defiance, and that in my lands he did pretend only to the right of a civil correspondency and good behaviour, whereby i knew that the eternal god hath left him to the disposure of his own free will and sensual appetite--which cannot choose but be wicked, if by divine grace it be not continually guided--and to contain him within his duty, and bring him to know himself, hath sent him hither to me by a grievous token. therefore, my beloved son, as soon as thou canst, upon sight of these letters, repair hither with all diligence, to succour not me so much, which nevertheless by natural piety thou oughtest to do, as thine own people, which by reason thou mayest save and preserve. the exploit shall be done with as little effusion of blood as may be. and, if possible, by means far more expedient, such as military policy, devices, and stratagems of war, we shall save all the souls, and send them home as merry as crickets unto their own houses. my dearest son, the peace of jesus christ our redeemer be with thee. salute from me ponocrates, gymnastes, and eudemon. the twentieth of september. thy father grangousier. chapter 1.xxx. how ulric gallet was sent unto picrochole. the letters being dictated, signed, and sealed, grangousier ordained that ulric gallet, master of the requests, a very wise and discreet man, of whose prudence and sound judgment he had made trial in several difficult and debateful matters, (should) go unto picrochole, to show what had been decreed amongst them. at the same hour departed the good man gallet, and having passed the ford, asked at the miller that dwelt there in what condition picrochole was: who answered him that his soldiers had left him neither cock nor hen, that they were retired and shut up into the rock clermond, and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of the scouts, because they were enormously furious. which he easily believed, and therefore lodged that night with the miller. the next morning he went with a trumpeter to the gate of the castle, and required the guards he might be admitted to speak with the king of somewhat that concerned him. these words being told unto the king, he would by no means consent that they should open the gate; but, getting upon the top of the bulwark, said unto the ambassador, what is the news, what have you to say? then the ambassador began to speak as followeth. chapter 1.xxxi. the speech made by gallet to picrochole. there cannot arise amongst men a juster cause of grief than when they receive hurt and damage where they may justly expect for favour and good will; and not without cause, though without reason, have many, after they had fallen into such a calamitous accident, esteemed this indignity less supportable than the loss of their own lives, in such sort that, if they have not been able by force of arms nor any other means, by reach of wit or subtlety, to stop them in their course and restrain their fury, they have fallen into desperation, and utterly deprived themselves of this light. it is therefore no wonder if king grangousier, my master, be full of high displeasure and much disquieted in mind upon thy outrageous and hostile coming; but truly it would be a marvel if he were not sensible of and moved with the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and thine upon those of his country, towards whom there hath been no example of inhumanity omitted. which in itself is to him so grievous, for the cordial affection wherewith he hath always cherished his subjects, that more it cannot be to any mortal man; yet in this, above human apprehension, is it to him the more grievous that these wrongs and sad offences have been committed by thee and thine, who, time out of mind, from all antiquity, thou and thy predecessors have been in a continual league and amity with him and all his ancestors; which, even until this time, you have as sacred together inviolably preserved, kept, and entertained, so well, that not he and his only, but the very barbarous nations of the poictevins, bretons, manceaux, and those that dwell beyond the isles of the canaries, and that of isabella, have thought it as easy to pull down the firmament, and to set up the depths above the clouds, as to make a breach in your alliance; and have been so afraid of it in their enterprises that they have never dared to provoke, incense, or endamage the one for fear of the other. nay, which is more, this sacred league hath so filled the world, that there are few nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the continent and isles of the ocean, who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it, upon your own covenants and conditions, holding your joint confederacy in as high esteem as their own territories and dominions, in such sort, that from the memory of man there hath not been either prince or league so wild and proud that durst have offered to invade, i say not your countries, but not so much as those of your confederates. and if, by rash and heady counsel, they have attempted any new design against them, as soon as they heard the name and title of your alliance, they have suddenly desisted from their enterprises. what rage and madness, therefore, doth now incite thee, all old alliance infringed, all amity trod under foot, and all right violated, thus in a hostile manner to invade his country, without having been by him or his in anything prejudiced, wronged, or provoked? where is faith? where is law? where is reason? where is humanity? where is the fear of god? dost thou think that these atrocious abuses are hidden from the eternal spirit and the supreme god who is the just rewarder of all our undertakings? if thou so think, thou deceivest thyself; for all things shall come to pass as in his incomprehensible judgment he hath appointed. is it thy fatal destiny, or influences of the stars, that would put an end to thy so long enjoyed ease and rest? for that all things have their end and period, so as that, when they are come to the superlative point of their greatest height, they are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being able to abide long in that state. this is the conclusion and end of those who cannot by reason and temperance moderate their fortunes and prosperities. but if it be predestinated that thy happiness and ease must now come to an end, must it needs be by wronging my king,--him by whom thou wert established? if thy house must come to ruin, should it therefore in its fall crush the heels of him that set it up? the matter is so unreasonable, and so dissonant from common sense, that hardly can it be conceived by human understanding, and altogether incredible unto strangers, till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent that nothing is either sacred or holy to those who, having emancipated themselves from god and reason, do merely follow the perverse affections of their own depraved nature. if any wrong had been done by us to thy subjects and dominions--if we had favoured thy ill-willers--if we had not assisted thee in thy need--if thy name and reputation had been wounded by us--or, to speak more truly, if the calumniating spirit, tempting to induce thee to evil, had, by false illusions and deceitful fantasies, put into thy conceit the impression of a thought that we had done unto thee anything unworthy of our ancient correspondence and friendship, thou oughtest first to have inquired out the truth, and afterwards by a seasonable warning to admonish us thereof; and we should have so satisfied thee, according to thine own heart's desire, that thou shouldst have had occasion to be contented. but, o eternal god, what is thy enterprise? wouldst thou, like a perfidious tyrant, thus spoil and lay waste my master's kingdom? hast thou found him so silly and blockish, that he would not--or so destitute of men and money, of counsel and skill in military discipline, that he cannot withstand thy unjust invasion? march hence presently, and to-morrow, some time of the day, retreat unto thine own country, without doing any kind of violence or disorderly act by the way; and pay withal a thousand besans of gold (which, in english money, amounteth to five thousand pounds), for reparation of the damages thou hast done in this country. half thou shalt pay to-morrow, and the other half at the ides of may next coming, leaving with us in the mean time, for hostages, the dukes of turnbank, lowbuttock, and smalltrash, together with the prince of itches and viscount of snatchbit (tournemoule, bas-de-fesses, menuail, gratelles, morpiaille.). chapter 1.xxxii. how grangousier, to buy peace, caused the cakes to be restored. with that the good man gallet held his peace, but picrochole to all his discourse answered nothing but come and fetch them, come and fetch them, --they have ballocks fair and soft,--they will knead and provide some cakes for you. then returned he to grangousier, whom he found upon his knees bareheaded, crouching in a little corner of his cabinet, and humbly praying unto god that he would vouchsafe to assuage the choler of picrochole, and bring him to the rule of reason without proceeding by force. when the good man came back, he asked him, ha, my friend, what news do you bring me? there is neither hope nor remedy, said gallet; the man is quite out of his wits, and forsaken of god. yea, but, said grangousier, my friend, what cause doth he pretend for his outrages? he did not show me any cause at all, said gallet, only that in a great anger he spoke some words of cakes. i cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his cake-bakers. i will know, said grangousier, the matter thoroughly, before i resolve any more upon what is to be done. then sent he to learn concerning that business, and found by true information that his men had taken violently some cakes from picrochole's people, and that marquet's head was broken with a slacky or short cudgel; that, nevertheless, all was well paid, and that the said marquet had first hurt forgier with a stroke of his whip athwart the legs. and it seemed good to his whole council, that he should defend himself with all his might. notwithstanding all this, said grangousier, seeing the question is but about a few cakes, i will labour to content him; for i am very unwilling to wage war against him. he inquired then what quantity of cakes they had taken away, and understanding that it was but some four or five dozen, he commanded five cartloads of them to be baked that same night; and that there should be one full of cakes made with fine butter, fine yolks of eggs, fine saffron, and fine spice, to be bestowed upon marquet, unto whom likewise he directed to be given seven hundred thousand and three philips (that is, at three shillings the piece, one hundred five thousand pounds and nine shillings of english money), for reparation of his losses and hindrances, and for satisfaction of the chirurgeon that had dressed his wound; and furthermore settled upon him and his for ever in freehold the apple-orchard called la pomardiere. for the conveyance and passing of all which was sent gallet, who by the way as they went made them gather near the willow-trees great store of boughs, canes, and reeds, wherewith all the carriers were enjoined to garnish and deck their carts, and each of them to carry one in his hand, as himself likewise did, thereby to give all men to understand that they demanded but peace, and that they came to buy it. being come to the gate, they required to speak with picrochole from grangousier. picrochole would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak with them, but sent them word that he was busy, and that they should deliver their mind to captain touquedillon, who was then planting a piece of ordnance upon the wall. then said the good man unto him, my lord, to ease you of all this labour, and to take away all excuses why you may not return unto our former alliance, we do here presently restore unto you the cakes upon which the quarrel arose. five dozen did our people take away: they were well paid for: we love peace so well that we restore unto you five cartloads, of which this cart shall be for marquet, who doth most complain. besides, to content him entirely, here are seven hundred thousand and three philips, which i deliver to him, and, for the losses he may pretend to have sustained, i resign for ever the farm of the pomardiere, to be possessed in fee-simple by him and his for ever, without the payment of any duty, or acknowledgement of homage, fealty, fine, or service whatsoever, and here is the tenour of the deed. and, for god's sake, let us live henceforward in peace, and withdraw yourselves merrily into your own country from within this place, unto which you have no right at all, as yourselves must needs confess, and let us be good friends as before. touquedillon related all this to picrochole, and more and more exasperated his courage, saying to him, these clowns are afraid to some purpose. by g--, grangousier conskites himself for fear, the poor drinker. he is not skilled in warfare, nor hath he any stomach for it. he knows better how to empty the flagons,--that is his art. i am of opinion that it is fit we send back the carts and the money, and, for the rest, that very speedily we fortify ourselves here, then prosecute our fortune. but what! do they think to have to do with a ninnywhoop, to feed you thus with cakes? you may see what it is. the good usage and great familiarity which you have had with them heretofore hath made you contemptible in their eyes. anoint a villain, he will prick you: prick a villain, and he will anoint you (ungentem pungit, pungentem rusticus ungit.). sa, sa, sa, said picrochole, by st. james you have given a true character of them. one thing i will advise you, said touquedillon. we are here but badly victualled, and furnished with mouth-harness very slenderly. if grangousier should come to besiege us, i would go presently, and pluck out of all your soldiers' heads and mine own all the teeth, except three to each of us, and with them alone we should make an end of our provision but too soon. we shall have, said picrochole, but too much sustenance and feeding-stuff. came we hither to eat or to fight? to fight, indeed, said touquedillon; yet from the paunch comes the dance, and where famine rules force is exiled. leave off your prating, said picrochole, and forthwith seize upon what they have brought. then took they money and cakes, oxen and carts, and sent them away without speaking one word, only that they would come no more so near, for a reason that they would give them the morrow after. thus, without doing anything, returned they to grangousier, and related the whole matter unto him, subjoining that there was no hope left to draw them to peace but by sharp and fierce wars. chapter 1.xxxiii. how some statesmen of picrochole, by hairbrained counsel, put him in extreme danger. the carts being unloaded, and the money and cakes secured, there came before picrochole the duke of smalltrash, the earl swashbuckler, and captain dirt-tail (menuail, spadassin, merdaille.), who said unto him, sir, this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous prince that ever was since the death of alexander of macedonia. be covered, be covered, said picrochole. gramercy, said they, we do but our duty. the manner is thus. you shall leave some captain here to have the charge of this garrison, with a party competent for keeping of the place, which, besides its natural strength, is made stronger by the rampiers and fortresses of your devising. your army you are to divide into two parts, as you know very well how to do. one part thereof shall fall upon grangousier and his forces. by it shall he be easily at the very first shock routed, and then shall you get money by heaps, for the clown hath store of ready coin. clown we call him, because a noble and generous prince hath never a penny, and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish trick. the other part of the army, in the meantime, shall draw towards onys, xaintonge, angomois, and gascony. then march to perigot, medoc, and elanes, taking wherever you come, without resistance, towns, castles, and forts; afterwards to bayonne, st. john de luc, to fontarabia, where you shall seize upon all the ships, and coasting along galicia and portugal, shall pillage all the maritime places, even unto lisbon, where you shall be supplied with all necessaries befitting a conqueror. by copsody, spain will yield, for they are but a race of loobies. then are you to pass by the straits of gibraltar, where you shall erect two pillars more stately than those of hercules, to the perpetual memory of your name, and the narrow entrance there shall be called the picrocholinal sea. having passed the picrocholinal sea, behold, barbarossa yields himself your slave. i will, said picrochole, give him fair quarter and spare his life. yea, said they, so that he be content to be christened. and you shall conquer the kingdoms of tunis, of hippo, argier, bomine (bona), corone, yea, all barbary. furthermore, you shall take into your hands majorca, minorca, sardinia, corsica, with the other islands of the ligustic and balearian seas. going alongst on the left hand, you shall rule all gallia narbonensis, provence, the allobrogians, genoa, florence, lucca, and then god b'w'ye, rome. (our poor monsieur the pope dies now for fear.) by my faith, said picrochole, i will not then kiss his pantoufle. italy being thus taken, behold naples, calabria, apulia, and sicily, all ransacked, and malta too. i wish the pleasant knights of the rhodes heretofore would but come to resist you, that we might see their urine. i would, said picrochole, very willingly go to loretto. no, no, said they, that shall be at our return. from thence we will sail eastwards, and take candia, cyprus, rhodes, and the cyclade islands, and set upon (the) morea. it is ours, by st. trenian. the lord preserve jerusalem; for the great soldan is not comparable to you in power. i will then, said he, cause solomon's temple to be built. no, said they, not yet, have a little patience, stay awhile, be never too sudden in your enterprises. can you tell what octavian augustus said? festina lente. it is requisite that you first have the lesser asia, caria, lycia, pamphilia, cilicia, lydia, phrygia, mysia, bithynia, carazia, satalia, samagaria, castamena, luga, savasta, even unto euphrates. shall we see, said picrochole, babylon and mount sinai? there is no need, said they, at this time. have we not hurried up and down, travelled and toiled enough, in having transfretted and passed over the hircanian sea, marched alongst the two armenias and the three arabias? ay, by my faith, said he, we have played the fools, and are undone. ha, poor souls! what's the matter? said they. what shall we have, said he, to drink in these deserts? for julian augustus with his whole army died there for thirst, as they say. we have already, said they, given order for that. in the syriac sea you have nine thousand and fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world. they arrived at port joppa. there they found two-and-twenty thousand camels and sixteen hundred elephants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about sigelmes, when you entered into lybia; and, besides this, you had all the mecca caravan. did not they furnish you sufficiently with wine? yes, but, said he, we did not drink it fresh. by the virtue, said they, not of a fish, a valiant man, a conqueror, who pretends and aspires to the monarchy of the world, cannot always have his ease. god be thanked that you and your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the river tigris. but, said he, what doth that part of our army in the meantime which overthrows that unworthy swillpot grangousier? they are not idle, said they. we shall meet with them by-and-by. they shall have won you brittany, normandy, flanders, hainault, brabant, artois, holland, zealand; they have passed the rhine over the bellies of the switzers and lansquenets, and a party of these hath subdued luxembourg, lorraine, champagne, and savoy, even to lyons, in which place they have met with your forces returning from the naval conquests of the mediterranean sea; and have rallied again in bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked suevia, wittemberg, bavaria, austria, moravia, and styria. then they set fiercely together upon lubeck, norway, swedeland, rie, denmark, gitland, greenland, the sterlins, even unto the frozen sea. this done, they conquered the isles of orkney and subdued scotland, england, and ireland. from thence sailing through the sandy sea and by the sarmates, they have vanquished and overcome prussia, poland, lithuania, russia, wallachia, transylvania, hungary, bulgaria, turkeyland, and are now at constantinople. come, said picrochole, let us go join with them quickly, for i will be emperor of trebizond also. shall we not kill all these dogs, turks and mahometans? what a devil should we do else? said they. and you shall give their goods and lands to such as shall have served you honestly. reason, said he, will have it so, that is but just. i give unto you the caramania, suria, and all the palestine. ha, sir, said they, it is out of your goodness; gramercy, we thank you. god grant you may always prosper. there was there present at that time an old gentleman well experienced in the wars, a stern soldier, and who had been in many great hazards, named echephron, who, hearing this discourse, said, i do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or interlude of the pitcher full of milk wherewith a shoemaker made himself rich in conceit; but, when the pitcher was broken, he had not whereupon to dine. what do you pretend by these large conquests? what shall be the end of so many labours and crosses? thus it shall be, said picrochole, that when we are returned we shall sit down, rest, and be merry. but, said echephron, if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long and dangerous, were it not better for us to take our rest now, than unnecessarily to expose ourselves to so many dangers? o, said swashbuckler, by g--, here is a good dotard; come, let us go hide ourselves in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of our life amongst ladies, in threading of pearls, or spinning, like sardanapalus. he that nothing ventures hath neither horse nor mule, says solomon. he who adventureth too much, said echephron, loseth both horse and mule, answered malchon. enough, said picrochole, go forward. i fear nothing but that these devilish legions of grangousier, whilst we are in mesopotamia, will come on our backs and charge up our rear. what course shall we then take? what shall be our remedy? a very good one, said dirt-tail; a pretty little commission, which you must send unto the muscovites, shall bring you into the field in an instant four hundred and fifty thousand choice men of war. oh that you would but make me your lieutenant-general, i should for the lightest faults of any inflict great punishments. i fret, i charge, i strike, i take, i kill, i slay, i play the devil. on, on, said picrochole, make haste, my lads, and let him that loves me follow me. chapter 1.xxxiv. how gargantua left the city of paris to succour his country, and how gymnast encountered with the enemy. in this same very hour gargantua, who was gone out of paris as soon as he had read his father's letters, coming upon his great mare, had already passed the nunnery-bridge, himself, ponocrates, gymnast, and eudemon, who all three, the better to enable them to go along with him, took post-horses. the rest of his train came after him by even journeys at a slower pace, bringing with them all his books and philosophical instruments. as soon as he had alighted at parille, he was informed by a farmer of gouguet how picrochole had fortified himself within the rock clermond, and had sent captain tripet with a great army to set upon the wood of vede and vaugaudry, and that they had already plundered the whole country, not leaving cock nor hen, even as far as to the winepress of billard. these strange and almost incredible news of the enormous abuses thus committed over all the land, so affrighted gargantua that he knew not what to say nor do. but ponocrates counselled him to go unto the lord of vauguyon, who at all times had been their friend and confederate, and that by him they should be better advised in their business. which they did incontinently, and found him very willing and fully resolved to assist them, and therefore was of opinion that they should send some one of his company to scout along and discover the country, to learn in what condition and posture the enemy was, that they might take counsel, and proceed according to the present occasion. gymnast offered himself to go. whereupon it was concluded, that for his safety and the better expedition, he should have with him someone that knew the ways, avenues, turnings, windings, and rivers thereabout. then away went he and prelingot, the equerry or gentleman of vauguyon's horse, who scouted and espied as narrowly as they could upon all quarters without any fear. in the meantime gargantua took a little refreshment, ate somewhat himself, the like did those who were with him, and caused to give to his mare a picotine of oats, that is, three score and fourteen quarters and three bushels. gymnast and his comrade rode so long, that at last they met with the enemy's forces, all scattered and out of order, plundering, stealing, robbing, and pillaging all they could lay their hands on. and, as far off as they could perceive him, they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste towards him, to unload him of his money, and untruss his portmantles. then cried he out unto them, my masters, i am a poor devil, i desire you to spare me. i have yet one crown left. come, we must drink it, for it is aurum potabile, and this horse here shall be sold to pay my welcome. afterwards take me for one of your own, for never yet was there any man that knew better how to take, lard, roast, and dress, yea, by g--, to tear asunder and devour a hen, than i that am here: and for my proficiat i drink to all good fellows. with that he unscrewed his borracho (which was a great dutch leathern bottle), and without putting in his nose drank very honestly. the maroufle rogues looked upon him, opening their throats a foot wide, and putting out their tongues like greyhounds, in hopes to drink after him; but captain tripet, in the very nick of that their expectation, came running to him to see who it was. to him gymnast offered his bottle, saying, hold, captain, drink boldly and spare not; i have been thy taster, it is wine of la faye monjau. what! said tripet, this fellow gibes and flouts us? who art thou? said tripet. i am, said gymnast, a poor devil (pauvre diable). ha, said tripet, seeing thou art a poor devil, it is reason that thou shouldst be permitted to go whithersoever thou wilt, for all poor devils pass everywhere without toll or tax. but it is not the custom of poor devils to be so well mounted; therefore, sir devil, come down, and let me have your horse, and if he do not carry me well, you, master devil, must do it: for i love a life that such a devil as you should carry me away. chapter 1.xxxv. how gymnast very souply and cunningly killed captain tripet and others of picrochole's men. when they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and blessed themselves with both hands, thinking indeed that he had been a devil disguised, insomuch that one of them, named good john, captain of the trained bands of the country bumpkins, took his psalter out of his codpiece, and cried out aloud, hagios ho theos. if thou be of god, speak; if thou be of the other spirit, avoid hence, and get thee going. yet he went not away. which words being heard by all the soldiers that were there, divers of them being a little inwardly terrified, departed from the place. all this did gymnast very well remark and consider, and therefore making as if he would have alighted from off his horse, as he was poising himself on the mounting side, he most nimbly, with his short sword by his thigh, shifting his foot in the stirrup, performed the stirrup-leather feat, whereby, after the inclining of his body downwards, he forthwith launched himself aloft in the air, and placed both his feet together on the saddle, standing upright with his back turned towards the horse's head. now, said he, my case goes backward. then suddenly in the same very posture wherein he was, he fetched a gambol upon one foot, and, turning to the left hand, failed not to carry his body perfectly round, just into its former stance, without missing one jot. ha, said tripet, i will not do that at this time, and not without cause. well, said gymnast, i have failed, i will undo this leap. then with a marvellous strength and agility, turning towards the right hand, he fetched another frisking gambol as before, which done, he set his right-hand thumb upon the hind-bow of the saddle, raised himself up, and sprung in the air, poising and upholding his whole body upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb, and so turned and whirled himself about three times. at the fourth, reversing his body, and overturning it upside down, and foreside back, without touching anything, he brought himself betwixt the horse's two ears, springing with all his body into the air, upon the thumb of his left hand, and in that posture, turning like a windmill, did most actively do that trick which is called the miller's pass. after this, clapping his right hand flat upon the middle of the saddle, he gave himself such a jerking swing that he thereby seated himself upon the crupper, after the manner of gentlewomen sitting on horseback. this done, he easily passed his right leg over the saddle, and placed himself like one that rides in croup. but, said he, it were better for me to get into the saddle; then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning himself, as upon the only supporters of his body, he incontinently turned heels over head in the air, and straight found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a good settlement. then with a somersault springing into the air again, he fell to stand with both his feet close together upon the saddle, and there made above a hundred frisks, turns, and demipommads, with his arms held out across, and in so doing cried out aloud, i rage, i rage, devils, i am stark mad, devils, i am mad, hold me, devils, hold me, hold, devils, hold, hold! whilst he was thus vaulting, the rogues in great astonishment said to one another, by cock's death, he is a goblin or a devil thus disguised. ab hoste maligno libera nos, domine, and ran away in a full flight, as if they had been routed, looking now and then behind them, like a dog that carrieth away a goose-wing in his mouth. then gymnast, spying his advantage, alighted from his horse, drew his sword, and laid on great blows upon the thickset and highest crested among them, and overthrew them in great heaps, hurt, wounded, and bruised, being resisted by nobody, they thinking he had been a starved devil, as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting, which they had seen, as for the talk tripet had with him, calling him poor devil. only tripet would have traitorously cleft his head with his horseman's sword, or lance-knight falchion; but he was well armed, and felt nothing of the blow but the weight of the stroke. whereupon, turning suddenly about, he gave tripet a home-thrust, and upon the back of that, whilst he was about to ward his head from a slash, he ran him in at the breast with a hit, which at once cut his stomach, the fifth gut called the colon, and the half of his liver, wherewith he fell to the ground, and in falling gushed forth above four pottles of pottage, and his soul mingled with the pottage. this done, gymnast withdrew himself, very wisely considering that a case of great adventure and hazard should not be pursued unto its utmost period, and that it becomes all cavaliers modestly to use their good fortune, without troubling or stretching it too far. wherefore, getting to horse, he gave him the spur, taking the right way unto vauguyon, and prelinguand with him. chapter 1.xxxvi. how gargantua demolished the castle at the ford of vede, and how they passed the ford. [illustration: how gargantua passed the ford--1-36-076] as soon as he came, he related the estate and condition wherein they had found the enemy, and the stratagem which he alone had used against all their multitude, affirming that they were but rascally rogues, plunderers, thieves, and robbers, ignorant of all military discipline, and that they might boldly set forward unto the field; it being an easy matter to fell and strike them down like beasts. then gargantua mounted his great mare, accompanied as we have said before, and finding in his way a high and great tree, which commonly was called by the name of st. martin's tree, because heretofore st. martin planted a pilgrim's staff there, which in tract of time grew to that height and greatness, said, this is that which i lacked; this tree shall serve me both for a staff and lance. with that he pulled it up easily, plucked off the boughs, and trimmed it at his pleasure. in the meantime his mare pissed to ease her belly, but it was in such abundance that it did overflow the country seven leagues, and all the piss of that urinal flood ran glib away towards the ford of vede, wherewith the water was so swollen that all the forces the enemy had there were with great horror drowned, except some who had taken the way on the left hand towards the hills. gargantua, being come to the place of the wood of vede, was informed by eudemon that there was some remainder of the enemy within the castle, which to know, gargantua cried out as loud as he was able, are you there, or are you not there? if you be there, be there no more; and if you are not there, i have no more to say. but a ruffian gunner, whose charge was to attend the portcullis over the gate, let fly a cannon-ball at him, and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right temple of his head, yet did him no more hurt than if he had but cast a prune or kernel of a wine-grape at him. what is this? said gargantua; do you throw at us grape-kernels here? the vintage shall cost you dear; thinking indeed that the bullet had been the kernel of a grape, or raisin-kernel. those who were within the castle, being till then busy at the pillage, when they heard this noise ran to the towers and fortresses, from whence they shot at him above nine thousand and five-and-twenty falconshot and arquebusades, aiming all at his head, and so thick did they shoot at him that he cried out, ponocrates, my friend, these flies here are like to put out mine eyes; give me a branch of those willow-trees to drive them away, thinking that the bullets and stones shot out of the great ordnance had been but dunflies. ponocrates looked and saw that there were no other flies but great shot which they had shot from the castle. then was it that he rushed with his great tree against the castle, and with mighty blows overthrew both towers and fortresses, and laid all level with the ground, by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces. going from thence, they came to the bridge at the mill, where they found all the ford covered with dead bodies, so thick that they had choked up the mill and stopped the current of its water, and these were those that were destroyed in the urinal deluge of the mare. there they were at a stand, consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead carcasses. but gymnast said, if the devils have passed there, i will pass well enough. the devils have passed there, said eudemon, to carry away the damned souls. by st. treignan! said ponocrates, then by necessary consequence he shall pass there. yes, yes, said gymnastes, or i shall stick in the way. then setting spurs to his horse, he passed through freely, his horse not fearing nor being anything affrighted at the sight of the dead bodies; for he had accustomed him, according to the doctrine of aelian, not to fear armour, nor the carcasses of dead men; and that not by killing men as diomedes did the thracians, or as ulysses did in throwing the corpses of his enemies at his horse's feet, as homer saith, but by putting a jack-a-lent amongst his hay, and making him go over it ordinarily when he gave him his oats. the other three followed him very close, except eudemon only, whose horse's fore-right or far forefoot sank up to the knee in the paunch of a great fat chuff who lay there upon his back drowned, and could not get it out. there was he pestered, until gargantua, with the end of his staff, thrust down the rest of the villain's tripes into the water whilst the horse pulled out his foot; and, which is a wonderful thing in hippiatry, the said horse was thoroughly cured of a ringbone which he had in that foot by this touch of the burst guts of that great looby. chapter 1.xxxvii. how gargantua, in combing his head, made the great cannon-balls fall out of his hair. being come out of the river of vede, they came very shortly after to grangousier's castle, who waited for them with great longing. at their coming they were entertained with many congees, and cherished with embraces. never was seen a more joyful company, for supplementum supplementi chronicorum saith that gargamelle died there with joy; for my part, truly i cannot tell, neither do i care very much for her, nor for anybody else. the truth was, that gargantua, in shifting his clothes, and combing his head with a comb, which was nine hundred foot long of the jewish cane measure, and whereof the teeth were great tusks of elephants, whole and entire, he made fall at every rake above seven balls of bullets, at a dozen the ball, that stuck in his hair at the razing of the castle of the wood of vede. which his father grangousier seeing, thought they had been lice, and said unto him, what, my dear son, hast thou brought us this far some short-winged hawks of the college of montague? i did not mean that thou shouldst reside there. then answered ponocrates, my sovereign lord, think not that i have placed him in that lousy college which they call montague; i had rather have put him amongst the grave-diggers of sanct innocent, so enormous is the cruelty and villainy that i have known there: for the galley-slaves are far better used amongst the moors and tartars, the murderers in the criminal dungeons, yea, the very dogs in your house, than are the poor wretched students in the aforesaid college. and if i were king of paris, the devil take me if i would not set it on fire, and burn both principal and regents, for suffering this inhumanity to be exercised before their eyes. then, taking up one of these bullets, he said, these are cannon-shot, which your son gargantua hath lately received by the treachery of your enemies, as he was passing before the wood of vede. but they have been so rewarded, that they are all destroyed in the ruin of the castle, as were the philistines by the policy of samson, and those whom the tower of silohim slew, as it is written in the thirteenth of luke. my opinion is, that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side; for occasion hath all her hair on her forehead; when she is passed, you may not recall her,--she hath no tuft whereby you can lay hold on her, for she is bald in the hind-part of her head, and never returneth again. truly, said grangousier, it shall not be at this time; for i will make you a feast this night, and bid you welcome. this said, they made ready supper, and, of extraordinary besides his daily fare, were roasted sixteen oxen, three heifers, two and thirty calves, three score and three fat kids, four score and fifteen wethers, three hundred farrow pigs or sheats soused in sweet wine or must, eleven score partridges, seven hundred snipes and woodcocks, four hundred loudun and cornwall capons, six thousand pullets, and as many pigeons, six hundred crammed hens, fourteen hundred leverets, or young hares and rabbits, three hundred and three buzzards, and one thousand and seven hundred cockerels. for venison, they could not so suddenly come by it, only eleven wild boars, which the abbot of turpenay sent, and eighteen fallow deer which the lord of gramount bestowed; together with seven score pheasants, which were sent by the lord of essars; and some dozens of queests, coushats, ringdoves, and woodculvers; river-fowl, teals and awteals, bitterns, courtes, plovers, francolins, briganders, tyrasons, young lapwings, tame ducks, shovellers, woodlanders, herons, moorhens, criels, storks, canepetiers, oranges, flamans, which are phaenicopters, or crimson-winged sea-fowls, terrigoles, turkeys, arbens, coots, solan-geese, curlews, termagants, and water-wagtails, with a great deal of cream, curds, and fresh cheese, and store of soup, pottages, and brewis with great variety. without doubt there was meat enough, and it was handsomely dressed by snapsauce, hotchpot, and brayverjuice, grangousier's cooks. jenkin trudgeapace and cleanglass were very careful to fill them drink. chapter 1.xxxviii. how gargantua did eat up six pilgrims in a salad. the story requireth that we relate that which happened unto six pilgrims who came from sebastian near to nantes, and who for shelter that night, being afraid of the enemy, had hid themselves in the garden upon the chichling peas, among the cabbages and lettuces. gargantua finding himself somewhat dry, asked whether they could get any lettuce to make him a salad; and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the country, for they were as great as plum-trees or as walnut-trees, he would go thither himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, and withal carried away the six pilgrims, who were in so great fear that they did not dare to speak nor cough. washing them, therefore, first at the fountain, the pilgrims said one to another softly, what shall we do? we are almost drowned here amongst these lettuce, shall we speak? but if we speak, he will kill us for spies. and, as they were thus deliberating what to do, gargantua put them with the lettuce into a platter of the house, as large as the huge tun of the white friars of the cistercian order; which done, with oil, vinegar, and salt, he ate them up, to refresh himself a little before supper, and had already swallowed up five of the pilgrims, the sixth being in the platter, totally hid under a lettuce, except his bourdon or staff that appeared, and nothing else. which grangousier seeing, said to gargantua, i think that is the horn of a shell-snail, do not eat it. why not? said gargantua, they are good all this month: which he no sooner said, but, drawing up the staff, and therewith taking up the pilgrim, he ate him very well, then drank a terrible draught of excellent white wine. the pilgrims, thus devoured, made shift to save themselves as well as they could, by withdrawing their bodies out of the reach of the grinders of his teeth, but could not escape from thinking they had been put in the lowest dungeon of a prison. and when gargantua whiffed the great draught, they thought to have been drowned in his mouth, and the flood of wine had almost carried them away into the gulf of his stomach. nevertheless, skipping with their bourdons, as st. michael's palmers use to do, they sheltered themselves from the danger of that inundation under the banks of his teeth. but one of them by chance, groping or sounding the country with his staff, to try whether they were in safety or no, struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the mandibulary sinew or nerve of the jaw, which put gargantua to very great pain, so that he began to cry for the rage that he felt. to ease himself therefore of his smarting ache, he called for his toothpicker, and rubbing towards a young walnut-tree, where they lay skulking, unnestled you my gentlemen pilgrims. for he caught one by the legs, another by the scrip, another by the pocket, another by the scarf, another by the band of the breeches, and the poor fellow that had hurt him with the bourdon, him he hooked to him by the codpiece, which snatch nevertheless did him a great deal of good, for it pierced unto him a pocky botch he had in the groin, which grievously tormented him ever since they were past ancenis. the pilgrims, thus dislodged, ran away athwart the plain a pretty fast pace, and the pain ceased, even just at the time when by eudemon he was called to supper, for all was ready. i will go then, said he, and piss away my misfortune; which he did do in such a copious measure, that the urine taking away the feet from the pilgrims, they were carried along with the stream unto the bank of a tuft of trees. upon which, as soon as they had taken footing, and that for their self-preservation they had run a little out of the road, they on a sudden fell all six, except fourniller, into a trap that had been made to take wolves by a train, out of which, nevertheless, they escaped by the industry of the said fourniller, who broke all the snares and ropes. being gone from thence, they lay all the rest of that night in a lodge near unto coudray, where they were comforted in their miseries by the gracious words of one of their company, called sweer-to-go, who showed them that this adventure had been foretold by the prophet david, psalm. quum exsurgerent homines in nos, forte vivos deglutissent nos; when we were eaten in the salad, with salt, oil, and vinegar. quum irasceretur furor eorum in nos, forsitan aqua absorbuisset nos; when he drank the great draught. torrentem pertransivit anima nostra; when the stream of his water carried us to the thicket. forsitan pertransisset anima nostra aquam intolerabilem; that is, the water of his urine, the flood whereof, cutting our way, took our feet from us. benedictus dominus qui non dedit nos in captionem dentibus eorum. anima nostra sicut passer erepta est de laqueo venantium; when we fell in the trap. laqueus contritus est, by fourniller, et nos liberati sumus. adjutorium nostrum, &c. chapter 1.xxxix. how the monk was feasted by gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had at supper. when gargantua was set down at table, after all of them had somewhat stayed their stomachs by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten heartily, grangousier began to relate the source and cause of the war raised between him and picrochole; and came to tell how friar john of the funnels had triumphed at the defence of the close of the abbey, and extolled him for his valour above camillus, scipio, pompey, caesar, and themistocles. then gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for, to the end that with him they might consult of what was to be done. whereupon, by a joint consent, his steward went for him, and brought him along merrily, with his staff of the cross, upon grangousier's mule. when he was come, a thousand huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were given. ha, friar john, my friend friar john, my brave cousin friar john from the devil! let me clip thee, my heart, about the neck; to me an armful. i must grip thee, my ballock, till thy back crack with it. come, my cod, let me coll thee till i kill thee. and friar john, the gladdest man in the world, never was man made welcomer, never was any more courteously and graciously received than friar john. come, come, said gargantua, a stool here close by me at this end. i am content, said the monk, seeing you will have it so. some water, page; fill, my boy, fill; it is to refresh my liver. give me some, child, to gargle my throat withal. deposita cappa, said gymnast, let us pull off this frock. ho, by g--, gentlemen, said the monk, there is a chapter in statutis ordinis which opposeth my laying of it down. pish! said gymnast, a fig for your chapter! this frock breaks both your shoulders, put it off. my friend, said the monk, let me alone with it; for, by g--, i'll drink the better that it is on. it makes all my body jocund. if i should lay it aside, the waggish pages would cut to themselves garters out of it, as i was once served at coulaines. and, which is worse, i shall lose my appetite. but if in this habit i sit down at table, i will drink, by g--, both to thee and to thy horse, and so courage, frolic, god save the company! i have already supped, yet will i eat never a whit the less for that; for i have a paved stomach, as hollow as a butt of malvoisie or st. benedictus' boot (butt), and always open like a lawyer's pouch. of all fishes but the tench take the wing of a partridge or the thigh of a nun. doth not he die like a good fellow that dies with a stiff catso? our prior loves exceedingly the white of a capon. in that, said gymnast, he doth not resemble the foxes; for of the capons, hens, and pullets which they carry away they never eat the white. why? said the monk. because, said gymnast, they have no cooks to dress them; and, if they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not white; the redness of meats being a token that they have not got enough of the fire, whether by boiling, roasting, or otherwise, except the shrimps, lobsters, crabs, and crayfishes, which are cardinalized with boiling. by god's feast-gazers, said the monk, the porter of our abbey then hath not his head well boiled, for his eyes are as red as a mazer made of an alder-tree. the thigh of this leveret is good for those that have the gout. to the purpose of the truel,--what is the reason that the thighs of a gentlewoman are always fresh and cool? this problem, said gargantua, is neither in aristotle, in alexander aphrodiseus, nor in plutarch. there are three causes, said the monk, by which that place is naturally refreshed. primo, because the water runs all along by it. secundo, because it is a shady place, obscure and dark, upon which the sun never shines. and thirdly, because it is continually flabbelled, blown upon, and aired by the north winds of the hole arstick, the fan of the smock, and flipflap of the codpiece. and lusty, my lads. some bousing liquor, page! so! crack, crack, crack. o how good is god, that gives us of this excellent juice! i call him to witness, if i had been in the time of jesus christ, i would have kept him from being taken by the jews in the garden of olivet. and the devil fail me, if i should have failed to cut off the hams of these gentlemen apostles who ran away so basely after they had well supped, and left their good master in the lurch. i hate that man worse than poison that offers to run away when he should fight and lay stoutly about him. oh that i were but king of france for fourscore or a hundred years! by g--, i should whip like curtail-dogs these runaways of pavia. a plague take them; why did they not choose rather to die there than to leave their good prince in that pinch and necessity? is it not better and more honourable to perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running away? we are like to eat no great store of goslings this year; therefore, friend, reach me some of that roasted pig there. diavolo, is there no more must? no more sweet wine? germinavit radix jesse. je renie ma vie, je meurs de soif; i renounce my life, i rage for thirst. this wine is none of the worst. what wine drink you at paris? i give myself to the devil, if i did not once keep open house at paris for all comers six months together. do you know friar claude of the high kilderkins? oh the good fellow that he is! but i do not know what fly hath stung him of late, he is become so hard a student. for my part, i study not at all. in our abbey we never study for fear of the mumps, which disease in horses is called the mourning in the chine. our late abbot was wont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned monk. by g--, master, my friend, magis magnos clericos non sunt magis magnos sapientes. you never saw so many hares as there are this year. i could not anywhere come by a goshawk nor tassel of falcon. my lord belloniere promised me a lanner, but he wrote to me not long ago that he was become pursy. the partridges will so multiply henceforth, that they will go near to eat up our ears. i take no delight in the stalking-horse, for i catch such cold that i am like to founder myself at that sport. if i do not run, toil, travel, and trot about, i am not well at ease. true it is that in leaping over the hedges and bushes my frock leaves always some of its wool behind it. i have recovered a dainty greyhound; i give him to the devil, if he suffer a hare to escape him. a groom was leading him to my lord huntlittle, and i robbed him of him. did i ill? no, friar john, said gymnast, no, by all the devils that are, no! so, said the monk, do i attest these same devils so long as they last, or rather, virtue (of) g--, what could that gouty limpard have done with so fine a dog? by the body of g--, he is better pleased when one presents him with a good yoke of oxen. how now, said ponocrates, you swear, friar john. it is only, said the monk, but to grace and adorn my speech. they are colours of a ciceronian rhetoric. chapter 1.xl. why monks are the outcasts of the world; and wherefore some have bigger noses than others. by the faith of a christian, said eudemon, i do wonderfully dote and enter in a great ecstasy when i consider the honesty and good fellowship of this monk, for he makes us here all merry. how is it, then, that they exclude the monks from all good companies, calling them feast-troublers, marrers of mirth, and disturbers of all civil conversation, as the bees drive away the drones from their hives? ignavum fucos pecus, said maro, a praesepibus arcent. hereunto, answered gargantua, there is nothing so true as that the frock and cowl draw unto itself the opprobries, injuries, and maledictions of the world, just as the wind called cecias attracts the clouds. the peremptory reason is, because they eat the ordure and excrements of the world, that is to say, the sins of the people, and, like dung-chewers and excrementitious eaters, they are cast into the privies and secessive places, that is, the convents and abbeys, separated from political conversation, as the jakes and retreats of a house are. but if you conceive how an ape in a family is always mocked and provokingly incensed, you shall easily apprehend how monks are shunned of all men, both young and old. the ape keeps not the house as a dog doth, he draws not in the plough as the ox, he yields neither milk nor wool as the sheep, he carrieth no burden as a horse doth. that which he doth, is only to conskite, spoil, and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks, frumperies, and bastinadoes. after the same manner a monk--i mean those lither, idle, lazy monks--doth not labour and work, as do the peasant and artificer; doth not ward and defend the country, as doth the man of war; cureth not the sick and diseased, as the physician doth; doth neither preach nor teach, as do the evangelical doctors and schoolmasters; doth not import commodities and things necessary for the commonwealth, as the merchant doth. therefore is it that by and of all men they are hooted at, hated, and abhorred. yea, but, said grangousier, they pray to god for us. nothing less, answered gargantua. true it is, that with a tingle tangle jangling of bells they trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them. right, said the monk; a mass, a matin, a vesper well rung, are half said. they mumble out great store of legends and psalms, by them not at all understood; they say many paternosters interlarded with ave-maries, without thinking upon or apprehending the meaning of what it is they say, which truly i call mocking of god, and not prayers. but so help them god, as they pray for us, and not for being afraid to lose their victuals, their manchots, and good fat pottage. all true christians, of all estates and conditions, in all places and at all times, send up their prayers to god, and the mediator prayeth and intercedeth for them, and god is gracious to them. now such a one is our good friar john; therefore every man desireth to have him in his company. he is no bigot or hypocrite; he is not torn and divided betwixt reality and appearance; no wretch of a rugged and peevish disposition, but honest, jovial, resolute, and a good fellow. he travels, he labours, he defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, helps the needy, and keeps the close of the abbey. nay, said the monk, i do a great deal more than that; for whilst we are in despatching our matins and anniversaries in the choir, i make withal some crossbow-strings, polish glass bottles and bolts, i twist lines and weave purse nets wherein to catch coneys. i am never idle. but now, hither come, some drink, some drink here! bring the fruit. these chestnuts are of the wood of estrox, and with good new wine are able to make you a fine cracker and composer of bum-sonnets. you are not as yet, it seems, well moistened in this house with the sweet wine and must. by g--, i drink to all men freely, and at all fords, like a proctor or promoter's horse. friar john, said gymnast, take away the snot that hangs at your nose. ha, ha, said the monk, am not i in danger of drowning, seeing i am in water even to the nose? no, no, quare? quia, though some water come out from thence, there never goes in any; for it is well antidoted with pot-proof armour and syrup of the vine-leaf. oh, my friend, he that hath winter-boots made of such leather may boldly fish for oysters, for they will never take water. what is the cause, said gargantua, that friar john hath such a fair nose? because, said grangousier, that god would have it so, who frameth us in such form and for such end as is most agreeable with his divine will, even as a potter fashioneth his vessels. because, said ponocrates, he came with the first to the fair of noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and the greatest. pish, said the monk, that is not the reason of it, but, according to the true monastical philosophy, it is because my nurse had soft teats, by virtue whereof, whilst she gave me suck, my nose did sink in as in so much butter. the hard breasts of nurses make children short-nosed. but hey, gay, ad formam nasi cognoscitur ad te levavi. i never eat any confections, page, whilst i am at the bibbery. item, bring me rather some toasts. chapter 1.xli. how the monk made gargantua sleep, and of his hours and breviaries. supper being ended, they consulted of the business in hand, and concluded that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemy, to know what manner of watch and ward they kept, and that in the meanwhile they should take a little rest the better to refresh themselves. but gargantua could not sleep by any means, on which side soever he turned himself. whereupon the monk said to him, i never sleep soundly but when i am at sermon or prayers. let us therefore begin, you and i, the seven penitential psalms, to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep. the conceit pleased gargantua very well, and, beginning the first of these psalms, as soon as they came to the words beati quorum they fell asleep, both the one and the other. but the monk, for his being formerly accustomed to the hour of claustral matins, failed not to awake a little before midnight, and, being up himself, awaked all the rest, in singing aloud, and with a full clear voice, the song: awake, o reinian, ho, awake! awake, o reinian, ho! get up, you no more sleep must take; get up, for we must go. when they were all roused and up, he said, my masters, it is a usual saying, that we begin matins with coughing and supper with drinking. let us now, in doing clean contrarily, begin our matins with drinking, and at night before supper we shall cough as hard as we can. what, said gargantua, to drink so soon after sleep? this is not to live according to the diet and prescript rule of the physicians, for you ought first to scour and cleanse your stomach of all its superfluities and excrements. oh, well physicked, said the monk; a hundred devils leap into my body, if there be not more old drunkards than old physicians! i have made this paction and covenant with my appetite, that it always lieth down and goes to bed with myself, for to that i every day give very good order; then the next morning it also riseth with me and gets up when i am awake. mind you your charges, gentlemen, or tend your cures as much as you will. i will get me to my drawer; in terms of falconry, my tiring. what drawer or tiring do you mean? said gargantua. my breviary, said the monk, for just as the falconers, before they feed their hawks, do make them draw at a hen's leg to purge their brains of phlegm and sharpen them to a good appetite, so, by taking this merry little breviary in the morning, i scour all my lungs and am presently ready to drink. after what manner, said gargantua, do you say these fair hours and prayers of yours? after the manner of whipfield (fessecamp, and corruptly fecan.), said the monk, by three psalms and three lessons, or nothing at all, he that will. i never tie myself to hours, prayers, and sacraments; for they are made for the man and not the man for them. therefore is it that i make my prayers in fashion of stirrup-leathers; i shorten or lengthen them when i think good. brevis oratio penetrat caelos et longa potatio evacuat scyphos. where is that written? by my faith, said ponocrates, i cannot tell, my pillicock, but thou art more worth than gold. therein, said the monk, i am like you; but, venite, apotemus. then made they ready store of carbonadoes, or rashers on the coals, and good fat soups, or brewis with sippets; and the monk drank what he pleased. some kept him company, and the rest did forbear, for their stomachs were not as yet opened. afterwards every man began to arm and befit himself for the field. and they armed the monk against his will; for he desired no other armour for back and breast but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand but the staff of the cross. yet at their pleasure was he completely armed cap-a-pie, and mounted upon one of the best horses in the kingdom, with a good slashing shable by his side, together with gargantua, ponocrates, gymnast, eudemon, and five-and-twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of grangousier's house, all armed at proof with their lances in their hands, mounted like st. george, and everyone of them having an arquebusier behind him. chapter 1.xlii. how the monk encouraged his fellow-champions, and how he hanged upon a tree. [illustration: valiant champions on their adventure--1-42-086] thus went out those valiant champions on their adventure, in full resolution to know what enterprise they should undertake, and what to take heed of and look well to in the day of the great and horrible battle. and the monk encouraged them, saying, my children, do not fear nor doubt, i will conduct you safely. god and sanct benedict be with us! if i had strength answerable to my courage, by's death, i would plume them for you like ducks. i fear nothing but the great ordnance; yet i know of a charm by way of prayer, which the subsexton of our abbey taught me, that will preserve a man from the violence of guns and all manner of fire-weapons and engines; but it will do me no good, because i do not believe it. nevertheless, i hope my staff of the cross shall this day play devilish pranks amongst them. by g--, whoever of our party shall offer to play the duck, and shrink when blows are a-dealing, i give myself to the devil, if i do not make a monk of him in my stead, and hamper him within my frock, which is a sovereign cure against cowardice. did you never hear of my lord meurles his greyhound, which was not worth a straw in the fields? he put a frock about his neck: by the body of g--, there was neither hare nor fox that could escape him, and, which is more, he lined all the bitches in the country, though before that he was feeble-reined and ex frigidis et maleficiatis. the monk uttering these words in choler, as he passed under a walnut-tree, in his way towards the causey, he broached the vizor of his helmet on the stump of a great branch of the said tree. nevertheless, he set his spurs so fiercely to the horse, who was full of mettle and quick on the spur, that he bounded forwards, and the monk going about to ungrapple his vizor, let go his hold of the bridle, and so hanged by his hand upon the bough, whilst his horse stole away from under him. by this means was the monk left hanging on the walnut-tree, and crying for help, murder, murder, swearing also that he was betrayed. eudemon perceived him first, and calling gargantua said, sir, come and see absalom hanging. gargantua, being come, considered the countenance of the monk, and in what posture he hanged; wherefore he said to eudemon, you were mistaken in comparing him to absalom; for absalom hung by his hair, but this shaveling monk hangeth by the ears. help me, said the monk, in the devil's name; is this a time for you to prate? you seem to me to be like the decretalist preachers, who say that whosoever shall see his neighbour in the danger of death, ought, upon pain of trisulk excommunication, rather choose to admonish him to make his confession to a priest, and put his conscience in the state of peace, than otherwise to help and relieve him. and therefore when i shall see them fallen into a river, and ready to be drowned, i shall make them a fair long sermon de contemptu mundi, et fuga seculi; and when they are stark dead, shall then go to their aid and succour in fishing after them. be quiet, said gymnast, and stir not, my minion. i am now coming to unhang thee and to set thee at freedom, for thou art a pretty little gentle monachus. monachus in claustro non valet ova duo; sed quando est extra, bene valet triginta. i have seen above five hundred hanged, but i never saw any have a better countenance in his dangling and pendilatory swagging. truly, if i had so good a one, i would willingly hang thus all my lifetime. what, said the monk, have you almost done preaching? help me, in the name of god, seeing you will not in the name of the other spirit, or, by the habit which i wear, you shall repent it, tempore et loco praelibatis. then gymnast alighted from his horse, and, climbing up the walnut-tree, lifted up the monk with one hand by the gussets of his armour under the armpits, and with the other undid his vizor from the stump of the broken branch; which done, he let him fall to the ground and himself after. as soon as the monk was down, he put off all his armour, and threw away one piece after another about the field, and, taking to him again his staff of the cross, remounted up to his horse, which eudemon had caught in his running away. then went they on merrily, riding along on the highway. chapter 1.xliii. how the scouts and fore-party of picrochole were met with by gargantua, and how the monk slew captain drawforth (tirevant.), and then was taken prisoner by his enemies. [illustration: i hear the enemy, let us rally--1-43-088] picrochole, at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broil and defeat wherein tripet was untriped, grew very angry that the devils should have so run upon his men, and held all that night a counsel of war, at which rashcalf and touchfaucet (hastiveau, touquedillon.), concluded his power to be such that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell if they should come to jostle with his forces. this picrochole did not fully believe, though he doubted not much of it. therefore sent he under the command and conduct of the count drawforth, for discovering of the country, the number of sixteen hundred horsemen, all well mounted upon light horses for skirmish and thoroughly besprinkled with holy water; and everyone for their field-mark or cognizance had the sign of a star in his scarf, to serve at all adventures in case they should happen to encounter with devils, that by the virtue, as well of that gregorian water as of the stars which they wore, they might make them disappear and evanish. in this equipage they made an excursion upon the country till they came near to the vauguyon, which is the valley of guyon, and to the spital, but could never find anybody to speak unto; whereupon they returned a little back, and took occasion to pass above the aforesaid hospital to try what intelligence they could come by in those parts. in which resolution riding on, and by chance in a pastoral lodge or shepherd's cottage near to coudray hitting upon the five pilgrims, they carried them way-bound and manacled, as if they had been spies, for all the exclamations, adjurations, and requests that they could make. being come down from thence towards seville, they were heard by gargantua, who said then unto those that were with him, comrades and fellow-soldiers, we have here met with an encounter, and they are ten times in number more than we. shall we charge them or no? what a devil, said the monk, shall we do else? do you esteem men by their number rather than by their valour and prowess? with this he cried out, charge, devils, charge! which when the enemies heard, they thought certainly that they had been very devils, and therefore even then began all of them to run away as hard as they could drive, drawforth only excepted, who immediately settled his lance on its rest, and therewith hit the monk with all his force on the very middle of his breast, but, coming against his horrific frock, the point of the iron being with the blow either broke off or blunted, it was in matter of execution as if you had struck against an anvil with a little wax-candle. then did the monk with his staff of the cross give him such a sturdy thump and whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders, upon the acromion bone, that he made him lose both sense and motion and fall down stone dead at his horse's feet; and, seeing the sign of the star which he wore scarfwise, he said unto gargantua, these men are but priests, which is but the beginning of a monk; by st. john, i am a perfect monk, i will kill them to you like flies. then ran he after them at a swift and full gallop till he overtook the rear, and felled them down like tree-leaves, striking athwart and alongst and every way. gymnast presently asked gargantua if they should pursue them. to whom gargantua answered, by no means; for, according to right military discipline, you must never drive your enemy unto despair, for that such a strait doth multiply his force and increase his courage, which was before broken and cast down; neither is there any better help or outrage of relief for men that are amazed, out of heart, toiled, and spent, than to hope for no favour at all. how many victories have been taken out of the hands of the victors by the vanquished, when they would not rest satisfied with reason, but attempt to put all to the sword, and totally to destroy their enemies, without leaving so much as one to carry home news of the defeat of his fellows. open, therefore, unto your enemies all the gates and ways, and make to them a bridge of silver rather than fail, that you may be rid of them. yea, but, said gymnast, they have the monk. have they the monk? said gargantua. upon mine honour, then, it will prove to their cost. but to prevent all dangers, let us not yet retreat, but halt here quietly as in an ambush; for i think i do already understand the policy and judgment of our enemies. they are truly more directed by chance and mere fortune than by good advice and counsel. in the meanwhile, whilst these made a stop under the walnut-trees, the monk pursued on the chase, charging all he overtook, and giving quarter to none, until he met with a trooper who carried behind him one of the poor pilgrims, and there would have rifled him. the pilgrim, in hope of relief at the sight of the monk, cried out, ha, my lord prior, my good friend, my lord prior, save me, i beseech you, save me! which words being heard by those that rode in the van, they instantly faced about, and seeing there was nobody but the monk that made this great havoc and slaughter among them, they loaded him with blows as thick as they use to do an ass with wood. but of all this he felt nothing, especially when they struck upon his frock, his skin was so hard. then they committed him to two of the marshal's men to keep, and, looking about, saw nobody coming against them, whereupon they thought that gargantua and his party were fled. then was it that they rode as hard as they could towards the walnut-trees to meet with them, and left the monk there all alone, with his two foresaid men to guard him. gargantua heard the noise and neighing of the horses, and said to his men, comrades, i hear the track and beating of the enemy's horse-feet, and withal perceive that some of them come in a troop and full body against us. let us rally and close here, then set forward in order, and by this means we shall be able to receive their charge to their loss and our honour. chapter 1.xliv. how the monk rid himself of his keepers, and how picrochole's forlorn hope was defeated. the monk, seeing them break off thus without order, conjectured that they were to set upon gargantua and those that were with him, and was wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them. then considered he the countenance of the two keepers in whose custody he was, who would have willingly run after the troops to get some booty and plunder, and were always looking towards the valley unto which they were going. farther, he syllogized, saying, these men are but badly skilled in matters of war, for they have not required my parole, neither have they taken my sword from me. suddenly hereafter he drew his brackmard or horseman's sword, wherewith he gave the keeper which held him on the right side such a sound slash that he cut clean through the jugulary veins and the sphagitid or transparent arteries of the neck, with the fore-part of the throat called the gargareon, even unto the two adenes, which are throat kernels; and, redoubling the blow, he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and third vertebrae. there fell down that keeper stark dead to the ground. then the monk, reining his horse to the left, ran upon the other, who, seeing his fellow dead, and the monk to have the advantage of him, cried with a loud voice, ha, my lord prior, quarter; i yield, my lord prior, quarter; quarter, my good friend, my lord prior. and the monk cried likewise, my lord posterior, my friend, my lord posterior, you shall have it upon your posteriorums. ha, said the keeper, my lord prior, my minion, my gentle lord prior, i pray god make you an abbot. by the habit, said the monk, which i wear, i will here make you a cardinal. what! do you use to pay ransoms to religious men? you shall therefore have by-and-by a red hat of my giving. and the fellow cried, ha, my lord prior, my lord prior, my lord abbot that shall be, my lord cardinal, my lord all! ha, ha, hes, no, my lord prior, my good little lord the prior, i yield, render and deliver myself up to you. and i deliver thee, said the monk, to all the devils in hell. then at one stroke he cut off his head, cutting his scalp upon the temple-bones, and lifting up in the upper part of the skull the two triangulary bones called sincipital, or the two bones bregmatis, together with the sagittal commissure or dartlike seam which distinguisheth the right side of the head from the left, as also a great part of the coronal or forehead bone, by which terrible blow likewise he cut the two meninges or films which enwrap the brain, and made a deep wound in the brain's two posterior ventricles, and the cranium or skull abode hanging upon his shoulders by the skin of the pericranium behind, in form of a doctor's bonnet, black without and red within. thus fell he down also to the ground stark dead. and presently the monk gave his horse the spur, and kept the way that the enemy held, who had met with gargantua and his companions in the broad highway, and were so diminished of their number for the enormous slaughter that gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them, as also gymnast, ponocrates, eudemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly and in great haste, as men altogether affrighted and troubled in both sense and understanding, and as if they had seen the very proper species and form of death before their eyes; or rather, as when you see an ass with a brizze or gadbee under his tail, or fly that stings him, run hither and thither without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the ground, breaking his bridle and reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no man can tell what ails him, for they see not anything touch him. so fled these people destitute of wit, without knowing any cause of flying, only pursued by a panic terror which in their minds they had conceived. the monk, perceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to their heels, alighted from his horse and got upon a big large rock which was in the way, and with his great brackmard sword laid such load upon those runaways, and with main strength fetching a compass with his arm without feigning or sparing, slew and overthrew so many that his sword broke in two pieces. then thought he within himself that he had slain and killed sufficiently, and that the rest should escape to carry news. therefore he took up a battle-axe of those that lay there dead, and got upon the rock again, passing his time to see the enemy thus flying and to tumble himself amongst the dead bodies, only that he suffered none to carry pike, sword, lance, nor gun with him, and those who carried the pilgrims bound he made to alight, and gave their horses unto the said pilgrims, keeping them there with him under the hedge, and also touchfaucet, who was then his prisoner. chapter 1.xlv. how the monk carried along with him the pilgrims, and of the good words that grangousier gave them. this skirmish being ended, gargantua retreated with his men, excepting the monk, and about the dawning of the day they came unto grangousier, who in his bed was praying unto god for their safety and victory. and seeing them all safe and sound, he embraced them lovingly, and asked what was become of the monk. gargantua answered him that without doubt the enemies had the monk. then have they mischief and ill luck, said grangousier; which was very true. therefore is it a common proverb to this day, to give a man the monk, or, as in french, lui bailler le moine, when they would express the doing unto one a mischief. then commanded he a good breakfast to be provided for their refreshment. when all was ready, they called gargantua, but he was so aggrieved that the monk was not to be heard of that he would neither eat nor drink. in the meanwhile the monk comes, and from the gate of the outer court cries out aloud, fresh wine, fresh wine, gymnast my friend! gymnast went out and saw that it was friar john, who brought along with him five pilgrims and touchfaucet prisoners; whereupon gargantua likewise went forth to meet him, and all of them made him the best welcome that possibly they could, and brought him before grangousier, who asked him of all his adventures. the monk told him all, both how he was taken, how he rid himself of his keepers, of the slaughter he had made by the way, and how he had rescued the pilgrims and brought along with him captain touchfaucet. then did they altogether fall to banqueting most merrily. in the meantime grangousier asked the pilgrims what countrymen they were, whence they came, and whither they went. sweer-to-go in the name of the rest answered, my sovereign lord, i am of saint genou in berry, this man is of palvau, this other is of onzay, this of argy, this of st. nazarand, and this man of villebrenin. we come from saint sebastian near nantes, and are now returning, as we best may, by easy journeys. yea, but, said grangousier, what went you to do at saint sebastian? we went, said sweer-to-go, to offer up unto that sanct our vows against the plague. ah, poor men! said grangousier, do you think that the plague comes from saint sebastian? yes, truly, answered sweer-to-go, our preachers tell us so indeed. but is it so, said grangousier, do the false prophets teach you such abuses? do they thus blaspheme the sancts and holy men of god, as to make them like unto the devils, who do nothing but hurt unto mankind,--as homer writeth, that the plague was sent into the camp of the greeks by apollo, and as the poets feign a great rabble of vejoves and mischievous gods. so did a certain cafard or dissembling religionary preach at sinay, that saint anthony sent the fire into men's legs, that saint eutropius made men hydropic, saint clidas, fools, and that saint genou made them goutish. but i punished him so exemplarily, though he called me heretic for it, that since that time no such hypocritical rogue durst set his foot within my territories. and truly i wonder that your king should suffer them in their sermons to publish such scandalous doctrine in his dominions; for they deserve to be chastised with greater severity than those who, by magical art, or any other device, have brought the pestilence into a country. the pest killeth but the bodies, but such abominable imposters empoison our very souls. as he spake these words, in came the monk very resolute, and asked them, whence are you, you poor wretches? of saint genou, said they. and how, said the monk, does the abbot gulligut, the good drinker,--and the monks, what cheer make they? by g-body, they'll have a fling at your wives, and breast them to some purpose, whilst you are upon your roaming rant and gadding pilgrimage. hin, hen, said sweer-to-go, i am not afraid of mine, for he that shall see her by day will never break his neck to come to her in the night-time. yea, marry, said the monk, now you have hit it. let her be as ugly as ever was proserpina, she will once, by the lord g--, be overturned, and get her skin-coat shaken, if there dwell any monks near to her; for a good carpenter will make use of any kind of timber. let me be peppered with the pox, if you find not all your wives with child at your return; for the very shadow of the steeple of an abbey is fruitful. it is, said gargantua, like the water of nilus in egypt, if you believe strabo and pliny, lib. 7, cap. 3. what virtue will there be then, said the monk, in their bullets of concupiscence, their habits and their bodies? then, said grangousier, go your ways, poor men, in the name of god the creator, to whom i pray to guide you perpetually, and henceforward be not so ready to undertake these idle and unprofitable journeys. look to your families, labour every man in his vocation, instruct your children, and live as the good apostle st. paul directeth you; in doing whereof, god, his angels and sancts, will guard and protect you, and no evil or plague at any time shall befall you. then gargantua led them into the hall to take their refection; but the pilgrims did nothing but sigh, and said to gargantua, o how happy is that land which hath such a man for their lord! we have been more edified and instructed by the talk which he had with us, than by all the sermons that ever were preached in our town. this is, said gargantua, that which plato saith, lib. 5 de republ., that those commonwealths are happy, whose rulers philosophate, and whose philosophers rule. then caused he their wallets to be filled with victuals and their bottles with wine, and gave unto each of them a horse to ease them upon the way, together with some pence to live by. chapter 1.xlvi. how grangousier did very kindly entertain touchfaucet his prisoner. touchfaucet was presented unto grangousier, and by him examined upon the enterprise and attempt of picrochole, what it was he could pretend to, or aim at, by the rustling stir and tumultuary coil of this his sudden invasion. whereunto he answered, that his end and purpose was to conquer all the country, if he could, for the injury done to his cake-bakers. it is too great an undertaking, said grangousier; and, as the proverb is, he that grips too much, holds fast but little. the time is not now as formerly, to conquer the kingdoms of our neighbour princes, and to build up our own greatness upon the loss of our nearest christian brother. this imitation of the ancient herculeses, alexanders, hannibals, scipios, caesars, and other such heroes, is quite contrary to the profession of the gospel of christ, by which we are commanded to preserve, keep, rule, and govern every man his own country and lands, and not in a hostile manner to invade others; and that which heretofore the barbars and saracens called prowess and valour, we do now call robbing, thievery, and wickedness. it would have been more commendable in him to have contained himself within the bounds of his own territories, royally governing them, than to insult and domineer in mine, pillaging and plundering everywhere like a most unmerciful enemy; for, by ruling his own with discretion, he might have increased his greatness, but by robbing me he cannot escape destruction. go your ways in the name of god, prosecute good enterprises, show your king what is amiss, and never counsel him with regard unto your own particular profit, for the public loss will swallow up the private benefit. as for your ransom, i do freely remit it to you, and will that your arms and horse be restored to you; so should good neighbours do, and ancient friends, seeing this our difference is not properly war. as plato, lib. 5 de repub., would not have it called war, but sedition, when the greeks took up arms against one another, and that therefore, when such combustions should arise amongst them, his advice was to behave themselves in the managing of them with all discretion and modesty. although you call it war, it is but superficial; it entereth not into the closet and inmost cabinet of our hearts. for neither of us hath been wronged in his honour, nor is there any question betwixt us in the main, but only how to redress, by the bye, some petty faults committed by our men,--i mean, both yours and ours, which, although you knew, you ought to let pass; for these quarrelsome persons deserve rather to be contemned than mentioned, especially seeing i offered them satisfaction according to the wrong. god shall be the just judge of our variances, whom i beseech by death rather to take me out of this life, and to permit my goods to perish and be destroyed before mine eyes, than that by me or mine he should in any sort be wronged. these words uttered, he called the monk, and before them all thus spoke unto him, friar john, my good friend, it is you that took prisoner the captain touchfaucet here present? sir, said the monk, seeing himself is here, and that he is of the years of discretion, i had rather you should know it by his confession than by any words of mine. then said touchfaucet, my sovereign lord it is he indeed that took me, and i do therefore most freely yield myself his prisoner. have you put him to any ransom? said grangousier to the monk. no, said the monk, of that i take no care. how much would you have for having taken him? nothing, nothing, said the monk; i am not swayed by that, nor do i regard it. then grangousier commanded that, in presence of touchfaucet, should be delivered to the monk for taking him the sum of three score and two thousand saluts (in english money, fifteen thousand and five hundred pounds), which was done, whilst they made a collation or little banquet to the said touchfaucet, of whom grangousier asked if he would stay with him, or if he loved rather to return to his king. touchfaucet answered that he was content to take whatever course he would advise him to. then, said grangousier, return unto your king, and god be with you. then he gave him an excellent sword of a vienne blade, with a golden scabbard wrought with vine-branch-like flourishes, of fair goldsmith's work, and a collar or neck-chain of gold, weighing seven hundred and two thousand marks (at eight ounces each), garnished with precious stones of the finest sort, esteemed at a hundred and sixty thousand ducats, and ten thousand crowns more, as an honourable donative, by way of present. after this talk touchfaucet got to his horse, and gargantua for his safety allowed him the guard of thirty men-at-arms and six score archers to attend him, under the conduct of gymnast, to bring him even unto the gate of the rock clermond, if there were need. as soon as he was gone, the monk restored unto grangousier the three score and two thousand saluts which he had received, saying, sir, it is not as yet the time for you to give such gifts; stay till this war be at an end, for none can tell what accidents may occur, and war begun without good provision of money beforehand for going through with it, is but as a breathing of strength, and blast that will quickly pass away. coin is the sinews of war. well then, said grangousier, at the end i will content you by some honest recompense, as also all those who shall do me good service. chapter 1.xlvii. how grangousier sent for his legions, and how touchfaucet slew rashcalf, and was afterwards executed by the command of picrochole. about this same time those of besse, of the old market, of st. james' bourg, of the draggage, of parille, of the rivers, of the rocks st. pol, of the vaubreton, of pautille, of the brehemont, of clainbridge, of cravant, of grammont, of the town at the badgerholes, of huymes, of segre, of husse, of st. lovant, of panzoust, of the coldraux, of verron, of coulaines, of chose, of varenes, of bourgueil, of the bouchard island, of the croullay, of narsay, of cande, of montsoreau, and other bordering places, sent ambassadors unto grangousier, to tell him that they were advised of the great wrongs which picrochole had done him, and, in regard of their ancient confederacy, offered him what assistance they could afford, both in men, money, victuals, and ammunition, and other necessaries for war. the money which by the joint agreement of them all was sent unto him, amounted to six score and fourteen millions, two crowns and a half of pure gold. the forces wherewith they did assist him did consist in fifteen thousand cuirassiers, two-and-thirty thousand light horsemen, four score and nine thousand dragoons, and a hundred-and-forty thousand volunteer adventurers. these had with them eleven thousand and two hundred cannons, double cannons, long pieces of artillery called basilisks, and smaller sized ones known by the name of spirols, besides the mortar-pieces and grenadoes. of pioneers they had seven-and-forty thousand, all victualled and paid for six months and four days of advance. which offer gargantua did not altogether refuse, nor wholly accept of; but, giving them hearty thanks, said that he would compose and order the war by such a device, that there should not be found great need to put so many honest men to trouble in the managing of it; and therefore was content at that time to give order only for bringing along the legions which he maintained in his ordinary garrison towns of the deviniere, of chavigny, of gravot, and of the quinquenais, amounting to the number of two thousand cuirassiers, three score and six thousand foot-soldiers, six-and-twenty thousand dragoons, attended by two hundred pieces of great ordnance, two-and-twenty thousand pioneers, and six thousand light horsemen, all drawn up in troops, so well befitted and accommodated with their commissaries, sutlers, farriers, harness-makers, and other such like necessary members in a military camp, so fully instructed in the art of warfare, so perfectly knowing and following their colours, so ready to hear and obey their captains, so nimble to run, so strong at their charging, so prudent in their adventures, and every day so well disciplined, that they seemed rather to be a concert of organ-pipes, or mutual concord of the wheels of a clock, than an infantry and cavalry, or army of soldiers. touchfaucet immediately after his return presented himself before picrochole, and related unto him at large all that he had done and seen, and at last endeavoured to persuade him with strong and forcible arguments to capitulate and make an agreement with grangousier, whom he found to be the honestest man in the world; saying further, that it was neither right nor reason thus to trouble his neighbours, of whom they had never received anything but good. and in regard of the main point, that they should never be able to go through stitch with that war, but to their great damage and mischief; for the forces of picrochole were not so considerable but that grangousier could easily overthrow them. he had not well done speaking when rashcalf said out aloud, unhappy is that prince which is by such men served, who are so easily corrupted, as i know touchfaucet is. for i see his courage so changed that he had willingly joined with our enemies to fight against us and betray us, if they would have received him; but as virtue is of all, both friends and foes, praised and esteemed, so is wickedness soon known and suspected, and although it happen the enemies to make use thereof for their profit, yet have they always the wicked and the traitors in abomination. touchfaucet being at these words very impatient, drew out his sword, and therewith ran rashcalf through the body, a little under the nipple of his left side, whereof he died presently, and pulling back his sword out of his body said boldly, so let him perish that shall a faithful servant blame. picrochole incontinently grew furious, and seeing touchfaucet's new sword and his scabbard so richly diapered with flourishes of most excellent workmanship, said, did they give thee this weapon so feloniously therewith to kill before my face my so good friend rashcalf? then immediately commanded he his guard to hew him in pieces, which was instantly done, and that so cruelly that the chamber was all dyed with blood. afterwards he appointed the corpse of rashcalf to be honourably buried, and that of touchfaucet to be cast over the walls into the ditch. the news of these excessive violences were quickly spread through all the army; whereupon many began to murmur against picrochole, in so far that pinchpenny said to him, my sovereign lord, i know not what the issue of this enterprise will be. i see your men much dejected, and not well resolved in their minds, by considering that we are here very ill provided of victual, and that our number is already much diminished by three or four sallies. furthermore, great supplies and recruits come daily in to your enemies; but we so moulder away that, if we be once besieged, i do not see how we can escape a total destruction. tush, pish, said picrochole, you are like the melun eels, you cry before they come to you. let them come, let them come, if they dare. chapter 1.xlviii. how gargantua set upon picrochole within the rock clermond, and utterly defeated the army of the said picrochole. gargantua had the charge of the whole army, and his father grangousier stayed in his castle, who, encouraging them with good words, promised great rewards unto those that should do any notable service. having thus set forward, as soon as they had gained the pass at the ford of vede, with boats and bridges speedily made they passed over in a trice. then considering the situation of the town, which was on a high and advantageous place, gargantua thought fit to call his council, and pass that night in deliberation upon what was to be done. but gymnast said unto him, my sovereign lord, such is the nature and complexion of the french, that they are worth nothing but at the first push. then are they more fierce than devils. but if they linger a little and be wearied with delays, they'll prove more faint and remiss than women. my opinion is, therefore, that now presently, after your men have taken breath and some small refection, you give order for a resolute assault, and that we storm them instantly. his advice was found very good, and for effectuating thereof he brought forth his army into the plain field, and placed the reserves on the skirt or rising of a little hill. the monk took along with him six companies of foot and two hundred horsemen well armed, and with great diligence crossed the marsh, and valiantly got upon the top of the green hillock even unto the highway which leads to loudun. whilst the assault was thus begun, picrochole's men could not tell well what was best, to issue out and receive the assailants, or keep within the town and not to stir. himself in the mean time, without deliberation, sallied forth in a rage with the cavalry of his guard, who were forthwith received and royally entertained with great cannon-shot that fell upon them like hail from the high grounds on which the artillery was planted. whereupon the gargantuists betook themselves unto the valleys, to give the ordnance leave to play and range with the larger scope. those of the town defended themselves as well as they could, but their shot passed over us without doing us any hurt at all. some of picrochole's men that had escaped our artillery set most fiercely upon our soldiers, but prevailed little; for they were all let in betwixt the files, and there knocked down to the ground, which their fellow-soldiers seeing, they would have retreated, but the monk having seized upon the pass by the which they were to return, they ran away and fled in all the disorder and confusion that could be imagined. some would have pursued after them and followed the chase, but the monk withheld them, apprehending that in their pursuit the pursuers might lose their ranks, and so give occasion to the besieged to sally out of the town upon them. then staying there some space and none coming against him, he sent the duke phrontist to advise gargantua to advance towards the hill upon the left hand, to hinder picrochole's retreat at that gate; which gargantua did with all expedition, and sent thither four brigades under the conduct of sebast, which had no sooner reached the top of the hill, but they met picrochole in the teeth, and those that were with him scattered. then charged they upon them stoutly, yet were they much endamaged by those that were upon the walls, who galled them with all manner of shot, both from the great ordnance, small guns, and bows. which gargantua perceiving, he went with a strong party to their relief, and with his artillery began to thunder so terribly upon that canton of the wall, and so long, that all the strength within the town, to maintain and fill up the breach, was drawn thither. the monk seeing that quarter which he kept besieged void of men and competent guards, and in a manner altogether naked and abandoned, did most magnanimously on a sudden lead up his men towards the fort, and never left it till he had got up upon it, knowing that such as come to the reserve in a conflict bring with them always more fear and terror than those that deal about them with they hands in the fight. nevertheless, he gave no alarm till all his soldiers had got within the wall, except the two hundred horsemen, whom he left without to secure his entry. then did he give a most horrible shout, so did all these who were with him, and immediately thereafter, without resistance, putting to the edge of the sword the guard that was at that gate, they opened it to the horsemen, with whom most furiously they altogether ran towards the east gate, where all the hurlyburly was, and coming close upon them in the rear overthrew all their forces. the besieged, seeing that the gargantuists had won the town upon them, and that they were like to be secure in no corner of it, submitted themselves unto the mercy of the monk, and asked for quarter, which the monk very nobly granted to them, yet made them lay down their arms; then, shutting them up within churches, gave order to seize upon all the staves of the crosses, and placed men at the doors to keep them from coming forth. then opening that east gate, he issued out to succour and assist gargantua. but picrochole, thinking it had been some relief coming to him from the town, adventured more forwardly than before, and was upon the giving of a most desperate home-charge, when gargantua cried out, ha, friar john, my friend friar john, you are come in a good hour. which unexpected accident so affrighted picrochole and his men, that, giving all for lost, they betook themselves to their heels, and fled on all hands. gargantua chased them till they came near to vaugaudry, killing and slaying all the way, and then sounded the retreat. chapter 1.xlix. how picrochole in his flight fell into great misfortunes, and what gargantua did after the battle. picrochole thus in despair fled towards the bouchard island, and in the way to riviere his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he on a sudden was so incensed, that he with his sword without more ado killed him in his choler; then, not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have taken an ass at the mill that was thereby; but the miller's men did so baste his bones and so soundly bethwack him that they made him both black and blue with strokes; then stripping him of all his clothes, gave him a scurvy old canvas jacket wherewith to cover his nakedness. thus went along this poor choleric wretch, who, passing the water at port-huaulx, and relating his misadventurous disasters, was foretold by an old lourpidon hag that his kingdom should be restored to him at the coming of the cocklicranes, which she called coquecigrues. what is become of him since we cannot certainly tell, yet was i told that he is now a porter at lyons, as testy and pettish in humour as ever he was before, and would be always with great lamentation inquiring at all strangers of the coming of the cocklicranes, expecting assuredly, according to the old woman's prophecy, that at their coming he shall be re-established in his kingdom. the first thing gargantua did after his return into the town was to call the muster-roll of his men, which when he had done, he found that there were very few either killed or wounded, only some few foot of captain tolmere's company, and ponocrates, who was shot with a musket-ball through the doublet. then he caused them all at and in their several posts and divisions to take a little refreshment, which was very plenteously provided for them in the best drink and victuals that could be had for money, and gave order to the treasurers and commissaries of the army to pay for and defray that repast, and that there should be no outrage at all nor abuse committed in the town, seeing it was his own. and furthermore commanded, that immediately after the soldiers had done with eating and drinking for that time sufficiently and to their own hearts' desire, a gathering should be beaten for bringing them altogether, to be drawn up on the piazza before the castle, there to receive six months' pay completely. all which was done. after this, by his direction, were brought before him in the said place all those that remained of picrochole's party, unto whom, in the presence of the princes, nobles, and officers of his court and army, he spoke as followeth. chapter 1.l. gargantua's speech to the vanquished. our forefathers and ancestors of all times have been of this nature and disposition, that, upon the winning of a battle, they have chosen rather, for a sign and memorial of their triumphs and victories, to erect trophies and monuments in the hearts of the vanquished by clemency than by architecture in the lands which they had conquered. for they did hold in greater estimation the lively remembrance of men purchased by liberality than the dumb inscription of arches, pillars, and pyramids, subject to the injury of storms and tempests, and to the envy of everyone. you may very well remember of the courtesy which by them was used towards the bretons in the battle of st. aubin of cormier and at the demolishing of partenay. you have heard, and hearing admire, their gentle comportment towards those at the barriers (the barbarians) of spaniola, who had plundered, wasted, and ransacked the maritime borders of olone and thalmondois. all this hemisphere of the world was filled with the praises and congratulations which yourselves and your fathers made, when alpharbal, king of canarre, not satisfied with his own fortunes, did most furiously invade the land of onyx, and with cruel piracies molest all the armoric islands and confine regions of britany. yet was he in a set naval fight justly taken and vanquished by my father, whom god preserve and protect. but what? whereas other kings and emperors, yea, those who entitle themselves catholics, would have dealt roughly with him, kept him a close prisoner, and put him to an extreme high ransom, he entreated him very courteously, lodged him kindly with himself in his own palace, and out of his incredible mildness and gentle disposition sent him back with a safe conduct, laden with gifts, laden with favours, laden with all offices of friendship. what fell out upon it? being returned into his country, he called a parliament, where all the princes and states of his kingdom being assembled, he showed them the humanity which he had found in us, and therefore wished them to take such course by way of compensation therein as that the whole world might be edified by the example, as well of their honest graciousness to us as of our gracious honesty towards them. the result hereof was, that it was voted and decreed by an unanimous consent, that they should offer up entirely their lands, dominions, and kingdoms, to be disposed of by us according to our pleasure. alpharbal in his own person presently returned with nine thousand and thirty-eight great ships of burden, bringing with him the treasures, not only of his house and royal lineage, but almost of all the country besides. for he embarking himself, to set sail with a west-north-east wind, everyone in heaps did cast into the ship gold, silver, rings, jewels, spices, drugs, and aromatical perfumes, parrots, pelicans, monkeys, civet-cats, black-spotted weasels, porcupines, &c. he was accounted no good mother's son that did not cast in all the rare and precious things he had. being safely arrived, he came to my said father, and would have kissed his feet. that action was found too submissively low, and therefore was not permitted, but in exchange he was most cordially embraced. he offered his presents; they were not received, because they were too excessive: he yielded himself voluntarily a servant and vassal, and was content his whole posterity should be liable to the same bondage; this was not accepted of, because it seemed not equitable: he surrendered, by virtue of the decree of his great parliamentary council, his whole countries and kingdoms to him, offering the deed and conveyance, signed, sealed, and ratified by all those that were concerned in it; this was altogether refused, and the parchments cast into the fire. in end, this free goodwill and simple meaning of the canarians wrought such tenderness in my father's heart that he could not abstain from shedding tears, and wept most profusely; then, by choice words very congruously adapted, strove in what he could to diminish the estimation of the good offices which he had done them, saying, that any courtesy he had conferred upon them was not worth a rush, and what favour soever he had showed them he was bound to do it. but so much the more did alpharbal augment the repute thereof. what was the issue? whereas for his ransom, in the greatest extremity of rigour and most tyrannical dealing, could not have been exacted above twenty times a hundred thousand crowns, and his eldest sons detained as hostages till that sum had been paid, they made themselves perpetual tributaries, and obliged to give us every year two millions of gold at four-and-twenty carats fine. the first year we received the whole sum of two millions; the second year of their own accord they paid freely to us three-and-twenty hundred thousand crowns; the third year, six-and-twenty hundred thousand; the fourth year, three millions, and do so increase it always out of their own goodwill that we shall be constrained to forbid them to bring us any more. this is the nature of gratitude and true thankfulness. for time, which gnaws and diminisheth all things else, augments and increaseth benefits; because a noble action of liberality, done to a man of reason, doth grow continually by his generous thinking of it and remembering it. being unwilling therefore any way to degenerate from the hereditary mildness and clemency of my parents, i do now forgive you, deliver you from all fines and imprisonments, fully release you, set you at liberty, and every way make you as frank and free as ever you were before. moreover, at your going out of the gate, you shall have every one of you three months' pay to bring you home into your houses and families, and shall have a safe convoy of six hundred cuirassiers and eight thousand foot under the conduct of alexander, esquire of my body, that the clubmen of the country may not do you any injury. god be with you! i am sorry from my heart that picrochole is not here; for i would have given him to understand that this war was undertaken against my will and without any hope to increase either my goods or renown. but seeing he is lost, and that no man can tell where nor how he went away, it is my will that his kingdom remain entire to his son; who, because he is too young, he not being yet full five years old, shall be brought up and instructed by the ancient princes and learned men of the kingdom. and because a realm thus desolate may easily come to ruin, if the covetousness and avarice of those who by their places are obliged to administer justice in it be not curbed and restrained, i ordain and will have it so, that ponocrates be overseer and superintendent above all his governors, with whatever power and authority is requisite thereto, and that he be continually with the child until he find him able and capable to rule and govern by himself. now i must tell you, that you are to understand how a too feeble and dissolute facility in pardoning evildoers giveth them occasion to commit wickedness afterwards more readily, upon this pernicious confidence of receiving favour. i consider that moses, the meekest man that was in his time upon the earth, did severely punish the mutinous and seditious people of israel. i consider likewise that julius caesar, who was so gracious an emperor that cicero said of him that his fortune had nothing more excellent than that he could, and his virtue nothing better than that he would always save and pardon every man--he, notwithstanding all this, did in certain places most rigorously punish the authors of rebellion. after the example of these good men, it is my will and pleasure that you deliver over unto me before you depart hence, first, that fine fellow marquet, who was the prime cause, origin, and groundwork of this war by his vain presumption and overweening; secondly, his fellow cake-bakers, who were neglective in checking and reprehending his idle hairbrained humour in the instant time; and lastly, all the councillors, captains, officers, and domestics of picrochole, who had been incendiaries or fomenters of the war by provoking, praising, or counselling him to come out of his limits thus to trouble us. chapter 1.li. how the victorious gargantuists were recompensed after the battle. when gargantua had finished his speech, the seditious men whom he required were delivered up unto him, except swashbuckler, dirt-tail, and smalltrash, who ran away six hours before the battle--one of them as far as to lainiel-neck at one course, another to the valley of vire, and the third even unto logroine, without looking back or taking breath by the way--and two of the cake-bakers who were slain in the fight. gargantua did them no other hurt but that he appointed them to pull at the presses of his printing-house which he had newly set up. then those who died there he caused to be honourably buried in black-soile valley and burn-hag field, and gave order that the wounded should be dressed and had care of in his great hospital or nosocome. after this, considering the great prejudice done to the town and its inhabitants, he reimbursed their charges and repaired all the losses that by their confession upon oath could appear they had sustained; and, for their better defence and security in times coming against all sudden uproars and invasions, commanded a strong citadel to be built there with a competent garrison to maintain it. at his departure he did very graciously thank all the soldiers of the brigades that had been at this overthrow, and sent them back to their winter-quarters in their several stations and garrisons; the decumane legion only excepted, whom in the field on that day he saw do some great exploit, and their captains also, whom he brought along with himself unto grangousier. at the sight and coming of them, the good man was so joyful, that it is not possible fully to describe it. he made them a feast the most magnificent, plentiful, and delicious that ever was seen since the time of the king ahasuerus. at the taking up of the table he distributed amongst them his whole cupboard of plate, which weighed eight hundred thousand and fourteen bezants (each bezant is worth five pounds english money.) of gold, in great antique vessels, huge pots, large basins, big tasses, cups, goblets, candlesticks, comfit-boxes, and other such plate, all of pure massy gold, besides the precious stones, enamelling, and workmanship, which by all men's estimation was more worth than the matter of the gold. then unto every one of them out of his coffers caused he to be given the sum of twelve hundred thousand crowns ready money. and, further, he gave to each of them for ever and in perpetuity, unless he should happen to decease without heirs, such castles and neighbouring lands of his as were most commodious for them. to ponocrates he gave the rock clermond; to gymnast, the coudray; to eudemon, montpensier; rivau, to tolmere, to ithibolle, montsoreau; to acamas, cande; varenes, to chironacte; gravot, to sebast; quinquenais, to alexander; legre, to sophrone, and so of his other places. chapter 1.lii. how gargantua caused to be built for the monk the abbey of theleme. there was left only the monk to provide for, whom gargantua would have made abbot of seville, but he refused it. he would have given him the abbey of bourgueil, or of sanct florent, which was better, or both, if it pleased him; but the monk gave him a very peremptory answer, that he would never take upon him the charge nor government of monks. for how shall i be able, said he, to rule over others, that have not full power and command of myself? if you think i have done you, or may hereafter do any acceptable service, give me leave to found an abbey after my own mind and fancy. the motion pleased gargantua very well, who thereupon offered him all the country of theleme by the river of loire till within two leagues of the great forest of port-huaulx. the monk then requested gargantua to institute his religious order contrary to all others. first, then, said gargantua, you must not build a wall about your convent, for all other abbeys are strongly walled and mured about. see, said the monk, and not without cause (seeing wall and mur signify but one and the same thing); where there is mur before and mur behind, there is store of murmur, envy, and mutual conspiracy. moreover, seeing there are certain convents in the world whereof the custom is, if any woman come in, i mean chaste and honest women, they immediately sweep the ground which they have trod upon; therefore was it ordained, that if any man or woman entered into religious orders should by chance come within this new abbey, all the rooms should be thoroughly washed and cleansed through which they had passed. and because in all other monasteries and nunneries all is compassed, limited, and regulated by hours, it was decreed that in this new structure there should be neither clock nor dial, but that according to the opportunities and incident occasions all their hours should be disposed of; for, said gargantua, the greatest loss of time that i know is to count the hours. what good comes of it? nor can there be any greater dotage in the world than for one to guide and direct his courses by the sound of a bell, and not by his own judgment and discretion. item, because at that time they put no women into nunneries but such as were either purblind, blinkards, lame, crooked, ill-favoured, misshapen, fools, senseless, spoiled, or corrupt; nor encloistered any men but those that were either sickly, subject to defluxions, ill-bred louts, simple sots, or peevish trouble-houses. but to the purpose, said the monk. a woman that is neither fair nor good, to what use serves she? to make a nun of, said gargantua. yea, said the monk, and to make shirts and smocks. therefore was it ordained that into this religious order should be admitted no women that were not fair, well-featured, and of a sweet disposition; nor men that were not comely, personable, and well conditioned. item, because in the convents of women men come not but underhand, privily, and by stealth, it was therefore enacted that in this house there shall be no women in case there be not men, nor men in case there be not women. item, because both men and women that are received into religious orders after the expiring of their noviciate or probation year were constrained and forced perpetually to stay there all the days of their life, it was therefore ordered that all whatever, men or women, admitted within this abbey, should have full leave to depart with peace and contentment whensoever it should seem good to them so to do. item, for that the religious men and women did ordinarily make three vows, to wit, those of chastity, poverty, and obedience, it was therefore constituted and appointed that in this convent they might be honourably married, that they might be rich, and live at liberty. in regard of the legitimate time of the persons to be initiated, and years under and above which they were not capable of reception, the women were to be admitted from ten till fifteen, and the men from twelve till eighteen. chapter 1.liii. how the abbey of the thelemites was built and endowed. for the fabric and furniture of the abbey gargantua caused to be delivered out in ready money seven-and-twenty hundred thousand, eight hundred and one-and-thirty of those golden rams of berry which have a sheep stamped on the one side and a flowered cross on the other; and for every year, until the whole work were completed, he allotted threescore nine thousand crowns of the sun, and as many of the seven stars, to be charged all upon the receipt of the custom. for the foundation and maintenance thereof for ever, he settled a perpetual fee-farm-rent of three-and-twenty hundred, three score and nine thousand, five hundred and fourteen rose nobles, exempted from all homage, fealty, service, or burden whatsoever, and payable every year at the gate of the abbey; and of this by letters patent passed a very good grant. the architecture was in a figure hexagonal, and in such a fashion that in every one of the six corners there was built a great round tower of threescore foot in diameter, and were all of a like form and bigness. upon the north side ran along the river of loire, on the bank whereof was situated the tower called arctic. going towards the east, there was another called calaer,--the next following anatole,--the next mesembrine,--the next hesperia, and the last criere. every tower was distant from other the space of three hundred and twelve paces. the whole edifice was everywhere six storeys high, reckoning the cellars underground for one. the second was arched after the fashion of a basket-handle; the rest were ceiled with pure wainscot, flourished with flanders fretwork, in the form of the foot of a lamp, and covered above with fine slates, with an endorsement of lead, carrying the antique figures of little puppets and animals of all sorts, notably well suited to one another, and gilt, together with the gutters, which, jutting without the walls from betwixt the crossbars in a diagonal figure, painted with gold and azure, reached to the very ground, where they ended into great conduit-pipes, which carried all away unto the river from under the house. this same building was a hundred times more sumptuous and magnificent than ever was bonnivet, chambourg, or chantilly; for there were in it nine thousand, three hundred and two-and-thirty chambers, every one whereof had a withdrawing-room, a handsome closet, a wardrobe, an oratory, and neat passage, leading into a great and spacious hall. between every tower in the midst of the said body of building there was a pair of winding, such as we now call lantern stairs, whereof the steps were part of porphyry, which is a dark red marble spotted with white, part of numidian stone, which is a kind of yellowishly-streaked marble upon various colours, and part of serpentine marble, with light spots on a dark green ground, each of those steps being two-and-twenty foot in length and three fingers thick, and the just number of twelve betwixt every rest, or, as we now term it, landing-place. in every resting-place were two fair antique arches where the light came in: and by those they went into a cabinet, made even with and of the breadth of the said winding, and the reascending above the roofs of the house ended conically in a pavilion. by that vise or winding they entered on every side into a great hall, and from the halls into the chambers. from the arctic tower unto the criere were the fair great libraries in greek, latin, hebrew, french, italian, and spanish, respectively distributed in their several cantons, according to the diversity of these languages. in the midst there was a wonderful scalier or winding-stair, the entry whereof was without the house, in a vault or arch six fathom broad. it was made in such symmetry and largeness that six men-at-arms with their lances in their rests might together in a breast ride all up to the very top of all the palace. from the tower anatole to the mesembrine were fair spacious galleries, all coloured over and painted with the ancient prowesses, histories, and descriptions of the world. in the midst thereof there was likewise such another ascent and gate as we said there was on the river-side. upon that gate was written in great antique letters that which followeth. chapter 1.liv. the inscription set upon the great gate of theleme. here enter not vile bigots, hypocrites, externally devoted apes, base snites, puffed-up, wry-necked beasts, worse than the huns, or ostrogoths, forerunners of baboons: cursed snakes, dissembled varlets, seeming sancts, slipshod caffards, beggars pretending wants, fat chuffcats, smell-feast knockers, doltish gulls, out-strouting cluster-fists, contentious bulls, fomenters of divisions and debates, elsewhere, not here, make sale of your deceits. your filthy trumperies stuffed with pernicious lies (not worth a bubble), would do but trouble our earthly paradise, your filthy trumperies. here enter not attorneys, barristers, nor bridle-champing law-practitioners: clerks, commissaries, scribes, nor pharisees, wilful disturbers of the people's ease: judges, destroyers, with an unjust breath, of honest men, like dogs, even unto death. your salary is at the gibbet-foot: go drink there! for we do not here fly out on those excessive courses, which may draw a waiting on your courts by suits in law. lawsuits, debates, and wrangling hence are exiled, and jangling. here we are very frolic and merry, and free from all entangling, lawsuits, debates, and wrangling. here enter not base pinching usurers, pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers, gold-graspers, coin-gripers, gulpers of mists, niggish deformed sots, who, though your chests vast sums of money should to you afford, would ne'ertheless add more unto that hoard, and yet not be content,--you clunchfist dastards, insatiable fiends, and pluto's bastards, greedy devourers, chichy sneakbill rogues, hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you ravenous dogs. you beastly-looking fellows, reason doth plainly tell us that we should not to you allot room here, but at the gallows, you beastly-looking fellows. here enter not fond makers of demurs in love adventures, peevish, jealous curs, sad pensive dotards, raisers of garboils, hags, goblins, ghosts, firebrands of household broils, nor drunkards, liars, cowards, cheaters, clowns, thieves, cannibals, faces o'ercast with frowns, nor lazy slugs, envious, covetous, nor blockish, cruel, nor too credulous,-here mangy, pocky folks shall have no place, no ugly lusks, nor persons of disgrace. grace, honour, praise, delight, here sojourn day and night. sound bodies lined with a good mind, do here pursue with might grace, honour, praise, delight. here enter you, and welcome from our hearts, all noble sparks, endowed with gallant parts. this is the glorious place, which bravely shall afford wherewith to entertain you all. were you a thousand, here you shall not want for anything; for what you'll ask we'll grant. stay here, you lively, jovial, handsome, brisk, gay, witty, frolic, cheerful, merry, frisk, spruce, jocund, courteous, furtherers of trades, and, in a word, all worthy gentle blades. blades of heroic breasts shall taste here of the feasts, both privily and civilly of the celestial guests, blades of heroic breasts. here enter you, pure, honest, faithful, true expounders of the scriptures old and new. whose glosses do not blind our reason, but make it to see the clearer, and who shut its passages from hatred, avarice, pride, factions, covenants, and all sort of vice. come, settle here a charitable faith, which neighbourly affection nourisheth. and whose light chaseth all corrupters hence, of the blest word, from the aforesaid sense. the holy sacred word, may it always afford t' us all in common, both man and woman, a spiritual shield and sword, the holy sacred word. here enter you all ladies of high birth, delicious, stately, charming, full of mirth, ingenious, lovely, miniard, proper, fair, magnetic, graceful, splendid, pleasant, rare, obliging, sprightly, virtuous, young, solacious, kind, neat, quick, feat, bright, compt, ripe, choice, dear, precious. alluring, courtly, comely, fine, complete, wise, personable, ravishing, and sweet, come joys enjoy. the lord celestial hath given enough wherewith to please us all. gold give us, god forgive us, and from all woes relieve us; that we the treasure may reap of pleasure, and shun whate'er is grievous, gold give us, god forgive us. chapter 1.lv. what manner of dwelling the thelemites had. in the middle of the lower court there was a stately fountain of fair alabaster. upon the top thereof stood the three graces, with their cornucopias, or horns of abundance, and did jet out the water at their breasts, mouth, ears, eyes, and other open passages of the body. the inside of the buildings in this lower court stood upon great pillars of chalcedony stone and porphyry marble made archways after a goodly antique fashion. within those were spacious galleries, long and large, adorned with curious pictures, the horns of bucks and unicorns: with rhinoceroses, water-horses called hippopotames, the teeth and tusks of elephants, and other things well worth the beholding. the lodging of the ladies, for so we may call those gallant women, took up all from the tower arctic unto the gate mesembrine. the men possessed the rest. before the said lodging of the ladies, that they might have their recreation, between the two first towers, on the outside, were placed the tiltyard, the barriers or lists for tournaments, the hippodrome or riding-court, the theatre or public playhouse, and natatory or place to swim in, with most admirable baths in three stages, situated above one another, well furnished with all necessary accommodation, and store of myrtle-water. by the river-side was the fair garden of pleasure, and in the midst of that the glorious labyrinth. between the two other towers were the courts for the tennis and the balloon. towards the tower criere stood the orchard full of all fruit-trees, set and ranged in a quincuncial order. at the end of that was the great park, abounding with all sort of venison. betwixt the third couple of towers were the butts and marks for shooting with a snapwork gun, an ordinary bow for common archery, or with a crossbow. the office-houses were without the tower hesperia, of one storey high. the stables were beyond the offices, and before them stood the falconry, managed by ostrich-keepers and falconers very expert in the art, and it was yearly supplied and furnished by the candians, venetians, sarmates, now called muscoviters, with all sorts of most excellent hawks, eagles, gerfalcons, goshawks, sacres, lanners, falcons, sparrowhawks, marlins, and other kinds of them, so gentle and perfectly well manned, that, flying of themselves sometimes from the castle for their own disport, they would not fail to catch whatever they encountered. the venery, where the beagles and hounds were kept, was a little farther off, drawing towards the park. all the halls, chambers, and closets or cabinets were richly hung with tapestry and hangings of divers sorts, according to the variety of the seasons of the year. all the pavements and floors were covered with green cloth. the beds were all embroidered. in every back-chamber or withdrawing-room there was a looking-glass of pure crystal set in a frame of fine gold, garnished all about with pearls, and was of such greatness that it would represent to the full the whole lineaments and proportion of the person that stood before it. at the going out of the halls which belong to the ladies' lodgings were the perfumers and trimmers through whose hands the gallants passed when they were to visit the ladies. those sweet artificers did every morning furnish the ladies' chambers with the spirit of roses, orange-flower-water, and angelica; and to each of them gave a little precious casket vapouring forth the most odoriferous exhalations of the choicest aromatical scents. chapter 1.lvi. how the men and women of the religious order of theleme were apparelled. the ladies at the foundation of this order were apparelled after their own pleasure and liking; but, since that of their own accord and free will they have reformed themselves, their accoutrement is in manner as followeth. they wore stockings of scarlet crimson, or ingrained purple dye, which reached just three inches above the knee, having a list beautified with exquisite embroideries and rare incisions of the cutter's art. their garters were of the colour of their bracelets, and circled the knee a little both over and under. their shoes, pumps, and slippers were either of red, violet, or crimson-velvet, pinked and jagged like lobster waddles. next to their smock they put on the pretty kirtle or vasquin of pure silk camlet: above that went the taffety or tabby farthingale, of white, red, tawny, grey, or of any other colour. above this taffety petticoat they had another of cloth of tissue or brocade, embroidered with fine gold and interlaced with needlework, or as they thought good, and according to the temperature and disposition of the weather had their upper coats of satin, damask, or velvet, and those either orange, tawny, green, ash-coloured, blue, yellow, bright red, crimson, or white, and so forth; or had them of cloth of gold, cloth of silver, or some other choice stuff, enriched with purl, or embroidered according to the dignity of the festival days and times wherein they wore them. their gowns, being still correspondent to the season, were either of cloth of gold frizzled with a silver-raised work; of red satin, covered with gold purl; of tabby, or taffety, white, blue, black, tawny, &c., of silk serge, silk camlet, velvet, cloth of silver, silver tissue, cloth of gold, gold wire, figured velvet, or figured satin tinselled and overcast with golden threads, in divers variously purfled draughts. in the summer some days instead of gowns they wore light handsome mantles, made either of the stuff of the aforesaid attire, or like moresco rugs, of violet velvet frizzled, with a raised work of gold upon silver purl, or with a knotted cord-work of gold embroidery, everywhere garnished with little indian pearls. they always carried a fair panache, or plume of feathers, of the colour of their muff, bravely adorned and tricked out with glistering spangles of gold. in the winter time they had their taffety gowns of all colours, as above-named, and those lined with the rich furrings of hind-wolves, or speckled lynxes, black-spotted weasels, martlet skins of calabria, sables, and other costly furs of an inestimable value. their beads, rings, bracelets, collars, carcanets, and neck-chains were all of precious stones, such as carbuncles, rubies, baleus, diamonds, sapphires, emeralds, turquoises, garnets, agates, beryls, and excellent margarites. their head-dressing also varied with the season of the year, according to which they decked themselves. in winter it was of the french fashion; in the spring, of the spanish; in summer, of the fashion of tuscany, except only upon the holy days and sundays, at which times they were accoutred in the french mode, because they accounted it more honourable and better befitting the garb of a matronal pudicity. the men were apparelled after their fashion. their stockings were of tamine or of cloth serge, of white, black, scarlet, or some other ingrained colour. their breeches were of velvet, of the same colour with their stockings, or very near, embroidered and cut according to their fancy. their doublet was of cloth of gold, of cloth of silver, of velvet, satin, damask, taffeties, &c., of the same colours, cut, embroidered, and suitably trimmed up in perfection. the points were of silk of the same colours; the tags were of gold well enamelled. their coats and jerkins were of cloth of gold, cloth of silver, gold, tissue or velvet embroidered, as they thought fit. their gowns were every whit as costly as those of the ladies. their girdles were of silks, of the colour of their doublets. every one had a gallant sword by his side, the hilt and handle whereof were gilt, and the scabbard of velvet, of the colour of his breeches, with a chape of gold, and pure goldsmith's work. the dagger was of the same. their caps or bonnets were of black velvet, adorned with jewels and buttons of gold. upon that they wore a white plume, most prettily and minion-like parted by so many rows of gold spangles, at the end whereof hung dangling in a more sparkling resplendency fair rubies, emeralds, diamonds, &c., but there was such a sympathy betwixt the gallants and the ladies, that every day they were apparelled in the same livery. and that they might not miss, there were certain gentlemen appointed to tell the youths every morning what vestments the ladies would on that day wear: for all was done according to the pleasure of the ladies. in these so handsome clothes, and habiliments so rich, think not that either one or other of either sex did waste any time at all; for the masters of the wardrobes had all their raiments and apparel so ready for every morning, and the chamber-ladies so well skilled, that in a trice they would be dressed and completely in their clothes from head to foot. and to have those accoutrements with the more conveniency, there was about the wood of theleme a row of houses of the extent of half a league, very neat and cleanly, wherein dwelt the goldsmiths, lapidaries, jewellers, embroiderers, tailors, gold-drawers, velvet-weavers, tapestry-makers and upholsterers, who wrought there every one in his own trade, and all for the aforesaid jolly friars and nuns of the new stamp. they were furnished with matter and stuff from the hands of the lord nausiclete, who every year brought them seven ships from the perlas and cannibal islands, laden with ingots of gold, with raw silk, with pearls and precious stones. and if any margarites, called unions, began to grow old and lose somewhat of their natural whiteness and lustre, those with their art they did renew by tendering them to eat to some pretty cocks, as they use to give casting unto hawks. chapter 1.lvii. how the thelemites were governed, and of their manner of living. all their life was spent not in laws, statutes, or rules, but according to their own free will and pleasure. they rose out of their beds when they thought good; they did eat, drink, labour, sleep, when they had a mind to it and were disposed for it. none did awake them, none did offer to constrain them to eat, drink, nor to do any other thing; for so had gargantua established it. in all their rule and strictest tie of their order there was but this one clause to be observed, do what thou wilt; because men that are free, well-born, well-bred, and conversant in honest companies, have naturally an instinct and spur that prompteth them unto virtuous actions, and withdraws them from vice, which is called honour. those same men, when by base subjection and constraint they are brought under and kept down, turn aside from that noble disposition by which they formerly were inclined to virtue, to shake off and break that bond of servitude wherein they are so tyrannously enslaved; for it is agreeable with the nature of man to long after things forbidden and to desire what is denied us. by this liberty they entered into a very laudable emulation to do all of them what they saw did please one. if any of the gallants or ladies should say, let us drink, they would all drink. if any one of them said, let us play, they all played. if one said, let us go a-walking into the fields they went all. if it were to go a-hawking or a-hunting, the ladies mounted upon dainty well-paced nags, seated in a stately palfrey saddle, carried on their lovely fists, miniardly begloved every one of them, either a sparrowhawk or a laneret or a marlin, and the young gallants carried the other kinds of hawks. so nobly were they taught, that there was neither he nor she amongst them but could read, write, sing, play upon several musical instruments, speak five or six several languages, and compose in them all very quaintly, both in verse and prose. never were seen so valiant knights, so noble and worthy, so dexterous and skilful both on foot and a-horse-back, more brisk and lively, more nimble and quick, or better handling all manner of weapons than were there. never were seen ladies so proper and handsome, so miniard and dainty, less froward, or more ready with their hand and with their needle in every honest and free action belonging to that sex, than were there. for this reason, when the time came that any man of the said abbey, either at the request of his parents, or for some other cause, had a mind to go out of it, he carried along with him one of the ladies, namely, her whom he had before that chosen for his mistress, and (they) were married together. and if they had formerly in theleme lived in good devotion and amity, they did continue therein and increase it to a greater height in their state of matrimony; and did entertain that mutual love till the very last day of their life, in no less vigour and fervency than at the very day of their wedding. here must not i forget to set down unto you a riddle which was found under the ground as they were laying the foundation of the abbey, engraven in a copper plate, and it was thus as followeth. chapter 1.lviii. a prophetical riddle. poor mortals, who wait for a happy day, cheer up your hearts, and hear what i shall say: if it be lawful firmly to believe that the celestial bodies can us give wisdom to judge of things that are not yet; or if from heaven such wisdom we may get as may with confidence make us discourse of years to come, their destiny and course; i to my hearers give to understand that this next winter, though it be at hand, yea and before, there shall appear a race of men who, loth to sit still in one place, shall boldly go before all people's eyes, suborning men of divers qualities to draw them unto covenants and sides, in such a manner that, whate'er betides, they'll move you, if you give them ear, no doubt, with both your friends and kindred to fall out. they'll make a vassal to gain-stand his lord, and children their own parents; in a word, all reverence shall then be banished, no true respect to other shall be had. they'll say that every man should have his turn, both in his going forth and his return; and hereupon there shall arise such woes, such jarrings, and confused to's and fro's, that never were in history such coils set down as yet, such tumults and garboils. then shall you many gallant men see by valour stirr'd up, and youthful fervency, who, trusting too much in their hopeful time, live but a while, and perish in their prime. neither shall any, who this course shall run, leave off the race which he hath once begun, till they the heavens with noise by their contention have fill'd, and with their steps the earth's dimension. then those shall have no less authority, that have no faith, than those that will not lie; for all shall be governed by a rude, base, ignorant, and foolish multitude; the veriest lout of all shall be their judge, o horrible and dangerous deluge! deluge i call it, and that for good reason, for this shall be omitted in no season; nor shall the earth of this foul stir be free, till suddenly you in great store shall see the waters issue out, with whose streams the most moderate of all shall moistened be, and justly too; because they did not spare the flocks of beasts that innocentest are, but did their sinews and their bowels take, not to the gods a sacrifice to make, but usually to serve themselves for sport: and now consider, i do you exhort, in such commotions so continual, what rest can take the globe terrestrial? most happy then are they, that can it hold, and use it carefully as precious gold, by keeping it in gaol, whence it shall have no help but him who being to it gave. and to increase his mournful accident, the sun, before it set in th' occident, shall cease to dart upon it any light, more than in an eclipse, or in the night,-so that at once its favour shall be gone, and liberty with it be left alone. and yet, before it come to ruin thus, its quaking shall be as impetuous as aetna's was when titan's sons lay under, and yield, when lost, a fearful sound like thunder. inarime did not more quickly move, when typheus did the vast huge hills remove, and for despite into the sea them threw. thus shall it then be lost by ways not few, and changed suddenly, when those that have it to other men that after come shall leave it. then shall it be high time to cease from this so long, so great, so tedious exercise; for the great waters told you now by me, will make each think where his retreat shall be; and yet, before that they be clean disperst, you may behold in th' air, where nought was erst, the burning heat of a great flame to rise, lick up the water, and the enterprise. it resteth after those things to declare, that those shall sit content who chosen are, with all good things, and with celestial man (ne,) and richly recompensed every man: the others at the last all stripp'd shall be, that after this great work all men may see, how each shall have his due. this is their lot; o he is worthy praise that shrinketh not! no sooner was this enigmatical monument read over, but gargantua, fetching a very deep sigh, said unto those that stood by, it is not now only, i perceive, that people called to the faith of the gospel, and convinced with the certainty of evangelical truths, are persecuted. but happy is that man that shall not be scandalized, but shall always continue to the end in aiming at that mark which god by his dear son hath set before us, without being distracted or diverted by his carnal affections and depraved nature. the monk then said, what do you think in your conscience is meant and signified by this riddle? what? said gargantua,--the progress and carrying on of the divine truth. by st. goderan, said the monk, that is not my exposition. it is the style of the prophet merlin. make upon it as many grave allegories and glosses as you will, and dote upon it you and the rest of the world as long as you please; for my part, i can conceive no other meaning in it but a description of a set at tennis in dark and obscure terms. the suborners of men are the makers of matches, which are commonly friends. after the two chases are made, he that was in the upper end of the tennis-court goeth out, and the other cometh in. they believe the first that saith the ball was over or under the line. the waters are the heats that the players take till they sweat again. the cords of the rackets are made of the guts of sheep or goats. the globe terrestrial is the tennis-ball. after playing, when the game is done, they refresh themselves before a clear fire, and change their shirts; and very willingly they make all good cheer, but most merrily those that have gained. and so, farewell! end book 1 master francis rabelais five books of the lives, heroic deeds and sayings of gargantua and his son pantagruel book iv. translated into english by sir thomas urquhart of cromarty and peter antony motteux the text of the first two books of rabelais has been reprinted from the first edition (1653) of urquhart's translation. footnotes initialled 'm.' are drawn from the maitland club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the translator. urquhart's translation of book iii. appeared posthumously in 1693, with a new edition of books i. and ii., under motteux's editorship. motteux's rendering of books iv. and v. followed in 1708. occasionally (as the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by motteux have been restored from the 1738 copy edited by ozell. the fourth book the translator's preface. reader,--i don't know what kind of a preface i must write to find thee courteous, an epithet too often bestowed without a cause. the author of this work has been as sparing of what we call good nature, as most readers are nowadays. so i am afraid his translator and commentator is not to expect much more than has been showed them. what's worse, there are but two sorts of taking prefaces, as there are but two kinds of prologues to plays; for mr. bays was doubtless in the right when he said that if thunder and lightning could not fright an audience into complaisance, the sight of the poet with a rope about his neck might work them into pity. some, indeed, have bullied many of you into applause, and railed at your faults that you might think them without any; and others, more safely, have spoken kindly of you, that you might think, or at least speak, as favourably of them, and be flattered into patience. now, i fancy, there's nothing less difficult to attempt than the first method; for, in this blessed age, 'tis as easy to find a bully without courage, as a whore without beauty, or a writer without wit; though those qualifications are so necessary in their respective professions. the mischief is, that you seldom allow any to rail besides yourselves, and cannot bear a pride which shocks your own. as for wheedling you into a liking of a work, i must confess it seems the safest way; but though flattery pleases you well when it is particular, you hate it, as little concerning you, when it is general. then we knights of the quill are a stiff-necked generation, who as seldom care to seem to doubt the worth of our writings, and their being liked, as we love to flatter more than one at a time; and had rather draw our pens, and stand up for the beauty of our works (as some arrant fools use to do for that of their mistresses) to the last drop of our ink. and truly this submission, which sometimes wheedles you into pity, as seldom decoys you into love, as the awkward cringing of an antiquated fop, as moneyless as he is ugly, affects an experienced fair one. now we as little value your pity as a lover his mistress's, well satisfied that it is only a less uncivil way of dismissing us. but what if neither of these two ways will work upon you, of which doleful truth some of our playwrights stand so many living monuments? why, then, truly i think on no other way at present but blending the two into one; and, from this marriage of huffing and cringing, there will result a new kind of careless medley, which, perhaps, will work upon both sorts of readers, those who are to be hectored, and those whom we must creep to. at least, it is like to please by its novelty; and it will not be the first monster that has pleased you when regular nature could not do it. if uncommon worth, lively wit, and deep learning, wove into wholesome satire, a bold, good, and vast design admirably pursued, truth set out in its true light, and a method how to arrive to its oracle, can recommend a work, i am sure this has enough to please any reasonable man. the three books published some time since, which are in a manner an entire work, were kindly received; yet, in the french, they come far short of these two, which are also entire pieces; for the satire is all general here, much more obvious, and consequently more entertaining. even my long explanatory preface was not thought improper. though i was so far from being allowed time to make it methodical, that at first only a few pages were intended; yet as fast as they were printed i wrote on, till it proved at last like one of those towns built little at first, then enlarged, where you see promiscuously an odd variety of all sorts of irregular buildings. i hope the remarks i give now will not please less; for, as i have translated the work which they explain, i had more time to make them, though as little to write them. it would be needless to give here a large account of my performance; for, after all, you readers care no more for this or that apology, or pretence of mr. translator, if the version does not please you, than we do for a blundering cook's excuse after he has spoiled a good dish in the dressing. nor can the first pretend to much praise, besides that of giving his author's sense in its full extent, and copying his style, if it is to be copied; since he has no share in the invention or disposition of what he translates. yet there was no small difficulty in doing rabelais justice in that double respect; the obsolete words and turns of phrase, and dark subjects, often as darkly treated, make the sense hard to be understood even by a frenchman, and it cannot be easy to give it the free easy air of an original; for even what seems most common talk in one language, is what is often the most difficult to be made so in another; and horace's thoughts of comedy may be well applied to this: creditur, ex medio quia res arcessit, habere sudoris minimum; sed habet commoedia tantum plus oneris, quanto veniae minus. far be it from me, for all this, to value myself upon hitting the words of cant in which my drolling author is so luxuriant; for though such words have stood me in good stead, i scarce can forbear thinking myself unhappy in having insensibly hoarded up so much gibberish and billingsgate trash in my memory; nor could i forbear asking of myself, as an italian cardinal said on another account, d'onde hai tu pigliato tante coglionerie? where the devil didst thou rake up all these fripperies? it was not less difficult to come up to the author's sublime expressions. nor would i have attempted such a task, but that i was ambitious of giving a view of the most valuable work of the greatest genius of his age, to the mecaenas and best genius of this. for i am not overfond of so ungrateful a task as translating, and would rejoice to see less versions and more originals; so the latter were not as bad as many of the first are, through want of encouragement. some indeed have deservedly gained esteem by translating; yet not many condescend to translate, but such as cannot invent; though to do the first well requires often as much genius as to do the latter. i wish, reader, thou mayest be as willing to do my author justice, as i have strove to do him right. yet, if thou art a brother of the quill, it is ten to one thou art too much in love with thy own dear productions to admire those of one of thy trade. however, i know three or four who have not such a mighty opinion of themselves; but i'll not name them, lest i should be obliged to place myself among them. if thou art one of those who, though they never write, criticise everyone that does; avaunt!--thou art a professed enemy of mankind and of thyself, who wilt never be pleased nor let anybody be so, and knowest no better way to fame than by striving to lessen that of others; though wouldst thou write thou mightst be soon known, even by the butterwomen, and fly through the world in bandboxes. if thou art of the dissembling tribe, it is thy office to rail at those books which thou huggest in a corner. if thou art one of those eavesdroppers, who would have their moroseness be counted gravity, thou wilt condemn a mirth which thou art past relishing; and i know no other way to quit the score than by writing (as like enough i may) something as dull, or duller than thyself, if possible. if thou art one of those critics in dressing, those extempores of fortune, who, having lost a relation and got an estate, in an instant set up for wit and every extravagance, thou'lt either praise or discommend this book, according to the dictates of some less foolish than thyself, perhaps of one of those who, being lodged at the sign of the box and dice, will know better things than to recommend to thee a work which bids thee beware of his tricks. this book might teach thee to leave thy follies; but some will say it does not signify much to some fools whether they are so or not; for when was there a fool that thought himself one? if thou art one of those who would put themselves upon us for learned men in greek and hebrew, yet are mere blockheads in english, and patch together old pieces of the ancients to get themselves clothes out of them, thou art too severely mauled in this work to like it. who then will? some will cry. nay, besides these, many societies that make a great figure in the world are reflected on in this book; which caused rabelais to study to be dark, and even bedaub it with many loose expressions, that he might not be thought to have any other design than to droll; in a manner bewraying his book that his enemies might not bite it. truly, though now the riddle is expounded, i would advise those who read it not to reflect on the author, lest he be thought to have been beforehand with them, and they be ranked among those who have nothing to show for their honesty but their money, nothing for their religion but their dissembling, or a fat benefice, nothing for their wit but their dressing, for their nobility but their title, for their gentility but their sword, for their courage but their huffing, for their preferment but their assurance, for their learning but their degrees, or for their gravity but their wrinkles or dulness. they had better laugh at one another here, as it is the custom of the world. laughing is of all professions; the miser may hoard, the spendthrift squander, the politician plot, the lawyer wrangle, and the gamester cheat; still their main design is to be able to laugh at one another; and here they may do it at a cheap and easy rate. after all, should this work fail to please the greater number of readers, i am sure it cannot miss being liked by those who are for witty mirth and a chirping bottle; though not by those solid sots who seem to have drudged all their youth long only that they might enjoy the sweet blessing of getting drunk every night in their old age. but those men of sense and honour who love truth and the good of mankind in general above all other things will undoubtedly countenance this work. i will not gravely insist upon its usefulness, having said enough of it in the preface (motteux' preface to vol. i of rabelais, ed. 1694.) to the first part. i will only add, that as homer in his odyssey makes his hero wander ten years through most parts of the then known world, so rabelais, in a three months' voyage, makes pantagruel take a view of almost all sorts of people and professions; with this difference, however, between the ancient mythologist and the modern, that while the odyssey has been compared to a setting sun in respect to the iliads, rabelais' last work, which is this voyage to the oracle of the bottle (by which he means truth) is justly thought his masterpiece, being wrote with more spirit, salt, and flame, than the first part of his works. at near seventy years of age, his genius, far from being drained, seemed to have acquired fresh vigour and new graces the more it exerted itself; like those rivers which grow more deep, large, majestic, and useful by their course. those who accuse the french of being as sparing of their wit as lavish of their words will find an englishman in our author. i must confess indeed that my countrymen and other southern nations temper the one with the other in a manner as they do their wine with water, often just dashing the latter with a little of the first. now here men love to drink their wine pure; nay, sometimes it will not satisfy unless in its very quintessence, as in brandies; though an excess of this betrays want of sobriety, as much as an excess of wit betrays a want of judgment. but i must conclude, lest i be justly taxed with wanting both. i will only add, that as every language has its peculiar graces, seldom or never to be acquired by a foreigner, i cannot think i have given my author those of the english in every place; but as none compelled me to write, i fear to ask a pardon which yet the generous temper of this nation makes me hope to obtain. albinus, a roman, who had written in greek, desired in his preface to be forgiven his faults of language; but cato asked him in derision whether any had forced him to write in a tongue of which he was not an absolute master. lucullus wrote a history in the same tongue, and said he had scattered some false greek in it to let the world know it was the work of a roman. i will not say as much of my writings, in which i study to be as little incorrect as the hurry of business and shortness of time will permit; but i may better say, as tully did of the history of his consulship, which he also had written in greek, that what errors may be found in the diction are crept in against my intent. indeed, livius andronicus and terence, the one a greek, the other a carthaginian, wrote successfully in latin, and the latter is perhaps the most perfect model of the purity and urbanity of that tongue; but i ought not to hope for the success of those great men. yet am i ambitious of being as subservient to the useful diversion of the ingenious of this nation as i can, which i have endeavoured in this work, with hopes to attempt some greater tasks if ever i am happy enough to have more leisure. in the meantime it will not displease me, if it is known that this is given by one who, though born and educated in france, has the love and veneration of a loyal subject for this nation, one who, by a fatality, which with many more made him say, nos patriam fugimus et dulcia linquimus arva, is obliged to make the language of these happy regions as natural to him as he can, and thankfully say with the rest, under this protestant government, deus nobis haec otia fecit. the author's epistle dedicatory. to the most illustrious prince and most reverend lord odet, cardinal de chastillon. you know, most illustrious prince, how often i have been, and am daily pressed and required by great numbers of eminent persons, to proceed in the pantagruelian fables; they tell me that many languishing, sick, and disconsolate persons, perusing them, have deceived their grief, passed their time merrily, and been inspired with new joy and comfort. i commonly answer that i aimed not at glory and applause when i diverted myself with writing, but only designed to give by my pen, to the absent who labour under affliction, that little help which at all times i willingly strive to give to the present that stand in need of my art and service. sometimes i at large relate to them how hippocrates in several places, and particularly in lib. 6. epidem., describing the institution of the physician his disciple, and also soranus of ephesus, oribasius, galen, hali abbas, and other authors, have descended to particulars, in the prescription of his motions, deportment, looks, countenance, gracefulness, civility, cleanliness of face, clothes, beard, hair, hands, mouth, even his very nails; as if he were to play the part of a lover in some comedy, or enter the lists to fight some enemy. and indeed the practice of physic is properly enough compared by hippocrates to a fight, and also to a farce acted between three persons, the patient, the physician, and the disease. which passage has sometimes put me in mind of julia's saying to augustus her father. one day she came before him in a very gorgeous, loose, lascivious dress, which very much displeased him, though he did not much discover his discontent. the next day she put on another, and in a modest garb, such as the chaste roman ladies wore, came into his presence. the kind father could not then forbear expressing the pleasure which he took to see her so much altered, and said to her: oh! how much more this garb becomes and is commendable in the daughter of augustus. but she, having her excuse ready, answered: this day, sir, i dressed myself to please my father's eye; yesterday, to gratify that of my husband. thus disguised in looks and garb, nay even, as formerly was the fashion, with a rich and pleasant gown with four sleeves, which was called philonium according to petrus alexandrinus in 6. epidem., a physician might answer to such as might find the metamorphosis indecent: thus have i accoutred myself, not that i am proud of appearing in such a dress, but for the sake of my patient, whom alone i wholly design to please, and no wise offend or dissatisfy. there is also a passage in our father hippocrates, in the book i have named, which causes some to sweat, dispute, and labour; not indeed to know whether the physician's frowning, discontented, and morose catonian look render the patient sad, and his joyful, serene, and pleasing countenance rejoice him; for experience teaches us that this is most certain; but whether such sensations of grief or pleasure are produced by the apprehension of the patient observing his motions and qualities in his physician, and drawing from thence conjectures of the end and catastrophe of his disease; as, by his pleasing look, joyful and desirable events, and by his sorrowful and unpleasing air, sad and dismal consequences; or whether those sensations be produced by a transfusion of the serene or gloomy, aerial or terrestrial, joyful or melancholic spirits of the physician into the person of the patient, as is the opinion of plato, averroes, and others. above all things, the forecited authors have given particular directions to physicians about the words, discourse, and converse which they ought to have with their patients; everyone aiming at one point, that is, to rejoice them without offending god, and in no wise whatsoever to vex or displease them. which causes herophilus much to blame the physician callianax, who, being asked by a patient of his, shall i die? impudently made him this answer: patroclus died, whom all allow by much a better man than you. another, who had a mind to know the state of his distemper, asking him, after our merry patelin's way: well, doctor, does not my water tell you i shall die? he foolishly answered, no; if latona, the mother of those lovely twins, phoebus and diana, begot thee. galen, lib. 4, comment. 6. epidem., blames much also quintus his tutor, who, a certain nobleman of rome, his patient, saying to him, you have been at breakfast, my master, your breath smells of wine; answered arrogantly, yours smells of fever; which is the better smell of the two, wine or a putrid fever? but the calumny of certain cannibals, misanthropes, perpetual eavesdroppers, has been so foul and excessive against me, that it had conquered my patience, and i had resolved not to write one jot more. for the least of their detractions were that my books are all stuffed with various heresies, of which, nevertheless, they could not show one single instance; much, indeed, of comical and facetious fooleries, neither offending god nor the king (and truly i own they are the only subject and only theme of these books), but of heresy not a word, unless they interpreted wrong, and against all use of reason and common language, what i had rather suffer a thousand deaths, if it were possible, than have thought; as who should make bread to be stone, a fish to be a serpent, and an egg to be a scorpion. this, my lord, emboldened me once to tell you, as i was complaining of it in your presence, that if i did not esteem myself a better christian than they show themselves towards me, and if my life, writings, words, nay thoughts, betrayed to me one single spark of heresy, or i should in a detestable manner fall into the snares of the spirit of detraction, diabolos, who, by their means, raises such crimes against me; i would then, like the phoenix, gather dry wood, kindle a fire, and burn myself in the midst of it. you were then pleased to say to me that king francis, of eternal memory, had been made sensible of those false accusations; and that having caused my books (mine, i say, because several, false and infamous, have been wickedly laid to me) to be carefully and distinctly read to him by the most learned and faithful anagnost in this kingdom, he had not found any passage suspicious; and that he abhorred a certain envious, ignorant, hypocritical informer, who grounded a mortal heresy on an n put instead of an m by the carelessness of the printers. as much was done by his son, our most gracious, virtuous, and blessed sovereign, henry, whom heaven long preserve! so that he granted you his royal privilege and particular protection for me against my slandering adversaries. you kindly condescended since to confirm me these happy news at paris; and also lately, when you visited my lord cardinal du bellay, who, for the benefit of his health, after a lingering distemper, was retired to st. maur, that place (or rather paradise) of salubrity, serenity, conveniency, and all desirable country pleasures. thus, my lord, under so glorious a patronage, i am emboldened once more to draw my pen, undaunted now and secure; with hopes that you will still prove to me, against the power of detraction, a second gallic hercules in learning, prudence, and eloquence; an alexicacos in virtue, power, and authority; you, of whom i may truly say what the wise monarch solomon saith of moses, that great prophet and captain of israel, ecclesiast. 45: a man fearing and loving god, who found favour in the sight of all flesh, well-beloved both of god and man; whose memorial is blessed. god made him like to the glorious saints, and magnified him so, that his enemies stood in fear of him; and for him made wonders; made him glorious in the sight of kings, gave him a commandment for his people, and by him showed his light; he sanctified him in his faithfulness and meekness, and chose him out of all men. by him he made us to hear his voice, and caused by him the law of life and knowledge to be given. accordingly, if i shall be so happy as to hear anyone commend those merry composures, they shall be adjured by me to be obliged and pay their thanks to you alone, as also to offer their prayers to heaven for the continuance and increase of your greatness; and to attribute no more to me than my humble and ready obedience to your commands; for by your most honourable encouragement you at once have inspired me with spirit and with invention; and without you my heart had failed me, and the fountain-head of my animal spirits had been dry. may the lord keep you in his blessed mercy! my lord, your most humble, and most devoted servant, francis rabelais, physician. paris, this 28th of january, mdlii. the author's prologue. good people, god save and keep you! where are you? i can't see you: stay--i'll saddle my nose with spectacles--oh, oh! 'twill be fair anon: i see you. well, you have had a good vintage, they say: this is no bad news to frank, you may swear. you have got an infallible cure against thirst: rarely performed of you, my friends! you, your wives, children, friends, and families are in as good case as hearts can wish; it is well, it is as i would have it: god be praised for it, and if such be his will, may you long be so. for my part, i am thereabouts, thanks to his blessed goodness; and by the means of a little pantagruelism (which you know is a certain jollity of mind, pickled in the scorn of fortune), you see me now hale and cheery, as sound as a bell, and ready to drink, if you will. would you know why i'm thus, good people? i will even give you a positive answer --such is the lord's will, which i obey and revere; it being said in his word, in great derision to the physician neglectful of his own health, physician, heal thyself. galen had some knowledge of the bible, and had conversed with the christians of his time, as appears lib. 11. de usu partium; lib. 2. de differentiis pulsuum, cap. 3, and ibid. lib. 3. cap. 2. and lib. de rerum affectibus (if it be galen's). yet 'twas not for any such veneration of holy writ that he took care of his own health. no, it was for fear of being twitted with the saying so well known among physicians: iatros allon autos elkesi bruon. he boasts of healing poor and rich, yet is himself all over itch. this made him boldly say, that he did not desire to be esteemed a physician, if from his twenty-eighth year to his old age he had not lived in perfect health, except some ephemerous fevers, of which he soon rid himself; yet he was not naturally of the soundest temper, his stomach being evidently bad. indeed, as he saith, lib. 5, de sanitate tuenda, that physician will hardly be thought very careful of the health of others who neglects his own. asclepiades boasted yet more than this; for he said that he had articled with fortune not to be reputed a physician if he could be said to have been sick since he began to practise physic to his latter age, which he reached, lusty in all his members and victorious over fortune; till at last the old gentleman unluckily tumbled down from the top of a certain ill-propped and rotten staircase, and so there was an end of him. if by some disaster health is fled from your worships to the right or to the left, above or below, before or behind, within or without, far or near, on this side or the other side, wheresoever it be, may you presently, with the help of the lord, meet with it. having found it, may you immediately claim it, seize it, and secure it. the law allows it; the king would have it so; nay, you have my advice for it. neither more nor less than the law-makers of old did fully empower a master to claim and seize his runaway servant wherever he might be found. odds-bodikins, is it not written and warranted by the ancient customs of this noble, so rich, so flourishing realm of france, that the dead seizes the quick? see what has been declared very lately in that point by that learned, wise, courteous, humane and just civilian, andrew tiraqueau, one of the judges in the most honourable court of parliament at paris. health is our life, as ariphron the sicyonian wisely has it; without health life is not life, it is not living life: abios bios, bios abiotos. without health life is only a languishment and an image of death. therefore, you that want your health, that is to say, that are dead, seize the quick; secure life to yourselves, that is to say, health. i have this hope in the lord, that he will hear our supplications, considering with what faith and zeal we pray, and that he will grant this our wish because it is moderate and mean. mediocrity was held by the ancient sages to be golden, that is to say, precious, praised by all men, and pleasing in all places. read the sacred bible, you will find the prayers of those who asked moderately were never unanswered. for example, little dapper zaccheus, whose body and relics the monks of st. garlick, near orleans, boast of having, and nickname him st. sylvanus; he only wished to see our blessed saviour near jerusalem. it was but a small request, and no more than anybody then might pretend to. but alas! he was but low-built; and one of so diminutive a size, among the crowd, could not so much as get a glimpse of him. well then he struts, stands on tiptoes, bustles, and bestirs his stumps, shoves and makes way, and with much ado clambers up a sycamore. upon this, the lord, who knew his sincere affection, presented himself to his sight, and was not only seen by him, but heard also; nay, what is more, he came to his house and blessed his family. one of the sons of the prophets in israel felling would near the river jordan, his hatchet forsook the helve and fell to the bottom of the river; so he prayed to have it again ('twas but a small request, mark ye me), and having a strong faith, he did not throw the hatchet after the helve, as some spirits of contradiction say by way of scandalous blunder, but the helve after the hatchet, as you all properly have it. presently two great miracles were seen: up springs the hatchet from the bottom of the water, and fixes itself to its old acquaintance the helve. now had he wished to coach it to heaven in a fiery chariot like elias, to multiply in seed like abraham, be as rich as job, strong as samson, and beautiful as absalom, would he have obtained it, d'ye think? i' troth, my friends, i question it very much. now i talk of moderate wishes in point of hatchet (but harkee me, be sure you don't forget when we ought to drink), i will tell you what is written among the apologues of wise aesop the frenchman. i mean the phrygian and trojan, as max. planudes makes him; from which people, according to the most faithful chroniclers, the noble french are descended. aelian writes that he was of thrace and agathias, after herodotus, that he was of samos; 'tis all one to frank. in his time lived a poor honest country fellow of gravot, tom wellhung by name, a wood-cleaver by trade, who in that low drudgery made shift so to pick up a sorry livelihood. it happened that he lost his hatchet. now tell me who ever had more cause to be vexed than poor tom? alas, his whole estate and life depended on his hatchet; by his hatchet he earned many a fair penny of the best woodmongers or log-merchants among whom he went a-jobbing; for want of his hatchet he was like to starve; and had death but met with him six days after without a hatchet, the grim fiend would have mowed him down in the twinkling of a bedstaff. in this sad case he began to be in a heavy taking, and called upon jupiter with the most eloquent prayers--for you know necessity was the mother of eloquence. with the whites of his eyes turned up towards heaven, down on his marrow-bones, his arms reared high, his fingers stretched wide, and his head bare, the poor wretch without ceasing was roaring out, by way of litany, at every repetition of his supplications, my hatchet, lord jupiter, my hatchet! my hatchet! only my hatchet, o jupiter, or money to buy another, and nothing else! alas, my poor hatchet! jupiter happened then to be holding a grand council about certain urgent affairs, and old gammer cybele was just giving her opinion, or, if you would rather have it so, it was young phoebus the beau; but, in short, tom's outcries and lamentations were so loud that they were heard with no small amazement at the council-board, by the whole consistory of the gods. what a devil have we below, quoth jupiter, that howls so horridly? by the mud of styx, have not we had all along, and have not we here still enough to do, to set to rights a world of damned puzzling businesses of consequence? we made an end of the fray between presthan, king of persia, and soliman the turkish emperor, we have stopped up the passages between the tartars and the muscovites; answered the xeriff's petition; done the same to that of golgots rays; the state of parma's despatched; so is that of maidenburg, that of mirandola, and that of africa, that town on the mediterranean which we call aphrodisium; tripoli by carelessness has got a new master; her hour was come. here are the gascons cursing and damning, demanding the restitution of their bells. in yonder corner are the saxons, easterlings, ostrogoths, and germans, nations formerly invincible, but now aberkeids, bridled, curbed, and brought under a paltry diminutive crippled fellow; they ask us revenge, relief, restitution of their former good sense and ancient liberty. but what shall we do with this same ramus and this galland, with a pox to them, who, surrounded with a swarm of their scullions, blackguard ragamuffins, sizars, vouchers, and stipulators, set together by the ears the whole university of paris? i am in a sad quandary about it, and for the heart's blood of me cannot tell yet with whom of the two to side. both seem to me notable fellows, and as true cods as ever pissed. the one has rose-nobles, i say fine and weighty ones; the other would gladly have some too. the one knows something; the other's no dunce. the one loves the better sort of men; the other's beloved by 'em. the one is an old cunning fox; the other with tongue and pen, tooth and nail, falls foul on the ancient orators and philosophers, and barks at them like a cur. what thinkest thou of it, say, thou bawdy priapus? i have found thy counsel just before now, et habet tua mentula mentem. king jupiter, answered priapus, standing up and taking off his cowl, his snout uncased and reared up, fiery and stiffly propped, since you compare the one to a yelping snarling cur and the other to sly reynard the fox, my advice is, with submission, that without fretting or puzzling your brains any further about 'em, without any more ado, even serve 'em both as, in the days of yore, you did the dog and the fox. how? asked jupiter; when? who were they? where was it? you have a rare memory, for aught i see! returned priapus. this right worshipful father bacchus, whom we have here nodding with his crimson phiz, to be revenged on the thebans had got a fairy fox, who, whatever mischief he did, was never to be caught or wronged by any beast that wore a head. the noble vulcan here present had framed a dog of monesian brass, and with long puffing and blowing put the spirit of life into him; he gave it to you, you gave it your miss europa, miss europa gave it minos, minos gave it procris, procris gave it cephalus. he was also of the fairy kind; so that, like the lawyers of our age, he was too hard for all other sorts of creatures; nothing could scape the dog. now who should happen to meet but these two? what do you think they did? dog by his destiny was to take fox, and fox by his fate was not to be taken. the case was brought before your council: you protested that you would not act against the fates; and the fates were contradictory. in short, the end and result of the matter was, that to reconcile two contradictions was an impossibility in nature. the very pang put you into a sweat; some drops of which happening to light on the earth, produced what the mortals call cauliflowers. all our noble consistory, for want of a categorical resolution, were seized with such a horrid thirst, that above seventy-eight hogsheads of nectar were swilled down at that sitting. at last you took my advice, and transmogrified them into stones; and immediately got rid of your perplexity, and a truce with thirst was proclaimed through this vast olympus. this was the year of flabby cods, near teumessus, between thebes and chalcis. after this manner, it is my opinion that you should petrify this dog and this fox. the metamorphosis will not be incongruous; for they both bear the name of peter. and because, according to the limosin proverb, to make an oven's mouth there must be three stones, you may associate them with master peter du coignet, whom you formerly petrified for the same cause. then those three dead pieces shall be put in an equilateral trigone somewhere in the great temple at paris--in the middle of the porch, if you will--there to perform the office of extinguishers, and with their noses put out the lighted candles, torches, tapers, and flambeaux; since, while they lived, they still lighted, ballock-like, the fire of faction, division, ballock sects, and wrangling among those idle bearded boys, the students. and this will be an everlasting monument to show that those puny self-conceited pedants, ballock-framers, were rather contemned than condemned by you. dixi, i have said my say. you deal too kindly by them, said jupiter, for aught i see, monsieur priapus. you do not use to be so kind to everybody, let me tell you; for as they seek to eternize their names, it would be much better for them to be thus changed into hard stones than to return to earth and putrefaction. but now to other matters. yonder behind us, towards the tuscan sea and the neighbourhood of mount apennine, do you see what tragedies are stirred up by certain topping ecclesiastical bullies? this hot fit will last its time, like the limosins' ovens, and then will be cooled, but not so fast. we shall have sport enough with it; but i foresee one inconveniency; for methinks we have but little store of thunder ammunition since the time that you, my fellow gods, for your pastime lavished them away to bombard new antioch, by my particular permission; as since, after your example, the stout champions who had undertaken to hold the fortress of dindenarois against all comers fairly wasted their powder with shooting at sparrows, and then, not having wherewith to defend themselves in time of need, valiantly surrendered to the enemy, who were already packing up their awls, full of madness and despair, and thought on nothing but a shameful retreat. take care this be remedied, son vulcan; rouse up your drowsy cyclopes, asteropes, brontes, arges, polyphemus, steropes, pyracmon, and so forth, set them at work, and make them drink as they ought. never spare liquor to such as are at hot work. now let us despatch this bawling fellow below. you, mercury, go see who it is, and know what he wants. mercury looked out at heaven's trapdoor, through which, as i am told, they hear what is said here below. by the way, one might well enough mistake it for the scuttle of a ship; though icaromenippus said it was like the mouth of a well. the light-heeled deity saw that it was honest tom, who asked for his lost hatchet; and accordingly he made his report to the synod. marry, said jupiter, we are finely helped up, as if we had now nothing else to do here but to restore lost hatchets. well, he must have it then for all this, for so 'tis written in the book of fate (do you hear?), as well as if it was worth the whole duchy of milan. the truth is, the fellow's hatchet is as much to him as a kingdom to a king. come, come, let no more words be scattered about it; let him have his hatchet again. now, let us make an end of the difference betwixt the levites and mole-catchers of landerousse. whereabouts were we? priapus was standing in the chimney-corner, and having heard what mercury had reported, said in a most courteous and jovial manner: king jupiter, while by your order and particular favour i was garden-keeper-general on earth, i observed that this word hatchet is equivocal to many things; for it signifies a certain instrument by the means of which men fell and cleave timber. it also signifies (at least i am sure it did formerly) a female soundly and frequently thumpthumpriggletickletwiddletobyed. thus i perceived that every cock of the game used to call his doxy his hatchet; for with that same tool (this he said lugging out and exhibiting his nine-inch knocker) they so strongly and resolutely shove and drive in their helves, that the females remain free from a fear epidemical amongst their sex, viz., that from the bottom of the male's belly the instrument should dangle at his heel for want of such feminine props. and i remember, for i have a member, and a memory too, ay, and a fine memory, large enough to fill a butter-firkin; i remember, i say, that one day of tubilustre (horn-fair) at the festivals of goodman vulcan in may, i heard josquin des prez, olkegan, hobrecht, agricola, brumel, camelin, vigoris, de la fage, bruyer, prioris, seguin, de la rue, midy, moulu, mouton, gascogne, loyset, compere, penet, fevin, rousee, richard fort, rousseau, consilion, constantio festi, jacquet bercan, melodiously singing the following catch on a pleasant green: long john to bed went to his bride, and laid a mallet by his side: what means this mallet, john? saith she. why! 'tis to wedge thee home, quoth he. alas! cried she, the man's a fool: what need you use a wooden tool? when lusty john does to me come, he never shoves but with his bum. nine olympiads, and an intercalary year after (i have a rare member, i would say memory; but i often make blunders in the symbolization and colligance of those two words), i heard adrian villart, gombert, janequin, arcadet, claudin, certon, manchicourt, auxerre, villiers, sandrin, sohier, hesdin, morales, passereau, maille, maillart, jacotin, heurteur, verdelot, carpentras, l'heritier, cadeac, doublet, vermont, bouteiller, lupi, pagnier, millet, du moulin, alaire, maraut, morpain, gendre, and other merry lovers of music, in a private garden, under some fine shady trees, round about a bulwark of flagons, gammons, pasties, with several coated quails, and laced mutton, waggishly singing: since tools without their hafts are useless lumber, and hatchets without helves are of that number; that one may go in t'other, and may match it, i'll be the helve, and thou shalt be the hatchet. now would i know what kind of hatchet this bawling tom wants? this threw all the venerable gods and goddesses into a fit of laughter, like any microcosm of flies; and even set limping vulcan a-hopping and jumping smoothly three or four times for the sake of his dear. come, come, said jupiter to mercury, run down immediately, and cast at the poor fellow's feet three hatchets: his own, another of gold, and a third of massy silver, all of one size; then having left it to his will to take his choice, if he take his own, and be satisfied with it, give him the other two; if he take another, chop his head off with his own; and henceforth serve me all those losers of hatchets after that manner. having said this, jupiter, with an awkward turn of his head, like a jackanapes swallowing of pills, made so dreadful a phiz that all the vast olympus quaked again. heaven's foot messenger, thanks to his low-crowned narrow-brimmed hat, his plume of feathers, heel-pieces, and running stick with pigeon wings, flings himself out at heaven's wicket, through the idle deserts of the air, and in a trice nimbly alights upon the earth, and throws at friend tom's feet the three hatchets, saying unto him: thou hast bawled long enough to be a-dry; thy prayers and request are granted by jupiter: see which of these three is thy hatchet, and take it away with thee. wellhung lifts up the golden hatchet, peeps upon it, and finds it very heavy; then staring on mercury, cries, codszouks, this is none of mine; i won't ha't: the same he did with the silver one, and said, 'tis not this neither, you may e'en take them again. at last he takes up his own hatchet, examines the end of the helve, and finds his mark there; then, ravished with joy, like a fox that meets some straggling poultry, and sneering from the tip of the nose, he cried, by the mass, this is my hatchet, master god; if you will leave it me, i will sacrifice to you a very good and huge pot of milk brimful, covered with fine strawberries, next ides of may. honest fellow, said mercury, i leave it thee; take it; and because thou hast wished and chosen moderately in point of hatchet, by jupiter's command i give thee these two others; thou hast now wherewith to make thyself rich: be honest. honest tom gave mercury a whole cartload of thanks, and revered the most great jupiter. his old hatchet he fastens close to his leathern girdle, and girds it above his breech like martin of cambray; the two others, being more heavy, he lays on his shoulder. thus he plods on, trudging over the fields, keeping a good countenance amongst his neighbours and fellow-parishioners, with one merry saying or other after patelin's way. the next day, having put on a clean white jacket, he takes on his back the two precious hatchets and comes to chinon, the famous city, noble city, ancient city, yea, the first city in the world, according to the judgment and assertion of the most learned massorets. at chinon he turned his silver hatchet into fine testons, crown-pieces, and other white cash; his golden hatchet into fine angels, curious ducats, substantial ridders, spankers, and rose-nobles; then with them purchases a good number of farms, barns, houses, out-houses, thatched houses, stables, meadows, orchards, fields, vineyards, woods, arable lands, pastures, ponds, mills, gardens, nurseries, oxen, cows, sheep, goats, swine, hogs, asses, horses, hens, cocks, capons, chickens, geese, ganders, ducks, drakes, and a world of all other necessaries, and in a short time became the richest man in the country, nay, even richer than that limping scrape-good maulevrier. his brother bumpkins, and the other yeomen and country-puts thereabouts, perceiving his good fortune, were not a little amazed, insomuch that their former pity of poor tom was soon changed into an envy of his so great and unexpected rise; and as they could not for their souls devise how this came about, they made it their business to pry up and down, and lay their heads together, to inquire, seek, and inform themselves by what means, in what place, on what day, what hour, how, why, and wherefore, he had come by this great treasure. at last, hearing it was by losing his hatchet, ha, ha! said they, was there no more to do but to lose a hatchet to make us rich? mum for that; 'tis as easy as pissing a bed, and will cost but little. are then at this time the revolutions of the heavens, the constellations of the firmament, and aspects of the planets such, that whosoever shall lose a hatchet shall immediately grow rich? ha, ha, ha! by jove, you shall e'en be lost, an't please you, my dear hatchet. with this they all fairly lost their hatchets out of hand. the devil of one that had a hatchet left; he was not his mother's son that did not lose his hatchet. no more was wood felled or cleaved in that country through want of hatchets. nay, the aesopian apologue even saith that certain petty country gents of the lower class, who had sold wellhung their little mill and little field to have wherewithal to make a figure at the next muster, having been told that his treasure was come to him by that only means, sold the only badge of their gentility, their swords, to purchase hatchets to go lose them, as the silly clodpates did, in hopes to gain store of chink by that loss. you would have truly sworn they had been a parcel of your petty spiritual usurers, rome-bound, selling their all, and borrowing of others, to buy store of mandates, a pennyworth of a new-made pope. now they cried out and brayed, and prayed and bawled, and lamented, and invoked jupiter: my hatchet! my hatchet! jupiter, my hatchet! on this side, my hatchet! on that side, my hatchet! ho, ho, ho, ho, jupiter, my hatchet! the air round about rung again with the cries and howlings of these rascally losers of hatchets. mercury was nimble in bringing them hatchets; to each offering that which he had lost, as also another of gold, and a third of silver. every he still was for that of gold, giving thanks in abundance to the great giver, jupiter; but in the very nick of time that they bowed and stooped to take it from the ground, whip, in a trice, mercury lopped off their heads, as jupiter had commanded; and of heads thus cut off the number was just equal to that of the lost hatchets. you see how it is now; you see how it goes with those who in the simplicity of their hearts wish and desire with moderation. take warning by this, all you greedy, fresh-water sharks, who scorn to wish for anything under ten thousand pounds; and do not for the future run on impudently, as i have sometimes heard you wishing, would to god i had now one hundred seventy-eight millions of gold! oh! how i should tickle it off. the deuce on you, what more might a king, an emperor, or a pope wish for? for that reason, indeed, you see that after you have made such hopeful wishes, all the good that comes to you of it is the itch or the scab, and not a cross in your breeches to scare the devil that tempts you to make these wishes: no more than those two mumpers, wishers after the custom of paris; one of whom only wished to have in good old gold as much as hath been spent, bought, and sold in paris, since its first foundations were laid, to this hour; all of it valued at the price, sale, and rate of the dearest year in all that space of time. do you think the fellow was bashful? had he eaten sour plums unpeeled? were his teeth on edge, i pray you? the other wished our lady's church brimful of steel needles, from the floor to the top of the roof, and to have as many ducats as might be crammed into as many bags as might be sewed with each and everyone of those needles, till they were all either broke at the point or eye. this is to wish with a vengeance! what think you of it? what did they get by't, in your opinion? why at night both my gentlemen had kibed heels, a tetter in the chin, a churchyard cough in the lungs, a catarrh in the throat, a swingeing boil at the rump, and the devil of one musty crust of a brown george the poor dogs had to scour their grinders with. wish therefore for mediocrity, and it shall be given unto you, and over and above yet; that is to say, provided you bestir yourself manfully, and do your best in the meantime. ay, but say you, god might as soon have given me seventy-eight thousand as the thirteenth part of one half; for he is omnipotent, and a million of gold is no more to him than one farthing. oh, ho! pray tell me who taught you to talk at this rate of the power and predestination of god, poor silly people? peace, tush, st, st, st! fall down before his sacred face and own the nothingness of your nothing. upon this, o ye that labour under the affliction of the gout, i ground my hopes; firmly believing, that if so it pleases the divine goodness, you shall obtain health; since you wish and ask for nothing else, at least for the present. well, stay yet a little longer with half an ounce of patience. the genoese do not use, like you, to be satisfied with wishing health alone, when after they have all the livelong morning been in a brown study, talked, pondered, ruminated, and resolved in the counting-houses of whom and how they may squeeze the ready, and who by their craft must be hooked in, wheedled, bubbled, sharped, overreached, and choused; they go to the exchange, and greet one another with a sanita e guadagno, messer! health and gain to you, sir! health alone will not go down with the greedy curmudgeons; they over and above must wish for gain, with a pox to 'em; ay, and for the fine crowns, or scudi di guadaigne; whence, heaven be praised! it happens many a time that the silly wishers and woulders are baulked, and get neither. now, my lads, as you hope for good health, cough once aloud with lungs of leather; take me off three swingeing bumpers; prick up your ears; and you shall hear me tell wonders of the noble and good pantagruel. the fourth book. chapter 4.i. how pantagruel went to sea to visit the oracle of bacbuc, alias the holy bottle. in the month of june, on vesta's holiday, the very numerical day on which brutus, conquering spain, taught its strutting dons to truckle under him, and that niggardly miser crassus was routed and knocked on the head by the parthians, pantagruel took his leave of the good gargantua, his royal father. the old gentleman, according to the laudable custom of the primitive christians, devoutly prayed for the happy voyage of his son and his whole company, and then they took shipping at the port of thalassa. pantagruel had with him panurge, friar john des entomeures, alias of the funnels, epistemon, gymnast, eusthenes, rhizotome, carpalin, cum multis aliis, his ancient servants and domestics; also xenomanes, the great traveller, who had crossed so many dangerous roads, dikes, ponds, seas, and so forth, and was come some time before, having been sent for by panurge. for certain good causes and considerations him thereunto moving, he had left with gargantua, and marked out, in his great and universal hydrographical chart, the course which they were to steer to visit the oracle of the holy bottle bacbuc. the number of ships were such as i described in the third book, convoyed by a like number of triremes, men of war, galleons, and feluccas, well-rigged, caulked, and stored with a good quantity of pantagruelion. all the officers, droggermen, pilots, captains, mates, boatswains, midshipmen, quartermasters, and sailors, met in the thalamege, pantagruel's principal flag-ship, which had in her stern for her ensign a huge large bottle, half silver well polished, the other half gold enamelled with carnation; whereby it was easy to guess that white and red were the colours of the noble travellers, and that they went for the word of the bottle. on the stern of the second was a lantern like those of the ancients, industriously made with diaphanous stone, implying that they were to pass by lanternland. the third ship had for her device a fine deep china ewer. the fourth, a double-handed jar of gold, much like an ancient urn. the fifth, a famous can made of sperm of emerald. the sixth, a monk's mumping bottle made of the four metals together. the seventh, an ebony funnel, all embossed and wrought with gold after the tauchic manner. the eighth, an ivy goblet, very precious, inlaid with gold. the ninth, a cup of fine obriz gold. the tenth, a tumbler of aromatic agoloch (you call it lignum aloes) edged with cyprian gold, after the azemine make. the eleventh, a golden vine-tub of mosaic work. the twelfth, a runlet of unpolished gold, covered with a small vine of large indian pearl of topiarian work. insomuch that there was not a man, however in the dumps, musty, sour-looked, or melancholic he were, not even excepting that blubbering whiner heraclitus, had he been there, but seeing this noble convoy of ships and their devices, must have been seized with present gladness of heart, and, smiling at the conceit, have said that the travellers were all honest topers, true pitcher-men, and have judged by a most sure prognostication that their voyage, both outward and homeward-bound, would be performed in mirth and perfect health. in the thalamege, where was the general meeting, pantagruel made a short but sweet exhortation, wholly backed with authorities from scripture upon navigation; which being ended, with an audible voice prayers were said in the presence and hearing of all the burghers of thalassa, who had flocked to the mole to see them take shipping. after the prayers was melodiously sung a psalm of the holy king david, which begins, when israel went out of egypt; and that being ended, tables were placed upon deck, and a feast speedily served up. the thalassians, who had also borne a chorus in the psalm, caused store of belly-timber to be brought out of their houses. all drank to them; they drank to all; which was the cause that none of the whole company gave up what they had eaten, nor were sea-sick, with a pain at the head and stomach; which inconveniency they could not so easily have prevented by drinking, for some time before, salt water, either alone or mixed with wine; using quinces, citron peel, juice of pomegranates, sourish sweetmeats, fasting a long time, covering their stomachs with paper, or following such other idle remedies as foolish physicians prescribe to those that go to sea. having often renewed their tipplings, each mother's son retired on board his own ship, and set sail all so fast with a merry gale at south-east; to which point of the compass the chief pilot, james brayer by name, had shaped his course, and fixed all things accordingly. for seeing that the oracle of the holy bottle lay near cathay, in the upper india, his advice, and that of xenomanes also, was not to steer the course which the portuguese use, while sailing through the torrid zone, and cape bona speranza, at the south point of africa, beyond the equinoctial line, and losing sight of the northern pole, their guide, they make a prodigious long voyage; but rather to keep as near the parallel of the said india as possible, and to tack to the westward of the said pole, so that winding under the north, they might find themselves in the latitude of the port of olone, without coming nearer it for fear of being shut up in the frozen sea; whereas, following this canonical turn, by the said parallel, they must have that on the right to the eastward, which at their departure was on their left. this proved a much shorter cut; for without shipwreck, danger, or loss of men, with uninterrupted good weather, except one day near the island of the macreons, they performed in less than four months the voyage of upper india, which the portuguese, with a thousand inconveniences and innumerable dangers, can hardly complete in three years. and it is my opinion, with submission to better judgments, that this course was perhaps steered by those indians who sailed to germany, and were honourably received by the king of the swedes, while quintus metellus celer was proconsul of the gauls; as cornelius nepos, pomponius mela, and pliny after them tell us. chapter 4.ii. how pantagruel bought many rarities in the island of medamothy. that day and the two following they neither discovered land nor anything new; for they had formerly sailed that way: but on the fourth they made an island called medamothy, of a fine and delightful prospect, by reason of the vast number of lighthouses and high marble towers in its circuit, which is not less than that of canada (sic). pantagruel, inquiring who governed there, heard that it was king philophanes, absent at that time upon account of the marriage of his brother philotheamon with the infanta of the kingdom of engys. hearing this, he went ashore in the harbour, and while every ship's crew watered, passed his time in viewing divers pictures, pieces of tapestry, animals, fishes, birds, and other exotic and foreign merchandises, which were along the walks of the mole and in the markets of the port. for it was the third day of the great and famous fair of the place, to which the chief merchants of africa and asia resorted. out of these friar john bought him two rare pictures; in one of which the face of a man that brings in an appeal was drawn to the life; and in the other a servant that wants a master, with every needful particular, action, countenance, look, gait, feature, and deportment, being an original by master charles charmois, principal painter to king megistus; and he paid for them in the court fashion, with conge and grimace. panurge bought a large picture, copied and done from the needle-work formerly wrought by philomela, showing to her sister progne how her brother-in-law tereus had by force handselled her copyhold, and then cut out her tongue that she might not (as women will) tell tales. i vow and swear by the handle of my paper lantern that it was a gallant, a mirific, nay, a most admirable piece. nor do you think, i pray you, that in it was the picture of a man playing the beast with two backs with a female; this had been too silly and gross: no, no; it was another-guise thing, and much plainer. you may, if you please, see it at theleme, on the left hand as you go into the high gallery. epistemon bought another, wherein were painted to the life the ideas of plato and the atoms of epicurus. rhizotome purchased another, wherein echo was drawn to the life. pantagruel caused to be bought, by gymnast, the life and deeds of achilles, in seventy-eight pieces of tapestry, four fathom long, and three fathom broad, all of phrygian silk, embossed with gold and silver; the work beginning at the nuptials of peleus and thetis, continuing to the birth of achilles; his youth, described by statius papinius; his warlike achievements, celebrated by homer; his death and obsequies, written by ovid and quintus calaber; and ending at the appearance of his ghost, and polyxena's sacrifice, rehearsed by euripides. he also caused to be bought three fine young unicorns; one of them a male of a chestnut colour, and two grey dappled females; also a tarand, whom he bought of a scythian of the gelones' country. a tarand is an animal as big as a bullock, having a head like a stag, or a little bigger, two stately horns with large branches, cloven feet, hair long like that of a furred muscovite, i mean a bear, and a skin almost as hard as steel armour. the scythian said that there are but few tarands to be found in scythia, because it varieth its colour according to the diversity of the places where it grazes and abides, and represents the colour of the grass, plants, trees, shrubs, flowers, meadows, rocks, and generally of all things near which it comes. it hath this common with the sea-pulp, or polypus, with the thoes, with the wolves of india, and with the chameleon, which is a kind of a lizard so wonderful that democritus hath written a whole book of its figure and anatomy, as also of its virtue and propriety in magic. this i can affirm, that i have seen it change its colour, not only at the approach of things that have a colour, but by its own voluntary impulse, according to its fear or other affections; as, for example, upon a green carpet i have certainly seen it become green; but having remained there some time, it turned yellow, blue, tanned, and purple in course, in the same manner as you see a turkey-cock's comb change colour according to its passions. but what we find most surprising in this tarand is, that not only its face and skin, but also its hair could take whatever colour was about it. near panurge, with his kersey coat, its hair used to turn grey; near pantagruel, with his scarlet mantle, its hair and skin grew red; near the pilot, dressed after the fashion of the isiacs of anubis in egypt, its hair seemed all white, which two last colours the chameleons cannot borrow. when the creature was free from any fear or affection, the colour of its hair was just such as you see that of the asses of meung. chapter 4.iii. how pantagruel received a letter from his father gargantua, and of the strange way to have speedy news from far distant places. while pantagruel was taken up with the purchase of those foreign animals, the noise of ten guns and culverins, together with a loud and joyful cheer of all the fleet, was heard from the mole. pantagruel looked towards the haven, and perceived that this was occasioned by the arrival of one of his father gargantua's celoces, or advice-boats, named the chelidonia; because on the stern of it was carved in corinthian brass a sea-swallow, which is a fish as large as a dare-fish of loire, all flesh, without scale, with cartilaginous wings (like a bat's) very long and broad, by the means of which i have seen them fly about three fathom above water, about a bow-shot. at marseilles 'tis called lendole. and indeed that ship was as light as a swallow, so that it rather seemed to fly on the sea than to sail. malicorne, gargantua's esquire carver, was come in her, being sent expressly by his master to have an account of his son's health and circumstances, and to bring him credentials. when malicorne had saluted pantagruel, before the prince opened the letters, the first thing he said to him was, have you here the gozal, the heavenly messenger? yes, sir, said he; here it is swaddled up in this basket. it was a grey pigeon, taken out of gargantua's dove-house, whose young ones were just hatched when the advice-boat was going off. if any ill fortune had befallen pantagruel, he would have fastened some black ribbon to his feet; but because all things had succeeded happily hitherto, having caused it to be undressed, he tied to its feet a white ribbon, and without any further delay let it loose. the pigeon presently flew away, cutting the air with an incredible speed, as you know that there is no flight like a pigeon's, especially when it hath eggs or young ones, through the extreme care which nature hath fixed in it to relieve and be with its young; insomuch that in less than two hours it compassed in the air the long tract which the advice-boat, with all her diligence, with oars and sails, and a fair wind, could not go through in less than three days and three nights; and was seen as it went into the dove-house in its nest. whereupon gargantua, hearing that it had the white ribbon on, was joyful and secure of his son's welfare. this was the custom of the noble gargantua and pantagruel when they would have speedy news of something of great concern; as the event of some battle, either by sea or land; the surrendering or holding out of some strong place; the determination of some difference of moment; the safe or unhappy delivery of some queen or great lady; the death or recovery of their sick friends or allies, and so forth. they used to take the gozal, and had it carried from one to another by the post, to the places whence they desired to have news. the gozal, bearing either a black or white ribbon, according to the occurrences and accidents, used to remove their doubts at its return, making in the space of one hour more way through the air than thirty postboys could have done in one natural day. may not this be said to redeem and gain time with a vengeance, think you? for the like service, therefore, you may believe as a most true thing that in the dove-houses of their farms there were to be found all the year long store of pigeons hatching eggs or rearing their young. which may be easily done in aviaries and voleries by the help of saltpetre and the sacred herb vervain. the gozal being let fly, pantagruel perused his father gargantua's letter, the contents of which were as followeth: my dearest son,--the affection that naturally a father bears a beloved son is so much increased in me by reflecting on the particular gifts which by the divine goodness have been heaped on thee, that since thy departure it hath often banished all other thoughts out of my mind, leaving my heart wholly possessed with fear lest some misfortune has attended thy voyage; for thou knowest that fear was ever the attendant of true and sincere love. now because, as hesiod saith, a good beginning of anything is the half of it; or, well begun's half done, according to the old saying; to free my mind from this anxiety i have expressly despatched malicorne, that he may give me a true account of thy health at the beginning of thy voyage. for if it be good, and such as i wish it, i shall easily foresee the rest. i have met with some diverting books, which the bearer will deliver thee; thou mayest read them when thou wantest to unbend and ease thy mind from thy better studies. he will also give thee at large the news at court. the peace of the lord be with thee. remember me to panurge, friar john, epistemon, xenomanes, gymnast, and thy other principal domestics. dated at our paternal seat, this 13th day of june. thy father and friend, gargantua. chapter 4.iv. how pantagruel writ to his father gargantua, and sent him several curiosities. pantagruel, having perused the letter, had a long conference with the esquire malicorne; insomuch that panurge, at last interrupting them, asked him, pray, sir, when do you design to drink? when shall we drink? when shall the worshipful esquire drink? what a devil! have you not talked long enough to drink? it is a good motion, answered pantagruel: go, get us something ready at the next inn; i think 'tis the centaur. in the meantime he writ to gargantua as followeth, to be sent by the aforesaid esquire: most gracious father,--as our senses and animal faculties are more discomposed at the news of events unexpected, though desired (even to an immediate dissolution of the soul from the body), than if those accidents had been foreseen, so the coming of malicorne hath much surprised and disordered me. for i had no hopes to see any of your servants, or to hear from you, before i had finished our voyage; and contented myself with the dear remembrance of your august majesty, deeply impressed in the hindmost ventricle of my brain, often representing you to my mind. but since you have made me happy beyond expectation by the perusal of your gracious letter, and the faith i have in your esquire hath revived my spirits by the news of your welfare, i am as it were compelled to do what formerly i did freely, that is, first to praise the blessed redeemer, who by his divine goodness preserves you in this long enjoyment of perfect health; then to return you eternal thanks for the fervent affection which you have for me your most humble son and unprofitable servant. formerly a roman, named furnius, said to augustus, who had received his father into favour, and pardoned him after he had sided with antony, that by that action the emperor had reduced him to this extremity, that for want of power to be grateful, both while he lived and after it, he should be obliged to be taxed with ingratitude. so i may say, that the excess of your fatherly affection drives me into such a strait, that i shall be forced to live and die ungrateful; unless that crime be redressed by the sentence of the stoics, who say that there are three parts in a benefit, the one of the giver, the other of the receiver, the third of the remunerator; and that the receiver rewards the giver when he freely receives the benefit and always remembers it; as, on the contrary, that man is most ungrateful who despises and forgets a benefit. therefore, being overwhelmed with infinite favours, all proceeding from your extreme goodness, and on the other side wholly incapable of making the smallest return, i hope at least to free myself from the imputation of ingratitude, since they can never be blotted out of my mind; and my tongue shall never cease to own that to thank you as i ought transcends my capacity. as for us, i have this assurance in the lord's mercy and help, that the end of our voyage will be answerable to its beginning, and so it will be entirely performed in health and mirth. i will not fail to set down in a journal a full account of our navigation, that at our return you may have an exact relation of the whole. i have found here a scythian tarand, an animal strange and wonderful for the variations of colour on its skin and hair, according to the distinction of neighbouring things; it is as tractable and easily kept as a lamb. be pleased to accept of it. i also send you three young unicorns, which are the tamest of creatures. i have conferred with the esquire, and taught him how they must be fed. these cannot graze on the ground by reason of the long horn on their forehead, but are forced to browse on fruit trees, or on proper racks, or to be fed by hand, with herbs, sheaves, apples, pears, barley, rye, and other fruits and roots, being placed before them. i am amazed that ancient writers should report them to be so wild, furious, and dangerous, and never seen alive; far from it, you will find that they are the mildest things in the world, provided they are not maliciously offended. likewise i send you the life and deeds of achilles in curious tapestry; assuring you whatever rarities of animals, plants, birds, or precious stones, and others, i shall be able to find and purchase in our travels, shall be brought to you, god willing, whom i beseech, by his blessed grace, to preserve you. from medamothy, this 15th of june. panurge, friar john, epistemon, zenomanes, gymnast, eusthenes, rhizotome, and carpalin, having most humbly kissed your hand, return your salute a thousand times. your most dutiful son and servant, pantagruel. while pantagruel was writing this letter, malicorne was made welcome by all with a thousand goodly good-morrows and how-d'ye's; they clung about him so that i cannot tell you how much they made of him, how many humble services, how many from my love and to my love were sent with him. pantagruel, having writ his letters, sat down at table with him, and afterwards presented him with a large chain of gold, weighing eight hundred crowns, between whose septenary links some large diamonds, rubies, emeralds, turquoise stones, and unions were alternately set in. to each of his bark's crew he ordered to be given five hundred crowns. to gargantua, his father, he sent the tarand covered with a cloth of satin, brocaded with gold, and the tapestry containing the life and deeds of achilles, with the three unicorns in friezed cloth of gold trappings; and so they left medamothy--malicorne to return to gargantua, pantagruel to proceed in his voyage, during which epistemon read to him the books which the esquire had brought, and because he found them jovial and pleasant, i shall give you an account of them, if you earnestly desire it. chapter 4.v. how pantagruel met a ship with passengers returning from lanternland. on the fifth day we began already to wind by little and little about the pole; going still farther from the equinoctial line, we discovered a merchant-man to the windward of us. the joy for this was not small on both sides; we in hopes to hear news from sea, and those in the merchant-man from land. so we bore upon 'em, and coming up with them we hailed them; and finding them to be frenchmen of xaintonge, backed our sails and lay by to talk to them. pantagruel heard that they came from lanternland; which added to his joy, and that of the whole fleet. we inquired about the state of that country, and the way of living of the lanterns; and were told that about the latter end of the following july was the time prefixed for the meeting of the general chapter of the lanterns; and that if we arrived there at that time, as we might easily, we should see a handsome, honourable, and jolly company of lanterns; and that great preparations were making, as if they intended to lanternize there to the purpose. we were told also that if we touched at the great kingdom of gebarim, we should be honourably received and treated by the sovereign of that country, king ohabe, who, as well as all his subjects, speaks touraine french. while we were listening to these news, panurge fell out with one dingdong, a drover or sheep-merchant of taillebourg. the occasion of the fray was thus: this same dingdong, seeing panurge without a codpiece, with his spectacles fastened to his cap, said to one of his comrades, prithee, look, is there not a fine medal of a cuckold? panurge, by reason of his spectacles, as you may well think, heard more plainly by half with his ears than usually; which caused him (hearing this) to say to the saucy dealer in mutton, in a kind of a pet: how the devil should i be one of the hornified fraternity, since i am not yet a brother of the marriage-noose, as thou art; as i guess by thy ill-favoured phiz? yea, verily, quoth the grazier, i am married, and would not be otherwise for all the pairs of spectacles in europe; nay, not for all the magnifying gimcracks in africa; for i have got me the cleverest, prettiest, handsomest, properest, neatest, tightest, honestest, and soberest piece of woman's flesh for my wife that is in all the whole country of xaintonge; i'll say that for her, and a fart for all the rest. i bring her home a fine eleven-inch-long branch of red coral for her christmas-box. what hast thou to do with it? what's that to thee? who art thou? whence comest thou, o dark lantern of antichrist? answer, if thou art of god. i ask thee, by the way of question, said panurge to him very seriously, if with the consent and countenance of all the elements, i had gingumbobbed, codpieced, and thumpthumpriggledtickledtwiddled thy so clever, so pretty, so handsome, so proper, so neat, so tight, so honest, and so sober female importance, insomuch that the stiff deity that has no forecast, priapus (who dwells here at liberty, all subjection of fastened codpieces, or bolts, bars, and locks, abdicated), remained sticking in her natural christmas-box in such a lamentable manner that it were never to come out, but eternally should stick there unless thou didst pull it out with thy teeth; what wouldst thou do? wouldst thou everlastingly leave it there, or wouldst thou pluck it out with thy grinders? answer me, o thou ram of mahomet, since thou art one of the devil's gang. i would, replied the sheepmonger, take thee such a woundy cut on this spectacle-bearing lug of thine with my trusty bilbo as would smite thee dead as a herring. thus, having taken pepper in the nose, he was lugging out his sword, but, alas!--cursed cows have short horns,--it stuck in the scabbard; as you know that at sea cold iron will easily take rust by reason of the excessive and nitrous moisture. panurge, so smitten with terror that his heart sunk down to his midriff, scoured off to pantagruel for help; but friar john laid hand on his flashing scimitar that was new ground, and would certainly have despatched dingdong to rights, had not the skipper and some of his passengers beseeched pantagruel not to suffer such an outrage to be committed on board his ship. so the matter was made up, and panurge and his antagonist shaked fists, and drank in course to one another in token of a perfect reconciliation. chapter 4.vi. how, the fray being over, panurge cheapened one of dingdong's sheep. this quarrel being hushed, panurge tipped the wink upon epistemon and friar john, and taking them aside, stand at some distance out of the way, said he, and take your share of the following scene of mirth. you shall have rare sport anon, if my cake be not dough, and my plot do but take. then addressing himself to the drover, he took off to him a bumper of good lantern wine. the other pledged him briskly and courteously. this done, panurge earnestly entreated him to sell him one of his sheep. but the other answered him, is it come to that, friend and neighbour? would you put tricks upon travellers? alas, how finely you love to play upon poor folk! nay, you seem a rare chapman, that's the truth on't. oh, what a mighty sheep-merchant you are! in good faith, you look liker one of the diving trade than a buyer of sheep. adzookers, what a blessing it would be to have one's purse well lined with chink near your worship at a tripe-house when it begins to thaw! humph, humph, did not we know you well, you might serve one a slippery trick! pray do but see, good people, what a mighty conjuror the fellow would be reckoned. patience, said panurge; but waiving that, be so kind as to sell me one of your sheep. come, how much? what do you mean, master of mine? answered the other. they are long-wool sheep; from these did jason take his golden fleece. the gold of the house of burgundy was drawn from them. zwoons, man, they are oriental sheep, topping sheep, fatted sheep, sheep of quality. be it so, said panurge; but sell me one of them, i beseech you; and that for a cause, paying you ready money upon the nail, in good and lawful occidental current cash. wilt say how much? friend, neighbour, answered the seller of mutton, hark ye me a little, on the ear. panurge. on which side you please; i hear you. dingdong. you are going to lanternland, they say. panurge. yea, verily. dingdong. to see fashions? panurge. even so. dingdong. and be merry? panurge. and be merry. dingdong. your name is, as i take it, robin mutton? panurge. as you please for that, sweet sir. dingdong. nay, without offence. panurge. so i would have it. dingdong. you are, as i take it, the king's jester; aren't you? panurge. ay, ay, anything. dingdong. give me your hand--humph, humph, you go to see fashions, you are the king's jester, your name is robin mutton! do you see this same ram? his name, too, is robin. here, robin, robin, robin! baea, baea, baea. hath he not a rare voice? panurge. ay, marry has he, a very fine and harmonious voice. dingdong. well, this bargain shall be made between you and me, friend and neighbour; we will get a pair of scales, then you robin mutton shall be put into one of them, and tup robin into the other. now i will hold you a peck of busch oysters that in weight, value, and price he shall outdo you, and you shall be found light in the very numerical manner as when you shall be hanged and suspended. patience, said panurge; but you would do much for me and your whole posterity if you would chaffer with me for him, or some other of his inferiors. i beg it of you; good your worship, be so kind. hark ye, friend of mine, answered the other; with the fleece of these your fine rouen cloth is to be made; your leominster superfine wool is mine arse to it; mere flock in comparison. of their skins the best cordovan will be made, which shall be sold for turkey and montelimart, or for spanish leather at least. of the guts shall be made fiddle and harp strings that will sell as dear as if they came from munican or aquileia. what do you think on't, hah? if you please, sell me one of them, said panurge, and i will be yours for ever. look, here's ready cash. what's the price? this he said exhibiting his purse stuffed with new henricuses. chapter 4.vii. which if you read you'll find how panurge bargained with dingdong. neighbour, my friend, answered dingdong, they are meat for none but kings and princes; their flesh is so delicate, so savoury, and so dainty that one would swear it melted in the mouth. i bring them out of a country where the very hogs, god be with us, live on nothing but myrobolans. the sows in the styes when they lie-in (saving the honour of this good company) are fed only with orange-flowers. but, said panurge, drive a bargain with me for one of them, and i will pay you for't like a king, upon the honest word of a true trojan; come, come, what do you ask? not so fast, robin, answered the trader; these sheep are lineally descended from the very family of the ram that wafted phryxus and helle over the sea since called the hellespont. a pox on't, said panurge, you are clericus vel addiscens! ita is a cabbage, and vere a leek, answered the merchant. but, rr, rrr, rrrr, rrrrr, hoh robin, rr, rrrrrrr, you don't understand that gibberish, do you? now i think on't, over all the fields where they piss, corn grows as fast as if the lord had pissed there; they need neither be tilled nor dunged. besides, man, your chemists extract the best saltpetre in the world out of their urine. nay, with their very dung (with reverence be it spoken) the doctors in our country make pills that cure seventy-eight kinds of diseases, the least of which is the evil of st. eutropius of xaintes, from which, good lord, deliver us! now what do you think on't, neighbour, my friend? the truth is, they cost me money, that they do. cost what they will, cried panurge, trade with me for one of them, paying you well. our friend, quoth the quacklike sheepman, do but mind the wonders of nature that are found in those animals, even in a member which one would think were of no use. take me but these horns, and bray them a little with an iron pestle, or with an andiron, which you please, it is all one to me; then bury them wherever you will, provided it be where the sun may shine, and water them frequently; in a few months i'll engage you will have the best asparagus in the world, not even excepting those of ravenna. now, come and tell me whether the horns of your other knights of the bull's feather have such a virtue and wonderful propriety? patience, said panurge. i don't know whether you be a scholar or no, pursued dingdong; i have seen a world of scholars, i say great scholars, that were cuckolds, i'll assure you. but hark you me, if you were a scholar, you should know that in the most inferior members of those animals, which are the feet, there is a bone, which is the heel, the astragalus, if you will have it so, wherewith, and with that of no other creature breathing, except the indian ass and the dorcades of libya, they used in old times to play at the royal game of dice, whereat augustus the emperor won above fifty thousand crowns one evening. now such cuckolds as you will be hanged ere you get half so much at it. patience, said panurge; but let us despatch. and when, my friend and neighbour, continued the canting sheepseller, shall i have duly praised the inward members, the shoulders, the legs, the knuckles, the neck, the breast, the liver, the spleen, the tripes, the kidneys, the bladder, wherewith they make footballs; the ribs, which serve in pigmyland to make little crossbows to pelt the cranes with cherry-stones; the head, which with a little brimstone serves to make a miraculous decoction to loosen and ease the belly of costive dogs? a turd on't, said the skipper to his preaching passenger, what a fiddle-faddle have we here? there is too long a lecture by half: sell him if thou wilt; if thou won't, don't let the man lose more time. i hate a gibble-gabble and a rimble-ramble talk. i am for a man of brevity. i will, for your sake, replied the holder-forth; but then he shall give me three livres, french money, for each pick and choose. it is a woundy price, cried panurge; in our country i could have five, nay six, for the money; see that you do not overreach me, master. you are not the first man whom i have known to have fallen, even sometimes to the endangering, if not breaking, of his own neck, for endeavouring to rise all at once. a murrain seize thee for a blockheaded booby, cried the angry seller of sheep; by the worthy vow of our lady of charroux, the worst in this flock is four times better than those which the coraxians in tuditania, a country of spain, used to sell for a gold talent each; and how much dost thou think, thou hibernian fool, that a talent of gold was worth? sweet sir, you fall into a passion, i see, returned panurge; well, hold, here is your money. panurge, having paid his money, chose him out of all the flock a fine topping ram; and as he was hauling it along, crying out and bleating, all the rest, hearing and bleating in concert, stared to see whither their brother-ram should be carried. in the meanwhile the drover was saying to his shepherds: ah! how well the knave could choose him out a ram; the whoreson has skill in cattle. on my honest word, i reserved that very piece of flesh for the lord of cancale, well knowing his disposition; for the good man is naturally overjoyed when he holds a good-sized handsome shoulder of mutton, instead of a left-handed racket, in one hand, with a good sharp carver in the other. god wot, how he belabours himself then. chapter 4.viii. how panurge caused dingdong and his sheep to be drowned in the sea. on a sudden, you would wonder how the thing was so soon done--for my part i cannot tell you, for i had not leisure to mind it--our friend panurge, without any further tittle-tattle, throws you his ram overboard into the middle of the sea, bleating and making a sad noise. upon this all the other sheep in the ship, crying and bleating in the same tone, made all the haste they could to leap nimbly into the sea, one after another; and great was the throng who should leap in first after their leader. it was impossible to hinder them; for you know that it is the nature of sheep always to follow the first wheresoever it goes; which makes aristotle, lib. 9. de. hist. animal., mark them for the most silly and foolish animals in the world. dingdong, at his wits' end, and stark staring mad, as a man who saw his sheep destroy and drown themselves before his face, strove to hinder and keep them back with might and main; but all in vain: they all one after t'other frisked and jumped into the sea, and were lost. at last he laid hold on a huge sturdy one by the fleece, upon the deck of the ship, hoping to keep it back, and so save that and the rest; but the ram was so strong that it proved too hard for him, and carried its master into the herring pond in spite of his teeth--where it is supposed he drank somewhat more than his fill, so that he was drowned--in the same manner as one-eyed polyphemus' sheep carried out of the den ulysses and his companions. the like happened to the shepherds and all their gang, some laying hold on their beloved tup, this by the horns, t'other by the legs, a third by the rump, and others by the fleece; till in fine they were all of them forced to sea, and drowned like so many rats. panurge, on the gunnel of the ship, with an oar in his hand, not to help them you may swear, but to keep them from swimming to the ship and saving themselves from drowning, preached and canted to them all the while like any little friar (oliver) maillard, or another friar john burgess; laying before them rhetorical commonplaces concerning the miseries of this life and the blessings and felicity of the next; assuring them that the dead were much happier than the living in this vale of misery, and promised to erect a stately cenotaph and honorary tomb to every one of them on the highest summit of mount cenis at his return from lanternland; wishing them, nevertheless, in case they were not yet disposed to shake hands with this life, and did not like their salt liquor, they might have the good luck to meet with some kind whale which might set them ashore safe and sound on some blessed land of gotham, after a famous example. the ship being cleared of dingdong and his tups: is there ever another sheepish soul left lurking on board? cried panurge. where are those of toby lamb and robin ram that sleep while the rest are a-feeding? faith, i can't tell myself. this was an old coaster's trick. what think'st of it, friar john, hah? rarely performed, answered friar john; only methinks that as formerly in war, on the day of battle, a double pay was commonly promised the soldiers for that day; for if they overcame, there was enough to pay them; and if they lost, it would have been shameful for them to demand it, as the cowardly foresters did after the battle of cerizoles; likewise, my friend, you ought not to have paid your man, and the money had been saved. a fart for the money, said panurge; have i not had above fifty thousand pounds' worth of sport? come now, let's be gone; the wind is fair. hark you me, my friend john; never did man do me a good turn, but i returned, or at least acknowledged it; no, i scorn to be ungrateful; i never was, nor ever will be. never did man do me an ill one without rueing the day that he did it, either in this world or the next. i am not yet so much a fool neither. thou damn'st thyself like any old devil, quoth friar john; it is written, mihi vindictam, &c. matter of breviary, mark ye me (motteux adds unnecessarily (by way of explanation), 'that's holy stuff.'). chapter 4.ix. how pantagruel arrived at the island of ennasin, and of the strange ways of being akin in that country. we had still the wind at south-south-west, and had been a whole day without making land. on the third day, at the flies' uprising (which, you know, is some two or three hours after the sun's), we got sight of a triangular island, very much like sicily for its form and situation. it was called the island of alliances. the people there are much like your carrot-pated poitevins, save only that all of them, men, women, and children, have their noses shaped like an ace of clubs. for that reason the ancient name of the country was ennasin. they were all akin, as the mayor of the place told us; at least they boasted so. you people of the other world esteem it a wonderful thing that, out of the family of the fabii at rome, on a certain day, which was the 13th of february, at a certain gate, which was the porta carmentalis, since named scelerata, formerly situated at the foot of the capitol, between the tarpeian rock and the tiber, marched out against the veientes of etruria three hundred and six men bearing arms, all related to each other, with five thousand other soldiers, every one of them their vassals, who were all slain near the river cremera, that comes out of the lake of beccano. now from this same country of ennasin, in case of need, above three hundred thousand, all relations and of one family, might march out. their degrees of consanguinity and alliance are very strange; for being thus akin and allied to one another, we found that none was either father or mother, brother or sister, uncle or aunt, nephew or niece, son-in-law or daughter-in-law, godfather or godmother, to the other; unless, truly, a tall flat-nosed old fellow, who, as i perceived, called a little shitten-arsed girl of three or four years old, father, and the child called him daughter. their distinction of degrees of kindred was thus: a man used to call a woman, my lean bit; the woman called him, my porpoise. those, said friar john, must needs stink damnably of fish when they have rubbed their bacon one with the other. one, smiling on a young buxom baggage, said, good morrow, dear currycomb. she, to return him his civility, said, the like to you, my steed. ha! ha! ha! said panurge, that is pretty well, in faith; for indeed it stands her in good stead to currycomb this steed. another greeted his buttock with a farewell, my case. she replied, adieu, trial. by st. winifred's placket, cried gymnast, this case has been often tried. another asked a she-friend of his, how is it, hatchet? she answered him, at your service, dear helve. odds belly, saith carpalin, this helve and this hatchet are well matched. as we went on, i saw one who, calling his she-relation, styled her my crumb, and she called him, my crust. quoth one to a brisk, plump, juicy female, i am glad to see you, dear tap. so am i to find you so merry, sweet spiggot, replied she. one called a wench, his shovel; she called him, her peal: one named his, my slipper; and she, my foot: another, my boot; she, my shasoon. in the same degree of kindred, one called his, my butter; she called him, my eggs; and they were akin just like a dish of buttered eggs. i heard one call his, my tripe, and she him, my faggot. now i could not, for the heart's blood of me, pick out or discover what parentage, alliance, affinity, or consanguinity was between them, with reference to our custom; only they told us that she was faggot's tripe. (tripe de fagot means the smallest sticks in a faggot.) another, complimenting his convenient, said, yours, my shell; she replied, i was yours before, sweet oyster. i reckon, said carpalin, she hath gutted his oyster. another long-shanked ugly rogue, mounted on a pair of high-heeled wooden slippers, meeting a strapping, fusty, squabbed dowdy, says he to her, how is't my top? she was short upon him, and arrogantly replied, never the better for you, my whip. by st. antony's hog, said xenomanes, i believe so; for how can this whip be sufficient to lash this top? a college professor, well provided with cod, and powdered and prinked up, having a while discoursed with a great lady, taking his leave with these words, thank you, sweetmeat; she cried, there needs no thanks, sour-sauce. saith pantagruel, this is not altogether incongruous, for sweet meat must have sour sauce. a wooden loggerhead said to a young wench, it is long since i saw you, bag; all the better, cried she, pipe. set them together, said panurge, then blow in their arses, it will be a bagpipe. we saw, after that, a diminutive humpbacked gallant, pretty near us, taking leave of a she-relation of his, thus: fare thee well, friend hole; she reparteed, save thee, friend peg. quoth friar john, what could they say more, were he all peg and she all hole? but now would i give something to know if every cranny of the hole can be stopped up with that same peg. a bawdy bachelor, talking with an old trout, was saying, remember, rusty gun. i will not fail, said she, scourer. do you reckon these two to be akin? said pantagruel to the mayor. i rather take them to be foes. in our country a woman would take this as a mortal affront. good people of t'other world, replied the mayor, you have few such and so near relations as this gun and scourer are to one another; for they both come out of one shop. what, was the shop their mother? quoth panurge. what mother, said the mayor, does the man mean? that must be some of your world's affinity; we have here neither father nor mother. your little paltry fellows that live on t'other side the water, poor rogues, booted with wisps of hay, may indeed have such; but we scorn it. the good pantagruel stood gazing and listening; but at those words he had like to have lost all patience. (here motteux adds an aside--'os kai nun o ermeneutes. p.m.'). having very exactly viewed the situation of the island and the way of living of the enassed nation, we went to take a cup of the creature at a tavern, where there happened to be a wedding after the manner of the country. bating that shocking custom, there was special good cheer. while we were there, a pleasant match was struck up betwixt a female called pear (a tight thing, as we thought, but by some, who knew better things, said to be quaggy and flabby), and a young soft male, called cheese, somewhat sandy. (many such matches have been, and they were formerly much commended.) in our country we say, il ne fut onques tel mariage, qu'est de la poire et du fromage; there is no match like that made between the pear and the cheese; and in many other places good store of such bargains have been driven. besides, when the women are at their last prayers, it is to this day a noted saying, that after cheese comes nothing. in another room i saw them marrying an old greasy boot to a young pliable buskin. pantagruel was told that young buskin took old boot to have and to hold because she was of special leather, in good case, and waxed, seared, liquored, and greased to the purpose, even though it had been for the fisherman that went to bed with his boots on. in another room below, i saw a young brogue taking a young slipper for better for worse; which, they told us, was neither for the sake of her piety, parts, or person, but for the fourth comprehensive p, portion; the spankers, spur-royals, rose-nobles, and other coriander seed with which she was quilted all over. chapter 4.x. how pantagruel went ashore at the island of chely, where he saw king st. panigon. we sailed right before the wind, which we had at west, leaving those odd alliancers with their ace-of-clubs snouts, and having taken height by the sun, stood in for chely, a large, fruitful, wealthy, and well-peopled island. king st. panigon, first of the name, reigned there, and, attended by the princes his sons and the nobles of his court, came as far as the port to receive pantagruel, and conducted him to his palace; near the gate of which the queen, attended by the princesses her daughters and the court ladies, received us. panigon directed her and all her retinue to salute pantagruel and his men with a kiss; for such was the civil custom of the country; and they were all fairly bussed accordingly, except friar john, who stepped aside and sneaked off among the king's officers. panigon used all the entreaties imaginable to persuade pantagruel to tarry there that day and the next; but he would needs be gone, and excused himself upon the opportunity of wind and weather, which, being oftener desired than enjoyed, ought not to be neglected when it comes. panigon, having heard these reasons, let us go, but first made us take off some five-and-twenty or thirty bumpers each. pantagruel, returning to the port, missed friar john, and asked why he was not with the rest of the company. panurge could not tell how to excuse him, and would have gone back to the palace to call him, when friar john overtook them, and merrily cried, long live the noble panigon! as i love my belly, he minds good eating, and keeps a noble house and a dainty kitchen. i have been there, boys. everything goes about by dozens. i was in good hopes to have stuffed my puddings there like a monk. what! always in a kitchen, friend? said pantagruel. by the belly of st. cramcapon, quoth the friar, i understand the customs and ceremonies which are used there much better than all the formal stuff, antique postures, and nonsensical fiddle-faddle that must be used with those women, magni magna, shittencumshita, cringes, grimaces, scrapes, bows, and congees; double honours this way, triple salutes that way, the embrace, the grasp, the squeeze, the hug, the leer, the smack, baso las manos de vostra merce, de vostra maesta. you are most tarabin, tarabas, stront; that's downright dutch. why all this ado? i don't say but a man might be for a bit by the bye and away, to be doing as well as his neighbours; but this little nasty cringing and courtesying made me as mad as any march devil. you talk of kissing ladies; by the worthy and sacred frock i wear, i seldom venture upon it, lest i be served as was the lord of guyercharois. what was it? said pantagruel; i know him. he is one of the best friends i have. he was invited to a sumptuous feast, said friar john, by a relation and neighbour of his, together with all the gentlemen and ladies in the neighbourhood. now some of the latter expecting his coming, dressed the pages in women's clothes, and finified them like any babies; then ordered them to meet my lord at his coming near the drawbridge. so the complimenting monsieur came, and there kissed the petticoated lads with great formality. at last the ladies, who minded passages in the gallery, burst out with laughing, and made signs to the pages to take off their dress; which the good lord having observed, the devil a bit he durst make up to the true ladies to kiss them, but said, that since they had disguised the pages, by his great grandfather's helmet, these were certainly the very footmen and grooms still more cunningly disguised. odds fish, da jurandi, why do not we rather remove our humanities into some good warm kitchen of god, that noble laboratory, and there admire the turning of the spits, the harmonious rattling of the jacks and fenders, criticise on the position of the lard, the temperature of the pottages, the preparation for the dessert, and the order of the wine service? beati immaculati in via. matter of breviary, my masters. chapter 4.xi. why monks love to be in kitchens. this, said epistemon, is spoke like a true monk; i mean like a right monking monk, not a bemonked monastical monkling. truly you put me in mind of some passages that happened at florence, some twenty years ago, in a company of studious travellers, fond of visiting the learned, and seeing the antiquities of italy, among whom i was. as we viewed the situation and beauty of florence, the structure of the dome, the magnificence of the churches and palaces, we strove to outdo one another in giving them their due; when a certain monk of amiens, bernard lardon by name, quite angry, scandalized, and out of all patience, told us, i don't know what the devil you can find in this same town, that is so much cried up; for my part i have looked and pored and stared as well as the best of you; i think my eyesight is as clear as another body's, and what can one see after all? there are fine houses, indeed and that's all. but the cage does not feed the birds. god and monsieur st. bernard, our good patron, be with us! in all this same town i have not seen one poor lane of roasting cooks; and yet i have not a little looked about and sought for so necessary a part of a commonwealth: ay, and i dare assure you that i have pried up and down with the exactness of an informer; as ready to number, both to the right and left, how many, and on what side, we might find most roasting cooks, as a spy would be to reckon the bastions of a town. now at amiens, in four, nay, five times less ground than we have trod in our contemplations, i could have shown you above fourteen streets of roasting cooks, most ancient, savoury, and aromatic. i cannot imagine what kind of pleasure you can have taken in gazing on the lions and africans (so methinks you call their tigers) near the belfry, or in ogling the porcupines and estridges in the lord philip strozzi's palace. faith and truth i had rather see a good fat goose at the spit. this porphyry, those marbles are fine; i say nothing to the contrary; but our cheesecakes at amiens are far better in my mind. these ancient statues are well made; i am willing to believe it; but, by st. ferreol of abbeville, we have young wenches in our country which please me better a thousand times. what is the reason, asked friar john, that monks are always to be found in kitchens, and kings, emperors, and popes are never there? is there not, said rhizotome, some latent virtue and specific propriety hid in the kettles and pans, which, as the loadstone attracts iron, draws the monks there, and cannot attract emperors, popes, or kings? or is it a natural induction and inclination, fixed in the frocks and cowls, which of itself leads and forceth those good religious men into kitchens, whether they will or no? he would speak of forms following matter, as averroes calls them, answered epistemon. right, said friar john. i will not offer to solve this problem, said pantagruel; for it is somewhat ticklish, and you can hardly handle it without coming off scurvily; but i will tell you what i have heard. antigonus, king of macedon, one day coming into one of the tents, where his cooks used to dress his meat, and finding there poet antagoras frying a conger, and holding the pan himself, merrily asked him, pray, mr. poet, was homer frying congers when he wrote the deeds of agamemnon? antagoras readily answered: but do you think, sir, that when agamemnon did them he made it his business to know if any in his camp were frying congers? the king thought it an indecency that a poet should be thus a-frying in a kitchen; and the poet let the king know that it was a more indecent thing for a king to be found in such a place. i'll clap another story upon the neck of this, quoth panurge, and will tell you what breton villandry answered one day to the duke of guise. they were saying that at a certain battle of king francis against charles the fifth, breton, armed cap-a-pie to the teeth, and mounted like st. george, yet sneaked off, and played least in sight during the engagement. blood and oons, answered breton, i was there, and can prove it easily; nay, even where you, my lord, dared not have been. the duke began to resent this as too rash and saucy; but breton easily appeased him, and set them all a-laughing. egad, my lord, quoth he, i kept out of harm's way; i was all the while with your page jack, skulking in a certain place where you had not dared hide your head as i did. thus discoursing, they got to their ships, and left the island of chely. chapter 4.xii. how pantagruel passed by the land of pettifogging, and of the strange way of living among the catchpoles. steering our course forwards the next day, we passed through pettifogging, a country all blurred and blotted, so that i could hardly tell what to make on't. there we saw some pettifoggers and catchpoles, rogues that will hang their father for a groat. they neither invited us to eat or drink; but, with a multiplied train of scrapes and cringes, said they were all at our service for the legem pone. one of our droggermen related to pantagruel their strange way of living, diametrically opposed to that of our modern romans; for at rome a world of folks get an honest livelihood by poisoning, drubbing, lambasting, stabbing, and murthering; but the catchpoles earn theirs by being thrashed; so that if they were long without a tight lambasting, the poor dogs with their wives and children would be starved. this is just, quoth panurge, like those who, as galen tells us, cannot erect the cavernous nerve towards the equinoctial circle unless they are soundly flogged. by st. patrick's slipper, whoever should jerk me so, would soon, instead of setting me right, throw me off the saddle, in the devil's name. the way is this, said the interpreter. when a monk, levite, close-fisted usurer, or lawyer owes a grudge to some neighbouring gentleman, he sends to him one of those catchpoles or apparitors, who nabs, or at least cites him, serves a writ or warrant upon him, thumps, abuses, and affronts him impudently by natural instinct, and according to his pious instructions; insomuch, that if the gentleman hath but any guts in his brains, and is not more stupid than a gyrin frog, he will find himself obliged either to apply a faggot-stick or his sword to the rascal's jobbernowl, give him the gentle lash, or make him cut a caper out at the window, by way of correction. this done, catchpole is rich for four months at least, as if bastinadoes were his real harvest; for the monk, levite, usurer, or lawyer will reward him roundly; and my gentleman must pay him such swingeing damages that his acres must bleed for it, and he be in danger of miserably rotting within a stone doublet, as if he had struck the king. quoth panurge, i know an excellent remedy against this used by the lord of basche. what is it? said pantagruel. the lord of basche, said panurge, was a brave, honest, noble-spirited gentleman, who, at his return from the long war in which the duke of ferrara, with the help of the french, bravely defended himself against the fury of pope julius the second, was every day cited, warned, and prosecuted at the suit and for the sport and fancy of the fat prior of st. louant. one morning, as he was at breakfast with some of his domestics (for he loved to be sometimes among them) he sent for one loire, his baker, and his spouse, and for one oudart, the vicar of his parish, who was also his butler, as the custom was then in france; then said to them before his gentlemen and other servants: you all see how i am daily plagued with these rascally catchpoles. truly, if you do not lend me your helping hand, i am finally resolved to leave the country, and go fight for the sultan, or the devil, rather than be thus eternally teased. therefore, to be rid of their damned visits, hereafter, when any of them come here, be ready, you baker and your wife, to make your personal appearance in my great hall, in your wedding clothes, as if you were going to be affianced. here, take these ducats, which i give you to keep you in a fitting garb. as for you, sir oudart, be sure you make your personal appearance there in your fine surplice and stole, not forgetting your holy water, as if you were to wed them. be you there also, trudon, said he to his drummer, with your pipe and tabor. the form of matrimony must be read, and the bride kissed; then all of you, as the witnesses used to do in this country, shall give one another the remembrance of the wedding, which you know is to be a blow with your fist, bidding the party struck remember the nuptials by that token. this will but make you have the better stomach to your supper; but when you come to the catchpole's turn, thrash him thrice and threefold, as you would a sheaf of green corn; do not spare him; maul him, drub him, lambast him, swinge him off, i pray you. here, take these steel gauntlets, covered with kid. head, back, belly, and sides, give him blows innumerable; he that gives him most shall be my best friend. fear not to be called to an account about it; i will stand by you; for the blows must seem to be given in jest, as it is customary among us at all weddings. ay, but how shall we know the catchpole? said the man of god. all sorts of people daily resort to this castle. i have taken care of that, replied the lord. when some fellow, either on foot, or on a scurvy jade, with a large broad silver ring on his thumb, comes to the door, he is certainly a catchpole; the porter having civilly let him in, shall ring the bell; then be all ready, and come into the hall, to act the tragi-comedy whose plot i have now laid for you. that numerical day, as chance would have it, came an old fat ruddy catchpole. having knocked at the gate, and then pissed, as most men will do, the porter soon found him out, by his large greasy spatterdashes, his jaded hollow-flanked mare, his bagful of writs and informations dangling at his girdle, but, above all, by the large silver hoop on his left thumb. the porter was civil to him, admitted him in kindly, and rung the bell briskly. as soon as the baker and his wife heard it, they clapped on their best clothes, and made their personal appearance in the hall, keeping their gravities like a new-made judge. the dominie put on his surplice and stole, and as he came out of his office, met the catchpole, had him in there, and made him suck his face a good while, while the gauntlets were drawing on all hands; and then told him, you are come just in pudding-time; my lord is in his right cue. we shall feast like kings anon; here is to be swingeing doings; we have a wedding in the house; here, drink and cheer up; pull away. while these two were at it hand-to-fist, basche, seeing all his people in the hall in their proper equipage, sends for the vicar. oudart comes with the holy-water pot, followed by the catchpole, who, as he came into the hall, did not forget to make good store of awkward cringes, and then served basche with a writ. basche gave him grimace for grimace, slipped an angel into his mutton-fist, and prayed him to assist at the contract and ceremony; which he did. when it was ended, thumps and fisticuffs began to fly about among the assistants; but when it came to the catchpole's turn, they all laid on him so unmercifully with their gauntlets that they at last settled him, all stunned and battered, bruised and mortified, with one of his eyes black and blue, eight ribs bruised, his brisket sunk in, his omoplates in four quarters, his under jawbone in three pieces; and all this in jest, and no harm done. god wot how the levite belaboured him, hiding within the long sleeve of his canonical shirt his huge steel gauntlet lined with ermine; for he was a strong-built ball, and an old dog at fisticuffs. the catchpole, all of a bloody tiger-like stripe, with much ado crawled home to l'isle bouchart, well pleased and edified, however, with basche's kind reception; and, with the help of the good surgeons of the place, lived as long as you would have him. from that time to this, not a word of the business; the memory of it was lost with the sound of the bells that rung with joy at his funeral. chapter 4.xiii. how, like master francis villon, the lord of basche commended his servants. the catchpole being packed off on blind sorrel--so he called his one-eyed mare--basche sent for his lady, her women, and all his servants, into the arbour of his garden; had wine brought, attended with good store of pasties, hams, fruit, and other table-ammunition, for a nunchion; drank with them joyfully, and then told them this story: master francis villon in his old age retired to st. maxent in poitou, under the patronage of a good honest abbot of the place. there to make sport for the mob, he undertook to get the passion acted, after the way, and in the dialect of the country. the parts being distributed, the play having been rehearsed, and the stage prepared, he told the mayor and aldermen that the mystery might be ready after niort fair, and that there only wanted properties and necessaries, but chiefly clothes fit for the parts; so the mayor and his brethren took care to get them. villon, to dress an old clownish father greybeard, who was to represent god the father, begged of friar stephen tickletoby, sacristan to the franciscan friars of the place, to lend him a cope and a stole. tickletoby refused him, alleging that by their provincial statutes it was rigorously forbidden to give or lend anything to players. villon replied that the statute reached no farther than farces, drolls, antics, loose and dissolute games, and that he asked no more than what he had seen allowed at brussels and other places. tickletoby notwithstanding peremptorily bid him provide himself elsewhere if he would, and not to hope for anything out of his monastical wardrobe. villon gave an account of this to the players, as of a most abominable action; adding, that god would shortly revenge himself, and make an example of tickletoby. the saturday following he had notice given him that tickletoby, upon the filly of the convent--so they call a young mare that was never leaped yet --was gone a-mumping to st. ligarius, and would be back about two in the afternoon. knowing this, he made a cavalcade of his devils of the passion through the town. they were all rigged with wolves', calves', and rams' skins, laced and trimmed with sheep's heads, bull's feathers, and large kitchen tenterhooks, girt with broad leathern girdles, whereat hanged dangling huge cow-bells and horse-bells, which made a horrid din. some held in their claws black sticks full of squibs and crackers; others had long lighted pieces of wood, upon which, at the corner of every street, they flung whole handfuls of rosin-dust, that made a terrible fire and smoke. having thus led them about, to the great diversion of the mob and the dreadful fear of little children, he finally carried them to an entertainment at a summer-house without the gate that leads to st. ligarius. as they came near to the place, he espied tickletoby afar off, coming home from mumping, and told them in macaronic verse: hic est de patria, natus, de gente belistra, qui solet antiqua bribas portare bisacco. (motteux reads: 'hic est mumpator natus de gente cucowli, qui solet antiquo scrappas portare bisacco.') a plague on his friarship, said the devils then; the lousy beggar would not lend a poor cope to the fatherly father; let us fright him. well said, cried villon; but let us hide ourselves till he comes by, and then charge him home briskly with your squibs and burning sticks. tickletoby being come to the place, they all rushed on a sudden into the road to meet him, and in a frightful manner threw fire from all sides upon him and his filly foal, ringing and tingling their bells, and howling like so many real devils, hho, hho, hho, hho, brrou, rrou, rrourrs, rrrourrs, hoo, hou, hou hho, hho, hhoi. friar stephen, don't we play the devils rarely? the filly was soon scared out of her seven senses, and began to start, to funk it, to squirt it, to trot it, to fart it, to bound it, to gallop it, to kick it, to spurn it, to calcitrate it, to wince it, to frisk it, to leap it, to curvet it, with double jerks, and bum-motions; insomuch that she threw down tickletoby, though he held fast by the tree of the pack-saddle with might and main. now his straps and stirrups were of cord; and on the right side his sandals were so entangled and twisted that he could not for the heart's blood of him get out his foot. thus he was dragged about by the filly through the road, scratching his bare breech all the way; she still multiplying her kicks against him, and straying for fear over hedge and ditch, insomuch that she trepanned his thick skull so that his cockle brains were dashed out near the osanna or high-cross. then his arms fell to pieces, one this way and the other that way; and even so were his legs served at the same time. then she made a bloody havoc with his puddings; and being got to the convent, brought back only his right foot and twisted sandal, leaving them to guess what was become of the rest. villon, seeing that things had succeeded as he intended, said to his devils, you will act rarely, gentlemen devils, you will act rarely; i dare engage you'll top your parts. i defy the devils of saumur, douay, montmorillon, langez, st. espain, angers; nay, by gad, even those of poictiers, for all their bragging and vapouring, to match you. thus, friends, said basche, i foresee that hereafter you will act rarely this tragical farce, since the very first time you have so skilfully hampered, bethwacked, belammed, and bebumped the catchpole. from this day i double your wages. as for you, my dear, said he to his lady, make your gratifications as you please; you are my treasurer, you know. for my part, first and foremost, i drink to you all. come on, box it about; it is good and cool. in the second place, you, mr. steward, take this silver basin; i give it you freely. then you, my gentlemen of the horse, take these two silver-gilt cups, and let not the pages be horsewhipped these three months. my dear, let them have my best white plumes of feathers, with the gold buckles to them. sir oudart, this silver flagon falls to your share; this other i give to the cooks. to the valets de chambre i give this silver basket; to the grooms, this silver-gilt boat; to the porter, these two plates; to the hostlers, these ten porringers. trudon, take you these silver spoons and this sugar-box. you, footman, take this large salt. serve me well, and i will remember you. for, on the word of a gentleman, i had rather bear in war one hundred blows on my helmet in the service of my country than be once cited by these knavish catchpoles merely to humour this same gorbellied prior. chapter 4.xiv. a further account of catchpoles who were drubbed at basche's house. four days after another young, long-shanked, raw-boned catchpole coming to serve basche with a writ at the fat prior's request, was no sooner at the gate but the porter smelt him out and rung the bell; at whose second pull all the family understood the mystery. loire was kneading his dough; his wife was sifting meal; oudart was toping in his office; the gentlemen were playing at tennis; the lord basche at in-and-out with my lady; the waiting-men and gentle-women at push-pin; the officers at lanterloo, and the pages at hot-cockles, giving one another smart bangs. they were all immediately informed that a catchpole was housed. upon this oudart put on his sacerdotal, and loire and his wife their nuptial badges; trudon piped it, and then tabored it like mad; all made haste to get ready, not forgetting the gauntlets. basche went into the outward yard; there the catchpole meeting him fell on his marrow-bones, begged of him not to take it ill if he served him with a writ at the suit of the fat prior; and in a pathetic speech let him know that he was a public person, a servant to the monking tribe, apparitor to the abbatial mitre, ready to do as much for him, nay, for the least of his servants, whensoever he would employ and use him. nay, truly, said the lord, you shall not serve your writ till you have tasted some of my good quinquenays wine, and been a witness to a wedding which we are to have this very minute. let him drink and refresh himself, added he, turning towards the levitical butler, and then bring him into the hall. after which, catchpole, well stuffed and moistened, came with oudart to the place where all the actors in the farce stood ready to begin. the sight of their game set them a-laughing, and the messenger of mischief grinned also for company's sake. then the mysterious words were muttered to and by the couple, their hands joined, the bride bussed, and all besprinkled with holy water. while they were bringing wine and kickshaws, thumps began to trot about by dozens. the catchpole gave the levite several blows. oudart, who had his gauntlet hid under his canonical shirt, draws it on like a mitten, and then, with his clenched fist, souse he fell on the catchpole and mauled him like a devil; the junior gauntlets dropped on him likewise like so many battering rams. remember the wedding by this, by that, by these blows, said they. in short, they stroked him so to the purpose that he pissed blood out at mouth, nose, ears, and eyes, and was bruised, thwacked, battered, bebumped, and crippled at the back, neck, breast, arms, and so forth. never did the bachelors at avignon in carnival time play more melodiously at raphe than was then played on the catchpole's microcosm. at last down he fell. they threw a great deal of wine on his snout, tied round the sleeve of his doublet a fine yellow and green favour, and got him upon his snotty beast, and god knows how he got to l'isle bouchart; where i cannot truly tell you whether he was dressed and looked after or no, both by his spouse and the able doctors of the country; for the thing never came to my ears. the next day they had a third part to the same tune, because it did not appear by the lean catchpole's bag that he had served his writ. so the fat prior sent a new catchpole, at the head of a brace of bums for his garde du corps, to summon my lord. the porter ringing the bell, the whole family was overjoyed, knowing that it was another rogue. basche was at dinner with his lady and the gentlemen; so he sent for the catchpole, made him sit by him, and the bums by the women, and made them eat till their bellies cracked with their breeches unbuttoned. the fruit being served, the catchpole arose from table, and before the bums cited basche. basche kindly asked him for a copy of the warrant, which the other had got ready; he then takes witness and a copy of the summons. to the catchpole and his bums he ordered four ducats for civility money. in the meantime all were withdrawn for the farce. so trudon gave the alarm with his tabor. basche desired the catchpole to stay and see one of his servants married, and witness the contract of marriage, paying him his fee. the catchpole slapdash was ready, took out his inkhorn, got paper immediately, and his bums by him. then loire came into the hall at one door, and his wife with the gentlewomen at another, in nuptial accoutrements. oudart, in pontificalibus, takes them both by their hands, asketh them their will, giveth them the matrimonial blessing, and was very liberal of holy water. the contract written, signed, and registered, on one side was brought wine and comfits; on the other, white and orange-tawny-coloured favours were distributed; on another, gauntlets privately handed about. chapter 4.xv. how the ancient custom at nuptials is renewed by the catchpole. the catchpole, having made shift to get down a swingeing sneaker of breton wine, said to basche, pray, sir, what do you mean? you do not give one another the memento of the wedding. by st. joseph's wooden shoe, all good customs are forgot. we find the form, but the hare is scampered; and the nest, but the birds are flown. there are no true friends nowadays. you see how, in several churches, the ancient laudable custom of tippling on account of the blessed saints o o, at christmas, is come to nothing. the world is in its dotage, and doomsday is certainly coming all so fast. now come on; the wedding, the wedding, the wedding; remember it by this. this he said, striking basche and his lady; then her women and the levite. then the tabor beat a point of war, and the gauntlets began to do their duty; insomuch that the catchpole had his crown cracked in no less than nine places. one of the bums had his right arm put out of joint, and the other his upper jaw-bone or mandibule dislocated so that it hid half his chin, with a denudation of the uvula, and sad loss of the molar, masticatory, and canine teeth. then the tabor beat a retreat; the gauntlets were carefully hid in a trice, and sweetmeats afresh distributed to renew the mirth of the company. so they all drank to one another, and especially to the catchpole and his bums. but oudart cursed and damned the wedding to the pit of hell, complaining that one of the bums had utterly disincornifistibulated his nether shoulder-blade. nevertheless, he scorned to be thought a flincher, and made shift to tope to him on the square. the jawless bum shrugged up his shoulders, joined his hands, and by signs begged his pardon; for speak he could not. the sham bridegroom made his moan, that the crippled bum had struck him such a horrid thump with his shoulder-of-mutton fist on the nether elbow that he was grown quite esperruquanchuzelubelouzerireliced down to his very heel, to the no small loss of mistress bride. but what harm had poor i done? cried trudon, hiding his left eye with his kerchief, and showing his tabor cracked on one side; they were not satisfied with thus poaching, black and bluing, and morrambouzevezengouzequoquemorgasacbaquevezinemaffreliding my poor eyes, but they have also broke my harmless drum. drums indeed are commonly beaten at weddings, and it is fit they should; but drummers are well entertained and never beaten. now let beelzebub e'en take the drum, to make his devilship a nightcap. brother, said the lame catchpole, never fret thyself; i will make thee a present of a fine, large, old patent, which i have here in my bag, to patch up thy drum, and for madame st. ann's sake i pray thee forgive us. by our lady of riviere, the blessed dame, i meant no more harm than the child unborn. one of the equerries, who, hopping and halting like a mumping cripple, mimicked the good limping lord de la roche posay, directed his discourse to the bum with the pouting jaw, and told him: what, mr. manhound, was it not enough thus to have morcrocastebezasteverestegrigeligoscopapopondrillated us all in our upper members with your botched mittens, but you must also apply such morderegripippiatabirofreluchamburelurecaquelurintimpaniments on our shinbones with the hard tops and extremities of your cobbled shoes. do you call this children's play? by the mass, 'tis no jest. the bum, wringing his hands, seemed to beg his pardon, muttering with his tongue, mon, mon, mon, vrelon, von, von, like a dumb man. the bride crying laughed, and laughing cried, because the catchpole was not satisfied with drubbing her without choice or distinction of members, but had also rudely roused and toused her, pulled off her topping, and not having the fear of her husband before his eyes, treacherously trepignemanpenillorifrizonoufresterfumbled tumbled and squeezed her lower parts. the devil go with it, said basche; there was much need indeed that this same master king (this was the catchpole's name) should thus break my wife's back; however, i forgive him now; these are little nuptial caresses. but this i plainly perceive, that he cited me like an angel, and drubbed me like a devil. he had something in him of friar thumpwell. come, for all this, i must drink to him, and to you likewise, his trusty esquires. but, said his lady, why hath he been so very liberal of his manual kindness to me, without the least provocation? i assure you, i by no means like it; but this i dare say for him, that he hath the hardest knuckles that ever i felt on my shoulders. the steward held his left arm in a scarf, as if it had been rent and torn in twain. i think it was the devil, said he, that moved me to assist at these nuptials; shame on ill luck; i must needs be meddling with a pox, and now see what i have got by the bargain, both my arms are wretchedly engoulevezinemassed and bruised. do you call this a wedding? by st. bridget's tooth, i had rather be at that of a tom t--d-man. this is, o' my word, even just such another feast as was that of the lapithae, described by the philosopher of samosata. one of the bums had lost his tongue. the other two, tho' they had more need to complain, made their excuse as well as they could, protesting that they had no ill design in this dumbfounding; begging that, for goodness sake, they would forgive them; and so, tho' they could hardly budge a foot, or wag along, away they crawled. about a mile from basche's seat, the catchpole found himself somewhat out of sorts. the bums got to l'isle bouchart, publicly saying that since they were born they had never seen an honester gentleman than the lord of basche, or civiller people than his, and that they had never been at the like wedding (which i verily believe); but that it was their own faults if they had been tickled off, and tossed about from post to pillar, since themselves had began the beating. so they lived i cannot exactly tell you how many days after this. but from that time to this it was held for a certain truth that basche's money was more pestilential, mortal, and pernicious to the catchpoles and bums than were formerly the aurum tholosanum and the sejan horse to those that possessed them. ever since this he lived quietly, and basche's wedding grew into a common proverb. chapter 4.xvi. how friar john made trial of the nature of the catchpoles. this story would seem pleasant enough, said pantagruel, were we not to have always the fear of god before our eyes. it had been better, said epistemon, if those gauntlets had fallen upon the fat prior. since he took a pleasure in spending his money partly to vex basche, partly to see those catchpoles banged, good lusty thumps would have done well on his shaved crown, considering the horrid concussions nowadays among those puny judges. what harm had done those poor devils the catchpoles? this puts me in mind, said pantagruel, of an ancient roman named l. neratius. he was of noble blood, and for some time was rich; but had this tyrannical inclination, that whenever he went out of doors he caused his servants to fill their pockets with gold and silver, and meeting in the street your spruce gallants and better sort of beaux, without the least provocation, for his fancy, he used to strike them hard on the face with his fist; and immediately after that, to appease them and hinder them from complaining to the magistrates, he would give them as much money as satisfied them according to the law of the twelve tables. thus he used to spend his revenue, beating people for the price of his money. by st. bennet's sacred boot, quoth friar john, i will know the truth of it presently. this said, he went on shore, put his hand in his fob, and took out twenty ducats; then said with a loud voice, in the hearing of a shoal of the nation of catchpoles, who will earn twenty ducats for being beaten like the devil? io, io, io, said they all; you will cripple us for ever, sir, that is most certain; but the money is tempting. with this they were all thronging who should be first to be thus preciously beaten. friar john singled him out of the whole knot of these rogues in grain, a red-snouted catchpole, who upon his right thumb wore a thick broad silver hoop, wherein was set a good large toadstone. he had no sooner picked him out from the rest, but i perceived that they all muttered and grumbled; and i heard a young thin-jawed catchpole, a notable scholar, a pretty fellow at his pen, and, according to public report, much cried up for his honesty at doctors' commons, making his complaint and muttering because this same crimson phiz carried away all the practice, and that if there were but a score and a half of bastinadoes to be got, he would certainly run away with eight and twenty of them. but all this was looked upon to be nothing but mere envy. friar john so unmercifully thrashed, thumped, and belaboured red-snout, back and belly, sides, legs, and arms, head, feet, and so forth, with the home and frequently repeated application of one of the best members of a faggot, that i took him to be a dead man; then he gave him the twenty ducats, which made the dog get on his legs, pleased like a little king or two. the rest were saying to friar john, sir, sir, brother devil, if it please you to do us the favour to beat some of us for less money, we are all at your devilship's command, bags, papers, pens, and all. red-snout cried out against them, saying, with a loud voice, body of me, you little prigs, will you offer to take the bread out of my mouth? will you take my bargain over my head? would you draw and inveigle from me my clients and customers? take notice, i summon you before the official this day sevennight; i will law and claw you like any old devil of vauverd, that i will--then turning himself towards friar john, with a smiling and joyful look, he said to him, reverend father in the devil, if you have found me a good hide, and have a mind to divert yourself once more by beating your humble servant, i will bate you half in half this time rather than lose your custom; do not spare me, i beseech you; i am all, and more than all, yours, good mr. devil; head, lungs, tripes, guts, and garbage; and that at a pennyworth, i'll assure you. friar john never heeded his proffers, but even left them. the other catchpoles were making addresses to panurge, epistemon, gymnast, and others, entreating them charitably to bestow upon their carcasses a small beating, for otherwise they were in danger of keeping a long fast; but none of them had a stomach to it. some time after, seeking fresh water for the ship's company, we met a couple of old female catchpoles of the place, miserably howling and weeping in concert. pantagruel had kept on board, and already had caused a retreat to be sounded. thinking that they might be related to the catchpole that was bastinadoed, we asked them the occasion of their grief. they replied that they had too much cause to weep; for that very hour, from an exalted triple tree, two of the honestest gentlemen in catchpole-land had been made to cut a caper on nothing. cut a caper on nothing, said gymnast; my pages use to cut capers on the ground; to cut a caper on nothing should be hanging and choking, or i am out. ay, ay, said friar john; you speak of it like st. john de la palisse. we asked them why they treated these worthy persons with such a choking hempen salad. they told us they had only borrowed, alias stolen, the tools of the mass and hid them under the handle of the parish. this is a very allegorical way of speaking, said epistemon. chapter 4.xvii. how pantagruel came to the islands of tohu and bohu; and of the strange death of wide-nostrils, the swallower of windmills. that day pantagruel came to the two islands of tohu and bohu, where the devil a bit we could find anything to fry with. for one wide-nostrils, a huge giant, had swallowed every individual pan, skillet, kettle, frying-pan, dripping-pan, and brass and iron pot in the land, for want of windmills, which were his daily food. whence it happened that somewhat before day, about the hour of his digestion, the greedy churl was taken very ill with a kind of a surfeit, or crudity of stomach, occasioned, as the physicians said, by the weakness of the concocting faculty of his stomach, naturally disposed to digest whole windmills at a gust, yet unable to consume perfectly the pans and skillets; though it had indeed pretty well digested the kettles and pots, as they said they knew by the hypostases and eneoremes of four tubs of second-hand drink which he had evacuated at two different times that morning. they made use of divers remedies, according to art, to give him ease; but all would not do; the distemper prevailed over the remedies; insomuch that the famous wide-nostrils died that morning of so strange a death that i think you ought no longer to wonder at that of the poet aeschylus. it had been foretold him by the soothsayers that he would die on a certain day by the ruin of something that should fall on him. the fatal day being come in its turn, he removed himself out of town, far from all houses, trees, (rocks,) or any other things that can fall and endanger by their ruin; and strayed in a large field, trusting himself to the open sky; there very secure, as he thought, unless indeed the sky should happen to fall, which he held to be impossible. yet they say that the larks are much afraid of it; for if it should fall, they must all be taken. the celts that once lived near the rhine--they are our noble valiant french--in ancient times were also afraid of the sky's falling; for being asked by alexander the great what they feared most in this world, hoping well they would say that they feared none but him, considering his great achievements, they made answer that they feared nothing but the sky's falling; however, not refusing to enter into a confederacy with so brave a king, if you believe strabo, lib. 7, and arrian, lib. i. plutarch also, in his book of the face that appears on the body of the moon, speaks of one phenaces, who very much feared the moon should fall on the earth, and pitied those that live under that planet, as the aethiopians and taprobanians, if so heavy a mass ever happened to fall on them, and would have feared the like of heaven and earth had they not been duly propped up and borne by the atlantic pillars, as the ancients believed, according to aristotle's testimony, lib. 5, metaphys. notwithstanding all this, poor aeschylus was killed by the fall of the shell of a tortoise, which falling from betwixt the claws of an eagle high in the air, just on his head, dashed out his brains. neither ought you to wonder at the death of another poet, i mean old jolly anacreon, who was choked with a grape-stone. nor at that of fabius the roman praetor, who was choked with a single goat's hair as he was supping up a porringer of milk. nor at the death of that bashful fool, who by holding in his wind, and for want of letting out a bum-gunshot, died suddenly in the presence of the emperor claudius. nor at that of the italian buried on the via flaminia at rome, who in his epitaph complains that the bite of a she-puss on his little finger was the cause of his death. nor of that of q. lecanius bassus, who died suddenly of so small a prick with a needle on his left thumb that it could hardly be discerned. nor of quenelault, a norman physician, who died suddenly at montpellier, merely for having sideways took a worm out of his hand with a penknife. nor of philomenes, whose servant having got him some new figs for the first course of his dinner, whilst he went to fetch wine, a straggling well-hung ass got into the house, and seeing the figs on the table, without further invitation soberly fell to. philomenes coming into the room and nicely observing with what gravity the ass ate its dinner, said to the man, who was come back, since thou hast set figs here for this reverend guest of ours to eat, methinks it is but reason thou also give him some of this wine to drink. he had no sooner said this, but he was so excessively pleased, and fell into so exorbitant a fit of laughter, that the use of his spleen took that of his breath utterly away, and he immediately died. nor of spurius saufeius, who died supping up a soft-boiled egg as he came out of a bath. nor of him who, as boccaccio tells us, died suddenly by picking his grinders with a sage-stalk. nor of phillipot placut, who being brisk and hale, fell dead as he was paying an old debt; which causes, perhaps, many not to pay theirs, for fear of the like accident. nor of the painter zeuxis, who killed himself with laughing at the sight of the antique jobbernowl of an old hag drawn by him. nor, in short, of a thousand more of which authors write, as varrius, pliny, valerius, j. baptista fulgosus, and bacabery the elder. in short, gaffer wide-nostrils choked himself with eating a huge lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot oven by the advice of physicians. they likewise told us there that the king of cullan in bohu had routed the grandees of king mecloth, and made sad work with the fortresses of belima. after this, we sailed by the islands of nargues and zargues; also by the islands of teleniabin and geleniabin, very fine and fruitful in ingredients for clysters; and then by the islands of enig and evig, on whose account formerly the landgrave of hesse was swinged off with a vengeance. chapter 4.xviii. how pantagruel met with a great storm at sea. the next day we espied nine sail that came spooning before the wind; they were full of dominicans, jesuits, capuchins, hermits, austins, bernardins, egnatins, celestins, theatins, amadeans, cordeliers, carmelites, minims, and the devil and all of other holy monks and friars, who were going to the council of chesil, to sift and garble some new articles of faith against the new heretics. panurge was overjoyed to see them, being most certain of good luck for that day and a long train of others. so having courteously saluted the blessed fathers, and recommended the salvation of his precious soul to their devout prayers and private ejaculations, he caused seventy-eight dozen of westphalia hams, units of pots of caviare, tens of bolonia sausages, hundreds of botargoes, and thousands of fine angels, for the souls of the dead, to be thrown on board their ships. pantagruel seemed metagrabolized, dozing, out of sorts, and as melancholic as a cat. friar john, who soon perceived it, was inquiring of him whence should come this unusual sadness; when the master, whose watch it was, observing the fluttering of the ancient above the poop, and seeing that it began to overcast, judged that we should have wind; therefore he bid the boatswain call all hands upon deck, officers, sailors, foremast-men, swabbers, and cabin-boys, and even the passengers; made them first settle their topsails, take in their spritsail; then he cried, in with your topsails, lower the foresail, tallow under parrels, braid up close all them sails, strike your topmasts to the cap, make all sure with your sheeps-feet, lash your guns fast. all this was nimbly done. immediately it blowed a storm; the sea began to roar and swell mountain-high; the rut of the sea was great, the waves breaking upon our ship's quarter; the north-west wind blustered and overblowed; boisterous gusts, dreadful clashing, and deadly scuds of wind whistled through our yards and made our shrouds rattle again. the thunder grumbled so horridly that you would have thought heaven had been tumbling about our ears; at the same time it lightened, rained, hailed; the sky lost its transparent hue, grew dusky, thick, and gloomy, so that we had no other light than that of the flashes of lightning and rending of the clouds. the hurricanes, flaws, and sudden whirlwinds began to make a flame about us by the lightnings, fiery vapours, and other aerial ejaculations. oh, how our looks were full of amazement and trouble, while the saucy winds did rudely lift up above us the mountainous waves of the main! believe me, it seemed to us a lively image of the chaos, where fire, air, sea, land, and all the elements were in a refractory confusion. poor panurge having with the full contents of the inside of his doublet plentifully fed the fish, greedy enough of such odious fare, sat on the deck all in a heap, with his nose and arse together, most sadly cast down, moping and half dead; invoked and called to his assistance all the blessed heand she-saints he could muster up; swore and vowed to confess in time and place convenient, and then bawled out frightfully, steward, maitre d'hotel, see ho! my friend, my father, my uncle, prithee let us have a piece of powdered beef or pork; we shall drink but too much anon, for aught i see. eat little and drink the more will hereafter be my motto, i fear. would to our dear lord, and to our blessed, worthy, and sacred lady, i were now, i say, this very minute of an hour, well on shore, on terra firma, hale and easy. o twice and thrice happy those that plant cabbages! o destinies, why did you not spin me for a cabbage-planter? o how few are there to whom jupiter hath been so favourable as to predestinate them to plant cabbages! they have always one foot on the ground, and the other not far from it. dispute who will of felicity and summum bonum, for my part whosoever plants cabbages is now, by my decree, proclaimed most happy; for as good a reason as the philosopher pyrrho, being in the same danger, and seeing a hog near the shore eating some scattered oats, declared it happy in two respects; first, because it had plenty of oats, and besides that, was on shore. ha, for a divine and princely habitation, commend me to the cows' floor. murder! this wave will sweep us away, blessed saviour! o my friends! a little vinegar. i sweat again with mere agony. alas! the mizen-sail's split, the gallery's washed away, the masts are sprung, the maintop-masthead dives into the sea; the keel is up to the sun; our shrouds are almost all broke, and blown away. alas! alas! where is our main course? al is verlooren, by godt! our topmast is run adrift. alas! who shall have this wreck? friend, lend me here behind you one of these whales. your lantern is fallen, my lads. alas! do not let go the main-tack nor the bowline. i hear the block crack; is it broke? for the lord's sake, let us have the hull, and let all the rigging be damned. be, be, be, bous, bous, bous. look to the needle of your compass, i beseech you, good sir astrophil, and tell us, if you can, whence comes this storm. my heart's sunk down below my midriff. by my troth, i am in a sad fright, bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, i am lost for ever. i conskite myself for mere madness and fear. bou, bou, bou, bou, otto to to to to ti. bou, bou, bou, ou, ou, ou, bou, bou, bous. i sink, i'm drowned, i'm gone, good people, i'm drowned. chapter 4.xix. what countenances panurge and friar john kept during the storm. pantagruel, having first implored the help of the great and almighty deliverer, and prayed publicly with fervent devotion, by the pilot's advice held tightly the mast of the ship. friar john had stripped himself to his waistcoat, to help the seamen. epistemon, ponocrates, and the rest did as much. panurge alone sat on his breech upon deck, weeping and howling. friar john espied him going on the quarter-deck, and said to him, odzoons! panurge the calf, panurge the whiner, panurge the brayer, would it not become thee much better to lend us here a helping hand than to lie lowing like a cow, as thou dost, sitting on thy stones like a bald-breeched baboon? be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, returned panurge; friar john, my friend, my good father, i am drowning, my dear friend! i drown! i am a dead man, my dear father in god; i am a dead man, my friend; your cutting hanger cannot save me from this; alas! alas! we are above ela. above the pitch, out of tune, and off the hinges. be, be, be, bou, bous. alas! we are now above g sol re ut. i sink, i sink, ha, my father, my uncle, my all. the water is got into my shoes by the collar; bous, bous, bous, paish, hu, hu, hu, he, he, he, ha, ha, i drown. alas! alas! hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, hu, be, be, bous, bous, bobous, bobous, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, alas! alas! now i am like your tumblers, my feet stand higher than my head. would to heaven i were now with those good holy fathers bound for the council whom we met this morning, so godly, so fat, so merry, so plump and comely. holos, bolos, holas, holas, alas! this devilish wave (mea culpa deus), i mean this wave of god, will sink our vessel. alas! friar john, my father, my friend, confession. here i am down on my knees; confiteor; your holy blessing. come hither and be damned, thou pitiful devil, and help us, said friar john (who fell a-swearing and cursing like a tinker), in the name of thirty legions of black devils, come; will you come? do not let us swear at this time, said panurge; holy father, my friend, do not swear, i beseech you; to-morrow as much as you please. holos, holos, alas! our ship leaks. i drown, alas, alas! i will give eighteen hundred thousand crowns to anyone that will set me on shore, all berayed and bedaubed as i am now. if ever there was a man in my country in the like pickle. confiteor, alas! a word or two of testament or codicil at least. a thousand devils seize the cuckoldy cow-hearted mongrel, cried friar john. ods-belly, art thou talking here of making thy will now we are in danger, and it behoveth us to bestir our stumps lustily, or never? wilt thou come, ho devil? midshipman, my friend; o the rare lieutenant; here gymnast, here on the poop. we are, by the mass, all beshit now; our light is out. this is hastening to the devil as fast as it can. alas, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, alas, alas, alas, alas! said panurge; was it here we were born to perish? oh! ho! good people, i drown, i die. consummatum est. i am sped--magna, gna, gna, said friar john. fie upon him, how ugly the shitten howler looks. boy, younker, see hoyh. mind the pumps or the devil choke thee. hast thou hurt thyself? zoons, here fasten it to one of these blocks. on this side, in the devil's name, hay--so, my boy. ah, friar john, said panurge, good ghostly father, dear friend, don't let us swear, you sin. oh, ho, oh, ho, be be be bous, bous, bhous, i sink, i die, my friends. i die in charity with all the world. farewell, in manus. bohus bohous, bhousowauswaus. st. michael of aure! st. nicholas! now, now or never, i here make you a solemn vow, and to our saviour, that if you stand by me this time, i mean if you set me ashore out of this danger, i will build you a fine large little chapel or two, between quande and montsoreau, where neither cow nor calf shall feed. oh ho, oh ho. above eighteen pailfuls or two of it are got down my gullet; bous, bhous, bhous, bhous, how damned bitter and salt it is! by the virtue, said friar john, of the blood, the flesh, the belly, the head, if i hear thee again howling, thou cuckoldy cur, i'll maul thee worse than any sea-wolf. ods-fish, why don't we take him up by the lugs and throw him overboard to the bottom of the sea? hear, sailor; ho, honest fellow. thus, thus, my friend, hold fast above. in truth, here is a sad lightning and thundering; i think that all the devils are got loose; it is holiday with them; or else madame proserpine is in child's labour: all the devils dance a morrice. chapter 4.xx. how the pilots were forsaking their ships in the greatest stress of weather. oh, said panurge, you sin, friar john, my former crony! former, i say, for at this time i am no more, you are no more. it goes against my heart to tell it you; for i believe this swearing doth your spleen a great deal of good; as it is a great ease to a wood-cleaver to cry hem at every blow, and as one who plays at ninepins is wonderfully helped if, when he hath not thrown his bowl right, and is like to make a bad cast, some ingenious stander-by leans and screws his body halfway about on that side which the bowl should have took to hit the pins. nevertheless, you offend, my sweet friend. but what do you think of eating some kind of cabirotadoes? wouldn't this secure us from this storm? i have read that the ministers of the gods cabiri, so much celebrated by orpheus, apollonius, pherecydes, strabo, pausanias, and herodotus were always secure in time of storm. he dotes, he raves, the poor devil! a thousand, a million, nay, a hundred million of devils seize the hornified doddipole. lend's a hand here, hoh, tiger, wouldst thou? here, on the starboard side. ods-me, thou buffalo's head stuffed with relics, what ape's paternoster art thou muttering and chattering here between thy teeth? that devil of a sea-calf is the cause of all this storm, and is the only man who doth not lend a helping hand. by g--, if i come near thee, i'll fetch thee out by the head and ears with a vengeance, and chastise thee like any tempestative devil. here, mate, my lad, hold fast, till i have made a double knot. o brave boy! would to heaven thou wert abbot of talemouze, and that he that is were guardian of croullay. hold, brother ponocrates, you will hurt yourself, man. epistemon, prithee stand off out of the hatchway. methinks i saw the thunder fall there but just now. con the ship, so ho--mind your steerage. well said, thus, thus, steady, keep her thus, get the longboat clear --steady. ods-fish, the beak-head is staved to pieces. grumble, devils, fart, belch, shite, a t--d o' the wave. if this be weather, the devil's a ram. nay, by g--, a little more would have washed me clear away into the current. i think all the legions of devils hold here their provincial chapter, or are polling, canvassing, and wrangling for the election of a new rector. starboard; well said. take heed; have a care of your noddle, lad, in the devil's name. so ho, starboard, starboard. be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, cried panurge; bous, bous, be, be, be, bous, bous, i am lost. i see neither heaven nor earth; of the four elements we have here only fire and water left. bou, bou, bou, bous, bous, bous. would it were the pleasure of the worthy divine bounty that i were at this present hour in the close at seuille, or at innocent's the pastry-cook over against the painted wine-vault at chinon, though i were to strip to my doublet, and bake the petti-pasties myself. honest man, could not you throw me ashore? you can do a world of good things, they say. i give you all salmigondinois, and my large shore full of whelks, cockles, and periwinkles, if, by your industry, i ever set foot on firm ground. alas, alas! i drown. harkee, my friends, since we cannot get safe into port, let us come to an anchor in some road, no matter whither. drop all your anchors; let us be out of danger, i beseech you. here, honest tar, get you into the chains, and heave the lead, an't please you. let us know how many fathom water we are in. sound, friend, in the lord harry's name. let us know whether a man might here drink easily without stooping. i am apt to believe one might. helm a-lee, hoh, cried the pilot. helm a-lee; a hand or two at the helm; about ships with her; helm a-lee, helm a-lee. stand off from the leech of the sail. hoh! belay, here make fast below; hoh, helm a-lee, lash sure the helm a-lee, and let her drive. is it come to that? said pantagruel; our good saviour then help us. let her lie under the sea, cried james brahier, our chief mate; let her drive. to prayers, to prayers; let all think on their souls, and fall to prayers; nor hope to escape but by a miracle. let us, said panurge, make some good pious kind of vow; alas, alas, alas! bou, bou, be, be, be, bous, bous, bous, oho, oho, oho, oho, let us make a pilgrim; come, come, let every man club his penny towards it, come on. here, here, on this side, said friar john, in the devil's name. let her drive, for the lord's sake unhang the rudder; hoh, let her drive, let her drive, and let us drink, i say, of the best and most cheering; d'ye hear, steward? produce, exhibit; for, d'ye see this, and all the rest will as well go to the devil out of hand. a pox on that wind-broker aeolus, with his fluster-blusters. sirrah, page, bring me here my drawer (for so he called his breviary); stay a little here; haul, friend, thus. odzoons, here is a deal of hail and thunder to no purpose. hold fast above, i pray you. when have we all-saints day? i believe it is the unholy holiday of all the devil's crew. alas! said panurge, friar john damns himself here as black as buttermilk for the nonce. oh, what a good friend i lose in him. alas, alas! this is another gats-bout than last year's. we are falling out of scylla into charybdis. oho! i drown. confiteor; one poor word or two by way of testament, friar john, my ghostly father; good mr. abstractor, my crony, my achates, xenomanes, my all. alas! i drown; two words of testament here upon this ladder. chapter 4.xxi. a continuation of the storm, with a short discourse on the subject of making testaments at sea. to make one's last will, said epistemon, at this time that we ought to bestir ourselves and help our seamen, on the penalty of being drowned, seems to me as idle and ridiculous a maggot as that of some of caesar's men, who, at their coming into the gauls, were mightily busied in making wills and codicils; bemoaned their fortune and the absence of their spouses and friends at rome, when it was absolutely necessary for them to run to their arms and use their utmost strength against ariovistus their enemy. this also is to be as silly as that jolt-headed loblolly of a carter, who, having laid his waggon fast in a slough, down on his marrow-bones was calling on the strong-backed deity, hercules, might and main, to help him at a dead lift, but all the while forgot to goad on his oxen and lay his shoulder to the wheels, as it behoved him; as if a lord have mercy upon us alone would have got his cart out of the mire. what will it signify to make your will now? for either we shall come off or drown for it. if we 'scape, it will not signify a straw to us; for testaments are of no value or authority but by the death of the testators. if we are drowned, will it not be drowned too? prithee, who will transmit it to the executors? some kind wave will throw it ashore, like ulysses, replied panurge; and some king's daughter, going to fetch a walk in the fresco, on the evening will find it, and take care to have it proved and fulfilled; nay, and have some stately cenotaph erected to my memory, as dido had to that of her goodman sichaeus; aeneas to deiphobus, upon the trojan shore, near rhoete; andromache to hector, in the city of buthrot; aristotle to hermias and eubulus; the athenians to the poet euripides; the romans to drusus in germany, and to alexander severus, their emperor, in the gauls; argentier to callaischre; xenocrates to lysidices; timares to his son teleutagoras; eupolis and aristodice to their son theotimus; onestus to timocles; callimachus to sopolis, the son of dioclides; catullus to his brother; statius to his father; germain of brie to herve, the breton tarpaulin. art thou mad, said friar john, to run on at this rate? help, here, in the name of five hundred thousand millions of cartloads of devils, help! may a shanker gnaw thy moustachios, and the three rows of pock-royals and cauliflowers cover thy bum and turd-barrel instead of breeches and codpiece. codsooks, our ship is almost overset. ods-death, how shall we clear her? it is well if she do not founder. what a devilish sea there runs! she'll neither try nor hull; the sea will overtake her, so we shall never 'scape; the devil 'scape me. then pantagruel was heard to make a sad exclamation, saying, with a loud voice, lord save us, we perish; yet not as we would have it, but thy holy will be done. the lord and the blessed virgin be with us, said panurge. holos, alas, i drown; be be be bous, be bous, bous; in manus. good heavens, send me some dolphin to carry me safe on shore, like a pretty little arion. i shall make shift to sound the harp, if it be not unstrung. let nineteen legions of black devils seize me, said friar john. (the lord be with us! whispered panurge, between his chattering teeth.) if i come down to thee, i'll show thee to some purpose that the badge of thy humanity dangles at a calf's breech, thou ragged, horned, cuckoldy booby--mgna, mgnan, mgnan--come hither and help us, thou great weeping calf, or may thirty millions of devils leap on thee. wilt thou come, sea-calf? fie; how ugly the howling whelp looks. what, always the same ditty? come on now, my bonny drawer. this he said, opening his breviary. come forward, thou and i must be somewhat serious for a while; let me peruse thee stiffly. beatus vir qui non abiit. pshaw, i know all this by heart; let us see the legend of mons. st. nicholas. horrida tempestas montem turbavit acutum. tempest was a mighty flogger of lads at mountagu college. if pedants be damned for whipping poor little innocent wretches their scholars, he is, upon my honour, by this time fixed within ixion's wheel, lashing the crop-eared, bobtailed cur that gives it motion. if they are saved for having whipped innocent lads, he ought to be above the-chapter 4.xxii. an end of the storm. shore, shore! cried pantagruel. land to, my friends, i see land! pluck up a good spirit, boys, 'tis within a kenning. so! we are not far from a port.--i see the sky clearing up to the northwards.--look to the south-east! courage, my hearts, said the pilot; now she'll bear the hullock of a sail; the sea is much smoother; some hands aloft to the maintop. put the helm a-weather. steady! steady! haul your after-mizen bowlines. haul, haul, haul! thus, thus, and no near. mind your steerage; bring your main-tack aboard. clear your sheets; clear your bowlines; port, port. helm a-lee. now to the sheet on the starboard side, thou son of a whore. thou art mightily pleased, honest fellow, quoth friar john, with hearing make mention of thy mother. luff, luff, cried the quartermaster that conned the ship, keep her full, luff the helm. luff. it is, answered the steersman. keep her thus. get the bonnets fixed. steady, steady. that is well said, said friar john now, this is something like a tansy. come, come, come, children, be nimble. good. luff, luff, thus. helm a-weather. that's well said and thought on. methinks the storm is almost over. it was high time, faith; however, the lord be thanked. our devils begin to scamper. out with all your sails. hoist your sails. hoist. that is spoke like a man, hoist, hoist. here, a god's name, honest ponocrates; thou art a lusty fornicator; the whoreson will get none but boys. eusthenes, thou art a notable fellow. run up to the fore-topsail. thus, thus. well said, i' faith; thus, thus. i dare not fear anything all this while, for it is holiday. vea, vea, vea! huzza! this shout of the seaman is not amiss, and pleases me, for it is holiday. keep her full thus. good. cheer up, my merry mates all, cried out epistemon; i see already castor on the right. be, be, bous, bous, bous, said panurge; i am much afraid it is the bitch helen. it is truly mixarchagenas, returned epistemon, if thou likest better that denomination, which the argives give him. ho, ho! i see land too; let her bear in with the harbour; i see a good many people on the beach; i see a light on an obeliscolychny. shorten your sails, said the pilot; fetch the sounding line; we must double that point of land, and mind the sands. we are clear of them, said the sailors. soon after, away she goes, quoth the pilot, and so doth the rest of our fleet; help came in good season. by st. john, said panurge, this is spoke somewhat like. o the sweet word! there is the soul of music in it. mgna, mgna, mgna, said friar john; if ever thou taste a drop of it, let the devil's dam taste me, thou ballocky devil. here, honest soul, here's a full sneaker of the very best. bring the flagons; dost hear, gymnast: and that same large pasty jambic, gammonic, as you will have it. take heed you pilot her in right. cheer up, cried out pantagruel; cheer up, my boys; let us be ourselves again. do you see yonder, close by our ship, two barks, three sloops, five ships, eight pinks, four yawls, and six frigates making towards us, sent by the good people of the neighbouring island to our relief? but who is this ucalegon below, that cries and makes such a sad moan? were it not that i hold the mast firmly with both my hands, and keep it straighter than two hundred tacklings--i would--it is, said friar john, that poor devil panurge, who is troubled with a calf's ague; he quakes for fear when his belly's full. if, said pantagruel, he hath been afraid during this dreadful hurricane and dangerous storm, provided (waiving that) he hath done his part like a man, i do not value him a jot the less for it. for as to fear in all encounters is the mark of a heavy and cowardly heart, as agamemnon did, who for that reason is ignominiously taxed by achilles with having dog's eyes and a stag's heart; so, not to fear when the case is evidently dreadful is a sign of want or smallness of judgment. now, if anything ought to be feared in this life, next to offending god, i will not say it is death. i will not meddle with the disputes of socrates and the academics, that death of itself is neither bad nor to be feared, but i will affirm that this kind of shipwreck is to be feared, or nothing is. for, as homer saith, it is a grievous, dreadful, and unnatural thing to perish at sea. and indeed aeneas, in the storm that took his fleet near sicily, was grieved that he had not died by the hand of the brave diomedes, and said that those were three, nay four times happy, who perished in the conflagration at troy. no man here hath lost his life, the lord our saviour be eternally praised for it! but in truth here is a ship sadly out of order. well, we must take care to have the damage repaired. take heed we do not run aground and bulge her. chapter 4.xxiii. how panurge played the good fellow when the storm was over. what cheer, ho, fore and aft? quoth panurge. oh ho! all is well, the storm is over. i beseech ye, be so kind as to let me be the first that is sent on shore; for i would by all means a little untruss a point. shall i help you still? here, let me see, i will coil this rope; i have plenty of courage, and of fear as little as may be. give it me yonder, honest tar. no, no, i have not a bit of fear. indeed, that same decumane wave that took us fore and aft somewhat altered my pulse. down with your sails; well said. how now, friar john? you do nothing. is it time for us to drink now? who can tell but st. martin's running footman belzebuth may still be hatching us some further mischief? shall i come and help you again? pork and peas choke me, if i do heartily repent, though too late, not having followed the doctrine of the good philosopher who tells us that to walk by the sea and to navigate by the shore are very safe and pleasant things; just as 'tis to go on foot when we hold our horse by the bridle. ha! ha! ha! by g--, all goes well. shall i help you here too? let me see, i will do this as it should be, or the devil's in't. epistemon, who had the inside of one of his hands all flayed and bloody, having held a tackling with might and main, hearing what pantagruel had said, told him: you may believe, my lord, i had my share of fear as well as panurge; yet i spared no pains in lending my helping hand. i considered that, since by fatal and unavoidable necessity we must all die, it is the blessed will of god that we die this or that hour, and this or that kind of death. nevertheless, we ought to implore, invoke, pray, beseech, and supplicate him; but we must not stop there; it behoveth us also to use our endeavours on our side, and, as the holy writ saith, to co-operate with him. you know what c. flaminius, the consul, said when by hannibal's policy he was penned up near the lake of peruse, alias thrasymene. friends, said he to his soldiers, you must not hope to get out of this place barely by vows or prayers to the gods; no, 'tis by fortitude and strength we must escape and cut ourselves a way with the edge of our swords through the midst of our enemies. sallust likewise makes m. portius cato say this: the help of the gods is not obtained by idle vows and womanish complaints; 'tis by vigilance, labour, and repeated endeavours that all things succeed according to our wishes and designs. if a man in time of need and danger is negligent, heartless, and lazy, in vain he implores the gods; they are then justly angry and incensed against him. the devil take me, said friar john,--i'll go his halves, quoth panurge,--if the close of seville had not been all gathered, vintaged, gleaned, and destroyed, if i had only sung contra hostium insidias (matter of breviary) like all the rest of the monking devils, and had not bestirred myself to save the vineyard as i did, despatching the truant picaroons of lerne with the staff of the cross. let her sink or swim a god's name, said panurge, all's one to friar john; he doth nothing; his name is friar john do-little; for all he sees me here a-sweating and puffing to help with all my might this honest tar, first of the name.--hark you me, dear soul, a word with you; but pray be not angry. how thick do you judge the planks of our ship to be? some two good inches and upwards, returned the pilot; don't fear. ods-kilderkins, said panurge, it seems then we are within two fingers' breadth of damnation. is this one of the nine comforts of matrimony? ah, dear soul, you do well to measure the danger by the yard of fear. for my part, i have none on't; my name is william dreadnought. as for heart, i have more than enough on't. i mean none of your sheep's heart; but of wolf's heart--the courage of a bravo. by the pavilion of mars, i fear nothing but danger. chapter 4.xxiv. how panurge was said to have been afraid without reason during the storm. good morrow, gentlemen, said panurge; good morrow to you all; you are in very good health, thanks to heaven and yourselves; you are all heartily welcome, and in good time. let us go on shore.--here, coxswain, get the ladder over the gunnel; man the sides; man the pinnace, and get her by the ship's side. shall i lend you a hand here? i am stark mad for want of business, and would work like any two yokes of oxen. truly this is a fine place, and these look like a very good people. children, do you want me still in anything? do not spare the sweat of my body, for god's sake. adam--that is, man--was made to labour and work, as the birds were made to fly. our lord's will is that we get our bread with the sweat of our brows, not idling and doing nothing, like this tatterdemalion of a monk here, this friar jack, who is fain to drink to hearten himself up, and dies for fear. --rare weather.--i now find the answer of anacharsis, the noble philosopher, very proper. being asked what ship he reckoned the safest, he replied: that which is in the harbour. he made a yet better repartee, said pantagruel, when somebody inquiring which is greater, the number of the living or that of the dead, he asked them amongst which of the two they reckoned those that are at sea, ingeniously implying that they are continually in danger of death, dying alive, and living die. portius cato also said that there were but three things of which he would repent: if ever he had trusted his wife with his secret, if he had idled away a day, and if he had ever gone by sea to a place which he could visit by land. by this dignified frock of mine, said friar john to panurge, friend, thou hast been afraid during the storm without cause or reason; for thou wert not born to be drowned, but rather to be hanged and exalted in the air, or to be roasted in the midst of a jolly bonfire. my lord, would you have a good cloak for the rain; leave me off your wolf and badger-skin mantle; let panurge but be flayed, and cover yourself with his hide. but do not come near the fire, nor near your blacksmith's forges, a god's name; for in a moment you will see it in ashes. yet be as long as you please in the rain, snow, hail, nay, by the devil's maker, throw yourself or dive down to the very bottom of the water, i'll engage you'll not be wet at all. have some winter boots made of it, they'll never take in a drop of water; make bladders of it to lay under boys to teach them to swim, instead of corks, and they will learn without the least danger. his skin, then, said pantagruel, should be like the herb called true maiden's hair, which never takes wet nor moistness, but still keeps dry, though you lay it at the bottom of the water as long as you please; and for that reason is called adiantos. friend panurge, said friar john, i pray thee never be afraid of water; thy life for mine thou art threatened with a contrary element. ay, ay, replied panurge, but the devil's cooks dote sometimes, and are apt to make horrid blunders as well as others; often putting to boil in water what was designed to be roasted on the fire; like the head-cooks of our kitchen, who often lard partridges, queests, and stock-doves with intent to roast them, one would think; but it happens sometimes that they e'en turn the partridges into the pot to be boiled with cabbages, the queests with leek pottage, and the stock-doves with turnips. but hark you me, good friends, i protest before this noble company, that as for the chapel which i vowed to mons. st. nicholas between quande and montsoreau, i honestly mean that it shall be a chapel of rose-water, which shall be where neither cow nor calf shall be fed; for between you and i, i intend to throw it to the bottom of the water. here is a rare rogue for you, said eusthenes; here is a pure rogue, a rogue in grain, a rogue enough, a rogue and a half. he is resolved to make good the lombardic proverb, passato el pericolo, gabbato el santo. the devil was sick, the devil a monk would be; the devil was well, the devil a monk was he. chapter 4.xxv. how, after the storm, pantagruel went on shore in the islands of the macreons. immediately after we went ashore at the port of an island which they called the island of the macreons. the good people of the place received us very honourably. an old macrobius (so they called their eldest elderman) desired pantagruel to come to the town-house to refresh himself and eat something, but he would not budge a foot from the mole till all his men were landed. after he had seen them, he gave order that they should all change clothes, and that some of all the stores in the fleet should be brought on shore, that every ship's crew might live well; which was accordingly done, and god wot how well they all toped and caroused. the people of the place brought them provisions in abundance. the pantagruelists returned them more; as the truth is, theirs were somewhat damaged by the late storm. when they had well stuffed the insides of their doublets, pantagruel desired everyone to lend their help to repair the damage; which they readily did. it was easy enough to refit there; for all the inhabitants of the island were carpenters and all such handicrafts as are seen in the arsenal at venice. none but the largest island was inhabited, having three ports and ten parishes; the rest being overrun with wood and desert, much like the forest of arden. we entreated the old macrobius to show us what was worth seeing in the island; which he did; and in the desert and dark forest we discovered several old ruined temples, obelisks, pyramids, monuments, and ancient tombs, with divers inscriptions and epitaphs; some of them in hieroglyphic characters; others in the ionic dialect; some in the arabic, agarenian, slavonian, and other tongues; of which epistemon took an exact account. in the interim, panurge said to friar john, is this the island of the macreons? macreon signifies in greek an old man, or one much stricken in years. what is that to me? said friar john; how can i help it? i was not in the country when they christened it. now i think on't, quoth panurge, i believe the name of mackerel (motteux adds, between brackets,--'that's a bawd in french.') was derived from it; for procuring is the province of the old, as buttock-riggling is that of the young. therefore i do not know but this may be the bawdy or mackerel island, the original and prototype of the island of that name at paris. let's go and dredge for cock-oysters. old macrobius asked, in the ionic tongue, how, and by what industry and labour, pantagruel got to their port that day, there having been such blustering weather and such a dreadful storm at sea. pantagruel told him that the almighty preserver of mankind had regarded the simplicity and sincere affection of his servants, who did not travel for gain or sordid profit, the sole design of their voyage being a studious desire to know, see, and visit the oracle of bacbuc, and take the word of the bottle upon some difficulties offered by one of the company; nevertheless this had not been without great affliction and evident danger of shipwreck. after that, he asked him what he judged to be the cause of that terrible tempest, and if the adjacent seas were thus frequently subject to storms; as in the ocean are the ratz of sammaieu, maumusson, and in the mediterranean sea the gulf of sataly, montargentan, piombino, capo melio in laconia, the straits of gibraltar, faro di messina, and others. chapter 4.xxvi. how the good macrobius gave us an account of the mansion and decease of the heroes. the good macrobius then answered, friendly strangers, this island is one of the sporades; not of your sporades that lie in the carpathian sea, but one of the sporades of the ocean; in former times rich, frequented, wealthy, populous, full of traffic, and in the dominions of the rulers of britain, but now, by course of time, and in these latter ages of the world, poor and desolate, as you see. in this dark forest, above seventy-eight thousand persian leagues in compass, is the dwelling-place of the demons and heroes that are grown old, and we believe that some one of them died yesterday; since the comet which we saw for three days before together, shines no more; and now it is likely that at his death there arose this horrible storm; for while they are alive all happiness attends both this and the adjacent islands, and a settled calm and serenity. at the death of every one of them, we commonly hear in the forest loud and mournful groans, and the whole land is infested with pestilence, earthquakes, inundations, and other calamities; the air with fogs and obscurity, and the sea with storms and hurricanes. what you tell us seems to me likely enough, said pantagruel. for as a torch or candle, as long as it hath life enough and is lighted, shines round about, disperses its light, delights those that are near it, yields them its service and clearness, and never causes any pain or displeasure; but as soon as 'tis extinguished, its smoke and evaporation infects the air, offends the bystanders, and is noisome to all; so, as long as those noble and renowned souls inhabit their bodies, peace, profit, pleasure, and honour never leave the places where they abide; but as soon as they leave them, both the continent and adjacent islands are annoyed with great commotions; in the air fogs, darkness, thunder, hail; tremblings, pulsations, agitations of the earth; storms and hurricanes at sea; together with sad complaints amongst the people, broaching of religions, changes in governments, and ruins of commonwealths. we had a sad instance of this lately, said epistemon, at the death of that valiant and learned knight, william du bellay; during whose life france enjoyed so much happiness, that all the rest of the world looked upon it with envy, sought friendship with it, and stood in awe of its power; but soon after his decease it hath for a considerable time been the scorn of the rest of the world. thus, said pantagruel, anchises being dead at drepani in sicily, aeneas was dreadfully tossed and endangered by a storm; and perhaps for the same reason herod, that tyrant and cruel king of judaea, finding himself near the pangs of a horrid kind of death--for he died of a phthiriasis, devoured by vermin and lice; as before him died l. sylla, pherecydes the syrian, the preceptor of pythagoras, the greek poet alcmaeon, and others--and foreseeing that the jews would make bonfires at his death, caused all the nobles and magistrates to be summoned to his seraglio out of all the cities, towns, and castles of judaea, fraudulently pretending that he had some things of moment to impart to them. they made their personal appearance; whereupon he caused them all to be shut up in the hippodrome of the seraglio; then said to his sister salome and alexander her husband: i am certain that the jews will rejoice at my death; but if you will observe and perform what i tell you, my funeral shall be honourable, and there will be a general mourning. as soon as you see me dead, let my guards, to whom i have already given strict commission to that purpose, kill all the noblemen and magistrates that are secured in the hippodrome. by these means all jewry shall, in spite of themselves, be obliged to mourn and lament, and foreigners will imagine it to be for my death, as if some heroic soul had left her body. a desperate tyrant wished as much when he said, when i die, let earth and fire be mixed together; which was as good as to say, let the whole world perish. which saying the tyrant nero altered, saying, while i live, as suetonius affirms it. this detestable saying, of which cicero, lib. de finib., and seneca, lib. 2, de clementia, make mention, is ascribed to the emperor tiberius by dion nicaeus and suidas. chapter 4.xxvii. pantagruel's discourse of the decease of heroic souls; and of the dreadful prodigies that happened before the death of the late lord de langey. i would not, continued pantagruel, have missed the storm that hath thus disordered us, were i also to have missed the relation of these things told us by this good macrobius. neither am i unwilling to believe what he said of a comet that appears in the sky some days before such a decease. for some of those souls are so noble, so precious, and so heroic that heaven gives us notice of their departing some days before it happens. and as a prudent physician, seeing by some symptoms that his patient draws towards his end, some days before gives notice of it to his wife, children, kindred, and friends, that, in that little time he hath yet to live, they may admonish him to settle all things in his family, to tutor and instruct his children as much as he can, recommend his relict to his friends in her widowhood, and declare what he knows to be necessary about a provision for the orphans; that he may not be surprised by death without making his will, and may take care of his soul and family; in the same manner the heavens, as it were joyful for the approaching reception of those blessed souls, seem to make bonfires by those comets and blazing meteors, which they at the same time kindly design should prognosticate to us here that in a few days one of those venerable souls is to leave her body and this terrestrial globe. not altogether unlike this was what was formerly done at athens by the judges of the areopagus. for when they gave their verdict to cast or clear the culprits that were tried before them, they used certain notes according to the substance of the sentences; by theta signifying condemnation to death; by t, absolution; by a, ampliation or a demur, when the case was not sufficiently examined. thus having publicly set up those letters, they eased the relations and friends of the prisoners, and such others as desired to know their doom, of their doubts. likewise by these comets, as in ethereal characters, the heavens silently say to us, make haste, mortals, if you would know or learn of the blessed souls anything concerning the public good or your private interest; for their catastrophe is near, which being past, you will vainly wish for them afterwards. the good-natured heavens still do more; and that mankind may be declared unworthy of the enjoyment of those renowned souls, they fright and astonish us with prodigies, monsters, and other foreboding signs that thwart the order of nature. of this we had an instance several days before the decease of the heroic soul of the learned and valiant chevalier de langey, of whom you have already spoken. i remember it, said epistemon; and my heart still trembles within me when i think on the many dreadful prodigies that we saw five or six days before he died. for the lords d'assier, chemant, one-eyed mailly, st. ayl, villeneufue-la-guyart, master gabriel, physician of savillan, rabelais, cohuau, massuau, majorici, bullou, cercu, alias bourgmaistre, francis proust, ferron, charles girard, francis bourre, and many other friends and servants to the deceased, all dismayed, gazed on each other without uttering one word; yet not without foreseeing that france would in a short time be deprived of a knight so accomplished and necessary for its glory and protection, and that heaven claimed him again as its due. by the tufted tip of my cowl, cried friar john, i am e'en resolved to become a scholar before i die. i have a pretty good headpiece of my own, you must own. now pray give me leave to ask you a civil question. can these same heroes or demigods you talk of die? may i never be damned if i was not so much a lobcock as to believe they had been immortal, like so many fine angels. heaven forgive me! but this most reverend father, macroby, tells us they die at last. not all, returned pantagruel. the stoics held them all to be mortal, except one, who alone is immortal, impassible, invisible. pindar plainly saith that there is no more thread, that is to say, no more life, spun from the distaff and flax of the hard-hearted fates for the goddesses hamadryades than there is for those trees that are preserved by them, which are good, sturdy, downright oaks; whence they derived their original, according to the opinion of callimachus and pausanias in phoci. with whom concurs martianus capella. as for the demigods, fauns, satyrs, sylvans, hobgoblins, aegipanes, nymphs, heroes, and demons, several men have, from the total sum, which is the result of the divers ages calculated by hesiod, reckoned their life to be 9720 years; that sum consisting of four special numbers orderly arising from one, the same added together and multiplied by four every way amounts to forty; these forties, being reduced into triangles by five times, make up the total of the aforesaid number. see plutarch, in his book about the cessation of oracles. this, said friar john, is not matter of breviary; i may believe as little or as much of it as you and i please. i believe, said pantagruel, that all intellectual souls are exempted from atropos's scissors. they are all immortal, whether they be of angels, or demons, or human; yet i will tell you a story concerning this that is very strange, but is written and affirmed by several learned historians. chapter 4.xxviii. how pantagruel related a very sad story of the death of the heroes. epitherses, the father of aemilian the rhetorician, sailing from greece to italy in a ship freighted with divers goods and passengers, at night the wind failed 'em near the echinades, some islands that lie between the morea and tunis, and the vessel was driven near paxos. when they were got thither, some of the passengers being asleep, others awake, the rest eating and drinking, a voice was heard that called aloud, thamous! which cry surprised them all. this same thamous was their pilot, an egyptian by birth, but known by name only to some few travellers. the voice was heard a second time calling thamous, in a frightful tone; and none making answer, but trembling and remaining silent, the voice was heard a third time, more dreadful than before. this caused thamous to answer: here am i; what dost thou call me for? what wilt thou have me do? then the voice, louder than before, bid him publish when he should come to palodes, that the great god pan was dead. epitherses related that all the mariners and passengers, having heard this, were extremely amazed and frighted; and that, consulting among themselves whether they had best conceal or divulge what the voice had enjoined, thamous said his advice was that if they happened to have a fair wind they should proceed without mentioning a word on't, but if they chanced to be becalmed he would publish what he had heard. now when they were near palodes they had no wind, neither were they in any current. thamous then getting up on the top of the ship's forecastle, and casting his eyes on the shore, said that he had been commanded to proclaim that the great god pan was dead. the words were hardly out of his mouth, when deep groans, great lamentations, and doleful shrieks, not of one person, but of many together, were heard from the land. the news of this--many being present then--was soon spread at rome; insomuch that tiberius, who was then emperor, sent for this thamous, and having heard him gave credit to his words. and inquiring of the learned in his court and at rome who was that pan, he found by their relation that he was the son of mercury and penelope, as herodotus and cicero in his third book of the nature of the gods had written before. for my part, i understand it of that great saviour of the faithful who was shamefully put to death at jerusalem by the envy and wickedness of the doctors, priests, and monks of the mosaic law. and methinks my interpretation is not improper; for he may lawfully be said in the greek tongue to be pan, since he is our all. for all that we are, all that we live, all that we have, all that we hope, is him, by him, from him, and in him. he is the good pan, the great shepherd, who, as the loving shepherd corydon affirms, hath not only a tender love and affection for his sheep, but also for their shepherds. at his death, complaints, sighs, fears, and lamentations were spread through the whole fabric of the universe, whether heavens, land, sea, or hell. the time also concurs with this interpretation of mine; for this most good, most mighty pan, our only saviour, died near jerusalem during the reign of tiberius caesar. pantagruel, having ended this discourse, remained silent and full of contemplation. a little while after we saw the tears flow out of his eyes as big as ostrich's eggs. god take me presently if i tell you one single syllable of a lie in the matter. chapter 4.xxix. how pantagruel sailed by the sneaking island, where shrovetide reigned. the jovial fleet being refitted and repaired, new stores taken in, the macreons over and above satisfied and pleased with the money spent there by pantagruel, our men in better humour than they used to be, if possible, we merrily put to sea the next day, near sunset, with a delicious fresh gale. xenomanes showed us afar off the sneaking island, where reigned shrovetide, of whom pantagruel had heard much talk formerly; for that reason he would gladly have seen him in person, had not xenomanes advised him to the contrary; first, because this would have been much out of our way, and then for the lean cheer which he told us was to be found at that prince's court, and indeed all over the island. you can see nothing there for your money, said he, but a huge greedy-guts, a tall woundy swallower of hot wardens and mussels; a long-shanked mole-catcher; an overgrown bottler of hay; a mossy-chinned demi-giant, with a double shaven crown, of lantern breed; a very great loitering noddy-peaked youngster, banner-bearer to the fish-eating tribe, dictator of mustard-land, flogger of little children, calciner of ashes, father and foster-father to physicians, swarming with pardons, indulgences, and stations; a very honest man; a good catholic, and as brimful of devotion as ever he can hold. he weeps the three-fourth parts of the day, and never assists at any weddings; but, give the devil his due, he is the most industrious larding-stick and skewer-maker in forty kingdoms. about six years ago, as i passed by sneaking-land, i brought home a large skewer from thence, and made a present of it to the butchers of quande, who set a great value upon them, and that for a cause. some time or other, if ever we live to come back to our own country, i will show you two of them fastened on the great church porch. his usual food is pickled coats of mail, salt helmets and head-pieces, and salt sallets; which sometimes makes him piss pins and needles. as for his clothing, 'tis comical enough o' conscience, both for make and colour; for he wears grey and cold, nothing before, and nought behind, with the sleeves of the same. you will do me a kindness, said pantagruel, if, as you have described his clothes, food, actions, and pastimes, you will also give me an account of his shape and disposition in all his parts. prithee do, dear cod, said friar john, for i have found him in my breviary, and then follow the movable holy days. with all my heart, answered xenomanes; we may chance to hear more of him as we touch at the wild island, the dominions of the squab chitterlings, his enemies, against whom he is eternally at odds; and were it not for the help of the noble carnival, their protector and good neighbour, this meagre-looked lozelly shrovetide would long before this have made sad work among them, and rooted them out of their habitation. are these same chitterlings, said friar john, male or female, angels or mortals, women or maids? they are, replied xenomanes, females in sex, mortal in kind, some of them maids, others not. the devil have me, said friar john, if i ben't for them. what a shameful disorder in nature, is it not, to make war against women? let's go back and hack the villain to pieces. what! meddle with shrovetide? cried panurge, in the name of beelzebub, i am not yet so weary of my life. no, i'm not yet so mad as that comes to. quid juris? suppose we should find ourselves pent up between the chitterlings and shrovetide? between the anvil and the hammers? shankers and buboes! stand off! godzooks, let us make the best of our way. i bid you good night, sweet mr. shrovetide; i recommend to you the chitterlings, and pray don't forget the puddings. chapter 4.xxx. how shrovetide is anatomized and described by xenomanes. as for the inward parts of shrovetide, said xenomanes; his brain is (at least, it was in my time) in bigness, colours, substance, and strength, much like the left cod of a he hand-worm. the ventricles of his said brain, the stomach, like a belt. like an auger. the pylorus, like a pitchfork. the worm-like excrescence, like the windpipe, like an oyster a christmas-box. knife. the membranes, like a monk's the throat, like a pincushion cowl. stuffed with oakum. the funnel, like a mason's chisel. the lungs, like a prebend's the fornix, like a casket. fur-gown. the glandula pinealis, like a bag the heart, like a cope. pipe. the mediastine, like an earthen the rete mirabile, like a gutter. cup. the dug-like processus, like a the pleura, like a crow's bill. patch. the arteries, like a watch-coat. the tympanums, like a whirli the midriff, like a montero-cap. gig. the liver, like a double-tongued the rocky bones, like a goose mattock. wing. the veins, like a sash-window. the nape of the neck, like a paper the spleen, like a catcall. lantern. the guts, like a trammel. the nerves, like a pipkin. the gall, like a cooper's adze. the uvula, like a sackbut. the entrails, like a gauntlet. the palate, like a mitten. the mesentery, like an abbot's the spittle, like a shuttle. mitre. the almonds, like a telescope. the hungry gut, like a button. the bridge of his nose, like a the blind gut, like a breastplate. wheelbarrow. the colon, like a bridle. the head of the larynx, like a the arse-gut, like a monk's vintage-basket. leathern bottle. the kidneys, like a trowel. the ligaments, like a tinker's the loins, like a padlock. budget. the ureters, like a pothook. the bones, like three-cornered the emulgent veins, like two cheesecakes. gilliflowers. the marrow, like a wallet. the spermatic vessels, like a the cartilages, like a field cully-mully-puff. tortoise, alias a mole. the parastata, like an inkpot. the glandules in the mouth, like the bladder, like a stone-bow. a pruning-knife. the neck, like a mill-clapper. the animal spirits, like swingeing the mirach, or lower parts of the fisticuffs. belly, like a high-crowned hat. the blood-fermenting, like a the siphach, or its inner rind, multiplication of flirts on the like a wooden cuff. nose. the muscles, like a pair of bellows. the urine, like a figpecker. the tendons, like a hawking the sperm, like a hundred glove. ten-penny nails. and his nurse told me, that being married to mid-lent, he only begot a good number of local adverbs and certain double fasts. his memory he had like a scarf. his undertakings, like the ballast his common sense, like a buzzing of a galleon. of bees. his understanding, like a torn his imagination, like the chime breviary. of a set of bells. his notions, like snails crawling his thoughts, like a flight of star out of strawberries. lings. his will, like three filberts in a his conscience, like the unnest porringer. ling of a parcel of young his desire, like six trusses of hay. herons. his judgment, like a shoeinghis deliberations, like a set of horn. organs. his discretion, like the truckle of his repentance, like the carriage a pulley. of a double cannon. his reason, like a cricket. chapter 4.xxxi. shrovetide's outward parts anatomized. shrovetide, continued xenomanes, is somewhat better proportioned in his outward parts, excepting the seven ribs which he had over and above the common shape of men. his toes were like a virginal on the peritoneum, or caul wherein an organ. his bowels were wrapped, like his nails, like a gimlet. a billiard-table. his feet, like a guitar. his back, like an overgrown rackhis heels, like a club. bent crossbow. the soles of his feet, like a cru the vertebrae, or joints of his cible. backbone, like a bagpipe. his legs, like a hawk's lure. his ribs, like a spinning-wheel. his knees, like a joint-stool. his brisket, like a canopy. his thighs, like a steel cap. his shoulder-blades, like a mortar. his hips, like a wimble. his breast, like a game at ninehis belly as big as a tun, buttoned pins. after the old fashion, with a his paps, like a hornpipe. girdle riding over the middle his armpits, like a chequer. of his bosom. his shoulders, like a hand-barrow. his navel, like a cymbal. his arms, like a riding-hood. his groin, like a minced pie. his fingers, like a brotherhood's his member, like a slipper. andirons. his purse, like an oil cruet. the fibulae, or lesser bones of his his genitals, like a joiner's planer. legs, like a pair of stilts. their erecting muscles, like a his shin-bones, like sickles. racket. his elbows, like a mouse-trap. the perineum, like a flageolet. his hands, like a curry-comb. his arse-hole, like a crystal look his neck, like a talboy. ing-glass. his throat, like a felt to distil hiphis bum, like a harrow. pocras. the knob in his throat, like a his loins, like a butter-pot. barrel, where hanged two his jaws, like a caudle cup. brazen wens, very fine and his teeth, like a hunter's staff. harmonious, in the shape of an of such colt's teeth as his, hourglass. you will find one at colonges his beard, like a lantern. les royaux in poitou, and his chin, like a mushroom. two at la brosse in xaintonge, his ears, like a pair of gloves. on the cellar door. his nose, like a buskin. his tongue, like a jew's-harp. his nostrils, like a forehead cloth. his mouth, like a horse-cloth. his eyebrows, like a dripping-pan. his face embroidered like a mule's on his left brow was a mark of pack-saddle. the shape and bigness of an his head contrived like a still. urinal. his skull, like a pouch. his eyelids, like a fiddle. the suturae, or seams of his skull, his eyes, like a comb-box. like the annulus piscatoris, or his optic nerves, like a tinder the fisher's signet. box. his skin, like a gabardine. his forehead, like a false cup. his epidermis, or outward skin, his temples, like the cock of a like a bolting-cloth. cistern. his hair, like a scrubbing-brush. his cheeks, like a pair of wooden his fur, such as above said. shoes. chapter 4.xxxii. a continuation of shrovetide's countenance. 'tis a wonderful thing, continued xenomanes, to hear and see the state of shrovetide. if he chanced to spit, it was whole when he trembled, it was large basketsful of goldfinches. venison pasties. if he blowed his nose, it was when he did sweat, it was old pickled grigs. ling with butter sauce. when he wept, it was ducks with when he belched, it was bushels onion sauce. of oysters. when he sneezed, it was whole when he muttered, it was lawyers' tubfuls of mustard. revels. when he coughed, it was boxes when he hopped about, it was of marmalade. letters of licence and protecwhen he sobbed, it was water tions. cresses. when he stepped back, it was when he yawned, it was potfuls sea cockle-shells. of pickled peas. when he slabbered, it was comwhen he sighed, it was dried mon ovens. neats' tongues. when he was hoarse, it was an when he whistled, it was a whole entry of morrice-dancers. scuttleful of green apes. when he broke wind, it was dun when he snored, it was a whole cows' leather spatterdashes. panful of fried beans. when he funked, it was washedwhen he frowned, it was soused leather boots. hogs' feet. when he scratched himself, it when he spoke, it was coarse was new proclamations. brown russet cloth; so little when he sung, it was peas in it was like crimson silk, with cods. which parisatis desired that when he evacuated, it was mush the words of such as spoke to rooms and morilles. her son cyrus, king of persia, when he puffed, it was cabbages should be interwoven. with oil, alias caules amb'olif. when he blowed, it was indulg when he talked, it was the last ence money-boxes. year's snow. when he winked, it was buttered when he dreamt, it was of a buns. cock and a bull. when he grumbled, it was march when he gave nothing, so much cats. for the bearer. when he nodded, it was iron if he thought to himself, it was bound waggons. whimsies and maggots. when he made mouths, it was if he dozed, it was leases of lands. broken staves. what is yet more strange, he used to work doing nothing, and did nothing though he worked; caroused sleeping, and slept carousing, with his eyes open, like the hares in our country, for fear of being taken napping by the chitterlings, his inveterate enemies; biting he laughed, and laughing bit; eat nothing fasting, and fasted eating nothing; mumbled upon suspicion, drank by imagination, swam on the tops of high steeples, dried his clothes in ponds and rivers, fished in the air, and there used to catch decumane lobsters; hunted at the bottom of the herring-pond, and caught there ibexes, stamboucs, chamois, and other wild goats; used to put out the eyes of all the crows which he took sneakingly; feared nothing but his own shadow and the cries of fat kids; used to gad abroad some days, like a truant schoolboy; played with the ropes of bells on festival days of saints; made a mallet of his fist, and writ on hairy parchment prognostications and almanacks with his huge pin-case. is that the gentleman? said friar john. he is my man; this is the very fellow i looked for. i will send him a challenge immediately. this is, said pantagruel, a strange and monstrous sort of man, if i may call him a man. you put me in mind of the form and looks of amodunt and dissonance. how were they made? said friar john. may i be peeled like a raw onion if ever i heard a word of them. i'll tell you what i read of them in some ancient apologues, replied pantagruel. physis--that is to say, nature--at her first burthen begat beauty and harmony without carnal copulation, being of herself very fruitful and prolific. antiphysis, who ever was the counter part of nature, immediately, out of a malicious spite against her for her beautiful and honourable productions, in opposition begot amodunt and dissonance by copulation with tellumon. their heads were round like a football, and not gently flatted on both sides, like the common shape of men. their ears stood pricked up like those of asses; their eyes, as hard as those of crabs, and without brows, stared out of their heads, fixed on bones like those of our heels; their feet were round like tennis-balls; their arms and hands turned backwards towards their shoulders; and they walked on their heads, continually turning round like a ball, topsy-turvy, heels over head. yet--as you know that apes esteem their young the handsomest in the world --antiphysis extolled her offspring, and strove to prove that their shape was handsomer and neater than that of the children of physis, saying that thus to have spherical heads and feet, and walk in a circular manner, wheeling round, had something in it of the perfection of the divine power, which makes all beings eternally turn in that fashion; and that to have our feet uppermost, and the head below them, was to imitate the creator of the universe; the hair being like the roots, and the legs like the branches of man; for trees are better planted by their roots than they could be by their branches. by this demonstration she implied that her children were much more to be praised for being like a standing tree, than those of physis, that made a figure of a tree upside down. as for the arms and hands, she pretended to prove that they were more justly turned towards the shoulders, because that part of the body ought not to be without defence, while the forepart is duly fenced with teeth, which a man cannot only use to chew, but also to defend himself against those things that offend him. thus, by the testimony and astipulation of the brute beasts, she drew all the witless herd and mob of fools into her opinion, and was admired by all brainless and nonsensical people. since that, she begot the hypocritical tribes of eavesdropping dissemblers, superstitious pope-mongers, and priest-ridden bigots, the frantic pistolets, (the demoniacal calvins, impostors of geneva,) the scrapers of benefices, apparitors with the devil in them, and other grinders and squeezers of livings, herb-stinking hermits, gulligutted dunces of the cowl, church vermin, false zealots, devourers of the substance of men, and many more other deformed and ill-favoured monsters, made in spite of nature. chapter 4.xxxiii. how pantagruel discovered a monstrous physeter, or whirlpool, near the wild island. about sunset, coming near the wild island, pantagruel spied afar off a huge monstrous physeter (a sort of whale, which some call a whirlpool), that came right upon us, neighing, snorting, raised above the waves higher than our main-tops, and spouting water all the way into the air before itself, like a large river falling from a mountain. pantagruel showed it to the pilot and to xenomanes. by the pilot's advice the trumpets of the thalamege were sounded to warn all the fleet to stand close and look to themselves. this alarm being given, all the ships, galleons, frigates, brigantines, according to their naval discipline, placed themselves in the order and figure of an y (upsilon), the letter of pythagoras, as cranes do in their flight, and like an acute angle, in whose cone and basis the thalamege placed herself ready to fight smartly. friar john with the grenadiers got on the forecastle. poor panurge began to cry and howl worse than ever. babille-babou, said he, shrugging up his shoulders, quivering all over with fear, there will be the devil upon dun. this is a worse business than that t'other day. let us fly, let us fly; old nick take me if it is not leviathan, described by the noble prophet moses in the life of patient job. it will swallow us all, ships and men, shag, rag, and bobtail, like a dose of pills. alas! it will make no more of us, and we shall hold no more room in its hellish jaws, than a sugarplum in an ass's throat. look, look, 'tis upon us; let us wheel off, whip it away, and get ashore. i believe 'tis the very individual sea-monster that was formerly designed to devour andromeda; we are all undone. oh! for some valiant perseus here now to kill the dog. i'll do its business presently, said pantagruel; fear nothing. ods-belly, said panurge, remove the cause of my fear then. when the devil would you have a man be afraid but when there is so much cause? if your destiny be such as friar john was saying a while ago, replied pantagruel, you ought to be afraid of pyroeis, eous, aethon, and phlegon, the sun's coach-horses, that breathe fire at the nostrils; and not of physeters, that spout nothing but water at the snout and mouth. their water will not endanger your life; and that element will rather save and preserve than hurt or endanger you. ay, ay, trust to that, and hang me, quoth panurge; yours is a very pretty fancy. ods-fish! did i not give you a sufficient account of the elements' transmutation, and the blunders that are made of roast for boiled, and boiled for roast? alas! here 'tis; i'll go hide myself below. we are dead men, every mother's son of us. i see upon our main-top that merciless hag atropos, with her scissors new ground, ready to cut our threads all at one snip. oh! how dreadful and abominable thou art; thou hast drowned a good many beside us, who never made their brags of it. did it but spout good, brisk, dainty, delicious white wine, instead of this damned bitter salt water, one might better bear with it, and there would be some cause to be patient; like that english lord, who being doomed to die, and had leave to choose what kind of death he would, chose to be drowned in a butt of malmsey. here it is. oh, oh! devil! sathanas! leviathan! i cannot abide to look upon thee, thou art so abominably ugly. go to the bar, go take the pettifoggers. chapter 4.xxxiv. how the monstrous physeter was slain by pantagruel. the physeter, coming between the ships and the galleons, threw water by whole tuns upon them, as if it had been the cataracts of the nile in ethiopia. on the other side, arrows, darts, gleaves, javelins, spears, harping-irons, and partizans, flew upon it like hail. friar john did not spare himself in it. panurge was half dead for fear. the artillery roared and thundered like mad, and seemed to gall it in good earnest, but did but little good; for the great iron and brass cannon-shot entering its skin seemed to melt like tiles in the sun. pantagruel then, considering the weight and exigency of the matter, stretched out his arms and showed what he could do. you tell us, and it is recorded, that commudus, the roman emperor, could shoot with a bow so dexterously that at a good distance he would let fly an arrow through a child's fingers and never touch them. you also tell us of an indian archer, who lived when alexander the great conquered india, and was so skilful in drawing the bow, that at a considerable distance he would shoot his arrows through a ring, though they were three cubits long, and their iron so large and weighty that with them he used to pierce steel cutlasses, thick shields, steel breastplates, and generally what he did hit, how firm, resisting, hard, and strong soever it were. you also tell us wonders of the industry of the ancient franks, who were preferred to all others in point of archery; and when they hunted either black or dun beasts, used to rub the head of their arrows with hellebore, because the flesh of the venison struck with such an arrow was more tender, dainty, wholesome, and delicious--paring off, nevertheless, the part that was touched round about. you also talk of the parthians, who used to shoot backwards more dexterously than other nations forwards; and also celebrate the skill of the scythians in that art, who sent once to darius, king of persia, an ambassador that made him a present of a bird, a frog, a mouse, and five arrows, without speaking one word; and being asked what those presents meant, and if he had commission to say anything, answered that he had not; which puzzled and gravelled darius very much, till gobrias, one of the seven captains that had killed the magi, explained it, saying to darius: by these gifts and offerings the scythians silently tell you that except the persians like birds fly up to heaven, or like mice hide themselves near the centre of the earth, or like frogs dive to the very bottom of ponds and lakes, they shall be destroyed by the power and arrows of the scythians. the noble pantagruel was, without comparison, more admirable yet in the art of shooting and darting; for with his dreadful piles and darts, nearly resembling the huge beams that support the bridges of nantes, saumur, bergerac, and at paris the millers' and the changers' bridges, in length, size, weight, and iron-work, he at a mile's distance would open an oyster and never touch the edges; he would snuff a candle without putting it out; would shoot a magpie in the eye; take off a boot's under-sole, or a riding-hood's lining, without soiling them a bit; turn over every leaf of friar john's breviary, one after another, and not tear one. with such darts, of which there was good store in the ship, at the first blow he ran the physeter in at the forehead so furiously that he pierced both its jaws and tongue; so that from that time to this it no more opened its guttural trapdoor, nor drew and spouted water. at the second blow he put out its right eye, and at the third its left; and we had all the pleasure to see the physeter bearing those three horns in its forehead, somewhat leaning forwards in an equilateral triangle. meanwhile it turned about to and fro, staggering and straying like one stunned, blinded, and taking his leave of the world. pantagruel, not satisfied with this, let fly another dart, which took the monster under the tail likewise sloping; then with three other on the chine, in a perpendicular line, divided its flank from the tail to the snout at an equal distance. then he larded it with fifty on one side, and after that, to make even work, he darted as many on its other side; so that the body of the physeter seemed like the hulk of a galleon with three masts, joined by a competent dimension of its beams, as if they had been the ribs and chain-wales of the keel; which was a pleasant sight. the physeter then giving up the ghost, turned itself upon its back, as all dead fishes do; and being thus overturned, with the beams and darts upside down in the sea, it seemed a scolopendra or centipede, as that serpent is described by the ancient sage nicander. chapter 4.xxxv. how pantagruel went on shore in the wild island, the ancient abode of the chitterlings. the boat's crew of the ship lantern towed the physeter ashore on the neighbouring shore, which happened to be the wild island, to make an anatomical dissection of its body and save the fat of its kidneys, which, they said, was very useful and necessary for the cure of a certain distemper, which they called want of money. as for pantagruel, he took no manner of notice of the monster; for he had seen many such, nay, bigger, in the gallic ocean. yet he condescended to land in the wild island, to dry and refresh some of his men (whom the physeter had wetted and bedaubed), at a small desert seaport towards the south, seated near a fine pleasant grove, out of which flowed a delicious brook of fresh, clear, and purling water. here they pitched their tents and set up their kitchens; nor did they spare fuel. everyone having shifted as they thought fit, friar john rang the bell, and the cloth was immediately laid, and supper brought in. pantagruel eating cheerfully with his men, much about the second course perceived certain little sly chitterlings clambering up a high tree near the pantry, as still as so many mice. which made him ask xenomanes what kind of creatures these were, taking them for squirrels, weasels, martins, or ermines. they are chitterlings, replied xenomanes. this is the wild island of which i spoke to you this morning; there hath been an irreconcilable war this long time between them and shrovetide, their malicious and ancient enemy. i believe that the noise of the guns which we fired at the physeter hath alarmed them, and made them fear their enemy was come with his forces to surprise them, or lay the island waste, as he hath often attempted to do; though he still came off but bluely, by reason of the care and vigilance of the chitterlings, who (as dido said to aeneas's companions that would have landed at carthage without her leave or knowledge) were forced to watch and stand upon their guard, considering the malice of their enemy and the neighbourhood of his territories. pray, dear friend, said pantagruel, if you find that by some honest means we may bring this war to an end, and reconcile them together, give me notice of it; i will use my endeavours in it with all my heart, and spare nothing on my side to moderate and accommodate the points in dispute between both parties. that's impossible at this time, answered xenomanes. about four years ago, passing incognito by this country, i endeavoured to make a peace, or at least a long truce among them; and i had certainly brought them to be good friends and neighbours if both one and the other parties would have yielded to one single article. shrovetide would not include in the treaty of peace the wild puddings nor the highland sausages, their ancient gossips and confederates. the chitterlings demanded that the fort of cacques might be under their government, as is the castle of sullouoir, and that a parcel of i don't know what stinking villains, murderers, robbers, that held it then, should be expelled. but they could not agree in this, and the terms that were offered seemed too hard to either party. so the treaty broke off, and nothing was done. nevertheless, they became less severe, and gentler enemies than they were before; but since the denunciation of the national council of chesil, whereby they were roughly handled, hampered, and cited; whereby also shrovetide was declared filthy, beshitten, and berayed, in case he made any league or agreement with them; they are grown wonderfully inveterate, incensed, and obstinate against one another, and there is no way to remedy it. you might sooner reconcile cats and rats, or hounds and hares together. chapter 4.xxxvi. how the wild chitterlings laid an ambuscado for pantagruel. while xenomanes was saying this, friar john spied twenty or thirty young slender-shaped chitterlings posting as fast as they could towards their town, citadel, castle, and fort of chimney, and said to pantagruel, i smell a rat; there will be here the devil upon two sticks, or i am much out. these worshipful chitterlings may chance to mistake you for shrovetide, though you are not a bit like him. let us once in our lives leave our junketing for a while, and put ourselves in a posture to give 'em a bellyful of fighting, if they would be at that sport. there can be no false latin in this, said xenomanes; chitterlings are still chitterlings, always double-hearted and treacherous. pantagruel then arose from table to visit and scour the thicket, and returned presently; having discovered, on the left, an ambuscade of squab chitterlings; and on the right, about half a league from thence, a large body of huge giant-like armed chitterlings ranged in battalia along a little hill, and marching furiously towards us at the sound of bagpipes, sheep's paunches, and bladders, the merry fifes and drums, trumpets, and clarions, hoping to catch us as moss caught his mare. by the conjecture of seventy-eight standards which we told, we guessed their number to be two and forty thousand, at a modest computation. their order, proud gait, and resolute looks made us judge that they were none of your raw, paltry links, but old warlike chitterlings and sausages. from the foremost ranks to the colours they were all armed cap-a-pie with small arms, as we reckoned them at a distance, yet very sharp and case-hardened. their right and left wings were lined with a great number of forest puddings, heavy pattipans, and horse sausages, all of them tall and proper islanders, banditti, and wild. pantagruel was very much daunted, and not without cause; though epistemon told him that it might be the use and custom of the chitterlingonians to welcome and receive thus in arms their foreign friends, as the noble kings of france are received and saluted at their first coming into the chief cities of the kingdom after their advancement to the crown. perhaps, said he, it may be the usual guard of the queen of the place, who, having notice given her by the junior chitterlings of the forlorn hope whom you saw on the tree, of the arrival of your fine and pompous fleet, hath judged that it was without doubt some rich and potent prince, and is come to visit you in person. pantagruel, little trusting to this, called a council, to have their advice at large in this doubtful case. he briefly showed them how this way of reception with arms had often, under colour of compliment and friendship, been fatal. thus, said he, the emperor antonius caracalla at one time destroyed the citizens of alexandria, and at another time cut off the attendants of artabanus, king of persia, under colour of marrying his daughter, which, by the way, did not pass unpunished, for a while after this cost him his life. thus jacob's children destroyed the sichemites, to revenge the rape of their sister dinah. by such another hypocritical trick gallienus, the roman emperor, put to death the military men in constantinople. thus, under colour of friendship, antonius enticed artavasdes, king of armenia; then, having caused him to be bound in heavy chains and shackled, at last put him to death. we find a thousand such instances in history; and king charles vi. is justly commended for his prudence to this day, in that, coming back victorious over the ghenters and other flemings to his good city of paris, and when he came to bourget, a league from thence, hearing that the citizens with their mallets--whence they got the name of maillotins--were marched out of town in battalia, twenty thousand strong, he would not go into the town till they had laid down their arms and retired to their respective homes; though they protested to him that they had taken arms with no other design than to receive him with the greater demonstration of honour and respect. chapter 4.xxxvii. how pantagruel sent for colonel maul-chitterling and colonel cut-pudding; with a discourse well worth your hearing about the names of places and persons. the resolution of the council was that, let things be how they would, it behoved the pantagruelists to stand upon their guard. therefore carpalin and gymnast were ordered by pantagruel to go for the soldiers that were on board the cup galley, under the command of colonel maul-chitterling, and those on board the vine-tub frigate, under the command of colonel cut-pudding the younger. i will ease gymnast of that trouble, said panurge, who wanted to be upon the run; you may have occasion for him here. by this worthy frock of mine, quoth friar john, thou hast a mind to slip thy neck out of the collar and absent thyself from the fight, thou white-livered son of a dunghill! upon my virginity thou wilt never come back. well, there can be no great loss in thee; for thou wouldst do nothing here but howl, bray, weep, and dishearten the good soldiers. i will certainly come back, said panurge, friar john, my ghostly father, and speedily too; do but take care that these plaguy chitterlings do not board our ships. all the while you will be a-fighting i will pray heartily for your victory, after the example of the valiant captain and guide of the people of israel, moses. having said this, he wheeled off. then said epistemon to pantagruel: the denomination of these two colonels of yours, maul-chitterling and cut-pudding, promiseth us assurance, success, and victory, if those chitterlings should chance to set upon us. you take it rightly, said pantagruel, and it pleaseth me to see you foresee and prognosticate our victory by the names of our colonels. this way of foretelling by names is not new; it was in old times celebrated and religiously observed by the pythagoreans. several great princes and emperors have formerly made good use of it. octavianus augustus, second emperor of the romans, meeting on a day a country fellow named eutychus --that is, fortunate--driving an ass named nicon--that is, in greek, victorian--moved by the signification of the ass's and ass-driver's names, remained assured of all prosperity and victory. the emperor vespasian being once all alone at prayers in the temple of serapis, at the sight and unexpected coming of a certain servant of his named basilides--that is, royal--whom he had left sick a great way behind, took hopes and assurance of obtaining the empire of the romans. regilian was chosen emperor by the soldiers for no other reason but the signification of his name. see the cratylus of the divine plato. (by my thirst, i will read it, said rhizotome; i hear you so often quote it.) see how the pythagoreans, by reason of the names and numbers, conclude that patroclus was to fall by the hand of hector; hector by achilles; achilles by paris; paris by philoctetes. i am quite lost in my understanding when i reflect upon the admirable invention of pythagoras, who by the number, either even or odd, of the syllables of every name, would tell you of what side a man was lame, hulch-backed, blind, gouty, troubled with the palsy, pleurisy, or any other distemper incident to humankind; allotting even numbers to the left (motteux reads--'even numbers to the right, and odd ones to the left.'), and odd ones to the right side of the body. indeed, said epistemon, i saw this way of syllabizing tried at xaintes at a general procession, in the presence of that good, virtuous, learned and just president, brian vallee, lord of douhait. when there went by a man or woman that was either lame, blind of one eye, or humpbacked, he had an account brought him of his or her name; and if the syllables of the name were of an odd number, immediately, without seeing the persons, he declared them to be deformed, blind, lame, or crooked of the right side; and of the left, if they were even in number; and such indeed we ever found them. by this syllabical invention, said pantagruel, the learned have affirmed that achilles kneeling was wounded by the arrow of paris in the right heel, for his name is of odd syllables (here we ought to observe that the ancients used to kneel the right foot); and that venus was also wounded before troy in the left hand, for her name in greek is aphrodite, of four syllables; vulcan lamed of his left foot for the same reason; philip, king of macedon, and hannibal, blind of the right eye; not to speak of sciaticas, broken bellies, and hemicranias, which may be distinguished by this pythagorean reason. but returning to names: do but consider how alexander the great, son of king philip, of whom we spoke just now, compassed his undertaking merely by the interpretation of a name. he had besieged the strong city of tyre, and for several weeks battered it with all his power; but all in vain. his engines and attempts were still baffled by the tyrians, which made him finally resolve to raise the siege, to his great grief; foreseeing the great stain which such a shameful retreat would be to his reputation. in this anxiety and agitation of mind he fell asleep and dreamed that a satyr was come into his tent, capering, skipping, and tripping it up and down, with his goatish hoofs, and that he strove to lay hold on him. but the satyr still slipped from him, till at last, having penned him up into a corner, he took him. with this he awoke, and telling his dream to the philosophers and sages of his court, they let him know that it was a promise of victory from the gods, and that he should soon be master of tyre; the word satyros divided in two being sa tyros, and signifying tyre is thine; and in truth, at the next onset, he took the town by storm, and by a complete victory reduced that stubborn people to subjection. on the other hand, see how, by the signification of one word, pompey fell into despair. being overcome by caesar at the battle of pharsalia, he had no other way left to escape but by flight; which attempting by sea, he arrived near the island of cyprus, and perceived on the shore near the city of paphos a beautiful and stately palace; now asking the pilot what was the name of it, he told him that it was called kakobasilea, that is, evil king; which struck such a dread and terror in him that he fell into despair, as being assured of losing shortly his life; insomuch that his complaints, sighs, and groans were heard by the mariners and other passengers. and indeed, a while after, a certain strange peasant, called achillas, cut off his head. to all these examples might be added what happened to l. paulus emilius when the senate elected him imperator, that is, chief of the army which they sent against perses, king of macedon. that evening returning home to prepare for his expedition, and kissing a little daughter of his called trasia, she seemed somewhat sad to him. what is the matter, said he, my chicken? why is my trasia thus sad and melancholy? daddy, replied the child, persa is dead. this was the name of a little bitch which she loved mightily. hearing this, paulus took assurance of a victory over perses. if time would permit us to discourse of the sacred hebrew writ, we might find a hundred noted passages evidently showing how religiously they observed proper names and their significations. he had hardly ended this discourse, when the two colonels arrived with their soldiers, all well armed and resolute. pantagruel made them a short speech, entreating them to behave themselves bravely in case they were attacked; for he could not yet believe that the chitterlings were so treacherous; but he bade them by no means to give the first offence, giving them carnival for the watchword. chapter 4.xxxviii. how chitterlings are not to be slighted by men. you shake your empty noddles now, jolly topers, and do not believe what i tell you here, any more than if it were some tale of a tub. well, well, i cannot help it. believe it if you will; if you won't, let it alone. for my part, i very well know what i say. it was in the wild island, in our voyage to the holy bottle. i tell you the time and place; what would you have more? i would have you call to mind the strength of the ancient giants that undertook to lay the high mountain pelion on the top of ossa, and set among those the shady olympus, to dash out the gods' brains, unnestle them, and scour their heavenly lodgings. theirs was no small strength, you may well think, and yet they were nothing but chitterlings from the waist downwards, or at least serpents, not to tell a lie for the matter. the serpent that tempted eve, too, was of the chitterling kind, and yet it is recorded of him that he was more subtle than any beast of the field. even so are chitterlings. nay, to this very hour they hold in some universities that this same tempter was the chitterling called ithyphallus, into which was transformed bawdy priapus, arch-seducer of females in paradise, that is, a garden, in greek. pray now tell me who can tell but that the swiss, now so bold and warlike, were formerly chitterlings? for my part, i would not take my oath to the contrary. the himantopodes, a nation very famous in ethiopia, according to pliny's description, are chitterlings, and nothing else. if all this will not satisfy your worships, or remove your incredulity, i would have you forthwith (i mean drinking first, that nothing be done rashly) visit lusignan, parthenay, vouant, mervant, and ponzauges in poitou. there you will find a cloud of witnesses, not of your affidavit-men of the right stamp, but credible time out of mind, that will take their corporal oath, on rigome's knuckle-bone, that melusina their founder or foundress, which you please, was woman from the head to the prick-purse, and thence downwards was a serpentine chitterling, or if you'll have it otherwise, a chitterlingdized serpent. she nevertheless had a genteel and noble gait, imitated to this very day by your hop-merchants of brittany, in their paspie and country dances. what do you think was the cause of erichthonius's being the first inventor of coaches, litters, and chariots? nothing but because vulcan had begot him with chitterlingdized legs, which to hide he chose to ride in a litter, rather than on horseback; for chitterlings were not yet in esteem at that time. the scythian nymph, ora, was likewise half woman and half chitterling, and yet seemed so beautiful to jupiter that nothing could serve him but he must give her a touch of his godship's kindness; and accordingly he had a brave boy by her, called colaxes; and therefore i would have you leave off shaking your empty noddles at this, as if it were a story, and firmly believe that nothing is truer than the gospel. chapter 4.xxxix. how friar john joined with the cooks to fight the chitterlings. friar john seeing these furious chitterlings thus boldly march up, said to pantagruel, here will be a rare battle of hobby-horses, a pretty kind of puppet-show fight, for aught i see. oh! what mighty honour and wonderful glory will attend our victory! i would have you only be a bare spectator of this fight, and for anything else leave me and my men to deal with them. what men? said pantagruel. matter of breviary, replied friar john. how came potiphar, who was head-cook of pharaoh's kitchens, he that bought joseph, and whom the said joseph might have made a cuckold if he had not been a joseph; how came he, i say, to be made general of all the horse in the kingdom of egypt? why was nabuzardan, king nebuchadnezzar's head-cook, chosen to the exclusion of all other captains to besiege and destroy jerusalem? i hear you, replied pantagruel. by st. christopher's whiskers, said friar john, i dare lay a wager that it was because they had formerly engaged chitterlings, or men as little valued; whom to rout, conquer, and destroy, cooks are without comparison more fit than cuirassiers and gendarmes armed at all points, or all the horse and foot in the world. you put me in mind, said pantagruel, of what is written amongst the facetious and merry sayings of cicero. during the more than civil wars between caesar and pompey, though he was much courted by the first, he naturally leaned more to the side of the latter. now one day hearing that the pompeians in a certain rencontre had lost a great many men, he took a fancy to visit their camp. there he perceived little strength, less courage, but much disorder. from that time, foreseeing that things would go ill with them, as it since happened, he began to banter now one and then another, and be very free of his cutting jests; so some of pompey's captains, playing the good fellows to show their assurance, told him, do you see how many eagles we have yet? (they were then the device of the romans in war.) they might be of use to you, replied cicero, if you had to do with magpies. thus, seeing we are to fight chitterlings, pursued pantagruel, you infer thence that it is a culinary war, and have a mind to join with the cooks. well, do as you please, i'll stay here in the meantime, and wait for the event of the rumpus. friar john went that very moment among the sutlers, into the cooks' tents, and told them in a pleasing manner: i must see you crowned with honour and triumph this day, my lads; to your arms are reserved such achievements as never yet were performed within the memory of man. ods-belly, do they make nothing of the valiant cooks? let us go fight yonder fornicating chitterlings! i'll be your captain. but first let's drink, boys. come on! let us be of good cheer. noble captain, returned the kitchen tribe, this was spoken like yourself; bravely offered. huzza! we are all at your excellency's command, and we live and die by you. live, live, said friar john, a god's name; but die by no means. that is the chitterlings' lot; they shall have their bellyful of it. come on then, let us put ourselves in order; nabuzardan's the word. chapter 4.xl. how friar john fitted up the sow; and of the valiant cooks that went into it. then, by friar john's order, the engineers and their workmen fitted up the great sow that was in the ship leathern bottle. it was a wonderful machine, so contrived that, by means of large engines that were round about it in rows, it throw'd forked iron bars and four-squared steel bolts; and in its hold two hundred men at least could easily fight, and be sheltered. it was made after the model of the sow of riole, by the means of which bergerac was retaken from the english in the reign of charles the sixth. here are the names of the noble and valiant cooks who went into the sow, as the greeks did into the trojan horse: sour-sauce. crisp-pig. carbonado. sweet-meat. greasy-slouch. sop-in-pan. greedy-gut. fat-gut. pick-fowl. liquorice-chops. bray-mortar. mustard-pot. soused-pork. lick-sauce. hog's-haslet. slap-sauce. hog's-foot. chopped-phiz. cock-broth. hodge-podge. gallimaufry. slipslop. all these noble cooks in their coat-of-arms did bear, in a field gules, a larding-pin vert, charged with a chevron argent. lard, hog's-lard. pinch-lard. snatch-lard. nibble-lard. top-lard. gnaw-lard. filch-lard. pick-lard. scrape-lard. fat-lard. save-lard. chew-lard. gaillard (by syncope) born near rambouillet. the said culinary doctor's name was gaillardlard, in the same manner as you use to say idolatrous for idololatrous. stiff-lard. cut-lard. waste-lard. watch-lard. mince-lard. ogle-lard. sweet-lard. dainty-lard. weigh-lard. eat-lard. fresh-lard. gulch-lard. snap-lard. rusty-lard. eye-lard. catch-lard. names unknown among the marranes and jews. ballocky. thirsty. porridge-pot. pick-sallat. kitchen-stuff. lick-dish. broil-rasher. verjuice. salt-gullet. coney-skin. save-dripping. snail-dresser. dainty-chops. watercress. soup-monger. pie-wright. scrape-turnip. brewis-belly. pudding-pan. trivet. chine-picker. toss-pot. monsieur ragout. suck-gravy. mustard-sauce. crack-pipkin. macaroon. claret-sauce. scrape-pot. skewer-maker. swill-broth. smell-smock. he was afterwards taken from the kitchen and removed to chamber-practice, for the service of the noble cardinal hunt-venison. rot-roast. hog's gullet. fox-tail. dish-clout. sirloin. fly-flap. save-suet. spit-mutton. old grizzle. fire-fumbler. fritter-frier. ruff-belly. pillicock. flesh-smith. saffron-sauce. long-tool. cram-gut. strutting-tom. prick-pride. tuzzy-mussy. slashed-snout. prick-madam. jacket-liner. smutty-face. pricket. guzzle-drink. mondam, that first invented madam's sauce, and for that discovery was thus called in the scotch-french dialect. loblolly. sloven. trencher-man. slabber-chops. swallow-pitcher. goodman goosecap. scum-pot. wafer-monger. munch-turnip. gully-guts. snap-gobbet. pudding-bag. rinse-pot. scurvy-phiz. pig-sticker. drink-spiller. robert. he invented robert's sauce, so good and necessary for roasted coneys, ducks, fresh pork, poached eggs, salt fish, and a thousand other such dishes. cold-eel. frying-pan. big-snout. thornback. man of dough. lick-finger. gurnard. sauce-doctor. tit-bit. grumbling-gut. waste-butter. sauce-box. alms-scrip. shitbreech. all-fours. taste-all. thick-brawn. whimwham. scrap-merchant. tom t--d. baste-roast. belly-timberman. mouldy-crust. gaping-hoyden. hashee. hasty. calf's-pluck. frig-palate. red-herring. leather-breeches. powdering-tub. cheesecake. all these noble cooks went into the sow, merry, cheery, hale, brisk, old dogs at mischief, and ready to fight stoutly. friar john ever and anon waving his huge scimitar, brought up the rear, and double-locked the doors on the inside. chapter 4.xli. how pantagruel broke the chitterlings at the knees. the chitterlings advanced so near that pantagruel perceived that they stretched their arms and already began to charge their lances, which caused him to send gymnast to know what they meant, and why they thus, without the least provocation, came to fall upon their old trusty friends, who had neither said nor done the least ill thing to them. gymnast being advanced near their front, bowed very low, and said to them as loud as ever he could: we are friends, we are friends; all, all of us your friends, yours, and at your command; we are for carnival, your old confederate. some have since told me that he mistook, and said cavernal instead of carnival. whatever it was, the word was no sooner out of his mouth but a huge little squab sausage, starting out of the front of their main body, would have griped him by the collar. by the helmet of mars, said gymnast, i will swallow thee; but thou shalt only come in in chips and slices; for, big as thou art, thou couldst never come in whole. this spoke, he lugs out his trusty sword, kiss-mine-arse (so he called it) with both his fists, and cut the sausage in twain. bless me, how fat the foul thief was! it puts me in mind of the huge bull of berne, that was slain at marignan when the drunken swiss were so mauled there. believe me, it had little less than four inches' lard on its paunch. the sausage's job being done, a crowd of others flew upon gymnast, and had most scurvily dragged him down when pantagruel with his men came up to his relief. then began the martial fray, higgledy-piggledy. maul-chitterling did maul chitterlings; cut-pudding did cut puddings; pantagruel did break the chitterlings at the knees; friar john played at least in sight within his sow, viewing and observing all things; when the pattipans that lay in ambuscade most furiously sallied out upon pantagruel. friar john, who lay snug all this while, by that time perceiving the rout and hurlyburly, set open the doors of his sow and sallied out with his merry greeks, some of them armed with iron spits, others with andirons, racks, fire-shovels, frying-pans, kettles, grid-irons, oven forks, tongs, dripping pans, brooms, iron pots, mortars, pestles, all in battle array, like so many housebreakers, hallooing and roaring out all together most frightfully, nabuzardan, nabuzardan, nabuzardan. thus shouting and hooting they fought like dragons, and charged through the pattipans and sausages. the chitterlings perceiving this fresh reinforcement, and that the others would be too hard for 'em, betook themselves to their heels, scampering off with full speed, as if the devil had come for them. friar john, with an iron crow, knocked them down as fast as hops; his men, too, were not sparing on their side. oh, what a woeful sight it was! the field was all over strewed with heaps of dead or wounded chitterlings; and history relates that had not heaven had a hand in it, the chitterling tribe had been totally routed out of the world by the culinary champions. but there happened a wonderful thing, you may believe as little or as much of it as you please. from the north flew towards us a huge, fat, thick, grizzly swine, with long and large wings, like those of a windmill; its plumes red crimson, like those of a phenicoptere (which in languedoc they call flaman); its eyes were red, and flaming like a carbuncle; its ears green, like a prasin emerald; its teeth like a topaz; its tail long and black, like jet; its feet white, diaphanous and transparent like a diamond, somewhat broad, and of the splay kind, like those of geese, and as queen dick's used to be at toulouse in the days of yore. about its neck it wore a gold collar, round which were some ionian characters, whereof i could pick out but two words, us athenan, hog-teaching minerva. the sky was clear before; but at that monster's appearance it changed so mightily for the worse that we were all amazed at it. as soon as the chitterlings perceived the flying hog, down they all threw their weapons and fell on their knees, lifting up their hands joined together, without speaking one word, in a posture of adoration. friar john and his party kept on mincing, felling, braining, mangling, and spitting the chitterlings like mad; but pantagruel sounded a retreat, and all hostility ceased. the monster having several times hovered backwards and forwards between the two armies, with a tail-shot voided above twenty-seven butts of mustard on the ground; then flew away through the air, crying all the while, carnival, carnival, carnival. chapter 4.xlii. how pantagruel held a treaty with niphleseth, queen of the chitterlings. the monster being out of sight, and the two armies remaining silent, pantagruel demanded a parley with the lady niphleseth, queen of the chitterlings, who was in her chariot by the standards; and it was easily granted. the queen alighted, courteously received pantagruel, and was glad to see him. pantagruel complained to her of this breach of peace; but she civilly made her excuse, telling him that a false information had caused all this mischief; her spies having brought her word that shrovetide, their mortal foe, was landed, and spent his time in examining the urine of physeters. she therefore entreated him to pardon them their offence, telling him that sir-reverence was sooner found in chitterlings than gall; and offering, for herself and all her successors, to hold of him and his the whole island and country; to obey him in all his commands, be friends to his friends, and foes to his foes; and also to send every year, as an acknowledgment of their homage, a tribute of seventy-eight thousand royal chitterlings, to serve him at his first course at table six months in the year; which was punctually performed. for the next day she sent the aforesaid quantity of royal chitterlings to the good gargantua, under the conduct of young niphleseth, infanta of the island. the good gargantua made a present of them to the great king of paris. but by change of air, and for want of mustard (the natural balsam and restorer of chitterlings), most of them died. by the great king's particular grant they were buried in heaps in a part of paris to this day called la rue pavee d'andouilles, the street paved with chitterlings. at the request of the ladies at his court young niphleseth was preserved, honourably used, and since that married to heart's content; and was the mother of many children, for which heaven be praised. pantagruel civilly thanked the queen, forgave all offences, refused the offer she had made of her country, and gave her a pretty little knife. after that he asked several nice questions concerning the apparition of that flying hog. she answered that it was the idea of carnival, their tutelary god in time of war, first founder and original of all the chitterling race; for which reason he resembled a hog, for chitterlings drew their extraction from hogs. pantagruel asking to what purpose and curative indication he had voided so much mustard on the earth, the queen replied that mustard was their sanc-greal and celestial balsam, of which, laying but a little in the wounds of the fallen chitterlings, in a very short time the wounded were healed and the dead restored to life. pantagruel held no further discourse with the queen, but retired a-shipboard. the like did all the boon companions, with their implements of destruction and their huge sow. chapter 4.xliii. how pantagruel went into the island of ruach. two days after we arrived at the island of ruach; and i swear to you, by the celestial hen and chickens, that i found the way of living of the people so strange and wonderful that i can't, for the heart's blood of me, half tell it you. they live on nothing but wind, eat nothing but wind, and drink nothing but wind. they have no other houses but weathercocks. they sow no other seeds but the three sorts of windflowers, rue, and herbs that may make one break wind to the purpose; these scour them off carefully. the common sort of people to feed themselves make use of feather, paper, or linen fans, according to their abilities. as for the rich, they live by the means of windmills. when they would have some noble treat, the tables are spread under one or two windmills. there they feast as merry as beggars, and during the meal their whole talk is commonly of the goodness, excellency, salubrity, and rarity of winds; as you, jolly topers, in your cups philosophize and argue upon wines. the one praises the south-east, the other the south-west; this the west and by south, and this the east and by north; another the west, and another the east; and so of the rest. as for lovers and amorous sparks, no gale for them like a smock-gale. for the sick they use bellows as we use clysters among us. oh! said to me a little diminutive swollen bubble, that i had now but a bladderful of that same languedoc wind which they call cierce. the famous physician, scurron, passing one day by this country, was telling us that it is so strong that it will make nothing of overturning a loaded waggon. oh! what good would it not do my oedipodic leg. the biggest are not the best; but, said panurge, rather would i had here a large butt of that same good languedoc wine that grows at mirevaux, canteperdrix, and frontignan. i saw a good likely sort of a man there, much resembling ventrose, tearing and fuming in a grievous fret with a tall burly groom and a pimping little page of his, laying them on, like the devil, with a buskin. not knowing the cause of his anger, at first i thought that all this was by the doctor's advice, as being a thing very healthy to the master to be in a passion and to his man to be banged for it. but at last i heard him taxing his man with stealing from him, like a rogue as he was, the better half of a large leathern bag of an excellent southerly wind, which he had carefully laid up, like a hidden reserve, against the cold weather. they neither exonerate, dung, piss, nor spit in that island; but, to make amends, they belch, fizzle, funk, and give tail-shots in abundance. they are troubled with all manner of distempers; and, indeed, all distempers are engendered and proceed from ventosities, as hippocrates demonstrates, lib. de flatibus. but the most epidemical among them is the wind-cholic. the remedies which they use are large clysters, whereby they void store of windiness. they all die of dropsies and tympanies, the men farting and the women fizzling; so that their soul takes her leave at the back-door. some time after, walking in the island, we met three hairbrained airy fellows, who seemed mightily puffed up, and went to take their pastime and view the plovers, who live on the same diet as themselves, and abound in the island. i observed that, as your true topers when they travel carry flasks, leathern bottles, and small runlets along with them, so each of them had at his girdle a pretty little pair of bellows. if they happened to want wind, by the help of those pretty bellows they immediately drew some, fresh and cool, by attraction and reciprocal expulsion; for, as you well know, wind essentially defined is nothing but fluctuating and agitated air. a while after, we were commanded, in the king's name, not to receive for three hours any man or woman of the country on board our ships; some having stolen from him a rousing fart, of the very individual wind which old goodman aeolus the snorer gave ulysses to conduct his ship whenever it should happen to be becalmed. which fart the king kept religiously, like another sanc-greal, and performed a world of wonderful cures with it in many dangerous diseases, letting loose and distributing to the patient only as much of it as might frame a virginal fart; which is, if you must know, what our sanctimonials, alias nuns, in their dialect call ringing backwards. chapter 4.xliv. how small rain lays a high wind. pantagruel commended their government and way of living, and said to their hypenemian mayor: if you approve epicurus's opinion, placing the summum bonum in pleasure (i mean pleasure that's easy and free from toil), i esteem you happy; for your food being wind, costs you little or nothing, since you need but blow. true, sir, returned the mayor; but, alas! nothing is perfect here below; for too often when we are at table, feeding on some good blessed wind of god as on celestial manna, merry as so many friars, down drops on a sudden some small rain, which lays our wind, and so robs us of it. thus many a meal's lost for want of meat. just so, quoth panurge, jenin toss-pot of quinquenais, evacuating some wine of his own burning on his wife's posteriors, laid the ill-fumed wind that blowed out of their centre as out of some magisterial aeolipile. here is a kind of a whim on that subject which i made formerly: one evening when toss-pot had been at his butts, and joan his fat spouse crammed with turnips her guts, together they pigged, nor did drink so besot him but he did what was done when his daddy begot him. now when to recruit he'd fain have been snoring, joan's back-door was filthily puffing and roaring; so for spite he bepissed her, and quickly did find that a very small rain lays a very high wind. we are also plagued yearly with a very great calamity, cried the mayor; for a giant called wide-nostrils, who lives in the island of tohu, comes hither every spring to purge, by the advice of his physicians, and swallows us, like so many pills, a great number of windmills, and of bellows also, at which his mouth waters exceedingly. now this is a sad mortification to us here, who are fain to fast over three or four whole lents every year for this, besides certain petty lents, ember weeks, and other orison and starving tides. and have you no remedy for this? asked pantagruel. by the advice of our mezarims, replied the mayor, about the time that he uses to give us a visit, we garrison our windmills with good store of cocks and hens. the first time that the greedy thief swallowed them, they had like to have done his business at once; for they crowed and cackled in his maw, and fluttered up and down athwart and along in his stomach, which threw the glutton into a lipothymy cardiac passion and dreadful and dangerous convulsions, as if some serpent, creeping in at his mouth, had been frisking in his stomach. here is a comparative as altogether incongruous and impertinent, cried friar john, interrupting them; for i have formerly heard that if a serpent chance to get into a man's stomach it will not do him the least hurt, but will immediately get out if you do but hang the patient by the heels and lay a panful of warm milk near his mouth. you were told this, said pantagruel, and so were those who gave you this account; but none ever saw or read of such a cure. on the contrary, hippocrates, in his fifth book of epidem, writes that such a case happening in his time the patient presently died of a spasm and convulsion. besides the cocks and hens, said the mayor, continuing his story, all the foxes in the country whipped into wide-nostril's mouth, posting after the poultry; which made such a stir with reynard at their heels, that he grievously fell into fits each minute of an hour. at last, by the advice of a baden enchanter, at the time of the paroxysm he used to flay a fox by way of antidote and counter-poison. since that he took better advice, and eases himself with taking a clyster made with a decoction of wheat and barley corns, and of livers of goslings; to the first of which the poultry run, and the foxes to the latter. besides, he swallows some of your badgers or fox-dogs by the way of pills and boluses. this is our misfortune. cease to fear, good people, cried pantagruel; this huge wide-nostrils, this same swallower of windmills, is no more, i will assure you; he died, being stifled and choked with a lump of fresh butter at the mouth of a hot oven, by the advice of his physicians. chapter 4.xlv. how pantagruel went ashore in the island of pope-figland. the next morning we arrived at the island of pope-figs; formerly a rich and free people, called the gaillardets, but now, alas! miserably poor, and under the yoke of the papimen. the occasion of it was this: on a certain yearly high holiday, the burgomaster, syndics, and topping rabbies of the gaillardets chanced to go into the neighbouring island papimany to see the festival and pass away the time. now one of them having espied the pope's picture (with the sight of which, according to a laudable custom, the people were blessed on high-offering holidays), made mouths at it, and cried, a fig for it! as a sign of manifest contempt and derision. to be revenged of this affront, the papimen, some days after, without giving the others the least warning, took arms, and surprised, destroyed, and ruined the whole island of the gaillardets; putting the men to the sword, and sparing none but the women and children, and those too only on condition to do what the inhabitants of milan were condemned to by the emperor frederick barbarossa. these had rebelled against him in his absence, and ignominiously turned the empress out of the city, mounting her a-horseback on a mule called thacor, with her breech foremost towards the old jaded mule's head, and her face turned towards the crupper. now frederick being returned, mastered them, and caused so careful a search to be made that he found out and got the famous mule thacor. then the hangman by his order clapped a fig into the mule's jimcrack, in the presence of the enslaved cits that were brought into the middle of the great market-place, and proclaimed in the emperor's name, with trumpets, that whosoever of them would save his own life should publicly pull the fig out with his teeth, and after that put it in again in the very individual cranny whence he had draw'd it without using his hands, and that whoever refused to do this should presently swing for it and die in his shoes. some sturdy fools, standing upon their punctilio, chose honourably to be hanged rather than submit to so shameful and abominable a disgrace; and others, less nice in point of ceremony, took heart of grace, and even resolved to have at the fig, and a fig for't, rather than make a worse figure with a hempen collar, and die in the air at so short warning. accordingly, when they had neatly picked out the fig with their teeth from old thacor's snatch-blatch, they plainly showed it the headsman, saying, ecco lo fico, behold the fig! by the same ignominy the rest of these poor distressed gaillardets saved their bacon, becoming tributaries and slaves, and the name of pope-figs was given them, because they said, a fig for the pope's image. since this, the poor wretches never prospered, but every year the devil was at their doors, and they were plagued with hail, storms, famine, and all manner of woes, as an everlasting punishment for the sin of their ancestors and relations. perceiving the misery and calamity of that generation, we did not care to go further up into the country, contenting ourselves with going into a little chapel near the haven to take some holy water. it was dilapidated and ruined, wanting also a cover--like saint peter at rome. when we were in, as we dipped our fingers in the sanctified cistern, we spied in the middle of that holy pickle a fellow muffled up with stoles, all under water, like a diving duck, except the tip of his snout to draw his breath. about him stood three priests, true shavelings, clean shorn and polled, who were muttering strange words to the devils out of a conjuring book. pantagruel was not a little amazed at this, and inquiring what kind of sport these were at, was told that for three years last past the plague had so dreadfully raged in the island that the better half of it had been utterly depopulated, and the lands lay fallow and unoccupied. now, the mortality being over, this same fellow who had crept into the holy tub, having a large piece of ground, chanced to be sowing it with white winter wheat at the very minute of an hour that a kind of a silly sucking devil, who could not yet write or read, or hail and thunder, unless it were on parsley or coleworts, and got leave of his master lucifer to go into this island of pope-figs, where the devils were very familiar with the men and women, and often went to take their pastime. this same devil being got thither, directed his discourse to the husbandman, and asked him what he was doing. the poor man told him that he was sowing the ground with corn to help him to subsist the next year. ay, but the ground is none of thine, mr. plough-jobber, cried the devil, but mine; for since the time that you mocked the pope all this land has been proscribed, adjudged, and abandoned to us. however, to sow corn is not my province; therefore i will give thee leave to sow the field, that is to say, provided we share the profit. i will, replied the farmer. i mean, said the devil, that of what the land shall bear, two lots shall be made, one of what shall grow above ground, the other of what shall be covered with earth. the right of choosing belongs to me; for i am a devil of noble and ancient race; thou art a base clown. i therefore choose what shall lie under ground, take thou what shall be above. when dost thou reckon to reap, hah? about the middle of july, quoth the farmer. well, said the devil, i'll not fail thee then; in the meantime, slave as thou oughtest. work, clown, work. i am going to tempt to the pleasing sin of whoring the nuns of dryfart, the sham saints of the cowl, and the gluttonish crew. i am more than sure of these. they need but meet, and the job is done; true fire and tinder, touch and take; down falls nun, and up gets friar. chapter 4.xlvi. how a junior devil was fooled by a husbandman of pope-figland. in the middle of july the devil came to the place aforesaid with all his crew at his heels, a whole choir of the younger fry of hell; and having met the farmer, said to him, well, clodpate, how hast thou done since i went? thou and i must share the concern. ay, master devil, quoth the clown; it is but reason we should. then he and his men began to cut and reap the corn; and, on the other side, the devil's imps fell to work, grubbing up and pulling out the stubble by the root. the countryman had his corn thrashed, winnowed it, put in into sacks, and went with it to market. the same did the devil's servants, and sat them down there by the man to sell their straw. the countryman sold off his corn at a good rate, and with the money filled an old kind of a demi-buskin which was fastened to his girdle. but the devil a sou the devils took; far from taking handsel, they were flouted and jeered by the country louts. market being over, quoth the devil to the farmer, well, clown, thou hast choused me once, it is thy fault; chouse me twice, 'twill be mine. nay, good sir devil, replied the farmer; how can i be said to have choused you, since it was your worship that chose first? the truth is, that by this trick you thought to cheat me, hoping that nothing would spring out of the earth for my share, and that you should find whole underground the corn which i had sowed, and with it tempt the poor and needy, the close hypocrite, or the covetous griper; thus making them fall into your snares. but troth, you must e'en go to school yet; you are no conjurer, for aught i see; for the corn that was sow'd is dead and rotten, its corruption having caused the generation of that which you saw me sell. so you chose the worst, and therefore are cursed in the gospel. well, talk no more of it, quoth the devil; what canst thou sow our field with for next year? if a man would make the best of it, answered the ploughman, 'twere fit he sow it with radish. now, cried the devil, thou talkest like an honest fellow, bumpkin. well, sow me good store of radish, i'll see and keep them safe from storms, and will not hail a bit on them. but hark ye me, this time i bespeak for my share what shall be above ground; what's under shall be thine. drudge on, looby, drudge on. i am going to tempt heretics; their souls are dainty victuals when broiled in rashers and well powdered. my lord lucifer has the griping in the guts; they'll make a dainty warm dish for his honour's maw. when the season of radishes was come, our devil failed not to meet in the field, with a train of rascally underlings, all waiting devils, and finding there the farmer and his men, he began to cut and gather the leaves of the radishes. after him the farmer with his spade dug up the radishes, and clapped them up into pouches. this done, the devil, the farmer, and their gangs, hied them to market, and there the farmer presently made good money of his radishes; but the poor devil took nothing; nay, what was worse, he was made a common laughing-stock by the gaping hoidens. i see thou hast played me a scurvy trick, thou villainous fellow, cried the angry devil; at last i am fully resolved even to make an end of the business betwixt thee and myself about the ground, and these shall be the terms: we will clapperclaw each other, and whoever of us two shall first cry hold, shall quit his share of the field, which shall wholly belong to the conqueror. i fix the time for this trial of skill on this day seven-night; assure thyself that i'll claw thee off like a devil. i was going to tempt your fornicators, bailiffs, perplexers of causes, scriveners, forgers of deeds, two-handed counsellors, prevaricating solicitors, and other such vermin; but they were so civil as to send me word by an interpreter that they are all mine already. besides, our master lucifer is so cloyed with their souls that he often sends them back to the smutty scullions and slovenly devils of his kitchen, and they scarce go down with them, unless now and then, when they are high-seasoned. some say there is no breakfast like a student's, no dinner like a lawyer's, no afternoon's nunchion like a vine-dresser's, no supper like a tradesman's, no second supper like a serving-wench's, and none of these meals equal to a frockified hobgoblin's. all this is true enough. accordingly, at my lord lucifer's first course, hobgoblins, alias imps in cowls, are a standing dish. he willingly used to breakfast on students; but, alas! i do not know by what ill luck they have of late years joined the holy bible to their studies; so the devil a one we can get down among us; and i verily believe that unless the hypocrites of the tribe of levi help us in it, taking from the enlightened book-mongers their st. paul, either by threats, revilings, force, violence, fire, and faggot, we shall not be able to hook in any more of them to nibble at below. he dines commonly on counsellors, mischief-mongers, multipliers of lawsuits, such as wrest and pervert right and law and grind and fleece the poor; he never fears to want any of these. but who can endure to be wedded to a dish? he said t'other day, at a full chapter, that he had a great mind to eat the soul of one of the fraternity of the cowl that had forgot to speak for himself in his sermon, and he promised double pay and a large pension to anyone that should bring him such a titbit piping hot. we all went a-hunting after such a rarity, but came home without the prey; for they all admonish the good women to remember their convent. as for afternoon nunchions, he has left them off since he was so woefully griped with the colic; his fosterers, sutlers, charcoal-men, and boiling cooks having been sadly mauled and peppered off in the northern countries. his high devilship sups very well on tradesmen, usurers, apothecaries, cheats, coiners, and adulterers of wares. now and then, when he is on the merry pin, his second supper is of serving-wenches who, after they have by stealth soaked their faces with their master's good liquor, fill up the vessel with it at second hand, or with other stinking water. well, drudge on, boor, drudge on; i am going to tempt the students of trebisonde to leave father and mother, forego for ever the established and common rule of living, disclaim and free themselves from obeying their lawful sovereign's edicts, live in absolute liberty, proudly despise everyone, laugh at all mankind, and taking the fine jovial little cap of poetic licence, become so many pretty hobgoblins. chapter 4.xlvii. how the devil was deceived by an old woman of pope-figland. the country lob trudged home very much concerned and thoughtful, you may swear; insomuch that his good woman, seeing him thus look moping, weened that something had been stolen from him at market; but when she had heard the cause of his affliction and seen his budget well lined with coin, she bade him be of good cheer, assuring him that he would be never the worse for the scratching bout in question; wishing him only to leave her to manage that business, and not trouble his head about it; for she had already contrived how to bring him off cleverly. let the worst come to the worst, said the husbandman, it will be but a scratch; for i'll yield at the first stroke, and quit the field. quit a fart, replied the wife; he shall have none of the field. rely upon me, and be quiet; let me alone to deal with him. you say he is a pimping little devil, that is enough; i will soon make him give up the field, i will warrant you. indeed, had he been a great devil, it had been somewhat. the day that we landed in the island happened to be that which the devil had fixed for the combat. now the countryman having, like a good catholic, very fairly confessed himself, and received betimes in the morning, by the advice of the vicar had hid himself, all but the snout, in the holy-water pot, in the posture in which we found him; and just as they were telling us this story, news came that the old woman had fooled the devil and gained the field. you may not be sorry, perhaps, to hear how this happened. the devil, you must know, came to the poor man's door, and rapping there, cried, so ho! ho, the house! ho, clodpate! where art thou? come out with a vengeance; come out with a wannion; come out and be damned; now for clawing. then briskly and resolutely entering the house, and not finding the countryman there, he spied his wife lying on the ground, piteously weeping and howling. what is the matter? asked the devil. where is he? what does he? oh! that i knew where he is, replied threescore and five; the wicked rogue, the butcherly dog, the murderer! he has spoiled me; i am undone; i die of what he has done me. how, cried the devil, what is it? i'll tickle him off for you by-and-by. alas! cried the old dissembler, he told me, the butcher, the tyrant, the tearer of devils told me that he had made a match to scratch with you this day, and to try his claws he did but just touch me with his little finger here betwixt the legs, and has spoiled me for ever. oh! i am a dead woman; i shall never be myself again; do but see! nay, and besides, he talked of going to the smith's to have his pounces sharpened and pointed. alas! you are undone, mr. devil; good sir, scamper quickly, i am sure he won't stay; save yourself, i beseech you. while she said this she uncovered herself up to the chin, after the manner in which the persian women met their children who fled from the fight, and plainly showed her what do ye call them. the frightened devil, seeing the enormous solution of the continuity in all its dimensions, blessed himself, and cried out, mahon, demiourgon, megaera, alecto, persephone! 'slife, catch me here when he comes! i am gone! 'sdeath, what a gash! i resign him the field. having heard the catastrophe of the story, we retired a-shipboard, not being willing to stay there any longer. pantagruel gave to the poor's box of the fabric of the church eighteen thousand good royals, in commiseration of the poverty of the people and the calamity of the place. chapter 4.xlviii. how pantagruel went ashore at the island of papimany. having left the desolate island of the pope-figs, we sailed for the space of a day very fairly and merrily, and made the blessed island of papimany. as soon as we had dropt anchor in the road, before we had well moored our ship with ground-tackle, four persons in different garbs rowed towards us in a skiff. one of them was dressed like a monk in his frock, draggle-tailed, and booted; the other like a falconer, with a lure, and a long-winged hawk on his fist; the third like a solicitor, with a large bag, full of informations, subpoenas, breviates, bills, writs, cases, and other implements of pettifogging; the fourth looked like one of your vine-barbers about ocleans, with a jaunty pair of canvas trousers, a dosser, and a pruning knife at his girdle. as soon as the boat had clapped them on board, they all with one voice asked, have you seen him, good passengers, have you seen him? who? asked pantagruel. you know who, answered they. who is it? asked friar john. 'sblood and 'ounds, i'll thrash him thick and threefold. this he said thinking that they inquired after some robber, murderer, or church-breaker. oh, wonderful! cried the four; do not you foreign people know the one? sirs, replied epistemon, we do not understand those terms; but if you will be pleased to let us know who you mean, we will tell you the truth of the matter without any more ado. we mean, said they, he that is. did you ever see him? he that is, returned pantagruel, according to our theological doctrine, is god, who said to moses, i am that i am. we never saw him, nor can he be beheld by mortal eyes. we mean nothing less than that supreme god who rules in heaven, replied they; we mean the god on earth. did you ever see him? upon my honour, replied carpalin, they mean the pope. ay, ay, answered panurge; yea, verily, gentlemen, i have seen three of them, whose sight has not much bettered me. how! cried they, our sacred decretals inform us that there never is more than one living. i mean successively, one after the other, returned panurge; otherwise i never saw more than one at a time. o thrice and four times happy people! cried they; you are welcome, and more than double welcome! they then kneeled down before us and would have kissed our feet, but we would not suffer it, telling them that should the pope come thither in his own person, 'tis all they could do to him. no, certainly, answered they, for we have already resolved upon the matter. we would kiss his bare arse without boggling at it, and eke his two pounders; for he has a pair of them, the holy father, that he has; we find it so by our fine decretals, otherwise he could not be pope. so that, according to our subtle decretaline philosophy, this is a necessary consequence: he is pope; therefore he has genitories, and should genitories no more be found in the world, the world could no more have a pope. while they were talking thus, pantagruel inquired of one of the coxswain's crew who those persons were. he answered that they were the four estates of the island, and added that we should be made as welcome as princes, since we had seen the pope. panurge having been acquainted with this by pantagruel, said to him in his ear, i swear and vow, sir, 'tis even so; he that has patience may compass anything. seeing the pope had done us no good; now, in the devil's name, 'twill do us a great deal. we then went ashore, and the whole country, men, women, and children, came to meet us as in a solemn procession. our four estates cried out to them with a loud voice, they have seen him! they have seen him! they have seen him! that proclamation being made, all the mob kneeled before us, lifting up their hands towards heaven, and crying, o happy men! o most happy! and this acclamation lasted above a quarter of an hour. then came the busby (!) of the place, with all his pedagogues, ushers, and schoolboys, whom he magisterially flogged, as they used to whip children in our country formerly when some criminal was hanged, that they might remember it. this displeased pantagruel, who said to them, gentlemen, if you do not leave off whipping these poor children, i am gone. the people were amazed, hearing his stentorian voice; and i saw a little hump with long fingers say to the hypodidascal, what, in the name of wonder! do all those that see the pope grow as tall as yon huge fellow that threatens us? ah! how i shall think time long till i have seen him too, that i may grow and look as big. in short, the acclamations were so great that homenas (so they called their bishop) hastened thither on an unbridled mule with green trappings, attended by his apposts (as they said) and his supposts, or officers bearing crosses, banners, standards, canopies, torches, holy-water pots, &c. he too wanted to kiss our feet (as the good christian valfinier did to pope clement), saying that one of their hypothetes, that's one of the scavengers, scourers, and commentators of their holy decretals, had written that, in the same manner as the messiah, so long and so much expected by the jews, at last appeared among them; so, on some happy day of god, the pope would come into that island; and that, while they waited for that blessed time, if any who had seen him at rome or elsewhere chanced to come among them, they should be sure to make much of them, feast them plentifully, and treat them with a great deal of reverence. however, we civilly desired to be excused. chapter 4.xlix. how homenas, bishop of papimany, showed us the uranopet decretals. homenas then said to us: 'tis enjoined us by our holy decretals to visit churches first and taverns after. therefore, not to decline that fine institution, let us go to church; we will afterwards go and feast ourselves. man of god, quoth friar john, do you go before, we'll follow you. you spoke in the matter properly, and like a good christian; 'tis long since we saw any such. for my part, this rejoices my mind very much, and i verily believe that i shall have the better stomach after it. well, 'tis a happy thing to meet with good men! being come near the gate of the church, we spied a huge thick book, gilt, and covered all over with precious stones, as rubies, emeralds, (diamonds,) and pearls, more, or at least as valuable as those which augustus consecrated to jupiter capitolinus. this book hanged in the air, being fastened with two thick chains of gold to the zoophore of the porch. we looked on it and admired it. as for pantagruel, he handled it and dandled it and turned it as he pleased, for he could reach it without straining; and he protested that whenever he touched it, he was seized with a pleasant tickling at his fingers' end, new life and activity in his arms, and a violent temptation in his mind to beat one or two sergeants, or such officers, provided they were not of the shaveling kind. homenas then said to us, the law was formerly given to the jews by moses, written by god himself. at delphos, before the portal of apollo's temple, this sentence, gnothi seauton, was found written with a divine hand. and some time after it, ei was also seen, and as divinely written and transmitted from heaven. cybele's image was brought out of heaven, into a field called pessinunt, in phrygia; so was that of diana to tauris, if you will believe euripides; the oriflamme, or holy standard, was transmitted out of heaven to the noble and most christian kings of france, to fight against the unbelievers. in the reign of numa pompilius, second king of the romans, the famous copper buckler called ancile was seen to descend from heaven. at acropolis, near athens, minerva's statue formerly fell from the empyreal heaven. in like manner the sacred decretals which you see were written with the hand of an angel of the cherubim kind. you outlandish people will hardly believe this, i fear. little enough, of conscience, said panurge. and then, continued homenas, they were miraculously transmitted to us here from the very heaven of heavens; in the same manner as the river nile is called diipetes by homer, the father of all philosophy--the holy decretals always excepted. now, because you have seen the pope, their evangelist and everlasting protector, we will give you leave to see and kiss them on the inside, if you think meet. but then you must fast three days before, and canonically confess; nicely and strictly mustering up and inventorizing your sins, great and small, so thick that one single circumstance of them may not escape you; as our holy decretals, which you see, direct. this will take up some time. man of god, answered panurge, we have seen and descried decrees, and eke decretals enough o' conscience; some on paper, other on parchment, fine and gay like any painted paper lantern, some on vellum, some in manuscript, and others in print; so you need not take half these pains to show us these. we'll take the goodwill for the deed, and thank you as much as if we had. ay, marry, said homenas, but you never saw these that are angelically written. those in your country are only transcripts from ours; as we find it written by one of our old decretaline scholiasts. for me, do not spare me; i do not value the labour, so i may serve you. do but tell me whether you will be confessed and fast only three short little days of god? as for shriving, answered panurge, there can be no great harm in't; but this same fasting, master of mine, will hardly down with us at this time, for we have so very much overfasted ourselves at sea that the spiders have spun their cobwebs over our grinders. do but look on this good friar john des entomeures (homenas then courteously demi-clipped him about the neck), some moss is growing in his throat for want of bestirring and exercising his chaps. he speaks the truth, vouched friar john; i have so much fasted that i'm almost grown hump-shouldered. come, then, let's go into the church, said homenas; and pray forgive us if for the present we do not sing you a fine high mass. the hour of midday is past, and after it our sacred decretals forbid us to sing mass, i mean your high and lawful mass. but i'll say a low and dry one for you. i had rather have one moistened with some good anjou wine, cried panurge; fall to, fall to your low mass, and despatch. ods-bodikins, quoth friar john, it frets me to the guts that i must have an empty stomach at this time of day; for, had i eaten a good breakfast and fed like a monk, if he should chance to sing us the requiem aeternam dona eis, domine, i had then brought thither bread and wine for the traits passes (those that are gone before). well, patience; pull away, and save tide; short and sweet, i pray you, and this for a cause. chapter 4.l. how homenas showed us the archetype, or representation of a pope. mass being mumbled over, homenas took a huge bundle of keys out of a trunk near the head altar, and put thirty-two of them into so many keyholes; put back so many springs; then with fourteen more mastered so many padlocks, and at last opened an iron window strongly barred above the said altar. this being done, in token of great mystery he covered himself with wet sackcloth, and drawing a curtain of crimson satin, showed us an image daubed over, coarsely enough, to my thinking; then he touched it with a pretty long stick, and made us all kiss the part of the stick that had touched the image. after this he said unto us, what think you of this image? it is the likeness of a pope, answered pantagruel; i know it by the triple crown, his furred amice, his rochet, and his slipper. you are in the right, said homenas; it is the idea of that same good god on earth whose coming we devoutly await, and whom we hope one day to see in this country. o happy, wished-for, and much-expected day! and happy, most happy you, whose propitious stars have so favoured you as to let you see the living and real face of this good god on earth! by the single sight of whose picture we obtain full remission of all the sins which we remember that we have committed, as also a third part and eighteen quarantaines of the sins which we have forgot; and indeed we only see it on high annual holidays. this caused pantagruel to say that it was a work like those which daedalus used to make, since, though it were deformed and ill drawn, nevertheless some divine energy, in point of pardons, lay hid and concealed in it. thus, said friar john, at seuille, the rascally beggars being one evening on a solemn holiday at supper in the spital, one bragged of having got six blancs, or twopence halfpenny; another eight liards, or twopence; a third, seven caroluses, or sixpence; but an old mumper made his vaunts of having got three testons, or five shillings. ah, but, cried his comrades, thou hast a leg of god; as if, continued friar john, some divine virtue could lie hid in a stinking ulcerated rotten shank. pray, said pantagruel, when you are for telling us some such nauseous tale, be so kind as not to forget to provide a basin, friar john; i'll assure you, i had much ado to forbear bringing up my breakfast. fie! i wonder a man of your coat is not ashamed to use thus the sacred name of god in speaking of things so filthy and abominable! fie, i say. if among your monking tribes such an abuse of words is allowed, i beseech you leave it there, and do not let it come out of the cloisters. physicians, said epistemon, thus attribute a kind of divinity to some diseases. nero also extolled mushrooms, and, in a greek proverb, termed them divine food, because with them he had poisoned claudius his predecessor. but methinks, gentlemen, this same picture is not over-like our late popes. for i have seen them, not with their pallium, amice, or rochet on, but with helmets on their heads, more like the top of a persian turban; and while the christian commonwealth was in peace, they alone were most furiously and cruelly making war. this must have been then, returned homenas, against the rebellious, heretical protestants; reprobates who are disobedient to the holiness of this good god on earth. 'tis not only lawful for him to do so, but it is enjoined him by the sacred decretals; and if any dare transgress one single iota against their commands, whether they be emperors, kings, dukes, princes, or commonwealths, he is immediately to pursue them with fire and sword, strip them of all their goods, take their kingdoms from them, proscribe them, anathematize them, and destroy not only their bodies, those of their children, relations, and others, but damn also their souls to the very bottom of the most hot and burning cauldron in hell. here, in the devil's name, said panurge, the people are no heretics; such as was our raminagrobis, and as they are in germany and england. you are christians of the best edition, all picked and culled, for aught i see. ay, marry are we, returned homenas, and for that reason we shall all be saved. now let us go and bless ourselves with holy water, and then to dinner. chapter 4.li. table-talk in praise of the decretals. now, topers, pray observe that while homenas was saying his dry mass, three collectors, or licensed beggars of the church, each of them with a large basin, went round among the people, with a loud voice: pray remember the blessed men who have seen his face. as we came out of the temple they brought their basins brimful of papimany chink to homenas, who told us that it was plentifully to feast with; and that, of this contribution and voluntary tax, one part should be laid out in good drinking, another in good eating, and the remainder in both, according to an admirable exposition hidden in a corner of their holy decretals; which was performed to a t, and that at a noted tavern not much unlike that of will's at amiens. believe me, we tickled it off there with copious cramming and numerous swilling. i made two notable observations at that dinner: the one, that there was not one dish served up, whether of cabrittas, capons, hogs (of which latter there is great plenty in papimany), pigeons, coneys, leverets, turkeys, or others, without abundance of magistral stuff; the other, that every course, and the fruit also, were served up by unmarried females of the place, tight lasses, i'll assure you, waggish, fair, good-conditioned, and comely, spruce, and fit for business. they were all clad in fine long white albs, with two girts; their hair interwoven with narrow tape and purple ribbon, stuck with roses, gillyflowers, marjoram, daffadowndillies, thyme, and other sweet flowers. at every cadence they invited us to drink and bang it about, dropping us neat and genteel courtesies; nor was the sight of them unwelcome to all the company; and as for friar john, he leered on them sideways, like a cur that steals a capon. when the first course was taken off, the females melodiously sung us an epode in the praise of the sacrosanct decretals; and then the second course being served up, homenas, joyful and cheery, said to one of the she-butlers, light here, clerica. immediately one of the girls brought him a tall-boy brimful of extravagant wine. he took fast hold of it, and fetching a deep sigh, said to pantagruel, my lord, and you, my good friends, here's t'ye, with all my heart; you are all very welcome. when he had tipped that off, and given the tall-boy to the pretty creature, he lifted up his voice and said, o most holy decretals, how good is good wine found through your means! this is the best jest we have had yet, observed panurge. but it would still be a better, said pantagruel, if they could turn bad wine into good. o seraphic sextum! continued homenas, how necessary are you not to the salvation of poor mortals! o cherubic clementinae! how perfectly the perfect institution of a true christian is contained and described in you! o angelical extravagantes! how many poor souls that wander up and down in mortal bodies through this vale of misery would perish were it not for you! when, ah! when shall this special gift of grace be bestowed on mankind, as to lay aside all other studies and concerns, to use you, to peruse you, to understand you, to know you by heart, to practise you, to incorporate you, to turn you into blood, and incentre you into the deepest ventricles of their brains, the inmost marrow of their bones, and most intricate labyrinth of their arteries? then, ah! then, and no sooner than then, nor otherwise than thus, shall the world be happy! while the old man was thus running on, epistemon rose and softly said to panurge: for want of a close-stool, i must even leave you for a moment or two; this stuff has unbunged the orifice of my mustard-barrel; but i'll not tarry long. then, ah! then, continued homenas, no hail, frost, ice, snow, overflowing, or vis major; then plenty of all earthly goods here below. then uninterrupted and eternal peace through the universe, an end of all wars, plunderings, drudgeries, robbing, assassinates, unless it be to destroy these cursed rebels the heretics. oh! then, rejoicing, cheerfulness, jollity, solace, sports, and delicious pleasures, over the face of the earth. oh! what great learning, inestimable erudition, and god-like precepts are knit, linked, rivetted, and mortised in the divine chapters of these eternal decretals! oh! how wonderfully, if you read but one demi-canon, short paragraph, or single observation of these sacrosanct decretals, how wonderfully, i say, do you not perceive to kindle in your hearts a furnace of divine love, charity towards your neighbour (provided he be no heretic), bold contempt of all casual and sublunary things, firm content in all your affections, and ecstatic elevation of soul even to the third heaven. chapter 4.lii. a continuation of the miracles caused by the decretals. wisely, brother timothy, quoth panurge, did am, did am; he says blew; but, for my part, i believe as little of it as i can. for one day by chance i happened to read a chapter of them at poictiers, at the most decretalipotent scotch doctor's, and old nick turn me into bumfodder, if this did not make me so hide-bound and costive, that for four or five days i hardly scumbered one poor butt of sir-reverence; and that, too, was full as dry and hard, i protest, as catullus tells us were those of his neighbour furius: nec toto decies cacas in anno, atque id durius est faba, et lapillis: quod tu si manibus teras, fricesque, non unquam digitum inquinare posses. oh, ho! cried homenas; by'r lady, it may be you were then in the state of mortal sin, my friend. well turned, cried panurge; this was a new strain, egad. one day, said friar john, at seuille, i had applied to my posteriors, by way of hind-towel, a leaf of an old clementinae which our rent-gatherer, john guimard, had thrown out into the green of our cloister. now the devil broil me like a black pudding, if i wasn't so abominably plagued with chaps, chawns, and piles at the fundament, that the orifice of my poor nockandroe was in a most woeful pickle for i don't know how long. by'r our lady, cried homenas, it was a plain punishment of god for the sin that you had committed in beraying that sacred book, which you ought rather to have kissed and adored; i say with an adoration of latria, or of hyperdulia at least. the panormitan never told a lie in the matter. saith ponocrates: at montpelier, john chouart having bought of the monks of st. olary a delicate set of decretals, written on fine large parchment of lamballe, to beat gold between the leaves, not so much as a piece that was beaten in them came to good, but all were dilacerated and spoiled. mark this! cried homenas; 'twas a divine punishment and vengeance. at mans, said eudemon, francis cornu, apothecary, had turned an old set of extravagantes into waste paper. may i never stir, if whatever was lapped up in them was not immediately corrupted, rotten, and spoiled; incense, pepper, cloves, cinnamon, saffron, wax, cassia, rhubarb, tamarinds, all drugs and spices, were lost without exception. mark, mark, quoth homenas, an effect of divine justice! this comes of putting the sacred scriptures to such profane uses. at paris, said carpalin, snip groignet the tailor had turned an old clementinae into patterns and measures, and all the clothes that were cut on them were utterly spoiled and lost; gowns, hoods, cloaks, cassocks, jerkins, jackets, waistcoats, capes, doublets, petticoats, corps de robes, farthingales, and so forth. snip, thinking to cut a hood, would cut you out a codpiece; instead of a cassock he would make you a high-crowned hat; for a waistcoat he'd shape you out a rochet; on the pattern of a doublet he'd make you a thing like a frying-pan. then his journeymen having stitched it up did jag it and pink it at the bottom, and so it looked like a pan to fry chestnuts. instead of a cape he made a buskin; for a farthingale he shaped a montero cap; and thinking to make a cloak, he'd cut out a pair of your big out-strouting swiss breeches, with panes like the outside of a tabor. insomuch that snip was condemned to make good the stuffs to all his customers; and to this day poor cabbage's hair grows through his hood and his arse through his pocket-holes. mark, an effect of heavenly wrath and vengeance! cried homenas. at cahusac, said gymnast, a match being made by the lords of estissac and viscount lausun to shoot at a mark, perotou had taken to pieces a set of decretals and set one of the leaves for the white to shoot at. now i sell, nay, i give and bequeath for ever and aye, the mould of my doublet to fifteen hundred hampers full of black devils, if ever any archer in the country (though they are singular marksmen in guienne) could hit the white. not the least bit of the holy scribble was contaminated or touched; nay, and sansornin the elder, who held stakes, swore to us, figues dioures, hard figs (his greatest oath), that he had openly, visibly, and manifestly seen the bolt of carquelin moving right to the round circle in the middle of the white; and that just on the point, when it was going to hit and enter, it had gone aside above seven foot and four inches wide of it towards the bakehouse. miracle! cried homenas, miracle! miracle! clerica, come wench, light, light here. here's to you all, gentlemen; i vow you seem to me very sound christians. while he said this, the maidens began to snicker at his elbow, grinning, giggling, and twittering among themselves. friar john began to paw, neigh, and whinny at the snout's end, as one ready to leap, or at least to play the ass, and get up and ride tantivy to the devil like a beggar on horseback. methinks, said pantagruel, a man might have been more out of danger near the white of which gymnast spoke than was formerly diogenes near another. how is that? asked homenas; what was it? was he one of our decretalists? rarely fallen in again, egad, said epistemon, returning from stool; i see he will hook his decretals in, though by the head and shoulders. diogenes, said pantagruel, one day for pastime went to see some archers that shot at butts, one of whom was so unskilful, that when it was his turn to shoot all the bystanders went aside, lest he should mistake them for the mark. diogenes had seen him shoot extremely wide of it; so when the other was taking aim a second time, and the people removed at a great distance to the right and left of the white, he placed himself close by the mark, holding that place to be the safest, and that so bad an archer would certainly rather hit any other. one of the lord d'estissac's pages at last found out the charm, pursued gymnast, and by his advice perotou put in another white made up of some papers of pouillac's lawsuit, and then everyone shot cleverly. at landerousse, said rhizotome, at john delif's wedding were very great doings, as 'twas then the custom of the country. after supper several farces, interludes, and comical scenes were acted; they had also several morris-dancers with bells and tabors, and divers sorts of masks and mummers were let in. my schoolfellows and i, to grace the festival to the best of our power (for fine white and purple liveries had been given to all of us in the morning), contrived a merry mask with store of cockle-shells, shells of snails, periwinkles, and such other. then for want of cuckoo-pint, or priest-pintle, lousebur, clote, and paper, we made ourselves false faces with the leaves of an old sextum that had been thrown by and lay there for anyone that would take it up, cutting out holes for the eyes, nose, and mouth. now, did you ever hear the like since you were born? when we had played our little boyish antic tricks, and came to take off our sham faces, we appeared more hideous and ugly than the little devils that acted the passion at douay; for our faces were utterly spoiled at the places which had been touched by those leaves. one had there the small-pox; another, god's token, or the plague-spot; a third, the crinckums; a fourth, the measles; a fifth, botches, pushes, and carbuncles; in short, he came off the least hurt who only lost his teeth by the bargain. miracle! bawled out homenas, miracle! hold, hold! cried rhizotome; it is not yet time to clap. my sister kate and my sister ren had put the crepines of their hoods, their ruffles, snuffekins, and neck-ruffs new washed, starched, and ironed, into that very book of decretals; for, you must know, it was covered with thick boards and had strong clasps. now, by the virtue of god--hold, interrupted homenas, what god do you mean? there is but one, answered rhizotome. in heaven, i grant, replied homenas; but we have another here on earth, do you see? ay, marry have we, said rhizotome; but on my soul i protest i had quite forgot it. well then, by the virtue of god the pope, their pinners, neck-ruffs, bib, coifs, and other linen turned as black as a charcoal-man's sack. miracle! cried homenas. here, clerica, light me here; and prithee, girl, observe these rare stories. how comes it to pass then, asked friar john, that people say, ever since decrees had tails, and gendarmes lugged heavy mails, since each monk would have a horse, all went here from bad to worse. i understand you, answered homenas; this is one of the quirks and little satires of the new-fangled heretics. chapter 4.liii. how by the virtue of the decretals, gold is subtilely drawn out of france to rome. i would, said epistemon, it had cost me a pint of the best tripe that ever can enter into gut, so we had but compared with the original the dreadful chapters, execrabilis, de multa, si plures; de annatis per totum; nisi essent; cum ad monasterium; quod delectio; mandatum; and certain others, that draw every year out of france to rome four hundred thousand ducats and more. do you make nothing of this? asked homenas. though, methinks, after all, it is but little, if we consider that france, the most christian, is the only nurse the see of rome has. however, find me in the whole world a book, whether of philosophy, physic, law, mathematics, or other humane learning, nay, even, by my god, of the holy scripture itself, will draw as much money thence? none, none, psha, tush, blurt, pish; none can. you may look till your eyes drop out of your head, nay, till doomsday in the afternoon, before you can find another of that energy; i'll pass my word for that. yet these devilish heretics refuse to learn and know it. burn 'em, tear 'em, nip 'em with hot pincers, drown 'em, hang 'em, spit 'em at the bunghole, pelt 'em, paut 'em, bruise 'em, beat 'em, cripple 'em, dismember 'em, cut 'em, gut 'em, bowel 'em, paunch 'em, thrash 'em, slash 'em, gash 'em, chop 'em, slice 'em, slit 'em, carve 'em, saw 'em, bethwack 'em, pare 'em, hack 'em, hew 'em, mince 'em, flay 'em, boil 'em, broil 'em, roast 'em, toast 'em, bake 'em, fry 'em, crucify 'em, crush 'em, squeeze 'em, grind 'em, batter 'em, burst 'em, quarter 'em, unlimb 'em, behump 'em, bethump 'em, belam 'em, belabour 'em, pepper 'em, spitchcock 'em, and carbonade 'em on gridirons, these wicked heretics! decretalifuges, decretalicides, worse than homicides, worse than patricides, decretalictones of the devil of hell. as for you other good people, i must earnestly pray and beseech you to believe no other thing, to think on, say, undertake, or do no other thing, than what's contained in our sacred decretals and their corollaries, this fine sextum, these fine clementinae, these fine extravagantes. o deific books! so shall you enjoy glory, honour, exaltation, wealth, dignities, and preferments in this world; be revered and dreaded by all, preferred, elected, and chosen above all men. for there is not under the cope of heaven a condition of men out of which you'll find persons fitter to do and handle all things than those who by divine prescience, eternal predestination, have applied themselves to the study of the holy decretals. would you choose a worthy emperor, a good captain, a fit general in time of war, one that can well foresee all inconveniences, avoid all dangers, briskly and bravely bring his men on to a breach or attack, still be on sure grounds, always overcome without loss of his men, and know how to make a good use of his victory? take me a decretist. no, no, i mean a decretalist. ho, the foul blunder, whispered epistemon. would you, in time of peace, find a man capable of wisely governing the state of a commonwealth, of a kingdom, of an empire, of a monarchy; sufficient to maintain the clergy, nobility, senate, and commons in wealth, friendship, unity, obedience, virtue, and honesty? take a decretalist. would you find a man who, by his exemplary life, eloquence, and pious admonitions, may in a short time, without effusion of human blood, conquer the holy land, and bring over to the holy church the misbelieving turks, jews, tartars, muscovites, mamelukes, and sarrabonites? take me a decretalist. what makes, in many countries, the people rebellious and depraved, pages saucy and mischievous, students sottish and duncical? nothing but that their governors and tutors were not decretalists. but what, on your conscience, was it, do you think, that established, confirmed, and authorized those fine religious orders with whom you see the christian world everywhere adorned, graced, and illustrated, as the firmament is with its glorious stars? the holy decretals. what was it that founded, underpropped, and fixed, and now maintains, nourishes, and feeds the devout monks and friars in convents, monasteries, and abbeys; so that did they not daily and mightily pray without ceasing, the world would be in evident danger of returning to its primitive chaos? the sacred decretals. what makes and daily increases the famous and celebrated patrimony of st. peter in plenty of all temporal, corporeal, and spiritual blessings? the holy decretals. what made the holy apostolic see and pope of rome, in all times, and at this present, so dreadful in the universe, that all kings, emperors, potentates, and lords, willing, nilling, must depend upon him, hold of him, be crowned, confirmed, and authorized by him, come thither to strike sail, buckle, and fall down before his holy slipper, whose picture you have seen? the mighty decretals of god. i will discover you a great secret. the universities of your world have commonly a book, either open or shut, in their arms and devices; what book do you think it is? truly, i do not know, answered pantagruel; i never read it. it is the decretals, said homenas, without which the privileges of all universities would soon be lost. you must own that i have taught you this; ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! here homenas began to belch, to fart, to funk, to laugh, to slaver, and to sweat; and then he gave his huge greasy four-cornered cap to one of the lasses, who clapped it on her pretty head with a great deal of joy, after she had lovingly bussed it, as a sure token that she should be first married. vivat, cried epistemon, fifat, bibat, pipat. o apocalyptic secret! continued homenas; light, light, clerica; light here with double lanterns. now for the fruit, virgins. i was saying, then, that giving yourselves thus wholly to the study of the holy decretals, you will gain wealth and honour in this world. i add, that in the next you will infallibly be saved in the blessed kingdom of heaven, whose keys are given to our good god and decretaliarch. o my good god, whom i adore and never saw, by thy special grace open unto us, at the point of death at least, this most sacred treasure of our holy mother church, whose protector, preserver, butler, chief-larder, administrator, and disposer thou art; and take care, i beseech thee, o lord, that the precious works of supererogation, the goodly pardons, do not fail us in time of need; so that the devils may not find an opportunity to gripe our precious souls, and the dreadful jaws of hell may not swallow us. if we must pass through purgatory thy will be done. it is in thy power to draw us out of it when thou pleasest. here homenas began to shed huge hot briny tears, to beat his breast, and kiss his thumbs in the shape of a cross. chapter 4.liv. how homenas gave pantagruel some bon-christian pears. epistemon, friar john, and panurge, seeing this doleful catastrophe, began, under the cover of their napkins, to cry meeow, meeow, meeow; feigning to wipe their eyes all the while as if they had wept. the wenches were doubly diligent, and brought brimmers of clementine wine to every one, besides store of sweetmeats; and thus the feasting was revived. before we arose from table, homenas gave us a great quantity of fair large pears, saying, here, my good friends, these are singular good pears. you will find none such anywhere else, i dare warrant. every soil bears not everything, you know. india alone boasts black ebony; the best incense is produced in sabaea; the sphragitid earth at lemnos; so this island is the only place where such fine pears grow. you may, if you please, make seminaries with their pippins in your country. i like their taste extremely, said pantagruel. if they were sliced, and put into a pan on the fire with wine and sugar, i fancy they would be very wholesome meat for the sick, as well as for the healthy. pray what do you call 'em? no otherwise than you have heard, replied homenas. we are a plain downright sort of people, as god would have it, and call figs, figs; plums, plums; and pears, pears. truly, said pantagruel, if i live to go home--which i hope will be speedily, god willing--i'll set off and graff some in my garden in touraine, by the banks of the loire, and will call them bon-christian or good-christian pears, for i never saw better christians than are these good papimans. i would like him two to one better yet, said friar john, would he but give us two or three cartloads of yon buxom lasses. why, what would you do with them? cried homenas. quoth friar john, no harm, only bleed the kind-hearted souls straight between the two great toes with certain clever lancets of the right stamp; by which operation good christian children would be inoculated upon them, and the breed be multiplied in our country, in which there are not many over-good, the more's the pity. nay, verily, replied homenas, we cannot do this; for you would make them tread their shoes awry, crack their pipkins, and spoil their shapes. you love mutton, i see; you will run at sheep. i know you by that same nose and hair of yours, though i never saw your face before. alas! alas! how kind you are! and would you indeed damn your precious soul? our decretals forbid this. ah, i wish you had them at your finger's-end. patience, said friar john; but, si tu non vis dare, praesta, quaesumus. matter of breviary. as for that, i defy all the world, and i fear no man that wears a head and a hood, though he were a crystalline, i mean a decretaline doctor. dinner being over, we took our leave of the right reverend homenas, and of all the good people, humbly giving thanks; and, to make them amends for their kind entertainment, promised them that, at our coming to rome, we would make our applications so effectually to the pope that he would speedily be sure to come to visit them in person. after this we went o'board. pantagruel, by an act of generosity, and as an acknowledgment of the sight of the pope's picture, gave homenas nine pieces of double friezed cloth of gold to be set before the grates of the window. he also caused the church box for its repairs and fabric to be quite filled with double crowns of gold; and ordered nine hundred and fourteen angels to be delivered to each of the lasses who had waited at table, to buy them husbands when they could get them. chapter 4.lv. how pantagruel, being at sea, heard various unfrozen words. when we were at sea, junketting, tippling, discoursing, and telling stories, pantagruel rose and stood up to look out; then asked us, do you hear nothing, gentlemen? methinks i hear some people talking in the air, yet i can see nobody. hark! according to his command we listened, and with full ears sucked in the air as some of you suck oysters, to find if we could hear some sound scattered through the sky; and to lose none of it, like the emperor antoninus some of us laid their hands hollow next to their ears; but all this would not do, nor could we hear any voice. yet pantagruel continued to assure us he heard various voices in the air, some of men, and some of women. at last we began to fancy that we also heard something, or at least that our ears tingled; and the more we listened, the plainer we discerned the voices, so as to distinguish articulate sounds. this mightily frightened us, and not without cause; since we could see nothing, yet heard such various sounds and voices of men, women, children, horses, &c., insomuch that panurge cried out, cods-belly, there is no fooling with the devil; we are all beshit, let's fly. there is some ambuscado hereabouts. friar john, art thou here my love? i pray thee, stay by me, old boy. hast thou got thy swindging tool? see that it do not stick in thy scabbard; thou never scourest it half as it should be. we are undone. hark! they are guns, gad judge me. let's fly, i do not say with hands and feet, as brutus said at the battle of pharsalia; i say, with sails and oars. let's whip it away. i never find myself to have a bit of courage at sea; in cellars and elsewhere i have more than enough. let's fly and save our bacon. i do not say this for any fear that i have; for i dread nothing but danger, that i don't; i always say it that shouldn't. the free archer of baignolet said as much. let us hazard nothing, therefore, i say, lest we come off bluely. tack about, helm a-lee, thou son of a bachelor. would i were now well in quinquenais, though i were never to marry. haste away, let's make all the sail we can. they'll be too hard for us; we are not able to cope with them; they are ten to our one, i'll warrant you. nay, and they are on their dunghill, while we do not know the country. they will be the death of us. we'll lose no honour by flying. demosthenes saith that the man that runs away may fight another day. at least let us retreat to the leeward. helm a-lee; bring the main-tack aboard, haul the bowlines, hoist the top-gallants. we are all dead men; get off, in the devil's name, get off. pantagruel, hearing the sad outcry which panurge made, said, who talks of flying? let's first see who they are; perhaps they may be friends. i can discover nobody yet, though i can see a hundred miles round me. but let's consider a little. i have read that a philosopher named petron was of opinion that there were several worlds that touched each other in an equilateral triangle; in whose centre, he said, was the dwelling of truth; and that the words, ideas, copies, and images of all things past and to come resided there; round which was the age; and that with success of time part of them used to fall on mankind like rheums and mildews, just as the dew fell on gideon's fleece, till the age was fulfilled. i also remember, continued he, that aristotle affirms homer's words to be flying, moving, and consequently animated. besides, antiphanes said that plato's philosophy was like words which, being spoken in some country during a hard winter, are immediately congealed, frozen up, and not heard; for what plato taught young lads could hardly be understood by them when they were grown old. now, continued he, we should philosophize and search whether this be not the place where those words are thawed. you would wonder very much should this be the head and lyre of orpheus. when the thracian women had torn him to pieces they threw his head and lyre into the river hebrus, down which they floated to the euxine sea as far as the island of lesbos; the head continually uttering a doleful song, as it were lamenting the death of orpheus, and the lyre, with the wind's impulse moving its strings and harmoniously accompanying the voice. let's see if we cannot discover them hereabouts. chapter 4.lvi. how among the frozen words pantagruel found some odd ones. the skipper made answer: be not afraid, my lord; we are on the confines of the frozen sea, on which, about the beginning of last winter, happened a great and bloody fight between the arimaspians and the nephelibates. then the words and cries of men and women, the hacking, slashing, and hewing of battle-axes, the shocking, knocking, and jolting of armours and harnesses, the neighing of horses, and all other martial din and noise, froze in the air; and now, the rigour of the winter being over, by the succeeding serenity and warmth of the weather they melt and are heard. by jingo, quoth panurge, the man talks somewhat like. i believe him. but couldn't we see some of 'em? i think i have read that, on the edge of the mountain on which moses received the judaic law, the people saw the voices sensibly. here, here, said pantagruel, here are some that are not yet thawed. he then threw us on the deck whole handfuls of frozen words, which seemed to us like your rough sugar-plums, of many colours, like those used in heraldry; some words gules (this means also jests and merry sayings), some vert, some azure, some black, some or (this means also fair words); and when we had somewhat warmed them between our hands, they melted like snow, and we really heard them, but could not understand them, for it was a barbarous gibberish. one of them only, that was pretty big, having been warmed between friar john's hands, gave a sound much like that of chestnuts when they are thrown into the fire without being first cut, which made us all start. this was the report of a field-piece in its time, cried friar john. panurge prayed pantagruel to give him some more; but pantagruel told him that to give words was the part of a lover. sell me some then, i pray you, cried panurge. that's the part of a lawyer, returned pantagruel. i would sooner sell you silence, though at a dearer rate; as demosthenes formerly sold it by the means of his argentangina, or silver squinsy. however, he threw three or four handfuls of them on the deck; among which i perceived some very sharp words, and some bloody words, which the pilot said used sometimes to go back and recoil to the place whence they came, but it was with a slit weasand. we also saw some terrible words, and some others not very pleasant to the eye. when they had been all melted together, we heard a strange noise, hin, hin, hin, hin, his, tick, tock, taack, bredelinbrededack, frr, frr, frr, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, bou, track, track, trr, trr, trr, trrr, trrrrrr, on, on, on, on, on, on, ououououon, gog, magog, and i do not know what other barbarous words, which the pilot said were the noise made by the charging squadrons, the shock and neighing of horses. then we heard some large ones go off like drums and fifes, and others like clarions and trumpets. believe me, we had very good sport with them. i would fain have saved some merry odd words, and have preserved them in oil, as ice and snow are kept, and between clean straw. but pantagruel would not let me, saying that 'tis a folly to hoard up what we are never like to want or have always at hand, odd, quaint, merry, and fat words of gules never being scarce among all good and jovial pantagruelists. panurge somewhat vexed friar john, and put him in the pouts; for he took him at his word while he dreamed of nothing less. this caused the friar to threaten him with such a piece of revenge as was put upon g. jousseaume, who having taken the merry patelin at his word when he had overbid himself in some cloth, was afterwards fairly taken by the horns like a bullock by his jovial chapman, whom he took at his word like a man. panurge, well knowing that threatened folks live long, bobbed and made mouths at him in token of derision, then cried, would i had here the word of the holy bottle, without being thus obliged to go further in pilgrimage to her. chapter 4.lvii. how pantagruel went ashore at the dwelling of gaster, the first master of arts in the world. that day pantagruel went ashore in an island which, for situation and governor, may be said not to have its fellow. when you just come into it, you find it rugged, craggy, and barren, unpleasant to the eye, painful to the feet, and almost as inaccessible as the mountain of dauphine, which is somewhat like a toadstool, and was never climbed as any can remember by any but doyac, who had the charge of king charles the eighth's train of artillery. this same doyac with strange tools and engines gained that mountain's top, and there he found an old ram. it puzzled many a wise head to guess how it got thither. some said that some eagle or great horncoot, having carried it thither while it was yet a lambkin, it had got away and saved itself among the bushes. as for us, having with much toil and sweat overcome the difficult ways at the entrance, we found the top of the mountain so fertile, healthful, and pleasant, that i thought i was then in the true garden of eden, or earthly paradise, about whose situation our good theologues are in such a quandary and keep such a pother. as for pantagruel, he said that here was the seat of arete--that is as much as to say, virtue--described by hesiod. this, however, with submission to better judgments. the ruler of this place was one master gaster, the first master of arts in this world. for, if you believe that fire is the great master of arts, as tully writes, you very much wrong him and yourself; alas! tully never believed this. on the other side, if you fancy mercury to be the first inventor of arts, as our ancient druids believed of old, you are mightily beside the mark. the satirist's sentence, that affirms master gaster to be the master of all arts, is true. with him peacefully resided old goody penia, alias poverty, the mother of the ninety-nine muses, on whom porus, the lord of plenty, formerly begot love, that noble child, the mediator of heaven and earth, as plato affirms in symposio. we were all obliged to pay our homage and swear allegiance to that mighty sovereign; for he is imperious, severe, blunt, hard, uneasy, inflexible; you cannot make him believe, represent to him, or persuade him anything. he does not hear; and as the egyptians said that harpocrates, the god of silence, named sigalion in greek, was astome, that is, without a mouth, so gaster was created without ears, even like the image of jupiter in candia. he only speaks by signs, but those signs are more readily obeyed by everyone than the statutes of senates or commands of monarchs. neither will he admit the least let or delay in his summons. you say that when a lion roars all the beasts at a considerable distance round about, as far as his roar can be heard, are seized with a shivering. this is written, it is true, i have seen it. i assure you that at master gaster's command the very heavens tremble, and all the earth shakes. his command is called, do this or die. needs must when the devil drives; there's no gainsaying of it. the pilot was telling us how, on a certain time, after the manner of the members that mutinied against the belly, as aesop describes it, the whole kingdom of the somates went off into a direct faction against gaster, resolving to throw off his yoke; but they soon found their mistake, and most humbly submitted, for otherwise they had all been famished. what company soever he is in, none dispute with him for precedence or superiority; he still goes first, though kings, emperors, or even the pope, were there. so he held the first place at the council of basle; though some will tell you that the council was tumultuous by the contention and ambition of many for priority. everyone is busied and labours to serve him, and indeed, to make amends for this, he does this good to mankind, as to invent for them all arts, machines, trades, engines, and crafts; he even instructs brutes in arts which are against their nature, making poets of ravens, jackdaws, chattering jays, parrots, and starlings, and poetesses of magpies, teaching them to utter human language, speak, and sing; and all for the gut. he reclaims and tames eagles, gerfalcons, falcons gentle, sakers, lanners, goshawks, sparrowhawks, merlins, haggards, passengers, wild rapacious birds; so that, setting them free in the air whenever he thinks fit, as high and as long as he pleases, he keeps them suspended, straying, flying, hovering, and courting him above the clouds. then on a sudden he makes them stoop, and come down amain from heaven next to the ground; and all for the gut. elephants, lions, rhinoceroses, bears, horses, mares, and dogs, he teaches to dance, prance, vault, fight, swim, hide themselves, fetch and carry what he pleases; and all for the gut. salt and fresh-water fish, whales, and the monsters of the main, he brings them up from the bottom of the deep; wolves he forces out of the woods, bears out of the rocks, foxes out of their holes, and serpents out of the ground, and all for the gut. in short, he is so unruly, that in his rage he devours all men and beasts; as was seen among the vascons, when q. metellus besieged them in the sertorian wars, among the saguntines besieged by hannibal; among the jews besieged by the romans, and six hundred more; and all for the gut. when his regent penia takes a progress, wherever she moves all senates are shut up, all statutes repealed, all orders and proclamations vain; she knows, obeys, and has no law. all shun her, in every place choosing rather to expose themselves to shipwreck at sea, and venture through fire, rocks, caves, and precipices, than be seized by that most dreadful tormentor. chapter 4.lviii. how, at the court of the master of ingenuity, pantagruel detested the engastrimythes and the gastrolaters. at the court of that great master of ingenuity, pantagruel observed two sorts of troublesome and too officious apparitors, whom he very much detested. the first were called engastrimythes; the others, gastrolaters. the first pretended to be descended of the ancient race of eurycles, and for this brought the authority of aristophanes in his comedy called the wasps; whence of old they were called euryclians, as plato writes, and plutarch in his book of the cessation of oracles. in the holy decrees, 26, qu. 3, they are styled ventriloqui; and the same name is given them in ionian by hippocrates, in his fifth book of epid., as men who speak from the belly. sophocles calls them sternomantes. these were soothsayers, enchanters, cheats, who gulled the mob, and seemed not to speak and give answers from the mouth, but from the belly. such a one, about the year of our lord 1513, was jacoba rodogina, an italian woman of mean extract; from whose belly we, as well as an infinite number of others at ferrara and elsewhere, have often heard the voice of the evil spirit speak, low, feeble, and small, indeed, but yet very distinct, articulate, and intelligible, when she was sent for out of curiosity by the lords and princes of the cisalpine gaul. to remove all manner of doubt, and be assured that this was not a trick, they used to have her stripped stark naked, and caused her mouth and nose to be stopped. this evil spirit would be called curled-pate, or cincinnatulo, seeming pleased when any called him by that name, at which he was always ready to answer. if any spoke to him of things past or present, he gave pertinent answers, sometimes to the amazement of the hearers; but if of things to come, then the devil was gravelled, and used to lie as fast as a dog can trot. nay, sometimes he seemed to own his ignorance, instead of an answer letting out a rousing fart, or muttering some words with barbarous and uncouth inflexions, and not to be understood. as for the gastrolaters, they stuck close to one another in knots and gangs. some of them merry, wanton, and soft as so many milk-sops; others louring, grim, dogged, demure, and crabbed; all idle, mortal foes to business, spending half their time in sleeping and the rest in doing nothing, a rent-charge and dead unnecessary weight on the earth, as hesiod saith; afraid, as we judged, of offending or lessening their paunch. others were masked, disguised, and so oddly dressed that it would have done you good to have seen them. there's a saying, and several ancient sages write, that the skill of nature appears wonderful in the pleasure which she seems to have taken in the configuration of sea-shells, so great is their variety in figures, colours, streaks, and inimitable shapes. i protest the variety we perceived in the dresses of the gastrolatrous coquillons was not less. they all owned gaster for their supreme god, adored him as a god, offered him sacrifices as to their omnipotent deity, owned no other god, served, loved, and honoured him above all things. you would have thought that the holy apostle spoke of those when he said (phil. chap. 3), many walk, of whom i have told you often, and now tell you even weeping, that they are enemies of the cross of christ: whose end is destruction, whose god is their belly. pantagruel compared them to the cyclops polyphemus, whom euripides brings in speaking thus: i only sacrifice to myself--not to the gods--and to this belly of mine, the greatest of all the gods. chapter 4.lix. of the ridiculous statue manduce; and how and what the gastrolaters sacrifice to their ventripotent god. while we fed our eyes with the sight of the phizzes and actions of these lounging gulligutted gastrolaters, we on a sudden heard the sound of a musical instrument called a bell; at which all of them placed themselves in rank and file as for some mighty battle, everyone according to his office, degree, and seniority. in this order they moved towards master gaster, after a plump, young, lusty, gorbellied fellow, who on a long staff fairly gilt carried a wooden statue, grossly carved, and as scurvily daubed over with paint; such a one as plautus, juvenal, and pomp. festus describe it. at lyons during the carnival it is called maschecroute or gnawcrust; they call'd this manduce. it was a monstrous, ridiculous, hideous figure, fit to fright little children; its eyes were bigger than its belly, and its head larger than all the rest of its body; well mouth-cloven however, having a goodly pair of wide, broad jaws, lined with two rows of teeth, upper tier and under tier, which, by the magic of a small twine hid in the hollow part of the golden staff, were made to clash, clatter, and rattle dreadfully one against another; as they do at metz with st. clement's dragon. coming near the gastrolaters i saw they were followed by a great number of fat waiters and tenders, laden with baskets, dossers, hampers, dishes, wallets, pots, and kettles. then, under the conduct of manduce, and singing i do not know what dithyrambics, crepalocomes, and epenons, opening their baskets and pots, they offered their god: white hippocras, fricassees, nine cold loins of veal, with dry toasts. sorts. with spice. white bread. monastical brewis. zinziberine. brown bread. gravy soup. beatille pies. carbonadoes, six hotch-pots. brewis. sorts. soft bread. marrow-bones, toast, brawn. household bread. and cabbage. sweetbreads. capirotadoes. hashes. eternal drink intermixed. brisk delicate white wine led the van; claret and champagne followed, cool, nay, as cold as the very ice, i say, filled and offered in large silver cups. then they offered: chitterlings, gar chines and peas. hams. nished with mus hog's haslets. brawn heads. tard. scotch collops. powdered venison, sausages. puddings. with turnips. neats' tongues. cervelats. pickled olives. hung beef. bologna sausages. all this associated with sempiternal liquor. then they housed within his muzzle: legs of mutton, with ribs of pork, with caponets. shallots. onion sauce. caviare and toast. olias. roast capons, basted fawns, deer. lumber pies, with with their own hares, leverets. hot sauce. dripping. plovers. partridges and young flamingoes. herons, and young partridges. cygnets. herons. dwarf-herons. a reinforcement of olives. teals. vinegar intermixed. thrushes. duckers. venison pasties. young sea-ravens. bitterns. lark pies. geese, goslings. shovellers. dormice pies. queests. curlews. cabretto pasties. widgeons. wood-hens. roebuck pasties. mavises. coots, with leeks. pigeon pies. grouses. fat kids. kid pasties. turtles. shoulders of mutton, capon pies. doe-coneys. with capers. bacon pies. hedgehogs. sirloins of beef. soused hog's feet. snites. breasts of veal. fried pasty-crust. then large puffs. pheasants and phea forced capons. thistle-finches. sant poots. parmesan cheese. whore's farts. peacocks. red and pale hip fritters. storks. pocras. cakes, sixteen sorts. woodcocks. gold-peaches. crisp wafers. snipes. artichokes. quince tarts. ortolans. dry and wet sweet curds and cream. turkey cocks, hen meats, seventy whipped cream. turkeys, and turkey eight sorts. preserved mirabo poots. boiled hens, and fat lans. stock-doves, and capons marinated. jellies. wood-culvers. pullets, with eggs. welsh barrapyclids. pigs, with wine sauce. chickens. macaroons. blackbirds, ousels, and rabbits, and sucking tarts, twenty sorts. rails. rabbits. lemon cream, raspmoorhens. quails, and young berry cream, &c. bustards, and bustard quails. comfits, one hundred poots. pigeons, squabs, and colours. fig-peckers. squeakers. cream wafers. young guinea hens. fieldfares. cream cheese. vinegar brought up the rear to wash the mouth, and for fear of the squinsy; also toasts to scour the grinders. chapter 4.lx. what the gastrolaters sacrificed to their god on interlarded fish-days. pantagruel did not like this pack of rascally scoundrels with their manifold kitchen sacrifices, and would have been gone had not epistemon prevailed with him to stay and see the end of the farce. he then asked the skipper what the idle lobcocks used to sacrifice to their gorbellied god on interlarded fish-days. for his first course, said the skipper, they gave him: caviare. tops, bishop's-cods, red herrings. botargoes. celery, chives, ram pilchards. fresh butter. pions, jew's-ears (a anchovies. pease soup. sort of mushrooms fry of tunny. spinach. that sprout out of cauliflowers. fresh herrings, full old elders), spara beans. roed. gus, wood-bind, salt salmon. salads, a hundred and a world of pickled grigs. varieties, of cres others. oysters in the shell. ses, sodden hopthen he must drink, or the devil would gripe him at the throat; this, therefore, they take care to prevent, and nothing is wanting. which being done, they give him lampreys with hippocras sauce: gurnards. thornbacks. fried oysters. salmon trouts. sleeves. cockles. barbels, great and sturgeons. prawns. small. sheath-fish. smelts. roaches. mackerels. rock-fish. cockerels. maids. gracious lords. minnows. plaice. sword-fish. skate-fish. sharplings. soles. lamprels. tunnies. mussels. jegs. silver eels. lobsters. pickerels. chevins. great prawns. golden carps. crayfish. dace. burbates. pallours. bleaks. salmons. shrimps. tenches. salmon-peels. congers. ombres. dolphins. porpoises. fresh cods. barn trouts. bases. dried melwels. miller's-thumbs. shads. darefish. precks. murenes, a sort of fausens, and grigs. bret-fish. lampreys. eel-pouts. flounders. graylings. tortoises. sea-nettles. smys. serpents, i.e. woodmullets. turbots. eels. gudgeons. trout, not above a dories. dabs and sandings. foot long. moor-game. haddocks. salmons. perches. carps. meagers. loaches. pikes. sea-breams. crab-fish. bottitoes. halibuts. snails and whelks. rochets. dog's tongue, or kind frogs. sea-bears. fool. if, when he had crammed all this down his guttural trapdoor, he did not immediately make the fish swim again in his paunch, death would pack him off in a trice. special care is taken to antidote his godship with vine-tree syrup. then is sacrificed to him haberdines, poor-jack, minglemangled, mismashed, &c. eggs fried, beaten, sliced, roasted in green-fish. buttered, poached, the embers, tossed sea-batts. hardened, boiled, in the chimney, &c. cod's sounds. broiled, stewed, stock-fish. sea-pikes. which to concoct and digest the more easily, vinegar is multiplied. for the latter part of their sacrifices they offer: rice milk, and hasty stewed prunes, and raisins. pudding. baked bullace. dates. buttered wheat, and pistachios, or fistic chestnut and wal flummery. nuts. nuts. water-gruel, and figs. filberts. milk-porridge. almond butter. parsnips. frumenty and bonny skirret root. artichokes. clamber. white-pot. perpetuity of soaking with the whole. it was none of their fault, i will assure you, if this same god of theirs was not publicly, preciously, and plentifully served in the sacrifices, better yet than heliogabalus's idol; nay, more than bel and the dragon in babylon, under king belshazzar. yet gaster had the manners to own that he was no god, but a poor, vile, wretched creature. and as king antigonus, first of the name, when one hermodotus (as poets will flatter, especially princes) in some of his fustian dubbed him a god, and made the sun adopt him for his son, said to him: my lasanophore (or, in plain english, my groom of the close-stool) can give thee the lie; so master gaster very civilly used to send back his bigoted worshippers to his close-stool, to see, smell, taste, philosophize, and examine what kind of divinity they could pick out of his sir-reverence. chapter 4.lxi. how gaster invented means to get and preserve corn. those gastrolatrous hobgoblins being withdrawn, pantagruel carefully minded the famous master of arts, gaster. you know that, by the institution of nature, bread has been assigned him for provision and food; and that, as an addition to this blessing, he should never want the means to get bread. accordingly, from the beginning he invented the smith's art, and husbandry to manure the ground, that it might yield him corn; he invented arms and the art of war to defend corn; physic and astronomy, with other parts of mathematics which might be useful to keep corn a great number of years in safety from the injuries of the air, beasts, robbers, and purloiners; he invented water, wind, and handmills, and a thousand other engines to grind corn and to turn it into meal; leaven to make the dough ferment, and the use of salt to give it a savour; for he knew that nothing bred more diseases than heavy, unleavened, unsavoury bread. he found a way to get fire to bake it; hour-glasses, dials, and clocks to mark the time of its baking; and as some countries wanted corn, he contrived means to convey some out of one country into another. he had the wit to pimp for asses and mares, animals of different species, that they might copulate for the generation of a third, which we call mules, more strong and fit for hard service than the other two. he invented carts and waggons to draw him along with greater ease; and as seas and rivers hindered his progress, he devised boats, galleys, and ships (to the astonishment of the elements) to waft him over to barbarous, unknown, and far distant nations, thence to bring, or thither to carry corn. besides, seeing that when he had tilled the ground, some years the corn perished in it for want of rain in due season, in others rotted or was drowned by its excess, sometimes spoiled by hail, eat by worms in the ear, or beaten down by storms, and so his stock was destroyed on the ground; we were told that ever since the days of yore he has found out a way to conjure the rain down from heaven only with cutting certain grass, common enough in the field, yet known to very few, some of which was then shown us. i took it to be the same as the plant, one of whose boughs being dipped by jove's priest in the agrian fountain on the lycian mountain in arcadia, in time of drought raised vapours which gathered into clouds, and then dissolved into rain that kindly moistened the whole country. our master of arts was also said to have found a way to keep the rain up in the air, and make it to fall into the sea; also to annihilate the hail, suppress the winds, and remove storms as the methanensians of troezene used to do. and as in the fields thieves and plunderers sometimes stole and took by force the corn and bread which others had toiled to get, he invented the art of building towns, forts, and castles, to hoard and secure that staff of life. on the other hand, finding none in the fields, and hearing that it was hoarded up and secured in towns, forts, and castles, and watched with more care than ever were the golden pippins of the hesperides, he turned engineer, and found ways to beat, storm, and demolish forts and castles with machines and warlike thunderbolts, battering-rams, ballists, and catapults, whose shapes were shown to us, not over-well understood by our engineers, architects, and other disciples of vitruvius; as master philibert de l'orme, king megistus's principal architect, has owned to us. and seeing that sometimes all these tools of destruction were baffled by the cunning subtlety or the subtle cunning (which you please) of fortifiers, he lately invented cannons, field-pieces, culverins, bombards, basiliskos, murdering instruments that dart iron, leaden, and brazen balls, some of them outweighing huge anvils. this by the means of a most dreadful powder, whose hellish compound and effect has even amazed nature, and made her own herself outdone by art, the oxydracian thunders, hails, and storms by which the people of that name immediately destroyed their enemies in the field being but mere potguns to these. for one of our great guns when used is more dreadful, more terrible, more diabolical, and maims, tears, breaks, slays, mows down, and sweeps away more men, and causes a greater consternation and destruction than a hundred thunderbolts. chapter 4.lxii. how gaster invented an art to avoid being hurt or touched by cannon-balls. gaster having secured himself with his corn within strongholds, has sometimes been attacked by enemies; his fortresses, by that thrice threefold cursed instrument, levelled and destroyed; his dearly beloved corn and bread snatched out of his mouth and sacked by a titanic force; therefore he then sought means to preserve his walls, bastions, rampiers, and sconces from cannon-shot, and to hinder the bullets from hitting him, stopping them in their flight, or at least from doing him or the besieged walls any damage. he showed us a trial of this which has been since used by fronton, and is now common among the pastimes and harmless recreations of the thelemites. i will tell you how he went to work, and pray for the future be a little more ready to believe what plutarch affirms to have tried. suppose a herd of goats were all scampering as if the devil drove them, do but put a bit of eringo into the mouth of the hindmost nanny, and they will all stop stock still in the time you can tell three. thus gaster, having caused a brass falcon to be charged with a sufficient quantity of gunpowder well purged from its sulphur, and curiously made up with fine camphor, he then had a suitable ball put into the piece, with twenty-four little pellets like hail-shot, some round, some pearl fashion; then taking his aim and levelling it at a page of his, as if he would have hit him on the breast. about sixty strides off the piece, halfway between it and the page in a right line, he hanged on a gibbet by a rope a very large siderite or iron-like stone, otherwise called herculean, formerly found on ida in phrygia by one magnes, as nicander writes, and commonly called loadstone; then he gave fire to the prime on the piece's touch-hole, which in an instant consuming the powder, the ball and hail-shot were with incredible violence and swiftness hurried out of the gun at its muzzle, that the air might penetrate to its chamber, where otherwise would have been a vacuum, which nature abhors so much, that this universal machine, heaven, air, land, and sea, would sooner return to the primitive chaos than admit the least void anywhere. now the ball and small shot, which threatened the page with no less than quick destruction, lost their impetuosity and remained suspended and hovering round the stone; nor did any of them, notwithstanding the fury with which they rushed, reach the page. master gaster could do more than all this yet, if you will believe me; for he invented a way how to cause bullets to fly backwards, and recoil on those that sent them with as great a force, and in the very numerical parallel for which the guns were planted. and indeed, why should he have thought this difficult? seeing the herb ethiopis opens all locks whatsoever, and an echinus or remora, a silly weakly fish, in spite of all the winds that blow from the thirty-two points of the compass, will in the midst of a hurricane make you the biggest first-rate remain stock still, as if she were becalmed or the blustering tribe had blown their last. nay, and with the flesh of that fish, preserved with salt, you may fish gold out of the deepest well that was ever sounded with a plummet; for it will certainly draw up the precious metal, since democritus affirmed it. theophrastus believed and experienced that there was an herb at whose single touch an iron wedge, though never so far driven into a huge log of the hardest wood that is, would presently come out; and it is this same herb your hickways, alias woodpeckers, use, when with some mighty axe anyone stops up the hole of their nests, which they industriously dig and make in the trunk of some sturdy tree. since stags and hinds, when deeply wounded with darts, arrows, and bolts, if they do but meet the herb called dittany, which is common in candia, and eat a little of it, presently the shafts come out and all is well again; even as kind venus cured her beloved byblow aeneas when he was wounded on the right thigh with an arrow by juturna, turnus's sister. since the very wind of laurels, fig-trees, or sea-calves makes the thunder sheer off insomuch that it never strikes them. since at the sight of a ram, mad elephants recover their former senses. since mad bulls coming near wild fig-trees, called caprifici, grow tame, and will not budge a foot, as if they had the cramp. since the venomous rage of vipers is assuaged if you but touch them with a beechen bough. since also euphorion writes that in the isle of samos, before juno's temple was built there, he has seen some beasts called neades, whose voice made the neighbouring places gape and sink into a chasm and abyss. in short, since elders grow of a more pleasing sound, and fitter to make flutes, in such places where the crowing of cocks is not heard, as the ancient sages have writ and theophrastus relates; as if the crowing of a cock dulled, flattened, and perverted the wood of the elder, as it is said to astonish and stupify with fear that strong and resolute animal, a lion. i know that some have understood this of wild elder, that grows so far from towns or villages that the crowing of cocks cannot reach near it; and doubtless that sort ought to be preferred to the stenching common elder that grows about decayed and ruined places; but others have understood this in a higher sense, not literal, but allegorical, according to the method of the pythagoreans, as when it was said that mercury's statue could not be made of every sort of wood; to which sentence they gave this sense, that god is not to be worshipped in a vulgar form, but in a chosen and religious manner. in the same manner, by this elder which grows far from places where cocks are heard, the ancients meant that the wise and studious ought not to give their minds to trivial or vulgar music, but to that which is celestial, divine, angelical, more abstracted, and brought from remoter parts, that is, from a region where the crowing of cocks is not heard; for, to denote a solitary and unfrequented place, we say cocks are never heard to crow there. chapter 4.lxiii. how pantagruel fell asleep near the island of chaneph, and of the problems proposed to be solved when he waked. the next day, merrily pursuing our voyage, we came in sight of the island of chaneph, where pantagruel's ship could not arrive, the wind chopping about, and then failing us so that we were becalmed, and could hardly get ahead, tacking about from starboard to larboard, and larboard to starboard, though to our sails we added drabblers. with this accident we were all out of sorts, moping, drooping, metagrabolized, as dull as dun in the mire, in c sol fa ut flat, out of tune, off the hinges, and i-don't-know-howish, without caring to speak one single syllable to each other. pantagruel was taking a nap, slumbering and nodding on the quarter-deck by the cuddy, with an heliodorus in his hand; for still it was his custom to sleep better by book than by heart. epistemon was conjuring, with his astrolabe, to know what latitude we were in. friar john was got into the cook-room, examining, by the ascendant of the spits and the horoscope of ragouts and fricassees, what time of day it might then be. panurge (sweet baby!) held a stalk of pantagruelions, alias hemp, next his tongue, and with it made pretty bubbles and bladders. gymnast was making tooth-pickers with lentisk. ponocrates, dozing, dozed, and dreaming, dreamed; tickled himself to make himself laugh, and with one finger scratched his noddle where it did not itch. carpalin, with a nutshell and a trencher of verne (that's a card in gascony), was making a pretty little merry windmill, cutting the card longways into four slips, and fastening them with a pin to the convex of the nut, and its concave to the tarred side of the gunnel of the ship. eusthenes, bestriding one of the guns, was playing on it with his fingers as if it had been a trump-marine. rhizotome, with the soft coat of a field tortoise, alias ycleped a mole, was making himself a velvet purse. xenomanes was patching up an old weather-beaten lantern with a hawk's jesses. our pilot (good man!) was pulling maggots out of the seamen's noses. at last friar john, returning from the forecastle, perceived that pantagruel was awake. then breaking this obstinate silence, he briskly and cheerfully asked him how a man should kill time, and raise good weather, during a calm at sea. panurge, whose belly thought his throat cut, backed the motion presently, and asked for a pill to purge melancholy. epistemon also came on, and asked how a man might be ready to bepiss himself with laughing when he has no heart to be merry. gymnast, arising, demanded a remedy for a dimness of eyes. ponocrates, after he had a while rubbed his noddle and shaken his ears, asked how one might avoid dog-sleep. hold! cried pantagruel, the peripatetics have wisely made a rule that all problems, questions, and doubts which are offered to be solved ought to be certain, clear, and intelligible. what do you mean by dog-sleep? i mean, answered ponocrates, to sleep fasting in the sun at noonday, as the dogs do. rhizotome, who lay stooping on the pump, raised his drowsy head, and lazily yawning, by natural sympathy set almost everyone in the ship a-yawning too; then he asked for a remedy against oscitations and gapings. xenomanes, half puzzled, and tired out with new-vamping his antiquated lantern, asked how the hold of the stomach might be so well ballasted and freighted from the keel to the main hatch, with stores well stowed, that our human vessels might not heel or be walt, but well trimmed and stiff. carpalin, twirling his diminutive windmill, asked how many motions are to be felt in nature before a gentleman may be said to be hungry. eusthenes, hearing them talk, came from between decks, and from the capstan called out to know why a man that is fasting, bit by a serpent also fasting, is in greater danger of death than when man and serpent have eat their breakfasts;--why a man's fasting-spittle is poisonous to serpents and venomous creatures. one single solution may serve for all your problems, gentlemen, answered pantagruel; and one single medicine for all such symptoms and accidents. my answer shall be short, not to tire you with a long needless train of pedantic cant. the belly has no ears, nor is it to be filled with fair words; you shall be answered to content by signs and gestures. as formerly at rome, tarquin the proud, its last king, sent an answer by signs to his son sextus, who was among the gabii at gabii. (saying this, he pulled the string of a little bell, and friar john hurried away to the cook-room.) the son having sent his father a messenger to know how he might bring the gabii under a close subjection, the king, mistrusting the messenger, made him no answer, and only took him into his privy garden, and in his presence with his sword lopped off the heads of the tall poppies that were there. the express returned without any other despatch, yet having related to the prince what he had seen his father do, he easily understood that by those signs he advised him to cut off the heads of the chief men in the town, the better to keep under the rest of the people. chapter 4.lxiv. how pantagruel gave no answer to the problems. pantagruel then asked what sort of people dwelt in that damned island. they are, answered xenomanes, all hypocrites, holy mountebanks, tumblers of beads, mumblers of ave-marias, spiritual comedians, sham saints, hermits, all of them poor rogues who, like the hermit of lormont between blaye and bordeaux, live wholly on alms given them by passengers. catch me there if you can, cried panurge; may the devil's head-cook conjure my bumgut into a pair of bellows if ever you find me among them! hermits, sham saints, living forms of mortification, holy mountebanks, avaunt! in the name of your father satan, get out of my sight! when the devil's a hog, you shall eat bacon. i shall not forget yet awhile our fat concilipetes of chesil. o that beelzebub and astaroth had counselled them to hang themselves out of the way, and they had done't! we had not then suffered so much by devilish storms as we did for having seen 'em. hark ye me, dear rogue, xenomanes, my friend, i prithee are these hermits, hypocrites, and eavesdroppers maids or married? is there anything of the feminine gender among them? could a body hypocritically take there a small hypocritical touch? will they lie backwards, and let out their fore-rooms? there's a fine question to be asked, cried pantagruel. yes, yes, answered xenomanes; you may find there many goodly hypocritesses, jolly spiritual actresses, kind hermitesses, women that have a plaguy deal of religion; then there's the copies of 'em, little hypocritillons, sham sanctitos, and hermitillons. foh! away with them, cried friar john; a young saint, an old devil! (mark this, an old saying, and as true a one as, a young whore, an old saint.) were there not such, continued xenomanes, the isle of chaneph, for want of a multiplication of progeny, had long ere this been desert and desolate. pantagruel sent them by gymnast in the pinnace seventy-eight thousand fine pretty little gold half-crowns, of those that are marked with a lantern. after this he asked, what's o'clock? past nine, answered epistemon. it is then the best time to go to dinner, said pantagruel; for the sacred line so celebrated by aristophanes in his play called concionatrices is at hand, never failing when the shadow is decempedal. formerly, among the persians, dinner-time was at a set hour only for kings; as for all others, their appetite and their belly was their clock; when that chimed, they thought it time to go to dinner. so we find in plautus a certain parasite making a heavy do, and sadly railing at the inventors of hour-glasses and dials as being unnecessary things, there being no clock more regular than the belly. diogenes being asked at what times a man ought to eat, answered, the rich when he is hungry, the poor when he has anything to eat. physicians more properly say that the canonical hours are, to rise at five, to dine at nine, to sup at five, to sleep at nine. the famous king petosiris's magic was different,--here the officers for the gut came in, and got ready the tables and cupboards; laid the cloth, whose sight and pleasant smell were very comfortable; and brought plates, napkins, salts, tankards, flagons, tall-boys, ewers, tumblers, cups, goblets, basins, and cisterns. friar john, at the head of the stewards, sewers, yeomen of the pantry, and of the mouth, tasters, carvers, cupbearers, and cupboard-keepers, brought four stately pasties, so huge that they put me in mind of the four bastions at turin. ods-fish, how manfully did they storm them! what havoc did they make with the long train of dishes that came after them! how bravely did they stand to their pan-puddings, and paid off their dust! how merrily did they soak their noses! the fruit was not yet brought in, when a fresh gale at west and by north began to fill the main-course, mizen-sail, fore-sail, tops, and top-gallants; for which blessing they all sung divers hymns of thanks and praise. when the fruit was on the table, pantagruel asked, now tell me, gentlemen, are your doubts fully resolved or no? i gape and yawn no more, answered rhizotome. i sleep no longer like a dog, said ponocrates. i have cleared my eyesight, said gymnast. i have broke my fast, said eusthenes; so that for this whole day i shall be secure from the danger of my spittle. asps. black wag leg-flies. domeses. amphisbenes. spanish flies. dryinades. anerudutes. catoblepes. dragons. abedissimons. horned snakes. elopes. alhartrafz. caterpillars. enhydrides. ammobates. crocodiles. falvises. apimaos. toads. galeotes. alhatrabans. nightmares. harmenes. aractes. mad dogs. handons. asterions. colotes. icles. alcharates. cychriodes. jarraries. arges. cafezates. ilicines. spiders. cauhares. pharaoh's mice. starry lizards. snakes. kesudures. attelabes. cuhersks, two sea-hares. ascalabotes. tongued adders. chalcidic newts. haemorrhoids. amphibious ser footed serpents. basilisks. pents. manticores. fitches. cenchres. molures. sucking water cockatrices. mouse-serpents. snakes. dipsades. shrew-mice. miliares. salamanders. stinkfish. megalaunes. slowworms. stuphes. spitting-asps. stellions. sabrins. porphyri. scorpenes. blood-sucking flies. pareades. scorpions. hornfretters. phalanges. hornworms. scolopendres. penphredons. scalavotins. tarantulas. pinetree-worms. solofuidars. blind worms. ruteles. deaf-asps. tetragnathias. worms. horseleeches. teristales. rhagions. salt-haters. vipers, &c. rhaganes. rot-serpents. chapter 4.lxv. how pantagruel passed the time with his servants. in what hierarchy of such venomous creatures do you place panurge's future spouse? asked friar john. art thou speaking ill of women, cried panurge, thou mangy scoundrel, thou sorry, noddy-peaked shaveling monk? by the cenomanic paunch and gixy, said epistemon, euripides has written, and makes andromache say it, that by industry, and the help of the gods, men had found remedies against all poisonous creatures; but none was yet found against a bad wife. this flaunting euripides, cried panurge, was gabbling against women every foot, and therefore was devoured by dogs, as a judgment from above; as aristophanes observes. let's go on. let him speak that is next. i can leak now like any stone-horse, said then epistemon. i am, said xenomanes, full as an egg and round as a hoop; my ship's hold can hold no more, and will now make shift to bear a steady sail. said carpalin, a truce with thirst, a truce with hunger; they are strong, but wine and meat are stronger. i'm no more in the dumps cried panurge; my heart's a pound lighter. i'm in the right cue now, as brisk as a body-louse, and as merry as a beggar. for my part, i know what i do when i drink; and it is a true thing (though 'tis in your euripides) that is said by that jolly toper silenus of blessed memory, that- the man's emphatically mad, who drinks the best, yet can be sad. we must not fail to return our humble and hearty thanks to the being who, with this good bread, this cool delicious wine, these good meats and rare dainties, removes from our bodies and minds these pains and perturbations, and at the same time fills us with pleasure and with food. but methinks, sir, you did not give an answer to friar john's question; which, as i take it, was how to raise good weather. since you ask no more than this easy question, answered pantagruel, i'll strive to give you satisfaction; and some other time we'll talk of the rest of the problems, if you will. well then, friar john asked how good weather might be raised. have we not raised it? look up and see our full topsails. hark how the wind whistles through the shrouds, what a stiff gale it blows. observe the rattling of the tacklings, and see the sheets that fasten the mainsail behind; the force of the wind puts them upon the stretch. while we passed our time merrily, the dull weather also passed away; and while we raised the glasses to our mouths, we also raised the wind by a secret sympathy in nature. thus atlas and hercules clubbed to raise and underprop the falling sky, if you'll believe the wise mythologists, but they raised it some half an inch too high, atlas to entertain his guest hercules more pleasantly, and hercules to make himself amends for the thirst which some time before had tormented him in the deserts of africa. your good father, said friar john, interrupting him, takes care to free many people from such an inconveniency; for i have been told by many venerable doctors that his chief-butler, turelupin, saves above eighteen hundred pipes of wine yearly to make servants, and all comers and goers, drink before they are a-dry. as the camels and dromedaries of a caravan, continued pantagruel, use to drink for the thirst that's past, for the present, and for that to come, so did hercules; and being thus excessively raised, this gave new motion to the sky, which is that of titubation and trepidation, about which our crackbrained astrologers make such a pother. this, said panurge, makes the saying good: while jolly companions carouse it together, a fig for the storm, it gives way to good weather. nay, continued pantagruel, some will tell you that we have not only shortened the time of the calm, but also much disburthened the ship; not like aesop's basket, by easing it of the provision, but by breaking our fasts; and that a man is more terrestrial and heavy when fasting than when he has eaten and drank, even as they pretend that he weighs more dead than living. however it is, you will grant they are in the right who take their morning's draught and breakfast before a long journey; then say that the horses will perform the better, and that a spur in the head is worth two in the flank; or, in the same horse dialect- that a cup in the pate is a mile in the gate. don't you know that formerly the amycleans worshipped the noble bacchus above all other gods, and gave him the name of psila, which in the doric dialect signifies wings; for, as the birds raise themselves by a towering flight with their wings above the clouds, so, with the help of soaring bacchus, the powerful juice of the grape, our spirits are exalted to a pitch above themselves, our bodies are more sprightly, and their earthly parts become soft and pliant. chapter 4.lxvi. how, by pantagruel's order, the muses were saluted near the isle of ganabim. this fair wind and as fine talk brought us in sight of a high land, which pantagruel discovering afar off, showed it xenomanes, and asked him, do you see yonder to the leeward a high rock with two tops, much like mount parnassus in phocis? i do plainly, answered xenomanes; 'tis the isle of ganabim. have you a mind to go ashore there? no, returned pantagruel. you do well, indeed, said xenomanes; for there is nothing worth seeing in the place. the people are all thieves; yet there is the finest fountain in the world, and a very large forest towards the right top of the mountain. your fleet may take in wood and water there. he that spoke last, spoke well, quoth panurge; let us not by any means be so mad as to go among a parcel of thieves and sharpers. you may take my word for't, this place is just such another as, to my knowledge, formerly were the islands of sark and herm, between the smaller and the greater britain; such as was the poneropolis of philip in thrace; islands of thieves, banditti, picaroons, robbers, ruffians, and murderers, worse than raw-head and bloody-bones, and full as honest as the senior fellows of the college of iniquity, the very outcasts of the county gaol's common-side. as you love yourself, do not go among 'em. if you go you'll come off but bluely, if you come off at all. if you will not believe me, at least believe what the good and wise xenomanes tells you; for may i never stir if they are not worse than the very cannibals; they would certainly eat us alive. do not go among 'em, i pray you; it were safer to take a journey to hell. hark! by cod's body, i hear 'em ringing the alarm-bell most dreadfully, as the gascons about bordeaux used formerly to do against the commissaries and officers for the tax on salt, or my ears tingle. let's sheer off. believe me, sir, said friar john, let's rather land; we will rid the world of that vermin, and inn there for nothing. old nick go with thee for me, quoth panurge. this rash hairbrained devil of a friar fears nothing, but ventures and runs on like a mad devil as he is, and cares not a rush what becomes of others; as if everyone was a monk, like his friarship. a pox on grinning honour, say i. go to, returned the friar, thou mangy noddy-peak! thou forlorn druggle-headed sneaksby! and may a million of black devils anatomize thy cockle brain. the hen-hearted rascal is so cowardly that he berays himself for fear every day. if thou art so afraid, dunghill, do not go; stay here and be hanged; or go and hide thy loggerhead under madam proserpine's petticoat. panurge hearing this, his breech began to make buttons; so he slunk in in an instant, and went to hide his head down in the bread-room among the musty biscuits and the orts and scraps of broken bread. pantagruel in the meantime said to the rest: i feel a pressing retraction in my soul, which like a voice admonishes me not to land there. whenever i have felt such a motion within me i have found myself happy in avoiding what it directed me to shun, or in undertaking what it prompted me to do; and i never had occasion to repent following its dictates. as much, said epistemon, is related of the daemon of socrates, so celebrated among the academics. well then, sir, said friar john, while the ship's crew water have you a mind to have good sport? panurge is got down somewhere in the hold, where he is crept into some corner, and lurks like a mouse in a cranny. let 'em give the word for the gunner to fire yon gun over the round-house on the poop; this will serve to salute the muses of this anti-parnassus; besides, the powder does but decay in it. you are in the right, said pantagruel; here, give the word for the gunner. the gunner immediately came, and was ordered by pantagruel to fire that gun, and then charge it with fresh powder, which was soon done. the gunners of the other ships, frigates, galleons, and galleys of the fleet, hearing us fire, gave every one a gun to the island; which made such a horrid noise that you would have sworn heaven had been tumbling about our ears. chapter 4.lxvii. how panurge berayed himself for fear; and of the huge cat rodilardus, which he took for a puny devil. panurge, like a wild, addle-pated, giddy-goat, sallies out of the bread-room in his shirt, with nothing else about him but one of his stockings, half on, half off, about his heel, like a rough-footed pigeon; his hair and beard all bepowdered with crumbs of bread in which he had been over head and ears, and a huge and mighty puss partly wrapped up in his other stocking. in this equipage, his chaps moving like a monkey's who's a-louse-hunting, his eyes staring like a dead pig's, his teeth chattering, and his bum quivering, the poor dog fled to friar john, who was then sitting by the chain-wales of the starboard side of the ship, and prayed him heartily to take pity on him and keep him in the safeguard of his trusty bilbo; swearing, by his share of papimany, that he had seen all hell broke loose. woe is me, my jacky, cried he, my dear johnny, my old crony, my brother, my ghostly father! all the devils keep holiday, all the devils keep their feast to-day, man. pork and peas choke me if ever thou sawest such preparations in thy life for an infernal feast. dost thou see the smoke of hell's kitchens? (this he said, showing him the smoke of the gunpowder above the ships.) thou never sawest so many damned souls since thou wast born; and so fair, so bewitching they seem, that one would swear they are stygian ambrosia. i thought at first, god forgive me! that they had been english souls; and i don't know but that this morning the isle of horses, near scotland, was sacked, with all the english who had surprised it, by the lords of termes and essay. friar john, at the approach of panurge, was entertained with a kind of smell that was not like that of gunpowder, nor altogether so sweet as musk; which made him turn panurge about, and then he saw that his shirt was dismally bepawed and berayed with fresh sir-reverence. the retentive faculty of the nerve which restrains the muscle called sphincter ('tis the arse-hole, an it please you) was relaxated by the violence of the fear which he had been in during his fantastic visions. add to this the thundering noise of the shooting, which seems more dreadful between decks than above. nor ought you to wonder at such a mishap; for one of the symptoms and accidents of fear is, that it often opens the wicket of the cupboard wherein second-hand meat is kept for a time. let's illustrate this noble theme with some examples. messer pantolfe de la cassina of siena, riding post from rome, came to chambery, and alighting at honest vinet's took one of the pitchforks in the stable; then turning to the innkeeper, said to him, da roma in qua io non son andato del corpo. di gratia piglia in mano questa forcha, et fa mi paura. (i have not had a stool since i left rome. i pray thee take this pitchfork and fright me.) vinet took it, and made several offers as if he would in good earnest have hit the signor, but all in vain; so the sienese said to him, si tu non fai altramente, tu non fai nulla; pero sforzati di adoperarli piu guagliardamente. (if thou dost not go another way to work, thou hadst as good do nothing; therefore try to bestir thyself more briskly.) with this, vinet lent him such a swinging stoater with the pitchfork souse between the neck and the collar of his jerkin, that down fell signor on the ground arsyversy, with his spindle shanks wide straggling over his poll. then mine host sputtering, with a full-mouthed laugh, said to his guest, by beelzebub's bumgut, much good may it do you, signore italiano. take notice this is datum camberiaci, given at chambery. 'twas well the sienese had untrussed his points and let down his drawers; for this physic worked with him as soon as he took it, and as copious was the evacuation as that of nine buffaloes and fourteen missificating arch-lubbers. which operation being over, the mannerly sienese courteously gave mine host a whole bushel of thanks, saying to him, io ti ringratio, bel messere; cosi facendo tu m' ai esparmiata la speza d'un servitiale. (i thank thee, good landlord; by this thou hast e'en saved me the expense of a clyster.) i'll give you another example of edward v., king of england. master francis villon, being banished france, fled to him, and got so far into his favour as to be privy to all his household affairs. one day the king, being on his close-stool, showed villon the arms of france, and said to him, dost thou see what respect i have for thy french kings? i have none of their arms anywhere but in this backside, near my close-stool. ods-life, said the buffoon, how wise, prudent, and careful of your health your highness is! how carefully your learned doctor, thomas linacre, looks after you! he saw that now you grow old you are inclined to be somewhat costive, and every day were fain to have an apothecary, i mean a suppository or clyster, thrust into your royal nockandroe; so he has, much to the purpose, induced you to place here the arms of france; for the very sight of them puts you into such a dreadful fright that you immediately let fly as much as would come from eighteen squattering bonasi of paeonia. and if they were painted in other parts of your house, by jingo, you would presently conskite yourself wherever you saw them. nay, had you but here a picture of the great oriflamme of france, ods-bodikins, your tripes and bowels would be in no small danger of dropping out at the orifice of your posteriors. but henh, henh, atque iterum henh. a silly cockney am i not, as ever did from paris come? and with a rope and sliding knot my neck shall know what weighs my bum. a cockney of short reach, i say, shallow of judgment and judging shallowly, to wonder that you should cause your points to be untrussed in your chamber before you come into this closet. by'r lady, at first i thought your close-stool had stood behind the hangings of your bed; otherwise it seemed very odd to me you should untruss so far from the place of evacuation. but now i find i was a gull, a wittol, a woodcock, a mere ninny, a dolt-head, a noddy, a changeling, a calf-lolly, a doddipoll. you do wisely, by the mass, you do wisely; for had you not been ready to clap your hind face on the mustard-pot as soon as you came within sight of these arms--mark ye me, cop's body--the bottom of your breeches had supplied the office of a close-stool. friar john, stopping the handle of his face with his left hand, did, with the forefinger of the right, point out panurge's shirt to pantagruel, who, seeing him in this pickle, scared, appalled, shivering, raving, staring, berayed, and torn with the claws of the famous cat rodilardus, could not choose but laugh, and said to him, prithee what wouldst thou do with this cat? with this cat? quoth panurge; the devil scratch me if i did not think it had been a young soft-chinned devil, which, with this same stocking instead of mitten, i had snatched up in the great hutch of hell as thievishly as any sizar of montague college could have done. the devil take tybert! i feel it has all bepinked my poor hide, and drawn on it to the life i don't know how many lobsters' whiskers. with this he threw his boar-cat down. go, go, said pantagruel, be bathed and cleaned, calm your fears, put on a clean shift, and then your clothes. what! do you think i am afraid? cried panurge. not i, i protest. by the testicles of hercules, i am more hearty, bold, and stout, though i say it that should not, than if i had swallowed as many flies as are put into plumcakes and other paste at paris from midsummer to christmas. but what's this? hah! oh, ho! how the devil came i by this? do you call this what the cat left in the malt, filth, dirt, dung, dejection, faecal matter, excrement, stercoration, sir-reverence, ordure, second-hand meats, fumets, stronts, scybal, or spyrathe? 'tis hibernian saffron, i protest. hah, hah, hah! 'tis irish saffron, by shaint pautrick, and so much for this time. selah. let's drink. [illustration: he sat down in a garden, with his back to a house that overlooked all london.] the food of the gods and how it came to earth h.g. wells [illustration] contents. book i. the dawn of the food. i. the discovery of the food ii. the experimental farm iii. the giant rats iv. the giant children v. the minimificence of mr. bensington book ii. the food in the village. i. the coming of the food ii. the brat gigantic book iii. the harvest of the food. i. the altered world ii. the giant lovers iii. young caddles in london iv. redwood's two days v. the giant leaguer book i. the dawn of the food. the food of the gods. chapter the first. the discovery of the food. i. in the middle years of the nineteenth century there first became abundant in this strange world of ours a class of men, men tending for the most part to become elderly, who are called, and who are very properly called, but who dislike extremely to be called--"scientists." they dislike that word so much that from the columns of _nature_, which was from the first their distinctive and characteristic paper, it is as carefully excluded as if it were--that other word which is the basis of all really bad language in this country. but the great public and its press know better, and "scientists" they are, and when they emerge to any sort of publicity, "distinguished scientists" and "eminent scientists" and "well-known scientists" is the very least we call them. certainly both mr. bensington and professor redwood quite merited any of these terms long before they came upon the marvellous discovery of which this story tells. mr. bensington was a fellow of the royal society and a former president of the chemical society, and professor redwood was professor of physiology in the bond street college of the london university, and he had been grossly libelled by the anti-vivisectionists time after time. and they had led lives of academic distinction from their very earliest youth. they were of course quite undistinguished looking men, as indeed all true scientists are. there is more personal distinction about the mildest-mannered actor alive than there is about the entire royal society. mr. bensington was short and very, very bald, and he stooped slightly; he wore gold-rimmed spectacles and cloth boots that were abundantly cut open because of his numerous corns, and professor redwood was entirely ordinary in his appearance. until they happened upon the food of the gods (as i must insist upon calling it) they led lives of such eminent and studious obscurity that it is hard to find anything whatever to tell the reader about them. mr. bensington won his spurs (if one may use such an expression of a gentleman in boots of slashed cloth) by his splendid researches upon the more toxic alkaloids, and professor redwood rose to eminence--i do not clearly remember how he rose to eminence! i know he was very eminent, and that's all. things of this sort grow. i fancy it was a voluminous work on reaction times with numerous plates of sphygmograph tracings (i write subject to correction) and an admirable new terminology, that did the thing for him. the general public saw little or nothing of either of these gentlemen. sometimes at places like the royal institution and the society of arts it did in a sort of way see mr. bensington, or at least his blushing baldness and something of his collar and coat, and hear fragments of a lecture or paper that he imagined himself to be reading audibly; and once i remember--one midday in the vanished past--when the british association was at dover, coming on section c or d, or some such letter, which had taken up its quarters in a public-house, and following two, serious-looking ladies with paper parcels, out of mere curiosity, through a door labelled "billiards" and "pool" into a scandalous darkness, broken only by a magic-lantern circle of redwood's tracings. i watched the lantern slides come and go, and listened to a voice (i forget what it was saying) which i believe was the voice of professor redwood, and there was a sizzling from the lantern and another sound that kept me there, still out of curiosity, until the lights were unexpectedly turned up. and then i perceived that this sound was the sound of the munching of buns and sandwiches and things that the assembled british associates had come there to eat under cover of the magic-lantern darkness. and redwood i remember went on talking all the time the lights were up and dabbing at the place where his diagram ought to have been visible on the screen--and so it was again so soon as the darkness was restored. i remember him then as a most ordinary, slightly nervous-looking dark man, with an air of being preoccupied with something else, and doing what he was doing just then under an unaccountable sense of duty. i heard bensington also once--in the old days--at an educational conference in bloomsbury. like most eminent chemists and botanists, mr. bensington was very authoritative upon teaching--though i am certain he would have been scared out of his wits by an average board school class in half-an-hour--and so far as i can remember now, he was propounding an improvement of professor armstrong's heuristic method, whereby at the cost of three or four hundred pounds' worth of apparatus, a total neglect of all other studies and the undivided attention of a teacher of exceptional gifts, an average child might with a peculiar sort of thumby thoroughness learn in the course of ten or twelve years almost as much chemistry as one could get in one of those objectionable shilling text-books that were then so common.... quite ordinary persons you perceive, both of them, outside their science. or if anything on the unpractical side of ordinary. and that you will find is the case with "scientists" as a class all the world over. what there is great of them is an annoyance to their fellow scientists and a mystery to the general public, and what is not is evident. there is no doubt about what is not great, no race of men have such obvious littlenesses. they live in a narrow world so far as their human intercourse goes; their researches involve infinite attention and an almost monastic seclusion; and what is left over is not very much. to witness some queer, shy, misshapen, grey-headed, self-important, little discoverer of great discoveries, ridiculously adorned with the wide ribbon of some order of chivalry and holding a reception of his fellow-men, or to read the anguish of _nature_ at the "neglect of science" when the angel of the birthday honours passes the royal society by, or to listen to one indefatigable lichenologist commenting on the work of another indefatigable lichenologist, such things force one to realise the unfaltering littleness of men. and withal the reef of science that these little "scientists" built and are yet building is so wonderful, so portentous, so full of mysterious half-shapen promises for the mighty future of man! they do not seem to realise the things they are doing! no doubt long ago even mr. bensington, when he chose this calling, when he consecrated his life to the alkaloids and their kindred compounds, had some inkling of the vision,--more than an inkling. without some such inspiration, for such glories and positions only as a "scientist" may expect, what young man would have given his life to such work, as young men do? no, they _must_ have seen the glory, they must have had the vision, but so near that it has blinded them. the splendour has blinded them, mercifully, so that for the rest of their lives they can hold the lights of knowledge in comfort--that we may see! and perhaps it accounts for redwood's touch of preoccupation, that--there can be no doubt of it now--he among his fellows was different, he was different inasmuch as something of the vision still lingered in his eyes. ii. the food of the gods i call it, this substance that mr. bensington and professor redwood made between them; and having regard now to what it has already done and all that it is certainly going to do, there is surely no exaggeration in the name. so i shall continue to call it therefore throughout my story. but mr. bensington would no more have called it that in cold blood than he would have gone out from his flat in sloane street clad in regal scarlet and a wreath of laurel. the phrase was a mere first cry of astonishment from him. he called it the food of the gods, in his enthusiasm and for an hour or so at the most altogether. after that he decided he was being absurd. when he first thought of the thing he saw, as it were, a vista of enormous possibilities--literally enormous possibilities; but upon this dazzling vista, after one stare of amazement, he resolutely shut his eyes, even as a conscientious "scientist" should. after that, the food of the gods sounded blatant to the pitch of indecency. he was surprised he had used the expression. yet for all that something of that clear-eyed moment hung about him and broke out ever and again.... "really, you know," he said, rubbing his hands together and laughing nervously, "it has more than a theoretical interest. "for example," he confided, bringing his face close to the professor's and dropping to an undertone, "it would perhaps, if suitably handled, _sell_.... "precisely," he said, walking away,--"as a food. or at least a food ingredient. "assuming of course that it is palatable. a thing we cannot know till we have prepared it." he turned upon the hearthrug, and studied the carefully designed slits upon his cloth shoes. "name?" he said, looking up in response to an inquiry. "for my part i incline to the good old classical allusion. it--it makes science res--. gives it a touch of old-fashioned dignity. i have been thinking ... i don't know if you will think it absurd of me.... a little fancy is surely occasionally permissible.... herakleophorbia. eh? the nutrition of a possible hercules? you know it _might_ ... "of course if you think _not_--" redwood reflected with his eyes on the fire and made no objection. "you think it would do?" redwood moved his head gravely. "it might be titanophorbia, you know. food of titans.... you prefer the former? "you're quite sure you don't think it a little _too_--" "no." "ah! i'm glad." and so they called it herakleophorbia throughout their investigations, and in their report,--the report that was never published, because of the unexpected developments that upset all their arrangements,--it is invariably written in that way. there were three kindred substances prepared before they hit on the one their speculations had foretolds and these they spoke of as herakleophorbia i, herakleophorbia ii, and herakleophorbia iii. it is herakleophorbia iv. which i--insisting upon bensington's original name--call here the food of the gods. iii. the idea was mr. bensington's. but as it was suggested to him by one of professor redwood's contributions to the philosophical transactions, he very properly consulted that gentleman before he carried it further. besides which it was, as a research, a physiological, quite as much as a chemical inquiry. professor redwood was one of those scientific men who are addicted to tracings and curves. you are familiar--if you are at all the sort of reader i like--with the sort of scientific paper i mean. it is a paper you cannot make head nor tail of, and at the end come five or six long folded diagrams that open out and show peculiar zigzag tracings, flashes of lightning overdone, or sinuous inexplicable things called "smoothed curves" set up on ordinates and rooting in abscissae--and things like that. you puzzle over the thing for a long time and end with the suspicion that not only do you not understand it but that the author does not understand it either. but really you know many of these scientific people understand the meaning of their own papers quite well: it is simply a defect of expression that raises the obstacle between us. i am inclined to think that redwood thought in tracings and curves. and after his monumental work upon reaction times (the unscientific reader is exhorted to stick to it for a little bit longer and everything will be as clear as daylight) redwood began to turn out smoothed curves and sphygmographeries upon growth, and it was one of his papers upon growth that really gave mr. bensington his idea. redwood, you know, had been measuring growing things of all sorts, kittens, puppies, sunflowers, mushrooms, bean plants, and (until his wife put a stop to it) his baby, and he showed that growth went out not at a regular pace, or, as he put it, so, / / / / / / / / / / / but with bursts and intermissions of this sort, _____ / / _____/ / / _____/ / / / and that apparently nothing grew regularly and steadily, and so far as he could make out nothing could grow regularly and steadily: it was as if every living thing had just to accumulate force to grow, grew with vigour only for a time, and then had to wait for a space before it could go on growing again. and in the muffled and highly technical language of the really careful "scientist," redwood suggested that the process of growth probably demanded the presence of a considerable quantity of some necessary substance in the blood that was only formed very slowly, and that when this substance was used up by growth, it was only very slowly replaced, and that meanwhile the organism had to mark time. he compared his unknown substance to oil in machinery. a growing animal was rather like an engine, he suggested, that can move a certain distance and must then be oiled before it can run again. ("but why shouldn't one oil the engine from without?" said mr. bensington, when he read the paper.) and all this, said redwood, with the delightful nervous inconsecutiveness of his class, might very probably be found to throw a light upon the mystery of certain of the ductless glands. as though they had anything to do with it at all! in a subsequent communication redwood went further. he gave a perfect brock's benefit of diagrams--exactly like rocket trajectories they were; and the gist of it--so far as it had any gist--was that the blood of puppies and kittens and the sap of sunflowers and the juice of mushrooms in what he called the "growing phase" differed in the proportion of certain elements from their blood and sap on the days when they were not particularly growing. and when mr. bensington, after holding the diagrams sideways and upside down, began to see what this difference was, a great amazement came upon him. because, you see, the difference might probably be due to the presence of just the very substance he had recently been trying to isolate in his researches upon such alkaloids as are most stimulating to the nervous system. he put down redwood's paper on the patent reading-desk that swung inconveniently from his arm-chair, took off his gold-rimmed spectacles, breathed on them and wiped them very carefully. "by jove!" said mr. bensington. then replacing his spectacles again he turned to the patent reading-desk, which immediately, as his elbow came against its arm, gave a coquettish squeak and deposited the paper, with all its diagrams in a dispersed and crumpled state, on the floor. "by jove!" said mr. bensington, straining his stomach over the arm-chair with a patient disregard of the habits of this convenience, and then, finding the pamphlet still out of reach, he went down on all fours in pursuit. it was on the floor that the idea of calling it the food of the gods came to him.... for you see, if he was right and redwood was right, then by injecting or administering this new substance of his in food, he would do away with the "resting phase," and instead of growth going on in this fashion, _____ / / _____/ / / _____/ / / / it would (if you follow me) go thus- / / / / / / / / / / / iv. the night after his conversation with redwood mr. bensington could scarcely sleep a wink. he did seem once to get into a sort of doze, but it was only for a moment, and then he dreamt he had dug a deep hole into the earth and poured in tons and tons of the food of the gods, and the earth was swelling and swelling, and all the boundaries of the countries were bursting, and the royal geographical society was all at work like one great guild of tailors letting out the equator.... that of course was a ridiculous dream, but it shows the state of mental excitement into which mr. bensington got and the real value he attached to his idea, much better than any of the things he said or did when he was awake and on his guard. or i should not have mentioned it, because as a general rule i do not think it is at all interesting for people to tell each other about their dreams. by a singular coincidence redwood also had a dream that night, and his dream was this:- | | | | | | | | | | it was a diagram done in fire upon a long scroll of the abyss. and he (redwood) was standing on a planet before a sort of black platform lecturing about the new sort of growth that was now possible, to the more than royal institution of primordial forces--forces which had always previously, even in the growth of races, empires, planetary systems, and worlds, gone so:- _____ / _____/ / _____/ / / and even in some cases so:- ____ / \ _____/ / / and he was explaining to them quite lucidly and convincingly that these slow, these even retrogressive methods would be very speedily quite put out of fashion by his discovery. ridiculous of course! but that too shows-that either dream is to be regarded as in any way significant or prophetic beyond what i have categorically said, i do not for one moment suggest. chapter the second. the experimental farm. i. mr. bensington proposed originally to try this stuff, so soon as he was really able to prepare it, upon tadpoles. one always does try this sort of thing upon tadpoles to begin with; this being what tadpoles are for. and it was agreed that he should conduct the experiments and not redwood, because redwood's laboratory was occupied with the ballistic apparatus and animals necessary for an investigation into the diurnal variation in the butting frequency of the young bull calf, an investigation that was yielding curves of an abnormal and very perplexing sort, and the presence of glass globes of tadpoles was extremely undesirable while this particular research was in progress. but when mr. bensington conveyed to his cousin jane something of what he had in mind, she put a prompt veto upon the importation of any considerable number of tadpoles, or any such experimental creatures, into their flat. she had no objection whatever to his use of one of the rooms of the flat for the purposes of a non-explosive chemistry that, so far as she was concerned, came to nothing; she let him have a gas furnace and a sink and a dust-tight cupboard of refuge from the weekly storm of cleaning she would not forego. and having known people addicted to drink, she regarded his solicitude for distinction in learned societies as an excellent substitute for the coarser form of depravity. but any sort of living things in quantity, "wriggly" as they were bound to be alive and "smelly" dead, she could not and would not abide. she said these things were certain to be unhealthy, and bensington was notoriously a delicate man--it was nonsense to say he wasn't. and when bensington tried to make the enormous importance of this possible discovery clear, she said that it was all very well, but if she consented to his making everything nasty and unwholesome in the place (and that was what it all came to) then she was certain he would be the first to complain. and mr. bensington went up and down the room, regardless of his corns, and spoke to her quite firmly and angrily without the slightest effect. he said that nothing ought to stand in the way of the advancement of science, and she said that the advancement of science was one thing and having a lot of tadpoles in a flat was another; he said that in germany it was an ascertained fact that a man with an idea like his would at once have twenty thousand properly-fitted cubic feet of laboratory placed at his disposal, and she said she was glad and always had been glad that she was not a german; he said that it would make him famous for ever, and she said it was much more likely to make him ill to have a lot of tadpoles in a flat like theirs; he said he was master in his own house, and she said that rather than wait on a lot of tadpoles she'd go as matron to a school; and then he asked her to be reasonable, and she asked _him_ to be reasonable then and give up all this about tadpoles; and he said she might respect his ideas, and she said not if they were smelly she wouldn't, and then he gave way completely and said--in spite of the classical remarks of huxley upon the subject--a bad word. not a very bad word it was, but bad enough. and after that she was greatly offended and had to be apologised to, and the prospect of ever trying the food of the gods upon tadpoles in their flat at any rate vanished completely in the apology. so bensington had to consider some other way of carrying out these experiments in feeding that would be necessary to demonstrate his discovery, so soon as he had his substance isolated and prepared. for some days he meditated upon the possibility of boarding out his tadpoles with some trustworthy person, and then the chance sight of the phrase in a newspaper turned his thoughts to an experimental farm. and chicks. directly he thought of it, he thought of it as a poultry farm. he was suddenly taken with a vision of wildly growing chicks. he conceived a picture of coops and runs, outsize and still more outsize coops, and runs progressively larger. chicks are so accessible, so easily fed and observed, so much drier to handle and measure, that for his purpose tadpoles seemed to him now, in comparison with them, quite wild and uncontrollable beasts. he was quite puzzled to understand why he had not thought of chicks instead of tadpoles from the beginning. among other things it would have saved all this trouble with his cousin jane. and when he suggested this to redwood, redwood quite agreed with him. redwood said that in working so much upon needlessly small animals he was convinced experimental physiologists made a great mistake. it is exactly like making experiments in chemistry with an insufficient quantity of material; errors of observation and manipulation become disproportionately large. it was of extreme importance just at present that scientific men should assert their right to have their material _big_. that was why he was doing his present series of experiments at the bond street college upon bull calves, in spite of a certain amount of inconvenience to the students and professors of other subjects caused by their incidental levity in the corridors. but the curves he was getting were quite exceptionally interesting, and would, when published, amply justify his choice. for his own part, were it not for the inadequate endowment of science in this country, he would never, if he could avoid it, work on anything smaller than a whale. but a public vivarium on a sufficient scale to render this possible was, he feared, at present, in this country at any rate, a utopian demand. in germany--etc. as redwood's bull calves needed his daily attention, the selection and equipment of the experimental farm fell largely on bensington. the entire cost also, was, it was understood, to be defrayed by bensington, at least until a grant could be obtained. accordingly he alternated his work in the laboratory of his flat with farm hunting up and down the lines that run southward out of london, and his peering spectacles, his simple baldness, and his lacerated cloth shoes filled the owners of numerous undesirable properties with vain hopes. and he advertised in several daily papers and _nature_ for a responsible couple (married), punctual, active, and used to poultry, to take entire charge of an experimental farm of three acres. he found the place he seemed in need of at hickleybrow, near urshot, in kent. it was a little queer isolated place, in a dell surrounded by old pine woods that were black and forbidding at night. a humped shoulder of down cut it off from the sunset, and a gaunt well with a shattered penthouse dwarfed the dwelling. the little house was creeperless, several windows were broken, and the cart shed had a black shadow at midday. it was a mile and a half from the end house of the village, and its loneliness was very doubtfully relieved by an ambiguous family of echoes. the place impressed bensington as being eminently adapted to the requirements of scientific research. he walked over the premises sketching out coops and runs with a sweeping arm, and he found the kitchen capable of accommodating a series of incubators and foster mothers with the very minimum of alteration. he took the place there and then; on his way back to london he stopped at dunton green and closed with an eligible couple that had answered his advertisements, and that same evening he succeeded in isolating a sufficient quantity of herakleophorbia i. to more than justify these engagements. the eligible couple who were destined under mr. bensington to be the first almoners on earth of the food of the gods, were not only very perceptibly aged, but also extremely dirty. this latter point mr. bensington did not observe, because nothing destroys the powers of general observation quite so much as a life of experimental science. they were named skinner, mr. and mrs. skinner, and mr. bensington interviewed them in a small room with hermetically sealed windows, a spotted overmantel looking-glass, and some ailing calceolarias. mrs. skinner was a very little old woman, capless, with dirty white hair drawn back very very tightly from a face that had begun by being chiefly, and was now, through the loss of teeth and chin, and the wrinkling up of everything else, ending by being almost exclusively--nose. she was dressed in slate colour (so far as her dress had any colour) slashed in one place with red flannel. she let him in and talked to him guardedly and peered at him round and over her nose, while mr. skinner she alleged made some alteration in his toilette. she had one tooth that got into her articulations and she held her two long wrinkled hands nervously together. she told mr. bensington that she had managed fowls for years; and knew all about incubators; in fact, they themselves had run a poultry farm at one time, and it had only failed at last through the want of pupils. "it's the pupils as pay," said mrs. skinner. mr. skinner, when he appeared, was a large-faced man, with a lisp and a squint that made him look over the top of your head, slashed slippers that appealed to mr. bensington's sympathies, and a manifest shortness of buttons. he held his coat and shirt together with one hand and traced patterns on the black-and-gold tablecloth with the index finger of the other, while his disengaged eye watched mr. bensington's sword of damocles, so to speak, with an expression of sad detachment. "you don't want to run thith farm for profit. no, thir. ith all the thame, thir. ekthperimenth! prethithely." he said they could go to the farm at once. he was doing nothing at dunton green except a little tailoring. "it ithn't the thmart plathe i thought it wath, and what i get ithent thkarthely worth having," he said, "tho that if it ith any convenienth to you for uth to come...." and in a week mr. and mrs. skinner were installed in the farm, and the jobbing carpenter from hickleybrow was diversifying the task of erecting runs and henhouses with a systematic discussion of mr. bensington. "i haven't theen much of 'im yet," said mr. skinner. "but as far as i can make 'im out 'e theems to be a thtewpid o' fool." "_i_ thought 'e seemed a bit dotty," said the carpenter from hickleybrow. "'e fanthieth 'imself about poultry," said mr. skinner. "o my goodneth! you'd think nobody knew nothin' about poultry thept 'im." "'e _looks_ like a 'en," said the carpenter from hickleybrow; "what with them spectacles of 'is." mr. skinner came closer to the carpenter from hickleybrow, and spoke in a confidential manner, and one sad eye regarded the distant village, and one was bright and wicked. "got to be meathured every blethed day--every blethed 'en, 'e thays. tho as to thee they grow properly. what oh ... eh? every blethed 'en--every blethed day." and mr. skinner put up his hand to laugh behind it in a refined and contagious manner, and humped his shoulders very much--and only the other eye of him failed to participate in his laughter. then doubting if the carpenter had quite got the point of it, he repeated in a penetrating whisper; "_meathured_!" "'e's worse than our old guvnor; i'm dratted if 'e ain't," said the carpenter from hickleybrow. ii. experimental work is the most tedious thing in the world (unless it be the reports of it in the _philosophical transactions_), and it seemed a long time to mr. bensington before his first dream of enormous possibilities was replaced by a crumb of realisation. he had taken the experimental farm in october, and it was may before the first inklings of success began. herakleophorbia i. and ii. and iii. had to be tried, and failed; there was trouble with the rats of the experimental farm, and there was trouble with the skinners. the only way to get skinner to do anything he was told to do was to dismiss him. then he would nib his unshaven chin--he was always unshaven most miraculously and yet never bearded--with a flattened hand, and look at mr. bensington with one eye, and over him with the other, and say, "oo, of courthe, thir--if you're _theriouth_!" but at last success dawned. and its herald was a letter in the long slender handwriting of mr. skinner. "the new brood are out," wrote mr. skinner, "and don't quite like the look of them. growing very rank--quite unlike what the similar lot was before your last directions was given. the last, before the cat got them, was a very nice, stocky chick, but these are growing like thistles. i never saw. they peck so hard, striking above boot top, that am unable to give exact measures as requested. they are regular giants, and eating as such. we shall want more corn very soon, for you never saw such chicks to eat. bigger than bantams. going on at this rate, they ought to be a bird for show, rank as they are. plymouth rocks won't be in it. had a scare last night thinking that cat was at them, and when i looked out at the window could have sworn i see her getting in under the wire. the chicks was all awake and pecking about hungry when i went out, but could not see anything of the cat. so gave them a peck of corn, and fastened up safe. shall be glad to know if the feeding to be continued as directed. food you mixed is pretty near all gone, and do not like to mix any more myself on account of the accident with the pudding. with best wishes from us both, and soliciting continuance of esteemed favours, "respectfully yours, "alfred newton skinner." the allusion towards the end referred to a milk pudding with which some herakleophorbia ii. had got itself mixed with painful and very nearly fatal results to the skinners. but mr. bensington, reading between the lines saw in this rankness of growth the attainment of his long sought goal. the next morning he alighted at urshot station, and in the bag in his hand he carried, sealed in three tins, a supply of the food of the gods sufficient for all the chicks in kent. it was a bright and beautiful morning late in may, and his corns were so much better that he resolved to walk through hickleybrow to his farm. it was three miles and a half altogether, through the park and villages and then along the green glades of the hickleybrow preserves. the trees were all dusted with the green spangles of high spring, the hedges were full of stitchwort and campion and the woods of blue hyacinths and purple orchid; and everywhere there was a great noise of birds--thrushes, blackbirds, robins, finches, and many more--and in one warm corner of the park some bracken was unrolling, and there was a leaping and rushing of fallow deer. these things brought back to mr. bensington his early and forgotten delight in life; before him the promise of his discovery grew bright and joyful, and it seemed to him that indeed he must have come upon the happiest day in his life. and when in the sunlit run by the sandy bank under the shadow of the pine trees he saw the chicks that had eaten the food he had mixed for them, gigantic and gawky, bigger already than many a hen that is married and settled and still growing, still in their first soft yellow plumage (just faintly marked with brown along the back), he knew indeed that his happiest day had come. at mr. skinner's urgency he went into the runs but after he had been pecked through the cracks in his shoes once or twice he got out again, and watched these monsters through the wire netting. he peered close to the netting, and followed their movements as though he had never seen a chick before in his life. "whath they'll be when they're grown up ith impothible to think," said mr. skinner. "big as a horse," said mr. bensington. "pretty near," said mr. skinner. "several people could dine off a wing!" said mr. bensington. "they'd cut up into joints like butcher's meat." "they won't go on growing at thith pathe though," said mr. skinner. "no?" said mr. bensington. "no," said mr. skinner. "i know thith thort. they begin rank, but they don't go on, bleth you! no." there was a pause. "itth management," said mr. skinner modestly. mr. bensington turned his glasses on him suddenly. "we got 'em almoth ath big at the other plathe," said mr. skinner, with his better eye piously uplifted and letting himself go a little; "me and the mithith." mr. bensington made his usual general inspection of the premises, but he speedily returned to the new run. it was, you know, in truth ever so much more than he had dared to expect. the course of science is so tortuous and so slow; after the clear promises and before the practical realisation arrives there comes almost always year after year of intricate contrivance, and here--here was the foods of the gods arriving after less than a year of testing! it seemed too good--too good. that hope deferred which is the daily food of the scientific imagination was to be his no more! so at least it seemed to him then. he came back and stared at these stupendous chicks of his, time after time. "let me see," he said. "they're ten days old. and by the side of an ordinary chick i should fancy--about six or seven times as big...." "itth about time we artht for a rithe in thkrew," said mr. skinner to his wife. "he'th ath pleathed ath punth about the way we got thothe chickth on in the further run--pleathed ath punth he ith." he bent confidentially towards her. "thinkth it'th that old food of hith," he said behind his hands and made a noise of suppressed laughter in his pharyngeal cavity.... mr. bensington was indeed a happy man that day. he was in no mood to find fault with details of management. the bright day certainly brought out the accumulating slovenliness of the skinner couple more vividly than he had ever seen it before. but his comments were of the gentlest. the fencing of many of the runs was out of order, but he seemed to consider it quite satisfactory when mr. skinner explained that it was a "fokth or a dog or thomething" did it. he pointed out that the incubator had not been cleaned. "that it _asn't_, sir," said mrs. skinner with her arms folded, smiling coyly behind her nose. "we don't seem to have had time to clean it not since we been 'ere...." he went upstairs to see some rat-holes that skinner said would justify a trap--they certainly were enormous--and discovered that the room in which the food of the gods was mixed with meal and bran was in a quite disgraceful order. the skinners were the sort of people who find a use for cracked saucers and old cans and pickle jars and mustard boxes, and the place was littered with these. in one corner a great pile of apples that skinner had saved was decaying, and from a nail in the sloping part of the ceiling hung several rabbit skins, upon which he proposed to test his gift as a furrier. ("there ithn't mutth about furth and thingth that _i_ don't know," said skinner.) mr. bensington certainly sniffed critically at this disorder, but he made no unnecessary fuss, and even when he found a wasp regaling itself in a gallipot half full of herakleophorbia iv, he simply remarked mildly that his substance was better sealed from the damp than exposed to the air in that manner. and he turned from these things at once to remark--what had been for some time in his mind--"i _think_, skinner--you know, i shall kill one of these chicks--as a specimen. i think we will kill it this afternoon, and i will take it back with me to london." he pretended to peer into another gallipot and then took off his spectacles to wipe them. "i should like," he said, "i should like very much, to have some relic--some memento--of this particular brood at this particular day." "by-the-bye," he said, "you don't give those little chicks meat?" "oh! _no_, thir," said skinner, "i can athure you, thir, we know far too much about the management of fowlth of all dethcriptionth to do anything of that thort." "quite sure you don't throw your dinner refuse--i thought i noticed the bones of a rabbit scattered about the far corner of the run--" but when they came to look at them they found they were the larger bones of a cat picked very clean and dry. iii. "_that's_ no chick," said mr. bensington's cousin jane. "well, i should _think_ i knew a chick when i saw it," said mr. bensington's cousin jane hotly. "it's too big for a chick, for one thing, and besides you can _see_ perfectly well it isn't a chick. "it's more like a bustard than a chick." "for my part," said redwood, reluctantly allowing bensington to drag him into the argument, "i must confess that, considering all the evidence--" "oh! if you do _that_," said mr. bensington's cousin jane, "instead of using your eyes like a sensible person--" "well, but really, miss bensington--!" "oh! go _on!_" said cousin jane. "you men are all alike." "considering all the evidence, this certainly falls within the definition--no doubt it's abnormal and hypertrophied, but still--especially since it was hatched from the egg of a normal hen--yes, i think, miss bensington, i must admit--this, so far as one can call it anything, is a sort of chick." "you mean it's a chick?" said cousin jane. "i _think_ it's a chick," said redwood. "what nonsense!" said mr. bensington's cousin jane, and "oh!" directed at redwood's head, "i haven't patience with you," and then suddenly she turned about and went out of the room with a slam. "and it's a very great relief for me to see it too, bensington," said redwood, when the reverberation of the slam had died away. "in spite of its being so big." without any urgency from mr. bensington he sat down in the low arm-chair by the fire and confessed to proceedings that even in an unscientific man would have been indiscreet. "you will think it very rash of me, bensington, i know," he said, "but the fact is i put a little--not very much of it--but some--into baby's bottle, very nearly a week ago!" "but suppose--!" cried mr. bensington. "i know," said redwood, and glanced at the giant chick upon the plate on the table. "it's turned out all right, thank goodness," and he felt in his pocket for his cigarettes. he gave fragmentary details. "poor little chap wasn't putting on weight... desperately anxious.--winkles, a frightful duffer ... former pupil of mine ... no good.... mrs. redwood--unmitigated confidence in winkles.... _you_ know, man with a manner like a cliff--towering.... no confidence in _me_, of course.... taught winkles.... scarcely allowed in the nursery.... something had to be done.... slipped in while the nurse was at breakfast ... got at the bottle." "but he'll grow," said mr. bensington. "he's growing. twenty-seven ounces last week.... you should hear winkles. it's management, he said." "dear me! that's what skinner says!" redwood looked at the chick again. "the bother is to keep it up," he said. "they won't trust me in the nursery alone, because i tried to get a growth curve out of georgina phyllis--you know--and how i'm to give him a second dose--" "need you?" "he's been crying two days--can't get on with his ordinary food again, anyhow. he wants some more now." "tell winkles." "hang winkles!" said redwood. "you might get at winkles and give him powders to give the child--" "that's about what i shall have to do," said redwood, resting his chin on his fist and staring into the fire. bensington stood for a space smoothing the down on the breast of the giant chick. "they will be monstrous fowls," he said. "they will," said redwood, still with his eyes on the glow. "big as horses," said bensington. "bigger," said redwood. "that's just it!" bensington turned away from the specimen. "redwood," he said, "these fowls are going to create a sensation." redwood nodded his head at the fire. "and by jove!" said bensington, coming round suddenly with a flash in his spectacles, "so will your little boy!" "that's just what i'm thinking of," said redwood. he sat back, sighed, threw his unconsumed cigarette into the fire and thrust his hands deep into his trousers pockets. "that's precisely what i'm thinking of. this herakleophorbia is going to be queer stuff to handle. the pace that chick must have grown at--!" "a little boy growing at that pace," said mr. bensington slowly, and stared at the chick as he spoke. "i _say_!" said bensington, "he'll be big." "i shall give him diminishing doses," said redwood. "or at any rate winkles will." "it's rather too much of an experiment." "much." "yet still, you know, i must confess--... some baby will sooner or later have to try it." "oh, we'll try it on _some_ baby--certainly." "exactly so," said bensington, and came and stood on the hearthrug and took off his spectacles to wipe them. "until i saw these chicks, redwood, i don't think i _began_ to realise--anything--of the possibilities of what we were making. it's only beginning to dawn upon me ... the possible consequences...." and even then, you know, mr. bensington was far from any conception of the mine that little train would fire. iv. that happened early in june. for some weeks bensington was kept from revisiting the experimental farm by a severe imaginary catarrh, and one necessary flying visit was made by redwood. he returned an even more anxious-looking parent than he had gone. altogether there were seven weeks of steady, uninterrupted growth.... and then the wasps began their career. it was late in july and nearly a week before the hens escaped from hickleybrow that the first of the big wasps was killed. the report of it appeared in several papers, but i do not know whether the news reached mr. bensington, much less whether he connected it with the general laxity of method that prevailed in the experimental farm. there can be but little doubt now, that while mr. skinner was plying mr. bensington's chicks with herakleophorbia iv, a number of wasps were just as industriously--perhaps more industriously--carrying quantities of the same paste to their early summer broods in the sand-banks beyond the adjacent pine-woods. and there can be no dispute whatever that these early broods found just as much growth and benefit in the substance as mr. bensington's hens. it is in the nature of the wasp to attain to effective maturity before the domestic fowl--and in fact of all the creatures that were--through the generous carelessness of the skinners--partaking of the benefits mr. bensington heaped upon his hens, the wasps were the first to make any sort of figure in the world. it was a keeper named godfrey, on the estate of lieutenant-colonel rupert hick, near maidstone, who encountered and had the luck to kill the first of these monsters of whom history has any record. he was walking knee high in bracken across an open space in the beechwoods that diversify lieutenant-colonel hick's park, and he was carrying his gun--very fortunately for him a double-barrelled gun--over his shoulder, when he first caught sight of the thing. it was, he says, coming down against the light, so that he could not see it very distinctly, and as it came it made a drone "like a motor car." he admits he was frightened. it was evidently as big or bigger than a barn owl, and, to his practised eye, its flight and particularly the misty whirl of its wings must have seemed weirdly unbirdlike. the instinct of self-defence, i fancy, mingled with long habit, when, as he says, he "let fly, right away." the queerness of the experience probably affected his aim; at any rate most of his shot missed, and the thing merely dropped for a moment with an angry "wuzzzz" that revealed the wasp at once, and then rose again, with all its stripes shining against the light. he says it turned on him. at any rate, he fired his second barrel at less than twenty yards and threw down his gun, ran a pace or so, and ducked to avoid it. it flew, he is convinced, within a yard of him, struck the ground, rose again, came down again perhaps thirty yards away, and rolled over with its body wriggling and its sting stabbing out and back in its last agony. he emptied both barrels into it again before he ventured to go near. when he came to measure the thing, he found it was twenty-seven and a half inches across its open wings, and its sting was three inches long. the abdomen was blown clean off from its body, but he estimated the length of the creature from head to sting as eighteen inches--which is very nearly correct. its compound eyes were the size of penny pieces. that is the first authenticated appearance of these giant wasps. the day after, a cyclist riding, feet up, down the hill between sevenoaks and tonbridge, very narrowly missed running over a second of these giants that was crawling across the roadway. his passage seemed to alarm it, and it rose with a noise like a sawmill. his bicycle jumped the footpath in the emotion of the moment, and when he could look back, the wasp was soaring away above the woods towards westerham. after riding unsteadily for a little time, he put on his brake, dismounted--he was trembling so violently that he fell over his machine in doing so--and sat down by the roadside to recover. he had intended to ride to ashford, but he did not get beyond tonbridge that day.... after that, curiously enough, there is no record of any big wasps being seen for three days. i find on consulting the meteorological record of those days that they were overcast and chilly with local showers, which may perhaps account for this intermission. then on the fourth day came blue sky and brilliant sunshine and such an outburst of wasps as the world had surely never seen before. how many big wasps came out that day it is impossible to guess. there are at least fifty accounts of their apparition. there was one victim, a grocer, who discovered one of these monsters in a sugar-cask and very rashly attacked it with a spade as it rose. he struck it to the ground for a moment, and it stung him through the boot as he struck at it again and cut its body in half. he was first dead of the two.... the most dramatic of the fifty appearances was certainly that of the wasp that visited the british museum about midday, dropping out of the blue serene upon one of the innumerable pigeons that feed in the courtyard of that building, and flying up to the cornice to devour its victim at leisure. after that it crawled for a time over the museum roof, entered the dome of the reading-room by a skylight, buzzed about inside it for some little time--there was a stampede among the readers--and at last found another window and vanished again with a sudden silence from human observation. most of the other reports were of mere passings or descents. a picnic party was dispersed at aldington knoll and all its sweets and jam consumed, and a puppy was killed and torn to pieces near whitstable under the very eyes of its mistress.... the streets that evening resounded with the cry, the newspaper placards gave themselves up exclusively in the biggest of letters to the "gigantic wasps in kent." agitated editors and assistant editors ran up and down tortuous staircases bawling things about "wasps." and professor redwood, emerging from his college in bond street at five, flushed from a heated discussion with his committee about the price of bull calves, bought an evening paper, opened it, changed colour, forgot about bull calves and committee forthwith, and took a hansom headlong for bensington's flat. v. the flat was occupied, it seemed to him--to the exclusion of all other sensible objects--by mr. skinner and his voice, if indeed you can call either him or it a sensible object! the voice was up very high slopping about among the notes of anguish. "itth impothible for uth to thtop, thir. we've thtopped on hoping thingth would get better and they've only got worth, thir. it ithn't on'y the waptheth, thir--thereth big earwigth, thir--big ath that, thir." (he indicated all his hand and about three inches of fat dirty wrist.) "they pretty near give mithith thkinner fitth, thir. and the thtinging nettleth by the runth, thir, _they're_ growing, thir, and the canary creeper, thir, what we thowed near the think, thir--it put itth tendril through the window in the night, thir, and very nearly caught mithith thkinner by the legth, thir. itth that food of yourth, thir. wherever we thplathed it about, thir, a bit, it'th thet everything growing ranker, thir, than i ever thought anything could grow. itth impothible to thtop a month, thir. itth more than our liveth are worth, thir. even if the waptheth don't thting uth, we thall be thuffocated by the creeper, thir. you can't imagine, thir--unleth you come down to thee, thir--" he turned his superior eye to the cornice above redwood's head. "'ow do we know the ratth 'aven't got it, thir! that 'th what i think of motht, thir. i 'aven't theen any big ratth, thir, but 'ow do i know, thir. we been frightened for dayth becauth of the earwigth we've theen--like lobthters they wath--two of 'em, thir--and the frightful way the canary creeper wath growing, and directly i heard the waptheth--directly i 'eard 'em, thir, i underthood. i didn't wait for nothing exthept to thow on a button i'd lortht, and then i came on up. even now, thir, i'm arf wild with angthiety, thir. 'ow do _i_ know watth happenin' to mithith thkinner, thir! thereth the creeper growing all over the plathe like a thnake, thir--thwelp me but you 'ave to watch it, thir, and jump out of itth way!--and the earwigth gettin' bigger and bigger, and the waptheth--. she 'athen't even got a blue bag, thir--if anything thould happen, thir!" "but the hens," said mr. bensington; "how are the hens?" "we fed 'em up to yethterday, thwelp me," said mr. skinner, "but thith morning we didn't _dare_, thir. the noithe of the waptheth wath--thomething awful, thir. they wath coming ont--dothenth. ath big ath 'enth. i thayth, to 'er, i thayth you juth thow me on a button or two, i thayth, for i can't go to london like thith, i thayth, and i'll go up to mithter benthington, i thayth, and ekthplain thingth to 'im. and you thtop in thith room till i come back to you, i thayth, and keep the windowth thhut jutht ath tight ath ever you can, i thayth." "if you hadn't been so confoundedly untidy--" began redwood. "oh! don't thay _that_, thir," said skinner. "not now, thir. not with me tho diththrethed, thir, about mithith thkinner, thir! oh, _don't,_ thir! i 'aven't the 'eart to argue with you. thwelp me, thir, i 'aven't! itth the ratth i keep a thinking of--'ow do i know they 'aven't got at mithith thkinner while i been up 'ere?" "and you haven't got a solitary measurement of all these beautiful growth curves!" said redwood. "i been too upthet, thir," said mr. skinner. "if you knew what we been through--me and the mithith! all thith latht month. we 'aven't known what to make of it, thir. what with the henth gettin' tho rank, and the earwigth, and the canary creeper. i dunno if i told you, thir--the canary creeper ..." "you've told us all that," said redwood. "the thing is, bensington, what are we to do?" "what are _we_ to do?" said mr. skinner. "you'll have to go back to mrs. skinner," said redwood. "you can't leave her there alone all night." "not alone, thir, i don't. not if there wath a dothen mithith thkinnerth. itth mithter benthington--" "nonsense," said redwood. "the wasps will be all right at night. and the earwigs will get out of your way--" "but about the ratth?" "there aren't any rats," said redwood. vi. mr. skinner might have foregone his chief anxiety. mrs. skinner did not stop out her day. about eleven the canary creeper, which had been quietly active all the morning, began to clamber over the window and darken it very greatly, and the darker it got the more and more clearly mrs. skinner perceived that her position would speedily become untenable. and also that she had lived many ages since skinner went. she peered out of the darkling window, through the stirring tendrils, for some time, and then went very cautiously and opened the bedroom door and listened.... everything seemed quiet, and so, tucking her skirts high about her, mrs. skinner made a bolt for the bedroom, and having first looked under the bed and locked herself in, proceeded with the methodical rapidity of an experienced woman to pack for departure. the bed had not been made, and the room was littered with pieces of the creeper that skinner had hacked off in order to close the window overnight, but these disorders she did not heed. she packed in a decent sheet. she packed all her own wardrobe and a velveteen jacket that skinner wore in his finer moments, and she packed a jar of pickles that had not been opened, and so far she was justified in her packing. but she also packed two of the hermetically closed tins containing herakleophorbia iv. that mr. bensington had brought on his last visit. (she was honest, good woman--but she was a grandmother, and her heart had burned within her to see such good growth lavished on a lot of dratted chicks.) and having packed all these things, she put on her bonnet, took off her apron, tied a new boot-lace round her umbrella, and after listening for a long time at door and window, opened the door and sallied out into a perilous world. the umbrella was under her arm and she clutched the bundle with two gnarled and resolute hands. it was her best sunday bonnet, and the two poppies that reared their heads amidst its splendours of band and bead seemed instinct with the same tremulous courage that possessed her. the features about the roots of her nose wrinkled with determination. she had had enough of it! all alone there! skinner might come back there if he liked. she went out by the front door, going that way not because she wanted to go to hickleybrow (her goal was cheasing eyebright, where her married daughter resided), but because the back door was impassable on account of the canary creeper that had been growing so furiously ever since she upset the can of food near its roots. she listened for a space and closed the front door very carefully behind her. at the corner of the house she paused and reconnoitred.... an extensive sandy scar upon the hillside beyond the pine-woods marked the nest of the giant wasps, and this she studied very earnestly. the coming and going of the morning was over, not a wasp chanced to be in sight then, and except for a sound scarcely more perceptible than a steam wood-saw at work amidst the pines would have been, everything was still. as for earwigs, she could see not one. down among the cabbage indeed something was stirring, but it might just as probably be a cat stalking birds. she watched this for a time. she went a few paces past the corner, came in sight of the run containing the giant chicks and stopped again. "ah!" she said, and shook her head slowly at the sight of them. they were at that time about the height of emus, but of course much thicker in the body--a larger thing altogether. they were all hens and five all told, now that the two cockerels had killed each other. she hesitated at their drooping attitudes. "poor dears!" she said, and put down her bundle; "they've got no water. and they've 'ad no food these twenty-four hours! and such appetites, too, as they 'ave!" she put a lean finger to her lips and communed with herself. then this dirty old woman did what seems to me a quite heroic deed of mercy. she left her bundle and umbrella in the middle of the brick path and went to the well and drew no fewer than three pailfuls of water for the chickens' empty trough, and then while they were all crowding about that, she undid the door of the run very softly. after which she became extremely active, resumed her package, got over the hedge at the bottom of the garden, crossed the rank meadows (in order to avoid the wasps' nest) and toiled up the winding path towards cheasing eyebright. she panted up the hill, and as she went she paused ever and again, to rest her bundle and get her breath and stare back at the little cottage beside the pine-wood below. and when at last, when she was near the crest of the hill, she saw afar off three several wasps dropping heavily westward, it helped her greatly on her way. she soon got out of the open and in the high banked lane beyond (which seemed a safer place to her), and so up by hickleybrow coombe to the downs. there at the foot of the downs where a big tree gave an air of shelter she rested for a space on a stile. then on again very resolutely.... you figure her, i hope, with her white bundle, a sort of erect black ant, hurrying along the little white path-thread athwart the downland slopes under the hot sun of the summer afternoon. on she struggled after her resolute indefatigable nose, and the poppies in her bonnet quivered perpetually and her spring-side boots grew whiter and whiter with the downland dust. flip-flap, flip-flap went her footfalls through the still heat of the day, and persistently, incurably, her umbrella sought to slip from under the elbow that retained it. the mouth wrinkle under her nose was pursed to an extreme resolution, and ever and again she told her umbrella to come up or gave her tightly clutched bundle a vindictive jerk. and at times her lips mumbled with fragments of some foreseen argument between herself and skinner. and far away, miles and miles away, a steeple and a hanger grew insensibly out of the vague blue to mark more and more distinctly the quiet corner where cheasing eyebright sheltered from the tumult of the world, recking little or nothing of the herakleophorbia concealed in that white bundle that struggled so persistently towards its orderly retirement. vii. so far as i can gather, the pullets came into hickleybrow about three o'clock in the afternoon. their coming must have been a brisk affair, though nobody was out in the street to see it. the violent bellowing of little skelmersdale seems to have been the first announcement of anything out of the way. miss durgan of the post office was at the window as usual, and saw the hen that had caught the unhappy child, in violent flight up the street with its victim, closely pursued by two others. you know that swinging stride of the emancipated athletic latter-day pullet! you know the keen insistence of the hungry hen! there was plymouth rock in these birds, i am told, and even without herakleophorbia that is a gaunt and striding strain. probably miss durgan was not altogether taken by surprise. in spite of mr. bensington's insistence upon secrecy, rumours of the great chicken mr. skinner was producing had been about the village for some weeks. "lor!" she cried, "it's what i expected." she seems to have behaved with great presence of mind. she snatched up the sealed bag of letters that was waiting to go on to urshot, and rushed out of the door at once. almost simultaneously mr. skelmersdale himself appeared down the village, gripping a watering-pot by the spout, and very white in the face. and, of course, in a moment or so every one in the village was rushing to the door or window. the spectacle of miss durgan all across the road, with the entire day's correspondence of hickleybrow in her hand, gave pause to the pullet in possession of master skelmersdale. she halted through one instant's indecision and then turned for the open gates of fulcher's yard. that instant was fatal. the second pullet ran in neatly, got possession of the child by a well-directed peck, and went over the wall into the vicarage garden. "charawk, chawk, chawk, chawk, chawk, chawk!" shrieked the hindmost hen, hit smartly by the watering-can mr. skelmersdale had thrown, and fluttered wildly over mrs. glue's cottage and so into the doctor's field, while the rest of those gargantuan birds pursued the pullet, in possession of the child across the vicarage lawn. "good heavens!" cried the curate, or (as some say) something much more manly, and ran, whirling his croquet mallet and shouting, to head off the chase. "stop, you wretch!" cried the curate, as though giant hens were the commonest facts in life. and then, finding he could not possibly intercept her, he hurled his mallet with all his might and main, and out it shot in a gracious curve within a foot or so of master skelmersdale's head and through the glass lantern of the conservatory. smash! the new conservatory! the vicar's wife's beautiful new conservatory! it frightened the hen. it might have frightened any one. she dropped her victim into a portugal laurel (from which he was presently extracted, disordered but, save for his less delicate garments, uninjured), made a flapping leap for the roof of fulcher's stables, put her foot through a weak place in the tiles, and descended, so to speak, out of the infinite into the contemplative quiet of mr. bumps the paralytic--who, it is now proved beyond all cavil, did, on this one occasion in his life, get down the entire length of his garden and indoors without any assistance whatever, bolt the door after him, and immediately relapse again into christian resignation and helpless dependence upon his wife.... the rest of the pullets were headed off by the other croquet players, and went through the vicar's kitchen garden into the doctor's field, to which rendezvous the fifth also came at last, clucking disconsolately after an unsuccessful attempt to walk on the cucumber frames in mr. witherspoon's place. they seem to have stood about in a hen-like manner for a time, and scratched a little and chirrawked meditatively, and then one pecked at and pecked over a hive of the doctor's bees, and after that they set off in a gawky, jerky, feathery, fitful sort of way across the fields towards urshot, and hickleybrow street saw them no more. near urshot they really came upon commensurate food in a field of swedes; and pecked for a space with gusto, until their fame overtook them. the chief immediate reaction of this astonishing irruption of gigantic poultry upon the human mind was to arouse an extraordinary passion to whoop and run and throw things, and in quite a little time almost all the available manhood of hickleybrows and several ladies, were out with a remarkable assortment of flappish and whangable articles in hand--to commence the scooting of the giant hens. they drove them into urshot, where there was a rural fete, and urshot took them as the crowning glory of a happy day. they began to be shot at near findon beeches, but at first only with a rook rifle. of course birds of that size could absorb an unlimited quantity of small shot without inconvenience. they scattered somewhere near sevenoaks, and near tonbridge one of them fled clucking for a time in excessive agitation, somewhat ahead of and parallel with the afternoon boat express--to the great astonishment of every one therein. and about half-past five two of them were caught very cleverly by a circus proprietor at tunbridge wells, who lured them into a cage, rendered vacant through the death of a widowed dromedary, by scattering cakes and bread.... viii. when the unfortunate skinner got out of the south-eastern train at urshot that evening it was already nearly dusk. the train was late, but not inordinately late--and mr. skinner remarked as much to the station-master. perhaps he saw a certain pregnancy in the station-master's eye. after the briefest hesitation and with a confidential movement of his hand to the side of his mouth he asked if "anything" had happened that day. "how d'yer _mean_?" said the station-master, a man with a hard, emphatic voice. "thethe 'ere waptheth and thingth." "we 'aven't 'ad much time to think of _waptheth_," said the station-master agreeably. "we've been too busy with your brasted 'ens," and he broke the news of the pullets to mr. skinner as one might break the window of an adverse politician. "you ain't 'eard anything of mithith thkinner?" asked skinner, amidst that missile shower of pithy information and comment. "no fear!" said the station-master--as though even he drew the line somewhere in the matter of knowledge. "i mutht make inquireth bout thith," said mr. skinner, edging out of reach of the station-master's concluding generalisations about the responsibility attaching to the excessive nurture of hens.... going through urshot mr. skinner was hailed by a lime-burner from the pits over by hankey and asked if he was looking for his hens. "you ain't 'eard anything of mithith thkinner?" he asked. the lime-burner--his exact phrases need not concern us--expressed his superior interest in hens.... it was already dark--as dark at least as a clear night in the english june can be--when skinner--or his head at any rate--came into the bar of the jolly drovers and said: "ello! you 'aven't 'eard anything of thith 'ere thtory bout my 'enth, 'ave you?" "oh, _'aven't_ we!" said mr. fulcher. "why, part of the story's been and bust into my stable roof and one chapter smashed a 'ole in missis vicar's green 'ouse--i beg 'er pardon--conservarratory." skinner came in. "i'd like thomething a little comforting," he said, "'ot gin and water'th about my figure," and everybody began to tell him things about the pullets. "_grathuth_ me!" said skinner. "you 'aven't 'eard anything about mithith thkinner, 'ave you?" he asked in a pause. "that we 'aven't!" said mr. witherspoon. "we 'aven't thought of 'er. we ain't thought nothing of either of you." "ain't you been 'ome to-day?" asked fulcher over a tankard. "if one of those brasted birds 'ave pecked 'er," began mr. witherspoon and left the full horror to their unaided imaginations.... it appeared to the meeting at the time that it would be an interesting end to an eventful day to go on with skinner and see if anything _had_ happened to mrs. skinner. one never knows what luck one may have when accidents are at large. but skinner, standing at the bar and drinking his hot gin and water, with one eye roving over the things at the back of the bar and the other fixed on the absolute, missed the psychological moment. "i thuppothe there 'athen't been any trouble with any of thethe big waptheth to-day anywhere?" he asked, with an elaborate detachment of manner. "been too busy with your 'ens," said fulcher. "i thuppothe they've all gone in now anyhow," said skinner. "what--the 'ens?" "i wath thinking of the waptheth more particularly," said skinner. and then, with, an air of circumspection that would have awakened suspicion in a week-old baby, and laying the accent heavily on most of the words he chose, he asked, "i _thuppothe nobody_ 'athn't '_eard_ of any other _big_ thingth, about, 'ave they? big _dogth_ or _catth_ or anything of _that_ thort? theemth to me if thereth big henth and big waptheth comin' on--" he laughed with a fine pretence of talking idly. but a brooding expression came upon the faces of the hickleybrow men. fulcher was the first to give their condensing thought the concrete shape of words. "a cat to match them 'ens--" said fulcher. "ay!" said witherspoon, "a cat to match they 'ens." "'twould be a tiger," said fulcher. "more'n a tiger," said witherspoon.... when at last skinner followed the lonely footpath over the swelling field that separated hickleybrow from the sombre pine-shaded hollow in whose black shadows the gigantic canary-creeper grappled silently with the experimental farm, he followed it alone. he was distinctly seen to rise against the sky-line, against the warm clear immensity of the northern sky--for so far public interest followed him--and to descend again into the night, into an obscurity from which it would seem he will nevermore emerge. he passed--into a mystery. no one knows to this day what happened to him after he crossed the brow. when later on the two fulchers and witherspoon, moved by their own imaginations, came up the hill and stared after him, the flight had swallowed him up altogether. the three men stood close. there was not a sound out of the wooded blackness that hid the farm from their eyes. "it's all right," said young fulcher, ending a silence. "don't see any lights," said witherspoon. "you wouldn't from here." "it's misty," said the elder fulcher. they meditated for a space. "'e'd 'ave come back if anything was wrong," said young fulcher, and this seemed so obvious and conclusive that presently old fulcher said, "well," and the three went home to bed--thoughtfully i will admit.... a shepherd out by huckster's farm heard a squealing in the night that he thought was foxes, and in the morning one of his lambs had been killed, dragged halfway towards hickleybrow and partially devoured.... the inexplicable part of it all is the absence of any indisputable remains of skinner! many weeks after, amidst the charred ruins of the experimental farm, there was found something which may or may not have been a human shoulder-blade and in another part of the ruins a long bone greatly gnawed and equally doubtful. near the stile going up towards eyebright there was found a glass eye, and many people discovered thereupon that skinner owed much of his personal charm to such a possession. it stared out upon the world with that same inevitable effect of detachment, that same severe melancholy that had been the redemption of his else worldly countenance. and about the ruins industrious research discovered the metal rings and charred coverings of two linen buttons, three shanked buttons entire, and one of that metallic sort which is used in the less conspicuous sutures of the human oeconomy. these remains have been accepted by persons in authority as conclusive of a destroyed and scattered skinner, but for my own entire conviction, and in view of his distinctive idiosyncrasy, i must confess i should prefer fewer buttons and more bones. the glass eye of course has an air of extreme conviction, but if it really _is_ skinner's--and even mrs. skinner did not certainly know if that immobile eye of his was glass--something has changed it from a liquid brown to a serene and confident blue. that shoulder-blade is an extremely doubtful document, and i would like to put it side by side with the gnawed scapulae of a few of the commoner domestic animals before i admitted its humanity. and where were skinner's boots, for example? perverted and strange as a rat's appetite must be, is it conceivable that the same creatures that could leave a lamb only half eaten, would finish up skinner--hair, bones, teeth, and boots? i have closely questioned as many as i could of those who knew skinner at all intimately, and they one and all agree that they cannot imagine _anything_ eating him. he was the sort of man, as a retired seafaring person living in one of mr. w.w. jacobs' cottages at dunton green told me, with a guarded significance of manner not uncommon in those parts, who would "get washed up anyhow," and as regards _the_ devouring element was "fit to put a fire out." he considered that skinner would be as safe on a raft as anywhere. the retired seafaring man added that he wished to say nothing whatever against skinner; facts were facts. and rather than have his clothes made by skinner, the retired seafaring man remarked he would take his chance of being locked up. these observations certainly do not present skinner in the light of an appetising object. to be perfectly frank with the reader, i do not believe he ever went back to the experimental farm. i believe he hovered through long hesitations about the fields of the hickleybrow glebe, and finally, when that squealing began, took the line of least resistance out of his perplexities into the incognito. and in the incognito, whether of this or of some other world unknown to us, he obstinately and quite indisputably has remained to this day.... chapter the third. the giant rats. i. it was two nights after the disappearance of mr. skinner that the podbourne doctor was out late near hankey, driving in his buggy. he had been up all night assisting another undistinguished citizen into this curious world of ours, and his task accomplished, he was driving homeward in a drowsy mood enough. it was about two o'clock in the morning, and the waning moon was rising. the summer night had gone cold, and there was a low-lying whitish mist that made things indistinct. he was quite alone--for his coachman was ill in bed--and there was nothing to be seen on either hand but a drifting mystery of hedge running athwart the yellow glare of his lamps, and nothing to hear but the clitter-clatter of his horses and the gride and hedge echo of his wheels. his horse was as trustworthy as himself, and one does not wonder that he dozed.... you know that intermittent drowsing as one sits, the drooping of the head, the nodding to the rhythm of the wheels then chin upon the breast, and at once the sudden start up again. _pitter, litter, patter_. "what was that?" it seemed to the doctor he had heard a thin shrill squeal close at hand. for a moment he was quite awake. he said a word or two of undeserved rebuke to his horse, and looked about him. he tried to persuade himself that he had heard the distant squeal of a fox--or perhaps a young rabbit gripped by a ferret. _swish, swish, swish, pitter, patter, swish_--... what was that? he felt he was getting fanciful. he shook his shoulders and told his horse to get on. he listened, and heard nothing. or was it nothing? he had the queerest impression that something had just peeped over the hedge at him, a queer big head. with round ears! he peered hard, but he could see nothing. "nonsense," said he. he sat up with an idea that he had dropped into a nightmare, gave his horse the slightest touch of the whip, spoke to it and peered again over the hedge. the glare of his lamp, however, together with the mist, rendered things indistinct, and he could distinguish nothing. it came into his head, he says, that there could be nothing there, because if there was his horse would have shied at it. yet for all that his senses remained nervously awake. then he heard quite distinctly a soft pattering of feet in pursuit along the road. he would not believe his ears about that. he could not look round, for the road had a sinuous curve just there. he whipped up his horse and glanced sideways again. and then he saw quite distinctly where a ray from his lamp leapt a low stretch of hedge, the curved back of--some big animal, he couldn't tell what, going along in quick convulsive leaps. he says he thought of the old tales of witchcraft--the thing was so utterly unlike any animal he knew, and he tightened his hold on the reins for fear of the fear of his horse. educated man as he was, he admits he asked himself if this could be something that his horse could not see. ahead, and drawing near in silhouette against the rising moon, was the outline of the little hamlet of hankey, comforting, though it showed never a light, and he cracked his whip and spoke again, and then in a flash the rats were at him! he had passed a gate, and as he did so, the foremost rat came leaping over into the road. the thing sprang upon him out of vagueness into the utmost clearness, the sharp, eager, round-eared face, the long body exaggerated by its movement; and what particularly struck him, the pink, webbed forefeet of the beast. what must have made it more horrible to him at the time was, that he had no idea the thing was any created beast he knew. he did not recognise it as a rat, because of the size. his horse gave a bound as the thing dropped into the road beside it. the little lane woke into tumult at the report of the whip and the doctor's shout. the whole thing suddenly went fast. _rattle-clatter, clash, clatter_. the doctor, one gathers, stood up, shouted to his horse, and slashed with all his strength. the rat winced and swerved most reassuringly at his blow--in the glare of his lamp he could see the fur furrow under the lash--and he slashed again and again, heedless and unaware of the second pursuer that gained upon his off side. he let the reins go, and glanced back to discover the third rat in pursuit behind.... his horse bounded forward. the buggy leapt high at a rut. for a frantic minute perhaps everything seemed to be going in leaps and bounds.... it was sheer good luck the horse came down in hankey, and not either before or after the houses had been passed. no one knows how the horse came down, whether it stumbled or whether the rat on the off side really got home with one of those slashing down strokes of the teeth (given with the full weight of the body); and the doctor never discovered that he himself was bitten until he was inside the brickmaker's house, much less did he discover when the bite occurred, though bitten he was and badly--a long slash like the slash of a double tomahawk that had cut two parallel ribbons of flesh from his left shoulder. he was standing up in his buggy at one moment, and in the next he had leapt to the ground, with his ankle, though he did not know it, badly sprained, and he was cutting furiously at a third rat that was flying directly at him. he scarcely remembers the leap he must have made over the top of the wheel as the buggy came over, so obliteratingly hot and swift did his impressions rush upon him. i think myself the horse reared up with the rat biting again at its throat, and fell sideways, and carried the whole affair over; and that the doctor sprang, as it were, instinctively. as the buggy came down, the receiver of the lamp smashed, and suddenly poured a flare of blazing oil, a thud of white flame, into the struggle. that was the first thing the brickmaker saw. he had heard the clatter of the doctor's approach and--though the doctor's memory has nothing of this--wild shouting. he had got out of bed hastily, and as he did so came the terrific smash, and up shot the glare outside the rising blind. "it was brighter than day," he says. he stood, blind cord in hand, and stared out of the window at a nightmare transformation of the familiar road before him. the black figure of the doctor with its whirling whip danced out against the flame. the horse kicked indistinctly, half hidden by the blaze, with a rat at its throat. in the obscurity against the churchyard wall, the eyes of a second monster shone wickedly. another--a mere dreadful blackness with red-lit eyes and flesh-coloured hands--clutched unsteadily on the wall coping to which it had leapt at the flash of the exploding lamp. you know the keen face of a rat, those two sharp teeth, those pitiless eyes. seen magnified to near six times its linear dimensions, and still more magnified by darkness and amazement and the leaping fancies of a fitful blaze, it must have been an ill sight for the brickmaker--still more than half asleep. then the doctor had grasped the opportunity, that momentary respite the flare afforded, and was out of the brickmaker's sight below battering the door with the butt of his whip.... the brickmaker would not let him in until he had got a light. there are those who have blamed the man for that, but until i know my own courage better, i hesitate to join their number. the doctor yelled and hammered.... the brickmaker says he was weeping with terror when at last the door was opened. "bolt," said the doctor, "bolt"--he could not say "bolt the door." he tried to help, and was of no service. the brickmaker fastened the door, and the doctor had to sit on the chair beside the clock for a space before he could go upstairs.... "i don't know what they _are_!" he repeated several times. "i don't know what they _are_"--with a high note on the "are." the brickmaker would have got him whisky, but the doctor would not be left alone with nothing but a flickering light just then. it was long before the brickmaker could get him to go upstairs.... and when the fire was out the giant rats came back, took the dead horse, dragged it across the churchyard into the brickfield and ate at it until it was dawn, none even then daring to disturb them.... ii. redwood went round, to bensington about eleven the next morning with the "second editions" of three evening papers in his hand. bensington looked up from a despondent meditation over the forgotten pages of the most distracting novel the brompton road librarian had been able to find him. "anything fresh?" he asked. "two men stung near chartham." "they ought to let us smoke out that nest. they really did. it's their own fault." "it's their own fault, certainly," said redwood. "have you heard anything--about buying the farm?" "the house agent," said redwood, "is a thing with a big mouth and made of dense wood. it pretends someone else is after the house--it always does, you know--and won't understand there's a hurry. 'this is a matter of life and death,' i said, 'don't you understand?' it drooped its eyes half shut and said, 'then why don't you go the other two hundred pounds?' i'd rather live in a world of solid wasps than give in to the stonewalling stupidity of that offensive creature. i--" he paused, feeling that a sentence like that might very easily be spoiled by its context. "it's too much to hope," said bensington, "that one of the wasps--" "the wasp has no more idea of public utility than a--than a house agent," said redwood. he talked for a little while about house agents and solicitors and people of that sort, in the unjust, unreasonable way that so many people do somehow get to talk of these business calculi ("of all the cranky things in this cranky world, it is the most cranky to my mind of all, that while we expect honour, courage, efficiency, from a doctor or a soldier as a matter of course, a solicitor or a house agent is not only permitted but expected to display nothing but a sort of greedy, greasy, obstructive, over-reaching imbecility--" etc.)--and then, greatly relieved, he went to the window and stared out at the sloane street traffic. bensington had put the most exciting novel conceivable on the little table that carried his electric standard. he joined the fingers of his opposed hands very carefully and regarded them. "redwood," he said. "do they say much about _us_?" "not so much as i should expect." "they don't denounce us at all?" "not a bit. but, on the other hand, they don't back up what i point out must be done. i've written to the _times_, you know, explaining the whole thing--" "we take the _daily chronicle_," said bensington. "and the _times_ has a long leader on the subject--a very high-class, well-written leader, with three pieces of _times_ latin--_status quo_ is one--and it reads like the voice of somebody impersonal of the greatest importance suffering from influenza headache and talking through sheets and sheets of felt without getting any relief from it whatever. reading between the lines, you know, it's pretty clear that the _times_ considers that it is useless to mince matters, and that something (indefinite of course) has to be done at once. otherwise still more undesirable consequences--_times_ english, you know, for more wasps and stings. thoroughly statesmanlike article!" "and meanwhile this bigness is spreading in all sorts of ugly ways." "precisely." "i wonder if skinner was right about those big rats--" "oh no! that would be too much," said redwood. he came and stood by bensington's chair. "by-the-bye," he said, with a slightly lowered voice, "how does _she_--?" he indicated the closed door. "cousin jane? she simply knows nothing about it. doesn't connect us with it and won't read the articles. 'gigantic wasps!' she says, 'i haven't patience to read the papers.'" "that's very fortunate," said redwood. "i suppose--mrs. redwood--?" "no," said redwood, "just at present it happens--she's terribly worried about the child. you know, he keeps on." "growing?" "yes. put on forty-one ounces in ten days. weighs nearly four stone. and only six months old! naturally rather alarming." "healthy?" "vigorous. his nurse is leaving because he kicks so forcibly. and everything, of course, shockingly outgrown. everything, you know, has had to be made fresh, clothes and everything. perambulator--light affair--broke one wheel, and the youngster had to be brought home on the milkman's hand-truck. yes. quite a crowd.... and we've put georgina phyllis back into his cot and put him into the bed of georgina phyllis. his mother--naturally alarmed. proud at first and inclined to praise winkles. not now. feels the thing _can't_ be wholesome. _you_ know." "i imagined you were going to put him on diminishing doses." "i tried it." "didn't it work?" "howls. in the ordinary way the cry of a child is loud and distressing; it is for the good of the species that this should be so--but since he has been on the herakleophorbia treatment---" "mm," said bensington, regarding his fingers with more resignation than he had hitherto displayed. "practically the thing _must_ come out. people will hear of this child, connect it up with our hens and things, and the whole thing will come round to my wife.... how she will take it i haven't the remotest idea." "it _is_ difficult," said mr. bensington, "to form any plan--certainly." he removed his glasses and wiped them carefully. "it is another instance," he generalised, "of the thing that is continually happening. we--if indeed i may presume to the adjective--_scientific_ men--we work of course always for a theoretical result--a purely theoretical result. but, incidentally, we do set forces in operation--_new_ forces. we mustn't control them--and nobody else _can_. practically, redwood, the thing is out of our hands. _we_ supply the material--" "and they," said redwood, turning to the window, "get the experience." "so far as this trouble down in kent goes i am not disposed to worry further." "unless they worry us." "exactly. and if they like to muddle about with solicitors and pettifoggers and legal obstructions and weighty considerations of the tomfool order, until they have got a number of new gigantic species of vermin well established--things always _have_ been in a muddle, redwood." redwood traced a twisted, tangled line in the air. "and our real interest lies at present with your boy." redwood turned about and came and stared at his collaborator. "what do you think of him, bensington? you can look at this business with a greater detachment than i can. what am i to do about him?" "go on feeding him." "on herakleophorbia?" "on herakleophorbia." "and then he'll grow." "he'll grow, as far as i can calculate from the hens and the wasps, to the height of about five-and-thirty feet--with everything in proportion---" "and then what'll he do?" "that," said mr. bensington, "is just what makes the whole thing so interesting." "confound it, man! think of his clothes." "and when he's grown up," said redwood, "he'll only be one solitary gulliver in a pigmy world." mr. bensington's eye over his gold rim was pregnant. "why solitary?" he said, and repeated still more darkly, "_why_ solitary?" "but you don't propose---?" "i said," said mr. bensington, with the self-complacency of a man who has produced a good significant saying, "why solitary?" "meaning that one might bring up other children---?" "meaning nothing beyond my inquiry." redwood began to walk about the room. "of course," he said, "one might--but still! what are we coming to?" bensington evidently enjoyed his line of high intellectual detachment. "the thing that interests me most, redwood, of all this, is to think that his brain at the top of him will also, so far as my reasoning goes, be five-and-thirty feet or so above our level.... what's the matter?" redwood stood at the window and stared at a news placard on a paper-cart that rattled up the street. "what's the matter?" repeated bensington, rising. redwood exclaimed violently. "what is it?" said bensington. "get a paper," said redwood, moving doorward. "why?" "get a paper. something--i didn't quite catch--gigantic rats--!" "rats?" "yes, rats. skinner was right after all!" "what do you mean?" "how the deuce am _i_ to know till i see a paper? great rats! good lord! i wonder if he's eaten!" he glanced for his hat, and decided to go hatless. as he rushed downstairs two steps at a time, he could hear along the street the mighty howlings, to and fro, of the hooligan paper-sellers making a boom. "'orrible affair in kent--'orrible affair in kent. doctor ... eaten by rats. 'orrible affair--'orrible affair--rats--eaten by stchewpendous rats. full perticulars--'orrible affair." iii. cossar, the well-known civil engineer, found them in the great doorway of the flat mansions, redwood holding out the damp pink paper, and bensington on tiptoe reading over his arm. cossar was a large-bodied man with gaunt inelegant limbs casually placed at convenient corners of his body, and a face like a carving abandoned at an early stage as altogether too unpromising for completion. his nose had been left square, and his lower jaw projected beyond his upper. he breathed audibly. few people considered him handsome. his hair was entirely tangential, and his voice, which he used sparingly, was pitched high, and had commonly a quality of bitter protest. he wore a grey cloth jacket suit and a silk hat on all occasions. he plumbed an abysmal trouser pocket with a vast red hand, paid his cabman, and came panting resolutely up the steps, a copy of the pink paper clutched about the middle, like jove's thunderbolt, in his hand. "skinner?" bensington was saying, regardless of his approach. "nothing about him," said redwood. "bound to be eaten. both of them. it's too terrible.... hullo! cossar!" "this your stuff?" asked cossar, waving the paper. "well, why don't you stop it?" he demanded. "_can't_ be jiggered!" said cossar. "_buy the place_?" he cried. "what nonsense! burn it! i knew you chaps would fumble this. _what are you to do_? why--what i tell you. "_you_? do? why! go up the street to the gunsmith's, of course. _why_? for guns. yes--there's only one shop. get eight guns! rifles. not elephant guns--no! too big. not army rifles--too small. say it's to kill--kill a bull. say it's to shoot buffalo! see? eh? rats? no! how the deuce are they to understand that? because we _want_ eight. get a lot of ammunition. don't get guns without ammunition--no! take the lot in a cab to--where's the place? _urshot_? charing cross, then. there's a train---well, the first train that starts after two. think you can do it? all right. license? get eight at a post-office, of course. gun licenses, you know. not game. why? it's rats, man. "you--bensington. got a telephone? yes. i'll ring up five of my chaps from ealing. _why_ five? because it's the right number! "where you going, redwood? get a hat! _nonsense_. have mine. you want guns, man--not hats. got money? enough? all right. so long. "where's the telephone, bensington?" bensington wheeled about obediently and led the way. cossar used and replaced the instrument. "then there's the wasps," he said. "sulphur and nitre'll do that. obviously. plaster of paris. you're a chemist. where can i get sulphur by the ton in portable sacks? _what_ for? why, lord _bless_ my heart and soul!--to smoke out the nest, of course! i suppose it must be sulphur, eh? you're a chemist. sulphur best, eh?" "yes, i should _think_ sulphur." "nothing better?" "right. that's your job. that's all right. get as much sulphur as you can--saltpetre to make it burn. sent? charing cross. right away. see they do it. follow it up. anything?" he thought a moment. "plaster of paris--any sort of plaster--bung up nest--holes--you know. that _i'd_ better get." "how much?" "how much what?" "sulphur." "ton. see?" bensington tightened his glasses with a hand tremulous with determination. "right," he said, very curtly. "money in your pocket?" asked cossar. "hang cheques. they may not know you. pay cash. obviously. where's your bank? all right. stop on the way and get forty pounds--notes and gold." another meditation. "if we leave this job for public officials we shall have all kent in tatters," said cossar. "now is there--anything? _no! hi_!" he stretched a vast hand towards a cab that became convulsively eager to serve him ("cab, sir?" said the cabman. "obviously," said cossar); and bensington, still hatless, paddled down the steps and prepared to mount. "i _think_," he said, with his hand on the cab apron, and a sudden glance up at the windows of his flat, "i _ought_ to tell my cousin jane--" "more time to tell her when you come back," said cossar, thrusting him in with a vast hand expanded over his back.... "clever chaps," remarked cossar, "but no initiative whatever. cousin jane indeed! i know her. rot, these cousin janes! country infested with 'em. i suppose i shall have to spend the whole blessed night, seeing they do what they know perfectly well they ought to do all along. i wonder if it's research makes 'em like that or cousin jane or what?" he dismissed this obscure problem, meditated for a space upon his watch, and decided there would be just time to drop into a restaurant and get some lunch before he hunted up the plaster of paris and took it to charing cross. the train started at five minutes past three, and he arrived at charing cross at a quarter to three, to find bensington in heated argument between two policemen and his van-driver outside, and redwood in the luggage office involved in some technical obscurity about his ammunition. everybody was pretending not to know anything or to have any authority, in the way dear to south-eastern officials when they catch you in a hurry. "pity they can't shoot all these officials and get a new lot," remarked cossar with a sigh. but the time was too limited for anything fundamental, and so he swept through these minor controversies, disinterred what may or may not have been the station-master from some obscure hiding-place, walked about the premises holding him and giving orders in his name, and was out of the station with everybody and everything aboard before that official was fully awake to the breaches in the most sacred routines and regulations that were being committed. "who _was_ he?" said the high official, caressing the arm cossar had gripped, and smiling with knit brows. "'e was a gentleman, sir," said a porter, "anyhow. 'im and all 'is party travelled first class." "well, we got him and his stuff off pretty sharp--whoever he was," said the high official, rubbing his arm with something approaching satisfaction. and as he walked slowly back, blinking in the unaccustomed daylight, towards that dignified retirement in which the higher officials at charing cross shelter from the importunity of the vulgar, he smiled still at his unaccustomed energy. it was a very gratifying revelation of his own possibilities, in spite of the stiffness of his arm. he wished some of those confounded arm-chair critics of railway management could have seen it. iv. by five o'clock that evening this amazing cossar, with no appearance of hurry at all, had got all the stuff for his fight with insurgent bigness out of urshot and on the road to hickleybrow. two barrels of paraffin and a load of dry brushwood he had bought in urshot; plentiful sacks of sulphur, eight big game guns and ammunition, three light breechloaders, with small-shot ammunition for the wasps, a hatchet, two billhooks, a pick and three spades, two coils of rope, some bottled beer, soda and whisky, one gross of packets of rat poison, and cold provisions for three days, had come down from london. all these things he had sent on in a coal trolley and a hay waggon in the most business-like way, except the guns and ammunition, which were stuck under the seat of the red lion waggonette appointed to bring on redwood and the five picked men who had come up from ealing at cossar's summons. cossar conducted all these transactions with an invincible air of commonplace, in spite of the fact that urshot was in a panic about the rats, and all the drivers had to be specially paid. all the shops were shut in the place, and scarcely a soul abroad in the street, and when he banged at a door a window was apt to open. he seemed to consider that the conduct of business from open windows was an entirely legitimate and obvious method. finally he and bensington got the red lion dog-cart and set off with the waggonette, to overtake the baggage. they did this a little beyond the cross-roads, and so reached hickleybrow first. bensington, with a gun between his knees, sitting beside cossar in the dog-cart, developed a long germinated amazement. all they were doing was, no doubt, as cossar insisted, quite the obvious thing to do, only--! in england one so rarely does the obvious thing. he glanced from his neighbour's feet to the boldly sketched hands upon the reins. cossar had apparently never driven before, and he was keeping the line of least resistance down the middle of the road by some no doubt quite obvious but certainly unusual light of his own. "why don't we all do the obvious?" thought bensington. "how the world would travel if one did! i wonder for instance why i don't do such a lot of things i know would be all right to do--things i _want_ to do. is everybody like that, or is it peculiar to me!" he plunged into obscure speculation about the will. he thought of the complex organised futilities of the daily life, and in contrast with them the plain and manifest things to do, the sweet and splendid things to do, that some incredible influences will never permit us to do. cousin jane? cousin jane he perceived was important in the question, in some subtle and difficult way. why should we after all eat, drink, and sleep, remain unmarried, go here, abstain from going there, all out of deference to cousin jane? she became symbolical without ceasing to be incomprehensible! a stile and a path across the fields caught his eye and reminded him of that other bright day, so recent in time, so remote in its emotions, when he had walked from urshot to the experimental farm to see the giant chicks. fate plays with us. "tcheck, tcheck," said cossar. "get up." it was a hot midday afternoon, not a breath of wind, and the dust was thick in the roads. few people were about, but the deer beyond the park palings browsed in profound tranquillity. they saw a couple of big wasps stripping a gooseberry bush just outside hickleybrow, and another was crawling up and down the front of the little grocer's shop in the village street trying to find an entry. the grocer was dimly visible within, with an ancient fowling-piece in hand, watching its endeavours. the driver of the waggonette pulled up outside the jolly drovers and informed redwood that his part of the bargain was done. in this contention he was presently joined by the drivers of the waggon and the trolley. not only did they maintain this, but they refused to let the horses be taken further. "them big rats is nuts on 'orses," the trolley driver kept on repeating. cossar surveyed the controversy for a moment. "get the things out of that waggonette," he said, and one of his men, a tall, fair, dirty engineer, obeyed. "gimme that shot gun," said cossar. he placed himself between the drivers. "we don't want _you_ to drive," he said. "you can say what you like," he conceded, "but we want these horses." they began to argue, but he continued speaking. "if you try and assault us i shall, in self-defence, let fly at your legs. the horses are going on." he treated the incident as closed. "get up on that waggon, flack," he said to a thickset, wiry little man. "boon, take the trolley." the two drivers blustered to redwood. "you've done your duty to your employers," said redwood. "you stop in this village until we come back. no one will blame you, seeing we've got guns. we've no wish to do anything unjust or violent, but this occasion is pressing. i'll pay if anything happens to the horses, never fear." "_that's_ all right," said cossar, who rarely promised. they left the waggonette behind, and the men who were not driving went afoot. over each shoulder sloped a gun. it was the oddest little expedition for an english country road, more like a yankee party, trekking west in the good old indian days. they went up the road, until at the crest by the stile they came into sight of the experimental farm. they found a little group of men there with a gun or so--the two fulchers were among them--and one man, a stranger from maidstone, stood out before the others and watched the place through an opera-glass. these men turned about and stared at redwood's party. "anything fresh?" said cossar. "the waspses keeps a comin' and a goin'," said old fulcher. "can't see as they bring anything." "the canary creeper's got in among the pine trees now," said the man with the lorgnette. "it wasn't there this morning. you can see it grow while you watch it." he took out a handkerchief and wiped his object-glasses with careful deliberation. "i reckon you're going down there," ventured skelmersdale. "will you come?" said cossar. skelmersdale seemed to hesitate. "it's an all-night job." skelmersdale decided that he wouldn't. "rats about?" asked cossar. "one was up in the pines this morning--rabbiting, we reckon." cossar slouched on to overtake his party. bensington, regarding the experimental farm under his hand, was able to gauge now the vigour of the food. his first impression was that the house was smaller than he had thought--very much smaller; his second was to perceive that all the vegetation between the house and the pine-wood had become extremely large. the roof over the well peeped amidst tussocks of grass a good eight feet high, and the canary creeper wrapped about the chimney stack and gesticulated with stiff tendrils towards the heavens. its flowers were vivid yellow splashes, distinctly visible as separate specks this mile away. a great green cable had writhed across the big wire enclosures of the giant hens' run, and flung twining leaf stems about two outstanding pines. fully half as tall as these was the grove of nettles running round behind the cart-shed. the whole prospect, as they drew nearer, became more and more suggestive of a raid of pigmies upon a dolls' house that has been left in a neglected corner of some great garden. there was a busy coming and going from the wasps' nest, they saw. a swarm of black shapes interlaced in the air, above the rusty hill-front beyond the pine cluster, and ever and again one of these would dart up into the sky with incredible swiftness and soar off upon some distant quest. their humming became audible at more than half a mile's distance from the experimental farm. once a yellow-striped monster dropped towards them and hung for a space watching them with its great compound eyes, but at an ineffectual shot from cossar it darted off again. down in a corner of the field, away to the right, several were crawling about over some ragged bones that were probably the remains of the lamb the rats had brought from huxter's farm. the horses became very restless as they drew near these creatures. none of the party was an expert driver, and they had to put a man to lead each horse and encourage it with the voice. they could see nothing of the rats as they came up to the house, and everything seemed perfectly still except for the rising and falling "whoozzzzzzzzz, whoooo-zoo-oo" of the wasps' nest. they led the horses into the yard, and one of cossar's men, seeing the door open--the whole of the middle portion of the door had been gnawed out--walked into the house. nobody missed him for the time, the rest being occupied with the barrels of paraffin, and the first intimation they had of his separation from them was the report of his gun and the whizz of his bullet. "bang, bang," both barrels, and his first bullet it seems went through the cask of sulphur, smashed out a stave from the further side, and filled the air with yellow dust. redwood had kept his gun in hand and let fly at something grey that leapt past him. he had a vision of the broad hind-quarters, the long scaly tail and long soles of the hind-feet of a rat, and fired his second barrel. he saw bensington drop as the beast vanished round the corner. then for a time everybody was busy with a gun. for three minutes lives were cheap at the experimental farm, and the banging of guns filled the air. redwood, careless of bensington in his excitement, rushed in pursuit, and was knocked headlong by a mass of brick fragments, mortar, plaster, and rotten lath splinters that came flying out at him as a bullet whacked through the wall. he found himself sitting on the ground with blood on his hands and lips, and a great stillness brooded over all about him. then a flattish voice from within the house remarked: "gee-whizz!" "hullo!" said redwood. "hullo there!" answered the voice. and then: "did you chaps get 'im?" a sense of the duties of friendship returned to redwood. "is mr. bensington hurt?" he said. the man inside heard imperfectly. "no one ain't to blame if i ain't," said the voice inside. it became clearer to redwood that he must have shot bensington. he forgot the cuts upon his face, arose and came back to find bensington seated on the ground and rubbing his shoulder. bensington looked over his glasses. "we peppered him, redwood," he said, and then: "he tried to jump over me, and knocked me down. but i let him have it with both barrels, and my! how it has hurt my shoulder, to be sure." a man appeared in the doorway. "i got him once in the chest and once in the side," he said. "where's the waggons?" said cossar, appearing amidst a thicket of gigantic canary-creeper leaves. it became evident, to redwood's amazement, first, that no one had been shot, and, secondly, that the trolley and waggon had shifted fifty yards, and were now standing with interlocked wheels amidst the tangled distortions of skinner's kitchen garden. the horses had stopped their plunging. half-way towards them, the burst barrel of sulphur lay in the path with a cloud of sulphur dust above it. he indicated this to cossar and walked towards it. "has any one seen that rat?" shouted cossar, following. "i got him in between the ribs once, and once in the face as he turned on me." they were joined by two men, as they worried at the locked wheels. "i killed that rat," said one of the men. "have they got him?" asked cossar. "jim bates has found him, beyond the hedge. i got him jest as he came round the corner.... whack behind the shoulder...." when things were a little ship-shape again redwood went and stared at the huge misshapen corpse. the brute lay on its side, with its body slightly bent. its rodent teeth overhanging its receding lower jaw gave its face a look of colossal feebleness, of weak avidity. it seemed not in the least ferocious or terrible. its fore-paws reminded him of lank emaciated hands. except for one neat round hole with a scorched rim on either side of its neck, the creature was absolutely intact. he meditated over this fact for some time. "there must have been two rats," he said at last, turning away. "yes. and the one that everybody hit--got away." "i am certain that my own shot--" a canary-creeper leaf tendril, engaged in that mysterious search for a holdfast which constitutes a tendril's career, bent itself engagingly towards his neck and made him step aside hastily. "whoo-z-z z-z-z-z-z-z-z," from the distant wasps' nest, "whoo oo zoo-oo." v. this incident left the party alert but not unstrung. they got their stores into the house, which had evidently been ransacked by the rats after the flight of mrs. skinner, and four of the men took the two horses back to hickleybrow. they dragged the dead rat through the hedge and into a position commanded by the windows of the house, and incidentally came upon a cluster of giant earwigs in the ditch. these creatures dispersed hastily, but cossar reached out incalculable limbs and managed to kill several with his boots and gun-butt. then two of the men hacked through several of the main stems of the canary creeper--huge cylinders they were, a couple of feet in diameter, that came out by the sink at the back; and while cossar set the house in order for the night, bensington, redwood, and one of the assistant electricians went cautiously round by the fowl runs in search of the rat-holes. they skirted the giant nettles widely, for these huge weeds threatened them with poison-thorns a good inch long. then round beyond the gnawed, dismantled stile they came abruptly on the huge cavernous throat of the most westerly of the giant rat-holes, an evil-smelling profundity, that drew them up into a line together. "i _hope_ they'll come out," said redwood, with a glance at the pent-house of the well. "if they don't--" reflected bensington. "they will," said redwood. they meditated. "we shall have to rig up some sort of flare if we _do_ go in," said redwood. they went up a little path of white sand through the pine-wood and halted presently within sight of the wasp-holes. the sun was setting now, and the wasps were coming home for good; their wings in the golden light made twirling haloes about them. the three men peered out from under the trees--they did not care to go right to the edge of the wood--and watched these tremendous insects drop and crawl for a little and enter and disappear. "they will be still in a couple of hours from now," said redwood.... "this is like being a boy again." "we can't miss those holes," said bensington, "even if the night is dark. by-the-bye--about the light--" "full moon," said the electrician. "i looked it up." they went back and consulted with cossar. he said that "obviously" they must get the sulphur, nitre, and plaster of paris through the wood before twilight, and for that they broke bulk and carried the sacks. after the necessary shouting of the preliminary directions, never a word was spoken, and as the buzzing of the wasps' nest died away there was scarcely a sound in the world but the noise of footsteps, the heavy breathing of burthened men, and the thud of the sacks. they all took turns at that labour except mr. bensington, who was manifestly unfit. he took post in the skinners' bedroom with a rifle, to watch the carcase of the dead rat, and of the others, they took turns to rest from sack-carrying and to keep watch two at a time upon the rat-holes behind the nettle grove. the pollen sacs of the nettles were ripe, and every now and then the vigil would be enlivened by the dehiscence of these, the bursting of the sacs sounding exactly like the crack of a pistol, and the pollen grains as big as buckshot pattered all about them. mr. bensington sat at his window on a hard horse-hair-stuffed arm-chair, covered by a grubby antimacassar that had given a touch of social distinction to the skinners' sitting-room for many years. his unaccustomed rifle rested on the sill, and his spectacles anon watched the dark bulk of the dead rat in the thickening twilight, anon wandered about him in curious meditation. there was a faint smell of paraffin without, for one of the casks leaked, and it mingled with a less unpleasant odour arising from the hacked and crushed creeper. within, when he turned his head, a blend of faint domestic scents, beer, cheese, rotten apples, and old boots as the leading _motifs_, was full of reminiscences of the vanished skinners. he regarded the dim room for a space. the furniture had been greatly disordered--perhaps by some inquisitive rat--but a coat upon a clothes-peg on the door, a razor and some dirty scraps of paper, and a piece of soap that had hardened through years of disuse into a horny cube, were redolent of skinner's distinctive personality. it came to bensington's mind with a complete novelty of realisation that in all probability the man had been killed and eaten, at least in part, by the monster that now lay dead there in the darkling. to think of all that a harmless-looking discovery in chemistry may lead to! here he was in homely england and yet in infinite danger, sitting out alone with a gun in a twilit, ruined house, remote from every comfort, his shoulder dreadfully bruised from a gun-kick, and--by jove! he grasped now how profoundly the order of the universe had changed for him. he had come right away to this amazing experience, _without even saying a word to his cousin jane_! what must she be thinking of him? he tried to imagine it and he could not. he had an extraordinary feeling that she and he were parted for ever and would never meet again. he felt he had taken a step and come into a world of new immensities. what other monsters might not those deepening shadows hide? the tips of the giant nettles came out sharp and black against the pale green and amber of the western sky. everything was very still--very still indeed. he wondered why he could not hear the others away there round the corner of the house. the shadow in the cart-shed was now an abysmal black. * * * * * _bang ... bang ... bang_. a sequence of echoes and a shout. a long silence. _bang_ and a _diminuendo_ of echoes. stillness. then, thank goodness! redwood and cossar were coming out of the inaudible darknesses, and redwood was calling "bensington!" "bensington! we've bagged another of the rats!" "cossar's bagged another of the rats!" vi. when the expedition had finished refreshment, the night had fully come. the stars were at their brightest, and a growing pallor towards hankey heralded the moon. the watch on the rat-holes had been maintained, but the watchers had shifted to the hill slope above the holes, feeling this a safer firing-point. they squatted there in a rather abundant dew, fighting the damp with whisky. the others rested in the house, and the three leaders discussed the night's work with the men. the moon rose towards midnight, and as soon as it was clear of the downs, every one except the rat-hole sentinels started off in single file, led by cossar, towards the wasps' nest. so far as the wasps' nest went, they found their task exceptionally easy--astonishingly easy. except that it was a longer labour, it was no graver affair than any common wasps' nest might have been. danger there was, no doubt, danger to life, but it never so much as thrust its head out of that portentous hillside. they stuffed in the sulphur and nitre, they bunged the holes soundly, and fired their trains. then with a common impulse all the party but cossar turned and ran athwart the long shadows of the pines, and, finding cossar had stayed behind, came to a halt together in a knot, a hundred yards away, convenient to a ditch that offered cover. just for a minute or two the moonlit night, all black and white, was heavy with a suffocated buzz, that rose and mingled to a roar, a deep abundant note, and culminated and died, and then almost incredibly the night was still. "by jove!" said bensington, almost in a whisper, "_it's done!_" all stood intent. the hillside above the black point-lace of the pine shadows seemed as bright as day and as colourless as snow. the setting plaster in the holes positively shone. cossar's loose framework moved towards them. "so far--" said cossar. crack--_bang_! a shot from near the house and then--stillness. "what's _that_?" said bensington. "one of the rats put its head out," suggested one of the men. "by-the-bye, we left our guns up there," said redwood. "by the sacks." every one began to walk towards the hill again. "that must be the rats," said bensington. "obviously," said cossar, gnawing his finger nails. _bang_! "hullo?" said one of the men. then abruptly came a shout, two shots, a loud shout that was almost a scream, three shots in rapid succession and a splintering of wood. all these sounds were very clear and very small in the immense stillness of the night. then for some moments nothing but a minute muffled confusion from the direction of the rat-holes, and then again a wild yell ... each man found himself running hard for the guns. two shots. bensington found himself, gun in hand, going hard through the pine trees after a number of receding backs. it is curious that the thought uppermost in his mind at that moment was the wish that his cousin jane could see him. his bulbous slashed boots flew out in wild strides, and his face was distorted into a permanent grin, because that wrinkled his nose and kept his glasses in place. also he held the muzzle of his gun projecting straight before him as he flew through the chequered moonlight. the man who had run away met them full tilt--he had dropped his gun. "hullo," said cossar, and caught him in his arms. "what's this?" "they came out together," said the man. "the rats?" "yes, six of them." "where's flack?" "down." "what's he say?" panted bensington, coming up, unheeded. "flack's down?" "he fell down." "they came out one after the other." "what?" "made a rush. i fired both barrels first." "you left flack?" "they were on to us." "come on," said cossar. "you come with us. where's flack? show us." the whole party moved forward. further details of the engagement dropped from the man who had run away. the others clustered about him, except cossar, who led. "where are they?" "back in their holes, perhaps. i cleared. they made a rush for their holes." "what do you mean? did you get behind them?" "we got down by their holes. saw 'em come out, you know, and tried to cut 'em off. they lolloped out--like rabbits. we ran down and let fly. they ran about wild after our first shot and suddenly came at us. _went_ for us." "how many?" "six or seven." cossar led the way to the edge of the pine-wood and halted. "d'yer mean they _got_ flack?" asked some one. "one of 'em was on to him." "didn't you shoot?" "how _could_ i?" "every one loaded?" said cossar over his shoulder. there was a confirmatory movement. "but flack--" said one. "d'yer mean--flack--" said another. "there's no time to lose," said cossar, and shouted "flack!" as he led the way. the whole force advanced towards the rat-holes, the man who had run away a little to the rear. they went forward through the rank exaggerated weeds and skirted the body of the second dead rat. they were extended in a bunchy line, each man with his gun pointing forward, and they peered about them in the clear moonlight for some crumpled, ominous shape, some crouching form. they found the gun of the man who had run away very speedily. "flack!" cried cossar. "flack!" "he ran past the nettles and fell down," volunteered the man who ran away. "where?" "round about there." "where did he fall?" he hesitated and led them athwart the long black shadows for a space and turned judicially. "about here, i think." "well, he's not here now." "but his gun---?" "confound it!" swore cossar, "where's everything got to?" he strode a step towards the black shadows on the hillside that masked the holes and stood staring. then he swore again. "if they _have_ dragged him in---!" so they hung for a space tossing each other the fragments of thoughts. bensington's glasses flashed like diamonds as he looked from one to the other. the men's faces changed from cold clearness to mysterious obscurity as they turned them to or from the moon. every one spoke, no one completed a sentence. then abruptly cossar chose his line. he flapped limbs this way and that and expelled orders in pellets. it was obvious he wanted lamps. every one except cossar was moving towards the house. "you're going into the holes?" asked redwood. "obviously," said cossar. he made it clear once more that the lamps of the cart and trolley were to be got and brought to him. bensington, grasping this, started off along the path by the well. he glanced over his shoulder, and saw cossar's gigantic figure standing out as if he were regarding the holes pensively. at the sight bensington halted for a moment and half turned. they were all leaving cossar---! cossar was able to take care of himself, of course! suddenly bensington saw something that made him shout a windless "hi!" in a second three rats had projected themselves from the dark tangle of the creeper towards cossar. for three seconds cossar stood unaware of them, and then he had become the most active thing in the world. he didn't fire his gun. apparently he had no time to aim, or to think of aiming; he ducked a leaping rat, bensington saw, and then smashed at the back of its head with the butt of his gun. the monster gave one leap and fell over itself. cossar's form went right down out of sight among the reedy grass, and then he rose again, running towards another of the rats and whirling his gun overhead. a faint shout came to bensington's ears, and then he perceived the remaining two rats bolting divergently, and cossar in pursuit towards the holes. the whole thing was an affair of misty shadows; all three fighting monsters were exaggerated and made unreal by the delusive clearness of the light. at moments cossar was colossal, at moments invisible. the rats flashed athwart the eye in sudden unexpected leaps, or ran with a movement of the feet so swift, they seemed to run on wheels. it was all over in half a minute. no one saw it but bensington. he could hear the others behind him still receding towards the house. he shouted something inarticulate and then ran back towards cossar, while the rats vanished. he came up to him outside the holes. in the moonlight the distribution of shadows that constituted cossar's visage intimated calm. "hullo," said cossar, "back already? where's the lamps? they're all back now in their holes. one i broke the neck of as it ran past me ... see? there!" and he pointed a gaunt finger. bensington was too astonished for conversation ... the lamps seemed an interminable time in coming. at last they appeared, first one unwinking luminous eye, preceded by a swaying yellow glare, and then, winking now and then, and then shining out again, two others. about them came little figures with little voices, and then enormous shadows. this group made as it were a spot of inflammation upon the gigantic dreamland of moonshine. "flack," said the voices. "flack." an illuminating sentence floated up. "locked himself in the attic." cossar was continually more wonderful. he produced great handfuls of cotton wool and stuffed them in his ears--bensington wondered why. then he loaded his gun with a quarter charge of powder. who else could have thought of that? wonderland culminated with the disappearance of cossar's twin realms of boot sole up the central hole. cossar was on all fours with two guns, one trailing on each side from a string under his chin, and his most trusted assistant, a little dark man with a grave face, was to go in stooping behind him, holding a lantern over his head. everything had been made as sane and obvious and proper as a lunatic's dream. the wool, it seems, was on account of the concussion of the rifle; the man had some too. obviously! so long as the rats turned tail on cossar no harm could come to him, and directly they headed for him he would see their eyes and fire between them. since they would have to come down the cylinder of the hole, cossar could hardly fail to hit them. it was, cossar insisted, the obvious method, a little tedious perhaps, but absolutely certain. as the assistant stooped to enter, bensington saw that the end of a ball of twine had been tied to the tail of his coat. by this he was to draw in the rope if it should be needed to drag out the bodies of the rats. bensington perceived that the object he held in his hand was cossar's silk hat. how had it got there? it would be something to remember him by, anyhow. at each of the adjacent holes stood a little group with a lantern on the ground shining up the hole, and with one man kneeling and aiming at the round void before him, waiting for anything that might emerge. there was an interminable suspense. then they heard cossar's first shot, like an explosion in a mine.... every one's nerves and muscles tightened at that, and bang! bang! bang! the rats had tried a bolt, and two more were dead. then the man who held the ball of twine reported a twitching. "he's killed one in there," said bensington, "and he wants the rope." he watched the rope creep into the hole, and it seemed as though it had become animated by a serpentine intelligence--for the darkness made the twine invisible. at last it stopped crawling, and there was a long pause. then what seemed to bensington the queerest monster of all crept slowly from the hole, and resolved itself into the little engineer emerging backwards. after him, and ploughing deep furrows, cossar's boots thrust out, and then came his lantern-illuminated back.... only one rat was left alive now, and this poor, doomed wretch cowered in the inmost recesses until cossar and the lantern went in again and slew it, and finally cossar, that human ferret, went through all the runs to make sure. "we got 'em," he said to his nearly awe-stricken company at last. "and if i hadn't been a mud-headed mucker i should have stripped to the waist. obviously. feel my sleeves, bensington! i'm wet through with perspiration. jolly hard to think of everything. only a halfway-up of whisky can save me from a cold." vii. there were moments during that wonderful night when it seemed to bensington that he was planned by nature for a life of fantastic adventure. this was particularly the case for an hour or so after he had taken a stiff whisky. "shan't go back to sloane street," he confided to the tall, fair, dirty engineer. "you won't, eh?" "no fear," said bensington, nodding darkly. the exertion of dragging the seven dead rats to the funeral pyre by the nettle grove left him bathed in perspiration, and cossar pointed out the obvious physical reaction of whisky to save him from the otherwise inevitable chill. there was a sort of brigand's supper in the old bricked kitchen, with the row of dead rats lying in the moonlight against the hen-runs outside, and after thirty minutes or so of rest, cossar roused them all to the labours that were still to do. "obviously," as he said, they had to "wipe the place out. no litter--no scandal. see?" he stirred them up to the idea of making destruction complete. they smashed and splintered every fragment of wood in the house; they built trails of chopped wood wherever big vegetation was springing; they made a pyre for the rat bodies and soaked them in paraffin. bensington worked like a conscientious navvy. he had a sort of climax of exhilaration and energy towards two o'clock. when in the work of destruction he wielded an axe the bravest fled his neighbourhood. afterwards he was a little sobered by the temporary loss of his spectacles, which were found for him at last in his side coat-pocket. men went to and fro about him--grimy, energetic men. cossar moved amongst them like a god. bensington drank that delight of human fellowship that comes to happy armies, to sturdy expeditions--never to those who live the life of the sober citizen in cities. after cossar had taken his axe away and set him to carry wood he went to and fro, saying they were all "good fellows." he kept on--long after he was aware of fatigue. at last all was ready, and the broaching of the paraffin began. the moon, robbed now of all its meagre night retinue of stars, shone high above the dawn. "burn everything," said cossar, going to and fro--"burn the ground and make a clean sweep of it. see?" bensington became aware of him, looking now very gaunt and horrible in the pale beginnings of the daylight, hurrying past with his lower jaw projected and a flaring torch of touchwood in his hand. "come away!" said some one, pulling bensington's arm. the still dawn--no birds were singing there--was suddenly full of a tumultuous crackling; a little dull red flame ran about the base of the pyre, changed to blue upon the ground, and set out to clamber, leaf by leaf, up the stem of a giant nettle. a singing sound mingled with the crackling.... they snatched their guns from the corner of the skinners' living-room, and then every one was running. cossar came after them with heavy strides.... then they were standing looking back at the experimental farm. it was boiling up; the smoke and flames poured out like a crowd in a panic, from doors and windows and from a thousand cracks and crevices in the roof. trust cossar to build a fire! a great column of smoke, shot with blood-red tongues and darting flashes, rushed up into the sky. it was like some huge giant suddenly standing up, straining upward and abruptly spreading his great arms out across the sky. it cast the night back upon them, utterly hiding and obliterating the incandescence of the sun that rose behind it. all hickleybrow was soon aware of that stupendous pillar of smoke, and came out upon the crest, in various _deshabille_, to watch them coming. behind, like some fantastic fungus, this smoke pillar swayed and fluctuated, up, up, into the sky--making the downs seem low and all other objects petty, and in the foreground, led by cossar, the makers of this mischief followed the path, eight little black figures coming wearily, guns shouldered, across the meadow. as bensington looked back there came into his jaded brain, and echoed there, a familiar formula. what was it? "you have lit to-day--? you have lit to-day--?" then he remembered latimer's words: "we have lit this day such a candle in england as no man may ever put out again--" what a man cossar was, to be sure! he admired his back view for a space, and was proud to have held that hat. proud! although he was an eminent investigator and cossar only engaged in applied science. suddenly he fell shivering and yawning enormously and wishing he was warmly tucked away in bed in his little flat that looked out upon sloane street. (it didn't do even to think of cousin jane.) his legs became cotton strands, his feet lead. he wondered if any one would get them coffee in hickleybrow. he had never been up all night for three-and-thirty years. viii. and while these eight adventurers fought with rats about the experimental farm, nine miles away, in the village of cheasing eyebright, an old lady with an excessive nose struggled with great difficulties by the light of a flickering candle. she gripped a sardine tin opener in one gnarled hand, and in the other she held a tin of herakleophorbia, which she had resolved to open or die. she struggled indefatigably, grunting at each fresh effort, while through the flimsy partition the voice of the caddles infant wailed. "bless 'is poor 'art," said mrs. skinner; and then, with her solitary tooth biting her lip in an ecstasy of determination, "come _up_!" and presently, "_jab_!" a fresh supply of the food of the gods was let loose to wreak its powers of giantry upon the world. chapter the fourth. the giant children. i. for a time at least the spreading circle of residual consequences about the experimental farm must pass out of the focus of our narrative--how for a long time a power of bigness, in fungus and toadstool, in grass and weed, radiated from that charred but not absolutely obliterated centre. nor can we tell here at any length how these mournful spinsters, the two surviving hens, made a wonder of and a show, spent their remaining years in eggless celebrity. the reader who is hungry for fuller details in these matters is referred to the newspapers of the period--to the voluminous, indiscriminate files of the modern recording angel. our business lies with mr. bensington at the focus of the disturbance. he had come back to london to find himself a quite terribly famous man. in a night the whole world had changed with respect to him. everybody understood. cousin jane, it seemed, knew all about it; the people in the streets knew all about it; the newspapers all and more. to meet cousin jane was terrible, of course, but when it was over not so terrible after all. the good woman had limits even to her power over facts; it was clear that she had communed with herself and accepted the food as something in the nature of things. she took the line of huffy dutifulness. she disapproved highly, it was evident, but she did not prohibit. the flight of bensington, as she must have considered it, may have shaken her, and her worst was to treat him with bitter persistence for a cold he had not caught and fatigue he had long since forgotten, and to buy him a new sort of hygienic all-wool combination underwear that was apt to get involved and turned partially inside out and partially not, and as difficult to get into for an absent-minded man, as--society. and so for a space, and as far as this convenience left him leisure, he still continued to participate in the development of this new element in human history, the food of the gods. the public mind, following its own mysterious laws of selection, had chosen him as the one and only responsible inventor and promoter of this new wonder; it would hear nothing of redwood, and without a protest it allowed cossar to follow his natural impulse into a terribly prolific obscurity. before he was aware of the drift of these things, mr. bensington was, so to speak, stark and dissected upon the hoardings. his baldness, his curious general pinkness, and his golden spectacles had become a national possession. resolute young men with large expensive-looking cameras and a general air of complete authorisation took possession of the flat for brief but fruitful periods, let off flash lights in it that filled it for days with dense, intolerable vapour, and retired to fill the pages of the syndicated magazines with their admirable photographs of mr. bensington complete and at home in his second-best jacket and his slashed shoes. other resolute-mannered persons of various ages and sexes dropped in and told him things about boomfood--it was _punch_ first called the stuff "boomfood"--and afterwards reproduced what they had said as his own original contribution to the interview. the thing became quite an obsession with broadbeam, the popular humourist. he scented another confounded thing he could not understand, and he fretted dreadfully in his efforts to "laugh the thing down." one saw him in clubs, a great clumsy presence with the evidences of his midnight oil burning manifest upon his large unwholesome face, explaining to every one he could buttonhole: "these scientific chaps, you know, haven't a sense of humour, you know. that's what it is. this science--kills it." his jests at bensington became malignant libels.... an enterprising press-cutting agency sent bensington a long article about himself from a sixpenny weekly, entitled "a new terror," and offered to supply one hundred such disturbances for a guinea, and two extremely charming young ladies, totally unknown to him, called, and, to the speechless indignation of cousin jane, had tea with him and afterwards sent him their birthday books for his signature. he was speedily quite hardened to seeing his name associated with the most incongruous ideas in the public press, and to discover in the reviews articles written about boomfood and himself in a tone of the utmost intimacy by people he had never heard of. and whatever delusions he may have cherished in the days of his obscurity about the pleasantness of fame were dispelled utterly and for ever. at first--except for broadbeam--the tone of the public mind was quite free from any touch of hostility. it did not seem to occur to the public mind as anything but a mere playful supposition that any more herakleophorbia was going to escape again. and it did not seem to occur to the public mind that the growing little band of babies now being fed on the food would presently be growing more "up" than most of us ever grow. the sort of thing that pleased the public mind was caricatures of eminent politicians after a course of boom-feeding, uses of the idea on hoardings, and such edifying exhibitions as the dead wasps that had escaped the fire and the remaining hens. beyond that the public did not care to look, until very strenuous efforts were made to turn its eyes to the remoter consequences, and even then for a while its enthusiasm for action was partial. "there's always somethin' new," said the public--a public so glutted with novelty that it would hear of the earth being split as one splits an apple without surprise, and, "i wonder what they'll do next." but there were one or two people outside the public, as it were, who did already take that further glance, and some it seems were frightened by what they saw there. there was young caterham, for example, cousin of the earl of pewterstone, and one of the most promising of english politicians, who, taking the risk of being thought a faddist, wrote a long article in the _nineteenth century and after_ to suggest its total suppression. and--in certain of his moods, there was bensington. "they don't seem to realise--" he said to cossar. "no, they don't." "and do we? sometimes, when i think of what it means--this poor child of redwood's--and, of course, your three... forty feet high, perhaps! after all, _ought_ we to go on with it?" "go on with it!" cried cossar, convulsed with inelegant astonishment and pitching his note higher than ever. "of _course_ you'll go on with it! what d'you think you were made for? just to loaf about between meal-times? "serious consequences," he screamed, "of course! enormous. obviously. ob-viously. why, man, it's the only chance you'll ever get of a serious consequence! and you want to shirk it!" for a moment his indignation was speechless, "it's downright wicked!" he said at last, and repeated explosively, "wicked!" but bensington worked in his laboratory now with more emotion than zest. he couldn't tell whether he wanted serious consequences to his life or not; he was a man of quiet tastes. it was a marvellous discovery, of course, quite marvellous--but--he had already become the proprietor of several acres of scorched, discredited property near hickleybrow, at a price of nearly â£90 an acre, and at times he was disposed to think this as serious a consequence of speculative chemistry as any unambitious man could wish. of course he was famous--terribly famous. more than satisfying, altogether more than satisfying, was the fame he had attained. but the habit of research was strong in him.... and at moments, rare moments in the laboratory chiefly, he would find something else than habit and cossar's arguments to urge him to his work. this little spectacled man, poised perhaps with his slashed shoes wrapped about the legs of his high stool and his hand upon the tweezer of his balance weights, would have again a flash of that adolescent vision, would have a momentary perception of the eternal unfolding of the seed that had been sown in his brain, would see as it were in the sky, behind the grotesque shapes and accidents of the present, the coming world of giants and all the mighty things the future has in store--vague and splendid, like some glittering palace seen suddenly in the passing of a sunbeam far away.... and presently it would be with him as though that distant splendour had never shone upon his brain, and he would perceive nothing ahead but sinister shadows, vast declivities and darknesses, inhospitable immensities, cold, wild, and terrible things. ii. amidst the complex and confused happenings, the impacts from the great outer world that constituted mr. bensington's fame, a shining and active figure presently became conspicuous--became almost, as it were, a leader and marshal of these externalities in mr. bensington's eyes. this was dr. winkles, that convincing young practitioner, who has already appeared in this story as the means whereby redwood was able to convey the food to his son. even before the great outbreak, it was evident that the mysterious powders redwood had given him had awakened this gentleman's interest immensely, and so soon as the first wasps came he was putting two and two together. he was the sort of doctor that is in manners, in morals, in methods and appearance, most succinctly and finally expressed by the word "rising." he was large and fair, with a hard, alert, superficial, aluminium-coloured eye, and hair like chalk mud, even-featured and muscular about the clean-shaven mouth, erect in figure and energetic in movement, quick and spinning on the heel, and he wore long frock coats, black silk ties and plain gold studs and chains and his silk hats had a special shape and brim that made him look wiser and better than anybody. he looked as young or old as anybody grown up. and after that first wonderful outbreak he took to bensington and redwood and the food of the gods with such a convincing air of proprietorship, that at times, in spite of the testimony of the press to the contrary, bensington was disposed to regard him as the original inventor of the whole affair. "these accidents," said winkles, when bensington hinted at the dangers of further escapes, "are nothing. nothing. the discovery is everything. properly developed, suitably handled, sanely controlled, we have--we have something very portentous indeed in this food of ours.... we must keep our eye on it ... we mustn't let it out of control again, and--we mustn't let it rest." he certainly did not mean to do that. he was at bensington's now almost every day. bensington, glancing from the window, would see the faultless equipage come spanking up sloane street and after an incredibly brief interval winkles would enter the room with a light, strong motion, and pervade it, and protrude some newspaper and supply information and make remarks. "well," he would say, rubbing his hands, "how are we getting on?" and so pass to the current discussion about it. "do you see," he would say, for example, "that caterham has been talking about our stuff at the church association?" "dear me!" said bensington, "that's a cousin of the prime minister, isn't it?" "yes," said winkles, "a very able young man--very able. quite wrong-headed; you know, violently reactionary--but thoroughly able. and he's evidently disposed to make capital out of this stuff of ours. takes a very emphatic line. talks of our proposal to use it in the elementary schools---" "our proposal to use it in the elementary schools!" "_i_ said something about that the other day--quite in passing--little affair at a polytechnic. trying to make it clear the stuff was really highly beneficial. not in the slightest degree dangerous, in spite of those first little accidents. which cannot possibly occur again.... you know it _would_ be rather good stuff--but he's taken it up." "what did you say?" "mere obvious nothings. but as you see---! takes it up with perfect gravity. treats the thing as an attack. says there is already a sufficient waste of public money in elementary schools without this. tells the old stories about piano lessons again--_you_ know. no one; he says, wishes to prevent the children of the lower classes obtaining an education suited to their condition, but to give them a food of this sort will be to destroy their sense of proportion utterly. expands the topic. what good will it do, he asks, to make poor people six-and-thirty feet high? he really believes, you know, that they _will_ be thirty-six feet high." "so they would _be_," said bensington, "if you gave them our food at all regularly. but nobody said anything---" "_i_ said something." "but, my dear winkles--!" "they'll be bigger, of course," interrupted winkles, with an air of knowing all about it, and discouraging the crude ideas of bensington. "bigger indisputably. but listen to what he says! will it make them happier? that's his point. curious, isn't it? will it make them better? will they be more respectful to properly constituted authority? is it fair to the children themselves?? curious how anxious his sort are for justice--so far as any future arrangements go. even nowadays, he says, the cost of feeding and clothing children is more than many of their parents can contrive, and if this sort of thing is to be permitted--! eh? "you see he makes my mere passing suggestion into a positive proposal. and then he calculates how much a pair of breeches for a growing lad of twenty feet high or so will cost. just as though he really believed--ten pounds, he reckons, for the merest decency. curious this caterham! so concrete! the honest, and struggling ratepayer will have to contribute to that, he says. he says we have to consider the rights of the parent. it's all here. two columns. every parent has a right to have his children brought up in his own size.... "then comes the question of school accommodation, cost of enlarged desks and forms for our already too greatly burthened national schools. and to get what?--a proletariat of hungry giants. winds up with a very serious passage, says even if this wild suggestion--mere passing fancy of mine, you know, and misinterpreted at that--this wild suggestion about the schools comes to nothing, that doesn't end the matter. this is a strange food, so strange as to seem to him almost wicked. it has been scattered recklessly--so he says--and it may be scattered again. once you've taken it, it's poison unless you go on with it. 'so it is,' said bensington. and in short he proposes the formation of a national society for the preservation of the proper proportions of things. odd? eh? people are hanging on to the idea like anything." "but what do they propose to do?" winkles shrugged his shoulders and threw out his hands. "form a society," he said, "and fuss. they want to make it illegal to manufacture this herakleophorbia--or at any rate to circulate the knowledge of it. i've written about a bit to show that caterham's idea of the stuff is very much exaggerated--very much exaggerated indeed, but that doesn't seem to check it. curious how people are turning against it. and the national temperance association, by-the-bye, has founded a branch for temperance in growth." "mm," said bensington and stroked his nose. "after all that has happened there's bound to be this uproar. on the face of it the thing's--_startling_." winkles walked about the room for a time, hesitated, and departed. it became evident there was something at the back of his mind, some aspect of crucial importance to him, that he waited to display. one day, when redwood and bensington were at the flat together he gave them a glimpse of this something in reserve. "how's it all going?" he said; rubbing his hands together. "we're getting together a sort of report." "for the royal society?" "yes." "hm," said. winkles, very profoundly, and walked to the hearth-rug. "hm. but--here's the point. _ought_ you?" "ought we--what?" "ought you to publish?" "we're not in the middle ages," said redwood. "i know." "as cossar says, swapping wisdom--that's the true scientific method." "in most cases, certainly. but--this is exceptional." "we shall put the whole thing before the royal society in the proper way," said redwood. winkles returned to that on a later occasion. "it's in many ways an exceptional discovery." "that doesn't matter," said redwood. "it's the sort of knowledge that could easily be subject to grave abuse--grave dangers, as caterham puts it." redwood said nothing. "even carelessness, you know--" "if we were to form a committee of trustworthy people to control the manufacture of boomfood--herakleophorbia, i _should_ say--we might--" he paused, and redwood, with a certain private discomfort, pretended that he did not see any sort of interrogation.... outside the apartments of redwood and bensington, winkle, in spite of the incompleteness of his instructions, became a leading authority upon boomfood. he wrote letters defending its use; he made notes and articles explaining its possibilities; he jumped up irrelevantly at the meetings of the scientific and medical associations to talk about it; he identified himself with it. he published a pamphlet called "the truth about boomfood," in which he minimised the whole of the hickleybrow affair almost to nothing. he said that it was absurd to say boomfood would make people thirty-seven feet high. that was "obviously exaggerated." it would make them bigger, of course, but that was all.... within that intimate circle of two it was chiefly evident that winkles was extremely anxious to help in the making of herakleophorbia, help in correcting any proofs there might be of any paper there might be in preparation upon the subject--do anything indeed that might lead up to his participation in the details of the making of herakleophorbia. he was continually telling them both that he felt it was a big thing, that it had big possibilities. if only they were--"safeguarded in some way." and at last one day he asked outright to be told just how it was made. "i've been thinking over what you said," said redwood. "well?" said winkles brightly. "it's the sort of knowledge that could easily be subject to grave abuse," said redwood. "but i don't see how that applies," said winkles. "it does," said redwood. winkles thought it over for a day or so. then he came to redwood and said that he doubted if he ought to give powders about which he knew nothing to redwood's little boy; it seemed to him it was uncommonly like taking responsibility in the dark. that made redwood thoughtful. "you've seen that the society for the total suppression of boomfood claims to have several thousand members," said winkles, changing the subject. "they've drafted a bill," said winkles. "they've got young caterham to take it up--readily enough. they're in earnest. they're forming local committees to influence candidates. they want to make it penal to prepare and store herakleophorbia without special license, and felony--matter of imprisonment without option--to administer boomfood--that's what they call it, you know--to any person under one-and-twenty. but there's collateral societies, you know. all sorts of people. the society for the preservation of ancient statures is going to have mr. frederic harrison on the council, they say. you know he's written an essay about it; says it is vulgar, and entirely inharmonious with that revelation of humanity that is found in the teachings of comte. it is the sort of thing the eighteenth century _couldn't_ have produced even in its worst moments. the idea of the food never entered the head of comte--which shows how wicked it really is. no one, he says, who really understood comte...." "but you don't mean to say--" said redwood, alarmed out of his disdain for winkles. "they'll not do all that," said winkles. "but public opinion is public opinion, and votes are votes. everybody can see you are up to a disturbing thing. and the human instinct is all against disturbance, you know. nobody seems to believe caterham's idea of people thirty-seven feet high, who won't be able to get inside a church, or a meeting-house, or any social or human institution. but for all that they're not so easy in their minds about it. they see there's something--something more than a common discovery--" "there is," said redwood, "in every discovery." "anyhow, they're getting--restive. caterham keeps harping on what may happen if it gets loose again. i say over and over again, it won't, and it can't. but--there it is!" and he bounced about the room for a little while as if he meant to reopen the topic of the secret, and then thought better of it and went. the two scientific men looked at one another. for a space only their eyes spoke. "if the worst comes to the worst," said redwood at last, in a strenuously calm voice, "i shall give the food to my little teddy with my own hands." iii. it was only a few days after this that redwood opened his paper to find that the prime minister had promised a royal commission on boomfood. this sent him, newspaper in hand, round to bensington's flat. "winkles, i believe, is making mischief for the stuff. he plays into the hands of caterham. he keeps on talking about it, and what it is going to do, and alarming people. if he goes on, i really believe he'll hamper our inquiries. even as it is--with this trouble about my little boy--" bensington wished winkles wouldn't. "do you notice how he has dropped into the way of calling it boomfood?" "i don't like that name," said bensington, with a glance over his glasses. "it is just so exactly what it is--to winkles." "why does he keep on about it? it isn't his!" "it's something called booming," said redwood. "_i_ don't understand. if it isn't his, everybody is getting to think it is. not that _that_ matters." "in the event of this ignorant, this ridiculous agitation becoming--serious," began bensington. "my little boy can't get on without the stuff," said redwood. "i don't see how i can help myself now. if the worst comes to the worst--" a slight bouncing noise proclaimed the presence of winkles. he became visible in the middle of the room rubbing his hands together. "i wish you'd knock," said bensington, looking vicious over the gold rims. winkles was apologetic. then he turned to redwood. "i'm glad to find you here," he began; "the fact is--" "have you seen about this royal commission?" interrupted redwood. "yes," said winkles, thrown out. "yes." "what do you think of it?" "excellent thing," said winkles. "bound to stop most of this clamour. ventilate the whole affair. shut up caterham. but that's not what i came round for, redwood. the fact is--" "i don't like this royal commission," said bensington. "i can assure you it will be all right. i may say--i don't think it's a breach of confidence--that very possibly _i_ may have a place on the commission--" "oom," said redwood, looking into the fire. "i can put the whole thing right. i can make it perfectly clear, first, that the stuff is controllable, and, secondly, that nothing short of a miracle is needed before anything like that catastrophe at hickleybrow can possibly happen again. that is just what is wanted, an authoritative assurance. of course, i could speak with more confidence if i knew--but that's quite by the way. and just at present there's something else, another little matter, upon which i'm wanting to consult you. ahem. the fact is--well--i happen to be in a slight difficulty, and you can help me out." redwood raised his eyebrows, and was secretly glad. "the matter is--highly confidential." "go on," said redwood. "don't worry about that." "i have recently been entrusted with a child--the child of--of an exalted personage." winkles coughed. "you're getting on," said redwood. "i must confess it's largely your powders--and the reputation of my success with your little boy--there is, i cannot disguise, a strong feeling against its use. and yet i find that among the more intelligent--one must go quietly in these things, you know--little by little. still, in the case of her serene high--i mean this new little patient of mine. as a matter of fact--the suggestion came from the parent. or i should never--" he struck redwood as being embarrassed. "i thought you had a doubt of the advisability of using these powders," said redwood. "merely a passing doubt." "you don't propose to discontinue--" "in the case of your little boy? certainly not!" "so far as i can see, it would be murder." "i wouldn't do it for the world." "you shall have the powders," said redwood. "i suppose you couldn't--" "no fear," said redwood. "there isn't a recipe. it's no good, winkles, if you'll pardon my frankness. i'll make you the powders myself." "just as well, perhaps," said winkles, after a momentary hard stare at redwood--"just as well." and then: "i can assure you i really don't mind in the least." iv. when winkles had gone bensington came and stood on the hearth-rug and looked down at redwood. "her serene highness!" he remarked. "her serene highness!" said redwood. "it's the princess of weser dreiburg!" "no further than a third cousin." "redwood," said bensington; "it's a curious thing to say, i know, but--do you think winkles understands?" "what?" "just what it is we have made. "does he really understand," said bensington, dropping his voice and keeping his eye doorward, "that in the family--the family of his new patient--" "go on," said redwood. "who have always been if anything a little _under_--_under_--" "the average?" "yes. and so _very_ tactfully undistinguished in _any_ way, he is going to produce a royal personage--an outsize royal personage--of _that_ size. you know, redwood, i'm not sure whether there is not something almost--_treasonable_ ..." he transferred his eyes from the door to redwood. redwood flung a momentary gesture--index finger erect--at the fire. "by jove!" he said, "he _doesn't_ know!" "that man," said redwood, "doesn't know anything. that was his most exasperating quality as a student. nothing. he passed all his examinations, he had all his facts--and he had just as much knowledge--as a rotating bookshelf containing the _times encyclopedia_. and he doesn't know anything _now_. he's winkles, and incapable of really assimilating anything not immediately and directly related to his superficial self. he is utterly void of imagination and, as a consequence, incapable of knowledge. no one could possibly pass so many examinations and be so well dressed, so well done, and so successful as a doctor without that precise incapacity. that's it. and in spite of all he's seen and heard and been told, there he is--he has no idea whatever of what he has set going. he has got a boom on, he's working it well on boomfood, and some one has let him in to this new royal baby--and that's boomier than ever! and the fact that weser dreiburg will presently have to face the gigantic problem of a thirty-odd-foot princess not only hasn't entered his head, but couldn't--it couldn't!" "there'll be a fearful row," said bensington. "in a year or so." "so soon as they really see she is going on growing." "unless after their fashion--they hush it up." "it's a lot to hush up." "rather!" "i wonder what they'll do?" "they never do anything--royal tact." "they're bound to do something." "perhaps _she_ will." "o lord! yes." "they'll suppress her. such things have been known." redwood burst into desperate laughter. "the redundant royalty--the bouncing babe in the iron mask!" he said. "they'll have to put her in the tallest tower of the old weser dreiburg castle and make holes in the ceilings as she grows from floor to floor! well, i'm in the very same pickle. and cossar and his three boys. and--well, well." "there'll be a fearful row," bensington repeated, not joining in the laughter. "a _fearful_ row." "i suppose," he argued, "you've really thought it out thoroughly, redwood. you're quite sure it wouldn't be wiser to warn winkles, wean your little boy gradually, and--and rely upon the theoretical triumph?" "i wish to goodness you'd spend half an hour in my nursery when the food's a little late," said redwood, with a note of exasperation in his voice; "then you wouldn't talk like that, bensington. besides--fancy warning winkles... no! the tide of this thing has caught us unawares, and whether we're frightened or whether we're not--_we've got to swim!_" "i suppose we have," said bensington, staring at his toes. "yes. we've got to swim. and your boy will have to swim, and cossar's boys--he's given it to all three of them. nothing partial about cossar--all or nothing! and her serene highness. and everything. we are going on making the food. cossar also. we're only just in the dawn of the beginning, redwood. it's evident all sorts of things are to follow. monstrous great things. but i can't imagine them, redwood. except--" he scanned his finger nails. he looked up at redwood with eyes bland through his glasses. "i've half a mind," he adventured, "that caterham is right. at times. it's going to destroy the proportions of things. it's going to dislocate--what isn't it going to dislocate?" "whatever it dislocates," said redwood, "my little boy must have the food." they heard some one falling rapidly upstairs. then cossar put his head into the flat. "hullo!" he said at their expressions, and entering, "well?" they told him about the princess. "_difficult question!_" he remarked. "not a bit of it. _she'll_ grow. your boy'll grow. all the others you give it to 'll grow. everything. like anything. what's difficult about that? that's all right. a child could tell you that. where's the bother?" they tried to make it clear to him. "_not go on with it!_" he shrieked. "but--! you can't help yourselves now. it's what you're for. it's what winkles is for. it's all right. often wondered what winkles was for. _now_ it's obvious. what's the trouble? "_disturbance_? obviously. _upset things_? upset everything. finally--upset every human concern. plain as a pikestaff. they're going to try and stop it, but they're too late. it's their way to be too late. you go on and start as much of it as you can. thank god he has a use for you!" "but the conflict!" said bensington, "the stress! i don't know if you have imagined--" "you ought to have been some sort of little vegetable, bensington," said cossar--"that's what you ought to have been. something growing over a rockery. here you are, fearfully and wonderfully made, and all you think you're made for is just to sit about and take your vittles. d'you think this world was made for old women to mop about in? well, anyhow, you can't help yourselves now--you've _got_ to go on." "i suppose we must," said redwood. "slowly--" "no!" said cossar, in a huge shout. "no! make as much as you can and as soon as you can. spread it about!" he was inspired to a stroke of wit. he parodied one of redwood's curves with a vast upward sweep of his arm. "redwood!" he said, to point the allusion, "make it so!" v. there is, it seems, an upward limit to the pride of maternity, and this in the case of mrs. redwood was reached when her offspring completed his sixth month of terrestrial existence, broke down his high-class bassinet-perambulator, and was brought home, bawling, in the milk-truck. young redwood at that time weighed fifty-nine and a half pounds, measured forty-eight inches in height, and gripped about sixty pounds. he was carried upstairs to the nursery by the cook and housemaid. after that, discovery was only a question of days. one afternoon redwood came home from his laboratory to find his unfortunate wife deep in the fascinating pages of _the mighty atom_, and at the sight of him she put the book aside and ran violently forward and burst into tears on his shoulder. "tell me what you have _done_ to him," she wailed. "tell me what you have done." redwood took her hand and led her to the sofa, while he tried to think of a satisfactory line of defence. "it's all right, my dear," he said; "it's all right. you're only a little overwrought. it's that cheap perambulator. i've arranged for a bath-chair man to come round with something stouter to-morrow--" mrs. redwood looked at him tearfully over the top of her handkerchief. "a baby in a bath-chair?" she sobbed. "well, why not?" "it's like a cripple." "it's like a young giant, my dear, and you've no cause to be ashamed of him." "you've done something to him, dandy," she said. "i can see it in your face." "well, it hasn't stopped his growth, anyhow," said redwood heartlessly. "i _knew_," said mrs. redwood, and clenched her pocket-handkerchief ball fashion in one hand. she looked at him with a sudden change to severity. "what have you done to our child, dandy?" "what's wrong with him?" "he's so big. he's a monster." "nonsense. he's as straight and clean a baby as ever a woman had. what's wrong with him?" "look at his size." "that's all right. look at the puny little brutes about us! he's the finest baby--" "he's _too_ fine," said mrs. redwood. "it won't go on," said redwood reassuringly; "it's just a start he's taken." but he knew perfectly well it would go on. and it did. by the time this baby was twelve months old he tottered just one inch under five feet high and scaled eight stone three; he was as big in fact as a st. peter's _in vaticano_ cherub, and his affectionate clutch at the hair and features of visitors became the talk of west kensington. they had an invalid's chair to carry him up and down to his nursery, and his special nurse, a muscular young person just out of training, used to take him for his airings in a panhard 8 h.p. hill-climbing perambulator specially made to meet his requirement. it was lucky in every way that redwood had his expert witness connection in addition to his professorship. when one got over the shock of little redwood's enormous size, he was, i am told by people who used to see him almost daily teufteufing slowly about hyde park, a singularly bright and pretty baby. he rarely cried or needed a comforter. commonly he clutched a big rattle, and sometimes he went along hailing the bus-drivers and policemen along the road outside the railings as "dadda!" and "babba!" in a sociable, democratic way. "there goes that there great boomfood baby," the bus-driver used to say. "looks 'ealthy," the forward passenger would remark. "bottle fed," the bus-driver would explain. "they say it 'olds a gallon and 'ad to be specially made for 'im." "very 'ealthy child any'ow," the forward passenger would conclude. when mrs. redwood realized that his growth was indeed going on indefinitely and logically--and this she really did for the first time when the motor-perambulator arrived--she gave way to a passion of grief. she declared she never wished to enter her nursery again, wished she was dead, wished the child was dead, wished everybody was dead, wished she had never married redwood, wished no one ever married anybody, ajaxed a little, and retired to her own room, where she lived almost exclusively on chicken broth for three days. when redwood came to remonstrate with her, she banged pillows about and wept and tangled her hair. "_he's_ all right," said redwood. "he's all the better for being big. you wouldn't like him smaller than other people's children." "i want him to be _like_ other children, neither smaller nor bigger. i wanted him to be a nice little boy, just as georgina phyllis is a nice little girl, and i wanted to bring him up nicely in a nice way, and here he is"--and the unfortunate woman's voice broke--"wearing number four grown-up shoes and being wheeled about by--booboo!--petroleum! "i can never love him," she wailed, "never! he's too much for me! i can never be a mother to him, such as i meant to be!" but at last, they contrived to get her into the nursery, and there was edward monson redwood ("pantagruel" was only a later nickname) swinging in a specially strengthened rocking-chair and smiling and talking "goo" and "wow." and the heart of mrs. redwood warmed again to her child, and she went and held him in her arms and wept. "they've done something to you," she sobbed, "and you'll grow and grow, dear; but whatever i can do to bring you up nice i'll do for you, whatever your father may say." and redwood, who had helped to bring her to the door, went down the passage much relieved. (eh! but it's a base job this being a man--with women as they are!) vi. before the year was out there were, in addition to redwood's pioneer vehicle, quite a number of motor-perambulators to be seen in the west of london. i am told there were as many as eleven; but the most careful inquiries yield trustworthy evidence of only six within the metropolitan area at that time. it would seem the stuff acted differently upon different types of constitution. at first herakleophorbia was not adapted to injection, and there can be no doubt that quite a considerable proportion of human beings are incapable of absorbing this substance in the normal course of digestion. it was given, for example, to winkles' youngest boy; but he seems to have been as incapable of growth as, if redwood was right, his father was incapable of knowledge. others again, according to the society for the total suppression of boomfood, became in some inexplicable way corrupted by it, and perished at the onset of infantile disorders. the cossar boys took to it with amazing avidity. of course a thing of this kind never comes with absolute simplicity of application into the life of man; growth in particular is a complex thing, and all generalisations must needs be a little inaccurate. but the general law of the food would seem to be this, that when it could be taken into the system in any way it stimulated it in very nearly the same degree in all cases. it increased the amount of growth from six to seven times, and it did not go beyond that, whatever amount of the food in excess was taken. excess of herakleophorbia indeed beyond the necessary minimum led, it was found, to morbid disturbances of nutrition, to cancer and tumours, ossifications, and the like. and once growth upon the large scale had begun, it was soon evident that it could only continue upon that scale, and that the continuous administration of herakleophorbia in small but sufficient doses was imperative. if it was discontinued while growth was still going on, there was first a vague restlessness and distress, then a period of voracity--as in the case of the young rats at hankey--and then the growing creature had a sort of exaggerated anaemia and sickened and died. plants suffered in a similar way. this, however, applied only to the growth period. so soon as adolescence was attained--in plants this was represented by the formation of the first flower-buds--the need and appetite for herakleophorbia diminished, and so soon as the plant or animal was fully adult, it became altogether independent of any further supply of the food. it was, as it were, completely established on the new scale. it was so completely established on the new scale that, as the thistles about hickleybrow and the grass of the down side already demonstrated, its seed produced giant offspring after its kind. and presently little redwood, pioneer of the new race, first child of all who ate the food, was crawling about his nursery, smashing furniture, biting like a horse, pinching like a vice, and bawling gigantic baby talk at his "nanny" and "mammy" and the rather scared and awe-stricken "daddy," who had set this mischief going. the child was born with good intentions. "padda be good, be good," he used to say as the breakables flew before him. "padda" was his rendering of pantagruel, the nickname redwood imposed on him. and cossar, disregarding certain ancient lights that presently led to trouble, did, after a conflict with the local building regulations, get building on a vacant piece of ground adjacent to redwood's home, a comfortable well-lit playroom, schoolroom, and nursery for their four boys--sixty feet square about this room was, and forty feet high. redwood fell in love with that great nursery as he and cossar built it, and his interest in curves faded, as he had never dreamt it could fade, before the pressing needs of his son. "there is much," he said, "in fitting a nursery. much. "the walls, the things in it, they will all speak to this new mind of ours, a little more, a little less eloquently, and teach it, or fail to teach it a thousand things." "obviously," said cossar, reaching hastily for his hat. they worked together harmoniously, but redwood supplied most of the educational theory required ... they had the walls and woodwork painted with a cheerful vigour; for the most part a slightly warmed white prevailed, but there were bands of bright clean colour to enforce the simple lines of construction. "clean colours we _must_ have," said redwood, and in one place had a neat horizontal band of squares, in which crimson and purple, orange and lemon, blues and greens, in many hues and many shades, did themselves honour. these squares the giant children should arrange and rearrange to their pleasure. "decorations must follow," said redwood; "let them first get the range of all the tints, and then this may go away. there is no reason why one should bias them in favour of any particular colour or design." then, "the place must be full of interest," said redwood. "interest is food for a child, and blankness torture and starvation. he must have pictures galore." there were no pictures hung about the room for any permanent service, however, but blank frames were provided into which new pictures would come and pass thence into a portfolio so soon as their fresh interest had passed. there was one window that looked down the length of a street, and in addition, for an added interest, redwood had contrived above the roof of the nursery a camera obscura that watched the kensington high street and not a little of the gardens. in one corner that most worthy implement, an abacus, four feet square, a specially strengthened piece of ironmongery with rounded corners, awaited the young giants' incipient computations. there were few woolly lambs and such-like idols, but instead cossar, without explanation, had brought one day in three four-wheelers a great number of toys (all just too big for the coming children to swallow) that could be piled up, arranged in rows, rolled about, bitten, made to flap and rattle, smacked together, felt over, pulled out, opened, closed, and mauled and experimented with to an interminable extent. there were many bricks of wood in diverse colours, oblong and cuboid, bricks of polished china, bricks of transparent glass and bricks of india-rubber; there were slabs and slates; there were cones, truncated cones, and cylinders; there were oblate and prolate spheroids, balls of varied substances, solid and hollow, many boxes of diverse size and shape, with hinged lids and screw lids and fitting lids, and one or two to catch and lock; there were bands of elastic and leather, and a number of rough and sturdy little objects of a size together that could stand up steadily and suggest the shape of a man. "give 'em these," said cossar. "one at a time." these things redwood arranged in a locker in one corner. along one side of the room, at a convenient height for a six-or eight-foot child, there was a blackboard, on which the youngsters might flourish in white and coloured chalk, and near by a sort of drawing block, from which sheet after sheet might be torn, and on which they could draw in charcoal, and a little desk there was, furnished with great carpenter's pencils of varying hardness and a copious supply of paper, on which the boys might first scribble and then draw more neatly. and moreover redwood gave orders, so far ahead did his imagination go, for specially large tubes of liquid paint and boxes of pastels against the time when they should be needed. he laid in a cask or so of plasticine and modelling clay. "at first he and his tutor shall model together," he said, "and when he is more skilful he shall copy casts and perhaps animals. and that reminds me, i must also have made for him a box of tools! "then books. i shall have to look out a lot of books to put in his way, and they'll have to be big type. now what sort of books will he need? there is his imagination to be fed. that, after all, is the crown of every education. the crown--as sound habits of mind and conduct are the throne. no imagination at all is brutality; a base imagination is lust and cowardice; but a noble imagination is god walking the earth again. he must dream too of a dainty fairy-land and of all the quaint little things of life, in due time. but he must feed chiefly on the splendid real; he shall have stories of travel through all the world, travels and adventures and how the world was won; he shall have stories of beasts, great books splendidly and clearly done of animals and birds and plants and creeping things, great books about the deeps of the sky and the mystery of the sea; he shall have histories and maps of all the empires the world has seen, pictures and stories of all the tribes and habits and customs of men. and he must have books and pictures to quicken his sense of beauty, subtle japanese pictures to make him love the subtler beauties of bird and tendril and falling flower, and western pictures too, pictures of gracious men and women, sweet groupings, and broad views of land and sea. he shall have books on the building of houses and palaces; he shall plan rooms and invent cities-"i think i must give him a little theatre. "then there is music!" redwood thought that over, and decided that his son might best begin with a very pure-sounding harmonicon of one octave, to which afterwards there could be an extension. "he shall play with this first, sing to it and give names to the notes," said redwood, "and afterwards--?" he stared up at the window-sill overhead and measured the size of the room with his eye. "they'll have to build his piano in here," he said. "bring it in in pieces." he hovered about amidst his preparations, a pensive, dark, little figure. if you could have seen him there he would have looked to you like a ten-inch man amidst common nursery things. a great rug--indeed it was a turkey carpet--four hundred square feet of it, upon which young redwood was soon to crawl--stretched to the grill-guarded electric radiator that was to warm the whole place. a man from cossar's hung amidst scaffolding overhead, fixing the great frame that was to hold the transitory pictures. a blotting-paper book for plant specimens as big as a house door leant against the wall, and from it projected a gigantic stalk, a leaf edge or so and one flower of chickweed, all of that gigantic size that was soon to make urshot famous throughout the botanical world ... a sort of incredulity came to redwood as he stood among these things. "if it really _is_ going on--" said redwood, staring up at the remote ceiling. from far away came a sound like the bellowing of a mafficking bull, almost as if in answer. "it's going on all right," said redwood. "evidently." there followed resounding blows upon a table, followed by a vast crowing shout, "gooloo! boozoo! bzz ..." "the best thing i can do," said redwood, following out some divergent line of thought, "is to teach him myself." that beating became more insistent. for a moment it seemed to redwood that it caught the rhythm of an engine's throbbing--the engine he could have imagined of some great train of events that bore down upon him. then a descendant flight of sharper beats broke up that effect, and were repeated. "come in," he cried, perceiving that some one rapped, and the door that was big enough for a cathedral opened slowly a little way. the new winch ceased to creak, and bensington appeared in the crack, gleaming benevolently under his protruded baldness and over his glasses. "i've ventured round to _see_," he whispered in a confidentially furtive manner. "come in," said redwood, and he did, shutting the door behind him. he walked forward, hands behind his back, advanced a few steps, and peered up with a bird-like movement at the dimensions about him. he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "every time i come in," he said, with a subdued note in his voice, "it strikes me as--'_big_.'" "yes," said redwood, surveying it all again also, as if in an endeavour to keep hold of the visible impression. "yes. they're going to be big too, you know." "i know," said bensington, with a note that was nearly awe. "_very_ big." they looked at one another, almost, as it were, apprehensively. "very big indeed," said bensington, stroking the bridge of his nose, and with one eye that watched redwood doubtfully for a confirmatory expression. "all of them, you know--fearfully big. i don't seem able to imagine--even with this--just how big they're all going to be." chapter the fifth. the minimificence of mr. bensington. i. it was while the royal commission on boomfood was preparing its report that herakleophorbia really began to demonstrate its capacity for leakage. and the earliness of this second outbreak was the more unfortunate, from the point of view of cossar at any rate, since the draft report still in existence shows that the commission had, under the tutelage of that most able member, doctor stephen winkles (f.r.s. m.d. f.r.c.p. d. sc. j.p. d.l. etc.), already quite made up its mind that accidental leakages were impossible, and was prepared to recommend that to entrust the preparation of boomfood to a qualified committee (winkles chiefly), with an entire control over its sale, was quite enough to satisfy all reasonable objections to its free diffusion. this committee was to have an absolute monopoly. and it is, no doubt, to be considered as a part of the irony of life that the first and most alarming of this second series of leakages occurred within fifty yards of a little cottage at keston occupied during the summer months by doctor winkles. there can be little doubt now that redwood's refusal to acquaint winkles with the composition of herakleophorbia iv. had aroused in that gentleman a novel and intense desire towards analytical chemistry. he was not a very expert manipulator, and for that reason probably he saw fit to do his work not in the excellently equipped laboratories that were at his disposal in london, but without consulting any one, and almost with an air of secrecy, in a rough little garden laboratory at the keston establishment. he does not seem to have shown either very great energy or very great ability in this quest; indeed one gathers he dropped the inquiry after working at it intermittently for about a month. this garden laboratory, in which the work was done, was very roughly equipped, supplied by a standpipe tap with water, and draining into a pipe that ran down into a swampy rush-bordered pool under an alder tree in a secluded corner of the common just outside the garden hedge. the pipe was cracked, and the residuum of the food of the gods escaped through the crack into a little puddle amidst clumps of rushes, just in time for the spring awakening. everything was astir with life in that scummy little corner. there was frog spawn adrift, tremulous with tadpoles just bursting their gelatinous envelopes; there were little pond snails creeping out into life, and under the green skin of the rush stems the larvae of a big water beetle were struggling out of their egg cases. i doubt if the reader knows the larva of the beetle called (i know not why) dytiscus. it is a jointed, queer-looking thing, very muscular and sudden in its movements, and given to swimming head downward with its tail out of water; the length of a man's top thumb joint it is, and more--two inches, that is for those who have not eaten the food--and it has two sharp jaws that meet in front of its head--tubular jaws with sharp points--through which its habit is to suck its victim's blood ... the first things to get at the drifting grains of the food were the little tadpoles and the little water snails; the little wriggling tadpoles in particular, once they had the taste of it, took to it with zest. but scarcely did one of them begin to grow into a conspicuous position in that little tadpole world and try a smaller brother or so as an aid to a vegetarian dietary, when nip! one of the beetle larvae had its curved bloodsucking prongs gripping into his heart, and with that red stream went herakleophorbia iv, in a state of solution, into the being of a new client. the only thing that had a chance with these monsters to get any share of the food were the rushes and slimy green scum in the water and the seedling weeds in the mud at the bottom. a clean up of the study presently washed a fresh spate of the food into the puddle, and overflowed it, and carried all this sinister expansion of the struggle for life into the adjacent pool under the roots of the alder... the first person to discover what was going on was a mr. lukey carrington, a special science teacher under the london education board, and, in his leisure, a specialist in fresh-water algae, and he is certainly not to be envied his discovery. he had come down to keston common for the day to fill a number of specimen tubes for subsequent examination, and he came, with a dozen or so of corked tubes clanking faintly in his pocket, over the sandy crest and down towards the pool, spiked walking stick in hand. a garden lad standing on the top of the kitchen steps clipping doctor winkles' hedge saw him in this unfrequented corner, and found him and his occupation sufficiently inexplicable and interesting to watch him pretty closely. he saw mr. carrington stoop down by the side of the pool, with his hand against the old alder stem, and peer into the water, but of course he could not appreciate the surprise and pleasure with which mr. carrington beheld the big unfamiliar-looking blobs and threads of the algal scum at the bottom. there were no tadpoles visible--they had all been killed by that time--and it would seem mr. carrington saw nothing at all unusual except the excessive vegetation. he bared his arm to the elbow, leant forward, and dipped deep in pursuit of a specimen. his seeking hand went down. instantly there flashed out of the cool shadow under the tree roots something-flash! it had buried its fangs deep into his arm--a bizarre shape it was, a foot long and more, brown and jointed like a scorpion. its ugly apparition and the sharp amazing painfulness of its bite were too much for mr. carrington's equilibrium. he felt himself going, and yelled aloud. over he toppled, face foremost, splash! into the pool. the boy saw him vanish, and heard the splashing of his struggle in the water. the unfortunate man emerged again into the boy's field of vision, hatless and streaming with water, and screaming! never before had the boy heard screams from a man. this astonishing stranger appeared to be tearing at something on the side of his face. there appeared streaks of blood there. he flung out his arms as if in despair, leapt in the air like a frantic creature, ran violently ten or twelve yards, and then fell and rolled on the ground and over and out of sight of the boy. the lad was down the steps and through the hedge in a trice--happily with the garden shears still in hand. as he came crashing through the gorse bushes, he says he was half minded to turn back, fearing he had to deal with a lunatic, but the possession of the shears reassured him. "i could 'ave jabbed his eyes," he explained, "anyhow." directly mr. carrington caught sight of him, his demeanour became at once that of a sane but desperate man. he struggled to his feet, stumbled, stood up, and came to meet the boy. "look!" he cried, "i can't get 'em off!" and with a qualm of horror the boy saw that, attached to mr. carrington's cheek, to his bare arm, and to his thigh, and lashing furiously with their lithe brown muscular bodies, were three of these horrible larvae, their great jaws buried deep in his flesh and sucking for dear life. they had the grip of bulldogs, and mr. carrington's efforts to detach the monsters from his face had only served to lacerate the flesh to which it had attached itself, and streak face and neck and coat with living scarlet. "i'll cut 'im," cried the boy; "'old on, sir." and with the zest of his age in such proceedings, he severed one by one the heads from the bodies of mr. carrington's assailants. "yup," said the boy with a wincing face as each one fell before him. even then, so tough and determined was their grip that the severed heads remained for a space, still fiercely biting home and still sucking, with the blood streaming out of their necks behind. but the boy stopped that with a few more slashes of his scissors--in one of which mr. carrington was implicated. "i couldn't get 'em off!" repeated carrington, and stood for a space, swaying and bleeding profusely. he dabbed feeble hands at his injuries and examined the result upon his palms. then he gave way at the knees and fell headlong in a dead faint at the boy's feet, between the still leaping bodies of his defeated foes. very luckily it didn't occur to the boy to splash water on his face--for there were still more of these horrors under the alder roots--and instead he passed back by the pond and went into the garden with the intention of calling assistance. and there he met the gardener coachman and told him of the whole affair. when they got back to mr. carrington he was sitting up, dazed and weak, but able to warn them against the danger in the pool. ii. such were the circumstances by which the world had its first notification that the food was loose again. in another week keston common was in full operation as what naturalists call a centre of distribution. this time there were no wasps or rats, no earwigs and no nettles, but there were at least three water-spiders, several dragon-fly larvae which presently became dragon-flies, dazzling all kent with their hovering sapphire bodies, and a nasty gelatinous, scummy growth that swelled over the pond margin, and sent its slimy green masses surging halfway up the garden path to doctor winkles's house. and there began a growth of rushes and equisetum and potamogeton that ended only with the drying of the pond. it speedily became evident to the public mind that this time there was not simply one centre of distribution, but quite a number of centres. there was one at ealing--there can be no doubt now--and from that came the plague of flies and red spider; there was one at sunbury, productive of ferocious great eels, that could come ashore and kill sheep; and there was one in bloomsbury that gave the world a new strain of cockroaches of a quite terrible sort--an old house it was in bloomsbury, and much inhabited by undesirable things. abruptly the world found itself confronted with the hickleybrow experiences all over again, with all sorts of queer exaggerations of familiar monsters in the place of the giant hens and rats and wasps. each centre burst out with its own characteristic local fauna and flora.... we know now that every one of these centres corresponded to one of the patients of doctor winkles, but that was by no means apparent at the time. doctor winkles was the last person to incur any odium in the matter. there was a panic quite naturally, a passionate indignation, but it was indignation not against doctor winkles but against the food, and not so much against the food as against the unfortunate bensington, whom from the very first the popular imagination had insisted upon regarding as the sole and only person responsible for this new thing. the attempt to lynch him that followed is just one of those explosive events that bulk largely in history and are in reality the least significant of occurrences. the history of the outbreak is a mystery. the nucleus of the crowd certainly came from an anti-boomfood meeting in hyde park organised by extremists of the caterham party, but there seems no one in the world who actually first proposed, no one who ever first hinted a suggestion of the outrage at which so many people assisted. it is a problem for m. gustave le bon--a mystery in the psychology of crowds. the fact emerges that about three o'clock on sunday afternoon a remarkably big and ugly london crowd, entirely out of hand, came rolling down thursday street intent on bensington's exemplary death as a warning to all scientific investigators, and that it came nearer accomplishing its object than any london crowd has ever come since the hyde park railings came down in remote middle victorian times. this crowd came so close to its object indeed, that for the space of an hour or more a word would have settled the unfortunate gentleman's fate. the first intimation he had of the thing was the noise of the people outside. he went to the window and peered, realising nothing of what impended. for a minute perhaps he watched them seething about the entrance, disposing of an ineffectual dozen of policemen who barred their way, before he fully realised his own importance in the affair. it came upon him in a flash--that that roaring, swaying multitude was after him. he was all alone in the flat--fortunately perhaps--his cousin jane having gone down to ealing to have tea with a relation on her mother's side, and he had no more idea of how to behave under such circumstances than he had of the etiquette of the day of judgment. he was still dashing about the flat asking his furniture what he should do, turning keys in locks and then unlocking them again, making darts at door and window and bedroom--when the floor clerk came to him. "there isn't a moment, sir," he said. "they've got your number from the board in the hall! they're coming straight up!" he ran mr. bensington out into the passage, already echoing with the approaching tumult from the great staircase, locked the door behind them, and led the way into the opposite flat by means of his duplicate key. "it's our only chance now," he said. he flung up a window which opened on a ventilating shaft, and showed that the wall was set with iron staples that made the rudest and most perilous of wall ladders to serve as a fire escape from the upper flats. he shoved mr. bensington out of the window, showed him how to cling on, and pursued him up the ladder, goading and jabbing his legs with a bunch of keys whenever he desisted from climbing. it seemed to bensington at times that he must climb that vertical ladder for evermore. above, the parapet was inaccessibly remote, a mile perhaps, below--he did not care to think of things below. "steady on!" cried the clerk, and gripped his ankle. it was quite horrible having his ankle gripped like that, and mr. bensington tightened his hold on the iron staple above to a drowning clutch, and gave a faint squeal of terror. it became evident the clerk had broken a window, and then it seemed he had leapt a vast distance sideways, and there came the noise of a window-frame sliding in its sash. he was bawling things. mr. bensington moved his head round cautiously until he could see the clerk. "come down six steps," the clerk commanded. all this moving about seemed very foolish, but very, very cautiously mr. bensington lowered a foot. "don't pull me!" he cried, as the clerk made to help him from the open window. it seemed to him that to reach the window from the ladder would be a very respectable feat for a flying fox, and it was rather with the idea of a decent suicide than in any hope of accomplishing it that he made the step at last, and quite ruthlessly the clerk pulled him in. "you'll have to stop here," said the clerk; "my keys are no good here. it's an american lock. i'll get out and slam the door behind me and see if i can find the man of this floor. you'll be locked in. don't go to the window, that's all. it's the ugliest crowd i've ever seen. if only they think you're out they'll probably content themselves by breaking up your stuff--" "the indicator said in," said bensington. "the devil it did! well, anyhow, i'd better not be found--" he vanished with a slam of the door. bensington was left to his own initiative again. it took him under the bed. there presently he was found by cossar. bensington was almost comatose with terror when he was found, for cossar had burst the door in with his shoulder by jumping at it across the breadth of the passage. "come out of it, bensington," he said. "it's all right. it's me. we've got to get out of this. they're setting the place on fire. the porters are all clearing out. the servants are gone. it's lucky i caught the man who knew. "look here!" bensington, peering from under the bed, became aware of some unaccountable garments on cossar's arm, and, of all things, a black bonnet in his hand! "they're having a clear out," said cossar, "if they don't set the place on fire they'll come here. troops may not be here for an hour yet. fifty per cent. hooligans in the crowd, and the more furnished flats they go into the better they'll like it. obviously.... they mean a clear out. you put this skirt and bonnet on, bensington, and clear out with me." "d'you _mean_--?" began bensington, protruding a head, tortoise fashion. "i mean, put 'em on and come! obviously," and with a sudden vehemence he dragged bensington from under the bed, and began to dress him for his new impersonation of an elderly woman of the people. he rolled up his trousers and made him kick off his slippers, took off his collar and tie and coat and vest, slipped a black skirt over his head, and put on a red flannel bodice and a body over the same. he made him take off his all too characteristic spectacles, and clapped the bonnet on his head. "you might have been born an old woman," he said as he tied the strings. then came the spring-side boots--a terrible wrench for corns--and the shawl, and the disguise was complete. "up and down," said cossar, and bensington obeyed. "you'll do," said cossar. and in this guise it was, stumbling awkwardly over his unaccustomed skirts, shouting womanly imprecations upon his own head in a weird falsetto to sustain his part, and to the roaring note of a crowd bent upon lynching him, that the original discoverer of herakleophorbia iv. proceeded down the corridor of chesterfield mansions, mingled with that inflamed disorderly multitude, and passed out altogether from the thread of events that constitutes our story. never once after that escape did he meddle again with the stupendous development of the food of the gods he of all men had done most to begin. iii. this little man who started the whole thing passes out of the story, and after a time he passed altogether out of the world of things, visible and tellable. but because he started the whole thing it is seemly to give his exit an intercalary page of attention. one may picture him in his later days as tunbridge wells came to know him. for it was at tunbridge wells he reappeared after a temporary obscurity, so soon as he fully realised how transitory, how quite exceptional and unmeaning that fury of rioting was. he reappeared under the wing of cousin jane, treating himself for nervous shock to the exclusion of all other interests, and totally indifferent, as it seemed, to the battles that were raging then about those new centres of distribution, and about the baby children of the food. he took up his quarters at the mount glory hydrotherapeutic hotel, where there are quite extraordinary facilities for baths, carbonated baths, creosote baths, galvanic and faradic treatment, massage, pine baths, starch and hemlock baths, radium baths, light baths, heat baths, bran and needle baths, tar and birdsdown baths,--all sorts of baths; and he devoted his mind to the development of that system of curative treatment that was still imperfect when he died. and sometimes he would go down in a hired vehicle and a sealskin trimmed coat, and sometimes, when his feet permitted, he would walk to the pantiles, and there he would sip chalybeate water under the eye of his cousin jane. his stooping shoulders, his pink appearance, his beaming glasses, became a "feature" of tunbridge wells. no one was the least bit unkind to him, and indeed the place and the hotel seemed very glad to have the distinction of his presence. nothing could rob him of that distinction now. and though he preferred not to follow the development of his great invention in the daily papers, yet when he crossed the lounge of the hotel or walked down the pantiles and heard the whisper, "there he is! that's him!" it was not dissatisfaction that softened his mouth and gleamed for a moment in his eye. this little figure, this minute little figure, launched the food of the gods upon the world! one does not know which is the most amazing, the greatness or the littleness of these scientific and philosophical men. you figure him there on the pantiles, in the overcoat trimmed with fur. he stands under that chinaware window where the spring spouts, and holds and sips the glass of chalybeate water in his hand. one bright eye over the gilt rim is fixed, with an expression of inscrutable severity, on cousin jane. "mm," he says, and sips. so we make our souvenir, so we focus and photograph this discoverer of ours for the last time, and leave him, a mere dot in our foreground, and pass to the greater picture that has developed about him, to the story of his food, how the scattered giant children grew up day by day into a world that was all too small for them, and how the net of boomfood laws and boomfood conventions, which the boomfood commission was weaving even then, drew closer and closer upon them with every year of their growth, until-book ii the food in the village. chapter the first. the coming of the food. i. our theme, which began so compactly in mr. bensington's study, has already spread and branched, until it points this way and that, and henceforth our whole story is one of dissemination. to follow the food of the gods further is to trace the ramifications of a perpetually branching tree; in a little while, in the quarter of a lifetime, the food had trickled and increased from its first spring in the little farm near hickleybrow until it had spread,--it and the report and shadow of its power,--throughout the world. it spread beyond england very speedily. soon in america, all over the continent of europe, in japan, in australia, at last all over the world, the thing was working towards its appointed end. always it worked slowly, by indirect courses and against resistance. it was bigness insurgent. in spite of prejudice, in spite of law and regulation, in spite of all that obstinate conservatism that lies at the base of the formal order of mankind, the food of the gods, once it had been set going, pursued its subtle and invincible progress. the children of the food grew steadily through all these years; that was the cardinal fact of the time. but it is the leakages make history. the children who had eaten grew, and soon there were other children growing; and all the best intentions in the world could not stop further leakages and still further leakages. the food insisted on escaping with the pertinacity of a thing alive. flour treated with the stuff crumbled in dry weather almost as if by intention into an impalpable powder, and would lift and travel before the lightest breeze. now it would be some fresh insect won its way to a temporary fatal new development, now some fresh outbreak from the sewers of rats and such-like vermin. for some days the village of pangbourne in berkshire fought with giant ants. three men were bitten and died. there would be a panic, there would be a struggle, and the salient evil would be fought down again, leaving always something behind, in the obscurer things of life--changed for ever. then again another acute and startling outbreak, a swift upgrowth of monstrous weedy thickets, a drifting dissemination about the world of inhumanly growing thistles, of cockroaches men fought with shot guns, or a plague of mighty flies. there were some strange and desperate struggles in obscure places. the food begot heroes in the cause of littleness ... and men took such happenings into their lives, and met them by the expedients of the moment, and told one another there was "no change in the essential order of things." after the first great panic, caterham, in spite of his power of eloquence, became a secondary figure in the political world, remained in men's minds as the exponent of an extreme view. only slowly did he win a way towards a central position in affairs. "there was no change in the essential order of things,"--that eminent leader of modern thought, doctor winkles, was very clear upon this,--and the exponents of what was called in those days progressive liberalism grew quite sentimental upon the essential insincerity of their progress. their dreams, it would appear, ran wholly on little nations, little languages, little households, each self-supported on its little farm. a fashion for the small and neat set in. to be big was to be "vulgar," and dainty, neat, mignon, miniature, "minutely perfect," became the key-words of critical approval.... meanwhile, quietly, taking their time as children must, the children of the food, growing into a world that changed to receive them, gathered strength and stature and knowledge, became individual and purposeful, rose slowly towards the dimensions of their destiny. presently they seemed a natural part of the world; all these stirrings of bigness seemed a natural part of the world, and men wondered how things had been before their time. there came to men's ears stories of things the giant boys could do, and they said "wonderful!"--without a spark of wonder. the popular papers would tell of the three sons of cossar, and how these amazing children would lift great cannons, hurl masses of iron for hundreds of yards, and leap two hundred feet. they were said to be digging a well, deeper than any well or mine that man had ever made, seeking, it was said, for treasures hidden in the earth since ever the earth began. these children, said the popular magazines, will level mountains, bridge seas, tunnel your earth to a honeycomb. "wonderful!" said the little folks, "isn't it? what a lot of conveniences we shall have!" and went about their business as though there was no such thing as the food of the gods on earth. and indeed these things were no more than the first hints and promises of the powers of the children of the food. it was still no more than child's play with them, no more than the first use of a strength in which no purpose had arisen. they did not know themselves for what they were. they were children--slow-growing children of a new race. the giant strength grew day by day--the giant will had still to grow into purpose and an aim. looking at it in a shortened perspective of time, those years of transition have the quality of a single consecutive occurrence; but indeed no one saw the coming of bigness in the world, as no one in all the world till centuries had passed saw, as one happening, the decline and fall of rome. they who lived in those days were too much among these developments to see them together as a single thing. it seemed even to wise men that the food was giving the world nothing but a crop of unmanageable, disconnected irrelevancies, that might shake and trouble indeed, but could do no more to the established order and fabric of mankind. to one observer at least the most wonderful thing throughout that period of accumulating stress is the invincible inertia of the great mass of people, their quiet persistence in all that ignored the enormous presences, the promise of still more enormous things, that grew among them. just as many a stream will be at its smoothest, will look most tranquil, running deep and strong, at the very verge of a cataract, so all that is most conservative in man seemed settling quietly into a serene ascendency during these latter days. reaction became popular: there was talk of the bankruptcy of science, of the dying of progress, of the advent of the mandarins,--talk of such things amidst the echoing footsteps of the children of the food. the fussy pointless revolutions of the old time, a vast crowd of silly little people chasing some silly little monarch and the like, had indeed died out and passed away; but change had not died out. it was only change that had changed. the new was coming in its own fashion and beyond the common understanding of the world. to tell fully of its coming would be to write a great history, but everywhere there was a parallel chain of happenings. to tell therefore of the manner of its coming in one place is to tell something of the whole. it chanced one stray seed of immensity fell into the pretty, petty village of cheasing eyebright in kent, and from the story of its queer germination there and of the tragic futility that ensued, one may attempt--following one thread, as it were--to show the direction in which the whole great interwoven fabric of the thing rolled off the loom of time. ii. cheasing eyebright had of course a vicar. there are vicars and vicars, and of all sorts i love an innovating vicar--a piebald progressive professional reactionary--the least. but the vicar of cheasing eyebright was one of the least innovating of vicars, a most worthy, plump, ripe, and conservative-minded little man. it is becoming to go back a little in our story to tell of him. he matched his village, and one may figure them best together as they used to be, on the sunset evening when mrs. skinner--you will remember her flight!--brought the food with her all unsuspected into these rustic serenities. the village was looking its very best just then, under that western light. it lay down along the valley beneath the beechwoods of the hanger, a beading of thatched and red-tiled cottages--cottages with trellised porches and pyracanthus-lined faces, that clustered closer and closer as the road dropped from the yew trees by the church towards the bridge. the vicarage peeped not too ostentatiously between the trees beyond the inn, an early georgian front ripened by time, and the spire of the church rose happily in the depression made by the valley in the outline of the hills. a winding stream, a thin intermittency of sky blue and foam, glittered amidst a thick margin of reeds and loosestrife and overhanging willows, along the centre of a sinuous pennant of meadow. the whole prospect had that curiously english quality of ripened cultivation--that look of still completeness--that apes perfection, under the sunset warmth. and the vicar too looked mellow. he looked habitually and essentially mellow, as though he had been a mellow baby born into a mellow class, a ripe and juicy little boy. one could see, even before he mentioned it, that he had gone to an ivy-clad public school in its anecdotage, with magnificent traditions, aristocratic associations, and no chemical laboratories, and proceeded thence to a venerable college in the very ripest gothic. few books he had younger than a thousand years; of these, yarrow and ellis and good pre-methodist sermons made the bulk. he was a man of moderate height, a little shortened in appearance by his equatorial dimensions, and a face that had been mellow from the first was now climacterically ripe. the beard of a david hid his redundancy of chin; he wore no watch chain out of refinements and his modest clerical garments were made by a west end tailor.... and he sat with a hand on either shin, blinking at his village in beatific approval. he waved a plump palm towards it. his burthen sang out again. what more could any one desire? "we are fortunately situated," he said, putting the thing tamely. "we are in a fastness of the hills," he expanded. he explained himself at length. "we are out of it all." for they had been talking, he and his friend, of the horrors of the age, of democracy, and secular education, and sky scrapers, and motor cars, and the american invasion, the scrappy reading of the public, and the disappearance of any taste at all. "we are out of it all," he repeated, and even as he spoke the footsteps of some one coming smote upon his ear, and he rolled over and regarded her. you figure the old woman's steadfastly tremulous advance, the bundle clutched in her gnarled lank hand, her nose (which was her countenance) wrinkled with breathless resolution. you see the poppies nodding fatefully on her bonnet, and the dust-white spring-sided boots beneath her skimpy skirts, pointing with an irrevocable slow alternation east and west. beneath her arm, a restive captive, waggled and slipped a scarcely valuable umbrella. what was there to tell the vicar that this grotesque old figure was--so far as his village was concerned at any rate--no less than fruitful chance and the unforeseen, the hag weak men call fate. but for us, you understand, no more than mrs. skinner. as she was too much encumbered for a curtsey, she pretended not to see him and his friend at all, and so passed, flip-flop, within three yards of them, onward down towards the village. the vicar watched her slow transit in silence, and ripened a remark the while.... the incident seemed to him of no importance whatever. old womankind, _aere perennius_, has carried bundles since the world began. what difference has it made? "we are out of it all," said the vicar. "we live in an atmosphere of simple and permanent things, birth and toil, simple seed-time and simple harvest. the uproar passes us by." he was always very great upon what he called the permanent things. "things change," he would say, "but humanity--_aere perennius_." thus the vicar. he loved a classical quotation subtly misapplied. below, mrs. skinner, inelegant but resolute, had involved herself curiously with wilmerding's stile. iii. no one knows what the vicar made of the giant puff-balls. no doubt he was among the first to discover them. they were scattered at intervals up and down the path between the near down and the village end--a path he frequented daily in his constitutional round. altogether, of these abnormal fungi there were, from first to last, quite thirty. the vicar seems to have stared at each severally, and to have prodded most of them with his stick once or twice. one he attempted to measure with his arms, but it burst at his ixion embrace. he spoke to several people about them, and said they were "marvellous!" and he related to at least seven different persons the well-known story of the flagstone that was lifted from the cellar floor by a growth of fungi beneath. he looked up his sowerby to see if it was _lycoperdon coelatum_ or _giganteum_--like all his kind since gilbert white became famous, he gilbert-whited. he cherished a theory that _giganteum_ is unfairly named. one does not know if he observed that those white spheres lay in the very track that old woman of yesterday had followed, or if he noted that the last of the series swelled not a score of yards from the gate of the caddles' cottage. if he observed these things, he made no attempt to place his observation on record. his observation in matters botanical was what the inferior sort of scientific people call a "trained observation"--you look for certain definite things and neglect everything else. and he did nothing to link this phenomenon with the remarkable expansion of the caddles' baby that had been going on now for some weeks, indeed ever since caddles walked over one sunday afternoon a month or more ago to see his mother-in-law and hear mr. skinner (since defunct) brag about his management of hens. iv. the growth of the puff-balls following on the expansion of the caddles' baby really ought to have opened the vicar's eyes. the latter fact had already come right into his arms at the christening--almost over-poweringly.... the youngster bawled with deafening violence when the cold water that sealed its divine inheritance and its right to the name of "albert edward caddles" fell upon its brow. it was already beyond maternal porterage, and caddles, staggering indeed, but grinning triumphantly at quantitatively inferior parents, bore it back to the free-sitting occupied by his party. "i never saw such a child!" said the vicar. this was the first public intimation that the caddles' baby, which had begun its earthly career a little under seven pounds, did after all intend to be a credit to its parents. very soon it was clear it meant to be not only a credit but a glory. and within a month their glory shone so brightly as to be, in connection with people in the caddles' position, improper. the butcher weighed the infant eleven times. he was a man of few words, and he soon got through with them. the first time he said, "e's a good un;" the next time he said, "my word!" the third time he said, "_well_, mum," and after that he simply blew enormously each time, scratched his head, and looked at his scales with an unprecedented mistrust. every one came to see the big baby--so it was called by universal consent--and most of them said, "e's a bouncer," and almost all remarked to him, "_did_ they?" miss fletcher came and said she "never _did_," which was perfectly true. lady wondershoot, the village tyrant, arrived the day after the third weighing, and inspected the phenomenon narrowly through glasses that filled it with howling terror. "it's an unusually big child," she told its mother, in a loud instructive voice. "you ought to take unusual care of it, caddles. of course it won't go on like this, being bottle fed, but we must do what we can for it. i'll send you down some more flannel." the doctor came and measured the child with a tape, and put the figures in a notebook, and old mr. drifthassock, who farmed by up marden, brought a manure traveller two miles out of their way to look at it. the traveller asked the child's age three times over, and said finally that he was blowed. he left it to be inferred how and why he was blowed; apparently it was the child's size blowed him. he also said it ought to be put into a baby show. and all day long, out of school hours, little children kept coming and saying, "please, mrs. caddles, mum, may we have a look at your baby, please, mum?" until mrs. caddles had to put a stop to it. and amidst all these scenes of amazement came mrs. skinner, and stood and smiled, standing somewhat in the background, with each sharp elbow in a lank gnarled hand, and smiling, smiling under and about her nose, with a smile of infinite profundity. "it makes even that old wretch of a grandmother look quite pleasant," said lady wondershoot. "though i'm sorry she's come back to the village." of course, as with almost all cottagers' babies, the eleemosynary element had already come in, but the child soon made it clear by colossal bawling, that so far as the filling of its bottle went, it hadn't come in yet nearly enough. the baby was entitled to a nine days' wonder, and every one wondered happily over its amazing growth for twice that time and more. and then you know, instead of its dropping into the background and giving place to other marvels, it went on growing more than ever! lady wondershoot heard mrs. greenfield, her housekeeper, with infinite amazement. "caddles downstairs again. no food for the child! my dear greenfield, it's impossible. the creature eats like a hippopotamus! i'm sure it can't be true." "i'm sure i hope you're not being imposed upon, my lady," said mrs. greenfield. "it's so difficult to tell with these people," said lady wondershoot. "now i do wish, my good greenfield, that you'd just go down there yourself this afternoon and _see_--see it have its bottle. big as it is, i cannot imagine that it needs more than six pints a day." "it hasn't no business to, my lady," said mrs. greenfield. the hand of lady wondershoot quivered, with that c.o.s. sort of emotion, that suspicious rage that stirs in all true aristocrats, at the thought that possibly the meaner classes are after all--as mean as their betters, and--where the sting lies--scoring points in the game. but mrs. greenfield could observe no evidence of peculation, and the order for an increasing daily supply to the caddles' nursery was issued. scarcely had the first instalment gone, when caddles was back again at the great house in a state abjectly apologetic. "we took the greates' care of 'em, mrs. greenfield, i do assure you, mum, but he's regular bust 'em! they flew with such vilence, mum, that one button broke a pane of the window, mum, and one hit me a regular stinger jest 'ere, mum." lady wondershoot, when she heard that this amazing child had positively burst out of its beautiful charity clothes, decided that she must speak to caddles herself. he appeared in her presence with his hair hastily wetted and smoothed by hand, breathless, and clinging to his hat brim as though it was a life-belt, and he stumbled at the carpet edge out of sheer distress of mind. lady wondershoot liked bullying caddles. caddles was her ideal lower-class person, dishonest, faithful, abject, industrious, and inconceivably incapable of responsibility. she told him it was a serious matter, the way his child was going on. "it's 'is appetite, my ladyship," said caddles, with a rising note. "check 'im, my ladyship, you can't," said caddles. "there 'e lies, my ladyship, and kicks out 'e does, and 'owls, that distressin'. we 'aven't the 'eart, my ladyship. if we 'ad--the neighbours would interfere...." lady wondershoot consulted the parish doctor. "what i want to know," said lady wondershoot, "is it _right_ this child should have such an extraordinary quantity of milk?" "the proper allowance for a child of that age," said the parish doctor, "is a pint and a half to two pints in the twenty-four hours. i don't see that you are called upon to provide more. if you do, it is your own generosity. of course we might try the legitimate quantity for a few days. but the child, i must admit, seems for some reason to be physiologically different. possibly what is called a sport. a case of general hypertrophy." "it isn't fair to the other parish children," said lady wondershoot. "i am certain we shall have complaints if this goes on." "i don't see that any one can be expected to give more than the recognised allowance. we might insist on its doing with that, or if it wouldn't, send it as a case into the infirmary." "i suppose," said lady wondershoot, reflecting, "that apart from the size and the appetite, you don't find anything else abnormal--nothing monstrous?" "no. no, i don't. but no doubt if this growth goes on, we shall find grave moral and intellectual deficiencies. one might almost prophesy that from max nordau's law. a most gifted and celebrated philosopher, lady wondershoot. he discovered that the abnormal is--abnormal, a most valuable discovery, and well worth bearing in mind. i find it of the utmost help in practice. when i come upon anything abnormal, i say at once, this is abnormal." his eyes became profound, his voice dropped, his manner verged upon the intimately confidential. he raised one hand stiffly. "and i treat it in that spirit," he said. v. "tut, tut!" said the vicar to his breakfast things--the day after the coming of mrs. skinner. "tut, tut! what's this?" and poised his glasses at his paper with a general air of remonstrance. "giant wasps! what's the world coming to? american journalists, i suppose! hang these novelties! giant gooseberries are good enough for me. "nonsense!" said the vicar, and drank off his coffee at a gulp, eyes steadfast on the paper, and smacked his lips incredulously. "bosh!" said the vicar, rejecting the hint altogether. but the next day there was more of it, and the light came. not all at once, however. when he went for his constitutional that day he was still chuckling at the absurd story his paper would have had him believe. wasps indeed--killing a dog! incidentally as he passed by the site of that first crop of puff-balls he remarked that the grass was growing very rank there, but he did not connect that in any way with the matter of his amusement. "we should certainly have heard something of it," he said; "whitstable can't be twenty miles from here." beyond he found another puff-ball, one of the second crop, rising like a roc's egg out of the abnormally coarsened turf. the thing came upon him in a flash. he did not take his usual round that morning. instead he turned aside by the second stile and came round to the caddles' cottage. "where's that baby?" he demanded, and at the sight of it, "goodness me!" he went up the village blessing his heart, and met the doctor full tilt coming down. he grasped his arm. "what does this _mean_?" he said. "have you seen the paper these last few days?" the doctor said he had. "well, what's the matter with that child? what's the matter with everything--wasps, puff-balls, babies, eh? what's making them grow so big? this is most unexpected. in kent too! if it was america now--" "it's a little difficult to say just what it is," said the doctor. "so far as i can grasp the symptoms--" "yes?" "it's hypertrophy--general hypertrophy." "hypertrophy?" "yes. general--affecting all the bodily structures--all the organism. i may say that in my own mind, between ourselves, i'm very nearly convinced it's that.... but one has to be careful." "ah," said the vicar, a good deal relieved to find the doctor equal to the situation. "but how is it it's breaking out in this fashion, all over the place?" "that again," said the doctor, "is difficult to say." "urshot. here. it's a pretty clear case of spreading." "yes," said the doctor. "yes. i think so. it has a strong resemblance at any rate to some sort of epidemic. probably epidemic hypertrophy will meet the case." "epidemic!" said the vicar. "you don't mean it's contagious?" the doctor smiled gently and rubbed one hand against the other. "that i couldn't say," he said. "but---!" cried the vicar, round-eyed. "if it's _catching_--it--it affects _us!_" he made a stride up the road and turned about. "i've just been there," he cried. "hadn't i better---? i'll go home at once and have a bath and fumigate my clothes." the doctor regarded his retreating back for a moment, and then turned about and went towards his own house.... but on the way he reflected that one case had been in the village a month without any one catching the disease, and after a pause of hesitation decided to be as brave as a doctor should be and take the risks like a man. and indeed he was well advised by his second thoughts. growth was the last thing that could ever happen to him again. he could have eaten--and the vicar could have eaten--herakleophorbia by the truckful. for growth had done with them. growth had done with these two gentlemen for evermore. vi. it was a day or so after this conversation--a day or so, that is, after the burning of the experimental farm--that winkles came to redwood and showed him an insulting letter. it was an anonymous letter, and an author should respect his character's secrets. "you are only taking credit for a natural phenomenon," said the letter, "and trying to advertise yourself by your letter to the _times_. you and your boomfood! let me tell you, this absurdly named food of yours has only the most accidental connection with those big wasps and rats. the plain fact is there is an epidemic of hypertrophy--contagious hypertrophy--which you have about as much claim to control as you have to control the solar system. the thing is as old as the hills. there was hypertrophy in the family of anak. quite outside your range, at cheasing eyebright, at the present time there is a baby--" "shaky up and down writing. old gentleman apparently," said redwood. "but it's odd a baby--" he read a few lines further, and had an inspiration. "by jove!" said he. "that's my missing mrs. skinner!" he descended upon her suddenly in the afternoon of the following day. she was engaged in pulling onions in the little garden before her daughter's cottage when she saw him coming through the garden gate. she stood for a moment "consternated," as the country folks say, and then folded her arms, and with the little bunch of onions held defensively under her left elbow, awaited his approach. her mouth opened and shut several times; she mumbled her remaining tooth, and once quite suddenly she curtsied, like the blink of an arc-light. "i thought i should find you," said redwood. "i thought you might, sir," she said, without joy. "where's skinner?" "'e ain't never written to me, sir, not once, nor come nigh of me since i came here. sir." "don't you know what's become of him?" "him not having written, no, sir," and she edged a step towards the left with an imperfect idea of cutting off redwood from the barn door. "no one knows what has become of him," said redwood. "i dessay '_e_ knows," said mrs. skinner. "he doesn't tell." "he was always a great one for looking after 'imself and leaving them that was near and dear to 'im in trouble, was skinner. though clever as could be," said mrs. skinner.... "where's this child?" asked redwood abruptly. she begged his pardon. "this child i hear about, the child you've been giving our stuff to--the child that weighs two stone." mrs. skinner's hands worked, and she dropped the onions. "reely, sir," she protested, "i don't hardly know, sir, what you mean. my daughter, sir, mrs. caddles, '_as_ a baby, sir." and she made an agitated curtsey and tried to look innocently inquiring by tilting her nose to one side. "you'd better let me see that baby, mrs. skinner," said redwood. mrs. skinner unmasked an eye at him as she led the way towards the barn. "of course, sir, there may 'ave been a _little_, in a little can of nicey i give his father to bring over from the farm, or a little perhaps what i happened to bring about with me, so to speak. me packing in a hurry and all ..." "um!" said redwood, after he had cluckered to the infant for a space. "oom!" he told mrs. caddles the baby was a very fine child indeed, a thing that was getting well home to her intelligence--and he ignored her altogether after that. presently she left the barn--through sheer insignificance. "now you've started him, you'll have to keep on with him, you know," he said to mrs. skinner. he turned on her abruptly. "don't splash it about _this_ time," he said. "splash it about, sir?" "oh! _you_ know." she indicated knowledge by convulsive gestures. "you haven't told these people here? the parents, the squire and so on at the big house, the doctor, no one?" mrs. skinner shook her head. "i wouldn't," said redwood.... he went to the door of the barn and surveyed the world about him. the door of the barn looked between the end of the cottage and some disused piggeries through a five-barred gate upon the highroad. beyond was a high, red brick-wall rich with ivy and wallflower and pennywort, and set along the top with broken glass. beyond the corner of the wall, a sunlit notice-board amidst green and yellow branches reared itself above the rich tones of the first fallen leaves and announced that "trespassers in these woods will be prosecuted." the dark shadow of a gap in the hedge threw a stretch of barbed wire into relief. "um," said redwood, then in a deeper note, "oom!" there came a clatter of horses and the sound of wheels, and lady wondershoot's greys came into view. he marked the faces of coachman and footman as the equipage approached. the coachman was a very fine specimen, full and fruity, and he drove with a sort of sacramental dignity. others might doubt their calling and position in the world, he at any rate was sure--he drove her ladyship. the footman sat beside him with folded arms and a face of inflexible certainties. then the great lady herself became visible, in a hat and mantle disdainfully inelegant, peering through her glasses. two young ladies protruded necks and peered also. the vicar passing on the other side swept off the hat from his david's brow unheeded.... redwood remained standing in the doorway for a long time after the carriage had passed, his hands folded behind him. his eyes went to the green, grey upland of down, and into the cloud-curdled sky, and came back to the glass-set wall. he turned upon the cool shadows within, and amidst spots and blurs of colour regarded the giant child amidst that rembrandtesque gloom, naked except for a swathing of flannel, seated upon a huge truss of straw and playing with its toes. "i begin to see what we have done," he said. he mused, and young caddles and his own child and cossar's brood mingled in his musing. he laughed abruptly. "good lord!" he said at some passing thought. he roused himself presently and addressed mrs. skinner. "anyhow he mustn't be tortured by a break in his food. that at least we can prevent. i shall send you a can every six months. that ought to do for him all right." mrs. skinner mumbled something about "if you think so, sir," and "probably got packed by mistake.... thought no harm in giving him a little," and so by the aid of various aspen gestures indicated that she understood. so the child went on growing. and growing. "practically," said lady wondershoot, "he's eaten up every calf in the place. if i have any more of this sort of thing from that man caddles--" vii. but even so secluded a place as cheasing eyebright could not rest for long in the theory of hypertrophy--contagious or not--in view of the growing hubbub about the food. in a little while there were painful explanations for mrs. skinner--explanations that reduced her to speechless mumblings of her remaining tooth--explanations that probed her and ransacked her and exposed her--until at last she was driven to take refuge from a universal convergence of blame in the dignity of inconsolable widowhood. she turned her eye--which she constrained to be watery--upon the angry lady of the manor, and wiped suds from her hands. "you forget, my lady, what i'm bearing up under." and she followed up this warning note with a slightly defiant: "it's 'im i think of, my lady, night _and_ day." she compressed her lips, and her voice flattened and faltered: "bein' et, my lady." and having established herself on these grounds, she repeated the affirmation her ladyship had refused before. "i 'ad no more idea what i was giving the child, my lady, than any one _could_ 'ave...." her ladyship turned her mind in more hopeful directions, wigging caddles of course tremendously by the way. emissaries, full of diplomatic threatenings, entered the whirling lives of bensington and redwood. they presented themselves as parish councillors, stolid and clinging phonographically to prearranged statements. "we hold you responsible, mister bensington, for the injury inflicted upon our parish, sir. we hold you responsible." a firm of solicitors, with a snake of a style--banghurst, brown, flapp, codlin, brown, tedder, and snoxton, they called themselves, and appeared invariably in the form of a small rufous cunning-looking gentleman with a pointed nose--said vague things about damages, and there was a polished personage, her ladyship's agent, who came in suddenly upon redwood one day and asked, "well, sir, and what do you propose to do?" to which redwood answered that he proposed to discontinue supplying the food for the child, if he or bensington were bothered any further about the matter. "i give it for nothing as it is," he said, "and the child will yell your village to ruins before it dies if you don't let it have the stuff. the child's on your hands, and you have to keep it. lady wondershoot can't always be lady bountiful and earthly providence of her parish without sometimes meeting a responsibility, you know." "the mischief's done," lady wondershoot decided when they told her--with expurgations--what redwood had said. "the mischief's done," echoed the vicar. though indeed as a matter of fact the mischief was only beginning. chapter the second. the brat gigantic. i. the giant child was ugly--the vicar would insist. "he always had been ugly--as all excessive things must be." the vicar's views had carried him out of sight of just judgment in this matter. the child was much subjected to snapshots even in that rustic retirement, and their net testimony is against the vicar, testifying that the young monster was at first almost pretty, with a copious curl of hair reaching to his brow and a great readiness to smile. usually caddles, who was slightly built, stands smiling behind the baby, perspective emphasising his relative smallness. after the second year the good looks of the child became more subtle and more contestable. he began to grow, as his unfortunate grandfather would no doubt have put it, "rank." he lost colour and developed an increasing effect of being somehow, albeit colossal, yet slight. he was vastly delicate. his eyes and something about his face grew finer--grew, as people say, "interesting." his hair, after one cutting, began to tangle into a mat. "it's the degenerate strain coming out in him," said the parish doctor, marking these things, but just how far he was right in that, and just how far the youngster's lapse from ideal healthfulness was the result of living entirely in a whitewashed barn upon lady wondershoot's sense of charity tempered by justice, is open to question. the photographs of him that present him from three to six show him developing into a round-eyed, flaxen-haired youngster with a truncated nose and a friendly stare. there lurks about his lips that never very remote promise of a smile that all the photographs of the early giant children display. in summer he wears loose garments of ticking tacked together with string; there is usually one of those straw baskets upon his head that workmen use for their tools, and he is barefooted. in one picture he grins broadly and holds a bitten melon in his hand. the winter pictures are less numerous and satisfactory. he wears huge sabots--no doubt of beechwoods and (as fragments of the inscription "john stickells, iping," show) sacks for socks, and his trousers and jacket are unmistakably cut from the remains of a gaily patterned carpet. underneath that there were rude swathings of flannel; five or six yards of flannel are tied comforter-fashion about his neck. the thing on his head is probably another sack. he stares, sometimes smiling, sometimes a little ruefully, at the camera. even when he was only five years old, one sees that half whimsical wrinkling over his soft brown eyes that characterised his face. he was from the first, the vicar always declared, a terrible nuisance about the village. he seems to have had a proportionate impulse to play, much curiosity and sociability, and in addition there was a certain craving within him--i grieve to say--for more to eat. in spite of what mrs. greenfield called an "_excessively_ generous" allowance of food from lady wondershoot, he displayed what the doctor perceived at once was the "criminal appetite." it carries out only too completely lady wondershoot's worst experiences of the lower classes--that in spite of an allowance of nourishment inordinately beyond what is known to be the maximum necessity even of an adult human being, the creature was found to steal. and what he stole he ate with an inelegant voracity. his great hand would come over garden walls; he would covet the very bread in the bakers' carts. cheeses went from marlow's store loft, and never a pig trough was safe from him. some farmer walking over his field of swedes would find the great spoor of his feet and the evidence of his nibbling hunger--a root picked here, a root picked there, and the holes, with childish cunning, heavily erased. he ate a swede as one devours a radish. he would stand and eat apples from a tree, if no one was about, as normal children eat blackberries from a bush. in one way at any rate this shortness of provisions was good for the peace of cheasing eyebright--for many years he ate up every grain very nearly of the food of the gods that was given him.... indisputably the child was troublesome and out of place, "he was always about," the vicar used to say. he could not go to school; he could not go to church by virtue of the obvious limitations of its cubical content. there was some attempt to satisfy the spirit of that "most foolish and destructive law"--i quote the vicar--the elementary education act of 1870, by getting him to sit outside the open window while instruction was going on within. but his presence there destroyed the discipline of the other children. they were always popping up and peering at him, and every time he spoke they laughed together. his voice was so odd! so they let him stay away. nor did they persist in pressing him to come to church, for his vast proportions were of little help to devotion. yet there they might have had an easier task; there are good reasons for guessing there were the germs of religious feeling somewhere in that big carcase. the music perhaps drew him. he was often in the churchyard on a sunday morning, picking his way softly among the graves after the congregation had gone in, and he would sit the whole service out beside the porch, listening as one listens outside a hive of bees. at first he showed a certain want of tact; the people inside would hear his great feet crunch restlessly round their place of worship, or become aware of his dim face peering in through the stained glass, half curious, half envious, and at times some simple hymn would catch him unawares, and he would howl lugubriously in a gigantic attempt at unison. whereupon little sloppet, who was organ-blower and verger and beadle and sexton and bell-ringer on sundays, besides being postman and chimney-sweep all the week, would go out very briskly and valiantly and send him mournfully away. sloppet, i am glad to say, felt it--in his more thoughtful moments at any rate. it was like sending a dog home when you start out for a walk, he told me. but the intellectual and moral training of young caddles, though fragmentary, was explicit. from the first, vicar, mother, and all the world, combined to make it clear to him that his giant strength was not for use. it was a misfortune that he had to make the best of. he had to mind what was told him, do what was set him, be careful never to break anything nor hurt anything. particularly he must not go treading on things or jostling against things or jumping about. he had to salute the gentlefolks respectful and be grateful for the food and clothing they spared him out of their riches. and he learnt all these things submissively, being by nature and habit a teachable creature and only by food and accident gigantic. for lady wondershoot, in these early days, he displayed the profoundest awe. she found she could talk to him best when she was in short skirts and had her dog-whip, and she gesticulated with that and was always a little contemptuous and shrill. but sometimes the vicar played master--a minute, middle-aged, rather breathless david pelting a childish goliath with reproof and reproach and dictatorial command. the monster was now so big that it seems it was impossible for any one to remember he was after all only a child of seven, with all a child's desire for notice and amusement and fresh experience, with all a child's craving for response, attention and affection, and all a child's capacity for dependence and unrestricted dulness and misery. the vicar, walking down the village road some sunlit morning, would encounter an ungainly eighteen feet of the inexplicable, as fantastic and unpleasant to him as some new form of dissent, as it padded fitfully along with craning neck, seeking, always seeking the two primary needs of childhood--something to eat and something with which to play. there would come a look of furtive respect into the creature's eyes and an attempt to touch the matted forelock. in a limited way the vicar had an imagination--at any rate, the remains of one--and with young caddles it took the line of developing the huge possibilities of personal injury such vast muscles must possess. suppose a sudden madness--! suppose a mere lapse into disrespect--! however, the truly brave man is not the man who does not feel fear but the man who overcomes it. every time and always the vicar got his imagination under. and he used always to address young caddles stoutly in a good clear service tenor. "being a good boy, albert edward?" and the young giant, edging closer to the wall and blushing deeply, would answer, "yessir--trying." "mind you do," said the vicar, and would go past him with at most a slight acceleration of his breathing. and out of respect for his manhood he made it a rule, whatever he might fancy, never to look back at the danger, when once it was passed. in a fitful manner the vicar would give young caddles private tuition. he never taught the monster to read--it was not needed; but he taught him the more important points of the catechism--his duty to his neighbour for example, and of that deity who would punish caddles with extreme vindictiveness if ever he ventured to disobey the vicar and lady wondershoot. the lessons would go on in the vicar's yard, and passers-by would hear that great cranky childish voice droning out the essential teachings of the established church. "to onner 'n 'bey the king and allooer put 'nthority under 'im. to s'bmit meself t'all my gov'ners, teachers, spir'shall pastors an' masters. to order myself lowly 'n rev'rently t'all my betters--" presently it became evident that the effect of the growing giant on unaccustomed horses was like that of a camel, and he was told to keep off the highroad, not only near the shrubbery (where the oafish smile over the wall had exasperated her ladyship extremely), but altogether. that law he never completely obeyed, because of the vast interest the highroad had for him. but it turned what had been his constant resort into a stolen pleasure. he was limited at last almost entirely to old pasture and the downs. i do not know what he would have done if it had not been for the downs. there there were spaces where he might wander for miles, and over these spaces he wandered. he would pick branches from trees and make insane vast nosegays there until he was forbidden, take up sheep and put them in neat rows, from which they immediately wandered (at this he invariably laughed very heartily), until he was forbidden, dig away the turf, great wanton holes, until he was forbidden.... he would wander over the downs as far as the hill above wreckstone, but not farther, because there he came upon cultivated land, and the people, by reason of his depredations upon their root-crops, and inspired moreover by a sort of hostile timidity his big unkempt appearance frequently evoked, always came out against him with yapping dogs to drive him away. they would threaten him and lash at him with cart whips. i have heard that they would sometimes fire at him with shot guns. and in the other direction he ranged within sight of hickleybrow. from above thursley hanger he could get a glimpse of the london, chatham, and dover railway, but ploughed fields and a suspicious hamlet prevented his nearer access. and after a time there came boards--great boards with red letters that barred him in every direction. he could not read what the letters said: "out of bounds," but in a little while he understood. he was often to be seen in those days, by the railway passengers, sitting, chin on knees, perched up on the down hard by the thursley chalk pits, where afterwards he was set working. the train seemed to inspire a dim emotion of friendliness in him, and sometimes he would wave an enormous hand at it, and sometimes give it a rustic incoherent hail. "big," the peering passenger would say. "one of these boom children. they say, sir, quite unable to do anything for itself--little better than an idiot in fact, and a great burden on the locality." "parents quite poor, i'm told." "lives on the charity of the local gentry." every one would stare intelligently at that distant squatting monstrous figure for a space. "good thing that was put a stop to," some spacious thinking mind would suggest. "nice to 'ave a few thousand of _them_ on the rates, eh?" and usually there was some one wise enough to tell this philosopher: "you're about right there, sir," in hearty tones. ii. he had his bad days. there was, for example, that trouble with the river. he made little boats out of whole newspapers, an art he learnt by watching the spender boy, and he set them sailing down the stream--great paper cocked-hats. when they vanished under the bridge which marks the boundary of the strictly private grounds about eyebright house, he would give a great shout and run round and across tormat's new field--lord! how tormat's pigs did scamper, to be sure, and turn their good fat into lean muscle!--and so to meet his boats by the ford. right across the nearer lawns these paper boats of his used to go, right in front of eyebright house, right under lady wondershoot's eyes! disorganising folded newspapers! a pretty thing! gathering enterprise from impunity, he began babyish hydraulic engineering. he delved a huge port for his paper fleets with an old shed door that served him as a spade, and, no one chancing to observe his operations just then, he devised an ingenious canal that incidentally flooded lady wondershoot's ice-house, and finally he dammed the river. he dammed it right across with a few vigorous doorfuls of earth--he must have worked like an avalanche--and down came a most amazing spate through the shrubbery and washed away miss spinks and her easel and the most promising water-colour sketch she had ever begun, or, at any rate, it washed away her easel and left her wet to the knees and dismally tucked up in flight to the house, and thence the waters rushed through the kitchen garden, and so by the green door into the lane and down into the riverbed again by short's ditch. meanwhile, the vicar, interrupted in conversation with the blacksmith, was amazed to see distressful stranded fish leaping out of a few residual pools, and heaped green weed in the bed of the stream, where ten minutes before there had been eight feet and more of clear cool water. after that, horrified at his own consequences, young caddles fled his home for two days and nights. he returned only at the insistent call of hunger, to bear with stoical calm an amount of violent scolding that was more in proportion to his size than anything else that had ever before fallen to his lot in the happy village. iii. immediately after that affair lady wondershoot, casting about for exemplary additions to the abuse and fastings she had inflicted, issued a ukase. she issued it first to her butler, and very suddenly, so that she made him jump. he was clearing away the breakfast things, and she was staring out of the tall window on the terrace where the fawns would come to be fed. "jobbet," she said, in her most imperial voice--"jobbet, this thing must work for its living." and she made it quite clear not only to jobbet (which was easy), but to every one else in the village, including young caddles, that in this matter, as in all things, she meant what she said. "keep him employed," said lady wondershoot. "that's the tip for master caddles." "it's the tip, i fancy, for all humanity," said the vicar. "the simple duties, the modest round, seed-time and harvest--" "exactly," said lady wondershoot. "what _i_ always say. satan finds some mischief still for idle hands to do. at any rate among the labouring classes. we bring up our under-housemaids on that principle, always. what shall we set him to do?" that was a little difficult. they thought of many things, and meanwhile they broke him in to labour a bit by using him instead of a horse messenger to carry telegrams and notes when extra speed was needed, and he also carried luggage and packing-cases and things of that sort very conveniently in a big net they found for him. he seemed to like employment, regarding it as a sort of game, and kinkle, lady wondershoot's agent, seeing him shift a rockery for her one day, was struck by the brilliant idea of putting him into her chalk quarry at thursley hanger, hard by hickleybrow. this idea was carried out, and it seemed they had settled his problem. he worked in the chalk pit, at first with the zest of a playing child, and afterwards with an effect of habit--delving, loading, doing all the haulage of the trucks, running the full ones down the lines towards the siding, and hauling the empty ones up by the wire of a great windlass--working the entire quarry at last single-handed. i am told that kinkle made a very good thing indeed out of him for lady wondershoot, consuming as he did scarcely anything but his food, though that never restrained her denunciation of "the creature" as a gigantic parasite upon her charity.... at that time he used to wear a sort of smock of sacking, trousers of patched leather, and iron-shod sabots. over his head was sometimes a queer thing--a worn-out beehive straw chair it was, but usually he went bareheaded. he would be moving about the pit with a powerful deliberation, and the vicar on his constitutional round would get there about midday to find him shamefully eating his vast need of food with his back to all the world. his food was brought to him every day, a mess of grain in the husk, in a truck--a small railway truck, like one of the trucks he was perpetually filling with chalk, and this load he used to char in an old limekiln and then devour. sometimes he would mix with it a bag of sugar. sometimes he would sit licking a lump of such salt as is given to cows, or eating a huge lump of dates, stones and all, such as one sees in london on barrows. for drink he walked to the rivulet beyond the burnt-out site of the experimental farm at hickleybrow and put down his face to the stream. it was from his drinking in that way after eating that the food of the gods did at last get loose, spreading first of all in huge weeds from the river-side, then in big frogs, bigger trout and stranding carp, and at last in a fantastic exuberance of vegetation all over the little valley. and after a year or so the queer monstrous grub things in the field before the blacksmith's grew so big and developed into such frightful skipjacks and cockchafers--motor cockchafers the boys called them--that they drove lady wondershoot abroad. iv. but soon the food was to enter upon a new phase of its work in him. in spite of the simple instructions of the vicar--instructions intended to round off the modest natural life befitting a giant peasant, in the most complete and final manner--he began to ask questions, to inquire into things, to _think_. as he grew from boyhood to adolescence it became increasingly evident that his mind had processes of its own--out of the vicar's control. the vicar did his best to ignore this distressing phenomenon, but still--he could feel it there. the young giant's material for thought lay about him. quite involuntarily, with his spacious views, his constant overlooking of things, he must have seen a good deal of human life, and as it grew clearer to him that he too, save for this clumsy greatness of his, was also human, he must have come to realise more and more just how much was shut against him by his melancholy distinction. the sociable hum of the school, the mystery of religion that was partaken in such finery, and which exhaled so sweet a strain of melody, the jovial chorusing from the inn, the warmly glowing rooms, candle-lit and fire-lit, into which he peered out of the darkness, or again the shouting excitement, the vigour of flannelled exercise upon some imperfectly understood issue that centred about the cricket-field--all these things must have cried aloud to his companionable heart. it would seem that as his adolescence crept upon him, he began to take a very considerable interest in the proceedings of lovers, in those preferences and pairings, those close intimacies that are so cardinal in life. one sunday, just about that hour when the stars and the bats and the passions of rural life come out, there chanced to be a young couple "kissing each other a bit" in love lane, the deep hedged lane that runs out back towards the upper lodge. they were giving their little emotions play, as secure in the warm still twilight as any lovers could be. the only conceivable interruption they thought possible must come pacing visibly up the lane; the twelve-foot hedge towards the silent downs seemed to them an absolute guarantee. then suddenly--incredibly--they were lifted and drawn apart. they discovered themselves held up, each with a finger and thumb under the armpits, and with the perplexed brown eyes of young caddles scanning their warm flushed faces. they were naturally dumb with the emotions of their situation. "_why_ do you like doing that?" asked young caddles. i gather the embarrassment continued until the swain remembering his manhood, vehemently, with loud shouts, threats, and virile blasphemies, such as became the occasion, bade young caddles under penalties put them down. whereupon young caddles, remembering his manners, did put them down politely and very carefully, and conveniently near for a resumption of their embraces, and having hesitated above them for a while, vanished again into the twilight ... "but i felt precious silly," the swain confided to me. "we couldn't 'ardly look at one another--bein' caught like that. "kissing we was--_you_ know. "and the cur'ous thing is, she blamed it all on to me," said the swain. "flew out something outrageous, and wouldn't 'ardly speak to me all the way 'ome...." the giant was embarking upon investigations, there could be no doubt. his mind, it became manifest, was throwing up questions. he put them to few people as yet, but they troubled him. his mother, one gathers, sometimes came in for cross-examination. he used to come into the yard behind his mother's cottage, and, after a careful inspection of the ground for hens and chicks, he would sit down slowly with his back against the barn. in a minute the chicks, who liked him, would be pecking all over him at the mossy chalk-mud in the seams of his clothing, and if it was blowing up for wet, mrs. caddles' kitten, who never lost her confidence in him, would assume a sinuous form and start scampering into the cottage, up to the kitchen fender, round, out, up his leg, up his body, right up to his shoulder, meditative moment, and then scat! back again, and so on. sometimes she would stick her claws in his face out of sheer gaiety of heart, but he never dared to touch her because of the uncertain weight of his hand upon a creature so frail. besides, he rather liked to be tickled. and after a time he would put some clumsy questions to his mother. "mother," he would say, "if it's good to work, why doesn't every one work?" his mother would look up at him and answer, "it's good for the likes of us." he would meditate, "_why_?" and going unanswered, "what's work _for_, mother? why do i cut chalk and you wash clothes, day after day, while lady wondershoot goes about in her carriage, mother, and travels off to those beautiful foreign countries you and i mustn't see, mother?" "she's a lady," said mrs. caddles. "oh," said young caddles, and meditated profoundly. "if there wasn't gentlefolks to make work for us to do," said mrs. caddles, "how should we poor people get a living?" this had to be digested. "mother," he tried again; "if there wasn't any gentlefolks, wouldn't things belong to people like me and you, and if they did--" "lord sakes and _drat_ the boy!" mrs. caddles would say--she had with the help of a good memory become quite a florid and vigorous individuality since mrs. skinner died. "since your poor dear grandma was took, there's no abiding you. don't you arst no questions and you won't be told no lies. if once i was to start out answerin' you _serious_, y'r father 'd 'ave to go' and arst some one else for 'is supper--let alone finishing the washin'." "all right, mother," he would say, after a wondering stare at her. "i didn't mean to worry." and he would go on thinking. v. he was thinking too four years after, when the vicar, now no longer ripe but over-ripe, saw him for the last time of all. you figure the old gentleman visibly a little older now, slacker in his girth, a little coarsened and a little weakened in his thought and speech, with a quivering shakiness in his hand and a quivering shakiness in his convictions, but his eye still bright and merry for all the trouble the food had caused his village and himself. he had been frightened at times and disturbed, but was he not alive still and the same still? and fifteen long years--a fair sample of eternity--had turned the trouble into use and wont. "it was a disturbance, i admit," he would say, "and things are different--different in many ways. there was a time when a boy could weed, but now a man must go out with axe and crowbar--in some places down by the thickets at least. and it's a little strange still to us old-fashioned people for all this valley, even what used to be the river bed before they irrigated, to be under wheat--as it is this year--twenty-five feet high. they used the old-fashioned scythe here twenty years ago, and they would bring home the harvest on a wain--rejoicing--in a simple honest fashion. a little simple drunkenness, a little frank love-making, to conclude ... poor dear lady wondershoot--she didn't like these innovations. very conservative, poor dear lady! a touch of the eighteenth century about her, i always said. her language for example ... bluff vigour ... "she died comparatively poor. these big weeds got into her garden. she was not one of these gardening women, but she liked her garden in order--things growing where they were planted and as they were planted--under control ... the way things grew was unexpected--upset her ideas ... she didn't like the perpetual invasion of this young monster--at last she began to fancy he was always gaping at her over her wall ... she didn't like his being nearly as high as her house ... jarred with her sense of proportion. poor dear lady! i had hoped she would last my time. it was the big cockchafers we had for a year or so that decided her. they came from the giant larvae--nasty things as big as rats--in the valley turf ... "and the ants no doubt weighed with her also. "since everything was upset and there was no peace and quietness anywhere now, she said she thought she might just as well be at monte carlo as anywhere else. and she went. "she played pretty boldly, i'm told. died in a hotel there. very sad end... exile... not--not what one considers meet... a natural leader of our english people... uprooted. so i... "yet after all," harped the vicar, "it comes to very little. a nuisance of course. children cannot run about so freely as they used to do, what with ant bites and so forth. perhaps it's as well ... there used to be talk--as though this stuff would revolutionise everything ... but there is something that defies all these forces of the new ... i don't know of course. i'm not one of your modern philosophers--explain everything with ether and atoms. evolution. rubbish like that. what i mean is something the 'ologies don't include. matter of reason--not understanding. ripe wisdom. human nature. _aere perennius._ ... call it what you will." and so at last it came to the last time. the vicar had no intimation of what lay so close upon him. he did his customary walk, over by farthing down, as he had done it for more than a score of years, and so to the place whence he would watch young caddles. he did the rise over by the chalk-pit crest a little puffily--he had long since lost the muscular christian stride of early days; but caddles was not at his work, and then, as he skirted the thicket of giant bracken that was beginning to obscure and overshadow the hanger, he came upon the monster's huge form seated on the hill--brooding as it were upon the world. caddles' knees were drawn up, his cheek was on his hand, his head a little aslant. he sat with his shoulder towards the vicar, so that those perplexed eyes could not be seen. he must have been thinking very intently--at any rate he was sitting very still ... he never turned round. he never knew that the vicar, who had played so large a part in shaping his life, looked then at him for the very last of innumerable times--did not know even that he was there. (so it is so many partings happen.) the vicar was struck at the time by the fact that, after all, no one on earth had the slightest idea of what this great monster thought about when he saw fit to rest from his labours. but he was too indolent to follow up that new theme that day; he fell back from its suggestion into his older grooves of thought. "_aere-perennius,"_ he whispered, walking slowly homeward by a path that no longer ran straight athwart the turf after its former fashion, but wound circuitously to avoid new sprung tussocks of giant grass. "no! nothing is changed. dimensions are nothing. the simple round, the common way--" and that night, quite painlessly, and all unknowing, he himself went the common way--out of this mystery of change he had spent his life in denying. they buried him in the churchyard of cheasing eyebright, near to the largest yew, and the modest tombstone bearing his epitaph--it ended with: _ut in principio, nunc est et semper_--was almost immediately hidden from the eye of man by a spread of giant, grey tasselled grass too stout for scythe or sheep, that came sweeping like a fog over the village out of the germinating moisture of the valley meadows in which the food of the gods had been working. book iii. the harvest of the food. chapter the first. the altered world. i. change played in its new fashion with the world for twenty years. to most men the new things came little by little and day by day, remarkably enough, but not so abruptly as to overwhelm. but to one man at least the full accumulation of those two decades of the food's work was to be revealed suddenly and amazingly in one day. for our purpose it is convenient to take him for that one day and to tell something of the things he saw. this man was a convict, a prisoner for life--his crime is no concern of ours--whom the law saw fit to pardon after twenty years. one summer morning this poor wretch, who had left the world a young man of three-and-twenty, found himself thrust out again from the grey simplicity of toil and discipline, that had become his life, into a dazzling freedom. they had put unaccustomed clothes upon him; his hair had been growing for some weeks, and he had parted it now for some days, and there he stood, in a sort of shabby and clumsy newness of body and mind, blinking with his eyes and blinking indeed with his soul, _outside_ again, trying to realise one incredible thing, that after all he was again for a little while in the world of life, and for all other incredible things, totally unprepared. he was so fortunate as to have a brother who cared enough for their distant common memories to come and meet him and clasp his hand--a brother he had left a little lad, and who was now a bearded prosperous man--whose very eyes were unfamiliar. and together he and this stranger from his kindred came down into the town of dover, saying little to one another and feeling many things. they sat for a space in a public-house, the one answering the questions of the other about this person and that, reviving queer old points of view, brushing aside endless new aspects and new perspectives, and then it was time to go to the station and take the london train. their names and the personal things they had to talk of do not matter to our story, but only the changes and all the strangeness that this poor returning soul found in the once familiar world. in dover itself he remarked little except the goodness of beer from pewter--never before had there been such a draught of beer, and it brought tears of gratitude to his eyes. "beer's as good as ever," said he, believing it infinitely better.... it was only as the train rattled them past folkestone that he could look out beyond his more immediate emotions, to see what had happened to the world. he peered out of the window. "it's sunny," he said for the twelfth time. "i couldn't ha' had better weather." and then for the first time it dawned upon him that there were novel disproportions in the world. "lord sakes," he cried, sitting up and looking animated for the first time, "but them's mortal great thissels growing out there on the bank by that broom. if so be they _be_ thissels? or 'ave i been forgetting?" but they were thistles, and what he took for tall bushes of broom was the new grass, and amidst these things a company of british soldiers--red-coated as ever--was skirmishing in accordance with the directions of the drill book that had been partially revised after the boer war. then whack! into a tunnel, and then into sandling junction, which was now embedded and dark--its lamps were all alight--in a great thicket of rhododendron that had crept out of some adjacent gardens and grown enormously up the valley. there was a train of trucks on the sandgate siding piled high with rhododendron logs, and here it was the returning citizen heard first of boomfood. as they sped out into a country again that seemed absolutely unchanged, the two brothers were hard at their explanations. the one was full of eager, dull questions; the other had never thought, had never troubled to see the thing as a single fact, and he was allusive and difficult to follow. "it's this here boomfood stuff," he said, touching his bottom rock of knowledge. "don't you know? 'aven't they told you--any of 'em? boomfood! you know--boomfood. what all the election's about. scientific sort of stuff. 'asn't no one ever told you?" he thought prison had made his brother a fearful duffer not to know that. they made wide shots at each other by way of question and answer. between these scraps of talk were intervals of window-gazing. at first the man's interest in things was vague and general. his imagination had been busy with what old so-and-so would say, how so-and-so would look, how he would say to all and sundry certain things that would present his "putting away" in a mitigated light. this boomfood came in at first as it were a thing in an odd paragraph of the newspapers, then as a source of intellectual difficulty with his brother. but it came to him presently that boomfood was persistently coming in upon any topic he began. in those days the world was a patchwork of transition, so that this great new fact came to him in a series of shocks of contrast. the process of change had not been uniform; it had spread from one centre of distribution here and another centre there. the country was in patches: great areas where the food was still to come, and areas where it was already in the soil and in the air, sporadic and contagious. it was a bold new motif creeping in among ancient and venerable airs. the contrast was very vivid indeed along the line from dover to london at that time. for a space they traversed just such a country-side as he had known since his childhood, the small oblongs of field, hedge-lined, of a size for pigmy horses to plough, the little roads three cart-widths wide, the elms and oaks and poplars dotting these fields about, little thickets of willow beside the streams; ricks of hay no higher than a giant's knees, dolls' cottages with diamond panes, brickfields, and straggling village streets, the larger houses of the petty great, flower-grown railway banks, garden-set stations, and all the little things of the vanished nineteenth century still holding out against immensity. here and there would be a patch of wind-sown, wind-tattered giant thistle defying the axe; here and there a ten-foot puff-ball or the ashen stems of some burnt-out patch of monster grass; but that was all there was to hint at the coming of the food. for a couple of score of miles there was nothing else to foreshadow in any way the strange bigness of the wheat and of the weeds that were hidden from him not a dozen miles from his route just over the hills in the cheasing eyebright valley. and then presently the traces of the food would begin. the first striking thing was the great new viaduct at tonbridge, where the swamp of the choked medway (due to a giant variety of _chara_) began in those days. then again the little country, and then, as the petty multitudinous immensity of london spread out under its haze, the traces of man's fight to keep out greatness became abundant and incessant. in that south-eastern region of london at that time, and all about where cossar and his children lived, the food had become mysteriously insurgent at a hundred points; the little life went on amidst daily portents that only the deliberation of their increase, the slow parallel growth of usage to their presence, had robbed of their warning. but this returning citizen peered out to see for the first time the facts of the food strange and predominant, scarred and blackened areas, big unsightly defences and preparations, barracks and arsenals that this subtle, persistent influence had forced into the life of men. here, on an ampler scale, the experience of the first experimental farm had been repeated time and again. it had been in the inferior and accidental things of life--under foot and in waste places, irregularly and irrelevantly--that the coming of a new force and new issues had first declared itself. there were great evil-smelling yards and enclosures where some invincible jungle of weed furnished fuel for gigantic machinery (little cockneys came to stare at its clangorous oiliness and tip the men a sixpence); there were roads and tracks for big motors and vehicles--roads made of the interwoven fibres of hypertrophied hemp; there were towers containing steam sirens that could yell at once and warn the world against any new insurgence of vermin, or, what was queerer, venerable church towers conspicuously fitted with a mechanical scream. there were little red-painted refuge huts and garrison shelters, each with its 300-yard rifle range, where the riflemen practised daily with soft-nosed ammunition at targets in the shape of monstrous rats. six times since the day of the skinners there had been outbreaks of giant rats--each time from the south-west london sewers, and now they were as much an accepted fact there as tigers in the delta by calcutta.... the man's brother had bought a paper in a heedless sort of way at sandling, and at last this chanced to catch the eye of the released man. he opened the unfamiliar sheets--they seemed to him to be smaller, more numerous, and different in type from the papers of the times before--and he found himself confronted with innumerable pictures about things so strange as to be uninteresting, and with tall columns of printed matter whose headings, for the most part, were as unmeaning as though they had been written in a foreign tongue--"great speech by mr. caterham"; "the boomfood laws." "who's this here caterham?" he asked, in an attempt to make conversation. "_he's_ all right," said his brother. "ah! sort of politician, eh?" "goin' to turn out the government. jolly well time he did." "ah!" he reflected. "i suppose all the lot _i_ used to know--chamberlain, rosebery--all that lot--_what_?" his brother had grasped his wrist and pointed out of the window. "that's the cossars!" the eyes of the released prisoner followed the finger's direction and saw-"my gawd!" he cried, for the first time really overcome with amazement. the paper dropped into final forgottenness between his feet. through the trees he could see very distinctly, standing in an easy attitude, the legs wide apart and the hand grasping a ball as if about to throw it, a gigantic human figure a good forty feet high. the figure glittered in the sunlight, clad in a suit of woven white metal and belted with a broad belt of steel. for a moment it focussed all attention, and then the eye was wrested to another more distant giant who stood prepared to catch, and it became apparent that the whole area of that great bay in the hills just north of sevenoaks had been scarred to gigantic ends. a hugely banked entrenchment overhung the chalk pit, in which stood the house, a monstrous squat egyptian shape that cossar had built for his sons when the giant nursery had served its turn, and behind was a great dark shed that might have covered a cathedral, in which a spluttering incandescence came and went, and from out of which came a titanic hammering to beat upon the ear. then the attention leapt back to the giant as the great ball of iron-bound timber soared up out of his hand. the two men stood up and stared. the ball seemed as big as a cask. "caught!" cried the man from prison, as a tree blotted out the thrower. the train looked on these things only for the fraction of a minute and then passed behind trees into the chislehurst tunnel. "my gawd!" said the man from prison again, as the darkness closed about them. "why! that chap was as 'igh as a 'ouse." "that's them young cossars," said his brother, jerking his head allusively--"what all this trouble's about...." they emerged again to discover more siren-surmounted towers, more red huts, and then the clustering villas of the outer suburbs. the art of bill-sticking had lost nothing in the interval, and from countless tall hoardings, from house ends, from palings, and a hundred such points of vantage came the polychromatic appeals of the great boomfood election. "caterham," "boomfood," and "jack the giant-killer" again and again and again, and monstrous caricatures and distortions--a hundred varieties of misrepresentations of those great and shining figures they had passed so nearly only a few minutes before.... ii. it had been the purpose of the younger brother to do a very magnificent thing, to celebrate this return to life by a dinner at some restaurant of indisputable quality, a dinner that should be followed by all that glittering succession of impressions the music halls of those days were so capable of giving. it was a worthy plan to wipe off the more superficial stains of the prison house by this display of free indulgence; but so far as the second item went the plan was changed. the dinner stood, but there was a desire already more powerful than the appetite for shows, already more efficient in turning the man's mind away from his grim prepossession with his past than any theatre could be, and that was an enormous curiosity and perplexity about this boomfood and these boom children--this new portentous giantry that seemed to dominate the world. "i 'aven't the 'ang of 'em," he said. "they disturve me." his brother had that fineness of mind that can even set aside a contemplated hospitality. "it's _your_ evening, dear old boy," he said. "we'll try to get into the mass meeting at the people's palace." and at last the man from prison had the luck to find himself wedged into a packed multitude and staring from afar at a little brightly lit platform under an organ and a gallery. the organist had been playing something that had set boots tramping as the people swarmed in; but that was over now. hardly had the man from prison settled into place and done his quarrel with an importunate stranger who elbowed, before caterham came. he walked out of a shadow towards the middle of the platform, the most insignificant little pigmy, away there in the distance, a little black figure with a pink dab for a face,--in profile one saw his quite distinctive aquiline nose--a little figure that trailed after it most inexplicably--a cheer. a cheer it was that began away there and grew and spread. a little spluttering of voices about the platform at first that suddenly leapt up into a flame of sound and swept athwart the whole mass of humanity within the building and without. how they cheered! hooray! hooray! no one in all those myriads cheered like the man from prison. the tears poured down his face, and he only stopped cheering at last because the thing had choked him. you must have been in prison as long as he before you can understand, or even begin to understand, what it means to a man to let his lungs go in a crowd. (but for all that he did not even pretend to himself that he knew what all this emotion was about.) hooray! o god!--hoo-ray! and then a sort of silence. caterham had subsided to a conspicuous patience, and subordinate and inaudible persons were saying and doing formal and insignificant things. it was like hearing voices through the noise of leaves in spring. "wawawawa---" what did it matter? people in the audience talked to one another. "wawawawawa---" the thing went on. would that grey-headed duffer never have done? interrupting? of course they were interrupting. "wa, wa, wa, wa---" but shall we hear caterham any better? meanwhile at any rate there was caterham to stare at, and one could stand and study the distant prospect of the great man's features. he was easy to draw was this man, and already the world had him to study at leisure on lamp chimneys and children's plates, on anti-boomfood medals and anti-boomfood flags, on the selvedges of caterham silks and cottons and in the linings of good old english caterham hats. he pervades all the caricature of that time. one sees him as a sailor standing to an old-fashioned gun, a port-fire labelled "new boomfood laws" in his hand; while in the sea wallows that huge, ugly, threatening monster, "boomfood;" or he is _cap-a-pie_ in armour, st. george's cross on shield and helm, and a cowardly titanic caliban sitting amidst desecrations at the mouth of a horrid cave declines his gauntlet of the "new boomfood regulations;" or he comes flying down as perseus and rescues a chained and beautiful andromeda (labelled distinctly about her belt as "civilisation") from a wallowing waste of sea monster bearing upon its various necks and claws "irreligion," "trampling egotism," "mechanism," "monstrosity," and the like. but it was as "jack the giant-killer" that the popular imagination considered caterham most correctly cast, and it was in the vein of a jack the giant-killer poster that the man from prison, enlarged that distant miniature. the "wawawawa" came abruptly to an end. he's done. he's sitting down. yes! no! yes! it's caterham! "caterham!" "caterham!" and then came the cheers. it takes a multitude to make such a stillness as followed that disorder of cheering. a man alone in a wilderness;--it's stillness of a sort no doubt, but he hears himself breathe, he hears himself move, he hears all sorts of things. here the voice of caterham was the one single thing heard, a thing very bright and clear, like a little light burning in a black velvet recess. hear indeed! one heard him as though he spoke at one's elbow. it was stupendously effective to the man from prison, that gesticulating little figure in a halo of light, in a halo of rich and swaying sounds; behind it, partially effaced as it were, sat its supporters on the platform, and in the foreground was a wide perspective of innumerable backs and profiles, a vast multitudinous attention. that little figure seemed to have absorbed the substance from them all. caterham spoke of our ancient institutions. "earearear," roared the crowd. "ear! ear!" said the man from prison. he spoke of our ancient spirit of order and justice. "earearear!" roared the crowd. "ear! ear!" cried the man from prison, deeply moved. he spoke of the wisdom of our forefathers, of the slow growth of venerable institutions, of moral and social traditions, that fitted our english national characteristics as the skin fits the hand. "ear! ear!" groaned the man from prison, with tears of excitement on his cheeks. and now all these things were to go into the melting pot. yes, into the melting pot! because three men in london twenty years ago had seen fit to mix something indescribable in a bottle, all the order and sanctity of things--cries of "no! no!"--well, if it was not to be so, they must exert themselves, they must say good-bye to hesitation--here there came a gust of cheering. they must say good-bye to hesitation and half measures. "we have heard, gentlemen," cried caterham, "of nettles that become giant nettles. at first they are no more than other nettles--little plants that a firm hand may grasp and wrench away; but if you leave them--if you leave them, they grow with such a power of poisonous expansion that at last you must needs have axe and rope, you must needs have danger to life and limb, you must needs have toil and distress--men may be killed in their felling, men may be killed in their felling---" there came a stir and interruption, and then the man from prison heard caterham's voice again, ringing clear and strong: "learn about boomfood from boomfood itself and--" he paused--"_grasp your nettle before it is too late!_" he stopped and stood wiping his lips. "a crystal," cried some one, "a crystal," and then came that same strange swift growth to thunderous tumult, until the whole world seemed cheering.... the man from prison came out of the hall at last, marvellously stirred, and with that in his face that marks those who have seen a vision. he knew, every one knew; his ideas were no longer vague. he had come back to a world in crisis, to the immediate decision of a stupendous issue. he must play his part in the great conflict like a man--like a free, responsible man. the antagonism presented itself as a picture. on the one hand those easy gigantic mail-clad figures of the morning--one saw them now in a different light--on the other this little black-clad gesticulating creature under the limelight, that pigmy thing with its ordered flow of melodious persuasion, its little, marvellously penetrating voice, john caterham--"jack the giant-killer." they must all unite to "grasp the nettle" before it was "too late." iii. the tallest and strongest and most regarded of all the children of the food were the three sons of cossar. the mile or so of land near sevenoaks in which their boyhood passed became so trenched, so dug out and twisted about, so covered with sheds and huge working models and all the play of their developing powers, it was like no other place on earth. and long since it had become too little for the things they sought to do. the eldest son was a mighty schemer of wheeled engines; he had made himself a sort of giant bicycle that no road in the world had room for, no bridge could bear. there it stood, a great thing of wheels and engines, capable of two hundred and fifty miles an hour, useless save that now and then he would mount it and fling himself backwards and forwards across that cumbered work-yard. he had meant to go around the little world with it; he had made it with that intention, while he was still no more than a dreaming boy. now its spokes were rusted deep red like wounds, wherever the enamel had been chipped away. "you must make a road for it first, sonnie," cossar had said, "before you can do that." so one morning about dawn the young giant and his brothers had set to work to make a road about the world. they seem to have had an inkling of opposition impending, and they had worked with remarkable vigour. the world had discovered them soon enough, driving that road as straight as a flight of a bullet towards the english channel, already some miles of it levelled and made and stamped hard. they had been stopped before midday by a vast crowd of excited people, owners of land, land agents, local authorities, lawyers, policemen, soldiers even. "we're making a road," the biggest boy had explained. "make a road by all means," said the leading lawyer on the ground, "but please respect the rights of other people. you have already infringed the private rights of twenty-seven private proprietors; let alone the special privileges and property of an urban district board, nine parish councils, a county council, two gasworks, and a railway company...." "goodney!" said the elder boy cossar. "you will have to stop it." "but don't you want a nice straight road in the place of all these rotten rutty little lanes?" "i won't say it wouldn't be advantageous, but--" "it isn't to be done," said the eldest cossar boy, picking up his tools. "not in this way," said the lawyer, "certainly." "how is it to be done?" the leading lawyer's answer had been complicated and vague. cossar had come down to see the mischief his children had done, and reproved them severely and laughed enormously and seemed to be extremely happy over the affair. "you boys must wait a bit," he shouted up to them, "before you can do things like that." "the lawyer told us we must begin by preparing a scheme, and getting special powers and all sorts of rot. said it would take us years." "_we'll_ have a scheme before long, little boy," cried cossar, hands to his mouth as he shouted, "never fear. for a bit you'd better play about and make models of the things you want to do." they did as he told them like obedient sons. but for all that the cossar lads brooded a little. "it's all very well," said the second to the first, "but i don't always want just to play about and plan, i want to do something _real_, you know. we didn't come into this world so strong as we are, just to play about in this messy little bit of ground, you know, and take little walks and keep out of the towns"--for by that time they were forbidden all boroughs and urban districts. "doing nothing's just wicked. can't we find out something the little people _want_ done and do it for them--just for the fun of doing it? "lots of them haven't houses fit to live in," said the second boy, "let's go and build 'em a house close up to london, that will hold heaps and heaps of them and be ever so comfortable and nice, and let's make 'em a nice little road to where they all go and do business--nice straight little road, and make it all as nice as nice. we'll make it all so clean and pretty that they won't any of them be able to live grubby and beastly like most of them do now. water enough for them to wash with, we'll have--you know they're so dirty now that nine out of ten of their houses haven't even baths in them, the filthy little skunks! you know, the ones that have baths spit insults at the ones that haven't, instead of helping them to get them--and call 'em the great unwashed--_-you_ know. we'll alter all that. and we'll make electricity light and cook and clean up for them, and all. fancy! they make their women--women who are going to be mothers--crawl about and scrub floors! "we could make it all beautifully. we could bank up a valley in that range of hills over there and make a nice reservoir, and we could make a big place here to generate our electricity and have it all simply lovely. couldn't we, brother? and then perhaps they'd let us do some other things." "yes," said the elder brother, "we could do it _very_ nice for them." "then _let's,"_ said the second brother. "_i_ don't mind," said the elder brother, and looked about for a handy tool. and that led to another dreadful bother. agitated multitudes were at them in no time, telling them for a thousand reasons to stop, telling them to stop for no reason at all--babbling, confused, and varied multitudes. the place they were building was too high--it couldn't possibly be safe. it was ugly; it interfered with the letting of proper-sized houses in the neighbourhood; it ruined the tone of the neighbourhood; it was unneighbourly; it was contrary to the local building regulations; it infringed the right of the local authority to muddle about with a minute expensive electric supply of its own; it interfered with the concerns of the local water company. local government board clerks roused themselves to judicial obstruction. the little lawyer turned up again to represent about a dozen threatened interests; local landowners appeared in opposition; people with mysterious claims claimed to be bought off at exorbitant rates; the trades unions of all the building trades lifted up collective voices; and a ring of dealers in all sorts of building material became a bar. extraordinary associations of people with prophetic visions of aesthetic horrors rallied to protect the scenery of the place where they would build the great house, of the valley where they would bank up the water. these last people were absolutely the worst asses of the lot, the cossar boys considered. that beautiful house of the cossar boys was just like a walking-stick thrust into a wasps' nest, in no time. "i never did!" said the elder boy. "we can't go on," said the second brother. "rotten little beasts they are," said the third of the brothers; "we can't do _anything!_" "even when it's for their own comfort. such a _nice_ place we'd have made for them too." "they seem to spend their silly little lives getting in each other's way," said the eldest boy, "rights and laws and regulations and rascalities; it's like a game of spellicans.... well, anyhow, they'll have to live in their grubby, dirty, silly little houses for a bit longer. it's very evident _we_ can't go on with this." and the cossar children left that great house unfinished, a mere hole of foundations and the beginning of a wall, and sulked back to their big enclosure. after a time the hole was filled with water and with stagnation and weeds, and vermin, and the food, either dropped there by the sons of cossar or blowing thither as dust, set growth going in its usual fashion. water voles came out over the country and did infinite havoc, and one day a farmer caught his pigs drinking there, and instantly and with great presence of mind--for he knew: of the great hog of oakham--slew them all. and from that deep pool it was the mosquitoes came, quite terrible mosquitoes, whose only virtue was that the sons of cossar, after being bitten for a little, could stand the thing no longer, but chose a moonlight night when law and order were abed and drained the water clean away into the river by brook. but they left the big weeds and the big water voles and all sorts of big undesirable things still living and breeding on the site they had chosen--the site on which the fair great house of the little people might have towered to heaven ... iv. that had been in the boyhood of the sons, but now they were nearly men, and the chains had been tightening upon them, and tightening with every year of growth. each year they grew, and the food spread and great things multiplied, each year the stress and tension rose. the food had been at first for the great mass of mankind a distant marvel, and now it was coming home to every threshold, and threatening, pressing against and distorting the whole order of life. it blocked this, it overturned that; it changed natural products, and by changing natural products it stopped employments and threw men out of work by the hundred thousands; it swept over boundaries and turned the world of trade into a world of cataclysms: no wonder mankind hated it. and since it is easier to hate animate than inanimate things, animals more than plants, and one's fellow-men more completely than any animals, the fear and trouble engendered by giant nettles and six-foot grass blades, awful insects and tiger-like vermin, grew all into one great power of detestation that aimed itself with a simple directness at that scattered band of great human beings, the children of the food. that hatred had become the central force in political affairs. the old party lines had been traversed and effaced altogether under the insistence of these newer issues, and the conflict lay now with the party of the temporisers, who were for putting little political men to control and regulate the food, and the party of reaction for whom caterham spoke, speaking always with a more sinister ambiguity, crystallising his intention first in one threatening phrase and then another, now that men must "prune the bramble growths," now that they must find a "cure for elephantiasis," and at last upon the eve of the election that they must "grasp the nettle." one day the three sons of cossar, who were now no longer boys but men, sat among the masses of their futile work and talked together after their fashion of all these things. they had been working all day at one of a series of great and complicated trenches their father had bid them make, and now it was sunset, and they sat in the little garden space before the great house and looked at the world and rested, until the little servants within should say their food was ready. you must figure these mighty forms, forty feet high the least of them was, reclining on a patch of turf that would have seemed a stubble of reeds to a common man. one sat up and chipped earth from his huge boots with an iron girder he grasped in his hand; the second rested on his elbow; the third whittled a pine tree into shape and made a smell of resin in the air. they were clothed not in cloth but in under-garments of woven rope and outer clothes of felted aluminium wire; they were shod with timber and iron, and the links and buttons and belts of their clothing were all of plated steel. the great single-storeyed house they lived in, egyptian in its massiveness, half built of monstrous blocks of chalk and half excavated from the living rock of the hill, had a front a full hundred feet in height, and beyond, the chimneys and wheels, the cranes and covers of their work sheds rose marvellously against the sky. through a circular window in the house there was visible a spout from which some white-hot metal dripped and dripped in measured drops into a receptacle out of sight. the place was enclosed and rudely fortified by monstrous banks of earth, backed with steel both over the crests of the downs above and across the dip of the valley. it needed something of common size to mark the nature of the scale. the train that came rattling from sevenoaks athwart their vision, and presently plunged into the tunnel out of their sight, looked by contrast with them like some small-sized automatic toy. "they have made all the woods this side of ightham out of bounds," said one, "and moved the board that was out by knockholt two miles and more this way." "it is the least they could do," said the youngest, after a pause. "they are trying to take the wind out of caterham's sails." "it's not enough for that, and--it is almost too much for us," said the third. "they are cutting us off from brother redwood. last time i went to him the red notices had crept a mile in, either way. the road to him along the downs is no more than a narrow lane." the speaker thought. "what has come to our brother redwood?" "why?" said the eldest brother. the speaker hacked a bough from his pine. "he was like--as though he wasn't awake. he didn't seem to listen to what i had to say. and he said something of--love." the youngest tapped his girder on the edge of his iron sole and laughed. "brother redwood," he said, "has dreams." neither spoke for a space. then the eldest brother said, "this cooping up and cooping up grows more than i can bear. at last, i believe, they will draw a line round our boots and tell us to live on that." the middle brother swept aside a heap of pine boughs with one hand and shifted his attitude. "what they do now is nothing to what they will do when caterham has power." "if he gets power," said the youngest brother, smiting the ground with his girder. "as he will," said the eldest, staring at his feet. the middle brother ceased his lopping, and his eye went to the great banks that sheltered them about. "then, brothers," he said, "our youth will be over, and, as father redwood said to us long ago, we must quit ourselves like men." "yes," said the eldest brother; "but what exactly does that mean? just what does it mean--when that day of trouble comes?" he too glanced at those rude vast suggestions of entrenchment about them, looking not so much at them as through them and over the hills to the innumerable multitudes beyond. something of the same sort came into all their minds--a vision of little people coming out to war, in a flood, the little people, inexhaustible, incessant, malignant.... "they are little," said the youngest brother; "but they have numbers beyond counting, like the sands of the sea." "they have arms--they have weapons even, that our brothers in sunderland have made." "besides, brothers, except for vermin, except for little accidents with evil things, what have we seen of killing?" "i know," said the eldest brother. "for all that--we are what we are. when the day of trouble comes we must do the thing we have to do." he closed his knife with a snap--the blade was the length of a man--and used his new pine staff to help himself rise. he stood up and turned towards the squat grey immensity of the house. the crimson of the sunset caught him as he rose, caught the mail and clasps about his neck and the woven metal of his arms, and to the eyes of his brother it seemed as though he was suddenly suffused with blood ... as the young giant rose a little black figure became visible to him against that western incandescence on the top of the embankment that towered above the summit of the down. the black limbs waved in ungainly gestures. something in the fling of the limbs suggested haste to the young giant's mind. he waved his pine mast in reply, filled the whole valley with his vast hullo! threw a "something's up" to his brothers, and set off in twenty-foot strides to meet and help his father. v. it chanced too that a young man who was not a giant was delivering his soul about these sons of cossar just at that same time. he had come over the hills beyond sevenoaks, he and his friend, and he it was did the talking. in the hedge as they came along they had heard a pitiful squealing, and had intervened to rescue three nestling tits from the attack of a couple of giant ants. that adventure it was had set him talking. "reactionary!" he was saying, as they came within sight of the cossar encampment. "who wouldn't be reactionary? look at that square of ground, that space of god's earth that was once sweet and fair, torn, desecrated, disembowelled! those sheds! that great wind-wheel! that monstrous wheeled machine! those dykes! look at those three monsters squatting there, plotting some ugly devilment or other! look--look at all the land!" his friend glanced at his face. "you have been listening to caterham," he said. "using my eyes. looking a little into the peace and order of the past we leave behind. this foul food is the last shape of the devil, still set as ever upon the ruin of our world. think what the world must have been before our days, what it was still when our mothers bore us, and see it now! think how these slopes once smiled under the golden harvest, how the hedges, full of sweet little flowers, parted the modest portion of this man from that, how the ruddy farmhouses dotted the land, and the voice of the church bells from yonder tower stilled the whole world each sabbath into sabbath prayer. and now, every year, still more and more of monstrous weeds, of monstrous vermin, and these giants growing all about us, straddling over us, blundering against all that is subtle and sacred in our world. why here--look!" he pointed, and his friend's eyes followed the line of his white finger. "one of their footmarks. see! it has smashed itself three feet deep and more, a pitfall for horse and rider, a trap to the unwary. there is a briar rose smashed to death; there is grass uprooted and a teazle crushed aside, a farmer's drain pipe snapped and the edge of the pathway broken down. destruction! so they are doing all over the world, all over the order and decency the world of men has made. trampling on all things. reaction! what else?" "but--reaction. what do you hope to do?" "stop it!" cried the young man from oxford. "before it is too late." "but---" "it's _not_ impossible," cried the young man from oxford, with a jump in his voice. "we want the firm hand; we want the subtle plan, the resolute mind. we have been mealy-mouthed and weak-handed; we have trifled and temporised and the food has grown and grown. yet even now--" he stopped for a moment. "this is the echo of caterham," said his friend. "even now. even now there is hope--abundant hope, if only we make sure of what we want and what we mean to destroy. the mass of people are with us, much more with us than they were a few years ago; the law is with us, the constitution and order of society, the spirit of the established religions, the customs and habits of mankind are with us--and against the food. why should we temporise? why should we lie? we hate it, we don't want it; why then should we have it? do you mean to just grizzle and obstruct passively and do nothing--till the sands are out?" he stopped short and turned about. "look at that grove of nettles there. in the midst of them are homes--deserted--where once clean families of simple men played out their honest lives! "and there!" he swung round to where the young cossars muttered to one another of their wrongs. "look at them! and i know their father, a brute, a sort of brute beast with an intolerant loud voice, a creature who has ran amuck in our all too merciful world for the last thirty years and more. an engineer! to him all that we hold dear and sacred is nothing. nothing! the splendid traditions of our race and land, the noble institutions, the venerable order, the broad slow march from precedent to precedent that has made our english people great and this sunny island free--it is all an idle tale, told and done with. some claptrap about the future is worth all these sacred things.... the sort of man who would run a tramway over his mother's grave if he thought that was the cheapest line the tramway could take.... and you think to temporise, to make some scheme of compromise, that will enable you to live in your way while that--that machinery--lives in its. i tell you it is hopeless--hopeless. as well make treaties with a tiger! they want things monstrous--we want them sane and sweet. it is one thing or the other." "but what can you do?" "much! all! stop the food! they are still scattered, these giants; still immature and disunited. chain them, gag them, muzzle them. at any cost stop them. it is their world or ours! stop the food. shut up these men who make it. do anything to stop cossar! you don't seem to remember--one generation--only one generation needs holding down, and then--then we could level those mounds there, fill up their footsteps, take the ugly sirens from our church towers, smash all our elephant guns, and turn our faces again to the old order, the ripe old civilisation for which the soul of man is fitted." "it's a mighty effort." "for a mighty end. and if we don't? don't you see the prospect before us clear as day? everywhere the giants will increase and multiply; everywhere they will make and scatter the food. the grass will grow gigantic in our fields, the weeds in our hedges, the vermin in the thickets, the rats in the drains. more and more and more. this is only a beginning. the insect world will rise on us, the plant world, the very fishes in the sea, will swamp and drown our ships. tremendous growths will obscure and hide our houses, smother our churches, smash and destroy all the order of our cities, and we shall become no more than a feeble vermin under the heels of the new race. mankind will be swamped and drowned in things of its own begetting! and all for nothing! size! mere size! enlargement and _da capo_. already we go picking our way among the first beginnings of the coming time. and all we do is to say 'how inconvenient!' to grumble and do nothing. _no_!" he raised his hand. "let them do the thing they have to do! so also will i. i am for reaction--unstinted and fearless reaction. unless you mean to take this food also, what else is there to do in all the world? we have trifled in the middle ways too long. you! trifling in the middle ways is your habit, your circle of existence, your space and time. so, not i! i am against the food, with all my strength and purpose against the food." he turned on his companion's grunt of dissent. "where are you?" "it's a complicated business---" "oh!--driftwood!" said the young man from oxford, very bitterly, with a fling of all his limbs. "the middle way is nothingness. it is one thing or the other. eat or destroy. eat or destroy! what else is there to do?" chapter the second. the giant lovers. i. now it chanced in the days when caterham was campaigning against the boom-children before the general election that was--amidst the most tragic and terrible circumstances--to bring him into power, that the giant princess, that serene highness whose early nutrition had played so great a part in the brilliant career of doctor winkles, had come from the kingdom of her father to england, on an occasion that was deemed important. she was affianced for reasons of state to a certain prince--and the wedding was to be made an event of international significance. there had arisen mysterious delays. rumour and imagination collaborated in the story and many things were said. there were suggestions of a recalcitrant prince who declared he would not be made to look like a fool--at least to this extent. people sympathised with him. that is the most significant aspect of the affair. now it may seem a strange thing, but it is a fact that the giant princess, when she came to england, knew of no other giants whatever. she had lived in a world where tact is almost a passion and reservations the air of one's life. they had kept the thing from her; they had hedged her about from sight or suspicion of any gigantic form, until her appointed coming to england was due. until she met young redwood she had no inkling that there was such a thing as another giant in the world. in the kingdom of the father of the princess there were wild wastes of upland and mountains where she had been accustomed to roam freely. she loved the sunrise and the sunset and all the great drama of the open heavens more than anything else in the world, but among a people at once so democratic and so vehemently loyal as the english her freedom was much restricted. people came in brakes, in excursion trains, in organised multitudes to see her; they would cycle long distances to stare at her, and it was necessary to rise betimes if she would walk in peace. it was still near the dawn that morning when young redwood came upon her. the great park near the palace where she lodged stretched, for a score of miles and more, west and south of the western palace gates. the chestnut trees of its avenues reached high above her head. each one as she passed it seemed to proffer a more abundant wealth of blossom. for a time she was content with sight and scent, but at last she was won over by these offers, and set herself so busily to choose and pick that she did not perceive young redwood until he was close upon her. she moved among the chestnut trees, with the destined lover drawing near to her, unanticipated, unsuspected. she thrust her hands in among the branches, breaking them and gathering them. she was alone in the world. then--she looked up, and in that moment she was mated. we must needs put our imaginations to his stature to see the beauty he saw. that unapproachable greatness that prevents our immediate sympathy with her did not exist for him. there she stood, a gracious girl, the first created being that had ever seemed a mate for him, light and slender, lightly clad, the fresh breeze of the dawn moulding the subtly folding robe upon her against the soft strong lines of her form, and with a great mass of blossoming chestnut branches in her hands. the collar of her robe opened to show the whiteness of her neck and a soft shadowed roundness that passed out of sight towards her shoulders. the breeze had stolen a strand or so of her hair too, and strained its red-tipped brown across her cheek. her eyes were open blue, and her lips rested always in the promise of a smile as she reached among the branches. she turned upon him with a start, saw him, and for a space they regarded one another. for her, the sight of him was so amazing, so incredible, as to be, for some moments at least, terrible. he came to her with the shock of a supernatural apparition; he broke all the established law of her world. he was a youth of one-and-twenty then, slenderly built, with his father's darkness and his father's gravity. he was clad in a sober soft brown leather, close-fitting easy garments, and in brown hose, that shaped him bravely. his head went uncovered in all weathers. they stood regarding one another--she incredulously amazed, and he with his heart beating fast. it was a moment without a prelude, the cardinal meeting of their lives. for him there was less surprise. he had been seeking her, and yet his heart beat fast. he came towards her, slowly, with his eyes upon her face. "you are the princess," he said. "my father has told me. you are the princess who was given the food of the gods." "i am the princess--yes," she said, with eyes of wonder. "but--what are you?" "i am the son of the man who made the food of the gods." "the food of the gods!" "yes, the food of the gods." "but--" her face expressed infinite perplexity. "what? i don't understand. the food of the gods?" "you have not heard?" "the food of the gods! _no_!" she found herself trembling violently. the colour left her face. "i did not know," she said. "do you mean--?" he waited for her. "do you mean there are other--giants?" he repeated, "did you not know?" and she answered, with the growing amazement of realisation, "_no!_" the whole world and all the meaning of the world was changing for her. a branch of chestnut slipped from her hand. "do you mean to say," she repeated stupidly, "that there are other giants in the world? that some food--?" he caught her amazement. "you know nothing?" he cried. "you have never heard of us? you, whom the food has made akin to us!" there was terror still in the eyes that stared at him. her hand rose towards her throat and fell again. she whispered, "_no_." it seemed to her that she must weep or faint. then in a moment she had rule over herself and she was speaking and thinking clearly. "all this has been kept from me," she said. "it is like a dream. i have dreamt--have dreamt such things. but waking--no. tell me! tell me! what are you? what is this food of the gods? tell me slowly--and clearly. why have they kept it from me, that i am not alone?" ii. "tell me," she said, and young redwood, tremulous and excited, set himself to tell her--it was poor and broken telling for a time--of the food of the gods and the giant children who were scattered over the world. you must figure them both, flushed and startled in their bearing; getting at one another's meaning through endless half-heard, half-spoken phrases, repeating, making perplexing breaks and new departures--a wonderful talk, in which she awakened from the ignorance of all her life. and very slowly it became clear to her that she was no exception to the order of mankind, but one of a scattered brotherhood, who had all eaten the food and grown for ever out of the little limits of the folk beneath their feet. young redwood spoke of his father, of cossar, of the brothers scattered throughout the country, of the great dawn of wider meaning that had come at last into the history of the world. "we are in the beginning of a beginning," he said; "this world of theirs is only the prelude to the world the food will make. "my father believes--and i also believe--that a time will come when littleness will have passed altogether out of the world of man,--when giants shall go freely about this earth--their earth--doing continually greater and more splendid things. but that--that is to come. we are not even the first generation of that--we are the first experiments." "and of these things," she said, "i knew nothing!" "there are times when it seems to me almost as if we had come too soon. some one, i suppose, had to come first. but the world was all unprepared for our coming and for the coming of all the lesser great things that drew their greatness from the food. there have been blunders; there have been conflicts. the little people hate our kind.... "they are hard towards us because they are so little.... and because our feet are heavy on the things that make their lives. but at any rate they hate us now; they will have none of us--only if we could shrink back to the common size of them would they begin to forgive.... "they are happy in houses that are prison cells to us; their cities are too small for us; we go in misery along their narrow ways; we cannot worship in their churches.... "we see over their walls and over their protections; we look inadvertently into their upper windows; we look over their customs; their laws are no more than a net about our feet.... "every time we stumble we hear them shouting; every time we blunder against their limits or stretch out to any spacious act.... "our easy paces are wild flights to them, and all they deem great and wonderful no more than dolls' pyramids to us. their pettiness of method and appliance and imagination hampers and defeats our powers. there are no machines to the power of our hands, no helps to fit our needs. they hold our greatness in servitude by a thousand invisible bands. we are stronger, man for man, a hundred times, but we are disarmed; our very greatness makes us debtors; they claim the land we stand upon; they tax our ampler need of food and shelter, and for all these things we must toil with the tools these dwarfs can make us--and to satisfy their dwarfish fancies ... "they pen us in, in every way. even to live one must cross their boundaries. even to meet you here to-day i have passed a limit. all that is reasonable and desirable in life they make out of bounds for us. we may not go into the towns; we may not cross the bridges; we may not step on their ploughed fields or into the harbours of the game they kill. i am cut off now from all our brethren except the three sons of cossar, and even that way the passage narrows day by day. one could think they sought occasion against us to do some more evil thing ..." "but we are strong," she said. "we should be strong--yes. we feel, all of us--you too i know must feel--that we have power, power to do great things, power insurgent in us. but before we can do anything--" he flung out a hand that seemed to sweep away a world. "though i thought i was alone in the world," she said, after a pause, "i have thought of these things. they have taught me always that strength was almost a sin, that it was better to be little than great, that all true religion was to shelter the weak and little, encourage the weak and little, help them to multiply and multiply until at last they crawled over one another, to sacrifice all our strength in their cause. but ... always i have doubted the thing they taught." "this life," he said, "these bodies of ours, are not for dying." "no." "nor to live in futility. but if we would not do that, it is already plain to all our brethren a conflict must come. i know not what bitterness of conflict must presently come, before the little folks will suffer us to live as we need to live. all the brethren have thought of that. cossar, of whom i told you: he too has thought of that." "they are very little and weak." "in their way. but you know all the means of death are in their hands, and made for their hands. for hundreds of thousands of years these little people, whose world we invade, have been learning how to kill one another. they are very able at that. they are able in many ways. and besides, they can deceive and change suddenly.... i do not know.... there comes a conflict. you--you perhaps are different from us. for us, assuredly, the conflict comes.... the thing they call war. we know it. in a way we prepare for it. but you know--those little people!--we do not know how to kill, at least we do not want to kill--" "look," she interrupted, and he heard a yelping horn. he turned at the direction of her eyes, and found a bright yellow motor car, with dark goggled driver and fur-clad passengers, whooping, throbbing, and buzzing resentfully at his heel. he moved his foot, and the mechanism, with three angry snorts, resumed its fussy way towards the town. "filling up the roadway!" floated up to him. then some one said, "look! did you see? there is the monster princess over beyond the trees!" and all their goggled faces came round to stare. "i say," said another. "_that_ won't do ..." "all this," she said, "is more amazing than i can tell." "that they should not have told you," he said, and left his sentence incomplete. "until you came upon me, i had lived in a world where i was great--alone. i had made myself a life--for that. i had thought i was the victim of some strange freak of nature. and now my world has crumbled down, in half an hour, and i see another world, other conditions, wider possibilities--fellowship--" "fellowship," he answered. "i want you to tell me more yet, and much more," she said. "you know this passes through my mind like a tale that is told. you even ... in a day perhaps, or after several days, i shall believe in you. now--now i am dreaming.... listen!" the first stroke of a clock above the palace offices far away had penetrated to them. each counted mechanically "seven." "this," she said, "should be the hour of my return. they will be taking the bowl of my coffee into the hall where i sleep. the little officials and servants--you cannot dream how grave they are--will be stirring about their little duties." "they will wonder ... but i want to talk to you." she thought. "but i want to think too. i want now to think alone, and think out this change in things, think away the old solitude, and think you and those others into my world.... i shall go. i shall go back to-day to my place in the castle, and to-morrow, as the dawn comes, i shall come again--here." "i shall be here waiting for you." "all day i shall dream and dream of this new world you have given me. even now, i can scarcely believe--" she took a step back and surveyed him from the feet to the face. their eyes met and locked for a moment. "yes," she said, with a little laugh that was half a sob. "you are real. but it is very wonderful! do you think--indeed--? suppose to-morrow i come and find you--a pigmy like the others... yes, i must think. and so for to-day--as the little people do--" she held out her hand, and for the first time they touched one another. their hands clasped firmly and their eyes met again. "good-bye," she said, "for to-day. good-bye! good-bye, brother giant!" he hesitated with some unspoken thing, and at last he answered her simply, "good-bye." for a space they held each other's hands, studying each the other's face. and many times after they had parted, she looked back half doubtfully at him, standing still in the place where they had met.... she walked into her apartments across the great yard of the palace like one who walks in a dream, with a vast branch of chestnut trailing from her hand. iii. these two met altogether fourteen times before the beginning of the end. they met in the great park or on the heights and among the gorges of the rusty-roaded, heathery moorland, set with dusky pine-woods, that stretched to the south-west. twice they met in the great avenue of chestnuts, and five times near the broad ornamental water the king, her great-grandfather, had made. there was a place where a great trim lawn, set with tall conifers, sloped graciously to the water's edge, and there she would sit, and he would lie at her knees and look up in her face and talk, telling of all the things that had been, and of the work his father had set before him, and of the great and spacious dream of what the giant people should one day be. commonly they met in the early dawn, but once they met there in the afternoon, and found presently a multitude of peering eavesdroppers about them, cyclists, pedestrians, peeping from the bushes, rustling (as sparrows will rustle about one in the london parks) amidst the dead leaves in the woods behind, gliding down the lake in boats towards a point of view, trying to get nearer to them and hear. it was the first hint that offered of the enormous interest the countryside was taking in their meetings. and once--it was the seventh time, and it precipitated the scandal--they met out upon the breezy moorland under a clear moonlight, and talked in whispers there, for the night was warm and still. very soon they had passed from the realisation that in them and through them a new world of giantry shaped itself in the earth, from the contemplation of the great struggle between big and little, in which they were clearly destined to participate, to interests at once more personal and more spacious. each time they met and talked and looked on one another, it crept a little more out of their subconscious being towards recognition, that something more dear and wonderful than friendship was between them, and walked between them and drew their hands together. and in a little while they came to the word itself and found themselves lovers, the adam and eve of a new race in the world. they set foot side by side into the wonderful valley of love, with its deep and quiet places. the world changed about them with their changing mood, until presently it had become, as it were, a tabernacular beauty about their meetings, and the stars were no more than flowers of light beneath the feet of their love, and the dawn and sunset the coloured hangings by the way. they ceased to be beings of flesh and blood to one another and themselves; they passed into a bodily texture of tenderness and desire. they gave it first whispers and then silence, and drew close and looked into one another's moonlit and shadowy faces under the infinite arch of the sky. and the still black pine-trees stood about them like sentinels. the beating steps of time were hushed into silence, and it seemed to them the universe hung still. only their hearts were audible, beating. they seemed to be living together in a world where there is no death, and indeed so it was with them then. it seemed to them that they sounded, and indeed they sounded, such hidden splendours in the very heart of things as none have ever reached before. even for mean and little souls, love is the revelation of splendours. and these were giant lovers who had eaten the food of the gods ... * * * * * you may imagine the spreading consternation in this ordered world when it became known that the princess who was affianced to the prince, the princess, her serene highness! with royal blood in her veins! met,--frequently met,--the hypertrophied offspring of a common professor of chemistry, a creature of no rank, no position, no wealth, and talked to him as though there were no kings and princes, no order, no reverence--nothing but giants and pigmies in the world, talked to him and, it was only too certain, held him as her lover. "if those newspaper fellows get hold of it!" gasped sir arthur poodle bootlick ... "i am told--" whispered the old bishop of frumps. "new story upstairs," said the first footman, as he nibbled among the dessert things. "so far as i can make out this here giant princess--" "they say--" said the lady who kept the stationer's shop by the main entrance to the palace, where the little americans get their tickets for the state apartments ... and then: "we are authorised to deny--" said "picaroon" in _gossip_. and so the whole trouble came out. iv. "they say that we must part," the princess said to her lover. "but why?" he cried. "what new folly have these people got into their heads?" "do you know," she asked, "that to love me--is high treason?" "my dear," he cried; "but does it matter? what is their right--right without a shadow of reason--and their treason and their loyalty to us?" "you shall hear," she said, and told him of the things that had been told to her. "it was the queerest little man who came to me with a soft, beautifully modulated voice, a softly moving little gentleman who sidled into the room like a cat and put his pretty white hand up so, whenever he had anything significant to say. he is bald, but not of course nakedly bald, and his nose and face are chubby rosy little things, and his beard is trimmed to a point in quite the loveliest way. he pretended to have emotions several times and made his eyes shine. you know he is quite a friend of the real royal family here, and he called me his dear young lady and was perfectly sympathetic even from the beginning. 'my dear young lady,' he said, 'you know--_you mustn't,'_ several times, and then, 'you owe a duty.'" "where do they make such men?" "he likes it," she said. "but i don't see--" "he told me serious things." "you don't think," he said, turning on her abruptly, "that there's anything in the sort of thing he said?" "there's something in it quite certainly," said she. "you mean--?" "i mean that without knowing it we have been trampling on the most sacred conceptions of the little folks. we who are royal are a class apart. we are worshipped prisoners, processional toys. we pay for worship by losing--our elementary freedom. and i was to have married that prince--you know nothing of him though. well, a pigmy prince. he doesn't matter.... it seems it would have strengthened the bonds between my country and another. and this country also was to profit. imagine it!--strengthening the bonds!" "and now?" "they want me to go on with it--as though there was nothing between us two." "nothing!" "yes. but that isn't all. he said--" "your specialist in tact?" "yes. he said it would be better for you, better for all the giants, if we two--abstained from conversation. that was how he put it." "but what can they do if we don't?" "he said you might have your freedom." "_i!_" "he said, with a stress, 'my dear young lady, it would be better, it would be more dignified, if you parted, willingly.' that was all he said. with a stress on willingly." "but--! what business is it of these little wretches, where we love, how we love? what have they and their world to do with us?" "they do not think that." "of course," he said, "you disregard all this." "it seems utterly foolish to me." "that their laws should fetter us! that we, at the first spring of life, should be tripped by their old engagements, their aimless institutions! oh--! we disregard it." "i am yours. so far--yes." "so far? isn't that all?" "but they--if they want to part us--" "what can they do?" "i don't know. what _can_ they do?" "who cares what they can do, or what they will do? i am yours and you are mine. what is there more than that? i am yours and you are mine--for ever. do you think i will stop for their little rules, for their little prohibitions, their scarlet boards indeed!--and keep from _you_?" "yes. but still, what can they do?" "you mean," he said, "what are we to do?" "yes." "we? we can go on." "but if they seek to prevent us?" he clenched his hands. he looked round as if the little people were already coming to prevent them. then turned away from her and looked about the world. "yes," he said. "your question was the right one. what can they do?" "here in this little land," she said, and stopped. he seemed to survey it all. "they are everywhere." "but we might--" "whither?" "we could go. we could swim the seas together. beyond the seas--" "i have never been beyond the seas." "there are great and desolate mountains amidst which we should seem no more than little people, there are remote and deserted valleys, there are hidden lakes and snow-girdled uplands untrodden by the feet of men. _there_--" "but to get there we must fight our way day after day through millions and millions of mankind." "it is our only hope. in this crowded land there is no fastness, no shelter. what place is there for us among these multitudes? they who are little can hide from one another, but where are we to hide? there is no place where we could eat, no place where we could sleep. if we fled--night and day they would pursue our footsteps." a thought came to him. "there is one place," he said, "even in this island." "where?" "the place our brothers have made over beyond there. they have made great banks about their house, north and south and east and west; they have made deep pits and hidden places, and even now--one came over to me quite recently. he said--i did not altogether heed what he said then. but he spoke of arms. it may be--there--we should find shelter.... "for many days," he said, after a pause, "i have not seen our brothers... dear! i have been dreaming, i have been forgetting! the days have passed, and i have done nothing but look to see you again ... i must go to them and talk to them, and tell them of you and of all the things that hang over us. if they will help us, they can help us. then indeed we might hope. i do not know how strong their place is, but certainly cossar will have made it strong. before all this--before you came to me, i remember now--there was trouble brewing. there was an election--when all the little people settle things, by counting heads. it must be over now. there were threats against all our race--against all our race, that is, but you. i must see our brothers. i must tell them all that has happened between us, and all that threatens now." v. he did not come to their next meeting until she had waited some time. they were to meet that day about midday in a great space of park that fitted into a bend of the river, and as she waited, looking ever southward under her hand, it came to her that the world was very still, that indeed it was broodingly still. and then she perceived that, spite of the lateness of the hour, her customary retinue of voluntary spies had failed her. left and right, when she came to look, there was no one in sight, and there was never a boat upon the silver curve of the thames. she tried to find a reason for this strange stillness in the world.... then, a grateful sight for her, she saw young redwood far away over a gap in the tree masses that bounded her view. immediately the trees hid him, and presently he was thrusting through them and in sight again. she could see there was something different, and then she saw that he was hurrying unusually and then that he limped. he gestured to her, and she walked towards him. his face became clearer, and she saw with infinite concern that he winced at every stride. she ran towards him, her mind full of questions and vague fear. he drew near to her and spoke without a greeting. "are we to part?" he panted. "no," she answered. "why? what is the matter?" "but if we do not part--! it is _now_." "what is the matter?" "i do not want to part," he said. "only--" he broke off abruptly to ask, "you will not part from me?" she met his eyes with a steadfast look. "what has happened?" she pressed. "not for a time?" "what time?" "years perhaps." "part! no!" "you have thought?" he insisted. "i will not part." she took his hand. "if this meant death, _now_, i would not let you go." "if it meant death," he said, and she felt his grip upon her fingers. he looked about him as if he feared to see the little people coming as he spoke. and then: "it may mean death." "now tell me," she said. "they tried to stop my coming." "how?" "and as i came out of my workshop where i make the food of the gods for the cossars to store in their camp, i found a little officer of police--a man in blue with white clean gloves--who beckoned me to stop. 'this way is closed!' said he. i thought little of that; i went round my workshop to where another road runs west, and there was another officer. 'this road is closed!' he said, and added: 'all the roads are closed!'" "and then?" "i argued with him a little. 'they are public roads!' i said. "'that's it,' said he. 'you spoil them for the public.' "'very well,' said i, 'i'll take the fields,' and then, up leapt others from behind a hedge and said, 'these fields are private.' "'curse your public and private,' i said, 'i'm going to my princess,' and i stooped down and picked him up very gently--kicking and shouting--and put him out of my way. in a minute all the fields about me seemed alive with running men. i saw one on horseback galloping beside me and reading something as he rode--shouting it. he finished and turned and galloped away from me--head down. i couldn't make it out. and then behind me i heard the crack of guns." "guns!" "guns--just as they shoot at the rats. the bullets came through the air with a sound like things tearing: one stung me in the leg." "and you?" "came on to you here and left them shouting and running and shooting behind me. and now--" "now?" "it is only the beginning. they mean that we shall part. even now they are coming after me." "we will not." "no. but if we will not part--then you must come with me to our brothers." "which way?" she said. "to the east. yonder is the way my pursuers will be coming. this then is the way we must go. along this avenue of trees. let me go first, so that if they are waiting--" he made a stride, but she had seized his arm. "no," cried she. "i come close to you, holding you. perhaps i am royal, perhaps i am sacred. if i hold you--would god we could fly with my arms about you!--it may be, they will not shoot at you--" she clasped his shoulder and seized his hand as she spoke; she pressed herself nearer to him. "it may be they will not shoot you," she repeated, and with a sudden passion of tenderness he took her into his arms and kissed her cheek. for a space he held her. "even if it is death," she whispered. she put her hands about his neck and lifted her face to his. "dearest, kiss me once more." he drew her to him. silently they kissed one another on the lips, and for another moment clung to one another. then hand in hand, and she striving always to keep her body near to his, they set forward if haply they might reach the camp of refuge the sons of cossar had made, before the pursuit of the little people overtook them. and as they crossed the great spaces of the park behind the castle there came horsemen galloping out from among the trees and vainly seeking to keep pace with their giant strides. and presently ahead of them were houses, and men with guns running out of the houses. at the sight of that, though he sought to go on and was even disposed to fight and push through, she made him turn aside towards the south. as they fled a bullet whipped by them overhead. chapter the third. young caddles in london. i. all unaware of the trend of events, unaware of the laws that were closing in upon all the brethren, unaware indeed that there lived a brother for him on the earth, young caddles chose this time to come out of his chalk pit and see the world. his brooding came at last to that. there was no answer to all his questions in cheasing eyebright; the new vicar was less luminous even than the old, and the riddle of his pointless labour grew at last to the dimensions of exasperation. "why should i work in this pit day after day?" he asked. "why should i walk within bounds and be refused all the wonders of the world beyond there? what have i done, to be condemned to this?" and one day he stood up, straightened his back, and said in a loud voice, "no! "i won't," he said, and then with great vigour cursed the pit. then, having few words, he sought to express his thought in acts. he took a truck half filled with chalk, lifted it, and flung it, smash, against another. then he grasped a whole row of empty trucks and spun them down a bank. he sent a huge boulder of chalk bursting among them, and then ripped up a dozen yards of rail with a mighty plunge of his foot. so he commenced the conscientious wrecking of the pit. "work all my days," he said, "at this!" it was an astonishing five minutes for the little geologist he had, in his preoccupation, overlooked. this poor little creature having dodged two boulders by a hairbreadth, got out by the westward corner and fled athwart the hill, with flapping rucksack and twinkling knicker-bockered legs, leaving a trail of cretaceous echinoderms behind him; while young caddles, satisfied with the destruction he had achieved, came striding out to fulfil his purpose in the world. "work in that old pit, until i die and rot and stink!... what worm did they think was living in my giant body? dig chalk for god knows what foolish purpose! not _i!_" the trend of road and railway perhaps, or mere chance it was, turned his face to london, and thither he came striding; over the downs and athwart the meadows through the hot afternoon, to the infinite amazement of the world. it signified nothing to him that torn posters in red and white bearing various names flapped from every wall and barn; he knew nothing of the electoral revolution that had flung caterham, "jack the giant-killer," into power. it signified nothing to him that every police station along his route had what was known as caterham's ukase upon its notice board that afternoon, proclaiming that no giant, no person whatever over eight feet in height, should go more than five miles from his "place of location" without a special permission. it signified nothing to him that on his wake belated police officers, not a little relieved to find themselves belated, shook warning handbills at his retreating back. he was going to see what the world had to show him, poor incredulous blockhead, and he did not mean that occasional spirited persons shouting "hi!" at him should stay his course. he came on down by rochester and greenwich towards an ever-thickening aggregation of houses, walking rather slowly now, staring about him and swinging his huge chopper. people in london had heard something of him before, how that he was idiotic but gentle, and wonderfully managed by lady wondershoot's agent and the vicar; how in his dull way he revered these authorities and was grateful to them for their care of him, and so forth. so that when they learnt from the newspaper placards that afternoon that he also was "on strike," the thing appeared to many of them as a deliberate, concerted act. "they mean to try our strength," said the men in the trains going home from business. "lucky we have caterham." "it's in answer to his proclamation." the men in the clubs were better informed. they clustered round the tape or talked in groups in their smoking-rooms. "he has no weapons. he would have gone to sevenoaks if he had been put up to it." "caterham will handle him...." the shopmen told their customers. the waiters in restaurants snatched a moment for an evening paper between the courses. the cabmen read it immediately after the betting news.... the placards of the chief government evening paper were conspicuous with "grasping the nettle." others relied for effect on: "giant redwood continues to meet the princess." the _echo_ struck a line of its own with: "rumoured revolt of giants in the north of england. the sunderland giants start for scotland." the _westminster gazette_ sounded its usual warning note. "giants beware," said the _westminster gazette_, and tried to make a point out of it that might perhaps serve towards uniting the liberal party--at that time greatly torn between seven intensely egotistical leaders. the later newspapers dropped into uniformity. "the giant in the new kent road," they proclaimed. "what i want to know," said the pale young man in the tea shop, "is why we aren't getting any news of the young cossars. you'd think they'd be in it most of all ..." "they tell me there's another of them young giants got loose," said the barmaid, wiping out a glass. "i've always said they was dangerous things to 'ave about. right away from the beginning ... it ought to be put a stop to. any'ow, i 'ope 'e won't come along 'ere." "i'd like to 'ave a look at 'im," said the young man at the bar recklessly, and added, "i _seen_ the princess." "d'you think they'll 'urt 'im?" said the barmaid. "may 'ave to," said the young man at the bar, finishing his glass. amidst a hum of ten million such sayings young caddles came to london... ii. i think of young caddles always as he was seen in the new kent road, the sunset warm upon his perplexed and staring face. the road was thick with its varied traffic, omnibuses, trams, vans, carts, trolleys, cyclists, motors, and a marvelling crowd--loafers, women, nurse-maids, shopping women, children, venturesome hobble-dehoys--gathered behind his gingerly moving feet. the hoardings were untidy everywhere with the tattered election paper. a babblement of voices surged about him. one sees the customers and shopmen crowding in the doorways of the shops, the faces that came and went at the windows, the little street boys running and shouting, the policemen taking it all quite stiffly and calmly, the workmen knocking off upon scaffoldings, the seething miscellany of the little folks. they shouted to him, vague encouragement, vague insults, the imbecile catchwords of the day, and he stared down at them, at such a multitude of living creatures as he had never before imagined in the world. now that he had fairly entered london he had had to slacken his pace more and more, the little folks crowded so mightily upon him. the crowd grew denser at every step, and at last, at a corner where two great ways converged, he came to a stop, and the multitude flowed about him and closed him in. there he stood, with his feet a little apart, his back to a big corner gin palace that towered twice his height and ended in a sky sign, staring down at the pigmies and wondering--trying, i doubt not, to collate it all with the other things of his life, with the valley among the downlands, the nocturnal lovers, the singing in the church, the chalk he hammered daily, and with instinct and death and the sky, trying to see it all together coherent and significant. his brows were knit. he put up his huge paw to scratch his coarse hair, and groaned aloud. "i don't see it," he said. his accent was unfamiliar. a great babblement went across the open space--a babblement amidst which the gongs of the trams, ploughing their obstinate way through the mass, rose like red poppies amidst corn. "what did he say?" "said he didn't see." "said, where is the sea?" "said, where is a seat?" "he wants a seat." "can't the brasted fool sit on a 'ouse or somethin'?" "what are ye for, ye swarming little people? what are ye all doing, what are ye all for? "what are ye doing up here, ye swarming little people, while i'm a-cuttin' chalk for ye, down in the chalk pits there?" his queer voice, the voice that had been so bad for school discipline at cheasing eyebright, smote the multitude to silence while it sounded and splashed them all to tumult at the end. some wit was audible screaming "speech, speech!" "what's he saying?" was the burthen of the public mind, and an opinion was abroad that he was drunk. "hi, hi, hi," bawled the omnibus-drivers, threading a dangerous way. a drunken american sailor wandered about tearfully inquiring, "what's he want anyhow?" a leathery-faced rag-dealer upon a little pony-drawn cart soared up over the tumult by virtue of his voice. "garn 'ome, you brasted giant!" he brawled, "garn 'ome! you brasted great dangerous thing! can't you see you're a-frightening the 'orses? go _'ome_ with you! 'asn't any one 'ad the sense to tell you the law?" and over all this uproar young caddles stared, perplexed, expectant, saying no more. down a side road came a little string of solemn policemen, and threaded itself ingeniously into the traffic. "stand back," said the little voices; "keep moving, please." young caddles became aware of a little dark blue figure thumping at his shin. he looked down, and perceived two white hands gesticulating. "_what_?" he said, bending forward. "can't stand about here," shouted the inspector. "no! you can't stand about here," he repeated. "but where am i to go?" "back to your village. place of location. anyhow, now--you've got to move on. you're obstructing the traffic." "what traffic?" "along the road." "but where is it going? where does it come from? what does it mean? they're all round me. what do they want? what are they doin'? i want to understand. i'm tired of cuttin' chalk and bein' all alone. what are they doin' for me while i'm a-cuttin' chalk? i may just as well understand here and now as anywhere." "sorry. but we aren't here to explain things of that sort. i must arst you to move on." "don't you know?" "i must arst you to move on--_if_ you please ... i'd strongly advise you to get off 'ome. we've 'ad no special instructions yet--but it's against the law ... clear away there. clear away." the pavement to his left became invitingly bare, and young caddles went slowly on his way. but now his tongue was loosened. "i don't understand," he muttered. "i don't understand." he would appeal brokenly to the changing crowd that ever trailed beside him and behind. "i didn't know there were such places as this. what are all you people doing with yourselves? what's it all for? what is it all for, and where do i come in?" he had already begotten a new catchword. young men of wit and spirit addressed each other in this manner, "ullo 'arry o'cock. wot's it all _for_? eh? wot's it all bloomin' well _for_?" to which there sprang up a competing variety of repartees, for the most part impolite. the most popular and best adapted for general use appears to have been "_shut_ it," or, in a voice of scornful detachment--"_garn!_" there were others almost equally popular. iii. what was he seeking? he wanted something the pigmy world did not give, some end which the pigmy world prevented his attaining, prevented even his seeing clearly, which he was never to see clearly. it was the whole gigantic social side of this lonely dumb monster crying out for his race, for the things akin to him, for something he might love and something he might serve, for a purpose he might comprehend and a command he could obey. and, you know, all this was _dumb_, raged dumbly within him, could not even, had he met a fellow giant, have found outlet and expression in speech. all the life he knew was the dull round of the village, all the speech he knew was the talk of the cottage, that failed and collapsed at the bare outline of his least gigantic need. he knew nothing of money, this monstrous simpleton, nothing of trade, nothing of the complex pretences upon which the social fabric of the little folks was built. he needed, he needed--whatever he needed, he never found his need. all through the day and the summer night he wandered, growing hungry but as yet untired, marking the varied traffic of the different streets, the inexplicable businesses of all these infinitesimal beings. in the aggregate it had no other colour than confusion for him.... he is said to have plucked a lady from her carriage in kensington, a lady in evening dress of the smartest sort, to have scrutinised her closely, train and shoulder blades, and to have replaced her--a little carelessly--with the profoundest sigh. for that i cannot vouch. for an hour or so he watched people fighting for places in the omnibuses at the end of piccadilly. he was seen looming over kennington oval for some moments in the afternoon, but when he saw these dense thousands were engaged with the mystery of cricket and quite regardless of him he went his way with a groan. he came back to piccadilly circus between eleven and twelve at night and found a new sort of multitude. clearly they were very intent: full of things they, for inconceivable reasons, might do, and of others they might not do. they stared at him and jeered at him and went their way. the cabmen, vulture-eyed, followed one another continually along the edge of the swarming pavement. people emerged from the restaurants or entered them, grave, intent, dignified, or gently and agreeably excited or keen and vigilant--beyond the cheating of the sharpest waiter born. the great giant, standing at his corner, peered at them all. "what is it all for?" he murmured in a mournful vast undertone, "what is it all for? they are all so earnest. what is it i do not understand?" and none of them seemed to see, as he could do, the drink-sodden wretchedness of the painted women at the corner, the ragged misery that sneaked along the gutters, the infinite futility of all this employment. the infinite futility! none of them seemed to feel the shadow of that giant's need, that shadow of the future, that lay athwart their paths... across the road high up mysterious letters flamed and went, that might, could he have read them, have measured for him the dimensions of human interest, have told him of the fundamental needs and features of life as the little folks conceived it. first would come a flaming t; then u would follow, tu; then p, tup; until at last there stood complete, across the sky, this cheerful message to all who felt the burthen of life's earnestness: tupper's tonic wine for vigour. snap! and it had vanished into night, to be followed in the same slow development by a second universal solicitude: beauty soap. not, you remark, mere cleansing chemicals, but something, as they say, "ideal;" and then, completing the tripod of the little life: tanker's yellow pills. after that there was nothing for it but tupper again, in naming crimson letters, snap, snap, across the void. t u p p.... early in the small hours it would seem that young caddles came to the shadowy quiet of regent's park, stepped over the railings and lay down on a grassy slope near where the people skate in winter time, and there he slept an hour or so. and about six o'clock in the morning, he was talking to a draggled woman he had found sleeping in a ditch near hampstead heath, asking her very earnestly what she thought she was for.... iv. the wandering of caddles about london came to a head on the second day in the morning. for then his hunger overcame him. he hesitated where the hot-smelling loaves were being tossed into a cart, and then very quietly knelt down and commenced robbery. he emptied the cart while the baker's man fled for the police, and then his great hand came into the shop and cleared counter and cases. then with an armful, still eating, he went his way looking for another shop to go on with his meal. it happened to be one of those seasons when work is scarce and food dear, and the crowd in that quarter was sympathetic even with a giant who took the food they all desired. they applauded the second phase of his meal, and laughed at his stupid grimace at the policeman. "i woff hungry," he said, with his mouth full. "brayvo!" cried the crowd. "brayvo!" then when he was beginning his third baker's shop, he was stopped by half a dozen policemen hammering with truncheons at his shins. "look here, my fine giant, you come along o' me," said the officer in charge. "you ain't allowed away from home like this. you come off home with me." they did their best to arrest him. there was a trolley, i am told, chasing up and down streets at that time, bearing rolls of chain and ship's cable to play the part of handcuffs in that great arrest. there was no intention then of killing him. "he is no party to the plot," caterham had said. "i will not have innocent blood upon my hands." and added: "--until everything else has been tried." at first caddles did not understand the import of these attentions. when he did, he told the policemen not to be fools, and set off in great strides that left them all behind. the bakers' shops had been in the harrow road, and he went through canal london to st. john's wood, and sat down in a private garden there to pick his teeth and be speedily assailed by another posse of constables. "you lea' me alone," he growled, and slouched through the gardens--spoiling several lawns and kicking down a fence or so, while the energetic little policemen followed him up, some through the gardens, some along the road in front of the houses. here there were one or two with guns, but they made no use of them. when he came out into the edgware road there was a new note and a new movement in the crowd, and a mounted policeman rode over his foot and got upset for his pains. "you lea' me alone," said caddles, facing the breathless crowd. "i ain't done anything to you." at that time he was unarmed, for he had left his chalk chopper in regent's park. but now, poor wretch, he seems to have felt the need of some weapon. he turned back towards the goods yard of the great western railway, wrenched up the standard of a tall arc light, a formidable mace for him, and flung it over his shoulder. and finding the police still turning up to pester him, he went back along the edgware road, towards cricklewood, and struck off sullenly to the north. he wandered as far as waltham, and then turned back westward and then again towards london, and came by the cemeteries and over the crest of highgate about midday into view of the greatness of the city again. he turned aside and sat down in a garden, with his back to a house that overlooked all london. he was breathless, and his face was lowering, and now the people no longer crowded upon him as they had done when first he came to london, but lurked in the adjacent garden, and peeped from cautious securities. they knew by now the thing was grimmer than they had thought. "why can't they lea' me alone?" growled young caddles. "i _mus'_ eat. why can't they lea' me alone?" he sat with a darkling face, gnawing at his knuckles and looking down over london. all the fatigue, worry, perplexity, and impotent wrath of his wanderings was coming to a head in him. "they mean nothing," he whispered. "they mean nothing. and they _won't_ let me alone, and they _will_ get in my way." and again, over and over to himself, "meanin' nothing. "ugh! the little people!" he bit harder at his knuckles and his scowl deepened. "cuttin' chalk for 'em," he whispered. "and all the world is theirs! _i_ don't come in--nowhere." presently with a spasm of sick anger he saw the now familiar form of a policeman astride the garden wall. "lea' me alone," grunted the giant. "lea' me alone." "i got to do my duty," said the little policeman, with a face that was white and resolute. "you lea' me alone. i got to live as well as you. i got to think. i got to eat. you lea' me alone." "it's the law," said the little policeman, coming no further. "we never made the law." "nor me," said young caddles. "you little people made all that before i was born. you and your law! what i must and what i mustn't! no food for me to eat unless i work a slave, no rest, no shelter, nothin', and you tell me--" "i ain't got no business with that," said the policeman. "i'm not one to argue. all i got to do is to carry out the law." and he brought his second leg over the wall and seemed disposed to get down. other policemen appeared behind him. "i got no quarrel with _you_--mind," said young caddles, with his grip tight upon his huge mace of iron, his face pale, and a lank explanatory great finger to the policeman. "i got no quarrel with you. but--_you lea' me alone."_ the policeman tried to be calm and commonplace, with a monstrous tragedy clear before his eyes. "give me the proclamation," he said to some unseen follower, and a little white paper was handed to him. "lea' me alone," said caddles, scowling, tense, and drawn together. "this means," said the policeman before he read, "go 'ome. go 'ome to your chalk pit. if not, you'll be hurt." caddles gave an inarticulate growl. then when the proclamation had been read, the officer made a sign. four men with rifles came into view and took up positions of affected ease along the wall. they wore the uniform of the rat police. at the sight of the guns, young caddles blazed into anger. he remembered the sting of the wreckstone farmers' shot guns. "you going to shoot off those at me?" he said, pointing, and it seemed to the officer he must be afraid. "if you don't march back to your pit--" then in an instant the officer had slung himself back over the wall, and sixty feet above him the great electric standard whirled down to his death. bang, bang, bang, went the heavy guns, and smash! the shattered wall, the soil and subsoil of the garden flew. something flew with it, that left red drops on one of the shooter's hands. the riflemen dodged this way and that and turned valiantly to fire again. but young caddles, already shot twice through the body, had spun about to find who it was had hit him so heavily in the back. bang! bang! he had a vision of houses and greenhouses and gardens, of people dodging at windows, the whole swaying fearfully and mysteriously. he seems to have made three stumbling strides, to have raised and dropped his huge mace, and to have clutched his chest. he was stung and wrenched by pain. what was this, warm and wet, on his hand? one man peering from a bedroom window saw his face, saw him staring, with a grimace of weeping dismay, at the blood upon his hand, and then his knees bent under him, and he came crashing to the earth, the first of the giant nettles to fall to caterham's resolute clutch, the very last that he had reckoned would come into his hand. chapter the fourth. redwood's two days. i. so soon as caterham knew the moment for grasping his nettle had come, he took the law into his own hands and sent to arrest cossar and redwood. redwood was there for the taking. he had been undergoing an operation in the side, and the doctors had kept all disturbing things from him until his convalescence was assured. now they had released him. he was just out of bed, sitting in a fire-warmed room, with a heap of newspapers about him, reading for the first time of the agitation that had swept the country into the hands of caterham, and of the trouble that was darkening over the princess and his son. it was in the morning of the day when young caddles died, and when the policeman tried to stop young redwood on his way to the princess. the latest newspapers redwood had did but vaguely prefigure these imminent things. he was re-reading these first adumbrations of disaster with a sinking heart, reading the shadow of death more and more perceptibly into them, reading to occupy his mind until further news should come. when the officers followed the servant into his room, he looked up eagerly. "i thought it was an early evening paper," he said. then standing up, and with a swift change of manner: "what's this?" after that redwood had no news of anything for two days. they had come with a vehicle to take him away, but when it became evident that he was ill, it was decided to leave him for a day or so until he could be safely removed, and his house was taken over by the police and converted into a temporary prison. it was the same house in which giant redwood had been born and in which herakleophorbia had for the first time been given to a human being, and redwood had now been a widower and had lived alone in it eight years. he had become an iron-grey man, with a little pointed grey beard and still active brown eyes. he was slender and soft-voiced, as he had ever been, but his features had now that indefinable quality that comes of brooding over mighty things. to the arresting officer his appearance was in impressive contrast to the enormity of his offences. "here's this feller," said the officer in command, to his next subordinate, "has done his level best to bust up everything, and 'e's got a face like a quiet country gentleman; and here's judge hangbrow keepin' everything nice and in order for every one, and 'e's got a 'ead like a 'og. then their manners! one all consideration and the other snort and grunt. which just shows you, doesn't it, that appearances aren't to be gone upon, whatever else you do." but his praise of redwood's consideration was presently dashed. the officers found him troublesome at first until they had made it clear that it was useless for him to ask questions or beg for papers. they made a sort of inspection of his study indeed, and cleared away even the papers he had. redwood's voice was high and expostulatory. "but don't you see," he said over and over again, "it's my son, my only son, that is in this trouble. it isn't the food i care for, but my son." "i wish indeed i could tell you, sir," said the officer. "but our orders are strict." "who gave the orders?" cried redwood. "ah! _that_, sir---" said the officer, and moved towards the door.... "'e's going up and down 'is room," said the second officer, when his superior came down. "that's all right. he'll walk it off a bit." "i hope 'e will," said the chief officer. "the fact is i didn't see it in that light before, but this here giant what's been going on with the princess, you know, is this man's son." the two regarded one another and the third policeman for a space. "then it is a bit rough on him," the third policeman said. it became evident that redwood had still imperfectly apprehended the fact that an iron curtain had dropped between him and the outer world. they heard him go to the door, try the handle and rattle the lock, and then the voice of the officer who was stationed on the landing telling him it was no good to do that. then afterwards they heard him at the windows and saw the men outside looking up. "it's no good that way," said the second officer. then redwood began upon the bell. the senior officer went up and explained very patiently that it could do no good to ring the bell like that, and if it was rung for nothing now it might have to be disregarded presently when he had need of something. "any reasonable attendance, sir," the officer said. "but if you ring it just by way of protest we shall be obliged, sir, to disconnect." the last word the officer heard was redwood's high-pitched, "but at least you might tell me if my son--" ii. after that redwood spent most of his time at the windows. but the windows offered him little of the march of events outside. it was a quiet street at all times, and that day it was unusually quiet: scarcely a cab, scarcely a tradesman's cart passed all that morning. now and then men went by--without any distinctive air of events--now and then a little group of children, a nursemaid and a woman going shopping, and so forth. they came on to the stage right or left, up or down the street, with an exasperating suggestion of indifference to any concerns more spacious than their own; they would discover the police-guarded house with amazement and exit in the opposite direction, where the great trusses of a giant hydrangea hung across the pavement, staring back or pointing. now and then a man would come and ask one of the policemen a question and get a curt reply ... opposite the houses seemed dead. a housemaid appeared once at a bedroom window and stared for a space, and it occurred to redwood to signal to her. for a time she watched his gestures as if with interest and made a vague response to them, then looked over her shoulder suddenly and turned and went away. an old man hobbled out of number 37 and came down the steps and went off to the right, altogether without looking up. for ten minutes the only occupant of the road was a cat.... with such events that interminable momentous morning lengthened out. about twelve there came a bawling of newsvendors from the adjacent road; but it passed. contrary to their wont they left redwood's street alone, and a suspicion dawned upon him that the police were guarding the end of the street. he tried to open the window, but this brought a policeman into the room forthwith.... the clock of the parish church struck twelve, and after an abyss of time--one. they mocked him with lunch. he ate a mouthful and tumbled the food about a little in order to get it taken away, drank freely of whisky, and then took a chair and went back to the window. the minutes expanded into grey immensities, and for a time perhaps he slept.... he woke with a vague impression of remote concussions. he perceived a rattling of the windows like the quiver of an earthquake, that lasted for a minute or so and died away. then after a silence it returned.... then it died away again. he fancied it might be merely the passage of some heavy vehicle along the main road. what else could it be? after a time he began to doubt whether he had heard this sound. he began to reason interminably with himself. why, after all, was he seized? caterham had been in office two days--just long enough--to grasp his nettle! grasp his nettle! grasp his giant nettle! the refrain once started, sang through his mind, and would not be dismissed. what, after all, could caterham do? he was a religious man. he was bound in a sort of way by that not to do violence without a cause. grasp his nettle! perhaps, for example, the princess was to be seized and sent abroad. there might be trouble with his son. in which case--! but why had he been arrested? why was it necessary to keep him in ignorance of a thing like that? the thing suggested--something more extensive. perhaps, for example--they meant to lay all the giants by the heels! they were all to be arrested together. there had been hints of that in the election speeches. and then? no doubt they had got cossar also? caterham was a religious man. redwood clung to that. the back of his mind was a black curtain, and on that curtain there came and went a word--a word written in letters of fire. he struggled perpetually against that word. it was always as it were beginning to get written on the curtain and never getting completed. he faced it at last. "massacre!" there was the word in its full brutality. no! no! no! it was impossible! caterham was a religious man, a civilised man. and besides after all these years, after all these hopes! redwood sprang up; he paced the room. he spoke to himself; he shouted. "_no!_" mankind was surely not so mad as that--surely not! it was impossible, it was incredible, it could not be. what good would it do to kill the giant human when the gigantic in all the lower things had now inevitably come? they could not be so mad as that! "i must dismiss such an idea," he said aloud; "dismiss such an idea! absolutely!" he pulled up short. what was that? certainly the windows had rattled. he went to look out into the street. opposite he saw the instant confirmation of his ears. at a bedroom at number 35 was a woman, towel in hand, and at the dining-room of number 37 a man was visible behind a great vase of hypertrophied maidenhair fern, both staring out and up, both disquieted and curious. he could see now too, quite clearly, that the policeman on the pavement had heard it also. the thing was not his imagination. he turned to the darkling room. "guns," he said. he brooded. "guns?" they brought him in strong tea, such as he was accustomed to have. it was evident his housekeeper had been taken into consultation. after drinking it, he was too restless to sit any longer at the window, and he paced the room. his mind became more capable of consecutive thought. the room had been his study for four-and-twenty years. it had been furnished at his marriage, and all the essential equipment dated from then, the large complex writing-desk, the rotating chair, the easy chair at the fire, the rotating bookcase, the fixture of indexed pigeon-holes that filled the further recess. the vivid turkey carpet, the later victorian rugs and curtains had mellowed now to a rich dignity of effect, and copper and brass shone warm about the open fire. electric lights had replaced the lamp of former days; that was the chief alteration in the original equipment. but among these things his connection with the food had left abundant traces. along one wall, above the dado, ran a crowded array of black-framed photographs and photogravures, showing his son and cossar's sons and others of the boom-children at various ages and amidst various surroundings. even young caddles' vacant visage had its place in that collection. in the corner stood a sheaf of the tassels of gigantic meadow grass from cheasing eyebright, and on the desk there lay three empty poppy heads as big as hats. the curtain rods were grass stems. and the tremendous skull of the great hog of oakham hung, a portentous ivory overmantel, with a chinese jar in either eye socket, snout down above the fire.... it was to the photographs that redwood went, and in particular to the photographs of his son. they brought back countless memories of things that had passed out of his mind, of the early days of the food, of bensington's timid presence, of his cousin jane, of cossar and the night work at the experimental farm. these things came to him now very little and bright and distinct, like things seen through a telescope on a sunny day. and then there was the giant nursery, the giant childhood, the young giant's first efforts to speak, his first clear signs of affection. guns? it flowed in on him, irresistibly, overwhelmingly, that outside there, outside this accursed silence and mystery, his son and cossar's sons, and all these glorious first-fruits of a greater age were even now--fighting. fighting for life! even now his son might be in some dismal quandary, cornered, wounded, overcome.... he swung away from the pictures and went up and down the room gesticulating. "it cannot be," he cried, "it cannot be. it cannot end like that!" "what was that?" he stopped, stricken rigid. the trembling of the windows had begun again, and then had come a thud--a vast concussion that shook the house. the concussion seemed to last for an age. it must have been very near. for a moment it seemed that something had struck the house above him--an enormous impact that broke into a tinkle of falling glass, and then a stillness that ended at last with a minute clear sound of running feet in the street below. those feet released him from his rigor. he turned towards the window, and saw it starred and broken. his heart beat high with a sense of crisis, of conclusive occurrence, of release. and then again, his realisation of impotent confinement fell about him like a curtain! he could see nothing outside except that the small electric lamp opposite was not lighted; he could hear nothing after the first suggestion of a wide alarm. he could add nothing to interpret or enlarge that mystery except that presently there came a reddish fluctuating brightness in the sky towards the south-east. this light waxed and waned. when it waned he doubted if it had ever waxed. it had crept upon him very gradually with the darkling. it became the predominant fact in his long night of suspense. sometimes it seemed to him it had the quiver one associates with dancing flames, at others he fancied it was no more than the normal reflection of the evening lights. it waxed and waned through the long hours, and only vanished at last when it was submerged altogether under the rising tide of dawn. did it mean--? what could it mean? almost certainly it was some sort of fire, near or remote, but he could not even tell whether it was smoke or cloud drift that streamed across the sky. but about one o'clock there began a flickering of searchlights athwart that ruddy tumult, a flickering that continued for the rest of the night. that too might mean many things? what could it mean? what did it mean? just this stained unrestful sky he had and the suggestion of a huge explosion to occupy his mind. there came no further sounds, no further running, nothing but a shouting that might have been only the distant efforts of drunken men... he did not turn up his lights; he stood at his draughty broken window, a distressful, slight black outline to the officer who looked ever and again into the room and exhorted him to rest. all night redwood remained at his window peering up at the ambiguous drift of the sky, and only with the coming of the dawn did he obey his fatigue and lie down upon the little bed they had prepared for him between his writing-desk and the sinking fire in the fireplace under the great hog's skull. iii. for thirty-six long hours did redwood remain imprisoned, closed in and shut off from the great drama of the two days, while the little people in the dawn of greatness fought against the children of the food. then abruptly the iron curtain rose again, and he found himself near the very centre of the struggle. that curtain rose as unexpectedly as it fell. in the late afternoon he was called to the window by the clatter of a cab, that stopped without. a young man descended, and in another minute stood before him in the room, a slightly built young man of thirty perhaps, clean shaven, well dressed, well mannered. "mr. redwood, sir," he began, "would you be willing to come to mr. caterham? he needs your presence very urgently." "needs my presence!" there leapt a question into redwood's mind, that for a moment he could not put. he hesitated. then in a voice that broke he asked: "what has he done to my son?" and stood breathless for the reply. "your son, sir? your son is doing well. so at least we gather." "doing well?" "he was wounded, sir, yesterday. have you not heard?" redwood smote these pretences aside. his voice was no longer coloured by fear, but by anger. "you know i have not heard. you know i have heard nothing." "mr. caterham feared, sir--it was a time of upheaval. every one--taken by surprise. he arrested you to save you, sir, from any misadventure--" "he arrested me to prevent my giving any warning or advice to my son. go on. tell me what has happened. have you succeeded? have you killed them all?" the young man made a pace or so towards the window, and turned. "no, sir," he said concisely. "what have you to tell me?" "it's our proof, sir, that this fighting was not planned by us. they found us ... totally unprepared." "you mean?" "i mean, sir, the giants have--to a certain extent--held their own." the world changed, for redwood. for a moment something like hysteria had the muscles of his face and throat. then he gave vent to a profound "ah!" his heart bounded towards exultation. "the giants have held their own!" "there has been terrible fighting--terrible destruction. it is all a most hideous misunderstanding ... in the north and midlands giants have been killed ... everywhere." "they are fighting now?" "no, sir. there was a flag of truce." "from them?" "no, sir. mr. caterham sent a flag of truce. the whole thing is a hideous misunderstanding. that is why he wants to talk to you, and put his case before you. they insist, sir, that you should intervene--" redwood interrupted. "do you know what happened to my son?" he asked. "he was wounded." "tell me! tell me!" "he and the princess came--before the--the movement to surround the cossar camp was complete--the cossar pit at chislehurst. they came suddenly, sir, crashing through a dense thicket of giant oats, near river, upon a column of infantry ... soldiers had been very nervous all day, and this produced a panic." "they shot him?" "no, sir. they ran away. some shot at him--wildly--against orders." redwood gave a note of denial. "it's true, sir. not on account of your son, i won't pretend, but on account of the princess." "yes. that's true." "the two giants ran shouting towards the encampment. the soldiers ran this way and that, and then some began firing. they say they saw him stagger--" "ugh!" "yes, sir. but we know he is not badly hurt." "how?" "he sent the message, sir, that he was doing well!" "to me?" "who else, sir?" redwood stood for nearly a minute with his arms tightly folded, taking this in. then his indignation found a voice. "because you were fools in doing the thing, because you miscalculated and blundered, you would like me to think you are not murderers in intention. and besides--the rest?" the young man looked interrogation. "the other giants?" the young man made no further pretence of misunderstanding. his tone fell. "thirteen, sir, are dead." "and others wounded?" "yes, sir." "and caterham," he gasped, "wants to meet me! where are the others?" "some got to the encampment during the fighting, sir ... they seem to have known--" "well, of course they did. if it hadn't been for cossar--cossar is there?" "yes, sir. and all the surviving giants are there--the ones who didn't get to the camp in the fighting have gone, or are going now under the flag of trace." "that means," said redwood, "that you are beaten." "we are not beaten. no, sir. you cannot say we are beaten. but your sons have broken the rules of war. once last night, and now again. after our attack had been withdrawn. this afternoon they began to bombard london--" "that's legitimate!" "they have been firing shells filled with--poison." "poison?" "yes. poison. the food--" "herakleophorbia?" "yes, sir. mr. caterham, sir--" "you are beaten! of course that beats you. it's cossar! what can you hope to do now? what good is it to do anything now? you will breathe it in the dust of every street. what is there to fight for more? rules of war, indeed! and now caterham wants to humbug me to help him bargain. good heavens, man! why should i come to your exploded windbag? he has played his game ... murdered and muddled. why should i?" the young man stood with an air of vigilant respect. "it is a fact, sir," he interrupted, "that the giants insist that they shall see you. they will have no ambassador but you. unless you come to them, i am afraid, sir, there will be more bloodshed." "on _your_ side, perhaps." "no, sir--on both sides. the world is resolved the thing must end." redwood looked about the study. his eyes rested for a moment on the photograph of his boy. he turned and met the expectation of the young man. "yes," he said at last, "i will come." iv. his encounter with caterham was entirely different from his anticipation. he had seen the man only twice in his life, once at dinner and once in the lobby of the house, and his imagination had been active not with the man but with the creation of the newspapers and caricaturists, the legendary caterham, jack the giant-killer, perseus, and all the rest of it. the element of a human personality came in to disorder all that. here was not the face of the caricatures and portraits, but the face of a worn and sleepless man, lined and drawn, yellow in the whites of the eyes, a little weakened about the mouth. here, indeed, were the red-brown eyes, the black hair, the distinctive aquiline profile of the great demagogue, but here was also something else that smote any premeditated scorn and rhetoric aside. this man was suffering; he was suffering acutely; he was under enormous stress. from the beginning he had an air of impersonating himself. presently, with a single gesture, the slightest movement, he revealed to redwood that he was keeping himself up with drugs. he moved a thumb to his waistcoat pocket, and then, after a few sentences more, threw concealment aside, and slipped the little tabloid to his lips. moreover, in spite of the stresses upon him, in spite of the fact that he was in the wrong, and redwood's junior by a dozen years, that strange quality in him, the something--personal magnetism one may call it for want of a better name--that had won his way for him to this eminence of disaster was with him still. on that also redwood had failed to reckon. from the first, so far as the course and conduct of their speech went, caterham prevailed over redwood. all the quality of the first phase of their meeting was determined by him, all the tone and procedure were his. that happened as if it was a matter of course. all redwood's expectations vanished at his presence. he shook hands before redwood remembered that he meant to parry that familiarity; he pitched the note of their conference from the outset, sure and clear, as a search for expedients under a common catastrophe. if he made any mistake it was when ever and again his fatigue got the better of his immediate attention, and the habit of the public meeting carried him away. then he drew himself up--through all their interview both men stood--and looked away from redwood, and began to fence and justify. once even he said "gentlemen!" quietly, expandingly, he began to talk.... there were moments when redwood ceased even to feel himself an interlocutor, when he became the mere auditor of a monologue. he became the privileged spectator of an extraordinary phenomenon. he perceived something almost like a specific difference between himself and this being whose beautiful voice enveloped him, who was talking, talking. this mind before him was so powerful and so limited. from its driving energy, its personal weight, its invincible oblivion to certain things, there sprang up in redwood's mind the most grotesque and strange of images. instead of an antagonist who was a fellow-creature, a man one could hold morally responsible, and to whom one could address reasonable appeals, he saw caterham as something, something like a monstrous rhinoceros, as it were, a civilised rhinoceros begotten of the jungle of democratic affairs, a monster of irresistible onset and invincible resistance. in all the crashing conflicts of that tangle he was supreme. and beyond? this man was a being supremely adapted to make his way through multitudes of men. for him there was no fault so important as self-contradiction, no science so significant as the reconciliation of "interests." economic realities, topographical necessities, the barely touched mines of scientific expedients, existed for him no more than railways or rifled guns or geographical literature exist for his animal prototype. what did exist were gatherings, and caucuses, and votes--above all, votes. he was votes incarnate--millions of votes. and now in the great crisis, with the giants broken but not beaten, this vote-monster talked. it was so evident that even now he had everything to learn. he did not know there were physical laws and economic laws, quantities and reactions that all humanity voting _nemine contradicente_ cannot vote away, and that are disobeyed only at the price of destruction. he did not know there are moral laws that cannot be bent by any force of glamour, or are bent only to fly back with vindictive violence. in the face of shrapnel or the judgment day, it was evident to redwood that this man would have sheltered behind some curiously dodged vote of the house of commons. what most concerned his mind now was not the powers that held the fastness away there to the south, not defeat and death, but the effect of these things upon his majority, the cardinal reality in his life. he had to defeat the giants or go under. he was by no means absolutely despairful. in this hour of his utmost failure, with blood and disaster upon his hands, and the rich promise of still more horrible disaster, with the gigantic destinies of the world towering and toppling over him, he was capable of a belief that by sheer exertion of his voice, by explaining and qualifying and restating, he might yet reconstitute his power. he was puzzled and distressed no doubt, fatigued and suffering, but if only he could keep up, if only he could keep talking-as he talked he seemed to redwood to advance and recede, to dilate and contract. redwood's share of the talk was of the most subsidiary sort, wedges as it were suddenly thrust in. "that's all nonsense." "no." "it's no use suggesting that." "then why did you begin?" it is doubtful if caterham really heard him at all. round such interpolations caterham's speech flowed indeed like some swift stream about a rock. there this incredible man stood, on his official hearthrug, talking, talking with enormous power and skill, talking as though a pause in his talk, his explanations, his presentation of standpoints and lights, of considerations and expedients, would permit some antagonistic influence to leap into being--into vocal being, the only being he could comprehend. there he stood amidst the slightly faded splendours of that official room in which one man after another had succumbed to the belief that a certain power of intervention was the creative control of an empire.... the more he talked the more certain redwood's sense of stupendous futility grew. did this man realise that while he stood and talked there, the whole great world was moving, that the invincible tide of growth flowed and flowed, that there were any hours but parliamentary hours, or any weapons in the hands of the avengers of blood? outside, darkling the whole room, a single leaf of giant virginia creeper tapped unheeded on the pane. redwood became anxious to end this amazing monologue, to escape to sanity and judgment, to that beleaguered camp, the fastness of the future, where, at the very nucleus of greatness, the sons were gathered together. for that this talking was endured. he had a curious impression that unless this monologue ended he would presently find himself carried away by it, that he must fight against caterham's voice as one fights against a drug. facts had altered and were altering beneath that spell. what was the man saying? since redwood had to report it to the children of the food, in a sort of way he perceived it did matter. he would have to listen and guard his sense of realities as well as he could. much about bloodguiltiness. that was eloquence. that didn't matter. next? he was suggesting a convention! he was suggesting that the surviving children of the food should capitulate and go apart and form a community of their own. there were precedents, he said, for this. "we would assign them territory--" "where?" interjected redwood, stooping to argue. caterham snatched at that concession. he turned his face to redwood's, and his voice fell to a persuasive reasonableness. that could be determined. that, he contended, was a quite subsidiary question. then he went on to stipulate: "and except for them and where they are we must have absolute control, the food and all the fruits of the food must be stamped out--" redwood found himself bargaining: "the princess?" "she stands apart." "no," said redwood, struggling to get back to the old footing. "that's absurd." "that afterwards. at any rate we are agreed that the making of the food must stop--" "i have agreed to nothing. i have said nothing--" "but on one planet, to have two races of men, one great, one small! consider what has happened! consider that is but a little foretaste of what might presently happen if this food has its way! consider all you have already brought upon this world! if there is to be a race of giants, increasing and multiplying--" "it is not for me to argue," said redwood. "i must go to our sons. i want to go to my son. that is why i have come to you. tell me exactly what you offer." caterham made a speech upon his terms. the children of the food were to be given a great reservation--in north america perhaps or africa--in which they might live out their lives in their own fashion. "but it's nonsense," said redwood. "there are other giants now abroad. all over europe--here and there!" "there could be an international convention. it's _not_ impossible. something of the sort indeed has already been spoken of ... but in this reservation they can live out their own lives in their own way. they may do what they like; they may make what they like. we shall be glad if they will make us things. they may be happy. think!" "provided there are no more children." "precisely. the children are for us. and so, sir, we shall save the world, we shall save it absolutely from the fruits of your terrible discovery. it is not too late for us. only we are eager to temper expediency with mercy. even now we are burning and searing the places their shells hit yesterday. we can get it under. trust me we shall get it under. but in that way, without cruelty, without injustice--" "and suppose the children do not agree?" for the first time caterham looked redwood fully in the face. "they must!" "i don't think they will." "why should they not agree?" he asked, in richly toned amazement. "suppose they don't?" "what can it be but war? we cannot have the thing go on. we cannot. sir. have you scientific men _no_ imagination? have you no mercy? we cannot have our world trampled under a growing herd of such monsters and monstrous growths as your food has made. we cannot and we cannot! i ask you, sir, what can it be but war? and remember--this that has happened is only a beginning! _this_ was a skirmish. a mere affair of police. believe me, a mere affair of police. do not be cheated by perspective, by the immediate bigness of these newer things. behind us is the nation--is humanity. behind the thousands who have died there are millions. were it not for the fear of bloodshed, sir, behind our first attacks there would be forming other attacks, even now. whether we can kill this food or not, most assuredly we can kill your sons! you reckon too much on the things of yesterday, on the happenings of a mere score of years, on one battle. you have no sense of the slow course of history. i offer this convention for the sake of lives, not because it can change the inevitable end. if you think that your poor two dozen of giants can resist all the forces of our people and of all the alien peoples who will come to our aid; if you think you can change humanity at a blow, in a single generation, and alter the nature and stature of man--" he flung out an arm. "go to them now, sir. i see them, for all the evil they have done, crouching among their wounded--" he stopped, as though he had glanced at redwood's son by chance. there came a pause. "go to them," he said. "that is what i want to do." "then go now...." he turned and pressed the button of a bell; without, in immediate response, came a sound of opening doors and hastening feet. the talk was at an end. the display was over. abruptly caterham seemed to contract, to shrivel up into a yellow-faced, fagged-out, middle-sized, middle-aged man. he stepped forward, as if he were stepping out of a picture, and with a complete assumption of that friendliness that lies behind all the public conflicts of our race, he held out his hand to redwood. as if it were a matter of course, redwood shook hands with him for the second time. chapter the fifth. the giant leaguer. i. presently redwood found himself in a train going south over the thames. he had a brief vision of the river shining under its lights, and of the smoke still going up from the place where the shell had fallen on the north bank, and where a vast multitude of men had been organised to burn the herakleophorbia out of the ground. the southern bank was dark, for some reason even the streets were not lit, all that was clearly visible was the outlines of the tall alarm-towers and the dark bulks of flats and schools, and after a minute of peering scrutiny he turned his back on the window and sank into thought. there was nothing more to see or do until he saw the sons.... he was fatigued by the stresses of the last two days; it seemed to him that his emotions must needs be exhausted, but he had fortified himself with strong coffee before starting, and his thoughts ran thin and clear. his mind touched many things. he reviewed again, but now in the enlightenment of accomplished events, the manner in which the food had entered and unfolded itself in the world. "bensington thought it might be an excellent food for infants," he whispered to himself, with a faint smile. then there came into his mind as vivid as if they were still unsettled his own horrible doubts after he had committed himself by giving it to his own son. from that, with a steady unfaltering expansion, in spite of every effort of men to help and hinder, the food had spread through the whole world of man. and now? "even if they kill them all," redwood whispered, "the thing is done." the secret of its making was known far and wide. that had been his own work. plants, animals, a multitude of distressful growing children would conspire irresistibly to force the world to revert again to the food, whatever happened in the present struggle. "the thing is done," he said, with his mind swinging round beyond all his controlling to rest upon the present fate of the children and his son. would he find them exhausted by the efforts of the battle, wounded, starving, on the verge of defeat, or would he find them still stout and hopeful, ready for the still grimmer conflict of the morrow? his son was wounded! but he had sent a message! his mind came back to his interview with caterham. he was roused from his thoughts by the stopping of his train in chislehurst station. he recognised the place by the huge rat alarm-tower that crested camden hill, and the row of blossoming giant hemlocks that lined the road.... caterham's private secretary came to him from the other carriage and told him that half a mile farther the line had been wrecked, and that the rest of the journey was to be made in a motor car. redwood descended upon a platform lit only by a hand lantern and swept by the cool night breeze. the quiet of that derelict, wood-set, weed-embedded suburb--for all the inhabitants had taken refuge in london at the outbreak of yesterday's conflict--became instantly impressive. his conductor took him down the steps to where a motor car was waiting with blazing lights--the only lights to be seen--handed him over to the care of the driver and bade him farewell. "you will do your best for us," he said, with an imitation of his master's manner, as he held redwood's hand. so soon as redwood could be wrapped about they started out into the night. at one moment they stood still, and then the motor car was rushing softly and swiftly down the station incline. they turned one corner and another, followed the windings of a lane of villas, and then before them stretched the road. the motor droned up to its topmost speed, and the black night swept past them. everything was very dark under the starlight, and the whole world crouched mysteriously and was gone without a sound. not a breath stirred the flying things by the wayside; the deserted, pallid white villas on either hand, with their black unlit windows, reminded him of a noiseless procession of skulls. the driver beside him was a silent man, or stricken into silence by the conditions of his journey. he answered redwood's brief questions in monosyllables, and gruffly. athwart the southern sky the beams of searchlights waved noiseless passes; the sole strange evidences of life they seemed in all that derelict world about the hurrying machine. the road was presently bordered on either side by gigantic blackthorn shoots that made it very dark, and by tail grass and big campions, huge giant dead-nettles as high as trees, flickering past darkly in silhouette overhead. beyond keston they came to a rising hill, and the driver went slow. at the crest he stopped. the engine throbbed and became still. "there," he said, and his big gloved finger pointed, a black misshapen thing before redwood's eyes. far away as it seemed, the great embankment, crested by the blaze from which the searchlights sprang, rose up against the sky. those beams went and came among the clouds and the hilly land about them as if they traced mysterious incantations. "i don't know," said the driver at last, and it was clear he was afraid to go on. presently a searchlight swept down the sky to them, stopped as it were with a start, scrutinised them, a blinding stare confused rather than mitigated by an intervening monstrous weed stem or so. they sat with their gloves held over their eyes, trying to look under them and meet that light. "go on," said redwood after a while. the driver still had his doubts; he tried to express them, and died down to "i don't know" again. at last he ventured on. "here goes," he said, and roused his machinery to motion again, followed intently by that great white eye. to redwood it seemed for a long time they were no longer on earth, but in a state of palpitating hurry through a luminous cloud. teuf, teuf, teuf, teuf, went the machine, and ever and again--obeying i know not what nervous impulse--the driver sounded his horn. they passed into the welcome darkness of a high-fenced lane, and down into a hollow and past some houses into that blinding stare again. then for a space the road ran naked across a down, and they seemed to hang throbbing in immensity. once more giant weeds rose about them and whirled past. then quite abruptly close upon them loomed the figure of a giant, shining brightly where the searchlight caught him below, and black against the sky above. "hullo there!" he cried, and "stop! there's no more road beyond ... is that father redwood?" redwood stood up and gave a vague shout by way of answer, and then cossar was in the road beside him, gripping both hands with both of his and pulling him out of the car. "what of my son?" asked redwood. "he's all right," said cossar. "they've hurt nothing serious in _him_." "and your lads?" "well. all of them, well. but we've had to make a fight for it." the giant was saying something to the motor driver. redwood stood aside as the machine wheeled round, and then suddenly cossar vanished, everything vanished, and he was in absolute darkness for a space. the glare was following the motor back to the crest of the keston hill. he watched the little conveyance receding in that white halo. it had a curious effect, as though it was not moving at all and the halo was. a group of war-blasted giant elders flashed into gaunt scarred gesticulations and were swallowed again by the night ... redwood turned to cossar's dim outline again and clasped his hand. "i have been shut up and kept in ignorance," he said, "for two whole days." "we fired the food at them," said cossar. "obviously! thirty shots. eh!" "i come from caterham." "i know you do." he laughed with a note of bitterness. "i suppose he's wiping it up." ii. "where is my son?" said redwood. "he is all right. the giants are waiting for your message." "yes, but my son--..." he passed with cossar down a long slanting tunnel that was lit red for a moment and then became dark again, and came out presently into the great pit of shelter the giants had made. redwood's first impression was of an enormous arena bounded by very high cliffs and with its floor greatly encumbered. it was in darkness save for the passing reflections of the watchman's searchlights that whirled perpetually high overhead, and for a red glow that came and went from a distant corner where two giants worked together amidst a metallic clangour. against the sky, as the glare came about, his eye caught the familiar outlines of the old worksheds and playsheds that were made for the cossar boys. they were hanging now, as it were, at a cliff brow, and strangely twisted and distorted with the guns of caterham's bombardment. there were suggestions of huge gun emplacements above there, and nearer were piles of mighty cylinders that were perhaps ammunition. all about the wide space below, the forms of great engines and incomprehensible bulks were scattered in vague disorder. the giants appeared and vanished among these masses and in the uncertain light; great shapes they were, not disproportionate to the things amidst which they moved. some were actively employed, some sitting and lying as if they courted sleep, and one near at hand, whose body was bandaged, lay on a rough litter of pine boughs and was certainly asleep. redwood peered at these dim forms; his eyes went from one stirring outline to another. "where is my son, cossar?" then he saw him. his son was sitting under the shadow of a great wall of steel. he presented himself as a black shape recognisable only by his pose,--his features were invisible. he sat chin upon hand, as though weary or lost in thought. beside him redwood discovered the figure of the princess, the dark suggestion of her merely, and then, as the glow from the distant iron returned, he saw for an instant, red lit and tender, the infinite kindliness of her shadowed face. she stood looking down upon her lover with her hand resting against the steel. it seemed that she whispered to him. redwood would have gone towards them. "presently," said cossar. "first there is your message." "yes," said redwood, "but--" he stopped. his son was now looking up and speaking to the princess, but in too low a tone for them to hear. young redwood raised his face, and she bent down towards him, and glanced aside before she spoke. "but if we are beaten," they heard the whispered voice of young redwood. she paused, and the red blaze showed her eyes bright with unshed tears. she bent nearer him and spoke still lower. there was something so intimate and private in their bearing, in their soft tones, that redwood--redwood who had thought for two whole days of nothing but his son--felt himself intrusive there. abruptly he was checked. for the first time in his life perhaps he realised how much more a son may be to his father than a father can ever be to a son; he realised the full predominance of the future over the past. here between these two he had no part. his part was played. he turned to cossar, in the instant realisation. their eyes met. his voice was changed to the tone of a grey resolve. "i will deliver my message now," he said. "afterwards--... it will be soon enough then." the pit was so enormous and so encumbered that it was a long and tortuous route to the place from which redwood could speak to them all. he and cossar followed a steeply descending way that passed beneath an arch of interlocking machinery, and so came into a vast deep gangway that ran athwart the bottom of the pit. this gangway, wide and vacant, and yet relatively narrow, conspired with everything about it to enhance redwood's sense of his own littleness. it became, as it were, an excavated gorge. high overhead, separated from him by cliffs of darkness, the searchlights wheeled and blazed, and the shining shapes went to and fro. giant voices called to one another above there, calling the giants together to the council of war, to hear the terms that caterham had sent. the gangway still inclined downward towards black vastnesses, towards shadows and mysteries and inconceivable things, into which redwood went slowly with reluctant footsteps and cossar with a confident stride.... redwood's thoughts were busy. the two men passed into the completest darkness, and cossar took his companion's wrist. they went now slowly perforce. redwood was moved to speak. "all this," he said, "is strange." "big," said cossar. "strange. and strange that it should be strange to me--i, who am, in a sense, the beginning of it all. it's--" he stopped, wrestling with his elusive meaning, and threw an unseen gesture at the cliff. "i have not thought of it before. i have been busy, and the years have passed. but here i see--it is a new generation, cossar, and new emotions and new needs. all this, cossar--" cossar saw now his dim gesture to the things about them. "all this is youth." cossar made no answers and his irregular footfalls went striding on. "it isn't _our_ youth, cossar. they are taking things over. they are beginning upon their own emotions, their own experiences, their own way. we have made a new world, and it isn't ours. it isn't even--sympathetic. this great place--" "i planned it," said cossar, his face close. "but now?" "ah! i have given it to my sons." redwood could feel the loose wave of the arm that he could not see. "that is it. we are over--or almost over." "your message!" "yes. and then--" "we're over." "well--?" "of course we are out of it, we two old men," said cossar, with his familiar note of sudden anger. "of course we are. obviously. each man for his own time. and now--it's _their_ time beginning. that's all right. excavator's gang. we do our job and go. see? that is what death is for. we work out all our little brains and all our little emotions, and then this lot begins afresh. fresh and fresh! perfectly simple. what's the trouble?" he paused to guide redwood to some steps. "yes," said redwood, "but one feels--" he left his sentence incomplete. "that is what death is for." he heard cossar below him insisting, "how else could the thing be done? that is what death is for." iii. after devious windings and ascents they came out upon a projecting ledge from which it was possible to see over the greater extent of the giants' pit, and from which redwood might make himself heard by the whole of their assembly. the giants were already gathered below and about him at different levels, to hear the message he had to deliver. the eldest son of cossar stood on the bank overhead watching the revelations of the searchlights, for they feared a breach of the truce. the workers at the great apparatus in the corner stood out clear in their own light; they were near stripped; they turned their faces towards redwood, but with a watchful reference ever and again to the castings that they could not leave. he saw these nearer figures with a fluctuating indistinctness, by lights that came and went, and the remoter ones still less distinctly. they came from and vanished again into the depths of great obscurities. for these giants had no more light than they could help in the pit, that their eyes might be ready to see effectually any attacking force that might spring upon them out of the darknesses around. ever and again some chance glare would pick out and display this group or that of tall and powerful forms, the giants from sunderland clothed in overlapping metal plates, and the others clad in leather, in woven rope or in woven metal, as their conditions had determined. they sat amidst or rested their hands upon, or stood erect among machines and weapons as mighty as themselves, and all their faces, as they came and went from visible to invisible, had steadfast eyes. he made an effort to begin and did not do so. then for a moment his son's face glowed out in a hot insurgence of the fire, his son's face looking up to him, tender as well as strong; and at that he found a voice to reach them all, speaking across a gulf, as it were, to his son. "i come from caterham," he said. "he sent me to you, to tell you the terms he offers." he paused. "they are impossible terms, i know, now that i see you here all together; they are impossible terms, but i brought them to you, because i wanted to see you all--and my son. once more ... i wanted to see my son...." "tell them the terms," said cossar. "this is what caterham offers. he wants you to go apart and leave his world!" "where?" "he does not know. vaguely somewhere in the world a great region is to be set apart.... and you are to make no more of the food, to have no children of your own, to live in your own way for your own time, and then to end for ever." he stopped. "and that is all?" "that is all." there followed a great stillness. the darkness that veiled the giants seemed to look thoughtfully at him. he felt a touch at his elbow, and cossar was holding a chair for him--a queer fragment of doll's furniture amidst these piled immensities. he sat down and crossed his legs, and then put one across the knee of the other, and clutched his boot nervously, and felt small and self-conscious and acutely visible and absurdly placed. then at the sound of a voice he forgot himself again. "you have heard, brothers," said this voice out of the shadows. and another answered, "we have heard." "and the answer, brothers?" "to caterham?" "is no!" "and then?" there was a silence for the space of some seconds. then a voice said: "these people are right. after their lights, that is. they have been right in killing all that grew larger than its kind--beast and plant and all manner of great things that arose. they were right in trying to massacre us. they are right now in saying we must not marry our kind. according to their lights they are right. they know--it is time that we also knew--that you cannot have pigmies and giants in one world together. caterham has said that again and again--clearly--their world or ours." "we are not half a hundred now," said another, "and they are endless millions." "so it may be. but the thing is as i have said." then another long silence. "and are we to die then?" "god forbid!" "are they?" "no." "but that is what caterham says! he would have us live out our lives, die one by one, till only one remains, and that one at last would die also, and they would cut down all the giant plants and weeds, kill all the giant under-life, burn out the traces of the food--make an end to us and to the food for ever. then the little pigmy world would be safe. they would go on--safe for ever, living their little pigmy lives, doing pigmy kindnesses and pigmy cruelties each to the other; they might even perhaps attain a sort of pigmy millennium, make an end to war, make an end to over-population, sit down in a world-wide city to practise pigmy arts, worshipping one another till the world begins to freeze...." in the corner a sheet of iron fell in thunder to the ground. "brothers, we know what we mean to do." in a spluttering of light from the searchlights redwood saw earnest youthful faces turning to his son. "it is easy now to make the food. it would be easy for us to make food for all the world." "you mean, brother redwood," said a voice out of the darkness, "that it is for the little people to eat the food." "what else is there to do?" "we are not half a hundred and they are many millions." "but we held our own." "so far." "if it is god's will, we may still hold our own." "yes. but think of the dead!" another voice took up the strain. "the dead," it said. "think of the unborn...." "brothers," came the voice of young redwood, "what can we do but fight them, and if we beat them, make them take the food? they cannot help but take the food now. suppose we were to resign our heritage and do this folly that caterham suggests! suppose we could! suppose we give up this great thing that stirs within us, repudiate this thing our fathers did for us--that _you_, father, did for us--and pass, when our time has come, into decay and nothingness! what then? will this little world of theirs be as it was before? they may fight against greatness in us who are the children of men, but can they conquer? even if they should destroy us every one, what then? would it save them? no! for greatness is abroad, not only in us, not only in the food, but in the purpose of all things! it is in the nature of all things; it is part of space and time. to grow and still to grow: from first to last that is being--that is the law of life. what other law can there be?" "to help others?" "to grow. it is still, to grow. unless we help them to fail...." "they will fight hard to overcome us," said a voice. and another, "what of that?" "they will fight," said young redwood. "if we refuse these terms, i doubt not they will fight. indeed i hope they will be open and fight. if after all they offer peace, it will be only the better to catch us unawares. make no mistake, brothers; in some way or other they will fight. the war has begun, and we must fight, to the end. unless we are wise, we may find presently we have lived only to make them better weapons against our children and our kind. this, so far, has been only the dawn of battle. all our lives will be a battle. some of us will be killed in battle, some of us will be waylaid. there is no easy victory--no victory whatever that is not more than half defeat for us. be sure of that. what of that? if only we keep a foothold, if only we leave behind us a growing host to fight when we are gone!" "and to-morrow?" "we will scatter the food; we will saturate the world with the food." "suppose they come to terms?" "our terms are the food. it is not as though little and great could live together in any perfection of compromise. it is one thing or the other. what right have parents to say, my child shall have no light but the light i have had, shall grow no greater than the greatness to which i have grown? do i speak for you, brothers?" assenting murmurs answered him. "and to the children who will be women as well as to the children who will be men," said a voice from the darkness. "even more so--to be mothers of a new race ..." "but for the next generation there must be great and little," said redwood, with his eyes on his son's face. "for many generations. and the little will hamper the great and the great press upon the little. so it must needs be, father." "there will be conflict." "endless conflict. endless misunderstanding. all life is that. great and little cannot understand one another. but in every child born of man, father redwood, lurks some seed of greatness--waiting for the food." "then i am to go to caterham again and tell him--" "you will stay with us, father redwood. our answer goes to caterham at dawn." "he says that he will fight...." "so be it," said young redwood, and his brethren murmured assent. "_the iron waits_," cried a voice, and the two giants who were working in the corner began a rhythmic hammering that made a mighty music to the scene. the metal glowed out far more brightly than it had done before, and gave redwood a clearer view of the encampment than had yet come to him. he saw the oblong space to its full extent, with the great engines of warfare ranged ready to hand. beyond, and at a higher level, the house of the cossars stood. about him were the young giants, huge and beautiful, glittering in their mail, amidst the preparations for the morrow. the sight of them lifted his heart. they were so easily powerful! they were so tall and gracious! they were so steadfast in their movements! there was his son amongst them, and the first of all giant women, the princess.... there leapt into his mind the oddest contrast, a memory of bensington, very bright and little--bensington with his hand amidst the soft breast feathers of that first great chick, standing in that conventionally furnished room of his, peering over his spectacles dubiously as cousin jane banged the door.... it had all happened in a yesterday of one-and-twenty years. then suddenly a strange doubt took hold of him: that this place and present greatness were but the texture of a dream; that he was dreaming, and would in an instant wake to find himself in his study again, the giants slaughtered, the food suppressed, and himself a prisoner locked in. what else indeed was life but that--always to be a prisoner locked in! this was the culmination and end of his dream. he would wake through bloodshed and battle, to find his food the most foolish of fancies, and his hopes and faith of a greater world to come no more than the coloured film upon a pool of bottomless decay. littleness invincible! so strong and deep was this wave of despondency, this suggestion of impending disillusionment, that he started to his feet. he stood and pressed his clenched fists into his eyes, and so for a moment remained, fearing to open them again and see, lest the dream should already have passed away.... the voice of the giant children spoke to one another, an undertone to that clangorous melody of the smiths. his tide of doubt ebbed. he heard the giant voices; he heard their movements about him still. it was real, surely it was real--as real as spiteful acts! more real, for these great things, it may be, are the coming things, and the littleness, bestiality, and infirmity of men are the things that go. he opened his eyes. "done," cried one of the two ironworkers, and they flung their hammers down. a voice sounded above. the son of cossar, standing on the great embankment, had turned and was now speaking to them all. "it is not that we would oust the little people from the world," he said, "in order that we, who are no more than one step upwards from their littleness, may hold their world for ever. it is the step we fight for and not ourselves.... we are here, brothers, to what end? to serve the spirit and the purpose that has been breathed into our lives. we fight not for ourselves--for we are but the momentary hands and eyes of the life of the world. so you, father redwood, taught us. through us and through the little folk the spirit looks and learns. from us by word and birth and act it must pass--to still greater lives. this earth is no resting place; this earth is no playing place, else indeed we might put our throats to the little people's knife, having no greater right to live than they. and they in their turn might yield to the ants and vermin. we fight not for ourselves but for growth--growth that goes on for ever. to-morrow, whether we live or die, growth will conquer through us. that is the law of the spirit for ever more. to grow according to the will of god! to grow out of these cracks and crannies, out of these shadows and darknesses, into greatness and the light! greater," he said, speaking with slow deliberation, "greater, my brothers! and then--still greater. to grow, and again--to grow. to grow at last into the fellowship and understanding of god. growing.... till the earth is no more than a footstool.... till the spirit shall have driven fear into nothingness, and spread...." he swung his arm heavenward:--"_there!"_ his voice ceased. the white glare of one of the searchlights wheeled about, and for a moment fell upon him, standing out gigantic with hand upraised against the sky. for one instant he shone, looking up fearlessly into the starry deeps, mail-clad, young and strong, resolute and still. then the light had passed, and he was no more than a great black outline against the starry sky--a great black outline that threatened with one mighty gesture the firmament of heaven and all its multitude of stars. the end. master francis rabelais five books of the lives, heroic deeds and sayings of gargantua and his son pantagruel book iii. translated into english by sir thomas urquhart of cromarty and peter antony motteux the text of the first two books of rabelais has been reprinted from the first edition (1653) of urquhart's translation. footnotes initialled 'm.' are drawn from the maitland club edition (1838); other footnotes are by the translator. urquhart's translation of book iii. appeared posthumously in 1693, with a new edition of books i. and ii., under motteux's editorship. motteux's rendering of books iv. and v. followed in 1708. occasionally (as the footnotes indicate) passages omitted by motteux have been restored from the 1738 copy edited by ozell. the third book francois rabelais to the soul of the deceased queen of navarre. abstracted soul, ravished with ecstasies, gone back, and now familiar in the skies, thy former host, thy body, leaving quite, which to obey thee always took delight,- obsequious, ready,--now from motion free, senseless, and as it were in apathy, wouldst thou not issue forth for a short space, from that divine, eternal, heavenly place, to see the third part, in this earthy cell, of the brave acts of good pantagruel? the author's prologue. good people, most illustrious drinkers, and you, thrice precious gouty gentlemen, did you ever see diogenes, and cynic philosopher? if you have seen him, you then had your eyes in your head, or i am very much out of my understanding and logical sense. it is a gallant thing to see the clearness of (wine, gold,) the sun. i'll be judged by the blind born so renowned in the sacred scriptures, who, having at his choice to ask whatever he would from him who is almighty, and whose word in an instant is effectually performed, asked nothing else but that he might see. item, you are not young, which is a competent quality for you to philosophate more than physically in wine, not in vain, and henceforwards to be of the bacchic council; to the end that, opining there, you may give your opinion faithfully of the substance, colour, excellent odour, eminency, propriety, faculty, virtue, and effectual dignity of the said blessed and desired liquor. if you have not seen him, as i am easily induced to believe that you have not, at least you have heard some talk of him. for through the air, and the whole extent of this hemisphere of the heavens, hath his report and fame, even until this present time, remained very memorable and renowned. then all of you are derived from the phrygian blood, if i be not deceived. if you have not so many crowns as midas had, yet have you something, i know not what, of him, which the persians of old esteemed more of in all their otacusts, and which was more desired by the emperor antonine, and gave occasion thereafter to the basilico at rohan to be surnamed goodly ears. if you have not heard of him, i will presently tell you a story to make your wine relish. drink then,--so, to the purpose. hearken now whilst i give you notice, to the end that you may not, like infidels, be by your simplicity abused, that in his time he was a rare philosopher and the cheerfullest of a thousand. if he had some imperfection, so have you, so have we; for there is nothing, but god, that is perfect. yet so it was, that by alexander the great, although he had aristotle for his instructor and domestic, was he held in such estimation, that he wished, if he had not been alexander, to have been diogenes the sinopian. when philip, king of macedon, enterprised the siege and ruin of corinth, the corinthians having received certain intelligence by their spies that he with a numerous army in battle-rank was coming against them, were all of them, not without cause, most terribly afraid; and therefore were not neglective of their duty in doing their best endeavours to put themselves in a fit posture to resist his hostile approach and defend their own city. some from the fields brought into the fortified places their movables, bestial, corn, wine, fruit, victuals, and other necessary provision. others did fortify and rampire their walls, set up little fortresses, bastions, squared ravelins, digged trenches, cleansed countermines, fenced themselves with gabions, contrived platforms, emptied casemates, barricaded the false brays, erected the cavaliers, repaired the counterscarps, plastered the curtains, lengthened ravelins, stopped parapets, morticed barbacans, assured the portcullises, fastened the herses, sarasinesques, and cataracts, placed their sentries, and doubled their patrol. everyone did watch and ward, and not one was exempted from carrying the basket. some polished corslets, varnished backs and breasts, cleaned the headpieces, mail-coats, brigandines, salads, helmets, morions, jacks, gushets, gorgets, hoguines, brassars, and cuissars, corslets, haubergeons, shields, bucklers, targets, greaves, gauntlets, and spurs. others made ready bows, slings, crossbows, pellets, catapults, migrains or fire-balls, firebrands, balists, scorpions, and other such warlike engines expugnatory and destructive to the hellepolides. they sharpened and prepared spears, staves, pikes, brown bills, halberds, long hooks, lances, zagayes, quarterstaves, eelspears, partisans, troutstaves, clubs, battle-axes, maces, darts, dartlets, glaives, javelins, javelots, and truncheons. they set edges upon scimitars, cutlasses, badelairs, backswords, tucks, rapiers, bayonets, arrow-heads, dags, daggers, mandousians, poniards, whinyards, knives, skeans, shables, chipping knives, and raillons. every man exercised his weapon, every man scoured off the rust from his natural hanger; nor was there a woman amongst them, though never so reserved or old, who made not her harness to be well furbished; as you know the corinthian women of old were reputed very courageous combatants. diogenes seeing them all so warm at work, and himself not employed by the magistrates in any business whatsoever, he did very seriously, for many days together, without speaking one word, consider and contemplate the countenance of his fellow-citizens. then on a sudden, as if he had been roused up and inspired by a martial spirit, he girded his cloak scarfwise about his left arm, tucked up his sleeves to the elbow, trussed himself like a clown gathering apples, and, giving to one of his old acquaintance his wallet, books, and opistographs, away went he out of town towards a little hill or promontory of corinth called (the) cranie; and there on the strand, a pretty level place, did he roll his jolly tub, which served him for a house to shelter him from the injuries of the weather: there, i say, in a great vehemency of spirit, did he turn it, veer it, wheel it, whirl it, frisk it, jumble it, shuffle it, huddle it, tumble it, hurry it, jolt it, justle it, overthrow it, evert it, invert it, subvert it, overturn it, beat it, thwack it, bump it, batter it, knock it, thrust it, push it, jerk it, shock it, shake it, toss it, throw it, overthrow it, upside down, topsy-turvy, arsiturvy, tread it, trample it, stamp it, tap it, ting it, ring it, tingle it, towl it, sound it, resound it, stop it, shut it, unbung it, close it, unstopple it. and then again in a mighty bustle he bandied it, slubbered it, hacked it, whittled it, wayed it, darted it, hurled it, staggered it, reeled it, swinged it, brangled it, tottered it, lifted it, heaved it, transformed it, transfigured it, transposed it, transplaced it, reared it, raised it, hoised it, washed it, dighted it, cleansed it, rinsed it, nailed it, settled it, fastened it, shackled it, fettered it, levelled it, blocked it, tugged it, tewed it, carried it, bedashed it, bewrayed it, parched it, mounted it, broached it, nicked it, notched it, bespattered it, decked it, adorned it, trimmed it, garnished it, gauged it, furnished it, bored it, pierced it, trapped it, rumbled it, slid it down the hill, and precipitated it from the very height of the cranie; then from the foot to the top (like another sisyphus with his stone) bore it up again, and every way so banged it and belaboured it that it was ten thousand to one he had not struck the bottom of it out. which when one of his friends had seen, and asked him why he did so toil his body, perplex his spirit, and torment his tub, the philosopher's answer was that, not being employed in any other charge by the republic, he thought it expedient to thunder and storm it so tempestuously upon his tub, that amongst a people so fervently busy and earnest at work he alone might not seem a loitering slug and lazy fellow. to the same purpose may i say of myself, though i be rid from fear, i am not void of care. for, perceiving no account to be made of me towards the discharge of a trust of any great concernment, and considering that through all the parts of this most noble kingdom of france, both on this and on the other side of the mountains, everyone is most diligently exercised and busied, some in the fortifying of their own native country for its defence, others in the repulsing of their enemies by an offensive war; and all this with a policy so excellent and such admirable order, so manifestly profitable for the future, whereby france shall have its frontiers most magnifically enlarged, and the french assured of a long and well-grounded peace, that very little withholds me from the opinion of good heraclitus, which affirmeth war to be the father of all good things; and therefore do i believe that war is in latin called bellum, not by antiphrasis, as some patchers of old rusty latin would have us to think, because in war there is little beauty to be seen, but absolutely and simply; for that in war appeareth all that is good and graceful, and that by the wars is purged out all manner of wickedness and deformity. for proof whereof the wise and pacific solomon could no better represent the unspeakable perfection of the divine wisdom, than by comparing it to the due disposure and ranking of an army in battle array, well provided and ordered. therefore, by reason of my weakness and inability, being reputed by my compatriots unfit for the offensive part of warfare; and on the other side, being no way employed in matter of the defensive, although it had been but to carry burthens, fill ditches, or break clods, either whereof had been to me indifferent, i held it not a little disgraceful to be only an idle spectator of so many valorous, eloquent, and warlike persons, who in the view and sight of all europe act this notable interlude or tragi-comedy, and not make some effort towards the performance of this, nothing at all remains for me to be done ('and not exert myself, and contribute thereto this nothing, my all, which remained for me to do.'--ozell.). in my opinion, little honour is due to such as are mere lookers-on, liberal of their eyes, and of their crowns, and hide their silver; scratching their head with one finger like grumbling puppies, gaping at the flies like tithe calves; clapping down their ears like arcadian asses at the melody of musicians, who with their very countenances in the depth of silence express their consent to the prosopopoeia. having made this choice and election, it seemed to me that my exercise therein would be neither unprofitable nor troublesome to any, whilst i should thus set a-going my diogenical tub, which is all that is left me safe from the shipwreck of my former misfortunes. at this dingle dangle wagging of my tub, what would you have me to do? by the virgin that tucks up her sleeve, i know not as yet. stay a little, till i suck up a draught of this bottle; it is my true and only helicon; it is my caballine fountain; it is my sole enthusiasm. drinking thus, i meditate, discourse, resolve, and conclude. after that the epilogue is made, i laugh, i write, i compose, and drink again. ennius drinking wrote, and writing drank. aeschylus, if plutarch in his symposiacs merit any faith, drank composing, and drinking composed. homer never wrote fasting, and cato never wrote till after he had drunk. these passages i have brought before you to the end you may not say that i lived without the example of men well praised and better prized. it is good and fresh enough, even as if you would say it is entering upon the second degree. god, the good god sabaoth, that is to say, the god of armies, be praised for it eternally! if you after the same manner would take one great draught, or two little ones, whilst you have your gown about you, i truly find no kind of inconveniency in it, provided you send up to god for all some small scantling of thanks. since then my luck or destiny is such as you have heard--for it is not for everybody to go to corinth--i am fully resolved to be so little idle and unprofitable, that i will set myself to serve the one and the other sort of people. amongst the diggers, pioneers, and rampire-builders, i will do as did neptune and apollo at troy under laomedon, or as did renault of montauban in his latter days: i will serve the masons, i'll set on the pot to boil for the bricklayers; and, whilst the minced meat is making ready at the sound of my small pipe, i'll measure the muzzle of the musing dotards. thus did amphion with the melody of his harp found, build, and finish the great and renowned city of thebes. for the use of the warriors i am about to broach of new my barrel to give them a taste (which by two former volumes of mine, if by the deceitfulness and falsehood of printers they had not been jumbled, marred, and spoiled, you would have very well relished), and draw unto them, of the growth of our own trippery pastimes, a gallant third part of a gallon, and consequently a jolly cheerful quart of pantagruelic sentences, which you may lawfully call, if you please, diogenical: and shall have me, seeing i cannot be their fellow-soldier, for their faithful butler, refreshing and cheering, according to my little power, their return from the alarms of the enemy; as also for an indefatigable extoller of their martial exploits and glorious achievements. i shall not fail therein, par lapathium acutum de dieu; if mars fail not in lent, which the cunning lecher, i warrant you, will be loth to do. i remember nevertheless to have read, that ptolemy, the son of lagus, one day, amongst the many spoils and booties which by his victories he had acquired, presenting to the egyptians, in the open view of the people, a bactrian camel all black, and a party-coloured slave, in such sort as that the one half of his body was black and the other white, not in partition of breadth by the diaphragma, as was that woman consecrated to the indian venus whom the tyanean philosopher did see between the river hydaspes and mount caucasus, but in a perpendicular dimension of altitude; which were things never before that seen in egypt. he expected by the show of these novelties to win the love of the people. but what happened thereupon? at the production of the camel they were all affrighted, and offended at the sight of the party-coloured man--some scoffed at him as a detestable monster brought forth by the error of nature; in a word, of the hope which he had to please these egyptians, and by such means to increase the affection which they naturally bore him, he was altogether frustrate and disappointed; understanding fully by their deportments that they took more pleasure and delight in things that were proper, handsome, and perfect, than in misshapen, monstrous, and ridiculous creatures. since which time he had both the slave and the camel in such dislike, that very shortly thereafter, either through negligence, or for want of ordinary sustenance, they did exchange their life with death. this example putteth me in a suspense between hope and fear, misdoubting that, for the contentment which i aim at, i will but reap what shall be most distasteful to me: my cake will be dough, and for my venus i shall have but some deformed puppy: instead of serving them, i shall but vex them, and offend them whom i purpose to exhilarate; resembling in this dubious adventure euclion's cook, so renowned by plautus in his pot, and by ausonius in his griphon, and by divers others; which cook, for having by his scraping discovered a treasure, had his hide well curried. put the case i get no anger by it, though formerly such things fell out, and the like may occur again. yet, by hercules! it will not. so i perceive in them all one and the same specifical form, and the like individual properties, which our ancestors called pantagruelism; by virtue whereof they will bear with anything that floweth from a good, free, and loyal heart. i have seen them ordinarily take goodwill in part of payment, and remain satisfied therewith when one was not able to do better. having despatched this point, i return to my barrel. up, my lads, to this wine, spare it not! drink, boys, and trowl it off at full bowls! if you do not think it good, let it alone. i am not like those officious and importunate sots, who by force, outrage, and violence, constrain an easy good-natured fellow to whiffle, quaff, carouse, and what is worse. all honest tipplers, all honest gouty men, all such as are a-dry, coming to this little barrel of mine, need not drink thereof if it please them not; but if they have a mind to it, and that the wine prove agreeable to the tastes of their worshipful worships, let them drink, frankly, freely, and boldly, without paying anything, and welcome. this is my decree, my statute and ordinance. and let none fear there shall be any want of wine, as at the marriage of cana in galilee; for how much soever you shall draw forth at the faucet, so much shall i tun in at the bung. thus shall the barrel remain inexhaustible; it hath a lively spring and perpetual current. such was the beverage contained within the cup of tantalus, which was figuratively represented amongst the brachman sages. such was in iberia the mountain of salt so highly written of by cato. such was the branch of gold consecrated to the subterranean goddess, which virgil treats of so sublimely. it is a true cornucopia of merriment and raillery. if at any time it seem to you to be emptied to the very lees, yet shall it not for all that be drawn wholly dry. good hope remains there at the bottom, as in pandora's bottle; and not despair, as in the puncheon of the danaids. remark well what i have said, and what manner of people they be whom i do invite; for, to the end that none be deceived, i, in imitation of lucilius, who did protest that he wrote only to his own tarentines and consentines, have not pierced this vessel for any else but you honest men, who are drinkers of the first edition, and gouty blades of the highest degree. the great dorophages, bribe-mongers, have on their hands occupation enough, and enough on the hooks for their venison. there may they follow their prey; here is no garbage for them. you pettifoggers, garblers, and masters of chicanery, speak not to me, i beseech you, in the name of, and for the reverence you bear to the four hips that engendered you and to the quickening peg which at that time conjoined them. as for hypocrites, much less; although they were all of them unsound in body, pockified, scurvy, furnished with unquenchable thirst and insatiable eating. (and wherefore?) because indeed they are not of good but of evil, and of that evil from which we daily pray to god to deliver us. and albeit we see them sometimes counterfeit devotion, yet never did old ape make pretty moppet. hence, mastiffs; dogs in a doublet, get you behind; aloof, villains, out of my sunshine; curs, to the devil! do you jog hither, wagging your tails, to pant at my wine, and bepiss my barrel? look, here is the cudgel which diogenes, in his last will, ordained to be set by him after his death, for beating away, crushing the reins, and breaking the backs of these bustuary hobgoblins and cerberian hellhounds. pack you hence, therefore, you hypocrites, to your sheep-dogs; get you gone, you dissemblers, to the devil! hay! what, are you there yet? i renounce my part of papimanie, if i snatch you, grr, grrr, grrrrrr. avaunt, avaunt! will you not be gone? may you never shit till you be soundly lashed with stirrup leather, never piss but by the strapado, nor be otherwise warmed than by the bastinado. the third book. chapter 3.i. how pantagruel transported a colony of utopians into dipsody. pantagruel, having wholly subdued the land of dipsody, transported thereunto a colony of utopians, to the number of 9,876,543,210 men, besides the women and little children, artificers of all trades, and professors of all sciences, to people, cultivate, and improve that country, which otherwise was ill inhabited, and in the greatest part thereof but a mere desert and wilderness; and did transport them (not) so much for the excessive multitude of men and women, which were in utopia multiplied, for number, like grasshoppers upon the face of the land. you understand well enough, nor is it needful further to explain it to you, that the utopian men had so rank and fruitful genitories, and that the utopian women carried matrixes so ample, so gluttonous, so tenaciously retentive, and so architectonically cellulated, that at the end of every ninth month seven children at the least, what male what female, were brought forth by every married woman, in imitation of the people of israel in egypt, if anthony (nicholas) de lyra be to be trusted. nor yet was this transplantation made so much for the fertility of the soil, the wholesomeness of the air, or commodity of the country of dipsody, as to retain that rebellious people within the bounds of their duty and obedience, by this new transport of his ancient and most faithful subjects, who, from all time out of mind, never knew, acknowledged, owned, or served any other sovereign lord but him; and who likewise, from the very instant of their birth, as soon as they were entered into this world, had, with the milk of their mothers and nurses, sucked in the sweetness, humanity, and mildness of his government, to which they were all of them so nourished and habituated, that there was nothing surer than that they would sooner abandon their lives than swerve from this singular and primitive obedience naturally due to their prince, whithersoever they should be dispersed or removed. and not only should they, and their children successively descending from their blood, be such, but also would keep and maintain in this same fealty and obsequious observance all the nations lately annexed to his empire; which so truly came to pass that therein he was not disappointed of his intent. for if the utopians were before their transplantation thither dutiful and faithful subjects, the dipsodes, after some few days conversing with them, were every whit as, if not more, loyal than they; and that by virtue of i know not what natural fervency incident to all human creatures at the beginning of any labour wherein they take delight: solemnly attesting the heavens and supreme intelligences of their being only sorry that no sooner unto their knowledge had arrived the great renown of the good pantagruel. remark therefore here, honest drinkers, that the manner of preserving and retaining countries newly conquered in obedience is not, as hath been the erroneous opinion of some tyrannical spirits to their own detriment and dishonour, to pillage, plunder, force, spoil, trouble, oppress, vex, disquiet, ruin and destroy the people, ruling, governing and keeping them in awe with rods of iron; and, in a word, eating and devouring them, after the fashion that homer calls an unjust and wicked king, demoboron, that is to say, a devourer of his people. i will not bring you to this purpose the testimony of ancient writers. it shall suffice to put you in mind of what your fathers have seen thereof, and yourselves too, if you be not very babes. newborn, they must be given suck to, rocked in a cradle, and dandled. trees newly planted must be supported, underpropped, strengthened and defended against all tempests, mischiefs, injuries, and calamities. and one lately saved from a long and dangerous sickness, and new upon his recovery, must be forborn, spared, and cherished, in such sort that they may harbour in their own breasts this opinion, that there is not in the world a king or a prince who does not desire fewer enemies and more friends. thus osiris, the great king of the egyptians, conquered almost the whole earth, not so much by force of arms as by easing the people of their troubles, teaching them how to live well, and honestly giving them good laws, and using them with all possible affability, courtesy, gentleness, and liberality. therefore was he by all men deservedly entitled the great king euergetes, that is to say, benefactor, which style he obtained by virtue of the command of jupiter to (one) pamyla. and in effect, hesiod, in his hierarchy, placed the good demons (call them angels if you will, or geniuses,) as intercessors and mediators betwixt the gods and men, they being of a degree inferior to the gods, but superior to men. and for that through their hands the riches and benefits we get from heaven are dealt to us, and that they are continually doing us good and still protecting us from evil, he saith that they exercise the offices of kings; because to do always good, and never ill, is an act most singularly royal. just such another was the emperor of the universe, alexander the macedonian. after this manner was hercules sovereign possessor of the whole continent, relieving men from monstrous oppressions, exactions, and tyrannies; governing them with discretion, maintaining them in equity and justice, instructing them with seasonable policies and wholesome laws, convenient for and suitable to the soil, climate, and disposition of the country, supplying what was wanting, abating what was superfluous, and pardoning all that was past, with a sempiternal forgetfulness of all preceding offences, as was the amnesty of the athenians, when by the prowess, valour, and industry of thrasybulus the tyrants were exterminated; afterwards at rome by cicero exposed, and renewed under the emperor aurelian. these are the philtres, allurements, iynges, inveiglements, baits, and enticements of love, by the means whereof that may be peaceably revived which was painfully acquired. nor can a conqueror reign more happily, whether he be a monarch, emperor, king, prince, or philosopher, than by making his justice to second his valour. his valour shows itself in victory and conquest; his justice will appear in the goodwill and affection of the people, when he maketh laws, publisheth ordinances, establisheth religion, and doth what is right to everyone, as the noble poet virgil writes of octavian augustus: victorque volentes per populos dat jura. therefore is it that homer in his iliads calleth a good prince and great king kosmetora laon, that is, the ornament of the people. such was the consideration of numa pompilius, the second king of the romans, a just politician and wise philosopher, when he ordained that to god terminus, on the day of his festival called terminales, nothing should be sacrificed that had died; teaching us thereby that the bounds, limits, and frontiers of kingdoms should be guarded, and preserved in peace, amity, and meekness, without polluting our hands with blood and robbery. who doth otherwise, shall not only lose what he hath gained, but also be loaded with this scandal and reproach, that he is an unjust and wicked purchaser, and his acquests perish with him; juxta illud, male parta, male dilabuntur. and although during his whole lifetime he should have peaceable possession thereof, yet if what hath been so acquired moulder away in the hands of his heirs, the same opprobry, scandal, and imputation will be charged upon the defunct, and his memory remain accursed for his unjust and unwarrantable conquest; juxta illud, de male quaesitis vix gaudet tertius haeres. remark, likewise, gentlemen, you gouty feoffees, in this main point worthy of your observation, how by these means pantagruel of one angel made two, which was a contingency opposite to the counsel of charlemagne, who made two devils of one when he transplanted the saxons into flanders and the flemings into saxony. for, not being able to keep in such subjection the saxons, whose dominion he had joined to the empire, but that ever and anon they would break forth into open rebellion if he should casually be drawn into spain or other remote kingdoms, he caused them to be brought unto his own country of flanders, the inhabitants whereof did naturally obey him, and transported the hainaults and flemings, his ancient loving subjects, into saxony, not mistrusting their loyalty now that they were transplanted into a strange land. but it happened that the saxons persisted in their rebellion and primitive obstinacy, and the flemings dwelling in saxony did imbibe the stubborn manners and conditions of the saxons. chapter 3.ii. how panurge was made laird of salmigondin in dipsody, and did waste his revenue before it came in. whilst pantagruel was giving order for the government of all dipsody, he assigned to panurge the lairdship of salmigondin, which was yearly worth 6,789,106,789 reals of certain rent, besides the uncertain revenue of the locusts and periwinkles, amounting, one year with another, to the value of 435,768, or 2,435,769 french crowns of berry. sometimes it did amount to 1,230,554,321 seraphs, when it was a good year, and that locusts and periwinkles were in request; but that was not every year. now his worship, the new laird, husbanded this his estate so providently well and prudently, that in less than fourteen days he wasted and dilapidated all the certain and uncertain revenue of his lairdship for three whole years. yet did not he properly dilapidate it, as you might say, in founding of monasteries, building of churches, erecting of colleges, and setting up of hospitals, or casting his bacon-flitches to the dogs; but spent it in a thousand little banquets and jolly collations, keeping open house for all comers and goers; yea, to all good fellows, young girls, and pretty wenches; felling timber, burning great logs for the sale of the ashes, borrowing money beforehand, buying dear, selling cheap, and eating his corn, as it were, whilst it was but grass. pantagruel, being advertised of this his lavishness, was in good sooth no way offended at the matter, angry nor sorry; for i once told you, and again tell it you, that he was the best, little, great goodman that ever girded a sword to his side. he took all things in good part, and interpreted every action to the best sense. he never vexed nor disquieted himself with the least pretence of dislike to anything, because he knew that he must have most grossly abandoned the divine mansion of reason if he had permitted his mind to be never so little grieved, afflicted, or altered at any occasion whatsoever. for all the goods that the heaven covereth, and that the earth containeth, in all their dimensions of height, depth, breadth, and length, are not of so much worth as that we should for them disturb or disorder our affections, trouble or perplex our senses or spirits. he drew only panurge aside, and then, making to him a sweet remonstrance and mild admonition, very gently represented before him in strong arguments, that, if he should continue in such an unthrifty course of living, and not become a better mesnagier, it would prove altogether impossible for him, or at least hugely difficult, at any time to make him rich. rich! answered panurge; have you fixed your thoughts there? have you undertaken the task to enrich me in this world? set your mind to live merrily, in the name of god and good folks; let no other cark nor care be harboured within the sacrosanctified domicile of your celestial brain. may the calmness and tranquillity thereof be never incommodated with, or overshadowed by any frowning clouds of sullen imaginations and displeasing annoyance! for if you live joyful, merry, jocund, and glad, i cannot be but rich enough. everybody cries up thrift, thrift, and good husbandry. but many speak of robin hood that never shot in his bow, and talk of that virtue of mesnagery who know not what belongs to it. it is by me that they must be advised. from me, therefore, take this advertisement and information, that what is imputed to me for a vice hath been done in imitation of the university and parliament of paris, places in which is to be found the true spring and source of the lively idea of pantheology and all manner of justice. let him be counted a heretic that doubteth thereof, and doth not firmly believe it. yet they in one day eat up their bishop, or the revenue of the bishopric--is it not all one?--for a whole year, yea, sometimes for two. this is done on the day he makes his entry, and is installed. nor is there any place for an excuse; for he cannot avoid it, unless he would be hooted at and stoned for his parsimony. it hath been also esteemed an act flowing from the habit of the four cardinal virtues. of prudence in borrowing money beforehand; for none knows what may fall out. who is able to tell if the world shall last yet three years? but although it should continue longer, is there any man so foolish as to have the confidence to promise himself three years? what fool so confident to say, that he shall live one other day? of commutative justice, in buying dear, i say, upon trust, and selling goods cheap, that is, for ready money. what says cato in his book of husbandry to this purpose? the father of a family, says he, must be a perpetual seller; by which means it is impossible but that at last he shall become rich, if he have of vendible ware enough still ready for sale. of distributive justice it doth partake, in giving entertainment to good --remark, good--and gentle fellows, whom fortune had shipwrecked, like ulysses, upon the rock of a hungry stomach without provision of sustenance; and likewise to the good--remark, the good--and young wenches. for, according to the sentence of hippocrates, youth is impatient of hunger, chiefly if it be vigorous, lively, frolic, brisk, stirring, and bouncing. which wanton lasses willingly and heartily devote themselves to the pleasure of honest men; and are in so far both platonic and ciceronian, that they do acknowledge their being born into this world not to be for themselves alone, but that in their proper persons their acquaintance may claim one share, and their friends another. the virtue of fortitude appears therein by the cutting down and overthrowing of the great trees, like a second milo making havoc of the dark forest, which did serve only to furnish dens, caves, and shelter to wolves, wild boars, and foxes, and afford receptacles, withdrawing corners, and refuges to robbers, thieves, and murderers, lurking holes and skulking places for cutthroat assassinators, secret obscure shops for coiners of false money, and safe retreats for heretics, laying them even and level with the plain champaign fields and pleasant heathy ground, at the sound of the hautboys and bagpipes playing reeks with the high and stately timber, and preparing seats and benches for the eve of the dreadful day of judgment. i gave thereby proof of my temperance in eating my corn whilst it was but grass, like a hermit feeding upon salads and roots, that, so affranchising myself from the yoke of sensual appetites to the utter disclaiming of their sovereignty, i might the better reserve somewhat in store for the relief of the lame, blind, crippled, maimed, needy, poor, and wanting wretches. in taking this course i save the expense of the weed-grubbers, who gain money,--of the reapers in harvest-time, who drink lustily, and without water,--of gleaners, who will expect their cakes and bannocks,--of threshers, who leave no garlic, scallions, leeks, nor onions in our gardens, by the authority of thestilis in virgil,--and of the millers, who are generally thieves,--and of the bakers, who are little better. is this small saving or frugality? besides the mischief and damage of the field-mice, the decay of barns, and the destruction usually made by weasels and other vermin. of corn in the blade you may make good green sauce of a light concoction and easy digestion, which recreates the brain and exhilarates the animal spirits, rejoiceth the sight, openeth the appetite, delighteth the taste, comforteth the heart, tickleth the tongue, cheereth the countenance, striking a fresh and lively colour, strengthening the muscles, tempers the blood, disburdens the midriff, refresheth the liver, disobstructs the spleen, easeth the kidneys, suppleth the reins, quickens the joints of the back, cleanseth the urine-conduits, dilates the spermatic vessels, shortens the cremasters, purgeth the bladder, puffeth up the genitories, correcteth the prepuce, hardens the nut, and rectifies the member. it will make you have a current belly to trot, fart, dung, piss, sneeze, cough, spit, belch, spew, yawn, snuff, blow, breathe, snort, sweat, and set taut your robin, with a thousand other rare advantages. i understand you very well, says pantagruel; you would thereby infer that those of a mean spirit and shallow capacity have not the skill to spend much in a short time. you are not the first in whose conceit that heresy hath entered. nero maintained it, and above all mortals admired most his uncle caius caligula, for having in a few days, by a most wonderfully pregnant invention, totally spent all the goods and patrimony which tiberius had left him. but, instead of observing the sumptuous supper-curbing laws of the romans --to wit, the orchia, the fannia, the didia, the licinia, the cornelia, the lepidiana, the antia, and of the corinthians--by the which they were inhibited, under pain of great punishment, not to spend more in one year than their annual revenue did amount to, you have offered up the oblation of protervia, which was with the romans such a sacrifice as the paschal lamb was amongst the jews, wherein all that was eatable was to be eaten, and the remainder to be thrown into the fire, without reserving anything for the next day. i may very justly say of you, as cato did of albidius, who after that he had by a most extravagant expense wasted all the means and possessions he had to one only house, he fairly set it on fire, that he might the better say, consummatum est. even just as since his time st. thomas aquinas did, when he had eaten up the whole lamprey, although there was no necessity in it. chapter 3.iii. how panurge praiseth the debtors and borrowers. but, quoth pantagruel, when will you be out of debt? at the next ensuing term of the greek kalends, answered panurge, when all the world shall be content, and that it be your fate to become your own heir. the lord forbid that i should be out of debt, as if, indeed, i could not be trusted. who leaves not some leaven over night, will hardly have paste the next morning. be still indebted to somebody or other, that there may be somebody always to pray for you, that the giver of all good things may grant unto you a blessed, long, and prosperous life; fearing, if fortune should deal crossly with you, that it might be his chance to come short of being paid by you, he will always speak good of you in every company, ever and anon purchase new creditors unto you; to the end, that through their means you may make a shift by borrowing from peter to pay paul, and with other folk's earth fill up his ditch. when of old, in the region of the gauls, by the institution of the druids, the servants, slaves, and bondmen were burnt quick at the funerals and obsequies of their lords and masters, had not they fear enough, think you, that their lords and masters should die? for, perforce, they were to die with them for company. did not they incessantly send up their supplications to their great god mercury, as likewise unto dis, the father of wealth, to lengthen out their days, and to preserve them long in health? were not they very careful to entertain them well, punctually to look unto them, and to attend them faithfully and circumspectly? for by those means were they to live together at least until the hour of death. believe me, your creditors with a more fervent devotion will beseech almighty god to prolong your life, they being of nothing more afraid than that you should die; for that they are more concerned for the sleeve than the arm, and love silver better than their own lives. as it evidently appeareth by the usurers of landerousse, who not long since hanged themselves because the price of the corn and wines was fallen by the return of a gracious season. to this pantagruel answering nothing, panurge went on in his discourse, saying, truly and in good sooth, sir, when i ponder my destiny aright, and think well upon it, you put me shrewdly to my plunges, and have me at a bay in twitting me with the reproach of my debts and creditors. and yet did i, in this only respect and consideration of being a debtor, esteem myself worshipful, reverend, and formidable. for against the opinion of most philosophers, that of nothing ariseth nothing, yet, without having bottomed on so much as that which is called the first matter, did i out of nothing become such (a) maker and creator, that i have created--what?--a gay number of fair and jolly creditors. nay, creditors, i will maintain it, even to the very fire itself exclusively, are fair and goodly creatures. who lendeth nothing is an ugly and wicked creature, and an accursed imp of the infernal old nick. and there is made--what? debts. a thing most precious and dainty, of great use and antiquity. debts, i say, surmounting the number of syllables which may result from the combinations of all the consonants, with each of the vowels heretofore projected, reckoned, and calculated by the noble xenocrates. to judge of the perfection of debtors by the numerosity of their creditors is the readiest way for entering into the mysteries of practical arithmetic. you can hardly imagine how glad i am, when every morning i perceive myself environed and surrounded with brigades of creditors--humble, fawning, and full of their reverences. and whilst i remark that, as i look more favourably upon and give a cheerfuller countenance to one than to another, the fellow thereupon buildeth a conceit that he shall be the first despatched and the foremost in the date of payment, and he valueth my smiles at the rate of ready money, it seemeth unto me that i then act and personate the god of the passion of saumure, accompanied with his angels and cherubims. these are my flatterers, my soothers, my clawbacks, my smoothers, my parasites, my saluters, my givers of good-morrows, and perpetual orators; which makes me verily think that the supremest height of heroic virtue described by hesiod consisteth in being a debtor, wherein i held the first degree in my commencement. which dignity, though all human creatures seem to aim at and aspire thereto, few nevertheless, because of the difficulties in the way and encumbrances of hard passages, are able to reach it, as is easily perceivable by the ardent desire and vehement longing harboured in the breast of everyone to be still creating more debts and new creditors. yet doth it not lie in the power of everyone to be a debtor. to acquire creditors is not at the disposure of each man's arbitrament. you nevertheless would deprive me of this sublime felicity. you ask me when i will be out of debt. well, to go yet further on, and possibly worse in your conceit, may saint bablin, the good saint, snatch me, if i have not all my lifetime held debt to be as a union or conjunction of the heavens with the earth, and the whole cement whereby the race of mankind is kept together; yea, of such virtue and efficacy that, i say, the whole progeny of adam would very suddenly perish without it. therefore, perhaps, i do not think amiss, when i repute it to be the great soul of the universe, which, according to the opinion of the academics, vivifieth all manner of things. in confirmation whereof, that you may the better believe it to be so, represent unto yourself, without any prejudicacy of spirit, in a clear and serene fancy, the idea and form of some other world than this; take, if you please, and lay hold on the thirtieth of those which the philosopher metrodorus did enumerate, wherein it is to be supposed there is no debtor or creditor, that is to say, a world without debts. there amongst the planets will be no regular course, all will be in disorder. jupiter, reckoning himself to be nothing indebted unto saturn, will go near to detrude him out of his sphere, and with the homeric chain will be like to hang up the intelligences, gods, heavens, demons, heroes, devils, earth and sea, together with the other elements. saturn, no doubt, combining with mars will reduce that so disturbed world into a chaos of confusion. mercury then would be no more subjected to the other planets; he would scorn to be any longer their camillus, as he was of old termed in the etrurian tongue. for it is to be imagined that he is no way a debtor to them. venus will be no more venerable, because she shall have lent nothing. the moon will remain bloody and obscure. for to what end should the sun impart unto her any of his light? he owed her nothing. nor yet will the sun shine upon the earth, nor the stars send down any good influence, because the terrestrial globe hath desisted from sending up their wonted nourishment by vapours and exhalations, wherewith heraclitus said, the stoics proved, cicero maintained, they were cherished and alimented. there would likewise be in such a world no manner of symbolization, alteration, nor transmutation amongst the elements; for the one will not esteem itself obliged to the other, as having borrowed nothing at all from it. earth then will not become water, water will not be changed into air, of air will be made no fire, and fire will afford no heat unto the earth; the earth will produce nothing but monsters, titans, giants; no rain will descend upon it, nor light shine thereon; no wind will blow there, nor will there be in it any summer or harvest. lucifer will break loose, and issuing forth of the depth of hell, accompanied with his furies, fiends, and horned devils, will go about to unnestle and drive out of heaven all the gods, as well of the greater as of the lesser nations. such a world without lending will be no better than a dog-kennel, a place of contention and wrangling, more unruly and irregular than that of the rector of paris; a devil of an hurlyburly, and more disordered confusion than that of the plagues of douay. men will not then salute one another; it will be but lost labour to expect aid or succour from any, or to cry fire, water, murder, for none will put to their helping hand. why? he lent no money, there is nothing due to him. nobody is concerned in his burning, in his shipwreck, in his ruin, or in his death; and that because he hitherto had lent nothing, and would never thereafter have lent anything. in short, faith, hope, and charity would be quite banished from such a world--for men are born to relieve and assist one another; and in their stead should succeed and be introduced defiance, disdain, and rancour, with the most execrable troop of all evils, all imprecations, and all miseries. whereupon you will think, and that not amiss, that pandora had there spilt her unlucky bottle. men unto men will be wolves, hobthrushers, and goblins (as were lycaon, bellerophon, nebuchodonosor), plunderers, highway robbers, cutthroats, rapparees, murderers, poisoners, assassinators, lewd, wicked, malevolent, pernicious haters, set against everybody, like to ishmael, metabus, or timon the athenian, who for that cause was named misanthropos, in such sort that it would prove much more easy in nature to have fish entertained in the air and bullocks fed in the bottom of the ocean, than to support or tolerate a rascally rabble of people that will not lend. these fellows, i vow, do i hate with a perfect hatred; and if, conform to the pattern of this grievous, peevish, and perverse world which lendeth nothing, you figure and liken the little world, which is man, you will find in him a terrible justling coil and clutter. the head will not lend the sight of his eyes to guide the feet and hands; the legs will refuse to bear up the body; the hands will leave off working any more for the rest of the members; the heart will be weary of its continual motion for the beating of the pulse, and will no longer lend his assistance; the lungs will withdraw the use of their bellows; the liver will desist from convoying any more blood through the veins for the good of the whole; the bladder will not be indebted to the kidneys, so that the urine thereby will be totally stopped. the brains, in the interim, considering this unnatural course, will fall into a raving dotage, and withhold all feeling from the sinews and motion from the muscles. briefly, in such a world without order and array, owing nothing, lending nothing, and borrowing nothing, you would see a more dangerous conspiration than that which aesop exposed in his apologue. such a world will perish undoubtedly; and not only perish, but perish very quickly. were it aesculapius himself, his body would immediately rot, and the chafing soul, full of indignation, take its flight to all the devils of hell after my money. chapter 3.iv. panurge continueth his discourse in the praise of borrowers and lenders. on the contrary, be pleased to represent unto your fancy another world, wherein everyone lendeth and everyone oweth, all are debtors and all creditors. o how great will that harmony be, which shall thereby result from the regular motions of the heavens! methinks i hear it every whit as well as ever plato did. what sympathy will there be amongst the elements! o how delectable then unto nature will be our own works and productions! whilst ceres appeareth laden with corn, bacchus with wines, flora with flowers, pomona with fruits, and juno fair in a clear air, wholesome and pleasant. i lose myself in this high contemplation. then will among the race of mankind peace, love, benevolence, fidelity, tranquillity, rest, banquets, feastings, joy, gladness, gold, silver, single money, chains, rings, with other ware and chaffer of that nature be found to trot from hand to hand. no suits at law, no wars, no strife, debate, nor wrangling; none will be there a usurer, none will be there a pinch-penny, a scrape-good wretch, or churlish hard-hearted refuser. good god! will not this be the golden age in the reign of saturn? the true idea of the olympic regions, wherein all (other) virtues cease, charity alone ruleth, governeth, domineereth, and triumpheth? all will be fair and goodly people there, all just and virtuous. o happy world! o people of that world most happy! yea, thrice and four times blessed is that people! i think in very deed that i am amongst them, and swear to you, by my good forsooth, that if this glorious aforesaid world had a pope, abounding with cardinals, that so he might have the association of a sacred college, in the space of very few years you should be sure to see the saints much thicker in the roll, more numerous, wonder-working and mirific, more services, more vows, more staves and wax-candles than are all those in the nine bishoprics of britany, st. yves only excepted. consider, sir, i pray you, how the noble patelin, having a mind to deify and extol even to the third heavens the father of william josseaulme, said no more but this, and he did lend his goods to those who were desirous of them. o the fine saying! now let our microcosm be fancied conform to this model in all its members; lending, borrowing, and owing, that is to say, according to its own nature. for nature hath not to any other end created man, but to owe, borrow, and lend; no greater is the harmony amongst the heavenly spheres than that which shall be found in its well-ordered policy. the intention of the founder of this microcosm is, to have a soul therein to be entertained, which is lodged there, as a guest with its host, (that) it may live there for a while. life consisteth in blood, blood is the seat of the soul; therefore the chiefest work of the microcosm is, to be making blood continually. at this forge are exercised all the members of the body; none is exempted from labour, each operates apart, and doth its proper office. and such is their heirarchy, that perpetually the one borrows from the other, the one lends the other, and the one is the other's debtor. the stuff and matter convenient, which nature giveth to be turned into blood, is bread and wine. all kind of nourishing victuals is understood to be comprehended in these two, and from hence in the gothish tongue is called companage. to find out this meat and drink, to prepare and boil it, the hands are put to work, the feet do walk and bear up the whole bulk of the corporal mass; the eyes guide and conduct all; the appetite in the orifice of the stomach, by means of (a) little sourish black humour, called melancholy, which is transmitted thereto from the milt, giveth warning to shut in the food. the tongue doth make the first essay, and tastes it; the teeth do chew it, and the stomach doth receive, digest, and chylify it. the mesaraic veins suck out of it what is good and fit, leaving behind the excrements, which are, through special conduits for that purpose, voided by an expulsive faculty. thereafter it is carried to the liver, where it being changed again, it by the virtue of that new transmutation becomes blood. what joy, conjecture you, will then be found amongst those officers when they see this rivulet of gold, which is their sole restorative? no greater is the joy of alchemists, when after long travail, toil, and expense they see in their furnaces the transmutation. then is it that every member doth prepare itself, and strive anew to purify and to refine this treasure. the kidneys through the emulgent veins draw that aquosity from thence which you call urine, and there send it away through the ureters to be slipped downwards; where, in a lower receptacle, and proper for it, to wit, the bladder, it is kept, and stayeth there until an opportunity to void it out in his due time. the spleen draweth from the blood its terrestrial part, viz., the grounds, lees, or thick substance settled in the bottom thereof, which you term melancholy. the bottle of the gall subtracts from thence all the superfluous choler; whence it is brought to another shop or work-house to be yet better purified and fined, that is, the heart, which by its agitation of diastolic and systolic motions so neatly subtilizeth and inflames it, that in the right side ventricle it is brought to perfection, and through the veins is sent to all the members. each parcel of the body draws it then unto itself, and after its own fashion is cherished and alimented by it. feet, hands, thighs, arms, eyes, ears, back, breast, yea, all; and then it is, that who before were lenders, now become debtors. the heart doth in its left side ventricle so thinnify the blood, that it thereby obtains the name of spiritual; which being sent through the arteries to all the members of the body, serveth to warm and winnow the other blood which runneth through the veins. the lights never cease with its lappets and bellows to cool and refresh it, in acknowledgment of which good the heart, through the arterial vein, imparts unto it the choicest of its blood. at last it is made so fine and subtle within the rete mirabile, that thereafter those animal spirits are framed and composed of it, by means whereof the imagination, discourse, judgment, resolution, deliberation, ratiocination, and memory have their rise, actings, and operations. cops body, i sink, i drown, i perish, i wander astray, and quite fly out of myself when i enter into the consideration of the profound abyss of this world, thus lending, thus owing. believe me, it is a divine thing to lend,--to owe, an heroic virtue. yet is not this all. this little world thus lending, owing, and borrowing, is so good and charitable, that no sooner is the above-specified alimentation finished, but that it forthwith projecteth, and hath already forecast, how it shall lend to those who are not as yet born, and by that loan endeavour what it may to eternize itself, and multiply in images like the pattern, that is, children. to this end every member doth of the choicest and most precious of its nourishment pare and cut off a portion, then instantly despatcheth it downwards to that place where nature hath prepared for it very fit vessels and receptacles, through which descending to the genitories by long ambages, circuits, and flexuosities, it receiveth a competent form, and rooms apt enough both in man and woman for the future conservation and perpetuating of human kind. all this is done by loans and debts of the one unto the other; and hence have we this word, the debt of marriage. nature doth reckon pain to the refuser, with a most grievous vexation to his members and an outrageous fury amidst his senses. but, on the other part, to the lender a set reward, accompanied with pleasure, joy, solace, mirth, and merry glee. chapter 3.v. how pantagruel altogether abhorreth the debtors and borrowers. i understand you very well, quoth pantagruel, and take you to be very good at topics, and thoroughly affectioned to your own cause. but preach it up, and patrocinate it, prattle on it, and defend it as much as you will, even from hence to the next whitsuntide, if you please so to do, yet in the end you will be astonished to find how you shall have gained no ground at all upon me, nor persuaded me by your fair speeches and smooth talk to enter never so little into the thraldom of debt. you shall owe to none, saith the holy apostle, anything save love, friendship, and a mutual benevolence. you serve me here, i confess, with fine graphides and diatyposes, descriptions and figures, which truly please me very well. but let me tell you, if you will represent unto your fancy an impudent blustering bully and an importunate borrower, entering afresh and newly into a town already advertised of his manners, you shall find that at his ingress the citizens will be more hideously affrighted and amazed, and in a greater terror and fear, dread, and trembling, than if the pest itself should step into it in the very same garb and accoutrement wherein the tyanean philosopher found it within the city of ephesus. and i am fully confirmed in the opinion, that the persians erred not when they said that the second vice was to lie, the first being that of owing money. for, in very truth, debts and lying are ordinarily joined together. i will nevertheless not from hence infer that none must owe anything or lend anything. for who so rich can be that sometimes may not owe, or who can be so poor that sometimes may not lend? let the occasion, notwithstanding, in that case, as plato very wisely sayeth and ordaineth in his laws, be such that none be permitted to draw any water out of his neighbour's well until first they by continual digging and delving into their own proper ground shall have hit upon a kind of potter's earth, which is called ceramite, and there had found no source or drop of water; for that sort of earth, by reason of its substance, which is fat, strong, firm, and close, so retaineth its humidity, that it doth not easily evaporate it by any outward excursion or evaporation. in good sooth, it is a great shame to choose rather to be still borrowing in all places from everyone, than to work and win. then only in my judgment should one lend, when the diligent, toiling, and industrious person is no longer able by his labour to make any purchase unto himself, or otherwise, when by mischance he hath suddenly fallen into an unexpected loss of his goods. howsoever, let us leave this discourse, and from henceforwards do not hang upon creditors, nor tie yourself to them. i make account for the time past to rid you freely of them, and from their bondage to deliver you. the least i should in this point, quoth panurge, is to thank you, though it be the most i can do. and if gratitude and thanksgiving be to be estimated and prized by the affection of the benefactor, that is to be done infinitely and sempiternally; for the love which you bear me of your own accord and free grace, without any merit of mine, goeth far beyond the reach of any price or value. it transcends all weight, all number, all measure; it is endless and everlasting; therefore, should i offer to commensurate and adjust it, either to the size and proportion of your own noble and gracious deeds, or yet to the contentment and delight of the obliged receivers, i would come off but very faintly and flaggingly. you have verily done me a great deal of good, and multiplied your favours on me more frequently than was fitting to one of my condition. you have been more bountiful towards me than i have deserved, and your courtesies have by far surpassed the extent of my merits, i must needs confess it. but it is not, as you suppose, in the proposed matter. for there it is not where i itch, it is not there where it fretteth, hurts, or vexeth me; for, henceforth being quit and out of debt, what countenance will i be able to keep? you may imagine that it will become me very ill for the first month, because i have never hitherto been brought up or accustomed to it. i am very much afraid of it. furthermore, there shall not one hereafter, native of the country of salmigondy, but he shall level the shot towards my nose. all the back-cracking fellows of the world, in discharging of their postern petarades, use commonly to say, voila pour les quittes, that is, for the quit. my life will be of very short continuance, i do foresee it. i recommend to you the making of my epitaph; for i perceive i will die confected in the very stench of farts. if, at any time to come, by way of restorative to such good women as shall happen to be troubled with the grievous pain of the wind-colic, the ordinary medicaments prove nothing effectual, the mummy of all my befarted body will straight be as a present remedy appointed by the physicians; whereof they, taking any small modicum, it will incontinently for their ease afford them a rattle of bumshot, like a sal of muskets. therefore would i beseech you to leave me some few centuries of debts; as king louis the eleventh, exempting from suits in law the reverend miles d'illiers, bishop of chartres, was by the said bishop most earnestly solicited to leave him some few for the exercise of his mind. i had rather give them all my revenue of the periwinkles, together with the other incomes of the locusts, albeit i should not thereby have any parcel abated from off the principal sums which i owe. let us waive this matter, quoth pantagruel, i have told it you over again. chapter 3.vi. why new married men were privileged from going to the wars. but, in the interim, asked panurge, by what law was it constituted, ordained, and established, that such as should plant a new vineyard, those that should build a new house, and the new married men, should be exempted and discharged from the duty of warfare for the first year? by the law, answered pantagruel, of moses. why, replied panurge, the lately married? as for the vine-planters, i am now too old to reflect on them; my condition, at this present, induceth me to remain satisfied with the care of vintage, finishing and turning the grapes into wine. nor are these pretty new builders of dead stones written or pricked down in my book of life. it is all with live stones that i set up and erect the fabrics of my architecture, to wit, men. it was, according to my opinion, quoth pantagruel, to the end, first, that the fresh married folks should for the first year reap a full and complete fruition of their pleasures in their mutual exercise of the act of love, in such sort, that in waiting more at leisure on the production of posterity and propagating of their progeny, they might the better increase their race and make provision of new heirs. that if, in the years thereafter, the men should, upon their undergoing of some military adventure, happen to be killed, their names and coats-of-arms might continue with their children in the same families. and next, that, the wives thereby coming to know whether they were barren or fruitful--for one year's trial, in regard of the maturity of age wherein of old they married, was held sufficient for the discovery--they might pitch the more suitably, in case of their first husband's decease, upon a second match. the fertile women to be wedded to those who desire to multiply their issue; and the sterile ones to such other mates, as, misregarding the storing of their own lineage, choose them only for their virtues, learning, genteel behaviour, domestic consolation, management of the house, and matrimonial conveniences and comforts, and such like. the preachers of varennes, saith panurge, detest and abhor the second marriages, as altogether foolish and dishonest. foolish and dishonest? quoth pantagruel. a plague take such preachers! yea but, quoth panurge, the like mischief also befall the friar charmer, who, in a full auditory making a sermon at pereilly, and therein abominating the reiteration of marriage and the entering again in the bonds of a nuptial tie, did swear and heartily give himself to the swiftest devil in hell, if he had not rather choose, and would much more willingly undertake the unmaidening or depucelating of a hundred virgins, than the simple drudgery of one widow. truly i find your reason in that point right good and strongly grounded. but what would you think, if the cause why this exemption or immunity was granted had no other foundation but that, during the whole space of the said first year, they so lustily bobbed it with their female consorts, as both reason and equity require they should do, that they had drained and evacuated their spermatic vessels; and were become thereby altogether feeble, weak, emasculated, drooping, and flaggingly pithless; yea, in such sort that they in the day of battle, like ducks which plunge over head and ears, would sooner hide themselves behind the baggage, than, in the company of valiant fighters and daring military combatants, appear where stern bellona deals her blows and moves a bustling noise of thwacks and thumps? nor is it to be thought that, under the standard of mars, they will so much as once strike a fair stroke, because their most considerable knocks have been already jerked and whirrited within the curtains of his sweetheart venus. in confirmation whereof, amongst other relics and monuments of antiquity, we now as yet often see, that in all great houses, after the expiring of some few days, these young married blades are readily sent away to visit their uncles, that in the absence of their wives reposing themselves a little they may recover their decayed strength by the recruit of a fresh supply, the more vigorous to return again and face about to renew the duelling shock and conflict of an amorous dalliance, albeit for the greater part they have neither uncle nor aunt to go to. just so did the king crackart, after the battle of the cornets, not cashier us (speaking properly), i mean me and the quail-caller, but for our refreshment remanded us to our houses; and he is as yet seeking after his own. my grandfather's godmother was wont to say to me when i was a boy,- patenostres et oraisons sont pour ceux-la, qui les retiennent. ung fiffre en fenaisons est plus fort que deux qui en viennent. not orisons nor patenotres shall ever disorder my brain. one cadet, to the field as he flutters, is worth two, when they end the campaign. that which prompteth me to that opinion is, that the vine-planters did seldom eat of the grapes, or drink of the wine of their labour, till the first year was wholly elapsed. during all which time also the builders did hardly inhabit their new-structured dwelling-places, for fear of dying suffocated through want of respiration; as galen hath most learnedly remarked, in the second book of the difficulty of breathing. under favour, sir, i have not asked this question without cause causing and reason truly very ratiocinant. be not offended, i pray you. chapter 3.vii. how panurge had a flea in his ear, and forbore to wear any longer his magnificent codpiece. panurge, the day thereafter, caused pierce his right ear after the jewish fashion, and thereto clasped a little gold ring, of a ferny-like kind of workmanship, in the beazil or collet whereof was set and enchased a flea; and, to the end you may be rid of all doubts, you are to know that the flea was black. o, what a brave thing it is, in every case and circumstance of a matter, to be thoroughly well informed! the sum of the expense hereof, being cast up, brought in, and laid down upon his council-board carpet, was found to amount to no more quarterly than the charge of the nuptials of a hircanian tigress; even, as you would say, 600,000 maravedis. at these vast costs and excessive disbursements, as soon as he perceived himself to be out of debt, he fretted much; and afterwards, as tyrants and lawyers use to do, he nourished and fed her with the sweat and blood of his subjects and clients. he then took four french ells of a coarse brown russet cloth, and therein apparelling himself, as with a long, plain-seamed, and single-stitched gown, left off the wearing of his breeches, and tied a pair of spectacles to his cap. in this equipage did he present himself before pantagruel; to whom this disguise appeared the more strange, that he did not, as before, see that goodly, fair, and stately codpiece, which was the sole anchor of hope wherein he was wonted to rely, and last refuge he had midst all the waves and boisterous billows which a stormy cloud in a cross fortune would raise up against him. honest pantagruel, not understanding the mystery, asked him, by way of interrogatory, what he did intend to personate in that new-fangled prosopopoeia. i have, answered panurge, a flea in mine ear, and have a mind to marry. in a good time, quoth pantagruel, you have told me joyful tidings. yet would not i hold a red-hot iron in my hand for all the gladness of them. but it is not the fashion of lovers to be accoutred in such dangling vestments, so as to have their shirts flagging down over their knees, without breeches, and with a long robe of a dark brown mingled hue, which is a colour never used in talarian garments amongst any persons of honour, quality, or virtue. if some heretical persons and schismatical sectaries have at any time formerly been so arrayed and clothed (though many have imputed such a kind of dress to cosenage, cheat, imposture, and an affectation of tyranny upon credulous minds of the rude multitude), i will nevertheless not blame them for it, nor in that point judge rashly or sinistrously of them. everyone overflowingly aboundeth in his own sense and fancy; yea, in things of a foreign consideration, altogether extrinsical and indifferent, which in and of themselves are neither commendable nor bad, because they proceed not from the interior of the thoughts and heart, which is the shop of all good and evil; of goodness, if it be upright, and that its affections be regulated by the pure and clean spirit of righteousness; and, on the other side, of wickedness, if its inclinations, straying beyond the bounds of equity, be corrupted and depraved by the malice and suggestions of the devil. it is only the novelty and new-fangledness thereof which i dislike, together with the contempt of common custom and the fashion which is in use. the colour, answered panurge, is convenient, for it is conform to that of my council-board carpet; therefore will i henceforth hold me with it, and more narrowly and circumspectly than ever hitherto i have done look to my affairs and business. seeing i am once out of debt, you never yet saw man more unpleasing than i will be, if god help me not. lo, here be my spectacles. to see me afar off, you would readily say that it were friar (john) burgess. i believe certainly that in the next ensuing year i shall once more preach the crusade. bounce, buckram. do you see this russet? doubt not but there lurketh under it some hid property and occult virtue known to very few in the world. i did not take it on before this morning, and, nevertheless, am already in a rage of lust, mad after a wife, and vehemently hot upon untying the codpiece-point; i itch, i tingle, i wriggle, and long exceedingly to be married, that, without the danger of cudgel-blows, i may labour my female copes-mate with the hard push of a bull-horned devil. o the provident and thrifty husband that i then will be! after my death, with all honour and respect due to my frugality, will they burn the sacred bulk of my body, of purpose to preserve the ashes thereof, in memory of the choicest pattern that ever was of a perfectly wary and complete householder. cops body, this is not the carpet whereon my treasurer shall be allowed to play false in his accounts with me, by setting down an x for a v, or an l for an s. for in that case should i make a hail of fisticuffs to fly into his face. look upon me, sir, both before and behind,--it is made after the manner of a toga, which was the ancient fashion of the romans in time of peace. i took the mode, shape, and form thereof in trajan's column at rome, as also in the triumphant arch of septimus severus. i am tired of the wars, weary of wearing buff-coats, cassocks, and hoquetons. my shoulders are pitifully worn and bruised with the carrying of harness. let armour cease, and the long robe bear sway! at least it must be so for the whole space of the succeeding year, if i be married; as yesterday, by the mosaic law, you evidenced. in what concerneth the breeches, my great-aunt laurence did long ago tell me, that the breeches were only ordained for the use of the codpiece, and to no other end; which i, upon a no less forcible consequence, give credit to every whit, as well as to the saying of the fine fellow galen, who in his ninth book, of the use and employment of our members, allegeth that the head was made for the eyes. for nature might have placed our heads in our knees or elbows, but having beforehand determined that the eyes should serve to discover things from afar, she for the better enabling them to execute their designed office, fixed them in the head, as on the top of a long pole, in the most eminent part of all the body--no otherwise than we see the phares, or high towers erected in the mouths of havens, that navigators may the further off perceive with ease the lights of the nightly fires and lanterns. and because i would gladly, for some short while, a year at least, take a little rest and breathing time from the toilsome labour of the military profession, that is to say, be married, i have desisted from wearing any more a codpiece, and consequently have laid aside my breeches. for the codpiece is the principal and most especial piece of armour that a warrior doth carry; and therefore do i maintain even to the fire (exclusively, understand you me), that no turks can properly be said to be armed men, in regard that codpieces are by their law forbidden to be worn. chapter 3.viii. why the codpiece is held to be the chief piece of armour amongst warriors. will you maintain, quoth pantagruel, that the codpiece is the chief piece of a military harness? it is a new kind of doctrine, very paradoxical; for we say, at spurs begins the arming of a man. sir, i maintain it, answered panurge, and not wrongfully do i maintain it. behold how nature, having a fervent desire, after its production of plants, trees, shrubs, herbs, sponges, and plant-animals, to eternize and continue them unto all succession of ages (in their several kinds or sorts, at least, although the individuals perish) unruinable, and in an everlasting being, hath most curiously armed and fenced their buds, sprouts, shoots, and seeds, wherein the above-mentioned perpetuity consisteth, by strengthening, covering, guarding, and fortifying them with an admirable industry, with husks, cases, scurfs and swads, hulls, cods, stones, films, cartels, shells, ears, rinds, barks, skins, ridges, and prickles, which serve them instead of strong, fair, and natural codpieces. as is manifestly apparent in pease, beans, fasels, pomegranates, peaches, cottons, gourds, pumpions, melons, corn, lemons, almonds, walnuts, filberts, and chestnuts; as likewise in all plants, slips, or sets whatsoever, wherein it is plainly and evidently seen, that the sperm and semence is more closely veiled, overshadowed, corroborated, and thoroughly harnessed, than any other part, portion, or parcel of the whole. nature, nevertheless, did not after that manner provide for the sempiternizing of (the) human race; but, on the contrary, created man naked, tender, and frail, without either offensive or defensive arms; and that in the estate of innocence, in the first age of all, which was the golden season; not as a plant, but living creature, born for peace, not war, and brought forth into the world with an unquestionable right and title to the plenary fruition and enjoyment of all fruits and vegetables, as also to a certain calm and gentle rule and dominion over all kinds of beasts, fowls, fishes, reptiles, and insects. yet afterwards it happening in the time of the iron age, under the reign of jupiter, when, to the multiplication of mischievous actions, wickedness and malice began to take root and footing within the then perverted hearts of men, that the earth began to bring forth nettles, thistles, thorns, briars, and such other stubborn and rebellious vegetables to the nature of man. nor scarce was there any animal which by a fatal disposition did not then revolt from him, and tacitly conspire and covenant with one another to serve him no longer, nor, in case of their ability to resist, to do him any manner of obedience, but rather, to the uttermost of their power, to annoy him with all the hurt and harm they could. the man, then, that he might maintain his primitive right and prerogative, and continue his sway and dominion over all, both vegetable and sensitive creatures, and knowing of a truth that he could not be well accommodated as he ought without the servitude and subjection of several animals, bethought himself that of necessity he must needs put on arms, and make provision of harness against wars and violence. by the holy saint babingoose, cried out pantagruel, you are become, since the last rain, a great lifrelofre,--philosopher, i should say. take notice, sir, quoth panurge, when dame nature had prompted him to his own arming, what part of the body it was, where, by her inspiration, he clapped on the first harness. it was forsooth by the double pluck of my little dog the ballock and good senor don priapos stabo-stando--which done, he was content, and sought no more. this is certified by the testimony of the great hebrew captain (and) philosopher moses, who affirmeth that he fenced that member with a brave and gallant codpiece, most exquisitely framed, and by right curious devices of a notably pregnant invention made up and composed of fig-tree leaves, which by reason of their solid stiffness, incisory notches, curled frizzling, sleeked smoothness, large ampleness, together with their colour, smell, virtue, and faculty, were exceeding proper and fit for the covering and arming of the satchels of generation--the hideously big lorraine cullions being from thence only excepted, which, swaggering down to the lowermost bottom of the breeches, cannot abide, for being quite out of all order and method, the stately fashion of the high and lofty codpiece; as is manifest by the noble valentine viardiere, whom i found at nancy, on the first day of may--the more flauntingly to gallantrize it afterwards--rubbing his ballocks, spread out upon a table after the manner of a spanish cloak. wherefore it is, that none should henceforth say, who would not speak improperly, when any country bumpkin hieth to the wars, have a care, my roister, of the wine-pot, that is, the skull, but, have a care, my roister, of the milk-pot, that is, the testicles. by the whole rabble of the horned fiends of hell, the head being cut off, that single person only thereby dieth. but, if the ballocks be marred, the whole race of human kind would forthwith perish, and be lost for ever. this was the motive which incited the goodly writer galen, lib. 1. de spermate, to aver with boldness that it were better, that is to say, a less evil, to have no heart at all than to be quite destitute of genitories; for there is laid up, conserved, and put in store, as in a secessive repository and sacred warehouse, the semence and original source of the whole offspring of mankind. therefore would i be apt to believe, for less than a hundred francs, that those are the very same stones by means whereof deucalion and pyrrha restored the human race, in peopling with men and women the world, which a little before that had been drowned in the overflowing waves of a poetical deluge. this stirred up the valiant justinian, l. 4. de cagotis tollendis, to collocate his summum bonum, in braguibus, et braguetis. for this and other causes, the lord humphrey de merville, following of his king to a certain warlike expedition, whilst he was in trying upon his own person a new suit of armour, for of his old rusty harness he could make no more use, by reason that some few years since the skin of his belly was a great way removed from his kidneys, his lady thereupon, in the profound musing of a contemplative spirit, very maturely considering that he had but small care of the staff of love and packet of marriage, seeing he did no otherwise arm that part of the body than with links of mail, advised him to shield, fence, and gabionate it with a big tilting helmet which she had lying in her closet, to her otherwise utterly unprofitable. on this lady were penned these subsequent verses, which are extant in the third book of the shitbrana of paltry wenches. when yoland saw her spouse equipp'd for fight, and, save the codpiece, all in armour dight, my dear, she cried, why, pray, of all the rest is that exposed, you know i love the best? was she to blame for an ill-managed fear,- or rather pious, conscionable care? wise lady, she! in hurlyburly fight, can any tell where random blows may light? leave off then, sir, from being astonished, and wonder no more at this new manner of decking and trimming up of myself as you now see me. chapter 3.ix. how panurge asketh counsel of pantagruel whether he should marry, yea, or no. to this pantagruel replying nothing, panurge prosecuted the discourse he had already broached, and therewithal fetching, as from the bottom of his heart, a very deep sigh, said, my lord and master, you have heard the design i am upon, which is to marry, if by some disastrous mischance all the holes in the world be not shut up, stopped, closed, and bushed. i humbly beseech you, for the affection which of a long time you have borne me, to give me your best advice therein. then, answered pantagruel, seeing you have so decreed, taken deliberation thereon, and that the matter is fully determined, what need is there of any further talk thereof, but forthwith to put it into execution what you have resolved? yea but, quoth panurge, i would be loth to act anything therein without your counsel had thereto. it is my judgment also, quoth pantagruel, and i advise you to it. nevertheless, quoth panurge, if i understood aright that it were much better for me to remain a bachelor as i am, than to run headlong upon new hairbrained undertakings of conjugal adventure, i would rather choose not to marry. quoth pantagruel, then do not marry. yea but, quoth panurge, would you have me so solitarily drive out the whole course of my life, without the comfort of a matrimonial consort? you know it is written, vae soli! and a single person is never seen to reap the joy and solace that is found with married folks. then marry, in the name of god, quoth pantagruel. but if, quoth panurge, my wife should make me a cuckold--as it is not unknown unto you, how this hath been a very plentiful year in the production of that kind of cattle--i would fly out, and grow impatient beyond all measure and mean. i love cuckolds with my heart, for they seem unto me to be of a right honest conversation, and i truly do very willingly frequent their company; but should i die for it, i would not be one of their number. that is a point for me of a too sore prickling point. then do not marry, quoth pantagruel, for without all controversy this sentence of seneca is infallibly true, what thou to others shalt have done, others will do the like to thee. do you, quoth panurge, aver that without all exception? yes, truly, quoth pantagruel, without all exception. ho, ho, says panurge, by the wrath of a little devil, his meaning is, either in this world or in the other which is to come. yet seeing i can no more want a wife than a blind man his staff--(for) the funnel must be in agitation, without which manner of occupation i cannot live--were it not a great deal better for me to apply and associate myself to some one honest, lovely, and virtuous woman, than as i do, by a new change of females every day, run a hazard of being bastinadoed, or, which is worse, of the great pox, if not of both together. for never--be it spoken by their husbands' leave and favour--had i enjoyment yet of an honest woman. marry then, in god's name, quoth pantagruel. but if, quoth panurge, it were the will of god, and that my destiny did unluckily lead me to marry an honest woman who should beat me, i would be stored with more than two third parts of the patience of job, if i were not stark mad by it, and quite distracted with such rugged dealings. for it hath been told me that those exceeding honest women have ordinarily very wicked head-pieces; therefore is it that their family lacketh not for good vinegar. yet in that case should it go worse with me, if i did not then in such sort bang her back and breast, so thumpingly bethwack her gillets, to wit, her arms, legs, head, lights, liver, and milt, with her other entrails, and mangle, jag, and slash her coats so after the cross-billet fashion that the greatest devil of hell should wait at the gate for the reception of her damnel soul. i could make a shift for this year to waive such molestation and disquiet, and be content to lay aside that trouble, and not to be engaged in it. do not marry then, answered pantagruel. yea but, quoth panurge, considering the condition wherein i now am, out of debt and unmarried; mark what i say, free from all debt, in an ill hour, for, were i deeply on the score, my creditors would be but too careful of my paternity, but being quit, and not married, nobody will be so regardful of me, or carry towards me a love like that which is said to be in a conjugal affection. and if by some mishap i should fall sick, i would be looked to very waywardly. the wise man saith, where there is no woman--i mean the mother of a family and wife in the union of a lawful wedlock--the crazy and diseased are in danger of being ill used and of having much brabbling and strife about them; as by clear experience hath been made apparent in the persons of popes, legates, cardinals, bishops, abbots, priors, priests, and monks; but there, assure yourself, you shall not find me. marry then, in the name of god, answered pantagruel. but if, quoth panurge, being ill at ease, and possibly through that distemper made unable to discharge the matrimonial duty that is incumbent to an active husband, my wife, impatient of that drooping sickness and faint-fits of a pining languishment, should abandon and prostitute herself to the embraces of another man, and not only then not help and assist me in my extremity and need, but withal flout at and make sport of that my grievous distress and calamity; or peradventure, which is worse, embezzle my goods and steal from me, as i have seen it oftentimes befall unto the lot of many other men, it were enough to undo me utterly, to fill brimful the cup of my misfortune, and make me play the mad-pate reeks of bedlam. do not marry then, quoth pantagruel. yea but, said panurge, i shall never by any other means come to have lawful sons and daughters, in whom i may harbour some hope of perpetuating my name and arms, and to whom also i may leave and bequeath my inheritances and purchased goods (of which latter sort you need not doubt but that in some one or other of these mornings i will make a fair and goodly show), that so i may cheer up and make merry when otherwise i should be plunged into a peevish sullen mood of pensive sullenness, as i do perceive daily by the gentle and loving carriage of your kind and gracious father towards you; as all honest folks use to do at their own homes and private dwelling-houses. for being free from debt, and yet not married, if casually i should fret and be angry, although the cause of my grief and displeasure were never so just, i am afraid, instead of consolation, that i should meet with nothing else but scoffs, frumps, gibes, and mocks at my disastrous fortune. marry then, in the name of god, quoth pantagruel. chapter 3.x. how pantagruel representeth unto panurge the difficulty of giving advice in the matter of marriage; and to that purpose mentioneth somewhat of the homeric and virgilian lotteries. your counsel, quoth panurge, under your correction and favour, seemeth unto me not unlike to the song of gammer yea-by-nay. it is full of sarcasms, mockeries, bitter taunts, nipping bobs, derisive quips, biting jerks, and contradictory iterations, the one part destroying the other. i know not, quoth pantagruel, which of all my answers to lay hold on; for your proposals are so full of ifs and buts, that i can ground nothing on them, nor pitch upon any solid and positive determination satisfactory to what is demanded by them. are not you assured within yourself of what you have a mind to? the chief and main point of the whole matter lieth there. all the rest is merely casual, and totally dependeth upon the fatal disposition of the heavens. we see some so happy in the fortune of this nuptial encounter, that their family shineth as it were with the radiant effulgency of an idea, model, or representation of the joys of paradise; and perceive others, again, to be so unluckily matched in the conjugal yoke, that those very basest of devils which tempt the hermits that inhabit the deserts of thebais and montserrat are not more miserable than they. it is therefore expedient, seeing you are resolved for once to take a trial of the state of marriage, that, with shut eyes, bowing your head, and kissing the ground, you put the business to a venture, and give it a fair hazard, in recommending the success of the residue to the disposure of almighty god. it lieth not in my power to give you any other manner of assurance, or otherwise to certify you of what shall ensue on this your undertaking. nevertheless, if it please you, this you may do. bring hither virgil's poems, that after having opened the book, and with our fingers severed the leaves thereof three several times, we may, according to the number agreed upon betwixt ourselves, explore the future hap of your intended marriage. for frequently by a homeric lottery have many hit upon their destinies; as is testified in the person of socrates, who, whilst he was in prison, hearing the recitation of this verse of homer, said of achilles in the ninth of the iliads- emati ke tritato phthien eribolon ikoimen, we, the third day, to fertile pthia came-thereby foresaw that on the third subsequent day he was to die. of the truth whereof he assured aeschines; as plato, in critone, cicero, in primo, de divinatione, diogenes laertius, and others, have to the full recorded in their works. the like is also witnessed by opilius macrinus, to whom, being desirous to know if he should be the roman emperor, befell, by chance of lot, this sentence in the eighth of the iliads- o geron, e mala de se neoi teirousi machetai, ze de bin lelutai, chalepon de se geras opazei. dotard, new warriors urge thee to be gone. thy life decays, and old age weighs thee down. in fact, he, being then somewhat ancient, had hardly enjoyed the sovereignty of the empire for the space of fourteen months, when by heliogabalus, then both young and strong, he was dispossessed thereof, thrust out of all, and killed. brutus doth also bear witness of another experiment of this nature, who willing, through this exploratory way by lot, to learn what the event and issue should be of the pharsalian battle wherein he perished, he casually encountered on this verse, said of patroclus in the sixteenth of the iliads- alla me moir oloe, kai letous ektanen uios. fate, and latona's son have shot me dead. and accordingly apollo was the field-word in the dreadful day of that fight. divers notable things of old have likewise been foretold and known by casting of virgilian lots; yea, in matters of no less importance than the obtaining of the roman empire, as it happened to alexander severus, who, trying his fortune at the said kind of lottery, did hit upon this verse written in the sixth of the aeneids- tu regere imperio populos, romane, memento. know, roman, that thy business is to reign. he, within very few years thereafter, was effectually and in good earnest created and installed roman emperor. a semblable story thereto is related of adrian, who, being hugely perplexed within himself out of a longing humour to know in what account he was with the emperor trajan, and how large the measure of that affection was which he did bear unto him, had recourse, after the manner above specified, to the maronian lottery, which by haphazard tendered him these lines out of the sixth of the aeneids- quis procul ille autem, ramis insignis olivae sacra ferens? nosco crines incanaque menta regis romani. but who is he, conspicuous from afar, with olive boughs, that doth his offerings bear? by the white hair and beard i know him plain, the roman king. shortly thereafter was he adopted by trajan, and succeeded to him in the empire. moreover, to the lot of the praiseworthy emperor claudius befell this line of virgil, written in the sixth of his aeneids- tertia dum latio regnantem viderit aestas. whilst the third summer saw him reign, a king in latium. and in effect he did not reign above two years. to the said claudian also, inquiring concerning his brother quintilius, whom he proposed as a colleague with himself in the empire, happened the response following in the sixth of the aeneids- ostendent terris hunc tantum fata. whom fate let us see, and would no longer suffer him to be. and it so fell out; for he was killed on the seventeenth day after he had attained unto the management of the imperial charge. the very same lot, also, with the like misluck, did betide the emperor gordian the younger. to claudius albinus, being very solicitous to understand somewhat of his future adventures, did occur this saying, which is written in the sixth of the aeneids- hic rem romanam magno turbante tumultu sistet eques, &c. the romans, boiling with tumultuous rage, this warrior shall the dangerous storm assuage: with victories he the carthaginian mauls, and with strong hand shall crush the rebel gauls. likewise, when the emperor d. claudius, aurelian's predecessor, did with great eagerness research after the fate to come of his posterity, his hap was to alight on this verse in the first of the aeneids- hic ego nec metas rerum, nec tempora pono. no bounds are to be set, no limits here. which was fulfilled by the goodly genealogical row of his race. when mr. peter amy did in like manner explore and make trial if he should escape the ambush of the hobgoblins who lay in wait all-to-bemaul him, he fell upon this verse in the third of the aeneids- heu! fuge crudeles terras, fuge littus avarum! oh, flee the bloody land, the wicked shore! which counsel he obeying, safe and sound forthwith avoided all these ambuscades. were it not to shun prolixity, i could enumerate a thousand such like adventures, which, conform to the dictate and verdict of the verse, have by that manner of lot-casting encounter befallen to the curious researchers of them. do not you nevertheless imagine, lest you should be deluded, that i would upon this kind of fortune-flinging proof infer an uncontrollable and not to be gainsaid infallibility of truth. chapter 3.xi. how pantagruel showeth the trial of one's fortune by the throwing of dice to be unlawful. it would be sooner done, quoth panurge, and more expeditely, if we should try the matter at the chance of three fair dice. quoth pantagruel, that sort of lottery is deceitful, abusive, illicitous, and exceedingly scandalous. never trust in it. the accursed book of the recreation of dice was a great while ago excogitated in achaia, near bourre, by that ancient enemy of mankind, the infernal calumniator, who, before the statue or massive image of the bourraic hercules, did of old, and doth in several places of the world as yet, make many simple souls to err and fall into his snares. you know how my father gargantua hath forbidden it over all his kingdoms and dominions; how he hath caused burn the moulds and draughts thereof, and altogether suppressed, abolished, driven forth, and cast it out of the land, as a most dangerous plague and infection to any well-polished state or commonwealth. what i have told you of dice, i say the same of the play at cockall. it is a lottery of the like guile and deceitfulness; and therefore do not for convincing of me allege in opposition to this my opinion, or bring in the example of the fortunate cast of tiberius, within the fountain of aponus, at the oracle of gerion. these are the baited hooks by which the devil attracts and draweth unto him the foolish souls of silly people into eternal perdition. nevertheless, to satisfy your humour in some measure, i am content you throw three dice upon this table, that, according to the number of the blots which shall happen to be cast up, we may hit upon a verse of that page which in the setting open of the book you shall have pitched upon. have you any dice in your pocket? a whole bagful, answered panurge. that is provision against the devil, as is expounded by merlin coccaius, lib. 2. de patria diabolorum. the devil would be sure to take me napping, and very much at unawares, if he should find me without dice. with this, the three dice being taken out, produced, and thrown, they fell so pat upon the lower points that the cast was five, six, and five. these are, quoth panurge, sixteen in all. let us take the sixteenth line of the page. the number pleaseth me very well; i hope we shall have a prosperous and happy chance. may i be thrown amidst all the devils of hell, even as a great bowl cast athwart at a set of ninepins, or cannon-ball shot among a battalion of foot, in case so many times i do not boult my future wife the first night of our marriage! of that, forsooth, i make no doubt at all, quoth pantagruel. you needed not to have rapped forth such a horrid imprecation, the sooner to procure credit for the performance of so small a business, seeing possibly the first bout will be amiss, and that you know is usually at tennis called fifteen. at the next justling turn you may readily amend that fault, and so complete your reckoning of sixteen. is it so, quoth panurge, that you understand the matter? and must my words be thus interpreted? nay, believe me never yet was any solecism committed by that valiant champion who often hath for me in belly-dale stood sentry at the hypogastrian cranny. did you ever hitherto find me in the confraternity of the faulty? never, i trow; never, nor ever shall, for ever and a day. i do the feat like a goodly friar or father confessor, without default. and therein am i willing to be judged by the players. he had no sooner spoke these words than the works of virgil were brought in. but before the book was laid open, panurge said to pantagruel, my heart, like the furch of a hart in a rut, doth beat within my breast. be pleased to feel and grope my pulse a little on this artery of my left arm. at its frequent rise and fall you would say that they swinge and belabour me after the manner of a probationer, posed and put to a peremptory trial in the examination of his sufficiency for the discharge of the learned duty of a graduate in some eminent degree in the college of the sorbonists. but would you not hold it expedient, before we proceed any further, that we should invocate hercules and the tenetian goddesses who in the chamber of lots are said to rule, sit in judgment, and bear a presidential sway? neither him nor them, answered pantagruel; only open up the leaves of the book with your fingers, and set your nails awork. chapter 3.xii. how pantagruel doth explore by the virgilian lottery what fortune panurge shall have in his marriage. then at the opening of the book in the sixteenth row of the lines of the disclosed page did panurge encounter upon this following verse: nec deus hunc mensa, dea nec dignata cubili est. the god him from his table banished, nor would the goddess have him in her bed. this response, quoth pantagruel, maketh not very much for your benefit or advantage; for it plainly signifies and denoteth that your wife shall be a strumpet, and yourself by consequence a cuckold. the goddess, whom you shall not find propitious nor favourable unto you, is minerva, a most redoubtable and dreadful virgin, a powerful and fulminating goddess, an enemy to cuckolds and effeminate youngsters, to cuckold-makers and adulterers. the god is jupiter, a terrible and thunder-striking god from heaven. and withal it is to be remarked, that, conform to the doctrine of the ancient etrurians, the manubes, for so did they call the darting hurls or slinging casts of the vulcanian thunderbolts, did only appertain to her and to jupiter her father capital. this was verified in the conflagration of the ships of ajax oileus, nor doth this fulminating power belong to any other of the olympic gods. men, therefore, stand not in such fear of them. moreover, i will tell you, and you may take it as extracted out of the profoundest mysteries of mythology, that, when the giants had enterprised the waging of a war against the power of the celestial orbs, the gods at first did laugh at those attempts, and scorned such despicable enemies, who were, in their conceit, not strong enough to cope in feats of warfare with their pages; but when they saw by the gigantine labour the high hill pelion set on lofty ossa, and that the mount olympus was made shake to be erected on the top of both, then was it that jupiter held a parliament, or general convention, wherein it was unanimously resolved upon and condescended to by all the gods, that they should worthily and valiantly stand to their defence. and because they had often seen battles lost by the cumbersome lets and disturbing encumbrances of women confusedly huddled in amongst armies, it was at that time decreed and enacted that they should expel and drive out of heaven into egypt and the confines of nile that whole crew of goddesses, disguised in the shapes of weasels, polecats, bats, shrew-mice, ferrets, fulmarts, and other such like odd transformations; only minerva was reserved to participate with jupiter in the horrific fulminating power, as being the goddess both of war and learning, of arts and arms, of counsel and despatch--a goddess armed from her birth, a goddess dreaded in heaven, in the air, by sea and land. by the belly of saint buff, quoth panurge, should i be vulcan, whom the poet blazons? nay, i am neither a cripple, coiner of false money, nor smith, as he was. my wife possibly will be as comely and handsome as ever was his venus, but not a whore like her, nor i a cuckold like him. the crook-legged slovenly slave made himself to be declared a cuckold by a definite sentence and judgment, in the open view of all the gods. for this cause ought you to interpret the afore-mentioned verse quite contrary to what you have said. this lot importeth that my wife will be honest, virtuous, chaste, loyal, and faithful; not armed, surly, wayward, cross, giddy, humorous, heady, hairbrained, or extracted out of the brains, as was the goddess pallas; nor shall this fair jolly jupiter be my co-rival. he shall never dip his bread in my broth, though we should sit together at one table. consider his exploits and gallant actions. he was the manifest ruffian, wencher, whoremonger, and most infamous cuckold-maker that ever breathed. he did always lecher it like a boar, and no wonder, for he was fostered by a sow in the isle of candia, if agathocles the babylonian be not a liar, and more rammishly lascivious than a buck; whence it is that he is said by others to have been suckled and fed with the milk of the amalthaean goat. by the virtue of acheron, he justled, bulled, and lastauriated in one day the third part of the world, beasts and people, floods and mountains; that was europa. for this grand subagitatory achievement the ammonians caused draw, delineate, and paint him in the figure and shape of a ram ramming, and horned ram. but i know well enough how to shield and preserve myself from that horned champion. he will not, trust me, have to deal in my person with a sottish, dunsical amphitryon, nor with a silly witless argus, for all his hundred spectacles, nor yet with the cowardly meacock acrisius, the simple goose-cap lycus of thebes, the doting blockhead agenor, the phlegmatic pea-goose aesop, rough-footed lycaon, the luskish misshapen corytus of tuscany, nor with the large-backed and strong-reined atlas. let him alter, change, transform, and metamorphose himself into a hundred various shapes and figures, into a swan, a bull, a satyr, a shower of gold, or into a cuckoo, as he did when he unmaidened his sister juno; into an eagle, ram, or dove, as when he was enamoured of the virgin phthia, who then dwelt in the aegean territory; into fire, a serpent, yea, even into a flea; into epicurean and democratical atoms, or, more magistronostralistically, into those sly intentions of the mind, which in the schools are called second notions,--i'll catch him in the nick, and take him napping. and would you know what i would do unto him? even that which to his father coelum saturn did--seneca foretold it of me, and lactantius hath confirmed it--what the goddess rhea did to athis. i would make him two stone lighter, rid him of his cyprian cymbals, and cut so close and neatly by the breech, that there shall not remain thereof so much as one--, so cleanly would i shave him, and disable him for ever from being pope, for testiculos non habet. hold there, said pantagruel; ho, soft and fair, my lad! enough of that,--cast up, turn over the leaves, and try your fortune for the second time. then did he fall upon this ensuing verse: membra quatit, gelidusque coit formidine sanguis. his joints and members quake, he becomes pale, and sudden fear doth his cold blood congeal. this importeth, quoth pantagruel, that she will soundly bang your back and belly. clean and quite contrary, answered panurge; it is of me that he prognosticates, in saying that i will beat her like a tiger if she vex me. sir martin wagstaff will perform that office, and in default of a cudgel, the devil gulp him, if i should not eat her up quick, as candaul the lydian king did his wife, whom he ravened and devoured. you are very stout, says pantagruel, and courageous; hercules himself durst hardly adventure to scuffle with you in this your raging fury. nor is it strange; for the jan is worth two, and two in fight against hercules are too too strong. am i a jan? quoth panurge. no, no, answered pantagruel. my mind was only running upon the lurch and tricktrack. thereafter did he hit, at the third opening of the book, upon this verse: foemineo praedae, et spoliorum ardebat amore. after the spoil and pillage, as in fire, he burnt with a strong feminine desire. this portendeth, quoth pantagruel, that she will steal your goods, and rob you. hence this, according to these three drawn lots, will be your future destiny, i clearly see it,--you will be a cuckold, you will be beaten, and you will be robbed. nay, it is quite otherwise, quoth panurge; for it is certain that this verse presageth that she will love me with a perfect liking. nor did the satyr-writing poet lie in proof hereof, when he affirmed that a woman, burning with extreme affection, takes sometimes pleasure to steal from her sweetheart. and what, i pray you? a glove, a point, or some such trifling toy of no importance, to make him keep a gentle kind of stirring in the research and quest thereof. in like manner, these small scolding debates and petty brabbling contentions, which frequently we see spring up and for a certain space boil very hot betwixt a couple of high-spirited lovers, are nothing else but recreative diversions for their refreshment, spurs to and incentives of a more fervent amity than ever. as, for example, we do sometimes see cutlers with hammers maul their finest whetstones, therewith to sharpen their iron tools the better. and therefore do i think that these three lots make much for my advantage; which, if not, i from their sentence totally appeal. there is no appellation, quoth pantagruel, from the decrees of fate or destiny, of lot or chance; as is recorded by our ancient lawyers, witness baldus, lib. ult. cap. de leg. the reason hereof is, fortune doth not acknowledge a superior, to whom an appeal may be made from her or any of her substitutes. and in this case the pupil cannot be restored to his right in full, as openly by the said author is alleged in l. ait praetor, paragr. ult. ff. de minor. chapter 3.xiii. how pantagruel adviseth panurge to try the future good or bad luck of his marriage by dreams. now, seeing we cannot agree together in the manner of expounding or interpreting the sense of the virgilian lots, let us bend our course another way, and try a new sort of divination. of what kind? asked panurge. of a good ancient and authentic fashion, answered pantagruel; it is by dreams. for in dreaming, such circumstances and conditions being thereto adhibited, as are clearly enough described by hippocrates, in lib. peri ton enupnion, by plato, plotin, iamblicus, sinesius, aristotle, xenophon, galen, plutarch, artemidorus, daldianus, herophilus, q. calaber, theocritus, pliny, athenaeus, and others, the soul doth oftentimes foresee what is to come. how true this is, you may conceive by a very vulgar and familiar example; as when you see that at such a time as suckling babes, well nourished, fed, and fostered with good milk, sleep soundly and profoundly, the nurses in the interim get leave to sport themselves, and are licentiated to recreate their fancies at what range to them shall seem most fitting and expedient, their presence, sedulity, and attendance on the cradle being, during all that space, held unnecessary. even just so, when our body is at rest, that the concoction is everywhere accomplished, and that, till it awake, it lacks for nothing, our soul delighteth to disport itself and is well pleased in that frolic to take a review of its native country, which is the heavens, where it receiveth a most notable participation of its first beginning with an imbuement from its divine source, and in contemplation of that infinite and intellectual sphere, whereof the centre is everywhere, and the circumference in no place of the universal world, to wit, god, according to the doctrine of hermes trismegistus, to whom no new thing happeneth, whom nothing that is past escapeth, and unto whom all things are alike present, remarketh not only what is preterit and gone in the inferior course and agitation of sublunary matters, but withal taketh notice what is to come; then bringing a relation of those future events unto the body of the outward senses and exterior organs, it is divulged abroad unto the hearing of others. whereupon the owner of that soul deserveth to be termed a vaticinator, or prophet. nevertheless, the truth is, that the soul is seldom able to report those things in such sincerity as it hath seen them, by reason of the imperfection and frailty of the corporeal senses, which obstruct the effectuating of that office; even as the moon doth not communicate unto this earth of ours that light which she receiveth from the sun with so much splendour, heat, vigour, purity, and liveliness as it was given her. hence it is requisite for the better reading, explaining, and unfolding of these somniatory vaticinations and predictions of that nature, that a dexterous, learned, skilful, wise, industrious, expert, rational, and peremptory expounder or interpreter be pitched upon, such a one as by the greeks is called onirocrit, or oniropolist. for this cause heraclitus was wont to say that nothing is by dreams revealed to us, that nothing is by dreams concealed from us, and that only we thereby have a mystical signification and secret evidence of things to come, either for our own prosperous or unlucky fortune, or for the favourable or disastrous success of another. the sacred scriptures testify no less, and profane histories assure us of it, in both which are exposed to our view a thousand several kinds of strange adventures, which have befallen pat according to the nature of the dream, and that as well to the party dreamer as to others. the atlantic people, and those that inhabit the (is)land of thasos, one of the cyclades, are of this grand commodity deprived; for in their countries none yet ever dreamed. of this sort (were) cleon of daulia, thrasymedes, and in our days the learned frenchman villanovanus, neither of all which knew what dreaming was. fail not therefore to-morrow, when the jolly and fair aurora with her rosy fingers draweth aside the curtains of the night to drive away the sable shades of darkness, to bend your spirits wholly to the task of sleeping sound, and thereto apply yourself. in the meanwhile you must denude your mind of every human passion or affection, such as are love and hatred, fear and hope, for as of old the great vaticinator, most famous and renowned prophet proteus, was not able in his disguise or transformation into fire, water, a tiger, a dragon, and other such like uncouth shapes and visors, to presage anything that was to come till he was restored to his own first natural and kindly form; just so doth man; for, at his reception of the art of divination and faculty of prognosticating future things, that part in him which is the most divine, to wit, the nous, or mens, must be calm, peaceable, untroubled, quiet, still, hushed, and not embusied or distracted with foreign, soul-disturbing perturbations. i am content, quoth panurge. but, i pray you, sir, must i this evening, ere i go to bed, eat much or little? i do not ask this without cause. for if i sup not well, large, round, and amply, my sleeping is not worth a forked turnip. all the night long i then but doze and rave, and in my slumbering fits talk idle nonsense, my thoughts being in a dull brown study, and as deep in their dumps as is my belly hollow. not to sup, answered pantagruel, were best for you, considering the state of your complexion and healthy constitution of your body. a certain very ancient prophet, named amphiaraus, wished such as had a mind by dreams to be imbued with any oracle, for four-and-twenty hours to taste no victuals, and to abstain from wine three days together. yet shall not you be put to such a sharp, hard, rigorous, and extreme sparing diet. i am truly right apt to believe that a man whose stomach is replete with various cheer, and in a manner surfeited with drinking, is hardly able to conceive aright of spiritual things; yet am not i of the opinion of those who, after long and pertinacious fastings, think by such means to enter more profoundly into the speculation of celestial mysteries. you may very well remember how my father gargantua (whom here for honour sake i name) hath often told us that the writings of abstinent, abstemious, and long-fasting hermits were every whit as saltless, dry, jejune, and insipid as were their bodies when they did compose them. it is a most difficult thing for the spirits to be in a good plight, serene and lively, when there is nothing in the body but a kind of voidness and inanity; seeing the philosophers with the physicians jointly affirm that the spirits which are styled animal spring from, and have their constant practice in and through the arterial blood, refined and purified to the life within the admirable net which, wonderfully framed, lieth under the ventricles and tunnels of the brain. he gave us also the example of the philosopher who, when he thought most seriously to have withdrawn himself unto a solitary privacy, far from the rustling clutterments of the tumultuous and confused world, the better to improve his theory, to contrive, comment, and ratiocinate, was, notwithstanding his uttermost endeavours to free himself from all untoward noises, surrounded and environed about so with the barking of curs, bawling of mastiffs, bleating of sheep, prating of parrots, tattling of jackdaws, grunting of swine, girning of boars, yelping of foxes, mewing of cats, cheeping of mice, squeaking of weasels, croaking of frogs, crowing of cocks, cackling of hens, calling of partridges, chanting of swans, chattering of jays, peeping of chickens, singing of larks, creaking of geese, chirping of swallows, clucking of moorfowls, cucking of cuckoos, bumbling of bees, rammage of hawks, chirming of linnets, croaking of ravens, screeching of owls, whicking of pigs, gushing of hogs, curring of pigeons, grumbling of cushat-doves, howling of panthers, curkling of quails, chirping of sparrows, crackling of crows, nuzzing of camels, wheening of whelps, buzzing of dromedaries, mumbling of rabbits, cricking of ferrets, humming of wasps, mioling of tigers, bruzzing of bears, sussing of kitlings, clamouring of scarfs, whimpering of fulmarts, booing of buffaloes, warbling of nightingales, quavering of mavises, drintling of turkeys, coniating of storks, frantling of peacocks, clattering of magpies, murmuring of stock-doves, crouting of cormorants, cigling of locusts, charming of beagles, guarring of puppies, snarling of messens, rantling of rats, guerieting of apes, snuttering of monkeys, pioling of pelicans, quacking of ducks, yelling of wolves, roaring of lions, neighing of horses, crying of elephants, hissing of serpents, and wailing of turtles, that he was much more troubled than if he had been in the middle of the crowd at the fair of fontenay or niort. just so is it with those who are tormented with the grievous pangs of hunger. the stomach begins to gnaw, and bark, as it were, the eyes to look dim, and the veins, by greedily sucking some refection to themselves from the proper substance of all the members of a fleshy consistence, violently pull down and draw back that vagrant, roaming spirit, careless and neglecting of his nurse and natural host, which is the body; as when a hawk upon the fist, willing to take her flight by a soaring aloft in the open spacious air, is on a sudden drawn back by a leash tied to her feet. to this purpose also did he allege unto us the authority of homer, the father of all philosophy, who said that the grecians did not put an end to their mournful mood for the death of patroclus, the most intimate friend of achilles, till hunger in a rage declared herself, and their bellies protested to furnish no more tears unto their grief. for from bodies emptied and macerated by long fasting there could not be such supply of moisture and brackish drops as might be proper on that occasion. mediocrity at all times is commendable; nor in this case are you to abandon it. you may take a little supper, but thereat must you not eat of a hare, nor of any other flesh. you are likewise to abstain from beans, from the preak, by some called the polyp, as also from coleworts, cabbage, and all other such like windy victuals, which may endanger the troubling of your brains and the dimming or casting a kind of mist over your animal spirits. for, as a looking-glass cannot exhibit the semblance or representation of the object set before it, and exposed to have its image to the life expressed, if that the polished sleekedness thereof be darkened by gross breathings, dampish vapours, and foggy, thick, infectious exhalations, even so the fancy cannot well receive the impression of the likeness of those things which divination doth afford by dreams, if any way the body be annoyed or troubled with the fumish steam of meat which it had taken in a while before; because betwixt these two there still hath been a mutual sympathy and fellow-feeling of an indissolubly knit affection. you shall eat good eusebian and bergamot pears, one apple of the short-shank pippin kind, a parcel of the little plums of tours, and some few cherries of the growth of my orchard. nor shall you need to fear that thereupon will ensue doubtful dreams, fallacious, uncertain, and not to be trusted to, as by some peripatetic philosophers hath been related; for that, say they, men do more copiously in the season of harvest feed on fruitages than at any other time. the same is mystically taught us by the ancient prophets and poets, who allege that all vain and deceitful dreams lie hid and in covert under the leaves which are spread on the ground--by reason that the leaves fall from the trees in the autumnal quarter. for the natural fervour which, abounding in ripe, fresh, recent fruits, cometh by the quickness of its ebullition to be with ease evaporated into the animal parts of the dreaming person--the experiment is obvious in most--is a pretty while before it be expired, dissolved, and evanished. as for your drink, you are to have it of the fair, pure water of my fountain. the condition, quoth panurge, is very hard. nevertheless, cost what price it will, or whatsoever come of it, i heartily condescend thereto; protesting that i shall to-morrow break my fast betimes after my somniatory exercitations. furthermore, i recommend myself to homer's two gates, to morpheus, to iselon, to phantasus, and unto phobetor. if they in this my great need succour me and grant me that assistance which is fitting, i will in honour of them all erect a jolly, genteel altar, composed of the softest down. if i were now in laconia, in the temple of juno, betwixt oetile and thalamis, she suddenly would disentangle my perplexity, resolve me of my doubts, and cheer me up with fair and jovial dreams in a deep sleep. then did he say thus unto pantagruel: sir, were it not expedient for my purpose to put a branch or two of curious laurel betwixt the quilt and bolster of my bed, under the pillow on which my head must lean? there is no need at all of that, quoth pantagruel; for, besides that it is a thing very superstitious, the cheat thereof hath been at large discovered unto us in the writings of serapion, ascalonites, antiphon, philochorus, artemon, and fulgentius planciades. i could say as much to you of the left shoulder of a crocodile, as also of a chameleon, without prejudice be it spoken to the credit which is due to the opinion of old democritus; and likewise of the stone of the bactrians, called eumetrides, and of the ammonian horn; for so by the aethiopians is termed a certain precious stone, coloured like gold, and in the fashion, shape, form, and proportion of a ram's horn, as the horn of jupiter ammon is reported to have been: they over and above assuredly affirming that the dreams of those who carry it about them are no less veritable and infallible than the truth of the divine oracles. nor is this much unlike to what homer and virgil wrote of these two gates of sleep, to which you have been pleased to recommend the management of what you have in hand. the one is of ivory, which letteth in confused, doubtful, and uncertain dreams; for through ivory, how small and slender soever it be, we can see nothing, the density, opacity, and close compactedness of its material parts hindering the penetration of the visual rays and the reception of the specieses of such things as are visible. the other is of horn, at which an entry is made to sure and certain dreams, even as through horn, by reason of the diaphanous splendour and bright transparency thereof, the species of all objects of the sight distinctly pass, and so without confusion appear, that they are clearly seen. your meaning is, and you would thereby infer, quoth friar john, that the dreams of all horned cuckolds, of which number panurge, by the help of god and his future wife, is without controversy to be one, are always true and infallible. chapter 3.xiv. panurge's dream, with the interpretation thereof. at seven o'clock of the next following morning panurge did not fail to present himself before pantagruel, in whose chamber were at that time epistemon, friar john of the funnels, ponocrates, eudemon, carpalin, and others, to whom, at the entry of panurge, pantagruel said, lo! here cometh our dreamer. that word, quoth epistemon, in ancient times cost very much, and was dearly sold to the children of jacob. then said panurge, i have been plunged into my dumps so deeply, as if i had been lodged with gaffer noddy-cap. dreamed indeed i have, and that right lustily; but i could take along with me no more thereof that i did goodly understand save only that i in my vision had a pretty, fair, young, gallant, handsome woman, who no less lovingly and kindly treated and entertained me, hugged, cherished, cockered, dandled, and made much of me, as if i had been another neat dilly-darling minion, like adonis. never was man more glad than i was then; my joy at that time was incomparable. she flattered me, tickled me, stroked me, groped me, frizzled me, curled me, kissed me, embraced me, laid her hands about my neck, and now and then made jestingly pretty little horns above my forehead. i told her in the like disport, as i did play the fool with her, that she should rather place and fix them in a little below mine eyes, that i might see the better what i should stick at with them; for, being so situated, momus then would find no fault therewith, as he did once with the position of the horns of bulls. the wanton, toying girl, notwithstanding any remonstrance of mine to the contrary, did always drive and thrust them further in; yet thereby, which to me seemed wonderful, she did not do me any hurt at all. a little after, though i know not how, i thought i was transformed into a tabor, and she into a chough. my sleeping there being interrupted, i awaked in a start, angry, displeased, perplexed, chafing, and very wroth. there have you a large platterful of dreams, make thereupon good cheer, and, if you please, spare not to interpret them according to the understanding which you may have in them. come, carpalin, let us to breakfast. to my sense and meaning, quoth pantagruel, if i have skill or knowledge in the art of divination by dreams, your wife will not really, and to the outward appearance of the world, plant or set horns, and stick them fast in your forehead, after a visible manner, as satyrs use to wear and carry them; but she will be so far from preserving herself loyal in the discharge and observance of a conjugal duty, that, on the contrary, she will violate her plighted faith, break her marriage-oath, infringe all matrimonial ties, prostitute her body to the dalliance of other men, and so make you a cuckold. this point is clearly and manifestly explained and expounded by artemidorus just as i have related it. nor will there be any metamorphosis or transmutation made of you into a drum or tabor, but you will surely be as soundly beaten as ever was tabor at a merry wedding. nor yet will she be changed into a chough, but will steal from you, chiefly in the night, as is the nature of that thievish bird. hereby may you perceive your dreams to be in every jot conform and agreeable to the virgilian lots. a cuckold you will be, beaten and robbed. then cried out father john with a loud voice, he tells the truth; upon my conscience, thou wilt be a cuckold--an honest one, i warrant thee. o the brave horns that will be borne by thee! ha, ha, ha! our good master de cornibus. god save thee, and shield thee! wilt thou be pleased to preach but two words of a sermon to us, and i will go through the parish church to gather up alms for the poor. you are, quoth panurge, very far mistaken in your interpretation; for the matter is quite contrary to your sense thereof. my dream presageth that i shall by marriage be stored with plenty of all manner of goods--the hornifying of me showing that i will possess a cornucopia, that amalthaean horn which is called the horn of abundance, whereof the fruition did still portend the wealth of the enjoyer. you possibly will say that they are rather like to be satyr's horns; for you of these did make some mention. amen, amen, fiat, fiatur, ad differentiam papae. thus shall i have my touch-her-home still ready. my staff of love, sempiternally in a good case, will, satyr-like, be never toiled out--a thing which all men wish for, and send up their prayers to that purpose, but such a thing as nevertheless is granted but to a few. hence doth it follow by a consequence as clear as the sunbeams that i will never be in the danger of being made a cuckold, for the defect hereof is causa sine qua non; yea, the sole cause, as many think, of making husbands cuckolds. what makes poor scoundrel rogues to beg, i pray you? is it not because they have not enough at home wherewith to fill their bellies and their pokes? what is it makes the wolves to leave the woods? is it not the want of flesh meat? what maketh women whores? you understand me well enough. and herein may i very well submit my opinion to the judgment of learned lawyers, presidents, counsellors, advocates, procurers, attorneys, and other glossers and commentators on the venerable rubric, de frigidis et maleficiatis. you are, in truth, sir, as it seems to me (excuse my boldness if i have transgressed), in a most palpable and absurd error to attribute my horns to cuckoldry. diana wears them on her head after the manner of a crescent. is she a cucquean for that? how the devil can she be cuckolded who never yet was married? speak somewhat more correctly, i beseech you, lest she, being offended, furnish you with a pair of horns shapen by the pattern of those which she made for actaeon. the goodly bacchus also carries horns, --pan, jupiter ammon, with a great many others. are they all cuckolds? if jove be a cuckold, juno is a whore. this follows by the figure metalepsis: as to call a child, in the presence of his father and mother, a bastard, or whore's son, is tacitly and underboard no less than if he had said openly the father is a cuckold and his wife a punk. let our discourse come nearer to the purpose. the horns that my wife did make me are horns of abundance, planted and grafted in my head for the increase and shooting up of all good things. this will i affirm for truth, upon my word, and pawn my faith and credit both upon it. as for the rest, i will be no less joyful, frolic, glad, cheerful, merry, jolly, and gamesome, than a well-bended tabor in the hands of a good drummer at a nuptial feast, still making a noise, still rolling, still buzzing and cracking. believe me, sir, in that consisteth none of my least good fortunes. and my wife will be jocund, feat, compt, neat, quaint, dainty, trim, tricked up, brisk, smirk, and smug, even as a pretty little cornish chough. who will not believe this, let hell or the gallows be the burden of his christmas carol. i remark, quoth pantagruel, the last point or particle which you did speak of, and, having seriously conferred it with the first, find that at the beginning you were delighted with the sweetness of your dream; but in the end and final closure of it you startingly awaked, and on a sudden were forthwith vexed in choler and annoyed. yea, quoth panurge, the reason of that was because i had fasted too long. flatter not yourself, quoth pantagruel; all will go to ruin. know for a certain truth, that every sleep that endeth with a starting, and leaves the person irksome, grieved, and fretting, doth either signify a present evil, or otherwise presageth and portendeth a future imminent mishap. to signify an evil, that is to say, to show some sickness hardly curable, a kind of pestilentious or malignant boil, botch, or sore, lying and lurking hid, occult, and latent within the very centre of the body, which many times doth by the means of sleep, whose nature is to reinforce and strengthen the faculty and virtue of concoction, being according to the theorems of physic to declare itself, and moves toward the outward superficies. at this sad stirring is the sleeper's rest and ease disturbed and broken, whereof the first feeling and stinging smart admonisheth that he must patiently endure great pain and trouble, and thereunto provide some remedy; as when we say proverbially, to incense hornets, to move a stinking puddle, and to awake a sleeping lion, instead of these more usual expressions, and of a more familiar and plain meaning, to provoke angry persons, to make a thing the worse by meddling with it, and to irritate a testy choleric man when he is at quiet. on the other part, to presage or foretell an evil, especially in what concerneth the exploits of the soul in matter of somnial divinations, is as much to say as that it giveth us to understand that some dismal fortune or mischance is destinated and prepared for us, which shortly will not fail to come to pass. a clear and evident example hereof is to be found in the dream and dreadful awaking of hecuba, as likewise in that of eurydice, the wife of orpheus, neither of which was (no) sooner finished, saith ennius, but that incontinently thereafter they awaked in a start, and were affrighted horribly. thereupon these accidents ensued: hecuba had her husband priamus, together with her children, slain before her eyes, and saw then the destruction of her country; and eurydice died speedily thereafter in a most miserable manner. aeneas, dreaming that he spoke to hector a little after his decease, did on a sudden in a great start awake, and was afraid. now hereupon did follow this event: troy that same night was spoiled, sacked, and burnt. at another time the same aeneas dreaming that he saw his familiar geniuses and penates, in a ghastly fright and astonishment awaked, of which terror and amazement the issue was, that the very next day subsequent, by a most horrible tempest on the sea, he was like to have perished and been cast away. moreover, turnus being prompted, instigated, and stirred up by the fantastic vision of an infernal fury to enter into a bloody war against aeneas, awaked in a start much troubled and disquieted in spirit; in sequel whereof, after many notable and famous routs, defeats, and discomfitures in open field, he came at last to be killed in a single combat by the said aeneas. a thousand other instances i could afford, if it were needful, of this matter. whilst i relate these stories of aeneas, remark the saying of fabius pictor, who faithfully averred that nothing had at any time befallen unto, was done, or enterprised by him, whereof he preallably had not notice, and beforehand foreseen it to the full, by sure predictions altogether founded on the oracles of somnial divination. to this there is no want of pregnant reasons, no more than of examples. for if repose and rest in sleeping be a special gift and favour of the gods, as is maintained by the philosophers, and by the poet attested in these lines, then sleep, that heavenly gift, came to refresh of human labourers the wearied flesh; such a gift or benefit can never finish or terminate in wrath and indignation without portending some unlucky fate and most disastrous fortune to ensue. otherwise it were a molestation, and not an ease; a scourge, and not a gift; at least, (not) proceeding from the gods above, but from the infernal devils our enemies, according to the common vulgar saying. suppose the lord, father, or master of a family, sitting at a very sumptuous dinner, furnished with all manner of good cheer, and having at his entry to the table his appetite sharp set upon his victuals, whereof there was great plenty, should be seen rise in a start, and on a sudden fling out of his chair, abandoning his meat, frighted, appalled, and in a horrid terror, who should not know the cause hereof would wonder, and be astonished exceedingly. but what? he heard his male servants cry, fire, fire, fire, fire! his serving-maids and women yell, stop thief, stop thief! and all his children shout as loud as ever they could, murder, o murder, murder! then was it not high time for him to leave his banqueting, for application of a remedy in haste, and to give speedy order for succouring of his distressed household? truly i remember that the cabalists and massorets, interpreters of the sacred scriptures, in treating how with verity one might judge of evangelical apparitions (because oftentimes the angel of satan is disguised and transfigured into an angel of light), said that the difference of these two mainly did consist in this: the favourable and comforting angel useth in his appearing unto man at first to terrify and hugely affright him, but in the end he bringeth consolation, leaveth the person who hath seen him joyful, well-pleased, fully content, and satisfied; on the other side, the angel of perdition, that wicked, devilish, and malignant spirit, at his appearance unto any person in the beginning cheereth up the heart of his beholder, but at last forsakes him, and leaves him troubled, angry, and perplexed. chapter 3.xv. panurge's excuse and exposition of the monastic mystery concerning powdered beef. the lord save those who see, and do not hear! quoth panurge. i see you well enough, but know not what it is that you have said. the hunger-starved belly wanteth ears. for lack of victuals, before god, i roar, bray, yell, and fume as in a furious madness. i have performed too hard a task to-day, an extraordinary work indeed. he shall be craftier, and do far greater wonders than ever did mr. mush, who shall be able any more this year to bring me on the stage of preparation for a dreaming verdict. fie! not to sup at all, that is the devil. pox take that fashion! come, friar john, let us go break our fast; for, if i hit on such a round refection in the morning as will serve thoroughly to fill the mill-hopper and hogs-hide of my stomach, and furnish it with meat and drink sufficient, then at a pinch, as in the case of some extreme necessity which presseth, i could make a shift that day to forbear dining. but not to sup! a plague rot that base custom, which is an error offensive to nature! that lady made the day for exercise, to travel, work, wait on and labour in each his negotiation and employment; and that we may with the more fervency and ardour prosecute our business, she sets before us a clear burning candle, to wit, the sun's resplendency; and at night, when she begins to take the light from us, she thereby tacitly implies no less than if she would have spoken thus unto us: my lads and lasses, all of you are good and honest folks, you have wrought well to-day, toiled and turmoiled enough,--the night approacheth,--therefore cast off these moiling cares of yours, desist from all your swinking painful labours, and set your minds how to refresh your bodies in the renewing of their vigour with good bread, choice wine, and store of wholesome meats; then may you take some sport and recreation, and after that lie down and rest yourselves, that you may strongly, nimbly, lustily, and with the more alacrity to-morrow attend on your affairs as formerly. falconers, in like manner, when they have fed their hawks, will not suffer them to fly on a full gorge, but let them on a perch abide a little, that they may rouse, bait, tower, and soar the better. that good pope who was the first institutor of fasting understood this well enough; for he ordained that our fast should reach but to the hour of noon; all the remainder of that day was at our disposure, freely to eat and feed at any time thereof. in ancient times there were but few that dined, as you would say, some church men, monks and canons; for they have little other occupation. each day is a festival unto them, who diligently heed the claustral proverb, de missa ad mensam. they do not use to linger and defer their sitting down and placing of themselves at table, only so long as they have a mind in waiting for the coming of the abbot; so they fell to without ceremony, terms, or conditions; and everybody supped, unless it were some vain, conceited, dreaming dotard. hence was a supper called coena, which showeth that it is common to all sorts of people. thou knowest it well, friar john. come, let us go, my dear friend, in the name of all the devils of the infernal regions, let us go. the gnawings of my stomach in this rage of hunger are so tearing, that they make it bark like a mastiff. let us throw some bread and beef into his throat to pacify him, as once the sibyl did to cerberus. thou likest best monastical brewis, the prime, the flower of the pot. i am for the solid, principal verb that comes after --the good brown loaf, always accompanied with a round slice of the nine-lecture-powdered labourer. i know thy meaning, answered friar john; this metaphor is extracted out of the claustral kettle. the labourer is the ox that hath wrought and done the labour; after the fashion of nine lectures, that is to say, most exquisitely well and thoroughly boiled. these holy religious fathers, by a certain cabalistic institution of the ancients, not written, but carefully by tradition conveyed from hand to hand, rising betimes to go to morning prayers, were wont to flourish that their matutinal devotion with some certain notable preambles before their entry into the church, viz., they dunged in the dungeries, pissed in the pisseries, spit in the spitteries, melodiously coughed in the cougheries, and doted in their dotaries, that to the divine service they might not bring anything that was unclean or foul. these things thus done, they very zealously made their repair to the holy chapel, for so was in their canting language termed the convent kitchen, where they with no small earnestness had care that the beef-pot should be put on the crook for the breakfast of the religious brothers of our lord and saviour; and the fire they would kindle under the pot themselves. now, the matins consisting of nine lessons, (it) it was so incumbent on them, that must have risen the rather for the more expedite despatching of them all. the sooner that they rose, the sharper was their appetite and the barkings of their stomachs, and the gnawings increased in the like proportion, and consequently made these godly men thrice more a-hungered and athirst than when their matins were hemmed over only with three lessons. the more betimes they rose, by the said cabal, the sooner was the beef-pot put on; the longer that the beef was on the fire, the better it was boiled; the more it boiled, it was the tenderer; the tenderer that it was, the less it troubled the teeth, delighted more the palate, less charged the stomach, and nourished our good religious men the more substantially; which is the only end and prime intention of the first founders, as appears by this, that they eat not to live, but live to eat, and in this world have nothing but their life. let us go, panurge. now have i understood thee, quoth panurge, my plushcod friar, my caballine and claustral ballock. i freely quit the costs, interest, and charges, seeing you have so egregiously commented upon the most especial chapter of the culinary and monastic cabal. come along, my carpalin, and you, friar john, my leather-dresser. good morrow to you all, my good lords; i have dreamed too much to have so little. let us go. panurge had no sooner done speaking than epistemon with a loud voice said these words: it is a very ordinary and common thing amongst men to conceive, foresee, know, and presage the misfortune, bad luck, or disaster of another; but to have the understanding, providence, knowledge, and prediction of a man's own mishap is very scarce and rare to be found anywhere. this is exceeding judiciously and prudently deciphered by aesop in his apologues, who there affirmeth that every man in the world carrieth about his neck a wallet, in the fore-bag whereof were contained the faults and mischances of others always exposed to his view and knowledge; and in the other scrip thereof, which hangs behind, are kept the bearer's proper transgressions and inauspicious adventures, at no time seen by him, nor thought upon, unless he be a person that hath a favourable aspect from the heavens. chapter 3.xvi. how pantagruel adviseth panurge to consult with the sibyl of panzoust. a little while thereafter pantagruel sent for panurge and said unto him, the affection which i bear you being now inveterate and settled in my mind by a long continuance of time, prompteth me to the serious consideration of your welfare and profit; in order whereto, remark what i have thought thereon. it hath been told me that at panzoust, near crouly, dwelleth a very famous sibyl, who is endowed with the skill of foretelling all things to come. take epistemon in your company, repair towards her, and hear what she will say unto you. she is possibly, quoth epistemon, some canidia, sagana, or pythonissa, either whereof with us is vulgarly called a witch, --i being the more easily induced to give credit to the truth of this character of her, that the place of her abode is vilely stained with the abominable repute of abounding more with sorcerers and witches than ever did the plains of thessaly. i should not, to my thinking, go thither willingly, for that it seems to me a thing unwarrantable, and altogether forbidden in the law of moses. we are not jews, quoth pantagruel, nor is it a matter judiciously confessed by her, nor authentically proved by others that she is a witch. let us for the present suspend our judgment, and defer till after your return from thence the sifting and garbling of those niceties. do we know but that she may be an eleventh sibyl or a second cassandra? but although she were neither, and she did not merit the name or title of any of these renowned prophetesses, what hazard, in the name of god, do you run by offering to talk and confer with her of the instant perplexity and perturbation of your thoughts? seeing especially, and which is most of all, she is, in the estimation of those that are acquainted with her, held to know more, and to be of a deeper reach of understanding, than is either customary to the country wherein she liveth or to the sex whereof she is. what hindrance, hurt, or harm doth the laudable desire of knowledge bring to any man, were it from a sot, a pot, a fool, a stool, a winter mitten, a truckle for a pulley, the lid of a goldsmith's crucible, an oil-bottle, or old slipper? you may remember to have read, or heard at least, that alexander the great, immediately after his having obtained a glorious victory over the king darius in arbela, refused, in the presence of the splendid and illustrious courtiers that were about him, to give audience to a poor certain despicable-like fellow, who through the solicitations and mediation of some of his royal attendants was admitted humbly to beg that grace and favour of him. but sore did he repent, although in vain, a thousand and ten thousand times thereafter, the surly state which he then took upon him to the denial of so just a suit, the grant whereof would have been worth unto him the value of a brace of potent cities. he was indeed victorious in persia, but withal so far distant from macedonia, his hereditary kingdom, that the joy of the one did not expel the extreme grief which through occasion of the other he had inwardly conceived; for, not being able with all his power to find or invent a convenient mean and expedient how to get or come by the certainty of any news from thence, both by reason of the huge remoteness of the places from one to another, as also because of the impeditive interposition of many great rivers, the interjacent obstacle of divers wild deserts, and obstructive interjection of sundry almost inaccessible mountains,--whilst he was in this sad quandary and solicitous pensiveness, which, you may suppose, could not be of a small vexation to him, considering that it was a matter of no great difficulty to run over his whole native soil, possess his country, seize on his kingdom, install a new king in the throne, and plant thereon foreign colonies, long before he could come to have any advertisement of it: for obviating the jeopardy of so dreadful inconveniency, and putting a fit remedy thereto, a certain sidonian merchant of a low stature but high fancy, very poor in show, and to the outward appearance of little or no account, having presented himself before him, went about to affirm and declare that he had excogitated and hit upon a ready mean and way by the which those of his territories at home should come to the certain notice of his indian victories, and himself be perfectly informed of the state and condition of egypt and macedonia within less than five days. whereupon the said alexander, plunged into a sullen animadvertency of mind, through his rash opinion of the improbability of performing a so strange and impossible-like undertaking, dismissed the merchant without giving ear to what he had to say, and vilified him. what could it have cost him to hearken unto what the honest man had invented and contrived for his good? what detriment, annoyance, damage, or loss could he have undergone to listen to the discovery of that secret which the good fellow would have most willingly revealed unto him? nature, i am persuaded, did not without a cause frame our ears open, putting thereto no gate at all, nor shutting them up with any manner of enclosures, as she hath done unto the tongue, the eyes, and other such out-jetting parts of the body. the cause, as i imagine, is to the end that every day and every night, and that continually, we may be ready to hear, and by a perpetual hearing apt to learn. for, of all the senses, it is the fittest for the reception of the knowledge of arts, sciences, and disciplines; and it may be that man was an angel, that is to say, a messenger sent from god, as raphael was to tobit. too suddenly did he contemn, despise, and misregard him; but too long thereafter, by an untimely and too late repentance, did he do penance for it. you say very well, answered epistemon, yet shall you never for all that induce me to believe that it can tend any way to the advantage or commodity of a man to take advice and counsel of a woman, namely, of such a woman, and the woman of such a country. truly i have found, quoth panurge, a great deal of good in the counsel of women, chiefly in that of the old wives amongst them; for every time i consult with them i readily get a stool or two extraordinary, to the great solace of my bumgut passage. they are as sleuthhounds in the infallibility of their scent, and in their sayings no less sententious than the rubrics of the law. therefore in my conceit it is not an improper kind of speech to call them sage or wise women. in confirmation of which opinion of mine, the customary style of my language alloweth them the denomination of presage women. the epithet of sage is due unto them because they are surpassing dexterous in the knowledge of most things. and i give them the title of presage, for that they divinely foresee and certainly foretell future contingencies and events of things to come. sometimes i call them not maunettes, but monettes, from their wholesome monitions. whether it be so, ask pythagoras, socrates, empedocles, and our master ortuinus. i furthermore praise and commend above the skies the ancient memorable institution of the pristine germans, who ordained the responses and documents of old women to be highly extolled, most cordially reverenced, and prized at a rate in nothing inferior to the weight, test, and standard of the sanctuary. and as they were respectfully prudent in receiving of these sound advices, so by honouring and following them did they prove no less fortunate in the happy success of all their endeavours. witness the old wife aurinia, and the good mother velled, in the days of vespasian. you need not any way doubt but that feminine old age is always fructifying in qualities sublime--i would have said sibylline. let us go, by the help, let us go, by the virtue of god, let us go. farewell, friar john, i recommend the care of my codpiece to you. well, quoth epistemon, i will follow you, with this protestation nevertheless, that if i happen to get a sure information, or otherwise find that she doth use any kind of charm or enchantment in her responses, it may not be imputed to me for a blame to leave you at the gate of her house, without accompanying you any further in. chapter 3.xvii. how panurge spoke to the sibyl of panzoust. their voyage was three days journeying. on the third whereof was shown unto them the house of the vaticinatress standing on the knap or top of a hill, under a large and spacious walnut-tree. without great difficulty they entered into that straw-thatched cottage, scurvily built, naughtily movabled, and all besmoked. it matters not, quoth epistemon; heraclitus, the grand scotist and tenebrous darksome philosopher, was nothing astonished at his introit into such a coarse and paltry habitation; for he did usually show forth unto his sectators and disciples that the gods made as cheerfully their residence in these mean homely mansions as in sumptuous magnific palaces, replenished with all manner of delight, pomp, and pleasure. i withal do really believe that the dwelling-place of the so famous and renowned hecate was just such another petty cell as this is, when she made a feast therein to the valiant theseus; and that of no other better structure was the cot or cabin of hyreus, or oenopion, wherein jupiter, neptune, and mercury were not ashamed, all three together, to harbour and sojourn a whole night, and there to take a full and hearty repast; for the payment of the shot they thankfully pissed orion. they finding the ancient woman at a corner of her own chimney, epistemon said, she is indeed a true sibyl, and the lively portrait of one represented by the grei kaminoi of homer. the old hag was in a pitiful bad plight and condition in matter of the outward state and complexion of her body, the ragged and tattered equipage of her person in the point of accoutrement, and beggarly poor provision of fare for her diet and entertainment; for she was ill apparelled, worse nourished, toothless, blear-eyed, crook-shouldered, snotty, her nose still dropping, and herself still drooping, faint, and pithless; whilst in this woefully wretched case she was making ready for her dinner porridge of wrinkled green coleworts, with a bit skin of yellow bacon, mixed with a twice-before-cooked sort of waterish, unsavoury broth, extracted out of bare and hollow bones. epistemon said, by the cross of a groat, we are to blame, nor shall we get from her any response at all, for we have not brought along with us the branch of gold. i have, quoth panurge, provided pretty well for that, for here i have it within my bag, in the substance of a gold ring, accompanied with some fair pieces of small money. no sooner were these words spoken, when panurge coming up towards her, after the ceremonial performance of a profound and humble salutation, presented her with six neat's tongues dried in the smoke, a great butter-pot full of fresh cheese, a borachio furnished with good beverage, and a ram's cod stored with single pence, newly coined. at last he, with a low courtesy, put on her medical finger a pretty handsome golden ring, whereinto was right artificially enchased a precious toadstone of beausse. this done, in few words and very succinctly, did he set open and expose unto her the motive reason of his coming, most civilly and courteously entreating her that she might be pleased to vouchsafe to give him an ample and plenary intelligence concerning the future good luck of his intended marriage. the old trot for a while remained silent, pensive, and grinning like a dog; then, after she had set her withered breech upon the bottom of a bushel, she took into her hands three old spindles, which when she had turned and whirled betwixt her fingers very diversely and after several fashions, she pried more narrowly into, by the trial of their points, the sharpest whereof she retained in her hand, and threw the other two under a stone trough. after this she took a pair of yarn windles, which she nine times unintermittedly veered and frisked about; then at the ninth revolution or turn, without touching them any more, maturely perpending the manner of their motion, she very demurely waited on their repose and cessation from any further stirring. in sequel whereof she pulled off one of her wooden pattens, put her apron over her head, as a priest uses to do his amice when he is going to sing mass, and with a kind of antique, gaudy, party-coloured string knit it under her neck. being thus covered and muffled, she whiffed off a lusty good draught out of the borachio, took three several pence forth of the ramcod fob, put them into so many walnut-shells, which she set down upon the bottom of a feather-pot, and then, after she had given them three whisks of a broom besom athwart the chimney, casting into the fire half a bavin of long heather, together with a branch of dry laurel, she observed with a very hush and coy silence in what form they did burn, and saw that, although they were in a flame, they made no kind of noise or crackling din. hereupon she gave a most hideous and horribly dreadful shout, muttering betwixt her teeth some few barbarous words of a strange termination. this so terrified panurge that he forthwith said to epistemon, the devil mince me into a gallimaufry if i do not tremble for fear! i do not think but that i am now enchanted; for she uttereth not her voice in the terms of any christian language. o look, i pray you, how she seemeth unto me to be by three full spans higher than she was when she began to hood herself with her apron. what meaneth this restless wagging of her slouchy chaps? what can be the signification of the uneven shrugging of her hulchy shoulders? to what end doth she quaver with her lips, like a monkey in the dismembering of a lobster? my ears through horror glow; ah! how they tingle! i think i hear the shrieking of proserpina; the devils are breaking loose to be all here. o the foul, ugly, and deformed beasts! let us run away! by the hook of god, i am like to die for fear! i do not love the devils; they vex me, and are unpleasant fellows. now let us fly, and betake us to our heels. farewell, gammer; thanks and gramercy for your goods! i will not marry; no, believe me, i will not. i fairly quit my interest therein, and totally abandon and renounce it from this time forward, even as much as at present. with this, as he endeavoured to make an escape out of the room, the old crone did anticipate his flight and make him stop. the way how she prevented him was this: whilst in her hand she held the spindle, she flung out to a back-yard close by her lodge, where, after she had peeled off the barks of an old sycamore three several times, she very summarily, upon eight leaves which dropped from thence, wrote with the spindle-point some curt and briefly-couched verses, which she threw into the air, then said unto them, search after them if you will; find them if you can; the fatal destinies of your marriage are written in them. no sooner had she done thus speaking than she did withdraw herself unto her lurking-hole, where on the upper seat of the porch she tucked up her gown, her coats, and smock, as high as her armpits, and gave them a full inspection of the nockandroe; which being perceived by panurge, he said to epistemon, god's bodikins, i see the sibyl's hole! she suddenly then bolted the gate behind her, and was never since seen any more. they jointly ran in haste after the fallen and dispersed leaves, and gathered them at last, though not without great labour and toil, for the wind had scattered them amongst the thorn-bushes of the valley. when they had ranged them each after other in their due places, they found out their sentence, as it is metrified in this octastich: thy fame upheld (properly, as corrected by ozell: thy fame will be shell'd by her, i trow.), even so, so: and she with child of thee: no. thy good end suck she shall, and flay thee, friend, but not all. chapter 3.xviii. how pantagruel and panurge did diversely expound the verses of the sibyl of panzoust. the leaves being thus collected and orderly disposed, epistemon and panurge returned to pantagruel's court, partly well pleased and other part discontented; glad for their being come back, and vexed for the trouble they had sustained by the way, which they found to be craggy, rugged, stony, rough, and ill-adjusted. they made an ample and full relation of their voyage unto pantagruel, as likewise of the estate and condition of the sibyl. then, having presented to him the leaves of the sycamore, they show him the short and twattle verses that were written in them. pantagruel, having read and considered the whole sum and substance of the matter, fetched from his heart a deep and heavy sigh; then said to panurge, you are now, forsooth, in a good taking, and have brought your hogs to a fine market. the prophecy of the sibyl doth explain and lay out before us the same very predictions which have been denoted, foretold, and presaged to us by the decree of the virgilian lots and the verdict of your own proper dreams, to wit, that you shall be very much disgraced, shamed, and discredited by your wife; for that she will make you a cuckold in prostituting herself to others, being big with child by another than you, --will steal from you a great deal of your goods, and will beat you, scratch and bruise you, even to plucking the skin in a part from off you,--will leave the print of her blows in some member of your body. you understand as much, answered panurge, in the veritable interpretation and expounding of recent prophecies as a sow in the matter of spicery. be not offended, sir, i beseech you, that i speak thus boldly; for i find myself a little in choler, and that not without cause, seeing it is the contrary that is true. take heed, and give attentive ear unto my words. the old wife said that, as the bean is not seen till first it be unhusked, and that its swad or hull be shelled and peeled from off it, so is it that my virtue and transcendent worth will never come by the mouth of fame to be blazed abroad proportionable to the height, extent, and measure of the excellency thereof, until preallably i get a wife and make the full half of a married couple. how many times have i heard you say that the function of a magistrate, or office of dignity, discovereth the merits, parts, and endowments of the person so advanced and promoted, and what is in him. that is to say, we are then best able to judge aright of the deservings of a man when he is called to the management of affairs; for when before he lived in a private condition, we could have no more certain knowledge of him than of a bean within his husk. and thus stands the first article explained; otherwise, could you imagine that the good fame, repute, and estimation of an honest man should depend upon the tail of a whore? now to the meaning of the second article! my wife will be with child, --here lies the prime felicity of marriage,--but not of me. copsody, that i do believe indeed! it will be of a pretty little infant. o how heartily i shall love it! i do already dote upon it; for it will be my dainty feedledarling, my genteel dilly-minion. from thenceforth no vexation, care, or grief shall take such deep impression in my heart, how hugely great or vehement soever it otherwise appear, but that it shall evanish forthwith at the sight of that my future babe, and at the hearing of the chat and prating of its childish gibberish. and blessed be the old wife. by my truly, i have a mind to settle some good revenue or pension upon her out of the readiest increase of the lands of my salmigondinois; not an inconstant and uncertain rent-seek, like that of witless, giddy-headed bachelors, but sure and fixed, of the nature of the well-paid incomes of regenting doctors. if this interpretation doth not please you, think you my wife will bear me in her flanks, conceive with me, and be of me delivered, as women use in childbed to bring forth their young ones; so as that it may be said, panurge is a second bacchus, he hath been twice born; he is re-born, as was hippolytus,--as was proteus, one time of thetis, and secondly, of the mother of the philosopher apollonius,--as were the two palici, near the flood simaethos in sicily. his wife was big of child with him. in him is renewed and begun again the palintocy of the megarians and the palingenesy of democritus. fie upon such errors! to hear stuff of that nature rends mine ears. the words of the third article are: she will suck me at my best end. why not? that pleaseth me right well. you know the thing; i need not tell you that it is my intercrural pudding with one end. i swear and promise that, in what i can, i will preserve it sappy, full of juice, and as well victualled for her use as may be. she shall not suck me, i believe, in vain, nor be destitute of her allowance; there shall her justum both in peck and lippy be furnished to the full eternally. you expound this passage allegorically, and interpret it to theft and larceny. i love the exposition, and the allegory pleaseth me; but not according to the sense whereto you stretch it. it may be that the sincerity of the affection which you bear me moveth you to harbour in your breast those refractory thoughts concerning me, with a suspicion of my adversity to come. we have this saying from the learned, that a marvellously fearful thing is love, and that true love is never without fear. but, sir, according to my judgment, you do understand both of and by yourself that here stealth signifieth nothing else, no more than in a thousand other places of greek and latin, old and modern writings, but the sweet fruits of amorous dalliance, which venus liketh best when reaped in secret, and culled by fervent lovers filchingly. why so, i prithee tell? because, when the feat of the loose-coat skirmish happeneth to be done underhand and privily, between two well-disposed, athwart the steps of a pair of stairs lurkingly, and in covert behind a suit of hangings, or close hid and trussed upon an unbound faggot, it is more pleasing to the cyprian goddess, and to me also --i speak this without prejudice to any better or more sound opinion--than to perform that culbusting art after the cynic manner, in the view of the clear sunshine, or in a rich tent, under a precious stately canopy, within a glorious and sublime pavilion, or yet on a soft couch betwixt rich curtains of cloth of gold, without affrightment, at long intermediate respites, enjoying of pleasures and delights a bellyfull, at all great ease, with a huge fly-flap fan of crimson satin and a bunch of feathers of some east-indian ostrich serving to give chase unto the flies all round about; whilst, in the interim, the female picks her teeth with a stiff straw picked even then from out of the bottom of the bed she lies on. if you be not content with this my exposition, are you of the mind that my wife will suck and sup me up as people use to gulp and swallow oysters out of the shell? or as the cilician women, according to the testimony of dioscorides, were wont to do the grain of alkermes? assuredly that is an error. who seizeth on it, doth neither gulch up nor swill down, but takes away what hath been packed up, catcheth, snatcheth, and plies the play of hey-pass, repass. the fourth article doth imply that my wife will flay me, but not all. o the fine word! you interpret this to beating strokes and blows. speak wisely. will you eat a pudding? sir, i beseech you to raise up your spirits above the low-sized pitch of earthly thoughts unto that height of sublime contemplation which reacheth to the apprehension of the mysteries and wonders of dame nature. and here be pleased to condemn yourself, by a renouncing of those errors which you have committed very grossly and somewhat perversely in expounding the prophetic sayings of the holy sibyl. yet put the case (albeit i yield not to it) that, by the instigation of the devil, my wife should go about to wrong me, make me a cuckold downwards to the very breech, disgrace me otherwise, steal my goods from me, yea, and lay violently her hands upon me;--she nevertheless should fail of her attempts and not attain to the proposed end of her unreasonable undertakings. the reason which induceth me hereto is grounded totally on this last point, which is extracted from the profoundest privacies of a monastic pantheology, as good friar arthur wagtail told me once upon a monday morning, as we were (if i have not forgot) eating a bushel of trotter-pies; and i remember well it rained hard. god give him the good morrow! the women at the beginning of the world, or a little after, conspired to flay the men quick, because they found the spirit of mankind inclined to domineer it, and bear rule over them upon the face of the whole earth; and, in pursuit of this their resolution, promised, confirmed, swore, and covenanted amongst them all, by the pure faith they owe to the nocturnal sanct rogero. but o the vain enterprises of women! o the great fragility of that sex feminine! they did begin to flay the man, or peel him (as says catullus), at that member which of all the body they loved best, to wit, the nervous and cavernous cane, and that above five thousand years ago; yet have they not of that small part alone flayed any more till this hour but the head. in mere despite whereof the jews snip off that parcel of the skin in circumcision, choosing far rather to be called clipyards, rascals, than to be flayed by women, as are other nations. my wife, according to this female covenant, will flay it to me, if it be not so already. i heartily grant my consent thereto, but will not give her leave to flay it all. nay, truly will i not, my noble king. yea but, quoth epistemon, you say nothing of her most dreadful cries and exclamations when she and we both saw the laurel-bough burn without yielding any noise or crackling. you know it is a very dismal omen, an inauspicious sign, unlucky indice, and token formidable, bad, disastrous, and most unhappy, as is certified by propertius, tibullus, the quick philosopher porphyrius, eustathius on the iliads of homer, and by many others. verily, verily, quoth panurge, brave are the allegations which you bring me, and testimonies of two-footed calves. these men were fools, as they were poets; and dotards, as they were philosophers; full of folly, as they were of philosophy. chapter 3.xix. how pantagruel praiseth the counsel of dumb men. pantagruel, when this discourse was ended, held for a pretty while his peace, seeming to be exceeding sad and pensive, then said to panurge, the malignant spirit misleads, beguileth, and seduceth you. i have read that in times past the surest and most veritable oracles were not those which either were delivered in writing or uttered by word of mouth in speaking. for many times, in their interpretation, right witty, learned, and ingenious men have been deceived through amphibologies, equivoques, and obscurity of words, no less than by the brevity of their sentences. for which cause apollo, the god of vaticination, was surnamed loxias. those which were represented then by signs and outward gestures were accounted the truest and the most infallible. such was the opinion of heraclitus. and jupiter did himself in this manner give forth in ammon frequently predictions. nor was he single in this practice; for apollo did the like amongst the assyrians. his prophesying thus unto those people moved them to paint him with a large long beard, and clothes beseeming an old settled person of a most posed, staid, and grave behaviour; not naked, young, and beardless, as he was portrayed most usually amongst the grecians. let us make trial of this kind of fatidicency; and go you take advice of some dumb person without any speaking. i am content, quoth panurge. but, says pantagruel, it were requisite that the dumb you consult with be such as have been deaf from the hour of their nativity, and consequently dumb; for none can be so lively, natural, and kindly dumb as he who never heard. how is it, quoth panurge, that you conceive this matter? if you apprehend it so, that never any spoke who had not before heard the speech of others, i will from that antecedent bring you to infer very logically a most absurd and paradoxical conclusion. but let it pass; i will not insist on it. you do not then believe what herodotus wrote of two children, who, at the special command and appointment of psammeticus, king of egypt, having been kept in a petty country cottage, where they were nourished and entertained in a perpetual silence, did at last, after a certain long space of time, pronounce this word bec, which in the phrygian language signifieth bread. nothing less, quoth pantagruel, do i believe than that it is a mere abusing of our understandings to give credit to the words of those who say that there is any such thing as a natural language. all speeches have had their primary origin from the arbitrary institutions, accords, and agreements of nations in their respective condescendments to what should be noted and betokened by them. an articulate voice, according to the dialecticians, hath naturally no signification at all; for that the sense and meaning thereof did totally depend upon the good will and pleasure of the first deviser and imposer of it. i do not tell you this without a cause; for bartholus, lib. 5. de verb. oblig., very seriously reporteth that even in his time there was in eugubia one named sir nello de gabrielis, who, although he by a sad mischance became altogether deaf, understood nevertheless everyone that talked in the italian dialect howsoever he expressed himself; and that only by looking on his external gestures, and casting an attentive eye upon the divers motions of his lips and chaps. i have read, i remember also, in a very literate and eloquent author, that tyridates, king of armenia, in the days of nero, made a voyage to rome, where he was received with great honour and solemnity, and with all manner of pomp and magnificence. yea, to the end there might be a sempiternal amity and correspondence preserved betwixt him and the roman senate, there was no remarkable thing in the whole city which was not shown unto him. at his departure the emperor bestowed upon him many ample donatives of an inestimable value; and besides, the more entirely to testify his affection towards him, heartily entreated him to be pleased to make choice of any whatsoever thing in rome was most agreeable to his fancy, with a promise juramentally confirmed that he should not be refused of his demand. thereupon, after a suitable return of thanks for a so gracious offer, he required a certain jack-pudding whom he had seen to act his part most egregiously upon the stage, and whose meaning, albeit he knew not what it was he had spoken, he understood perfectly enough by the signs and gesticulations which he had made. and for this suit of his, in that he asked nothing else, he gave this reason, that in the several wide and spacious dominions which were reduced under the sway and authority of his sovereign government, there were sundry countries and nations much differing from one another in language, with whom, whether he was to speak unto them or give any answer to their requests, he was always necessitated to make use of divers sorts of truchman and interpreters. now with this man alone, sufficient for supplying all their places, will that great inconveniency hereafter be totally removed; seeing he is such a fine gesticulator, and in the practice of chirology an artist so complete, expert, and dexterous, that with his very fingers he doth speak. howsoever, you are to pitch upon such a dumb one as is deaf by nature and from his birth; to the end that his gestures and signs may be the more vively and truly prophetic, and not counterfeit by the intermixture of some adulterate lustre and affectation. yet whether this dumb person shall be of the male or female sex is in your option, lieth at your discretion, and altogether dependeth on your own election. i would more willingly, quoth panurge, consult with and be advised by a dumb woman, were it not that i am afraid of two things. the first is, that the greater part of women, whatever be that they see, do always represent unto their fancies, think, and imagine, that it hath some relation to the sugared entering of the goodly ithyphallos, and graffing in the cleft of the overturned tree the quickset imp of the pin of copulation. whatever signs, shows, or gestures we shall make, or whatever our behaviour, carriage, or demeanour shall happen to be in their view and presence, they will interpret the whole in reference to the act of androgynation and the culbutizing exercise, by which means we shall be abusively disappointed of our designs, in regard that she will take all our signs for nothing else but tokens and representations of our desire to entice her unto the lists of a cyprian combat or catsenconny skirmish. do you remember what happened at rome two hundred and threescore years after the foundation thereof? a young roman gentleman encountering by chance, at the foot of mount celion, with a beautiful latin lady named verona, who from her very cradle upwards had always been both deaf and dumb, very civilly asked her, not without a chironomatic italianizing of his demand, with various jectigation of his fingers and other gesticulations as yet customary amongst the speakers of that country, what senators in her descent from the top of the hill she had met with going up thither. for you are to conceive that he, knowing no more of her deafness than dumbness, was ignorant of both. she in the meantime, who neither heard nor understood so much as one word of what he had said, straight imagined, by all that she could apprehend in the lovely gesture of his manual signs, that what he then required of her was what herself had a great mind to, even that which a young man doth naturally desire of a woman. then was it that by signs, which in all occurrences of venereal love are incomparably more attractive, valid, and efficacious than words, she beckoned to him to come along with her to her house; which when he had done, she drew him aside to a privy room, and then made a most lively alluring sign unto him to show that the game did please her. whereupon, without any more advertisement, or so much as the uttering of one word on either side, they fell to and bringuardized it lustily. the other cause of my being averse from consulting with dumb women is, that to our signs they would make no answer at all, but suddenly fall backwards in a divarication posture, to intimate thereby unto us the reality of their consent to the supposed motion of our tacit demands. or if they should chance to make any countersigns responsory to our propositions, they would prove so foolish, impertinent, and ridiculous, that by them ourselves should easily judge their thoughts to have no excursion beyond the duffling academy. you know very well how at brignoles, when the religious nun, sister fatbum, was made big with child by the young stiffly-stand-to't, her pregnancy came to be known, and she cited by the abbess, and, in a full convention of the convent, accused of incest. her excuse was that she did not consent thereto, but that it was done by the violence and impetuous force of the friar stiffly-stand-to't. hereto the abbess very austerely replying, thou naughty wicked girl, why didst thou not cry, a rape, a rape! then should all of us have run to thy succour. her answer was that the rape was committed in the dortour, where she durst not cry because it was a place of sempiternal silence. but, quoth the abbess, thou roguish wench, why didst not thou then make some sign to those that were in the next chamber beside thee? to this she answered that with her buttocks she made a sign unto them as vigorously as she could, yet never one of them did so much as offer to come to her help and assistance. but, quoth the abbess, thou scurvy baggage, why didst thou not tell it me immediately after the perpetration of the fact, that so we might orderly, regularly, and canonically have accused him? i would have done so, had the case been mine, for the clearer manifestation of mine innocency. i truly, madam, would have done the like with all my heart and soul, quoth sister fatbum, but that fearing i should remain in sin, and in the hazard of eternal damnation, if prevented by a sudden death, i did confess myself to the father friar before he went out of the room, who, for my penance, enjoined me not to tell it, or reveal the matter unto any. it were a most enormous and horrid offence, detestable before god and the angels, to reveal a confession. such an abominable wickedness would have possibly brought down fire from heaven, wherewith to have burnt the whole nunnery, and sent us all headlong to the bottomless pit, to bear company with korah, dathan, and abiram. you will not, quoth pantagruel, with all your jesting, make me laugh. i know that all the monks, friars, and nuns had rather violate and infringe the highest of the commandments of god than break the least of their provincial statutes. take you therefore goatsnose, a man very fit for your present purpose; for he is, and hath been, both dumb and deaf from the very remotest infancy of his childhood. chapter 3.xx. how goatsnose by signs maketh answer to panurge. goatsnose being sent for, came the day thereafter to pantagruel's court; at his arrival to which panurge gave him a fat calf, the half of a hog, two puncheons of wine, one load of corn, and thirty francs of small money; then, having brought him before pantagruel, in presence of the gentlemen of the bed-chamber he made this sign unto him. he yawned a long time, and in yawning made without his mouth with the thumb of his right hand the figure of the greek letter tau by frequent reiterations. afterwards he lifted up his eyes to heavenwards, then turned them in his head like a she-goat in the painful fit of an absolute birth, in doing whereof he did cough and sigh exceeding heavily. this done, after that he had made demonstration of the want of his codpiece, he from under his shirt took his placket-racket in a full grip, making it therewithal clack very melodiously betwixt his thighs; then, no sooner had he with his body stooped a little forwards, and bowed his left knee, but that immediately thereupon holding both his arms on his breast, in a loose faint-like posture, the one over the other, he paused awhile. goatsnose looked wistly upon him, and having heedfully enough viewed him all over, he lifted up into the air his left hand, the whole fingers whereof he retained fistwise close together, except the thumb and the forefinger, whose nails he softly joined and coupled to one another. i understand, quoth pantagruel, what he meaneth by that sign. it denotes marriage, and withal the number thirty, according to the profession of the pythagoreans. you will be married. thanks to you, quoth panurge, in turning himself towards goatsnose, my little sewer, pretty master's mate, dainty bailie, curious sergeant-marshal, and jolly catchpole-leader. then did he lift higher up than before his said left hand, stretching out all the five fingers thereof, and severing them as wide from one another as he possibly could get done. here, says pantagruel, doth he more amply and fully insinuate unto us, by the token which he showeth forth of the quinary number, that you shall be married. yea, that you shall not only be affianced, betrothed, wedded, and married, but that you shall furthermore cohabit and live jollily and merrily with your wife; for pythagoras called five the nuptial number, which, together with marriage, signifieth the consummation of matrimony, because it is composed of a ternary, the first of the odd, and binary, the first of the even numbers, as of a male and female knit and united together. in very deed it was the fashion of old in the city of rome at marriage festivals to light five wax tapers; nor was it permitted to kindle any more at the magnific nuptials of the most potent and wealthy, nor yet any fewer at the penurious weddings of the poorest and most abject of the world. moreover, in times past, the heathen or paynims implored the assistance of five deities, or of one helpful, at least, in five several good offices to those that were to be married. of this sort were the nuptial jove, juno, president of the feast, the fair venus, pitho, the goddess of eloquence and persuasion, and diana, whose aid and succour was required to the labour of child-bearing. then shouted panurge, o the gentle goatsnose, i will give him a farm near cinais, and a windmill hard by mirebalais! hereupon the dumb fellow sneezeth with an impetuous vehemency and huge concussion of the spirits of the whole body, withdrawing himself in so doing with a jerking turn towards the left hand. by the body of a fox new slain, quoth pantagruel, what is that? this maketh nothing for your advantage; for he betokeneth thereby that your marriage will be inauspicious and unfortunate. this sneezing, according to the doctrine of terpsion, is the socratic demon. if done towards the right side, it imports and portendeth that boldly and with all assurance one may go whither he will and do what he listeth, according to what deliberation he shall be pleased to have thereupon taken; his entries in the beginning, progress in his proceedings, and success in the events and issues will be all lucky, good, and happy. the quite contrary thereto is thereby implied and presaged if it be done towards the left. you, quoth panurge, do take always the matter at the worst, and continually, like another davus, casteth in new disturbances and obstructions; nor ever yet did i know this old paltry terpsion worthy of citation but in points only of cosenage and imposture. nevertheless, quoth pantagruel, cicero hath written i know not what to the same purpose in his second book of divination. panurge then, turning himself towards goatsnose, made this sign unto him. he inverted his eyelids upwards, wrenched his jaws from the right to the left side, and drew forth his tongue half out of his mouth. this done, he posited his left hand wholly open, the mid-finger wholly excepted, which was perpendicularly placed upon the palm thereof, and set it just in the room where his codpiece had been. then did he keep his right hand altogether shut up in a fist, save only the thumb, which he straight turned backwards directly under the right armpit, and settled it afterwards on that most eminent part of the buttocks which the arabs call the al-katim. suddenly thereafter he made this interchange: he held his right hand after the manner of the left, and posited it on the place wherein his codpiece sometime was, and retaining his left hand in the form and fashion of the right, he placed it upon his al-katim. this altering of hands did he reiterate nine several times; at the last whereof he reseated his eyelids into their own first natural position. then doing the like also with his jaws and tongue, he did cast a squinting look upon goatsnose, diddering and shivering his chaps, as apes use to do nowadays, and rabbits, whilst, almost starved with hunger, they are eating oats in the sheaf. then was it that goatsnose, lifting up into the air his right hand wholly open and displayed, put the thumb thereof, even close unto its first articulation, between the two third joints of the middle and ring fingers, pressing about the said thumb thereof very hard with them both, and, whilst the remanent joints were contracted and shrunk in towards the wrist, he stretched forth with as much straightness as he could the fore and little fingers. that hand thus framed and disposed of he laid and posited upon panurge's navel, moving withal continually the aforesaid thumb, and bearing up, supporting, or under-propping that hand upon the above-specified fore and little fingers, as upon two legs. thereafter did he make in this posture his hand by little and little, and by degrees and pauses, successively to mount from athwart the belly to the stomach, from whence he made it to ascend to the breast, even upwards to panurge's neck, still gaining ground, till, having reached his chin, he had put within the concave of his mouth his afore-mentioned thumb; then fiercely brandishing the whole hand, which he made to rub and grate against his nose, he heaved it further up, and made the fashion as if with the thumb thereof he would have put out his eyes. with this panurge grew a little angry, and went about to withdraw and rid himself from this ruggedly untoward dumb devil. but goatsnose in the meantime, prosecuting the intended purpose of his prognosticatory response, touched very rudely, with the above-mentioned shaking thumb, now his eyes, then his forehead, and after that the borders and corners of his cap. at last panurge cried out, saying, before god, master fool, if you do not let me alone, or that you will presume to vex me any more, you shall receive from the best hand i have a mask wherewith to cover your rascally scroundrel face, you paltry shitten varlet. then said friar john, he is deaf, and doth not understand what thou sayest unto him. bulliballock, make sign to him of a hail of fisticuffs upon the muzzle. what the devil, quoth panurge, means this busy restless fellow? what is it that this polypragmonetic ardelion to all the fiends of hell doth aim at? he hath almost thrust out mine eyes, as if he had been to poach them in a skillet with butter and eggs. by god, da jurandi, i will feast you with flirts and raps on the snout, interlarded with a double row of bobs and finger-fillipings! then did he leave him in giving him by way of salvo a volley of farts for his farewell. goatsnose, perceiving panurge thus to slip away from him, got before him, and, by mere strength enforcing him to stand, made this sign unto him. he let fall his right arm toward his knee on the same side as low as he could, and, raising all the fingers of that hand into a close fist, passed his dexter thumb betwixt the foremost and mid fingers thereto belonging. then scrubbing and swingeing a little with his left hand alongst and upon the uppermost in the very bough of the elbow of the said dexter arm, the whole cubit thereof, by leisure, fair and softly, at these thumpatory warnings, did raise and elevate itself even to the elbow, and above it; on a sudden did he then let it fall down as low as before, and after that, at certain intervals and such spaces of time, raising and abasing it, he made a show thereof to panurge. this so incensed panurge that he forthwith lifted his hand to have stricken him the dumb roister and given him a sound whirret on the ear, but that the respect and reverence which he carried to the presence of pantagruel restrained his choler and kept his fury within bounds and limits. then said pantagruel, if the bare signs now vex and trouble you, how much more grievously will you be perplexed and disquieted with the real things which by them are represented and signified! all truths agree and are consonant with one another. this dumb fellow prophesieth and foretelleth that you will be married, cuckolded, beaten, and robbed. as for the marriage, quoth panurge, i yield thereto, and acknowledge the verity of that point of his prediction; as for the rest, i utterly abjure and deny it: and believe, sir, i beseech you, if it may please you so to do, that in the matter of wives and horses never any man was predestinated to a better fortune than i. chapter 3.xxi. how panurge consulteth with an old french poet, named raminagrobis. i never thought, said pantagruel, to have encountered with any man so headstrong in his apprehensions, or in his opinions so wilful, as i have found you to be and see you are. nevertheless, the better to clear and extricate your doubts, let us try all courses, and leave no stone unturned nor wind unsailed by. take good heed to what i am to say unto you. the swans, which are fowls consecrated to apollo, never chant but in the hour of their approaching death, especially in the meander flood, which is a river that runneth along some of the territories of phrygia. this i say, because aelianus and alexander myndius write that they had seen several swans in other places die, but never heard any of them sing or chant before their death. however, it passeth for current that the imminent death of a swan is presaged by his foregoing song, and that no swan dieth until preallably he have sung. after the same manner, poets, who are under the protection of apollo, when they are drawing near their latter end do ordinarily become prophets, and by the inspiration of that god sing sweetly in vaticinating things which are to come. it hath been likewise told me frequently, that old decrepit men upon the brinks of charon's banks do usher their decease with a disclosure all at ease, to those that are desirous of such informations, of the determinate and assured truth of future accidents and contingencies. i remember also that aristophanes, in a certain comedy of his, calleth the old folks sibyls, eith o geron zibullia. for as when, being upon a pier by the shore, we see afar off mariners, seafaring men, and other travellers alongst the curled waves of azure thetis within their ships, we then consider them in silence only, and seldom proceed any further than to wish them a happy and prosperous arrival; but when they do approach near to the haven, and come to wet their keels within their harbour, then both with words and gestures we salute them, and heartily congratulate their access safe to the port wherein we are ourselves. just so the angels, heroes, and good demons, according to the doctrine of the platonics, when they see mortals drawing near unto the harbour of the grave, as the most sure and calmest port of any, full of repose, ease, rest, tranquillity, free from the troubles and solicitudes of this tumultuous and tempestuous world; then is it that they with alacrity hail and salute them, cherish and comfort them, and, speaking to them lovingly, begin even then to bless them with illuminations, and to communicate unto them the abstrusest mysteries of divination. i will not offer here to confound your memory by quoting antique examples of isaac, of jacob, of patroclus towards hector, of hector towards achilles, of polymnestor towards agamemnon, of hecuba, of the rhodian renowned by posidonius, of calanus the indian towards alexander the great, of orodes towards mezentius, and of many others. it shall suffice for the present that i commemorate unto you the learned and valiant knight and cavalier william of bellay, late lord of langey, who died on the hill of tarara, the 10th of january, in the climacteric year of his age, and of our supputation 1543, according to the roman account. the last three or four hours of his life he did employ in the serious utterance of a very pithy discourse, whilst with a clear judgment and spirit void of all trouble he did foretell several important things, whereof a great deal is come to pass, and the rest we wait for. howbeit, his prophecies did at that time seem unto us somewhat strange, absurd, and unlikely, because there did not then appear any sign of efficacy enough to engage our faith to the belief of what he did prognosticate. we have here, near to the town of villomere, a man that is both old and a poet, to wit, raminagrobis, who to his second wife espoused my lady broadsow, on whom he begot the fair basoche. it hath been told me he is a-dying, and so near unto his latter end that he is almost upon the very last moment, point, and article thereof. repair thither as fast as you can, and be ready to give an attentive ear to what he shall chant unto you. it may be that you shall obtain from him what you desire, and that apollo will be pleased by his means to clear your scruples. i am content, quoth panurge. let us go thither, epistemon, and that both instantly and in all haste, lest otherwise his death prevent our coming. wilt thou come along with us, friar john? yes, that i will, quoth friar john, right heartily to do thee a courtesy, my billy-ballocks; for i love thee with the best of my milt and liver. thereupon, incontinently, without any further lingering, to the way they all three went, and quickly thereafter--for they made good speed--arriving at the poetical habitation, they found the jolly old man, albeit in the agony of his departure from this world, looking cheerfully, with an open countenance, splendid aspect, and behaviour full of alacrity. after that panurge had very civilly saluted him, he in a free gift did present him with a gold ring, which he even then put upon the medical finger of his left hand, in the collet or bezel whereof was enchased an oriental sapphire, very fair and large. then, in imitation of socrates, did he make an oblation unto him of a fair white cock, which was no sooner set upon the tester of his bed, than that, with a high raised head and crest, lustily shaking his feather-coat, he crowed stentoriphonically loud. this done, panurge very courteously required of him that he would vouchsafe to favour him with the grant and report of his sense and judgment touching the future destiny of his intended marriage. for answer hereto, when the honest old man had forthwith commanded pen, paper, and ink to be brought unto him, and that he was at the same call conveniently served with all the three, he wrote these following verses: take, or not take her, off, or on: handy-dandy is your lot. when her name you write, you blot. 'tis undone, when all is done, ended e'er it was begun: hardly gallop, if you trot, set not forward when you run, nor be single, though alone, take, or not take her. before you eat, begin to fast; for what shall be was never past. say, unsay, gainsay, save your breath: then wish at once her life and death. take, or not take her. these lines he gave out of his own hands unto them, saying unto them, go, my lads, in peace! the great god of the highest heavens be your guardian and preserver! and do not offer any more to trouble or disquiet me with this or any other business whatsoever. i have this same very day, which is the last both of may and of me, with a greal deal of labour, toil, and difficulty, chased out of my house a rabble of filthy, unclean, and plaguily pestilentious rake-hells, black beasts, dusk, dun, white, ash-coloured, speckled, and a foul vermin of other hues, whose obtrusive importunity would not permit me to die at my own ease; for by fraudulent and deceitful pricklings, ravenous, harpy-like graspings, waspish stingings, and such-like unwelcome approaches, forged in the shop of i know not what kind of insatiabilities, they went about to withdraw and call me out of those sweet thoughts wherein i was already beginning to repose myself and acquiesce in the contemplation and vision, yea, almost in the very touch and taste of the happiness and felicity which the good god hath prepared for his faithful saints and elect in the other life and state of immortality. turn out of their courses and eschew them, step forth of their ways and do not resemble them; meanwhile, let me be no more troubled by you, but leave me now in silence, i beseech you. chapter 3.xxii. how panurge patrocinates and defendeth the order of the begging friars. panurge, at his issuing forth of raminagrobis's chamber, said, as if he had been horribly affrighted, by the virtue of god, i believe that he is an heretic; the devil take me, if i do not! he doth so villainously rail at the mendicant friars and jacobins, who are the two hemispheres of the christian world; by whose gyronomonic circumbilvaginations, as by two celivagous filopendulums, all the autonomatic metagrobolism of the romish church, when tottering and emblustricated with the gibble-gabble gibberish of this odious error and heresy, is homocentrically poised. but what harm, in the devil's name, have these poor devils the capuchins and minims done unto him? are not these beggarly devils sufficiently wretched already? who can imagine that these poor snakes, the very extracts of ichthyophagy, are not thoroughly enough besmoked and besmeared with misery, distress, and calamity? dost thou think, friar john, by thy faith, that he is in the state of salvation? he goeth, before god, as surely damned to thirty thousand basketsful of devils as a pruning-bill to the lopping of a vine-branch. to revile with opprobrious speeches the good and courageous props and pillars of the church,--is that to be called a poetical fury? i cannot rest satisfied with him; he sinneth grossly, and blasphemeth against the true religion. i am very much offended at his scandalizing words and contumelious obloquy. i do not care a straw, quoth friar john, for what he hath said; for although everybody should twit and jerk them, it were but a just retaliation, seeing all persons are served by them with the like sauce: therefore do i pretend no interest therein. let us see, nevertheless, what he hath written. panurge very attentively read the paper which the old man had penned; then said to his two fellow-travellers, the poor drinker doteth. howsoever, i excuse him, for that i believe he is now drawing near to the end and final closure of his life. let us go make his epitaph. by the answer which he hath given us, i am not, i protest, one jot wiser than i was. hearken here, epistemon, my little bully, dost not thou hold him to be very resolute in his responsory verdicts? he is a witty, quick, and subtle sophister. i will lay an even wager that he is a miscreant apostate. by the belly of a stalled ox, how careful he is not to be mistaken in his words. he answered but by disjunctives, therefore can it not be true which he saith; for the verity of such-like propositions is inherent only in one of its two members. o the cozening prattler that he is! i wonder if santiago of bressure be one of these cogging shirks. such was of old, quoth epistemon, the custom of the grand vaticinator and prophet tiresias, who used always, by way of a preface, to say openly and plainly at the beginning of his divinations and predictions that what he was to tell would either come to pass or not. and such is truly the style of all prudently presaging prognosticators. he was nevertheless, quoth panurge, so unfortunately misadventurous in the lot of his own destiny, that juno thrust out both his eyes. yes, answered epistemon, and that merely out of a spite and spleen for having pronounced his award more veritable than she, upon the question which was merrily proposed by jupiter. but, quoth panurge, what archdevil is it that hath possessed this master raminagrobis, that so unreasonably, and without any occasion, he should have so snappishly and bitterly inveighed against these poor honest fathers, jacobins, minors, and minims? it vexeth me grievously, i assure you; nor am i able to conceal my indignation. he hath transgressed most enormously; his soul goeth infallibly to thirty thousand panniersful of devils. i understand you not, quoth epistemon, and it disliketh me very much that you should so absurdly and perversely interpret that of the friar mendicants which by the harmless poet was spoken of black beasts, dun, and other sorts of other coloured animals. he is not in my opinion guilty of such a sophistical and fantastic allegory as by that phrase of his to have meant the begging brothers. he in downright terms speaketh absolutely and properly of fleas, punies, hand worms, flies, gnats, and other such-like scurvy vermin, whereof some are black, some dun, some ash-coloured, some tawny, and some brown and dusky, all noisome, molesting, tyrannous, cumbersome, and unpleasant creatures, not only to sick and diseased folks, but to those also who are of a sound, vigorous, and healthful temperament and constitution. it is not unlikely that he may have the ascarids, and the lumbrics, and worms within the entrails of his body. possibly doth he suffer, as it is frequent and usual amongst the egyptians, together with all those who inhabit the erythraean confines, and dwell along the shores and coasts of the red sea, some sour prickings and smart stingings in his arms and legs of those little speckled dragons which the arabians call meden. you are to blame for offering to expound his words otherwise, and wrong the ingenuous poet, and outrageously abuse and miscall the said fraters, by an imputation of baseness undeservedly laid to their charge. we still should, in such like discourses of fatiloquent soothsayers, interpret all things to the best. will you teach me, quoth panurge, how to discern flies among milk, or show your father the way how to beget children? he is, by the virtue of god, an arrant heretic, a resolute, formal heretic; i say, a rooted, combustible heretic, one as fit to burn as the little wooden clock at rochelle. his soul goeth to thirty thousand cartsful of devils. would you know whither? cocks-body, my friend, straight under proserpina's close-stool, to the very middle of the self-same infernal pan within which she, by an excrementitious evacuation, voideth the faecal stuff of her stinking clysters, and that just upon the left side of the great cauldron of three fathom height, hard by the claws and talons of lucifer, in the very darkest of the passage which leadeth towards the black chamber of demogorgon. o the villain! chapter 3.xxiii. how panurge maketh the motion of a return to raminagrobis. let us return, quoth panurge, not ceasing, to the uttermost of our abilities, to ply him with wholesome admonitions for the furtherance of his salvation. let us go back, for god's sake; let us go, in the name of god. it will be a very meritorious work, and of great charity in us to deal so in the matter, and provide so well for him that, albeit he come to lose both body and life, he may at least escape the risk and danger of the eternal damnation of his soul. we will by our holy persuasions bring him to a sense and feeling of his escapes, induce him to acknowledge his faults, move him to a cordial repentance of his errors, and stir up in him such a sincere contrition of heart for his offences, as will prompt him with all earnestness to cry mercy, and to beg pardon at the hands of the good fathers, as well of the absent as of such as are present. whereupon we will take instrument formally and authentically extended, to the end he be not, after his decease, declared an heretic, and condemned, as were the hobgoblins of the provost's wife of orleans, to the undergoing of such punishments, pains, and tortures as are due to and inflicted on those that inhabit the horrid cells of the infernal regions; and withal incline, instigate, and persuade him to bequeath and leave in legacy (by way of an amends and satisfaction for the outrage and injury done to those good religious fathers throughout all the convents, cloisters, and monasteries of this province), many bribes, a great deal of mass-singing, store of obits, and that sempiternally, on the anniversary day of his decease, every one of them all be furnished with a quintuple allowance, and that the great borachio replenished with the best liquor trudge apace along the tables, as well of the young duckling monkitoes, lay brothers, and lowermost degree of the abbey lubbards, as of the learned priests and reverend clerks,--the very meanest of the novices and mitiants unto the order being equally admitted to the benefit of those funerary and obsequial festivals with the aged rectors and professed fathers. this is the surest ordinary means whereby from god he may obtain forgiveness. ho, ho, i am quite mistaken; i digress from the purpose, and fly out of my discourse, as if my spirits were a-wool-gathering. the devil take me, if i go thither! virtue god! the chamber is already full of devils. o what a swinging, thwacking noise is now amongst them! o the terrible coil that they keep! hearken, do you not hear the rustling, thumping bustle of their strokes and blows, as they scuffle with one another, like true devils indeed, who shall gulp up the raminagrobis soul, and be the first bringer of it, whilst it is hot, to monsieur lucifer? beware, and get you hence! for my part, i will not go thither. the devil roast me if i go! who knows but that these hungry mad devils may in the haste of their rage and fury of their impatience take a qui for a quo, and instead of raminagrobis snatch up poor panurge frank and free? though formerly, when i was deep in debt, they always failed. get you hence! i will not go thither. before god, the very bare apprehension thereof is like to kill me. to be in a place where there are greedy, famished, and hunger-starved devils; amongst factious devils--amidst trading and trafficking devils--o the lord preserve me! get you hence! i dare pawn my credit on it, that no jacobin, cordelier, carmelite, capuchin, theatin, or minim will bestow any personal presence at his interment. the wiser they, because he hath ordained nothing for them in his latter will and testament. the devil take me, if i go thither. if he be damned, to his own loss and hindrance be it. what the deuce moved him to be so snappish and depravedly bent against the good fathers of the true religion? why did he cast them off, reject them, and drive them quite out of his chamber, even in that very nick of time when he stood in greatest need of the aid, suffrage, and assistance of their devout prayers and holy admonitions? why did not he by testament leave them, at least, some jolly lumps and cantles of substantial meat, a parcel of cheek-puffing victuals, and a little belly-timber and provision for the guts of these poor folks, who have nothing but their life in this world? let him go thither who will, the devil take me if i go; for, if i should, the devil would not fail to snatch me up. cancro. ho, the pox! get you hence, friar john! art thou content that thirty thousand wainload of devils should get away with thee at this same very instant? if thou be, at my request do these three things. first, give me thy purse; for besides that thy money is marked with crosses, and the cross is an enemy to charms, the same may befall to thee which not long ago happened to john dodin, collector of the excise of coudray, at the ford of vede, when the soldiers broke the planks. this moneyed fellow, meeting at the very brink of the bank of the ford with friar adam crankcod, a franciscan observantin of mirebeau, promised him a new frock, provided that in the transporting of him over the water he would bear him upon his neck and shoulders, after the manner of carrying dead goats; for he was a lusty, strong-limbed, sturdy rogue. the condition being agreed upon, friar crankcod trusseth himself up to his very ballocks, and layeth upon his back, like a fair little saint christopher, the load of the said supplicant dodin, and so carried him gaily and with a good will, as aeneas bore his father anchises through the conflagration of troy, singing in the meanwhile a pretty ave maris stella. when they were in the very deepest place of all the ford, a little above the master-wheel of the water-mill, he asked if he had any coin about him. yes, quoth dodin, a whole bagful; and that he needed not to mistrust his ability in the performance of the promise which he had made unto him concerning a new frock. how! quoth friar crankcod, thou knowest well enough that by the express rules, canons, and injunctions of our order we are forbidden to carry on us any kind of money. thou art truly unhappy, for having made me in this point to commit a heinous trespass. why didst thou not leave thy purse with the miller? without fail thou shalt presently receive thy reward for it; and if ever hereafter i may but lay hold upon thee within the limits of our chancel at mirebeau, thou shalt have the miserere even to the vitulos. with this, suddenly discharging himself of his burden, he throws me down your dodin headlong. take example by this dodin, my dear friend friar john, to the end that the devils may the better carry thee away at thine own ease. give me thy purse. carry no manner of cross upon thee. therein lieth an evident and manifestly apparent danger. for if you have any silver coined with a cross upon it, they will cast thee down headlong upon some rocks, as the eagles use to do with the tortoises for the breaking of their shells, as the bald pate of the poet aeschylus can sufficiently bear witness. such a fall would hurt thee very sore, my sweet bully, and i would be sorry for it. or otherwise they will let thee fall and tumble down into the high swollen waves of some capacious sea, i know not where; but, i warrant thee, far enough hence, as icarus fell, which from thy name would afterwards get the denomination of the funnelian sea. secondly, be out of debt. for the devils carry a great liking to those that are out of debt. i have sore felt the experience thereof in mine own particular; for now the lecherous varlets are always wooing me, courting me, and making much of me, which they never did when i was all to pieces. the soul of one in debt is insipid, dry, and heretical altogether. thirdly, with the cowl and domino de grobis, return to raminagrobis; and in case, being thus qualified, thirty thousand boatsful of devils forthwith come not to carry thee quite away, i shall be content to be at the charge of paying for the pint and faggot. now, if for the more security thou wouldst some associate to bear thee company, let not me be the comrade thou searchest for; think not to get a fellow-traveller of me,--nay, do not. i advise thee for the best. get you hence; i will not go thither. the devil take me if i go. notwithstanding all the fright that you are in, quoth friar john, i would not care so much as might possibly be expected i should, if i once had but my sword in my hand. thou hast verily hit the nail on the head, quoth panurge, and speakest like a learned doctor, subtle and well-skilled in the art of devilry. at the time when i was a student in the university of toulouse (tolette), that same reverend father in the devil, picatrix, rector of the diabological faculty, was wont to tell us that the devils did naturally fear the bright glancing of swords as much as the splendour and light of the sun. in confirmation of the verity whereof he related this story, that hercules, at his descent into hell to all the devils of those regions, did not by half so much terrify them with his club and lion's skin as afterwards aeneas did with his clear shining armour upon him, and his sword in his hand well-furbished and unrusted, by the aid, counsel, and assistance of the sybilla cumana. that was perhaps the reason why the senior john jacomo di trivulcio, whilst he was a-dying at chartres, called for his cutlass, and died with a drawn sword in his hand, laying about him alongst and athwart around the bed and everywhere within his reach, like a stout, doughty, valorous and knight-like cavalier; by which resolute manner of fence he scared away and put to flight all the devils that were then lying in wait for his soul at the passage of his death. when the massorets and cabalists are asked why it is that none of all the devils do at any time enter into the terrestrial paradise? their answer hath been, is, and will be still, that there is a cherubin standing at the gate thereof with a flame-like glistering sword in his hand. although, to speak in the true diabological sense or phrase of toledo, i must needs confess and acknowledge that veritably the devils cannot be killed or die by the stroke of a sword, i do nevertheless avow and maintain, according to the doctrine of the said diabology, that they may suffer a solution of continuity (as if with thy shable thou shouldst cut athwart the flame of a burning fire, or the gross opacous exhalations of a thick and obscure smoke), and cry out like very devils at their sense and feeling of this dissolution, which in real deed i must aver and affirm is devilishly painful, smarting, and dolorous. when thou seest the impetuous shock of two armies, and vehement violence of the push in their horrid encounter with one another, dost thou think, ballockasso, that so horrible a noise as is heard there proceedeth from the voice and shouts of men, the dashing and jolting of harness, the clattering and clashing of armies, the hacking and slashing of battle-axes, the justling and crashing of pikes, the bustling and breaking of lances, the clamour and shrieks of the wounded, the sound and din of drums, the clangour and shrillness of trumpets, the neighing and rushing in of horses, with the fearful claps and thundering of all sorts of guns, from the double cannon to the pocket pistol inclusively? i cannot goodly deny but that in these various things which i have rehearsed there may be somewhat occasionative of the huge yell and tintamarre of the two engaged bodies. but the most fearful and tumultuous coil and stir, the terriblest and most boisterous garboil and hurry, the chiefest rustling black santus of all, and most principal hurlyburly springeth from the grievously plangorous howling and lowing of devils, who pell-mell, in a hand-over-head confusion, waiting for the poor souls of the maimed and hurt soldiery, receive unawares some strokes with swords, and so by those means suffer a solution of and division in the continuity of their aerial and invisible substances; as if some lackey, snatching at the lard-slices stuck in a piece of roast meat on the spit, should get from mr. greasyfist a good rap on the knuckles with a cudgel. they cry out and shout like devils, even as mars did when he was hurt by diomedes at the siege of troy, who, as homer testifieth of him, did then raise his voice more horrifically loud and sonoriferously high than ten thousand men together would have been able to do. what maketh all this for our present purpose? i have been speaking here of well-furbished armour and bright shining swords. but so is it not, friar john, with thy weapon; for by a long discontinuance of work, cessation from labour, desisting from making it officiate, and putting it into that practice wherein it had been formerly accustomed, and, in a word, for want of occupation, it is, upon my faith, become more rusty than the key-hole of an old powdering-tub. therefore it is expedient that you do one of these two things: either furbish your weapon bravely, and as it ought to be, or otherwise have a care that, in the rusty case it is in, you do not presume to return to the house of raminagrobis. for my part, i vow i will not go thither. the devil take me if i go. chapter 3.xxiv. how panurge consulteth with epistemon. having left the town of villomere, as they were upon their return towards pantagruel, panurge, in addressing his discourse to epistemon, spoke thus: my most ancient friend and gossip, thou seest the perplexity of my thoughts, and knowest many remedies for the removal thereof; art thou not able to help and succour me? epistemon, thereupon taking the speech in hand, represented unto panurge how the open voice and common fame of the whole country did run upon no other discourse but the derision and mockery of his new disguise; wherefore his counsel unto him was that he would in the first place be pleased to make use of a little hellebore for the purging of his brain of that peccant humour which, through that extravagant and fantastic mummery of his, had furnished the people with a too just occasion of flouting and gibing, jeering and scoffing him, and that next he would resume his ordinary fashion of accoutrement, and go apparelled as he was wont to do. i am, quoth panurge, my dear gossip epistemon, of a mind and resolution to marry, but am afraid of being a cuckold and to be unfortunate in my wedlock. for this cause have i made a vow to young st. francis--who at plessis-les-tours is much reverenced of all women, earnestly cried unto by them, and with great devotion, for he was the first founder of the confraternity of good men, whom they naturally covet, affect, and long for--to wear spectacles in my cap, and to carry no codpiece in my breeches, until the present inquietude and perturbation of my spirits be fully settled. truly, quoth epistemon, that is a pretty jolly vow of thirteen to a dozen. it is a shame to you, and i wonder much at it, that you do not return unto yourself, and recall your senses from this their wild swerving and straying abroad to that rest and stillness which becomes a virtuous man. this whimsical conceit of yours brings me to the remembrance of a solemn promise made by the shag-haired argives, who, having in their controversy against the lacedaemonians for the territory of thyrea, lost the battle which they hoped should have decided it for their advantage, vowed to carry never any hair on their heads till preallably they had recovered the loss of both their honour and lands. as likewise to the memory of the vow of a pleasant spaniard called michael doris, who vowed to carry in his hat a piece of the shin of his leg till he should be revenged of him who had struck it off. yet do not i know which of these two deserveth most to wear a green and yellow hood with a hare's ears tied to it, either the aforesaid vainglorious champion, or that enguerrant, who having forgot the art and manner of writing histories set down by the samosatian philosopher, maketh a most tediously long narrative and relation thereof. for, at the first reading of such a profuse discourse, one would think it had been broached for the introducing of a story of great importance and moment concerning the waging of some formidable war, or the notable change and mutation of potent states and kingdoms; but, in conclusion, the world laugheth at the capricious champion, at the englishman who had affronted him, as also at their scribbler enguerrant, more drivelling at the mouth than a mustard pot. the jest and scorn thereof is not unlike to that of the mountain of horace, which by the poet was made to cry out and lament most enormously as a woman in the pangs and labour of child-birth, at which deplorable and exorbitant cries and lamentations the whole neighbourhood being assembled in expectation to see some marvellous monstrous production, could at last perceive no other but the paltry, ridiculous mouse. your mousing, quoth panurge, will not make me leave my musing why folks should be so frumpishly disposed, seeing i am certainly persuaded that some flout who merit to be flouted at; yet, as my vow imports, so will i do. it is now a long time since, by jupiter philos (a mistake of the translator's.--m.), we did swear faith and amity to one another. give me your advice, billy, and tell me your opinion freely, should i marry or no? truly, quoth epistemon, the case is hazardous, and the danger so eminently apparent that i find myself too weak and insufficient to give you a punctual and peremptory resolution therein; and if ever it was true that judgment is difficult in matters of the medicinal art, what was said by hippocrates of lango, it is certainly so in this case. true it is that in my brain there are some rolling fancies, by means whereof somewhat may be pitched upon of a seeming efficacy to the disentangling your mind of those dubious apprehensions wherewith it is perplexed; but they do not thoroughly satisfy me. some of the platonic sect affirm that whosoever is able to see his proper genius may know his own destiny. i understand not their doctrine, nor do i think that you adhere to them; there is a palpable abuse. i have seen the experience of it in a very curious gentleman of the country of estangourre. this is one of the points. there is yet another not much better. if there were any authority now in the oracles of jupiter ammon; of apollo in lebadia, delphos, delos, cyrra, patara, tegyres, preneste, lycia, colophon, or in the castalian fountain; near antiochia in syria, between the branchidians; of bacchus in dodona; of mercury in phares, near patras; of apis in egypt; of serapis in canope; of faunus in menalia, and albunea near tivoli; of tiresias in orchomenus; of mopsus in cilicia; of orpheus in lesbos, and of trophonius in leucadia; i would in that case advise you, and possibly not, to go thither for their judgment concerning the design and enterprise you have in hand. but you know that they are all of them become as dumb as so many fishes since the advent of that saviour king whose coming to this world hath made all oracles and prophecies to cease; as the approach of the sun's radiant beams expelleth goblins, bugbears, hobthrushes, broams, screech-owl-mates, night-walking spirits, and tenebrions. these now are gone; but although they were as yet in continuance and in the same power, rule, and request that formerly they were, yet would not i counsel you to be too credulous in putting any trust in their responses. too many folks have been deceived thereby. it stands furthermore upon record how agrippina did charge the fair lollia with the crime of having interrogated the oracle of apollo clarius, to understand if she should be at any time married to the emperor claudius; for which cause she was first banished, and thereafter put to a shameful and ignominious death. but, saith panurge, let us do better. the ogygian islands are not far distant from the haven of sammalo. let us, after that we shall have spoken to our king, make a voyage thither. in one of these four isles, to wit, that which hath its primest aspect towards the sun setting, it is reported, and i have read in good antique and authentic authors, that there reside many soothsayers, fortune-tellers, vaticinators, prophets, and diviners of things to come; that saturn inhabiteth that place, bound with fair chains of gold and within the concavity of a golden rock, being nourished with divine ambrosia and nectar, which are daily in great store and abundance transmitted to him from the heavens, by i do not well know what kind of fowls,--it may be that they are the same ravens which in the deserts are said to have fed st. paul, the first hermit,--he very clearly foretelleth unto everyone who is desirous to be certified of the condition of his lot what his destiny will be, and what future chance the fates have ordained for him; for the parcae, or weird sisters, do not twist, spin, or draw out a thread, nor yet doth jupiter perpend, project, or deliberate anything which the good old celestial father knoweth not to the full, even whilst he is asleep. this will be a very summary abbreviation of our labour, if we but hearken unto him a little upon the serious debate and canvassing of this my perplexity. that is, answered epistemon, a gullery too evident, a plain abuse and fib too fabulous. i will not go, not i; i will not go. chapter 3.xxv. how panurge consulteth with herr trippa. nevertheless, quoth epistemon, continuing his discourse, i will tell you what you may do, if you believe me, before we return to our king. hard by here, in the brown-wheat (bouchart) island, dwelleth herr trippa. you know how by the arts of astrology, geomancy, chiromancy, metopomancy, and others of a like stuff and nature, he foretelleth all things to come; let us talk a little, and confer with him about your business. of that, answered panurge, i know nothing; but of this much concerning him i am assured, that one day, and that not long since, whilst he was prating to the great king of celestial, sublime, and transcendent things, the lacqueys and footboys of the court, upon the upper steps of stairs between two doors, jumbled, one after another, as often as they listed, his wife, who is passable fair, and a pretty snug hussy. thus he who seemed very clearly to see all heavenly and terrestrial things without spectacles, who discoursed boldly of adventures past, with great confidence opened up present cases and accidents, and stoutly professed the presaging of all future events and contingencies, was not able, with all the skill and cunning that he had, to perceive the bumbasting of his wife, whom he reputed to be very chaste, and hath not till this hour got notice of anything to the contrary. yet let us go to him, seeing you will have it so; for surely we can never learn too much. they on the very next ensuing day came to herr trippa's lodging. panurge, by way of donative, presented him with a long gown lined all through with wolf-skins, with a short sword mounted with a gilded hilt and covered with a velvet scabbard, and with fifty good single angels; then in a familiar and friendly way did he ask of him his opinion touching the affair. at the very first herr trippa, looking on him very wistly in the face, said unto him: thou hast the metoposcopy and physiognomy of a cuckold,--i say, of a notorious and infamous cuckold. with this, casting an eye upon panurge's right hand in all the parts thereof, he said, this rugged draught which i see here, just under the mount of jove, was never yet but in the hand of a cuckold. afterwards, he with a white lead pen swiftly and hastily drew a certain number of diverse kinds of points, which by rules of geomancy he coupled and joined together; then said: truth itself is not truer than that it is certain thou wilt be a cuckold a little after thy marriage. that being done, he asked of panurge the horoscope of his nativity, which was no sooner by panurge tendered unto him, than that, erecting a figure, he very promptly and speedily formed and fashioned a complete fabric of the houses of heaven in all their parts, whereof when he had considered the situation and the aspects in their triplicities, he fetched a deep sigh, and said: i have clearly enough already discovered unto you the fate of your cuckoldry, which is unavoidable, you cannot escape it. and here have i got of new a further assurance thereof, so that i may now hardily pronounce and affirm, without any scruple or hesitation at all, that thou wilt be a cuckold; that furthermore, thou wilt be beaten by thine own wife, and that she will purloin, filch and steal of thy goods from thee; for i find the seventh house, in all its aspects, of a malignant influence, and every one of the planets threatening thee with disgrace, according as they stand seated towards one another, in relation to the horned signs of aries, taurus, and capricorn. in the fourth house i find jupiter in a decadence, as also in a tetragonal aspect to saturn, associated with mercury. thou wilt be soundly peppered, my good, honest fellow, i warrant thee. i will be? answered panurge. a plague rot thee, thou old fool and doting sot, how graceless and unpleasant thou art! when all cuckolds shall be at a general rendezvous, thou shouldst be their standard-bearer. but whence comes this ciron-worm betwixt these two fingers? this panurge said, putting the forefinger of his left hand betwixt the fore and mid finger of the right, which he thrust out towards herr trippa, holding them open after the manner of two horns, and shutting into his fist his thumb with the other fingers. then, in turning to epistemon, he said: lo here the true olus of martial, who addicted and devoted himself wholly to the observing the miseries, crosses, and calamities of others, whilst his own wife, in the interim, did keep an open bawdy-house. this varlet is poorer than ever was irus, and yet he is proud, vaunting, arrogant, self-conceited, overweening, and more insupportable than seventeen devils; in one word, ptochalazon, which term of old was applied to the like beggarly strutting coxcombs. come, let us leave this madpash bedlam, this hairbrained fop, and give him leave to rave and dose his bellyful with his private and intimately acquainted devils, who, if they were not the very worst of all infernal fiends, would never have deigned to serve such a knavish barking cur as this is. he hath not learnt the first precept of philosophy, which is, know thyself; for whilst he braggeth and boasteth that he can discern the least mote in the eye of another, he is not able to see the huge block that puts out the sight of both his eyes. this is such another polypragmon as is by plutarch described. he is of the nature of the lamian witches, who in foreign places, in the houses of strangers, in public, and amongst the common people, had a sharper and more piercing inspection into their affairs than any lynx, but at home in their own proper dwelling-mansions were blinder than moldwarps, and saw nothing at all. for their custom was, at their return from abroad, when they were by themselves in private, to take their eyes out of their head, from whence they were as easily removable as a pair of spectacles from their nose, and to lay them up into a wooden slipper which for that purpose did hang behind the door of their lodging. panurge had no sooner done speaking, when herr trippa took into his hand a tamarisk branch. in this, quoth epistemon, he doth very well, right, and like an artist, for nicander calleth it the divinatory tree. have you a mind, quoth herr trippa, to have the truth of the matter yet more fully and amply disclosed unto you by pyromancy, by aeromancy, whereof aristophanes in his clouds maketh great estimation, by hydromancy, by lecanomancy, of old in prime request amongst the assyrians, and thoroughly tried by hermolaus barbarus. come hither, and i will show thee in this platterful of fair fountain-water thy future wife lechering and sercroupierizing it with two swaggering ruffians, one after another. yea, but have a special care, quoth panurge, when thou comest to put thy nose within mine arse, that thou forget not to pull off thy spectacles. herr trippa, going on in his discourse, said, by catoptromancy, likewise held in such account by the emperor didius julianus, that by means thereof he ever and anon foresaw all that which at any time did happen or befall unto him. thou shalt not need to put on thy spectacles, for in a mirror thou wilt see her as clearly and manifestly nebrundiated and billibodring it, as if i should show it in the fountain of the temple of minerva near patras. by coscinomancy, most religiously observed of old amidst the ceremonies of the ancient romans. let us have a sieve and shears, and thou shalt see devils. by alphitomancy, cried up by theocritus in his pharmaceutria. by alentomancy, mixing the flour of wheat with oatmeal. by astragalomancy, whereof i have the plots and models all at hand ready for the purpose. by tyromancy, whereof we make some proof in a great brehemont cheese which i here keep by me. by giromancy, if thou shouldst turn round circles, thou mightest assure thyself from me that they would fall always on the wrong side. by sternomancy, which maketh nothing for thy advantage, for thou hast an ill-proportioned stomach. by libanomancy, for the which we shall need but a little frankincense. by gastromancy, which kind of ventral fatiloquency was for a long time together used in ferrara by lady giacoma rodogina, the engastrimythian prophetess. by cephalomancy, often practised amongst the high germans in their boiling of an ass's head upon burning coals. by ceromancy, where, by the means of wax dissolved into water, thou shalt see the figure, portrait, and lively representation of thy future wife, and of her fredin fredaliatory belly-thumping blades. by capnomancy. o the gallantest and most excellent of all secrets! by axionomancy; we want only a hatchet and a jet-stone to be laid together upon a quick fire of hot embers. o how bravely homer was versed in the practice hereof towards penelope's suitors! by onymancy; for that we have oil and wax. by tephromancy. thou wilt see the ashes thus aloft dispersed exhibiting thy wife in a fine posture. by botanomancy; for the nonce i have some few leaves in reserve. by sicomancy; o divine art in fig-tree leaves! by icthiomancy, in ancient times so celebrated, and put in use by tiresias and polydamas, with the like certainty of event as was tried of old at the dina-ditch within that grove consecrated to apollo which is in the territory of the lycians. by choiromancy; let us have a great many hogs, and thou shalt have the bladder of one of them. by cheromancy, as the bean is found in the cake at the epiphany vigil. by anthropomancy, practised by the roman emperor heliogabalus. it is somewhat irksome, but thou wilt endure it well enough, seeing thou art destinated to be a cuckold. by a sibylline stichomancy. by onomatomancy. how do they call thee? chaw-turd, quoth panurge. or yet by alectryomancy. if i should here with a compass draw a round, and in looking upon thee, and considering thy lot, divide the circumference thereof into four-and-twenty equal parts, then form a several letter of the alphabet upon every one of them; and, lastly, posit a barleycorn or two upon each of these so disposed letters, i durst promise upon my faith and honesty that, if a young virgin cock be permitted to range alongst and athwart them, he should only eat the grains which are set and placed upon these letters, a. c.u.c.k.o.l.d. t.h.o.u. s.h.a.l.t. b.e. and that as fatidically as, under the emperor valens, most perplexedly desirous to know the name of him who should be his successor to the empire, the cock vacticinating and alectryomantic ate up the pickles that were posited on the letters t.h.e.o.d. or, for the more certainty, will you have a trial of your fortune by the art of aruspiciny, by augury, or by extispiciny? by turdispiciny, quoth panurge. or yet by the mystery of necromancy? i will, if you please, suddenly set up again and revive someone lately deceased, as apollonius of tyane did to achilles, and the pythoness in the presence of saul; which body, so raised up and requickened, will tell us the sum of all you shall require of him: no more nor less than, at the invocation of erictho, a certain defunct person foretold to pompey the whole progress and issue of the fatal battle fought in the pharsalian fields. or, if you be afraid of the dead, as commonly all cuckolds are, i will make use of the faculty of sciomancy. go, get thee gone, quoth panurge, thou frantic ass, to the devil, and be buggered, filthy bardachio that thou art, by some albanian, for a steeple-crowned hat. why the devil didst not thou counsel me as well to hold an emerald or the stone of a hyaena under my tongue, or to furnish and provide myself with tongues of whoops, and hearts of green frogs, or to eat of the liver and milt of some dragon, to the end that by those means i might, at the chanting and chirping of swans and other fowls, understand the substance of my future lot and destiny, as did of old the arabians in the country of mesopotamia? fifteen brace of devils seize upon the body and soul of this horned renegado, miscreant cuckold, the enchanter, witch, and sorcerer of antichrist to all the devils of hell! let us return towards our king. i am sure he will not be well pleased with us if he once come to get notice that we have been in the kennel of this muffled devil. i repent my being come hither. i would willingly dispense with a hundred nobles and fourteen yeomans, on condition that he who not long since did blow in the bottom of my breeches should instantly with his squirting spittle inluminate his moustaches. o lord god now! how the villain hath besmoked me with vexation and anger, with charms and witchcraft, and with a terrible coil and stir of infernal and tartarian devils! the devil take him! say amen, and let us go drink. i shall not have any appetite for my victuals, how good cheer soever i make, these two days to come,--hardly these four. chapter 3.xxvi. how panurge consulteth with friar john of the funnels. panurge was indeed very much troubled in mind and disquieted at the words of herr trippa, and therefore, as he passed by the little village of huymes, after he had made his address to friar john, in pecking at, rubbing, and scratching his own left ear, he said unto him, keep me a little jovial and merry, my dear and sweet bully, for i find my brains altogether metagrabolized and confounded, and my spirits in a most dunsical puzzle at the bitter talk of this devilish, hellish, damned fool. hearken, my dainty cod. mellow c. varnished c. resolute c. lead-coloured c. renowned c. cabbage-like c. knurled c. matted c. courteous c. suborned c. genitive c. fertile c. desired c. gigantal c. whizzing c. stuffed c. oval c. neat c. speckled c. claustral c. common c. finely metalled c. virile c. brisk c. arabian-like c. stayed c. quick c. trussed-up grey massive c. bearlike c. hound-like c. manual c. partitional c. mounted c. absolute c. patronymic c. sleeked c. well-set c. cockney c. diapered c. gemel c. auromercuriated c. spotted c. turkish c. robust c. master c. burning c. appetizing c. seeded c. thwacking c. succourable c. lusty c. urgent c. redoubtable c. jupped c. handsome c. affable c. milked c. prompt c. memorable c. calfeted c. fortunate c. palpable c. raised c. boxwood c. barbable c. odd c. latten c. tragical c. steeled c. unbridled c. transpontine c. stale c. hooked c. digestive c. orange-tawny c. researched c. active c. embroidered c. encompassed c. vital c. glazed c. strouting out c. magistral c. interlarded c. jolly c. monachal c. burgher-like c. lively c. subtle c. empowdered c. gerundive c. hammering c. ebonized c. franked c. clashing c. brasiliated c. polished c. tingling c. organized c. powdered beef c. usual c. passable c. positive c. exquisite c. trunkified c. spared c. trim c. furious c. bold c. succulent c. packed c. lascivious c. factious c. hooded c. gluttonous c. clammy c. fat c. boulting c. new-vamped c. high-prized c. snorting c. improved c. requisite c. pilfering c. malling c. laycod c. shaking c. sounding c. hand-filling c. bobbing c. battled c. insuperable c. chiveted c. burly c. agreeable c. fumbling c. seditious c. formidable c. topsyturvying c. wardian c. profitable c. raging c. protective c. notable c. piled up c. twinkling c. musculous c. filled up c. able c. subsidiary c. manly c. algoristical c. satiric c. idle c. odoriferous c. repercussive c. membrous c. pranked c. convulsive c. strong c. jocund c. restorative c. twin c. routing c. masculinating c. belabouring c. purloining c. incarnative c. gentle c. frolic c. sigillative c. stirring c. wagging c. sallying c. confident c. ruffling c. plump c. nimble c. jumbling c. thundering c. roundheaded c. rumbling c. lechering c. figging c. thumping c. fulminating c. helpful c. bumping c. sparkling c. spruce c. cringeling c. ramming c. plucking c. berumpling c. lusty c. ramage c. jogging c. household c. fine c. nobbing c. pretty c. fierce c. touzing c. astrolabian c. brawny c. tumbling c. algebraical c. compt c. fambling c. venust c. repaired c. overturning c. aromatizing c. soft c. shooting c. tricksy c. wild c. culeting c. paillard c. renewed c. jagged c. gaillard c. quaint c. pinked c. broaching c. starting c. arsiversing c. addle c. fleshy c. polished c. syndicated c. auxiliary c. slashed c. hamed c. stuffed c. clashing c. leisurely c. well-fed c. wagging c. cut c. flourished c. scriplike c. smooth c. fallow c. encremastered c. depending c. sudden c. bouncing c. independent c. graspful c. levelling c. lingering c. swillpow c. fly-flap c. rapping c. crushing c. perinae-tegminal c. reverend c. creaking c. squat-couching c. nodding c. dilting c. short-hung c. disseminating c. ready c. the hypogastrian c. affecting c. vigorous c. witness-bearing c. affected c. skulking c. testigerous c. grappled c. superlative c. instrumental c. my harcabuzing cod and buttock-stirring ballock, friar john, my friend, i do carry a singular respect unto thee, and honour thee with all my heart. thy counsel i hold for a choice and delicate morsel; therefore have i reserved it for the last bit. give me thy advice freely, i beseech thee, should i marry or no? friar john very merrily, and with a sprightly cheerfulness, made this answer to him: marry, in the devil's name. why not? what the devil else shouldst thou do but marry? take thee a wife, and furbish her harness to some tune. swinge her skin-coat as if thou wert beating on stock-fish; and let the repercussion of thy clapper from her resounding metal make a noise as if a double peal of chiming-bells were hung at the cremasters of thy ballocks. as i say marry, so do i understand that thou shouldst fall to work as speedily as may be; yea, my meaning is that thou oughtest to be so quick and forward therein, as on this same very day, before sunset, to cause proclaim thy banns of matrimony, and make provision of bedsteads. by the blood of a hog's-pudding, till when wouldst thou delay the acting of a husband's part? dost thou not know, and is it not daily told unto thee, that the end of the world approacheth? we are nearer it by three poles and half a fathom than we were two days ago. the antichrist is already born; at least it is so reported by many. the truth is, that hitherto the effects of his wrath have not reached further than to the scratching of his nurse and governesses. his nails are not sharp enough as yet, nor have his claws attained to their full growth,--he is little. crescat; nos qui vivimus, multiplicemur. it is written so, and it is holy stuff, i warrant you; the truth whereof is like to last as long as a sack of corn may be had for a penny, and a puncheon of pure wine for threepence. wouldst thou be content to be found with thy genitories full in the day of judgment? dum venerit judicari? thou hast, quoth panurge, a right, clear, and neat spirit, friar john, my metropolitan cod; thou speakst in very deed pertinently and to purpose. that belike was the reason which moved leander of abydos in asia, whilst he was swimming through the hellespontic sea to make a visit to his sweetheart hero of sestus in europe, to pray unto neptune and all the other marine gods, thus: now, whilst i go, have pity on me, and at my back returning drown me. he was loth, it seems, to die with his cods overgorged. he was to be commended; therefore do i promise, that from henceforth no malefactor shall by justice be executed within my jurisdiction of salmigondinois, who shall not, for a day or two at least before, be permitted to culbut and foraminate onocrotalwise, that there remain not in all his vessels to write a greek y. such a precious thing should not be foolishly cast away. he will perhaps therewith beget a male, and so depart the more contentedly out of this life, that he shall have left behind him one for one. chapter 3.xxvii. how friar john merrily and sportingly counselleth panurge. by saint rigomet, quoth friar john, i do advise thee to nothing, my dear friend panurge, which i would not do myself were i in thy place. only have a special care, and take good heed thou solder well together the joints of the double-backed and two-bellied beast, and fortify thy nerves so strongly, that there be no discontinuance in the knocks of the venerean thwacking, else thou art lost, poor soul. for if there pass long intervals betwixt the priapizing feats, and that thou make an intermission of too large a time, that will befall thee which betides the nurses if they desist from giving suck to children--they lose their milk; and if continually thou do not hold thy aspersory tool in exercise, and keep thy mentul going, thy lacticinian nectar will be gone, and it will serve thee only as a pipe to piss out at, and thy cods for a wallet of lesser value than a beggar's scrip. this is a certain truth i tell thee, friend, and doubt not of it; for myself have seen the sad experiment thereof in many, who cannot now do what they would, because before they did not what they might have done: ex desuetudine amittuntur privilegia. non-usage oftentimes destroys one's right, say the learned doctors of the law; therefore, my billy, entertain as well as possibly thou canst that hypogastrian lower sort of troglodytic people, that their chief pleasure may be placed in the case of sempiternal labouring. give order that henceforth they live not, like idle gentlemen, idly upon their rents and revenues, but that they may work for their livelihood by breaking ground within the paphian trenches. nay truly, answered panurge, friar john, my left ballock, i will believe thee, for thou dealest plain with me, and fallest downright square upon the business, without going about the bush with frivolous circumstances and unnecessary reservations. thou with the splendour of a piercing wit hast dissipated all the lowering clouds of anxious apprehensions and suspicions which did intimidate and terrify me; therefore the heavens be pleased to grant to thee at all she-conflicts a stiff-standing fortune. well then, as thou hast said, so will i do; i will, in good faith, marry,--in that point there shall be no failing, i promise thee,--and shall have always by me pretty girls clothed with the name of my wife's waiting-maids, that, lying under thy wings, thou mayest be night-protector of their sisterhood. let this serve for the first part of the sermon. hearken, quoth friar john, to the oracle of the bells of varenes. what say they? i hear and understand them, quoth panurge; their sound is, by my thirst, more uprightly fatidical than that of jove's great kettles in dodona. hearken! take thee a wife, take thee a wife, and marry, marry, marry; for if thou marry, thou shalt find good therein, herein, here in a wife thou shalt find good; so marry, marry. i will assure thee that i shall be married; all the elements invite and prompt me to it. let this word be to thee a brazen wall, by diffidence not to be broken through. as for the second part of this our doctrine,--thou seemest in some measure to mistrust the readiness of my paternity in the practising of my placket-racket within the aphrodisian tennis-court at all times fitting, as if the stiff god of gardens were not favourable to me. i pray thee, favour me so much as to believe that i still have him at a beck, attending always my commandments, docile, obedient, vigorous, and active in all things and everywhere, and never stubborn or refractory to my will or pleasure. i need no more but to let go the reins, and slacken the leash, which is the belly-point, and when the game is shown unto him, say, hey, jack, to thy booty! he will not fail even then to flesh himself upon his prey, and tuzzle it to some purpose. hereby you may perceive, although my future wife were as unsatiable and gluttonous in her voluptuousness and the delights of venery as ever was the empress messalina, or yet the marchioness (of oincester) in england, and i desire thee to give credit to it, that i lack not for what is requisite to overlay the stomach of her lust, but have wherewith aboundingly to please her. i am not ignorant that solomon said, who indeed of that matter speaketh clerklike and learnedly,--as also how aristotle after him declared for a truth that, for the greater part, the lechery of a woman is ravenous and unsatisfiable. nevertheless, let such as are my friends who read those passages receive from me for a most real verity, that i for such a jill have a fit jack; and that, if women's things cannot be satiated, i have an instrument indefatigable,--an implement as copious in the giving as can in craving be their vade mecums. do not here produce ancient examples of the paragons of paillardice, and offer to match with my testiculatory ability the priapaean prowess of the fabulous fornicators, hercules, proculus caesar, and mahomet, who in his alkoran doth vaunt that in his cods he had the vigour of three score bully ruffians; but let no zealous christian trust the rogue,--the filthy ribald rascal is a liar. nor shalt thou need to urge authorities, or bring forth the instance of the indian prince of whom theophrastus, plinius, and athenaeus testify, that with the help of a certain herb he was able, and had given frequent experiments thereof, to toss his sinewy piece of generation in the act of carnal concupiscence above three score and ten times in the space of four-and-twenty hours. of that i believe nothing, the number is supposititious, and too prodigally foisted in. give no faith unto it, i beseech thee, but prithee trust me in this, and thy credulity therein shall not be wronged, for it is true, and probatum est, that my pioneer of nature--the sacred ithyphallian champion --is of all stiff-intruding blades the primest. come hither, my ballocket, and hearken. didst thou ever see the monk of castre's cowl? when in any house it was laid down, whether openly in the view of all or covertly out of the sight of any, such was the ineffable virtue thereof for excitating and stirring up the people of both sexes unto lechery, that the whole inhabitants and indwellers, not only of that, but likewise of all the circumjacent places thereto, within three leagues around it, did suddenly enter into rut, both beasts and folks, men and women, even to the dogs and hogs, rats and cats. i swear to thee that many times heretofore i have perceived and found in my codpiece a certain kind of energy or efficacious virtue much more irregular and of a greater anomaly than what i have related. i will not speak to thee either of house or cottage, nor of church or market, but only tell thee, that once at the representation of the passion, which was acted at saint maxents, i had no sooner entered within the pit of the theatre, but that forthwith, by the virtue and occult property of it, on a sudden all that were there, both players and spectators, did fall into such an exorbitant temptation of lust, that there was not angel, man, devil, nor deviless upon the place who would not then have bricollitched it with all their heart and soul. the prompter forsook his copy, he who played michael's part came down to rights, the devils issued out of hell and carried along with them most of the pretty little girls that were there; yea, lucifer got out of his fetters; in a word, seeing the huge disorder, i disparked myself forth of that enclosed place, in imitation of cato the censor, who perceiving, by reason of his presence, the floralian festivals out of order, withdrew himself. chapter 3.xxviii. how friar john comforteth panurge in the doubtful matter of cuckoldry. i understand thee well enough, said friar john; but time makes all things plain. the most durable marble or porphyry is subject to old age and decay. though for the present thou possibly be not weary of the exercise, yet is it like i will hear thee confess a few years hence that thy cods hang dangling downwards for want of a better truss. i see thee waxing a little hoar-headed already. thy beard, by the distinction of grey, white, tawny, and black, hath to my thinking the resemblance of a map of the terrestrial globe or geographical chart. look attentively upon and take inspection of what i shall show unto thee. behold there asia. here are tigris and euphrates. lo there afric. here is the mountain of the moon, --yonder thou mayst perceive the fenny march of nilus. on this side lieth europe. dost thou not see the abbey of theleme? this little tuft, which is altogether white, is the hyperborean hills. by the thirst of my thropple, friend, when snow is on the mountains, i say the head and the chin, there is not then any considerable heat to be expected in the valleys and low countries of the codpiece. by the kibes of thy heels, quoth panurge, thou dost not understand the topics. when snow is on the tops of the hills, lightning, thunder, tempest, whirlwinds, storms, hurricanes, and all the devils of hell rage in the valleys. wouldst thou see the experience thereof, go to the territory of the switzers and earnestly perpend with thyself there the situation of the lake of wunderberlich, about four leagues distant from berne, on the syon-side of the land. thou twittest me with my grey hairs, yet considerest not how i am of the nature of leeks, which with a white head carry a green, fresh, straight, and vigorous tail. the truth is, nevertheless (why should i deny it), that i now and then discern in myself some indicative signs of old age. tell this, i prithee, to nobody, but let it be kept very close and secret betwixt us two; for i find the wine much sweeter now, more savoury to my taste, and unto my palate of a better relish than formerly i was wont to do; and withal, besides mine accustomed manner, i have a more dreadful apprehension than i ever heretofore have had of lighting on bad wine. note and observe that this doth argue and portend i know not what of the west and occident of my time, and signifieth that the south and meridian of mine age is past. but what then, my gentle companion? that doth but betoken that i will hereafter drink so much the more. that is not, the devil hale it, the thing that i fear; nor is it there where my shoe pinches. the thing that i doubt most, and have greatest reason to dread and suspect is, that through some long absence of our king pantagruel (to whom i must needs bear company should he go to all the devils of barathrum), my future wife shall make me a cuckold. this is, in truth, the long and short on't. for i am by all those whom i have spoke to menaced and threatened with a horned fortune, and all of them affirm it is the lot to which from heaven i am predestinated. everyone, answered friar john, that would be a cuckold is not one. if it be thy fate to be hereafter of the number of that horned cattle, then may i conclude with an ergo, thy wife will be beautiful, and ergo, thou wilt be kindly used by her. likewise with this ergo, thou shalt be blessed with the fruition of many friends and well-willers. and finally with this other ergo, thou shalt be saved and have a place in paradise. these are monachal topics and maxims of the cloister. thou mayst take more liberty to sin. thou shalt be more at ease than ever. there will be never the less left for thee, nothing diminished, but thy goods shall increase notably. and if so be it was preordinated for thee, wouldst thou be so impious as not to acquiesce in thy destiny? speak, thou jaded cod. faded c. louting c. appellant c. mouldy c. discouraged c. swagging c. musty c. surfeited c. withered c. paltry c. peevish c. broken-reined c. senseless c. translated c. defective c. foundered c. forlorn c. crestfallen c. distempered c. unsavoury c. felled c. bewrayed c. worm-eaten c. fleeted c. inveigled c. overtoiled c. cloyed c. dangling c. miserable c. squeezed c. stupid c. steeped c. resty c. seedless c. kneaded-with-cold pounded c. soaked c. water c. loose c. coldish c. hacked c. fruitless c. pickled c. flaggy c. riven c. churned c. scrubby c. pursy c. filliped c. drained c. fusty c. singlefied c. haled c. jadish c. begrimed c. lolling c. fistulous c. wrinkled c. drenched c. languishing c. fainted c. burst c. maleficiated c. extenuated c. stirred up c. hectic c. grim c. mitred c. worn out c. wasted c. peddlingly furnished ill-favoured c. inflamed c. c. duncified c. unhinged c. rusty c. macerated c. scurfy c. exhausted c. paralytic c. straddling c. perplexed c. degraded c. putrefied c. unhelved c. benumbed c. maimed c. fizzled c. bat-like c. overlechered c. leprous c. fart-shotten c. druggely c. bruised c. sunburnt c. mitified c. spadonic c. pacified c. goat-ridden c. boughty c. blunted c. weakened c. mealy c. rankling tasted c. ass-ridden c. wrangling c. rooted out c. puff-pasted c. gangrened c. costive c. st. anthonified c. crust-risen c. hailed on c. untriped c. ragged c. cuffed c. blasted c. quelled c. buffeted c. cut off c. braggadocio c. whirreted c. beveraged c. beggarly c. robbed c. scarified c. trepanned c. neglected c. dashed c. bedusked c. lame c. slashed c. emasculated c. confused c. enfeebled c. corked c. unsavoury c. whore-hunting c. transparent c. overthrown c. deteriorated c. vile c. boulted c. chill c. antedated c. trod under c. scrupulous c. chopped c. desolate c. crazed c. pinked c. declining c. tasteless c. cup-glassified c. stinking c. sorrowful c. harsh c. crooked c. murdered c. beaten c. brabbling c. matachin-like c. barred c. rotten c. besotted c. abandoned c. anxious c. customerless c. confounded c. clouted c. minced c. loutish c. tired c. exulcerated c. borne down c. proud c. patched c. sparred c. fractured c. stupified c. abashed c. melancholy c. annihilated c. unseasonable c. coxcombly c. spent c. oppressed c. base c. foiled c. grated c. bleaked c. anguished c. falling away c. detested c. disfigured c. smallcut c. diaphanous c. disabled c. disordered c. unworthy c. forceless c. latticed c. checked c. censured c. ruined c. mangled c. cut c. exasperated c. turned over c. rifled c. rejected c. harried c. undone c. belammed c. flawed c. corrected c. fabricitant c. froward c. slit c. perused c. ugly c. skittish c. emasculated c. drawn c. spongy c. roughly handled c. riven c. botched c. examined c. distasteful c. dejected c. cracked c. hanging c. jagged c. wayward c. broken c. pining c. haggled c. limber c. deformed c. gleaning c. effeminate c. mischieved c. ill-favoured c. kindled c. cobbled c. pulled c. evacuated c. embased c. drooping c. grieved c. ransacked c. faint c. carking c. despised c. parched c. disorderly c. mangy c. paltry c. empty c. abased c. cankered c. disquieted c. supine c. void c. besysted c. mended c. vexed c. confounded c. dismayed c. bestunk c. hooked c. divorous c. winnowed c. unlucky c. wearied c. decayed c. sterile c. sad c. disastrous c. beshitten c. cross c. unhandsome c. appeased c. vain-glorious c. stummed c. caitiff c. poor c. barren c. woeful c. brown c. wretched c. unseemly c. shrunken c. feeble c. heavy c. abhorred c. cast down c. weak c. troubled c. stopped c. prostrated c. scornful c. kept under c. uncomely c. dishonest c. stubborn c. naughty c. reproved c. ground c. laid flat c. cocketed c. retchless c. suffocated c. filthy c. weather-beaten c. held down c. shred c. flayed c. barked c. chawned c. bald c. hairless c. short-winded c. tossed c. flamping c. branchless c. flapping c. hooded c. chapped c. cleft c. wormy c. failing c. meagre c. besysted (in his anxiety to swell his catalogue as much as possible, sir thomas urquhart has set down this word twice.) c. deficient c. dumpified c. faulty c. lean c. suppressed c. bemealed c. consumed c. hagged c. mortified c. used c. jawped c. scurvy c. puzzled c. havocked c. bescabbed c. allayed c. astonished c. torn c. spoiled c. dulled c. subdued c. clagged c. slow c. sneaking c. palsy-stricken c. plucked up c. bare c. amazed c. constipated c. swart c. bedunsed c. blown c. smutched c. extirpated c. blockified c. raised up c. banged c. pommelled c. chopped c. stripped c. all-to-bemauled c. flirted c. hoary c. fallen away c. blained c. blotted c. stale c. rensy c. sunk in c. corrupted c. frowning c. ghastly c. beflowered c. limping c. unpointed c. amated c. ravelled c. beblistered c. blackish c. rammish c. wizened c. underlaid c. gaunt c. beggar-plated c. loathing c. beskimmered c. douf c. ill-filled c. scraggy c. clarty c. bobbed c. lank c. lumpish c. mated c. swashering c. abject c. tawny c. moiling c. side c. whealed c. swinking c. choked up c. besmeared c. harried c. backward c. hollow c. tugged c. prolix c. pantless c. towed c. spotted c. guizened c. misused c. crumpled c. demiss c. adamitical c. frumpled c. refractory c. ballockatso to the devil, my dear friend panurge, seeing it is so decreed by the gods, wouldst thou invert the course of the planets, and make them retrograde? wouldst thou disorder all the celestial spheres, blame the intelligences, blunt the spindles, joint the wherves, slander the spinning quills, reproach the bobbins, revile the clew-bottoms, and finally ravel and untwist all the threads of both the warp and the waft of the weird sister-parcae? what a pox to thy bones dost thou mean, stony cod? thou wouldst if thou couldst, a great deal worse than the giants of old intended to have done. come hither, billicullion. whether wouldst thou be jealous without cause, or be a cuckold and know nothing of it? neither the one nor the other, quoth panurge, would i choose to be. but if i get an inkling of the matter, i will provide well enough, or there shall not be one stick of wood within five hundred leagues about me whereof to make a cudgel. in good faith, friar john, i speak now seriously unto thee, i think it will be my best not to marry. hearken to what the bells do tell me, now that we are nearer to them! do not marry, marry not, not, not, not, not; marry, marry not, not, not, not, not. if thou marry, thou wilt miscarry, carry, carry; thou'lt repent it, resent it, sent it! if thou marry, thou a cuckold, a cou-cou-cuckoo, cou-cou-cuckold thou shalt be. by the worthy wrath of god, i begin to be angry. this campanilian oracle fretteth me to the guts,--a march hare was never in such a chafe as i am. o how i am vexed! you monks and friars of the cowl-pated and hood-polled fraternity, have you no remedy nor salve against this malady of graffing horns in heads? hath nature so abandoned humankind, and of her help left us so destitute, that married men cannot know how to sail through the seas of this mortal life and be safe from the whirlpools, quicksands, rocks, and banks that lie alongst the coast of cornwall. i will, said friar john, show thee a way and teach thee an expedient by means whereof thy wife shall never make thee a cuckold without thy knowledge and thine own consent. do me the favour, i pray thee, quoth panurge, my pretty, soft, downy cod; now tell it, billy, tell it, i beseech thee. take, quoth friar john, hans carvel's ring upon thy finger, who was the king of melinda's chief jeweller. besides that this hans carvel had the reputation of being very skilful and expert in the lapidary's profession, he was a studious, learned, and ingenious man, a scientific person, full of knowledge, a great philosopher, of a sound judgment, of a prime wit, good sense, clear spirited, an honest creature, courteous, charitable, a giver of alms, and of a jovial humour, a boon companion, and a merry blade, if ever there was any in the world. he was somewhat gorbellied, had a little shake in his head, and was in effect unwieldy of his body. in his old age he took to wife the bailiff of concordat's daughter, young, fair, jolly, gallant, spruce, frisk, brisk, neat, feat, smirk, smug, compt, quaint, gay, fine, tricksy, trim, decent, proper, graceful, handsome, beautiful, comely, and kind--a little too much--to her neighbours and acquaintance. hereupon it fell out, after the expiring of a scantling of weeks, that master carvel became as jealous as a tiger, and entered into a very profound suspicion that his new-married gixy did keep a-buttock-stirring with others. to prevent which inconveniency he did tell her many tragical stories of the total ruin of several kingdoms by adultery; did read unto her the legend of chaste wives; then made some lectures to her in the praise of the choice virtue of pudicity, and did present her with a book in commendation of conjugal fidelity; wherein the wickedness of all licentious women was odiously detested; and withal he gave her a chain enriched with pure oriental sapphires. notwithstanding all this, he found her always more and more inclined to the reception of her neighbour copes-mates, that day by day his jealousy increased. in sequel whereof, one night as he was lying by her, whilst in his sleep the rambling fancies of the lecherous deportments of his wife did take up the cellules of his brain, he dreamt that he encountered with the devil, to whom he had discovered to the full the buzzing of his head and suspicion that his wife did tread her shoe awry. the devil, he thought, in this perplexity did for his comfort give him a ring, and therewithal did kindly put it on his middle finger, saying, hans carvel, i give thee this ring,--whilst thou carriest it upon that finger, thy wife shall never carnally be known by any other than thyself without thy special knowledge and consent. gramercy, quoth hans carvel, my lord devil, i renounce mahomet if ever it shall come off my finger. the devil vanished, as is his custom; and then hans carvel, full of joy awaking, found that his middle finger was as far as it could reach within the what-do-by-call-it of his wife. i did forget to tell thee how his wife, as soon as she had felt the finger there, said, in recoiling her buttocks, off, yes, nay, tut, pish, tush, ay, lord, that is not the thing which should be put up in that place. with this hans carvel thought that some pilfering fellow was about to take the ring from him. is not this an infallible and sovereign antidote? therefore, if thou wilt believe me, in imitation of this example never fail to have continually the ring of thy wife's commodity upon thy finger. when that was said, their discourse and their way ended. chapter 3.xxix. how pantagruel convocated together a theologian, physician, lawyer, and philosopher, for extricating panurge out of the perplexity wherein he was. no sooner were they come into the royal palace, but they to the full made report unto pantagruel of the success of their expedition, and showed him the response of raminagrobis. when pantagruel had read it over and over again, the oftener he perused it being the better pleased therewith, he said, in addressing his speech to panurge, i have not as yet seen any answer framed to your demand which affordeth me more contentment. for in this his succinct copy of verses, he summarily and briefly, yet fully enough expresseth how he would have us to understand that everyone in the project and enterprise of marriage ought to be his own carver, sole arbitrator of his proper thoughts, and from himself alone take counsel in the main and peremptory closure of what his determination should be, in either his assent to or dissent from it. such always hath been my opinion to you, and when at first you spoke thereof to me i truly told you this same very thing; but tacitly you scorned my advice, and would not harbour it within your mind. i know for certain, and therefore may i with the greater confidence utter my conception of it, that philauty, or self-love, is that which blinds your judgment and deceiveth you. let us do otherwise, and that is this: whatever we are, or have, consisteth in three things--the soul, the body, and the goods. now, for the preservation of these three, there are three sorts of learned men ordained, each respectively to have care of that one which is recommended to his charge. theologues are appointed for the soul, physicians for the welfare of the body, and lawyers for the safety of our goods. hence it is that it is my resolution to have on sunday next with me at dinner a divine, a physician, and a lawyer, that with those three assembled thus together we may in every point and particle confer at large of your perplexity. by saint picot, answered panurge, we never shall do any good that way, i see it already. and you see yourself how the world is vilely abused, as when with a foxtail one claps another's breech to cajole him. we give our souls to keep to the theologues, who for the greater part are heretics. our bodies we commit to the physicians, who never themselves take any physic. and then we entrust our goods to the lawyers, who never go to law against one another. you speak like a courtier, quoth pantagruel. but the first point of your assertion is to be denied; for we daily see how good theologues make it their chief business, their whole and sole employment, by their deeds, their words, and writings, to extirpate errors and heresies out of the hearts of men, and in their stead profoundly plant the true and lively faith. the second point you spoke of i commend; for, whereas the professors of the art of medicine give so good order to the prophylactic, or conservative part of their faculty, in what concerneth their proper healths, that they stand in no need of making use of the other branch, which is the curative or therapeutic, by medicaments. as for the third, i grant it to be true, for learned advocates and counsellors at law are so much taken up with the affairs of others in their consultations, pleadings, and such-like patrocinations of those who are their clients, that they have no leisure to attend any controversies of their own. therefore, on the next ensuing sunday, let the divine be our godly father hippothadee, the physician our honest master rondibilis, and our legist our friend bridlegoose. nor will it be (to my thinking) amiss, that we enter into the pythagoric field, and choose for an assistant to the three afore-named doctors our ancient faithful acquaintance, the philosopher trouillogan; especially seeing a perfect philosopher, such as is trouillogan, is able positively to resolve all whatsoever doubts you can propose. carpalin, have you a care to have them here all four on sunday next at dinner, without fail. i believe, quoth epistemon, that throughout the whole country, in all the corners thereof, you could not have pitched upon such other four. which i speak not so much in regard of the most excellent qualifications and accomplishments wherewith all of them are endowed for the respective discharge and management of each his own vocation and calling (wherein without all doubt or controversy they are the paragons of the land, and surpass all others), as for that rondibilis is married now, who before was not,--hippothadee was not before, nor is yet,--bridlegoose was married once, but is not now,--and trouillogan is married now, who wedded was to another wife before. sir, if it may stand with your good liking, i will ease carpalin of some parcel of his labour, and invite bridlegoose myself, with whom i of a long time have had a very intimate familiarity, and unto whom i am to speak on the behalf of a pretty hopeful youth who now studieth at toulouse, under the most learned virtuous doctor boissonet. do what you deem most expedient, quoth pantagruel, and tell me if my recommendation can in anything be steadable for the promoval of the good of that youth, or otherwise serve for bettering of the dignity and office of the worthy boissonet, whom i do so love and respect for one of the ablest and most sufficient in his way that anywhere are extant. sir, i will use therein my best endeavours, and heartily bestir myself about it. chapter 3.xxx. how the theologue, hippothadee, giveth counsel to panurge in the matter and business of his nuptial enterprise. the dinner on the subsequent sunday was no sooner made ready than that the afore-named invited guests gave thereto their appearance, all of them, bridlegoose only excepted, who was the deputy-governor of fonsbeton. at the ushering in of the second service panurge, making a low reverence, spake thus: gentlemen, the question i am to propound unto you shall be uttered in very few words--should i marry or no? if my doubt herein be not resolved by you, i shall hold it altogether insolvable, as are the insolubilia de aliaco; for all of you are elected, chosen, and culled out from amongst others, everyone in his own condition and quality, like so many picked peas on a carpet. the father hippothadee, in obedience to the bidding of pantagruel, and with much courtesy to the company, answered exceeding modestly after this manner: my friend, you are pleased to ask counsel of us; but first you must consult with yourself. do you find any trouble or disquiet in your body by the importunate stings and pricklings of the flesh? that i do, quoth panurge, in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure. be not offended, i beseech you, good father, at the freedom of my expression. no truly, friend, not i, quoth hippothadee, there is no reason why i should be displeased therewith. but in this carnal strife and debate of yours have you obtained from god the gift and special grace of continency? in good faith, not, quoth panurge. my counsel to you in that case, my friend, is that you marry, quoth hippothadee; for you should rather choose to marry once than to burn still in fires of concupiscence. then panurge, with a jovial heart and a loud voice, cried out, that is spoke gallantly, without circumbilivaginating about and about, and never hitting it in its centred point. gramercy, my good father! in truth i am resolved now to marry, and without fail i shall do it quickly. i invite you to my wedding. by the body of a hen, we shall make good cheer, and be as merry as crickets. you shall wear the bridegroom's colours, and, if we eat a goose, my wife shall not roast it for me. i will entreat you to lead up the first dance of the bridesmaids, if it may please you to do me so much favour and honour. there resteth yet a small difficulty, a little scruple, yea, even less than nothing, whereof i humbly crave your resolution. shall i be a cuckold, father, yea or no? by no means, answered hippothadee, will you be cuckolded, if it please god. o the lord help us now, quoth panurge; whither are we driven to, good folks? to the conditionals, which, according to the rules and precepts of the dialectic faculty, admit of all contradictions and impossibilities. if my transalpine mule had wings, my transalpine mule would fly, if it please god, i shall not be a cuckold; but i shall be a cuckold, if it please him. good god, if this were a condition which i knew how to prevent, my hopes should be as high as ever, nor would i despair. but you here send me to god's privy council, to the closet of his little pleasures. you, my french countrymen, which is the way you take to go thither? my honest father, i believe it will be your best not to come to my wedding. the clutter and dingle-dangle noise of marriage guests will but disturb you, and break the serious fancies of your brain. you love repose, with solitude and silence; i really believe you will not come. and then you dance but indifferently, and would be out of countenance at the first entry. i will send you some good things to your chamber, together with the bride's favour, and there you may drink our health, if it may stand with your good liking. my friend, quoth hippothadee, take my words in the sense wherein i meant them, and do not misinterpret me. when i tell you,--if it please god,--do i to you any wrong therein? is it an ill expression? is it a blaspheming clause or reserve any way scandalous unto the world? do not we thereby honour the lord god almighty, creator, protector, and conserver of all things? is not that a mean whereby we do acknowledge him to be the sole giver of all whatsoever is good? do not we in that manifest our faith that we believe all things to depend upon his infinite and incomprehensible bounty, and that without him nothing can be produced, nor after its production be of any value, force, or power, without the concurring aid and favour of his assisting grace? is it not a canonical and authentic exception, worthy to be premised to all our undertakings? is it not expedient that what we propose unto ourselves be still referred to what shall be disposed of by the sacred will of god, unto which all things must acquiesce in the heavens as well as on the earth? is not that verily a sanctifying of his holy name? my friend, you shall not be a cuckold, if it please god, nor shall we need to despair of the knowledge of his good will and pleasure herein, as if it were such an abstruse and mysteriously hidden secret that for the clear understanding thereof it were necessary to consult with those of his celestial privy council, or expressly make a voyage unto the empyrean chamber where order is given for the effectuating of his most holy pleasures. the great god hath done us this good, that he hath declared and revealed them to us openly and plainly, and described them in the holy bible. there will you find that you shall never be a cuckold, that is to say, your wife shall never be a strumpet, if you make choice of one of a commendable extraction, descended of honest parents, and instructed in all piety and virtue--such a one as hath not at any time haunted or frequented the company or conversation of those that are of corrupt and depraved manners, one loving and fearing god, who taketh a singular delight in drawing near to him by faith and the cordial observing of his sacred commandments--and finally, one who, standing in awe of the divine majesty of the most high, will be loth to offend him and lose the favourable kindness of his grace through any defect of faith or transgression against the ordinances of his holy law, wherein adultery is most rigorously forbidden and a close adherence to her husband alone most strictly and severely enjoined; yea, in such sort that she is to cherish, serve, and love him above anything, next to god, that meriteth to be beloved. in the interim, for the better schooling of her in these instructions, and that the wholesome doctrine of a matrimonial duty may take the deeper root in her mind, you must needs carry yourself so on your part, and your behaviour is to be such, that you are to go before her in a good example, by entertaining her unfeignedly with a conjugal amity, by continually approving yourself in all your words and actions a faithful and discreet husband; and by living, not only at home and privately with your own household and family, but in the face also of all men and open view of the world, devoutly, virtuously, and chastely, as you would have her on her side to deport and to demean herself towards you, as becomes a godly, loyal, and respectful wife, who maketh conscience to keep inviolable the tie of a matrimonial oath. for as that looking-glass is not the best which is most decked with gold and precious stones, but that which representeth to the eye the liveliest shapes of objects set before it, even so that wife should not be most esteemed who richest is and of the noblest race, but she who, fearing god, conforms herself nearest unto the humour of her husband. consider how the moon doth not borrow her light from jupiter, mars, mercury, or any other of the planets, nor yet from any of those splendid stars which are set in the spangled firmament, but from her husband only, the bright sun, which she receiveth from him more or less, according to the manner of his aspect and variously bestowed eradiations. just so should you be a pattern to your wife in virtue, goodly zeal, and true devotion, that by your radiance in darting on her the aspect of an exemplary goodness, she, in your imitation, may outshine the luminaries of all other women. to this effect you daily must implore god's grace to the protection of you both. you would have me then, quoth panurge, twisting the whiskers of his beard on either side with the thumb and forefinger of his left hand, to espouse and take to wife the prudent frugal woman described by solomon. without all doubt she is dead, and truly to my best remembrance i never saw her; the lord forgive me! nevertheless, i thank you, father. eat this slice of marchpane, it will help your digestion; then shall you be presented with a cup of claret hippocras, which is right healthful and stomachal. let us proceed. chapter 3.xxxi. how the physician rondibilis counselleth panurge. panurge, continuing his discourse, said, the first word which was spoken by him who gelded the lubberly, quaffing monks of saussiniac, after that he had unstoned friar cauldaureil, was this, to the rest. in like manner, i say, to the rest. therefore i beseech you, my good master rondibilis, should i marry or not? by the raking pace of my mule, quoth rondibilis, i know not what answer to make to this problem of yours. you say that you feel in you the pricking stings of sensuality, by which you are stirred up to venery. i find in our faculty of medicine, and we have founded our opinion therein upon the deliberate resolution and final decision of the ancient platonics, that carnal concupiscence is cooled and quelled five several ways. first, by the means of wine. i shall easily believe that, quoth friar john, for when i am well whittled with the juice of the grape i care for nothing else, so i may sleep. when i say, quoth rondibilis, that wine abateth lust, my meaning is, wine immoderately taken; for by intemperancy proceeding from the excessive drinking of strong liquor there is brought upon the body of such a swill-down boozer a chillness in the blood, a slackening in the sinews, a dissipation of the generative seed, a numbness and hebetation of the senses, with a perversive wryness and convulsion of the muscles--all which are great lets and impediments to the act of generation. hence it is that bacchus, the god of bibbers, tipplers, and drunkards, is most commonly painted beardless and clad in a woman's habit, as a person altogether effeminate, or like a libbed eunuch. wine, nevertheless, taken moderately, worketh quite contrary effects, as is implied by the old proverb, which saith that venus takes cold when not accompanied with ceres and bacchus. this opinion is of great antiquity, as appeareth by the testimony of diodorus the sicilian, and confirmed by pausanias, and universally held amongst the lampsacians, that don priapus was the son of bacchus and venus. secondly, the fervency of lust is abated by certain drugs, plants, herbs, and roots, which make the taker cold, maleficiated, unfit for, and unable to perform the act of generation; as hath been often experimented in the water-lily, heraclea, agnus castus, willow-twigs, hemp-stalks, woodbine, honeysuckle, tamarisk, chaste tree, mandrake, bennet, keckbugloss, the skin of a hippopotam, and many other such, which, by convenient doses proportioned to the peccant humour and constitution of the patient, being duly and seasonably received within the body--what by their elementary virtues on the one side and peculiar properties on the other--do either benumb, mortify, and beclumpse with cold the prolific semence, or scatter and disperse the spirits which ought to have gone along with and conducted the sperm to the places destined and appointed for its reception, or lastly, shut up, stop, and obstruct the ways, passages, and conduits through which the seed should have been expelled, evacuated, and ejected. we have nevertheless of those ingredients which, being of a contrary operation, heat the blood, bend the nerves, unite the spirits, quicken the senses, strengthen the muscles, and thereby rouse up, provoke, excite, and enable a man to the vigorous accomplishment of the feat of amorous dalliance. i have no need of those, quoth panurge, god be thanked, and you, my good master. howsoever, i pray you, take no exception or offence at these my words; for what i have said was not out of any illwill i did bear to you, the lord he knows. thirdly, the ardour of lechery is very much subdued and mated by frequent labour and continual toiling. for by painful exercises and laborious working so great a dissolution is brought upon the whole body, that the blood, which runneth alongst the channels of the veins thereof for the nourishment and alimentation of each of its members, hath neither time, leisure, nor power to afford the seminal resudation, or superfluity of the third concoction, which nature most carefully reserves for the conservation of the individual, whose preservation she more heedfully regardeth than the propagating of the species and the multiplication of humankind. whence it is that diana is said to be chaste, because she is never idle, but always busied about her hunting. for the same reason was a camp or leaguer of old called castrum, as if they would have said castum; because the soldiers, wrestlers, runners, throwers of the bar, and other such-like athletic champions as are usually seen in a military circumvallation, do incessantly travail and turmoil, and are in a perpetual stir and agitation. to this purpose hippocrates also writeth in his book, de aere, aqua et locis, that in his time there were people in scythia as impotent as eunuchs in the discharge of a venerean exploit, because that without any cessation, pause, or respite they were never from off horseback, or otherwise assiduously employed in some troublesome and molesting drudgery. on the other part, in opposition and repugnancy hereto, the philosophers say that idleness is the mother of luxury. when it was asked ovid, why aegisthus became an adulterer? he made no other answer but this, because he was idle. who were able to rid the world of loitering and laziness might easily frustrate and disappoint cupid of all his designs, aims, engines, and devices, and so disable and appal him that his bow, quiver, and darts should from thenceforth be a mere needless load and burden to him, for that it could not then lie in his power to strike or wound any of either sex with all the arms he had. he is not, i believe, so expert an archer as that he can hit the cranes flying in the air, or yet the young stags skipping through the thickets, as the parthians knew well how to do; that is to say, people moiling, stirring and hurrying up and down, restless, and without repose. he must have those hushed, still, quiet, lying at a stay, lither, and full of ease, whom he is able, though his mother help him, to touch, much less to pierce with all his arrows. in confirmation hereof, theophrastus, being asked on a time what kind of beast or thing he judged a toyish, wanton love to be? he made answer, that it was a passion of idle and sluggish spirits. from which pretty description of tickling love-tricks that of diogenes's hatching was not very discrepant, when he defined lechery the occupation of folks destitute of all other occupation. for this cause the syconian engraver canachus, being desirous to give us to understand that sloth, drowsiness, negligence, and laziness were the prime guardians and governesses of ribaldry, made the statue of venus, not standing, as other stone-cutters had used to do, but sitting. fourthly, the tickling pricks of incontinency are blunted by an eager study; for from thence proceedeth an incredible resolution of the spirits, that oftentimes there do not remain so many behind as may suffice to push and thrust forwards the generative resudation to the places thereto appropriated, and therewithal inflate the cavernous nerve whose office is to ejaculate the moisture for the propagation of human progeny. lest you should think it is not so, be pleased but to contemplate a little the form, fashion, and carriage of a man exceeding earnestly set upon some learned meditation, and deeply plunged therein, and you shall see how all the arteries of his brains are stretched forth and bent like the string of a crossbow, the more promptly, dexterously, and copiously to suppeditate, furnish, and supply him with store of spirits sufficient to replenish and fill up the ventricles, seats, tunnels, mansions, receptacles, and cellules of the common sense,--of the imagination, apprehension, and fancy,--of the ratiocination, arguing, and resolution,--as likewise of the memory, recordation, and remembrance; and with great alacrity, nimbleness, and agility to run, pass, and course from the one to the other, through those pipes, windings, and conduits which to skilful anatomists are perceivable at the end of the wonderful net where all the arteries close in a terminating point; which arteries, taking their rise and origin from the left capsule of the heart, bring through several circuits, ambages, and anfractuosities, the vital, to subtilize and refine them to the ethereal purity of animal spirits. nay, in such a studiously musing person you may espy so extravagant raptures of one as it were out of himself, that all his natural faculties for that time will seem to be suspended from each their proper charge and office, and his exterior senses to be at a stand. in a word, you cannot otherwise choose than think that he is by an extraordinary ecstasy quite transported out of what he was, or should be; and that socrates did not speak improperly when he said that philosophy was nothing else but a meditation upon death. this possibly is the reason why democritus deprived himself of the sense of seeing, prizing at a much lower rate the loss of his sight than the diminution of his contemplations, which he frequently had found disturbed by the vagrant, flying-out strayings of his unsettled and roving eyes. therefore is it that pallas, the goddess of wisdom, tutoress and guardianess of such as are diligently studious and painfully industrious, is, and hath been still accounted a virgin. the muses upon the same consideration are esteemed perpetual maids; and the graces, for the like reason, have been held to continue in a sempiternal pudicity. i remember to have read that cupid, on a time being asked of his mother venus why he did not assault and set upon the muses, his answer was that he found them so fair, so sweet, so fine, so neat, so wise, so learned, so modest, so discreet, so courteous, so virtuous, and so continually busied and employed,--one in the speculation of the stars,--another in the supputation of numbers,--the third in the dimension of geometrical quantities,--the fourth in the composition of heroic poems,--the fifth in the jovial interludes of a comic strain,--the sixth in the stately gravity of a tragic vein,--the seventh in the melodious disposition of musical airs,--the eighth in the completest manner of writing histories and books on all sorts of subjects,--and the ninth in the mysteries, secrets, and curiosities of all sciences, faculties, disciplines, and arts whatsoever, whether liberal or mechanic,--that approaching near unto them he unbended his bow, shut his quiver, and extinguished his torch, through mere shame and fear that by mischance he might do them some hurt or prejudice. which done, he thereafter put off the fillet wherewith his eyes were bound to look them in the face, and to hear their melody and poetic odes. there took he the greatest pleasure in the world, that many times he was transported with their beauty and pretty behaviour, and charmed asleep by the harmony; so far was he from assaulting them or interrupting their studies. under this article may be comprised what hippocrates wrote in the afore-cited treatise concerning the scythians; as also that in a book of his entitled of breeding and production, where he hath affirmed all such men to be unfit for generation as have their parotid arteries cut--whose situation is beside the ears--for the reason given already when i was speaking of the resolution of the spirits and of that spiritual blood whereof the arteries are the sole and proper receptacles, and that likewise he doth maintain a large portion of the parastatic liquor to issue and descend from the brains and backbone. fifthly, by the too frequent reiteration of the act of venery. there did i wait for you, quoth panurge, and shall willingly apply it to myself, whilst anyone that pleaseth may, for me, make use of any of the four preceding. that is the very same thing, quoth friar john, which father scyllino, prior of saint victor at marseilles, calleth by the name of maceration and taming of the flesh. i am of the same opinion,--and so was the hermit of saint radegonde, a little above chinon; for, quoth he, the hermits of thebaide can no more aptly or expediently macerate and bring down the pride of their bodies, daunt and mortify their lecherous sensuality, or depress and overcome the stubbornness and rebellion of the flesh, than by duffling and fanfreluching it five-and-twenty or thirty times a day. i see panurge, quoth rondibilis, neatly featured and proportioned in all the members of his body, of a good temperament in his humours, well-complexioned in his spirits, of a competent age, in an opportune time, and of a reasonably forward mind to be married. truly, if he encounter with a wife of the like nature, temperament, and constitution, he may beget upon her children worthy of some transpontine monarchy; and the sooner he marry it will be the better for him, and the more conducible for his profit if he would see and have his children in his own time well provided for. sir, my worthy master, quoth panurge, i will do it, do not you doubt thereof, and that quickly enough, i warrant you. nevertheless, whilst you were busied in the uttering of your learned discourse, this flea which i have in mine ear hath tickled me more than ever. i retain you in the number of my festival guests, and promise you that we shall not want for mirth and good cheer enough, yea, over and above the ordinary rate. and, if it may please you, desire your wife to come along with you, together with her she-friends and neighbours--that is to be understood--and there shall be fair play. chapter 3.xxxii. how rondibilis declareth cuckoldry to be naturally one of the appendances of marriage. there remaineth as yet, quoth panurge, going on in his discourse, one small scruple to be cleared. you have seen heretofore, i doubt not, in the roman standards, s.p.q.r., si, peu, que, rien. shall not i be a cuckold? by the haven of safety, cried out rondibilis, what is this you ask of me? if you shall be a cuckold? my noble friend, i am married, and you are like to be so very speedily; therefore be pleased, from my experiment in the matter, to write in your brain with a steel pen this subsequent ditton, there is no married man who doth not run the hazard of being made a cuckold. cuckoldry naturally attendeth marriage. the shadow doth not more naturally follow the body, than cuckoldry ensueth after marriage to place fair horns upon the husbands' heads. and when you shall happen to hear any man pronounce these three words, he is married; if you then say he is, hath been, shall be, or may be a cuckold, you will not be accounted an unskilful artist in framing of true consequences. tripes and bowels of all the devils, cries panurge, what do you tell me? my dear friend, answered rondibilis, as hippocrates on a time was in the very nick of setting forwards from lango to polystilo to visit the philosopher democritus, he wrote a familiar letter to his friend dionysius, wherein he desired him that he would, during the interval of his absence, carry his wife to the house of her father and mother, who were an honourable couple and of good repute; because i would not have her at my home, said he, to make abode in solitude. yet, notwithstanding this her residence beside her parents, do not fail, quoth he, with a most heedful care and circumspection to pry into her ways, and to espy what places she shall go to with her mother, and who those be that shall repair unto her. not, quoth he, that i do mistrust her virtue, or that i seem to have any diffidence of her pudicity and chaste behaviour,--for of that i have frequently had good and real proofs,--but i must freely tell you, she is a woman. there lies the suspicion. my worthy friend, the nature of women is set forth before our eyes and represented to us by the moon, in divers other things as well as in this, that they squat, skulk, constrain their own inclinations, and, with all the cunning they can, dissemble and play the hypocrite in the sight and presence of their husbands; who come no sooner to be out of the way, but that forthwith they take their advantage, pass the time merrily, desist from all labour, frolic it, gad abroad, lay aside their counterfeit garb, and openly declare and manifest the interior of their dispositions, even as the moon, when she is in conjunction with the sun, is neither seen in the heavens nor on the earth, but in her opposition, when remotest from him, shineth in her greatest fulness, and wholly appeareth in her brightest splendour whilst it is night. thus women are but women. when i say womankind, i speak of a sex so frail, so variable, so changeable, so fickle, inconstant, and imperfect, that in my opinion nature, under favour, nevertheless, of the prime honour and reverence which is due unto her, did in a manner mistake the road which she had traced formerly, and stray exceedingly from that excellence of providential judgment by the which she had created and formed all other things, when she built, framed, and made up the woman. and having thought upon it a hundred and five times, i know not what else to determine therein, save only that in the devising, hammering, forging, and composing of the woman she hath had a much tenderer regard, and by a great deal more respectful heed to the delightful consortship and sociable delectation of the man, than to the perfection and accomplishment of the individual womanishness or muliebrity. the divine philosopher plato was doubtful in what rank of living creatures to place and collocate them, whether amongst the rational animals, by elevating them to an upper seat in the specifical classis of humanity, or with the irrational, by degrading them to a lower bench on the opposite side, of a brutal kind, and mere bestiality. for nature hath posited in a privy, secret, and intestine place of their bodies, a sort of member, by some not impertinently termed an animal, which is not to be found in men. therein sometimes are engendered certain humours so saltish, brackish, clammy, sharp, nipping, tearing, prickling, and most eagerly tickling, that by their stinging acrimony, rending nitrosity, figging itch, wriggling mordicancy, and smarting salsitude (for the said member is altogether sinewy and of a most quick and lively feeling), their whole body is shaken and ebrangled, their senses totally ravished and transported, the operations of their judgment and understanding utterly confounded, and all disordinate passions and perturbations of the mind thoroughly and absolutely allowed, admitted, and approved of; yea, in such sort that if nature had not been so favourable unto them as to have sprinkled their forehead with a little tincture of bashfulness and modesty, you should see them in a so frantic mood run mad after lechery, and hie apace up and down with haste and lust, in quest of and to fix some chamber-standard in their paphian ground, that never did the proetides, mimallonides, nor lyaean thyades deport themselves in the time of their bacchanalian festivals more shamelessly, or with a so affronted and brazen-faced impudency; because this terrible animal is knit unto, and hath an union with all the chief and most principal parts of the body, as to anatomists is evident. let it not here be thought strange that i should call it an animal, seeing therein i do no otherwise than follow and adhere to the doctrine of the academic and peripatetic philosophers. for if a proper motion be a certain mark and infallible token of the life and animation of the mover, as aristotle writeth, and that any such thing as moveth of itself ought to be held animated and of a living nature, then assuredly plato with very good reason did give it the denomination of an animal, for that he perceived and observed in it the proper and self-stirring motions of suffocation, precipitation, corrugation, and of indignation so extremely violent, that oftentimes by them is taken and removed from the woman all other sense and moving whatsoever, as if she were in a swounding lipothymy, benumbing syncope, epileptic, apoplectic palsy, and true resemblance of a pale-faced death. furthermore, in the said member there is a manifest discerning faculty of scents and odours very perceptible to women, who feel it fly from what is rank and unsavoury, and follow fragrant and aromatic smells. it is not unknown to me how cl. galen striveth with might and main to prove that these are not proper and particular notions proceeding intrinsically from the thing itself, but accidentally and by chance. nor hath it escaped my notice how others of that sect have laboured hardly, yea, to the utmost of their abilities, to demonstrate that it is not a sensitive discerning or perception in it of the difference of wafts and smells, but merely a various manner of virtue and efficacy passing forth and flowing from the diversity of odoriferous substances applied near unto it. nevertheless, if you will studiously examine and seriously ponder and weigh in critolaus's balance the strength of their reasons and arguments, you shall find that they, not only in this, but in several other matters also of the like nature, have spoken at random, and rather out of an ambitious envy to check and reprehend their betters than for any design to make inquiry into the solid truth. i will not launch my little skiff any further into the wide ocean of this dispute, only will i tell you that the praise and commendation is not mean and slender which is due to those honest and good women who, living chastely and without blame, have had the power and virtue to curb, range, and subdue that unbridled, heady, and wild animal to an obedient, submissive, and obsequious yielding unto reason. therefore here will i make an end of my discourse thereon, when i shall have told you that the said animal being once satiated--if it be possible that it can be contented or satisfied--by that aliment which nature hath provided for it out of the epididymal storehouse of man, all its former and irregular and disordered motions are at an end, laid, and assuaged, all its vehement and unruly longings lulled, pacified, and quieted, and all the furious and raging lusts, appetites, and desires thereof appeased, calmed, and extinguished. for this cause let it seem nothing strange unto you if we be in a perpetual danger of being cuckolds, that is to say, such of us as have not wherewithal fully to satisfy the appetite and expectation of that voracious animal. odds fish! quoth panurge, have you no preventive cure in all your medicinal art for hindering one's head to be horny-graffed at home whilst his feet are plodding abroad? yes, that i have, my gallant friend, answered rondibilis, and that which is a sovereign remedy, whereof i frequently make use myself; and, that you may the better relish, it is set down and written in the book of a most famous author, whose renown is of a standing of two thousand years. hearken and take good heed. you are, quoth panurge, by cockshobby, a right honest man, and i love you with all my heart. eat a little of this quince-pie; it is very proper and convenient for the shutting up of the orifice of the ventricle of the stomach, because of a kind of astringent stypticity which is in that sort of fruit, and is helpful to the first concoction. but what? i think i speak latin before clerks. stay till i give you somewhat to drink out of this nestorian goblet. will you have another draught of white hippocras? be not afraid of the squinzy, no. there is neither squinant, ginger, nor grains in it; only a little choice cinnamon, and some of the best refined sugar, with the delicious white wine of the growth of that vine which was set in the slips of the great sorbapple above the walnut-tree. chapter 3.xxxiii. rondibilis the physician's cure of cuckoldry. at that time, quoth rondibilis, when jupiter took a view of the state of his olympic house and family, and that he had made the calendar of all the gods and goddesses, appointing unto the festival of every one of them its proper day and season, establishing certain fixed places and stations for the pronouncing of oracles and relief of travelling pilgrims, and ordaining victims, immolations, and sacrifices suitable and correspondent to the dignity and nature of the worshipped and adored deity--did not he do, asked panurge, therein as tintouille, the bishop of auxerre, is said once to have done? this noble prelate loved entirely the pure liquor of the grape, as every honest and judicious man doth; therefore was it that he had an especial care and regard to the bud of the vine-tree as to the great-grandfather of bacchus. but so it is, that for sundry years together he saw a most pitiful havoc, desolation, and destruction made amongst the sprouts, shootings, buds, blossoms, and scions of the vines by hoary frost, dank fogs, hot mists, unseasonable colds, chill blasts, thick hail, and other calamitous chances of foul weather, happening, as he thought, by the dismal inauspiciousness of the holy days of st. george, st. mary, st. paul, st. eutrope, holy rood, the ascension, and other festivals, in that time when the sun passeth under the sign of taurus; and thereupon harboured in his mind this opinion, that the afore-named saints were saint hail-flingers, saint frost-senders, saint fog-mongers, and saint spoilers of the vine-buds. for which cause he went about to have transmitted their feasts from the spring to the winter, to be celebrated between christmas and epiphany, so the mother of the three kings called it, allowing them with all honour and reverence the liberty then to freeze, hail, and rain as much as they would; for that he knew that at such a time frost was rather profitable than hurtful to the vine-buds, and in their steads to have placed the festivals of st. christopher, st. john the baptist, st. magdalene, st. anne, st. domingo, and st. lawrence; yea, and to have gone so far as to collocate and transpose the middle of august in and to the beginning of may, because during the whole space of their solemnity there was so little danger of hoary frosts and cold mists, that no artificers are then held in greater request than the afforders of refrigerating inventions, makers of junkets, fit disposers of cooling shades, composers of green arbours, and refreshers of wine. jupiter, said rondibilis, forgot the poor devil cuckoldry, who was then in the court at paris very eagerly soliciting a peddling suit at law for one of his vassals and tenants. within some few days thereafter, i have forgot how many, when he got full notice of the trick which in his absence was done unto him, he instantly desisted from prosecuting legal processes in the behalf of others, full of solicitude to pursue after his own business, lest he should be foreclosed, and thereupon he appeared personally at the tribunal of the great jupiter, displayed before him the importance of his preceding merits, together with the acceptable services which in obedience to his commandments he had formerly performed; and therefore in all humility begged of him that he would be pleased not to leave him alone amongst all the sacred potentates, destitute and void of honour, reverence, sacrifices, and festival ceremonies. to this petition jupiter's answer was excusatory, that all the places and offices of his house were bestowed. nevertheless, so importuned was he by the continual supplications of monsieur cuckoldry, that he, in fine, placed him in the rank, list, roll, rubric, and catalogue, and appointed honours, sacrifices, and festival rites to be observed on earth in great devotion, and tendered to him with solemnity. the feast, because there was no void, empty, nor vacant place in all the calendar, was to be celebrated jointly with, and on the same day that had been consecrated to the goddess jealousy. his power and dominion should be over married folks, especially such as had handsome wives. his sacrifices were to be suspicion, diffidence, mistrust, a lowering pouting sullenness, watchings, wardings, researchings, plyings, explorations, together with the waylayings, ambushes, narrow observations, and malicious doggings of the husband's scouts and espials of the most privy actions of their wives. herewithal every married man was expressly and rigorously commanded to reverence, honour, and worship him, to celebrate and solemnize his festival with twice more respect than that of any other saint or deity, and to immolate unto him with all sincerity and alacrity of heart the above-mentioned sacrifices and oblations, under pain of severe censures, threatenings, and comminations of these subsequent fines, mulcts, amerciaments, penalties, and punishments to be inflicted on the delinquents: that monsieur cuckoldry should never be favourable nor propitious to them; that he should never help, aid, supply, succour, nor grant them any subventitious furtherance, auxiliary suffrage, or adminiculary assistance; that he should never hold them in any reckoning, account, or estimation; that he should never deign to enter within their houses, neither at the doors, windows, nor any other place thereof; that he should never haunt nor frequent their companies or conversations, how frequently soever they should invocate him and call upon his name; and that not only he should leave and abandon them to rot alone with their wives in a sempiternal solitariness, without the benefit of the diversion of any copes-mate or corrival at all, but should withal shun and eschew them, fly from them, and eternally forsake and reject them as impious heretics and sacrilegious persons, according to the accustomed manner of other gods towards such as are too slack in offering up the duties and reverences which ought to be performed respectively to their divinities--as is evidently apparent in bacchus towards negligent vine-dressers; in ceres, against idle ploughmen and tillers of the ground; in pomona, to unworthy fruiterers and costard-mongers; in neptune, towards dissolute mariners and seafaring men, in vulcan, towards loitering smiths and forgemen; and so throughout the rest. now, on the contrary, this infallible promise was added, that unto all those who should make a holy day of the above-recited festival, and cease from all manner of worldly work and negotiation, lay aside all their own most important occasions, and to be so retchless, heedless, and careless of what might concern the management of their proper affairs as to mind nothing else but a suspicious espying and prying into the secret deportments of their wives, and how to coop, shut up, hold at under, and deal cruelly and austerely with them by all the harshness and hardships that an implacable and every way inexorable jealousy can devise and suggest, conform to the sacred ordinances of the afore-mentioned sacrifices and oblations, he should be continually favourable to them, should love them, sociably converse with them, should be day and night in their houses, and never leave them destitute of his presence. now i have said, and you have heard my cure. ha, ha, ha! quoth carpalin, laughing; this is a remedy yet more apt and proper than hans carvel's ring. the devil take me if i do not believe it! the humour, inclination, and nature of women is like the thunder, whose force in its bolt or otherwise burneth, bruiseth, and breaketh only hard, massive, and resisting objects, without staying or stopping at soft, empty, and yielding matters. for it pasheth into pieces the steel sword without doing any hurt to the velvet scabbard which ensheatheth it. it chrusheth also and consumeth the bones without wounding or endamaging the flesh wherewith they are veiled and covered. just so it is that women for the greater part never bend the contention, subtlety, and contradictory disposition of their spirits unless it be to do what is prohibited and forbidden. verily, quoth hippothadee, some of our doctors aver for a truth that the first woman of the world, whom the hebrews call eve, had hardly been induced or allured into the temptation of eating of the fruit of the tree of life if it had not been forbidden her so to do. and that you may give the more credit to the validity of this opinion, consider how the cautelous and wily tempter did commemorate unto her, for an antecedent to his enthymeme, the prohibition which was made to taste it, as being desirous to infer from thence, it is forbidden thee; therefore thou shouldst eat of it, else thou canst not be a woman. chapter 3.xxxiv. how women ordinarily have the greatest longing after things prohibited. when i was, quoth carpalin, a whoremaster at orleans, the whole art of rhetoric, in all its tropes and figures, was not able to afford unto me a colour or flourish of greater force and value, nor could i by any other form or manner of elocution pitch upon a more persuasive argument for bringing young beautiful married ladies into the snares of adultery, through alluring and enticing them to taste with me of amorous delights, than with a lively sprightfulness to tell them in downright terms, and to remonstrate to them with a great show of detestation of a crime so horrid, how their husbands were jealous. this was none of my invention. it is written, and we have laws, examples, reasons, and daily experiences confirmative of the same. if this belief once enter into their noddles, their husbands will infallibly be cuckolds; yea, by god, will they, without swearing, although they should do like semiramis, pasiphae, egesta, the women of the isle mandez in egypt, and other such-like queanish flirting harlots mentioned in the writings of herodotus, strabo, and such-like puppies. truly, quoth ponocrates, i have heard it related, and it hath been told me for a verity, that pope john xxii., passing on a day through the abbey of toucherome, was in all humility required and besought by the abbess and other discreet mothers of the said convent to grant them an indulgence by means whereof they might confess themselves to one another, alleging that religious women were subject to some petty secret slips and imperfections which would be a foul and burning shame for them to discover and to reveal to men, how sacerdotal soever their functions were; but that they would freelier, more familiarly, and with greater cheerfulness, open to each other their offences, faults, and escapes under the seal of confession. there is not anything, answered the pope, fitting for you to impetrate of me which i would not most willingly condescend unto; but i find one inconvenience. you know confession should be kept secret, and women are not able to do so. exceeding well, quoth they, most holy father, and much more closely than the best of men. the said pope on the very same day gave them in keeping a pretty box, wherein he purposely caused a little linnet to be put, willing them very gently and courteously to lock it up in some sure and hidden place, and promising them, by the faith of a pope, that he should yield to their request if they would keep secret what was enclosed within that deposited box, enjoining them withal not to presume one way nor other, directly or indirectly, to go about the opening thereof, under pain of the highest ecclesiastical censure, eternal excommunication. the prohibition was no sooner made but that they did all of them boil with a most ardent desire to know and see what kind of thing it was that was within it. they thought long already that the pope was not gone, to the end they might jointly, with the more leisure and ease, apply themselves to the box-opening curiosity. the holy father, after he had given them his benediction, retired and withdrew himself to the pontifical lodgings of his own palace. but he was hardly gone three steps from without the gates of their cloister when the good ladies throngingly, and as in a huddled crowd, pressing hard on the backs of one another, ran thrusting and shoving who should be first at the setting open of the forbidden box and descrying of the quod latitat within. on the very next day thereafter the pope made them another visit, of a full design, purpose, and intention, as they imagined, to despatch the grant of their sought and wished-for indulgence. but before he would enter into any chat or communing with them, he commanded the casket to be brought unto him. it was done so accordingly; but, by your leave, the bird was no more there. then was it that the pope did represent to their maternities how hard a matter and difficult it was for them to keep secrets revealed to them in confession unmanifested to the ears of others, seeing for the space of four-and-twenty hours they were not able to lay up in secret a box which he had highly recommended to their discretion, charge, and custody. welcome, in good faith, my dear master, welcome! it did me good to hear you talk, the lord be praised for all! i do not remember to have seen you before now, since the last time that you acted at montpellier with our ancient friends, anthony saporra, guy bourguyer, balthasar noyer, tolet, john quentin, francis robinet, john perdrier, and francis rabelais, the moral comedy of him who had espoused and married a dumb wife. i was there, quoth epistemon. the good honest man her husband was very earnestly urgent to have the fillet of her tongue untied, and would needs have her speak by any means. at his desire some pains were taken on her, and partly by the industry of the physician, other part by the expertness of the surgeon, the encyliglotte which she had under her tongue being cut, she spoke and spoke again; yea, within a few hours she spoke so loud, so much, so fiercely, and so long, that her poor husband returned to the same physician for a recipe to make her hold her peace. there are, quoth the physician, many proper remedies in our art to make dumb women speak, but there are none that ever i could learn therein to make them silent. the only cure which i have found out is their husband's deafness. the wretch became within few weeks thereafter, by virtue of some drugs, charms, or enchantments which the physician had prescribed unto him, so deaf that he could not have heard the thundering of nineteen hundred cannons at a salvo. his wife perceiving that indeed he was as deaf as a door-nail, and that her scolding was but in vain, sith that he heard her not, she grew stark mad. some time after the doctor asked for his fee of the husband, who answered that truly he was deaf, and so was not able to understand what the tenour of his demand might be. whereupon the leech bedusted him with a little, i know not what, sort of powder, which rendered him a fool immediately, so great was the stultificating virtue of that strange kind of pulverized dose. then did this fool of a husband and his mad wife join together, and, falling on the doctor and the surgeon, did so scratch, bethwack, and bang them that they were left half dead upon the place, so furious were the blows which they received. i never in my lifetime laughed so much as at the acting of that buffoonery. let us come to where we left off, quoth panurge. your words, being translated from the clapper-dudgeons to plain english, do signify that it is not very inexpedient that i marry, and that i should not care for being a cuckold. you have there hit the nail on the head. i believe, master doctor, that on the day of my marriage you will be so much taken up with your patients, or otherwise so seriously employed, that we shall not enjoy your company. sir, i will heartily excuse your absence. stercus et urina medici sunt prandia prima. ex aliis paleas, ex istis collige grana. you are mistaken, quoth rondibilis, in the second verse of our distich, for it ought to run thus- nobis sunt signa, vobis sunt prandia digna. if my wife at any time prove to be unwell and ill at ease, i will look upon the water which she shall have made in an urinal glass, quoth rondibilis, grope her pulse, and see the disposition of her hypogaster, together with her umbilicary parts--according to the prescript rule of hippocrates, 2. aph. 35--before i proceed any further in the cure of her distemper. no, no, quoth panurge, that will be but to little purpose. such a feat is for the practice of us that are lawyers, who have the rubric, de ventre inspiciendo. do not therefore trouble yourself about it, master doctor; i will provide for her a plaster of warm guts. do not neglect your more urgent occasions otherwhere for coming to my wedding. i will send you some supply of victuals to your own house, without putting you to the trouble of coming abroad, and you shall always be my special friend. with this, approaching somewhat nearer to him, he clapped into his hand, without the speaking of so much as one word, four rose nobles. rondibilis did shut his fist upon them right kindly; yet, as if it had displeased him to make acceptance of such golden presents, he in a start, as if he had been wroth, said, he he, he, he, he! there was no need of anything; i thank you nevertheless. from wicked folks i never get enough, and i from honest people refuse nothing. i shall be always, sir, at your command. provided that i pay you well, quoth panurge. that, quoth rondibilis, is understood. chapter 3.xxxv. how the philosopher trouillogan handleth the difficulty of marriage. as this discourse was ended, pantagruel said to the philosopher trouillogan, our loyal, honest, true, and trusty friend, the lamp from hand to hand is come to you. it falleth to your turn to give an answer: should panurge, pray you, marry, yea or no? he should do both, quoth trouillogan. what say you? asked panurge. that which you have heard, answered trouillogan. what have i heard? replied panurge. that which i have said, replied trouillogan. ha, ha, ha! are we come to that pass? quoth panurge. let it go nevertheless, i do not value it at a rush, seeing we can make no better of the game. but howsoever tell me, should i marry or no? neither the one nor the other, answered trouillogan. the devil take me, quoth panurge, if these odd answers do not make me dote, and may he snatch me presently away if i do understand you. stay awhile until i fasten these spectacles of mine on this left ear, that i may hear you better. with this pantagruel perceived at the door of the great hall, which was that day their dining-room, gargantua's little dog, whose name was kyne; for so was toby's dog called, as is recorded. then did he say to these who were there present, our king is not far off,--let us all rise. that word was scarcely sooner uttered, than that gargantua with his royal presence graced that banqueting and stately hall. each of the guests arose to do their king that reverence and duty which became them. after that gargantua had most affably saluted all the gentlemen there present, he said, good friends, i beg this favour of you, and therein you will very much oblige me, that you leave not the places where you sate nor quit the discourse you were upon. let a chair be brought hither unto this end of the table, and reach me a cupful of the strongest and best wine you have, that i may drink to all the company. you are, in faith, all welcome, gentlemen. now let me know what talk you were about. to this pantagruel answered that at the beginning of the second service panurge had proposed a problematic theme, to wit, whether he should marry, or not marry? that father hippothadee and doctor rondibilis had already despatched their resolutions thereupon; and that, just as his majesty was coming in, the faithful trouillogan in the delivery of his opinion hath thus far proceeded, that when panurge asked whether he ought to marry, yea or no? at first he made this answer, both together. when this same question was again propounded, his second answer was, neither the one nor the other. panurge exclaimeth that those answers are full of repugnancies and contradictions, protesting that he understands them not, nor what it is that can be meant by them. if i be not mistaken, quoth gargantua, i understand it very well. the answer is not unlike to that which was once made by a philosopher in ancient times, who being interrogated if he had a woman whom they named him to his wife? i have her, quoth he, but she hath not me,--possessing her, by her i am not possessed. such another answer, quoth pantagruel, was once made by a certain bouncing wench of sparta, who being asked if at any time she had had to do with a man? no, quoth she, but sometimes men have had to do with me. well then, quoth rondibilis, let it be a neuter in physic, as when we say a body is neuter, when it is neither sick nor healthful, and a mean in philosophy; that, by an abnegation of both extremes, and this by the participation of the one and of the other. even as when lukewarm water is said to be both hot and cold; or rather, as when time makes the partition, and equally divides betwixt the two, a while in the one, another while as long in the other opposite extremity. the holy apostle, quoth hippothadee, seemeth, as i conceive, to have more clearly explained this point when he said, those that are married, let them be as if they were not married; and those that have wives, let them be as if they had no wives at all. i thus interpret, quoth pantagruel, the having and not having of a wife. to have a wife is to have the use of her in such a way as nature hath ordained, which is for the aid, society, and solace of man, and propagating of his race. to have no wife is not to be uxorious, play the coward, and be lazy about her, and not for her sake to distain the lustre of that affection which man owes to god, or yet for her to leave those offices and duties which he owes unto his country, unto his friends and kindred, or for her to abandon and forsake his precious studies, and other businesses of account, to wait still on her will, her beck, and her buttocks. if we be pleased in this sense to take having and not having of a wife, we shall indeed find no repugnancy nor contradiction in the terms at all. chapter 3.xxxvi. a continuation of the answer of the ephectic and pyrrhonian philosopher trouillogan. you speak wisely, quoth panurge, if the moon were green cheese. such a tale once pissed my goose. i do not think but that i am let down into that dark pit in the lowermost bottom whereof the truth was hid, according to the saying of heraclitus. i see no whit at all, i hear nothing, understand as little, my senses are altogether dulled and blunted; truly i do very shrewdly suspect that i am enchanted. i will now alter the former style of my discourse, and talk to him in another strain. our trusty friend, stir not, nor imburse any; but let us vary the chance, and speak without disjunctives. i see already that these loose and ill-joined members of an enunciation do vex, trouble, and perplex you. now go on, in the name of god! should i marry? trouillogan. there is some likelihood therein. panurge. but if i do not marry? trouil. i see in that no inconvenience. pan. you do not? trouil. none, truly, if my eyes deceive me not. pan. yea, but i find more than five hundred. trouil. reckon them. pan. this is an impropriety of speech, i confess; for i do no more thereby but take a certain for an uncertain number, and posit the determinate term for what is indeterminate. when i say, therefore, five hundred, my meaning is many. trouil. i hear you. pan. is it possible for me to live without a wife, in the name of all the subterranean devils? trouil. away with these filthy beasts. pan. let it be, then, in the name of god; for my salmigondinish people use to say, to lie alone, without a wife, is certainly a brutish life. and such a life also was it assevered to be by dido in her lamentations. trouil. at your command. pan. by the pody cody, i have fished fair; where are we now? but will you tell me? shall i marry? trouil. perhaps. pan. shall i thrive or speed well withal? trouil. according to the encounter. pan. but if in my adventure i encounter aright, as i hope i will, shall i be fortunate? trouil. enough. pan. let us turn the clean contrary way, and brush our former words against the wool: what if i encounter ill? trouil. then blame not me. pan. but, of courtesy, be pleased to give me some advice. i heartily beseech you, what must i do? trouil. even what thou wilt. pan. wishy, washy; trolly, trolly. trouil. do not invocate the name of anything, i pray you. pan. in the name of god, let it be so! my actions shall be regulated by the rule and square of your counsel. what is it that you advise and counsel me to do? trouil. nothing. pan. shall i marry? trouil. i have no hand in it. pan. then shall i not marry? trouil. i cannot help it. pan. if i never marry, i shall never be a cuckold. trouil. i thought so. pan. but put the case that i be married. trouil. where shall we put it? pan. admit it be so, then, and take my meaning in that sense. trouil. i am otherwise employed. pan. by the death of a hog, and mother of a toad, o lord! if i durst hazard upon a little fling at the swearing game, though privily and under thumb, it would lighten the burden of my heart and ease my lights and reins exceedingly. a little patience nevertheless is requisite. well then, if i marry, i shall be a cuckold. trouil. one would say so. pan. yet if my wife prove a virtuous, wise, discreet, and chaste woman, i shall never be cuckolded. trouil. i think you speak congruously. pan. hearken. trouil. as much as you will. pan. will she be discreet and chaste? this is the only point i would be resolved in. trouil. i question it. pan. you never saw her? trouil. not that i know of. pan. why do you then doubt of that which you know not? trouil. for a cause. pan. and if you should know her. trouil. yet more. pan. page, my pretty little darling, take here my cap,--i give it thee. have a care you do not break the spectacles that are in it. go down to the lower court. swear there half an hour for me, and i shall in compensation of that favour swear hereafter for thee as much as thou wilt. but who shall cuckold me? trouil. somebody. pan. by the belly of the wooden horse at troy, master somebody, i shall bang, belam thee, and claw thee well for thy labour. trouil. you say so. pan. nay, nay, that nick in the dark cellar, who hath no white in his eye, carry me quite away with him if, in that case, whensoever i go abroad from the palace of my domestic residence, i do not, with as much circumspection as they use to ring mares in our country to keep them from being sallied by stoned horses, clap a bergamasco lock upon my wife. trouil. talk better. pan. it is bien chien, chie chante, well cacked and cackled, shitten, and sung in matter of talk. let us resolve on somewhat. trouil. i do not gainsay it. pan. have a little patience. seeing i cannot on this side draw any blood of you, i will try if with the lancet of my judgment i be able to bleed you in another vein. are you married, or are you not? trouil. neither the one nor the other, and both together. pan. o the good god help us! by the death of a buffle-ox, i sweat with the toil and travail that i am put to, and find my digestion broke off, disturbed, and interrupted, for all my phrenes, metaphrenes, and diaphragms, back, belly, midriff, muscles, veins, and sinews are held in a suspense and for a while discharged from their proper offices to stretch forth their several powers and abilities for incornifistibulating and laying up into the hamper of my understanding your various sayings and answers. trouil. i shall be no hinderer thereof. pan. tush, for shame! our faithful friend, speak; are you married? trouil. i think so. pan. you were also married before you had this wife? trouil. it is possible. pan. had you good luck in your first marriage? trouil. it is not impossible. pan. how thrive you with this second wife of yours? trouil. even as it pleaseth my fatal destiny. pan. but what, in good earnest? tell me--do you prosper well with her? trouil. it is likely. pan. come on, in the name of god. i vow, by the burden of saint christopher, that i had rather undertake the fetching of a fart forth of the belly of a dead ass than to draw out of you a positive and determinate resolution. yet shall i be sure at this time to have a snatch at you, and get my claws over you. our trusty friend, let us shame the devil of hell, and confess the verity. were you ever a cuckold? i say, you who are here, and not that other you who playeth below in the tennis-court? trouil. no, if it was not predestinated. pan. by the flesh, blood, and body, i swear, reswear, forswear, abjure, and renounce, he evades and avoids, shifts, and escapes me, and quite slips and winds himself out of my grips and clutches. at these words gargantua arose and said, praised be the good god in all things, but especially for bringing the world into that height of refinedness beyond what it was when i first came to be acquainted therewith, that now the learnedst and most prudent philosophers are not ashamed to be seen entering in at the porches and frontispieces of the schools of the pyrrhonian, aporrhetic, sceptic, and ephectic sects. blessed be the holy name of god! veritably, it is like henceforth to be found an enterprise of much more easy undertaking to catch lions by the neck, horses by the main, oxen by the horns, bulls by the muzzle, wolves by the tail, goats by the beard, and flying birds by the feet, than to entrap such philosophers in their words. farewell, my worthy, dear, and honest friends. when he had done thus speaking, he withdrew himself from the company. pantagruel and others with him would have followed and accompanied him, but he would not permit them so to do. no sooner was gargantua departed out of the banqueting-hall than that pantagruel said to the invited guests: plato's timaeus, at the beginning always of a solemn festival convention, was wont to count those that were called thereto. we, on the contrary, shall at the closure and end of this treatment reckon up our number. one, two, three; where is the fourth? i miss my friend bridlegoose. was not he sent for? epistemon answered that he had been at his house to bid and invite him, but could not meet with him; for that a messenger from the parliament of mirlingois, in mirlingues, was come to him with a writ of summons to cite and warn him personally to appear before the reverend senators of the high court there, to vindicate and justify himself at the bar of the crime of prevarication laid to his charge, and to be peremptorily instanced against him in a certain decree, judgment, or sentence lately awarded, given, and pronounced by him; and that, therefore, he had taken horse and departed in great haste from his own house, to the end that without peril or danger of falling into a default or contumacy he might be the better able to keep the prefixed and appointed time. i will, quoth pantagruel, understand how that matter goeth. it is now above forty years that he hath been constantly the judge of fonsbeton, during which space of time he hath given four thousand definitive sentences, of two thousand three hundred and nine whereof, although appeal was made by the parties whom he had judicially condemned from his inferior judicatory to the supreme court of the parliament of mirlingois, in mirlingues, they were all of them nevertheless confirmed, ratified, and approved of by an order, decree, and final sentence of the said sovereign court, to the casting of the appellants, and utter overthrow of the suits wherein they had been foiled at law, for ever and a day. that now in his old age he should be personally summoned, who in all the foregoing time of his life hath demeaned himself so unblamably in the discharge of the office and vocation he had been called unto, it cannot assuredly be that such a change hath happened without some notorious misfortune and disaster. i am resolved to help and assist him in equity and justice to the uttermost extent of my power and ability. i know the malice, despite, and wickedness of the world to be so much more nowadays exasperated, increased, and aggravated by what it was not long since, that the best cause that is, how just and equitable soever it be, standeth in great need to be succoured, aided, and supported. therefore presently, from this very instant forth, do i purpose, till i see the event and closure thereof, most heedfully to attend and wait upon it, for fear of some underhand tricky surprisal, cavilling pettifoggery, or fallacious quirks in law, to his detriment, hurt, or disadvantage. then dinner being done, and the tables drawn and removed, when pantagruel had very cordially and affectionately thanked his invited guests for the favour which he had enjoyed of their company, he presented them with several rich and costly gifts, such as jewels, rings set with precious stones, gold and silver vessels, with a great deal of other sort of plate besides, and lastly, taking of them all his leave, retired himself into an inner chamber. chapter 3.xxxvii. how pantagruel persuaded panurge to take counsel of a fool. when pantagruel had withdrawn himself, he, by a little sloping window in one of the galleries, perceived panurge in a lobby not far from thence, walking alone, with the gesture, carriage, and garb of a fond dotard, raving, wagging, and shaking his hands, dandling, lolling, and nodding with his head, like a cow bellowing for her calf; and, having then called him nearer, spoke unto him thus: you are at this present, as i think, not unlike to a mouse entangled in a snare, who the more that she goeth about to rid and unwind herself out of the gin wherein she is caught, by endeavouring to clear and deliver her feet from the pitch whereto they stick, the foulier she is bewrayed with it, and the more strongly pestered therein. even so is it with you. for the more that you labour, strive, and enforce yourself to disencumber and extricate your thoughts out of the implicating involutions and fetterings of the grievous and lamentable gins and springs of anguish and perplexity, the greater difficulty there is in the relieving of you, and you remain faster bound than ever. nor do i know for the removal of this inconveniency any remedy but one. take heed, i have often heard it said in a vulgar proverb, the wise may be instructed by a fool. seeing the answers and responses of sage and judicious men have in no manner of way satisfied you, take advice of some fool, and possibly by so doing you may come to get that counsel which will be agreeable to your own heart's desire and contentment. you know how by the advice and counsel and prediction of fools, many kings, princes, states, and commonwealths have been preserved, several battles gained, and divers doubts of a most perplexed intricacy resolved. i am not so diffident of your memory as to hold it needful to refresh it with a quotation of examples, nor do i so far undervalue your judgment but that i think it will acquiesce in the reason of this my subsequent discourse. as he who narrowly takes heed to what concerns the dexterous management of his private affairs, domestic businesses, and those adoes which are confined within the strait-laced compass of one family, who is attentive, vigilant, and active in the economic rule of his own house, whose frugal spirit never strays from home, who loseth no occasion whereby he may purchase to himself more riches, and build up new heaps of treasure on his former wealth, and who knows warily how to prevent the inconveniences of poverty, is called a worldly wise man, though perhaps in the second judgment of the intelligences which are above he be esteemed a fool,--so, on the contrary, is he most like, even in the thoughts of all celestial spirits, to be not only sage, but to presage events to come by divine inspiration, who laying quite aside those cares which are conducible to his body or his fortunes, and, as it were, departing from himself, rids all his senses of terrene affections, and clears his fancies of those plodding studies which harbour in the minds of thriving men. all which neglects of sublunary things are vulgarily imputed folly. after this manner, the son of picus, king of the latins, the great soothsayer faunus, was called fatuus by the witless rabble of the common people. the like we daily see practised amongst the comic players, whose dramatic roles, in distribution of the personages, appoint the acting of the fool to him who is the wisest of the troop. in approbation also of this fashion the mathematicians allow the very same horoscope to princes and to sots. whereof a right pregnant instance by them is given in the nativities of aeneas and choroebus; the latter of which two is by euphorion said to have been a fool, and yet had with the former the same aspects and heavenly genethliac influences. i shall not, i suppose, swerve much from the purpose in hand, if i relate unto you what john andrew said upon the return of a papal writ, which was directed to the mayor and burgesses of rochelle, and after him by panorme, upon the same pontifical canon; barbatias on the pandects, and recently by jason in his councils, concerning seyny john, the noted fool of paris, and caillet's fore great-grandfather. the case is this. at paris, in the roastmeat cookery of the petit chastelet, before the cookshop of one of the roastmeat sellers of that lane, a certain hungry porter was eating his bread, after he had by parcels kept it a while above the reek and steam of a fat goose on the spit, turning at a great fire, and found it, so besmoked with the vapour, to be savoury; which the cook observing, took no notice, till after having ravined his penny loaf, whereof no morsel had been unsmokified, he was about decamping and going away. but, by your leave, as the fellow thought to have departed thence shot-free, the master-cook laid hold upon him by the gorget, and demanded payment for the smoke of his roast meat. the porter answered, that he had sustained no loss at all; that by what he had done there was no diminution made of the flesh; that he had taken nothing of his, and that therefore he was not indebted to him in anything. as for the smoke in question, that, although he had not been there, it would howsoever have been evaporated; besides, that before that time it had never been seen nor heard that roastmeat smoke was sold upon the streets of paris. the cook hereto replied, that he was not obliged nor any way bound to feed and nourish for nought a porter whom he had never seen before with the smoke of his roast meat, and thereupon swore that if he would not forthwith content and satisfy him with present payment for the repast which he had thereby got, that he would take his crooked staves from off his back; which, instead of having loads thereafter laid upon them, should serve for fuel to his kitchen fires. whilst he was going about so to do, and to have pulled them to him by one of the bottom rungs which he had caught in his hand, the sturdy porter got out of his grip, drew forth the knotty cudgel, and stood to his own defence. the altercation waxed hot in words, which moved the gaping hoidens of the sottish parisians to run from all parts thereabouts, to see what the issue would be of that babbling strife and contention. in the interim of this dispute, to very good purpose seyny john, the fool and citizen of paris, happened to be there, whom the cook perceiving, said to the porter, wilt thou refer and submit unto the noble seyny john the decision of the difference and controversy which is betwixt us? yes, by the blood of a goose, answered the porter, i am content. seyny john the fool, finding that the cook and porter had compromised the determination of their variance and debate to the discretion of his award and arbitrament, after that the reasons on either side whereupon was grounded the mutual fierceness of their brawling jar had been to the full displayed and laid open before him, commanded the porter to draw out of the fob of his belt a piece of money, if he had it. whereupon the porter immediately without delay, in reverence to the authority of such a judicious umpire, put the tenth part of a silver philip into his hand. this little philip seyny john took; then set it on his left shoulder, to try by feeling if it was of a sufficient weight. after that, laying it on the palm of his hand, he made it ring and tingle, to understand by the ear if it was of a good alloy in the metal whereof it was composed. thereafter he put it to the ball or apple of his left eye, to explore by the sight if it was well stamped and marked; all which being done, in a profound silence of the whole doltish people who were there spectators of this pageantry, to the great hope of the cook's and despair of the porter's prevalency in the suit that was in agitation, he finally caused the porter to make it sound several times upon the stall of the cook's shop. then with a presidential majesty holding his bauble sceptre-like in his hand, muffling his head with a hood of marten skins, each side whereof had the resemblance of an ape's face sprucified up with ears of pasted paper, and having about his neck a bucked ruff, raised, furrowed, and ridged with pointing sticks of the shape and fashion of small organ pipes, he first with all the force of his lungs coughed two or three times, and then with an audible voice pronounced this following sentence: the court declareth that the porter who ate his bread at the smoke of the roast, hath civilly paid the cook with the sound of his money. and the said court ordaineth that everyone return to his own home, and attend his proper business, without cost and charges, and for a cause. this verdict, award, and arbitrament of the parisian fool did appear so equitable, yea, so admirable to the aforesaid doctors, that they very much doubted if the matter had been brought before the sessions for justice of the said place, or that the judges of the rota at rome had been umpires therein, or yet that the areopagites themselves had been the deciders thereof, if by any one part, or all of them together, it had been so judicially sententiated and awarded. therefore advise, if you will be counselled by a fool. chapter 3.xxxviii. how triboulet is set forth and blazed by pantagruel and panurge. by my soul, quoth panurge, that overture pleaseth me exceedingly well. i will therefore lay hold thereon, and embrace it. at the very motioning thereof my very right entrail seemeth to be widened and enlarged, which was but just now hard-bound, contracted, and costive. but as we have hitherto made choice of the purest and most refined cream of wisdom and sapience for our counsel, so would i now have to preside and bear the prime sway in our consultation as very a fool in the supreme degree. triboulet, quoth pantagruel, is completely foolish, as i conceive. yes, truly, answered panurge, he is properly and totally a fool, a pantagruel. panurge. fatal f. jovial f. natural f. mercurial f. celestial f. lunatic f. erratic f. ducal f. eccentric f. common f. aethereal and junonian f. lordly f. arctic f. palatine f. heroic f. principal f. genial f. pretorian f. inconstant f. elected f. earthly f. courtly f. salacious and sporting f. primipilary f. jocund and wanton f. triumphant f. pimpled f. vulgar f. freckled f. domestic f. bell-tinging f. exemplary f. laughing and lecherous f. rare outlandish f. nimming and filching f. satrapal f. unpressed f. civil f. first broached f. popular f. augustal f. familiar f. caesarine f. notable f. imperial f. favourized f. royal f. latinized f. patriarchal f. ordinary f. original f. transcendent f. loyal f. rising f. episcopal f. papal f. doctoral f. consistorian f. monachal f. conclavist f. fiscal f. bullist f. extravagant f. synodal f. writhed f. doting and raving f. canonical f. singular and surpassing f. such another f. special and excelling f. graduated f. metaphysical f. commensal f. scatical f. primolicentiated f. predicamental and categoric f. train-bearing f. predicable and enunciatory f. supererogating f. decumane and superlative f. collateral f. dutiful and officious f. haunch and side f. optical and perspective f. nestling, ninny, and youngling f. algoristic f. flitting, giddy, and unsteady f. algebraical f. brancher, novice, and cockney f. cabalistical and massoretical f. haggard, cross, and froward f. talmudical f. gentle, mild, and tractable f. algamalized f. mail-coated f. compendious f. pilfering and purloining f. abbreviated f. tail-grown f. hyperbolical f. grey peckled f. anatomastical f. pleonasmical f. allegorical f. capital f. tropological f. hair-brained f. micher pincrust f. cordial f. heteroclit f. intimate f. summist f. hepatic f. abridging f. cupshotten and swilling f. morrish f. splenetic f. leaden-sealed f. windy f. mandatory f. legitimate f. compassionate f. azymathal f. titulary f. almicantarized f. crouching, showking, ducking f. proportioned f. grim, stern, harsh, and wayward f. chinnified f. well-hung and timbered f. swollen and puffed up f. ill-clawed, pounced, and pawed f. overcockrifedlid and lified f. well-stoned f. corallory f. crabbed and unpleasing f. eastern f. winded and untainted f. sublime f. kitchen haunting f. crimson f. lofty and stately f. ingrained f. spitrack f. city f. architrave f. basely accoutred f. pedestal f. mast-headed f. tetragonal f. modal f. renowned f. second notial f. rheumatic f. cheerful and buxom f. flaunting and braggadocio f. solemn f. egregious f. annual f. humourous and capricious f. festival f. rude, gross, and absurd f. recreative f. large-measured f. boorish and counterfeit f. babble f. pleasant f. down-right f. privileged f. broad-listed f. rustical f. duncical-bearing f. proper and peculiar f. stale and over-worn f. ever ready f. saucy and swaggering f. diapasonal f. full-bulked f. resolute f. gallant and vainglorious f. hieroglyphical f. gorgeous and gaudy f. authentic f. continual and intermitting f. worthy f. rebasing and roundling f. precious f. prototypal and precedenting f. fanatic f. prating f. fantastical f. catechetic f. symphatic f. cacodoxical f. panic f. meridional f. limbecked and distilled f. nocturnal f. comportable f. occidental f. wretched and heartless f. trifling f. fooded f. astrological and figure-flinging f. thick and threefold f. genethliac and horoscopal f. damasked f. knavish f. fearney f. idiot f. unleavened f. blockish f. baritonant f. beetle-headed f. pink and spot-powdered f. grotesque f. musket-proof f. impertinent f. pedantic f. quarrelsome f. strouting f. unmannerly f. wood f. captious and sophistical f. greedy f. soritic f. senseless f. catholoproton f. godderlich f. hoti and dioti f. obstinate f. alphos and catati f. contradictory f. pedagogical f. daft f. drunken f. peevish f. prodigal f. rash f. plodding f. pantagruel. if there was any reason why at rome the quirinal holiday of old was called the feast of fools, i know not why we may not for the like cause institute in france the tribouletic festivals, to be celebrated and solemnized over all the land. panurge. if all fools carried cruppers. pantagruel. if he were the god fatuus of whom we have already made mention, the husband of the goddess fatua, his father would be good day, and his grandmother good even. panurge. if all fools paced, albeit he be somewhat wry-legged, he would overlay at least a fathom at every rake. let us go toward him without any further lingering or delay; we shall have, no doubt, some fine resolution of him. i am ready to go, and long for the issue of our progress impatiently. i must needs, quoth pantagruel, according to my former resolution therein, be present at bridlegoose's trial. nevertheless, whilst i shall be upon my journey towards mirelingues, which is on the other side of the river of loire, i will despatch carpalin to bring along with him from blois the fool triboulet. then was carpalin instantly sent away, and pantagruel, at the same time attended by his domestics, panurge, epistemon, ponocrates, friar john, gymnast, ryzotomus, and others, marched forward on the high road to mirelingues. chapter 3.xxxix. how pantagruel was present at the trial of judge bridlegoose, who decided causes and controversies in law by the chance and fortune of the dice. on the day following, precisely at the hour appointed, pantagruel came to mirelingues. at his arrival the presidents, senators, and counsellors prayed him to do them the honour to enter in with them, to hear the decision of all the causes, arguments, and reasons which bridlegoose in his own defence would produce, why he had pronounced a certain sentence against the subsidy-assessor, toucheronde, which did not seem very equitable to that centumviral court. pantagruel very willingly condescended to their desire, and accordingly entering in, found bridlegoose sitting within the middle of the enclosure of the said court of justice; who immediately upon the coming of pantagruel, accompanied with the senatorian members of that worshipful judicatory, arose, went to the bar, had his indictment read, and for all his reasons, defences, and excuses, answered nothing else but that he was become old, and that his sight of late was very much failed, and become dimmer than it was wont to be; instancing therewithal many miseries and calamities which old age bringeth along with it, and are concomitant to wrinkled elders; which not. per archid. d. lxxxvi. c. tanta. by reason of which infirmity he was not able so distinctly and clearly to discern the points and blots of the dice as formerly he had been accustomed to do; whence it might very well have happened, said he, as old dim-sighted isaac took jacob for esau, that i after the same manner, at the decision of causes and controversies in law, should have been mistaken in taking a quatre for a cinque, or a trey for a deuce. this i beseech your worships, quoth he, to take into your serious consideration, and to have the more favourable opinion of my uprightness, notwithstanding the prevarication whereof i am accused in the matter of toucheronde's sentence, that at the time of that decree's pronouncing i only had made use of my small dice; and your worships, said he, know very well how by the most authentic rules of the law it is provided that the imperfections of nature should never be imputed unto any for crimes and transgressions; as appeareth, ff. de re milit. l. qui cum uno. ff. de reg. jur. l. fere. ff. de aedil. edict. per totum. ff. de term. mod. l. divus adrianus, resolved by lud. rom. in l. si vero. ff. sol. matr. and who would offer to do otherwise, should not thereby accuse the man, but nature, and the all-seeing providence of god, as is evident in l. maximum vitium, c. de lib. praeter. what kind of dice, quoth trinquamelle, grand-president of the said court, do you mean, my friend bridlegoose? the dice, quoth bridlegoose, of sentences at law, decrees, and peremptory judgments, alea judiciorum, whereof is written, per doct. 26. qu. 2. cap. sort. l. nec emptio ff. de contrahend. empt. l. quod debetur. ff. de pecul. et ibi bartol., and which your worships do, as well as i, use, in this glorious sovereign court of yours. so do all other righteous judges in their decision of processes and final determination of legal differences, observing that which hath been said thereof by d. henri. ferrandat, et not. gl. in c. fin. de sortil. et l. sed cum ambo. ff. de jud. ubi docto. mark, that chance and fortune are good, honest, profitable, and necessary for ending of and putting a final closure to dissensions and debates in suits at law. the same hath more clearly been declared by bald. bartol. et alex. c. communia de leg. l. si duo. but how is it that you do these things? asked trinquamelle. i very briefly, quoth bridlegoose, shall answer you, according to the doctrine and instructions of leg. ampliorem para. in refutatoriis. c. de appel.; which is conform to what is said in gloss l. 1. ff. quod met. causa. gaudent brevitate moderni. my practice is therein the same with that of your other worships, and as the custom of the judicatory requires, unto which our law commandeth us to have regard, and by the rule thereof still to direct and regulate our actions and procedures; ut not. extra. de consuet. in c. ex literis et ibi innoc. for having well and exactly seen, surveyed, overlooked, reviewed, recognized, read, and read over again, turned and tossed over, seriously perused and examined the bills of complaint, accusations, impeachments, indictments, warnings, citations, summonings, comparitions, appearances, mandates, commissions, delegations, instructions, informations, inquests, preparatories, productions, evidences, proofs, allegations, depositions, cross speeches, contradictions, supplications, requests, petitions, inquiries, instruments of the deposition of witnesses, rejoinders, replies, confirmations of former assertions, duplies, triplies, answers to rejoinders, writings, deeds, reproaches, disabling of exceptions taken, grievances, salvation bills, re-examination of witnesses, confronting of them together, declarations, denunciations, libels, certificates, royal missives, letters of appeal, letters of attorney, instruments of compulsion, delineatories, anticipatories, evocations, messages, dimissions, issues, exceptions, dilatory pleas, demurs, compositions, injunctions, reliefs, reports, returns, confessions, acknowledgments, exploits, executions, and other such-like confects and spiceries, both at the one and the other side, as a good judge ought to do, conform to what hath been noted thereupon. spec. de ordination. paragr. 3. et tit. de offi. omn. jud. paragr. fin. et de rescriptis praesentat. parag. 1.--i posit on the end of a table in my closet all the pokes and bags of the defendant, and then allow unto him the first hazard of the dice, according to the usual manner of your other worships. and it is mentioned, l. favorabiliores. ff. de reg. jur. et in cap. cum sunt eod. tit. lib. 6, which saith, quum sunt partium jura obscura, reo potius favendum est quam actori. that being done, i thereafter lay down upon the other end of the same table the bags and satchels of the plaintiff, as your other worships are accustomed to do, visum visu, just over against one another; for opposita juxta se posita clarius elucescunt: ut not. in lib. 1. parag. videamus. ff. de his qui sunt sui vel alieni juris, et in l. munerum. para. mixta ff. de mun. et hon. then do i likewise and semblably throw the dice for him, and forthwith livre him his chance. but, quoth trinquamelle, my friend, how come you to know, understand, and resolve the obscurity of these various and seeming contrary passages in law, which are laid claim to by the suitors and pleading parties? even just, quoth bridlegoose, after the fashion of your other worships; to wit, when there are many bags on the one side and on the other, i then use my little small dice, after the customary manner of your other worships, in obedience to the law, semper in stipulationibus ff. de reg. jur. and the law ver(s)ified versifieth that, eod. tit. semper in obscuris quod minimum est sequimur; canonized in c. in obscuris. eod. tit. lib. 6. i have other large great dice, fair and goodly ones, which i employ in the fashion that your other worships use to do, when the matter is more plain, clear, and liquid, that is to say, when there are fewer bags. but when you have done all these fine things, quoth trinquamelle, how do you, my friend, award your decrees, and pronounce judgment? even as your other worships, answered bridlegoose; for i give out sentence in his favour unto whom hath befallen the best chance by dice, judiciary, tribunian, pretorial, what comes first. so our laws command, ff. qui pot. in pign. l. creditor, c. de consul. 1. et de regul. jur. in 6. qui prior est tempore potior est jure. chapter 3.xl. how bridlegoose giveth reasons why he looked upon those law-actions which he decided by the chance of the dice. yea but, quoth trinquamelle, my friend, seeing it is by the lot, chance, and throw of the dice that you award your judgments and sentences, why do not you livre up these fair throws and chances the very same day and hour, without any further procrastination or delay, that the controverting party-pleaders appear before you? to what use can those writings serve you, those papers and other procedures contained in the bags and pokes of the law-suitors? to the very same use, quoth bridlegoose, that they serve your other worships. they are behooveful unto me, and serve my turn in three things very exquisite, requisite, and authentical. first, for formality sake, the omission whereof, that it maketh all, whatever is done, to be of no force nor value, is excellently well proved, by spec. 1. tit. de instr. edit. et tit. de rescript. praesent. besides that, it is not unknown to you, who have had many more experiments thereof than i, how oftentimes, in judicial proceedings, the formalities utterly destroy the materialities and substances of the causes and matters agitated; for forma mutata, mutatur substantia. ff. ad exhib. l. julianus. ff. ad leg. fal. l. si is qui quadraginta. et extra de decim. c. ad audientiam, et de celebrat. miss. c. in quadam. secondly, they are useful and steadable to me, even as unto your other worships, in lieu of some other honest and healthful exercise. the late master othoman vadet (vadere), a prime physician, as you would say, cod. de comit. et archi. lib. 12, hath frequently told me that the lack and default of bodily exercise is the chief, if not the sole and only cause of the little health and short lives of all officers of justice, such as your worships and i am. which observation was singularly well before him noted and remarked by bartholus in lib. 1. c. de sent. quae pro eo quod. therefore it is that the practice of such-like exercitations is appointed to be laid hold on by your other worships, and consequently not to be denied unto me, who am of the same profession; quia accessorium naturam sequitur principalis. de reg. jur. l. 6. et l. cum principalis. et l. nihil dolo. ff. eod. tit. ff. de fide-juss. l. fide-juss. et extra de officio deleg. cap. 1. let certain honest and recreative sports and plays of corporeal exercises be allowed and approved of; and so far, (ff. de allus. et aleat. l. solent. et authent.) ut omnes obed. in princ. coll. 7. et ff. de praescript. verb. l. si gratuitam et l. 1. cod. de spect. l. 11. such also is the opinion of d. thom, in secunda, secundae q. i. 168. quoted in very good purpose by d. albert de rosa, who fuit magnus practicus, and a solemn doctor, as barbatias attesteth in principiis consil. wherefore the reason is evidently and clearly deduced and set down before us in gloss. in prooemio. ff. par. ne autem tertii. interpone tuis interdum gaudia curis. in very deed, once, in the year a thousand four hundred fourscore and ninth, having a business concerning the portion and inheritance of a younger brother depending in the court and chamber of the four high treasurers of france, whereinto as soon as ever i got leave to enter by a pecuniary permission of the usher thereof,--as your other worships know very well, that pecuniae obediunt omnia, and there says baldus, in l. singularia. ff. si cert. pet. et salic. in l. receptitia. cod. de constit. pecuni. et card. in clem. 1. de baptism.--i found them all recreating and diverting themselves at the play called muss, either before or after dinner; to me, truly, it is a thing altogether indifferent whether of the two it was, provided that hic not., that the game of the muss is honest, healthful, ancient, and lawful, a muscho inventore, de quo cod. de petit. haered. l. si post mortem. et muscarii. such as play and sport it at the muss are excusable in and by law, lib. 1. c. de excus. artific. lib. 10. and at the very same time was master tielman picquet one of the players of that game of muss. there is nothing that i do better remember, for he laughed heartily when his fellow-members of the aforesaid judicial chamber spoiled their caps in swingeing of his shoulders. he, nevertheless, did even then say unto them, that the banging and flapping of him, to the waste and havoc of their caps, should not, at their return from the palace to their own houses, excuse them from their wives, per. c. extra. de praesumpt. et ibi gloss. now, resolutorie loquendo, i should say, according to the style and phrase of your other worships, that there is no exercise, sport, game, play, nor recreation in all this palatine, palatial, or parliamentary world, more aromatizing and fragrant than to empty and void bags and purses, turn over papers and writings, quote margins and backs of scrolls and rolls, fill panniers, and take inspection of causes, ex. bart. et joan. de pra. in l. falsa. de condit. et demonst. ff. thirdly, i consider, as your own worships use to do, that time ripeneth and bringeth all things to maturity, that by time everything cometh to be made manifest and patent, and that time is the father of truth and virtue. gloss. in l. 1. cod. de servit. authent. de restit. et ea quae pa. et spec. tit. de requisit. cons. therefore is it that, after the manner and fashion of your other worships, i defer, protract, delay, prolong, intermit, surcease, pause, linger, suspend, prorogate, drive out, wire-draw, and shift off the time of giving a definitive sentence, to the end that the suit or process, being well fanned and winnowed, tossed and canvassed to and fro, narrowly, precisely, and nearly garbled, sifted, searched, and examined, and on all hands exactly argued, disputed, and debated, may, by succession of time, come at last to its full ripeness and maturity. by means whereof, when the fatal hazard of the dice ensueth thereupon, the parties cast or condemned by the said aleatory chance will with much greater patience, and more mildly and gently, endure and bear up the disastrous load of their misfortune, than if they had been sentenced at their first arrival unto the court, as not. gl. ff. de excus. tut. l. tria. onera. portatur leviter quod portat quisque libenter. on the other part, to pass a decree or sentence when the action is raw, crude, green, unripe, unprepared, as at the beginning, a danger would ensue of a no less inconveniency than that which the physicians have been wont to say befalleth to him in whom an imposthume is pierced before it be ripe, or unto any other whose body is purged of a strong predominating humour before its digestion. for as it is written, in authent. haec constit. in innoc. de constit. princip., so is the same repeated in gloss. in c. caeterum. extra. de juram. calumn. quod medicamenta morbis exhibent, hoc jura negotiis. nature furthermore admonisheth and teacheth us to gather and reap, eat and feed on fruits when they are ripe, and not before. instit. de rer. div. paragr. is ad quem et ff. de action. empt. l. julianus. to marry likewise our daughters when they are ripe, and no sooner, ff. de donation. inter vir. et uxor. l. cum hic status. paragr. si quis sponsam. et 27 qu. 1. c. sicut dicit. gl. jam matura thoro plenis adoleverat annis virginitas. and, in a word, she instructeth us to do nothing of any considerable importance, but in a full maturity and ripeness, 23. q. para ult. et 23. de c. ultimo. chapter 3.xli. how bridlegoose relateth the history of the reconcilers of parties at variance in matters of law. i remember to the same purpose, quoth bridlegoose, in continuing his discourse, that in the time when at poictiers i was a student of law under brocadium juris, there was at semerve one peter dandin, a very honest man, careful labourer of the ground, fine singer in a church-desk, of good repute and credit, and older than the most aged of all your worships; who was wont to say that he had seen the great and goodly good man, the council of lateran, with his wide and broad-brimmed red hat. as also, that he had beheld and looked upon the fair and beautiful pragmatical sanction his wife, with her huge rosary or patenotrian chaplet of jet-beads hanging at a large sky-coloured ribbon. this honest man compounded, atoned, and agreed more differences, controversies, and variances at law than had been determined, voided, and finished during his time in the whole palace of poictiers, in the auditory of montmorillon, and in the town-house of the old partenay. this amicable disposition of his rendered him venerable and of great estimation, sway, power, and authority throughout all the neighbouring places of chauvigny, nouaille, leguge, vivonne, mezeaux, estables, and other bordering and circumjacent towns, villages, and hamlets. all their debates were pacified by him; he put an end to their brabbling suits at law and wrangling differences. by his advice and counsels were accords and reconcilements no less firmly made than if the verdict of a sovereign judge had been interposed therein, although, in very deed, he was no judge at all, but a right honest man, as you may well conceive,--arg. in l. sed si unius. ff. de jure-jur. et de verbis obligatoriis l.continuus. there was not a hog killed within three parishes of him whereof he had not some part of the haslet and puddings. he was almost every day invited either to a marriage banquet, christening feast, an uprising or women-churching treatment, a birthday's anniversary solemnity, a merry frolic gossiping, or otherwise to some delicious entertainment in a tavern, to make some accord and agreement between persons at odds and in debate with one another. remark what i say; for he never yet settled and compounded a difference betwixt any two at variance, but he straight made the parties agreed and pacified to drink together as a sure and infallible token and symbol of a perfect and completely well-cemented reconciliation, sign of a sound and sincere amity and proper mark of a new joy and gladness to follow thereupon,--ut not. per (doct.) ff. de peric. et com. rei vend. l. 1. he had a son, whose name was tenot dandin, a lusty, young, sturdy, frisking roister, so help me god! who likewise, in imitation of his peace-making father, would have undertaken and meddled with the making up of variances and deciding of controversies betwixt disagreeing and contentious party-pleaders; as you know, saepe solet similis esse patri. et sequitur leviter filia matris iter. ut ait gloss. 6, quaest. 1. c. si quis. gloss. de cons. dist. 5. c. 2. fin. et est. not. per doct. cod. de impub. et aliis substit. l. ult. et l. legitime. ff. de stat. hom. gloss. in l. quod si nolit. ff. de aedil. edict. l. quisquis c. ad leg. jul. majest. excipio filios a moniali susceptos ex monacho. per glos. in c. impudicas. 27. quaestione. 1. and such was his confidence to have no worse success than his father, he assumed unto himself the title of law-strife-settler. he was likewise in these pacificatory negotiations so active and vigilant--for, vigilantibus jura subveniunt. ex l. pupillus. ff. quae in fraud. cred. et ibid. l. non enim. et instit. in prooem.--that when he had smelt, heard, and fully understood--ut ff.si quando paup. fec. l. agaso. gloss. in verb. olfecit, id est, nasum ad culum posuit--and found that there was anywhere in the country a debatable matter at law, he would incontinently thrust in his advice, and so forwardly intrude his opinion in the business, that he made no bones of making offer, and taking upon him to decide it, how difficult soever it might happen to be, to the full contentment and satisfaction of both parties. it is written, qui non laborat non manducat; and the said gl. ff. de damn. infect. l. quamvis, and currere plus que le pas vetulam compellit egestas. gloss. ff. de lib. agnosc. l. si quis. pro qua facit. l. si plures. c. de cond. incert. but so hugely great was his misfortune in this his undertaking, that he never composed any difference, how little soever you may imagine it might have been, but that, instead of reconciling the parties at odds, he did incense, irritate, and exasperate them to a higher point of dissension and enmity than ever they were at before. your worships know, i doubt not, that, sermo datur cunctis, animi sapientia paucis. gl. ff. de alien. jud. mut. caus. fa. lib.2. this administered unto the tavern-keepers, wine-drawers, and vintners of semerve an occasion to say, that under him they had not in the space of a whole year so much reconciliation-wine, for so were they pleased to call the good wine of leguge, as under his father they had done in one half-hour's time. it happened a little while thereafter that he made a most heavy regret thereof to his father, attributing the causes of his bad success in pacificatory enterprises to the perversity, stubbornness, froward, cross, and backward inclinations of the people of his time; roundly, boldly, and irreverently upbraiding, that if but a score of years before the world had been so wayward, obstinate, pervicacious, implacable, and out of all square, frame, and order as it was then, his father had never attained to and acquired the honour and title of strife-appeaser so irrefragably, inviolably, and irrevocably as he had done. in doing whereof tenot did heinously transgress against the law which prohibiteth children to reproach the actions of their parents; per gl. et bart. l. 3. paragr. si quis. ff. de cond. ob caus. et authent. de nupt. par. sed quod sancitum. col. 4. to this the honest old father answered thus: my son dandin, when don oportet taketh place, this is the course which we must trace, gl. c. de appell. l. eos etiam. for the road that you went upon was not the way to the fuller's mill, nor in any part thereof was the form to be found wherein the hare did sit. thou hast not the skill and dexterity of settling and composing differences. why? because thou takest them at the beginning, in the very infancy and bud as it were, when they are green, raw, and indigestible. yet i know handsomely and featly how to compose and settle them all. why? because i take them at their decadence, in their weaning, and when they are pretty well digested. so saith gloss: dulcior est fructus post multa pericula ductus. l. non moriturus. c. de contrahend. et committ. stip. didst thou ever hear the vulgar proverb, happy is the physician whose coming is desired at the declension of a disease? for the sickness being come to a crisis is then upon the decreasing hand, and drawing towards an end, although the physician should not repair thither for the cure thereof; whereby, though nature wholly do the work, he bears away the palm and praise thereof. my pleaders, after the same manner, before i did interpose my judgment in the reconciling of them, were waxing faint in their contestations. their altercation heat was much abated, and, in declining from their former strife, they of themselves inclined to a firm accommodation of their differences; because there wanted fuel to that fire of burning rancour and despiteful wrangling whereof the lower sort of lawyers were the kindlers. that is to say, their purses were emptied of coin, they had not a win in their fob, nor penny in their bag, wherewith to solicit and present their actions. deficiente pecu, deficit omne, nia. there wanted then nothing but some brother to supply the place of a paranymph, brawl-broker, proxenete, or mediator, who, acting his part dexterously, should be the first broacher of the motion of an agreement, for saving both the one and the other party from that hurtful and pernicious shame whereof he could not have avoided the imputation when it should have been said that he was the first who yielded and spoke of a reconcilement, and that therefore, his cause not being good, and being sensible where his shoe did pinch him, he was willing to break the ice, and make the greater haste to prepare the way for a condescendment to an amicable and friendly treaty. then was it that i came in pudding time, dandin, my son, nor is the fat of bacon more relishing to boiled peas than was my verdict then agreeable to them. this was my luck, my profit, and good fortune. i tell thee, my jolly son dandin, that by this rule and method i could settle a firm peace, or at least clap up a cessation of arms and truce for many years to come, betwixt the great king and the venetian state, the emperor and the cantons of switzerland, the english and the scots, and betwixt the pope and the ferrarians. shall i go yet further? yea, as i would have god to help me, betwixt the turk and the sophy, the tartars and the muscoviters. remark well what i am to say unto thee. i would take them at that very instant nick of time when both those of the one and the other side should be weary and tired of making war, when they had voided and emptied their own cashes and coffers of all treasure and coin, drained and exhausted the purses and bags of their subjects, sold and mortgaged their domains and proper inheritances, and totally wasted, spent, and consumed the munition, furniture, provision, and victuals that were necessary for the continuance of a military expedition. there i am sure, by god, or by his mother, that, would they, would they not, in spite of all their teeths, they should be forced to have a little respite and breathing time to moderate the fury and cruel rage of their ambitious aims. this is the doctrine in gl. 37. d. c. si quando. odero, si potero; si non, invitus amabo. chapter 3.xlii. how suits at law are bred at first, and how they come afterwards to their perfect growth. for this cause, quoth bridlegoose, going on in his discourse, i temporize and apply myself to the times, as your other worships use to do, waiting patiently for the maturity of the process, full growth and perfection thereof in all its members, to wit, the writings and the bags. arg. in l. si major. c. commun. divid. et de cons. di. 1. c. solemnitates, et ibi gl. a suit in law at its production, birth, and first beginning, seemeth to me, as unto your other worships, shapeless, without form or fashion, incomplete, ugly and imperfect, even as a bear at his first coming into the world hath neither hands, skin, hair, nor head, but is merely an inform, rude, and ill-favoured piece and lump of flesh, and would remain still so, if his dam, out of the abundance of her affection to her hopeful cub, did not with much licking put his members into that figure and shape which nature had provided for those of an arctic and ursinal kind; ut not. doct. ff. ad l. aquil. l. 3. in fin. just so do i see, as your other worships do, processes and suits in law, at their first bringing forth, to be numberless, without shape, deformed, and disfigured, for that then they consist only of one or two writings, or copies of instruments, through which defect they appear unto me, as to your other worships, foul, loathsome, filthy, and misshapen beasts. but when there are heaps of these legiformal papers packed, piled, laid up together, impoked, insatchelled, and put up in bags, then is it that with a good reason we may term that suit, to which, as pieces, parcels, parts, portions, and members thereof, they do pertain and belong, well-formed and fashioned, big-limbed, strong-set, and in all and each of its dimensions most completely membered. because forma dat esse. rei. l. si is qui. ff. ad leg. falcid. in c. cum dilecta. de rescript. barbat. consil. 12. lib. 2, and before him, baldus, in c. ult. extra. de consuet. et l. julianus ad exhib. ff. et l. quaesitum. ff. de leg. 3. the manner is such as is set down in gl. p. quaest. 1. c. paulus. debile principium melior fortuna sequetur. like your other worships, also the sergeants, catchpoles, pursuivants, messengers, summoners, apparitors, ushers, door-keepers, pettifoggers, attorneys, proctors, commissioners, justices of the peace, judge delegates, arbitrators, overseers, sequestrators, advocates, inquisitors, jurors, searchers, examiners, notaries, tabellions, scribes, scriveners, clerks, pregnotaries, secondaries, and expedanean judges, de quibus tit. est. l. 3. c., by sucking very much, and that exceeding forcibly, and licking at the purses of the pleading parties, they, to the suits already begot and engendered, form, fashion, and frame head, feet, claws, talons, beaks, bills, teeth, hands, veins, sinews, arteries, muscles, humours, and so forth, through all the similary and dissimilary parts of the whole; which parts, particles, pendicles, and appurtenances are the law pokes and bags, gl. de cons. d. 4. c. accepisti. qualis vestis erit, talia corda gerit. hic notandum est, that in this respect the pleaders, litigants, and law-suitors are happier than the officers, ministers, and administrators of justice. for beatius est dare quam accipere. ff. commun. l. 3. extra. de celebr. miss. c. cum marthae. et 24. quaest. 1. cap. od. gl. affectum dantis pensat censura tonantis. thus becometh the action or process by their care and industry to be of a complete and goodly bulk, well shaped, framed, formed, and fashioned according to the canonical gloss. accipe, sume, cape, sunt verba placentia papae. which speech hath been more clearly explained by albert de ros, in verbo roma. roma manus rodit, quas rodere non valet, odit. dantes custodit, non dantes spernit, et odit. the reason whereof is thought to be this: ad praesens ova cras pullis sunt meliora. ut est gl. in l. quum hi. ff. de transact. nor is this all; for the inconvenience of the contrary is set down in gloss. c. de allu. l. fin. quum labor in damno est, crescit mortalis egestas. in confirmation whereof we find that the true etymology and exposition of the word process is purchase, viz. of good store of money to the lawyers, and of many pokes--id est, prou-sacks--to the pleaders, upon which subject we have most celestial quips, gibes, and girds. ligitando jura crescunt; litigando jus acquiritur. item gl. in cap. illud extrem. de praesumpt. et c. de prob. l. instrum. l. non epistolis. l. non nudis. et si non prosunt singula, multa juvant. yea but, asked trinquamelle, how do you proceed, my friend, in criminal causes, the culpable and guilty party being taken and seized upon flagrante crimine? even as your other worships use to do, answered bridlegoose. first, i permit the plaintiff to depart from the court, enjoining him not to presume to return thither till he preallably should have taken a good sound and profound sleep, which is to serve for the prime entry and introduction to the legal carrying on of the business. in the next place, a formal report is to be made to me of his having slept. thirdly, i issue forth a warrant to convene him before me. fourthly, he is to produce a sufficient and authentic attestation of his having thoroughly and entirely slept, conform to the gloss. 37. quest. 7. c. si quis cum. quandoque bonus dormitat homerus. being thus far advanced in the formality of the process, i find that this consopiating act engendereth another act, whence ariseth the articulating of a member. that again produceth a third act, fashionative of another member; which third bringing forth a fourth, procreative of another act. new members in a no fewer number are shapen and framed, one still breeding and begetting another--as, link after link, the coat of mail at length is made--till thus, piece after piece, by little and little, by information upon information, the process be completely well formed and perfect in all his members. finally, having proceeded this length, i have recourse to my dice, nor is it to be thought that this interruption, respite, or interpellation is by me occasioned without very good reason inducing me thereunto, and a notable experience of a most convincing and irrefragable force. i remember, on a time, that in the camp at stockholm there was a certain gascon named gratianauld, native of the town of saint sever, who having lost all his money at play, and consecutively being very angry thereat--as you know, pecunia est alter sanguis, ut ait anto. de burtio, in c. accedens. 2. extra ut lit. non contest. et bald. in l. si tuis. c. de opt. leg. per tot.in l. advocati. c. de advoc. div. jud. pecunia est vita hominis et optimus fide-jussor in necessitatibus--did, at his coming forth of the gaming-house, in the presence of the whole company that was there, with a very loud voice speak in his own language these following words: pao cap de bious hillots, que maux de pipes bous tresbire: ares que de pergudes sont les mires bingt, et quouatre bagnelles, ta pla donnerien pics, trucs, et patacts, sey degun de bous aulx, qui boille truquar ambe iou a bels embis. finding that none would make him any answer, he passed from thence to that part of the leaguer where the huff-snuff, honder sponder, swashbuckling high germans were, to whom he renewed these very terms, provoking them to fight with him; but all the return he had from them to his stout challenge was only, der gasconner thut sich ausz mit ein iedem zu schlagen, aber er ist geneigter zu stehlen, darum, liebe frawen, habt sorg zu euerm hauszrath. finding also that none of that band of teutonic soldiers offered himself to the combat, he passed to that quarter of the leaguer where the french freebooting adventurers were encamped, and reiterating unto them what he had before repeated to the dutch warriors, challenged them likewise to fight with him, and therewithal made some pretty little gasconado frisking gambols to oblige them the more cheerfully and gallantly to cope with him in the lists of a duellizing engagement; but no answer at all was made unto him. whereupon the gascon, despairing of meeting with any antagonists, departed from thence, and laying himself down not far from the pavilions of the grand christian cavalier crissie, fell fast asleep. when he had thoroughly slept an hour or two, another adventurous and all-hazarding blade of the forlorn hope of the lavishingly wasting gamesters, having also lost all his moneys, sallied forth with sword in his hand, of a firm resolution to fight with the aforesaid gascon, seeing he had lost as well as he. ploratur lachrymis amissa pecunia veris, saith the gl. de poenitent. distinct. 3. c. sunt plures. to this effect having made inquiry and search for him throughout the whole camp, and in sequel thereof found him asleep, he said unto him, up, ho, good fellow, in the name of all the devils of hell, rise up, rise up, get up! i have lost my money as well as thou hast done; let us therefore go fight lustily together, grapple and scuffle it to some purpose. thou mayest look and see that my tuck is no longer than thy rapier. the gascon, altogether astonished at his unexpected provocation, without altering his former dialect spoke thus: cap de saint arnault, quau seys to you, qui me rebeillez? que mau de taberne te gire. ho saint siobe, cap de gascoigne, ta pla dormy jou, quand aquoest taquain me bingut estee. the venturous roister inviteth him again to the duel, but the gascon, without condescending to his desire, said only this: he paovret jou tesquinerie ares, que son pla reposat. vayne un pauque te pausar com jou, peusse truqueren. thus, in forgetting his loss, he forgot the eagerness which he had to fight. in conclusion, after that the other had likewise slept a little, they, instead of fighting, and possibly killing one another, went jointly to a sutler's tent, where they drank together very amicably, each upon the pawn of his sword. thus by a little sleep was pacified the ardent fury of two warlike champions. there, gossip, comes the golden word of john andr. in cap. ult. de sent. et re. judic. l. sexto. sedendo, et dormiendo fit anima prudens. chapter 3.xliii. how pantagruel excuseth bridlegoose in the matter of sentencing actions at law by the chance of the dice. with this bridlegoose held his peace. whereupon trinquamelle bid him withdraw from the court--which accordingly was done--and then directed his discourse to pantagruel after this manner: it is fitting, most illustrious prince, not only by reason of the deep obligations wherein this present parliament, together with the whole marquisate of mirelingues, stand bound to your royal highness for the innumerable benefits which, as effects of mere grace, they have received from your incomparable bounty, but for that excellent wit also, prime judgment, and admirable learning wherewith almighty god, the giver of all good things, hath most richly qualified and endowed you, we tender and present unto you the decision of this new, strange, and paradoxical case of bridlegoose; who, in your presence, to your both hearing and seeing, hath plainly confessed his final judging and determinating of suits of law by the mere chance and fortune of the dice. therefore do we beseech you that you may be pleased to give sentence therein as unto you shall seem most just and equitable. to this pantagruel answered: gentlemen, it is not unknown to you how my condition is somewhat remote from the profession of deciding law controversies; yet, seeing you are pleased to do me the honour to put that task upon me, instead of undergoing the office of a judge i will become your humble supplicant. i observe, gentlemen, in this bridlegoose several things which induce me to represent before you that it is my opinion he should be pardoned. in the first place, his old age; secondly, his simplicity; to both which qualities our statute and common laws, civil and municipal together, allow many excuses for any slips or escapes which, through the invincible imperfection of either, have been inconsiderately stumbled upon by a person so qualified. thirdly, gentlemen, i must needs display before you another case, which in equity and justice maketh much for the advantage of bridlegoose, to wit, that this one, sole, and single fault of his ought to be quite forgotten, abolished, and swallowed up by that immense and vast ocean of just dooms and sentences which heretofore he hath given and pronounced; his demeanours, for these forty years and upwards that he hath been a judge, having been so evenly balanced in the scales of uprightness, that envy itself till now could not have been so impudent as to accuse and twit him with any act worthy of a check or reprehension; as, if a drop of the sea were thrown into the loire, none could perceive or say that by this single drop the whole river should be salt and brackish. truly, it seemeth unto me, that in the whole series of bridlegoose's juridical decrees there hath been i know not what of extraordinary savouring of the unspeakable benignity of god, that all those his preceding sentences, awards, and judgments, have been confirmed and approved of by yourselves in this your own venerable and sovereign court. for it is usual, as you know well, with him whose ways are inscrutable, to manifest his own ineffable glory in blunting the perspicacy of the eyes of the wise, in weakening the strength of potent oppressors, in depressing the pride of rich extortioners, and in erecting, comforting, protecting, supporting, upholding, and shoring up the poor, feeble, humble, silly, and foolish ones of the earth. but, waiving all these matters, i shall only beseech you, not by the obligations which you pretend to owe to my family, for which i thank you, but for that constant and unfeigned love and affection which you have always found in me, both on this and on the other side of loire, for the maintenance and establishment of your places, offices, and dignities, that for this one time you would pardon and forgive him upon these two conditions. first, that he satisfy, or put a sufficient surety for the satisfaction of the party wronged by the injustice of the sentence in question. for the fulfilment of this article i will provide sufficiently. and, secondly, that for his subsidiary aid in the weighty charge of administrating justice you would be pleased to appoint and assign unto him some pretty little virtuous counsellor, younger, learneder, and wiser than he, by the square and rule of whose advice he may regulate, guide, temper, and moderate in times coming all his judiciary procedures; or otherwise, if you intend totally to depose him from his office, and to deprive him altogether of the state and dignity of a judge, i shall cordially entreat you to make a present and free gift of him to me, who shall find in my kingdoms charges and employments enough wherewith to embusy him, for the bettering of his own fortunes and furtherance of my service. in the meantime, i implore the creator, saviour, and sanctifier of all good things, in his grace, mercy, and kindness, to preserve you all now and evermore, world without end. these words thus spoken, pantagruel, vailing his cap and making a leg with such a majestic garb as became a person of his paramount degree and eminency, farewelled trinquamelle, the president and master-speaker of that mirelinguesian parliament, took his leave of the whole court, and went out of the chamber; at the door whereof finding panurge, epistemon, friar john, and others, he forthwith, attended by them, walked to the outer gate, where all of them immediately took horse to return towards gargantua. pantagruel by the way related to them from point to point the manner of bridlegoose's sententiating differences at law. friar john said that he had seen peter dandin, and was acquainted with him at that time when he sojourned in the monastery of fontaine le comte, under the noble abbot ardillon. gymnast likewise affirmed that he was in the tent of the grand christian cavalier de crissie, when the gascon, after his sleep, made answer to the adventurer. panurge was somewhat incredulous in the matter of believing that it was morally possible bridlegoose should have been for such a long space of time so continually fortunate in that aleatory way of deciding law debates. epistemon said to pantagruel, such another story, not much unlike to that in all the circumstances thereof, is vulgarly reported of the provost of montlehery. in good sooth, such a perpetuity of good luck is to be wondered at. to have hit right twice or thrice in a judgment so given by haphazard might have fallen out well enough, especially in controversies that were ambiguous, intricate, abstruse, perplexed, and obscure. chapter 3.xliv. how pantagruel relateth a strange history of the perplexity of human judgment. seeing you talk, quoth pantagruel, of dark, difficult, hard, and knotty debates, i will tell you of one controverted before cneius dolabella, proconsul in asia. the case was this. a wife in smyrna had of her first husband a child named abece. he dying, she, after the expiring of a year and day, married again, and to her second husband bore a boy called effege. a pretty long time thereafter it happened, as you know the affection of stepfathers and stepdams is very rare towards the children of the first fathers and mothers deceased, that this husband, with the help of his son effege, secretly, wittingly, willingly, and treacherously murdered abece. the woman came no sooner to get information of the fact, but, that it might not go unpunished, she caused kill them both, to revenge the death of her first son. she was apprehended and carried before cneius dolabella, in whose presence she, without dissembling anything, confessed all that was laid to her charge; yet alleged that she had both right and reason on her side for the killing of them. thus was the state of the question. he found the business so dubious and intricate, that he knew not what to determine therein, nor which of the parties to incline to. on the one hand, it was an execrable crime to cut off at once both her second husband and her son. on the other hand, the cause of the murder seemed to be so natural, as to be grounded upon the law of nations and the rational instinct of all the people of the world, seeing they two together had feloniously and murderously destroyed her first son; not that they had been in any manner of way wronged, outraged, or injured by him, but out of an avaricious intent to possess his inheritance. in this doubtful quandary and uncertainty what to pitch upon, he sent to the areopagites then sitting at athens to learn and obtain their advice and judgment. that judicious senate, very sagely perpending the reasons of his perplexity, sent him word to summon her personally to compear before him a precise hundred years thereafter, to answer to some interrogatories touching certain points which were not contained in the verbal defence. which resolution of theirs did import that it was in their opinion a so difficult and inextricable matter that they knew not what to say or judge therein. who had decided that plea by the chance and fortune of the dice, could not have erred nor awarded amiss on which side soever he had passed his casting and condemnatory sentence. if against the woman, she deserved punishment for usurping sovereign authority by taking that vengeance at her own hand, the inflicting whereof was only competent to the supreme power to administer justice in criminal cases. if for her, the just resentment of a so atrocious injury done unto her, in murdering her innocent son, did fully excuse and vindicate her of any trespass or offence about that particular committed by her. but this continuation of bridlegoose for so many years still hitting the nail on the head, never missing the mark, and always judging aright, by the mere throwing of the dice and chance thereof, is that which most astonisheth and amazeth me. to answer, quoth pantagruel (epistemon, says the english edition of 1694, following the reading of the modern french editions. le duchat has pointed out the mistake.--m.), categorically to that which you wonder at, i must ingeniously confess and avow that i cannot; yet, conjecturally to guess at the reason of it, i would refer the cause of that marvellously long-continued happy success in the judiciary results of his definitive sentences to the favourable aspect of the heavens and benignity of the intelligences; who, out of their love to goodness, after having contemplated the pure simplicity and sincere unfeignedness of judge bridlegoose in the acknowledgment of his inabilities, did regulate that for him by chance which by the profoundest act of his maturest deliberation he was not able to reach unto. that, likewise, which possibly made him to diffide in his own skill and capacity, notwithstanding his being an expert and understanding lawyer, for anything that i know to the contrary, was the knowledge and experience which he had of the antinomies, contrarieties, antilogies, contradictions, traversings, and thwartings of laws, customs, edicts, statutes, orders, and ordinances, in which dangerous opposition, equity and justice being structured and founded on either of the opposite terms, and a gap being thereby opened for the ushering in of injustice and iniquity through the various interpretations of self-ended lawyers, being assuredly persuaded that the infernal calumniator, who frequently transformeth himself into the likeness of a messenger or angel of light, maketh use of these cross glosses and expositions in the mouths and pens of his ministers and servants, the perverse advocates, bribing judges, law-monging attorneys, prevaricating counsellors, and other such-like law-wresting members of a court of justice, to turn by those means black to white, green to grey, and what is straight to a crooked ply. for the more expedient doing whereof, these diabolical ministers make both the pleading parties believe that their cause is just and righteous; for it is well known that there is no cause, how bad soever, which doth not find an advocate to patrocinate and defend it,--else would there be no process in the world, no suits at law, nor pleadings at the bar. he did in these extremities, as i conceive, most humbly recommend the direction of his judicial proceedings to the upright judge of judges, god almighty; did submit himself to the conduct and guideship of the blessed spirit in the hazard and perplexity of the definitive sentence, and, by this aleatory lot, did as it were implore and explore the divine decree of his goodwill and pleasure, instead of that which we call the final judgment of a court. to this effect, to the better attaining to his purpose, which was to judge righteously, he did, in my opinion, throw and turn the dice, to the end that by the providence aforesaid the best chance might fall to him whose action was uprightest, and backed with greatest reason. in doing whereof he did not stray from the sense of talmudists, who say that there is so little harm in that manner of searching the truth, that in the anxiety and perplexedness of human wits god oftentimes manifesteth the secret pleasure of his divine will. furthermore, i will neither think nor say, nor can i believe, that the unstraightness is so irregular, or the corruption so evident, of those of the parliament of mirelingois in mirelingues, before whom bridlegoose was arraigned for prevarication, that they will maintain it to be a worse practice to have the decision of a suit at law referred to the chance and hazard of a throw of the dice, hab nab, or luck as it will, than to have it remitted to and passed by the determination of those whose hands are full of blood and hearts of wry affections. besides that, their principal direction in all law matters comes to their hands from one tribonian, a wicked, miscreant, barbarous, faithless and perfidious knave, so pernicious, unjust, avaricious, and perverse in his ways, that it was his ordinary custom to sell laws, edicts, declarations, constitutions, and ordinances, as at an outroop or putsale, to him who offered most for them. thus did he shape measures for the pleaders, and cut their morsels to them by and out of these little parcels, fragments, bits, scantlings, and shreds of the law now in use, altogether concealing, suppressing, disannulling, and abolishing the remainder, which did make for the total law; fearing that, if the whole law were made manifest and laid open to the knowledge of such as are interested in it, and the learned books of the ancient doctors of the law upon the exposition of the twelve tables and praetorian edicts, his villainous pranks, naughtiness, and vile impiety should come to the public notice of the world. therefore were it better, in my conceit, that is to say, less inconvenient, that parties at variance in any juridical case should in the dark march upon caltrops than submit the determination of what is their right to such unhallowed sentences and horrible decrees; as cato in his time wished and advised that every judiciary court should be paved with caltrops. chapter 3.xlv. how panurge taketh advice of triboulet. on the sixth day thereafter pantagruel was returned home at the very same hour that triboulet was by water come from blois. panurge, at his arrival, gave him a hog's bladder puffed up with wind, and resounding because of the hard peas that were within it. moreover he did present him with a gilt wooden sword, a hollow budget made of a tortoise shell, an osier-wattled wicker-bottle full of breton wine, and five-and-twenty apples of the orchard of blandureau. if he be such a fool, quoth carpalin, as to be won with apples, there is no more wit in his pate than in the head of an ordinary cabbage. triboulet girded the sword and scrip to his side, took the bladder in his hand, ate some few of the apples, and drunk up all the wine. panurge very wistly and heedfully looking upon him said, i never yet saw a fool, and i have seen ten thousand francs worth of that kind of cattle, who did not love to drink heartily, and by good long draughts. when triboulet had done with his drinking, panurge laid out before him and exposed the sum of the business wherein he was to require his advice, in eloquent and choicely-sorted terms, adorned with flourishes of rhetoric. but, before he had altogether done, triboulet with his fist gave him a bouncing whirret between the shoulders, rendered back into his hand again the empty bottle, fillipped and flirted him in the nose with the hog's bladder, and lastly, for a final resolution, shaking and wagging his head strongly and disorderly, he answered nothing else but this, by god, god, mad fool, beware the monk, buzansay hornpipe! these words thus finished, he slipped himself out of the company, went aside, and, rattling the bladder, took a huge delight in the melody of the rickling crackling noise of the peas. after which time it lay not in the power of them all to draw out of his chaps the articulate sound of one syllable, insomuch that, when panurge went about to interrogate him further, triboulet drew his wooden sword, and would have stuck him therewith. i have fished fair now, quoth panurge, and brought my pigs to a fine market. have i not got a brave determination of all my doubts, and a response in all things agreeable to the oracle that gave it? he is a great fool, that is not to be denied, yet is he a greater fool who brought him hither to me,--that bolt, quoth carpalin, levels point-blank at me,--but of the three i am the greatest fool, who did impart the secret of my thoughts to such an idiot ass and native ninny. without putting ourselves to any stir or trouble in the least, quoth pantagruel, let us maturely and seriously consider and perpend the gestures and speech which he hath made and uttered. in them, veritably, quoth he, have i remarked and observed some excellent and notable mysteries; yea, of such important worth and weight, that i shall never henceforth be astonished, nor think strange, why the turks with a great deal of worship and reverence honour and respect natural fools equally with their primest doctors, muftis, divines, and prophets. did not you take heed, quoth he, a little before he opened his mouth to speak, what a shogging, shaking, and wagging his head did keep? by the approved doctrine of the ancient philosophers, the customary ceremonies of the most expert magicians, and the received opinions of the learnedest lawyers, such a brangling agitation and moving should by us all be judged to proceed from, and be quickened and suscitated by the coming and inspiration of the prophetizing and fatidical spirit, which, entering briskly and on a sudden into a shallow receptacle of a debile substance (for, as you know, and as the proverb shows it, a little head containeth not much brains), was the cause of that commotion. this is conform to what is avouched by the most skilful physicians, when they affirm that shakings and tremblings fall upon the members of a human body, partly because of the heaviness and violent impetuosity of the burden and load that is carried, and, other part, by reason of the weakness and imbecility that is in the virtue of the bearing organ. a manifest example whereof appeareth in those who, fasting, are not able to carry to their head a great goblet full of wine without a trembling and a shaking in the hand that holds it. this of old was accounted a prefiguration and mystical pointing out of the pythian divineress, who used always, before the uttering of a response from the oracle, to shake a branch of her domestic laurel. lampridius also testifieth that the emperor heliogabalus, to acquire unto himself the reputation of a soothsayer, did, on several holy days of prime solemnnity, in the presence of the fanatic rabble, make the head of his idol by some slight within the body thereof publicly to shake. plautus, in his asinaria, declareth likewise, that saurias, whithersoever he walked, like one quite distracted of his wits kept such a furious lolling and mad-like shaking of his head, that he commonly affrighted those who casually met with him in his way. the said author in another place, showing a reason why charmides shook and brangled his head, assevered that he was transported and in an ecstasy. catullus after the same manner maketh mention, in his berecynthia and atys, of the place wherein the menades, bacchical women, she-priests of the lyaean god, and demented prophetesses, carrying ivy boughs in their hands, did shake their heads. as in the like case, amongst the galli, the gelded priests of cybele were wont to do in the celebrating of their festivals. whence, too, according to the sense of the ancient theologues, she herself has her denomination, for kubistan signifieth to turn round, whirl about, shake the head, and play the part of one that is wry-necked. semblably titus livius writeth that, in the solemnization time of the bacchanalian holidays at rome, both men and women seemed to prophetize and vaticinate, because of an affected kind of wagging of the head, shrugging of the shoulders, and jectigation of the whole body, which they used then most punctually. for the common voice of the philosophers, together with the opinion of the people, asserteth for an irrefragable truth that vaticination is seldom by the heavens bestowed on any without the concomitancy of a little frenzy and a head-shaking, not only when the said presaging virtue is infused, but when the person also therewith inspired declareth and manifesteth it unto others. the learned lawyer julian, being asked on a time if that slave might be truly esteemed to be healthful and in a good plight who had not only conversed with some furious, maniac, and enraged people, but in their company had also prophesied, yet without a noddle-shaking concussion, answered that, seeing there was no head-wagging at the time of his predictions, he might be held for sound and compotent enough. is it not daily seen how schoolmasters, teachers, tutors, and instructors of children shake the heads of their disciples, as one would do a pot in holding it by the lugs, that by this erection, vellication, stretching, and pulling their ears, which, according to the doctrine of the sage egyptians, is a member consecrated to the memory, they may stir them up to recollect their scattered thoughts, bring home those fancies of theirs which perhaps have been extravagantly roaming abroad upon strange and uncouth objects, and totally range their judgments, which possibly by disordinate affections have been made wild, to the rule and pattern of a wise, discreet, virtuous, and philosophical discipline. all which virgil acknowledgeth to be true, in the branglement of apollo cynthius. chapter 3.xlvi. how pantagruel and panurge diversely interpret the words of triboulet. he says you are a fool. and what kind of fool? a mad fool, who in your old age would enslave yourself to the bondage of matrimony, and shut your pleasures up within a wedlock whose key some ruffian carries in his codpiece. he says furthermore, beware of the monk. upon mine honour, it gives me in my mind that you will be cuckolded by a monk. nay, i will engage mine honour, which is the most precious pawn i could have in my possession although i were sole and peaceable dominator over all europe, asia, and africa, that, if you marry, you will surely be one of the horned brotherhood of vulcan. hereby may you perceive how much i do attribute to the wise foolery of our morosoph triboulet. the other oracles and responses did in the general prognosticate you a cuckold, without descending so near to the point of a particular determination as to pitch upon what vocation amongst the several sorts of men he should profess who is to be the copesmate of your wife and hornifier of your proper self. thus noble triboulet tells it us plainly, from whose words we may gather with all ease imaginable that your cuckoldry is to be infamous, and so much the more scandalous that your conjugal bed will be incestuously contaminated with the filthiness of a monkery lecher. moreover, he says that you will be the hornpipe of buzansay, that is to say, well-horned, hornified, and cornuted. and, as triboulet's uncle asked from louis the twelfth, for a younger brother of his own who lived at blois, the hornpipes of buzansay, for the organ pipes, through the mistake of one word for another, even so, whilst you think to marry a wise, humble, calm, discreet, and honest wife, you shall unhappily stumble upon one witless, proud, loud, obstreperous, bawling, clamorous, and more unpleasant than any buzansay hornpipe. consider withal how he flirted you on the nose with the bladder, and gave you a sound thumping blow with his fist upon the ridge of the back. this denotates and presageth that you shall be banged, beaten, and fillipped by her, and that also she will steal of your goods from you, as you stole the hog's bladder from the little boys of vaubreton. flat contrary, quoth panurge;--not that i would impudently exempt myself from being a vassal in the territory of folly. i hold of that jurisdiction, and am subject thereto, i confess it. and why should i not? for the whole world is foolish. in the old lorraine language, fou for tou, all and fool, were the same thing. besides, it is avouched by solomon that infinite is the number of fools. from an infinity nothing can be deducted or abated, nor yet, by the testimony of aristotle, can anything thereto be added or subjoined. therefore were i a mad fool if, being a fool, i should not hold myself a fool. after the same manner of speaking, we may aver the number of the mad and enraged folks to be infinite. avicenna maketh no bones to assert that the several kinds of madness are infinite. though this much of triboulet's words tend little to my advantage, howbeit the prejudice which i sustain thereby be common with me to all other men, yet the rest of his talk and gesture maketh altogether for me. he said to my wife, be wary of the monkey; that is as much as if she should be cheery, and take as much delight in a monkey as ever did the lesbia of catullus in her sparrow; who will for his recreation pass his time no less joyfully at the exercise of snatching flies than heretofore did the merciless fly-catcher domitian. withal he meant, by another part of his discourse, that she should be of a jovial country-like humour, as gay and pleasing as a harmonious hornpipe of saulieau or buzansay. the veridical triboulet did therein hint at what i liked well, as perfectly knowing the inclinations and propensions of my mind, my natural disposition, and the bias of my interior passions and affections. for you may be assured that my humour is much better satisfied and contented with the pretty, frolic, rural, dishevelled shepherdesses, whose bums through their coarse canvas smocks smell of the clover grass of the field, than with those great ladies in magnific courts, with their flandan top-knots and sultanas, their polvil, pastillos, and cosmetics. the homely sound, likewise, of a rustical hornpipe is more agreeable to my ears than the curious warbling and musical quavering of lutes, theorbos, viols, rebecs, and violins. he gave me a lusty rapping thwack on my back,--what then? let it pass, in the name and for the love of god, as an abatement of and deduction from so much of my future pains in purgatory. he did it not out of any evil intent. he thought, belike, to have hit some of the pages. he is an honest fool, and an innocent changeling. it is a sin to harbour in the heart any bad conceit of him. as for myself, i heartily pardon him. he flirted me on the nose. in that there is no harm; for it importeth nothing else but that betwixt my wife and me there will occur some toyish wanton tricks which usually happen to all new-married folks. chapter 3.xlvii. how pantagruel and panurge resolved to make a visit to the oracle of the holy bottle. there is as yet another point, quoth panurge, which you have not at all considered on, although it be the chief and principal head of the matter. he put the bottle in my hand and restored it me again. how interpret you that passage? what is the meaning of that? he possibly, quoth pantagruel, signifieth thereby that your wife will be such a drunkard as shall daily take in her liquor kindly, and ply the pots and bottles apace. quite otherwise, quoth panurge; for the bottle was empty. i swear to you, by the prickling brambly thorn of st. fiacre in brie, that our unique morosoph, whom i formerly termed the lunatic triboulet, referreth me, for attaining to the final resolution of my scruple, to the response-giving bottle. therefore do i renew afresh the first vow which i made, and here in your presence protest and make oath, by styx and acheron, to carry still spectacles in my cap, and never to wear a codpiece in my breeches, until upon the enterprise in hand of my nuptial undertaking i shall have obtained an answer from the holy bottle. i am acquainted with a prudent, understanding, and discreet gentleman, and besides a very good friend of mine, who knoweth the land, country, and place where its temple and oracle is built and posited. he will guide and conduct us thither sure and safely. let us go thither, i beseech you. deny me not, and say not nay; reject not the suit i make unto you, i entreat you. i will be to you an achates, a damis, and heartily accompany you all along in the whole voyage, both in your going forth and coming back. i have of a long time known you to be a great lover of peregrination, desirous still to learn new things, and still to see what you had never seen before. very willingly, quoth pantagruel, i condescend to your request. but before we enter in upon our progress towards the accomplishment of so far a journey, replenished and fraught with eminent perils, full of innumerable hazards, and every way stored with evident and manifest dangers,--what dangers? quoth panurge, interrupting him. dangers fly back, run from, and shun me whithersoever i go, seven leagues around, as in the presence of the sovereign a subordinate magistracy is eclipsed; or as clouds and darkness quite evanish at the bright coming of a radiant sun; or as all sores and sicknesses did suddenly depart at the approach of the body of st. martin a quande. nevertheless, quoth pantagruel, before we adventure to set forwards on the road of our projected and intended voyage, some few points are to be discussed, expedited, and despatched. first, let us send back triboulet to blois. which was instantly done, after that pantagruel had given him a frieze coat. secondly, our design must be backed with the advice and counsel of the king my father. and, lastly, it is most needful and expedient for us that we search for and find out some sibyl to serve us for a guide, truchman, and interpreter. to this panurge made answer, that his friend xenomanes would abundantly suffice for the plenary discharge and performance of the sibyl's office; and that, furthermore, in passing through the lanternatory revelling country, they should take along with them a learned and profitable lanternesse, which would be no less useful to them in their voyage than was the sibyl to aeneas in his descent to the elysian fields. carpalin, in the interim, as he was upon the conducting away of triboulet, in his passing by hearkened a little to the discourse they were upon; then spoke out, saying, ho, panurge, master freeman, take my lord debitis at calais alongst with you, for he is goud-fallot, a good fellow. he will not forget those who have been debitors; these are lanternes. thus shall you not lack for both fallot and lanterne. i may safely with the little skill i have, quoth pantagruel, prognosticate that by the way we shall engender no melancholy. i clearly perceive it already. the only thing that vexeth me is, that i cannot speak the lanternatory language. i shall, answered panurge, speak for you all. i understand it every whit as well as i do mine own maternal tongue; i have been no less used to it than to the vulgar french. briszmarg dalgotbrick nubstzne zos. isquebsz prusq: albok crinqs zacbac. mizbe dilbarskz morp nipp stancz bos, strombtz, panurge, walmap quost gruszbac. now guess, friend epistemon, what this is. they are, quoth epistemon, names of errant devils, passant devils, and rampant devils. these words of thine, dear friend of mine, are true, quoth panurge; yet are they terms used in the language of the court of the lanternish people. by the way, as we go upon our journey, i will make to thee a pretty little dictionary, which, notwithstanding, shall not last you much longer than a pair of new shoes. thou shalt have learned it sooner than thou canst perceive the dawning of the next subsequent morning. what i have said in the foregoing tetrastich is thus translated out of the lanternish tongue into our vulgar dialect: all miseries attended me, whilst i a lover was, and had no good thereby. of better luck the married people tell; panurge is one of those, and knows it well. there is little more, then, quoth pantagruel, to be done, but that we understand what the will of the king my father will be therein, and purchase his consent. chapter 3.xlviii. how gargantua showeth that the children ought not to marry without the special knowledge and advice of their fathers and mothers. no sooner had pantagruel entered in at the door of the great hall of the castle, than that he encountered full butt with the good honest gargantua coming forth from the council board, unto whom he made a succinct and summary narrative of what had passed and occurred, worthy of his observation, in his travels abroad, since their last interview; then, acquainting him with the design he had in hand, besought him that it might stand with his goodwill and pleasure to grant him leave to prosecute and go through-stitch with the enterprise which he had undertaken. the good man gargantua, having in one hand two great bundles of petitions endorsed and answered, and in the other some remembrancing notes and bills, to put him in mind of such other requests of supplicants, which, albeit presented, had nevertheless been neither read nor heard, he gave both to ulric gallet, his ancient and faithful master of requests; then drew aside pantagruel, and, with a countenance more serene and jovial than customary, spoke to him thus: i praise god, and have great reason so to do, my most dear son, that he hath been pleased to entertain in you a constant inclination to virtuous actions. i am well content that the voyage which you have motioned to me be by you accomplished, but withal i could wish you would have a mind and desire to marry, for that i see you are of competent years. panurge in the meanwhile was in a readiness of preparing and providing for remedies, salves, and cures against all such lets, obstacles, and impediments as he could in the height of his fancy conceive might by gargantua be cast in the way of their itinerary design. is it your pleasure, most dear father, that you speak? answered pantagruel. for my part, i have not yet thought upon it. in all this affair i wholly submit and rest in your good liking and paternal authority. for i shall rather pray unto god that he would throw me down stark dead at your feet, in your pleasure, than that against your pleasure i should be found married alive. i never yet heard that by any law, whether sacred or profane, yea, amongst the rudest and most barbarous nations in the world, it was allowed and approved of that children may be suffered and tolerated to marry at their own goodwill and pleasure, without the knowledge, advice, or consent asked and had thereto of their fathers, mothers, and nearest kindred. all legislators, everywhere upon the face of the whole earth, have taken away and removed this licentious liberty from children, and totally reserved it to the discretion of the parents. my dearly beloved son, quoth gargantua, i believe you, and from my heart thank god for having endowed you with the grace of having both a perfect notice of and entire liking to laudable and praiseworthy things; and that through the windows of your exterior senses he hath vouchsafed to transmit unto the interior faculties of your mind nothing but what is good and virtuous. for in my time there hath been found on the continent a certain country, wherein are i know not what kind of pastophorian mole-catching priests, who, albeit averse from engaging their proper persons into a matrimonial duty, like the pontifical flamens of cybele in phrygia, as if they were capons, and not cocks full of lasciviousness, salacity, and wantonness, who yet have, nevertheless, in the matter of conjugal affairs, taken upon them to prescribe laws and ordinances to married folks. i cannot goodly determine what i should most abhor, detest, loathe, and abominate,--whether the tyrannical presumption of those dreaded sacerdotal mole-catchers, who, not being willing to contain and coop up themselves within the grates and trellises of their own mysterious temples, do deal in, meddle with, obtrude upon, and thrust their sickles into harvests of secular businesses quite contrary and diametrically opposite to the quality, state, and condition of their callings, professions, and vocations; or the superstitious stupidity and senseless scrupulousness of married folks, who have yielded obedience, and submitted their bodies, fortunes, and estates to the discretion and authority of such odious, perverse, barbarous, and unreasonable laws. nor do they see that which is clearer than the light and splendour of the morning star,--how all these nuptial and connubial sanctions, statutes, and ordinances have been decreed, made, and instituted for the sole benefit, profit, and advantage of the flaminal mysts and mysterious flamens, and nothing at all for the good, utility, or emolument of the silly hoodwinked married people. which administereth unto others a sufficient cause for rendering these churchmen suspicious of iniquity, and of an unjust and fraudulent manner of dealing, no more to be connived at nor countenanced, after that it be well weighed in the scales of reason, than if with a reciprocal temerity the laics, by way of compensation, would impose laws to be followed and observed by those mysts and flamens, how they should behave themselves in the making and performance of their rites and ceremonies, and after what manner they ought to proceed in the offering up and immolating of their various oblations, victims, and sacrifices; seeing that, besides the decimation and tithe-haling of their goods, they cut off and take parings, shreddings, and clippings of the gain proceeding from the labour of their hands and sweat of their brows, therewith to entertain themselves the better. upon which consideration, in my opinion, their injunctions and commands would not prove so pernicious and impertinent as those of the ecclesiastic power unto which they had tendered their blind obedience. for, as you have very well said, there is no place in the world where, legally, a licence is granted to the children to marry without the advice and consent of their parents and kindred. nevertheless, by those wicked laws and mole-catching customs, whereat there is a little hinted in what i have already spoken to you, there is no scurvy, measly, leprous, or pocky ruffian, pander, knave, rogue, skellum, robber, or thief, pilloried, whipped, and burn-marked in his own country for his crimes and felonies, who may not violently snatch away and ravish what maid soever he had a mind to pitch upon, how noble, how fair, how rich, honest, and chaste soever she be, and that out of the house of her own father, in his own presence, from the bosom of her mother, and in the sight and despite of her friends and kindred looking on a so woeful spectacle, provided that the rascal villain be so cunning as to associate unto himself some mystical flamen, who, according to the covenant made betwixt them two, shall be in hope some day to participate of the prey. could the goths, the scyths, or massagets do a worse or more cruel act to any of the inhabitants of a hostile city, when, after the loss of many of their most considerable commanders, the expense of a great deal of money, and a long siege, they shall have stormed and taken it by a violent and impetuous assault? may not these fathers and mothers, think you, be sorrowful and heavy-hearted when they see an unknown fellow, a vagabond stranger, a barbarous lout, a rude cur, rotten, fleshless, putrified, scraggy, boily, botchy, poor, a forlorn caitiff and miserable sneak, by an open rapt snatch away before their own eyes their so fair, delicate, neat, well-behavioured, richly-provided-for and healthful daughters, on whose breeding and education they had spared no cost nor charges, by bringing them up in an honest discipline to all the honourable and virtuous employments becoming one of their sex descended of a noble parentage, hoping by those commendable and industrious means in an opportune and convenient time to bestow them on the worthy sons of their well-deserving neighbours and ancient friends, who had nourished, entertained, taught, instructed, and schooled their children with the same care and solicitude, to make them matches fit to attain to the felicity of a so happy marriage, that from them might issue an offspring and progeny no less heirs to the laudable endowments and exquisite qualifications of their parents, whom they every way resemble, than to their personal and real estates, movables, and inheritances? how doleful, trist, and plangorous would such a sight and pageantry prove unto them? you shall not need to think that the collachrymation of the romans and their confederates at the decease of germanicus drusus was comparable to this lamentation of theirs? neither would i have you to believe that the discomfort and anxiety of the lacedaemonians, when the greek helen, by the perfidiousness of the adulterous trojan, paris, was privily stolen away out of their country, was greater or more pitiful than this ruthful and deplorable collugency of theirs? you may very well imagine that ceres at the ravishment of her daughter proserpina was not more attristed, sad, nor mournful than they. trust me, and your own reason, that the loss of osiris was not so regrettable to isis, nor did venus so deplore the death of adonis, nor yet did hercules so bewail the straying of hylas, nor was the rapt of polyxena more throbbingly resented and condoled by priamus and hecuba, than this aforesaid accident would be sympathetically bemoaned, grievous, ruthful, and anxious to the woefully desolate and disconsolate parents. notwithstanding all this, the greater part of so vilely abused parents are so timorous and afraid of devils and hobgoblins, and so deeply plunged in superstition, that they dare not gainsay nor contradict, much less oppose and resist those unnatural and impious actions, when the mole-catcher hath been present at the perpetrating of the fact, and a party contractor and covenanter in that detestable bargain. what do they do then? they wretchedly stay at their own miserable homes, destitute of their well-beloved daughters, the fathers cursing the days and the hours wherein they were married, and the mothers howling and crying that it was not their fortune to have brought forth abortive issues when they happened to be delivered of such unfortunate girls, and in this pitiful plight spend at best the remainder of their time with tears and weeping for those their children, of and from whom they expected, (and, with good reason, should have obtained and reaped,) in these latter days of theirs, joy and comfort. other parents there have been, so impatient of that affront and indignity put upon them and their families, that, transported with the extremity of passion, in a mad and frantic mood, through the vehemency of a grievous fury and raging sorrow, have drowned, hanged, killed, and otherwise put violent hands on themselves. others, again, of that parental relation have, upon the reception of the like injury, been of a more magnanimous and heroic spirit, who, in imitation and at the example of the children of jacob revenging upon the sichemites the rapt of their sister dinah, having found the rascally ruffian in the association of his mystical mole-catcher closely and in hugger-mugger conferring, parleying, and coming with their daughters, for the suborning, corrupting, depraving, perverting, and enticing these innocent unexperienced maids unto filthy lewdnesses, have, without any further advisement on the matter, cut them instantly into pieces, and thereupon forthwith thrown out upon the fields their so dismembered bodies, to serve for food unto the wolves and ravens. upon the chivalrous, bold, and courageous achievement of a so valiant, stout, and manlike act, the other mole-catching symmysts have been so highly incensed, and have so chafed, fretted, and fumed thereat, that, bills of complaint and accusations having been in a most odious and detestable manner put in before the competent judges, the arm of secular authority hath with much importunity and impetuosity been by them implored and required, they proudly contending that the servants of god would become contemptible if exemplary punishment were not speedily taken upon the persons of the perpetrators of such an enormous, horrid, sacrilegious, crying, heinous, and execrable crime. yet neither by natural equity, by the law of nations, nor by any imperial law whatsoever, hath there been found so much as one rubric, paragraph, point, or tittle, by the which any kind of chastisement or correction hath been adjudged due to be inflicted upon any for their delinquency in that kind. reason opposeth, and nature is repugnant. for there is no virtuous man in the world who both naturally and with good reason will not be more hugely troubled in mind, hearing of the news of the rapt, disgrace, ignominy, and dishonour of his daughter, than of her death. now any man, finding in hot blood one who with a forethought felony hath murdered his daughter, may, without tying himself to the formalities and circumstances of a legal proceeding, kill him on a sudden and out of hand without incurring any hazard of being attainted and apprehended by the officers of justice for so doing. what wonder is it then? or how little strange should it appear to any rational man, if a lechering rogue, together with his mole-catching abettor, be entrapped in the flagrant act of suborning his daughter, and stealing her out of his house, though herself consent thereto, that the father in such a case of stain and infamy by them brought upon his family, should put them both to a shameful death, and cast their carcasses upon dunghills to be devoured and eaten up by dogs and swine, or otherwise fling them a little further off to the direption, tearing, and rending asunder of their joints and members by the wild beasts of the field (as unworthy to receive the gentle, the desired, the last kind embraces of the great alma mater, the earth, commonly called burial). dearly beloved son, have an especial care that after my decease none of these laws be received in any of your kingdoms; for whilst i breathe, by the grace and assistance of god, i shall give good order. seeing, therefore, you have totally referred unto my discretion the disposure of you in marriage, i am fully of an opinion that i shall provide sufficiently well for you in that point. make ready and prepare yourself for panurge's voyage. take along with you epistemon, friar john, and such others as you will choose. do with my treasures what unto yourself shall seem most expedient. none of your actions, i promise you, can in any manner of way displease me. take out of my arsenal thalasse whatsoever equipage, furniture, or provision you please, together with such pilots, mariners, and truchmen as you have a mind to, and with the first fair and favourable wind set sail and make out to sea in the name of god our saviour. in the meanwhile, during your absence, i shall not be neglective of providing a wife for you, nor of those preparations which are requisite to be made for the more sumptuous solemnizing of your nuptials with a most splendid feast, if ever there was any in the world, since the days of ahasuerus. chapter 3.xlix. how pantagruel did put himself in a readiness to go to sea; and of the herb named pantagruelion. within very few days after that pantagruel had taken his leave of the good gargantua, who devoutly prayed for his son's happy voyage, he arrived at the seaport, near to sammalo, accompanied with panurge, epistemon, friar john of the funnels, abbot of theleme, and others of the royal house, especially with xenomanes the great traveller and thwarter of dangerous ways, who was come at the bidding and appointment of panurge, of whose castlewick of salmigondin he did hold some petty inheritance by the tenure of a mesne fee. pantagruel, being come thither, prepared and made ready for launching a fleet of ships, to the number of those which ajax of salamine had of old equipped in convoy of the grecian soldiery against the trojan state. he likewise picked out for his use so many mariners, pilots, sailors, interpreters, artificers, officers, and soldiers, as he thought fitting, and therewithal made provision of so much victuals of all sorts, artillery, munition of divers kinds, clothes, moneys, and other such luggage, stuff, baggage, chaffer, and furniture, as he deemed needful for carrying on the design of a so tedious, long, and perilous voyage. amongst other things, it was observed how he caused some of his vessels to be fraught and loaded with a great quantity of an herb of his called pantagruelion, not only of the green and raw sort of it, but of the confected also, and of that which was notably well befitted for present use after the fashion of conserves. the herb pantagruelion hath a little root somewhat hard and rough, roundish, terminating in an obtuse and very blunt point, and having some of its veins, strings, or filaments coloured with some spots of white, never fixeth itself into the ground above the profoundness almost of a cubit, or foot and a half. from the root thereof proceedeth the only stalk, orbicular, cane-like, green without, whitish within, and hollow like the stem of smyrnium, olus atrum, beans, and gentian, full of long threads, straight, easy to be broken, jagged, snipped, nicked, and notched a little after the manner of pillars and columns, slightly furrowed, chamfered, guttered, and channelled, and full of fibres, or hairs like strings, in which consisteth the chief value and dignity of the herb, especially in that part thereof which is termed mesa, as he would say the mean, and in that other, which hath got the denomination of milasea. its height is commonly of five or six foot. yet sometimes it is of such a tall growth as doth surpass the length of a lance, but that is only when it meeteth with a sweet, easy, warm, wet, and well-soaked soil--as is the ground of the territory of olone, and that of rasea, near to preneste in sabinia--and that it want not for rain enough about the season of the fishers' holidays and the estival solstice. there are many trees whose height is by it very far exceeded, and you might call it dendromalache by the authority of theophrastus. the plant every year perisheth,--the tree neither in the trunk, root, bark, or boughs being durable. from the stalk of this pantagruelian plant there issue forth several large and great branches, whose leaves have thrice as much length as breadth, always green, roughish, and rugged like the orcanet, or spanish bugloss, hardish, slit round about like unto a sickle, or as the saxifragum, betony, and finally ending as it were in the points of a macedonian spear, or of such a lancet as surgeons commonly make use of in their phlebotomizing tiltings. the figure and shape of the leaves thereof is not much different from that of those of the ash-tree, or of agrimony; the herb itself being so like the eupatorian plant that many skilful herbalists have called it the domestic eupator, and the eupator the wild pantagruelion. these leaves are in equal and parallel distances spread around the stalk by the number in every rank either of five or seven, nature having so highly favoured and cherished this plant that she hath richly adorned it with these two odd, divine, and mysterious numbers. the smell thereof is somewhat strong, and not very pleasing to nice, tender, and delicate noses. the seed enclosed therein mounteth up to the very top of its stalk, and a little above it. this is a numerous herb; for there is no less abundance of it than of any other whatsoever. some of these plants are spherical, some rhomboid, and some of an oblong shape, and all of those either black, bright-coloured, or tawny, rude to the touch, and mantled with a quickly-blasted-away coat, yet such a one as is of a delicious taste and savour to all shrill and sweetly-singing birds, such as linnets, goldfinches, larks, canary birds, yellow-hammers, and others of that airy chirping choir; but it would quite extinguish the natural heat and procreative virtue of the semence of any man who would eat much and often of it. and although that of old amongst the greeks there was certain kinds of fritters and pancakes, buns and tarts, made thereof, which commonly for a liquorish daintiness were presented on the table after supper to delight the palate and make the wine relish the better; yet is it of a difficult concoction, and offensive to the stomach. for it engendereth bad and unwholesome blood, and with its exorbitant heat woundeth them with grievous, hurtful, smart, and noisome vapours. and, as in divers plants and trees there are two sexes, male and female, which is perceptible in laurels, palms, cypresses, oaks, holms, the daffodil, mandrake, fern, the agaric, mushroom, birthwort, turpentine, pennyroyal, peony, rose of the mount, and many other such like, even so in this herb there is a male which beareth no flower at all, yet it is very copious of and abundant in seed. there is likewise in it a female, which hath great store and plenty of whitish flowers, serviceable to little or no purpose, nor doth it carry in it seed of any worth at all, at least comparable to that of the male. it hath also a larger leaf, and much softer than that of the male, nor doth it altogether grow to so great a height. this pantagruelion is to be sown at the first coming of the swallows, and is to be plucked out of the ground when the grasshoppers begin to be a little hoarse. chapter 3.l. how the famous pantagruelion ought to be prepared and wrought. the herb pantagruelion, in september, under the autumnal equinox, is dressed and prepared several ways, according to the various fancies of the people and diversity of the climates wherein it groweth. the first instruction which pantagruel gave concerning it was to divest and despoil the stalk and stem thereof of all its flowers and seeds, to macerate and mortify it in pond, pool, or lake water, which is to be made run a little for five days together (properly--'lake water, which is to be made stagnant, not current, for five days together.'--m.) if the season be dry and the water hot, or for full nine or twelve days if the weather be cloudish and the water cold. then must it be parched before the sun till it be drained of its moisture. after this it is in the shadow, where the sun shines not, to be peeled and its rind pulled off. then are the fibres and strings thereof to be parted, wherein, as we have already said, consisteth its prime virtue, price, and efficacy, and severed from the woody part thereof, which is unprofitable, and serveth hardly to any other use than to make a clear and glistering blaze, to kindle the fire, and for the play, pastime, and disport of little children, to blow up hogs' bladders and make them rattle. many times some use is made thereof by tippling sweet-lipped bibbers, who out of it frame quills and pipes, through which they with their liquor-attractive breath suck up the new dainty wine from the bung of the barrel. some modern pantagruelists, to shun and avoid that manual labour which such a separating and partitional work would of necessity require, employ certain cataractic instruments, composed and formed after the same manner that the froward, pettish, and angry juno did hold the fingers of both her hands interwovenly clenched together when she would have hindered the childbirth delivery of alcmena at the nativity of hercules; and athwart those cataracts they break and bruise to very trash the woody parcels, thereby to preserve the better the fibres, which are the precious and excellent parts. in and with this sole operation do these acquiesce and are contented, who, contrary to the received opinion of the whole earth, and in a manner paradoxical to all philosophers, gain their livelihoods backwards, and by recoiling. but those that love to hold it at a higher rate, and prize it according to its value, for their own greater profit do the very same which is told us of the recreation of the three fatal sister parcae, or of the nocturnal exercise of the noble circe, or yet of the excuse which penelope made to her fond wooing youngsters and effeminate courtiers during the long absence of her husband ulysses. by these means is this herb put into a way to display its inestimable virtues, whereof i will discover a part; for to relate all is a thing impossible to do. i have already interpreted and exposed before you the denomination thereof. i find that plants have their names given and bestowed upon them after several ways. some got the name of him who first found them out, knew them, sowed them, improved them by culture, qualified them to tractability, and appropriated them to the uses and subserviences they were fit for, as the mercuriale from mercury; panacea from panace, the daughter of aesculapius; armois from artemis, who is diana; eupatoria from the king eupator; telephion from telephus; euphorbium from euphorbus, king juba's physician; clymenos from clymenus; alcibiadium from alcibiades; gentiane from gentius, king of sclavonia, and so forth, through a great many other herbs or plants. truly, in ancient times this prerogative of imposing the inventor's name upon an herb found out by him was held in a so great account and estimation, that, as a controversy arose betwixt neptune and pallas from which of them two that land should receive its denomination which had been equally found out by them both together--though thereafter it was called and had the appellation of athens, from athene, which is minerva--just so would lynceus, king of scythia, have treacherously slain the young triptolemus, whom ceres had sent to show unto mankind the invention of corn, which until then had been utterly unknown, to the end that, after the murder of the messenger, whose death he made account to have kept secret, he might, by imposing, with the less suspicion of false dealing, his own name upon the said found out seed, acquire unto himself an immortal honour and glory for having been the inventor of a grain so profitable and necessary to and for the use of human life. for the wickedness of which treasonable attempt he was by ceres transformed into that wild beast which by some is called a lynx and by others an ounce. such also was the ambition of others upon the like occasion, as appeareth by that very sharp wars and of a long continuance have been made of old betwixt some residentiary kings in cappadocia upon this only debate, of whose name a certain herb should have the appellation; by reason of which difference, so troublesome and expensive to them all, it was by them called polemonion, and by us for the same cause termed make-bate. other herbs and plants there are which retain the names of the countries from whence they were transported, as the median apples from media, where they first grew; punic apples from punicia, that is to say, carthage; ligusticum, which we call lovage, from liguria, the coast of genoa; rhubarb from a flood in barbary, as ammianus attesteth, called ru; santonica from a region of that name; fenugreek from greece; gastanes from a country so called; persicaria from persia; sabine from a territory of that appellation; staechas from the staechad islands; spica celtica from the land of the celtic gauls, and so throughout a great many other, which were tedious to enumerate. some others, again, have obtained their denominations by way of antiphrasis, or contrariety; as absinth, because it is contrary to psinthos, for it is bitter to the taste in drinking; holosteon, as if it were all bones, whilst, on the contrary, there is no frailer, tenderer, nor brittler herb in the whole production of nature than it. there are some other sorts of herbs which have got their names from their virtues and operations, as aristolochia, because it helpeth women in childbirth; lichen, for that it cureth the disease of that name; mallow, because it mollifieth; callithricum, because it maketh the hair of a bright colour; alyssum, ephemerum, bechium, nasturtium, aneban (henbane), and so forth through many more. other some there are which have obtained their names from the admirable qualities that are found to be in them, as heliotropium, which is the marigold, because it followeth the sun, so that at the sun rising it displayeth and spreads itself out, at his ascending it mounteth, at his declining it waneth, and when he is set it is close shut; adianton, because, although it grow near unto watery places, and albeit you should let it lie in water a long time, it will nevertheless retain no moisture nor humidity; hierachia, eringium, and so throughout a great many more. there are also a great many herbs and plants which have retained the very same names of the men and women who have been metamorphosed and transformed in them, as from daphne the laurel is called also daphne; myrrh from myrrha, the daughter of cinarus; pythis from pythis; cinara, which is the artichoke, from one of that name; narcissus, with saffron, smilax, and divers others. many herbs likewise have got their names of those things which they seem to have some resemblance to; as hippuris, because it hath the likeness of a horse's tail; alopecuris, because it representeth in similitude the tail of a fox; psyllion, from a flea which it resembleth; delphinium, for that it is like a dolphin fish; bugloss is so called because it is an herb like an ox's tongue; iris, so called because in its flowers it hath some resemblance of the rainbow; myosota, because it is like the ear of a mouse; coronopus, for that it is of the likeness of a crow's foot. a great many other such there are, which here to recite were needless. furthermore, as there are herbs and plants which have had their names from those of men, so by a reciprocal denomination have the surnames of many families taken their origin from them, as the fabii, a fabis, beans; the pisons, a pisis, peas; the lentuli from lentils; the cicerons; a ciceribus, vel ciceris, a sort of pulse called chickpease, and so forth. in some plants and herbs the resemblance or likeness hath been taken from a higher mark or object, as when we say venus' navel, venus' hair, venus' tub, jupiter's beard, jupiter's eye, mars' blood, the hermodactyl or mercury's fingers, which are all of them names of herbs, as there are a great many more of the like appellation. others, again, have received their denomination from their forms, such as the trefoil, because it is three-leaved; pentaphylon, for having five leaves; serpolet, because it creepeth along the ground; helxine, petast, myrobalon, which the arabians called been, as if you would say an acorn, for it hath a kind of resemblance thereto, and withal is very oily. chapter 3.li. why it is called pantagruelion, and of the admirable virtues thereof. by such-like means of attaining to a denomination--the fabulous ways being only from thence excepted, for the lord forbid that we should make use of any fables in this a so veritable history--is this herb called pantagruelion, for pantagruel was the inventor thereof. i do not say of the plant itself, but of a certain use which it serves for, exceeding odious and hateful to thieves and robbers, unto whom it is more contrarious and hurtful than the strangle-weed and chokefitch is to the flax, the cats-tail to the brakes, the sheave-grass to the mowers of hay, the fitches to the chickney-pease, the darnel to barley, the hatchet-fitch to the lentil pulse, the antramium to the beans, tares to wheat, ivy to walls, the water-lily to lecherous monks, the birchen rod to the scholars of the college of navarre in paris, colewort to the vine-tree, garlic to the loadstone, onions to the sight, fern-seed to women with child, willow-grain to vicious nuns, the yew-tree shade to those that sleep under it, wolfsbane to wolves and libbards, the smell of fig-tree to mad bulls, hemlock to goslings, purslane to the teeth, or oil to trees. for we have seen many of those rogues, by virtue and right application of this herb, finish their lives short and long, after the manner of phyllis, queen of thracia, of bonosus, emperor of rome, of amata, king latinus's wife, of iphis, autolycus, lycambe, arachne, phaedra, leda, achius, king of lydia, and many thousands more, who were chiefly angry and vexed at this disaster therein, that, without being otherwise sick or evil-disposed in their bodies, by a touch only of the pantagruelion they came on a sudden to have the passage obstructed, and their pipes, through which were wont to bolt so many jolly sayings and to enter so many luscious morsels, stopped, more cleverly than ever could have done the squinancy. others have been heard most woefully to lament, at the very instant when atropos was about to cut the thread of their life, that pantagruel held them by the gorge. but, well-a-day, it was not pantagruel; he never was an executioner. it was the pantagruelion, manufactured and fashioned into an halter; and serving in the place and office of a cravat. in that, verily, they solecized and spoke improperly, unless you would excuse them by a trope, which alloweth us to posit the inventor in the place of the thing invented, as when ceres is taken for bread, and bacchus put instead of wine. i swear to you here, by the good and frolic words which are to issue out of that wine-bottle which is a-cooling below in the copper vessel full of fountain water, that the noble pantagruel never snatched any man by the throat, unless it was such a one as was altogether careless and neglective of those obviating remedies which were preventive of the thirst to come. it is also termed pantagruelion by a similitude. for pantagruel, at the very first minute of his birth, was no less tall than this herb is long whereof i speak unto you, his measure having been then taken the more easy that he was born in the season of the great drought, when they were busiest in the gathering of the said herb, to wit, at that time when icarus's dog, with his fiery bawling and barking at the sun, maketh the whole world troglodytic, and enforceth people everywhere to hide themselves in dens and subterranean caves. it is likewise called pantagruelion because of the notable and singular qualities, virtues, and properties thereof. for as pantagruel hath been the idea, pattern, prototype, and exemplary of all jovial perfection and accomplishment--in the truth whereof i believe there is none of you gentlemen drinkers that putteth any question--so in this pantagruelion have i found so much efficacy and energy, so much completeness and excellency, so much exquisiteness and rarity, and so many admirable effects and operations of a transcendent nature, that if the worth and virtue thereof had been known when those trees, by the relation of the prophet, made election of a wooden king to rule and govern over them, it without all doubt would have carried away from all the rest the plurality of votes and suffrages. shall i yet say more? if oxylus, the son of orius, had begotten this plant upon his sister hamadryas, he had taken more delight in the value and perfection of it alone than in all his eight children, so highly renowned by our ablest mythologians that they have sedulously recommended their names to the never-failing tuition of an eternal remembrance. the eldest child was a daughter, whose name was vine; the next born was a boy, and his name was fig-tree; the third was called walnut-tree; the fourth oak; the fifth sorbapple-tree; the sixth ash; the seventh poplar, and the last had the name of elm, who was the greatest surgeon in his time. i shall forbear to tell you how the juice or sap thereof, being poured and distilled within the ears, killeth every kind of vermin that by any manner of putrefaction cometh to be bred and engendered there, and destroyeth also any whatsoever other animal that shall have entered in thereat. if, likewise, you put a little of the said juice within a pail or bucket full of water, you shall see the water instantly turn and grow thick therewith as if it were milk-curds, whereof the virtue is so great that the water thus curded is a present remedy for horses subject to the colic, and such as strike at their own flanks. the root thereof well boiled mollifieth the joints, softeneth the hardness of shrunk-in sinews, is every way comfortable to the nerves, and good against all cramps and convulsions, as likewise all cold and knotty gouts. if you would speedily heal a burning, whether occasioned by water or fire, apply thereto a little raw pantagruelion, that is to say, take it so as it cometh out of the ground, without bestowing any other preparation or composition upon it; but have a special care to change it for some fresher in lieu thereof as soon as you shall find it waxing dry upon the sore. without this herb kitchens would be detested, the tables of dining-rooms abhorred, although there were great plenty and variety of most dainty and sumptuous dishes of meat set down upon them, and the choicest beds also, how richly soever adorned with gold, silver, amber, ivory, porphyry, and the mixture of most precious metals, would without it yield no delight or pleasure to the reposers in them. without it millers could neither carry wheat, nor any other kind of corn to the mill, nor would they be able to bring back from thence flour, or any other sort of meal whatsoever. without it, how could the papers and writs of lawyers' clients be brought to the bar? seldom is the mortar, lime, or plaster brought to the workhouse without it. without it, how should the water be got out of a draw-well? in what case would tabellions, notaries, copists, makers of counterpanes, writers, clerks, secretaries, scriveners, and such-like persons be without it? were it not for it, what would become of the toll-rates and rent-rolls? would not the noble art of printing perish without it? whereof could the chassis or paper-windows be made? how should the bells be rung? the altars of isis are adorned therewith, the pastophorian priests are therewith clad and accoutred, and whole human nature covered and wrapped therein at its first position and production in and into this world. all the lanific trees of seres, the bumbast and cotton bushes in the territories near the persian sea and gulf of bengala, the arabian swans, together with the plants of malta, do not all the them clothe, attire, and apparel so many persons as this one herb alone. soldiers are nowadays much better sheltered under it than they were in former times, when they lay in tents covered with skins. it overshadows the theatres and amphitheatres from the heat of a scorching sun. it begirdeth and encompasseth forests, chases, parks, copses, and groves, for the pleasure of hunters. it descendeth into the salt and fresh of both sea and river-waters for the profit of fishers. by it are boots of all sizes, buskins, gamashes, brodkins, gambadoes, shoes, pumps, slippers, and every cobbled ware wrought and made steadable for the use of man. by it the butt and rover-bows are strung, the crossbows bended, and the slings made fixed. and, as if it were an herb every whit as holy as the vervain, and reverenced by ghosts, spirits, hobgoblins, fiends, and phantoms, the bodies of deceased men are never buried without it. i will proceed yet further. by the means of this fine herb the invisible substances are visibly stopped, arrested, taken, detained, and prisoner-like committed to their receptive gaols. heavy and ponderous weights are by it heaved, lifted up, turned, veered, drawn, carried, and every way moved quickly, nimbly, and easily, to the great profit and emolument of humankind. when i perpend with myself these and such-like marvellous effects of this wonderful herb, it seemeth strange unto me how the invention of so useful a practice did escape through so many by-past ages the knowledge of the ancient philosophers, considering the inestimable utility which from thence proceeded, and the immense labour which without it they did undergo in their pristine elucubrations. by virtue thereof, through the retention of some aerial gusts, are the huge rambarges, mighty galleons, the large floats, the chiliander, the myriander ships launched from their stations and set a-going at the pleasure and arbitrament of their rulers, conders, and steersmen. by the help thereof those remote nations whom nature seemed so unwilling to have discovered to us, and so desirous to have kept them still in abscondito and hidden from us, that the ways through which their countries were to be reached unto were not only totally unknown, but judged also to be altogether impermeable and inaccessible, are now arrived to us, and we to them. those voyages outreached flights of birds and far surpassed the scope of feathered fowls, how swift soever they had been on the wing, and notwithstanding that advantage which they have of us in swimming through the air. taproban hath seen the heaths of lapland, and both the javas and riphaean mountains; wide distant phebol shall see theleme, and the islanders drink of the flood euphrates. by it the chill-mouthed boreas hath surveyed the parched mansions of the torrid auster, and eurus visited the regions which zephyrus hath under his command; yea, in such sort have interviews been made by the assistance of this sacred herb, that, maugre longitudes and latitudes, and all the variations of the zones, the periaecian people, and antoecian, amphiscian, heteroscian, and periscian had oft rendered and received mutual visits to and from other, upon all the climates. these strange exploits bred such astonishment to the celestial intelligences, to all the marine and terrestrial gods, that they were on a sudden all afraid. from which amazement, when they saw how, by means of this blest pantagruelion, the arctic people looked upon the antarctic, scoured the atlantic ocean, passed the tropics, pushed through the torrid zone, measured all the zodiac, sported under the equinoctial, having both poles level with their horizon, they judged it high time to call a council for their own safety and preservation. the olympic gods, being all and each of them affrighted at the sight of such achievements, said: pantagruel hath shapen work enough for us, and put us more to a plunge and nearer our wits' end by this sole herb of his than did of old the aloidae by overturning mountains. he very speedily is to be married, and shall have many children by his wife. it lies not in our power to oppose this destiny; for it hath passed through the hands and spindles of the fatal sisters, necessity's inexorable daughters. who knows but by his sons may be found out an herb of such another virtue and prodigious energy, as that by the aid thereof, in using it aright according to their father's skill, they may contrive a way for humankind to pierce into the high aerian clouds, get up unto the springhead of the hail, take an inspection of the snowy sources, and shut and open as they please the sluices from whence proceed the floodgates of the rain; then, prosecuting their aethereal voyage, they may step in unto the lightning workhouse and shop, where all the thunderbolts are forged, where, seizing on the magazine of heaven and storehouse of our warlike fire-munition, they may discharge a bouncing peal or two of thundering ordnance for joy of their arrival to these new supernal places, and, charging those tonitrual guns afresh, turn the whole force of that artillery against ourselves wherein we most confided. then is it like they will set forward to invade the territories of the moon, whence, passing through both mercury and venus, the sun will serve them for a torch, to show the way from mars to jupiter and saturn. we shall not then be able to resist the impetuosity of their intrusion, nor put a stoppage to their entering in at all, whatever regions, domiciles, or mansions of the spangled firmament they shall have any mind to see, to stay in, to travel through for their recreation. all the celestial signs together, with the constellations of the fixed stars, will jointly be at their devotion then. some will take up their lodging at the ram, some at the bull, and others at the twins; some at the crab, some at the lion inn, and others at the sign of the virgin; some at the balance, others at the scorpion, and others will be quartered at the archer; some will be harboured at the goat, some at the water-pourer's sign, some at the fishes; some will lie at the crown, some at the harp, some at the golden eagle and the dolphin; some at the flying horse, some at the ship, some at the great, some at the little bear; and so throughout the glistening hostelries of the whole twinkling asteristic welkin. there will be sojourners come from the earth, who, longing after the taste of the sweet cream, of their own skimming off, from the best milk of all the dairy of the galaxy, will set themselves at table down with us, drink of our nectar and ambrosia, and take to their own beds at night for wives and concubines our fairest goddesses, the only means whereby they can be deified. a junto hereupon being convocated, the better to consult upon the manner of obviating a so dreadful danger, jove, sitting in his presidential throne, asked the votes of all the other gods, which, after a profound deliberation amongst themselves on all contingencies, they freely gave at last, and then resolved unanimously to withstand the shocks of all whatsoever sublunary assaults. chapter 3.lii. how a certain kind of pantagruelion is of that nature that the fire is not able to consume it. i have already related to you great and admirable things; but, if you might be induced to adventure upon the hazard of believing some other divinity of this sacred pantagruelion, i very willingly would tell it you. believe it, if you will, or otherwise, believe it not, i care not which of them you do, they are both alike to me. it shall be sufficient for my purpose to have told you the truth, and the truth i will tell you. but to enter in thereat, because it is of a knaggy, difficult, and rugged access, this is the question which i ask of you. if i had put within this bottle two pints, the one of wine and the other of water, thoroughly and exactly mingled together, how would you unmix them? after what manner would you go about to sever them, and separate the one liquor from the other, in such sort that you render me the water apart, free from the wine, and the wine also pure, without the intermixture of one drop of water, and both of them in the same measure, quantity, and taste that i had embottled them? or, to state the question otherwise. if your carmen and mariners, entrusted for the provision of your houses with the bringing of a certain considerable number of tuns, puncheons, pipes, barrels, and hogsheads of graves wine, or of the wine of orleans, beaune, and mireveaux, should drink out the half, and afterwards with water fill up the other empty halves of the vessels as full as before, as the limosins use to do in their carriages by wains and carts of the wines of argenton and sangaultier; after that, how would you part the water from the wine, and purify them both in such a case? i understand you well enough. your meaning is, that i must do it with an ivy funnel. that is written, it is true, and the verity thereof explored by a thousand experiments; you have learned to do this feat before, i see it. but those that have never known it, nor at any time have seen the like, would hardly believe that it were possible. let us nevertheless proceed. but put the case, we were now living in the age of sylla, marius, caesar, and other such roman emperors, or that we were in the time of our ancient druids, whose custom was to burn and calcine the dead bodies of their parents and lords, and that you had a mind to drink the ashes or cinders of your wives or fathers in the infused liquor of some good white-wine, as artemisia drunk the dust and ashes of her husband mausolus; or otherwise, that you did determine to have them reserved in some fine urn or reliquary pot; how would you save the ashes apart, and separate them from those other cinders and ashes into which the fuel of the funeral and bustuary fire hath been converted? answer, if you can. by my figgins, i believe it will trouble you so to do. well, i will despatch, and tell you that, if you take of this celestial pantagruelion so much as is needful to cover the body of the defunct, and after that you shall have enwrapped and bound therein as hard and closely as you can the corpse of the said deceased persons, and sewed up the folding-sheet with thread of the same stuff, throw it into the fire, how great or ardent soever it be it matters not a straw, the fire through this pantagruelion will burn the body and reduce to ashes the bones thereof, and the pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed nor burnt, but also shall neither lose one atom of the ashes enclosed within it, nor receive one atom of the huge bustuary heap of ashes resulting from the blazing conflagration of things combustible laid round about it, but shall at last, when taken out of the fire, be fairer, whiter, and much cleaner than when you did put it in at first. therefore it is called asbeston, which is as much to say as incombustible. great plenty is to be found thereof in carpasia, as likewise in the climate dia sienes, at very easy rates. o how rare and admirable a thing it is, that the fire which devoureth, consumeth, and destroyeth all such things else, should cleanse, purge, and whiten this sole pantagruelion carpasian asbeston! if you mistrust the verity of this relation, and demand for further confirmation of my assertion a visible sign, as the jews and such incredulous infidels use to do, take a fresh egg, and orbicularly, or rather ovally, enfold it within this divine pantagruelion. when it is so wrapped up, put it in the hot embers of a fire, how great or ardent soever it be, and having left it there as long as you will, you shall at last, at your taking it out of the fire, find the egg roasted hard, and as it were burnt, without any alteration, change, mutation, or so much as a calefaction of the sacred pantagruelion. for less than a million of pounds sterling, modified, taken down, and amoderated to the twelfth part of one fourpence halfpenny farthing, you are able to put it to a trial and make proof thereof. do not think to overmatch me here, by paragoning with it in the way of a more eminent comparison the salamander. that is a fib; for, albeit a little ordinary fire, such as is used in dining-rooms and chambers, gladden, cheer up, exhilarate, and quicken it, yet may i warrantably enough assure that in the flaming fire of a furnace it will, like any other animated creature, be quickly suffocated, choked, consumed, and destroyed. we have seen the experiment thereof, and galen many ages ago hath clearly demonstrated and confirmed it, lib. 3, de temperamentis, and dioscorides maintaineth the same doctrine, lib. 2. do not here instance in competition with this sacred herb the feather alum or the wooden tower of pyraeus, which lucius sylla was never able to get burnt; for that archelaus, governor of the town for mithridates, king of pontus, had plastered it all over on the outside with the said alum. nor would i have you to compare therewith the herb which alexander cornelius called eonem, and said that it had some resemblance with that oak which bears the mistletoe, and that it could neither be consumed nor receive any manner of prejudice by fire nor by water, no more than the mistletoe, of which was built, said he, the so renowned ship argos. search where you please for those that will believe it. i in that point desire to be excused. neither would i wish you to parallel therewith--although i cannot deny but that it is of a very marvellous nature--that sort of tree which groweth alongst the mountains of brianson and ambrun, which produceth out of his root the good agaric. from its body it yieldeth unto us a so excellent rosin, that galen hath been bold to equal it to the turpentine. upon the delicate leaves thereof it retaineth for our use that sweet heavenly honey which is called the manna, and, although it be of a gummy, oily, fat, and greasy substance, it is, notwithstanding, unconsumable by any fire. it is in greek and latin called larix. the alpinese name is melze. the antenorides and venetians term it larege; which gave occasion to that castle in piedmont to receive the denomination of larignum, by putting julius caesar to a stand at his return from amongst the gauls. julius caesar commanded all the yeomen, boors, hinds, and other inhabitants in, near unto, and about the alps and piedmont, to bring all manner of victuals and provision for an army to those places which on the military road he had appointed to receive them for the use of his marching soldiery. to which ordinance all of them were obedient, save only those as were within the garrison of larignum, who, trusting in the natural strength of the place, would not pay their contribution. the emperor, purposing to chastise them for their refusal, caused his whole army to march straight towards that castle, before the gate whereof was erected a tower built of huge big spars and rafters of the larch-tree, fast bound together with pins and pegs of the same wood, and interchangeably laid on one another, after the fashion of a pile or stack of timber, set up in the fabric thereof to such an apt and convenient height that from the parapet above the portcullis they thought with stones and levers to beat off and drive away such as should approach thereto. when caesar had understood that the chief defence of those within the castle did consist in stones and clubs, and that it was not an easy matter to sling, hurl, dart, throw, or cast them so far as to hinder the approaches, he forthwith commanded his men to throw great store of bavins, faggots, and fascines round about the castle, and when they had made the heap of a competent height, to put them all in a fair fire; which was thereupon incontinently done. the fire put amidst the faggots was so great and so high that it covered the whole castle, that they might well imagine the tower would thereby be altogether burnt to dust, and demolished. nevertheless, contrary to all their hopes and expectations, when the flame ceased, and that the faggots were quite burnt and consumed, the tower appeared as whole, sound, and entire as ever. caesar, after a serious consideration had thereof, commanded a compass to be taken without the distance of a stone cast from the castle round about it there, with ditches and entrenchments to form a blockade; which when the larignans understood, they rendered themselves upon terms. and then by a relation from them it was that caesar learned the admirable nature and virtue of this wood, which of itself produceth neither fire, flame, nor coal, and would, therefore, in regard of that rare quality of incombustibility, have been admitted into this rank and degree of a true pantagruelional plant; and that so much the rather, for that pantagruel directed that all the gates, doors, angiports, windows, gutters, fretticed and embowed ceilings, cans, (cants?) and other whatsoever wooden furniture in the abbey of theleme, should be all materiated of this kind of timber. he likewise caused to cover therewith the sterns, stems, cook-rooms or laps, hatches, decks, courses, bends, and walls of his carricks, ships, galleons, galleys, brigantines, foists, frigates, crears, barques, floats, pinks, pinnaces, hoys, ketches, capers, and other vessels of his thalassian arsenal; were it not that the wood or timber of the larch-tree, being put within a large and ample furnace full of huge vehemently flaming fire proceeding from the fuel of other sorts and kinds of wood, cometh at last to be corrupted, consumed, dissipated, and destroyed, as are stones in a lime-kiln. but this pantagruelion asbeston is rather by the fire renewed and cleansed than by the flames thereof consumed or changed. therefore, arabians, indians, sabaeans, sing not, in hymns and io paeans, your incense, myrrh, or ebony. come here, a nobler plant to see, and carry home, at any rate, some seed, that you may propagate. if in your soil it takes, to heaven a thousand thousand thanks be given; and say with france, it goodly goes, where the pantagruelion grows. end of book iii 