





  English
  As She is Spoke:

  or

  A Jest in Sober Earnest.

  No. I.

  The Parchment Paper Series.

  _English As She is Spoke._

"EXCRUCIATINGLY FUNNY," says _The World_, is "English as she is
Spoke, or a Jest in Sober thought."

  --

"EVERY one who loves a laugh," says _Fun_, "should either buy, beg,
borrow, or--we had almost said steal--this book; for in sober earnest
we aver that it is not given to every one to 'jest so.'"

  English
  As She is Spoke:

  or

  A Jest in Sober Earnest.

  With an Introduction by

  JAMES MILLINGTON.

  ***

  New York: D. Appleton & Co., 1, 3, & 5 Bond Street.

  1884.

  * Introduction *

  **

_FROM_ the time of Shakspere downwards, wits and authors innumerable
have made themselves and the public more or less merry at the expense
of the earlier efforts of the student of a strange tongue; but it has
been reserved to our own time for a _soi disant_ instructor to
perpetrate--at his own expense--the monstrous joke of publishing a
Guide to Conversation in a language of which it is only too evident
that every word is utterly strange to him. The Teutonic sage who
evolved the ideal portrait of an elephant from his "inner
consciousness" was a commonplace, matter-of fact person compared with
the daring visionary who conjures up a complete system of language
from the same fertile but untrustworthy source. The piquancy of
Senhor Pedro Carolino's _New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese
and English_ is enhanced by the evident _bona fides_ and careful
compilation of "the little book," or as Pedro himself gravely
expresses it, "for the care what we wrote him, and for her
typographical correction."

In short, the _New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and
English_ was written with serious intent, and for the purpose of
initiating Portuguese students into the mysteries of the English
language. The earlier portions of the book are divided into three
columns, the first giving the Portuguese; the second what, in the
opinion of the author, is the English equivalent; and the third the
English equivalent phonetically spelt, so that the tyro may at the
same time master our barbarous phraseology and the pronunciation
thereof. In the second part of the work the learner is supposed to
have sufficiently mastered the pronunciation of the English language,
to be left to his own devices.

A little consideration of the shaping of our author's English phrases
leads to the conclusion that the materials used have been a
Portuguese-French phrase-book and a French-English dictionary. With
these slight impedimenta has the daring Lusitanian ventured upon the
unknown deep of a strange language, and the result, to quote again
from the Preface, "May be worth the acceptation of the studious
persons, and especially of the Youth, at which we dedicate him
particularly," but will at all events contribute not a little to the
Youth's hilarity.

To begin with the vocabulary; it is perhaps hardly fair to expect a
professor of languages to trouble himself with "Degrees of Kindred,"
still, such titles as "Gossip mistress, a relation, an relation, a
guardian, an guardian, the quatergrandfather, the quater-grandmother,"
require some slight elucidation, and passing over the catalogue of
articles of dress which are denominated "Objects of Man" and "Woman
Objects," one may take exception to "crumbs" and "groceries," which
are inserted among plates and cruets as ordinary table garniture.

Among what are denominated "Eatings" we find "some wigs," "a dainty
dishes," "a mutton shoulder," "a little mine," "hog-fat," and "an
amelet": the _menu_ is scarcely appetising, especially when among
"Fishes and Shellfishes" our Portuguese Lucullus sets down the
"hedgehog," "snail," and "wolf." After this such trifles as "starch"
arranged under the heading of "Metals and Minerals," and "brick" and
"whitelead" under that of "Common Stones" fall almost flat; but one
would like to be initiated into the mysteries of "gleek," "carousal,"
and "keel," which are gravely asserted to be "Games." Among "Chivalry
Orders" one has a glimmering of what is intended by "Saint
Michaelmas" and "Very-Merit"; but under the heading of "Degrees,"
although by a slight exercise of the imagination we can picture to
ourselves "a quater master," "a general to galeries," or even a
"vessel captain," we are entirely nonplussed by "a harbinger" and "a
parapet."

Passing on to "Familiar Phrases," most of which appear to be old
friends with new faces, Senhor Carolino's literal cribs from the
French become more and more apparent, in spite of his boast in the
Preface of being "clean of gallicisms and despoiled phrases." "Apply
you at the study during that you are young" is doubtless an excellent
precept, and as he remarks further on "How do you can it to deny";
but study may be misdirected, and in the moral, no less than in the
material world, it is useful to know. "That are the dishes whom you
must be and to abstain"; while the meaning of "This girl have a
beauty edge" is scarcely clear unless it relates to the preternatural
acuteness of the fair sex in these days of board schools and woman's
rights.

Further on the conversationalist appears to get into rough company,
and we find him remarking "He laughs at my nose, he jest by me,"
gallicé "_Il me rit au nez, il se moque de moi_"; "He has me take out
my hairs," "He does me some kicks," "He has scratch the face with
hers nails," all doubtless painfully translated with the assistance
of a French-English dictionary from "_Il m'a arraché les cheveux_,"
"_Il me donne des coups-de-pied_," "_Il m'a lacere la figure de ses
ongles_." It is noticeable that our instructor as a rule endeavours
to make the possessive pronoun agree with the substantive in number
and gender in orthodox Portuguese fashion, and that like a true
grammatical patriot he insists upon the substantive having the same
gender as in his native tongue; therefore "_às unhas_" must be
rendered "hers nails" and "_vóssas civilidádes_" "yours civilities."
By this time no one will be disposed to contradict our inimitable
Pedro when he remarks "_E factéo_" giving the translation as "He has
the word for to laugh," a construction bearing a suspicious
resemblance to "_Il a le mot pour rire._" "He do the devil at four"
has no reference to an artful scheme for circumventing the Archfiend
at a stated hour, but is merely a simulacrum of the well-known gallic
idiomatic expression "_Il fait le diable à quatre._" Truly this is
excellent fooling; _Punch_ in his wildest humour, backed by the whole
colony of Leicester Square, could not produce funnier English.
"He burns one's self the brains," "He was fighted in duel," "They
fight one's selfs together," "He do want to fall," would be more
intelligible if less picturesque in their original form of "_Il se
brûle la cervelle_," "_Il s'cet battu en duel_," "_lis se battent
ensemble_," "_Il manque de tomber_." The comic vein running through
the "Familiar Phrases" is so inexhaustible that space forbids further
quotation from this portion of the book, which may be appropriately
closed with "Help to a little most the better yours terms," a
mysterious adjuration, which a reference to the original Portuguese
leads one to suppose may be a daring guess at "_Choisissez un pen
mieux vos paroles_."

In the second part, entitled "Familiar Dialogues," the fun grows fast
and furious. Let us accompany our mad wag upon "The walk." "You hear
the bird's gurgling?" he enquires, and then rapturously exclaims
"Which pleasure! which charm! The field has by me a thousand
charms"; after this, to the question "Are you hunter? Will you go to
the hunting in one day this week?" he responds "Willingly; I have not
a most pleasure in the world. There is some game on they cantons."
Proceeding from "game" to "gaming" we soon run aground upon the word
"_jeu_," which as we know does duty in French both for a game and a
pack of cards. "At what pack will you that we does play?" "To the
cards." Of course this is "_A quel Jeu voulez vous que nous
Jouions?_" "_Aux cartes_;" and further on "This time I have a great
deal pack," "_Cette fois j'ai un jeu excellent!_"

Now let us listen to our friend at his tailor's: his greeting is
perky--almost slangy. "Can you do me a coat?" he enquires, but
quickly drivels down to "What cloth will you do to?" and then to the
question "What will you to double (_doubler_) the coat?" obtains the
satisfactory answer "From something of duration. I believe to you
that." After requesting to have his garment "The rather that be
possible," he overwhelms the procrastinating man of cloth with the
stern remark "You have me done to expect too," evidently a bold
version of "_Vous m' avez fait trop attendre_," which draws forth the
natural excuse "I did can't to come rather." Passing by a number of
good things which one would like to analyse if space permitted, we
arrive at "For to ride a horse," a fine little bit of word painting
almost Carlylean in its grotesqueness. "Here is a horse who have a
 bad looks. He not sail know to march, he is pursy, he is foundered.
Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as like? he is unshoed, he is
with nails up; it want to lead to the farrier." "Let us prick
(_piquons_) go us more fast, never I was seen a so much bad beast;
she will not nor to bring forward neither put back." "Strek him the
bridle," cries the horsedealer, "Hold him the rein sharters." "Pique
stron gly, make to marsh him." "I have pricked him enough. But
I can't to make marsh him," replies the indignant client. "Go down, I
shall make marsh," declares the dealer; upon which the incensed
equestrian rejoins "Take care that he not give you a foot kicks," and
the "coper" sardonically but somewhat incoherently concludes with
"Then he kicks for that I look? Sook here if I knew to tame hix."

After the "Familiar Dialogues" we come upon a series of letters from
celebrated personages, who would be puzzled to recognize themselves
in their new dresses; and a collection of anecdotes which may be
taken singly after dinner as a gentle promoter of digestion; the
whole being appropriately concluded with "Idiotisms and Proverbs,"
between which it must be confessed the distinction is purely
imaginary; the following are a few gems: "Its are some blu stories"
(_contes bleus_); "Nothing some money, nothing some Swiss," "He sin
in trouble water" (confusion of _pécher_ and _pêcher_). "A horse
baared don't look him the tooth," "The stone as roll not heap up not
foam," _mousse_ meaning both foam and moss, of course the wrong
meaning is essential to a good "idiotism." "To force to forge,
becomes smith" (_a force de forger on devient forgeron_). "To
craunch the marmoset" and "To fatten the foot" may terminate the
list, and are incontestably more idiotic, although scarcely so
idiomatic as "_Croquer le marmot_" and "_Graisser lapatte_."

The column in Portuguese which runs throughout the original work is
omitted, and only a sufficient number of the English extracts are
culled to enable the reader to form a just idea of the
unintentionally humorous style that an author may fall into who
attempts to follow the intricacies of "English as she is spoke" by
the aid of a French dictionary and a phrasebook.

It is to be trusted the eccentric "Guide" to which this short sketch
is intended to serve as Introduction--and, so far as may be,
elucidation--is not a fair specimen of Portuguese or Brazilian
educational literature; if such be the case the schoolmaster is
indeed "abroad," and one may justly fear that his instruction--to
quote once more the Preface--"only will be for to accustom the
Portuguese pupils, or foreign, to speak very bad any of the mentioned
idioms."

  ***

  Preface.

  [Author's]

_A CHOICE of_ familiar dialogues, _clean of gallicisms, and despoiled
phrases, it was missing yet to studious Portuguese and brazilian
Youth; and also to persons of others nations, that wish to know the
Portuguese language. We sought all we may do, to correct that want,
composing and divising the present little work in two parts. The
first includes a greatest vocabulary proper names by alphabetical
order; and the second forty three_ Dialogues _adapted to the usual
precisions of the life. For that reason we did put, with a scrupulous
exactness, a great variety own expressions to english and Portuguese
idioms; without to attach us selves (as make some others) almost at a
literal translation; translation what only will be for to accustom
the Portuguese pupils, or-foreign, to speak very bad any of the
mentioned idioms._

_We were increasing this second edition with a phraseology, in the
first part, and some familiar letters, anecdotes, idiotisms,
proverbs, and to second a coin's index._

_The_ Works _which we were confering for this labour, fond use us for
nothing; but those what were publishing to Portugal, or out, they
were almost all composed for some foreign, or for some national
little acquainted in the spirit of both languages. It was resulting
from that carelessness to rest these_ Works _fill of imperfections,
and anomalies of style; in spite of the infinite typographical faults
which some times, invert the sense of the periods. It increase not to
contain any of those_ Works _the figured pronunciation of the english
words, nor the prosodical accent in the Portuguese; indispensable
object whom wish to speak the english and Portuguese languages
correctly._

_We expect then, who the little book (for the care what we wrote him,
and for her typographical correction) that may be worth the
acceptation of the studious persons, and especially of the Youth, at
which we dedicate him particularly._

  ***

  _English as she is spoke._

  **

                       Of the Man.

  The Brain                 | The inferior lip
  The brains                | The superior lip
  The fat of the Leg        | The marrow
  The ham                   | The reins

                   Defects of the body.

  A blind                   | A left handed
  A lame                    | An ugly
  A bald                    | A squint-eyed
                        A deaf

                    Degrees of kindred.

  The gossip                | the quater-grandfather
  The gossip mistress       | The quater-grandmother
  The Nurse                 | A guardian
  A relation                | An guardian
  An relation               | A widower
                        An widow.

                          Trades.

  Starch-maker              | Porter
  Barber                    | Chinaman
  Coffeeman                 | Founder
  Porkshop-keeper           | Grave-digger
  Cartwright                | Tradesman
  Tinker, a brasier         | Stockingmender
  Nailer                    | Lochsmith

                      Objects of man.

  The boots                 | The lining
  The buckles               | The clogs
  The buttons-holes         | The wig
  The buskins               | the morning-gown, night-gown

                      Woman objects.

  The busk                  | The paint or disguise
  The sash                  | The spindle
  The conet                 | The patches
  The pumps                 | The skate

                        Servants.

  Coochmann                 | Spendth
  Running footman           | Business-man
                          Groome.

                        Diseases.

  The apoplexy              | The megrime
  The scrofulas             | The whitlow
  The melancholy            | The rheumatisme
                      The vomitory.

                      Parties a Town.

  The butchery              | The low eating house
  The cause-way             | The obelis-ks
  The sink                  | The prison, geol

                      Kitchen utensils.

  The skimming-dish         | The spark
  The potlid                | The fire
  The pothanger             | The smoke
  The spunge                | The clout
                         The jack.

                        Of the bed.

  The bed wood              | The feet's bed
  The bed battom            | The pillar's bed
                      The head's bed.

                      For the table.

  Some knifes               | Some groceries
                        Some crumb.

                         Eatings.

  Some sugar-plum           | Hog fat
  Some wigs                 | Some marchpanes
  A chitterling sausages.   | An amelet
  A dainty-dishes           | A slice, steak
  A mutton shoulder         | Vegetables boiled to a pap

                        Seasonings.

  Some wing                 | Some pinions
  Some cinnamon             | Some hog'slard
  Some oranges              | Some verjuice

                         Drinkings.

  Some orgeat               | Some paltry wine
                    Some sirup or sirop

                    Quadruped's beasts.

  Lamb                      | Roebuck
  Ass                       | Dragon
  Shi ass                   | wild sow
  Ass-colt                  | Lioness
  Ram, aries                | Dormouse

                          Birds.

  Becafico                  | Heuth-cock
  Calander                  | Whoop
  Stor                      | Pea cock
  Yeung turkey              | Pinch
                    Red-Breast, a robin

                      Insects-reptiles.

  Asp, aspic                | Fly
  Morpion                   | Butter fly
                         Serpent.

                  Fishes and shell-fishes.

  Calamary                  | Large lobster
  Dorado                    | Snail
  A sorte of fish           | Wolf
  Hedge hog                 | Torpedo
                          Sea-calf.

                          Trees.

  Lote-tree lotos           | Service-tree
  Chest nut-tree            | Jujube-tree
                        Linden-tree.

Flowers.

  Anemony                   | Mil-foils
  Blue-bottle               | Hink
                         Turnsol.

                         Hunting.

  Hunting dog               | Picker
  Relay dog                 | Gun-powder
  Hound dog                 | Priming-powder
  Hound's fee               | Hunts man

                         Colours.

  White                     | Gridelin
  Cray                      | Musk
                           Red.

                    Metals and minerals.

  Starch                    | Latten
  Cooper                    | Plaster
                         Vitriole

                      Common stones.

  Loadstones                | White lead
  Brick                     | Gum-stone

                         Weights.

  Counterpoise              | An obole
  A pound an half           | A quater ounce.

                          Games.

  Football-ball             | Pile
  Bar                       | Mall
  Gleek                     | Even or non even
  Carousal                  | Keel

                         Perfumes.

  Benzion                   | Pomatum
  Perfume paw               | Storax

                        On the church.

  The sides of the nef      | The little cellal
  The holywater-pot         | The boby of the church

                      Solemn-feasts.

  The Deads-day             | The Vigil
  The Twelfth-Dat           | The Visitation

                  Ecclesiastical dignities.

  Incumbent                 | General of an order
  Canon                     | Penitentiary
  Canoness                  | Theologist
  Chanter, a clerk          | General curate

                      Chivalry orders.

  Black eagle               | Elephant
  Avis, advice              | Honour Legion
  Calatrava                 | Saint Michaelmas
                        Very-merit.

                         Degrees.

  A cannoneer               | A general to galeries
  A vessel captain          | A great admiral
  A harbinger               | A king a lieutenant
  A parapet                 | A quater master
  A army general            | A vice admiral's ship

                      Military objects.

  The bait.                 | The fire pan
  An arquebuse              | A bomb ketch
  A bandoleer               | The military case
                      A fusil, a gun.

                    Music's instruments.

  A flagelet                | A dreum
                      A hurdy-gurdy.

                      Chastisements.

  A fine                    | To break upon
  Honourable fine           | To tear off the flesh
                To draw to four horses

  ***

  Familiar Phrases.

  Go to send for.
  Have you say that?
  Have you understand that he says?
  At what purpose have say so?
  Put your confidence at my.
  At what o'clock dine him?
  Apply you at the study during that you are young.
  Dress your hairs.
  Sing an area.
  These apricots and these peaches make me and to come water in mouth.
  How do you can it to deny?
  Wax my shoes.
  That is that I have think.
  That are the dishes whose you must be and to abstain.
  This meat ist not too over do.
  This ink is white.
  This room is filled of bugs.
  This girl have a beauty edge.
  It is a noise which to cleave the head.
  This wood is fill of thief's.
  Tell me, it can one to know?
  Give me some good milk newly get out.
  To morrow hi shall be entirely (her master) or unoccupied.
  She do not that to talk and to cackle.
  Dry this wine.
  He laughs at my nose, he jest by me.
  He has spit in my coat.
  He has me take out my hairs.
  He does me some kicks.
  He has scratch the face with hers nails.
  He burns one's self the brains.
  He is valuable his weight's gold.
  He has the word for to laugh.
  He do the devil at four.
  He make to weep the room.
  He was fighted in duel.
  They fight one's selfs together.
  He do want to fall.
  It must never to laugh of the unhappies.
  He was wanting to be killed.
  I am confused all yours civilities.
  I am catched cold.
  I not make what to coughand spit.
  Never I have feeld a such heat
  Till say-us?
  Till hither.
  I have put my stockings outward.
  I have croped the candle.
  I have mind to vomit.
  I will not to sleep on street.
  I am catched cold in the brain.
  I am pinking me with a pin.
  I dead myself in envy to see her.
  I take a broth all morning.
  I shall not tell you than two woods.
  Have you understanded?
  Let him have know?
  Have you understand they?
  Do you know they?
  Do you know they to?
  The storm is go over.
  The sun begins to dissipe it.
  Witch prefer you?
  The paving stone is sliphery.
  The thunderbolt is falling down.
  The rose-trees begins to button.
  The ears are too length.
  The hands itch at him.
  Have you forgeted me?
  Lay him hir apron.
  Help-to a little most the better yours terms.
  Dont you are awaken yet?
  That should must me to cost my life.
  We are in the canicule.
  No budge you there.
  Do not might one's understand to speak.
  Where are their stockings, their shoes, her shirt and her petlicot?
  One's can to believe you?
  One's find-modest the young men rarely.
  If can't to please at every one's.
  Take that boy and whip him to much.
  Take attention to cut you self.
  Take care to dirt you self.
  Dress my horse.
  Since you not go out, I shall go out nor I neither.
  That may dead if I lie you.
  What is it who want you?
  Why you no helps me to?
  Upon my live.
  All trees have very deal bear.
  A throat's ill.
  You shall catch cold one's.
  You make grins.
  Will some mutton?
  Will you fat or slight?
  Will you this?
  Will you a bon?
  You not make who to babble.
  You not make that to prate all day's work.
  You interompt me.
  You mistake you self heavily.
  You come too rare.

  _End First Part's_

  ***

  Familiar Dialogues

    _For to wish the good morning._

  How does your father do?
  He is very well.
  I am very delight of it. Were is it?
  I shall come back soon, I was no came that to know how you are.

    _For make a visit in the morning._

  Is your master at home?
  Yes, sir.
  Is it up.
  No, sir, he sleep yet.
  I go make that he get up.
  It come in one's? How is it, you are in bed yet?
  Yesterday at evening, I was to bed so late that
  I may not rising me soon that morning.
  Well! what you have done after the supper?
  We have sung, danced, laugh and played.
  What game?
  To the picket.
  Whom I am sorry do not have know it!
  Who have prevailed upon?
  I had gained ten lewis.
  Till at what o'clock its had play one?
  Un till two o'clock after mid night.
  At what o'clock are you go to bed.
  Half pass three.
  I am no astonished if you get up so late.
  What o'clock is it?
  What o'clock you think is it?
  I think is not yet eight o'clock.
  How is that, eight 'clock! it is ten 'clock struck.
  It must then what I rise me quickly.
  Adieu, my deer, I leave you. If can to see you at six clock to the
    hotel from ***, we swill dine togetter.
  Willingly. Good by.

    _For to dress him self._

  John, make haste, lighted the fire and dress-me.
  Give me my shirt.
  There is it sir.
  Is it no hot, it is too cold yet.
  If you like, I will hot it.
  No, no, bring me my silk stocking's.
  Its are make holes.
  Make its a point, or make to mend them.
  Comb me, take another comb. Give me my handkarchief.
  There is a clean, sir.
  What coat dress you to day?
  Those that I had yesterday.
  The tailor do owe to bring soon that of cloth.
  Have you wexed my shoes? I go wex its now.
  It must that I may wash my hands, the mouth and my face.

    _The walk._

  Will you and take a walk with me?
  Wait for that the warm be out.
  Go through that meadow.
  Who the country is beautiful! who the trees are thick!
  Take the bloom's perfume.
  It seems me that the corn does push alredy.
  You hear the bird's gurgling?
  Which pleasure! which charm!
  The field has by me a thousand charms.
  Are you hunter? will you go to the hunting in one day this week?
  Willingly; I have not a most pleasure in the world. There is some
    game on they cantons?
  We have done a great walk.

    _The weather._

  We shall have a fine weather to day.
  There is some foggy.
  I fear of the thunderbolt.
  The sun rise on.
  The sun lie down.
  It is light moon's.

    _For to write._

  It is to day courier day's; I have a letter to write.
  At which does you write?
  Is not that? look one is that.
  This letter is arrears.
  It shall stay to the post. This pen are good for notting. During I
    finish that letter, do me the goodness to seal this packet; it is
    by my cousin.
  How is the day of month?
  The two, the three, the four, etc.
  That is some letter to me.
  Go to bear they letter to the post.

    _The gaming._

  Do you like the gaming?
  At what pack will you that we does play?
  To the cards.
  Waiter, give us a card's game.
  What is the trump?
  The club's king.
  Play, if you please.
  The heart's aces.
  We do ought.
  This time I have a great deal pack.

    _With the tailor._

  Can you do me a coat?
  What cloth will you do to?
  From a stuff what be of season.
  How much wants the ells for coat, waist coat, and breeches?
  Six ells.
  What will you to double the coat?
  From some thing of duration. I believe to you that
  When do you bring me my coat?
  The rather that be possible.
  Bring you my coat?
  Yes, sir, there is it.
  You have me done to expect too.
  I did can't to come rather.
  It don't are finished?
  The lining war not sewd.
  It is so that do one's now.
  Button me.
  It pinches me too much upon stomack.
  The sleeves have not them great deal wideness?
  No, sir, they are well.

    _With a hair dresser._

  Your razors, are them well?
  Yes, Sir.
  Comb-me quickly; don't put me so much pomatum. What news tell me?
    all hairs dresser are newsmonger.
  Sir, I have no heared any thing.

    _For to breakfast._

  John bring us some thing for to breakfast.
  Yes, Sir; there is some sousages. Will you than I bring the ham?
  Yes, bring-him, we will cup a steak put a nappe clothe upon
    this table.
  I you do not eat?
  How you like the tea.
  It is excellent.
  Still a not her cup.

    _For to ask some news._

  It is true what is told of master M***?
  Then what is told of him?
  I have heard that he is hurt mortally.
  I shall be sowow of it, because he is a honestman.
  Which have wounden him?
  Do know it why?
  The noise run that is by to have given a box on the ear
    to a of them.

    _For to buy._

  I won't have a good and fine cloth to make a coat.
  How much do you sell it the ell?
  We thout overcharge you from a halfpenny, it cost twenty franks.
    Sir, I am not accustomed to cheapen: tell me the last price.
  I have told you, sir, it is valuable in that.
  It is too much dear, I give at it, eighteen franks.
  You shall not have what you have wished.
  You did beg me my last word, I told you them.
  Well, well, cut them two ells.
  Don't you will not more?
  No, at present.

    _For to dine._

  Go to dine, the dinner is ready.
  Cut some bread; here is it, I don't know that boiled meat is good.
  Gentilman, will you have some beans?
  Peter, uncork a Porto wine bottle.
  Sir, what will you to?
  Some pears, and apples, what wilt you?
  Taste us rather that liquor, it is good for the stomach.
  I am too much obliged to you, is done.

    _For to speak french._

  How is the french? Are you too learned now?
  I could to tell some word's that I know by heart.
  Not apprehend you, the french language is not difficult.
  I know it, and she have great deal of agreeableness. Who I would
    be. If I was know it! It must to study for to learn it. How long
    there is it what you learn it? It is not yet a month. How is
    called your master?
  It is called N***
  I know him it is long; he has teached a many of my friends. Don't
    he tell you that it must to speak french?

    _For to see the town._

  Anthony, go to accompany they gentilsmen, do they see the town.
  We won't to see all that is it remarquable here.
  Admire this master piece gothic architecture's.
  The chasing of all they figures is astonishing indeed.
  The streets are very layed out by line and too paved.
  There is it also hospitals here?
  It not fail them. What are then the edifices the worthest to
    have seen?
  It is the arsnehal, the spectacle's hall, the cusiom-house and
    the Purse.
  We are going too see the others monuments such that the public
    pawnbroker's office, the plants garden's the money office's,
    the library.

    _To inform oneself of a person._

  How is that gentilman who you did speak by and by.
  Is a German.
  Tongh he is German, he speak so much well italyan, french, Spanish,
  and english, that among the Italyans, they believe him Italyan,
  he speak the frenche as the Frenches himselves. The Spanishesmen
  belie ve him Spanishing, and the Englishes, Englisman.
  It is difficult to enjoy well so much several langages.

    _For to ride a horse._

  Here is a horse who have a bad looks. Give me another; I will
    not that. He not sail know to march, he is pursy, he is foundered.
    Don't you are ashamed to give me a jade as like? he is undshoed,
    he is with nails up; it want to lead to the farrier.
  Your pistols are its loads?
  No; I forgot to buy gun-powder and balls. Let us prick. Go us more
    fast never I was seen a so much bad beast; she will not nor to
    bring forward neither put back.
    Strek him the bridle, hold him the reins sharters. Pique
    stron gly, make to marsh him.
  I have pricked him enough. But I can't to make march him.
  Go down, I shall make march.
  Take care that he not give you a foot kick's.
  Then he kicks for that I look? Sook here if I knew to tame hix.

    _With a watch maker._

  I bring you a watch that want to be ordered.
  I had the misfortune to leave fall down the instant where I did
    mounted, it must to put again a glass.
    I want not a pendulum? I have them here some very good.
    Don't you live me her proof againts? I shall not accept that
      this condition.

    _For to visit a sick._

  How have you passed the night?
  Very bad. I have not sleeped; I have had the fever during all
    night. I fell some pain every where body.
  Live me see your tongue. Have you pain to the heart?
  Are you altered?
  Yes, I have thursty often.
  Your stat have nothing from lrouble some.
  What I may to eat?
  You can take a broth.
  Can I to get up my self?
  Yes, during a hour or two.
  Let me have another thing to do?
  Take care to hold you warme ly, and in two or three days you shall
    be cured.

    _For to travel._

  Where you go so?
  I am going to Cadiz.
  Have you already arrested a coach?
  Yes, sir, and very cheap.
  There is it some danger on the highway?
  It is not spoken that.
  They speak not that may have some robbers on the woods?
  It have nothing to fear, or in day neither the night.
  Don't we does pass for a***?
  No, sir, they leave it to left.
  Let us take patience, still some o'clock, and we shall be in the
    end of our voyage.

    _With a inn keeper._

  What you give us for to take supper.
  Gentlemen, what you will have.
  Give us a pigeon couple, a piece of ham and a salad.
  What have us expended?
  Theaccout mount in little the supper, the bed and the breakfast,
    shall get up at thirty franks.

    _From the house-keeping._

  I don't know more what I won't with they servants.
  I tell the same, it is not more some good servants. Any one take
    care to sweep neither to make fire at what I may be up.
  How the times are changed! Anciently I had some servants who were
    divine my thought. The duty was done at the instant, all things
    were cleanly hold one may look on the furnitures now as you do
    see. It is too different, whole is covered from dust; the
    pierglasses side-boards, the pantries, the chests of drawers, the
    walls selves, are changed of colours. I do like-it too much.
  Believe me, send again whole the people; I take upon my self to
    find you some good servants for to succeed them.
  Ah! what I shall be oblige to you of it!

    _For the comedy._

  Were you go to the theatre yesterday?
  Yes, sir; I won't to see the new play in which did owed to play
    and actress which has not appeared on any theatre.
  How you think her?
  She has very much grace in the deeds great deal of exactness on
    the declamation, a constitution very agreable, and a delightful
    voice.
  What you say of the comedy? Have her succeded? It was a drama;
    it was whistted to the third scene of the last act.
  Because that?
  It whant the vehicle, and the intrigue it was bad conducted.
  So that they won't waited even the upshot?
  No, it was divined.
  In the mean time them did diliver justice to the players which
    generaly have play very well.
  At the exception by a one's self, who had land very much hir's
    part.
  It want to have not any indulgence towards the bat buffoons.
  Have you seen already the new tragedy? They
    praise her very much.
  It is multitude already.
  Never I had seen the parlour so full.
  This actor he make very well her part.
  That piece is full of interest.
  It have wondered the spectadors.
  The curtains let down.
  Go out us.

    _The hunting._

  There is it some game in this wood?
  Another time there was plenty some black beasts and thin game, but
    the poachers have killed almost all.
  Look a hare who run! let do him to pursue for the hounds! it go
    one's self in the ploughed land.
  Here that it rouse. Let aim it! let make fire him!
  I have put down killed.
  Me, I have failed it; my gun have miss fixe.
  I see a hind.
  Let leave to pass away, don't disturte it.
  I have heard that it is plenty pardridges this year.
  Have you killed also some thrushes.
  Here certainly a very good hunting.

    _The fishing._

  That pond it seems me many multiplied of fishes. Let us amuse
    rather to the fishing.
  Here, there is a wand and some hooks.
  Silence! there is a superb perch! Give me quick the rod. Ah!
    there is, it is a lamprey. You mistake you, it is a frog! dip
    again it in the water.

    _With a furniture tradesman._

  It seems no me new.
  Pardon me, it comes workman's hands.
  Which hightness want you its?
  I want almost four feet six thumbs wide's, over seven of long.

    _For embarking one's self._

  Don't you fear the privateers!
  I jest of them; my vessel is armed in man of war, I have a
    vigilant and courageous equipage, and the ammunitions don't want
    me its.
  Never have you not done wreck?
  That it is arrived me twice.

    _With a gardener._

  Shall I eat some plums soon?
  It is not the season yet; but here is some peaches what does ripen
    at the eye sight.
  It delay me to eat some wal nuts-kernels; take care not leave to
    pass the season.
  Be tranquil, I shall throw you any nuts during the shell is green
    yet.
  The artichoks grow its?
  I have a particular care of its, because I know you like the
    bottoms.
  It must to cup the trees.
  It should pull the bad grasses up.

    _The books and of the reading._

  Do you like the reading good deal too many which seem me?
  That is to me a amusement.

      _The field._

  All the fields that you see thither were been neglected; it must I
    shall grub up and to plough its.
  The ground seems me a little scour with sand and yet it may one
    make it bring up; I want be fumed time by time.

    _The writing._

  Your pens have any notches, and its spit.
  How do you like its? will you its are fine or broad?
  I won't me also a wafer or some sealing wax and a seal.
  In this drawer, there is all that, falding stick, rule, scraper,
    saud, etc.
  There is the postman I go to put it him again.

    _With a bookseller._

  What is there in new's litterature?
  Little or almost nothing, it not appears any thing of note.
  And yet one imprint many deal.
  But why, you and another book seller, you does not to imprint some
    good wooks?
  There is a reason for that, it is that you cannot to sell its. The
    actual-liking of the public is depraved they does not read who
    for to amuse one's self ant but to instruct one's.
  But the letter's men who cultivate the arts and the sciences they
    can't to pass without the books.
  A little learneds are happies enough for to may to satisfy their
    fancies on the literature.
  Have you found the Buff on who I had call for?
  I have only been able to procure the octodecimo edition, which is
    embellished with plates beautifully coloured.

    _With a dentist._

  I have the teetht-ache.
  Is it a fluxion, or have you a bad tooth?
  I think that is a bad tooth; please you to examine my mouth?
  You have a bad tooth; will you pull out this tooth?
  I can't to decide me it, that make me many great deal pain.
  Your tooth is absolutely roted; if you leave it; shall spoil the
    others.
  In such case draw it.
  I shall you neat also your mouth, and you could care entertain it
    clean, for to preserve the mamel of the teeth; I could give you
    a opiate for to strengthen the gums.
  I thank you; I prefer the only means, which is to rinse the mouth
    with some water, or a little brandy.

    _With a laundress._

  Who lhat be too washed, too many soaped, and the shirts put through
    the buck. You may be sure; never I do else.

    _For to swim._

  I row upon the belly on the back and between two waters.
  I am not so dexte rous that you.
  Nothing is more easy than to swim; it do not what don't to be
  afraid of.

    _The french language._

  Do you study?
  Yes, sir, I attempts to translate of french by portuguese.
  Do you know already the principal grammars rules?
  I am appleed my self at to learn its by heart.
  Do speak french alwais?
  Some times: though I flay it yet.
  You jest, you does express you self very well.

  ***

  Familiar Letters.

    _Racine to M. Fitart._

My uncle what will to treat her beshop in a great sumptuouness, he
was go Avignon for to buy what one not should find there, and he had
leave me the charge to provide all things. I have excellent business,
as you see, and I know some thing more than to eat my soup, since I
know do to prepare it. I did learn that it must give to the first, to
second, and to the third service, by dishes that want to join, and
yet some thing more; because we does pretend make a feast at four
services without to account the dessert. Good bye, my dear sir, etc.

    _Mothe to the duchess of the Maine._

My lady, I have a complaint to present you. So much happy that might
be one's self, one have not all theirs eases in this world. Your
letters are shortest. You have plaied wonderfully all sentiments;
less her prattle, etc.

    _Montesquieu to the abbot Nicolini._

Allow me, my dear abbot, who I remind me of your friendship. I
recommend you M. of the Condamine. I shall tell you nothing, else he
is a of my friends. Her great celebrity may tell you from others
things, and her presence will say you the remains. My dear abbot, I
will love you even the death.

  ***

  Anecdotes.

Guttler, a very rich man too many avaricious, commonly he was travel
at a horse, and single for to avoid all expenses. In the evening at
to arrive at the inn did feign to be indispose, to the end that one
bring him the supper. He did ordered to the stable knave to bring in
their room some straw, for to put in their boots he made to warm her
bed and was go lo sleep. When the servant was draw again, he come up
 again, and with the straw of their boots, and the candle Avhat was
leave him he made a small fire where he was roast a herring what he
did keep of her pocket. He was always the precaution one to provide
him self of a small of bread and one bring up a water bottle, and
thus with a little money.

  **

A blind did hide five hundred crowns in a corner of their garden; but
a neighbour, which was perceive it, did dig up and took its. The
blind not finding more her money, was suspect that might be the
robed, but one work for take again it? He was going find the
 neighbour, and told him that he came to get him a council; than he
was a thousand crowns which the half was hided into a sure part and I
don't know if want, if to put the remains to the same part. The
neighbour was council him so and was hasten to carry back that sum,
in the hope soon to draw out a thousand. But the blind having finded
the money, was seized it, having called her neighbour, he told him:
"Gossip, the blind saw clearer than this that may have two eyes."

  **

A man one's was presented at a magistrate which had a considerable
library. "What you make?" beg him the magistrate. "I do some books,"
 he was answered. "But any of your books I did not seen its.--I
believe it so, was answered the author; I mak nothing for Paris. From
a of my works is imprinted, I send the edition for America; I don't
compose what to colonies."

  **

One eyed was laied against a man which had good eyes that he saw
better than him. The party was accepted. "I had gain, over said the
one eyed; why I see you two eyes, and you not look me who one."

  **

A english lord was in their bed tormented, cruelly of the gout, when
was announced him a pretended physician, which had a remedy sure
against that illness. "That doctor came in coach or on foot?" was
request the lord. "On foot," was answered him the servant. "Well, was
replied the sick, go tell to the knave what go back one's self,
because if he was the remedy, which he exalt him self, he should roll
a coach at six horses, and I would be send for him my self and to
offer him the half part of my lands for to be delivered of my
sickness."

  **

A duchess accused of magic being interrogated for a commissary
extremely unhandsome, this was beg him selve one she had look the
devil. "Yes, sir, I did see him, was answer the duchess, and he was
like you as two water's drops."

  **

A Lady, which was to dine, chid to her servant that she not had used
butter enough. This girl, for to excuse him selve, was bing a little
cat on the hand, and told that she came to take him in the crime,
finishing to eat the two pounds from butter who remain. The Lady took
immediately the cat, was put into the balances it had not weighted
that one an half pound.

  **

A countryman which came through to Paris upon the bridge to the
change, not had perceived merchandises in several shops. The
curiosity take him, he come near of a exchange desk:--"Sir, had he
beg from a look simple, tell me what you sell." The loader though
that he may to divert of the personage:--"I sell, was answered him
asse's heads."--"Indeed, reply to him the countryman, you make of it
a great sale, because it not remains more but one in your shop."

  **

The commander Forbin of Janson, being at a repast with a celebrated
Boileau, had undertaken to pun him upon her name:--"What name, told
him, carry you thither? Boileau: I would wish better to call me
Drink wine." The poet was answered him in the same tune:--"And you,
sir, what name have you choice? Janson: I should prefer to be named
John-Meal. The meal don't is valuable better than the furfur?"

  **

A physician eighty years of age had enjoicd of a health unalterable.
Theirs friends did him of it compliments every days: "Mister doctor,
they said to him, you are admirable man. What you make then for to
bear you as well?--I shall tell you it, gentlemen he was answered
them, and I exhort you in same time at to follow my exemple. I live
of the product of my ordering without take any remedy who I command
to my sicks."

  **

A countryman was confessed to the parson to have robbed a mutton at a
farmer of her neighbourhood. "My friend, told him the confessor, it
must to return, or you shall not have the absolution.--But repply the
villager, I had eated him.--So much worse, told him the pastor; you
vill be the devil sharing; because in the wide vale where me ought to
appear we before God every one shall spoken against you, even the
mutton. How! repply the countryman, the mutton will find in that
part? I am very glad of that; then the restitution shall be easy,
since I shall not have to tell to the farmer: "Neighbour take your
mutton again."

  **

Plato walking one's self a day to the field with some of their
friends. They were to see him Diogenes who was in to water untill the
chin. The superficies of the water was snowed, for the reserve of the
hole that Diogenes was made. "Don't look it more told them Plato, and
he shall get out soon."

  **

A day came a man consult this philosopher for to know at o'clock it
was owe to eat. If thou art rich, told him eat when you shall wish;
if you are poor, when you may do.

  **

At the middle of a night very dark, a blind was walk in the streets
with a light on the hand and a full jar upon the back. Some one which
ran do meet him, and surprised of that light: "Simple that you are,
told him, what serve you this light? The night and the day are not
them the same thing by you!--It is not for me, was answering the
blind, that I bring this light, it is to the and that the giddie
swhich seem to you do not come to run against me, and make to break
my jar."

  ***

  Idiotisms and Proverbs.

  **

  The necessity don't know the low.
  Few, few the bird make her nest.
  He is not valuable to breat that he eat.
  Its are some blu stories.
  Nothing some money, nothing of Swiss.
  He sin in trouble water.
  A bad arrangement is better than a process.
  He has a good beak.
  In the country of blinds, the one eyed men are kings.
  To build castles in Espagnish.
  Cat scalded fear the cold water.
  To do the fine spirit.
  With a tongue one go to Roma.
  There is not any rnler without a exception.
  Take out the live coals with the hand of the cat.
  A horse baared don't look him the tooth.
  Take the occasion for the hairs.
  To do a wink to some body.
  So many go the jar to spring, than at last rest there.
  He eat untill to can't more.
  Which like Bertram, love hir dog.
  It want to beat the iron during it is hot.
  He is not so devil as he is black.
  It is better be single as a bad company.
  The stone as roll not heap up not foam.
  They shurt him the doar in face.
  He has fond the knuckle of the business.
  He turns as a weath turcocl.
  There is not better sauce who the appetite.
  The pains come at horse and turn one's self at foot.
  He is beggar as a church rat.
  So much go the jar to spring that at last it break there.
  To force to forge, becomes smith.
  Keep the chestnut of the fire with the cat foot.
  Friendship of a child is water into a basket.
  At some thing the misforte is good.
  Burn the politeness.
  Tell me whom thou frequent, I will tell you which you are.
  After the paunch comes the dance.
  Of the hand to mouth, one lose often the soup.
  To look for a needle in a hay bundle.
  To craunch the marmoset.
  To buy cat in pocket.
  To be as a fish into the water.
  To make paps for the cats.
  To fatten the foot.
  To come back at their muttons.







