edinburgh, 6 april 1653. forasmeikle as the provest, bailies, and councel of this burgh being conveened in counsel, finding that this good town hath been, and is greatly abused by strangers, vagabonds, unfree persons, and masterlesse people ... edinburgh (scotland). town council. this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription b03003 of text r174856 in the english short title catalog (wing e164b). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. this text has not been fully proofread approx. 2 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 1 1-bit group-iv tiff page image. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo 2017 b03003 wing e164b estc r174856 53981647 ocm 53981647 180212 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. b03003) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 180212) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 2820:18) edinburgh, 6 april 1653. forasmeikle as the provest, bailies, and councel of this burgh being conveened in counsel, finding that this good town hath been, and is greatly abused by strangers, vagabonds, unfree persons, and masterlesse people ... edinburgh (scotland). town council. 1 sheet ([1] p.) s.n., [edinburgh : 1653] title from caption and first lines of text. imprint suggested by wing. headpiece; initial letter. reproduction of the original in the national library of scotland. eng rogues and vagabonds -legal status, laws, etc. -scotland -edinburgh -early works to 1800. edinburgh (scotland) -politics and government -17th century -sources. broadsides -scotland -17th century. b03003 r174856 (wing e164b). civilwar no edinburgh, 6 april 1653. : forasmeikle as the provest, bailies, and councel of this burgh being conveened in counsel, finding that this good edinburgh 1653 281 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 a this text has no known defects that were recorded as gap elements at the time of transcription. 2008-05 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2008-06 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2008-07 paul schaffner sampled and proofread 2008-07 paul schaffner text and markup reviewed and edited 2008-09 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion edinbvrgh , 6. april 1653. forsameikle , as the provest , bailies , and counsel of this burgh being conveened in counsel , finding that the good town hath been , and is greatly abused by strangers , vagabonds , unfree persons , and masterlesse people , both men and women , who take up their residence and dwelling within this burgh , and harbours and resets all manner of wicked and ungodly persons , whereby the town is defiled with all kinde of vice , the kirk overburthened with their maintenance , and the monethly contributions and collections appointed for the towns poor , are imployed and consumed upon them . for remedy whereof , it is statute and ordained , that no land-lord or heritour within this burgh , set their houses to such unlawfull persons , nor admit of such tennents to reside therein , nor receive any strangers whatsomever without a famous testimoniall of their honest conversation to bee approven be the magistrat , or kirk session where they remain . and that the late incomers , and strangers who are evidently known to have neither means nor lawfull calling whereby to live , be timeously warned be their land-lords , to remove forth of this burgh , & return to the places of their former residence , whether they be men or women , under such pains and penalties as the magistrat shall think fit to injoyn for their contempt and dissobedience . and ordains thir presents to be published thorow this burgh be touk of drum , and affixed in the publict mercat places , that none pretend ignorance of the same . by the mayor whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggars ... city of london (england). this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription a49057 of text r39658 in the english short title catalog (wing l2883j). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. this text has not been fully proofread approx. 6 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 1 1-bit group-iv tiff page image. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo 2017 a49057 wing l2883j estc r39658 18461198 ocm 18461198 107742 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a49057) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 107742) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1638:12) by the mayor whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggars ... city of london (england). 1 broadside. printed by james flesher ..., [london] : [1656] second part of title taken from first two lines of text. "dated the twenty third day of janaury 1655. place and date of publication suggested by wing. reproduction of original in the guildhall, london. eng rogues and vagabonds -england. london (england) -history -17th century. a49057 r39658 (wing l2883j). civilwar no by the mayor whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggars ... corporation of london 1655 1022 1 0 0 0 0 0 10 c the rate of 10 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the c category of texts with between 10 and 35 defects per 10,000 words. 2007-12 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2008-01 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2008-02 elspeth healey sampled and proofread 2008-02 elspeth healey text and markup reviewed and edited 2008-09 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion by the mayor . whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues , vagabonds , and sturdy beggers that vermine of this common wealth doth now swarme in and about this city and liberties , disturbing and annoying the inhabitants and passengers , by hanging upon coaches , and clamarous begging at the doores of churches and private houses and in the streets and common wayes ; veguiling the modest , laborious and honest poore , ( the proper objects of charity ) of much releife and almes which otherwise might bee disposed to them by bountifull and well minded people : and by this meanes and their corrupt and prophane communication , doe bring dishonor to god , scandall to religion , and shame to the government of this city : and for as much as it is intended and resolved that for reformation of this living nusance , the said lawes and statutes shall bee hence-forth duely and strictly executed within this city and liberties thereof , and the penaltyes and punishments thereby appointed , imposed and inflicted upon all persons offending against the same : i doe therefore give notice thereof , and in the name of his highnes the lord protector , doe hereby require and command all constables and other officers and persons whatsoever within this city and liberties , to bee diligent and watchfull about their duties herein : for better information whereof and that none may excuse himselfe by pretence of ignorance , i have caused some branches of the said statutes of most common concernment to bee added hereunto , expecting that accordingly every constable doe presently apprehend ( and so continue to doe during his said office ) all such rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers as shall bee found in his parish or precinct , or shall bee brought or sent to him by any of his neighbors , and to send to bridewell the place of correction ) such of them as live within this city and liberties , who are there to bee received and dealt withall according to law ; and such as live not within the liberties aforesaid , to whipp and passe away to the place of their dwelling or last aboad . and that all other persons doe apprehend or cause to bee apprehended all such as they shall see or know to resort to their houses to receive or begg any almes , and carry or cause them to bee carried to the next constable , and that in all other things they give that furtherance to this worke as by the law is required . and further i doe hereby require all and every the said constables , to the end their dwellings may bee the better known and more readily found , that they have their staves see or fired at their streete doores , plainly to bee seene by all passengers . and moreover , that on the first wednesday in every moneth at foure of the clocke in the afternoone , they deliver in to the corporation for the poore at weavers hall , a list of the names and firnames of all such rogues and beggers as shall by them respectively bee apprehended , whipped and passed away , with the time when and the place to which they are sent . as they will answere the contrary at their perills . dated the twenty third day of january 1655. to all and every the constables within the city of london and liberties thereof . sadler . every rogue , vagabond , or sturdy begger that shall bee taken begging , vagrant , wandering , or misordering themselves , shall bee apprehended by any constable of the parish where such person shall bee taken , and bee stripped naked from the middle upwards and bee openly whipped , till his or her body bee bloody and shall bee forthwith sent from parish to parish by the said officer , the next streight way to the parish where hee was b●rn , if the same may bee known by the parties confession or otherwise , and if the same bee not known , then to the parish where bee or shee last dwelt , before the same punishment , by the space of one whole yeare , or if it bee not known where hee or shee was borne , or last dwelt , then to the parish to which hee or shee last passed without punishment &c. if any constable bee negligent and doe not his and their best endeavours for the apprehension of such vagabond , rogue , or sturdy begger , and to cause every of them to bee punished and convayed as aforesaid , then the constable in whom such default shall bee , shall loose and forfeit for every such default tenne shillings . . also if any person doe disturbe or let the execution of this law , or make rescusse against any officer or person authourised for the due execution of the premisses , such person offending shall forfeite for every such offence five pounds , and bee bound to the good behaviour . every person or persons shall apprehend or cause to bee apprehended , such rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers as hee or they shall see or know to resort to their houses to begg , gather , or receive any almes , and him or them shall carry or cause to bee carried to the next constable , upon paine to forfeit for every default tenne shillings . and if such constable doe not cause the said rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers to bee punished and convayed as aforesaid , such constable shall forfeit and loose the summe of twenty shillings for every default . printed by james flesher printer to honourable city of london . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a49057e-140 39 eliz. cap. 4. 39 eliz. cap. 4. 39 eliz. cap. 4 1 lac . cap. 7. 1 lac . cap. 7. by the mayor. whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggers, that vermine of this common-wealth doth now swarme in and about this city and liberties, ... city of london (england). lord mayor. this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription a74147 of text r211678 in the english short title catalog (thomason 669.f.20[21]). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. this text has not been fully proofread approx. 6 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 1 1-bit group-iv tiff page image. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo 2017 a74147 thomason 669.f.20[21] estc r211678 99870384 99870384 163438 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a74147) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 163438) images scanned from microfilm: (thomason tracts ; 247:669f20[21]) by the mayor. whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggers, that vermine of this common-wealth doth now swarme in and about this city and liberties, ... city of london (england). lord mayor. 1 sheet ([1] p.) printed by james flesher printer to honourable city of london, [london] : 1655. title from caption and first lines of text. signed and dated: the twenty third day of january 1655. sadler. annotation on thomason copy: "decemb. 1655". reproduction of the original in the british library. eng begging -england -london -early works to 1800. rogues and vagabonds -england -london -early works to 1800. london (england) -history -17th century -early works to 1800. a74147 r211678 (thomason 669.f.20[21]). civilwar no by the mayor. whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues, vagabonds, and sturdy beggers, that vermine of the city of london 1655 1025 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 a this text has no known defects that were recorded as gap elements at the time of transcription. 2008-06 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2008-07 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2008-08 john pas sampled and proofread 2008-08 john pas text and markup reviewed and edited 2008-09 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion by the mayor . whereas by neglect of executing the good lawes and statutes against rogues , vagabonds , and sturdy beggers , that vermine of this common-wealth doth now swarme in and about this city and liberties , disturbing and annoying the inhabitants and passengers , by hanging upon coaches , and clamarous begging at the doores of churches and private houses and in the streets and common dayes ; beguilling the modest , laborious and honest poore , ( the proper obiects of charity ) of much reliefe and almes which otherwise might bee disposed to them by bountifull and well minded people : and by this meanes and their corrupt and prophane communication , doe bring dishonor to god , scandall to religion , and shame to the government of this city : and for as much as it is intended and resolved that for reformation of this living nusance , the said lawes and statutes shall bee hence-forth duely and strictly executed within this city and liberties thereof , and the penaltyes and punishments thereby appointed , imposed and inflicted upon all persons offending against the same : i doe thereofore give notice thereof , and in the name of his highnes the lord protector , doe hereby require and command all constables and other officers and persons whatsoever within this city and liberties , to bee diligent and watchfull about their duties herein : for better information whereof and that none may excuse himselfe by pretence of ignorance , i have caused some branches of the said statutes of most common concernment to bee added hereunto , expecting that accordingly every constable doe presently apprehend ( and so continue to doe during his said office ) all such rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers as shall bee found in his parish or precinct , or shall bee brought or sent to him by any of his neighbors , and to send to bridewell ( the place of correction ) such of them as live within this city and liberties , who are there to bee received and dealt withall according to law ; and such as live not within the liberties aforesaid , to whipp and passe away to the place of their dwelling or last aboade . and that all other persons doe apprehend or cause to bee apprehended all such as they shall see or know to resort to their houses to receive or begg any almes , and carry or cause them to bee carried to the next constable , and that in all other things they give that furtherance to this worke as by the law is required . and further , i doe hereby require all and every the said constables , to the end their dwellings may bee the better known and more readily found , that they have their staves set or fixed at their streete doores , plainly to bee seene by all passengers . and moreover , that on the first wednesday in every moneth at foure of the clocke in the afternoone , they deliver in to the corporation for the poore at weavers hall , a list of the names and sirnames of all such rogues and beggers as shall by them respectively bee apprehended , whipped and passed away , with the time when , and the place to which they are sent . as they will answere the contrary at their perills . dated the twenty third day of january 1655. sadler . to all and every the constables within the city of london and liberties thereof . 39 eliz cap. 4. every rogue , vagabond , or sturdy begger that shall bee taken begging , vagrant , wandering , or misordering themselves , shall bee apprehended by any constable of the parish where such person shall bee taken , and bee stripped naked from the middle upwards and bee openly whipped , till his or her body bee bloody and shall bee forthwith sent from parish to parish by the said officer , the next streight way to the parish where hee or shee was born , if the same may bee known by the parties confession or otherwise , and if the same bee not known , then to the parish where hee or shee last dwelt , before the same punishment , by the space of one whole yeare , or if it bee not know where hee or shee was borne , or last dwelt , then to the parish to which hee or shee last passed without punishment &c. 39 eliz. cap. 4. if any constable bee negligent and doe not his and their best endeavours for the apprehension of such vagabond , rogue , or sturdy begger , and to cause every of them to bee punished and convayed as aforesaid , then the constable in whom such default shall bee , shall loose and forfeit for every such default tenne shillings . 39 eliz. cap. 4. also , if any person doe disturbe or let the execution of this law , or make rescusse against any officer or person authorised for the due execution of the premisses , such person offending shall forfeit for every such offence five pounds , and bee bound to the good behaviour . 1 iac. cap. 7. every person or persons shall apprehend or cause to bee apprended , such rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers as hee or they shall see or know to resort to their houses to begg , gather , or receive any almes , and him or them shall carry or cause to bee carried to the next constable , upon paine to forfeit for every default tenne shillings . 1. iac. cap. 7. and if such constable doe not cause the said rogues , vagabonds and sturdy beggers to bee punished and convayed as aforesaid , such constable shall forefeit and loose the summe of twenty shillings for every default . printed by james flesher printer to honourable city of london . a proclamation against robbers and vagabounds, &c. scotland. privy council. 1697 approx. 5 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 1 1-bit group-iv tiff page image. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2009-10 (eebo-tcp phase 1). b05470 wing s1605 estc r183341 52528929 ocm 52528929 178982 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. b05470) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 178982) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 2775:53) a proclamation against robbers and vagabounds, &c. scotland. privy council. scotland. sovereign (1694-1702 : william ii) 1 sheet ([1] p.) printed by the heirs and successors of andrew anderson, printer to the kings most excellent majesty, edinburgh : anno dom. 1697. caption title. royal arms at head of text. intentional blank spaces in text. signed: gilb. eliot. cls. sti. concilii. dated: given under our signet at edinburgh the twenty eight day of december, and of our reign the ninth year 1697. reproduction of the original in the national library of scotland. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng rogues and vagabonds -scotland -early works to 1800. brigands and robbers -scotland -early works to 1800. broadsides -scotland -17th century. 2008-10 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2008-12 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2009-01 scott lepisto sampled and proofread 2009-01 scott lepisto text and markup reviewed and edited 2009-02 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion royal blazon or coat of arms w r 〈◊〉 soit qvi mal y 〈…〉 diev 〈◊〉 mon d●oit a proclamation against robbers and vagabounds , &c. william by the grace of god king of great-britain , france and ireland , defender of the faith ; to _____ macers of our privy council , messengers at arms , our sheriffs in that part , conjunctly and severally , specially constitute , greeting ; forasmuchas , it is generally complained , that there be many idle , louse and vagabound persons , who singly by themselves , and in companies , go throw the countrey , and both to burgh and landward , rob or steal from people their goods , do violence to their persons , and extort from them meat , drink and lodging without payment , and commit several other abuses , contrair to the laws and acts of parliament : therefore , we have thought fit to enjoyn and command likeas , we hereby , with the advice of the lords of our privy council , strictly enjoyn , command and charge all sheriffs , lords of regality , baillies of bailliaries , stewarts of stewartries , and their deputs , magistrats of burghs , justices of the peace , and other judges and officers of the law , to put the following laws and acts of parliament in due and vigorous execution ; viz. the seventh act parliament first , james the first , whereby it is statute , that no companies pass in the countrey , and ly on our leidges , or thig or sojourn on them under the pain of assything of the party compleaning ; the act james second , parliament sixth , caput twenty one , whereby it is ordained , that for the away-putting of sorners , overlyers and masterfull beggars , inquisition be made by all judges against them , and they be put in our ward or our irons for their trespasses , as long as they have any goods of their own to live upon , that their ears be nailed to the tron or other tree , and that the same be cut off , and they banished the countrey ; and if thereafter they be found , that they be hanged , act james second , parliament eleventh , caput fourty five , whereby it is statute , that wherever sorners are overtaken , they be delivered to our sheriffs , and that furthwith our justices do law upon them , as upon thieves and robbers , act parliament 12. caput 53. ibidem , whereby it is statute , that no man reive another of any manner of goods which they are in possession off , act james the third , parliament tenth , caput seventy eight ratifying the saids acts ; and act james the sixt parliament twelfth , caput on hundred and fourty seventh , whereby it is statute , that all men certifie concerning vagabounds and suspect persons , that they may be apprehended under the pains due to these vagabounds ; and generally , all other laws and acts made against robbing , thieving , sorning , and other abuses of that sort , and for preserving the peace and good order of the kingdom and for the better preserving of the peace and safety of our liedges ; we with advice foresaid , and in pursuance of the foresaids laws , do farder command and charge all sheriffs , magistrats , and other officers above named , that they cause special notice to be taken of all idle and vagabound persons , either in burgh or landward , and that they take up their names , and take such security of them for their good behaviour , as they shall judge needful : as also , we with advice foresaid do hereby impower the justices of peace , and heretors within each paroch , to appoint one or more within the bounds thereof , as they shall see needful , to be watches both by night and day , for preventing the foresaids abuses , by giving timeous warning , and conveening the neighbourhead to resist the foresaid robbers , thieves , sorners , or others committing the saids abuses , and seize and apprehend them , and to defend leil-mens persons and goods , and bring to justice and condign punishment the foresaids persons guilty , for which these shall be sufficient warrant . our will is herefore , and we charge you strictly and command , that incontinent these our letters seen , ye pass to the mercat cross of edinburgh , and remanent mercat-crosses of the haill head-burghs of the several shires and stewartries within this kingdom , and there in our name and authority , by open proclamation , make intimation hereof that none pretend ignorance , and ordains these presents to be printed . given under our signet at edinburgh the twenty eight day of december , and of our reign the ninth year 1697. per actum dominorum secreti concilii . gilb . eliot . cls. sti. concilii . god save the king. edinburgh , printed by the heirs and successors of andrew anderson , printer to the kings most excellent majesty , anno dom. 1697. an historical narrative of the german princess containing all material passages, from her first arrivall at graves-end, the 30th of march last past, untill she was discharged from her imprisonment, june the sixth instant. wherein also is mentioned, sundry private matters, between mr. john carlton, and others, and the said princess; not yet published. together with a brief and notable story, of billing the brick-layer, one of her pretended husbands, coming to new-gate, and demanding of the keeper her deliverance, on monday the eighth instant. written by her self, for the satisfaction of the world, at the request of divers persons of honour. carleton, mary, 1642?-1673. 1663 approx. 54 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 12 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2007-10 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a43885 wing h2106 estc r213459 99825837 99825837 30228 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a43885) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 30228) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1795:6) an historical narrative of the german princess containing all material passages, from her first arrivall at graves-end, the 30th of march last past, untill she was discharged from her imprisonment, june the sixth instant. wherein also is mentioned, sundry private matters, between mr. john carlton, and others, and the said princess; not yet published. together with a brief and notable story, of billing the brick-layer, one of her pretended husbands, coming to new-gate, and demanding of the keeper her deliverance, on monday the eighth instant. written by her self, for the satisfaction of the world, at the request of divers persons of honour. carleton, mary, 1642?-1673. 23, [1] p. printed for charles moulton, london : 1663. preface signed: mary carlton. reproduction of the original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng carleton, mary, 1642?-1673 -early works to 1800. rogues and vagabonds -early works to 1800. trials (bigamy) -england -early works to 1800. 2006-06 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2006-07 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2006-09 celeste ng sampled and proofread 2006-09 celeste ng text and markup reviewed and edited 2007-02 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion an historicall narrative of the german princess , containing all material passages , from her first arrivall at graves-end , the 30th of march last past , untill she was discharged from her imprisonment , june the sixth instant . wherein also is mentioned , sundry private matters , between mr. john carlton , and others , and the said princess ; not yet published . together with a brief and notable story , of billing the brick-layer , one of her pretended husbands , coming to new-gate , and demanding of the keeper her deliverance , on monday the eighth instant . written by her self , for the satisfaction of the world , at the request of divers persons of honour . london , printed for charles moulton , 1663. most noble , generous , and vertuous ladies and gentlewomen , i am not ignorant what great advantage the frequent false reports of my actions and demeanours hath given to the dishonour of our sex : let me tell you , i had rather chuse to be dissolved into attoms , then justly to deserve to be the occasion of any such thing . i therefore adventured upon this collection , to evince to the world , the falshood and insufficiency of the designs against me . there is no person of understanding , but may easily discern and conclude as much as i desire for vindication of my self from those things my enemies aspersed me with , or that have lately been upon the stage . he who was first the contriver and promoter of the false suggestions against me , coming to visit me within one hour after the just sentence of not guilty , i told him , if the modesty of my sex would permit me , i would require the comba●e of him to appear in the field . i look'd upon him but as a base detractor : i required his retiring from my presence : he obeyed . his looks represented his guilt . i could mention him , but it 's below me to take notice of him , further then to know him for a villain . but it being the opinion of all philosophers and divines , as well ancient as modern , that detraction is the chief branch of envy , which is nourished by lying , by which people of honest conversation are grievously wounded . — diogenes the cinick being ask'd , what beast bit most deadly ? answered , amongst furious and wild beasts , none like the detractor . — and amongst tame and gentle beasts , none like the soother and flatterer . — themistocles the thebane , upon the same occasion , said , there was no greater pain nor misery in the world , then to behold the honour or credit of an honest or good man or woman to be in the mercy of a venomous tongue , and to be tortured by detracting speeches . a spanish author that i have seen , hath this saying , that all nations do observe it as a law , that a dissolute life in men , is not held to be such a vice as in women : that let a report passe of a woman , true or false , irreparably she lyeth under infamy . therefore i do imagine , that our ancestors were so prudent , that in the instituting of several orders of knights , they had still in charge , that they should defend innocent ladies . and i never read of any knight that undertook a distressed ladies quarrell , but he vanquished and overcame . that example of valentinus barnthius , a native of toledo in spain , in his history , wherein he mentioneth a daughter of one of the kings of england , that was married to the duke of saxony and prince of piedmont , she not yielding to the immodest sollicitation and request of pancalier , whom the duke her husband had left as his lieutenant in his absence , whilest he was busied in the warrs of france ; the count imposed on her , the crime of adultery : for confirmation ( wanting other proof ) he required the combat of any that should gainsay his assertion . the which was accepted by a knight of the noble house of mendoza ; who slew him , notwithstanding many disadvantages of a late sickness , of his long travel , and disproportion of his strength and stature , &c. francis the first of that name , king of france , granted the combat to castaigneray and the lord jarnac ; castaigneray having by words dishonoured a lady , that was by blood allied to jarnac : in the opinion of all persons , castaigneray by reason of his often combats , strength , judgment in arms , and the use of weapons , would be too hard for the lord jarnac ; yet the lord jarnac slew him : the which convinced all the spectators , that the innocency of the lady influenced the sword of jarnac . many other stories of like nature i could instance , but i shall conclude with this : sure there is none will a woman deprave , unless he be a coward or a knave . i do not mention these stories , to reflect upon any of the english gallants , for not taking part in my cause , i at first apprehended i needed it not ; and now do much lesse need it : for that my enemies by their insufficient prosecution , made way for the world to conclude my innocency . but i may in some sort complain of my husband , who wore a sword by his side , and yet could suffer me to be stript of my necessary rayment . but instead of that civil defence , the least of kindnesses he might have afforded me , that had enjoyed all hymen's rites with me so lately before that tragick-part , he encountreth me with a volume of one sheet in quarto , wherein he hath these passages , that i by my parts deluded him . in answer to which , he deluded me by his pretences . reader , thou shalt receive them from his own pen ; in his epistle to the said work , he hath this passage , i shall not give my self the trouble , to recollect and declare the severall motives and inducements that deceitful but wise enough woman used to deceive me with , &c. in page the 4 h he saith , her wit did more and m●re ingage me and charm me : her qualities deprived me of my own : her courteous behaviour , her majestick humility to all persons , her emphaticall speeches , her kind and loving expressions ; and amongst other things her high detestation of all manner of vice , as lying , &c. her great pretence to zeal in her religion ; her modest confidence and grace in all companies , fearing the knowledg of none ; her demeanour was such , that she left no room for suspition , not only in my opinion , but also in others both grave and wise . some other things he insists upon , as his undertaking to tell the story of the management of the business betwixt us ; in which he is so far from doing me justice therein , that he wrongeth me and his own soul by lying . for confutation of which , i refer the reader to the ensuing discourse ; only there is one passage that i am unwilling to let slip , that is in page the 6th , he saith , that my father was in town upon my commitment , and did acknowledg me to be his daughter , and that i had playd many such tricks . it 's strange this father of mine could not be produced at the tryal , if that had been true ; as strange it was , that the jury-man himself ( that was one of the jury upon the tryal of mary mauders ) that they produced , who seemed to be a man of conscience and judgment , could not swear nor say , that i was the mary mauders alias stedman . but i wave all ; and make it my request to all ladies and gentlewomen , seriously to consider the whole ensuing discourse : the which if done , i may rest confident , that there is none but will set a hand to the erecting my reputation to a higher pitch , then from whence my detracting enemies endeavoured to depress it . from my lodging , june 12 , 1663. ladies and gentlewomen , yours in all submissive observance , mary carlton . epimenides the philosopher being asked by the rhodians , what that virtue called truth was , answered , truth is that thing , whereof ( more then all others ) the gods do make profession , and the virtue that illuminateth the heaven and the earth , maintaineth justice , governeth , preserveth , and protecteth a state or kingdom , and cannot indure any wicked thing near it ; also it maketh all doubtful and ambiguous matters clear and apparent . the corinthians also demanded of chilo the philosopher , what truth was ? said , it was a sure gage and standard , to measure all things by it who neither diminisheth at one time , nor increaseth at another : it s a buckler , a shield that can never be pierced : it s an army never danted , a flower that never faileth , a haven that none shall perish in , or suffer peril . the lacedemonians inquisitive after this rare virtue , importuned anaxachus to delineate truth to them ; he drew its portraicture in these fair , lines , viz. truth is a perpetual health and welfare , a life without ending , an unguent that healeth all misfortunes , a sun always shining , that never suffereth by eclipse , a gate never shut , a journey in which none can wax weary : it s a virtue , without which all strength is feebleness , and infirmness it self ; wisdom , folly , and madness : without it , patience is but a counterfeit , and liberty but a prison . augustus caesar , in the triumphs that he made for mark anthony , and cleopatra , brought with him to rome a priest of egypt , aged 60 years , that was famous for not telling a lye in his whole life ; the senate ordered his statue to be erected , and himself to be high-priest . in the time of the emperour claudius , there dyed at rome one pamphilus , that was upon good ground suspected never to have told truth all the days of his life ; he , by the emperour's order , was denyed buriall , his house to be razed , his goods confiscate , in detestation of so venomous a beast , who was so suspected , that when by accident he did speak truth , the hearers suspected their own knowledge . i am not to insist upon this theam ; but truth is an amiable and delightful thing ; it hath been no less my deliverer , then it was my sanctuary ; its precepts will i observe in this ensuing discourse , that as to matter of fact i will have due regard , that time nor envy shall have no advantage against me , to detect me in any particular or material circumstance : my ambition never tempted me to write a history of my life , but my necessity hath constrained me to give you a history of part of my life ; that is to say , from the first time of my l●st coming into england ; for that the world yet never had an exact account of what passed between me , and mr. john carleton , now my husband by the law of england , unto which we are both subjects . i having been at colen , the place of my nativity , from thence for dispatch of some affairs of mine , i went to vtrick , from thence to the brill , where i took shipping in a small vessel bound for england , and landed at graves-end the 30th of march last past , in the evening , and came in the tilt-boat from thence to london , betimes the next morning : in the company that were passengers , there was one a parson , for so his habit did be speak him , who offered me the civility of a glass of wine ; but it being so early , we passed several taverns , and could not procure admittance , from billings-gate , until we came to the exchange-tavern against the stocks , kept by one mr. king ; the door being open , and mr. king in the bar counting of brass farthings , the parson askt him , if we might have a pint of wine ; mr. king replyed , that we might : a pint of rhenish wine , and a pint of sack was c●lled for ; and during the drinking of it , the parson offering to kiss me , i refused : mr. king perceiving that i did not much like the parsons company , came in , and entertained me in discourse ; askt me , if i was a stranger ; i told him , yes , i came from colen in germany ; and mr. king said , since it was so early , that i could not go with conveniency to seek a lodging , if i pleased to repose my self for a time , his house was free ; that although it was a publike house , yet he had not overmuch to do in it , i might be assured , it was a civil house , and that he had a kindness and a pity for strangers ; and moreover added , to his courteous discourse , his care of me , saying , that if i had a charge , i should have a care , for the town was full of wickedness , and that i might have some trick put upon me . i thankt him , and told him , that i had a charge ; that i was so much a stranger , that i had no where to go unto that i knew of at present ; but where e're i went , i had wherewith to defray my charges . mr. king said , his house should be at my service . i answered him , that i lookt upon him as a civill person . i took my leave of the parson , and upon mr. kings invitation , went to my chamber , parcel of his house that he had alotted me for my appartment : returning mr. king many thanks for his civility , i took my leave of him also : he told me , that his wife should wait upon me when i rose . let the world judge , if it be probable that i could design any thing to insnare mr. carleton , when at my accidental coming into that house , nothing could be more remote from my thoughts or apprehension , then he was ; or then that which hapned afterwards . by what i shall further say , i doubt not but to undeceive the world , and demonstrate , that they designed against me : and whether i have that estate they dreamt of , it is not material ; i am not much to be blamed , if i have it , and conceal it , since they have pursued me in that envious sort , of which the world is witness . well , when i rose about 11 of the clock , mistris king , the mistriss of the house , attended me ; i was furnished with all respect with what i askt for , or what was necessary : after which , i applyed my self to writing of my letters , sent them away by the post beyond the seas , wherein i gave instructions , for the managing of those affairs that concerned me . wednesday the first of april , mrs. king made a great feast , where were divers persons of quality , as she said , amongst the rest , her brother mr. john carleton . at this entertainment , mrs. king did advise me to call her cozen , the which i did . thursday the 2d of april , mr. john carlton came in his coach , with two foot-men attending of him , calling him my lord , and mistriss king did also call him my lord. with that i askt mrs. king , if it was not the same person that din'd with us yesterday ; she said , true , it was so , but he was in a disguize then , and withall , that in a humour he would often do so : but , saith she , i do assure you he is a lord. upon that i replyed , then his father must be an earl , if living . she affirmed , that he was a person of great honour . the same time my lord presented me with a rich box of sweet-meats : i could do no less then thankfully accept thereof . my lord came every day afterwards to mr. kings , and by his importunity would carry me abroad in a coach to holyway and islington . mrs. king would often ask me , what my lord did say to me ; i told her , nothing that i observed , but his lordship abounded in civility-mixt with complements . how , said she , madam , he loves you . loves me , for what mistriss king , i replyed . she said , for your great parts and endowments . i asked her , how my lord could tell that i had either . she said , my lord could see within me . i answered , that my lord must have very good eyes , if he could see within me , or else i must be very transparant . after which , i did order the matter so , that his access to me was not so easie : mistriss king importuneth me to admit my lord to visit me ; i told her plainly , that i did not understand his lordships meaning . he provided me a great banquet , at which his lordships mother was very fine drest , who questioned what i was . i told my lord , that i had received civilities from him , and he had the like from me , and that i had no necessity to give any account to any person what i was , for any thing that i intended ; and that if any design or affair of his required any such thing out of conveniencie or otherwise , he might forbear it . his lordship excused his mothers inquisitions , by saying , she was his mother , and that parents did think themselves concerned , in looking after the good of their children . but ( said he ) madam , wave all this , however i will marry you to morrow . what ( said i ) my lord , without my consent : my lord , i desire your lordship not to come near me any more , i will not lye under such questioning and scrutinie : your lordship will be safe in following my advice , in not coming at me at any more . upon this his lordship wept bitterly ; i with-drew my self from his presence : he writ a letter of high complements to me ( the which letter perished in the storming and taking of my out-works , by the forces of mr. george carleton , my husbands father : ) . at the same time i had a gown making upon my own account by mistriss kings taylor in the strand , i took a coach and went thither ; all this while the young lord , not knowing where i was , remained impatient untill my return , where i found him standing at the bar ( not the bar his lordship was afterwards pleased to be one of the instruments to make me stand at ) at the exchange-tavern , and suddainly claspt about my middle , and violently carryed me to my chamber . i asked his meaning : he answered , that i had forbid him my presence ; that it had almost made him mad ; that he desired nothing more of me , then but to let him look upon me . upon that he did , with a very strange jesture , fix his eyes upon me : in compassion to him , i askt him what his lordship meant , and intended ; he replied in a kind of discomposed manner , i would have you to be my wife . i answered him , my lord , i rather think you have courted me for a mistris then for a wife : i assure you , that i will never be a mistris to the greatest of princes , i will rather chuse to be a wife to the meanest of men . upon which , he uttered divers asseverations in confirmation of the reality of his intentions , and earnest desire of the honour in making me his wife , without any respect to what i had . the next day being saturday easter eve , the taylor brought me my gown to my lodging , i being drest and adorned with my jewels , he again renewed his sute to me , with all importunity imaginable ; and a little before that time , having intercepted my letters , and understanding how my estate did lie , he and all his friends renewed their sute to me , to give my consent to marry the young lord : his courteous mother is now most forward , pressing me to consent , by telling me , that she should lose h●r son , and he his wits , he being already impatient with denyals and delayes , adding withall , that he was a person hopeful , and might deserve my condiscention : i withstood all their sollicitation , although they continued it untill 12. of the clock that night : the young lord at his taking his leave of me , told me he would attend me betimes the next morning , and carry me to st. pauls church , to hear the organs , saying , that there would be very excellent anthemes performed by rare voyces , during which time , young captain sakvell who they had made privy to their undertaking , out of some discontent ; threatned to discover the whole business , but he was promised 200l . to be silent , and plied closely with sack , that he was dead drunk that night : the morrow being saturday , the 19th of april last , in the morning betimes , the young lord cometh to my chamber-door , desiring admittance , which i refused , in regard i was not ready : yet so soon as my head was dressed , i let him have access he hastned me , and told me his coach was at the door , he carrieth me to his mothers in the gray-fryers london , where i was assaulted by the young lords teares , and others , to give my consent to marry him , telling me that they had a parson and a license ready : so i being amazedly importuned thereunto , did then and not before , give an amazed consent : to the church of great st. bartholomews we are carried , married by one mr. smith , from thence we travelled to barnet , that it might not be known at court , that he had married a forraign princess : he lyeth with me sunday and monday right , we return to st. bartholomews again , and were there married again the second time with a license , ( they having before falsly pretended a license ) that there might be no defect or flaw in the marriage . on friday following , being the 24. of april , lodgings are taken for my lord and my self in durham yard , and much state and grandeur is used for the credit of his lordship . the next friday following , being may day , his lordship with great state carrieth me into hide-park where i was accommodated by the courteous respect of divers persons of quality , with great rarities . my husband by this time , publickly owned the title of lord , by the which title privately , he carried on his design upon me , he being one day in company with some of his old acquaintance , hearing him boast of the fortune he had matched , they told him , that they might possibly commit an errour , in calling him mr. carlton , and that they should readily give him his due , by what title soever was proper to him , and that they knew not better how to be instructed then from himself , who they thought would be least guilty of flattery in that case . why truly , said he , my princess calleth me lord : upon that , he took upon him the acceptation of the title , publickly as well as privately . the first time he came to me , he pretended to be a lord , the which title he could not well-maintain , as the case stood , unless he made me a princess : now let but the world judge how divilishly i had been cheated , if i had been a princess , i had no reason to undeceive them in their wilful mistakes , when i saw by their practises , how much i was deceived , and disappointed ; for now by this time , m●s. king calleth me sister , and i come to understand that his lordship was a young clark , his father finding that his lordships concealed honour had taken aire , addresseth himself to me , least i might take dislike thereat , in finding my self so palpably deceived ; and by all meanes i must make over my estate unto my husband , saying unto me , daughter , you will do well to settle your estate upon my son , itwill satisfie the world , and redownd to your honour . i told him i saw my self deceived , and that although i could not keep my affections from him , i would keep my estate untill that i did die : i cannot but make a stop here , when i remember how violently they lately did prosecute me , without all peradventure this saying of mine animated them to seek my life so vigorously . this was the cause of my first breach with them , and the cause of my troubles that did immediately insue . in one or two dayes , the scene alters , and a letter from dover is contrived , to be a discovery of me ; for an accouut of which , i refer you to my speech in my tryall , for vindication of my self in that particular . my husband 's father cometh to my lodging in durham yard , with mris. clark , and my husband and others , called me cheat and harlot , violently stript me of all my apparell and jewells , pulled off my silk stockings from my leggs , cut the lace of my bodies , and scarce left me any thing to cover my nakedness with ; hurried me before a justice , where the father and the son are bound to prosecute me for having of two husbands ; they prefs me to confess the truth ; i did insist upon no other justification then my innocency : the which at last was my security and refuge , against their malitious and unnatural dealing with me . but i can do no less then say , that my husband did nothing but with reluctancy , and was prest thereunto by his friends . notwithstanding all which , i was committed prisoner to the gate-house , westminster , without one penny of money , or any manner of relief ; but my husband came thither to visit me , and charged the keeper i should want nothing , so far as 40 l. went , he would see paid ; and afterward on the 11th of may , sent me this letter , the copy of which i here insert verbatim ; the which i have now by me , and shall keep it as a relict . my dearest heart , although the manner of your usage may very well call the sincerity of my affection and expressions to you in question ; yet when i consider , that you are not ignorant of the compulsion of my father , and the animosity of my whole relations both against you and my self for your sake , i am very confident your goodness will pardon and passe by those things which at present i am no way able to help : and be you confident , that notwithstanding my friends aversion , there shall be nothing within the reach of my power shall be wanting , that may conduce both to your liberty , maintenance , and vindication . i shall very speedily be in a condition to furnish you with money , to supply you according to your desire . i hope mr. bayly will be very civill to you ; and let him be assured , he shall in a most exact measure be satisfied , and have a requital for his obligation . my dearest , alwayes praying for our happy meeting , i rest , your most affectionate husband , john carlton . may the 11th . 1663. at the same time , his brother george came and drank a health to my confusion , fell down dead drunk , and afterwards said , that ● had poysoned him . other of my husband's friends came to visit me in the gate-house , ( of the many hundreds of others , i shall say nothing ) one of them said , madam , i am one of your husbands friends and acquaintance , i had a desire to see you , because i have heard of your breeding . alas , said i , i have left that in the city amongst my kindred , because they w●nt it . another in his discourse delivered as an aphorism , that marriage and hanging went by destiny . i told him , i had received from the destinies marriage ; and he in probability might hanging . to wave many others of the like nature . on the 3d of june , 1663. i am by order brought to the sessions in the old bayly . the court being sate , a bill of indictment was drawn up against me by the name of mary moders , alias stedman , for having two husbands now alive , viz. thomas stedman and john carlton . the grand jury found the bill , and was to the effect following : viz. that she the said mary moders late of london , spinster , otherwise mary stedman , the wife of tho. stedman late of the city of canterbury in the county of kent shooemaker , 12 may , in the sixth reign of his now majesty , at the parish of st. mildreds in the city of canterbury , in the county aforesaid , did take to husband the aforesaid thomas stedman , and him the said thomas stedman then and there had to husband . and that she the said mary moders , alias stedman , 21 april , in the 15th year of his said majesties reign , at london , in the parish of great st. bartholomews , in the ward of farringdon without , feloniously did take to husband one john carlton , and to him was married , the said thomas stedman her former husband then being alive , and in full life : against the form of the stautute in that case provided , and against the peace of our said soveraign lord the king , his crown and dignity , &c. afterwards i was called to the barr ; and appearing , was commanded to hold up my hand : which accordingly i did ; and my indictment was read to me as followeth : clerk of the peace . mary moders , alias stedman , thou standest indicted in london by the name of mary moders late of london spinster , otherwise mary stedman , the wife of , &c. and here the indictment was read as above : how sayst thou , art thou guilty of the felony whereof thou standest indicted , or not guilty ? nor guilty , my lord. clerk of the peace . how wilt thou be tryed ? i said , by god and the country . clerk of the peace . god send thee a good deliverance . aud afterwards i being set to the barr in order to my tryal , i prayed time till the morrow for my tryal : which was granted , and all persons concerned were ordered to attend at nine of the clock in the forenoon . i was sent to new-gate , and in the evening my husband came to the place i was lodged at , and desired admittance . after i was acquainted with it , i desired he should be admitted to my presence . upon his entring the room he said , how do you do , madam ? i thank you , my lord , as well as ever i was in my life , never better . i pity you , madam . i scom your pity , my lord , i have too large a soul. but ( said he ) i come to take my leave of you for ever ; you have not long to stay here , i am sorry for you . why , ( said i ) my lord , have you numbred my dayes ? my propitious stars a better sort of influence then you imagine them to have . well ( said he ) i shall pray for you , madam . i said , my lord , why , are you righteous ? the prayers of the wicked are not effectuall . upon that , he stept backward to be gone . i stept forwards to him , and said , nay , ( my lord ) 't is not amiss , before we part , to take a kiss . why , said he , will you kiss me ? i told him , yes : and did so . a person of honour desired him to stay and take a glass of sack ; he said , no. i replyed , i am sorry your lordships breeding is so poor , it will not give you leave to be civill . on thursday the 4th of june , at 9. of the clock in the morning , i was brought by my keeper to the barr , and silence being made , the jury was sworn , and the witnesses were called , viz. james knott , sarah williams , mr. george carlton the elder . the court with great patience staid the p●osecution above an hour and a half , in regard mr. george carlton alledged he was not ready with his witnesses . after which , the court proceeded , and acquainted mr. carlton , that they were not bound to stay so long as they had already ; but he was bound to be provided to prosecute . the indictment was read , which was to this effect ; that i had at several times married several persons that were now living ; that i had married in st. meldreds parish in canterbury some years last past , one thomas stedman , a shoe-maker now living ; and that in april last past i had feloniously married one john carlton , against the statute in that case made and provided . james knott was sworn , and said , that i was married in the place aforesaid , unto one thomas stedman , who is now alive , and would have come up , if he had had money to have born his charges ; and that he gave me in marriage : that i was born at canterbury , and that my father in law his name was richard foord . he being asked , if he knew my own father and mother ; he said , no. and further said , that it was about a week or a fortnight before the act for marriages by justices of the peace was put in execution . the lord chief justice ask't knott , what were the words used in the marriage ? he answered , that he was so young , that he could not remember that . william clark sworn , said , that there was an indictment against me at dover , for marrying of one day , after stedman , and that i was prosecuted by stedman , of which i was cleared . mr. george carlton the elder being sworn , gave in evidence , that he saw my husband at dover . being asked , whether he knew him to be her husband ? he answered , that he could not swear it . james knott gave further evidence , that i had two children by stedman . mr. george carlton the elder being askt , if he had any thing further to say , acquainted the court , that he had searcht the register-book of the parish church of st. meldreds , canterbury , but could not find any such marriage registred . and further said , that the present parson of the parish did tell him , that the clerk of the said place was often guilty of neglect in that kind . mr. george carlton the younger being sworn , said , that i was married unto his brother , john carlton , in april last , in great st. bartholomews . mr. smith , the parson that married me there , gave in evidence , that he married mr. john carlton and my self , in april last , by the book of common-prayer , and had a licence produced to him for his warrant ; i craving leave to speak , said , i acknowledged that i was married to mr. carlton , at the time , and in the manner as is before expressed ; therefore they might save themselves the labour , and the honourable bench the trouble of further proof in that case . mr. george carlton the elder being askt , if he had any other evidence to offer , answered , that he had more witnesses to prove my being marryed to other persons . the bench replyed , that there could be nothing given in evidence that was not contained in the indictment . the court askt knot , who were with him besides at the wedding he mentioned in his evidence ; he said , that there was mr. man , the parson that marryed us , the sexton , my sister , and himself that gave me . some of the jury desired the court to ask knot , how old he was now : he answered , that he was one or two and thirty years of age. mr. carlton being askt , if he had any more witnesses , answered , no. i standing all this while at the bar , not once interrupting or disturbing the evidence of the other side , the court calling upon me to make my defence , i without any disturbed thought , or unquiet mind , did in a deliberate composed manner , address my self to the bench in this sort : my lord , in the first place , i do with all due respect and submission , humbly beseech your lordship , and this honourable bench , not to impute any thing that i shall say to confidence , but rather to the necessity that lyeth upon me , to make my defence for my life . a thing that will sufficiently oblige any to make the best defence they can : but that doth not weight so much with me , as that which is every whit as dear to me as my life . my lord , it is my reputation and my innocency , that incourageth me to speak before your lordship at this time , and it is that which produceth confidence in me , that as i am innocent of the thing urged upon me by them , the justice and reason of you before whom i stand , by the which i hope to be acquitted and rendred to the world what i am , not what my prosecutors would have the world to believe me to be . my lord , i shall not trouble you with any thing impertinent , nor with any things that related to these affaires more then needs i must : when his son my husband , came and addressed himself to me , pretending himself a person of honour and upon first sight pressed me to marriage : i told him , sir , said i i am a stranger , have no acquaintance here , and desire you to desist your suit ; i could not speak my mind , but he ( having borrowed some thredbare complements ) replyed , madam , your seeming virtues , your amiable person , and noble department , renders you so excellent , that were i in the least interested in you , i cannot doubt of happiness ; and so with many words to the like purpose , courted me . i told him , and indeed could not but much wonder , that at so small a glance he could be so presumptuous with a stranger , to hint this to me ; but all i could say , would not beat him off . therefore my lord. i do humbly acquaint your lordship that old mr. carlton did rather design upon me , then i upon him , to say nothing of what passed before i was married to his son , of which there was enough to demonstrate that evidently , so soon as i was married to his son , he desired me to make over my estate to his son , to satisfie the world , that was somewhat amused , and in doubt of what is seems they had spread abroad for their own reputation : i answered him , sir , i shall not dis-invest my self of my estate , untill i did . mr. carlton intercepted my letters , by that understood how my estate did lie , that he had that expectation of what i had , is farther evident ; for his son came to me , pretending to be a person of honour and great quality , and the better to accomodate himself in his application to me , he borrowed his brother georges cloak , it is the same he hath on his back in court before your lordship ; and if any be deceived , i am . my lord , if that they could but have been insured that i had been the person as to estate , that they imagined me to be , your lordship should not have been troubled at this time , in these matters , if i understand them aright , they would have been contented to have practised concealment , in case i had had more then one husband . instead of this defamation that i am loaded with , my lord , my crime is , that i have not an estate , or at least such a one as they imagined it to be ; therefore my lord , i say , i am brought at this time to this place ; and therefore , my lord , were my jewels seized to defray the charge of their expensive courting of me . to colour what they have done , they fix the offences of some woman of canterbury , a person that may be dead , or gone out of the land for ought i know , upon me : the place i know not , a place that i am a stranger unto ; if that had not bin so , they have had time enough since my first commitment to have produced more evidence then any that hath as yet been urged before your lordship : my lord , they brand me for marrying of a shoo-make , and another sad piece of mortality , a brick-layer . my lord , my soul abhorreth such a thought , and never was accommodated with such condiscention , to move in so low an o●b . my lord , by all that i can observe of the persons that appear against me , they may be divided into two sorts ; the one of them come against me for want of wit , the other for want of mony. that mony hath been proffered to subborn some against me , i have witness to prove . my lord , these people have been up and down the country , and finding none there that could justifie any thing of this matter , they get here an unknown fellow , unless in a prison , and from thence borrowed , you cannot but all judg to swear against me . my lord , were there any such marriage as this fellow pretends , methinks there might be a certificate from the minister , or place : certainly if married , it must be registred ; but there is no registry of it , and so can be no certificate , no minister nor clerk to be found : and if i should own a marriage , then you see that great witness cannot tell you , whether i was lawfully married , or how ? but it is enough for him ( if such a paultry fellow may be believed ) to say , i was married . i was never yet married to any but john carlton , the late pretended lord : but these persons have sought alwayes to take away my life , bringing persons to swear against me . my lord , when old mr. carlton saw that he could not obtain his end of me , he threatned me with a justice , and a prison ; and the justice bound him over to prosecute me ; he must make the best of it , and therefore it is no wonder that he repaireth to such means and instruments to effect my ruine . my lord , i desire that my witnesses may be called . elizabeth collier said , that she coming to the gate-house to see her husband , being a prisoner there for debt , one pretended that he came to see his wife there , named mary maullers . upon that , she took upon her to personate the said person he asked for : he said , i , 't is true , thou art that unhappy woman that i married . the which person she never saw before in her life . mr. ed. bayly , deputy-keeper of the gate-house , saith , that he hath heard 40 people , at the least , of canterbury , ancient livers and inhabitants there , say , that they never knew , nor did ever see me , before they came to see me in the gate-house , upon the fame that was spread abroad of my being born at canterbury , and having acted such a part at canterbury . the lord chief justice was pleased to ask me , where i was born ? i answered , in germany . he ask'd me , where ? i said , at colen . mr. clark was askt by the court , whether he could prove , or swear , that i was the mary mauders that was tryed at dover ? he answered , that he could not , neither prove it , nor swear it himself ; for he was a stranger to the whole business . i perceiving the sleight evidence , and that i needed not either to say more , or offer more evidence in my behalf , submitted my cause to the bench and jury . upon my being askt by the bench , if i had more to say ; i replyed , no. the court gave instructions to the jury as followeth : first , the indictment was briefly recited . and as to the evidence , the court observed , that there was but one witness to prove the indictment , and that he could not remember the manner of marriage , nor the words used there . and if that i had been married , and had two children , and that the jury should believe that single evidence , and that he had sworn aright , i was to dye . the judge told the jury , that they had heard of a tryall against me , for having had two husbands before , one stedman , and day , at one time , and that from a jury-man that was upon the jury at the same tryall ; yet he could not swear , that i was the woman . the jury went forth , and continued absent a quarter of an hour : upon their return , and silence being made , the jury being called over , they were askt as the custom is , who should say for them ? they answered , the fore-man . the court askt , whether they found the prisoner guilty , or not guilty ? the fore-man answered , not guilty . upon which , there was a great shout of the people . after silence being made , i moved the court , that they would order the restoration of my jewels . they answered , that i had owned mr. carlton for her husband , he must sue for them , if old mr. carlton shall deny the delivery of them . when the jury was returning with their verdict , my husband in the garden , met them ; he askt one of them , if they had found me guilty ? he in answer to his question , said , no , my lord , we shall leave you to make much of your princess . he replyed , by god , i am undone , i will never own her . their envy against me rested not here , they preferred severall other bills the same afternoon ; and endeavoured as much the next day : but the grand jury perceiving it to be rather upon malice , then upon any just ground that they had so to do , flung them our . during my stay at new gate after the tryal a kinsman of my lords came to visit me , said , madam , i think you are with child . i answered him , that if i were , it would be a young clerk he would be born with a pen and ink in his hand and a bond about his neck . saturday he 6th of june , i was discharged from my restraint ; since which , i shall acquaint the world with what hath hapned to my vindica●ion : it was one of my pretended husbands , by whom a bill was prefer ed ( but not found , as i said before ) by billing the brick-layer . upon whusun-monday , the 8th of june instant , the said billing came to new-gate , demanded of the keepers to deliver his wife to him : the turn-key , and other subordinate officers of the goal , told him , they had none of his wife ; he insisted upon it , and with-stood all deni●l , mentioned my name , and the particulars of my tryal : the keepers remembring there was a former mistake of the same person , given in evidence on my behalf at the tryal , called one grizel hudson a convict , a pretty woman , and in good habit ; the turn-key a ked billing , whether this was his wife ? billing replyed , yes ; and askt her , why she did not come to him upon his first sending for her ? she told him , that the keepers would not permit her to stir out of the prison , in regard her fees were not paid . billing said , he would pay the fees ; and whispered her in the ear , saying , that they had a mind to hang her ( meaning the carltons ) but he would not prosecute her : true it was , he had put in an indictment against her , but he could not help that . well moll , said he to her , have ye all your things ? she said , yes . but , said he , moll , why do you stay here amongst such wicked company , rogues and whores , i see their irons about their legs . why , said she , i have left some li 〈…〉 ingaged in the cellar . to the cellar the keeper carryed them both ; and there billing left a note under his hand , to pay five shillings to the tapster : which note he hath to produce , to satisfie any that shall make further enquiry in this particular . he further said , that she had cheated him of fourty pounds , and that he would pawn the lease of his house , rather then she should want money , although she was a wicked rogue , if she would but live with him : she promised she would . he told her he would give her a sky-colour'd silk petticoat , and wastcoat , and a podesway gown , new holland for smocks , and all other things necessary . billing turning himself to the company the●e present , said merrily , that she had cost him much bef●re when he marryed her , but he never lay with her , but he had kist her , and f●l● her a hundred times . billing askt her again , if she would leave these wicked rogues , and go long with him . she said , she had another debt to pay : he askt what it was ; she said , twenty pounds to such a one , a stranger then present , unto which person he gave a note to pay 20l. in one moneth after the date thereof : ( it's mo●e then probable he will be made so to do . ) he further said to her , that now it will trouble me to pay all this money , and then you to run away from me in a short time . withall , said he , moll , you need not , for i have a better estate them the young man that tryed you for your life . so gave the particulars of his estate , what in money , houses , leases , and land. he added moreover , that he did love her out of measure , notwithstanding she had done him other mischief , then what he had before-mentioned . she ask him , wh●t they were ? he said , she had stollen from his daughter a knife and a wrought sheath , a handkercher , and a seal'd ring . with that , the standers by told him , that he was mistaken , that this grizell hudson was not the person : he swote it was , and that he knew her well enough ; that he saw her in the gate-house , and that she knew what passed between us there : but , said he , moll , thou art a cunning rogue , i desire nothing of thee but to be honest , and live with me ; the which she promised , and he parted with great content thereupon . reader , take the whole , and view it well ; i leave it to thy ingeruity , whether from the tryal it self , and other circumst●nces , there be not enough to clear one , in thy judgment . i have omitted cloathing of it in polite language , in regard i was confined to render it in those proper terms and words , that every accident carryed along with it self , without adding or diminishing . finis . an encomiastick poem upon the german princess . fames trump sounds forth the amazons renown , whose worthy feats have kingdoms ovethrown ; the triumphs of their sex may win the bayes from masculine fortunes more unworthy praise . some are for valour , some for learning prais'd , beauty and piercing wit have others rais'd . man's highest honours can't pretend to claim what is not justly due to womans name . and yet all histories defective are , and have not nam'd a female half so rare , as this our princess ; whose wit so refin'd , made frustrate what her en'mies had design'd ; deceiving her deceivers , cast them all into the pit they digged for her fall . no more shall cleopatra boast her . parts , which won great antony's and caesar's hearts ; though with one passion she did both enflame , in all estates her self being still the same . to vainer purpose did thalestris come from distant regions to procure a son of alexander : 't was not ( i greatly fear ) courage or wit 's effect , but hot desire . this forreign princess such perfections brought into our english world , as lessons taught most proper ; for our age declining still from bad to worse , goes on to what 's most ill : our ancestors renowned vertues priz'd , but we all reall honours have despis'd : how well doth she our dulled souls revive , and good examples to the great ones give , to brave and noble vertues to aspire , and make the under-duller world admire . thus , though disguis'd , her most illustrious worth through all impediments of hate brake forth , which her detractors sought within a prison t' eclipse , whereby her fame 's the higher risen . as jems i' th' dark do cast a brighter ray , then when obstructed by the rival-day ; so did the lustre of her mind appear , through this obscure condition , more clear . and when they thought by bringing to the barr to gain her publicke shame , they rais'd her far more noble trophees , she being clearly quit both by her innocence and exc'lent wit. finis . the discovery of a london monster, called, the blacke dogg of new-gate profitable for all readers to take heed by. blacke dogge of newgate hutton, luke, d. 1596. 1638 approx. 78 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 23 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2005-03 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a03924 stc 14031 estc s104334 99840072 99840072 4543 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a03924) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 4543) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1475-1640 ; 1177:13) the discovery of a london monster, called, the blacke dogg of new-gate profitable for all readers to take heed by. blacke dogge of newgate hutton, luke, d. 1596. rowlands, samuel, 1570?-1630? [44] p. by m[armaduke] p[arsons] for robert wilson, at his shop at grayes-inne gate in holborne, printed at london : 1638. in verse. originally published in 1596 as "the blacke dogge of newgate". this edition is rearranged with additions attributed to samuel rowlands--stc. with a title-page woodcut. printer's name from stc. signatures: a-f⁴ (-a1, f4). running title reads: the blacke dog of new-gate. reproduction of the original in the henry e. huntington library and art gallery. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets 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creation partnership web site . eng rogues and vagabonds -england -london -poetry -early works to 1800. 2004-07 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2004-07 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-11 emma (leeson) huber sampled and proofread 2004-11 emma (leeson) huber text and markup reviewed and edited 2005-01 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the discovery of a london monster , called , the blacke dogg of new-gate ; profitable for all readers to take heed by . vide , lege , cave . time bringeth all things to light . printed at london by m. p. for robert wilson , at his shop at grayes-inne gate in holborne . 1638. to the reader . marvell not gentle reader , though in a mad humour , i haue thus published the blacke dogge of newgate , and here shewne his trickes to the wide world to wonder at ; he is but a curre indeed , not worth three halfe pence to be sold , but if you will accept of my pen and paper , it may countervaile the charge of sixe pence ; it is no better then an ill favoured blacke dogge , yet i desire you not to thinke your time ill bestowed in the reading , nor the price too great which you pay for it . when you have perusde it , and like it not , reward not my good will with a scoffe : but say the dogge came from newgate , hang him up and rend the booke in peeces , and then i will be your debter in a work of more worth , but let me tell you by the way , this dog , with many doggs of his kinde , have i knowne a great while , and have received by them great wrong : otherwise had i not bestowed so much time in deciphering a cur ; nay more , let me give you to understand , that this dog , thus shadowed under the name of a servant at new-gate , was in my sight , by head and shoulders thrust out of newgate : and now men chosen instead of dogs of far more pitie and honestie , than that hell-hound ever had . therefore let me thus conclude , that never cur in shape of man , in that place , shall commit the like abuses . no more for the dog of newgate : but for this dog of mine , wish me well , and i will never doe you ill : rest content , and i am well pleased . fare you well . the discovery of a london monster , called , the blacke dogge of new-gate . awonder , a wonder gentlemen , hels brooke loose , and the blacke dogge of newgate is got out of prison , and leapt into a signe : what the devils here ( quoth a mad fellow going by ) seeing the black curre ring'd about the nose with a golden hoope , his two sawcer-like eyes , and an iron chains about his necke ; this cannot choose ( said he ) but be a well customed house , where such a porter keeps the doore , and cals in company . roome for a customer , quoth i , so in i went , where i found english , scottish , welsh , irish , dutch and french , in severall roomes ; some drinking the neat wine of drleance , some the gascony , some the burdeaux , there wanted neither sherry sack , nor charnico , maligo , nor peeter seeme , ambercolour'd candy , nor liquorish ipocras , brown beloved basterd , fat aligant , or any quicke spirited liquor that might draw their witts into a circle , to see the devill by in●nagination : i seeing this gallimaufry of company , set me downe , and called for my whole pinte alone , which i had not halfe drunk vp , but there sits downe by me a poore thin-gut fellow , with a face as red as the gilded knobs of an aldermans horse-bridle , one , as it seemed , newly come out of limbo , with commendation to his rugged devilship , mounsieur shagg , the blacke dogge of newgate , who being a fellow , as i thought , not worth sixe pence in money , yet would he spend eight pence to keepe me company . i , to equall his expences , called for as much , and thereupon having both our wits set vpon the racke of invention , beganne to argue of the blacke doggs beginning , and how he came first to be called the blacke dog of newgate : now touching the same , i maintained that i had read an old chronicle , that it was a walking spirit in the likenesse of a blacke dog , gliding vp and downe the streets a little before the time of execution , and in the night whilst the sessions continued , and his beginning thus . in the raigne of king henry the third there hapned such a famine through england , but especially in london , that many starved for want of food , by which meanes the prisoners in newgate eat vp one another altue , but commonly those that came newly in , and such as could make but small resistance . amongst many others cast into this denne of misery , there was a certaine scholler brought thither , vpon suspition of conjuring , and that he by charmes and devilish whithcrafts , had done much hurt to the kings subjects , which scholler , mauger his devils furies , sprits and goblins , was by the famished prisoners eaten vp , and deemed passing good meate . this being done , such an idle conceit possessed the mindes of the poore prisoners , that they supposed , nightly to see the scholler in the shape of a black dog walking vp and downe the prison , ready with his rabening iawes to teare out their bowels : for his late humane flesh they had so hungerly eaten , & withall they hourely heard ( as they thought ) strange groanes and cries , as if it had beene some creature in great paine and torments ; whereupon such a nightly feare grew amongst them , that i● turned to a frenzie , and from a frenzie to desperation ; in which desperation they killed the keeper , and so many of them escaped forth , but yet whither soever they came or went they imagined the blacke dog to follow , and by this means , as i doe thinke , the name of him began . not so , quoth signior thin-gut , i thinke it rather an idle fiction , then a probable truth ; but this i must tell you sir , ( said he ) i know it for a truth , that there is no other blacke dog , that i ever saw or heard of , but a great blacke stone standing in the dungeon called limbo , the place where the condemned prisoners be put after their iudgement , vpon which they set a burning candle in the night , against which , i haue heard that a desperate condemned prisoner d●shed out his braines ; and that is all the blacke dogs that i know , or heard of : but if you be so pleased as to publish it , i will satisfie the wondring world with a discourse of the blacke dog in the best manner i can , and the very same , that the wisest judgements thinkes it to be . in so doing ( quoth i ) you please god , benefit your country , and satisfie your ●riends : so with a stayed looke and in sober manner , he began as followeth . sir ( quoth he ) the blacke dog is a black conscience , haun●ing none but blacke conditioned people , such as newgate may ch●llenge to be guests ; yet this rugged curre hath his sev●rall abidings ; as in the bosoms of traytors , murtherers , theeues , cut-purses , cunny-catchers , and such like , who being the devils blacke parator summons them , one after another , to appeare personaily at his hempton-hall of his three-l●g'd-tiborne , but in the meane time they commit many notable fellonies and cozonings , to the great hurt of plaine minded people : as for example , i will first begin with a woman theefe , which in my minde is a limb of the devill , for at any not able robbery , where still a woman is an actor , there likely is committed some murther or other , for as they be the kindest in loue , so are they cruellest in hate : but now ●o one woman theefe . i once knew living about london , a lusty w●nch , gentlewoman-like , cloathed in silke and tasf●ty , ●ood plate and rich furniture about her house , and well esteemed of her neighbours , that had no other meanes to maintaine her estate but plaine theeverie : in what manner thinke you ? mar● in this kind : she had for her p●rpos● a homely sute of apparel , like unto a trads●mans w●fe , a pa●re of shoo●s with cloth soles to prevent crackling , a fire-sticke in her hand vnkindled , and so in the morning b●time would she along the str●etes , and any where she did chance to espy either gentlemans or merchants doore open , in shee would , where being not intercepted by any , what thing soever lay in her way was good purchase , and with her it should : as hat , cloake , gowne , petticoate , or smock , or such like . but if it chanced that either maid-servant , or an apprentice , or any other met her , then would she desire to kindle her sticke , where sitting by the fire shee would spend away the time hovering over it , till the coast were cleare , or else would she in needy sort request a cup of small beere , which the honest minded maid will fetch her , thinking her to be some poore neighbour , perchance in a silver beaker , which she like an hipocrite will sip , and simper over so long till the maids back be turned , and then goes away beaker and all : she will sometimes in her cloth shooes tread so softly that a mouse cannot heare her , and venture vp into a knights chamber , he and his lady being in bed together , and carry away the jewels they wore the day before , but if being spi●d by any of the houshold , she hath the name of one gentleman or other aright , which is well acquainted in that house , and so escapeth vnsuspected : other times she will venture into mercers or silkemens shops , when they arebusied with most customers , as though she were some waitingmayde to a lady or gentle woman there present , and with a hook vnder her wearing apparell will , like a cunning porter , beare away either silke , uelvet , or other rich stuffes , not perceived by the shop-keepers , or any customer , many such conveiances is she crast-master in , which in my minde are the blacke d●●des of iniquity , and well may she be called one of the blacke dogs of new-gate , for at last , the rewards of new-gate will fall to her share . i could tell you likewise where the blacke dog keepes his randevous , if i do not mistake , in the bosomes of chamberlaines and tapsters in great inns : and though the master be an honest man , the servants may bee knavish , i speake not to all , but ●o some , as by the law probatum est : to our purpose : a plaine country gentleman , yeoman , farmer , or such like , comming vp to the terme , and chancing to happen into one of these inns , hee as a guest boldly throwes his cloake downe vpon the hall table , thinking all true men in the house , being as then full of guests ; in comes the tapster or chamberlaine , in jesting manner , and carries the cloake away in good sadnesse , either into the tap-house , or into the hostry , and there keepes it for his owne ; the poore countrey man missing it , makes inquiry , thinking some of the house had laid it vp , but no newes thereof , ( confesse and be hangd ) thinkes he that keepes it in lauender , in too sweet a place for the countrymans having it againe : the innkeeper himselfe hearing of his guests losse , goes chasing and fretting vp and downe , that his house is thus discredited by theeues , and layes wait at every brokers , both in long-lane , charter-house-lane , barbican , hounds-ditch , and such like places , but no newes thereof ; so is the countryman sent home to his wife without a cloak , perhaps with as little money , by which meanes the innkeeper for ever after loseth his guests . now come we to the theefe , tapster or chamberlain , i meane he that stole the cloake in ieast , he must now needs sell in good earnest ; to whom , to the broakers ? no : for there is waite laid : whither then , to a neighbour ? no neither for then it may come to light , and bee knowne of his master : but vnto a kinde of fripperers it must be vented , which be certaine marchants of old wares , going vp and downe to buy lists , ends of cloath , and old cloakes , one of these must buy it , and send it into france , to learne the french tongue , or into the netherlands to speake duch , these be terrible blacke doggs indeed , and haue sawcer-like eyes that can looke broad and wide quite over a whole citie ; but let them alone and lose themselues in their owne adventures , it concernes not me , there is a whip in store for these doggs , and their kennels will bee ransackt i feare me . but now to wade deeper into this labyrinth of knavery , i will tell you as notable a pranke as ever you heard by one of these arche bandoggs done within these few yeares . there were two of this faculty which i name m. a. and m. b : whom ( to bring this their proceeding purpose to effect ) either bought or hired two chaines , the one of perfect good gold , the other plaine copper double gilt , and away goe they into the countrey towards beverley faire , in york-shire , well mounted vpon two goodly geldings , as they had been two substantiall gentlemen , and riding by the way they hapned into company of a northerne gentleman riding from london , with whom they spent liberally , , and every night at their lodgings were all fellowes both at board and bed ; in this familiar sort riding together some two or three daies , they began thus to effect their purpose , and to cast forth their angling hookes to catch this greedy gudgeon : first , m. b. spurring his gelding as they rode together , got some quarter of a mile of ground before the gentleman , and his fellow knaue riding after a good pace , and le ts fall the right gold chaine tyed within a buckram bagge , in the sight of master a. directly in the high way ; who seeing it , starteth a little before the gentleman , taking it hastily vp , saying , a prize , a prize , in a buckram bag , a prize : halfe part quoth the gentleman , not so quoth master a. i found it , but i am witnesse ( quoth the gentleman ) and will haue halfe , or cry it lost in the next market : during this controver●●e , they overtooke master b. who had let fall the chaine , and being made umpire betwixt them , gaue judgement , that it should be equally shar'd , whereupon opening the bagge , they found therein , wrapped in a faire paper , a good chaine of gold , worth foure score pound : the northerne gentleman having it in his hand , made bold to keepe it till they came to beverley , where at a gold-smiths shop they tried it , and being toucht thorowly , the gold-smith profered for it full foure score pounds in ready money : nay , said the gentleman , if it be so good , i will haue it my selfe , and giue master a forty pound for his part : whereupon both being agreed , home they goe to the gentlemans house , and receiue their money : but now marke the i●st , whilest the money was a telling , master b. cunningly convaies the copper chaine into the place where the gold chaine lay vpon the table , being like to it , put in a buckram bag and all , that one could not know one from the other : so having received the money , away goes master a. and b. well contented for their journey , leaving the northerne gentleman nothing but a copper chaine for his forty pound , who perhaps like a wise man never perceived till the guilt was worne off , and then where should he look my two gallants ? marry , god knows where , vnlesse it were howling at the grate at new-gate , omongst those pittifull creatures . having told this tale , the bell began to ring nine a clocke , whereupon the uintner calling , shut vp the doores , it is late , caused my friend and i to breake company , who paid for our wine , thanking each other , and so departed , hee to his lodging , and i to mine , where being no sooner laid in my bed , and calling to minde , our passed discourses of the blacke dog , and his first beginning , i fell into a most vnquiet slumber , and was all the night long troubled with a most fearefull dreame ; for mee thought i was my selfe prisoner in new-gate , lying loden with i●on● in great misery , where being destitute of friends , money-lesse , and forsaken of all my acquaintance , this following dialogue is ●h subiect passed betwixt my selfe and one z●●● , who was like wise a prisoner as i was , and perfectly acquainted with matters touching the discovery of the s●●●arlatiue degree of cunny-catchers : pithy , pleasant , and profitable for all the readers hereof . the interlocutors . the author , and zany , a prisoner . author . zany , i haue many times been in hand with thee to giue me some notes vpon thy knowledge , as concerning the notable abuses committed by a sort of dissolute fellowes , who are in very deed the worst members in a common-wealth ; i meane infamous cunny-catching knaues , who continually seeke the spoile of others to inrich themselues , and now is the time thy helpe will doe me some pleasure : for at the request of a very friend , i was mooved to write something of worth , whereupon i made choise of the blacke dogge of newgate , to be a subiect to write vpon , wherein i could not choose , divers strong reasons especially mooving thereunto , but in that title shadow the knavery , uillany , robbery , and cunny-catching committed daily by divers , who in the name of service and office , were as it were attendants at newgate . againe , i did choose to give my booke that title , as well to satisfie some , who yet thinke there is some spirit about that prison in the likenesse of a black dog : of which fond imagination to put them out of doubt , i thought good to give them to understand , that indeed there is no such matter . the third reason was , for i being in newgate a prisoner , and overthrowne by these kind of bad people , with their cunny-catching , in most vile and wicked manner , in so much that whilest i there languished in great extremitie , i did both heare and see many outragious iniuries by them committed on divers sorts of people : the premisses considered . i doe intreat thee to let me have thy helpe to set downe some of their villanies committed in thy knowledge , and i will not be flacke to present this booke , being finished , into their godly hands , who will assuredly give them condigne punishment , as also provide , that the like mischiefs shal be never any more put in practise by any notable villaines . zany . indeed you say well , and i agree : but yet you know i am a poore man , and am a prisoner . againe , it is ill m●dling with edge tooles . as you comprehend them in the name of a dog : so if they be angry , they will bite , and play the devill in their likenesse . they haue parlous heads , store of money , and some good friends : all which i want . neither will i name any : but if their knaveries were knowne , it would be thought the gallows as fit for these cūny-catchers , as newgate is for me , who am rather kept in to bribe them , then to answer any offence i haue committed : yet seeing you haue begun well , i would wish you end no worse : and for my part , tell you one of their knaueries , and i le tell another : so that ere we haue done , if we tel al , the cunny-catcher wil think we haue told too much . but by your l●aue a word . i wil name no man , for if they should be named , their friends would be angry : and more then that , i rather wish their amendment than their publike infamy : of which motion if you like , begin when you will , and when you are weary rest you , and i will go on with it : for our matter being all one , no doubt our conclusion will be to the like effect . godly , wise , honourable , worshipfull , and gentle reader , know first , there be an infinite number of this sect and company of cunny-catchers , therefore it were an endlesse peece of worke to name them all : but for i know too many of them , and haue likewise paid for my acquaintance with them , it may be expected i should name some of them , which for the inconvenience might thereby insue , i thought good to craue your patience on that behalfe , assuring you that they are easie enough to be known by their colours : but what wicked parts they haue performed , i will not faile but make manifest . therfore , first i desire you to imagine , that these fellowes , these cunny-catchers , i would say , doe promise to the world great matters : as for example . they will vndertake if a man be robd by the way , they will helpe the party offended to his money againe , or to the theeues at the least . likewise , if a purse be cut , a house broken , a peece of plate stole , they will promise the like : mary , to further this good peece of service , they must haue a warrant procured from some iustice at the least , that by the said generall warrant , they may take vp all suspected persons : which being obtained , then mark how notably therwith they play the knaues , how shamefully they abuse the iustices who granted the warrant , and how notoriously they abuse a great sort of poore men , who neither the warrant mentioneth , nor the party agreeved in any wise thought to mol●st or trouble : and for they shadow all their villanies vnder colour of some especiall warrant , let it suffice thee to read the sequell , and then judge of their abuses , as they deserue . now first will i begin with their petty practises in their lewd actions . say there is a man or two robb'd by the high way not far from london : the rumor hereof being bruited in the city , these fellowos will be sure to haue intelligence with the first , in what maner the men were robd , how much mony they lost , and where they dwel : the reason is this . the cunny-catchers haue alwaies abroad some odd fellows which are inquisitors of purpose , who alwaies what they heare rumord , they presently come and certifie their good master cunny-catchers , of all whatsoever , how , where , and when this robbery was committed ; presently away goes e. h. or n. s or some of that sett ; and enquires out the party that was robb'd : with whom it h. or s hap so meet withall , some occasion shall presently be found to intrude themselues into the company of them be robbed : and after some circumstances , the cunny-catcher begins to tell of a strange robbery committed in such a place , saying it was shamefully done : and withall , they will cast some words a farre off as who should say in effect , if i be not deceived i know the theeues , and it may bee , that if i might speake with him or them that were robb'd , happily i should direct them how they might take the villaines . all this while the cunny-catcher taketh no notice of them that were robbed , neither doth the cunny-catcher make any shew , that they knew any such matter to be done to any in the company . now the poore men that were robbed , hearing their smooth speeches , one of them begins very heavily to shape his tale in this , or such like manner . my honest friend , i know too well that such a robbery was done , and in very deed , i was the man was robbed in such a place , and at such a time as you speake off . i beseech you good friend , stand me in what stead you may : and if you can helpe me againe to my money , or to take the theeues , i will not onely thinke my selfe greatly beholding to you , but i will also please you to your content . i am a ●ore man , pray you doe me what pleasure you may , good sir , i beseech you . th●se and such like s●eeches hee vseth . the cunnicatcher presently ioyneth issues with him , and with much cunning hee tempereth his talke . to bee short , he offereth all the pleasure he can doe him : but quoth hee , you know i am a stranger unto you , and i know not whether you will use mee well or no : it may bee , when i have done you good , you will lightly reward me . but i le tell you what i le doe : give me but forty shtllings in hand to bear my charges the time i may search them , and if i do not deserve it , i will restore it againe , and loose all my labour : if you like of this motion , so it is : if not , i will not deale in your matter hot nor cold . when the man that was robbed , heareth him so briefe , yet loth to part company on the sodaine : he in treateth to know the cunnicatchers name , and where he dwelleth . to this question , another of the cunnicatchers companions maketh this reply . honest man , you need not doubt of his good meaning towards you : this is such a one as may doe you pleasure , if he please to undertake it . then he roundeth the man in the eare , and telleth him his name is e. h. and that he knoweth all the theeves about london , and that he hath done more good in helping men to their owne , then can be devised to be done by a hundred others , praising him for a wonderfull good member in a common-wealth : further certifying the party where this e. h. dwelleth , and with an oath whispering , he wisheth him to give him some xx . s. and then agree what he shall give him more , when the theeves be taken , making many protestations that he need not to misdoubt of e. h. his honest dealing with him in any respect . presently the poore man putteth his hand into his pocket and out he puls an angel : then saith he , m. h. i have heard of you before , and for i have heard nothing but well of you , i am the willinger to deale with you : truly here is an angel for you , and i will give you a gallon of wine at the taverne , and if you doe me good in this matter , i will give you xx . s. more : then with some intreaty he desireth them to take it in good part , and so giveth him the money . the conny-catcher taketh the money very quaintly , as though he would refuse it , but in the end hee le pocket it up , & is willing to goe to the taverne , where after that drinking a gallon or two of wine , they conclude of the former matter : and e. h. will out of hand get the theeves into newgate : & so much he promiseth to performe upon his honest fidelity , not letting to say , if he doe it not , he dare be hanged for it . then the day is appointed , when within a weeke the party robbed shall come to newgate to know what newes , and for that time they part , the honest man to his home or about his businesse , the cunnycatchers to some other odde place about their knavery , where they laugh at the cunny , devising how to get him in for more money , never intending to doe any thing in the matter , which they have undertaken for the honest man , whose angell they drinke merrily . now we will leave this man for a while to his businesse of more profit , and i will proceed with the cunny-catchers for their practizes . these cunny-catchers are never idle : and therefore it followeth next to let you understand of a notable peece of service the said h. and s. plaid with a friend of mine . it happened my friend being some time in question , could not misse but he must needes have acquaintance with these odde shavers : and thus it fell out . my friend being in a taverne drinking with some of his acquaintance , whilst they were drinking together , in comes h. s. who presently used great courtesie to my friend : but to be short , they tooke full survey of his weapons , his good cloake , and neat apparell , which was enough for them to imagine that my friend had store of money : whereupon they asked if he would give them a pottle of wine ? which he willingly granted : and so after one pottle , he gave them another : the reckoning paid , and the company ready to depart , quoth s. to e. h i pr●y you hearke in your eare . presently he whispereth . thus it is , my fellow hath a warrant to take you : therefore in kindnesse i wish you to draw to your purse , and give him an angel to drinke , and i will undertake he shall not see you at this time . my friend hearing his tale tend to a cunnicatching effect , he begins to sweare they are cunnicatching knaves , and they shall not wrong him in any respect . to be short , the cunnicatcher sends for a constable , and charges the party aforesaid with fellony : the constable knowing them to be in office ( but not to be such bad fellows ) he presently apprehendeth the party : which done , the cunnicatchers seeing the prisoner in safe keeping , dis-furnished of his weapons , they presently require the prisoner of the constable , and they will be his discharge : which the constable did , thinking no lesse then they were right honest men . now marke what followed . as these two knaves were a bringing this party charged with fellony to newgate , one of them offereth yet for xx . s. to set him free : of which , when the party had considered , knowing though he were cleare of that he was charged , yet if he lay in prison till the sessions , it would be greater charges . when he was on newgate staires ready to goe into the batle , he was content to leave his cloake , that money he h●d in his purse , and his weapons which were in the constables hand pa●●e for the xr . s. which the cunnycatchers tooke , and discharged the prisoner without any more to doe . not long after , the aforesaid cunnicatchers meet with this their cunny of xx . s. price , and another who was knowne to be , as they terme him , a good fellow about the towne in his company . and where meet they , but in a taverne not farre without bishops gate , where these two poore cunnies had spoken for supper : amiddest their good cheere , in comes h. and s. bidding them be merry with their fare . one of these two being an odde fellow , and in dread of these cunnicatchers , knowing them very perfectly , set on the best face hee could , and bad them welcome , intreating them to sit downe , and doe as they did , of which proffer the cunnicathers accepted willingly , and sate downe with them and eate and drunk merrily : supper being ended , the reckoning was call'd for , the shot paid , and all things discharged , the cunnies would faine have beene gone . nay , quoth n. s. for of the two he was the grimmer knave and had most skill to talke , i must let you know that which indeed i am sorry to doe . yet if you will doe your selves good , you may use us well , and we will not use you amisse , to be short , thus it is , such a man was rob'd within this weeke , and he hath got out a warrant for you two by name . he hath lost ten pounds : now if you will restore the money , and bestow xx . s. on us two to drink for our pains , we will undertake to satisfie the party and be your discharge , if not , we have a warrant , and you must answer it at new-gate . this backe reckoning is something sharpe , but there is no remedy , either pay so much money , or else must a constable be sent for , and so to newgate as round as a hoope . to be short , this was the conclusion , the cunnies paid downe xi . l. every penny , whereof ten pound was to be paid to the man in the moone , for i dare take it upon my death , neither of these cunnies did offend any such man , in manner as these knaves had charged them . zany . by your leave a word , all this while you have not concluded what became of the first cunny these edde shavers meet with ; i pray you be briefe , and let us heare how he was ended withall , and then you shall heare me tell you of wonders , if these be held to be but of moment . author . well then to the first cunny ; again at his time appointed , he commeth to the wise man of newgate to inquire what is done in his matter , and at newgate the cunny findeth his adde acquaintance with e. h. who at the first sight hath the time of the day for him , much curtesies , but to the taverne they must to debate the matter , where they must have a pottle of the best . whilest the wine is a filling , the cunny-catcher sheweth what great paine he hath taken to come to the theeves , and how hardly they mist of them : but for it is best to use few words , the cunnycatcher from one day to another , still driveth off the cunny , who is still in hope that the cunny-catcher meaneth good faith , whereas indeed he never made account what faith was : so to be short , if the theeves rob'd hi not some five or sixe pound , he hath got , or if he find where he is , a dry shaving as much as forty or fifty shillings more . i tell thee zany me thinkes these are notable villantes , and pitty they should not be punished , who live by no other meanes but practising such pranks as these be . againe this is a generall rule to the cunnicatcher , that when or where he meets with such a one as hath beene at any time committed to newgate , if that fellow have good apparrell on his backe , the cunnicatcher taketh acquaintance of him , and a quart of wine they must needs drinke , when the reckoning comes to payment , the cunnicatcher hath brought no money from home that day , so by the others drawing of his purse to pay for the wine , he knoweth what lyning is in it , then if he have money , the cunnicatcher is in hand with him for a bribe , some odde crowne or an angel to drinke : if the man be in any fault , fearing the worst , he will not stand with him for a trifle : if he be in no fault , perhaps he tels , in faith you are deceived in me , i am not he you take me for , and so parteth and giveth him nothing . presently the cunnicatcher useth all meanes to know where he lies , which when he hath done , within a night or two away goes this knave with soone old warrant to the constable of that liberty , craving his aid to apprehend a bad fellow who is thought to have done much mischiefe , but for a surety he avoucheth him for an arrand theefe , & that he hath been in newgate . upon these speeches the constable goes with this h. where the poore man lies , and apprehends him and convaies him to newgate , laying some iustices commandment on him , where he lies till the sessions , unlesse he come off roundly with a bribe to the cunnicatcher : but say the cunnicatcher be mistaken in this fellowes purse , and that he have not so much as he supposed , yet the cunnicatcher is so strong of faith , that he will not beleeve the contrary : so by this meanes the poore man lyeth in prison till he be quite a begger , without releasement till the proclamation at the sessions , at which time he is not worth the ground he goes on , neither knoweth he , being utterly overthrowne , how to have any remedy : which is pittifull and lamentable . zany . i muse you should account of these trifling matters , whereas indeed they are nothing in respect of the priz●● they have plaid , and if you will give me leave a little , i will come something nearer the cunnicatcher then you have yet done . author . i pray thee doe : yet i must needs tell thee i have bin too neare the cunnicatcher , and what i have spoken of him , it is not onely with griefe but withsorrow to my heart , and anguish of soule , that these outrages should be committed , to the utter undoing of so many , as within this thirty yeares have beene : for so long did i heare one of these uillaines vaunt he had beene in office about newgate : and what i have done or said on this behalfe , with my life and death , i am ready to make proofe of it , that it is true . this minde i beare , that the devill should have his due of these knaves , and i hold it my duty to reveale whatsoever is to the good of a common-wealth : and so i will , though the cunnicatcher sweare to give me a cut in the leg for my labour , and now zany i pray thee goe forward . gentlemen , though i want eloquence , yet you shall see i have a rowling tongue , deepe knowledge , and am a rare fellow to bewray many matters touching cunnicatching . master greene , god be with thee , for if thou hadst beene alive , knowing what i know , thou wouldst as well have made worke as matter , but for my part , i am a plaine fellow , and what i know , i will not be meale-mouthed , but blab i wist , and out it must : nay , and out it shall , for as the comedian said , plenus rymarum sum . i know twenty and twenty of these fine cunnicatchers , who learne of the fencers to double a blow , knowing what belongs to the button and the bob : yet for the author hath onely used foure letters for two names , let them stand , and when i name h he must thinke zany can see whilst there is an eye in his head , h. is aspirationis nota , and no le●●●r indeed , therefore i care not if this cunnycatching h. were wip'd out of the letters row to h●ng on the gallowes , who is fitter to be a sipher to make up a number at tyborne , then to be a man of so bad condition . as for a pottle of wine he cares not who he hang so he may have it , if it be but the wine . n. is the first of the second name the author useth . no knave i warrant you : and as for s. if he be in some sort a knave to be proved , he will be contented , nay , he must in spight of his teeth disgest the name of a cunnicatcher , for by that are y● being not worth a groat a yeare , he is able by his fine wit to maintaine himselfe in his satin doublet , uelvet hose , his hat lin●d with uelvet , his silke stocke , his rapie● and dagger gilt , his golden brouch , and all things correspondent as might seeme a man both of wit and living . and now i , according to my promise to the author , will have a cast at these fine cunnicatchers , and i will not slander them in any wise , but speake the truth unto death . if i say more then i will prove , i will never bid you trust zany againe . not long since at a tylting upon triumph on the coronation day : many good subjects with ioy assembled the place of triumph , aswell reioycing to see the queenes most excellent maiestie , as also to see the tylting performed , by sundry noble and right honourable personages . amongst the rest , there comes a woman with six pounds in her purse , which the cutpurse met withall , she , as it seemed , having more minde on the pleasures of the present day and time , then she had of her purse . the iusts ended for that day , the woman thinking all had been well , takes her way homewards with a friend of hers , yet by the way , this good woman must needs drinke with her friend a pint of wine : but here was the mischiefe , when the wine was to be paid for , the woman mist her purse , and looking on the strings , with a cold heart she might perceive her purse was cut away . her friend to comfort her bad her take no thought , for he knew a man wou●d helpe her to her purse again , and saith he , we will presently go to him , for i know where he dwels . the woman thanked her friend for his courteous offer , and away they goe to e. h his house , where they found him , to whom they brake the matter wholly how it was , desiring his helpe . presently he had them in the wind , and bad them welcome , promising that if they would content him for his paines he would doe her good , asking her what she will willingly bestow to have her money againe . at the first word she offered him forty shillings . all this was well , and they agreed to meet next day about white hall , where they shall have answer to their content : and so after they had drunke a quart of wine at the taverne , for that might they parted . the next day , according to promise they met , and this e. h. had in his company a man , who he said was a constable , but whether he said truely or no , i will not say , but to the matter : they appoint the woman to go to a friends house hard by , and she should heare more anone . away went she , as they had appointed her , and away go they to looke for cutpurses . i warrant you they sought not long , but there they met with a cutpurse , whom they take by the sleeve : and there they meet with another as good a cutpurse as the former , and so they take at the least a dozen cutpurses : which when they have done , the cunnicatcher begins to raile mightily , swearing they shall some of them be hanged : but to prison they shall all goe , unlesse this money be had againe , she wing a warrant , or a peece of paper at the least : which is sufficient to beare the cunnicatcher harmelesse , as he saith . now the cutpurses , though they be all cleare of this matter , yet they begin to quake for feare , offering rather then they will goe to prison , they will make up the money , so that e. h. will promise to give it them againe when the cutpurse shall be knowne , who cut the purse indeed . this motion the cunnicatcher liketh indifferently : and so of these dozen of cutpurses , he taketh of some more , and of some lesse , that the summe is largely made up : which done , they are all discharged , marry they must have some twenty shillings overplus for their paines and kindnesse shewed to the cutpurses , all which is granted . to be short , no cutpurse scap'd their hands , but he paid a share , so that there was gathered the first day at the least ten pounds amongst cutpurses , and the next day this e. h. met with the cutpurse , who cut the purse indeed , of whom he tooke the money , with the vantage , and let him goe , without answering the matter : and to conclude , the woman had foure pound of her money againe , and so the matter was no more spoken of . i thinke this was a peece of knavery , if you talke of knavery , and yet this is no knavery in respect of that i wil shew you in this next discovery of their cunny-catching . at the tearme time , these fellowes h. and s. haue had great booties by their practises in this art , and this is their manner . in the morning away they go to westminster hall , where they know the cutpurse will be about his businesse , but the cunny catchers are not without a couple , who are their consorts : who as soone as they come to the hall , thrust in amongst the thickest , and there they listen to heare if any purse were cut that day . likewise , the cunny-catchers , they take their standings one of them at the water side , the other in some close place , at another gate : so that lightly a cutpurse cannot come out of the hall , but one of them shall spie him , and take him by the sleeue , if the cutpurse haue done any thing , word is presently brought to the taverne , whither the cunny and the cunny-catcher are gone to drinke . now if it be some small summe , the cunny-catcher sheweth the cunny a good countenance ; but if it be a large summe , as sixe pounds , or vpwards , the cunny-catcher dissembling his intent , will not stay but the drinking of a pottle of wine . the cutpurse intreats their company , and offereth both wine and a breakefast , but all is in vaine , the cunny-catcher will not tarry , swearing a great oath , he is sorry that it was his chance to see this cunny or cut-purse this day , for there is a mischiefe done , and he f●●res some will smoake for it . at this the cutpurse is af●ard , but he for that time scapeth their fingers , for the cunny-catcher will t●rry no longer . now the cunny-catcher sendeth presently one of his company to seeke out the party who had his purse cut , which he performeth with diligence , and meeting with him , hee tells the party , that he heard he lost his purse at westminster , and if he will be advised by him , he will helpe him to the most of his money againe . this honest man glad to haue part againe of his money , offereth at first word , the one halfe to have the other , assuring this odd fellow for certainty , that he lost ten pounds . well ( saith this factor for the cunny-catcher ) if your leasure wil serue to go with me , i wil bring you to one doth partly know who cut your purse , therefore it is your way to follow his counsaile , and i warrant you , my life for it , but you shall haue your desire . hereat the honest man is glad , and willingly goeth along with him to a place where he knoweth e. h abideth his comming : now being met , the wiseman of newgate begins at the first dash , to tell them whereabout they come , even in as ample manner , as if the man who had his purse cut , had told the tale himselfe . no marvell though the countrey man doe wonder a while at the matter , but in the ende , he telleth him it is so indeede , and according to the first motion they agree , which is the one halfe for the other : the countrey man willing to referre the matter wholly to this cunny-catchers discretion . then away goes the countrey man with h. the cunny-catcher , to a iustice , to whom he signifieth in every respect , how his purse was cut , desiring of the iustice a warrant to take vp all suspected persons : of which motion the iustice intending to doe iustice , grants his warrant , and giues it to h. willing him to certifie him what shall bee done on that behalfe , as the warrant intendeth . this warrant obtained , the cunny-catcher is as pleasant as a pye , taking his leaue of the iustice , away goes the countrey man , and his good friends with him , and to the taverne straight , where they spend some time in drinking a pottle of the best wine , which the countrey man must pay for : which done , h. taketh his leaue of his client , promising him not to be slacke in his businesse ; which done they part , the countrey man to his lodging , or as his occasion serveth , and the cunny-catcher about his faculty . now woe to the cutpurses , for as h. happeneth to meet with them , they must to newgate , shewing warrant sufficient for a greater matter . but you must take notice , that of a dozen or sixteene cut-purses who he hath apprehended , he is sure enough that hee which cut the purse indeed shall be none of them . this honest company of cutpurses being all in newgate h. goes presently and certifies the iustice , what a sort of notable theeues he hath taken , desiring the iustice to send for them at his pleasure , to examine them about the countrey mans purse , assuring the iustice that they are cunning theeues , and that he dare lay his life , they will confesse nothing : which indeed the iustice findeth true : for they being axamined , will confesse as much as nere a whit . to newgate away they goe againe , where they make all meanes to h. to stand their friend , shewing their innocencie : yet rather then they will lye in prison , one offereth ten shillings , another twenty shillings , some more , some lesse , as they are of ability : offering farther , to giue besides the summe , every one something to h for his good word to the iustice , that they may be set at liberty . now the cunny-catcher hath the matter as he would wish it , and taking their money first , he presently goes to the iustice , and certifieth him , that these which he hath apprehended , did none of them cut the purse : and for he hath gotten knowledge who did , he desireth that they may be bayled . the iustice glad to heare the truth is knowne , is willing to set them at libertie , which vpon their baile he granteth , of this money the countrey man hath never a penny , and all these cutpurses are set at liberty . which done , h seeketh diligently for the cutpurse , who did the matter indeed : with whom when he meeteth , he spareth not to tell him how sore the iustice is against him , and how earnestly the countrey man will pursue the law : and further he sweareth , that some of them who were in newgate told the iustice plainely , that he cut the purse . this peale rings nothing well in the cutpurses eares , who can find no favour , but to newgate : yet vpon intreaty made by the cutpurse , the cunny-catcher promiseth , that for his part he will doe him any good he can , wishing the cutpurse , as he is wise enough , so it were good for him to hold his owne , and confesse nothing so the iustice , what proofe so ever come against him , and in so doing , it may lye in his power to doe him good : telling him further , that the man who lost the money , though he be sore bent against him , yet he will partly be ruled by him . well to newgate marcheth this h. with his cutpurse : where he to welcome him for his faire words , hee clappeth on his legges a good paire of boults and shakles : which done , he sendeth for the countrey man , and telleth him of these good tydings , how the theefe is taken , and how he hath vsed him . the next way they take , is to the iustice , to whom h. signifieth how the case standeth , railing mightily against the cutpurse , even in the worst manner he can devise : saying , it will be evidently proved that he cut the purse , & none but he : further he requesteth that the cutpurse may bee examined . the cutpurse is sent for , who to every question the iustice can demand , having taken out his lesson ( confesse and bee hang'd ) hath his answer ready , so that there can be no advantage taken by his examination . the iustice returneth him to newgate againe , to abide till the next sessions , requiring the party to bee bound to giue evidence against him : but the countrey man dwelling farre from london , and it being long to the next law-day , alledgeth , he cannot be in the citie at that time , for he is a poore man , and hath great occasion of businesse , so that he cannot be there to giue evidence , neither can he say if he would , any thing against that party : for so farre as he can remember , he never saw that fellow before in his life . yet h. promiseth , that it will be proved against the cutpurse : so the countrey man and h. take their leaues of the iustice , making shew as though they would come againe , though it be no part of h. his meaning . h. goeth straight to newgate , where he fals in hand with the cutpurse , swearing vnto him by his honesty , that hee hath laboured ●he party who had his purse cut , to take his money again , and not to give evidence against him , assuring him with many oathes , that if he m●y haue his money againe , he will presently go out of the towne . the cutpurse taking h. his hand , that no man shal giue evidence against him at the sessions , doth presently send abroad to his friends for the money : which as soone as it commeth , he deliver●th to h. and withall a large overplus , because he will bee sure of h. his favour . this done h. goes to the countrey man , and fels him , he got no more but six or seven pounds , of which if he will accept , and proceed no further against the party , he hath it to pay him : marry he will not be knowne to the countrey man , but that he had that money of some friends of the cutpurses , who vpon the former condition , is willing it should be paid , if not to haue his money againe . the countrey man having haste out of the city , is glad to take it : out of which summe , if it be seven pounds , h. must haue halfe : so that the poore man of ten pounds , hath but three pounds ten shillings , whereas the cunny-catcher by this account hath got at one hand and an other , very neere forty markes : the money shard● , the countrey man takes horse , and away he rides : againe h. his mouth is stopt , and the next sessions the cutpurse is quit by proclamation , no man being there to giue evidence against him . author . o wonderfull peece of villany . i will trouble thee no further , thou hast told enough , and i will tell no more : who heares but this which is already spoken , will hold these knaues for execr●ble u●rlets . so for this time i will commend thee to thy other businesse , wishing thy liberty as i doe mine owne : and if thou haue occasion , command me to doe thee good , if it lye in my power . zany . sir , i thanke you for your courteous offer : but yet i must tel you , i could tell twenty such prancks as these are , which these cunny-catching fellowes haue played : but indeed they keepe one order almost , in performing them all : but since you think here is inough , i will say no more , and so fare you well . author . thus haue you heard , gentle reader , how at large this blacke dogge is desciphered : which dogge as he is , is worthy of your generall hate : but for i haue with paines concluded my booke vnder that title , i will not request you according to the old proverbe , loue me , loue my hound : but onely , loue me , and hang my dogge , for he is not worthy so good a name as a hound . certaine fearefull visions a p●aring to the authour of this booke , most worthy to bee noted . when as blacke titan with his duskie robe , had tellus clouded with his curtaines night , faire phoebus peering vnderneath earths globe , with winged steeds hence takes his course aright . titan hee leaues to beare imperiall sway , commanding night , as phoebus did the day . the fiery chariot posteth under ground , with titans mantle all the earth is spread , and wreathes of ieat about his temples bound : earths cell coale blacke , sweet morpheus calls to bed , no time to walke , to sport , to game , to see , i did obey , that must commanded bee . layd in my bed , i 'gan for to recount a thousand things which had been in my time : my birth , my youth , my woes , which all surmount , my life , my losse , my libertie , my crime : then where i was , unto my minde recalling , me thought earth gap'd , and i to hell was falling . amidst these feares that all my senses cumber , care clos'd mine eyes , and sorrow wr●ng my heart : opprest with griefe , mine eye-lids 'gan to slumber , but borne to woes , must of more woes have part . a thousand furies to my heart appearing , that did affright my soule with ugly searing . thus lay i long beholding hell and devills , agast with mazes , almost dead in feares , not knowing how to rid mee from the evills : they shew in action , and in lookes appeares , one anticke monster , hidious , foule and grim , me most appall'd , and most i lookt at him . thought i at last , i will cry out for ayd , striving to crie neere dead , affright with feare , i heard a voyce , which like an angell sayd : bee not dismayd , for thou shalt see and heare men devils , devils men , one both , both all del●ding : worlds evils , wrack then , sheeps cloth , wolves pray concluding . hearing a voyce , my heart was much revived , noting the words , i did some courage take : but sudden ioyes hath sudden woes atchieved , a sudden noyse this hellish crew did make , threatning by shewes as though they would devoure my life and soule , subdued by terrors power . thought checkt my mind , feares senses all amazing , hell broken loose , eyes visions furies affrighting , subdu'd earths powers , upreares hearts insight a gazing , terror of minde with hope , cries feares faint arighting : helpe me orequelled : waking with dread , i espied grac'd gracious minerva , who thus to my outery replyed : feare not at all , nor saint thou with beholding : but light thy lampe , and take thy pen in hand , write what thou feest , thy uisions all unfolding , i will direct , and let thee understand , what all these hell hounds shadow by appearing , uiew thou their worst , and then write of their fearing . subdu'd by words , which did all works exceed , ravisht with joyes , such feature to behold , abjecting feare , my glutted eyes i feed , upon her brightnesse which all harmes control'd : glimpse of her brightnesse , senses all endearing , legions of devils , could no more fright with fearing . i preas'd my selfe to take the hardest steele , and from the flint , i beat forth sparkes of fire : kindling the lint , my ready match i feele , yeelding my lampe the light of my desire : soon spied minerva , with lawrel crown'd , and bayes , mirror divine , feature of worthlesse praise . before her feet submissively i tell , pardon i crav'd , fearing i was too bold : rise up , quoth she , and view these hags of hell , for divers secrets must thy pen unfold . make true record , what shall be shew'd to thee , for these are they , which worlds deceivers be . i le clense thine eyes , least vapours doe offend , i le cleare thy wits , and give a pleasing muse : the deasest eare shall to thy talke attend , the worke so worthy , thou mayst not refuse : newgates blacke dog , with pen and inke depaint , curres of this kinde shall thereby have restraint . not for my sake doe thou what i require , but for his sake ; and with that word me showes a faire old man , whose teares foretold desire , and in a mantle mourner-like he goes . his veines like azure , his haire as white as wooll , tresses before , behind a bare smooth skull . and this is time , minerva thus repli'd , which mournes to see these hel-hounds times abusing : how thousands in their ravening iawes have dyed ; slaughtering lambes , yet to the world excusing : offence with colour shadowing mighty evils , by name of service , and yet incarnate devils . no more quoth she , but take thee to thy pen , resolve the wise , that they have beene deceiv'd : many blacke dogs have walk'd in shapes of men , and with deceits the common-wealth agreev'd : his forme and lineaments to the world disclose , that this blacke dog be knowne where ere he goes . my muse gan blush , dreading to undertake so great a taske : but time againe replide , feare not at all , time doth the motion make , unmaske this beast , let him no longer hide himselfe in shrowds , who makes of sinnes a scoffe , worlds great'st admire , when as his uizards off , time then said i , faire time i will not use longer delay , but satisfie thy will : so time will answer for my harmelesse muse , who wanteth worth so nigh p●rnassus hill ? be briefe , quoth time : with that i tooke my pen , obeying time , without offence to men . then did i fixe mine eye upon this beast , who did appeare first in the shape of man , homely attyr'd , of wonders not the least , a broome-mans song to sing this dog began : from street to street trudgeth along this groome , as if he would serve all the world with broome . but in a trice he did transforme his shape , which stroke a treble horror to my heart : a cerberus , nay worse , he thrice as wide did gape , his haires all snakes curling , they will not part . cole-blacke his hew , like torches glow his eyes , his breath doth poyson , smoke from 's nostrils flyes . his countenance ghastly , fearefull , grim , and pale , his fomy mouth still gaping for his prey : with tigers teeth he spares none to assaile , his lippes hell gates , ore-painted with decay : his tongue the clapper , sounding wofull knell , towling poore men to ring a peale in hell. like sepulchre his throat is hollow made , devouring all whom dangers make a prey , bribery his hand , spoyle of the poore his trade . his fingers talents ceasing to betray , and with his armes he foldeth men in woes , destruction stil's the path where ere he goes . me thought his brest was all of burning brasse , through which there grew a a heart of hardest steele : his belly huge , like scalding furnace was , his thighes both like unto a fiery wheele , his legs were long , one foot like to a hinde , the other foot a hounds of bloody kinde . and in this shape i saw this monster walke , about the streets , most fearefull to behold ; but more to tell , since i begin to talke , here is the tale which time would faine have told . upon a sudden rusht this curre on me , as though my life his evening prey should be . within his clutches did he cease me fast , and bare me straight unto blacke pluto's cell : when there i came , he me in lymbo cast , a stigion lake , the dungeon of deepe hell : but first my legs he lock'd in iron bolt , as if poore i had been some wanton colt. and then he gan with basest termes to braide , and then he threats as though he would me kill : and then he daunces , for he me be●raid , and then speaks faire , as though he meant none ill : then like medusa did he shake his locks , and then he threatens me with iron stocks , at last he left me in that irkesome den . where was no day , for there was ever night : woes me , thought i , the abject of all men , clouded in care , quite banished from light : rob'd of the skie , the stars , the day , the sun , this dog , this devill , hath all my joyes undone . surprest with anguish , sorrow , griefe , and woe , me thought i heard a noyse of iron chaines which dinne did torment and affright me so , that all my senses studied what it meanes : but by and by which did me comfort more , there came a man which opened lymbo's dore . all leane he was , and feeble too god knowes , upon his arme he bare a bunch of keyes : with candle-light about the cell he goes , who roughly said , sir , lye you at your ease ? swearing an oath that i did lie too soft , who lay on ground , and thus he at me scoft . to see a man of feature , forme and shape , it did me good , and partly feares exiled : but when i heard him gybe me like an ape , then did i thinke that i was thrice beguiled . yet would i venture to this man to speake , into discourses , thus i gan to breake . nye me poore wretch , that knowes not where i am , nor for what cause , i am brought to this place : bound for the slaughter , lying like the lambe , the butcher meanes to kill within a space . my griefes are more then can my tongue expresse , aye me , woes me , that can find no redresse . yet if thou be , as thou doest seeme a man , and so thou art , if i doe not mistake : doe not increase , if so increase thou can , the cruell tortures which me wofull make . and tell me first who thou thy selfe mayest be , that art a man , and yet doest gybe at me . seeing the feares which did my heart possesse , uiewing the teares that frickled from mine eyes , he answered thus , a man i must confesse , i am my selfe that here condemned lies . and by the law adiudg'd i am to dye , but now the keeper of these keyes am i. this house is newgate , gently he replied , and this place lymbo , where in now thou art : untill thou pay a fine , heare must thou bide , with all these bolts which doe agreeve thy heart . no other place may there provided be , till thou content the keeper with a fee. with that he turn'd as though he would away , sweet , bide a while , i did him so intreat : quoth he , my friend , i can no longer stay , yet what you want , if you will drinke or eate , or have a fire , or candle by you burne , say what you need , and i will serve your turne . quoth i , deare friend , then helpe me to a fire , let me have candle for to give me light : nor meat nor drinke doe i wish or desire , but onely grant me gracious in thy sight . and say , what monster was it pl●c'd me here ? who hath me almost lifel●sse made with feare , nay peace , quoth he , for there begins a tale , rest now content , and time will tell thee more , to strive in fetters it will small availe : seeke first to ease thy legs which will grow sore , when bolts are off , we will that matter handle , so he departed , leaving me a candle . away he went , and leaves me to my woes , and being gone , i could not chuse but thinke , that he was kind , though first unkind in showes , who offered me both fire , bread , and drinke . leaving a candle by me for to burne , it eas'd my griefe , and made me lesse to mourne . ioying to see , who whilome had no sight , i reacht the candle , which by burning stands , but i unworthy comfort of the light , a rat doth rob the candle from my hands , and then a hundred rats all sally forth , as if they would convoy their prize of worth . in vaine i strive to re-obtaine what 's lost , my woes are now , as woes at first began : with change of griefes , my perplext soule is tost , to see the end i did bethinke me than . how time had promis'd secrets to disclose , so i expect the worst of hellish foes . whilst thus i lay in irons under ground , i heard a man that begged for reliefe : and in a chaine of iron was he bound , whose clattering noise fill'd full my heart with griefe , begging one penny to buy a hundred bread , hunger'd and starv'd , for want of food nye dead . woe 's me , thought i , for thee so bound in chaines , woe 's me for them , thou begg'st for to sustaine : woe 's me for all , whose want all woes containes , woe 's me , for me , that in your woes complaine . woe 's me , woe's you , and woe is to us all , woe to that dog , made me to woe a thrall . whilst thus i languish , i on suddaine heare , an uncoth noyse which did approach my den : listning , unto the doore i laid mine eare , and then i knew the voyces were of men . still in neerenesse drew they more and more , at last i heard them opening lymbo's doore . in first there came the man that gave me light , and next the dog , who brought me to that place : another with a club , appear'd in sight , three weaponlesse , as though they moan'd my case : fainting for feare , i knew not what to say , expecting then performance of decay . but now this dog is in a better shape , in every point proportion'd as a man : my heart did throb , not knowing how to scape , but to intreat this curre , i thus began . faire friend , quoth i , if ●o thy will may be , to case my griefe , i le give thee any fee. with that he gri●'d , and thus he made reply , thou art a uillaine worthy of this place ; thy fault is such , that thou shalt surely die , i will not pitty thee in any case . such as thou art , too many every where , but i will seeke in time to have them heare . when he nam'd time , then i on time did thinke , but more he sayes , if thou have any coyne : to pay for ease , i will a little winke , and bolts releasment , with discharge i le joynt . of this close prison to another ward , paying thy fine , or else all ease is bard . like as the childe doth kisse the rod for feare , nor yet dare whimper , though it hath beene beat : so with smoothe lookes , this dog approach i neare , before the dev'll a candle doe i set . treating him faire , with fairest words may be , bidding him aske , he shall have gold of me . why then , quoth he , thy speeches please me well , partners ( quoth he ) strike off his irons all : then up we went , as one should climbe from hell , untill i came into a loathsome hall. when there i came , they set me on a blocke , with punch and hammer my irons off they knocke . no marvell though , whilst they my legs untide , mine eyes did surfet , drinke with woes beholding , bolts , shackels , collors , and iron , sheares i spide , thumstals , wastbands , torturs griefe unfolding : but while the case of legs my sorrowes calme , roome , quoth a wretch , for me with widdowes almes . take of these curtalles did another cry , and on his knees he fell before this curre , who to his sorrowing made a dogs reply , downe to thy ward , and doe not make this stirre . what now i know , if i had knowne before , in stead of these light chaines thou shouldst had more . with that the poore man was thrust out of sight , and i all fearing , fear'd with feare of feares : my irons off , i went , as goe i might unto this dog , in whom all devils appeares . with golden angel i this cur presented , saith he , one more , else i am not contented . wonder it was to see a fiend of hell , to thirst for angels of the fairest hue : but devils are devils , and they would all orequell . mans life and soule , this dog seeks to subdue : his mouth to stop , angels i gave him two , yeelding persorce , as i perforce must do . and then he left me in the partners hall , the grate doth open , and this dog out-goes , thousand sorrowes holds my heart in thrall , yet there i am , not by my selfe in woes : hereon oreplunged with deepe hearts griefe cryes , i live a life thrice worse then he that dyes . an other sorry soule , without a ragge , hurckling for cold , in whom all want appeares : at last gan speake , as if he meant to bragge , and thus he sayes : heare have i beene nine yeares : tell you of woes , when you my woes have seene , and yet have many men more wofull been . with that i rose , and to this poore man went , in hope to learne some novils by his talke : approaching him among his discontent , he asked me , if so i pleas'd to walk● ? and if you will , then follow up these staires , to walke and talke , deceiveth time of cares . i followed him as he that in a wood , hath lost himselfe , and knowes no way he takes : and in distress● , i thought conferring good , new woes with old , just mixture consort makes . and though the place doth nought but discord sound , my soule for his , our discords concord found . at first he gently tooke me by the hand , and bids me welcome , as i were his guest : you are a prisoner , i doe vnderstand , and hither welcome are both bad and best . men of all sorts come for offending hither , and being here , here bidethey altogether . and then he did begin thus to discourse . cease to lament with vaine dispayring feares : thy selfe dissolu'd to dropps gaines no remorse , here 's none regards , though all my mournings hea●●s , if vnder earth , the devils can proue a hell , theirs is not like to this , where wretches dwell . see in you hall are divers sorts of men , some weepe , some wail● , some mourne some wring their hands , some curse , some sweare , and some blasph●ming then , my heart did faint , my heads haire vpright stands . o lord thought i , this house will rend in sunder , or else there can be no hell , this hell vnder . thus wondring i , on suddaine did espie , one all in black came stamping up the stair●s : whose you i askt , and thus he made reply , you is the man doth mitti●ate our ●ares . he preacheth christ , and doth gods word deliver , to all distrest , to comfort men for ever . then drew i neere to see what might be●ide , or what the s●quell was of that i saw : expecting good would follow such a guide , as preach●d christ , and taught a god to know . a hundred clustering come the pulpit neere , as if they long'd she gospell for to heare . what 's this , quoth i , that now i doe behold , the h●gs of hell , and sathans impious limbs , some deeper secret doth this sight unfold , then i can gesse , this sight my sences dims , straight of my friend i asked by and by , what it might be , who made me this reply . you men which thou behold ; so ●ale and wa● , who whiles lookes up , whiles looking downe beneath , are all condemn'd , and they must dye each man. iudgement is given , that cord shall stop their breath . for haynous facts , as murther , theft , and treason , unworthy life , to dye law thought it reason . the sermon ended , the men condemn'd to dye , taking the●e leaves of their acquainted friends : with ●orry lookes , paysing their steps they ply , downe to a hall , where for them there attends , a man of office , who to da●nt lives hopes , doth ●●rd their bands , and scar●e their necks , with ropes . thus rop't and corded , they descend the staires , newgates blacke dog , bestirres to play his part : and doth not cease for to augment their cares , willing the cerman to s●t neare his cart. which done , these men , with feare of death orepang'd , bound to the cart , are carried to be handg'd . this rufull sight , yet end to their doom'd sorrowes , makes me agast , and forces me bethinke , woe upon woe , and so from wofulst borrowes , a swar●●e of griefe , and then i sounding sinke . but by t●nes ayde , i did revive againe , might i have dyed , it had beene lesser paine . for now againe the dog a fresh assaults me , as is my sp●yle were next to be inacted : and like a subtill curre in speeches halts he , with thousand fleighty wiles , old shifts compacted . charging me off with that i never did , in his smooth'st looks , are cruell bitings hid . i spake him faire , as if i had offended , he treats me foule , who never did him ill , he playes the gripe on tytius intended , to tire his heart , yet never hath his fill . even so this dog doth tire and prey on me . till quite consum'd , my golden angels be . then wofull want did make me oft complaine , hunger and cold doe pinch me at the heart : then am i thrust out of my bed againe , and from my chamber must i needs depart : to lowest wards , to lye upon the boords ; which nought but filth and noysome smels affords . midst forty men , surpriz'd with care and griefe , i lye me downe on boords , as hard as chennell : no bed nor boulster may afford releefe , for worse then dogs , lye we in that foule kennell : what might i thinke , but sure assure me then , that metamorphos'd , we were beasts not men . griefe upon griefe , did still oppresse my minde , yet had i store copartners in my woe : no ease but anguish , my distresses finde , h●re lies a man ; his l●st liv●s breath doth blow : and ere the sorry man be fully dead , the rats doe prey upon his face or head . whilst thus i languish in my woes , appeares time in his man●l● , looking fresh and bl●●he : yet whiles his eyes did shed some drops of teares , wherewith he seem'd as he would whet his ●●the . quoth time by m●●shall sorrowes be appeased . and now 's the time thou shalt of cares be eased . i did present this booke which i did writ , into times hands , who tooke it and perused it : yea , but saith time , thou must discover yet : who this dog is , who else will be excused . for able i so clear'd thine eyes to see him , so may not others , yet time would have all flye him . and for thy verses covertly disclose , the secret sense , and yet doth shadow truth : explaine this blacke dog , who he is in prose , for more apparant , then thy poem sheweth . truth needs no colours , then this dog by kinde . make knowne before , as he is knowne behinde . my sythe , quoth time , is now prepar'd to cut , there is no sith●●●t times shall longer dure : newgates blacke dog , must time to silence put , i le br●●ke his teeth , and make his biting sure . the sh●●es of m●●● on dogs of cruell kinde , time shall confound , that beare so bad a minde . haue thou no doubt , but time shall set thee free , and 〈◊〉 h●r●after learne ●hee to beware , of 〈◊〉 blacke dog , and doe his dangers flee , g●ve oth●rs w●rning , least like fall their share . s●● to 〈◊〉 world , when thou ●rt freed from hell , newgates blacke dog thou saw , and knew too well . and for thy poem drawes to a conclusion , times pl●●s●re is , that thou this dog expresse : i● shape , in n●tur● , man : yet mens confusion . a madding c●r , who doth from kinde regr●sse . a mothers sonne , and most for to be wondred , of mothers sonnes ; this dog hath spoyl'd a hundred . in lowly sort , complaine to highest ●owers , truth will be heard , and truth must not be hid : with for like wiles , this dog poore soules devoures , this dog of me● , desipher i thee bid . and though there be curs many of his kind● , say but the truth , and yet leaue nought behinde . when time had said , i from my feare awake yet had i writ what premises containes : i was no illusion mov'd me this poem make , but griefes indured , and woes my heart sustaines . greefe , care , and woe , my silly heart doe clog , fettered to shame by this cur newgates dog. now as i haue describ'd him in some sort , as he is fearefull vnto all him see : his devillish practises given to report , and set them downe , as wicked as they be . here ends my poem , newgates blacke dog by name , as it deserues either commend or blame . finis . the sonne of the rogue, or, the politick theefe with the antiquitie of theeves : a worke no lesse curious then delectable / first written in spanish by don garcia ; afterwards translated into dutch, and then into french by s.d. ; now englished by w.m. de sordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. english garcía, carlos, doctor. 1638 approx. 188 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 141 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2004-03 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a01433 stc 11550.4 estc s4312 24135992 ocm 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(eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a01433) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 27231) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1475-1640 ; 1817:5) the sonne of the rogue, or, the politick theefe with the antiquitie of theeves : a worke no lesse curious then delectable / first written in spanish by don garcia ; afterwards translated into dutch, and then into french by s.d. ; now englished by w.m. de sordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. english garcía, carlos, doctor. w. m. (william melvin) [10], 253 [i.e. 271] p. printed by i.d. for michael sparkes and are to [be] sold in green-arbor, london : 1638. translation of: desordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. translated by william melvin. signatures: a⁶(-a1) b-m¹² n⁴. numerous errors in paging. title in ornamental border. imperfect: print show-through and tightly bound with slight loss of print. reproduction of original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english 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and vagabonds -fiction. 2003-12 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2003-12 aptara keyed and coded from proquest page images 2004-01 olivia bottum sampled and proofread 2004-01 olivia bottum text and markup reviewed and edited 2004-02 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion the sonne of the rogve , or the politick theefe . with the antiqvitie of theeves . a worke no lesse curious then delectable ; first written in spanish by don garcia . afterwards translated into dutch , and then into french by s. d. now englished by w. m. london , printed by i. d for michael sparkes and are to sold in green-arbor , 1638 the preface to the reader . mens naturall inclination is alwayes prone and addicted to so great rashnesse , that though vice of it selfe is so abominable & blame-worthy , notwithstanding there be too many who openly praise it , and account it their honour to practise it . thence it cōmeth to passe that theft , being a pernicious vice and forbidden by the lawes , doth not cease to be followed by many , who to defend themselves from the reproaches which may be laid against them , alleage that the lacedemonians a people very severe and just , permitted the use thereof to their youth ; that the aegyptians held those for able men that could steal best . that for the same subject the poets in their writings have bragged of the subtilty of mercurius , and of the cunning of the goddesse laverna who was the theeves patronesse . briefly , that this profession is made commendable by the crafty trickes of many that have exercised it , such as were prometheus the father of deucalion , cacus and autolicu● , the one the son of vulcan and the other of mercurie , arsaces king of the par●hians , denis tyrant of sici●ie , the emperour nero , leo sonne of constantine copronimus , fulvius , flaccus censor , ninus king of aegipt , to whom iustin ascribeth the invention of so fine a trade , and a great many others with wh● the books of authors are filled . to which we may adde , that even the most understanding men are not free from this vice , 〈◊〉 it be eertaine ( as saith simplicius ) that the prince of the peripatetiques ( aristotle ) stole that which he hath from the most excellent of those that went before him . that virgil drew all his richest inventions from homor , hesiod and theocritus , and that cicero boldly furnish● himselfe with the doctrine of the stoiques academiques and epicures . but for all this , it cannot be but that naturall reason must put downe all these vaine opinions , because according to aquinas , theft is quite cōtrary to that love which we owe to our neighbours , and with-all to gods law and mans law. and to this effect beside that in exodus and leviticus it is expresly forbidden , it is yet also detested by the apostle s. paul , where speaking to the ephesians he saith , let him that stole steale no more : but let him rather labour and worke with his hands . also the people of old taking notice of this truth ordained against theeves severall● sorts of punishments , especially the grecians & the athenians , as ludovicus vives doth very we● observe , who saith that the emperor frederick the third was the first that condemned them to the gallies : ovid speakes to this purpose that scyron one of the renowned theeves of his time was thrown head-long into the sea by theseus , procrustes kill'd by hercules and sysiphus cut in peeces . virgil that pedant balista was stoned for his thefts ; and the divine arious , that the king agrement caused brunellus the cunningest thiefe that ever was to be hang'd for having boldly stollen ang●licus ring and scripants horse . i passe all the other examples that i might alleage : to tell you in a word , good reader , that this booke discourseth not here so much of the antiquitie of theeves and of their cunning slights , as to teach thee to eschew them , for if it be true that he wounds of darts which are foreseene from farre , are not so hurtfull as those which are shot at us unawares . i assure my selfe that the reader will use it as an instrument to avoide the snares which leud fellowes ordinarily lay for honest men , farewel . the antiqivtie of theeves chap. i. in which the author compareth the miseries of prison to the paines of hell. the terror of hell which is set forth to us in holy writings , doth so resemble to us the miseries which are endured in prison , that if this had not that hope which th' other wanteth we might attribute unto it the title of a true hell , seeing that in this which is most proper to them , the one and the other haue a mutuall and full correspondence , which maketh me to wonder much at the vnprofitable diligence with which some late writers distill their brain 's to finde the meanes how they may properly represent unto the world the horrour of that terrible mansion , when they might have attained to the end of their purpose in shewing onely the desperate life which people suffer in prison , which shall be perfitly knowne with its extreame miserie , if first of all we particularly treate of the torments which are perpetually exercised in hell. the authors , who write upon this subject , bring the paines of hell to two points ; the first and chiefe of which is their depriving from the essence of god , which they call essentiall paine , it being that , which properly containeth all the torments that can be imagined in hel. and that same is so extreame and so cruell , that if the soule had in the other world as many pleasures and contentments as the thought of man could imagine , being deprived of god , it could not have any thing which had one onely shadow of comfort . because that god being the roote and the fountaine of all goodnesse , and all contentments and delights , which are in ●he world being stored up in him alone , it is evident that with him the soule shall have all consolation which is possible to be imagined and that without him it shall be plunged into a bottomlesse depth of sorrow & confusion , with which and with the certainty that it hath , that its griefes shall never be ended , it curseth its being , its birth and its life . the other paine which the damned suffer in hell is the accidentall paine , so called because it is joyned to the former as an accident , which serveth to make the apprehension of the damned more sensible , throwing them headlong into the bitter sight of their miserie . to this is joyned the detestable companie of divells , the horrible and frightfull lodging , the● severall kindes of torments , the continuall lamentations , the disorder , the confusion , the fire , the brimstone , the darkenesse and a thousand other afflictions , of which , and of the depriving of gods being and presence , that wretched and perpetuall hell is composed . and as touching the varietie of officers , that beare rule in this darke dungeon ; wee know already that in that great battell which saint michael th' archangell had against lucifer , for the throne and the glory of the creator , not onely the same lucifer fell from heaven , and from the highest of his perfection to the lowest and hollowest gulfes of hell ▪ but also a great number of evill angells with him , who were copartners with him in his rash and accursed purpose . and these although they do equally partake with him in the paine essentiall , which is being deprived of god , have neverthelesse some difference amongst themselves : whether it be that everyone is of one kind , as saith a doctor of the church , or whether for that they had more or lesse consent in his malice . because that without doubt those who obstinatly defended the pride of lucifer fell with him into the deepest place of the earth which is the center of the the world where divines doe place hell. and those who were not so vehement ; but onely approved his purpose with a certaine and determinate fellow-liking , fell not so low : i will say that the accidentall paine of them was not so great as that of these others . and of this sort the accidentall paine of these spirits was made severall according to the degrees of the malice which they had in their sinne . and though that in hell there is no order , as iob saith ; there is notwithstanding a certaine government and order among these spirits vnder-placed and divided into severall companies with diverse degrees and qualities . so as the good angells in the heavenly ierusalem are divided by their order into angells , archangells , thrones , powers , cherubins , seraphins , and other holy dignities . all the legions of divel● which fell from heaven remained subject to the arch-angell michael , who hath commandement and empire over them all . as also according to some mens opinions , every good angell of princes hath commandement over one legion . and beside the obedience which all of them owe to saint michael , as to their captaine generall vnder god , they have also among them their prince of malice , to whom they are subject and obey , and upon him depend diverse liev●tenants and governors , who wholly divide the governement of all the hellish malice , every one of them having vnder his charge the disposing and good order of his band . neither lesse nor more than in a well ordered campe , where there is a great multitude of souldiers , the body of the armie is divided into severall regiments , as are the generall , the camp-master , captaines , ensignes , sergeants ; corporalls and others of this sort , who order the souldiers and the armie . and as there are sundry offices of these , some being foot● ▪ others horse , some musqueters , others pikemen , and finally of severall employments : there are also among the evill spirits severall offices and places , some tempting by covetousnesse , others by riotousnesse , others by ambition , and finally● every particular sinne hath its appointed and determinate officers , having all of them equally ; one onely end and scope to carrie soules to hell. in this divellish armie there are some div●ls , that never come out of hell , but are evermore shut up within it , receiving the soules which enter in thither , and giving to them a place and kinde of torment which their sinnes deserve . there are others who are ever wandring , c●mpassing the earth to and fro , and searching for soules to carrie them into hel. neverthelesse let no man thinke that these have any power o● authoritie to beare away one soule to hell , nor these others to shut up in their darke dennes , vnlesse it be by the expresse commandement and particular commission of god. and so much concerning these hellish officer● . as for its largenesse , it is such , that all sorts of sinfull soules enter into hell , and it is ordinarily full fraughted and peopled with blasphemers , perjur'd persons , murtherers , adulterers , envious persons , and to conclude with all sorts of evill-doers : who although they have in common the essentiall paine , which is the wanting of god , and are all of them in hell , yet they have severall roomes and torments according to everie ones deserving , sithence it is certaine that the paine of him that oweth little shall not be so great at all as the paine of him that oweth much , and that the just iudge chastiseth and recompense●h every one according as he deserveth . to all this varietie is added the extreme confusion of hell , the disorder , the vnquietnesse , the vnrulie cariage , and con●in ualagitation , with which they are alwaies tormented , seeing it is evident , that where rage and despaire reigneth , there can be no friendly fellowship nor agreement . this estate , practise & disposition of the horrible pit of this hellish lodging is the lively pourtraict of that desperate life , which men suffer in prison , in which the beholder shal find so in tire & so mutuall a correspondence that there is not almost any other difference between them but in the name . because that first to the essentiall paine of hel , which is the depriving of gods powerful presence , the want of liberty hath correspondence , which with a just ●i●le we may cal a paine essentiall , for so much as it is the queen of al the apprehēsions & motives of sorrow , which are able to afflict a good wit. and as in that , the soule being deprived of god , it is also deprived of all worldly pleasures , even so in this ( to wit in prison ) it enjoyeth not any thing which hath the least shadow of content . because that although a prisoner were clothed with purpurple , served as a king , fed with the most delicate vitailes of the world , his chamber hang'd with cloth of gold , that hee were entertained with all sort of musicke , visited by his parents and friends , all this , nor all that could be desired more could bring him any kinde of comfort . on the contrary he should have lesse , because that all things availe nothing but to awaken his appetite and make him desire that which others enjoy , and to which he cannot attaine . whenceproceedeth the increasing of his want ( of libertie ) and consequently his paine . the harshnesse and force of depriving ( of libertie ) may be easily , known by its contrarie , this being infallible that the depriving of one thing shall be by so much evill as the possession of it shall be good . and libertie being the most precious iewell of the soule , and the greatest perfection , which the vnbounded author of this , hath engrafted in the reasonable creature ; it is certaine that the depriving thereof shall be the most crosse and vnsufferable of all others . that libertie is that which guideth and directe●h mans actions to diverse ends , without enforcing them and with pleasure , choosing , and commanding , experience teacheth this , in which the supreme work-master would distinguish man from other living creatures , whose end obtaineth by a naturall instinct , which leadeth them , as by a bridle , to the appetite and delight in it , and that it is so powerfull , and maketh man so absolute , that his vnderstanding having proposed the good , the perfect , the honest and the delectable , he may resolve with himselfe to love it or not to love it at all , sith that none but god may aske a reason of this so absolute commandement , naturall philosophie telleth it . whence and from many other reasons , which i could bring , it is clearely perceived that there is not any thing in the world , to which the essentiall paine of hell can more properly be compared , than to the depriving of libertie , seeing it bringeth man to such extremitie , that he abhorreth himselfe , his being , his ranke , and his estate . he knoweth well this truth which i write , who hath sometimes beene in prison , laded with chaines and with irons , subject to the rage of that terrible abode , cursing ( though noble and well borne ) his being , his condition and noblenesse , grieving to be that which he is , and wishing to be a great deale meaner . in midst of which despaire hee envieth the peaceable condition and tranquillity , of the commons , and could wish to have beene borne of the most base dregs of the people . he curseth his actions and his studies , the points of honour which his parents taught him , the vnderstanding which he hath , thinking with himselfe , that if he were a privat man , he should not at all see himselfe in so miserable and so extreame a perplexitie , and that this would not be litle enough for him , if despaire left him amongst the folke of that same sort and nature : but it goeth on refining and consuming him in the fire of impatience , in such sort , that it draweth him out of his reasonable being , and bringeth him to that of a brute beast , and to the most base and infinite kindes of them , that groaning for libertie , he envieth the bird that flieth , the dog that barketh , the pismire that travelleth , and desireth to be one of them . and the venome of this fierce beast stayeth not there , for tying harder the cords of a poore prisoner , it draweth him out of the ranke and file of living creatures , making him desire to be a tree , an image or a stone , bringing him to nothing , and making him bewaile that ever hee was borne in the world . by which it is clearely seene that the want of liberty making so unhappy a change in man , as to throw him headlong from the highest & most perfect of his inclination and appetite , to the basest and lowest , and from the image and likenesse of god , to nothing ; this is the most strong and most rigorous paine that can be imagined , and that which truely doth better represent the essential paine of hell. to the accidentall paine doe correspond the innumerable afflictions and calamities , which follow the depriving of libertie , amongst which are the stinke of the prison , the disorderly frame of the buildings , the defamed companie , the continuall and huge lewd voices , the diversitie of nations , the differing humors , the shame , the persecution , the difgrace , the mocquerie , the crueltie , the blowes , the torments , the poverty and the miseries without number , which are suffered in prison , of the which , and of other depriving of libertie the lively patterne of hell is framed and composed . as touching the executioners and officers , no man will deny but that all the earth is full of incarnat divells , more obstinate and more accursed in their kinde than those of hell , the most part of them being fallen , as lucifer and his followers , from the heaven of honour . i will say that for the deserving , and sinnes which they have committed , the angell saint michael , who is the iustice , hath drawne them from the fellowship and dwelling of the good , and they seeing themselves beaten downe and dishonoured , have taken vpon them the office of divels , to avenge themselves of the poore innocent soules , running day & night thorow the streets , markets and publike places of the citie , smelling out and searching for people to lay them in prison . and these are they who commonly are called sergeants , who drag a poore man to prison with such rage and tyrannie , as these in the perpetuall hell could not utter more . and if we be able to find any difference betweene them , it is this , that the divells of hell fly from the signe of the crosse ; but those of the prison love , reverence and adore that happy signe , in such sort , that hee who would deale well with them , and somewhat turne their rigour into a litle pitie , it is necessarie that hee have alwayes the crosse in his hands , for at what time hee shall leave it , they will torment him ten times more than his sinne can deserve : but they having met with him , they say a pater noster for the soule which they take , untill they come to da nobis bodie , and they goe not at all any further . these divells are those who walke commonly through the streetes , and places of the citie , seeking for soules in the most secret corners , the multitude and trade of whom is so great , that i doe n●● thinke there are more legions of divels in hell , than there be sergeants in the common-wealth . amongst them there be some that goe on horsebacke , who have charge to travell into the countrey , unto places farre remote from the citie , and to bring men into prison from places most solitarie and quiet . these , for that they being of a more haughtie nature than the others , we may call orientalls from the region of fire , and these are called archers or messengers , the legion or companie of whom hath for their chieftaine or captaine a great divell whom they call provest . there are other divels in this hell , the i●feriors of the aforenamed , who goe ordinarily by tens or twenties in a companie , disguised and masked , to spie if they can catch one poore soule by treacherie , they are so cowardly so effeminate and dastardly , that they meete sometimes to the number of fortie and all to take one man , and yet they dare not adventure to take him their selves alone , without the assistance and aide of a divell with a long gown , who vsually accompanieth them . they goe alwayes atter'd , torne and naked , and this is the lowest and most infinite legion of all as the hob-goblins vnder ground , whom the people have beene accustomed to call apparitors . every legion of these divells have an infinite number of halfe-divells who goe disguised and covered through the citie , taking notice of all that is done there , with great subtiltie and craft . they take and change every day a thousand formes and shapes , shewing themselves in every companie in a severall manner ; at one occasion going like countrey-men , in an other like strangers , by & by of one profession , and by and by of another . these are they who with great sleight and subtiltie discover the price , after the same manner as the lying dogs doe the partridges , bringing the aforesaid divels to the proper place of the soule , which they would take , and pointing it out as with the finger : and these we call spies , and amongst them they are called recorders . there be other divels , who are esteemed more noble and more courteous , whose office is to repeale penalties , commissions , requests , to baile a soule , and to take the burthen on themselves , answering for it every time that the iudge asketh for it . and though it be in their keeping , they give it alwayes time and place to solicite its owne affaires , to visite its iudges , and to pleade its cause , vsing with it some pitie and friendship . finally they have a nature mingled with goodnesse and malice , and they are betweene divels and angels , whom by reason of the familiaritie which they have with man , wee may call them airie divells ; and these the common people call doore-keepers . all these aforesaid divels , & others whom i leave to mention for avoiding prolixitie , are found in the world , every one of whom goeth severall waies , leading soules into the hell of prison , & all of them , after the manner of evil spirits are divided into divers legions and troopes . yet notwithstanding they torment not the soules because they enter not into hell themselves , onely they deliver them to lucifers lievetenant the iayler , & returne incontinent vnto their walke ; for to give up their account to their captaine , of the tentations which they have practized that day , and of the number of soules which they have carried that day to prison , every one of them reckoning up the inventions & wiles which he hath practized in his hellish office. there be also other divells which never go out of the prisō , nor have any other imployment , but to torment the poore soules which enter in thither . and those are so tyrannous , so cruel & so wicked , that they satisfie not their inraged hunger but by sucking the bloud , & the life of the poore captive that fals among their hands : albeit they suffer him to breath so long ; while they have emptied his purse . and these be the under porters & servants of the iayler , who , as a president of that dreadfull dwelling , receives the prisonner from the hands of the sergeant and writes in his booke the day of his entring , his accusation , his name and the name of that divell that hath taken him . these shut-up divells have no power nor authoritie to torment a soule which the others do bring in , nor these others to take them , but by the command of iustice declared by some honourable officer , who with reason and truth by a signed writing chargeth these uncleane spirits to take such a soule . as for the rest it may well be proved that every sergeant hath power to leade a man to prison , even so as every divell may beare a soule to hell , seeing that there ordinarily entreth thither an infinite number of prisoners , and every one imprisoned by his severall iudge : some answer before a iudge with a long gown , others before one with a short gown , without reckoning , many other officers of iustice , who as good angels have authoritie and power to exercise it , who have their appointed and praticular divels , who execute their commandment and will. as touching the diversitie of the lodgings and places of their abode , the curious shall see many differing in the prison , every one fitted for the prisoners delight . for hee who is not criminall , and who is noble is usually lodged in the lightsomest chambers and neatest contrived : but understand that the noblenesse of a prison consisteth in a good purse . those that be of a meaner qualitie & deserving are fitted in certain darke & black chambers , where smoke and cinders continually bearesway . the prison hath yet this property of hel , to take in all sort of sinners & criminals , being usually peopled , and full of theeves , russians , cut-purses , panders , whoores , murtherers , perjured men , bankrupts , cheaters , usurers , & sorcerers , in as great varietie as the living creatures that entered into noahs arke , so that entry is not denied nor the gate shut against any . of this remarkeable variety the confused multitude of a prison is composed with a thousād other circumstances which accompanie it , which because it is altogether disorderly & without bounds i shal not be able to reduce it to one terme or name , nor to give it a definition which universally comprehendeth all the miseries of this dreadfull dwelling , if the curious reader will not be contented with the analogie and proportion which it hath with the perpetuall hell. the which being supposed as a thing most proper to a prison , we shall be able to describe it by its properties & by experience , saying , that a prison is no other thing but a land of calamitie ▪ a dwelling of darkenes , a habitation of miserie or an eternall horrour inhabited without any kind of order . it is a confused chaos without any dis●inction , it is a bottomles pit of violence which hath nothing that is in its own center , it is a tower of babylon where all speake and none heare , it is a medley against nature , in which is seene the peace and agreement of two contraries , mingling the noble with the infamous , the rich with the poore , the civill with the criminall , the sinner with the just , it is a communaltie with agreement ; one whole by accident , a composition without parts , a religion without orders or lawes , and a body without a head . the prison is the grave of noblenesse , the banishment of courtes●e , the poyson of honour , the center of infamie , the quintessence of disparagement ; the hell of good wits , the 〈◊〉 of pretences , the paradise of cousenage , the martyrdome of innocence , the cloude of truth , the treasure of despaire the fining-pot of friendship , the wakener of rage , the baite of impatience , the mine of treasons , a den of foxes , the refuge of vengeance : the punishment of force , and the headsman of life . there he that yesterday was great , to day is meane ; hee that was happy in the city , now starveth there ; he that was richly clad , is starke naked , he that commanded , obeyeth ; he that had his court full of caroches and rich saddles , findeth not now one more to visite him . there civilitie is turned into insolence , courage to subtiltie ▪ ●●amelesse outfacing into vertue , blasphemie into valour , flattery into eloquence lyes to truth , silence to noise modestie to boldnesse , knowledge to ignorance , and order to confusion : and to end the miserie of that unluckie place : i conclude in saying that it is a forrest full of wilde beasts , in which the one teareth the other , eating his heart and drinking his bloud , so that no scruple of conscience , feare of god , suspition of love , compassion or other respect whatsoever which can have any shadow of vertue or of goodnesse is able to hinder them . there one weepeth and another singeth , one prayeth and another blasphemeth , one sleepeth , another wal●●eth , one goeth out , another commeth in , one is condemned , another absolved , one payeth , another demandeth , and finally one shall hardly finde two of one exercise and will. one will be eating in a corner , another will pisse behind him : and in the middle of them another shall pull off his shirt and strip himselfe starke naked . every one is imployed in his particular exercise , they not having any other houre or time appointed for that save their will , which being disordered , free in its actions , produceth them without any let or shame . in that which concerneth the sustenance of life , there is no order kept there among them , because that hunger is their appetite , their time of meales alwayes , their table the bare board , their sawce the nastinesse and filthy stinke , and their musicke sneesing and belchings . the hangings of their chambers are all mourning , with some borders of spiders-cloth ( cobwebs ) , their seates the ground or some stone greased with two inches of fat bacon . the dishes where they eate are alwayes enemies to cleanlinesse , to serve for a pot-lid and other vses more base , and for spoones they are served with five fingers spotted like iasper , and having their nailes of a huge length . as for their drinke , the industrie of man teacheth them to make a pit in the top of their hat , and to drinke in it more grease than wine . and if peradventure there be found among them a pot or kettle , it shall be , according to the order and custome of the prison , batter'd without a handle , nor without vernish , and hath past the first yeare of apprentiship , and hath beene vsed in the most base offices , serving for a pisse-pot , for a flagon , for a vineger bottle , for an oile-pot and a bason . as for napkins , they take their skirts , or the outside of their breeches , and for a table-cloth the wrongside of a poore old cloake , threed-bare and fuller of beasts than that linnen cloth which s. peter saw in da●ascus . in their garments they keepe a great uniformitie , going all of them clothed after the manner of lent , and with s. austins habite , but so tatter'd and pucker'd , and so fitted to the passions and necessities of their bodies , so that without breaking their cod-piece point they want not a perpetuall loosenesse to satisfie their flux of the belly . they live apostollically , without scrip without staffe and without shooes , having nothing superfluous nor double : contrariwise there is so great simplicitie that they cover all their body with one only shirt , whereof many times they have no more save the sleeves , and they never leave it off till it can go alone of its owne accord . if momu● should come into the prison he could finde nothing to reprove them for , because one may see them to the very intralls . the combe , tooth-pickers , brush , handkerchiefe , looking-glasse , sope-balls are banisht from this place : of which povertie groweth so great an abundance that in their head , beard , stomack & flanck●s a camell might be hidden . we cannot say that there is any kinde of vices in the prison , because that idlenesse the mother of them hath no entrie there , because they are all carefull and watchfull to search for that which is necessarie for life : and their overplus time they spend in exercising themselves on diverse instruments of musicke having the itch for the mistresse of that vertue . they have also their appointed houres for the military art , in the which they fight with their bodily enemies , whence they retire evermore with the victorie , bearing continually for triumph & trophees the bloud on their nailes . they live in evangelicall hope never troubling themselves with the care of that which they should eate or drinke to morrow . their ordinarie comfort is the faith and hope which they have to come out of prison one day , and put an end to their miseries . with this comfort they live , ever dying , putting cataracts and deceiveable imaginations before the eyes of their reason . and if by chance the time of their imprisonment endeth , and iustice giveth assent that some one of them goe forth , then the divell is so carefull and so watchfull troubling and quelling his libertie , that it seemeth to him there are no gates through which hee can get out . one withholds him asking a debt thirtie yeares old , another the succession of one of his grandfathers , and another sheweth a band more ancient than the deluge . and when his diligence and meanes have delivered him from his enemies without , these within doores begin to thunder out another song , for one demandeth of him five shillings which he lent him eleven months ago , another that should pay for a pot which he brake to him , another draweth forth a bill of reckoning , asking him for ten eggs and a sallet which he paid for him . this man demandeth that he should pay him the good-morrow's which he hath given him , another the good nights , one askes his cap , another his doublet , another his shooes and all lay hold upon him . and when he escapeth this importunate swarm of bees , these tunes begin to deafe his eares ; the iayler demands of him the rights of the prison , his entrance , his going forth , and the time that he hath tarried there , for his sleeping , his talking , his eating , his sneesing and his coughing , and all the time that he hath lived within there , making more scores in his booke than an astrologer on the erecting of an horoscope . and when he hath given him that which he demands of him without reason , he askes his gloves , his iayle fees , his slippers , his old shooes and a coife for the maide-servant . the dog askes him to pay for his watching and barking that he hath kept for him while he slept , the cat for the paines she hath taken to cleare his chamber from mice and rats , one pulls him on this side and another on that , and all catch hold of him like briers , while they have left him dry , pluckt bare , throng'd and as naked as his mother bare him . this in briefe termes , is the miserable practise of thi●● living patterne of hell , with all its circumstances , in every one of which there 〈◊〉 matter enough to make 〈◊〉 long and profound discourse ▪ that the reader may be● thinke himselfe hereof , that being affrighted at the hardnesse thereof , he may avoide the dangerous inconveniences which are presented every day to a man as long as he is at libertie : for if he fall once into the divels hands , and beforced to passe through the wicket of hell , though his cause were his protector , he should waite for s. michael ; and if iustice were his protector , he should ever remaine burnt with the marke of hell , into which who so once entereth , hee leaueth the best thing that he hath amongst pluto's hands . and albeit that hee enter there fuller and richer than the queene of saba when she came to see king salomon , he shall come forth more lanke , more drie and more feeble than the seven kine that pharaoh saw in his dreames . chap. ii. of a pleasant discourse whic● the author had in prison with a famous theife . to the end that none be deceived with this proverbe which ▪ most men hold for a maxime , when they say , that all noveltie is well pleasing ; because that albeit logicke should not condemne this proposition as false , experience would discover its deceit : for i doe not thinke that there is any one in the world that hath found the prison pleasant , even at the first time that he entred therein . i may say of my selfe , that when i was there , though it was new to me i found not any thing that i liked ; on the contrarie , the pleasure which novelties bring with them was turned into notable admiration and extreame paine , seeing that which willingly i would not have seene , and talking of that which lea●● pleased me . i spent the first dayes even as all those , who enter into that place have beene accustomed to passe them , which is to con●ider the lodgings , to be vexed at the companie , and to shun the familiar conversing with the prisoners . and i might have past all the time of my imprisonment in such like employment , if it had lien in my power to do it , because that the companie invited me not to acquaint my selfe . but the necessitie being accompanied with exceeding great curiositie which prisoners have , when any one entereth newly into prison , tied me to frame my selfe to the usuall fashion of these people , from whom i had a sufficent report of the subjects and qualities of that habitation , without other paines-taking than to give them the hearing , because that by it a discreete man shall know moe sins in foure dayes than a confessor in a hundreth yeares . in the conclusion with a faire shew and some pieces that i had in my purse i purchased the good will of all the rable , in such sort , that there was not any man of what ranke soever who did not esteem much of me , & participated not with me the most inward of his conscience . but the continu●ll companie of this tedious● conversation troubled me , in such sort that i was not mine owne , nor had i the libertie to spend one quarter of an houre by my selfe alone . so lessayed by a thousand meanes to ridde my selfe from the head-strong importunities of those undiscreet people , but it was not possible for me to free my selfe , without taking the office that i had got over them . wherefore i was desirous to trie , if in this martyrdome , seeing i deserved no such thing , i could finde some pleasure to divert my minde and entertaine them . so continuing my no lesse accustomed than troublesome occupation , sitting one day upon a bench which was in the chappell of the prison , in the companie of three or foure of these gallants , hearing some difficulties , whereof they were come to consult with mee upon the ten commandements , i heard the echo of a sorrowfull voyce , which called me pitifully . all the standers by were amazed ; one of them ranne to be informed of this vnlooked-for newes , but the speedy hast of him , which sought for me , prevented the curiositie of him who was gone out to know the newes ; for ●carsty had we heard the voyce , when after it , entred at the doore one of my religious followers ( held in great esteeme amongst those people who were none of the holiest ) with his colour changed , his virage bathed with teares , without a hat , his 〈◊〉 crossed , sighing and be serching with great 〈◊〉 the companie , that they would let him be alone with me , amplifying his request by the 〈◊〉 of th●se , as the pricipall 〈◊〉 of mishap . they departed the place , and he seeing himselfe alone and with freedome to discover his thoughts to me , without any other preface , preamble , advertisement or courtesie , he said to me . sir , to day is my feast day , and they have made me a gift of a clarke of a harbour , with a cardinalls hat : what remedie shall i be able to finde for so great a mischiefe . verily this darke speech of his words , together with the manner of telling it , held mee somewhat in doubt , because i knew not how to comment upon so vncouth a language followed with so many fights and groanes . neverthelesse making 〈…〉 these words and already guessing that which it might be , i beleeved that he had got this hat at some pot of wine and that out of the abundance thereof this noble dignitie had climed up to the head . so smiling i said to him : my friend , the post that hath brought you this newes , is he of a douzen or of twentie ? it is not of twelue , nor offoure , unhappy man that i am ! answered he , for i am not drunke , nor ever was i in all my lifetime , and would to god that all the world were so retired in this action as i am : but as the proverbe saith , some have the name , the others have the eff●ct . and you doe not well to make a poore unhappie wretch that askes your counsell in his extreame affliction . his answer to the purpose redoubled my astonishment , and not being able to hit at that which this might meane , i said to him somewhat in anger ; make an end then to relate to me the cause of your paine , and hold me no more in doubt with your darke speeches or ridles . now i know , sir , said he , that yee have not studied martiall tearmes , nor you vnderstand not as yet galunatias his stile , so it will be hard for you to vnderstand the comming together of two solide bodies with the perspective of red flowers in a white field . from this second answer i fully resolved that hee was not drunke , but foolish , and as to such a one , i agreed with him to all that he said , although i vnderstood him never a whit . and taking the subject to reason with him upon the same reasons , i asked him , who made him a cardinall and why ? to which he answered me thus . you should understand that some officers of the three and of the five of topo & tango vpon the seventh and the goe met me one sunday at midnight and finding me with the 〈◊〉 de bastons the lot would that they should run a hazard , and i remained with the money . they were deceived , and desiring to revenge their wrong , they went to scipion , declaring an vniversall head which they had seene in my hands , upon which they made long ●●●ormations by the signe●●● 〈…〉 : and at the end of a rigorous examination which they had of me , they found mee not good enough to be pope , they left me the office of a cardinall . you ought to account your selfe happy , i answerd him , having so great a dignitie , seeing that few obtaine it , and these with great paines and travell . i would quite it , with all my heart , saith he , and that without pension , if any one would receive it for mee , and i would moreover binde my selfe to him to pay for the seales , because to speake the truth , it is a charge too heavy for me , and hee that gives it , hath not any good reputation among the people nor many friends in the 〈◊〉 and this is the cause that i make no great account of it ▪ and doe not thinke that in saying , that i will no wayes accept of it , i can helpe my selfe of this paine : for it is not in my power , nor in theirs who receive the like charges to be able to refuse them , sithence dignities are bestowed by deservings , and albeit that men refuse them , they are made to take them by force , that no man may refuse them nor make resistance by too great humilitie , they binde it upon him as if he were a foole . truely my friend , said i then to him ; you ought to account your selfe happy and very fortunate , for such an election ; this being supposed that it is made for deserving , and not for favour . very fortunate , saith hee , assuredly i am , howbeit an vnworthy sinner , but no wise happy , for if i were , i should not be very fortunate . with this answer i began to see clearly , that he was neither foolish nor drunke : but that dissembling hee covered his words of this his chatting , and resolute to leave him with his — i rise speaking to him some harsh words , to which hee answered with great humilitie , saying , sir i beseech you to stay your choler a litle : for it is not without a mysterie , that i have spokē to you in a riddle , and beleeve me that in this i have had no other intention , but to hide my mishaps from some — who usually watch harkning after the life of another , to report them to their copsemates . but now seeing that i can utter it to you without feare i will explaine my selfe , being well assured that a man of so good a wit as you are , will not be offended to heare my weakenesse , and will not deny me your good counsell which out of your charitie i promise to my selfe . so know that cardinall is that which to day at noone one hit mee over the shoulders : the clarke of harbour hee that receiveth such as are condemned to the gallies : those of three , are some of our companie , are some that watch the streete , when any theft is committed , and these have the third part ▪ those of five are some honorable persons , or at least held for such by th● common people , who hid● and keepe the theft in their house , and for that the fifth part is given to them . now you shall know that by misliking i being one night in a list that was made , the booty was so little , that there was not whereof to make neither fourth nor fifth , and i being the man that put himselfe in greatest danger i was willing to goe away with all , promising to redresse the bygone fault in another more gainefull occasion . those of seven ; and goe , i will tell my companions found not this satisfaction to the purpose , which i gave them , because that absolutely they would have their share i seeing that it was altogether impossible , for that i had already eaten it , turned the processe to a quarrell , and laying hold on a baton which is the as that you have heard , gave one of them a sound blow over the head ; who seeing himselfe wounded , and his companions cheated , went to s. scipion who is the major , and accused mee that i was a theife at crochet , which is an instrument where with we open all manner of doores , and following the accusation they made me be laid up in prison ▪ the lords of the court , whom we call 〈◊〉 , condemned mee to goe the accustomed rounds about the streets , and 〈…〉 to serve his 〈◊〉 in the gallies of marseilles . which execution should be made this same day at noone ; i tremble because ten a clocke is strucke already . if ye have any remedy to give me , ye will doe a great worke of mercy , because i feare that the hangman having stript mee , and finding five markes about me which were unjustly given me , doubtlesse he will make mee take a shorter journey . the wretch had proceeded thus far with the explaining of darke speech , ere ever 〈◊〉 could break off his discourse ; so great was the astonishment which his entangled met aphors left me in , & ending his story with a deep sigh , which came from his very soule , he fell halfe , dead betweene my armes . he being come 〈◊〉 himselfe againe , i began to comfort him the best i possibly could , counselling , for the last remedy to appeale to the court , hoping alwayes for more mercie , from the highest seate of justice , than from the inferior iudges scarcely had i ended my words but three or foure of his companions , dying for laughter enter'd at the chappell doore , saying to him that the newes which they had tolde him were false , and those lashes were imaginary , that it was a tricke of his enemies maliciously invented to trouble and vexe him . with this newes the poore wretch came againe so suddenly to his first estate , that save there remained some remembrance of his first taking it to heart , he cut moe than five and twenty capers in the ayre , with a thousand turnings of good liking , and his companions began to play upon him , in which he paid them home their change , with so wittie answers , that hee left me a great desire , to keepe him with me all alone , and at leasure to know at length his vocation and office , and the cleering of some obscure words which he usually mingled in his discourse ; so i intreated him , but he knowing that i had such a desire , in requitall of the patience with which i had heard him , and of the good counsell , which i had given him in his neede , he promist to give me a good account of his life , of his parents life , and the changeable successes which happened to him in his trade ; with all particulars which could be learned amongst those of his office , & having appointed me a place at two in the afternoone ; we went to dinner . chap. iii. to whom the theefe relateth the noblenesse and excellencie of theft . the good andrew ( for so hee was called ) was not at all slothfull to be at the place appointed , nor to declare to me the historie which i had requested with so great a desire : for halfe an houre before that , which wee had appointed , i found that hee waited for me with extreame impatience and so great , that almost without saluting me , hee began to relate his historie , saying . know , sir , that if from the time of your birth ye should have gone searching through all the universities of the world for some one , who with more ground , experience & le●rning then i could informe you of that which yee desire to know , it were impossible to finde him : seeing that in this which toucheth ( and let this be spoken without vanitie ) the understāding of the riddles of mercurie trismegstus , and other darke philosophers , and to be , as they say , of the right haire and feathers , i will not yeelde it to any man in the world . with this and other secrets reserved to my own onely discretion i have found out the philosophers stone and the true elixar of life , with which i turne poyson into medicine , the course cloth into cloth of gold , and hunger into fulnesse and satietie more than sufficient , without putting any thing to it of my goods , save the turning of a hand . i doe not deale as a thousand other ignorant people of our daies , who being blinded by the gainfull end which the practise of the great philosophers-stone promiseth them doe adventure rashly to spend all to finde nothing , & to vndoe a hundred thousand essences to finde one fifth both vncertaine and false , whose excesse and curiositie have none other end but infamie , miscrie and povertie , and finally a shamefull death : for as much as those who have consum'd their owne goods and the goods of their friends , to search for that which they have not found , utter their rage with strokes of hammers upon the seven mettals , which are the cause of their overthrow . and which is worse , with all the tryalls and vnhappie ends of alcumists , there is not any man to whom curiositie will not awaken the appetite , and provoke the will every time that he heareth any man talke of this arte . mine is not of this kinde , and therefore lesse subject to the fancies and idle imaginations of gebor arnaut , raymond lully and other great advancers of the arte , whose knowledge consisteth in not to be understood ; it is easie , plaine and without any mixture neverthelesse he who he● will that shall exercise it , it is necessarie that hee be wise , prudent and well advised , because that wanting or failing in one whatsoever it be of these things , a man shall easily lose in an instant all that he hath gained in all his life . this noble art also hath not aristotles principles , because that as well he as all others that follow him , imagined that nothing could be made of nothing : this being true that in this our art , all things are made of nothing ; and if we may attribute any principle of them which he propoundeth in his physicks , it is the pri●ation only ▪ seeing that from it alone we come to the possession of infinit wealth . as ●or our tooles , i cōfesse there are some , forasmuch as there is no trade that can be without them , but neverthelesse they are so easie & so cheape , that we well nigh make them our selves , after they are made , they last time out of minde . the ground then to busie one of our trade , is onely the good courage and sound disposition of his body and limmes , and with this alone a man becommeth his crafts-master , without any other ornament — and doe no● think that this art , having so poore a beginning as nothing , is shamful or infamous , for it is the most noble , the absolute and the most priviledged of all those that are in the world , so farre forth that acknowledgeth nor respecteth neither king nor knave , nor careth it for all the monarchs of the earth , nor for the ecclesiastike power , nor for the secular : but rather all pay tribute and travels for him . its fields are fruitfull in drie grounds , it gathers the fruit without sowing , it hath no traffique with any , and demands of all , it lendeth to no body , and all are indebted to it , its harvests grow without raine , and there is not any thing whereof it taketh not the tithes . there commeth not any fleete from the indies , nor great ship from the levant , wherof of it not make shew to be partner , there is not a guine marchant , that is not its debtor , and finally , it catcheth up all . and which ought to be most valued in this pretious art , is the great ease with which it is exercised , in which it exceeds all other arts , that are till these our times found out in the world , the end of which is contrary to that of this , because that is perfected in the doing , this in undoing , and to undoe being more easie than to doe ( as the philosopher saith ) doubtlesse it is ●ut that our art is easier than all others whose end is obtained with great paines , travells and difficulties . honest andrew had proceeded further in the praises and excellencie of his trade , if i had not broke him off with an extreame impatience , the titles of honour and noblenesse which hee gave it seeming to me altogether improper , as well for that it is of it selfe imfamous , as for the innumerable dangers which usually happen to them , who undertake such like traffiques : wherefore i said to him ; i do not know , andrew , how nor by what reason you your selfe reckon up to me these arts so noble , so easie and so profitable , seeing that you have related to me the perilous extremities in which you have beene , which your povertie and calamity assure me to be of little profit & of great misery which is therein , that makes mee to marvel very much at your persevering in your unhappy trade , ere you were made wise by the experiences past . you have reason ( he answered ) and i confesse that many hazards and disgraces light upon vs , but one oxe eateth more than a hundred larks , i will say that one good encounter shoulders out many disgraces , which have not in so great number as you thinke , and though they were , it is not possible for vs to give over this trade but by death , because this art hath i cannot tell what with it , that it is like one sicke of the dropsie , who the more he drinks the more he thirsts , and of one onely act there becommeth a habite , qui difficilè removetur a subjecto , which is hardly removed from the subject . and i know wel that you wil like my doctrine well , being so learned a man as you are , seeing they are accustomed to dispute among the philosophers if this maxime of aristotle ( who saith expluribus actibus generatur habitus , of many actions is begot a habit ) be universally true . and some say that of one only action a habit may be bred , which should be understood of morall actions , and those of worser sort : i will affirme that to breede a continuall custome in sinning , one only action is sufficient : but to doe well , there is need of many . the reason is cleere , for that the will of man being disposed to sinne , because it is called fomes peccati , the fewell of sinne , and for the miseries drawen upon it in its conception , one action alone leaveth in it a certaine inward disposition with which it becommeth easie , and disposed to like actions ; but the desire being so marred , corrupt and ill disposed to receive vertue , there needeth not only one vertuous action , but many , if any disposition or custome of doing well should remaine after it . by which you may judge that albeit a thousand disgraces fall upon us it were almost impossible for us to forsake our trade , nor change our life , having already turned it into a nature , and if this should be done , it should be needfull to make the world a new againe , more or lesse all wooll is haire , we are all of us of one brothers hood , no man is content with his state , he that hath most desireth more , that which costeth little agreeth best with us , and all ( as the proverbe goeth ) like well . but mishap be to that infortunat man who payeth for all ; for as the proverb saith , the gallowes are for all such , we rubbe all men , and for those sinnes some are hang'd , others are rich ▪ happy are they who robbe hippocrates-like , i will speake as the physitians ; whose faults the earth covereth , so that no man is able to accuse them , nor aske restitution of his life , and of the money which they have publickly rob'd and in the view of all the world . and though some of these be spirituall men , others temporall , notwithstanding all meete in the same way , and shoote at one marke : for there be also horseleeches which sucke the world sweetly , and wring their necke , with a sad dumpish countenance , and a faire shew colour their ambitious designes with godly words . and for them , it is said in the proverbe , the divell is behinde the crosse. there are others also , who though they wring not the necke , nor speake so much of god , apply neverthelesse the jurisdiction of their offices in favour of him that giveth them most ; who being lap 't in long wide gownes making them to bee respected there is not a man that dare to give thē a word , nor shew by any signe the evil satisfaction that they have by them : but the wretched person that neither hath god in his mouth , nor barke wherwith to hide himselfe , if he be not very wise & prudent all the persecutions of the world hang about him at once , all men spit in his face , and he is the marke of all the abuses in the world : wherfore blame not our art before you understand it ; for you should so offend all the world & perhaps your selfe , sith no man liveth without f●ult . how much more if you knew what sweetnesse thereis to gather the fruit where one hath not planted , and to find the in gathering in his garner & in his cellar , himself having neither fielde nor vineyard , you would even licke your fingers at it . is this a smal matter i pray you , that a man riseth in the morning not having penny nor farthing , nor knowing yet whence to have it for to nourish his family , and yet ere night he is worth a hundred crownes , & knoweth not whence they came ? is this a small matter in greatest sloth and necessitie to finde apparell cut and slasht without paying either for stuffe or making ? is there any such noblenesse in the world , as to be a gentleman without rents , and to have other mens goods so his own , as that hee may dispose of them at his will , without costing him any more but to take them ? doe you thinke it a small matter to be a marchant without a stocke , to gaine two hundreth for nothing , without crossing the seas , going to faire or market , not caring if the marchant turne banque-rupt , if the yeare be barren or plentiful , if wares be deare or cheape ? and if ye will take our trade by way of reputation or credit , doth it seeme a small thing to you , to finde one who will insure us our life , whatsoever wee doe , and to have at our becke some iudges , who save us from the lash from the gallies , from torture & from the gallowes only with a single & wel-assured promise to satisfie them with the gaine of our next theft ? and that they do this not only for us , but for our friends , kindred and acquaintance ? abuse not your selfe , and acknowledge that there is no life more assured in this world than ours , for instead of one displeasure that wee have , there are infinite pleasures and contentments to be enjoyed . and 〈…〉 much for my profession and trade . chap. iiii. to him the thiefe relateth the life and death of his parents and the first disgrace that befell him . as for my race , you shall know that i am a man borne of a woman , in a town of this world , whose name i lost in a sicknesse which i had in the yeare sixe hundred and foure . my , father was called peter and my mother hope , people , though meane , honorable and vertuous , of good reputation and praise-worthy manners . and as for the goods of fortune , they were not so great , that they were able to give bribes , nor marry orphans out of their meanes , nor so meane , that they obliged themselves to aske almes , nor to subject themselves to any man , but they were people that knew how to live , and that had bread to eate , and clothes to put on . in all the course of their life there was nothing found that they could be reproched for , nor whereof they could be reproved , because they heeded no other thing ( particularly my mother ) but to keepe their honour and the good esteeme which they had gained , for which and for the freedoome and faire conditions of their proceedings and conversation , all the world honored and loved them . but as vertue is ordinarily envied , and honest people persecuted , there was no want of malicious and wicked people , who by false and rash calumnies darkned the brightnesse and glistering of their good works & the cleannes of their life . they were accused ( i say ) to have robbed a church , to have spoiled the vestrie with the ornaments and chalices , and which is worse , to have cut off s. bartholomews hand , who was upon an altar , which they said was of silver . an accusation as malicious as false , especially , for my mothers part , whose devotion towards the saints was so great , that when she went to church , if my father had not pull'd her out by the haire , or the sexton had not shut the doore against her , there was no meanes to make her come out of the church , although shee had beene three dayes without meate , and her devotion was so knowne to all the people , that she never came forth to the streete , but a thousand folke praied her to say some ave maria for women with child , sicke and other afflicted persons , having all of them great faith in her prayers . but as there are traitors enough to condemne a just man , and in this age innocency serveth to no purpose , if it be not favoured , for so much as the lawes goe as it pleaseth kings , it came to passe that notwithstanding the reproaches which they gave in against the witnesses , more than sufficient to refute the malice of the accusers , and to manifest the innocencie of the accused , they condemned them to die , and together with them a brother of mine , and my mothers nephew . verily the case was strange and scandalous , though false , and their death unjust : but whatsoever the cause i doe not envie them the profit , which let them eate with their bread , they shall not goe to rome for penance , for there is a god in the world that seeth all things , and seeing he punisheth that he will not suffer one haire of the just to perish , it belongs to him to avenge the wrong done to his servants , for so i may call them , yea even martyrs , sith they constantly , suffered death for the love of god , they being accused of faults which they had not committed . a tricke , finally that they being poore , they were constrained to pay with their life , that which they were not able with their goods . i only may praise my selfe that i found some mercie with the iudges , in consideration of my young yeares , and of the small experience that i had ; yet the favour they shewed me , was a grace with sinne : because iustice left me my life , with condition that i shuld be the executioner of these martyres . i was very unwilling and did all i could , not to commit so execrable a crime as that is , to take away their lives that had given me mine : but it was impossible to excuse me , but by losing my life with them . wherefore i considering that another would doe that , which i refused , and of the other side the perswasion of my friends who with a great charge upon my conscience , counselled me to doe it , that so the whole kindred of my parents should not be lost , and that there should remaine some one in the world who might pray for them ; i put on a resolution to doe that which for any other respect i would never have done . but this is my comfort , which is not a little one to me , that my father gave me his blessing at the houre of his death forgiving me all that i could have committed in this world , against the respect and reverence , which i owed him , giving me also some wholesome counsels , and recommending to me vertue and the feare of god , above all that i should ever strive to be like my parents and that i should shew my selfe such a one as those of whom i was descended . with these reasons and some others i remained greatly comforted , and resolved to end my prison with their life . i was left an orphan , young , alone , or ill accompanied , and without counsell , without knowing what side to turne me to , for to maintaine that life which these gentlemen had left me , because that the cockering and good cheere in which my mother had bred me , had beene the especiall cause of my undoing , shee suffering me to live idlely and lazily . neverthelesse i seeing that the memorie of the good past brought me no profit , and that if i should live and eate bread it ought to be with the sweate of my browes , i determined to looke out for a master whom i might serve , or some handie-crafts-man with whom i might learne some trade , which was all in vaine , because that the accident of my parents being in fresh memorie , and their infamie yet late , i found not one that would receive me into his house , nay not so much as to be a groome of his stable : wherefore i was forced to leave the countrey , and to goe try my fortunes in a strange countrey . what countrey is that ( i asked him then ) in which your parents dwelt , because if i be not deceived in the discourse of your relation , you have changed its right name as also its surname , and your owne ? command me not , i beseech you , answered he , to breake a solemne oath which we of our profession have made amongst our selves , which is never to reveale to any man our own● countrey , nor our parent● name , this being supposed that it availeth little to the truth of my history to know it , and though it seemeth to you that it is no my 〈◊〉 to conceale it , beleeve me you are deceived for so much that there is nothing more dangerous in our art , than to tell a mans true name , as well as of his countrey , as of his baptisme , seeing that as you know , albeit we be fallen a thousand times into the hands of iustice , and that we be as many times convicted of some crime , w●e onely changing our name , we ever make it appeare that this is the first time that we have beene taken , and the first crime whereof we have ever bin accused , and no man knowing the name of our parents , nor of our countrey they cannot be informed of our lives & manners , nor our parents receive any shame from our disgrace seeing that as you may oftentimes haue seene , when they cōdemne a man the first words of his sentence say ; such a one , of such a place , the son of such a man & such a woman is condemned to be whipt or hanged such a day , moneth and yeare , from which proceedeth nothing else , but sorrow to him that dyeth , and dishonour to his parents . if this be so ( said i to him ) you have reason to hid it , & this being supposed that is not for your availe to tel it , & it availeth not me to know it , let us leave it , and follow your historie . it fell out then ( said hee ) that about foure leagues from the place of my birth , i put my selfe apprentice to a shooemaker , it seeming to mee to be the most gainfull of all trades , especially in france , where all those that walke goe at it were post , even as if iustice were running after them , and where all shooe themselves against nature , that which is contained being greater than that which containeth that is to say , the foot greater than the shooe , whence it falleth out that the shooes last a very short while . i opened then mine eyes thither and bend my minde to this trade for that beside the gaine it was the most easie . but as from my infancie my parents had taught me to rip , it was not possible for me so suddenly to change the habite which i had already , turned into nature , and so sixe weeks past ere i could learne to set one right stitch . from this ignorance my master tooke occasion to disdaine me , breaking some lasts on my head , to see if they could leave some impression beside the continuall abstinence with which hee punisht me , some of his friends having said to him that it was a singular remedie — and quicken my wit. this life seemed not good to me nor to bee desired , wherefore i resolved to forsake it , and lay out for another more peaceable , knowing particularly in my selfe some motions of noblenesse , which inclined me to things higher and greater than to make shooes , wherefore i conclude with my selfe to search all meanes possible to bring me into the house of some man of qualitie and rich , being assured that with the faire conditions and readinesse that i had , my service should be well-pleasing to my master . verily the resolution was good , and the thoughts honourable and noble ; but so lame , maime and without force for want of meanes , and apparell to set them forward seeing that it is most certaine , that if with my hands waxed , my apron and other markes of a shoomaker i should have presented my selfe at the gate of some knight , they would not have suffered me to enter this difficultie held mee some few dayes in perplexitie without knowing how to enter upon my enterprises , notwithstanding making a vertue of necessitie , being vexed at the miserable life which i led , i determined to draw physicke out of the disease , and honie from the bees stings , and endeavouring to revenge my selfe on the spanish lether and all shooe-makers . to this effect there came a notable boldnesse in my mind , yea and profitable enough and sure , if fortune who then was my enemie had not over-thrown my designes and my inventions , i considered that if i stole any thing out of the house , my shift should have beene discovered in an instant , and i as a stranger and friendlesse , beene ill dealt withall , particularly , with the hatred which my master bare towards me , & the harshnesse with which they are wont to punish houshold thefts in france . so rising on fryday morning earely than i had been accustomed , rubbing my hands with waxe and also my face , i went with my apron girt to mee , and my hands all bedawbed , to runne through all the shops of the towne , especially those that were best acquainted with my master , and telling to every one that were in the shops , that the gentleman staid at my masters for a paire of bootes of the eights , to put them on incontinent , i asked for one boote to trie if it would fit him that desired them . none made any difficultie to give me it , thinking that a man could not be served with one boote alone , otherwise the most part of the shooe-makers knew me , and these who had never seene me were in a minute so well satisfied with my presence , that if the first finder out of the trade had come , they could not have given him more credite . with this invention i went almost through all the shops of the towne , ever heeding to aske for a boote of the same size , and last that the first was of : and the invention fell out so to the purpose , and with so great ease that in halfe an houres space , i gathered me then two hundred bootes all of one size , and of one fashion , which having tied up in a sacke , i laid them on my shoulders and betooke me to the way . the fact lay dead without suspition almost two houres , but seeing that i came not backe againe , nor returned the boots which i had carried away , nor tooke that which i had left , all of them suspected that which truely fell out . and so this time being past , moe than a hundred apprentices were at the doore where i dwelt , every one asking for his boote , which my master and some few of his neighbours , who loved mee not very well , seeing they told the iustice , who dividing themselves through the three gates of the citie , met mee not very farre from one of them , because the weight of my burthen suffered me not to get out of sight as i could have wisht . they brought me backe to the towne , and proceeding against mee for the fact yet hot and fresh in minde , they condemned me to walke foure houres through the accustomed streets ( that is to be scourged ) with three yeares banishment . chap. v. of the first theefe that was in the world and whence theft had its beginning . although this noble art had no other excellency but the antiquitie of its beginning and the noblenesse of the first finder out thereof , it might suffice to the end that every good wit should approve it for to be the most noble of all those which are practized at this day in the world , the first inventour thereof was one of the fairest angells that was , whose beautie , dignitie and greatnesse was so extolled and high , that the most curious of his perfection found no other title more proper to exalt him than that of the morning starre , governour of the dawning of the day , the sun's ambassadour . this then was the first thiefe that was in the world , or before the world , if it be true that the angells were created before time , who overcome by an ambitio●s desire , adventured rashly to robbe god of his glorie . but hee was degraded because iustice tooke him in the fact , and seazing upon all the goods that hee had , condemned him to perpetuall prison , and together with him all his associats . the second thiefe that ever was in the world was our first father adam , as bold as the angell , yet not so blame-worthie for being not so malicious in his sin , and of lesse knowledge , albeit i cannot be perswaded that hee was ignorant of the obediēce , which he owed to his creator , having knowledge infused in him . neverthelesse overcome by the importunate reasons of his wife , and tormented with an ambitious curiositie hee was desirous to steale the knowledge and wisedome of god. but it fell out as badly to him as to the angell , so that his fleeing and hiding himselfe served him to no purpose , for the iudge having asked him , and he not being able to deny the fact , for that he was taken in the fault , his state of innocencie and originall justice was taken away , he and all his race remaining condemned to spend their life with sweate , travell and mishaps , and his wife to bring forth her children with sorrow . and if you aske mee why god did not equally punish these two theeves , being guiltie of treason , and having attempted one and the same kinde of theft which is the divine perfection . it was to this purpose that i have heard spoken by a great doctour and preacher of the church ; because if god had punisht man with the same rigour that hee punisht the angell withall , he had destroied an intire nature , seing that all men sinned in adam & so the world had remained imperfect . but in punishing the angell , this incōvenience followed not , because many other angels remained in heaven , and all the nature of angels sinned not , and this is the cause why god was not so severe to man as to the angels : but you shal better learn this curiositie from some other , who knoweth it better than i do . it is sufficient that those aforesaid theeves were the first that brought theft into credit in the world . and wee cannot say , that povertie and necessitie stirred them vp to steale , because the first was the noblest and mightiest of all the angells , and the second was the first of all men , king of the living creatures , and absolute lord of the earth . from thence is brought in the deceite which to the day , this world seeth , beleeving that poverty was the finder out of theft , seeing it is riches and prosperitie , because the love & desire of honour and riches groweth so much the more as it is increased , as a poet saith very well . ambition being an unsatiable fire , in which how much more wood is laid , so much the more it is inflamed , and a dropsie , in which the more one drinketh , the more hee thirsteth . even so in those great theeves , the great riches and prosperitie which they had , was the cause of their unruly appetite , and unsatiable ambition , for that they desiring that which they had not , they could not attempt any other theft ▪ but the glorie and wisedome of god , seeing they possessed all the rest . whence you shall understand , that to steale and robbe is in a sort naturall to man , and that it goeth by inheritance , and propagation in all the linage of men , and not by cunning . for if it be true that we all are partakers of adams sinne , his sin being nothing else but to robbe god of his knowledge , it is evident , that there is in vs an inclination , disposition and naturall desire to robbe and steale . from adam this profession was extended to all his posteritie , being alwayes kept on foote amongst the most noble and best qualified of all his children . so cain , as jealous of this originall vertue , would needs steale from his brother abel the grace and particular favour with which god received his oblations and sacrifices . iacob cunningly rob'd the blessing from his brother esau , and it went well with him . david the wife of vriah . achab though himselfe a rich king stole naboths vineyard . and finally nimrod by theft subdued all the inhabitants of assyria . and if leaving these and other theeves almost innumerable , which holy writing relate unto us , wee take the examples that humane histories rehearse unto us , we shall see that this singular art hath beene alwayes preserved among the nobilitie , sith paris stole helen , ravisht before that by theseus ; the same theseus stole ariadne , and iason medea . the lacedemonians , of whose policie and good government plutarch maketh honorable mention had this laudable and vertuous custome of stealing , and hee that was most cunning and subtile in that art , was in greatest account and estimation amongst them . the very mothers taught their children , while they were but little ones , to steale , holding it for an infallible point of policie , that they could never be good and brave souldiers , if they had not beene cunning and well experienced theeves . i will not tarrie now to tell the name and reputation which vircat got himselfe by his thefts , nor the renowne which crocota deserved by them in the time of augustus caesar , for i should never have done . chap. vi. the theefe followeth his historie proving that all men of what qualitie so ever are theeves . this noble profession of stealing hath evermore ( as i have said ) beene held in high esteeme amongst the greatest and best qualified men of the world : but as there is no kinde of vertue nor noblenesse , which is not envied by the vulgar , it became in time so ordinarie & common that there was not so very a butcher or porter who would not imitate the nobilitie in their thefts . whence and from the little discretion and exceeding great boldnesse that then was amongst people , it was one time so disdained and disliked that those who did openly follow it , were punished with shamefull paines and accounted infamous . but as all things of the world have their contrary weights ; time would needs finde a remedie for this abuse , seeking meanes to steale without punishment , and so disguised , that not only theft seemed not vice , but was esteemed a rare and singular vertue . to this end many brave spirits invented the diversitie of offices and charges which to this day are exercised in the world , ev●ry one of which serveth 〈◊〉 a maske or cloake to mak● his harvest and inrich himselfe with another ma● goods . and to the end tha● you may not judge my word rash , nor my proposition to● bold , runne , i pray you , ove● all states that are in the common-wealth , and you shall finde that wee all are the children of adam . for i thus argue . that man that hath an office of a thousand crownes of rent , without any other living , pension or patrimonie , & holds a house for which hee payes eight hundreth crownes a yeare , keepes a horse & two pages and a footeman , his wife and two waiting gentlewomen , his children and a master to ●ach them , who to keepe ●ll this traine hath neede ●f more then a thousand crownes every yeare , yet notwithstanding with all this charge he is found at the yeares end with two suites of apparell , free from debts & with five hundreth crownes of gaine , and yet it rained no more on his field than on other mens , nor hath he inherited any thing of any of his parents or friends . ergo a theefe . a tailer that eats more than it cost him , and at sixe yeares end gives ten thousand crownes portion in marriage with his daughter , never medling with other trade save his needle and his sheeres . ergo a theefe . a shooe-maker that keepes six prentices in his shop , and workes but foure daies 〈◊〉 weeke ; and those not wholl● at three yeares end that tw● tenements builded in th● fairest streets of the towne every one of which 〈◊〉 worth two him three hundreth pounds of yearely rent , without any other stocke , but that of his leather ergo a theefe . the cler●e who for every sheete of paper that he writes hath but a shilling , and who writes scarcely , sixe moneths of the whole yeare , which are hardly ended but hee is seene to have his velvet stooles , damaske courtains , silke-hangings , and other rich ornaments , which never came to him by heritage . ergo a theefe . of the same kinde you shal find in all offices giving you to understand , that 〈◊〉 doe not speake here of the good and honest , but of the ●ewd and baser sort , who ●linded with profit and gain ●reade under their feete the ●eare of god , the love of their neighbour , and the truth of their own cōscience ( who force the poore and ●eedy to take sixe pence for that , which they sell in their shops for twelue pence ) & it is , i say , of those by whom the evills , that i have mentioned ought to be understood . and by reason that the great attention with which you doe harken to my reasons , discovereth the desire that you have to know all that can be said upon this subject , i will shew briefly the invention and deceits which the naughtie tradesmen use for to robbe and steale . the tailer stealeth asking a third part more of cloth , then there needeth to make a sute of : and when he that putteth it out to making , presuming to be wise enough for the tailer , would be by to see it cut , he vexeth him , and casts a mist over his eyes marking foure houres along the peece and overthwart , and when hee hath at last dazeld him with a great many strokes and lines with his chalke , hee throweth a false ply under the sheeres with which at the cutting of a paire of breeches one breech abideth with him for his gain , besides buttons , silke , lace , and lynings . the linnen weaver stealeth in asking more yarne than the web hath neede of , laying fiftie ells instead of five and fortie and with the remainder of many broken threeds he pincheth out the length , which makes worth to him the eight part , all which he stealeth . the cordwainer restoreth with his teeth that which hee stealeth with his — biting and drawing thinne the leather , so that of one paire of shooes which one giveth him to make , there resteth to him at least an upper lether or a heele for a third . and if the lether be his owne , he sets on a rotten soale with rotten threed , to the end it may be the sooner spoil'd and fall off , which i thinke but stealing . the physitian and the chirurgion both steale , the one appointing and th' other applying plasters , which feed the disease and make it worse to the end that the time of the cure continning long , the fees may be the greater and the more . the apothecarie stealeth with a quid pro quo — putting in one drugge for another , and taking that which is cheapest , not considering what humour should be purged , and what vertue the drugge hath which he applyeth , in which hee stealeth the honour and reputation of the physitian , and the sick persons life . and if haply any call for an oile which he hath not , he wil not faile to give of that which hee hath for oile of — or other costly oyle which any shall have asked them , that they may not lose the credit of their shop . the marchant stealeth in putting out his money upon use , taking more than the statute alloweth , and writing downe in his booke such a debt , which , it may be , shall be thrice paid , the notary stealeth with an ( &c. et coetera ) a whole lordship , and if there be a question of any criminall processe , the scrivener for money that he shall take of a forfeit , will sell the soule of the poore innocent . the counsellour & the atturney steale selling a thousand lies to the poore client , making him to understand , that he shall win his cause , albeit they see cleerely that he hath no right at all ; and many times it falleth out that the lawyer agreeth with another to sell the parties right and part the gaine betweene them . the iudge stealeth iustice from this man , having pitie on him , who by some bribe shall have already corrupted him , wresting violently the texts of bartole and baldus for his own profit . the drugster and other marchants , that sell by weight steale , putting under the scale a very thinne plate of leade , where they put that which they would weigh , with which they shew that there is more then weight , albeit there be many ounces , and when they doe not that , with their little finger they touch the tongue of the ballance with which they make the scale sway to what side they will. the vintner stealeth a hundreth thousand wayes , mixing and blending one wine with another , beside the water that hee putteth amongst it , and when his wine by the force of so much mingling and watering hath his strength , hee hangeth amongst the lees a little bagge full of cloves , pepper , ginger and other spices , with which he makes it still seeme to be good . the butcher also stealeth blowing up his meate with a cane , that so they may seeme the bigger , and that he may sell them at a deerer rate than they are worth . the treasurer stealeth the third part , yea the halfe of a pension , when a poore needie man asketh him , because that hee , who should receive it , being drown'd in debt or charged with some vrgent necessitie , denieth not to give the halfe , nor makes he any conscience to demand it . the marshall stealeth taking a poore harmelesse man , and laying him in hold never telling him for what , and at the end of three or foure dayes that hee keepeth him in a chaine , sends a divell of those that belong to the prison , to tell him that hee is accused for making of false coine , and that there are ten witnesses who have given evidence against him : but that for the respect of some of his friends , hee will set him at libertie some evening , if he will give him a hundreth crownes to give content to the witnesses , and to make them in some sort to hold their tongues , whereby the poore wretch being sore affrighted , selleth all to the shirt on his backe to be rid of so great affliction . the courtier stealeth the report of a favorite , ascribing to himselfe that which another receiveth : because being loaded with feathers , brussing up himselfe , poised and straighter than a spindle he goeth to the court , and hearing , at the gate , or in the court-yarde where the pages waite , some newes , hee returneth to see his friends , and gives them to understand , that the king drew him aside , speaking secretly to him two houres , and amongst other things hee told the newes that hee brings . the perfumer stealeth mingling the perfumes and multiplying the muske with a cowes liver r●sted , the amber-grees with sope and sand , and the sivet with some butter . the priest stealeth , saying foure masses instead of forty for which hee hath bin paid beside the monie that he receives for yearely masses for the dead , answers and other duties which he never remembers . the religious ( monkes and friers ) steale whole patrimonies , assaulting with a grave countenance and a wry necke a poore sicke man at the point of death , and laying before him a mountaine of doubts and burthens of conscience , turning and stirring them up to pious deeds , applying to their own monasterie all that which he was bound to restore , without ever making any scruple of conscience to leave halfe a dozen of orphans defeated of their inheritance , and the sicke mans wife to live upon almes . the preacher stealeth , picking from s. thomas and s. austin the best of their workes , and having robbed them to their very thoughts , selleth in the pulpit their doctrine as though it were his owne making himselfe the inventor and author of that which belongeth not unto him . the blind man stealeth the halfe of every song that he singeth , because that having received money from him that biddeth him sing , and it seeming to him that he is gone from him three or foure paces , he beginneth againe his first tune , and asketh a new that some body would make him sing another . the begger stealeth telling a thousand lyes to him that giveth the almes , saying that he hath bin robbed , that he hath beene sicke , that his father is in prison , and coun●erfeiting himself lame , with which hee pulleth from men their almes . finally , all doe steale , and every handy-crafts man hath his own invention and particular subtiltie to this effect : but seeing there is no rule so generall , that hath not its exception , wee may exclude from the number of theeves all those that have a good conscience , as foote-men , hostlers , cookes , sergeants , iailers , under-jaillers , panders , bawdes , ruffians and whores . chap. vii . of the difference and variety of theeves . all the theeves aforesaid are called discreete , because that every one in his place striveth to cover theft the best hee can , transforming it into nobilitie and vertue , and this manner of stealing is the safest and most secret . of these there is as great varietie and difference , as there are severall offices in the common-weale , yea there are other theeves who steale openly and without maske : who , although they are not so many in number as the former , are notwithstanding moe , and their differences are as many as there are inventions to steale , which being redacted into a shorter number , are divided into robbers , staffadours , drawers of wooll , grunets , apostles cigarets , dacians , mallets cut-purses , satyrs , devont , and governours of the house . the robbers steale upon the high wayes and solitarie places with great cruelty and tyrannie , because that seldome doe they robbe without killing , fearing to be discovered and followed by justice . the meanes & slights that they have to coine to their purposes are diverse for sometimes they will follow a man fifteene dayes never losing the sight of him , waiting while hee goe out of the towne . and the better to over-reach him one of the companie goeth disguised in a marchants-habit , a guest of the same inne , with a certaine packe of old cloth , or some other invention , giving to understand that he is a strange country marchant , and feareth to travell alone . with this lye he falleth into discourse with the poore marchant or passenger craftily getting out of him , that which hee desireth to know , & learning whence he is , whether he goeth , what marchandise he carrieth , or what businesse he goeth , about , and when he is to be gone , whereof giving notice to his companions , they lye in waite for him at some place most convenient for their purpose . o●hers make themselues lurking holes behinde some bushes , growne up to the thicknesse of a wood , and when they perceive a far off , or by some spie , a passenger , they lay in the middle of the way a purse made fast , some shew of money , or a little budget , that in the meane time while he alighteth and staieth to take it up , they may come timely enough to take from him that he carrieth . others being hid in the most secret places of the high way , send one of their companie in carriers clothes , who seeing the passenger approach stayes to looke on him , and making shew to know him and to have some letters for him , & holding him in talke , bufieth him in such fashion , that the others have the time and meanes to surround him . others lying somewhat out of the way , faigne a lamentable and pitifull voyce , with which they tye the passenger to stay , and to goe see what it is , and while he that makes this moane deceitfully declareth his griefe , the ambush leapeth out that strippeth him to his shirt . your staffadours are a second sort of robbers , little differing from the former , though more courteous , and not so bloudy ; those goe calmely into the house of some marchant , and not finding him there , seeke for him at great leasure , at the exchange , in the fields , at church , and in the middle of a thousand people , drawes neere to him softly talking in his eare , making as though hee would communicate to him some-busines of great importance , and shewing him a dagger , saith , this dagger demandeth a hundreth crownes , brought to such a place , such a day , and if you doe it not , you shall die for it . the poore marchant sore affrighted by such words dareth not to misse , for feare to be killed . the wooll-drawers take their name from the theft they practise , which is to snatch cloakes in the night , and these have no other cu●ning save the occasion : they goe ever by threes or foure● betweene nine or ten a cloc● at night , and if they do finde a fit opportunitie they let 〈◊〉 not slip . most commonly they come forth to snatch cloakes in the darkest and rainest nights , and to them places which they see is most quiet and most out of the way , at least upon the one side , to the end that the neighbours may not come forth ( at the outcryes and noise which the robbed are commonly wont to make ) and take them . these same are accustomed sometimes to go in lackeyes clothes to come in to some maske or feast , making shew to looke for their masters , and with this liberty , they meete with ● heape of cloakes , that the gentlemen use to leave in the hall , being sure that nobody will meddle with them they in the view of all in the place , nimbly take up two or three on their shoulders , and get them gone with them , saluting all those whom they meete , with cap in hand . the grumets take their name from the likenesse that they have to those young boyes in ships , who clime up with great nimblenesse , by the tacklings to the top of the mast ; and the sailers call them cats or grumets . those that beare this name steale by night , climing up lightly , by a ladder of ropes , at the end of which they have two little hookes o● iron , to the end that throwing them up to the window ; it may catch hold there and they easily get up and empty the house . these runne about the city and the cou●try , stealing not onely gold and silver , but also wheate , rye , barley , oates , and finally all that ever they doe finde , and when they have plaid their prize , they cunningly tye a line made fast to the point of the little hookes , which , after they are come downe , they drawing , the two hookes are raised and the ladder falleth , without ever leaving any print or marke of the theft . the apostles take their name from s. peter , because that even as hee beares the keyes of heaven , so also they ordinarily carry a picklocke or vniversall key with which they open all manner of doores , and because of too much noise , that the locke may not rattle , and awaken the people a sleep , they put in a plate of leade with which they breake it in peeces , so that they who lie neerest can perceive nothing . those whom they call cigarets , have for their particular office to haunt churches feasts and publique assemblies , at which they cut off the halfe of a cloake , cassock sleeves , halfe a gowne , the quarter of a jumpe and finally whatsoever they finde , for of all these they make money . the devout are church-theeves , because there are no easters , pardons , nor iubilie which they visite not : they are continually on their knees in the monasteries , having their beades in their hands , to cloake their knavery , waiting their time , either under some altar , or behinde some table , on the eeve of some solemne feast , to the end that they may get out by night . — and to spoile the image of all the ornaments about them . in this sort of theft they do moreover adventure into the monasteries of the religious as well as into other churches , because that as they charitable , and feare to be accounted disorderly , they seldome put a theefe into the hands of justice , and for all the mischiefe that hee commits a man getteth out of their hands , chastised with one onely discipline all about the cloisters by a procession of monks who charge him , after his amendment , to feare god. the satyrs are men living wilde in the fields , that keepe their holds and dwelling in the countrey and forsaken places , stealing horses , kine , sheepe and all kinde of cattle which by occasion come in their walke . the dacians are cruell , mercilesse people , held in our common-weales in lesse account than th' other theeves : these steale children of three or foure yeares old , and breaking their armes and legges lame and disfigure them , that they may afterwards sell them to beggers , blinde folkes and other vagabonds . the overseers of the house have this name frō the particular care that they have to looke out for provision of bread , meate , and other vi●tualls to feede their companions , and as there is not any thing in the world that a man loveth better than to eate and drinke , the inventions and meanes that theeves have , are so severall and so exquisite that it is impossible to ●ell them all . some are accustomed three or foure to meete in the twilight at night and taking a bottle of five or sixe pottles with a fourth part of water in it , they goe to a taverne bidding them fill the bottle with the wine in the house , and having agreed for the price , the poore vintner beginneth to measure while it be almost full , then they make shew of a desire to taste it , if it be the wine that they bought at the beginning , and scarcely have they tasted it when bending their browes , casting up their eyes and wrying their nose they cry out at the wretched vintner , saying that he is a theefe and a deceiver , who hath changed them their wine . the poore fellow seeing that his oathes and curses availe nothing , is content to take his wine again and to take out the bottle the measures that hee had put in , by which meanes they have a fourth part left so well seasoned that it may passe for wine of sixe pence a quart . other whiles they goe five or sixe in companie to the taverne with two great pots so like th' one to the other , that very hardly can there any difference be perceived betweene them ; they carry th' one emptie and the other full of water under his cloak , and biddes them fill the emptie one with the best wine that they have , never taking care for the price , and it being full , the one of them takes it under his cloake , and the other staies reckoning with the vintner , holding his purse in his hand and making shew to pay him : being upon these termes , the others come in , and aske alowd whether or no they shall suppe there , which the vintner seeing , allured presently by the gaine that hee shall make if they suppe at his house , perswades them to stay , and they take his counsell determining to goe to the cookes to buy some joynt for supper , and to call backe the rest of their comerads , leaving the pot full of water to the vintner , that he may keepe it in the meane while till they come backe , with which he remaineth contented and well assured , thinking hith himselfe , that though they never returne , the pot notwithstanding shall remaine with him for his gaines . as for the provision of flesh , poulterie and other things they have a thousand inventions , whereof i will tell you one only which hapned long agoe to one of my copsemates . it was , if i rightly remember , on a holy saturdayes market , in which they sold great store of hennes , partridges , rabbets , pullets and other things against the feastivall day . three of the company went out to seeke for provision , dividing themselves every one to his owne walke , the two met with a countrey-clown loaded with capons and partridges , which were in the market ; one of them drew neare to buy up all that he had , & cheapning a quarter of an houre with the clowne , agreed to give him ten nobles for all his ware , giving it to his fellow to carry it home , and he stayed behinde with his hand in his pocket , making as if he would pay him . he searcheth both the sides , of his hose , drawing out first a great purse , next a little one , afterwards a hand-kercher tyed in knots with some papers folded up , with which he inchanted the clown , and gave his companion time and leasure enough to get him out of sight , and at last not finding in all his budgets the whole summe , he bids the clowne follow him and he should pay him . the clown was content , and beginneth to follow him with diligence , and almost on the trot , because that as my companion had an intention , to get out of sight crossing the streets and lanes he walk't a-pace with posting speede . but seeing himselfe so closely followed by the clown he went into the cloister of the austin friers , where there were some friers confessing folkes , and having made a devout prayer , hee turned himselfe towards the clown , saying to him , my friend , the provision that you have sold me is for this house , and that father , who is there a confessing is the proctour , i will goe tell him that he must pay you ; and speaking thus , he comes to one of the confessors with the clown after him , and turning a little aside hee put sixe pence into his hand , and whispers him in the eare saying , father , this country man is one of my acquaintance , and commeth hither to be confest , he lives sixe miles hence , and he must of necessitie goe backe to his house this evening , i beseech you to do me the favour to confesse him out of hand and let him goe . the good father obliged by the almes given aforehand , promist him , that when hee had ended the penitents confession whom he had at his feete , hee should dispatch him presently . with this answer , he called to the clown , and said to him , friend , the father will dispatch you by and by , when he hath made an end of confessing this man , to which the father added goe , not hence , i will give you content presently . with these words my companion par●ed from them , and the country-man staid , reckoning on his singers the money that hee should lay out on shooes , hat and other trifles which hee minded to buy as well for himselfe , as for his familie out of his poultry money . the penitent makes an end of his confession , and the father makes a signe to the clown to draw neere ; the clown was not in so trembling a perplexitie , with so great hast as those who come to confession , which the good father was much offended at , it seeming to him that he had little devotion and lesse humility to be confest . the clown stood bolt upright , looking heedfully upon the confessor , to see if he should put his hand in his pocket , and the confessor look't upon the clown in like manner , astonisht to see him stand with so little devotion . notwithstanding excusing him because of simplicitie which is ordinarie to these country people , hee biddes him , kneele . the clowne at the beginning made some resistance , thinking it to be an extraordinarie ceremonie for one to kneele to receive money , neverthelesse at last he did it though grumbling . the father bids him make the signe of the crosse , and say his confession , whereat the clown lost all patience , beleeving the confessor to be out of his wits , and standing up beginneth to mumble within his teeth and to sweare with great obstinacie . this assured the confessor that the clown was possest with a devill , and having made the signe of the crosse beginneth to conjure him , putting s. austins girdle about his head , and saying some devout prayers , with which the clowne went out of his wits , taking the good father by the surplis and casting him down upon the ground , demanding aloud mony for his poultry . the father supposing that hee had all the fiends of hell together upon him , beginneth to say , the letanie with a weake and affrighted voyce , and to commend himselfe to all the saints in the almanacke , praying them to aid him . at the clamour and noise , the whole convent began to be troubled , all the monkes comming out in procession with the crosse and the candlestickes , casting holy water on every side , and beleeving that there was a legion of devils in the church . they came thither where the confessour was at debate with the clown , who still was asking money , for his poultry , & the prior having asked the cōfessour concerning this accident & having also heard the clownes reason , the justice of them both was discover'd with my cōpanions wicked deede . in the endsome devout persons who were in the church , paid the clown his monies who went backe contented unto his house . chap. viii . the theefe continueth the differences among theeves with three disgraces that befell him . the cut-purses are the commonest theeves of our common-weale , who have an endlesse deale of meanes and wayes to steale . all their studie consisteth in thrusting their hand in the pocket of whom they approach , and cunningly to draw his purse from him ( he not perceiving it ) with all that hee hath in it . these haunt the churches , sermons , faires , assemblies & publicke meetings , that they may worke their feate in the throng , he that takes the purse gives it presently to another that is by him , that if he should be taken with his hand in his pocket , he might prove them lyars and cleare himselfe before all the world . i will tell you a wittie tricke which i once plotted , though it fell out but badly by me , seeing that the heedfulnesse , with which you hearken to me , makes me know that you are not wearie to heare me . the last yeere there came to london a marchant of italie , rich , courteous and of good carriage , who being in rouled by our spies i tooke the charge upon me to deale with him . i rose that day betimes in the morning , lest i should lose the occasion , and after i had dog'd him through many streets , lanes and churches ( for he was verily a good christian ) wee came to a crowd of marchants wont to be kept in the exchange about eleven a clock , seeing him alone , i came to him , talking to him of a bargaine very profitable & certaine , which made him open his eyes , and listen heedfully to my reasons . then seeing him thus fitted to my inventions , i winded him gently into a maze of difficulties , in such sort , that i never ceast to declare to him the businesse , nor he to learne the circumstances . my camerade then drew neare making shew as if he knew me not ; and to be desirous to interpret the traffick for him which i had propounded , whereupon the marchant began to take no more heede to me , and i to thinke evermore of him . i put secretly my fingers in his pocket to try the depth and breadth thereof , & perceived that it and its masters little care gave me free liberty to put in all my hand . i did so and at the first essay , i drew his purse , at the second a silver watch , which he carried tied to a small gold-chaine , with which i might have bin content if stealing could be limited . i was resolved to try the third time , to see if i could draw thence a holland hankercher , which before he had shewed edged with curious bonelace , but i could not be so nimble to draw it , nor my companion to hold him in talke , but he felt me , and running to save his pocket with his hand he could not misse but meete with mine , wherewith being vext and suspitious , he presently knew that he had lost his purse and his watch , and not finding them he tooke me by the necke , crying a theefe a theefe . i foreseeing the evill that might befall mee ( for astrologie is very necessary for a theefe ) had given the purse and watch from underneath my cloake to my companion , as soone as ever i had drawne it , who was but only two steps from me : wherefore with the assurance that i had , that he would finde about me that which he sought , i scorned all he said , giving him the lie a thousand times . the marchant holding me fast by the coller , with a loude voyce calling for his purse , in such sort that he made all upon the place to gather together . but my camerade seeing that my honor runne a great hazard , if the businesse should be proved amongst so many people , secretly calls a crier who was at a corner of the place , whom he made cry , if any one had lost a purse and a silver watch , that he should come to him , & give true tokens therof , he would restore them , and withall departed the place . hardly was the sound of the first cry heard but my good italian let me goe , intreating me with great humilitie to forgive him the rash judgement conceived of me , which i did at the request of the companie , and presently got me out of sight . he went as nimble as a roe to seeke for the cryer , and having found him he gave the true tokens of his losse , but he that had bid him doe it could not be found any more ; and so i escaped this dangerous accident . the duendes a larins so called for the likenesse that they have with the spirits of this name , begin to walke through the towne in the evening , and finding some doore open , they enter softly , hiding themselves in the cellar , in the stable , or in some other dark secret place , to the end they may throw out at windowes all that is in the house , when those within are fast a-sleepe . i adventured once to play such a pranke , and turne my selfe in an angell of darkenesse , but i was deceived . it fell out then , that one night on the eeve of a high holy-day i went to seeke my fortune , my mishap made me meete with a doore halfe open , into which thrusting my head i saw that all my body might enter , i went up a paire of staires to a great chamber well furnisht and fitted , and thinking that it was a safe course for me to hide my selfe under a bed , while these of the house were gone to rest , i did so . after foure houres that i had laien all along on the flower , i heard a noyse of folks , comming up suddenly into the chamber , you neede not aske if i was heedfull to see who they were , and by and by with the light of a candle i saw the feete of two footmen and one maide laying the cloth with great diligence , and were making of a fire , because the master of the house was to suppe there . the table furnish't with sundry dishes of meate , foure or five sate downe , besides the children that were in the house . i was then so affrighted and confounded , that i thinke verily if the noise of their voyces and the great number of children had not hindred them , they might have heard plainely the beating of my joynts , because my buttockes beate so hard one against the other , that i thinke the noise might have bin heard halfe a mile off . by mischance there was a little dogge , that runne about gnawing the bones that fell from the table , and one of the children having thrown him a bone , a cat that watch't under the table was more nimble to catch it with which she run away to hide her under the bed , the dog grinning and pressing to take the bone from her , but the cat could so well use her clawes and defend her prize , that having given the dog on the nose two or three blowes with her paw , there began so great a skirmish , and there was such a hurly burly between them , that one of the waiters tooke a great fire-shouell that was in the 〈◊〉 him . ney and cast it so furiously under the bed , that if , as it gave me over the nose with the broad side , it had lighted on me with the end , it had kill'd me out-right . the blow was so great , that i was above halfe an houre ere i could come to my selfe , but it made the cat come out like a thunder from under the bed , and the dog staied grinning and barking with such a fury that neither fawning nor threatning of mine could quiet him , wherat the waiters at table were so vext that they began to chase him out , throwing fire-brands at him , which made him come out from under the bed , and leave me there in the pangs of death . the dogges noise was done , and there began another in my guts , so violent , that to stay the sudden rumbling of a flux in my belly , which the apprehension and feare had moved i was constrained to sneeze thrice , & with the force of my sneezing to wrong my breeches by the liberty of that unjust violence . these two noises met together , and making one of two , increast so much the force , that it made all at table rise , and take off the candles , to see what was this novelty . they pulled me out , but i could give no reason that could be heard , nor humble suing that could be admitted , so i remained subject to the rigour of their vengeance , they stript me starke naked and binding me hand and foote , they began to scorch me with a lighted torch not without loud laughing , and after they had satisfied their furious passion , they put me in the hands of iustice , out of whose power i escaped signed and sealed . the mallettes are a sort of theeves who hazard themselves upon great perills and inconveniences , for they are made up in a bale , basket or dry fat , faining that it is certaine marchandise sent over , which they make some one or other of their friends in marchants apparell carrie from one house to another , that when night commeth and every one being fast a sleepe , he cutteth the cloth with a knife , hee breaketh forth to empty the house . i was one of those when the fourth disgrace befell me , because a friend of mine having counterfeited to have foure bales to be laid by night in a rich goldsmithes house , counsel'd me to be pack't up in one of them , covering the sides thereof with cloth and webs of fustian . the goldsmith made no difficultie to receive them , forsomuch as he had not them i● keeping but a little while , and that he thought , if the owner in the meane time should happen to die , some one of them might fall to his share , so he made them to be laid in his backe-shop , whereby i was well assured to worke my feate . i waited while night with such desires as that plot deserved , which notwithstanding fell out to my disgrace ; for three or foure prentises meeting that night in the house , of intention to tarrie there upon occasion of the bales , resolving to lay them together , and lye upon them . after supper , every one withdrew himselfe . the prentises fitting the unhappy bed , or to say rather , the bale , in which i was in the middle of the others , on which they began to sleepe so soundly , that one might have drawne them a mile and never awakened them . i being impatient of the exceeding great weight that i felt , not daring to stirre my selfe more then i had bin dead ; and on the other part the little breath that i had , being choaked , i began to stirre my selfe a little , and seeing the unmoveable weight of that which was on me ; i certainly beleeved that they had layd a bale upon me ; with which imagination , and the extreme anguish that i suffred , i drew a sharpe knife , and thrusting it up , i made a great hole in the tillet of the bale , and a huge deepe wound in the buttocks of him that lay upon me . hee rose like a thunder raising his voyce to the heavens , calling for neighbours helpe and the iustices aide , thinking that some one of his companions would have kill'd him . the confused noise of all the neighbours , and the alarum was so great , that ere the master of the house had lighted a candle , the iustice beating open the doore came in , and finde the poore wounded fellow in his shirt bleed and faint , and the other vexed and confounded , takes the deposition of him that was wounded never taking notice of the bale , nor comming neere it , thinking that it was not needful to know the place where hee was hurt . but the goldsmith , who attentively hearkened to the iustice , and beheld the circumstances of the fact , seeing the poore-hurt fellow all bloudie , supposed that the bales and the cloth in them might be bloudy and spoil'd and he bound to pay them , and with this unquietnesse he came neere to looke on the bale , and seeing it cut thrust in his fingers to trie if nothing was spoil'd , and he mist not to finde my bearde . i could very well have bitten him if i had thought it had bin the best of my play , but i lay quiet , thinking that he would never guesse what it was . he held the torch nigher to the hole , and stooping to see that he had touch't , the waxe began to melt and drop upon my face , which forced me to remove a little , and him to marre all , crying aloud . theeves , theeves . the iudge came neere , who was yet making one write the deposition of the hurt man , and opening the bale , they found one within it . they carried me to prison , whence i came out at the seventh day after at a cartes taile well accompanied , beside other favours that they did me , whereof the greatest was to condemne me to the gallies . all the aforesaid theeves have ordinarily their spies at exchanges , faires and common markets , viewing all that goe and come , and learning what money they carrie , how much , and in what sort , where they leave it , and in what hands , to give notice thereof to the companie . and herein there is such diligence , and so great care , that there commeth not any stranger to the towne , but in a quarter of an houre after he is registred in our booke with all his qualities : to wit , whence becommeth whither hee goeth , and what is his trafficke : and if there be any negligence herein , the spies that have these places of the citie in their charge , lose the profit and gaine that should come to them that day , out of the common purse , beside a shamefull reproofe which our captaine giveth them in presence of all the other theeves . chap. ix . wherein the theefe relateth his wittie diligence to free himselfe out of the gallies of marseiles . you may thinke , i had no great maw to that journey ▪ which these gentlemen commanded me towards marseils , sith there could be no pleasure in that which is done upon constraint . neverthelesse i obeyed with great resolution , hoping that fortune would offer some good occasion to set me at libertie : so all my studie and care was onely to finde out the means to attaine to this end . and having tried many which came to no effect , he practized one which might have hapned well , if fortune had bin content with my past troubles , and had not made mee fall any more in the try all thereof . the invention then was on this wise . the captaine of the gallie , where i was slave , being exceedingly in love with a lady of good ranke , and she in no wise loving him , hee tried all meanes ( though impossible ) to bring her to his bow , and as is usuall with lovers to be the more inflamed when they finde their beloved hard to be won , the ladies extreme coldnesse was burning coales to the captaine , in such sort that he never enjoyed rest but when he was talking of his love . i having got knowledge by the report of a slave that went daily to my masters house , there to carrie water , wood , and other necessaries , determined to try my fortune , and not lose the occasion . so i spake him kindly , promising him that if he would faithfully ayde me , that he might hope assuredly for his liberty , whereof i would as well make him certaine as of mine own . the good antony , ( for so the slave was called , ) put so much trust in my words , hearing me speake of libertie which i had promist him , that waited but for the houre to be employed in that which i did intreate him , and he thought there was not time enough ; hoping with great impatiēce , that i should declare to him that which he was to doe for me : who seeing him so well minded on my behalfe , and otherwise sillie , faithfull and true , i shewed him my resolution , recommending to him secrecie , and wisedome above all things . i said thus unto him , my friend antony , know that it is long since i have desired to impart a secret to thee , which i will tell thee of : but as all things require wisedome , patience , and the occasion , i have not done till now ; because i thought it not fitting till now to do it : as also , because not being so satisfied ( as i am this present ) of thy goodnesse , seeing , as the proverb saith , one should eate a bushell of salt with his friend ere he trust him . thou knowest well our masters love with this lady that dwelleth by the great church , and how much he is out of kelter for her , yet never having received one favour of her , after so long time spent in her service , and so many duckets spent in vaine for love of her . now if i should finde a meane and assured invention , to make him without the spending of one shilling , or troubling her doores enjoy his pleasure , what reckoning would the captain make of this service , and what reward would he give him who should bestow on him that which he so earnestly desireth ? verily ( answered antonie ) i hold for certaine that he would turne foole at his contentment , and not only would he give thee thy libertie , but also to all those for whom thou shalt aske . go to friend , said i , if thou hast any particular acquaintance with some one of them who are most familiar and best liked in the captaines house , thou must acquaint him with this businesse , that he may tell him , and assure him that i will doubtlesse doe that i promise , and i counsell thee that it be not delayed . the content which antony received was so great , that without bidding me farewell , nor answering me one word , he went from me like a lightning , intreating a souldier o● the gallie , that he would bring him into the captaines house , to talke with him of a matter of great importance . he was there , and could give order for my businesse , that halfe an houre after , the governour of the house came to the master of the gallie , charging him to send me with a souldier to the captaine , because he would see me . the quicke effect which antonies diligence wrought , gave me extreme great contentment , and made me hope that so good a beginning would bring my designes to a happie end . finally , i was at my captaines house , tattard , torne , and naked , and with a great chaine tyed to my foote . he comming to meete me , as if i had bin a man of great ranke , and lay●ng his hand upon my shaven head , began to talke kindly to me , asking me what country-man i was , what was my name , and why i was condemned to the gallies . and i having answered him in a dissembling manner , and lying the best i could , he drew me aside , to a corner of the chamber , asking if that which antony had promist him , was certaine , sir , answered i him , i know not what he hath said , nor what promise he hath made , yet i will tell you , that if he hath spoken according to that which i told him , all is true , without failing one tittle . sir , i told him , that if you would promise to release me out of this distresse which i indure , and to give me my libertie freely and wholly , i should make you injoy the love which you desire with so great passion and which so torments you , i promise you moreover and assure you , that making this condition with you , if i performe not my promise you shall my head cut off , or throw me into the sea . thou bindest thy selfe greatly ( said he with a smiling countenance , alreadie desirous to see the effect of my promise ) but if thou art a man of so great knowledge and skill , that thou canst doe this for me , this gallie wherin thou art shall be thy fortune , for i shall not onely be content to give thee thy libertie but i will make thee one of my houshold servants , and the best respected of them all . but tell me , after what manner canst thou doe it ? sir , you shall know ( said i ) that i was bred with a great astrologer , who under pretence to cast horoscops and nativities dissembled his magicke with so great craft , that there was not any one in the world that suspected him . he made use of me in some of magicall experiences , supposing because i was young and of a dull wit i would understand nothing of the secrets of his art. but he was deceived there , because though i seemed foolish and ignorant , yet i had an eye on all his tryalls , and i studied them so well , that many love secrets stucke in my memorie , ●mongst which i have one most certaine and approved , with which if a woman were harder then the adamant , i will make her softer then the waxe . in such sort that the secret which i propound to you is magicall , not naturall , and it is requisite to have some haires of the party beloved , to put it in execution ; with which , and with some ceremonies that must be performed , the gentlewomans heart will be so set on fire , that she shall take no rest , but when she is with or thinketh of her beloved . notwithstanding this must be done in the night , at the waxing of the moone , and in the fields , there being but only three in the companie , and these stout and resolute , that cannot be dismaied nor frighted , fall out what may , or whatsoever they see . if , saith the captaine , that to further the businesse there needeth no other thing but a good heart , we shall easily have our desire , for though all hell should stand before me , it were notable to make me give backe so much as one step , nor once to change my colour , or countenance : and for the haires that thou hast mentioned , i will give thee as much as thou shalt desire . i know sir , ( answered i ) by your face that your naturall inclination is very fit for magicke , and if you had studied it , you would worke wonders by it . so now seeing the time favoureth us , and that you have the ladies haire , let us not suffer this waxing of the moone to passe with bringing our businesse to passe . you may goe out on horsebacke , and he also that shall accompanie you , as for me , though ill bestead with the weight of this chaine , i will not forbeare to goe a foote . all shall be in readinesse ( saith the captaine ) against thursday night , & sith experience hath made thee master in this art , prepare thee well and studie that which thou oughtest to doe , to the end that our designe may not be lost by negligence or little care ; and for the present get thee backe to the gallie ; for i will send to thee by the governour of my house who shall be the ●hird of our companie , a faithfull man , couragious & valiant , and if there neede any thing to this purpose , thou maist in the meane time provide thee , for i will take order that all be paid that thou shalt buy . with this good answer i parted from my master more joyfull and merrie then the flourishing spring seeing my businesse thrive so well at so good a passe , and being returned to the gallie i found my good antony , who waited for me with great impatience to know what i had bargain'd with the captaine , and upon what termes my affaires stood , to whom i related all that we had agreed upon , and the kindnesse that he received me withall in accepting my promise , assuring him that when i was in favour , the next thing i asked should be his libertie . hardly had i begun my discourse , but i perceiued the governour of the captaines house entring the gallie , his visage inflamed , his eyes staring and dansing , and he running , as he had quickesilver in his heeles , asked where i was , and having perceived me , and drawne me aside , he said to me , i am governour of the house to the captaine of this gallie , who hath commanded me to come hither , and to know of thee all that shall be necessarie for the businesse that you talked of , dispose and appoint at thy pleasure , for i have money for all , and because that i may offer thee something in my own behalfe , take this crown of gold which i give thee as a token of that friendship which shall be between us , and i assure thee that thou shalt have a good friend of me at the captains hands . but as reason would thou must answer me with mutuall acknowledgment , in doing some thing for me . you shall binde me much sir , ( i answered him then very humbly , ) having disparaged your selfe so much in regard of him , who is so farre unequall : consider in what my weakenesse and my povertie can serve you ; for i will performe it with all my soule . i will not , saith the governor , that thou hazard thy soule , because it is gods , but i would faine intreat thee , that with thy fecrets and thy skill thou wouldst helpe me to purchase the favour of a gentlewoman of good ranke whom i have loved now these five yeares , and because i am of somewhat a meaner condition then she there is no meane to make her heare me , and if it were possible to give two blowes with one stone it would be be an extreme great contentment to me , & thou shouldst binde me to thee , not only as a friend , but as a slave . now the moone is waxing , and the time very fit , so that i thinke there is no neede to make any more ceremonies for my mistresse than for the captaines , and if you must have of her haire , see here are some , for it is above a yeare that i carried them about me , keeping them as reliques . and drawing a paper out of his pocket put one of her locks into my hand . i who desired no other thing but that the third of our companie should be also so besotted , that the businesse might fall out well , i was in a manner beside my selfe with contentment , which i could not hide nor dissemble without shewing some signes in my countenance of being troubled , by which he tooke occasion to aske me what it was that troubled me . to whom i answer'd , sir , i feare that if the captaine should know that i doe any thing for you he would be vexed with me , and i should lose this good opportunitie in which lyeth no lesse then my libertie ; this consideration is that which troubleth me , not want of desire to serve you . and who will tell it him , saith he then ? the divell , answered i , that never sleepes , but happen what may , i am resolved to serve you , though i should lose the captaines good-will , seeing it is the first thing that you have commanded me . as for that which concernes the captains busines & yours , you must buy a new sacke , a small corde , and another bigge one of hempe , foure ells long , a new knife , a chaine and a brush , and these you shall buy without making any price , that is to say , that you shall give for them whatsoever the marchant shall aske without beating of the price : and assure your selfe , that within a seven-night , you shall enjoy your love with great liberty . thou givest me greater content with this answer , saith the governour of the house , than if the king had given me a pension of a thousand crownes a yeare , doe that which thou promisest , & thou shall see what i will doe for thee . and embracing me kindly he went away full of hope and joy , leaving me the most contented man of the world , seeing that if in this prison i had sought an occason which might have fallen out better for my ease , it had bin impossible for me to finde it , for as well my captaine as the governour of the house were so blinded besotted and fool'd , that if i should have call'd the day night they would have beleeved it . on the contrarie my heart throb'd a thousand waies , considering into what a maze i should thrust my selfe , if the businesse succeeded not , neverthelesse i made a vertue of necessitie , using that remedie which is ordinarie with these that are in any extremity , which is boldnesse and resolution . with this good courage i waited for the thursday , which came more joyfull and fairer then the spring , though it was slow , because of the desire they had to injoy their mistresses , and mine to get out of the harbour by the cheating trickes that i put upon them , it seem'd to us the longest day of all the yeare . every time the clocke struck , they despaired , fearing to misse the telling of the houres , as these do who hope for a thing that they earnestly desire ; and after this care they were in anextacie considering what they would do in the possession of their loves , as if they had alreadie verily past the night and overcome the difficulty . this doubting and hammering of theirs served me well to my purpose , that they might not perceive the gulleries that i put upon them , and the smoake that i sold them . whereby i finde that those who paint love blinde , have great good reason for them , because that , if they not bin so , they would have perceived all my promises to be nothing but winde , and that the meanes which i propounded to them were for no other end but to gull . them . chap. x. in which he proceedeth to relate his invention , begun with some discourses of love , between the governour of the house and this gallie-slave . the night being come which be a day for me , inlightning the heaven with infinite numbers of starres so bright and resplendent , that they dazeled the light of the day , and filled my soule with joy : when my honest governour enters the gallie , brave , gallant and clothed with the best apparell that he had , because that amongst other directions that i had given as well to him as to his master , the chiefe was that they should be fine & brave , as being a thing most requisite and necessarie for magick skill ; and having saluted me with close embracements he said to me , friend , that thou maist know that i can doe what i will at the captaines hands , and that i want not goodwill to help thee , thou shalt know that through my intreatie he gives thee leave to leave off thy chaine for this night , and it may be , for ever , that thou maist walke with greater libertie , and performe thy businesse and what is 〈…〉 though the captaine 〈◊〉 ●ome difficultie , i dea●t so earnestly that i obtained this favour in earnest of that which i desire to do 〈…〉 . i who then was more knavish and more dissembled then foolish , fell into some suspition imagining that this liberalitie offered ere it was desired , was fained , and but only to try me , wherfore i answered him , sir i thanke you for the care you have had of me obtaining of my master that he will take off my chaine , a favour which i would kindly accept , if it were possible , but it is not , because i must not change the estate that i 〈◊〉 in , nor one point of that which is of my estate ; it being necessarie that he , who shall make this tryall , must make in the same estate & apparell that he is accustomed to weare : and so i may not goe but in mine owne clothes 〈◊〉 with the chaine because otherwise we shall do nothing . the governour was not a little contented with my answer , being assured that there was in me no kinde of deceite nor malice , but the pure and simple truth , & pittying me beleeved assuredly , that there was more passion in my words then iustice , he embraced me the second time saying , friend , god who is wont to give the salve according to the wound , hath brought thee to this gallie , that by it thou mightst come to the knowledge of my master , and enjoy the speciall favours which thou shouldst promise to thy selfe from his liberalitie , if the businesse fall out well . how well ? answered i him , hath the captaine any suspition that i would deceive him ? no by the world answer'd the governour , seeing that though thou wouldst doe it , thou couldst not : but it is the great desire that we both have to soften the hardnesse of these she-tygers , and to turne them to our love , that makes us thinke that impossible which is easie for thee to doe , and this is usuall amongst lovers . i never was one , ( answer'd i , and though i should be more in love then was ●arcissus , i should never purswade my selfe that day were night , that 〈…〉 , and other fantasticall imaginations , that haunt lovers , which rather may be called follies and idle thoughts then love passions . it well appeareth that his darts have not strucke thee , saith the governour , for if thou hadst tried them , thou wouldst not have spoken with so great freedome and so little trouble . know friend , that physitians ranke this disease amongst melancholi●e passions , into which the diseased falleth , beleeving that which is not , and framing a thousand phantasies and visions which have no other ground but their perverse and corrupt imagination , which workes the same effect in lovers , giving them an impression of jealouse , to an other of disdaine , to an other of favour , making a mountaine of nothing , all which is bred of a burning desire which they have to possesse that which they love . but to be willing to perswade this unto him who hath not tried it , is to desire to draw water with a sive , and to weight the earth , i am no doctor , master governour , i answer'd him , nor yet batcehler , because being left yong , friendlesse and poore , i lived also without knowledge , having only foure words of latin. neverthelesse by the use of reason well knowen of all sciences , i understood the smal reason that lovers have to be so oft troubled upon so small occasion as they are troubled , because of necessitie their affections tend to two points , to wit , that the woman must be good or evil faithfull or disloyall . if she be good , faithfull & answerable to your affection in mutuall love , it is a great follie to be jealous over her : if she be unfaithfull and known for such a one , there needs no other counsel , but not to trust her nor love her . whence may be cōcluded that all the accidents to which you say lovers are subject , are the overflowings of follie , and wants of wit , it being a notable extravagancie to love one that hateth , this being supposed that hatred cannot be the subject of love , nor love of hatred , seeing we ordinarily love them that bind us thereto by their love . if it went by experience , saith the governor thou wilt lose thy cause , because usually they ●ate these that love them best , taking the fight of a dying man for the occasion of their hate , and it is a voice in them now a dayes turned in●o a nature , to shun those that follow them , and to abhorre those who adore them , as the captaine and i have hitherto made a long and unhappy tryall . thinke not so master governour , i answer'd , that you have made a good conclusion ; for if you will have the patience to ●eare me , i will make you see clearely in what your arguments faile , and know that love ceaseth not to love nor hatred to hate , there being no 〈◊〉 of nature , and he that foster'd you in this philosophy , hath fed you with 〈◊〉 milke , because that lo●● alone not being accompanie● with other circumstances , which are to be proportio●nable and reasonable is no● all the motive of an other love . that princesse of noble bloud should be tyed to love a porter , that dieth for her , onely because he adoreth her . i deny your proposition , she is no wise bound to doe it , nor her well to affect him , the object that might move her not being in him . as a prince hateth to the death a poore damsell , because she depiseth him , being unwilling to give consent to his wanton love , whence it may be gathered that neither the porters love 〈◊〉 in any case tye the prin●●sse wil , nor damsels scorne ●all breed hatred in the ●rinces minde . seeing that 〈◊〉 love is found the good , 〈◊〉 profit and pleasure which 〈◊〉 the hookes with which 〈◊〉 will is taken , then it is 〈◊〉 motive of love , and the ●ady shal not be able to hate ●im , who loveth her upon ●hese conditions , but therein ●eing unequalitie and disho●our , she may do it . you shall more clearely perceive this 〈◊〉 hatred , because when a man dieth for a gentle-woman , & she hates him exceedingly , this hate is not that which inflames his love , but the account she makes of her honour & the feare of shame if she should consent to the pleasure of him that loveth her , which consideration makes her coole and backward and him extreamely passionate . whence it is concluded , that the woman offendeth not in hating him that worships her , nor any man ought to hate such a woman that disdaineth him . this thy philosophie , my friend , answered the governour , is framed of moe words than learning , and i could refute it by plaine reasons , if time did afford 't is leasure , but the houre is already come , & the captaine will looke for us , only i would intreate thee to be mindfull of me as a friend , making thy inchantment of equall power with the crueltie of the gentlewoman of whom i have spoken to thee . away with this care , sir , answerd i , for i will doe it in such sort , that though your mistresse were harder-hear●ed & more frozen then the alpes , she should be turned into a mountaine of fire , hotter then mount aetna of sicile . i beleeve so , said the governour , but i cannot chuse but wonder why thou being so cunning a fellow didst not enchant the iudge to be in love with thee and not have condemned thee to the gallies . if this secret were good for a man , said i , a hundred yeares a goe i had bin a duke or a governour of some province , if i had not bin a monarch . it is not good but for women , because he that first found it out , gave it this vertue only . that alone sufficeth me , saith the governour , if with it i can soften that ad●●mant , but with the hope that thou hast given me , i hold the victorie as certaine , and i hinder my selfe that i doe not see to morrow already . with these words we came to the other side of the harbour where my kinde captain waited for us with great impatience and unquietnesse , by whom i was very well received , & he asking me why the governour had not taken off my chaine , as he had charged him , i answered him the same things , which i had before answered the governour , wherewith he was exceeding wel contented . they leapt both on horse backe , & i followed them at leasure , because of the waight of my chaine , and being about a ●●ague from marselles we ●●rived at the place appointed . they lighted down , and ●ying their horses at a tree , we with drew our selves to ●●ther to the place where our ●●yall was to be made , & taking them with some necessary ceremonies , and telling them what they should say , i ●●ade a circle on the ground whispering i cannot tell what strange and uncouth words , and turning my selfe often , sometimes towards the east , sometimes to the west , with some ceremonies so unusuall , that they made the captaine and his governor of the house both of them 〈◊〉 and fearefull . at haffe an houres end after that i had gone turning about like a foole , i made the captaine goe within it , charging him to say after me , who was so obedient and so forward to all that i would have him , that if i had then cut off his mustaches , he would have beleeved that it was needfull for the inchantment . i made him strip himselfe , teaching him to say certaine words to every parcell of his clothes which he put off , which he pronounced so exactly that he lost not one syllable , beleeving that if he had missed in one jote he should have marred all this businesse , with this ceremonie i stript him to his shirt , he never making any shew of feare no● suspition , being assured that he was safe enough by the presence of the governour , who was much astonisht to 〈◊〉 them finish'd , it seeming to him that there should neither b● time enough nor inchant●ent sufficient for himselfe . pitty so moved my heart that i could not take off his shirt , ●aving compassion of his in●●cencie , because it was then the coldest time of all the winter , and either through ●eare or cold , such a vehe●●● quivering and shaking ●f all his joynts tooke him , ●ith such a chattering of his 〈◊〉 , that the noise thereof 〈◊〉 have bin heard halfe a 〈◊〉 from the place . i 〈◊〉 and encouraged him , with the shortnesse and quick 〈◊〉 of the inchantment , 〈…〉 assured possession of 〈◊〉 love , injoyning him in 〈◊〉 meane time to be silent , 〈◊〉 telling him that if he spake but one word , we should be presently in lesse then the twinkling of an eye all of us in barbary . he then being in this plight , that is to to say , naked in his shirt , i gave him a knife in his hand , commanding him to make some stabs towards the foure quarters of the world , at every one uttering some words , & 〈◊〉 the conclusion i made him goe into the sacke . that which i then saw with mine eyes was a wonder & a miracle of god , because i alwai●● imagined , that as he was going into the sacke he should suspect something , & that 〈◊〉 mine invention should 〈…〉 nothing : but a little 〈…〉 not more obedient 〈…〉 ●●ilde than he was , 〈◊〉 that without any resistan●● or shew of mistrust , he went in , being still assured by the presence of his governour , and the ignorance he had of his loves ; which was good for me ; for if he had known that the governour was to be inchāted also , he had never gone into the sacke . finally having packed up the poore captain , i laid him along upon the ground with his belly upwards , tying the sacks mouth with a cord that was by me , & speaking sti●● to the governor to encourage him , and wishing him to have patience a quarter of an houre the enchantment was to last . so having left him in this ta●ing , the governour and i went aside about a stones cas● who said to me in an exceeding great pelting chafe , i wil lay a wager that thou hast forgotten something of my businesse , for here i see neither sacke nor knife for me , as for the captaine . here is no need of a sacke , said i , because your magicall experiences are made stronger or weaker , according to the greater or lesser cruelty that gentle women have : and the captaines being exceeding disdainfull , i have made the enchantment of a sacke for her which is the strongest of all . oh! brother , saith the governor , what is this that thou hast done ? mine is hard-hearted , disdainfull a tyger and a lyonesse : for the captaines , though she loves him not , notwithstanding shewes him some favour , and if it goes by disdaine , we neede a hundred sackes , not one only what shall we doe ? be quiet master governor , said i then seeing him afflicted , for there is a remedy for all but deaths for that which is not in one threed shall be in a hundred . i will make with the haires and the cords a hanke which shall have no lesse force then the captaines sacke , and for as much as your mistresse is so cruel as you say , i wil adde thereto a small matter which shall make her , that she shall never be able to take rest while she see you . it is that which i looke for , myfriend , answerd hee , let us martyr her in such sort , that my love may torment her thoughts & her memory , & performe my businesse quickly , before my masters be ended . speaking thus we came to the roo●e of a tree , the place at which i had told him that his inchātment should be made , and in an instant making a circle , & ●eaching him what he should doe , i made him goe into it starke naked to the skin , because i had neede of a shirt . having him there in this fashion , i tooke his mistresse haires , & twisting them with a cord i made a big roule , with which i tyed his hands to the stumpe of a tree , shewing him the mysterie that was hid in every ceremonie , & i would faine also have tied his feete , if i had not feared that hee should have suspected this to be rather the fact of a robber then of a magitian , but as his hands were enough for my purpose i would do no more . finally having made thē 〈…〉 boūd , defended frō the sharpnes of the cold aire with the onely fire of love , that burned in their heart , there was no body that could hinder me to give two or three knocks at the lock of my chaine with a hammer that i carried in my pocket and taking their horses and clothes i got me out of sight & , being armed like 〈◊〉 s. george i tooke 〈…〉 high way to lions . chap. xi . in which the theefe 〈◊〉 the disgrace that happen●d to him , about a 〈◊〉 of pearle . with the victorie of this dāgerous journey , i tooke the high way towards the town of lyons , joyfull to see my self free , & the owner of foure and twentie double pistolls , which i found by the hazard in my masters pockets with which and with their clothes being brave & gallant i went into the towne , & falling in love with as many brave dames as were there : i talked of love to all that i met with , and receiving particular favours of some , because my presence and my clothes assured them that i was a man of some great house and of good ranke . true it is that to keep them in this errour , and to hold my selfe in the good account with which i had be gun , i oftentimes visited the merchants of greatest credit , telling them , that i lookt for some merchandise from venice , and promising to deale with , i made them in love with me , and they trusted my words as much as my outside and my honest looks did deserue . by which & by counterfeit noblenesse , some gentle women tooke occasiō to be as far in love with me , as thysbe was with piramus , to whom i gave correspondence in the best manner , ●hough i understood that i was not so blinded with love but this colour'd goodwil , & these fained sighs tended rather for my monies then for any good quality or beauty , of mine . but as there is nothing that can resist the kinde alluremēts by which a woman maketh warre against him , whom she minded to deceive i suffered my selfe a little to ●e carried away by amorous shewes of a gentle woman of the towne , merry , pleasant &c who entertained me best though she was none of the fairest : who making shew that she was taken with my love , in a short time emptied my poore purse , leaving me like an image wrapt up in velvet . i pressed also to binde her by allmeanes possible answerable to her fained affection , not so much for my contentment , as for that she was provided with fine knackes , which she had bin accustomed to aske of any new lover such as are chaines , rings bracelets , & above all a chain of pearle , so bigge , round & bright , that at the very sight of them any man of courage would desire them : this friendship at first was very hot , & had a prosperous gale of winde , but as soone as she perceived the weakenesse of my purse , she struck the sailes of her good-will , & began to looke upon me with a crosse & sowre countenance , an accident which in some sort put me in doubt , & made me distrust that i should never work my seate , which i had projected at the beginning of her loves . so before that any falling out or vexing should rise between us , relying upon the kinde offers which a little before she had made me , making me understand , that not only her goods , but also her very life shuld be sacrificed to my friendship ; i requested her to ●awn her chain or her pearls for to contribute with her for the expences of the kitchin , assuring her that i looked for two thousand ducats from a living which i had in my country . but as they are old and subtle in their trade so they are also in their distrust , and so she excused her selfe , saying that the pearles and the chain were pawns of a friend of hers who was to ●ome and redeeme them the 〈◊〉 day , and that her honor should be greatly endangered if she had them not in readinesse . there needed no small 〈◊〉 to cover the annoy which that crafty answere bred me , ●or little wit to turne into jest such a plaine denyall . so without making any shew , or answering one word to that purpose , i fell a laughing most heartily over her shoulders , saying to her , that it was a device that i had framed to try her good will and to see if she would indeede confirme that which she had promist by her words , and drawing out of my pocket a counterfeit letter of exchange , i made her reade it that she migh● see the power that was given me to take up eight hundred ducats from a rich marchant of lyons , who● she knew well , where with comming to her selfe from her rugged coynesse , shee fell againe into her smiling humour , giving me a few light blowes on my cheeke , calling me distrustfull and mocker . i went away from her with a thousand embracings , making her beleeve , that i was going to receive a part of that sum , and god knowes what my heart was . but as povertie hath ever bin the mother of inventions , amongst many others which my imaginatiō afforded me , i choosed out one which was to sell my 〈◊〉 at any rate whatsoe●er , being content only to ●●ve monie to live upon ●ut three dayes , at the end ●f which i minded to have ● fling at her pearles , and so to get mee out of the way ▪ but it happened quite contrarie to me ; i went to catch the wooll but i came backe fleec't which was the just judgement of god , and a righteous punishment of my fault . for though the proverbe saith , he that steales from a theefe winneth a hundred yeares of pardon : yet the theft that is done to women of this kinde , is not put upon this account . but it should be rather held for a great offence , because that for the monies they receive they sell their honor and reputation which ca● not be redeem'd withall th● treasures of the world . 〈◊〉 came to passe then , that 〈◊〉 returning in the evenin● to her house , and makin● my pockets jingle with th● money that i had receive● for my horse , she met m● with embracings , so smiling and kinde , that with her fauning and flatteries , shee made me almost beleeve , that th● refusall she had made me of her pearles , had beene but a tryall and proofe , which she would make of my affection . finally order was given for making supper ready , with which and the tricks that i minded to put upon her , at the comming of my money , i resolved to change her in such sort , that her first sleepe ▪ i should ●●e the commoditie to as●●lt her , and shee never to ●rceive it . but my desires 〈◊〉 not so good successe as ●hought , because that such ●omen know more then 〈◊〉 devill , particularly she , ●ho as an old beaten bel●●me in her trade , there ●as no ambush nor deceit , which shee had not pried ●nto . so the more i urged ●er to drinke , so much the more shee proved coy and backeward . supper ended with all the joy that i could faine , and the hope which that good occasion promist 〈◊〉 , we withdrawing our selves into her chamber , she began to untire her selfe with as much slownesse as it had beene her wedding night . but i desirous to arrive 〈◊〉 the haven of my intent●●on , to make her more car●lesse and lesse suspitious 〈◊〉 went to bed first , fain●● my selfe unable any mo●● to withstand sleepe tha● urged me so eagerly . my disgrace was such , that shee distrusting the summe , that i had bragged to have received , and taking occasion by my dogges sleepe shee would search my pockets to trie if all was gold that glister'd , and if the nuts were answerable to the noise . but finding there was so little monie that it would scarcely furnish out the next dayes expence , she began to be vexed and to have an ill opinion of me . at all this ( though snorting ) i was ●ore watchfull and more a ●nting then a cat when 〈◊〉 watches a mouse , spying 〈◊〉 what place she laid her ●earles , that i might fish ●●em incontinent when ●ee was fallen asleepe . she ●ay downe sad and con●ounded , thinking on the small summe of mony , that ●hee had found , and oft-times sighing . whereof i would in no wise aske the cause , as knowing it well enough , and not desirous to let her from sleeping which i so much desired and long'd for . so a quarter of an houre after , which was the time that in my conceit , shee was past all thinking of it any further , i thought of mine owne designes , weighing well all the inconveniencies whic● might fall out , among●● which i considered the suspition , conceived by her to be most difficult , it seeming to me that she would not sleepe but by halfes , and that seeing the least appearance of that shee imagined , shee would raise the house with her cryes , and put all the neighbours in armes . but amongst many inventions , there came a subtle one in my minde , and most fit for the purpose to this fact , which was , not to hide the pearles in any part of my clothes , but to swallow them one and one , being assured that having past them through my body they would come forth more cleere and bright then 〈◊〉 before , and that in this ●anner though all came to 〈◊〉 worst , the iustice would 〈◊〉 mee free not finding 〈◊〉 pearles about mee . this thought , in my opi●ion seemed admirable good , and thinking that she was asleepe , seeing shee ●●ghed no more , nor shewed ●ny more her unquietnesse . i rose as softly , as was possible , going barefooted and at leasure to the place , where she had left her pearles , and having found them , i began to swallow them one after another , though with some difficultie , i being narrow throated , and they very big . my ill lucke was that while i was , about to swallow the last , it stucke in my weazand so unhappily , that it could neither goe forewar● nor backeward , i was forced to cough with som● violence , and to awake h●● with my coughing , shee cal●● upon me with teares and ●●stonisht , and i dissemblin● the best i could the hinderance of my weazand , answered her that i was seeking for the chamber-pot wit● which shee was well apai● for a while , though not satisfied with my answer , it seeming a thing unlikely to looke on the cupboord for the chamber-pot , which was usually set under the bed , wherefore casting with her selfe the meanes to satisfie her suspition , without making any shew of distrust , shee counterfeited an exceeding fore paine in her bellie ●●ring great cries , and cal●●g to her two maides that ●re in the house for light , ●●d some warme clothes : ●●ee held in her dissembled ●●ine for the space of halfe 〈◊〉 houre , supposing that ●ould be enough to take ●●om me the suspition of her ●unning slights . about the ●●d of which , shee riseth 〈◊〉 bed like lightning , and looking round about the ●●me with a lighted candle and where shee had left her pearles , and no finding them , without speaking ever a word , or asking any other ●eason then what her imagination perswaded her , she begunne to beate her face with her fists , that incontinent shee fill'd her mouth with bloud , uttering after that loud and shrill cry●● that in lesse then a quarter of an houre , above two hundred people were assembled , and amongst them the iustice , who breaking open the doores of the house , came up furiously , finding me in my shirt , and her in her night attyre , with her haire about her eares and her face scratcht , calling to me for her pearles most furiously . the iudge commands that every one should hold their peace , that hee might be inform'd of the fact , and take the deposition of us both , and hee having begunne with me , i gave him content with very humble words , so that neither his threatnings nor intreaties could draw any other answere from me . neverthelesse the iudge seeing the womans vehement complaints and bitter teares charged that my clothes should be search't which was executed with such care and diligence , that hardly a moate of the sunne could have beene hid in them , and they not finding there the pearles all of them with one accord judged mee to be innocent , and condemned her as subtle , shamelesse , and dissembled . she seeing then that they all spake against her , and misregarded her complaints , cast her selfe downe at the iudges feete , tearing her haire , and rending her clothes , and uttering such strong cryes , that the iudge knew not what to thinke , nor what resolution to take , and consulting of the matter with those he brought with him , he resolved , that it having beene verified that she had the pearles when she went to bed , they should be searched for , in all the most secret corners of the chamber , they not being found , they should send for an apothecary , that should give me a potion mingled strongly with scammonie , to the end that if i had swallowed them , i might cast cast them up againe . the iudges sentence was put in execution , and having done their diligence proposed about the chamber , and not finding the pearls , they were forced to come to the last remedy , which was the physicke , they which forced me to take in full health without the physitians appointment , and against my wil , & though i did all that was possible for me to vomite them , there was no meane to make me doe it , so a vehement strife being awakened in my guts i was compelled to give way to the pearles , and to tarry my selfe in prison , enjoying the favours which these gentlemen iustices are wont to bestow upon those that fall into their hands . chap. xii . in which the thiefe relateth the last disgrace that befell him . it was about sixe a clocke at night , when my andrew made an end of telling me his disaster about the pearles , and i desiring to know the last that kept him then in prison , i intreated him to tell mee it from point to point , without missing any thing remarkeable : wherein hee being willing to give me content hee answered joyfully in this manner . if god would have pleased that this should be my last disgrace , and if it had beene as soone ended as i shall end the discourse thereof i should have thought my selfe happie ; but i dare not trust to my hard lucke , because that it being accustomed to persecute me , i do not beleeve that it will ever cease to use mee unkindly with new torments . know then that the iustice of lyons having condemned me in two hundred lashes of the whip , through the streets accustomed , for such malefactours , and marking me with the towne marke , they banisht me the towne with shame enough , allowing me but three daies only to dispatch my businesse and goe into banishment : during which dayes i thought upon a thousand fantasticall discourses , bethinking my selfe , how i might repaire the povertie that had overtaken me after so great abundance . and after i had bethought my selfe of a thousand plots , never a one of which pleased me , the divell put one in my head , which was the trouble that i now am in . i bethought my selfe that the same day that i was whip● , 〈◊〉 famous theefe came after me , whom the iudge had condemned to the same paine , a young man of good disposition , and of a vigorous courage , wittie , and one of the cunningest theeves that in all my life i had dealt withall , but unhappie as well as my selfe . i acquainted my selfe with him to trie , i● betweene two wretched caitives we could finde some comfort in so great a mishap , and communicating one with tho'other our intent and thoughts , we resolved to make a journey together to paris . but before wee were fully resolved of all things fitting for the voyage , we had a consultation about our povertie , and infamie , descanting upon the meanes which we might make in so great mishap , and thinking it was not safe for us to embarke our selves in so great a citie as paris , not having meanes to live on there , and by which to busie our selves , at least while wee were knowne . and after that he had given me the hearing a long while , and heedefully heard all the reasons and designes which i propounded , he said , master lucas ( for that was the name which i had at lions ) the inventions that you shew me are good and worthy of such a spirit as yours : but they bee hard and difficult questions . wherefore leaving them for another occasion , i will tell you one , which if it fal out well , it may well be that we shall get out of this miserie . this is that we may use diligence to finde in this citie of lions some marchant that hath trade and correspondence at paris , from whom wee may get a letter directed to his friend , and having found him , you shal tell him secretly , that you will make up some packes of marchandise in this towne to be transported to flanders with some mony , and leave all at paris in the hands of some sure man , that it might be kept safe , while you go to antwerp , where you shall make as if you have a cozen germane , to trie the price , and how your marchandise may be past off ; and that having never beene at paris , nor made any acquaintance to whom you might recommend your packes , you shall intreate him to write to some merchant of his friends , that hee may keepe them for you . for so much , i suppose , hee will not refuse you , and if he agreeth to it , let me alone . you shall see how i will rule my hands ? if that be all that hinders you , said i , i will finde them that shall give me a thousand letters , and not one only though i am now disgraced , and with infamie yet bleeding , i would have you to know , that there was moe than foure that will doe somewhat for me , and that this is true you shall see by and by . with these words i went from him , and going to a marchants house of my acquaintance , asking of him a letter , after the forme that my camerade had told me , with which i ●eturned exceeding content , and putting it into his hand , he kissed it a thousand times , praising my diligence and credit , and so at last we came to paris with it , where wee being retired to a chamber of the suburbs , we made two packes , with some pieces of coorse canvasse , the rest full of sundry things , such as old shooes , old clothes , ragges , and such other wares , and my camerade put himselfe in the third , wherein i packt him up so neately and handsomly , that neither his packe nor the other two seemed to be nothing else but camlots or fustians . our packes being made up , i went to give the letter to the marchant to whom it was directed , who received it most gladly offering me all his house . after this wee agreed that i should send the packes at eight a clocke at night , to save the custome other dues to be paid by the marchants , amongst which entred that of my companion , if not full of camlots , yet at least of cords , ladder , hooke , file , lantern , knife and other militarie tooles , with which to make war for necessitie , and robbe the marchants mony . he then being entred and all in the house asleepe , because it was past eleven a clocke he slit the canvasse with a knife , and comming out hee search't all the corners of the house , throwing out at the windowes some apparell and silke gownes with that seemed to him to be of the least , which i gathering up in the streete with great diligence , the divell would have it , that the watch in the meane while came by , with so great silence and dissimulation , that they gave me no leasure to hide our bootie , which i was gathering up , nor to betake my selfe to the flight . and as there was no great neede of questioning mee for to know my cops-mates , sith these wares could not fall from heaven , they perceived that my camerade was above , whom , after they led mee to the prison , they imprisoned also for the same crime . he went out a fort night agoe , being condemned to the gallies for ten yeares , and i feare not much lesse , if the mercie and bountie of the iudges have not some pitie of me . chap. xiii . of the statutes and lawes of theeves . by the discourse which i have made of my historie , saith honest andrew , i have noted that you did not like well that i called our company a common-weale , it seeming to you that wee are governed only by the desire wee have to steale , without any other law or reason , which is clean contrary , seeing that amongst us is done nothing which is not ruled by reason laws , statuts & ordināces , punishing those that otherwise exercise our arte . we have in the first place a captain & superiour , all sorts of whom theevsobey , & he disposeth of their thefts w ch they shold act , nāing these whoseeme to him the fittest for the purpose , and choosing the cūningest & wisest of the cōpany for the most difficult & dangerous thefts . and in this there is so good order kept , that there is no man amōgst us that forgetteth one only point of his duty , nor that passeth the bounds of his commission undertaking that w ch is in another mans charge nor medling with greater matters than his capacity can cōpasse . and know this that it is the most essētiall point of our cōmon wealth , by the disorders wherof all others are undone this captain examineth him that cōmeth newly unto the company giving him three months of novice ship , to try his courage , inclinatiō & ability , in w ch time , he propoundeth to him some witty questions as be these ; to hang up some little thing without ladder , pole or line ; to steale a mans horse as he is riding on him upō the way ; to snatch a way a courtiers band amōgst a hundred people , & many other things of this kinde . and having known his inclinatiō & capacity , he givs him the office of a robber , of a grumet , of a cut-purse , or any other wherof he is found to be most capable . you will not deny but that this manner of proceeding is a great state point , just reasonable , & so necessary for the common wealth , that because it hath not bin practised , so great disorders are seene every where in it , seeing violence can promise no other good end . i will tel you that estates and offices should be given to every one , according to his natural inclination , without enforcing or tying him by any respect to another thing than to that which it desireth , not following that which troubleth , to wit , unquietnesse and mishap . for i held it impossible , that shee whom her parents shall put in a cloister against her will , for want of monie to marrie her , can live in peace and contentment . as also he wil never proue a better husband● who for the only pleasure of his parents , and against his minde is tyed in marriage , and so of other employments . we have a notable example of this good order in the lacedemonians state , a curious people , civill and wise , who suffered their children to grow up in libertie , without putting them upon any employment , nor to store up their appetite to any other estate , than to that to which their minde prompted them , and when they came to age and discretion they might choose of themselves the meane to live by most proper and most befitting their naturall inclination , and thence it proceeded that all their actions were so wel ordered and so per●it . after this manner our cōmon wealth is governed , & with this la●● our captain ruleth the capacity of those , who come newly● unto him , be●●owing on hi●● the office & maner of stealin●● according to the dispositio●● that hee hath taken notice o● in him in the months of his novice-ship . this captaine is an old man , wise , well experienced & finally exempted from the trade , as being one who●● force and nimblenesse having failed for the practize , he exerciseth the theorie with us teaching us the method and precepts of stealing . to which end he makes 〈◊〉 meete together once a week●● in a certaine place appointe● for the purpose , where h●● bindeth us to give a strict a●●count of all the thefts and accidents that have happened ●●erein , reproving sharply those who are negli●ent and prove vnprofitable , praysing the vigilant and ●●btle . this is done ordinarily on saturday night , on which day he appointeth all that must be done the weeke following , sharing out to every one the places that he shold keep in , & the thefts in which he shuld be emploied , taking of thē all a strict oath of faithfulnesse , & punishing the offenders , the first time abridging him of that part of the theft which belongeth to him , the secōd depriving him of the place of sixe moneths , and if he be incorrigible and stubborne , he puts him into the hands of the marshall . if hee falls in a fault by negligence & carelesnesse , 〈◊〉 it may be by comming to 〈◊〉 to his place , to go elsewhere , or let slip some occasion i●● not laying hold of it , he is deprived of a weekes benefit , 〈◊〉 taking from him the office of a theefe , he puts him in the office of a spie , or of a watch-man , for the time that our councell shall appoint . of all thefts in the first place is allotted the fifth par● to him , that spares the whi●● to us , banishment , the gallies , the gallowes , and that which remaineth of the tenths for pious uses , which are , to succour the sicke and needie of our companie , to● release prisoners , and to eas●● the disgraces of those th●● have no monie . we receive no women in ●●e companie , unlesse it be in ●se of great necessitie , and when it cannot be other●ise , because by nature they ●●nnot keepe secrets , & they being unable to eschew this inconvenience we are bound upon great paines not to reveale unto them , how , from whom , and when wee have stollen . ●he that commits the theft hath equall share with the captaine for paines & danger that hee hath put himselfe in , his complices have the third part , and the spies the fift . as for the honour and respect which is due to every one , there is such an order kept , that no wrong is done to any one of the companie , every officer having hi● ranke and place appointed i● all our meetings , assemblies and consultations . for the first are the robbers , next the stafadours , then the grumets , after these the ho●bgoblins , then follow the wooll-drawers , the mallets follow them , and last the apostles , cigarets , cut-purses , and caterers . over all these a kinde of theeves bearesway , called among us liberalls , whose office is to undertake some strange points , as to blacke their faces with inke o●kennell durt , to hang garlands of hornes at mens doores , libells or such like , and these are the wittyest of all the company , and those who as it were indued with the best wit and invention , weigh and foreseeing all the difficulties that can happen in a dangerous case . none of the companie may make any quarrell , noise or contentiō with another , about any matter whatsoever , unlesse it be fained or subtle , to avoide any suspition , that may be offered . we may not eate twice two of us together in one and the same tavern or vi●ailling house , except it be once in the fev'night , to th' end that if any thing come in the way to be stollen there we may breede no suspition among●● them that should ●e●us there . we are forbidden also 〈◊〉 go together through the city 〈…〉 another ; unlesse it be to fall a quarrelling , & to make some false blowe at one another , to draw people together , that upon the occasion of our quarrell the cutpurses may make up their hand . every professor of the companie carrieth his badge and secret marke , by which he is in an instant known of us all , understanding by this order , how many there are of an office in every streete & part of the town . so the robbers be are alwaies a glove handing and made fast by one finger . the wooll drawers button their doublet by intercession 〈◊〉 is to say , they but ●on one ▪ and misse the next . the 〈…〉 their finger into one of their no strils . the cut-purses have a little white marke in their hat-bands . the mal●etes beare their cloake after a certaine fashion , and finally every particular office hath its particular token by which it is known among the company . when any woman of the companie is married every profession gives her five crowns to augment her portion , keeping neverthelesse such an order , that she may not be married but to one of her owne trade ; that is to say , the daughter of a robber with a man of the same vocation or calling . and if by chance some cut-purse should marrie his daughter with a robber , staffador or grumet , hee is bound to give him a hundred crowns in portion more then ordinarie , because his sonne of law is of greater and higher office then the father is . we make a vow of patience and suffering , promising to be couragious and constant against torture , though we be seldome put to it , because ( as i have told you ) all that is salv'd with the fifth part . and to the end that all the places of the towne may be sufficiently provided , it is enacted that every professour that shall come newly to a place , should put there some marke , shewing thereby the number of theeves which are in that part : so the first that commeth layth a die in some secret corner , and yet well known to those of the companie , with the a●e turned upwards ; the second that commeth , turneth the die to the deuse point , the third to the trey , the fourth to the quarter , and so the others to the ●ise , and being come to that number , the same office stayeth in the same place , because that according to our lawes we cannot be above six in one and the same place : and when any one goeth away he turnes the die upon the number of theeves that remaine , in such sort , that they being six , the first that goeth away turnes the die to the cinque poin● the second to the quarter the third to the trey , b● which number he that i● behinde of the theeves i● knowne . we are bound to nourish● and sustaine all the creeples , blinde , sick , and those whom their extreame old age excuseth from stealing . none of us may weare cloake , hat , breeches , doublet nor any thing else that was stollen , nor sell gold , silver or jewells in that towne where they were stollen , under paine of a great and exemplarie punishment . wee are commanded to carry alwayes a false bea●d in our pocket , with plaisters of sundry sorts , to disguise us in an instant when occasion shall require , as concerning religion we are halfe christians , because that of the two principall commandments of god● law we keep one , which is to love god , but in no case our neighbour because we take from him that he hath . next we receive and allow of the two parts of confession ( because now and then we confess ) and contrition , but of the third , which is satisfaction or restitution we not so much as make mention or talk. finis . notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a01433-e680 the author would not haue beene so vehement , had he been in one of our english prisons , which for the most part are made rather places of ease and delight then punishment . spanish apparitors what sort of people . these theevis● words of the trade are afterward made cleare . to be whipt at the carts taile . burnd on the shoulders . see cap. 7. p. 54. see cap 7. cap. 7. ibids 〈◊〉 lavernæ, or, the spanish gipsy the whole art, mystery, antiquity, company, noblenesse, and excellency of theeves and theeving : with their statutes, laws, customes, practices, varieties, and differences, also their originall, rise, and beginning, of what parents, education and breeding the author was : with a pleasant discourse hee had in prison with a most famous theefe, and also his last disgrace, being a work no lesse curious than delectable / first written in spanish by don. garcia ; now in english by w.m. desordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. english garcia, carlos. this text is an enriched version of the tcp digital transcription a42233 of text r177476 in the english short title catalog (wing g212). textual changes and metadata enrichments aim at making the text more computationally tractable, easier to read, and suitable for network-based collaborative curation by amateur and professional end users from many walks of life. the text has been tokenized and linguistically annotated with morphadorner. the annotation includes standard spellings that support the display of a text in a standardized format that preserves archaic forms ('loveth', 'seekest'). textual changes aim at restoring the text the author or stationer meant to publish. this text has not been fully proofread approx. 193 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 144 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. earlyprint project evanston,il, notre dame, in, st. louis, mo 2017 a42233 wing g212 estc r177476 19525987 ocm 19525987 108986 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a42233) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 108986) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1688:4) lavernæ, or, the spanish gipsy the whole art, mystery, antiquity, company, noblenesse, and excellency of theeves and theeving : with their statutes, laws, customes, practices, varieties, and differences, also their originall, rise, and beginning, of what parents, education and breeding the author was : with a pleasant discourse hee had in prison with a most famous theefe, and also his last disgrace, being a work no lesse curious than delectable / first written in spanish by don. garcia ; now in english by w.m. desordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. english garcia, carlos. w. m. (william melvin) [11], 253 [i.e. 271], [1] p. : ill. [s.n.], london printed : 1650. translation of author's la desordenada codicia de los bienes agenos. running title: the antiquitie of theeves. "imprimatur thomas weekes. februarie 5, 1637"--p. [1] at end. numerous errors in paging. woodcut frontispiece opposite t.p. reproduction of original in the british library. eng thieves -fiction. rogues and vagabonds -fiction. a42233 r177476 (wing g212). civilwar no lavernæ, or the spanish gipsy: the whole art, mystery, antiquity, company, noblenesse, and excellency of theeves and theeving: with their st garcía, carlos, doctor 1650 35823 21 0 0 0 0 0 6 b the rate of 6 defects per 10,000 words puts this text in the b category of texts with fewer than 10 defects per 10,000 words. 2007-01 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2007-01 apex covantage keyed and coded from proquest page images 2007-03 jason colman sampled and proofread 2007-03 jason colman text and markup reviewed and edited 2008-02 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion lavernae , or the spanish gipsy : the whole art , mystery , antiquity , company , noblenesse , and excellency of theeves and theeving : with their statutes , laws , customes , practises , varieties , and differences : also their originall , rise , and beginning , of what parents , education , and breeding the author was : with a pleasant discourse hee had in prison with a most famous theefe . and also his last disgrace : being a work no lesse curious then delectable . first written in spanish , by don. garcia : now in english by w. m. london , printed not in new gate , 1650. the preface to the reader . mens naturall inclination is alwayes prone and addicted to so great rashnesse , that though vice of it selfe is so abominable & blame-worthy , notwithstanding there be too many who openly praise it , and account it their honour to practise it . thence it cōmeth to passe that theft , being a pernicious vice and forbidden by the lawes , doth not cease to be followed by many , who to defend themselves from the reproaches which may be laid against them , alleage that the lacedemonians a people very severe and just , permitted the use thereof to their youth ; that the aegyptians held those for able men that could steal best . that for the same subject the poets in their writings have bragged of the subtilty of mercurius , and of the cunning of the goddesse laverna who was the theeves patronesse . briefly , that this profession is made commendable by the crafty trickes of many that have exercised it , such as were prometheus the father of deucalion , cacus and autolicus , the one the son of vulcan and the other of mercurie , arsaces king of the parthians , denis tyrant of sicilie , the emperour nero , leo sonne of constantine copronimus , fulvius , flaccus censor , ninus king of aegipt , to whom iustin ascribeth the invention of so fine a trade , and a great many others with whō the books of authors are filled . to which we may adde , that even the most understanding men are not free from this vice , if it be certaine ( as saith simplicius ) that the prince of the peripatetiques ( aristotle ) stole that which he hath from the most excellent of those that went before him . that virgil drew all his richest inventions from homor , hesiod and theocritus , and that cicero boldly furnisht himselfe with the doctrine of the stoiques academiques and epicures . but for all this , it cannot be but that naturall reason must put downe all these vaine opinions , because according to aquinas , theft is quite cōtrary to that love which we owe to our neighbours , and with-all to gods law and mans law . and to this effect beside that in exodus and leviticus it is expresly forbidden , it is yet also detested by the apostle s. paul , where speaking to the ephesiant he saith , let him that stole steale no more : but let him rather labour and worke with his hands . also the people of old taking notice of this truth ordained against theeves severall sorts of punishments , especially the grecians & the athenians , as ludovicus vives doth very wel observe , who saith that the emperor frederick the third was the first that condemned them to the gallies : ovid speakes to this purpose that scyron one of the renowned theeves of his time was thrown head-long into the sea by theseus , procrustes kill'd by hercules and sysiphus cut in peeces . virgil that pedant balista was stoned for his thefts ; and the divine arious , that the king agrement caused brunellus the cunningest thiefe that ever was to be hang'd for having boldly stollen angelicus ring and scripants horse . i passe all the other examples that i might alleage : to tell you in a word , good reader , that this booke discourseth not here so much of the antiquitie of theeves and of their cunning slights , as to teach thee to eschew them , for if it be true that the wounds of darts which are foreseene from farre , are not so hurtfull as those which are shot at us unawares . i assure my selfe that the reader will use it as an instrument to avoide the snares which leud fellowes ordinarily lay for honest men , farewel . the antiqivtie of theeves chap. i. in which the author compareth the miseries of prison to the paines of hell . the terror of hell which is set forth to us in holy writings , doth so resemble to us the miseries which are endured in prison , that if this had not that hope which th'other wanteth we might attribute unto it the title of a true hell , seeing that in this which is most proper to them , the one and the other haue a mutuall and full correspondence , which maketh me to wonder much at the vnprofitable diligence with which some late writers distill their brain 's to finde the meanes how they may properly represent unto the world the horrour of that terrible mansion , when they might have attained to the end of their purpose in shewing onely the desperate life which people suffer in prison , which shall be perfitly knowne with its extreame miserie , if first of all we particularly treate of the torments which are perpetually exercised in hell . the authors , who write upon this subject , bring the paines of hell to two points ; the first and chiefe of which is their depriving from the essence of god , which they call essentiall paine , it being that , which properly containeth all the torments that can be imagined in hel. and that same is so extreame and so cruell , that if the soule had in the other world as many pleasures and contentments as the thought of man could imagine , being deprived of god , it could not have any thing which had one onely shadow of comfort . because that god being the roote and the fountaine of all goodnesse , and all contentments and delights , which are in the world being stored up in him alone , it is evident that with him the soule shall have all consolation which is possible to be imagined and that without him it shall be plunged into a bottomlesse depth of sorrow & confusion , with which and with the certainty that it hath , that its griefes shall never be ended , it curseth its being , its birth and its life . the other paine which the damned suffer in hell is the accidentall paine , so called because it is joyned to the former as an accident , which serveth to make the apprehension of the damned more sensible , throwing them headlong into the bitter sight of their miserie . to this is joyned the detestable companie of divells , the horrible and frightfull lodging , the severall kindes of torments , the continuall lamentations , the disorder , the confusion , the fire , the brimstone , the darkenesse and a thousand other afflictions , of which , and of the depriving of gods being and presence , that wretched and perpetuall hell is composed . and as touching the varietie of officers , that beare rule in this darke dungeon ; wee know already that in that great battell which saint michael th'archangell had against lucifer , for the throne and the glory of the creator , not onely the same lucifer fell from heaven , and from the highest of his perfection to the lowest and hollowest gulfes of hell ▪ but also a great number of evill angells with him , who were copartners with him in his rash and accursed purpose . and these although they do equally partake with him in the paine essentiall , which is being deprived of god , have neverthelesse some difference amongst themselves : whether it be that everyone is of one kind , as saith a doctor of the church , or whether for that they had more or lesse consent in his malice . because that without doubt those who obstinatly defended the pride of lucifer fell with him into the deepest place of the earth which is the center of the the world where divines doe place hell . and those who were not so vehement ; but onely approved his purpose with a certaine and determinate fellow-liking , fell not so low : i will say that the accidentall paine of them was not so great as that of these others . and of this sort the accidentall paine of these spirits was made severall according to the degrees of the malice which they had in their sinne . and though that in hell there is no order , as iob saith ; there is notwithstanding a certaine government and order among these spirits vnder-placed and divided into severall companies with diverse degrees and qualities . so as the good angells in the heavenly ierusalem are divided by their order into angells , archangells , thrones , powers , cherubins , seraphins , and other holy dignities . all the legions of divels which fell from heaven remained subject to the archangell michael , who hath commandement and empire overthem all . as also according to some mens opinions , every good angell of princes hath commandement over one legion . and beside the obedience which all of them owe to saint michael , as to their captaine generall vnder god , they have also among them their prince of malice , to whom they are subject and obey , and upon him depend diverse lievetenants and governors , who wholly divide the governement of all the hellish malice , every one of them having vnder his charge the disposing and good order of his band . neither lesse nor more than in a well ordered campe , where there is a great multitude of souldiers , the body of the armie is divided into severall regiments , as are the generall , the camp-master , captaines , ensignes , sergeants , corporalls and others of this sort , who order the souldiers and the armie . and as there are sundry offices of these , some being foote , others horse , some musqueters , others pikemen , and finally of severall employments : there are also among the evill spirits severall offices and places , some tempting by covetousnesse , others by riotousnesse , others by ambition , and finally , every particular sinne hath its appointed and determinate officers , having all of them equally ; one onely end and scope to carrie soules to hell . in this divellish armie there are some divels , that never come out of hell , but are evermore shut up within it , receiving the soules which enter in thither , and giving to them a place and kinde of torment which their sinnes deserve . there are others who are ever wandring , compassing the earth to and fro , and searching for soules to carrie them into hel. neverthelesse let no man thinke that these have any power or authoritie to beare away one soule to hell , nor these others to shut up in their darke dennes , vnlesse it be by the expresse commandement and particular commission of god . and so much concerning these hellish officers . as for its largenesse , it is such , that all sorts of sinfull soules enter into hell , and it is ordinarily full fraughted and peopled with blasphemers , perjur'd persons , murtherers , adulterers , envious persons , and to conclude with all sorts of evill-doers : who although they have in common the essentiall paine , which is the wanting of god , and are all of them in hell , yet they have severall roomes and torments according to everie ones deferving , sithence it is certaine that the paine of him that oweth little shall not be so great at all as the paine of him that oweth much , and that the just iudge chastiseth and recompenseth every one according as he deserveth . to all this varietie is added the extreme confusion of hell , the disorder , the vnquietnesse , the vnrulie cariage ; and continualagitation , with which they are alwaies tormented , seeing it is evident , that where rage and despaire reigneth , there can be no friendly fellowship nor agreement . this estate , practise & disposition of the horrible pit of this hellish lodging is the lively pourtraict of that desperate life , which men suffer in prison , in which the beholder shal find so in tire & so mutuall a correspondence that there is not almost any other difference between them but in the name . because that first to the essentiall paine of hel , which is the depriving of gods powerful presence , the want of liberty hath correspondence , which with a just title we may cal a paine essentiall , for so much as it is the queen of al the apprehēsions & motives of sorrow , which are able to afflict a good wit . and as in that , the soule being deprived of god , it is also deprived of all worldly pleasures , even so in this ( to wit in prison ) it enjoyeth not any thing which hath the least shadow of content . because that although a prisoner were clothed with purple , served as a king , fed with the most delicate vitailes of the world , his chamber hang'd with cloth of gold , that hee were entertained with all sort of musicke , visited by his parents and friends , all this , nor all that could be desired more could bring him any kinde of comfort . on the contrary he should have lesse , because that all things availe nothing but to awaken his appetite and make him desire that which others enjoy , and to which he cannot attaine . whence proceedeth the increasing of his want ( of libertie ) and consequently his paine . the harshnesse and force of depriving ( of libertie ) may be easily , known by its contrarie , this being infallible that the depriving of one thing shall be by so much evill as the possession of it shall be good . and libertie being the most precious iewell of the soule , and the greatest perfection , which the vnbounded author of this , hath engrafted in the reasonable creature ; it is certaine that the depriving thereof shall be the most crosse and vnsufferable of all others . that libertie is that which guideth and directeth mans actions to diverse ends , without enforcing them and with pleasure , choosing , and commanding , experience teacheth this , in which the supreme work-master would distinguish man from other living creatures , whose end obtaineth by a naturall instinct , which leadeth them , as by a bridle , to the appetite and delight in it , and that it is so powerfull , and maketh man so absolute , that his vnderstanding having proposed the good , the perfect , the honest and the delectable , he may resolve with himselfe to love it or not to love it at all , sith that none but god may aske a reason of this so absolute commandement , naturall philosophie telleth it . whence and from many other reasons , which i could bring , it is clearely perceived that there is not any thing in the world , to which the essentiall paine of hell can more properly be compared , than to the depriving of libertie , seeing it bringeth man to such extremitie , that he abhorreth himselfe , his being , his ranke , and his estate . he knoweth well this truth which i write , who hath sometimes beene in prison , laded with chaines and with irons , subject to the rage of that terrible abode , cursing ( though noble and well borne ) his being , his condition and noblenesse , grieving to be that which he is , and wishing to be a great deale meaner . in midst of which despaire hee envieth the peaceable condition and tranquillity , of the commons , and could wish to have beene borne of the most base dregs of the people . he curseth his actions and his studies , the points of honour which his parents taught him , the vnderstanding which he hath , thinking with himselfe , that if he were a privat man , he should not at all see himselfe in so miserable and so extreame a perplexitie , and that this would not be litle enough for him , if despaire left him amongst the folke of that same sort and nature : but it goeth on refining and consuming him in the fire of impatience , in such sort , that it draweth him out of his reasonable being , and bringeth him to that of a brute beast , and to the most base and infinite kindes of them , that groaning for libertie , he envieth the bird that flieth , the dog that barketh , the pismire that travelleth , and desireth to be one of them . and the venome of this fierce beast stayeth not there , for tying harder the cords of a poore prisoner , it draweth him out of the ranke and file of living creatures , making him desire to be a tree , an image or a stone , bringing him to nothing , and making him bewaile that ever hee was borne in the world . by which it is clearely seene that the want of liberty making so unhappy a change in man , as to throw him headlong from the highest & most perfect of his inclination and appetite , to the basest and lowest , and from the image and likenesse of god , to nothing ; this is the most strong and most rigorous paine that can be imagined , and that which truely doth better represent the essential paine of hell . to the accidentall paine doe correspond the innumerable afflictions and calamities , which follow the depriving of libertie , amongst which are the stinke of the prison , the disorderly frame of the buildings , the defamed companie , the continuall and huge lewd voices , the diversitie of nations , the differing humors , the shame , the persecution , the disgrace , the mocquerie , the crueltie , the blowes , the torments , the poverty and the miseries without number , which are suffered in prison , of the which , and of other depriving of libertie the lively patterne of hell is framed and composed . as touching the executioners and officers , no man will deny but that all the earth is full of incarnat divells , more obstinate and more accursed in their kinde than those of hell , the most part of them being fallen , as lucifer and his followers , from the heaven of honour . i will say that for the deserving , and sinnes which they have committed , the angell saint michael , who is the iustice , hath drawne them from the fellowship and dwelling of the good , and they seeing themselves beaten downe and dishonoured , have taken vpon them the office of divels , to avenge themselves of the poore innocent soules , running day & night thorow the streets , markets and publike places of the citie , smelling out and searching for people to lay them in prison . and these are they who commonly are called sergeants , who drag a poore man to prison with such rage and tyrannie , as these in the perpetuall hell could not utter more . and if we be able to find any difference betweene them , it is this , that the divells of hell fly from the signe of the crosse ; but those of the prison love , reverence and adore that happy signe , in such sort , that hee who would deale well with them , and somewhat turne their rigour into a litle pitie , it is necessarie that hee have alwayes the crosse in his hands , for at what time hee shall leave it , they will torment him ten times more than his sinne can deserve : but they having met with him , they say a pater noster for the soule which they take , untill they come to da nobis hodie , and they goe not at all any further . these divells are those who walke commonly through the streetes , and places of the citie , seeking for soules in the most secret corners , the multitude and trade of whom is so great , that i doe not thinke there are mote legions of divels in hell , than there be sergeants in the common-wealth . amongst them there be some that goe on horsebacke , who have charge to travell into the countrey , unto places farre remote from the citie , and to bring men into prison from places most solitarie and quiet . these , for that they being of a more haughtie nature than the others , we may call orientalls from the region of fire , and these are called archers or messengers , the legion or companie of whom hath for their chieftaine or captaine a great divell whom they call provest . there are other divels in this hell , the inferiors of the aforenamed , who goe ordinarily by tens or twenties in a companie , disguised and masked , to spie if they can catch one poore soule by treacherie , they are so cowardly so effeminate and dastardly , that they meete sometimes to the number of fortie and all to take one man , and yet they dare not adventure to take him their selves alone , without the assistance and aide of a divell with a long gown , who vsually accompanieth them . they goe alwayes atter'd , torne and naked , and this is the lowest and most infinite legion of all as the hob-goblins vnder ground , whom the people have beene accustomed to call apparitors . every legion of these divells have an infinite number of halfe-divells who goe disguised and covered through the citie , taking notice of all that is done there , with great subtiltie and craft . they take and change every day a thousand formes and shapes , shewing themselves in every companie in a severall manner ; at one occasion going like countrey-men , in an other like strangers , by & by of one profession , and by and by of another . these are they who with great sleight and subtiltie discover the price , after the same manner as the lying dogs doe the partridges , bringing the aforesaid divels to the proper place of the soule , which they would take , and pointing it out as with the finger : and these we call spies , and amongst them they are called recorders . there be other divels , who are esteemed more noble and more courteous , whose office is to repeale penalties , commissions , requests , to baile a soule , and to take the burthen on themselves , answering for it every time that the iudge asketh for it . and though it be in their keeping , they give it alwayes time and place to solicite its owne affaires , to visite its iudges , and to pleade its cause , vsing with it some pitie and friendship . finally they have a nature mingled with goodnesse and malice , and they are betweene divels and angels , whom by reason of the familiaritie which they have with man , wee may call them airie divells ; and these the common people call doore-keepers . all these aforesaid divels , & others whom i leave to mention for avoiding prolixitie , are found in the world , every one of whom goeth severall waies , leading soules into the hell of prison , & all of them , after the manner of evil spirits are divided into divers legions and troopes . yet notwithstanding they torment not the soules because they enter not into hell themselves , onely they deliver them to lacifers lievetenant the iayler , & returne incontinent vnto their walke ; for to give up their account to their captaine , of the tentations which they have practized that day , and of the number of soules which they have carried that day to prison , every one of them reckoning up the inventions & wiles which he hath practized in his hellish office . there be also other divells which never go out of the prisō , nor have any other imployment , but to torment the poore soules which enter in thither . and those are so tyrannous , so cruel & so wicked , that they satisfie not their inraged hunger but by sucking the bloud , & the life of the poore captive that fals among their hands ▪ albeit they suffer him to breath so long ; while they have emptied his purse . and these be the under porters & servants of the iayler , who , as a president of that dreadfull dwelling , receives the prisonner from the hands of the sergeant and writes in his booke the day of his entring , his accusation , his name and the name of that divell that hath taken him . these shut-up divells have no power nor authoritie to torment a soule which the others do bring in , nor these others to take them , but by the command of iustice declared by some honourable officer , who with reason and truth by a signed writing chargeth these uncleane spirits to take such a soule . as for the rest it may well be proved that every sergeant hath power to leade a man to prison , even so as every divell may beare a soule to hell , seeing that there ordinarily entreth thither an infinite number of prisoners , and every one imprisoned by his severall iudge : some answer before a iudge with a long gown , others before one with a short gown , without reckoning , many other officers of iustice , who as good angels have authoritie and power to exercise it , who have their appointed and praticular divels , who execute their commandment and will . as touching the diversitie of the lodgings and places of their abode , the curious shall see many differing in the prison , every one fitted for the prisoners delight . for hee who is not criminall , and who is noble is usually lodged in the lightsomest chambers and neatest contrived : but understand that the noblenesse of a prison consisteth in a good purse . those that be of a meaner qualitie & deserving are fitted in certain darke & black chambers , where smoke and cinders continually bearesway . the prison hath yet this property of hel , to take in all sort of sinners & criminals , being usually peopled , and full of theeves , russians , cut-purses , panders , whoores , murtherers , perjured men , bankrupts , cheaters , usurers , & sorcerers , in as great varietie as the living creatures that entered into noahs arke , so that entry is not denied nor the gate shut against any . of this remarkeable variety the confused multitude of a prison is composed with a thousād other circumstances which accompanie it , which because it is altogether disorderly & without bounds i shal not be able to reduce it to one terme or name , nor to give it a definition which universally comprehendeth all the miseries of this dreadfull dwelling , if the curious reader will not be contented with the analogie and proportion which it hath with the perpetuall hell . the which being supposed as a thing most proper to a prison , we shall be able to describe it by its properties & by experience , saying , that a prison is no other thing but a land of calamitie , a dwelling of darkenes , a habitation of miserie or an eternall horrour inhabited without any kind of order . it is a confused chaos without any distinction , it is a bottomles pit of violence which hath nothing that is in its own center , it is a tower of babylon where all speake and none heare , it is a medley against nature , in which is seene the peace and agreement of two contraries , mingling the noble with the infamous , the rich with the poore , the civill with the criminall , the sinner with the just , it is a communaltie with agreement ; one whole by accident , a composition without parts , a religion without orders or lawes , and a body without a head . the prison is the grave of noblenesse , the banishment of courtesie , the poyson of honour , the center of infamie , the quintessence of disparagement ; the hell of good wits , the snare of pretences , the paradise of cousenage , the martyrdome of innocence , the cloude of truth , the treasure of despaire the fining-pot of friendship , the wakener of rage , the baite of impatience , the mine of treasons , a den of foxes , the refuge of vengeance : the punishment of force , and the headsman of life . there he that yesterday was great , to day is meane ; hee that was happy in the city , now starveth there ; he that was richly clad , is starke naked , he that commanded , obeyeth ; he that had his court full of caroches and rich saddles , findeth not now one more to visite him . there civilitie is turned into insolence , courage to subtiltie ▪ shamelesse outfacing into vertue , blasphemie into valour , flattery into eloquence lyes to truth , silence to noise modestie to boldnesse , knowledge to ignorance , and order to confusion : and to end the miserie of that unluckie place : i conclude in saying that it is a forrest-full of wilde beasts , in which the one teareth the other , eating his heart and drinking his bloud , so that no scruple of conscience , feare of god , suspition of love , compassion or other respect whatsoever which can have any shadow of vertue or of goodnesse is able to hinder them . there one weepeth and another singeth , one prayeth and another blasphemeth , one sleepeth , another walketh , one goeth out , another commeth in , one is condemned , another absolved , one payeth , another demandeth , and finally one shall hardly finde two of one exercise and will . one will be eating in a corner , another will pisse behind him : and in the middle of them another shall pull off his shirt and strip himselfe starke naked . every one is imployed in his particular exercise , they not having any other houre or time appointed for that save their will , which being disordered , free in its actions , produceth them without any let or shame . in that which concerneth the sustenance of life , there is no order kept there among them , because that hunger is their appetite , their time of meales alwayes , their table the bare board , their sawce the nastinesse and filthy stinke , and their musicke sneesing and belchings . the hangings of their chambers are all mourning , with some borders of spiders-cloth ( cobwebs ) , their seates the ground or some stone greased with two inches of fat bacon . the dishes where they eate are alwayes enemies to cleanlinesse , to serve for a pot-lid and other vses more base , and for spoones they are served with five fingers spotted like i asper , and having their nailes of a huge length . as for their drinke , the industrie of man teacheth them to make a pit in the top of their hat , and to drinke in it more grease than wine . and if peradventure there be found among them a pot or kettle , it shall be , according to the order and custome of the prison , batter'd without a handle , nor without vernish , and hath past the first yeare of apprentiship , and hath beene vsed in the most base offices , serving for a pisse-pot , for a flagon , for a vineger bottle , for an oile-pot and a bason . as for napkins , they take their skirts , or the outside of their breeches , and for a table-cloth the wrongside of a poore old cloake , threed-bare and fuller of beasts than that linnen cloth which s. peter saw in damascus . in their garments they keepe a great uniformitie , going all of them clothed after the manner of lent , and with s. austins habite , but so tatter'd and pucker'd , and so fitted to the passions and necessities of their bodies , so that without breaking their cod-piece point they want not a perpetuall loosenesse to satisfie their flux of the belly . they live apostollically , withoutscrip without staffe and without shooes , having nothing superfluous nor double : contrariwise there is so great simplicitie that they cover all their body with one only shirt , whereof many times they have no more save the sleeves , and they never leave it off till it can go alone of its owne accord . if momus should come into the prison he could finde nothing to reprove them for , because one may see them to the very intralls . the combe , tooth-pickers , brush , handkerchiefe , looking-glasse , sope-balls are banisht from this place : of which povertie groweth so great an abundance that in their head , beard , stomack & flanck●s a camell might be hidden . we cannot say that there is any kinde of vices in the prison , because that idlenesse the mother of them hath no entrie there , because they are all carefull and watchfull to search for that which is necessarie for life : and their overplus time they spend in exercising themselves on diverse instruments of musicke having the itch for the mistresse of that vertue . they have also their appointed houres for the military art , in the which they fight with their bodily enemies , whence they retire evermore with the victorie , bearing continually for triumph & trophees the bloud on their nailes . they live in evangelicall hope never troubling themselves with the care of that which they should eate or drinke to morrow . their ordinarie comfort is the faith and hope which they have to come out of prison one day , and put an end to their miseries . with this comfort they live , ever dying , putting cataracts and deceiveable imaginations before the eyes of their reason . and if by chance the time of their imprisonment endeth , and iustice giveth assent that some one of them goe forth , then the divell is so carefull and so watchfull troubling and quelling his libertie , that it seemeth to him there are no gates through which hee can get out . one withholds him asking a debt thirtie yeares old , another the succession of one of his grandfathers , and another sheweth a band more ancient than the deluge . and when his diligence and meanes have delivered him from his enemies without , these within doores begin to thunder out another song , for one demandeth of him five shillings which he lent him eleven months ago , another that should pay for a pot which he brake to him , another draweth forth a bill of reckoning , asking him for ten eggs and a sallet which he paid for him . this man demandeth that he should pay him the good-morrow's which he hath given him , another the good nights , one askes his cap , another his doublet , another his shooes and all lay hold upon him . and when he escapeth this importunate swarm of bees , these tunes begin to deafe his eares ; the iayler demands of him the rights of the prison , his entrance , his going forth , and the time that he hath tarried there , for his sleeping , his talking , his eating , his sneesing and his coughing , and all the time that he hath lived within there , making more scores in his booke than an astrologer on the erecting of an horoscope . and when he hath given him that which he demands of him without reason , he askes his gloves , his iayle fees , his slippers , his old shooes and a coife for the maide-servant . the dog askes him to pay for his watching and barking that he hath kept for him while he slept , the cat for the paines she hath taken to cleare his chamber from mice and rats , one pulls him on this side and another on that , and all catch hold of him like briers , while they have left him dry , pluckt bare , throng'd and as naked as his mother bare him . this in briefe termes , is the miserable practise of this living patterne of hell , withall its circumstances , in every one of which there is matter enough to make a long and profound discourse . that the reader may bethinke himselfe hereof , that being affrighted at the hardnesse thereof , he may avoide the dangerous inconveniences which are presented every day to a man as long as he is at libertie : for if he fall once into the divels hands , and be forced to passe through the wicket of hell , though his cause were his protector , he should waite for s. michael ; and if iustice were his protector , he should ever remaine burnt with the marke of hell , into which who so once entereth , hee leaueth the best thing that he hath amongst pluto's h●nds . and albeit that hee enter there fuller and richer than the queene of saba when she came to see king salomon , he shall come forth more lanke , more drie and more feeble than the seven kine that pharaoh saw in his dreames . ( *⁎* ) chap. ii. of a pleasant discourse which the author had in prison with a famous theife . to the end that none be deceived with this proverbe which most men hold for a maxime , when they say , that all noveltie is well pleasing ; because that albeit logicke should not condemne this proposition as false , experience would discover its deceit : for i doe not thinke that there is any one in the world that hath found the prison pleasant , even at the first time that he entred therein . i may say of my selfe , that when i was there , though it was new to me i found not any thing that i liked ; on the contrarie , the pleasure which novelties bring with them was turned into notable admiration and extreame paine , seeing that which willingly i would not have seene , and talking of that which least pleased me . i spent the first dayes even as all those , who enter into that place have beene accustomed to passe them , which is to consider the lodgings , to be vexed at the companie , and to shun the familiar conversing with the prisoners . and i might have past all the time of my imprisonment in such like employment , if it had lien in my power to do it , because that the companie invited me not to acquaint my selfe . but the necessitie being accompanied with exceeding great curiositie which prisoners have , when any one entereth newly into prison , tied me to frame my selfe to the usuall fashion of these people , from whom i had a sufficent report of the subjects and qualities of that habitation , without other paines-taking than to give them the hearing , because that by it a discreete man shall know moe sins in foure dayes than a confessor in a hundreth yeares . in the conclusion with a faire shew and some pieces that i had in my purse i purchased the good will of all the rable , in such sort , that there was not any man of what ranke soever who did not esteem much of me , & participated not with me the most inward of his conscience . but the continuall companie of this tedious conversation troubled me , in such sort that i was not mine owne , nor had i the libertie to spend one quarter of an houre by my selfe alone . so lessayed by a thousand meanes to ridde my selfe from the head-strong importunities of those undiscreet people , but it was not possible for me to free my selfe , without taking the office that i had got over them . wherefore i was desirous to trie , if in this martyrdome , seeing i deserved no such thing , i could finde some pleasure to divert my minde and entertaine them . so continuing my no lesse accustomed than troublesome occupation , sitting one day upon a bench which was in the chappell of the prison , in the companie of three or foure of these gallants , hearing some difficulties , whereof they were come to consult with mee upon the ten commandements , i heard the echo of a sorrowfull voyce , which called me pitifully . all the standers by were amazed ; one of them ranne to be informed of this vnlooked forn ewes , but the speedy hast of him , which sought for me , prevented the curiositie of him who was gone out to know the newes ; for scarsly had we heard the voyce , when after it , entred at the doore one of my religious followers ( held in great esteeme amongst those people who were none of the holiest ) with his colour changed , his visage bathed with teares , without a hat , his armes crossed , sighing and beseeching with great humilitie the companie , that they would let him be alone with me , amplifying his request by the shortnesse of time , as the principall remedy of mishap . they departed the place , and he seeing himselfe alone and with freedome to discover his thoughts to me , without any other preface , preamble , advertisement or courtesie , he said to me . sir , to day is my feast day , and they have made me a gift of a clarke of a harbour , with a cardinalls hat : what remedie shall i be able to finde for so great a mischiefe . verily this darke speech of his words , together with the manner of telling it , held mee somewhat in doubt , because i knew not how to comment upon so vncouth a language followed with so many sighes and groanes . neverthelesse making a little stay at these words and already guessing that which it might be , i beleeved that he had got this hat at some pot of wine , and that out of the abundance thereof this noble dignitie had climed up to the head . so smiling i said to him : my friend , the post that hath brought you this newes , is he of a douzen or of twentie ? it is not of twelue , nor offoure , unhappy man that i am ! answered he , for i am not drunke , nor ever was i in all my lifetime , and would to god that all the world were so retired in this action as i am : but as the proverbe saith , some have the name , the others have the effect . and you doe not well to make a poore unhappie wretch that askes your counsell in his extreame affliction . his answer to the purpose redoubled my astonishment , and not being able to hit at that which this might meane , i said to him somewhat in anger ; make an end then to relate to me the cause of your paine , and hold me no more in doubt with your darke speeches or ridles . now i know , sir , said he , that yee have not studied martiall tearmes , nor you vnderstand not as yet galunatias his stile , so it will be hard for you to vnderstand the comming together of two solide bodies with the perspective of red flowers in a white field . from this second answer i fully resolved that hee was not drunke , but foolish , and as to such a one , i agreed with him to all that he said , although i vnderstood him never a whit . and taking the subject to reason with him upon the same reasons , i asked him , who made him a cardinall and why ? to which he answered me thus . you should understand that some officers of the three and of the five of topo & tango vpon the seventh and the goe met me one sunday at midnight and finding me with the as de bastons the lot would that they should run a hazard , and i remained with the money . they were deceived , and desiring to revenge their wrong , they went to scipion , declaring an vniversall head which they had seene in my hands , upon which they made long informations by the signe●ers aequinoctialls : and at the end of a rigorous examination which they had of me , they found mee not good enough to be pope , they left me the office of a cardinall . you ought to account your selfe happy , i answerd him , having so great a dignitie , seeing that few obtaine it , and these with great paines and travell . i would quite it , withall my heart , saith he , and that without pension , if any one would receive it for mee , and i would moreover binde myselfe to him to pay for the seales , because to speake the truth , it is a charge too heavy for me , and hee that gives it , hath not any good reputation among the people , nor many friends in the citie ▪ and this is the cause that i make no great account of it . and doe not thinke that in saying , that i will no wayes accept of it , i can helpe myselfe of this paine : for it is not in my power , nor in theirs who receive the like charges to be able to refuse them , sithence dignities are bestowed by deservings , and albeit that men refuse them , they are made to take them by force , that no man may refuse them nor make resistance by too great humilitie , they binde it upon him as if he were a foole . truely my friend , said i then to him , you ought to account your selfe happy and very fortunate , for such an election , this being supposed that it is made for deserving , and not for favour . very fortunate , faith hee , assuredly i am , howbeit an vnworthy sinner , but no wise happy , for if i were , i should not be very fortunate . with this answer i began to see clearly , that he was neither foolish nor drunke : but that dissembling hee covered his words of this his chatting , and resolute to leave him with his — i rise speaking to him some harsh words , to which hee answered with great humilitie , saying , sir i beseech you to stay your choler a litle : for it is not without a mysterie , that i have spokē to you in a riddle , and beleeve me that in this i have had no other intention , but to hide my mishaps from some — who usually ▪ watch harkning after the life of another , to report them to their copsemates . but now seeing that i can utter it to you without feare i will explaine myselfe , being well assured that a man of so good a wit as you are , will not be offended to heare my weakenesse , and will not deny me your good counsell which out of your charitie i promise to myselfe . so know that cardinall is that which to day at noone one hit mee over the shoulders : the clarke of harbour hee that receiveth such as are condemned to the gallies : those of three , are some of our companie , are some that watch the streete , when any theft is committed , and these have the third part : those of five are some honorable persons , or at least held for such by the common people , who hide and keepe the theft in their house , and for that the fifth part is given to them . now you shall know that by misliking i being one night in a list that was made , the booty was so little , that there was not whereof to make neither fourth nor fifth , and i being the man that put himselfe in greatest danger i was willing to goe away withall , promising to redresse the bygone fault in another more gainefull occasion . those of seven , and goe , i will tell my companions found not this satisfaction to the purpose , which i gave them , because that absolutely they would have their share . i seeing ▪ that it was altogether impossible , for that i had already eaten it , turned the processe to a quarrell , and laying hold on a baton which is the as that you have heard , gave one of them a sound blow over the head , who seeing himselfe wounded , and his companions cheated , went to s. scipion who is the major , and accused mee that i was a theife at crochet , which is an instrument where with we open all manner of doores , and following the accusation they made me be laid up in prison . the lords of the court , whom we call aequinoctialls , condemned mee to goe the accustomed rounds about the streets , and afterwards to serve his majestie in the gallies of marseilles . which execution should be made this same day at noone ; i tremble because ten a clocke is strucke already . if ye have any remedy to give me , ye will doe a great worke of mercy , because i feare that the hangman having stript mee , and finding five markes about me which were unjustly given me , doubtlesse he will make mee take a shorter journey . the wretch had proceeded thus far with the explaining of darke speech , ere ever i could break off his discourse , so great was the astonishment which his entangled metaphors left me in , & ending his story with a deep sigh , which came from his very soule , he fell halfe dead betweene my armes . he being come to himselfe againe , i began to comfort him the best i possibly could , counselling , for the last remedy to appeale to the court , hoping alwayes for more mercie , from the highest seate of justice , than from the inferior iudges scarcely had i ended my words but three or foure of his companions , dying for laughter enter'd at the chappell doore , saying to him that the newes which they had tolde him were false , and those lashes were imaginary , that it was a tricke of his enemies maliciously invented to trouble and vexe him . with this newes the poore wretch came againe so suddenly to his first estate , that save there remained some remembrance of his first taking it to heart , he cut moe than five and twenty capers in the ayre , with a thousand turnings of good liking , and his companions began to play upon him , in which he paid them home their change , with so wittie answers , that hee left me a great desire , to keepe him with me all alone , and at leasure to know at length his vocation and office , and the cleering of some obscure words which he usually mingled in his discourse ; so i intreated him , but he knowing that i had such a desire , in requitall of the patience with which i had heard him , and of the good counsell , which i had given him in his neede , he promist to give me a good account of his life , of his parents life , and the changeable successes which happened to him in his trade ; with all particulars which could be learned amongst those of his office , & having appointed me a place at two in the afternoone , we went to dinner . ( *⁎* ) chap. iii. to whom the theefe relateth the noblenesse and excellencie of theft . the good andrew ( for so hee was called ) was not at all slothfull to be at the place appointed , nor to declare to me the historie which i had requested with so great a desire : for halfe an houre before that , which wee had appointed , i found that hee waited for me with extreame impatience and so great , that almost without saluting me , hee began to relate his historie , saying . know , sir , that if from the time of your birth ye should have gone searching through all the universities of the world for some one , who with more ground , experience & learning then i could informe you of that which yee desire to know , it were impossible to finde him : seeing that in this which toucheth ( and let this be spoken without vanitie ) the understāding of the riddles of mercurie trismegstus , and other darke philosophers , and to be , as they say , of the right haire and feathers , i will not yeelde it to any man in the world . with this and other secrets reserved to my own onely discretion i have found out the philosophers stone and the true elixar of life , with which i turne poyson into medicine , the course cloth into cloth of gold , and hunger into fulnesse and satietie more than sufficient , without putting any thing to it of my goods , save the turning of a hand . i doe not deale as a thousand other ignorant people of our daies , who being blinded by the gainfull end which the practise of the great philosophers-stone promiseth them doe adventure rashly to spend all to finde nothing , & to vndoe a hundred thousand essences to finde one fifth both vncertaine and false , whose excesse and curiositie have none other end but infamie , miserie and povertie , and finally a shamefull death : for as much as those who have consum'd their owne goods and the goods of their friends , to search for that which they have not found , utter their rage with strokes of hammers upon the seven mettals , which are the cause of their overthrow . and which is worse , with all the tryalls and vnhappie ends of alcumists , there is not any man to whom curiositie will not awaken the appetite , and provoke the will every time that he heareth any man talke of this arte . mine is not of this kinde , and therefore lesse subject to the fancies and idle imaginations of gebor arnaut , raymond lully and other great advancers of the arte , whose knowledge consisteth in not to be understood ; it is easie , plaine and without any mixture . neverthelesse be who hee will that shall exercise it , it is necessarie that hee be wise , prudent and well advised , because that wanting or failing in one whatsoever it be of these things , a man shall easily lose in an instant all that he hath gained in all his life . this noble art also hath not aristotles principles , because that as well he as all others that follow him , imagined that nothing could be made of nothing : this being true that in this our art , all things are made of nothing ; and if we may attribute any principle of them which he propoundeth in his physicks , it is the privation only , seeing that from it alone we come to the possession of infinit wealth . as for our tooles , i cōfesse there are some , forasmuch as there is no trade that can be without them , but neverthelesse they are so easie & so cheape , that we well nigh make them our selves , after they are made , they last time out of minde . the ground then to busie one of our trade , is onely the good courage and sound disposition of his body and limmes , and with this alone a man becommeth his crafts-master , without any other ornament — and doe not think that this art , having so poore a beginning as nothing , is shamful or infamous , for it is the most noble , the absolute and the most priviledged of all those that are in the world , so farre forth that acknowledgeth nor respecteth neither king nor knave , nor careth it for all the monarchs of the earth , nor for the ecclesiastike power , nor for the secular : but rather all pay tribute and travels for him . its fields are fruitfull in drie grounds , it gathers the fruit without sowing , it hath no traffique with any , and demands of all , it lendeth to no body , and all are indebted to it , its harvests grow without raine , and there is not any thing whereof it taketh not the tithes . there commeth not any fleete from the indies , nor great ship from the levant , wherof it not make shew to be partner , there is not a guine marchant , that is not its debtor , and finally , it catcheth up all . and which ought to be most valued in this pretious art , is the great ease with which it is exercised , in which it exceeds all other arts , that are till these our times found out in the world , the end of which is contrary to that of this , because that is perfected in the doing , this in undoing , and to undoe being more easie than to doe ( as the philosopher saith ) doubtlesse it is but that our art is easier than all others whose end is obtained with great paines , travells and difficulties . honest andrew had proceeded further in the praises and excellencie of his trade , if i had not broke him off with an extreame impatience , the titles of honour and noblenesse which hee gave it seeming to me altogether improper , as well for that it is of it selfe imfamous , as for the innumerable dangers which usually happen to them , who undertake such like traffiques : wherefore i said to him ; i do not know , andrew , how nor by what reason you your selfe reckon up to me these arts so noble , so easie and so profitable , seeing that you have related to me the perilous extremities in which you have beene , which your povertie and calamity assure me to be of little profit & of great misery which is therein , that makes mee to marvel very much at your persevering in your unhappy trade , ere you were made wise by the experiences past . you have reason ( he answered ) and i confesse that many hazards and disgraces light upon vs , but one oxe eateth more than a hundred larks , i will say that one good encounter shoulders out many disgraces , which have not in so great number as you thinke , and though they were , it is not possible for vs to give over this trade but by death , because this art hath i cannot tell what with it , that it is like one sicke of the dropsie , who the more he drinks the more he thirsts , and of one onely act there becommeth a habite , qui difficilè removetur a subjecto , which is hardly removed from the subject . and i know wel ▪ that you wil like my doctrine well , being so learned a man as you are , seeing they are accustomed to dispute among the philosophers if this maxime of aristotle ( who saith expluribus actibus generatur habitus , of many actions is begot a habit ) be universally true . and some say that of one only action a habit may be bred , which should be understood of morall actions , and those of worser sort : i will affirme that to breede a continuall custome in sinning , one only action is sufficient : but to doe well , there is need of many . the reason is cleere , for that the will of man being disposed to sinne , because it is called fomes peccati , the fewell of sinne , and for the miseries drawen upon it in its conception , one action alone leaveth in it a certaine inward disposition with which it becommeth easie , and disposed to like actions ; but the desire being so marred , corrupt and ill disposed to receive vertue , there needeth not only one vertuous action , but many , if any disposition or custome of doing well should remaine after it . by which you may judge that albeit a thousand disgraces fall upon us it were almost impossible for us to forsake our trade , nor change our life , having already turned it into a nature , and if this should be done , it should be needfull to make the world a new againe , more or lesse all wooll is haire , we are all of us of one brotherhood , no man is content with his state , he that hath most desireth more , that which costeth little agreeth best with us , and all ( as the proverbe goeth ) like well . but mishap be to that infortunat man who payeth for all ; for as the proverb saith , the gallowes are for all such , we rubbe all men , and for those sinnes some are hang'd , others are rich . happy are they who robbe hippocrates-like , i will speake as the physitians , whose faults the earth covereth , so that no man is able to accuse them , nor aske restitution of his life , and of the money which they have publickly rob'd and in the view of all the world . and though some of these be spirituall men , others temporall , notwithstanding all meete in the same way , and shoote at one marke : for there be also horseleeches which sucke the world sweetly , and wring their necke , with a sad dumpish countenance , and a faire shew colour their ambitious designes with godly words . and for them , it is said in the proverbe , the divell is behinde the crosse . there are others also , who though they wring not the necke , nor speake so much of god , apply neverthelesse the jurisdiction of their offices in favour of him that giveth them most ; who being lap't in long wide gownes making them to bee respected there is not a man that dare to give thē a word , nor shew by any signe the evil satisfaction that they have by them : but the wretched person that neither hath god in his mouth , nor barke wherwith to hide himselfe , if he be not very wise & prudent all the persecutions of the world hang about him at once , all men spit in his face , and he is the marke of all the abuses in the world : wherfore blame not our art before you understand it ; for you should so offend all the world & perhaps your selfe , sith no man liveth without fault . how much more if you knew what sweetnesse there is to gather the fruit where one hath not planted , and to find the in gathering in his garner & in his cellar , himself having neither fielde nor vineyard , you would even licke your fingers at it . is this a smal matter i pray you , that a man riseth in the morning not having penny nor farthing , nor knowing yet whence to have it for to nourish his family , and yet ere night he is worth a hundred crownes , & knoweth not whence they came ? is this a small matter in greatest sloth and necessitie to finde apparell cut and slasht without paying either for stuffe or making ? is there any such noblenesse in the world , as to be a gentleman without rents , and to have other mens goods so his own , as that hee may dispose of them at his will , without costing him any more but to take them ? doe you thinke it a small matter to be a marchant without a stocke , to gaine two hundreth for nothing , without crossing the seas , going to faire or market , not caring if the marchant turne banque-rupt , if the yeare be barren or plentiful , if wares be deare or cheape ? and if ye will take our trade by way of reputation or credit , doth it seeme a small thing to you , to finde one who will insure us our life , whatsoever wee doe , and to have at our becke some iudges , who save us from the lash from the gallies , from torture & from the gallowes only with a single & wel ▪ assured promise to satisfie them with the gaine of our next theft ? and that they do this not only for us , but for our friends , kindred and acquaintance ? abuse not yourselfe , and acknowledge that there is no life more assured in this world than ours , for instead of one displeasure that wee have , there are infinite pleasures and contentments to be enjoyed . and ●o thus much for my profession and trade . *⁎* chap. iiii. to him the thiefe relateth the life and death of his parents and the first disgrace that befell him . as for my race , you shall know that i am a man borne of a woman , in a town of this world , whose name i lost in a sicknesse which i had in the yeare sixe hundred and foure . my , father was called peter and my mother hope , people , though meane , honorable and vertuous , of good reputation and praise-worthy manners . and as for the goods of fortune , they were not so great , that they were able to give bribes , nor marry orphans out of their meanes , nor so meane , that they obliged themselves to aske almes , nor to subject themselves to any man , but they were people that knew how to live , and that had bread to eate , and clothes to put on . in all the course of their life there was nothing found that they could be reproched for , nor whereof they could be reproved , because they heeded no other thing ( particularly my mother ) but to keepe their honour and the good esteeme which they had gained , for which and for the freedoome and faire conditions of their proceedings and conversation ▪ all the world honored and loved them . but as vertue is ordinarily envied , and honest people persecuted , there was no want of malicious and wicked people , who by false and rash calumnies darkned the brightnesse and glistering of their good works & the cleannes of their life . they were accused ( i say ) to have robbed a church , to have spoiled the vestrie with the ornaments and chalices , and which is worse , to have cut off s. bartholomews hand , who was upon an altar ▪ which they said was of silver . an accusation as malicious as false , especially , for my mothers part , whose devotion towards the saints was so great , that when she went to church , if my father had not pull'd her out by the haire , or the sexton had not shut the doore against her , there was no meanes to make her come out of the church , although shee had beene three dayes without meate , and her devotion was so knowne to all the people , that she never came forth to the streete , but a thousand folke praied her to say some ave maria for women with child , sicke and other afflicted persons , having all of them great faith in her prayers . but as there are traitors enough to condemne a just man , and in this age innocency serveth to no purpose , if it be not favoured , for so much as the lawes goe as it pleaseth kings , it came to passe that notwithstanding the reproaches which they gave in against the witnesses , more than sufficient to refute the malice of the accusers , and to manifest the innocencie of the accused , they condemned them to die , and together with them a brother of mine , and my mothers nephew . verily the case was strange and scandalous , though false , and their death unjust : but whatsoever the cause i doe not envie them the profit , which let them eate with their bread , they shall not goe to rome for penance , for there is a god in the world that seeth all things , and seeing he punisheth that he will not suff●r one haire of the just to perish , it belongs to him to avenge the wrong done to his servants , for so i may call them , yea even martyrs , sith they constantly , suffered death for the love of god , they being accused of faults which they had not committed . a tricke , finally that they being poore , they were constrained to pay with their life , that which they were not able with their goods . i only may praise my selfe that i found some mercie with the iudges , in consideration of my young yeares , and of the small experience that i had ; yet the favour they shewed me , was a grace with sinne : because iustice left me my life , with condition that i shuld be the executioner of these martyres . i was very unwilling and did all i could , not to commit so execrable a crime as that is , to take away their lives that had given me mine : but it was impossible to excuse me , but by losing my life with them . wherefore i considering that a nother would doe that , which i refused , and of the other side the perswasion of my friends who with a great charge upon my conscience , counselled me to doe it , that so the whole kindred of my parents should not be lost , and that there should remaine some one in the world who might pray for them ; i put on a resolution to doe that which for any other respect i would never have done . but this is my comfort , which is not a little one to me , that my father gave me his blessing at the houre of his death forgiving me all that i could have committed in this world , against the respect and reverence , which i owed him , giving me also some wholesome counsels , and recommending to me vertue and the feare of god , above all that i should ever strive to be like my parents and that i should shew my selfe such a one as those of whom i was descended . with these reasons and some others i remained greatly comforted , and resolved to end my prison with their life . i was left an orphan , young , alone , or ill accompanied , and without counsell , without knowing what side to turne me to , for to maintaine that life which these gentlemen had left me , because that the cockering and good cheere in which my mother had bred me , had beene the especiall cause of my undoing , shee suffering me to live idlely and lazily . neverthelesse i seeing that the memorie of the good past brought me no profit , and that if i should live and eate bread it ought to be with the sweate of my browes , i determined to looke out for a master whom i might serve , or some handie-crafts-man with whom i might learne some trade , which was all in vaine , because that the accident of my parents being in fresh memorie , and their infamie yet late , i found not one that would receive me into his house , nay not so much as to be a groome of his stable : wherefore i was forced to leave the countrey , and to goe try my fortunes in a strange countrey . what countrey is that ( i asked him then ) in which your parents dwelt , because if i be not deceived in the discourse of your relation , you have changed its right name as also its surname , and your owne ? command me not , i beseech you , answered he , to breake a solemne oath which we of our profession have made amongst ourselves , which is never to reveale to any man our owne countrey , nor our parents name , this being supposed that it availeth little to the truth of my history to know it , and though it seemeth to you that it is no mysterie to conceale it , beleeve me you are deceived for so much that there is nothing more dangerous in our art , than to tell a mans true name , as well as of his countrey , as of his baptisme , seeing that as you know , albeit we be fallen a thousand times into the hands of iustice , and that we be as many times convicted of some crime , wee onely changing our name , we ever make it appeare that this is the first time that we have beene taken , and the first crime whereof we have ever bin accused , and no man knowing the name of our parents , nor of our countrey they cannot be informed of our lives & manners , nor our parents receive any shame from our disgrace seeing that as you may oftentimes haue seene , when they cōdemne a man the first words of his sentence say ; such a one , of such a place , the son of such a man & such a woman is condemned to be whipt or hanged such a day , moneth and yeare , from which proceedeth nothing else , but sorrow to him that dyeth , and dishonour to his parents . if this be so ( said i to him ) you have reason to hid it , & this being supposed that is not for your availe to telit , & it availeth not me to know it , let us leave it , and follow your historie . it fell out then ( said hee ) that about foure leagues from the place of my birth , i put my selfe apprentice to a shooemaker , it seeming to mee to be the most gainfull of all trades , especially in france , where all those that walke goe at it were post , even as if iustice were running after them , and where all shooe themselves against nature , that which is contained being greater than that which containeth that is to say , the foot greater than the shooe , whence it falleth out that the shooes last a very short while . i opened then mine eyes thither and bend my minde to this trade for that beside the gaine it was the most easie . but as from my infancie my parents had taught me to rip , it was not possible for me so suddenly to change the habite which i had already , turned into nature , and so sixe weeks past ere i could learne to set one right stitch . from this ignorance my master tooke occasion to disdaine me , breaking some lasts on my head , to see if they could leave some impression beside the continuall abstinence with which hee punisht me , some of his friends having said to him that it was a singular remedie — — — and quicken my wit . this life seemed not good to me nor to bee desired , wherefore i resolved to forsake it , and lay out for another more peaceable , knowing particularly in myselfe some motions of noblenesse , which inclined me to things higher and greater than to make shooes , wherefore i conclude with myselfe to search all meanes possible to bring me into the house of some man of qualitie and rich , being assured that with the faire conditions and readinesse that i had , my service should be well-pleasing to my master . verily the resolution was good , and the thoughts honourable and noble ; but so lame , maime and without force for want of meanes , and apparell to set them forward seeing that it is most certaine , that if with my hands waxed , my apron and other markes of a shoomaker i should have presented my selfe at the gate of some knight , they would not have suffered me to enter this difficultie held mee some few dayes in perplexitie without knowing how to enter upon my enterprises , notwithstanding making a vertue of necessitie , being vexed at the miserable life which i led , i determined to draw physicke out of the disease , and honie from the bees stings , and endeavouring to revenge my selfe on the spainsh lether and all shooe-makers . to this effect there came a notable boldnesse in my mind , yea and profitable enough and sure , if fortune who then was my enemie had not over-thrown my designes and my inventions , i considered that if i stole any thing out of the house , my shift should have beene discovered in an instant , and i as a stranger and friendlesse , beene ill dealt withall , particularly , with the hatred which my master bare towards me , & the harshnesse with which they are wont to punish houshold thefts in france . so rising on fryday morning earely than i had beene accustomed , rubbing my hands with waxe and also my face , i went with my apron girt to mee , and my hands all bedawbed , to runne through all the shops of the towne , especially those that were best acquainted with my master , and telling to every one that were in the shops , that the gentleman staid at my masters for a paire of bootes of the eights , to put them on incontinent , i asked for one boote to trie if it would fit him that desired them . none made any difficultie to give me it , thinking that a man could not be served with one boote alone , otherwise the most part of the shooe-makers knew me , and these who had never seene me were in a minute so well satisfied with my presence , that if the first finder out of the trade had come , they could not have given him more credite . with this invention i went almost through all the shops of the towne , ever heeding to aske for a boote of the same size , and last that the first was of : and the invention fell out so to the purpose , and with so great ease that in halfe an houres space , i gathered me then two hundred bootes all of one size , and of one fashion , which having tied up in a sacke , i laid them on my shoulders and betooke me to the way . the fact lay dead without suspition almost two houres , but seeing that i came not backe againe , nor returned the boots which i had carried away , nor tooke that which i had left , all of them suspected that which truely fell out . and so this time being past , moe than a hundred apprentices were at the doore where i dwelt , every one asking for his boote , which my master and some few of his neighbours , who loved mee not very well , seeing they told the iustice , who dividing themselves through the three gates of the citie , met mee not very farre from one of them , because the weight of my burthen suffered me not to get out of sight as i could have wisht . they brought me backe to the towne , and proceeding against mee for the fact yet hot and fresh in minde , they condemned me to walke foure houres through the accustomed streets ( that is to be scourged ) with three yeares banishment . chap. v. of the first theefe that was in the world and whence theft had its beginning . although this noble art had no other excellency but the antiquitie of its beginning and the noblenesse of the first finder out thereof , it might suffice to the end that every good wit should approve it for to be the most noble of all those which are practized at this day in the world , the first inventour thereof was one of the fairest angells that was , whose beautie , dignitie and greatnesse was so extolled and high , that the most curious of his perfection found no other title more proper to exalt him than that of the morning starre , governour of the dawning of the day , the sun's ambassadour . this then was the first thiefe that was in the world , or before the world , if it be true that the angells were created before time , who overcome by an ambitious desire , adventured rashly to robbe god of his glorie . but hee was degraded because iustice tooke him in the fact , and seazing upon all the goods that hee had , condemned him to perpetuall prison , and together with him all his associats . the second thiefe that ever was in the world was our first father adam , as bold as the angell , yet not so blame-worthie for being not so malicious in his sin , and of lesse knowledge , albeit i cannot be perswaded that hee was ignorant of the obediēce , which he owed to his creator , having knowledge infused in him . neverthelesse overcome by the importunate reasons of his wife , and tormented with an ambitious curiositie hee was desirous to steale the knowledge and wisedome of god . but it fell out as badly to him as to the angell , so that his fleeing and hiding himselfe served him to no purpose , for the iudge having asked him , and he not being able to deny the fact , for that he was taken in the fault , his state of innocencie and originall justice was taken away , he and all his race remaining condemned to spend their life with sweate , travell and mishaps , and his wife to bring forth her children with sorrow . and if you aske mee why god did not equally punish these two theeves , being guiltie of treason , and having attempted one and the same kinde of theft which is the divine perfection . it was to this purpose that i have heard spoken by a great doctour and preacher of the church ; because if god had punisht man with the same rigour that hee punisht the angell withall , he had destroyed an intire nature , seing that all men sinned in adam & so the world had remained imperfect . but in punishing the angell , this incōvenience followed not , because many other angels remained in heaven , and all the nature of angels sinned not , and this is the cause why god was not so severe to man as to the angels : but you shal better learn this curiositie from some other , who knoweth it better than i do . it is sufficient that those aforesaid theeves were the first that brought theft into credit in the world . and wee cannot say , that povertie and necessitie stirred them vp to steale , because the first was the noblest and mightiest of all the angells , and the second was the first of all men , king of the living creatures , and absolute lord of the earth . from thence is brought in the deceite which to the day , this world seeth , beleeving that poverty was the finder out of theft , seeing it is riches and prosperitie , because the love & desire of honour and riches groweth so much the more as it is increased , as a poet saith very well . ambition being an unsatiable fire , in which how much more wood is laid , so much the more it is inflamed , and a dropsie , in which the more one drinketh , the more hee thirsteth . even so in those great theeves , the great riches and prosperitie which they had , was the cause of their unruly appetite , and unsatiable ambition , for that they desiring that which they had not , they could not attempt any other theft , but the glorie and wisedome of god , seeing they possessed all the rest . whence you shall understand , that to steale and robbe is in a sort naturall to man , and that it goeth by inheritance , and propagation in all the linage of men , and not by cunning . for if it be true that we all are partakers of adams sinne , his sin being nothing else but to robbe god of his knowledge , it is evident , that there is in vs an inclination , disposition and naturall desire to robbe and steale . from adam this profession was extended to all his posteritie , being alwayes kept on foote amongst the most noble and best qualified of all his children . so cain , as jealous of this originall vertue , would needs steale from his brother abel the grace and particular favour with which god received his oblations and sacrifices . iacob cunningly rob'd the blessing from his brother esau , and it went well with him . david the wife of vriah . achab though himselfe a rich king stole naboths vineyard . and finally nimrod by theft subdued all the inhabitants of assyria . and if leaving these and other theeves almost innumerable , which holy writing relate unto us , wee take the examples that humane histories rehearse unto us , we shall see that this singular art hath beene alwayes preserved among the nobilitie , sith paris stole helen , ravisht before that by theseus ; the same theseus stole ariadne , and iason medea . the lacedemonians , of whose policie and good government plutarch maketh honorable mention had this laudable and vertuous custome of stealing , and hee that was most cunning and subtile in that art , was in greatest account and estimation amongst them . the very mothers taught their children , while they were but little ones , to steale , holding it for an infallible point of policie , that they could never be good and brave souldiers , if they had not beene cunning and well experienced theeves . i will not tarrie now to tell the name and reputation which vircat got himselfe by his thefts , nor the renowne which crocota deserved by them in the time of augustus caesar , for i should never have done . *⁎* ⁎ * chap. vi . the theefe followeth his historie proving that all men of what qualitie so ever are theeves . this noble profession of stealing hath evermore ( as i have said ) beene held in high esteeme amongst the greatest and best qualified men of the world : but as there is no kinde of vertue nor noblenesse , which is not envied by the vulgar , it became in time so ordinarie & common that there was not so very a butcher or porter who would not imitate the nobilitie in their thefts . whence and from the little discretion and exceeding great boldnesse that then was amongst people , it was one time so disdained and disliked that those who did openly follow it , were punished with shamefull paines and accounted infamous . but as all things of the world have their contrary weights ; time would needs finde a remedie for this abuse , seeking meanes to steale without punishment , and so disguised , that not only theft seemed not vice , but was esteemed a rare and singular vertue . to this end many brave spirits invented the diversitie of offices and charges which to this day are exercised in the world , every one of which serveth for a maske or cloake to make his harvest and inrich himselfe with another mans goods . and to the end that you may not judge my words rash , nor my proposition too bold , runne , i pray you , over all states that are in the common-wealth , and you shall finde that wee all are the children of adam . for i thus argue . that man that hath an office of a thousand crownes of rent , without any other living , pension or patrimonie , & holds a house for which hee payes eight hundreth grownes a yeare , keepes a horse & two pages and a footeman , his wife and two waiting gentlewomen , his children and a master to teach them , who to keepe all this traine hath neede of more then a thousand crownes every yeare , yet notwithstanding with all this charge he is found at the yeares end with two suites of apparell , free from debts & with five hundreth crownes of gaine , and yet it rained no more on his field than on other mens , nor hath he inherited any thing of any of his parents or friends . ergo a theefe . a tailer that eats more than it cost him , and at sixe yeares end gives ten thousand crownes portion in marriage with his daughter , never medling with other trade save his needle and his sheeres . ergo a theefe . a shooe-maker that keepes six prentices in his shop , and workes but foure daies a weeke ; and those not wholly at three yeares end that two tenements builded in the fairest streets of the towne , every one of which is worth two him three hundreth pounds of yearely rent , without any other stocke , but that of his leather ergo a theefe . the clerke who for every sheete of paper that he writes hath but a shilling , and who writes scarcely , sixe moneths of the whole yeare , which are hardly ended but hee is seene to have his velvet stooles , damaske courtains , silke-hangings , and other rich ornaments , which never came to him by heritage . ergo a theefe . of the same kinde you shal find in all offices giving you to understand , that i doe not speake here of the good and honest , but of the lewd and baser sort , who blinded with profit and gain treade under their feete the feare of god , the love of their neighbour , and the truth of their own cōscience ( who force the poore and needy to take sixe pence for that , which they sell in their shops for twelue pence ) & it is , i say , of those by whom the evills , that i have mentioned ought to be understood . and by reason that the great attention with which you doe harken to my reasons , discovereth the desire that you have to know all that can be said upon this subject , i will shew briefly the invention and deceits which the naughtie tradesmen use for to robbe and steale . the tailer stealeth asking a third part more of cloth , then there needeth to make a sute of : and when he that putteth it out to making , presuming to be wise enough for the tailer , would be by to see it cut , he vexeth him , and casts a mist over his eyes marking foure houres along the peece and overthwart , and when hee hath at last dazeld him with a great many strokes and lines with his chalke , hee throweth a false ply under the sheeres with which at the cutting of a paire of breeches one breech abideth with him for his gain , besides buttons , silke , lace , and lynings . the linnen weaver stealeth in asking more yarne than the web hath neede of , laying fiftie ells instead of five and fortie and with the remainder of many broken threeds he pincheth out the length , which makes worth to him the eight part , all which he stealeth . the cord wainer restoreth with his teeth that which hee stealeth with his — biting and drawing thinne the leather , so that of one paire of shooes which one giveth him to make , there resteth to him at least an upper lether or a heele for a third . and if the lether be his owne , he sets on a rotten soale with rotten threed , to the end it may be the sooner spoil'd and fall off , which i thinke but stealing . the physitian and the chirurgion both steale , the one appointing and th'other applying plasters , which feed the disease and make it worse to the end that the time of the cure continuing long , the fees may be the greater and the more . the apothecarie ●●ealeth with a quid pro quo — putting in one drugge for another , and taking that which is cheapest , not considering what humour should be purged , and what vertue the drugge hath which he applyeth , in which hee stealeth the honour and reputation of the physitian , and the sick persons life . and if haply any call for an oile which he hath not , he wil not faile to give of that which hee hath for oile of — or other costly oyle which any shall have asked them , that they may not lose the credit of their shop . the marchant stealeth in putting out his money upon use , taking more than the statute alloweth , and writing downe in his booke such a debt , which , it may be , shall be thrice paid , the notary stealeth with an ( &c. et coetera ) a whole lordship , and if there be a question of any criminall processe , the scrivener for money that he shall take of a forfeit , will sell the soule of the poore innocent . the counsellour & the atturney steale selling a thousand lies to the poore client , making him to understand , that he shall win his cause , albeit they see cleerely that he hath no right at all ; and many times it falleth out that the lawyer agreeth with another to sell the parties right and part the gaine betweene them . the iudge stealeth iustice from this man , having pitie on him , who by some bribe shall have already corrupted him , wresting violently the texts of bartole and baldus for his own profit . the drugster and other marchants , that sell by weight steale , putting under the scale a very thinne plate of leade , where they put that which they would weigh , with which they shew that there is more then weight , albeit there be many ounces , and when they doe not that , with their little finger they touch the tongue of the ballance with which they make the scale sway to what side they will . the vintner stealeth a hundreth thousand wayes , mixing and blending one wine with another , beside the water that hee putteth amongst it , and when his wine by the force of so much mingling and watering hath his strength , hee hangeth amongst the lees a little bagge full of cloves , pepper , ginger and other spices , with which he makes it still seeme to be good . the butcher also stealeth blowing up his meate with a cane , that so they may seeme the bigger , and that he may sell them at a deerer rate than they are worth . the treasurer stealeth the third part , yea the halfe of a pension , when a poore needie man asketh him , because that hee , who should receive it , being drown'd in debt or charged with some vrgent necessitie , denieth not to give the halfe , nor makes he any conscience to demandit . the marshall stealeth taking a poore harmelesse man , and laying him in hold never telling him for what , and at the end of three or foure dayes that hee keepeth him in a chaine , sends a divell of those that belong to the prison , to tell him that hee is accused for making of false coine , and that there are ten witnesses who have given evidence against him : but that for the respect of some of his friends , hee will set him at libertie some evening , if he will give him a hundreth crownes to give content to the witnesses , and to make them in some sort to hold their tongues , whereby the poore wretch being sore affrighted , selleth all to the shirt on his backe to be rid of so great affliction . the courtier stealeth the report of a favorite , ascribing to himselfe that which another receiveth : because being loaded with feathers , brusling up himselfe , poised and straighter than a spindle he goeth to the court , and hearing , at the gate , or in the court-yarde where the pages waite , some newes , hee returneth to see his friends , and gives them to understand , that the king drew him aside , speaking secretly to him two houres , and amongst other things hee told the newes that hee brings . the perfumer stealeth mingling the perfumes and multiplying the muske with a cowes liver rosted , the amber-grees with sope and sand , and the sivet with some butter . the priest stealeth , saying foure masses instead of forty for which hee hath bin paid beside the monie that he receives for yearely masses for the dead , answers and other duties which he never remembers . the religious ( monkes and friers ) steale whole patrimonies , assaulting with a grave countenance and a wry necke a poore sicke man at the point of death , and laying before him a mountaine of doubts and burthens of conscience , turning and stirring them up to pious deeds , applying to their own monasterie all that which he was bound to restore , without ever making any scruple of conscience to leave halfe a dozen of orphans defeated of their inheritance , and the sicke mans wife to live upon almes . the preacher stealeth , picking from s. thomas and s. austin the best of their workes , and having robbed them to their very thoughts , selleth in the pulpit their doctrine as though it were his owne making himselfe the inventor and author of that which belongeth not unto him . the blind man stealeth the halfe of every song that he singeth , because that having received money from him that biddeth him sing , and it seeming to him that he is gone from him three or foure paces , he beginneth againe his first tune , and asketh a new that some body would make him sing another . the begger stealeth telling a thousand lyes to him that giveth the almes , saying that he hath bin robbed , that he hath beene sicke , that his father is in prison , and counterfeiting himself lame , with which hee pulleth from men their almes . finally , all doe steale , and every handy-crafts man hath his own invention and particular subtiltie to this effect : but seeing there is no rule fo generall , that hath not its exception , wee may exclude from the number of theeves all those that have a good conscience , as foote-men , hostlers , cookes , sergeants , iailers , under-jaillers , panders , bawdes , ruffians and whores . ( *⁎* ) chap. vii . of the difference and variety ▪ of theeves . all the theeves aforesaid are called discreete , because that every one in his place striveth to cover theft the best hee can , transforming it into nobilitie and vertue , and this manner of stealing is the safest and most secret . of these there is as great varietie and difference , as there are severall offices in the common-weale , yea there are other theeves who steale openly and without maske : who , although they are not so many in number as the former , are notwithstanding moe , and their differences are as many as there are inventions to steale , which being redacted into a shorter number , are divided into robbers , staffadours , drawers of wooll , grunets , apostles cigarets , dacians , mallets cut-purses , satyrs , devont , and governours of the house . the robbers steale upon the high wayes and solitarie places with great cruelty and tyrannie , because that seldome doe they robbe without killing , fearing to be discovered and followed by justice . the meanes & slights that they have to coine to their purposes are diverse : for sometimes they will follow a man fifteene dayes never losing the sight of him , waiting while hee goe out of the towne . and the better to over-reach him one of the companie goeth disguised in a marchants habit , a guest of the same inne , with a certaine packe of old cloth , or some other invention , giving to understand that he is a strange country marchant , and feareth to travell alone . with this lye he falleth into discourse with the poore marchant or passenger craftily getting out of him , that which hee desireth to know , & learning whence he is , whether he goeth , what marchandise he carrieth , or what businesse he goeth , about , and when he is to be gone , whereof giving notice to his companions , they lye in waite for him at some place most convenient for their purpose . others make themselues lurking holes behinde some bushes , growne up to the thicknesse of a wood , and when they perceive a far off , or by some spie , a passenger , they lay in the middle of the way a purse made fast , some shew of money , or a little budget , that in the meane time while he alighteth and staieth to take it up , they may come timely enough to take from him that he carrieth . others being hid in the most secret places of the high way , send one of their companie in carriers clothes , who seeing the passenger approach stayes to looke on him , and making shew to know him and to have some letters for him , & holding him in talke , busieth him in such fashion , that the others have the time and meanes to surround him . others lying somewhat out of the way , faigne a lamentable and pitifull voyce , with which they tye the passenger to stay , and to goe see what it is , and while he that makes this moane deceitfully declareth his griefe , the ambush leapeth out that strippeth him to his shirt . your staffadours are a second sort of robbers , little differing from the former , though more courteous , and not so bloudy ; those goe calmely into the house of some marchant , and not finding him there , seeke for him at great leasure , at the exchange , in the fields , at church , and in the middle of a thousand people , drawes neere to him softly talking in his eare , making as though hee would communicate to him some busines of great importance , and shewing him a dagger , saith , this dagger demandeth a hundreth crownes , brought to such a place , such a day , and if you doe it not , you shall die for it . the poore marchant sore affrighted by such words dareth not to misse , for feare to be killed . the wooll-drawers take their name from the theft they practise , which is to snatch cloakes in the night , and these have no other cunning save the occasion : they goe ever by threes or foures betweene nine or ten a clock at night , and if they do finde a fit opportunitie they let it not slip . most commonly they come forth to snatch cloakes in the darkest and rainest nights , and to them places which they see is most quiet and most out of the way , at least upon the one side , to the end that the neighbours may not come forth ( at the outcryes and noise which the robbed are commonly wont to make ) and take them . these same are accustomed sometimes to go in lackeyes clothes to come in to some maske or feast , making shew to looke for their masters , and with this liberty , they meete with a heape of cloakes , that the gentlemen use to leave in the hall , being sure that no body will meddle with them they in the view of all in the place , nimbly take up two or three on their shoulders , and get them gone with them ; saluting all those whom they meete , with cap in hand . the grumets take their name from the likenesse that they have to those young boyes in ships , who clime up with great nimblenesse , by the tacklings to the top of the mast ; and the sailers call them cats or grumets . those that beare this name steale by night , climing up lightly , by a ladder of ropes , at the end of which they have two little hookes of iron , to the end that throwing them up to the window ; it may catch hold there and they easily get up and empty the house . these runne about the city and the country , stealing not onely gold and silver , but also wheate , rye , barley , oates , and finally all that ever they doe finde , and when they have plaid their prize , they cunningly tye a line made fast to the point of the little hookes , which , after they are come downe , they drawing , the two hookes are raised and the ladder falleth , without ever leaving any print or marke of the theft . the apostles take their name from s. peter , because that even as hee beares the keyes of heaven , so also they ordinarily carry a picklocke or vniversall key with which they open all manner of doores , and because of too much noise , that the locke may not rattle , and awaken the people a sleep , they put in a plate of leade with which they breake it in peeces , so that they who lie neerest can perceive nothing . those whom they call cigarets , have for their particular office to haunt churches feasts and publique assemblies , at which they cut off the halfe of a cloake , cassock sleeves , halfe a gowne , the quarter of a jumpe and finally whatsoever they finde , for of all these they make money . the devout are church ▪ theeves , because there are no easters , pardons , nor iubilie which they visite not : they are continually on their knees in the monasteries , — having their beades in their hands , to cloake their knavery , waiting their time , either under some altar , or behinde some table , on the eeve of some solemne feast , to the end that they may get out by night . — and to spoile the image of all the ornaments about them . in this sort of theft they do moreover adventure into the monasteries of the religious as well as into other churches , because that as they are charitable , and feare to be accounted disorderly , they seldome put a theefe into the hands of justice , and for all the mischiefe that hee commits a man getteth out of their hands , chastised with one onely discipline all about the cloisters by a procession of monks who charge him ; after his amendment , to feare god . the satyrs are men living wilde in the fields , that keepe their holds and dwelling in the countrey and forsaken places , stealing horses , kine , sheepe and all kinde of cattle which by occasion come in their walke . the dacians are cruell , mercilesse people , held in our common-weales in lesse account than th'other theeves : these steale children of three or foure yeares old , and breaking their armes and legges lame and disfigure them , that they may afterwards sell them to beggers , blinde folkes and other vagabonds . the overseers of the house have this name frō the particular care that they have to looke out for provision of bread , meate , and other victualls to feede their companions , and as there is not any thing in the world that a man loveth better than to eate and drinke , the inventions and meanes that theeves have , are so severall and so exquisite that it is impossible to tell them all . some are accustomed three or foure to meete in the twilight at night and taking a bottle of five or sixe pottles with a fourth part of water in it , they goe to a taverne bidding them fill the bottle with the wine in the house , and having agreed for the price , the poore vintner beginneth to measure while it be almost full , then they make shew of a desire to taste it , if it be the wine that they bought at the beginning , and scarcely have they tasted it when bending their browes , casting up their eyes and wrying their nose they cry out at the wretched vintner , saying that he is a theefe and a deceiver , who hath changed them their wine . the poore fellow seeing that his oathes and curses availe nothing , is content to take his wine again and to take out the bottle the measures that hee had put in , by which meanes they have a fourth part left so well seasoned that it may passe for wine of sixe pence a quart . other whiles they goe five or sixe in companie to the taverne with two great pots so like th'one to the other , that very hardly can there any difference be perceived betweene them ; they carry th'one emptie and the other full of water under his cloak , and biddes them fill the emptie one with the best wine that they have , never taking care for the price , and it being full , the one of them takes it under his cloake , and the other staies reckoning with the vintner , holding his purse in his hand and making shew to pay him : being upon these termes , the others come in , and aske alowd whether or no they shall suppe there , which the vintner seeing , allured presently by the gaine that hee shall make if they suppe at his house , perswades them to stay , and they take his counsell determining to goe to the cookes to buy some joynt for supper , and to call backe the rest of their comerads , leaving the pot full of water to the vintner , that he may keepe it in the meane while till they come backe , with which he remaineth contented and well assured , thinking hith himselfe , that though they never returne , the pot notwithstanding shall remaine with him for his gaines . as for the provision of flesh , poulterie and other things they have a thousand inventions , whereof i will tell you one only which hapned long agoe to one of my copsemates . it was , if i rightly remember , on a holy saturdayes market , in which they sold great store of hennes , partridges , rabbets , pullets and other things against the feastivall day . three of the company went out to seeke for provision , dividing themselves every one to his owne walke , the two met with a countrey-clown loaded with capons and partridges , which were in the market ; one of them drew neare to buy up all that he had , & cheapning a quarter of an houre with the clowne , agreed to give him ten nobles for all his ware , giving it to his fellow to carry it home , and he stayed behinde with his hand in his pocket , making as if he would pay him . he searcheth both the sides , of his hose , drawing out first a great purse , next a little one , afterwards a hand-kerchertyed in knots with some papers folded up , with which he inchanted the clown , and gave his companion time and leasure enough to get him out of fight , and at last not finding in all his budgets the whole summe , he bids the clowne follow him and he should pay him . the clown was content , and beginneth to follow him with diligence , and almost on the trot , because that as my companion had an intention , to get out of sight crossing the streets and lanes he walk't a ▪ pace with posting speede . but seeing himselfe so closely followed by the clown he went into the cloister of the austin friers , where there were some friers confessing folkes , and having made a devout prayer , hee turned himselfe towards the clown , saying to him , my friend , the provision that you have sold me is for this house , and that father , who is there a confessing is the proctour , i will goe tell him that he must pay you ; and speaking thus , he comes to one of the confessors : with the clown after him , and turning a little aside hee put sixe pence into his hand , and whispers him in the eare saying , father , this country man is one of my acquaintance , and commeth hither to be confest , he lives sixe miles hence , and he must of necessitie goe backe to his house this evening , i beseech you to do me the favour to confesse him out of hand and let him goe . the good father obliged by the almes given aforehand , promist him , that when hee had ended the penitents confession whom he had at his feete , hee should dispatch him presently . with this answer , he called to the clown , and said to him , friend , the father will dispatch you by and by , when he hath made an end of confessing this man , to which the father added goe , not hence , i will give you content presently . with these words my companion parted from them , and the country-man staid , reckoning on his fingers the money that hee should lay out on shooes , hat and other trifles which hee minded to buy as well for himselfe , as for his familie out of his poultry money . the penitent makes an end of his confession , and the father makes a signe to the clown to draw neere ; the clown was not in so trembling a perplexitie , with so great hast as those who come to confession , which the good father was much offended at , it seeming to him that he had little devotion and lesse humility to be confest . the clown stood bolt upright , looking heedfully upon the confessor , to see if he should put his hand in his pocket , and the confessor look't upon the clown in like manner , astonisht to see him stand with so little devotion . notwithstanding excusing him because of simplicitie which is ordinarie to these country people , hee biddes him , kneele . the clowne at the beginning made some resistance , thinking it to be an extraordinarie ceremonie for one to kneele to receive money , neverthelesse at last he did it though grumbling . the father bids him make the signe of the crosse , and say his confession , whereat the clown lost all patience , beleeving the confessor to be out of his wits , and standing up beginneth to mumble within his teeth and to sweare with great obstinacie . this assured the confessor that the clown was possest with a devill , and having made the signe of the crosse beginneth to conjure him , putting s. austins girdle about his head , and saying some devout prayers , with which the clowne went out of his wits , taking the good father by the surplis and casting him down upon the ground , demanding aloud mony for his poultry . the father supposing that hee had all the fiends of hell together upon him , beginneth to say , the letanie with a weake and affrighted voyce , and to commend himselfe to all the saints in the almanacke , praying them to aid him . at the clamour and noise , the whole convent began to be troubled , all the monkes comming out in procession with the crosse and the candlestickes , casting holy water on every side , and beleeving that there was a legion of devils in the church , they came thither where the confessour was at debate with the clown , who still was asking money , for his poultry , & the prior having asked the cōfessour concerning this accident & having also heard the clownes reason , the justice of them both was discover'd with my cōpanions wicked deede . in the end some devout persons who were in the church , paid the clown his monies who went backe contented unto his house . chap. viii . the theefe continueth the differences among theeves with three disgraces that befell him . the cut-purses are the commonest theeves of our common-weale , who have an endlesse deale of meanes and wayes to steale . all their studie consisteth in thrusting their hand in the pocket of whom they approach , and cunningly to draw his purse from him ( he not perceiving it ) with all that hee hath in it . these haunt the churches , sermons , faires , assemblies & publicke meetings , that they may worke their feate in the throng , he that takes the purse gives it presently to another that is by him , that if he should be taken with his hand in his pocket , he might prove them lyars and cleare himselfe before all the world . i will tell you a wittie tricke which i once plotted , though it fell out but badly by me , seeing that the heedfulnesse , with which you hearken to me , makes me know that you are not wearie to heare me . the last yeere there came to london a marchant of italie , rich , courteous and of good carriage , who being in rouled by our spies i tooke the charge upon me to deale with him . i rose that day betimes in the morning , lest i should lose the occasion , and after i had dog'd him through many streets , lanes and churches ( for he was verily a good christian ) wee came to a crowd of marchants wont to be kept in the exchange about eleven a clock , seeing him alone , i came to him , talking to him of a bargaine very profitable & certaine , which made him open his eyes , and listen heedfully to my reasons . then seeing him thus fitted to my inventions , i winded him gently into a maze of difficulties , in such sort , that i never ceast to declare to him the businesse , nor he to learne the circumstances . my camerade then drew neare making shew as if he knew me not ; and to be desirous to interpret the traffick for him which i had propounded , whereupon the marchant began to take no more heede to me , and i to thinke evermore of him . i put secretly my fingers in his pocket to try the depth and breadth thereof , & perceived that it and its masters little care gave me free liberty to put in all my hand . i did so and at the first essay , i drew his purse , at the second a silver watch , which he carried tied to a small goldchaine , with which i might have bin content if stealing could be limited . i was resolved to try the third time , to see if i could draw thence a holland hankercher , which before he had shewed edged with curious bonelace , but i could not be so nimble to draw it , nor my companion to hold him in talke , but he felt me , and running to save his pocket with his hand he could not misse but meete with mine , wherewith being vext and suspitious , he presently knew that he had lost his purse and his watch , and not finding them he tooke me by the necke , crying a theefe a theefe . i foreseeing the evill that might befall mee ( for astrologie is very necessary for a theefe ) had given the purse and watch from underneath my cloake to my companion , as soone as ever i had drawne it , who was but only two steps from me : wherefore with the assurance that i had , that he would finde about me that which he sought , i scorned all he said , giving him the lie a thousand times . the marchant holding me fast by the coller , with a loude voyce calling for his purse , in such fort that he made all upon the place to gather together . but my camerade seeing that my honor runne a great hazard , if the businesse should be proved amongst so many people , secretly calls a crier who was at a corner of the place , whom he made cry , if any one had lost a purse and a silver watch , that he should come to him , & give true tokens therof , he would restore them , and withall departed the place . hardly was the sound of the first cry heard but my good italian let me goe , intreating me with great humilitie to forgive him the rash judgement conceived of me , which i did at the request of the companie , and presently got me out of sight . he went as nimble as a roe to seeke for the cryer , and having found him he gave the true tokens of his losse , but he that had bid him doe it could not be found any more ; and so i escaped this dangerous accident . the duendes a larins so called for the likenesse that they have with the spirits of this name , begin to walke through the towne in the evening , and finding some doore open , they enter softly , hiding themselves in the cellar , in the stable , or in some other dark secret place , to the end they may throw out at windowes all that is in the house , when those within are fast a-sleepe . i adventured once to play such a pranke , and turne my selfe in an angell of darkenesse , but i was deceived . it fell out then , that one night on the eeve of a high holy-day i went to seeke my fortune , my mishap made me meete with a doore halfe open , into which thrusting my head i saw that all my body might enter , i went up a paire of staires to a great chamber well furnisht and fitted , and thinking that it was a safe course for me to hide my selfe under a bed , while these of the house were gone to rest , i did so . after foure houres that i had laien all along on the flower , i heard a noyse of folks , comming up suddenly into the chamber , you neede not aske if i was heedfull to see who they were , and by and by with the light of a candle i saw the feete of two footmen and one maide laying the cloth with great diligence , and were making of a fire , because the master of the house was to suppe there . the table furnish't with sundry dishes of meate , foure or five sate downe , besides the children that were in the house . i was then so affrighted and confounded , that i thinke verily if the noise of their voyces and the great number of children had not hindred them , they might have heard plainely the beating of my joynts , because my buttockes beate so hard one against the other , that i thinke the noise might have bin heard halfe a mile off . by mischance there was a little dogge , that runne about gnawing the bones that fell from the table , and one of the children having thrown him a bone , a cat that watch't under the table was more nimble to catchit with which she run away to hide her under the bed , the dog grinning and pressing to take the bone from her , but the cat could so well use her clawes and defend her prize , that having given the dog on the nose two or three blowes with her paw , there began so great a skirmish , and there was such a hurly burly between them , that one of the waiters tooke a great fireshouell that was in the chimney and cast it so furiously under the bed , that if , as it gave me over the nose with the broad side , it had lighted on me with the end , it had kill'd me out-right . the blow was so great , that i was above halfe an houre ere i could come to my selfe , but it made the cat come out like a thunder from under the bed , and the dog staied grinning and barking with such a fury that neither fawning nor threatning of mine could quiet him , wherat the waiters at table were so vext that they began to chase him out , throwing fire-brands at him , which made him come out from under the bed , and leave me there in the pangs of death . the dogges noise was done , and there began another in my guts , so violent , that to stay the sudden rumbling of a flux in my belly , which the apprehension and feare had moved i was constrained to sneeze thrice , & with the force of my sneezing to wrong my breeches by the liberty of that unjust violence . these two noises met together , and making one of two , increast so much the force , that it made all at table rise , and take off the candles , to fee what was this novelty . they pulled me out , but i could give no reason that could be heard , nor humble suing that could be admitted , so i remained subject to the rigour of their vengeance , they stript me starke naked and binding me hand and foote , they began to scorch me with a lighted torch not without loud laughing , and after they had satisfied their furious passion , they put me in the hands of iustice , out of whose power i escaped signed and sealed . the mallettes are a sort of theeves who hazard themselves upon great perills and inconveniences , for they are made up in a bale , basket or dry fat , faining that it is certaine marchandise sent over , which they make some one or other of their friends in marchants apparell carrie from one house to another , that when night commeth and every one being fast a sleepe , he cutteth the cloth with a knife , hee breaketh forth to empty the house . i was one of those when the fourth disgrace befell me , because a friend of mine having counterfeited to have foure bales to be laid by night in a rich goldsmithes house , counsel'd me to be pack't up in one of them , covering the sides thereof with cloth and webs of fustian . the goldsmith made no difficultie to receive them , forsomuch as he had not them in keeping but a little while , and that he thought , if the owner in the meane time should happen to die , some one of them might fall to his share , so he made them to be laid in his backe-shop , whereby i was well assured to worke my feate . i waited while night with such desires as that plot deserved , which notwithstanding fell out to my disgrace ; for three or foure prentises meeting that night in the house , of intention to tarrie there upon occasion of the bales , resolving to lay them together , and lye upon them . after supper , every one withdrew himselfe . the prentises fitting the unhappy bed , or to say rather , the bale , in which i was in the middle of the others , on which they began to sleepe so soundly , that one might have drawne them a mile and never awakened them . i being impatient of the exceeding great weight that i felt , not daring to stirre my selfe more then i had bin dead ; and on the other part the little breath that i had , being choaked , i began to stirre my selfe a little , and seeing the unmoveable weight of that which was on me ; i certainly beleeved that they had layd a bale upon me ; with which imagination , and the extreme anguish that i suffred , i drew a sharpe knife , and thrusting it up , i made a great hole in the tillet of the bale , and a huge deepe wound in the buttocks of him that lay upon me . hee rose like a thunder raising his voyce to the heavens , calling for neighbours helpe and the iustices aide , thinking that some one of his companions would have kill'd him . the confused noise of all the neighbours , and the alarum was so great , that ere the master of the house had lighted a candle , the iustice beating open the doore came in , and finde the poore wounded fellow in his shirt bleed and faint , and the other vexed and confounded , takes the deposition of him that was wounded never taking notice of the bale , nor comming neere it , thinking that it was not needful to know the place where hee was hurt . but the goldsmith , who attentively hearkened to the iustice , and beheld the circumstances of the fact , seeing the poore-hurt fellow all bloudie , supposed that the bales and the cloth in them might be bloudy and spoil'd and he bound to pay them , and with this unquietnesse he came neere to looke on the bale , and seeing it cut thrust in his fingers to trie if nothing was spoil'd , and he mist not to finde my bearde . i could very well have bitten him if i had thought it had bin the best of my play , but i lay quiet , thinking that he would never guesse what it was . he held the torch nigher to the hole , and stooping to see that he had touch't , the waxe began to melt and drop upon my face , which forced me to remove a little , and him to marre all , crying aloud . theeves , theeves . the iudge came neere , who was yet making one write the deposition of the hurt man , and opening the bale , they found one within it . they carried me to prison , whence i came out at the seventh day after at a cartes taile well accompanied , beside other favours that they did me , whereof the greatest was to condemne me to the gallies . all the aforesaid theeves have ordinarily their spies at exchanges , faires and common markets , viewing all that goe and come , and learning what money they carrie , how much , and in what sort , where they leave it , and in what hands , to give notice thereof to the companie . and herein there is such diligence , and so great care , that there commeth not any stranger to the towne , but in a quarter of an houre after he is registred in our booke with all his qualities : to wit , whence he commeth whither hee goeth , and what is his trafficke : and if there be any negligence herein , the spies that have these places of the citie in their charge , lose the profit and gaine that should come to them that day , out of the common purse , beside a shamefull reproofe which our captaine giveth them in presence of all the other theeves . ( *⁎* ) chap. ix . wherein the theefe relateth his wittie diligence to free himselfe out of the gallies of marseiles . you may thinke , i had no great maw to that journey , which these gentlemen commanded me towards marseils , sith there could be no pleasure in that which is done upon constraint . neverthelesse i obeyed with great resolution , hoping that fortune would offer some good occasion to set me at libertie : so all my studie and care was onely to finde out the means to attaine to this end . and having tried many which came to no effect , he practized one which might have hapned well , if fortune had bin content with my past troubles , and had not made mee fall any more in the tryall thereof . the invention then was on this wise . the captaine of the gallie , where i was slave , being exceedingly in love with a lady of good ranke , and she in no wise loving him , hee tried all meanes ( though impossible ) to bring her to his bow , and as is usuall with lovers to be the more inflamed when they finde their beloved hard to be won , the ladies extreme coldnesse was burning coales to the captaine , in such sort that he never enjoyed rest but when he was talking of his love . i having got knowledge by the report of a slave that went daily to my masters house , there to carrie water , wood , and other necessaries , determined to try my fortune , and not lose the occasion . so i spake him kindly , promising him that if he would faithfully ayde me , that he might hope assuredly for his liberty , whereof i would as well make him certaine as of mine own . the good antony , ( for so the slave was called , ) put so much trust in my words , hearing me speake of libertie which i had promist him , that waited but for the houre to be employed in that which i did intreate him , and he thought there was not time enough ; hoping with great impatiēce , that i should declare to him that which he was to doe for me : who seeing him so well minded on my behalfe , and otherwise sillie , faithfull and true , i shewed him my resolution , recommending to him secrecie , and wisedome above all things . i said thus unto him , my friend antony , know that it is long since i have desired to impart a secret to thee , which i will tell thee of : but as all things require wisedome , patience , and the occasion , i have not done till now ; because i thought it not fitting till now to do it : as also , because not being so satisfied ( as i am this present ) of thy goodnesse , seeing , as the proverb saith , one should eate a bushell of salt with his friend ere he trust him . thou knowest well our masters love with this lady that dwelleth by the great church , and how much he is out of kelter for her , yet never having received one favour of her , after so long time spent in her service , and so many duckets spent in vaine for love of her . now if i should finde a meane and assured invention , to make him without the spending of one shilling , or troubling her doores enjoy his pleasure , what reckoning would the captain make of this service , and what reward would he give him who should bestow on him that which he so earnestly desireth ? verily ( answered antonie ) i hold for certaine that he would turne foole at his contentment , and not only would he give thee thy libertie , but also to all those for whom thou shalt aske . go to friend , said i , if thou hast any particular acquaintance with some one of them who are most familiar and best liked in the captaines house , thou must acquaint him with this businesse , that he may tell him , and assure him that i will doubtlesse doe that i promise , and i counsell thee that it be not delayed . the content which antony received was so great , that without bidding me farewell , nor answering me one word , he went from me like a lightning intreating a souldier of the gallie , that he would bring him into the captaines house , to talke with him of a matter of great importance . he was there , and could give order for my businesse , that halfe an houre after , the governour of the house came to the master of the gallie , charging him to send me with a souldier to the captaine , because he would see me . the quicke effect which antonies diligence wrought , gave me extreme great contentment , and made me hope that so good a beginning would bring my designes to a happie end . finally , i was at my captaines house , tattard , torne , and naked , and with a great chaine tyed to my foote . he comming to meete me , as if i had bin a man of great ranke , and laying his hand upon my shaven head , began to talke kindly to me , asking me what country-man i was , what was my name , and why i was condemned to the gallies . and i having answered him in a dissembling manner , and lying the best i could , he drew me aside , to a corner of the chamber , asking if that which antony had promist him , was certaine , sir , answered i him , i know not what he hath said , nor what promise he hath made , yet i will tell you , that if he hath spoken according to that which i told him , all is true , without failing one tittle . sir , i told him , that if you would promise to release me out of this distresse which i indure , and to give me my libertie freely and wholly , i should make you injoy the love which you desire with so great passion and which so torments you , i promise you moreover and assure you , that making this condition with you , if i performe not my promise you shall my head cut off , or throw me into the sea . thou bindest thy selfe greatly ( said he with a smiling countenance , alreadie desirous to see the effect of my promise ) but if thou art a man of so great knowledge and skill , that thou canst doe this for me , this gallie wherinthou art shall be thy fortune , for i shall not onely be content to give thee thy libertie but i will make thee one of my houshold servants , and the best respected of them all . but tell me , after what manner canst thou doe it ? sir , you shall know ( said i ) that i was bred with a great astrologer , who under pretence to cast horoscops and nativities dissembled his magicke with so great craft , that there was not any one in the world that suspected him . he made use of me in some of magicall experiences , supposing because i was young and of a dull wit i would understand nothing of the secrets of his art . but he was deceived there , because though i seemed foolish and ignorant , yet i had an eye on all his tryalls , and i studied them so well , that many love secrets stucke in my memorie , amongst which i have one most certaine and approved , with-which if a woman were harder then the adamant , i will make her softer then the waxe . in such sort that the secret which i propound to you is magicall , not naturall , and it is requisite to have some haires of the party beloved , to put it in execution ; with which , and with some ceremonies that must be performed , the gentlewomans heart will be so set on fire , that she shall take no rest , but when she is with or thinketh of her beloved . notwithstanding this must be done in the night , at the waxing of the moone , and in the fields , there being but only three in the companie , and these stout and resolute , that cannot be dismaied nor frighted , fall out what may , or whatsoever they see . if , saith the captaine , that to further the businesse there needeth no other thing but a good heart , we shall easily have our desire , for though all hell should stand before me , it were not able to make me give backe so much as one step , nor once to change my colour , or countenance : and for the haires that thou hast mentioned , i will give thee as much as thou shalt desire . i know sir , ( answered i ) by your face that your naturall inclination is very fit for magicke , and if you had studied it , you would worke wonders by it . so now seeing the time favoureth us , and that you have the ladies haire , let us not suffer this waxing of the moone to passe with bringing our businesse to passe . you may goe out on horsebacke , and he also that shall accompanie you , as for me , though ill bestead with the weight of this chaine , i will not forbeare to goe a foote . all shall be in readinesse ( saith the captaine ) against thursday night , & sith experience hath made thee master in this art , prepare thee well and studie that which thou oughtest to doe , to the end that our designe may not be lost by negligence or little care ; and for the present get thee backe to the gallie ; for i will send to thee by the governour of my house who shall be the third of our companie , a faithfull man , couragious & valiant , and if there neede any thing to this purpose , thou maist in the meane time provide thee , for i will take order that all be paid that thou shalt buy . with this good answer i parted from my master more joyfull and merrie then the flourishing spring seeing my businesse thrive so well at so good a passe , and being returned to the gallie i found my good antony , who waited for me with great impatience to know what i had bargain'd with the captaine , and upon what termes my affaires stood , to whom i related all that we had agreed upon , and the kindnesse that he received me withall in accepting my promise , assuring him that when i was in favour , the next thing i asked should be his libertie . hardly had i begun my discourse , but i perceiued the governour of the captaines house entring the gallie , his visage inflamed , his eyes staring and dansing , and he running , as he had quickesilver in his heeles , asked where i was , and having perceived me , and drawne me aside , he said to me , i am governour of the house to the captaine of this gallie , who hath commanded me to come hither , and to know of thee all that shall be necessarie for the businesse that you talked of , dispose and appoint at thy pleasure , for i have money for all , and because that i may offer thee something in my own behalfe , take this crown of gold which i give thee as a token of that friendship which shall be between us , and i assure thee that thou shalt have a good friend of me at the captains hands . but as reason would thou must answer me with mutuall acknowledgment , in doing some thing for me . you shall binde me much sir , ( i answered him then very humbly , ) having disparaged your selfe so much in regard of him , who is so farre unequall : consider in what my weakenesse and my povertie can serve you , for i will performe it with all my soule . i will not , saith the governor , that thou hazard thy soule , because it is gods , but i would faine intreatthee , that with thy secrets and thy skill thou wouldst helpe me to purchase the favour of a gentlewoman of good ranke whom i have loved now these five yeares , and because i am of somewhat a meaner condition then she there is no meane to make her heare me and if it were possible to give two blowes with one stone it would be be an extreme great contentment to me , & thou shouldst binde me to thee , not only as a friend , but as a slave . now the moone is waxing , and the time very fit , so that i thinke there is no neede to make any more ceremonies for my mistresse than for the captaines , and if you must have of her haire , see here are some , for it is above a yeare that i carried them about me , keeping them as reliques . and drawing a paper out of his pocket put one of her locks into my hand . i who desired no other thing but that the third of our companie should be also so besotted , that the businesse might fall out well , i was in a manner beside myselfe with contentment , which i could not hide nor dissemble without shewing some signes in my countenance of being troubled , by which he tooke occasion to aske me what it was that troubled me . to whom i answer'd , sir , i feare that if the captaine should know that i doe anything for you he would be vexed with me , and i should lose this good opportunitie in which lyeth no lesse then my libertie ; this consideration is that which troubleth me , not want of desire to serve you . and who will tell it him , saith he then ? the divell , answered i , that never sleepes , but happen what may , i am resolved to serve you , though i should lose the captaines good-will , seeing it is the first thing that you have commanded me . as for that which concernes the captains busines & yours , you must buy a new sacke , a small corde , and another bigge one of hempe , foure ells long , a new knife , a chaine and a brush , and these you shall buy without making any price , that is to say , that you shall give for them whatsoever the marchant shall aske without beating of the price : and assure your selfe , that within a seven-night , you shall enjoy your love with great liberty . thou givest me greater content with this answer , saith the governour of the house , than if the king had given me a pension of a thousand crownes a yeare , doe that which thou promisest , & thou shall see what i will doe for thee . and embracing me kindly he went away full of hope and joy , leaving me the most contented man of the world , seeing that if in this prison i had sought an occason which might have fallen out better for my ease , it had bin impossible for me to finde it , for as well my captaine as the governour of the house were so blinded besotted and fool'd , that if i should have call'd the day night they would have beleeved it . on the contrarie my heart throb'd a thousand waies , considering into what a maze i should thrust myselfe , if the businesse succeeded not , neverthelesse i made a vertue of necessitie , using that remedie which is ordinarie with these that are in any extremity , which is boldnesse and resolution . with this good courage i waited for the thursday , which came more joyfull and fairer then the spring , though it was slow , because of the desire they had to injoy their mistresses , and mine to get out of the harbour by the cheating trickes that i put upon them , it seem'd to us the longest day of all the yeare . every time the clocke struck , they despaired , fearing to misse the telling of the houres , as these do who hope for a thing that they earnestly desire ; and after this care they were in anextacie considering what they would do in the possession of their loves , as if they had alreadie verily past the night and overcome the difficulty . this doubting and hammering of theirs served me well to my purpose , that they might not perceive the gulleries that i put upon them , and the smoake that i sold them . whereby i finde that those who paint love blinde , have great good reason for them , because that , if they not bin so , they would have perceived all my promises to be nothing but winde , and that the meanes which i propounded to them were for no other end but to gull . them . *⁎* chap. x. in which he proceedeth to relate his invention , begun with some discourses of love , between the governour of the house and this gallieslave . the night being come which be a day for me , inlightning the heaven with infinite numbers of starres so bright and resplendent , that they dazeled the light of the day , and filled my soule with joy : when my honest governour enters the gallie , brave , gallant and clothed with the best apparell that he had , because that amongst other directions that i had given as well to him as to his master , the chiefe was that they should be fine & brave , as being a thing most requisite and necessarie for magick skill ; and having saluted me with close embracements he said to me , friend , that thou maist know that i can doe what i will at the captaines hands , and that i want not good will to help thee , thou shalt know that through my intreatie he gives thee leave to leave off thy chaine for this night , and it may be , for ever , that thou maist walke with greater libertie , and performe thy businesse and what is necessarie for it , and though the captaine made some difficultie , i dealt so earnestly that i obtained this favour in earnest of that which i desire to do for thee . i who then was more knavish and more dissembled then foolish , fell into some suspition imagining that this liberalitie offered ere it was desired , was fained , and but only to try me , wherfore i answered him , sir i thanke you for the care you have had of me obtaining of my master that he will take off my chaine , a favour which i would kindly accept , if it were possible , but it is not , because i must not change the estate that i am in , nor one point of that which is of my estate ; it being necessarie that he , who shall make this tryall , must make in the same estate & apparell that he is accustomed to weare : and so i may not goe but in mine owne clothes & with the chaine because otherwise we shall do nothing . the governour was not a little contented with my answer , being assured that there was in me no kinde of deceite nor malice , but the pure and simple truth , & pittying me beleeved assuredly , that there was more passion in my words then iustice , he embraced me the second time saying , friend , god who is wont to give the salve according to the wound , hath brought thee to this gallie , that by it thou mightst come to the knowledge of my master , and enjoy the speciall favours which thou shouldst promise to thy selfe from his liberalitie , if the businesse fall out well . how well ? answered i him , hath the captaine any suspition that i would deceive him ? no by the world answer'd the governour , seeing that though thou wouldst doe it , thou couldst not : but it is the great desire that we both have to soften the hardnesse of these she-tygers , and to turne them to our love , that makes us thinke that impossible which is easie for thee to doe , and this is usuall amongst lovers . i never was one , ( answer'd i , and though i should be more in love then was narcissus , i should never perswade my selfe that day were night , that oxen flie , and other fantasticall imaginations , that haunt lovers , which rather may be called follies and idle thoughts then love-passions . it well appeareth that his darts have not strucke thee , saith the governour , for if thou hadst tried them , thou wouldst not have spoken with so great freedome and so little trouble . know friend , that physitians ranke this disease amongst melancholike passions , into which the diseased falleth , beleeving that which is not , and framing a thousand phantasies and visions which have no other ground but their perverse and corrupt imagination , which workes the same effect in lovers , giving them an impression of jealouse , to an other of disdaine , to an other of favour , making a mountaine of nothing , all which is bred of a burning desire which they have to possesse that which they love . but to be willing to perswade this unto him who hath not tried it , is to desire to draw water with a sive , and to weigh the earth . i am no doctor , master governour , i answer'd him , nor yet batcehler , because being left yong , friendlesse and poore , i lived also without knowledge , having only foure words of latin . neverthelesse by the use of reason well knowen of all sciences , i understood the smal reason that lovers have to be so oft troubled upon so small occasion as they are troubled , because of necessitie their affections tend to two points , to wit , that the woman must be good or evil faithfull or disloyall . if she be good , faithfull & answerable to your affection in mutuall love , it is a great follie to be jealous over her : if she be unfaithfull and known for such a one , there needs no other counsel , but not to trust her nor love her . whence may be cōcluded that all the accidents to which you say lovers are subject , are the overflowings of follie , and wants of wit , it being a notable extravagancie to love one that hateth , this being supposed that hatred cannot be the subject of love , nor love of hatred , seeing we ordinarily love them that bind us thereto by their love . if it went by experience , saith the governor thou wilt lose thy cause , because usually they hate these that love them best , taking the sight of a dying man for the occasion of their hate , and it is a voice in them now a dayes turned into a nature , to shun those that follow them , and to abhorre those who adore them , as the captaine and i have hitherto made a long and unhappy tryall . thinke not so master governour , i answer'd , that you have made a good conclusion ; for if you will have the patience to heare me , i will make you see clearely in what your arguments faile , and know that love ceaseth not to love nor hatred to hate , there being no law of nature , and he that foster'd you in this philosophy , hath fed you with bad milke , because that love alone not being accompanied with other circumstances , which are to be proportionable and reasonable is not all the motive of an other love . that princesse of noble bloud should be tyed to love a porter , that dieth for her , onely because he adoreth her . i deny your proposition , she is no wise bound to doe it , nor her well to affect him , the object that might move her not being in him . as a prince hateth to the death a poore damsell , because she depiseth him , being unwilling to give consent to his wanton love , whence it may be gathered that neither the porters love shall in any case tye the princesse wil , nor damsels scorne shall breed hatred in the princes minde . seeing that in love is found the good , the profit and pleasure which are the hookes with which the will is taken , then it is the motive of love , and the lady shal not be able to hate him , who loveth her upon these conditions , but therein being unequalitie and dishonour , she may do it . you shall more clearely perceive this in hatred , because when a man dieth for a gentle-woman , & she hates him exceedingly , this hate is not that which inflames his love , but the account she makes of her honour & the feare of shame if she should consent to the pleasure of him that loveth her , which consideration makes her coole and backward and him extreamely passionate . whence it is concluded , that the woman offendeth not in hating him that worships her , nor any man ought to hate such a woman that disdaineth him . this thy philosophie , my friend , answered the governour , is framed of moe words than learning , and i could refute it by plaine reasons , if time did afford us leasure , but the houre is already come , & the captaine will looke for us , only i would intreate thee to be mindfull of me as a friend , making thy inchantment of equall power with the crueltie of the gentlewoman of whom i have spoken to thee . away with this care , sir , answerd i , for i will doe it in such sort , that though your mistresse were harder-hearted & more frozen then the alpes , she should be turned into a mountaine of fire , hotter then mount aetna of sicile . i beleeve so , said the governour , but i cannot chuse but wonder why thou being so cunning a fellow didst not enchant the iudge to be in love with thee and not have condemned thee to the gallies . if this secret were good for a man , said i , a hundred yeares a goe i had bin a duke or a governour of some province , if i had not bin a monarch . it is not good but for women , because he that first found it out , gave it this vertue only . that alone sufficeth me , saith the governour , if with it i can soften that adamant , but with the hope that thou hast given me , i hold the victorie as certaine , and i hinder my selfe that i doe not see to morrow already . with these words we came to the other side of the harbour where my kinde captain waited for us with great impatience and unquietnesse , by whom i was very well received , & he asking me why the governour had not taken off my chaine , as he had charged him , i answerd him the same things , which i had before answered the governour , wherewith he was exceeding wel contented . they leapt both on horse backe , & i followed them at leasure , because of the waight of my chaine , and being about a league from marselles we arrived at the place appointed . they lighted down , and tying their horses at a tree , we with drew our selves together to the place where our tryall was to be made , & taking them with some necessary ceremonies , and telling them what they should say , i made a circle on the ground whispering i cannot tell what strange and uncouth words , and turning my selfe often , sometimes towards the east , sometimes to the west , with some ceremonies so unusuall , that they made the captaine and his governor of the house both of them astonisht and fearefull . at halfe an houres end after that i had gone turning about like a foole , i made the captaine goe within it , charging him to say after me , who was so obedient and so forward to all that i would have him , that if i had then cut off his mustaches , he would have beleeved that it was needfull for the inchantment . i made him strip himselfe , teaching him to say certaine words to every parcell of his clothes which he put off , which he pronounced so exactly that he lost not one syllable , beleeving that if he had missed in one jote he should have marred all this businesse , with this ceremonie i stript him to his shirt , he never making any shew of feare nor suspition , being assured that he was safe enough by the presence of the governour , who was much astonisht to see them finish'd , it seeming to him that there should neither be time enough nor inchantment sufficient for himselfe . pitty so moved my heart that i could not take off his shirt , having compassion of his innocencie , because it was then the coldest time of all the winter , and either through feare or cold , such a vehement quivering and shaking of all his joynts tooke him , with such a chattering of his teeth , that the noise thereof might have bin heard halfe a mile from the place . i comforted and encouraged him , with the shortnesse and quick dispatch of the inchantment , and the assured possession of his love , injoyning him in the meane time to be silent , and telling him that if he spake but one word , we should be presently in lesse then the twinkling of an eye all of us in barbary . he then being in this plight , that is to say , naked in his shirt , i gave him a knife in his hand , commanding him to make some stabs towards the foure quarters of the world , at every one uttering some words , & for the conclusion i made him goe into the sacke . that which i then saw with mine eyes was a wonder & a miracle of god , because i alwaies imagined , that as he was going into the sacke he should suspect something , & that all mine invention shuld come to nothing : but a little lambe is not more obedient nor more milde than he was , because that without any resistance or shew of mistrust , he went in , being still assured by the presence of his governour , and the ignorance he had of his loves ; which was good for me ; for if he had known that the governour was to be inchāted also , he had never gone into the sacke . finally having packed up the poore captain , i laid him along upon the ground with his belly upwards , tying the sacks mouth with a cord that was by me , & speaking still to the governor to encourage him , and wishing him to have patience a quarter of an houre the enchantment was to last . so having left him in this taking , the governour and i went aside about a stones cast who said to me in an exceeding great pelting chafe , i wil lay a wager that thou hast forgotten something of my businesse , for here i see neither sacke nor knife for me , as for the captaine . here is no need of a sacke , said i , because your magicall experiences are made stronger or weaker , according to the greater or lesser cruelty that gentlewomen have : and the captaines being exceeding disdainfull , i have made the enchantment of a sacke for her which is the strongest of all . oh! brother , saith the governor , what is this that thou hast done ? mine is hard-hearted , disdainfull a tyger and a lyonesse : for the captaines , though she loves him not , notwithstanding shewes him some favour , and if it goes by disdaine , we neede a hundred sackes , not one only what shall we doe ? be quiet master governor , said i then seeing him afflicted , for there is a remedy for all but death ; for that which is not in one threed shall be in a hundred . i will make with the haires and the cords a hanke which shall have no lesse force then the captaines sacke , and for as much as your mistresse is so cruel as you say , i wil adde thereto a small matter which shall make her , that she shall never be able to take rest while she see you . it is that which i looke for , my friend , answerd hee , let us martyr her in such sort , that my love may torment her thoughts & her memory , & performe my businesse quickly , before my masters be ended . speaking thus we came to the roote of a tree , the place at which i had told him that his inchātment should be made , and in an instant making a circle , & teaching him what he should doe , i made him goe into it starke naked to the skin , because i had neede of a shirt . having him there in this fashion , i tooke his mistresse haires , & twisting them with a cord i made a big roule , with which i tyed his hands to the stumpe of a tree , shewing him the mysterie that was hid in every ceremonie , & i would faine also have tied his feete , if i had not feared that hee should have suspected this to be rather the fact of a robber then of a magitian , but as his hands were enough for my purpose i would do no more . finally having made thē dumb naked & boūd , defended frō the sharpnes of the cold aire with the onely fire of love , that burned in their heart , there was no body that could hinder me to give two or three knocks at the lock of my chaine with a hammer that i carried in my pocket and taking their horses and clothes i got me out of sight & , being armed like another s. george i tooke the high way to lions . chap. xi . in which the theefe relateth the disgrace that happened to him , about a chaine of pearle . with the victorie of this dāgerous journey . i tooke the high way towards the town of lyons , joyfull to see my self free , & the owner of foure and twentie double pistolls , which i found by the hazard in my masters pockets with which and with their clothes being brave & gallant i went into the towne , & falling in love with as many brave dames as were there : i talked of love to all that i met with , and receiving particular favours of some , because my presence and my clothes assured them that i was a man of some great house and of good ranke . true it is that to keep them in this errour , and to hold my selfe in the good account with which i had begun , i oftentimes visited the merchants of greatest credit , telling them , that i lookt for some merchandise from venice , and promising to deale with , i made them in love with me , and they trusted my words as much as my outside and my honest looks did deserue . by which & by counterfeit noblenesse , some gentlewomen tooke occasiō to be as far in love with me , as thys be was with piramus , to whom i gave correspondence in the best manner , though i understood that i was not so blinded with love but this colour'd goodwil , & these fained sighs tended rather for my monies then for any good quality or beauty , of mine . but as there is nothing that can resist the kinde alluremēts by which a woman maketh warre against him , whom she minded to deceive i suffered my selfe a little to be carried away by amorous shewes of a gentlewoman of the towne , merry , pleasant & who entertained me best though she was none of the fairest : who making shew that she was taken with my love , in a short time emptied my poore purse , leaving me like an image wrapt up in velvet . i pressed also to binde her by allmeanes possible answerable to her fained affection , not so much for my contentment , as for that she was provided with fine knackes , which she had bin accustomed to aske of any new lover such as are chaines , rings bracelets , & above all a chain of pearle , so bigge , round & bright , that at the very sight of them any man of courage would desire them : this friendship at first was very hot , & had a prosperous gale of winde , but as soone as she perceived the weakenesse of my purse , she struck the sailes of her good-will , & began to looke upon me with a crosse & sowre countenance , an accident which in some sort put me in doubt , & made me distrust that i should never work my feate , which i had projected at the beginning of her loves . so before that any falling out or vexing should rise between us , relying upon the kinde offers which a little before she had made me , making me understand , that not only her goods , but also her very life shuld be sacrificed to my friendship ; i requested her to pawn her chain or her pearls for to contribute with her for the expences of the kitchin , assuring her that i looked for two thousand ducats from a living which i had in my country . but as they are old and subtle in their trade so they are also in their distrust , and so she excused her selfe , saying that the pearles and the chain were pawns of a friend of hers who was to come and redeeme them the next day , and that her honor should be greatly endangered if she had them not in readinesse . there needed no small art to cover the annoy which that crafty answere bred me , nor little wit to turne into jest such a plaine denyall . so without making any shew , or answering one word to that purpose , i fell a laughing most heartily over her shoulders , saying to her , that it was a device that i had framed to try her good will and to see if she would indeede confirme that which she had promist by her words , and drawing out of my pocket a counterfeit letter of exchange , i made her reade it that she might see the power that was given me to take up eight hundred ducats from a rich marchant of lyons , whom she knew well , wherewith comming to her selfe from her rugged coynesse , shee fell againe into her smiling humour , giving me a few light blowes on my cheeke , calling me distrustfull and mocker . i went away from her with a thousand embracings , making her beleeve , that i was going to receive a part of that sum , and god knowes what my heart was . but as povertie hath ever bin the mother of inventions , amongst many others which my imaginatiō afforded me , i choosed out one which was to sell my horse at any rate whatsoeever , being content only to have monie to live upon but three dayes , at the end of which i minded to have a fling at her pearles , and so to get mee out of the way . but it happened quite contrarie to me ; i went to catch the wooll but i came backe fleec't which was the just judgement of god , and a righteous punishment of my fault . for though the proverbe saith , he that steales from a theefe winneth a hundred yeares of pardon : yet the theft that is done to women of this kinde , is not put upon this account . but it should be rather held for a great offence , because that for the monies they receive they sell their honor and reputation which cannot be redeem'd withall the treasures of the world . it came to passe then , that i returning in the evening to her house , and making my pockets jingle with the money that i had received for my horse , she met me with embracings , so smiling and kinde , that with her fauning and flatteries , shee made me almost beleeve , that the refusall she had made me of her pearles , had beene but a tryall and proofe , which she would make of my affection . finally order was given for making supper ready , with which and the tricks that i minded to put upon her , at the comming of my money , i resolved to change her in such sort , that in her first sleepe , i should have the commoditie to assault her , and shee never to perceive it . but my desires had not so good successe as i thought , because that such women know more then the devill , particularly she , who as an old beaten beldame in her trade , there was no ambush nor deceit , which shee had not pried into . so the more i urged her to drinke , so much the more shee proved coy and backeward . supper ended with all the joy that i could faine , and the hope which that good occasion promist me , we withdrawing our selves into her chamber , she began to untire her selfe with as much slownesse as it had beene her wedding night . but i desirous to arrive at the haven of my intention , to make her more carelesse and lesse suspitious i went to bed first , faining my selfe unable any more to withstand sleepe that urged me so eagerly . my disgrace was such , that shee distrusting the summe , that i had bragged to have received , and taking occasion by my dogges sleepe shee would search my pockets to trie if all was gold that glister'd , and if the nuts were answerable to the noise . but finding there was so little monie that it would scarcely furnish out the next dayes expence , she began to be vexed and to have an ill opinion of me . at all this ( though snorting ) i was more watchfull and more a hunting then a cat when she watches a mouse , spying in what place she laid her pearles , that i might fish them incontinent when shee was fallen asleepe . she lay downe sad and confounded , thinking on the small summe of mony , that shee had found , and oft-times sighing . whereof i would in no wise aske the cause , as knowing it well enough , and not desirous to let her from sleeping which i so much desired and long'd for . so a quarter of an houre after , which was the time that in my conceit , shee was past all thinking of it any further , i thought of mine owne designes , weighing well all the inconveniencies which might fall out , amongst which i considered the suspition , conceived by her to be most difficult , it seeming to me that she would not sleepe but by halfes , and that seeing the least appearance of that shee imagined , shee would raise the house with her cryes , and put all the neighbours in armes . but amongst many inventions , there came a subtle one in my minde , and most fit for the purpose to this fact , which was , not to hide the pearles in any part of my clothes , but to swallow them one and one , being assured that having past them through my body they would come forth more cleere and bright then of before , and that in this manner though all came to the worst , the iustice would set mee free not finding the pearles about mee . this thought , in my opinion seemed admirable good , and thinking that she was asleepe , seeing shee sighed no more , nor shewed any more her unquietnesse . i rose as softly , as was possible , going barefooted and at leasure to the place , where she had left her pearles , and having found them , i began to swallow them one after another , though with some difficultie , i being narrow throated , and they very big . my ill lucke was that while i was , about to swallow the last , it stucke in my weazand so unhappily , that it could neither goe foreward nor backward , i was forced to cough with some violence , and to awake her with my coughing , shee calls upon me with teares and astonisht , and i dissembling the best i could the hinderance of my weazand , answered her that i was seeking for the chamber-pot with which shee was well apaid for a while , though not satisfied with my answer , it seeming a thing unlikely to looke on the cupboord for the chamber-pot , which was usually set under the bed , wherefore casting with her selfe the meanes to satisfie her suspition , without making any shew of distrust , shee counterfeited an exceeding sore paine in her bellie uttring great cries , and calling to her two maides that were in the house for light , and some warme clothes : shee held in her dissembled paine for the space of halfe an houre , supposing that would be enough to take from me the suspition of her cunning slights . about the end of which , shee riseth from bed like lightning , and looking round about the roome with a lighted candle and where shee had left her pearles , and no finding them , without speaking ever a word , or asking any other reason then what her imagination perswaded her , she begunne to beate her face with her fists , that incontinent shee fill'd her mouth with bloud , uttering after that loud and shrill cryes , that in lesse then a quarter of an houre , above two hundred people were assembled , and amongst them the iustice , who breaking open the doores of the house , came up furiously , finding me in my shirt , and her in her night attyre , with her haire about her eares and her face scratcht , calling to me for her pearles most furiously . the iudge commands that every one should hold their peace , that hee might be inform'd of the fact , and take the deposition of us both , and hee having begunne with me , i gave him content with very humble words , so that neither his threatnings nor intreaties could draw any other answere frome me . neverthelesse the iudge seeing the womans vehement complaints and bitter teares charged that my clothes should be search't which was executed with such care and diligence , that hardly a moate of the sunne could have beene hid in them , and they not finding there the pearles all of them with one accord judged mee to be innocent , and condemned her as subtle , shamelesse , and dissembled . she seeing then that they all spake against her , and misregarded her complaints , cast her selfe downe at the iudges feete , tearing her haire , and rending her clothes , and uttering such strong cryes , that the iudge knew not what to thinke , nor what resolution to take , and consulting of the matter with those he brought with him , he resolved , that it having beene verified that she had the pearles when she went to bed , they should be searched for , in all the most secret corners of the chamber , they not being found , they should send for an apothecary , that should give me a potion mingled strongly with scammonie , to the end that if i had swallowed them , i might cast cast them up againe . the iudges sentence was put in execution , and having done their diligence proposed about the chamber , and not finding the pearls , they were forced to come to the last remedy , which was the physicke , they which forced me to take in full health without the physitians appointment , and against my wil , & though i did all that was possible for me to vomite them , there was no meane to make me doe it , so a vehement strife being awakened in my guts i was compelled to give way to the pearles , and to tarry my selfe in prison , enjoying the favours which these gentlemen iustices are wont to bestow upon those that fall into their hands . *⁎* chap. xii . in which the thiefe relateth the last disgrace that befell him . it was about sixe a clocke at night , when my andrew made an end of telling me his disaster about the pearles , and i desiring to know the last that kept him then in prison , i intreated him to tell mee it from point to point , without missing any thing remarkeable : wherein hee being willing to give me content hee answered joyfully in this manner . if god would have pleased that this should be my last disgrace , and if it had beene as soone ended as i shall end the discourse thereof i should have thought my selfe happie ; but i dare not trust to my hard lucke , because that it being accustomed to persecute me , i do not beleeve that it will ever cease to use mee unkindly with new torments . know then that the iustice of lyons having condemned me in two hundred lashes of the whip , through the streets accustomed , for such malefactours , and marking me with the towne marke , they banisht me the towne with shame enough , allowing me but three daies only to dispatch my businesse and goe into banishment : during which dayes i thought upon a thousand fantasticall discourses , bethinking my selfe , how i might repaire the povertie that had overtaken me after so great abundance . and after i had bethought my selfe of a thousand plots , never a one of which pleased me , the divell put one in my head , which was the trouble that i now am in . i bethought my selfe that the same day that i was whipt , a famous theefe came after me , whom the iudge had condemned to the same paine , a young man of good disposition , and of a vigorous courage , wittie , and one of the cunningest theeves that in all my life i had dealt withall , but unhappie as well as my selfe . i acquainted my selfe with him to trie , if betweene two wretched caitives we could finde some comfort in so great a mishap , and communicating one with th'other our intent and thoughts , we resolved to make a journey together to paris . but before wee were fully resolved of all things fitting for the voyage , we had a consultation about our povertie , and infamie , descanting upon the meanes which we might make in so great mishap , and thinking it was not safe for us to embarke our selves in so great a citie as paris , not having meanes to live on there , and by which to busie our selves , at least while wee were knowne . and after that he h●d given me the hearing a long while , and heedefully heard all the reasons and designes which i propounded , he said , master lucas ( for that was the name which i had at lions ) the inventions that you shew me are good and worthy of such a spirit as yours : but they bee hard and difficult questions . wherefore leaving them for another occasion , i will tell you one , which if it fal out well , it may well be that we shall get out of this miserie . this is that we may use diligence to finde in this citie of lions some marchant that hath trade and correspondence at paris , from whom wee may get a letter directed to his friend , and having found him , you shal tell him secretly , that you will make up some packes of marchandise in this towne to be transported to flanders with some mony , and leave all at paris in the hands of some sure man , that it might be kept safe , while you go to antwerp , where you shall make as if you have a cozengermane , to trie the price , and how your marchandise may be past off ; and that having never beene at paris , nor made any acquaintance to whom you might recommend your packes , you shall intreate him to write to some merchant of his friends , that hee may keepe them for you . for so much , i suppose , hee will not refuse you , and if he agreeth to it , let me alone . you shall see how i will rule my hands ? if that be all that hinders you , said i , i will finde them that shall give me a thousand letters , and not one only though i am now disgraced , and with infamie yet bleeding , i would have you to know , that there was moe than foure that will doe somewhat for me , and that this is true you shall see by and by . with these words i went from him , and going to a marchants house of my acquaintance , asking of him a letter , after the forme that my camerade had told me , with which i returned exceeding content , and putting it into his hand , he kissed it a thousand times , praising my diligence and credit , and so at last we came to paris with it , where wee being retired to a chamber of the suburbs , we made two packes , with some pieces of coorse canvasse , the rest full of sundry things , such as old shooes , old clothes , ragges , and such other wares , and my camerade put himselfe in the third , wherein i packt him up so neately and handsomly , that neither his packe nor the other two seemed to be nothing else but camlots or fustians . our packes being made up , i went to give the letter to the marchant to whom it was directed , who received it most gladly offering me all his house . after this wee agreed that i should send the packes at eight a clocke at night , to save the custome other dues to be paid by the marchants , amongst which entred that of my companion , if not full of camlots , yet at least of cords , ladder , hooke , file , lantern , knife and other militarie tooles , with which to make war for necessitie , and robbe the marchants mony . he then being entred and all in the house asleepe , because it was past eleven a clocke he slit the canvasse with a knife , and comming out hee search't all the corners of the house , throwing out at the windowes some apparell and silke gownes with that seemed to him to be of the least , which i gathering up in the streete with great diligence , the divell would have it , that the watch in the meane while came by , with so great silence and dissimulation , that they gave me no leasure to hide our bootie , which i was gathering up , nor to betake my selfe to the flight . and as there was no great neede of questioning mee for to know my cops-mates , sith these wares could not fall from heaven , they perceived that my camerade was above , whom , after they led mee to the prison , they imprisoned also for the same crime . he went out a fort ' night agoe , being condemned to the gallies for ten yeares , and i feare not much lesse , if the mercie and bountie of the iudges have not some pitie of me . *⁎* chap. xiii . of the statutes and lawes of theeves . by the discourse which i have made of my historie , saith honest andrew , i have noted that you did not like well that i called our company a common-weale , it seeming to you that wee are governed only by the desire wee have to steale , without any other law or reason , which is clean contrary , seeing that amongst as is done nothing which is not ruled by reason laws , statuts & ordināces , punishing those that otherwise exercise our arte . we have in the first place a captain & superiour , all sorts of whom theevsobey , & he disposeth of their thefts wch they shold act , nāing these who seeme to him the fittest for the purpose , and choosing the cūningest & wisest of the cōpany forthe most difficult & dangerous thefts . and in this there is so good order kept , that there is no man amōgst us that forgetteth one only point of his duty , nor that passeth the bounds of his commission undertaking that wch is in another mans charge nor medling with greater matters than his capacity can cōpasse . and know this that it is the most essētiall point of our cōmon wealth , by the disorders wherof all others are undone this captain examineth him that cōmeth newly unto the company giving him three months of novice-ship , to try his courage inclinatiō & ability , in wch time , he propoundeth to him some witty questions as be these ; to hang up some little thing without ladder , pole or line ; to steale a mans horse as he is riding on him upō the way ; to snatch a way a courtiers band amōgst a hundred people , & many other things of this kinde . and having known his inclinatiō & capacity , hegivs him the office of a robber , of a grumet , of a cut-purse , or any other wherof he is found to be most capable . you will not deny but that this manner of proceeding is a great state point , just reasonable , & so necessary for the common wealth , that because it hath not bin practised , so great disorders are seene every where in it , seeing violence can promise no other good end . i will tel you that estates and offices should be given to every one , according to his natural inclination , without enforcing or tying him by any respect to another thing than to that which it desireth , not following that which troubleth , to wit , unquietnesse and mishap . for i held it impossible , that shee whom her parents shall put in a cloister against her will , for want of monie to marrie her , can live in peace and contentment . as also he wil never proue a better husband , who for the only pleasure of his parents , and against his minde is tyed in marriage , and so of other employments . we have a notable example of this good order in the lacedemonians state , a curious people , civill and wise , who suffered their children to grow up in libertie , without putting them upon any employment , nor to store up their appetite to any other estate , than to that to which their minde prompted them , and when they came to age and discretion they might choose of themselves the meane to live by most proper and most be fitting their naturall inclination , and thence it proceeded that all their actions were so wel ordered and so perfit . after this manner our cōmon wealth is governed , & with this law our captain ruleth the capacity of those , who come newly unto him , bestowing on him the office & maner of stealing according to the disposition that hee hath taken notice of in him in the months of his novice-ship . this captaine is an old man , wise , well experienced & finally exempted from the trade , as being one whose force and nimblenesse having failed for the practize , he exerciseth the theorie with us teaching us the method and precepts of stealing . to which end he makes us meete together once aweeke in a certaine place appointed for the purpose , where hee bindeth us to give a strict account of all the thefts and accidents that have happened therein , reproving sharply those who are negligent and prove vnprofitable , praysing the vigilant and subtle . this is done ordinarily on saturday night , on which day he appointeth all that must be done the weeke following , sharing out to every one the places that he shold keep in , & the thefts in which he shuld be emploied , taking of thē all a strict oath of faithfulnesse , & punishing the offenders , the first time abridging him of that part of the theft which belongeth to him , the secōd depriving him of the place of sixe moneths , and if he be incorrigible and stubborne , he puts him into the hands of the marshall . if hee falls in a fault by negligence & carelesnesse , as it may be by comming tolate to his place , to go elsewhere , or let slip some occasion in not laying hold of it , he is deprived of a weekes benefit , & taking from him the office of a theefe , he puts him in the office of a spie , or of a watch-man , for the time that our councell shall appoint . of all thefts in the first place is allotted the fifth part to him , that spares the whip to us , banishment , the gallies , the gallowes , and that which remaineth of the tenths for pious uses , which are , to succour the sicke and needie of our companie , to release prisoners , and to ease the disgraces of those that have no monie . we receive no women in the companie , unlesse it be in case of great necessitie , and when it cannot be otherwise , because by nature they cannot keepe secrets , & they being unable to eschew this inconvenience we are bound upon great paines not to reveale unto them , how , from whom , and when wee have stollen . he that commits the theft hath equall share with the captaine for paines & danger that hee hath put himselfe in , his complices have the third part , and the spies the fift . as for the honour and respect which is due to every one , there is such an order kept , that no wrong is done to any one of the companie , every officer having his ranke and place appointed in all our meetings , assemblies and consultations . for the first are the robbers , next the stafadours , then the grumets , after these the hobgoblins , then follow the wooll-drawers , the mallets follow them , and last the apostles , cigarets , cut-purses , and caterers . over all these a kinde of theeves bearesway , called among us liberalls , whose office is to undertake some strange points , as to blacke their faces with inke or kennell durt , to hang garlands of hornes at mens doores , libells or such like , and these are the wittyest of all the company , and those who as it were indued with the best wit and invention , weigh and foreseeing all the difficulties that can happen ▪ in a dangerous case . none of the companie may make any quarrell , noise or contentiō with another , about any matter whatsoever , unlesse it be fained or subtle , to avoide any suspition , that may be offered . we may not eate twice two of us together in one and the same tavern or vitailling house , except it be once in the sev'night , to th'end that if any thing come in the way to be stollen there we may breede no suspition amongst them that should see us there . we are forbidden also to go together through the city or to speake familiarly one to another , unlesse it be to fall a quarrelling , & to make some false blowe at one another , to draw people together , that upon the occasion of our quarrell the cutpurses may make up their hand . every professor of the companie carrieth his badge and secret marke , by which he is in an instant known of us all , understanding by this order , how many there are of an office in every streete & part of the town . so the robbers beare alwaies a glove handing and made fast by one finger . the wooll drawers button their doublet by intercession that is to say , they button one and misse the next . the staffadours stroake their mustaches and their beard at every space , sometimes thrusting their finger into one of their nostrils . the cut-purses have a little white marke in their hat-bands . the malletes beare their cloake after a certaine fashion , and finally every particular office hath its particular token by which it is known among the company . when any woman of the companie is married every profession gives her five crowns to augment her portion , keeping neverthelesse such an order , that she may not be married but to one of her owne trade ; that is to say , the daughter of a robber with a man of the same vocation or calling . and if by chance some cut-purse should marrie his daughter with a robber , staffador or grumet , hee is bound to give him a hundred crowns in portion more then ordinarie , because his sonne of law is of greater and higher office then the father is . we make a vow of patience and suffering , promising to be couragious and constant against torture , though we be seldome put to it , because ( as i have told you ) all that is salv'd with the fifth part . and to the end that all the places of the towne may be sufficiently provided , it is enacted that every professour that shall come newly to a place , should put there some marke , shewing thereby the number of theeves which are in that part : so the first that commeth layth a die in some secret corner , and yet well known to those of the companie , with the ace turned upwards ; the second that commeth , turneth the die to the deuse point , the third to the trey , the fourth to the quater , and so the others to the sise , and being come to that number , the same office stayeth in the same place , because that according to our lawes we cannot be above six in one and the same place : and when any one goeth away he turnes the die upon the number of theeves that remaine , in such sort , that they being six , the first that goeth away turnes the die to the cinque point , the second to the quater , the third to the trey , by which number he that is behinde of the theeves is knowne . we are bound to nourish and sustaine all the creeples , blinde , sick , and those whom their extreame old age excuseth from stealing . none of us may weare cloake , hat , breeches , doublet nor any thing else that was stollen , nor sell gold , silver or jewells in that towne where they were stollen , under paine of a great and exemplarie punishment . wee are commanded to carry alwayes a false beard in our pocket , with plaisters of sundry sorts , to disguise us in an instant , when occasiō shall require . as concerning religion wee are halfe christians , because that of the two principall commandements of gods law we keepe one , which is to love god ; but in no case our neighbour , because we take from him that he hath . next we receive and allow of the two parts of penance , which are confession ( because now and then we confesse ) and contrition : but of the third , which is satisfaction or restitution wee not so much as make mention , or talke . finis . imprimatur thomas weekes . februarie 5. 1637. notes, typically marginal, from the original text notes for div a42233e-800 the author would not haue beene so vehement , had he been in one of our english prisons , which for the most part are made rather places of ease and delight then punishment . spanish apparitors what sort of people . these the evish words of the trade are afterward made cleare . to be whipt at the carts taile . burnd on the shoulders . see cap. 7. p. 54. see cap. 7. cap. 7. ibid. ibids nugæ venales, or, complaisant companion being new jests, domestick and forreign, bulls, rhodomontados, pleasant novels and miscellanies. head, richard, 1637?-1686? 1675 approx. 366 kb of xml-encoded text transcribed from 167 1-bit group-iv tiff page images. text creation partnership, ann arbor, mi ; oxford (uk) : 2009-10 (eebo-tcp phase 1). a43170 wing h1266 estc r30764 11467308 ocm 11467308 47794 this keyboarded and encoded edition of the work described above is co-owned by the institutions providing financial support to the early english books online text creation partnership. this phase i text is available for reuse, according to the terms of creative commons 0 1.0 universal . the text can be copied, modified, distributed and performed, even for commercial purposes, all without asking permission. early english books online. (eebo-tcp ; phase 1, no. a43170) transcribed from: (early english books online ; image set 47794) images scanned from microfilm: (early english books, 1641-1700 ; 1463:24) nugæ venales, or, complaisant companion being new jests, domestick and forreign, bulls, rhodomontados, pleasant novels and miscellanies. head, richard, 1637?-1686? the second edition corrected, with many new additions. [4], 327 p. printed by w.d. london : 1675. in ms. on fly leaf: "by richard head." illustrated frontispiece. imperfect: pages creased with print show-through and some loss of print. reproduction of original in the harvard university library. created by converting tcp files to tei p5 using tcp2tei.xsl, tei @ oxford. re-processed by university of nebraska-lincoln and northwestern, with changes to facilitate morpho-syntactic tagging. gap elements of known extent have been transformed into placeholder characters or elements to simplify the filling in of gaps by user contributors. eebo-tcp is a partnership between the universities of michigan and oxford and the publisher proquest to create accurately transcribed and encoded texts based on the image sets published by proquest via their early english books online (eebo) database (http://eebo.chadwyck.com). the general aim of eebo-tcp is to encode one copy (usually the first edition) of every monographic english-language title published between 1473 and 1700 available in eebo. eebo-tcp aimed to produce large quantities of textual data within the usual project restraints of time and funding, and therefore chose to create diplomatic transcriptions (as opposed to critical editions) with light-touch, mainly structural encoding based on the text encoding initiative (http://www.tei-c.org). the eebo-tcp project was divided into two phases. the 25,363 texts created during phase 1 of the project have been released into the public domain as of 1 january 2015. anyone can now take and use these texts for their own purposes, but we respectfully request that due credit and attribution is given to their original source. users should be aware of the process of creating the tcp texts, and therefore of any assumptions that can be made about the data. text selection was based on the new cambridge bibliography of english literature (ncbel). if an author (or for an anonymous work, the title) appears in ncbel, then their works are eligible for inclusion. selection was intended to range over a wide variety of subject areas, to reflect the true nature of the print record of the period. in general, first editions of a works in english were prioritized, although there are a number of works in other languages, notably latin and welsh, included and sometimes a second or later edition of a work was chosen if there was a compelling reason to do so. image sets were sent to external keying companies for transcription and basic encoding. quality assurance was then carried out by editorial teams in oxford and michigan. 5% (or 5 pages, whichever is the greater) of each text was proofread for accuracy and those which did not meet qa standards were returned to the keyers to be redone. after proofreading, the encoding was enhanced and/or corrected and characters marked as illegible were corrected where possible up to a limit of 100 instances per text. any remaining illegibles were encoded as <gap>s. understanding these processes should make clear that, while the overall quality of tcp data is very good, some errors will remain and some readable characters will be marked as illegible. users should bear in mind that in all likelihood such instances will never have been looked at by a tcp editor. the texts were encoded and linked to page images in accordance with level 4 of the tei in libraries guidelines. copies of the texts have been issued variously as sgml (tcp schema; ascii text with mnemonic sdata character entities); displayable xml (tcp schema; characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or text strings within braces); or lossless xml (tei p5, characters represented either as utf-8 unicode or tei g elements). keying and markup guidelines are available at the text creation partnership web site . eng rogues and vagabonds. 2008-08 tcp assigned for keying and markup 2008-09 spi global keyed and coded from proquest page images 2008-10 john pas sampled and proofread 2008-10 john pas text and markup reviewed and edited 2009-02 pfs batch review (qc) and xml conversion 〈◊〉 stout be mercifull nugae venales , or , complaisant companion : being new jests , domestick and forreign , bulls , rhodomontado's , pleasant novels , and , miscellanies . the second edition corrected , with many new additions . if these true jests don't ev'ry humour fit , let fops , like me , ne're nibble more as wit. london , printed by w. d. and sold at the ship in st. mary axe , and by most booksellers , 1675. the epistle to the reader . certainly before the mexican conquest , never did the indian mines so abound with gold , as doth this over-curious critical age with pretenders to all manner of wit and ingenuity : the stage is throng'd , the press opprest , and not a coffee-house but what is unreasonably smoakt with the fumes of hot working brains , whose only hopes and designs are , either to prattle , or scribble themselves into reputation : nay , the bookseller is become a demi critick , who knowing not what to have , will be sure to censure 〈…〉 at ye then blind harpers ; you who look on true wit with as many grimaces , or monkey-faces , as if some barber chirurgeon was fumbling about your rotten gums with a rusty instrument to find out the stump of some putrified and corrupted tooth , which out-stinks the devils scotch ordinary , and house of office , 't is not the persian gulph , or epsoms-well , nor westminsters sweet plum-broth ( made in hell ) can change my resolution , i have vow'd to speak with silence , and to vvrite aloud . you ignorant brisk fops , who being internally blind , can discern no farther than you can see , whose gaping mouthes dam'd up with silent non-sense speaks loudly that ye are full of emptiness ; and so she bid me to tell you ; reason , and you are as neer allyed as the artick and antartick poles , for which posterity hath long since registred you fools , and former ages , for the time to come , shall confirm it . but now though in jest let me be in earnest , when after you have read what is before , and in the middle , you meet with the bulls , if they please you , as much as they are like you , then assure your self the next time , my bulls calve , you shall have more of them . for further satisfaction , at which time you shall have dunsmore cows-milk to make sillebubs ; i know you must like them , being so like your selves ; and to tell you the truth , i play'd the bear to lick them into a form , as like you as i could , and i think i have done it monstrously well , if i am not deceived : for know , though i will give place , yet i will never precedency , neither to merry andrew , the vvestminster quibler , pasquin , or any other scribler famous for propagating laughter by buffonry , and non-sense , or infamous , and detestable , causeless and villanous detraction , whom interest would ingage to stab his father with his pen , and afterwards kill his brother with his sword in vindication of the fact. — o foul offence ! this non-sense tasts of too much truth and sense . now if i must have your detracting commendations , say not a word , by which 〈◊〉 expressions my ears , and consequently my understanding will be informed , that according to the proverb , consent doth give silence ; but if your toothless censure should fasten upon the shoulders of my reputation , and my credit rankle by the venome thereof , i shall only for the present say , farew●l and behang'd , and that is twice god-boy . one word more i beg leave to add ( craving pardon from the discreat for the preceding ribaldry ) and that is concerning the novels that are contained in this book of jests ; what are acted in our own country are new , true and pleasant , as to what are translated , out of french ; if their plot be bad , impute the blame to the sterility and dullness of monsieur's fancy , and not of him , who is your countrey-man . domestick jests , witty reparties , &c. a facetious gentleman was one day deeply engaged in discourse with a witty gentlewoman , who at length was pleas'd to condemn the weakness of her sex ; nay madam , not so , for if i mistake not , it is easie to prove your sex stronger than ours , for sampson ( the strongest man living ) carried only the gates of the city on his shoulders , and now adayes every stripling female carries a tower on her forehead : to which she very briskly replied , surely sir , you have a capacious and very strong head , that can carry up and down so many wind-mills . immediately after the conversion of a noblemans house into shops , two gentlemen walking by saw written over the entrance , the midle exchange , we have enough of these already said the other , which without any addition can plentifully supply what necessity or curiosity can require , and therefore take away the first letter m. and then the name and nature thereof will both correspond , by reading it the idle exchange . one gentleman meeting another very early in the morning , who had been a rambling all night , askt him where he had been , the other answered he had been a hunting : where quoth t'other ? in whetstones park , he replied , and a pox on 't , said he , i can find never a hair in 't . a lord desired his chaplain to write a copy of verses on his lady , who was a very great shrew , it was promised but not performed , the lord asking a reason of his delay , said the chaplain , what need you my lord desire a copy , when you have the original ? my lady hearing thereof , caused the chaplain to be discharged , and so he paid for his wit. a country fellow , who had never seen london , was abused one day by some young clerks of an inn of chancery , who thereupon complained to the principal of the house in this matter ; i have been much abused by a company of rascals belonging to this house , and being informed you are the principal , i thought good to acquaint you therewith . some neighbours that dwelt all in a row on one side of the street , were resolved to be merry with their wives , said one , they say we are all cuckolds who live on this side , but one , hereupon his wife was in her dumps , how now sweet-heart , said he , why so sad ? i am not sad said she , but i am studying who that one of our neighbours it should be , that is not a cuckold . a citizen being made a cuckold by his neighbour , brings his action against the party , and lays it quod clausum fregit , & domum intravit , &c. the business coming to a tryal , the ju●y brought in a verdict for the plantiff , and a mark damages ; the tryal being over , he stept to the jury , saying , you see i am contented to enter my self a cuckold on record , you might have considered it is very likely to be your own case , and yet you give me but a mark dammage : well , i hope to see you all so marked for your pains . a lady sent her servant to the play-house to know what was acted that day , the fellow asking the question , he was answered , go tell your lady 't is pitty she is a whore , the fellow misunderstanding , and thinking this was spoke of his lady , and not of the play , replyed , 't is pity such a parcel of rogues , rascals , and idle sons of whores should abuse honest women after this manner . there was one mr. herring , who notwithstanding his pious function , was reputed a good fellow ; one day returning home after a sound fuddle , chanced to fall in the kennel , and very much bedaub'd himself , a gentleman passing that way who knew him , took him up , saying , indeed mr. herring i am very sorry to see you in such a sad and woful pickle . one seeing in a play-bill upon a post , a great man gull'd , and underneath , by his majesties servants , read it thus , a great man gull'd by his majesties servants , adding to it these words , by my soul as true a thing as ever was writ . a parson having in his sermon much inveighed against usury , saying it was a sin as bad as wilful murder ; a little after wanting mony , he went to one of his parishioners , and desired the loan of twenty pounds gratis for 3. months , the man remembering the parsons sermon , said , truly sir , if to lend money upon use be in your opinion as great a sin as murder , in my opinion to lend mony gratis , is a greater sin than man-slaughter . an ancient gentlewoman desirous to be believed young , was telling some company one day that she was but nine and thirty years of age ; one standing by whispered another in the ear , saying , surely she must be more then fifty , to which he replyed , you may believe what you please , but i must believe what she saith is a truth , she having told me so this ten years . a gentleman whose name was church sitting in a chimny-corner in the winter time drinking of a pot of ale , askt the question , whether any of the company ever saw a chimny in a church , no ( said one ) but i now see a church in a chimny-corner . mr. church another time was telling his friend that his wife was with child , and withal , so big , that he could not choose but wonder every time he looke upon her ; you need not wonder ( said his friend ) do you not know your wife hath a church in her belly ? a gentleman having drank very hard at the kings-head tavern , came reeling out up chancery-lane , and and chanced to reel within the rails of the pump , and kept his motion round so long , that he was tired ; whereupon leaning on the rail , he askt one that passed by where he was , he told him over against the chancery : i thought so ( said he ) and that 's the reason i think i shall never get out of this place . a gentleman had kept another mans wife company so long till he began to be tyred with her , and the sooner to be rid of her , got a friend to proffer her husband three hundred pound to take her again ; he seemed averse to the proposition , whereupon he was advised to take her , and the mony ; and then whereas other cuckolds wear their horns plain , he might wear his gilt . a man and his wife being in bed together , towards morning she pretended her self ill at ease , desiring to lye on her husbands fide , the good man to please her , came over , making some short stay in his passage ; she had not laid long , but desired to lye in her own place again , quoth he , how can this be done ? she answered , come over me again : i had rather said he go half a mile about . in chancery one time when the councel of the parties set forch the boundary of the land in question by the plot ; the councel of the one part said , we lye on this side my lord , and the council of the other side said , and we lye on this side ; the lord chancellor then in being stood up saying , if you lye on both sides , whom will you have me to believe ? an old man having married a young maid ( as was supposed ) seemed very jolly , but the bride very melancholy & sad ; one of the guests observing it , bid her be merry ; and for her better comfort told her that an old horse would hold out as long and as well as a young one in travel , to which she replied , stroking down her belly with her hands , but not in this rode . ( supposed common . ) two actors , the one of the kings , and the other of the dukes house , talking jocosely one with the other ; said the one , in troth ned thy whole life is so cramm'd with merry mimmick humors , that if well compiled , they would be the subject of an excellent comedy ; to which the other replyed , thy life is stuft with such subtile damn'd plots & roguery , that it would make a very deep tragedy , if the poet were mindful of making thee hang thy self at the latter end of it . one of the nursery in barbican had borrowed a play-book of a bookseller , called the wits , and was by agreement to return it at sucha time , or loose the money he left in ●ue thereof ; laying it some where careless at a rehearsal , it was missing ; nor could it be found , which made our actor swear and damn after a mad rate , not so much for the loss of his book i guess , as for fear he should loose his mortgaged shilling , ( a considerable sum in dearth of mony ; ) one hearing him rore after this hellish manner , askt what was the matter ; nothing , nothing , ( said a stander by ) but that our brother hath lost his wits . a mad crew went to a tavern with a ( devilish ) resolution to be damnable drunk ; one being more over-powred then the rest , spewed perpetually ; and seeing that , he would no longer bear them company , called for a reckoning ; why ( said one ) cannot you tell that , that have so often cast up what you drank ? no marry i cannot , ( said he ) for i was so bus●e in a casting up the account , that i did not mind the reckoning . a citizen dying greatly in debt , it coming to his creditors ears , farewel said one , there is so much of mine gone with him ; and he carried so much of mine said another ; one hearing them make their several complaints , said , well , i see now that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of this world , yet he may carry a great deal of other mens . it is reported of late that a gentleman dignified with no mean title , was riding one day with his footman attending , ( who was an arch crack ) the fellow not following so close as he should , was rebuked by his master , and called a thousand strange names , as whoresegg , hounds-foot , d●vils spawn , and the like ; this so nettled the footman , that making what speed he could , got up within the reach of his master , and taking from the ground a hard clod of earth , flung it as hard as he could against his masters back , & instantly thereupon stooping , he scra●ht his leg ; his master turning about askt him what was the matter ; the matter , quoth he , pox take your horse for kicking , i doubt he hath lamed me ; prithee ( said the gentleman ) be no more angry then i am for at the same time he kickt me on the back . a suit of law being referred to a gentleman ; the plaintiff who had the equity of the cause on his side , presented him with a new coach , and the defendent sent him a couple of brave horses ; the gentleman liking the horses better then the coach , gave fentence on the defendants side ; hereupon the plaintiff calls to him , and asketh him how it came to pass the coach went out of the right way ; he replyed , he could not help it , for the h●rses had drawn it so . a young boyish finniken mercer , after he had sold a gentlewoman ( small in stature ) some commodities , thinking to oblige her another time by his pleasant discourse , sumon'd all his f●culties to talk all he had at once , at length fell into a self praise of effeminate smooth faces , alledging the man-like countenance was designed undoubtedly for the wars , and the other for ladyes service ; pis● ( said she ) give me the face that looks like a man , the other is not worth a hair . a poor poet being engaged among some virtuosi in a coffee-house , talkt a little at random ( as well he might being bare without , and empty within ) it being taken notice of by a cunning quibbler , he askt him where his wits were ? to which he answered , that if they were not in pye-corner , they were certainly in pudding-lane , or gone a wool-gathering . an indigent gentleman was perswaded to marry a prostitute , for no other reason then that she was rich , and perhaps might turn ; turn ( said the gentleman ) she hath been so much worn , that she is past turning . a very wicked extravagant fellow boasting of his travels , and amongst the rest of those incredible things he had seen , said , that he had been on the very top of teneriff ( which is accounted one of highest hills in the world ; ) one askt him why he did not stay there , for he was perswaded he would never be so near heaven again . at another time he applyed himself to this gentlewoman in his accustomed bumbazeen expressions , and not knowing what to say , being to praise this gentlewoman above measure , for no other reason but that she was little ; nay sir ( said she ) if that be all the grounds for your commendation , i shall ever hereafter upon the same grounds have the same asteem of your wit as you have of my person . one seeing an answer in chancery written five words in a line , and not above ten lines in a folio page , askt why they were writ so wide ; one answered it was done to keep the peace , for if the plaintiff should be in one line , and the defendant in the other , the lines being too near , they would go together by the ears . a pragmatical fellow having a mind to put a trick upon a man that was talking significant enough , interrupted him in his discourse , and said that he loved to hear a man talk non-sense with all his heart ; it seems so said the other ; and that is the reason you love to hear your self talk so much . a handsom woman , but dishonest , was frequently reproved by a relation for her levity and disobedience , frequently inculcating , that her husband was her head , and therefore should both love and obey him : in a little time she undid her husband , and was forced to fly for it ; being reproved again by the same party for her extravagant lewd actions ; pray forbear ( said she ) and meddle with your own business , i have injured none but my self , and that is by breaking my own head . a citizen that was more tender of himself then his wife , usully in cold weather made her goe to bed first , and when he thought her plump buttocks had sufficiently warmed his place , he then came and removed her out of it , and lay in it himself ; and to make himself merry , called her his warming-pan ; she not being able to indure this indignity any longer , one night ( sir reverence ) she did shit a bed ; he leaping into it , and finding himself in a stinking condition , cryed out , o wife i am beshit , no husband , says she , it is but a coal dropt out of your warming-pan . one of the sherriffs being sick , my lord was forced to ride with one sheriff , which occasioned my lord to say , that a lord mayor riding with one sherriff , was like a sow with one ear ; your pardon my lord said the sherriff , i think it is more like a waterman with one skull . a certain person lately attempted the violation of the honor of a very virtuous gentlewoman by this stratagem ; as they wer alone together he pretended his back itcht , and therefore desired the gentlewoman to scratch it , who suspecting nothing , concented , in the mean time this beastly fellow obscenely shewed what nature would , & modesty must hide , saying , madam look whether i am not of the nature of a cat , who being scratcht on the back will play with her tail : the gentlewoman all in confusion , furiously flung from him , and with much indignation related the affront to her husband , who bid her not disquiet herself , and he would very speedily find out a way to be revenged , and thus it was , he invited him one day to dinner , & to remove all suspition he entertain'd him very liberally , having dined , he took him to the balcony , where having discoursed him a while , at length he took him up by the twist and threw him over , which was a great height from the ground , saying , if you have the nature of a cat , no doubt you will pitch upon your leggs . a gentleman amongst company was relating a jest of a servitor in the university , who was commanded by his tutor to goe down to the kitchin and heat some meat , who instead thereof did eat it , justifying the act by saying , h non est litera ; how , said the stander by , is h no letter ? i am sorry for that , for my name being hill , 't will be then ill. an arch young wagg hearing one morning the cry of kitchin-stuff , called the woman to him , and askt her what she cryed ? ritching-stuff said she , what 's that quoth he ? she repli'd it was that dropt from flesh : say you so said he , call to morrow and i will furnish you with some , the next morning she came , and this wagg in the time had prepared a pot half full of si● reverence — the woman according to custom put her arm into the pot and drawing it out saw how she was abused , and began to be angry ; nay , nay , says the young man you have no cause for passion , have not i fulfilled my promise in furnishing you with what drops from flesh ? it is very true said she , and now i think on it , your flesh appears to me very dry ( and stroaking his face with her sh — hand ) wants a little greasing , and stands in need i think of basting too . one asked a profuse gallant why he would sell his land ; he replyed , because he was now on his journey towards heaven , where he could not arrive till he had for saken the earth . two seeing a handsome young wench pass by them whome they knew many grains too light , but very poor , one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare : it is no wonder said the other , for she is common . there was a gentlewoman named cunny , who was of a free jolly , yet innocent disposition ; a gentleman chanced to take lodgings in the same house where she lay , whose name was parsley ; being askt one day how he liked mrs. cunney , very well said he , but i like her much better were mrs. cunney stust with parsley . a crooked dwarf passing along the streets , said one , look yonder and see whether there goes not a man of prodigious height ; who doe you mean said the other that dwarf ? i that dwarf if you call him so said the other ; for he cannot stand upright in the highest room of this city . a lass espying a young mans testicles hang out of his breeches , that were broken in the seat , askt him with a seeming or real ignorance what it was ? it is my purse quoth he , thy purse quoth she , then i am sure my purse is cut . an idle drunken dyer complained to a serious pious neighbour of his , that whatsoever he undertook to dye came commonly by a mischance ; to which the other replyed , that the only way to have this amended was , speedily to mend himself , for he that lived ill , could never die well . one asked another why men were not content to tell lyes , but they must publish them in print , the reason is apparent said the other , because when men lye , they most desire to lye in sheets . one asked what should be the reason that prentices were so apt to quarrel with gentlemen upon a small occasion , because said the other they are glad any occasion to knock them , for knocking their mistresses . three young conceited wits sitting in a tavern very merry , it chanced that a grave old gentleman with along gray beard looked into the room , whom , as soon as they had espied , to show their wit , saluted him with the name of father abraham , the other with isaac , and the third with jacob ; i am ( said the gentleman ) neither father abraham , isaac , nor jacob , but saul the son of kish , who went out to seek his fathers asses , and here i find them , and here i leave them . a young bucksom gentlewoman was very much perswaded to leave a town call'd maidenhead , and go into the country , to marry a rich man , old and impotent , which she refused ; being asked the reason , said she , i am resolved to live in maidenhead a little longer , for as yet i have no mind to go to graves-end . a young maid coming fresh out of the country , was courted by a person of quality , whom she understood was poxt ; he daily wooed her , and promised her marriage ; she refused , and being asked the reason , why she ( that was meanly born ) would not marry one , that would not only enrich her , but enoble her blood ? i will not , said she , currupt my flesh to better my blood for any prince in christendom . a gentlewoman cheapning of a clostool , bid too little for it ; the trunk-maker to perswade her to give more , desired her to look on the goodness of the lock and key ; as for that quoth the gentlewoman i value not , for i purpose to put nothing into it , but what i care not who steals out . a wit at cambridge in king james his time , was ordered to preach at st. maries before the vice-chancellour and the heads of the university , who formerly had observed the drowsiness of the vice-chancellour , and thereupon took this place of scripture for his text , what ? cannot ye watch one hour ? at every devision he concluded with his text , which by reason of the vice-chancellors sitting so near the pulpit , often awaked him ; this was so noted by the wits , that it was the talk of the whole university , and withal it did so nettle the vice-chancellour , that he complained to the arch-bishop of canterbury , who willing to redess him , sent for this scholar up to london to defend himself against the crime laid to his charge , where coming , he made so many proofs of his extraordinary wit , that the arch bishop enjoined him to preach before king james , after some excuses he at length condescended , and coming into the pulpit , begins , james the first and the sixth ; waver not ; meaning the first king of england , and the sixth of scotland ; at first the king was somewhat amazed at the text , but in the end was so well pleased with his sermon that he made him one of his chaplains in ordinary ; after this advancement , the arch-bishop sent him down to cambrige to make his recantation to the vice-chancellor , and to take leave of the university ; which he accordingly did , and took the latter part of the verse of the former text , sleep on now and take your rest , concluding his sermon , he made his apology to the vice-chancelour , saying , whereas i said before , ( which gave offence ) what ? cannot you watch one hour ? i say now , sleep on , and take your rest , and so lest the university . a learned and charitable doctor having made ( for the benefit of the country wherein he dwelt ) a large causey , whilst he was overseeing his work , a nobleman of his acquaintance chanced to ride that way , who seeing the doctor , saluted him kindly , thinking to jeer him into the bargain ; dr. ( quoth he ) for all your pains and expences , i suppose this is not the high-way to heaven : i think ( replyed the doctor ) you have hit the nail on the head , for if it had , i should have wondred to have met your lord-ship here . a gentleman that was very faint hearted , fell sick , whereupon his friend went to visit him , and found him so shamefully afraid of death , that he had not patience to stay with him , for all his words were , ah ! ah ! ha ! what shall i do , have i no friend in the world that will dispatch me from this grief and pain ? reiterating these words over and over ; hereupon his friend , to try him , drew his sword , and clapping it to his breast said , yea , you have me your friend left , who will instantly do you that kindness ; the sick person startled thereat , and cryed out , hold friend , hold ; though i have a desire to be rid of my pains , yet i have no such mind to be rid of my life . a minister having preached in the parish of st. bennets sheerhog above half a year , and yet received nothing from the church-wardens , h●rkned out for another benefice , and quickly found one vacant ; now to the intent that he might not leve them abruptly , he civily told them of his intention , and that he would give them a farewell sermon , though they had not deserved it from him ; having reproved them severely , for their enormities , at the conclusion , he spake something in relation to the pa●sh , and parish ●oners , in words to this effect , t●e●loved , i understand that the name of this parish is benners-sheerhog , and i presume very well it may , for my part i have instructed you above six months , without reward , ●d therefore may say , hogs i found you , and hogs i leave you , but the devil sheer you . a plain country fellow born in essex , coming to london ( which place he never saw before , as he walkt the streets he espied a rope hanging at a merchants door with a handle at it , wonder ing what it meant , he takes it in his hand and played with it to and fro , at length pulling it hard , he heard a bell ring ; it so hap●ed that the merchant being near the door , went himself and demanded what the follow would have ; nothing sir said he , i did but play with this pretty thing which hangs at your door . what country man are you said the merchant ? an essex man an 't please you replyed the other . i thought so quoth the merchant , for i have often heard say , that if a man beat a bush in essex , there presently comes forth a calf ; it may be so replyed the country man ; but i think that ●an can no sooner ring a bell in london but a cuckold looks out presently . a gentleman having sore eyes , occasioned by ebriety , was advised by his physician to forbear drinking of wine ; but he said , he neither could nor would forbear it , maintaining it for the lesser evil to shut up the windows of his body , then to suffer the house to fall down through want of reparation . a country fellow was much troubled that he had not gone ten miles to have seen the monkeys dance upon the ropes ; why said his wife , it is too far to go and come a foot in one day to see such bables ; o quoth he , i could have gone thither with my neighbour hobson on foot like a fool as i was , and imight have rid back upon my neighbour jobsons mare like an ass as i am . thus in the preter tense a fool he was , and in the present tense he is an ass ; and in the future fool and ass shall be , that goes or rides so far such sights to see . some gentlemen being in a tavern as they were in the height of their jollity , in came a freind of theirs whose name was sampson ; a ha ! said one we may be now securely merry , searing neither serjeant or bailiff , for if a thousand of such philitins come , here is sampson who is able to brain them all ; to whom sampson replyed , sir , i may boldly venture against so many as you speak of provided you will lend me one of your jaw bones . a gentleman seeing a very prety made with her valentin pind on her sleeve , intending to play the wag with her , askt , if her wastcoat was to be let ? yes sir said she to be let alone ; i am content said he , to let your wastcoat alone , but not your petticoat . a gentlewoman , to be in the fashion , must needs ( like her neighbours ) have a friend , or gallant befides her husband ; having singled out one day one ( whom she thought fit for her purpose ) privately she told him , how dearly she loved him , above all men ! her husband chancing to over-hear her ; said , sir , believe her not ; for she hath told me the same many times this seven years , and god knows how many more besides . a gentleman that was purblind , or dim-sighted , hapned against his will to affront another person of quality , who thereupon challenged him the field ; the other returned him this answer : that his eyes were weak , and could not indure the light , & therefore he should have a great disadvantage in fighting him in the open field ; but as a gentleman he desired him not to desire ods , and therefore invited him to a combat in a dark cellar , and to dispatch the quarrel , pitcht upon no other weapon but an hatchet ; this strange challenge so pleased the gentleman , that instead of fighting , they became very good friends . mr. dunscom , and one mr. cox living one near the other in the country , fell out about five foot of ground , and nothing must serve but the law to decide the controversie : to 't they went , and sued one another so long , that they were forced at last to prosecute the suit each of them in forma pauper is ; at length the case coming to a definitive hearing , and the judge understanding how long they had been vexatious , to the utter ●uine of each other , said thus ; gentlemen , there hath been a scandal cast upon the law for its tediousness in mens recovering their rights , the fault is not in the law , but in you and such like , who delight in long and tedious suits to the destruction f● their own and anothers family . but to the business in hand ; here is five foot of land in contr●ve●sie between you , and both of you have brought equal arguments to prove the propriety ; wherefore my sentence shall be , that the five foot of land be equally divided ; and now let me desire you , mr. dunscomb to permit me to devide your name too , take comb and put it to cox ; then your name will be dunce , and his coxcomb ; and so gave order for their names to be registred on record . a tradesman having servants , observed 〈◊〉 to ramble at nights ; and watching him one time , lockt him out , and took the keyes up with him ; the ramble being over , home came this apprentice and knocking at the door , could get no 〈◊〉 ; whereupon he earnestly beg'd his follow servant to let him in ; introth tom i cannot ( said he ) my master hath the keys , and i dare not ask them of him : but if you will go to him your self 't is ten to 〈◊〉 he will let you in . a gentlewoman of greater beauty then chastity , standing in a balcony , was gazed on by a fop gallant that had as little wit and manners , as she had nonesty ; in his long stairing her in the face , be made some abusive signs , which forced her to withdraw ; hereupon this gentleman , ask● her whether the sun offended her , and so , drove her thence , yes ( said she , ) thy mothers son , that son of a whore. a gentleman having a very sore nose a long time , was askt by his friend how it was ; truly said he , it hath been very bad , but now it is pretty current ; i think so too says the other , for 't is always running . a gentleman speaking of his long and large travels , was interrupted by a lady , who said she had travelled farther then him if so madam says he , as travellers we may lye together by authority . a journy-man baker watcht his opportunity , and stole a neighbours goose , which he perceiving , cryed out as the baker was runing , baker , baker ; i will , i will , said he , being served with a warrant , he told the justice , his neighbour bid him bake her , as he did , but not coming to eat her , he did eat her himself . as two doctors were walking , an unhappy baggage emptied a chamber-pot by chance on their heads , one of them hereat grew angry , says t'other we are phisitians , but let us be patients ; and calling to her ; said , are you not ashamed for your impudence , to cast water before two well known doctors , when it is none of your profession . says a lord , my friend , i should know thee , yes says he , i am one of your lordships tennants , my name is f. l. o says the lord , i remember there were two brothers of you , one is dead , but which is he that is alive ? it is i my lord , says wise-acre . a young man married a cross piece of flesh , who not contented though her husband was very kind , made continual complaints to her father , to the great griefe of both families ; the husband being no longer able to indure this scurvy humour , banged her soundly : hereupon she complained to her father , who understanding well the perversness of her humour , took her to task , and laced her sides soundly too ; saying , go and commend me to your husband , and tell him i am now even with him , for i have cudgeled his wife , as he hath beaten my daughter . in the last great plague time , a constable heard a woman beating of her husband ; whereupon he ran immediately and set a cross on the door , and a watchman to attend , being askt the reason ; he said , a greater plague under heaven could not befall a man then for to be beaten by his wife . a fellow hearing one say according to the italian proverb , that three women make a marken with their ch●tting , nay then said he , add my wife to them , and they will make a faire . q ne askt his friend what such a one was that was the●● in company , the other replyed he was a proctor , and had done some business of his wifes ; you mistake said the other , he doth not thy wifes business but doth thy business on thy wife . a red nosed man and his wife being invited to supper , was intreated going home to take a light with him being very da●k , it needs not said the man , for my nose and my wife are light enough . a taylor complained in the hearing of his wife that she brought him nothing : you lye like a rogue said she , i bring you children every year without your help or assistance . a countryman told his wife 't was her fault that his daughter played the whore for she should have lock-her up , lock me no locks says she , the devil take that key that cannot undo that lock . upon the christning of a child , said the husband to his pretendedly religious wife , my dear , who dost think hath promised to be godfather ? i know not quoth she ? why e'ne thom. alcock , o the father ! will he be here , says she . a gentleman hired a waterman to land him at temple-stairs , which he did , but it was in the mud ; for which the gentleman grew angry , and would not pay him a farthing , saying , my bargain was to land me at temple-stairs , but this is puddle-deck● a gentleman having a very handsome servant , and as he verily concluded a maid , sollicited her to lie with him ; but she refused ; at last it came to this , that all she feared was he would hurt her ; he told her no : she said , if he did , she would cry out ; all being finisht , la you there said he , did i hurt you ? or did i cry out , said she ? her mrs. not long after perceived her puking , askt her whether she was not with child ; ●charging her home , she confest , and that it was her master got it , where said she ? in the truckle-bed , where was i then ? in the high-bed forsooth a sleep , o you whore , why did you not cry out ; why forsooth ( said she ) since my master did not hurt me , why should i cry out ? had you been in my condition would you have done so ? one mr. eaton making one day a plentifull feast , amongst other dishes he had a goose , which those at the upper end of the table had so mangled , that there was nothing left in a manner but the skeleton ; however mr. eaton ( in civility ) askt some at the lower end , whether they would eat any goose ; one taking it as a trick put upon them , said , no sir , i thank you , here is plenty of other food to feed on ? as for your goose it is eaton . mr buck invited mr. cook to dinner , ( who was a clownish gentleman ) to a venison pasty ; at dinner mr. cook was pleased ( though uncivily ) to say , mr. buck , in troth your buck is ill season'd , and but half baked , it may be so sayd he , but yet buck is good meat ; but what says the proverb , god sends meat , but the devil sends cooks . two gentlemen striving for the superiority in wit , one had much the better on 't , and gave him such a parting blow with the acuteness of his quick fancy , that the company taking notice of it fell a laughing ; saying , that he was struck dead at a blow , as sampson did the philistins ; to which the other briskly replyed , i think so too , and by the same means , for i received that blow by a jaw bone of an ass . a farmer being consumptive , came with his wife to a doctor , who advised him to drink asses milk every morning ; saying moreover , that if he could not get it , the farmer should come to him ; why husband , said the wife , d●th the doctor give suck ? a gentle woman sitting carelesly by a fire side , sate stradling , her husband in a pleasant humor told her , that her cabinet stood open : say you so said she , why don't you lock it then ? for i am sure that none keeps the key but your self ? a gentlewoman delighting in plurality of lovers chanced to admit to her embraces two gentlemen who loved one another entirely , but were unacquainted with each others loves ; one of them having layne with this gentlewoman one night , lost his ring in the bed , which the other found the next night after ; the day following , the other sees it on his friends finger ; after a great many arguings about it , they came to understand one anothers amorous intrigues ; the gentleman demands his ring ; the other refuses ; at last it was agreed that it should be left to the next commer by , who should have the ring ; it chanced to be the husband of this woman , who understanding the whole matter , adjudged the ring should belong to him who own'd the sheets ; marry then said they , for your excellent judgement , you shall have the ●ing . a scholar in a colledg-hall declaming , having a bad memory , was at a stand whereupon in a low voice he desired one that stood close by , to help him out ; no says the other , methinks you are out enough already . a poor harmless man was continually ab●sed by a scolding wife ; and such was her imp●dence that she would call him cuckold a hundred times together , a ninny standing by and hearing it , said what a fool this man is to let his wife know he is a cuckold . a country gentleman riding down corn-hill , his horse stumbled , and threw him into a shop ; the mrs. thereof being a pleasant woman , not forbearing smiling , ( seeing there was no hurt done ) askt him , whether his horse used so to serve him , yes , said he , when he comes just against a cuckol●s door ; then in troth said she you are like to have forty falls before you come to the upper end of cheap-side a man and his dog ( named cuckold , ) going together in the evening returning home , the dog ran in a doors first ; o mother says the boy cuckold 's come ; nay then says the mother your father is not far off i am sure . one said , ( having drunk small beer ) that it was dead ; it is very likely said another , for it was very weak when i was here last . what a sad condition am i in , said a fellow in the stocks ? i can see over the wood , under the wood , and through the wood , but can't get out of the wood. one running into a neighbours house for a little hot water for one that was ready to sound ; alas , said the other i wish you had com a little sooner ; for i ju●t now threw away a whole kittle full . a scriveners man reading a bill of sale to his master ; ( according to forme ) i do demise , grant , and to farme let , and sell all my lands — but on sudden the cough took him , that at present he could not read a word more ; at which his master being angry , bid him read on with a pox ; at which words he went on , to you , your heirs , and their heirs for ever . an ancient gentlewoman had a nephew a scholar in katherin-hall in cambridge , and meeting one day his tutor , she askt him how her nephew behaved himself ? truly madam ( said he ) he is a great student , and holds close to katherin-hall ; i vow ( said she ) i feared as much , for the boy was ever given to wenches from his infancy . one phanatick said to another , that he hoped god would not lay it to his charge that he had fasted one day last lent ; how said the other , i hope it was not on good-friday , as they call it ; no said the other , but it was on ash-wednesday as they call it , why that 's as bad said the other ; but hear the truth brother , i did eat so much on shrove tuesday , as they call it , that i could not eat a bit the day after , as they call it . a seaman unaccustomed to ride , was mounted on a curvetting horse , which reard a loft ; hey day quoth he , i never expected to have met with billows here to be thus tost on land before . a fat man riding on a lean horse , was askt why he was so fat , and his horse so leane ? said he , i look to my self , but my man to my horse . a foolish wench meerly out of revenge complained to a justice , that such a man would have ravisht her ; what did he doe says he ? he tied my hands so fast i could not stirr them ; and what else ? why sr. said she , he would have tied my legs too , but i had the wit to keep them far enough a sunder . a man having a candle in his hand , said , by this light wife i dreamed last night thou madest me a cuckold : she having a piece of bread in her hand , said , by this bread husband but i did not : eat the bread then says he , nay ( sayes she ) eat you the candle , for you swore first . a gentleman riding near the forrest of which-wood in oxford-shire , askt a fellow what that wood was cal'd ? he said , whichwood sir. why that wood ( said the gentleman ) which-wood sir , why that wood i tell thee ; he still said which-wood ; i think said the gentleman thou art as senseless as the wood that grows there , it may be so replyed the other , but you know not which-wood . one gentleman desired another to drink more then he could bare , a●d therefore he refused ; the other swore if he did not drink off that glass he would run him through , nay , rather then that , said the other , i will run my self through , and pledge you afterwards , and so running through the door down stairs , left the other to pay the reckoning . a man walking with a pike-staff in his hand , it chanced that a dog came running at him open mouth'd ; hereupon he thrust the sharp end of the pike down his throat , and killed him ; the dogs master askt the fellow , why he did not save his dog by striking him with the blunt end of the staff ? so i would said he if he had run at me with his tail . one askt a painter how he could draw such excellent pictures , and yet get such ugly children ? it is ( said he ) because i make the one in the night , and the other in the day . one asked his friend why he being so proper a man would marry a woman of so small a stature ? o friend said he , of all evils the least is to be chosen . a gentleman walking early in the morning , met his friend coming from his mistress whose name was field , sr. said he , how came you in this wet pickle ? in troth sr. i am thus bedewed by coming over yonder field ; nay , said the other , i rather believe it was by lying all night in yonder field . a gentleman that was a great tavern hunter , askt his friend to go with him and drink a glass of wine ; the other refused , saying , his face was red enough already , and drinking wine would make it worse , a pox on that face ( quoth the other ) that makes the whole body fare the worse . another said , that was a very great drinker , when he dyed he would leave fifty pound to be drank in wine in manner and form following , at these taverns , ten pound at the wonder in ludgate-street , for honest men , and no brewers ; ten pound at the castle for military men , ten pound at the miter for clergy men , ten pound at the horne tavern for citizens , and ten pound at the devil tavern for lawyers . one haveing two sons , one legitimate and the other illegitimate ; he made the bastard his heir , the father dying , the two sons falling out , the one twitted the other that he came in at a window by stealth ; true , said he , i did , but it was to keep you out of the house . another bastard told his friend that he was as much beholding to such a man , as to his own father , yes ( said he ) but i believe you are more beholding to your mother to chuse you such a father , then to your father to chuse you such a mother . a gamester borowed five pound of a gentleman , and lost it at play ; thereupon he sent to borrow five pound more by this token , that he owed him already five pound ; pray ( said the gentleman ) bid your master send me the token , and i 'le send him the five pound . a gallant standing in a maze , a lady askt him what he was thinking on , he said of no think ; what do you think on ( said she ) when you think on nothing ? faith , sayes he , then i think on you and the inconstancy of your sex. a gentleman having been abroad in the fields , came hungry home and call'd for his dinner , sir , said his man it is early day 〈◊〉 , the clock having but just now struck ten ; pish , sayes he , don't tell me of ten by the clock , when it hath struck twelve by my stomack . some gentlemen in a tavern wanting attendance , one took the pint pot , and threw it down stairs ; presently up came a quart ; then he flung the quart down , and up came a pottle ; is it so , said the gentleman ? then i will have one throw more , and so flung the drawer down stairs , saying , i will see whether thou wilt come up double too . a handsome wench , and very gentile in habit , was brought by a constable before a justice late at night ; the justice finding no matter of fact , onely bare suspition , in favour of her , bid the constable take her home to his house for that night ; that i shall do sir , says he , if your worship will be pleased to comm●t my wife till the morning . a soldier being quartered at a gun , an unhappy shot came in at the port-hole and took off his leg ; as he lay looking about him he saw his leg lye at some distance from him , prithee ginner ( said he ) take it up , and clap it into the gun , and send it among those roguing dutch , that it may kick their arses for the injury they have done its master . the same man had the fortune to loose in the following engagment , not only the other leg , but both his armes , as he was carying down to the chyrurgeon he called to his captain , sir , said he , if you live and i live , pray tell his majesty ; that he hath a faithful subject , who in his service hath lost both his arms and legs , so that he is incapable to serve him further , however he hath left a loyall heart , which shall ever pray for the welfare of his majesty . a tradesman one morning going out about some business , wanted a pin for his band , the indulgent wife hearing that , ran to him very officiously , and joyning her belly close to his , was a great while about his collar , by which means she observed some erection more then ordinary , and thereupon pulls off his band , and takes him by the shoulder , saying , you are in a fit condition to go abroad in , are you not ? come come along with me , and so brought him up stairs into her bed-chamber , where having staid a while , she came down with him , saying , you may now husband go where you please , you need not be ashamed , for you know i have drest you like a civil man. a doctor in a coffee-house talking of many things , happened at last to averr , that all bitter things were naturally hot ; not so mr. doctor , said a stander by ; why so , said the doctor ? why i 'le appeal to all that the learned phisicall authors , ancient and modern , from noahs time to this present , who all say the quallity of bitter things is hot ; how will it hold with this then mr. doctor said the other ? and i must appeal to experience , that in a hard frost we say it is bitter sharp weather , from whence i gather all bitter things are not hot . the same man a little time after , in a coffee-house hearing a mercer bounce , that he had all sorts of stuff what ever in his shop ; nay that i don't believe said this gentleman ; for in your whole shop and ware-house , i don't think you can show me a pattern of kitching stuff . sirrah , said a gentleman , if thou drawest me good wine for my mony , then thou art fitter to draw then to hang , but if thou drawest me bad wine for my good mony , then thou art fitter to hang then draw . a person one sa●both day , and that very lately , went to the queens chappel more out of curiosity then devotion , who having tired himself with the observation of romish ceremonies , he went out of the chappel , and seeing bills affixed to the pillars , drew near , and as he was reading to himself , a matron like woman in very good apparel came to him , and askt him what he read , mistress said he , this bill signifies that a person being sick , desires to be pray'd for by such as come hither , what is it i pray , said this old gentlewoman , [ pretending deafness , and gathering up closer to him ] it is , said he , as aforesaid , speaking lowder . the third time she askt him the same question , saying , sir , excuse me , i am very deaf , pray speak a little lowder , which he did to satisfie her , by this time she pickt his pocket , and having so done , she dropt him a low curtsy , saying , i hear you now sir , i give you many thanks , for you have given me good satisfaction , and so went her way out to his great dissatisfaction , when he came home , he could not find one cross in his pocket . at that time when there was an act that canary should be sold for eighteen pence a quart , a gentleman in a tavern called for a pint of that wine , the drawer brought up the pint not full by one fourth ; what mean you by this said the gentlenman ? why , is it not full said the drawer ? no said the other not by one fourth , sir , it was full i can assure you when i was in the collar ( quoth the drawer ) but to tell you the truth , as i came running up ●stumb●dion an act of parliament , and so spilt what you see is wanting . one being desired to eat some oysters , refused for these reasons , first they were ungodly meat , because they were ea●en without saying grace ; unchristian meat , because they were eaten a live ; uncharitable meat , because they left no off●ll to the poor ; and unprofitable meat , because most commonly there was more spent upon them then they cost , and by their means more spent otherwise , then they and the reckoning amounted too . a young gentleman wanting a sum of mony , went to a scrivener , desiring him to lend him an hundred pound privately , that it might not come to his fathers ear ; the scrivener promised all the secrecy imaginable ; the gentleman receiving the money , and going to seal the bond , read the first line , which was , know all men by these presents , that j. f. gent. do owe unto , &c. said the young gentleman , are not you a damned rogue ; who for the future will believe you , since you promised none should know my debt ? and yet you say , know all men by these presents , &c. a carter chanced to overturn his cart far from any assistance , so that the poor fellow was forced to stand by , till he could find somebody coming that way , that might help him , at length a parson came , and thinking to put a joke on the poor carter , said , how now carter , what , i see thou hast killed the devil ; yes in faith master , quoth he , and i have waited two hours for a parson to bury him ; and now you are come very seasonably . a lancashire man passing by the watch at ludgate , they stopt him ; but he would not be stopt , for he was in hast : they still detaining him , he askt them what they were ? the watch , said they ; the watch , quoth he , what watch you for ? the king , said they ( meaning the kings watch ) for the king , quoth he , then by my troth i can bring very good witness that i am no such a man ; for i'es een billy noddy's son of lancashire . a porter coming home one night , complained of the many burdens he carried that day , the woman ( though but plain , yet very handsome ) replyed , well husband , and i bear my share of burdens too , though not so heavy ; le ts be content , for as we share in the profit , so we will reap the pleasure on 't . a gentleman being newly trimmed , the barbor left only some hairs on his upper lip ; visiting a gentlewoman she innoently said , sir , you have a beard above , and none below ; and you says he madam , have a beard below and none above , say you so says she , then put one against t'other . a young bucksome baggage with a candle in her hand , was set upon by a hot spurr , who by all means must have about with her , but she vowed if he medled with her , she would burn him ; will you so ( sayes he ) i 'le try that , and thereupon blew out the candle , thinking himself safe from the threat , however not long after he found she was as good as her word . a travellor in a cold frosty night , coming to his inn , he stood so near the kitchen fire , that he burnt his boots ; which the turn-spit boy seeing ; said , sir , you will burn your spurs presently ; my boots thou meanest boy ; no sir , said he , they are burned already . one said , i hear your wife is quick already , yes says he , a pox on her she is very nimble , for i have been married to her but a month , and she is ready to lye down : well , since it is so , i will go and instead of buying one cradle , i will buy half a score , for i can't have less then ten children in a twelve month , if she holds on as she begins . a shoomaker thought to mock a cobler being black , saying , what news from hell ? how fares the devil ? faith , says the cobler , he was just riding forth as i came thence , and pulling on his boots , he complained grievously that he was in the shoomakers stocks , and desired me to send him a shoomaker to widen his boots , and draw them on for him . an arch country fellow haveing been at london , upon his return was askt by his shee neighbour , what news he heard there , news ( quoth he ) all the news that i heard was , that there was a great press out for cuckolds ; is there so ( said she ) then to aviod the worst my hu●band shall not stir out of doors , till the press be over . a light house-wife married one whose name was not , whom she cuckold and buried , at her death these verses were made on her , not a maid , not a wife , not a widow , not a wh●re , she was not these , and yet she was all four . one saying that a married woman had no power to make a will , in troth said another it would be better for men , if they had the priviledge to make a will when they die , then for them to usurp a prerogative of having their wills all the days of their life . a gentleman pretending to have a a great desire to marry , askt advice of a friend concerning so weighty a matter ; a mad hec. of the town hearing thereof , sent him these lines , i know not whether designedly to divert him from marriage , or to show his own ( a la mode ) aversion to it . out of ●t●rk love , and errant devotion , of marriage . i 'le give you this galloping notion . 't is bane of all business , the end of all pleasure , consumption of youth , wit , virtue , and treasure . 't is the rack of our thoughts , night mare of our sleeps , that calls us to work before the day peeps ; commands to make brick without stubte or straw , for a c — hath no sense , nor conscience , or law , if you must be for flesh , take the way that is noble , in a generous wench there is nothing of trouble . you come on , you go off , say , do what you please , and the worst you can fear is but a disease , and diseases you know may hope for a cure , but the pain of being married who can it endure . a married man of good note got a wench with child , and was told by the justice that he thought a man of his repute would not have offered to defile his marriage bed ; you mistake sir , said he , there was no defiling of the bed in the matter , for it was done in the field . being accused afterwards by his wife for going into his maids bed ; you mistake sweet-hart , said he , t is no such matter , for she likes the sport so well , that she saves me that labour . a gentleman faln to decay shifted where he could , amongst the rest , he visited an old acquaintance , and stayed with him seven or eight days , in which time the man began to be weary of his guest , and to be rid of him feighned a falling out with his wife , by which means there fare was very slender : the gentleman perceiving there drift , but not knowing whether to go to better himself , told them he had been there seven days , and had not seen any falling out betwixt them before ; and he was resolved to stay fourteen days longer but he would see them friends again . a gentleman going home late , met with the watch , who bade him come before the constable , approaching near ; which is the constable , said he ; i am the constable said mr. not ; the gentleman knowing him by name , ( though little otherways ) said , you are not the constable sir , but i am said the other ; i say you are not the constable ; because said the other you say i am not the constable , you shall find i have power to commit you to the counter , as he was going the gentleman turned back , and said , pray mr. not , and not the constable , let me go home to my lodging ; mr. not was so well pleased with the quibble , that he sent him home with a couple of watchmen . one having let a farme by word of mouth to a tennant that much abused the same , it so nettled him , that he vowed he would never after that let any thing again without a writing ; his wife over-hearing the vow , good husband ( quoth she ) recall your words , or else you must have a writing for every fart you let . a physitian was wont to say when he met any friend , i am glad to see you well , in troth sir , said one , i think you but dissemble , for the world always goes ill with you , when it goes well with your friends . a discreet staid gentleman being accidentally in a crowd , got a broken pate , one seeing it , said , see what a suddain change there is in yonder gentleman , it was not long since he was lookt upon staid , sober , and discreet , and now he hath gotten a running head . one said that the king of spain was the greatest potentate of the whole universe , for he sack● more cities and countrys , then all other princes besides . we from spains monarch , as all merchants know , have our canary , and stout maligo . thus doth he sack each city , town , and village , for which the vintners do our purses pillage . a lawyer being sick made his will , and gave away his estate to lunatick , frantick , and mad-people , being askt why he did so , he answered , that from such he received it , and to such he would give it again . a farmer growing very rich , was knighted , hereupon his wife made her self as fine as a lady ; which one observing , said , that the farmers worship was much to blame in spoiling a good-wife , to make a mad-dam . a knight having three sons , and not so great an estate as to settle any thing on his younger son , told him that necessity forced him to bind him apprentice , and bid him choose his trade ; the lad being ingenious told his father he would be a tanner ; why that nasty trade says he ? o sir replied the son , considering the slenderness of your estate it is most suitable to my condition , for three hides will set me up : what hides are those says the father ? sir ( says he ) yours and my two elder brothers . a pretender to poetry , was rehearsing some verses to one , which he said he made betwixt high-gate and london , as he was riding on a lame jade , truly said the other you needed not to have told me that , for i know by your hobling verses what disease your horse was troubled with . a gentleman one night very late , or early in the morning , and half ●udled , yet had wit enough , was called before the constable , who askt him where he was going , he replyed he could not tell ; then said the constable you shall go to the counter ; look you there said the gentleman , did i not tell you , i could not tell whither i was going , for did i know , whether you would let me go home , or send me to prison , for which conceit he was released . one said that no men had greater confidence in their country then thieves , because they durst put themselves upon it although they were hanged for their pains . an apprentice being a servant to a young married couple , observed every day after dinner , that his master and mistris went up into their bed-chamber ; being an arch rogue , he imagined what to do . a gentleman coming one afternoon , askt where his master and his mistris were ; i think ( said the boy ) my mistris is abroad , but i suppose my master is at home . a quaker coming to court to speake with the king about the lord knows what , past through the presence , and privy-chambers with his hat on , which some would have taken off , but the king bid them let him alone , whilst he was telling a long rible rable story , the king took an occasion to take off his own hat ; hereupon the quaker stopt , and said , o king thou maist be covered , if thou wilt . well ( says the king ) if i give you your liberty , i hope you will allow me mine . one seeing a lawyer riding on a dun-horse , look yonder ( says he ) is the devill upon dun. some gentlemen travelling , and coming near a town , saw an old woman spinning near a duckin-stool ; one to make the company merry , askt the good woman , what that chair was made for ? said she , you know what it is ; indeed , says he , i know not , unless it be the chair you use to spin in sometimes ; no no , said she , you know it to be otherwise : have you not heard that it is the cradle your good mother hath often lay● in . one was perswaded to adventure somthing at the lottery ; not i , said he , for none has luck at it but rank cuckolds : his wife standing by , perswaded him by all means for to venture ; for said she , i am certain then you will have very good luck . two gentlemen had all their life time been implacable enemies ; one of whom lying on his death-bed , thought of a way to be eternally revenged on the other ; whereupon he sent for him , and told him that he would make him his excecutor ; why me ( says he , ) since you ever hated me to death ? so i do still says t'other : but my reason is , because i think most excecutors go to hell , and i hope that thou wilt not be one of those that shall escape . a quaker having taken a room in an inne , a hector coming after , would needs have the room from him , swearing , damming , and sinking after a most damnable rate : but the other told him mildly it was his room , and by yea , and nay he should not come there ; the other thereupon struck him , which so provoked the old man in this stout quaker , that he repayed his blows with usury ; and at last kickt him down stairs : with that the master of the house sent up to know what was the matter ; nothing ( said one ) but that yea and nay hath kickt god damme down stairs . a citizen coming into ludgate , saw an old acquaintance of his there confin'd : lord , tom , says he , how cam'st thou hither ? he replyed , a blind man might have come thither as well as he , for he was led thither betwixt two , who would not suffer him to goe any other way . a lady found fault with a gentleman dancing ; saying , that he stradled too much : madam ( said he ) if you had that betwixt your legs that i have betwixt mine , you would straddle much wider . some blades being merry together ; one said that all the women in such a town were accounted whores ; a mad fellow hereupon swore he believ'd so , for his mother , and his three sisters were born there . a fellow going in the dark , held out his arms to defend his face ; coming against the door which stood outright , he run his nose against the edge thereof ; whereupon he cryed out , hey day , what a pox is the matter , my nose was short enough just now , and is it in so short a time grown longer then my arms. one said nothing was more valiant then the collar of a taylors shirt , being askt the reason , because ( said he ) every morning it hath a thief by the neck . one seeing a drawer drunk , said , that the wine was even with him ; for he had pierced the wines hogs-head , and the wine had pierced his . two jesuits sitting in a coffee house , told a great many forreign storys , which a gentleman , and a great traveller fitting by , knew to be notorous lyes , but contradicted them not ; but told one of his own making , which was , that now is to be seen at s. albans , a stone trough , which that saint kept a long time to preserve water for his necessary use , and that ever since , if swine should eat any thing out of it , they would dye instantly ; the jesuits hearing this , resolved the next day to ride and see this holy relict : coming to st. albans , they found no such matter ; and returning home , taxt the gentleman with telling such an untruth , saying , they had taken pains to ride and see it , but found no such thing : gentlemen ( said he ) i thought you had been more civill ; you told me the other night a hundred palpable lyes , and i went not about to disprove you , and i told you but one , and you by your own confession , have rid twenty miles to do it . a landlord askt his tenant how many children she had ; three said she ; two of them , will and tom. are pretty boys , but diggory is a great loggerheaded lout , and in troth landlord , methinks , he looketh as like you , as if he was spit out of your mouth . some thieves met with a man , and robb'd him of all he had , then bound him and layd him in a wood : a little after they met another , and served him in like manner , and laid him not far from the other ; the first cryed out , i 'me undone i 'me undone ; the other hearing him say so , desired him to come and undoe him too , since he was undone himself . says one , dogs concurr , steeples conspire , wheels converse , lawyers contend , foxes consent , miners condiscend , women conceive , apple-mongers consider , milstones contrive , rope-makers concord , scriveners condition , faggoters combine , jaylors confine , sick-men consume , drumms convene , commanders conduct , great men controul , mourners condole , clouds condense , scholars convince , counsellors conceal , country fellows conjobble , judges condemn , friars confess , victors conquer , traitors conjoin , friends confer , polititians consult , cutlers connive , proud men contemn , landlords confirm , and their tenants confarm ; bells convoke ; and thus for brevity i conclude . a young gentlewoman desired an excellent painter to draw her exactly as she was , a maid , and of the same stature , which he did according to her desire , excepting ( as she said ) that he had drawn her less then she was ; oh madam , said he , posterity would never believe my draught had i made you any taller , or so big , for 't is very rare in this age , to find a maid so big , and so tall . amongst some women that were chatting of their husbands : truly ( said one ) my husband is the liquorishest man in the world , for i had a small pot of honey sent me out of hampshire by a dear friend of mine , and i can no sooner turn my breech , but his nose will be in it . one friend complained to another of the loss of a wife by death , which was an honest woman , nay had she been honest ( said the other ) she would never have left thee . a lady of great quality had a female dwarf to attend on her , the excellency of whose features , and acuteness of wit , so engaged her ladies affection to her , that nothing could plead an equality or esteem within her breast , and fearing that death would too soon deprive her of this pretty little animal , one day she proposed to her a marriage , that thereby she might by the smalness of the issue , have her remembrance continued ; but all the ladies trouble consisted in this , that she knew not where to get an husband so little that would sit her ; madam , [ said she ] take you no ca●e for that , i have lately been in your ladiships cellar , and there i found casks of several sizes , viz. the great bellied hogs-head , the slender , yet long pipe , the little kilterkin , and the lesser ferkin , and yet observing their bungholes , i found them all much about an equal wideness . two persons coming from ireland , and landing at holy-head , the one of which was a doctor of hysick , very much crumpt-back , the other though a knight , yet his original was but a post-boy , riding on the road , the doctor being a very facetious man , observing this knight to ride a little too hard for him , called to him , saying , sir , not so fast i pray , you forget your self , for you are not riding post at this time ; the knight hereupon turning back , looking earnestly on him , replyed , what ever i have done , i am sure you have forgotten your self , for [ pointing to his back ] you might have delivered your portmantue to your man , and not carried the burthen your self . a country gentleman coming to london , and having never seen guild-hall before , was walking in it , strangely admiring that lofty , stately structure , adorned with the lively representations of these incomparable persons ; at jength he accosts one , whom he saw walking with less wonder , and askt him , what the name of the place was , and to what end it was erected , sir [ said he ] this edifice is vulgarly called yeeld-hall , where are kept three courts , the one at this end is a court where law is practised , but no conscience ; within there is a court where conscience is sometimes exercised , but no law ; and at the other end , in yonder nook , there is a court wherein is practised neither law nor conscience . a gentleman having drank claret exceeding hard at lambeth , and crossing the water , nodding as he slept , he chanced to tip over into the thames , his friends at the sight hereof were much concern'd , and bustled to get him up , one seeing the bustle that they made , said , let him alone , let him alone , there is no fear of his drowning , for he is too full of wine to admit any water . one demanding of another so much mony as was due to him , told him thus very angerly , sir , i protect i wont be thus baffled by you any longer , for if you wont pay me my money , and that presently , take it as you please , i 'le tare your bond before your face . there was a person lately , whom necessity prompt to address himself to one of the chief undertakers of the kings theatre ; a play was produced , and a great part thereof offer'd to this young man to read , who represented the humour so well , in a voice so tunable , and with words so well accented , that this ingenious gentleman was very well pleas'd with him , but viewing his face , which was much pock broken , squint-eyed , with features altogether discordant to the stage , said , i like thy voice , action , and body well , but what shall we do with that face of thine ? hearing another speak ill after long instruction , he swore he need not fear damnation , for he was confident he had no soul. a chyrurgion going in the street with more speed then ordinary , to visit a rich patient who had a dangerous swore leg , was met by a friend , who askt him where he was going in that great hast , t'other made answer , to get a brave gelding out of a gentlemans leg that was his patient . a soldier , who had lost one eye in the wars , married a young wench , whom he thought to find a maid , but found out on the nuptial night to be otherwise , being very angry with her , he askt her why she had so served him , to which she replyed , would you have me intire to you , when you are defective to me ; pray how come you to loose that eye , by my foes quoth he , then here lies the difference , [ said she ] i lost my maiden-head by a friend . of love . post visum risum , post risum venit in usum , post risum tactum post tacium venit in actum , post actum factum , post factum penitet actum , englished thus. we see , we laugh , and then to feeling come , then action clubs unto loves martyrdome . and when with blood-shed we the fort have wone , with hanging head we wish't had ne're been done . a stranger passing through the temple early , had a pispot discharged on his head ; in his amazement , one past by ; pray sir , said he , what place do you call this ? the temple said the other , and what is done here ? the other replyed , that young gentlemen studdy the law , i believe rather quoth he , they study physick , by their casting so much water ; and if i mistake not , they are a company of mad fellows too , for just now my head can testifie they threw their stools out of the windows . an old knight requested a favour of the king , but was denyed : thinking that the meanness of his habit , and bushiness of his beard was the cause of his ill success ; he went home , and having shaved all off , and drest himself a-la-mode with a flaxen perriwigg , re-addresed himself to his majesty concerning the same business ; his majesty perceiving the deceit , said to him , i would be glad to gratify your desire , but it is not long since i denyed it to your father , and it were unjust to grant the son what i denyed him . a fool to a nobleman having taken some distast , resolved on a revenge which had like to have cost him his life ; for he hid himself so long till he was almost starved : great search was made after him , but none could find him ; at length this expedient was thought on for his discovery ; there lived a fool not far , who usally came to visit this brother of his ; who coming according to custom , they told him his brother was lost ; lost quoth he , i 'le warrant you i 'le find him ; and thereupon went up and down every where , crying , i see yee , at length coming to a pise of faggots where this fool had hid himself , he cryed again , i see yee ; the other hearing him , started up and cryed , no but you don 't . a bakers boy going through a crowd of people with a peck loaf on his head , chanced to hit the face of a gentleman with the corner of the loaf : why , how now said the gentleman , can't you see you rude , unmannerly rascall ? you are mistaken ( said the boy ) don 't you see i am as well bread as your self . a very witty gentleman had the misfortune to loose his nose , i know not by what means ; and passing through fish-street , a fishmongers boy , and a very wagg , purposely threw some water on him , pretending to wash his fish ; hereupon the gentleman grew angry , and going into the shop , complains to the master of this affront ; the master askt his servant the reason why he did so , sir , said he , the gentleman blew his nose on the fish , and i only endeavoured to wash it off ; judge you master ( said the gentleman ) whether i can blow my nose , having lost the handle of my face . a meer scholar , and an idle fellow came to this gentleman to know whether he was qualified to be a player ; upon tryall he found him only a dull lump of flesh stuft with a parcel of learned words , without the ingredients of common sence and reason ; well young man ( said he ) all that i can say to thee is , that thou hast so much learning whipt into thee , that thou wilt be good for nothing till it is whipt out of thee again . one who all his life time was a great droll , and full of jokes , on his death-bed , was visited by an intimate friend , and a phys●n , who for some reasons , best known to himself , put his hand into the bed to feel the patients feet , the other perceiving his intent drew them up to him ; said the doctor , sir , where are your feet ? the patient replyed , mr. doctor , the proverb saith , after forty , either a fool , or a physician , and i think you are both , i pray where should my feet be but at the end of my legs ? a country bumpkin staring often in the sky in the night time , made this notable observation ; that there were not to be seen so many stars in the west as in the east ; this so troubled him , that he was resolved to find out the reason ; in order thereunto he frequently at night went into the fields , at last looking wistly to the west , he saw an exhalation fall ; by and by another ; then four or five together ; nay , then ( said he ) i shall cease to wonder that there be fewer stars in the west , then in the east , since so many fall every night . a gentleman in the late rebellious times , as he was walking in his chamber merrily amongst his friends , there came a musquet bullet through the window , and glancing against a marble chimny-piece , hit him on the head without any detriment , and fell at his feet , whereupon stooping , and turning the flatted bullet , he said , gentlemen , those formerly , who had a mind to flatter , were wont to say , that i had a good head-piece in my younger days : but if i do not flatter my self , i think i have a good head-piece now in my old age , for you see it is musket proof . one seeing a bare legged fellow running ; said , do you hear friend ? when those stockings are worn out i will give you a new pair ; you may save your self the charge sir , said he , for they have lasted me this thirty years without repair , and i question not but they will last me as much longer ; i have a pair of breeches likewise of the same stuff , and every whit as old , and yet you may see sir , there is but one small hole in them . another bumpkin coming to london , and staring about him , was at last pickt up by a spirit or kid-napper , and conveyed aboard a virginia man ; being out at see , he observed one of the mariners taking the height of a star with his jacobs-staff ; hereupon he stole privately behind him , looking over his shoulder , thinking he was shooting ; fixing his eye upon the staff , he observed the end of it pointed directly against a star , and presently thereupon a meteor fell ; gramercy man , faith ( quoth the country fellow ) i see thou art abrave marks-man , for i saw it fall , but i wonder what a devil thou did●t put in thy gun , that i could not hear when it went off . two passing through petty-coat lane , where at every door is fixt a large pair of horns ( the badge of their occupation ) says one , i wish every cuckold in london had such an one visible on his forehead , on condition i gave ten pounds for one my self ; i wonder ( said the other ) you are so profuse , to give so much for that you are already so plentifully stored with . one seeing the rump in council ; o strange , said he , what fine brave men are these ! i could willingly work for such as long as i lived : what trade are you said another ? why truly ( replyed he ) i am a rope-maker . a gentleman , none of the wisest , seeing a house very stately built , told the porter it was framed a-la-mode italian , and asked whether it was made in england , the porter observing his folly , said , no sir , it was made in florence , and brought hither by two turky merchants . a lord travelling in his coach , his horses tiring , he was constrain'd to take an inn , where being impatient of staying , his fool said , my lord , let us go before in the coach , and let the horses follow after . an old man being reproved for swearing , well says he , i am resolved against it ; and since i never swear but in my choler , i am resolved for the future alwayes to wear a doublet without one . a couragious captain just as he was about to ingage , was told by some , who had rather eat then fight , that the enemy was five times their number ; are they so said he , no whit dismayed ? i am very glad , for then there are enough to be killed , enough to be taken prisoners , and enough to run away . a boy untrussing a point by an hedge side , his foot slipping , fell down , and beshit his breeches , sirrah ( said a merry gentleman riding by ) are you not ashamed to make a fool of your breeches ; alas sir , ( said the boy ) you make a worse of your doublet to button up such a one in it . some comforting a fool lying on his death-bed , told him that f●ur proper fellows should carry him to church , i but ( quoth he ) i had rather by half go thither my self . a very knave deridingly askt a vertous gentleman what was honesty , what is that to you ( said he ) meddle with those things which concern you . a conceited pragmatical londonor travelling to goatam , met a poor fellow coming from thence , thinking to shew his wit , said , well met wiseman of goatam ; how far to the place of thy nativity ? i cannot deny ( said the poor fellow ) but that my country is a shame to me , but you proud londone●s are a shame to your country . my self , and another play'd at bowls in a bowling-ally in bunhil fields against two notable gamesters , mr. prick and mr. cunny , and were severely beaten ; my partner seeing the inequality of the match , cryed out , prick and cunny have been long enough together , 't is time to part them ; choosing again , they chanced to be together ; a pox or this prick and cunny ( quoth i ) they can't be kept asunder . a lady lifting her coats a little too high , discovered her legs above the calf ; a gentleman observing them , said , madam , you have a verry handsome pair of twins ; you are mistaken sir , ( said she ) for i have had own between them . a fat big bellyed gentleman , whose panch hung over the pummel of his saddle , riding through a lewd town , some cryed to him he was mistaken in carrying his port mantle before him ; to which he replyed , where should i place it safer , when i come amongst thieves , whores and rogues . one in a frosty morning going a shooting , desired the loan of some money from his friend , you have no need of money ( said the other merrily ) for if in any place you have anything to pay , you may leave your gun to discharge the shot . a merry facetious doctor being sent for to visit a gentleman that was dangerously ill , and almost blind to boot , sir , said his friend , how do you find him ? pish ( quoth the doctor ) he , nor you need not doubt of his recovery , he is already well enough if he could-see it . one askt another how he could take a kick of the arse so patiently , prithee ( said he ) because an ass kickt me , must i kick the ass again . a simple bumpkin yet wealthy enough , coming to london , was very much taken at the sight of a sedan , and bargained with the bearers to carry him to such a place . the sedan-men observing the curiosity of the clown , not sutable to the meanness of his habit , unhasped privately the bottom of the sedan , and then put him in , taking the sedan up , the country man stood on the ground with his legs , and as the bearers advanced , so did he ; and to make the better sport , if any place was dirtier in the way , then the rest , that they chose to go through . this man not knowing but others us'd to be so carried , or rather driven , coming to his lodging gave them their due hire , returning into the country , he related what rare things he had seen in london , and withal , that he had been carried in a sedan . a sedan quoth one ! what is that ? why it is ( said he ) like our watch-house , onely it is covered with leather , and were it not for the name of a sedan , one had as good go on foot . a gentleman swallowing unawares a spoonful of boiling hot custard ; let a rowsing fart ; to hide his shame with a jest , said he , i commend thee above the rest of thy fellows thou hast left behind for flying danger , for hadst thou staid , i had certainly skalded thee to death . a tall minister told a short one scoffingly , that he looked in a pulpit , like a short collar of brawn in a d●ep dish ; and you ( replyed the other ) look like a long pestle in a shallow mortar . one gentleman observing another take tobacco excessively , called him a foul tobacco pipe ; the other readily told him he was a dinted quart pot ; the strangeness of the metaphor striking in his mind , made him urgent to know the reason , because ( said he ) you seem to have more in you then you have . if i were unmarried said one , i should quickly marry again ; marry then ( quoth the other ) you would still be in the same lock . a barber ( not the wisest of his profession ) having trimed a doctor at night , had a candle put in his hand at the stair head to light him down ; haveing so done , he brought it up again , and returning thanks , went a way in the dark . a tallow chandler dying , one said , it was strange that he who made so many weeks , could make his days no longer . a west country lad , better fed then taught , was sent by his father with a groat to loo , a small town in cornwell , to buy a hake ; upon his return , his father met him with the fish : how now jack , what did the hake-vish cost thee ? guess vather ; why a groat zon ; a groat quoth he : i hil tell thee vather , take the grey mare and zaddle'un and ride to loo , and buy zuch a hake-vish for a groat , i hill give the leave to kiss my arse . i see you do all under colour ( said the glazier to the painter seeing him at work ) go your ways for a rogue , replyed he , you are alwayes picking quarrels . the same lump of ill manners sitting by the fire side , was very eager with his father to gape or yawn ; which he refused ; whereupon the indulgent and discreet mother , cryed , prythee yawnee , since the child will have thee yawnee , why then chill yawnee quoth he ; the son seeing that , cryed out , mother , mother , look yonder ; is not that a vine oven to bake a ●urd in ? a farmer having placed his son in the temple to study the law , came up to london to see how he did ; coming to his chamber , he found in the key-hole of the door , a note with these words , i am gone to the devil , the poor man strangly startled , cryed out , ah my dear child , have i brought thee up so tenderly , took so much pains for thee , and at last should be so unhappy , as to cause thee to study that , which sent thee to the devil so speedily . one that had too great and good an opinion of himself , ●t his friend what others thought of him ; why [ replyed he ] you appear to the wise , foolish , to fools , wise , what do you think of your self ? one told a gentlewoman , whorish and barren , that she was very fruitfull ; how can that be sir , [ said she ] since i never had any children ? that 's nothing , madam , [ said he ] nevertheless you bear many . a gentleman being a great distance from his own house , and having very urgent reasons for his speedy return , rid post , having supt , and being in bed with his wife , he said , dearest , excuse me to night that i pay not that tribute due to our loves ; for i am so weary that i am uncapable of doing any thing but sleep : these words were none of the most pleasant you may think to a young sanguine gentlewoman , after a long absence of a lusty , husband . not long after , walking in his back-yard with his wife in his hand , he chanced to see a cock [ he took great delight in ] siting in the sun asleep , rejecting the society of his fruitful wives : prythee sweet heart [ said he ] what ails my cock , that he thus hangs the head , and follows not the hens ? indeed i do not know husband [ said she ] unless he hath lately ridden post . an ignorant country fellow , having as he thought , bestowed some learning on his son , would needs place him at the university and to see it done , goes with him ; as they were sitting in the kitchin , the youth espyed a long kettle amongst the rest , pray father [ says he ] what is that kettle for ? introth son [ said he ] i never saw such a one in all my life before ; but i suppose it is that when they would have two several broths , they put the fish in one end , and the flesh in the other : the boy hearing this , makes answer , o the devil lye you father . it being left to the choice of a gentlewoman , which she would have of two suiters , a tall man , or a short one , which were both liked of her parents ; pawsing a while , i would have [ said she ] that lusty long man , if all things are proportionable . one said , a covetous man was never satisfied ; why so [ said his friend ] because [ replyed he ] he thinks nothing enough . why then [ said the other ] he is satisfied with the least , if nothing be enough for him . a notable merry soldier finding a louse one day on his sleeve , walking to and fro for the benefit of the fresh air , took him between his fingers , and said , sirrah , take notice , if i ever catch you out of your quarters again , you shall die , and so put him into his coller . a captain in the last expedition against the hollander , having lost an eye by a splinter , the other ever after was distempered , and continually water'd ; a merry friend of his askt him one day why that eye which was left , wept so much ? alas [ said he ] how should it do otherwise , having lately lost his only brother and constant companion . two men walking through a church-yard , one of them affirmed , that hell was nothing else but a grave , for shoal in the hebrew , signifies the grave , though it is translated hell ; the other having lately buried there a shrewd curst wife , pointing to her grave , said , then one of the greatest devils in hell lies there . one was jesting with his maid-servant , who was passably handsom , but very lean ; saying , i wonder jane thou art no fatter , thou dost eat thy meat heartily , but dost not thrive upon it ; thy mistress eats not the forth part of what thou dost , and yet you see how plump she looks ; to which she replyed i only eat at set meals , but my mistress hath her strong broths before dinner , and her warm jellies after dinner , and puts more into her belly then you or i ever saw , or heard of . a rich citizen had a profuse extravagant to his son , who so angered his father , that he vowed he would give all he had to the poor ; in a little time this son , with dice and box , whores and pox , had spent all ; whereupon he told his father , that he might now give all his estate to him , and not violate his vow , for he could not give it to one poorer then himself . a little boy sitting with his grandmother , by the fire side in the winter time , as she lifted up her coats to warm her thighs ; he espyed somthing between her legs , and would fain know what it was ; it is [ said she ] a rabbet-skin , that your mother brought me from market ; what , and have you burnt a hole in 't cranny ? [ says he ? ] an ignorant old fellow hopping from his stall into the pulpit , instead of saying , the priest offered up a pair of doves for apeace offering , read he offered up a pair of gloves with a piece of fringe . at another time he took his text [ being much in dept , ] have patience with me , and i will pay you all ; having largely and learnedly treated of the vertue of patience , especially in forbearing our deptors here ; but of the rest [ said he ] when god shall enable me . the reader being sick , he was forced to officiate in his place , and resolving to give some of the grandees a rub , who had offended him , he turned to that psalm wherein are these words , man without understanding is like the beast that perisheth , instead thereof , reads man without understanding , is like the best of the parish . a gentleman reprehended a lawyer for tarrying so long in the country from his wife , who had a fame so tempting , saying , that in his absence she might want due benevolence . that 's nothing said the lawyer , i will give her use at my return for her forbearance : besides sir , put the case that any one owed you fifty pounds , whether would you have it altogether , or shilling by shilling ? it is true [ said the other ] one would rather have ones money altogether ; yet it would vex you , if in your absence your wife should want a shilling , and she be forced to borrow it . a gentleman that was bald pated took great delight in hunting ; one day he came hastily into his friends chamber , [ being serious at his study ] and askt him if he would go and find a hare : pish [ said the other ] let me alone , let them go and find hairs that have lost them . in the kingdom of ireland a nobleman having an irish man to his footman , sent him four or five miles on a message , charging him to return by suh an hour , the footman went in all haste ; but in his return his brogue wanted mending , which caused him not to return according to the time ; his master being angry , demanded the reason of his tarrying ; by my soul [ quoth he ] i did stay but while i had a heel-piece set upon my toe . a country woman sent her daughter to a lady with a present of ripe meddlers , well-bred said that her mother had sent her worship some ripe meddlars , that were as soft as bran , but if she did not eat them quickly , they would not be worth one fart , for they were already as rotten as a turd , the lady being offended at this wenches rude behavior , resolved to tell her mother , meeting her one day after , and having thankt her for her present ; she advised to teach her daughter more manners ; ah ( replyed she , ) let me do what i will , i cannot mend her ; and notwithstanding i have taught her from time to time , how she should behave her self , yet she hath no more manners then there is in mine a●se . a country parson having bitterly inveyed against the vices of his parishioners in his sermon ; a silly woman that was present , went to his mother that lived hard by to complain of him , saying , that her son had threatned them all with hell and damnation , if they did not speedily amend ; for my part i have lived above threescore years , and was never told so much before , neither will i be taught now by one , and i am old enough to be his grandmother . o said his mother he was a lyer from his cradle , i never whipt him but for telling an untruth , and you are mad if you believe him now . an ignorant prating host had bargained with a humerous painter for the sign of st. george and the dragon , whilst he was at work , his host being importunate with the painter to draw st. george with a dreadful killing countenance , repeating this request over and over again , which so madded the painter , that leaving his work said , mine host , either be silent , and leave your babling , or the devil take my wife , if i do not make the dragon kill st. george . a welsh-man riding with a charge of mony behind him , was set upon by a thief , who bade him deliver immediately ; or [ drawing a pistol ] said , he would make it bounce through him ; says her so , said the welshman , why then her had better give her money , that is her masters , and spare her life , that is her own , and there upon delivered . now pray sir , said the welshman , since her hath her money , let her hear one pounce for it ; for her never heard the pounce of a cun. the good natured thief , to satisfy the curiosity of the welshman , [ whom he lookt on as a very silly fellow ] discharged his pistol , which ecchoed in many places , cuds splutter nails [ said the welshman ] it was a gallant pounce , and there was many little pounces too ; good her vrship let her have one pounce more for her money , and her will be satisfied : so the thief discharged the other ; at which the welshman seem'd better pleased then before , and askt if he had no more pounces ; no said the thief , i have no more . no [ said the welshman ] then her has one pounce in store , which her will make pounce through her immediately if her deliver not her money back presently , and so forced the thief to redeliver . an arch roguish fellow one day got together a parcel of rams-horns , and putting them in a basket , went up and down london streets in the month of march , crying , six pence a pound fair cherrys , six pence a pound fair cherrys ; many called to him ; amongst the rest , a hosier in cheap-side , who seeing what ware he had in his basket , laught at him , saying , thou fool , who dost think will buy thy horns ? oh sir ( said he ) though you are provided , yet i may meet with some that are not . a drunken young heir , who had sold all his lands to maintain his lusts , when by a surfeit he fell into a dangerous distemper , sent for a phisician , who understanding his disease , caused him to be let blood ; sometime after looking on the blood ; sir ( said he ) your blood is very green : alas replyed the young heir , how can it be otherways , i have drank and eaten all my corn-fields and meadows . one mr. holland got his landladies maid with child whose name was nell cotton ; whereupon one wittily said , that he gave her a yard of holland , she gave him an ell of cotton , and what harm was there in all this . a poor cripple being askt by a gentleman why he married a blind woman , because [ said he ] we shall agree the better , for neither can hit each other in the teeth with one anothers infirmity . a rich farmer dying intestate , his son came up to london to take out letters of administration of his estate ; but being ignorant of the customs and terms belonging to the spiritual courts , he went first to an acquaintance of his , telling him , that his father dyed detestate , leaving onely him , and three or four small infidels , and therefore he was devised to come up to london to a councellour of the law , that he might by him be put in a way how to diminish the estate . a conceited person after he had writ several verses in praise of his mistress , beginning first with her head , and so proceeding upon every member down to her feet , missing no part but her neck ; o [ said one ] there is a great reason for that , he reserves the neck-verse for himself ; knowing ●e shall have occasion for it hereafter . a very simple fellow , walking in the fields alone , came to a ditch , and p●using a while ; now tom [ said the ] what dost think , canst leap over this ditch or no , troth [ said he to himself ] i can't tell , but if thou wilt johnson [ which was his sur-name ] i will lay the five shillings i do ; a match , and presently takeing a good run , with the advantage of the banck , he leaped quite over . ah! boys [ said he ] i have wou , but now johnson , wilt thon lay another , thou canst not leap back again ? faith that 's very difficult ; but hang it i have won a crown , and i will venter it that i do ; then taking a run as before , he leapt just in the middle , up to the waste in mire and water ; and crawling out on the other side , hang it [ says he ] i don't much care , i have neither won nor lost . an ignorant clown , who had the reputation of being a great scholar in the country , because he could wright and read , would not be satisfied till he saw the rarities of london : walking the streets , he read on a sign-post , here are horses to be let 1674. jesu [ quoth he ] if there are so many horses in one inn , how many are there then in all this city ? a gentleman [ who never had the least acquaintance with wounds ] in a tavern skirmish received a small scratch with a sword , who instantly made a hideous noise for a chyrurgeon : f. m. was sent for , who presently perceiving the fright was greater then the hurt , pretended notwithstanding [ for sports sake , ] great danger , and therefore bid his man withall possible speed to run and fetch him such salve , why [ quoth the gentleman ] is the wound so dangerous ? oyes , [ answered this witty chyrugeon ] for if he returns not the sooner , the wound will heal of it self , and so i shall lose my fee. a petulant doctor of physick lay in a house , where there lived a maid ignorant enough , but extreamly handsome , fresh out of the country ; this doctor used all means immaginable to win her to a venereal compliance , but nothing would prevail , neither fair words , nor large presents ; resolving to accomplish his design some way or other , he thought of this stratagem ; looking one day very seriously ( and seemingly sorrowful ) in her countenance , alas poor betty [ said he ] and must i now lose thee ? what do you mean sir , said she ? i will tell thee , replyed the doctor , before it go too far : thou art breeding of eggs : how can that be quoth she , very easily said he , and thereupon so subtilly invaded her belief with i know not what stuff , neatly wrapt up in fine words , that she verily believed i● , and askt him how she must be cured ; said the doctor , come to my chamber after dinner , and i will endeavour to cure thee ; thanking him , she promised she would , and was as good as her word ; the doctor had somthing to do at first , to get her to lie down , saying , that her eggs must be broken , or she could not be cured ; but at length she yielded , and with his natural probe he searcht her grief three or four times ; having so done , he told her , that though he had broken some , yet there were more to break , and therefore bid her come again to morrow ; which she did , and so he did as before ; she now liked the manner of her cure so well , that she came of her own accord , till the doctor growing weary , told her that her eggs were now all broken ; not so mr. doctor , i am sure said she , for there are at least two or three to break still ; well says the doctor , i'●e break them , and it is a cure : having so done , she went a way well satisfied ; a little while after her mistress seeing her puke up and down in every place , askt her what was the matter ; indeed mistress said she i know not , unless i am breeding of more eggs ; what do'st mean , quoth her mistress ? why forsooth ( said she ) a little while a goe i was with egg , and certainly i had dyed , if our good doctor had not cured me , by breaking of them ; hey day , sure the wench is mad , quoth her mistress : no but i am not said the maid , for i am sure on 't for when he broke the eggs , i saw the whites . a country man having never seen a ship , came to the custome-house-key ; where seeing so many wonders , he chanced to ask a dutchman what that was called , pointing to a great ship ; ich queet neet ; and what do you call that , said he pointing to a less : ich queet neet , said he again ( that is , i understand not ) hey day ( said the country fellow ) are there great queet neets , and little queet neets too ? being afterwards informed it was called a ship ; he askt how old it was ? it is two years old said one , how ( said the fellow ) and so bigg already ? lord what a huge masty thing it will be by that time it is as old as i am . a gentleman that lived in ireland was askt by another that had never seen the country , what kind of women there were in ireland , sir , said he , the women are generally straight , clear skinned , and well proportioned , but that their middles are a little to bigg , for want of swathing when young ; i ; said the other , and i have heard that their leggs are monstrously bigg too , pish , said he , we lay them aside . a conceited pragmatical , coming into a mixt company , talked incessantly ; and to show his wit and learning , singled out one whose countenance promised little , yet an excellent scholar , and askt him many frivolous questions , which he answered very slightingly , or replyed to them nor at all , this pragmatico grew to that impertinence as to ask him , whether he had ever learned his grammer ? yes , said he , i have read despauters ; to try you said the other , his second rule is this , esto faeminium recepit qu● faemina tantum . now said he , mater , cujus generis , ( mother , what gender is it ) to which the other replyed , mater si mea sit est faeminini generis , si tua est communis ; mother , if mine is the feminine , if thine the common . one seeing on a coffee sign written , here is coffee and mum to be sold , said it was good ryme ; how can that be said the other ? why thus said he , here is coffee and mum to be sold . a young gentleman being much addicted to play , was sharply rebuked for it by his relations , and that availing little , a minister was sent to him , who told him , that play , or gameing was the worst of vices ; nay , there you are out , said the other , for it is a remedy against all vices ; and particularly against the seven deadly sins ; for how can you call him a covetous man , that can't indure to keep his money in his pocket ? or how can you call him a luxurious , who is content to lose his sleep and victuals , if he had an oportunity to play ? how can you call him cholerick , when he is the patientest man living when not out-hectored ? how can you call him a glutton or drunkard ? when he shall not spair that money from play , that will purchase a good dinner with a bottle of wine ? how can he be said to be slothful and negligent , when his hands and feet are alwayes inaction ? the one beating the hoof through the whole town , to get employment for the other ; lastly , how can he be said to be a proud man , when having lost five pound among gentlemen , he will condescend to play for brass farthings with apprentices . a gentleman possessed with an extraordinary good nature , lent another forty shillings for his good company's sake , never expecting a return , knowing his inability . after the loan of this money , this ingrateshun'd the society of his creditor ; and if he saw him in the streets , straight hastned another way ; which this gentleman took notice of , one time seeing him , he made after him ; and catching him by the arm , said ; why shun you me , was i not your friend , wherein have i disobliged you , that i should not be so still ; if the dept hath made any difference , i forgive it you , and assure your self i will not hazard the loss of my friends in like manner for the time to come . one reading a witty preface before a foolish book , said , he very much admired , they should come to be so matched together , in troth sir [ said another ] they may be very well matched together , for they are nothing of kin . a very honest and prudent gentleman had the ill fortune to marry a wife a grain too light ; one day returning home , he went up the stairs , and found his chamber door open , entring , he caught his wife and the adulterer ( who were so intent upon their sport that they minded nothing else ) in the very act ; the gentleman seemingly unmov'd , said , wife , wife , indeed you don't do well to expose your own and my reputation thus to the hazard of being lost by carelessness : sure in a business , that so nearly concerns us both , you might have shut the door ; i pray consider , what if any one else had come and caught you in this posture ; and so went and left them ; the mildness of this reproof so effectually wrought upon this woman , that she ever after abhorred the thought of enjoying any other man but her husband . mr. field , that was but an under-graduate ; meeting doctor collins , saluted him thus , salve colendissime collins , to which he replyed , salve ager tolende . a captain ( whom i shall forbear to name ) in the last engagment against the duch , had his arm shot off within three inches of his shoulder ; as he was dressing , he fell a laughing ; one standing by , askt him the reason , why ( said he ) i can't but think of a wish that i have often made , viz. that my p — were as long as my arm , and now introth so it is . a frenchman that spoke very broken english , bespoke a dish of fish , being on the table & seeing but little pepper , by the corruption of his pronunciation , he called for more piss instead of spice , the woman took away the dish , and did as she thought he bid her , and brought it in again ; i say , said he , a little more piss , with that she carried it out and her daughter pist upon it , and then brought it in ; but he still cryed a little more piss ; well sir , said she , i will warrant you shal have enough now , and then carried it to her maid , a straping girle , but the frenchman was still unsatisfied , and cryed out for more piss , well sir , let me tell you , i , my daughter , and maid-servant have all pist as much as we can upon it , and if that will not satisfy you , even piss upon it your self . a notable joking man lying sick on his death bed , left out his wife in his will , her friends hearing thereof , came and prest him to leave his wife somewhat more then the custom of the city will allow her ; i will said the sick man , send presently for a scrivener , for i am just upon departing ; the scrivener being come , he said , write , i leave my wife ah , ah , ah ; oh he is dying said his wife apace ; i do ( said the sick ) i say , i leave my wife , alas , alas , alas , come pray sir said the scrivener , what do you leave your wife ; why then , i say , i leave my wife the greatest c in christendom . two comedians acting upon the stage the parts of servingmen ; one askt the other to go drink , whither shall we go said one ; the other replyed ( espying a fellow groping a wench in the gallery ) let us go to the hand in placket ; thereupon the fellow sneakt away his hand ; which the other perceiving , cryed out ; ●ay friend , if you remove the sign , we shall hardly find the house . a person not belonging to the colledge , put in his horse in a field thereunto appertaining ; being warned of so doing , and he taking no notice thereof , the master of that colledge sent his man to him , bidding him say , if he continued his horse there , he would cut off his tail : say you so said this person ? go tell your master , if he cuts off my horses tail , i will cut off his ears ; the servant returning , told his master what he said , whereupon he was sent back to bring the person to him ; who appearing , said the master , how now sir , what mean you by that menace you sent me ? sir ; ( said the other ) i threatned you not , for i only said , if you did cut off my horses tail , i would cut off his ears , not yours sir , but my horses . one having got the drunken hiccock by drinking aqua celestis , rosa solis , aqua angelica , and the like , this it is [ says he ] to be too forward in understanding such latine as these waters are call'd by , that a man must afterwards be put to declin nouns with the articles hic , hoc , when he hath not english enough to bring himself to bed . one seeing a scholar that lookt very much asquint , sure ( said he ) this man must be more learned then his fellows , for with one cast of his eye he can read both sides of the book at once . one that had a very great head like a great thick rin'd orange , but no juice within it , was reprehended for speaking 〈◊〉 well ( said he ) it is not for want of ●gnorance that 〈◊〉 se●k nonsence . a son of a whore , and a son for a whore , was boasting one day in company what a brave fellow he was , calling the rest cuckoldly bastards , i am sure ( said he ) i am no son of a cuckold , for my father was never married . a monkey being tyed on a mastiffs back , the dog run away , which an old woman seeing , cryed out , well rid i protest young gentleman . a young man askt a blind mans counsel how to choose a wife , i 'le tell you [ quoth he ] let me see her counten●nee . a fidler being desired to play a new tune sir , ( said he ) let me stand bebind your back and i will play you a tune never played before . one looking on a picture , said , this must needs be an excellent art , who would not be hanged to be thus drawn forth and quartered . a woman lying sick to death , desired her husbands leave to make her will ; that needs not [ said he , ] you have had your will all your life time , and would you have your will when you are dead too . one was wont to say , that in europe there were neither scholars enough gentlemen enough , nor jews enough ; one time it was answered him , that of all these three there was rather too great a plenty then scarcity ; whereupon he replyed , if there were scholars enough , so many would not be double or trebble beneficed ; if gentlemen enough , so many peasants would not be rekoned among the gentry ; and if jews enough , so many christians would not profess vsury . one askt another what he would give for his sow and pigs ; nothing [ quoth he ] for the sow , and less for the pigs ; if you will take that , bring 'um in . geo. withers having writ a poem , in which he predicted the continuance of a free state , and called it , the perpetual parliament ; a little after the parliament was dissolved , and a gentleman meeting the said mr. withers , told him he was a pitiful prophet , and a pitiful poet , otherwise he had not wrote such pitiful predictions , for a pitiful parliament . hvgh peters meeting col. hewson , merrily said to him , how now son , where 's your blessing ? hewson not well conceiving what he said , askt what he meant , why ( quoth hugh ) i mean to teach you your duty ; know you not who i am , i am hugh , and as i take it , you are hughs son . one being askt when was the best time to take a journy ? the other replyed , when you have a good horse , mony good store in your purse , and good company . a country fellow seeing a man standing in the pillory for forgery , with his fact legibly written before him , with hundreds about him ; the clown askt for what fault that fellow stood there ? one askt him , whether he could read ? not i in faith , i can neither read , nor write , said he ; then you are a dunce said the other , not to read at those years : now since you are so ignorant , i 'le tell you why that fellow stands in the pillory , it is for counterfe●ing mens hands to which the country fellow replyed ; a plague on you for a company of proud knaves ; you had need to brag so much of your learning , you may see what your writing and your reading brings you to . one askt another what a fine gawdy whore was like ; the other , who much delighted in similes , said , she was like a squirel ; the other surpriz'd at the strangeness of the comparison , askt him how he made that out , it is plain ( said the other ) for she covers her whole body with her tail . a citizen askt a painter what excellent peices he had drawn of late ; only one estimable , which is the picture of acte on turned into a hart , and hunted by his hounds , so lively protrayed , that every one who saw it , said , it was a citizen pursued by serjeants . an apothecary was drank to by one in the company , who said , brother , here 's to you ; the proud apothecary askt him upon what account he called him brother ? quoth the other , we are brothren by trade ; for i understand you are an apothecary , and i am a slop-seller . a gentleman coming to his friends house at breakfast time , was saluted with the latter fragment or cantel of a cheese , which looked as thin and as crooked as the moon in her last quarter ; the gentle man encouraged his friend to eat , by saying it was sent him as a present from an accomplisht lady at windsor ; i thought it came from windsor said the other when i saw it so near eaton . one said he sung as well as most men in europe , and thus he proved it , the most in europe doe not sing well , therefore i sing as well as most men in europe . one of the rump-parliament complained of the great quantity of rain that fell , what unreasonable men you parliament are ( said a stander by ) you would neither have god rain , nor the king. one askt another which was the best way to run from a bayliff , in troth ( said he ) i think the best way is to run him through . two barbers meeting in easter-week , the one askt the other if he had a good eve on 't , in troth , said the other , i think it was the worst eve that ever came since adam . a flat nosed fellow ( who doubtlesly had long time laboured under a covent-garden distemper ) going to old-street , snuffling , askt one which was the way to rotten-row ? the other replyed , follow your nose . one being invited with his wife and daughter to dinner on a sabbath day , brought along with him two little dogs , coming to the house , he thus saluted the invitor with this complement , sir , do you want any bold guests ? i have brought my whole family with me , my self and two bitches , my wife and daughter . a very merry and quibbling lady cutting up a pigg at dinner , askt a gentleman whom she had often out-witted , whether he loved pigg , and whether she should help him to some ? i thank you madam ( said he ) i love nothing that comes from a sow . an old griping citizen dying , left a fair revenue to his son , who as profusely spent it , as his father had carefully raked it together : one day growing angry with his coachman for driving no faster , called to him , saying , drive faster , or i 'le come out and kick you to the devil ; sir , said the coachman , i protest if you do , i 'le there tell your father , how extravagantly you now spend that estate he left you . a gentleman having to his first wife a very lovely woman , she dying , he married one that was ill featured , and worse formed , being extre●mly crooked ; a friend of his taking notice of his extravagant choice , reproved him , saying , i wonder sir where your eyes were when you made this choice ; alas , said the other , it was not so much a choice of mine , as a gift , a bended token sent me by providence : said the other , i am sorry for it , i am sure your former wife was a brave noble woman ; it is true said the other , and now you may see how time makes waste , i have brought that noble to nine-pence . term being ended , three country attorneys travelling homewards , overtook a carter ; being on the merry pin , they fell a jeering him , asking him how his fore horse became so fat , and the rest so lean ? the carter ( knowing them to be attorneys ) replyed , my fore-horse is a lawyer , and the rest are his clients . a youth standing by whilst his father was at play , observing him to loose a great deal of money , burst out into tears , his father askt him the reason why he wept : o sir , i have read that alexander the great wept when ●e heard his father philip had conquered a great many towns , citys , and countryes , fearing that he would leave him nothing to win ; but i wept the contrary way , fearing , if you continue this course , you will leave me nothing to lose . a gentleman carryed his friend down into the cellar to give him the civility thereof ; his friend observing there was no seat there for him to sit on , askt what was his reason for so doing ? because , said he , i will have no man that comes hither , drink longer then he can stand . the question being askt , which were the greatest wonders in the world ; it was answered , womens and lawyers tongues , because they did alwayes lye , yet never lye still . a fellow and a wench taken one evening suspitiously in a pownd together , were by the constable committed , and the next morning brought before a justice ; but they standing both obstinately in their innocence , the justice called the wench aside , and promised her faithfully , if she would confess the fact as guilty , she should go unpunished for that time . by his subtle insinuation she confessed the truth , whereupon the justice commended her , and sent the fellow to prison : at length as she was taking her leave ( thinking her self at liberty ) the justice called her back , and askt her what the fellow had given her for her consent , she told him ( if it pleased his worship ) he had given her half a crown . truly woman , said the justice , that doth not please my worship ; for though for thy fornication i have acquitted thee , yet for thy extortion i must of force commit thee , for taking half a crown in the pownd : and sent her to the house of correction to bear her friend company . one came bragging from the court of aldermen that he was promised by them a lease of the next house that fell ; to whom another replyed , had it been my case , i should have petitioned rather for a house that stood . one said , if he was to choose his prison , it should be ludgate , because none came thither but they had their freedom . there are three sorts of cuckholds , solifidians and nullifidians , the first is one and none , and he wears asses ears , and hath this motto at his coat , crede quod habes , & habes . the second is none and one , he hath goats horns for his coat , with this motto , non videmus id mantic●e quod in tergo est . the third is one and one , and bears rams horns , with this motto , non nobis solem nati sumus . a gentleman not long since coming by a goldsmiths shop , saw therein a delicate lovely woman , whom ( as she was ) he supposed to be the mistress of the house , and that he might delight his eyes , with a less suspected freedome , he went into the shop , and desired to see some jewels , rings , lockets , &c. but having satisfied his fancy for the present , by inspecting that charming heart in flaming countenance , he bought onely a trifle , and went his way , but with a resolution to return . several times he came to the shop after this manner , so that at length he became indifferently acquainted with the man and his wife . having thus got into their acquaintance , he one day came to the good man , and showing him a very rich jewel , he desired the loan of fifty pound thereon for a month , it was granted him , in some little time after , he watcht his opportunity when the old gentleman was abroad , and went to the house , where he spared neither for cost nor courtship to win this gentlewoman to a compliance to his desires , having well warm'd her with wine he attempted the violation of her chastity , by all the subtle stratagems and weils a young italian can invent in the prosecution of his first amours ; but seeing none of these would take , he offered her the fifty pound he had receiv'd of her husband , saying , that he would freely give it her for one single amorous encounter , which proffer , like joves golden shower on danae , wrought its desired effect . having consummated what he so passionately desired in cool blood , he began to consider what a rash act he had done ; the gentlewoman on the other side , having got so rich a booty , with a deal of pleasure to boot , fearing least this serious consultation with himself , might produce some mischief , she hastened him to be gone , fearing least her husband should come , who might by seeing him there , justly suspect some foul play in his absence . no , no , said the gentleman , ( having studied a cunning plot ) let him come , i have bethought my self of a way that shall prevent all suspition in him , he had no sooner said the words , but the husband came up the stairs , at his approach this gentleman stept to him , saying , sir , i thank you for your late kindness in lending me that fifty pound ; i have received moneys sooner than i expected it , wherefore i have brought it you , and paid it to your wife , therefore sir , pray let me have my jewel ; the goldsmith askt his wife if it were so , she seeing it was but a folly to deny it , ( she having then the mony about her ) said she had received such a sum of the gentleman , hereupon the jewel was delivered , but who by the loan and use of the mony was the gaine● , i will leave it to any one to judge . a rich citizen of london , in his will , left something considerable to christ-church hospital , but little or nothing to one of his extravagant sons , at the funeral the blew-coat-boys were ordered ( in acknowledgment of so great a gift ) to sing before the corps to the grave ; as they marcht through cheap-side , this extravagant son led his mother , who observing the boys make a rest , he opened his pipes in that manner , that he was heard almost from one end of the street to the other , and still leading his mother , he continued thus singing , till a kinsman came to him , and stopping his mouth , askt him his reason for his irreverent and undecent carriage , why goodman couzen ( quoth this ne're be good ) the boys there at my fathers death sing for something , and wont you let me sing for nothing . one seeing one summer a great drinker walking in the beginning of the spring , said , one swallow doth not make a summer : but i know ( quoth the other ) one summer makes a great many swallows . when the city of london was in a manner rebuilt , a countrey-man came up to see a friend that had been burnt out , who amongst other discourse , made a grievous complaint of his own particular loss , and after that , he insisted on the loss of a city so brave and glorious ; as to your own loss , ( said the countryman ) i am sorry for it , but as to the loss of your city , i know not what to say , for who would be grieved at having a fine new suit instead of an old one . a gentleman of the temple was informed that his father was dead in the country , which news troubled him very much , not knowing how he had left his estate , a friend of his seeing him in this sad condition , bid him clear up , saying , if your father hath left you a good estate , you have but small cause to grieve ; and if he hath left you nothing , who would grieve for such a father . two discoursing immediately after the fire , about the enlarging of the streets upon the rebuilding the city , he that had much ground said , that it was not requisite the streets should be enlarged , fearing he should be a loser thereby , pish ( said the other ) to what purpose was the city burnt , but that the streets might be made larger . one speaking of the fire , said , canon-street roar'd , milk-street was burnt too , wood-street was burnt to ashes , bread-street was burnt to a coal , pudding-lane and pye-corner were over-baked , and snow-hill was melted down . one who had a damnable scold to his wife , being continually plagued with the clack of her tongue , wished one day in her hearing , that she was in heaven ; she knowing by that saying , that he was desirous to be rid of her ; in a great rage she told him , that she had rather see him hang'd first . mr. sm — a constable , carrying a big-belly'd wench before a justice , said very seriously , an 't please your worship , i have brought here before you a maid with child ; the wench thereupon call'd him knave and fool , being reprooved by the justice , she answered thus , sir , this constable must needs be one of the two , for if i am a maid , he is a fool to think i am with child ; and if i am not with child , he is a knave for so saying . a school-boy being to construe that in terence , ventum erat ad vestae , rendred it thus , ventum the wind erat was veste in the west , at which the school-master laughing , said , it was then high time to hoist up sail , and so untrust the boy , and trimm'd his pinnace . a young new-married woman in the heat of blood , about the latter end of july , after dinner , desired her husband to go up stairs and play with her , he knowing her meaning , and being unprepared for such pastime , excused himself , saying , that the dog-days were very unwholesome for such recreations ; at night being in bed with him , she desired him to lie closer , for though ( said she ) there be dog-days , yet i never heard of dog-nights . a smock-fac'd young vintner that was hardly twenty , came before the chamberlain of london to be made free , who seeing him so young , scrupled at it , asking what age he was , i am sir ( said he ) four and twenty ; that 's strange ( said the chamberlain ) i have seen a face of eighteen look more elder , 't is likely so sir ( said he very discreetly ) he that made him look so old , though so young , is able you see , to make me look so young , though so old , as i have told your worship . a parrot belonging to a person of quality , whose goodly garden lay contiguous to the thames , had learnt from the quarrelling of the foot-boys at play in the hall where the cage hung , this frequent oath amongst them , zouns , what do ye mean ; the parrot being not well , was ordered to be discaged , and carried into the garden , where getting into a tree , he was not at quiet ( laughing as he climed ) till he had got to the very top , as he stood perching and rejoycing , a kite soaring aloft , espied him , wondering of what country he should be by the strangeness of his habit , flew round and round for the advantage of a view , at length supposing him some forreign spie , sent to betray the english commonwealth of birds , he came directly down and seized him in his pounces , and without further delay , fell a taring his green jerkin off his back ; the parrot suspecting not any danger , and being unaccustomed to such rude and uncivil dealing , cryed out , zouns , what d' ye mean ? zouns , what d' ye mean ? repeating the words often with a tone unusual ; some servants took the alarme , and with stones , chasing away the kite , the parrot sh●fted for his safety , by coming down immediately , by which means was preserved . a country curate coming to oxford to take his degree of master of arts , was askt by the head of the house ( whereof this parson was a small member ) how he durst , being so green , to enter himself into the ministry , the curate answered , because the lord hath need of me , the other replyed , i never heard the lord had need of any thing but an ass . a young deacon being to be made minister , the bishop in his examination put him to construe that verse of seneca the tragaedian , cure leves loquuntur , ingentes stupeat . he did it thus ; cura leves little curages , loquuntur do preach , ingentes great bishops , stupeat do hold their peace . a gentleman complain'd to his friend , and said the city was the most insufferable place to live in in the world , and his reason was , because he was accustomed to rise very early , at which time he could find never a fellow to be drunk with , but i 'le remedie that , said he , ( that being his word ) by going to sea , where i shall find at all hours those with whom i was drunk over night , and was as good as his word ; returning from sea , he met with a wench , whom he carried to his chamber , and lay with her all night , in the morning this impudent prostitute demanded her reward for quiffing ; how , how , huzzie , said he , profit and pleasure too , that is too much at one time ; this would not satisfie her , but she told him plainly , if he did not give her something , she would make a disturbance in the house , though she was sent to bridewell for her pains ; say you so ( said he ) i 'le remedy that ; you are mistaken in me , wherefore get you gone , i am no incourager of leachery , and i scorne vice should receive a reward from me . a young gentleman ( lately ) of the temple , having more wit than mony , and minding not his chamber , study , nor commons , was indebted to the house , and it was ordered thereupon , that his chamber should be seized ; he hearing thereof , cry'd , i 'le remedy that i am resolv'd , and so presently went and took his chamber-door off the hinges , and lockt it up in his closet ; the officers coming to fix a padlock thereon , found themselves disappointed , and searching the room , found not any thing worth the seizure . in magdalene colledg in oxford , it is an order that every morning one shall go about to every schollers door , that is of the foundation , knocking loudly , and crying , pars a quinta ( which signifies a quarter after five a clock ) and warns them all to prayers , one hearing this related , said , doth he knock at every door ? yes said the other ; then replies the other , he had need to rise at three of the clock to cry pars a quinta . a school-master asked one of his schollers in the winter time what was latin for cold ; o sir , answered the lad , i have that at my fingers ends . a scholler hearing a begging soldier complain that his stones were cut out at the isle of rea , thus bemoan'd him ; ille dolet vere , qui sine teste dolet . a traveller coming into a tavern , and calling for grecian wine , the woman brought him some of her own wine , he tasting it , and perceiving her guile , said , he would have none of that wine , for it tasted of the cask . a gentleman being at the table , where was a very sat wild duck , he said he thought the duck was crambed ; at which the rest laughing , asked him who should cramb it ? he answear'd them , the man in the moon . forreign jests : witty reparties , &c. henry the fourth , commonly called henry the great , riding one day near paris , espyed an ancient man with a coal black beard , but the hair of his head was as white as milk : this mighty prince having a mind to divertise himself , caused this old fellow to be brought before him , and then ask'd him , how it came to pass , that the hair of his head seemed so much older then that of his beard : the old man briskly replyed , it was no wonder , since the hair of his beard was younger than that of his head by twenty yeares at least . the deputies of rochel attending one day to speak with his majesty , it hapned that there came at the same time a doctor of physick of the same place , who had renounced the protestant religion , to embrace the roman catholick ; for which cause the sight of this man did so enrage them , that they could not forbare railing aloud , although they were so near the presence-chamber : his majesty hearing this irreverent noise , demanded what was the matter , and was informed , that the deputies of rochel were very much incensed against one of their doctors , for changing his religion from protestancy to popery : is that all said his majesty ? ( very pleasantly ) bring them before me ; being brought , how now said the king , what angry ( speaking to the deputies ) because your doctor hath gain'd by his exchange ? let me advise you , change too , and that in time , for it is a dangerous sign , and portends your religion not long liv'd , when her physician hath left , and given her over . a gentleman having never been at paris , got , by what meanes i know not , into the gallery in the louvre , and was so taken with the curious pictures , that he was nothing but wonder and amazement ; in the mean time his majesty hapned to pass by , who seeing a stranger , with a body gentilely clad , gaping like a bumpkin , as if he had hardly ever seen a picture before , approach'd him , and asked the gentleman whom he belong'd to , this fop jauntie , thinking himself affronted , answered in a surly manner , that he belong'd to himself ; you had a fool and a clown to your master then ( said the king ) that could furnish you with no better manners . two cardinals at rome hearing of a very famous painter who had most admirably painted st. peter , with some other of the apostles ; sent for him , with orders to bring those effigies with him ; at sight thereof , these cardinals were amazed at his stupendious art , and found fault with nothing but that their faces were too red and sanguine ; your pardon , may it please your eminences ( said he in a submissive voice ) i have not pictured them as when they were on earth ; who mortifyed the flesh , that they might the better sow the seeds of the gospel ; but i have depainted them as they are now in heaven , ashamed , and therefore blush to see the lives of their successors so loose and so licentious . a franciscan-frier being mounted one day on a very good horse , was rancountred by a serious citizen , who told him , that being of the order of st. francis he wondred to see him on horse-back , and since that st. francis was always known to go a foot , he wondred he durst make so slight of that sacred oath which obliged him and his brethren to follow that holy man , well said ( said the franciscan ) you do well to put me in mind of my duty , in following our patron st. francis ; and that i might not be slack in the performance , i am therefore now mounted , for he being gone so long before , i despaired of ever reaching him a foot , and , setting spurs to his horse , said , that unless he rode a gollop , or full speed , he should be some ages before be could over-take him . a merry switzer going one day into the fields with his master , desired leave of his master to ask him a question ; the master knowing him to be a roguish witty fellow , gave him liberty ; why then sr. said he , you see an horse and ass yonder feeding together , if you were forced to be a beast , which of them two would you be ? you fool , said the master , i would be a horse , as being the nobler and more generous creature ; i 'm of another opinion replyed the swisse , for i would be an ass ; his master unable to forbear laughing , asked him the reason ; the reason said he is , i have often seen an ass ride the great horse ; stalk stately before his company upon some annual solemnity ; be chosen a justice , and as frequently his name and ignorance guilded with the splended dignity of knighthood , but i never knew an horse capable of these preferments . a walloon serjeant walking in the court at the hague , demanded of a captain in that place , by what means he might speak with the prince of orange ? the captain told him , if he would have a little patience the prince would not be long e're he would come that way ; he had no sooner said these words but his highness appeared , whereupon this bore , the walloon , being confident in his own eloquence and barbarous gaulish dialect , addrest himself in these words : sir , your excellency must know , that our ensign is dead , now i being the eldest serjeant , the colours belong to me . the prince seeing a man of that bulk , imagin'd he had a soul as large , and therefore bid him speak on boldly : but he instead of enlarging himself sung only the same notes over again . the prince being in a very good humour at that time , asked him , how long he had served the states ? let me see ( said this walloon , and thereupon drew an old book out of his pocket ) i — let me see — i now i have it , i came in the same year to serve the states , that your excellency ran away before groll . there was a gentleman in france was very much conceited of his singing ( although he had neither voice nor judgment ) and would be always humming some religious anthems , or bawl out aloud ; a notable merry woman living very near him , and by that means was perpetually troubled with his insufferable noise , there being no remedy , she was contented only with putting this trick upon him , and that was every time he sang , she wept , and the lowder his voice , the greater abundance of her tears ; the gentleman observing this several times , demanded of the woman , why she wept when be sung ( thinking to himself that he had so raptured her with his harmonical voice , that thereby her soul was wing'd for an immediate flight to heaven : ) to this question the woman thus replyed , i may well weep ( said she ) since not long ago , i lost the staff of my life , and the support of my children ; in short sir , my great loss was an ass that did us a thousand kindnesses , now sir your voice and his methinks are so extreamly alike , that i never hear you sing , but it puts me in mind of my poor ass , the loss of whom i shall never sufficiently condole . a young italian gentleman being led by curiosity into holland , where having lived some time conversing with the most ingenious , was one day set upon by a protestant minister , who would needs ingage him in a controversie about religion . the young gentleman , knowing himself too weak for the encounter , begged his diversion , and endeavoured to wave the discourse ; but the more he avoided it , the more hotly was he prest by the minister , whereupon the young italian in a very great passion , conjured him by all that is good , to let him alone in peace with his religion , for ( said he ) i cannot embrace yours , and if you make me lose my own , i will never make choice of any other . a countrey fellow wanting mo●y , came to rome , and there offered his ass to sale ; he quickly met with a chapman , who ( having agreed about the price ) demanded of the country-man , very seriously , what bad , or good conditions the ass had in him , i will assure you ( said he ) there is not a better ass in italy ; say you so ( said the other ) nay then i le promise you this , if i find him as good as you say , i will be not only a friend to him , but a brother . a poor pittiful bore , in process of time became a rich burgo-master , who one day walking in the streets was accosted by such another tatterdemalion as himself was formerly , and one of his intimate acquaintance ; this upstart burgo-master walked stately on , taking no notice of him ; this made my jag-rag the more pressing , and pulling him by the sleeve , said , old friend , what don't you know me ? ( the other replyed hastily , and with an austere countenance ) how the devil should i know or remember thee , since i have forgot my own self , being obliged by my grandeur to take no cognisance of the vileness of thy condition , and the quondam poverty of my own . a gentleman of good quality in paris , and a great amorist , was also very phlegmatick , ( t is strange two such contrary elements should agree in one body : ) i say this monsieur , one day , being in the society of some ladies , fixt his eyes upon one of an extraordinary beauty , in such sort , that they were never withdrawn from her , but when he returned about to spit , by reason of the continual overflowing of his mouth : this gentlewoman frequently observing the watering of his mouth , smilingly demanded of him the cause , who cunningly answered her , that his mouth watered being near so delicate and choice abit , yet dare not taste thereof ; if so sir , ( said she briskly ) stand further off , and do not approach nearer , least you be turned into that watery element . a countrey fellow designed one night to rob a gentlemans orchard , and being just got up into a tree he saw two approaching towards him ( which were the servant-man and chamber-maid of the house ) the sight of these persons made him lye as covert as he could , whereas on the other side these amorists eagerly pursuing their sport , did not discover the fellow in the tree , under which they had past so many amorous careers ; and being now wearied , the chamber-maid had time to vent these fears her resistless appetite would not admit into her thoughts before , in this manner , dear heart , you have had your will against my will , and what if i should now prove with child ? what will become of it , and me ? prythee ? ( said he ) take no care for that , there is one above will make ( no doubt ) sufficient provision for you both : the fellow in the tree hearing this , and being glad of this opportunity to scare them away , that he might the better accomplish his thieving design , spoke indifferently loud ; saying , i 'le see you hang'd e're i 'le maintain any whore of you all , and if i do keep any bastards , to be sure they shall be of my own begetting . just as the sermon was ended in a church at amsterdam , it hapned that two roman catholicks entered therein ; a burgess seeing them , took his friend by the hand , who knew them very well ; look there said he , as the children of light are going out of the church , the children of darkness are entering in ; one of these catholicks hearing this , shortly and sharply replyed , you have deprived us of our light , and we are forced to seek after it whilst we are in darkness ; intimating the particular restraint laid on roman catholicks by the hollander , more strict then on any other religion . within one of the provinces of the vnited neatherlands there lived a mercenary scribler , who wrote a pasquil , or defamatory libel against the house of austria , and presented it to the governour of the same place , which was a person of the most ancient family of nassaw . the governor having read it , dissembled his displeasure , but with a kind of feigned smile , told him , that his invective was as sharp as could be imagined . sir , said the author , i have one in the press , as sharp again ; let me see it said the governor : this libellous author , thinking he should be highly rewarded , brought him this second copy ; in which was writ , as in the former , a thousand notorious and scandalous lyes , not sparing the bespattering of the then vertuous infanta with lewd reproach and obloquy ; not omitting the king , emperour , &c. the governor hardly forbearing the concealment of his great indignation , bid him come in the afternoon , and his reward should be ready : taking his leave of his excellency , he returns home to his friends , further fraught with joy and hopes , than an east-india ship with pepper , comes at the time appointed . he went to wait for his reward , and the governor hearing of the coming of this libeller , ordered him to go up such a pair of stairs , and there he should meet with a person should give him his due ; coming to the top of the stairs , he was asked , whether he was the man that wrote the libel , he answered very jollily , that he was the person that had serv'd his countrey with his pen , though he could not with his sword : and that he had ( he thought ) painted the king of spain , and emperor to the life , in their own proper colours : pray , sir , come in said the other , i have order to give you double recompence ; where presently he was seized by half a dozen strong fellows , and being strip'd they gave him forty lashes on the bare back with a cat of nine tails , and were laid on by remembering him , that the first was for the emperour : the second for the king of spain : the third for the infanta : and the fourth for marquis spinola : and so oven with them again , till the number was expired ; at which time the governour came in and told him , that this punishment was the least of desert , for abusing so illustrious a house as that of austria , and that though an enemie , yet should not be abused with the scandalous reproaches of every lying pamphleter , let all such , like this , wear their reward on their backs , and not in their purses . a certain switzer , a soldier and roman catholick , being in france , was solicited by some french gentleman to go with them into holland to serve the states . having demanded of them if the hollanders were catholicks , and they affirming to him they were , he readily condescended to their proposition . being in the army of the prince of orange in the field , and seeing no priests , monks , altars , nor images , he went and told his captain that he was meerly deluded , and that he could never serve the hugonots against the catholicks , but against his conscience ; the captain seeing him refractory , and would not march , he caned him sufficiently , but the swiss regarded it not ; crying out , that he had rather dye , then bear armes against his religion ; at that very instant the prince of orange came by , and understanding the matter , caused the swiss to be brought before him , and commanding him to be disarmed , he furnished him with tabor and pipe , with several antick baubles ; saying , go soldier , since thou wilt not bare armes against the catholicks , carry these pretty knacks to them , to add to the number of their religious fopperies . there was a pleasant comical dog-whipper of a church , who on the week-days carried turfs in amsterdam , this man had a great mind to see antwerp , and takeing his wife along with him , made a journy thither ; having seen the famous churches , the citadel , and other things remarkable , they went to the tavern , intending to drink some wine ; having possest themselves of a room , the maid●servant ( well bread ) made a very low courtsie , saying , what will you be pleased to drink seignior ? at which , this turf porter , confounded with so great an honour , whispered his wife in the ear , how comes this kate ? a seignior at antwerp , and a dog-whiper in amsterdam ; certainly ( speaking still low ) i will not behave my self unworthy of this honour ( then raising his voice ) go fetch me a p●ttle of wine ; at this his wife cryed out , why john , what mean you john , we have not money enough to do it ; what of all that ( said he ) it is but ingageing my honour , i will pay it next time i come to antwerp ; in the mean time i must acknowledg these people more justly civil , and respectful , then my own country-men . one day some witty drolls met with this dog-whipper , who askt whether he would not be content to change his double employment , for the single one , of being a secretary of some town in holland ; at which question he fell into such a loud fit of laughter , that the company could not forbear laughing to see such a variety of grimaces in his face , which when it grew a little calmer , gentlemen ( said he ) my shoulders are broad and strong enough to bear a hundred maunds of truf a day , but my head , although it be big enough , or as some say , too big ; yet is it to weak and feeble to carry a secret one quarter of an hour : besides , i have heard , secretaries what to abstain from ●ine ; for my part , i should sell all the secrets of my noddle for one poule . that man's most happy that is contented with his own , and covets not anothers fortune . there is a village in holland at the end whereof stands a church built by the command of st. villebrord . one day some of the foolish paisantry of the town were got together in a tavern , where amongst other of their ridiculous discourse , there was a grand consultation how they should make the church stand in the middle of the town , the one propounded this way , and another that way , and both contradicted by a third , as a thing impossible ; at length one stands up with much gravity , brethren ( said he ) i think you are all mistaken , therefore my advice is th● , seeing the church cannot be removed ( & yet you would have the fulfilling of your desres ) build as many houses beyond it , as there are on this side thereof , and then you will find the church stand just in the middle of the town . a certain minister of the reformed religion , preaching one sabbath day in amsterdam , took an occasion to loose his text , that he might find out a digressive discourse on the magistrates of that city , several whereof were present at that time ; in his sermon , he first proved , that magistrates were as gods on earth , and that the ministers were as angels ; after this he much inveighed against the supiness and carelesness of the former , in suffering popish idolatry to be so openly professed , with judaism , &c. and his zeal prompted him to say , that they should one day be answerable for their negligence , reproving them also for many notorious sins , &c after sermon , some of the magistrates sent for him , and having severely checkt him for his insolence , and seditious eloquence , told him , that if he ever did the like , that though be made them gods , they would make a devil of him , and throw him out of the paradise of his living , into the hell of a dungeon ? there was a rodomontado in paris , who huft after so strange a rate , that he pretended , he could out-do all the wonderful exploits performed by the chief ancient masters of knight-errantry : this vaunting made him terrible to such as knew him not . one day being in company , he was strangely admired by all , saving a picard , who shewed him little or no respect , not so much out of design , as for want of breeding . this rodomontado , observing the slighting of the picard , began to swell , being in a mighty passion ; and reproach'd the picard for his clownery in not paying that due respect to his person , which was the merit of his vertue ; the picard told him bluntly , that if others worshipped an ass , he was not bound to do the like . how said the rodomontado , darest thou speak to me without trembling ? thou shalt repent for this ; to which the other replyed , he feared him not ; nay , then said this rodomontado i see thou art weary of thy life ; meet me to morrow , at such a place , singly , and there i will do thee the kindness to dispatch thee out of thy pain . the picard told him resolutely , he would meet him with his sword ; and accordingly , the next morning early , he went into the field , and having waited there about two hours , at length comes the rodomontado scare-crow , who made such a noise as he came , that he frighted all the birds from their nests and coverts as he past through the forrest of fontain-bleau . as soon as he saw the picard he made a thousand grimaces , and as many bravadoes ; asking him at a great distance whether he was apprehensive of death , or whether he long'd to dye . advance nearer said the picard , and i will quickly inform you . hereupon the rodomontado stood still , and asked him whether he had a wife and children , yes , yes , said the picard , but what is that to our purpose ? come draw , ha , ( said the rodomontado ) i am sorry that thy wife must be a widdow , and thy children orphans ; for i am invincible , and have al●ready slain with this right hand above ten thousand cavaliers : hadst thou ( said the picard ) fought the devil , and kil'd his grand-child in single combat , yet would i fight thee , therefore defend thy self , or thou art a dead man : at this our bouncing cavalier drew back , crying out to the picard to have a little patience ; but the picard's passion it seemes had no ears , and began to lay about him stoutly , the rodomontado seeing in what danger he was in , beg'd the picard to hear him but one word ; i see ( said he ) that thou art a brave fellow , and what a pity is it then , that thou should'st fall by my arm ; come , i am generous and mercifull , beg then thy life , and i will give it thee ; i scorn it , said the picard , therefore once more guard thy self , or i 'le run thee through ; nay then replyed the rodomontado , since thou wilt not demand thy life of me , i 'le beg mine of thee : which last words so tickled the p●eard with laughter , that he could not find in his heart to do him any further mischief . two gentlemen drinking at a tavern at the hague very smartly , the one accus'd the other for not doing him reason , the other told him he lyed , and gave him a box on the ear ; hereupon commenced a challenge , although they were both so drunk that they knew not how to name their weapons they were to fight with . the next morning they met , but knew not upon what grounds they were to fight . and therefore instead of fighting fell to capitulateing , both protesting they knew not the cause of the quarrel ; a person standing by , who was concerned as a second , told them , he knew nothing but the wine which bred the difference : if that be all said the combatants , the wine that made us fall out , shall make us fall in again . an english lord , and french monsieur were deeply engaged in a controversie , which was the best religion ; many arguments were produced pro and con , at length monsieur appeal'd to a great man that was ( as he thought ) of his own perswasion ; whether he had not produced invincible arguments in confirmation of the verity of his religion . of mine ( said this noble man ) you mistake sir , i am as yet of none at all , nor never like to be of any , till our teachers , schoolmen , learned divines , jesuits , and such , who for sever all ages have disputed , are agreed which of all religions is the snrest guide to heaven . the vice-roy of naples in a great siege , made a strict order , wherein it was adjudged death for any man above , and under such an age , to walk in any part of the city without a sword , one day as himself and retinue were riding through the city , to see how well this order was observed , he saw a gentleman without a sword , who was presently brought before the vice-roy , and then was the order read , and for contempt thereof , was sentenced to dye ; and because he was a gentleman he was to be slain by the next gentleman that past that way ; it was not long ere one appear'd , exactly qualyfied for the business to outward appearance , though it proved otherwise , for this gentleman had been gaming , and had lost not only all his money , but the very blade of his sword , and had instead thereof , fixt to the hilt a wooden blade , not daring to go home without the resemblance of a sword by his side ; this gentleman was stop'd by the way , and made acquainted with the vice-roy's evere sentence , who hearing it , & know sing his own insufficiency , was extream●y startled , and withall , with much eagerness , prest the vice-roy to excuse him , alledging , that should he be made an executioner , it would be a perpetual stain to his family ; all his supplications availed nothing , so that he must do the work ; in order thereunto he stript himself of his loose garments , and after this devoutly kneel'd , praying that god would forgive him for what he was going about , &c. but particularly prayed , that if the gentleman ought not to dye , that his sword myraculously might be turn'd into wood ; having ended his prayer , he arose , and whiping out his sword to run the gentleman through ; ( who stood ready prepared to receive the thrust ) his sword appeared a shaved lath to all the spectators ; hereupon the dying gentleman was released with much joy , the wooden sword was carried with much solemnity , and hung up in the cathedral church , as a true link to the chain of popish miracles . a protestant and roman catholick were arguing at paris about the popes infallibility ; the priest said , that the pope may erre as a man , but not as a pope ; i would fain know ( said the gentleman ) why the pope doth not instruct , or reform the man , or wherefore the man doth not require the popes instruction . a common strumpet got a warrant for a man , from whom she hoped to squeese some mony , and carried him before a justice who demanded of the man whether he was guilty of what was alledged against him , the man protesting innocency ; saying further , mr. justice , this woman hath the repute of a common whore ; if so , suppose i had to do with her , how can she say that i am the proper father of the bastard , since she deals with so many continually ; thou say'st well ( said the justice , and speaking to the woman , said , thou mayst as well going through a thorn hedg , tell certainly which thorn pricked thee ; and so give the man his discharge . the governor of maestricht had a great love for a young captain of his , which had never been tryed during the late siege by english and french ; on a time , he was commanded with a party to make a mock sally , but as soon as ever he came within sight of the enemy , he squatted behind the walls of some old ruins ; coming into the garrison , he was not only publickly laughed at , but was accused for a coward to the governor , who being more willing to bring this captain off with credit , then he brought off himself , told them thus ; if this captain went upon a mock sally , then the worst you can say , he is but a mock coward , and if he had not so plaid the fool and coward in jest , i would have punished him in earnest . a lphonso cartillo was informed by his steward of the greatness of his expence , and that it was inconsistent with his estate , but particularly the number of his servants was too great , whereupon the bishop made him draw up a note of such as were necessary , and such as were not ; that being done , he summoned all his servants together , and reading the note , seperated them ; then said , these i have need of , and therefore they must continue ; these have need of me , and therefore they must remain also . a thief being arraigned at bar , before a lieutenant , criminal for stealing a horse , in his pleading , urged many things in his own behalf , but particularly , he insisted on this , that the horse stold him , and not he the horse : how can that be said the judge ? thus , said the malefactor , passing along the country about my lawful occasions , i was pursued close by a fierce mastive , and had no other means to escape his fury but by leaping over a hedge , which i easily effected by my agility of body , it hapned , that a horse stood on the other side of the hedge , and it so chanced , that i leaped astride his back , who being startled hereat , ran clear away with me , and could not stop him by any means , until he came to the next town ; in which the right owner of the horse lived , and there i was taken , and here arraigned . after that horrid massacre in france on st. bartholomew's day , the deputies of the reformed religion treated with the king for peace ; both sides were agreed upon the articles , the question was upon the security of the performance : after some particulars propounded and rejected , the queen mother said , why is not the word of a king sufficient security ? one of the deputies answered , no by st. bartholonrew . a dutch captain was commanded by his colonel to go on in an exploit against the french , with forces that were unlikely to atchieve the enterprize , whereupon the captain advised his collonel to send but half so many men ; why so , said the collonel , to send but half so many men ? because replyed the captain , they were enough to be knockt on the head , and it is better that a few die than many . a poor countrey-fellow praying devoutly superstitious before an old image of st. loy , the image being rotten , suddenly fell down upon the poor man , and so grievously bruised him , that he could not stir out in a month after ; in the mean time , the cheating priests had set up a new image in the room thereof ; the countrey-man recovering , came to the same church and kneel'd again to the image , but at a great distance , saying after this manner ; although thou smilest , and lookest fair upon me , yet thy father played me such a knavish prank lately , that i will beware that i come not as near thee , as i did him , least thou shouldst have any of thy fathers unhappy qualities . a nobleman in paris , hearing of a blind man , that could play very well on the flagellet , sent for him , and he played unto him till night , having done , the nobleman commanded his servant to light the flagellet player down stairs ; hereupon the servant replyed , my lord , the man is blind : thou ignorant coxcomb ( quoth my lord ) he hath the more need of light. an italian doctor askt a waterman , whether he might safely go by water over the river po ? the fellow told him yes ; but the doctor coming to the water-side , and finding it very rough , said , you watermen are the veryest knaves in the world , for to gain six pence , you care not to cast a man away ; to whom the water-man replyed ; it appears sir , we are men of a cheaper f●urrc●ion , and better conscience than you , for you sometimes will not cast a man away under forty , fifty , or an hundred crowns . a gentlewoman of paris ( who was a grain or two too light ) went to her confessor , and amongst other sins , confessed chiefly , that she was too much addicted to the society of men ; ah , said the fryer , whoredom is a sin very displeasing to god , i am sorry for that ( quoth she ) since it was so pleasing to me . an italian captain haveing been a long time besieged in a place , where for four moneths , he did eat nothing but horse-flesh , at length being relieved , he returned to his former mistriss , thinking to have the same dalliances as formerly ; she understanding how he had fared , since his departure ; hold ( said she , ) though i have a mind to be gotten with child , yet i am resolved never to be gotten with colt. a gentleman in naples being affronted by an english man , was resolved to be revenged ; and therefore commanded his man to procure him a couple of villains , fit for his purpose ; in a little time he brought his master two whose faces were slasht and cut ; the gentleman seeing them , said , i will have none of you ; but bring me them who gave you those wounds , and i will reward you . one told pope alexander the sixth , that it was necessary to banish all the physitians out of rome , for they were unnecessary and dangerous ; no ( said the pope ) they are very useful ; for without them the world would encrease so fast , that one could not live by another . a ntigonus invading parthia , was told that the enemies had such volleys of arrows to encounter him , that they would darken the sun ; that 's well ( say he ) for then we shall fight in the shade this hot weather . upon the departure of a gentleman of good note at lyons in france , a jesuite stood by prompting the gentleman to give to that conuent he belong'd to , such a piece of ground and such a mannor , which the gentleman consented to ; the son standing by , and fearing all would be given from him ; said to the jesuite , i hope you will not have the conscience to keep all this from me ; yes , yes , said the jesuit , the will of the dead must be obeyed ; say you so , then father shall i break the neck of this jesuit down stairs ? do if thou wilt son : nay then says the son , the will of the dead must he obeyed : the jesuit hearing this , and seeing him in good earnest , made but one step from the top of the stairs to the bottom , to avoid the danger ensuing . socrates was ask'd , why he suffered so much brawling by his wife ? says he , why do you suffer so much kackling of your hens ? because they lay me eggs , says he , and i my wife ( replyed socrates , ) because she bares me children . some profane fellows and wenches were resolved to abuse some 〈◊〉 ers ; for , laying an hog ( which they had made dead drunk before with the lees of wine ) under the table , covered with a black cloath , they sent for the fryers , telling them , that the womans husband of the house was dead , and that they must sing a dirg for his soul ; during the service the woman kept such a tittering , and laughing , that they were forced to avoid the room ; the young men seeing that , stole out after them , that they might have the greater liberty to laugh also ; one of the friers taking notice hereof , listed up the cloth , and seeing it was a hog , took him , and to be revenged of the abuse ; carried him away ; the woman of the house seeing them march off , called after them to return ; no , no , said they , we find he is a brother of ours , and must be buried in our convent . one came to paris to be confessed , who told his confessor he had stoln a halter , to steal a halter , said he , is no great matter ; i but said the fellow , there was a horse tied at the end on 't ; o said the confessor , there is somthing in that : there is great difference between a horse and a halter , you must therefore first restore the owner his horse , and having so done , come to me , and i 'le absolve you of the halter . a fellow hearing the drums beat up for volunteers for france , in the late expedition against the dutch , imagin'd himself valliant enough , and thereupon listed himself : returning again , he was ask'd by his friends , what exploits he had done there ; he said , that he had cut off one of the enemies leggs , and being told that it had been more honourable and manly to have cut off his head ; o said he , you must know his head was cut off before . a priest in an abby at florence , being a fisherman's son , ordered a net to be spread on the table , instead of a table cloth , in token of humility , and in remembrance from whence he came ; the abbot dying , for his pretended humility sake , he was elected abbot dying , after which he caused the net to be used no more , and being askt the reason , he told them , i need not the net now , having caught what i fisht for . an old covetous miser at burdeaux , grudged his servants their victuals , and allowed them but a fifth part of wine , to four parts of water ; one time seeing one of his servants feed very heartily , what said he , will your grinders never be at rest ? how can they ( said the servant , ) as long as they have so little wine , and so much water . a popish bishop rising up in arms against his prince , was defeated , and taken as he was clad in armor , and by the king's command secured . the pope hearing of it , complained of the king's breach of church priviledges , imprisoning one of the sons of the church ; hereupon the king sent back the messenger with the armor of the bishop , desireing the pope to send him word , whether those were the garments of any of his sons . jvlius the third , when he was made pope , gave his hat to a young favorite of his , to the general dissatisfaction of the conclave ; whereupon a cardinal that used to be free with him said , what did your holiness see in that young man to make him a cardinal ? julius replyed , what did you see in me , to make me a pope . a country-man coming to paris with his ass loaded , the beast stuck in a dirty place , and to make him rise from thence , the peasant belaboured him with a stick lustily , a courtier passing by , said , how now villain , art thou not ashamed to abuse thy beast so ? if thou strikest him again , i will strike thee as much ; hereupon the poor fellow desisted , till the cavilleer was past , and then sell a beating his beast worse than before , saying , how now goodman ass , who would have thought that thou hadst friends at court ? a french peasant passing by a ditch with his cart full of onions , the cart overturn'd , and the onions fell into a ditch full of water , at sight whereof the peasant cryed out , mort bleau , here wants nothing but a little salt to make le bon potage . a dutch-man in amsterdam having heated himself with wine , grew angry ; and swearing gods sacrament , he would feign know , why the english called his countrymen butter-boxes ; the reason is , said a stander by , because they find you are so apt to spread every where , and for your sauciness must be melted down . a stout commander , having formerly in the kings service lost his leg , was not with standing for his great prudence , and courage made a captain of a second rate ship , and being in the midst of an engagement a cannon bullet took of his woodden supporter , so that he was constrained to fall ; the seamen thinking he had lost his legs , cryed , down with him to the chriungem ; i want him not , i want him not ( quoth he ) but send me up to the carpenter . being a captain of horse , he was disswaded not to attaque the enemy , they being thrice the number ; are they so said he ( not a jot dismay'd ) then i am very glad , for there are enough to be kill'd , enough to be taken prisoners , and enough to run away , a monsieur meeting the king of france's jester , asked what news , why sir replyed he , there are forty thousand men risen to day , i pray to what end , said the other , and what do they intend ? why ( said he ) to go to bed again at night . one hearing a french gentleman brag what variety of excellent sallats there are in france , and how the people naturally delight therein , it cannot be denyed ( saith he ) that as you have plenty of good sallats , so they are most of your food ; now we in england have dainty beeves , veal , mutton , and as god made beasts to live on grass , so he made man 〈◊〉 live on beasts . an englishman and his wise lodging at a french-mans house , both so perfect children of their own countrys , that neither understood each other , it so fell out , that the english-mans wife cry'd out in the night ; whereupon he ran up-stairs to acquaint the midwife , ( who did lye above ) of his wives condition , that being done , he went down to inform his landlord and landlady thereof ; standing by the bed side shivering in his shirt , for it was in a cold winter night , his landlady pitying him said to her husband , prythee , my dear , let the english-man come into bed to us and lye till day-light , since it is so cold , and that he cannot in civility return to his own chamber , you need not fear any thing since you are in bed with me ; her request was granted , and he lay down on the other side of the woman ; the frenchman having tyred himself by labour the day before , fell fast asleep ; the englishman's snake presently grew warm , and crawled up the womans belly ; the motion of the bed awaked her husband , he called out wife , what are you doing ; what are you doing ? why what would you have me do ( said she ) if i should speak to him it would be to little purpose , for you know he understands not a word of our language . at the battail of newport the prince of orange having the spanish army before him , and the sea behind him , said to his soldiers , gentlemen , if you intend to live , thus must you do , either eat those spaniards , or drink up this sea. when metellus nepos asked in a ●e●ring way , the famous roman orator cicero , who was his father ? he replyed , thy mother hath made that question harder for thee to answer . marcus livius , who was governor of tarentum , when hanibal took it , being envious to see so much honour done to fabius maximus , said one day openly in the senate , that it was himself , not fabius maximus , that was the cause of the retaking of the city of tarentum ; fabius smiling , said wittily , indeed thou speakest truth , for hadst not thou lost it , i had never retaken it . pope benedict when the embasiadour of the council of constance , came to him , laying his hand on his breast , said , hic est arca noae , here is noah's ark : one hearing him say so , said softly to his friend , in noah's ark there were few men , but many beasts . a gentleman in antwerp talking with a priest concerning religion , asked , why they kissed the cross more than any other piece of wood ; and what was there more in that than any other trees else , that they did not kiss them , why ( said the priest ) is not your wife made all of the same flesh and blood , and what is the reason that you do not kiss her back-side , as well as her mouth . pope alexander being accustomed highly to commmend the institution of the single life of priests , and to blame their using of concubines , was wont to say , god hath forbidden us to get children , and the devil hath given us nepliews a spaniard and a gascoign coming both to an inn in france , found nothing ready , but a piece of mutton , and a partridge ; one would have the partridge , and the other would have it ; and thereupon quarrelling , the hostess perswaded them to eat it together , no that they would not ; but at last consented it should be kept for breakfast , and he that dreamed in the night the best dream , should have it . whilst the spaniard broke his sleep by studying a good dream , the gascoign observing where the partridge was put , got up , and did eat it : in the morning betime they arose , and the spaniard said , he dreamed the best dream in the world ; for said he , methought i saw the heavens open , and a quire of angels with musick carried me to heaven . then said the gascoign , i dreamed i saw you so carried to heaven , and thinking you would never return , i arose in the night , and did eat the partridge . a cordelier and a jacobin having taken up one inn together ; the next morning the jacobin paid his reckoning , but the cordelier supposing to have come off here , as else where , for a god a mercy , or a retribuet deus , was forced by the master of the house , who was a protestant , to pay for what he had , by pawning some books , for the jacobin refused to lend him a farthing . the next day travelling together , they came to a small river ; whereupon the poor cordelier put of his sandals , and holding up his gown , began to wade : the jacobin being well apparell'd , and loath to spoil his fine cloathes , call'd to the cordelier to carry him over ; what will you give me then quoth he ? said the other , i will redeem your books , and pay your charge at the next inn ; so the cordelier took him up on his back , and when he was in the deepest place of the water , the cordelier asked the jacobin if he had money enough to make good his promise ? yes that i have said he , and thereupon chinkt his money in his pocket : the cordelier hearing this , and finding a fit opportunity to be revenged , let him drop in the water , saying , brother , you have done very ill to make me transgress my orders , for you know , i am bound never to carry any money about me . a peasant having been with his confessor told him that he had eaten eggs that lent , and was reproved for it ; forasmuch as eggs made chickens , chickens cocks , and cocks capons : a little while after this confessor sent to him for some eggs , to set under a hen , and he sent them all boiled very hard , the curat being ignorant thereof , set them under his hen , but finding in almost a months time no production , he broke one of them and found it hard , and so brake another , a third , a fourth , a fifth , till he had broken them all , and found them all as the first boiled . this so netled the curate , that he instantly went to the pe●sant to know the reason of this abuse ; the peasant excused himself , saying , he knew not what he meant ; why you fool ( quoth the curate ) did you ever think that chickens could be hatched out of hard eggs ? why father , so you told me ( said he ) the last lent ; for when i confessed to you that i had eaten eggs , you chid me , saying , eggs made chickens , chickens cocks , cocks capons : now if boyled eggs which i did eat , would ever have been chickens , cocks , and capons ; how did i know but the boiled eggs under your hen , would come to be so too . a country fellow seeing the arch-bishop of cologn riding in the fields with a great retinue compleatly armed , laught out aloud ; being ask'd his reason for so doing , he answered , because he wondred that st. peter , christs vicar on earth , being exceeding poor , had left his successor so rich that his train should be more furnished with sword-men , than gown-men . the arch-bishop hearing this , and being willing that the fellow should have better knowledg of him in his place , and dignity , told him , that he was not only arch-bishop , but a duke also , and that as a duke he rode with such an armed train of men , but when he was in the church , he was attended on as an archbishop ; sir ( said this poor fellow ) i pray tell me when my lord duke shall be with the devil , what will become of the arch-bishop . the emperour sigismond foarding a river , his horse stood still in the midst , and staled ; whereupon a page took the boldness to say , that the horse was like the emperour , who heard what was said , but said nothing for that time ; a little while after the emperour reminding those words , ask'd the page his reason for comparing him to a horse ? because royal sir ( quoth the page ) the river had no need of water , and yet your horse must add to it by pissing in it , and so do you ; for those that have enough , you give more ; but to such as have nothing , you add not any thing , and allthough i have been with you a long time , yet have i not tasted of your bounty ; the next morning the emperour took two iron chests , the bigger of the two , he filled with lead , and the other with silver , and bid his page take which he would of them , in recompence of his service ; the page took the biggest , which the emperour caused him to open , and there he found nothing but lead , the other he opened himself , and shewed him it was silver . now ( said the emperour ) thou knowest thy fortune , the fault was none of mine , that thy choice was no better , and that thou wert not made rich , for thou hast refused thy good fortune , when it was offered thee the duke of millain being besieged in a castle by the florentines , one day at dinner , he quarrell'd with his victuals , and chid his cook severely , for the ill ordering of his meat , and sauce ; whereupon the witty cook reply'd , my lord ; your meat is well enough dressed , but the florentines have put your mouth out of taste . before the battel fought at serrizals , the marquess of guast assureing himself of the victory , gave his jester a suit of armour fairly guilt , and a spanish jennet , with a promise of five hundred duckets , if he would be first should carry news to his wife of his victory ; but it so hapned , that the french did beat the emperour's army and the jester was taken , and brought before the lord anguien , who perceiving who he was , asked , who had furnish'd him in that splendid manner ? my lord ( replyed he ) the marquess , who gave me my horse and armes , and should have given me five hundred duckets to go and tell my lady his wife , the first tidings of his victory , but to save the money , i believe he is posted thither in person . two young scholars travelling from roan to paris , there to study , met by the way a country-fellow riding on an ass , which bray'd in such manner , as if he had been overjoy'd to be in such learned society ; these students thinking to put a trick on the paisant , said , friend , why do you let your brother cry in that manner , cannot you find out any way to still and quiet him ? the paisant who was none of the most ignorant of the parish wherein he dwelt ; answered , my ass , sirs , is so extream●y pleased to meet with his relations , and old a●quaintance , he could do no less then sing a song of mirth , and merry glee , in testimony of your hearty welcome to him . a gentlewoman of singular beauty but highly conceited thereof , went to an eminent painter at paris , ordering him to draw her picture like a maid to the life in little , and yet represent her in full proportion . the painter did as much as in him lay , and carried home the picture to the gentlewoman , who misliked nothing therein but that he had drawn her too little . the painter to excuse himself ; said , madam , i believe , considering your age , it is very hard to find a maid sobig as you . a gentleman of paris that was much troubled with rheum , was complementing a lady in the lour , who by reason of that distemper , was forced to spit at every sentence ; the lady perceiving it ( who was furnished with whatever art or nature could bestow upon her ) said in railery , sir , your mouth overflows , you would do well to take some course to drain that fenny body of yours , least in time , it lye totally drown'd in that plegmatick humour . pardon me , madam ( wittily repartied this gentleman ) if i say you are the cause of this distemper , if it be any ; for how is it possible for a man to look on such a dainty curious piece of flesh , as yours is , and his mouth not water . charles the fifth going privately to visit the convent of the jocobins in vienna , met by the way with a fellow , who got his living by hogs , and then had a sucking pig in his arms going to market , which in the way grunted so much , that the emperour could not endure it , wherefore said , do you hear , friend , have you not got the art of stealing a pig when he cryes ; the fellow ( not knowing him to be the emperour , seeing him not only meanly clad , but slenderly attended ) said , sir , it is a secret i understand not , and therefore i shall be much obliged , if you will inform me how to do it : why then said the emperour , if you will have your pig leave off grunting , take and hold him by the tail ; which the fellow trying , found effectual : hereupon he said , in troth sir , be whom you will , i see you have not your trade to learn now : for though i have been a pig-merchant this thirty years , you are more knowing in it , then i. lewis the twelfth , king of france , taking a view one day of his army in the plain of chartrese , saw three soldiers together , terribly slasht over the face , and carrying their armes in a scarf , whereupon he said , gentlemen how came you thus to be so roughly handled ? by our enemies ( said one of the three ) it seems then ( said the king ) they were too hard for you , and so consequently , the better men ; your pardon sr. ( said one ) we judge it no such matter , for as they did hurt us , so we killed them . a cyprian dame , who had spent a considerable time in the service of venus , growing old , bethought her self how she could spend the residue of her days ; and resolved upon the ancient and venerable profession of a bawd , and that she might not be altogether disappointed of those pleasures , she procur'd others , she painted egregiously . a gentleman one time coming to her house , and taking notice how ill she had laid on the fucus , or paint , drolling said , most incomparable madam , i cannot look in your face , but the lustre thereof makes my eyes dazle ; do they so ( said she ) i am sorry your eyes are so weak , the bastard eagle cannot look against the sun , i wish your eyes better , that they may be able to contemplate my greater splendour . a young married gentlewoman of the town of alerson in normandy , had a parrot whom amongst other things , used to say walk , cuckold , walk ; one day , a doctor of physick of her acquaintance coming that way , she perceiving him , by often repeating those words to the parrot , he spoke nothing else as he past along ; the doctor seeing the gentlewoman by the cage , made a stop , and said , madam you have done very well , to teach your parrot to call men by their proper names , as walk cuckold , walk , but you would have done much better , if you had taught him , how to distinguish persons , which i perceive he is ignorant of , he takes me to be your husband . the count d'avergne , going with a natural son to the king of france , to the church in paris , call'd quinze vingts , a place designed for the relief of the poor blind ; in the church-yard there stood begging an old man , who had totally lost his sight ; yet was given too much to curse , and swear ; the count advised this natural son to extend his charity to this poor fellow , which he denyed , saying , i hate to give to counterfeits , nay , said the count , this man sure is not one ; i but said the other he is one , and can see as well as i do , and to prove what i say , i will go to him , and without saying a word you shall see he know● me ; with that stepping towards him , he came so near him that he chanced to tread upon his toe ; the blind man hereupon cry'd out , a pox on you for a rotten son of a whore , go and be domn'd . look you there ( said this natural son to the count ) you may perceive by what he says , he knows me as well as you do . emanuel duke of savoy , an ingenious and generous prince , having been deprived of all his estate by henry the fourth , was necessitated to go to lions , where the king then was , to make his address to his majesty ; on sign whereof he fell on his knees , humbly beseeching his majestie to restore him to his former condition ; the king seeing him in that posture , said , brother , i am troubled to see you in this posture , and much more for your misfortune , but you must attribute this to your own fault , and the force of arms , however , rise , and assure your self i will do to the utmost of my power what shall conduce to your future satisfaction and content . the duke of savoy seeing his majesty in such a good humour , continued still on his knees , which caused his majesty once more to say , rise ; whereupon the duke replyed , i am reduced to so low and weak a condition , that i cannot rise of my self , and nothing can raise me but your royal hand sir. whereupon the king rais'd him at once , both on his legs , and to his former estate . a young man married a pretty bucksome young woman in charenton near paris , and being in bed , the first night he let a rouzing fart ; his new bedded consort very much displeased thereat , askt him why he would offer so soon to play the beast ? alas sweet-heart ( said he ) don 't you know , when a fortress is besieged , in making a breach , the cannons will roar ; in troth husband ( said she ) you need not have put your self to that trouble , for the breach was made , long since , wide enough for a whole army to enter two in a breast . a young cavileer , riding from paris to orleans , overtook by the way a sprightly young lass , travelling on foot ; taking pity of her , said , that if she pleased , he would take her up behind him ; she consented , but the horse would not agree to the bargain , but kick'd and flounc'd strangely ; well sir ( said she ) i see you are more civil than your beast , who need not have taken it in such dudgeon to carry me , if he knew how light i am ; excuse him sweet heart ( said he ) for i believe he thinks you fitter to carry behind than he ; if so ( said she ) he deserves not the name of a horse , but an ass , for any one that knows any thing may easily see , i am fitter to carry before than behind . a jolly fellow at orleans , living at marsellis , being in bed let a great fart , and repeated it twice or thrice ; hearing his wife nothing but laugh , said to her , in troth you need not be so merry , for if this wind continue , you are like to have foul and filthy weather ; falling asleep , she raised her bum , and so bepist him , that it ran from the nape of his neck down his back to his heels ; he awakeing , askt her what the devil she meant by that ? nothing indeed husband ( said she ) what i did was only to prevent that loathsome storm you threatned me with , for i have heard a little rain will allay a great wind. a taylor going to confession , was askt by his father confessor , whether he had any thing in his hands which he had wrong'd another of ? no indeed , said the taylor ( knowing he should be enjoyn'd to make restitution ) i have nothing now , for i have disposed of my several theft yesterday to a broker , willing to discharge my shop , as well as my conscience ; his confessor hearing that , said , and indeed i have taken physick to day which hath discharged me of all my pardons , so that i have not one left for such dissembling penitents . signieur de morvilleers going to a town called swasie , met by the way a fool , about twenty years old , to whom he said , come hither friend , go along with me , and thou shalt be my fool , doing nothing but eat and drink , and spend the time as thou wilt thy self . ah , said the fool , i cannot do that , i am my fathers fool , for he made me ; if you will have a fool , make one your self . but , said the lord , i am more wise than to make a fool ; well then , said the fool , i 'le go and make one for you ; then , said my lord , according to what you said before , he will not be my fool , but thine ; not so neither ( said the fool ) he shall be all yours ; for the one half which your wife helpt to make , shall be yours , and the other half which belongs to me , will i make a present of to you . quere whether this was the saying of a fool. one day a gentleman seeing hogs in his vineyard , called to his servant and bid him go and see whose they were ; being in a great passion , he swore , whosoever they were , he was certain they belong'd to a cuckold , and a cuckold maker , a rogue , a rascal , and a son of a whore : this man returning and hearing his master say so , cry'd , hold sir , hold , the hogs are your own ; the devil they are said he , well if they be , what i have said , i cannot unsay , and i must stand to 't . a simple young man in gascoign had a very great love to a young maid as he thought , and that he might live with her quietly without wrangling hereafter , he thought of this expedient ; one day he told her , that it was his full intent to marry her , and to prevent future quarrels , he said he would tell her all the secrets of his heart , that their alliance might be stronger ; amongst many other things , he told her , that in the heat of blood he had got a son , on a friend of his , which son was yet living , and desired her not to take it amiss : no no ( said she ) i am very well pleased , and now , sir , let me tell you , that a friend of mine got me with child , and if you intend to fortify our alliance , it may be done with another marriage , that is between your son , and my daughter . a butchers wife in paris having been suspected by her husband to have cuckolded him ; to free him in part of that jealousie , seemed very devout , and frequently went to confession . one day she went to her confessor , who amongst many questions , ask'd her , whether sometimes she had not a mind to the flesh ? indeed ( said she ) i love flesh so well , that my mouth waters when ever i see a good bit , though it be in lent ; but i hope you eat it not , ( said he ) not for a world , ( said she ) i but ( said he ) this is not the flesh i mean ; answer me , whether you ever had copulation with any besides your husband ; no indeed father ( said she ) i never had collation with any but my husband . then ( said he ) in plainer termes , had you never a desire to lie with another man ? i must confess ( said she ) i had a great mind to an apothecaries man , our next neighbour , but never did any thing ; for indeed the fool either would not , or could not understand my meaning , though it was as plain as a pike-staff . ah sister ( said the confessor ) you know the will is as good as the deed ; however for this time i will absolve you ; that being done , she dropt him a low curtsie , and said , father , i am willing to send you a quarter of mutton ready roasted for supper , if you will take it in good part . he thanked her , and said he would . the service of the great mass being finished , he with a couple of his friends , whom he invited to supper , came accordingly , but the mutton came not , wherefore a messenger was sent to the butchers wife who told him , she had sent it allready , he delivering his message was sent back to assure her there was no such matter : the woman remembring the words of the confessor , said , friend go tell your master , i had a good will to send it , but my husband would not let me ; now your master told me , we must take the will for the deed , and so he is like for me , and be as well content without the quarter of mutton , as if he had received it . a gascoign newly coming to paris , as he● walkt the streets , he saw the kings favorite richly attired , and magnificently attended , which made him enquire of one standing by ; who that should be ? he is one ( replyed the other ) of great esteem at court , and hath his majesties ear , h●w ( said the gascoign ) nay then it is no wonder that his majesty is deaf to so many just complaints of late , if his ear be in anothers possession . it is said , that women are a paradice for mens bodies , a hell for their souls , and a purgatory for their purses . it hapned that a young gentleman of roan was very much in love with a fair and witty gentlewoman of the same place ; but had not the confidence to acquaint her with his desires , at length finding an opportunity , better then he could wish , he presumed at length to tell her how passionately he had lov'd her for a long time , but had not the boldness to say so much before , thinking to have employed a friend in that affair . sir ( said she ) i must pity your ignorance in that you do not know , that every mans self is the best messenger in amorous affairs ; according to the italian proverb , iministri non operan● mai bene comea cui tocca : and knowing you to be a traveller , you might have acquainted your self with that true spanish adage : d●lea una muger una vez quiela quieres , el diabolo selo dira ciento ; that is , tell a woman but once that you love her , and the devil will tell it her an hundred times after . at calais there lived a young woman as famous for wit and beauty , as infamous for her debauchery : her husband was a very silly fellow , and though he knew of the dishonesty of his wife with several persons , yet he but mildly reproved her , fearing to do otherwise ; but still advised her for the future to lock the door against such cuckold-makeing rascals ; alas sweet heart ( said she ) what will that signifie , since you know my lock is such , that every key will fit it . a gentleman meeting one day with a jester that belonged to the duke of rouen , askt him , what was his name : my name , said he , is like my fathers . and what is his name ? why his ( quoth he ) is like mine . then what is both your names ( said the gentleman ) to which the jester replyed , one like another . a gentleman of provence had a wife so plentiful stored with the worst of ill qualities , that he grew weary of his life , not knowing what to do or how to be rid of her safely , at length this project came into his head ; he had a mule , which he fed four days with dry meat , without one drop of water , all that while ; the fifth day he perswaded his wife to ride abroad with him to take the air , and mounted her on that very mule , which he knew she delighted in , and he himself backt another : riding along they came at last near a deep river , at sight whereof , the mule being parcht with thirst , and over greedy to quench it , ran violently into the midst thereof , which was out of his depth , and so lost his own with the life of his mistress . bertrand de guelclin , general to charles the fifth , who had no farther occasion to make use of him at home , desired his majesty to give him leave to march into granada to fight against the sarazens . now for the thieveries and violences this bertrand had committed , both he and the whole army were excommunicated by pope vrban the fifth . bertrand takes his way into spain by avignon , where the said pope had then his residence , who hearing of a great army marching towards him , sent a cardinal to know what they intended , or demanded : bertrand made answer , tell our holy father , that we are come to receive pardon , and absolution for thesins we have committed , and the punishments we have deserved , and to be freed from the excommunication : likewise we demand two thousand florins in gold for our present substance , and to carry us on in the work of propagating the christian faith. the cardinal returning this answer , said the pope , it is strange , and wonderful to me , that these men should demand absolution and money too , since we are accustomed to receive money before we give absolution . one asking diogenes the cynick what he would have to take a cuff on the ear , he answered him a helmet . the same man walking in the fields , and seeing a young man shooting very unskilfully , went and sate down very near the mark ; some asking him why he did so , he answer'd least peradventure he that shoots should hit me . an abbot in a monastery bid one of the young students to construe an hymn in which was this word pedo , which signifies a shepheards crook at which the scholler was much puzled . wherefore the abbot commanded him to look that word in the dictionary , where having lookt , he crys out pedo , pedis , pedere , which signifies to fart , at which the rest broke forth into a loud laughter ; the abbot being thereat very angry , struck one of them , saying , you rascal , do you laugh , whilst we are talking of sacred things . a priest living in popish ignorance , and willing to prove the parish must pave the church , and not he , proved it out of the old testament , in these words , paveant illi , non illi , non paveam ego . an english man being in the company of a french man , said in praise of his country , that we give the lyon , the prince of all beasts , for our armes ; the french man replyed , 't is true ; yet , leo gallum per horrescit . two shavelings ( alias fryers ) were in disputation , whether god had made more worlds then one ? the one of them alledged that passage in the gospel , concerning the cleansing of ten leapers , being christs words , annon decem facti sunt mundi ? the other having had recourse first to the text , answered him as learnedly with the words following , sed ubi sunt illi novem . a certain man in spain , being to be markt in the fore-head for having three wives , one said he might be spared , for he was markt in the forehead when he had but one wife . witty sayings of a french jester . that a physician was naturally brother to the wormes , because he was engendred out of mans corruptions . he adviseth all men to be kind & courteous to hemp : being askt the reason , quoth he , it is the most revengeful thing in the world : for if a man beat it , especially in bridewel , it is a hundred to one , but it will be the death of him shortly after . standing by some swearing at play , he said , he that swears when he looseth his money by gameing , may challenge hell by way of purchase . he said a prodigal was like a brush , which spent it self to make others go handsome in their apparrel . seeing a man in the pillory ; he said , that certainly there must be a great deal of pleasant oratory in it , or else men would not have their eares nailed to it . he said , that antiquaries love every thing as duch-men do cheese , for being mouldy and worm-eaten . he contradicted one for saying , that the players in paris had but an idle employment ; sure sir ( said he ) you are mistaken , for their whole lives are nothing but action . being asked by one , how he should use tobacco that it might do him good , he answered , you must keep a tobacco shop , and sell it , for certainly there are none else find good in it . he said , that poetry and plain dealing were a couple of handsome wenches , and he that wedds himself to either , shall dye a beggar . he compared women to quich sands , which seemed firm , but if a man came upon them , he fell in over head and shoulders . of all trades he said , a tooth-drawer was the most unconscionable , because his trade was to take away that , whereby every man gets his living . and that a hangman's profession was the most contemplative of all others , because he never was to work , but he was put in mind of his own end . seeing some reapers in harvest time , he told them , that corn was a quarrelsome creature , because it rose by the blade , and fell by the ears with those that cut them . that colliers and mine-workers should be well acquainted with all philosophical secrets of the earth , because they have deeper knowledge in it then any others . that drawers and tapsters should be men of great esteem , because they are men not only of an high calling , but also of a great reckoning . of all knaves ( he said ) there was the greatest hope of a cobler , for though he be ever so idle a fellow , yet he is always mending . one time seeing a tall man , he said , that for certain he must needs be a great polititian , because he had an extraordinary reach . he said a squint eyed man could not but be very circumspect , since he looked so many ways at once . that glasiers might be chosen , and concluded good deciders of controversie , or arbitrators , for they spend most of their time in composing of quarrels . that carpenters were the civiliest and honestest of all men , for they never do their business without a rule . that physicians of all men had the best on 't , for if they did well , the world did proclame it , if ill , the earth did cover it . that vintners are very rash fellows , because they draw upon all occasions : and so expert at their weapons , that they let very few go away scot-free . that fidlers are very unfortunate in their occupation , for they never do any thing , but it is against the hair . that trumpeters are ever subject to distempers , for commonly when they are most in health , they will fall a sounding . that ostlers and horse-coursers are happy men , for let the world go how it will , and let there be never so much alteration in times and persons , yet they are still to be accounted stable-men . a person drunk one day , railing at him , he told the company he mattered not any thing what he said in his cups , for he spake nothing that he could stand to . he said , some taylors were like wood-cocks , because they lived by their long bills . that a prison is a good instrument of reformation , for it makes many rogues and lewd fellows , staid men . discoursing of a common-wealth , he said , that in that of fishes there are many officers , herring is the king ; the sword-fish his guard ; lobsters aldermen ; crabs constables , dog-fish serjeants , and their yeomen ; and poor john , or stock-fish , the common sort of people . that coblers might be said to be good men , because they set men upright , and are ever employ'd in mending souls . he said , that a tavern and houses of entertainment were the only place for men to thrive in , for he said , he had seen many a score made there . that carriers are wise men , for they will not meddle with any thing , but they will know of what moment and weight it is . that painters were cunning fellows , for they had a colour for what ever they did . he said , that court-gallants had reason to be good schollars , by reason they were deep in many books . one was saying to him , that some letters in the hebrew alphabet were longer then any other whatever : that 's not so , said he , for in ours we have one , an l long . that glovers get a great part of their living , by cutting purses , and are never punish'd for it . seeing on a time a man with a great nose and thin beard , he said that the shadow of that mans long nose hindered the growth of his beard . hearing of a wench ( that was bred on the alms of the parish ) who had left one of her bastards to be kept by them also , i commend her , said he , for her gratitude ; having done like the grateful stork in holland , for it is reported of them , that they never depart but leave one of their young behind them , in recompence of the kindness they received from their land-lord . he was wont to say , that the portuguise seems a fool , and is so ; the spaniard seems wise , and is a fool ; the french seems a fool , and is wise ; the englishman is wise , but cannot show it ; and the dutchman would be wiser , were it not for his liquor . well , said he , may sick persons be called patients , since they suffer so much by their physitians . he said , that soldiers in peace , were like chimneys in summer . a bull prologue . supposedly writ by sr. w.d. you who sitting here , do stand to see our play , ( which must this night , be acted here to day . ) be silent pray , though you aloud do talk : stir not a jot , though up and down you walk , for every silent noise the players see , will make them mute , and speak full angerly . o stay but here until you do depart , gently your smiling frowns to us impart . and we most thankless thankful will appear , and wait upon you home , but yet stay here . a bull letter . my dear and only son , yet dear thou ant not to me , i must needs say ; for thou hast cost me nothing yet , but the pains i took to bring thee into the world , and since to maintain thee at home , and when but a boy , i seeing thee a lusty man , i sent thee my dear child to london , and gave thirty pounds to prentice with thee . i hear to my comfort , thou do'st want for nothing , neither cloaths , nor victuals ; yet fearing that provision thou canst not come to at all times , i have sent thee a cheese marked f thine one father-in-lawes christen-name , and i have sent thee also an old cloak of thine uncles , to make thee a new coat on 't . thou knowest i love thee too well , and therefore least thou shouldst abuse it , i would not have thee see it ; to that end i have sent thee up twenty shillings by the carrier , but thou must not know i sent it . thy sister is sick a bed though thanks be to god very well recovered , and so i rest as long as i live , and after death , thy ever loving , &c. bulls . one hearing mackerel cryed on a sabbath day ; seemed to wonder at it , and askt of his friend why it was suffer'd ; said the other , there are two sorts of fish which are allow'd to be cryed on sunday , and they are milk and mackerel . two scullogues or vulgar irish men talking after their wises rate together , said one , charles the first is dead , god bless him ; now if charles the second ( god bless him ) dye , must not james d●ke of yorke be called chales the third . there are three things ( said one ) and all of them begin with one letter which are very hurtful , nay destructive to mankind , and they are wine , women , and tobacco . one protested to me that he knew a fellow would wright a hand as good as most men , with his toes . another speaking of the thunder and lightning we had much about the time of that dreadful tempest which did so much mischief in holland , said , lord what a horrible tempestuous night we had yesterday morning . two fellows bragging what brave houses their masters kept at christmas , says one , my master kills every day an ox. pish said the other , my master kills an ox and a half . one brought a butcher before a justice for killing a cow that dy'd in a ditch of her own accord , and selling her flesh in the market . one told another with indignation that he had received an affront from a very goose ; oh said the other , i know what goose you mean ; i am sure 't is a goose with too legs . an ignorant she-cockney seeing a goose with many young goslins , said , she wondred how she could suckle them all . a gentleman and his man walking in the fields , the man observed a fellow riding on a cow ; look master says he , yonder 's a fellow rides on horseback on a cow , that 's a bull , says the master ; no sir , says the man , i know it is a cow by his teats . one walking with his friend , and both very poor , met with an old acquaintance grown rich , look ●ard one , don't you see who goes yonder , that wont see us ; yes , said the other , he sees us w●ll enough , though he will not look upon us . a gentleman going by water with his friend , ●ell into some discourse , which the busie waterman understanding , put in for a share in their discourse ; one of the gentlemen being angry hereat , told him , he was a saucy busie fellow , in that he must have an oar in every mans boat , and bade him hold his tongue ; but he continuing his babling , i protest said the gentleman , as they were in the middle of the thames , if thou dost not hold thy tongue the sooner , i will knock thy head and the wall together . a grave citizen of london , though not so wise as he should be , talking with some of his neigbours concerning his shop , he had then newly rebuilt after the fire ; truly ( said he ) i think i have contrived it to the best advantage , for it hath the morning sun all day long in it . 't was at first when the fashion of gray freeze came up amongst the gentry , especially for riding suits , that a wise-acre considering that it was then a-la-mode , asked if there were no black of that colour , for he had a mind to have a coat of it . one exclaiming against another who ran away in his debt , a pox light on him ( said he ) i am sure i lent him six and f●rty good shillings all in half crowns . when guinneys were first coyned they were a great rarity in the countrey ; one coming from london more gallant then wise , seeing the people so eager to see them , alas ( said he ) throwing down two or three of them , these are so common in london , that you cannot receive forty shillings , but you must take seven or eight of them whether you will or no. one being chid by his friends for wearing his nailes so long ; i can assure you said he , i pare them every foot . after the sad and dismal fire in london , when nothing was left standing , but ruines , one passing by as they were pulling down a wall ; have a care , have a care ( crys he to the labourers ) for i see the foundation just tumbling on your heads . one sitting at supper his cat past to and fro through his armes , brushing her tail against his mouth , this so offended him , that in a rage he cuts off the tip of her tail , saying , i think now mrs. puss , i have given you an ear-mark : for the present the cat absented her self , but the next day came again according to her wonted manner ; whereupon in a fury , says he , why , how now you troublsome bitch are you come again , i thought i had given you your break-fast last night . a carpenter being at work in a bowling-green , was askt , what he was doing ? i am making a bench for the standers by to sit upon . a scholar meeting a poor ignorant fellow on the road , how far friend ( says he ) to cambridge ? faith sir i know not ( says he ) but from cambridge to this town is counted seven miles . a physitian visiting a sick woman , and finding her lye on her back , advised her to lye on her side , 't is very right mr. doctor ( said her husband ) i always told her , her back was the worst ●ide for her to lye upon , and she would never believe me . prythee said one , why dost thou wear one of thy stockens the wrong side outwards ? o ( said he ) it hath a hole on the other side . a company of fellowes in the height of their mirth threw tobacco pipes one at another . tom with a piece of pipe hit john in the face , but tom denyed that he did it , well it was ill done of you tom , though said john , who ever did it . two quarrelling in a tavern were prevented from fighting by the company , well ( said the one ) though i am hindred from having my revenge now , know that i will kick thee down stairs where ever i meet thee . one in february drinking march bear which was very mellow , complained of the newness of it , saying , sure this march-beer cannot be above six weeks old . a tobacconist who had fum'd away that little under standing he had , hearing some praise and others dispraise his tobacco , said , well gentlemen you may say what you please ; but a sweeter and cleaner tobacco you never saw , for i am sure there is neither leaves nor stalks therein . a precise presbyterian , hearing much swearing in a bowling-green , said , fie gentlemen , forbear , it is god's great mercy the bowling-green doth not fall on your heads . a customer asking a barber where he might have some water to wash his hands , yonder ( said he ) there is some in that empty tub. one said , that the wind changed very often that day ; for ( said he ) i went up corn-hill in the morning , and it was in my back , and in less then half an hour returning i found it in my face , going up thither again in the afternoon , i found it in my back again . one seeing his son play roguish tricks , why sirrah ( said he ) did you ever see me do so when i was a boy as you are ? a very noted bull-maker lying on his death-bed desired of his friends when buried , that they would for an epitaph onely write these words on his tombstone , here lies honest ralph , as dead as any man living . one amner the great bull-maker of windsor , tumbling one day over a form , a pox on 't ( said he ) i have burnt my shins . a barber , in the countrey , seeing his neighbour cut down a pear-tree askt him for some of it , why , what would you do with it said the other , i would ( replyed he ) make some b●x combs thereof . a gentleman both foolish and covetous hearing his steward say , he had killed him a bullock against the holy-days ; what ( said he ) do you mean to undoe me by such extravagant expences ; i will have but halk a one kill'd at a time . one bid his shoo-maker make one of his boots bigger then the other , and when he brought them home , a pox on you for a rogue ( said he ) i bid you make one bigger , and you have made one less . a mechanick in the late licentious times , when every sordid tradesman took afreedome to prate what he would instead of preaching ; i say this fellow usurping the pulpit , would needs be in his comparisons , ( said he ) the wicked keep company and flock together as beasts , birds , and fishes : the whoremasters keep one another company , as goats on the mountains : the whorish , baby lonish priests keep company , as rooks , daws and crows seperate themselves , so do drunkards meet together in numbers , accompanying each other even as the white herrings swim together by themselves , and the red herrings by themselves . one ordering the cloath to be taken away having dined , and having poultrey , said hastily , pray be sure save the chickens for the crums . a fishmonger looking on a well-boat building to keep his fish alive therein , observing but few holes , cryed out , d' ye hear you carpenter , the holes are not full of boats enough . one of the vergers of the king's chappel ( a noted bull-maker ) coming in one sunday morning , observed his brother had placed several of his friends in divers pews before any of the nobility , &c. were come , being angred at this , he came running to the other verger , saying , prithee , what hast thou done , you have almost half filled the chapple before any one is come . the same man at another time meeting his god-son , askt him , whither he was going ? to school said the boy . that 's well done ( said he ) there is a tester , be a good boy and follow thy book , and i hope i shall live to hear thee preach my funeral sermon . one who took great delight in cock-fighting , kept game-chickens , who had made themselves bald by fighting , seeing them in that condition , he complained to his friend , saying , i don't know what i shall do with my chickens , for what with fighting , and what with creeping under the pens , these today things have scrub'd all their hair of their heads . the same man came running to me one day and complained grievously of the unkindness of the church-wardens ; why , what 's the matter ( said i , ) the matter quoth he ; why , they have divided my pew , and thine which is next it , into one . a country attorney lying in grays ●un lane over against the gate , lest one day ( as it is usual ) a note in his door , to signifie where he was gone , but the contents of this note were very unusual ; for thus he writ , i am gone to the grays-inn-walks tavern , if you cannot read what here is written , ca●y it over the way to a stationers , and he will do it for you . a gentleman more welthy then wise travell'd into italy with his tutor , to gather understanding ; being in company a flattering french-man praised the hilt of the english-man's sword extreamly , whereupon the gentleman being of a free spirit , told him , it was at his service , his tutor seeing this , was vext to some purpose , wherefore taking his opportunity he chid his pupil for indiscretion , telling him , he might have found twenty ways to have excused himself for not panting with his sword , particularly thus , that truly it should be at his service , but that it was a gift of a dear friend , and withal , that he had a dagger of the same : well said the young gentleman , i will beware for the time to come ; the french-man coming one morning into his chamber very much prais'da pair of slippers that he then wore ; truly ( said the young gentleman ) they should be at your service , but that i have a dagger of the same . a reverend justice in the county of norfolk being willing to befriend an old servant of his that had stoln a mare ; said ( as he sate upon the bench ) gentlemen of the jury , this poor fellow was once my servant , and as honest a fellow as ever trod on shoo of leather , however he came now to steal a mare , which is fellony as i take it , and therefore ought to be hang'd ; but pray consider that he is very penitent , i can assure you , and will never do so again ; wherefore to save his life , pray go out and find it manslaughter . it is reported of a mayor of an inland town in the west countrey , in the time of the civil wars , calling his brethren together to consult the safeguard of the town , from the injury of the approaching enemy , said , brethren let us seperate our selves together , and let us with great inconsideration endeavour to fortifie the town ; in short , it is my opinion , that there is nothing more to be done , but to make the walls navigable . a gentleman who had liv'd long enough to be wiser , had a maid-servant who was married out of his house , several years after , she came to visit her old master , who at the sight of her was much over-joy'd , and made much of her , amongst many other questions he askt her , how many children she had ? to which she replyed ; sir , i have none and never bad any . sayst so , that 's very strange , that such a buck-some young woman as you are should have no child ; but now i think on 't , what a fool was i to ask that question , for now i well remember thy mother bad no child neither . a sea captain newly came a shore , was invited to a hunting match , after the sport was over , coming home , he related to his friend what pastime he had abroad , in this manner ; our houses being compleatly rag'd , we man'd them , and the wind being at west southwest ( twenty of us being in company ) away we stood over the downs , in a time of half a watch we spy'd a hare under a full gale , we tackt and stood after her , coming up close , she tackt and we tackt , upon which tack , i had like to have run a ground , but getting close off , i stood after her again , but as the devil would have it , just about to lay her aboard , baring too much wind , i and my horse over-set , and came keel upward . a foolish gentleman riding upon the road with his man , was perswaded to ride faster , or else they should come late into their ian ; for said his servant it is eight a clock by my watch , prythee said his master put thy watch an hour backwards , and then we may ride ●eisurely , having time enough . the same gentleman bid his man the next morning early , look out of the window and see whether it was day , the man looking out , told his master , it was yet as dark as pitch , you fool ( said he ) if it be so dark , how canst thou see day unless thou 〈◊〉 canale . one askt another , whether he had read such a book from end to end : that 's a bull said the other , for a book hath a beginning and an end● but inever heard before , that it hath two ends ; it may be so said he ; and you may as well say , that you never heard of a man that could begin a psalm backwards . a gentlewoman seeing her servant go undecently about the house with her sleeves stript up to her arm-pits , call'd hastily to her , saying , i wonder wench thou wilt go up and down thus with thy armes about thy elbows . one askt another , what news from the sessions-house ? why , said he , there were four condemned , and three were whiz'd in the fist ; one where of i am confident was burnt in the hand with a cold iron . one was telling what a stratagem a bayliff used to take a person indebted , who lay concealed , and would not stir abroad , said he , to cause the people of that house wherein the person was , to open the door to see what was the matter , he ran to and fro in sight of the house stark naked in his shirt . one commending his own writing said , that he knew very few that writ better than himself ; you talk like a fool said the other , you write , you sh — i know a fellow that will write with his toes a better hand than you . one askt another at sea if he were forced to it , which he had rather loose his legs or his arms ; in troth said the other , i had rather lose my legs ; for should i loose my hands , where ever i went i could not help my self , but sit with my hands in my pockets . two travelling over shot-over-hill to oxford , said one , this shot-over-hill is a fine place for a wind-mill ; i said the other if there were any probability of forcing water hither . a countrey-manseeing a great many stones piled up in st. paul church-yard , said to his friend , i wish i had a good quantity of these stones at home : what would you do with them said the other ? why , said he , with those stones i would build a brick-wall round my house , a traveller swore , that in the deserts of arabia he had seen a vnicorn with two hornes . one complaining to another of the unkindness of his supposed friend , said , i no sooner turn'd my back but he abus'd me to my very face . one at dinner demanded of another what part of the bullock a clod of beef was , the other laught at his ignorance , and told him it was the shoulder bone of the flanck . one seeing an orchard whose trees were very full of pears , askt one what the owner intended to do with them all , o says he , he sells them to bakers to make two penny apple pies . a fellow that was rob'd complain'd , saying , the thieves had stolen all his brass and pewter excepting one iron pot. two passing the streets in a serious discourse were interrupted by a dumb beggar , sirrah ( said one ) don 't you see we are busie , therefore leave off your importunity , or i 'le set you packing , and thereupon lifted up his foot to kick him . o fie said his friend , will you kick a dumb man ? is he dumb said the other ? why did he not tell me so . many dining together at one ordinary , made a match to play at bowles , but one would play but two shillings rubbers ; before i will play for so little ( said the other ) i will sit down and walk horses . one indeavouring to prove which of all creatures was longest liv'd , swore that an eel lived longest after it was dead . one passing the ferry at hampton court , the ferry-man's wife at that time officiated , whereat he wondred , saying , i never tell now saw a woman ferry-man . one being sentenced to dye fell on his kne●s and begg'd of the judge to spare him his life for his poor wifes sake and his fatherless children . one relating to his friend how hard hedrank the day before , said , faith tom i bore my drink better than any of them for a long time , but at length , finding i could neither go nor stand , i sneakt away and ran home as hard as i could drive . one was telling another , how healthful it was to live in a good air , and how un who lesome in a bad , in troth i believe you sail be , for i my self lived in a fenny , unhealthy air , where if i had lived till this time , i am sure ; i should have been dead seaven years ago . a person boasting how good his credit was , said , that he knew a scrivener who would at any time lend him forty pound on his own bond without either scrip or scrowl . one coming into an inn , askt the host , how long he had lived there , not three days yet , sir , said he , the other pausing a while , askt how many barrells he drew a week . a person of quality in a church , coming near the place where his ancestors were buried , after he had prais'd them for worthy men , well , said he , if i live i will be buried by them . two playing at tick-tack for mony , he that lost , desired they might play a while for nothing ; now he that before had lost so many games , now won more , whereupon he said to the other , when we play for money you always beat me , but if you will play for nothing , i will play with you for an hundred pounds . two walking together in a cloyster , and boasting of their running , one said to the other , do you run this way , and i 'le run that way , and i 'le hold you ten pounds i meet you , before you meet me . a purblind fellow in a thick foggy morning , passing through cheapside ran against a post , and taking it for a man said , i cry you mercy ; and presently running against another , said , i cry you mercy again sir , truly i think you and i shall meet in heaven . a captain seeing a very proper man , askt who he was , his name is jackson said one , i have heard of one jackson who fought a duel with talbot and was slain , said he , this is not that jackson is it ? one passing by a polterers shop , and feeing a goodly swan lying upon a stall said , i wish that swan were mine , why said the other , what would you do with it if it were , why said he , i would make a goose-pye on 't against christmass . one seeing a parcel of merry companions , said , i marry sir , now i see you are merry in sober sadness . one going into an ale-house , call'd for a pot of all ale with a little beer in 't . a hireling player being deny'd the augmentation of his wages , grew angry , and said , if you wont , you shall see me in ireland within these two dayes . a foolish fellow making lamentable faces , was askt what was the matter , o said he , i have such a pain in my thigh , that i cannot lift my hand to my head. a blind minister coming to speak with a gentleman , his man came and : told him , that the old blind minister was come to see him . one who had been in the east-indies , swore he had seen an entire chrystal rock of pure-gold . one falling from his horse , and pitching on his head , ran amongst a company of people standing by , and swore his neck was broken . one complaning to his friend , how many crosses he groaned under , said , my vexations are so great , i wish my self out of this life , or out of the world , i care not whether . one threatning another absent , meaning to say , that where e're he met him he would kill him , though he found him pissing against a wall , swore hastily , that where e're he met him , he would run him through a wall pissing . one rebuk'd his friend , for calling one son of a whore , for said he , you know his mother hath the general repute of a very honest vvoman . it is true replyed the other , i know his mother to be an honest woman , and yet he is the son of a whore for all that . one having his head broken at the bear-garden in several places , coming home , desiring his wife to have a great care of him , for said he , i have ten broken heads at least . one praysing much the lord mayor of that present year ; another standing by , said , he had seen a thousand better . another much alike . one complaining of the badness of trade in smithfield , said , he had seen an hundred and an hundred bartholomew-fairs , but never came a worse then that . one said , he would never endure the moon again , for said he , the quean served me a slippery trick in faith the other night ; for she did light me along very well till i came to a ditch , and then slipping behind a cloud , she let me fall in . one being in the water , desired his friend to come in also , to which he replyed , he could swim no more then a dog , being entreated the second time , said , i protest i can swim no more then a post , and being prest the third time , said he , why then i vow and protest i can swim no more then a goose . one said , it was ten miles from london to barnet , the other said it must be more , for it was so far to his knowledge forty years ago , and sure miles , as all other things have their encrease . one complaining of the folly of the age , swore men were wiser in future times then now . one being desired to sit down to dinner , said , i thank you kindly , but i can eat nothing , for i have had a long time no more stomach then a horse . a country fellow askt what sir copplestone banfields christian name was ? he answered , he had almost forgot , but certain he was , that it was either richard , or thomas one excusing himself to his friend , for lying a bed so long , said , he came home very late last night : why , how late was it , said the other ? in troth said he , it was five a clock in the morning . one looking in a latin book , was askt by a friend that over-lookt him , whether he could read it or no ? to whom he replyed , yes indifferently , but it is the most broken english that e're i saw . a fellow hearing one cry sandwich carrets , went to the cart , and looking on them , said , these are not sandwich carrets , indeed said the carter but they are ; whereupon said the other , they may be sandwich carrets , but i will lay my life , they were sown and reapt in london . one seeing a large fat bull , said , i wish i might have a pair of that bulls cow-heels when she is kill'd . a gentleman man hearing his friend spake very impertinently , said , was ever calf so brought to bed of a bull before . one jearing a young saylor , said , he was a fresh water seaman . king james lying sick , one prayed that he might raign as long as the sun and the moon should endure , and the prince his son after him . one having lost his gloves , said , i am so forgetful , that in my conscience i should loose my britch , did i carry it about me . one being newly marryed , being discovered by another to walk discontentedly , said , friend , since thou hast chang'd thy condition , thou walkest up and down like an image . one having a cane in his hand , in merriment , offer'd to strike at his friend therewith , prythee , said the other , leave off fooling , it is ill jesting with edge tools . one said , he had rid his horse till h● had never a dry threed about him . one askt another , how he liked that glass of white wine which they then were drinking ; marry , said he , i never drank wine that pleased me so well , and is so good in every respect , yet to speak the truth ; i have drank better in france . one being advised to go to sea , because he was in debt , no says he , i will not venture my life for my liberty ; let me tell you this in short , i know the sea is dangerous , wherefore i say , i had rather travel all the world over by land , then cross that herring-brook , st. georges channel . one having an extream cough , said , is one cough be so troublesome , what should a man do if he had twenty . one being perswaded to tell a tale , to make the rest merry , says he , i can tell you anotable tale , but to say the truth , at present i cannot remenber one word of it . a very old country churl , said , that the days in queen elizabeths time for exceeded ours for length , for now four and twenty hours to a day is counted a great matter . one going to a house of office , fie upon 't , says he , there is an odorifferous house indeed ; i warrant they eat no sweet meats , that leave these foul sents behind them . one askt another which was the best pot-hearb ; why says he , in my opinion a good fat leg of mutton is the best pot-hearb in the po● one speaking of the weather , and the season of the year , we are like says he , to have a backward spring , for st. matthews day lights on a holy-day . one seeing a swan fluttering in the water , said , what an ass is yonder goose rather to live dabling in the water then on dry land. one riding on a pack-saddle to redding on a tyred jade , says he , i never rid harder in my life , considering the slowness of my pace . a justice examining a poor thieving scholar , said sirrah , you are an arch rogue , but take heed ; for if you be once hang'd , your book cannot save you from the gallows . a cobler complaining to a brother that he could not drink his ale in quiet for a scolding wife , well , says he , it is no matter , for though she should cut my throat and thy throat , yet we will still drink our ale together . a traveller complained to his host , that he was much gaul'd in riding ; how came that to pass , said he , i 'le tell you said the other ; my saddle was soft enough , but i believe my breech came to be galled by riding over a long broken stony causey . one taking leave of his friends , said , well , since we must part , affection will break out of these dry eyes , but farewell and be hang'd , i can but wish you well . one going on the ice , it crackt under him , well said he , if the ice should break i shall be over head and ears , but 't is no matter , i can swim if i were at the bottom of the water . god forgive me says one , i seldom pray but when it thunders , and then i can remember , forty years ago , for fear will quicken a dead mans wits . one having his candle knawn every night by the mice , says he , i will let my candle burn every night , and then i shall be sure , to save it from such destructive vermine . two butchers seeing their dogs fighting , one crys out , the brinded dog proves the better man my life on 't . one asking whence lobsters were brought , the other replyed , one might easily know their countrey by their coat , one sort are fetcht certainly from the black-sea , and the other from the red-sea . one commended his son for a good scholar , for said he , he can read in any thing without book at first sight . a gentleman in a tavern seeing a salt-sellar of foul salt before him , call'd very angerly to the drawer , biding him bring up some fresh salt presently . mr. amner with some of his friends was invited to a funerall not far from windsor , where coming and finding the house full of company , they went into an arbour , having sate there a great while , mr. amner went in to know when the corps would go to church , but finding it gone , he came hastily to his friends , saying to them , come , come , what do you mean to stand fitting there . they are gone , and pointing over the pale , and shewing them the corps and people in the next field , he said , do you not see ? they are out of fight already . at another time he complained to his friend , saying , never was man so abused for coming over datchet-ferry , a scurvy woman water-man put over the boat and landed me clean in the myre . the same mr. amner hearing some of his neighbours perswading one to go into the water with them in the summer time , who could not swim ; said he , neighbour be perswaded for once by me , never go into the water till you have perfectly learned to swim . being asked , whether an intimate friend of his , lately dead , had left him a legacy ? no in faith , quoth he , not a tester to drink his health . about the year , 1671 , there was an insurrection in dublin about the building a new bridge over the liffee , some time after , one of these fellows , who was known to be actuall in it , was brought before a justice for some misdemeanour , the justice knowing him , said , sirrah , sirrah , you shall be hang'd if the law will do it , you are a notorious rogue , i remember you in the last resurrection . this justice having rid very hard , his horse grew sick , whereupon he complained , saying , well , well , i have done very ill to ride my horse thus hard , i doubt hee 'l hardly ever be his own man again . a discreet alderman of oxford told some of his brethren , that they should overthrow the university in a law-case ( which was then in agitation ) if by searching the antient records , they could prove henry the second to have been before henry the first . one being to take a journey into the country , was advised by a friend of his not to go that day , for certainly ( quoth he ) it will rain ; pish ( replyed the other ) it is no matter for rain so it hold up under foot . one reading the history of elisha in the old testament , and how the children mocked him , read thus , and there came three she boars ( instead of bears ) out of the forrest , and devoured them . another reading part of an epistle in the new testament , read for salure epaphras , the chosen of the lord , salute epaphras , the cozen of the lord. the same man reading of the uncovering the house in the gospel , to let down the diseased , read , and they let them down in coaches , for couches . another reading the parable of the sower , having it as he thought by heart , and not much minding the book , but did half read it thus , said , and some seed fell among stones , and the stones grew up and choaked it . the same at another time read , and the sheep eat up one of the mountains ? for the sheep eat upon the mountains . another being to read that of st. paul in the acts , hebraei sunt , sum et ego ; read ; ebraei sunt , sum et ego , and was at that time drunk indeed . another taking his text of the feast in the gospel , how camest thou hither without thy wedding garment ? and the man was speechless ; divided it thus . first a question , how camest thou hither , &c. secondly , a answer , and the man was speechless : one walking abroad in a clear moon shine night , said , it was as fine a night as a man shall see in a sommers day . a young scholar was very much perplexed , because in all his dictionary he conld not find what was latin for aqua vitae . one told a melancholy man , that if he liv'd long that sad kind of life , he would dye shortly . a scholar having a very little study , and a company in his chamber desiring to see it , he told them , in faith gentlemen , if you all go in , it will not hold you . a country fellow having seen a gay gentlewoman in a pair of sattin slippers , describing her attire to his companion , said , that the upper leather of her slippers was sattin . a gentleman o're taking another on the way , said , well o're taken sir , the other replyed , and so are you . pleasant stories . a noblemans revenge on a bold serjeant . in poictiers in france a nobleman owing a considerable summ of money , his creditors were resolved to arrest him , let it cost them ever so much ; they soon met with a fellow for their purpose , one who was as impudent as valiant , for he would venture upon the greatest difficulty . one day he met with this lord , and boldly coming up to him , told him what he was , and his business ; the lord made no resistance , but smothering his displeasure and revenge bid the serjeant come along with him ( it being about noon ) he said , he would first dine , and then consider what was to be done . the lord went to a cabaret , or tavern , and having bespoke dinner he privately sent away for some of his servants and then fell into discourse with this serjeant , who began to mistrust some mischief ensuing , and therefore made a thousand simple excuses for enterprising that bold attempt ; the lord said little to him till he had din'd and then he called to one of his gentlemen to bring him a pair of sissers , being brought , go now said he , and pair that fellows nails very close , pointing to the serjeant ; he seeing there was no avoiding it , patiently endured it , although the gentleman cut his nails to the very quick ; this being done , the lord came to him , saying , now , sir , i am assured you cannot scratch me , and i am resolved you shall not be able to bite me neither , so forcing him into a chair he caused his teeth to be drawn out one by one ; now , sir , ( said he ) have a care of abusing the next time any of my rank and quality ; yet now , sir , i will be kind to you after all this , i will sweeten your sauce for you● ; so causing him to be stript stark-naked , he commanded honey to be brought , with which he annointed him all over and roll'd him in feathers : never did african monster appear so strange and ridiculous ; lastly , he caused a label to be fixt to his back , wherein were written these words , this is anti-christ . now said the noble-man , i shall take my leave of you , not without extending my civility farther in your behalf , i doubt you may be indisposed , and therefore you shall ride home ; hereupon this poor devil in feathers was mounted , with his hands tyed behind him , and his face to wards the tail of his horse , and so led through the streets to the great wonder and laughter of the people . the contented cuckold . a nobleman of france did very lately fall in love with a citizens wife of paris , and left no means unattempted till he had made her all compliance : this lord being one day at court saw the husband of this female friend come into the palace 〈◊〉 , and by enquiry sound that his business would not quickly be dispatcht , whereupon away he slunk out of the court , and got privately ( as he thought ) into the house o this citizen , but it seems he was discovered by this citizens brother , who detested the debauchery of his sister , and therefore presently dispatcht away a messenger to court to acquaint his brother what unhappily he had discovered . the citizen presently takes his alarm , and thinking his feet too flow , took coach and drove je●like , to hinder what was allready past prevention . his wife hearing a coach come in that furious manner to her door , imagin'd she was betray'd , and therefore advised the lord that was in bed with her to rise and abscond himself in a place she had provided , in case any such discovery should happen : hearing as he thought some body coming up stairs , for hast left his cloaths on the bed , which shee seeing , in as great haste and confusion , threw them into a chest , but so unadvisedly , that the embroidered sleeve of the doublet hung out , of which she took no notice , but fell to dressing her self as little concern'd , as if she had no more harm in her than in a little female devil newly arrived at the teens , her husband entring the chamber , said , madam , i understanding that my lord came to visit you this morning , i thought he might also have some business of great importance to whisper in my ear , and this made me return sooner than you expected . the gentlewoman confidently replyed , that he was mis-informed , for there had no body been with her that day . her husband looking about the room espied the lords embroydered sleeve hang out of the chest , and ask't whose it was , and how it came thither , this subtle woman , who like the rest of her sex , never wants an excuse in time of extremity , replyed , ( but trembling ) sweet heart , i beg your pardon , for my forgetfulness ; a● gentlewoman , wanting money brought it me to shew you , defiring to have but forty crowns lent upon it ; let mee see it ( said he ) and looking upon it presently knew whose it was , and without discovering any passion , pull'd off his own coat , and put on that embroydered with gold ; when he had so done , come come said he , i must examin your wardrobe , and looking into the chest found what appertain'd thereunto , as hat , cravat , breeches , &c. which he took up and habited himself therewith from top to toe ; being thus gallantly , nay , nobly attired , ●he struts to and fro the chamber , admiring himself in his walk , and when he had left off adoreing himself , said he , now prethee wife tell me , don't i look like a lord ? have not i his very mein ? i cannot believe but i am one now ; do thou believe so to , and we shall hug one the other oftner ; but all this while i pitty the poor gentleman that owns them , for doubtless he hath been at play to night , and losing all , is forced to deposit his garments , and is it may be now a cold for his heat of fancy . this noble-man being in a strange confusion , knew not what to do , nor say ; at length collecting a little courage , she had the confidence to say , sir , you strangely impose upon me ; for why is it not as-lawful for me to go to the court of aids , as for you to go so often to the exchange ? no , replyed he since you have fitted me for the court , i'●e no more to the exchange ; and thereupon instantly went down stairs , and calling for a coach , ordered the coach-man to drive him instantly to the palace royal , where dismounting , he betook himself to the long gallery , where the nobility usually frequented , at his approach , the eyes of all the court were upon him , every one wondering what this fine thing should be , after several opinions were spent upon him , it was concluded by the most , that as he was a stranger , he could by his habit be no less than a nobleman ; at length a courtier , drawing near to caress and complement this noble stranger , looking steadfastly in his face , knew him , and cryed out aloud , o the devil , is it you mr. coqu●lineux ; and thereupon made all the haste from him he could to inform his majesty first of a strange sight was newly come to court , viz. his mercer as fine as any lord. his majesty commanded him to be brought in , which was as the other designed and desired . at first fight the king knew the person , and to whom those fine cloathes properly belong'd , and was strangely surprized at the fight of both so improperly conjoyn'd . at length says the king , coquelineux , prythee thy meaning for this thy phantastical appearance : wouldst thou by this garb ( because i am in thy books ) perswade me to make thee what thou dost personate ? though i owe thee money , yet iowe thee no such honour ; besides , if thou wouldst only barely represent a lord , thou art mistaken in the time , for this is no day of state. the mercer heard his majesty with great attention , and perceiving an answer was expected , replyed , may it please your majesty , my intent of coming hither , was to 〈◊〉 other ●nd then to restore to the right owner his due . this splendid suit with the appurtenances i found in my wives chamber , and discovered where she ●ad laid them by the sle●ve of this embroydered coat hanging out of the chest carelesly : upon a full view , i asks whose they were ; she very ingeniously told me , a gentlewoman brought them to her to shew to me , to know how much i would lend upon them , but i mistrusting they may be stoln from some person of quality , thought fit to put them on , and walk publickly at court , for by that means the right owner may come to a better knowledge of his goods by sight , than any discription . the king could not forbear laughing heartily to see so much seeming honesty , and simplicity in his mercer ; and that which added to his further mirth was the consideration of what a condition the lord was in , whom he concluded to be left without garments : now that his majesty might not lose so brave an opportunity for delight , he caused two pursuivants to be sent immediatly to the mercer's house , and there search for this noble-man , and , if found , to bring him instantly to court , sans all excuse of going any where else . this lord fearing some such design , thought any delay dangerous in staying , cloath'd himself in the habit of the m●rcer , and as an assistance to his disguise , he put on a black gown which he found hanging up , which belong'd to a doctor of physick then lying in the house ; and in this equipage thinking to go home undiscovered , as he was sneaking out of the doors he was met by the pursuivants , who knowing him by his countenance , told him in few words , what his majesty had commanded them , and that without excuse or delay he must instantly appear before his majesty : he seeing there was no avoiding it went ( not without great disorder in his thoughts ) with the officers . the king and several of the nobles seeing this lord in such an antique dress , fell into such a laughter , that they utterly forgot the civility that was due to the royal presence ; the king having laught his sides sore , had at last leisure to say ; how now cozen , whence came you ? the nobleman , who was very facetious , presently replyed , from hell i think an 't please your majesty , for i came from a bottomless pit : indeed ( said the king ) by your garb you look as if you had been a conjuring somewhere . you are in the right sir ( said the lord ) for i can assure your majesty this morning i raised the devil , and laid his damm : in short , i will tell your majesty the whole truth ; a friend of mine was in a high fever , and wanted a cooling clyster , and would have none to administer it but my self : i pittying her condition , in compliance to her desires performed this morning the part of a charitable physitian . the king by these words very well understood what his cozen had been doing , and in railery checkt him : saying , indeed you are to blame to give any woman physick without the consent of her husband ; for the time to come forbear such practices , if for no other cause than to shun making such a metamorphosis as you have done already : for see there , a mercer chang'd into a lord , and here a lord changed into a conjurer ; and so dismist them , allotting the mercer that gorgeous suit in part of satisfaction of the wrong he had received , whilst the others shame was a sufficient punishment . a french noble-man cuckolded by his servants . it is customary among the nobility , and persons of great quality in france to lye in chambers apart from those of their ladies . now there was a lord ( shall be at present nameless ) who notwithstanding his lady was as eminent a beauty as most was in france , yet he must ( forsooth ) follow the humour of the countrey ; now when at any time he had a desire to enjoy the swear embraces of hit lovely consort , rising from his own bed he would stead out in the dark in his shirt , making no noise , and knocking at his ladies chamber dore softly , she knowing his custome gave him admittance ; now besides the mode , he had another reason ( as he said ) to approve thereof , because it lookt so like whoring . having performed the necessary and obliging duty of marriage bed , he returned to his own chamber there to spend the residue of the night in an undisturbed repose . one of this lord 's valet de chambre taking notice of this humour , concluded that he might have the same admittance into his ladies chamber , and participate of the same pleasures by the same means his masters humour had inculcated into his thoughts . upon a serious consultation with himself , he concluded that night best for the accomplishing his design , in which his master had visited his lady ; about an hour after he resolved to put his lustful project in practice ; which he did so well by imitation that he got entrance : your own thoughts may inform you how they spent the time , without my putting the modest to the extrayagant expence of blushes . all i shall say is , that this fellow performed his part so vigorously and so often , that when he went from her , he left her all wonder and amazement : and that which encreas'd her admiration was not only his profound silence , although she urged him to speak to her with all the melting rhetorick she could devise , but the coming of her husband twice as she supposed ; whilst she was thus ruminating with her self being left alone , her husband stimulated more than ordinary by some provocatives he had taken the day before , comes and with his acustomed knock and whisper demanded entrance , she knowing her lords voice arose and let him in ; as he was about to prosecute his accustomed enjoyment , his lady begg'd him to forbear , urging that he was much to blame to be so inordinate in his desires : what ( said she ) could not you my lord ( since you find so great an alteration ) be content to have out done your self this night by so many repetitions , but that you must again expose your body to the injury of the cold in so short a time again ; and coming a third time , in less than two hours ? nay , nay sweet-heart this is but twice , you wrong me indeed said he : to which she replyed , that she was not mistaken , for assuredly it was so often . hereupon this gentleman began to pause upon it ; and from what he had already heard and gathered from other circumstances he verily believed that he had been abused by one of his servants ; but kept all close from his lady ( for she was a vertuous gentlewoman ) to avoid the ill consequences such a discovery might produce . having laid a while ( in which time he studied to divert his lady as he could ) he got up , and being come into his own chamber he could not rest there long , but putting on his breeches and a gown went into all his male-servants chambers that were about him , making , along as he went , a strict enquiry with his nose in every bed , for it seems this lady was well sented . there was one of whom he at length might have some grounds of suspition ; because , besides his complection which never fail'd of ardent inclination to the female sex , he was both a handsome and a very subtle fellow , but he could not tell which bed he lay in ; by chance groping up and down in the dark he sound his bed , and pulling up the cloathes smelt a perfume he was very well acquainted with ; and from thence judged this must be the rogue that had done him this dishonour ; wherefore that he might be sure to know him the next day , he took out of his pocket a pair of sizers , and snipe off one of his whiskers , for then it was the fashion to wear them . this fellow was a wake , and by this knew very well his master , and his design , first by smelling , and then by marking him , that he might be known the next day , to prevent which as soon as his master was gone , he instantly starts up ; and going into all the chambers aforesaid , cuts off ( from every one that had any ) that whisker that was on the same side of the mouth that his was on , and returns to his own bed. the servants getting up next morning , and seeing each others right whisker gone , stood staring one upon another like so many distracted bedlamites , not knowing what to say , or whom to accuse . in short , one that was known sufficiently to be an arch rogue was suspected , and thereupon some of the more passionate fell upon him and abused him most pitifully , others took his part , by which means they were all engaged by the ears ; at the noise hereof the whole house was alarmed , and running to see what was the matter , they were so surprized with the strangeness of such a comical sight , that laying aside all respect to their lord and lady , they laught beyond measure . sure it must be very pleasant to see two such contrary passions , in one entire company , proceeding from one and the same cause . these poor semi-barbarians finding themselves laught it by their fellows , whom they observed not so abused as they were , imagining them the plotters of this mischief , and without examining whether it was so 〈◊〉 no , diverted the quarrel among themselves upon the others . now did the combat begin afresh , with more eagerness than before , which caused one to run and tell the lord , that there was a civil war commenced among his servants , and that if he came not quickly and decided the controversie their fury would utterly leave him destitute of his present attendance . hereupon his lordship commanded a cessation of arms , & commanded they should come before him ; and having cleansed themselves from the blood , each face by fighting had contracted ; ( for as they then were , one face could hardly be distinguisht from the other ) they appeared before their lord in the great hall. in the mean time he ordered his lady to be there . upon the appearance of the men , my lord and lady were possest with the same different passions as their servants ' were ; for the first was in a fury to see that traitor who had abused him ; whilst the other fell into the greatest laughter imaginable ; after a little time the half whiskers made a bitter complaint against the whole whiskers , as to the injury they had sustained in the abuse of their beards ; the defendants alledged that they were guiltless of the fact , and that for their good will in coming to part them they were assaulted by them . to end the controversie , in short , said my lord , it was i that cut off one whisker , whosoever is the owner thereof i will have his head off too for an irreparable injury he hath done me ; their former passion was now converted into another of that for fear , so that now their knees wag'd more then their hands before ; look here ( said my lord ) whose remaining whisker matcheth this in colour , he is the subject of my revenge . hereupon carrats fell on his knees , and beg'd his pardon , confessing the whole truth ; for this witty indeavour of concealment he gave him his life with the loss of his ears , and delivered him over to the abused semi-whiskers who got a blanket and to●t him so long in revenge , that they had like to to●t his bones out of his skin , as well as him out of his lordships service . a mad wooer well sitted . one wooing a widow , more to satisfie his friends , than to oblige his own inclination ; told her , that he had three qualities which she must be acquainted with before he married her . the first was , when he went abroad , and returned home he should be angry without a cause ; secondly , he must eat his meat alone ; and thirdly , that he should lye with her but once a month. if this be all ( said she ) i care not ; for as to the first , you say , you shall be angry without a cause , i will take came to give you cause enough , never fear . and for the second in eating your meat alone , do and spare not ; but it shall be after i have din'd . and as for you lying with me but once a month , take your course ; if you will not , another shall , for in that time , i shall have a months mind to another . a great noise to little purpose . in the latter end of queen elizabeths reign , there was a great rumour of an invasion , where upon great numbers of horse and foot were rais'd about london , insomuch , that the whole kingdom was terribly affrighted ; but all coming to nothing , a countrey gentleman then in the city askt his friend , to what end was all that mustering in london and middlesex . to what end ( quoth the other ? ) why to mile-end ; for there was the general muster . and to what end were so many barges , and liters sent down to block up the thames ? to what end ? why to gravesend , quoth the other . i but said the gentleman to what end was the great hurley-burley by land and water ? to what end ( quoth the other ? ) why in troth as far as i understand to no end at all . the amorous contest . the duke of lerma used , by way of magnificency and state , when he washt before dinner , to give a ring to him that held the bason , and another to him that held the ewer : one time above the rest , having a diamond ring on his finger , he made this publick proposition , that whosoever of the company could relate the saddest story in love affairs should have the ring : whereupon a gentleman there present undertook the task , and thus began . may it please your grace to understand ; that i along time served two mistresses , of different form and feature , the one as foul as the other fair ; the one loved me , whom out of meer gratitude i was obliged to shomsome respect ; the other hated me as much , as i lov'd the other beyond expression . being utterly destitute at last of all hope and comfort , i dedicated my whole time to solitude , which in a little time brought on me a desperate fever , which in the opinion of my physicians would not end , but with my life . the report hereof coming to my cruel fair ones ear , made her come to visit me , who seeing to what weakness i was reduced , smothered no longer her flame ( having for some reasons hitherto , concealed her soft passion ) but professed how endearedly she lov'd me , and how sorry she was her coyness had brought me to this condition . no cordial could so revive my spirits , neither j●lip so allay my unnatural heat , as did these sweet and melting expressions , so that in a short time i recovered my strength . her father hearing of her love , vow'd to cross it , and thereupon lockt her up from my sight ; but finding ( do what he could ) that we privately conveighed letters to one another ; he animated my rival to fight me : in short we fought , and by the happy influence of heaven , i gained the victory with my rival's death : now the law of my countrey being very severe against duels , i was forced to flye , hoping in time my friends would procure my pardon . but now to make my misery compleat , the cruel father of my mistress forced her in my absence to marry an old count his neighbour , the corruption of whose body rendred him fitter for a grave than a marriage bed. now , if your grace do judge my calamity can receive addition , and that my afflictions lay not claim to your ring , be pleased to bestow it on some more wretched than my self . he had no sooner ended his speech , but another thus began . great prince , j must begin my mournful story where this gentleman ends his . he received at once , both a pardon for the murther and a letter from his mistris to make haste into her imbraces ; the count her husband being gone a long journey , he desired me to associate him in this pleasing journey , and i willingly yielded to his invitation . arriving at the old count's castle his mistress met him with the same joy , and gladness with which the spring the sun doth entertain . long did their kisses interrupt their speech , which at length brake out into unfained protestations , how much their past miseries had indeared each to other . when they had chatted their fill , to supper we went , which finisht , a banquet succeeded , ravishing both to eye and palat. this ended , one comes in , and whispering the lady in the ear , she instantly chaug'd colour , and cry'd out , she was undone for ever , unless i did her one friendly office , which should eternally engage her to me ; having told her , i desired no greater honour than to dye in her service , she then inform'd me , that the old count her husband was returned , and newly gone to bed being very weary and expected her coming . now sir , said she , not daring to trust any of my maids , with the secret of my friend 's being here , but you and my sister , do me the favour about an hour hence to put on one of my coives , and one of my smocks and go to bed to my husband who without doubt will be asleep before you come ; if he be not , all he will do is but to hug you about the middle or kiss you , for other dalliance you need not fear him ; besides age hath not yet brusht your chin , so that it seems to me as smooth as mine ; ●this means shall i and my dearest beloved own all the fruition of loves delights to you alone . in short , sir , i was not only attentive , but obedient to her request , and into the supposed bed of the old count i went , where i was no sooner laid , but i heard him breath , and felt him stir and move towards me , whereat i shrunk away to avoid his loathsome touch ; but he mov'd still onwards , and i farther , and farther , till i lay half naked out of bed . in the morning as i was shrinking out of bed to be gone , on a suddain my friend and the countess came dancing into the chamber , he in his shirt , and she in her smock : my soul hereat was strangely divided betwixt fear and wonder , fear of my own detection , and amazement at their boldness , thinking that excess of pleasure had made them run distracted . at length coming to the bed-side drawing the curtains , each of them with a tapour in their hand shewed me the most lamentable and unpardonable errour that ever man committed , for instead of the old rotten count , there lay by me the sister of the countess , who for sprightful youth , and charming beauty nature never yet produced her like . now , when with the highest admiration i beheld this miracle of her sex , and what a heaven of happiness i , by mistake , bad lost , i hardly could refrain from laying violent hands on my self : my friend reaped his enjoyments , which i am never like to do ; for being forced to leave the castle in a very little time after i heard she is removed i know not whither , so that i must now languish and dye in the tyranny of restless desire . this spech being ended , the duke confessed that they both deserved much , but he questioned whether the counts sister deserved not as much as both , nay , more , for she knew who was in bed with her , and knowing her self so near a good turn and miss it , aggravates vexation to the very height , and therefore said , the ring to her did properly belong . a story of purgatory . the pope gave a priest a silver bason and indued it with this vertue , that whosoever dropt a french crown into it , or to that value , his friends soul should instantly upon the sound of it be delivered out of purgatory . in the town where the priest liv'd dwelt a mad debauch'd fellow , whose uncle had left him a good estate . to him this priest came , and offer'd for a french crown to free his vncles soul from purgatory . the young man replyed , it was a reasonable proposition , whereupon he took out a crown , and dropt it into the bason , then askt the priest if his uncles soul was yet out of purgatory ? i dare lay upon my life it is freed , said the priest ; which words were no sooner said , but the young man took up his mony again , and put it into his pocket , wherat the priest displeased said , if you take your mony again , his soul will again enter into purgatory . nay said the young man there is no fear of that , for if my uncle be as obstmate an old knave , dead , as he was , living , if he be once out all the devils in hell cannot get him in again . the cheater cheated a comly matronly woman ( whom i shall forbear to nominate ) lately lived in the burrough of southwark , who wanting things necessary both for the ornament of the body , and furniture of a house , held a long consultation with her self how she might effect her desires by a well contrived credit . many plots she laid , but found none of them firm enough to build the structure of her designed advantage , till she chanced to bit upon this stratagem . she had a daughter which was more ha●some than honest , and much more witty than wise , in short , both mother & daughter were as right as my leg , and as good as ver twang'd . these two consulting together , concluded thus , that they should in the first place change their habitation , but before they did it , the daughter went to one of the devils factors , alias a tally-man ( with whom the was acquainted ) and took up all the materials belonging to man's apparel , which she said was for her husband , who was returned home to receive what pay was due to him for serving his majesty by sea , against the hollander . she told her story so plausibly , expressing so much joy for his escape , and what great advantages were like to accrue to her by the valour of her husband , that the tally-man did , not only trust her with a suit of mans apparel , but furnisht her self with many necessary things she wanted . being laded with credit , home she came , and having removed all their goods to a place convenient for their future projects , the old gentlewoman plaid the changling with her sex , by throwing off her female weeds , and cloathing her self , in every respect like a man ; the young baggage for a while pretended her mother was lately dead , and that being left to the wide world , she knew not what course to steer for want of advice ; there was a young man who belonged to the sea , did court her , but she was fearful of engaging ; she at length and that in a little time had so wrought upon the affections of divers of the neighbours , partly by her good face and notable smooth tongue , that they undertook not only to advise but assist her . whereupon understanding that her sweet-heart lay as a lodger in her house , some of them came to enquire into his estate , and being very well satisfied therein , they then inquired into his resolution of marrying this young woman , he protested he loved her before any in the world , and if she would they should be marryed the next day , it was agreed upon , and accordingly the mother in a masculine habit went to church where they were marryed according to form ; great was the jollity that day , and night approaching they went to bed together , but without any hopes of reaping the sweet enjoyment of a marriage bed , but by a dream or the strength of imagination . the next day their mirth increased , neither was there any diminution of it for one whole week . having spent time enough in rejoicing , they now pretended to mind their business , the one for the house and the other abroad , who carryed her business so craftily , that she was not in the least suspected to be any other than she seemed to be , for she was a woman of an undannted spirit , and having a nimble tongue and quick invention , she had learned to bounce and huff with any bully-ruffin in the strand , holbourn , or convent-garden ; besides as a further qualification to that boystrous occupation , she could smoak , drink , and swear with any damme , within twenty miles of london ; but when she returned home , and was amongst her neighbours , she always wore the vizor of temperance and sobr●ety , never swearing , nor seldom drinking more but what might be the oyl to cheerfulness and hilarity . having gotten the good opinion of her neighbours , she was now resolved to make use of their purses , which she might easily do , by pretending she had a great deal of mony due from the navy office , and which she had not received , but should speedily ; and to confirm their belief shewed them several counterfeit tickets . this so wrought with some , that they lent her mony , and though not every one much , yet many a little makes a mickle . having enriched themselves with the spoils of others , and not during to stay any longer in that place , they secretly removed and took a house remote from the former to prevent discovery ; in this house they intended to sell all sorts of liquors for the entertainment of men , and women , and therefore the old one thought it requisite to appear in a garb suitable to that profession , which was very plain , and that she might possess the people with an opinion that she was ( as so drest ) an innocent harmless cuckold she behaved her self so simply to her supposed wife , that every one judged him what he seened , and thereupon made addresses to the young one at such convenient times as the old one went abrod on purpose , or was more than ordinary busie below ; by this means they had a very great trade , especially by that venery which was winkt at as aforesaid ; in this manner they continued a good while , and i have been credibly informed , that the mother , ( and supposed husband to her own daughter ) when she had a desire to the same satisfactions the had pimpt for her daughter , she would put on her own female habit , and sitting in the house as a customary plyer , the daughter frequently by way of a kind return , did play the bawd for the mother so long till they were apprehended , for keeping a disorderly house , and being carryed before a justice upon examination were found guilty of what was alledged against them , and so were committed to bridewell , the keeper viewing the faces of them both very strictly imagin'd he had seen before the face of the elder which personated the man , but could not for the present tell where ; at length he verily believed she had been formerly under his jurisdiction , hereupon he seized her doublet , and striping it open , found by her breasts what he had suspected ; the former justice was informed hereof , who sent for them both to appear before him , upon further examination the seeming man was found to be only a lusty woman , and mother to that young woman she had marryed ; likewise it was proved against the young woman that she had frequently drest her self in mans apparel to enjoy her amours with the greater security abroad , for which , they were both sent back again to bridewell , where they were severely lasht for their cheating metamorphosis . a cluster of choice novels in june last 1674. coming by white chappel-church , which was all new built , but the steeple ( that remaining still in its ancient homely habit ) i perceiv'd a person reading a paper which was stuck against the new walls ; being inquisitive i drew near , and found these following lines written thereon . a new church , and an old steeple , a dull doctor , and a perverse people . it happened hereupon that the gentleman and my self agreed to drink a glass of wine together , where having descanted on these lines a while , and finding me much delighted with novels that are pleasant , he made his introduction to the relation of some , by these which follow , which may be more properly called jests than stories . thus he began ; it was not long since that i was in holborn , where i saw two high hot huffing hectors ( about three quarters drunk ) justle a gentleman , who had never a sword by his side : he asking them the meaning of that rudeness and incivility , they instantly drew upon him ; it so hapned that the gentleman at that time ( he being much in debt , and fearing an arrest ) had a brace of pistols in his pockets , which he drew , cockt and presented ; at sight whereof one fled , and the other staid no longer than to say , da — me blood , sir , had you a magazeen of swords , i would have stood the shock of them all , but rot-me , i will not encounter him that carries a file of musqueteers in his pocket . another . a gentleman being very much in debt , kept close within doors , and never stir'd abroad , which made all the waitings of the bayliffs for him ineffectual , several snares they laid for him , but he by his wariness shun'd them all , till the goodness of his own nature to one , betray'd him to the cruelty of others in this manner . there was a smith who lived opposite to this gentlemans window , through which , every morning very early , for the benefit of the fresh air , he used to look out , which this vulcanian rascal took notice of ; and being before bribed by some officers for his apprehension , he thought of a way how to betray this poor gentleman into their clutches . he went and told the officers what he intended such a morning and ordered them to be ready in some ambush very near him , for he questioned not but he had studied the means infallibly to draw the gentleman out of doors . the smith having bought him a rope over night , got up very early the next morning much about the time the gentleman used to look out of his window , having got upon his grindston , he threw a rope cross a beam in his own shed , where he might be easily seen by the opposite gentleman , and having made it fast above , he put the noose about his neck , and then extending his hands to heaven , with elevated eyes , he pretended to say his prayers , the gentleman seeing this , out of meer pitty and commiseration , ran out with all the speed he could , the bayliffs seeing that , ran out and surprised him ; the smith hearing a noise , endeavoured to turn about to see what was the matter , and in that motion , slipt from the grindstone , and there hung ; the bayliffs being busied , and over-joy'd upon the seizing their prisoner , never minded what became of the smith , but going away with their prisoner to secure him , left him hanging as the just reward of so foul a treachery , another smith living in the countrey , there was a nest of hornets in the thatch of his hovel , who had made their way quite through , and as he was at work on a long curtain rod red hot , an hornet stung him ; at first he minded it not very much , but presently after came another , and stung him in the face , this so enraged him that looking up and seeing them all busy in the thatch , cry'd out are ye there ye devils , i 'le set fire in your arses presently ; hereupon he ran with the rod to the forge , and heating it again , he ran it up at them , and withal running through the thatch set it a fire , and so revenging himself on his enemies he half ruin'd himself by burning down his own hovel . another . a person being very rich , was likewise ostentatious and very peevish , a daughter he had was tolerably handsom , and was intirely beloved by a country gentleman , of no mean estate , having gained the young gentlemomans consent , he acquainted her parents with the love he bore their daughter , who no sooner heard it , but were in a great passion , their ambition judging him too mean a fortune , and therefore not only refused his offer , but very uncivilly forbade him the house : saying , moreover , that if it should be their misfortune , and his imaginary happiness to steal a marriage and rob them of their daughter , he would never give them a farthing . he obeyed their commands in that , but resolved notwithstanding that he would see his mistress whatever came on 't ; love soon found out a way to effect it , at which interview he told her what had past between him , and her parents , and the refusal of the match proposed ; she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat , and wept bitterly , the other to comfort her , swore if she would be constant , he would never forsake her ; and to shew the reality and integrity of his affection offer'd to marry her immediatly , she consented , and being married with all convenient speed , they performed the rights of hymen , and sent her home to her fathers house , desiring her not to take any notice of what had past , and since the time of their being together was so short the old ones could not suspect any thing . a few days after this new married genleman got his ( supposed maiden ) wife into his company , and having repeated his former delights , he told her , he would go into the country , giving her directions where to send to him , and that if she proved with child , and that her parents should discover it , as that they would quickly do , that then she should dissemble the greatest grief imaginable , and when pressed very much to discover the father , she should then confess it was such a one , who had formerly made love to her but her parents would not accept of the motion ; as for the rest said he , leave the whole management to me . upon this they parted , and she proved with child according to his expectation . the mother perceiving the frequent pewkings of her daughter , with the swelling of her belly , , took her into a private place and there conjured her to tell her the naked truth , whether she was not with child ? the daughter with many sighs and tears , confessed that she was , and that such a gentleman living in the country had done it : the mother like a woman distracted , first lockt up her daughter , and then ran to her husband , and calling him aside , told him of the shame and infamy that had befallen his family , and by whom ; this unexpected news made him ten times madder than his wife ; but at length they both concluded that it was but a folly , either to rave or rail at their daughter , but to study some means to sauder up the crack of their daughters honour , . no better expedient was thought on , but to write to the gentleman and acquain● him with what he had don , requiring satisfaction ; this letter was sent , and another returned by him in answer thereunto ; to this effect , that it is true he had lain with their daughter , but he knew not whether he got her with child , for she that can dispende with being a where to one , will be so to another . in short he concluded , that he had no more to say than this , that if she would be so impudent , to lay the child to him he must maintain it , but as for her part , he had nothing to say to her , for he had already over-paid her that little pleasure , he had purchased of her . this return netled them to the heart , and show'd it their daughter with all the opprobriums that can be uttered . the poor young woman replyed not a word , supplying her speech with nought but sighs and tears . the old people grieved at this , sent down a milder letter , requesting the favour , that he would be pleased to come up to london for they had some business extraordinary with him , tending much to his advantage . he sent them word , that he had extraordinary business where he was , and that he neither could , or would stir from it . as the belly swell'd , so did their sorrow , searing there was no remedying the cause thereof . upon another consultation the daughter told her father , that before ever she consented he promised her marriage ; this made the old gentleman caper , nay then said he we are well enough ; immediately calling for pen , ink , and paper he wrote another letter , charging the gentleman home with his promise sometimes threatening him , if he made it not good , and then sweetning him again , &c. beseeched him to make a journey up . this gentleman ( seeing it high time to condescend to what he most defired ) sent word by such a day he would ( if in health ) infallibly be in london , to no other end , than to understand his will and pleasure . the gentleman is as good as his word , a stately dinner is provided with plenty of wine , and the cloath being taken away , there was no other discourse , than how to salve up their daughters credit by a speedy marriage , and as an incouragement they would give him a thousand pounds : he slighted it , alledging further ( with a sir-reverence to the company , ) he would never , sh — in his own hat , and then clap it on his head ; as they advanced he more and more slights their proposals , saying that an estate of two hundred a year deserves a greater portion ; at length they offered him two thousand pounds , to be paid immediately , he accepts of it with this proviso , that upon the birth of the child their daughter now goes with , there shall be paid more , five hundred pounds : it is agreed to , and the parents were so eager and sollicitous in the preservation of the honour of their house that they would needs have the marriage consummated immediately , the country gentleman agreed thereunto , and presently sent away for the same parson that married them ; who being desired by the parents to joyn those two together in matrimony , he smiled , and said , sir , that is needless , for i have done it already ; how said the old gentleman ? 't is very true replyed the son-in-law , and for confirmation , see here the certificate before your daughter was with child ; and so she is no whore , but an honest wife . nay then said the old gentleman i see i am gull'd , but since it is no worse , and that our family is not defamed , i will make the odd five hundred a thousand pounds , and so god bless you together . another . a frenchman not long since took a lodging near a baker , who though poor , yet very rich in having so handsom a woman to his wife , and was never blemisht in her reputation by any light deportment . this frenchman presently had her in his eye , and courted her importunately , and expensively , but to no purpose ; treats proving ineffectual , he offered her fifty guinney's if she would permit him to lye with her all night , she refused it , but privately told her husband what monsieur had offered her , and upon what account ; the baker scratcht his head not knowing what to do ; poverty perswaded on the one side , and love hindred on the other from acceping this proffer ; at length said he , dearest , there is a way to be thought on to save thy chastity , and yet we will have his money , and that is thus : i will pretend to go out of town such a day , then do you upon the condition aforesaid promise monsieur his satisfaction the night following , in the mean time , you know tom — the cobler , a stout fellow , him will i engage with five pounds to assist me , we will have each of us a good broad sword , and thus armed we will creep underneath your bed , and when the french-man hath paid you the gold ( which you must have first ) and he is just going to bed we will crawl out and surprise him . it was generally agreed , and monsieur had notice of the assignation , who though he understood that the husband was gone our of town , yet he feared an ambuscado , and therefore carried a brace of pistols with him , besides a good rapier . entring the room , he caressed her , ala mode de france , and being very fiery , he could suffer no delays but giving her the gold , ordered her to make what haste she could to bed , and he would follow after . in the first place he drew out his pistols and laid them by him , and then undrest himself , seeing her in bed , he takes up his sword and pistols and advanceth towards her , she seeing him in that posture , askt him what he meant ? no ting madam of harm , only me love to have all de arms , me ford by mee side , me pis-stools in mee haunds , and de dagger before , when me go to take a citadel or fort , and laying down his sword , by his bed side , he skipt into bed with his pistols and laid them just over her head ; not to lose time , he storm'd the fort , and took it , and notwithstanding he was several times beaten out of the breach was made in the assault , yet he boldly entred again and took possession . the poor cuckold ( and the cobler who lay underneath the bed ) could not but hear what was doing above , yet durst not stir for their lives , nay not so much as whisper , for fear of being heard ; monsieur having gone through stitch with his work , and tired to boot , leapt out of bed with his pistols , and taking up his sword , went to the farther end of the room and drest himself , having so done , he calls to his reaking miss , bidding her to come to him , she excused her self , saying she was in a great sweat , and might catch her death thereby , but seeing monsieur grow resolute , she obeyed . monsieur hereupon clapt a pistol to her breast , saying , begar mrs. bish-fox , give me my gold , begar if you will not — for love , begar you shall never have my money , and so taking the guinny's from her , went couragiously down the stairs to his lodging . monsieur being gone , out crawls the cowardly cobler , and the cuckoldly coward , each blaming one another , and both the woman ; what would you have me to do quoth she , since he lay atop of me , and what would you have us to do said they , since you both did lye a top of us ; well husband all that i can say is , by this covetous stratagem of yours , you have made me a whore ; proved that mighty man your friend a rank coward , and your self an unpardonable cuckold . the self-deceiver . a merchant of london , growing old and rich , retired himself a little distance from the city , for the benefit of the air , and took with him his sister and an only daughter , having no other relations living ; and though he had left of trading , yet some business he had with a merchant in the city that called him thither thrice a week compleatly . a servant to the corespondent of this old gentleman , had a great and real love for his daughter , whose beauty alone , without the incouragement of a vast estate her father intended to give , was inducement enough for any mans affection ; and such was his happiness that she entertain'd a more than common kindness for him ; but it was both their unhappiness , that the father understood their loves , and to prevent their further growth by meetings , he commited his daughter to the careful tuition of her aunt , who was so jealous of her trust , that she walkt , nor talkt with any unless she was present , so that she was inaccessible to her languishing despairing lover , yet did he leave no means unattempted , if not to discourse , yet at least to see his beloved object , haunting the house like some disturbed ghost , but all to little purpose . the fates at length pittying the sufferings of these two constant lovers , infused a stratagem into the young gentlewomans head , whereby they may have a mutual , and a constant correspondence by letter , of which she inform'd her love by dropping a paper out of the window to this effect ; friend dearer than life , modesty will not permit me to discover my grief , and troubled thoughts for being thus debar'd of your speech , and presence , and that which aggravates my sorrow is the often seeing you , without the ability of coming to you , however some comfort my invention hath of late procured me by finding out a way how we may express our minds to each other by writing ; 't is thus in short , i have a little unript the cape of my fathers cloak ( that 's lined with velvet ) into which i have put a letter ; when he comes to your masters be officious to help him off with his cloak , which he uses to do when he goes to dinner , and in the cape you will find my soul contain'd , which take out , and send yours in the room to her who lives no longer than whilst she loves , &c. the satisfaction that he received from these lines was inexpressible , but much more , when he found the plot took so well , that he could twice a week send to , and hear from the only comfort of his life , and keeper of his happiness . by this stratagem they held a correspondence a long time , but being eager of an interview , they had like to have spoiled all ; for in a letter he appointed her a place where they would meet , in order thereunto she stole out of the house , but not so privately , but that she was watcht by her aunt , and followed to the place , where seeing this young man , and knowing whose servant he was , reviled him with all the reproaches imaginable for indeavouring to seduce her niece , a fortune too sublime for such a groveling earth worm as he ; but , said she , i 'le acquaint my brother with your knavish intentions , who shall take a course to prevent your proceedings , and with other minaces away she goes with her kinswoman , leaving the young man in a condition more miserable than imaginable . at night the old gentleman returning , he was informed by his sister of what had past in his absence , notwithstanding , all her care , and watchfulness ; at the report thereof the old man was ready to run distracted , and no body but would have guest so much by his raving , every word being an express symptom of madness ; he called his daughter a thousand misbecoming names , and the best was baggage , strumpet , &c. reviling her with disobedience and what not ; and that which made her condition the more intollerable was , he would not let her speak in her own defence , and as she was about to do it , he flung out of the room and left her ; glad she was that she had some respit from her sorrow , and so betook her self to her chamber , where locking her self in she instantly writ a letter to her love , acquainting him with her fathers deportment to wards her , with a register of the very names he called her , with other abuses , and having so done she slid it into the cape as aforesaid . the old man arose very early the next morning , in a passion , and to london he trotted , having no other busi ne●s man to acquaint , the merchant ( his friend ) how he was abused by his servant , and to vent his spleen , and choler on him . the young man was abroad at his coming , so that his master received all the shock of the old gentlemans fury , who was a little tam'd by him before his return , by informing him that his man was not so dispicable as he imagin'd , having so much per annum in land , besides a good stock of mony to begin the world with ; that besides all that , he would trust him ( as soon as free ) with a thousand pounds himself ; this they talkt walking in a great hall , the cloak hanging up in the parlour ; where they usually dined , which gave our lover on his return the opportunity of receiving his usual intelligence . he could not but be troubled you must think , , when he read how his love was abused , but since he could not remedie it , he was resolved to make use of the information . he had just finisht his reading , as they both came into the parlour , where immeadiately upon entrance the old man rav'd and rail'd most insufferablly , calling him beggers brat , thief , cheat , &c. and how durst he have that aspiring thought to rob him of his only daughter , heiress to above forty thousand pounds . the young man with much patience heard , and modestly told him he was much to blame , to villifie him after that manner , since it was well known , that he was not only a gentleman , but born to an estate : but sir , ( said he ) it is no wonder , you miscal me , when you spare not your own chast and virtuous daughter , calling her by the base and false names of baggage , strumpet , &c. hey day , hey day , a wizard , a wizard , ( quoth the old man ) else how could he tell those very names , i do confess i call'd my daughter . well , sir , now i know how to be rid of a knave ; i am glad on 't ; i 'le have you indicted , and arr argned for a witch , and so i hope to see you burn for your leachery . his kind master , seeing the passion of this peevish piece of antiquity caus'd his man to withdraw , whilst he indeavoured to infuse a better opinion in him towards his servant , which gave him the convenience of writing ; after dinner his master and the old man withdrew into the hall again , and then ( as formerly ) he convey'd the note into the cape of the cloak . was not this an honest porter think you that would thus constantly carry letters for lovers some miles , and never demand a penny , coming home and hanging up his cloak , according to custome , took aside his sister into the garden , and there discourst her , telling all that had past between him , his friend and the servant ; in the mean time the daughter examined the cape , and found what she expected , wherein she was inform'd of the passionate carriage of her father , with his abusive language , and to sweeten all , he pleasantly related how he was suspected for a wizard , occasion'd by his happy intelligence . the old man returning from the garden fell foul on his daughter with revilling termes ; dear father ( said she ) use your pleasure as to me ; call me what you will , though i deserve not the abuse , i will patiently indure it , but do not abuse that honest young man ; assure your self he is no beggers brat , thief , cheat , nor wizard : hey day , hey day , hey day ( cries the old man again ) what my daughter a witch too ; well , well , since it is so , you shall ene have my consent to be marryed to a stake together , and so you shall have a bonfire at your wedding . these very words she sent back to her lover in her fathers cape , who took an opportunity to take it out , and having read it , waited to meet the old man , who was consulting with his master , and was by him so fully inform'd as to his servants estate , his honesty , and industry in his service ; with several other things which tended highly to his advantage , that the old gentleman was willing to admit of a parley with his son-in-law that must be ; and as he was about to speak with lesser anger than before , he was prevented by the young man , saying , sir , come end your cruelty all at once , i am ready to accept of that marriage of the stake you proposed last night to your daughter : if i cannot live with her i love , i shall rejoice to dye with her . the old man was all amazement , to hear what ere he said at home in private should be known abroad ; at length he collecting himself , and having somewhat calm'd his passion , he told the young man since he saw the stars did fight against him as to this marriage , he should have his daughter , conditionally he would tell him how he came by this strange intelligence , whether the devil , or his angels did assist him in it , &c. to this the young man replyed , that he came not to the knowledge of what he said secretly elsewhere , nor his daughter , but by humane means , and that he would tell him how , so be it he would forgive the person . no , no , never ( cry'd the old man , in a great rage ) i will first see him rot in an hospital , or be hang'd at tibourn , and be damn'd rather than do it ; nay then ( said the young man ) you are to blame , sir , to be so uncharitably cruel against your self ; for from you , and you only we received this intelligence ; you were the porter , or messenger that carryed letters between us : how ! how can this be ( with much wonder cry'd the old man ) ; to convince you ( said the other ) i will now show you a letter in your portmantue that this night by your means will be delivered to your daughter , and thereupon taking the cloak he shewed him the rip in the cape , wherein they mutually conveighed letters to each other . to be short the old man was infinitely pleas'd with the stratagem , and in a little time lov'd the young man more than he hated him formerly , and gave him his daughter with a vast some of mony down at the marriage day , and in less than twelve months did his son and daughter the kindness to leave the world , and leave them all he had . rhodomontado's . i am king of no-land , the terror of the world , the flower of the nobility of rodomontado's , furioso's , superboso's , rolands , and olivers , beautified with infinite graces , fair as an angel , the heart and courage of lucifer , a servant to the mighty qeen of the earth , a friend to distressed ladies , and the soveraign prince of the anthropophagi or man-eaters . one day in battle i found out the queen of the amazons , she seeing me , resolved that i should fall by no other hand than that of so great and mighty a queen , and thereupon rais'd her hand with her sword therein ; but i , not willing to lose any time , struck her , at which she fell to the earth ; then taking her by the hair of head , i threw her with such fury and force that she flew to the fifth heaven , and fell upon mars as he was sporting with venus . venus being greatly afraid , cryed out for help , at whose cry the god's came running to her aid , but were much astonisht when they saw mars stretcht out upon the place . hereupon jupiter thrust his head through the casement , and saw me distributing wounds among my enemies with so much danger and fierceness , that the fire which flew from every blow , resembled another mount-gibel or aetna : therefore jupiter said to all his brother gods that none of them should stir or make any further noise of what was done , since it might be supposed , that he which had killed mars the god of war , was every whit as able to kill the rest of the gods which yet remained living . when i speak , my voice penetrates the depths of hell ; where-ever i appear , the world offers me a free subjection from east to west . it is well known , that where ever i am , my bedstead is made of the ribs of giants ; the ticking of my bed is filled with the moustacho's of the masters of the camp to the grand turk ; my bolster with the brains which i boxt out of the heads of his captains ; my cloaths are made of the hair of amazons ; my coverlids are composed of switzers-beards ; my curtains of the hair of the eye-brows , and eye-lids of hungarians and germans ; the floor of my house ( instead of brick ) is paved with janazaries teeth ; my tapistry are the skins of arabians , and sorcerers whom i unbarkt with the point of my dagger ; the tiles which cover my house are the nails of monarchs and kings , whose bodies long since in dispight of them , and those miserable carcases they indeavoured to defend , with a kick of my foot i tumbled into their sepultures . scorning to draw my sword against a bravade english captain , i gave him such a kick on the breech , that he mounted into the air and knockt his head against the sun with such great force , that he was the cause of its ecclipse for five days ; immediately this captain kneel'd before jupiter , praying him to pardon me all my offences , in recompence of the kindness i had done him , by that kick of the arse i had given him , which sent him to heaven among the stars , since it lay in my power to send him as far ( a contrary way ) to hell among the damned . with one single hair of my mustacho's which if i should dart at thee , it will make so great a gap in thy body , that the whole infantry of spain , and cavalry of france shall be able to pass through , without touching either the one side of thee or the other . with this most redoubted sword , i ruine , i set on fire , i put all into a flame , triumphing over armies , laying waste cities , castles , towers , walls , and invincible fortresses . with my presence i make jove hide himself , mercury flye , cupid tremble , mars disguise and transform himself , and though the silly ram doth see me take the tribute from his darling venus which i demand , yet durst not make one butt at me for so doing . where ever i am , death is continually with me , because he finds more profit from us , then if he were general of one hundred thousand men to fight the turk or devil . he knows it well and therefore continually follows , and accompanies me in the conquest of the kingdoms of grimanians , dicenians , dinamians , alopitians , pitanians , espinomenians , and nomanians , so that to speak the truth , without his company , i should walk alone , because i find none like me , and none i like but him . as the world is divided into four parts , three whereof affrick asia , and europe , and these three are incompassed and environed by the sea ; so my heart is divided into three other parts , of a nature , affable , terrible , and cruel , and three parts are surroundnot with water , but with living flames of scorching fire . and as the fire is , so is ( by reason of love ) my heart , by which means i am so inraged that with three blows of this my good chopping blade , the fore-stroke , back-blow , and thrust , i could slay all mankind , making rivers of blood longer than ganges , broader than the po , and more terrible than the cataracts of nile . but the world may be thankful i am in love , for it is only for her sake that i suffer wretched mortals to have a being . i have in me the nature of a basalisk and something more ; for if he with his looks can kill one , i when angry , with mine can destroy an hundred , for my eyes are equaly as fatal as a chain shot from a demi-canon . if that true v●lour which my soul possesseth could be purchased by money , all traffick would cease by sea and land , and no more talk of merchants or their commodities ; for every one would then labour and imploy their industry to the utmost , who should get the greatest share in me , one would aim at one of my arms another a leg , one a finger , a fourth a nail , a fifth a hair of my eye-lids , and this to no other end , than that he might become valiant . but i rejoyce that this cannot be by any means effected ; because it is one of the greatest causes of the present repose and quiet of all those kings , monarchs , and princes , which are all my very good friends , and kinsmen . not long since my baud , my old whore fortune , gave me some offence ; so that i became more displeased with her than formerly she was beloved by me ; in so much , that if she performed not her articles with me , i swore by pluto's horns , by the beard of mars , by samson's whiskers , and by mahomets alcoran , that i will deprive her of her prerogative of mutability and inconstancy , and as to her body , with one shock i will dispatch her to terra incognita , her limbs so shattered , that at the very instant of her arrival thither , she should be reduced to powder , which shall be by some or other gathered and preserved for my use , that is , to throw as dust or sand on those letters i send to my mistress . i have in two days more augmented the stygian kingdom of pluto , and peopled with subjects his black , dark , and smoaky realm , than ever did rodomont , rolant , renaud , mandrigard and radamante , having made the hearts of more valiant and couragious men in a thousand , and a thousand places to tremble ; let those which inhabit the east , west , north and equinoctial line be my witnesses . when i walk in the streets of the city a thousand ladies run to meet me ; one takes me violently by the cloak , another gives me a winck , another beseecheth me to sup with her , another makes me a presont , another kisseth my hands , and blesseth that mother than brought me into the world , adjudging her self the happiest of women , may she have the opportunity of lying with me but one night , to no other end , than that she may have a child of the race of so great a personage as my self . if the force of my members was distributed among faint hearted persons , and seditious spirits , the world would be put into a general revolt , and nothing would be seen there in but battles , and conquests ; the bells never heard , day nor night , but for the interment of some dead body , chirurgeons would never stir out of their houses , but to heal the wounds of swords , cut and thrust , and to reunite fractures or bones broken . divines would be continually employed in comforting widdows for the loss of their husbands , children so their parents , and young women in the death of their sweet-hearts . if i come to thee , with my foot i will kick thee so high into the air , that hadst thou with thee ten cart-load of bread , thou should'st be in greater fear of starving than falling . i had one day a quarrel with a french gentleman , who defied me , saying , draw if thou darest : considering with my self that i am all courage , refused so to do , because the french being cold , and without choler , i might have given him five hundred thrusts , and as many slashes , without killing him ; but as for me who am wholly filled , and made up of courage and choler , with the least blow in the world , he might have sent me to the devil . his conclusion . i never yet could meet that daring he , durst whisper , any yet hath conque'rd me . i 've fought the champions of the earth all round , and either slew , or made them quit their ground . from pole to pole , such mighty things i 've done . that from all hero's i their glory won . yet still i must act more , that lab'ring fame may reel , and tire nay sink to bear my name . where ere i go , my presence conquest brings ; my single hand , can sway the fate of kings . i 've ensignes snatcht , oft from an armies head , and at my feet laid prostrate gyants dead . out hector'd champions , and out foam'd wild bores , out bluster'd billows , breaking on the shores ; out fought briareus with his hundred hands ; out walkt the tigers on the arabian sands ; out lightned lightning , and out thundred thunder . out-did great mars infield , and out vy'd wonder ; astonisht ages from these deeds shall learn , which way i move , that way the world shall turn : if y' are with this not satisfy'd enough , i 'le of my valour give you further proof . i by an host surrounded was in field , whose general cry'd , fight not stout man , but yield . i daunted not , rush'd in , and with one swing , before my feet i laid his breathless king. at which a neighb'ring prince his quarrel took ; from his broad shoulders his proud bead i sirook so quick , the head after it fell , it curst . the next advanc'd whose fate was like the first : him i beheaded so most vig'rously that with the force , his falling head kil'd three , then being beset with an united power , with my long sword , next pass i thrust through four . with carkesses i maid long-lanes ; and , to be short , in four hours space i made this bloody sport . here scattered swords , there woods of lances stood , here heaps of bodies lay , there streams of blood , with open mouth there lay a gasping head , as if it thirsted for the blood it shed . here a topt head cut capers , as if ' t wood have danct up to the shoulders , where it stood . there lay dismemberd arms in their own gore , which graspt , and stretcht to reach the swords they bare . when i 'de done all , and heaps on heaps compil'd , i fairly turned about my self , and smil'd . how ill these mortals manag'd their command , although all hero's , nothing in my band . since none can kill me , i my self must doom , and call upon the gods to make me room . lyes , and improbabilities . a fellow swore that he had seen a base-viol as big as the duke's theater ; one demanding how it could possibly be play'd on ? well enough ( quoth the other ) for he that own'd it , made a two-handed bow about a furlong in length ; and he and his wife drew it on the strings , while ten of his children ran two and fro upon the stops or frets , observing with their feet as exact . time , as any could do with their fingers . a romanist swore he swallowed a pin , and presently making a cross upon his leg , pull'd it out there . a soldier swore desperately , that being in the wars between the russian and polonian ; there chanced to be a parley between the two generals where a river parted them , at that time it froze so excessively , that the words were no sooner out of their mouths , but they were frozen , and could not be heard till eleven days after , that a thaw came which dissolved them , and made them audible to all . one protested that on salisbury plain , he started a hare , and having a horse under him that was very fleet , coursed her , and gave her four turns at least , at length his horse growing weary and he vext to the heart that he could not tire her , threw his hat at her ; which lighting just before her , she ran into it , and turned over and over it so long , that he had time enough to alight from his horse and take her up . a notable arch crack in paris , got a bag of ashes and carried them to a man whom he knew to be a great admirer of reliques , who askt him twenty pound a peck for them , swearing , that they were the ashes of those coles which burnt st. laurence . a fellow swore that he ran a grayhound bitch great with whelps at a hare , who taking a hedge , and the bitch making after her , she lighted on a stake which rent her belly up , and that the whelps which were within her ran after the hare and kill'd her . i loved ( said he ) this bitch so well , that i made a pair of buskins of her skin , which had the power to endue me with such swiftness ; that if at any time a hare started in my way , i could not rest till i caught her . a keeper swore he shot a buck's right foot and left ear at one shoot with a single bullet , and being asked how he could possibly do it , ( he answered ) that the buck was lying and scratching his left ear with his right foot when he shot him . strada reports that a fellow lived in his time , whose nose was so long , he could not hear himself sneese . miscellanies . q. who is a bashful woman ? a. she who lying on her back covers her face with her smock . q. who is a fearful woman ? a. she who claps her tail between her legs , or she who dares not sleep without a man. q. who is a bold daring woman ? a. she that dares singly oppose ten men at the entrance of one breach . q. what part of speech is homo ? a. homo is a participle , because he partakes or takes part of all things in this world . q. whence hath papirus , the latin word for paper , it 's denomination ? a. from priapus that wanton god so freely worshiped among the antients especially by lovers : if you will consult , the anagram , you will find priapus and papirus to have the same letters . now it fals very proper that papirus shall be derived from priapus , because by letters frequently assignations are made for the satisfaction of each others longing loves ; but least they should miscarry in their meetings , let me advise them to offer up an orizon first to the roman famed goddess , known by the name of dea pertunda . q. what is a woman ? a. she is the second part necessary for the propagation , and conservation of mankind . a certain greek author saith that fire , water , and woman , are three evils . philemon testifies that a good goat , a good mule and a good woman , are three beasts of the worser sort , who compares their beauty to a rose surrounded with thorns or prickles ; their words are deceitful , their gauderies are like a peacocks tail ; their love is like a serpent , who kills the male in the act of copulation ; lastly , she is so light that one single feather , put in the contrary scale will weigh her down . q. what is a curious woman ? a. one who desires to know what every man can do . q. are cornuted men infamous ? a. no , for to carry horns heretosore , was honourable : when the sun expands his radiant beams upon the earth , he seems to say , behold my horns ; the moon either in her increase or decrease shows them and glories in them . moses is painted with two radiant horns . pan a god of the heathens had horns ; pan is a greek word and signifieth every thing , if you add horns thereunto , then every thing hath horns ; the major part of four footed beasts have horns ; nay , the devil himself ( if any credit may be given to painters ) hath horns ; wherefore since above , here , and beneath us are horns , why should man be ashamed of them , but rather claim a propriety in them ? to this question my author subjoins an epitaph made on one mr. john kalb , or calf in english , who was of noble extraction and student at heydelberge , but being given too much to ebriety , not only drowned his wits , but by is lost his life anno 1674 ; the lines were these . o deus omnipotens vituli miserere johannis quem mo●s pr●eveniens non sinit esse bovem . corpus in italiaest , habet intestina brabantus , ast animam nemo : cur ? quia non habuit . have mercy on john calf , who ox had been , had not death hindred , and stept in between . two countries shar'd his body ; but 't is sad none had his soul. why ? for no soul he had . q. how many sorts of fools are there ? a. four. 1. he that thunders out his menaces so often that no man fears him . 2. he that swears so often that no man will believe him . 3. he that gives so often that he hath nothing left . 4. he that having no servant , refuseth to be serviceable to himself . q. who are most gluttonous ? a. women ; for having two mouths one for the day , and the other for the night , they feed continually . q. what are the priviledges of monsieur scab . a. many ; but for brevity sake only these . he , like some mighty prince , eats alone , drinks alone , and sh — alone . if on the road he travels with gentlemen , and they come to an inn ill furnished , so that they must be forced to lye three in a bed , to be sure he must have one to himself , where he may repose himself alone . lastly monsieur scab hath this more , according to the proverb , quod duo scabiosi occulati plus videant quam ducenti c●eci cum suis perspicillis : id est , that two scabs may see farther than two hundred blind men with as many spectacles . q. what advantages accrue by lying . a. the chaldeans , aegyptians , grecians , and romans , when they understood that truth was not prevalent enough to convince , and tame a wild uncivil people , they formed a religion whose basis was meer lyes ; they feigned a neptune with a trident ; cupid with bow and arrows ; jupiter striding an eagle with a thunderbolt , and the like , to keep them in perpetual obedience to their empire . the same thing did minos in crete , licurgus to the lacedemonians ; and mahomet by his lyes founded his great empire . there are very few tradesmen who do not gain in part their dayly bread by lying , and the lover would never attain to his defired end without it . did not judeth press a lye to free her country . and divine plato , although a great zealot for truth , in so much that he banisht all poets who grosly lyed , yet saith he in his second book of his repub. i desire that mothers and nurses would tell their children fabulous stories ; as much as to say , that they should teach them lyes from their very cradle , to conclude rhetorick it self is nothing else but the art of lying . q. what are these things which rarely happen ? a. a bucksome young lass not in love , fairs without thieves ; an old usurer with a good conscience , an old stock of corn without mice , and , phan●ticks without holy cheats . q. who of all men stand least in fear of homicide ? a. quacking doctors , and hangmen who kill without being called in question , and though others are punished for it with death , these have a great reward for their pains . q. whom doth the world call his nephew ? a. him , who hath a handsome wife . the degrees of pleasure . if thou wilt rejoyce for a day , shave thy beard ; if for a week , go to a wedding ; if for a month , buy a good horse ; if for six weeks , purchase a fair house ; if for a year , marry a fair woman ; if for two years , turn a priest ; but if always thou wilt be merry and joyful , keep thy self chast and temperate . q. who are remarkable fools ? a. a faithful lover , an honest gamester , and a pitiful soldier . q. why are monsters here , seen frequently greater than the african ; as a drunken parson , a covetous non-conformist , a pocky doctor , &c. a. because their lives do not quadrate , or suit with their professions . q. a maid being askt , whether she would chuse to be chang'd into a hen or a goose ? a. her answer was into a hen , and the reason was , because the hen enjoys her cock all the year round , but the goose only in spring-time . q. what is the interpretation of these letters ? s. p. q. r. a. some say thus , senatus populusque romanus : others thus , salutem populi quaere romani : the sybils speaking of god thus , serva populum quem redimisti . bede in derision of the goths thus , stultus populus quaerit romam : the french thus , si peu que rien . the italians , samosi poltroni , questi romani : the germans , sublato papa quietum regnum . the papists on the other side , salus papae quies regni . on a friend to r. h. qui sim divinato & eris mihi magnus apollo , qui dives durus fluctus & vlna vocor . richard wavel . medicina ad tollendos foetores anhelitus provenientes a cibis quibusdam . sectile ne tetros porrum tibi spiret odores , protinus à porro fac mihi caepe vores . denuo foetorem si vis depellere caepe , hoc facile efficient , allia mansa tibi . spiritus at si post etiam gravis allia restat ; aut nihil , aut tantum pellere merda potest . he that for stinking breath a care would seek , must eat both onions , and good store of leek ; but if the stench of leeks offensive prove , then garlick take , and eat thereof a glove . if after these a stinking breath remain , then take a tu — all other things are vain . de anu per crepitum animam exhalante , vno animam-crepitu jana pedit anus . in french. vous qui passez , priez dieu pour ceste dame , qui en p●tant parle cul rendit l'ame . in english . o strange that jane should hence depart , only by letting of a fart . an epigram on this saying , quot capita tot ingenia . so many heads , so many wits , fie , fie , it is a shame for proverbs thus to lie ; for i ( though my acquaintance be but small ) know many heads that have no wit at all . a preachment on malt . certain townsmen of prisal , returning from a merry meeting at a certain ale-house , met in the fields a preacher , who had lately made a bitter sermon against drunkards , and amongst other opprobrious words , called them malt-worms , wherefore they agreed to take him , and by violence compel him to preach a sermon , and his text should be malt . the preacher thinking it better to yield , than contend with them in their cause , began his sermon as followeth . there is no preaching without division , and this text cannot well be divided into many parts , because it is but one word , nor into many syllables , because it is but one syllable ; it must therefore be divided into letters , and they are found to be four , viz. m , a , l , t , these letters represent four interpretations , which divines commonly do use thus , m. moral , a. allegorical , l. literal , t. tropological . the moral interpretation is well put first , and first to teach you boysterous men some good manners , at least in procuring your attention to the sermon ; therefore m. masters , a. all , l. listen , t. to the text. an allegory is when one thing is spoken , and another thing meant ; the thing spoken is malt , the thing meant is the oyle of malt , commonly call'd ale , which to you drunkards is so precious , that you account it to be m. meat , a. ale , l. liberty , t. treasure . the literal sense is as it hath been often heard of heretofore , so it is true according to the letter , m. much a. ale , l. little , t. thrift . the tropological sence applyeth that which now is to somwhat following , either in this world , or in the world to come , the thing that now is , is the effect which oyle of malt produceth and worketh in some of you , viz. m. murther , in others a. adultery , in all l. loose living , in many t. treason , and that which hereafter followeth , both in this world and in the world to come , is m. misery , a. anguish , l. lamentation , t. trouble . i should now come to a conclusion , and withal , to perswade you boysterious men to amend , that so you may escape the danger whereinto many of you are like to fall , but i have no hopes to prevail , because i plainly see , and my text as plainly telleth me it is m. to a. that is , a thousand pound to a pot of ale you will never mend , because all drunkards are l. lewd , t. thieves , but yet for discharging my conscience and duty , first towards god , and secondly towards you my neighbours , i say once again , concluding with my text , m. mend , a. all , and l. leave , t. tipling , otherwise , m. masters , a. all , l. look for , t. terrour and torment . by this time the ale wrought in the townsmens brains that they were between hawk and buzzard , nearer sleeping than waking , which the preacher perceiving stole away , leaving them to take their nap. finis .