this ebook was one of project gutenberg's early files produced at a time when proofing methods and tools were not well developed. there is an improved edition of this title which may be viewed as ebook (#1508) at https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1508 ******************************************************************* ******************************************************************* this ebook was one of project gutenberg's early files produced at a time when proofing methods and tools were not well developed. there is an improved edition of this title which may be viewed as ebook (#1508) at https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/1508 ******************************************************************* mundus foppensis: or, the fop display'd. being the ladies vindication, in answer to a late pamphlet, entituled, mundus muliebris: or, the ladies dressing-room unlocked, _&c._ in burlesque. together with a short supplement to the _fop-dictionary_: compos'd for the use of the town _beaus_. _prisca juvent alios; ego me nunc denique natum, gratulor hæc ætas moribus apta meis. non quia nunc terra lentum subducitur aurum lectaque diverso littore concha venit. sed quia cultus adest, nec nostros mansit in annos, rusticitas priscis illa superstes avis._ _ovid_ de arte amandi. _lib. 3._ _london,_ printed for john harris at the harrow in the _poultry_, 1691. advertisement there is newly published _the present state of europe_; or, _the historical and political mercury_: giving an account of all the publick and private occurrences that are most considerable in every court, for the months of _august_ and _september_, 1690. with curious _reflections_ upon every state. to be continued monthly from the original, published at the _hague_ by the authority of the states of _holland_ and _west-friesland_. sold by john harris at the harrow in the _poultrey_. there is newly published _a plain relation of the late action at sea_, between the _english_ and _dutch_, and the _french_ fleets, from _june_ 22th. to _july_ 5th. last: with _reflections_ thereupon, and upon the present state of the nation, _&c._ written by the author of the _reflections upon the last years occurrences_, &c. _london_, printed for john harris at the harrow in the _poultrey_, price 1 _s._ the preface. ladies, _in the tacker together of mundus muliebris, as it was a very great piece of ill manners, to unlock your dressing-rooms without your leave, so was it no less indecent in him to expose your wardrobes to the world, especially in such a rhapsody of rhime doggeril as looks much more like an inventory than a poem; however, he has only pilfer'd away the names of your varieties without doing ye any other mischief; for there is nothing to be found in all his index, nor his dictionary neither, but what becomes a person of quality to give, and a person of quality to receive; and indeed, considering how frail the mortal estates of mortal gentlemen are, it argues but a common prudence in ladies to take advantage of the kindness of their admirers_; to make hay while the sun shines; _well knowing how often they are inveigl'd out of their jointures upon all occasions: besides, it is a_ _general desire in men, that their ladies should keep home, and therefore it is but reasonable they should make their homes as delightful as it is possible; and therefore this bubble of an inventory is not to be thought the effect of general repentance, among your servants and adorers, but the capricious malice of some person envious of the little remunerations of your kindnesses for being disbandded from your conversation; little indeed, considering the rewards due to your merits, otherwise it would be the greatest injustice upon earth for the men to think of reforming the women before they reform themselves, who are ten times worse in all respects, as you will have sufficient to retort upon them when you come by and by to the matter._ _but to shew that it is no new thing for ladies to go gay and gaudy, we find in ovid, that the women made use of great variety of colours for the silks of which they made their garments, of which the chiefest in request among them were azure, sea-green, saffron colour, violet, ash colour, rose colour, chesnut, almond colour, with several others, as their fancy thought fit to make choice; nor were they deny'd the purple in grain, overlaid with pearl, or embroider'd with gold: nor_ _was it a strange thing for the roman women to die their hair yellow, as an augmentation to their beauty; nor did the severity of the times at all oppose it, but rather allow'd it. now, says ovid, the manner of dressing is not of one sort, and therefore let every lady choose what best becomes her; first consulting her looking-glass. and soon after, he confesses that there were not more leaves upon a large oak, not so many bees in hybla, nor so many wild beasts ranging the alps as he could number differences of dressing ladies. he tells ye how laodamia drest to set off a long face. how diana drest when she went a hunting: and how iole was carelessly drest when she took alcides captive in the dangles of her tresses: so that it is no such new thing for the women of this age to desire rich and splendid ornaments. and why their grandmothers, and great grandmothers confin'd themselves to their nuptial kirtles, their gowns and petticoats that lasted so many anniversaries; their virginals for musick, and their spanish pavans, and sellingers rounds for recreation, after their long poring upon tent-stitch, 'tis not a farthing matter for our ladies to enquire: 'twas their misfortune they knew no better; but because they_ _knew no better, 'tis no argument that our ladies should be ty'd to their obsolete examples: for the alterations of times and customs alter the humors and fashions of an age, and change the whole frame of conversation. juno is by the poets trick'd up in vestments embroidered with all the colours of the peacocks; and no question the poets spoke with relation to the gallantry of the women of those times. and who so gaudy as madam iris in the skie, and therefore said to be chief maid of honour to jupiter's wife. i could give ye an account of the habits of venus, and the graces, which the poets adapting to the modes of those times, plainly demonstrates, that the ladies were no less curious in those days than now._ _so then, ladies, for your comfort be it spoken, here's only a great cry and little wool; while the unlocker of your dressing-rooms brings us a long bedroll of hard names to prove that you make use of a great deal of variety to set forth and grace your beauty, and render your charms more unresistable, and that you love to have your closets splendidly and richly furnish'd: heavens be prais'd, he lays nothing criminal to your charge; but only puts ye in mind of a chapter in isaiah, of which_ _you are not bound to take much notice, in regard his mistaking the 6. for the 3: may secure ye there is little heed to be given to his divinity._ _but on the other side it makes me mad to hear what the devil of a roman satyr juvenal speaks of his own sex; for tho' he makes women bad enough, he makes it an easier thing to meet with prodigies and monsters, than men of sense and vertue._ should i behold in _rome_, that man, _says he_, that were of spotless fame, and life unblam'd; more than a wonder it would be to me, and i that monster would compare to damn'd: two-headed boy, with double members born, or fish, by plow turn'd up, where lately corn in fertile acres grew; or fole by mule brought forth, as heaven would nature over-rule: no less amaz'd, than if a stoney showre should from the skie upon the pavement pour; or that some swarm of bees, ascending higher than usually, should cluster on the temple spire; or that some rapid and impetuous stream, should roll into the sea, all bloud, or cream. _heavens! how many wonders do's juvenal make at the sight of an honest man in his time; and yet when he has spoken as bad as he could of_ _the women, we find no such severe expressions of his upon the female sex. now ladies if good men are so scarce, what need you care what fools and bad men say. 'tis true it must be acknowledg'd a hard censure upon men; but it was a man that said it; and therefore it makes the better for the feminine gender. well, ladies, you may be pleas'd to make what use of it you think fit, as being that which will certainly defend ye against all the picklocks of your dressing-rooms for the future; besides the liberty which ovid, an authentick author, gives ye, to make use of what dresses, what ornaments, what embellishments you please, according to the mode and practice of those times, under one of the best rulers of the roman empire, and far more antient than when your grandmothers and great grandmothers spun flax, and bespittl'd their fingers._ the fop display'd; or, the ladies vindication: in answer to the ladies dressing-room unlock'd, _&c._ fain wou'd i, ladies, briefly know how you have injur'd bully _beau_; that he thus falls, with so much noise, upon your trinkets, and your toys? something was in't; for i protest t' ye, he has most wonderfully drest ye: nor has his wrath spar'd ye an inch, to set ye out in pedlars french; and all his readers to possess, that women conjure when they dress: malicious _beau_-design, to make the ladies dressing-room to speak hard words, unknown to all their gransires; the language like of necromancers. heavens! must men still be at th' mercies of new _medeas_, and new _circes_; not working by the fatal powers of old inchanting herbs and flowers; but by the magick of their garments, conspiring to renew our torments? i'll not believe the venomous satyr, it cannot be in ladies nature, so amiable, sweet, and active, to study magical attractive; as if they wanted help of _endor_, their graces more divine to render. rather we think this _jargonry_ beyond the skill of doctor dee: hell's preacher, _phlegyas,_ from below, call'd up, and hous'd in carnal _beau_; with wicked hells _enthusiasm_, between each sex to make a _chasm_; for _virgil_, never tax'd of nonsense; nor yet provok'd, to injure lady brings in the same infernal rabbi, among the damn'd, disturb'd in conscience; and stirr'd with like satyrick rage, against the females of that age. ingratefull rhimer! thus to vex the more refin'd and lovely sex, by acting like officious novice, informer in the devil's _crown-office_, if we mayn't rather take him for some busie, bold apparator, in satan's commons court of arches, by his more feminine researches: tho' what if many a tainted whore tormented him before his hour, 'twas mean revenge, howe'er, to fall on the whole sex in general; 'cause 'twas his ill luck still to light on ware unsound, for want of wit. what if the ladies will be brave, why may not they a language have to wrap their trinkets up in mystery? since men are much more blam'd in history, for tying up their slipper peaks with silver chains, that reach'd their necks. was't not, d'ye think, a pleasant sight, to see the smiling surgeon slit the swelling figs, in bum behind, caught by misusing of his kind? but women, only for being quaint, to signifie the things they want by proper names, must be reproach'd; for wanton, foolish, and debauch'd; yet learning is no crime to ladies, and terms of art are still where trade is. printers speak gibb'rish at their cafes; and weavers talk in unknown phrases; and blacksmith's 'prentice takes his lessons from arabick (to us) expressions: why then mayn't ladies, in their stations, use novel names for novel fashions? and is not _colbertine_, god save us, much nearer far than _wevus mavus_; a sort of cant, with which the young corrupted once their mother tongue: is such a bumpkin cant as that fit for an age where only what is brisk and airy, new refin'd, exalts the wit, and clears the mind? no ladies, no; go on your way; gay cloaths require gay words, we say. when art has trimm'd up head-attire, fit for a nation to admire; and head and ornament are well met, like amazonian plume and helmet; to call that by a vulgar name, would be too mean, and th' artist shame; call it a _septizonimum_, or _tiara_; or what you please, that's new and rare-a. may not the head, the seat of sense, name it's own dress, without offence? the roman ladies, you are told, wore such a head-attire of old; and what if _juvenal_ were such a satyr, the roman ladies to bespatter; tell _juvenal_, he was a fool, and must not think to _england_ rule: why should her jewels move my spleen; let her out-dazle _egypt_'s queen: it shows that gold the pocket lines, where such illustrious glory shines; and there's a sort of pride becomes the pomp of dress, as well as rooms. i would not for the world be thought to pick a hole in ladies coat; because they make it their delight, to keep their bodies trim and tite. what though the names be new, and such as borrow from the french and dutch? or strain'd from the italian idiom, rather from hence i take the freedom, to praise their care, thus to enrich and fructifie our barren speech, we owe to their vocabulary, that makes our language full and airy, enlarging _meige_'s dictionary. where things want names, names must be had: shall lady cry to chamber-maid, bring me my thing there, for my head; my thing there, quilted white and red; my thing there for my wrists and neck; 'tis ten to one the maids mistake; then lady cries, the devil take such cursed sots; my tother thing; then 'stead of shoes, the cuffs they bring. 'slife--lady crys, if i rise up, i'll send thee to the devil to sup; and thus, like _babel_, in conclusion, the lady's closet's all confusion; when as if ladies name the things, the maid, whate'er she bid her, brings; neither is lady chaf'd with anger, nor bones of maiden put in danger. sure then 'twas some ill-natur'd _beau_, to persecute the ladies so; for peopling, of their own accords, _phillip's english world of words_: a _beau_ more cruel than the _goths_, thus to deny the women cloaths: as if to theirs the rich additions were heathen rites, and superstitions; or else, as if from _picts_ descended, he were with women's cloaths offended; and spite of cold, or heat of air, he lov'd to see dame nature bare. their shoes and stays, he says, are tawdry, not fit to wear 'cause of th' embroidry. for petticoats he'd have e'm bare-breech'd, from _india_ 'cause the stuffs are far-fetch'd. their points and lace he damns to hell; corruptions of the common-weal. the vain exceptions of wiseacres, fit to goe herd among the quakers; and talk to _maudlin_, in close hood, things that themselves ne'er understood. now let us then the _beau_ survey, has he no baubles to display: there's first the _dango_, and the _snake_, those _dildoes_ in the nape of neck; that dangle down behind, to shew dimensions of the _snake_ below: 'tis thick, and long; but pizzl'd at th' end, and would be thought the woman's friend: yet they who many times have try'd, by _dango_ swear the _snake_ bely'd. then th' insignificant _knee-rowl_, a mere _whim-wham_, upon my soul; for that 'twas never made, i fear, to save the master's knees at prayer: which being worn o'th' largest size, that man _rolls_ full, the bully cries. a term of art for knees concinnity, beyond the sense of school-divinity. what _beau_ himself would so unman, to ride in scandalous sedan? a carriage only fit for midwives, that of their burthens go to rid wives; unless to hide, from revelation, th' adulterer's haste to assignation. what dunces are our tonsors grown, where's their gold filings in an amber box, to strew upon their masters locks, and make 'em glitter in the sun? sure english _beaus_ may out-vie _venus_, as well as _commodus_, or _gallienus_. 'twas goldilocks, my lovely boy, made _agamemnon_ ruine _troy_. i could produce ye emperours that sate in womens dress whole hours, expos'd upon the publick stage their catamites, wives by marr'age. your old trunk-hose are laid aside, for what-d'-ye-call-em's tail to hide; so strait and close upon the skin, as onely made for lady's eyne; to see the shape of thighs and groin: hard case _priapus_ should be so restrain'd, that had whole orchards at command. yet these are toys, in men, more wise, to womens innocent vanities. while soft sir _courtly nice_ looks great, with the unmortgag'd rents of his estate: what is the learning he adores, but the discourse of pimps and whores? she who can tye, with quaintest art, the spruce cravat-string, wins his heart; where that same toy does not exactly sit, he's not for common conversation fit. how is the barber held divine, that can a perriwig _carine_! or else _correct_ it; which you please; for these are _terms_ too, now-a-days, of modern gallants to entice the barber to advance his price: for if a barber be not dear, he must not cover coxcomb's ear. bless us! what's there? 'tis something walks, a piece of painting, and yet speaks: hard case to blame the ladies washes, when men are come to mend their faces. yet some there are such women grown, they cann't be by their faces known: some wou'd be like the fair _adonis_; some would be _hyacinthus_ cronies; and then they study wanton use of spanish red, and white ceruse; the only painters to the life, that seem with natures self at strife; as if she only the dead colours laid, but they the picture perfect made. what _zeuxis_ dare provoke these elves, that to out-doe him paint themselves? for tho' the birds his painted grapes did crave, these paint and all mankind deceive. this sure must spend a world of morning, more than the ladies quick adorning; they have found out a shorter way, not as before, to wast the day; they only comb, wash hands and face, and streightway, with a comely grace, on the admired _helmet_ goes, as ready rigg'd as their lac'd shoes. far much more time men trifling wast, e'er their soft bodies can be drest; the looking-glass hangs just before, and each o'th' legs requires an hour: now thereby, ladies, hangs a tale, a story for your cakes and ale. a certain _beau_ was lately dressing, but sure, e'er he had crav'd heavens blessing; when in comes friend, and finds him laid in mournfull plight, upon his bed. dear _tom_, quoth he, such a mischance as ne'er befell the foes of _france_; nay, i must tell thee, _fleury_ battel was ne'er to _europe_ half so fatal; for by i know not what ill luck, my glass this morn fell down and broke upon my shin, just in my rolling; now is not this worth thy condoling? see stocking cut, and bloody shin, besides the charge of healing skin. 'twas the only kindness of my fate, it mist the solid piece, my pate. ladies, this was ill luck, but you have much the worser of the two; the world is chang'd i know not how, for men kiss men, not women now; and your neglected lips in vain, of smugling _jack_, and _tom_ complain: a most unmanly nasty trick; one man to lick the other's cheek; and only what renews the shame of _j._ the first, and _buckingham_: he, true it is, his wives embraces fled to slabber his lov'd _ganimede_; but to employ, those lips were made for women in _gomorrha_'s trade; bespeaks the reason ill design'd, of railing thus 'gainst woman-kind: for who that loves as nature teaches, that had not rather kiss the breeches of twenty women, than to lick the bristles of one male dear _dick_? now wait on _beau_ to his _alsatia_, a place that loves no _dei gratia_; where the undoers live, and undone, in _london_, separate from _london_; where go but three yards from the street, and you with a new language meet: _prig_, _prigster_, _bubble_, _caravan_, _pure tackle_, _buttock_, _purest pure_. _sealers_, _putts_, _equipp_, and _bolter_; _lug out_, _scamper_, _rub_ and _scowre_. _ready_, _rhino_, _coal_, and _darby_, _meggs_, and _smelts_, and _hoggs_, and _decus_; _tathers_, _fambles_, _tatts_ and _doctors_, _bowsy_, _smoaky_, _progg_, and _cleare_, _bolter_, _banter_, _cut a shamm_; with more a great deal of the same. should _saffold_ make but half this rattle, when maidens visit his o-racle, they'd take him for some son of _cham_, calling up legion by his name, add but to this the flanty-tant of fopling al-a-mode gallant; why should not _gris_, or _jardine_, be as well allow'd as _bien gaunte_; _cloaths_ is a paltry word _ma foy_; but grandeur in the french _arroy_. _trimming_'s damn'd english, but _le grass_ is that which must for modish pass. to call a shoe a shoe, is base, let the genteel _picards_ take place. hang _perriwig_, 'tis only fit for barbers tongues that ne'er spoke wit; but if you'd be i'th' fashion, choose the far politer term, _chedreux_ what clown is he that proudly moves, with on his hands what we call gloves? no friend, for more refin'd converse will tell ye they are _orangers_. so strangely does _parisian_ air change english youth, that half a year makes 'em forget all native custome, to bring french modes, and _gallic_ lust home; nothing will these apostates please, but _gallic_ health, and french disease. in french their quarrels, and their fears, their joys they publish, and their cares; in french they quarrel, and in french _mon coeur,_ they cry, to paltry wench. why then should these extravagants make such rhime-doggeril complaints against the ladies dressing-rooms, and closets stor'd with rich perfumes? there's nothing there but what becomes the plenty of a fair estate: tho' chimney furniture of plate, tho' mortlake tapestry, damask-bed; or velvet all embroidered; tho' they affect a handsome store, of part for state, of usefull more; they're glories not to be deny'd to women, stopping there their pride; for such a pride has nothing ill, but only makes them more genteel. should nature these fine toys produce, and women be debarr'd the use? these are no masculine delights; studies of books for men are sights; a stable with good horses stor'd, and payment punctual to their word: proportion these things to my wishes, let women take the porcelan dishes; the toylet plates gilt and embost, with all the rest of little cost; such small diffusion feeds the poor, while misers hoard up all their store. our satyr then was one of those who ne'er had wealth at his dispose; or being sped to live in plenty, posted to find his coffers empty; addicted all to sport and gaming, and that same vice not worth the naming; till deeply dipp'd in us'rers books, and over-rid by cheats and rooks, the _mint_ becomes his sanctuary, where not of his past errors weary, but aged grown, and impotent, alike in purse and codpiece spent, he _cynic_ turns, in _kings-bench_ tub, and vents the froth of brewers bub: where we will leave him melancholly, bewailing poverty, and folly. a short _supplement_ to the _fop-dictionary_, so far as concerns the present matter. _adieu donce me cheres._ farewell my dear friends. _arroy._ a suit of cloaths. _to adjust a man's self._ that is, to dress himself. _beau._ a masculine french adjective, signifying fine but now naturaliz'd into _english_ to denote a sparkish dressing fop. _beaux esprits._ a club of wits, who call'd themselves so. _bachique._ a drinking song or catch. _the brilliant_ of language. sharpness and wittiness of expression. _a brandenburgh._ a morning gown. _to carine a perriwig._ that is, to order it. _chedreux._ a perriwig. _correct._ the same as carine. _deshabille._ undrest, or rather in a careless dress. _en cavalier._ like a gentleman. _esclat._ of beauty, or the lustre of beauty. _eveille._ i observ'd her more _eveille_ than other women; that is, more sprightly and airey. _equipt._ that is, well furnish'd with money and cloaths. _gaunte bien gaunte._ modish in his gloves. _grossier._ the world is very _grossier_; that is, very dull, and ill bred. _levee and couchee._ is to attend a gentleman at his rising or going to bed. _le grass._ the furniture of a suit. _orangers._ the term for gloves scented with oranges. _picards._ shoes in downright english. _pulvillio._ sweet powder for the hair. _rolls._ a sort of dress for the knees, invented as some say by the roman catholicks, for the conveniency of kneeling, but others ascribe the lucky fancy to coll. s----. _a revoir._ till i see you again. _surtout._ the great coat which covers all. for the rest you are referr'd to the dilucidations of the _alsatian_ squire. finis. transcriber's notes: other editions of ovid's 'de arte amandi' quoted on the title page use the words 'terræ' for 'terra' and 'litore' for 'littore.' those words are presented here as printed. spelling was not changed, except for 'thtng' to 'thing' ... it is no new thing for ladies ... all-story weekly september 7, 1918 * * * * * friend island by francis stevens * * * * * it was upon the waterfront that i first met her, in one of the shabby little tea shops frequented by able sailoresses of the poorer type. the uptown, glittering resorts of the lady aviators' union were not for such as she. stern of feature, bronzed by wind and sun, her age could only be guessed, but i surmised at once that in her i beheld a survivor of the age of turbines and oil engines--a true sea-woman of that elder time when woman's superiority to man had not been so long recognized. when, to emphasize their victory, women in all ranks were sterner than today's need demands. the spruce, smiling young maidens--engine-women and stokers of the great aluminum rollers, but despite their profession, very neat in gold-braided blue knickers and boleros--these looked askance at the hard-faced relic of a harsher day, as they passed in and out of the shop. i, however, brazenly ignoring similar glances at myself, a mere male intruding on the haunts of the world's ruling sex, drew a chair up beside the veteran. i ordered a full pot of tea, two cups and a plate of macaroons, and put on my most ingratiating air. possibly my unconcealed admiration and interest were wiles not exercised in vain. or the macaroons and tea, both excellent, may have loosened the old sea-woman's tongue. at any rate, under cautious questioning, she had soon launched upon a series of reminiscences well beyond my hopes for color and variety. "when i was a lass," quoth the sea-woman, after a time, "there was none of this high-flying, gilt-edged, leather-stocking luxury about the sea. we sailed by the power of our oil and gasoline. if they failed on us, like as not 'twas the rubber ring and the rolling wave for ours." she referred to the archaic practice of placing a pneumatic affair called a life-preserver beneath the arms, in case of that dreaded disaster, now so unheard of, shipwreck. "in them days there was still many a man bold enough to join our crews. and i've knowed cases," she added condescendingly, "where just by the muscle and brawn of such men some poor sailor lass has reached shore alive that would have fed the sharks without 'em. oh, i ain't so down on men as you might think. it's the spoiling of them that i don't hold with. there's too much preached nowadays that man is fit for nothing but to fetch and carry and do nurse-work in big child-homes. to my mind, a man who hasn't the nerve of a woman ain't fitted to father children, let alone raise 'em. but that's not here nor there. my time's past, and i know it, or i wouldn't be setting here gossipin' to you, my lad, over an empty teapot." i took the hint, and with our cups replenished, she bit thoughtfully into her fourteenth macaroon and continued. "there's one voyage i'm not likely to forget, though i live to be as old as cap'n mary barnacle, of the _shouter_. 'twas aboard the old _shouter_ that this here voyage occurred, and it was her last and likewise cap'n mary's. cap'n mary, she was then that decrepit, it seemed a mercy that she should go to her rest, and in good salt water at that. "i remember the voyage for cap'n mary's sake, but most i remember it because 'twas then that i come the nighest in my life to committin' matrimony. for a man, the man had nerve; he was nearer bein' companionable than any other man i ever seed; and if it hadn't been for just one little event that showed up the--the _mannishness_ of him, in a way i couldn't abide, i reckon he'd be keepin' house for me this minute." * * * * * "we cleared from frisco with a cargo of silkateen petticoats for brisbane. cap'n mary was always strong on petticoats. leather breeches or even half-skirts would ha' paid far better, they being more in demand like, but cap'n mary was three-quarters owner, and says she, land women should buy petticoats, and if they didn't it wouldn't be the lord's fault nor hers for not providing 'em. "we cleared on a fine day, which is an all sign--or was, then when the weather and the seas o' god still counted in the trafficking of the humankind. not two days out we met a whirling, mucking bouncer of a gale that well nigh threw the old _shouter_ a full point off her course in the first wallop. she was a stout craft, though. none of your featherweight, gas-lightened, paper-thin alloy shells, but toughened aluminum from stern to stern. her turbine drove her through the combers at a forty-five knot clip, which named her a speedy craft for a freighter in them days. "but this night, as we tore along through the creaming green billows, something unknown went 'way wrong down below. "i was forward under the shelter of her long over-sloop, looking for a hairpin i'd dropped somewheres about that afternoon. it was a gold hairpin, and gold still being mighty scarce when i was a girl, a course i valued it. but suddenly i felt the old _shouter_ give a jump under my feet like a plane struck by a shell in full flight. then she trembled all over for a full second, frightened like. then, with the crash of doomsday ringing in my ears, i felt myself sailing through the air right into the teeth o' the shrieking gale, as near as i could judge. down i come in the hollow of a monstrous big wave, and as my ears doused under i thought i heard a splash close by. coming up, sure enough, there close by me was floating a new, patent, hermetic, thermo-ice-chest. being as it was empty, and being as it was shut up air-tight, that ice-chest made as sweet a life-preserver as a woman could wish in such an hour. about ten foot by twelve, it floated high in the raging sea. out on its top i scrambled, and hanging on by a handle i looked expectant for some of my poor fellow-women to come floating by. which they never did, for the good reason that the _shouter_ had blowed up and went below, petticoats, cap'n mary and all." "what caused the explosion?" i inquired. "the lord and cap'n mary barnacle can explain," she answered piously. "besides the oil for her turbines, she carried a power of gasoline for her alternative engines, and likely 'twas the cause of her ending so sudden like. anyways, all i ever seen of her again was the empty ice-chest that providence had well-nigh hove upon my head. on that i sat and floated, and floated and sat some more, till by-and-by the storm sort of blowed itself out, the sun come shining--this was next morning--and i could dry my hair and look about me. i was a young lass, then, and not bad to look upon. i didn't want to die, any more than you that's sitting there this minute. so i up and prays for land. sure enough toward evening a speck heaves up low down on the horizon. at first i took it for a gas liner, but later found it was just a little island, all alone by itself in the great pacific ocean. "come, now, here's luck, thinks i, and with that i deserts the ice-chest, which being empty, and me having no ice to put in it, not likely to have in them latitudes, is of no further use to me. striking out i swum a mile or so and set foot on dry land for the first time in nigh three days. "pretty land it were, too, though bare of human life as an iceberg in the arctic. "i had landed on a shining white beach that run up to a grove of lovely, waving palm trees. above them i could see the slopes of a hill so high and green it reminded me of my own old home, up near couquomgomoc lake in maine. the whole place just seemed to smile and smile at me. the palms waved and bowed in the sweet breeze, like they wanted to say, 'just set right down and make yourself to home. we've been waiting a long time for you to come.' i cried, i was that happy to be made welcome. i was a young lass then, and sensitive-like to how folks treated me. you're laughing now, but wait and see if or not there was sense to the way i felt. "so i up and dries my clothes and my long, soft hair again, which was well worth drying, for i had far more of it than now. after that i walked along a piece, until there was a sweet little path meandering away into the wild woods. "here, thinks i, this looks like inhabitants. be they civil or wild, i wonder? but after traveling the path a piece, lo and behold it ended sudden like in a wide circle of green grass, with a little spring of clear water. and the first thing i noticed was a slab of white board nailed to a palm tree close to the spring. right off i took a long drink, for you better believe i was thirsty, and then i went to look at this board. it had evidently been tore off the side of a wooden packing box, and the letters was roughly printed in lead pencil. "'heaven help whoever you be,' i read. 'this island ain't just right. i'm going to swim for it. you better too. good-by. nelson smith.' that's what it said, but the spellin' was simply awful. it all looked quite new and recent, as if nelson smith hadn't more than a few hours before he wrote and nailed it there. "well, after reading that queer warning i begun to shake all over like in a chill. yes, i shook like i had the ague, though the hot tropic sun was burning down right on me and that alarming board. what had scared nelson smith so much that he had swum to get away? i looked all around real cautious and careful, but not a single frightening thing could i behold. and the palms and the green grass and the flowers still smiled that peaceful and friendly like. 'just make yourself to home,' was wrote all over the place in plainer letters than those sprawly lead pencil ones on the board. "pretty soon, what with the quiet and all, the chill left me. then i thought, 'well, to be sure, this smith person was just an ordinary man, i reckon, and likely he got nervous of being so alone. likely he just fancied things which was really not. it's a pity he drowned himself before i come, though likely i'd have found him poor company. by his record i judge him a man of but common education.' "so i decided to make the most of my welcome, and that i did for weeks to come. right near the spring was a cave, dry as a biscuit box, with a nice floor of white sand. nelson had lived there too, for there was a litter of stuff--tin cans--empty--scraps of newspapers and the like. i got to calling him nelson in my mind, and then nelly, and wondering if he was dark or fair, and how he come to be cast away there all alone, and what was the strange events that drove him to his end. i cleaned out the cave, though. he had devoured all his tin-canned provisions, however he come by them, but this i didn't mind. that there island was a generous body. green milk-coconuts, sweet berries, turtle eggs and the like was my daily fare. "for about three weeks the sun shone every day, the birds sang and the monkeys chattered. we was all one big, happy family, and the more i explored that island the better i liked the company i was keeping. the land was about ten miles from beach to beach, and never a foot of it that wasn't sweet and clean as a private park. "from the top of the hill i could see the ocean, miles and miles of blue water, with never a sign of a gas liner, or even a little government running-boat. them running-boats used to go most everywhere to keep the seaways clean of derelicts and the like. but i knowed that if this island was no more than a hundred miles off the regular courses of navigation, it might be many a long day before i'd be rescued. the top of the hill, as i found when first i climbed up there, was a wore-out crater. so i knowed that the island was one of them volcanic ones you run across so many of in the seas between capricorn and cancer. "here and there on the slopes and down through the jungly tree-growth, i would come on great lumps of rock, and these must have came up out of that crater long ago. if there was lava it was so old it had been covered up entire with green growing stuff. you couldn't have found it without a spade, which i didn't have nor want." * * * * * "well, at first i was happy as the hours was long. i wandered and clambered and waded and swum, and combed my long hair on the beach, having fortunately not lost my side-combs nor the rest of my gold hairpins. but by-and-by it begun to get just a bit lonesome. funny thing, that's a feeling that, once it starts, it gets worse and worser so quick it's perfectly surprising. and right then was when the days begun to get gloomy. we had a long, sickly hot spell, like i never seen before on an ocean island. there was dull clouds across the sun from morn to night. even the little monkeys and parrakeets, that had seemed so gay, moped and drowsed like they was sick. all one day i cried, and let the rain soak me through and through--that was the first rain we had--and i didn't get thorough dried even during the night, though i slept in my cave. next morning i got up mad as thunder at myself and all the world. "when i looked out the black clouds was billowing across the sky. i could hear nothing but great breakers roaring in on the beaches, and the wild wind raving through the lashing palms. "as i stood there a nasty little wet monkey dropped from a branch almost on my head. i grabbed a pebble and slung it at him real vicious. 'get away, you dirty little brute!' i shrieks, and with that there come a awful blinding flare of light. there was a long, crackling noise like a bunch of chinese fireworks, and then a sound as if a whole fleet of _shouters_ had all went up together. "when i come to, i found myself 'way in the back of my cave, trying to dig further into the rock with my finger nails. upon taking thought, it come to me that what had occurred was just a lightning-clap, and going to look, sure enough there lay a big palm tree right across the glade. it was all busted and split open by the lightning, and the little monkey was under it, for i could see his tail and his hind legs sticking out. "now, when i set eyes on that poor, crushed little beast i'd been so mean to, i was terrible ashamed. i sat down on the smashed tree and considered and considered. how thankful i had ought to have been. here i had a lovely, plenteous island, with food and water to my taste, when it might have been a barren, starvation rock that was my lot. and so, thinking, a sort of gradual peaceful feeling stole over me. i got cheerfuller and cheerfuller, till i could have sang and danced for joy. "pretty soon i realized that the sun was shining bright for the first time that week. the wind had stopped hollering, and the waves had died to just a singing murmur on the beach. it seemed kind o' strange, this sudden peace, like the cheer in my own heart after its rage and storm. i rose up, feeling sort of queer, and went to look if the little monkey had came alive again, though that was a fool thing, seeing he was laying all crushed up and very dead. i buried him under a tree root, and as i did it a conviction come to me. "i didn't hardly question that conviction at all. somehow, living there alone so long, perhaps my natural womanly intuition was stronger than ever before or since, and so i _knowed_. then i went and pulled poor nelson smith's board off from the tree and tossed it away for the tide to carry off. that there board was an insult to my island!" the sea-woman paused, and her eyes had a far-away look. it seemed as if i and perhaps even the macaroons and tea were quite forgotten. "why did you think that?" i asked, to bring her back. "how could an island be insulted?" she started, passed her hand across her eyes, and hastily poured another cup of tea. "because," she said at last, poising a macaroon in mid-air, "because that island--that particular island that i had landed on--had a heart! "when i was gay, it was bright and cheerful. it was glad when i come, and it treated me right until i got that grouchy it had to mope from sympathy. it loved me like a friend. when i flung a rock at that poor little drenched monkey critter, it backed up my act with an anger like the wrath o' god, and killed its own child to please me! but it got right cheery the minute i seen the wrongness of my ways. nelson smith had no business to say, 'this island ain't just right,' for it was a righter place than ever i seen elsewhere. when i cast away that lying board, all the birds begun to sing like mad. the green milk-coconuts fell right and left. only the monkeys seemed kind o' sad like still, and no wonder. you see, their own mother, the island, had rounded on one o' them for my sake! "after that i was right careful and considerate. i named the island anita, not knowing her right name, or if she had any. anita was a pretty name, and it sounded kind of south sea like. anita and me got along real well together from that day on. it was some strain to be always gay and singing around like a dear duck of a canary bird, but i done my best. still, for all the love and gratitude i bore anita, the company of an island, however sympathetic, ain't quite enough for a human being. i still got lonesome, and there was even days when i couldn't keep the clouds clear out of the sky, though i will say we had no more tornadoes. "i think the island understood and tried to help me with all the bounty and good cheer the poor thing possessed. none the less my heart give a wonderful big leap when one day i seen a blot on the horizon. it drawed nearer and nearer, until at last i could make out its nature." "a ship, of course," said i, "and were you rescued?" "'tweren't a ship, neither," denied the sea-woman somewhat impatiently. "can't you let me spin this yarn without no more remarks and fool questions? this thing what was bearing down so fast with the incoming tide was neither more nor less than another island! "you may well look startled. i was startled myself. much more so than you, likely. i didn't know then what you, with your book-learning, very likely know now--that islands sometimes float. their underparts being a tangled-up mess of roots and old vines that new stuff's growed over, they sometimes break away from the mainland in a brisk gale and go off for a voyage, calm as a old-fashioned, eight-funnel steamer. this one was uncommon large, being as much as two miles, maybe, from shore to shore. it had its palm trees and its live things, just like my own anita, and i've sometimes wondered if this drifting piece hadn't really been a part of my island once--just its daughter like, as you might say. "be that, however, as it might be, no sooner did the floating piece get within hailing distance than i hears a human holler and there was a man dancing up and down on the shore like he was plumb crazy. next minute he had plunged into the narrow strip of water between us and in a few minutes had swum to where i stood. "yes, of course it was none other than nelson smith! "i knowed that the minute i set eyes on him. he had the very look of not having no better sense than the man what wrote that board and then nearly committed suicide trying to get away from the best island in all the oceans. glad enough he was to get back, though, for the coconuts was running very short on the floater what had rescued him, and the turtle eggs wasn't worth mentioning. being short of grub is the surest way i know to cure a man's fear of the unknown." * * * * * "well, to make a long story short, nelson smith told me he was a aeronauter. in them days to be an aeronauter was not the same as to be an aviatress is now. there was dangers in the air, and dangers in the sea, and he had met with both. his gas tank had leaked and he had dropped into the water close by anita. a case or two of provisions was all he could save from the total wreck. "now, as you might guess, i was crazy enough to find out what had scared this nelson smith into trying to swim the pacific. he told me a story that seemed to fit pretty well with mine, only when it come to the scary part he shut up like a clam, that aggravating way some men have. i give it up at last for just man-foolishness, and we begun to scheme to get away. "anita moped some while we talked it over. i realized how she must be feeling, so i explained to her that it was right needful for us to get with our kind again. if we stayed with her we should probably quarrel like cats, and maybe even kill each other out of pure human cussedness. she cheered up considerable after that, and even, i thought, got a little anxious to have us leave. at any rate, when we begun to provision up the little floater, which we had anchored to the big island by a cable of twisted bark, the green nuts fell all over the ground, and nelson found more turtle nests in a day than i had in weeks. "during them days i really got fond of nelson smith. he was a companionable body, and brave, or he wouldn't have been a professional aeronauter, a job that was rightly thought tough enough for a woman, let alone a man. though he was not so well educated as me, at least he was quiet and modest about what he did know, not like some men, boasting most where there is least to brag of. "indeed, i misdoubt if nelson and me would not have quit the sea and the air together and set up housekeeping in some quiet little town up in new england, maybe, after we had got away, if it had not been for what happened when we went. i never, let me say, was so deceived in any man before nor since. the thing taught me a lesson and i never was fooled again. "we was all ready to go, and then one morning, like a parting gift from anita, come a soft and favoring wind. nelson and i run down the beach together, for we didn't want our floater to blow off and leave us. as we was running, our arms full of coconuts, nelson smith, stubbed his bare toe on a sharp rock, and down he went. i hadn't noticed, and was going on. "but sudden the ground begun to shake under my feet, and the air was full of a queer, grinding, groaning sound, like the very earth was in pain. "i turned around sharp. there sat nelson, holding his bleeding toe in both fists and giving vent to such awful words as no decent sea-going lady would ever speak nor hear to! "'stop it, stop it!' i shrieked at him, but 'twas too late. "island or no island, anita was a lady, too! she had a gentle heart, but she knowed how to behave when she was insulted. "with one terrible, great roar a spout of smoke and flame belched up out o' the heart of anita's crater hill a full mile into the air! "i guess nelson stopped swearing. he couldn't have heard himself, anyways. anita was talking now with tongues of flame and such roars as would have bespoke the raging protest of a continent. "i grabbed that fool man by the hand and run him down to the water. we had to swim good and hard to catch up with our only hope, the floater. no bark rope could hold her against the stiff breeze that was now blowing, and she had broke her cable. by the time we scrambled aboard great rocks was falling right and left. we couldn't see each other for a while for the clouds of fine gray ash. "it seemed like anita was that mad she was flinging stones after us, and truly i believe that such was her intention. i didn't blame her, neither! "lucky for us the wind was strong and we was soon out of range. "'so!' says i to nelson, after i'd got most of the ashes out of my mouth, and shook my hair clear of cinders. 'so, that was the reason you up and left sudden when you was there before! you aggravated that island till the poor thing druv you out!' "'well,' says he, and not so meek as i'd have admired to see him, 'how could i know the darn island was a lady?' "'actions speak louder than words,' says i. 'you should have knowed it by her ladylike behavior!' "'is volcanoes and slingin' hot rocks ladylike?' he says. 'is snakes ladylike? t'other time i cut my thumb on a tin can, i cussed a little bit. say--just a li'l' bit! an' what comes at me out o' all the caves, and out o' every crack in the rocks, and out o' the very spring o' water where i'd been drinkin'? why snakes! _snakes_, if you please, big, little, green, red and sky-blue-scarlet! what'd i do? jumped in the water, of course. why wouldn't i? i'd ruther swim and drown than be stung or swallowed to death. but how was i t' know the snakes come outta the rocks because i cussed?' "'you, couldn't,' i agrees, sarcastic. 'some folks never knows a lady till she up and whangs 'em over the head with a brick. a real, gentle, kind-like warning, them snakes were, which you would not heed! take shame to yourself, nelly,' says i, right stern, 'that a decent little island like anita can't associate with you peaceable, but you must hurt her sacredest feelings with language no lady would stand by to hear!' "i never did see anita again. she may have blew herself right out of the ocean in her just wrath at the vulgar, disgustin' language of nelson smith. i don't know. we was took off the floater at last, and i lost track of nelson just as quick as i could when we was landed at frisco. "he had taught me a lesson. a man is just full of mannishness, and the best of 'em ain't good enough for a lady to sacrifice her sensibilities to put up with. "nelson smith, he seemed to feel real bad when he learned i was not for him, and then he apologized. but apologies weren't no use to me. i could never abide him, after the way he went and talked right in the presence of me and my poor, sweet lady friend, anita!" * * * * * now i am well versed in the lore of the sea in all ages. through mists of time i have enviously eyed wild voyagings of sea rovers who roved and spun their yarns before the stronger sex came into its own, and ousted man from his heroic pedestal. i have followed--across the printed page--the wanderings of odysseus. before gulliver i have burned the incense of tranced attention; and with reverent awe considered the history of one munchausen, a baron. but alas, these were only men! in what field is not woman our subtle superior? meekly i bowed my head, and when my eyes dared lift again, the ancient mariness had departed, leaving me to sorrow for my surpassed and outdone idols. also with a bill for macaroons and tea of such incredible proportions that in comparison therewith i found it easy to believe her story! * * * * * image of splendor by lu kella _from venus to earth, and all the way between, it was a hell of a world for men ... and apprentice burnerman o'rielly particularly._ [transcriber's note: this etext was produced from planet stories summer 1955. extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the u.s. copyright on this publication was renewed.] the intercom roared fit to blow o'rielly back to venus. "burner four!" "on my way, sir!" at the first flash of red on the bank of meters apprentice burnerman o'rielly had slammed the safety helmet on his head; he was already throwing open the lock to the burner room. the hot, throbbing rumble whipped around him and near crushed his breath away. power! power of the universe trapped here and ready to destroy its captors given one chance! swiftly o'rielly unlocked the controls and reset them. the throbbing rumble changed tone. old callahan's voice crackled now through the helmet's ear contact. "well, mr. o'rielly?" "fusion control two points low, sir." o'rielly wondered had callahan passed out, was so long before the old burner chief demanded hoarsely, "didn't you lock them controls before blast-off?" "if every control hadn't been locked in correct setting," o'rielly answered from his own angry bewilderment, "the error would have registered before blast-off--wouldn't it, sir?" "so a control reset itself in flight, hey?" "i don't know yet, sir." "well, mr. o'rielly, you better know before we orbit earth!" the icy knot in o'rielly's stomach jerked tighter. a dozen burners on this ship; why did something crazy have to happen to o'rielly's? in a hundred years, so the instructors--brisk females all--had told o'rielly in pre-flight school, no control had ever been known to slip. but one had moved here. not enough to cause serious trouble this far out from earth. on blast-down, though, with one jet below peak, the uneven thrust could throw the ship, crash it, the whole lovely thing and all aboard gone in a churning cloud. sweat pouring off him, o'rielly prowled around his burner. design of the thing had been bossed by dames of course; what on earth wasn't any more? anyway, nobody could get to a burner except through its watch room. anyone entered or left there, a bell clanged, lights flashed and a meter registered beside the burnerman's bunk and on the burner chief's console up in the flight room full of beautifully efficient officers. ever since venus blast-off o'rielly had been in four's watch room. nobody had passed through. o'rielly knew it. callahan knew it. by now the old woman herself, captain millicent hatwoody, had probably inquired what was in charge of burner four. well, ma'am, o'rielly searched every cranny where even a three-tailed mouse of venus could have stowed away. his first flight, and o'rielly saw himself washed out, busted to sweeper on the blast-off stands of some god-forsaken satellite. he staggered back into his watch room. and his brain was suddenly taken apart and slapped together again. felt that way. she was sitting on his bunk. no three-tailed mouse. no old woman either. oh, she was a female human, though, this creature at which o'rielly stood gaping. yes, ma'am! "i was in your burner room." her voice matched the rest of her, a blend of loveliness unlike anything outside a guy's most secret dreams. "i couldn't stand the heat any longer and i couldn't open that big door. so i moved one of your controls a tiny bit. all the noise in there, naturally you couldn't hear me walk out while your back was turned resetting the control." * * * * * o'rielly suddenly felt like turning her over his knee and whaling her until she couldn't sit for a year. this, mind you, he felt in an age where no earth guy for a thousand years had dared raise so much as a breath against woman's supremacy in all matters. that male character trait, however, did not seem to be the overpowering reason why o'rielly, instead of laying violent hands upon this one's person, heard himself saying in sympathetic outrage, "a shame you had to go to all that bother to get out here!" "you're so kind. but i'm afraid i became rather sticky and smelly in there." "they ought to cool the air in there with perfume! i'll drop a suggestion in the old woman's box first chance i get." "you're so thoughtful. and do you have bathing facilities?" "that door right there. oh, let me open it for you!" "you're so sweet." her big dark eyes glowed with such pure innocence that o'rielly could have torn down the universe and rebuilt it just for her. yes, ma'am, o'rielly was floating on a pink cloud with heavenly music in his head. never felt so fine before. except on the venus layover when he'd been roped into a dice game with a bunch of venus lads who had a jug to cheer one's parting with one's money. a bell suddenly clanged fit to wake the dead while the overhead lights flashed wildly. only the watch room door. only callahan here now. old buzzard had a drooped nose like a pick, chin like a shovel. when he talked he was like digging a hole in front of himself. "well, what about that control?" "what control?" "your fusion control that got itself two points low!" "oh, that little thing." callahan said something through his teeth, then studied o'rielly sharply. "hey, you been wetting your whistle on that venus vino again? lemme smell your breath! bah. loaded yourself full of chlorophyll again probably. all right, stand aside whilst i see your burner." "charmed to, burner chief callahan, sir," o'rielly said while bowing gracefully. "higher than a swacked skunk's tail again," callahan muttered, then snapped back over his shoulder, "use your shower!" o'rielly stood considering his shower door. somehow he doubted that burner chief terrence callahan's mood, or captain millicent hatwoody's, would be improved by knowledge of she who was in o'rielly's shower now. not that the dear stowaway was less than charming. quite the contrary. oh, very quite! "you rockhead!" only callahan back from the burner. "didn't i tell you to shower the stink off yourself? old woman's taking a venus bigwig on tour the ship. old woman catches you like you been rassling skunks she'll peel both our hides off. not to mention what she'll do anyway about your fusion control!" "burner chief callahan, sir," o'rielly responded courteously, "i have been thinking." "with what? never mind, just keep on trying whilst i have a shower for myself here." wherewith callahan reached hand for o'rielly's shower door. "venus dames," o'rielly said dreamily, "don't boss anything, do they?" callahan yelped like he'd been bit in the pants by a big jupiter ant. "o'rielly! you trying to get both of us condemned to a uranus moon?" callahan also shot a wild look to the intercom switch. it was in off position; the flight room full of fancy gold-lace petticoats could not have overheard from here. nevertheless callahan's eyes rolled like the devil was behind him with the fork ready. "o'rielly, open your big ears whilst for your own good and mine i speak of certain matters. "thousand years ago, it was, the first flight reached venus. guys got one look at them dames. had to bring some home or bust. so then everybody on earth got a look, mostly by tv only of course. that did it. every guy on earth began blowing his fuse over them dames. give up the shirt off his back, last buck in the bank, his own earth dame or family--everything. "well, that's when earth dames took over like armies of wild cats with knots in their tails. before the guys who'd brought the venus dames to earth could say anything they was taken apart too small to pick up with a blotter. earth dames wound up by flying the venus ones back where they come from and serving notice if one ever set foot on earth again there wouldn't be enough left of venus to find with an electron microscope. * * * * * "venus boys rared up and served notice that if earth ever got any funny notions, right away there wouldn't be enough earth left to hide in an atom's eyebrow. touchy as hornets on a hot griddle, them venus guys. crazier than bed bugs about war. could smell a loose dollar a million light years away too. finagled around until they finally cooked up a deal. "no venus dames allowed within fifty miles of their port. earth guys stay inside the high-voltage fence. any dame caught trying to leave venus thrown to the tigers for supper. same for any earth guy caught around a venus dame. in return, earth could buy practically everything at bargain basement prices." "oh, i was shown the history films in pre-flight," o'rielly said, still dreamily. "but not a peek of any venus dame." "pray heaven you'll never lay eyes on one nor have one get within ten foot of you! even though you'd know she'd be your damnation wouldn't make a whit difference--you'd still act sappier than thirty-seven angels flying on vino." callahan suddenly stared at o'rielly. "holy hollering saints!" "now, now, burner chief callahan, sir," o'rielly responded with an airy laugh. "no earth guy for a hundred twenty-five years been near one and lived to tell it, has he?" "so the whispers run," callahan murmured with a queer flame dancing into his eyes. "so the old whispers still run." "never a name, though. never how it was done." o'rielly snorted. "probably just a goofy tale set loose by some old space bum." "oh?" callahan bristled up like a bad name had been bandied about. "seen them ditty bags venus bigwigs have, ain't you? some big enough to stuff a cow in. notice how nobody ever dares question a bigwig's bags, even through customs? just run 'em through the big geiger that tells whether there's any fusionable junk inside. well, our boy got himself one of them bags, stuffed himself inside and joined a bigwig's pile of 'em. "didn't pull it whilst on the venus port during a layover either, when a crew check would of turned him up missing. pulled it on vacation. started on the earth end. made himself a pair of beards to paste on his ears of course. wove jupiter wiggle worms in to keep the beards moving. wasn't like the real thing, but good enough to flimflam venus guys." with suddenly enlivened interest o'rielly looked at callahan. "hey, how come you know so much?" "hah? what?" callahan blinked like waking from a trance; even groaned to himself, something that sounded like, "blabbering like i'd had a nip myself--or one of them dillies was radiating nearby." then callahan glared fit to drill holes in o'rielly's head. "look! i was a full burnerman before you was born. been flying the spaces hundred twenty-five years now. had more chances to hear more--just hear more, you hear! only tried to clear your mind about venus dames so you could put your brain on your control mess. so now put it! if you ain't high on vino and ain't been made nuts by a venus dame, what answer do we feed the old woman?" "search me," apprentice burnerman o'rielly responded cheerfully. "of all the loony apprentices i ever had to answer the old woman for! awp, lemme out where i can think of something to save me own neck at least!" was all o'rielly could do to keep from rolling on the deck with glee. old callahan had been flimflammed for fair! the dear little stowaway was saved! and o'rielly would now think of grand ways to save her lovely neck and his own forever. o'rielly's shower door, however, opened abruptly. o'rielly had not opened it. o'rielly, however, suffered a cruel stab of dismay. surely his dear stowaway had been listening through the door. why didn't she have brains enough to stay hid until callahan was gone! at sight of her, of course, callahan's eyes near popped from his old head. "berta!" "oh, i'm trillium," she assured callahan sweetly. "but grandmamma's name is berta and people say i'm just like she was a hundred and twenty-five years ago." * * * * * "hah? what?" callahan blinked like his brain had been taken apart and was being slapped together again. "o'rielly! awp, you angel-faced pirate, couldn't you hide her somewheres better than that? shut up, you don't have to explain to me, but god help the whole universe if we don't flimflam the old woman!" with which ominous remark, rendered in a zesty devil-may-care manner, however, callahan threw himself into o'rielly's shower. o'rielly stood looking thoughtfully at lovely, womanly, exquisite trillium. just like that, o'rielly felt as sparkling of mind as a spiral nebula. "my locker!" he crowed with inspiration and yanked open the doors under his bunk. he glimpsed a black ditty bag, also the cap and coverall uniform of a baggage boy. "i threw them in there before you came on duty before blast-off," trillium explained. "i knew the burner room would be warm." trillium--with her shape--passing as a boy hustling bags through this ship. o'rielly chortled as he tucked her under his bunk. "now don't you worry about another thing!" "oh, i'm not," she assured him happily. "everything is going just the way grandmamma knew it would!" o'rielly's shower opened and callahan, glowing like a young bucko, bounced onto the bunk. "well, did you hide her good this time? no, don't tell me! i want to be surprised if the old woman ever finds her." "if what old woman finds whom?" a voice like thin ice crackling wanted to know. the watch room's door had opened. wouldn't think the old woman was a day over seventy-five, let alone near two hundred. cut of her uniform probably lent a helping hand or three to the young snap of her figure. frosty blue of fancy hair-do, she was, though, and icy of eye as she looked at o'rielly and callahan still lolling on the bunk. her voice was an iceberg exploding. "at attention!" never in his right mind would any crewman dare fail to come stiffly erect the instant the old woman appeared. behind her stood a colorfully robed specimen of venus man. handsome as the devil himself. fit to snap lesser men in two with his highly bejeweled hands. fuzzy beards trailed from his ears and kept twitching lazily as he sneered at the spectacle of two men meekly acknowledging the superiority of a woman. she was fit to put frost on a hydrogen burner. "mr. callahan, i asked you a question, did i not?" "believe you did, ma'am," callahan responded cheerfully. "and the answer is, ma'am, that apprentice burnerman o'rielly and me was discussing--ah--matrimony, ma'am. mr. apprentice burnerman o'rielly here is considering it, ma'am." wasn't too bad a fib. the more o'rielly thought of trillium, the more ideas he got of doing things he'd never dreamt of before in his life. yes, ma'am! "wasting your time talking nonsense!" old woman's look was fit to freeze o'rielly's brain, then she gave callahan the look. "i sent you down here to find the answer to that fusion control slippage!" "oh, you'll have the best answer you ever heard of before long, ma'am!" callahan assured her heartily. "the subject of nonsense--i mean, women--merely chanced to arise whilst we was scientifically analyzing the control phenomenon, ma'am. naturally i offered this innocent young burnerman the benefit of me long years of experience. why," callahan said with a jaunty laugh, "dames mean nothing to me. indeed 'twouldn't bother me none if there wasn't one of the things left in the world! present company excepted, of course," callahan hastened to say with a courtly bow. "stay at attention!" old woman sniffed the air near callahan's face, then in o'rielly's vicinity. "smothered it with chlorophyll probably," she muttered through her teeth, "if it is that vino." something horrible as a plague flickered in her eyes, then the old ice was there again. "apprentice burnerman, don't you know what your shower is for? then use it! mr. callahan, remain at attention while i inspect this burner!" she tendered a cool glance at the venus bigwig. "care to join me, your excellency?" "may as well." his excellency glanced at o'rielly and callahan much as he might at a couple of worms. could bet your last old sox no female ever told any venus man what to do. the shower units were equipped so no burnerman need be more than two steps from his responsibility. to keep the old woman from possibly blowing her gaskets completely, o'rielly simply stepped in, shut the door, flipped a switch and tingled as he was electronically cleansed of person and clothes. by time he finished, the old woman and his excellency were already coming out of the burner room, dripping with sweat. old woman opened the shower with her customary commanding air. "you first, your excellency." "my dear captain," his excellency replied like a smoothly drawn dagger, "always the lesser gender enjoys precedence." no earth dame ever admitted any guy was even equal to any female. old woman, a prime symbol of her gender's superiority, whipped a razor edge onto her own words. "facilities of the captain's quarters are more satisfactory." "no more so than those of the ambassadorial suite." * * * * * seeming to grind her teeth, the old o woman turned abruptly to leave o'rielly's watch room. was all o'rielly could do to keep from busting out laughing for joy. old woman had been flimflammed for fair! dear trillium was saved! and betwixt o'rielly's grand brain and callahan's great experience she'd be happy forever. a fine loud "thump," however, was now heard. old woman whirled back and yanked open the doors under o'rielly's bunk. "of all the sappy hiding places!" callahan yelped, in surprise of course. "trillium?" his excellency bellowed as if stung by one of the sabre-tailed hornets of his native planet. "trillium!" "trillium," o'rielly pleaded in loving anguish, "why do you have to keep coming out of hiding just when nobody's going to find you?" her eyes merely became deep pools in which o'rielly would have gladly drowned himself if he could. "there are rewards," the old woman said with the deadly coldness of outer space, "for earthmen found in a venus woman's company, and for her leaving her planet." "shut up!" his excellency's ear beards were standing straight out sideways. "i'll handle this!" "may i remind his excellency," the old woman snapped, "that i represent earth and her dominion of space gained by right of original flight!" "may i remind the captain," his excellency declared fit to be heard back to his planet, "that i am the personal ambassador of the president of venus and this thing can mean war!" "yes! war in which people will actually die!" as his excellency paled at that grisly remark, the old woman spoke through her teeth at o'rielly, callahan and trillium. "all right, come along!" o'rielly joined the death march gladly. he felt the way callahan looked: ready to wrap his arms around trillium's brave loveliness and protect it to his last breath of life. old woman led the way to her office. jabbed some buttons on her desk. panels on opposite walls lit up. "presidents of earth and venus, please," the old woman stated evenly. "interplanetary emergency." highly groomed flunkies appeared on the panels and were impersonally pleasant. "madame president's office. she is in a cabinet meeting." "mr. president's office. he is in personal command of our glorious war efforts." old woman sighed through her teeth. "venus woman aboard this ship. stowaway. rattle that around your belfries." the flunkies' faces went slack with shock, then were replaced by a blizzard of scrambled faces and torrents of incoherent voices. finally on the earth panel appeared the famous classic features. "the facts, if you please, captain hatwoody." the venus panel finally held steady on universally notorious features, that were as fierce as an eagle's, in a fancy war helmet. "trillium! my own granddaughter? impossible! dimdooly," mr. president roared at his excellency, "what's this nonsense?" "some loud creature is interfering," madame president snapped with annoyance. "blasted fools still have the circuits crossed," mr. president swore. "some silly female cackling now!" the parties in the panels saw each other now. each one's left hand on a desk moved toward a big red button marked, rockets. "so," mr. president said evenly. "another violation by your earthmen." "by your granddaughter, at least," madame president replied coolly. "an innocent child," mr. president snapped, "obviously kidnapped by those two idiotic earthmen there!" "oh, no, grandpapa," trillium said swiftly; "i stole away all by myself, and mr. o'rielly and callahan have been very helpful." "impossible!" grandpapa president's ear beards stood near straight up as he roared, "you couldn't have stolen away by yourself! trillium, tell the truth!" "very well. grandmamma told me how." * * * * * "obviously trillium's poor little brain has been drugged," his excellency dimdooly declared. "grandmamma berta wouldn't know the first thing about such things!" "impossible!" grandpapa president agreed. "i've been married to her for a hundred and twenty-four and a half years and she's the finest rattle-brain i ever knew!" "she learned," trillium stated emphatically, "a hundred and twenty-five years ago." "hundred twenty-five," grandpapa president growled like a boiling volcano. "the year some earthman.... never did catch the devil.... berta? impossible!" madame president's shapely finger now rested full on the button that could launch the fleets of war rockets that had been pre-aimed for a thousand years. "i'm afraid your ambassador is unwelcome now," madame president stated coolly. "your granddaughter's actions have every mark of an invasion tactic by your government." "what do you mean, her actions?" grandpapa president's finger now lay poised on the button that had been waiting a thousand years to blow earth out of the universe. "my grandchild was kidnapped by men under your official command! weren't you, trillium dear?" "no. one of us stowing away was the only way we venus women could bring our cause to the attention of earth's president. if earth will only stop buying from venus, you won't have any money to squander on your wars any longer no matter what happens to we revolutionaries!" "revolutionaries? such claptrap! and what's wrong with my wars? people have to have something to keep their minds off their troubles! nobody around here gets hurt. oh, maybe a few scratches here and there. but nobody on venus dies from the things any more." "but venus men are so excited all the time about going to war they haven't time for us women. that's why we always radiated such a fatal attraction for earthmen. we want to be loved! we want our own men home doing useful work!" "well, they do come home and do useful work! couple weeks every ten months. proven to be a highly efficient arrangement." "more boys to run off to your old wars and more girls to stay home and be lonely!" "now you just listen to me, trillium!" grandpapa president was all venus manhood laying down the law. "that's the way things have been on venus for ten thousand years and all the women in the universe can't change it!" "i have been in constant contact with my cabinet during these conversations," madame president said crisply. "earth is terminating all trade agreements with venus as of this instant." "what?" grandpapa's beards near pulled his ears off. "it's not legal! you can't get away with this!" "take your finger off that trigger, boy!" a heavenly voice similar to trillium's advised from the venus panel. whereupon grandpapa glared to one side. "berta! what are you doing here? i am deciding matters of the gravest interplanetary nature!" "were." features more beautifully mature than trillium's crowded onto the panel too. "from now on i'm doing the deciding." "nonsense! you're only my wife!" "and new president of venus, elected by unanimous vote of all women." "impossible! the men run venus! nobody's turning this planet into another earth where a man can't even sneeze unless some woman says so!" "take him away, girls," berta ordered coolly, whereupon her spouse was yanked from view. his bellows, however, could be heard yet. "unhand me, you fool creatures! guards! guards!" "save your breath," berta advised him. "and while you're in the cooler, enjoy this latest batch of surrender communiques. we women are in control everywhere now." "dimmy," trillium was saying firmly to his excellency, "you have beat around the bush with me long enough. now say it!" * * * * * dimdooly--the mighty, the lordly, who had sneered at the sight of mere earthmen kowtowing to a mere woman--swelled up fit to blow his gaskets, then all the gas went out of him. his ear beards, however, still had enough zip left to flutter like butterflies. "yes, trillium dear. i love only you. please marry me at your earliest convenience." "well, grandmamma," trillium said with a highly self-satisfied air, "it works. and just like you said, earthmen meant nothing once i knew we venus women had our own men in our power." "those crewmen there," grandmamma president said, "seem to be proof enough that we venus women no longer radiate any threat to earth's tranquility." yes, ma'am, o'rielly sure felt like proof of something all of a sudden. worse than the hangover from that crap game with venus vino. he looked away from trillium and took a look at callahan. old guy looked away from grandmamma president like he was packing the second biggest headache in history. "hmmmm, yes," madame president of earth observed. "reactions agree perfectly with the psychoanalytical research project we have been conducting on the subject of the venus female influence. madame president of venus, congratulations on your victory! "long may the superior sex reign on venus too! we shall be delighted to receive an ambassadoress to discuss a new trade treaty at your earliest convenience." "thank you for cancelling the old trade agreements at the psychological moment," grandmamma president said cordially. "what with the communications mixup, we managed to have the scenes on these panels broadcast throughout all venus. when the rug went out from under the top man, the tide really turned in our favor. now, trillium, you take over dimmy's credentials." "the ambassadorial suite, too," madame president of earth said graciously. "anything else now, berta?" "i should like," grandmamma president berta said charmingly, "that mr. o'rielly and mr. callahan be suitably rewarded for assisting our revolution better than they knew." "of course," madame president of earth was delighted to oblige. "no doubt captain hatwoody knows what reward would satisfy their needs best." the madame presidents switched to a private circuit, trillium dragged dimdooly off somewhere and the old woman eyed o'rielly and callahan. especially she eyed callahan, like running chilled drills through his old conniving brain. "i award the pair of you five minutes leisure before returning to your stations." "oh, well," o'rielly muttered, once he and callahan were safely beyond earshot, "could have been rewarded worse, i suppose." "what you expect for being flimflammed by a foreign dame, the rings of saturn? lucky we ain't programmed to be hung, shot and thrown to the crows for breakfast." callahan's old pick-and-shovel face wore a little grin like the cat that nobody could prove ate the canary. "you--i mean, that earth guy a hundred twenty-five years ago," o'rielly said in sudden thought. "if venus dames wanted to be loved so bad, why did trillium's grandmamma let him go?" "venus guys wasn't so busy playing war all the time," callahan mumbled, like to himself, "they'd of found out the answer centuries ago. yep, guess our boy was the only guy on earth or venus to find out and live. dames bossing both planets now, though, his old secret won't be one much longer. venus dames could of let it out centuries ago themselves but didn't, just to spite earth probably. later, was part of organizing to take over venus, i guess." o'rielly still had memories of the way he had felt about trillium before her revolution. "all right, callahan, why did 'our boy' leave grandmamma?" "yes, ma'am," callahan sighed like he hadn't heard a word o'rielly said, "you could sweet-talk 'em, kiss 'em and hold 'em tighter'n billy-be-damned. and that's all." "i'm not sure," o'rielly said, "what you mean by, 'that's all.'" "anybody ever seen anybody but a venus guy come built with ear beards? course not." "but i thought our boy was wearing the best fakes ever." "ain't nothing can match the natural growed-on variety, no, ma'am. venus guy kisses a venus dame, his beards grabs her roundst the ears." "so what?" "tickles 'em, boy, tickles 'em!" after some tomorrow by mack reynolds _alan's plan might save the race from extinction--but he was the clan's only husband and had to be protected from his own folly...._ [transcriber's note: this etext was produced from worlds of if science fiction, june 1956. extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the u.s. copyright on this publication was renewed.] before the first shots rang out, alan had been sitting with some twenty young people of the wolf clan in a grove of aspen approximately half way between the fields and the citadel on the hill-top. he had been teaching them myth-legend and, as usual, the girls were bored and unbelieving, the boys open mouthed. he realized, even as he spoke, that the telling had changed even since his own youth. as a boy of ten, before it was definitely known whether or not he was a sterilie, he had sat at the feet of the turtle clan's husband as open mouthed as those who sat at his feet now. but the telling was different. now, had he spoken openly of when men bore weapons and women lived at home with the children, he would have crossed the boundaries of decency. it hadn't been so in his own youth, but then, when he was a boy, they had been one generation nearer to the old days, which weren't so far back after all. helen complained, "this is so silly, alan. why don't you tell us something about ... well, about hunting, or true fighting?" he looked at her. could this be a daughter of his? tall for her fourteen years and straight, clear of eye, aggressive and brooking of no nonsense. the old books told of the femininity of women, but.... the shots went _bang, bang, bang_, from below, faint in the half mile or more of distance. and then _bang, bang_ again and several _booms_ from the new muzzle loading muskets. helen was on her feet first, her eyes flashing. instantly she was in command. "alan," she snapped. "quick, to the citadel. all of you boys, hurry! to the citadel!" she whirled to her older classmates. "ruth, margo, jenny, paula. get stones, sharp stones. you younger girls go with alan. see if you can help at the citadel. we'll come last. hurry alan." alan was already off, herding the boys before him. possibly all of them were sterilies and so wouldn't count. but you never knew. as they climbed the hill, he looked back over his shoulder. down in the fields he could see the workers scattering for their weapons and for cover. one stumbled and was down. in the distance he couldn't make out whether she had fallen accidentally or been wounded. further beyond the fields he could see the smoke from a half dozen or more places where the shots had originated. it didn't seem to be an attack in force. not far up the hill from the field workers, on a overhanging boulder in a lookout position, he could make out vivian, the scout chief. she sat, seemingly in unconcerned ease, one elbow supported on a knee as her telescoped rifle went _crack, crack, crack_. if he knew vivian there was more than one casualty among the raiders. who could it be this time? deer from the south, coyote or horse from the east? possibly eagles, crows or dogs from denver way. the clan couldn't stand much more of this pressure. it was the third raid in six months. they couldn't stand it and put in a crop, nor could the drain on the arsenal be maintained. he had heard that the turtle clan, near colorado springs, the clan of his birth, had got to the point where they were using bows and arrows even for defense. if so, it wouldn't be long before they would be losing their husband. he was puffing somewhat by the time they reached the citadel. helen and her four girls were coming much more slowly, watching the progress of the fight below them, keeping their eyes peeled for a possible break through of individual enemies. the stones in their hands were pathetically brave. the rounded citadel building, stone built, loopholed for rifles, loomed before them. he swung open the door and hurried inside. "hello, honey," a strange voice said pseudo-pleasantly. "hey, you're kind of cute." alan's eyes went from the two figures before him, automatic rifles cuddled under their arms, to the two wolf clan sentries collapsed in their own blood on the floor. they had paid for lack of vigilance with their lives. he could see that the strangers were of different clans by their kilts, one a horse the other a crow. this would mean two clans had united in order to raid the wolves and that, in turn, would mean the wolves were outnumbered as much as two to one. "relax, darling," the second one said, a lewd quality in her voice. "nothing's going to happen to _you_." her eyes took in the dozen boys ranging in age from five to twelve. "look like a bunch of sterilies to me," she sneered. "get them up above, and those girls too. you stay here where we can watch you, honey." the crow went to a small window, stared down below. "wanda is holding them pretty well but they're beginning to work their way back in this direction." she laughed harshly. "these wolves never could fight." her companion fingered the bren gun which lay on the heavy table top in the round room's center. aside from four equally heavily constructed chairs the table was the large room's sole furniture. while alan was ushering the boys and younger girls up to the second floor where they would be safe, the horse said musingly, "we could turn this loose on them even at this distance." the crow shook her head. "no. it'll be better to wait until they're closer. besides, by that time peggy and her group'll be coming up from the arroyo. there won't be a wolf left half an hour from now." alan, his stomach empty, stared out the loophole nearest him. one of the women said, grinning, "you better get away from there, honey. make you sick. that's a mighty pretty suit you've got on. make it yourself?" "no," alan said. as a matter of fact one of the sterilies had made it. she laughed. "well, don't be so uppity. you're going to have to learn how to be nice to me, you know." both of them laughed, but alan said nothing. he wondered how long the women of these clans had been without a husband. down below he could make out the progress of the fighting and then realized the battle plan of the aggressors. they must have planned it for months, waiting until the season was such that practically the whole wolf clan, and particularly the fighters, would be at work in the fields. they'd sent these two scouts, probably their best warriors, to take the citadel by stealth. only two of them, more would have been conspicuous. they had then, with a limited force, opened fire on the field workers, pinning them down temporarily. meanwhile, the main body was ascending the arroyo to the left, completely hidden from the defending forces although they would have been in open sight from above had the citadel remained uncaptured. alan could see plainly what the next fifteen minutes would mean. the wolf clan would draw back on the citadel, vivian and her younger warriors bringing up the rear. when they broke into the clear and started the last dash for the safety of their fortress, they would be in the open and at the mercy of the crossfire from arroyo and citadel. if only these two had failed in their attempt to.... the crow woman said, "look at this. five young brats with stones in their hands. what do you say?" it was helen and her four girls. alan said, "they're only children! you can't...." "you be quiet, sweetheart. we can't be bothered with you." the horse said, "two years from now they'll all be warriors. here, let me turn this on them." alan closed his eyes and he wanted to retch as he heard the automatic rifle speak out in five short bursts. in spite of himself he opened them again. helen, his first born, paula, his second. ruth, margo and jenny, all his children. they were crumbled like rag dolls, fifty feet from the citadel door. now he was able to tell himself that he should have called out a warning. one or two of them, at least, might have escaped. might have escaped to warn the approaching fighters of the trap behind them. tradition had been too strong within him, the tradition that a man did not interfere in the business of the warriors, that war was a thing apart. jenny's body moved, stirred again, and she tried to drag herself away. little jenny, twelve years old. the rifle spat just once again and she slumped forward and remained quiet. "little bitch," the crow woman said. the heavy chair was in his hands and high above his head, he had brought it down on her before the rage of his hate had allowed him to think of what he was doing. the chair splintered but there was still a good half of it in his hands when he spun on the horse woman. she stepped back, her eyes wide in disbelief. as her companion went down, the side of her face and her scalp welling blood, the horse at first brought up her rifle and then, in despair, tried to reverse it to use its butt as a club. she was stumbling backward, trying to get out of the way of his improvised weapon, when her heel caught on the body of one of the fallen wolf sentries. she tried to catch herself, her eyes still staring horrified disbelief, even as he caught her over the head, and then once again. he beat her, beat her hysterically, until he knew she must be dead. he worked now in a mental vacuum, all but unconsciously. he ran to the stair bottom and called, "come down," his voice was shrill. "alice, tommy, all of you." * * * * * they came, hesitantly, and when they saw the shambles of the room stared at him with as much disbelief as had the enemy women. he pointed a finger at the oldest of the girls. "alice," he said, "you've been given instruction by the warriors. how is the bren gun fired?" the eleven year old bug eyed at him. "but you're a husband, alan...." "how is it fired?" he shrilled. "unless you tell me, there will be no wolf clan left!" he lugged the heavy gun to the window, mounted it there as he had seen the women do in practice. "tommy," he said to a thirteen year old boy. "quick, get me a pan of ammunition." "i can't," tommy all but wailed. "get it!" "i can't. it's ... it's _unmanly_!" tommy melted into a sea of tears, utterly confused. "maureen," alan snapped, cooler now. "get me a pan of ammunition for the bren gun. quickly. alice, show me how the gun is charged." alice was at his side, trying to explain. he would have let her take over had she been larger, but he knew she couldn't handle the bucking of the weapon. maureen had returned with the ammunition, slipped it expertly into place. she too had had instructions in the gun's operation. alan ran his eyes down the arroyo. there were possibly forty of them, horses and crows--well armed, he could see. less than a quarter of them had the new muzzle loaders being resorted to by many as ammunition stocks for the old arms became increasingly rare. the others had ancient arms, rifles, both military and sport, one or two tommy guns. he waited another three or four minutes, one eye cocked on the progress of the running battle below. vivian, the scout chief, had dropped back to take over command of the younger warriors. she was probably beginning to smell a rat. the intensity of fire wasn't such as to suggest a large body of enemy. the women in the arroyo were placed now as he wanted them. he forced himself to keep his eyes open as he pressed the trigger. _blat, blat, blat._ the gun spoke, kicking high the dust and gravel before the horse and crow warriors advancing up the arroyo. they stopped, startled. the citadel was supposedly in their hands. they reversed themselves and scurried back to get out of their exposed position. he touched the trigger again. _blat, blat, blat._ the heavy slugs tore up the arroyo wall behind them, they could retreat no further without running into his fire. they stopped, confused. alan said, "maureen, get another pan of ammunition. i'll have to hold them there until vivian comes up. alice, run down to the matriarch and tell her about the warriors in the arroyo. quickly, now." little alice said sourly, "a husband shouldn't interfere in warrior affairs," but she went. * * * * * when vivian strode into the citadel she had her sniper rifle slung over her back and was admiring a tommy gun she had taken from one of the captured horses. "perfect," she said, stroking the stock. "perfect shape. and they seem to have worlds of ammunition too. must have made some kind of deal with the denver clans." her eyes swept the room and her mouth turned down in sour amusement. the horse woman was dead and the crow had by now been marched off to take her place with the other prisoners who were being held in the stone corral. "what warriors," she said contemptuously. "a _man_ overcomes two of them. _two_ of them, mind you." she looked at alan, the reaction was upon him now and he was white faced and couldn't keep his hands from trembling. "what a cutie you turned out to be. who ever heard of such a thing?" alan said, defensively, "they didn't expect it. i took them unawares." vivian laughed aloud, her even white teeth sparkling in the redness of her lips. she was tall, shapely, a twenty-five year old goddess in her wolf clan kilts. "i'll bet you did, sweetie." one of the other warriors entered from behind vivian, looked at the dead horse woman and shuddered. "what a way to die, not even able to defend yourself." she said to vivian worriedly, "they've got an awful lot of equipment, chief." vivian said, "well, what're you worrying about, jean? _we_ have it now." the girl said, "they have three tommy guns, four automatic rifles, twenty grenades and forty sticks of dynamite." vivian was impatient. "they had them, now they're ours. it's good, not bad." jean said doggedly, "these raids are coming more and more often. we've lost ten fighters in less than a year. and each time they come at us they're better equipped and there're more of them." she looked over at alan. "if it hadn't been for this ... this queer way things worked out, they'd have our husband now and we'd be done for." "well, it didn't happen that way," vivian said abruptly, "and we still have our husband and we're going to keep him. this wasn't a bad action at all. they killed three of us, we've got more than forty of them." "not three, eight," jean said. "you forget the five girls. in another couple of years they'd have been warriors. and besides, what difference does it make if we've got forty of them? there're always more of them where they came from. there must be a thousand women toward denver without a husband between them." vivian quieted. "let's hope they don't all decide on alan at once," she said. "i wonder if the turtles are having the same trouble." "they're having more," alan said. he had lowered himself wearily into one of the chairs. the two warriors looked at him. "how do you know, sweetie?" vivian asked him. "i was talking to warren, a few weeks ago. he's husband of the turtle clan now, they traded him from the foxes. both clans were getting too interbred...." "get to the point, honey," jean said, embarrassed at this man talk. "the turtles are having more trouble than we are. they have a stronger natural fortress at the center of their farm lands, but they've had so many raids that their arsenal is depleted and half their warriors dead or wounded. they're getting desperate." "that's too bad," vivian muttered. "they make good neighbors." jean said, "the matriarch told me to let you know there'd be a meeting this afternoon in the assembly hall. clan meeting, all present." "what about?" vivian said, her attention going back to the beauty of her captured weapon again. "about the prisoners. we've got to decide what to do with them." "do with them? we'll push them over the side of the canyon. nobody thought we'd waste bullets on them did they?" alan said, mildly, "the question has come up whether we ought to destroy them at all." vivian looked at him in gentle annoyance. "sweetie," she said, "don't bother your handsome head with these things. you've had enough excitement to last a nice looking fellow like you a lifetime." jean said, echoing her chief's disgust, "anyway, that's what the meeting is about. alan, here, has been talking to the matriarch and she's agreed to bring it up for discussion." vivian said nastily, "sally is beginning to lose her grip. if there's anything a clan needs it's a strong matriarch." "a wise matriarch," alan amended, knowing he shouldn't. vivian stared at him for a moment, then threw her head back and laughed. "i'm going to have to spank your bottom one of these days," she told him. "you get awfully sassy for a man." * * * * * as chairman, alan had a voice but not a vote in the meetings of the wolf clan. he sometimes wondered at the institution which had come down from pre-bomb days. why was it necessary to have a chair_man_. of course, myth-legend had it that men were once just as numerous and active in society's economic (and even martial!) life as were women. but that was myth-legend. it all had a _basis_ in reality, perhaps, but some of it was undoubtedly stretched all but to the breaking point. of course if all men _had_ been fertile in the old days. but if you started with _if_, as a beginning point, you could go as far as you wished in any direction. he called the meeting to order in the assembly hall which stood possibly a hundred feet below the citadel in one direction, another hundred from the stone corral which housed their prisoners, in the other. the wolf clan was present in its entirety with the exception of children under ten and except for four scouts who were holding the prisoners. as chairman, alan sat on the dais flanked by sally, the matriarch, 35 years of age, tall, junoesque, on one side and by vivian the scout chief, on the other. before them sat, first, the active warrior-workers, some thirty-five of them. second, the older women, less than a score. further back were the sterilies, possibly twenty of these and quite young, only within recent memory had they been allowed to become part of the clan, in the past they had been driven away or killed. further back still were the children above ten but too young to join the ranks of either warrior-workers or sterilies. alan called the meeting to order, quieted them somewhat and then invited the matriarch to take the floor. sally stood and looked out over her clan, the dignity of her presence silencing them where alan's plea had not. she said, "we have two matters to bring to our attention. first, i believe the clan should make it clear to alan, our husband, that such interference in the affairs of women is utterly out of the question. i am speaking of his unmanly activities in the raid this morning." there were mumblings of approval throughout the hall. alan came to his feet, his face bewildered. "but, sally, what else could i do? if i hadn't overcome the enemy warriors and turned the bren gun on the others you would all be gone now. possibly none of you would have survived." sally quieted him with a chill look. "let me repeat what is well known to every member of the clan. we consist of less than sixty women, a few more than thirty-five of whom are active. there are twenty sterilies and twenty-five or so children. and one husband. a few more than one hundred in all." her voice slowed and lowered for the sake of emphasis. "all of our women--except for two or three--might die and the clan would live on. the sterilies certainly might all die, and the clan live on. even the children could all die and the clan live on. _but if our husband dies, the clan dies._ the greatest responsibility of every member of any clan is to protect the husband. under no circumstances is he to be endangered. you know this, it should not have to be brought to your attention." there was a strong murmur of assent from those seated before them. alan said, "but, sally, i saved your lives! and if i hadn't, i would have been captured by the crows and horses and you would have lost me at any rate." this was hard for sally wolf, but she said, "then, at least, _they_ would have had you. if you had died, in your foolhardiness, you would have been gone for all of us. alan, two clans, husbandless clans, united in this attempt to capture you from us. while we fought to protect our husband, the life of our clan, we hold no rancor against them. in their position, we would have done the same. much rather would we see you taken by them, than to see you dead. even though the wolf clan might die, the race must go on." she added, but not very believably, "if they had captured you, perhaps we could have, in our turn, captured a husband from some other clan." "the reason we probably couldn't," vivian said mildly, "is that since we've turned to agriculture and settled, our numbers have dropped off by half. we had more than sixty warriors while we were hunter-foragers." "that's enough, vivian," sally snapped. "the question isn't being discussed this afternoon." "ought to be," somebody whispered down in front. "order," alan said. he knew it was a growing belief in the clan that giving up the nomadic life had been a mistake. from raiders, they had become the raided. sally said, "the second order of business is the disposal of the horse and crow prisoners captured in the action today." vivian said, "we can't afford to waste valuable ammunition. i say shove them into the canyon." most of those seated in the hall approved of that. some were puzzled of face, wondering why the matter hadn't been left simply in the scout chief's hands. sally said, dryly, "i haven't formed an opinion myself. however, our chairman has some words to say." vivian looked at alan as though he was a precocious child. she shook her head. "you cutie, you. you're getting bigger and bigger for your britches every day." two or three of the warriors echoed her by chuckling fondly. alan said nothing to that, needing to maintain what dignity and prestige he could muster. he stood and faced them and waited for their silence before saying, "you feminine members of the clan are too busy with work and with defense to pursue some of the studies for which we men find time." vivian murmured, "you ain't just a whistlin', honey. but we don't mind. you do what you want with your time, honey." he tried to smile politely, but went on. "it has come to the point where few women read to any extent and most learning has fallen into the hands of the men--few as we are." sally said impatiently, "what has this got to do with the prisoners, alan dear?" it would seem that he had ignored her when he said, "i have been discussing the matter with warren of the turtle clan and two or three other men with whom i occasionally come in contact. at the rate the race is going, there will be no men left at all in another few generations." there was quiet in the long hall. deathly quiet. sally said, "how ... how do you mean, dear?" "i mean our present system can't go on. it isn't working." "of course it's working," vivian snapped. "here we are aren't we? it's always worked, it always will. here's the clan. you're our husband. after we've had you for twenty years, we'll trade you to another clan for their husband--prevents interbreeding. if you have a fertile son, the clan will either split, each half taking one husband, or we'll trade him off for land, or guns, or whatever else is valuable. of course, it works." he shook his head, stubbornly. "things are changing. for a generation or two after bomb day, we were in chaos. by time things cleared we were divided as we are now, in clans. however, we were still largely able to exist on the canned goods, the animals, left over from the old days. there was food and guns for all and only a few of the men were sterilies." vivian began to say something again, but he shook a hand negatively at her, pleading for silence. "no, i'm not talking about myth-legend now. warren's great-grandfather, whom he knew as a boy, remembers when there were four times or more the number of men we have today and when the sterilies were very few." vivian said impatiently, "what's this got to do with the prisoners? there they are. we can kill them or let them go. if we let them go, they'll be coming back, six months from now, to take another crack at us. alan is cute as a button, but i don't think he should meddle in women's affairs." but most of them were silent. they looked up at him, waiting for him to go on. "i suppose," sally said, "that you're coming to a point, dear?" he nodded, his face tight. "i'm coming to the point. the point is that we've got to change the basis of clan society. this isn't working any more--if it ever did. there's such a thing as planned breeding ..." it had been hard to say this, and the younger women in the audience, in particular, tittered "... and we're going to have to think in terms of it." sally had flushed. she said now, "a certain dignity is expected at a clan meeting, alan dear. but just what did you mean?" vivian said, "this is nonsense, i'm leaving," and she was up from the speaker's table and away. two or three of her younger girls looked after, scowling, but they didn't follow her out of the hall. "i mean," alan said doggedly, "that one of those crow women has been the mother of two fertile men. to my knowledge she is the only woman within hundreds of miles this can be said about. we men have been keeping records of such things." sally was as mystified as the rest of the clan. alan said, "i say bring these women into the clan. unite with the turtles and the burros so that we'll have three clans, five counting the horses and crows. then we'll have enough strength to fight off the forager-hunters, and we'll have enough men to experiment in selective breeding." half of the hall was on its feet in a roar. "share you with these ... these desert rats who just raided us, who killed eight of our clan?" sally snapped, flabbergasted. he stood his ground. "yes. i'll repeat, one of those crow women has borne two fertile men children. we can't afford to kill her. for all we know, she might have a dozen more. this haphazard method of a single husband for a whole clan must be replaced...." the hall broke down into chaos again. sally held up a commanding hand for silence. she said, "and if we share you with another forty or fifty women, to what extent will the rest of us have any husband at all?" he pointed out the sterilies, seated silently in the back. "it would be healthier if you gave up some of this superior contempt you hold for sterile males and accept their companionship. although they cannot be fathers, they can be mates otherwise. as it is, how much true companionship do you secure from me--any of you? less than once a month do you see me more than from a distance." "mate with sterilies?" someone gasped from the front row. "yes," alan snapped back. "and let fertile men be used expressly for attempting to produce additional fertile men. confound it, can't you warriors realize what i'm saying? i have reports that there is a woman among the crows who has borne two fertile male children. have you ever heard of any such phenomenon before? do you realize that in the fifteen years i have been the husband of this clan, we have not had even one fertile man child born? do you realize that in the past twenty years there has been born not one fertile man child in the turtle clan? only one in the burro clan?" he had them in the palm of his hand now. "what--what does the turtle clan think of this plan of yours?" sally said. "i was talking to warren just the other day. he thinks he can win their approval. we can also probably talk the burros into it. they're growing desperate. their husband is nearly sixty years old and has produced only one fertile male child, which was later captured in a raid by the denver foragers." sally said, "and we'd have to share you with all these, and with our prisoners as well?" "yes, in an attempt to breed fertile men back into the race." sally turned to the assembled clan. a heavy explosion, room-shaking in its violence, all but threw them to the floor. half a dozen of the younger warriors scurried to the windows, guns at the ready. in the distance, from the outside, there was the chatter of a machine gun, then individual pistol shots. "the corral," jean the scout said, her lips going back over her teeth. vivian came sauntering back into the assembly hall, patting the stock of her new tommy gun appreciately. "works like a charm," she said. "that dynamite we captured was fresh too. blew 'em to smithereens. only had to finish off half a dozen." alan said, agonizingly, "vivian! you didn't ... the prisoners?" she grinned at him. "alan, you're as cute as a button, but you don't know anything about women's affairs. now you be a honey and go back to taking care of the children." venus is a man's world by william tenn illustrated by gene fawcette [transcriber's note: this etext was produced from galaxy science fiction july 1951. extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the u.s. copyright on this publication was renewed.] actually, there wouldn't be too much difference if women took over the earth altogether. but not for some men and most boys! i've always said that even if sis is seven years older than me--and a girl besides--she don't always know what's best. put me on a spaceship jam-packed with three hundred females just aching to get themselves husbands in the one place they're still to be had--the planet venus--and you know i'll be in trouble. bad trouble. with the law, which is the worst a boy can get into. twenty minutes after we lifted from the sahara spaceport, i wriggled out of my acceleration hammock and started for the door of our cabin. "now you be careful, ferdinand," sis called after me as she opened a book called _family problems of the frontier woman_. "remember you're a nice boy. don't make me ashamed of you." i tore down the corridor. most of the cabins had purple lights on in front of the doors, showing that the girls were still inside their hammocks. that meant only the ship's crew was up and about. ship's crews are men; women are too busy with important things like government to run ships. i felt free all over--and happy. now was my chance to really see the _eleanor roosevelt_! * * * * * it was hard to believe i was traveling in space at last. ahead and behind me, all the way up to where the companionway curved in out of sight, there was nothing but smooth black wall and smooth white doors--on and on and on. _gee_, i thought excitedly, this is _one big ship_! of course, every once in a while i would run across a big scene of stars in the void set in the wall; but they were only pictures. nothing that gave the feel of great empty space like i'd read about in _the boy rocketeers_, no portholes, no visiplates, nothing. so when i came to the crossway, i stopped for a second, then turned left. to the right, see, there was deck four, then deck three, leading inward past the engine fo'c'sle to the main jets and the grav helix going _purr-purr-purrty-purr_ in the comforting way big machinery has when it's happy and oiled. but to the left, the crossway led all the way to the outside level which ran just under the hull. there were portholes on the hull. i'd studied all that out in our cabin, long before we'd lifted, on the transparent model of the ship hanging like a big cigar from the ceiling. sis had studied it too, but she was looking for places like the dining salon and the library and lifeboat 68 where we should go in case of emergency. i looked for the _important_ things. as i trotted along the crossway, i sort of wished that sis hadn't decided to go after a husband on a luxury liner. on a cargo ship, now, i'd be climbing from deck to deck on a ladder instead of having gravity underfoot all the time just like i was home on the bottom of the gulf of mexico. but women always know what's right, and a boy can only make faces and do what they say, same as the men have to do. still, it was pretty exciting to press my nose against the slots in the wall and see the sliding panels that could come charging out and block the crossway into an airtight fit in case a meteor or something smashed into the ship. and all along there were glass cases with spacesuits standing in them, like those knights they used to have back in the middle ages. "in the event of disaster affecting the oxygen content of companionway," they had the words etched into the glass, "break glass with hammer upon wall, remove spacesuit and proceed to don it in the following fashion." i read the "following fashion" until i knew it by heart. _boy_, i said to myself, _i hope we have that kind of disaster. i'd sure like to get into one of those! bet it would be more fun than those diving suits back in undersea!_ and all the time i was alone. that was the best part. * * * * * then i passed deck twelve and there was a big sign. "notice! passengers not permitted past this point!" a big sign in red. i peeked around the corner. i knew it--the next deck was the hull. i could see the portholes. every twelve feet, they were, filled with the velvet of space and the dancing of more stars than i'd ever dreamed existed in the universe. there wasn't anyone on the deck, as far as i could see. and this distance from the grav helix, the ship seemed mighty quiet and lonely. if i just took one quick look.... but i thought of what sis would say and i turned around obediently. then i saw the big red sign again. "passengers not permitted--" well! didn't i know from my civics class that only women could be earth citizens these days? sure, ever since the male desuffrage act. and didn't i know that you had to be a citizen of a planet in order to get an interplanetary passport? sis had explained it all to me in the careful, patient way she always talks politics and things like that to men. "technically, ferdinand, i'm the only passenger in our family. you can't be one, because, not being a citizen, you can't acquire an earth passport. however, you'll be going to venus on the strength of this clause--'miss evelyn sparling and all dependent male members of family, this number not to exceed the registered quota of sub-regulations pertaining'--and so on. i want you to understand these matters, so that you will grow into a man who takes an active interest in world affairs. no matter what you hear, women really like and appreciate such men." of course, i never pay much attention to sis when she says such dumb things. i'm old enough, i guess, to know that it isn't what _women_ like and appreciate that counts when it comes to people getting married. if it were, sis and three hundred other pretty girls like her wouldn't be on their way to venus to hook husbands. still, if i wasn't a passenger, the sign didn't have anything to do with me. i knew what sis could say to _that_, but at least it was an argument i could use if it ever came up. so i broke the law. i was glad i did. the stars were exciting enough, but away off to the left, about five times as big as i'd ever seen it, except in the movies, was the moon, a great blob of gray and white pockmarks holding off the black of space. i was hoping to see the earth, but i figured it must be on the other side of the ship or behind us. i pressed my nose against the port and saw the tiny flicker of a spaceliner taking off, marsbound. i wished i was on that one! then i noticed, a little farther down the companionway, a stretch of blank wall where there should have been portholes. high up on the wall in glowing red letters were the words, "lifeboat 47. passengers: thirty-two. crew: eleven. unauthorized personnel keep away!" another one of those signs. * * * * * i crept up to the porthole nearest it and could just barely make out the stern jets where it was plastered against the hull. then i walked under the sign and tried to figure the way you were supposed to get into it. there was a very thin line going around in a big circle that i knew must be the door. but i couldn't see any knobs or switches to open it with. not even a button you could press. that meant it was a sonic lock like the kind we had on the outer keeps back home in undersea. but knock or voice? i tried the two knock combinations i knew, and nothing happened. i only remembered one voice key--might as well see if that's it, i figured. "twenty, twenty-three. open sesame." for a second, i thought i'd hit it just right out of all the million possible combinations--the door clicked inward toward a black hole, and a hairy hand as broad as my shoulders shot out of the hole. it closed around my throat and plucked me inside as if i'd been a baby sardine. i bounced once on the hard lifeboat floor. before i got my breath and sat up, the door had been shut again. when the light came on, i found myself staring up the muzzle of a highly polished blaster and into the cold blue eyes of the biggest man i'd ever seen. he was wearing a one-piece suit made of some scaly green stuff that looked hard and soft at the same time. his boots were made of it too, and so was the hood hanging down his back. and his face was brown. not just ordinary tan, you understand, but the deep, dark, burned-all-the-way-in brown i'd seen on the lifeguards in new orleans whenever we took a surface vacation--the kind of tan that comes from day after broiling day under a really hot sun. his hair looked as if it had once been blond, but now there were just long combed-out waves with a yellowish tinge that boiled all the way down to his shoulders. i hadn't seen hair like that on a man except maybe in history books; every man i'd ever known had his hair cropped in the fashionable soup-bowl style. i was staring at his hair, almost forgetting about the blaster which i knew it was against the law for him to have at all, when i suddenly got scared right through. his eyes. they didn't blink and there seemed to be no expression around them. just coldness. maybe it was the kind of clothes he was wearing that did it, but all of a sudden i was reminded of a crocodile i'd seen in a surface zoo that had stared quietly at me for twenty minutes until it opened two long tooth-studded jaws. "green shatas!" he said suddenly. "only a tadpole. i must be getting jumpy enough to splash." then he shoved the blaster away in a holster made of the same scaly leather, crossed his arms on his chest and began to study me. i grunted to my feet, feeling a lot better. the coldness had gone out of his eyes. i held out my hand the way sis had taught me. "my name is ferdinand sparling. i'm very pleased to meet you, mr.--mr.--" "hope for your sake," he said to me, "that you aren't what you seem--tadpole brother to one of them husbandless anura." "_what?_" "a 'nuran is a female looking to nest. anura is a herd of same. come from flatfolk ways." "flatfolk are the venusian natives, aren't they? are you a venusian? what part of venus do you come from? why did you say you hope--" he chuckled and swung me up into one of the bunks that lined the lifeboat. "questions you ask," he said in his soft voice. "venus is a sharp enough place for a dryhorn, let alone a tadpole dryhorn with a boss-minded sister." "i'm not a dryleg," i told him proudly. "_we're_ from undersea." "_dryhorn_, i said, not dryleg. and what's undersea?" "well, in undersea we called foreigners and newcomers drylegs. just like on venus, i guess, you call them dryhorns." and then i told him how undersea had been built on the bottom of the gulf of mexico, when the mineral resources of the land began to give out and engineers figured that a lot could still be reached from the sea bottoms. * * * * * he nodded. he'd heard about the sea-bottom mining cities that were bubbling under protective domes in every one of the earth's oceans just about the same time settlements were springing up on the planets. he looked impressed when i told him about mom and pop being one of the first couples to get married in undersea. he looked thoughtful when i told him how sis and i had been born there and spent half our childhood listening to the pressure pumps. he raised his eyebrows and looked disgusted when i told how mom, as undersea representative on the world council, had been one of the framers of the male desuffrage act after the third atomic war had resulted in the maternal revolution. * * * * * he almost squeezed my arm when i got to the time mom and pop were blown up in a surfacing boat. "well, after the funeral, there was a little money, so sis decided we might as well use it to migrate. there was no future for her on earth, she figured. you know, the three-out-of-four." "how's that?" "the three-out-of-four. no more than three women out of every four on earth can expect to find husbands. not enough men to go around. way back in the twentieth century, it began to be felt, sis says, what with the wars and all. then the wars went on and a lot more men began to die or get no good from the radioactivity. then the best men went to the planets, sis says, until by now even if a woman can scrounge a personal husband, he's not much to boast about." the stranger nodded violently. "not on earth, he isn't. those busybody anura make sure of that. what a place! suffering gridniks, i had a bellyful!" he told me about it. women were scarce on venus, and he hadn't been able to find any who were willing to come out to his lonely little islands; he had decided to go to earth where there was supposed to be a surplus. naturally, having been born and brought up on a very primitive planet, he didn't know "it's a woman's world," like the older boys in school used to say. the moment he landed on earth he was in trouble. he didn't know he had to register at a government-operated hotel for transient males; he threw a bartender through a thick plastic window for saying something nasty about the length of his hair; and _imagine_!--he not only resisted arrest, resulting in three hospitalized policemen, but he sassed the judge in open court! "told me a man wasn't supposed to say anything except through female attorneys. told _her_ that where _i_ came from, a man spoke his piece when he'd a mind to, and his woman walked by his side." "what happened?" i asked breathlessly. "oh, guilty of this and contempt of that. that blown-up brinosaur took my last munit for fines, then explained that she was remitting the rest because i was a foreigner and uneducated." his eyes grew dark for a moment. he chuckled again. "but i wasn't going to serve all those fancy little prison sentences. forcible citizenship indoctrination, they call it? shook the dead-dry dust of the misbegotten, god forsaken mother world from my feet forever. the women on it deserve their men. my pockets were folded from the fines, and the paddlefeet were looking for me so close i didn't dare radio for more munit. so i stowed away." * * * * * for a moment, i didn't understand him. when i did, i was almost ill. "y-you mean," i choked, "th-that you're b-breaking the law right now? and i'm with you while you're doing it?" he leaned over the edge of the bunk and stared at me very seriously. "what breed of tadpole are they turning out these days? besides, what business do _you_ have this close to the hull?" after a moment of sober reflection, i nodded. "you're right. i've also become a male outside the law. we're in this together." he guffawed. then he sat up and began cleaning his blaster. i found myself drawn to the bright killer-tube with exactly the fascination sis insists such things have always had for men. "ferdinand your label? that's not right for a sprouting tadpole. i'll call you ford. my name's butt. butt lee brown." i liked the sound of ford. "is butt a nickname, too?" "yeah. short for alberta, but i haven't found a man who can draw a blaster fast enough to call me that. you see, pop came over in the eighties--the big wave of immigrants when they evacuated ontario. named all us boys after canadian provinces. i was the youngest, so i got the name they were saving for a girl." "you had a lot of brothers, mr. butt?" he grinned with a mighty set of teeth. "oh, a nestful. of course, they were all killed in the blue chicago rising by the macgregor boys--all except me and saskatchewan. then sas and me hunted the macgregors down. took a heap of time; we didn't float jock macgregor's ugly face down the tuscany till both of us were pretty near grown up." i walked up close to where i could see the tiny bright copper coils of the blaster above the firing button. "have you killed a lot of men with that, mr. butt?" "butt. just plain butt to you, ford." he frowned and sighted at the light globe. "no more'n twelve--not counting five government paddlefeet, of course. i'm a peaceable planter. way i figure it, violence never accomplishes much that's important. my brother sas, now--" * * * * * he had just begun to work into a wonderful anecdote about his brother when the dinner gong rang. butt told me to scat. he said i was a growing tadpole and needed my vitamins. and he mentioned, very off-hand, that he wouldn't at all object if i brought him some fresh fruit. it seemed there was nothing but processed foods in the lifeboat and butt was used to a farmer's diet. trouble was, he was a special kind of farmer. ordinary fruit would have been pretty easy to sneak into my pockets at meals. i even found a way to handle the kelp and giant watercress mr. brown liked, but things like seaweed salt and venusian mud-grapes just had too strong a smell. twice, the mechanical hamper refused to accept my jacket for laundering and i had to wash it myself. but i learned so many wonderful things about venus every time i visited that stowaway.... i learned three wild-wave songs of the flatfolk and what it is that the native venusians hate so much; i learned how you tell the difference between a lousy government paddlefoot from new kalamazoo and the slaptoe slinker who is the planter's friend. after a lot of begging, butt lee brown explained the workings of his blaster, explained it so carefully that i could name every part and tell what it did from the tiny round electrodes to the long spirals of transformer. but no matter what, he would never let me hold it. "sorry, ford, old tad," he would drawl, spinning around and around in the control swivel-chair at the nose of the lifeboat. "but way i look at it, a man who lets somebody else handle his blaster is like the giant whose heart was in an egg that an enemy found. when you've grown enough so's your pop feels you ought to have a weapon, why, then's the time to learn it and you might's well learn fast. before then, you're plain too young to be even near it." "i don't have a father to give me one when i come of age. i don't even have an older brother as head of my family like your brother labrador. all i have is sis. and _she_--" "she'll marry some fancy dryhorn who's never been farther south than the polar coast. and she'll stay head of the family, if i know her breed of green shata. _bossy, opinionated._ by the way, fordie," he said, rising and stretching so the fish-leather bounced and rippled off his biceps, "that sister. she ever...." and he'd be off again, cross-examining me about evelyn. i sat in the swivel chair he'd vacated and tried to answer his questions. but there was a lot of stuff i didn't know. evelyn was a healthy girl, for instance; how healthy, exactly, i had no way of finding out. yes, i'd tell him, my aunts on both sides of my family each had had more than the average number of children. no, we'd never done any farming to speak of, back in undersea, but--yes, i'd guess evelyn knew about as much as any girl there when it came to diving equipment and pressure pump regulation. how would i know that stuff would lead to trouble for me? * * * * * sis had insisted i come along to the geography lecture. most of the other girls who were going to venus for husbands talked to each other during the lecture, but not _my_ sister! she hung on every word, took notes even, and asked enough questions to make the perspiring purser really work in those orientation periods. "i am very sorry, miss sparling," he said with pretty heavy sarcasm, "but i cannot remember any of the agricultural products of the macro continent. since the human population is well below one per thousand square miles, it can readily be understood that the quantity of tilled soil, land or sub-surface, is so small that--wait, i remember something. the macro continent exports a fruit though not exactly an edible one. the wild _dunging_ drug is harvested there by criminal speculators. contrary to belief on earth, the traffic has been growing in recent years. in fact--" "pardon me, sir," i broke in, "but doesn't _dunging_ come only from leif erickson island off the moscow peninsula of the macro continent? you remember, purser--wang li's third exploration, where he proved the island and the peninsula didn't meet for most of the year?" the purser nodded slowly. "i forgot," he admitted. "sorry, ladies, but the boy's right. please make the correction in your notes." but sis was the only one who took notes, and she didn't take that one. she stared at me for a moment, biting her lower lip thoughtfully, while i got sicker and sicker. then she shut her pad with the final gesture of the right hand that mom used to use just before challenging the opposition to come right down on the council floor and debate it out with her. "ferdinand," sis said, "let's go back to our cabin." the moment she sat me down and walked slowly around me, i knew i was in for it. "i've been reading up on venusian geography in the ship's library," i told her in a hurry. "no doubt," she said drily. she shook her night-black hair out. "but you aren't going to tell me that you read about _dunging_ in the ship's library. the books there have been censored by a government agent of earth against the possibility that they might be read by susceptible young male minds like yours. she would not have allowed--this terran agent--" "paddlefoot," i sneered. sis sat down hard in our zoom-air chair. "now that's a term," she said carefully, "that is used only by venusian riffraff." "they're not!" "not what?" "riffraff," i had to answer, knowing i was getting in deeper all the time and not being able to help it. i mustn't give mr. brown away! "they're trappers and farmers, pioneers and explorers, who're building venus. and it takes a real man to build on a hot, hungry hell like venus." "does it, now?" she said, looking at me as if i were beginning to grow a second pair of ears. "tell me more." "you can't have meek, law-abiding, women-ruled men when you start civilization on a new planet. you've got to have men who aren't afraid to make their own law if necessary--with their own guns. that's where law begins; the books get written up later." "you're going to _tell_, ferdinand, what evil, criminal male is speaking through your mouth!" "nobody!" i insisted. "they're my own ideas!" "they are remarkably well-organized for a young boy's ideas. a boy who, i might add, has previously shown a ridiculous but nonetheless entirely masculine boredom with political philosophy. i plan to have a government career on that new planet you talk about, ferdinand--after i have found a good, steady husband, of course--and i don't look forward to a masculinist radical in the family. now, who has been filling your head with all this nonsense?" * * * * * i was sweating. sis has that deadly bulldog approach when she feels someone is lying. i pulled my pulpast handkerchief from my pocket to wipe my face. something rattled to the floor. "what is this picture of me doing in your pocket, ferdinand?" a trap seemed to be hinging noisily into place. "one of the passengers wanted to see how you looked in a bathing suit." "the passengers on this ship are all female. i can't imagine any of them that curious about my appearance. ferdinand, it's a man who has been giving you these anti-social ideas, isn't it? a war-mongering masculinist like all the frustrated men who want to engage in government and don't have the vaguest idea how to. except, of course, in their ancient, bloody ways. ferdinand, who has been perverting that sunny and carefree soul of yours?" "nobody! _nobody!_" "ferdinand, there's no point in lying! i demand--" "i told you, sis. i told you! and don't call me ferdinand. call me ford." "ford? _ford?_ now, you listen to me, ferdinand...." after that it was all over but the confession. that came in a few moments. i couldn't fool sis. she just knew me too well, i decided miserably. besides, she was a girl. all the same, i wouldn't get mr. butt lee brown into trouble if i could help it. i made sis promise she wouldn't turn him in if i took her to him. and the quick, nodding way she said she would made me feel just a little better. the door opened on the signal, "sesame." when butt saw somebody was with me, he jumped and the ten-inch blaster barrel grew out of his fingers. then he recognized sis from the pictures. he stepped to one side and, with the same sweeping gesture, holstered his blaster and pushed his green hood off. it was sis's turn to jump when she saw the wild mass of hair rolling down his back. "an honor, miss sparling," he said in that rumbly voice. "please come right in. there's a hurry-up draft." so sis went in and i followed right after her. mr. brown closed the door. i tried to catch his eye so i could give him some kind of hint or explanation, but he had taken a couple of his big strides and was in the control section with sis. she didn't give ground, though; i'll say that for her. she only came to his chest, but she had her arms crossed sternly. "first, mr. brown," she began, like talking to a cluck of a kid in class, "you realize that you are not only committing the political crime of traveling without a visa, and the criminal one of stowing away without paying your fare, but the moral delinquency of consuming stores intended for the personnel of this ship solely in emergency?" * * * * * he opened his mouth to its maximum width and raised an enormous hand. then he let the air out and dropped his arm. "i take it you either have no defense or care to make none," sis added caustically. butt laughed slowly and carefully as if he were going over each word. "wonder if all the anura talk like that. and _you_ want to foul up venus." "we haven't done so badly on earth, after the mess you men made of politics. it needed a revolution of the mothers before--" "needed nothing. everyone wanted peace. earth is a weary old world." "it's a world of strong moral fiber compared to yours, mr. alberta lee brown." hearing his rightful name made him move suddenly and tower over her. sis said with a certain amount of hurry and change of tone, "what _do_ you have to say about stowing away and using up lifeboat stores?" * * * * * he cocked his head and considered a moment. "look," he said finally, "i have more than enough munit to pay for round trip tickets, but i couldn't get a return visa because of that brinosaur judge and all the charges she hung on me. had to stow away. picked the _eleanor roosevelt_ because a couple of the boys in the crew are friends of mine and they were willing to help. but this lifeboat--don't you know that every passenger ship carries four times as many lifeboats as it needs? not to mention the food i didn't eat because it stuck in my throat?" "yes," she said bitterly. "you had this boy steal fresh fruit for you. i suppose you didn't know that under space regulations that makes him equally guilty?" "no, sis, he didn't," i was beginning to argue. "all he wanted--" "sure i knew. also know that if i'm picked up as a stowaway, i'll be sent back to earth to serve out those fancy little sentences." "well, you're guilty of them, aren't you?" he waved his hands at her impatiently. "i'm not talking law, female; i'm talking sense. listen! i'm in trouble because i went to earth to look for a wife. you're standing here right now because you're on your way to venus for a husband. so let's." sis actually staggered back. "let's? let's _what_? are--are you daring to suggest that--that--" "now, miss sparling, no hoopla. i'm saying let's get married, and you know it. you figured out from what the boy told you that i was chewing on you for a wife. you're healthy and strong, got good heredity, you know how to operate sub-surface machinery, you've lived underwater, and your disposition's no worse than most of the anura i've seen. prolific stock, too." i was so excited i just had to yell: "gee, sis, say _yes_!" * * * * * my sister's voice was steaming with scorn. "and what makes you think that i'd consider you a desirable husband?" he spread his hands genially. "figure if you wanted a poodle, you're pretty enough to pick one up on earth. figure if you charge off to venus, you don't want a poodle, you want a man. i'm one. i own three islands in the galertan archipelago that'll be good oozing mudgrape land when they're cleared. not to mention the rich berzeliot beds offshore. i got no bad habits outside of having my own way. i'm also passable good-looking for a slaptoe planter. besides, if you marry me you'll be the first mated on this ship--and that's a splash most nesting females like to make." there was a longish stretch of quiet. sis stepped back and measured him slowly with her eyes; there was a lot to look at. he waited patiently while she covered the distance from his peculiar green boots to that head of hair. i was so excited i was gulping instead of breathing. imagine having butt for a brother-in-law and living on a wet-plantation in flatfolk country! but then i remembered sis's level head and i didn't have much hope any more. "you know," she began, "there's more to marriage than just--" "so there is," he cut in. "well, we can try each other for taste." and he pulled her in, both of his great hands practically covering her slim, straight back. neither of them said anything for a bit after he let go. butt spoke up first. "now, me," he said, "i'd vote yes." sis ran the tip of her tongue kind of delicately from side to side of her mouth. then she stepped back slowly and looked at him as if she were figuring out how many feet high he was. she kept on moving backward, tapping her chin, while butt and i got more and more impatient. when she touched the lifeboat door, she pushed it open and jumped out. * * * * * butt ran over and looked down the crossway. after a while, he shut the door and came back beside me. "well," he said, swinging to a bunk, "that's sort of it." "you're better off, butt," i burst out. "you shouldn't have a woman like sis for a wife. she looks small and helpless, but don't forget she was trained to run an underwater city!" "wasn't worrying about that," he grinned. "_i_ grew up in the fifteen long years of the blue chicago rising. nope." he turned over on his back and clicked his teeth at the ceiling. "think we'd have nested out nicely." i hitched myself up to him and we sat on the bunk, glooming away at each other. then we heard the tramp of feet in the crossway. butt swung down and headed for the control compartment in the nose of the lifeboat. he had his blaster out and was cursing very interestingly. i started after him, but he picked me up by the seat of my jumper and tossed me toward the door. the captain came in and tripped over me. i got all tangled up in his gold braid and million-mile space buttons. when we finally got to our feet and sorted out right, he was breathing very hard. the captain was a round little man with a plump, golden face and a very scared look on it. he _humphed_ at me, just the way sis does, and lifted me by the scruff of my neck. the chief mate picked me up and passed me to the second assistant engineer. sis was there, being held by the purser on one side and the chief computer's mate on the other. behind them, i could see a flock of wide-eyed female passengers. "you cowards!" sis was raging. "letting your captain face a dangerous outlaw all by himself!" "i dunno, miss sparling," the computer's mate said, scratching the miniature slide-rule insignia on his visor with his free hand. "the old man would've been willing to let it go with a log entry, figuring the spaceport paddlefeet could pry out the stowaway when we landed. but you had to quote the mother anita law at him, and he's in there doing his duty. he figures the rest of us are family men, too, and there's no sense making orphans." "you promised, sis," i told her through my teeth. "you promised you wouldn't get butt into trouble!" she tossed her spiral curls at me and ground a heel into the purser's instep. he screwed up his face and howled, but he didn't let go of her arm. "_shush_, ferdinand, this is serious!" it was. i heard the captain say, "i'm not carrying a weapon, brown." "then _get_ one," butt's low, lazy voice floated out. "no, thanks. you're as handy with that thing as i am with a rocketboard." the captain's words got a little fainter as he walked forward. butt growled like a gusher about to blow. "i'm counting on your being a good guy, brown." the captain's voice quavered just a bit. "i'm banking on what i heard about the blast-happy browns every time i lifted gravs in new kalamazoo; they have a code, they don't burn unarmed men." * * * * * just about this time, events in the lifeboat went down to a mumble. the top of my head got wet and i looked up. there was sweat rolling down the second assistant's forehead; it converged at his nose and bounced off the tip in a sizable stream. i twisted out of the way. "what's happening?" sis gritted, straining toward the lock. "butt's trying to decide whether he wants him fried or scrambled," the computer's mate said, pulling her back. "hey, purse, remember when the whole family with their pop at the head went into heatwave to argue with colonel leclerc?" "eleven dead, sixty-four injured," the purser answered mechanically. "and no more army stationed south of icebox." his right ear twitched irritably. "but what're they saying?" suddenly we heard. "by authority vested in me under the pomona college treaty," the captain was saying very loudly, "i arrest you for violation of articles sixteen to twenty-one inclusive of the space transport code, and order your person and belongings impounded for the duration of this voyage as set forth in sections forty-one and forty-five--" "forty-three and forty-five," sis groaned. "sections forty-three and forty-five, i told him. i even made him repeat it after me!" "--of the mother anita law, sc 2136, emergency interplanetary directives." * * * * * we all waited breathlessly for butt's reply. the seconds ambled on and there was no clatter of electrostatic discharge, no smell of burning flesh. then we heard some feet walking. a big man in a green suit swung out into the crossway. that was butt. behind him came the captain, holding the blaster gingerly with both hands. butt had a funny, thoughtful look on his face. the girls surged forward when they saw him, scattering the crew to one side. they were like a school of sharks that had just caught sight of a dying whale. "m-m-m-m! are all venusians built like that?" "men like that are worth the mileage!" "_i want him!" "i want him!" "i want him!_" sis had been let go. she grabbed my free hand and pulled me away. she was trying to look only annoyed, but her eyes had bright little bubbles of fury popping in them. "the cheap extroverts! and they call themselves responsible women!" i was angry, too. and i let her know, once we were in our cabin. "what about that promise, sis? you said you wouldn't turn him in. you _promised_!" she stopped walking around the room as if she had been expecting to get to venus on foot. "i know i did, ferdinand, but he forced me." "my name is ford and i don't understand." "your name is ferdinand and stop trying to act forcefully like a girl. it doesn't become you. in just a few days, you'll forget all this and be your simple, carefree self again. i really truly meant to keep my word. from what you'd told me, mr. brown seemed to be a fundamentally decent chap despite his barbaric notions on equality between the sexes--or worse. i was positive i could shame him into a more rational social behavior and make him give himself up. then he--he--" she pressed her fingernails into her palms and let out a long, glaring sigh at the door. "then he kissed me! oh, it was a good enough kiss--mr. brown has evidently had a varied and colorful background--but the galling idiocy of the man, trying that! i was just getting over the colossal impudence involved in _his_ proposing marriage--as if _he_ had to bear the children!--and was considering the offer seriously, on its merits, as one should consider _all_ suggestions, when he deliberately dropped the pretense of reason. he appealed to me as most of the savage ancients appealed to their women, as an emotional machine. throw the correct sexual switches, says this theory, and the female surrenders herself ecstatically to the doubtful and bloody murk of masculine plans." * * * * * there was a double knock on the door and the captain walked in without waiting for an invitation. he was still holding butt's blaster. he pointed it at me. "get your hands up, ferdinand sparling," he said. i did. "i hereby order your detention for the duration of this voyage, for aiding and abetting a stowaway, as set forth in sections forty-one and forty-five--" "forty-three and forty-five," sis interrupted him, her eyes getting larger and rounder. "but you gave me your word of honor that no charges would be lodged against the boy!" "forty-one and forty-five," he corrected her courteously, still staring fiercely at me. "i looked it up. of the anita mason law, emergency interplanetary directives. that was the usual promise one makes to an informer, but i made it before i knew it was butt lee brown you were talking about. i didn't want to arrest butt lee brown. you forced me. so i'm breaking my promise to you, just as, i understand, you broke your promise to your brother. they'll both be picked up at new kalamazoo spaceport and sent terraward for trial." "but i used all of our money to buy passage," sis wailed. "and now you'll have to return with the boy. i'm sorry, miss sparling. but as you explained to me, a man who has been honored with an important official position should stay close to the letter of the law for the sake of other men who are trying to break down terrestrial anti-male prejudice. of course, there's a way out." "there is? tell me, please!" "can i lower my hands a minute?" i asked. "no, you can't, son--not according to the armed surveillance provisions of the mother anita law. miss sparling, if you'd marry brown--now, now, don't look at me like that!--we could let the whole matter drop. a shipboard wedding and he goes on your passport as a 'dependent male member of family,' which means, so far as the law is concerned, that he had a regulation passport from the beginning of this voyage. and once we touch venusian soil he can contact his bank and pay for passage. on the record, no crime was ever committed. he's free, the boy's free, and you--" "--are married to an uncombed desperado who doesn't know enough to sit back and let a woman run things. oh, you should be ashamed!" * * * * * the captain shrugged and spread his arms wide. "perhaps i should be, but that's what comes of putting men into responsible positions, as you would say. see here, miss sparling, _i_ didn't want to arrest brown, and, if it's at all possible, i'd still prefer not to. the crew, officers and men, all go along with me. we may be legal residents of earth, but our work requires us to be on venus several times a year. we don't want to be disliked by any members of the highly irritable brown clan or its collateral branches. butt lee brown himself, for all of his savage appearance in your civilized eyes, is a man of much influence on the polar continent. in his own bailiwick, the galertan archipelago, he makes, breaks and occasionally readjusts officials. then there's his brother saskatchewan who considers butt a helpless, put-upon youngster--" "much influence, you say? mr. brown has?" sis was suddenly thoughtful. "_power_, actually. the kind a strong man usually wields in a newly settled community. besides, miss sparling, you're going to venus for a husband because the male-female ratio on earth is reversed. well, not only is butt lee brown a first class catch, but you can't afford to be too particular in any case. while you're fairly pretty, you won't bring any wealth into a marriage and your high degree of opinionation is not likely to be well-received on a backward, masculinist world. then, too, the woman-hunger is not so great any more, what with the _marie curie_ and the _fatima_ having already deposited their cargoes, the _mme. sun yat sen_ due to arrive next month...." * * * * * sis nodded to herself, waved the door open, and walked out. "let's hope," the captain said. "like any father used to say, a man who knows how to handle women, how to get around them without their knowing it, doesn't need to know anything else in this life. i'm plain wasted in space. you can lower your hands now, son." we sat down and i explained the blaster to him. he was very interested. he said all butt had told him--in the lifeboat when they decided to use my arrest as a club over sis--was to keep the safety catch all the way up against his thumb. i could see he really had been excited about carrying a lethal weapon around. he told me that back in the old days, captains--sea captains, that is--actually had the right to keep guns in their cabins all the time to put down mutinies and other things our ancestors did. the telewall flickered, and we turned it on. sis smiled down. "everything's all right, captain. come up and marry us, please." "what did you stick him for?" he asked. "what was the price?" sis's full lips went thin and hard, the way mom's used to. then she thought better of it and laughed. "mr. brown is going to see that i'm elected sheriff of the galertan archipelago." "and i thought she'd settle for a county clerkship!" the captain muttered as we spun up to the brig. the doors were open and girls were chattering in every corner. sis came up to the captain to discuss arrangements. i slipped away and found butt sitting with folded arms in a corner of the brig. he grinned at me. "hi, tadpole. like the splash?" i shook my head unhappily. "butt, why did you do it? i'd sure love to be your brother-in-law, but, gosh, you didn't have to marry sis." i pointed at some of the bustling females. sis was going to have three hundred bridesmaids. "any one of them would have jumped at the chance to be your wife. and once on any woman's passport, you'd be free. why sis?" "that's what the captain said in the lifeboat. told him same thing i'm telling you. i'm stubborn. what i like at first, i keep on liking. what i want at first, i keep on wanting until i get." "yes, but making sis sheriff! and you'll have to back her up with your blaster. what'll happen to that man's world?" "wait'll after we nest and go out to my islands." he produced a hard-lipped, smug grin, sighting it at sis's slender back. "she'll find herself sheriff over a bunch of natives and exactly two earth males--you and me. i got a hunch that'll keep her pretty busy, though." thy name is woman by kenneth o'hara illustrated by zimmerman [transcriber note: this etext was produced from if worlds of science fiction march 1953. extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the u.s. copyright on this publication was renewed.] [illustration: _there wasn't a woman left on earth. they had just packed their bags and left._] [sidenote: _women of earth had finally attained their objective: a new world all their own and--without men! but was it?_] after the doctor gave him the hypo and left the ship, bowren lay in absolute darkness wondering when the change would start. there would be pain, the doctor had said. "then you won't be aware of anything--anything at all." that was a devil of a thing, bowren thought, not to be aware of the greatest adventure any man ever had. he, eddie bowren, the first to escape the earth into space, the first man to mars! he was on his back in a small square steel cubicle, a secretly constructed room in the wall of the cargo bin of the big spaceship cradled at the new chicago port. he was not without fear. but before the ship blasted he wouldn't care--he would be changed by then. he would start turning any minute now, becoming something else; he didn't know exactly what, but that wouldn't matter. after it was over, he wouldn't remember because the higher brain centers, the cortex, the analytical mind, would be completely cut off, short-circuited, during the alteration. the cubicle was close, hot, sound-proofed, like a tomb. "you will probably make loud unpleasant noises," the doctor had said, "but no one will hear you. don't worry about anything until you get to mars." that was right, bowren thought. my only problem is to observe, compute, and get back into this dungeon without being observed, and back to earth. the idea was to keep it from the women. the women wouldn't go for this at all. they would object. the women would be able to bring into effect several laws dealing with spaceflight, among them the one against stowaways, and especially that particular one about aberrated males sneaking into space and committing suicide. a lot of men had tried it, in the beginning. some of them had managed it, but they had all died. for a long time, the men's egos hadn't been able to admit that the male organism was incapable of standing the rigors of acceleration. women had had laws passed, and if the women caught him doing this, the punishment would be extreme for him, personally, and a lot more extreme for earth civilization in general. if you could call it a civilization. you could call it anything, bowren groaned--but it didn't make sense. a world without women. a birthrate reduced to zero. a trickle of sweat slid past bowren's eyes, loosening a nervous flush along his back that prickled painfully. his throat was tense and his heart pounded loud in the hot dark. a sharp pain ran up his body and exploded in his head. he tried to swallow, but something gagged in his throat. he was afraid of retching. he lay with his mouth open, spittle dribbling over his lips. the pain returned, hammered at his entrails. he fought the pain numbly, like a man grappling in the dark. the wave subsided and he lay there gasping, his fists clenched. "the pain will come in increasingly powerful waves," the doctor had said. "at a certain point, it will be so great, the analytical mind will completely short-circuit. it will stay that way enroute to mars, and meanwhile your body will rapidly change into that of a beast. don't worry about it. a catalytic agent will return you to normal before you reach the planet. if you live, you'll be human again." * * * * * a male human couldn't stand the acceleration. but a woman could. animals could. they had experimented on human males and animals in the giant centrifuges, and learned what to do. animals could stand 25 "g" consistently, or centrifugal forces as high as 120 revolutions a minute. about 10 "g" was the limit of female endurance. less for men. it had never been thoroughly determined why women had been able to stand higher acceleration. but human females had the same physical advantages over men as female rats, rabbits, and cats over males of the same species. a woman's cellular structure was different; her center of gravity was different, the brain waves given off during acceleration were different. it was suspected that the autonomic nervous system in women could function more freely to protect the body during emergency situations. the only certainty about it was that no man had ever been able to get into space and live. but animals could so they had worked on it and finally they decided to change a man into an animal, at least temporarily. geneticists and biochemists and other specialists had been able to do a lot with hormones and hard radiation treatment. especially with hormones. you could shoot a man full of some fluid or another, and do almost anything to his organism. you could induce atavism, regression to some lower form of animal life--a highly speeded up regression. when you did that, naturally the analytical mind, the higher thought centers of a more recent evolutionary development, blanked out and the primal mind took over. the body changed too, considerably. bowren was changing. then the pain came and he couldn't think. he felt his mind cringing--giving way before the onslaught of the pain. dimly he could feel the agony in his limbs, the throbbing of his heart, the fading power of reason. he retched, languished through flaccid minutes. there were recurring spasms of shivering as he rolled his thickened tongue in the arid cavity of his mouth. and then, somewhere, a spark exploded, and drowned him in a pool of streaming flame. * * * * * consciousness returned slowly--much as it had gone--in waves of pain. it took a long time. elements of reason and unreason fusing through distorted nightmares until he was lying there able to remember, able to wonder, able to think. inside the tiny compartment were supplies. a hypo, glucose, a durolene suit neatly folded which he put on. he gave himself a needle, swallowed the tablets, and waited until energy and a sense of well-being gave him some degree of confidence. it was very still. the ship would be cradled on mars now. he lay there, relaxing, preparing for the real challenge. he thought of how well the earth investigation committee had planned the whole thing. the last desperate attempt of man to get into space--to mars--a woman's world. at least it was supposed to be. whatever it was, it wasn't a man's world. the women didn't want earth anymore. they had something better. but what? there were other questions, and bowren's job was to find the answers, remain unobserved and get back aboard this ship. he would then hypo himself again, and when the ship blasted off to earth, he would go through the same transition all over again. he put on the soft-soled shoes as well as the durolene suit and crawled through the small panel into the big cargo bin. it was empty. only a dim yellow light shone on the big cargo vices along the curved walls. he climbed the ladders slowly, cautiously, through a gnawing silence of suspense, over the mesh grid flooring along the tubular corridors. he wondered what he would find. could the women have been influenced by some alien life form on mars? that could explain the fact that women had divorced themselves completely from all men, from the earth. something had to explain it. there was one other possibility. that the women had found human life on mars. that was a very remote possibility based on the idea that perhaps the solar system had been settled by human beings from outer space, and had landed on two worlds at least. bowren remembered how his wife, lora, had told him he was an idiot and a bore, and had walked out on him five years before; taken her three months course in astrogation, and left earth. he hadn't heard of her or from her since. it was the same with every other man, married or not. the male ego had taken a beating for so long that the results had been psychologically devastating. the ship seemed to be empty of any human being but bowren. he reached the outer lock door. it was ajar. thin cold air came through and sent a chill down his arms, tingling in his fingers. he looked out. it was night on mars, a strange red-tinted night, the double moons throwing streaming color over the land. across the field, he saw the glowing luciferin-like light of a small city. soaring spherical lines. nothing masculine about its architecture. bowren shivered. he climbed down the ladder, the air biting into his lungs. the silence down there on the ground under the ship was intense. he stood there a minute. the first man on mars. man's oldest dream realized. but the great thrill he had anticipated was dulled somewhat by fear. a fear of what the women had become, and of what might have influenced their becoming. he took out a small neurogun and walked. he reached what seemed to be a huge park that seemed to surround the city. it grew warmer and a soft wind whispered through the strange wide-spreading trees and bushes and exotic blossoms. the scent of blossoms drifted on the wind and the sound of running water, of murmuring voices. the park thickened as bowren edged into its dark, languid depth. it seemed as though the city radiated heat. he dodged suddenly behind a tree, knelt down. for an instant he was embarrassed seeing the two shadowy figures in each others arms on a bench in the moonlight. this emotion gave way to shock, anger, fear. one of them was a--man! bowren felt the perspiration start from his face. an intense jealousy surrendered to a start of fearful curiosity. where had the man come from? bowren's long frustration, the memory of his wife, the humiliation, the rejection, the abandonment, the impotent rage of loneliness--it all came back to him. he controlled his emotion somehow. at least he didn't manifest it physically. he crept closer, listened. "this was such a sweet idea," the woman was whispering. "bringing me here to the park tonight. that's why i love you so, marvin. you're always so romantic." "how else could i think of you, darling," the man said. his voice was cultured, precise, soft, thick with emotion. "you're so sweet, marvin." "you're so beautiful, darling. i think of you every minute that you're away on one of those space flights. you women are so wonderful to have conquered space, but sometimes i hate the ships that take you away from me." the woman sighed. "but it's so nice to come back to you. so exciting, so comfortable." the kiss was long and deep. bowren backed away, almost smashing into the tree. he touched his forehead. he was sweating heavily. his beard dripped moisture. there was a hollow panicky feeling in his stomach. now he was confused as well as afraid. another couple was sitting next to a fountain, and a bubbling brook ran past them, singing into the darkness. bowren crouched behind a bush and listened. it might have been the man he had just left, still talking. the voice was slightly different, but the dialogue sounded very much the same. "it must be wonderful to be a woman, dear, and voyage between the stars. but as i say, i'm glad to stay here and tend the home and mind the children, glad to be here, my arms open to you when you come back." "it's so wonderful to know that you care so much. i'm so glad you never let me forget that you love me." "i love you, every minute of every day. just think--two more months and one week and we will have been married ten years." "it's so lovely," she said. "it seems like ten days. like those first thrilling ten days, darling, going over and over again." "i'll always love you, darling." "always?" "always." the man got up, lifted the woman in his arms, held her high. "darling, let's go for a night ride across the desert." "oh, you darling. you always think of these little adventures." "all life with you is an adventure." "but what about little jimmie and janice?" "i've arranged a sitter for them." "but darling--you mean you--oh, you're so wonderful. you think of everything. so practical, yet so romantic ... so--" he kissed her and ran away, holding her high in the air, and her laughter bubbled back to where bowren crouched behind the bush. he kept on crouching there, staring numbly at the vacancy the fleeing couple had left in the shadows. "good god," he whispered. "after ten years--" he shook his head and slowly licked his lips. he'd been married five years. it hadn't been like this. he'd never heard of any marriage maintaining such a crazy high romantic level of manic neuroticism as this for very long. of course the women had always expected it to. but the men-and anyway--_where did the men come from?_ * * * * * bowren moved down a winding lane between exotic blossoms, through air saturated with the damp scent of night-blooming flowers. he walked cautiously enough, but in a kind of daze, his mind spinning. the appearance of those men remained in his mind. when he closed his eyes for a moment, he could see them. perfectly groomed, impeccably dressed, smiling, vital, bronze-skinned, delicate, yet strong features; the kind of male who might be considered, bowren thought, to be able to assert just the right degree of aggressiveness without being indelicate. why, he thought, they've found perfect men, their type of men. he dodged behind a tree. here it was again. same play, same scene practically, only the players were two other people. a couple standing arm in arm beside a big pool full of weird darting fish and throwing upward a subdued bluish light. music drifted along the warm currents of air. the couple were silhouetted by the indirect light. the pose is perfect, he thought. the setting is perfect. "you're so wonderful, darling," the man was saying, "and i get so lonely without you. i always see your face, hear your voice, no matter how long you're away." "do you? do you?" "always. your hair so red, so dark it seems black in certain lights. your eyes so slanted, so dark a green they seem black usually too. your nose so straight, the nostrils flaring slightly, the least bit too much sometimes. your mouth so red and full. your skin so smooth and dark. and you're ageless, darling. being married to you five years, it's one exciting adventure." "i love you so," she said. "you're everything any woman could want in a husband. simply everything, yet you're so modest with it all. i still remember how it used to be. back there ... with the other men i mean?" "you should forget about _them_, my dear." "i'm forgetting, slowly though. it may take a long time to forget completely. oh, he was such an unpleasant person, so uninteresting after a while. so inconsiderate, so self-centered. he wasn't romantic at all. he never said he loved me, and when he kissed me it was mere routine. he never thought about anything but his work, and when he did come home at night, he would yell at me about not having ordered the right dinner from the cafelator. he didn't care whether he used hair remover on his face in the mornings or not. he was surly and sullen and selfish. but i could have forgiven everything else if he had only told me every day that he loved me, that he could never love anyone else. the things that you do and say, darling." "i love you," he said. "i love you, i love you. but please, let's not talk about _him_ anymore. it simply horrifies me!" bowren felt the sudden sickening throbbing of his stomach. the description. now the slight familiarity of voice. and then he heard the man say, murmuring, "lois ... darling lois...." lois! lois! bowren shivered. his jowls darkened, his mouth pressed thin by the powerful clamp of his jaws. his body seemed to loosen all over and he fell into a crouch. tiredness and torn nerves and long-suppressed emotion throbbed in him, and all the rage and suppression and frustration came back in a wave. he yelled. it was more of a sound, a harsh prolonged animal roar of pain and rage and humiliation. "lois ..." he ran forward. she gasped, sank away as bowren hit the man, hard. the man sighed and gyrated swinging his arms, teetering and flipped backward into the pool among the lights and the weird fish. a spray of cold water struck bowren, sobering him a little, sobered his burst of mindless passion enough that he could hear the shouts of alarm ringing through the trees. he turned desperately. lois cringed. he scarcely remembered her now, he realized. she was different. he had forgotten everything except an image that had changed with longing. she hadn't been too impressive anyway, maybe, or maybe she had. it didn't matter now. he tried to run, tried to get away. he heard lois' voice, high and shrill. figures closed in around him. he fought, desperately. he put a few temporarily out of the way with the neurogun, but there were always more. men, men everywhere. hundreds of men where there should be no men at all. well-groomed, strong, bronzed, ever-smiling men. it gave him intense pleasure to crack off a few of the smiles. to hurl the gun, smash with his fists. then the men were swarming all over him, the clean faces, the smiling fragrant men, and he went down under the weight of men. he tried to move. a blow fell hard and his head smashed against the rocks. he tried to rise up, and other blows beat him down and he was glad about the darkness, not because it relieved the pain, but because it curtained off the faces of men. * * * * * after a time it was as though he was being carried through a dim half-consciousness, able to think, too tired to move or open his eyes. he remembered how the men of earth had rationalized a long time, making a joke out of it. laughing when they hadn't wanted to laugh, but to hate. it had never been humorous. it had been a war between the sexes, and the women had finally won, destroying the men psychologically, the race physically. somehow they had managed to go on with a culture of their own. the war between the sexes had never really been a joke. it had been deadly serious, right from the beginning of the militant feminist movements, long before the last big war. there had always been basic psychological and physiological differences. but woman had refused to admit this, and had tried to be the "equal" if not the better of men. for so long woman had made it strictly competitive, and in her subconscious mind she had regarded men as wonderful creatures, capable of practically anything, and that woman could do nothing better than to emulate them in every possible way. there was no such thing as a woman's role unless it had been the same as a man's. that had gone on a long time. and it hadn't been a joke at all. how ironic it was, there at the last! all of man's work through the ages had been aimed at the stars. and the women had assumed the final phase of conquest! for a long time women had been revolting against the masculine symbols, the levers, pistons, bombs, torpedoes and hammers, all manifestations of man's whole activity of overt, aggressive power. the big h-bombs of the last great war had seemed to be man's final symbol, destructive. and after that, the spaceships, puncturing space, roaring outward, the ultimate masculine symbol of which men had dreamed for so long, and which women had envied. and then only the women could stand the acceleration. it was a physiological fact. nothing could change it. nothing but what they had done to bowren. all of man's evolutionary struggle, and the women had assumed the climax, assumed all the past wrapped up in the end, usurped the effect, and thereby psychologically assuming also all the thousands of years of causation. for being held down, being made neurotic by frustration and the impossibility of being the "equal" of men, because they were fundamentally psychologically and physiologically different, women had taken to space with an age-old vengeance. personal ego salvation. but they hadn't stopped there. what had they done? what about the men? a man for every woman, yet no men from earth. that much bowren knew. native martians? what? he had been transported somewhere in a car of some kind. he didn't bother to be interested. he couldn't get away. he was held fast. he refused to open his eyes because he didn't want to see the men who held him, the men who had replaced him and every other man on earth. the men who were destroying the civilization of earth. the gimmicks whereby the women had rejected earth and left it to wither and die in neglect and bitter, bitter wonderment. he was tired, very tired. the movement of the car lulled him, and he drifted into sleep. he opened his eyes and slowly looked around. pretty pastel ceiling. a big room, beautiful and softly furnished, with a marked absence of metal, of shiny chrome, of harshness or brittle angles. it was something of an office, too, with a desk that was not at all business-like, but still a desk. a warm glow suffused the room, and the air was pleasantly scented with natural smelling perfumes. a woman stood in the middle of the room studying him with detached interest. she was beautiful, but in a hard, mature, withdrawn way. she was dark, her eyes large, liquid black and dominating her rather small sharply-sculptured face. her mouth was large, deeply red. she had a strong mouth. he looked at her a while. he felt only a deep, bitter resentment. he felt good though, physically. he had probably been given something, an injection. he sat up. then he got to his feet. she kept on studying him. "a change of clothes, dry detergent, and hair remover for your face are in there, through that door," she said. he said: "right now i'd rather talk." "but don't you want to take off that awful--beard?" "the devil with it! is that so important? it's natural isn't it for a man to have hair on his face? i like hair on my face." she opened her mouth a little and stepped back a few steps. "and anyway, what could be less important right now than the way i look?" "i'm--i'm gloria munsel," she said hesitantly. "i'm president of the city here. and what is your name, please?" "eddie bowren. what are you going to do with me?" she shrugged. "you act like a mad man. i'd almost forgotten what you men of earth were like. i was pretty young then. well, frankly, i don't know what we're going to do with you. no precedent for the situation. no laws concerning it. it'll be up to the council." "it won't be pleasant for me," he said, "i can be safe in assuming that." she shrugged again and crossed her arms. he managed to control his emotions somehow as he looked at the smooth lines of her body under the long clinging gown. she was so damn beautiful! a high proud body in a smooth pink gown, dark hair streaming back and shiny and soft. * * * * * it was torture. it had been for a long time, for him, for all the others. "let me out of here!" he yelled harshly. "put me in a room by myself!" she moved closer to him and looked into his face. the fragrance of her hair, the warmth of her reached out to him. somehow, he never knew how, he managed to grin. he felt the sweat running down his dirty, bearded, battered face. his suit was torn and dirty. he could smell himself, the stale sweat, the filth. he could feel his hair, shaggy and long, down his neck, over his ears. her lips were slightly parted, and wet, and she had a funny dark look in her eyes, he thought. she turned quickly as the door opened, and a man came in. he was only slightly taller than gloria and he nodded, smiled brightly, bowed a little, moved forward. he carried a big bouquet of flowers and presented them to her. she took the flowers, smiled, thanked him, and put them on the table. the man said. "so sorry, darling, to intrude. but i felt i had to see you for a few minutes. i left the children with john, and dashed right up here. i thought we might have lunch together." "you're so thoughtful, dear," she said. the man turned a distasteful look upon bowren. he said. "my dear, what is _this_?" "a man," she said, and then added. "from earth." "what? good grief, you mean they've found a way--?" "i don't know. you'd better go back home and tend the yard today, dale. i'll tell you all about it when i come home this evening. all right?" "well i--oh, oh yes, of course, if you say so, darling." "thank you, dear." she kissed him and he bowed out. she turned and walked back toward bowren. "tell me," she said. "how did you get here alive?" why not tell her? he was helpless here. they'd find out anyway, as soon as they got back to earth on the cargo run. and even if they didn't find out, that wouldn't matter either. they would be on guard from now on. no man would do again what bowren had done. the only chance would be to build secret spaceships of their own and every time one blasted, have every member of the crew go through what bowren had. it couldn't last. too much injury and shock. as he talked he studied the office, and he thought of other things. an office that was like a big beautiful living room. a thoroughly feminine office. nor was it the type of office a woman would fix for a man. it was a woman's office. everything, the whole culture here, was feminine. when he had finished she said, "interesting. it must have been a very unpleasant experience for you." he grinned. "i suffered. but even though i've failed, it's worth all the suffering, if you'll tell me--where did all the ah--men come from?" she told him. it was, to say the least, startling, and then upon reflection, he realized how simple it all was. no aliens. no native martians. a very simple and thoroughly logical solution, and in a way, typically feminine. hormone treatment and genetic manipulation, plus a thorough reconditioning while the treatment was taking place. _and the women had simply turned approximately half of their number into men!_ she paused, then went on. "it was the only way we could see it, mr. bowren. earth was a man's world, and we could never have belonged in it, not the way we wanted to. men wouldn't stand it anyway, down there, having us going into space, usurping their masculine role. and anyway--you men of earth had become so utterly unsatisfactory as companions, lovers, and husbands, that it was obvious nothing could ever be done about it. not unless we set up our own culture, our own civilization, our way." "but meanwhile we die down there," bowren said. "logic is nice. but mass murder, and the death of a whole world civilization seems pretty cold from where i'm standing. it's pathological, but it's too late to think about that. it's done now." "but we're happy here," she said. "for the first time in a long, long time, we women feel like ourselves. we feel truly independent. the men around us are the kind of men we want, instead of us being what they want us to be, or even worse, the men being what we want them to be but resenting it and making life unbearable for both. all through the process of being changed into men, our women undergo such a thorough conditioning that they can never be anything else but model men in every sense. their attitude as women with which they started treatment helped. they knew what they wanted in men, and they became what we wanted them to be, as men." "very logical," bowren said. "it smells to heaven it's so logical." it was purely impulse, what he did then. he couldn't help it. it wasn't logical either. it was emotional and he did it because he had to do it and because he didn't see any reason why he shouldn't. he put his arm out suddenly, hooked her slim waist, and pulled her to him. her face flushed and his eyes were very wide and dark as she looked up at him. "listen," he said. "the whole thing's insane. the lot of you are mad, and though i can't help it, i hate to see it happen this way. what kind of men are these? these smiling robots, these goons who are nothing else but reflections in a woman's mirror? who'd want to be a man like that. who would really want a man like that? and who would want a woman who was just what a man wanted her to be? where's the fire? where's the individuality? where's the conflict, the fighting and snarling and raging that makes living. all this is apathy, this is death! you don't grow by being agreeable, but by conflict." "what are you trying to sell now?" she whispered. he laughed. it was wild sounding to him, not very humorous really, but still it was laughter. "selling nothing, buying nothing." he pulled her closer and kissed her. her lips parted slightly and he could feel the warmth of her and the quick drawing of breath. then she pushed him away. she raised her hand and brushed it over his face. she shook her head slowly. "it feels rather interesting," she said, "your face. i've never felt a man's face before, that wasn't smooth, the way it should be." he laughed again, more softly this time. "why reform your men? you women always wanted to do that." "we don't reform men here," she said. "we start them out right--from the beginning." she backed away from him. she raised her hand to her face and her fingers touched her lips. wrinkles appeared between her eyes and she shook her head again. not at him, but at something, a thought perhaps, he couldn't tell. finally she said. "that was an inexcusable, boorish thing to do. a typical thoughtless egomanical earth-male action if there ever was one. our men are all perfect here, and in comparison to them, you're a pretty miserable specimen. i'm glad you showed up here. it's given me, and other women, a good chance for comparison. it makes our men seem so much better even than they were to us before." he didn't say anything. "our men are perfect! perfect you understand? what are you smiling about? their character is good. they're excellent conversationalists, well informed, always attentive, moderate, sympathetic, interested in life, and always interested in _us_." "and i suppose they are also--human?" "this is nonsense," she said, her voice rising slightly. "you will take that door out please. the council will decide what's to be done with you." he nodded, turned, and went through the door. there were two men there waiting for him. they were both blond, with light blue eyes, just medium height, perfectly constructed physically, perfectly groomed, impeccably dressed. they smiled at him. their teeth had been brushed every morning. one of them wrinkled his nose, obviously as a reaction to bowren. the other started to reach, seemed reluctant to touch him. "then don't touch me, brother," bowren said. "put a hand on me, and i'll slug you." the man reached away, and it gave bowren an ecstatic sensation to send his fist against the man's jaw. it made a cracking sound and the man's head flopped back as his knees crumbled and he swung around and stretched out flat on his face on the long tubular corridor. "always remember your etiquette," bowren said. "keep your hands off people. it isn't polite." the other man grunted something, still managing to smile, as he rushed at bowren. bowren side-stepped, hooked the man's neck in his arm and ran him across the hall and smashed his head into the wall. he turned, opened the door into munsel's office, dragged both of them in and shut the door again. he walked down the corridor several hundred feet before a woman appeared, in some kind of uniform, and said. "will you come this way please?" he said he would. * * * * * it was a small room, comfortably furnished. food came through a panel in the wall whenever he pressed the right button. a telescreen furnished entertainment when he pushed another button. tasty mixed drinks responded to other buttons. he never bothered to take advantage of the facilities offered for removing his beard, bathing, or changing clothes. whatever fate was going to befall him, he would just as soon meet it as the only man on mars who looked the part--according to bowren's standards, at least--at least by comparison. he thought of trying to escape. if he could get away from the city and into the martian hills, he could die out there with some dignity. it was a good idea, but he knew it was impossible. at least so far, it was impossible. maybe something would come up. an opportunity and he would take it. that was the only thing left for him. he was in there for what seemed a long time. it was still, the light remaining always the same. he slept a number of times and ate several times. he did a lot of thinking too. he thought about the men on earth and finally he decided it didn't matter much. they had brought it on themselves in a way, and if there was anything like cause and effect operating on such a scale, they deserved no sympathy. man had expressed his aggressive male ego until he evolved the h-bombs and worse, and by then the whole world was neurotic with fear, including the women. women had always looked into the mirror of the future (or lack of it), of the race, and the more she had looked, the more the insecurity. the atomic wars had created a kind of final feeling of insecurity as far as men were concerned, forced them to become completely psychologically and physiologically self-sufficient. they had converted part of their own kind into men, their own kind of men, and theoretically there wouldn't be any more insecurity brought on by the kind of male psychology that had turned the earth around for so long. all right, drop it right there then, he thought. it's about all over. it's all over but the requiem. sometime later he was in a mood where he didn't mind it when an impersonal face appeared on the screen and looked right at him and told him the council's verdict. it was a woman, and her voice was cold, very cold. "mr. eddie bowren. the council has reached a verdict regarding what is to be done with you. you are to be exterminated. it is painless and we will make it as pleasant as possible." "thanks," bowren said. a woman's world was so polite, so mannerly, so remembering of all the social amenities. it would be so difficult after a while to know when anyone was speaking, or doing anything real. "thanks," he said again. "i will do all in my power to make my extermination a matter of mutual pleasure." by now he was pretty drunk, had been drunk for some time. he raised his glass. "here's to a real happy time of it, baby." the screen faded. he sat there brooding, and he was still brooding when the door unlocked and opened softly. he sat there and looked at gloria munsel for a while, wondering why she was here. why she would look so provocative, so enchanting, so devastating, whatever other words you cared to dream up. she moved toward him with a slight swaying motion that further disturbed him. he felt her long white fingers rubbing over the stiff wiry beard of his face. "i dreamed about the way that beard felt last night," she said. "silly of me wasn't it? i heard of the way you smell, of the way you yelled at me, so impolitely. why did i dream of it, i said this morning, so now i'm here to find out why." "get out and let me alone," bowren yelled. "i'm going to be exterminated. so let me alone to my own company." "yes, i heard about that verdict," she said. she looked away from him. "i don't know why they made that choice. well, i do in a way, they're afraid of you, your influence. it would be very disruptive socially. several of our men--" "it doesn't matter why," bowren said. "what matters is that it will be as pleasant as possible. if you're going to kill a man, be nice about it." she stared down at him. chills rippled down his back as her warm soft fingers continued to stroke his bearded chin and throat. he got up. it was too uncomfortable and it was torture. he said, "get out of here. maybe i'm not a conformist, but i'm damn human!" she backed away. "but--but what do you mean?" he got up and put the flat of his hands cupping her shoulder blades. her eyes stared wildly, and her lips were wet and she was breathing heavily. he could see the vein pulsing faster in her slim throat. she had an exciting body. he saw it then, the new slow smile that crept across her face. his left hand squirmed at the thick piled hair on her shoulders and he tugged and her face tilted further and he looked at the parted pouting lips. the palm of his right hand brushed her jaw and his fingers took her cheeks and brought her face over and he spread his mouth hard over her mouth. her lips begged. hammers started banging away in his stomach. music from the screen was playing a crescendo into his pulse. they swayed together to the music, her head thrown back, her eyes closed. she stepped back, dropped her arms limply at her sides. there was the clean sweet odor of her hair. "i'd better go now," she whispered. "before i do something that would result in my not being president anymore." * * * * * he wiped his face. don't beg, he thought. the devil with her and the rest. a man could lose everything, all the women, not one, but all of them. he could live alone, a thousand miles from nowhere, at the north pole like amundsen, and it didn't matter. he could be killed pleasantly or unpleasantly, that didn't matter either. all that mattered was that he maintain some dignity, as a man. he stood there, not saying anything. he managed to grin. finally he said, "goodbye, and may your husband never say a harsh word to you or do anything objectionable as long as you both shall live, and may he love you every hour of every day, and may he drop dead." she moved in again, put her arms around him. there were tears in her eyes. she placed her cheek on his shoulder. "i love you," she whispered. "i know that now." he felt a little helpless. tears, what could you do with a woman's tears? she sobbed softly, talking brokenly. maybe not to him, but to someone, somewhere. a memory, a shadow out of a long time back.... "maybe it's ... it's all a mistake after all ... maybe it is. i've never been too sure, not for a while now. and then you--the way you talked and looked--the excitement. i don't know why. but the touch of your beard--your voice. i don't know what happened. we've carried it to extremes, extremes, eddie. it was always this way with us--once we were sure of our man, and even before, when he was blinded by new love, we tried to make him over, closer to _our_ idea of what was right. but now i know something ... those faults and imperfections, most of them were men's, the real men's chief attractions. individuality, that's the thing, eddie, that's it after all. and it's imperfections too, maybe more than anything else. imperfections.... oh, eddie, you're close, much closer to human nature, to real vitality, through _your_ imperfections. not imperfections. eddie--your beard is beautiful, your dirt is lovely, your yelling insults are wonderful--and...." she stopped a minute. her hands ran through his hair. "when you get a man made over, he's never very nice after that, eddie. never--" she sobbed, pulled his lips down. "eddie--i can't let them kill you." "forget it," he said. "no one can do anything. don't get yourself in a jam. you'll forget this in a little while. there's nothing here for a guy like me, and i'm not for you." she stepped way, her hands still on his shoulders. "no--i didn't mean that. i've got to go on living in the world i helped make, among the men we all decided we would always want. i've got to do that. listen, eddie, how did you intend to get back to earth?" he told her. "then it's just a matter of getting back aboard that same ship, and into this secret room unobserved?" "that's all, gloria. that and keep from being exterminated first." "i can get you out of here. we'll have to do it right now. take that beard off, and get that hair smoothed down somehow. i hate to see it happen, but i've got to get you out of here, and the only way to do it is for you to be like one of the men here." he went to work on his face and hair. she went out and returned with a suit like the other men wore. he got into it. she smiled at him, a hesitant and very soft smile, and she kissed him before they left the room and cautiously went out of the city. * * * * * the way was clear across the moonlit field and under the deep dark shadow of the ship. he kissed her and then took hold of the ladder. she slipped a notebook of velonex, full of micro-film, into his hands. "goodbye, eddie," she said. "take this with you. it may give you men down there a way out. i never thought much before of how mad it must be for you." he took the folder. he looked up at the double moons painting the night a fantastic shifting wave of changing light. and then he looked down at gloria munsel again, at the glinting shine of her hair. "goodbye," he said. "i might stay after all--except that a lot of men on earth are waiting for me to tell them something. they'll be surprised. i--" he hesitated. her eyes widened. warmth of emotion moved him and he said, or started to say, "i love you," and many other things, but she interrupted him. "don't please, eddie. anything you said now would sound just like what my devoted husband says, every day. i'd rather you wouldn't say anything at all now, eddie, just goodbye." "goodbye then," he said again. he looked back from the opened door in the ship's cargo bin. her face was shining up at him, her lips slightly parted, her cheeks wet. it was a picture he would never be able to forget, even if he wanted to. "when you forget to shave in the mornings, eddie, think of me." * * * * * bowren stood up and addressed the investigation committee which had sent him to mars. he hadn't made any statements at all up to this moment. the ten members of the committee sat there behind the half-moon table. none of them moved. their faces were anxious. some of them were perspiring. eddie told them what he had seen, what he had heard, his own impressions about the whole thing, about his escape. he left out certain personal details that were, to him, unnecessary to this particular report. the committee sat there a while, then started to talk. they talked at once for a while, then the chairman rapped for order and stood up. his face had an odd twist to it, and his bald head was pocked with perspiration. eddie bowren took the book of micro-film from under his arm, the one gloria munsel had given him. he put it on the table. "that has been thoroughly checked by scientists, and their report is included. i thought it surely was a false report, until they checked it. the first page there gives a brief outline of what the micro-film contains." the chairman read, then looked up. he coughed. he mopped at his head. eddie said. "as i saw it up there, this is the way it's going to stay. we'll never get into space, not without using the methods that were used with me. and they're too destructive. i've been examined. i could never go through it again and live. and that's the only way earth men can ever get into space. the women aren't coming back to us. they have husbands of their own now. believe me, those women aren't going to leave their perfect husbands. they've set up a completely feminine culture. it's theirs, all theirs. they'll never give it up to return to a masculine world, and that's what earth will always be to them. there are only a few women left on earth, and they're of such subnormal intelligence as to be only a menace to any possible future progeny. our birthrate has stopped. we are living under extremely abnormal circumstances without women. i have, as i said before, but one recommendation to this committee, and you take it for what it's worth. i personally don't care--much--and that isn't important either." "what is your recommendation, bowren?" "i assure you that the formulas in that book will work for us, mr. chairman. will you accept the reports of the scientists who investigated those formulas?" "i will," the chairman said hoarsely. "i'll accept it. why not--?" bowren grinned thinly at the ten men. "there's the secret of doing what the women have done. it'll work for us too. our only chance for survival is to follow their procedure. we've got to start turning at least a percentage of ourselves into women." one man leaned forward and put his head on his arms. the others sat there, in a kind of stunned numb attitude, their eyes drifting vaguely. the chairman coughed and looked around the silent hall, and at the other ten men in it. "any volunteers?" he whispered. _the headswoman_ _by the same author_ the golden age dream days pagan papers the bodley head [frontispiece: "now that we have been properly introduced allow me to apologise"] the headswoman _by_ kenneth grahame _with illustrations in colour and woodcuts by_ marcia lane foster [decoration] _london_ _john lane the bodley head limited_ _new york john lane company_ _first published 1898_ _illustrated edition 1921_ _printed in great britain by r. clay & sons, ltd., bungay, suffolk._ _list of illustrations_ "now that we have been properly introduced allow me to apologise" _frontispiece_ _facing page_ "you see i am familiar with the routine.... good-morning, gentlemen!" 8 "au revoir, sir! if you should happen to be in the market-place any morning" 28 endeavouring to convey the tardy prisoner to the scaffold 32 "nay, pardon me, sweet one, 'twas but a jest of mine" 36 but at this point a hubbub arose at the foot of the scaffold 42 "now, mark my words, you miserable little bladder-o'-lard, see if i don't take this out of your skin presently" 44 an invitation arrived, backed by an escort of half-a-dozen very tall archers 46 _the headswoman_ [illustration] i it was a bland, sunny morning of a mediæval may,--an old-style may of the most typical quality; and the council of the little town of st. radegonde were assembled, as was their wont at that hour, in the picturesque upper chamber of the hôtel de ville, for the dispatch of the usual municipal business. though the date was early sixteenth century, the members of this particular town-council possessed considerable resemblance to those of similar assemblies in the seventeenth, eighteenth, and even the nineteenth centuries, in a general absence of any characteristic at all--unless a pervading hopeless insignificance can be considered as such. all the character in the room, indeed, seemed to be concentrated in the girl who stood before the table, erect, yet at her ease, facing the members in general and mr. mayor in particular; a delicate-handed, handsome girl of some eighteen summers, whose tall, supple figure was well set off by the quiet, though tasteful mourning in which she was clad. "well, gentlemen," the mayor was saying, "this little business appears to be--er--quite in order, and it only remains for me to--er--review the facts. you are aware that the town has lately had the misfortune to lose its executioner,--a gentleman who, i may say, performed the duties of his office with neatness and dispatch, and gave the fullest satisfaction to all with whom he--er--came in contact. but the council has already, in a vote of condolence, expressed its sense of the--er--striking qualities of the deceased. you are doubtless also aware that the office is hereditary, being secured to a particular family in this town, so long as any one of its members is ready and willing to take it up. the deed lies before me, and appears to be--er--quite in order. it is true that on this occasion the council might have been called upon to consider and examine the title of the claimant, the late lamented official having only left a daughter,--she who now stands before you; but i am happy to say that jeanne--the young lady in question--with what i am bound to call great good-feeling on her part, has saved us all trouble in that respect, by formally applying for the family post, with all its--er--duties, privileges, and emoluments; and her application appears to be--er--quite in order. there is, therefore, under the circumstances, nothing left for us to do but to declare the said applicant duly elected. i would wish, however, before i--er--sit down, to make it quite clear to the--er--fair petitioner, that if a laudable desire to save the council trouble in the matter has led her to a--er--hasty conclusion, it is quite open to her to reconsider her position. should she determine not to press her claim, the succession to the post would then apparently devolve upon her cousin enguerrand, well known to you all as a practising advocate in the courts of this town. though the youth has not, i admit, up to now proved a conspicuous success in the profession he has chosen, still there is no reason why a bad lawyer should not make an excellent executioner; and in view of the close friendship--may i even say attachment?--existing between the cousins, it is possible that this young lady may, in due course, practically enjoy the solid emoluments of the position without the necessity of discharging its (to some girls) uncongenial duties. and so, though not the rose herself, she would still be--er--near the rose!" and the mayor resumed his seat, chuckling over his little pleasantry, which the keener wits of the council proceeded to explain at length to the more obtuse. "permit me, mr. mayor," said the girl quietly, "first to thank you for what was evidently the outcome of a kindly though misdirected feeling on your part; and then to set you right as to the grounds of my application for the post to which you admit my hereditary claim. as to my cousin, your conjecture as to the feeling between us is greatly exaggerated; and i may further say at once, from my knowledge of his character, that he is little qualified either to adorn or to dignify an important position such as this. a man who has achieved such indifferent success in a minor and less exacting walk of life, is hardly likely to shine in an occupation demanding punctuality, concentration, judgment,--all the qualities, in fine, that go to make a good business man. but this is beside the question. my motive, gentlemen, in demanding what is my due, is a simple and (i trust) an honest one, and i desire that there should be no misunderstanding. it is my wish to be dependent on no one. i am both willing and able to work, and i only ask for what is the common right of humanity,--admission to the labour market. how many poor, toiling women would simply jump at a chance like this which fortune, by the accident of birth, lays open to me! and shall i, from any false deference to that conventional voice which proclaims this thing as 'nice,' and that thing as 'not nice,' reject a handicraft which promises me both artistic satisfaction and a competence? no, gentlemen; my claim is a small one,--only a fair day's wage for a fair day's work. but i can accept nothing less, nor consent to forgo my rights, even for any contingent remainder of possible cousinly favour!" there was a touch of scorn in her fine contralto voice as she finished speaking; the mayor himself beamed approval. he was not wealthy, and had a large family of daughters; so jeanne's sentiments seemed to him entirely right and laudable. "well, gentlemen," he began briskly, "then all we've got to do, is to----" "beg pardon, your worship," put in master robinet, the tanner, who had been sitting with a petrified, bill-the-lizard sort of expression during the speechifying: "but are we to understand as how this here young lady is going to be the public executioner of this here town?" "really, neighbour robinet," said the mayor, somewhat pettishly, "you've got ears like the rest of us, i suppose; and you know the contents of the deed; and you've had my assurance that it's--er--quite in order; and as it's getting towards lunch-time----" "but it's unheard of," protested honest robinet. "there hasn't ever been no such thing--leastways not as i've heard tell." [illustration: "you see i am familiar with the routine.... good-morning, gentlemen!"] "well, well, well," said the mayor, "everything must have a beginning, i suppose. times are different now, you know. there's the march of intellect, and--er--all that sort of thing. we must advance with the times--don't you see, robinet?--advance with the times!" "well, i'm----" began the tanner. but no one heard, on this occasion, the tanner's opinion as to his condition, physical or spiritual; for the clear contralto cut short his obtestations. "if there's really nothing more to be said, mr. mayor," she remarked, "i need not trespass longer on your valuable time. i propose to take up the duties of my office to-morrow morning, at the usual hour. the salary will, i assume, be reckoned from the same date; and i shall make the customary quarterly application for such additional emoluments as may have accrued to me during that period. you see i am familiar with the routine. good-morning, gentlemen!" and as she passed from the council chamber, her small head held erect, even the tanner felt that she took with her a large portion of the may sunshine which was condescending that morning to gild their deliberations. ii one evening, a few weeks later, jeanne was taking a stroll on the ramparts of the town, a favourite and customary walk of hers when business cares were over. the pleasant expanse of country that lay spread beneath her--the rich sunset, the gleaming, sinuous river, and the noble old château that dominated both town and pasture from its adjacent height--all served to stir and bring out in her those poetic impulses which had lain dormant during the working day; while the cool evening breeze smoothed out and obliterated any little jars or worries which might have ensued during the practice of a profession in which she was still something of a novice. this evening she felt fairly happy and content. true, business was rather brisk, and her days had been fully occupied; but this mattered little so long as her modest efforts were appreciated, and she was now really beginning to feel that, with practice, her work was creditably and artistically done. in a satisfied, somewhat dreamy mood, she was drinking in the various sweet influences of the evening, when she perceived her cousin approaching. "good-evening, enguerrand," cried jeanne pleasantly; she was thinking that since she had begun to work for her living she had hardly seen him--and they used to be such good friends. could anything have occurred to offend him? enguerrand drew near somewhat moodily, but could not help allowing his expression to relax at sight of her fair young face, set in its framework of rich brown hair, wherein the sunset seemed to have tangled itself and to cling, reluctant to leave it. "sit down, enguerrand," continued jeanne, "and tell me what you've been doing this long time. been very busy, and winning forensic fame and gold?" "well, not exactly," said enguerrand, moody once more. "the fact is, there's so much interest required nowadays at the courts that unassisted talent never gets a chance. and you, jeanne?" "oh, i don't complain," answered jeanne lightly. "of course, it's fair-time just now, you know, and we're always busy then. but work will be lighter soon, and then i'll get a day off, and we'll have a delightful ramble and picnic in the woods, as we used to do when we were children. what fun we had in those old days, enguerrand! do you remember when we were quite little tots, and used to play at executions in the back-garden, and you were a bandit and a buccaneer, and all sorts of dreadful things, and i used to chop off your head with a paper-knife? how pleased dear father used to be!" "jeanne," said enguerrand, with some hesitation, "you've touched upon the very subject that i came to speak to you about. do you know, dear, i can't help feeling--it may be unreasonable, but still the feeling is there--that the profession you have adopted is not quite--is just a little----" "now, enguerrand!" said jeanne, an angry flash sparkling in her eyes. she was a little touchy on this subject, the word she most affected to despise being also the one she most dreaded,--the adjective "unladylike." "don't misunderstand me, jeanne," went on enguerrand imploringly: "you may naturally think that, because i should have succeeded to the post, with its income and perquisites, had you relinquished your claim, there is therefore some personal feeling in my remonstrances. believe me, it is not so. my own interests do not weigh with me for a moment. it is on your account, jeanne, and yours alone, that i ask you to consider whether the higher æsthetic qualities, which i know you possess, may not become cramped and thwarted by 'the trivial round, the common task,' which you have lightly undertaken. however laudable a professional life may be, one always feels that with a delicate organism such as woman, some of the bloom may possibly get rubbed off the peach." "well, enguerrand," said jeanne, composing herself with an effort, though her lips were set hard, "i will do you the justice to believe that personal advantage does not influence you, and i will try to reason calmly with you, and convince you that you are simply hide-bound by old-world prejudice. now, take yourself, for instance, who come here to instruct me: what does _your_ profession amount to, when all's said and done? a mass of lies, quibbles, dodges, and tricks, that would make any self-respecting executioner blush! and even with the dirty weapons at your command, you make but a poor show of it. there was that wretched fellow you defended only two days ago. (i was in court during the trial--professional interest, you know.) well, he had his regular _alibi_ all ready, as clear as clear could be; only you must needs go and mess and bungle the thing up, so that, just as i expected all along, he was passed on to me for treatment in due course. you may like to have his opinion--that of a shrewd, though unlettered person. 'it's a real pleasure, miss,' he said, 'to be handled by you. you _knows_ your work, and you _does_ your work--though p'raps i ses it as shouldn't. if that blooming fool of a mouthpiece of mine'--he was referring to you, dear, in your capacity of advocate--'had known his business half as well as you do yours, i shouldn't a bin here now!' and you know, enguerrand, he was perfectly right." "well, perhaps he was," admitted enguerrand. "you see, i had been working at a sonnet the night before, and i couldn't get the rhymes right, and they would keep coming into my head in court and mixing themselves up with the _alibi_. but look here, jeanne, when you saw i was going off the track, you might have given me a friendly hint, you know--for old times' sake, if not for the prisoner's!" "i daresay," replied jeanne calmly: "perhaps you'll tell me why i should sacrifice my interests because you're unable to look after yours. you forget that i receive a bonus, over and above my salary, upon each exercise of my functions!" "true," said enguerrand gloomily: "i did forget that. i wish i had your business aptitudes, jeanne." "i daresay you do," remarked jeanne. "but you see, dear, how all your arguments fall to the ground. you mistake a prepossession for a logical base. now if i had gone, like that clairette you used to dangle after, and been waiting-woman to some grand lady in a château,--a thin-blooded compound of drudge and sycophant,--then, i suppose, you'd have been perfectly satisfied. so feminine! so genteel!" "she's not a bad sort of girl, little claire," said enguerrand reflectively (thereby angering jeanne afresh): "but putting her aside,--of course you could always beat me at argument, jeanne; you'd have made a much better lawyer than i. but you know, dear, how much i care about you; and i did hope that on that account even a prejudice, however unreasonable, might have some little weight. and i'm not alone, let me tell you, in my views. there was a fellow in court only to-day, who was saying that yours was only a _succès d'estime_, and that woman, as a naturally talkative and hopelessly unpunctual animal, could never be more than a clever amateur in the profession you have chosen." "that will do, enguerrand," said jeanne proudly; "it seems that when argument fails, you can stoop so low as to insult me through my sex. you men are all alike,--steeped in brutish masculine prejudice. now go away, and don't mention the subject to me again till you're quite reasonable and nice." iii jeanne passed a somewhat restless night after her small scene with her cousin, waking depressed and unrefreshed. though she had carried matters with so high a hand, and had scored so distinctly all around, she had been more agitated than she had cared to show. she liked enguerrand; and more especially did she like his admiration for her; and that chance allusion to clairette contained possibilities that were alarming. in embracing a professional career, she had never thought for a moment that it could militate against that due share of admiration to which, as a girl, she was justly entitled; and enguerrand's views seemed this morning all the more narrow and inexcusable. she rose languidly, and as soon as she was dressed sent off a little note to the mayor, saying that she had a nervous headache and felt out of sorts, and begging to be excused from attendance on that day; and the missive reached the mayor just as he was taking his usual place at the head of the board. "dear, dear!" said the kind-hearted old man, as soon as he had read the letter to his fellow-councilmen: "i'm very sorry. poor girl! here, one of you fellows, just run round and tell the gaoler there won't be any business to-day. jeanne's seedy. it's put off till to-morrow. and now, gentlemen, the agenda----" "really, your worship," exploded robinet, "this is simply ridiculous!" "upon my word, robinet," said the mayor, "i don't know what's the matter with you. here's a poor girl unwell,--and a more hard-working girl isn't in the town,--and instead of sympathising with her, and saying you're sorry, you call it ridiculous! suppose you had a headache yourself! you wouldn't like----" "but it _is_ ridiculous," maintained the tanner stoutly. "who ever heard of an executioner having a nervous headache? there's no precedent for it. and 'out of sorts,' too! suppose the criminals said they were out of sorts, and didn't feel up to being executed?" "well, suppose they did," replied the mayor, "we'd try and meet them half-way, i daresay. they'd have to be executed some time or other, you know. why on earth are you so captious about trifles? the prisoners won't mind, and _i_ don't mind: nobody's inconvenienced, and everybody's happy!" "you're right there, mr. mayor," put in another councilman. "this executing business used to give the town a lot of trouble and bother; now it's all as easy as kiss-your-hand. instead of objecting, as they used to do, and wanting to argue the point and kick up a row, the fellows as is told off for execution come skipping along in the morning, like a lot of lambs in may-time. and then the fun there is on the scaffold! the jokes, the back answers, the repartees! and never a word to shock a baby! why, my little girl, as goes through the market-place every morning--on her way to school, you know--she says to me only yesterday, she says, 'why, father,' she says, 'it's as good as the play-actors,' she says." "there again," persisted robinet; "i object to that too. they ought to show a properer feeling. playing at mummers is one thing, and being executed is another, and people ought to keep 'em separate. in my father's time, that sort of thing wasn't thought good taste, and i don't hold with new-fangled notions." "well, really, neighbour," said the mayor, "i think you're out of sorts yourself to-day. you must have got out of bed the wrong side this morning. as for a little joke, more or less, we all know a maiden loves a merry jest when she's certain of having the last word! but i'll tell you what i'll do, if it'll please you; i'll go round and see jeanne myself on my way home, and tell her--quite nicely, you know--that once in a way doesn't matter; but that if she feels her health won't let her keep regular business hours, she mustn't think of going on with anything that's bad for her. like that, don't you see? and now, gentlemen, let's read the minutes!" thus it came about that jeanne took her usual walk that evening with a ruffled brow and a swelling heart; and her little hand opened and shut angrily as she paced the ramparts. she couldn't stand being found fault with. how could she help having a headache? those clods of citizens didn't know what a highly strung sensitive organisation was. absorbed in her reflections, she had taken several turns up and down the grassy footway before she became aware that she was not alone. a youth, of richer dress and more elegant bearing than the general run of the radegundians, was leaning in an embrasure, watching the graceful figure with evident interest. "something has vexed you, fair maiden?" he observed, coming forward deferentially as soon as he perceived he was noticed; "and care sits but awkwardly on that smooth young brow." "nay, it is nothing, kind sir," replied jeanne; "we girls who work for our living must not be too sensitive. my employers have been somewhat exigent, that is all. i did wrong to take it to heart." "'tis the way of the bloated capitalist," rejoined the young man lightly, as he turned to walk by her side. "they grind us, they grind us; perhaps some day they will come under your hands in turn, and then you can pay them out. and so you toil and spin, fair lily! and yet, methinks, those delicate hands show little trace of labour?" "you wrong me, indeed, sir," replied jeanne merrily. "these hands of mine, that you are so good as to admire, do great execution!" "i can well believe that your victims are numerous," he replied; "may i be permitted to rank myself among the latest of them?" "i wish you a better fortune, kind sir," answered jeanne demurely. "i can imagine no more delightful one," he replied; "and where do you ply your daily task, fair mistress? not entirely out of sight and access, i trust?" [illustration: "au revoir, sir! if you should happen to be in the market-place any morning."] "nay, sir," laughed jeanne, "i work in the market-place most mornings, and there is no charge for admission; and access is far from difficult. indeed, some complain--but that is no business of mine. and now i must be wishing you a good-evening. nay,"--for he would have detained her,--"it is not seemly for an unprotected maiden to tarry in converse with a stranger at this hour. _au revoir_, sir! if you should happen to be in the market-place any morning----" and she tripped lightly away. the youth, gazing after her retreating figure, confessed himself strangely fascinated by this fair unknown, whose particular employment, by the way, he had forgotten to ask; while jeanne, as she sped homewards, could not help reflecting that, for style and distinction, this new acquaintance threw into the shade all the enguerrands and others she had met hitherto--even in the course of business. iv the next morning was bright and breezy, and jeanne was early at her post, feeling quite a different girl. the busy little market-place was full of colour and movement, and the gay patches of flowers and fruit, the strings of fluttering kerchiefs, and the piles of red and yellow pottery, formed an artistic setting to the quiet impressive scaffold which they framed. jeanne was in short sleeves, according to the etiquette of her office, and her round graceful arms showed snowily against her dark blue skirt and scarlet, tight-fitting bodice. her assistant looked at her with admiration. "hope you're better, miss," he said respectfully. "it was just as well you didn't put yourself out to come yesterday; there was nothing particular to do. only one fellow, and _he_ said he didn't care; anything to oblige a lady!" "well, i wish he'd hurry up now, to oblige a lady," said jeanne, swinging her axe carelessly to and fro: "ten minutes past the hour; i shall have to talk to the mayor about this." "it's a pity there ain't a better show this morning," pursued the assistant, as he leant over the rail of the scaffold and spat meditatively into the busy throng below. "they do say as how the young seigneur arrived at the château yesterday--him as has been finishing his education in paris, you know. he's as likely as not to be in the market-place to-day; and if he's disappointed, he may go off to paris again, which would be a pity, seeing the château's been empty so long. but he may go to paris, or anywhere else he's a mind to, he won't see better workmanship than in this here little town!" "well, my good raoul," said jeanne, colouring slightly at the obvious compliment, "quality, not quantity, is what we aim at here, you know. if a paris education has been properly assimilated by the seigneur, he will not fail to make all the necessary allowances. but see, the prison-doors are opening at last!" [illustration: endeavouring to convey the tardy prisoner to the scaffold.] they both looked across the little square to the prison, which fronted the scaffold; and sure enough, a small body of men, the sheriff at their head, was issuing from the building, conveying, or endeavouring to convey, the tardy prisoner to the scaffold. that gentleman, however, seemed to be in a different and less obliging frame of mind from that of the previous day; and at every pace one or other of the guards was shot violently into the middle of the square, propelled by a vigorous kick or blow from the struggling captive. the crowd, unaccustomed of late to such demonstrations of feeling, and resenting the prisoner's want of taste, hooted loudly; but it was not until that ingenious mediæval arrangement known as _la marche aux crapauds_ had been brought to bear on him that the reluctant convict could be prevailed upon to present himself before the young lady he had already so unwarrantably detained. jeanne's profession had both accustomed her to surprises and taught her the futility of considering her clients as drawn from any one particular class; yet she could hardly help feeling some astonishment on recognising her new acquaintance of the previous evening. that, with all his evident amiability of character, he should come to this end, was not in itself a special subject for wonder; but that he should have been conversing with her on the ramparts at the hour when--after courteously excusing her attendance on the scaffold--he was cooling his heels in prison for another day, seemed hardly to be accounted for, at first sight. jeanne, however, reflected that the reconciling of apparent contradictions was not included in her official duties. the sheriff, wiping his heated brow, now read the formal _procès_ delivering over the prisoner to the executioner's hands; "and a nice job we've had to get him here," he added on his own account. and the young man, who had remained perfectly tractable since his arrival, stepped forward and bowed politely. "now that we have been properly introduced," said he courteously, "allow me to apologise for any inconvenience you have been put to by my delay. the fault was entirely mine, and these gentlemen are in no way to blame. had i known whom i was to have the pleasure of meeting, wings could not have conveyed me swiftly enough." "do not mention, i pray, the word inconvenience," replied jeanne, with that timid grace which so well became her. "i only trust that any slight discomfort it may be my duty to cause you before we part will be as easily pardoned. and now--for the morning, alas! advances--any little advice or assistance that i can offer is quite at your service; for the situation is possibly new, and you may have had but little experience." "faith! none worth mentioning," said the prisoner gaily. "treat me as a raw beginner. though our acquaintance has been but brief, i have the utmost confidence in you." "then, sir," said jeanne, blushing, "suppose i were to assist you in removing this gay doublet, so as to give both of us more freedom and less responsibility?" "a perquisite of the office?" queried the prisoner with a smile, as he slipped one arm out of its sleeve. a flush came over jeanne's fair brow. "that was ungenerous," she said. "nay, pardon me, sweet one," said he, laughing: "'twas but a poor jest of mine--in bad taste, i willingly admit." [illustration: "nay pardon me, sweet one, 'twas but a jest of mine."] "i was sure you did not mean to hurt me," she replied kindly, while her fingers were busy in turning back the collar of his shirt. it was composed, she noticed, of the finest point lace; and she could not help a feeling of regret that some slight error--as must, from what she knew, exist somewhere--should compel her to take a course so at variance with her real feelings. her only comfort was that the youth himself seemed entirely satisfied with his situation. he hummed the last air from paris during her ministrations, and when she had quite finished, kissed the pretty fingers with a metropolitan grace. "and now, sir," said jeanne, "if you will kindly come this way: and please to mind the step--so. now, if you will have the goodness to kneel here--nay, the sawdust is perfectly clean; you are my first client this morning. on the other side of the block you will find a nick, more or less adapted to the human chin, though a perfect fit cannot, of course, be guaranteed in every case. so! are you pretty comfortable?" "a bed of roses," replied the prisoner. "and what a really admirable view one gets of the valley and the river, from just this particular point!" "charming, is it not?" replied jeanne. "i'm so glad you do justice to it. some of your predecessors have really quite vexed me by their inability to appreciate that view. it's worth coming here to see it. and now, to return to business for one moment,--would you prefer to give the word yourself? some people do; it's a mere matter of taste. or will you leave yourself entirely in my hands?" "oh, in your fair hands," replied her client, "which i beg you to consider respectfully kissed once more by your faithful servant to command." jeanne, blushing rosily, stepped back a pace, moistening her palms as she grasped her axe, when a puffing and blowing behind caused her to turn her head, and she perceived the mayor hastily ascending the scaffold. "hold on a minute, jeanne, my girl," he gasped. "don't be in a hurry. there's been some little mistake." jeanne drew herself up with dignity. "i'm afraid i don't quite understand you, mr. mayor," she replied in freezing accents. "there's been no little mistake on my part that i'm aware of." "no, no, no," said the mayor apologetically; "but on somebody else's there has. you see it happened in this way: this here young fellow was going round the town last night; and he'd been dining, i should say, and he was carrying on rather free. i will only say so much in your presence, that he was carrying on decidedly free. so the town-guard happened to come across him, and he was very high and very haughty, he was, and wouldn't give his name nor yet his address--as a gentleman should, you know, when he's been dining and carrying on free. so our fellows just ran him in--and it took the pick of them all their time to do it, too. well, then, the other chap who was in prison--the gentleman who obliged you yesterday, you know--what does he do but slip out and run away in the middle of all the row and confusion; and very inconsiderate and ungentlemanly it was of him to take advantage of us in that mean way, just when we wanted a little sympathy and forbearance. well, the sheriff comes this morning to fetch out his man for execution, and he knows there's only one man to execute, and he sees there's only one man in prison, and it all seems as simple as a b c--he never was much of a mathematician, you know--so he fetches our friend here along, quite gaily. and--and that's how it came about, you see; _hinc illæ lachrymæ_, as the roman poet has it. so now i shall just give this young fellow a good talking to, and discharge him with a caution; and we sha'n't require you any more to-day, jeanne, my girl." "now, look here, mr. mayor," said jeanne severely, "you utterly fail to grasp the situation in its true light. all these little details may be interesting in themselves, and doubtless the press will take note of them; but they are entirely beside the point. with the muddleheadedness of your officials (which i have frequently remarked upon) i have nothing whatever to do. all i know is, that this young gentleman has been formally handed over to me for execution, with all the necessary legal requirements; and executed he has got to be. when my duty has been performed, you are at liberty to reopen the case if you like; and any 'little mistake' that may have occurred through your stupidity you can then rectify at your leisure. meantime, you've no _locus standi_ here at all; in fact, you've no business whatever lumbering up my scaffold. so shut up and clear out." "now, jeanne, do be reasonable," implored the mayor. "you women are so precise. you never will make any allowance for the necessary margin of error in things." "if i were to allow the necessary margin for all _your_ errors, mayor," replied jeanne coolly, "the edition would have to be a large-paper one, and even then the text would stand a poor chance. and now, if you don't allow me the necessary margin to swing my axe, there may be another 'little mistake'----" [illustration: but at this point a hubbub arose at the foot of the scaffold.] but at this point a hubbub arose at the foot of the scaffold, and jeanne, leaning over, perceived sundry tall fellows, clad in the livery of the seigneur, engaged in dispersing the municipal guard by the agency of well-directed kicks, applied with heartiness and anatomical knowledge. a moment later, there strode on to the scaffold, clad in black velvet, and adorned with his gold chain of office, the stately old seneschal of the château, evidently in a towering passion. "now, mark my words, you miserable little bladder-o'-lard," he roared at the mayor (whose bald head certainly shone provokingly in the morning sun), "see if i don't take this out of your skin presently!" and he passed on to where the youth was still kneeling, apparently quite absorbed in the view. "my lord," he said firmly though respectfully, "your hair-brained folly really passes all bounds. have you entirely lost your head?" "faith, nearly," said the young man, rising and stretching himself. "is that you, old thibault? ow, what a crick i've got in my neck! but that view of the valley was really delightful!" "did you come here simply to admire the view, my lord?" inquired thibault severely. [illustration: "now mark my words you miserable little bladder-o'-lard, see if i don't take this out of your skin presently."] "i came because my horse would come," replied the young seigneur lightly: "that is, these gentlemen here were so pressing; they would not hear of any refusal; and besides, they forgot to mention what my attendance was required in such a hurry for. and when i got here, thibault, old fellow, and saw that divine creature--nay, a goddess, _dea certé_--so graceful, so modest, so anxious to acquit herself with credit---well, you know my weakness; i never could bear to disappoint a woman. she had evidently set her heart on taking my head; and as she had my heart already----" "i think, my lord," said thibault, with some severity, "you had better let me escort you back to the château. this appears to be hardly a safe place for light-headed and susceptible persons!" jeanne, as was natural, had the last word. "understand me, mr. mayor," said she, "these proceedings are entirely irregular. i decline to recognise them, and when the quarter expires i shall claim the usual bonus!" v when, an hour or two later, an invitation arrived--courteously worded but significantly backed by an escort of half-a-dozen tall archers--for both jeanne and the mayor to attend at the château without delay, jeanne for her part received it with neither surprise nor reluctance. she had felt it especially hard that the only two interviews fate had granted her with the one man who had made some impression on her heart should be hampered, the one by considerations of propriety, the other by the conflicting claims of her profession and its duties. on this occasion, now, she would have an excellent chaperon in the mayor; and, business being over for the day, they could meet and unbend on a common social footing. the mayor was not at all surprised either, considering what had gone before; but he was exceedingly terrified, and sought some consolation from jeanne as they proceeded together to the château. that young lady's remarks, however, could hardly be called exactly comforting. [illustration: an invitation arrived, backed by an escort of half-a-dozen tall archers.] "i always thought you'd put your foot in it some day, mayor," she said. "you are so hopelessly wanting in system and method. really, under the present happy-go-lucky police arrangements, i never know whom i may not be called upon to execute. between you and my cousin enguerrand, life is hardly safe in this town. and the worst of it is, that we other officials on the staff have to share in the discredit." "what do you think they'll do to me, jeanne?" whimpered the mayor, perspiring freely. "can't say, i'm sure," pursued the candid jeanne. "of course, if it's anything in the _rack_ line of business, i shall have to superintend the arrangements, and then you can feel sure you're in capable hands. but probably they'll only fine you pretty smartly, give you a month or two in the dungeons, and dismiss you from your post; and you will hardly grudge any slight personal inconvenience resulting from an arrangement so much to the advantage of the town." this was hardly reassuring, but the mayor's official reprimand of the previous day still rankled in this unforgiving young person's mind. on their reaching the château the mayor was conducted aside, to be dealt with by thibault; and from the sounds of agonised protestation and lament which shortly reached jeanne's ears, it was evident that he was having a _mauvais quart d'heure_. the young lady was shown respectfully into a chamber apart, where she had hardly had time to admire sufficiently the good taste of the furniture and the magnificence of the tapestry with which the walls were hung, when the seigneur entered and welcomed her with a cordial grace that put her entirely at her ease. "your punctuality puts me to shame, fair mistress," he said, "considering how unwarrantably i kept you waiting this morning, and how i tested your patience by my ignorance and awkwardness." he had changed his dress, and the lace round his neck was even richer than before. jeanne had always considered one of the chief marks of a well-bred man to be a fine disregard for the amount of his washing-bill; and then with what good taste he referred to recent events--putting himself in the wrong, as a gentleman should! "indeed, my lord," she replied modestly, "i was only too anxious to hear from your own lips that you bore me no ill-will for the part forced on me by circumstances in our recent interview. your lordship has sufficient critical good sense, i feel sure, to distinguish between the woman and the official." "true, jeanne," he replied, drawing nearer; "and while i shrink from expressing, in their fulness, all the feelings that the woman inspires in me, i have no hesitation--for i know it will give you pleasure--in acquainting you with the entire artistic satisfaction with which i watched you at your task!" "but, indeed," said jeanne, "you did not see me at my best. in fact, i can't help wishing--it's ridiculous, i know, because the thing is hardly practicable--but if i could only have carried my performance quite through, and put the last finishing touches to it, you would not have been judging me now by the mere 'blocking-in' of what promised to be a masterpiece!" "yes, i wish it could have been arranged somehow," said the seigneur, reflectively; "but perhaps it's better as it is. i am content to let the artist remain for the present on trust, if i may only take over, fully paid up, the woman i adore!" jeanne felt strangely weak. the official seemed oozing out at her fingers and toes, while the woman's heart beat even more distressingly. "i have one little question to ask," he murmured (his arm was about her now). "do i understand that you still claim your bonus?" jeanne felt like water in his strong embrace; but she nerved herself to answer, faintly but firmly, "yes!" "then so do i," he replied, as his lips met hers. * * * * * executions continued to occur in st. radegonde; the radegundians being conservative and very human. but much of the innocent enjoyment that formerly attended them departed after the fair châtelaine had ceased to officiate. enguerrand, on succeeding to the post, wedded clairette, she being (he was heard to say) a more suitable match in mind and temper than others of whom he would name no names. rumour had it, that he found his match and something over; while as for temper--and mind (which she gave him in bits). but the domestic trials of high-placed officials have a right to be held sacred. the profession, in spite of his best endeavours, languished nevertheless. some said that the scaffold lacked its old attraction for criminals of spirit; others, more unkindly, that the headsman was the innocent cause, and that enguerrand was less fatal in his new sphere than formerly, when practising in the criminal court as advocate for the defence. [illustration: the end] ky, for generously providing the vignette on pg. 13. note: project gutenberg also has an html version of this file which includes the original illustrations. see 20236-h.htm or 20236-h.zip: (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/2/0/2/3/20236/20236-h/20236-h.htm) or (http://www.gutenberg.net/dirs/2/0/2/3/20236/20236-h.zip) fair to look upon by mary belle freeley with original illustrations by w. l. dodge [illustration: "i hummed a gay little tune for his benefit."] chicago morrill, higgins & co. copyright: morrill, higgins & co. 1892 contents. a ripple of dissension and what came of it, 11 the story of eve, 19 the abraham-hagar affair, 29 isaac's wife, 47 a woman's monument, 67 another of the women of old, 83 all naughty, but fair, 97 story of some women and a baby, 107 another of "the mistakes of moses," 123 some managing women, 135 another group of them, 151 the famous widow of moab, 163 he gave it up too, 175 illustrations. i hummed a gay little tune for his benefit, _frontispiece_. he held my milk-white hand in his, 13 our first parents, 17 while adam was idly, lazily sunning himself in the garden, 25 the serpent did tempt me, 28 and the men watched to see her go by, 33 and the woman was taken into pharaoh's house, 37 abraham entertaining the three angels, 41 and he sent hagar and ishmael out into the wilderness, 43 and abraham went down to egypt, 44 let me, i pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher, 55 i will go, 58 two little boys played marbles, 59 esau cheated out of his blessing, 62 and rebekah was--a woman, 64 and there came two angels to sodom, 69 and lot went out and tried to pacify them, 71 lot's wife looked back, 75 look not behind thee, 80 jacob kissed rachel and lifted up his voice and wept, 87 and jacob served seven years for rachel, 89 she hoped he would excuse her for not arising, 94 put up his hands in welcome and said "ah, goo! ah goo!" 115 and every kiss strengthened her determination, 119 they clasped hands lingeringly and said a soft good night, 129 alas, my lord, i beseech thee, 132 what would'st thou? 139 she let them down from the window of her house, 143 she smote the nail into his temples, 145 cast a piece of a millstone upon abimelech's head, 147 and she betrayed him, 149 turned her pretty head aside and blushed, 170 and boaz and ruth were married, 173 and i said- 180 a ripple of dissension and what came of it. [illustration: (he held my milk-white hand in his.)] a ripple of dissension and what came of it. i was about to be married. my numerous charms and attractions had won the affections of a young man who was equally charming with myself. we were sitting on a luxurious divan and he held my milk-white hand in his. i do not make that statement as a startling announcement of an unusual occurrence, but simply as a matter of fact. we had been conversing about the culinary and domestic arrangements of our future home when matrimony had made us "one flesh;" or, to use english, we had been wondering what under the canopy a good cooking stove would cost, when he asked suddenly and irrelevantly, "and you will love me, always?" "of course," said i, a little impatiently; for when one is deep in a mathematical problem such a question is a little annoying. "and you will honor me always?" he next inquired. "as long as you deserve to be honored," i replied, with the habitual good sense of my age and sex, mentally wondering if granite-ware stewpans went with a cooking stove. "and you will obey me?" he queried next, in a tone that plainly indicated that i'd have to. i left the mathematical problem for future solution and said, hesitatingly: "yes--if--i--can." "if you can?" he said, in sternly questioning tones; and a cloud no bigger than a man's hand appeared upon the heaven of our love. "i don't believe a woman ever lived who ever obeyed any one--god, angels, or men," i cried. "you are a traitor. you slander your sex," he exclaimed, aghast. "i deny the charge," i replied, springing to my feet, with all the spirit of the above-mentioned age and sex. "by that assertion i only add glory to their fame." he looked at me for a little while, too surprised to speak, and then said, in sarcastic tones: "consider our wedding postponed until you have had a little time to study your bible. good night." "'study your bible!' that is what everybody says when they want to prove any theory, creed, ism, or anything. i shall study my bible diligently. good night," i replied, thinking it was not such very bad advice after all; and then i hummed a gay little tune for his benefit until i heard the hall door close. and i have studied my bible with the following result. [illustration: (our first parents.)] the story of eve. the story of eve. away back when adam was a young man--now i know that adam is rather an ancient subject, but you need not elevate your eyebrows in scorn, for you will be ancient yourself sometime--he found himself in eden one day; he did not know why, but we do, don't we? he was there because eve was to come, and it was a foregone conclusion even in that early age that when she did appear she would want some one to hold her bouquet, open the door for her, button her gloves, tell her she was pretty and sweet and "i never saw a woman like you before," you know. her arrival was the greatest event the world has ever known, and the grandest preparations were made for it. a blue sky arched gloriously over the earth, and sun, moon and stars flashed and circled into space, silvery rivers ran cool and slow through scented valleys, the trees threw cooling shadows on the fresh, damp grass, the birds sang in the rosy dawn, the flowers blushed in odorous silence and yet it was all incomplete, and adam wandered restlessly around like a man who has lost his collar button. but suddenly a great hush of expectancy fell upon the world. not a bird fluttered its feathers, the flowers bowed their heads, the winds and the waters listening ceased their flowing and their blowing, the radiant moonshine mingled its light with the pale pink dawn and a million stars paled their eternal fires, as eve, the first woman, stood in eden. and the world was young and beautiful. the first flush and bloom was on the mountains and the valleys, the birds were thrilled by the sweetness of their own songs, the waves broke into little murmurs of delight at their own liquid beauty, the stars of heaven and the unfading blue were above adam's head--and yet he wasn't satisfied. long he stood idly in the brightening dawn wondering why the days were so long and why there were so many of them, when suddenly out from the swinging vines and the swaying foliage eve came forth. and though there was a vacant look on her lovely face (for her baby soul had not yet awakened) adam saw that her lips were red and her arm white and rounded and he whistled a soft, low whistle with a sort of "o-won't-you-stop-a-moment?" cadence in the music, and eve looked up; and i think at that moment he plucked a flower and offered it to her; and of course she did not understand it all, but nature, not intelligence, asserted her power, and she reached out her hand and took the rose--and then for the first time in the world a woman blushed and smiled; and i suspect it was at that very moment that "the morning stars first sang together." woman has never been obedient. she has always had the germ of the ruler and autocrat in her soul. it was born when eve first looked with longing eyes at the apple swinging in the sunlight. while adam was idly, lazily sunning himself in the garden was eve contented to smell the fragrance of the violets and bask in the starlight of a new world? oh no! she was quietly wandering around searching for the serpent, and when she found him she smiled upon him and he thought the world grew brighter; then she laughed and his subjugation was complete; and then the naughty creature, without waiting for an introduction, led him to the famous apple tree, and standing on her tip-toes, reached up her hands and said with a soul-subduing little pout: "see, i want that apple, but i can't reach it. won't you please find a club and knock it off for me?" and she looked out of the corner of her eye and blushed divinely. now this serpent represented, so it has always been believed, a very shrewd person. he saw that this woman had no garments, and that after she had eaten this fruit she would know better, and delight in clothes ever after. so he gave her the apple. almost instantly after she had eaten some, not because she particularly liked apples, or had any idea of their adaptability in the way of pies, sauce or cider, but because she wanted to "be as gods knowing good and evil," as the serpent said she would. discontent with her wardrobe crept into her heart and ambition for something better sprang to life. [illustration: "while adam was idly, lazily sunning himself in the garden."] in the distance stood adam. with a thrill of rapture she beheld him, her aroused soul flashed from her eyes and love was born, and she ran toward him through the flowers, pausing on the river's brink to rest, for weariness had touched her limbs. she watched the waters running south out of the garden, and like one coming out of a dim, sweet twilight into a blaze of glory she looked and wondered "why" it ran that way, and lo! thought blossomed like a rose, and generosity laughed in the sunshine when she put the apple in adam's hand; and adam, with the only woman in the world beside him, and the first free lunch before him, forgot all about god and his commands and "did eat," and the results prove that free lunches always did demoralize men--and always will. and modesty blushed rosy red when adam put the apple to his lips, and invention and ingenuity, new-born, rushed to the rescue, and they gathered the fig leaves. then memory like a demon whispered in her ear: "the day that ye eat thereof ye shall surely die." she glanced at adam and deadly fear chilled the joyous blood in her veins. then she argued: "he will be less angry with me, a woman, and his vengeance will fall less heavily on me than on the man to whom his command was given;" and lo! reason rose like a star on the waves of life, and shoulder to shoulder womanly devotion and heroism that fears neither god nor death in defense of its loved ones entered her soul, and she instructed adam to say: "the woman tempted me," and deception trembled on her lips when she cried: "the serpent did tempt me," and the tears of regret and remorse watered the seeds of deception and they grew so luxuriously that women have always had that same way of getting out of scrapes ever since. yet to eve belongs the honor of never having obeyed any one--when it interfered with progress, advancement and intelligence--neither god, angels nor men. the women of the nineteenth century make a profound salaam of admiration and respect to eve, in whom they recognize the first courageous, undaunted pioneer woman of the world. [illustration: (the serpent did tempt me.)] the abraham-hagar affair. the abraham-hagar affair. "and there was a famine in the land; and abraham went down to egypt to sojourn there." you see abraham was that charming kind of man--a man with his pockets full of shekels, for "he was very rich in cattle, in silver and in gold." so, as provisions grew short in canaan, and as in those days when men went on a pleasure trip they took their wives with them, sarah accompanied him to egypt. up to this time husbands had only been obedient, but in this age they began to be complimentary, and as sarah and abraham were about entering egypt, he said to her, "behold now, i know that thou art a fair woman to look upon," and even if it is the first compliment on record, we must admit, even at this late day, that abraham was far advanced in the art of flattery. now sarah was the pioneer, champion, incomparable coquette of the ancient world, and as such deserves our earnest attention. we gather from the following events that abraham realized her unequaled proclivities for getting in with kings, landlords and other magnates of the countries through which she was pleasuring, and so he told her to pass herself off as his sister; and because she believed it would enhance her chances of having a good time, and as it was easy, natural and agreeable, she did it, and not because she had any idea of merely obeying her husband. abraham wanted their marriage kept secret because, in those days, when a lover-king wished to get rid of an obnoxious husband, he hypnotized him into eternal silence by having him used as a target for a sling, a spear or javelin, instead of causing an appeal to the divorce courts, as they do in this civilized and enlightened generation. and i believe that, after all, the old way is the better one, for when men and women die, they are dead, but when they are only divorced they are awfully alive sometimes. [illustration: "and the men watched to see her go by."] and it came to pass, when they arrived in egypt, the egyptians "beheld the woman that she was very fair," and the men watched on the street corners to see her go by; and she passed herself as a giddy maiden with such unrivaled success that she gained a notoriety that would have made the fortune of a modern actress, and the princes of pharaoh commended her wit, beauty and grace to the king, "and the woman was taken into pharaoh's house." the attentive reader will observe that holy writ, in speaking of a woman, never deigns to say that she is virtuous, industrious, obedient, or a good cook, but seems to ignore everything but the fact that "she was fair to look upon." that was all that seemed to be required of the "holy women of old." and pharaoh "entreated abraham well for sarah's sake" (you notice they did everything to please the ladies in those days), and loaded him with riches, presents and honors; and pharaoh's wives and sub-wives and cadet wives didn't like it. and the secretary of the treasury, the prime minister and the high lord chamberlain of the bedchamber didn't like it. the neighbors began to talk openly; the scandal "smelled to heaven;" and the lord himself had to interfere to head the fair sarah off, and he "plagued pharaoh and his house with great plagues, because of sarah, abraham's wife." and then--after the preliminary amorous clasping of hands, the little caressing attentions, the lingering kisses; after the fiery expectation and the rapture of possession, after all this came--as it always does--the tragedy of satiety and separation. "and abraham went up out of egypt, he, and his wife and all that he had." [illustration: "and the woman was taken into pharaoh's house."] yet peter, in speaking of the duties of wives, has the temerity to refer to the "holy women of old," and holds sarah up as a bright and shining example for us to follow, saying, "even as sarah obeyed abraham, calling him lord." but we won't lay this up against peter, for it is a telling fact (and shows the predicament he was in) that he had to go back nearly two thousand years to find an obedient woman. there were evidently none in his day, but as he wished to make his teaching effective and submit some proof to clinch his argument, he went back to sarah and said, "even as sarah obeyed abraham," which shows he had never gotten at the real facts in the lovely sarah's career, or else was misrepresenting sarah to carry his point in favor of the men. a careful perusal of my bible convinces me that the "holy women of old," as peter dubs them, were all afflicted with a chronic determination to have their own way--and they had it. but the men were always obedient to the women, and each one "hearkened unto the voice of his wife" and also obeyed god and the angels. at this point in the history of the affable sarah and the dutiful abraham we come to the abraham-hagar case, and find the hired-girl question already agitating society. and the historian tells us that sarah told abraham that he could have hagar for his very own, and then the narrator naively remarks, "and abraham hearkened unto the voice of his wife." but of course this is a vile slander against sarah, and, at this late day, i rise to refute the charge. probably some of abraham's political friends, when the disgrace broke forth in all its rosy glory, trumped up this story about sarah's consent to save his reputation. but sarah never did anything of the kind, as her subsequent actions prove. it isn't human nature; it isn't wifely nature; and although sarah was a little gay-hearted herself, she wasn't going to stand any such nonsense--to speak lightly--from abraham, and when she discovered his intimacy with the hired girl she quietly called him into the tent, and in less than ten seconds she made his life a howling wilderness. i don't know exactly what she said (as i wasn't there), but it ended, as such scenes usually do end, by the dear man repenting. for, since he is found out, what else can a man do? he said he was sorely tempted, no doubt, and so forth and so on to the end of the chapter, and said: "thy maid is in thy hands; do unto her as it pleaseth thee." and "sarah dealt hardly with her, and she fled from her face." but she came back, because you remember she met an angel in the wilderness, and he told her to return. nice advice from an angel, wasn't it? [illustration: (abraham entertaining the three angels.)] the next scene in which the lovely sarah distinguishes herself, and nobly sustains her record for disobedience and a determination to follow the dictates of her own sweet will, was when abraham entertained the three angels. now hobnobbing with angels wasn't an every-day affair, even in that age when angels were more plentiful than they are now. and abraham was naturally a little excited, and he "hastened into the tent unto sarah," and said: "make ready quickly three measures of fine meal, knead it, and make cakes upon the hearth;" and he gave orders to a young man to kill a calf, etc. and after a while the supper was served, with all the delicacies the rich and great could afford, and everything appeared that he had ordered--except sarah's cakes. they were simply and inexplicably _non est_. of course it was a pretty shabby thing for a woman to go back on her husband in his hour of need, and when there were angels in the house too; but she did it, thereby sustaining her reputation for crookedness and general contrariness as a wife. and yet it has always been preached to us that we should obey our husbands "even as sarah obeyed abraham." well, we're willing, since all she had to do was to look pretty, be agreeable, and do exactly as she pleased. but the very fact that sarah has been held up as an example for us to follow proves that the men had not read up her record intelligently, or else in their extremity they were presuming on our ignorance while trying to enforce order and submission. but that was not the worst of it. when she heard the angel tell abraham that she should have a son she ridiculed the idea. she had the germ of the infidel in her heart, and lacked abraham's credulity, and would not believe anything, even if an angel did say so, unless it was backed up by reason and common sense, and so she laughed behind their backs. now it appears that angels object to being ridiculed as well as other folk, and when they heard her giggling they demanded to know the reason of abraham. it was exceedingly naughty for her to place her husband in such a predicament, and when she found she was getting the whole family into an uproar she denied the charge, which shows that to her other charming and wifely qualities she added the art of equivocating. [illustration: (and he sent hagar and ishmael out into the wilderness.)] after that abraham "sojourned in gerar," and again the seductive sarah charmed the great king, and again the lord had to interfere and settle the affair. when isaac was born sarah was more exacting and jealous than ever of hagar, and said to abraham: "cast out this bond-woman and her son; for the son of this bond-woman shall not be heir with my son." [illustration: (and abraham went down to egypt.)] "and the thing was very grievous in abraham's sight," but he "hearkened unto the voice of his wife," like the dutiful and obedient husband he was, and he sent hagar and ishmael out into the wilderness. and even to this day the women who are guilty of hagar's crime are remorselessly sent out into the wilderness of desertion, despair and disgrace--and it is right and just! we are told that "fashions change;" but sarah inaugurated a fashion that wives have followed to this day, and will follow till the ocean of eternity shall sweep the island of time into oblivion. and so endeth the chapter of the second prominent woman of "holy writ." and abraham was always "obedient," and "hearkened unto the voice of his wife;" and sarah was a lawless, crafty, coquettish--but never obedient woman. isaac's wife. isaac's wife. and abraham said unto his servant, "thou shalt go unto my country and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son isaac." but the servant, who was evidently a student of female character and knew "that when a woman will, she will, you may depend on it; and when she won't, she won't, and there's an end on it;" said: "peradventure, the woman will not be willing to follow me unto this land." then abraham, who was a connoisseur in feminine ethics (as he naturally would be, having had such able instructors as sarah and hagar) and realized the utter futility of attempting to persuade, bribe or induce a woman to do anything she objected to doing, said: "and if the woman will not be willing to follow thee, then thou shalt be clear from this mine oath." so the servant departed and "went to mesopotamia unto the city of nahor." now it seems in those days the girls of nahor went outside the city gates every evening, according to oriental custom, to draw water from a well, and the artful servant of abraham tarried at the well at sunset, for he knew the girls would be along presently. it was a lovely eventide. the wind touched caressingly the few dainty flowers drooping their heads in sleepy fragrance, the birds twittered soft words of love to their nestling mates, the departing god of day lavished in reckless abandon his wealth of colors; piled crimson mountains red as his ardent love in the western sky, and robed high heaven in golden glory that his sweetheart--the earth--reveling in and remembering the grandeur of his passion and the splendor of his departure, might not love his silver-armored rival of the night. about this time the maidens tripped down to the well, where the shrewd servant stood as the "daughters of the men of the city came out to draw water," and prayed: "and let it come to pass that the damsel to whom i shall say, 'let down thy pitcher, i pray thee, that i may drink;' and she shall say, 'drink,' may be the one i am looking for;" or words to that effect. the words had hardly passed his lips ere rebekah, with the color snatched from the roses in her cheeks and the grace of untrammeled freedom in her step, skipped down to the well. and rebekah "was very fair to look upon." of course. in relating the history of these examples who have been held up since time immemorial for us to follow, the writers of "holy writ" never expatiate upon their virtue, industry, domesticity, constancy or love, but we are simply and briefly told they were "fair to look upon," and the natural logical inference is that we shall "go and do likewise." belonging to one of the wealthiest and most influential families of nahor, of course rebekah's practiced eye saw at a glance that the handsome fellow waiting at the well and looking the girls over was a person of rank and importance; for it is only a logical conclusion that coming from such a master and bound upon such an errand, he was surrounded by all the trappings and signs of wealth and luxury that the times afforded. and the maidens of nahor went outside the city gates partly for the same purpose, i suppose, as that for which the girls of other places go to the parks and matinã©es nowadays, for it seems to have been a notorious fact that had even spread to other countries, that the girls of nahor came down to the well in the blushing sunset, and that too, without chaperon or duenna. and i suppose the young men went down too, to flirt with the charming damsels, from the fact that the servant of abraham tarried there. and rebekah, stooping gracefully, filled her pitcher, swung it lightly to her shoulder--and as the woman sometimes takes the initiative in an affair of this kind--smiled upon the willing and ready-looking fellow; not exactly at him, but as it were in his direction, you know; and he caught the faint glint of sunshine on her lips, and then--but in the witching hour when the twilight and sunlight kiss and part, after the smile and look of recognition everyone knows what happens. and he ran to her and said with the pleasing courtesy of a man of the world: "let me, i pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher." then with the tact of a finished coquette, in three little words she conveyed to him the flattering knowledge that she recognized in him an embassador of power, wealth and luxury, by saying: "drink, my lord." after that they became acquainted in the most easy, off-hand manner, without an introduction, and yet we are told to follow the example of these pioneers of the race who were always "fair to look upon." i never in my life heard priest or people condemning her for forming the acquaintance of a stranger without an introduction; she was called one of the "mothers in israel," and even st. paul, who was a regular crank about the girls, classed her with the "holy women of old," which proves he didn't know anything about her history or was playing upon the ignorance of his hearers. she was a leader of the _ton_ in israel, and if in those days they did not banish her from good society, why should we censure the same conduct when we are so much more civilized, enlightened and liberal in our views? and in an incredibly short space of time he adorned her with earrings and bracelets, and she invited him home with her, and he actually went and made it all right with her mother and big brother by making a prepossessing exhibition of piety, for you remember how he told them "he bowed down his head and worshipped the lord." he told them of isaac, in whose name he sued for rebekah's fair hand. he didn't say that isaac was handsome, virtuous, talented or ambitious, but he said, "the lord hath blessed my master and he is very great; and he hath given him flocks and herds, and silver and gold, and maid servants and men servants, and camels and asses," and unto his son isaac "hath he given all that he hath," for this astute man of the world seemed to know that the surest and quickest way to win a woman was to show her a golden pathway strewn with the gems of power, luxury and ambition. and the big brother did not pull out his watch, look at it in a business-like way and say: [illustration: "let me, i pray thee, drink a little water of thy pitcher."] "rebekah, pack your trunk and be ready to take the 6:40 fast express." and her mother did not smile and say, "we're so delighted and honored, i'm sure. of course she will go." not at all. they knew better even in those days than to try and coerce or coax a woman to do anything she didn't want to do, and so they simply said: "we will call the damsel and inquire at her mouth." then the servant brought forth jewels of silver and jewels of gold, and raiment, and gave them to rebekah; and he gave also to her brother and to her mother precious things, and then we are naively told that rebekah said: "i will go." rebekah was a woman of decision and knew a good thing when she saw it, and so she did not wait to prepare a stunning trousseau or get out wedding cards and invitations fine enough to make all the girls of nahor sigh in envy and admiration, but she departed at once. now isaac was of a poetical nature, and sought the solitude of the fields at eventide to meditate. like most young men who have a love affair on hand he wanted to be alone and dream dreams and see visions. and, as good luck would have it, just at this sentimental and opportune moment, rebekah hove in sight. and isaac lifted up his eyes and beheld her; a woman with heaven in her eyes, a mouth sweet enough to make a man forget everything but the roses of life, and a form seductive enough to tempt the very gods from on high. [illustration: (i will go.)] and she beheld a man, young and strong and handsome, the touch of whose hand opened the gates of glory to her soul, "and she became his wife, and he loved her," thereby putting himself on record as the first man in the world we have any sacred official notification of as having loved his wife. so the days and months, brightened by smiles and tarnished by tears, dropped into the wreck-strewn, motionless ocean of the past, and in the course of human events two little boys played marbles in the tent of isaac, and rebekah scored the rather doubtful distinction of going on record as the first woman who ever doubled expectations and presented her husband with twins. [illustration: (two little boys played marbles.)] at this period the fair rebekah begins to get in her work as a disobedient wife, a deceitful, intriguing woman and an-all-round-have-her-own-way variety of her sex. "isaac loved esau, but rebekah loved jacob," and we conclude from that, as well as from the actual facts in the case, that there were domestic tornadoes, conjugal cyclones and general unpleasantness all round. about this time there was another famine in the land and isaac and rebekah (and others) went into the land of the philistines to dwell, and of course rebekah's beauty attracted universal attention, and the men of the place questioned isaac about her and he replied that she was his sister, as he said, "lest the men of the place should kill me for rebekah," because she _was_ fair to look upon. in that age it appears when a man fell in love with a woman he killed her husband, instead of hoodwinking and outwitting him as they do in this progressive era, but i suppose in spite of the awful chance of losing her husband by some sudden and tragic death, rebekah slyly and seductively smiled upon "the men of the place" from the fact that a little farther on we read that the king issued a mandate, saying: "he that toucheth this man or his wife shall surely be put to death." the king knew that isaac was favored of the lord, and he was afraid of some swift and condign punishment if isaac became offended by the amorous attentions of any of his subjects to rebekah, so he gave the order to the men. you will readily discern by that command that he was a keen and intelligent student of female character, and knew there was no use or reason in appealing to her sense of justice, her obedience to, or respect for law, or her regard for the "eternal fitness of things" in a case of the affections, and so he appealed to the fear and obedience of the men, for he realized that no man's pleading, no king's command, no threats from heaven or fears of hell can stop a woman's coquetry. a little farther on esau went the way of all young men and married, and worse than that he married judith the daughter of a hittite, "which was a grief of mind unto rebekah and isaac." we know that one of rebekah's strongest points was putting herself on record for doing something that no woman ever did before that we have any authorized statement of, and she did it in this case by being the first woman who hated her daughter-in-law. [illustration: (esau cheated out of his blessing.)] as we read on we find she was not the meek, submissive and obedient wife we are told women should be. she systematically and continually had her own way, in spite of husband, sons, kings, men, god or angels. [illustration: "and rebekah was--a woman."] we discover that by a succession of deceptions, tricks and chicanery she cheated esau out of his blessing, obtained it for jacob, and deceived and deluded her dying husband, all at one fell swoop. it is but just to jacob to say that he objected to putting himself in his brother's place, but rebekah said, "only obey my voice," and he obeyed--of course. the men were always obedient, as the bible proves conclusively. they obeyed everybody and anybody--kings, mothers, wives, sweethearts and courtesans. but where can we find any evidence of the vaunted obedience of woman? not among the prominent women of the bible at least. rebekah influenced her husband in all matters, advanced one son's interests and balked another's aims, prospects and ambitions. in short she played her cards with such consummate skill that she captured everything she cared to take. jacob was obedient, complimentary, submissive and loving and rebekah was--a woman. a woman's monument. a woman's monument. [illustration: (and there came two angels to sodom.)] "and there came two angels to sodom, at even." now lot and his wife were residents of sodom, and they entertained in the most courteous and hospitable manner the angels who were the advance guards of the destruction that was about to sweep the cities of sodom and gomorrah into oblivion, leaving only a blazing ash-strewn tradition to scare the slumbers of the wicked, and stalk a warning specter down the paths of iniquity through unborn ages. and the softening twilight fell upon the doomed but unconscious cities. unpitying nature smiled joyously. the cruel sun, possibly knowing the secret of the angels, gayly flaunted his myriad colors, and disappeared in a blaze of glory without wasting one regret upon the wicked cities he would see no more forever. no angelic hand wrote in blazing letters one word of warning across the star-gemmed scroll of heaven; but the song rung out on the evening breezes, laughter rose and fell and the red wine flowed; women danced lightly on the brink of destruction and men jested on the edge of the grave. and yet some rumor of these angels and their errand must have reached the fated cities, for after lot had dined and wined them before they retired, "the men of the city, even the men of sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter." and lot went out and tried to pacify them, but his eloquence and his pleading were in vain, and they said, "stand back." and they said again, "this one fellow came in to sojourn, and he will needs be a judge." [illustration: "and lot went out and tried to pacify them."] and i imagine there was a great tumult and confusion, angry words, flashing eyes and an ominous surging to and fro, "and they pressed sore upon the man, even lot," but still he pleaded the defense of the angels, and meanly offered to bring out his two young daughters and give to the howling mob--but the passion that glowed in the eyes and trembled in the voices of the raging throng was not a passion to be allayed by the clasp of a woman's hand, the flash of her azure eye, or the touch of her lips; and besides, that boisterous, angry crowd evidently did not believe in the efficacy of vicarious atonement and they flouted the offer. the uproar increased, curses and maledictions rung out, the demand for the men grew louder and louder, and at this perilous moment the angels "put forth their hand and pulled lot into the house to them, and shut to the door," and "they smote the men that were at the door of the house with blindness, both small and great: so that they wearied themselves to find the door." and in that crushing moment when eternal darkness fell upon the multitude the cries of anger and revenge died away, and such a moan of anguish and despair burst upon the affrighted night that the very stars in heaven trembled. then the angels confided to lot their dread secret and told him to warn all his relatives to leave the city with him, and he went out and told his sons-in-law of the impending calamity, and he "seemed as one that mocked unto his sons-in-law." the morning came blue-eyed and blushing, and the angels hastened lot and his wife, and hurried them out of the city, saying, "escape for thy life: look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plains: escape to the mountains, lest thou be consumed." now if there were any more disreputable people in the cities than lot's two young daughters, we don't wonder that the vengeance of a just god sent a blasting storm of bursting flames to lick with their fiery tongues these wicked cities from the face of the earth. what does arouse our wonder is that those fair girls with the devil's instincts smouldering in their hearts should be allowed to escape the general baking. but excuse us; our business is to state facts and not to wonder or surmise. [illustration: (lot's wife looked back.)] from subsequent facts we suppose that lot's wife sadly, perhaps rebelliously, lingered, for we find the angels saying again: "haste thee, escape thither; for i cannot do anything till thou come thither," and they escaped to the city of zoar, "and the sun was risen upon the face of the earth when lot entered into zoar." "then the lord rained upon sodom and gomorrah brimstone and fire from the lord out of heaven." but before the end lot's "wife looked back from behind him and she became a pillar of salt." all the information we have of mrs. lot is exceedingly meager; only one short sentence and two little clauses in other sentences; and yet no figure of history, no creation of a poet's dream or artist's brush since the world, wrapped in the laces of the twilight and the mists, and rocked in the cradle of the first early morning of life, until the present day, old in experience, wrinkled with care, heart-sick with too much knowledge and laughing without mirth, stands out more clearly before the world than lot's wife--and why? because it has been supposed that she was very naughty. in this world it is the wicked folks who get the glory and the everlasting fame; the good people get the snubs, the crumbs, the eternal oblivion. the whole history of lot's wife lies in the fact that she was told by the angel of the lord to do one thing, and she--didn't do it. but that is characteristic of the women of old; they systematically didn't do it if they were told to, and systematically did do it if they were told not to. and madam lot "became a pillar of salt," because of her disobedience, and has stood through the centuries a warning statue to naughty females; yes, more than that, for she has seemed a criminal whom just vengeance caught in the very act and turned into a pillar of salt, standing in the plain near sodom, against a background of shame, crime and punishment, that the eyes of the world of women might look upon forever, and be afraid. but in this day and age we are beginning to see that in lot's wife it was a case of mistaken identity, and instead of being a criminal she was a great and good woman, and although the "pillar of salt" commemorates an act of dire disobedience, it also extols a loving heart and a brave act. just imagine her position. she was leaving her home, around which a woman's heart clings as the vine clings to the oak, her children, her friends; breaking the ties that years of association and friendship had woven about her in chains of gold, and leaving them to a terrible fate. but stronger than all these gossamer, yet almost unbreakable threads, was the love she bore her husband; a love so intense, so deep that it made her obey a command of god's against which every instinct, passion and emotion of her nature rebelled. he was going and her daughters were going with him, and womanlike she forsook everything to follow him--the man she loved; the man whose frown could make her heart sore as the wounds of death and agony, and her heaven dark with the clouds of desolation and despair; or whose gentle smile or caressing touch could sweep the mists of doubt and uncertainty from her mind, even as june kisses make june roses blossom, her weary eye glow with the light that love alone can kindle, and clothe rough labor in robes of splendor. softly the dawn awoke, gayly fell the sunlight on the doomed cities, and joyously the breezes swept the plains round about sodom and gomorrah. and lot and his wife and daughters obeyed the command: "escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plains; escape to the mountains lest thou be consumed." and now with frantic haste lot's wife urges them on; she even leads the way in her mad desire for their escape, encouraging them by word, look and action. and while her heart is a battle-ground where a desperate conflict is raging, there is no hint of disobedience or rebellion in her eyes, no lagging in her footstep, no tears for love, no sighs for friendship, no backward glance of compassion toward the wicked but dear city. and now they have come a long way--and suddenly the sunshine grows dark, the wind falls, flutters, dies away; then comes the ominous hush that foretells the bursting storm. and this woman knows that her daughters and her husband, the lover of her youth and the lover of later years, in short the one loved lover of her life, is safe; safe from the tempest of destruction, safe from the wrath of god. a wave of joy floods her heart at the thought. no harm can touch them; she revels in that assurance for a moment--and then she forgets them. the white-capped breakers of disobedience against the cruel command "look not behind thee" sweep with crushing force across her soul; the unjust command that stifles compassion. all the angels and demons, the joys and sorrows of life, urge her to turn back; love of children, friendship of old neighbors, regret for the joys that have fled, remorse for the wicked deeds she has done, the unkind words she has spoken, a blind unreasoning rebellion against the fate that has overtaken her friends and home, fight against god's command. and in that awful moment when the furious winds strike her like angry hands, when fear levels his glittering dagger at her heart, death holds his gleaming sword before her eyes, the heavens disappear, hell sits enthroned in fiery flames upon the clouds; above the deafening roar of the maddened tempest the crashing thunder that made the very dead tremble in the corruption of their graves, and the awful surging of the blazing rain, she heard god's command ringing out "look not behind thee." [illustration: (look not behind thee.)] for an instant she paused to cast an ineffable smile of love upon the cherished ones at her side, and then before the eyes of unborn millions, while all the hosts of heaven and even god himself stood appalled at her daring, she slowly and deliberately turned and looked back; and that one glance showed her a sight that froze her into a beautiful statue of disobedience, love and compassion. she was loving, tender, daring--but disobedient! oh, that we might find one woman in the old testament meek and humble, to whom we could pin a faith, not born of teaching and preaching and general belief, that such a thing as a submissive, obedient, tractable woman or wife ever did exist. another of the women of old. another of the women of old. at the command of his mother, let it be remembered, and not because he had any particular desire to do so himself, jacob left home and departed unto the land of his mother's people, where she told him to seek a wife. the life of many men of the old testament (after they have reached man's estate, i mean) begins with a love affair, and i infer from that, that the bible means to teach the lesson that to love is the first and best business of life, as well as the most entertaining and pleasant thing that this world ever did or ever will have to offer. and jacob reached the land of laban, his mother's brother, and stopped by a well where the flocks were watered. this is the second well which figures conspicuously in a love story of the bible, and we imagine they were the trysting places of the ancient young lovers. while jacob was loitering and gossiping with the young men he found there, "and while he yet spake with them, rachel came with her father's sheep; for she kept them." now "rachel was beauteous and well favored," and of course jacob saw all this at a glance, for a man never yet needed a telescope and a week's time to decide whether a woman possessed the elements which constituted beauty in his mind or not, and so jacob gallantly rolled the stone away from the well and watered the flock of laban, and then, with all the boldness which characterized his future notorious career, he "kissed rachel, and lifted up his voice and wept." as there could hardly be anything but pleasure in kissing a lovely maiden, we naturally infer that jacob was very emotional and was crying for effect, and that rachel, with the consummate tact that all the women of the bible displayed when managing the men, perfectly understood this, and had as little respect for him at the moment as most women have for a tearful man. a man like jacob cries easily, and when he thus "lifted up his voice and wept," it is to be hoped the girl entirely understood him. and jacob's kiss is the first one that love ever pressed upon the lips of a blushing maid--at least it is the first one that is authoritatively recorded. at that time jacob started a fashion that "custom cannot stale," a fashion that while time lasts shall be as cheap as roses, laughter and sunshine, as thrilling as wine, as sweet as innocence and as new as love, a fashion that wealth, time or country cannot monopolize, and one that is as sweet to the beggar, and sweeter too, than to the king. [illustration: (jacob kissed rachel and lifted up his voice and wept.)] at the end of one short month we find him so desperately enamored that he said to laban, rachel's father: "i will serve thee seven years for thy younger daughter;" and the old gentleman, seeing an opportunity to get a hired man cheap, consented. "and jacob served seven years for rachel, and they seemed unto him but a few days for the love he had to her." what a world of devotion that one sentence reveals. as we read that we forget all about the prosaic age in which we live; forget the modern i'll-give-you-a-brown-stone-front-and-diamonds-in-exchange-for-youryouth-and-beauty-love, and believe in the kind that makes a man a god and a woman an angel, and we imagine that an affection so intense and deep that it could make seven weary years of labor "seem but a few days" must be as constant as the flowing tide, as steadfast as the stars--and then after a while we are desperately, despairingly sorry that we have read any further than that verse because we are so sadly disillusioned. [illustration: "and jacob served seven years for rachel."] for a little further on we find that jacob wasn't as shrewd about getting married as he was about breeding cattle that were ring-streaked and grizzled, and so laban, with the cunning of a modern politician, palmed off his daughter leah on jacob as a bride. but the next morning, when he discovered the trick, there were probably matinees, side-shows and circuses in the tent of laban, and finally the upshot of the whole affair was that he agreed to serve seven years more for rachel, and then married her also. far be it from me to disparage jacob's love, but we cannot help but notice that we have no inspired statement saying that the seven years he served for rachel, after he had married her, "seemed but a few days for the love he had to her." but we can't censure him for that, for as we read we discover that in his earnest and constant endeavor to save his precious person he had no time to nurture his love. for the two wives, the two sisters, were madly jealous of each other of course (and we can't blame them either, for there never was a man so great that he could be divided between two wives, several handmaids and more concubines, and be enough of him to go around satisfactorily) and they made his life a howling wilderness. leah, poor thing, longed for her fraudulent husband's love, and he hated her. rachel "envied her sister," and "jacob's anger was kindled against rachel," and altogether the picture of their home is not very enticing, and having gotten thus far we are more than ever convinced that we do not want to follow the example of the "holy women" of old, as peter complimentarily, but ignorantly, calls them. and rachel and leah, in order to spite and humble each other, each gave her maid "to jacob to wife" and strange as it may seem, he accepted them both. it was like him. now about this time leah's son "found mandrakes in the field" and brought them to his mother. we suppose rachel had a sweet tooth from the fact that a little further on we find her offering to sell her husband for one night to leah, for some mandrakes, whatever they were; and we notice that women held their husbands rather cheap in those good old days. you see rachel and leah made jacob a thing of barter and sale and (without consulting his desires) leah consummated the bargain, and she went out toward the field when the harvest was progressing, and met jacob as he came from his work tired and dusty, and informed him he must come with her, "for surely i have hired thee with my son's mandrakes," and he did not resent the insulting idea that he had been "hired," but like all the other distractingly obedient men of the bible--he went. rachel next distinguishes herself as a disobedient daughter and headstrong wife by "stealing her father's gods" without consulting or confiding in her husband, for we read that "jacob knew not that rachel had stolen them." and laban, rachel's father, and jacob had a lively altercation, and they said exceedingly naughty things to each other in loud voices, but at last they came to an agreement, and laban said he would give up his children, grandchildren and cattle, but he was bound to have his "gods" or know the reason why. the entire story is a curious mixture of heathenism and belief in one god. then jacob rose in all the confidence of perfect innocence and told him he might search the whole camp for all he cared, and he added in his outraged dignity, "with whomsoever thou findest thy gods, let him not live." you will observe by that that it was a terrible crime to steal "gods," and as it is the first offense of the kind on record, you can infer what a reckless, ungovernable female rachel must have been to do so dreadful an act. [illustration: (she hoped he would excuse her for not arising.)] well, laban went like a cyclone "unto jacob's tent" (notice what humiliation and disgrace rachel subjected her husband to, and what a scandal it must have raised in the neighborhood), and into leah's tent and into the two maid-servants' tents; but he found them not. then he entered into rachel's tent. now she had hidden the precious little images in the camel's furniture and sat upon them, and she said she didn't feel very well this morning, papa dear, or words to that effect, and she hoped he would excuse her for not arising; and she probably smiled sweetly, put her arm around his neck, and finally did him up completely by kissing him tenderly; and of course, as in those days men never dreamed of asking a woman to do anything she didn't want to do, papa dear did not insist upon her arising, and so missed his sole and only chance of getting his "gods." it was a very serious and perhaps terrible loss to her father, and we can gather no idea from the scripture why she did it unless out of pure spite, or else she wanted to use them as bric-a-brac in the new home to which she was going. in the history of the "beauteous and well-favored" rachel and the "tender-eyed" leah, we find hatred, deadly jealousy, anger, strife, dissensions and envy, but none of the forbearance, self-sacrifice, obedience, meekness and submission that we have been taught that the ladies of the old testament possessed, and we are almost sorry that we didn't take the preacher's "say so" for it, instead of studying the bible diligently and intelligently for ourselves. all naughty, but fair. all naughty, but fair. the next young lady whom the old testament presents for our admiration and edification is dinah, the daughter of jacob and leah, who set the passionate but agonizing style of "loving not wisely, but too well," and brought about one of the shrewdest military stratagems that was ever perpetrated, a terrible massacre, and the slavery of many innocent women and children. several other ladies are mentioned casually and then we come to tamar, whose father-in-law, judah, had broken his solemn promise and defrauded her of her rights. and did she submissively consent to be deprived of her just dues? not at all. she simply disguised herself, and by deception and a thorough knowledge of man's nature, mixed up with a shrewd business tact, completely out-generaled her dear papa-in-law, gained her revenge, and by a sagacious artifice protected herself from the possible consequences of her folly and from future punishment by persuading judah to give her, as a pledge of his good faith, "his signet and bracelets and staff." in short, she was the original pawn-broker of the world; and judah left his treasures "in escrow" until he could redeem them by delivering her a kid in liquidation of his debt. and for many days the sun blazed and faded, the stars sparkled and paled, and the moon rode high in silvery radiance; the winds and birds and flowers blushed and sang and sighed, and in due course of time judah sent a kid to redeem his valuables, but alas! tamar had slipped away and left no trace by which she could be identified, and judah, who had broken his pledge, was left in suspense. but finally the time of retribution came, as come it does and must to every possessor of a pawn ticket. the days, those bright beads on the rosary of time, were counted one by one and shadows began to gather about the fair name of tamar. then the whispers of suspicion grew to pealing thunders of scandal which reached and shocked the good judah, and he rose up in his moral rectitude and righteous indignation at such depravity and cried: "bring her forth and let her be burnt." but my lady, with a woman's wit, had foreseen this possible denouncement and punishment, and prepared for it, and she quietly sent the articles he had left in pawn, and humbled him to the very dust with her message. "discern, i pray thee, whose are these, the signet and bracelets and staff?" and i will add here that there was no fire, because tamar skillfully avoided being the fuel. i do not relate the above to harrow up your feelings, but simply to show you the stuff the women of the old testament were made of. about this time the matchless joseph appears upon the stage of the old testament as the monument of masculine virtue, and lo! the woman in the case enters upon the scene in the shape of potiphar's wife, and plays her part in the comedy or tragedy--as you happen to look at it--in joseph's life. she doesn't come before the public with a burst of melody, a blaze of light and the enticing music of applause, but she enters softly, quietly she "casts her eyes upon joseph" and she sees he is "a goodly person and well favored"--and the mischief is done. she lavished her wealth in all the follies, fashions and pleasures of her time to attract him; she met him in the hall, gave him roses in the garden, smiled at him from the doorway. when she slept she dreamed sweet dreams of kisses and soft hand-clasps. when she lifted her gaze to the stars, 'twas his eyes she saw there. when she walked by the river's side, the rippling waters were no sweeter than his voice. when the summer wind, perfume-laden, fanned her face she fancied 'twas his warm breath on her cheek. then she forgot husband and duty, heaven and hell, and she listened for his footsteps, lingered for his coming, watched and waited for his smile--and all in vain. and joseph, who loved this woman with an incomparable love; this woman who from the eminence of her wealth, rank and beauty, in the utter abandonment of her passion cast herself at his feet, joseph was man enough to bend and sway and falter before her temptations, but for friendship's sake, for honor's sake, for the sake of her he loved, divine enough to resist them. out from among the seductive fables and shocking facts of history joseph stands forth a shining example as the first man, and perhaps the last, who loved a woman so well that he refused her outstretched arms, declined the kisses from her lips, rejected the reckless invitation in her eyes, and saved her from himself. who loved with a passion so tender and deep that, unlike all other men, he refused to make her he loved a victim on the altar of his passions, but would have enshrined her there a goddess, "pure as ice and chaste as snow." men have always sacrificed women "who loved not wisely, but too well" upon the altar of their own selfishness, but joseph saved her and taught the world what true love is. the facts of history stab our faith in man's love, woman's constancy, friendship, honor and truth, but joseph's peerless example revives it, and we feel that there are characters that are incorruptible, honesty that is unassailable, virtue that is impregnable and friendship that is undying. he shines out from among the other characters of the old testament as distinctly and clearly as a star breaking through the sullen clouds of heaven, as a lily blowing and floating above the green scum and sluggish waters, as a rose blooming in a wilderness. thank the lord for joseph! but potiphar's wife, womanlike, scorned a love that would make her an angel instead of a victim, and by a succession of plausible, neat little lies, gained her husband's ear, had joseph cast into prison, and teaches us that, indeed, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." but what we wanted to say was, that she was a faithless wife, a reckless lover, a revengeful and unforgiving woman, since joseph was left to languish in captivity for two long years, without any effort on her part, as far as we can learn or infer, to accomplish his release. at this period in the history of the jews a new king arose in egypt, and fearing the great number of the jews, he "set over them task-masters, to afflict them with their burdens;" "but the more they afflicted them the more they multiplied and grew." then the king, in the usual arrogance of power, ignorantly supposing that women were obedient and never dreaming they would dare to disregard the commands of royalty, spoke to the hebrew midwives, and in the easy, off-hand manner that kings had in those days, told them to kill all the boy babies that came to the jews, but to save the girl babies alive. and did they do it? not at all! they simply looked at each other, laughed at the king, and utterly ignored his commands, and then when majesty in dread power called them to account, with a shrewdness characteristic of the females of the old testament they invented a plausible excuse, baffled the king, shielded the jews and saved themselves. story of some women and a baby. story of some women and a baby. so the king was balked by the hebrew midwives and the jews continued to "increase abundantly and multiplied, and waxed exceeding mighty; and the land was filled with them." and the king, fearing the multitude of the jews, again pitted himself against the fecundity and rebellion of the women, and issued the cruel but famous command: "and pharaoh charged all the people, saying, every son that is born ye shall cast into the river, and every daughter ye shall save alive." and shortly after that, one night when all the egyptians slept, and only the stars, the moon and the winds were awake, in the silence and the silvery gloom, a baby boy came to a daughter of levi, and "when she saw him that he was a goodly child" she quietly determined that no murderous hand should ever toss him in the rolling river, or check the breath on his sweet lips; "and she hid him three months." i don't know how she did it, but perhaps when he was crying with all a baby's vigor for his supper the embryo diplomat in his heart shrewdly caught the meaning in his mother's warning "hush, sh!" and, king and tyrant tho' he was, he knew "that there was a greater than he," and stilled his cries. perhaps when the colic gripped his vitals he bore the pain in unflinching silence, if he heard an egyptian footstep near the door. perhaps he stopped his gooing and cooing in his hidden nest, and held his very breath in fear, when he heard an egyptian voice in the house. and all these three months he had been growing plump, and strong and healthy, and i suppose he became a little reckless, or perchance he began to think he knew more than his mother did about it, and wouldn't keep still. anyway, whatever was the matter i don't know, but there came a day when "she could no longer hide him," and then she laid a plot to baffle the king, defeat death and save the child. being an ambitious woman as well as a loving mother, she was not content that he should be as other children, forced "to serve with rigor" and his life made "bitter with hard bondage in mortar and brick and in all manner of service of the field." i presume she thought he was a little more beautiful and more clever than any child that ever lived before, for we all do that when a baby comes without an invitation and often against our most urgent wishes, and nestling in our arms says, without uttering a word: "i've come to stay and i want my supper; i'm hungry, for the journey has been long and dark--and why don't you make haste?" perhaps she had caught the fire of the future statesman in his dark eye; perhaps she had heard the ring of sublimity in the melodious voice that afterward said "honor thy father and thy mother." perhaps she had seen the shrewdness of the future great diplomat in his maneuvers to have his baby way, and being a bright woman she set her wits to work to defy the king, defeat his law and elude the cruel vigilance of the egyptian spies; and she conceived a plot which for boldness of thought and shrewdness of execution stands unsurpassed. she would not save him to live the toilsome, slavish life of the jews. she sighed for all the advantages of the egyptians. she lifted her ambitious eyes to the royal household itself, and in spite of the accident of birth, in spite of king and law and hatred, in spite of the fatal fact that he was a dark-eyed, dark-haired jew, she vowed he should mingle with royal nabobs, laugh and thrive and prosper under the very eye of his enemy the king, be clothed in purple and fine linen, skilled in all the arts and learned in all the sciences of the egyptians; and she was clever enough to see at a glance that in this almost hopeless scheme she must have accomplices. and where did she turn for aid? to her husband, as a meek, submissive and obedient woman naturally would? not at all. perhaps she doubted the intelligence of his assistance. perhaps she had no faith in his courage for the undertaking. perhaps she did not believe he could keep a secret; at any rate she refused to confide in him. i suppose, as no mention is made of it, she utterly ignored him, scorned to ask his advice, and planned to dispose of his child without telling him of it, much less asking his permission. but where did she turn for aid? did she clothe herself in the gayest costume of the jews, and, conscious of her beauty, try with smiles and coquetry and caressing touch to beguile the king? no. did she steal into the tent of his greatest general and kneeling at his feet seek to bribe him with her love? no. she simply and utterly ignored the men, and selected the king's own daughter as the instrument to execute her design. she knew the royal girl came down to the river to bathe, and trusting in her baby's great gift of unrivaled beauty and the woman's compassion, she planned a dramatic surprise for her. "and when she could not longer hide him, she took him an ark of bulrushes, and daubed it with slime and pitch and put the child therein. and she laid it among the flags by the river's brink." but before she put him in it she bathed him in perfumed water to make him sweet, put on his prettiest dress, tied up his short sleeves with something that just matched the color in his cheeks, and borrowed a golden chain of an egyptian woman to clasp about his milk-white neck. then she lined the ark with roses, laid a little pillow in the bottom, put the baby softly in, partly closed the top to shield him from too much light and air, and laid it among the flags by the river's brink; and then the cleverness that had designed the scheme and the bravery that had executed it so far, was overwhelmed by a mother's love and she fled, and hid herself among the foliage and the reeds, too frightened to watch the result; "but his sister stood afar off to wit what would be done to him." and the baby had a nice time while he waited, for the wind with noiseless feet and invisible hands came and softly rocked the cradle to and fro; the sunbeams sent a bright ray and put golden bracelets on his wrists, which with the true instinct of human nature he tried to catch and hold, and the birds coming down to wash in the rippling waters peeped into the cradle, and, enraptured with the pretty sight, forgot to bathe, but stopped to sing. and the king's daughter and her maidens came laughing and singing down to the river's brink to bathe, as was their custom--a custom which baby's mother knew about and took advantage of. [illustration: "put up his hands in welcome and said 'ah, goo! ah, goo!'"] and the girls spied the basket and wondered what it was, and finally the royal damsel "sent her maid to fetch it." and pharaoh's daughter opened it and "she saw the child," and the girls crowded around and gazed in silent admiration. then the baby, who never before had seen the purple and fine linen of majesty or the sparkling jewels of wealth, knowing this was the opportunity of his life put up his hands in welcome and said in the universal language of babyhood, "ah, goo! ah, goo!" he was a worthy child of a great mother, and the minute he was left to himself he came before the footlights and with one word captivated his audience, and a storm of kisses fell upon his lips and neck and arms. and when the girls ceased lest they should kiss him to death, he looked at them a minute, and then he opened his mouth and laughed a little soft, gurgling laugh; a laugh so sweet that i'm sure even the terrible god of the jews must have smiled had he heard it. he didn't laugh because he felt particularly funny, but because the little diplomat, bent on conquest, wanted to show a tiny tooth that came into his mouth one day, he didn't know how. he had never seen it himself, but he knew it was there and was a treasure, for one time in the dead of the night when all his dread enemies, the egyptians, were fast asleep, and the wind howled and the rain beat upon the roof, his mother brought his father to his hiding place and holding the light high up above his head, she touched him lightly under the chin and said: "laugh, now, and show papa baby's tooth." then he did as he was told and his father looked long and carefully and then laughed too, kissed him and went away. when the girls saw it they all smiled and kissed him too. about this time he wanted his mother and "the babe wept." when the king's daughter saw his red lips quivering and the tears hanging on his long, curling lashes, love and compassion filled her heart, and thinking of her father's wicked command: "every son that is born ye shall cast into the river," she said, sadly, "this is one of the hebrews' children." then his sister--i suppose it was the same one who had "stood afar off to wit what would be done to him" and who had approached--said, "shall i go and call to thee a nurse of the hebrew women, that she may nurse the child for thee?" "and pharaoh's daughter said to her, 'go.' and the maid went and called the child's mother." "and pharaoh's daughter said unto her, 'take this child away and nurse it for me and i will give thee thy wages.' and the woman took the child and nursed it." wasn't that the sublimest conquering of ambition and crime by love ever known? [illustration: (and every kiss strengthened her determination.)] i suppose the king's daughter went every day to see the little black-eyed beauty and kiss his rosy lips, his soft white neck, his dimpled arms; and every kiss strengthened her determination to defy the king, her father and the law, and save this baby for her own. i don't know how she managed it, but somehow she overcame all obstacles, and they were many and great there is no doubt, and "he became her son," and the future lawgiver of the jews, and the world was saved. and so after all we owe the ten commandments to a jewish woman's wit, strategy and love, and an egyptian woman's compassion and disobedience, for the stern command that "every son that is born ye shall cast into the river" was not given to the army, the navy or the church, to one man or woman, to doctors or midwives, but to "all the people," and in this affair there were a number of women, who all connived to foil the "powers that be" and refused to do the king's bidding. first there was the mother of moses and the sister, the king's daughter, her maid and "her maidens" who came down to the river's brink with her, at least two of them and perhaps twenty. i fail to find in their example any of the vaunted submission, obedience and docility we have been taught by those who did not read their bible intelligently, or took some other person's "say-so" for it, and which are the vaunted characteristics of all these women. they just simply scorned all the men and the laws whenever they did not suit their ideas of right and justice, and proceeded to have their own way in spite of everything. another of "the mistakes of moses." another of "the mistakes of moses." "and it came to pass in those days, when moses was grown, that he went out unto his brethren and looked on their burdens, and he spied an egyptian smiting an hebrew, one of his brethren. "and he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no man, he slew the egyptian, and hid him in the sand." yet we are told a little farther on "now the man moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." but we haven't anything to do with his meekness, and only mention the murder because thereby hangs the tale of moses' first love affair. "murder will out," and so in due course of time the king heard about it and "sought to slay moses." "but moses fled from the face of pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of midian, and he sat down by a well." now when we read about the young men of the bible hanging around a "well" we know what is going to happen. there is romance in the air and a love affair soon develops, for that seems to have been love's trysting place. and i suppose he neglected no artifice of the toilet that might enchance his personal charms, that he donned the most costly and elegant of his egyptian costumes, flung himself in courtly indolence upon the sand, and waited and watched eagerly for the rich girls to come down to the well to water their father's flocks, just as one watches in the twilight for the first star to sparkle in the azure overhead, for the first sunbeam of the morning or the first rose of june. "now the priest of midian had seven daughters, and they came and drew water and filled the troughs to water their father's flock. and the shepherds came and drove them away, but moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flock." and who can blame moses if he happened to wear his best raiment? everything and everybody knows, and always has known, that love loves the beautiful; and each one according to his light takes advantage of the fact. so the wild maiden, when love with magic finger touches her quivering heart, stains her teeth a blacker black, hangs more beads and shells about her dirty neck and ankles, and practices all her rude arts of coquetry. and her savage lover, charmed with her charms, sticks the gayest feathers in his hair, rubs a more liberal supply of grease upon his polished, shiny skin, and makes himself brave with all his weapons of war. so the birds only seek love's trysting place in the springtime when their plumage is the most brilliant and their songs the sweetest, and the fishes when their colors are the brightest. and the woman of our day and generation, when love's arrow "tipped with a jewel and shot from a golden string" pierces her vital organ, wears her dress a little more dã©colletã©, bangs her hair more bangy, clasps more diamonds round her throat, dispenses with sleeves altogether, smiles her sweetest smile and laughs her gayest laugh. and he, the modern man, caught in the snare, buys the shiniest stovepipe hat and nobbiest cane, dons his gaudiest neck-tie and widest trousers--and after all, beasts and birds and fishes, savage and civilized, we are all alike and ruled by the same instinct and passion, and "why should the spirit of mortal be proud?" i presume zipporah, one of the priest's daughters, had heard about the elegant and courtly egyptian who was in the neighborhood, and she no doubt adorned herself with all her jewels, wore the finest finery in her wardrobe and wreathed her lips in smiles; for she knew that love lives and thrives on smiles and roses, coquetry and gallantry, on laughter and sweet glances, and faints and dies on frowns, neglect and angry words; and so she tripped down to the well, bent on conquest. then she flung back the drapery to show her dimpled arms, and drawing water filled the trough; then the "shepherds came and drove them away; but moses stood up and helped them, and watered their flocks." was he not gallant, and a striking contrast to the ugly shepherds? and of course moses told her that it almost broke his heart to see her performing such menial labor, and all such sweet fictitious stuff, and she glanced at him admiringly from under her long, curling lashes, and the "rebel rose hue dyed her cheek," and he told her about the great court where he had been reared, and she whispered that her papa was the rich priest of midian; then they clasped hands lingeringly and said a soft good-night. it seems the old gentleman kept a pretty close watch on his girls--and he doubtless had a steady job--for he asked them how it happened that they had returned so soon. and zipporah put her arms around his neck, and placing her cheek against his told him all about the gallant and courteous stranger. having an eye to business--as behooves a father with seven daughters on his hands--he didn't let this eligible young person slip, but sent and invited him to his house and deluged him with hospitality and kindness--and moses and zipporah were married "and moses was content to dwell with the man." [illustration: (they clasped hands lingeringly and said a soft good night.)] but after a while, first soft and low and then in trumpet tones, ambition whispered in his ear that he could deliver the hebrews from their enemies. "and moses took his wife and sons and set them upon an ass, and he returned to the land of egypt." and i suppose, though time was young and wore roses then, the days passed slowly to zipporah and she grew tired of moses and the lord, tired of the rod that turned into a serpent, of the strife and the bondage and the river of blood; tired of the frogs and the lice and the swarms of flies; disgusted with the murrain of beasts and the boils and terrified at the thunder and fire and rain of hail and all the horrors of egypt, and like the woman of to-day, when things get too awfully unpleasant, she made it uncomfortable for moses, and "he sent her back" to her father's house and she took her two sons with her. afterward when moses became famous and illustrious she returned to him without asking his consent, or even notifying him of her intention, as far as we can learn from the official records. she took her father, the priest jethro, along to look after her and take care of her baggage i suppose, and we imagine he didn't relish the task much, for we hear him saying, rather apologetically we think, "i, thy father-in-law jethro, am come unto thee, and thy wife, and her two sons with her." i fancy moses knew the condition of a man who was in the clutches of a woman, and that woman his wife, so he forgave the old man, for he had experience himself, "and went out to meet his father-in-law, and did obeisance, and kissed him; and they asked each other of their welfare." but there isn't any record that he kissed his wife, or even shook hands with her, and we infer that their domestic heaven was not all blue and cloudless. miriam, although a prophetess and a sister of aaron, was't very angelic, at least the glimpses we catch of her don't impress us with the fact that she was. when the seashore was strewn with the dead, white faces of the drowned egyptians, and the waves were flecked with their pallor and dashed their helpless arms about, miriam "took a timbrel in her hand: and all the woman went out after her with timbrels and with dances." and miriam answered them, "sing ye to the lord, for he hath triumphed gloriously: the horse and his rider hath he thrown into the sea." [illustration: (alas, my lord, i beseech thee.)] now this may have been natural and all right for the times, only you know it don't look well when compared with the action of our women of to-day, who drop tears and roses on the graves of their enemies. further on we find miriam, womanlike, talking about moses because he had married an ethiopian woman, and saying seditiously to aaron, "hath the lord indeed spoken only by moses? hath he not spoken also by us?" and the lord heard it and his anger "was kindled against them," and my lady "became leprous, white as snow." as she was the one punished for daring to talk rebellion against moses, god's chosen one, we suppose she was the ringleader and instigator, and aaron was only the tool in this plot that budded but never bloomed. "and aaron looked upon miriam, and behold, she was leprous," and of course she threw her arms around his neck and with streaming eyes besought his aid, and aaron turned the smoothly flowing river of his eloquence into resistless words of appeal and said unto moses, while miriam knelt at his feet: "alas, my lord, i beseech thee, lay not the sin upon us," and "let her not be as one dead;" and moses, moved, as men have always been moved, by woman's tears, "cried unto the lord, saying, heal her now, o, god i beseech thee," and after seven days the curse was removed. some managing women. some managing women. the women of the old testament always wanted something, and it is a noticeable fact that they always asked for it--and got it too. so the daughters of zelophehad had a grievance, and they didn't go among the neighbors bewailing their hard lot, they didn't sit and wish from morning till night that something would turn up to help them, or sigh their lives away in secret, but they put on their most radiant attire and jauntiest veils and "stood before moses, and before eleazar the priest, and before the princes and all the congregation," and demanded their father's possessions, and even argued the question reasonably and logically. there was not any of the st. paul-women-should-not-speak-in-meeting doctrine about the biblical women of those elder days. they didn't endeavor to persuade moses' wife to influence her husband to use his power in their behalf. they did not retain the services of aaron, the finest orator of the day, to plead their cause, but they did their own talking, and they got what they asked for--their father's possessions--and husbands thrown in without extra charge. being clever as well as ambitious women, they probably foresaw that husbands would follow after the inheritance, and although they would not ask for lords and masters of course, they had their eyes on them just the same. as there were several of them, all unmarried, they were no doubt _not_ "fair to look upon," so they laid a little plot to secure husbands. and they succeeded and were happy, for marriage was the aim and end of a woman's existence then, and there was a better market and more of a demand for husbands than in these modern days. we only catch a glimpse of one woman named achsah, but that is enough to show us that she possessed the prevailing and prominent characteristic of all the other "holy women."--she wanted something. after she had married her warrior lover, who conquered kirpathsepher for her sweet sake, the very first thing we find is that "she moved him to ask of her father a field." now naturally a young man would dislike to approach his father-in-law upon such a delicate subject, and so soon too, but _she_ asked him and he obeyed--like all the men of the old testament. and even then she was not satisfied; but of course she embraced her father and kissed him, and told him he was the most indulgent father in the whole wide world. now caleb no doubt had had dozens of love affairs, and experience had made him a connoisseur of female character, and understanding all their little scheming ways and little designing tricks, without beating around the bush at all he came to business at once and asked, "what would'st thou?" [illustration: (what would'st thou?)] "give me a blessing; for thou hast given me a south land, give me also springs of water," she said. springs of water were a bonanza in those days--something like a gold or silver mine to us moderns--but she had requested it and of course he could not refuse, "and he gave her the upper springs and the nether springs." and it came to pass that joshua sent two men, two spies, saying, "go view the land, even jericho," and i suppose they disguised themselves and went by secret ways; anyway they eluded the vigilance of their enemies and entered the city, even jericho, and let me whisper it in your ear, they went to see a woman named rahab--and she wasn't a very nice woman either--and "lodged there." but their visit leaked out, as such things always do and always will, though the stars should pale their fires to shield them, the moon withdraw behind the clouds to hide their shadows, the rain pour and the thunder crash to drown their footsteps. perhaps the children told the neighbors, perhaps the hired girl whispered to her friend, perhaps some jealous watching lover told of it, but at any rate we read: "and it was told to the king of jericho, saying: behold there came two men in hither to-night of the children of israel, to search out the country." "and the king of jericho sent unto rahab, saying: bring forth the men that are come to thee, which are entered into thy house: for they be come to search all the country." now does one suppose for a moment that she obeyed the mandate of the king? of course not, if one is a student of the bible, but if one is not, i'll just say that she took them up through the skylight and hid them, piling flax over them, and then she said innocently and convincingly to the king's officers: "there came two men unto me, but i wist not whence they were: and it came to pass about the time of shutting of the gate, when it was dark, that the men went out: pursue after them quickly; for ye shall overtake them." then she went up on the roof and talked to the men like a lawyer. i notice that these old women--i mean women of old--were all good talkers, and they didn't speak like meek, passive, submissive girls wrought up to sudden action by wrong, indignation or revenge, but they spoke with a freedom, vigor and fluency that betokened everyday practice. st. paul says that woman should "keep silence," and that "they are commanded to be under obedience," but he evidently had some remarkable ideas upon this and other topics. perhaps he never had read the official records, and we know he was never married, and so we don't censure him so much for his ignorance of female character, having never had a wife, or, so far as we know, a love affair, for what does a man born blind know about the sunshine, or the lightning's awful flash, or one born deaf know of the pealing, clashing thunder? the women of his day were no doubt obstreperous and extravagant, and hence his famous but perfectly ineffectual teaching that they should not "broider their hair, or wear gold or silver or costly array," and that they shouldn't talk in meeting, and if they wanted to know anything, ask their husbands, and drink of their intellectual superiority. but to return. so rahab made the spies swear that when the doom of destruction fell upon jericho, she and her father and mother and all her relations-in-law should be saved, and then she let them down from the window of her house, which was very conveniently built upon the town wall, with a scarlet rope. so you see, by deceit, strategy, disobedience and a succession of neat little lies, she thwarted the king, betrayed the city, and saved her own precious self all at one fell swoop. [illustration: (she let them down from the window of her house.)] when the walls of jericho fell and childhood in its innocence, ambitious manhood, fiery youth, despairing maidens and loving mothers, were swept by maddening flames and glittering swords into the oblivion called death, from whose silent gloom no smile or tear, no laughter or wail, ever yet has come, then rahab and all that she had was saved. she had asked it, and schemed for it, and of course she did not fail. next we come to deborah, a prophetess, who judged israel at that time, and from the little that is said of her husband, we infer she was the head of the house and ruled him besides attending to her professional duties. well, deborah sent for barak and commanded him to meet "sisera, the captain of jabin's army," in battle array. but he was afraid, and to inspire him by her courageous example she went with him to the field of battle, and every man of jabin's host "fell upon the edge of the sword; and there was not a man left." but sisera "fled away on his feet" to jael, the wife of his friend. sisera, like another defeated general, had lost his horse. and she went out to meet him, and gained his entire confidence by smiles and deception, and took him into her tent and gave him milk to drink, covered him with a mantle, and said in her sweetest tones, "fear not." then when he slept the sleep of perfect exhaustion, defeat and despair, she "took a nail of the tent, and a hammer in her hand," and softly, with bated breath and step that often paused and ear that bent to listen, she approached him, and then--quicker than the lightning's flash or tiger's spring "she smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: and he was fast asleep and weary. so he died." nice way for a woman to treat her husband's friend, wasn't it? [illustration: (she smote the nail into his temples.)] abimelech killed seventy of his brothers to become king, and after wars and battles too numerous to mention he came to "thebez, and encamped against thebez, and took it." but there was a strong and mighty tower in the city and a thousand men and women, stained with blood, expecting no mercy, but defiant to the last, fled there for a few hours of safety. "and abimelech came unto the tower and fought against it, and went hard unto the door of the tower to burn it with fire." and all the men stood aghast, helpless and despairing, waiting a terrible death. then a woman with a vision of blood and moans, dying men and ravished women before her, with a courage born of desperation and a wit sharpened with intense fear, boldly stepped to the window ledge, and in the glare of bursting flames and the sound of dying groans "cast a piece of a millstone upon abimelech's head, and all to break his skull." "then he called hastily unto the young man his armour-bearer, and said unto him, draw thy sword, and slay me, that men say not of me, a woman slew me. and his young man thrust him through, and he died," as a man naturally would who had been hit on the head with a millstone and pierced through with a sword; and every one in the tower was saved. i'm not telling you this to harrow up your feelings, but just to show you that the holy women of old were not such nonentities as some of us have supposed. [illustration: (cast a piece of a millstone upon abimelech's head.)] and time, undelayed by the roses of june or the snows of winter, by sunshine or starshine, by laughter or sighs, by birth or death, hurried on and the jews fought and triumphed, bled and died "and did evil, and the lord delivered them into the hands of the philistines." and after a while samson was born, and what do you suppose he did just as soon as he became a man? why he went down to timnath and fell deeply, desperately, madly, in love with a philistine girl, and he went straight home and told his father and mother about it and they did not approve of it--they never do, it seems--but he was determined to have her, for there was not another female for him in the whole wide world--they all think that for the time being--and of course he married her. then he made a seven-day feast, and unfortunately he amused the company with a riddle. of course his wife was dying to know the answer, and her people threatened her if she did not find it out, and altogether it was a lively discussion, and she made his life a burden and a delusion and she wept before him and said: "thou dost but hate me and lovest me not; thou hast put forth a riddle unto the children of my people and hast not told it to me." and samson declared he hadn't told it to his father or mother or any living soul and swore he would not tell _her_--but he did. for "she wept before him the seven days while the feast lasted," and on the seventh day, exhausted by her upbraidings, deluged by her tears and wearied by her everlasting persistence, he whispered it in her ear, and she told the children of her people. it is safe to conclude that samson was angry, and the wedding feast broke up in confusion and dismay, and he went and killed thirty people, and the woman who had "pleased him well" he repudiated with such dispatch that it suggests idaho and the modern man, and "samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as a friend." the views we get of married life and the domestic relations in the old testament make us almost think that marriage was a failure--in those days. [illustration: (and she betrayed him.)] then samson, after a little affair which i do not care to dwell upon with a woman of gaza, who was no better than she should have been, fell blindly in love with delilah. and, being in love, he profited not by his late experience (what man or woman ever does who is in love?) and again he told the dearest secret of his heart to a woman, because, forsooth, "she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death." and then with her fine arms around his neck and her kisses on his lips, he fell asleep on her knees--and she betrayed him. another group of them. another group of them. the great array of the philistines "came and pitched in shunem, and saul gathered all israel together, and they pitched in gilboa," and unseen by any of the mighty hosts death and rapine, treachery, revenge and murder, smilingly waited for the desperate battle. then saul, gazing upon the great army of his enemies and terrified at the countless thousands, thought he would like to have his fortune told and said, "seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit," and they took him to the witch of endor, and saul prayed her to materialize samuel for his especial benefit. and did she do it? not at all, or at least not until she had made her own conditions. "and saul sware to her by the lord, saying: as the lord liveth, there shall no punishment happen to you for this thing." and then having brought the king to terms, by cunning hocus-pocus she summoned samuel from the cold, cold grave. first there was a hush, then a sweeping in of chill, damp air, a scent of decay, the shaking out of a shroud that never rustled, a rush of silent footsteps, and suddenly the door untouched swung noiselessly open and samuel, with the old regal air, but with the savor of death clothing him like a mantle, and the mildew of death on his brow, stood before them. you will observe he was far too courteous a ghost to censure a woman--who really was the one who deserved it, since she had wrought the mischief--but said sternly to saul: "why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up?" the inference is that after all his triumphs and defeats, his loves and illusions, his glory and fall, he was taking the sweet and silent rest of utter oblivion, and very naturally he did not like to be disturbed, and so he told saul some things that very nearly scared the lingering hope out of him, and almost reduced him to a condition where he himself was a fit candidate for a companionship with samuel. then suddenly the air grew warmer and fresher, the birds began to twitter in the first faint flush of the morning, and looking around one could not see samuel any more. then the witch of endor wanted saul to take some refreshment, "but he refused and said, i will not eat." but the woman did not pay any attention to his refusal, but killed a calf and cooked it, and made some biscuits "and she brought it before saul, and before his servants, and they did eat" of course, since she smilingly invited them to. we suppose saul's wife--at least one of them--was a lady who carried things with a high hand, ruled the servants, nagged her husband, delivered curtain lectures by the hour, scolded him to sleep and then scolded him awake again. "and whipped the children, and fed the fowls, and made his home resound with howls;" since we hear him saying to his son jonathan, "thou son of the perverse, rebellious woman." and behold saul and david were the firmest friends, and every act of david's pleased saul, and every smile delighted him, and saul honored, trusted and advanced him, until the women came to have a hand in the affair and then all was changed. it seems that no one had noticed, or dared to give voice to the thought, that david was becoming a dangerous rival of the great king, until the women, with keen penetration, looking upon the handsome david, saw there was a greater one than saul. and so one day when david returned from a great slaughter of the philistines, the girls came and danced and sung and waved their white hands and smiled, and despite the probable indignation of the king at the open preference and approval of the young man, they played and said, "saul hath slain his thousands, and david his ten thousands." and saul was jealous and "very wroth" and--well, that ended that friendship, and it wasn't the last time that women's smiles and honeyed words of praise have blighted the friendship between men "whose souls were knit together." and there was a woman whose name was bath-sheba, and she was very beautiful. her midnight hair curled softly away from her snowy brow, her long black lashes hiding her love-lit eyes swept her rosy cheeks, and her light step dashed the dew from the grass in the garden, while the blossoms fell from the boughs to kiss her shoulders as she passed. and one eventide, david, walking upon the roof of his palace, saw her bathing. and the last red rays of the sinking sun touched her softly and changed her into a perfect statue of warm pink marble, and david's soul was ravished by her beauty; and with the impetuosity of a king and the reckless passion of a lover he sought to beguile her. and bath-sheba, flattered by the preference of the mighty king, allured by imperial grandeur and enticed by royal appeals, tried to forget the husband, who was off to the wars and away, and who had in the first flush of youth won her by his love, his "brow of truth" and a soul untouched by sin--but the king--the king, the pomp and the power! ambition was roused in her heart and she wanted to be clothed in the purple and fine linen of majesty, and to wear a jeweled crown upon her brow. and so she forgot a husband's love, a wife's honor, a woman's virtue, and while angels wept and devils laughed, the memory of uriah vanished from her mind as a star vanishes before the fire-bursting storm-cloud. then black-browed conspiracy and red-handed murder, the boon companions of unholy love, whispered in their ears; and though a vision of uriah often rose unbidden and unwelcome before her, it was dimmed and obscured by the glitter of jewels and the gleam of costly array, that should yet flash upon her arms and throat and clothe her limbs. so david sent for uriah (we presume with the consent, perhaps at the instigation of bath-sheba, for there is no wickedness like the wickedness of an ambitious, faithless wife), honored and feasted him, and the favored young man, happily unconscious of his wife's treachery, perhaps dreaming bright waking dreams of the wealth, fame and power he would win to lay at bath-sheba's feet, felt himself honored by being made a special envoy to carry a letter from the king to his greatest general, joab--and in it the king wrote: "set ye uriah in the fore-front of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten and die;" and joab "assigned uriah unto a place where he knew the valiant men were," and he was smitten and died. and david and bath-sheba were married, but surely, as they stood by the cradle of the little boy who died, the cold hands of the valiant, betrayed uriah must often have pushed them asunder, and a dark shadow born of their guilty hearts must have passed between them and the child. perhaps when the feast was the gayest a battle field rose before them, and when the music was the loudest and the sweetest, thrilling through it, they heard a dying moan. when joab wanted to reconcile david to absalom, he wished a mediator with wit, tact and delicacy; with the eloquence of an orator and the subtle flattery of a decius brutus, and whom did he choose? a man? no: he sent for "a wise woman," and we read that he instructed her what to do, but judging from other women we are sure she instructed him--anyway she went to the king, and she talked like a lawyer, she plead with eloquence, she confessed charmingly, and she flattered with the cunning of her sex, saying, "for as an angel of god, so is my lord the king to discern good and bad," and "my lord is wise, according to the wisdom of an angel of god," which you will admit was putting it pretty strong. but then, men who didn't work for their living in those days were used to strong language--of praise. perhaps it is superfluous for me to add that the "wise woman" accomplished her mission. we are told in poetic language that david "was ruddy, and withal of a beautiful countenance, and goodly to look to," and perhaps that was the chief reason (although women always adored a man of valor, intelligence and strength) that "michal, saul's daughter, loved david," and thus gave him the proud distinction of being the first man who was ever loved by a woman--at least the first one we have any authentic, official record of. once upon a time david had prepared to wipe nabal, who was a very rich man, and his followers, from the very face of the earth, because a young man "told abigail, nabal's wife, saying, behold, david sent messengers out of the wilderness, to salute our master, and he railed on them." nabal was a churlish miser and little to be trusted, and it seems abigail, who "was a woman of good understanding and of a beautiful countenance," had heard nothing of this little affair, but she was equal to the emergency and she at once prepared many presents of wine, and figs, and raisins and other good things, and made haste to go out and meet david, and if possible avert the impending calamity. "and she said unto her servants, go on before me; behold i come after you. but she told not her husband," which shows conclusively that although he was "churlish and evil in his doings" she was not under his dominion to any great extent, or afraid of his anger, for she took things in her own hands and ran the government to suit herself, for the time being at least. so she met david, made a telling speech, pleaded eloquently, flattered skillfully, and david, who never could withstand the beauty and oratory of another man's wife, granted her every request, as he himself confessed and said (i notice david always got particularly pious when he was going to do or had done anything particularly mean) to abigail: "blessed be the lord god of israel which sent thee this day to meet me: and blessed be thy advice." i don't know what kind of a bargain they had made, but it sounds a little queer to hear him saying to her, "go up in peace to thine house; see, i have hearkened to thy voice and have accepted thy person." abigail returned home and found her husband had been having a gay time while she was away, and "his heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken," so she waited till the morning "when the wine had gone out of nabal," as it is quaintly put, and then she "told him these things," but as there was nothing but good news in "these things" she must have told him something else that is not recorded, for "his heart died within him, and he became as stone." now, i wouldn't cast a suspicion on abigail for any consideration, but it does seem a little strange that ten days after her memorable meeting with the handsome and musical david, "the lord smote nabal that he died." "and david sent and communed with abigail, to take her to him to wife." i simply mention this little romance to prove that there was no evidence of obedience in abigail's conjugal relations. the famous widow of moab. the famous widow of moab. and naomi, weary of the land of moab, in the shadows of whose mountains, guarded by the angel of eternal sleep, lay the graves of her husband and sons, longed in her loneliness for the friends and associations of her youth. her heart turned back to the old house at home, where there is always more sunshine and starshine, softer breezes and sweeter bird-songs, more silvery streams and fragrant flowers, than in any other clime, and she was about to take her departure for the "land of judah." now it seems that naomi was a very loveable elderly lady, since her daughter-in-law seemed to like her very much, though i haven't the slightest idea that ruth was really so madly in love with her as we have been taught to believe. it appears that back in the "land of judah," naomi had a kinsman of her husband's, "a mighty man of wealth of the family of elimelech; and his name was boaz." you know it is true that when we go to live in a strange country, we tell our new acquaintances, incidentally and casually, perhaps, but we tell them just the same, about our wealthy and famous relatives, while the names of those who were hanged because they may have loved horse flesh "not wisely but too well," were arrested for gambling, eloped with some other woman's husband, or made garden on shares for the neighbors, are kept locked in our hearts as too sacred to mention to curious ears. of course naomi was no exception, and so ruth had often listened, spellbound, to naomi's description of this "mighty man of wealth;" of his fields undulating in golden waves, far and near; of the springs that gushed and sparkled and flowed down the hillsides; of the shining streams idly wandering in his verdant valleys, whose blue waves rose to caress the flowers on the bank that dipped to be kissed; of his costly array, his men servants and maid servants and all the show and grandeur that was his. so ruth went down to the river one day and gazed at her own reflection in the liquid depths, took an honest inventory of her charms, and the pride and confidence of the embryo conqueror thrilled her veins, the rose hue of triumph dyed her dark cheek, and knowing that boaz was, according to the law of the jews, her future husband--if she could please him--she went back and said to naomi with the inherent eloquence of a brilliant widow bent on conquest: "entreat me not to leave thee, or return from following after thee; for whither thou goest, i will go; and where thou lodgest, i will lodge; thy people shall be my people, and thy god my god: "where thou diest, will i die, and there will i be buried. the lord do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me." and naomi, the dear old lady, was very much flattered and had perfect confidence in her daughter-in-law's professions, and so do we also believe her words--that is, moderately. when she says, "thy people shall be _my_ people," we believe she meant it--as far as boaz was concerned at least; but when she adds "thy god shall be my god"--well, we have known many people who were quite pious when they were about to do something they wished to cover up, and their prayers were a little more fervent at that time, just to throw people off the track, so to speak. and ruth had decided to capture boaz's heart with her midnight eyes, wear his gems upon her breast, and plunge both hands deep down in his golden shekels. but of course she didn't intend to confide this dead secret to a garrulous old lady, and have it reach the ears of the mighty man of wealth perhaps, for the cunning, witty, pretty widow knew that a man never likes to be caught. so one day she (with naomi) arrived at bethlehem with a half a dozen things in her favor, any one of which would have made her noted, at least. she had youth (she was not more than twenty-eight perhaps) the divine gift of beauty, the luck of being a stranger, the advantage of being a widow, the prestige of a convert, and the novel notoriety of being the first woman in the world who ever was in love with her mother-in-law. is it any wonder "that all the city was moved about them?" well, no doubt ruth found out all she wanted to know about boaz, learned his habits and characteristics, made all the inquiries she wished in a way that "was childlike and bland," and at last having her arsenal well armored with the big guns of wit and beauty and garrisoned by facts and observations and the experience of an ex-wife, she was ready for love's war, where the bullets are soft glances, the sword thrusts kisses and the dungeon of the captive is the bridal chamber, and she went to her mamma-in-law and said sweetly, "let me go now to the field and glean ears of corn after him (you see she admitted she was after him) in whose sight i shall find grace." "and she went, and came, and gleaned in the field after the reapers; and her hap was to light on a part of the field belonging unto boaz." wonderful, wasn't it, that it was her "hap" to light on a part of the field belonging to boaz? and lo, in the morning ere the sun was half way up the blue sky, boaz came into the barley field and his eyes fell upon the beauteous ruth gleaning with the reapers, and delighted at the sight, he called the general manager and said: "whose damsel is this?" and he answered and said: "it is the moabitish maiden that came back with naomi out of the country of moab." [illustration: (turned her pretty head aside and blushed.)] it seems boaz had never seen her before, although her fame had reached his ears, and he spoke to her softly and kindly, praised her for her devotion to her mother-in-law (you see that captured his fancy and admiration, as it has every one's since), and then she smiled and thanked him very ardently, and then the wily widow turned her pretty head aside and blushed. and boaz, who had never heard the advice to "beware of the vidders," was taken in and done for in that one short interview. he hung around the fields, deserted the city, cared naught for its pleasures, forgot the dames of high degree, and lingered for hours among the reapers to catch a glance from her dark eye, or a smile from her ruby lips, and i suppose they sometimes rested in the shade and talked sweet nonsense, or sat in the intoxicating silence when love speaks unutterable things to the heart alone, and the "old sweet story was told again" in the harvest field near bethlehem. "boaz commanded his young men saying, let her glean even among the sheaves, and reproach her not: and let fall also some of the handfuls of purpose for her, and leave them, and rebuke her not." having alighted upon an easy task, ruth knew it. "so she kept fast by the maidens of boaz to glean unto the end of barley harvest and of wheat harvest: and dwelt with her mother-in-law." and yet it seems the gentleman did not propose. so naomi and ruth talked it over together, for by this time his infatuation was the talk of the city, and sentimental, romantic old naomi, who must have been a charming woman in her day, was interested in this love affair. for no matter how old a woman or man may be, the perennial stream of love and sentiment flows on in the heart, although hid 'neath white hairs and wrinkles, and bound by the wintry shackles of age and custom; still it is there, and often breaks the icy barriers of the years and betrays itself by a late marriage, or in the matchmaking proclivities of all elderly women. and naomi gave ruth some instructions which we blush to think of, but she followed them implicitly. and the middle-aged boaz was caught. we suppose he was forty-five or fifty from the fact that he called ruth "my daughter," and commended her because she didn't run after the gilded youths of society, but preferred him above them all. and boaz and ruth were married, and like most marriages between widows and old bachelors it proved a happy one. but ruth's shrewd scheming and successful venture as related in the inspired records confirms our belief that it was boaz the "mighty man of wealth," and not naomi's love or naomi's god that induced ruth to emigrate to the city of bethlehem. [illustration: (and boaz and ruth were married.)] we are told that jezebel, unknown to her husband, "wrote letters in her husband's name and sealed them with his seals," and had a man stoned to death without his knowledge, not the man's, but her husband's. that doesn't look as if she were ruled over much, does it? the sacred history says, speaking of hagar and ishmael, "and his mother took him a wife out of egypt" which means that she selected the girl and told him to marry her--and he obeyed. and we find that solomon gave to the queen of sheba "whatsoever she asked," which is an example of generosity we would recommend to the men of to-day. he gave it up too. he gave it up too. i had reached this point in my study of the bible, when one evening, just as i had seated myself to begin work and was idly sharpening my pencil, the door bell rang. i had not seen my lover for weeks; not since he had so sarcastically advised me to peruse the scriptures. i had waited for his coming, but in vain; the mail brought no letter; he sent no word by friend or foe. and i made no sign. his had been the fault and his should be the reparation, and so a profound silence fell like a pall between us. but love, the god of gods, strung the invisible wires of mental telegraphy between our hearts, and over the mystic, unseen lines our thoughts, bright as hope, dark as sin, lighter than the thistle down, heavily charged with the electricity of doubt and trust, faith and fear, love and longing, flew noiselessly back and forth through the stillness and drew us unconsciously together; and so it happened that he stood upon the doorstep and pulled the bell. there was always a triumphant peal to his ring that seemed to say to my heart, "lo, the conquering hero comes." and now that vital organ bounded gladly in my breast, then stood still; my pulses throbbed with delight and triumph. ten minutes before i would have thrown the world away, if it had been mine, for one smile from his lips, but now--i seized my pencil and wrote rapidly on the tablet on my knee as he entered the hall, came into the room, and stood beside me, then with a little start i looked up and exclaimed in feigned surprise: "you here?" "i think i am," he said, "but if you want me to, i'll look in the mirror to make sure." and then we both laughed, for 'tis so easy to laugh when one is happy and all the world is gay. "well," said he, sitting down beside me, clasping my hand in his as lovers sometimes do, and taking up the conversation where it had been dropped weeks and weeks before, "they say you can buy a good cooking stove for forty dollars--and i've had my salary raised ten dollars a month." then i smiled and he said abruptly: "when are you going to marry me?" "i haven't completed my study of the bible yet, and i don't think i could be submissive, and----" "oh, fiddlesticks!" he exclaimed, impolitely interrupting me, "i don't want you to be submissive; i just want you to love me and--and--boss me," he added, in the very depth of repentance. "but you demanded obedience," i insisted. "i was foolish then," he said softly, "but absence from you and silence has taught me wisdom. when i left you and you made no sign, sent no word of recall, left the dread quiet unbroken, i told myself that you cared nothing for me, and i tried desperately to fall in love with some other girl, but they were all 'flat, stale and unprofitable' compared to you. there was no light in their eyes, no roses on their cheeks, no pleasure in their presence, no rapture in their touch--and--oh, hang it! you know i can't talk, but i love you, and as long as cooking stoves and marriage licenses are so cheap and ministers are so plenty what's the matter with having a wedding to-morrow?" and i said--but never mind what i said. [illustration: (and i said--)] * * * * * transcriber's note: vignette titles from the list of illustrations are shown in parentheses. captioned illustrations are shown in all capitals. [illustration: "and i wonder if there is a woman in the land that can blame serepta for wantin' her rights."] samantha on the woman question by marietta holley "josiah allen's wife" author of "samantha at saratoga," "my opinions" and "betsey bobbet's," etc. contents i. "she wanted her rights" ii. "they can't blame her" iii. "polly's eyes growed tender" iv. "strivin' with the emissary" v. "he wuz dretful polite" vi. "concerning moth-millers and minny fish" vii. "no hamperin' hitchin' straps" viii. "old mom nater listenin'" ix. the women's parade x. "the creation searchin' society" illustrations "and i wonder if there's a woman in the land that can blame serepta for wantin' her rights" (p. 29). frontispiece "i wanted to visit the capitol of our country.... so we laid out to go" "he'd entered political life where the bible wuzn't popular; he'd never read further than gulliver's epistle to the liliputians" "sez josiah, 'does that thing know enough to vote?'" i "she wanted her rights" lorinda cagwin invited josiah and me to a reunion of the allen family at her home nigh washington, d.c., the birthplace of the first allen we knowed anything about, and josiah said: "bein' one of the best lookin' and influential allens on earth now, it would be expected on him to attend to it." and i fell in with the idee, partly to be done as i would be done by if it wuz the relation on my side, and partly because by goin' i could hit two birds with one stun, as the poet sez. indeed, i could hit four on 'em. my own cousin, diantha trimble, lived in a city nigh lorinda's and i had promised to visit her if i wuz ever nigh her, and help bear her burdens for a spell, of which burden more anon and bom-by. diantha wuz one bird, the reunion another, and the third bird i had in my mind's eye wuz the big outdoor meeting of the suffragists that wuz to be held in the city where diantha lived, only a little ways from lorinda's. and the fourth bird and the biggest one i wuz aimin' to hit from this tower of ourn wuz washington, d.c. i wanted to visit the capitol of our country, the center of our great civilization that stands like the sun in the solar system, sendin' out beams of power and wisdom and law and order, and justice and injustice, and money and oratory, and talk and talk, and wind and everything, to the uttermost points of our vast possessions, and from them clear to the ends of the earth. i wanted to see it, i wanted to like a dog. so we laid out to go. [illustration: "i wanted to visit the capitol of our country.... so we laid out to go."] lorinda lived on the old allen place, and i always sot store by her, and her girl, polly, wuz, as thomas j. said, a peach. she had spent one of her college vacations with us, and a sweeter, prettier, brighter girl i don't want to see. her name is pauline, but everybody calls her polly. the cagwins are rich, and polly had every advantage money could give, and old mom nater gin her a lot of advantages money couldn't buy, beauty and intellect, a big generous heart and charm. and you know the cagwins couldn't bought that at no price. charm in a girl is like the perfume in a rose, and can't be bought or sold. and you can't handle or describe either on 'em exactly. but what a influence they have; how they lay holt of your heart and fancy. royal gray, the young man who wuz payin' attention to her, stopped once for a day or two in jonesville with polly and her ma on their way to the cagwins' camp in the adirondacks. and we all liked him so well that we agreed in givin' him this extraordinary praise, we said he wuz worthy of polly, we knowed of course that wuz the highest enconium possible for us to give. good lookin', smart as a whip, and deep, you could see that by lookin' into his eyes, half laughin' and half serious eyes and kinder sad lookin' too under the fun, as eyes must be in this world of ourn if they look back fur, or ahead much of any. a queer world this is, and kinder sad and mysterious, behind all the good and glory on't. he wuz jest out of harvard school and as full of life and sperits as a colt let loose in a clover field. he went out in the hay field, he and polly, and rode home on top of a load of hay jest as nateral and easy and bare-headed as if he wuz workin' for wages, and he the only son of a millionaire--we all took to him. well, when the news got out that i wuz goin' to visit washington, d.c., all the neighbors wanted to send errents by me. betsy bobbet slimpsey wanted a dozen patent office books for scrap books for her poetry. uncle nate gowdey wanted me to go to the agricultural buro and git him a paper of lettuce seed. and solomon sypher wanted me to git him a new kind of string beans and some cowcumber seeds. uncle jarvis bentley, who wuz goin' to paint his house, wanted me to ask the president what kind of paint he used on the white house. he thought it ort to be a extra kind to stand the sharp glare that wuz beatin' down on it constant, and to ask him if he didn't think the paint would last longer and the glare be mollified some if they used pure white and clear ile in it, and left off whitewash and karseen. ardelia rumsey, who is goin' to be married, wanted me, if i see any new kinds of bedquilt patterns at the white house or the senator's housen, to git patterns for 'em. she said she wuz sick of sun flowers and blazin' stars. she thought mebby they'd have sunthin' new, spread eagle style. she said her feller wuz goin' to be connected with the govermunt and she thought it would be appropriate. and i asked her how. and she said he wuz goin' to git a patent on a new kind of jack knife. i told her that if she wanted a govermunt quilt and wanted it appropriate she ort to have a crazy quilt. and she said she had jest finished a crazy quilt with seven thousand pieces of silk in it, and each piece trimmed with seven hundred stitches of feather stitchin'--she'd counted 'em. and then i remembered seein' it. there wuz a petition fer wimmen's rights and i remember ardelia couldn't sign it for lack of time. she wanted to, but she hadn't got the quilt more than half done. it took the biggest heft of two years to do it. and so less important things had to be put aside. and ardelia's mother wanted to sign it, but she couldn't owin' to a bed-spread she wuz makin'. she wuz quiltin' in noah's ark and all the animals on a turkey red quilt. i remember she wuz quiltin' the camel that day and couldn't be disturbed, so we didn't git the names. it took the old lady three years, and when it wuz done it wuz a sight to behold, though i wouldn't want to sleep under so many animals. but folks went from fur and near to see it, and i enjoyed lookin' at it that day. zebulin coon wanted me to carry a new hen coop of hisen to git patented. and i thought to myself i wonder if they will ask me to carry a cow. and sure enough elnathan purdy wanted me to dicker for a calf from mount vernon, swop one of his yearlin's for it. but the errents serepta pester sent wuz fur more hefty and momentous than all the rest put together, calves, hen coop, cow and all. and when she told 'em over to me, and i meditated on her reasons for sendin' 'em and her need of havin' 'em done, i felt that i would do the errents for her if a breath wuz left in my body. she come for a all day's visit; and though she is a vegetable widow and humbly, i wuz middlin' glad to see her. but thinkses i as i carried her things into my bedroom, "she'll want to send some errent by me"; and i wondered what it would be. and so it didn't surprise me when she asked me if i would lobby a little for her in washington. i spozed it wuz some new kind of tattin' or fancy work. i told her i shouldn't have much time but would try to git her some if i could. and she said she wanted me to lobby myself. and then i thought mebby it wuz a new kind of dance and told her, "i wuz too old to lobby, i hadn't lobbied a step since i wuz married." and then she explained she wanted me to canvas some of the senators. and i hung back and asked her in a cautious tone, "how many she wanted canvassed, and how much canvas it would take?" i had a good many things to buy for my tower, and though i wanted to obleege serepta, i didn't feel like runnin' into any great expense for canvas. and then she broke off from that subject, and said she wanted her rights and wanted the whiskey ring broke up. and she talked a sight about her children, and how bad she felt to be parted from 'em, and how she used to worship her husband and how her hull life wuz ruined and the whiskey ring had done it, that and wimmen's helpless condition under the law and she cried and wep' and i did. and right while i wuz cryin' onto that gingham apron, she made me promise to carry them two errents of hern to the president and git 'em done for her if i possibly could. she wanted the whiskey ring destroyed and her rights, and she wanted 'em both inside of two weeks. i told her i didn't believe she could git 'em done inside that length of time, but i would tell the president about it, and i thought more'n likely as not he would want to do right by her. "and," sez i, "if he sets out to, he can haul them babies of yourn out of that ring pretty sudden." and then to git her mind offen her sufferin's, i asked how her sister azuba wuz gittin' along? i hadn't heard from her for years. she married phileman clapsaddle, and serepty spoke out as bitter as a bitter walnut, and sez she: "she's in the poor-house." "why, serepta pester!" sez i, "what do you mean?" "i mean what i say, my sister, azuba clapsaddle, is in the poor-house." "why, where is their property gone?" sez i. "they wuz well off. azuba had five thousand dollars of her own when she married him." "i know it," sez she, "and i can tell you, josiah alien's wife, where their property has gone, it has gone down phileman clapsaddle's throat. look down that man's throat and you will see 150 acres of land, a good house and barn, twenty sheep and forty head of cattle." "why-ee!" sez i. "yes, and you'll see four mules, a span of horses, two buggies, a double sleigh, and three buffalo robes. he's drinked 'em all up, and two horse rakes, a cultivator, and a thrashin' machine." "why-ee!" sez i agin. "and where are the children?" "the boys have inherited their father's habits and drink as bad as he duz and the oldest girl has gone to the bad." "oh dear! oh dear me!" sez i, and we both sot silent for a spell. and then thinkin' i must say sunthin' and wantin' to strike a safe subject and a good lookin' one, i sez: "where is your aunt cassandra's girl? that pretty girl i see to your house once?" "that girl is in the lunatick asylum." "serepta pester," sez i, "be you tellin' the truth?" "yes, i be, the livin' truth. she went to new york to buy millinery goods for her mother's store. it wuz quite cool when she left home and she hadn't took off her winter clothes, and it come on brilin' hot in the city, and in goin' about from store to store the heat and hard work overcome her and she fell down in a sort of faintin' fit and wuz called drunk and dragged off to a police court by a man who wuz a animal in human shape. and he misused her in such a way that she never got over the horror of what befell her when she come to to find herself at the mercy of a brute in a man's shape. she went into a melancholy madness and wuz sent to the asylum." i sithed a long and mournful sithe and sot silent agin for quite a spell. but thinkin' i must be sociable i sez: "your aunt cassandra is well, i spoze?" "she is moulderin' in jail," sez she. "in jail? cassandra in jail!" "yes, in jail." and serepta's tone wuz now like worm-wood and gall. "you know she owns a big property in tenement houses and other buildings where she lives. of course her taxes wuz awful high, and she didn't expect to have any voice in tellin' how that money, a part of her own property that she earned herself in a store, should be used. but she had been taxed high for new sidewalks in front of some of her buildin's. and then another man come into power in that ward, and he naterally wanted to make some money out of her, so he ordered her to build new sidewalks. and she wouldn't tear up a good sidewalk to please him or anybody else, so she wuz put to jail for refusin' to comply with the law." thinkses i, i don't believe the law would have been so hard on her if she hadn't been so humbly. the pesters are a humbly lot. but i didn't think it out loud, and didn't ophold the law for feelin' so. i sez in pityin' tones, for i wuz truly sorry for cassandra keeler: "how did it end?" "it hain't ended," sez she, "it only took place a month ago and she has got her grit up and won't pay; and no knowin' how it will end; she lays there amoulderin'." i don't believe cassanda wuz mouldy, but that is serepta's way of talkin', very flowery. "well," sez i, "do you think the weather is goin' to moderate?" i truly felt that i dassent speak to her about any human bein' under the sun, not knowin' what turn she would give to the talk, bein' so embittered. but i felt that the weather wuz safe, and cotton stockin's, and hens, and factory cloth, and i kep' her down on them for more'n two hours. but good land! i can't blame her for bein' embittered agin men and the laws they've made, for it seems as if i never see a human creeter so afflicted as serepta pester has been all her life. why, her sufferin's date back before she wuz born, and that's goin' pretty fur back. her father and mother had some difficulty and he wuz took down with billerous colick, voylent four weeks before serepta wuz born. and some think it wuz the hardness between 'em and some think it wuz the gripin' of the colick when he made his will, anyway he willed serepta away, boy or girl whichever it wuz, to his brother up on the canada line. so when serepta wuz born (and born a girl ontirely onbeknown to her) she wuz took right away from her mother and gin to this brother. her mother couldn't help herself, he had the law on his side. but it killed her. she drooped away and died before the baby wuz a year old. she wuz a affectionate, tenderhearted woman and her husband wuz overbearin' and stern always. but it wuz this last move of hisen that killed her, for it is pretty tough on a mother to have her baby, a part of her own life, took right out of her own arms and gin to a stranger. for this uncle of hern wuz a entire stranger to serepta, and almost like a stranger to her father, for he hadn't seen him since he wuz a boy, but knew he hadn't any children and spozed that he wuz rich and respectable. but the truth wuz he had been runnin' down every way, had lost his property and his character, wuz dissipated and mean. but the will wuz made and the law stood. men are ashamed now to think that the law wuz ever in voge, but it wuz, and is now in some of the states, and the poor young mother couldn't help herself. it has always been the boast of our american law that it takes care of wimmen. it took care of her. it held her in its strong protectin' grasp so tight that the only way she could slip out of it wuz to drop into the grave, which she did in a few months. then it leggo. but it kep' holt of serepta, it bound her tight to her uncle while he run through with what property she had, while he sunk lower and lower until at last he needed the very necessaries of life and then he bound her out to work to a woman who kep' a drinkin' den and the lowest hant of vice. twice serepta run away, bein' virtuous but humbly, but them strong protectin' arms of the law that had held her mother so tight reached out and dragged her back agin. upheld by them her uncle could compel her to give her service wherever he wanted her to work, and he wuz owin' this woman and she wanted serepta's work, so she had to submit. but the third time she made a effort so voyalent that she got away. a good woman, who bein' nothin' but a woman couldn't do anything towards onclinchin' them powerful arms that wuz protectin' her, helped her to slip through 'em. and serepta come to jonesville to live with a sister of that good woman; changed her name so's it wouldn't be so easy to find her; grew up to be a nice industrious girl. and when the woman she wuz took by died she left serepta quite a handsome property. and finally she married lank burpee, and did considerable well it wuz spozed. her property, put with what little he had, made 'em a comfortable home and they had two pretty children, a boy and a girl. but when the little girl wuz a baby he took to drinkin', neglected his bizness, got mixed up with a whiskey ring, whipped serepta--not so very hard. he went accordin' to law, and the law of the united states don't approve of a man's whippin' his wife enough to endanger her life, it sez it don't. he made every move of hisen lawful and felt that serepta hadn't ort to complain and feel hurt. but a good whippin' will make anybody feel hurt, law or no law. and then he parted with her and got her property and her two little children. why, it seemed as if everything under the sun and moon, that could happen to a woman, had happened to serepta, painful things and gauldin'. jest before lank parted with her, she fell on a broken sidewalk: some think he tripped her up, but it never wuz proved. but anyway serepta fell and broke her hip hone; and her husband sued the corporation and got ten thousand dollars for it. of course the law give the money to him and she never got a cent of it. but she wouldn't have made any fuss over that, knowin' that the law of the united states wuz such. but what made it so awful mortifyin' to her wuz, that while she wuz layin' there achin' in splints, he took that very money and used it to court up another woman with. gin her presents, jewelry, bunnets, head-dresses, artificial flowers out of serepta's own hip money. and i don't know as anything could be much more gauldin' to a woman than that--while she lay there groanin' in splints, to have her husband take the money for her own broken bones and dress up another woman like a doll with it. but the law gin it to him, and he wuz only availin' himself of the glorious liberty of our free republic, and doin' as he wuz a mind to. and it wuz spozed that that very hip money wuz what made the match. for before she wuz fairly out of splints he got a divorce from her and married agin. and by the help of serepta's hip money and the whiskey ring he got her two little children away from her. ii "they can't blame her" and i wonder if there is a woman in the land that can blame serepta for gittin' mad and wantin' her rights and wantin' the whiskey ring broke up, when they think how she's been fooled round with by men; willed away, and whipped, and parted with, and stole from. why, they can't blame her for feelin' fairly savage about 'em, as she duz. for as she sez to me once, when we wuz talkin' it over, how everything had happened to her. "yes," sez she, with a axent like bone-set and vinegar, "and what few things hain't happened to me has happened to my folks." and sure enough i couldn't dispute her. trouble and wrongs and sufferin's seemed to be epidemic in the race of pester wimmen. why, one of her aunts on her father's side, huldah pester, married for her first husband, eliphelet perkins. he wuz a minister, rode on a circuit, and he took huldah on it too, and she rode round with him on it a good deal of the time. but she never loved to, she wuz a woman that loved to be still, and kinder settled down at home. but she loved eliphelet so well that she would do anything to please him, so she rode round with him on that circuit till she wuz perfectly fagged out. he wuz a dretful good man to her, but he wuz kinder poor and they had hard times to git along. but what property they had wuzn't taxed, so that helped some, and huldah would make one dollar go a good ways. no, their property wuzn't taxed till eliphelet died. then the supervisor taxed it the very minute the breath left his body; run his horse, so it wuz said, so's to be sure to git it onto the tax list, and comply with the law. you see eliphelet's salary stopped when his breath did. and i spoze the law thought, seein' she wuz havin' trouble, she might jest as well have a little more; so it taxed all the property it never had taxed a cent for before. but she had this to console her that the law didn't forgit her in her widowhood. no; the law is quite thoughtful of wimmen by spells. it sez it protects wimmen. and i spoze that in some mysterious way, too deep for wimmen to understand, it wuz protectin' her now. well, she suffered along and finally married agin. i wondered why she did. but she wuz such a quiet, home-lovin' woman that it wuz spozed she wanted to settle down and be kinder still and sot. but of all the bad luck she had. she married on short acquaintance, and he proved to be a perfect wanderer. he couldn't keep still, it wuz spozed to be a mark. he moved huldah thirteen times in two years, and at last he took her into a cart, a sort of covered wagon, and traveled right through the western states with her. he wanted to see the country and loved to live in the wagon, it wuz his make. and, of course, the law give him control of her body, and she had to go where he moved it, or else part with him. and i spoze the law thought it wuz guardin' and nourishin' her when it wuz joltin' her over them prairies and mountains and abysses. but it jest kep' her shook up the hull of the time. it wuz the regular pester luck. and then another of her aunts, drusilly pester, married a industrious, hard-workin' man, one that never drinked, wuz sound on the doctrines, and give good measure to his customers, he wuz a groceryman. and a master hand for wantin' to foller the laws of his country as tight as laws could be follered. and so knowin' that the law approved of moderate correction for wimmen, and that "a man might whip his wife, but not enough to endanger her life"; he bein' such a master hand for wantin' to do everything faithful and do his very best for his customers, it wuz spozed he wanted to do the best for the law, and so when he got to whippin' drusilly, he would whip her too severe, he would be too faithful to it. you see what made him whip her at all wuz she wuz cross to him. they had nine little children, she thought two or three children would be about all one woman could bring up well by hand, when that hand wuz so stiff and sore with hard work. but he had read some scareful talk from high quarters about race suicide. some men do git real wrought up about it and want everybody to have all the children they can, jest as fast as they can, though wimmen don't all feel so. aunt hetty sidman said, "if men had to born 'em and nuss 'em themselves, she didn't spoze they would be so enthusiastick about it after they had had a few, 'specially if they done their own housework themselves," and aunt hetty said that some of the men who wuz exhortin' wimmen to have big families, had better spend some of their strength and wind in tryin' to make this world a safer place for children to be born into. she said they'd be better off in nonentity than here in this world with saloons on every corner, and war-dogs howlin' at 'em. i don't know exactly what she meant by nonentity, but guess she meant the world we all stay in, before we are born into this one. aunt hetty has lost five boys, two by battle and three by licensed saloons, that makes her talk real bitter, but to resoom. i told josiah that men needn't worry about race suicide, for you might as well try to stop a hen from makin' a nest, as to stop wimmen from wantin' a baby to love and hold on her heart. but sez i, "folks ort to be moderate and mejum in babies as well as in everything else." but drusilly's husband wanted twelve boys he said, to be law-abidin' citizens as their pa wuz, and a protection to the govermunt, and to be ready to man the new warships, if a war broke out. but her babies wuz real pretty and cunning, and she wuz so weak-minded she couldn't enjoy the thought that if our male statesmen got to scrappin' with some other nation's male law-makers and made another war, of havin' her grown-up babies face the cannons. i spoze it wuz when she wuz so awful tired she felt so. you see she had to do every mite of her housework, and milk cows, and make butter and cheese, and cook and wash and scour, and take all the care of the children day and night in sickness and health, and make their clothes and keep 'em clean. and when there wuz so many of 'em and she enjoyin' real poor health, i spoze she sometimes thought more of her own achin' back than she did of the good of the govermunt--and she would git kinder discouraged sometimes and be cross to him. and knowin' his own motives wuz so high and loyal, he felt that he ort to whip her, so he did. and what shows that drusilly wuzn't so bad after all and did have her good streaks and a deep reverence for the law is, that she stood his whippin's first-rate, and never whipped him. now she wuz fur bigger than he wuz, weighed eighty pounds the most, and might have whipped him if the law had been such. but they wuz both law-abidin' and wanted to keep every preamble, so she stood it to be whipped, and never once whipped him in all the seventeen years they lived together. she died when her twelfth child wuz born. there wuz jest ten months difference between that and the one next older. and they said she often spoke out in her last sickness, and said, "thank fortune, i've always kep' the law!" and they said the same thought wuz a great comfort to him in his last moments. he died about a year after she did, leavin' his second wife with twins and a good property. then there wuz abagail pester. she married a sort of a high-headed man, though one that paid his debts, wuz truthful, good lookin', and played well on the fiddle. why, it seemed as if he had almost every qualification for makin' a woman happy, only he had this one little eccentricity, he would lock up abagail's clothes every time he got mad at her. of course the law give her clothes to him, and knowin' that it wuz the law in the state where they lived, she wouldn't have complained only when they had company. but it wuz mortifyin', nobody could dispute it, to have company come and have nothin' to put on. several times she had to withdraw into the woodhouse, and stay most all day there shiverin', and under the suller stairs and round in clothes presses. but he boasted in prayer meetin's and on boxes before grocery stores that he wuz a law-abidin' citizen, and he wuz. eben flanders wouldn't lie for anybody. but i'll bet abagail flanders beat our old revolutionary four-mothers in thinkin' out new laws, when she lay round under stairs and behind barrels in her night-gown. when a man hides his wife's stockin's and petticoats it is governin' without the consent of the governed. if you don't believe it you'd ort to peeked round them barrels and seen abagail's eyes, they had hull reams of by-laws in 'em and preambles, and declarations of independence, so i've been told. but it beat everything i ever hearn on, the lawful sufferin's of them wimmen. for there wuzn't nothin' illegal about one single trouble of theirn. they suffered accordin' to law, every one on 'em. but it wuz tuff for 'em, very tuff. and their bein' so dretful humbly wuz another drawback to 'em, though that too wuz perfectly lawful, as everybody knows. and serepta looked as bad agin as she would otherwise on account of her teeth. it wuz after lank had begun to git after this other woman, and wuz indifferent to his wife's looks that serepta had a new set of teeth on her upper jaw. and they sot out and made her look so bad it fairly made her ache to look at herself in the glass. and they hurt her gooms too, and she carried 'em back to the dentist and wanted him to make her another set, but he acted mean and wouldn't take 'em back, and sued lank for the pay. and they had a law-suit. and the law bein' such that a woman can't testify in court, in any matter that is of mutual interest to husband and wife, and lank wantin' to act mean, said that they wuz good sound teeth. and there serepta sot right in front of 'em with her gooms achin' and her face all swelled out, and lookin' like furiation, and couldn't say a word. but she had to give in to the law. and ruther than go toothless she wears 'em to this day, and i believe it is the raspin' of them teeth aginst her gooms and her discouraged, mad feelin's every time she looks in the glass that helps embitter her towards men, and the laws men have made, so's a woman can't have control of her own teeth and her own bones. serepta went home about 5 p.m., i promisin' sacred to do her errents for her. and i gin a deep, happy sithe after i shot the door behind her, and i sez to josiah i do hope that's the very last errent we will have to carry to washington, d.c., for the jonesvillians. "yes," says he, "an' i guess i will get a fresh pail of water and hang on the tea kettle for you." "and," i says, "it's pretty early for supper, but i'll start it, for i do feel kinder gone to the stomach. sympathy is real exhaustin'. sometimes i think it tires me more'n hard work. and heaven knows i sympathized with serepta. i felt for her full as much as if she was one of the relations on _his_ side." but if you'll believe it, i had hardly got the words out of my mouth and josiah had jest laid holt of the water pail, when in comes philander dagget, the president of the jonesville creation searchin' society and, of course, he had a job for us to do on our tower. this society was started by the leadin' men of jonesville, for the purpose of searchin' out and criticizin' the affairs of the world, an' so far as possible advisin' and correctin' the meanderin's an' wrong-doin's of the universe. this society, which we call the c.s.s. for short, has been ruther quiet for years. but sence woman's suffrage has got to be such a prominent question, they bein' so bitterly opposed to it, have reorganized and meet every once in a while, to sneer at the suffragettes and poke fun at 'em and show in every way they can their hitter antipathy to the cause. philander told me if i see anything new and strikin' in the way of society badges and regalia, to let him know about it, for he said the c.s.s. was goin' to take a decided stand and show their colors. they wuz goin' to help protect his women endangered sect, an' he wanted sunthin' showy and suggestive. i thought of a number of badges and mottoes that i felt would be suitable for this society, but dassent tell 'em to him, for his idees and mine on this subject are as fur apart as the two poles. he talked awful bitter to me once about it, and i sez to him: "philander, the world is full of good men, and there are also bad men in the world, and, sez i, did you ever in your born days see a bad man that wuzn't opposed to woman's suffrage? all the men who trade in, and profit by, the weakness and sin of men and women, they every one of 'em, to a man, fight agin it. and would they do this if they didn't think that their vile trades would suffer if women had the right to vote? it is the great-hearted, generous, noble man who wants women to become a real citizen with himself--which she is not now--she is only a citizen just enough to be taxed equally with man, or more exhorbitantly, and be punished and executed by the law she has no hand in makin'." philander sed, "i have always found it don't pay to talk with women on matters they don't understand." an' he got up and started for the door, an' josiah sed, "no, it don't pay, not a cent; i've always said so." but i told philander i'd let him know if i see anything appropriate to the c.s.s. holdin' back with a almost herculaneum effort the mottoes and badges that run through my mind as bein' appropriate to their society; knowin' it would make him so mad if i told him of 'em--he never would neighbor with us again. and in three days' time we sot sail. we got to the depo about an hour too early, but i wuz glad we wuz on time, for it would have worked josiah up dretfully ef we hadn't been, for he had spent most of the latter part of the night in gittin' up and walkin' out to the clock seein' if it wuz train time. jest before we started, who should come runnin' down to the depo but sam nugent wantin' to send a errent by me to washington. he wunk me out to one side of the waitin' room, and ast "if i'd try to git him a license to steal horses." it kinder runs in the blood of the nugents to love to steal, and he owned up it did, but he said he wanted the profit of it. but i told him i wouldn't do any sech thing, an' i looked at him in such a witherin' way that i should most probable withered him, only he is blind in one side, and i wuz on the blind side, but he argued with me, and said that it wuz no worse than to give licenses for other kinds of meanness. he said they give licenses now to steal--steal folkses senses away, and then they could steal everything else, and murder and tear round into every kind of wickedness. but he didn't ask that. he wanted things done fair and square: he jest wanted to steal horses. he wuz goin' west, and he thought he could do a good bizness, and lay up somethin'. if he had a license he shouldn't be afraid of bein' shet up or shot. but i refused the job with scorn; and jest as i wuz refusin', the cars snorted, and i wuz glad they did. they seemed to express in that wild snort something of the indignation i felt. the idee! iii "polly's eyes crowed tender" lorinda wuz dretful glad to see us and so wuz her husband and polly. but the reunion had to be put off on account of a spell her husband wuz havin'. lorinda said she could not face such a big company as she'd invited while hiram wuz havin' a spell, and i agreed with her. sez i, "never, never, would i have invited company whilst josiah wuz sufferin' with one of his cricks." men hain't patient under pain, and outsiders hain't no bizness to hear things they say and tell on 'em. so polly had to write to the relations puttin' off the reunion for one week. but lorinda kep' on cookin' fruit cake and such that would keep, she had plenty of help, but loved to do her company cookin' herself. and seein' the reunion wuz postponed and lorinda had time on her hands, i proposed she should go with me to the big out-door meetin' of the suffragists, which wuz held in a nigh-by city. "good land!" sez she, "nothin' would tempt me to patronize anything so brazen and onwomanly as a out-door meetin' of wimmen, and so onhealthy and immodest." i see she looked reproachfully at polly as she said it. polly wuz arrangin' some posies in a vase, and looked as sweet as the posies did, but considerable firm too, and i see from lorinda's looks that polly wuz one who had to leave father and mother for principle's sake. but i sez, "you're cookin' this minute, lorinda, for a out-door meetin'" (she wuz makin' angel cake). "and why is this meetin' any more onwomanly or immodest than the camp-meetin' where you wuz converted, and baptized the next sunday in the creek?" "oh, them wuz religious meetin's," sez she. "well," sez i, "mebby these wimmen think their meetin' is religious. you know the bible sez, 'faith and works should go together,' and some of the leaders of this movement have showed by their works as religious a sperit and wielded aginst injustice to young workin' wimmen as powerful a weepon as that axe of the 'postles the bible tells about. and you said you went every day to the hudson-fulton doin's and hearn every out-door lecture; you writ me that there wuz probable a million wimmen attendin' them out-door meetin's, and that wuz curosity and pleasure huntin' that took them, and this is a meetin' of justice and right." "oh, shaw!" sez lorinda agin, with her eye on polly. "wimmen have all the rights they want or need." lorinda's husband bein' rich and lettin' her have her way she is real foot loose, and don't feel the need of any more rights for herself, but i told her then and there some of the wrongs and sufferin's of serepta pester, and bein' good-hearted (but obstinate and bigoted) she gin in that the errents wuz hefty, and that serepta wuz to be pitied, but she insisted that wimmen's votin' wouldn't help matters. but euphrasia pottle, a poor relation from troy, spoke up. "after my husband died one of my girls went into a factory and gits about half what the men git for the same work, and my oldest girl who teaches in the public school don't git half as much for the same work as men do, and her school rooms are dark, stuffy, onhealthy, and crowded so the children are half-choked for air, and the light so poor they're havin' their eyesight spilte for life, and new school books not needed at all, are demanded constantly, so some-one can make money." "yes," sez i, "do you spoze, lorinda, if intelligent mothers helped control such things they would let their children be made sick and blind and the money that should be used for food for poor hungry children be squandered on _on_-necessary books they are too faint with hunger to study." "but wimmen's votin' wouldn't help in such things," sez lorinda, as she stirred her angel cake vigorously. but euphrasia sez, "my niece, ellen, teaches in a state where wimmen vote and she gits the same wages men git for the same work, and her school rooms are bright and pleasant and sanitary, and the pupils, of course, are well and happy. and if you don't think wimmen can help in such public matters just go to seattle and see how quick a bad man wuz yanked out of his public office and a good man put in his place, mostly by wimmen's efforts and votes." "yes," sez i, "it is a proved fact that wimmen's votes do help in these matters. and do you think, lorinda, that if educated, motherly, thoughtful wimmen helped make the laws so many little children would be allowed to toil in factories and mines, their tender shoulders bearin' the burden of constant labor that wears out the iron muscles of men?" polly's eyes growed tender and wistful, and her little white hands lingered over her posies, and i knowed the hard lot of the poor, the wrongs of wimmen and children, the woes of humanity, wuz pressin' down on her generous young heart. and i could see in her sweet face the brave determination to do and to dare, to try to help ondo the wrongs, and try to lift the burdens from weak and achin' shoulders. but lorinda kep' on with the same old moth-eaten argument so broke down and feeble it ort to be allowed to die in peace. "woman's suffrage would make women neglect their homes and housework and let their children run loose into ruin." i knowed she said it partly on polly's account, but i sez in surprise, "why, lorinda, it must be you hain't read up on the subject or you would know wherever wimmen has voted they have looked out first of all for the children's welfare. they have raised the age of consent, have closed saloons and other places of licensed evil, and in every way it has been their first care to help 'em to safer and more moral surroundin's, for who has the interest of children more at heart than the mothers who bore them, children who are the light of their eyes and the hope of the future." lorinda admitted that the state of the children in the homes of the poor and ignorant wuz pitiful. "but," sez she, "the bible sez 'ye shall always have the poor with you,' and i spoze we always shall, with all their sufferin's and wants. but," sez she, "in well-to-do homes the children are safe and well off, and don't need any help from woman legislation." "why, lorinda," sez i, "did you ever think on't how such mothers may watch over and be the end of the law to their children with the father's full consent during infancy when they're wrastlin' with teethin', whoopin'-cough, mumps, etc., can be queen of the nursery, dispensor of pure air, sunshine, sanitary, and safe surroundin's in every way, and then in a few years see 'em go from her into dark, overcrowded, unsanitary, carelessly guarded places, to spend the precious hours when they are the most receptive to influence and pass man-made pitfalls on their way to and fro, must stand helpless until in too many cases the innocent healthy child that went from her care returns to her half-blind, a physical and moral wreck. the mother who went down to death's door for 'em, and had most to do in mouldin' their destiny during infancy should have at least equal rights with the father in controllin' their surroundin's during their entire youth, and to do this she must have equal legal power or her best efforts are wasted. that this is just and right is as plain to me as the nose on my face and folks will see it bom-bye and wonder they didn't before. "and wimmen who suffer most by the lack on't, will be most interested in openin' schools to teach the fine art of domestic service, teachin' young girls how to keep healthy comfortable homes and fit themselves to be capable wives and mothers. i don't say or expect that wimmen's votin' will make black white, or wash all the stains from the legislative body at once, but i say that jest the effort to git wimmen's suffrage has opened hundreds of bolted doors and full suffrage will open hundreds more. and i'm goin' to that woman's suffrage meetin' if i walk afoot." but here josiah spoke up, i thought he wuz asleep, he wuz layin' on the lounge with a paper over his face. but truly the word, "woman's suffrage," rousts him up as quick as a mouse duz a drowsy cat, so, sez he, "i can't let you go, samantha, into any such dangerous and onwomanly affair." "let?" sez i in a dry voice; "that's a queer word from one old pardner to another." "i'm responsible for your safety, samantha, and if anybody goes to that dangerous and onseemly meetin' i will. mebby polly would like to go with me." as stated, polly is as pretty as a pink posy, and no matter how old a man is, nor how interestin' and noble his pardner is, he needs girl blinders, yes, he needs 'em from the cradle to the grave. but few, indeed, are the female pardners who can git him to wear 'em. he added, "you know i represent you legally, samantha; what i do is jest the same as though you did it." sez i, "mebby that is law, but whether it is gospel is another question. but if you represent me, josiah, you will have to carry out my plans; i writ to diantha smith trimble that if i went to the city i'd take care of aunt susan a night or two, and rest her a spell; you know diantha is a widder and too poor to hire a nurse. but seein' you represent me you can set up with her ma a night or two; she's bed-rid and you'll have to lift her round some, and give her her medicine and take care of diantha's twins, and let her git a good sleep." "well, as it were--samantha--you know--men hain't expected to represent wimmen in everything, it is mostly votin' and tendin' big meetin's and such." "oh, i see," sez i; "men represent wimmen when they want to, and when they don't wimmen have got to represent themselves." "well, yes, samantha, sunthin' like that." he didn't say anything more about representin' me, and polly said she wuz goin' to ride in the parade with some other college girls. lorinda's linement looked dark and forbiddin' as polly stated in her gentle, but firm way this ultimatum. lorinda hated the idee of polly's jinin' in what she called onwomanly and immodest doin's, but i looked beamin'ly at her and gloried in her principles. after she went out lorinda said to me in a complainin' way, "i should think that a girl that had every comfort and luxury would be contented and thankful, and be willin' to stay to home and act like a lady." sez i, "nothin' could keep polly from actin' like a lady, and mebby it is because she is so well off herself that makes her sorry for other young girls that have nothin' but poverty and privation." "oh, nonsense!" sez lorinda. but i knowed jest how it wuz. polly bein' surrounded by all the good things money could give, and bein' so tender-hearted her heart ached for other young girls, who had to spend the springtime of their lives in the hard work of earnin' bread for themselves and dear ones, and she longed to help 'em to livin' wages, so they could exist without the wages of sin, and too many on 'em had to choose between them black wages and starvation. she wanted to help 'em to better surroundin's and she knowed the best weepon she could put into their hands to fight the wolves of want and temptation, wuz the ballot. polly hain't a mite like her ma, she favors the smiths more, her grand-ma on her pa's side wuz a smith and a woman of brains and principle. durin' my conversation with lorinda, i inquired about royal gray, for as stated, he wuz a great favorite of ourn, and i found out (and i could see it gaulded her) that when polly united with the suffragists he shied off some, and went to payin' attention to another girl. whether it wuz to make polly jealous and bring her round to his way of thinkin', i didn't know, but mistrusted, for i could have took my oath that he loved polly deeply and truly. to be sure he hadn't confided in me, but there is a language of the eyes, when the soul speaks through 'em, and as i'd seen him look at polly my own soul had hearn and understood that silent language and translated it, that polly wuz the light of his eyes, and the one woman in the world for him. and i couldn't think his heart had changed so sudden. but knowin' as i did the elastic nature of manly affection, i felt dubersome. this other girl, maud vincent, always said to her men friends, it wuz onwomanly to try to vote. she wuz one of the girls who always gloried in bein' a runnin' vine when there wuz any masculine trees round to lean on and twine about. one who always jined in with all the idees they promulgated, from neckties to the tariff, who declared cigar smoke wuz so agreeable and welcome; it did really make her deathly sick, but she would choke herself cheerfully and willin'ly if by so chokin' she could gain manly favor and admiration. she said she didn't believe in helpin' poor girls, they wuz well enough off as it wuz, she wuz sure they didn't feel hunger and cold as rich girls did, their skin wuz thicker and their stomachs different and stronger, and constant labor didn't harm them, and working girls didn't need recreation as rich girls did, and woman's suffrage wouldn't help them any; in her opinion it would harm them, and anyway the poor wuz on-grateful. she had the usual arguments on the tip of her tongue, for old miss vincent, the aunt she lived with, wuz a ardent she aunty and very prominent in the public meetin's the she auntys have to try to compel the suffragists not to have public meetin's. they talk a good deal in public how onwomanly and immodest it is for wimmen to talk in public. and she wuz one of the foremost ones in tryin' to git up a school to teach wimmen civics, to prove that they mustn't ever have anything to do with civics. yes, old miss vincent wuz a real active, ardent she aunty, and maud genevieve takes after her. royal gray, his handsome attractive personality, and his millions, had long been the goal of maud's ambition. and how ardently did she hail the coolness growing between him and polly, the little rift in the lute, and how zealously did she labor to make it larger. polly and royal had had many an argument on the subject, that is, he would begin by makin' fun of the suffragists and their militant doin's, which if he'd thought on't wuz sunthin' like what his old revolutionary forbears went through for the same reasons, bein' taxed without representation, and bein' burdened and punished by the law they had no voice in making, only the suffragettes are not nearly so severe with their opposers, they haven't drawed any blood yet. why, them old patriots we revere so, would consider their efforts for freedom exceedingly gentle and tame compared to their own bloody battles. and royal would make light of the efforts of college girls to help workin' girls, and the encouragement and aid they'd gin 'em when they wuz strikin' for less death-dealin' hours of labor, and livin' wages, and so forth. i don't see how such a really noble young man as royal ever come to argy that way, but spoze it wuz the dead hand of some rough onreasonable old ancestor reachin' up out of the shadows of the past and pushin' him on in the wrong direction. so when he begun to ridicule what polly's heart wuz sot on, when she felt that he wuz fightin' agin right and justice, before they knowed it both pairs of bright eyes would git to flashin' out angry sparks, and hash words would be said on both sides. that old long-buried tory ancestor of hisen eggin' him on, so i spoze, and polly's generous sperit rebellin' aginst the injustice and selfishness, and mebby some warlike ancestor of hern pushin' her on to say hash things. 'tennyrate he had grown less attentive to her, and wuz bestowin' his time and attentions elsewhere. and when she told him she wuz goin' to ride in the automobile parade of the suffragists, but really ridin' she felt towards truth and justice to half the citizens of the u.s., he wuz mad as a wet hen, a male wet hen, and wuz bound she shouldn't go. some men, and mebby it is love that makes 'em feel so (they say it is), and mebby it is selfishness (though they won't own up to it), but they want the women they love to belong to them alone, want to rule absolutely over their hearts, their souls, their bodies, and all their thoughts and aims, desires, and fancies. they don't really say they want 'em to wear veils, and be shet in behind lattice-windowed harems, but i believe they would enjoy it. they want to be foot loose and heart loose themselves, but always after ulysses is tired of world wandering, he wants to come back and open the barred doors of home with his own private latch-key, and find penelope knitting stockings for him with her veil on, waitin' for him. that sperit is i spoze inherited from the days when our ancestor, the cave man, would knock down the woman he fancied, with a club, and carry her off into his cave and keep her there shet up. but little by little men are forgettin' their ancestral traits, and men and wimmen are gradually comin' out of their dark caverns into the sunshine (for women too have inherited queer traits and disagreeable ones, but that is another story). well, as i said, royal wuz mad and told polly that he guessed that the day of the parade he would take maud vincent out in the country in his motor, to gather may-flowers. polly told him she hoped they would have a good time, and then, after he had gone, drivin' his car lickety-split, harem skarum, owin' to his madness i spoze, polly went upstairs and cried, for i hearn her, her room wuz next to ourn. and i deeply respected her for her principles, for he had asked her first to go may-flowering with him the day of the suffrage meeting. but she refused, havin' in her mind, i spoze, the girls that couldn't hunt flowers, but had to handle weeds and thistles with bare hands (metaforically) and wanted to help them and all workin' wimmen to happier and more prosperous lives. iv "strivin' with the emissary" but i am hitchin' the horse behind the wagon and to resoom backwards. the reunion wuz put off a week and the suffrage meetin' wuz two days away, so i told lorinda i didn't believe i would have a better time to carry serepta pester's errents to washington, d.c. josiah said he guessed he would stay and help wait on hiram cagwin, and i approved on't, for lorinda wuz gittin' wore out. and then josiah made so light of them errents i felt that he would be a drawback instead of a help, for how could i keep a calm and noble frame of mind befittin' them lofty errents, and how could i carry 'em stiddy with a pardner by my side pokin' fun at 'em, and at me for carryin' 'em, jarrin' my sperit with his scorfin' and onbelievin' talk? and as i sot off alone in the trolley i thought of how they must have felt in old times a-carryin' the urim and thumim. and though i hadn't no idee what them wuz, yet i always felt that the carriers of 'em must have felt solemn and high-strung. yes, my feelin's wuz such as i felt of the heft and importance of them errents not alone to serepta pester, but to the hull race of wimmen that it kep' my mental head rained up so high that i couldn't half see and enjoy the sight of the most beautiful city in the world, and still i spoze its grandeur and glory sort o' filtered down through my conscientiousness, as cloth grows white under the sun's rays onbeknown to it. anon i left the trolley and walked some ways afoot. it wuz a lovely day, the sun shone down in golden splendor upon the splendor beneath it. broad, beautiful clean streets, little fresh green parks, everywhere you could turn about, and big ones full of flowers and fountains, and trees and statutes. and anon or oftener i passed noble big stun buildings, where everything is made for the nation's good and profit. money and fish and wisdom and all sorts of patented things and garden seeds and tariffs and resolutions and treaties and laws of every shape and size, good ones and queer ones and reputations and rates and rebates, etc., etc. but it would devour too much time to even name over all that is made and onmade there, even if i knowed by name the innumerable things that are flowin' constant out of that great reservoir of the nation, with its vast crowd of law-makers settin' on the lid, regulatin' its flow and spreadin' it abroad over the country, thick and thin. but on i went past the capitol, the handsomest buildin' on the globe, standin' in its own eden of beauty. by the public library as long as from our house to grout hozleton's, and i guess longer, and every foot on't more beautifler ornamented than tongue can tell. but i didn't dally tryin' to pace off the size on't, though it wuz enormous, for the thought of what i wuz carryin' bore me on almost regardless of my matchless surroundin's and the twinges of rumatiz. and anon i arrived at the white house, where my hopes and the hopes of my sect and serepta pester wuz sot. i will pass over my efforts to git into the presence, merely sayin' that they were arjous and extreme, and i wouldn't probably have got in at all had not the presence appeared with a hat on jest goin' out for a walk, and see me as i wuz strivin' with the emissary for entrance. i spoze my noble mean, made more noble fur by the magnitude of what i wuz carryin', impressed him, for suffice it to say inside of five minutes the presence wuz back in his augience room, and i wuz layin' out them errents of serepta's in front of him. he wuz very hefty, a good-lookin' smilin' man, a politer demeanored gentlemanly appearner man i don't want to see. but his linement which had looked so pleasant and cheerful growed gloomy and deprested as i spread them errents before him and sez in conclusion: "serepta pester sent these errents to you, she wanted intemperance done away with, the whiskey ring broke up and destroyed, she wanted you to have nothin' stronger than root beer when you had company to dinner, she offerin' to send you some burdock and dandeline roots and some emptins to start it with, and she wanted her rights, and wanted 'em all by week after next without fail." he sithed hard, and i never see a linement fall furder than hisen fell, and kep' a-fallin'. i pitied him, i see it wuz a hard stent for him to do it in the time she had sot, and he so fleshy too. but knowin' how much wuz at the stake, and how the fate of serepta and wimmen wuz tremblin' in the balances, i spread them errents out before him. and bein' truthful and above board, i told him that serepta wuz middlin' disagreeable and very humbly, but she needed her rights jest as much as though she wuz a wax-doll. and i went on and told him how she and her relations had suffered from want of rights, and how dretfully she had suffered from the ring till i declare talkin' about them little children of hern, and her agony, i got about as fierce actin' as serepta herself, and entirely onbeknown to myself i talked powerful on intemperance and rings, and such. when i got down agin onto my feet i see he had a still more worried and anxious look on his good-natured face, and he sez: "the laws of the united states are such that i can't do them errands, i can't interfere." "then," sez i, "why don't you make the united states do right?" he said sunthin' about the might of the majority, and the powerful corporations and rings, and that sot me off agin. and i talked very powerful and allegored about allowin' a ring to be put round the united states and let a lot of whiskey dealers and corporations lead her round, a pitiful sight for men and angels. sez i, "how duz it look before the nations to see columbia led round half-tipsy by a ring?" he seemed to think it looked bad, i knew by his looks. sez i, "intemperance is bad for serepta and bad for the nation." he murmured sunthin' about the revenue the liquor trade brought the govermunt. but i sez, "every penny is money right out of the people's pockets; every dollar the people pay into the liquor traffic that gives a few cents into the treasury, is costin' the people ten times that dollar in the loss intemperance entails, loss of labor, by the inability of drunken men to do anything but wobble and stagger, loss of wealth by the enormous losses of property and taxation, of alms-houses, mad-houses, jails, police forces, paupers' coffins, and the diggin' of thousands and thousands of graves that are filled yearly by them that reel into 'em." sez i, "wouldn't it be better for the people to pay that dollar in the first place into the treasury than to let it filter through the dram-seller's hands, a few cents of it fallin' into the national purse at last, putrid and heavy with all these losses and curses and crimes and shames and despairs and agonies?" he seemed to think it would, i see by the looks of his linement he did. every honorable man feels so in his heart, and yet they let the liquor ring control 'em and lead 'em round. "it is queer, queer as a dog." sez i, "the intellectual and moral power of the united states are rolled up and thrust into that whiskey ring and bein' drove by the whiskey dealers jest where they want to drive 'em." sez i, "it controls new york village and nobody denies it, and the piety and philanthropy and culture and philosophy of that village has to be drawed along by that ring." and sez i, in low but startlin' tones of principle: "where, where is it a-drawin' 'em to? where is it drawin' the hull nation to? is it drawin' 'em down into a slavery ten times more abject and soul-destroyin' than african slavery ever wuz? tell me," sez i firmly, "tell me!" he did not try to frame a reply, he could not find a frame. he knowed it wuz a conundrum boundless as truth and god's justice, and as solemnly deep in its sure consequences of evil as eternity, and as sure to come as that is. oh, how solemn he looked, and how sorry i felt for him, for i knowed worse wuz to come, i knowed the sharpest arrow serepta pester had sent wuz yet to pierce his sperit. but i sort o' blunted the edge on't what i could conscientiously. sez i, "i think myself serepta is a little onreasonable, i myself am willin' to wait three or four weeks. but she's suffered dretful from intemperance from the rings and from the want of rights, and her sufferin's have made her more voylent in her demands and impatienter," and then i fairly groaned as i did the rest of the errent, and let the sharpest arrow fly from the bo. "serepta told me to tell you if you didn't do these errents you should not be president next year." he trembled like a popple leaf, and i felt that serepta wuz threatenin' him too hard. sez he, "i do not wish to be president again, i shall refuse to be nominated. at the same time i _do_ wish to be president and shall work hard for the nomination if you can understand the paradox." "yes," sez i, "i understand them paradoxes. i've lived with 'em as you may say, all through my married life." a clock struck in the next room and i knowed time wuz passin' swift. sez the president, "i would be glad to do serepta's errents, i think she is justified in askin' for her rights, and to have the ring destroyed, but i am not the one to do them." sez i, "who is the man or men?" he looked all round the room and up and down as if in hopes he could see someone layin' round on the floor, or danglin' from the ceilin', that would take the responsibility offen him, and in the very nick of time the door opened after a quick rap, and the president jumped up with a relieved look on his linement, and sez: "here is the very man to do the errents." and he hastened to introduce me to the senator who entered. and then he bid me a hasty adoo, but cordial and polite, and withdrew himself. v "he wuz dretful polite" i felt glad to have this senator do serepta's errents, but i didn't like his looks. my land! talk about serepta pester bein' disagreeable, he wuz as disagreeable as she any day. he wuz kinder tall and looked out of his eyes and wore a vest. he wuz some bald-headed, and wore a large smile all the while, it looked like a boughten one that didn't fit him, but i won't say it wuz. i presoom he'll be known by this description. but his baldness didn't look to me like josiah allen's baldness, and he didn't have the noble linement of the president, no indeed. he wuz dretful polite, good land! politeness is no name for it, but i don't like to see anybody too good. he drawed a chair up for me and himself and asked me: if he should have the inexpressible honor and delightful joy of aiding me in any way, if so to command him to do it or words to that effect. i can't put down his second-hand smiles and genteel looks and don't want to if i could. but tacklin' hard jobs as i always tackle 'em, i sot down calm in front of him with my umbrell on my lap and told him all of serepta's errents, and how i had brought 'em from jonesville on my tower. i told over all her sufferin's and wrongs from the rings and from not havin' her rights, and all her sister's azuba clapsaddle's, and her aunt cassandra keeler's, and hulda and drusilly's and abagail flanderses injustices and sufferin's. i did her errents as honorable as i'd love to have one done for me, i told him all the petickulars, and as i finished i said firmly: "now can you do serepta pesterses errents and will you?" he leaned forward with that disagreeable boughten smile of hisen and took up one corner of my mantilly, it wuz cut tab fashion, and he took up the tab and said in a low insinuatin' voice, lookin' clost at the edge of the tab: "am i mistaken, or is this beautiful creation pipein' or can it be kensington tattin'?" i drawed the tab back coldly and never dained a reply; agin he sez, in a tone of amiable anxiety, "have i not heard a rumor that bangs are going out of style? i see you do not wear your lovely hair bang-like or a-pompadouris? ah, women are lovely creatures, lovely beings, every one of 'em." and he sithed, "you are very beautiful," and he sithed agin, a sort of a deceitful lovesick sithe. i sot demute as the spinks, and a chippin' bird tappin' his wing aginst her stuny breast would move it jest as much as he moved me by his talk or his sithes. but he kep' on, puttin' on a sort of a sad injured look as if my coldness wuz ondoin' of him. "my dear madam, it is my misfortune that the topics i introduce, however carefully selected by me, do not seem to be congenial to you. have you a leanin' toward natural history, madam? have you ever studied into the habits and traits of our american wad?" "what?" sez i. for truly a woman's curosity, however parlyzed by just indignation, can stand only just so much strain. "the what?" "the wad. the animal from which is obtained the valuable fur that tailors make so much use of." sez i, "do you mean waddin' eight cents a sheet?" "eight cents a pelt--yes, the skins are plentiful and cheap, owing to the hardy habits of the animal." sez i, "cease instantly. i will hear no more." truly, i had heard much of the flattery and little talk statesmen will use to wimmen, and i'd hearn of their lies, etc.; but truly i felt that the half had not been told. and then i thought out-loud and sez: "i've hearn how laws of eternal right and justice are sot one side in washington, d.c., as bein' too triflin' to attend to, while the legislators pondered over and passed laws regardin' hen's eggs and bird's nests. but this is goin' too fur--too fur. but," sez i firmly, "i shall do serepta's errents, and do 'em to the best of my ability, and you can't draw off my attention from her wrongs and sufferin's by talkin' about wads." "i would love to obleege serepta," sez he, "because she belongs to such a lovely sect. wimmen are the loveliest, most angelic creatures that ever walked the earth; they are perfect, flawless, like snow and roses." sez i firmly, "they hain't no such thing; they are disagreeable creeters a good deal of the time. they hain't no better than men, but they ort to have their rights all the same. now serepta is disagreeable and kinder fierce actin', and jest as humbly as they make wimmen, but that hain't no sign she ort to be imposed upon; josiah sez she hadn't ort to have rights she is so humbly, but i don't feel so." "who is josiah?" sez he. sez i, "my husband." "ah, your husband! yes, wimmen should have husbands instead of rights. they do not need rights; they need freedom from all cares and sufferin'. sweet lovely beings! let them have husbands to lift them above all earthly cares and trials! oh! angels of our homes!" sez he, liftin' his eyes to the heavens and kinder shettin' 'em, some as if he wuz goin' into a spazzum. "fly around, ye angels, in your native hants; mingle not with rings and vile laws, flee away, flee above them!" and he kinder waved his hand back and forth in a floatin' fashion up in the air, as if it wuz a woman flyin' up there smooth and serene. it would have impressed some folks dretful, but it didn't me. i sez reasonably: "serepta would have been glad to flew above 'em, but the ring and the vile laws lay holt of her onbeknown to her and dragged her down. and there she is all bruised and broken-hearted by 'em. she didn't meddle with the political ring, but the ring meddled with her. how can she fly when the weight of this infamous traffic is holdin' her down?" "ahem!" sez he. "ahem, as it were. as i was saying, my dear madam, these angelic angels of our homes are too ethereal, too dainty to mingle with rude crowds. we political men would fain keep them as they are now; we are willing to stand the rude buffetin' of--of--voting, in order to guard these sweet delicate creatures from any hardships. sweet tender beings, we would fain guard thee--ah, yes, ah, yes." sez i, "cease instantly, or my sickness will increase, for such talk is like thoroughwort or lobelia to my moral and mental stomach. you know and i know that these angelic tender bein's, half-clothed, fill our streets on icy midnights, huntin' up drunken husbands and fathers and sons. they are driven to death and to moral ruin by the miserable want liquor drinkin' entails. they are starved, they are froze, they are beaten, they are made childless and hopeless by drunken husbands killin' their own flesh and blood. they go down into the cold waves and are drowned by drunken captains; they are cast from railways into death by drunken engineers; they go up on the scaffold and die for crimes committed by the direct aid of this agent of hell. "wimmen had ruther be flyin' round than to do all this, but they can't. if men really believed all they say about wimmen, and i think some on 'em do in a dreamy sentimental way--if wimmen are angels, give 'em the rights of angels. who ever hearn of a angel foldin' up her wings and goin' to a poor-house or jail through the fault of somebody else? who ever hearn of a angel bein' dragged off to police court for fightin' to defend her children and herself from a drunken husband that had broke her wings and blacked her eyes, got the angel into the fight and then she got throwed into the streets and imprisoned by it? who ever hearn of a angel havin' to take in washin' to support a drunken son or father or husband? who ever hearn of a angel goin' out as wet-nurse to git money to pay taxes on her home to a govermunt that in theory idolizes her, and practically despises her, and uses that money in ways abominable to that angel. if you want to be consistent, if you're bound to make angels of wimmen, you ort to furnish a free safe place for 'em to soar in. you ort to keep the angels from bein' tormented and bruised and killed, etc." "ahem," sez he, "as it were, ahem." but i kep' right on, for i begun to feel noble and by the side of myself: "this talk about wimmen bein' outside and above all participation in the laws of her country, is jest as pretty as anything i ever hearn, and jest as simple. why, you might jest as well throw a lot of snowflakes into the street, and say, 'some of 'em are female flakes and mustn't be trompled on.' the great march of life tromples on 'em all alike; they fall from one common sky, and are trodden down into one common ground. "men and wimmen are made with divine impulses and desires, and human needs and weaknesses, needin' the same heavenly light, and the same human aids and helps. the law should mete out to them the same rewards and punishments. "serepta sez you call wimmen angels, and you don't give 'em the rights of the lowest beasts that crawl on the earth. and serepta told me to tell you that she didn't ask the rights of a angel; she would be perfectly contented and proud, if you would give her the rights of a dog--the assured political rights of a yeller dog.' she said yeller and i'm bound on doin' her 'errent jest as she wanted it done, word for word. "a dog, serepta sez, don't have to be hung if it breaks the laws it is not allowed any hand in making; a dog don't have to pay taxes on its bone to a govermunt that withholds every right of citizenship from it; a dog hain't called undogly if it is industrious and hunts quietly round for its bone to the best of its ability, and tries to git its share of the crumbs that falls from that table bills are laid on. "a dog hain't preached to about its duty to keep home sweet and sacred, and then see that home turned into a place of danger and torment under laws that these very preachers have made legal and respectable. a dog don't have to see its property taxed to advance laws it believes ruinous, and that breaks its own heart and the heart of other dear dogs. a dog don't have to listen to soul-sickening speeches from them that deny it freedom and justice, about its bein' a damask rose and a seraph, when it knows it hain't; it knows, if it knows anything, that it is jest a plain dog. "you see serepta has been embittered by the trials that politics, corrupt legislation have brought right onto her. she didn't want nothin' to do with 'em, but they come onto her onexpected and onbeknown, and she feels that she must do everything she can to alter matters. she wants to help make the laws that have such a overpowerin' influence over her. she believes they can't be much worse than they are now, and may be a little better." "ah," interrupted the senator, "if serepta wishes to change political affairs, let her influence her children, her boys, and they will carry her benign and noble influence forward into the centuries." "but the law took her boy, her little boy and girl, away from her. through the influence of the whiskey ring, of which her husband wuz a shinin' member, he got possession of her boy. and so the law has made it perfectly impossible for her to mould it indirectly through him, what serepta duz she must do herself." "ah! my dear woman. a sad thing for serepta; i trust _you_ have no grievance of this kind, i trust that your estimable husband is, as it were, estimable." "yes, josiah allen is a good man, as good as men can be. you know men or wimmen can't be only jest about so good anyway. but he's my choice, and he don't drink a drop." "pardon me, madam, but if you are happy in your married relations, and your husband is a temperate good man, why do you feel so upon this subject?" "why, good land! if you understood the nature of a woman you would know my love for him, my happiness, the content and safety i feel about him and our boy, makes me realize the sufferin's of serepta in havin' her husband and boy lost to her; makes me realize the depth of a wife's and mother's agony when she sees the one she loves goin' down, down so low she can't reach him; makes me feel how she must yearn to help him in some safe sure way. "high trees cast long shadows. the happier and more blessed a woman's life is, the more duz she feel for them that are less blessed than she. highest love goes lowest, like that love that left heaven and descended to earth, and into it that he might lift up the lowly. the pityin' words of him who went about pleasin' not himself, hants me and inspires me; i'm sorry for serepta, sorry for the hull wimmen race of the nation, and for the men too. lots of 'em are good creeters, better than wimmen, some on 'em. they want to do right, but don't exactly see the way to do it. in the old slavery times some of the masters wuz more to be pitied than the slaves. they could see the injustice, feel the wrong they wuz doin', but old chains of custom bound 'em, social customs and idees had hardened into habits of thought. "they realized the size and heft of the evil, but didn't know how to grapple with it, and throw it. so now, many men see the evils of this time, want to help, but don't know the best way to lay holt of 'em. life is a curious conundrum anyway, and hard to guess. but we can try to git the right answer to it as fur as we can. serepta feels that one of the answers to the conundrum is in gittin' her rights. i myself have got all the rights i need or want, as fur as my own happiness is concerned. my home is my castle (a story and a half wooden one, but dear). my towers elevate me, the companionship of my friends give social happiness, our children are prosperous and happy. we have property enough for all the comforts of life. and above all other things my josiah is my love and my theme." "ah, yes!" sez he, "love is a woman's empire, and in that she should find her full content--her entire happiness and thought. a womanly woman will not look outside that lovely and safe and beautious empire." sez i firmly, "if she hain't a idiot she can't help it. love is the most beautiful thing on earth, the most holy and satisfyin'. but i do not ask you as a politician, but as a human bein', which would you like best, the love of a strong, earnest tender nature, for in man or woman 'the strongest are the tenderest, the loving are the daring,' which would you like best, the love and respect of such a nature full of wit, of tenderness, of infinite variety, or the love of a fool? "a fool's love is wearin', it is insipid at best, and it turns to vinegar. why, sweetened water must turn to vinegar, it is its nater. and if a woman is bright and true-hearted, she can't help seein' through an injustice. she may be happy in her own home. domestic affection, social enjoyments, the delights of a cultured home and society, and the companionship of the man she loves and who loves her, will, if she is a true woman, satisfy her own personal needs and desires, and she would far ruther for her own selfish happiness rest quietly in that love, that most blessed home. "but the bright quick intellect that delights you can't help seein' an injustice, can't help seein' through shams of all kinds, sham sentiment, sham compliments, sham justice. the tender lovin' nature that blesses your life can't help feelin' pity for them less blessed than herself. she looks down through the love-guarded lattice of her home from which your care would fain bar out all sights of woe and squaler, she looks down and sees the weary toilers below, the hopeless, the wretched. she sees the steep hills they have to climb, carryin' their crosses, she sees 'em go down into the mire, dragged there by the love that should lift 'em up. she would not be the woman you love if she could restrain her hand from liftin' up the fallen, wipin' tears from weepin' eyes, speakin' brave words for them that can't speak for themselves. the very strength of her affection that would hold you up if you were in trouble or disgrace yearns to help all sorrowin' hearts. "down in your heart you can't help admirin' her for this, we can't help respectin' the one that advocates the right, the true, even if they are our conquerors. wimmen hain't angels; now to be candid, you know they hain't. they hain't any better than men. men are considerable likely; and it seems curious to me that they should act so in this one thing. for men ort to be more honest and open than wimmen. they hain't had to cajole and wheedle and use little trickeries and deceits and indirect ways as wimmen have. why, cramp a tree limb and see if it will grow as straight and vigorous as it would in full freedom and sunshine. "men ort to be nobler than women, sincerer, braver. and they ort to be ashamed of this one trick of theirn, for they know they hain't honest in it, they hain't generous. give wimmen two or three generations of moral and legal freedom and see if men will laugh at 'em for their little deceits and affectations. no, men will be gentler, and wimmen nobler, and they will both come nearer bein' angels, though most probable they won't be any too good then, i hain't a mite afraid of it." vi "concerning moth-millers and minny fish" the senator kinder sithed, and that sithe sort o' brought me down onto my feet agin as it were, and a sense of my duty, and i spoke out agin: "can you and will you do serepta's errents?" he evaded a direct answer by sayin', "as you alluded to the little indirect ways of women, dearest madam, you will pardon me for saying that it is my belief that the soft gentle brains of females are unfitted for the deep hard problems men have to grapple with. they are too doll-like, too angelically and sweetly frivolous." "no doubt," sez i, "some wimmen are frivolous and some men foolish, for as mrs. poyser said, 'god made women to match the men,' but these few hadn't ort to disfranchise the hull race of men and wimmen. and as to soft brains, maria mitchell discovered planets hid from masculine eyes from the beginnin' of time, and do you think that wimmen can't see the black spots on the body politic, that darkens the life of her and her children? "madame curie discovered the light that looks through solid wood and iron, and you think wimmen can't see through unjust laws and practices, the rampant evils of to-day, and see what is on the other side, see a remedy for 'em. florence nightingale could mother and help cure an army, and why hain't men willin' to let wimmen help cure a sick legislation, kinder mother it, and encourage it to do better? she might much better be doin' that, than playin' bridge-whist, or rastlin' with hobble skirts, and it wouldn't devour any more time." he sot demute for a few minutes and then he sez, "while on the subject of women's achievements, dearest madam, allow me to ask you, if they have reached the importance you claim for them, why is it that so few women are made immortal by bein' represented in the hall of fame? and why are the four or five females represented there put away by themselves in a remote unadorned corner with no roof to protect them from the rough winds and storms that beat upon them?" sez i, "that's a good illustration of what i've been sayin'. it wuz owin' to a woman's gift that america has a hall of fame, and it would seem that common courtesy would give wimmen an equally desirable place amongst the immortals. do you spoze that if women formed half the committee of selection--which they should since it wuz a woman's gift that made such a place possible--do you spoze that if she had an equal voice with men, the names of noble wimmen would be tucked away in a remote unroofed corner? "edgar allan poe's genius wuz worthy a place among the immortals, no doubt; his poems and stories excite wonder and admiration. but do they move the soul like mrs. stowe's immortal story that thrilled the world and helped free a race?--yes, two races--for the curse of slavery held the white race in bondage, too. yet she and her three or four woman companions face the stormy winds in an out-of-the-way corner, while poe occupies his honorable sightly place among his fifty or more male companions. "wimmen have always been admonished to not strive for right and justice but to lean on men's generosity and chivalry. here wuz a place where that chivalry would have shone, but it didn't seem to materialize, and if wimmen had leaned on it, it would have proved a weak staff, indeed. "such things as this are constantly occurring and show plain that wimmen needs the ballot to protect her from all sorts of wrongs and indignities. men take wimmen's money, as they did here, and use it to uplift themselves, and lower her, like taxin' her heavily and often unjustly and usin' this money to help forward unjust laws which she abominates. and so it goes on, and will, until women are men's equals legally and politically." "ahem--you present things in a new light. i never looked at this matter with your eyes." "no, you looked at 'em through a man's eyes; such things are so customary that men do 'em without thinkin', from habit and custom, like hushin' up children's talk, when they interrupt grown-ups." agin he sot demute for a short space, and then said, "i feel that natural human instinct is aginst the change. in savage races that knew nothin' of civilization, male force and strength always ruled." "why," sez i, "history tells us of savage races where wimmen always rule, though i don't think they ort to--ability and goodness ort to rule." "nature is aginst it," sez he. but i sez firmly, "bees and lots of other insects and animals always have a female for queen and ruler. they rule blindly and entirely, right on through the centuries, but we are enlightened and should not encourage it. in my opinion the male bee has just as good a right to be monarch as his female pardner has, if he is as good and knows as much. i never believed in the female workin' ones killin' off the male drones to save winterin' 'em; they might give 'em some light chores to do round the hive to pay for their board. i love justice and that would be _my_ way." agin he sithed. "modern history don't seem to favor the scheme--" but his axent wuz as weak as a cat and his boughten smile seemed crackin' and wearin' out; he knowed better. sez i, "we won't argy long on that p'int, for i might overwhelm you if i approved of overwhelmin', but, will merely ask you to cast one eye on england. was the rain of victoria the good less peaceful and prosperous than that of the male rulers who preceded her? and you can then throw your other eye over to holland: is their sweet queen less worthy and beloved to-day than other european monarchs? and is her throne more shaky and tottlin' than theirn?" he didn't try to dispute me and bowed his head on his breast in a almost meachin' way. he knowed he wuz beat on every side, and almost to the end of his chain of rusty, broken old arguments. but anon he brightened up agin and sez, ketchin' holt of the last shackly link of his argument: "you seem to place a great deal of dependence on the bible. the bible is aginst the idee. the bible teaches man's supremacy, man's absolute power and might and authority." "why, how you talk," sez i. "in the very first chapter the bible tells how man wuz turned right round by a woman, tells how she not only turned man round to do as she wanted him to, but turned the hull world over. "that hain't nothin' i approve of; i don't speak of it because i like the idee. that wuzn't done in a open honorable manner as things should be done. no, eve ruled by indirect influence, the gently influencing men way, that politicians are so fond of. and she brought ruin and destruction onto the hull world by it. "a few years later when men and wimmen grew wiser, when we hear of wimmen rulin' israel openly and honestly, like miriam, deborah and other likely old four mothers, things went on better. they didn't act meachin' and tempt, and act indirect." he sithed powerful and sot round oneasy in his chair. and sez he, "i thought wimmen wuz taught by the bible to serve and love their homes." "so they be. and every true woman loves to serve. home is my supreme happiness and delight, and my best happiness is found in servin' them i love. but i must tell the truth, in the house or outdoors." sez he faintly, "the old testament may teach that women have some strength and power. but in the new testament in every great undertaken' and plan men have been chosen by god to carry them through." "why-ee!" sez i, "how you talk! have you ever read the bible?" he said evasively, his grandmother owned one, and he had seen it in early youth. and then he went on in a sort of apologizin' way. he had always meant to read it, but he had entered political life at an early age where the bible wuzn't popular, and he believed that he had never read further than the epistles of gulliver to the liliputians. sez i, "that hain't bible, there hain't no gulliver in it, and you mean galatians." well, he said, that might be it, it wuz some man he knew, and he had always heard and believed that man wuz the only worker that god had chosen. "why," sez i, "the one great theme of the new testament--the salvation of the world through the birth of christ--no man had anything to do with. our divine lord wuz born of god and woman. heavenly plan of redemption for fallen humanity. god himself called woman into that work, the divine work of saving a world, and why shouldn't she continue in it? god called her. mary had no dream of publicity, no desire of a world's work of suffering and renunciation. the soft air of galilee wropped her about in its sweet content, as she dreamed her quiet dreams in maiden peace--dreamed, perhaps, of domestic love and happiness. "from that sweetest silence, the restful peace of happy innocent girlhood, god called her to her divine work of helpin' redeem a world from sin. and did not this woman's love and willin' obedience, and sufferin' set her apart, baptize her for this work of liftin' up the fallen, helpin' the weak? [illustration: "he'd entered political life where the bible wuzn't popular; he'd never read further than gulliver's epistle to the liliputians."] "is it not a part of woman's life that she gave at the birth and crucifixion? her faith, her hope, her sufferin', her glow of divine pity and joyful martyrdom. these, mingled with the divine, the pure heavenly, have they not for nineteen hundred years been blessin' the world? the god in christ would awe us too much; we would shield our eyes from the too blindin' glory of the pure god-like. but the tender christ who wept over a sinful city, and the grave of his friend, who stopped dyin' on the cross to comfort his mother's heart, provide for her future--it is this womanly element in our lord's nature that makes us dare to approach him, dare to kneel at his feet? "and since woman wuz so blessed as to be counted worthy to be co-worker with god in the beginnin' of the world's redemption; since he called her from the quiet obscurity of womanly rest and peace into the blessed martyrdom of renunciation and toil and sufferin', all to help a world that cared nothin' for her, that cried out shame upon her. "he will help her carry on the work of helpin' a sinful world. he will protect her in it, she cannot be harmed or hindered, for the cause she loves of helpin' men and wimmen, is god's cause too, and god will take care of his own. herods full of greed and frightened selfishness may try to break her heart by efforts to kill the child she loves, but she will hold it so clost to her bosom he can't destroy it; and the light of the divine will go before her, showin' the way through the desert and wilderness mebby, but she shall bear it into safety." "you spoke of herod," sez he dreamily, "the name sounds familiar to me. was not mr. herod once in the united states senate?" "not that one," sez i. "he died some time ago, but i guess he has relatives there now, judgin' from laws made there. you ask who herod wuz, and as it all seems a new story to you, i will tell you. when the saviour of the world wuz born in bethlehem, and a woman wuz tryin' to save his life, a man by the name of herod wuz tryin' his best out of selfishness and greed to murder him." "ah! that was not right in herod." "no, it hain't been called so. and what wuzn't right in him hain't right in his relations who are tryin' to do the same thing to-day. sellin' for money the right to destroy the child the mother carries on her heart. surroundin' him with temptations so murderous, yet so enticin' to youthful spirits, that the mother feels that as the laws are now, the grave is the only place of safety that god himself can find for her boy. but because herod wuz so mean it hain't no sign that all men are mean. joseph wuz as likely as he could be." "joseph?" sez he pensively. "do you allude to our venerable speaker, joe cannon?" "no," sez i. "i'm talkin' bible--i'm talkin' about joseph; jest plain joseph." "ah! i see. i am not fully familiar with that work. being so engrossed in politics, and political literature, i don't git any time to devote to less important publications." sez i candidly, "i knew you hadn't read it the minute you mentioned the book of liliputians. but as i wuz sayin', joseph wuz a likely man. he had the strength to lead the way, overcome obstacles, keep dangers from mary, protect her tenderer form with the mantilly of his generous devotion. "_but she carried the child on her bosom_; ponderin' high things in her heart that joseph never dreamed of. that is what is wanted now, and in the future. the man and the woman walkin' side by side. he a little ahead, mebby, to keep off dangers by his greater strength and courage. she a-carryin' the infant christ of love, bearin' the baby peace in her bosom, carryin' it into safety from them that seek to destroy it. "and as i said before, if god called woman into this work, he will enable her to carry it through. he will protect her from her own weaknesses, and the misapprehensions and hard judgments and injustices of a gain-sayin' world. "yes, the star of hope is risin' in the sky brighter and brighter, and wise men are even now comin' to the mother of the new redeemer, led by the star." he sot demute. silence rained for some time; and finally i spoke out solemnly through the rain: "will you do serepta's errents? will you give her her rights? and will you break the whiskey ring?" he said he would love to do the errents, i had convinced him that it would be just and right to do 'em, but the constitution of the united states stood up firm aginst 'em. as the laws of the united states wuz, he could not make any move toward doin' either of the errents. sez i, "can't the laws be changed?" "be changed? change the laws of the united states? tamper with the glorious constitution that our fore-fathers left us--an immortal sacred legacy." he jumped up on his feet and his second-hand smile fell off. he kinder shook as if he wuz skairt most to death and tremblin' with horrow. he did it to skair me, i knew, but i knowed i meant well towards the constitution and our old forefathers; and my principles stiddied me and held me firm and serene. and when he asked me agin in tones full of awe and horrow: "can it be that i heard my ear aright? or did you speak of changin' the unalterable laws of the united states--tampering with the constitution?" "yes, that is what i said. hain't they never been changed?" he dropped that skairful look and put on a firm judicial one. he see that he could not skair me to death; an' sez he, "oh, yes, they've been changed in cases of necessity." sez i, "for instance durin' the oncivil war it wuz changed to make northern men cheap bloodhounds and hunters." "yes," he said, "it seemed to be a case of necessity and economy." "i know it," sez i; "men wuz cheaper than any other breed of bloodhounds the slave-holders could employ to hunt men and wimmen with, and more faithful." "yes," he said, "it wuz a case of clear economy." and sez i: "the laws have been changed to benefit liquor dealers." "well, yes," he said, "it had been changed to enable whiskey dealers to utilize the surplus liquor they import." sez he, gittin' kinder animated, for he wuz on a congenial and familar theme, "nobody, the best calculators in drunkards, can exactly calculate how much whiskey will be drunk in a year; and so, ruther than have the whiskey dealers suffer loss, the law had to be changed. and then," sez he, growin' still more candid in his excitement, "we are makin' a powerful effort to change the laws now so as to take the tax off of whiskey, so it can be sold cheaper, and obtained in greater quantities by the masses. any such great laws would justify a change in the constitution and the laws; but for any frivolous cause, any trivial cause, madam, we male custodians of the sacred constitution stand as walls of iron before it, guarding it from any shadow of change. faithful we will be, faithful unto death." sez i, "as it has been changed, it can be agin. and you jest said i had convinced you that serepta's errents wuz errents of truth and justice, and you would love to do 'em." "well, yes, yes--i would love to--as it were--. but, my dear madam, much as i would like to oblige you, i have not the time to devote to the cause of right and justice. i don't think you realize the constant pressure of hard work that is ageing us and wearing us out, before our day. "as i said, we have to watch the liquor interest constantly to see that the liquor dealers suffer no loss--we have to do that, of course." and he continued dreamily, as if losin' sight of me and talkin' to himself: "the wealthy corporations and trusts, we have to condemn them loudly to please the common people, and help 'em secretly to please ourselves, or our richest perkisits are lost. the canal ring, the indian agency, the land grabbers, the political bosses. in fact, we are surrounded by a host of bandits that we have to appease and profit by; oh, how these matters wear into the gray matter of our brains!" "gray matter!" sez i, with my nose uplifted to its extremest height, "i should call it black matter!" "well, the name is immaterial, but these labors, though pocket filling, are brain wearing. and of late i and the rest of our loyal henchmen have been worn out in our labors in tariff revision. you know how we claim to help the common people by the revision; you've probable read about it in the papers." "yes," sez i coldly, "i've hearn _talk_." "yes," sez he, "but if we do succeed, after the most strenious efforts in getting the duty off champagne, green turtle, olives, etc., and put on to sugar, tea, cotton cloth and such like, with all this brain fag and brain labor--" "and tongue labor!" sez i in a icy axent. "yes, after all this ceaseless toil the common people will not show any gratitude; we statesmen labor oft with aching hearts." and he leaned his forward on his hand and sithed. but my looks wuz like ice-suckles on the north side of a barn. and i stopped his complaints and his sithes by askin' in a voice that demanded a reply: "can you and will you do serepta's errents? errents full of truth and justice and eternal right?" he said he knew they wuz jest runnin' over with them qualities, but happy as it would make him to do 'em, he had to refuse owin' to the fur more important matters he had named, and the many, many other laws and preambles that he hadn't time to name over to me. "mebby you have heard," sez he, "that we are now engaged in making most important laws concerning moth-millers, and minny fish, and hog cholera. and take it with these important bills and the constant strain on our minds in tryin' to pass laws to increase our own salaries, you can see jest how cramped we are for time. and though we would love to pass some laws of truth and righteousness--we fairly ache to--yet not havin' the requisite time we are forced to lay 'em on the table or under it." "well," sez i, "i guess i may as well be a-goin'." and i bid him a cool goodbye and started for the door. but jest as my hand wuz on the nub he jumped up and opened the door, wearin' that boughten second-hand smile agin on his linement, and sez he: "dear madam, perhaps senator b. will do the errents for you." sez i, "where is senator b.?" and he said i would find him at his post of duty at the capitol. "well," i said, "i will hunt up the post," and did. a grand enough place for a emperor or a zar is the capitol of our great nation where i found him, a good natured lookin' boy in buttons showin' me the post. vii "no hamperin' hitchin' straps" well, senator b. wanted to do the errents but said it wuz not his place, and sent me to senator c., and he almost cried, he wanted to do 'em so bad, but stern duty tied him to his post, he said, and he sent me to senator d., and he _did_ cry onto his handkerchief, he wanted to do the errents so bad, and said it would be such a good thing to have 'em done. he bust right into tears as he said he had to refuse to do 'em. whether they wuz wet tears or dry ones i couldn't tell, his handkerchief wuz so big, but i hearn his sithes, and they wuz deep and powerful ones. but as i sez to him, "wet tears, nor dry ones, nor windy sithes didn't help do the errents." so i went on his sobbin' advice to senator e., and he wuz huffy and didn't want to do 'em and said so. and said his wife had thirteen children, and wimmen instead of votin' ort to go and do likewise. and i told him it wouldn't look well in onmarried wimmen and widders, and if they should foller her example folks would talk. and he said, "they ort to marry." and i said, "as the fashion is now, wimmen had to wait for some man to ask 'em, and if they didn't come up to the mark and ask 'em, who wuz to blame?" he wouldn't answer, and looked sulky, but honest, and wouldn't tell me who to go to to git the errents done. but jest outside his door i met the senator i had left sobbin' over the errents. he looked real hilarious, but drawed his face down when he ketched my eye, and sithed several times, and sent me to senator f. and he sent me to senator g. and suffice it to say i wuz sent round, and talked to, and cried at, and sulked to, and smiled at and scowled at, and encouraged and discouraged, 'till my head swum and my knees wobbled under me. and with all my efforts and outlay of oratory and shue leather not one of serepta pester's errents could i git done, and no hopes held out of their ever bein' done. and about the middle of the afternoon i gin up, there wuz no use in tryin' any longer and i turned my weary tracks towards the outside door. but as bad as i felt, i couldn't help my sperit bein' lifted up some by the grandeur about me. oh, my land! to stand in the immense hall and look up, and up, and see all the colors of the rain-bow and see what wonderful pictures there wuz up there in the sky above me as it were. why, it seemed curiouser than any northern lights i ever see in my life, and they stream up dretful curious sometimes. and as i walked through that lofty and most beautiful place and realized the size and majestic proportions of the buildin' i wondered to myself that a small law, a little unjust law could ever be passed in such grand and magnificent surroundin's. and i sez to myself, it can't be the fault of the place anyway; the law-makers have a chance for their souls to soar if they want to, here is room and to spare to pass laws big as elephants and camels, and i wondered that they should ever try to pass laws as small as muskeeters and nats. thinkses i, i wonder them little laws don't git to strollin' round and git lost in them magnificent corridors. but i consoled myself, thinkin' it wouldn't be no great loss if they did. but right here, as i wuz thinkin' on these deep and lofty subjects, i met the good natured young chap that had showed me round and he sez: "you look fatigued, mom." (soarin' even to yourself is tuckerin'.) "you look very fatigued; won't you take something?" i looked at him with a curious silent sort of a look; for i didn't know what he meant. agin he looked clost at me and sort o' pityin'; and sez he, "you look tired out, mom. won't you take something? let me treat you to something; what will you take, mom?" i thought he wuz actin' dretful liberal, but i knew they had strange ways in washington anyway. and i didn't know but it wuz their way to make some present to every woman that comes there, and i didn't want to act awkward and out of style, so i sez: "i don't want to take anything, and don't see any reason why you should insist on't. but if i have got to take sunthin' i had jest as soon have a few yards of factory cloth as anything. that always comes handy." i thought that if he wuz determined to treat me to show his good feelin's towards me, i would git sunthin' useful and that would do me some good, else what wuz the good of bein' treated? and i thought that if i had got to take a present from a strange man, i would make a shirt for josiah out of it. i thought that would save jealousy and make it right so fur as goodness went. "but," sez he, "i mean beer or wine or liquor of some kind." i riz right up in my shues and dignity, and glared at him. sez he, "there is a saloon right here handy in the buildin'." sez i in awful axents, "it is very appropriate to have it here handy!" sez i, "liquor duz more towards makin' the laws of the united states from caucus to convention than anything else duz, and it is highly proper to have it here so they can soak the laws in it right off before they lay 'em onto the table or under 'em, or pass 'em onto the people. it is highly appropriate," sez i. "yes," sez he. "it is very handy for the senators and congressmen, and let me get you a glass." "no, you won't!" sez i firmly. "the nation suffers enough from that room now without havin' josiah allen's wife let in." sez he, "if you have any feeling of delicacy in goin' in there, let me make some wine here. i will get a glass of water and make you some pure grape wine, or french brandy, or corn or rye whiskey. i have all the drugs right here." and he took a little box out of his pocket. "my father is a importer of rare old wines, and i know just how it is done. i have 'em all here, capsicum, coculus indicus, alum, copperas, strychnine; i will make some of the choicest, oldest, and purest imported liquors we have in the country, in five minutes if you say so." "no!" sez i firmly, "when i want to foller cleopatra's fashion and commit suicide, i will hire a rattlesnake and take my pizen as she did, on the outside." well, i got back to hiram cagwin's tired as a dog, and serepta's errents ondone. but my conscience opholded me and told me i had done my very best, and man or woman can do no more. well, the next day but one wuz the big outdoor suffrage meetin'. and we sot off in good season, hiram feelin' well enough to be left with the hired help. polly started before we did with some of her college mates, lookin' pretty as a pink with a red rose pinned over a achin' heart, so i spoze, for she loved the young man who wuz out with another girl may-flowering. burnin' zeal and lofty principle can't take the place in a woman's heart of love and domestic happiness, and men needn't be afraid it will. there is no more danger on't than there is of a settin' hen wantin' to leave her nest to be a commercial traveler. nature has made laws for wimmen and hens that no ballot, male or female, can upset. josiah and lorinda and i went in the trolley in good season, so's to git a sightly place, lorinda protestin' all the time aginst the indelicacy and impropriety of wimmen's appearin' in outdoor meetin's, forgittin', i spose, the dense procession of wimmen that fills the avenues every day, follerin' fashion and display. as nigh as i could make out the impropriety consisted in wimmen's follerin' after justice and right. josiah's face looked dubersome. i guess he wuz worryin' over his offer to represent me, and thinkin' of aunt susan and the twins. but as it turned out i met diantha while josiah wuz in a shop buyin' some peppermint lozengers, and she said her niece had come from the west, and they got along all right. so that lifted my burden. but i thought best not to tell josiah, as he wuz so bound to represent me. i thought it wouldn't do any hurt to let him think it over about the job a man took on himself when he sot out to represent a woman. they wouldn't like it in lots of ways, as willin' as they seem to be in print. wimmen go through lots of things calm and patient that would make a man flinch and shy off like a balky horse, and visey versey. i wouldn't want to represent josiah lots of times, breakin' colts, ploughin' greensward, cuttin' cord-wood etc., etc. men and wimmen want equal legal rights to represent themselves and their own sex which are different, and always must be, and both sexes don't want to be hampered and sot down on by the other one. that is gauldin' to human nater, male or female. we got a good place nigh the speakers' stand, and we hadn't stood there long before the parade hove in sight, the yeller banners streamin' out like sunshine on a rainy day, police outriders, music, etc. more than a hundred automobiles led the parade and five times as many wimmen walkin' afoot. a big grand-stand with the lady speakers and their friends on it, all dressed pretty as pinks. for the old idee that suffragists don't care for attractive dress and domestic life wuz exploded long ago, and many other old superstitions went up in the blaze. those of us who have gray hair can remember when if a man spoke favorably of women's rights the sarcastic question was asked him: "how old is susan b. anthony?" and this fine wit and cuttin' ridicule would silence argument and quench the spirit of the upholder. but the world moves. susan's memory is beloved and revered, and the contemptious ridicule of the onthinkin' and ignorant only nourished the laurels the world lays on her tomb. at that time accordin' to popular opinion a suffragist wuz a slatternly woman with uncombed locks, dangling shoe strings, and bloomers, stridin' through an unswept house onmindful of dirty children or hungry husband, but the world moves onward and public opinion with it. suffragists are the best mothers, the best housekeepers, the best dressers of any wimmen in the land. search the records and you'll find it so, and why? because they know sunthin', it takes common sense to make a gooseberry pie as it ort to be. and the more a woman knows and the more justice she demands, the better for her husband. the same sperit that rebels at tyranny and injustice rebels at dirt, disorder, discomfort, and all unpleasant conditions. i looked ahead with my mind's eye and see them pretty college girls settled down in pleasant homes of their own, where sanitary laws prevailed, where the babies wuzn't fed pickles and cabbage, and kep' in air-tight enclosures. where the husbands did not have to go outside their own homes to find cheer and comfort, and intelligent conversation, and where love and common sense walked hand in hand toward happiness and contentment, justice, with her blinders offen her eyes, goin' ahead on 'em. i never liked the idee of justice wearin' them bandages over her eyes. she ort to have both eyes open; if anybody ever needed good eyesight she duz, to choose the straight and narrer road, lookin' backward to see the mistakes she has made in the past, so's to shun 'em in the future, and lookin' all round her in the present to see where she can help matters, and lookin' fur off in the future to the bright dawn of a tomorrow. to the shinin' mount of equal rights and full liberty. where she sees men and wimmen standin' side by side with no halters or hamperin' hitchin' straps on either on 'em. he more gentle and considerate, and she less cowardly and emotional. good land! what could justice do blind in one eye and wimmen on the blind side? but good sensible wimmen are reachin' up and pullin' the bandages offen her eyes. she's in a fair way to git her eyesight. but i'm eppisodin', and to resoom forward. viii "old mom nater listenin'" there wuz some pleasant talkin' and jokin' between bystanders and suffragettes, and then some good natured but keen and sensible speeches. and one pretty speaker told about the doin's at albany and washington. how women's respectful pleas for justice are treated there. how the law-makers, born and nussed by wimmen and dependent on 'em for comfort and happiness, use the wimmen's tax money to help make laws makin' her of no legal importance only as helpless figgers to hang taxation and punishment on. old mom nater had been listenin' clost, her sky-blue eyes shinin' with joy to see her own sect present such a noble appearance in the parade. but when these insults and indignities wuz brung up to her mind agin and she realized afresh how wimmen couldn't git no more rights accorded to her than a dog or a hen, and worse. for a hen or a dog wouldn't be taxed to raise money for turkle soup and shampain to nourish the law-makers whilst they made the laws agin 'em--mom nater's eyes clouded over with indignation and resentment, and she boo-hooed right out a-cryin'. helpless tears, of no more account than other females have shed, and will, as they set on their hard benches with idiots, lunaticks, and criminals. of course she wiped up her tears pretty soon, not willin' to lose any of the wimmen's bright speeches. but when her tear-drops fell fast, josiah sez to me, "you'll see them wimmen run like hikers now, wimmen always thought more of shiffon and fol-de-rols than they did of principle." but i sez, "wait and see," (we wuz under a awnin' and protected). but the young and pretty speaker who wore a light silk dress and exquisite bunnet, kep' right on talkin' jest as calmly as if she didn't know her pretty dress wuz bein' spilte and her bunnet gittin' wet as sop, and i sez to josiah: "when wimmen are so in earnest, and want anything so much they can stand soakin' in their best dresses, and let their sunday bunnets be spilte on their heads, not noticin' 'em seemin'ly, but keep right on pleadin' for right and justice, they are in a fair way of gittin' what they are after." he looked kinder meachin' but didn't dispute me. the speeches wuz beautiful and convincin', and pretty soon old mom nater stopped cryin' to hear 'em, and she and i both listened full of joy and happiness to see with what eloquence and justice our sect wuz pleadin' our cause. their arguments wuz so reasonable and convincin' that i said to myself, i don't see how anybody can help bein' converted to this righteous cause, the liftin' up of wimmen from her uncomfortable crouchin' poster with criminals and idiots, up to the place she should occupy by the side of other good citizens of the united states, with all the legal and moral rights that go with that noble title. and right whilst i wuz thinkin' this, sunthin' wuz happenin' that proved i wuz right in my eppisodin', and somebody awful sot agin it wuz bein' converted then and there (but of this more anon and bom-bye). we stayed till we heard the last word of the last speech, i happy and proud in sperit, lorinda partly converted, she couldn't help it, though she wouldn't own up to it at that juncter. and josiah lookin' real deprested, the thought of representin' me wuz worryin' him i knew, for i hearn him say (soty vosy), "represent wimmen or not, i hain't goin' to set up all night with no old woman, and lift her round, nor dry nuss no twins." and thinkin' his sperit wuz pierced to a sufficient depth by his apprehension, so reason could be planted and take root, and he wouldn't be so anxious in the future to represent a woman, i told him what diantha said and we all went home in good sperits. the sun shone clear, the rain had washed the face of the earth till it shone, and everything looked gay and joyous. when we got to lorinda's we see a auto standin' in front of the door full of flowery branches in front and the pink posies lookin' no more bright and rosy than the faces of the two young folks settin' there. it wuz polly and royal. it seemed that when he and maud got back from the country (and they didn't stay long, royal wuz so restless and oneasy) maud insisted on his takin' her to the suffrage meetin' jest to make fun on't, so i spoze. she thought she had rubbed out polly's image and made a impression herself on royal's heart that only needed stompin' in a little deeper, and she thought ridicule would be the stomper she needed. but when they got to the meetin' and he see polly settin' like a lily amongst flowers, and read in her lovely face the earnest desire to lift the burden from the heavy laden, comfort the sorrowful, right the wrong, and do what she could in her day and generation-i spoze his eyes could only see her sweet face. but he couldn't help his ears from hearin' the reasonable, eloquent words of earnest and womanly wimmen, so full of good sense and truth and justice that no reasonable person could dispute 'em, and when he contrasted all this with the sneerin' face, the sarcastic egotistic prattle of maud, the veil dropped from his eyes, and he see with the new vision. you know how it wuz with saul the scoffer who went breathin' out vengeance, and eternal right stopped him on his way with its great light. well, i spoze it wuz a bright ray from that same light that shone down into royal's heart and made him see. he wuz always good hearted and generous--men have always been better than the laws they have made. he left maud at her home not fur away and hastened back, way-laid polly, and bore her home in triumph and a thirty-horse-power car. it don't make much difference i spoze how or where anybody is converted. the bible speaks of some bein' ketched out of the fire, and i spoze it is about the same if they are ketched out of the rain. 'tennyrate the same rain that washed some of the color off maud's cheeks, seemed to wash away the blindin' mist of prejudice and antagonism from royal's mental vision, leavin' his sperit ready for the great white light of truth and justice to strike in. and that very day and hour he come round to polly's way of thinkin', and bein' smart as a whip and so rich, i suppose he will be a great accusation to the cause. well, the next day but one the allens met in a pleasant grove on the river shore and we had a good growin' time. royal bein' as you may say one of the family, took us all to the grove in his big tourin' car, and the fourth trip he took polly alone, and wuzn't it queer that, though the load wuz fur lighter, it took him three times as long as the other three trips together? why, they never got there till dinner wuz on the table, and then they didn't seem to care a mite about the extra good food. but i made allowances, for as i looked into their glowin' faces i knowed they wuz partakin' of fruit from the full branches of first love, true love. rich fruit that gives the divinest satisfaction of any this old earth affords. food that never changes through the centuries, though fashion often changes, and riotous plenty or food famine may exalt or depress the sperit of the householder. nothin' but time has any power over this divine fruitage. he gradually, as the light of the honeymoon wanes, whets his old scythe and mows down some of the luxuriant branches, either cuttin' a full swath, or one at a time, and the blessed consumers have to come down to the ordinary food of mortals. but this wuz still fur away from them. and i knowed too that the ordinary food of ordinary mortals partook of under the full harvest moon of domestic comfort and contentment wuz not to be despised, though fur different. and the light fur different from the glow and the glamour that wropped them two together and all the rest of the world away from 'em. but i'm eppisodin' too much, and to resoom forward. as i said, we had a happy growin' time at the reunion, josiah bein' in fine feather to see the relation on his side presentin' such a noble appearance. and like a good wife i sympathized with him in his pride and happiness, though i told him they didn't present any better appearance than the same number of smiths would. and their cookin', though excellent, wuz no better than the smiths could cook if they sot out to. he bein' so good natered didn't dispute me outright, but said he thought the allens made better nut-cakes than the smiths. but they don't, no such thing. in fact i think the smith nut-cakes are lighter and have a more artistic twist to 'em and don't devour so much fat a-fryin'. but i'd hate to set josiah down to any better vittles. i d'no as i would dast let him loose at the table at a smith reunion, for he eat fur too much as it wuz. i had to give him five pepsin lozengers and some pepper tea. and then i looked out all night for night mairs to ride on his chist. but he come through it alive though with considerable pain. we stayed two or three days longer with lorinda, and then she and hiram went part way with us as we visited our way home. we've got relations livin' all along the river that we owed visits to. and we went to see a number of 'em and enjoyed our four selves first rate. these things all took place more than a year ago and another man sets in the high chair, before which i laid serepta's errents, a man not so hefty mebby weighed by common steelyards, but one of noble weight judged by mental and moral scales. i d'no whether i'd had any better luck if i'd presented serepta's errents to him. sometimes when i look in the kind eyes of his picter, and read his noble and eloquent words that i believe come from his very soul, i think mebby i'd been more lucky if he'd sot in the chair that day. but then i d'no, there are so many influences and hendrances planted like thorns in the cushion of that chair that a man, no matter how earnest he strives to do jest right, can't help bein' pricked by 'em and held back. and i know he could never done them errents in the time she sot, but i'm in hopes he'll throw his powerful influence jest as fur as he can on the side of right, and justice to all the citizens of the u.s., wimmen as well as men. 'tennyrate, he has showed more heroism now than many soldiers who risk life on the battle field. for the worst foe to fight and conquer is ridicule; and he and others in high places have attackted fashion so entrenched in the solid armour of habit that most public men wouldn't have dasted to take arms agin it. and the long waves of time must swash up agin the shores of eternity, before the good it has done can be estimated. how fur the influence has extended. how many weak wills been strengthened. how many broken hearts healed. how many young lives inspired to nobler and saner living. but to resoom forward, i can't nor won't carry them errents of serepta's there again. it is too wearin' for one of my age and my rheumatiz. what a tedious time i did put in there. it wuz a day long to be remembered by me. ix the women's parade josiah come home from jonesville one day, all wrought up. he'd took off a big crate of eggs and got returns from several crates he'd sent to new york, an' he sez to me: "that consarned middleman is cheatin' me the worst kind. i know the yaller plymouth rock eggs ort to bring mor'n the white leghorns; they're bigger and it stands to reason they're worth more, and he don't give nigh so much. i believe he eats 'em himself and that's why he wants to git 'em cheaper." "no middleman," sez i, "could eat fifty dozen a week." "he could if he eat enough at one time. 'tennyrate, i'm goin' to new york to see about it." "when are you goin'?" sez i. "i'm goin' to-morrow mornin'. i'm goin' in onexpected and i lay out to catch him devourin' them big eggs himself." "oh, shaw!" sez i. "the idee!" "well, i say the trusts and middlemen are dishonest as the old harry. don't you remember what one on 'em writ to uncle sime bentley and what he writ back? he'd sent a great load of potatoes to him and he didn't get hardly anything for 'em, only their big bill for sellin' 'em. they charged him for freightage, carage, storage, porterage, weightage, and to make their bill longer, they put in _ratage_ and _satage_. "uncle sime writ back 'you infarnel thief, you, put in "stealage" and keep the whole on't.'" but i sez, "they're not all dishonest. there are good men among 'em as well as bad." "well, i lay out to see to it myself, and if they ever charge me for 'ratage' and 'satage' i'm goin' to see what they are, and how they look." "well," sez i, "if you're bound to go, i'll get up and get a good breakfast and go with you." it was the day of the woman's suffrage parade and i wanted to see it. i wanted to like a dog, and had ever since i hearn of it. though some of the jonesvillians felt different. the creation searchin' society wuz dretful exercised about it. the president's stepma is a strong she aunty and has always ruled philander with an iron hand. i've always noticed that women who didn't want any rights always took the right to have their own way. but 'tennyrate philander come up a very strong he aunty. and he felt that the creation searchers ort to go to new york that day to assist the aunties in sneerin' at the marchers, writin' up the parade, and helpin' count 'em. philander wuz always good at figures, specially at subtraction, and he and his step ma thought he ort to be there to help. i told josiah i guessed the she aunties didn't need no help at that. but philander called a meetin' of the creation searchers to make arrangements to go. and i spoze the speech he made at the meetin' wuz a powerful effort. and the members most all on 'em believin' as he did--they said it wuz a dretful interestin' meetin'. sunthin' like a love feast, only more wrought up and excitin'. the editor of the _auger_ printed the whole thing in his paper, and said it give a staggerin' blow agin woman's suffrage, and he didn't know but it wuz a death blow--he hoped it wuz. "a woman's parade," sez philander, "is the most abominable sight ever seen on our planetary system. onprotected woman dressed up in fine clothes standin' up on her feet, and paradin' herself before strange men. oh! how bold! oh! how onwomanly! no wonder," says he, "the she aunties are shocked at the sight, and say they marched to attract the attention of men. why can't women stay to home and set down and knit? and then men would love 'em. but if they keep on with these bold, forward actions, men won't love 'em, and they will find out so. and it has always been, and is now, man's greatest desire and chiefest aim he has aimed at, to protect women, to throw the shinin' mantilly of his constant devotion about her delikit form and shield her and guard her like the very apples in his eyes. "woman is too sweet and tender a flower to have any such hardship put upon her, and it almost crazes a man, and makes him temporarily out of his head, to see women do anything to hazard that inheriant delicacy of hern, that always appealed so to the male man. "let us go forth, clad in our principles (and ordinary clothing, of course), and show just where we stand on the woman question, and do all we can to assist the gentle feminine she aunties. lovely, retirin' females whose pictures we so often see gracin' the sensational newspapers. their white womanly neck and shoulders, glitterin' with jewels, no brighter than their eyes. they don't appear there for sex appeal, or to win admiration. no indeed! no doubt they shrink from the publicity. and also shrink from making speeches in the senate chambers or the halls of justice, but will do so, angelic martyrs that they are, to hold their erring suffrage sisters back from their brazen efforts at publicity and public speakin'." they said his speech wuz cheered wildly, give out for publication, and entered into the moments of the society. but after all, it happened real curious the day of the parade every leadin' creation searcher had some impediment in his way, and couldn't go, and of course, the society didn't want to go without its leaders. mis' philander daggett, the president's wife, wuz paperin' her settin' room and parlor overhead. she wuz expectin' company and couldn't put it off. and bein' jest married, and thinkin' the world of her, philander said he dassent leave home for fear she'd fall offen the barrel and break her neck. she had a board laid acrost two barrels to stand up on. and every day philander would leave his outside work and come into the house, and set round and watch her--he thought so much of her. i suppose he wanted to catch her if she fell. but i didn't think she would fall. she is young and tuff, and she papered it real good, though it wuz dretful hard on her arm sockets and back. and the secretary's wife wuz puttin' in a piece of onions. she thought she would make considerable by it, and she will, if onions keep up. but it is turrible hard on a woman's back to weed 'em. but she is ambitious; she raised a flock of fifty-six turkeys last year besides doin' her house work, and makin' seventy-five yards of rag carpet. and she thought onions wouldn't be so wearin' on her as turkeys, for onions, she said, will stay where they are put, but turkeys are born wanderers and hikers. and they led her through sun and rain, swamp and swale, uphill and downhill, a-chasin' 'em up, but she made well by 'em. well, in puttin' in her onion seed, she overworked herself and got a crick in her back, so she couldn't stir hand nor foot for two days. and bein' only just them two, her husband had to stay home to see to things. and the treasurer's wife is canvassin' for the life of william j. bryan. and wantin' to make all she could, she took a longer tramp than common, and didn't hear of the parade or meetin' of the c.s.s. at all. she writ home a day or two before the meetin', that she wuz goin' as long as her legs held out, and they needn't write to her, for she didn't know where she would be. well, of course, the creation searchers didn't want to go without their officers. they said they couldn't make no show if they did. so they give up goin'. but i spoze they made fun of the woman's parade amongst theirselves, and mourned over their indelikit onwomanly actions, and worried about it bein' too hard for 'em, and sneered at 'em considerable. well, josiah always loves to have me with him, an' though he'd made light of the parade, he didn't object to my goin'. and suffice it to say that we arrove at that middleman's safe and sound, though why we didn't git lost in that grand immense depo and wander 'round there all day like babes in the woods, is more'n i can tell. the middleman wuzn't dishonest: he convinced josiah on it. he had shipped the colored eggs somewhere, and of course he couldn't pay as much, and he never had hearn of _ratage_ or _satage_. he wuz a real pleasant middleman, and hearing me say how much i wanted to see the woman's parade, he invited us to go upstairs and set by a winder, where there was a good view on't. we'd eat our lunch on the train and we accepted his invitation, and sot down by a winder then and there, though it wuz a hour or so before the time sot for the parade. and i should have taken solid comfort watchin' the endless procession of men and women and vehicles of all sorts and descriptions, but josiah made so many slightin' remarks on the dress of the females passin' below on the sidewalk, that it made me feel bad. and to tell the truth, though i didn't think best to own up to it to him, i _did_ blush for my sect to see the way some on 'em rigged themselves out. "see that thing!" josiah sez, as a woman passed by with her hat drawed down over one eye, and a long quill standin' out straight behind more'n a foot, an' her dress puckered in so 'round the bottom, she couldn't have took a long step if a mad dog wuz chasin' her--to say nothin' of bein' perched up on such high heels, that she fairly tottled when she walked. sez josiah: "does that _thing_ know enough to vote?" "no," sez i, reasonably, "she don't. but most probable if she had bigger things to think about she'd loosen the puckerin' strings 'round her ankles, push her hat back out of her eyes, an' get down on her feet again." "why, samantha," says he, "if you had on one of them skirts tied 'round your ankles, if i wuz a-dyin' on the upper shelf in the buttery, you couldn't step up on a chair to get to me to save your life, an' i'd have to die there alone." "why should you be dyin' on the buttery shelf, josiah?" sez i. "oh, that wuz jest a figger of speech, samantha." "but folks ort to be mejum in figgers of speech, josiah, and not go too fur." "do you think, samantha, that anybody can go too fur in describin' them fool skirts, and them slit skirts, and the immodesty and indecensy of some of them dresses?" [illustration: "sez josiah, 'does that thing know enough to vote?'"] "i don't know as they can," sez i, sadly. "jest look at that thing," sez he again. and as i looked, the hot blush of shame mantillied my cheeks, for i felt that my sect was disgraced by the sight. she wuz real pretty, but she didn't have much of any clothes on, and what she did wear wuzn't in the right place; not at all. sez josiah, "that girl would look much more modest and decent if she wuz naked, for then she might be took for a statute." and i sez, "i don't blame the good priest for sendin' them away from the lord's table, sayin', 'i will give no communion to a jezabel.' and the pity of it is," sez i, "lots of them girls are innocent and don't realize what construction will be put on the dress they blindly copy from some furrin fashion plate." then quite an old woman passed by, also robed or disrobed in the prevailin' fashion, and josiah sez, soty vosy, "i should think she wuz old enough to know sunthin'. who wants to see her old bones?" and he sez to me, real uppish, "do you think them things know enough to vote?" but jest then a young man went by dressed fashionably, but if he hadn't had the arm of a companion, he couldn't have walked a step; his face wuz red and swollen, and dissipated, and what expression wuz left in his face wuz a fool expression, and both had cigarettes in their mouths, and i sez, "does _that_ thing know enough to vote?" and jest behind them come a lot of furrin laborers, rough and rowdy-lookin', with no more expression in their faces than a mule or any other animal. "do _they_ know enough to vote?" sez i. "as for the fitness for votin' it is pretty even on both sides. good intelligent men ortn't to lose the right of suffrage for the vice and ignorance of some of their sect, and that argument is jest as strong for the other sect." but before josiah could reply, we hearn the sound of gay music, and the parade began to march on before us. first a beautiful stately figure seated fearlessly on a dancin' horse, that tossted his head as if proud of the burden he wuz carryin'. she managed the prancin' steed with one hand, and with the other held aloft the flag of our country. jest as women ort to, and have to. they have got to manage wayward pardners, children and domestics who, no matter how good they are, will take their bits in their mouths, and go sideways some of the time, but can be managed by a sensible, affectionate hand, and with her other hand at the same time she can carry her principles aloft, wavin' in every domestic breeze, frigid or torrid, plain to be seen by everybody. then come the wives and relations of senators and congressmen, showin' that bein' right on the spot they knowed what wimmen needed. then the wimmen voters from free suffrage states, showin' by their noble looks that votin' hadn't hurt 'em any. they carried the most gorgeous banner in the whole parade. then the wimmen's political union, showin' plain in their faces that understandin' the laws that govern her ain't goin' to keep woman from looking beautiful and attractive. on and on they come, gray-headed women and curly-headed children from every station in life: the millionairess by the working woman, and the fashionable society woman by the business one. two women on horseback, and one blowin' a bugle, led the way for the carriage of madam antoinette blackwell. i wonder if she ever dreamed when she wuz tryin' to climb the hill of knowledge through the thorny path of sex persecution, that she would ever have a bugle blowed in front of her, to honor her for her efforts, and form a part of such a glorious parade of the sect she give her youth and strength to free. how they swept on, borne by the waves of music, heralded by wavin' banners of purple and white and gold, bearin' upliftin' and noble mottoes. physicians, lawyers, nurses, authors, journalists, artists, social workers, dressmakers, milliners, women from furrin countries dressed in their quaint costumes, laundresses, clerks, shop girls, college girls, all bearin' the pennants and banners of their different colleges: vassar, wellesley, smith, etc., etc. high-school pupils, woman's suffrage league, woman's social league, and all along the brilliant line each division dressed in beautiful costumes and carryin' their own gorgeous banners. and anon or oftener all along the long, long procession bands of music pealin' out high and sweet, as if the spirit of music, who is always depictered as a woman, was glad and proud to do honor to her own sect. and all through the parade you could see every little while men on foot and on horseback, not a great many, but jest enough to show that the really noble men wuz on their side. for, as i've said more formally, that is one of the most convincin' arguments for woman's suffrage. in fact, it don't need any other. that bad men fight against women's suffrage with all their might. down by the big marble library, the grand-stand wuz filled with men seated to see their wives march by on their road to victory. i hearn and believe, they wuz a noble-lookin' set of men. they had seen their wives in the past chasin' fashion and amusement, and why shouldn't they enjoy seein' them follow principle and justice? well, i might talk all day and not begin to tell of the beauty and splendor of the woman's parade. and the most impressive sight to me wuz to see how the leaven of individual right and justice had entered into all these different classes of society, and how their enthusiasm and earnestness must affect every beholder. and in my mind i drawed pictures of the different modes of our american women and our english sisters, each workin' for the same cause, but in what a different manner. of course, our english sisters may have more reason for their militant doin's; more unjust laws regarding marriage--divorce, and care of children, and i can't blame them married females for wantin' to control their own money, specially if they earnt it by scrubbin' floors and washin'. i can't blame 'em for not wantin' their husbands to take that money from them and their children, specially if they're loafers and drunkards. and, of course, there are no men so noble and generous as our american men. but jest lookin' at the matter from the outside and comparin' the two, i wuz proud indeed of our suffragists. while our english sisters feel it their duty to rip and tear, burn and pillage, to draw attention to their cause, and reach the gole (which i believe they have sot back for years) through the smoke and fire of carnage, our american suffragettes employ the gentle, convincin' arts of beauty and reason. some as the quiet golden sunshine draws out the flowers and fruit from the cold bosom of the earth. mindin' their own business, antagonizin' and troublin' no one, they march along and show to every beholder jest how earnest they be. they quietly and efficiently answer that argument of the she auntys, that women don't want to vote, by a parade two hours in length, of twenty thousand. they answer the argument that the ballot would render women careless in dress and reckless, by organizin' and carryin' on a parade so beautiful, so harmonious in color and design that it drew out enthusiastic praise from even the enemies of suffrage. they quietly and without argument answered the old story that women was onbusiness-like and never on time, by startin' the parade the very minute it was announced, which you can't always say of men's parades. it wuz a burnin' hot day, and many who'd always argued that women hadn't strength enough to lift a paper ballot, had prophesied that woman wuz too delicately organized, too "fraguile," as betsy bobbet would say, to endure the strain of the long march in the torrid atmosphere. but i told josiah that women had walked daily over the burning plow shares of duty and domestic tribulation, till their feet had got calloused, and could stand more'n you'd think for. and he said he didn't know as females had any more burnin' plow shares to tread on than men had. and i sez, "i didn't say they had, josiah. i never wanted women to get more praise or justice than men. i simply want 'em to get as much--just an even amount; for," sez i, solemnly, "'male and female created he them.'" josiah is a deacon, and when i quote scripture, he has to listen respectful, and i went on: "i guess it wuz a surprise even to the marchers that of all the ambulances that kept alongside the parade to pick up faint and swoonin' females, the only one occupied wuz by a man." josiah denied it, but i sez, "i see his boots stickin' out of the ambulance myself." josiah couldn't dispute that, for he knows i am truthful. but he sez, sunthin' in the sperit of two little children i hearn disputin'. sez one: "it wuzn't so; you've told a lie." "well," sez the other, "you broke a piece of china and laid it to me." sez josiah, "you may have seen a pair of men's boots a-stickin' out of the ambulance, but i'll bet they didn't have heels on 'em a inch broad, and five or six inches high." "no, josiah," sez i, "you're right. men think too much of their comfort and health to hist themselves up on such little high tottlin' things, and you didn't see many on 'em in the parade." but he went on drivin' the arrow of higher criticism still deeper into my onwillin' breast. "i'll bet you didn't see his legs tied together at the ankles, or his trouses slit up the sides to show gauze stockin's and anklets and diamond buckles. and you didn't see my sect who honored the parade by marchin' in it, have a goose quill half a yard long, standin' up straight in the air from a coal-scuttle hat, or out sideways, a hejus sight, and threatenin' the eyes of friend and foe." "and you didn't see many on 'em in the parade," sez i agin. "women, as they march along to victory, have got to drop some of these senseless things. in fact, they are droppin' em. you don't see waists now the size of a hour glass. it is gettin' fashionable to breathe now, and women on their way to their gole will drop by the way their high heels; it will git fashionable to walk comfortable, and as they've got to take some pretty long steps to reach the ballot in 1916, it stands to reason they've got to have a skirt wide enough at the bottom to step up on the gole of victory. it is a high step, josiah, but women are goin' to take it. they've always tended to cleanin' their own house, and makin' it comfortable and hygenic for its members, big and little. and when they turn their minds onto the best way to clean the national house both sects have to live in to make it clean and comfortable and safe for the weak and helpless as well as for the strong--it stands to reason they won't have time or inclination to stand up on stilts with tied-in ankles, quilled out like savages." "well," said josiah, with a dark, forebodin' look on his linement, "_we shall see_." "yes," sez i, with a real radiant look into the future. "_we shall see_, josiah." but he didn't have no idea of the beautiful prophetic vision i beheld with the eyes of my sperit. good men and good women, each fillin' their different spears in life, but banded together for the overthrow of evil, the uplift of the race. x "the creation searchin' society" it was only a few days after we got home from new york that josiah come into the house dretful excited. he'd had a invitation to attend a meetin' of the creation searchin' society. "why," sez i, "did they invite you? you are not a member?" "no," sez he, "but they want me to help 'em be indignant. it is a indignation meetin'." "indignant about what?" i sez. "fur be it from me, samantha, to muddle up your head and hurt your feelin's by tellin' you what it's fur." and he went out quick and shet the door. but i got a splendid dinner and afterwards he told me of his own accord. i am not a member, of course, for the president, philander daggett, said it would lower the prestige of the society in the eyes of the world to have even one female member. this meetin' wuz called last week for the purpose of bein' indignant over the militant doin's of the english suffragettes. josiah and several others in jonesville wuz invited to be present at this meetin' as sort of honorary members, as they wuz competent to be jest as indignant as any other male men over the tribulations of their sect. josiah said so much about the meetin', and his honorary indignation, that he got me curious, and wantin' to go myself, to see how it wuz carried on. but i didn't have no hopes on't till philander daggett's new young wife come to visit me and i told her how much i wanted to go, and she bein' real good-natered said she would make philander let me in. he objected, of course, but she is pretty and young, and his nater bein' kinder softened and sweetened by the honey of the honeymoon, she got round him. and he said that if we would set up in a corner of the gallery behind the melodeon, and keep our veils on, he would let her and me in. but we must keep it secret as the grave, for he would lose all the influence he had with the other members and be turned out of the presidential chair if it wuz knowed that he had lifted wimmen up to such a hite, and gin 'em such a opportunity to feel as if they wuz equal to men. well, we went early and josiah left me to philander's and went on to do some errents. he thought i wuz to spend the evenin' with her in becomin' seclusion, a-knittin' on his blue and white socks, as a woman should. but after visitin' a spell, jest after it got duskish, we went out the back door and went cross lots, and got there ensconced in the dark corner without anybody seein' us and before the meetin' begun. philander opened the meetin' by readin' the moments of the last meetin', which wuz one of sympathy with the police of washington for their noble efforts to break up the woman's parade, and after their almost herculaneum labor to teach wimmen her proper place, and all the help they got from the hoodlum and slum elements, they had failed in a measure, and the wimmen, though stunned, insulted, spit on, struck, broken boneded, maimed, and tore to pieces, had succeeded in their disgustin' onwomanly undertakin'. but it wuz motioned and carried that a vote of thanks be sent 'em and recorded in the moments that the creation searchers had no blame but only sympathy and admiration for the hard worked policemen for they had done all they could to protect wimmen's delicacy and retirin' modesty, and put her in her place, and no man in washington or jonesville could do more. he read these moments, in a real tender sympathizin' voice, and i spoze the members sympathized with him, or i judged so from their linements as i went forward, still as a mouse, and peeked down on 'em. he then stopped a minute and took a drink of water; i spoze his sympathetic emotions had het him up, and kinder dried his mouth, some. and then he went on to state that this meetin' wuz called to show to the world, abroad and nigh by, the burnin' indignation this body felt, as a society, at the turrible sufferin's and insults bein' heaped onto their male brethren in england by the indecent and disgraceful doin's of the militant suffragettes, and to devise, if possible, some way to help their male brethren acrost the sea. "for," sez he, "pizen will spread. how do we know how soon them very wimmen who had to be spit on and struck and tore to pieces in washington to try to make 'em keep their place, the sacred and tender place they have always held enthroned as angels in a man's heart--" here he stopped and took out his bandanna handkerchief, and wiped his eyes, and kinder choked. but i knew it wuz all a orator's art, and it didn't affect me, though i see a number of the members wipe their eyes, for this talk appealed to the inheriant chivalry of men, and their desire to protect wimmen, we have always hearn so much about. "how do we know," he continued, "how soon they may turn aginst their best friends, them who actuated by the loftiest and tenderest emotions, and determination to protect the weaker sect at any cost, took their valuable time to try to keep wimmen down where they ort to be, _angels of the home_, who knows but they may turn and throw stuns at the capitol an' badger an' torment our noble lawmakers, a-tryin' to make 'em listen to their silly petitions for justice?" in conclusion, he entreated 'em to remember that the eye of the world wuz on 'em, expectin' 'em to be loyal to the badgered and woman endangered sect abroad, and try to suggest some way to stop them woman's disgraceful doin's. cyrenus presly always loves to talk, and he always looks on the dark side of things, and he riz up and said "he didn't believe nothin' could be done, for by all he'd read about 'em, the men had tried everything possible to keep wimmen down where they ort to be, they had turned deaf ears to their complaints, wouldn't hear one word they said, they had tried drivin' and draggin' and insults of all kinds, and breakin' their bones, and imprisonment, and stuffin' 'em with rubber tubes, thrust through their nose down into their throats. and he couldn't think of a thing more that could be done by men, and keep the position men always had held as wimmen's gardeens and protectors, and he said he thought men might jest as well keep still and let 'em go on and bring the world to ruin, for that was what they wuz bound to do, and they couldn't be stopped unless they wuz killed off." phileman huffstater is a old bachelder, and hates wimmen. he had been on a drunk and looked dretful, tobacco juice runnin' down his face, his red hair all towsled up, and his clothes stiff with dirt. he wuzn't invited, but had come of his own accord. he had to hang onto the seat in front of him as he riz up and said: "he believed that wuz the best and only way out on't, for men to rise up and kill off the weaker sect, for their wuzn't never no trouble of any name or nater, but what wimmen wuz to the bottom on't, and the world would be better off without 'em." but philander scorfed at him and reminded him that such hullsale doin's would put an end to the world's bein' populated at all. but phileman said in a hicuppin', maudlin way that "the world had better stop, if there had got to be such doin's, wimmen risin' up on every side, and pretendin' to be equal with men." here his knee jints kinder gin out under him, and he slid down onto the seat and went to sleep. i guess the members wuz kinder shamed of phileman, for lime peedick jumped up quick as scat and said, "it seemed the englishmen had tried most everything else, and he wondered how it would work if them militant wimmen could be ketched and a dose of sunthin' bitter and sickenin' poured down 'em. every time they broached that loathsome doctrine of equal rights, and tried to make lawmakers listen to their petitions, jest ketch 'em and pour down 'em a big dose of wormwood or sunthin' else bitter and sickenin', and he guessed they would git tired on't." but here josiah jumped up quick and said, "he objected," he said, "that would endanger the right wimmen always had, and ort to have of cookin' good vittles for men and doin' their housework, and bearin' and bringin' up their children, and makin' and mendin' and waitin' on 'em. he said nothin' short of a gatlin gun could keep samantha from speakin' her mind about such things, and he wuzn't willin' to have her made sick to the stomach, and incapacitated from cookin' by any such proceedin's." the members argued quite awhile on this pint, but finally come round to josiah's idees, and the meetin' for a few minutes seemed to come to a standstill, till old cornelius snyder got up slowly and feebly. he has spazzums and can't hardly wobble. his wife has to support him, wash and dress him, and take care on him like a baby. but he has the use of his tongue, and he got some man to bring him there, and he leaned heavy on his cane, and kinder stiddied himself on it and offered this suggestion: "how would it do to tie females up when they got to thinkin' they wuz equal to men, halter 'em, rope 'em, and let 'em see if they wuz?" but this idee wuz objected to for the same reason josiah had advanced, as philander well said, "wimmen had got to go foot loose in order to do the housework and cookin'." uncle sime bentley, who wuz awful indignant, said, "i motion that men shall take away all the rights that wimmen have now, turn 'em out of the meetin' house, and grange." but before he'd hardly got the words out of his mouth, seven of the members riz up and as many as five spoke out to once with different exclamations: "that won't do! we can't do that! who'll do all the work! who'll git up grange banquets and rummage sales, and paper and paint and put down carpets in the meetin' house, and git up socials and entertainments to help pay the minister's salary, and carry on the sunday school? and tend to its picnics and suppers, and take care of the children? we can't do this, much as we'd love to." one horsey, sporty member, also under the influence of liquor, riz up, and made a feeble motion, "spozin' we give wimmen liberty enough to work, leave 'em hand and foot loose, and sort o' muzzle 'em so they can't talk." this seemed to be very favorably received, 'specially by the married members, and the secretary wuz jest about to record it in the moments as a scheme worth tryin', when old doctor nugent got up, and sez in a firm, decided way: "wimmen cannot be kept from talking without endangerin' her life; as a medical expert i object to this motion." "how would you put the objection?" sez the secretary. "on the ground of cruelty to animals," sez the doctor. a fat englishman who had took the widder shelmadine's farm on shares, says, "i 'old with brother josiah hallen's hargument. as the father of nine young children and thirty cows to milk with my wife's 'elp, i 'old she musn't be kep' from work, but h'i propose if we can't do anything else that a card of sympathy be sent to hold hengland from the creation searchin' society of america, tellin' 'em 'ow our 'earts bleeds for the men's sufferin' and 'ardships in 'avin' to leave their hoccupations to beat and 'aul round and drive females to jails, and feed 'em with rubber hose through their noses to keep 'em from starvin' to death for what they call their principles." this motion wuz carried unanimously. but here an old man, who had jest dropped in and who wuz kinder deef and slow-witted, asked, "what it is about anyway? what do the wimmen ask for when they are pounded and jailed and starved?" hank yerden, whose wife is a suffragist, and who is mistrusted to have a leanin' that way himself, answered him, "oh, they wanted the lawmakers to read their petitions asking for the rights of ordinary citizens. they said as long as their property wuz taxed they had the right of representation. and as long as the law punished wimmen equally with men, they had a right to help make that law, and as long as men claimed wimmen's place wuz home, they wanted the right to guard that home. and as long as they brought children into the world they wanted the right to protect 'em. and when the lawmakers wouldn't hear a word they said, and beat 'em and drove 'em round and jailed 'em, they got mad as hens, and are actin' like furiation and wild cats. but claim that civil rights wuz never give to any class without warfare." "heavens! what doin's!" sez old zephaniah beezum, "what is the world comin' to!" "angle worms will be risin' up next and demandin' to not be trod on." sez he, "i have studied the subject on every side, and i claim the best way to deal with them militant females is to banish 'em to some barren wilderness, some foreign desert where they can meditate on their crimes, and not bother men." this idee wuz received favorably by most of the members, but others differed and showed the weak p'ints in it, and it wuz gin up. well, at ten p.m., the creation searchers gin up after arguin' pro and con, con and pro, that they could not see any way out of the matter, they could not tell what to do with the wimmen without danger and trouble to the male sect. they looked dretful dejected and onhappy as they come to this conclusion, my pardner looked as if he wuz most ready to bust out cryin'. and as i looked on his beloved linement i forgot everything else and onbeknown to me i leaned over the railin' and sez: "here is sunthin' that no one has seemed to think on at home or abroad. how would it work to stop the trouble by givin' the wimmen the rights they ask for, the rights of any other citizen?" i don't spoze there will ever be such another commotion and upheaval in jonesville till michael blows his last trump as follered my speech. knowin' wimmen wuz kep' from the meetin', some on 'em thought it wuz a voice from another spear. them wuz the skairt and horrow struck ones, and them that thought it wuz a earthly woman's voice wuz so mad that they wuz by the side of themselves and carried on fearful. but when they searched the gallery for wimmen or ghosts, nothin' wuz found, for philander's wife and i had scooted acrost lots and wuz to home a-knittin' before the men got there. and i d'no as anybody but philander to this day knows what, or who it wuz. and i d'no as my idee will be follered, but i believe it is the best way out on't for men and wimmen both, and would stop the mad doin's of the english suffragettes, which i don't approve of, no indeed! much as i sympathize with the justice of their cause. book was produced from images made available by the hathitrust digital library.) josiah allen on the woman question [illustration: "she made me think that minute of them big rocks when i was tryin' to plough 'round 'em" (see p. 82)] josiah allen on the woman question by marietta holley _author of "samantha on the woman question", "samantha at saratoga", "my opinions and betsy bobbett's", etc._ _illustrated._ [illustration] new york chicago toronto fleming h. revell company london and edinburgh copyright, 1914, by fleming h. revell company new york: 158 fifth avenue chicago: 125 north wabash ave. toronto: 25 richmond street, w. london: 21 paternoster square edinburgh: 100 princes street contents i. in which i resolve to write a book 9 ii. in which betsy bobbett butts in 25 iii. i talk on wimmen's duty to marry 39 iv. i talk on man's protectin' love for wimmen 59 v. wherein i prove man's courtesy towards wimmen 74 vi. i talk on females infringin' 96 vii. about wimmen's foolish love for petickulars 113 viii. i talk on wimmen's extravagance 135 ix. the danger from wimmen's exaggeration 151 x. the modern wimmen condemned 169 illustrations opposite page i. "she made me think that minute of them big rocks when i was tryin' to plough round 'em" title ii. "and she looked as if she would sink down in her tracts" 42 iii. "till she gets 'em all rousted up, and just boy cote that man till he has to keep hullsome food" 120 iv. "josiah", sez she, "a hen don't cackle till she lays her egg" 138 i in which i resolve to write a book for years and years i've been deeply wownded in my most sacred feelin's and my reason has been outraged by my pardner, samantha's, writin' agin the righteous cause of man's superiority to wimmen. but though my feelin's have been rasped and almost bleedin' from the unjust wownds i've kep' still and let her go on with other headstrong and blinded females, and argey and deny man's sole and indefrangible right to oversee and order the affairs of the universe, and specially the weak helpless female sect, the justice of which, it seems to me, a infant babe might see without spectacles. i have curbed in my wownded sperit and my mighty inteleck with almost giant strength, and never let 'em have free play in public print to dispute and overthrow them uroneous doctrines. and my reason for this course has been twofold. first, as any male filosifer and female researcher knows, that owin' to her weakness of inteleck and soft nater, a woman's mind gits ruffled up easy, and that rufflin' up affects her cookin'. and under a too severe strain a female has sometimes forgot to be promp with her meals, and not notice seemin'ly that her pies wuz runnin' out, and the cookie jar gittin' empty. such things, no matter how strong a man's inteleck is, has a deleterious effeck on his internal systern, which reacts on his branial cranium. and i've been afraid of the consequences if i onleashed the lion in me, and answered and crushed her onholy arguments in cold type. and my second reason wuz that in spite of her almost blasphemous doctrine that wimmen are equal to men, i knowed that under them mistook idees it wuz a lackage of good horse sense and not inherient depravity that ailed her. i knowed that if samantha wuz only willin' to settle down peacefully in the shelter and shade of man's powerful strength and personality, there never wuz a better woman or a neater, equinomicler housekeeper on earth than samantha smith allen, and as a maker of cream biscuit and apple dumplin's, and a frier and briler of spring chickens never outdone and seldom equalled. i've argued in private life with her till my jaws ached and my lungs wheezed with incessant labor. have experimented in various ways and appeared before her daily for years as a shinin' sample of man's superiority. but never, never have i been able to make her own up how inferior her sect is to the more opposite one. but as i say, as long as i've suffered, i have never before took my rightful place in literatoor, never took the high peak waitin' for me to set down on, while i hurled the thunderbolts of convincin' eloquence down upon the female wimmen squirmin' beneath me. but i dassent wait a minute longer. i have got to put a stop to the awful doin's goin' on around me. and if my worst forebodin's are realized, and i've got to starve it out, i will offer myself a hungry victim to duty, and die with my manly principles enfoldin' my gant form like a halo of glory. but mebby i've waited too long. i tremble to think on't. i ort to made the move sooner. for things are growin' worse and worse all the time, female wimmen are risin' up on every side claimin' to be equal to men, talkin', preachin', hikin', paradin' with lyin' banners, vowin' with brazen impudence that since they bear the financial and legal burdens of citizenship, they ort to be citizens of the u.s., and since they bear children they want to protect 'em in the house and outdoors, and so on to the end of their windy arguments. want to be citizens! how can they be? hain't the eagle a male bird? and what duz e pluribus unum mean? why, we men translated it years ago--eminent people us--us males. and every fool knows that wimmen hain't a people, hain't a citizen and never has been. jest think on't, weak wimmen, underlin's, as they've always been legally and politically considered, dashin' and hikin' about, bilin' up like foamin' billers of froth and folly threatenin' to engulf our noble ship of state. i've knowed how a strong minded man wuz needed to grasp holt of the hellum and try to steer that poor staggerin' wobblin' wimmen tosted craft into a haven of safety, into some place where men can agin enjoy their heaven born rights to rule the world and boss round the female sect, and to turn that frothy turbulent feminist tide sweepin' out into broad paths never meant for it to sweep in, into the shaller narrer safe channels it is fitted for. i had decided not to tell samantha about my great book aginst female suffrage till it wuz writ and published and the crash come. but the very day i begun my immortal work she wuz cookin' a young duck with dressin', and the delicious uroma come like incense to my nostrils, and insensibly it softened my feelin's. and i thought mebby i ort to prepare her for what would be the effect of my book on her sect, and the world at large. we'd lived together for years and outside of her uroneous beliefs she'd been a kind and agreeable companion, a fur better cook and housekeeper than any aunty suffragist i ever see or hearn on, and had been a help and comfort to me; she wuz bakin' a plum puddin' too, and some hubbard squash. and as i inhaled the delicious odors i felt more and more soft and meller towards her, most as soft as the squash. and so i broached the subject to her. sez i, "what do you think, samantha, about my great projeck of destroyin' female suffrage? what do you think of my writin' the book?" i said the words and paused for a reply. the kitchen wuz clean and cozy, the cheerful fire blazed; samantha sot with smooth hair and serene face in a new gingham dress and white apron, choppin' some cabbage and celery for a salad; all wuz peace and happiness. as i spoke the fateful words it seemed as if old nater herself wuz listenin' and peakin' in through the kitchen door to see what would happen. what would be the effect on samantha? i dreaded, yet waited for the result. would she overwhelm me with reproaches and entreaties to stop and not ruin her sect? would she be overcome and swoon away? and the appaulin' thought come to me onbid, if she did who would finish up the dinner? as i asked the question she paused with the choppin' knife in her hand and sez: "when i wuz a girl we had a debatin' school, and there wuz one feller that we always tried to git on the side opposite to us, his talk and arguments wuz such a help to us. i hain't no objections to your writin' the book, josiah." and then she resoomed her work with her linement cam as ever. i felt relieved, but couldn't see what sot her off to tellin' that old story at this juncter, and can't to this day, but set it down to female's inability to grasp holt of important questions, and answer 'em in a straightforward way as males do. i knowed when i begun my great work of stompin' out woman's suffrage that i must proceed careful; wimmen had clogged up the road to truth and reason so with their fool arguments, lectures, parades, etc., i must plough through 'em and make my way clear every step i took so no clackin' arguin' female could rise up and dispute 'em. i laid out to chase females back to the very beginin', and there in the dim light of the dawnin' day of time to grasp holt of the unanswerable argument that proves to every reasonable mind wimmen's inferiority and man's greatness. and then chase 'em back agin through the centuries up to the present time, and there corner 'em and break down their flimsy arguments of equality, and crush 'em forever. and make an end to this male disturbin', world opsettin' bizness of wimmen's rights. and in divin' back into history as fur as i've doven i want to give suitable credit to my chumb, uncle simon bentley. bein' a bacheldor without no hamperin' female ties drawin' on him and holdin' him back, he's had more time than i have to devote to arjous study and research on the subject, and has been a help to me. not but what i could have equalled him or gone ahead on him if i'd been foot-loose. but samantha and the barn stock wuz on my back, and fambly cares kep' me down. but after he mentioned to me certain things he had studied out, i told him i had thought of them very things more than one hundred times, but hadn't had time to write 'em down. why, in the very first beginin' of time, we find the great fact that smashes female equality down into the dirt where it belongs. we find that wimmen wuz made and manufactured jest because men wuz kinder lonesome. as uncle sime well sez, "it wuz jest a happen that wimmen wuz made at all. adam happened to feel kinder lonesome alone on that big farm, and probable needed wimmen's help. and he happened to have a extra rib he could spare as well as not, and so wimmen wuz made out of that spare rib. but," sez uncle sime, "adam would have been as well agin off if eve hadn't been made, and i should have told him so if i had been there." sez he bitterly, "men hain't been lonesome since wimmen wuz made. oh, no! she has kep' her clack goin', and kep' men's noses down on the grindstun ever sence." "well," sez i, "simon, it wuz noble in adam to be willin' to lose one of his ribs to make her, for who knows to what hites men might have riz up if he hadn't parted with it. if us men have riz up to such a hite with one rib lackin' who knows how fur we should have gone up with the hull on 'em." "that hain't the pint," sez uncle sime. "the pint is, how dast wimmen feel so big and claim to be equal to us men, when they think how, and why, and what out of they wuz created. wimmen ort to feel thankful and grateful to men that she wuz made at all. how would she felt if she hadn't been made? i guess she would feel pretty cheap and not put on so many airs, and be hikein' round preachin' to her superiors." in his excitement uncle sime had enunciated that crushin' argument in a ruther loud tone. we wuz settin' on the back stoop and samantha comin' out to shake the table-cloth must have hearn it. but instead of actin' humiliated and crushed by that masterly argument she looked at us kinder queer over her specs, folded her table-cloth camly and said nothin'. and after she went in uncle sime resoomed his unanswerable arguments. "why, beside bible proofs i can prove it in a scientific way. weigh up a man's bones in the stillyards and they'll weigh one hundred pounds more or less, jest the bones. and now jest think on the preposterous idee of that one little rib bone a risin' up right in the face of science and reason, and pretendin' to be equal to the hull carcass. and worse yet tryin' to stomp on him and bring him down to her level by votin'. why, if adam had hearn to me and kep' that rib bone where it wuz, jest think what the world would have escaped, think of the jealousies, angers, revenges, weariness, expenses, wars, ruin and bloodshed caused through the centuries by changin' that rib bone into a female!" i wuz astounded to see how deep uncle sime had doven into the great mysteries of human existence, not but what i'd have thought it out myself, if i'd had time from fambly cares. but uncle sime went on, "jest think, josiah, of wimmen's wild and turbulent doin's and the commotions and troubles and sufferin's wimmen has caused males, and then think how quiet and peaceable that rib wuz before it had been meddled with, and brought into the woman question. a layin' there in adam's side onquestionin' and cam. never startin' up and argyin' with the liver or diafram, never sassin' the spinal collar, or disputin' the knee jints, that one small bone risin' up, and demandin' the rights that justly belong to the hull carcass. oh, what lessons to female suffragists can be drawed from that scientific fact, and how fur they can be drawed." as long as i'd knowed uncle sime i never had realized before he wuz such a deep thinker, and had such a fund of scientific knowledge to back up his arguments. of course i had 'em too, all on 'em, layin' dormer inside on me. * * * * * of course it made a tremendous stir in jonesville when the startlin' news got out that i wuz writin' a book agin female suffrage with the settled intention and firm determination of puttin' an end to it forever. it lifted me up to such a tottlin' hite in the estimation of the male jonesvillians that it would have gin a weaker man the big head and made 'em liable to fall off. but such is my strength of mind that i kep' cool on the outside, talked in a friendly and patronizin' way to samantha and the neighborin' wimmen, associated with the folks that had the honor to live round me, and wore the same hat. the creation searchin' society of jonesville called a special meetin' to congratulate me and themselves on havin' their views on the inferiority of wimmen disseminated in my book through the entire habitable globe. i knowed my beliefs regardin' wimmen wuz the same as theirn, for we had often laid them views out side by side and compared 'em together. and uncle sime bentley when i first told him on't shed tears of joy and sez he: "at _last_, at _last_ the men of jonesville, the male men, are goin' to be hearn from, and did justice to." and he grip holt of my hand in one of hisen, and with the other he wep' onto his bandanna handkerchief tears of pure joy and thankfulness. deacon henzy, solomon sypher, deacon bobbett and a lot of other bretheren in the meetin' house, talked to me about the forthcomin' book with a solemn joy and triump in their linements and told me to consider and weigh well every word i writ, up to the very ounce, "for," sez they, "the broad onwinkin' eye of the world is on you and in that eye we male jonesvillians have been demeaned and lowered and looked down on by the abominable things that wuz writ by----" but i riz up my right hand and arm in a noble jester of warn, and sez i, "not one word agin samantha, bretheren, not a word!" they see the stern wild glare in my eye, and turned it off by sayin', "things have been writ by a female who shall be nameless, that has had a tendency to make us male jonesvillians objects of contemp. and the uroneous and blasphemous idee has been disseminted in them writin's that females are equal to males, and want rights that we know they don't need or deserve, rights that will bring 'em to the brink of ruin if not held back by a manly arm. now it is in the power of a male jonesvillian to lift his sect up on the hite he's been partially knocked off of, by them writin's, and put the weaker inferior sect down into the holler place where they belong. it is your honor and your privelige, josiah allen, to let the hull world see how superior to females, how noble, how grand is the male manhood of jonesville u.s.a." it wuz a solemn occasion, but i riz up to it and told 'em i laid out in my book to make such a change in public opinion that it would shake the very pillows of society, but sez i, "after the shake and the quake is over, things will settle down in their proper place agin. and then as of old, men will take their position as master and females their proper place as the tenderly governed class, lookin' up agin meekly to male men as their nateral gardeens and protectors." ii in which betsy bobbett butts in owing to the inclemency of the inclement weather, and the hardness of the wood (slippery ellum) i would had to split for extra fires, i did the writin' of my great work of destroyin' female suffrage in the common settin' room. i didn't feel above it. as i told samantha, many a immortal work had been writ in a garret, and even in a prison (namely by mr. keats and mr. j. bunyan and others). she didn't dispute me, she kep' right on with her usual housework, bakin', etc., and i almost thought the delicious uroma of her vittles which come in from the contagious kitchen wuz a inspiration to me. so dificult it is to tell what tiny springs feeds the great spoutin' fountain of genius. on the mornin' i made this memorable remark jest quoted, i hadn't more'n got started on my masterly work and wuz settin' almost drownded in the bottomless sea of thought while samantha wuz parin' some apples for pies, havin' fetched her pan into the settin' room, when the magestic onward and upward flow of my thought wuz arrested or dammed up, as you may say figuratively speakin', by the tall awkward obstacle of a onwelcome female figger. it wuz betsy bobbett slimpsey who came in with a red and green plaid shawl wropped round her gant form, and a yeller fascinator on her humbly head. fascinator! who wuz fascinated by it? i wuzn't, no indeed! and so lightnin' quick is my mind to ketch holt of any argument illustratin' wimmen's weakness of inteleck to transcribe in my volume, that i methought instantly how that one article of betsy's attire showed plain the inferiority of her sect that i wuz tryin' to prove to the world. as i glanced at it, my eager soul questioned my active mind, "did you ever ketch a man wearin' anything on his head with such vain silly names," and my mind thundered back to my listenin' soul, "no! no sir!" the strong brain within the manly head would spurn such a coverin', and tread it into the dust. a man's fascination consists of sunthin' inside his skull, his powerful brain, his invincible will, not in a flimsy woosted affair knit with a tattin' hook. with what hauty coldness would a man spurn it, if his wife tried to put it onto his noble head to wear to meetin' or to a neighbors. but to resoom. betsy passed a few triflin' onimportant remarks about the weather, her hens, her husband, etc., but my keen eye pierced through her outward demeanor, which she tried to make nateral, and i see she had a ulterior object in comin' out so early in the mornin'. and soon it broke forth in speech, and she uttered the bold presumptious request that i would let her insert some of her poetry writ before, and after her marriage, in my great forthcomin' volume. for a minute i wuz almost stunted and stumped by the brazen impudence of the idee, that i would let a female have any part however small in that grand work proclaimin' and provin' the superiority of my sect. and havin' a mind so powerful and many sided it can see both sides to once, i methought how onbecomin' it would be in me and how meachin' to let females take part in a work designed to be the ruination of 'em, or that is the ruination of their claims to be equal to the sect i wuz nobly representin'. how could i grant her request without sinkin' down to the low female level? no, i answered her promp in the negative. but she clung to the idee as clost as she ever clung to the various men she had paid attention to until her doom wuz sealed and she had with herculeanium efforts won simon to be her pardner. sez she pleadin'ly, "josiah allen, do let me insert some of my poetry on woman's spear in your noble volume. i feel that my poems deserve immortality, but they won't never git there if a man don't help me to lift 'em up." that idee wuz indeed grateful to me, it naterally would be to any man, but agin i answered her coldly in the negative, samantha lookin' on, but sayin' nothin'. anon betsy turned to her and sez, "josiah allen's wife, will you not help plead with him in the name of a strugglin' sister woman?" samantha kep' on parin' and slicin' her greenin's but sez coldly, "i hain't no objections to it. i guess the verses will correspond pretty well with the rest of the book." "yes, indeed!" sez betsy eagerly. "our two idees about the loftier, superior sect, and the overpowerin' need of wimmen to be protected by 'em, are perfect twins, you couldn't hardly reconize 'em apart." and agin she sez in a still more hungry axent: "do grant my request, josiah allen; poetry makes a book so interestin'. mebby it hain't necessary, but some like the tail feathers of a rooster, though they may not add to the weight of the fowl; without 'em he has a bare lonesome look. poetry may not add to the strength and matchless power of your arguments, probably nothin' could; but somehow a book looks sort o' bare and lonely without these feathery gushin's of the soul." sez i in a cold austere axent, "i have laid out to enrich the prose pages of my great work with my own poetry, some as lovely flowers might appear on the smooth side of a volcano, softenin' and amelioratin' the comin' roar and rush of the destroyin' fire and flames, that is to bust out and burn up error and mistook idees in females." "oh, what eloquence! what grand thoughts!" sez betsy claspin' her yeller cotton gloves together, and lookin' up to me in almost worship. "what a inteleck has been burnin' under that bald head for years. no wonder it is bald, no hair could live in such a fiery atmosphere." as she said this my feelin's softened towards her and i felt different than i did feel. i had never liked betsy bobbett slimpsey; she wuz always too sentimental and persistent to suit me. when i wuz a widow man she paid me a lot of attention oninvited and onrecipercated. i never responded to her ardent overtoors. i spurned her poetry from me. and she wuz a slack housekeeper, and mizuble cook, which always riles men, and i felt relieved and glad when she got round simon slimpsey and won him to be her husband. but i do like her idees on man's supremacy and her clingin' idees on marriage. such voylent and persistent efforts in that direction, by elderly onmarried females are esteemed worthy of every man's admiration, when directed in another direction than himself. i own i suffered from them clingin' idees of hern durin' my widowerhood till samantha rendered me immune. but under all them sufferin's of mine and my almost hopeless efforts to shy off from her, and avoid her, yet i felt that her adorin' love and her warm clingin' attentions to males wuz eminently becomin' to a female if only turned off from me onto some more willin' man. all these thoughts chased each other through my brain, but still i kep' the cool superiority of my sect and sez coldly: "i want no female thought to cumber and weigh down the sails of my skyward bound volume." but sez she in a humble pleadin' manner, so becomin' in a female and agreeable to males, "my poetry all breathes the weakness and inferiority of my sect, and the overwhelmin' need we have to be protected by the nobler uplifteder sect. and though simon has been bedrid for years and his brain had softened even when we wuz wed, and he and his numerous children have been hard for my emmanuel strength to support and take care on, yet i found in my union to a male man a dignity and rest i had never known in my more single state." here betsy sithed hard a few times, for she wuz indeed weary, she works hard and fares hard and shows it, but she continued: "is it not possible that in a humble way my verses may give a tiny puff of wind, that added to your mighty roarin' gusts will waft your grand craft upward and onward on its heaving sent mission of elevatin' men up, and helpin' 'em in this turrible epock of time they're passin' through. and rebukin' and lowerin' females down for their bold doin's, in opposin' and badgerin' their natural gardeens and protectors, their brazen efforts to be equal to 'em which is a crime agin nater. "for though as i said, simon can't lift his head from the piller, and his language to me is awful at times, and extremely profane, and boot-jacks have been throwed at me, and teacups and sassers smashed agin my form, and milk porridge and catnip tea have deluged me from them flyin' cups and bowls, yet, as i said, i felt through all, even when i wuz bruised and wet as sop, that when he gin me his name at the altar, he gin with it a dignity and uplifted feelin', that nothin' else could give or take away. and i would fain have them womanly idees of mine made immortal by appearin' in your noble volume as a pattern for bolder onwomanly wimmen to foller." as betsy paused i once more waded out bare legged into the sea of thought. thinkses i even a tiny drop of water helps to make the mighty ocean, and the ocean he never repels the humble drop. though a female, betsy wuz a human bein' like myself. wuz it right for me to deny her the boon of immortality in the pages of my great work? what wuz my duty in the matter? i rubbed my forward, behind which my brain wuz revolvin' with lightnin' speed, with my forefinger, gittin' considerable ink on the outside of my brain (namely my forward) which samantha reminded me of afterwards and finally i sez: "i will give this triflin' matter due consideration, betsy slimpsey, and let you know the result of my cogitations. and now," sez i, wavin' my hand towards the outside door in a noble lordly wave, "woman depart! leave me to my thoughts." she went, samantha accompanyin' her to the doorstep on which i hearn her dickerin' with betsy for some rhode island hen's eggs to set, so irresponsive and oncongenial is a female pardner ofttimes and onmindful of the great historical event happenin' so near her, and the great man she is throwed amongst. alas! how often is genius bound down and trammeled in its own environment. when samantha come in lookin' cheerful, for she could git the eggs on a even swop for our brown leghorns, i asked her agin about it, for every married man will testify that you can't depend on what a pardner will say before other wimmen on such a occasion. sez i, "would you honor betsy by lettin' her put some of her verses in my great volume? do you think," sez i anxiously, "that it will clog and weigh it down too much?" sez she, "it may be a good thing to have some weight hitched to it." i didn't really know what she meant, but as she immegiately retired into the buttery to make and roll out her pie crust, i didn't want to interrupt her, for every man knows that a woman needs the hull of what little mind she's got at such a time. such apple pies as samantha makes with tender flaky crust and delicious interior are a work of art, and requires ondivided attention. so i wuz throwed back onto my own resources and judgment, and didn't try to argy no more. duty and pity for her and her sect conquerored in the end, and the next day i gin my consent and betsy sent down by one of her various stepchildren a bran sack full of her poetry, which i emptied for convenience into a huge dish pan which wuz exempt from work by age. how tickled and full of triump betsy wuz, and it wuz enough to tickle any female to have her poetry appear in the pages of my gigantic effort. the follerin' verses of hern writ before her marriage i culled at random from the dish pan and subjoin: wimmen's spear _or whisperin's of nature to betsy bobbett_ last night as i meandered out to meditate apart, secluded in my parasol, deep subjects shook my heart. the earth, the skies, the prattling brooks all thundered in my ear- it is matrimony, it is matrimony, that is a woman's spear. day, with a red shirred bunnet on had down for china started, its yellow ribbons fluttered o'er her head as she departed- she seemed to wink her eyes on me as she did disappear- and say it is matrimony, betsy that is a woman's spear. a rustic had broke down his team, i mused almost in tears, how can a yoke be borne along by half a pair of steers? even thus in wrath did nature speak hear, betsy bobbett, hear; it is matrimony, it is matrimony, that is a woman's spear. i saw a pair of roses like wedded pardners grow, sharp thorns did pave their mortal path, yet sweetly did they blow. they seemed to blow these glorious words into my willing ear, it is matrimony, it is matrimony that is a woman's spear. two gentle sheep upon the hills, how sweet the twain did run, as i meandered gently on and sot down on a stun; they seemed to murmur sheepishly oh betsy bobbett, dear- it is matrimony, it is matrimony, that is a woman's spear. sweet wuz the honeysuckle's breath upon the ambient air, sweet wuz the tender coo of doves, yet sweeter husbands are; all nature's voices poured these words into my willing ear, b. bobbett, it is matrimony, that is a woman's spear. iii i talk on wimmen's duty to marry cephas slinker stopped yesterday mornin' and had a little talk with me over the barnyard fence. i pitied cephas; he don't live happy with his wife, she's hard on him, and they have frequent spells. they had one last night, and he got up and started for jonesville quick as he'd had his breakfast. he said he never stopped to git a stick of wood or a pail of water (they bring their water from a spring under the hill) but he hurried away he said for fear she'd begin on him agin, and aggravate him. he wanted sympathy, and i see he needed it, so he told me about it. he's been out of a job for some time, and his wife has took in washin' and worked round for the neighbors to keep 'em goin'. he said he wuz to jonesville all day yesterday lookin' for a job. he said he thought the best way to find one wuz to set right still in some place where men wuz comin' and goin' all the time, so they could see him handy if they wanted to hire him. but he said he never got a job, or no hopes of one, and he went home completely discouraged and deprested, and he said that if he ever felt the need of tender words from a comfortin' companion it wuz then; he said he felt so bad that he went in and busted these words right out to his wife, "i want to be soothed and comforted." and if you'll believe it she told him, "if he wanted to be soothed to soothe himself." jest so hash and onfeelin' she spoke. he said she wuz splittin' kindlin' wood at the time to git supper, and she struck at that wood as if she would bring the woodhouse down. and i guess from his tell that he gin it to her hot and heavy. but 'tennyrate she refused outright to soothe and comfort him, and if that hain't a wife's duty what is? it has always been called so, as i told samantha. she asked what cephas and i wuz talkin' so long about, and i had to tell her. and she said she see miss slinker go home from deacon gowdey's where she'd done a two weeks washin'. she wuz pushin' the baby carriage in front of her with her twins in it, and a bag of potatoes, and little cephas draggin' at her skirts and cryin' to be carried, and she looked as if she would sink down in her tracts. and it seemed, sez samantha, "as tired as she wuz she had to split wood to git supper. and how could she soothe and comfort anybody droudgin' round as she had all day and all wore out? under the circumstances it wuzn't reasonable in cephas to ask it." that's jest the way on't, wimmen will argy and argy and try to have the last word. i wouldn't say no more for i knowed it wuz no use. but i must say that when samantha has the time she's always ready to soothe and comfort me if i'm in trouble. she sez it is a woman's nater to want to help and comfort the man she loves, but he ort to be reasonable and not ask it of her as cephas did. under such circumstances she said it wouldn't hurt him to soothe her a spell. i see i couldn't make no headway arguin' with her, so i kep' demute and went to writin' on the subject i'd laid out to hold forth on which is as follers. when the first thought of writin' this great work bust onto my soul like the blazin' sun risin' up and pourin' down his dazzlin' beams onto jonesville and the surroundin' world, there wuz one idee that stood towerin' up like a light house. one fundamental truth i laid out to lift up so high and make so plain that even a female's feeble comprehension could grasp it, and see its first and primary importance. and that wuz that wimmen should not try to have rights, but at all hazards and under all circumstances not fail to marry a man, and secondly i laid out to prove that them two things matrimony and rights could never by any possibility be combined and run together. [illustration: "and she looked as if she would sink down in her tracts"] for truly these two great truths are what we male men have considered the very ground work and underpinnin' of our strongest and most unanswerable arguments agin wimmen's suffrage, marriage--home--clean children--housework--good vittles--oh, how sweet them words have always sounded in men's ears and are still a soundin', and how eminently fitted to wimmen's weak tender minds and patient confidin' naters. and how obnoxious and loathsome to every male ear have been and are now, the words justice--freedom--equality. oh, how continuously and loudly have my male bretheren, we and us, twanged upon them two strings on life's lyre, and tried to make females jine in the melogious song, tried to make 'em comprehend the beauty and full meanin' on 'em. and right here before i go any furder mebby i ort to stop and make it plain to the modern female who is always tryin' to pick flaws and argy, that i said l-y-r-e and not liar, which they might out of clear aggravation try to make out i meant when i made the hullsale insertion that marriage is woman's duty, and a perfect heaven on earth, and woman's suffragin' is ruination and come straight from hadees. i had writ a hull chapter full of the most beautiful and high flown eloquence on this most congenial subject, and proved i thought to every right minded person that it wuz the duty and delightful privelige of every female to stop immegiately seekin' for rights, and marry to a man to once. it wuz a lovely chapter, and very affectin' in spots, so much so i shed several tears over it, as i told samantha, when she glanced over it at my request. i longed for her appreciation of my genius, if she didn't share my idees, but she only made this remark: "no wonder you shed tears! it is enough to make a graven image weep." she didn't explain what she meant by this remark. but i most knew by the looks on her linement that she wuz makin' light on't. but i wuzn't goin' to pay no attention to slurs comin' from them that want rights. her remark only goaded me on to amplify on the beautiful subject, and i had spent i presoom to say most a teaspunful of ink, and pretty nigh half a pad of paper, besides a soul full of emotion on it, when my dear friend and literary adviser, uncle sime bentley come in, and samantha bein' then out in the buttery makin' sugar cookies and spice cake, i had a clear field and read the chapter over to him, longin' for sympathy and admiration, and feelin' sure i'd tapped the right tree to git the sweet sap of true understandin' and appreciation flow out and heal my wownded sperit, when to my great surprise (and it wouldn't been any more shock to me if i'd tapped a butnut tree and see it run blue ink) uncle sime jined in with samantha's idees, and objected to my hullsale insertion that it wuz the bounden duty of every human bein' to marry. as i read it over to him, expectin' to be interrupted by a warm hand grasp of sympathy and lovin' praise of my idees, i see a dark shadder pass over his linement and he wiggled round oneasy in his chair and finally he said: "that won't do, josiah! you've got to change that or you'll git lots of the jonesvillians down on you," sez he. "there are a good many bacheldors round here, and their feelin's will feel hurt." sez i in a sombry dissapinted axent, "i guess i can handle the subject so's not to hurt their feelin's." "id'no," sez he, "lots on 'em might have married if they'd wanted to, and there are three or four grass widowers too, or mebby i should say hay widowers, for they're pretty old for grass." and simon continued feelin'ly: "this book of yourn, josiah, is as dear to me as if it sprung like a sharp simeter from my own brain, and i can't bear to see you make any statement in it that will be called a slur on our sect." strange as it wuz i hadn't thought on that side of the subject till simon pinted it out to me, my barn chores and fambly cares are so wearin' on me that it had slipped my mind, though probable i should thought on't of my own accord when i had time. but i see the minute my attention wuz drawed to it that i must meller the chapter down for the good of my own sect. and after simon went home (he had come to borry a auger) i meditated on the other side, what you might call the off side of the argument and i see different from what i had seen. and i brung up convincin' incidents and let 'em run through my mind. firstly, i see i wuz hittin' my dear friend simon, hittin' him hard, for he wuz a bacheldor, though he thought too much on me to mention his own wownded feelin's. but when i realized what i had done it fairly stunted me, for it wuz like kickin' my own shins with a hard cowhide boot to hit simon. and i see that take it with all the grass and hay widowers, and what you might call plain bacheldors, there wuz a good many male jonesvillians who would had reason to feel riled up, and i wuzn't one to cast no slurs onto my own sect. id'no why a number of them bacheldors hadn't married, for they wuz well off and might have married if they'd wanted to. i guess it wuz jest because they didn't feel like it. and my mind is so strong and keen i see immegiately how that would spile my argument that females must turn their backs on rights, and marry at all hazards and under all circumstances. for it stands to reason that a woman can't marry if a man is not forthcomin', and hadn't ort to be blamed for it. and i could see every time a man hung back it left a female in the lurch. i see i must wiggle out on't the best i could for i'll be hanged when it come down to brass tacks and i figgered it out, i dassent print a word of what i'd writ; as beautious and eloquent as it wuz i had got to drop it onwillin'ly into the waist basket. for i see that besides a lackage of men caused by hangin' back which wuz of itself a overwhelmin' argument, i see how lots of the females wuz situated that had turned their backs on matrimony. susan jane adsit stayed to home to take care of her old father, and by the time he died she'd got off the notion of marryin'. huldah pendergrast wuz humbly as the old harry, and samantha sez that a man always puts a pretty face before reason or religion, 'tennyrate no man had ever asked her to marry i knowed, so how could she help her single state. amelia burpee wuz left a orphan with five younger children that she promised her dyin' ma to take care on, and when she got them all rared up and settled down in life, she wuz too tuckered out to think of matrimony. and serepta corkins wuz a born man hater, would git over the fence ruther than meet one in the road. she didn't want a man, and heaven knows a man didn't want her. luella pitkin's bo died durin' engagement, and she never wanted to look at a man after that. and her sister, drusilla, wuz all took up with music, and no man could ever take the place with her of b flat, or high g. and abigail mooney's feller she wuz engaged to got led off and married another girl, and abigail went into a incline and the doctor had hard work to raise her up, besides all her own folks did with spignut and wild cherry bark and other strengthenin' and soothin' herbs. and almina hagadone's feller left her because she fell and broke her hip durin' engagement. and id'no but it wuz for the best, for how could she bring up a fambly with only one hip. and so it went on, the hull train of single wimmen swep' through my brain, follered by a crowd of widders, grass, and hay, and sod. and as i mentally stared at 'em i see what i'd done on insistin' that they should every one on 'em marry a man and stay to home, when they hadn't no man and no home to stay in. why, i wuz fairly browbeat and stumped to see what a ticklish place i would stood in with the jonesvillians, if i had writ my chapter as i laid out to, that wimmen _must_ marry and must _not_ vote. i see i had got to turn round and take a new tact. but it wuz like tearin' a bulldog from a good shank bone to uproot a man from that inborn belief. and i thought it over pro and con, con and pro, till my head got fairly dizzy and in one of the dizziest spells this thought come to me that mebby simon's bein' a bacheldor had hampered him and colored his advice, and thinkses i before i lay down in the dust my old beloved belief for good and all, it won't do any hurt to jest mention the subject casually to samantha agin, which i did. i sez in a meachiner axent than i ginerally use, for i felt fur more meachin' than i had felt, sez i, "samantha, wimmen ort to marry instead of votin'." and she sez, "why can't they do both? men marry and vote." "but," sez i, recoverin' with a herculaneum effort a little of my usual feelin' of male superiority, "that is very different, samantha. men have bigger, roomier minds, wimmen and politics can sort o' run side by side through 'em without crowdin' each other. but female minds bein' more narrer and contracted they naterally can't, and hadn't ort to try to hold more'n one on 'em. "but," sez i with a last effort to put forth the beautious arguments that my sect has clung to for ages, i sez in a deep protectin' axent, "marriage is the holiest, the most beautifulest state on this earth." "yes," sez samantha reasonably, "a happy marriage is, i guess, about as nigh heaven as folks ever git on earth, but how many do you find, josiah?" "oceans on 'em," sez i, "oceans on 'em," for i wuzn't goin' to spile my argument entirely till i had to. "yes," sez samantha, "there is once in a while one that looks so from the outside, and mebby it looks so from the inside. but," sez she, "the hands of divorce lawyers are pretty busy nowadays. marriage," sez samantha, "is a divine institution, but its beauty has been dimmed by the rust of unjust and foolish idees and practices. always when time honored customs change from the old to the new, from bad to better, there is a period of upheaval and unrest, until the new becomes natural and common. "wimmen," sez samantha, "are beginin' to look upon marriage differently than they used to. they look now on both sides of the question. instead of settin' with folded hands in a shadowy bower, waitin' and listenin' for the prancin' steed that is to bring the prince to her feet to ask for her lily white hand, which she gives him with grateful, rapturous tears of joy, wimmen are now standin' up on their feet in broad daylight, lookin' on every side of the marriage question and lettin' the full light of day shine on it, the same light they've got to live under after the hazy days of the honeymoon are over." them forward practical idees of hern riled me, and i sez, "i guess men have sunthin' to complain on in the marriage question." "yes indeed they have," sez samantha (with a justice no doubt ketched from me). "lots of silly simperin' girls look upon marriage as a means to be supported without labor, an unlimited carnival of picture shows, circuses and candy. but in the good times comin' when men have learned not to look exclusively for a pretty face and kittenish ways, and seek the sterling qualities of common sense, thrift, and industry, qualities that will keep the domestic hearth bright when the honeymoon has waned, girls will begin to prize and practice these traits which men find admirable. "and another thing, josiah, thoughtful inteligent wimmen are getting so they don't admire the crop of wild oats that used to be considered inevitable, and in a way dashing and admirable. instead of blindly accepting what the prince danes to bestow upon her and asking nothing in return, she demands the same things of him he asks of her, the same purity he demands of her, and why not the same moral and legal rights, since they are both human bein's, made as all mortals are of god and clay?" i gin a deep groan here, showin' plain how distasteful them forward onwomanly idees wuz to me. but she went right on onheedin' my sithes, or the dark frown gatherin' on my eyebrows. sez she, "so many avenues of pleasant lucrative employment are open now to wimmen, and the epithet, old maid, is not as of old a badge of contumely, that wimmen won't take a ticket for the lottery of marriage, for but one reason, the only reason that ever made marriage honorable and respectable, and that is true love, not a light mental fancy, nor a short lived physical attraction, but the love that in spite of earthly shadows illuminates hovel and palace, and makes both on 'em the ante-room of paradise. the love that upholds, inspires, overlooks faults, is constant in sun and shade, and lasts down to the dark valley, and throws its light acrost it into the very land of light." them words sounded good to me, they sounded some like what i had writ more formerly on the subject, and i jined in fervently. "yes, indeed, and why can't females settle down in matrimony and stay to home with their famblys, and take care of their children?" and i quoted a few words from the dear chapter i had writ first. "there woman is a queen, the poorest female in the slummiest slum is a monark in that sacred place." "yes," sez samantha, "sometimes a good man makes a wife supremely happy. but too often nowdays a bright healthy young woman finds in the life she has pictured as the dooryard of eden a worse serpent than eve found there, a loathsome souvenir of her husband's old gay life which destroys her own health and happiness, and which she has to hand down to her children's children, makin' 'em invalids and idiots. "the poor workin' mother you speak on if she is well enough can stay at home if she has a home to stay in, and doesn't have to labor outside to sustain it. she can breathe the filthy tenement air, be frozen by its winter, choked by its summer atmosphere, she can guide and guard the youthful steps of her children as far as the doorstep and then she must drop the helpless hand, and if she is inteligent and loving hearted she can wet her pillow with vain tears thinking how her pretty innocent young girl has got to pass vile saloons full of evil men on her way to and from store and factory. the factory filled with gant childish forms, with all the care-free happiness of childhood ground from their faces by the brutal hand of incessant toil. unguarded machinery on every side that one false careless move of her girl may maim or kill. her pretty girl alone strugglin' with ontold dangers. youth's wild blood urging her to indiscreet acts, wolves of prey on one side, grim want on the other. if the mother has a mother's heart, her body may be at home where she is so eloquently urged to be, but her heart will be abroad, in the greater home wimmen want to make safer; the home where her children spend their days. it will be hantin' the factory, the grog shop, the vile picture show, the white slaver's abode, watchin', waitin', for what may happen, what has happened so often to other mothers' children." samantha goes too fur when she gits to goin', and i told her so plain and square, she aggravates me. and to let her see how much i disapproved of her talk i never dained a reply to her in verbal words. but i riz up with a hauty mean on my eyebrow, and went to pokin' the kitchen fire. i poked it with all the strength of a strong man whose arguments have been spilte and whose feelin's have been wownded by his own pardner. but i believe my soul that she thought that i did it as a hint that it wuz about dinner time, for she went out to once and hung on the teakettle. and as she did so she mentioned incidentally that she laid out to have lamb chops and green peas and mashed potatoes for dinner, with peach pie and coffee to foller. as she said this my angry emotions settled down and grew more clear and composed, some like samantha's delicious coffee, when she drops the powdered eggshells into it. iv i talk on man's protectin' love for wimmen it wuz a beautiful mornin'. i felt boyed up by the invigoration of the invigoratin' atmosphere, the boyness helped along mebby by three cups of samantha's delicious coffee with rich cream in it, three veal cutlets brown and tender, four hot rolls light as day, several flaky baked potatoes and some biled eggs. i felt well and i devoted my muse on this auspicious occasion to writin' specially on the protectin' love and care that men had always shown and delighted to show to females. it wuz a subject that i loved and my mind and tongue had often reverted to, follerin' the example of all the other good and great statesmen who have talked and writ on the feminist question. and i felt that i wuz abundantly qualified to do justice to it, havin' protected samantha and lovin'ly guarded her weak footsteps for goin' on forty years. i set with my steeled pen in hand and got so lost and wropped up in contemplation of the beautiful and inspirin' subject, and plannin' how i would handle it to the best advantage, that time passed onheeded and first i knowed i hearn by the sound of dishes rattlin' in the near and adjacent kitchen that samantha wuz beginin' to make preparations for dinner. the kitchen as i said wuz contagious to the settin' room and the door wuz open. i had laid out and intended to begin the chapter on this important and most congenial subject with some strong stern language calculated to shame wimmen for the unbelievin' remarks they had made on this beautiful and universal trait of my sect, and their seemin' teetotle inability to appreciate the constant onvaryin' and lovin' protection that men had always gin to the weaker and more inferior sect. i remembered well how in a former talk with samantha on this subject, though she had admitted willin'ly enough that there wuz lots of good generous men runnin' loose in the world. yet she tried to dispute my insertion that _all_ men _always_ cared for and tenderly protected wimmen, by bringin' up instances where she claimed men had balked and kicked over the traces, and instead of protectin' wimmen had run 'em away into ruination and destruction. she brung up white slavery, political, social and industrial dependence, and the average man's inherient objection to regard wimmen as a citizen and plain human bein', bein' inclined to regard 'em either as angels or underlin's. and a lot of other trashy arguments calculated to rile a man up, yes mad a man to the very quick, who knowed what he wuz talkin' about. one who had spent the heft of his life in protectin' and guidin' her that now turned agin him and disputed him. a man who knowed as well as he knowed the looks of his linement in the shavin' glass, that man's protectin' love and care wuz all that had held wimmen up, and wuz still a proppin' her. i spoze in my righteous indignation i may have said kinder hash things about the low down ornary traits of the inferior sect to which samantha belonged, for she begun to bring up traits that she said some of my sect had, and throw 'em at me, traits that i know no man ever had or skursley ever had hearn on. but i must say that all the while riled up as she wuz inside of her, she kep' knittin' away on my indigo blue sock, and kep' makin' honorable exceptions of good men and smart men. but she brung up vanity, said i and my sect wuz vain. sez she, "if a woman tries to talk sense and reason to a man about her needs and her rights, he will generally pay her a compliment about her eyes or her nose. 'tennyrate he will turn the subject some way and won't listen to her. but if she makes eyes at him, and talks soft nonsense, and flatters him, he will purr like a pussy cat." 'tain't so. who ever hearn a man purr? purrin' is sunthin a man's nater would rebel at and scorn with perfect contemp. but i smashed that argument about vanity to once and forever. sez i so scathin'ly that it seemed as if she must show signs of scorchin', "did you ever see a man wear a cosset? or carry a vanity bag?" and then still a knittin' and still makin' exceptions of some good and generous men, she throwed the trait of selfishness in my face, said my sect had passed along down the fields of time, gatherin' up the ripe wheat and leavin' wimmen to rake up the leavin's. 'tain't so, and even if it wuz, i presoom to say ruth got quite a good bundle of grain out of boazes' wheat field. and then she took pomposity and throwed at me (still a knittin', and still makin' exceptions of some men) said lots of men stood up on a self-made pedestal lookin' down mentally on them who in many cases wuz their superiors, but she added that wimmen wuz more to blame for this trait in men than they wuz, for they had been educated to look up to men instead of lookin' sideways where they ort to find him on a level at her side. it is needless to say to any one who knows my keenness of inteleck that i took immegiate advantage of this slip of her tongue and sez, "i am glad that you admit, samantha, that wimmen are always in the wrong. i and my sect have always knowed it, and we've always laid the blame on 'em from eve down to miss pankhurst." and that seemed to set her off agin, and she brung up my blindness. blind as a bat! them wuz her words she throwed at me, at _me_! who has got eyes as keen as a eagle's. that injustice did rankle and make me hash and say hash things. but she kep' cam on the outside, kep' on with her knittin' and intimidated agin that though there wuz lots of good generous men in the world, yet it had always been a trait of the average man from solomon to harry thaw to look upon woman as a plaything or a convenience. and then she brung up inconsistency and how men showed it in the laws they made, _criminal inconsistency_, she called it. sez she, "a girl must be twenty-one when she is considered by men lawmakers wise enough to sell them a hen, or buy a cat. but yet at the age of ten in one state, twelve in another, she is considered by them wise and prudent enough to sell them the crowning jewel of her life with the payment of lifelong shame, agony, and despair, and mebby a little candy. men make such laws," sez she, "not for their own sweet young girls, but for some other men's daughters, just like the infamous white slave traffic that sells every year thousands and thousands of young girls into a livin' death. and i think," sez she, "when men make such shameful barbarous laws it is high time for 'em to have help from angels or wimmen or sunthin' or ruther." "that hain't religious, samantha," sez i, "to speak of angels makin' laws, tendin' corkuses and such. as a deacon i object to it." sez she, "as a deacon you better object to the laws i'm talkin' about, and if clergymen, deacons and church members generally, would all rise agin 'em, they'd be stamped out pretty sudden." sez she, "when the young girls of our country are considered of equal importance with cows and clover to oversee and protect, there will be different laws, and i believe wimmen's votin' will hasten that day." there is always a time for a man if he wants to keep his dignity intack before females, to stop arguin' with 'em. that time had come to me at that juncture, and i knowed that it would be more dignified to show a manly superiority to such hullsale calumnity of my sect so i looked hautily at her, and didn't dain to reply to her in verbal words though i grated my teeth some, as i walked out of the settin' room with head erect into the kitchen, and brought in a armful of wood from the contagious woodshed with my head still held high, and hung on the teakettle with a hauty mean. for i felt that some of samantha's good vittles would soothe my wownded and perturbed sperit if anything could and they did cam me. i thought of that former interview with my pardner as i sot there preparin' my mind for the masterful effort i wuz about to make. as i said more formerly i had intended to begin the chapter at this epock of time with a few witherin' remarks calculatin' to rebuke wimmen and wither 'em. i laid out to stun 'em and skair 'em with the artillery of my brilliant eloquence, my protectin' love for the weaker sect riz up so powerful, and my anger wuz so hot agin them that had dasted to deny it. i felt that they _did_ believe in men's constant and tender protection, but held out and denied it jest to be mean, jest to carry out their sect's well known desire to argy and aggravate us. and as i meditated on these things and thought of my former talk with samantha i have jest related, i held my steeled pen in almost a iron grip, and my linement i knowed growed fearful to look upon, charged as it wuz with the awakened powers of a strong man. when jest as i wuz beginin' the turrible rebukin' words samantha opened the oven door in the contagious kitchen and the fragrant breath of a lemon custard pie floated out, accompanied with the delicious uroma of a roast chicken with dressin'. and as on so many former occasions, the delicious odor seemed to enter into and permenate my hull mental and physical systern and soften 'em and quiet my wild and dangerous emotions, i felt mellerer towards her and her sect, and i held my steeled pen in a gentler, softer grip. and instead of the thunderbolt of convincin' argument i had even begun to transcribe, i sez to samantha, who had come in with a pan of potatoes to peel, and my voice wuz as sweet as the lemon custard. "you do know, don't you, dear samantha, that it has always been men's chief aim and desire to protect the weaker inferior sect?" sez i tenderly. "any man that has the sperit of manhood within him will agree with me." agin i inhaled into my nostrils the sweet uroma comin' from the contagious kitchen, and sez i in a still tenderer axent, "men love to protect wimmen, don't you think so?" sez samantha in a cam reasonable voice peelin' away at her potatoes, "a man loves to protect and warn a woman agin every man only himself." sez she, "amanda peedick wuz protected by men and warned." and i sez kinder short, my tenderer emotions driv back into myself, "what of it, what if she wuz!" and then she had to go on and recall to my mind that triflin' incident that had occurred and took place in jonesville the fall before. sez she, "you remember, josiah, old man peedick who wuz rich as a jew, left all his money to his boys, a handsome propputy to each one on 'em, and almina who had stayed to home and took care on him, and lifted him, and rubbed him, and soaked him, and swet him, and dressed and fed him, he only left the house and apple orchard. "the boys all had splendid homes in the city, but their houses wuz either too big or too small, or too hot or too cold, to have almina live with 'em, and she wuz expected to git her livin' out of the apples. they wuz first class grafts, none so good anywhere round, and brought the very highest price, and she would got a good livin' and laid up money, if she had been left alone, if she hadn't been protected and warned. "but every single one of them brothers would come out from the city and warn her agin the other brothers, and tell her how easy it wuz for a weak innocent woman to be deceived and cheated by designin' men, her nearest relation mebby. and that a gentle female's mind wuzn't strong enough to grapple with depravity, and she must lean on him for protection, and he would see her through, so every single one on 'em told her, and warned her agin the other six brothers. "and amanda would feel real affectionate and grateful to each one on 'em in turn, and be glad she had such a strong protector and warner to take care of her. and every single time they come to protect and warn her they would take home a few bushels of them delicious apples, and when they got through protectin' and warnin' her, she didn't have apples enough left to make a mess of sass." but what of it, what had that got to do with my great work that wuz seethin' through my brain? that shows how triflin' and how ornary a woman's mind is, to bring up that old story whilst my brain wuz workin' to a almost dangerous degree inside of my forward tryin' to prove to the female masses at large the great fact of men's protectin' love and the needecessity for it, to prove to 'em as i laid out to prove to the listenin' world that wimmen wuz naterally inferior to men, their brains smaller and lighter, when weighed up in the stillyards. their emmanuel strength less, their idees more whifflin' and onstabled, and that therefore and accordin'ly wimmen needed and had got to have man's masterful mind and emmanuel strength to protect her from the evils and wickedness of the world, and specially from the awful tuckerin' and dangerous job of votin'. at this juncter i paused for a minute to collect my thoughts together and then i brought forth from my brain this convincin' argument. if wimmen don't need a man to protect her and take care on her, why is she so much more ignorant of sin and depravity? why is there five times more men in prisons and penitentiaries than there is wimmen, if they knowed as much about crime as men do? "no," sez i, soarin' up in eloquence, "what a man has been through and been educated up to in business and political life, he knows how to protect tender females from. why," sez i, fairly carried away on the wings of my own eloquence, "men can teach wimmen more in one day about criminal wickedness, graft, false witnessing, drunkenness, bribery, political corruption of all kinds, than she can learn from her own sect in months. not but what," sez i reasonably, "she can learn some from some on 'em, but not nigh so much nor nigh so fast." i didn't know but samantha would take lumbago from my cuttin' remarks, but she didn't seem to. she took up her pan of peeled potates and prepared to leave the room. but as she went out she said sunthin' agin about that old debatin' school, and the feller she always tried to git on the other side of the argument, so's to help her out. showin' as plain as the nose on your face jest how queer wimmen are, how their minds will wander, and how impossible it is to keep 'em down to the subject under discussion. v wherein i prove man's courtesy towards wimmen in my tremenjous efforts to succor my sufferin' and women-hounded sect at this awful epock of time, i have already held forth on the beautiful and congenial subject of the love and protectin' care males have always loved to show towards females. but agin i take up my steeled pen to write upon this most important subject. for i agin warn my sect solemnly that this beautiful trait in me and us, is what we should enlarge upon, and insist on makin' the female sect admit at this epock of danger and revolt. yes, my sufferin' sect, we should make 'em own up to it, peacefully if we can, but if necessary let us insert it into their obstinate craniums with a crowbar and hammer. for though a weaker inteleck may not grasp its importance and extreme needecessity, it is plain to the eagle eye of a researcher and reformer of females that if they admit this, they have got to admit all that follers, the perfect peace and rest they feel surrounded by these noble traits as by a shinin' mantilly. with this worthy end in view i've tried to warn samantha time and agin that if females insisted on risin' up and demandin' their rights they would become so obnoxious to the stronger and opposite sects that men would lose that tender courtesy they have always loved to show towards wimmen. but i've never been able to skair her, and i don't know as i ever shall. mebby this great work of mine when it is finished and lanched onto a waitin' world may dant her, but, i don't know, i feel dubersome about it. sez she when i brung it up to her agin, "men and wimmen are born with different traits; wimmen have love and tenderness and sympathy towards the helpless, babies, husbands, etc.; you insist that votin' hain't changed nor harmed men's courtesy and chivalry you talk so much about, so why should votin' break down these inborn traits in wimmen that men admire?" "but you will see that it will," sez i, "and methought i had proved it to you on a former occasion that it is a scientific fact proved by such scientific men as myself, simon bentley esq., and other deep thinkers, that the very minute a woman goes to the pole that very minute a man's courtesy and chivalry towards her is utterly destroyed." but if you'll believe it even this turrible idee didn't seem to skair her. she sez, "if i can't have but one i'd ruther have justice than courtesy, but i'd like both, and don't see why i can't have 'em." but i sez agin firmly and decisively, "you can't have both on 'em, for if a woman votes, by that brazen and onbecomin' move of hern, wimmen lose that winnin' weakness and appealin' charm for men, their helplessness before the law, and their clingin' dependence upon them to take care of them and their propputy that is so endearin' to my sect. and if they spile this by their obnoxious act of votin' they must take the awful consequences." sez samantha, "it has worked well in other states; it has helped men, wimmen and children mentally, socially and legally. if it wuz such a dangerous thing as you say it is, why have men granted suffrage to wimmen after it has been tried for twenty years or more in a neighborin' state, right in their own dooryard as you may say? would they venter if they hadn't found that it wuz a good thing?" sez i hautily, "i am not talkin' about other states or other countries, or other males or other females. i am working and writing in the interests of jonesville and its environin' environs. i am tryin' to ward off with my right hand, and my steeled pen the waves of error that i see in my own mind sweepin' down nigher and nigher onto us." and i went on with a soarin' eloquence enough to melt the heart of a salamander, "i stand at the gate of jonesville as the boy stood on the burnin' deck when all but him had flowed, and i will stand there protectin' that gate, and us male jonesvillians from infringin' and encroachin' females till i'm sot fire to." i waved out my hand in a noble jester as i spoke, and spozed mebby it would touch samantha's heart. but she looked at me over her specs from head to foot in the cool aggravatin' way wimmen have sometimes, and i read in her eyes the remark she didn't utter: "you hain't big enough to make much of a bonfire." but i didn't reply to that unuttered tant, i felt above it, and went on, "i am not the only man who takes that firm onchangeable position. england has a high official who occupies the same noble poster. he don't heed or care what females want or don't want, nor what other statesmen want or don't want. nor he don't care what is goin' on in other parts of the world, or not goin' on. his proud position is to shield england from the encroachin' army of female suffragists. to do what he's made up his mind to do, and nothin' can't stop him, not threats, nor reason, nor argument, nor broken winders, nor torn coat tails. a good hard shakin' from a female can't change him, nor shake his resolve out of him, nor hunger strikes, nor fleein' wimmen, nor pursuin' ones. he stands side by side with me. and even if it brought the towers of jonesville and england in ruins at our four feet we would not then change our two great minds. "his bizness is to not look to see what is done in other places or not done, but to protect his own green isle from what he's made up his mind is dangerous and infringin'. "oh," sez i with a deep heart felt sithe, "would that we two congenial souls might meet and sympathize with each other. but though sea and land divides our bodies, our sperits meet and flow together." i wuz almost lost in the rapped idee of the sweet conference meetin' we two could enjoy together. but anon i gin my attention to the subject momentarily broke in upon (for my mind is so large and roomy it is big enough for several trains of thought to run through it at one time). and i sez as i remarked prior and heretofore, "samantha, that courtesy in males is a most beautiful trait; you see it everywhere, to mill and to meetin', as the old sayin' is. now last week when i wuz to the conference, uncle sime and i wuz in a crowded street car and a dretful fat woman come in, heftier than you are, samantha." "is it possible?" sez she coldly (she thinks i make light of her heft but i don't; it hain't nothin' to make light of, specially when you lift her in and out the democrat). "yes," sez i, "she wuz even fatter than you are, and she come in red-faced and pantin' from the exertion. and a young chap who had been settin' with two or three other young fellers carryin' on and laughin', the very minute she come wheezin' in, he riz up and sez to her: "'i will be one of three men to give you a seat, madam.' "you see, samantha," sez i, "how that inborn courtesy in males inserted itself even in a street car." "yes, i see," sez samantha in a still colder axent, but i could tell by her linement that she wuzn't a mite convinced. and i went on a praisin' up that noble trait of my sect, and tryin' to convince her how universal it wuz, and how turrible it would be for females to lose it, but she kep' on a knittin' on my blue sock, and sez in quite a reasonable axent for a female to use: "yes, to see a great hearted noble man guard and protect a woman is a beautiful sight, but," sez she, "that trait, though sometimes seen, is not universal." sez i, "it is; it is jest as universal as--as--any universalist ever wuz." but she kep' right on in the persistent, irritatin' way wimmen have; as i've said prior and before, they can't seem to be willin' to give up to man's superior judgment, they're bound to talk and argy. and her voice wuz as firm as any rock in our medder, and if there is anything more firmer and aggravatin' than them i'd like to see 'em. she made me think that minute of them big rocks when i wuz tryin' to plough round 'em. i see i could jest as easy make a furrer through them as through her sot obstinate old mind as she said agin: "men don't always use courtesy towards wimmen." as she made that damagin' insertion agin, is it any wonder that the plough of my manly judgment struck fire from her rocky obstinacy? i acted fearful wrathy and disputed her right up and down. sez i, "that is sunthin' that no man will stand for; they will not brook bein' accused of a lack of courtesy towards wimmen." i acted dretful indignant, for in this turrible time us men have got to lay holt of every little nub of argument and hang onto it like a dog to a bone, or the lord only knows what will become on us, or how low a hole we will be ground down into by the high heels of females. sez samantha, "i admit there are beautiful instances of men protectin' and guardin' wimmen, but how wuz it with fez lanfear? he wuz always boastin' about men's courtesy and chivalry, and how did it come out?" i sot silent and scratched my head for a minute or so, not as samantha intimidated to try to dig out a favorable idee, no, it itched. and i sez, "id'no as i blame fez for always talkin' about this trait in his sect, and id'no as i blame him for what it led to." he see how necessary it wuz to insist on men's havin' these traits, and his wife would argy agin him, and he'd git riled up. he always had to be real sharp with her and boss her, for if he hadn't he would lost the upper hand of her, which every man ort to have, and she would took the advantage on him and run on him. for the propputy all belonged to her and it made fez discouraged, and took his ambition away, and he couldn't seem to set himself to work, and all the comfort he had wuz in arguin' on them traits of men and playin' on the fiddle and base drum, so she rented her place and they lived on what she got for it. but knowin' it wuz her ruff that covered him, and her chairs he sot in, and her vittles he et, and clothes he wore, made him irritated and fraxious, and he knowed he'd got to sass her and act uppish towards her or he wouldn't be nothin' nor nobody. and she would act real disagreeable and tell him she'd love to see some of the courtesy of his sect he talked so much about showed out by him to home, and she doubted he had any, and knowin' that he had oceans of it, for every man has, it naterally madded him. and one washin' day they got to arguin' and he brung up them noble traits of men, and their onvaryin' courtesy and generosity towards wimmen. and right in the midst on't she asked him to bring in two pails of water to finish her washin' on account of her havin' a lame back. he wuz practicin' a new piece entitled "woman, lovely woman," and bein' so interested in it and bein' broke off so sudden from melody and men's noble traits to act as a chore boy (he'd argyed so much he could argy and fiddle) and a smartin' i spoze from the dispute they wuz havin', he wouldn't git her the water and told her real short to git it herself. and as she started with two pails for the water--they brung it up from the creek by hand, for fez had never had time to make a cistern--she twitted him agin about that courtesy of men towards wimmen, and bein' so high strung and independent sperited, he up and hit her and knocked her down, and stood over her a hollerin': "now will you dispute me agin, and say that men don't show any courtesy towards wimmen?" and bein' browbeat and skairt (for he wuz a great strong man and she a little mite of a woman and tired out) she had to knuckle down and admit that men _did_ have courtesy, oceans of it. but he wouldn't git the water, he showed his independence there and she better kep' still and not aggravated him. lots of folks blamed him, samantha did, them that see shaller, and didn't see deep into first causes. he told uncle sime and me jest how it wuz; he said that mad and aggravated as he wuz he didn't forgit that his wife belonged to the weaker and tenderer sect, and it wuz a husband's duty and privelige to take care on her and shield her from harm. and he said he didn't hit her hard at all, only gin her a little tunk to let her know who wuz master there and that he wouldn't brook female arguin', and he said that if she hadn't been so tuckered out it wouldn't have hurt her much of any, and he wuz as surprised as she wuz when she tumbled over. but he said seein' she laid there on the floor he see it wuz his duty to his own sect to make her own up how truly superior men wuz, and how much courtesy they had, for he thought mebby he should never git so good a chance agin to make her own up to them noble traits of men. uncle sime and i both see how fez felt and what driv him to do what he did. i tell you agin it is a perilous and agonizin' epock of time for the male sect at home and abroad. men in america havin' to set curled up on a bench by the side of the road, and see weak wimmen, underlin's, a marchin' by 'em in the center of the street with brass bands and banners a flyin'. and in england the highest official of the empire held by the collar and shook by a weak female jest like a spitball thrower of a schoolboy, and couldn't resent it in court owin' to his havin' so much dignity at the stake. oh, my downtrod sect! what are we a comin' to? i do git so wrought up a meditatin' on the dretful things that are a happenin' to us men nowdays, and how browbeat and how humiliated we are by our inferiors, i git so cast down and deprested that my melancholy sperit has to bust out in poetry. for some time i've had them feelin's. now last christmas night i had such a spell, and i had to git out of bed and put samantha's crazy quilt round me (and it seemed as if that insane quilt made me feel more high strung and wild) and go out in the settin' room and ease my strugglin' sperit in verse. why, sometimes it seems if i didn't have this safety valve to my bustin', swellin' emotions it seems almost as if i should have to be hooped to keep myself together. but poetry kinder easies me a little. now last saturday night i writ the follerin' verses as late as leven p.m. we'd been to meetin' as usual, and had a splendid christmas dinner. samantha, as i have mentioned prior and before this, with all the weaknesses and shortcomin's of her inferior sect, is a masterly cook. but it is all nonsense her thinkin' i et too much; i didn't eat more'n four pieces of mince pie, and three helpin's of plum puddin', besides the turkey and vegetables and salad and such. if a strong man belongin' to a strong and superior sect can't stand that, it is a pity. she insisted that it wuz a nightmair that sot on my chist and rid me out of bed into the settin' room that time o' night. but it wuzn't no such thing, it wuz my melancholy and deprested sperit that overcome me a thinkin' of my sect and what wuzn't to be. it seems as if everything melancholy and cast down appeared right in front on me. seems as if i could see old fate a encouragin' and pompeyin' the more opposite sect, and turnin' her back and lookin' down onto me and my sect, and refusin' me and us things she might have gin us if she'd a mind to. but bein' a female we might know she'd be contrary and love to tromple on us, and on me in petickular. as i sot there in them solemn night hours, with samantha sleepin' peacefully in the next room and the old clock tickin' away as if onmindful of the sufferin' sperit near it, it seemed as if every mean jab old fate had ever gin me from her sharp elbows and hard knuckles riz right up before me, and i seemed to see all the agreable things she might have did for the benefit of me and my sect if she hadn't been so contrary, but as i said, what could you expect of a female? my feelin's wuz turrible; the verses i gin vent to relieved me a little some like prickin' a bile and after writin' 'em i went back to bed and slep' so sound that i never hearn samantha buildin' a fire and gittin' breakfast till the sweet uroma of the coffee and briled chops stole on my wakened senses and i forgot for the moment the trials of me and my sect and felt better than i did feel. the verses wuz entitled: a christmas owed _by josiah allen, esq., p.m.s.j.c.f._ yes christmas has come, it got here at last, a bringin' me memories out of the past, and a pair of galluses, a necktie sad- a gray night-shirt and a paper pad; useful presents, but nothin' gay, _useful presents_, dum 'em! i say! i wanted some jew'lry for the brethren to see, but it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be. ministers preach 'tis a blessed day, and so it is in a meetin' house way; but to me it has been a day of gloom, samantha i see didn't like the broom, and mop-stick, and pair of cowhide shues, it took me the heft of a hour to chuse; it made me deprested, and mournfulee i've mused on the things that wuzn't to be. weak females risin' on every hand pertendin' that they're equal to man- wantin' to stand right up by his side, instead of the place where they ort to abide down in the safety and peace at his feet; oh the dear old times, so happy so sweet, will never come back to my sect, nor to me, no, it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be. yes, i guess old fate made a slip of her pen, when fixin' the lot of the children of men, 'twas bad for the world and for me i ween that i wuzn't born a king or a queen; my bald head shines out bare and cold, or wears a hat, oh a crown of gold would set it off fur agreabler to me, but it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be. fate sets a writin' in darkness and night, 'tain't spozeable she always gits things right; to the poor she sends ten children or more crowdin' in through famine wolves round the door, while for one kid the rich may vainly sigh, but she flirts her skirts and passes 'em by; why hain't villains shot while the good go free? it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be. a poet comes with his dreamy way right into a nest of common clay; and in pious home a soul gits in the size of the hole in the head of a pin; so 'tain't so strange some feller and i should git mixed up on our way through the sky; if i had to be born why not been he. it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be. fate sort o' yanked me and throwed me down on a yankee hillside bare and brown; and gin me a chance to die or live accordin' to labor i had to give; i couldn't eat stuns or a burdock burr, so i had to hustle and make things purr, no bread-fruit round, nor no custard-tree; no, it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be. now that other feller that might have been me by a turn of fate's pen, oh in luxury he lays and counts up his millions in bed, with his crown on the bed-post over his head; i wonder by snum! if he thinks it straight- for me to be small and him to be great; when i might have been him and he might have been me, but it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be. i'd ask how he'd like it to take off his crown and to good hard hoein' knuckle down. or plantin', or hayin', or a weed pullin' bee in onion beds, (dum 'em from a to z!) i bet i could work on his feelin's so deep he'd up and divide a part of his heap, jest a thinkin' of how he might have been me- but it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be. now that feller's wife, i presoom to say that some of the time he has his way; he's so tarnal lucky and happy and fat, it would be jest like him to git even that. oh i'd dearly love to have it to say that _once_, jest _once_ i'd had my way when samantha and i didn't chance to agree, but it wuzn't to be, it wuzn't to be. samantha of course had to find fault with these sad but beautiful verses. and she asked me what them letters meant i had strung along after my name, showin' plain the inherient weakness of a female's brain. of course a man would see to once that they stood for path master and salesman in the jonesville cheese factory. i had talked it over with uncle sime and we both agreed that at this time, when the hull race of men wuz facin' complete insignificance, if not teetotal anhiliation, it behooved us to lay holt of every speck of dignity we could lay our hands on, and we both thought them letters made my name look more noble and riz up. but samantha didn't like the verses at all, and agin advanced the uroneous idee that it wuz my liver that ailed me instead of genius. sez she, "if folks will gorge themselves 'till their eyes stand out with fatness,' as the good book sez, how can they see plain to gratefully count over the blessin's the past year has brought 'em, and lay plans to pass on some of their good cheer to them that set in the shadders of grief and poverty?" she said i'd be all right in a day or two, and if i wuzn't she should soak my head, and doctor me, for, sez she, "i hain't goin' to have anybody round writin' such deprestin' and ongrateful verses. "lots of times," sez she, "if sentimental and melancholy poets would git their livers to workin' better they wouldn't harrer up their readers so. catnip would help 'em to look on the brighter side of life, or thoroughwort." and she didn't like the last pathetic and interestin' stanza; she said i'd had my way, or _thought_ i'd had it time and agin. and agin she said it wuz my liver that ailed me, and she even approached me with some catnip tea. good heavens! _catnip!_ to curb my soarin' sperit, and soothe the ardent emotions of my soul. a regular fool idee. you might know it sprung from a female's brain, or ruther the holler spot where brains should be--gracious heaven! _catnip!_ vi i talk on females infringin' as i've repeated time and agin it is a apaulin' epock of time us males are a passin' through. more and more, day by day and year by year the female sect is a infringin' on us. right after right, privelige after privelige, dear to our manly souls as the very apples in our eyes, are grasped holt on by encroachin' female hands and torn away from us weak and helpless men. from birth to death the infringin' goes on, you can't take up a newspaper now but you see signs on't. in the good old times when a man had a child born to him to carry on his name and his propputy to future generations, he took the credit on't. how is it told on now? instead of puttin' it in as it used to be, and ort to be, "john smith has got a son, john smith jr."--it is writ down now in this fool way: "a son is born to john and mary smith." what's the use on't? john's name is enough any fool would know there wuz a female somewhere connected with the event in a womanly onobstrusive way, but why do they have to bring her name forward to set her up, and spile her, and mention all these little petickulars? why, how wuz it in bible times, as i asked samantha, sez i, "from the very first it wuz set down as it ort to be and a sample to foller, noah begot ham, and ham begot cush, and cush begot nimrod, and they kep' on begettin' and begettin', chapter after chapter, and no female's name connected with it in any way, shape or manner." sez i, "hain't that a solemn proof, samantha, that females are inferior and wuzn't considered worth writin' about?" sez i, "you nor no other female suffragist can squirm out of that." sez samantha, "men translated the bible, but i can tell you," sez she, "that when miss ham, racked with agonizin' pain, went down to death's door for little cush, whilst mr. ham wuz santerin' round canean smart as a cricket, and probable flirtin' with some good lookin' four-mother, if miss ham had writ it up for the daily paper her name would been mentioned in the transaction." that's jest the way it is, even bible proof can't stop wimmen's clack and argyin'. yes, jest as i said, infringin' follers a man from the cradle to the grave. for i'll be hanged if you don't see it writ nowdays, "james brown, beloved husband of sarah brown." how bold, how forward! _husband of!_ it seems as if it is enough to make his grampa, old jotham brown, turn over in his grave and try to git up, to stop such doin's. he lived in a time when females knowed their place and kep' in it. he had twenty-one children by his seven different wives, and every one on 'em wuz put in the paper and the old fambly bible credited to him; ketch him havin' any female's name mixed up with it, oh no! they couldn't infringe on him, not whilst he wuz alive, they couldn't. he worked his wives hard, and when one died off, he married another. he said as long as the lord kep' takin' 'em, he should. as i said no female couldn't git the better of him whilst he wuz alive, but they played a nasty mean trick on him after he wuz dead. his last wife wuz a high headed creeter, or would have been if he hadn't broke her in, and held her head down with such a tight rain. but owin' to his disagreein' with all his children and bloody relatives she got the propputy all in her hands, and after he died she got tall noble gravestuns for every one of his different wives, almost monuments, with a long verse of poetry on each one on 'em, and their names writ down in full. "mahala eliza--mehitable jane--amanda mandana--drusilly charity--priscilla charlotte--alzina trypheena--diantha cordelia--all carved in big deep letters, and their names before they wuz married. these seven high stuns stood in a sort of a half circle with a little low stun in the center and on it printed in little letters wuz: "our husband." it looked dretful; but his children all hatin' him as they did they didn't interfere. but it wuz a mean trick and she couldn't have done it if he'd been alive, no indeed. but seein' he wuzn't there to rain her in and hold her down, she took the advantage on him as wimmen will if you give 'em the chance. folks all thought she done it to come up with him for bein' so hard on his different wives, and keepin' 'em down so, and i presoom she did. i presoom she wuz a regular female infringer and suffrager. now in the marriage notices, instead of bein' put in the newspaper in the modest becomin' way it used to be, "john smith's son married to mary brown," it has to be put in mr. and mrs. smith's son or daughter is married. where is the good horse sense on't? everybody would know that young smith had a mother somewhere in the background, but what's the use of bringin' her forward so and makin' on her? it is jest to infringe on men, that's what it is for. and when luke dingman married nancy whittle she had the money to start a store bizness, but luke bein' a man, his wuz the name that ort to been spoke on, and he went and got a handsome sign all painted "luke dingman's store." and if you'll believe it nancy made him git it painted all over agin "l. and n. dingman's store." what wuz the use of draggin' a female's initional into it? jest to infringe on us men. but lots of men made fun on't and told luke he'd ort to been man enough to stand his ground and kep' the first sign. they say it makes luke real huffy, and he takes it out on nancy, is dretful mean to her, but she's only got herself to blame, she hadn't ort to infringed on him. and last week samantha and i went to philena peedick's weddin'. and when the minister asked, "who giveth this woman to this man?" the widder peedick walked up bold as brass, and gin philena away, _she_, a _female woman_! never, as i told uncle sime, never did i see a plainer or more flagrant case of infringin' on men's rights. why, philena had a male uncle there, and ruther than see such things go on i would have gin her away myself. but thank heaven, there is one thing they hain't changed yet, females have got to knuckle down and be gin away to a man, in marriage, that's a little comfort. "who giveth this woman!" they have got to hear that, much as it may gald 'em. but as i told uncle sime, it would be jest like 'em to try to change that. and i told him the first we knew a female would snake a man up to the altar, and the minister would be made to say, who giveth this man to this woman? and the woman who walked him up there would say, "i give him." and then she'll hand him over to the bride. oh, my soul! have i ever got to see that day? uncle sime and i both said that we hoped and trusted that we would be dead and buried under our tombs before that humiliation come onto our sect. uncle sime and i sympathize a lot together and talk of the good old times and forebode about the future. and one day when my sperit seemed crushed down and deprested more than common, and the future for us men looked dark and gloomy indeed, i sez to him: "simon, i see ahead on us the time when i shall be called mr. samantha smith." uncle sime, though very smart, hain't got my mind, sort o' forebodin' and prophetic, and much as he'd worried about wimmen's infringin', he hadn't foreboded to that extent, and he trembled like a popple leaf at them dretful words and sez: "oh, gracious heavens, josiah! how can we men ever stand up under that!" but i went on, turnin' the knife in the wownd, "mr. kittie brown, mr. nellie jones! what do you think of that, simon?" he groaned and sithed but didn't say nothin'; it seemed as if the very idee had fairly stunted him, and i kep' still and meditated and my mind roamed back to the humiliatin' time when i laid my onwillin' nose on the grindstun, or ruther it wuz laid on for me and held there, and i signed a piece of poetry i had writ "samantha allen's husband." it hain't no use to go into the petickulars and tell all about the means employed to git me under such mortifyin' subjugation. vittles had sunthin' to do with it, and i hain't goin' to tell no furder. but never, never shall i forgit my meachin' and downtrod linement as i surveyed it in the glass when i wuz shavin' jest afterwards. shavin' a beard! that very act riz up and asserted the supremacy of my sect and mocked the move i had made. oh, the sufferin's of that occasion and my vain efforts to git out of it. but samantha never sympathized with me a mite. she said, "you've seen me doin' the same thing for years and enjoyed it, and what is sass for the gander ort to be sass for the goose." there is another proof of wimmen's infringin'; she turned that familiar old sayin' right round to carry her pint, and put the goose where the gander always had been, and ort to be. i tell you there hain't no length a female won't go to to carry the day and infringe on men's rights. and you might as well git blood from a white turnip as to git any pity and sympathy from 'em for my downtrod sect. for when i mentioned to samantha my turrible forebodin' about my sect havin' to take wimmen's names at the altar, and asked her if she could begin to realize what men's humiliated and despairin' feelin's would be at such a time, she up and sez: "do you realize what wimmen's feelin's are at the altar? she's had to stand it. no matter how romantic and beautiful her name wuz, miss victoria angela chesterfield has had to change it for miss ichabod tubbs, or miss peleg hogg. "and," sez she, "if she has a big propputy and married a man so poor he had to borry his weddin' shirt, she had to hear him say, 'with all my worldly goods i thee endow,' when all them goods wuz a pile of debts she had to pay for him, but she had to stand it and couldn't snicker, for it wuzn't a snickerin' time. "and a great able bodied business woman had to promise to obey a little snip of a boy, when they both knew she wuz lyin', with a priest hearin' the lie and givin' it his blessin'. my sect has had to stand considerable from yourn," sez samantha. no, i didn't git a mite of sympathy from her, and might have knowed it, and i'd better not said a word to her about my forebodin's. but uncle simon bentley always hears my prognostics with respectful sympathy, and he said after i come out of my meditations, and asked him agin how he would feel to take a woman's name, he sez: "thanks to a kind and protectin' providence, i hain't married. but never! whilst i have the sperit of manhood in me would i, simon bentley, ever be called miss polly brown. no, i would cover that alter with my goar, before i would submit to it." and to comfort me he sez, "josiah, mebby it won't take place in our day." but i sez, "simon, i see it jest ahead on us if this infringin' can't be stopped, and i don't see no way to stop it." but sez simon in his comfortin' way, "your book, josiah, that great work, you forgit that. i believe it will work wonders for our poor strugglin' sect." "no, simon," sez i, "i don't forgit that great work for a moment of time; it is the anchor throwed out into the heavin' water of woman's revolt that is a risin' all round us. sometimes i hope the anchor will touch the solid bottom of man's supremacy, and hold, and then i feel boyed up. but my feelin's ebbs and flows like the mighty ocean to which i have before fittin'ly compared my emotions. we both on us heave up, and heave down. to-day i am a heavin' down. oh, how deprested and dubersome i do feel," but i went on in tremblin' axents, "i am bound to make this tremenjous effort, and if you and i, uncle sime, and the rest of our sect have got to lay down in the dust to be trod on by the feet of underlin's, whilst layin' there under them high heels, i will have the conscientiousness that i have did what i could for my downtrod sect." my feelin's overcome me so here that i took out my bandanna and wiped my eyes, and uncle sime hisen. he looked as cast down as i did, as we both realized our danger from the turrible doin's round us, and instinctively we took holt of hands and sot there sympathizin' for quite a spell. but anon uncle sime had to go home. he lives with his niece and she sez, "if she has to support him, he has got to be promp to his meals, or go without," so he hastened off. and i summoned up the brave dantless sperit of manhood and walked upright through the kitchen (we'd been settin' on the back stoop). i trod with a firm bold step and braved samantha's onsympathizin' demeanor as she stood fryin' nut cakes, and retired into the welcome seclusion of the corner sacred to my literary pursuits. mekanically i run my hands through the dish-pan heaped with betsy's poetry. oh, how sad, when a man has to turn to another female (and one he has always detested) for the sympathy and understandin' denied him on his own hearthstun. and though i despise betsy bobbett slimpsey as a human bein' and a female, yet when torn and wownded from infringin' and cold remarks from my own pardner, i do draw a little mite of comfort from that granny iron dish-pan, and runnin' my hand through the poetry heaped up in it, and read how she looks up to my sect, and the becomin' and reverent views she takes on us, and me in petickular. and how it has always been the goal of her life and should be to every womanly female to be united by hook or by crook to one on us, it soothed me, it brought back the dear old days when man's supremacy wuz onquestioned and he wuzn't infringed on. and i read how she despises and looks down on the encroachments of the inferior sect to which she belongs, and how she loathes the great tide of the feminist movement that is risin' up all over the world, threatenin' to sweep us strong males away, as frothy water, if there is enough on't will uproot giant oaks. i read over piece after piece to cam my sperit, hurt and wownded by infringin', and my pardner's onsympathizin' words, and i picked out the follerin' one as bein' comparitively worthy a place in my great work. this poem, writ before her marriage, i consider the most touchin'ly pathetic one of all the enormous pile on 'em i had perused. what to a feelin' mind and tender heart is more pitiful than to see a patridge hidin' his head under a maple leaf, and thinkin' his hull body is hid from the hunter? what is more affectin' than to see how betsy tried to hide her lifelong pursuit of man, and matrimony, under the cold word, _duty_? "unless she see her duty plain." oh, what a soul of meanin' there is hid under that word, _unless_. a keen eye, and a tender heart can read between the lines her real meanin', her dantless resolve, as plain as the hunter sees the plump body and gray tail feathers of the patridge. but i will not keep the reader longer from the sad but beautiful poem. stanzas on duty _by betsy bobbett_ unless they do their duty see oh who would spread their sail on matrimony's cruel sea and face its angry gale? oh betsy bobbett i'll remain _unless_ i see my duty plain. shall horses calmly brook a halter who over fenceless pastures stray? shall females be dragged to the altar, and down their freedom lay? no, no, b. bobbett i'll remain, _unless_ i see my duty plain. beware! beware, oh rabid lover who pines for intellect and beauty, my heart is ice to all your overtures unless i see my duty, for betsy bobbett i'll remain _unless_ i see my duty plain. come not with keys of rank and splendor my heart's cold portals to unlock, 'tis vain to search for feelin's tender too late you'll find you've struck a rock; for betsy bobbett i'll remain _unless_ i see my duty plain. 'tis vain for you to pine and languish, i cannot soothe your bosom's pain, in vain are all your groans, your blandishments i warn you are in vain; for betsy bobbett i'll remain _unless_ i see my duty plain. you needn't lay no underhanded plots to ketch me, men desist or in the dust you will be landed for to the last i will resist. for betsy bobbett i'll remain _unless_ i see my duty plain. vii about wimmen's foolish love for petickulars how folkses emotions will sometimes rise up entirely onexpected and onbeknown to them, and git the better on 'em. of course we male americans have always foreboded and felt dretful about a certain subject. but this mornin' it come over me like a black flood, the realizin' sense of the enormous labor that votin' would bring onto weak delicate females, and how impossible it wuz for their fraguile constitution and puny strength to stand up under it. why, how many many times we statesmen have said and preached and lectured that wimmen wuzn't much more nor less than angels, and ort to be treated as such. tender delicate flowers, to be kep' from every chillin' breeze of life that tried to blow onto 'em. such talk has been one of the greatest comforts of us men, and has been very affectin' and effective with lots of females. as i say i've knowed it and held forth on it for years and years, ever since this loathsome doctrine of wimmen's rights become so prominent in jonesville. but as many different emotions as i've had about it, never wuz my feelin's so wrought up as upon this occasion i speak of. my steeled pen fairly trembled in my hands, shook by my devotion to samantha, and my determination if possible to keep her beloved and delicate form from sinkin' down under the awful fateeg of votin', and havin' rights. i wuz so excited and strung up by my feelin's, that i felt that i must warn her agin about it that very minute, and i hollered to her to come to me to once. i spoze my voice wuz skairful, my feelin's wuz such, and she come a hurryin' in wipin' her hands on her apron, and sez she, "for the land's sake! what is the matter, josiah? have you got a crick?" "no," sez i, "i've fell into fur deeper waters than any crick. it come over me like a overwhelmin' flood, the thought of the weakness of wimmen, and the arjous and tuckerin' job of votin', and how impossible it wuz for weak wimmen to not sink down under it, and i felt i had to warn you about it this very minute, and entreat you agin to shun it as you would a pizen serpent." "well," sez she, "you better forebode to yourself another time. i wuz jest rensin' out my last biler of clothes, and i've got to whitewash the summer kitchen, and paint the buttery floor, and scrape the paper off overhead in the settin' room, so's to paper it to-morrow. and i guess that whitewashin' and scrapin' off that paper with a case knife overhead is as hefty a job as liftin' up a paper ballot, to say nothin' of the biler full of clothes i'm liftin' on and off, and sweatin' over the wash-tub. and i'll thank you to keep your forebodin's and warnin's to yourself in the future, and not call me offen my work." and she went out and shet the door hard. and that's all the thanks i got for my tender feelin's and overpowerin' desire to keep hardships from her. but i knowed she wuz expectin' company, and fixin' up and preparin' for 'em, so i overlooked it in her, and i presoom to say the thought of that company and the extra good meals we wuz sure to have, had a amelioratin' effect on me. but her hashness won't stop me nor other noble tender hearted males from worryin' about the turrible hardship and labor of votin', and tryin' our best to keep the gentle delicate females we are protectin' and guardin' from plungin' into it. but i'm so sensitive and my feelin's so easy hurt, that it must have been a minute and a half before my mind settled down agin and i could hold my steeled pen in as firm a grip as heretofore, and resoom my powerful argumentative strain. another reason i've argued why wimmen should not vote wuz she would act so awkward in politics she would put in so many petickulars, wimmen's minds hain't stabled, they hain't got horse sense. and they don't nor won't appreciate that good old doctrine that has always been such a comfort to me and uncle sime and other statesmen, that what has been always will be, and to let well enough alone. no they have got to be tinkerin' and tryin' to make things better, and interfere, and talk and tell petickulars. now if a merchant sells 'em cloth for their fambly, instead of buyin' and payin' for it and keepin' their mouth shet as a man would, they'll feel of it and pull it to and fro, fro and to. and if it hain't what he claims it is, if it is shoddy and poor, they'll talk and talk till he has to hustle round and buy good stuff, or they won't trade with him, takin' off his profits jest by petickulars. and if a grocer lets his eatin' stuff lay round outdoors for the flies to roost on, do you spoze they'll buy that stuff? no, their minds not bein' bigger than them fly specks, they'll hound that man till they make him cover up that stuff or bring it into the house, and every one that has got horse sense knows it makes that man extra work, but what do they care? and if he tries to make a little more money by sellin' things that hain't jest what you might call hullsome--and of course every business man understands that he wants to make all the money he can--why, the woman that buys that stuff once, and thinks it hain't what she wants to feed her fambly on, she begins to tell petickulars; she'll call it rotten, and tell how long it has been in cold storage, she'll say "to lessen population and increase some millionaire's revenue." and she'll call his canned vegetables mouldy, and tell how his canned meat smells, and how it made her children sick, and how eben purdy's little girl died after eatin' it, and how it took off old miss lanfear. all these little petickulars she has to dwell on with other wimmen till she gits 'em all rousted up and there will be a dozen talkin' at one time, sez i, and sez he, and sez she, and sez they. and they'll keep it up and jest boycote that man till he has to keep hullsome goods that cost him most as much agin, and of course cuts down his profits, but they don't think of that. and how them wimmen found fault with the decision of the supreme court, that pizen could be used to bleach flour, when they knew the supreme court is composed of the very smartest men in the nation. and they knowed them supreme men didn't approve of usin' enough pizen in it to kill the aged and infants. but they had to argy and boast that if they wuz supreme wimmen, they wouldn't had a mite of pizen put into bread, jest as if grown folks can't stand a little pizen now and then. but you can see plain that they claim that wimmen can manage the home and food bizness better than men, and want to find fault with men and git the upper hands on 'em. and it is jest so with milk. a fool ort to know that it makes a man as much agin work to fuss and clean off his cows and his stables every day, and keep his milk absolutely clean. but what do they care if a man breaks his back cleanin' his stables and washin' off his cows' tits. they'll talk and put in every little petickular about how many babies wuz killed by his bad milk, and how many folks got tomain from it, till they carry the day and git the milk they want. another man made to toe the mark by petickulars. and it is jest so with stuff throwed into the street--why, a man can't call his soul his own, and throw a old cabbage or rotten potato into the street without their interferin' with him, and makin' him clean up his primises and keep a covered garbage can. [illustration: "till she gets 'em all rousted up, and just boycote that man till he has to keep hullsome food"] now jest imagine what that meddlin' interferin' sperit would be if carried into politics, if public officials wuz a prey to woman's petickulars. now spozin' a man wuz nominated for some high office that hain't mebby jest exactly square. for as uncle sime sez, "what man is square in public life? no," he sez, "you'll find 'em every shape and size, except 4 by 4." but wimmen can't accept that scientific statement, made by folks that know, that men are made in such a way that public life and politics wears and rubs on their square corners, and digs into and destroys their shape, so as uncle sime sez, "they can't help bein' crooked." but wimmen's brains hain't strong enough, and their naters and consciences hain't elastic enough to comprehend such matters. they always have and always will pay more attention to them little petickulars of right and wrong than men have time to. as i've said before, they can't see big, they see little. they'll talk it over together how many million dollars is made by the white slave trade every year, ketchin' sweet young girls, they'll say by the net of their love, by drink, by pizened needles, flattery, lies, treachery, takin' 'em from health, home and happiness, and throwin' 'em to the lions of lust and greed, into livin' deaths. oh, yes, they'll put in all the petickulars. and they'll ask how many millions wuz made by highway graft, tax-payers wadin' through mud, whilst high officials, contractors and public grabbers stuff the tax-payer's money in their pockets. and they'll bring up stories about all the other big corporations and money grabbers. and how much blood money is made yearly by whiskey sellin'? that is the main fountain their petickulars gush from. now if a smart hustlin' saloon keeper is nominated for some high office and wimmen could vote, what would be the consequence? why, they would jest onloose them petickulars onto him and he would be washed completely away on 'em. they wouldn't know any better than to peek and pry into his bizness, and run it down to the lowest notch. jest as if a bizness that is good enough for the u.s. govermunt isn't good enough for them. no, their naters bein' such, and they've got such itchin' ears, they'll pry round into every crook and turn of that man's bizness, and talk about it till they git the hull community riled up. the hull wimmen crew will pin on their white ribbings, and git their heads together, tellin' some story agin him, and the bizness he represents, and go into all the petickulars, sez i, and sez he, and sez she, and sez they. "le'me see," sez they, "when wuz it he got hen daggett so drunk that he went home and whipped his wife, and most killed her and her next baby wuz born a fool. "and what time o' night wuz it, wuz it ten or twelve, that he got old chawgo's boy crazy drunk and wantin' to git rid on him, histed him up on his motorcycle and started him for home, and he didn't go half a mile before he fell off and wuz killed. "and what time of year wuz it, wuz it late in the spring or early in the summer, that them two wizzel girls wuz took from his saloon drugged and unconscious, and not a hide or hair on 'em seen sence. "and le'me see, wuz it on a monday or a tuesday, that them two men got into a drunken fight in his saloon and both on 'em got killed. no, it wuz on a wednesday, for i remember i cut my bib apron wrong, i cut it ketrin ways, and jest as i wuz cuttin' it over, i hearn of that big railroad smash-up where two hundred got killed and maimed by a drunken engineer." them wimmen would bring up all them little petickulars agin that man, and his bizness lection day, jest to be mean, and to beat him. every man and woman whiskey had destroyed, all the crime and agony and poverty it has caused, every fambly wrecked by it, every young man ruined, every young girl who went through the saloon into destruction, and the one hundred thousand deaths caused by it every year. they wouldn't know enough to keep their mouths shet at this time when it wuz so important to have 'em shet up; they'd jest clutter up the road to the pole with petickulars. and no matter how flourishin' a bizness that man wuz doin', and how much money he wuz makin', and how much he wuz willin' to pay for votes, helpin' the male community in this way, they'd carry the day agin him. they can't seem to realize what a loss in propputy it is to the man they're a houndin'. and if you twit 'em of it they'll twit back and ask, what of the one billion, four hundred million dollars loss to the country every year, caused by strong drink, and ask you if you know that as many americans are killed every year by it as has been killed in all the battles of the world since time begun. havin' to ask all these little leadin' questions at jest that onconvenient time and take the advantage on him. and then when they git him turned down and some favorite religious man elected in his place, oh, how their tongues would run agin, tellin' of all the good things he'd done and would do; agin it would be sez i, and sez he, and sez she, and sez they. wimmen can't seem to learn to set still to home, and knit, no, they have got to meddle and interfere with men's bizness, as fur as they can, and woe be to us if they ever cut loose and run furder. why the hullsale liquor dealers' association will agree with every word i've said. they know what females are, and what they can do when they git their white ribbings on, and are banded together agin 'em, and they begin to tell petickulars. that's what makes 'em fight so agin woman's suffrage. they know where they and their bizness would be after a few years of wimmen's petickulars and votin', and they're willin' to pay well them that help 'em. as i've intimidated before, to a smart hustlin' bizness man who looks out for his own interest, it is absolutely appallin' to see how woman suffragists stand in their own light. but in my talk about the shiftless ways of these wimmen, and their tetotle inability to see where their interests lays, i want to make a honorable exception of the modest retirin' she auntys. them wimmen, though females, have got some good horse sense; they know which side their bread is buttered and they lay out to keep it right side up. they know who helps butter that bread. they know it is better to ride round in palace cars to their lectures agin female suffrage, helped by them who hate that cause like pizen, than it is to walk afoot. and they know enough to grasp special priveliges, and enjoy 'em, and they lay out to help the ones that help them. liquor dealers have got oceans of horse sense, and oceans of money, and they let that money flow along where it will do the most good, into female channels if necessary. anything to dam up the big waters of reform from risin' up and washin' 'em away, and stop woman suffragists from ruinin' their bizness, and tellin' petickulars and votin'. and i'll ask this question of any man or woman with the brains of a angleworm or caterpillar--hain't it easier to float along with the current, than to fight agin it and go in the other direction? why a fool ort to know it is. you won't ketch them she auntys a peekin' round huntin' for every little petickular about what the liquor dealers' association stands for, and talk and tattle about the effects of liquor sellin', no indeed. and i want to say and own up that when i find a spark of horse sense in a female, i'm willin' to own up to seein' that spark shinin' out agin the background of females' nateral ignorance and folly. we jonesvillians reconize smartness and horse sense, and i want to encourage and happify them she auntys by sayin', that the creation searchin' society of jonesville will never be found throwin' out no slurs agin them. neither will i as a male man, and a celebrated author, ever be found mockin' and sneerin' at 'em. of course they are females, but considerin' the limited amount of brains that females have and their scurcity of horse sense, they have done and are doin' the best they can. the creation searchin' society of jonesville and the liquor dealers' association stand up hand in hand, with me in the midst, and publicly reconize their humble helpfulness, and what more in the way of honor can any human female ask for? i always despised petickulars, every male man duz. it's nateral when our minds are took up with big things, big thoughts, petickulars jar on us; we hain't got the time for 'em in our busy lives. but i believe few of my bretheren can say what i can, that petickulars come within one of bein' the death on 'em. the way on't wuz samantha wuz to tirzah ann's visitin' and wuz took bed sick there, and right while i wuz stark livin' alone, i wuz took down with voylent pains runnin' up and down my spinal collar, and hull body. but the neighborin' wimmen, friends of samantha, i will say done all they could for me, they flocked in and filled me up with milk porridge, chicken broth, etc., and sot up with me nights and waited on me, helped by their various husbands. and i should got along all right if it hadn't been for the endless swarm of petickulars they driv into my room. talk, talk, talk, and tellin' petickulars, some on 'em smaller than the end of a nat's toe nail. and one day when i'd been made almost delerious by 'em, i made out to open the stand draw at the head of my bed and git out a pad and pencil, and writ the follerin' verses which come from the very bottom of my soul, heaven knows! owed to petickulars _by josiah allen, esq._ i've been bed-sick and very bad, and pains and chills and cramps i've had; and at tirzah's samantha come suddenly down with pleuresy pains from heel to crown, she couldn't git home with her plaguey crick- so they never let her know i wuz sick. but the neighbors turned out good and true and stood by me to help me through, they come alone, and they come in pairs, they come with mules, and they come with mares; and i felt the goodness that in 'em lay and treated 'em well both night and day, till they brung in them petickulars. they come from fur, and they come from near, with new wild remedies strange and queer- my mouth wuz a open and burnin' road down which the streams of their medicines flowed; streams of worm-wood and oil of tar, and onions, and warnuts, and goose, and bar; but my mean wuz a christian's all the while- i sithed and swallered and tried to smile- till they brung in them petickulars. they blistered my back, and they blistered my breast; they iled my nose, and they iled my chest, they gin me sweats of various sorts, hemlock and whiskey and corn and oats- i drinked their gruel weaker'n a cat, i drinked their whey, didn't wink at that; i stood their faith cures, and their mind, i took 'em all and acted resigned- till they brung in them petickulars. but they tried their cures to the very last, and i grew no better very fast; and i spoze they thought it would brighten my gloom, to bring some petickulars into my room. so they drove 'em in and they talked of flies- and of chicken's teeth, and muskeeter's eyes, and they talked of pins, and stalks of hay, and lettice seed, and there i lay- a victim of small petickulars. and one recounted a lengthy tale about the best way to drive a nail, and one old woman talked a hour on a pinch of salt and a spunful of flour; and jane she boasted two hours the deed she did when she pizened a pusley weed, and there i'd sweat, and there i'd groan, and pull my gray locks onbeknown- a victim to small petickulars. and a female sot with anxious frown disputin' herself right up and down- as to whether the hour wuz one or two, when their old white mare lost off its shoe- sometimes 'twas two, and then 'twas one, and so through the hours that mare wuz run, and it trompled my brain till i cried, "whoa! do shue the old mair and let her go!" but under its heels i had to lay, and sweat, and rithe, and cuss the day- they driv in them petickulars. and they wondered if jane had cloth enough for her calico apron with bib and ruff, and they mentally rent their robes and tore, for fear that sunthin' wuz wrong with the gore, till i wished that gore wuz over it rolled, and on martha's boots that had been new soled, and they almost mistrusted wuz too thin, by pretty nigh the wedth of a pin. and i vowed i could put their souls all in, and rattle 'em round in the head of a pin. and there i groaned, and turned, and lay, and sweat and sithed from day to day, a victim to small petickulars. till one day i riz and cried with might, "bring on a earthquake into my sight, fetch me a cyclone good and strong, a hurrycain, pestilence, bring 'em along, let me see 'em before i am dead; let 'em roar and romp around my bed, but ketch 'em, kill 'em, drive 'em away, this very minute of this very day every one of your dum petickulars. "let me be killed out square and rough, by a good hard kick from a elephant's huff, or let a volcano rise and bust this mortal frame, if bust it must. but i swan to man that i won't die by a kick from the off leg of a fly; and agin i swan, that i won't give in and go to my grave on the pint of a pin, killed by your dum petickulars." my eyes wuz wild, my goery meen skairt 'em almost to death, i ween the females all fled out of my sight, the two old women mad with fright, jostled each other and fell over chairs; and all on 'em said "i wuz crazier'n bears." but i settled back on my peaceful bed and most mistrusted i wuz dead and had got through the gate to beuler land, and i smiled some smiles, serene and bland, for i never had felt such peace before, as when i drove 'em out of the door, every one of them dum petickulars. viii i talk on wimmen's extravagance it wuz a cam beautiful mornin'; old mom nater seemed agreeable and serene, goin' about her mornin's work of lightin' up and warmin' the world. and samantha seemed as busy as old nater herself, and as cam, as she went about her work of makin' the house comfortable and clean. as i've mentioned prior and before this a better, cleaner housekeeper than samantha allen never trod on no shoe leather whatsoever, or went barefoot. equinomical, industrious, and as a cook beyond any compare. if these words wuz the last i should ever write i'd die solemnly declarin' as a housekeeper and home maker samantha allen can't never be beat. oh, if her principles about female suffragin', and the inferiority of her sect, and the superiority of my sect, wuz only equal to her housekeepin', what a treasure i would have in a earthen vessel (that is bible; i don't really understand what it means, but i think it looks well for a deacon to patronize the bible all he can conveniently, and bring into his literary work passages out on't). i feelt meller and agreeable in my mind, as i sot there in my favorite corner almost immersed in the parfenalia of my perfession, two paper pads, a bottle of ink, a steeled pen, two lead pencils, a pen knife and the immense granny iron dish-pan containin' betsy b.'s poetry. and as i sot there with my steeled pen in my hand ready to begin work on my remarkable book, my mind become so impressed by the inestimable value it wuz goin' to be to the world and the male and female sect, that almost onbeknown to myself i uttered the words aloud that wuz seethin' through my large active brain. sez i, "samantha, don't you believe this forthcomin' book of mine is goin' to be the greatest work of this age, or any age?" she wuz pickin' the pin feathers offen a plump spring chicken for dinner, and she looked up at me over her specs in the cool deliberate way she has sometimes, and sez, "josiah, a hen don't cackle till she lays her egg." and then she resoomed her work agin, sayin' no more. naterally my feelin's immediately hardened more hard than they had been, for i would ask any human bein' did not that one speech show what i've sot out to prove in my book, what wifflin' onstabled minds females have got, and how onfit for votin', onjinted, tottlin', wanderin' way off from the subject spoke on, flyin' down at one jump from literatoor onto poultry. for what connection, i ask, is there between the finest fruit in literature, and hens? hens which are known to be the awkwardes and stupidest of any liven critters. what jinin' link is there between the most scathin' and convincin' arguments ever writ by mortal man, and eggs? mute, onfeelin', onseein', eggs. but i only gin a moment of my valuable time to contemplate this prominent phase of wimmen's folly. and bein' driv back as i have often been by a lack of congenial sympathy into my own interior (my mind), my inteleck seemed to flow freer than ever, and i devoted this propishous time to enlargin' on a important subject i had not had time to enlarge on before, and that wuz the well known extravagance of females and how fatally fatal that trait which is exclusively confined to her own sect would be if let loose on the political world. and so harrered up my mind got in contemplatin' that gigantic danger to my sect, and my country, that before i knowed it i wuz speakin' my thoughts and forebodin's aloud. sez i, "another insurmountable objection agin female suffragin', another fearful danger facin' the country if females should have a free run in the political field, is their well known extravagance." [illustration: "josiah," sez she, "a hen don't cackle till she lays her egg."] sez i, "to a female researcher of the prudent, equinomical male sect, it is absolutely appallin' to witness the blind reckless extravagance of wimmen and their well known habits of follerin' each other's fashions blindly, like a flock of sheep jumpin' over the fence. if one woman gits a new dress the neighborin' wimmen have got to git one like it, or better, not a mite of independent sperit about 'em. why can't they take pattern of us men who always wear jest what we please, and pay no attention to what any other male wears, pay no attention whatsumever to fashion or extravagance. in fact men would hardly know there wuz any such words as them, if it wuzn't for female doin's and the dictionary." i knowed i had got samantha in a corner then that she couldn't git out on and i waited with a dignified stately look on my linement to hear her say, "i gin up, josiah; you're in the right on't." but did i hear her say this? oh, no! she lifted up the plump yeller skinned chicken in one hand, whilst she peered under its wings for a stray pin feather. and then she laid it down gently on the pages of the _world_ that wuz spread for its benefit over the table, i spoze to keep her dress clean, and as she looked down on the smooth crisp folds of gingham she sez: "yes, lots of wimmen are extravagant. but as the fashion is now, josiah, five or six yards will make a woman a dress, and have enough left to make her husband a vest, if he would wear anything so cheap. i've got enough left of this very dress, good green and white plaid gingham, costin' ten cents per yard to make you a good cool summer vest; it would wear like iron, and i stand ready to make it, and will you wear it, josiah?" she thought she had me in a corner then, but my mind works so quick i answered her almost instantaneously, "id'no as a green and white plaid vest would be becomin' to my complexion, but i will wear it if the other bretheren will." sez she, "i thought you didn't care what any one else wore." is there any limit to a female's aggravatin'? i wouldn't dane a reply. but i took up ayer's albernack with a stern cold linement, and went to readin' the advertisements, and of course she didn't see the danger ahead on her, of irritatin' too fur a strong nater. she kep' right on, "no doubt wimmen are sometimes extravagant, josiah, no doubt they spend lots of money foolishly and worse than foolishly, but before we decide that it ort to deprive her of political rights, let us compare it with men's extravagance for a few minutes." i felt above replyin' to her, but kep' my eye on the bottle of medicine, and the woman raised from the tomb by a smell of the cork, and she went on: "which party is it in a workman's home that usually wants to buy an automobile before the little home is paid for? mebby in some rare cases the woman eggs the man on, but i believe that it is safe to say that in seven cases out of ten, it is not the housekeeper and house mother that is willin' to risk losin' the ruff that covers her baby's pretty head, and councils waitin' a while before takin' on the extravagance of the added expense. and which party is it, josiah, that turns and twists every way to save money so her boy and girl can present a decent appearance before her mates? how many millions a year duz the horse races, yot races and polo games and other manly amusements amount to? how many billions a year duz the useless extravagance of tobacco cost? of course you can substract sunthin' for some wimmen's foolish habit of cigarette smoking, but in the great total it would hardly count. and in how many poor homes duz a woman toil into the night hours to mend and make so that her family may look respectable, while her husband is spendin' his spare hours and spare change in the corner saloon?" sez i, lookin' up from the albernack with a scathin' irony that must have scathed her, whether she owned up to it or not, "i thought it wuz about time for you to drag in that saloon bizness." "yes," sez she, "it is time. how many billion dollars a year is spent mostly by men, in the ruinous extravagance of strong drink, and how many billions more in payin' for the effects on't, loss of labor, jails, prisons, hospitals, police force, pauper burials, etc., etc., and i might string out them etc.'s, josiah, clear from here to grout hozleton's and then not begin to git in the perfectly useless and ruinous extravagance of the liquor bizness. and i guess that take all the wimmen's extravagance, it will count up so small in comparison as to be lost sight on. and unlike the liquor bizness if a woman dresses extravagantly, which no doubt she often duz, the dressmakers and merchants and jewelers reaps a profit, if she gives extravagant fashionable parties, the grocer, the florist, the laboring class gits some benefit from it; it is not a danger to human life, like the heart breakin', soul destroyin' extravagance and danger to the hull community of the liquor traffic." i felt above arguin' with her agin on this subject i had so often wasted my finest eloquence on. she knowed how i felt, and i wouldn't demean myself by repeatin' my crushin' arguments in that direction, for i knowed as well as i sot there that she wouldn't act crushed, no matter if she felt flat as a pan-cake. so i passed on to another faze of woman's extravagance. sez i, "it hain't enough for her to spend money like water on her bridge parties, and maskerades, and theatre and tango parties, but she has to rack what little brain she's got, tryin' to git up new follies that other wimmen hain't thought on; she has to have her dog parties, and monkey parties, when them animals come dressed like human bein's with human folks to wait on 'em. thank heaven! you can't say but what male men would look down with abhorrence on such fool doin's." but samantha sez, "id'no, take a stag party sometimes--mebby in the beginin' them stags might be able to look down on the monkeys, but after high-balls and cock-tails and gallons of shampain has been consumed, id'no whether them stags could look down on sober temperate monkeys, or the monkeys look down on them, though no doubt some of the stags behave and can see straight." i scorned to notice this slur onto my sect, brung up i knowed to make me swurve from my subject, but it didn't make me swurve a inch. i went right on and brung up wimmen's extravagance in their houses. sez i, "look at her gorgeous brussels carpets, her draperies hangin' from elegant brass poles, her superb black walnut furniture, her glossy black hair-cloth sofias and easy chairs, a perfect riot of extravagance, samantha. who can blame a man from kickin' agin it, kickin'," sez i, "with the hull strength of a outraged nater and a number nine shue." "no doubt," sez samantha, "wimmen are sometimes extravagant in makin' their homes beautiful, but their families and admirin' friends benefit by it. and how duz her velvet carpets and persian rugs, her rose-wood furniture, statuary, and costly pictures and silken draperies compare with men's outlay and extravagance in public buildings; for instance, the capitol at albany; wimmen have had nothing to do with that, and i guess her most extravagant doin's in her house will compare favorably with the millions men have spent in that house for years, and no sign of there ever bein' an end to it." i knowed by the look on her linement that she meant to intimidate that there had been shiftlessnes and stealin' goin' on in that direction, and in other public works through the country, but i refused to notice the slur on my sect. that slur that females love to sling at us and which we'd better treat with silent contemp, jest as i did now, for no knowin' if we'd stoop to argy with 'em about it, what figgers and statistics they may bring up, to prove their slurs, so as i say i passed it over with silent disdain, but i sez in a safe general way, fur removed from probable figgers she would be apt to throw at me to prove her reckless insertions, i sez, puttin' a sad look onto my linement: "wimmen's extravagance makes the heart of man to ache and often drives him to a ontimely tomb, strivin' for fashionable display, strivin' for rights she don't need." and bein' anxious to change the subject at that juncter (i always think it is best to change the flow of my thought occasionally) i put on a sort of a solemn, fraid look on my linement, "such talk as you wimmen talk is revolutionary, samantha, and is liable to lead to war." and then, if you'll believe it, so contrary and hard to conquer is females, she took advantage of that speech of mine to invay on the expenditure of war. she asked me then and there how many billions wuz spent every year by male men on the extravagance of man-made war, its preperation and consequences. i told her coldly and with a irony as iron as our old cook stove, that as much as she expected of me, she couldn't expect me to figger up to a cent what war had cost the nation. sez i, "with the barn chores on my hands, and my great work of destroyin' woman's suffrage do you expect me to keep track of every cent the nation has spent on war?" "no," sez she, "one man couldn't reckon it up if he spent his hull lifetime at it, but jest the money spent on it yearly is two billion five hundred million. but," sez she, "it seems that the enormous extravagance of man in this direction and others don't unfit him for the franchise. and if you should spend a few years tryin' to reckon up the gigantic expenditure in money and misery, the horrors and extravagance of war and its effects, you might feel like talkin' less about wimmen's extravagance and how it makes her onfit to be a citizen of the country she's born into, and helps to support with her labor and taxes." oh, how aggravatin' a woman can be when she sets out to be. much as i think of samantha and the tendrils of my great heart are wropped completely round her, as big as she is round her waist--yet sometimes on occasions like this i almost wish i wuz a bacheldor, a fur off lonely man in some distant cave, or on some lonesome mountain peak, encumbered not by a female who thinks she has a right to argy with me and irritate me. but these feelin's always come over me in the middle of the forenoon, or the middle of the afternoon. when it comes nigh meal time, my wild seethin' emotions gradually simmers down and as the appetizin' meals progress so duz my feelin's change and grow less dangerous; if they didn't i don't know what the effect would be to the world of females. i spoze it is the way the overrulin' power has fixed it as a means of safety to females, for with my strong nater and massive inteleck, if it wuzn't for them three daily safety valves to let off the steam of my indignation at female doin's, and sayin's, heaven only knows what would be the consequences. things and folks would be tore to pieces for all that i knew and utterly destroyed. for how can you curb in a outraged and high sperited nature when it is fully rousted up, and aggravation has gone too fur? it is well that good vittles stand guard between me and them. but as a man who loves peace and quiet, and despises female arguin' i wuz glad at this juncter to see the welcome form of uncle sime wendin' his way towards the barn. and i throwed down the albernack with a hauty movement of my right hand, and strode off barnward with my head erect. and then we two valiant warriors in a noble cause held a meetin' of sweet sympathy and full understandin' in the horse barn. ix the danger from wimmen's exaggeration i told samantha one day that another strong reason why wimmen hadn't ort to vote, and why they would be such a dangerous element in politics wuz that they prevaricated and exaggerated to such a alarmin' extent. sez i, "a woman can't tell a story straight to save her life--but has to put in so many exaggerations and stretch out facts so you couldn't reconize 'em when she gits 'em pulled out to the length she pulls 'em. they don't seem to have any idee of plain straightforward truthfulness such as my sect has. as long as they've seen men appearin' before 'em, tellin' the exact truth from day to day, and from year to year, they can't or won't foller his example. "that trait of theirn," sez i, "is bad enough in the home and social circle, for there their men folks can head 'em off, and cover things up and make excuses for 'em, and tell the story straight. but if it wuz carried into public life where their men folks couldn't reach 'em, and quell 'em down, and ameliorate the effects on it, where would this nation be? it would be looked down on and shawed at by foreign powers as a nation of exaggerators and false witnessors, and it ort to be. "wimmen can't seem to learn to tell the truth and 'nothin' but the truth,' and that is the reason, samantha," sez i, "that that clause wuz put in the law books; it wuz designed to try to skair female witnesses, and drive 'em into tellin' the truth. but it hain't done it." i wuz gittin' real eloquent and riz up, for nothin' pleases a man more than to teach his wimmen folks great truths and enlighten 'em about laws. but samantha had to bring me down from the hite i wuz on, in the aggravatin' way females have. and as it turned out i wuz kinder sorry i had dwelt on that trait of females that particular time, for she said in the irritatin' way wimmen have of bringin' up facts at times when there hain't no use of bringin' 'em up and when it is inconvenient for 'em to be brung. sez she, "i would talk about exaggeration in females, and men's love for exact truth, after what took place in this settin' room only last evenin'." i didn't reply to her for there are times when silent disapproval is better than argument. i knowed what she meant, and i knowed she wanted to spile my argument, in the ornary way females have, so, as i say, i treated them words with silent contemp and went out to the barn. but i spoze i may as well tell you how it wuz, for if i don't she may tell it and make it out worse than it wuz. condelick henzy come over here last night after supper to borry my neck-yoke and dr. meezik from zoar, where he used to live, went to see condelick on bizness, and his wife told him he wuz here so he stopped here on his way home (i mistrust condelick owes him though he didn't dun him before us). they're both on 'em good natered easy-goin' men, and love to talk and tell stories. and i brung up a basin of good sick-no-furder apples, and they set and et apples and talked and talked. they both on 'em love to brag about what they've seen and hearn and naterally both on 'em want to tell the biggest story about it. onfortinately samantha wuz in the room to work on a new insane bed-quilt. and of course she has to find fault and cricketcise what they said and won't make allowances for high sperits. sez dr. meezik, "when i wuz a young man my folks lived on a farm that run along one side on a creek. and one day i wuz down on the creek lot hoein' corn and a bear come down on the ice from the big woods, and i rushed right out on the ice and killed that bear with my hoe." sez condelick, "that's nothin' to what i did at about the same time. i lived on that same creek though furder south; it wuz dretful rich land. and i raised a cabbage there that wuz so big i hollered out the stem on't and made a boat of it, and used it to ferry me acrost that very stream of water." "and it wuz jest about that time," sez dr. meezik, "le'me see, it wuz on my birthday about nine minutes past four o'clock in the afternoon, or it may have been nine and a half minutes past, i always want to be perfectly exact in my statements, but we will let it go at nine minutes. "i wuz a great hunter in them days and fearless as a lion as you may know by my goin' out on the ice to meet that bear who had come to eat green corn, and killed him with my hoe handle. "i had gone a little further north than i had ever gone before, and i come out to a big clearin' that i had never seen. i should say it wuz half a degree north of where we're settin' now, or it might have been half a pint further, a man can't be too exact and particular in telling such things, for some folks if they wanted to pick flaws and find fault might doubt his statement. but i didn't have my pocket compass with me and i wuz so surprised at what i see there that i don't know that i should thought to use it if i had had it. "i must say that as many strange things as i've seen and heard i never wuz so surprised as i wuz at what i see there. "right there in that big clearin' there wuz a perfect army of tinkers makin' a immense brass kettle. there wuz jest one hundred of 'em, for i counted 'em over twice so's to be sure of gittin' the exact number. i am always so perfectly reliable in my statements, and am bound to git the smallest petickulars jest right. i spoze i got the habit partly from weighin' out my medicines so exact. "and them tinkers wuz hammerin' away for all they wuz worth on that kettle, and you may judge of the size of it when i tell you them workmen wuz so fur apart they couldn't hear each other a hammerin'." even condelick henzy wuz took back and browbeat and sez mekanically, "what do you spoze they wuz goin' to do with the kettle?" "well," sez dr. meezik, "they didn't tell me, for i didn't want to act forward and ask, but i always spozed they wuz goin' to use it to bile your cabbage in." just at this epock of time samantha gathered up her insane piece work and left the room. she didn't say nothin', but i knowed by the looks of her linement jest as well as i know now, that she'd throw that kettle and that cabbage in my face some time the most inconvenient for me, and you can see plain she's done it and now i hope she's satisfied. as i said i went out to the barn and kinder fussed round cleanin' up some, and i never see samantha agin till dinner time. i wuzn't afraid to go in and meet her and have her resoom her argument agin. no, i skorn the importation. i belong to a fearless sect, and am almost unacquainted with the word fear, though i know there is such a word in the dictionary. no, i had considerable putterin' round to do in the barn, and hen house, and so i stayed out there till i hearn the welcome sound of the dinner bell and smelt even from the barn door the agreable odors risin' from a first class dinner. the smell and taste of the tender roast lamb and lushious vegetables softened my feelin's considerable, or would have if it hadn't been for the look on samantha's face. it wuzn't a cross look nor a mean one, would that it wuz, for i could handle them looks better. no, it wuz a kind of a superior look, as if she had conquored me in the argument about exaggeration and prevarication, and wuz gloatin' over the _contrary temps_ that had occurred in the settin' room only the evenin' before, the little incident that broke down my excelent argument. and of all the looks that mankind ever read on a woman's linement, the one a man can't stand is a superior look, a look that says as plain as words, "i like you and pity you, but i can't help lookin' down on you, poor thing!" that look from a inferior sect always aggravates a man so that he hain't skursly answerable for what he sez and duz. and almost onbeknown to me i broke forth in a crushin' argument designed to crush her and change that look on her linement to one of humbleness becomin' to a female. sez i, "our sect has been the makin' of yourn, and it seems that when a female considers and thinks on all that men have done for wimmen and are willin' to do for 'em, they would have some feelin's of gratitude towards 'em, but they don't; they delight in argyin' with 'em and tryin' to git the better on 'em." instead of my smart reasonable words affectin' her favorably it seemed as if the look i despised deepened on her linement; not a sign did i see of meach, nor a sign of humble gratitude, and i wuz so irritated by it that i lanched right out in the crushin' argument that i had on my mind and that ort to bring female feathers droopin' down in the very dust. sez i, "do you ever pause to think, samantha, of the inestimable boon wimmen owe to men? why," sez i, "if it hadn't been for a man, wimmen wouldn't had no souls to-day." "how do you make that out?" sez samantha, helpin' herself camly to some more dressin'. "why, it is a matter of history that way back in the centuries the preachers of that time had a meetin' to settle the question, and when they took a vote on't, the majority on 'em stood out on the popular side and cast their votes agin 'em, and vowed and declared that females hadn't no souls. and it wuz only by the vote of one single solitary man that it wuz carried in their favor and decided that they had souls. "and i should think females would be so grateful to that noble man for what he done for 'em, for his bein' willin' to admit that they had souls, that they would honor the hull sect to which he belonged, and look up to 'em in humble and grateful gratitude, and never try to argy with 'em and aggravate 'em. for let me ask you, samantha," sez i, in a solemn axent, "where would wimmen have been if that man had held out and jined in with the rest, and decided that wimmen hadn't got any soul? where would they been then, and where would they be to-day?" "jest where they always wuz and are now," sez samantha camly helpin' herself to a apple dumplin'. "it seems that it wuz men that started the question in the first place, and i spoze that if wimmen hadn't been so wore out and hampered by her hard work of takin' care of men, cookin', mendin', and cleanin' for 'em and bringin' up their children, etc., they might have had a jury of wimmen set on men to find out if _they_ had souls. but i don't spoze they had a minute's time to spare from their hard work no more than i have, and i don't spoze it would make any difference either way. the main thing is whether men and wimmen have got souls to-day, and use them souls for the good of mankind, instead of lettin' 'em grow hard, or wither away in indifference to the woes and wants of the world, and the cause of eternal justice for every one, male and female." that is jest the way with wimmen, they've got to talk and argy and try to have the last word. you can't seem to make 'em act meachin' and beholdin' to men anyway you can work it, and it seems to me i've tried every way there is from first to last. but i wouldn't argy no more, i felt above it. i helped myself to my fourth apple dumplin' with a look of silent contemp on my linement, also i had the same look when i poured the lemon sass over it and took my third cup of coffee. and my linement still showed to a clost observer the marks of a tried though hauty sperit, as i riz up from the table and retired with a high step to my sacred corner to resoom my literary efforts. sometimes pardners are real aggravatin' to each other and a trial to be borne with. and though i don't know what i'd do if i should ever lose samantha, it don't seem as if i could ever eat another woman's vittles after livin' on the fat of the land as you may say for forty years. yet there are times when you set smartin' under wownds your pardner has gin your sperit and from arguments she no need to have brung up, and you see a widow man a passin' by, you have feelin's that can skursly be told on. you can see by the looks of his face and hands that he don't wash any oftener than he wants to, and never combs his hair and don't change his clothes till the board of health gits after him. and you know he never goes to meetin', and throws off girl blinders boldly, and stays out nights till as late as ten p.m. onquestioned and onscolded. and don't have to clean his shues when he goes in, and never curbs his appetite, but eats like a hog and enjoys himself. why, much as you love the dear pardner of your bosom, and prize the excelent food she cooks, and the clean comfortable home she makes for you--the air of freedom that seems to blow from that widow man (kinder stale air too) yet it fans your clean head and clean stiff shirt bosom like a breath from the isle of freedom. and so after samantha had hurt my feelin's and wownded my self respect by remindin' me of the incident mentioned, when if she had kep' still i should have come off victorious in my argument, i retired into the solitude of my corner in the settin' room where betsy bobbett's poetry lay heaped up in the dish-pan and i read with feelin' that i couldn't skursly describe the follerin' verses which i spoze betsy writ after her husband had wownded her feelin's. and in readin' it i dedicate it silently to my brother men who have been aggravated by their pardners. longin's of the sole _by betsy bobbett slimpsey_ oh gimlet! back again i float, with broken wings, a weary bard; i cannot write as once i wrote, i have to work so very hard; so hard my lot, so tossed about, my muse is fairly tuckered out. my muse aforesaid once hath flown, but now her back is broke, and breast; and yet she fain would crumple down; on gimlet's pages she would rest, and sing plain words as there she's sot- haply they'll rhyme, and haply not i spake plain words in former days, no guile i showed, clear was my plan; my gole it matrimony was; my earthly aim it was a man. i gained my man, i won my gole; alas! i feel not as i fole. yes, ringing through my maiden thought this clear voice rose: "oh come up higher." to speak plain truth with candor fraught, to married be was my desire- now, sweeter still this lot doth seem, to be a widder is my theme. for toil hath claimed me for her own, in wedlock i have found no ease; i've cleaned and washed for neighbors round, and took my pay in beans and pease; in boiling sap no rest i took, or husking corn in barn and stook. or picking wool from house to house, white-washing, painting, papering, in stretching carpets, boiling souse; e'en picking hops it hath a sting, for spiders there assembled be, mosquitoes, bugs and etc. i have to work oh! very hard; old toil i know your breadth and length; i'm tired to death, and in one word, i have to work beyend my strength. and mortal men are very tough to get along with, nasty, rough. yes, tribulations doomed to her who weds a man, without no doubt, in peace a man is singuler; his ways they are past findin' out, and oh! the wrath of mortal males- to paint their ire, earth's language fails. and thirteen children in our home their buttons rent their clothes they burst, much bread and such did they consume; of children they did seem the worst. and simon and i do disagree; he's prone to sin continualee. he horrors has, he oft doth kick, he prances, yells--he will not work. sometimes i think he is too sick; sometimes i think he tries to shirk; but 'tis hard for her in either case, who b. bobbett was in happier days. happier? away! such thoughts i spurn. i count it true from spring to fall, 'tis better to be wed, and groan, than never to be wed at all. i'd work my hands down to the bone rather than rest a maiden lone. this truth i cannot, will not shirk, i feel it when i sorrow most: i'd rather break _my_ back with work, and haggard look as any ghost,- rather than lonely vigils keep, i'd wed and sigh and groan and weep. yes, i can say though tears fall quick can say, while briny tear-drops start, i'd rather wed a crooked stick, than never wed no stick at all. sooner than laughed at be, as of yore i'd ruther laugh myself no more. i'd ruther go half clad and starved, and mops and dish-cloths madly wave than have the name, b. bobbett, carved on head-stun rising o'er my grave. proud thought! now, when that stun is risen 'twill bear two names--my name and hisen. methinks 'twould colder make the stun if but one name, the name of she, should linger there alone--alone. how different when the name of he does also deck the funeral urn; two wedded names, his name and hurn. and sweeter yet, oh blessed lot! oh state most dignified and blest! to be a widder calmly sot, and have both dignity and rest. oh simon, strangely sweet 'twould be to be a widder unto thee. the warfare past, the horrors done, with maiden's ease and pride of wife, the dignity of wedded one, the calm and peace of single life,- oh, strangely sweet this lot doth seem; a female widder is my theme. i would not hurt a hair of he, yet did he from earth's toil escape, i could most reconcilã©d be, could sweetly mourn e'en without crape. could say without a pang of pain that simon's loss was betsy's gain. i've told the plain tale of my woes, with no deceit or language vain, have told whereon my hopes are rose, have sung my mournful song of pain. and now i e'en will end my tale, i've sung my song, and wailed my wail. x the modern wimmen condemned the vice president of the creation searchin' society of jonesville wuz here yesterday mornin', and as soon as he'd gone through the usual neighborly talk about the weather, the hens, his wife, and the neighbors, etc., he tipped back in his chair and pushed back his hat a little furder on his head. he never took off his hat in my sight; samantha asked me once "if i spozed he took it off nights, or slep in it." but i explained it to her as a kind man is always willin' to do if a female asks him properly for information. sez i, "i hearn him say once, samantha, that the way he got in the habit of not takin' off his hat before wimmen wuz to impress 'em with the fact of male superiority, and to let 'em know that he wuzn't goin' to bow down before 'em and act meachin'. he wuz always a big feelin' feller and after he got to be such a high official in the c.s.s. he naterally is hautier actin'." well, almost to once he begun to samantha about wimmen's votin', runnin' the idee down to the very lowest notch it could go on the masculine stillyards. you see my forthcomin' great work agin wimmen rights has excited the male jonesvillians dretfully, and emboldened 'em, till they act as fierce and bold as lions when they're talkin' to females. they realize that when that immortal work is lanched onto the waitin' world the cause of woman's suffrage will collapse like the bladders we used to blow up in childhood, jest as sharp and sudden and jest as windy. they know that them that uphold such uroneous beliefs won't be nothin' nor nobody then, and so they begin beforehand to act more hauty and uppish towards suffragists, and browbeat 'em. and he poked fun at the cause and slurred at it, and sneered at it till i didn't know but samantha would take lumbago from his remarks, but she didn't seem to. she had got her mornin's work all did up slick, her gingham apron hung up behind the kitchen door, and she'd resoomed her white one trimmed with tattin'. and she sot knittin' on a pair of blue woosted socks for me, her linement as smooth and onrumpled as her hair, which wuz combed smooth round her forward. and she kep' on with her knittin', only once in a while she would look up at him over her specs in the queer way she has at times, but still kep' lookin' cam, and sayin' nothin'. and her camness and her silence seemed to spur him on and make him bolder and more aggressiver. he thought she wuz afraid on him, but i knowed she wuzn't. at last he flung out the remark to her that if wimmen could vote it would be the bad wimmen who would flock to the poles; samantha wuz jest turnin' the heel in my sock and after she made the turn she said that that wuzn't so, and she brought up statisticks and throwed at him (still a knittin' and seamin' two and two) provin' that it is the educated conscientious wimmen who want to help the good men of the country to make the laws to try to make the world a safer place for their children, a better, cleaner place for every one, and she threw some statements at him from states that had woman's suffrage for years and years to prove her insertion, but the statisticks, the figgers and the proofs piled about him onheeded, for he had got hot and excited by this time and it seemed as if samantha's very camness madded him, and her knittin', and her seamin' two and two, and her countin' "one--two," to herself once in a while. and sez he agin in a overbearin' skairful voice, intended to intimidate females, "i tell you it is the bad wimmen who will rush to the poles, and i can prove what i say." sez he, "the meaner anybody is the more and the oftener they want to vote; my father is one of the best of men and you can't hardly git him to stir his stumps 'lection day. and my wife's father is the meanest man in the country and he will vote from mornin' till night for either party and sell his vote where he can git the highest figger--(he don't live happy with his wife, and he went on) and so will her uncle josh sell his vote to anybody for a glass of whiskey, and most all the men on her side will sell their vote and make money by it. and i know more'n a dozen men right round here who do the same thing. i don't spoze you wimmen read much of any, but if you did you'd see how common graft and fraud is in politics, all the way from jonesville to washington. so you see," sez he, "i can prove right out what i said that it is the bad wimmen who would vote." samantha counted "two and two" to herself, and then said in a mild axent, "why would a bad woman's vote be worse than a bad man's?" the vice president see in a minute into what a deep hole his excitement and voylent desire to prove his argument had led him, and he acted sheepish as a sheep. but anon he revived and ketched holt of the first argument he could lay his hand on, to prop up his side of the question. it wuz a argument he had read about, he didn't believe it himself, but ketched at it in his hurry. sez he, "we expect more from wimmen than we do from men; they're naterally better than men and we want to keep 'em so, keep 'em out of the dirt of public affairs." sez samantha still a knittin' and still a lookin' cam, "you must use clean water to cleanse dirty things. i don't believe as you do. i think the good qualities of men and wimmen would heft jest about equal, and need equal treatment. but accordin' to your tell if men are so much worse than wimmen they need her help to clean up things." agin the vice president see where his hasty talk and anxiety to prove his pint had led him. he wiggled round in his chair till i trembled for the legs on it, for he wuz still leanin' back in it too fur for safety. he kinder run his hand up under his hat and scratched his head, but didn't seem to root any new idees out of his hair, and he finally give up, settled his hat back more firmly on his head agin, let his chair down sudden and got up and sez: "i come over this mornin' to borry josiah's sheep shears." and after he went out with 'em i asked samantha, "what do you spoze the vice president wanted of sheep shears this time of year?" and she sez: "he looked sheepish enough to use 'em on himself." well, it wuz gittin' along towards noon, as i reminded samantha, and she riz up and put her knittin' work on the mantelry piece, resoomed her gingham apron and went out into the kitchen and soon i hearn the welcome sounds so sweet to a man's ear whether literary or profane, that preperations wuz goin' on for a good square meal. and as i sot there peaceful and happy in my mind who should come in but my dear and congenial friend, uncle sime bentley. he had been on a visit to illenoy. and after his first words of greetin' and his anxious inquiries as to how my great work wuz progressin' and gittin' along, he went on and gin me the petickulars about his journey. he'd been on a visit to the city to see his nephew, bill bentley. bill is well off and smart, and his father-in-law is rich and sent his only child, bill's wife, to college; "jest like a fool," uncle sime said. "for what duz a female want with such a eddication." sez he, "the three r's, readin', ritin' and rithmetic are enough for her and would be for any woman if they worked and tended to things as my ma, bill's grandma did. "up at four every mornin' summer and winter, milkin' five or six cows and then gittin' breakfast for her big fambly, hired men and all, and doin' every mite of the housework, and spinnin', weavin', makin' and mendin', and takin' sole care of her eight children, in sickness and health, and takin' care of her mother who had been as big a worker and stay-at-home as she wuz, and who wuz now melancholy crazy in a little room done off the woodshed. "how ma did work," sez uncle sime in a reminescin' axent, "stiddy at it from mornin' till night, never stirrin' out of the house from year to year. oh! if she could only have lived to set a sample for bill's wife, and instruct her in a wife's duty. "i told bill so," sez uncle sime. "and if you please," sez he, "bill resented it, and said, ketch him a killin' his wife with work hard enough for four wimmen, and not stirrin' out of the house from year to year, he thought too much of her; sez he, 'if i wanted a slave i'd buy one and pay cash for her.' "he didn't seem to appreciate ma's doin's no more than nothin', though as i told him, _there_ wuz a woman whose price wuz above rubies, so different from the slack forward wimmen of to-day. so retirin', so modest and womanly, willin' to work her fingers to the bone and not complain. never puttin' forward her opinion about anything, always lookin' up to pa and knowin' he wuz always right. and if she ever did seem curious about anything outside her housework and fambly, pa would shet her up and bring her back to her duty pretty quick. yes indeed! pa wuz the head of the house, and laid out to be. but bill didn't seem to have no gumption and self respect at all, and wuz perfectly willin' to be on equal terms with his wife. and bill told him she had a household allowance and a private bank account. private bank account! i told bill it wuz enough to make his grandma rise from her grave to see such bold onwomanly doin's. "and bill said 'it would be a good thing for her to rise, if she could stay up, for mebby she would take a little comfort and rest her mind and her bones a little, at this epock of time.'" i sez, "i spoze, simon, you didn't have nothin' fit to eat there and everything goin' to rack and ruin about the house." "no," uncle sime said, "i must own up that things run pretty smooth, and bill's wife sot a good table. they had a stout woman who helped about the work and takin' care of the children, leavin' bill's wife free to go round with bill to meetin's and clubs and a fishin' and motor ridin', and picknickin' with him and the kids." "i spoze she wuz high headed and disagreable," sez i. "no," sez uncle sime, "she wuz always good natered and dressed pretty, and why shouldn't she?" sez he bitterly, "havin' her own way and runnin' things to suit herself. and why shouldn't she dress pretty? lanchin' out and buyin' everything she wanted. not curbed down by bill, nor askin' a man's advice at all about her clothes or housen stuff so fur as i could see." sez i, "mebby bill didn't like it so well as you thought, simon; mebby he wuz chafin' inside on him." "no, he wuzn't, he liked it, there's one of the pints i'm comin' at, how these modern wimmen will pull the wool over men's eyes, no matter how smart he is naterally. they did seem to have good times together, laughin' and talkin' together, settin' to the table a hour or so, a visitin' away as if they hadn't seen each other for a month. but merciful heavens! the subjects they talked on and discussed over! it seemed that she knew every crook and turn on subjects that bill's grandma never had heard on by name. hygeen, books, street cleanin', hospital work, charities, political affairs from pole to pole and scientific subjects--radium, electricity, spiritualism, woman's suffrage, which they both believed in. there seemed to be no end to the subjects they talked about. so different from pa and ma's talk. they eat their meals in perfect and solemn silence most all the time, ma always waitin' on him. and if she did venter any remarks to him they usually didn't fly no higher than hen's eggs or neighborhood doin's. do you spoze that pa would stood it havin' a wife that acted as if she knew as much as he did? not much. "but bill's wife wuz right up to snuff as well informed as bill wuz, and bill didn't seem to know enough to be jealous and mad about a wife actin' as if she wuz on a equality with him. it made me ashamed to think a male relation on my own side should act so meachin'. and in one thing she even went ahead of bill, owin' to the money men had spent on her. she sung like a bird, and evenin's bill would lay back in his chair before the open fireplace and listen to her singin' and playin' them old songs and look at her as if he worshipped her. he didn't seem to want to stir out of the house evenin's unless she went too, lost all his ambition to go out and have a good man time, seemed perfectly happy where he wuz. and he used to be a great case to be out nights and act like a man amongst men. "but," sez uncle sime, "i believe that one of the things that galded me most amongst all the galdin' things i see and hearn there, wuz bill's wife's independence in money matters. economic independence! that wuz one of her fool idees. oh, how often i thought of you, josiah, and wished you wuz there to put down what i see and hearn in the beautiful language you know so well how to use." my feelin's wuz touched and i sez solemnly, "simon, i would loved to been there, and if i couldn't help you i could have sot and sympathized with you." sez simon, "never once durin' them six weeks i wuz there did i see her ask bill for a cent, and how well i remember," sez simon, "when if ma wanted the money for a pair of shues, or a gingham dress for herself, how she would have to coax pa and git him extra vittles and pompey him and beg for the money in such a womanly and becomin' way. and sometimes pa wuz real short with her and would deny her. not but what he meant to git 'em in the end, for he wuz a noble man. but he held off, wantin' her to realize he wuz the head of the fambly, and to be looked up to." sez simon, "ma would have to manage every way for days and days to git them shues and that dress and when he did git any clothes for her pa picked 'em out himself, for ma had been brought up to think his taste wuz better'n hern." sez i, "probable it wuz better, probable he got things that wore like iron." "yes, he did," sez simon, "he did. he never cared so much for looks as he did the solid wear of anything." and for a few minutes uncle sime seemed lost in a silent contemplation of his pa's oncommon good qualities, and then he resoomed agin. "the news come right whilst i wuz there, about the leven hundred saloons closed durin' the few months since wimmen voted in that state. and bill never resented it and even jined in with the idee that it wuz owin' to wimmen's votes largely that that and the other big temperance victories of late wuz accomplished. he didn't seem to have no more self respect than a snipe. and if you'll believe it, josiah, bill's wife made a public speech right whilst i wuz there, sunthin' about school matters she thought wuz wrong and ort to be set right." "how did bill like that, simon?" sez i. "i guess that kinder opened his eyes." "like it!" sez uncle sime in a indignant axent. "why, instead of actin' ashamed and resentin' it as a man of sperit would, he went with her and made a speech too, and they carried the day and beat the side they said wuz usin' the school to make money. and i hearn 'em with my own ears comin' in at ten p.m. laughin' and jokin' together like two kids. makin' a speech before men! oh, what would bill's great-grandma thought on't? she'd say she had reason for her melancholy madness, and his grandma would say she wuz glad she wuz dead." "most probable that is so, simon," sez i, sympathizin' with him. "as i've intimidated to you before, simon, time and agin, this is a turrible epock of time us male men are a passin' through, jest like a see-saw gone crazy, wimmen up and stayin' up, and men down and held down. but wait till my great work agin female suffrage is lanched onto the world and then see what will happen, and jest as soon as i git a little ahead with my outdoor work i'm a goin' to lanch it. then will come the upheaval and the crash, follered by peace and happiness. men will resoom their heaven-born station as rulers and protectors of the weaker sect, and females will sink down agin into hern, lookin' up to man as their nateral gardeens and masters." "ma knowed it in her day and practiced it," sez simon. "and pa knowed it and acted his part nobly. ma wuz so retirin' and so womanly. why, if once in a great while she took it in her head to ask about such things as bill's wife boldly lectured about, do you spoze she'd go before any strange man to talk out about it? no, she would always ask pa to explain it to her. and i remember well how kinder wishful and wonderin' her eyes looked and yet timid and becomin'. and pa actin' his part in life as a man of sperit should, would most always tell her to tend to her housework and let men run them things. but if he did feel good natered and explain 'em to her she took his word for law and gospel and acted meek and grateful to him. "yes, pa wuz to the head of his house and kep' females down where they belonged, and her actions wuz a pattern for wimmen to foller. and it wuz such a pity and a wonder that she had to die so early, only thirty years old when the lord took her before her virtues wuz known to the world at large. "i remember well the night she passed away," sez simon, in a softer reminescener axent. "she wanted her bed drawed up to the open winder. and she lay lookin' up to the full moon and stars a shinin' in the great clear sky. she looked up and up and kinder smiled and sez in a sort of a wishful, wonderin' axents: "'oh, how big! and how free!' "and i always spozed she meant sunthin' about how big pa wuz, and how free to understand things she didn't, and hadn't ort to." sez i, "i hain't a doubt, simon, but that wuz what she meant, not a doubt on't!" printed in the united states of america by marietta holley _josiah allen on the woman question_ illustrated, 16mo, cloth net $1.00. a new volume from the pen of miss holley, marked by such quaint thoughtfulness and timely reflection as ran through "samantha". all who read it will be bound to feel better, as indeed they should, for they will have done some hearty laughing, and have been "up against" some bits of striking philosophy delivered with point, vigor, and chuckling humor. _samantha on the woman question_ illustrated, 16mo, cloth net $1.00. "this is the book we have been waiting for. what samantha doesn't know, isn't worth knowing--will throw a little humor on a situation which is becoming too intense. we hope it may have a wide circulation in england, for samantha, who believes in suffrage, does not believe in dynamite, gunpowder and mobs." --_examiner._ fiction _caroline abbot stanley_ _author of "the master of the oaks"_ the keeper of the vineyard a tale of the ozarks. illustrated, $1.25 net. this story of a "return to nature," like the author's "master of the oaks," pulsates with real life. the scene lies in the missouri ozarks, a melting pot wherein those who seek the solace of nature and a living from the soil fuse their lives with the natives of the hills in the common quest for liberty and education, love and life. _norman hinsdale pitman_ the lady elect a chinese romance. illustrated by chinese artists. 12mo, cloth, net $1.25. some of the best judges of a good story as well as some of the highest authorities on "things chinese" pronounce this story a remarkable combination of the rarest and most irresistible type of pure romance and the truest and most realistic delineation of chinese life. the novelty of the setting and the situations will win the instant approval of the lover of good fiction. _richard s. holmes_ bradford horton: man a novel. 12mo, cloth, net $1.25. dr. holmes made a distinct place for himself among lovers of good fiction with his earlier stories, "the victor," and "the maid of honor." competent critics pronounce this new story the author's best. the hero is a man's man who wins instant admiration. originality of humor, reality of pathos, comedy and heart tragedy are woven into the story. _marietta holley_ (_josiah allen's wife_) samantha on the woman question illustrated, 12mo, cloth, net $1.00. for an entire generation marietta holley has been entertaining lovers of good humor. "my opinion and betsy bobbitts" and "samantha at the centennial" made her name a household word. this last volume is not only timely but with all its facetiousness, keen and telling in it's advocacy of "votes for women" and temperance. it equals anything the author has produced. _charles h. lerrigo_ doc williams a tale of the middle west. illustrated, net $1.25. "the homely humor of the old doctor and his childlike faith in 'the cure' is so intensely human that he captures the sympathy of the layman at once--a sympathy that becomes the deepest sort of interest."--_topeka capital._ fiction, juvenile _henry otis dwight_ a muslim sir galahad a present day story of islam in turkey. 12mo, cloth, net $1.00. a story of the mohammedan world which holds the reader's attention unfailingly from beginning to end. the narration of selim, the moslem's quest for a satisfying religion has the quality of reality. dramatic interest and thrills of adventure are here in full measure. it is a worthy addition to missionary narration and in view of recent portentious events in the near east a timely and acceptable work. _charles h. lerrigo_ doc williams a tale of the middle west. 12mo, cloth, net $1.25. the story of a "doctor of the old school" with every element which makes a novel worth the reading, plot, character delineation, setting, style--all are here. intensely human, natural, humorous, pathetic, joyous. the originality of the plot piques the reader's curiosity and the most jaded devourer of novels will find himself irresistibly held in delightful suspense. the sentiment and suggestion and mellow philosophy which run through the story are altogether delightful. _i. t. thurston_ the torch bearer a camp fire girls' story. illustrated, net $1.00. the author of "the bishop's shadow" and "the scout master of troop 5," has scored another conspicuous success in this new story of girl life. she shows conclusively that she knows how to reach the heart of a girl as well as that of a boy. the beautiful ritual and practices of "the camp fire girls" are woven into a story of surpassing interest and charm. sociology and practical religion _prof. giovanni luzzi, d.d._ the struggle for christian truth in italy 8vo, cloth, net $1.50. the author traces the history of christianity in italy from its dawn in rome, through the protestant development, giving a concise history of the bible in italy, the founding of the waldensian mission among the alps, the religious revival of 1800, the exile period; up to the present movement, termed "modernism," an attempt to bring the roman catholic church back to the simplicity of christ. the tinder-box [illustration: "you don't need another vine," i answered mutinously.] the tinder-box by maria thompson daviess author of "the melting of molly," "miss selina lue," "sue jane," etc. with illustrations by john edwin jackson new york the century co. _published, november, 1913_ i dedicate this book to hannah daviess pittman who blazed my trail and still does contents chapter page i. the load 3 ii. the maiden lance 26 iii. a flint-spark 48 iv. sweeter when tamed? 79 v. deeper than shoulders or ribs 105 vi. man and the asafetida spoon 136 vii. some smolderings 173 viii. an attained to-morrow 211 ix. dynamite 248 x. together? 282 illustrations "you don't need another vine," i answered mutinously....._frontispiece_ he stood calmly in the midst of sallie's family and baggage, both animate and inanimate 38 "say, polk, i let the pup git hung by her apron to the wheel of your car" 98 his gray eyes were positively mysterious with interrupted dreams 182 "we must not allow the men time to get sore over this matter of the league" 218 "is this right?" he asked 244 "she's our mother," he said 276 scrouged so close to his arm that it was difficult for both of them to walk 280 the tinder box chapter i the load all love is a gas, and it takes either loneliness, strength of character, or religion to liquefy it into a condition to be ladled out of us, one to another. there is a certain dangerously volatile state of it; and occasionally people, especially of opposite sexes, try to administer it to each other in that form, with asphyxiation resulting to both hearts. and i'm willing to confess that it is generally a woman's fault when such an accident occurs. that is, it is a mistake of her nature, not one of intent. but she is learning! also when a woman is created, the winds have wooed star-dust, rose-dew, peach-down, and a few flint-shavings into a whirlwind of deviltry, and the world at large looks on in wonder and sore amazement, as well as breathless interest. i know, because i am one, and have just been waked up by the gyrations of the cyclone; and i'm deeply confounded. i don't like it, and wish i could have slept longer, but fate and jane mathers decreed otherwise. at least jane decreed, and fate seems so far helpless to controvert the decree. i might have known that when this jolly, easy-going old fate of mine, which i inherited from a lot of indolent, pleasure-loving harpeth valley tennesseans, let me pack up my graduating thesis, my b.s., and some delicious frocks, and go off to paris for a degree from the beaux arts in architecture, we would be caught up with by some kind of nemesis or other, and put in our place in the biological and ethnological scheme of existence. yes, fate and i are placed, and jane did it. also, i am glad, now that i know what is going to happen to me, that i had last week on shipboard, with richard hall bombarding my cardiac regions with his honest eyes and booming voice discreetly muffled to accord with the moonlight and the quiet places around the deck. i may never get that sort of a joy-drink again, but it was so well done that it will help me to administer the same to others when the awful occasion arrives. "a woman is the spark that lights the flame on the altar of the inner man, dear, and you'll have to sparkle when your time comes," he warned me, as i hurried what might have been a very tender parting, the last night at sea. "_spark_"--she's a conflagration by this new plan of jane's, but i'm glad he didn't know about it then. he may have to suffer from it yet. it is best for him to be as happy as he can as long as he can. "evelina, dear," said jane, as she and mary elizabeth conners and i sat in the suite of apartments in which our proud alma mater had lodged us old grads, returned for our second degrees, "your success has been remarkable, and i am not surprised at all that that positively creative thesis of yours on the twentieth century garden, to which i listened to-night, procured you an honorable mention in your class at the beaux arts. the french are a nation that quickly recognizes genius. i am very happy to-night. all your honors and achievements make me only the more certain that i have chosen the right person for the glorious mission i am about to offer you." "oh, no, jane!" i exclaimed, from a sort of instinct for trouble to come. i know that devoted, twenty-second century look in jane's intense, near-sighted eyes, and i always fend from it. she is a very dear person, and i respectfully adore her. indeed, i sometimes think she is the real spine in my back that was left out of me, and of its own strength got developed into another and a finer woman. she became captain of my freshman soul, at the same time she captured the captaincy of the boat crew, on which i pulled stroke, and i'm still hitting the water when she gives the word, though it now looks as if we are both adrift on the high and uncharted seas--or sitting on the lid of a tinder-box, juggling lighted torches. "you see, dear," she went on to say slowly, drawing mary elizabeth into the spell-bound circle of our intensity, as we three sat together with our newly-engraved sheepskins on our knees, "for these two years while you have been growing and developing along all your natural lines in a country which was not your own, in a little pool i should call it, out of even sight and sound of the current of events, we have been here in your own land engaged in the great work of the organization and reorganization which is molding the destinies of the women of our times, and those that come after us. that is what i want to talk to you about, and devoutly have i been praying that your heart will be receptive to the call that has claimed the life of mary elizabeth and me. there is a particular work, for which you are fitted as no other woman i have ever known is fitted, and i want to lay the case plainly before you to-night. will you give me a hearing?" and the hearing i gave that beloved and devout woman was the _reveille_ that awakened me to this--this whirlwind that seems to be both inside me and outside me, and everywhere else in the whole world. it's not woman's suffrage; it has gone way down past the road from votes for women. i wish i could have stopped in that political field of endeavor before jane got to me. she might have left me there doing little things like making speeches before the united states senate and running for governor of tennessee, after i had, single-handed, remade the archaic constitution of that proud and bat-blind old state of my birth; but such ease was not for me. of course for years, as all women have been doing who are sensible enough to use the brains god gave them and stop depending on their centuries-seasoned intuitions and fascinations, i have been reading about this feminist revolution that seems all of a sudden to have revoluted from nobody knows where, and i have been generally indignant over things whether i understood them or not, and i have felt that i was being oppressed by the opposite sex, even if i could not locate the exact spot of the pain produced. i have always felt that when i got to it i would shake off the shackles of my queer fondness and of my dependence upon my oppressors, and do something revengeful to them. when my father died in my junior year and left me all alone in the world, the first thing that made me feel life in my veins again was the unholy rage i experienced when i found that he had left me bodaciously and otherwise to my fifth cousin, james hardin. cousin james is a healthy reversion to the primitive type of father abraham, and he has so much aristocratic moss on him that he reminds me of that old gray crag that hangs over silver creek out on providence road. artistically he is perfectly beautiful in an old-testament fashion. he lives in an ancient, rambling house across the road from my home, and he is making a souvenir collection of derelict women. everybody that dies in glendale leaves him a relict, and including his mother, cousin martha, he now has either seven or nine female charges, depending on the sex of sallie carruthers's twin babies, which i can't exactly remember, but will wager is feminine. my being left to him was an insult to me, though of course father did not see it that way. he adored the crag, as everybody else in glendale does, and wouldn't have considered not leaving him precious me. wanting to ignore cousin james, because i was bound out to him until my twenty-fifth year or marriage, which is worse, has kept me from glendale all these four years since father died suddenly while i was away at college, laid up with the ankle which i broke in the gymnasium. still, as much as i resent him, i keep the letter the crag wrote me the night after father died, right where i can put my hand on it if life suddenly panics me for any reason. it covers all the circumstances i have yet met. i wonder if i ought to burn it now! but, to be honest with myself, i will have to confess that the explosively sentimental scene on the front porch, the night i left for college, with polk hayes has had something to do with my cowardice in lingering in foreign climes. i feel that it is something i will have to go on with some day, and the devil will have to pick up the chips. polk is the kind of man that ought to be exterminated by the government in sympathy for its women wards, if his clan didn't make such good citizens when they do finally marry. he ought at least to be labeled "poison for the very young." i was very young out on the porch that night. still, i don't resent him like i do the archaic crag. and as jane talked, my seasoned indignation of four years against my keeper flared up, and while she paused at intervals for breath i hurled out plans for his demolishment. i wish now i had been more conservatively quiet, and left myself a loophole, but i didn't. i walked into this situation and shut the door behind me. "yes, evelina, i think you will have to insist forcibly on assuming charge of your own social and financial affairs in your own home. it may not be easy, with such a man as you describe, but you will accomplish it. however, many mediocre women have proved their ability to attend to their own fortunes, and do good business for themselves; but your battle is to be fought on still higher grounds. you are to rise and establish with your fellow-man a plane of common citizenship. you do it for his sake and your own, and for that of humanity." "suppose, after i get up there on that plateau, i didn't find any man at all," i ventured faint-heartedly, but with a ripple of my risibles; the last in life i fear. "you must reach down your hands to them and draw them up to you," she answered in a tone of tonic inspiration. "you are to claim the same right to express your emotions that a man has. you are to offer your friendship to both men and women on the same frank terms, with no degrading hesitancy caused by an embarrassment on account of your sex. it is his due and yours. no form of affection is to be withheld from him. it is to be done frankly and impressively, and when the time comes--" i can hardly write this, but the memory of the wonderful though fanatic light in jane's eyes makes me able to scrawl it--"that you feel the mating instinct in you move towards any man, i charge you that you are to consider it a sacred obligation to express it with the same honesty that a man would express the same thing to you, in like case, even if he has shown no sign of that impulse toward you. no contortions and contemptible indirect method of attack, but a fearless one that is yours by right, and his though he may not acknowledge it. the barbaric and senseless old convention that denies women the right of selection, for which god has given her the superior instinct, is to be broken down by just such women as you. a woman less dowered by beauty and all feminine charm could not do it just yet, but to you, to whom the command of men is a natural gift, is granted the wonderful chance to prove that it can be done, honestly and triumphantly, with no sacrifice of the sacredness of womanhood." "oh, jane." i moaned into the arm of the chair on which i had bowed my head. i am moaning; now just as much, down in the bottom of my heart. where are all my gentle foremothers that smiled behind their lace fans and had their lily-white hands kissed by cavalier gentlemen in starched ruffles, out under the stars that rise over old harpeth, that they don't claim me in a calm and peaceful death? still, as much as i would like to die, i am interested in what is going to happen. "yes, evelina," she answered in an adamant tone of voice, "and when i have the complete record of what, i know, will be your triumphant vindication of the truth that it is possible and advisable for women to assert their divine right to choose a mate for their sacred vocation of bearing the race, i shall proceed, as i have told you, to choose five other suitable young women to follow your example, and furnish them the money, up to the sum of a hundred thousand dollars, after having been convinced by your experience. be careful to make the most minute records, of even the most emotional phases of the question, in this book for their guidance. of course, they will never know the source of the data, and i will help you elucidate and arrange the book, after it is all accomplished." if jane hadn't had two million dollars all this trouble would not be. "i can never do it!" i exclaimed with horror, "and the men will hate it--and me. and if i did do it, i couldn't write it." i almost sobbed as a vision flashed before me of thus verbally snap-shotting the scene with dear old dickie as we stood against the rail of the ship and watched the waves fling back silvery radiance at the full moon, and i also wondered how i was to render in serviceable written data his husky: "a woman is the flame that lights the spark--" also, what would that interview with polk hayes look like reproduced with high lights? "now," she answered encouragingly, "don't fear the men, dear. they are sensible and business-like creatures, and they will soon see how much to their advantage it is to be married to women who have had an equal privilege with themselves of showing their preferences. then only can they be sure that their unions are from real preferences and not compromises, on the part of their wives, from lack of other choice. of course, a woman's pride will make her refrain from courtship, as does her brother man, until she is financially independent, and self-supporting, lest she be put in the position of a mendicant." jane has thought the whole thing out from genesis to revelation. still, that last clause about the mendicant leaves hope for the benighted man who still wants the cling of the vine. a true vine would never want--or be able--to hustle enough to flower sordid dollars instead of curls and blushes. "a woman would have to be--to be a good deal of a woman, not any less one, to put such a thing across, jane," i said, with a preflash of some of the things that might happen in such a cruel crusade of reformation and deprivation of rights. "that is the reason i have chosen you to collect the data, evelina," answered jane, with another of those glorious tonic looks, issuing from my backbone in her back. "the ultimate woman must be superb in body, brain, and heart. you are that now more nearly than any one i have ever seen. you are the woman!" i was silenced with awe. "jane plans to choose five girls who would otherwise have to spend their lives teaching in crowded cities after leaving college and to start them in any profession they choose, with every chance of happiness, in the smaller cities of the south and middle west," said mary elizabeth gently, and somehow the tears rose in my eyes, as i thought how the poor dear had been teaching in the high school in chicago the two glorious years i had been frolicking abroad. no time, and no men to have good times with. and there were hundreds like her, i knew, in all the crowded parts of the united states. and as i had begun, i thought further. just because i was embarrassed at the idea of proposing to some foolish man, who is of no importance to me, himself, or the world in general, down in glendale, where they have all known me all my life, and would expect anything of me anyway after i have defied tradition and gone to college, five lovely, lonely girls would have to go without any delightful suitors like richard--or polk hayes, forever. and, still further, i thought of the other girls, coming under the influence of those five, who might be encouraged to hold up their heads and look around, and at least help out their richards in their matrimonial quest, and as i sat there with jane's compelling and mary elizabeth's hungry eyes on me, i felt that i was being besought by all the lovers of all the future generations to tear down some sort of awful barrier and give them happiness. and it was the thought of the men that was most appealing. it takes a woman who really likes them as i do, and has their good really at heart, to see their side of the question as jane put it, poor dears. suddenly, i felt that all the happiness of the whole world was in one big, golden chalice, and that i had to hold it steadily to give drink to all men and all women--with a vision of little unborn kiddies in the future. then, before i could stop myself, i decided--and i hope the dear lord--i say it devoutly--indeed i do!--will help that poor man in glendale if i pick out the wrong one. i'm going to do it. "i accept your appointment and terms, jane," i said quietly, as i looked both those devout, if fanatic, women in the face. "i pledge myself to go back to glendale, to live a happy, healthy, normal life, as useful as i can make it. i had intended to do that anyway, for if i am to evolve the real american garden. i can't do better than sketch and study those in the harpeth valley, for at least two seasons all around. i shall work at my profession whole-heartedly, take my allotted place in the community, and refuse to recognize any difference in the obligations and opportunities in my life and that of the men with whom i am thrown, and to help all other women to take such a fearless and honest attitude--if glendale blows up in consequence. i will seek and claim marriage in exactly the same fearless way a man does, and when i have found what i want i shall expect you to put one hundred thousand dollars, twenty to each, at the disposal of five other suitable young women, to follow my example, as noted down in this book--if it has been successful. shall i give you some sort of written agreement?" "just record the agreement as a note in the book, and i will sign it," answered jane, in her crispest and most business-like tone of voice, though i could see she was trembling with excitement, and poor mary elizabeth was both awe-struck and hopeful. i'll invite mary elizabeth down to glendale, as soon as i stake out my own claim, poor dear! and here i sit alone at midnight, with a huge, steel-bound, lock-and-keyed book that jane has had made for me, with my name and the inscription, "in case of death, send unopened to jane mathers, boston, massachusetts," on the back, committed to a cause as crazy and as serious as anything since the pilgrimages, or the quest of the knights for the grail. it also looks slightly like trying to produce a modern don quixote, feminine edition, and my cheeks are flaming so that i wouldn't look at them for worlds. and to write it all, too! i have always had my opinion of women who spill their souls out of an ink-bottle, but i ought to pardon a nihilist, that in the dead of night, cold with terror, confides some awful appointment he has had made him, to his nearest friend. i am the worst nihilist that ever existed, and the bomb i am throwing may explode and destroy the human race. but, on the other hand, the explosion might be of another kind. suppose that suddenly a real woman's entire nature should be revealed to the world, might not the universe be enveloped in a rose glory and a love symphony? we'll see! also, could the time ever come when a woman wouldn't risk hanging over the ragged edge of heaven to hold on to the hand of some man? never! then, as that is the case, i see we must all keep the same firm grip on the creatures we have always had, and haul them over the edge, but we must not do it any more without letting them know about it--it isn't honest. yes, women must solidify their love into such a concrete form that men can weigh and measure it, and decide for themselves whether they want to--to climb to heaven for it, or remain comfortable old bachelors. we mustn't any more lead them into marriage blinded by the overpowering gaseous fragrance called romantic love. but, suppose i should lose all love for everybody in this queer quest for enlightenment i have undertaken? please, god, let a good man be in glendale, tennessee, who will understand and protect me--no, that's the wrong prayer! protect him--no--both of us! chapter ii the maiden lance a woman may shut her eyes, and put a man determinedly out of her heart, and in two minutes she will wake up in an agony of fear that he isn't there. now, as i have decided that glendale is to be the scene of this bloodless revolution of mine--it would be awful to carry out such an undertaking anywhere but under the protection of ancestral traditions--i have operated richard hall out of my inmost being with the utmost cruelty, on an average of every two hours, for this week jane and i have been in new york; and i have still got him with me. i, at last, became determined, and chose the roof-garden at the astor to tell him good-by, and perform the final operation. first i tried to establish a plane of common citizenship with him, by telling him how much his two years' friendship across the waters had meant to me, while we studied the same profession under the same masters, drew at the same drawing-boards and watched dear old paris flame into her jeweled night-fire from montmarte, together. i was frankly affectionate, and it made him suspicious of me. then i tried to tell him just a little, only a hint, of my new attitude towards his sex, and before he had had time even to grasp the idea he exploded. "don't talk to me as if you were an alienist trying to examine an abstruse case, evelina," he growled, with extreme temper. "go on down and rusticate with your relatives for the summer, and fly the bats in your belfry at the old moss-backs, while i am getting this cincinnati and gulf stations commission under way. then, when i can, i will come for you. let's don't discuss the matter, and it's time i took you back to your hotel." not a very encouraging tilt for my maiden lance. i've had a thought. if i should turn and woo dickie, like he does me, i suppose we would be going-so fast in opposite directions that we would be in danger of passing each other without recognizing signals. i wonder if that might get to be the case of humanity at large if women do undertake the tactics i am to experiment with, and a dearth of any kind of loving and claiming at all be the result. i will elucidate that idea and shoot it into jane. but i have no hope; she'll have the answer ticketed away in the right pigeon-hole, statistics and all, ready to fire back at me. i have a feeling that jane won't expect such a diary as this locked cell of a book is becoming, but i can select what looks like data for the young from these soul squirmings, and only let her have those for the five. i don't know which are which now, and i'll have to put down the whole drama. and my home-coming last night was a drama that had in it so much comedy, dashed with tragedy, that i'm a little breathless over it yet. jane, and my mind is breathing unevenly still. considering the situation, and my intentions, i was a bit frightened as the huge engine rattled and roared its way along the steel rails that were leading me back, down into the harpeth valley. but, when we crossed the kentucky line, i forgot the horrors of my mission, and i thrilled gloriously at getting hack to my hills. old harpeth had just come into sight, as we rounded into the valley and providence knob rested back against it, in a pink glow that i knew came from the honeysuckle in bloom all over it like a mantle. i traveled fast into the twilight, and i saw all the stars smile out over the ridge, in answer to the hearth stars in the valley, before i got across silver creek. i hadn't let any one know that i was coming, so i couldn't expect any one to meet me at the station at glendale. there was nobody there i belonged to--just an empty house. i suppose a man coming home like that would have whistled and held up his head, but i couldn't. i'm a woman. suddenly, that long glowworm of a train stopped just long enough at glendale to eject me and my five trunks, with such hurried emphasis that i felt i was being planted in the valley forever, and i would have to root myself here or die. i still feel that way. and as i stood just where my feet were planted, in the dust of the road, instead of on the little ten-foot platform, that didn't quite reach to my sleeper steps, i felt as small as i really am in comparison to the universe. i looked after the train and groveled. then, just as i was about to start running down the track, away from nowhere and to nowhere, i was brought to my senses by a loud boohoo, and then a snubby choke, which seemed to come out of my bag and steamer-blanket that stood in a pile before me. "train's gone, train's gone and left us! i knew it would, when sallie stopped to put the starch on her face all over again. and cousin james, he's as slow as molasses, and i couldn't dress two twins in not time to button one baby. oh, damn, oh, damn!" and the sobs rose to a perfect storm of a wail. just at that moment, down the short platform an electric light, that was so feeble that it seemed to show a pine-knot influence in its heredity, was turned on by the station-agent, who was so slow that i perceived the influence of a descent from old mr. territt, who drove the stage that came down from the city before the war, and my fellow-sufferer stood revealed. she was a slim, red-haired bunch of galatea, stylish of cut as to upturned nose and straight little skirt but wholly and defiantly unshod save for a dusty white rag around one pink toe. a cunning little straw bonnet, with an ecru lace jabot dangled in her hand, and her big brown eyes reminded me of jane's at her most inquisitive moments. "if you was on a train, what did you git offen it _here_ for?" she demanded of me, with both scorn and curiosity in her positive young voice. "i don't know why," i answered weakly, not at all in the tone of a young-gallant-home-from-the-war mood i had intended to assume towards the first inhabitant of my native town to whom i addressed a remark. "we was all a-goin' down to hillsboro, to visit aunt bettie pollard for a whole week, to cousin tom's wedding, but my family is too slow for nothing but a funeral. and cousin james, he's worse. he corned for us ten minutes behind the town clock, and mammy dilsie had phthisic, so i had to fix the two twins, and we're done left. i wisht i didn't have no family!" and with her bare feet the young rebel raised a cloud of dust that rose and settled on my skirt. "there they come now," she continued, with the pained contempt still rising in her voice. and around the corner of the station hurried the family party, with all the haste they would have been expected to use if they had not, just two minutes earlier, beheld their train go relentlessly on down the valley to hillsboro and the wedding celebration. i hadn't placed the kiddie, but i might have known, from her own description of her family, to whom she belonged. first came sallie carruthers, sailing along in the serene way that i remembered to have always thought like a swan in no hurry, and in her hands was a wet box from which rose sterns protruded. next in the procession came aunt dilsie, huge and black and wheezing, fanning herself with a genteel turkey-tail fan, and carrying a large covered basket. but the tail-piece of the procession paralyzed all the home-coming emotions that i had expected to be feeling, save that of pure hilarity. james hardin was carrying two bubbly, squirmy, tousle-headed babies, on one arm, and a huge suitcase in the other hand, and his gray felt hat set on the back of his shock of black hair at an angle of deep desperation, though patience shone from every line of his strong, gaunt body, and i could see in the half light that there were no lines of irritation about his mouth, which richard had said looked to him like that of the prophet hosea, when i had shown him the picture that father had had snapped of himself and the crag, with their great string of quail, on one of their hunting-trips, just before father died. "eve!" he exclaimed, when he suddenly caught sight of me, standing in the middle of the dusty road, with my impedimenta around me, and as he spoke he dropped both babies on the platform in a bunch, and the small trunk on the other side. then he just stood and looked, and i had to straighten the roar that was arising in me at the sight of him into a conventional smile of greeting, suitable to bestow on an enemy. but before the smile was well launched, sallie bustled in and got the full effect of it. "why, evelina shelby, you darling thing, when did you come?" she fairly bubbled, as she clasped me in the most hospitable of arms, and bestowed a slightly powdery kiss on both my cheeks. i weakly and femininely enjoyed the hug, not that a man might not have--sallie is a dear, and i always did like her gush, shamefacedly. "she got often that train that left us, and she ain't got a bit of sense, or she wouldn't," answered the blue bunch for me, in a matter-of-fact tone of voice. "what for did you all unpack outen the surrey, if you sawed the train go by?" she further demanded, with accusing practicality. "don't you know when youse left?" "oh, henrietta," exclaimed sallie, looking at the young-philosopher with terrified helplessness. "please don't mind her, evelina. i don't understand her being my child, and nobody does, unless it was henry's grandmother on his mother's side. you had heard of my loss?" if i hadn't heard of the death of henry carruthers, sallie's elaborate black draperies, relieved by the filmy exquisiteness of white crepe ruches at the neck and wrists, would have proclaimed the fact. suddenly, something made me look at cousin james, as he stood calmly in the midst of sallie's family and baggage, both animate and inanimate, and the laugh that had threatened for minutes fairly flared out into his placid, young prophet face. "oh, i am so sorry, sallie, and so glad to see all of you that i'm laughing at the same time," i exclaimed to save myself from the awfulness of greeting a young widow's announcement of her sorrow in such an unfeeling manner. to cover my embarrassment and still further struggles with the laugh that never seemed to be able to have itself out, i bent and hugged up one of the toddlers, who were balancing against the crag's legs, with truly feminine fervor. "i'm glad to see you, evelina," said cousin james gently, and i could see that the billows of my mirth had got entirely past him. i was glad he had escaped, and i found myself able to look with composure at his queer, long-tailed gray coat, which made me know that little old mr. pinkus, who had been father's orderly all through the war, was still alive and tailoring in his tiny shop down by the post-office, though now that father is dead he probably only does it for cousin james. the two of them had been his only customers for years. and as i looked, i saw that the locks that curled in an ante-bellum fashion around the crag's ears, were slightly sprinkled with gray, and remembered how he had loved and stood by father, even in the manner of wearing pinkus clothes; my heart grew very large all of a sudden, and i held out my hand to him. [illustration: he stood calmly in the midst of sallie's family and baggage, both animate and inanimate.] "i'm glad to be at home," i said, gazing straight into his eyes, with a look of affection that you would have been proud of, jane,--using unconsciously, until after i had done it, the warmth i had tried unsuccessfully on richard hall at the astor, not forty-eight hours ago, but two thousand miles away. and it got a response that puzzles me to think of yet. it was just a look, but there was a thought of father in it, also a suggestion of the glance he bestowed on sallie's twins. i remembered that the crag seldom speaks, and that's what makes you spend your time breathlessly listening to him. "well, come on, everybody, let's go home and undress, and forget about the wedding," came in henrietta's positive and executive tones. "let's go and take the strange lady with us. we can have company if we can't be it. she can sleep other side of me, next the wall." i have never met anybody else at all like henrietta carruthers, and i never shall unless jane mathers marries and--i sincerely hope that some day she and jane will meet. and the next ten minutes was one of the most strenuous periods of time i ever put in, in all my life. i longed, really longed, to go home with sallie and henrietta, and sleep next the wall at widegables with the rest of the crag's collection. but i knew glendale well enough to see plainly that if i thus once give myself up to the conventions that by saturday night they would have me nicely settled with his relicts, or in my home with probably two elderly widows and a maiden cousin or so to look after me. and then, by the end of the next week, they would have the most suitable person in town fairly hunted by both spoken and mental influence, to the moonlight end of my front porch, with matrimonial intentions in his pocket. i knew i had to take a positive stand, and take it immediately. i must be masculinely firm. no feminine wiles would serve in such a crisis as this. so, i let cousin james pack me into his low, prehistoric old surrey, in the front seat, at his side, while sallie took aunt dilsie and one twin with her on the back seat. henrietta scrouged down at my feet, and i fearingly, but accommodatingly, accepted the other twin. it was a perfect kitten of a baby, and purred itself to sleep against my shoulder as soon as anchored. the half-mile from the station, along the dusty, quiet village streets, was accomplished in about the time it would take a modern vehicle to traverse manhattan lengthwise, and at last we stopped at the gate of widegables. the rambling, winged, wide-gabled, tall-columned old pile of time-grayed brick and stone, sat back in the moonlight, in its tangle of a garden, under its tall roof maples, with a dignity that went straight to my heart. there is nothing better in france or england, and i feel sure that there are not two hundred houses in america as good. i'll paint it, just like i saw it to-night, for next spring's salon. a bright light shone from the windows of the dining-room in the left wing, where the collection of clinging vines were taking supper, unconscious of the return of the left-behinds that threatened. and as i glanced at my own tall-pillared, dark old house, that stands just opposite widegables, and is of the same period and style, i knew that if i did not escape into its emptiness before i got into cousin martha's comfortable arms, surrounded by the rest of the crag's family, i would never have the courage to enter into the estate of freedom i had planned. "sallie," i said firmly, as i handed the limp kitten down to aunt dilsie, as henrietta took the other one--"puppy" i suppose i will have to call the young animal,--from her mother and started on up the walk in the lead of the return expedition, "i am going over to stay in my own home to-night. i know it seems strange, but--i _must_. please don't worry about me." "why, dear, you can't stay by yourself, with no man on the place," exclaimed sallie, in a tone of absolute panic. "i'll go tell cousin martha you are here, while cousin james unpacks your satchel and things." and she hurried in her descent from the ark, and also hurried in her quest for the reinforcement of cousin martha's authority. "i'm going to escape before any of them come back," i said determinedly to the crag, who stood there still, just looking at me. "i'm not up to arguing the question to-night, for the trip has been a long one, and this is the first time i have been home since--just let me have to-night to myself, please." i found myself pleading to him, as he held up his arms to lift me clear of the wheels. his eyes were hurt and suffering for a second, then a strange light of comprehension came from them into mine, like a benediction, as he gently set me on my feet. "must you, eve?" "yes," i answered, with a gulp that went all the way down to my feminine toes, as i glanced across the road at the grim, dark old pile that towered against the starlit sky. "i want to stay in my own house to-night--and--and i'm not afraid." "you won't need to be frightened. i understand, i think--and here's your key, i always carry it in my pocket. your father's candle is on the mantel. you shall have to-night to yourself. good-night, and bless your home-coming, dear!" "good-night," i answered as i turned away from his kind eyes quickly, to keep from clinging-to him with might and main, and crossed the road to my own gate. with my head up, and trying for the whistle, at least in my heart, i went quickly along the front walk with its rows of blush peonies, nodding along either edge. the two old purple lilacs beside the front steps have grown so large they seemed to be barring my way into my home with longing, sweet embraces, and a fragrant little climbing rose, that has rioted across the front door, ever since i could remember, bent down and left a kiss on my cheeks. the warm, mellow old moon flooded a glow in front of me, through the big front door, as i opened it, and then hastened to pour into the wide windows as i threw back the shutters. logs lay ready for lighting in the wide fireplace at the end of the long room, and father's tobacco jar gleamed a reflected moonlight from its pewter sides from the tall mantel-shelf. the old hooks melted into the dusk of their cases along the wall, and the portrait of grandfather shelby lost its fierce gaze and became benign from its place between the windows. i was being welcomed to the home of my fathers, with a soft dusk that was as still and sweet as the grave. sweet for those that want it; but i didn't. suddenly, i thrilled as alive as any terror-stricken woman that ever found herself alone anywhere on any other edge of the world, and then as suddenly found myself in a complete condition of fright prostration, crouched on my own threshold. i was frightened at the dark, and could not even cry. then almost immediately, while i crouched quivering in every nerve i seemed to hear a man's voice say comfortingly: "you don't need to be frightened." courageously i lifted my eyes and looked down between the old lilac bushes, and saw just what i expected i would, a tall, gray figure, pacing slowly up and down the road. then it was that fear came into me, stiffened my muscles and strengthened my soul--fear of myself and my own conclusions about destiny and all things pertaining thereto. i never want to go through such another hour as i spent putting things in order in father's room, which opens off the living-room, so i could go to bed by candle-light in the bed in which he and i were both born. i wanted to sleep there, and didn't even open any other part of the grim old house. and when i put out the candle and lay in the high, old four-post bed, i again felt as small as i really am, and i was in danger of a bad collapse from self-depreciation when my humor came to the rescue. i might just as well have gone on and slept between henrietta and the wall, as was becoming my feminine situation, for here my determination to assert my masculine privileges was keeping a real man doing sentry duty up and down a moonlight road all night--and i wanted it. "after this, james hardin, you can consider yourself safe from any of my attentions or intentions," i laughed to myself, as i turned my face into the pillow, that was faintly scented from the lavender in which mother had always kept her linen. "i've been in glendale two hours, and one man is on the home base with his fingers crossed. james, you are free! oh, jane!" chapter iii a flint spark the greatest upheavals of nature are those that arrive suddenly, without notifying the world days beforehand of their intentions of splitting the crust of the universe wide open. one is coming to glendale by degrees, but the town hasn't found out about it yet. i'm the only one who sees it, and i'm afraid to tell. when old harpeth, who has been looking down on a nice, peaceful, man ordained, built, and protected world, woke glendale up the morning after my arrival and found me defiantly alone in the home of my fathers--also of each of my foremothers, by the courtesy of dower--he muttered and drew a veil of mist across his face. slight showers ensued, but he had to come out in less than an hour from pure curiosity. i found the old garden heavenly in its riot of neglected buds, shoots, and blooms, wet and welcoming with the soft odors of heaven itself. it was well i was out early to enjoy it, for that was to be the day of my temptation and sore trial. i am glad i have recorded it all, for i might have forgotten some day how wonderfully my very pliant, feminine attitude rubbed in my masculine intentions as to my life on the blind side of all the forces brought to bear on me to put me back into my predestined place in the scheme of the existence. "your cousin james's home is the place for you, evelina, and until he explained to me how you felt last night i was deeply hurt that you hadn't come straight, with sallie, to me and to him," said cousin martha, in as severe a voice as was possible for such a placid individual to produce. cousin martha is completely lovely, and the mossback gets his beauty from her. she is also such a perfect dear that her influence is something terrific, even if negatively expressed. "i have come to help you get your things together, so you can move over before dinner," she continued with gentle force. "now, what shall we put in the portmanteau first? i see you have unpacked very little, and i am glad that it confirms me in my feeling that your coming over here for the night was just a dutiful sentiment for your lost loved ones, and not any unmaidenly sense of independence in the matter of choice where it is best for you to live. of course, such a question as that must be left to your guardian, and of course james will put you under my care." "i--i really thought that perhaps cousin james did not have room for me, cousin martha," i answered meekly. "how many families has he with him now?" i asked with a still further meekness that was the depths of wiliness. "there are three of us widows, whom he sustains and comforts for the loss of our husbands, and also the three norton girls, cousins on his father's side of the house, you remember. it is impossible for them to look after their plantation since their father's death robbed them of a protector, at least, even though he had been paralyzed since gettysburg. james is a most wonderful man, my dear--a most wonderful man. though as he is my son i ought to think it in silence." "indeed he is," i answered from the heart. "but--but wouldn't it be a little crowded for him to have another--another vine--that is, exactly what would he do with me? i know widegables is wide, but that is a houseful, isn't it?" "well, all of us did feel that it made the house uncomfortably full when sallie came with the three children, but you know henry carruthers left james his executor and guardian of the children, and sallie of course couldn't live alone, so mrs. hargrove and i moved into the south room together, and gave sallie and the children my room. it is a large room, and it would be such a comfort to sallie to have you stay with her and help her at night with the children. she doesn't really feel able to get up with them at all. then dilsie could sleep in the cabin, as she ought to on account of the jimsonweed in her phthisic pipe. it would be such a beautiful influence in your lonely life, evelina, to have the children to care for." i wondered if cousin martha had ever heard that galatea bunch indulge in such heartfelt oaths as had followed that train down the track last night! "it would be lovely," i answered--and the reply was not all insincerity, as i thought of the darkness of that long night, and the bunch's offer of a place at her sturdy little back "next the wall." "but i will be so busy with my own work, cousin martha, that i am afraid i couldn't do justice to the situation and repay the children and sallie for crowding them." "why, you couldn't crowd us, evelina, honey," came in sallie's rich voice, as she sailed into the room, trailing the pup and the kit at her skirts and flying lavender ribbons at loose ends. "we've come to help you move over right away." "well, not while i have a voice in the affairs of my own husband's niece! how are you, evelina, and are you crazy, sallie carruthers?" came in a deep raven croak of a voice that sounded as if it had harked partly from the tomb, as aunt augusta shelby stood in the doorway, with reproof on her lips and sternness on her brow. "peter and i will have evelina move down immediately with us. james hardin has as much in the way of a family as he can very well stand up under now." and as she spoke, aunt augusta glared at sallie with such ferocity that even sallie's sunshiny presence was slightly dimmed. "are you ready, evelina? peter will send the surrey for your baggage," she continued, and for a moment i quailed, for aunt augusta's determination of mind is always formidable, but i summoned my woman's wit and man's courage, and answered quickly before she fairly snatched me from under my own roof-tree. "that would be lovely, aunt augusta, and how are you?" i answered and asked in the same breath, as i drew near enough to her to receive a business-like peck on my cheek. "i expect to have you and uncle peter to look after me a lot, but somehow i feel that father would have liked--liked for me to live here and keep my home--his home--open. some way will arrange itself. i haven't talked with cousin james yet," i felt white feathers sprouting all over me, as i thus invoked the masculine dominance i had come to lay. "you'll have to settle that matter with your uncle peter, then, for, following his dictates of which i did not approve, i have done our duty by the orphan. now, evelina, let me say in my own person, that i thoroughly approve of your doing just as you plan." and as she uttered this heresy, she looked so straight and militant and altogether commanding, that both cousin martha and sallie quailed. i felt elated, as if my soul were about to get sight of a kindred personality. or rather a soul-relative of yours, jane. "oh, she would be so lonely, mrs. shelby, and she--" sallie was venturing to say with trepidation, when aunt augusta cut her short without ceremony. "lonely, nonsense! such a busy woman as i now feel sure evelina is going to be, will not have time to be lonely. i wish i could stay and talk with you further about your plans, but i must hurry back and straighten out peter's mind on that question of the town water-supply that is to come up in the meeting of the city council to-day. he let it be presented all wrong last time, and they got things so muddled that it was voted on incorrectly. i will have to write it out for him so he can explain it to them. i will need you in many ways to help me help peter be mayor of glendale, evelina. i am wearied after ten years of the strain of his office. i shall call on you for assistance often in the most important matters," with which promise, that sounded like a threat, she proceeded to march down the front path, almost stepping on henrietta, who was coming up the same path, with almost the same emphasis. there was some sort of an explosion, and i hope the kind of words i heard hurled after the train were not used. "that old black crow is a-going to git in trouble with me some day, marfy," henrietta remarked, as she settled herself on the arm of cousin martha's chair, after bestowing a smudgy kiss on the little white curl that wrapped around one of the dear old lady's pink little ears. i had felt that way about cousin martha myself at the bunch's age, and we exchanged a sympathetic smile on the subject. "well, what _are_ you going to do, evelina?" asked sallie, and she turned such a young, helpless, wondering face up to me from the center of her cluster of babies, that my heart almost failed me at the idea of pouring what seemed to me at that moment the poison of modernity into the calm waters of her and cousin martha's primitive placidity. "you'll have to live some place where there is a man," she continued, with worried conviction. my time had come, and the fight was on. oh, jane! "i don't believe i really feel that way about it," i began in the gentlest of manners, and slowly, so as to feel my way. "you see, sallie dear, and dearest cousin martha, i have had to be out in the world so much--alone, that i am--used to it. i--i haven't had a man's protection for so long that i don't need it, as i would if i were like you two blessed sheltered women." "i know it has been hard, dear," said cousin martha gently looking her sympathy at my lorn state, over her glasses. "i don't see how you have stood it at all," said sallie, about to dissolve in tears. "the love and protection and sympathy of a man are the only things in life worth anything to a woman. since my loss i don't know what i would have done without cousin james. you must come into his kind care, evelina." "i must learn to endure loneliness," i answered sadly, about to begin to gulp from force of example, and the pressure of long hereditary influence. i'm glad that i did not dissolve, however, before what followed happened, for in the twinkling of two bare feet i was smothered in the embrace of henrietta, who in her rush brought either the pup or the kit, i can't tell which yet, along to help her enfold me. "i'll come stay with you forever, and we don't need no men! don't like 'em no-how!" she was exclaiming down my back, when a drawl from the doorway made us all turn in that direction. "why, henrietta, my own, can it be you who utter such cruel sentiments in my absence?" and polk hayes lounged into the room, with the same daring listlessness that he had used in trying to hold me in his arms out on the porch the night i had said good-by to him and glendale, four years ago. henrietta's chubby little body gave a wriggle of delight, and much sentiment beamed in her rugged, small face, as she answered him with enthusiasm, though not stopping to couch her reply in exactly complimentary terms. "you don't count, pokie," she exclaimed, as she made a good-natured face at him. "that's what evelina said four years ago--and she has proved it," he answered her, looking at me just exactly as if he had never left off doing it since that last dance. "how lovely to find you in the same exuberant spirits in which i left you, polk, dear," i exclaimed, as i got up to go and shake hands with him, as he had sunk into the most comfortable chair in the room, without troubling to bestow that attention upon me. some men's hearts beat with such a strong rhythm that every feminine heart which comes within hearing distance immediately catches step, and goes to waltzing. it has been four years since mine swung around against his, at that dance, but i'm glad cousin martha was there, and interrupted, us enough to make me drag my eyes from his, as he looked up and i looked down. "please help us to persuade evelina to come and live with james and me, polk, dear," she said, glancing at him with the deepest confidence and affection in her eyes. there is no age-limit to polk's victims, and cousin martha had always adored him. "all women do, evelina, why not you--live with james?" he asked, and i thought i detected a mocking flicker in his big, hazel, dangerous eyes. "if i ever need protection it will be james--and cousin martha i will run to for it--but i never will," i answered him, very simply, with not a trace of the defiance i was fairly flinging at him in either my voice or manner. paris and london and new york are nice safe places to live in, in comparison with glendale, tennessee, in some respects. i wonder why i hadn't been more scared than i was last night, as the train whirled me down into proximity to polk hayes. but then i had had four years of forgetting him stored up as a bulwark. "but what _are_ you going to do, evelina?" sallie again began to question, with positive alarm in her voice, and i saw that it was time for me to produce some sort of a protector then and there--or capitulate. and i record the fact that i wanted to go home with sallie and cousin martha and the babies and--and live under the roof of the mossback forever. all that citizenship-feeling i had got poured into me from jane and had tried on dickie, good old dickie, had spilled out of me at the first encounter with polk. there is a great big hunt going on in this world, and women are the ones only a short lap ahead. can we turn and make good the fight--or won't we be torn to death? it has come to this it seems: women must either be weak, and cling so close to man that she can't be struck, keep entirely out of the range of his fists and arms,--or develop biceps equal to his. jane ought to have had me in training longer, for i'm discovering that i'm weak--of biceps. "are you coming--are you coming to live with us, evelina? are you coming? answer!" questioned the small henrietta, as she stood commandingly in front of me. "please, evelina," came in a coax from sallie, while the kit crawled over and caught at my skirt as cousin martha raised her eyes to mine, with a gentle echo of the combined wooings. then suddenly into polk's eyes flamed still another demand, that something told me i would have to answer later. i had capitulated and closed this book forever when the deliverance came. jasper, a little older, but as black and pompous as ever, stood in the doorway, and a portly figure, with yellow, shining face, on the step behind him. "why, uncle jasper, how did you know i was here?" i exclaimed, as i fairly ran to hold out my hand to him. "mas' james sont me word last night, and i woulder been here by daybreak, missie, 'cept i had to hunt dis yere suitable woman to bring along with me. make your 'beesence to miss evelina, lucy petunia," he commanded. "you needn't to bother to show her anything, child," he continued calmly, "i'll learn her all she needs to know to suit us. then, if in a week she have shown suitable ability to please us both, my word is out to marry her next sunday night. ain't that the understanding, tuny?" he this time demanded. "yes, sir," answered the petunia with radiant but modest hope shining from her comely yellow face. "i've kept everything ready for you child, since old mas' died, and i ain't never stayed offen the place a week at a time--i was just visiting out petunia's way when i heard you'd come, and gittin' a wife to tend to us and back to you quick was the only thing that concerned me. now, we can all settle down comf'table, while i has tuny knock up some dinner, a company one i hopes, if miss martha and the rest will stay with us." jasper's manner is an exact copy of my father's courtly grace, done in sepia, and my eyes misted for a second, as i reciprocated his invitation, taking acceptance for granted. "of course they will stay, uncle jasper." "well," remarked sallie with a gasp, "you've gone to housekeeping in two minutes, evelina." "jasper has always been a very forceful personality," said cousin martha. "he managed everything for your father at the last, evelina, and i don't know how the whole town would have been easy about the colonel unless they had trusted jasper." "i like the terms on which he takes unto himself a wife," drawled polk, as he lighted a cigarette without looking at me. "good for jasper!" "however, it does take a 'forceful personality' to capture a 'suitable woman' in that manner," i answered with just as much unconcern, and then we both roared, while even sallie in all her anxiety joined in. the commanding, black old man, and the happy-faced, plump, little yellow woman, had saved one situation--and forced another, perhaps? jasper's home-coming dinner party was a large and successful one. two of the dear little old horton lady-cousins got so impatient at cousin martha's not bringing me back to widegables that they came teetering over to see about it, heavily accompanied by mrs. hargrove, whose son had been cousin james's best friend at the university of virginia, and died and left her to him since i had been at college. the ponderosity of her mind was only equaled by that of her body. i must say petunia made a hit with the dear old soul, by the seasoning of her chicken gravy. sallie wanted to send the children home, but jasper wouldn't let her, and altogether we had eleven at the table. polk maneuvered for a seat at the head of my festive board, with a spark of the devil in his eyes, but jasper's sense of the proprieties did not fail me, and he seated cousin martha in father's chair, with great ceremony. and as i looked down the long table, bright with all the old silver jasper had had time to polish, gay with roses from my garden, that he had coaxed henrietta into gathering for him, which nodded back and forth with the bubbling babies, suddenly my heart filled to the very brim with love of it all--and for mine own people. but, just as suddenly, a vision came into my mind of the long table across the road at widegables, with the mossback seated at one end with only two or three of his charges stretched along the empty sides to keep him company. i wanted him to be here with us! i wanted him badly, and i went to get him. i excused myself suddenly, telling them all just why. i didn't look at polk, but cousin martha's face was lovely, as she told me to run quickly. i found him on the front porch, smoking his pipe alone, while the two little relics, whom he had had left to dine with him, were taking their two respective naps. our dinner was late on account of the initiation of petunia, and he had finished before we began. "i stole most of your family to-day," i plunged headlong into my errand, "but i want you, too, most of all." "you've got me, even if you do prefer to keep me across the road from you," he answered, with the most solemn expression on his face, but with a crinkle of a smile in the corners of his deep eyes. i can't remember when i didn't look with eagerness for that crinkle in his eyes, even when i was a child and he what i at that time considered a most glorious grownup individual, though he must have been the most helpless hobbledehoy that ever existed. "you don't need another vine," i answered mutinously. "you know i want you, but jasper's is the privilege of looking after you," he answered calmly. "i want you to be happy, evelina," and i knew as i raised my eyes to his that i could consider myself settled in my own home. "well, then, come and have dinner number two with me," i answered with a laugh that covered a little happy sigh that rose from my heart at the look in the kind eyes bent on mine. i felt, jane, you would have approved of that look! it was so human to human. he came over with me, and that was one jolly party in the old dining-room. they all stayed until almost sunset, and almost everybody in town dropped in during the afternoon to welcome me home, and ask me where i was going to live. jasper and petunia hovering in the background, the tea-tray out on the porch set with the silver and damask all of them knew of old, and the appearance of having been installed with the full approval of cousin martha and james and the rest of the family, stopped the questions on their lips, and they spent the afternoon much enlivened but slightly puzzled. time doesn't do much to people in a place like the harpeth valley, that is out of the stream of modern progress; and most of my friends seem to have just been sitting still, rocking their lives along in the greatest ease and comfort. still, mamie hall has three more kiddies, which, added to the four she had when i left, makes a slightly high, if charming, set of stair-steps. mamie also looks decidedly worn, though pathetically sweet. ned was with her, and as fresh as any one of the buds. maternity often wilts women, but paternity is apt to make men bloom with the importance of it. ned showed off the bunch as if he had produced them all, while mamie only smiled like an angel in the background. a slight bit of temper rose in a flush to my cheeks, as i watched caroline lellyett sit on the steps and feed cake to one twin and two stair-steps with as much hunger in her eyes for them as there was in theirs for the cake. lee greenfield is the responsible party in this case, and she has been loving him hopelessly for fifteen years. lots of other folks wanted to marry her, but lee has pinned her in the psychic spot and is watching her flutter. polk departed in the trail of nell kirkland's fluffy muslin skirts, smoldering dangerously, i felt. nell has grown up into a most lovely individual, and i felt uneasy about her under folk's ministrations. her eyes follow him rather persistently. on the whole, i am glad jane committed me to this woman's cause. i'll have to begin to exercise the biceps of nell's heart--as soon as i get some strength into my own. and after they had all gone, i sat for an hour out on the front steps of my big, empty old house, and enjoyed my own loneliness, if it could be called enjoying. i could hear the petunia's happy giggle, answering jasper's guttural pleasantries, out on the cabin porch behind the row of lilac bushes. i do hope that petunia gets much and the right sort of courting during this week that jasper has allowed her! with the last rays of the sun, i had found time to read a long, dear letter from richard hall, and though i had transferred it from my pocket to my desk, while i dressed for the afternoon, its crackle was still in my mind. i wondered what it all meant, this dissatisfied longing that human beings send out across time and distance, one to and for another. if a woman's heart were really like a great big golden chalice, full to the brim with the kind of love she is taught god wants her to have in it for all mankind, both men and women, why shouldn't she offer drafts of it to every one who is thirsty, brothers as well as sisters? i wonder how that would solve jane's problem of emotional equality! i do love dicky--and--and i do love polk--with an inclination to dodge. now, if there were enough of the right sort of love in me, i ought to be able to get them to see it, and drink it for their comforting, and have no trouble at all with them about their wanting to seize the cup, drain all the love there is in it, shut it away from the rest of the world--and then neglect it. yes, why can't i love polk as i love you, jane, and have him enjoy it? yes, why? i think if i had dicky off to myself for a long time, and very gently led him up to the question of loving him hard in this new way, he might be induced to sip out of the cup just to see if he liked it--and it might be just what he craved, for the time being; but i doubt it. he would storm and bluster at the idea. of course the crag would let a woman love him in any old kind of new or experimental way she wanted to, if it made her happy. he would take her cup of tenderness and drink it as if it were sacramental wine, on his knees. but he doesn't count. he has to be man to so many people that there is danger of his becoming a kind of superman. think of the old mossback being a progressive thing like that! i laughed out loud at the idea--but the echo was dismal. i wonder if sallie will marry him. and as i sat and thought and puzzled, the moonlight got richer and more glowing, and it wooed open the throats of the thousand little honeysuckle blossoms, clinging to the vine on the trellis, until they poured out a perfect symphony of perfume to mingle in a hallelujah from the lilacs and roses that ascended to the very stars themselves. i had dropped my head on my arms, and let my eyes go roaming out to the dim hills that banked against the radiant sky, when somebody seated himself beside me, and a whiff of tobacco blew across my face, sweet with having joined in the honeysuckle chorus. nobody said a word for a long time, and then i looked up and laughed into the deep, gray eyes looking tenderly down into mine. with a thrill i realized that there was one man in the world i could offer the chalice to and _trust_ him to drink--moderately. "jamie," i said in a voice as young as it used to be when i trailed at his heels, "thank you for letting me be contrary and independent and puzzling. i have been busy adventuring with life, in queer places and with people not like--like us. now i want a little of real living and to think--and feel. may i?" "you may, dear," the crag answered in a big comfortable voice, that was a benediction in itself. "i understood last night when you told me that you wanted to come home alone. i can trust jasper with you, and i am going to sleep down at the lodge room, right across the road here, so i can hear you if you even think out loud. no one shall worry you about it any more. now will you promise to be happy?" i could not answer him, i was so full of a deepness of peace. i just laid my cheek against the sleeve of his queer old gray coat, to show him what i could not say. he let me do it, and went on smoking without noticing me. then, after a little while, he began to tell me all about father and his death, that had come so suddenly while he seemed as well as ever, and how he had worried about my probably not wanting to be left to him, and that he wanted me to feel independent, but to please let him do all that i would to help me, and not to feel that i was alone with nobody to love me. that he was always there, and would be forever and ever. and he did stay so late that jasper had to send him home! there is such a thing as a man's being a father and mother and grown sister and brother and a college-chum and a preacher of the gospel and a family physician to a woman--with no possibility of being her husband either. she wouldn't so drag such a man from his high estate as to think of such a worldly relation in connection with him. i have certainly collected some phenomena in the reaction of a woman's heart this day. did you choose me wisely for these experiments, jane? it takes a woman of nerve to go to housekeeping in a tinder-box, when she isn't sure she even knows what flint is when she sees it, and might strike out a spark without intending it at all. chapter iv sweeter when tamed? i wonder if men ever melt suddenly into little boys, and try to squirm and run back to hide their heads in their mothers' skirts. it is an open secret that starchy, modern women often long to wilt back into droopy musk roses, that climb over gates and things, but they don't let each other. when i feel myself getting soluble, i write it out to jane and i get a bracing cold wave of a letter in reply. the one this morning was on the subject of love, or, at least, that is what jane would have said it was on. she wrote: yes, it is gratifying to know that mary elizabeth is so happily engaged to the young teacher who has been in her work with her. she writes that she was encouraged by our resolution, at last to be her best self while in his presence as she had not had the courage to do last year. you see, evelina? and also, you are right in your conclusion that there is not enough abstract love in this world of brotherhood and sisterhood; that the doctrine of divine love calls us to give more and more of it. we cannot give too much! but also, considerations for the advancement of the world call for experiments by the more illumined women along more definite and concrete lines. how old is this mr. hayes, on whom you have chosen to note the reactions of sisterly affection? are you sure that he is not a fit subject for your consideration in the matter of a choice for a mate? remember to be as frank in your expressions of regard for him as he is in his of regard for you. that is the crux of the whole matter. be frank, be courageous! let a man look freely into your heart, and thus encouraged he will open his to you. then you will both have an opportunity to judge each other with reference to a life-long union. it is the only way; and remember what rests on you in this matter. the destinies of many women are involved. * * * * * i don't say this in a spirit of levity, but i do wish polk hayes and jane mathers were out on the front steps in the moonlight, after a good supper that has made him comfortable, jane to be attired in something soft that would float against his arm, whether she wanted it to or not! i believe it would be good for jane, and make things easier for me. be frank with polk as to how much he asphyxiates me? i know better than to blow out the gas like that! no, jane! but what is a woman going to do when she is young and hearty and husky, with the blood running through her veins at a two-forty rate, when her orchard is in bloom, the mocking-birds are singing the night through, and she is not really in love with anybody? the loneliness does fill her heart full of the solution of love, and she has got to pour off some of it into somebody's life. there is plenty of me to be both abstract and concrete, at the same time, and i thought of uncle peter. uncle peter is the most explosive and crusty person that ever happened in glendale, and it takes all of aunt augusta's energy, common-sense and force of character to keep him and the two chips he carries on his shoulders, as a defiance to the world in general, from being in a constant state of combustion. he has been ostensibly the mayor of glendale for twenty-five years, and aunt augusta has done the work of the office very well indeed, while he has blown up things in general with great energy. he couldn't draw a long breath without her, but of course he doesn't realize it. he thinks he is in a constant feud with her and her sex. his ideas on the woman question are so terrific that i have always run from them, but i concluded that it would be a good thing for me to liquefy some of my vague humanitarianism, and help aunt augusta with him, while she wrestles with the city council on the water question. anyway, i have always had a guarded fondness for the old chap. i chose a time when i knew aunt augusta had to be busy with his report of the disastrous concrete paving trade the whole town had been sold out on, and i lay in wait to capture him and the chips. this morning i waited behind the old purple lilac at the gate, which immediately got into the game by sweeping its purple-plumed arms all around me, so that not a tag of my dimity alarmed him as he came slowly down the street. "uncle peter," i said, as i stepped out in front of him suddenly, "please, uncle peter, won't you come in and talk to me?" "hey? evelina?" "yes, uncle peter, it's evelina," and i hesitated with terror at the snap in his dear old eyes, back under their white brows. then i let my eyes uncover my heart full of the elixir i had prepared for him, and offered him as much as he could drink. "i'm lonely," i said, with a little catch in my voice. "lonely--hey?" he grumbled, but his feet hesitated opposite my gate. in about two and a half minutes i had him seated in a cushioned rocker on the south side of the porch. jasper had given us both a mint julep, and uncle peter was much jess thirsty than he had been for a long time. aunt augusta is as temperate in all things as a steel ramrod. "you see, uncle peter, i needed you so that i just had to kidnap you," i said to him, as he wiped his lips with a pocket-handkerchief, as stiffly starched as was his wife herself. "why didn't you go over and live in james's hennery--live with james--hey?" he snapped, with the precision of a pistol cap. to be just, i suppose aunt augusta's adamant disposition accounts, to some extent, for uncle peter's explosive way of thinking and speaking. a husband would have to knock aunt augusta's nature down to make any impression whatever on it. uncle peter always has the air of firing an idea and then ducking his head to avoid the return shot. "his house is so full, and i need a lot of space to carry on my work," i answered him, with the words i have used so often in the last two weeks that they start to come when the petunia asks me if i want waffles or batter-cakes for supper. "well, sallie carruthers will get him, and then there'll be a dozen more to run the measure over--children--hey? all girls! a woman like sallie would not be content with producing less than a dozen of her kind--hey?" his chuckle was so contagious that i couldn't help but join him, though i didn't like it so very much. but why shouldn't i? sallie is such a gorgeous woman that a dozen of her in the next generation will be of value to the state. still, i didn't like it. i didn't enjoy thinking of cousin james as so serving his country. "carruthers left her to james--he'll have to take care of her. henry turned toes in good time. piled rotten old business and big family on to james's shoulders, and then died--good time--hey? get a woman on your hands, only thing to do is to marry or kill her. poor james--hey?" he peered at me with a twinkle in his eyes that demanded assent from me. "why, uncle peter, i don't know that sallie has any such idea. she grieves dreadfully over mr. carruthers, and i don't believe she would think of marrying again," i answered, trying to put enough warmth in my defense to convince myself. "most women are nothing but gourd-vines, grow all over a corn-stalk, kill it, produce gourds until it frosts, and begin all over again in the next generation. james has to do the hoeing around sallie's roots, and feed her. might as well marry her--hey?" "does--does cousin james have to support sallie and the children, uncle peter?" i asked, coming with reluctance down to the rock-bed of the discussion. "thinks he does, and it serves him right--serves him right for starting out to run a widow-ranch in the first place; it's like making a collection of old shoes. he let henry carruthers persuade him to mortgage everything and buy land on the river for the car-shops of the new railroad, which just fooled the town out of a hundred thousand dollars, and is going by on the other side of the river with the shops up at bolivar. if james didn't get all the lawing in alton county they would all starve to death--which would be hard on the constitution of old lady hargrove, and her two hundred-weight." "oh, has cousin james really lost all of his fortune?" i asked, and i was surprised at the amount of sympathetic dismay that rose in me at the information. "everything but what he carries around under that old gray hat of his--not so bad a fortune, at that!--hey?" i feel i am going to love uncle peter for the way he disdainfully admires cousin james. "and--and all of his--his guests are really dependent on him?" i asked again, as the stupendous fact filtered into my mind. "all the flock, all the flock," answered uncle peter, with what seemed, under the circumstances, a heartless chuckle. "they each one have little dabs of property, about as big as a handful of chicken feed, and as they have each one given it all to james to manage, they expect an income in return--and get it--all they ask for. a lot of useless old live stock--all but sallie, and she's worse--worse, hey?" i agreed with his question--but i didn't say so. "glad your money is safe in public town bonds and city securities, evelina. if james could, he might lose it, and you'd have to move over. it would then be nip and tuck between you and sallie which got james--nip and tuck--hey?" "oh, uncle peter!" i exclaimed with positive horror that was flavored with a large dash of indignation. "well, yes, a race between a widow and a girl for a man is about like one between a young duck and a spring chicken, across a mill-pond--girl and chicken lose--hey? but let sallie have him, since you don't need him. i've got to go home and listen to augusta talk about my business, that she knows nothing in the world about, or i won't be ready for town meeting this afternoon. women are all fools,--hey?" "will you come again, uncle peter?" i asked eagerly. i had set out to offer uncle peter a cup of niecely affection, and i had got a good, stiff bracer to arouse me in return. "i will, whenever i can escape augusta," he answered, and there was such a kindly crackle in his voice that i felt that he had wanted and needed what i had offered him. "i'll drop in often and analyze the annals of the town with you. glad to have you home, child, good young blood to stir me up--hey?" and as i sat and watched the mayor go saunteringly down the street, with his crustiness carried like a child on his shoulder, which it delighted him to have knocked off, so that he could philosophize in the restoring of it to its position, suddenly a realization of the relation of glendale to the world in general was forced upon me--and i quailed. glendale is like a dozen other small towns in the harpeth valley; they are all drowsy princesses who have just waked up enough to be wondering what did it. the tentative kiss has not yet disclosed the presence of the prince of revolution, and they are likely to doze for another century or two. i think i had better go back into the wide world and let them sleep on. one live member is likely to irritate the repose of the whole body. their faint stirrings of progress are pathetic. they have an electric plant, but, as i have noted before, the lights therefrom show a strong trace of their pine-knot heredity, and go out on all important occasions, whether of festivity or tragedy. kerosene lamps have to be kept filled and cleaned if a baby or a revival or a lawn festival is expected. they have a lovely, wide concrete pavement in front of six of the stores around the public square, but no two stretches of the improvement join each other, and it makes a shopping progression around the town somewhat dangerous, on account of the sudden change of grade of the sidewalk, about every sixty feet. aunt augusta wanted uncle peter to introduce a bill in the city council forcing all of the property owners on the square to put down the pavement in front of their houses, at small payments per annum, the town assuming the contract at six per cent. uncle peter refused, because he said that he felt a smooth walk around the square would call out what he called "a dimity parade" every afternoon. they have a water system that is supplied by so much mud from the river that it often happens that the town has to go unwashed for a week, while the pipes are cleaned out. there is a wonderful spring that could be used, with a pump to supply the town, aunt augusta says. the city council tied up the town for a hundred thousand dollars' subscription to the new railroad, and failed to tie the shops down in the contract. they are to be built in bolivar. a great many of the rich men have lost a lot of money thereby, cousin james the most of all, and everybody is sitting up in bed blinking. there are still worse things happening in the emotional realm of glendale. lee greenfield has been in the state of going to ask caroline lellyett to marry him for fifteen years, and has never done it. caroline has been beautiful all her life, but she is getting so thin and faded at thirty that she is a tragedy. lee goes to see her twice a week, and on sunday afternoon takes her out in his new and rakish runabout, that is as modern as his behavior is obsolete. caroline knows no better, and stands it with sublime patience and lack of character. that is a situation i won't be able to keep my hands off of much longer. ned hall's wife has seven children with the oldest one not twelve, and she looks fifty. ned goes to all the dances at the glendale hotel dining-room and looks thirty. he dresses beautifully and nell and all the girls like to dance with him. just ordinary torture wouldn't do for him. polk hayes wouldn't be allowed to run loose in london society. sallie carruthers is a great big husky woman, with three children that she is responsible for having had. she and her family must consume tons of green groceries every month and a perfectly innocent man pays for them. mrs. dodd, the carpenter-and-contractor's wife is a boston woman who came down here--before i could write all about that boston girl so that jane could understand perfectly the situation polk came around from the side street and seated himself on the railing of the porch so near the arm of my chair that i couldn't rock without inconveniencing him. i am glad he found me in the mood i was in and i am glad to record the strong-minded--it came near being the strong-armed--contest in which we indulged. "me for a woman that has a lot of spirit--she is so much sweeter when tamed, evelina," was one of the gentle remarks with which he precipitated the riot. "i think it has been spunkily fascinating of you to come and live by yourself in this old barn. it keeps me awake nights just to think of you over here--alone. how long is the torture to go on?" jane, i tried, but if i had frankly and courageously shown polk hayes what was in my heart for him at that moment, i couldn't have answered for the results. from the time i was eighteen until i was twenty the same sort of assault and battery had been handed out to me from him. he had beaten me with his love. he didn't want me--he doesn't want any woman except so long as he is uncertain that he can get her. just because i had been firm with him when even a child and denied him, he has been merciless. and now that i am a woman and armed for the combat, it will be to the death. shall i double and take refuge in a labyrinth of subterfuge or turn and fight? so i temporized to-day. "it is lonely--but not quite 'torture' to me, with the family so close, across the street," i answered him, and i went on whipping the lace on a piece of fluff i am making, to discipline myself because i loathe a needle so. "please don't you worry over me, dear." i raised my eyes to his and i tried the common citizenship look. it must have carried a little way for he flushed, the first time i ever saw him do it, and his hand with the cigarette in it shook. "evelina, are you real or a--farce?" he asked, after a few minutes of peace. "i'm trying to be real, polk," i answered, and this time i raised my eyes with perfect frankness. "if you could define a real woman, polk, in what terms would you express her?" i asked him straight out from the shoulder. "hell fire and a hallelujah chorus, if she's beautiful," he answered me promptly. i laughed. i thought it was best under the circumstances. "i'll tell you, evelina," he continued, stealthily. "a man just can't generalize the creatures. apparently they are craving nothing so much as emotional excitement and when you offer it to them they want to go to housekeeping with it. love is a business with them and not an art." "would you like to try a genuine friendship with one. polk?" i asked, and again struck from the shoulder--with my eyes. "help! not if you mean yourself, beautiful," he answered promptly and with fervor. "i wouldn't trust myself with you one minute off-guard like that." "you could safely." "but i won't!" "will you try?" "no!" "will you go over and sit in that chair while i tell you something calmly, quietly, and seriously? it'll give you a new sensation and maybe it will be good for you." i looked him straight in the face and the battle of our eyes was something terrific. i had made up my mind to have it out with him then and there. there was nothing else to do. i would be frank and courageous and true to my vow--and accept the consequences. he slid along the railing of the porch and down into the chair in almost a daze of bewilderment. "polk," i began, concealing a gulp of terror, "i love you more than i can possibly--" [illustration: "say, polk, i let the pup git hung by her apron to the wheel of your car."] "say, polk, i let the pup git hung by her apron to the wheel of your car out in the road and her head is dangersome kinder upside down. it might run away. can you come and git her loose for me?" henrietta's calmness under dire circumstances was a lesson to both polk and me, for with two gasps that sounded as one we both raced across the porch, down the path and out to the road where folk's hupp runabout stood by the worn old stone post that had tethered the horses of the wooers of many generations of the maids of my house. but, prompt as our response to henrietta's demand for rescue had been, cousin james was there before us. he stood in the middle of the dusty road with the tousled mite in his arms, soothing her frightened sobs against his cheek with the dearest tenderness and patting sallie on the back with the same comforting. "oh, henrietta, how could you nearly kill your little sister like this?" sallie sobbed. "please say something positive to her, james!" "henrietta," began cousin james with a suspicion of embarrassment at polk's and my presence at the domestic scene. polk choked a chuckle and i could have murdered him. "wait a minute," said henrietta, in her most commanding voice. "sallie, didn't you ask me to take that pup from aunt dilsie, 'cause of the phthisic, and keep her quiet while the kit got a nap, and didn't i ask you if it would be all right if i got her back whole and clean?" "yes, henrietta, but you--" "ain't she whole all over and clean?" "yes, but--" "couldn't nobody do any better than that with one of them twins. i won't try. if i have to 'muse her it has to be in my own way." and with her head in the air the bunch marched up the walk to the house. at this polk shouted and the rest of us laughed. "polk, please don't encourage henrietta in the way she treats me and her little sisters," sallie begged between her laughs and her half-swallowed sobs. "i need my friends' help with my children, not to have them make it hard for me. henrietta is devoted to you and you could influence her so for the best. please try to help me make a real woman out of her and not some sort of a terrible--terrible suffragette." sallie is the most perfectly lovely woman i almost ever saw. she has great violet eyes with black lashes that beg you for a piece of your heart, and her mouth is as sweet as a blush rose with cheeks that almost match it in rosiness. she and the babies always remind me of a cluster rose and roses, flower and buds, and i don't see why every man that sees her is not mad about her. they all used to be before she married, and i suppose they will be again as soon as the crepe gets entirely worn off her clothes. as she stood with the bubbly baby in her arms and looked up at polk i couldn't see how he could take it calmly. "sallie," he answered seriously, with a glint in his eyes over at me, "if you'll give me a few days longer, i will then have found out by experience what a real woman is and i'll begin on henrietta for you accordingly." "don't be too hard on the kiddie," cousin james answered him with the crinkle in the corner of his eyes that might have been called shrewd in eyes less beautifully calm. "let's trust a lot to henrietta's powers of observation of her mother and--her neighbors." he smiled suddenly, with his whole face, over both sallie and me, and went on down the street in a way that made me sure he was forgetting all about all of us before he reached the corner of the street. "isn't that old mossback a treat for the sight of gods and men?" asked polk with a laugh as we all stood watching the old gray coat-tails flapping in the warm breeze that was rollicking across the valley. "i don't know what i would do without him," said sadie softly, with tears suddenly misting the violets in her eyes as she turned away from us with the baby in her arms and went slowly up the front walk of widegables. "please come stay with me a little while, evelina," she pleaded back over her shoulder. "i feel faint." i hesitated, for, as we were on my side of the road, polk was still my guest. "go on with sallie, sweetie," he answered my hesitating. "i don't want the snapped-off fraction of a declaration like you were about to offer me. i can bide my time--and get my own." with which he turned and got into his car as i went across the street. jane, i feel encouraged. i have done well to-day to get half way through my declaration of independence--though he doesn't think that is what it is going to be--to polk. if i can just tell him how much i love him, before he makes love to me we can get on such a sensible footing with each other. i'll command the situation then. but suppose i do get polk calmed down to a nice friendship after old plato's recipe, what if i want to marry him? do i want to marry a friend? yes, i do! no--no! chapter v deeper than shoulders and ribs there are many fundamental differences between men and women which strike deeper than breadth of shoulders and number of ribs on the right side. men deliberately unearth matters of importance and women stumble on the same things in the dark. it is then a question of the individual as to the complications that result. one thing can be always counted on. a woman likes to tangle life into a large mass and then straighten out the threads at her leisure--and the man's leisure too. glendale affairs interest me more every day. this has been a remarkable afternoon and i wish jane had been in glendale to witness it. "say, evelina, all the folks over at our house have gone crazy, and i wish you would come over and help cousin james with 'em," henrietta demanded, as i sat on my side porch, calmly hemming a ruffle on a dress for the kitten. everybody sews for the twins and, as much as i hate it, i can't help doing it. "why, henrietta, what is the matter?" i demanded, as i hurried down the front walk and across the road at her bare little heels. by the time i got to the front gate i could hear sounds of lamentation. "a railroad train wants to run right through the middle of all their dead people and sallie started the crying. dead's dead, and if cousin james wants 'em run over. i wants 'em run over too." she answered over her shoulder as we hurried through the wide front hall. and a scene that beggars description met my eyes, as i stood in the living-room door. i hope this account i am going to try and write will get petrified by some kind of new element they will suddenly discover some day and the manuscript be dug up from the ruins of glendale to interest the natives of the argon age about 2800 a. d. sallie sat in the large armchair in the middle of the room weeping in the slow, regular way a woman has of starting out with tears, when she means to let them flow for hours, maybe days, and there were just five echoes to her grief, all done in different keys and characters. cousin martha knelt beside the chair and held sallie's head on her ample bosom, but i must say that the expression on her face was one of bewilderment, as well as of grief. the three little horton cousins sat close together in the middle of the old hair-cloth sofa by the window and were weeping as modestly and helplessly as they did everything else in life, while mrs. hargrove, in her chair under her son's portrait, was just plainly out and out howling. and on the hearth-rug, before the tiny fire of oak chips that the old ladies liked to keep burning all summer, stood the master of the house and, for once in my life, i have seen the personification of masculine helplessness. he was a tragedy and i flew straight to him with arms wide open, which clasped both his shoulders as i gave him a good shake to arouse him from his paralyzation. "what's the matter?" i demanded, with the second shake. "i'm a brute, evelina," he answered, and a sudden discouragement lined every feature of his beautiful biblical face. i couldn't stand that and i hugged him tight to my breast for an instant and then administered another earthquake shake. "tell me exactly what has happened," i demanded, looking straight into his tragic eyes and letting my hands slip from his shoulders down his arms until they held both of his hands tight and warm in mine. jane, i was glad that i had offered the cup of my eyes to him full of this curious inter-sex elixir of life that you have induced me to seek so blindly, for he responded to the dose immediately and the color came back into his face as he answered me just as sensibly as he would another man. "the men who are surveying the new railroad from cincinnati to the gulf have laid their experimental lines across the corner of greenwood cemetery and they say it will have to run that way or go across the river and parallel the lines of the other road. if they come on this side of the river they will force the other road to come across, too, and in that case we will get the shops. it just happens that such a line will make necessary the removal of--of poor henry's remains to another lot. sallie's is the only lot in the cemetery that is that high on the bluff. henry didn't like the situation when he bought it himself, and i thought that, as there is another lot right next to her mother's for sale, she would not--but, of course, i was brutal to mention it to her. i hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me, sallie." and as he spoke he extracted himself from me and walked over and laid his hand on sallie's head. "it was such a shock to her--poor henry," sobbed little cousin jasmine, and the other two little sisters sniffed in chorus. "to have railroad trains running by greenwood at all will be disturbing to the peace of the dead," snorted mrs. hargrove. "we need no railroad in glendale. we have never had one, and that is my last word--no!" "four miles to the railroad station across the river is just a pleasant drive in good weather," said cousin martha, plaintively, as she cuddled sallie's sobs more comfortably down on her shoulder. "i feel that henry would doubt my faithfulness to his memory, if i consented to such a desecration," came in smothered tones from the pillowing shoulder. and not one of all those six women had stopped to think for one minute that the minor fact of the disturbing of the ashes of henry carruthers would be followed by the major one of the restoration of the widow's fortune and the lifting of a huge financial burden off the strong shoulders they were all separately and collectively leaning upon. i exploded, but i am glad i drew the crag out on the porch and did it to him alone. "evelina, you are refreshing if strenuous," he laughed, after i had spent five minutes in stating my opinions of women in general and a few in particular. "but i ought not to have hurt sallie by telling her about the lines until they are a certainty. it is so far only a possibility. they may go across the river anyway." "and as for seeing sallie swaddled in your consideration, and fed yourself as a sacrifice from a spoon, i am tired of it," i flamed up again. "it's not good for her. feed and clothe her and her progeny,--men in general have brought just such burdens as that upon you in particular by their attitude towards us,--but do let her begin to exert just a small area of her brain on the subject of the survival of the fit to live. you don't swaddle or feed me!" "eve," he said, softly under his breath as his wonderful gentle eyes sank down way below the indignation and explosiveness to the quiet pool that lies at the very bottom of my heart. nobody ever found it before and i didn't know it was there myself, but i felt as if it were being drained up into heaven. "eve!" he said again, and it is a wonder that i didn't answer: "adam!" i don't know just what would have happened if uncle peter hadn't broken in on the interview with his crustiest chips on both shoulders and so much excitement bottled up that he had to let it fly like a double reporter. "dodson is down at the hotel looking for you, james," he began as he hurried up the steps. "big scheme this--got him in a corner if the c. & g. comes along this side of old harpeth--make him squeal--hey?" "who's dodson?" i asked with the greatest excitement. i was for the first time getting a whiff of the schemes of the masculine mighty, but i was squelched promptly by uncle peter. "we've no time for questions, evelina, now--go back to your tatting--hey?" he answered me as he began to buttonhole the crag and lead him down the steps. "dodson is the man who is laying down and contracting for the line across the river, evelina," answered cousin james without taking any notice whatever of uncle peter's squelching of me. "if this other line can just be secured he will have to come to our terms--and the situation will be saved." as he spoke he took my hand in his and led me at his side, down the front walk to the gate, talking as he went, for uncle peter was chuckling on ahead like a steam tug in a hurry. "and the shades of henry will again assume the maintenance of his family," i hazarded with lack of respect of the dead, impudence to cousin james about his own affairs, and unkindness by implication to sallie, who loves me better than almost anybody in the world does. and i got my just punishment by seeing a lovely look of tender concern rise in cousin james's eyes as he stopped short in the middle of the walk. "i want to go back a minute to speak to sallie before i go on down town," he said, quickly, and before uncle peter's remonstrances had exploded, he had taken the steps two at a bound and disappeared in the front door. "sooner he marries that lazy lollypop the better," fumed uncle peter, as he waited at the gate. "the way for a man to quench his thirst for woman-sweets is to marry a pot of honey like that, and then come right on back to the bread and butter game. here's a letter jasper gave me to bring along for you from town. go on and read it and do not disturb the workings of my brain while i wait for james--workings of a great brain--hey?" i took the letter and hurried across the street because i wanted anyway to get to some place by myself and think. there was no earthly reason for it but i felt like an animal that has been hurt and wants to go off and lick its wounds. a womanly woman that lives a lovely appealing life right in a man's own home has a perfect right to gain his love, especially if she is beautifully unconscious of her appeal. besides, why should a man want to take an independent, explosive, impudent firebrand with all sorts of dreadful plots in her mind to his heart? he wouldn't and doesn't! there is no better sedative for a woman's disturbed and wounded emotions than a little stiff brain work. richard's letter braced my viny drooping of mind at once and from thinking into the crag's affairs of sentiment, i turned with masculine vigor to begin to mix into his affairs of finance. however, i wish that the first big business letter i ever got in my life hadn't had to have a strain of love interest running through it! still dickie is a trump card in the man pack. it seems that as his father is one of the most influential directors and largest stockholders in this new branch of the cincinnati and gulf railroad he has got the commission for making the plans for all the stations along the road, and he wants to give me the commission for drawing all the gardens for all the station-yards. it will be tremendous for both of us so young in life, and i never dared hope for such a thing. i had only hoped to get a few private gardens of some of my friends to laze and pose over, but this is startling. my mind is beginning to work on in terms of hedges and fountains already and dickie may be coming south any minute. and besides the hedges and gravel paths i have a feeling that dickie's father and the crag and sallie's girl-babies are fomenting around in my mind getting ready to pop the cork of an idea soon. the combination feels like some kind of a hunch--i sat still for a long time and let it seethe, while i took stock of the situation. there is a strange, mysterious kind of peace that begins to creep across the harpeth valley, just as soon as the sun sinks low enough to throw the red glow over the head of old harpeth. i suppose it happens in other hill-rimmed valleys in other parts of the universe, but it does seem as if god himself is looking down to brood over us, and that the valley is the hollow of his hand into which he is gathering us to rest in the darkness of his night. i felt buffeted and in need of him as i sank down under the rose-vine over the porch and looked out across my garden to the blue and rose hills beyond. i have been in glendale a whole month now, and i can't see that my influence has revolutionized the town as yet. i don't seem to be of half the importance that i thought i was going to be. i have tried, and i have offered that bucket of love that i thought up to everybody, but whether they have drunk of it to profit i am sure i can't say. in fact, my loneliness has liquefied my gaseous affection into what almost looks like officiousness. still, i know uncle peter is happier than he ever was before, because he has got me to come to as a refuge from aunt augusta, a confidante for his views of life that he is not allowed to express at home, and also the certainty of one of jasper's juleps. sallie has grown so dependent on me that my shoulders are assuming a masculine squareness to support her weight. i am understudying cousin james to such an extent over at widegables that i feel like the heir to his house. cousin martha sends for me when the chimney smokes and the cows get sick. i have twice changed five dollars for little cousin jasmine, and sternly told the man from out on their farm on providence road that he must not root up the lavender bushes to plant turnip-greens in their places. i afterwards rented the patch from him to grow the lavender because he said he couldn't lose the price that the greens would bring him "for crotchets." mrs. hargrove has given me her will to keep for her, and the sealed instructions for her burial. i hope when the time comes the two behests will strike a balance, but i doubt it. her ideas of a proper funeral seem to coincide with those of queen victoria, whom she has admired through life and mourns sincerely. henrietta has not been heard to indulge in profane language since i had a long talk with her last week out in the garden, that ended in stubby tears and the gift of a very lovely locket which i impressed upon her was as chaste in design as i wished her speech to become. the twins have been provided with several very lovely pieces of wearing apparel from my rapidly skill-acquiring needle. that's on the credit side of my balance. but that is _all_--and it doesn't sound revolutionary, does it, jane? petunia married jasper according to his word of promise, and i have taught her to cook about five french dishes that he couldn't concoct to save his life, and which help her to keep him in his place. his pomposity grows daily but he eyes me with suspicion when he sees me in secret conclave with petunia. "we needs a man around this place," i heard him mutter the other day as i left the kitchen. i wonder! the garden has been weeded, replanted, trained, clipped and garnished, and my arms are as husky and strong as a boy's and my nose badly sunburned from my strenuosity with hoe and trimming scissors. all of which i have done and done well. but when i think of all those five girls that are waiting for me to solve the emotional formula by which they can work out and establish the fact that man equals woman, i get weak in the knees. jane's letters are just prods. * * * * * your highly cultivated artistic nature ought to be a very beautiful revelation to the spiritual character of the young methodist divine you wrote me of in your last letter. encourage him in every way with affectionate interest in his work, especially in the epworth league on his country circuit. i am enclosing fifty dollars' subscription to the work and i hope you will give as much you have not mentioned mr. hayes for several letters. i fear you are prejudiced against him. seek to know and weigh his character before you judge him as unfit for your love. * * * * * the highly spiritual mr. haley glared at polk for an hour out here on my porch, when he interrupted us in one of our epworth league talks, in such an unspiritual manner that polk said he felt as if he had been introduced to the apostle paul while he was still saul of tarsus. i had to pet the dominie decorously for a week before he regained his benign manner. of course, however, it was trying to even a highly spiritual nature like his to have polk insist on pinning a rose in my hair right before his eyes. about polk i feel that i am in the midst of one of those great calm, oily stretches of ocean that a ship is rocked gently in for a few hours before the storm tosses it first to heaven and then to hell. he is so psychic, and in a way attuned to me, that he partly understands my purpose in declaring my love for him to put him at a disadvantage in his love-making to me, and he hasn't let me do it yet, while his tacit suit goes on. it is a drawn battle between us and is going to be fought to the death. in the meantime nell-and while i was on the porch sitting with richard hall's letter in my hand, still unread, nell herself came down the front walk and sat down beside me. "why, i thought you had gone fishing with polk," i said as i cuddled her up to me a second. she laid her head on my shoulder and heaved such a sigh that it shook us both. "i didn't quite like to go with him alone and henrietta wouldn't go because a bee had stung the red-headed twin, and she wanted to stay to scold sallie," she answered with both hesitation and depression in her voice. "polk is--is strenuous for a whole day's companionship," i answered, experimentally, for i saw the time had come to exercise some of the biceps in nell's femininity in preparation for just what i knew she was to get from polk. my heart ached for what i knew she was suffering. i had had exactly those growing pains for months following that experience with him on the front porch after the dance four years ago. and i had had change of scene and occupation to help. "i don't understand him at all," faltered nell, and she raised her eyes as she bared her wound to me. "nell," i said with trepidation, as i began on this my first disciple, "you aren't a bit ashamed or embarrassed or humiliated in showing me that you love me, are you?" "you know i've adored you ever since i could toddle at your heels, evelina," she answered, and the love-message her great brown eyes flashed into mine was as sweet as anything that ever happened to me. "then, why should you wonder and suffer and restrain and be humiliated at your love for polk?" i asked, firing point blank at all of nell's traditions. "why not tell him about it and ask him if he loves you?" the shot landed with such force that nell gasped, but answered as straight out from the shoulder as i had aimed. "i would rather die than have polk hayes know how he--he affects me," she answered with her head held high. "then, what you feel for him is not worthy love, but something entirely unworthy," i answered loftily, with a very poor imitation of jane's impressiveness of speech. "i know it," she faltered into my shoulder, "if it were mr. james hardin i loved, i wouldn't mind anybody's knowing it, but something must be wrong with polk or me or the way i feel. what is it?" for a moment i got so stiff all over that nell raised her head from my shoulder in surprise. do all women feel about the crag as i do? "i don't know," i answered weakly. and i don't know! oh, jane, your simple experiment proposition is about to become compound quadratics. then i got a still further surprise. "i wouldn't in the least mind telling mr. james how i like him--if you think it is all right," nell mused, looking pensively at the first pale star that was rising over old harpeth. "i would enjoy it, because i have always adored him, and it would be so interesting to see what he'd say." "nell," i said suddenly with determination, "do it! tell any man you like how much you like him--and see what happens." "i feel as if--as if"--nell faltered and i don't blame her; i wouldn't have said as much to her--"i feel that to tell mr. james i love _him_ would ease the pain, the--pain--that i feel about polk. it would be so interesting to tell a man a thing like that." "do it!" i gasped, and went foot in the class in romantics. if any jungle explorer thinks he has mapped and charted a woman's heart he had better pack up his instruments of warfare and recorders and come down to glendale, tennessee. nell and i must have talked further along the same lines, but i don't remember what we said. i have recorded the high lights on the conversation, but long after i lost her i kept my whirlwind feeling of amazement. it was like trying to balance calmly on the lid of the tinder-box when you didn't know whether or not you had touched off the fuse. has honeysuckle-garbed old harpeth been seeing things like this go on for centuries and not interrupted? i think i would have been sitting there questioning him until now, if lee and caroline hadn't stopped at the gate and called to me. i think lee was giving caroline this stroll home from the post-office in the twilight as an extra treat in her week's allowance of him, and she was so soft and glowing and sweet and pale that i wonder the cherokee roses on my hedge didn't droop their heads with humility before her. "what's a lovely lady doing sitting all by herself in the gloaming?" lee asked in his rich, warm voice. i hate him! "come take a walk with us, evelina, dear," caroline begged softly, though i knew what it would mean to her if i should intrude on this precious hour with her near-lover. please, god--if i seem to be calling you into a profane situation i can't help it; i must have help!--show me some way to assist caroline to make lee into a real man and then get him for herself. she must have him and he needs her. and show me a way quick! amen! jane, i hope you will be able to pick the data out of this jumble, but i doubt it. anyway i'm grateful for the lock and key on this book. as i stood at the gate and watched lee and caroline saunter down the moon-flecked street a mocking bird in the tallest of the oak twins that are my roof shelter called wooingly from one of the top boughs and got his answer from about the same place on the same limb. if a woman starts out to be a trained nurse to an epidemic of love-making, she is in great danger of doing something foolish her own self. i am even glad it is prayer-meeting night for mr. haley; he is safe in performing his rituals. he might misunderstand this mood. i wonder if i ever was really over in sunny france being wooed and happy! of course, i decided the first night i was here that, as circumstances over which i had no control had decreed that cousin james should stand in the position of enforced protector to me, decent, communistic femino-masculine honor demands that i refrain from any manoeuvers in his direction to attract his thoughts and attention to the feminine me. i can only meet him on the ordinary grounds of fellowship. and i suppose the glad-to-see him coming up the street was of the neuter gender, but it was very interesting. "what did dodson have to say--is he coming across?" i demanded of him before he got quite to my gate. "not if he can help it," he answered as he came close and leaned against one of the tall stone posts, so that his grandly shaped head with its ante-bellum squirls of hair was silhouetted against the white-starred wistaria vine in a way that made me frantic for several buckets of monochrome water-colors and a couple of brushes as big as those used for white-washing. in about ten great splotches i could have done a masterpiece of him that would have drawn artistic fits from the public of gay paris. i never see him that i don't long for a box of pastels or get the ghost of the odor of oil-paint in my nose. "the whole thing will be settled in a month," he continued, with a sigh that had a hint of depression in it and an astral shape of sallie manifested itself hanging on his shoulder. however, i controlled myself and listened to him. "there is to be a meeting of the directors of both roads over in bolivar in a few weeks and they are to come to some understanding. the line across the river is unquestionably the cheapest and best grade and there is no chance of getting them to run along our bluff--unless we can show them some advantage in doing so, and i can't see what that will be." "what makes it of advantage for a railroad to run through any given point in a rural community like this, cousin james?" i asked, with a glow of intellect mounting to my head, the like of which i hadn't felt since i delivered my junior thesis in political economy with jane looking on, consumed with pride. "towns that have good stock or grain districts around them with good roads for hauling do what is called 'feeding' a railroad," he answered. "bolivar can feed both roads with the whole of the harpeth valley on that side of the river. they'll get the roads, i'm thinking. poor old glendale!" "isn't there anything to feed the monsters this side of the river?" i demanded, indignant at the barrenness of the south side of the valley of old harpeth. "very little unless it's the scenery along the bluff," he replied, with the depression sounding still more clearly in his voice and his shoulders drooped against the unsympathetic old stone post in a way that sent a pang to my heart. "jamie, is all you've got tied up in the venture?" i asked softly, using the name that a very small i had given him in a long ago when the world was young and not full of problems. "that's not the worst, evelina," he answered in a voice that was positively haggard. "but what belongs to the rest of the family is all in the same leaky craft. carruthers put sallie's in himself, but i invested the mites belonging to the others. of course, as far as the old folks are concerned, i can more than take care of them, and if anything happens there's enough life insurance and to spare for them. i don't feel exactly responsible for sallie's situation, but i do feel the responsibility of their helplessness. sallie is not fitted to cope with the world and she ought to be well provided for. i feel that more and more every day. her helplessness is very beautiful and tender, but in a way tragic, don't you think?" i wish i had dared tell him for the second time that day what i did think on the subject but i denied myself such frankness. anyway, men are just stupid, faithful children--some of them faithful, i mean. i felt that if i stood there talking with the crag any longer, i might grow pedagogical and teach him a few things so i sent him home across the road. i knew all six women would stay awake until they heard him lock them in, come down to the lodge and lock his own door. it is very unworthy of me to enjoy his playing a watch-dog of tradition across the road to an emancipated woman like myself. the situation both keeps me awake and puts me to sleep--and it is sweet, though i don't know why. god never made anything more wonderful than a good man,--even a stupid one. lights out! chapter vi max and the asafetida spoon i do wish the great man who is discovering how to put people into some sort of metaphysical pickle that will suspend their animations until he gets ready to wake them up, would hurry up with his investigations, so he can catch sallie before she begins to fade or wilt. sallie, just as she is, brought to life about five generations from now, would cause a sensation. some women are so feminine that they are sticky, unless well spiced with deviltry. sallie's loveliness hasn't much seasoning. still, i do love her dearly, and i am just as much her slave as are any of the others. i can't get out of it. "do you suppose we will ever get all of the clothes done for the twins?" nell sighed gently as we sat on my porch whipping yards of lace upon white ruffles and whipping up our own spirits at the same time. everybody in glendale sews for sallie's children and it takes her all her time to think up the clothes. "never," i answered. "she's coming, and i do believe she has got more of this ruffling. i see it floating down her skirt," nell fairly groaned. nell ought to like to sew. she isn't emancipated enough to hate a needle as i do. but the leaven is working and she's rising slowly. it might be well for some man to work the dough down a little before she runs over the pan. that's a primitively feminine wish and not at all in accordance with my own advanced ideas. i was becoming slightly snarled with my thread, and i was glad when sallie and her sweetness seated itself in the best rocker in the softest breeze, which nell had vacated for her. "children are the greatest happiness in life and also the greatest responsibility, girls," she said, in her lovely rich voice that always melts me to a solution of sympathy whenever she uses it pensively on me. "of course, i should be desolate without mine, but what could i do with them, if i didn't have all of you dear people to help me with them?" her wistful dependence had charm. i looked at the twin with the yellow fuzz on the top of its head that has hall-marked it as the kitten in my mind, seated on sallie's lap with her head on sallie's shoulder looking like a baby bud folded against the full rose, and i couldn't help laughing. kit had been undressed three times after her bath this morning while cousin martha, cousin jasmine and mrs. hargrove argued with each other whether she should or shouldn't have a scrap of flannel put on over her fat little stomach. henrietta finally decided the matter by being impudent and sensible to them all about the temperature. "don't you all 'spose god made the sun some to heat up kit's stomach?" she demanded scornfully, as she grabbed the little roly-poly bone of contention and marched off with her to finish dressing her on the front porch in the direct rays of her instituted heater. the household at large at widegables can never agree on the clothing of the twins and henrietta often has to finish their toilets thus, by force. aunt dilsie being reduced by her phthisic to a position that is almost entirely ornamental, henrietta's strength of character is the only thing that has made the existence of the twins bearable to themselves or other people. as i have said before, i do wish that some day in the future you will come under the direct rays of henrietta's influence, jane, dear! "yes, sallie, i should call them a responsibility," i answered her with a laugh, as i reached up my arms for the kitten. then, as the little yellow head snuggled in the hollow that was instituted in the beginning between a woman's breast and arm for the purpose of just such nestlings, i whispered as i laid my lips against her little ear, "and a happiness, too, darling." and as sallie rocked and recuperated her breath nell eyed the ruffle apprehensively. "are you going to let us make another dress for the kiddies, sallie, dear?" she finally was forced by her uneasiness to ask, though with the deepest sweetness and consideration in her voice. if i am ever a widow with young children i hope they will burn us all up with the deceased rather than keep me wrapped in a cotton-wool of sympathy, as all of us do sallie. "it's lovely of you, nell, to want to do more for the babies after all the beautiful things you and evelina have made them, and i may be able to get another white dress apiece for them after i give cousin james the bills, that are awful already, but this is some ruffling that i just forced mamie hall to let me bring up to you girls to do for her baby. the poor little dear is two months old and mamie is just beginning on his little dress for him. he has been wearing the plainest little slips. mamie says ned remarked on the fact that the baby was hardly presentable when you girls stopped in with him to see it the other day, nell. i urged her to get right to work fixing him up. it is wrong for children not to be kept as daintily as their father likes to see them." how any woman that is as spiritually-minded as i am, and who has so much love for the whole world in her heart, and such a deep purpose always to offer it to her fellowmen according to their need of it, can have the vile temper i possess i cannot see. "and the sight that would please me better than anything else i have even thought up to want to see," i found myself saying when i became conscious--i hope i didn't use any of the oaths of my forefathers which must have been tempting my refined foremothers for generations and which i secretly admire henrietta for indulging in on occasions of impatience with sallie--"would be ned hall left entirely alone with that squirming baby, that looks exactly like him, when it is having a terrible spell of colic and ned is in the midst of a sick headache, with all the other children cold, hungry, and cross, the cook gone to a funeral, and the nurse in a grouch because she couldn't go and--and he knowing that mamie was attired in a lovely, cool muslin dress, sitting up here on the porch with us sipping a mint julep and smoking a ten-cent cigar, resting and getting up an appetite for supper. i want him to have about five years of such days and then he would deserve the joys of parenthood that he now does not appreciate." "oh, mamie wouldn't smoke a cigar!" was the exclamation that showed how much sallie got of the motif of my eruption. "glorious!" exclaimed nell, with shining eyes. i must be careful about nell, she is going this new gait too fast for one so young. women must learn to fletcherize freedom if it is not to give them indigestion of purpose. "still ned provides everything in the world he can think of to help mamie," said caroline, who had come up the walk just in time to fan the flame in me by her sweet wistfulness, with a soft judiciousness in her voice and eyes. "and mamie adores the children and him." if one man is unattainable to a woman all the other creatures take on the hue of being valuable from the reflection. caroline is pathetic! "it would be robbing a woman of a privilege not to let her trot the colic out of her own baby," sallie got near enough in sight of the discussion to shout softly from the rear. i have often seen cousin martha on one side of the fire trotting the pup, and cousin jasmine on the other ministrating likewise to the kit. so sallie could take a good nap, which she didn't at all need, on the long sofa in the living-room at widegables. "ned is a delightful man and, of course, mamie adores him." nell agreed with an attitude of mind like to the attitude of a body sustained on the top rail of a shaky fence. "he doubtless would be just as delightful to mamie standing by dropping asafetida into a spoon to administer to the baby, as he is dancing with you at the assembly, nell," i said, still frothy around the temper. "he'll never do it again," was the prompt result i got from my shot. "the trouble with you, evelina," said sallie, with ruminative reflectiveness in her eyes, "is that you have never been married and do not understand how noble a man can be under--" "yes, i should say that you had hit evelina's trouble exactly on the head, sallie," came in polk's drawl as he came over the rose hedge from the side street and seated himself beside caroline on the steps. "well, if i ever have a husband he'll prove his nobility by being competent to make the correct connection between the asafetida spoon and his own baby," was the answer that came with so much force that i couldn't stop it after i fully realized folk's presence and sex. "help!" exclaimed polk, weakly, while nell blushed into the fold of her ruffle, caroline looked slightly shocked and sallie wholly scandalized at my lack of delicacy. i felt that the place had been reached, the audience provided, and the time ripe for the first gun in my general revolution planned for glendale. i spoke calmly in a perfect panic of fear. "i am glad polk is here to speak for the masculine side of the question," i said, looking all the three astonished women straight in the face. "polk, do you or do you not think that a man with a wife and seven children ought to assume at least some of the domestic strain resulting therefrom, like dropping the asafetida in the spoon for her while she is wrestling with the youngest-born's colic?" "do i have to answer?" pleaded polk, with desperation. "yes!" "then, under the circumstances i think the man ought to say: 'to hell with the spoon,' grab a gun, go out and shoot up a bear and a couple of wild turkeys for breakfast, throttle some coin out of some nearby business corporation, send two to five trained nurses back to the wigwam, stay down town to lunch and then go home with a tender little kiss for the madame who meets him fluffy and smiling at the door. that's my idea of true connubial bliss. applications considered in the order of their reception. nell, you are sweet enough to eat in that blue muslin. i'm glad i asked you to get one just that shade!" and the inane chorus of pleased laughs that followed polk hayes's brainless disposal of the important question in hand made me ashamed of being a woman--though it was funny. still i bided my time and polk saw the biding, i could tell by the expression in the corners of his eyes that he kept turned away from me. and in less than a half-hour he was left to my mercies, anything but tender. sallie took nell and caroline over home to help her decide how wide a band of white it would be decorous for her to sew in the neck of her new black meteor crepe. i see it coming that we will all have to unite in getting sallie out of mourning and into the trappings of frivolity soon and i dread it. it takes so many opinions on any given subject to satisfy sallie that she ought to keep a tabulated advice-book. "evelina," said polk, experimentally, after he had seen them safely across the street, and he moved along the steps until he sat against my skirts, "are your family subject to colic?" "no, they have strong brains instead," i answered icily. "said brains subject to colic, though," he mused in an impudent undertone. i laughed: i couldn't help it. one of the dangerous things about polk is that he gets you comfortable and warm of heart whenever he gets near you. it wouldn't matter at all to him if you should freeze later for lack of his warmth, just so he doesn't know about it. "polk," i began to say in a lovely serious tone of voice, looking him square in the eyes and determined that as we were now on the subject of basic things, like infantile colic, i would have it out with him along all lines, "there is an awful shock coming to you when you realize that--" "that in the heat of this erudite and revolutionary discussion, which an evil fate led me to drop in on, i have forgotten to give you this telegram that came for you while i was down at the station shipping some lumber. be as easy as you can with me, evelina, and remember that i am your childhood's companion when you decide between us." with which he handed me a blue telegram. i opened it hastily and found that it was from richard: am coming down to bolivar with c. & g. commission. be deciding about what i wrote you. must. richard. i sat perfectly still for several seconds because i felt that a good strong hand had reached out of the distance and gently grabbed me. dickie had bossed me strenuously through two years of the time before i had awakened to the fact that, for his good, i must take the direction of the affairs of him and his kind on my and my kind's shoulders. i suppose a great many years of emancipation will have to pass over the heads of women before they lose the gourd kind of feeling at the sight of a particularly broad, strong pair of shoulders. my heart sparkled at the idea of seeing dickie again and being browbeaten in a good old, methodical, tender way. i suppose the sparkle in my heart showed in my eyes, for polk sat up quickly and took notice of it very decidedly. "wire especially impassioned?" he asked, with a smolder in his eyes. "not especially." i answered serenely, "one of my friend's father is a director in the c. & g. and he is coming down with him for the conference over at bolivar between the two roads next week." "good," answered polk, heartily, as the flare died out of his eyes. i was glad he didn't have to see the wire for i wanted to use polk's brain a while if i could get his emotions to sleep in my presence. it is very exasperating for a woman to be offered flirtation when she is in need of common sense from a man. there are so many times she needs the one rather than the other, but the dear creatures refuse to realize it, if she's under forty. "polk, do you see any logical, honest or dishonest way to get that road to take the glendale bluff line?" i asked, with trepidation, for that was the first time i had ever even begun to discuss anything intelligently with polk. "none in the world, evelina," he answered with a nice, straight, intellectuality showing over his whole face and even his lazy, posing figure. "i remonstrated with james and henry carruthers both when they used their influence to have the bonds voted and i told james it was madness to invest in all that field and swamp property with just a chance of the shops. the trouble was that james had always left all his business to henry, along with the firm's business, for a man can't be the kind of lawyer james is, and carry the details of the handling of filthy lucre in the same mind that can make a speech like the one he made down in nashville last april, on the exchange of the judiciary. james can be the governor of this good state any time he wants to, or could, if henry hadn't turned toes and left him such a bag to hold--no reference to sallie's figure intended, which is all to the good if you like that kind of curves!" i took a moment to choose my words. "the c. & g. is going to take that bluff route," i answered calmly from somewhere inside me that i had never used to speak from before. "do you know anything of the character of mrs. joshua?" asked polk, admiringly, but slipping down from his intellectual attitude of mind and body and edging an inch nearer. "bet she had a strong mind or joshua never could have pulled off that sun and moon stunt." "do you know, polk, there is one woman in the world who could--could handle you?" i said, as a sudden vision of what jane would do, if polk sat on her skirts as he did on mine, flashed across my troubled brain. "i'd be mighty particular as to who handles me," he answered impudently, "want to try?" and with the greatest audacity he laid his head gently against my knee. i let it rest there a second and then tipped it back against the arm of the rocker. "it does hurt me to see a man like cousin james fairly throttled by women as he is being," i said as i looked across the street and noted that the porch of widegables was full to overflowing with the household of women. "evelina," said polk, as he stood up suddenly in front of me, "that old mossback is the finest man in this commonwealth, but from his situation nobody can extract him, unless it is a woman with the wiliness of the devil himself. poison the whole bunch and i'll back you. but we'll have to plot it later on. i see his reverence coming tripping along with a tract in his hand for you and i'll be considerate enough to sneak through the kitchen, get a hot muffin-cake that has been tantalizing my nose all this time you have been sentimentalizing over me, and return anon when i can have you all to myself in the melting moonlight in the small hours after all religious folk are in bed. until then!" and as he went back through the front hall mr. haley came down the front walk. "my dear miss shelby, how fortunate i am to find you alone," he exclaimed with such genuine delight beaming from his nice, good, friendly, gray eyes that i beamed up myself a bit out of pure responsiveness. "i am so glad to see you, mr. haley. hasn't it been a lovely day?" i answered, as i offered him the large rocker sallie had vacated. "it has, indeed, and i don't know when i have been as deeply happy. this hour with you will be the very climax of the day's perfections, i feel sure." i smiled. to follow you, jane, i "let a man look freely into my heart and thus encouraged he opened his to mine" and behold, i found sallie and the twins and henrietta all squatting in the dominie's cardiac regions, just as comfortably as they do it at widegables. "my sympathies have become so enlisted in the struggle which mrs. carruthers is having to curb the eccentricities of her oldest daughter that i feel i must lay definite plans to help her. it is very difficult for a young and naturally yielding woman like mrs. carruthers to discipline alone even so young a child as henrietta. i know you will help me all you can to help her. believe me, my dear friend, even in the short time you have been in glendale you have become a tower of strength to me. i feel that i can take my most difficult and sacred perplexities to you." now, what do you think of that, jane? be sure and rub this situation in on all the waiting five disciples. i defy any of them to do so well in less than three months. this getting on a plane of common citizenship with a fellow-man is easy. that is, with some men. still while you are getting on the plane somebody else gets the man. what about that? i didn't want mr. haley, but what if i had? "yes, henrietta is a handful, mr. haley," i answered with enthusiasm, for even the mention of henrietta enlivens me and somehow mr. haley's getting in the game of "curbing" her stirred up my risibles. "but--but sallie already has a good many people to help her with the children. i have been trying to--to influence henrietta--and she does not swear except on the most exasperating occasions now." "the dear little child created a slight consternation in her sunday school class last week when they were being taught the great dramatic story of jonah's three days' incarceration in the whale. to quote her exactly, so that you may see how it must have affected the other children, she said: 'i swallowed a live fly onct myself and i'm not damn fool enough to believe that whale kept jonah down three days, alive and kicking, no matter who says so.' "she then marched out of the class and has not returned these two succeeding sabbaths. it was to talk over the matter i called on mrs. carruthers this afternoon, and i have never had my sympathies so stirred. we must help her, my dear friend!" i never enjoyed anything more in my life than the hour i spent helping that dear, good, funny man plan first aids to the rearing of sallie's children. besides my coã¶peration he has planned to enlist that of aunt augusta, and i was wicked enough to let him do it. in a small village where the inhabitants have no chance at diversions like wagnerian operas and collapsing skyscrapers i felt that i had no right to avert the spectacle of aunt augusta's disciplining henrietta. i'll write you all about it, jane, in a special delivery letter. jasper whipped petunia with great apparent severity day before yesterday, and we have been having the most heavenly waffles and broiled chicken ever since. i dismissed jasper for doing it, but petunia came into my room and cried about it a half-hour, so i had to go out where he was rubbing the silver and forgive him and hire him over. "when a woman gits her mouth stuck out at a man and the world in general three days hand running they ain't nothing to cure it but a stick," he answered with lofty scorn. "yes'm, dat's so," answered petunia. "i never come outen a spell so easy before." and her yellow face had a pink glow of happiness all over it as she smiled lovably on the black brute. i went off into a corner and sat down for a quiet hour to think. nobody in the world knows everything. "supper's on the table," jasper announced, after having seen mr. haley go down the front walk to-night. jasper has such great respect for the cloth that never in the world would he have asked mr. haley in to supper without having at least a day to prepare for him. any of my other friends he would have asked, regardless of whether or not i wanted them. i somehow didn't feel that i could eat alone to-night, but it was too late to go for sallie or cousin jasmine, and besides it is weak-minded to feel that way. why shouldn't i want to eat by myself? this is a great big house for just one woman, and i don't see why i have to be that one! i never was intended to be single. i seem to even think double. way down in me there is a place that all my life i have been laying things aside in to tell some day to somebody that will understand. i don't remember a single one of them now, but when the time comes somebody is going to ask me a question very softly and it is going to be the key that will unlock the treasures of all my life, and he will take them out one by one, and look at them and love them and smile over them and scold over them and be frightened even to swearing over them, perhaps weep over them, and then--while i'm very close--pray over them. i could feel the tears getting tangled in my lashes, but i forced them back. now, i don't see why i should have been sentimentalizing over myself like that. just such a longing, miserable, wait-until-he-comes--and why-doesn't-he-hurry-or-i'll-take-the-wrong-man attitude of mind and sentiment in women in general is what i have taken a vow on my soul, and made a great big important wager to do away with. there are millions of lovely men in the world and all i have to do is to go out and find the right one, be gentle with him until he understands my mode of attack to be a bit different from the usual crawfish one employed by women from prehistoric times until now, but not later: and then domesticate him in any way that suits me. here i've been in glendale almost three months and have let my time be occupied keeping house for nobody but myself and to entertain my friends, planting a flower garden that can't be used at all for nourishment, and sewing on another woman's baby clothes. i've written millions of words in this book and there is as yet not one word that will help the five in the serious and important task of proving that they have a right to choose their own mates, and certainly nothing to help them perform the ceremonial. if i don't do better than this jane will withdraw her offer and there is no telling how many years the human race will be retarded by my lack of strength of character. what do men do when they begin to see the gray hairs on their temples and when they have been best-man at twenty-three weddings, and are tired of being at christenings and buying rattles, and things at the club all taste exactly alike, and they have purchased ten different kinds of hair-tonic that it bores them to death to rub on the tops of their own heads? i don't want any man i know! i might want polk, if i let him have half a chance to make me, but that would be dishonorable. i've got up so much nice warm sisterly love for dickie and mr. haley that i couldn't begin to love them in the right way now, i am afraid. still, i haven't seen dickie for three months and maybe my desperation will have the effect of enhancing his attractions. i hope so. still i am disgusted deeply with myself. i believe if i could experiment with mankind i could make some kind of creature that would be a lot better than a woman for all purposes, and i would-"supper's ready and company come," jasper came to the front door to announce for the third time, but this time with the unctuous voice of delight that a guest always inspires in him. i promptly went in to welcome my materialized desire whoever it happened to be. the crag was standing by the window in the half light that came, partly from the candles in their tall old silver candlesticks that were grandmother shelby's, and partly from the last glow of the sun down over the ridge. that was what i needed! "i was coming in from the fields across your back yard and i saw the table lighted and you on the front porch, star-gazing, and--and i got jasper to invite me." he said as he came over and drew out my chair on one side of that wide square table, while jasper stood waiting to seat him at the other, about a mile away. "i wanted you," i answered him stupidly, as i sank into my place and leaned my elbows on the table so i could drop my warm cheeks into my hands comfortably. i didn't see why i should be blushing. "that's the reason i came then," he answered, as he looked at me across the bowl of musk roses that were sending out waves of sweetness to meet those that were coming in from the honeysuckle climbing over the window. "if you were ever lonely and needed me, evelina, you would tell me, wouldn't you?" he asked, as he leaned towards me and regarded me still more closely. and again those two treacherous tears rose and tangled themselves in my lashes, though i did shake them away quickly as a smile quivered its way to command of my mouth. but i was not quick enough and he saw them. and what he did was just what i wanted him to do! he rose, picked up his chair and came around that huge old table and sat down at the corner just as near to my elbow as the steaming coffee pot would let him. "if you wanted me any time, would you tell me, evelina?" he insisted from this closer range. "no, i wouldn't," i answered with a laugh. "i would expect you to know it, and come just like you did to-night." "but--but it was i that wanted you badly in this case," he answered with an echo of the laugh. but even under the laugh i saw signs of excitement in his deep eyes and his long, lean hands shook as they handed me his cup to pour the coffee. jasper had laid his silver and napkin in front of him and retired to admonish petunia as to the exact crispness of her first waffle. "what is it?" i asked breathlessly, as i moved the coffee pot from between us to the other side. "just a letter that came to me from the democratic headquarters in the city, that shook me up a bit and made me want to--to tell _you_ about it. nobody else can know--i have been out on old harpeth all afternoon fighting that out, and telling you is the only thing i have allowed myself." "they want you to be the next governor," i said quickly. "and you will be, too," i added, again using that queer place in my brain that seems to know perfectly unknowable things and that only works in matters that concern him. "no!" "yes, your excellency," i hurled at him defiantly. "you witch, you," he answered me with a pleased, teasing whimsicality coming into his eyes. "of course, you guessed the letter and it was dear to have you do it, but we both know it is impossible. nobody must hear of it, and the telling you has been the best i could get out of it anyway. jasper, take my compliments to petunia, this chicken is perfection!" that eighth wonder of the world which got lost was something even more mysterious than the sphinx. it was a marvel that could have been used for women to compare men to. that man sat right there at my side and ate four waffles, two large pieces of chicken and a liver-wing, drank two cups of coffee, and then devoured a huge bowl of peaches and cream, with three muffin-cakes, while enduring the tragedy of the realization of having to decline the governorship of his state. i watched him do it, first in awe and then with a dim understanding of something, i wasn't sure what. most women, under the circumstances, would have gone to bed and cried it out or at least have refused food for hours. we've got to get over those habits before we get to the point of having to refuse to be governors of the states and railroad presidents and things like that. and while he ate, there i sat not able to more than nibble because i was making up my mind to do something that scared me to death to think about. that gaunt, craggy man in a shabby gray coat, cut ante-bellum wise, with a cravat that wound itself around his collar, snowy and dainty, but on the same lines as the coat and evidently of rural manufacture in the style favored by the flower and chivalry of the day of henry clay, had progressive me as completely overawed for several minutes as any painted redskin ever dominated a squaw--or as jasper did petunia in my own kitchen. but after we were left alone with the roses and the candles and his cigar, with only jasper's gratified voice mumbling over compliments to petunia in the distance, i took my courage in my hands and plunged. this can he used as data for the five. "james." i said, with such cool determination in my voice that it almost froze my own tongue, "i meant to tell you about it several weeks ago, i have decided to adopt sallie and all the children. i intend to legally adopt the children and just nominally adopt sallie, but it will amount to the same thing. i don't have to have your consent but i think it is courteous to ask for it." "what!" he exclaimed, as he sat up and looked at me with the expression an alienist might use in an important examination. "yes," i answered, gaining courage with time. "you see, i was crying out here on the porch with loneliness when you found me. i can't stand this any longer. i must have a family right away and sallie's just suits me. i have to take a great deal of interest in them anyway and it would be easier if i had complete control of them. it will leave you with enough family to keep you from being lonely and then we can all be happy together down into old age." "have you said anything about this to sallie?" he asked weakly as he dipped the end of his cigar into his glass of water and watched the sputter with the greatest interest. "not yet, but don't you feel sure that she will consent?" i asked, with confidence in my plan at fever heat. "sallie is so generous and she can't want to see me live lonely always, without any family at all. now, will she?" "she would consent!" he answered slowly, and then he laid his head down on the table right against my arm and shook so that the candlesticks rattled against the candles. "but i don't," he gasped, and for the life of me i couldn't tell whether he was crying or laughing, until he sat up again. "eve," he said, with his eyes fairly dancing into mine, "if women in general mean to walk over political difficulties as you are planning to walk away with this one of mine, i'm for feminine rule. don't you dare say one word about such a thing to sallie. of course, it is impossible as it is funny." it was a tragedy to have such a lovely scheme as i had thought up on the spur of the moment, knocked down suddenly by a half dozen positive words from a mere man, and for a moment my eyes fought with his in open rebellion. then i rose haughtily and walked out on the front porch. "dear," he said, as he followed me and took my hand in his and drew me near him, "don't you know that your wanting to put your shoulder under any burden i may be bearing lifts it completely? there are things in this situation that you can't understand. if i seem to make sacrifices, they come from the depths of my heart and are not sacrifices. will you believe me?" how can he help loving sallie with her so emphatically there? i answered him i suppose to his liking and he went on across the road to widegables and left me alone in the cruel darkness. please, god, when things seem to be drowning me like this make me swim with head up. amen! chapter vii some smolderings i'm a failure! yes, jane, i am! polk hayes is an up-to-date, bright man of the world, with lots of brains and i should say about the average masculine nature, and a great deal more than the average amount of human charm. however, he has got no more brains than i have, has had really fewer advantages, and it ought to be easy for me to hold my own against him. but i am about to fail on him. for the last two weeks he has been constantly with nell and has got her in a dreamy state that shows in her face and every movement of her slim body. and yet i know without the shadow of a doubt that he is just biding his time to try me out and get me on his own terms. my heart aches for nell, and i just couldn't see him murder her girlhood, and it will amount to that if he involves her heart any more than it is. i made up my mind to have it out with him and accordingly let him come and sit on my side steps with me late yesterday afternoon, when i have avoided being alone with him for a month. "polk," i asked him suddenly without giving him time to get the situation into his own hands, skilled in their woman-handling, "do you intend to marry nell or just plain break her heart for the fun you get out of it?" his dangerous eyes smoldered back at me for a long minute before he answered me: "men don't break women's hearts, evelina." "i think you are right," i answered slowly, "they do just wring and distort them and deform them for life. but i intend to see that nell's has no such torturous operation performed on it if i can appeal to you or convince her." "when you argue with nell be sure and don't tell her just exactly the things _you_ have done to _me_ all this summer through, evelina." he answered coolly. "what do you mean?" i demanded, positively cold with a kind of astonished fear. "i mean that i have never offered nell one half of the torture you have offered me, every day since you came home, with your damned affectionate friendliness. when i laugh, you answer it before it gets articulate, and when i gloom, you are as sympathetic as sympathy itself. i have held your hand and kissed it, instituting and not quenching a raging thirst thereby, as you are experienced enough to know. you have made yourself everything for me that is responsive and desirable and beautiful and worthy and have put me back every time i have reached out to grasp you. you don't want me, you don't want to marry me at all, you just want --excitement. you are as cold as ice that grinds and generates fire. very well, you don't have to take me--and i'll get what i can from nell--and others." "oh, polk, how could you have misunderstood me like this?" i moaned from the depths of an almost broken heart. but as i moaned i understood--i understood! i'm doing it all wrong! i had the most beautiful human love for him in my heart and he thought it was all dastardly, cold coquetting. an awful spark has been struck out of the flint. i'm not worthy to experiment with this dreadful man-and-woman question. i just laid my head down on my arms, resting on my knees and cowered at polk's feet. "don't--evelina, i didn't mean it." he said quickly in a shaken voice. but he did! i couldn't answer him and as i sat still and prayed in my heart for some words to come that would do away with the horror i heard sallie's voice from my front walk, and she and mr. haley, each carrying a sleeping twin, came around the corner of the porch. that interruption was a direct answer to prayer, for god knew that i just must have time to think before having this out with polk. i sometimes feel ashamed of the catastrophes i have to pray quick about, but what would i do if i couldn't? i don't know how i got through the rest of this evening, but i did--i pray for sleep. amen! watching the seasons follow each other in the harpeth valley gives me the agony of a dumb poet, who can feel though not sing. it was spring when i came down here four months ago, a young, tender, mist-veiled, lilac-scented spring that nestled firmly in your heart and made it ache with sweetness that you hardly understood yourself. but before i knew it the young darling, with her curls and buds and apple-blooms had gone and summer was rioting over the gardens and fields and hills, rich, lush colored, radiant, redolent, gorgeous, rose-scented and pulsing with a life that made me breathless. even the roads along the valley were bordered with flowers that the sun had wooed to the swooning point. but this week, early as it is, there has been a hint of autumn in the air, and a haze is beginning to creep over the whole world, especially in the early mornings, which are so dew-gemmed that they seem to be hinting a warning of the near coming of frost and snow. my garden has grown into a perfect riot of blooms, but for the last two weeks queer slugs have begun to eat the tender buds that are forming for october blooming, and i have been mourning over it by day and by night and to everybody who will listen. aunt augusta insists that the only thing to do is to get up with the first crack of dawn and carefully search out each slug, remove it and destroy it. she says if this is done for a week they will be exterminated. i carefully explained it all to jasper and when i came down to breakfast he was coming in with three queer green things, also with an injured air of having been kept up all night. i didn't feel equal to making him go on with the combat and ignored the question for two days until i saw all the buds on my largest neron done for in one night. i have always been able to get up at the break of day to go sketching--it was at daybreak that i made my sketch in the defleury gardens that captured the french art eye enough to get me my salon mention. if i could get up to splash water-colors at that hour, i surely could rush to the protection of my own roses, so i went to bed with gray dawn on my mind and the shutters wide open so the first light would get full in my eyes. i am glad that it was a good bright ray that woke me and partly dazzled me, for the sight i had, after i had been kneeling down in the rose bed for fifteen minutes, was something of a shock to me, though no reason in the world why it should have been. i can't remember that i ever speculated as to whether the crag wore pajamas or not, and i don't see that i should have been surprised that he did instead of the night shirt of our common ancestry. he came around the side of the house out of the sun-shot mist and was half way down the garden path before i saw him or he saw me, and i must say that his unconcern under the circumstances was rather remarkable. he was attired in a light blue silk pajama jacket that was open at the throat and half way down his broad breast. he had on his usual gray trousers, but tag's of blue trailed out and ruffled around his bare ankles, and across his bare heels that protruded from his slippers. his hair was in heavy tousled black curls all over his head and his gray eyes were positively mysterious with interrupted dreams. in one hand he carried a tin can and in the other a small pointed stick, which looked murderously fitted for the extermination of the marauders. i was positively nervous over the prospect of his embarrassment when he should catch sight of me, but there was none. "eve!" he exclaimed, with surprise, and a ray of pure delight drove away the dreams in his eyes. nobody in the wide world calls me eve but just the crag, and he does it in a queer, still way when he is surprised to see me, or glad, or sorry, or moved with any kind of sudden emotion. and queer as it is i have to positively control the desire to answer him with the correlated title--adam! "i forgot to tell you yesterday that i was coming over to get the slugs for you, dear," he said as he came down the row of roses next to mine, squatted opposite to where i was kneeling by the bushy, suffering neron and began to examine the under side of each leaf carefully. he was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen in the early light with his great chest bare and the blue of the pajamas melting into the bronze of his throat and calling out the gray in his eyes. i had to force myself into being gardener rather than artist, as we laughed together over the glass bowl and silver spoon i had brought out for the undoing of the slugs. some day i'm going to paint him like that! [illustration: his gray eyes were positively mysterious with interrupted dreams] i found out about the pajamas from questioning aunt martha discreetly. they seemed so incongruous in relation to the usual old henry clay coat and stock collar, that i had to know the reason why. mrs. hargrove's son was a very worldly man, she says, and wore them. it comforts her to make them for the crag to wear in memoriam. he wears the collars cousin martha makes him with her own fingers after the pattern she made his father's by, for the same reason, and lets cousin jasmine cut his hair because she always cut her father's, colonel horton's, until his death. that accounts for the ante-bellum curls and the irregular tags in the back. i almost laughed when cousin martha was telling me, but i remembered how a glow rose in my heart when i saw that he still had father's little old confederate comrade tailor cut his coats on the same pattern on which he had cut father's, since the days of reconstruction. sometimes it startles me to find that with all my emancipation i am very like other women. but i wonder what i would do if sallie attired him in any of the late henry's wearing apparel? "what do you suppose is the why of such useless things as slugs?" i speculated to stop that thought off sharp as we crawled down the row together, he searching one side of each bush and i the other. "well, they brought on this nice companionable hunt for them, didn't they?" he asked, looking over into my eyes with a laugh. "i wanted to see you early this morning anyway," he hastily resumed. "sallie and the dominie sat talking to you so late last night that i didn't feel it was fair to come across after they left. but i wanted you so i could hardly get to sleep, and i was just half awake from a dream of you, when i came into the garden." "my evenings don't belong to anybody, if you need them, jamie, and you don't have to be told that," i answered crossly when i thought what a grand time i might have been having talking about real things with the crag, instead of wrestling with polk's romantics or sallie's and mr. haley's gush. "go on and tell me all about it, while i crawl after you like a worm myself," i snapped still further. "well, here goes! in the city council meeting last night your uncle peter told us about the plans that they have made up at bolivar for entertaining the c. & g. commission, and the gloom of polk and lee, ned and the rest of them could have easily been cut in blocks and used for cold storage purposes. they are just all down and out about it and no fight left. of course, they all lose by the bond issue, but i can't see that it is bad enough to knock them all out like this. i got up in mighty wrath and--and i have got myself into one job. my eloquence landed me right into one large hole, and i am reaching out for a hand from you." "here it is," and i reached over and left a smear of loam across the back of his hand, while i brought away a brown circle around my wrist that the responsive grasp of his fingers left. "do you want me single-handed to get the bluff line chosen?" "not quite, but almost," he answered with another laugh. "you would if you tried. i haven't a doubt. do you remember the talk we had the other night about its seeming inhospitable of you not to invite the other gentlemen in the commission over to see you when you invite hall and his father? and you know you had partly planned some sort of entertainment for the whole bunch. you had the right idea at the right place, as you always do. as you said, we don't want bolivar to see us with what looks like a grouch on us at their good fortune, and i think that as the commission are all to be here as the guests of a private citizen, glendale ought to entertain them publicly. there is no hope to get the line for us, but i would like those men at least to see what the beauty of that bluff road would be. the line across the river runs through the only ugly part of the valley, and while i know in the balance between dollars and scenery, scenery will go down and out, still it would be good for them to see it and at least get a vision of what might have been, to haunt them when they take their first trip through the swamps across the country there. now, as you are to have them anyway, i want to have the whole town entertain the whole commission and bolivar with what is classically called among us a barbecue-rally, the countryside to be invited. bolivar is going to give them a banquet, to be as near like what the bolivarians imagine they have in new york as possible, and mrs. doctor henderson is to give them a pink tea reception to which carefully chosen presentables, like you and me, are to be invited. you remember that circus day in july?--a rally will be like that or more so. what do you think?" "oh, i think you are a genius to think about it," i gasped, as i sat down on a very cruet killarney branch and just as quickly sat up again, receiving comforting expressions of sympathy from across the bush, to which i paid no heed. "those blasã© city men will go crazy about it. we can have the barbecue up on the bluff, where we have always had it for the political rallies, and a fish-fry and the country people in their wagons with children tumbling all over everything and--and you will make a great speech with all of us looking on and being proud of you, because nobody in new york or beyond can do as well. we can invite a lot of people up from the city and over from bolivar and hillsboro and providence to hear you tell them all about tennessee while things are cooking and--" "this rally is to show off glendale not--the crag," he interrupted me with a quizzical laugh. now, how did he know i called him the crag in my heart? i suppose i did it to his face and never knew. i seem to think right out loud when i am with him and feel out loud, too. i ignored his levity, that was out of place when he saw how my brain was beginning to work well and rapidly. "you mean, don't you, jamie, that you want to get glendale past this place that is--humiliating--swimming with her head up?" i asked softly past a rose that drooped against my cheek. perfectly justifiable tears came to my lashes as i thought what a humiliation it all was to him and the rest of them, to be passed by an opportunity like that and left to die in their gray moldiness off the main line of life--shelved. "that is one of my prayers, to get past humiliations, swimming with my head up," i added softly, though i blushed from my toes to my top curl at the necessity that had called out the prayer the last time. it's awful on a woman to feel herself growing up stiff and sturdy by a man's side and then to get sight of a gourd-vine tangling itself up between them. i'm the dryad out of one of my own twin oaks down by the gate, and i want the other twin to be-i wonder if his eyes really look to other women like deep gray pools that you can look deeper and deeper into and never seem to get to the bottom, no matter if the look does seem to last forever and you feel yourself blushing and wanting to take your eyes away, or if it is just i that get so drowned in them! "you've a gallant stroke, evelina," he said softly, as i at last gained possession of my own sight. "and here i am with a hand out to you for assistance in carrying out your own plan that seems to be just the thing to--" "say, cousin james. aunt marfy says for you to come home to breakfast right away. mis' hargrove won't let nobody begin until you says the blessing, and cousin jasmine have got the headache from waiting for her coffee. what do you want to fool with evelina this time of day for anyway?" and with the delivery of which message and reproof henrietta stood on the edge of the path looking down upon us with great and scornful interest. "you've got on your night shirt and haven't combed your hair or washed your face," she continued sternly. "there'll be hell to pay with all the breakfast getting cold, and i'm empty down to my feet. come on, quick!" "henrietta," i said, sternly, as i rose to my feet, "i've asked you once not to say ugly words like that." "i'll go make the lightning toilet, henrietta. do run like a good girl and ask mrs. hargrove to let cousin jasmine have her cup of coffee right away. i'll be there before the rest are dead from hunger," and cousin james skilfully interrupted the threatened feminine clash as he emptied my glass bowl into his tin can and stuck the sharp stick in the ground for future reference. even henrietta's pointed allusion to his toilet had not in the least ruffled his equanimity or brought a shade of consciousness to his face. "mis' hargrove said that the bible said not for any woman to say a blessing at any table or at any place that anybody can hear her, when cousin marfy wanted to be polite to the lord by saying just a little one and go on before we was all too hungry," answered henrietta, in her most scornfully tolerant voice. "if women eat out loud before everybody why can't they pray their thank-you out loud like any man?" "answer her, evelina," laughed cousin james, as he hurried down the walk away from us. "henrietta," i asked, in a calmly argumentative tone of voice as she and i walked up the path to the house, "didn't mr. haley talk to you just yesterday and tell you how wicked it is for you to use--use such strong words as you do?" mr. haley had told me just a few days ago that he and aunt augusta had agreed to open their campaign of reform on henrietta by a pastoral lecture from him, to be followed strongly by a neighborly one from her. "no, he never did any such thing," answered henrietta, promptly--and what henrietta says is always the truth, because she isn't afraid of anybody or anything enough to tell a lie---"he just telled me over and over in a whole lot of words how i ought to love and be good to sallie. if i was to love sallie that kind of way, he said, i would be so busy i couldn't do none of the things sallie don't like to do herself and makes me do. 'stid er saying, 'my precious mother, i love you and want to be good because you want me to,' about every hour, i had better wipe the twins' noses, and wash the dirt often them, and light aunt dilsie's phthisic pipe, and get things upstairs for sallie and miss jasmine and everybody when they are downstairs. i'm too busy, i am, to be so religious. and i'm too hungry to talk any more about it." with which she departed. i sank on the side steps and laughed until a busy old bumble-bee came down from a late honeysuckle blossom and buzzed around to see what it was all about. henrietta's statement of the case was a graphic and just one. sallie has got a tendril around henrietta which grows by the day. poor tot, she does have a hard and hardening time--and how can i lecture her for swearing? with a train of thought started by henrietta i sat at my solitary breakfast in a deeply contemplative mood. life was going to press hard on henrietta. and reared in the fossilized atmosphere of widegables, which tried to draw all its six separate feminine breaths as one with a lone, supporting man, how was she to develop the biceps of strength of mind and soul, as well as body, to meet the conditions she was likely to have to meet? still her coming tussle with aunt augusta would be a tonic at least. i was just breaking a last muffin and beginning to smile when i saw a delegation coming down the street and turning into my front gate; i rose to meet it with distinction. aunt augusta marched at the head and nell and caroline were on each side of her, while sallie and mamie hall brought up the rear, walking more deliberately and each carrying a baby, comparing some sort of white tags of sewing. cousin martha was crossing the road in their wake with her knitting bag and palm leaf fan. one thing i am proud of having accomplished this summer is the establishing of friendly relations with aunt augusta. i made up my mind that she probably needed to have some of my affection ladled out to her more than anybody in glendale, and i worked on all the volatile fear and resentment and dislike i had ever had for her all my life, and i have succeeded in liquefying it into a genuine liking for the martial old personality. if aunt augusta had been a man she would have probably led a regiment up san juan hill, died in the trenches, and covered herself and family with glory. she is the newest woman in the harpeth valley, and though sixty years old, she is lineally sallie carruthers's own granddaughter. "evelina," she began, as soon as she had martialed her forces into rocking-chairs, though she had jasper bring her the stiffest and straightest-backed one in the house, "i have collected as many women as i had time to, and have come up here to tell you, and them, that the men in glendale are so lacking in sense and judgment that the time has come for women to stand forth and assume the responsibility of them and glendale in general. as the wife of the poor decrepit mayor, i appoint myself chairman of the meeting pro tem and ask you to take the first minutes. if disgrace is threatening us we must at least face it in an orderly and parliamentary way. and i--" "oh, mrs. shelby, is it--is it smallpox?" and as sallie spoke she hugged up the puppy baby, who happened to be the twin in her arms, so that she bubbled and giggled, mistaking her embraces for those of frolicsome affection. mamie turned pale and held her baby tight and i could see that she was having light spasms of alarm, one for each one of the children and one for ned. "smallpox, fiddlesticks--i said disgrace, sallie carruthers, and the worst kind of disgrace--municipal disgrace." and as aunt augusta named the plague that was to come upon us, she looked as if she expected it to wilt us all into sear and dried leaves. and in point of fact, we all did rustle. "tell us about it," said nell, with sparkling eyes and sitting up in her low rocker as straight as aunt augusta did in her uncompromising seat. the rest of them just looked helpless and undecided as to whether to be relieved or not. "yes, municipal disgrace threatens the town, and the women must rise in their strength and avert it," she declaimed majestically with her dark eyes snapping. "yesterday afternoon james hardin, who is the only patriotic male in glendale, put before the town council a most reasonable and pride-bestirring proposition originated by evelina shelby, one of glendale's leading citizens, though a woman. she wants to offer the far-famed hospitality of glendale--which is the oldest and most aristocratic town in the harpeth valley, except perhaps hillsboro, and which is not in the class with a vulgarly rich, modern place like bolivar, that has a soap-factory and streetcars, and was a mud-hole in the landscape when the first shelby built this very house,--to the commission of magnates who are to come down about the railroad lines that are to be laid near us. james agrees with her and urges that it is fitting and dignified that, when they are through with their vulgar trafficking over at insignificant bolivar, they be asked to partake of real southern hospitality at its fountain head, especially as evelina is obliged to invite two of them as personal friends. do you not see it in that light?" and aunt augusta looked at us with the martial mien of a general commanding his army for a campaign. "it would be nice," answered mamie, as she turned little ned over on his stomach across her knee and began to sway him and trot him at the same time, which was his signal to get off into a nap. "but ned said last night that he had lost so much in the bond subscription, that he didn't feel like spending any more money for an entertainment, that wouldn't do one bit of good about the taxes or bonds or anything. the baby was beginning to fret, so i don't think i understood it exactly." "i don't think you did," answered aunt augusta, witheringly, "that is not the point at all, and--" "but mr. greenfield said last night, while he was discussing it with father, that it would do no good whatever and probably be an embarrassment to the commission, our putting in a pitiful bid like that. he--" but caroline got no further with the feminine echo of her masculine opinion-former. "peter shelby put that objection much more picturesquely than lee greenfield," aunt augusta snapped. "he said that licking those men's hands would turn his stomach, after swallowing that bond issue. however, all this has nothing to do with the case. i am trying to--" "polk said last night that he thought it would be much more spectacular for all the good looking women in town to go when we are invited to mrs. henderson's tea for the big bugs, and dazzle 'em so that it would at least put glendale on the map," said nell, with spirit. "he made me so mad that i--" "mr. haley thinks that we should be very careful not to feel malice or envy towards bolivar, but to rejoice at their good fortune in getting both roads and the shops, even if it does mean a loss to us. what is material wealth in this world anyway when we can depend so on--" sallie's expression was so beautifully silly and like the dominie's, that it was all that i could do not to give vent to an unworthy shout. nell saw it as i did and i felt her smother a giggle. but before aunt augusta could get her breath to put the crux of the matter straight before her feminine tribunal, aunt martha beat her to it as she placidly rocked back and forth knitting lace for a petticoat for henrietta. "of course, glendale doesn't really care about the railroad; in fact, we would much rather not have our seclusion broken in upon, especially as they might choose the route they have prospected"--with a glance at sallie--"but it is to show them our friendliness, more bolivar than the actual commission, and our desire to rejoice with them in their good fortune. it would be very mean spirited of us to ignore them and not assist them in entertaining their guests, especially as some of them must be invited. we've never been in such an attitude as that to bolivar!" "exactly, martha," answered aunt augusta with relief. "the thought of proud old glendale putting herself in an attitude of municipal sulks towards common bolivar seemed an unbearable disgrace to me. didn't we invite them up for a great fish-fry on the river when they opened that odious soap factory, and ask them to let us help take care of some of their delegates when they had the methodist conference? they sent one of the two bishops to you, you remember, martha, and i am sure your entertainment of him was so lavish that he went home ill. no man said us nay in the exercising our right of religious hospitality, why should they in our civic? we must not allow the town to put us in such an attitude! must not! it was for this that i called this meeting at evelina's, as she was the one to propose this public-spirited and creditable plan." "but what shall we do if they don't want to have it?" asked mamie. "i have asked, when did the men of glendale begin to dictate to the women as to whom they should offer their hospitality?" answered aunt augusta, as she arose to her feet. "are we free women, and have we, or have we not, command of our own storerooms and our own servants and our own time and strength?" and as i looked up at the tall, fierce, white-haired old dame of high degree, daughter of the women of the colonies and the women of the wilderness days, i got exactly the same sensation i had when i saw the goddess of liberty loom up out of the mist as i sailed into the harbor of my own land from a foreign one. and what i was feeling i knew every woman present was feeling in a greater or less degree, except perhaps sallie, for her face was a puzzle of sore amazement and a pleading desire for further sleep. "have we or have we not?" aunt augusta again demanded, and just then a most wonderful thing happened! jane stood in our midst! oh, jane, you were a miracle to me, but i must go on writing about it all calmly for the sake of the five! i made a mad rush from my rocker to throw myself into her arms, but she stopped me with one glance of her cold, official eye that quelled me, and stood attention before aunt augusta. "madam president," she said in her grandest parliamentary voice, "it was by accident that i interrupted the proceedings of what i take to be an official meeting. have i your permission to withdraw? i am miss shelby's guest, miss mathers, and i can easily await her greetings until the adjournment of this body." oh, jane, and my arms just hungry for you! "madam," answered aunt augusta, in her grandest manner and a voice so filled with cordiality that i hardly knew it, "it is the pleasure of the chair to interrupt proceedings and to welcome you. evelina, introduce us all!" it was all just glorious! i never saw anybody get a more lovely ovation than jane did from my friends, for they had all heard about her, read with awe clippings i showed them about her speeches and--were about ready for her. sallie kissed her on both cheeks, mamie laid the baby in her arms with a devout expression, and nell clung to her with the rapture of the newly proselyted in her face. aunt martha made her welcome in her dearest manner and caroline beamed on her with the return of a lot of the fire and spirit of the youth that hanging on the doled-out affections of lee greenfield had starved in her. and it was characteristic of jane and her methods that it took much less time than it takes me to write it, for her to get all the greetings over with, explain that she had sent me a letter telling me that she was coming that must have gone astray, get everybody named and ticketed in her mind, and get us all back to business. aunt augusta explained the situation to her with so much feeling and eloquence that she swept us all off our feet, and when she was ready to put the question again to us as to our willingness to embark on our defiance of our fellow-townsmen, the answer of enthusiastic acquiescence was ready for her. "of course, as none of you have any official municipal status, the invitation will have to be given informally, in a social way, to the commission through miss shelby's friend, mr. richard hall," said jane, when aunt augusta had called on her to give us her opinion of the situation in general and the mode of procedure. "we find it best in all women-questions of the present, to do things in a perfectly legal and parliamentary way." "must we tell them about it or not?" asked mamie, in a wavering voice, looking up devoutly at jane, who had held young ned against the stiff white linen shirt of her traveling dress just as comfortably as if he were her own seventh. "did they consult you before deciding to refuse your suggestion?" asked jane, calmly and thoughtfully. "they did not," trumpeted aunt augusta. "then wouldn't it be the most regular way to proceed to get an acceptance of the invitation from the commission and then extend them one to be present?" pronounced jane, coolly, seemingly totally unconscious that she was exploding; a bomb shell. "it would, and we will consider it so settled," answered aunt augusta, dominatingly. this quick and revolutionary decision gave me a shock. i could see that a woman doesn't like to feel that there is a stick of dynamite between her and a man, when she puts her head down under his chin or her cheek to his, but advanced women must suffer that. still i'm glad that the crag is on our side of the fence. i felt sorry for mamie and caroline--and sallie looked a tragedy. in fact, a shade of depression was about to steal over the spirits of the meeting when aunt augusta luckily called for the discussion of plans for the rally. feeding other human beings is the natural, instituted, physiological, pathological, metaphysical, and spiritual outlet for a woman's nature, and that is why she is so happy when she gets out her family receipt book for a called rehearsal for the functioning of her hospitality. the revolution went home happy and excited over the martialing of their flesh pots. i'm glad jane is asleep across the hall to-night. if i had had to shoulder all this outbreak by myself i would have compromised by instituting a campaign of wheedling, the like of which this town never suffered before, and then when this glorious rally was finally pulled off, the cajoled masculine population would have fairly swelled with pride over having done it! of course, by every known test of conduct and economics, their attitude in the matter is entirely right. men work to all given points in straight, clear-cut, logical lines only to find women at the point of results waiting for them, with unforeseen culminations, which would have been impossible to them. and i am also glad the crag is partly responsible for starting, or at least unconsciously aiding, this scheme in high finance of mine; and he is also in reality the silent sponsor for this unhatched revolution. i am deeply contented to go to sleep with that comforting; thought tucked under my pillow. chapter viii an attained to-morrow i've changed my mind about a woman's being like a whirlwind. the women of now are the attained to-morrow that the world since the beginning has been trying to catch up with. jane is that, and then the day after, too, and what she has done to glendale in these two weeks has stunned the old town into a trance of delight and amazement. she has recreated us, breathed the breath of modernity into us, and started the machine up the grade of civilization at a pace that makes me hold my breath for fear of something jolting us. she and aunt augusta have organized an equality league, and that wheel came very near flying loose and being the finish of uncle peter. he came to see me the morning of the first meeting and, when i saw him coming up the front walk, i got an astral vision of the chips on his shoulder enlarged to twice their natural size, and called to jasper to mix the juleps very long and extra deep. but deep as they were, to the very top of the longest glasses, he couldn't drown his wrath in his. "women, women," he exploded from over the very mint sprig itself, "all fools, all fools from the beginning of time; made that way on purpose--on purpose--hey? world needs some sort of creature with no better sense than to want to spend their lives fooling with babies and the bread of life. human young and religion are the only things in the world men can't attend to for themselves and that's what they need women for. women with no brains--but all heart--all heart--hey?" "why should just a little brain hurt their heart-action. uncle peter?" i asked mildly. there is nothing in the world that i ever met that i enjoy any more than one of uncle peter's rages, and i always try to be meekly inflammatory. "they're never satisfied with using them to run church societies and children's internal organs, but they want to use 'em on men and civilization in general. where'd you get that yankee school-marm--hey? why don't she get a husband and a baby and settle down? ten babies, twenty babies if necessary--hey?" "you are entirely mistaken as to the plans that jane and aunt augusta have for the league they are forming this morning, uncle peter." i began to say with delight as to what was likely to ensue. "if you would only listen to jane while she--" "don't want to hear a word she has to say! all 'as the crackling of thorns under a pot'--all the talk of fools." "but surely you are not afraid to listen to her, uncle peter," i dared to say, and then stood away. "afraid, afraid--never was afraid of anybody in my life, augusta not excepted!" he exclaimed, as he rose in his wrath. "the men of this town will show the uprising hussies what we think of 'em, and put 'em back to the heels of men, where they belong--belong--hey?" and before i could remonstrate with him he was marching down the street like a whole regiment out on a charge that was to be one of extermination, or complete surrender. the crag told me that evening that the mayor's office of glendale had reeked of brimstone, for hours, and the next sunday aunt augusta sat in their pew at church, militantly alone, while he occupied a seat in the farthest limits of the amen corner, with equal militancy. but uncle peter's attitude during the time of jane's campaign for general equality in glendale was pathetically like that of an old log, that has been drifting comfortably down the stream of life with the tide that bore its comrades, and suddenly got its end stuck in the mud so that it was forced to stem alone the very tide it had been floating on. jane didn't throw any rocks at anybody's opinions or break the windows of anybody's prejudices. she had the most lovely heart to heart talks with the women separately, collectively, and in both small and large bunches. i had them in to tea in the combinations that she wanted them, and i must say that she was the loveliest thing with them that could be imagined. she was just her stiff, ugly self, starchily clad in the most beautifully tailored white linen, and they all went mad about her. the pup and the kit clutched at her skirts until anybody else would have been a mass of wrinkles, and the left breast of her linen blouse did always bear a slight impress of little ned's head. the congeniality of jane and that baby was a revelation to me and his colic ceased after the first time she kneaded it out of his fat little stomach with her long, slim, powerful hands according to a first-aid method she had learned in her settlement work, with mamie looking on in fear and adoration. it may have been bloodless surgery but i suspect it of being partly hypnotism, because the same sort of surgery was used on the minds of all my women friends and with a like result. the subject of the rally was a fine one for everybody to get together on from the start and, before any of them realized that they were doing anything but plan out the details of a big spread, the like of which they had been doing for hospitable generations, for the railroad commission, they were organized into a flourishing equality league, with officers and by-laws and a sinking fund in the treasury. "now, evelina," said jane, as she sat on the edge of my bed braiding her heavy, sleek, black braid that is as big as my wrist and that she declares is her one beauty, though she ought to know that her straight, strong-figure, ruddy complexion, aroma of strength and keen, near-sighted eyes are--well, if not beauties, something very winning, "we must not allow the men time to get sore over this matter of the league. we must make them feel immediately that they are needed and wanted intensely in the movement. they must be asked to take their place, shoulder to shoulder, with us in this fight for better conditions for the world and mankind in general. true to our theory we must offer them our comradely affection and openly and honestly express our need of them in our lives and in our activities. i was talking to mrs. carruthers and nell and mrs. hall and caroline, as well as your cousin martha, about it this afternoon and they all agreed with me that the men would have cause to be aggrieved at us about seeming thus to be organizing a life for ourselves apart from theirs, with no place in it provided for them. mrs. carruthers said that she had felt that the reverend mr. haley had been deeply hurt already at not being masked to open any of the meetings with prayer, and she volunteered to talk to him and express for herself and us our need of him." "that will be easy for sallie, for she has been expressing need of people in her fife as long as she has been living it," i answered with a good-natured laugh, though i would have liked to have that interview with the dominie myself. he is so enthusiastic that i like to bask in him once in a while. [illustration: "we must not allow the men to get sore over this matter of the league"] "i asked young mr. hayes to take me fishing with him to-morrow in order to have a whole quiet day with him alone so that we could get closely in touch with each other. i have had very little opportunity to talk with him, but i have felt his sympathy in several interested glances we have exchanged with each other. i am looking forward to the establishment of a perfect friendship with him." i told myself that i was mistaken in thinking that the expression in jane's eyes was softened to the verge of dreaminess and my inmost soul shouted at the idea of jane and polk and their day alone in the woods. since that night that polk humiliated me as completely as a man can humiliate a woman, he has looked at me like a whipped child, and i haven't looked at him at all i have used jane as a wide-spread fan behind which to hide from him. how was i to know what was going on on the other side of the fan? it is a relief to realize that in the world there are at least a few women like jane that don't have to be protected from polk and his kind. jane is one of the hunted that has turned and has come back to meet the pursuer with outstretched and disarming hand. this, i suspect, is to be about her first real tussle; skoal to the victor! "i advised your aunt augusta to ask you to talk again to your uncle peter, and nell is to seek an interview with mr. hardin at her earliest opportunity, though i think the only result will be instruction and uplift for nell, as a more illumined thing i never had said to me on the subject of the relation of men and women than the one he uttered to me last night, as he said good-by to me out on the porch in that glorious moonlight that seems brighter here in glendale than i have ever seen it out in the world anywhere else." "what did he say?" i asked perfectly naturally, though a double-bladed pain was twisted around in my solar plexus as the vision of jane's last night interview in the moonlight with the crag, and nell's soon-to-be-one, hit me broadside at the same time. i haven't had one by myself with him for a week. "why, of course, women are the breath that men draw into their lungs of life to supply eternal combustion," was what he said when i asked him point-blank what he thought of the league. "only let us breathe slowly as we ascend to still greater elevations with their consequent rarefied air," he added, with the most heavenly thoughtfulness in his fine face. "did it ever occur to you, evelina, that your cousin james is really a radiantly beautiful man? how could you be so mistaken, as to both him and his personal appearance, as to apply such a name as crag to him?" glendale is going to jane's head! "don't you think he looks scraggy in that long-tailed coat, shocks of taggy hair and a collar big enough to fit old harpeth?" i asked deceitfully. why shouldn't i tell jane what i really thought of cousin james and discuss him broadly and frankly? i don't know! lately i don't want to think about him or have anybody mention him in my presence. i've got a consciousness of him way off in a corner of me somewhere and i'm just brooding over it. everybody in town has been in this house since jane has been here, all the time, and i haven't seen him alone for ages it seems. maybe that's why i have had to make a desert island inside myself to take him to. "and i have been thinking since you told me of the situation in which he and mrs. carruthers have been placed by this financial catastrophe, how wonderful it will be if love really does come to them, when her grief is healed by time. he will rear her interesting children into women that will be invaluable to the commonwealth," jane continued as she tied a blue bow on the end of her long black plait. "do you think that there--there are any signs of--of such a thing yet?" i asked with pitiful weakness as i wilted down into my pillow. "just a bit in his manner to her, though i may be influenced in my judgment by the evident suitability of such a solution of the situation," she answered as she settled herself back against one of the posts of my high old bed and looked me clean through and through, even unto the shores of that desert island itself. "i hope you have been noting these different emotional situations and reactions among your friends carefully in your record, evelina," she continued in an interested and biological tone of voice and expression of eye. "in a small community like this it is much easier to get at the real underlying motive of such things than it is in a more complicated civilization. i have seen you transcribing notes into our book. since i have come to glendale i am more firmly determined than ever that the attitude of emotional equality that we determined upon in the spring is the true solution of most of the complicated man-and-woman problems. i am anxious to see it tried out in five other different communities that we will select. i would not seem to be indelicate, dear, but i do not see any signs of your having been especially drawn emotionally towards any of your friends, though your attitude of sisterly comradeship and frankness with them is more beautiful than i thought it was possible for such a thing to be. you are not being tempted to shirk any of your duties of womanhood because of your interest in your art, are you? i will confess to you that the thing that brought me down upon you was your news of this commission for the series of station-gardens. i think you will probably work better after this side of your nature is at rest. of course, a union with mr. hall would be ideal for you. you must consider it seriously." the "must" in jane's voice sounded exactly like that "must" looked in richard's telegram, which has been enforced with others just as emphatic ever since. there are some men who are big enough to take a woman with a wound in her heart and heal both it and her by their love. richard is one of that kind. what could any woman want more than her work and a man like that? after jane had laid her strong-minded head on the hard pillow, that i had had to have concocted out of bats of cotton for her, i laid my face against my own made of the soft breast feathers of a white flock of hovering hen-mothers and wept on their softness. a light was burning down in the lodge at the gate of widegables. he hasn't gone back to his room to sleep, even when i have jane's strong-mindedness in the house with me. i remember that i gave my word of honor to myself that i wouldn't try any of my modern emotional experiments on him the first night i slept in this house alone, with only him over there to keep me from dying with primitive woman fright. i shall keep my word to myself and propose to richard if my contract with jane and the five seems to call for it. in the meantime if i choose to cry myself to sleep it is nobody's business. i wonder if a mist rises up to heaven every night from all the woman-tears in all the world, and if god sees it, as it clings damp around the hem of his garment, and smiles with such warm understanding that it vanishes in a soft glow of sleep that he sends down to us! jane has arisen early several mornings and spent an hour before breakfast composing a masterly and machiavellian letter of invitation from the equality league to the inhabitants of glendale and the surrounding countryside to and beyond bolivar to attend the rally given by them in honor of the c. & g. railroad commission on tuesday next. it is to come out to-day in the weekly papers of glendale, bolivar, hillsboro, and providence, and i hope there will not be so many cases of heart-failure from rage that the gloom of many funerals will put out the light of the rally. i hope no man will beat any woman in the harpeth valley for it, and if he does, i hope he will do it so neither jane nor i will hear of it. it was aunt augusta who thought up the insulting and incendiary plan of having the rally as an offering of hospitality from the league, and i hope if uncle peter is going to die over it he will not have the final explosion in my presence. privately i spent a dollar and a half sending a night-letter to richard all about it and asking him if the commissioners would be willing to stand for this feminist plank in the barbecue deal. he had sent me the nicest letter of acceptance from the board when i had written the invitation to them through him, as coming from the perfectly ladylike feminine population of glendale, and i didn't like to get them into a woman-whirlwind without their own consent. i paid the boy at the telegraph office five dollars not to talk about the matter to a human soul, and threatened to have him dismissed if he did, so the bomb-shell was kept in until this afternoon. richard replied to the telegram with characteristic directness: delighted to be in at the fight. seven of us rabid suffragists, two on the fence, and a half roast pig will convert the other. found no answer to my question in letter of last tuesday. must! richard. it was nice of jane to write out and get ready her bomb-shell and then go off with polk, so as not to see it explode. but i'm glad she did. however, i did advise her to take a copy of it along with the reels and the lunch-basket to read to him, as a starter of their day to be devoted to the establishment of a perfect friendship between them. polk didn't look at me even once as i helped pack them and their traps into his hupp, but solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like polk in his white flannels, and he and jane made a picture of perfectly blended tailored smartness as they got ready for the break-away. there are some men that acquire feminine obligations as rough cheviot does lint and henrietta is one of polk's when it comes to the fishing days. he takes her so often that she thinks she owns him and all the trout in little harpeth, and she landed in the midst of the picnic with her fighting clothes on. "where are you and her going at,--fishing?" she asked in a calmly controlled voice that both of them had heard before, and which made us quail in our boots and metaphorically duck our heads. "yes, we--er thought we would," he answered with an uncertainty of voice and manner that bespoke abject fear. "i'll be d---if you shall," came the explosion, hot and loud. "i want to go fishing with you, polk, my own self, and she ain't no good for nothing any way. you can't take her!" "henrietta!" i both beseeched and commanded in one breath. "no, she ain't no good at all," was reiterated in the stormy young voice as henrietta caught hold of the nose of the panting hupp and stood directly in the path of destruction, if polk had turned the driving wheel a hair's breadth. "uncle peter says that she is er going to turn the devil loose in glendale, so they won't be no more whisky and no more babies borned and men will get they noses rubbed in their plates, if they don't eat the awful truck she is er going to teach the women to cook for their husbands. an' the men won't marry no more then at all, and i'll have to be a old maid like her." now, why did i write weeks ago that i would like to witness an encounter between jane and henrietta! i didn't mean it, but i got it! without ruffling a hair or changing color jane stepped out of the hupp and faced the foe. henrietta is a tiny scrap of a woman, intense in a wild, beautiful, almost hunted kind of way, and she is so thin that it makes my heart ache. she is being fairly crushed with the beautiful depending weight of her mother and the responsibility of the twins, and somehow she is most pathetic. i made a motion to step between her and jane, but one look in jane's face stopped me. "dear," she said, in her rich, throaty, strong voice as she looked pleadingly at the militant midget facing her. suddenly i was that lonesome, homesick freshman by the waters of lake waban, with jane's awkward young arm around me, and i stood aside to let henrietta come into her heritage of jane. "don't you want to come with us?" was the soft question that followed the commanding word of endearment. "no!" was the short, but slightly mollified answer as henrietta dug her toes into the dust and began to look fascinated. "i'm glad you don't want to come, because i've got some very important business to ask you to attend to for me," answered jane, in the brisk tone of voice she uses in doing business with women, and which interests them intensely by its very novelty and flatters them by seeming to endow them with a kind of brain they didn't know they possessed. "i want you to go upstairs and get my pocketbook. be careful, for there is over a hundred dollars in the roll of bills--evelina will give you the key to the desk--and go down to the drug store where they keep nice little clocks and buy me the best one they have. then please you wind it up yourself and watch it all day to see if it keeps time with the clock in your hall, and if it varies more than one minute, take it back and get another. while you are in the drug store, if you have time, won't you please select me a new tooth-brush and some nice kind of paste that you think is good? make them show you all they have. pay for it out of one of the bills." "want any good, smelly soap?" i came out of my trance of absolute admiration to hear henrietta ask in the capable voice of a secretary to a millionaire. her thin little face was flushed with excitement and importance, and she edged two feet nearer the charmer. "it would be a good thing to get about a half dozen cakes, wouldn't it?" answered jane, with slight uncertainty in her voice as if leaving the decision of the matter partly to henrietta. "yes, i believe i would," henrietta decided judicially. "the 'new mown hay' is what jasper got for petunia because he hit her too hard last week and swelled her eye. they is a perfumery that goes with it at one quarter a bottle. that makes it all cheaper." "exactly the thing, and we mustn't spend money unnecessarily," jane agreed. "but i don't want to trespass on your time, henrietta, dear," she added with the deference she would have used in speaking to the president of the nation league or the founder of hull house. "no, ma'am, i'm glad to do it, and i'll go quick 'fore it gets any later in the day for me to watch the clock," answered henrietta in stately tones that were very like jane's and which i had never heard her employ before. and before any of the three of us got our breath her bare little feet were flashing up my front walk. "help!" exclaimed polk as he leaned back from his wheel and fanned himself with his hat. "do you use the same methods with grown beasts that you do with cubs?" he added weakly. "it's the same she has always used on me, only this is more dramatic. beware!" i said with a laugh as i insisted on just one squeeze of jane's white linen arm as she was climbing back into the car. "that's a remarkably fine child and she should have good, dependable, business-like habits put in the place of faulty and useless ones. her profanity will make no difference for the present and can be easily corrected. don't interfere with her attending to my commissions, evelina. let's start, mr. hayes." and jane settled herself calmly for the spin out providence road. "all the hundred dollars all by herself, jane?" i called after them. "yes," floated back positively in the wake of the hupp. for several hours i attended to the business of my life in a haze of meditation. if henrietta ticks off the same number of minutes on the woman-clock from jane's standpoint, that jane has marked off from her own mother's, high noon is going to strike before we are ready for it. but it was only an hour or two of high-minded communing with the future that i got the time for, before i was involved in the whirl of dust that swirled around the storm center, to darken and throw a shadow over glendale about the time of the publication of the glendale news, which occurs every thursday near the hour of noon, so that all the subscribers can take that enterprising sheet home to consume while waiting for dinner, and can leave it for the women of their families to enjoy in the afternoon. i suspect that the digestion of jane's equality rally invitation interfered with the digestion of much fried chicken, corn, and sweet potatoes, under the roof-trees of the town and i spent the afternoon in hearing results and keeping up the spirits of the insurgents. caroline came in with her head so high that she had difficulty in seeing over her very slender and aristocratic nose, with a note from lee greenfield which had just come to her, asking her to go with him in his car over to hillsboro to spend the day with tom pollard's wife, a visit he knows she has been dying to make for two months, for she was one of pet's bridesmaids. he made casual and dastardly mention that there would be a moon to come home by, but ignored completely the fact that tuesday was the day on which he had been invited by the league, of which he knew she was a member, to meet and rally around the c. & g. commission. i helped her compose the answer, and i must say we hit lee only in high spots. i could see she was scared to death, and so was i, but her dander was up, and i backed mine up along side it for the purpose of support. besides i feel in my heart that that note will dynamite the rocky old situation between them into something more easily handled. she had just gone to dispatch the missive by their negro gardener when mamie and sallie came clucking in. mamie's face was pink and high-spirited, but sallie was in one complete slump of mind and body. "mr. haley has just stopped by to say that he thinks no price is too great to pay for peace, and fellowship, and good-will in a community," she said, as she dropped into a rocker and looked pensively after the retreating figure of the handsome young dominie, who had accompanied them to the gate but wisely no farther. he didn't know that jane had gone with polk. "and women to pay the price," answered mamie, spiritedly. "i have just told ned that as yet i do not know enough to argue the question of woman's wrongs with him, but i have learned a few of her rights. one of _mine_ is to have him accept any invitation i am responsible for having my friends offer him, and to accompany me to the entertainment if i desire to go. i reminded him that i had not troubled him often as an escort since my marriage. he was so scared that he almost let little ned drop out of his arms, and he got in an awful hurry to go to town, but he asked me to have his gray flannels pressed before tuesday and to buy him a blue tie to go with a new shirt he has. i never like to spank ned or the children, but i must say it does clear the atmosphere." "you don't think we could put it off or--or--" sallie faltered. "no!" answered mamie and i together, and as i spoke i called jasper to set out more rockers and have petunia get the tea-tray ready, for i saw aunt augusta go across the road to collect cousin martha and mrs. hargrove and the rest, while nell whirled by in her rakish little car on her way to the square and called that she would be back. when nell used a thousand dollars of her own money, left her by her grandmother, to buy that little buick, glendale promptly had a spell of epilepsy that lasted for days. the whole town still dodges and swears when it sees her coming, for she drives with a combination of feminine recklessness and masculine speed that is to say the least alarming. to see aunt augusta out for a spin with her is a delicious sight. and it was most interesting to listen to a minute description of the composite fit thrown by the male population of glendale, at their rally invitation, but as time was limited i finally coaxed the conversation around to the subject of the viands to be offered the lordly creatures in the way of propitiation for the insult that we were forcing them to swallow by taking matters in our own hands, and then we had a really glorious time. i am glad i have had a year or more in paris, months in italy, weeks in berlin, and a sojourn in england, just so that i can be sure myself and assure the others with authority that there are no such cooks in all the world as the women in the harpeth valley of tennessee, united states of america. the afternoon wore away on the wings of magic, and the long, purple shadows were falling across the street, a rustle of cool night wind was stirring the tree-tops and the first star was coming timidly out into the gloaming, before they all realized that it was time to hurry and scurry under roof-trees. lee greenfield was waiting at the gate for caroline. just as henrietta had taken a last peep at the clock on the hall table and gone to answer sallie's call to come and help aunt dilsie in the bedding of the kitten and the pup, polk's hupp stopped at the gate, and he and jane came up the front walk in the twilight together. she had on his flannel coat over her linen one and his expression was one of glorified and translucent daze. i didn't look at her--i felt as if i couldn't. i was scared! for a second she held me in her arms and kissed me, _really_--the first time she had ever done it in all my life--and then went on upstairs with a nice, cool good-night and "thank you" to polk. "evelina," he said, as he handed me the empty lunch-basket and also the empty fish-bucket, the first he had ever in his life brought in from little harpeth, "i was right about that hallelujah chorus being the true definition of the real woman--only they are more so. i have seen a light, and you pointed the way. will you forgive me for being what i was--and trust me--with--with--good-night!" he was gone! jane's kiss had been one of revelation--to me! for a long time i sat out there in the cool, hazy, windy autumn twilight breeze, that was heavy with the scent of luscious wild grapes and tasseled corn, fanning the flame of loneliness in me until i couldn't have stood it any longer if a tall gray figure of relief had not come up the street and called me down to my front gate. "hail the instigator of a bloodless revolution," laughed the crag as i stopped myself with difficulty on the opposite side of the gate from him. "the city fathers will have to capitulate, and now for the reign of the mothers!" "and the same old route to subjection chosen, through their stomachs to their civic hearts," i answered impudently. overlooking my pertness he went on: "mayor shelby was at home with mrs. augusta for two hours after dinner and, as i came by the post-office, i heard him telling polk in remarkably chastened, if not entirely chaste language, that it was 'better to let the women have their kick-up on a feeding proposition than on something worse,' as he classically put it." "i know it is a great victory," i answered weakly, "but i'm too tired to glory in it. i wish i was sallie's puppy being trotted across aunt dilsie's knee, or kit, getting a rocking in cousin martha's arms." "would any other arms do for the rocking?" came in a queer, audacious voice, with a note in it that stilled something in me and made all the world seem to be holding its breath. "i'm tired of revoluting and it's--it's tenderness i want," i faltered in a voice that hardly seemed strong enough to get so far up out of my heart as to reach the ears of the crag as he bent his head down close over mine. he had come on my side of the gate at the first weak little cry i had let myself make a minute or two before. [illustration: "is this right?" he asked] "is this right?" he asked, as he gently took me in his arms, hollowed his shoulder for a place for my head, and leaning against the old gate he began to swing me gently to and fro, his cheek against my hair and humming aunt dilsie's "swing low sweet chariot, fer to carry me home." it was. i know now what i want and i am going to have it. i'll fight the whole world with naked hands for him. and i'm also going to find some way to get him with all his absurd niceties of honor intact, just because that will make him happier. i'll begin at the beginning and some way unclasp those gourdy tendrils that sallie has been strangling him with. i will bunch all the rest of his feminine collection and take them on my own hands. i'm going to make a governor out of him, and then a united states senator and finally a supreme judge. help! think of the old mossback being a progressive, but that's my party and jane's. i know he is going to hate terribly to have me ask him to marry me, and i hate to hurt him so, but it is my duty to get jane's fifty thousand dollars so the five may be as happy as i am to-night; only there aren't five other crags. i know it will be a life-long mortification to him to have me do it, but he lost his chance to-night grand-mothering me. still, i did turn my lips away. i was not quite ready then--i am now. if he wants to go on wearing clothes like that i'm going to let him, even on the senate floor, but i can't ever stand for cousin jasmine to cut his hair any more. i want to do it myself, and i'm going to tell her so, and why. she and i have cried over that miniature of the lost young confederate cousin of hers and she'll understand me. but as i think it over--it always is best to be kind, and i believe i'll let him get through this rally--it's just four days--free and happy man. i don't know whether to go in and wake up jane or not. i would like to go to sleep with that kiss revelation between us, but maybe it is my duty to the five to extract some data from her while it is fresh, on the foam. i am afraid it is going to go hard with her, but somehow i have a newborn faith in polk that makes me feel that he will make it as easy as he can for her. isn't it a glorious thing to realize that neither she nor i will have to sit and be tortured by waiting to see what those men are going to do? chapter ix dynamite when a man injures a woman's feelings by any particular course of conduct to which she objects, the maternal in her rises to the surface and she treats and forgives him as she would a naughty child,--but a man makes any kind of woman-affront into a lover's quarrel. that is what masculine glendale has been doing to its women folks for four days, and i believe everybody has been secretly enjoying it. as to the rally, they have stood aside with their hands in their pockets and their noses in the air, and if it hadn't been for aunt augusta and nell and jane being natural-born carpenters and draymen, we might have had to give it up and let them go on with it to their own glory. when nell and jane went to see mr. dodd about building the long tables to serve the barbecue dinner on, he said he was too busy to do it and hadn't even any lumber to sell. then things happened in my back yard that it sounds like a romance to write about. jane sent me over to borrow the crag's team and wagon and henrietta and cousin martha and any of the rest of his woman-impedimenta that i could get. he was out of town, trying a case over at bolivar, and wouldn't get back until monday night. i am glad he wasn't here, for it would have gone hard with me to treat him in the manner that jane decided it was best for all the women in glendale to treat all the men in this crisis. it sounded sweet and cold as molasses dispenses itself to you in midwinter, and i could see it was a strain on mamie and caroline and mrs. kirkland, nell's mother, and young mrs. dodd, the carpenter's wife,--the boston girl that married him before she realized him,--to keep it up from day to day. besides that i'm going to be a politician's wife--though he doesn't know it yet--and i want the crag to be away from the necessity of taking any sides in this civilized warfare. that's one reason i am such a go-between for uncle peter and the league, i am making votes for my man, so i consider it all right for me never to deliver any of their messages to each other as they are given to me, but to twist them into agreeability to suit myself. sallie said the dominie was entirely on our side and that was why she went walking with him sunday afternoon. all the other men were cool to him and he is so sensitive. but to get back to the back yard. i glory in writing it and want the five to consider it as almost sacred data, though i hope they will never have to do likewise. jane and nell and aunt augusta took the two axes and one large hammer and tore down my back fence while i and the others loaded the planks on the wagon. jane appointed henrietta to sit and hold the slow old horses in case they should have got demoralized by the militant atmosphere pervading glendale and try to bolt. i never saw any human being enjoy herself as henrietta did, and it was worth it all just to look into her radiant countenance. jane took all the hard top blows to do herself and left the unloosening of the lower nails to aunt augusta while nell ripped off the planks that stuck. i could almost hear nell's long, polished finger nails go with a rip every time she jerked a particularly tough old plank into subjection, and aunt augusta dispensed encouraging axioms about pioneer work as she banged along behind jane. jane herself looked as cool as a cucumber, didn't get the least bit ruffled, and had the expression on her face that the truly normal woman has while she is hemming a baby's flannel petticoat. and though during the day many delightful crises were precipitated, the most interesting were the expressions that devastated polk hayes's and lee greenfield's faces as they came around the side of the house to see what all that hammering was about. "caroline!" exclaimed lee, in perfect agony, as he beheld the lady of his ardent, though long-restrained, affections poised across the wheel of the wagon tugging at the middle of a heavy plank which mrs. dodd and i were pushing up to her, while mamie, the mother of seven, stood firmly on top of the wagon guiding it into place. "help!" gasped polk, as he started to take the ax from jane by force. then we all stopped while jane quietly gurgled the molasses of the situation to them, and sent them on down the street sadder and wiser men. i thought polk was going to cry on her shoulder before he was finally persuaded to go and leave us to our fate, and the expression on lee's face as he looked up at torn, dirty, perspiring caroline, with a smudge on her nose and blood on her hand from an absolutely insignificant scratch, was such as ought to have been on ned's face as he ought to have been standing by mamie with the asafetida bottle. that's mixed up but the five ought to catch the point. it took up all of saturday afternoon and part of monday morning, but we built those tables, thereby disciplining masculine glendale with a severity that i didn't think could have been in us. we all rested on sunday, that is, ostensibly. jane put down all sorts of things on paper that everybody had to do on monday and on tuesday. henrietta sat by her in a state of trance and it did me good to see sallie out in the hammock at widegables taking care of both the kit and the pup, laboriously assisted by panting aunt dilsie, because jane explained to her so beautifully that she needed a lot of henrietta's time, that sallie acquiesced with good-natured bewilderment. of course, cousin jasmine helped her some, but she was busy aiding cousin martha to beat up some mysterious eggs in the kitchen--with the shutters shut because it was sunday. it was something that takes two days to "set" and was to be the _piã¨ce de rã©sistance_, after the barbecue. mrs. hargrove couldn't help sallie at all with the kiddies, either, because she was looking through all her boxes and bundles for a letter from her son, which she thought said something about favoring woman's rights, and if it is like she thinks it is, she is going to go to the barbecue and get things nice and hot instead of having them brought to her cold. i had hoped to get a few minutes sunday afternoon to myself so i could go up into the garret and look through one of the trunks i brought from paris with me to see how many sets of things i have got left. i am going to need a trousseau pretty soon, and i might need it more suddenly than i expect. i don't see any reason for people's not marrying immediately when they make up their minds, and my half of ours is made up strong enough to decidedly influence rapidity in his. but then i really don't believe that the crag would care very much about the high lights of a trousseau, and it was just as well that nell came in to get me to help her write a letter to national headquarters to know if she could have any kind of assignment in the campaign for the convention to alter the constitution in tennessee when it meets next winter. "have you made up your mind fully to go in for public life, nell?" i asked mildly. "some of your friends might not like it very much and--and--" "if you mean polk hayes, evelina," nell answered with the positiveness that only a very young person can get up the courage to use, "i have forgot that i was ever influenced by his narrow-minded, primitive personality at all. if i ever love and marry it will be a man who can appreciate and further my real woman's destiny." "well, then, that's all right," i answered with such relief in my heart that it must have showed in my voice and face. i had worried about nell since i could see plainly, though she hasn't told me yet, and i am sure he doesn't realize it, that jane had decided folk's destiny. nell is not twenty-one yet and she will find lots of men in the world that will be fully capable of making her believe they feel that way about her destiny, until they succeed in tying her up to using it for the real utilitarian purposes they are sure such a pretty woman is created for. it will take men in general another hundred years yet, and lots of suffering, to realize that a woman's destiny is anything but himself, and get to housekeeping with her on that basis. of course, i see the justice and need of perfect equality in all things between the sexes, emotional equality especially, but i hope the time will never come when men get as hungry to see their women folks as said feminists get to see them, after they have been away about four days out in the harpeth valley. it takes a woman's patience to stand the tug. the crag didn't jog into glendale on his raw-boned old horse until one-thirty monday night. i had been watching down providence road for him from my pillow ever since i put out my light at eleven, because jane had decided that it was our duty to go to bed early so as to be as fresh as possible for the rally in the morning. she had walked to the gate with polk at ten and hadn't come back until eleven, so, of course, she was ready to turn in. it was just foolish, primitive old convention that kept me from slipping on my slippers and dressing-gown--i've got the prettiest ones that ever came across the atlantic, louise de mereton, rue de rivoli, paris--and going down to the gate to see him for just a minute. that second he stood undecided in the middle of the road looking at my darkened house was agony that i'm not going to put up with very much longer. scientifically i feel that i'm thinking life with one lobe of my brain and breathing with one lung. still i made myself go to sleep. everybody believes in god in a different kind of way, and mine satisfies me entirely. i know that the hairs of my head are numbered and that not a sparrow falls; and i don't stop at that. i feel sure that my tears are measured and my smiles are rejoiced over, and when i want a good day to come to me i ask for it and mostly get it. there never was another like the one he sent me down this morning on the first slim ray of dawn that slid over the side of old harpeth! the sun was warm and jolly and hospitable from the arrival of its first rays, but the wind was deliciously cool and bracing and full of the wine of october. it came racing across the fields laden with harvest scents, blustering a bit now and then enough to bring down a shower of nuts or to make the yellow corn in the shocks in the fields rustle ominously of a winter soon to come. the maples on the bluff were garmented in royal crimson brocaded with yellow, the buck-bushes that grew along the edges of the rocks were strung with magenta berries and regiments of tall royal purple iron weeds and yellow-plumed golden-rod were marshaled in squads and clumps for a background for the long tables. jane and i with henrietta were out by the old gray moss rock at the first break of day, installing jasper and petunia and a few of their _confrã¨res_. jasper has always been king of all glendale barbecue-pits and he had had them dug the day before and filled with dry hickory fires all night, and his mien was so haughty that i trembled for the slaves under his command. his basket of "yarbs" was under the side of the rock in hoodoo-like shadows and the wagons of poor, innocent, sacrificed lambs and turkeys and sucking-pigs were backed up by the largest infernal pit. petunia was already elbow deep in a cedar tub of corn meal for the pones, and another minion was shucking late roasting-ears and washing the sweet potatoes to be packed down with the meat by eight o-clock. a wagon was to collect the baked hams and sandwiches and biscuits and confections of all variety and pedigree from the rest of the league at ten o'clock. we didn't know it then but another wagon was already being loaded very privately in town with ice and bottles, glasses and lemons and mint and kegs and schooners. i am awfully glad that the equality league had forgotten all about the wetting up of the rally, because i don't believe we would have been equal to the situation with aunt augusta and jane both prohibition enthusiasts, but it did so promote the sentiment of peace and good cheer during the day for us to all feel that the men had not failed us in a crisis, as well as in the natural qualities inherent in their offering for the feast. there was a whole case of uncle peter's private stock. could human nature have done better than that? but if we did forget to provide the liquids, i am glad we had the foresight to provide other viands enough to feed a regiment, because a whole army came. "evelina," gasped jane, as we stood on the edge of the bluff that commands a view of almost all the harpeth valley stretched out like the very garden of eden itself, crossed by silver creeks, lined with broad roads and mantled in the richness of the harvest haze, "can all those wagons full of people be coming to accept our invitation?" "yes, they're our guests," i answered, with the elation of generations of rally-givers rising in my breast, as i saw the stream of wagons and carriages and buggies, with now and then a motor-car, all approaching glendale from all points of the compass. "have we enough to feed them. jasper?" she turned and asked in still further alarm. "nothing never give out in glendale yit, since we took the cover offen the pits for old hickory in my granddad's time," he answered, with a trace of offense in his voice, as he stood over a half tub of butter mixing in his yarbs with mutterings that sounded like incantations. i drew jane away for i felt that it was no time to disturb him, when the basting of his baked meats was just about to begin. i was glad that about all the countryside had gathered, unhitched their wagons, picketed their horses, and got down to the enjoyment of the day before the motor-cars bringing the distinguished guests had even started from bolivar. it was great to watch the farmers slap neighbors on the back, exchange news and tobacco plugs, while the rosy women folks grouped and ungrouped in radiant good cheer with children squirming and tangling over and under and around the rejoicings. "this, evelina," remarked jane, with controlled emotion in her voice and a mist in her eyes behind their glasses, "is not only the bone and sinew but also the rich red blood in the arteries of our nation. i feel humbled and honored at being permitted to go among them." and the sight of dear old jane "mixing" with those harpeth valley farmer folk was one of the things i have put aside to remember for always. they all knew me, of course, and i was a bit teary at their greetings. big motherly women took me in their arms and younger ones laid their babies in my arms and laughed and cried over me, while every few minutes some rugged old farmer would call out for colonel shelby's "little gal" and look searchingly in my face for the likeness to my fire-eating, old confederate, politician father. but it was jane that took them by storm and kept them, too, through the crisis of the day. jane is the _reveille_ the harpeth valley has been waiting for for fifty years. i thought i was, but jane is it. and it was into an atmosphere of almost hilarious enjoyment that the distinguished commission arrived a few minutes before noon, just as jasper's barbecue-pits were beginning to send forth absolutely maddening aromas. nell whirled up the hill first and turned her buick across the road by the bluff with that rakish skill of hers that always sends my heart into my throat. and whom did she have sitting at her blue, embroidered linen elbow but richard hall himself? good old big, strong dandy dickie, how great it was to see him again, and if i had had my own heart in my breast it would have leaped with delight at the sight of him! but even the crag's that i had exchanged mine for, though it was an entire stranger to dickie, beat fast enough in sympathy with the dance in my eyes to send the color up to my face in good fashion as i hurried across a clump of golden-rod to meet him. "evelina, the lovely!" he exclaimed in his big booming voice, as he took me by both shoulders and shook me instead of shaking merely my hand. "richard the royal!" i answered in our old _quartier latin_ form of greeting. i didn't look right into his eyes as i always had, however, and something sent a keen pain through the exchanged heart in my breast at the thought that i might be obliged to hurt the dandy old dear. but suddenly the sight of nell's loveliness cheered me. she had had dick in that car with her ever since nine o'clock, almost three hours, showing him the sights of that teeming heavy lush harvest countryside around bolivar and glendale, all over which are low-roofed old country houses which brood over families that cluster around the unit that one man and a woman make in their commonwealth. nell's eyes were sweet as she looked at him. i'll wait and see if i need to worry over him. with the fervor i felt i had a right to, i then avoided the issue of richard's eyes, put it up to god and nell, and introduced him to jane. and while the three of them stood waiting for nell to back up the buick and put her spark-plug in her pocket,--only richard calmly took it and put it in his,--the rest of the cars came up the hill and turned into the edge of the golden-rod. aunt augusta was in the first one with the chairman of the commission, whose name even would have paralyzed anybody but aunt augusta; and mamie and cousin martha, caroline and several more of the ladies made up the rest of the committee who had gone to escort the distinguished guests to the rally. the crag was in the last car with a perfectly delicious old gray-haired edition of dickie, and i almost fell on both their necks at once. what saved them was polk appearing between us with three long mint-topped glasses. i'm glad old dick immediately had his eyebrows well tangled in the mint of his julep, for i got my own eyes farther down into cousin james's deep gray ones than i expected and it was hard to come up. i hadn't had a plunge in them for three days and i went pretty deep. "eve!" he said softly, as he raised his glass and smiled across his green tuft. yes, i know he knows that i know, there is an answer to that name when he says it that way, but i'm not going to give it until i am ready and the place is romantically secluded enough to suit me. he just dares me when he says it to me before other people. that reminds me, the harvest moon is full to-night and rises an hour later every evening from now on. i don't want to wait another month before i propose to him. i've always chosen moonlight for that catastrophe of my life. i wonder if men have as good times planning the culmination of their suits as i am having with mine? but i had to come down quickly to a little thing like the rally and give the signal to feed all the five hundred people, who by that time were nice, polite, ravening wolves, for jasper had uncovered the turkey-pit to keep them from getting too brown while the lambs caught up with them. jane was the master of ceremonies, because i balked at the last minute. i think i would be capable of managing even a national convention in chicago--that far away from the harpeth valley,--but i couldn't do it with my friends of pioneer generations looking on. a man or woman never grows up at all to the woman who has knitted baby socks for them or the man who has let them ride down the hill on the front of his saddle. and at the head of the center table jane asked the crag to sit beside her, so that he would be in place to command attention for her when she wanted to speak, and where everybody could hear him when he did. and while the table was piled high and emptied, and piled high again, so many bouquets of oratory were culled, tied, and cast at the guests along the table that i believe they would have been obliged to pay exclusive attention to them if the things to eat had not been just as odoriferous and substantial. before dinner was over everybody had spoken that was of a suitable age, and some that had heretofore in the harpeth valley been considered of an unsuitable sex. jane's speech of welcome made such an impression that it is no wonder some of the old mothers in israel got up to iterate it, as the dinner progressed. she, as usual, refrained from prejudice-smashing and stones-at-glass-houses throwing, and she hadn't said ten sentences before she had the whole feeding multitude with her. she began on the way our pioneer mothers had to contrive to keep larders stocked and good things ready for the households, and she tickled the palate of every man present by mentioning every achievement in a culinary way that every woman of his household had made in all the generations that had gone over harpeth valley. she called all the concoctions by their right names, too, and she always gave the name of the originator, who was some dear old lady that was sleeping in the greenwood at the foot of the hill, or in some grave over at providence or hillsboro or bolivar, and who was grandmother or great-grandmother to a hundred or more of the guests. i had wondered why jane had been poring over that old autograph manuscript receipt book in my desk for days, and as she paid these modern resurrecting compliments to the long gone cooks, tears and laughed literally deluged the table. and as she built up, achievement by achievement, the domestic woman-history of the valley, jane showed in the most insidious way possible how the pioneer women had been really the warp on which had been woven the woof of the whole history of their part of the nation, political, financial, and religious. i never heard anything like it in all my life, and as i looked down those long tables at those aroused, tense, farmer faces, i knew jane had cracked the geological crust of the harpeth valley, and built a brake that would stop any whirlwind on the woman-question that might attempt to come in on us over the ridge from the outside world. they saw her point and were hard hit. when "votes for women" gets to coming down providence road the farmers will hitch up a wagon and take mother and the children with a well-packed lunch basket to meet it half way. this is a prophecy! then, after jane sat down, i don't believe such a speechifying ever was before as resounded out over the river, even in the time of old hickory. everybody had something to say and got to his feet to say it well, even if some of them did brandish a turkey wing or a iamb rib to emphasize their points. and the women were the funniest things i ever beheld, as we were treated to one maiden speech after another, issuing from the lips of plump matrons anywhere from thirty to sixty. they had never done it before, but liked it after they had tried. mother mayberry from providence, who is the grand old woman of the whole valley, having established her claim to the title thirty years ago by taking up her dead doctor husband's practice and "riding saddlebags to suffering ever since," as she puts it, broke the feminine ice by rising from her seat by the side of one of the entranced magnates,--who had been so delighted with her and her philosophies that he could hardly do his dinner justice,--and addressing the rally in her wonderful old voice with her white curls flying and her cheeks as pink as a girl's. "children," she said, after everybody had clapped and clapped so she couldn't get a start for several minutes, "the harpeth valley women have been a-marching along behind the men for many a day, because their strong shoulders had to break undergrowth for both, but now husbands and fathers and sons have got their feet up on the bluff of paradise ridge, and it does look like they will be a-reaching down their hands to help us up, in the break of a new day, to stand by their side; and i, for one, say mount!--i'm ready!" a perfect war of applause answered her, and dickie's father got up to go down the whole length of the table to shake hands with her, but had to wait until she came out of the embrace of nell's fluffy arms, and got a hand free from the magnate on one side and aunt augusta on the other. even sallie began to look speechful, and i believe she would have got up and spoken a few words on the subject of women, and how they need men to look after them, but she said something to mr. haley, who shook his head and then got up and prosed beautifully to us for ten minutes, and would have gone on longer, if he hadn't seen henrietta begin to look mutinous. the feast had begun at one o'clock, but by jasper's skilful maneuvering of one gorgeous viand after the other, into the right place, by having relays of pones browned to the right turn and potatoes at the proper bursting point, it had been prolonged until the shadows of late afternoon were beginning to turn purple. "don't nobody ever leave one of my barbecue tables until sundown begins to tetch up the empty bones," has been his boast for years. and as he had cleared away the last scrap from the last table, he leaned against a tree, exhausted and triumphant, with alert, adoring eyes fixed on the crag, who had risen in his place at the head of the long central table. i had felt entirely too far away from him down at the other end with one of the junior magnates and dickie, but i was glad then that i sat so i could look straight into his face as the light from across the harpeth valley illumined it without, while a wonderful glow lit it from within. all of the others had spoken of the achievements of their families and forefathers and vaunted the human history of the valley, but he spoke of the great hill-rimmed earth pocket itself. he gave the earth credit for the crops that she had yielded up for her children's sustenance. he described how she had bred forest kings for the building of their homes, granted stores of fuel from her mines for their warming, and nourished great white cotton patches and flocks of sheep to clothe them from frosts and winds. and as he spoke in a powerful voice that intoned up in the tree-tops like a great deep bell, he turned and looked out over the valley with an expression like what must have been on moses's face when he saw into the promised land. [illustration: "she's our mother," he said] "she's our mother," he said, as he flung back the long lock from across his forehead and stretched out his strong arm and slender hand towards the sun that was dropping fast down to the rim of old harpeth. "she has bared her breasts to suckle us, covered us from sun and snow, and now she expects something from us. if she has built us strong and ready, then we are to answer when the world has need of us and her storehouses and mines. we are to give out her invitations and welcome all who are hungry and who come a-seeking. gentlemen, her wealth and her fertility are yours--and her beauty!" for a long, long minute every face in the assembly was turned to the setting sun, and a perfect glory rose from the valley and burned the call of its grandeur into their eyes. we seemed to be looking across fields and forests and streams to the dim purple hills that might be the ramparts of the holy city itself, while just below us lay the little quiet village of the dead whose souls must just have gone before. and after that everybody rose with one accord and began to hurry to start out upon the long roads homeward, just as the great yellow moon rose in the east to balance the red old sun that was sinking in the west. only the magnate sat still in his place for several long minutes looking out across to old harpeth, and i wondered whether he was thinking about the eternal city or how many rails it was going to take to span the valley at his feet. and i--i just stood on the edge of the bluff by myself and let my soul lift up its wings of rejoicing that my crag had got his beautiful desire for apostrophizing the mother-valley so all the world might hear. and then suddenly it came over me in a great warm, uplifting, awe-inspiring rush that a woman who takes on herself voluntarily the responsibility of marrying a poet and an orator and a mystic, who is the complete edition of a mossback that all those qualities imply, must square her shoulders for a long, steady, pioneer march through a strange country. could such achievement be for me? "please god!" i prayed right across into the sunset, "make me a full cup that never fails him!" i don't know how long i stood talking with god that way about my man, but when i turned and looked back under the maples everybody was gone, and i could hear the last rattle and whirl going down the hill. for a second i felt that there was nobody but him and me left on the hill, but even in that second my heart knew better. "now?" i questioned myself softly, out over to the yellow moon that had at last languidly and gracefully risen, putting the finishing touch to the scene i had been planning for my proposal. "evelina," said the crag quietly from where he stood leaning against the tallest maple, "shall we stay here forever and ever, or hurry down through the cemetery by the short cut to the station to say good-by to the railroaders as they expect us to do?" nobody ever had a better opening than that, and i ought to have said, "be mine, be mine," with some sort of personal variation of the theme, and have clapped him to my breast and been happy ever after. that is what a courageous man would have done under the circumstances, with an opportunity like that, but i got the worst kind of scare i ever experienced, and answered: "how much time have we got? do you think we can make it?" "plenty," he answered comfortably as i began to quicken my pace to the little gate that leads between the hedge into the little half-acre of those who rest. then as i tried to pass him, he caught my hand and made me walk in the narrow path close at his side. [illustration: scrounged so close to his arm that it was difficult for both of them to walk.] now even a very strong-minded woman, who had to go through a little graveyard with moonlight making the tombstones glower out from deep shadows of cedar trees, in the depths of which strange birds croak, while the wind rustles the dry leaves into piles as they fall, wouldn't feel like honorably proposing to the man she intended to marry, even if she was scrouged so close to his arm that it was difficult for both of them to walk, would she? i excuse myself this time, but i must hold myself to the same standard that i want to hold lee greenfield to. how do i know that he hasn't had all sorts of cold, creepy feeling's keeping him from proposing to caroline? i hereby promise myself that i will ask cousin james to marry me the next favorable opportunity i get, if i die with fright the next minute, or have to make the opportunity. still, i can't help wondering what does keep him so composed under the circumstances. surely he wouldn't refuse me, but how do i know for sure? how does a man even know if a woman is--? chapter x together? when business and love crowd each other on a man's desk he calmly puts love in a pigeon-hole to wait for a convenient time and attends strictly to business, while a woman takes up and coddles the tender passion and stands business over in the corner with its face to the wall to keep it from intruding. dickie has been here a whole week since the barbecue-rally, ostensibly trying to get me down to making a few preliminary sketches for the gardens to his c. & g. railroad stations, and, of course, i am going to do them. i'm interested in them and i'm sensible of the honor it is to get the chance of making them: but the moon didn't rise until after ten o'clock last night and i'm getting nervous about that scene of sentiment i'm planning. i can't think of gardens! still, i am glad he stayed and that everybody has been giving him a party and that nell is always there, for he hasn't had time to notice how i'm treating business and coddling-jane and polk and nell and caroline and lee and everybody else, including sallie and the dominie, have been all over my house all day and into the scandalous hours of the night, which in glendale begin at eleven o'clock and pass the limit at twelve, and i don't see how they stand so much of not being alone with each other. it is wearing me out. i had positively decided on my own side steps for the scene of my proposal to the crag, under the honeysuckle vine that still has a few brave and hearty blossoms to encourage me, with the harvest moon looking on, but moons and honeysuckle blossoms wait for no man and no woman especially. they are both fading, and i've never got the spot to myself more than a minute at a time yet. the crag, with absolutely no knowledge of my intentions, except it may be a psychic one, sits there every night and smokes and looks out at old harpeth and maddens me, while some one of the others walks in and out and around and about and sits down beside him, where i want to be. and as for the day time, i am so busy all day long, providing for this perpetual house-party, that i am dead to even friendship by night. jane is doing over glendale from city limits to the river, and i have to spend my time keeping the dear town from finding out what is being done to it. she is hunting out everybody's pet idea or ideal for some sort of change or improvement to his, especially _his_, native town, and then leading him gently up to accomplishing it so that he will think he has done it entirely by himself, but will tell the next man he meets that there is nothing in the world like a tine energetic woman with good horse sense. in fact, jane is courting the entire male population in a most scandalous fashion, and they'll be won before they know it. "now, that confederate monument ought to have been built long ago out of that boulder from the river instead of hauling in a slicked-up granite slab that would er made the glendale volunteers of '61 feel uncomfortable like they would do in the beds in the city hotels. great idea of mine and that yankee girl's--great idea--hey?" sputtered uncle peter, after jane had spent the evening down with him and aunt augusta. "it is a fine idea, uncle peter," i agreed with a concealed giggle. "i've subscribed the first five dollars of the fifty for hauling, setting up and inscribing it, and we are going to let the women give half of it out of the egg-money they have got in that equality quilting society--some kind of horse sense epidemic has broken out in this town, horse sense, evelina, hey?" and he went on down the street perfectly delighted at having at last accomplished his pet scheme. he thought of it as exclusively his own by now, of course. and the monument is just the beginning of what is going to begin in glendale. jane says so. "there could be no better place than this rural community to try out a number of theories i have had in political economy as related to the activities of women, evelina," she said to me to-day, looking at me in a benign and slightly confused way from behind her glasses. "mr. hayes and i were just talking some of them over to-night, and he seems so interested in seeing me institute some of the most important ones. how could you have ever thought such a man as he is lacking in seriousness of purpose, dear?" "i feel sure that it was just my own frivolous streak that called out the frivolous in polk, jane dear," i answered with trepidation, hoping and praying that the inquisition would not go much further, and trying to remember just what i had written her about polk. "it may have been that," jane answered, in a most naã¯vely relieved tone of voice. "but you don't know how happy i am, dear, to see that that streak is only an occasional charming vein that shows in you, but that you are now settling down steadily to your profession. i feel sure that when these garden drawings are done, you and mr. hall will have found your correct places in each other's lives and it will be just a glorious example of how superbly a man and woman can work together at the same profession. mr. hardin and i were talking about it just last night out on the side porch, and though he said very little i could see how gratified he was at the honors that had come to you and how much he likes mr. hall." that settled it, and i made up my mind that when the harvest lady left us to-night to sink behind old harpeth, she wasn't going to leave me weakly lonesome. she doesn't set until two o'clock, and i'm going to take all the time i need. and as serious and solemn as i feel over taking such a step for two as i am deciding on, i can't help looking forward to scribbling a terse and impersonal account of my having proposed to the man of my choice in this strong-minded book, adding a few words of sage advice for the five, locking it and handing it, key and all, to jane with a dramatic demand that she put her hundred thousand dollars in the trust company and begin to choose the five from those she has had in mind. then before she has had time to read it, i am going to sneakily get it back and blot or tear out some of the things i have written. i can decide later what will be data and what will be dangerous to the cause. "and you will be glad to have me--come and live for a time in your home life, dear?" jane recalled me to the question in hand by saying wistfully. "i feel that i have never had such good friends before, anywhere, as these of yours are to me, evelina," she added. that's one time i got jane completely in my arms and showed her what a really good hugging means south of mason and dixon's line. from later developments i am glad she had that slight initiation. it must have been serviceable to her new england disposition. then just as i was going to ask some of the plans she--and polk--had made, over came cousin jasmine, with cousin annie and mary, with mrs. hargrove puffing along behind them. they had come to see jane, but i was allowed to stay and have my breath knocked out by their mission. it seems jane had got a great big book from some firm in new york that tells alt about herb-growing, and how difficult it is to get the ones needed for condiments and perfumes, and offering to buy first-class lavender and thyme and bergamot and sweet fern and things of that kind in any quantities at a good price. she had shown it to the little old ladies who had been secretly grieving at the separation from their garden out on their poorly rented farm, and the leaven had worked--on mrs. hargrove also. they go back to the farm and she with them! she had decided on raising mint to both dry and ship fresh, because he of the gay pajamas always liked to have it strong and fresh for the julep of his ancestors. i hope she won't forget to take that pattern of japanese extraction with her and make some for the crag now and then, for it will save my time. horrors! "we have fully decided on our course of action, jane, and evelina, dears," said cousin jasmine in a positive little manner that she would have been as incapable of a month ago, as is a pet kitten of barking at the family dog, "but we do so dread to break it to dear james, because we feel that he may think we are not happy under his roof and be distressed. do you believe we shall be able to make him see that we must pursue our independent life, though always needing the support of his affection and interest?" "i believe you will, cousin jasmine," i said, wanting to both laugh and cry to see the crag's burdens begin to roll off his shoulders like this. and the tears that didn't rise would have been real ones, too, for i found that, down in the corner of my heart, i had adored the picture of my oak with the tender little old vines clinging around him. it was the producing gourd i had most objected to and i couldn't see but she would be there until i unclasped her tendrils. but i was forgetting that, in the modern theory of thought-waves, it is the simplest minds that get the ripples first and hardest. sallie came over just as soon as the other delegation had got home to take the twins off her hands. jane had gone upstairs to make more calculations on our reconstruction, and i was trying to get a large deep breath. "evelina." she said, as she sank in a chair near me and fastened her large, very young-in-soul, eyes on mine, "were you just joking nell, or did you mean it, when you said the other day that you thought it would be cowardly of a woman not to show a man that she loved him, if he for any reason was not willing to make the first advances to her?" sallie is perfectly lovely in the faint lavender and pink things that jane made her decide to get in one conversation, whereas while nell and caroline and i had been looking up and bringing her surreptitious samples of all colors from the store all summer. "well, i don't know that i exactly meant nell to take it all to heart," i answered without the slightest suspicion of what was coming. "but i do think, sallie, it would be no more than honest, fearless, and within a woman's own greater rights." "mr. haley was saying the other evening that a woman's sweet dependence was a man's most precious heritage," sallie gently mused out on the atmosphere that was beginning to be pretty highly charged. "doesn't a woman have to depend on her husband's tenderness and care all of the time--time she is bearing a child, sallie, even up to the asafoetida spoon crisis?" i asked with my cheeks in a flame but determined to stand my ground. "it does seem to me that nature puts her in a position to demand so much support from him in those times that she ought to rely on herself when she can. especially as she is likely to bring an indefinite number of such crises into their joint existence." sallie laughed, for she remembered the high horse i had mounted on the subject of mamie and ned hall the day after the assembly dance. and as i laughed suddenly a picture i had seen down at the hall's flashed across my mind. i had gone down to tell mamie something aunt augusta wanted her to propose next day at a meeting of the equality league about drinking water in the public school building. mamie has learned to make, with pink cheeks and shining eyes, the quaintest little speeches that always carry the house--and even made one at a public meeting when we invited the men to hand over our fifty dollars for the monument. ned's face was a picture as he held a ruffle of her muslin gown between his fingers while she stood up to do it. but the picture that flashed through my mind was dearer than that and i put it away in that jewel-box that i am going to open some day for my own man. both mamie's nurse and cook had gone to the third funeral of the season and mamie was feeding the entire family in the back yard. the kiddies were sitting in a row along the top of the back steps, eating cookies and milk, with bibs around their necks,--from the twelve year old jennie, who had tied on hers for fun, down to the chubby-kins next to the baby,--and mamie was sitting flat on the grass in front of them nursing little ned, with big ned sitting beside her with his arm around both her and the baby. he was looking first down into her face, and then at the industrious kiddie getting his supper from the maternal fount, and then at the handsome bunch on the steps, as he alternately munched a bite of his cookie and fed mamie one, to the delight of the children. the expression on his face as he looked at them, and her, and ate and laughed, is what is back of all that goes to make the american nation the greatest on earth. amen! "sallie," i said, as i reached out and took her plump white hand in mine, "our men are the most wonderful in the world and they are ours any way we get them. they don't care how it is done, and neither do we, just so we belong in the right way." "then you don't think it would be any harm for me to tell mr. haley i think i could live on eighteen hundred dollars a year, until he gets sent to a larger church?" was the bomb that, thus encouraged, sallie exploded in my face. i'm awfully glad that i didn't get a chance to answer, for i don't want to be responsible for the future failure or success of mr. haley's ministry. just then henrietta burst into the room with the kitten in her arms. "keep her for me, evelina, please, ma'am," she said, with the dearest little chuckle, but not forgetting the polite "please," which jane had had to suggest to her just once. what you've done for that wayward unmanageable genius of a child, jane dear, makes you deserve ten of your own. that is--help! "cousin augusta and nell and dickie and me is a going out to watch the man put the dyn'mite in the hole to blow the creek right up and glendale, too, so they can see if they is enough clean water to put in the waterworks," she continued to explain. "nell is a-going to take dickie in her car, and cousin augusta is a-going to take me and uncle peter in her buggy. dilsie have got the kit and cousin marfy is a-watching to see she don't do nothing wrong with her. oh, may i go, sallie? jane said i must always ask you." "yes, dearest," answered sallie, immensely flattered by the deference thus paid her. "how wonderful an influence the little talks mr. haley has had with henrietta have had on her," she said, with such a happy glow on her face as the reformed one departed that i succeeded in suppressing the laugh that rose in me at the memory of henrietta's account of the first one of the series. men need not fear that the time will ever come when they will cease to get the credit for making earth's wheels go around, from the female inhabitants thereof. so i smiled to myself and buried my face in the fragrance under the bubbly puppy girl's chin and coaxed her arms to clasp around my neck. they are the holy throb of a woman's life--babies. less than ten wouldn't satisfy me unless well scattered in ages, jane. on some questions i am not modern. "still i do feel so miserable leaving cousin james so alone all winter," sallie continued with the most beautiful sympathy in her voice, as she looked out of the window towards widegables. "i wonder if i ought to make up my mind to stay with him? he loves the children so, and you know the plans of cousin jasmine and the others to go back to their farm." "but he'll have his mother left," i said quietly but very encouragingly. i seemed to see the little green tendril that had unclasped from the oak turning on its stem and winding tight again. "miss mathers was encouraging cousin martha to go to colorado to see elizabeth and her family for a long visit this winter. she hasn't seen elizabeth since her mother died and she was so much interested in the easy way of traveling these days, as miss mathers described it, that she asked her to write for a time-table and what a ticket costs, just this morning. i really ought not to desert cousin james." "but think how lonely mr. haley is down in the parsonage and of his influence on henrietta," i urged. "yes, i do feel drawn in both ways," sighed the poor tender gourd. "and then you will be here by yourself, so you can watch over cousin james, as much as your work will allow you, can't you, evelina?" "yes, i'll try to keep him from being too much alone," i answered with the most deceitful unconcern. "i see him coming to supper and i must go, for i want to be with him all i can, if i am to leave him so soon. i may not make up my mind to it," with which threat sallie departed and left me alone in the gloaming, a situation which seems to be becoming chronic with me now. if i had it, i'd give another hundred thousand dollars to the cause, to hear that interview between sallie and the dominie. i wager he'll never know what happened and would swear it didn't, if confronted with a witness. and also i felt so nervous with all this asking-in-marriage surging in the atmosphere that it was with difficulty that i sat through supper and listened to jane and polk, who had come in with her, plan town sewerage. to-morrow night i knew the moon wouldn't rise until eleven o'clock, and how did i know anyway that sallie's emancipation might not get started on the wrong track and run into my crag? his chivalry would never let him refuse a woman who proposed to him and he'll be in danger until i can do it and tell the town about it. jane and polk had promised dickie and nell to motor down providence road as far as cloverbend in the moonlight, and i think caroline and lee were going too. polk looked positively agonized with embarrassed sorrow at leaving me all alone, and it was with difficulty that i got them off. i pleaded the greatest fatigue and my impatience amounted to crossness. after they had gone i dismissed jasper and petunia and locked the back doors, put out all the lights in the house and retired to the side steps, determined to be invisible no matter who called--and wait! and for one mortal hour there i sat alone in that waning old moonlight, that grew colder and paler by the minute, while the stiff breeze that poured down from old harpeth began to be vicious and icy as it nipped my ears and hands and nose and sent a chill down to my very toes. nobody came and there i sat! finally, with the tears tangling icily in my lashes, i got up and went into the house and lighted the fat pine under the logs in the hall. they had lain all ready for the torch for a whole year, just as i had lain for a lifetime until a few weeks ago. then suddenly they blazed--as i had done. my condition was pitiable. i felt that all nature had deserted me, the climate, indian summer, the harvest moon and my own charm, but my head was up and i was going to crackle pluckily along to my blaze, so i turned towards the door to go across the road and put my fate to the test, even if i took pneumonia standing begging at his front door. i hoped i would find him in the lodge and-"evelina," he exclaimed as he burst open my door, flung himself into the firelight and seized my arm like a robber baron of the twelfth century, making a grab for his lady-love in the midst of her hostile kindred, "i thought i would never get here! i ran all the way up from the office. here's a telegram from mr. hall that says that the two roads have merged and will take the bluff route past glendale, and give us the shops,--and wants to appoint me the general attorney for the southern section. they want me to come on to new york by the first train. can you marry me in the morning so we can take the noon express from bolivar? i won't go without you. please, dear, please," and as he stood and looked at me in the firelight, all the relief and excitement over his news died out of his lovely eyes and just the want of me filled them from their very depths. for several interminable centuries of time i stood perfectly still and looked into them daringly, drinking my fill for the first time and offering him a like cup in my own. "eve," he said so softly that i doubt if he really spoke the word. "adam!" i let myself go, and at last pressed my answer against his lips as he folded me tight and safe. it must have been some time after, i am sure i don't know how long, but i was most beautifully adjusted against his shoulder and he had my hand pressed to his cheek, when the awfulness of what had happened brought me straight up on my own feet and almost out of his arms. "oh, how could you have done it!" i fairly wailed, as i thought of what this awful complication was going to lose for the five to whom i felt more tender in that second than i had ever felt before. "done what?" he demanded in alarm, pressing both my hands against his breast and drawing me towards him again. "asked me to marry you when i--" "i have been fighting desperately to see some way to offer myself and all my impedimenta to you all this time, and this has made it all right, don't you see, dear?" he interrupted me to say, as he took possession of me again and held me with a tender fierceness, which had more of suffering in it than passion. "i have always wanted you, eve, since before you went away, but it didn't seem right to ask you to come into a life so encumbered as mine was. poverty made it seem impossible, but now, if you will be just a little patient with them all, i can arrange--" "i was going to arrange all that my own self, and now just see what you have done to me and a whole lot of other women, besides making me miserable all summer," and crowded so close under his chin that he couldn't see my face, i told him all about the tinder-box jane had loaded and then set me on the lid to see that it exploded. i had just worked myself up to the point of how my incendiary mission was about to touch off all the other love affairs in town, when he began to shake so with disrespectful laughter that i felt that my dignity was about to demand that i withdraw coldly from his arms, where i had just got so warm and comfortable and at home; but with the first slight intimation of my intention, which was conveyed by a very feeble indeed loosening of my arms from around his henry clay collar, he held me firmly against him and controlled his unseemly mirth, only i could still feel it convulsing his left lung,--though as i had no business being near enough to notice it, i felt it only fair not to. "please don't worry about those other five dear women," he begged, in the nicest and most considerate voice possible so that i tightened my arms again as i listened. "if miss mathers doesn't feel justified in giving up the dowries by your--your failure to prove the proposition, we can just invite them all down here and in glendale and bolivar and hillsboro and providence, to say nothing of the countryside, we can plant them all cozily. i can delicately explain to their choices exactly how to let them manage circumstances like--" he illustrated his scheme just here until it took time for me to get breath to listen to the rest of his apology--"this and there is no telling, with such a start as the cult has got in the harpeth valley already, how far ft will spread. please forgive me, dear!" "yes," i answered doubtfully. then i raised my head and looked him full in the face as i made my declaration calmly but with the perfect conviction that i still have and always will have, world without end. "yes, but don't you think for one minute i don't _know_ that what jane and i and all the most advanced women in the world are trying for is the right and just and the only way for men and women to come logically into the kind of heritage you and i have stumbled into. absolute freedom and equality between all human beings is going to be the price of kingdom come. i shall always be humiliated that i got scared out in the graveyard and didn't do it to you. it is going to be the regret of my life." "truly, i'm sorry, sweetheart," he answered most contritely. "if i were to take my hat and go back to the gate and come in again properly and let you do it, would that make you feel any better?" "no, it wouldn't," i answered quickly because why should i be separated from him all the two and a half minutes it would take to play out that farce, when i have been separated from him all the twenty-five years that stretch from now back until the day of my birth? "i am going to bear it bravely and hold up my head and tell jane--" "i wouldn't bother to hold up my head to tell her, evelina," came from the doorway in polk's delighted drawl as he and jane stepped into the room. "pretty comfortably placed, that head, i should say." "oh, jane!" i positively wailed as i extracted myself from the crag's gray arms and buried myself in jane's white serge ones that opened to receive me. and the seconds that i rested silently there polk spent in shaking both of the crag's hands and pounding him on the back so that i grew alarmed. "i didn't do it, jane, i didn't do it," i almost sobbed with fear of what her disappointment was going to be. "he beat me to it!" "truly. i'm sorry," cousin james added to my apology as he stood with his arm on polk's shoulder. "i dare you, _dare_, you to tell 'em, jane," polk suddenly said, coming over and putting a hand on one of my shoulders and one on jane's. "evelina and mr. hardin," jane answered gallantly with her head assuming its lovely independent pose, but with the most wonderful blush spreading the beauty that always ought to have been hers all over her one-time plain face, "the wager stands as won by evelina shelby. she had properly prepared the ground and sowed the seed of justice and right thinking that i--i harvested to-night. i had the honor of offering marriage to mr. hayes just about fifteen minutes ago. i consider that mode of procedure proved as feasible and as soon as i have received my answer, whatever it is, i shall immediately proceed with making the endowment and choosing the five young women according to the agreement." "polk!" i exclaimed, turning to him in a perfect panic of alarm. could he be trifling with jane? "evelina," answered polk, giving me a shake and a shove over in the direction of the crag, "you ought to know me better than to think i would answer such a question as jane put to me, while driving a cranky car in waning moonlight. if you and james will just mercifully betake yourselves out there on the porch in the cold for a few minutes i will try and add my data to this equality experiment with due dignity. go!" we went! "love-woman," whispered the crag, after i had broken it to him that we were going to be a governor of tennessee, and not a railroad attorney, and he had crooned his "swing low" over me and rocked me against his breast for a century of seconds, down on my old front gate, "you are right about the whole question. i see that, and i want to help--but if i'm stupid about life, will you hold my hand in the dark?" "yes," i answered with both generosity and courage. and truly if the world is in the dusk of the dawn of a new day, what can men and women do but cling tight and feel their way--together? [illustration: book cover] the crux books by charlotte perkins gilman women and economics $1.50 concerning children 1.25 in this our world (verse) 1.25 the yellow wallpaper (story) 0.50 the home 1.00 human work 1.00 what diantha did (novel) 1.00 the man-made world; or, our androcentric culture 1.00 moving the mountain 1.00 the crux 1.00 suffrage songs 0.10 the crux a novel by charlotte perkins gilman charlton company new york 1911 copyright, 1911 by charlotte perkins gilman the co-operative press, 15 spruce street, new york preface this story is, first, for young women to read; second, for young men to read; after that, for anybody who wants to. anyone who doubts its facts and figures is referred to "social diseases and marriage," by dr. prince morrow, or to "hygiene and morality," by miss lavinia dock, a trained nurse of long experience. some will hold that the painful facts disclosed are unfit for young girls to know. young girls are precisely the ones who must know them, in order that they may protect themselves and their children to come. the time to know of danger is before it is too late to avoid it. if some say "innocence is the greatest charm of young girls," the answer is, "what good does it do them?" contents chapter page i. the back way 9 ii. bainville effects 31 iii. the outbreak 60 iv. transplanted 81 v. contrasts 101 vi. new friends and old 126 vii. side lights 149 viii. a mixture 174 ix. consequences 204 x. determination 229 xi. thereafter 256 xii. achievements 283 _who should know but the woman?--the young wife-to-be? whose whole life hangs on the choice; to her the ruin, the misery; to her, the deciding voice._ _who should know but the woman?--the mother-to-be? guardian, giver, and guide; if she may not foreknow, forejudge and foresee, what safety has childhood beside?_ _who should know but the woman?--the girl in her youth? the hour of the warning is then, that, strong in her knowledge and free in her truth, she may build a new race of new men._ chapter i the back way along the same old garden path, sweet with the same old flowers; under the lilacs, darkly dense, the easy gate in the backyard fence- those unforgotten hours! the "foote girls" were bustling along margate street with an air of united purpose that was unusual with them. miss rebecca wore her black silk cloak, by which it might be seen that "a call" was toward. miss jessie, the thin sister, and miss sallie, the fat one, were more hastily attired. they were persons of less impressiveness than miss rebecca, as was tacitly admitted by their more familiar nicknames, a concession never made by the older sister. even miss rebecca was hurrying a little, for her, but the others were swifter and more impatient. "do come on, rebecca. anybody'd think you were eighty instead of fifty!" said miss sallie. "there's mrs. williams going in! i wonder if she's heard already. do hurry!" urged miss josie. but miss rebecca, being concerned about her dignity, would not allow herself to be hustled, and the three proceeded in irregular order under the high-arched elms and fence-topping syringas of the small new england town toward the austere home of mr. samuel lane. it was a large, uncompromising, square, white house, planted starkly in the close-cut grass. it had no porch for summer lounging, no front gate for evening dalliance, no path-bordering beds of flowers from which to pluck a hasty offering or more redundant tribute. the fragrance which surrounded it came from the back yard, or over the fences of neighbors; the trees which waved greenly about it were the trees of other people. mr. lane had but two trees, one on each side of the straight and narrow path, evenly placed between house and sidewalk--evergreens. mrs. lane received them amiably; the minister's new wife, mrs. williams, was proving a little difficult to entertain. she was from cambridge, mass., and emanated a restrained consciousness of that fact. mr. lane rose stiffly and greeted them. he did not like the foote girls, not having the usual american's share of the sense of humor. he had no enjoyment of the town joke, as old as they were, that "the three of them made a full yard;" and had frowned down as a profane impertinent the man--a little sore under some effect of gossip--who had amended it with "make an 'ell, i say." safely seated in their several rocking chairs, and severally rocking them, the misses foote burst forth, as was their custom, in simultaneous, though by no means identical remarks. "i suppose you've heard about morton elder?" "what do you think mort elder's been doing now?" "we've got bad news for poor miss elder!" mrs. lane was intensely interested. even mr. lane showed signs of animation. "i'm not surprised," he said. "he's done it now," opined miss josie with conviction. "i always said rella elder was spoiling that boy." "it's too bad--after all she's done for him! he always was a scamp!" thus miss sallie. "i've been afraid of it all along," miss rebecca was saying, her voice booming through the lighter tones of her sisters. "i always said he'd never get through college." "but who is morton elder, and what has he done?" asked mrs. williams as soon as she could be heard. this lady now proved a most valuable asset. she was so new to the town, and had been so immersed in the suddenly widening range of her unsalaried duties as "minister's wife," that she had never even heard of morton elder. a new resident always fans the languishing flame of local conversation. the whole shopworn stock takes on a fresh lustre, topics long trampled flat in much discussion lift their heads anew, opinions one scarce dared to repeat again become almost authoritative, old stories flourish freshly, acquiring new detail and more vivid color. mrs. lane, seizing her opportunity while the sisters gasped a momentary amazement at anyone's not knowing the town scapegrace, and taking advantage of her position as old friend and near neighbor of the family under discussion, swept into the field under such headway that even the foote girls remained silent perforce; surcharged, however, and holding their breaths in readiness to burst forth at the first opening. "he's the nephew--orphan nephew--of miss elder--who lives right back of us--our yards touch--we've always been friends--went to school together, rella's never married--she teaches, you know--and her brother--he owned the home--it's all hers now, he died all of a sudden and left two children--morton and susie. mort was about seven years old and susie just a baby. he's been an awful cross--but she just idolizes him--she's spoiled him, i tell her." mrs. lane had to breathe, and even the briefest pause left her stranded to wait another chance. the three social benefactors proceeded to distribute their information in a clattering torrent. they sought to inform mrs. williams in especial, of numberless details of the early life and education of their subject, matters which would have been treated more appreciatively if they had not been blessed with the later news; and, at the same time, each was seeking for a more dramatic emphasis to give this last supply of incident with due effect. no regular record is possible where three persons pour forth statement and comment in a rapid, tumultuous stream, interrupted by cross currents of heated contradiction, and further varied by the exclamations and protests of three hearers, or at least, of two; for the one man present soon relapsed into disgusted silence. mrs. williams, turning a perplexed face from one to the other, inwardly condemning the darkening flood of talk, yet conscious of a sinful pleasure in it, and anxious as a guest, _and_ a minister's wife, to be most amiable, felt like one watching three kinetescopes at once. she saw, in confused pictures of blurred and varying outline, orella elder, the young new england girl, only eighteen, already a "school ma'am," suddenly left with two children to bring up, and doing it, as best she could. she saw the boy, momentarily changing, in his shuttlecock flight from mouth to mouth, through pale shades of open mischief to the black and scarlet of hinted sin, the terror of the neighborhood, the darling of his aunt, clever, audacious, scandalizing the quiet town. "boys are apt to be mischievous, aren't they?" she suggested when it was possible. "he's worse than mischievous," mr. lane assured her sourly. "there's a mean streak in that family." "that's on his mother's side," mrs. lane hastened to add. "she was a queer girl--came from new york." the foote girls began again, with rich profusion of detail, their voices rising shrill, one above the other, and playing together at their full height like emulous fountains. "we ought not to judge, you know;" urged mrs. williams. "what do you say he's really done?" being sifted, it appeared that this last and most terrible performance was to go to "the city" with a group of "the worst boys of college," to get undeniably drunk, to do some piece of mischief. (here was great licence in opinion, and in contradiction.) "_anyway_ he's to be suspended!" said miss rebecca with finality. "suspended!" miss josie's voice rose in scorn. "_expelled!_ they said he was expelled." "in disgrace!" added miss sallie. vivian lane sat in the back room at the window, studying in the lingering light of the long june evening. at least, she appeared to be studying. her tall figure was bent over her books, but the dark eyes blazed under their delicate level brows, and her face flushed and paled with changing feelings. she had heard--who, in the same house, could escape hearing the misses foote?--and had followed the torrent of description, hearsay, surmise and allegation with an interest that was painful in its intensity. "it's a _shame_!" she whispered under her breath. "a _shame_! and nobody to stand up for him!" she half rose to her feet as if to do it herself, but sank back irresolutely. a fresh wave of talk rolled forth. "it'll half kill his aunt." "poor miss elder! i don't know what she'll do!" "i don't know what _he'll_ do. he can't go back to college." "he'll have to go to work." "i'd like to know where--nobody'd hire him in this town." the girl could bear it no longer. she came to the door, and there, as they paused to speak to her, her purpose ebbed again. "my daughter, vivian, mrs. williams," said her mother; and the other callers greeted her familiarly. "you'd better finish your lessons, vivian," mr. lane suggested. "i have, father," said the girl, and took a chair by the minister's wife. she had a vague feeling that if she were there, they would not talk so about morton elder. mrs. williams hailed the interruption gratefully. she liked the slender girl with the thoughtful eyes and pretty, rather pathetic mouth, and sought to draw her out. but her questions soon led to unfortunate results. "you are going to college, i suppose?" she presently inquired; and vivian owned that it was the desire of her heart. "nonsense!" said her father. "stuff and nonsense, vivian! you're not going to college." the foote girls now burst forth in voluble agreement with mr. lane. his wife was evidently of the same mind; and mrs. williams plainly regretted her question. but vivian mustered courage enough to make a stand, strengthened perhaps by the depth of the feeling which had brought her into the room. "i don't know why you're all so down on a girl's going to college. eve marks has gone, and mary spring is going--and both the austin girls. everybody goes now." "i know one girl that won't," was her father's incisive comment, and her mother said quietly, "a girl's place is at home--'till she marries." "suppose i don't want to marry?" said vivian. "don't talk nonsense," her father answered. "marriage is a woman's duty." "what do you want to do?" asked miss josie in the interests of further combat. "do you want to be a doctor, like jane bellair?" "i should like to very much indeed," said the girl with quiet intensity. "i'd like to be a doctor in a babies' hospital." "more nonsense," said mr. lane. "don't talk to me about that woman! you attend to your studies, and then to your home duties, my dear." the talk rose anew, the three sisters contriving all to agree with mr. lane in his opinions about college, marriage and dr. bellair, yet to disagree violently among themselves. mrs. williams rose to go, and in the lull that followed the liquid note of a whippoorwill met the girl's quick ear. she quietly slipped out, unnoticed. the lane's home stood near the outer edge of the town, with an outlook across wide meadows and soft wooded hills. behind, their long garden backed on that of miss orella elder, with a connecting gate in the gray board fence. mrs. lane had grown up here. the house belonged to her mother, mrs. servilla pettigrew, though that able lady was seldom in it, preferring to make herself useful among two growing sets of grandchildren. miss elder was vivian's favorite teacher. she was a careful and conscientious instructor, and the girl was a careful and conscientious scholar; so they got on admirably together; indeed, there was a real affection between them. and just as the young laura pettigrew had played with the younger orella elder, so vivian had played with little susie elder, miss orella's orphan niece. susie regarded the older girl with worshipful affection, which was not at all unpleasant to an emotional young creature with unemotional parents, and no brothers or sisters of her own. moreover, susie was morton's sister. the whippoorwill's cry sounded again through the soft june night. vivian came quickly down the garden path between the bordering beds of sweet alyssum and mignonette. a dew-wet rose brushed against her hand. she broke it off, pricking her fingers, and hastily fastened it in the bosom of her white frock. large old lilac bushes hung over the dividing fence, a thick mass of honeysuckle climbed up by the gate and mingled with them, spreading over to a pear tree on the lane side. in this fragrant, hidden corner was a rough seat, and from it a boy's hand reached out and seized the girl's, drawing her down beside him. she drew away from him as far as the seat allowed. "oh morton!" she said. "what have you done?" morton was sulky. "now vivian, are you down on me too? i thought i had one friend." "you ought to tell me," she said more gently. "how can i be your friend if i don't know the facts? they are saying perfectly awful things." "who are?" "why--the foote girls--everybody." "oh those old maids aren't everybody, i assure you. you see, vivian, you live right here in this old oyster of a town--and you make mountains out of molehills like everybody else. a girl of your intelligence ought to know better." she drew a great breath of relief. "then you haven't--done it?" "done what? what's all this mysterious talk anyhow? the prisoner has a right to know what he's charged with before he commits himself." the girl was silent, finding it difficult to begin. "well, out with it. what do they say i did?" he picked up a long dry twig and broke it, gradually, into tiny, half-inch bits. "they say you--went to the city--with a lot of the worst boys in college----" "well? many persons go to the city every day. that's no crime, surely. as for 'the worst boys in college,'"--he laughed scornfully--"i suppose those old ladies think if a fellow smokes a cigarette or says 'darn' he's a tough. they're mighty nice fellows, that bunch--most of 'em. got some ginger in 'em, that's all. what else?" "they say--you drank." "o ho! said i got drunk, i warrant! well--we did have a skate on that time, i admit!" and he laughed as if this charge were but a familiar joke. "why morton elder! i think it is a--disgrace!" "pshaw, vivian!--you ought to have more sense. all the fellows get gay once in a while. a college isn't a young ladies' seminary." he reached out and got hold of her hand again, but she drew it away. "there was something else," she said. "what was it?" he questioned sharply. "what did they say?" but she would not satisfy him--perhaps could not. "i should think you'd be ashamed, to make your aunt so much trouble. they said you were suspended--or--_expelled_!" he shrugged his big shoulders and threw away the handful of broken twigs. "that's true enough--i might as well admit that." "oh, _morton_!--i didn't believe it. _expelled!_" "yes, expelled--turned down--thrown out--fired! and i'm glad of it." he leaned back against the fence and whistled very softly through his teeth. "sh! sh!" she urged. "please!" he was quiet. "but morton--what are you going to do?--won't it spoil your career?" "no, my dear little girl, it will not!" said he. "on the contrary, it will be the making of me. i tell you, vivian, i'm sick to death of this town of maiden ladies--and 'good family men.' i'm sick of being fussed over for ever and ever, and having wristers and mufflers knitted for me--and being told to put on my rubbers! there's no fun in this old clamshell--this kitchen-midden of a town--and i'm going to quit it." he stood up and stretched his long arms. "i'm going to quit it for good and all." the girl sat still, her hands gripping the seat on either side. "where are you going?" she asked in a low voice. "i'm going west--clear out west. i've been talking with aunt rella about it. dr. bellair'll help me to a job, she thinks. she's awful cut up, of course. i'm sorry she feels bad--but she needn't, i tell her. i shall do better there than i ever should have here. i know a fellow that left college--his father failed--and he went into business and made two thousand dollars in a year. i always wanted to take up business--you know that!" she knew it--he had talked of it freely before they had argued and persuaded him into the college life. she knew, too, how his aunt's hopes all centered in him, and in his academic honors and future professional life. "business," to his aunt's mind, was a necessary evil, which could at best be undertaken only after a "liberal education." "when are you going," she asked at length. "right off--to-morrow." she gave a little gasp. "that's what i was whippoorwilling about--i knew i'd get no other chance to talk to you--i wanted to say good-by, you know." the girl sat silent, struggling not to cry. he dropped beside her, stole an arm about her waist, and felt her tremble. "now, viva, don't you go and cry! i'm sorry--i really am sorry--to make _you_ feel bad." this was too much for her, and she sobbed frankly. "oh, morton! how could you! how could you!--and now you've got to go away!" "there now--don't cry--sh!--they'll hear you." she did hush at that. "and don't feel so bad--i'll come back some time--to see you." "no, you won't!" she answered with sudden fierceness. "you'll just go--and stay--and i never shall see you again!" he drew her closer to him. "and do you care--so much--viva?" "of course, i care!" she said, "haven't we always been friends, the best of friends?" "yes--you and aunt rella have been about all i had," he admitted with a cheerful laugh. "i hope i'll make more friends out yonder. but viva,"--his hand pressed closer--"is it only--friends?" she took fright at once and drew away from him. "you mustn't do that, morton!" "do what?" a shaft of moonlight shone on his teasing face. "what am i doing?" he said. it is difficult--it is well nigh impossible--for a girl to put a name to certain small cuddlings not in themselves terrifying, nor even unpleasant, but which she obscurely feels to be wrong. viva flushed and was silent--he could see the rich color flood her face. "come now--don't be hard on a fellow!" he urged. "i shan't see you again in ever so long. you'll forget all about me before a year's over." she shook her head, still silent. "won't you speak to me--viva?" "i wish----" she could not find the words she wanted. "oh, i wish you--wouldn't!" "wouldn't what, girlie? wouldn't go away? sorry to disoblige--but i have to. there's no place for me here." the girl felt the sad truth of that. "aunt rella will get used to it after a while. i'll write to her--i'll make lots of money--and come back in a few years--astonish you all!--meanwhile--kiss me good-by, viva!" she drew back shyly. she had never kissed him. she had never in her life kissed any man younger than an uncle. "no, morton--you mustn't----" she shrank away into the shadow. but, there was no great distance to shrink to, and his strong arms soon drew her close again. "suppose you never see me again," he said. "then you'll wish you hadn't been so stiff about it." she thought of this dread possibility with a sudden chill of horror, and while she hesitated, he took her face between her hands and kissed her on the mouth. steps were heard coming down the path. "they're on," he said with a little laugh. "good-by, viva!" he vaulted the fence and was gone. "what are you doing here, vivian?" demanded her father. "i was saying good-by to morton," she answered with a sob. "you ought to be ashamed of yourself--philandering out here in the middle of the night with that scapegrace! come in the house and go to bed at once--it's ten o'clock." bowing to this confused but almost equally incriminating chronology, she followed him in, meekly enough as to her outward seeming, but inwardly in a state of stormy tumult. she had been kissed! her father's stiff back before her could not blot out the radiant, melting moonlight, the rich sweetness of the flowers, the tender, soft, june night. "you go to bed," said he once more. "i'm ashamed of you." "yes, father," she answered. her little room, when at last she was safely in it and had shut the door and put a chair against it--she had no key--seemed somehow changed. she lit the lamp and stood looking at herself in the mirror. her eyes were star-bright. her cheeks flamed softly. her mouth looked guilty and yet glad. she put the light out and went to the window, kneeling there, leaning out in the fragrant stillness, trying to arrange in her mind this mixture of grief, disapproval, shame and triumph. when the episcopal church clock struck eleven, she went to bed in guilty haste, but not to sleep. for a long time she lay there watching the changing play of moonlight on the floor. she felt almost as if she were married. chapter ii. bainville effects. lockstep, handcuffs, ankle-ball-and-chain, dulltoil and dreary food and drink; small cell, cold cell, narrow bed and hard; high wall, thick wall, window iron-barred; stone-paved, stone-pent little prison yard- young hearts weary of monotony and pain, young hearts weary of reiterant refrain: "they say--they do--what will people think?" at the two front windows of their rather crowded little parlor sat miss rebecca and miss josie foote, miss sallie being out on a foraging expedition--marketing, as it were, among their neighbors to collect fresh food for thought. a tall, slender girl in brown passed on the opposite walk. "i should think vivian lane would get tired of wearing brown," said miss rebecca. "i don't know why she should," her sister promptly protested, "it's a good enough wearing color, and becoming to her." "she could afford to have more variety," said miss rebecca. "the lanes are mean enough about some things, but i know they'd like to have her dress better. she'll never get married in the world." "i don't know why not. she's only twenty-five--and good-looking." "good-looking! that's not everything. plenty of girls marry that are not good-looking--and plenty of good-looking girls stay single." "plenty of homely ones, too. rebecca," said miss josie, with meaning. miss rebecca certainly was not handsome. "going to the library, of course!" she pursued presently. "that girl reads all the time." "so does her grandmother. i see her going and coming from that library every day almost." "oh, well--she reads stories and things like that. sallie goes pretty often and she notices. we use that library enough, goodness knows, but they are there every day. vivian lane reads the queerest things--doctor's books and works on pedagoggy." "godgy," said miss rebecca, "not goggy." and as her sister ignored this correction, she continued: "they might as well have let her go to college when she was so set on it." "college! i don't believe she'd have learned as much in any college, from what i hear of 'em, as she has in all this time at home." the foote girls had never entertained a high opinion of extensive culture. "i don't see any use in a girl's studying so much," said miss rebecca with decision. "nor i," agreed miss josie. "men don't like learned women." "they don't seem to always like those that aren't learned, either," remarked miss rebecca with a pleasant sense of retribution for that remark about "homely ones." the tall girl in brown had seen the two faces at the windows opposite, and had held her shoulders a little straighter as she turned the corner. "nine years this summer since morton elder went west," murmured miss josie, reminiscently. "i shouldn't wonder if vivian had stayed single on his account." "nonsense!" her sister answered sharply. "she's not that kind. she's not popular with men, that's all. she's too intellectual." "she ought to be in the library instead of sue elder," miss rebecca suggested. "she's far more competent. sue's a feather-headed little thing." "she seems to give satisfaction so far. if the trustees are pleased with her, there's no reason for you to complain that i see," said miss rebecca with decision. * * * * * vivian lane waited at the library desk with an armful of books to take home. she had her card, her mother's and her father's--all utilized. her grandmother kept her own card--and her own counsel. the pretty assistant librarian, withdrawing herself with some emphasis from the unnecessary questions of a too gallant old gentleman, came to attend her. "you _have_ got a load," she said, scribbling complex figures with one end of her hammer-headed pencil, and stamping violet dates with the other. she whisked out the pale blue slips from the lid pockets, dropped them into their proper openings in the desk and inserted the cards in their stead with delicate precision. "can't you wait a bit and go home with me?" she asked. "i'll help you carry them." "no, thanks. i'm not going right home." "you're going to see your saint--i know!" said miss susie, tossing her bright head. "i'm jealous, and you know it." "don't be a goose, susie! you know you're my very best friend, but--she's different." "i should think she was different!" susie sharply agreed. "and you've been 'different' ever since she came." "i hope so," said vivian gravely. "mrs. st. cloud brings out one's very best and highest. i wish you liked her better, susie." "i like you," susie answered. "you bring out my 'best and highest'--if i've got any. she don't. she's like a lovely, faint, bright--bubble! i want to prick it!" vivian smiled down upon her. "you bad little mouse!" she said. "come, give me the books." "leave them with me, and i'll bring them in the car." susie looked anxious to make amends for her bit of blasphemy. "all right, dear. thank you. i'll be home by that time, probably." * * * * * in the street she stopped before a little shop where papers and magazines were sold. "i believe father'd like the new centurion," she said to herself, and got it for him, chatting a little with the one-armed man who kept the place. she stopped again at a small florist's and bought a little bag of bulbs. "your mother's forgotten about those, i guess," said mrs. crothers, the florist's wife, "but they'll do just as well now. lucky you thought of them before it got too late in the season. bennie was awfully pleased with that red and blue pencil you gave him, miss lane." vivian walked on. a child ran out suddenly from a gate and seized upon her. "aren't you coming in to see me--ever?" she demanded. vivian stooped and kissed her. "yes, dear, but not to-night. how's that dear baby getting on?" "she's better," said the little girl. "mother said thank you--lots of times. wait a minute--" the child fumbled in vivian's coat pocket with a mischievous upward glance, fished out a handful of peanuts, and ran up the path laughing while the tall girl smiled down upon her lovingly. a long-legged boy was lounging along the wet sidewalk. vivian caught up with him and he joined her with eagerness. "good evening, miss lane. say--are you coming to the club to-morrow night?" she smiled cordially. "of course i am, johnny. i wouldn't disappoint my boys for anything--nor myself, either." they walked on together chatting until, at the minister's house, she bade him a cheery "good-night." mrs. st. cloud was at the window pensively watching the western sky. she saw the girl coming and let her in with a tender, radiant smile--a lovely being in a most unlovely room. there was a chill refinement above subdued confusion in that cambridge-bainville parlor, where the higher culture of the second mrs. williams, superimposed upon the lower culture of the first, as that upon the varying tastes of a combined ancestry, made the place somehow suggestive of excavations at abydos. it was much the kind of parlor vivian had been accustomed to from childhood, but mrs. st. cloud was of a type quite new to her. clothed in soft, clinging fabrics, always with a misty, veiled effect to them, wearing pale amber, large, dull stones of uncertain shapes, and slender chains that glittered here and there among her scarfs and laces, sinking gracefully among deep cushions, even able to sink gracefully into a common bainville chair--this beautiful woman had captured the girl's imagination from the first. clearly known, she was a sister of mrs. williams, visiting indefinitely. vaguely--and very frequently--hinted, her husband had "left her," and "she did not believe in divorce." against her background of dumb patience, he shone darkly forth as a brute of unknown cruelties. nothing against him would she ever say, and every young masculine heart yearned to make life brighter to the ideal woman, so strangely neglected; also some older ones. her young men's bible class was the pride of mr. williams' heart and joy of such young men as the town possessed; most of bainville's boys had gone. "a wonderful uplifting influence," mr. williams called her, and refused to say anything, even when directly approached, as to "the facts" of her trouble. "it is an old story," he would say. "she bears up wonderfully. she sacrifices her life rather than her principles." to vivian, sitting now on a hassock at the lady's feet and looking up at her with adoring eyes, she was indeed a star, a saint, a cloud of mystery. she reached out a soft hand, white, slender, delicately kept, wearing one thin gold ring, and stroked the girl's smooth hair. vivian seized the hand and kissed it, blushing as she did so. "you foolish child! don't waste your young affection on an old lady like me." "old! you! you don't look as old as i do this minute!" said the girl with hushed intensity. "life wears on you, i'm afraid, my dear.... do you ever hear from him?" to no one else, not even to susie, could vivian speak of what now seemed the tragedy of her lost youth. "no," said she. "never now. he did write once or twice--at first." "he writes to his aunt, of course?" "yes," said vivian. "but not often. and he never--says anything." "i understand. poor child! you must be true, and wait." and the lady turned the thin ring on her finger. vivian watched her in a passion of admiring tenderness. "oh, you understand!" she exclaimed. "you understand!" "i understand, my dear," said mrs. st. cloud. when vivian reached her own gate she leaned her arms upon it and looked first one way and then the other, down the long, still street. the country was in sight at both ends--the low, monotonous, wooded hills that shut them in. it was all familiar, wearingly familiar. she had known it continuously for such part of her lifetime as was sensitive to landscape effects, and had at times a mad wish for an earthquake to change the outlines a little. the infrequent trolley car passed just then and sue elder joined her, to take the short cut home through the lane's yard. "here you are," she said cheerfully, "and here are the books." vivian thanked her. "oh, say--come in after supper, can't you? aunt rella's had another letter from mort." vivian's sombre eyes lit up a little. "how's he getting on? in the same business he was last year?" she asked with an elaborately cheerful air. morton had seemed to change occupations oftener than he wrote letters. "yes, i believe so. i guess he's well. he never says much, you know. i don't think it's good for him out there--good for any boy." and susie looked quite the older sister. "what are they to do? they can't stay here." "no, i suppose not--but we have to." "dr. bellair didn't," remarked vivian. "i like her--tremendously, don't you?" in truth, dr. bellair was already a close second to mrs. st. cloud in the girl's hero-worshipping heart. "oh, yes; she's splendid! aunt rella is so glad to have her with us. they have great times recalling their school days together. aunty used to like her then, though she is five years older--but you'd never dream it. and i think she's real handsome." "she's not beautiful," said vivian, with decision, "but she's a lot better. sue elder, i wish----" "wish what?" asked her friend. sue put the books on the gate-post, and the two girls, arm in arm, walked slowly up and down. susie was a round, palely rosy little person, with a delicate face and soft, light hair waving fluffily about her small head. vivian's hair was twice the length, but so straight and fine that its mass had no effect. she wore it in smooth plaits wound like a wreath from brow to nape. after an understanding silence and a walk past three gates and back again, vivian answered her. "i wish i were in your shoes," she said. "what do you mean--having the doctor in the house?" "no--i'd like that too; but i mean work to do--your position." "oh, the library! you needn't; it's horrid. i wish i were in your shoes, and had a father and mother to take care of me. i can tell you, it's no fun--having to be there just on time or get fined, and having to poke away all day with those phooty old ladies and tiresome children." "but you're independent." "oh, yes, i'm independent. i have to be. aunt rella _could_ take care of me, i suppose, but of course i wouldn't let her. and i dare say library work is better than school-teaching." "what'll we be doing when we're forty, i wonder?" said vivian, after another turn. "forty! why i expect to be a grandma by that time," said sue. she was but twenty-one, and forty looked a long way off to her. "a grandma! and knit?" suggested vivian. "oh, yes--baby jackets--and blankets--and socks--and little shawls. i love to knit," said sue, cheerfully. "but suppose you don't marry?" pursued her friend. "oh, but i shall marry--you see if i don't. marriage"--here she carefully went inside the gate and latched it--"marriage is--a woman's duty!" and she ran up the path laughing. vivian laughed too, rather grimly, and slowly walked towards her own door. the little sitting-room was hot, very hot; but mr. lane sat with his carpet-slippered feet on its narrow hearth with a shawl around him. "shut the door, vivian!" he exclaimed irritably. "i'll never get over this cold if such draughts are let in on me." "why, it's not cold out, father--and it's very close in here." mrs. lane looked up from her darning. "you think it's close because you've come in from outdoors. sit down--and don't fret your father; i'm real worried about him." mr. lane coughed hollowly. he had become a little dry old man with gray, glassy eyes, and had been having colds in this fashion ever since vivian could remember. "dr. bellair says that the out-door air is the best medicine for a cold," remarked vivian, as she took off her things. "dr. bellair has not been consulted in this case," her father returned wheezingly. "i'm quite satisfied with my family physician. he's a man, at any rate." "save me from these women doctors!" exclaimed his wife. vivian set her lips patiently. she had long since learned how widely she differed from both father and mother, and preferred silence to dispute. mr. lane was a plain, ordinary person, who spent most of a moderately useful life in the shoe business, from which he had of late withdrawn. both he and his wife "had property" to a certain extent; and now lived peacefully on their income with neither fear nor hope, ambition nor responsibility to trouble them. the one thing they were yet anxious about was to see vivian married, but this wish seemed to be no nearer to fulfillment for the passing years. "i don't know what the women are thinking of, these days," went on the old gentleman, putting another shovelful of coal on the fire with a careful hand. "doctors and lawyers and even ministers, some of 'em! the lord certainly set down a woman's duty pretty plain--she was to cleave unto her husband!" "some women have no husbands to cleave to, father." "they'd have husbands fast enough if they'd behave themselves," he answered. "no man's going to want to marry one of these self-sufficient independent, professional women, of course." "i do hope, viva," said her mother, "that you're not letting that dr. bellair put foolish ideas into your head." "i want to do something to support myself--sometime, mother. i can't live on my parents forever." "you be patient, child. there's money enough for you to live on. it's a woman's place to wait," put in mr. lane. "how long?" inquired vivian. "i'm twenty-five. no man has asked me to marry him yet. some of the women in this town have waited thirty--forty--fifty--sixty years. no one has asked them." "i was married at sixteen," suddenly remarked vivian's grandmother. "and my mother wasn't but fifteen. huh!" a sudden little derisive noise she made; such as used to be written "humph!" for the past five years, mrs. pettigrew had made her home with the lanes. mrs. lane herself was but a feeble replica of her energetic parent. there was but seventeen years difference in their ages, and comparative idleness with some ill-health on the part of the daughter, had made the difference appear less. mrs. pettigrew had but a poor opinion of the present generation. in her active youth she had reared a large family on a small income; in her active middle-age, she had trotted about from daughter's house to son's house, helping with the grandchildren. and now she still trotted about in all weathers, visiting among the neighbors and vibrating as regularly as a pendulum between her daughter's house and the public library. the books she brought home were mainly novels, and if she perused anything else in the severe quiet of the reading-room, she did not talk about it. indeed, it was a striking characteristic of mrs. pettigrew that she talked very little, though she listened to all that went on with a bright and beady eye, as of a highly intelligent parrot. and now, having dropped her single remark into the conversation, she shut her lips tight as was her habit, and drew another ball of worsted from the black bag that always hung at her elbow. she was making one of those perennial knitted garments, which, in her young days, were called "cardigan jackets," later "jerseys," and now by the offensive name of "sweater." these she constructed in great numbers, and their probable expense was a source of discussion in the town. "how do you find friends enough to give them to?" they asked her, and she would smile enigmatically and reply, "good presents make good friends." "if a woman minds her p's and q's she can get a husband easy enough," insisted the invalid. "just shove that lamp nearer, vivian, will you." vivian moved the lamp. her mother moved her chair to follow it and dropped her darning egg, which the girl handed to her. "supper's ready," announced a hard-featured middle-aged woman, opening the dining-room door. at this moment the gate clicked, and a firm step was heard coming up the path. "gracious, that's the minister!" cried mrs. lane. "he said he'd be in this afternoon if he got time. i thought likely 'twould be to supper." she received him cordially, and insisted on his staying, slipping out presently to open a jar of quinces. the reverend otis williams was by no means loathe to take occasional meals with his parishioners. it was noted that, in making pastoral calls, he began with the poorer members of his flock, and frequently arrived about meal-time at the houses of those whose cooking he approved. "it is always a treat to take supper here," he said. "not feeling well, mr. lane? i'm sorry to hear it. ah! mrs. pettigrew! is that jacket for me, by any chance? a little sombre, isn't it? good evening, vivian. you are looking well--as you always do." vivian did not like him. he had married her mother, he had christened her, she had "sat under" him for long, dull, uninterrupted years; yet still she didn't like him. "a chilly evening, mr. lane," he pursued. "that's what i say," his host agreed. "vivian says it isn't; i say it is." "disagreement in the family! this won't do, vivian," said the minister jocosely. "duty to parents, you know! duty to parents!" "does duty to parents alter the temperature?" the girl asked, in a voice of quiet sweetness, yet with a rebellious spark in her soft eyes. "huh!" said her grandmother--and dropped her gray ball. vivian picked it up and the old lady surreptitiously patted her. "pardon me," said the reverend gentleman to mrs. pettigrew, "did you speak?" "no," said the old lady, "seldom do." "silence is golden, mrs. pettigrew. silence is golden. speech is silver, but silence is golden. it is a rare gift." mrs. pettigrew set her lips so tightly that they quite disappeared, leaving only a thin dented line in her smoothly pale face. she was called by the neighbors "wonderfully well preserved," a phrase she herself despised. some visitor, new to the town, had the hardihood to use it to her face once. "huh!" was the response. "i'm just sixty. henry haskins and george baker and stephen doolittle are all older'n i am--and still doing business, doing it better'n any of the young folks as far as i can see. you don't compare them to canned pears, do you?" mr. williams knew her value in church work, and took no umbrage at her somewhat inimical expression; particularly as just then mrs. lane appeared and asked them to walk out to supper. vivian sat among them, restrained and courteous, but inwardly at war with her surroundings. here was her mother, busy, responsible, serving creamed codfish and hot biscuit; her father, eating wheezily, and finding fault with the biscuit, also with the codfish; her grandmother, bright-eyed, thin-lipped and silent. vivian got on well with her grandmother, though neither of them talked much. "my mother used to say that the perfect supper was cake, preserves, hot bread, and a 'relish,'" said mr. williams genially. "you have the perfect supper, mrs. lane." "i'm glad if you enjoy it, i'm sure," said that lady. "i'm fond of a bit of salt myself." "and what are you reading now, vivian," he asked paternally. "ward," she answered, modestly and briefly. "ward? dr. ward of the _centurion_?" vivian smiled her gentlest. "oh, no," she replied; "lester f. ward, the sociologist." "poor stuff, i think!" said her father. "girls have no business to read such things." "i wish you'd speak to vivian about it, mr. williams. she's got beyond me," protested her mother. "huh!" said mrs. pettigrew. "i'd like some more of that quince, laura." "my dear young lady, you are not reading books of which your parents disapprove, i hope?" urged the minister. "shouldn't i--ever?" asked the girl, in her soft, disarming manner. "i'm surely old enough!" "the duty of a daughter is not measured by years," he replied sonorously. "does parental duty cease? are you not yet a child in your father's house?" "is a daughter always a child if she lives at home?" inquired the girl, as one seeking instruction. he set down his cup and wiped his lips, flushing somewhat. "the duty of a daughter begins at the age when she can understand the distinction between right and wrong," he said, "and continues as long as she is blessed with parents." "and what is it?" she asked, large-eyed, attentive. "what is it?" he repeated, looking at her in some surprise. "it is submission, obedience--obedience." "i see. so mother ought to obey grandmother," she pursued meditatively, and mrs. pettigrew nearly choked in her tea. vivian was boiling with rebellion. to sit there and be lectured at the table, to have her father complain of her, her mother invite pastoral interference, the minister preach like that. she slapped her grandmother's shoulder, readjusted the little knit shawl on the straight back--and refrained from further speech. when mrs. pettigrew could talk, she demanded suddenly of the minister, "have you read campbell's new theology?" and from that on they were all occupied in listening to mr. williams' strong, clear and extensive views on the subject--which lasted into the parlor again. vivian sat for awhile in the chair nearest the window, where some thin thread of air might possibly leak in, and watched the minister with a curious expression. all her life he had been held up to her as a person to honor, as a man of irreproachable character, great learning and wisdom. of late she found with a sense of surprise that she did not honor him at all. he seemed to her suddenly like a relic of past ages, a piece of an old parchment--or papyrus. in the light of the studies she had been pursuing in the well-stored town library, the teachings of this worthy old gentleman appeared a jumble of age-old traditions, superimposed one upon another. "he's a palimpsest," she said to herself, "and a poor palimpsest at that." she sat with her shapely hands quiet in her lap while her grandmother's shining needles twinkled in the dark wool, and her mother's slim crochet hook ran along the widening spaces of some thin, white, fuzzy thing. the rich powers of her young womanhood longed for occupation, but she could never hypnotize herself with "fancywork." her work must be worth while. she felt the crushing cramp and loneliness of a young mind, really stronger than those about her, yet held in dumb subjection. she could not solace herself by loving them; her father would have none of it, and her mother had small use for what she called "sentiment." all her life vivian had longed for more loving, both to give and take; but no one ever imagined it of her, she was so quiet and repressed in manner. the local opinion was that if a woman had a head, she could not have a heart; and as to having a body--it was indelicate to consider such a thing. "i mean to have six children," vivian had planned when she was younger. "and they shall never be hungry for more loving." she meant to make up to her vaguely imagined future family for all that her own youth missed. even grandma, though far more sympathetic in temperament, was not given to demonstration, and vivian solaced her big, tender heart by cuddling all the babies she could reach, and petting cats and dogs when no children were to be found. presently she arose and bade a courteous goodnight to the still prolix parson. "i'm going over to sue's," she said, and went out. * * * * * there was a moon again--a low, large moon, hazily brilliant. the air was sweet with the odors of scarce-gone summer, of coming autumn. the girl stood still, half-way down the path, and looked steadily into that silver radiance. moonlight always filled her heart with a vague excitement, a feeling that something ought to happen--soon. this flat, narrow life, so long, so endlessly long--would nothing ever end it? nine years since morton went away! nine years since the strange, invading thrill of her first kiss! back of that was only childhood; these years really constituted life; and life, in the girl's eyes, was a dreary treadmill. she was externally quiet, and by conscience dutiful; so dutiful, so quiet, so without powers of expression, that the ache of an unsatisfied heart, the stir of young ambitions, were wholly unsuspected by those about her. a studious, earnest, thoughtful girl--but study alone does not supply life's needs, nor does such friendship as her life afforded. susie was "a dear"--susie was morton's sister, and she was very fond of her. but that bright-haired child did not understand--could not understand--all that she needed. then came mrs. st. cloud into her life, stirring the depths of romance, of the buried past, and of the unborn future. from her she learned to face a life of utter renunciation, to be true, true to her ideals, true to her principles, true to the past, to be patient; and to wait. so strengthened, she had turned a deaf ear to such possible voice of admiration as might have come from the scant membership of the young men's bible class, leaving them the more devoted to scripture study. there was no thin ring to turn upon her finger; but, for lack of better token, she had saved the rose she wore upon her breast that night, keeping it hidden among her precious things. and then, into the gray, flat current of her daily life, sharply across the trend of mrs. st. cloud's soft influence, had come a new force--dr. bellair. vivian liked her, yet felt afraid, a slight, shivering hesitancy as before a too cold bath, a subtle sense that this breezy woman, strong, cheerful, full of new ideas, if not ideals, and radiating actual power, power used and enjoyed, might in some way change the movement of her life. change she desired, she longed for, but dreaded the unknown. slowly she followed the long garden path, paused lingeringly by that rough garden seat, went through and closed the gate. chapter iii. the outbreak there comes a time after white months of ice- slow months of ice--long months of ice- there comes a time when the still floods below rise, lift, and overflow- fast, far they go. miss orella sat in her low armless rocker, lifting perplexed, patient eyes to look up at dr. bellair. dr. bellair stood squarely before her, stood easily, on broad-soled, low-heeled shoes, and looked down at miss orella; her eyes were earnest, compelling, full of hope and cheer. "you are as pretty as a girl, orella," she observed irrelevantly. miss orella blushed. she was not used to compliments, even from a woman, and did not know how to take them. "how you talk!" she murmured shyly. "i mean to talk," continued the doctor, "until you listen to reason." reason in this case, to dr. bellair's mind, lay in her advice to miss elder to come west with her--to live. "i don't see how i can. it's--it's such a complete change." miss orella spoke as if change were equivalent to sin, or at least to danger. "do you good. as a physician, i can prescribe nothing better. you need a complete change if anybody ever did." "why, jane! i am quite well." "i didn't say you were sick. but you are in an advanced stage of _arthritis deformans_ of the soul. the whole town's got it!" the doctor tramped up and down the little room, freeing her mind. "i never saw such bed-ridden intellects in my life! i suppose it was so when i was a child--and i was too young to notice it. but surely it's worse now. the world goes faster and faster every day, the people who keep still get farther behind! i'm fond of you, rella. you've got an intellect, and a conscience, and a will--a will like iron. but you spend most of your strength in keeping yourself down. now, do wake up and use it to break loose! you don't have to stay here. come out to colorado with me--and grow." miss elder moved uneasily in her chair. she laid her small embroidery hoop on the table, and straightened out the loose threads of silk, the doctor watching her impatiently. "i'm too old," she said at length. jane bellair laughed aloud, shortly. "old!" she cried. "you're five years younger than i am. you're only thirty-six! old! why, child, your life's before you--to make." "you don't realize, jane. you struck out for yourself so young--and you've grown up out there--it seems to be so different--there." "it is. people aren't afraid to move. what have you got here you so hate to leave, rella?" "why, it's--home." "yes. it's home--now. are you happy in it?" "i'm--contented." "don't you deceive yourself, rella. you are not contented--not by a long chalk. you are doing your duty as you see it; and you've kept yourself down so long you've almost lost the power of motion. i'm trying to galvanize you awake--and i mean to do it." "you might as well sit down while you're doing it, anyway," miss elder suggested meekly. dr. bellair sat down, selecting a formidable fiddle-backed chair, the unflinching determination of its widely-placed feet being repeated by her own square toes. she placed herself in front of her friend and leaned forward, elbows on knees, her strong, intelligent hands clasped loosely. "what have you got to look forward to, rella?" "i want to see susie happily married--" "i said _you_--not susie." "oh--me? why, i hope some day morton will come back----" "i said _you_--not morton." "why i--you know i have friends, jane--and neighbors. and some day, perhaps--i mean to go abroad." "are you scolding aunt rella again, dr. bellair. i won't stand it." pretty susie stood in the door smiling. "come and help me then," the doctor said, "and it won't sound so much like scolding." "i want mort's letter--to show to viva," the girl answered, and slipped out with it. she sat with vivian on the stiff little sofa in the back room; the arms of the two girls were around one another, and they read the letter together. more than six months had passed since his last one. it was not much of a letter. vivian took it in her own hands and went through it again, carefully. the "remember me to viva--unless she's married," at the end did not seem at all satisfying. still it might mean more than appeared--far more. men were reticent and proud, she had read. it was perfectly possible that he might be concealing deep emotion under the open friendliness. he was in no condition to speak freely, to come back and claim her. he did not wish her to feel bound to him. she had discussed it with mrs. st. cloud, shrinkingly, tenderly, led on by tactful, delicate, questions, by the longing of her longing heart for expression and sympathy. "a man who cannot marry must speak of marriage--it is not honorable," her friend had told her. "couldn't he--write to me--as a friend?" and the low-voiced lady had explained with a little sigh that men thought little of friendship with women. "i have tried, all my life, to be a true and helpful friend to men, to such men as seemed worthy, and they so often--misunderstood." the girl, sympathetic and admiring, thought hotly of how other people misunderstood this noble, lovely soul; how they even hinted that she "tried to attract men," a deadly charge in bainville. "no," mrs. st. cloud had told her, "he might love you better than all the world--yet not write to you--till he was ready to say 'come.' and, of course, he wouldn't say anything in his letters to his aunt." so vivian sat there, silent, weaving frail dreams out of "remember me to viva--unless she's married." that last clause might mean much. dr. bellair's voice sounded clear and insistent in the next room. "she's trying to persuade aunt rella to go west!" said susie. "wouldn't it be funny if she did!" in susie's eyes her aunt's age was as the age of mountains, and also her fixity. since she could remember, aunt rella, always palely pretty and neat, like the delicate, faintly-colored spring flowers of new england, had presided over the small white house, the small green garden and the large black and white school-room. in her vacation she sewed, keeping that quiet wardrobe of hers in exquisite order--and also making susie's pretty dresses. to think of aunt orella actually "breaking up housekeeping," giving up her school, leaving bainville, was like a vision of trees walking. to dr. jane bellair, forty-one, vigorous, successful, full of new plans and purposes, miss elder's life appeared as an arrested girlhood, stagnating unnecessarily in this quiet town, while all the world was open to her. "i couldn't think of leaving susie!" protested miss orella. "bring her along," said the doctor. "best thing in the world for her!" she rose and came to the door. the two girls make a pretty picture. vivian's oval face, with its smooth madonna curves under the encircling wreath of soft, dark plaits, and the long grace of her figure, delicately built, yet strong, beside the pink, plump little susie, roguish and pretty, with the look that made everyone want to take care of her. "come in here, girls," said the doctor. "i want you to help me. you're young enough to be movable, i hope." they cheerfully joined the controversy, but miss orella found small support in them. "why don't you do it, auntie!" susie thought it an excellent joke. "i suppose you could teach school in denver as well as here. and you could vote! oh, auntie--to think of your voting!" miss elder, too modestly feminine, too inherently conservative even to be an outspoken "anti," fairly blushed at the idea. "she's hesitating on your account," dr. bellair explained to the girl. "wants to see you safely married! i tell her you'll have a thousandfold better opportunities in colorado than you ever will here." vivian was grieved. she had heard enough of this getting married, and had expected dr. bellair to hold a different position. "surely, that's not the only thing to do," she protested. "no, but it's a very important thing to do--and to do right. it's a woman's duty." vivian groaned in spirit. that again! the doctor watched her understandingly. "if women only did their duty in that line there wouldn't be so much unhappiness in the world," she said. "all you new england girls sit here and cut one another's throats. you can't possible marry, your boys go west, you overcrowd the labor market, lower wages, steadily drive the weakest sisters down till they--drop." they heard the back door latch lift and close again, a quick, decided step--and mrs. pettigrew joined them. miss elder greeted her cordially, and the old lady seated herself in the halo of the big lamp, as one well accustomed to the chair. "go right on," she said--and knitted briskly. "do take my side, mrs. pettigrew," miss orella implored her. "jane bellair is trying to pull me up by the roots and transplant me to colorado." "and she says i shall have a better chance to marry out there--and ought to do it!" said susie, very solemnly. "and vivian objects to being shown the path of duty." vivian smiled. her quiet, rather sad face lit with sudden sparkling beauty when she smiled. "grandma knows i hate that--point of view," she said. "i think men and women ought to be friends, and not always be thinking about--that." "i have some real good friends--boys, i mean," susie agreed, looking so serious in her platonic boast that even vivian was a little amused, and dr. bellair laughed outright. "you won't have a 'friend' in that sense till you're fifty, miss susan--if you ever do. there can be, there are, real friendships between men and women, but most of that talk is--talk, sometimes worse. "i knew a woman once, ever so long ago," the doctor continued musingly, clasping her hands behind her head, "a long way from here--in a college town--who talked about 'friends.' she was married. she was a 'good' woman--perfectly 'good' woman. her husband was not a very good man, i've heard, and strangely impatient of her virtues. she had a string of boys--college boys--always at her heels. quite too young and too charming she was for this friendship game. she said that such a friendship was 'an ennobling influence' for the boys. she called them her 'acolytes.' lots of them were fairly mad about her--one young chap was so desperate over it that he shot himself." there was a pained silence. "i don't see what this has to do with going to colorado," said mrs. pettigrew, looking from one to the other with a keen, observing eye. "what's your plan, dr. bellair?" "why, i'm trying to persuade my old friend here to leave this place, change her occupation, come out to colorado with me, and grow up. she's a case of arrested development." "she wants me to keep boarders!" miss elder plaintively protested to mrs. pettigrew. that lady was not impressed. "it's quite a different matter out there, mrs. pettigrew," the doctor explained. "'keeping boarders' in this country goes to the tune of 'come ye disconsolate!' it's a doubtful refuge for women who are widows or would be better off if they were. where i live it's a sure thing if well managed--it's a good business." mrs. pettigrew wore an unconvinced aspect. "what do you call 'a good business?'" she asked. "the house i have in mind cleared a thousand a year when it was in right hands. that's not bad, over and above one's board and lodging. that house is in the market now. i've just had a letter from a friend about it. orella could go out with me, and step right into mrs. annerly's shoes--she's just giving up." "what'd she give up for?" mrs. pettigrew inquired suspiciously. "oh--she got married; they all do. there are three men to one woman in that town, you see." "i didn't know there was such a place in the world--unless it was a man-of-war," remarked susie, looking much interested. dr. bellair went on more quietly. "it's not even a risk, mrs. pettigrew. rella has a cousin who would gladly run this house for her. she's admitted that much. so there's no loss here, and she's got her home to come back to. i can write to dick hale to nail the proposition at once. she can go when i go, in about a fortnight, and i'll guarantee the first year definitely." "i wouldn't think of letting you do that, jane! and if it's as good as you say, there's no need. but a fortnight! to leave home--in a fortnight!" "what are the difficulties?" the old lady inquired. "there are always some difficulties." "you are right, there," agreed the doctor. "the difficulties in this place are servants. but just now there's a special chance in that line. dick says the best cook in town is going begging. i'll read you his letter." she produced it, promptly, from the breast pocket of her neat coat. dr. bellair wore rather short, tailored skirts of first-class material; natty, starched blouses--silk ones for "dress," and perfectly fitting light coats. their color and texture might vary with the season, but their pockets, never. "'my dear jane' (this is my best friend out there--a doctor, too. we were in the same class, both college and medical school. we fight--he's a misogynist of the worst type--but we're good friends all the same.) 'why don't you come back? my boys are lonesome without you, and i am overworked--you left so many mishandled invalids for me to struggle with. your boarding house is going to the dogs. mrs. annerly got worse and worse, failed completely and has cleared out, with a species of husband, i believe. the owner has put in a sort of caretaker, and the roomers get board outside--it's better than what they were having. moreover, the best cook in town is hunting a job. wire me and i'll nail her. you know the place pays well. now, why don't you give up your unnatural attempt to be a doctor and assume woman's proper sphere? come back and keep house!' "he's a great tease, but he tells the truth. the house is there, crying to be kept. the boarders are there--unfed. now, orella elder, why don't you wake up and seize the opportunity?" miss orella was thinking. "where's that last letter of morton's?" susie looked for it. vivian handed it to her, and miss elder read it once more. "there's plenty of homeless boys out there besides yours, orella," the doctor assured her. "come on--and bring both these girls with you. it's a chance for any girl, miss lane." but her friend did not hear her. she found what she was looking for in the letter and read it aloud. "i'm on the road again now, likely to be doing colorado most of the year if things go right. it's a fine country." susie hopped up with a little cry. "just the thing, aunt rella! let's go out and surprise mort. he thinks we are just built into the ground here. won't it be fun, viva?" vivian had risen from her seat and stood at the window, gazing out with unseeing eyes at the shadowy little front yard. morton might be there. she might see him. but--was it womanly to go there--for that? there were other reasons, surely. she had longed for freedom, for a chance to grow, to do something in life--something great and beautiful! perhaps this was the opening of the gate, the opportunity of a lifetime. "you folks are so strong on duty," the doctor was saying, "why can't you see a real duty in this? i tell you, the place is full of men that need mothering, and sistering--good honest sweethearting and marrying, too. come on, rella. do bigger work than you've ever done yet--and, as i said, bring both these nice girls with you. what do you say, miss lane?" vivian turned to her, her fine face flushed with hope, yet with a small greek fret on the broad forehead. "i'd like to, very much, dr. bellair--on some accounts. but----" she could not quite voice her dim objections, her obscure withdrawals; and so fell back on the excuse of childhood--"i'm sure mother wouldn't let me." dr. bellair smiled broadly. "aren't you over twenty-one?" she asked. "i'm twenty-five," the girl replied, with proud acceptance of a life long done--as one who owned to ninety-seven. "and self-supporting?" pursued the doctor. vivian flushed. "no--not yet," she answered; "but i mean to be." "exactly! now's your chance. break away now, my dear, and come west. you can get work--start a kindergarten, or something. i know you love children." the girl's heart rose within her in a great throb of hope. "oh--if i _could_!" she exclaimed, and even as she said it, rose half-conscious memories of the low, sweet tones of mrs. st. cloud. "it is a woman's place to wait--and to endure." she heard a step on the walk outside--looked out. "why, here is mrs. st. cloud!" she cried. "guess i'll clear out," said the doctor, as susie ran to the door. she was shy, socially. "nonsense, jane," said her hostess, whispering. "mrs. st. cloud is no stranger. she's mrs. williams' sister--been here for years." she came in at the word, her head and shoulders wreathed in a pearl gray shining veil, her soft long robe held up. "i saw your light, miss elder, and thought i'd stop in for a moment. good evening, mrs. pettigrew--and miss susie. ah! vivian!" "this is my friend, dr. bellair--mrs. st. cloud," miss elder was saying. but dr. bellair bowed a little stiffly, not coming forward. "i've met mrs. st. cloud before, i think--when she was 'mrs. james.'" the lady's face grew sad. "ah, you knew my first husband! i lost him--many years ago--typhoid fever." "i think i heard," said the doctor. and then, feeling that some expression of sympathy was called for, she added, "too bad." not all miss elder's gentle hospitality, mrs. pettigrew's bright-eyed interest, susie's efforts at polite attention, and vivian's visible sympathy could compensate mrs. st. cloud for one inimical presence. "you must have been a mere girl in those days," she said sweetly. "what a lovely little town it was--under the big trees." "it certainly was," the doctor answered dryly. "there is such a fine atmosphere in a college town, i think," pursued the lady. "especially in a co-educational town--don't you think so?" vivian was a little surprised. she had had an idea that her admired friend did not approve of co-education. she must have been mistaken. "such a world of old memories as you call up, dr. bellair," their visitor pursued. "those quiet, fruitful days! you remember dr. black's lectures? of course you do, better than i. what a fine man he was! and the beautiful music club we had one winter--and my little private dancing class--do you remember that? such nice boys, miss elder! i used to call them my acolytes." susie gave a little gulp, and coughed to cover it. "i guess you'll have to excuse me, ladies," said dr. bellair. "good-night." and she walked upstairs. vivian's face flushed and paled and flushed again. a cold pain was trying to enter her heart, and she was trying to keep it out. her grandmother glanced sharply from one face to the other. "glad to've met you, mrs. st. cloud," she said, bobbing up with decision. "good-night, rella--and susie. come on child. it's a wonder your mother hasn't sent after us." for once vivian was glad to go. "that's a good scheme of jane bellair's, don't you think so?" asked the old lady as they shut the gate behind them. "i--why yes--i don't see why not." vivian was still dizzy with the blow to her heart's idol. all the soft, still dream-world she had so labored to keep pure and beautiful seemed to shake and waver swimmingly. she could not return to it. the flat white face of her home loomed before her, square, hard, hideously unsympathetic-"grandma," said she, stopping that lady suddenly and laying a pleading hand on her arm, "grandma, i believe i'll go." mrs. pettigrew nodded decisively. "i thought you would," she said. "do you blame me, grandma?" "not a mite, child. not a mite. but i'd sleep on it, if i were you." and vivian slept on it--so far as she slept at all. chapter iv transplanted sometimes a plant in its own habitat is overcrowded, starved, oppressed and daunted; a palely feeble thing; yet rises quickly, growing in height and vigor, blooming thickly, when far transplanted. the days between vivian's decision and her departure were harder than she had foreseen. it took some courage to make the choice. had she been alone, independent, quite free to change, the move would have been difficult enough; but to make her plan and hold to it in the face of a disapproving town, and the definite opposition of her parents, was a heavy undertaking. by habit she would have turned to mrs. st. cloud for advice; but between her and that lady now rose the vague image of a young boy, dead,--she could never feel the same to her again. dr. bellair proved a tower of strength. "my dear girl," she would say to her, patiently, but with repressed intensity, "do remember that you are _not_ a child! you are twenty-five years old. you are a grown woman, and have as much right to decide for yourself as a grown man. this isn't wicked--it is a wise move; a practical one. do you want to grow up like the rest of the useless single women in this little social cemetery?" her mother took it very hard. "i don't see how you can think of leaving us. we're getting old now--and here's grandma to take care of----" "huh!" said that lady, with such marked emphasis that mrs. lane hastily changed the phrase to "i mean to _be with_--you do like to have vivian with you, you can't deny that, mother." "but mama," said the girl, "you are not old; you are only forty-three. i am sorry to leave you--i am really; but it isn't forever! i can come back. and you don't really need me. sarah runs the house exactly as you like; you don't depend on me for a thing, and never did. as to grandma!"--and she looked affectionately at the old lady--"she don't need me nor anybody else. she's independent if ever anybody was. she won't miss me a mite--will you grandma?" mrs. pettigrew looked at her for a moment, the corners of her mouth tucked in tightly. "no," she said, "i shan't miss you a mite!" vivian was a little grieved at the prompt acquiescence. she felt nearer to her grandmother in many ways than to either parent. "well, i'll miss you!" said she, going to her and kissing her smooth pale cheek, "i'll miss you awfully!" mr. lane expressed his disapproval most thoroughly, and more than once; then retired into gloomy silence, alternated with violent dissuasion; but since a woman of twenty-five is certainly free to choose her way of life, and there was no real objection to this change, except that it _was_ a change, and therefore dreaded, his opposition, though unpleasant, was not prohibitive. vivian's independent fortune of $87.50, the savings of many years, made the step possible, even without his assistance. there were two weeks of exceeding disagreeableness in the household, but vivian kept her temper and her determination under a rain of tears, a hail of criticism, and heavy wind of argument and exhortation. all her friends and neighbors, and many who were neither, joined in the effort to dissuade her; but she stood firm as the martyrs of old. heredity plays strange tricks with us. somewhere under the girl's dumb gentleness and patience lay a store of quiet strength from some pilgrim father or mother. never before had she set her will against her parents; conscience had always told her to submit. now conscience told her to rebel, and she did. she made her personal arrangements, said goodbye to her friends, declined to discuss with anyone, was sweet and quiet and kind at home, and finally appeared at the appointed hour on the platform of the little station. numbers of curious neighbors were there to see them off, all who knew them and could spare the time seemed to be on hand. vivian's mother came, but her father did not. at the last moment, just as the train drew in, grandma appeared, serene and brisk, descending, with an impressive amount of hand baggage, from "the hack." "goodbye, laura," she said. "i think these girls need a chaperon. i'm going too." so blasting was the astonishment caused by this proclamation, and so short a time remained to express it, that they presently found themselves gliding off in the big pullman, all staring at one another in silent amazement. "i hate discussion," said mrs. pettigrew. * * * * * none of these ladies were used to traveling, save dr. bellair, who had made the cross continent trip often enough to think nothing of it. the unaccustomed travelers found much excitement in the journey. as women, embarking on a new, and, in the eyes of their friends, highly doubtful enterprise, they had emotion to spare; and to be confronted at the outset by a totally unexpected grandmother was too much for immediate comprehension. she looked from one to the other, sparkling, triumphant. "i made up my mind, same as you did, hearing jane bellair talk," she explained. "sounded like good sense. i always wanted to travel, always, and never had the opportunity. this was a real good chance." her mouth shut, tightened, widened, drew into a crinkly delighted smile. they sat still staring at her. "you needn't look at me like that! i guess it's a free country! i bought my ticket--sent for it same as you did. and i didn't have to ask _anybody_--i'm no daughter. my duty, as far as i know it, is _done_! this is a pleasure trip!" she was triumph incarnate. "and you never said a word!" this from vivian. "not a word. saved lots of trouble. take care of me indeed! laura needn't think i'm dependent on her _yet_!" vivian's heart rather yearned over her mother, thus doubly bereft. "the truth is," her grandmother went on, "samuel wants to go to florida the worst way; i heard 'em talking about it! he wasn't willing to go alone--not he! wants somebody to hear him cough, i say! and laura couldn't go--'mother was so dependent'--_huh!_" vivian began to smile. she knew this had been talked over, and given up on that account. she herself could have been easily disposed of, but mrs. lane chose to think her mother a lifelong charge. "act as if i was ninety!" the old lady burst forth again. "i'll show 'em!" "i think you're dead right, mrs. pettigrew," said dr. bellair. "sixty isn't anything. you ought to have twenty years of enjoyable life yet, before they call you 'old'--maybe more." mrs. pettigrew cocked an eye at her. "my grandmother lived to be a hundred and four," said she, "and kept on working up to the last year. i don't know about enjoyin' life, but she was useful for pretty near a solid century. after she broke her hip the last time she sat still and sewed and knitted. after her eyes gave out she took to hooking rugs." "i hope it will be forty years, mrs. pettigrew," said sue, "and i'm real glad you're coming. it'll make it more like home." miss elder was a little slow in accommodating herself to this new accession. she liked mrs. pettigrew very much--but--a grandmother thus airily at large seemed to unsettle the foundations of things. she was polite, even cordial, but evidently found it difficult to accept the facts. "besides," said mrs. pettigrew, "you may not get all those boarders at once and i'll be one to count on. i stopped at the bank this morning and had 'em arrange for my account out in carston. they were some surprised, but there was no time to ask questions!" she relapsed into silence and gazed with keen interest at the whirling landscape. throughout the journey she proved the best of travelers; was never car-sick, slept well in the joggling berth, enjoyed the food, and continually astonished them by producing from her handbag the most diverse and unlooked for conveniences. an old-fashioned traveller had forgotten her watchkey--grandma produced an automatic one warranted to fit anything. "takes up mighty little room--and i thought maybe it would come in handy," she said. she had a small bottle of liquid court-plaster, and plenty of the solid kind. she had a delectable lotion for the hands, a real treasure on the dusty journey; also a tiny corkscrew, a strong pair of "pinchers," sewing materials, playing cards, string, safety-pins, elastic bands, lime drops, stamped envelopes, smelling salts, troches, needles and thread. "did you bring a trunk, grandma?" asked vivian. "two," said grandma, "excess baggage. all paid for and checked." "how did you ever learn to arrange things so well?" sue asked admiringly. "read about it," the old lady answered. "there's no end of directions nowadays. i've been studying up." she was so gleeful and triumphant, so variously useful, so steadily gay and stimulating, that they all grew to value her presence long before they reached carston; but they had no conception of the ultimate effect of a resident grandmother in that new and bustling town. to vivian the journey was a daily and nightly revelation. she had read much but traveled very little, never at night. the spreading beauty of the land was to her a new stimulus; she watched by the hour the endless panorama fly past her window, its countless shades of green, the brown and red soil, the fleeting dashes of color where wild flowers gathered thickly. she was repeatedly impressed by seeing suddenly beside her the name of some town which had only existed in her mind as "capital city" associated with "principal exports" and "bounded on the north." at night, sleeping little, she would raise her curtain and look out, sideways, at the stars. big shadowy trees ran by, steep cuttings rose like a wall of darkness, and the hilly curves of open country rose and fell against the sky line like a shaken carpet. she faced the long, bright vistas of the car and studied people's faces--such different people from any she had seen before. a heavy young man with small, light eyes, sat near by, and cast frequent glances at both the girls, going by their seat at intervals. vivian considered this distinctly rude, and sue did not like his looks, so he got nothing for his pains, yet even this added color to the day. the strange, new sense of freedom grew in her heart, a feeling of lightness and hope and unfolding purpose. there was continued discussion as to what the girls should do. "we can be waitresses for auntie till we get something else," sue practically insisted. "the doctor says it will be hard to get good service and i'm sure the boarders would like us." "you can both find work if you want it. what do you want to do, vivian?" asked dr. bellair, not for the first time. vivian was still uncertain. "i love children best," she said. "i could teach--but i haven't a certificate. i'd _love_ a kindergarten; i've studied that--at home." "shouldn't wonder if you could get up a kindergarten right off," the doctor assured her. "meantime, as this kitten says, you could help miss elder out and turn an honest penny while you're waiting." "wouldn't it--interfere with my teaching later?" the girl inquired. "not a bit, not a bit. we're not so foolish out here. we'll fix you up all right in no time." it was morning when they arrived at last and came out of the cindery, noisy crowded cars into the wide, clean, brilliant stillness of the high plateau. they drew deep breaths; the doctor squared her shoulders with a glad, homecoming smile. vivian lifted her head and faced the new surroundings as an unknown world. grandma gazed all ways, still cheerful, and their baggage accrued about them as a rampart. a big bearded man, carelessly dressed, whirled up in a dusty runabout, and stepped out smiling. he seized dr. bellair by both hands, and shook them warmly. "thought i'd catch you, johnny," he said. "glad to see you back. if you've got the landlady, i've got the cook!" "here we are," said she. "miss orella elder--dr. hale; mrs. pettigrew, miss susie elder, miss lane--dr. richard hale." he bowed deeply to mrs. pettigrew, shook hands with miss orella, and addressed himself to her, giving only a cold nod to the two girls, and quite turning away from them. susie, in quiet aside to vivian, made unfavorable comment. "this is your western chivalry, is it?" she said. "even bainville does better than that." "i don't know why we should mind," vivian answered. "it's dr. bellair's friend; he don't care anything about us." but she was rather of sue's opinion. the big man took dr. bellair in his car, and they followed in a station carriage, eagerly observing their new surroundings, and surprised, as most easterners are, by the broad beauty of the streets and the modern conveniences everywhere--electric cars, electric lights, telephones, soda fountains, where they had rather expected to find tents and wigwams. the house, when they were all safely within it, turned out to be "just like a real house," as sue said; and proved even more attractive than the doctor had described it. it was a big, rambling thing, at home they would have called it a hotel, with its neat little sign, "the cottonwoods," and vivian finally concluded that it looked like a seaside boarding house, built for the purpose. a broad piazza ran all across the front, the door opening into a big square hall, a sort of general sitting-room; on either side were four good rooms, opening on a transverse passage. the long dining-room and kitchen were in the rear of the hall. dr. bellair had two, her office fronting on the side street, with a bedroom behind it. they gave mrs. pettigrew the front corner room on that side and kept the one opening from the hall as their own parlor. in the opposite wing was miss elder's room next the hall, and the girls in the outer back corner, while the two front ones on that side were kept for the most impressive and high-priced boarders. mrs. pettigrew regarded her apartments with suspicion as being too "easy." "i don't mind stairs," she said. "dr. bellair has to be next her office--but why do i have to be next dr. bellair?" it was represented to her that she would be nearer to everything that went on and she agreed without more words. dr. hale exhibited the house as if he owned it. "the agent's out of town," he said, "and we don't need him anyway. he said he'd do anything you wanted, in reason." dr. bellair watched with keen interest the effect of her somewhat daring description, as miss orella stepped from room to room examining everything with a careful eye, with an expression of growing generalship. sue fluttered about delightedly, discovering advantages everywhere and making occasional disrespectful remarks to vivian about dr. hale's clothes. "looks as if he never saw a clothes brush!" she said. "a finger out on his glove, a button off his coat. no need to tell us there's no woman in his house!" "you can decide about your cook when you've tried her," he said to miss elder. "i engaged her for a week--on trial. she's in the kitchen now, and will have your dinner ready presently. i think you'll like her, if----" "good boy!" said dr. bellair. "sometimes you show as much sense as a woman--almost." "what's the 'if'" asked miss orella, looking worried. "question of character," he answered. "she's about forty-five, with a boy of sixteen or so. he's not over bright, but a willing worker. she's a good woman--from one standpoint. she won't leave that boy nor give him up to strangers; but she has a past!" "what is her present?" dr. bellair asked, "that's the main thing." dr. hale clapped her approvingly on the shoulder, but looked doubtingly toward miss orella. "and what's her future if somebody don't help her?" vivian urged. "can she cook?" asked grandma. "is she a safe person to have in the house?" inquired dr. bellair meaningly. "she can cook," he replied. "she's french, or of french parentage. she used to keep a little--place of entertainment. the food was excellent. she's been a patient of mine--off and on--for five years--and i should call her perfectly safe." miss orella still looked worried. "i'd like to help her and the boy, but would it--look well? i don't want to be mean about it, but this is a very serious venture with us, dr. hale, and i have these girls with me." "with you and dr. bellair and mrs. pettigrew the young ladies will be quite safe, miss elder. as to the woman's present character, she has suffered two changes of heart, she's become a religious devotee--and a man-hater! and from a business point of view, i assure you that if jeanne jeaune is in your kitchen you'll never have a room empty." "johnny jones! queer name for a woman!" said grandma. they repeated it to her carefully, but she only changed to "jennie june," and adhered to one or the other, thereafter. "what's the boy's name?" she asked further. "theophile," dr. hale replied. "huh!" said she. "why don't she keep an eating-house still?" asked dr. bellair rather suspiciously. "that's what i like best about her," he answered. "she is trying to break altogether with her past. she wants to give up 'public life'--and private life won't have her." they decided to try the experiment, and found it worked well. there were two bedrooms over the kitchen where "mrs. jones" as grandma generally called her, and her boy, could be quite comfortable and by themselves; and although of a somewhat sour and unsociable aspect, and fiercely watchful lest anyone offend her son, this questionable character proved an unquestionable advantage. with the boy's help, she cooked for the houseful, which grew to be a family of twenty-five. he also wiped dishes, helped in the laundry work, cleaned and scrubbed and carried coal; and miss elder, seeing his steady usefulness, insisted on paying wages for him too. this unlooked for praise and gain won the mother's heart, and as she grew more at home with them, and he less timid, she encouraged him to do the heavier cleaning in the rest of the house. "huh!" said grandma. "i wish more sane and moral persons would work like that!" vivian watched with amazement the swift filling of the house. there was no trouble at all about boarders, except in discriminating among them. "make them pay in advance, rella," dr. bellair advised, "it doesn't cost them any more, and it is a great convenience. 'references exchanged,' of course. there are a good many here that i know--you can always count on mr. dykeman and fordham grier, and john unwin." before a month was over the place was full to its limits with what sue called "assorted boarders," the work ran smoothly and the business end of miss elder's venture seemed quite safe. they had the twenty dr. bellair prophesied, and except for her, mrs. pettigrew, miss peeder, a teacher of dancing and music; mrs. jocelyn, who was interested in mining, and sarah hart, who described herself as a "journalist," all were men. fifteen men to eight women. miss elder sat at the head of her table, looked down it and across the other one, and marvelled continuously. never in her new england life had she been with so many men--except in church--and they were more scattered. this houseful of heavy feet and broad shoulders, these deep voices and loud laughs, the atmosphere of interchanging jests and tobacco smoke, was new to her. she hated the tobacco smoke, but that could not be helped. they did not smoke in her parlor, but the house was full of it none the less, in which constant presence she began to reverse the irishman's well known judgment of whiskey, allowing that while all tobacco was bad, some tobacco was much worse than others. chapter v contrasts old england thinks our country is a wilderness at best- and small new england thinks the same of the large free-minded west. some people know the good old way is the only way to do, and find there must be something wrong in anything that's new. to vivian the new life offered a stimulus, a sense of stir and promise even beyond her expectations. she wrote dutiful letters to her mother, trying to describe the difference between this mountain town and bainville, but found the new england viewpoint an insurmountable obstacle. to bainville "out west" was a large blank space on the map, and the blank space in the mind which matched it was but sparsely dotted with a few disconnected ideas such as "cowboy," "blizzard," "prairie fire," "tornado," "border ruffian," and the like. the girl's painstaking description of the spreading, vigorous young town, with its fine, modern buildings, its banks and stores and theatres, its country club and parks, its pleasant social life, made small impression on the bainville mind. but the fact that miss elder's venture was successful from the first did impress old acquaintances, and mrs. lane read aloud to selected visitors her daughter's accounts of their new and agreeable friends. nothing was said of "chaps," "sombreros," or "shooting up the town," however, and therein a distinct sense of loss was felt. much of what was passing in vivian's mind she could not make clear to her mother had she wished to. the daily presence and very friendly advances of so many men, mostly young and all polite (with the exception of dr. hale, whose indifference was almost rude by contrast), gave a new life and color to the days. she could not help giving some thought to this varied assortment, and the carefully preserved image of morton, already nine years dim, waxed dimmer. but she had a vague consciousness of being untrue to her ideals, or to mrs. st. cloud's ideals, now somewhat discredited, and did not readily give herself up to the cheerful attractiveness of the position. susie found no such difficulty. her ideals were simple, and while quite within the bounds of decorum, left her plenty of room for amusement. so popular did she become, so constantly in demand for rides and walks and oft-recurring dances, that vivian felt called upon to give elder sisterly advice. but miss susan scouted her admonitions. "why shouldn't i have a good time?" she said. "think how we grew up! half a dozen boys to twenty girls, and when there was anything to go to--the lordly way they'd pick and choose! and after all our efforts and machinations most of us had to dance with each other. and the quarrels we had! here they stand around three deep asking for dances--and _they_ have to dance with each other, and _they_ do the quarreling. i've heard 'em." and sue giggled delightedly. "there's no reason we shouldn't enjoy ourselves, susie, of course, but aren't you--rather hard on them?" "oh, nonsense!" sue protested. "dr. bellair said i should get married out here! she says the same old thing--that it's 'a woman's duty,' and i propose to do it. that is--they'll propose, and i won't do it! not till i make up my mind. now see how you like this!" she had taken a fine large block of "legal cap" and set down their fifteen men thereon, with casual comment. 1. mr. unwin--too old, big, quiet. 2. mr. elmer skee--big, too old, funny. 3. jimmy saunders--middle-sized, amusing, nice. 4. p. r. gibbs--too little, too thin, too cocky. 5. george waterson--middling, pretty nice. 6. j. j. cuthbert--big, horrid. 7. fordham greer--big, pleasant. 8. w. s. horton--nothing much. 9. a. l. dykeman--interesting, too old. 10. professor toomey--little, horrid. 11. arthur fitzwilliam--ridiculous, too young. 12. howard winchester--too nice, distrust him. 13. lawson w. briggs--nothing much. 14. edward s. jenks--fair to middling. 15. mr. a. smith--minus. she held it up in triumph. "i got 'em all out of the book--quite correct. now, which'll you have." "susie elder! you little goose! do you imagine that all these fifteen men are going to propose to you?" "i'm sure i hope so!" said the cheerful damsel. "we've only been settled a fortnight and one of 'em has already!" vivian was impressed at once. "which?--you don't mean it!" sue pointed to the one marked "minus." "it was only 'a. smith.' i never should be willing to belong to 'a. smith,' it's too indefinite--unless it was a last resort. several more are--well, extremely friendly! now don't look so severe. you needn't worry about me. i'm not quite so foolish as i talk, you know." she was not. her words were light and saucy, but she was as demure and decorous a little new englander as need be desired; and she could not help it if the hearts of the unattached young men of whom the town was full, warmed towards her. dr. bellair astonished them at lunch one day in their first week. "dick hale wants us all to come over to tea this afternoon," she said, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. "tea? where?" asked mrs. pettigrew sharply. "at his house. he has 'a home of his own,' you know. and he particularly wants you, mrs. pettigrew--and miss elder--the girls, of course." "i'm sure i don't care to go," vivian remarked with serene indifference, but susie did. "oh, come on, vivian! it'll be so funny! a man's home!--and we may never get another chance. he's such a bear!" dr. hale's big house was only across the road from theirs, standing in a large lot with bushes and trees about it. "he's been here nine years," dr. bellair told them. "that's an old inhabitant for us. he boarded in that house for a while; then it was for sale and he bought it. he built that little office of his at the corner--says he doesn't like to live where he works, or work where he lives. he took his meals over here for a while--and then set up for himself." "i should think he'd be lonely," miss elder suggested. "oh, he has his boys, you know--always three or four young fellows about him. it's a mighty good thing for them, too." dr. hale's home proved a genuine surprise. they had regarded it as a big, neglected-looking place, and found on entering the gate that the inside view of that rampant shrubbery was extremely pleasant. though not close cut and swept of leaves and twigs, it still was beautiful; and the tennis court and tether-ball ring showed the ground well used. grandma looked about her with a keen interrogative eye, and was much impressed, as, indeed, were they all. she voiced their feelings justly when, the true inwardness of this pleasant home bursting fully upon them, she exclaimed: "well, of all things! a man keeping house!" "why not?" asked dr. hale with his dry smile. "is there any deficiency, mental or physical, about a man, to prevent his attempting this abstruse art?" she looked at him sharply. "i don't know about deficiency, but there seems to be somethin' about 'em that keeps 'em out of the business. i guess it's because women are so cheap." "no doubt you are right, mrs. pettigrew. and here women are scarce and high. hence my poor efforts." his poor efforts had bought or built a roomy pleasant house, and furnished it with a solid comfort and calm attractiveness that was most satisfying. two chinamen did the work; cooking, cleaning, washing, waiting on table, with silent efficiency. "they are as steady as eight-day clocks," said dr. hale. "i pay them good wages and they are worth it." "sun here had to go home once--to be married, also, to see his honored parents, i believe, and to leave a grand-'sun' to attend to the ancestors; but he brought in another chink first and trained him so well that i hardly noticed the difference. came back in a year or so, and resumed his place without a jar." miss elder watched with fascinated eyes these soft-footed servants with clean, white garments and shiny coils of long, braided hair. "i may have to come to it," she admitted, "but--dear me, it doesn't seem natural to have a man doing housework!" dr. hale smiled again. "you don't want men to escape from dependence, i see. perhaps, if more men knew how comfortably they could live without women, the world would be happier." there was a faint wire-edge to his tone, in spite of the courteous expression, but miss elder did not notice it and if mrs. pettigrew did, she made no comment. they noted the varied excellences of his housekeeping with high approval. "you certainly know how, dr. hale," said miss orella; "i particularly admire these beds--with the sheets buttoned down, german fashion, isn't it? what made you do that?" "i've slept so much in hotels," he answered; "and found the sheets always inadequate to cover the blankets--and the marks of other men's whiskers! i don't like blankets in my neck. besides it saves washing." mrs. pettigrew nodded vehemently. "you have sense," she said. the labor-saving devices were a real surprise to them. a "chute" for soiled clothing shot from the bathroom on each floor to the laundry in the basement; a dumbwaiter of construction large and strong enough to carry trunks, went from cellar to roof; the fireplaces dropped their ashes down mysterious inner holes; and for the big one in the living-room a special "lift" raised a box of wood up to the floor level, hidden by one of the "settles." "saves work--saves dirt--saves expense," said dr. hale. miss hale and her niece secretly thought the rooms rather bare, but dr. bellair was highly in favor of that very feature. "you see dick don't believe in jimcracks and dirt-catchers, and he likes sunlight. books all under glass--no curtains to wash and darn and fuss with--none of those fancy pincushions and embroidered thingummies--i quite envy him." "why don't you have one yourself, johnny?" he asked her. "because i don't like housekeeping," she said, "and you do. masculine instinct, i suppose!" "huh!" said mrs. pettigrew with her sudden one-syllable chuckle. the girls followed from room to room, scarce noticing these comments, or the eager politeness of the four pleasant-faced young fellows who formed the doctor's present family. she could not but note the intelligent efficiency of the place, but felt more deeply the underlying spirit, the big-brotherly kindness which prompted his hospitable care of these nice boys. it was delightful to hear them praise him. "o, he's simply great," whispered archie burns, a ruddy-cheeked young scotchman. "he pretends there's nothing to it--that he wants company--that we pay for all we get--and that sort of thing, you know; but this is no boarding house, i can tell you!" and then he flushed till his very hair grew redder--remembering that the guests came from one. "of course not!" vivian cordially agreed with him. "you must have lovely times here. i don't wonder you appreciate it!" and she smiled so sweetly that he felt at ease again. beneath all this cheery good will and the gay chatter of the group her quick sense caught an impression of something hidden and repressed. she felt the large and quiet beauty of the rooms; the smooth comfort, the rational, pleasant life; but still more she felt a deep keynote of loneliness. the pictures told her most. she noted one after another with inward comment. "there's 'persepolis,'" she said to herself--"loneliness incarnate; and that other lion-and-ruin thing,--loneliness and decay. gerome's 'lion in the desert,' too, the same thing. then daniel--more lions, more loneliness, but power. 'circe and the companions of ulysses'--cruel, but loneliness and power again--of a sort. there's that 'island of death' too--a beautiful thing--but o dear!--and young burne-jones' 'vampire' was in one of the bedrooms--that one he shut the door of!" while they ate and drank in the long, low-ceiled wide-windowed room below, she sought the bookcases and looked them over curiously. yes--there was marcus aurelius, epictetus, plato, emerson and carlisle--the great german philosophers, the french, the english--all showing signs of use. dr. hale observed her inspection. it seemed to vaguely annoy him, as if someone were asking too presuming questions. "interested in philosophy, miss lane?" he asked, drily, coming toward her. "yes--so far as i understand it," she answered. "and how far does that go?" she felt the inference, and raised her soft eyes to his rather reproachfully. "not far, i am afraid. but i do know that these books teach one how to bear trouble." he met her gaze steadily, but something seemed to shut, deep in his eyes. they looked as unassailable as a steel safe. he straightened his big shoulders with a defiant shrug, and returned to sit by mrs. pettigrew, to whom he made himself most agreeable. the four young men did the honors of the tea table, with devotion to all; and some especially intended for the younger ladies. miss elder cried out in delight at the tea. "where did you get it, dr. hale? can it be had here?" "i'm afraid not. that is a particular brand. sun brought me a chest of it when he came from his visit." when they went home each lady was given a present, chinese fashion--lychee nuts for sue, lily-bulbs for vivian, a large fan for mrs. pettigrew, and a package of the wonderful tea for miss orella. "that's a splendid thing for him to do," she said, as they walked back. "such a safe place for those boys!" "it's lovely of him," sue agreed. "i don't care if he is a woman-hater." vivian said nothing, but admitted, on being questioned, that "he was very interesting." mrs. pettigrew was delighted with their visit. "i like this country," she declared. "things are different. a man couldn't do that in bainville--he'd be talked out of town." that night she sought dr. bellair and questioned her. "tell me about that man," she demanded. "how old is he?" "not as old as he looks by ten years," said the doctor. "no, i can't tell you why his hair's gray." "what woman upset him?" asked the old lady. dr. bellair regarded her thoughtfully. "he has made me no confidences, mrs. pettigrew, but i think you are right. it must have been a severe shock--for he is very bitter against women. it is a shame, too, for he is one of the best of men. he prefers men patients--and gets them. the women he will treat if he must, but he is kindest to the 'fallen' ones, and inclined to sneer at the rest. and yet he's the straightest man i ever knew. i'm thankful to have him come here so much. he needs it." mrs. pettigrew marched off, nodding sagely. she felt a large and growing interest in her new surroundings, more especially in the numerous boys, but was somewhat amazed at her popularity among them. these young men were mainly exiles from home; the older ones, though more settled perhaps, had been even longer away from their early surroundings; and a real live grandma, as jimmy saunders said, was an "attraction." "if you were mine," he told her laughingly, "i'd get a pianist and some sort of little side show, and exhibit you all up and down the mountains!--for good money. why some of the boys never had a grandma, and those that did haven't seen one since they were kids!" "very complimentary, i'm sure--but impracticable," said the old lady. the young men came to her with confidences, they asked her advice, they kept her amused with tales of their adventures; some true, some greatly diversified; and she listened with a shrewd little smile and a wag of the head--so they never were quite sure whether they were "fooling" grandma or not. to her, as a general confidant, came miss peeder with a tale of woe. the little hall that she rented for her dancing classes had burned down on a windy sunday, and there was no other suitable and within her means. "there's sloan's; but it's over a barroom--it's really not possible. and baker's is too expensive. the church rooms they won't let for dancing--i don't know what i _am_ to do, mrs. pettigrew!" "why don't you ask orella elder to rent you her dining-room--it's big enough. they could move the tables----" miss peeder's eyes opened in hopeful surprise. "oh, if she _would_! do _you_ think she would? it would be ideal." miss elder being called upon, was quite fluttered by the proposition, and consulted dr. bellair. "why not?" said that lady. "dancing is first rate exercise--good for us all. might as well have the girls dance here under your eye as going out all the time--and it's some addition to the income. they'll pay extra for refreshments, too. i'd do it." with considerable trepidation miss orella consented, and their first "class night" was awaited by her in a state of suppressed excitement. to have music and dancing--"with refreshments"--twice a week--in her own house--this seemed to her like a career of furious dissipation. vivian, though with a subtle sense of withdrawal from a too general intimacy, was inwardly rather pleased; and susie bubbled over with delight. "oh what fun!" she cried. "i never had enough dancing! i don't believe anybody has!" "we don't belong to the class, you know," vivian reminded her. "oh yes! miss peeder says we must _all_ come--that she would feel _very_ badly if we didn't; and the boarders have all joined--to a man!" everyone seemed pleased except mrs. jeaune. dancing she considered immoral; music, almost as much so--and miss elder trembled lest she lose her. but the offer of extra payments for herself and son on these two nights each week proved sufficient to quell her scruples. theophile doubled up the tables, set chairs around the walls, waxed the floor, and was then sent to bed and locked in by his anxious mother. she labored, during the earlier hours of the evening, in the preparation of sandwiches and coffee, cake and lemonade--which viands were later shoved through the slide by the austere cook, and distributed as from a counter by miss peeder's assistant. mrs. jeaune would come no nearer, but peered darkly upon them through the peep-hole in the swinging door. it was a very large room, due to the time when many "mealers" had been accommodated. there were windows on each side, windows possessing the unusual merit of opening from the top; wide double doors made the big front hall a sort of anteroom, and the stairs and piazza furnished opportunities for occasional couples who felt the wish for retirement. in the right-angled passages, long hat-racks on either side were hung with "derbies," "kossuths" and "stetsons," and the ladies took off their wraps, and added finishing touches to their toilettes in miss elder's room. the house was full of stir and bustle, of pretty dresses, of giggles and whispers, and the subdued exchange of comments among the gentlemen. the men predominated, so that there was no lack of partners for any of the ladies. miss orella accepted her new position with a half-terrified enjoyment. not in many years had she found herself so in demand. her always neat and appropriate costume had blossomed suddenly for the occasion; her hair, arranged by the affectionate and admiring susie, seemed softer and more voluminous. her eyes grew brilliant, and the delicate color in her face warmed and deepened. miss peeder had installed a pianola to cover emergencies, but on this opening evening she had both piano and violin--good, lively, sole-stirring music. everyone was on the floor, save a few gentlemen who evidently wished they were. sue danced with the gaiety and lightness of a kitten among wind-blown leaves, vivian with gliding grace, smooth and harmonious, miss orella with skill and evident enjoyment, though still conscientious in every accurate step. presently mrs. pettigrew appeared, sedately glorious in black silk, jet-beaded, and with much fine old lace. she bore in front of her a small wicker rocking chair, and headed for a corner near the door. her burden was promptly taken from her by one of the latest comers, a tall person with a most devoted manner. "allow _me_, ma'am," he said, and placed the little chair at the point she indicated. "no lady ought to rustle for rockin' chairs with so many gentlemen present." he was a man of somewhat advanced age, but his hair was still more black than white and had a curly, wiggish effect save as its indigenous character was proven by three small bare patches of a conspicuous nature. he bowed so low before her that she could not help observing these distinctions, and then answered her startled look before she had time to question him. "yes'm," he explained, passing his hand over head; "scalped three several times and left for dead. but i'm here yet. mr. elmer skee, at your service." "i thought when an indian scalped you there wasn't enough hair left to make greeley whiskers," said grandma, rising to the occasion. "oh, no, ma'am, they ain't so efficacious as all that--not in these parts. i don't know what the ancient mohawks may have done, but the apaches only want a patch--smaller to carry and just as good to show off. they're collectors, you know--like a phil-e-a-to-lol-o-gist!" "skee, did you say?" pursued the old lady, regarding him with interest and convinced that there was something wrong with the name of that species of collector. "yes'm. skee--elmer skee. no'm, _not_ pronounced 'she.' do i look like it?" mr. skee was an interesting relic of that stormy past of the once wild west which has left so few surviving. he had crossed the plains as a child, he told her, in the days of the prairie schooner, had then and there lost his parents and his first bit of scalp, was picked up alive by a party of "movers," and had grown up in a playground of sixteen states and territories. grandma gazed upon him fascinated. "i judge you might be interesting to talk with," she said, after he had given her this brief sketch of his youth. "thank you, ma'am," said mr. skee. "may i have the pleasure of this dance?" "i haven't danced in thirty years," said she, dubitating. "the more reason for doing it now," he calmly insisted. "why not?" said mrs. pettigrew, and they forthwith executed a species of march, the gentleman pacing with the elaborate grace of a circus horse, and grandma stepping at his side with great decorum. later on, warming to the occasion, mr. skee frisked and high-stepped with the youngest and gayest, and found the supper so wholly to his liking that he promptly applied for a room, and as soon as one was vacant it was given to him. vivian danced to her heart's content and enjoyed the friendly merriment about her; but when fordham greer took her out on the long piazza to rest and breathe a little, she saw the dark bulk of the house across the street and the office with its half-lit window, and could not avoid thinking of the lonely man there. he had not come to the dance, no one expected that, of course; but all his boys had come and were having the best of times. "it's his own fault, of course; but it's a shame," she thought. the music sounded gaily from within, and young greer urged for another dance. she stood there for a moment, hesitating, her hand on his arm, when a tall figure came briskly up the street from the station, turned in at their gate, came up the steps---the girl gave a little cry, and shrank back for an instant, then eagerly came forward and gave her hand to him. it was morton. chapter vi new friends and old 'twould be too bad to be true, my dear, and wonders never cease; twould be too bad to be true, my dear, if all one's swans were geese! vivian's startled cry of welcome was heard by susie, perched on the stairs with several eager youths gathered as close as might be about her, and several pairs of hands helped her swift descent to greet her brother. miss orella, dropping mr. dykeman's arm, came flying from the ball-room. "oh, morton! morton! when did you come? why didn't you let us know? oh, my _dear_ boy!" she haled him into their special parlor, took his hat away from him, pulled out the most comfortable chair. "have you had supper? and to think that we haven't a room for you! but there's to be one vacant--next week. i'll see that there is. you shall have my room, dear boy. oh, i am so glad to see you!" susie gave him a sisterly hug, while he kissed her, somewhat gingerly, on the cheek, and then she perched herself on the arm of a chair and gazed upon him with affectionate interest. vivian gazed also, busily engaged in fitting present facts to past memories. surely he had not looked just like that! the morton of her girlhood's dream had a clear complexion, a bright eye, a brave and gallant look--the voice only had not changed. but here was morton in present fact, something taller, it seemed, and a good deal heavier, well dressed in a rather vivid way, and making merry over his aunt's devotion. "well, if it doesn't seem like old times to have aunt 'rella running 'round like a hen with her head cut off, to wait on me." the simile was not unjust, though certainly ungracious, but his aunt was far too happy to resent it. "you sit right still!" she said. "i'll go and bring you some supper. you must be hungry." "now do sit down and hear to reason, auntie!" he said, reaching out a detaining hand and pulling her into a seat beside him. "i'm not hungry a little bit; had a good feed on the diner. never mind about the room--i don't know how long i can stay--and i left my grip at the allen house anyway. how well you're looking, auntie! i declare i'd hardly have known you! and here's little susie--a regular belle! and vivian--don't suppose i dare call you vivian now, miss lane?" vivian gave a little embarrassed laugh. if he had used her first name she would never have noticed it. now that he asked her, she hardly knew what answer to make, but presently said: "why, of course, i always call you morton." "well, i'll come when you call me," he cheerfully replied, leaning forward, elbows on knees, and looking around the pretty room. "how well you're fixed here. guess it was a wise move, aunt 'rella. but i'd never have dreamed you'd do it. your dr. bellair must have been a powerful promoter to get you all out here. i wouldn't have thought anybody in bainville could move--but me. why, there's grandma, as i live!" and he made a low bow. mrs. pettigrew, hearing of his arrival from the various would-be partners of the two girls, had come to the door and stood there regarding him with a non-committal expression. at this address she frowned perceptibly. "my name is mrs. pettigrew, young man. i've known you since you were a scallawag in short pants, but i'm no grandma of yours." "a thousand pardons! please excuse me, mrs. pettigrew," he said with exaggerated politeness. "won't you be seated?" and he set a chair for her with a flourish. "thanks, no," she said. "i'll go back," and went back forthwith, attended by mr. skee. "one of these happy family reunions, ma'am?" he asked with approving interest. "if there's one thing i do admire, it's a happy surprise." "'tis some of a surprise," mrs. pettigrew admitted, and became rather glum, in spite of mr. skee's undeniably entertaining conversation. "some sort of a fandango going on?" morton asked after a few rather stiff moments. "don't let me interrupt! on with the dance! let joy be unconfined! and if she must"--he looked at vivian, and went on somewhat lamely--"dance, why not dance with me? may i have the pleasure, miss lane?" "oh, no," cried miss orella, "we'd much rather be with you!" "but i'd rather dance than talk, any time," said he, and crooked his elbow to vivian with an impressive bow. somewhat uncertain in her own mind, and unwilling to again disappoint fordham greer, who had already lost one dance and was visibly waiting for her in the hall, the girl hesitated; but susie said, "go on, give him part of one. i'll tell mr. greer." so vivian took morton's proffered arm and returned to the floor. she had never danced with him in the old days; no special memory was here to contrast with the present; yet something seemed vaguely wrong. he danced well, but more actively than she admired, and during the rest of the evening devoted himself to the various ladies with an air of long usage. she was glad when the dancing was over and he had finally departed for his hotel, glad when susie had at last ceased chattering and dropped reluctantly to sleep. for a long time she lay awake trying to straighten out things in her mind and account to herself for the sense of vague confusion which oppressed her. morton had come back! that was the prominent thing, of which she repeatedly assured herself. how often she had looked forward to that moment, and felt in anticipation a vivid joy. she had thought of it in a hundred ways, always with pleasure, but never in this particular way--among so many strangers. it must be that which confused her, she thought, for she was extremely sensitive to the attitude of those about her. she felt an unspoken criticism of morton on the part of her new friends in the house, and resented it; yet in her own mind a faint comparison would obtrude itself between his manners and those of jimmie saunders or mr. greer, for instance. the young scotchman she had seen regarding morton with an undisguised dislike, and this she inwardly resented, even while herself disliking his bearing to his aunt--and to her grandmother. it was all contradictory and unsatisfying, and she fell asleep saying over to herself, "he has come back! he has come back!" and trying to feel happy. aunt orella was happy at any rate. she would not rest until her beloved nephew was installed in the house, practically turning out mr. gibbs in order to accommodate him. morton protested, talked of business and of having to go away at any time; and mr. gibbs, who still "mealed" with them, secretly wished he would. but morton did not go away. it was a long time since he had been petted and waited on, and he enjoyed it hugely, treating his aunt with a serio-comic affection that was sometimes funny, sometimes disagreeable. at least susie found it so. her first surprise over, she fell back on a fund of sound common sense, strengthened by present experience, and found a good deal to criticise in her returned brother. she was so young when he left, and he had teased her so unmercifully in those days, that her early memories of him were rather mixed in sentiment, and now he appeared, not as the unquestioned idol of a manless family in a well-nigh manless town, but as one among many; and of those many several were easily his superiors. he was her brother, and she loved him, of course; but there were so many wanting to be "brothers" if not more, and they were so much more polite! morton petted, patronized and teased her, and she took it all in good part, as after the manner of brothers, but his demeanor with other people was not to her mind. his adoring aunt, finding no fault whatever with this well-loved nephew, lavished upon him the affection of her unused motherhood, and he seemed to find it a patent joke, open to everyone, that she should be so fond. to this and, indeed, to his general walk and conversation, mrs. pettigrew took great exception. "fine boy--rella's nephew!" she said to dr. bellair late one night when, seeing a light over her neighbor's transom, she dropped in for a little chat. conversation seemed easier for her here than in the atmosphere of bainville. "fine boy--eh? nice complexion!" dr. bellair was reading a heavy-weight book by a heavier-weight specialist. she laid it down, took off her eyeglasses, and rubbed them. "better not kiss him," she said. "i thought as much!" said grandma. "i _thought_ as much! huh!" "nice world, isn't it?" the doctor suggested genially. "nothing the matter with the world, that i know of," her visitor answered. "nice people, then--how's that?" "nothing the matter with the people but foolishness--plain foolishness. good land! shall we _never_ learn anything!" "not till it's too late apparently," the doctor gloomily agreed, turning slowly in her swivel chair. "that boy never was taught anything to protect him. what did rella know? or for that matter, what do any boys' fathers and mothers know? nothing, you'd think. if they do, they won't teach it to their children." "time they did!" said the old lady decidedly. "high time they did! it's never too late to learn. i've learned a lot out of you and your books, jane bellair. interesting reading! i don't suppose you could give an absolute opinion now, could you?" "no," said dr. bellair gravely, "no, i couldn't; not yet, anyway." "well, we've got to keep our eyes open," mrs. pettigrew concluded. "when i think of that girl of mine----" "yes--or any girl," the doctor added. "you look out for any girl--that's your business; i'll look out for mine--if i can." mrs. pettigrew's were not the only eyes to scrutinize morton elder. through the peep-hole in the swing door to the kitchen, jeanne jeaune watched him darkly with one hand on her lean chest. she kept her watch on whatever went on in that dining-room, and on the two elderly waitresses whom she had helped miss elder to secure when the house filled up. they were rather painfully unattractive, but seemed likely to stay where no young and pretty damsel could be counted on for a year. morton joked with perseverance about their looks, and those who were most devoted to susie seemed to admire his wit, while vivian's special admirers found it pointless in the extreme. "your waitresses are the limit, auntie," he said, "but the cook is all to the good. is she a plain cook or a handsome one?" "handsome is as handsome does, young man," mrs. pettigrew pointedly replied. "mrs. jones is a first-class cook and her looks are neither here nor there." "you fill me with curiosity," he replied. "i must go out and make her acquaintance. i always get solid with the cook; it's worth while." the face at the peep-hole darkened and turned away with a bitter and determined look, and master theophile was hastened at his work till his dim intelligence wondered, and then blessed with an unexpected cookie. vivian, morton watched and followed assiduously. she was much changed from what he remembered--the young, frightened, slender girl he had kissed under the lilac bushes, a kiss long since forgotten among many. perhaps the very number of his subsequent acquaintances during a varied and not markedly successful career in the newer states made this type of new england womanhood more marked. girls he had known of various sorts, women old and young had been kind to him, for morton had the rough good looks and fluent manner which easily find their way to the good will of many female hearts; but this gentle refinement of manner and delicate beauty had a novel charm for him. sitting by his aunt at meals he studied vivian opposite, he watched her in their few quiet evenings together, under the soft lamplight on miss elder's beloved "center table;" and studied her continually in the stimulating presence of many equally devoted men. all that was best in him was stirred by her quiet grace, her reserved friendliness; and the spur of rivalry was by no means wanting. both the girls had their full share of masculine attention in that busy houseful, each having her own particular devotees, and the position of comforter to the others. morton became openly devoted to vivian, and followed her about, seeking every occasion to be alone with her, a thing difficult to accomplish. "i don't ever get a chance to see anything of you," he said. "come on, take a walk with me--won't you?" "you can see me all day, practically," she answered. "it seems to me that i never saw a man with so little to do." "now that's too bad, vivian! just because a fellow's out of a job for a while! it isn't the first time, either; in my business you work like--like anything, part of the time, and then get laid off. i work hard enough when i'm at it." "do you like it--that kind of work?" the girl asked. they were sitting in the family parlor, but the big hall was as usual well occupied, and some one or more of the boarders always eager to come in. miss elder at this moment had departed for special conference with her cook, and susie was at the theatre with jimmie saunders. fordham greer had asked vivian, as had morton also, but she declined both on the ground that she didn't like that kind of play. mrs. pettigrew, being joked too persistently about her fondness for "long whist," had retired to her room--but then, her room was divided from the parlor only by a thin partition and a door with a most inefficacious latch. "come over here by the fire," said morton, "and i'll tell you all about it." he seated himself on a sofa, comfortably adjacent to the fireplace, but vivian preferred a low rocker. "i suppose you mean travelling--and selling goods?" he pursued. "yes, i like it. there's lots of change--and you meet people. i'd hate to be shut up in an office." "but do you--get anywhere with it? is there any outlook for you? anything worth doing?" "there's a good bit of money to be made, if you mean that; that is, if a fellow's a good salesman. i'm no slouch myself, when i feel in the mood. but it's easy come, easy go, you see. and it's uncertain. there are times like this, with nothing doing." "i didn't mean money, altogether," said the girl meditatively, "but the work itself; i don't see any future for you." morton was pleased with her interest. reaching between his knees he seized the edge of the small sofa and dragged it a little nearer, quite unconscious that the act was distasteful to her. though twenty-five years old, vivian was extremely young in many ways, and her introspection had spent itself in tending the inner shrine of his early image. that ikon was now jarringly displaced by this insistent presence, and she could not satisfy herself yet as to whether the change pleased or displeased her. again and again his manner antagonized her, but his visible devotion carried an undeniable appeal, and his voice stirred the deep well of emotion in her heart. "look here, vivian," he said, "you've no idea how it goes through me to have you speak like that! you see i've been knocking around here for all this time, and i haven't had a soul to take an interest. a fellow needs the society of good women--like you." it is an old appeal, and always reaches the mark. to any women it is a compliment, and to a young girl, doubly alluring. as she looked at him, the very things she most disliked, his too free manner, his coarsened complexion, a certain look about the eyes, suddenly assumed a new interest as proofs of his loneliness and lack of right companionship. what mrs. st. cloud had told her of the ennobling influence of a true woman, flashed upon her mind. "you see, i had no mother," he said simply--"and aunt rella spoiled me--." he looked now like the boy she used to know. "of course i ought to have behaved better," he admitted. "i was ungrateful--i can see it now. but it did seem to me i couldn't stand that town a day longer!" she could sympathize with this feeling and showed it. "then when a fellow knocks around as i have so long, he gets to where he doesn't care a hang for anything. seeing you again makes a lot of difference, vivian. i think, perhaps--i could take a new start." "oh do! do!" she said eagerly. "you're young enough, morton. you can do anything if you'll make up your mind to it." "and you'll help me?" "of course i'll help you--if i can," said she. a feeling of sincere remorse for wasted opportunities rose in the young man's mind; also, in the presence of this pure-eyed girl, a sense of shame for his previous habits. he walked to the window, his hands in his pockets, and looked out blankly for a moment. "a fellow does a lot of things he shouldn't," he began, clearing his throat; she met him more than half way with the overflowing generosity of youth and ignorance: "never mind what you've done, morton--you're going to do differently now! susie'll be so proud of you--and aunt orella!" "and you?" he turned upon her suddenly. "oh--i? of course! i shall be very proud of my old friend." she met his eyes bravely, with a lovely look of hope and courage, and again his heart smote him. "i hope you will," he said and straightened his broad shoulders manfully. "morton elder!" cried his aunt, bustling in with deep concern in her voice, "what's this i hear about you're having a sore throat?" "nothing, i hope," said he cheerfully. "now, morton"--vivian showed new solicitude--"you know you have got a sore throat; susie told me." "well, i wish she'd hold her tongue," he protested. "it's nothing at all--be all right in a jiffy. no, i won't take any of your fixings, auntie." "i want dr. bellair to look at it anyhow," said his aunt, anxiously. "she'll know if it's diphtheritic or anything. she's coming in." "she can just go out again," he said with real annoyance. "if there's anything i've no use for it's a woman doctor!" "oh hush, hush!" cried vivian, too late. "don't apologize," said dr. bellair from her doorway. "i'm not in the least offended. indeed, i had rather surmised that that was your attitude; i didn't come in to prescribe, but to find mrs. pettigrew." "want me?" inquired the old lady from her doorway. "who's got a sore throat?" "morton has," vivian explained, "and he won't let aunt rella--why where is she?" miss elder had gone out as suddenly as she had entered. "camphor's good for sore throat," mrs. pettigrew volunteered. "three or four drops on a piece of sugar. is it the swelled kind, or the kind that smarts?" "oh--halifax!" exclaimed morton, disgustedly. "it isn't _any_ kind. i haven't a sore throat." "camphor's good for cold sores; you have one of them anyhow," the old lady persisted, producing a little bottle and urging it upon morton. "just keep it wet with camphor as often as you think of it, and it'll go away." vivian looked on, interested and sympathetic, but morton put his hand to his lip and backed away. "if you ladies don't stop trying to doctor me, i'll clear out to-morrow, so there!" this appalling threat was fortunately unheard by his aunt, who popped in again at this moment, dragging dr. hale with her. dr. bellair smiled quietly to herself. "i wouldn't tell him what i wanted him for, or he wouldn't have come, i'm sure--doctors are so funny," said miss elder, breathlessly, "but here he is. now, dr. hale, here's a foolish boy who won't listen to reason, and i'm real worried about him. i want you to look at his throat." dr. hale glanced briefly at morton's angry face. "the patient seems to be of age, miss elder; and, if you'll excuse me, does not seem to have authorized this call." "my affectionate family are bound to have me an invalid," morton explained. "i'm in imminent danger of hot baths, cold presses, mustard plasters, aconite, belladonna and quinine--and if i can once reach my hat--" he sidled to the door and fled in mock terror. "thank you for your good intentions, miss elder," dr. hale remarked drily. "you can bring water to the horse, but you can't make him drink it, you see." "now that that young man has gone we might have a game of whist," mrs. pettigrew suggested, looking not ill-pleased. "for which you do not need me in the least," and dr. hale was about to leave, but dr. bellair stopped him. "don't be an everlasting winter woodchuck, dick! sit down and play; do be good. i've got to see old mrs. graham yet; she refuses to go to sleep without it--knowing i'm so near. by by." mrs. pettigrew insisted on playing with miss elder, so vivian had the questionable pleasure of dr. hale as a partner. he was an expert, used to frequent and scientific play, and by no means patient with the girl's mistakes. he made no protest at a lost trick, but explained briefly between hands what she should have remembered and how the cards lay, till she grew quite discouraged. her game was but mediocre, played only to oblige; and she never could see why people cared so much about a mere pastime. pride came to her rescue at last; the more he criticised, the more determined she grew to profit by all this advice; but her mind would wander now and then to morton, to his young life so largely wasted, it appeared, and to what hope might lie before him. could she be the help and stimulus he seemed to think? how much did he mean by asking her to help him? "why waste a thirteenth trump on your partner's thirteenth card?" dr. hale was asking. she flushed a deep rose color and lifted appealing eyes to him. "do forgive me; my mind was elsewhere." "will you not invite it to return?" he suggested drily. he excused himself after a few games, and the girl at last was glad to have him go. she wanted to be alone with her thoughts. mrs. pettigrew, sitting unaccountably late at her front window, watched the light burn steadily in the small office at the opposite corner. presently she saw a familiar figure slip in there, and, after a considerable stay, come out quietly, cross the street, and let himself in at their door. "huh!" said mrs. pettigrew. chapter vii. side lights. high shines the golden shield in front, to those who are not blind; and clear and bright in all men's sight, the silver shield behind. in breadth and sheen each face is seen; how tall it is, how wide; but its thinness shows to only those who stand on either side. theophile wept aloud in the dining-room, nursing one hand in the other, like a hurt monkey. most of the diners had departed, but professor toomey and mr. cuthbert still lingered about miss susie's corner, to the evident displeasure of mr. saunders, who lingered also. miss susie smiled upon them all; and mr. saunders speculated endlessly as to whether this was due to her general friendliness of disposition, to an interest in pleasing her aunt's boarders, to personal preference, or, as he sometimes imagined, to a desire to tease him. morton was talking earnestly with vivian at the other end of the table, from which the two angular waitresses had some time since removed the last plate. one of them opened the swing door a crack and thrust her head in. "he's burnt his hand," she said, "and his ma's out. we don't dare go near him." both of these damsels professed great terror of the poor boy, though he was invariably good natured, and as timid as a rabbit. "do get the doctor!" cried susie, nervously; she never felt at ease with theophile. "dr. bellair, i fear, is not in her office," professor toomey announced. "we might summon dr. hale." "nonsense!" said mr. cuthbert, rising heavily. "he's a great baby, that's all. here! quit that howling and show me your hand!" he advanced upon theophile, who fled toward vivian. morton rose in her defence. "get out!" he said, "go back to the kitchen. there's nothing the matter with you." "wait till you get burned, and see if you think it's nothing," jimmy saunders remarked with some acidity. he did not like mr. elder. "come here youngster, let me see it." but the boy was afraid of all of them, and cowered in a corner, still bawling. "stop your noise," mr. cuthbert shouted, "get out of this, or i'll put you out." vivian rose to her feet. "you will do nothing of the kind. if you, all of you, will go away, i can quiet theophile, myself." susie went promptly. she had every confidence in her friend's management. mr. cuthbert was sulky, but followed susie; and mr. saunders, after some hesitation, followed susie, too. morton lingered, distrustful. "please go, morton. i know how to manage him. just leave us alone," vivian urged. "you'd better let me put him out, and keep him out, till the old woman comes back," morton insisted. "you mean kindly, i don't doubt, but you're making me very angry," said the girl, flushing; and he reluctantly left the room. professor toomey had departed long since, to fulfill his suggestion of calling dr. hale, but when that gentleman appeared, he found that vivian had quieted the boy, stayed him with flagons and comforted him with apples, as it were, and bound up his hand in wet cooking soda. "it's not a very bad burn," she told the doctor, "but it hurt, and he was frightened. he is afraid of everybody but his mother, and the men were cross to him." "i see," said dr. hale, watching theophile as he munched his apple, keeping carefully behind vivian and very near her. "he does not seem much afraid of you, i notice, and he's used to me. the soda is all right. where did you learn first aid to the injured, and how to handle--persons of limited understanding?" "the former i studied. the latter comes by nature, i think," replied the girl, annoyed. he laughed, rather suddenly. "it's a good quality, often needed in this world." "what's all this rumpus?" demanded grandma, appearing at the door. "waking me up out of my nap!" grandma's smooth, fine, still dark hair, which she wore in "water waves," was somewhat disarranged, and she held a little shawl about her. "only the household baby, playing with fire," dr. hale answered. "miss lane resolved herself into a red cross society, and attended to the wounded. however i think i'll have a look at it now i'm here." then was vivian surprised, and compelled to admiration, to see with what wise gentleness the big man won the confidence of the frightened boy, examined the hurt hand, and bound it up again. "you'll do, all right, won't you theophile," he said, and offered him a shining nickel and a lozenge, "which will you have, old man?" after some cautious hesitation the boy chose the lozenge, and hastily applied it where it would do the most good. "where's mrs. jones all this time?" suddenly demanded grandma, who had gone back to her room and fetched forth three fat, pink gumdrops for the further consolation of the afflicted. "she had to go out to buy clothes for him, she hardly ever leaves him you know," vivian explained. "and the girls out there are so afraid that they won't take any care of him." this was true enough, but vivian did not know that "mrs. jones" had returned and, peering through her favorite peephole, had seen her send out the others, and attend to the boy's burn with her own hand. jeanne jeaune was not a sentimental person, and judged from her son's easy consolation that he was little hurt, but she watched the girl's prompt tenderness with tears in her eyes. "she regards him, as any other boy;" thought the mother. "his infirmity, she does not recall it." dr. hale had long since won her approval, and when theophile at last ran out, eager to share his gumdrops, he found her busy as usual in the kitchen. she was a silent woman, professionally civil to the waitresses, but never cordial. the place pleased her, she was saving money, and she knew that there must be _some_ waitresses--these were probably no worse than others. for her unfortunate son she expected little, and strove to keep him near her so far as possible; but vivian's real kindness touched her deeply. she kept a sharp eye on whatever went on in the dining-room, and what with the frequent dances and the little groups which used to hang about the table after meals, or fill a corner of the big room for quiet chats, she had good opportunities. morton's visible devotion she watched with deep disapproval; though she was not at all certain that her "young lady" was favorably disposed toward him. she could see and judge the feelings of the men, these many men who ate and drank and laughed and paid court to both the girls. dr. hale's brusque coldness she accepted, as from a higher order of being. susie's gay coquetries were transparent to her; but vivian she could not read so well. the girl's deep conscientiousness, her courtesy and patience with all, and the gentle way in which she evaded the attentions so persistently offered, were new to jeanne's experience. when morton hung about and tried always to talk with vivian exclusively, she saw her listen with kind attention, but somehow without any of that answering gleam which made susie's blue eyes so irresistible. "she has the lovers, but she has _no_ beauty--to compare with my young lady!" jeanne commented inwardly. if the sad-eyed jeanne had been of scotch extraction instead of french, she might have quoted the explanation of the homely widow of three husbands when questioned by the good-looking spinster, who closed her inquiry by saying aggrievedly, "and ye'r na sae bonny." "it's na the bonny that does it," explained the triple widow, "it's the come hither i' the een." susie's eyes sparkled with the "come hither," but those who came failed to make any marked progress. she was somewhat more cautious after the sudden approach and overthrow of mr. a. smith; yet more than one young gentleman boarder found business called him elsewhere, with marked suddenness; his place eagerly taken by another. the cottonwoods had a waiting list, now. vivian made friends first, lovers afterward. then if the love proved vain, the friendship had a way of lingering. hers was one of those involved and over-conscientious characters, keenly sensitive to the thought of duty and to others, pain. she could not play with hearts that might be hurt in the handling, nor could she find in herself a quick and simple response to the appeals made to her; there were so many things to be considered. morton studied her with more intensity than he had ever before devoted to another human being; his admiration and respect grew with acquaintance, and all that was best in him rose in response to her wise, sweet womanliness. he had the background of their childhood's common experiences and her early sentiment--how much he did not know, to aid him. then there was the unknown country of his years of changeful travel, many tales that he could tell her, many more which he found he could not. he pressed his advantage, cautiously, finding the fullest response when he used the appeal to her uplifting influence. when they talked in the dining-room the sombre eye at the peephole watched with growing disapproval. the kitchen was largely left to her and her son by her fellow workers, on account of their nervous dislike for theophile, and she utilized her opportunities. vivian had provided the boy with some big bright picture blocks, and he spent happy hours in matching them on the white scoured table, while his mother sewed, and watched. he had forgotten his burn by now, and she sewed contentedly for there was no one talking to her young lady but dr. hale, who lingered unaccountably. to be sure, vivian had brought him a plate of cakes from the pantry, and he seemed to find the little brown things efficiently seductive, or perhaps it was grandma who held him, sitting bolt upright in her usual place, at the head of one table, and asking a series of firm but friendly questions. this she found the only way of inducing dr. hale to talk at all. yes, he was going away--yes, he would be gone some time--a matter of weeks, perhaps--he could not say--his boys were all well--he did not wonder that they saw a good deal of them--it was a good place for them to come. "you might come oftener yourself," said grandma, "and play real whist with me. these young people play _bridge_!" she used this word with angry scorn, as symbol of all degeneracy; and also despised pinochle, refusing to learn it, though any one could induce her to play bezique. some of the more venturous and argumentative, strove to persuade her that the games were really the same. "you needn't tell me," mrs. pettigrew would say, "i don't want to play any of your foreign games." "but, madam, bezique is not an english word," professor toomey had insisted, on one occasion; to which she had promptly responded, "neither is 'bouquet!'" dr. hale shook his head with a smile. he had a very nice smile, even vivian admitted that. all the hard lines of his face curved and melted, and the light came into those deep-set eyes and shone warmly. "i should enjoy playing whist with you very often, mrs. pettigrew; but a doctor has no time to call his own. and a good game of whist must not be interrupted by telephones." "there's miss orella!" said grandma, as the front door was heard to open. "she's getting to be quite a gadder." "it does her good, i don't doubt," the doctor gravely remarked, rising to go. miss orella met him in the hall, and bade him good-bye with regret. "we do not see much of you, doctor; i hope you'll be back soon." "why it's only a little trip; you good people act as if i were going to alaska," he said, "it makes me feel as if i had a family!" "pity you haven't," remarked grandma with her usual definiteness. dykeman stood holding miss orella's wrap, with his dry smile. "good-bye, hale," he said. "i'll chaperon your orphan asylum for you. so long." "come out into the dining-room," said miss orella, after dr. hale had departed. "i know you must be hungry," and mr. dykeman did not deny it. in his quiet middle-aged way, he enjoyed this enlarged family circle as much as the younger fellows, and he and mr. unwin seemed to vie with one another to convince miss orella that life still held charms for her. mr. skee also hovered about her to a considerable extent, but most of his devotion was bestowed upon damsels of extreme youth. "here's one that's hungry, anyhow," remarked dr. bellair, coming out of her office at the moment, with her usual clean and clear-starched appearance. "i've been at it for eighteen hours, with only bites to eat. yes, all over; both doing well." it was a source of deep self-congratulation to dr. bellair to watch her friend grow young again in the new atmosphere. to susie it appeared somewhat preposterous, as her aunt seems to her mind a permanently elderly person; while to mrs. pettigrew it looked only natural. "rella's only a young thing anyway," was her comment. but jane bellair marked and approved the added grace of each new gown, the blossoming of lace and ribbon, the appearance of long-hoarded bits of family jewelry, things held "too showy to wear" in bainville, but somehow quite appropriate here. vivian and grandma made miss orella sit down at her own table head, and bustled about in the pantry, bringing cheese and crackers, cake and fruit; but the doctor poked her head through the swing door and demanded meat. "i don't want a refection, i want food," she said, and jeanne cheerfully brought her a plate of cold beef. she was much attached to dr. bellair, for reasons many and good. "what i like about this place," said mrs. pettigrew, surveying the scene from the head of her table, "is that there's always something going on." "what i like about it," remarked dr. bellair, between well-fletcherized mouthfuls, "is that people have a chance to grow and are growing." "what i like," mr. dykeman looked about him, and paused in the middle of a sentence, as was his wont; "is being beautifully taken care of and made comfortable--any man likes that." miss orella beamed upon him. emboldened, he went on: "and what i like most is the new, delightful"--he was gazing admiringly at her, and she looked so embarrassed that he concluded with a wide margin of safety--"friends i'm making." miss orella's rosy flush, which had risen under his steady gaze, ebbed again to her usual soft pink. even her coldest critics, in the most caustic bainvillian circles, could never deny that she had "a good complexion." new england, like old england, loves roses on the cheeks, and our dry western winds play havoc with them. but miss orella's bloomed brighter than at home. "it is pleasant," she said softly; "all this coming and going--and the nice people--who stay." she looked at no one in particular, yet mr. dykeman seemed pleased. "there's another coming, i guess," remarked grandma, as a carriage was heard to stop outside, the gate slammed, and trunk-burdened steps pounded heavily across the piazza. the bell rang sharply, mr. dykeman opened the door, and the trunk came in first--a huge one, dumped promptly on the hall floor. behind the trunk and the man beneath it entered a lady; slim, elegant, graceful, in a rich silk dust coat and soft floating veils. "my dear miss elder!" she said, coming forward; "and vivian! dear vivian! i thought you could put me up, somewhere, and told him to come right here. o--and please--i haven't a bit of change left in my purse--will you pay the man?" "well, if it isn't mrs. st. cloud," said grandma, without any note of welcome in her voice. mr. dykeman paid the man; looked at the trunk, and paid him some more. the man departed swearing softly at nothing in particular, and mr. dykeman departed also to his own room. miss orella's hospitable soul was much exercised. refuse shelter to an old acquaintance, a guest, however unexpected, she could not; yet she had no vacant room. vivian, flushed and excited, moved anew by her old attraction, eagerly helped the visitor take off her wraps, mrs. pettigrew standing the while, with her arms folded, in the doorway of her room, her thin lips drawn to a hard line, as one intending to repel boarders at any risk to life or limb. dr. bellair had returned to her apartments at the first sound of the visitor's voice. she, gracious and calm in the midst of confusion, sat in a wreath of down-dropped silken wrappings, and held vivian's hand. "you dear child!" she said, "how well you look! what a charming place this is. the doctors sent me west for my health; i'm on my way to california. but when i found the train stopped here--i didn't know that it did till i saw the name--i had them take my trunk right off, and here i am! it is such a pleasure to see you all." "huh!" said mrs. pettigrew, and disappeared completely, closing the door behind her. "anything will do, miss elder," the visitor went on. "i shall find a hall bedroom palatial after a sleeping car; or a garret--anything! it's only for a few days, you know." vivian was restraining herself from hospitable offers by remembering that her room was also susie's, and miss orella well knew that to give up hers meant sleeping on a hard, short sofa in that all-too-public parlor. she was hastily planning in her mind to take susie in with her and persuade mrs. pettigrew to harbor vivian, somewhat deterred by memories of the old lady's expression as she departed, when mr. dykeman appeared at the door, suitcase in hand. "i promised hale i'd keep house for those fatherless boys, you know," he said. "in the meantime, you're quite welcome to use my room, miss elder." and he departed, her blessing going with him. more light refreshments were now in order. mrs. st. cloud protesting that she wanted nothing, but finding much to praise in the delicacies set before her. several of the other boarders drifted in, always glad of an extra bite before going to bed. susie and mr. saunders returned from a walk, morton reappeared, and jeanne, peering sharply in, resentful of this new drain upon her pantry shelves, saw a fair, sweet-faced woman, seated at ease, eating daintily, while miss elder and vivian waited upon her, and the men all gathered admiringly about. jeanne jeaune wagged her head. "ah, ha, madame!" she muttered softly, "such as you i have met before!" theophile she had long since sent to bed, remaining up herself to keep an eye on the continued disturbance in the front of the house. vivian and susie brought the dishes out, and would have washed them or left them till morning for the maids. "truly, no," said jeanne jeaune; "go you to your beds; i will attend to these." one by one she heard them go upstairs, distant movement and soft dissuasion as two gentlemen insisted on bearing mrs. st. cloud's trunk into her room, receding voices and closing doors. there was no sound in the dining-room now, but still she waited; the night was not yet quiet. miss elder and susie, vivian also, hovered about, trying to make this new guest comfortable, in spite of her graceful protests that they must not concern themselves in the least about her, that she wanted nothing--absolutely nothing. at last they left her, and still later, after some brief exchange of surprised comment and warm appreciation of mr. dykeman's thoughtfulness, the family retired. vivian, when her long hair was smoothly braided for the night, felt an imperative need for water. "don't you want some, susie? i'll bring you a glass." but susie only huddled the bedclothes about her pretty shoulders and said: "don't bring me _anything_, until to-morrow morning!" so her room-mate stole out softly in her wrapper, remembering that a pitcher of cool water still stood on one of the tables. the windows to the street let in a flood of light from a big street lamp, and she found her way easily, but was a bit startled for a moment to find a man still sitting there, his head upon his arms. "why, morton," she said; "is that you? what are you sitting up for? it's awfully late. i'm just after some water." she poured a glassful. "don't you want some?" "no, thank you," he said. "yes, i will. give me some, please." the girl gave him a glass, drank from her own and set it down, turning to go, but he reached out and caught a flowing sleeve of her kimono. "don't go, vivian! do sit down and talk to a fellow. i've been trying to see you for days and days." "why, morton elder, how absurd! you have certainly seen me every day, and we've talked hours this very evening. this is no time for conversation, surely." "the best time in the world," he assured her. "all the other times there are people about--dozens--hundreds--swarms! i want to talk to just you." there were certainly no dozens or hundreds about now, but as certainly there was one, noting with keen and disapproving interest this midnight tãªte-ã -tãªte. it did not last very long, and was harmless and impersonal enough while it lasted. vivian sat for a few moments, listening patiently while the young man talked of his discouragements, his hopes, his wishes to succeed in life, to be worthy of her; but when the personal note sounded, when he tried to take her hand in the semi-darkness, then her new england conscience sounded also, and she rose to her feet and left him. "we'll talk about that another time," she said. "now do be quiet and do not wake people up." he stole upstairs, dutifully, and she crept softly back to her room and got into bed, without eliciting more than a mild grunt from sleepy susie. silence reigned at last in the house. not for long, however. at about half past twelve dr. bellair was roused from a well-earned sleep by a light, insistent tap upon her door. she listened, believing it to be a wind-stirred twig; but no, it was a finger tap--quiet--repeated. she opened the door upon jeanne in her stocking feet. "your pardon, mrs. doctor," said the visitor, "but it is of importance. may i speak for a little? no, i'm not ill, and we need not a light." they sat in the clean little office, the swaying cottonwood boughs making a changeful pattern on the floor. "you are a doctor, and you can make an end to it--you must make an end to it," said jeanne, after a little hesitation. "this young man--this nephew--he must not marry my young lady." "what makes you think he wants to?" asked the doctor. "i have seen, i have heard--i know," said jeanne. "you know, all can see that he loves her. _he!_ not such as he for my young lady." "why do you object to him, jeanne?" "he has lived the bad life," said the woman, grimly. "most young men are open to criticism," said dr. bellair. "have you anything definite to tell me--anything that you could _prove_?--if it were necessary to save her?" she leaned forward, elbows on knees. jeanne sat in the flickering shadows, considering her words. "he has had the sickness," she said at last. "can you prove that?" "i can prove to you, a doctor, that coralie and anastasia and estelle--they have had it. they are still alive; but not so beautiful." "yes; but how can you prove it on him?" "i know he was with them. well, it was no secret. i myself have seen--he was there often." "how on earth have you managed not to be recognized?" dr. bellair inquired after a few moments. jeanne laughed bitterly. "that was eight years ago; he was but a boy--gay and foolish, with the others. what does a boy know?... also, at that time i was blonde, and--of a difference." "i see," said the doctor, "i see! that's pretty straight. you know personally of that time, and you know the record of those others. but that was a long time ago." "i have heard of him since, many times, in such company," said jeanne. they sat in silence for some time. a distant church clock struck a single deep low note. the woman rose, stood for a hushed moment, suddenly burst forth with hushed intensity: "you must save her, doctor--you will! i was young once," she went on. "i did not know--as she does not. i married, and--_that_ came to me! it made me a devil--for awhile. tell her, doctor--if you must; tell her about my boy!" she went away, weeping silently, and dr. bellair sat sternly thinking in her chair, and fell asleep in it from utter weariness. chapter viii. a mixture. in poetry and painting and fiction we see such praise for the dawn of the day, we've long since been convinced that a sunrise must be all glorious and golden and gay. but we find there are mornings quite foggy and drear, with the clouds in a low-hanging pall; till the grey light of daylight can hardly make clear that the sun has arisen at all. dr. richard hale left his brood of temporary orphans without really expecting for them any particular oversight from andrew dykeman; but the two were sufficiently close friends to well warrant the latter in moving over to the monastery--as jimmie saunders called it. mr. dykeman was sufficiently popular with the young men to be welcome, even if he had not had a good excuse, and when they found how super-excellent his excuse was they wholly approved. to accommodate miss orella was something--all the boys liked miss orella. they speculated among themselves on her increasing youth and good looks, and even exchanged sagacious theories as to the particular acting cause. but when they found that mr. dykeman's visit was to make room for the installation of mrs. st. cloud, they were more than pleased. all the unexpressed ideals of masculine youth seemed centered in this palely graceful lady; the low, sweet voice, the delicate hands, the subtle sympathy of manner, the nameless, quiet charm of dress. young burns became her slave on sight, lawson and peters fell on the second day; not one held out beyond the third. even susie's attractions paled, her very youth became a disadvantage; she lacked that large considering tenderness. "fact is," mr. peters informed his friends rather suddenly, "young women are selfish. naturally, of course. it takes some experience to--well, to understand a fellow." they all agreed with him. mr. dykeman, quiet and reserved as always, was gravely polite to the newcomer, and mr. skee revolved at a distance, making observations. occasionally he paid some court to her, at which times she was cold to him; and again he devoted himself to the other ladies with his impressive air, as of one bowing low and sweeping the floor with a plumed hat. mr. skee's stetson had, as a matter of fact, no sign of plumage, and his bows were of a somewhat jerky order; but his gallantry was sweeping and impressive, none the less. if he remained too far away mrs. st. cloud would draw him to her circle, which consisted of all the other gentlemen. there were two exceptions. mr. james saunders had reached the stage where any woman besides susie was but a skirted ghost, and morton was by this time so deeply devoted to vivian that he probably would not have wavered even if left alone. he was not wholly a free agent, however. adela st. cloud had reached an age when something must be done. her mysterious absent husband had mysteriously and absently died, and still she never breathed a word against him. but the bible class in bainville furnished no satisfactory material for further hopes, the place of her earlier dwelling seemed not wholly desirable now, and the west had called her. finding herself comfortably placed in mr. dykeman's room, and judging from the number of his shoe-trees and the quality of his remaining toilet articles that he might be considered "suitable," she decided to remain in the half-way house for a season. so settled, why, for a thousand reasons one must keep one's hand in. there were men in plenty, from twenty year old archie to the uncertain decades of mr. skee. idly amusing herself, she questioned that gentleman indirectly as to his age, drawing from him astounding memories of the previous century. when confronted with historic proof that the events he described were over a hundred years passed, he would apologize, admitting that he had no memory for dates. she owned one day, with gentle candor, to being thirty-three. "that must seem quite old to a man like you, mr. skee. i feel very old sometimes!" she lifted large eyes to him, and drew her filmy scarf around her shoulders. "your memory must be worse than mine, ma'am," he replied, "and work the same way. you've sure got ten or twenty years added on superfluous! now me!" he shook his head; "i don't remember when i was born at all. and losin' my folks so young, _and_ the family bible--i don't expect i ever shall. but i 'low i'm all of ninety-seven." this being palpably impossible, and as the only local incidents he could recall in his youth were quite dateless adventures among the indians, she gave it up. why mr. skee should have interested her at all was difficult to say, unless it was the appeal to his uncertainty--he was at least a game fish, if not edible. of the women she met, susie and vivian were far the most attractive, wherefore mrs. st. cloud, with subtle sympathy and engaging frankness, fairly cast mr. saunders in susie's arms, and vice versa, as opportunity occurred. morton she rather snubbed, treated him as a mere boy, told tales of his childhood that were in no way complimentary--so that he fled from her. with vivian she renewed her earlier influence to a great degree. with some inquiry and more intuition she discovered what it was that had chilled the girl's affection for her. "i don't wonder, my dear child," she said; "i never told you of that--i never speak of it to anyone.... it was one of the--" she shivered slightly--"darkest griefs of a very dark time.... he was a beautiful boy.... i never _dreamed_----" the slow tears rose in her beautiful eyes till they shone like shimmering stars. "heaven send no such tragedy may ever come into your life, dear!" she reached a tender hand to clasp the girl's. "i am so glad of your happiness!" vivian was silent. as a matter of fact, she was not happy enough to honestly accept sympathy. mrs. st. cloud mistook her attitude, or seemed to. "i suppose you still blame me. many people did. i often blame myself. one cannot be _too_ careful. it's a terrible responsibility, vivian--to have a man love you." the girl's face grew even more somber. that was one thing which was troubling her. "but your life is all before you," pursued the older woman. "your dream has come true! how happy--how wonderfully happy you must be!" "i am not, not _really_," said the girl. "at least----" "i know--i know; i understand," mrs. st. cloud nodded with tender wisdom. "you are not sure. is not that it?" that was distinctly "it," and vivian so agreed. "there is no other man?" "not the shadow of one!" said the girl firmly. and as her questioner had studied the field and made up her mind to the same end, she believed her. "then you must not mind this sense of uncertainty. it always happens. it is part of the morning clouds of maidenhood, my dear--it vanishes with the sunrise!" and she smiled beatifically. then the girl unburdened herself of her perplexities. she could always express herself so easily to this sympathetic friend. "there are so many things that i--dislike--about him," she said. "habits of speech--of manners. he is not--not what i----" she paused. "not all the dream! ah! my dear child, they never are! we are given these beautiful ideals to guard and guide us; but the real is never quite the same. but when a man's soul opens to you--when he loves--these small things vanish. they can be changed--you will change them." "yes--he says so," vivian admitted. "he says that he knows that he is--unworthy--and has done wrong things. but so have i, for that matter." mrs. st. cloud agreed with her. "i am glad you feel that, my dear. men have their temptations--their vices--and we good women are apt to be hard on them. but have we no faults? ah, my dear, i have seen good women--young girls, like yourself--ruin a man's whole life by--well, by heartlessness; by lack of understanding. most young men do things they become ashamed of when they really love. and in the case of a motherless boy like this--lonely, away from his home, no good woman's influence about--what else could we expect? but you can make a new man of him. a glorious work!" "that's what he says. i'm not so sure--" the girl hesitated. "not sure you can? oh, my child, it is the most beautiful work on earth! to see from year to year a strong, noble character grow under your helping hand! to be the guiding star, the inspiration of a man's life. to live to hear him say: "'ah, who am i that god should bow from heaven to choose a wife for me? what have i done he should endow my home with thee?'" there was a silence. vivian's dark eyes shone with appreciation for the tender beauty of the lines, the lovely thought. then she arose and walked nervously across the floor, returning presently. "mrs. st. cloud----" "call me adela, my dear." "adela--dear adela--you--you have been married. i have no mother. tell me, ought not there to be more--more love? i'm fond of morton, of course, and i do want to help him--but surely, if i loved him--i should feel happier--more sure!" "the first part of love is often very confusing, my dear. i'll tell you how it is: just because you are a woman grown and feel your responsibilities, especially here, where you have so many men friends, you keep morton at a distance. then the external sort of cousinly affection you have for him rather blinds you to other feelings. but i have not forgotten--and i'm sure you have not--the memory of that hot, sweet night so long ago; the world swimming in summer moonlight and syringa sweetness; the stillness everywhere--and your first kiss!" vivian started to her feet. she moved to the window and stood awhile; came back and kissed her friend warmly, and went away without another word. the lady betook herself to her toilet, and spent some time on it, for there was one of miss peeder's classes that night. mrs. st. cloud danced with many, but most with mr. dykeman; no woman in the room had her swimming grace of motion, and yet, with all the throng of partners about her she had time to see susie's bright head bobbing about beneath mr. saunders down-bent, happy face, and vivian, with her eyes cast down, dancing with morton, whose gaze never left her. he was attention itself, he brought her precisely the supper she liked, found her favorite corner to rest in, took her to sit on the broad piazza between dances, remained close to her, still talking earnestly, when all the outsiders had gone. vivian found it hard to sleep that night. all that he had said of his new hope, new power, new courage, bore out mrs. st. cloud's bright promise of a new-built life. and some way, as she had listened and did not forbid, the touch of his hand, the pressure of his arm, grew warmer and brought back the memories of that summer night so long ago. he had begged hard for a kiss before he left her, and she quite had to tear herself away, as susie drifted in, also late; and aunt orella said they must all go to bed right away--she was tired if they were not. she did look tired. this dance seemed somehow less agreeable to her than had others. she took off her new prettinesses and packed them away in a box in the lower drawer. "i'm an old fool!" she said. "trying to dress up like a girl. i'm ashamed of myself!" quite possibly she did not sleep well either, yet she had no room-mate to keep her awake by babbling on, as susie did to vivian. her discourse was first, last and always about jimmie saunders. he had said this, he had looked that, he had done so; and what did vivian think he meant? and wasn't he handsome--and _so_ clever! little susie cuddled close and finally dropped off asleep, her arms around vivian. but the older girl counted the hours; her head, or her heart, in a whirl. morton elder was wakeful, too. so much so that he arose with a whispered expletive, took his shoes in his hand, and let himself softly out for a tramp in the open. this was not the first of his love affairs, but with all his hot young heart he wished it was. he stood still, alone on the high stretches of moonlit mesa and looked up at the measureless, brilliant spaces above him. "i'll keep straight--if i can have her!" he repeated under his breath. "i will! i will!" it had never occurred to him before to be ashamed of the various escapades of his youth. he had done no more than others, many others. none of "the boys" he associated with intended to do what was wrong; they were quite harsh in judgment of those who did, according to their standards. none of them had been made acquainted with the social or pathological results of their amusements, and the mere "zutritt ist verboten" had never impressed them at all. but now the gentler influences of his childhood, even the narrow morality of bainville, rose in pleasant colors in his mind. he wished he had saved his money, instead of spending it faster than it came in. he wished he had kept out of poker and solo and barrooms generally. he wished, in a dumb, shamed way, that he could come to her as clean as she was. but he threw his shoulders back and lifted his head determinedly. "i'll be good to her," he determined; "i'll make her a good husband." in the days that followed his devotion was as constant as before, but more intelligent. his whole manner changed and softened. he began to read the books she liked, and to talk about them. he was gentler to everyone, more polite, even to the waitresses, tender and thoughtful of his aunt and sister. vivian began to feel a pride in him, and in her influence, deepening as time passed. mrs. pettigrew, visiting the library on one of her frequent errands, was encountered there and devotedly escorted home by mr. skee. "that is a most fascinating young lady who has mr. dykeman's room; don't you think so, ma'am?" quoth he. "i do not," said mrs. pettigrew. "young! she's not so young as you are--nothing like--never was!" he threw back his head and laughed his queer laugh, which looked so uproarious and made so little noise. "she certainly is a charmer, whatever her age may be," he continued. "glad you think so, mr. skee. it may be time you lost a fourth!" "lost a fourth? what in the--hesperides!" "if you can't guess what, you needn't ask me!" said the lady, with some tartness. "but for my own part i prefer the apaches. good afternoon, mr. skee." she betook herself to her room with unusual promptness, and refused to be baited forth by any kind of offered amusement. "it's right thoughtful of andy dykeman, gettin' up this entertainment for mrs. st. cloud, isn't it, mrs. elder?" thus mr. skee to miss orella a little later. "i don't think it is mr. dykeman's idea at all," she told him. "it's those boys over there. they are all wild about her, quite naturally." she gave a little short sigh. "if dr. hale were at home i doubt if he would encourage it." "i'm pretty sure he wouldn't, ma'am. he's certainly down on the fair sex, even such a peacherino as this one. but with andy, now, it's different. he is a man of excellent judgment." "i guess all men's judgment is pretty much alike in some ways," said miss orella, oracularly. she seemed busy and constrained, and mr. skee drifted off and paid court as best he might to dr. bellair. "charmed to find you at home, ma'am," he said; "or shall i say at office?" "call it what you like, mr. skee; it's been my home for a good many years now." "it's a mighty fine thing for a woman, livin' alone, to have a business, seems to me," remarked the visitor. "it's a fine thing for any woman, married or single, to my mind," she answered. "i wish i could get vivian lane started in that kindergarten she talks about." "there's kids enough, and goodness knows they need a gardener! what's lackin'? house room?" "she thinks she's not really competent. she has no regular certificate, you see. her parents would never let go of her long enough," the doctor explained. "some parents _are_ pretty graspin', ain't they? to my mind, miss vivian would be a better teacher than lots of the ticketed ones. she's got the natural love of children." "yes, and she has studied a great deal. she just needs an impetus." "perhaps if she thought there was 'a call' she might be willing. i doubt if the families here realize what they're missin'. aint there some among your patients who could be stirred up a little?" the doctor thought there were, and he suggested several names from his apparently unlimited acquaintance. "i believe in occupation for the young. it takes up their minds," said mr. skee, and departed with serenity. he strolled over to dr. hale's fence and leaned upon it, watching the preparations. mr. dykeman, in his shirt-sleeves, stood about offering suggestions, while the young men swarmed here and there with poles and stepladders, hanging chinese lanterns. "hello, elmer; come in and make yourself useful," called mr. dykeman. "i'll come in, but i'll be switched if i'll be useful," he replied, laying a large hand on the fence and vaulting his long legs over it with an agility amazing in one of his alleged years. "you all are sure putting yourself out for this occasion. is it somebody's birthday?" "no; it's a get-up of these youngsters. they began by wanting mrs. st. cloud to come over to tea--afternoon tea--and now look at this!" "did she misunderstand the invitation as bad as that?" "o, no; just a gradual change of plan. one thing leads to another, you know. here, archie! that bush won't hold the line. put it on the willow." "i see," said mr. skee; "and, as we're quotin' proverbs, i might remark that 'while the cat's away the mice will play.'" mr. dykeman smiled. "it's rather a good joke on hale, isn't it?" "would be if he should happen to come home--and find this hen-party on." they both chuckled. "i guess he's good for a week yet," said mr. dykeman. "those medical associations do a lot of talking. higher up there, george--a good deal higher." he ran over to direct the boys, and mr. skee, hands behind him, strolled up and down the garden, wearing a meditative smile. he and andrew dykeman had been friends for many long years. dr. bellair used her telephone freely after mr. skee's departure, making notes and lists of names. late in the afternoon she found vivian in the hall. "i don't see much of you these days, miss lane," she said. the girl flushed. since mrs. st. cloud's coming and their renewed intimacy she had rather avoided the doctor, and that lady had kept herself conspicuously out of the way. "don't call me miss lane; i'm vivian--to my friends." "i hope you count me a friend?" said dr. bellair, gravely. "i do, doctor, and i'm proud to. but so many things have been happening lately," she laughed, a little nervously. "the truth is, i'm really ashamed to talk to you; i'm so lazy." "that's exactly what i wanted to speak about. aren't you ready to begin that little school of yours?" "i'd like to--i should, really," said the girl. "but, somehow, i don't know how to set about it." "i've been making some inquiries," said the doctor. "there are six or eight among my patients that you could count on--about a dozen young ones. how many could you handle?" "oh, i oughtn't to have more than twenty in any case. a dozen would be plenty to begin with. do you think i _could_ count on them--really?" "i tell you what i'll do," her friend offered; "i'll take you around and introduce you to any of them you don't know. most of 'em come here to the dances. there's mrs. horsford and mrs. blake, and that little mary jackson with the twins. you'll find they are mostly friends." "you are awfully kind," said the girl. "i wish"--her voice took on a sudden note of intensity--"i do wish i were strong, like you, dr. bellair." "i wasn't very strong--at your age--my child. i did the weakest of weak things--" vivian was eager to ask her what it was, but a door opened down one side passage and the doctor quietly disappeared down the other, as mrs. st. cloud came out. "i thought i heard your voice," she said. "and miss elder's, wasn't it?" "no; it was dr. bellair." "a strong character, and a fine physician, i understand. i'm sorry she does not like me." mrs. st. cloud's smile made it seem impossible that anyone should dislike her. vivian could not, however, deny the fact, and was not diplomatic enough to smooth it over, which her more experienced friend proceeded to do. "it is temperamental," she said gently. "if we had gone to school together we would not have been friends. she is strong, downright, progressive; i am weaker, more sensitive, better able to bear than to do. you must find her so stimulating." "yes," the girl said. "she was talking to me about my school." "your school?" "didn't you know i meant to have a sort of kindergarten? we planned it even before starting; but miss elder seemed to need me at first, and since then--things--have happened----" "and other things will happen, dear child! quite other and different things." the lady's smile was bewitching. vivian flushed slowly under her gaze. "oh, my dear, i watched you dancing together! you don't mind my noticing, do you?" her voice was suddenly tender and respectful. "i do not wish to intrude, but you are very dear to me. come into my room--do--and tell me what to wear to-night." mrs. st. cloud's clothes had always been a delight to vivian. they were what she would have liked to wear--and never quite have dared, under the new england fear of being "too dressy." her own beauty was kept trimly neat, like a closed gentian. her friend was in the gayest mood. she showed her a trunkful of delicate garments and gave her a glittering embroidered scarf, which the girl rapturously admired, but declared she would never have the courage to wear. "you shall wear it this very night," declared the lady. "here--show me what you've got. you shall be as lovely as you _are_, for once!" so vivian brought out her modest wardrobe, and the older woman chose a gown of white, insisted on shortening the sleeves to fairy wings of lace, draped the scarf about her white neck, raised the soft, close-bound hair to a regal crown, and put a shining star in it, and added a string of pearls on the white throat. "look at yourself now, child!" she said. vivian looked, in the long depths of mr. dykeman's mirror. she knew that she had beauty, but had never seen herself so brilliantly attired. erect, slender, graceful, the long lines of her young body draped in soft white, and her dark head, crowned and shining, poised on its white column, rising from the shimmering lace. her color deepened as she looked, and added to the picture. "you shall wear it to-night! you shall!" cried her admiring friend. "to please me--if no one else!" whether to please her or someone else, vivian consented, the two arriving rather late at the garden party across the way. mr. dykeman, looking very tall and fine in his evening clothes, was a cordial host, ably seconded by the eager boys about him. the place was certainly a credit to their efforts, the bare rooms being turned to bowers by vines and branches brought from the mountains, and made fragrant by piled flowers. lights glimmered through colored shades among the leaves, and on the dining table young peters, who came from connecticut, had rigged a fountain by means of some rubber tubing and an auger hole in the floor. this he had made before mr. dykeman caught him, and vowed dr. hale would not mind. mr. peters' enjoyment of the evening, however, was a little dampened by his knowledge of the precarious nature of this arrangement. he danced attendance on mrs. st. cloud, with the others, but wore a preoccupied expression, and stole in once or twice from the lit paths outside to make sure that all was running well. it was well to and during supper time, and the young man was complimented on his ingenuity. "reminds me of the hanging gardens of babylon," said mr. skee, sentimentally. "why?" asked mrs. pettigrew. "oh, _why_, ma'am? how can a fellow say why?" he protested. "because it is so--so efflorescent, i suppose." "reminds me of a loose faucet," said she, _sotto voce_, to dr. bellair. mr. peters beamed triumphantly, but in the very hour of his glory young burns, hastening to get a cup of coffee for his fair one, tripped over the concealed pipe, and the fountain poured forth its contributions among the feet of the guests. this was a minor misadventure, however, hurting no one's feeling but mr. peters', and mrs. st. cloud was so kind to him in consequence that he was envied by all the others. mr. dykeman was attentive to his guests, old and young, but mrs. pettigrew had not her usual smile for him; miss orella declined to dance, alleging that she was too tired, and dr. bellair somewhat dryly told him that he need not bother with her. he was hardly to be blamed if he turned repeatedly to mrs. st. cloud, whose tactful sweetness was always ready. she had her swarm of young admirers about her, yet never failed to find a place for her host, a smile and a word of understanding. her eyes were everywhere. she watched mr. skee waltzing with the youngest, providing well-chosen refreshments for miss orella, gallantly escorting grandma to see the "lovers' lane" they had made at the end of the garden. its twin lines of lights were all outside; within was grateful shadow. mrs. st. cloud paced through this fragrant arbor with each and every one of the receiving party, uttering ever-fresh expressions of admiration and gratitude for their kind thoughtfulness, especially to mr. dykeman. when she saw susie and mr. saunders go in at the farther end, she constituted herself a sort of protective agency to keep every one else out, holding them in play with various pleasant arts. and vivian? when she arrived there was a little gasp from morton, who was waiting for her near the door. she was indeed a sight to make a lover's heart leap. he had then, as it were, surrounded her. vainly did the others ask for dances. morton had unblushingly filled out a card with his own name and substituted it for the one she handed him. she protested, but the music sounded and he whirled her away before she could expostulate to any avail. his eyes spoke his admiration, and for once his tongue did not spoil the impression. half laughing and half serious, she let him monopolize her, but quite drove him away when mr. dykeman claimed his dance. "all filled up!" said morton for her, showing his card. "mine was promised yesterday, was it not, miss lane?" said the big man, smiling. and she went with him. he took her about the garden later, gravely admiring and attentive, and when susie fairly rushed into her arms, begging her to come and talk with her, he left them both in a small rose-crowned summer-house and went back to mrs. st. cloud. "oh, vivian, vivian! what do you think!" susie's face was buried on vivian's shoulder. "i'm engaged!" vivian held her close and kissed her soft hair. her joyous excitement was contagious. "he's the nicest man in the world!" breathed susie, "and he loves me!" "we all supposed he did. didn't you know it before?" "oh, yes, in a way; but, vivian--he kissed me!" "well, child, have you never in all your little life been kissed before?" susie lifted a rosy, tearful face for a moment. "never, never, never!" she said. "i thought i had, but i haven't! oh, i am so happy!" "what's up?" inquired morton, appearing with a pink lantern in his hand, in impatient search for his adored one. "susie--crying?" "no, i'm _not_," she said, and ran forthwith back to the house, whence jimmy was bringing her ice cream. vivian started to follow her. "oh, no, vivian; don't go. wait." he dropped the lantern and took her hands. the paper cover flared up, showing her flushed cheeks and starry eyes. he stamped out the flame, and in the sudden darkness caught her in his arms. for a moment she allowed him, turning her head away. he kissed her white shoulder. "no! no, morton--don't! you mustn't!" she tried to withdraw herself, but he held her fast. she could feel the pounding of his heart. "oh, vivian, don't say no! you will marry me, won't you? some day, when i'm more worth while. say you will! some day--if not now. i love you so; i need you so! say yes, vivian." he was breathing heavily. his arms held her motionless. she still kept her face turned from him. "let me go, morton; let me go! you hurt me!" "say yes, dear, and i'll let you go--for a little while." "yes," said vivian. the ground jarred beside them, as a tall man jumped the hedge boundary. he stood a moment, staring. "well, is this my house, or coney island?" they heard him say. and then morton swore softly to himself as vivian left him and came out. "good evening, dr. hale," she said, a little breathlessly. "we weren't expecting you so soon." "i should judge not," he answered. "what's up, anyhow?" "the boys--and mr. dykeman--are giving a garden party for mrs. st. cloud." "for whom?" "for adela st. cloud. she is visiting us. aren't you coming in?" "not now," he said, and was gone without another word. chapter ix. consequences. you may have a fondness for grapes that are green, and the sourness that greenness beneath; you may have a right to a colic at night- but consider your children's teeth! dr. hale retired from his gaily illuminated grounds in too much displeasure to consider the question of dignity. one suddenly acting cause was the news given him by vivian. the other was the sight of morton elder's face as he struck a match to light his cigarette. thus moved, and having entered and left his own grounds like a thief in the night, he proceeded to tramp in the high-lying outskirts of the town until every light in his house had gone out. then he returned, let himself into his office, and lay there on a lounge until morning. vivian had come out so quickly to greet the doctor from obscure motives. she felt a sudden deep objection to being found there with morton, a wish to appear as one walking about unconcernedly, and when that match glow made morton's face shine out prominently in the dark shelter, she, too, felt a sudden displeasure. without a word she went swiftly to the house, excused herself to her grandmother, who nodded understandingly, and returned to the cottonwoods, to her room. she felt that she must be alone and think; think of that irrevocable word she had uttered, and its consequences. she sat at her window, rather breathless, watching the rows of pink lanterns swaying softly on the other side of the street; hearing the lively music, seeing young couples leave the gate and stroll off homeward. susie's happiness came more vividly to mind than her own. it was so freshly joyous, so pure, so perfectly at rest. she could not feel that way, could not tell with decision exactly how she did feel. but if this was happiness, it was not as she had imagined it. she thought of that moonlit summer night so long ago, and the memory of its warm wonder seemed sweeter than the hasty tumult and compulsion of to-night. she was stirred through and through by morton's intense emotion, but with a sort of reaction, a wish to escape. he had been so madly anxious, he had held her so close; there seemed no other way but to yield to him--in order to get away. and then dr. hale had jarred the whole situation. she had to be polite to him, in his own grounds. if only morton had kept still--that grating match--his face, bent and puffing, dr. hale must have seen him. and again she thought of little susie with almost envy. even after that young lady had come in, bubbled over with confidences and raptures, and finally dropped to sleep without vivian's having been able to bring herself to return the confidences, she stole back to her window again to breathe. why had dr. hale started so at the name of mrs. st. cloud? that was puzzling her more than she cared to admit. by and by she saw his well-known figure, tall and erect, march by on the other side and go into the office. "o, well," she sighed at last, "i'm not young, like susie. perhaps it _is_ like this--" now morton had been in no special need of that cigarette at that special moment, but he did not wish to seem to hide in the dusky arbor, nor to emerge lamely as if he had hidden. so he lit the match, more from habit than anything else. when it was out, and the cigarette well lighted, he heard the doctor's sudden thump on the other side of the fence and came out to rejoin vivian. she was not there. he did not see her again that night, and his meditations were such that next day found him, as a lover, far more agreeable to vivian than the night before. he showed real understanding, no triumph, no airs of possession; took no liberties, only said: "when i am good enough i shall claim you--my darling!" and looked at her with such restrained longing that she quite warmed to him again. he held to this attitude, devoted, quietly affectionate; till her sense of rebellion passed away and her real pleasure in his improvement reasserted itself. as they read together, if now and then his arm stole around her waist, he always withdrew it when so commanded. still, one cannot put the same severity into a prohibition too often repeated. the constant, thoughtful attention of a man experienced in the art of pleasing women, the new and frankly inexperienced efforts he made to meet her highest thoughts, to learn and share her preferences, both pleased her. he was certainly good looking, certainly amusing, certainly had become a better man from her companionship. she grew to feel a sort of ownership in this newly arisen character; a sort of pride in it. then, she had always been fond of morton, since the time when he was only "susie's big brother." that counted. another thing counted, too, counted heavily, though vivian never dreamed of it and would have hotly repudiated the charge. she was a woman of full marriageable age, with all the unused powers of her woman's nature calling for expression, quite unrecognized. he was a man who loved her, loved her more deeply than he had ever loved before, than he had even known he could love; who quite recognized what called within him and meant to meet the call. and he was near her every day. after that one fierce outbreak he held himself well in check. he knew he had startled her then, almost lost her. and with every hour of their companionship he felt more and more how much she was to him. other women he had pursued, overtaken, left behind. he felt that there was something in vivian which was beyond him, giving a stir and lift of aspiration which he genuinely enjoyed. day by day he strove to win her full approval, and day by day he did not neglect the tiny, slow-lapping waves of little tendernesses, small affectionate liberties at well-chosen moments, always promptly withdrawing when forbidden, but always beginning again a little further on. dr. bellair went to dr. hale's office and sat herself down solidly in the patient's chair. "dick," she said, "are you going to stand for this?" "stand for what, my esteemed but cryptic fellow-practitioner?" she eyed his calm, reserved countenance with friendly admiration. "you are an awfully good fellow, dick, but dull. at the same time dull and transparent. are you going to sit still and let that dangerous patient of yours marry the finest girl in town?" "your admiration for girls is always stronger than mine, jane; and i have, if you will pardon the boast, more than one patient." "all right, dick--if you want it made perfectly clear to your understanding. do you mean to let morton elder marry vivian lane?" "what business is it of mine?" he demanded, more than brusquely--savagely. "you know what he's got." "i am a physician, not a detective. and i am not miss lane's father, brother, uncle or guardian." "or lover," added dr. bellair, eyeing him quietly. she thought she saw a second's flicker of light in the deep gray eyes, a possible tightening of set lips. "suppose you are not," she said; "nor even a humanitarian. you _are_ a member of society. do you mean to let a man whom you know has no right to marry, poison the life of that splendid girl?" he was quite silent for a moment, but she could see the hand on the farther arm of his chair grip it till the nails were white. "how do you know he--wishes to marry her?" "if you were about like other people, you old hermit, you'd know it as well as anybody. i think they are on the verge of an engagement, if they aren't over it already. once more, dick, shall you do anything?" "no," said he. then, as she did not add a word, he rose and walked up and down the office in big strides, turning upon her at last. "you know how i feel about this. it is a matter of honor--professional honor. you women don't seem to know what the word means. i've told that good-for-nothing young wreck that he has no right to marry for years yet, if ever. that is all i can do. i will not betray the confidence of a patient." "not if he had smallpox, or scarlet fever, or the bubonic plague? suppose a patient of yours had the leprosy, and wanted to marry your sister, would you betray his confidence?" "i might kill my sister," he said, glaring at her. "i refuse to argue with you." "yes, i think you'd better refuse," she said, rising. "and you don't have to kill vivian lane, either. a man's honor always seems to want to kill a woman to satisfy it. i'm glad i haven't got the feeling. well, dick, i thought i'd give you a chance to come to your senses, a real good chance. but i won't leave you to the pangs of unavailing remorse, you poor old goose. that young syphilitic is no patient of mine." and she marched off to perform a difficult duty. she was very fond of vivian. the girl's unselfish sweetness of character and the depth of courage and power she perceived behind the sensitive, almost timid exterior, appealed to her. if she had had a daughter, perhaps she would have been like that. if she had had a daughter would she not have thanked anyone who would try to save her from such a danger? from that worse than deadly peril, because of which she had no daughter. dr. bellair was not the only one who watched morton's growing devotion with keen interest. to his aunt it was a constant joy. from the time her boisterous little nephew had come to rejoice her heart and upset her immaculate household arrangements, and had played, pleasantly though tyrannically, with the little girl next door, miss orella had dreamed this romance for him. to have it fail was part of her grief when he left her, to have it now so visibly coming to completion was a deep delight. if she had been blind to his faults, she was at least vividly conscious of the present sudden growth of virtues. she beamed at him with affectionate pride, and her manner to mrs. pettigrew was one of barely subdued "i told you so." indeed, she could not restrain herself altogether, but spoke to that lady with tender triumph of how lovely it was to have morton so gentle and nice. "you never did like the boy, i know, but you must admit that he is behaving beautifully now." "i will," said the old lady; "i'll admit it without reservation. he's behaving beautifully--now. but i'm not going to talk about him--to you, orella." so she rolled up her knitting work and marched off. "too bad she's so prejudiced and opinionated," said miss elder to susie, rather warmly. "i'm real fond of mrs. pettigrew, but when she takes a dislike----" susie was so happy herself that she seemed to walk in an aura of rosy light. her jimmie was so evidently the incarnation of every masculine virtue and charm that he lent a reflected lustre to other men, even to her brother. because of her love for jimmie, she loved morton better--loved everybody better. to have her only brother marry her dearest friend was wholly pleasant to susie. it was not difficult to wring from vivian a fair knowledge of how things stood, for, though reserved by nature, she was utterly unused to concealing anything, and could not tell an efficient lie if she wanted to. "are you engaged or are you not, you dear old thing?" demanded susie. and vivian admitted that there was "an understanding." but susie absolutely must not speak of it. for a wonder she did not, except to jimmie. but people seemed to make up their minds on the subject with miraculous agreement. the general interest in the manifold successes of mrs. st. cloud gave way to this vivid personal interest, and it was discussed from two sides among their whole circle of acquaintance. one side thought that a splendid girl was being wasted, sacrificed, thrown away, on a disagreeable, good-for-nothing fellow. the other side thought the "interesting" mr. elder might have done better; they did not know what he could see in her. they, that vaguely important they, before whom we so deeply bow, were also much occupied in their mind by speculations concerning mr. dykeman and two possibilities. one quite patently possible, even probable, giving rise to the complacent "why, anybody could see that!" and the other a fascinatingly impossible possibility of a sort which allows the even more complacent "didn't you? why, i could see it from the first." mr. dykeman had been a leading citizen in that new-built town for some ten years, which constituted him almost the oldest inhabitant. he was reputed to be extremely wealthy, though he never said anything about it, and neither his clothing nor his cigars reeked of affluence. perhaps nomadic chambermaids had spread knowledge of those silver-backed appurtenances, and the long mirror. or perhaps it was not woman's gossip at all, but men's gossip, which has wider base, and wider circulation, too. mr. dykeman had certainly "paid attentions" to miss elder. miss elder had undeniably brightened and blossomed most becomingly under these attentions. he had danced with her, he had driven with her, he had played piquet with her when he might have played whist. to be sure, he did these things with other ladies, and had done them for years past, but this really looked as if there might be something in it. mr. skee, as mr. dykeman's oldest friend, was even questioned a little; but it was not very much use to question mr. skee. his manner was not repellant, and not in the least reserved. he poured forth floods of information so voluminous and so varied that the recipient was rather drowned than fed. so opinions wavered as to mr. dykeman's intentions. then came this lady of irresistible charm, and the unmarried citizens of the place fell at her feet as one man. even the married ones slanted over a little. mr. dykeman danced with her, more than he had with miss elder. mr. dykeman drove with her, more than he had with miss elder. mr. dykeman played piquet with her, and chess, which miss elder could not play. and miss elder's little opening petals of ribbon and lace curled up and withered away; while mrs. st. cloud's silken efflorescence, softly waving and jewel-starred, flourished apace. dr. bellair had asked vivian to take a walk with her; and they sat together, resting, on a high lonely hill, a few miles out of town. "it's a great pleasure to see this much of you, dr. bellair," said the girl, feeling really complimented. "i'm afraid you won't think so, my dear, when you hear what i have to say: what i _have_ to say." the girl flushed a little. "are you going to scold me about something? have i done anything wrong?" her eyes smiled bravely. "go on, doctor. i know it will be for my best good." "it will indeed, dear child," said the doctor, so earnestly that vivian felt a chill of apprehension. "i am going to talk to you 'as man to man' as the story books say; as woman to woman. when i was your age i had been married three years." vivian was silent, but stole out a soft sympathetic hand and slipped it into the older woman's. she had heard of this early-made marriage, also early broken; with various dark comments to which she had paid no attention. dr. bellair was dr. bellair, and she had a reverential affection for her. there was a little silence. the doctor evidently found it hard to begin. "you love children, don't you, vivian?" the girl's eyes kindled, and a heavenly smile broke over her face. "better than anything in the world," she said. "ever think about them?" asked her friend, her own face whitening as she spoke. "think about their lovely little soft helplessness--when you hold them in your arms and have to do _everything_ for them. have to go and turn them over--see that the little ear isn't crumpled--that the covers are all right. can't you see 'em, upside down on the bath apron, grabbing at things, perfectly happy, but prepared to howl when it comes to dressing? and when they are big enough to love you! little soft arms that will hardly go round your neck. little soft cheeks against yours, little soft mouths and little soft kisses,--ever think of them?" the girl's eyes were like stars. she was looking into the future; her breath came quickly; she sat quite still. the doctor swallowed hard, and went on. "we mostly don't go much farther than that at first. it's just the babies we want. but you can look farther--can follow up, year by year, the lovely changing growing bodies and minds, the confidence and love between you, the pride you have as health is established, strength and skill developed, and character unfolds and deepens. "then when they are grown, and sort of catch up, and you have those splendid young lives about you, intimate strong friends and tender lovers. and you feel as though you had indeed done something for the world." she stopped, saying no more for a little, watching the girl's awed shining face. suddenly that face was turned to her, full of exquisite sympathy, the dark eyes swimming with sudden tears; and two soft eager arms held her close. "oh, doctor! to care like that and not--!" "yes, my dear;" said the doctor, quietly. "and not have any. not be able to have any--ever." vivian caught her breath with pitying intensity, but her friend went on. "never be able to have a child, because i married a man who had gonorrhea. in place of happy love, lonely pain. in place of motherhood, disease. misery and shame, child. medicine and surgery, and never any possibility of any child for me." the girl was pale with horror. "i--i didn't know--" she tried to say something, but the doctor burst out impatiently: "no! you don't know. i didn't know. girls aren't taught a word of what's before them till it's too late--not _then_, sometimes! women lose every joy in life, every hope, every capacity for service or pleasure. they go down to their graves without anyone's telling them the cause of it all." "that was why you--left him?" asked vivian presently. "yes, i left him. when i found i could not be a mother i determined to be a doctor, and save other women, if i could." she said this with such slow, grave emphasis that vivian turned a sudden startled face to her, and went white to the lips. "i may be wrong," the doctor said, "you have not given me your confidence in this matter. but it is better, a thousand times better, that i should make this mistake than for you to make that. you must not marry morton elder." vivian did not admit nor deny. she still wore that look of horror. "you think he has--that?" "i do not know whether he has gonorrhea or not; it takes a long microscopic analysis to be sure; but there is every practical assurance that he's had it, and i know he's had syphilis." if vivian could have turned paler she would have, then. "i've heard of--that," she said, shuddering. "yes, the other is newer to our knowledge, far commoner, and really more dangerous. they are two of the most terrible diseases known to us; highly contagious, and in the case of syphilis, hereditary. nearly three-quarters of the men have one or the other, or both." but vivian was not listening. her face was buried in her hands. she crouched low in agonized weeping. "oh, come, come, my dear. don't take it so hard. there's no harm done you see, it's not too late." "oh, it _is_ too late! it is!" wailed the girl. "i have promised to marry him." "i don't care if you were at the altar, child; you _haven't_ married him, and you mustn't." "i have given my word!" said the girl dully. she was thinking of morton now. of his handsome face, with it's new expression of respectful tenderness; of all the hopes they had built together; of his life, so dependent upon hers for its higher interests. she turned to the doctor, her lips quivering. "he _loves_ me!" she said. "i--we--he says i am all that holds him up, that helps him to make a newer better life. and he has changed so--i can see it! he says he has loved me, really, since he was seventeen!" the older sterner face did not relax. "he told me he had--done wrong. he was honest about it. he said he wasn't--worthy." "he isn't," said dr. bellair. "but surely i owe some duty to him. he depends on me. and i have promised--" the doctor grew grimmer. "marriage is for motherhood," she said. "that is its initial purpose. i suppose you might deliberately forego motherhood, and undertake a sort of missionary relation to a man, but that is not marriage." "he loves me," said the girl with gentle stubbornness. she saw morton's eyes, as she had so often seen them lately; full of adoration and manly patience. she felt his hand, as she had felt it so often lately, holding hers, stealing about her waist, sometimes bringing her fingers to his lips for a strong slow kiss which she could not forget for hours. she raised her head. a new wave of feeling swept over her. she saw a vista of self-sacrificing devotion, foregoing much, forgiving much, but rejoicing in the companionship of a noble life, a soul rebuilt, a love that was passionately grateful. her eyes met those of her friend fairly. "and i love him!" she said. "will you tell that to your crippled children?" asked dr. bellair. "will they understand it if they are idiots? will they see it if they are blind? will it satisfy you when they are dead?" the girl shrank before her. "you _shall_ understand," said the doctor. "this is no case for idealism and exalted emotion. do you want a son like theophile?" "i thought you said--they didn't have any." "some don't--that is one result. another result--of gonorrhea--is to have children born blind. their eyes may be saved, with care. but it is not a motherly gift for one's babies--blindness. you may have years and years of suffering yourself--any or all of those diseases 'peculiar to women' as we used to call them! and we pitied the men who 'were so good to their invalid wives'! you may have any number of still-born children, year after year. and every little marred dead face would remind you that you allowed it! and they may be deformed and twisted, have all manner of terrible and loathsome afflictions, they and their children after them, if they have any. and many do! dear girl, don't you see that's wicked?" vivian was silent, her two hands wrung together; her whole form shivering with emotion. "don't think that you are 'ruining his life,'" said the doctor kindly. "he ruined it long ago--poor boy!" the girl turned quickly at the note of sympathy. "they don't know either," her friend went on. "what could miss orella do, poor little saint, to protect a lively young fellow like that! all they have in their scatter-brained heads is 'it's naughty but it's nice!' and so they rush off and ruin their whole lives--and their wives'--and their children's. a man don't have to be so very wicked, either, understand. just one mis-step may be enough for infection." "even if it did break his heart, and yours--even if you both lived single, he because it is the only decent thing he can do now, you because of a misguided sense of devotion; that would be better than to commit this plain sin. beware of a biological sin, my dear; for it there is no forgiveness." she waited a moment and went on, as firmly and steadily as she would have held the walls of a wound while she placed the stitches. "if you two love each other so nobly and devotedly that it is higher and truer and more lasting than the ordinary love of men and women, you might be 'true' to one another for a lifetime, you see. and all that friendship can do, exalted influence, noble inspiration--that is open to you." vivian's eyes were wide and shining. she saw a possible future, not wholly unbearable. "has he kissed you yet?" asked the doctor suddenly. "no," she said. "that is--except----" "don't let him. you might catch it. your friendship must be distant. well, shall we be going back? i'm sorry, my dear. i did hate awfully to do it. but i hated worse to see you go down those awful steps from which there is no returning." "yes," said vivian. "thank you. won't you go on, please? i'll come later." an hour the girl sat there, with the clear blue sky above her, the soft steady wind rustling the leaves, the little birds that hopped and pecked and flirted their tails so near her motionless figure. she thought and thought, and through all the tumult of ideas it grew clearer to her that the doctor was right. she might sacrifice herself. she had no right to sacrifice her children. a feeling of unreasoning horror at this sudden outlook into a field of unknown evil was met by her clear perception that if she was old enough to marry, to be a mother, she was surely old enough to know these things; and not only so, but ought to know them. shy, sensitive, delicate in feeling as the girl was, she had a fair and reasoning mind. chapter x. determination. you may shut your eyes with a bandage, the while world vanishes soon; you may open your eyes at a knothole and see the sun and moon. it must have grieved anyone who cared for andrew dykeman, to see mrs. st. cloud's manner toward him change with his changed circumstances--she had been so much with him, had been so kind to him; kinder than carston comment "knew for a fact," but not kinder than it surmised. then, though his dress remained as quietly correct, his face assumed a worn and anxious look, and he no longer offered her long auto rides or other expensive entertainment. she saw men on the piazza stop talking as he came by, and shake their heads as they looked after him; but no one would tell her anything definite till she questioned mr. skee. "i am worried about mr. dykeman," she said to this ever-willing confidant, beckoning him to a chair beside her. a chair, to the mind of mr. skee, seemed to be for pictorial uses, only valuable as part of the composition. he liked one to stand beside, to put a foot on, to lean over from behind, arms on the back; to tip up in front of him as if he needed a barricade; and when he was persuaded to sit in one, it was either facing the back, cross-saddle and bent forward, or--and this was the utmost decorum he was able to approach--tipped backward against the wall. "he does not look well," said the lady, "you are old friends--do tell me; if it is anything wherein a woman's sympathy would be of service?" "i'm afraid not, ma'am," replied mr. skee darkly. "andy's hard hit in a worse place than his heart. i wouldn't betray a friend's confidence for any money, ma'am; but this is all over town. it'll go hard with andy, i'm afraid, at his age." "oh, i'm so sorry!" she whispered. "so sorry! but surely with a man of his abilities it will be only a temporary reverse!--" "dunno 'bout the abilities--not in this case. unless he has ability enough to discover a mine bigger'n the one he's lost! you see, ma'am, it's this way," and he sunk his voice to a confidential rumble. "andy had a bang-up mine, galena ore--not gold, you understand, but often pays better. and he kept on putting the money it made back into it to make more. then, all of a sudden, it petered out! no more eggs in that basket. 'course he can't sell it--now. and last year he refused half a million. andy's sure down on his luck." "but he will recover! you western men are so wonderful! he will find another mine!" "o yes, he _may_! certainly he _may_, ma'am. not that he found this one--he just bought it." "well--he can buy another, there are more, aren't there?" "sure there are! there's as good mines in the earth as ever was salted--that's my motto! but andy's got no more money to buy any mines. what he had before he inherited. no, ma'am," said mr. skee, with a sigh. "i'm afraid its all up with andy dykeman financially!" this he said more audibly; and miss elder and miss pettigrew, sitting in their parlor, could not help hearing. miss elder gave a little gasp and clasped her hands tightly, but miss pettigrew arose, and came outside. "what's this about mr. dykeman?" she questioned abruptly. "has he had losses?" "there now," said mr. skee, remorsefully, "i never meant to give him away like that. mrs. pettigrew, ma'am, i must beg you not to mention it further. i was only satisfyin' this lady here, in answer to sympathetic anxiety, as to what was making andrew h. dykeman so down in the mouth. yes'm--he's lost every cent he had in the world, or is likely to have. of course, among friends, he'll get a job fast enough, bookkeepin', or something like that--though he's not a brilliant man, andy isn't. you needn't to feel worried, mrs. pettigrew; he'll draw a salary all right, to the end of time; but he's out of the game of hot finance." mrs. pettigrew regarded the speaker with a scintillating eye. he returned her look with unflinching seriousness. "have a chair, ma'am," he said. "let me bring out your rocker. sit down and chat with us." "no, thanks," said the old lady. "it seems to me a little--chilly, out here. i'll go in." she went in forthwith, to find miss orella furtively wiping her eyes. "what are you crying about, orella elder! just because a man's lost his money? that happens to most of 'em now and then." "yes, i know--but you heard what he said. oh, i can't believe it! to think of his having to be provided for by his friends--and having to take a small salary--after being so well off! i am so sorry for him!" miss elder's sorrow was increased to intensity by noting mrs. st. cloud's changed attitude. mr. dykeman made no complaint, uttered no protest, gave no confidences; but it soon appeared that he was working in an office; and furthermore that this position was given him by mr. skee. that gentleman, though discreetly reticent as to his own affairs, now appeared in far finer raiment than he had hitherto affected; developed a pronounced taste in fobs and sleeve buttons; and a striking harmony in socks and scarfs. men talked openly of him; no one seemed to know anything definite, but all were certain that "old skee must have struck it rich." mr. skee kept his own counsel; but became munificent in gifts and entertainments. he produced two imposing presents for susie; one a "betrothal gift," the other a conventional wedding present. "this is a new one to me," he said when he offered her the first; "but i understand it's the thing. in fact i'm sure of it--for i've consulted mrs. st. cloud and she helped me to buy 'em." he consulted mrs. st. cloud about a dinner he proposed giving to mr. saunders--"one of these farewell to egypt affairs," he said. "not that i imagine jim saunders ever was much of a--egyptian--but then----!" he consulted her also about vivian--did she not think the girl looked worn and ill? wouldn't it be a good thing to send her off for a trip somewhere? he consulted her about a library; said he had always wanted a library of his own, but the public ones were somewhat in his way. how many books did she think a man ought really to own--to spend his declining years among. also, and at considerable length he consulted her about the best possible place of residence. "i'm getting to be an old man, mrs. st. cloud," he remarked meditatively; "and i'm thinking of buying and building somewhere. but it's a ticklish job. lo! these many years i've been perfectly contented to live wherever i was at; and now that i'm considering a real home--blamed if i know where to put it! i'm distracted between a model farm, and a metropolitan residence. which would you recommend, ma'am?" the lady's sympathy and interest warmed to mr. skee as they cooled to mr. dykeman, not with any blameworthy or noticeable suddenness, but in soft graduations, steady and continuous. the one wore his new glories with an air of modest pride; making no boast of affluence; and the other accepted that which had befallen him without rebellion. miss orella's tender heart was deeply touched. as fast as mrs. st. cloud gave the cold shoulder to her friend, she extended a warm hand; when they chatted about mr. skee's visible success, she spoke bravely of the beauty of limited means; and when it was time to present her weekly bills to the boarders, she left none in mr. dykeman's room. this he took for an oversight at first; but when he found the omission repeated on the following week, he stood by his window smiling thoughtfully for some time, and then went in search of miss orella. she sat by her shaded lamp, alone, knitting a silk tie which was promptly hidden as he entered. he stood by the door looking at her in spite of her urging him to be seated, observing the warm color in her face, the graceful lines of her figure, the gentle smile that was so unfailingly attractive. then he came forward, calmly inquiring, "why haven't you sent me my board bill?" she lifted her eyes to his, and dropped them, flushing. "i--excuse me; but i thought----" "you thought i couldn't conveniently pay it?" "o please excuse me! i didn't mean to be--to do anything you wouldn't like. but i did hear that you were--temporarily embarrassed. and i want you to feel sure, mr. dykeman, that to your real friends it makes no difference in the _least_. and if--for a while that is--it should be a little more convenient to--to defer payment, please feel perfectly at liberty to wait!" she stood there blushing like a girl, her sweet eyes wet with shining tears that did not fall, full of tender sympathy for his misfortune. "have you heard that i've lost all my money?" he asked. she nodded softly. "and that i can't ever get it back--shall have to do clerk's work at a clerk's salary--as long as i live?" again she nodded. he took a step or two back and forth in the quiet parlor, and returned to her. "would you marry a poor man?" he asked in a low tender voice. "would you marry a man not young, not clever, not rich, but who loved you dearly? you are the sweetest woman i ever saw, orella elder--will you marry me?" she came to him, and he drew her close with a long sigh of utter satisfaction. "now i am rich indeed," he said softly. she held him off a little. "don't talk about being rich. it doesn't matter. if you like to live here--why this house will keep us both. if you'd rather have a little one--i can live _so_ happily--on _so_ little! and there is my own little home in bainville--perhaps you could find something to do there. i don't care the least in the world--so long as you love me!" "i've loved you since i first set eyes on you," he answered her. "to see the home you've made here for all of us was enough to make any man love you. but i thought awhile back that i hadn't any chance--you weren't jealous of that artificial fairy, were you?" and conscientiously miss orella lied. carston society was pleased, but not surprised at susie's engagement; it was both pleased and surprised when miss elder's was announced. some there were who protested that they had seen it from the beginning; but disputatious friends taxed them with having prophesied quite otherwise. some thought miss elder foolish to take up with a man of full middle age, and with no prospects; and others attributed the foolishness to mr. dykeman, in marrying an old maid. others again darkly hinted that he knew which side his bread was buttered--"and first-rate butter, too." adding that they "did hate to see a man sit around and let his wife keep boarders!" in bainville circles the event created high commotion. that one of their accumulated maidens, part of the virgin sacrifice of new england, which finds not even a minotaur--had thus triumphantly escaped from their ranks and achieved a husband; this was flatly heretical. the fact that he was a poor man was the only mitigating circumstance, leaving it open to the more captious to criticize the lady sharply. but the calm contentment of andrew dykeman's face, and the decorous bliss of miss elder's were untroubled by what anyone thought or said. little susie was delighted, and teased for a double wedding; without success. "one was enough to attend to, at one time," her aunt replied. * * * * * in all this atmosphere of wooings and weddings, vivian walked apart, as one in a bad dream that could never end. that day when dr. bellair left her on the hill, left her alone in a strange new horrible world, was still glaring across her consciousness, the end of one life, the bar to any other. its small events were as clear to her as those which stand out so painfully on a day of death; all that led up to the pleasant walk, when an eager girl mounted the breezy height, and a sad-faced woman came down from it. she had waited long and came home slowly, dreading to see a face she knew, dreading worst of all to see morton. the boy she had known so long, the man she was beginning to know, had changed to an unbelievable horror; and the love which had so lately seemed real to her recoiled upon her heart with a sense of hopeless shame. she wished--eagerly, desperately, she wished--she need never see him again. she thought of the man's resource of running away--if she could just _go_, go at once, and write to him from somewhere. distant bainville seemed like a haven of safety; even the decorous, narrow, monotony of its dim life had a new attraction. these terrors were not in bainville, surely. then the sickening thought crept in that perhaps they were--only they did not know it. besides, she had no money to go with. if only she had started that little school sooner! write to her father for money she would not. no, she must bear it here. the world was discolored in the girl's eyes. love had become a horror and marriage impossible. she pushed the idea from her, impotently, as one might push at a lava flow. in her wide reading she had learned in a vague way of "evil"--a distant undescribed evil which was in the world, and which must be avoided. she had known that there was such a thing as "sin," and abhorred the very thought of it. morton's penitential confessions had given no details; she had pictured him only as being "led astray," as being "fast," even perhaps "wicked." wickedness could be forgiven; and she had forgiven him, royally. but wickedness was one thing, disease was another. forgiveness was no cure. the burden of new knowledge so distressed her that she avoided the family entirely that evening, avoided susie, went to her grandmother and asked if she might come and sleep on the lounge in her room. "surely, my child, glad to have you," said mrs. pettigrew affectionately. "better try my bed--there's room a-plenty." the girl lay long with those old arms about her, crying quietly. her grandmother asked no questions, only patted her softly from time to time, and said, "there! there!" in a pleasantly soothing manner. after some time she remarked, "if you want to say things, my dear, say 'em--anything you please." in the still darkness they talked long and intimately; and the wise old head straightened things out somewhat for the younger one. "doctors don't realize how people feel about these matters," said mrs. pettigrew. "they are so used to all kinds of ghastly things they forget that other folks can't stand 'em. she was too hard on you, dearie." but vivian defended the doctor. "oh, no, grandma. she did it beautifully. and it hurt her so. she told me about her own--disappointment." "yes, i remember her as a girl, you see. a fine sweet girl she was too. it was an awful blow--and she took it hard. it has made her bitter, i think, perhaps; that and the number of similar cases she had to cope with." "but, grandma--is it--_can_ it be as bad as she said? seventy-five per cent! three-quarters of--of everybody!" "not everybody dear, thank goodness. our girls are mostly clean, and they save the race, i guess." "i don't even want to _see_ a man again!" said the girl with low intensity. "shouldn't think you would, at first. but, dear child--just brace yourself and look it fair in the face! the world's no worse than it was yesterday--just because you know more about it!" "no," vivian admitted, "but it's like uncovering a charnel house!" she shuddered. "never saw a charnel house myself," said the old lady, "even with the lid on. but now see here child; you mustn't feel as if all men were unspeakable villains. they are just ignorant boys--and nobody ever tells 'em the truth. nobody used to know it, for that matter. all this about gonorrhea is quite newly discovered--it has set the doctors all by the ears. having women doctors has made a difference too--lots of difference." "besides," she went on after a pause, "things are changing very fast now, since the general airing began. dr. prince morrow in new york, with that society of his--(i can never remember the name--makes me think of tooth brushes) has done much; and the popular magazines have taken it up. you must have seen some of those articles, vivian." "i have," the girl said, "but i couldn't bear to read them--ever." "that's it!" responded her grandmother, tartly; "we bring up girls to think it is not proper to know anything about the worst danger before them. proper!--why my dear child, the young girls are precisely the ones _to_ know! it's no use to tell a woman who has buried all her children--or wishes she had!--that it was all owing to her ignorance, and her husband's. you have to know beforehand if it's to do you any good." after awhile she continued: "women are waking up to this all over the country, now. nice women, old and young. the women's clubs and congresses are taking it up, as they should. some states have passed laws requiring a medical certificate--a clean bill of health--to go with a license to marry. you can see that's reasonable! a man has to be examined to enter the army or navy, even to get his life insured; marriage and parentage are more important than those things! and we are beginning to teach children and young people what they ought to know. there's hope for us!" "but grandma--it's so awful--about the children." "yes dear, yes. it's pretty awful. but don't feel as if we were all on the brink of perdition. remember that we've got a whole quarter of the men to bank on. that's a good many, in this country. we're not so bad as europe--not yet--in this line. then just think of this, child. we have lived, and done splendid things all these years, even with this load of disease on us. think what we can do when we're rid of it! and that's in the hands of woman, my dear--as soon as we know enough. don't be afraid of knowledge. when we all know about this we can stop it! think of that. we can religiously rid the world of all these--'undesirable citizens.'" "how, grandma?" "easy enough, my dear. by not marrying them." there was a lasting silence. grandma finally went to sleep, making a little soft whistling sound through her parted lips; but vivian lay awake for long slow hours. * * * * * it was one thing to make up her own mind, though not an easy one, by any means; it was quite another to tell morton. he gave her no good opportunity. he did not say again, "will you marry me?" so that she could say, "no," and be done with it. he did not even say, "when will you marry me?" to which she could answer "never!" he merely took it for granted that she was going to, and continued to monopolize her as far as possible, with all pleasant and comfortable attentions. she forced the situation even more sharply than she wished, by turning from him with a shiver when he met her on the stairs one night and leaned forward as if to kiss her. he stopped short. "what is the matter, vivian--are you ill?" "no--" she could say nothing further, but tried to pass him. "look here--there _is_ something. you've been--different--for several days. have i done anything you don't like?" "oh, morton!" his question was so exactly to the point; and so exquisitely inadequate! he had indeed. "i care too much for you to let anything stand between us now," he went on. "come, there's no one in the upper hall--come and 'tell me the worst.'" "as well now as ever." thought the girl. yet when they sat on the long window seat, and he turned his handsome face toward her, with that newer, better look on it, she could not believe that this awful thing was true. "now then--what is wrong between us?" he said. she answered only, "i will tell you the worst, morton. i cannot marry you--ever." he whitened to the lips, but asked quietly, "why?" "because you have--oh, i _cannot_ tell you!" "i have a right to know, vivian. you have made a man of me. i love you with my whole heart. what have i done--that i have not told you?" then she recalled his contrite confessions; and contrasted what he had told her with what he had not; with the unspeakable fate to which he would have consigned her--and those to come; and a sort of holy rage rose within her. "you never told me of the state of your health, morton." it was done. she looked to see him fall at her feet in utter abashment, but he did nothing of the kind. what he did do astonished her beyond measure. he rose to his feet, with clenched fists. "has that damned doctor been giving me away?" he demanded. "because if he has i'll kill him!" "he has not," said vivian. "not by the faintest hint, ever. and is _that_ all you think of?-"good-bye." she rose to leave him, sick at heart. then he seemed to realize that she was going; that she meant it. "surely, surely!" he cried, "you won't throw me over now! oh, vivian! i told you i had been wild--that i wasn't fit to touch your little slippers! and i wasn't going to ask you to marry me till i felt sure this was all done with. all the rest of my life was yours, darling--is yours. you have made me over--surely you won't leave me now!" "i must," she said. he looked at her despairingly. if he lost her he lost not only a woman, but the hope of a life. things he had never thought about before had now grown dear to him; a home, a family, an honorable place in the world, long years of quiet happiness. "i can't lose you!" he said. "i _can't_!" she did not answer, only sat there with a white set face and her hands tight clenched in her lap. "where'd you get this idea anyhow?" he burst out again. "i believe it's that woman doctor! what does she know!" "look here, morton," said vivian firmly. "it is not a question of who told me. the important thing is that it's--true! and i cannot marry you." "but vivian--" he pleaded, trying to restrain the intensity of his feeling; "men get over these things. they do, really. it's not so awful as you seem to think. it's very common. and i'm nearly well. i was going to wait a year or two yet--to make sure--. vivian! i'd cut my hand off before i'd hurt you!" there was real agony in his voice, and her heart smote her; but there was something besides her heart ruling the girl now. "i am sorry--i'm very sorry," she said dully. "but i will not marry you." "you'll throw me over--just for that! oh, vivian don't--you can't. i'm no worse than other men. it seems so terrible to you just because you're so pure and white. it's only what they call--wild oats, you know. most men do it." she shook her head. "and will you punish me--so cruelly--for that? i can't live without you, vivian--i won't!" "it is not a question of punishing you, morton," she said gently. "nor myself. it is not the sin i am considering. it is the consequences!" he felt a something high and implacable in the gentle girl; something he had never found in her before. he looked at her with despairing eyes. her white grace, her stately little ways, her delicate beauty, had never seemed so desirable. "good god, vivian. you can't mean it. give me time. wait for me. i'll be straight all the rest of my life--i mean it. i'll be true to you, absolutely. i'll do anything you say--only don't give me up!" she felt old, hundreds of years old, and as remote as far mountains. "it isn't anything you can do--in the rest of your life, my poor boy! it is what you have done--in the first of it!... oh, morton! it isn't right to let us grow up without knowing! you never would have done it _if_ you'd known--would you? can't you--can't we--do something to--stop this awfulness?" her tender heart suffered in the pain she was inflicting, suffered too in her own loss; for as she faced the thought of final separation she found that her grief ran back into the far-off years of childhood. but she had made up her mind with a finality only the more absolute because it hurt her. even what he said of possible recovery did not move her--the very thought of marriage had become impossible. "i shall never marry," she added, with a shiver; thinking that he might derive some comfort from the thought; but he replied with a bitter derisive little laugh. he did not rise to her appeal to "help the others." so far in life the happiness of morton elder had been his one engrossing care; and now the unhappiness of morton elder assumed even larger proportions. that bright and hallowed future to which he had been looking forward so earnestly had been suddenly withdrawn from him; his good resolutions, his "living straight" for the present, were wasted. "you women that are so superior," he said, "that'll turn a man down for things that are over and done with--that he's sorry for and ashamed of--do you know what you drive a man to! what do you think's going to become of me if you throw me over!" he reached out his hands to her in real agony. "vivian! i love you! i can't live without you! i can't be good without you! and you love me a little--don't you?" she did. she could not deny it. she loved to shut her eyes to the future, to forgive the past, to come to those outstretched arms and bury everything beneath that one overwhelming phrase--"i love you!" but she heard again dr. bellair's clear low accusing voice--"will you tell that to your crippled children?" she rose to her feet. "i cannot help it, morton. i am sorry--you will not believe how sorry i am! but i will never marry you." a look of swift despair swept over his face. it seemed to darken visibly as she watched. an expression of bitter hatred came upon him; of utter recklessness. all that the last few months had seemed to bring of higher better feeling fell from him; and even as she pitied him she thought with a flicker of fear of how this might have happened--after marriage. "oh, well!" he said, rising to his feet. "i wish you could have made up your mind sooner, that's all. i'll take myself off now." she reached out her hands to him. "morton! please!--don't go away feeling so hardly! i am--fond of you--i always was.--won't you let me help you--to bear it--! can't we be--friends?" again he laughed that bitter little laugh. "no, miss lane," he said. "we distinctly cannot. this is good-bye--you won't change your mind--again?" she shook her head in silence, and he left her. chapter xi. thereafter. if i do right, though heavens fall, and end all light and laughter; though black the night and ages long, bitter the cold--the tempest strong- if i do right, and brave it all- the sun shall rise thereafter! the inaccessibility of dr. hale gave him, in the eye of mrs. st. cloud, all the attractiveness of an unscaled peak to the true mountain climber. here was a man, an unattached man, living next door to her, whom she had not even seen. her pursuance of what mr. skee announced to his friends to be "one of these platonic friendships," did not falter; neither did her interest in other relations less philosophic. mr. dykeman's precipitate descent from the class of eligibles was more of a disappointment to her than she would admit even to herself; his firm, kind friendliness had given a sense of comfort, of achieved content that her restless spirit missed. but dr. hale, if he had been before inaccessible, had now become so heavily fortified, so empanoplied in armor offensive and defensive, that even mrs. pettigrew found it difficult to obtain speech with him. that his best friend, so long supporting him in cheerful bachelorhood, should have thus late laid down his arms, was bitterly resented. that mr. skee, free lance of years standing, and risen victor from several "stricken fields," should show signs of capitulation, annoyed him further. whether these feelings derived their intensity from another, which he entirely refused to acknowledge, is matter for the psychologist, and dr. hale avoided all psychologic self-examination. with the boys he was always a hero. they admired his quiet strength and the unbroken good nature that was always presented to those about him, whatever his inner feelings. mr. peters burst forth to the others one day, in tones of impassioned admiration. "by george, fellows," he said, "you know how nice doc was last night?" "never saw him when he wasn't," said archie. "don't interrupt mr. peters," drawled percy. "he's on the brink of a scientific discovery. strange how these secrets of nature can lie unrevealed about us so long--and then suddenly burst upon our ken!" mr. peters grinned affably. "that's all right, but i maintain my assertion; whatever the general attraction of our noble host, you'll admit that on the special occasion of yesterday evening, which we celebrated to a late hour by innocent games of cards--he was--as usual--the soul of--of----" "affability?" suggested percy. "precisely!" peters admitted. "if there is a well-chosen word which perfectly describes the manner of dr. richard hale--it is affable! thank you, sir, thank you. well, what i wish to announce, so that you can all of you get down on your knees at once and worship, is that all last evening he--had a toothache--a bad toothache!" "my word!" said archie, and remained silent. "oh, come now," percy protested, "that's against nature. have a toothache and not _mention_ it? not even mention it--without exaggeration! why archimedes couldn't do that! or--sandalphon--or any of them!" "how'd you learn the facts, my son? tell us that." "heard him on the 'phone making an appointment. 'yes;' 'since noon yesterday,' 'yes, pretty severe.' '11:30? you can't make it earlier? all right.' i'm just mentioning it to convince you fellows that you don't appreciate your opportunities. there was some exceptional female once--they said 'to know her was a liberal education.' what would you call it to live with dr. hale?" and they called it every fine thing they could think of; for these boys knew better than anyone else, the effect of that association. his patients knew him as wise, gentle, efficient, bringing a sense of hope and assurance by the mere touch of that strong hand; his professional associates in the town knew him as a good practitioner and friend, and wider medical circles, readers of his articles in the professional press had an even higher opinion of his powers. yet none of these knew richard hale. none saw him sitting late in his office, the pages of his book unturned, his eyes on the red spaces of the fire. no one was with him on those night tramps that left but an hour or two of sleep to the long night, and made that sleep irresistible from self-enforced fatigue. he had left the associations of his youth and deliberately selected this far-off mountain town to build the life he chose; and if he found it unsatisfying no one was the wiser. his successive relays of boys, young fellows fresh from the east, coming from year to year and going from year to year as business called them, could and did give good testimony as to the home side of his character, however. it was not in nature that they should speculate about him. as they fell in love and out again with the facility of so many romeos, they discoursed among themselves as to his misogyny. "he certainly has a grouch on women," they would admit. "that's the one thing you can't talk to him about--shuts up like a clam. of course, he'll let you talk about your own feelings and experiences, but you might as well talk to the side of a hill. i wonder what did happen to him?" they made no inquiry, however. it was reported that a minister's wife, a person of determined character, had had the courage of her inquisitiveness, and asked him once, "why is it that you have never married, dr. hale?" and that he had replied, "it is owing to my dislike of the meddlesomeness of women." he lived his own life, unquestioned, now more markedly withdrawn than ever, coming no more to the cottonwoods. even when morton elder left, suddenly and without warning, to the great grief of his aunt and astonishment of his sister, their medical neighbor still "sulked in his tent"--or at least in his office. morton's departure had but one explanation; it must be that vivian had refused him, and she did not deny it. "but why, vivian, why? he has improved so--it was just getting lovely to see how nice he was getting. and we all thought you were so happy." thus the perplexed susie. and vivian found herself utterly unable to explain to that happy little heart, on the brink of marriage, why she had refused her brother. miss orella was even harder to satisfy. "it's not as if you were a foolish changeable young girl, my dear. and you've known morton all your life--he was no stranger to you. it breaks my heart, vivian. can't you reconsider?" the girl shook her head. "i'm awfully sorry, miss orella. please believe that i did it for the best--and that it was very hard for me, too." "but, vivian! what can be the reason? i don't think you understand what a beautiful influence you have on the boy. he has improved so, since he has been here. and he was going to get a position here in town--he told me so himself--and really settle down. and now he's _gone_. just off and away, as he used to be--and i never shall feel easy about him again." miss orella was frankly crying; and it wrung the girl's heart to know the pain she was causing; not only to morton, and to herself, but to these others. susie criticised her with frankness. "i know you think you are right, vivian, you always do--you and that conscience of yours. but i really think you had gone too far to draw back, jimmie saw him that night he went away--and he said he looked awfully. and he really was changed so--beginning to be so thoroughly nice. whatever was the matter? i think you ought to tell me, vivian, i'm his sister, and--being engaged and all--perhaps i could straighten it out." and she was as nearly angry as her sunny nature allowed, when her friend refused to give any reason, beyond that she thought it right. her aunt did not criticise, but pleaded. "it's not too late, i'm sure, vivian. a word from you would bring him back in a moment. do speak it, vivian--do! put your pride in your pocket, child, and don't lose a lifetime's happiness for some foolish quarrel." miss orella, like susie, was at present sure that marriage must mean a lifetime's happiness. and vivian looked miserably from one to the other of these loving women-folk, and could not defend herself with the truth. mrs. pettigrew took up the cudgels for her. she was not going to have her favorite grandchild thus condemned and keep silence. "anybody'd think vivian had married the man and then run away with another one!" she said tartly. "pity if a girl can't change her mind before marrying--she's held down pretty close afterward. an engagement isn't a wedding, orella elder." "but you don't consider the poor boy's feelings in the least, mrs. pettigrew." "no, i don't," snapped the old lady. "i consider the poor girl's. i'm willing to bet as much as you will that his feelings aren't any worse than hers. if _he'd_ changed his mind and run off and left _her_, i warrant you two wouldn't have been so hard on him." evading this issue, miss orella wiped her eyes, and said: "heaven knows where he is now. and i'm afraid he won't write--he never did write much, and now he's just heartbroken. i don't know as i'd have seen him at all if i hadn't been awake and heard him rushing downstairs. you've no idea how he suffers." "i don't see as the girl's to blame that he hadn't decency enough to say good-bye to the aunt that's been a mother to him; or to write to her, as he ought to. a person don't need to forget _all_ their duty because they've got the mitten." vivian shrank away from them all. her heart ached intolerably. she had not realized how large a part in her life this constant admiration and attention had become. she missed the outward agreeableness, and the soft tide of affection, which had risen more and more warmly about her. from her earliest memories she had wished for affection--affection deep and continuous, tender and with full expression. she had been too reserved to show her feeling, too proud by far to express it, but under that delicate reticence of hers lay always that deep longing to love and to be loved wholly. susie had been a comfort always, in her kittenish affection and caressing ways, but susie was doubly lost, both in her new absorption and now in this estrangement. then, to bring pain to miss orella, who had been so kind and sweet to her from earliest childhood, to hurt her so deeply, now, to mingle in her cup of happiness this grief and anxiety, made the girl suffer keenly. jimmie, of course, was able to comfort susie. he told her it was no killing matter anyhow, and that morton would inevitably console himself elsewhere. "he'll never wear the willow for any girl, my dear. don't you worry about him." also, mr. dykeman comforted miss orella, not only with wise words, but with his tender sympathy and hopefulness. but no one could comfort vivian. even dr. bellair seemed to her present sensitiveness an alien, cruel power. she had come like the angel with the flaming sword to stand between her and what, now that it was gone, began to look like paradise. she quite forgot that she had always shrunk from morton when he made love too warmly, that she had been far from wholly pleased with him when he made his appearance there, that their engagement, so far as they had one, was tentative--"sometime, when i am good enough" not having arrived. the unreasoning voice of the woman's nature within her had answered, though but partially, to the deep call of the man's; and now she missed more than she would admit to herself the tenderness that was gone. she had her intervals of sharp withdrawal from the memory of that tenderness, of deep thanksgiving for her escape; but fear of a danger only prophesied, does not obliterate memory of joys experienced. her grandmother watched her carefully, saying little. she forced no confidence, made no comment, was not obtrusively affectionate, but formed a definite decision and conveyed it clearly to dr. bellair. "look here, jane bellair, you've upset vivian's dish, and quite right; it's a good thing you did, and i don't know as you could have done it easier." "i couldn't have done it harder--that i know of," the doctor answered. "i'd sooner operate on a baby--without an anã¦sthetic--than tell a thing like that--to a girl like that. but it had to be done; and nobody else would." "you did perfectly right. i'm thankful enough, i promise you; if you hadn't i should have had to--and goodness knows what a mess i'd have made. but look here, the girl's going all to pieces. now we've got to do something for her, and do it quick." "i know that well enough," answered her friend, "and i set about it even before i made the incision. you've seen that little building going up on the corner of high and stone streets?" "that pretty little thing with the grass and flowers round it?" "yes--they got the flowers growing while the decorators finished inside. it's a first-rate little kindergarten. i've got a list of scholars all arranged for, and am going to pop the girl into it so fast she can't refuse. not that i think she will." "who did it?" demanded mrs. pettigrew. "that man skee?" "mr. skee has had something to do with it," replied the doctor, guardedly; "but he doesn't want his name mentioned." "huh!" said mrs. pettigrew. vivian made no objection, though she was too listless to take up work with enthusiasm. as a prescription nothing could have worked better. enough small pupils were collected to pay the rent of the pretty place, and leave a modest income for her. dr. bellair gathered together the mothers and aunts for a series of afternoon talks in the convenient building, vivian assisting, and roused much interest among them. the loving touch of little hands, the pleasure of seeing the gay contentment of her well-ordered charges, began to lighten the girl's heart at last. they grew so fond of her that the mothers were jealous, but she played with and taught them so wisely, and the youngsters were so much improved by it, that no parent withdrew her darling. further than that, the new interest, the necessary reading and study, above all the study hours of occupation acted most beneficently, slowly, but surely steadying the nerves and comforting the heart. there is a telling oriental phrase describing sorrow: "and the whole world became strait unto him." the sense of final closing down of life, of a dull, long, narrow path between her and the grave, which had so oppressed the girl's spirit, now changed rapidly. here was room to love at least, and she radiated a happy and unselfish affection among the little ones. here was love in return, very sweet and honest, if shallow. here was work; something to do, something to think about; both in her hours with the children and those spent in study. her work took her out of the house, too; away from susie and her aunt, with their happy chatter and endless white needlework, and the gleeful examination of presents. never before had she known the blessed relief of another place to go to. when she left the cottonwoods, as early as possible, and placed her key in the door of the little gray house sitting among the roses, she felt a distinct lightening of the heart. this was hers. not her father's, not miss elder's; not anybody's but hers--as long as she could earn the rent. she paid her board, too, in spite of deep and pained remonstrance, forcing miss elder to accept it by the ultimatum "would you rather make me go away and board somewhere else?" she could not accept favors where she was condemned. this, too, gave her a feeling hitherto inexperienced, deep and inspiring. she began to hold her graceful head insensibly higher, to walk with a freer step. life was not ended after all, though love had gone. she might not be happy, but she might be useful and independent. then dr. bellair, who had by quiet friendliness and wise waiting, regained much of her former place with the girl, asked her to undertake, as a special favor to her, the care of a class of rather delicate children and young girls, in physical culture. "of course, johanna johnson is perfectly reliable and an excellent teacher. i don't know a better; but their mothers will feel easier if there's someone they know on the spot. you keep order and see that they don't overdo. you'll have to go through their little exercises with them, you see. i can't pay you anything for it; but it's only part of two afternoons in the week--and it won't hurt you at any rate." vivian was more than glad to do something for the doctor, as well as to extend her friendship among older children; also glad of anything to further fill her time. to be alone and idle was to think and suffer. mrs. pettigrew came in with dr. bellair one afternoon to watch the exercises. "i don't see but what vivian does the tricks as well as any of them," said her grandmother. "she does beautifully," the doctor answered. "and her influence with the children is just what they needed. you see there's no romping and foolishness, and she sets the pace--starts them off when they're shy. i'm extremely obliged to her." mrs. pettigrew watched vivian's rhythmic movements, her erect carriage and swinging step, her warm color and sparkling eyes, as she led the line of happy youngsters and then turned upon the doctor. "huh!" she said. at susie's wedding, her childhood's friend was so far forgiven as to be chief bridesmaid, but seeing the happiness before her opened again the gates of her own pain. when it was all over, and the glad young things were safely despatched upon their ribboned way, when all the guests had gone, when mrs. st. cloud felt the need of air and with the ever-gallant mr. skee set forth in search of it, when dr. bellair had returned to her patients, and miss orella to her own parlor, and was there consoled by mr. dykeman for the loss of her niece, then vivian went to her room--all hers now, looking strangely large and empty--and set down among the drifts of white tissue paper and scattered pins--alone. she sank down on the bed, weary and sad at heart, for an hour of full surrender long refused; meaning for once to let her grief have its full way with her. but, just as on the night of her hurried engagement she had been unable to taste to the full the happiness expected, so now, surrender as she might, she could not feel the intensity of expected pain. she was lonely, unquestionably. she faced a lonely life. six long, heavy months had passed since she had made her decision. "i am nearly twenty-seven now," she thought, resignedly. "i shall never marry," and she felt a little shiver of the horror of last year. but, having got this far in melancholy contemplation, her mind refused to dwell upon it, but filled in spite of her with visions of merry little ones, prancing in wavering circles, and singing their more wavering songs. she was lonely and a single woman--but she had something to do; and far more power to do it, more interest, enthusiasm, and skill, than at the season's beginning. she thought of morton--of what little they had heard since his hurried departure. he had gone farther west; they had heard of him in san francisco, they had heard of him, after some months, in the klondike region, then they had heard no more. he did not write. it seemed hard to so deeply hurt his aunt for what was no fault of hers; but morton had never considered her feelings very deeply, his bitter anger, his hopelessness, his desperate disappointment, blinding him to any pain but his own. but her thoughts of him failed to rouse any keen distinctive sorrow. they rambled backward and forward, from the boy who had been such a trouble to his aunt, such a continuous disappointment and mortification; to the man whose wooing, looked back upon at this distance, seemed far less attractive to the memory than it had been at the time. even his honest attempt at improvement gave her but a feeling of pity, and though pity is akin to love it is not always a near relation. from her unresisting descent into wells of pain, which proved unexpectedly shallow, the girl arose presently and quietly set to work arranging the room in its new capacity as hers only. from black and bitter agony to the gray tastelessness of her present life was not an exciting change, but vivian had more power in quiet endurance than in immediate resistance, and set herself now in earnest to fulfill the tasks before her. this was march. she was planning an extension of her classes, the employment of an assistant. her work was appreciated, her school increased. patiently and steadily she faced her task, and found a growing comfort in it. when summer came, dr. bellair again begged her to help out in the plan of a girls' camp she was developing. this was new work for vivian, but her season in mrs. johnson's gymnastic class had given her a fresh interest in her own body and the use of it. that stalwart instructress, a large-boned, calm-eyed swedish woman, was to be the manager of the camp, and vivian this time, with a small salary attached, was to act as assistant. "it's a wonderful thing the way people take to these camps," said dr. bellair. "they are springing up everywhere. magnificent for children and young people." "it is a wonderful thing to me," observed mrs. pettigrew. "you go to a wild place that costs no rent; you run a summer hotel without any accommodations; you get a lot of parents to pay handsomely for letting their children be uncomfortable--and there you are." "they are not uncomfortable!" protested her friend, a little ruffled. "they like it. and besides liking it, it's good for them. it's precisely the roughing it that does them good." it did do them good; the group of young women and girls who went to the high-lying mountain lake where dr. bellair had bought a piece of wild, rough country for her own future use, and none of them profited by it more than vivian. she had been, from time to time, to decorous "shore places," where one could do nothing but swim and lie on the sand; or to the "mountains," those trim, green, modest, pretty-picture mountains, of which new england is so proud; but she had never before been in an untouched wilderness. often in the earliest dawn she would rise from the springy, odorous bed of balsam boughs and slip out alone for her morning swim. a run through the pines to a little rocky cape, with a small cave she knew, and to glide, naked, into that glass-smooth water, warmer than the sunless air, and swim out softly, silently, making hardly a ripple, turn on her back and lie there--alone with the sky--this brought peace to her heart. she felt so free from every tie to earth, so like a soul in space, floating there with the clean, dark water beneath her, and the clear, bright heaven above her; and when the pale glow in the east brightened to saffron, warmed to rose, burst into a level blaze of gold, the lake laughed in the light, and vivian laughed, too, in pure joy of being alive and out in all that glittering beauty. she tramped the hills with the girls; picked heaping pails of wild berries, learned to cook in primitive fashion, slept as she had never slept in her life, from dark to dawn, grew brown and hungry and cheerful. after all, twenty-seven was not an old age. she came back at the summer-end, and dr. bellair clapped her warmly on the shoulder, declaring, "i'm proud of you, vivian! simply proud of you!" her grandmother, after a judicious embrace, held her at arm's length and examined her critically. "i don't see but what you've stood it first rate," she admitted. "and if you _like_ that color--why, you certainly are looking well." she was well, and began her second year of teaching with a serene spirit. in all this time of slow rebuilding vivian would not have been left comfortless if masculine admiration could have pleased her. the young men at the cottonwoods, now undistracted by susie's gay presence, concentrated much devotion upon vivian, as did also the youths across the way. she turned from them all, gently, but with absolute decision. among her most faithful devotees was young percy watson, who loved her almost as much as he loved dr. hale, and could never understand, in his guileless, boyish heart, why neither of them would talk about the other. they did not forbid his talking, however, and the earnest youth, sitting in the quiet parlor at the cottonwoods, would free his heart to vivian about how the doctor worked too hard--sat up all hours to study--didn't give himself any rest--nor any fun. "he'll break down some time--i tell him so. it's not natural for any man to work that way, and i don't see any real need of it. he says he's working on a book--some big medical book, i suppose; but what's the hurry? i wish you'd have him over here oftener, and make him amuse himself a little, miss vivian." "dr. hale is quite welcome to come at any time--he knows that," said she. again the candid percy, sitting on the doctor's shadowy piazza, poured out his devoted admiration for her to his silent host. "she's the finest woman i ever knew!" the boy would say. "she's so beautiful and so clever, and so pleasant to everybody. she's _square_--like a man. and she's kind--like a woman, only kinder; a sort of motherliness about her. i don't see how she ever lived so long without being married. i'd marry her in a minute if i was good enough--and if she'd have me." dr. hale tousled the ears of balzac, the big, brown dog whose head was so often on his knee, and said nothing. he had not seen the girl since that night by the arbor. later in the season he learned, perforce, to know her better, and to admire her more. susie's baby came with the new year, and brought danger and anxiety. they hardly hoped to save the life of the child. the little mother was long unable to leave her bed. since her aunt was not there, but gone, as mrs. dykeman, on an extended tour--"part business and part honeymoon," her husband told her--and since mrs. pettigrew now ruled alone at the cottonwoods, with every evidence of ability and enjoyment, vivian promptly installed herself in the saunders home, as general housekeeper and nurse. she was glad then of her strength, and used it royally, comforting the wretched jim, keeping up susie's spirits, and mothering the frail tiny baby with exquisite devotion. day after day the doctor saw her, sweet and strong and patient, leaving her school to the assistant, regardless of losses, showing the virtues he admired most in women. he made his calls as short as possible; but even so, vivian could not but note how his sternness gave way to brusque good cheer for the sick mother, and to a lovely gentleness with the child. when that siege was over and the girl returned to her own work, she carried pleasant pictures in her mind, and began to wonder, as had so many others, why this man, who seemed so fitted to enjoy a family, had none. she missed his daily call, and wondered further why he avoided them more assiduously than at first. chapter xii. achievements. there are some folk born to beauty, and some to plenteous gold, some who are proud of being young, some proud of being old. some who are glad of happy love, enduring, deep and true, and some who thoroughly enjoy the little things they do. upon all this grandma pettigrew cast an observant eye, and meditated sagely thereupon. coming to a decision, she first took a course of reading in some of dr. bellair's big books, and then developed a series of perplexing symptoms, not of a too poignant or perilous nature, that took her to dr. hale's office frequently. "you haven't repudiated dr. bellair, have you?" he asked her. "i have never consulted jane bellair as a physician," she replied, "though i esteem her much as a friend." the old lady's company was always welcome to him; he liked her penetrating eye, her close-lipped, sharp remarks, and appreciated the real kindness of her heart. if he had known how closely she was peering into the locked recesses of his own, and how much she saw there, he would perhaps have avoided her as he did vivian, and if he had known further that this ingenious old lady, pursuing long genealogical discussions with him, had finally unearthed a mutual old-time friend, and had forthwith started a correspondence with that friend, based on this common acquaintance in carston, he might have left that city. the old-time friend, baited by mrs. pettigrew's innocent comment on dr. hale's persistence in single blessedness, poured forth what she knew of the cause with no more embellishment than time is sure to give. "i know why he won't marry," wrote she. "he had reason good to begin with, but i never dreamed he'd be obstinate enough to keep it up sixteen years. when he was a boy in college here i knew him well--he was a splendid fellow, one of the very finest. but he fell desperately in love with that beautiful mrs. james--don't you remember about her? she married a st. cloud later, and he left her, i think. she was as lovely as a cameo--and as hard and flat. that woman was the saintliest thing that ever breathed. she wouldn't live with her husband because he had done something wrong; she wouldn't get a divorce, nor let him, because that was wicked--and she always had a string of boys round her, and talked about the moral influence she had on them. "young hale worshipped her--simply worshipped her--and she let him. she let them all. she had that much that was god-like about her--she loved incense. you need not ask for particulars. she was far too 'particular' for that. but one light-headed chap went and drowned himself--that was all hushed up, of course, but some of us felt pretty sure why. he was a half-brother to dick hale, and dick was awfully fond of him. then he turned hard and hateful all at once--used to talk horrid about women. he kept straight enough--that's easy for a mysogynist, and studying medicine didn't help him any--doctors and ministers know too much about women. so there you are. but i'm astonished to hear he's never gotten over it; he always was obstinate--it's his only fault. they say he swore never to marry--if he did, that accounts. do give my regards if you see him again." mrs. pettigrew considered long and deeply over this information, as she slowly produced a jersey striped with roman vividness. it was noticeable in this new life in carston that mrs. pettigrew's knitted jackets had grown steadily brighter in hue from month to month. whereas, in bainville, purple and brown were the high lights, and black, slate and navy blue the main colors; now her worsteds were as a painter's palette, and the result not only cheered, but bade fair to inebriate. "a pig-headed man," she said to herself, as her needle prodded steadily in and out; "a pig-headed man, with a pig-headedness of sixteen years' standing. his hair must 'a turned gray from the strain of it. and there's vivian, biddin' fair to be an old maid after all. what on _earth_!" she appeared to have forgotten that marriages are made in heaven, or to disregard that saying. "the lord helps those that help themselves," was one of her favorite mottoes. "and much more those that help other people!" she used to add. flitting in and out of dr. hale's at all hours, she noted that he had a fondness for music, with a phenomenal incapacity to produce any. he encouraged his boys to play on any and every instrument the town afforded, and to sing, whether they could or not; and seemed never to weary of their attempts, though far from satisfied with the product. "huh!" said mrs. pettigrew. vivian could play, "well enough to know better," she said, and seldom touched the piano. she had a deep, full, contralto voice, and a fair degree of training. but she would never make music unless she felt like it--and in this busy life, with so many people about her, she had always refused. grandma meditated. she selected an evening when most of the boarders were out at some entertainment, and selfishly begged vivian to stay at home with her--said she was feeling badly and wanted company. grandma so seldom wanted anything that vivian readily acquiesced; in fact, she was quite worried about her, and asked dr. bellair if she thought anything was the matter. "she has seemed more quiet lately," said that astute lady, "and i've noticed her going in to dr. hale's during office hours. but perhaps it's only to visit with him." "are you in any pain, grandma?" asked the girl, affectionately. "you're not sick, are you?" "o, no--i'm not sick," said the old lady, stoutly. "i'm just--well, i felt sort of lonesome to-night--perhaps i'm homesick." as she had never shown the faintest sign of any feeling for their deserted home, except caustic criticism and unfavorable comparison, vivian rather questioned this theory, but she began to think there was something in it when her grandmother, sitting by the window in the spring twilight, began to talk of how this time of year always made her think of her girlhood. "time for the march peepers at home. it's early here, and no peepers anywhere that i've heard. 'bout this time we'd be going to evening meeting. seems as if i could hear that little old organ--and the singing!" "hadn't i better shut that window," asked vivian. "won't you get cold?" "no, indeed," said her grandmother, promptly. "i'm plenty warm--i've got this little shawl around me. and it's so soft and pleasant out." it was soft and pleasant, a delicious may-like night in march, full of spring scents and hints of coming flowers. on the dark piazza across the way she could make out a still figure sitting alone, and the thump of balzac's heel as he struggled with his intimate enemies told her who it was. "come ye disconsolate," she began to hum, most erroneously. "how does that go, vivian? i was always fond of it, even if i can't sing any more'n a peacock." vivian hummed it and gave the words in a low voice. "that's good!" said the old lady. "i declare, i'm kinder hungry for some of those old hymns. i wish you'd play me some of 'em, vivian." so vivian, glad to please her, woke the yellow keys to softer music than they were accustomed to, and presently her rich, low voice, sure, easy, full of quiet feeling, flowed out on the soft night air. grandma was not long content with the hymns. "i want some of those old-fashioned songs--you used to know a lot of 'em. can't you do that 'kerry dance' of molloy's, and 'twickenham ferry'--and 'lauriger horatius?'" vivian gave her those, and many another, scotch ballads, english songs and german lieder--glad to please her grandmother so easily, and quite unconscious of a dark figure which had crossed the street and come silently to sit on the farthest corner of their piazza. grandma, meanwhile, watched him, and vivian as well, and then, with the most unsuspected suddenness, took to her bed. sciatica, she said. an intermittent pain that came upon her so suddenly she couldn't stand up. she felt much better lying down. and dr. hale must attend her unceasingly. this unlooked for overthrow of the phenomenally active old lady was a great blow to mr. skee; he showed real concern and begged to be allowed to see her. "why not?" said mrs. pettigrew. "it's nothing catching." she lay, high-pillowed, as stiff and well arranged as a knight templar on a tombstone, arrayed for the occasion in a most decorative little dressing sack and ribbony night-cap. "why, ma'am," said mr. skee, "it's highly becomin' to you to be sick. it leads me to hope it's nothin' serious." she regarded him enigmatically. "is dr. hale out there, or vivian?" she inquired in a low voice. "no, ma'am--they ain't," he replied, after a glance in the next room. then he bent a penetrating eye upon her. she met it unflinchingly, but as his smile appeared and grew, its limitless widening spread contagion, and her calm front was broken. "elmer skee," said she, with sudden fury, "you hold your tongue!" "ma'am!" he replied, "i have said nothin'--and i don't intend to. but if the throne of europe was occupied by you, mrs. pettigrew, we would have a better managed world." he proved a most agreeable and steady visitor during this period of confinement, and gave her full accounts of all that went on outside, with occasional irrelevant bursts of merriment which no rebuke from mrs. pettigrew seemed wholly to check. he regaled her with accounts of his continuous consultations with mrs. st. cloud, and the wisdom and good taste with which she invariably advised him. "don't you admire a platonic friendship, mrs. pettigrew?" "i do not!" said the old lady, sharply. "and what's more i don't believe you do." "well, ma'am," he answered, swaying backward and forward on the hind legs of his chair, "there are moments when i confess it looks improbable." mrs. pettigrew cocked her head on one side and turned a gimlet eye upon him. "look here, elmer skee," she said suddenly, "how much money have you really got?" he brought down his chair on four legs and regarded her for a few moments, his smile widening slowly. "well, ma'am, if i live through the necessary expenses involved on my present undertaking, i shall have about two thousand a year--if rents are steady." "which i judge you do not wish to be known?" "if there's one thing more than another i have always admired in you, ma'am, it is the excellence of your judgment. in it i have absolute confidence." mrs. st. cloud had some time since summoned dr. hale to her side for a severe headache, but he had merely sent word that his time was fully occupied, and recommended dr. bellair. now, observing mrs. pettigrew's tactics, the fair invalid resolved to take the bull by the horns and go herself to his office. she found him easily enough. he lifted his eyes as she entered, rose and stood with folded arms regarding her silently. the tall, heavy figure, the full beard, the glasses, confused even her excellent memory. after all it was many years since they had met, and he had been but one of a multitude. she was all sweetness and gentle apology for forcing herself upon him, but really she had a little prejudice against women doctors--his reputation was so great--he was so temptingly near--she was in such pain--she had such perfect confidence in him-he sat down quietly and listened, watching her from under his bent brows. her eyes were dropped, her voice very weak and appealing; her words most perfectly chosen. "i have told you," he said at length, "that i never treat women for their petty ailments, if i can avoid it." she shook her head in grieved acceptance, and lifted large eyes for one of those penetrating sympathetic glances so frequently successful. "how you must have suffered!" she said. "i have," he replied grimly. "i have suffered a long time from having my eyes opened too suddenly to the brainless cruelty of women, mrs. james." she looked at him again, searchingly, and gave a little cry. "dick hale!" she said. "yes, dick hale. brother to poor little joe medway, whose foolish young heart you broke, among others; whose death you are responsible for." she was looking at him with widening wet eyes. "ah! if you only knew how i, too, have suffered over that!" she said. "i was scarce more than a girl myself, then. i was careless, not heartless. no one knew what pain i was bearing, then. i liked the admiration of those nice boys--i never realized any of them would take it seriously. that has been a heavy shadow on my life, dr. hale--the fear that i was the thoughtless cause of that terrible thing. and you have never forgiven me. i do not wonder." he was looking at her in grim silence again, wishing he had not spoken. "so that is why you have never been to the cottonwoods since i came," she pursued. "and i am responsible for all your loneliness. o, how dreadful!" again he rose to his feet. "no, madam, you mistake. you were responsible for my brother's death, and for a bitter awakening on my part, but you are in no way responsible for my attitude since. that is wholly due to myself. allow me again to recommend dr. jane bellair, an excellent physician and even more accessible." he held the door for her, and she went out, not wholly dissatisfied with her visit. she would have been far more displeased could she have followed his thoughts afterward. "what a consummate ass i have been all my life!" he was meditating. "because i met this particular type of sex parasite, to deliberately go sour--and forego all chance of happiness. like a silly girl. a fool girl who says, 'i will never marry!' just because of some quarrel * * * but the girl never keeps her word. a man must." the days were long to vivian now, and dragged a little, for all her industry. mrs. st. cloud tried to revive their former intimacy, but the girl could not renew it on the same basis. she, too, had sympathized with mr. dykeman, and now sympathized somewhat with mr. skee. but since that worthy man still volubly discoursed on platonism, and his fair friend openly agreed in this view, there seemed no real ground for distress. mrs. pettigrew remained ailing and rather captious. she had a telephone put at her bedside, and ran her household affairs efficiently, with vivian as lieutenant, and the ever-faithful jeanne to uphold the honor of the cuisine. also she could consult her physician, and demanded his presence at all hours. he openly ignored mrs. st. cloud now, who met his rude treatment with secret, uncomplaining patience. vivian spoke of this. "i do not see why he need be so rude, grandma. he may hate women, but i don't see why he should treat her so shamefully." "well, i do," replied the invalid, "and what's more i'm going to show you; i've always disliked that woman, and now i know why. i'd turn her out of the house if it wasn't for elmer skee. that man's as good as gold under all his foolishness, and if he can get any satisfaction out of that meringue he's welcome. dr. hale doesn't hate women, child, but a woman broke his heart once--and then he made an idiot of himself by vowing never to marry." she showed her friend's letter, and vivian read it with rising color. "o, grandma! why that's worse than i ever thought--even after what dr. bellair told us. and it was his brother! no wonder he's so fond of boys. he tries to warn them, i suppose." "yes, and the worst of it is that he's really got over his grouch; and he's in love--but tied down by that foolish oath, poor man." "is he, grandma? how do you know? with whom?" "you dear, blind child!" said the old lady, "with you, of course. has been ever since we came." the girl sat silent, a strange feeling of joy rising in her heart, as she reviewed the events of the last two years. so that was why he would not stay that night. and that was why. "no wonder he wouldn't come here!" she said at length. "it's on account of that woman. but why did he change?" "because she went over there to see him. he wouldn't come to her. i heard her 'phone to him one evening." the old lady chuckled. "so she marched herself over there--i saw her, and i guess she got her needin's. she didn't stay long. and his light burned till morning." "do you think he cares for her, still?" "cares for her!" the old lady fairly snorted her derision. "he can't bear the sight of her--treats her as if she wasn't there. no, indeed. if he did she'd have him fast enough, now. well! i suppose he'll repent of that foolishness of his all the days of his life--and stick it out! poor man." mrs. pettigrew sighed, and vivian echoed the sigh. she began to observe dr. hale with new eyes; to study little matters of tone and manner--and could not deny her grandmother's statement. nor would she admit it--yet. the old lady seemed weaker and more irritable, but positively forbade any word of this being sent to her family. "there's nothing on earth ails me," she said. "dr. hale says there's not a thing the matter that he can see--that if i'd only eat more i'd get stronger. i'll be all right soon, my dear. i'll get my appetite and get well, i have faith to believe." she insisted on his coming over in the evening, when not too busy, and staying till she dropped asleep, and he seemed strangely willing to humor her; sitting for hours in the quiet parlor, while vivian played softly, and sang her low-toned hymns. so sitting, one still evening, when for some time no fretful "not so loud" had come from the next room, he turned suddenly to vivian and asked, almost roughly--"do you hold a promise binding?--an oath, a vow--to oneself?" she met his eyes, saw the deep pain there, the long combat, the irrepressible hope and longing. "did you swear to keep your oath secret?" she asked. "why, no," he said, "i did not. i will tell you. i did not swear never to tell a woman i loved her. i never dreamed i should love again. vivian, i was fool enough to love a shallow, cruel woman, once, and nearly broke my heart in consequence. that was long years ago. i have never cared for a woman since--till i met you. and now i must pay double for that boy folly." he came to her and took her hand. "i love you," he said, his tense grip hurting her. "i shall love you as long as i live--day and night--forever! you shall know that at any rate!" she could not raise her eyes. a rich bright color rose to the soft border of her hair. he caught her face in his hands and made her look at him; saw those dark, brilliant eyes softened, tear-filled, asking, and turned sharply away with a muffled cry. "i have taken a solemn oath," he said in a strained, hard voice, "never to ask a woman to marry me." he heard a little gasping laugh, and turned upon her. she stood there smiling, her hands reached out to him. "you don't have to," she said. * * * * * a long time later, upon their happy stillness broke a faint voice from the other room: "vivian, i think if you'd bring me some bread and butter--and a cup of tea--and some cold beef and a piece of pie--i could eat it." * * * * * upon the rapid and complete recovery of her grandmother's health, and the announcement of vivian's engagement, mr. and mrs. lane decided to make a visit to their distant mother and daughter, hoping as well that mr. lane's cough might be better for a visit in that altitude. mr. and mrs. dykeman also sent word of their immediate return. jeanne, using subtle powers of suggestion, caused mrs. pettigrew to decide upon giving a dinner, in honor of these events. there was the betrothed couple, there were the honored guests; there were jimmie and susie, with or without the baby; there were the dykemans; there was dr. bellair, of course; there was mr. skee, an even number. "i'm sorry to spoil that table, but i've got to take in mrs. st. cloud," said the old lady. "o, grandma! why! it'll spoil it for dick." "huh!" said her grandmother. "he's so happy you couldn't spoil it with a mummy. if i don't ask her it'll spoil it for mr. skee." so mrs. st. cloud made an eleventh at the feast, and neither mr. dykeman nor vivian could find it in their happy hearts to care. mr. skee arose, looking unusually tall and shapely in immaculate every-day dress, his well-brushed hair curling vigorously around the little bald spots; his smile wide and benevolent. "ladies and gentlemen, both domestic and foreign, friends and fellowtownsmen and women--ladies, god bless 'em; also children, if any: i feel friendly enough to-night to include the beasts of the fields--but such would be inappropriate at this convivial board--among these convivial boarders. "this is an occasion of great rejoicing. we have many things to rejoice over, both great _and_ small. we have our healths; all of us, apparently. we are experiencing the joys of reunion--in the matter of visiting parents that is, and long absent daughters. "we have also the return of the native, in the shape of my old friend andy--now become a benedict--and seeming to enjoy it. about this same andy i have a piece of news to give you which will cause you astonishment and gratification, but which involves me in a profuse apology--a most sincere and general apology. "you know how a year or more ago it was put about in this town that andrew dykeman was a ruined man?" mrs. st. cloud darted a swift glance at mr. dykeman, but his eyes rested calmly on his wife; then at mr. skee--but he was pursuing his remorseful way. "i do not wish to blame my friend andy for his reticence--but he certainly did exhibit reticence on this occasion--to beat the band! he never contradicted this rumor--not once. _he_ just went about looking kind o' down in the mouth for some reason or other, and when for the sake o' auld lang syne i offered him a job in my office--the cuss took it! i won't call this deceitful, but it sure was reticent to a degree. "well, ladies--and gentlemen--the best of us are liable to mistakes, and i have to admit--i am glad to humble myself and make this public admission--i was entirely in error in this matter. "it wasn't so. there was nothing in it. it was rumor, pure and simple. andy dykeman never lost no mine, it appears; or else he had another up his sleeve concealed from his best friends. anyhow, the facts are these; not only that a. dykeman as he sits before you is a prosperous and wealthy citizen, but that he has been, for these ten years back, and we were all misled by a mixture of rumor and reticence. if he has concealed these facts from the wife of his bosom i submit that that is carrying reticence too far!" again mrs. st. cloud sent a swift glance at the reticent one, and again caught only his tender apologetic look toward his wife, and her utter amazement. mr. dykeman rose to his feet. "i make no apologies for interrupting my friend," he said. "it is necessary at times. he at least can never be accused of reticence. neither do i make apologies for letting rumor take its course--a course often interesting to observe. but i do apologize--in this heartfelt and public manner, to my wife, for marrying her under false pretenses. but any of you gentlemen who have ever had any experience in the attitude of," he hesitated mercifully, and said, "the world, toward a man with money, may understand what it meant to me, after many years of bachelorhood, to find a heart that not only loved me for myself alone, but absolutely loved me better because i'd lost my money--or she thought i had. i have hated to break the charm. but now my unreticent friend here has stated the facts, and i make my confession. will you forgive me, orella?" "speech! speech!" cried mr. skee. but mrs. dykeman could not be persuaded to do anything but blush and smile and squeeze her husband's hand under the table, and mr. skee arose once more. "this revelation being accomplished," he continued cheerfully; "and no one any the worse for it, as i see," he was not looking in the direction of mrs. st. cloud, whose slippered foot beat softly under the table, though her face wore its usual sweet expression, possibly a trifle strained; "i now proceed to a proclamation of that happy event to celebrate which we are here gathered together. i allude to the betrothal of our esteemed friend, dr. richard hale, and the fairest of the fair! regarding the fair, we think he has chosen well. but regarding dick hale, his good fortune is so clear, so evidently undeserved, and his pride and enjoyment thereof so ostentatious, as to leave us some leeway to make remarks. "natural remarks, irresistible remarks, as you might say, and not intended to be acrimonious. namely, such as these: it's a long lane that has no turning; there's many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip; the worm will turn; the pitcher that goes too often to the well gets broken at last; better late than never. and so on and so forth. any other gentleman like to make remarks on this topic?" dr. hale rose, towering to his feet. "i think i'd better make them," he said. "no one else could so fully, so heartily, with such perfect knowledge point out how many kinds of a fool i've been for all these years. and yet of them all there are only two that i regret--this last two in which if i had been wiser, perhaps i might have found my happiness sooner. as that cannot be proven, however, i will content myself with the general acknowledgment that bachelors are misguided bats, i myself having long been the worst instance; women, in general, are to be loved and honored; and that i am proud and glad to accept your congratulations because the sweetest and noblest woman in the world has honored me with her love." "i never dreamed you could put so many words together, doc--and really make sense!" said mr. skee, genially, as he rose once more. "you certainly show a proper spirit at last, and all is forgiven. but now, my friends; now if your attention is not exhausted, i have yet another event to confide to you." mr. and mrs. lane wore an aspect of polite interest. susie and jim looked at each other with a sad but resigned expression. so did mrs. dykeman and her husband. vivian's hand was in her lover's and she could not look unhappy, but they, too, deprecated this last announcement, only too well anticipated. only mrs. st. cloud, her fair face bowed in gentle confusion, showed anticipating pleasure. mr. skee waved his hand toward her with a large and graceful gesture. "you must all of you have noticed the amount of platonic friendship which has been going on for some time between my undeserving self and this lovely lady here. among so many lovely ladies perhaps i'd better specify that i refer to the one on my left. "what she has been to me, in my lonely old age, none of you perhaps realize." he wore an expression as of one long exiled, knowing no one who could speak his language. "she has been my guide, counsellor and friend; she has assisted me with advice most wise and judicious; she has not interfered with my habits, but has allowed me to enjoy life in my own way, with the added attraction of her companionship. "now, i dare say, there may have been some of you who have questioned my assertion that this friendship was purely platonic. perhaps even the lady herself, knowing the heart of man, may have doubted if my feeling toward her was really friendship." mr. skee turned his head a little to one side and regarded her with a tender inquiring smile. to this she responded sweetly: "why no, mr. skee, of course, i believed what you said." "there, now," said he, admiringly. "what is so noble as the soul of woman? it is to this noble soul in particular, and to all my friends here in general, that i now confide the crowning glory of a long and checkered career, namely, and to wit, that i am engaged to be married to that peerless lady, mrs. servilla pettigrew, of whose remarkable capacities and achievements i can never sufficiently express my admiration." a silence fell upon the table. mr. skee sat down smiling, evidently in cheerful expectation of congratulations. mrs. pettigrew wore an alert expression, as of a skilled fencer preparing to turn any offered thrusts. mrs. st. cloud seemed to be struggling with some emotion, which shook her usual sweet serenity. the others, too, were visibly affected, and not quick to respond. then did mr. saunders arise with real good nature and ever-ready wit; and pour forth good-humored nonsense with congratulations all around, till a pleasant atmosphere was established, in which mrs. st. cloud could so far recover as to say many proper and pretty things; sadly adding that she regretted her imminent return to the east would end so many pleasant friendships. * * * * * books by charlotte perkins gilman moving the mountain. a utopia at short range. how we might change this country in thirty years, if we changed our minds first. mrs. gilman's latest book, like her earliest verse, is a protest against the parrot cry that "you can't alter human nature." by mail of charlton co., $1.10 what diantha did. a novel. "what she did was to solve the domestic service problem for both mistress and maid in a southern california town." "_the survey._" "a sensible book, it gives a new and deserved comprehension of the importance and complexity of housekeeping." "_the independent._" "mrs. perkins gilman is as full of ideas as ever, and her diantha is a model for all young women." "_the englishwoman._" by mail of charlton co., $1.10 the man-made world. "we defy any thoughtful person to read this book of mrs. gilman, and not be moved to or towards conviction, whether he acknowledges it or not." "_san francisco star._" "mrs. gilman has presented in this work the results of her thought, study, and observation of the much debated question of the relation of man to woman and of woman to man. the subject is developed with much wise argument and wholesome sense of humor." "_the craftsman._" "mrs. gilman has applied her theory with much cleverness, consistency and logical thinking." "_chicago evening post._" by mail of charlton co., $1.10 "in this our world" there is a joyous superabundance of life, of strength, of health, in mrs. gilman's verse, which seems born of the glorious sunshine and rich gardens of california. --_washington times._ the freshness, charm and geniality of her satire temporarily convert us to her most advanced views. --_boston journal._ the poet of women and for women, a new and prophetic voice in the world. montaigne would have rejoiced in her. --_mexican herald._ by mail of charlton co., =$1.25=. "the home" indeed, mrs. gilman has not intended her book so much as a treatise for scholars as a surgical operation on the popular mind. --_the critic, new york._ whatever mrs. gilman writes, people read--approving or protesting, still they read. --_republican, springfield, mass._ full of thought and of new and striking suggestions. tells what the average woman has and ought not keep, what she is and ought not be. --_literature world._ but it is safe to say that no more stimulating arraignment has ever before taken shape and that the argument of the book is noble, and, on the whole, convincing. --_congregationalist, boston._ the name of this author is a guarantee of logical reasoning, sound economical principles and progressive thought. --_the craftsman, syracuse._ by mail of charlton co., =$1.00=. "the home" has been translated into swedish. "women and economics" since john stuart mill's essay there has been no book dealing with the whole position of women to approach it in originality of conception and brilliancy of exposition. --_london chronicle._ the most significant utterance on the subject since mill's "subjection of women." --_the nation._ it is the strongest book on the woman question that has yet been published. --_minneapolis journal._ a remarkable book. a work on economics that has not a dull page,--the work of a woman about women that has not a flippant word. --_boston transcript._ this book unites in a remarkable degree the charm of a brilliantly written essay with the inevitable logic of a proposition of euclid. nothing that we have read for many a long day can approach in clearness of conception, in power of arrangement, and in lucidity of expression the argument developed in the first seven chapters of this remarkable book. --_westminster gazette, london._ will be widely read and discussed as the cleverest, fairest, most forcible presentation of the view of the rapidly increasing group who look with favor on the extension of industrial employment to women. --_political science quarterly._ by mail of charlton co., =$1.50=. "women and economics" has been translated into german, dutch, italian, hungarian, russian and japanese. "concerning children" wanted:--a philanthropist, to give a copy to every english-speaking parent. --_the times, new york._ should be read by every mother in the land. --_the press, new york._ wholesomely disturbing book that deserves to be read for its own sake. --_chicago dial._ by mail of charlton co., =$1.25=. "concerning children" has been translated into german, dutch and yiddish. "the yellow wallpaper" worthy of a place beside some of the weird masterpieces of hawthorne and poe. --_literature._ as a short story it stands among the most powerful produced in america. --_chicago news._ by mail of charlton co., =$0.50=. "human work" charlotte perkins gilman has added a third to her great trilogy of books on economic subjects as they affect our daily life, particularly in the home. mrs. gilman is by far the most brilliant woman writer of our day, and this new volume, which she calls "human work," is a glorification of labor. --_new orleans picayune._ charlotte perkins gilman has been writing a new book, entitled "human work." it is the best thing that mrs. gilman has done, and it is meant to focus all of her previous work, so to speak. --_tribune, chicago._ in her latest volume, "human work," charlotte perkins gilman places herself among the foremost students and elucidators of the problem of social economics. --_san francisco star._ it is impossible to overestimate the value of the insistence on the social aspect of human affairs as mrs. gilman has outlined it. --_public opinion._ by mail of charlton co., =$1.00=. charlton company, 67 wall st., new york the forerunner a monthly magazine, written, edited, owned and published by charlotte perkins gilman 67 wall street, new york city u. s. a. subscription per year domestic $1.00 canadian 1.12 foreign 1.25 bound volumes, each year $1.40 post paid this magazine carries mrs. gilman's best and newest work, her social philosophy, verse, satire, fiction, ethical teaching, humor and opinion. it stands for humanness in women and men; for better methods in child culture; for the new ethics, the better economics--the new world we are to make, are making. the breadth of mrs. gilman's thought and her power of expressing it have made her well-known in america and europe as a leader along lines of human improvement and a champion of woman. the forerunner voices her thought and its messages are not only many, but strong, true and vital. * * * * * transcription notes: text in bold has been marked with equal signs (=text=). text in italics has been marked with underscores (_text_). the original spelling and minor inconsistencies in the spelling and formatting have been retained. minor punctuation . , ; " ' changes have been made without annotation. other changes to the original text are listed as follows: page 2 man-made/man-made: the man-made world page 45 evclaimed/exclaimed: exclaimed his wife page 110 removed repeated word a: were a real page 115 who/why: why his hair's page 134 though/thought: i thought as much page 164 mr./my: my dear miss page 169 removed repeated word and: her own and set it page 174 removed redundant word a: he had not had page 194 though/thought: i thought i heard page 197 litle/little: a little dampened page 240 weedings/weddings: wooings and weddings page 260 irrestible/irresistible: sleep irresistible from page 261 cottonwood/cottonwoods: to the cottonwoods page 285 busband/husband: live with her husband page 317 massages/messages: its messages are not only memoirs of emma courtney mary hays contents preface xvii volume i 1 chapter i 6 chapter ii 8 chapter iii 11 chapter iv 14 chapter v 16 chapter vi 18 chapter vii 20 chapter viii 24 chapter ix 26 chapter x 28 chapter xi 31 chapter xii 33 chapter xiii 37 chapter xiv 41 chapter xv 46 chapter xvi 52 chapter xvii 55 chapter xviii 59 chapter xix 62 chapter xx 65 chapter xxi 68 chapter xxii 71 chapter xxiii 73 chapter xxiv 76 chapter xxv 79 chapter xxvi 84 chapter xxvii 88 chapter xxviii 92 volume ii 95 chapter i 98 chapter ii 102 chapter iii 105 chapter iv 109 chapter v 112 chapter vi 118 chapter vii 121 chapter viii 129 chapter ix 133 chapter x 137 chapter xi 141 chapter xii 144 chapter xiii 151 chapter xiv 154 chapter xv 157 chapter xvi 162 chapter xvii 164 chapter xviii 167 chapter xix 171 chapter xx 173 chapter xxi 176 chapter xxii 181 chapter xxiii 184 chapter xxiv 187 chapter xxv 190 chapter xxvi 192 chapter xxvii 196 preface the most interesting, and the most useful, fictions, are, perhaps, such, as delineating the progress, and tracing the consequences, of one strong, indulged, passion, or prejudice, afford materials, by which the philosopher may calculate the powers of the human mind, and learn the springs which set it in motion--'understanding, and talents,' says helvetius, 'being nothing more, in men, than the produce of their desires, and particular situations.' of the passion of terror mrs radcliffe has made admirable use in her ingenious romances.--in the novel of caleb williams, curiosity in the hero, and the love of reputation in the soul-moving character of falkland, fostered into ruling passions, are drawn with a masterly hand. for the subject of these memoirs, a more universal sentiment is chosen--a sentiment hackneyed in this species of composition, consequently more difficult to treat with any degree of originality;--yet, to accomplish this, has been the aim of the author; with what success, the public will, probably, determine. every writer who advances principles, whether true or false, that have a tendency to set the mind in motion, does good. innumerable mistakes have been made, both moral and philosophical:--while covered with a sacred and mysterious veil, how are they to be detected? from various combinations and multiplied experiments, truth, only, can result. free thinking, and free speaking, are the virtue and the characteristics of a rational being:--there can be no argument which mitigates against them in one instance, but what equally mitigates against them in all; every principle must be doubted, before it will be examined and proved. it has commonly been the business of fiction to pourtray characters, not as they really exist, but, as, we are told, they ought to be--a sort of _ideal perfection_, in which nature and passion are melted away, and jarring attributes wonderfully combined. in delineating the character of emma courtney, i had not in view these fantastic models: i meant to represent her, as a human being, loving virtue while enslaved by passion, liable to the mistakes and weaknesses of our fragile nature.--let those readers, who feel inclined to judge with severity the extravagance and eccentricity of her conduct, look into their own hearts; and should they there find no record, traced by an accusing spirit, to soften the asperity of their censures--yet, let them bear in mind, that the errors of my heroine were the offspring of sensibility; and that the result of her hazardous experiment is calculated to operate as a _warning_, rather than as an example.--the philosopher--who is not ignorant, that light and shade are more powerfully contrasted in minds rising above the common level; that, as rank weeks take strong root in a fertile soil, vigorous powers not unfrequently produce fatal mistakes and pernicious exertions; that character is the produce of a lively and constant affection--may, possibly, discover in these memoirs traces of reflection, and of some attention to the phænomena of the human mind. whether the incidents, or the characters, are copied from life, is of little importance--the only question is, if the _circumstances_, and situations, are altogether improbable? if not--whether the consequences _might_ not have followed from the circumstances?--this is a grand question, applicable to all the purposes of education, morals, and legislation--_and on this i rest my moral_--'do men gather figs of thorns, or grapes of thistles?' asked a moralist and a reformer. every _possible_ incident, in works of this nature, might, perhaps, be rendered _probable_, were a sufficient regard paid to the more minute, delicate, and connecting links of the chain. under this impression, i chose, as the least arduous, a simple story--and, even in that, the fear of repetition, of prolixity, added, it may be, to a portion of indolence, made me, in some parts, neglectful of this rule:--yet, in tracing the character of my heroine from her birth, i had it in view. for the conduct of my hero, i consider myself less responsible--it was not _his_ memoirs that i professed to write. i am not sanguine respecting the success of this little publication. it is truly observed, by the writer of a late popular novel[1]--'that an author, whether good or bad, or between both, is an animal whom every body is privileged to attack; for, though all are not able to write books, all conceive themselves able to judge them. a bad composition carries with it its own punishment--contempt and ridicule:--a good one excites envy, and (frequently) entails upon its author a thousand mortifications.' [footnote 21: the monk.] to the feeling and the thinking few, this production of an active mind, in a season of impression, rather than of leisure, is presented. _memoirs of emma courtney_ volume 1 to augustus harley rash young man!--why do you tear from my heart the affecting narrative, which i had hoped no cruel necessity would ever have forced me to review?--why do you oblige me to recall the bitterness of my past life, and to renew images, the remembrance of which, even at this distant period, harrows up my soul with inconceivable misery?--but your happiness is at stake, and every selfish consideration vanishes.--dear and sacred deposit of an adored and lost friend!--for whose sake i have consented to hold down, with struggling, suffocating reluctance, the loathed and bitter portion of existence;--shall i expose your ardent mind to the incessant conflict between truth and error--shall i practise the disingenuousness, by which my peace has been blasted--shall i suffer you to run the wild career of passion--shall i keep back the recital, written upon my own mind in characters of blood, which may preserve the child of my affections from destruction? ah! why have you deceived me?--has a six months' absence obliterated from your remembrance the precept i so earnestly and incessantly laboured to inculcate--the value and importance of unequivocal sincerity? a precept, which i now take shame to myself for not having more implicitly observed! had i supposed your affection for joanna more than a boyish partiality; had i not believed that a few months' absence would entirely erase it from your remembrance; had i not been assured that her heart was devoted to another object, a circumstance of which she had herself frankly informed you; i should not now have distrusted your fortitude, when obliged to wound your feelings with the intelligence--that the woman, whom you have so wildly persecuted, was, yesterday, united to another. to the same i resume my pen. your letter, which joanna a few days since put into my hands, has cost me--ah! my augustus, my friend, my son--what has it not cost me, and what impressions has it not renewed? i perceive the vigour of your mind with terror and exultation. but you are mistaken! were it not for the insuperable barrier that separates you, for ever, from your hopes, perseverance itself, however active, however incessant, may fail in attaining its object. your ardent reasoning, my interesting and philosophic young friend, though not unconsequential, is a finely proportioned structure, resting on an airy foundation. the science of morals is not incapable of demonstration, but we want a more extensive knowledge of particular facts, on which, in any given circumstance, firmly to establish our data.--yet, be not discouraged; exercise your understanding, think freely, investigate every opinion, disdain the rust of antiquity, raise systems, invent hypotheses, and, by the absurdities they involve, seize on the clue of truth. rouse the nobler energies of your mind; be not the slave of your passions, neither dream of eradicating them. sensation generates interest, interest passion, passion forces attention, attention supplies the powers, and affords the means of attaining its end: in proportion to the degree of interest, will be that of attention and power. thus are talents produced. every man is born with sensation, with the aptitude of receiving impressions; the force of those impressions depends on a thousand circumstances, over which he has little power; these circumstances form the mind, and determine the future character. we are all the creatures of education; but in that education, what we call chance, or accident, has so great a share, that the wisest preceptor, after all his cares, has reason to tremble: one strong affection, one ardent incitement, will turn, in an instant, the whole current of our thoughts, and introduce a new train of ideas and associations. you may perceive that i admit the general truths of your reasoning; but i would warn you to be careful in their particular application; a long train of patient and laborious experiments must precede our deductions and conclusions. the science of mind is not less demonstrative, and far more important, than the science of newton; but we must proceed on similar principles. the term _metaphysics_ has been, perhaps, justly defined--the first _principles of arts and sciences_.[2] every discovery of genius, resulting from a fortunate combination of circumstances, may be resolved into simple facts; but in this investigation we must be patient, attentive, indefatigable; we must be content to arrive at truth through many painful mistakes and consequent sufferings.--such appears to be the constitution of man! [footnote 2: helvetius.] to shorten and meliorate your way, i have determined to sacrifice every inferior consideration. i have studied your character: i perceive, with joy, that its errors are the ardent excesses of a generous mind. i loved your father with a fatal and unutterable tenderness: time has softened the remembrance of his faults.--our noblest qualities, without incessant watchfulness, are liable insensibly to shade into vices--but his virtues and _misfortunes_, in which my own were so intimately blended, are indelibly engraven on my heart. a mystery has hitherto hung over your birth. the victim of my own ardent passions, and the errors of one whose memory will ever be dear to me, i prepare to withdraw the veil--a veil, spread by an importunate, but, i fear, a mistaken tenderness. learn, then, from the incidents of my life, entangled with those of his to whom you owe your existence, a more striking and affecting lesson than abstract philosophy can ever afford. chapter i the events of my life have been few, and have in them nothing very uncommon, but the effects which they have produced on my mind; yet, that mind they have helped to form, and this in the eye of philosophy, or affection, may render them not wholly uninteresting. while i trace them, they convince me of the irresistible power of circumstances, modifying and controuling our characters, and introducing, mechanically, those associations and habits which make us what we are; for without outward impressions we should be nothing. i know not how far to go back, nor where to begin; for in many cases, it may be in all, a foundation is laid for the operations of our minds, years--nay, ages--previous to our birth. i wish to be brief, yet to omit no one connecting link in the chain of causes, however minute, that i conceive had any important consequences in the formation of my mind, or that may, probably, be useful to your's. my father was a man of some talents, and of a superior rank in life, but dissipated, extravagant, and profligate. my mother, the daughter of a rich trader, and the sole heiress of his fortunes, allured by the specious address and fashionable manners of my father, sacrificed to empty shew the prospect of rational and dignified happiness. my father courted her hand to make himself master of her ample possessions: dazzled by vanity, and misled by self-love, she married him;--found, when too late, her error; bitterly repented, and died in child bed the twelfth month of her marriage, after having given birth to a daughter, and commended it, with her dying breath, to the care of a sister (the daughter of her mother by a former marriage), an amiable, sensible, and worthy woman, who had, a few days before, lost a lovely and promising infant at the breast, and received the little emma as a gift from heaven, to supply its place. my father, plunged in expence and debauchery, was little moved by these domestic distresses. he held the infant a moment in his arms, kissed it, and willingly consigned it to the guardianship of its maternal aunt. it will here be necessary to give a sketch of the character, situation, and family, of this excellent woman; each of which had an important share in forming the mind of her charge to those dispositions, and feelings, which irresistibly led to the subsequent events. chapter ii mr and mrs melmoth, my uncle and aunt, married young, purely from motives of affection. mr melmoth had an active, ardent mind, great benevolence of heart, a sweet and chearful temper, and a liberal manner of thinking, though with few advantages of education: he possessed, also, a sanguine disposition, a warm heart, a generous spirit, and an integrity which was never called in question. mrs melmoth's frame was delicate and fragile; she had great sensibility, quickness of perception, some anxiety of temper, and a refined and romantic manner of thinking, acquired from the perusal of the old romances, a large quantity of which, belonging to a relation, had, in the early periods of her youth, been accidentally deposited in a spare room in her father's house. these qualities were mingled with a devotional spirit, a little bordering on fanatacism. my uncle did not exactly resemble an orlando, or an oroondates, but he was fond of reading; and having the command of a ship in the west india trade, had, during his voyages in fine weather, time to indulge in this propensity; by which means he was a tolerable proficient in the belles lettres, and could, on occasion, quote shakespeare, scribble poetry, and even philosophize with pope and bolingbroke. mr melmoth was one-and-twenty, his bride nineteen, when they were united. they possessed little property; but the one was enterprizing and industrious, the other careful and oeconomical; and both, with hearts glowing with affection for each other, saw cheering hope and fairy prospects dancing before their eyes. every thing succeeded beyond their most sanguine expectations. my uncle's cheerful and social temper, with the fairness and liberality of his dealings, conciliated the favour of the merchants. his understanding was superior, and his manners more courteous, than the generality of persons in his line of life: his company was eagerly courted, and no vessel stood a chance of being freighted till his had its full cargo. his voyages were not long, and frequent absences and meetings kept alive between him and my aunt, the hopes, the fears, the anxieties, and the transports of love. their family soon increased, but this was a new source of joy to mr melmoth's affectionate heart. a walk or a ride in the country, with his wife and little ones, he accounted his highest relaxation:--on these occasions he gave himself up to a sweet and lively pleasure; would clasp them alternately to his breast, and with eyes overflowing with tears of delight, repeat thomson's charming description of the joys of virtuous love- 'where nothing strikes the eye but sights of bliss, all various nature pressing on the heart!' this was the first picture that struck my young imagination, for i was, in all respects, considered as the adopted child of the family. this prosperity received little other interruption than from my uncle's frequent absences, and the pains and cares of my aunt in bringing into the world, and nursing, a family of children. mr melmoth's successful voyages, at rather earlier than forty years of age, enabled him to leave the sea, and to carry on an extensive mercantile employment in the metropolis.--at this period his health began to be injured by the progress of a threatening internal disorder; but it had little effect either on his spirits or activity. his business every day became wider, and his attention to it was unremitted, methodical, and indefatigable. his hours of relaxation were devoted to his family and social enjoyment; at these times he never suffered the cares of the counting-house to intrude;--he was the life of every company, and the soul of every pleasure. he at length assumed a more expensive style of living; took a house in the country (for the charms of which he had ever a peculiar taste) as a summer residence; set up an equipage, increased the number of his servants, and kept an open and hospitable, though not a luxurious, table. the hours fled on downy pinions; his wife rested on him, his children caught sunshine from his smiles; his domestics adored him, and his acquaintance vied with each other in paying him respect. his life, he frequently repeated, had been a series of unbroken success. his religion, for he laid no stress on forms, was a sentiment of grateful and fervent love.--'_god is love_,' he would say, 'and the affectionate, benevolent heart is his temple.' chapter iii it will now be necessary, for the development of my own particular character, again to revert to earlier periods.--a few days before my birth, my aunt had lost (as already related) a lovely female infant, about four months old, and she received me, from the hands of my dying mother, as a substitute.--from these tender and affecting circumstances i was nursed and attended with peculiar care. my uncle's ship (it being war time) was then waiting for a convoy at portsmouth, where he was joined by his wife: she carried me with her, and, tenderly watchful over my safety, took me on all their little excursions, whether by sea or land: i hung at her breast, or rested in her arms, and her husband, or attendant, alternately relieved her.--plump, smiling, placid, happy, i never disturbed her rest, and the little emma was the darling of her kind guardians, and the plaything of the company. at the age at which it was thought necessary to wean me, i was sent from my tender nurse for that purpose, and consigned to the care of a stranger, with whom i quickly pined myself into a jaundice and bilious fever. my aunt dare not visit me during this short separation, she was unable to bear my piercing cries of anguish at her departure. if a momentary sensation, at that infantine period, deserve the appellation, i might call this my first affectionate sorrow. i have frequently thought that the tenderness of this worthy woman generated in my infant disposition that susceptibility, that lively propensity to attachment, to which i have through life been a martyr. on my return to my friends, i quickly regained my health and spirits; was active, blythsome, ran, bounded, sported, romped; always light, gay, alert, and full of glee. at church, (whither on sunday i was accustomed to accompany the family) i offended all the pious ladies in our vicinity by my gamesome tricks, and avoided the reprimands of my indulgent guardians by the drollery and good humour which accompanied them. when myself and my little cousins had wearied ourselves with play, their mother, to keep us quiet in an evening, while her husband wrote letters in an adjoining apartment, was accustomed to relate (for our entertainment) stories from the arabian nights, turkish tales, and other works of like marvellous import. she recited them circumstantially, and these i listened to with ever new delight: the more they excited vivid emotions, the more wonderful they were, the greater was my transport: they became my favourite amusement, and produced, in my young mind, a strong desire of learning to read the books which contained such enchanting stores of entertainment. thus stimulated, i learned to read quickly, and with facility. my uncle took pleasure in assisting me; and, with parental partiality, thought he discovered, in the ardour and promptitude with which i received his instructions, the dawn of future talents. at six years old i read aloud before company, with great applause, my uncle's favourite authors, pope's homer, and thomson's seasons, little comprehending either. emulation was roused, and vanity fostered: i learned to recite verses, to modulate my tones of voice, and began to think myself a wonderful scholar. thus, in peace and gaiety, glided the days of my childhood. caressed by my aunt, flattered by her husband, i grew vain and self-willed; my desires were impetuous, and brooked no delay; my affections were warm, and my temper irascible; but it was the glow of a moment, instantly subsiding on conviction, and when conscious of having committed injustice, i was ever eager to repair it, by a profusion of caresses and acknowledgements. opposition would always make me vehement, and coercion irritated me to violence; but a kind look, a gentle word, a cool expostulation--softened, melted, arrested, me, in the full career of passion. never, but once, do i recollect having received a blow; but the boiling rage, the cruel tempest, the deadly vengeance it excited, in my mind, i now remember with shuddering. every day i became more attached to my books; yet, not less fond of active play; stories were still my passion, and i sighed for a romance that would never end. in my sports with my companions, i acted over what i had read: i was alternately the valiant knight--the gentle damsel--the adventurous mariner--the daring robber--the courteous lover--and the airy coquet. ever inventive, my young friends took their tone from me. i hated the needle:--my aunt was indulgent, and not an hour passed unamused:--my resources were various, fantastic, and endless. thus, for the first twelve years of my life, fleeted my days in joy and innocence. i ran like the hind, frisked like the kid, sang like the lark, was full of vivacity, health, and animation; and, excepting some momentary bursts of passion and impatience, awoke every day to new enjoyment, and retired to rest fatigued with pleasure. chapter iv at this period, by the command of my father, i was sent to boarding school.--ah! never shall i forget the contrast i experienced. i was an alien and a stranger;--no one loved, caressed, nor cared for me;--my actions were all constrained;--i was obliged to sit poring over needle work, and forbidden to prate;--my body was tortured into forms, my mind coerced, and talks imposed upon me, grammar and french, mere words, that conveyed to me no ideas. i loved my guardians with passion--my tastes were all passions--they tore themselves from my embraces with difficulty. i sat down, after their departure, and wept--bitter tears--sobbed convulsively--my griefs were unheeded, and my sensibility ridiculed--i neither gave nor received pleasure. after the rude stare of curiosity, ever wounding to my feelings, was gratified, i was left to sob alone. at length, one young lady, with a fair face and a gentle demeanour, came and seated herself beside me. she spoke, in a soft voice, words of sympathy--my desolate heart fluttered at the sound. i looked at her--her features were mild and sweet; i dried my tears, and determined that she should be my friend.--my spirits became calmer, and for a short time i indulged in this relief; but, on enquiry, i found my fair companion had already a selected favourite, and that their amity was the admiration of the school.--proud, jealous, romantic--i could not submit to be the second in her esteem--i shunned her, and returned her caresses with coldness. the only mitigation i now felt to the anguish that had seized my spirits, was in the hours of business. i was soon distinguished for attention and capacity; but my governness being with-held, by an infirm constitution, from the duties of her office, i was consigned, with my companions, to ignorant, splenetic, teachers, who encouraged not my emulation, and who sported with the acuteness of my sensations. in the intervals from school hours i fought and procured books.--these were often wantonly taken from me, as a punishment for the most trivial offence; and, when my indignant spirit broke out into murmurs and remonstrance, i was constrained to learn, by way of penance, chapters in the proverbs of solomon, or verses from the french testament. to revenge myself, i satirized my tyrants in doggrel rhymes: my writing master also came in for a share of this little malice; and my productions, wretched enough, were handed round the school with infinite applause. sunk in sullen melancholy, in the hours of play i crept into corners, and disdained to be amused;--home appeared to me to be the eden from which i was driven, and there my heart and thoughts incessantly recurred. my uncle from time to time addressed to me--with little presents--kind, pleasant, affectionate notes--and these i treasured up as sacred relics. a visit of my guardians was a yet more tumultuous pleasure; but it always left me in increased anguish. some robberies had been committed on the road to town.--after parting with my friends, i have laid awake the whole night, conjuring up in my imagination all the tragic accidents i had ever heard or read of, and persuading myself some of them must have happened to these darling objects of my affection. thus passed the first twelvemonth of my exile from all i loved; during which time it was reported, by my school-fellows, that i had never been seen to smile. after the vacations, i was carried back to my prison with agonizing reluctance, to which in the second year i became, however, from habit, better reconciled. i learned music, was praised and encouraged by my master, and grew fond of it; i contracted friendships, and regained my vivacity; from a forlorn, unsocial, being, i became, once more, lively, active, enterprising,--the soul of all amusement, and the leader of every innocently mischievous frolic. at the close of another year i left school. i kept up a correspondence for some time with a few of my young friends, and my effusions were improved and polished by my paternal uncle. chapter v this period, which i had anticipated with rapture, was soon clouded by the gradual decay, and premature death, of my revered and excellent guardian. he sustained a painful and tedious sickness with unshaken fortitude;--with more, with chearfulness. i knelt by his bedside on the day of his decease; and, while i bathed his hand with my tears, caught hope from the sweet, the placid, serenity of his countenance, and could not believe the terrors of dissolution near. 'the last sentiment of my heart,' said he, 'is gratitude to the being who has given me so large a portion of good; and i resign my family into his hands with confidence.' he awoke from a short slumber, a few minutes before his death.--'emma,' said he, in a faint voice, (as i grasped his cold hand between both mine) turning upon me a mild, yet dying, eye, 'i have had a pleasant sleep--be a good girl, and comfort your aunt!'-he expired without a groan, or a struggle--'his death was the serene evening of a beautiful day!' i gazed on his lifeless remains, the day before their interment, and the features still wore the same placid, smiling benignity. i was then about fourteen years of age,--this first emotion of real sorrow rent my heart asunder! the sensations of mrs melmoth were those of agonizing, suffocating anguish:--the fair prospect of domestic felicity was veiled for ever! this was the second strong impression which struck my opening mind. many losses occurred, in consequence of foreign connections, in the settlement of mr melmoth's affairs.--the family found their fortunes scanty, and their expectations limited:--their numerous fair-professing acquaintance gradually deserted them, and they sunk into oeconomical retirement; but they continued to be respectable, because they knew how to contract their wants, and to preserve their independence. my aunt, oppressed with sorrow, could be roused only by settling the necessary plans for the future provision of her family. occupied with these concerns, or absorbed in grief, we were left for some time to run wild. months revolved ere the tender sorrows of mrs melmoth admitted of any mitigation: they at length yielded only to tender melancholy. my wonted amusements were no more; a deep gloom was spread over our once cheerful residence; my avidity for books daily increased; i subscribed to a circulating library, and frequently read, or rather devoured--little careful in the selection--from ten to fourteen novels in a week. chapter vi my father satisfied himself, after the death of my beloved uncle, with making a short and formal visit of condolence to the family, and proposing either my return to school, or to pay an annual stipend (which mr and mrs melmoth had hitherto invariably refused) for defraying the expences of my continuance and board with the amiable family by which i had been so kindly nurtured. i shrunk from the cold and careless air of a man whom i had never been able to teach my heart either to love or honour; and throwing my arms round the neck of my maternal aunt, murmured a supplication, mingled with convulsive sobs, that she would not desert me. she returned my caresses affectionately, and entreated my father to permit me to remain with her; adding, that it was her determination to endeavour to rouse and strengthen her mind, for the performance of those pressing duties--the education of her beloved children, among whom she had ever accounted her emma--which now devolved wholly upon her. my father made no objection to this request; but observed, that notwithstanding he had a very favourable opinion of her heart and understanding, and considered himself indebted to her, and to her deceased husband, for their goodness to emma, he was nevertheless apprehensive that the girl had been weakened and spoiled by their indulgence;--that his own health was at present considerably injured;--that it was probable he might not survive many years;--in which case, he frankly confessed, he had enjoyed life too freely to be able to make much provision for his daughter. it would therefore, he conceived, be more judicious to prepare and strengthen my mind to encounter, with fortitude, some hardships and rude shocks, to which i might be exposed, than to foster a sensibility, which he already perceived, with regret, was but too acute. for which purpose, he desired i might spend one day in every week at his house in berkley-square, when he should put such books into my hands [he had been informed i had a tolerable capacity] as he judged would be useful to me; and, in the intervals of his various occupations and amusements, assist me himself with occasional remarks and reflections. any little accomplishments which mrs melmoth might judge necessary for, and suitable to, a young woman with a small fortune, and which required the assistance of a master, he would be obliged to her if she would procure for me, and call upon him to defray the additional expence. he then, looking on his watch, and declaring he had already missed an appointment, took his leave, after naming monday as the day on which he should constantly expect my attendance in berkley-square. till he left the room i had not courage to raise my eyes from the ground--my feelings were harrowed up--the tone of his voice was discordant to my ears. the only idea that alleviated the horror of my weekly punishment (for so i considered the visits to berkley-square) was the hope of reading new books, and of being suffered to range uncountroled through an extensive and valuable library, for such i had been assured was mr courtney's. i still retained my passion for adventurous tales, which, even while at school, i was enabled to gratify by means of one of the day-boarders, who procured for me romances from a neighbouring library, which at every interval of leisure i perused with inconceivable avidity. chapter vii the following monday i prepared to attend mr courtney. on arriving at his house, and announcing my name, a servant conducted me into his master's dressing-room. i appeared before him with trembling steps, downcast eyes, and an averted face. 'look up, child!' said my father, in an imperious tone. 'if you are conscious of no crime, why all this ridiculous confusion?' i struggled with my feelings: the tone and manner in which i was addressed gave me an indignant sensation:--a deeper suffusion than that of modesty, the glow of wounded pride, burnt in my cheeks:--i turned quick, gazed in the face of mr courtney with a steady eye, and spoke a few words, in a firm voice, importing--that i attended by his desire, and waited his direction. he regarded me with somewhat less _hauteur_, and, while he finished dressing, interrogated me respecting the books i had read, and the impression they had left on my mind. i replied with simplicity, and without evasion. he soon discovered that my imagination had been left to wander unrestrained in the fairy fields of fiction; but that, of historical facts, and the science of the world, i was entirely ignorant. 'it is as i apprehended,' said he:--'your fancy requires a _rein_ rather than a _spur_. your studies, for the future, must be of a soberer nature, or i shall have you mistake my valet for a prince in disguise, my house for a haunted castle, and my rational care for your future welfare for barbarous tyranny.' i felt a poignant and suffocating sensation, too complicated to bear analyzing, and followed mr courtney in silence to the library. my heart bounded when, on entering a spacious room, i perceived on either side a large and elegant assortment of books, regularly arranged in glass cases, and i longed to be left alone, to expatiate freely in these treasures of entertainment. but i soon discovered, to my inexpressible mortification, that the cases were locked, and that in this intellectual feast i was not to be my own purveyor. my father, after putting into my hands the lives of plutarch, left me to my meditations; informing me, that he should probably dine at home with a few friends, at five o'clock, when he should expect my attendance at the table. i opened my book languidly, after having examined through the glass doors the titles of those which were with-held from me. i felt a kind of disgust to what i considered as a task imposed, and read a few pages carelessly, gazing at intervals through the windows into the square.--but my attention, as i proceeded, was soon forcibly arrested, my curiosity excited, and my enthusiasm awakened. the hours passed rapidly--i perceived not their flight--and at five o'clock, when summoned to dinner, i went down into the dining-room, my mind pervaded with republican ardour, my sentiments elevated by a high-toned philosophy, and my bosom glowing with the virtues of patriotism. i found with mr courtney company of both sexes, to whom he presented me on my entrance. their easy compliments disconcerted me, and i shrunk, abashed, from the bold and curious eyes of the gentlemen. during the repast i ate little, but listened in silence to every thing that passed. the theatres were the first topic of conversation, venice preserved had been acted the preceding evening, and from discussing the play, the conversation took a political turn. a gentleman that happened to be seated next me, who spoke fluently, looking around him every moment for approbation, with apparent self-applause, gave the discourse a tone of gallantry, declaring--'pierre to be a noble fellow, and that the loss of a mistress was a sufficient excuse for treason and conspiracy, even though the country had been deluged in blood and involved in conflagration.' 'and the mistresses of all his fellow citizens destroyed of course;'--said a gentleman coolly, on the opposite side of the table. oh! that was not a consideration, every thing must give place when put in competition with certain feelings. 'what, young lady,' (suddenly turning to me) 'do you think a lover would not risque, who was in fear of losing you?' good god! what a question to an admirer of the grecian heroes! i started, and absolutely shuddered. i would have replied, but my words died away upon my lips in inarticulate murmurs. my father observed and enjoyed my distress. 'the worthies of whom you have been reading, emma, lived in ancient times. aristides the just, would have made but a poor figure among our modern men of fashion!' 'this lady reads, then,'--said our accomplished coxcomb--'heavens, mr courtney! you will spoil all her feminine graces; knowledge and learning, are unsufferably masculine in a woman--born only for the soft solace of man! the mind of a young lady should be clear and unsullied, like a sheet of white paper, or her own fairer face: lines of thinking destroy the dimples of beauty; aping the reason of man, they lose the exquisite, _fascinating_ charm, in which consists their true empire;--then strongest, when most weak- "loveliest in their fears- and by this silent adulation, soft, to their protection more engaging man." 'pshaw!' replied mr courtney, a little peevishly--'you will persuade emma, that the age of chivalry is not yet over; and that giants and ravishers are as common now, as in the time of charlemagne: a young woman of sense and spirit needs no other protection; do not flatter the girl into affectation and imbecility. if blank paper be your passion, you can be at no loss; the town will supply quires and reams.' 'there i differ from you,' said the gentleman on the opposite side of the table; 'to preserve the mind a blank, we must be both deaf and blind, for, while any inlet to perception remains, your paper will infallibly contract characters of some kind, or be blotted and scrawled!' 'for god's sake! do not let us begin to philosophise,' retorted his antagonist, who was not to be easily silenced. 'i agree with you,'--rejoined the other--'_thinking_ is undoubtedly very laborious, and _principle_ equally troublesome and impertinent.' i looked at him as he finished speaking, and caught his eye for a moment; its expression methought was doubtful. the man of fashion continued to expatiate in rhetorical periods--he informed us, that he had fine feelings, but they never extended beyond selfish gratification. for his part, he had as much humanity as any man, for which reason he carefully avoided the scene or the tale of distress. he, likewise, had his opinions, but their pliability rendered them convenient to himself, and accommodating to his friends. he had courage to sustain fatigue and hardship, when, not his country, but vanity demanded the exertion. it was glorious to boast of having travelled two hundred miles in eight and forty hours, and sat up three nights, to be present, on two succeeding evenings, at a ball in distant counties. 'this man,' i said to myself, while i regarded him with a look of ineffable scorn--'takes a great deal of pains to render himself ridiculous, he surely must have a vile heart, or a contemptible opinion of mankind: if he be really the character he describes, he is a compound of atrocity and folly, and a pest to the world; if he slanders himself, what must be that state of society, the applause of which he persuades himself is to be thus acquired?' i sighed deeply;--in either case the reflection was melancholy;--my eyes enquired--'am i to hate or to despise you?' i know not whether he understood their language, but he troubled me no more with his attentions. i reflected a little too seriously:--i have since seen many a prating, superficial coxcomb, who talks to display his oratory--_mere words_ --repeated by rote, to which few ideas are affixed, and which are uttered and received with equal apathy. chapter viii during three years, i continued my weekly visits to berkley square; i was not always allowed to join the parties who assembled there, neither indeed would it have been proper, for they were a motley groupe; when permitted so to do, i collected materials for reflection. i had been educated by my aunt, in strict principles of religion; many of mr courtney's friends were men of wit and talents, who, occasionally, discussed important subjects with freedom and ability: i never ventured to mingle in the conversations, but i overcame my timidity sufficiently to behave with propriety and composure; i listened attentively to all that was said, and my curiosity was awakened to philosophic enquiries. mr courtney now entrusted me with the keys of the bookcases, through which i ranged with ever new delight. i went through, by my father's direction, a course of historical reading, but i could never acquire a taste for this species of composition. accounts of the early periods of states and empires, of the grecian and roman republics, i pursued with pleasure and enthusiasm: but when they became more complicated, grew corrupt, luxurious, licentious, perfidious, mercenary, i turned from them fatigued, and disgusted, and sought to recreate my spirits in the fairer regions of poetry and fiction. my early associations rendered theology an interesting subject to me; i read ecclesiastical history, a detail of errors and crimes, and entered deeply into polemic divinity: my mind began to be emancipated, doubts had been suggested to it, i reasoned freely, endeavoured to arrange and methodize my opinions, and to trace them fearlessly through all their consequences: while from exercising my thoughts with freedom, i seemed to acquire new strength and dignity of character. i met with some of the writings of descartes, and was seized with a passion for metaphysical enquiries. i began to think about the nature of the soul--whether it was a composition of the elements, the result of organized matter, or a subtle and etherial fire. in the course of my researches, the heloise of rousseau fell into my hands.--ah! with what transport, with what enthusiasm, did i peruse this dangerous, enchanting, work!--how shall i paint the sensations that were excited in my mind!--the pleasure i experienced approaches the limits of pain--it was tumult--all the ardour of my character was excited.--mr courtney, one day, surprised me weeping over the sorrows of the tender st preux. he hastily snatched the book from my hand, and, carefully collecting the remaining volumes, carried them in silence to his chamber: but the impression made on my mind was never to be effaced--it was even productive of a long chain of consequences, that will continue to operate till the day of my death. my time at this period passed rapidly and pleasantly. my father never treated me with affection; but the austerity of his manner gradually subsided. he gave me, occasionally, useful hints and instructions. without feeling for him any tenderness, he inspired me with a degree of respect. the library was a source of lively and inexhaustible pleasure to my mind; and, when admitted to the table of mr courtney, some new character or sentiment frequently sharpened my attention, and afforded me subjects for future enquiry and meditation. i delighted to expatiate, when returning to the kind and hospitable mansion of my beloved aunt, (which i still considered as my home) on the various topics which i had collected in my little emigrations. i was listened to by my cousins with a pleasure that flattered my vanity, and looked up to as a kind of superior being;--a homage particularly gratifying to a young mind. chapter ix the excellent woman, who had been my more than mother, took infinite pains to cure the foibles, which, like pernicious weeds, entangled themselves with, and sometimes threatened to choak, the embryo blossoms of my expanding mind. ah! with what pleasure do i recall her beloved idea to my memory! fostered by her maternal love, and guided by her mild reason, how placid, and how sweet, were my early days!--why, my first, my tenderest friend, did i lose you at that critical period of life, when the harmless sports and occupations of childhood gave place to the pursuits, the passions and the errors of youth?--with the eloquence of affection, with gentle, yet impressive persuasion, thou mightest have checked the wild career of energetic feeling, which thou hast so often remarked with hope and terror. as i entered my eighteenth year, i lost, by a premature death, this tender monitor. never shall i forget her last emphatic, affectionate, caution. 'beware, my dear emma,' said this revered friend, 'beware of strengthening, by indulgence, those ardent and impetuous sensations, which, while they promise vigour of mind, fill me with apprehension for the virtue, for the happiness of my child. i wish not that the canker-worm, distrust, should blast the fair fruit of your ripening virtues. the world contains many benevolent, many disinterested, spirits; but civilization is yet distempered and imperfect; the inequalities of society, by fostering artificial wants, and provoking jealous competitions, have generated selfish and hostile passions. nature has been vainly provident for her offspring, while man, with mistaken avidity, grasping more than he has powers to enjoy, preys on his fellow man:--departing from simple virtues, and simple pleasures, in their stead, by common consent, has a wretched semblance been substituted. endeavour to contract your wants, and aspire only to a rational independence; by exercising your faculties, still the importunate suggestions of your sensibility; preserve your sincerity, cherish the ingenuous warmth of unsophisticated feeling, but let discernment precede confidence. i tremble even for the excess of those virtues which i have laboured to cultivate in your lively and docile mind. if i could form a wish for longer life, it is only for my children, and that i might be to my emma instead of reason, till her own stronger mind matures. i dread, lest the illusions of imagination should render those powers, which would give force to truth and virtue, the auxiliaries of passion. learn to distinguish, with accuracy, the good and ill qualities of those with whom you may mingle: while you abhor the latter, separate the being from his errors; and while you revere the former, the moment that your reverence becomes personal, that moment, suspect that your judgment is in danger of becoming the dupe of your affections.' would to god that i had impressed upon my mind--that i had recalled to my remembrance more frequently--a lesson so important to a disposition like mine!--a continual victim to the enthusiasm of my feelings; incapable of approving, or disapproving, with moderation--the most poignant sufferings, even the study of mankind, have been insufficient to dissolve the powerful enchantment, to disentangle the close-twisted associations!--but i check this train of overwhelming reflection, that is every moment on the point of breaking the thread of my narration, and obtruding itself to my pen. chapter x mr courtney did not long survive the guardian of my infancy:--his constitution had for some years been gradually impaired; and his death was hastened by a continuance of habitual dissipation, which he had not the resolution to relinquish, and to which his strength was no longer equal. it was an event i had long anticipated, and which i contemplated with a sensation of solemnity, rather than of grief. the ties of blood are weak, if not the mere chimeras of prejudice, unless sanctioned by reason, or cemented by habits of familiar and affectionate intercourse. mr courtney refusing the title of father, from a conviction that his conduct gave him no claim to this endearing appellation, had accustomed me to feel for him only the respect due to some talents and good qualities, which threw a veil over his faults. courage and truth were the principles with which he endeavoured to inspire me;--precepts, which i gratefully acknowledge, and which forbid me to adopt the language of affection, when no responsive sympathies exist in the heart. my eyes were yet moist with the tears that i had shed for the loss of my maternal friend, when i received a hasty summons to berkley-square. a servant informed me, that his master was, at length, given over by his physicians, and wished to speak to miss courtney, before his strength and spirits were too much exhausted. i neither felt, nor affected, surprize at this intelligence, but threw myself, without reply, into the carriage which had been dispatched for my conveyance. on entering the house, a gloomy silence seemed to reign throughout the late festive apartments; but, as i had seldom been a partaker of the festivity, the contrast struck me less forcibly than it might otherwise have done. my name was announced, and i was conducted, by the housekeeper, to the chamber of her dying master, who, supported on pillows, breathed with difficulty, but appeared to be free from pain, and tolerably composed. i met the physician in the ante-chamber; who, on my requesting earnestly to know the situation of his patient, informed me--that an internal mortification had taken place, and that he could not survive many hours. approaching the bed, considerably shocked at the intelligence i had received, mr courtney, in a low and faint voice, desired me to draw a chair near him. i obeyed in silence. 'emma,' said he, 'i am about to quit a world, in which i have experienced little sincere enjoyment; yet, i leave it reluctantly. had i been more temperate in my pleasures, perhaps, they might have been less destructive, and more protracted. i begin to suspect, that i have made some great mistakes; but it is now too late for retraction, and i will not, in my last moments, contradict, by my example, the lesson of fortitude, with which it has been a part of my plan to inspire you. you have now, unprotected, the world to encounter; for, i will frankly confess, that my affection for you has not been strong enough to induce me to forego my own more immediate gratification: but i have never deceived you. your mother, when she married, reserved for her private expences a thousand pounds, which, on her deathbed, she desired might be invested in the funds on your account. this request i religiously complied with, and there it has remained untouched; and, being purchased in your name, you may claim it whenever you please. i have appointed you no guardians; for, already in your nineteenth year and possessing an understanding superior to your sex and age, i chose to leave you unfettered, and at your own discretion. i spared from my pleasures what money was requisite to complete your education; for having no fortune to give you, and my health being precarious, i thought it just to afford you every advantage for the improvement of those talents which you evidently possess, and which must now enable you to make your way in the world; for the scanty pittance, that the interest of your fortune will produce, is, i doubt, insufficient for your support. had i lived, it was my intention to have established you by marriage; but that is a scheme, to which, at present, i would not advise you to trust. marriage, generally speaking, in the existing state of things, must of necessity be an affair of _finance_. my interest and introduction might have availed you something; but mere merit, wit, or beauty, stand in need of more powerful auxiliaries. my brother, mr morton[3], called on me this morning:--he has agreed, for the present, to receive you into his family, where you must endeavour to make yourself useful and agreeable, till you can fix on a better and more independent plan. finding me in so low a state, your uncle would have waited a few days in town, to have seen the result, and in case of the worst, to have taken you down with him, but pressing business urged his departure. i would advise you, immediately after my decease, to set out for morton park. proper persons are appointed to settle my affairs:--when every thing is turned into money, there will, i trust, be sufficient to discharge my just debts; but do not flatter yourself with the expectation of a surplus. your presence here, when i am no more, will be equally unnecessary and improper.' [footnote 3: mr courtney's brother had taken the name of morton, to qualify himself for the inheritance of an estate, bequeathed to him by a distant relation.] this was said at intervals, and with difficulty; when, seeming quite exhausted, he waved his hand for me to leave the room, and sunk into a sort of dose, or rather stupor, which continued till within some minutes of his decease. mr courtney had been, what is called, a man of pleasure:--he had passed thro' life without ever loving any one but himself--intent, merely, on gratifying the humour of the moment. a superior education, and an attentive observance, not of rational, but, of social man, in an extensive commerce with the world, had sharpened his sagacity; but he was inaccessible to those kindlings of the affections--those glowings of admiration--inspired by real, or fancied, excellence, which never fail to expand and advance the minds of such as are capable of sketching, with a daring hand, the dangerous picture:--or of those philosophic and comprehensive views, which teach us to seek a reflected happiness in benevolent exertions for the welfare of others. my mother, i suspected, had been the victim of her husband's unkindness and neglect: wonder not, then, that my heart revolted when i would have given him the tender appellation of father! if he coldly acknowledged any little merits which i possessed, he regarded them rather with jealousy than approbation; for he felt that they tacitly reproached him. i will make no comment on the closing scene of his life. among the various emotions which had rapidly succeeded each other in my mind, during his last address, surprize had no place; i had not then his character to learn. chapter xi the small pittance bequeathed to me was insufficient to preserve me from dependence.--_dependence!_--i repeated to myself, and i felt my heart die within me. i revolved in my mind various plans for my future establishment.--i might, perhaps, be allowed to officiate, as an assistant, in the school where i had been placed in my childhood, with the mistress of which i still kept up an occasional correspondence; but this was a species of servitude, and my mind panted for freedom, for social intercourse, for scenes in motion, where the active curiosity of my temper might find a scope wherein to range and speculate. what could the interest of my little fortune afford? it would neither enable me to live alone, nor even to board in a family of any respectability. my beloved aunt was no more; her children were about to be dispersed, and to form various connections. cruel prejudices!--i exclaimed--hapless woman! why was i not educated for commerce, for a profession, for labour? why have i been rendered feeble and delicate by bodily constraint, and fastidious by artificial refinement? why are we bound, by the habits of society, as with an adamantine chain? why do we suffer ourselves to be confined within a magic circle, without daring, by a magnanimous effort, to dissolve the barbarous spell? a child in the drama of the world, i knew not which way to turn, nor on what to determine. i wrote to mr morton, to enquire on what terms i was to be received by his family. if merely as a visitor for a few weeks, till i had time to digest my plans, i should meet, with pleasure, a gentleman whose character i had been taught to respect; but i should not consider myself as subject to controul. i ought, perhaps, to have been satisfied with mr morton's answer to my interrogatories. he wished to embrace the daughter of his brother, his family would be happy to render morton park agreeable to her, as long as she should think proper to favour them by making it her residence. the young ladies expected both pleasure and improvement from the society of their accomplished kinswoman, &c. i believe i was unreasonable, the style of this letter was civil, nay kind, and yet it appeared, to me, to want the vivifying principle--what shall i say?--dictated merely by the head, it reached not the heart. the trials of my mind, i foreboded, were about to commence, i shrunk from the world i had been so willing to enter, for the rude storms of which i had been little fitted by the fostering tenderness of my early guardians. those ardent feelings and lively expectations, with all the glowing landscapes which my mind had sketched of the varied pleasures of society, while in a measure secluded from its enjoyments, gradually melted into one deep, undistinguished shade. that sanguine ardour of temper, which had hitherto appeared the predominant feature of my character, now gave place to despondency. i wept, i suffered my tears to flow unrestrained: the solemnity of the late events had seized my spirits, and the approaching change filled me with solicitude. i wandered over the scenes of my past pleasures, and recalled to my remembrance, with a sad and tender luxury, a thousand little incidents, that derived all their importance from the impossibility of their renewal. i gazed on every object, _for the last time_--what is there in these words that awakens our fanaticisms? i could have done homage to these inanimate, and, till now, uninteresting objects; merely because i should _see them no more_. how fantastic and how capricious are these sentiments! ought i, or ought i not, to blush while i acknowledge them? my young friends, also, from whom i was about to separate myself!--how various might be our destinies, and how unconscious were we of the future! happy ignorance, that by bringing the evils of life in succession, gradually inures us to their endurance. 'had i beheld the sum of ills, which one by one, i have endured--my heart had broke.' chapter xii the hour at length came, when, harrassed in body and in mind, i set out for morton park. i travelled alone, and reached the end of my journey at close of day. i entreated mr morton, who hastened to hand me from the carriage, and welcome my arrival, that i might be permitted to retire to my apartment, pleading fatigue, and wishing to wave the ceremony of an introduction to the family till the next morning. my request was obligingly granted, and a servant ordered to attend me to my chamber. many years had elapsed since i had seen this family, and my judgment was then so immature, that our meeting at the breakfast table had with each of us, i believe, the force of a first impression. you know my _fanaticism_ on these occasions. i will attempt an imperfect sketch of the groupe, assembled in the saloon, to whom i was severally presented on my entrance, by the lord of the domain. mr morton, himself, to whom precedence is due, seemed to be about fifty years of age, was of the middle stature, his features regular, and his countenance placid: he spoke but little, but that little was always mild and often judicious. he appeared not to be void of benevolent affections, and had the character of a humane landlord, but his virtues were, in a great measure, sunk in an habitual indolence of temper; he would sometimes sacrifice his principles to his repose, though never to his interest. his lady--no, i will not describe her; her character will, it may be, unfold itself to you in future--suffice it to say, that her person was gross, her voice loud and discordant, and her features rugged: she affected an air of openness and pleasantry; it may be prejudiced, perhaps she did not _affect it_. sarah morton, the eldest of the daughters, was about my age, she was under the middle height, fair, plump, loquacious; there was a childish levity in her accent and manners, which impressed strangers with an unfavourable opinion of her understanding, but it was an acquired manner, for she was shrewd and sensible. ann, the second daughter was a little lively brunette, with sharp features and sparkling black eyes; volatile, giddy, vain and thoughtless, but good humoured and pretty. the other children were much younger. two gentlemen joined us at our repast, visitors at morton park. mr francis, the elder, was in his fortieth year, his figure slender and delicate, his eye piercing, and his manner impressive. it occurred to me, that i had somewhere seen him before, and, after a few minutes recollection, i recognized in him a gentleman who had occasionally visited at my father's, and whom i have already mentioned as the antagonist of the man of fashion, whose sentiments and volubility excited my youthful astonishment and indignation. mr montague the younger, the son of a medical gentleman residing in a neighbouring county, seemed about one and twenty, tall, elegantly formed, full of fire and vivacity, with imperious manners, an impetuous temper, and stubborn prejudices. the introduction of a stranger generally throws some kind of restraint over a company; a break is made in their usual topics and associations, till the disposition and habits of the intruder have, in some degree, unfolded themselves. mrs morton took upon herself to entertain; she exhibited her talents on various subjects, with apparent self-approbation, till a few keen remarks from mr francis arrested the torrent of her eloquence. the young ladies scrutinized me with attention; even the lively ann, while she minutely observed me, ceased to court play from mr montague, who attended to me with the air, and addressed me in the language of gallantry. i sometimes caught the penetrating eye of mr francis, and his glance seemed to search the soul. after breakfast, mr morton having retired to his dressing-room, and the younger part of the company strolling into the pleasure grounds, whither i declined accompanying them, i took an opportunity, being ever desirous of active and useful employment, of offering my assistance to mrs morton, in the education of her younger children; proposing to instruct them in the rudiments either of music, drawing, french, or any other accomplishment, for which my own education had capacitated me. mr francis remained standing in a window, his back towards us, with a book in his hand, on which he seemed intent. 'if,' replied mrs morton, 'it is your wish, miss courtney, to procure the situation of governess in any gentleman's family, and it is certainly a very laudable desire in a young woman of your _small fortune_, mr morton will, i have no doubt, have it in his power to recommend you: but in the education of my family, i desire no interference; it is an important task, and i have my peculiar notions on the subject: their expectations are not great, and your _elegant_ accomplishments might unfit them for their future, probable, stations.' the manner in which this speech was uttered spoke yet more forcibly than the words.--i felt my cheeks glow. 'i was not asking favours, madam, i was only desirous of being useful.' 'it is a pity, then, that your discernment had not corrected your vanity.' the housekeeper entering, to consult her mistress on some domestic occasion, mrs morton quitted the room. mr francis closed his book, turned round, and gazed earnestly in my face: before sufficiently mortified, his observation, which i felt at this moment oppressive, did not relieve me. i attempted to escape, but, seizing my hand, he detained me by a kind of gentle violence. 'and why this confusion, my dear miss courtney; do you blush for having acted with propriety and spirit?' i burst into tears--i could not help it--'how weak is this, how unworthy of the good sense you have just manifested.' 'i confess it, but i feel myself, at this moment, a poor, a friendless, an unprotected being.' 'what prejudices! poverty is neither criminal, nor disgraceful; you will not want friends, while you continue to deserve them; and as for protection,' (and he smiled) 'i had not expected from emma courtney's spirited letter to mr morton, and equally proper retort to his lady's impertinence, so plaintive, so feminine a complaint.--you have talents, cultivate them, and learn to rest on your own powers.' 'i thank you for your reproof, and solicit your future lessons.' 'can you bear the truth?' 'try me.' 'have you not cherished a false pride?' it is too true, thought i, and i sighed. 'how shall i cure this foible?' 'by self-examination, by resolution, and perseverance.' 'be to me instead of a conscience.' 'what, then, is become of your own?' 'prejudice, i doubt, has blinded and warped it.' 'i suspect so; but you have energy and candor, and are not, i hope, of a temper to despond.' the return of the family terminated this singular conversation. the young ladies rallied me, on being found _tête-à-tête_ with the philosopher; mr montague, i thought looked displeased. i stole out; while the party were dressing for dinner, and rambled into the gardens, which were extensive, and laid out with taste. chapter xiii i judged my visit here would not be very long. i scarcely knew whether i was most inclined to like or to fear mr francis, but i determined, if possible, to cultivate his friendship. i interrogated myself again and again--from whence this restlessness, this languor, this disgust, with all i hear and see?--why do i feel wayward, querulous, fastidious? mr morton's family had no hearts; they appeared to want a _sense_, that preyed incessantly on mine; i could not love them, and my heart panted to expand its sensations. sarah and ann became jealous of me, and of each other; the haughty, yet susceptible, montague addressed each in turn, with a homage equally fervent for the moment, and equally transient. this young man was bold, ardent, romantic, and enterprizing, but blown about by every gust of passion, he appeared each succeeding moment a different character: with a glowing and rapid imagination, he had never given himself time to reason, to compare, to acquire principles: following the bent of a raised, yet capricious fancy, he was ever in pursuit of meteors, that led him into mischief, or phantoms, that dissolved at his approach. had my mind been more assured and at ease, i could have amused myself with the whimsical flights of this eccentric being--one hour, attracted by the sportive graces of ann, he played with and caressed her, while the minutes flew rapidly on the light wing of amusement, and, till reminded by the grave countenance of mr morton, seemed to forget that any other person was present. the next minute, disgusted by her frivolity, all his attention was absorbed by the less fascinating, but more artful and ingenious, sarah. then, quitting them both, he would pursue my steps, break in upon my meditations, and haunt my retreats, from whence, when not disposed to be entertained by his caprice, i found it not difficult to drive him, by attacking some of his various prejudices:--accustomed to feel, and not to reason, his tastes and opinions were vehement and uncontroulable. from this society, so uncongenial to my reflecting, reasoning, mind, i found some resource in the conversation of mr francis. the pride of montague was evidently piqued by the decided preference which i gave to the company of his friend; but his homage, or his resentment, were alike indifferent to me: accustomed to speak and act from my convictions, i was but little solicitous respecting the opinion of others. my understanding was exercised by attending to the observations of mr francis, and by discussing the questions to which they led; yet it was exercised without being gratified: he opposed and bewildered me, convicted me of error, and harrassed me with doubt. mr francis soon after prepared to return to town. i was affected at the idea of his departure; and felt, that in losing his society, i should be deprived of my only rational recreation, and should again be exposed to mrs morton's illiberal attacks, who appeared to have marked me out for her victim, though at present restrained by the presence of a man, who had found means to inspire, even her, with some degree of respect. mr francis, on the evening preceding the day on which he purposed leaving morton park, passing under the open window of my chamber, in which i was sitting with a book to enjoy the refreshing breeze, invited me to come down, and accompany him in a ramble. i immediately complied with his request, and joined him in a few minutes, with a countenance clouded with regret at the idea of his quitting us. 'you are going,' said i, as i gave him my hand (which he passed under his arm), 'and i lose my friend and counsellor.' 'your concern is obliging; but you are capable of standing alone, and your mind, by so doing, will acquire strength.' 'i feel as if this would not be the case: the world appears to me a thorny and pathless wilderness; i step with caution, and look around me with dread.--that i require protection and assistance is, i confess, a proof of weakness, but it is nevertheless true.' 'mr montague,' replied he, with some degree of archness in his tone and manner, 'is a gallant knight, a pattern of chivalry, and appears to be particularly calculated for the defender of distressed damsels!' 'i have no inclination to trust myself to the guidance of one, who seems himself entangled in an inextricable maze of error, and whose versatile character affords little basis for confidence.' 'tell me what it is you fear;--are your apprehensions founded in reason?' 'recollect my youth, my sex, and my precarious situation.' 'i thought you contemned the plea of _sex_, as a sanction for weakness!' 'though i disallow it as a natural, i admit it as an artificial, plea.' 'explain yourself.' 'the character, you tell me, is modified by circumstances: the customs of society, then, have enslaved, enervated, and degraded woman.' 'i understand you: there is truth in your remark, though you have given it undue force.' i hesitated--my heart was full--i felt as if there were many things which i wished to say; but, however paradoxical, the manners of mr francis repressed, while they invited, confidence. i respected his reason, but i doubted whether i could inspire him with sympathy, or make him fully comprehend my feelings. i conceived i could express myself with more freedom on paper; but i had not courage to request a correspondence, when he was silent on the subject. that it would be a source of improvement to me, i could not doubt, but prejudice with-held me from making the proposal. he looked at me, and perceived my mind struggling with a suggestion, to which it dared not give utterance: he suspected the truth, but was unwilling to disturb the operations of my understanding. we walked for some time in silence:--my companion struck into a path that led towards the house--listened to the village clock as it struck nine--and observed, the hour grew late. he had distinguished me, and i was flattered by that distinction; he had supported me against the arrogance of mrs morton, retorted the sly sarcasms of sarah, and even helped to keep the impetuous montague in awe, and obliged him to rein in his offensive spirit, every moment on the brink of outrage. my heart, formed for grateful attachment, taking, in one instant, a hasty retrospect of the past, and a rapid glance into futurity, experienced at that moment so desolating a pang, that i endeavoured in vain to repress its sensations, and burst into a flood of tears. mr francis suddenly stopped, appeared moved, and, with a benevolent aspect and soothing accents, enquired into the cause of an emotion so sudden and unexpected. i wept a few minutes in silence, and my spirits seemed, in some measure, relieved. 'i weep,' (said i), 'because i am _friendless_; to be esteemed and cherished is necessary to my existence; i am an alien in the family where i at present reside, i cannot remain here much longer, and to whom, and whither, shall i go?' he took my hand--'i will not, at present, say all that it might be proper to say, because i perceive your mind is in a feeble state;--my affairs call me to london;--yet, there is a method of conversing at a distance.' i eagerly availed myself of this suggestion, which i had wished, without having the courage to propose. 'will you, then, allow me, through the medium of pen and paper, to address, to consult you, as i may see occasion?' 'will i? yes, most cheerfully! propose your doubts and state your difficulties, and we shall see,' (smiling) 'whether they admit of a solution.' thanking him, i engaged to avail myself of this permission, and we proceeded slowly to the house, and joined the party in the supper room. i never once thought of my red and swoln eyes, till sarah, glancing a look half curious, half sarcastic, towards me, exclaimed from shakespear, in an affected tone, 'parting is such sweet sorrow!' mr francis looked at her sternly, she blushed and was silent; mr montague was captious; ann mortified, that she could not by her little tricks gain his attention. mrs morton sat wrapped in mock dignity; while mr morton, and his philosophic friend, canvassed the principles upon which an horizontal mill was about to be constructed on the estate of the former. after a short and scanty meal, i retired to my apartment, determined to rise early the next morning, and make breakfast for my friend before his departure. chapter xiv mr francis had ordered his horse to be ready at five o'clock. i left my chamber at four, to have the pleasure of preparing for him the last friendly repast, and of saying _farewel_. he was serene and chearful as usual, i somewhat more pensive; we parted with great cordiality, he gave me his address in town, and engaged me to write to him shortly. i accompanied him through the park to the porter's lodge, where the servant and horses waited his coming. my eyes glistened as i bade him adieu, and reiterated my wishes for his safety and prosperity, while his features softened into a more than usual benignity, as he returned my salutation. i wandered thoughtfully back towards the house, but the rich purple that began to illumine the east, the harbinger of the rising sun, the freshness of the morning air, the soft dews which already glittered on every fragrant plant and flower, the solemn stillness, so grateful to the reflecting mind, that pervaded the scene, induced me to prolong my walk. every object appeared in unison with my feelings, my heart swelled with devotional affections, it aspired to the author of nature. after having bewildered ourselves amid systems and theories, religion, in such situations, returns to the susceptible mind as a _sentiment_ rather than as a principle. a passing cloud let fall a gentle, drizzling shower; sheltered beneath the leafy umbrage of a spreading oak, i rather heard than felt it; yet, the coolness it diffused seemed to quench those ardent emotions, which are but too congenial with my disposition, while the tumult of the passions subsided into a delicious tranquillity. how mutable are human beings!--a very few hours converted this sublime complacency into perturbation and tumult. having extended my walk beyond its accustomed limits, on my return, i retired, somewhat fatigued to my apartment, and devoted the morning to my studies. at the dinner hour i joined the family, each individual of which seemed wrapped up in reserve, scarcely deigning to practise the common ceremonies of the occasion. i was not sufficiently interested in the cause of these appearances to make any enquiries, and willingly resigned myself, in the intervals of the entertainment, to meditation. when the table was cleared, and the servants had withdrawn, perceiving the party not sociably inclined, i was about to retire--when mrs morton observed, with features full of a meaning which i did not comprehend, that-'their guest, mr francis, had, no doubt, left morton park gratefully impressed by the _kindness_ of miss courtney.' montague reddened--bit his lips--got up--and sat down again. the young ladies wore an air not perfectly good-humoured, and a little triumphant. mr morton looked very solemn. 'i hope so, madam,' i replied, somewhat carelessly. 'i felt myself indebted to mr francis for his civilities, and was solicitous to make him all the return in my power--i wish that power had been enlarged.' she held up her hands and eyes with an affected, and ridiculous, gesture. 'mr francis,' said montague, abruptly, 'is very happy in having inspired you with sentiments _so partial_.' 'i am not partial--i am merely just. mr francis appeared to me a rational man, and my understanding was exercised and gratified by his conversation.' i was about to proceed, but my uncle (who seemed to have been tutored for the occasion) interrupted me with much gravity. 'you are but little acquainted, emma, with the customs of society; there is great indecorum in a young lady's making these distinctions.' 'what distinctions, my dear sir!--in prefering a reasonable man to fools and coxcombs.' 'forgive me, my dear--you have a quick wit, but you want experience. i am informed, that you breakfasted with mr francis this morning, and attended him through the park:--this, with your late walk yesterday evening, and evident emotion on your return, let me tell you, child, wears an indecorous appearance:--the world is justly attentive to the conduct of young women, and too apt to be censorious.' i looked round me with unaffected surprize--'good god!--did i suppose, in this family, it was necessary to be upon my guard against malicious constructions?' 'pray,'--interrupted sarah, pertly--'would you not have expressed some surprize, had i shewed mr montague similar attentions?' i looked at her, i believe, a little too contemptuously.--'whatever sentiments might have been excited in my mind by the attentions of miss morton to mr montague, _surprize_, assuredly, would not have been among them.' she coloured, and montague's passions began to rise. i stopped him at the beginning of an impertinent harangue, by observing-'that i did not think myself accountable to him for my conduct;--before i should be solicitous respecting his opinions, he must give me better reasons, than he had hitherto done, to respect his judgment.' ann wept, and prattled something, to which nobody thought it worth while to attend. 'well, sir,' continued i, turning to mr morton, 'be pleased to give me, in detail, what you have to alledge, that i may be enabled to justify myself.' 'will you allow me to ask you a question?' 'most certainly.' 'has mr francis engaged you to correspond with him?' i was silent a few moments. 'you hesitate!' 'only, sir, _how_ to answer your question.--i certainly intend myself the pleasure of addressing mr francis on paper; but i cannot strictly say _he engaged_ me so to do, as it was a proposal he was led to make, by conjecturing my wishes on the subject.' again, mrs morton, with uplifted hands and eyes--'what effrontery!' i seemed not to hear her.--'have you any thing more to say, my dear uncle?' 'you are a strange girl. it would not, perhaps, be proper before this company to enquire'--and he stopped. 'any thing is proper, sir, to enquire of me, and in any company--i have no reserves, no secrets.' 'well, then, i think it necessary to inform you, that, though a sensible, well educated, liberal-minded, man, mr francis has neither estate nor fortune, nor does he practise any lucrative profession.' 'i am sorry for it, on his own account; and for those whom his generosity might benefit. but, what is it to me?' 'you affect to misunderstand me.' 'i _affect_ nothing.' 'i will speak more plainly:--has he made you any proposals?' the purport of this solemn, but ludicrous, preparation, at once flashed upon my mind, the first time the thought had ever occurred. i laughed--i could not help it. 'i considered mr francis as a _philosopher_, and not as a _lover_. does this satisfy you, sir?' my uncle's features, in spite of himself, relaxed into a half-smile. 'very platonic--sweet simplicity!'--drauled out mrs morton, in ironical accents. 'i will not be insulted, mr morton!' quitting my seat, and rising in temper.--'i consider myself, merely, as your visitant, and not as responsible to any one for my actions. conscious of purity of intention, and superior to all disguise or evasion, i was not aware of these feminine, indelicate, unfriendly suggestions. if this behaviour be a specimen of what i am to expect in the world--the world may do its will--but i will never be its slave: while i have strength of mind to form principles, and courage to act upon them, i am determined to preserve my freedom, and trust to the general candour and good sense of mankind to appreciate me justly. as the brother of my late father, and as entitled to respect from your own kind intentions, i am willing to enter into any explanations, which _you_, _sir_, may think necessary:--neither my motives, nor my actions, have ever yet shrunk from investigation. will you permit me to attend you in your library? it is not my intention to intrude longer on your hospitality, and i could wish to avail myself of your experience and counsels respecting my future destination.' mr morton, at my request, withdrew with me into the library, where i quickly removed from his mind those injurious suspicions with which mrs morton had laboured to inspire him. he would not hear of my removal from the park--apologized for what had passed--assured me of his friendship and protection--and entreated me to consider his house as my home. there was an honest warmth and sincerity in his manner, that sensibly affected me; i could have wept; and i engaged, at his repeated request, not to think, at present, of withdrawing myself from his protection. thus we separated. how were the virtues of this really good man tarnished by an unsuitable connection! in the giddy hours of youth, we thoughtlessly rush into engagements, that fetter our minds, and affect our future characters, without reflecting on the important consequences of our conduct. this is a subject on which i have had occasion to reflect deeply; yet, alas! my own boasted reason has been, but too often, the dupe of my imagination. chapter xv nothing, here, occupied my heart--a heart to which it was necessary to love and admire. i had suffered myself to be irritated--the tumult of my spirits did not easily subside--i was mortified at the reflection--i had believed myself armed with patience and fortitude, but my philosophy was swept before the impetuous emotions of my passions like chaff before the whirlwind. i took up my pen to calm my spirits, and addressed myself to the man who had been, unconsciously, the occasion of these vexations.--my swelling heart needed the relief of communication. to mr francis 'i sought earnestly for the privilege of addressing you on paper. my mind seemed to overflow with a thousand sentiments, that i had not the courage to express in words; but now, when the period is arrived, that i can take up my pen, unawed by your penetrating glance, unchecked by your poignant reply, and pour out my spirit before you, i feel as if its emotions were too wayward, too visionary, too contradictory, to merit your attention. 'every thing i see and hear is a disappointment to me:--brought up in retirement--conversing only with books--dwelling with ardour on the great characters, and heroic actions, of antiquity, all my ideas of honour and distinction were associated with those of virtue and talents. i conceived, that the pursuit of truth, and the advancement of reason, were the grand objects of universal attention, and i panted to do homage to those superior minds, who, teaching mankind to be wise, would at length lead them to happiness. accustomed to think, to feel, to kindle into action, i am at a loss to understand the distinction between theory and practice, which every one seems eager to inculcate, as if the degrading and melancholy intelligence, which fills my soul with despondency, and pervades my understanding with gloom, was to them a subject of exultation. 'is virtue, then, a chimera--does it exist only in the regions of romance?--have we any interest in finding our fellow creatures weak and miserable?--is the being who formed them unjust, capricious, impotent, or tyrannical? 'answer these questions, that press heavily on my mind, that dart across it, in its brightest moments, clouding its sun-shine with a thick and impenetrable darkness. must the benevolent emotions, which i have hitherto delighted to cherish, turn into misanthropy--must the fervent and social affections of my heart give place to inanity, to apathy--must the activity of a curious and vigorous mind sink into torpor and abhorred vacuity? 'while they teach me to distrust the existence of virtue, they endeavour to impose on me, in its stead, a fictitious semblance; and to substitute, for the pure gold of truth, a paltry tinsel. it is in vain i ask--what have those to do with "_seeming_," who still retain "that which _passeth shew_?" however my actions may be corrupted by the contagious example of the world, may i still hold fast my integrity, and disdain to wear the _appearance_ of virtue, when the substance shall no longer exist. 'to admire, to esteem, to love, are congenial to my nature--i am unhappy, because these affections are not called into exercise. to venerate abstract perfection, requires too vigorous an exertion of the mental powers--i would see virtue exemplified, i would love it in my fellow creatures--i would catch the glorious enthusiasm, and rise from created to uncreated excellence. 'i am perplexed with doubts; relieve the wanderings of my mind, solve the difficulties by which it is agitated, prepare me for the world which is before me. the prospect, no longer beaming with light, no longer glowing with a thousand vivid hues, is overspread with mists, which the mind's eye vainly attempts to penetrate. i would feel, again, the value of existence, the worth of rectitude, the certainty of truth, the blessing of hope! ah! tell me not--that the gay expectations of youth have been the meteors of fancy, the visions of a romantic and distempered imagination! if i must not live to realize them, i would not live at all. 'my harrassed mind turns to you! you will not ridicule its scruples--you will, at least, deign to reason with me, and, in the exercise of my understanding, i shall experience a temporary relief from the sensations which devour me, the suspicions that distress me, and which spread over futurity a fearful veil. 'emma.' i walked to the next market town, and left my letter at the post-house,--i waited impatiently for a reply; my mind wanted _impression_, and sunk into languor. the answer, which arrived in a few days, was kind, because it was prompt, my sickly mind required a speedy remedy. to emma courtney. 'why will you thus take things in masses, and continually dwell in extremes? you deceive yourself; instead of cultivating your reason, you are fostering an excessive sensibility, a fastidious delicacy. it is the business of reason to compare, to separate, to discriminate. is there no medium--extraordinary exertions are only called forth by extraordinary contingences;--because every human being is not a hero, are we then to distrust the existence of virtue? 'the mind is modified by the circumstances in which it is placed, by the accidents of birth and education; the constitutions of society are all, as yet, imperfect; they have generated, and perpetuated, many mistakes--the consequences of those mistakes will, eventually, carry with them their antidote, the seeds of reproduction are, even, visible in their decay. the growth of reason is slow, but not the less sure; the increase of knowledge must necessarily prepare the way for the increase of virtue and happiness. 'look back upon the early periods of society, and, taking a retrospective view of what has been done, amidst the interruptions of barbarous inroads, falling empires, and palsying despotism, calculate what yet may be achieved: while the causes, which have hitherto impeded the progress of civilization, must continue to decrease, in an accelerated ration, with the wide, and still wider, diffusion of truth. 'we may trace most of the faults, and the miseries of mankind, to the vices and errors of political institutions, their permanency having been their radical defect. like children, we have dreamt, that what gratifies our desires, or contributes to our convenience, to-day, will prove equally useful and satisfactory to-morrow, without reflecting on the growth of the body, the change of humours, the new objects, and the new situations, which every succeeding hour brings in its train. that immutability, which constitutes the perfection of what we (from the poverty of language) term the _divine mind_, would inevitably be the bane of creatures liable to error; it is of the constancy, rather than of the fickleness, of human beings, that we have reason to complain. 'every improvement must be the result of successive experiments, this has been found true in natural science, and it must be universally applied to be universally beneficial. bigotry, whether religious, political, moral, or commercial, is the canker-worm at the root of the tree of knowledge and of virtue. the wildest speculations are less mischievous than the torpid state of error: he, who tamely resigns his understanding to the guidance of another, sinks at once, from the dignity of a rational being, to a mechanical puppet, moved at pleasure on the wires of the artful operator.--_imposition_ is the principle and support of every varied description of tyranny, whether civil or ecclesiastical, moral or mental; its baneful consequence is to degrade both him who is imposed on, and him who imposes. _obedience_, is a word, which ought never to have had existence: as we recede from conviction, and languidly resign ourselves to any foreign authority, we quench the principle of action, of virtue, of reason;--we bear about the semblance of humanity, but the spirit is fled. 'these are truths, which will slowly, but ultimately, prevail; in the splendour of which, the whole fabric of superstition will gradually fade and melt away. the world, like every individual, has its progress from infancy to maturity--how many follies do we commit in childhood? how many errors are we precipitated into by the fervour and inexperience of youth! is not every stable principle acquired through innumerable mistakes--can you wonder, that in society, amidst the aggregate of jarring interests and passions, reformation is so tardy? though civilization has been impeded by innumerable obstacles, even these help to carry on the great work: empires may be overturned, and the arts scattered, but not lost. the hordes of barbarians, which overwhelmed ancient rome, adopted at length the religion, the laws, and the improvements of the vanquished, as rome had before done those of greece. as the stone, which, thrown into the water, spreads circles still more and more extended;--or (to adopt the gospel similitude) as the grain of mustard seed, growing up into a large tree, shelters the fowls of heaven in its branches--so will knowledge, at length, diffuse itself, till it covers the whole earth. 'when the minds of men are changed, the system of things will also change; but these changes, though active and incessant, must be gradual. reason will fall softly, and almost imperceptibly, like a gentle shower of dews, fructifying the soil, and preparing it for future harvests. let us not resemble the ambitious shepherd, who, calling for the accumulated waters of the nile upon his lands, was, with his flock, swept away in the impetuous torrent. 'you ask, whether--because human beings are still imperfect--you are to resign your benevolence, and to cherish misanthropy? what a question! would you hate the inhabitants of an hospital for being infected with a pestilential disorder? let us remember, that vice originates in mistakes of the understanding, and that, he who seeks happiness by means contradictory and destructive, _is emphatically the sinner_. our duties, then, are obvious--if selfish and violent passions have been generated by the inequalities of society, we must labour to counteract them, by endeavouring to combat prejudice, to expand the mind, to give comprehensive views, to teach mankind their true interest, and to lead them to habits of goodness and greatness. every prejudice conquered, every mistake rectified, every individual improved, is an advance upon the great scale of virtue and happiness. 'let it, then, be your noblest ambition to co-operate with, to join your efforts, to those of philosophers and sages, the benefactors of mankind. to waste our time in useless repinings is equally weak and vain; every one in his sphere may do something; each has a little circle where his influence will be availing. correct your own errors, which are various--weeds in a luxuriant soil--and you will have done something towards the general reformation. but you are able to do more;--be vigilant, be active, beware of the illusions of fancy! i suspect, that you will have much to suffer--may you, at length, reap the fruits of a wholesome, though it should be a bitter, experience. '---francis.' i perused the letter, i had received, again and again; it awakened a train of interesting reflections, and my spirits became tranquillized. chapter xvi early one fine morning, ann tapped gently at the door of my chamber; i had already risen, and invited her to enter. 'would i accompany her to breakfast, with a widow lady, who resided in a village about two miles from morton park, an occasional visitant in the family, a lady with whom, she was certain, i should be charmed.' i smiled at her ardour, thanked her for her kindness, and readily agreed to her proposal. we strolled together through an adjacent wood, which, by a shady and winding path, conducted us towards the residence of this vaunted favourite of my little companion. on our way, she entertained me with a slight sketch of the history of mrs harley and her family. she was the widow of a merchant, who was supposed to possess great property; but, practising occasionally as an underwriter, a considerable capture by the enemy (during war time) of some rich ships, reduced his fortune; and, by the consequent anxiety, completely destroyed a before debilitated constitution. he died in a few weeks after the confirmation of his loss, and, having neglected to make a will, a freehold estate of some value, which was all that remained of his effects, devolved of course to his eldest son; his two younger sons and three daughters being left wholly unprovided for. augustus harley, the heir, immediately sold the estate, and divided the produce, in equal shares, between each individual of the family. his brothers had been educated for commerce, and were enabled, through the generous kindness of augustus, to carry on, with advantage and reputation, their respective occupations; the sisters were, soon after, eligibly married. augustus, who had been educated for the law, disgusted with its chicanery, relinquished the profession, content to restrain his expences within the limits of a narrow income. this income had since received an increase, by the bequest of a distant relation, a man of a whimsical character, who had married, early in life, a beautiful woman, for love; but his wife having eloped from him with an officer, and, in the course of the intrigue, practised a variety of deceptions, he had retired disgusted from society, cherishing a misanthropical spirit: and, on his decease, bequeathed an annual sum of four hundred pounds to augustus harley (to whom in his childhood he had been particularly attached) on condition of his remaining unmarried. on his marriage, or death, this legacy passed into another branch of the family. on this acquisition augustus determined on making the tour of europe; and, after travelling on the continent for three years, on his return to his native country, alternately resided, either in the village of----, with his mother, or in the metropolis, where he divided his time, between liberal studies, and rational recreation. his visits to the country had, of late, been shorter and less frequent: he was the idol of his mother, and universally respected by his acquaintance, for his noble and generous conduct.--'ah!' (added the lively narrator) 'could you but see augustus harley, you would, infallibly, lose your heart--so frank, so pleasant, so ingenuous are his manners, so intrepid, and yet so humane! montague is a fine gentleman, but augustus harley is more--_he is a man!_' she began to grow eloquent on this, apparently, exhaustless theme, nor did she cease her panegyric till we came in view of mrs harley's mansion. 'you will love the mother as well as the son,' continued this agreeable prattler, 'when you come to know her; she is very good and very sensible.' drawing near the house, she tripped from me, to enquire if its mistress had yet risen. a small white tenement, half obscured in shrubbery, on a verdant lawn, of dimensions equally modest, situated on the side of a hill, and commanding an extensive and variegated prospect, was too interesting and picturesque an object, not to engage for some moments my attention. the image of augustus, also, which my lively companion had pourtrayed with more than her usual vivacity, played in my fancy--my heart paid involuntary homage to virtue, and i entered the mansion of mrs harley with a swelling emotion, made up of complicated feelings--half respectful, half tender--sentiments, too mingled to be distinctly traced. i was introduced into a room that overlooked a pleasant garden, and which the servant called a library. it was hung with green paper, the carpet the same colour, green venetian blinds to the windows, a sopha and chairs covered with white dimity; some drawings and engravings hung on the walls, arranged with exact symmetry; on one side of the room stood a grand piano-forte, opposite to which, was a handsome book-case, filled with books, elegantly bound; in the middle of the apartment was placed a table, covered with a green cloth, on which was a reading desk, some books and pamphlets, with implements for writing and drawing. nothing seemed costly, yet neatness, order, and taste, appeared through the whole apartment, bespeaking the elegant and cultivated mind of the owner. after amusing myself for a short time, in this charming retirement, i was summoned by ann to the breakfast room, where mrs harley awaited me. i was interested, at the first glance, in favour of this amiable woman--she appeared to be near fifty, her person agreeable, her countenance animated, her address engaging, and her manners polished. mutually pleased with each other, the hours passed rapidly; and, till reminded by a significant look from my little friend, i was unconscious, that i had made my visit of an unreasonable length. mrs harley spoke much of her son, he was the darling and the pride of her heart; she lamented the distance that separated them, and wished, that her health, and his tenderness, would allow of her residence with him in london. when conversing on this favourite topic, a glow enlivened her countenance, and her eyes sparkled with a humid brightness. i was affected by her maternal love--tender remembrances, and painful comparisons, crouded into my mind--a tear fell, that would not be twinkled away--she observed it, and seemed to feel its meaning; she held out her hand to me, i took it and pressed it to my lips. at parting, she entreated me speedily to renew my visit, to come often without ceremony--i should cheer her solitude--my sympathy, for she perceived i had a feeling heart, would help to console her in the absence of her augustus. chapter xvii on our way home, ann was in high spirits, congratulating herself upon her sagacity. 'mrs harley,' (said she, archly leering in my face) 'will console you for the departure of mr francis.' i smiled without replying. at dinner our visit of the morning was canvassed (ann had wished me to conceal it, but this i positively refused). mr morton spoke of mrs harley and her son with great respect, mrs morton with a sarcastic sneer, accompanied with a reprimand to her daughter, for the improper liberty she had taken. i quitted the table, immediately after the desert, to stifle my disgust, and, taking a book, wandered into the pleasure grounds, but incapable of fixing my attention, i presently shut my book, and, sauntering slowly on, indulged in a reverie. my melancholy reflections again returned--how could i remain in a house, where i was every day marked out for insult by its mistress--and where was i to dispose of myself? my fortune was insufficient to allow of my boarding in a respectable family. mrs harley came across my mind--amiable woman!--would she, indeed, accept of my society, and allow me to soften her solitude!--but her income was little less limited than my own--it must not be thought of. i reflected on the inequalities of society, the source of every misery and of every vice, and on the peculiar disadvantages of my sex. i sighed bitterly; and, clasping my hands together, exclaimed, unconsciously-'whither can i go--and where shall i find an asylum?' 'allow me to propose one,' said a voice, in a soft accent, suddenly, behind me. i started, turned, and beheld mr montague. after some expressions of sympathy for the distress which he had witnessed, apologies for his intrusion, and incoherent expressions of respect and regard, he somewhat abruptly offered his hand and heart to my acceptance, with the impetuosity which accompanied all his sentiments and actions; yet, he expressed himself with the air of a man who believes he is conferring an obligation. i thanked him for his generous proposal-but, as my heart spake not in his favour--'i must be allowed to decline it.' 'that heart,' said he, rudely, 'is already bestowed upon another.' 'certainly not, mr montague; if it were, i would frankly tell you.' he pronounced the name of mr francis-'mr francis is a man for whom i feel a sincere respect and veneration--a man whom i should be proud to call my friend; but a thought beyond that, i dare venture to say, has never occurred to either of us.' he knew not how to conceive--that a woman in my situation, unprepossessed, could reject so advantageous an establishment! this, i told him, was indelicate, both to me and to himself. were my situation yet more desolate, i would not marry any man, merely for an _establishment_, for whom i did not feel an affection. would i please to describe to him the model of perfection which i should require in a husband? it was unnecessary; as i saw no probability of the portrait bearing any resemblance to himself. he reddened, and turned pale, alternately; bit his lips, and muttered to himself.--'damned romantic affectation!' i assumed a firmer tone--methought he insulted me.--'i beg you will leave me, sir--i chuse to be alone--by what right do you intrude upon my retirements?' my determined accent abashed him:--he tried, but with an ill grace, to be humble; and entreated me to take time for consideration. 'there is no need of it. it is a principle with me, not to inflict a moment's suspence on any human being, when my own mind is decided.' 'then you absolutely refuse me, and prefer the being exposed to the mean and envious insults of the vulgar mistress of this mansion!' 'of the two evils, i consider it as the least, because it involves no permanent obligation.' his countenance was convulsed with passion. his love, he told me, was converted into vengeance by my scorn: he was not to be contemned with impunity; and he warned me to beware. i smiled, i believe, a little too contemptuously. 'you love me not, sir; i am glad, for your own sake, that you never loved me.' 'my hatred may be more terrible!' 'you cannot intimidate me--i am little accustomed to fear.' i turned from him somewhat disdainfully: but, instantly recollecting myself, i stepped back, and apologized for the harsh manner into which i had been betrayed by his abrupt address, vehement expostulation, and the previous irritated state of my mind. 'i acknowledge,' said i, 'the disinterestedness of your proposal, and the _distinction_ which it implies. will you allow my own wounded feelings to be an excuse for the too little consideration with which i have treated _your's_? can you forgive me?' added i, in a conciliating tone, holding out my hand. the strong emotions, which rapidly succeeded each other in his mind, were painted in his countenance. after a moment's hesitation, he snatched the hand i offered him, pressed it to his lips, and, murmuring a few incoherent words, burst into tears. my spirits were already depressed--affected by these marks of his sensibility, and still more distressed by the recollection of the pain i had occasioned him by my inconsiderate behaviour, i wept with him for some minutes in silence. 'let us no more,' resumed i, making an effort to recover myself, 'renew these impressions. i thank you sincerely for the sympathy you have manifested for my situation. i am sensible that i have yielded to weak and wayward feelings.--i have youth, health, and activity--i ought not--neither do i despair.--the mortifications i have experienced, since my residence here, will afford me a useful lesson for the future--they have already taught me, what i before merely conjectured, _the value of independence_!' 'why, then,' interrupted he with quickness, 'do you reject an opportunity of placing yourself out of the reach of insult?' 'stop, my good friend,' replied i, smilingly looking in his face; 'there is a possibility of exchanging evils. you are yet too young, and too unstable, maturely to have weighed the importance of the scheme you propose. remember, likewise, that you are, yourself, in a great measure, dependent on the will of your father; and that much reflection is requisite before we fetter ourselves with engagements, that, once entered into, are not easily dissolved.' 'you allow me, then, to hope!' 'indeed i meant not to imply any such thing. i wish to soften what i have already expressed--but, there are a variety of reasons which oblige me to assure you, that i see no probability of changing my sentiments on the subject.' 'why, then, this cruel ostentation? i would either love or hate, bless or curse you.' 'you shall do neither, if i can prevent it. if my esteem is of any value to you, you must learn to respect both me and yourself.' 'esteem!--is that to be my frigid reward!' 'if _mine_ be worthless, propose to yourself _your own_ as a recompense.' 'i have already forfeited it, by seeking to move a heart, that triumphs in its cold inflexibility.' 'is this just--is it kind? is it, indeed, _my welfare_ you seek, while you can thus add to the vexations and embarrassment, which were before sufficiently oppressive? i would preserve you from an act of precipitation and imprudence;--in return, you load me with unmerited reproaches. but it is time to put an end to a conversation, that can answer little other purpose than vain recrimination.' he was about to speak--'say no more--i feel myself, again, in danger of losing my temper--my spirits are agitated--i would not give you pain--allow me to retire, and be assured of my best wishes.' some of the family appearing in sight, as if advancing towards us, favoured my retreat. i quitted the place with precipitation, and retired to my chamber, where i sought, by employing myself, to calm the perturbation of my heart. chapter xviii in a few days i renewed my visit to mrs harley:--a strong sympathy united us, and we became almost inseparable. every day i discovered in this admirable woman a new and indissoluble tie, that bound me to her. her cultivated understanding afforded an inexhaustible fund of instruction and entertainment; and her affectionate heart spread a charm over her most indifferent actions. we read, we walked, we conversed together; but, with whatever subjects these conversations commenced, some associated idea always led them to terminate in an eulogium on the virtues and talents, or an expression of regret, for the absence of augustus. there was a portrait of him (drawn by a celebrated artist, which he had lately sent from town as a present to his mother) hung up in the library. i accustomed myself to gaze on this resemblance of a man, in whose character i felt so lively an interest, till, i fancied, i read in the features all the qualities imputed to the original by a tender and partial parent. cut off from the society of mankind, and unable to expound my sensations, all the strong affections of my soul seemed concentrated to a single point. without being conscious of it, my grateful love for mrs harley had, already, by a transition easy to be traced by a philosophic mind, transferred itself to her son. he was the st preux, the emilius of my sleeping and waking reveries. i now spent almost my whole time in the cottage of my friend, returning to morton park late in the evening, and quitting it early in the morning, and sometimes being wholly absent for weeks together. six months thus passed away in tranquillity, with but little variation. mr montague, during this period, had several times left mr morton's, and returned again abruptly: his manners became sullen, and even, at times, ferocious. i carefully avoided encountering him, fearful of exasperating a spirit, that appeared every moment on the verge of excess. hastening one evening to my friend, after a longer separation than common, (having been prevailed on by mr morton and his daughters to accompany them on a distant visit, where business of mr morton's detained us for some days) i ran into the library, as usual, and threw myself into the arms of mrs harley, that opened spontaneously to receive me. 'ah! you little truant,' said she, in a voice of kindness, 'where have you been so long? my son has visited me in your absence; he passed through this part of the country, in his way to the seat of a friend. he staid with me two days, during which i sent half a dozen messages to morton park, but you were flown away, it seems, nor could i learn any tidings of you. augustus,' continued she, without observing the emotions she excited, 'had scarcely quitted the house an hour when you arrived.' i made no reply; an unaccountable sensation seized, and oppressed, my heart--sinking on the sopha, i burst into a convulsive flood of tears. my friend was struck: all the indiscretion of her conduct (as she has since told me) flashed suddenly into her mind; she felt that, in indulging her own maternal sensations, she had, perhaps, done me an irreparable injury, and she shuddered at the probable consequences. it was some moments before either of us recovered;--our conversation was that evening, for the first time, constrained, reserved, and painful; and we retired at an early hour to our respective apartments. i spent the night in self-examination. i was compelled to acknowledge, to myself, that solitude, the absence of other impressions, the previous circumstances that had operated on my character, my friendship for mrs harley, and her eloquent, affectionate, reiterated, praises of her son, had combined to awaken all the exquisite, though dormant, sensibilities of my nature; and, however romantic it might appear to others, and did appear even to myself, i felt, that i loved an ideal object (for such was augustus harley to me) with a tender and fervent excess; an excess, perhaps, involving all my future usefulness and welfare. 'people, in general,' says rousseau, 'do not sufficiently consider the influence which the first attachments, between man and woman, have over the remainder of their lives; they do not perceive, that an impression so strong, and so lively, as that of love, is productive of a long chain of effects, which pass unobserved in a course of years, yet, nevertheless, continue to operate till the day of their deaths.' it was in vain i attempted to combat this illusion; my reason was but an auxiliary to my passion, it persuaded me, that i was only doing justice to high and uncommon worth; imagination lent her aid, and an importunate sensibility, panting after good unalloyed, completed the seduction. from this period mrs harley was more guarded in her conduct; she carefully avoided the mention of her son.--under pretence of having an alteration made in the frame, she removed his picture from the library; but the constraint she put upon herself was too evident and painful; we no longer sought, with equal ardour, an interchange of sentiment, reserve took place of the tender confidence of friendship; a thousand times, while i gazed upon her dear averted countenance, i yearned to throw myself upon her bosom, to weep, to unfold to her the inmost recesses of my mind--that ingenuous mind, which languished for communication, and preyed upon itself! dear and cruel friend, why did you transfix my heart with the barbed and envenomed arrow, and then refuse to administer the only healing balsam? my visits to mrs harley became less frequent; i shut myself up whole days in my apartment, at morton park, or wandered through its now leafless groves, absorbed in meditation--fostering the sickly sensibility of my soul, and nursing wild, improbable, chimerical, visions of felicity, that, touched by the sober wand of truth, would have 'melted into thin air.' 'the more desires i have' (observes an acute, and profound french philosopher[4]) 'the less ardent they are. the torrents that divide themselves into many branches are the least dangerous in their course. a strong passion is a solitary passion, that concentrates all our desires within one point.' [footnote 4: helvetius.] chapter xix i had not seen my friend for many days, when, on a dark and stormy night, in the month of january, between nine and ten o'clock, the family at morton park were alarmed, by a loud and violent knocking at the hall door. on opening it, a servant appeared--and a chaise, the porter having unbolted the great gates, drew up to the door. the man delivered a note addressed to miss courtney. i was unacquainted with the handwriting, and unfolded it with trepidation. it contained but a few lines, written in a female character, and signed with the name of a lady, who resided about twelve miles from morton park, at whose house mrs harley sometimes made a visit of a few days. it stated-'that my friend was seized at the mansion of this lady with an apoplectic fit, from which she had been restored, after some hours of insensibility: that the physicians were apprehensive of a relapse, and that mrs harley had expressed a desire of seeing miss courtney--a carriage and servants were sent for her conveyance.' mr morton was from home, his lady made no offer of any of her own domestics to accompany me. montague, who had been at the park for some days past, solicited permission to be my escort. i hesitated a moment, and would willingly have declined this proposal, but he repeated and enforced it with a vehemence, that, in the present hurried state of my mind, i had not spirits to oppose. shocked, alarmed, distressed, i wrapped a shawl round me, and sprang into the chaise. montague stepped in after me, and seated himself by my side; the horses galloped, or rather flew down the avenue, that led to the high road. we travelled with great swiftness, and in uninterrupted silence for some miles: the darkness was so thick and profound, that i could not discover the road we took, and i began to feel very impatient to arrive at the place of our destination. i questioned my companion respecting his knowledge of our situation, and expressed an apprehension, that we might possibly have missed the way. he made no reply to my interrogation, but, starting as if from a reverie, seized my hand, while his own trembled with a visible agitation, and began once more to urge a suit, which i had hoped the steadiness and consistency of my conduct had induced him entirely to relinquish. 'is this a time, mr montague, for an address of this nature--do you believe, that my favour is to be gained by these proofs of inconsideration? have some respect for the claims of humanity and friendship, and, in seeking my affection, do not forfeit my esteem.' he was about to reply, and i could perceive by the few words which he uttered, and by the tone of his voice, that he struggled, in vain, to rein in his quick and irascible spirit; when, in turning a sharp angle of the road, the horses took fright at some object, indistinctly seen, and ran precipitately down a steep hill, with a velocity that threatened immediate destruction. my companion, forcing open the door, seemed inclined to leap from the carriage, but hesitated, as if unwilling to desert me in so imminent a danger; i exhorted him to think only of providing for his own safety, and, letting down the glasses on the side on which i sat, i resigned myself to my fate. in springing from the chaise, by some means, montague entangled his coat in the step--he fell, without clearing it, and i felt, with a horror that congealed my blood, the wheel go over him. in a few minutes, i perceived a traveller, at the risque of his own life, endeavouring to stop the horses--the pole of the chaise striking him with great force, he was obliged to relinquish his humane efforts--but this impediment occasioning the restive animals to turn out of the road, they ran furiously up a bank, and overset the carriage. i felt it going, and sitting, with my arms folded, close in the lower corner, fell with it, without attempting to struggle, by which means i escaped unhurt. the stranger, once more, came to our assistance, and, the mettle of the horses being now pretty well exhausted, my deliverer was enabled to cut the traces, and then hastened to extricate me from my perilous situation. it was some time before i recovered myself sufficiently to thank him for his humanity, and to assure him, that i had received no other injury than from my fears. i then mentioned to him, my apprehensions for the fate of my fellow traveller, entreating that he would return with me in search of him. with this request he immediately complied, leaving the horses in the care of the servants, neither of which had received any material hurt. we soon discovered the unfortunate montague, lying in the road, in a melancholy situation: the wheel had gone over one of his legs, the bone of which was broken and splintered in a terrible manner, and, having fainted from the pain, we were at first apprehensive that he was already dead. turning from this shocking spectacle, a faint sickness overspread my heart, the stranger supported me in his arms, while a violent burst of tears preserved me from swooning. my companion examining the body, perceived signs of life, and, by our united efforts, sense and recollection were soon restored. i remained with montague while the stranger returned to the carriage, to enquire what damages it had received, and whether it was in a condition to proceed to the next village, which, the postilion informed him, was near two miles from the spot where the accident had happened, and we were, yet, five miles from the place whither we were going. the axle-tree and one of the hind wheels, upon examination, were found broken, the traces had been cut in pieces, and the horses, had the chaise been in a better condition, were so unmanageable, in consequence of their late fright, that it would have been dangerous to have attempted putting them again into harness. with this intelligence, our kind friend came back to us--we held a short consultation, on the means most proper to be adopted, and, at length it was determined, that, after placing montague in the carriage, where he should be sheltered from the inclemency of the elements, and leaving him in the charge of the servants, the traveller and myself should walk onward to the village, and send a chaise, or litter, for the conveyance of our unfortunate companion. to this proposal montague assented, at the same time, declaring it to be his intention, to proceed directly across the country, to the house of his father, which could not, he conjectured, be at any great distance, and where he should be assured of meeting with greater attention, and more skilful assistance, than at a petty inn, in a paltry village. having thus adjusted our plan, and, with the help of the servants, carefully placed montague in the chaise, we proceeded towards the village. chapter xx the night was tempestuous, and, though the moon was now rising, her light was every moment obscured by dark clouds, discharging frequent and heavy showers of rain, accompanied by furious gusts of wind. after walking near a mile we entered upon a wide heath, which afforded no shelter from the weather. i perceived my companion's steps began to grow feeble, and his voice faint. the moon suddenly emerging from a thick cloud, i observed his countenance, and methought his features seemed familiar to me; but they were overspread by a pallid and death-like hue. he stopped suddenly-'i am very ill,' said he, in a tone of voice that penetrated into my soul, 'and can proceed no further.' he sunk upon the turf. seating myself beside him, while his head fell on my shoulder, i threw around him my supporting arms. his temples were bedewed with a cold sweat, and he appeared to be in expiring agonies. a violent sickness succeeded, followed by an hemorrhage. 'gracious god!' i exclaimed, 'you have broken a blood vessel!' 'i fear so,' he replied. 'i have felt strangely disordered since the blow i received from the pole of the carriage; but, till this moment, i have not been at leisure to attend to my sensations.' 'do not talk,' cried i, wildly; 'do not exhaust yourself.' again the clouds gathered; an impetuous gust of wind swept over the heath, and the rain fell in torrents. unconscious of what i did, i clasped the stranger to my throbbing bosom,--the coldness of death seemed upon him--i wrapped my shawl around him, vainly attempting to screen him from the piercing blast. he spake not; my terrified imagination already represented him as a lifeless corpse; i sat motionless for some minutes, in the torpor of despair. from this horrible situation, i was, at length, roused, by the sound of a distant team: breathless, i listened for a few moments; i again distinctly heard it wafted upon the wind; when, gently reclining my charge on the grass, i started from the ground, and ran swiftly towards the highway. the sound approached, and the clouds once more breaking, and discovering a watery moon-light gleam, i perceived, with joy, a waggon loaded with hay. i bounded over a part of the turf that still separated me from the road, and accosting the driver, explained to him, in a few words, as much of my situation as was necessary; and, entreating his assistance, allured him by the hope of a reward. we returned to my patient; he raised his head on my approach, and attempted to speak; but, enjoining him silence, he took my hand, and, by a gentle pressure, expressed his sense of my cares more eloquently than by words. i assisted the countryman in supporting him to the road. we prepared for him, in the waggon, a soft bed of hay, upon which we placed him; and, resting his head on my lap, we proceeded gently to the nearest village. on our arrival at an indifferent inn, i ordered a bed to be immediately prepared for him, and sent a man and horse express, to the next town, for medical assistance: at the same time, relating in brief the accidents of the night, i dispatched a carriage for the relief of montague, who was conveyed, according to his wishes, to the house of his father. notwithstanding all my precautions, the moving brought on a relapse of the alarming symptoms; the discharge of blood returned with aggravated violence, and, when the physician arrived, there appeared in the unfortunate sufferer but little signs of life; but by the application of styptics and cordials he once more began to revive; and, about five in the morning, i was prevailed on, by the joint efforts of the landlady and the humane dr----, to resign my seat at the bed's head to a careful servant, and to recruit my exhausted strength by a few hours' repose. the vivid impressions, which had so rapidly succeeded each other in my mind, for some time kept me waking, in a state of feverish agitation; but my harrassed spirits were at length relieved by wearied nature's kind restorer, and i slept for four hours profoundly. on waking, my first enquiry was after my companion, in whose state i felt an unusual degree of interest; and i heard, with pleasure, that the hemorrhage had not returned; that he had rested with apparent tranquillity, and appeared revived. i dressed myself hastily, and passed into his apartment: he faintly smiled on perceiving my approach, and gave me his hand.--the physician had ordered him to be kept quiet, and i would not suffer him to speak; but, contemplating more attentively his countenance, which had the night before struck me with a confused recollection--what were my emotions, on tracing the beloved features of augustus harley! his resemblance, not only to the portrait, but to his mother, could not, as i thought, be mistaken. a universal trembling seized me--i hastened out of the apartment with tottering steps, and shutting myself into my chamber, a tide of melancholy emotions gushed upon my heart. i wept, without knowing wherefore, tears half delicious, half agonizing! quickly coming to myself, i returned to the chamber of my patient, (now more tenderly endeared) which, officiating as a nurse for five days, i never quitted, except to take necessary rest and refreshment. i had written to mr morton a minute account of all that happened, merely suppressing the name of my deliverer: to this letter i received no reply; but had the pleasure of hearing, on the return of my messenger (who was commissioned to make enquiries), that mrs harley had suffered no return of her disorder, and was daily acquiring health and strength--i feared, yet, to acquaint her with the situation of her son; not only on the account of her own late critical situation, but, also, lest any sudden agitation of spirits from the arrival of his mother, might, in his present weak state, be fatal to augustus. i now redoubled for him my cares and attentions: he grew hourly better; and, when permitted to converse, expressed in lively terms his grateful sense of my kindness. ah! why did i misconstrue these emotions, so natural in such circumstances--why did i flatter my heart with the belief of a sympathy which did not, could not, exist! chapter xxi as my patient began to acquire strength, i demanded of him his name and family, that i might inform his friends of his situation. on his answering 'harley,' i enquired, smiling-if he remembered hearing his mother speak of a little _protegé_, emma courtney, whom she favoured with her partial friendship? 'oh, yes!'--and his curiosity had been strongly awakened to procure a sight of this lady. 'behold her, then, in your nurse!' 'is it possible!' he exclaimed, taking my hand, and pressing it with his lips--'my sister!--my friend!--how shall i ever pay the debt i owe you?' 'we will settle that matter another time; but it is now become proper that i should inform your excellent mother of what has happened, which i have hitherto delayed, lest surprise should be prejudicial to you, and retard your recovery.' i then recounted to him the particulars of the late occurrences, of which he had before but a confused notion; adding my surprise, that i had neither seen, nor heard, any thing from mr morton. he informed me, in his turn, that, having received an express, informing him of his mother's alarming situation, he immediately quitted the seat of his friend, where he was on a visit, to hasten to her; that, for this purpose, riding late, he by some means bewildered himself through the darkness of the evening, by which mistake he encountered our chaise, and he hoped was, in some measure, notwithstanding the accidents which ensued, accessary to my preservation. i quitted him to write to my friend, whom i, at length, judged it necessary to acquaint with his situation. on the receipt of my letter, she flew to us on the wings of maternal tenderness--folded her beloved augustus, and myself, alternately to her affectionate bosom, calling us 'her children--her darling children!--i was her guardian angel--_the preserver of her son!_--and _he_ only could repay my goodness!' i ventured to raise my eyes to him--they met his--mine were humid with tears of tenderness: a cloud passed over his brow--he entreated his mother to restrain her transports--he was yet too enfeebled to bear these emotions. she recollected herself in an instant; and, after again embracing him, leaning on my arm, walked out into the air, to relieve the tumultuous sensations that pressed upon her heart. once more she made me recite, minutely, the late events--strained me in her arms, repeatedly calling me-'her beloved daughter--the meritorious child of her affections--the preserver of her augustus!' every word she uttered sunk deep into my soul, that greedily absorbed the delicious poison, prepared for me by the cruel hand of more than maternal fondness. i mentioned to her my having written to mr morton, and my astonishment at his silence. he had not yet returned, she informed me, to morton park; and intimated, that some malicious stories, respecting my sudden disappearance, had been circulated by mrs morton through the neighbourhood. she had herself been under extreme solicitude on my account. it was generally believed, from the turn mrs morton's malice had given to the affair, that i had eloped with mr montague:--the accident which had befallen him had been rumoured; but the circumstances, and the occasion of it, had been variously related. confiding in my principles, she had waited with anxiety for the elucidation of these mysterious accounts; lamenting herself as the innocent occasion of them, yet assured they would, eventually, prove to my honour. she commended the magnanimity, which her partial friendship imputed to my behaviour, with all the enthusiasm of affection, and execrated the baseness of mrs morton, who, having received my letter, must have been acquainted with the real truth. her narration gave me many complicated, and painful, sensations; but the good opinion of the world, however desirable it may be, as connected with our utility, has ever been with me but a secondary consideration. confiding in the rectitude of my own conduct, i composed my spirits; depending on that rectitude, and time, for removing the malignant aspersions which at present clouded my fame. the tale of slander, the basis of which is falsehood, will quietly wear away; and should it not--how unfounded, frequently, are the censures of the world--how confused its judgments! i entreated my friend to say nothing, at present, to her son on this subject; it was yet of importance that his mind should be kept still and tranquil. we rejoined augustus at the dinner hour, and spent the day together in harmony and friendship. the physician calling in the evening, mrs harley consulted him, whether it would be safe to remove her son, as she was impatient to have him under her own roof. to this the doctor made no objection, provided he was conveyed in an easy carriage, and by short stages. on mrs harley's thanking him for his polite and humane attention to his patient, smilingly pointing to me, he replied--'her thanks were misplaced.' his look was arch and significant; it called a glow into my cheeks. i ventured, once more, to steal a glance at augustus: his features were again overspread with a more than usual seriousness, while his eyes seemed designedly averted. mrs harley sighed, and, abruptly changing the subject, asked the physician an indifferent question, who soon after took his leave. chapter xxii in a few days we returned to the peaceful mansion of my maternal friend. augustus seemed revived by the little journey, while every hour brought with it an increase of health and spirits. mrs harley would not suffer me to speak of going to morton park in the absence of its master; neither could augustus spare his kind nurse:--'i must stay,' he added, and methought his accents were softened, 'and complete my charitable purpose.' my appearance again in the village, the respectability, and the testimony, of my friends, cleared my fame; and it was only at morton park, that any injurious suspicions were affected to be entertained. the hours flew on downy pinions:--my new _brother_, for so he would call himself, endeavoured to testify his gratitude, by encouraging and assisting me in the pursuit of learning and science: he gave us lectures on astronomy and philosophy- 'while truths divine came mended from his tongue.' i applied myself to the languages, and aided by my preceptor, attained a general knowledge of the principles, and philosophy, of criticism and grammar, and of the rules of composition. every day brought with it the acquisition of some new truth; and our intervals from study were employed in music, in drawing, in conversation, in reading the _belles lettres_--in- 'the feast of reason, and the flow of souls.' the spring was advancing:--we now made little excursions, either on horseback, in a chaise, or in a boat on the river, through the adjacent country. the fraternal relation, which augustus had assumed, banished restraint, and assisted me in deceiving myself. i drank in large and intoxicating draughts of a delicious poison, that had circulated through every vein to my heart, before i was aware of its progress. at length, part of a conversation, which i accidentally overheard between mrs harley and her son, recalled me to a temporary recollection. i was seeking them in the garden, towards the dusk of the evening, and a filbert hedge separated us. i heard the voice of my friend, as speaking earnestly, and i unconsciously stopped. 'it would be a comfort to my declining years to see you the husband of a woman of virtue and sensibility: domestic affections meliorate the heart; no one ought to live wholly to himself.' 'certainly not, neither does any one; but, in the present state of society, there are many difficulties and anxieties attending these connections: they are a lottery, and the prizes are few. i think, perhaps, nearly with you, but my situation is, _in many respects, a peculiar one_,'--and he sighed deeply:--need i enumerate these peculiarities to you? neither do i pretend to have lived so long in the world without imbibing many of its prejudices, and catching the contagion of its habits.' 'they are unworthy of you.' 'perhaps so--but we will, if you please, change the subject; this to me is not a pleasant one. what is become of my pupil? it is likely to be a clear night; let us go in, and prepare for some astronomical observations.' my heart reproved me for listening, i crept back to my chamber--shed one tear--heaved a convulsive, struggling, sigh--breathed on my handkerchief, applied it to my eyes, and joined my friends in the library. four months had rapidly passed--'the spot of azure in the cloudy sky'--of my destiny. mr morton, i was informed, had returned to the park, and augustus, whose health was now thoroughly restored, talked of quitting the country. i advised with my friends, who agreed with me, that it was now become proper for me to visit my uncle, and, explaining to him the late events, justify my conduct. mrs harley and her son offered to accompany me; but this, for many reasons, i declined; taking my leave of them with a heavy heart, and promising, if i were not kindly received, an immediate return. chapter xxiii on my arrival at mr morton's, the porter informed me, he was ordered by his lady, to deny my entrance. my swelling heart!--a sentiment of indignation distended it almost to suffocation.--at this moment, anne tripped lightly through the court-yard, and, seeing me, ran to embrace me. i returned her caresses with warmth. 'ah!' said she, 'you are not, you cannot be, guilty. i have been longing to see you, and to hear all that has happened, but it was not permitted me.' she added, in a whisper, 'i cannot love my mother, for she torments and restrains me--my desire of liberty is stronger than my duty--but i shall one day be able to outwit her.' 'will not your father, my love, allow me to speak with him? i have a right to be heard, and i demand his attention.' 'he is in his dressing-room,' said ann, 'i will slide softly, to him, and tell him you are here.' away she flew, and one of the footmen presently returned, to conduct me to his master. i found him alone, he received me with a grave and severe aspect. i related to him, circumstantially, the occurrences which had taken place during his absence. my words, my voice, my manner, were emphatic--animated with the energy of truth--they extorted, they commanded, they, irresistibly, compelled assent. his features softened, his eyes glistened, he held out his hand, he was about to speak--he hesitated a moment, and sighed. at this instant, mrs morton burst into the room, with the aspect of a fury--her bloated countenance yet more swelled and hideous--i shrunk back involuntarily--she poured forth a torrent of abuse and invective. a momentary recollection reassured me--waiting till she had exhausted her breath, i turned from her, and to her husband, with calm dignity-'i thank you, sir, for all the kindness i have received from you--i am convinced you do me justice--_for this i do not thank you_, it was a duty to which i had a claim, and which you owed, not only to me, but, to yourself. my longer continuance in this house, i feel, would be improper. for the present, i return to mrs harley's, where i shall respectfully receive, and maturely weigh, any counsels with which you may in future think proper to favour me.' mr morton bowed his head; poor man! his mild spirit was overborne, he dared not assert the dictates of his own reason. i hurried out of the apartment, and hastily embracing ann, who awaited me in the hall, charging myself with a hundred kisses for mrs harley, i took the way to the hospitable mansion of my friend. i had proceeded about half a mile, when i beheld augustus, advancing towards me; he observed my tremulous emotions, and pallid countenance; he took my hand, holding it with a gentle pressure, and, throwing his other arm round me, supported my faultering steps. his voice was the voice of kindness--his words spake assurance, and breathed hope--_fallacious hope!_--my heart melted within me--my tremor encreased--i dissolved into tears. 'a deserted outcast from society--a desolate orphan--what was to become of me--to whom could i fly?' 'unjust girl! have i then forfeited all your confidence--have you not a mother and a friend, who love you--' he stopped--paused--and added 'with maternal, with _fraternal_, tenderness? to whom would you go?--remain with us, your society will cheer my mother's declining years'--again he hesitated,--'i am about to return to town, assure me, that you will continue with mrs harley--it will soften the pain of separation.' i struggled for more fortitude--hinted at the narrowness of my fortune--at my wish to exert my talents in some way, that should procure me a less dependent situation--spoke of my active spirit--of my abhorrence of a life of indolence and vacuity. he insisted on my waving these subjects for the present. 'there would be time enough, in future, for their consideration. in the mean while, i might go on improving myself, and whether present or absent, might depend upon him, for every assistance in his power.' his soothing kindness, aided by the affectionate attentions of my friend, gradually, lulled my mind into tranquillity. my bosom was agitated, only, by a slight and sweet emotion--like the gentle undulations of the ocean, when the winds, that swept over its ruffled surface, are hushed into repose. chapter xxiv another month passed away--every hour, i imbibed, in large draughts, the deceitful poison of hope. a few days before that appointed for the departure of augustus, i received a visit from mr montague, of whose situation, during his confinement, i had made many enquiries, and it was with unaffected pleasure that i beheld him perfectly restored to health. i introduced him to my friends, who congratulated him upon his recovery, and treated him with that polite and cordial hospitality which characterized them. he was on his way to morton park, and was particular in his enquiries respecting the late conduct of the lady of the mansion, of which he had heard some confused reports. i could not conceal from him our final separation, but, aware of his inflammable temper, i endeavoured to soften my recital as far as was consistent with truth and justice. it was with difficulty, that our united persuasions induced him to restrain his fiery spirit, which broke out into menaces and execrations. i represented to him-'that every thing had been already explained; that the affair had now subsided; that a reconciliation was neither probable nor desirable; that any interference, on his part, would only tend to mutual exasperation, from which i must eventually be the sufferer.' i extorted from him a promise--that, as he was necessitated to meet mr morton on business, he would make no allusions to the past--i should be mortified, (i added) by having it supposed, that i stood in need of a _champion_.--mr morton had no doubts of the rectitude of my conduct, and it would be barbarous to involve him in a perpetual domestic warfare. mr montague, at the request of augustus, spent that day, and the next, with us. i thought, i perceived, that he regarded mr harley with a scrutinizing eye, and observed my respect for, and attention to, him, with jealous apprehension. before his departure, he requested half an hour's conversation with me alone, with which request i immediately complied, and withdrew with him into an adjoining compartment. he informed me-'that he was going to london to pursue his medical studies--that, on his return, his father had proposed to establish him in his profession--that his prospects were very favourable, and that he should esteem himself completely happy if he might, yet, hope to soften my heart in his favour, and to place me in a more assured and tranquil position.' i breathed a heavy sigh, and sunk into a melancholy reverie. 'speak to me, emma,' said he, with impatience, 'and relieve the anxiety i suffer.' 'alas! what can i say?' 'say, that you will try to love me, that you will reward my faith and perseverance.' 'would to god, i could'--i hesitated--my eyes filled with tears--'go to london,' resumed i; 'a thousand new objects will there quickly obliterate from your remembrance a romantic and ill-fated attachment, to which retirement, and the want of other impression, has given birth, and which owes its strength merely to opposition.' 'as that opposition,' retorted he, 'is the offspring of pride and insensibility--' i looked at him with a mournful air--'do not reproach me, montague, my situation is far more pitiable than yours. _i am, indeed, unhappy_,' --added i, after a pause; 'i, like you, am the victim of a raised, of, i fear, a distempered imagination.' he eagerly entreated me to explain myself. 'i will not attempt to deceive you--i should accuse myself, were i to preserve any sentiment, however delicate its nature, that might tend to remove your present illusion. it is, i confess, with extreme reluctance--with real pain'--i trembled--my voice faultered, and i felt my colour vary--'that i constrain myself to acknowledge a hopeless, an extravagant'--i stopped, unable to proceed. fire flashed from his eyes, he started from his seat, and took two or three hasty strides across the room. 'i understand you, but too well--augustus harley shall dispute with me a prize'-'stop, sir, be not unjust--make not an ungenerous return to the confidence i have reposed in you. respect the violence which, on your account, i have done to my own feelings. i own, that i have not been able to defend my heart against the accomplishments and high qualities of mr harley--i respected his virtues and attainments, and, by a too easy transition--at length--_loved his person_. but my tenderness is a secret to all the world but yourself--it has not met with'--a burning blush suffused my cheek--'it has little hope of meeting, a return. to your _honor_ i have confided this cherished _secret_--dare you betray my confidence? i know, you dare not!' he seemed affected--his mind appeared torn by a variety of conflicting emotions, that struggled for victory--he walked towards me, and again to the door, several times. i approached him--i gave him my hand-'adieu, montague,' said i, in a softened accent--'be assured of my sympathy--of my esteem--of my best wishes! when you can meet me with calmness, i shall rejoice to see you--_as a friend_. amidst some excesses, i perceive the seeds of real worth in your character, cultivate them, they may yield a noble harvest. i shall not be forgetful of the distinction you have shewn me, _when almost a deserted orphan_--once again--farewel, my friend, and--may god bless you!' i precipitately withdrew my hand from his, and rushed out of the room. i retired to my chamber, and it was some hours before my spirits became sufficiently composed to allow me to rejoin my friends. on meeting them, mrs harley mentioned, with some surprize, the abrupt departure of montague, who had quitted the house, without taking leave of its owners, by whom he had been so politely received. 'he is a fine young man,' added she, 'but appears to be very eccentric.' augustus was silent, but fixed his penetrating eyes on my face, with an expression that covered me with confusion. chapter xxv the day fixed for the departure of mr harley, for london, now drew near--i had anticipated this period with the most cruel inquietude. i was going to lose, perhaps for ever, my preceptor, my friend! he, from whom my mind had acquired knowledge, and in whose presence my heart had rested satisfied. i had hitherto scarcely formed a wish beyond that of daily beholding, and listening to him--i was now to gaze on that beloved countenance, to listen to those soothing accents, no longer. he was about to mix in the gay world--to lose in the hurry of business, or of pleasure, the remembrance of those tender, rational, tranquil, moments, sacred to virtue and friendship, that had left an indelible impression on my heart. could i, indeed, flatter myself, that the idea of the timid, affectionate, emma, would ever recur to his mind in the tumultuous scenes of the crouded metropolis, it would doubtless quickly be effaced, and lost in the multiplicity of engagements and avocations. how should i, buried in solitude and silence, recall it to his recollection, how contrive to mingle it with his thoughts, and entangle it with his associations? ah! did he but know my tenderness--_the desire of being beloved_, of inspiring sympathy, is congenial to the human heart--why should i hesitate to inform him of my affection--why do i blush and tremble at the mere idea? it is a false shame! it is a pernicious system of morals, which teaches us that hypocrisy can be virtue! he is well acquainted with the purity, and with the sincerity, of my heart--he will at least regard me with esteem and tender pity--and how often has 'pity melted the soul to love!' the experiment is, surely, innocent, and little hazardous. what i have to apprehend? can i distrust, for a moment, those principles of rectitude, of honour, of goodness, which gave birth to my affection? have i not witnessed his humanity, have i not experienced his delicacy, in a thousand instances? though he should be obliged to wound, he is incapable of insulting, the heart that loves him; and that, loving him, believed, alas! for a long time, _that it loved only virtue_! the morning of our separation, at last, arrived. my friend, too much indisposed to attend the breakfast table, took leave of her son in her own apartment. i awaited him, in the library, with a beating heart, and, on his departure, put into his hands a paper.-'read it not,' said i, in a low and almost inarticulate tone of voice, 'till arrived at the end of your journey; or, at least, till you are ten miles from hence.' he received it in silence; but it was a silence more expressive than words. 'suffer me,' it said, 'for a few moments, to solicit your candour and attention. you are the only man in the world, to whom i could venture to confide sentiments, that to many would be inconceivable; and by those, who are unacquainted with the human mind, and the variety of circumstances by which characters are variously impressed and formed--who are accustomed to consider mankind in masses--who have been used to bend implicitly, to custom and prescription--the deviation of a solitary individual from _rules_ sanctioned by usage, by prejudice, by expediency, would be regarded as romantic. i frankly avow, while my cheeks glow with the blushes of _modesty_, not of shame, that your virtues and accomplishments have excited in my bosom an affection, as pure as the motives which gave it birth, and as animated as it is pure.--this ingenuous avowal may perhaps affect, but will scarcely (i suspect) surprise, you; for, incapable of dissimulation, the emotions of my mind are ever but too apparent in my expressions, and in my conduct, to deceive a less penetrating eye than yours--neither have i been solicitous to disguise them. 'it has been observed, that,' "the strength of an affection is generally in the same proportion, as the character of the species, in the object beloved, is lost in that of the individual,"[5] and, that individuality of character is the only fastener of the affections. it is certain, however singular it may appear, that many months before we became personally acquainted, the report of your worth and high qualities had generated in my mind, an esteem and reverence, which has gradually ripened into a tenderness, that has, at length, mixed itself with all my associations, and is become interwoven with every fibre of my heart. [footnote 5: wolstonecraft's rights of woman.] 'i have reflected, again and again, on the imprudence of cherishing an attachment, which a variety of circumstances combine to render so unpromising, and--what shall i say?--so peculiar is the constitution of my mind, that those very circumstances have had a tendency directly opposite to what might reasonably have been expected; and have only served to render the sentiment, i have delighted to foster, more affecting and interesting.--yes! i am aware of the tenure upon which you retain your fortunes--of the cruel and unnatural conditions imposed on you by the capricious testator: neither can i require a sacrifice which i am unable to recompence. but while these melancholy convictions deprive me of hope, they encourage me, by proving the disinterestedness of my attachment, to relieve my heart by communication.--mine is a whimsical pride, which dreads nothing so much as the imputation of sordid, or sinister motives. remember, then--should we never meet again--if in future periods you should find, that the friendship of the world is--"a shade that follows wealth and fame;"--if, where you have conferred obligations, you are repaid with ingratitude--where you have placed confidence, with treachery--and where you have a claim to zeal, with coldness! remember, _that you have once been beloved, for yourself alone_, by one, who, in contributing to the comfort of your life, would have found the happiness of her own. 'is it possible that a mind like yours, neither hardened by prosperity, nor debased by fashionable levity--which vice has not corrupted, nor ignorance brutalized--can be wholly insensible to the balmy sweetness, which natural, unsophisticated, affections, shed through the human heart? "shall those by heaven's own influence join'd, by feeling, sympathy, and mind, the sacred voice of truth deny, and mock the mandate of the sky?" 'but i check my pen:--i am no longer- "the hope-flush'd enterer on the stage of life." 'the dreams of youth, chaced by premature reflection, have given place to soberer, to sadder, conclusions; and while i acknowledge, that it would be inexpressibly soothing to me to believe, that in happier circumstances, my artless affection might have awakened in your mind a sympathetic tenderness:--this is the extent of my hopes!--i recollect you once told me "it was our duty to make our reason conquer the sensibility of our heart." yet, why? is, then, apathy the perfection of our nature--and is not that nature refined and harmonized by the gentle and social affections? the being who gave to the mind its reason, gave also to the heart its sensibility. 'i make no apologies for, because i feel no consciousness of, weakness. an attachment sanctioned by nature, reason, and virtue, ennoble the mind capable of conceiving and cherishing it: of such an attachment a corrupt heart is utterly incapable. 'you may tell me, perhaps, "that the portrait on which my fancy has dwelt enamoured, owes all its graces, its glowing colouring--like the ideal beauty of the ancient artists--to the imagination capable of sketching the dangerous picture."--allowing this, for a moment, _the sentiments it inspires are not the less genuine_; and without some degree of illusion, and enthusiasm, all that refines, exalts, softens, embellishes, life--genius, virtue, love itself, languishes. but, on this subject, my opinions have not been lightly formed:--it is not to the personal graces, though "the body charms, because the mind is seen," but to the virtues and talents of the individual (for without intellect, virtue is an empty name), that my heart does homage; and, were i never again to behold you--were you even the husband of another--my tenderness (a tenderness as innocent as it is lively) would never cease! 'but, methinks, i hear you say,--"whither does all this tend, and what end does it propose?" alas! this is a question i scarcely dare to ask myself!--yet, allow me to request, that you will make me one promise, and resolve me one question:--ah! do not evade this enquiry; for much it imports me to have an explicit reply, lest, in indulging my own feelings, i should, unconsciously, plant a thorn in the bosom of another:--_is your heart, at present, free?_ or should you, in future, form a tender engagement, tell me, that i shall receive the first intimation of it from yourself; and, in the assurance of your happiness, i will learn to forget my own. 'i aspire to no higher title than that of the most faithful of your friends, and the wish of becoming worthy of your esteem and confidence shall afford me a motive for improvement. i will learn of you moderation, equanimity, and self-command, and you will, perhaps, continue to afford me direction, and assistance, in the pursuit of knowledge and truth. 'i have laid down my pen, again and again, and still taken it up to add something more, from an anxiety, lest even you, of whose delicacy i have experienced repeated proofs, should misconstrue me.--"oh! what a world is this!--into what false habits has it fallen! can hypocrisy be virtue? can a desire to call forth all the best affections of the heart, be misconstrued into something too degrading for expression?"[6] but i will banish these apprehensions; i am convinced they are injurious. 'yes!--i repeat it--i relinquish my pen with reluctance. a melancholy satisfaction, from what source i can scarcely define, diffuses itself through my heart while i unfold to you its emotions.--write to me; be _ingenuous_; i desire, i call for, truth! 'emma.' [footnote 6: holcroft's anna st ives.] chapter xxvi i had not courage to make my friend a confident of the step i had taken; so wild, and so romantic, did it appear, even to myself--a false pride, a false shame, with-held me. i brooded in silence over the sentiment, that preyed on the bosom which cherished it. every morning dawned with expectation, and every evening closed in disappointment. i walked daily to the post-office, with precipitate steps and a throbbing heart, to enquire for letters, but in vain; and returned slow, dejected, spiritless. _hope_, one hour, animated my bosom and flushed my cheek; the next, pale despair shed its torpid influence through my languid frame. inquietude, at length, gradually gave place to despondency, and i sunk into lassitude. my studies no longer afforded me any pleasure. i turned over my books, incapable of fixing my attention; took out my drawings, threw them aside; moved, restless and dissatisfied, from seat to seat; sought, with unconscious steps, the library, and, throwing myself on the sopha, with folded arms, fixed my eyes on the picture of augustus, which had lately been replaced, and sunk into waking dreams of ideal perfection and visionary bliss. i gazed on the lifeless features, engraven on my heart in colours yet more true and vivid--but where was the benignant smile, the intelligent glance, the varying expression? where the pleasant voice, whose accents had been melody in my ear; that had cheered me in sadness, dispelled the vapours of distrust and melancholy, and awakened my emulation for science and improvement? starting from a train of poignant and distressing emotions, i fled from an apartment once so dear, presenting now but the ghosts of departed pleasures--fled into the woods, and buried myself in their deepest recesses; or, shutting myself in my chamber, avoided the sight of my friend, whose dejected countenance but the more forcibly reminded me- 'that such things were, and were most dear.' in this state of mind, looking one day over my papers, without any known end in view, i accidentally opened a letter from mr francis (with whom i still continued, occasionally, to correspond), which i had recently received. i eagerly seized, and re-perused, it. my spirits were weakened; the kindness which it expressed affected me--it touched my heart--it excited my tears. i determined instantly to reply to it, and to acknowledge my sense of his goodness. my mind was overwhelmed with the pressure of its own thoughts; a gleam of joy darted through the thick mists that pervaded it; communication would relieve the burthen. i took up my pen; and, though i dared not betray the fatal secret concealed, as a sacred treasure, in the bottom of my heart, i yet gave a loose to, i endeavoured to paint, its sensations. after briefly sketching the events that had driven me from morton park (of which i had not hitherto judged it necessary to inform him), without hinting the name of my deliverer, or suffering myself to dwell on the services he had rendered me, i mentioned my present temporary residence at the house of a friend, and expressed an impatience at my solitary, inactive, situation. i went on- 'to what purpose should i trouble you with a thousand wayward, contradictory, ideas and emotions, that i am, myself, unable to disentangle--which have, perhaps, floated in every mind, that has had leisure for reflection--which are distinguished by no originality, and which i may express (though not feel) without force? i sought to cultivate my understanding, and exercise my reason, that, by adding variety to my resources, i might increase the number of my enjoyments: for _happiness_ is, surely, the only desirable _end_ of existence! but when i ask myself, whether i am yet nearer to the end proposed?--i dare not deceive myself--sincerity obliges me to answer in the negative. i daily perceive the gay and the frivolous, among my sex, amused with every passing trifle; gratified by the insipid _routine_ of heartless, mindless, intercourse; fully occupied, alternately, by domestic employment, or the childish vanity of varying external ornaments, and "hanging drapery on a smooth block." i do not affect to despise, and i regularly practise, the necessary avocations of my sex; neither am i superior to their vanities. the habits acquired by early precept and example adhere tenaciously; and are never, perhaps, entirely eradicated. but all these are insufficient to engross, to satisfy, the active, aspiring, mind. hemmed in on every side by the constitutions of society, and not less so, it may be, by my own prejudices--i perceive, indignantly perceive, the magic circle, without knowing how to dissolve the powerful spell. while men pursue interest, honor, pleasure, as accords with their several dispositions, women, who have too much delicacy, sense, and spirit, to degrade themselves by the vilest of all interchanges, remain insulated beings, and must be content tamely to look on, without taking any part in the great, though often absurd and tragical, drama of life. hence the eccentricities of conduct, with which women of superior minds have been accused--the struggles, the despairing though generous struggles, of an ardent spirit, denied a scope for its exertions! the strong feelings, and strong energies, which properly directed, in a field sufficiently wide, might--ah! what might they not have aided? forced back, and pent up, ravage and destroy the mind which gave them birth! 'yes, i confess, _i am unhappy_, unhappy in proportion as i believe myself (it may be, erringly) improved. philosophy, it is said, should regulate the feelings, but it has added fervor to mine! what are passions, but another name for powers? the mind capable of receiving the most forcible impressions is the sublimely improveable mind! yet, into whatever trains such minds are accidentally directed, they are prone to enthusiasm, while the vulgar stupidly wonder at the effects of powers, to them wholly inconceivable: the weak and the timid, easily discouraged, are induced, by the first failure, to relinquish their pursuits. "they make the impossibility they fear!" but the bold and the persevering, from repeated disappointment, derive only new ardor and activity. "they conquer difficulties, by daring to attempt them." 'i feel, that i am writing in a desultory manner, that i am unable to crowd my ideas into the compass of a letter, and, that could i do so, i should perhaps only weary you. there are but few persons to whom i would venture to complain, few would understand, and still fewer sympathise with me. you are in health, they would say, in the spring of life, have every thing supplied you without labour (so much the worse) nature, reason, open to you their treasures! all this is, partly, true--but, with inexpressible yearnings, my soul pants for something more, something higher! the morning rises upon me with sadness, and the evening closes with disgust--imperfection, uncertainty, is impressed on every object, on every pursuit! i am either restless or torpid, i seek to-day, what to-morrow, wearies and offends me. 'i entered life, flushed with hope--i have proceeded but a few steps, and the parterre of roses, viewed in distant prospect, nearer seen, proves a brake of thorns. the few worthy persons i have known appear, to me, to be struggling with the same half suppressed emotions.--whence is all this? why is intellect and virtue so far from conferring happiness? why is the active mind a prey to the incessant conflict between truth and error? shall i look beyond the disorders which, _here_, appear to me so inexplicable?--shall i expect, shall i demand, from the inscrutable being to whom i owe my existence, in future unconceived periods, the _end_ of which i believe myself capable, and which capacity, like a tormenting _ignis fatuus_, has hitherto served only to torture and betray? the animal rises up to satisfy the cravings of nature, and lies down to repose, undisturbed by care--has man superior powers, only to make him pre-eminently wretched?--wretched, it seems to me, in proportion as he rises? assist me, in disentangling my bewildered ideas--write to me--reprove me--spare me not! 'emma.' to this letter i quickly received a kind and consolatory reply, though not unmingled with the reproof i called for. it afforded me but a temporary relief, and i once more sunk into inanity; my faculties rusted for want of exercise, my reason grew feeble, and my imagination morbid. chapter xxvii a pacquet of letters, at length, arrived from london--mrs harley, with a look that seemed to search the soul, put one into my hands--the superscription bore the well known characters--yes, it was from augustus, and addressed to emma--i ran, with it, into my chamber, locked myself in, tore it almost asunder with a tremulous hand, perused its contents with avidity--scarce daring to respire--i reperused it again and again. 'i had trusted my confessions' (it said) 'to one who had made the human heart his study, who could not be affected by them improperly. it spoke of the illusions of the passions--of the false and flattering medium through which they presented objects to our view. he had answered my letter earlier, had it not involved him in too many thoughts to do it with ease. there was a great part of it to which he knew not how to reply--perhaps, on some subjects, it was not necessary to be explicit. and now, it may be, he had better be silent--he was dissatisfied with what he had written, but, were he to write again, he doubted if he should please himself any better.--he was highly flattered by the favourable opinion i entertained of him, it was a grateful proof, not of his merit, but of the warmth of my friendship, &c. &c.' this letter appeared to me vague, obscure, enigmatical. unsatisfied, disappointed, i felt, i had little to hope--and, yet, had no _distinct_ ground of fear. i brooded over it, i tortured its meaning into a hundred forms--i spake of it to my friend, but in general terms, in which she seemed to acquiesce: she appeared to have made a determination, not to enquire after what i was unwilling to disclose; she wholly confided both in my principles, and in those of her son: i was wounded by what, entangled in prejudice, i conceived to be a necessity for this reserve. again i addressed the man, whose image, in the absence of all other impressions, i had suffered to gain in my mind this dangerous ascendency. to augustus harley. 'i, once more, take up my pen with a mind so full of thought, that i foresee i am about to trespass on your time and patience--yet, perhaps, to one who makes "the human heart his study," it may not be wholly uninteresting to trace a faithful delineation of the emotions and sentiments of an ingenuous, uncorrupted, mind--a mind formed by solitude, and habits of reflection, to some strength of character. 'if to have been more guarded and reserved would have been more discreet, i have already forfeited all claim to this discretion--to affect it now, would be vain, and, by pursuing a middle course, i should resign the only advantage i may ever derive from my sincerity, the advantage of expressing my thoughts and feelings with freedom. 'the conduct, which i have been led to adopt, has been the result of a combination of peculiar circumstances, _and is not what i would recommend to general imitation_--to say nothing of the hazards it might involve, i am aware, generally speaking, arguments might be adduced, to prove, that certain customs, of which i, yet, think there is reason to complain, may not have been unfounded in nature--i am led to speak thus, because i am not willing to spare myself, but would alledge all which you might have felt inclined to hint, had you not been with-held by motives of delicate consideration. 'of what then, you may ask, do i complain?--not of the laws of nature! but when mind has given dignity to natural affections; when reason, culture, taste, and delicacy, have combined to chasten, to refine, to exalt (shall i say) to sanctity them--is there, then, no cause to complain of rigor and severity, that such minds must either passively submit to a vile traffic, or be content to relinquish all the endearing sympathies of life? nature has formed woman peculiarly susceptible of the tender affections. "the voice of nature is too strong to be silenced by artificial precepts." to feel these affections in a supreme degree, a mind enriched by literature and expanded by fancy and reflection, is necessary--for it is intellect and imagination only, that can give energy and interest to- "the thousand soft sensations- which vulgar souls want faculties to taste, who take their good and evil in the gross." 'i wish we were in the vehicular state, and that you understood the sentient language;[7] you might then comprehend the whole of what i mean to express, but find too delicate for _words_. but i do you injustice. [footnote 7: see light of nature pursued. an entertaining philosophical work.] 'if the affections are, indeed, generated by sympathy, where the principles, pursuits, and habits, are congenial--where the _end_, sought to be attained, is- "something, than beauty dearer," 'you may, perhaps, agree with me, that it is almost indifferent on which side the sentiment originates. yet, i confess, my frankness has involved me in many after thoughts and inquietudes; inquietudes, which all my reasoning is, at times, insufficient to allay. the shame of being singular, it has been justly observed,[8] requires strong principles, and much native firmness of temper, to surmount.--those who deviate from the beaten track must expect to be entangled in the thicket, and wounded by many a thorn--my wandering feet have already been deeply pierced. [footnote 8: aikin's letters.] 'i should vainly attempt to describe the struggles, the solicitudes, the doubts, the apprehensions, that alternately rend my heart! i feel, that i have "put to sea upon a shattered plank, and placed my trust in miracles for safety." i dread, one moment, lest, in attempting to awaken your tenderness, i may have forfeited your respect; the next, that i have mistaken a delusive meteor for the sober light of reason. in retirement, numberless contradictory emotions revolve in my disturbed mind:--in company, i start and shudder from accidental allusions, in which no one but myself could trace any application. the end of doubt is the beginning of repose. say, then, to me, that it is a principle in human nature, however ungenerous, to esteem lightly what may be attained without difficulty.--tell me to make distinctions between love and friendship, of which i have, hitherto, been able to form no idea.--say, that the former is the caprice of fancy, founded on external graces, to which i have little pretension, and that it is vain to pretend, that- "truth and good are one, and beauty dwells with them." 'tell me, that i have indulged too long the wild and extravagant chimeras of a romantic imagination. let us walk together into the palace of truth, where (it is fancifully related by an ingenious writer,[9] that) every one was compelled by an irresistible, controuling, power, to reveal his inmost sentiments! all this i will bear, and will still respect your integrity, and confide in your principles; but i can no longer sustain a suspense that preys upon my spirits. it is not the book of fate--it is your mind, only, i desire to read. a sickly apprehension overspreads my heart--i pause here, unable to proceed.' 'emma.' [footnote 9: madame de genlis's tales of the castle.] chapter xxviii week after week, month after month, passed away in the anguish of vain expectation: my letter was not answered, and i again sunk into despondency.--winter drew near. i shuddered at the approach of this dreary and desolate season, when i was roused by the receipt of a letter from one of the daughters of the maternal aunt, under whose care i had spent the happy, thoughtless, days of childhood. my cousin informed me- 'that she had married an officer in the east india service; that soon after their union he was ordered abroad, and stationed in bengal for three years, during which period she was to remain in a commodious and pleasant house, situated in the vicinity of the metropolis. she had been informed of my removal from morton park, and had no doubt but i should be able to give a satisfactory account of the occasion of that removal. she purposed, during the absence of her husband, to let out a part of her house; and should i not be fixed in my present residence, would be happy to accommodate me with an apartment, on terms that should be rather dictated by friendship than interest. she also hinted, that a neighbouring lady, of respectable character, would be glad to avail herself of the occasional assistance of an accomplished woman in the education of her daughters; that she had mentioned me to her in advantageous terms, conceiving that i should have no objection, by such a means, to exercise my talents, to render myself useful, and to augment my small income.' this intelligence filled me with delight: the idea of change, of exertion, of new scenes--shall i add, _of breathing the same air with augustus_, rushed tumultuously through my imagination. flying eagerly to my friend, to impart these tidings, i was not aware of the ungrateful and inconsiderate appearance which these exultations must give me in her eyes, till i perceived the starting tear.--it touched, it electrified, my heart; and, throwing myself into her arms, i caught the soft contagion, and wept aloud. 'go, emma--my daughter,' said this excellent woman; 'i banish the selfish regret that would prompt me to detain you. i perceive this solitude is destructive to thy ardent mind. go, vary your impressions, and expand your sensations; gladden me only from time to time with an account of your progress and welfare.' i had but little preparation to make. i canvassed over, with my friend, a thousand plans, and formed as many expectations and conjectures; but they all secretly tended to one point, and concentrated in one object. i gave my cousin notice that i should be with her in a few days--settled a future correspondence with my friend--embraced her, at parting, with unfeigned, and tender, sorrow--and, placing myself in a stage-coach, that passed daily through the village, took the road, once more, with a fluttering heart, to london. we travelled all night--it was cold and dreary--but my fancy was busied with various images, and my bosom throbbing with lively, though indistinct sensations. the next day, at noon, i arrived, without accident, at the residence of my relation, mrs denbeigh. she received me with unaffected cordiality: our former amity was renewed; we spent the evening together, recalling past scenes; and, on retiring, i was shewn into a neat chamber, which had been prepared for me, with a light closet adjoining. the next day, i was introduced to the lady, mentioned to me by my kind hostess, and agreed to devote three mornings in the week to the instruction of the young ladies (her daughters), in various branches of education. _memoirs of emma courtney_ volume ii to augustus harley 'my friend, my son, it is for your benefit, that i have determined on reviewing the sentiments, and the incidents, of my past life. cold declamation can avail but little towards the reformation of our errors. it is by tracing, by developing, the passions in the minds of others; tracing them, from the seeds by which they have been generated, through all their extended consequences, that we learn, the more effectually, to regulate and to subdue our own. 'i repeat, it will cost me some pain to be ingenuous in the recital which i have pledged myself to give you; even in the moment when i resume my pen, prejudice continues to struggle with principle, and i feel an inclination to retract. while unfolding a series of error and mortification, i tremble, lest, in warning you to shun the rocks and quicksands amidst which my little bark has foundered, i should forfeit your respect and esteem, the pride, and the comfort, of my declining years. but you are deeply interested in my narrative, you tell me, and you entreat me to proceed.' chapter i change of scene, regular employment, attention to my pupils, and the conscious pride of independence, afforded a temporary relief to my spirits. my first care, on my arrival in town, was to gladden the mind of my dear benefactress, by a minute detail of the present comforts and occupations. she had charged me with affectionate remembrance and letters to her son. i enclosed these letters; and, after informing him (in the cover) of the change of my situation, and the incident which had occasioned it, complained of the silence he had observed towards my last letter. --'if,' said i, 'from having observed the social and sympathetic nature of our feelings and affections, i suffered myself to yield, involuntarily, to the soothing idea, that the ingenuous avowal of an attachment so tender, so sincere, so artless, as mine, could not have been unaffecting to a mind with which my own proudly claimed kindred:--if i fondly believed, that simplicity, modesty, truth--the eye beaming with sensibility, the cheek mantling with the glow of affection, the features softened, the accents modulated, by ineffable tenderness, might, in the eyes of a virtuous man, have supplied the place of more dazzling accomplishments, and more seductive charms: if i over-rated my own merit, and my own powers--surely my mistakes were sufficiently humiliating! you should not, indeed you should not, have obliged me to arrive at the conviction through a series of deductions so full of mortification and anguish. you are too well acquainted with the human heart not to be sensible, that no certainty can equal the misery of conjecture, in a mind of ardour--the agonizing images which _suspense_ forces upon the tender and sensible heart! you should have written, in pity to the situation of my mind. i would have thanked you for being ingenuous, even though, like hamlet, you had _spoke daggers_. i expected it, from your character, and i had a claim to your sincerity. 'but it is past!--the vision is dissolved! the barbed arrow is not extracted with more pain, than the enchantments of hope from the ardent and sanguine spirit! but why am i to lose your friendship? my heart tells me, i have not deserved this! do not suspect, that i have so little justice, or so little magnanimity, as to refuse you the privilege, the enviable privilege, of being master of your own affections. i am unhappy, i confess; the principal charm of my life is fled, and the hopes that should enliven future prospects are faint: melancholy too often obscures reason, and a heart, perhaps too tender, preys on itself. 'i suspect i had formed some vain and extravagant expectations. i could have loved you, had you permitted it, with no mean, nor common attachment.--my words, my looks, my actions, betrayed me, ere i suffered my feelings to dictate to my pen. would to god, i had buried this fatal secret in the bottom of my soul! but repentance is, now, too late. yet the sensible heart yearns to disclose itself--and to whom can it confide its sentiments, with equal propriety, as to him who will know how to pity the errors, of which he feels himself, however involuntarily, the cause? the world might think my choice in a confident singular; it has been my misfortune seldom to think with the world, and i ought, perhaps, patiently to submit to the inconveniences to which this singularity has exposed me. 'i know not how, without doing myself a painful violence, to relinquish your society; and why, let me again ask, should i? i now desire only that repose which is the end of doubt, and this, i think, i should regain by one hour's frank conversation with you; i would compose myself, listen to you, and yield to the sovereignty of reason. after such an interview, my mind--no longer harrassed by vague suspicion, by a thousand nameless apprehensions and inquietudes--should struggle to subdue itself--at least, i would not permit it to dictate to my pen, not to bewilder my conduct. i am exhausted by perturbation. i ask only certainty and rest. 'emma.' a few days after i had written the preceding letter, mr harley called on me. mrs denbeigh was with me on his entrance; i would have given worlds to have received him alone, but had not courage to hint this to my relation. overwhelmed by a variety of emotions, i was unable for some time to make any reply to his friendly enquiries after my health, and congratulations on my amended prospects. my confusion and embarrassment were but too apparent; perceiving my distress, he kindly contrived to engage my hostess in discourse, that i might have time to rally my spirits. by degrees, i commanded myself sufficiently to join in the conversation--i spoke to him of his mother, expressed the lively sense i felt of her goodness, and my unaffected regret at parting with her. animated by my subject, and encouraged by the delicacy of augustus, i became more assured: we retraced the amusements and studies of h----shire, and two hours passed delightfully and insensibly away, when mrs denbeigh was called out of the room to speak to a person who brought her letters and intelligence from the india house. mr harley, rising at the same time from his seat, seemed about to depart, but hesitating, stood a few moments as if irresolute. 'you leave me,' said i, in a low and tremulous tone, 'and you leave me still in suspense?' 'could you,' replied he, visibly affected, 'but have seen me on the receipt of your last letter, you would have perceived that my feelings were not enviable--your affecting expostulation, added to other circumstances of a vexatious nature, oppressed my spirits with a burthen more than they were able to sustain.' he resumed his seat, spoke of his situation, of the tenure on which he held his fortune,--'i am neither a stoic nor a philosopher,' added he,--'i knew not how--_i could not answer your letter_. what shall i say?--i am with-held from explaining myself further, by reasons --_obligations_--who can look back on every action of his past life with approbation? mine has not been free from error! i am distressed, perplexed--_insuperable obstacles_ forbid what otherwise'-'i feel,' said i, interrupting him, 'that i am the victim of my own weakness and vanity--i feel, that i have been rushing headlong into the misery which you kindly sought to spare me--i am sensible of your delicacy--of your humanity!--and is it with the full impression of your virtues on my heart that i must teach that heart to renounce you--renounce, for ever, the man with whose pure and elevated mind my own panted to mingle? my reason has been blinded by the illusions of my self-love--and, while i severely suffer, i own my sufferings just--yet, the sentiments you inspired were worthy of you! i understand little of--i have violated common forms--seeking your tenderness, i have perhaps forfeited your esteem!' 'far, _very far_, from it--i would, but cannot, say more.' 'must we, then, separate for ever--will you no longer assist me in the pursuit of knowledge and truth--will you no more point out to me the books i should read, and aid me in forming a just judgment of the principles they contain--must all your lessons be at an end--all my studies be resigned? how, without your counsel and example, shall i regain my strength of mind--to what _end_ shall i seek to improve myself, when i dare no longer hope to be worthy of him--' a flood of tears checked my utterance; hiding my face with my hands, i gave way to the kindly relief, but for which my heart had broken. i heard footsteps in the passage, and the voice of mrs denbeigh as speaking to her servant--covered with shame and grief, i dared not in this situation appear before her, but, rushing out at an opposite door, hid myself in my chamber. a train of confused recollections tortured my mind, i concluded, that augustus had another, a prior attachment. i felt, with this conviction, that i had not the fortitude, and that perhaps i ought not, to see him again. i wrote to him under this impression; i poured out my soul in anguish, in sympathy, in fervent aspirations for his happiness. these painful and protracted conflicts affected my health, a deep and habitual depression preyed upon my spirits, and, surveying every object through the medium of a distempered imagination, i grew disgusted with life. chapter ii i began, at length, to think, that i had been too precipitate, and too severe to myself.--why was i to sacrifice a friend, from whose conversation i had derived improvement and pleasure? i repeated this question to myself, again and again; and i blushed and repented. but i deceived myself. i had too frequently acted with precipitation, i determined, now, to be more prudent--i waited three months, fortified my mind with many reflections, and resumed my pen- to augustus harley. 'near three months have elapsed, since i last addressed you. i remind you of this, not merely to suppress, as it arises, any apprehension which you may entertain of further embarrassment or importunity: for i can no longer afflict myself with the idea, that my peace, or welfare, are indifferent to you, but will rather adopt the sentiment of plato--who on being informed, that one of his disciples, whom he had more particularly distinguished, had spoken ill of him, replied, to the slanderer--"i do not believe you, for it is impossible that i should not be esteemed by one whom i so sincerely regard." 'my motive, for calling to your remembrance the date of my last, is, that you should consider what i am now about to say, as the result of calmer reflection, the decision of judgment after having allowed the passions leisure to subside. it is, perhaps, unnecessary to premise, that i am not urged on by pride, from an obscure consciousness of having been betrayed into indiscretion, to endeavour to explain away, or to extenuate, any part of my former expressions or conduct. to a mind like yours, such an attempt would be impertinent; from one like mine, i hope, superfluous. i am not ashamed of being a human being, nor blush to own myself liable to "the shakes and agues of his fragile nature." i have ever spoken, and acted, from the genuine dictates of a mind swayed, at the time, by its own views and propensities, nor have i hesitated, as those views and propensities have changed, to avow my further convictions--"let not the coldly wise exult, that their heads were never led astray by their hearts." i have all along used, and shall continue to use, the unequivocal language of sincerity. 'however _romantic_ (a vague term applied to every thing we do not understand, or are unwilling to intimate) my views and sentiments might appear to many, i dread not, from you, this frigid censure. "the ideas, the associations, the circumstances of each man are properly his own, and it is a pernicious system, that would lead us to require all men, however different their circumstances, to act in many of the common affairs of life, by a precise, general rule."[10] the genuine effusions of the heart and mind are easily distinguished, by the penetrating eye, from the vain ostentation of sentiment, lip deep, which, causing no emotion, communicates none--oh! how unlike the energetic sympathies of truth and feeling--darting from mind to mind, enlightening, warming, with electrical rapidity! [footnote 10: godwin's political justice.] 'my ideas have undergone, in the last three months, many fluctuations. my _affection_ for you (why should i seek for vague, inexpressive phrases?) has not ceased, has not diminished, but it has, in some measure, changed its nature. it was originally generated by the report, and cemented by the knowledge, of your virtues and talents; and to virtue and talents my mind had ever paid unfeigned, enthusiastic, homage! it is somewhere said by rousseau--"that there may exist such a suitability of moral, mental, and personal, qualifications, as should point out the propriety of an union between a prince and the daughter of an executioner." vain girl that i was! i flattered myself that between us this sympathy really existed. i dwelt on the union between mind and mind--sentiments of nature gently insinuated themselves--my sensibility grew more tender, more affecting--and my imagination, ever lively, traced the glowing picture, and dipped the pencil in rainbow tints! possessing one of those determined spirits, that is not easily induced to relinquish its purposes--while i conceived that i had only your pride, or your insensibility, to combat, i wildly determined to persevere.--a further recapitulation would, perhaps, be unnecessary:--my situation, alas! is now changed. 'having then examined my heart, attentively and deliberately, i suspect that i have been unjust to myself, in supposing it incapable of a disinterested attachment.--why am i to deprive you of a faithful friend, and myself of all the benefits i may yet derive from your conversation and kind offices? i ask, why? and i should, indeed, have cause to blush, if, after having had time for reflection, i could really think this necessary. shall i, then, sign the unjust decree, that women are incapable of energy and fortitude? have i exercised my understanding, without ever intending to apply my principles to practice? do i mean always to deplore the prejudices which have, systematically, weakened the female character, without making any effort to rise above them? is the example you have given me, of a steady adherence to honour and principle, to be merely respected, without exciting in my bosom any emulation? dare i to answer these questions in the affirmative, and still ask your esteem--the esteem of the wise and good?--i dare not! no longer weakened by alternate hopes and fears, like the reed yielding to every breeze, i believe myself capable of acting upon firmer principles; and i request, with confidence, the restoration of your friendship! should i afterwards find, that i have over-rated my own strength, i will frankly tell you so, and expect from your humanity those allowances, which are but a poor substitute for respect. 'believe, then, my views and motives to be simply such as i state them; at least, such, after severely scrutinizing my heart, they appear to myself; and reply to me with similar ingenuousness. my expectations are very moderate: answer me with simplicity--my very soul sickens at evasion! you have undoubtedly, a right to judge and to determine for yourself; but it will be but just to state to me the reasons for, and the result of, that judgment; in which case, if i cannot obviate those reasons, i shall be bound, however reluctantly, to acquiesce in them. be assured, i will never complain of any consequences which may ensue, even, from the utterance of all truth. 'emma.' chapter iii this letter was succeeded by a renewal of our intercourse and studies. mrs denbeigh, my kind hostess, was usually of our parties. we read together, or conversed only on general topics, or upon subjects of literature. i was introduced by mr harley to several respectable families, friends of his own and of his mother's. i made many indirect enquiries of our common acquaintance, with a view to discover the supposed object of my friend's attachment, but without success. all that he had, himself, said, respecting such an engagement, had been so vague, that i began to doubt of the reality of its existence.--when, in any subsequent letters (for we continued occasionally to correspond) i ventured to allude to the subject, i was warned 'not to confound my own conceptions with real existences.' when he spoke of a susceptibility to the tender affections, it was always in the past time,--'i _have_ felt,'--'i _have_ been--'once he wrote--'his situation had been rendered difficult, by a combination of _peculiar circumstances_; circumstances, with which but few persons were acquainted.' sometimes he would affect to reflect upon his past conduct, and warn me against appreciating him too highly. in fine, he was a perfect enigma, and every thing which he said or wrote tended to increase the mystery. a restless, an insatiable, curiosity, devoured me, heightened by feelings that every hour became more imperious, more uncontroulable. i proposed to myself, in the gratification of this curiosity, a satisfaction that should compensate for all the injuries i might suffer in the career. this inquietude prevented my mind from resting; and, by leaving room for conjecture, left room for the illusions of fancy, and of hope. had i never expressed this, he might have affected ignorance of my sensations; he might have pleaded guiltless, when, in the agony of my soul, i accused him of having sacrificed my peace to his disingenuousness--but vain were all my expostulations! 'if,' said i, 'i have sought, too earnestly, to learn the state of your affections, it has been with a view to the more effectually disciplining of my own--of stifling every _ignis fatuus_ of false hope, that making, even, impossibilities possible, will still, at times, continue to mislead me. objects seen through obscurity, imperfectly discerned, allow to the fancy but too free a scope; the mind grows debilitated, by brooding over its apprehensions; and those apprehensions, whether real or imaginary, are carried with accumulated pain to the heart. i have said, on this subject, you have a right to be free; but i am, now, doubtful of this right: the health of my mind being involved in the question, has rendered it a question of _utility_--and on what other basis can morals rest?' i frequently reiterated these reasonings, always with encreased fervor and earnestness: represented--'that every step i took in advance would be miles in return--every minute that the blow was suspended, prepared it to descend with accumulated force.' i required no particulars, but merely requested to be assured of _a present, existing, engagement_. i continued, from time to time, to urge this subject. 'much,' said i, 'as i esteem you, and deeply as a thousand associations have fixed your idea in my heart--in true candour of soul, i, yet, feel myself your superior.--i recollect a sentiment of richardson's clarissa that always pleased me, and that may afford a test, by which each of us may judge of the integrity of our own minds--"i should be glad that you, and all the world, knew my heart; let my enemies sit in judgment upon my actions; fairly scanned, i fear not the result. let them ask me my most secret thoughts; and, whether they make for me, or against me, i will reveal them." 'this is the principle, my friend, upon which i have acted towards you. i have said many things, i doubt not, which make against me; but i trusted them to one, who told me, that he had made the human heart his study: and it is only in compliance with the prejudices of others, if i have taken any pains to conceal all i have thought and felt on this, or on any other, subject, from the rest of the world. had i not, in the wild career of fervent feeling, had sufficient strength of mind to stop short, and to reason calmly, how often, in the bitterness of my spirit, should i have accused you of sporting with my feelings, by involving me in a hopeless maze of conjecture--by leaving me a prey to the constant, oppressive, apprehension of hearing something, which i should not have had the fortitude to support with dignity; which, in proportion as it is delayed, still contributes to harrass, to weaken, to incapacitate, my mind from bearing its disclosure. 'i know you might reply--and more than nine-tenths of the world would justify you in this reply--"that you had already said, what ought to have been sufficient, and would have been so to any other human being;--that you had not sought the confidence i boast of having reposed in you;--and that so far from affording you any satisfaction, it has occasioned you only perplexity. if my own destiny was not equivocal, of what importance could it be to me, and what right had i to enquire after circumstances, in which, however affecting, i could have no real concern." 'you may think all this, perhaps--i will not spare myself--and it may be reasonable. _but could you say it_--and have you, indeed, studied the human heart--_have you, indeed, ever felt the affections?_--whatever may be the event--and it is in the mind of powers only that passions are likely to become fatal--and however irreproachable every other part of your conduct may have been, i shall, _here_, always say, you were culpable!' i changed my style. 'i know not,' said i, 'the nature of those stern duties, which oblige you to with-hold from me your tenderness; neither do i any longer enquire. i dread, only, lest i should acquire this knowledge when i am the least able to support it. ignorant, then, of any reasons which should prevent me from giving up my heart to an attachment, now become interwoven with my existence, i yield myself up to these sweet and affecting emotions, so necessary to my disposition--to which apathy is abhorrent. "the affections (truly says sterne) must be exercised on something; for, not to love, is to be miserable. were i in a desart, i would find out wherewith in it to call forth my affections. if i could do no better, i would fasten them upon some sweet myrtle, or seek some melancholy cypress to connect myself to--i would court their shade, and greet them kindly for their protection. i would cut my name upon them, and swear they were the loveliest trees throughout the desart. if their leaves withered, i would teach myself to mourn; and, when they rejoiced, i would rejoice with them." 'an attachment, founded upon a full conviction of worth, must be both safe and salutary. my mind has not sufficient strength to form an abstract idea of perfection. i have ever found it stimulated, improved, advanced, by its affections. i will, then, continue to love you with fervor and purity; i will see you with joy, part from you with regret, grieve in your griefs, enter with zeal into your concerns, interest myself in your honour and welfare, and endeavour, with all my little power, to contribute to your comfort and satisfaction.--is your heart so differently constituted from every other human heart, that an affection, thus ardent and sincere, excites in it no grateful, and soothing, emotions? why, then, withdraw yourself from me, and by that means afflict, and sink into despondency, a mind that entrusts its peace to your keeping. 'emma.' we met the next day at the house of a common friend. my accents, involuntarily, were softened, my attentions pointed.--manifestly agitated, embarrassed, even distressed, augustus quitted the company at an early hour. it would be endless to enumerate all the little incidents that occurred; which, however trifling they might appear in the recital, continued to operate in one direction. many letters passed to the same purport. my curiosity was a consuming passion; but this inflexible, impenetrable, man, was still silent, or alternately evaded, and resented, my enquiries. we continued, occasionally, to meet, but generally in company. chapter iv during the ensuing summer, mr harley proposed making a visit to his mother, and, calling to take his leave of me, on the evening preceding his journey, accidentally found me alone.--we entered into conversation on various subjects: twilight stole upon us unperceived. the obscure light inspired me with courage: i ventured to resume a subject, so often discussed; i complained, gently, of his reserve. 'could i suppose,' he asked, 'that he had been without _his share_ of suffering?' i replied something, i scarce know what, adverting to his stronger mind. 'strength!' said he, turning from me with emotion, 'rather say, weakness!' i reiterated the important, the so often proposed, enquiry--'had he, or had he not, a _present, existing, engagement_?' he endeavoured to evade my question--i repeated it--he answered, with a degree of impatience, '_i cannot tell you_; if i could, do you think i would have been silent so long?'--as once, before, he spoke of the circumstances of his past life, as being of '_a singular, a peculiar, nature_.' at our separation, i asked, if he would write to me during his absence. 'certainly, he would.' the next morning, having some little commissions to execute for mrs harley, i sent them, accompanied by a few lines, to her son. 'why is it,' said i, 'that our sagacity, and penetration, frequently desert us on the most interesting occasions? i can read any mind with greater facility than i can read your's; and, yet, what other have i so attentively studied? this is a problem i know not how to solve. one conclusion will force itself upon me--if a mistaken one, whom have you to blame?--that an _honourable_, suitable, engagement, could have given no occasion for mystery.' i added, 'i should depend on hearing from him, according to his promise.' week after week, month after month, wore away, and no letter arrived. perturbation was succeeded by anxiety and apprehension; but hearing, through my maternal friend, mrs harley, of the welfare of this object of our too tender cares, my solicitude subsided into despondency. the pressure of one corroding train of ideas preyed, like a canker-worm, upon my heart, and destroyed all its tranquillity. in the beginning of the winter, this mysterious, inexplicable, being, again returned to town. i had undertaken a little business, to serve him, during his absence--i transmitted to him an account of my proceedings; subjoining a gentle reproach for his unkind silence. 'you promised you would write to me,' said i, 'during your residence in ----shire. i therefore depended upon hearing from you; and, yet, i was disappointed. you should not, indeed you should not, make these experiments upon my mind. my sensibility, originally acute, from having been too much exercised, has become nearly morbid, and has almost unfitted me for an inhabitant of this world. i am willing to believe, that your conduct towards me has originated in good motives, nevertheless, you have made some sad mistakes--you have _deeply_, though undesignedly, wounded me: i have been harrassed, distressed, mortified. you know not, neither will i attempt to describe, all i have suffered! language would be inadequate to paint the struggles of a delicate, susceptible, mind, in some peculiar and interesting situations. 'you may suspect me of wanting resolution, but strong, persevering affections, are no mark of a weak mind. to have been the wife of a man of virtue and talents was my dearest ambition, and would have been my glory: i judged myself worthy of the confidence and affection of such a man--i felt, that i could have united in his pursuits, and shared his principles--aided the virtuous energies of his mind, and assured his domestic comforts. i earnestly sought to inspire you with tenderness, from the conviction, that i could contribute to your happiness, and to the worth of your character. and if, from innumerable associations, i at length loved your person, it was the magnanimity of your conduct, it was your virtues, that first excited my admiration and esteem. but you have rejected an attachment originating in the highest, the purest, principles--you have thrown from you a heart of exquisite sensibility, and you leave me in doubt, whether you have not sacrificed that heart to prejudice. yet, contemned affection has excited in my mind no resentment; true tenderness is made up of gentle and amiable emotions; nothing hostile, nothing severe, can mix with it: it may gradually subside, but it will continue to soften the mind it has once subdued. 'i see much to respect in your conduct, and though, it is probable, some parts of it may have originated in mistaken principles, i trust, that their source was pure! i, also, have made many mistakes--have been guilty of many extravagances. yet, distrust the morality, that sternly commands you to pierce the bosom that most reveres you, and then to call it virtue--_yes! distrust and suspect its origin!_' i concluded with expressing a wish to see him--'_merely as a friend_'--requesting a line in reply. he wrote not, but came, unexpectedly came, the next evening. i expressed, in lively terms, the pleasure i felt in seeing him. we conversed on various subjects, he spoke affectionately of his mother, and of the tender interest she had expressed for my welfare. he enquired after my pursuits and acquirements during his absence, commending the progress i had made. just before he quitted me, he adverted to the reproach i had made him, for not having written to me, according to his engagement. 'recollect,' said he, 'in the last letter i received from you, before i left london, you hinted some suspicions--' i looked at him, 'and what,' added he, 'could i reply?' i was disconcerted, i changed colour, and had no power to pursue the subject. chapter v from this period, he continued to visit me (i confess at my solicitation) more frequently. we occasionally resumed our scientific pursuits, read together, or entered into discussion on various topics. at length he grew captious, disputatious, gloomy, and imperious--the more i studied to please him, the less i succeeded. he disapproved my conduct, my opinions, my sentiments; my frankness offended him. this change considerably affected me. in company, his manners were studiously cold and distant; in private capricious, yet reserved and guarded. he seemed to overlook all my efforts to please, and, with a severe and penetrating eye, to search only for my errors--errors, into which i was but too easily betrayed, by the painful, and delicate, situation, in which i had placed myself. we, one day, accompanied mrs denbeigh on a visit of congratulation to her brother (eldest son of my deceased uncle mr melmoth), who had, when a youth, been placed by his father in a commercial house in the west indies, and who had just returned to his native country with an ample fortune. his sister and myself anticipated the pleasure of renewing our early, fraternal, affection and intimacy, while i felt a secret pride in introducing to his acquaintance a man so accomplished and respectable as mr harley. we were little aware of the changes which time and different situations produce on the character, and, with hearts and minds full of the frank, lively, affectionate, youth, from whom we had parted, seven years since, with mutual tears and embraces, shrunk spontaneously, on our arrival at mr melmoth's elegant house in bedford square, from the cold salutation, of the haughty, opulent, purse-proud, planter, surrounded by ostentatious luxuries, and evidently valuing himself upon the consequence which he imagined they must give him in our eyes. mr harley received the formal compliments of this favourite of fortune with the easy politeness which distinguishes the gentleman and the man of letters, and the dignified composure which the consciousness of worth and talents seldom fails to inspire. mr melmoth, by his awkward and embarrassed manner, tacitly acknowledged the impotence of wealth and the real superiority of his guest. we were introduced by our stately relation to his wife, the lady of the mansion, a young woman whom he had accidentally met with in a party of pleasure at jamaica, whither she had attended a family in the humble office of companion or chief attendant to the lady. fascinated by her beauty and lively manner, our trader had overlooked an empty mind, a low education, and a doubtful character, and, after a very few interviews, tendered to her acceptance his hand and fortune; which, though not without some affectation of doubt and delay, were in a short time joyfully accepted. a gentleman joined our party in the dining-room, whom the servant announced by the name of pemberton, in whom i presently recognized, notwithstanding some years had elapsed since our former meeting, the man of fashon and gallantry who had been the antagonist of mr francis, at the table of my father. he had lately (we were informed by our host) been to jamaica, to take possession of an estate bequeathed to him, and had returned to england in the same vessel with mr and mrs melmoth. after an elegant dinner of several courses had been served up and removed for the desert, a desultory conversation took place. mr pemberton, it appeared, held a commission in the militia, and earnestly solicited mrs melmoth, on whom he lavished a profusion of compliments, to grace their encampment, which was to be stationed in the ensuing season near one of the fashionable watering places, with her presence. this request the lady readily promised to comply with, expressing, in tones of affected softness, her admiration of military men, and of the 'pride, pomp and circumstance of glorious war!' 'do you not think, miss courtney,' said she, turning to me, 'that soldiers are the most agreeable and charming men in the world?' 'indeed i do not, madam; their trade is _murder_, and their trappings, in my eyes, appear but as the gaudy pomp of sacrifice.' '_murder_, indeed! what a harsh word--i declare you are a shocking creature--there have always been wars in the world, and there always must be: but surely you would not confound the brave fellows, who fight to protect their king and country, and _the ladies_, with common ruffians and housebreakers!' 'all the difference between them is, that the one, rendered desperate by passion, poverty, or injustice, endeavours by _wrong_ means to do himself _right_, and through this terrible and pitiable mistake destroys the life or the property of a fellow being--the others, wantonly and in cold blood, cut down millions of their species, ravage whole towns and cities, and carry devastation through a country.' 'what _odd notions_! dear, mr pemberton, did you ever hear a lady talk so strangely?' thus called upon, mr pemberton thought it incumbent upon him to interfere--'_courtney_, i think, madam, your name is! the daughter of an old friend of mine, if i am not mistaken, and who, i remember, was, when a very young lady, a great admirer of _roman virtues_.' 'not of _roman virtues_, i believe, sir; they had in them too much of the destructive spirit which mrs melmoth thinks so admirable.' 'indeed, i said nothing about _roman virtues_, nor do i trouble myself with such subjects--i merely admired the soldiers because they are so brave and so polite; besides, the military dress is so elegant and becoming--dear, mr pemberton, how charmingly you must look in your regimentals!' mr pemberton, bowing in return to the compliment, made an animated eulogium on the taste and beauty of the speaker. 'pray, sir,' resumed she, addressing herself to mr harley, whose inattention seemed to pique her, and whose notice she was determined to attract, 'are you of miss courtney's opinion--do you think it right to call soldiers _murderers_?' 'upon my word, madam,' with an air of irony, 'you must excuse me from entering into such _nice distinctions_--when _ladies_ differ, who shall presume to decide?' mr melmoth interposed, by wishing, 'that they had some thousands more of these _murderers_ in the west indies, to keep the slaves in subordination, who, since absurd notions of liberty had been put into their heads, were grown very troublesome and refractory, and, in a short time, he supposed, would become as insolent as the english servants.' 'would you believe it, mrs denbeigh,' said the planter's lady, addressing the sister of her husband, 'mr melmoth and i have been in england but a month, and have been obliged three times to change our whole suit of servants?' 'this is a land of freedom, my dear sister; servants, here, will not submit to be treated like the slaves of jamaica.' 'well, i am sure it is very provoking to have one's will disputed by such low, ignorant, creatures. how should they know what is right? it is enough for them to obey the orders of their superiors.' 'but suppose,' replied mrs denbeigh, 'they should happen to think their superiors unreasonable!' '_think!_ sister,' said the lordly mr melmoth, with an exulting laugh, 'what have _servants_, or _women_, to do with _thinking_?' 'nay, now,' interrupted mr pemberton, 'you are too severe upon the ladies--how would the elegant and tasteful arrangement of mrs melmoth's ornaments have been produced without thinking?' 'oh, you flatterer!' said the lady. 'let them think only about their dress, and i have no objection, but don't let them plague us with _sermonizing_.' 'mrs melmoth,' said i, coolly, 'does not often, i dare say, offend _in this way_. that some of the gentlemen, present, should object to a woman's exercising her discriminating powers, is not wonderful, since it might operate greatly to their disadvantage.' 'a blow on the right cheek, from so fair a hand,' replied mr pemberton, affectedly bending his body, 'would almost induce one to adopt the christian maxim, and turn the left, also. what say you, mr harley?' 'mr harley, i believe, sir, does not feel himself included in the reflection.' 'he is a happy man then.' 'no, sir, merely a _rational one_!' 'you are pleased to be severe; of all things i dread a female wit.' 'it is an instinctive feeling of self-preservation--nature provides weak animals with timidity as a guard.' mr pemberton reddened, and, affecting a careless air, hummed a tune. mr melmoth again reverted to the subject of english servants, which gave rise to a discussion on the slave trade. mr harley pleaded the cause of freedom and humanity with a bold and manly eloquence, expatiating warmly on the iniquity as well as impolicy of so accursed a traffic. melmoth was awed into silence. mr pemberton advanced some trite arguments in opposition, respecting the temporary mischiefs which might ensue, in case of an abolition, to the planters, landholders, traders, &c. augustus explained, by contending only for the gradual emancipation, after their minds had been previously prepared, of the oppressed africans. the conversation grew interesting. pemberton was not devoid of talents when he laid aside his affectation; the subject was examined both in a moral and a political point of view. i listened with delight, while augustus exposed and confuted the specious reasoning and sophistry of his antagonist: exulting in the triumph of truth and justice, i secretly gloried--'with more than selfish vanity'--in the virtues and abilities of my friend. though driven from all his resources, mr pemberton was too much the courtier to be easily disconcerted, but complimenting his adversary on his eloquence, declared he should be happy to hear of his having a seat in parliament. mrs melmoth, who had yawned and betrayed various symptoms of weariness during the discussion, now proposed the adjournment of the ladies into the drawing-room, whither i was compelled, by a barbarous and odious custom, reluctantly to follow, and to submit to be entertained with a torrent of folly and impertinence. 'i was ill-natured,' she told me.--'how could i be so severe upon the _charming_ and _elegant_ mr pemberton?' it was in vain i laboured to convince her, that to be treated like ideots was no real compliment, and that the men who condescend to flatter our foibles, despised the weak beings they helped to form. my remonstrances were as fatiguing, and as little to be comprehended by this _fine lady_, as the arguments respecting the slave trade:--she sought refuge from them in interrogating mrs denbeigh respecting the last new fashions, and in consulting her taste on the important question--whether blue or violet colour was the most becoming to a brunette complexion? the gentlemen joined us, to our great relief, at the tea-table:--other company dropped in, and the evening was beguiled with cards and the chess-board;--at the latter mr melmoth and mr harley were antagonists;--the former was no match for augustus. i amused myself by observing their moves, and overlooking the game. during our return from this visit, some conversation occurred between mr harley, my cousin, and myself, respecting the company we had quitted. i expressed my disappointment, disgust, and contempt, in terms, it may be, a little too strong. 'i was _fastidious_,' augustus told me, 'i wanted a world made on purpose for me, and beings formed after one model. it was both amusing, and instructive, to contemplate varieties of character. i was a romantic enthusiast--and should endeavour to become more like an inhabitant of the world.' piqued at these remarks, and at the tone and manner in which they were uttered, i felt my temper rising, and replied with warmth; but it was the glow of a moment; for, to say truth, vexation and disappointment, rather than reason, had broken and subdued my spirit. mrs denbeigh, perceiving i was pained, kindly endeavoured to give a turn to the conversation; yet she could not help expressing her regret, on observing the folly, levity, and extravagance, of the woman whom her brother had chosen for a wife. 'no doubt,' said augustus, a little peevishly, 'he is fond of her--she is a fine woman--there is no accounting for the _caprices_ of the affections.' i sighed, and my eyes filled with tears--'is, then, affection so _capricious_ a sentiment--is it possible to love what we despise?' 'i cannot tell,' retorted mr harley, with quickness. 'triflers can give no _serious_ occasion for uneasiness:--the humours of superior women are sometimes still less tolerable.' 'ah! how unjust. if gentleness be not _the perfection of reason_, it is a quality which i have never, yet, properly understood.' he made no reply, but sunk into silence, reserve, and reverie. on our arrival at my apartments, i ventured (my cousin having left us) to expostulate with him on his unkind behaviour; but was answered with severity. some retrospection ensued, which gradually led to the subject ever present to my thoughts.--again i expressed a solicitude to be informed of the real state of his heart, of the nature of those mysterious obstacles, to which, when clearly ascertained, i was ready to submit.--'had he, or had he not, an attachment, that looked to, as its _end_, a serious and legal engagement?' he appeared ruffled and discomposed.--'i ought not to be so urgent--he had already sufficiently explained himself.' he then repeated to me some particulars, apparently adverse to such a supposition--asking me, in his turn, 'if these circumstances bespoke his having any such event in view?' chapter vi for some time after this he absented himself from me; and, when he returned, his manners were still more unequal; even his sentiments, and principles, at times, appeared to me equivocal, and his character seemed wholly changed. i tried, in vain, to accommodate myself to a disposition so various. my affection, my sensibility, my fear of offending--a thousand conflicting, torturing, emotions, threw a constraint over my behaviour.--my situation became absolutely intolerable--time was murdered, activity vain, virtue inefficient: yet, a secret hope inspired me, that _indifference_ could not have produced the irritations, the inequalities, that thus harrassed me. i thought, i observed a conflict in his mind; his fits of absence, and reflection, were unusual, deep, and frequent: i watched them with anxiety, with terror, with breathless expectation. my health became affected, and my mind disordered. i perceived that it was impossible to proceed, in the manner we had hitherto done, much longer--i felt that it would, inevitably, destroy me. i reflected, meditated, reasoned, with myself--'that one channel, into which my thoughts were incessantly impelled, was destructive of all order, of all connection.' new projects occurred to me, which i had never before ventured to encourage--i revolved them in my mind, examined them in every point of view, weighed their advantages and disadvantages, in a moral, in a prudential, scale.--threatening evils appeared on all sides--i endeavoured, at once, to free my mind from prejudice, and from passion; and, in the critical and _singular_ circumstances in which i had placed myself, coolly to survey the several arguments of the case, and nicely to calculate their force and importance. 'if, as we are taught to believe, the benevolent author of nature be, indeed, benevolent,' said i, to myself, 'he surely must have intended the _happiness_ of his creatures. our morality cannot extend to him, but must consist in the knowledge, and practice, of those duties which we owe to ourselves and to each other.--individual happiness constitutes the general good:--_happiness_ is the only true _end_ of existence; --all notions of morals, founded on any other principle, involve in themselves a contradiction, and must be erroneous. man does right, when pursuing interest and pleasure--it argues no depravity--this is the fable of superstition: he ought to only be careful, that, in seeking his own good, he does not render it incompatible with the good of others--that he does not consider himself as standing alone in the universe. the infraction of established _rules_ may, it is possible, in some cases, be productive of mischief; yet, it is difficult to state any _rule_ so precise and determinate, as to be alike applicable to every situation: what, in one instance, might be a _vice_, in another may possibly become a _virtue_:--a thousand imperceptible, evanescent, shadings, modify every thought, every motive, every action, of our lives--no one can estimate the sensations of, can form an exact judgment for, another. 'i have sometimes suspected, that all mankind are pursuing phantoms, however dignified by different appellations.--the healing operations of time, had i patience to wait the experiment, might, perhaps, recover my mind from its present distempered state; but, in the meanwhile, the bloom of youth is fading, and the vigour of life running to waste.--should i, at length, awake from a delusive vision, it would be only to find myself a comfortless, solitary, shivering, wanderer, in the dreary wilderness of human society. i feel in myself the capacities for increasing the happiness, and the improvement, of a few individuals--and this circle, spreading wider and wider, would operate towards the grand end of life--_general utility_.' again i repeated to myself--'ascetic virtues are equally barbarous as vain:--the only just morals, are those which have a tendency to increase the bulk of enjoyment. my plan tends to this. the good which i seek does not appear to me to involve injury to any one--it is of a nature, adapted to the disposition of my mind, for which every event of my life, the education both of design and accident, have fitted me. if i am now put out, i may, perhaps, do mischief:--the placid stream, forced from its channel, lays waste the meadow. i seem to stand as upon a wide plain, bounded on all sides by the horizon:--among the objects which i perceive within these limits, some are so lofty, my eyes ache to look up to them; others so low, i disdain to stoop for them. _one_, only, seems fitted to my powers, and to my wishes--_one, alone_, engages my attention! is not its possession worthy an arduous effort: _perseverance_ can turn the course of rivers, and level mountains! shall i, then, relinquish my efforts, when, perhaps, on the very verge of success? 'the mind must have an object:--should i desist from my present pursuit, after all it has cost me, for what can i change it? i feel, that i am neither a philosopher, nor a heroine--but a _woman, to whom education has given a sexual character_. it is true, i have risen superior to the generality of my _oppressed sex_; yet, i have neither the talents for a legislator, nor for a reformer, of the world. i have still many female foibles, and shrinking delicacies, that unfit me for rising to arduous heights. ambition cannot stimulate me, and to accumulate wealth, i am still less fitted. should i, then, do violence to my heart, and compel it to resign its hopes and expectations, what can preserve me from sinking into, the most abhorred of all states, _languor and inanity_? --alas! that tender and faithful heart refuses to change its object--it can never love another. like rousseau's julia, my strong individual attachment has annihilated every man in the creation:--him i love appears, in my eyes, something more--every other, something less. 'i have laboured to improve myself, that i might be worthy of the situation i have chosen. i would unite myself to a man of worth--i would have our mingled virtues and talents perpetuated in our offspring--i would experience those sweet sensations, of which nature has formed my heart so exquisitely susceptible. my ardent sensibilities incite me to love--to seek to inspire sympathy--to be beloved! my heart obstinately refuses to renounce the man, to whose mind my own seems akin! from the centre of private affections, it will at length embrace--like spreading circles on the peaceful bosom of the smooth and expanded lake--the whole sensitive and rational creation. is it virtue, then, to combat, or to yield to, my passions?' i considered, and reconsidered, these reasonings, so specious, so flattering, to which passion lent its force. one moment, my mind seemed firmly made up on the part i had to act;--i persuaded myself, that i had gone too far to recede, and that there remained for me no alternative:--the next instant, i shrunk, gasping, from my own resolves, and shuddered at the important consequences which they involved. amidst a variety of perturbations, of conflicting emotions, i, at length, once more, took up my pen. chapter vii to augustus harley. 'i blush, when i reflect what a weak, wavering, inconsistent being, i must lately have appeared to you. i write to you on important subjects--i forbid you to answer me on paper; and, when you seem inclined to put that period to the present, painful, high-wrought, and trying, state of my feelings, which is now become so necessary, i appear neither to hear, nor to comprehend you. i fly from the subject, and thicken the cloud of mystery, of which i have so often, and, i still think, so justly complained.--these are some of the effects of the contradictory systems, that have so long bewildered our principles and conduct. a combination of causes, added to the conflict between a thousand delicate and nameless emotions, have lately conspired to confuse, to weaken, my spirits. you can conceive, that these acute, mental, sensations, must have had a temporary effect on the state of my health. to say truth (and, had i not said it, my countenance would have betrayed me), i have not, for some time past, been so thoroughly disordered. 'once more, i have determined to rally my strength; for i feel, that a much longer continuance in the situation, in which my mind has been lately involved, would be insupportable:--and i call upon you, _now_, with a resolution to summon all my fortitude to bear the result, for the _written_ state of your mind, on the topic become so important to my future welfare and usefulness. 'you may suppose, that a mind like mine must have, repeatedly, set itself to examine, on every side, all that could possibly have a relation to a subject affecting it so materially. you have hinted at _mysterious_ obstacles to the wish, in which every faculty of my soul has been so long absorbed--the wish of forming with you, a connection, nearer, _and more tender_, than that of friendship. this mystery, by leaving room for conjecture (and how frequently have i warned you of this!), left room for the illusions of imagination, and of hope--left room for the suspicion, that you might, possibly, be sacrificing _your own feelings_ as well as mine, to a mistaken principle. is it possible that you were not aware of this--you, who are not unacquainted with the nature of the mind! still less were you ignorant of the nature of my mind--which i had so explicitly, so unreservedly, laid open! i had a double claim upon your confidence--a confidence, that i was utterly incapable of abusing, or betraying--a confidence, which must have stopped my mind in its career--which would have saved me the bitter, agonizing, pangs i have sustained. mine were not common feelings--it is _obscurity_ and _mystery_ which has wrought them up to frenzy--_truth_ and _certainty_ would, long ere this, have caused them temporarily to subside into their accustomed channels. you understand little of the human heart, if you cannot conceive this--"where the imagination is vivid, the feelings strong, the views and desires not bounded by common rules;--in such minds, passions, if not subdued, become ungovernable and fatal: where there is much warmth, much enthusiasm, there is much danger.--my mind is no less ardent than yours, though education and habit may have given it a different turn--it glows with equal zeal to attain its end."[11] yes, i must continue to repeat, there has been in your conduct _one grand mistake_; and the train of consequences which may, yet, ensue, are uncertain, and threatening.--but, i mean no reproach--we are all liable to errors; and my own, i feel, are many, and various. but to return- [footnote 11: holcraft's anna st ives.] 'you may suppose i have revolved, in my thoughts, every possible difficulty on the subject alluded to; balancing their degrees of probability and force:--and, i will frankly confess, such is the sanguine ardour of my temper, that i can conceive but one obstacle, that would be _absolutely invincible_; which is, supposing that you have already contracted a _legal, irrecoverable_, engagement. yet, this i do not suppose. i will arrange, under five heads, (on all occasions, i love to class and methodize) every other possible species of objection, and subjoin all the reasonings which have occurred to me on the subjects. 'and, first, i will imagine, as the most serious and threatening difficulty, that you love another. i would, then, ask--is she capable of estimating your worth--does she love you--has she the magnanimity to tell you so--would she sacrifice to that affection every meaner consideration--has she the merit to secure, as well as accomplishments to attract, your regard?--you are too well acquainted with the human heart, not to be aware, that what is commonly called love is of a fleeting nature, kept alive only by hopes and fears, if the qualities upon which it is founded afford no basis for its subsiding into tender confidence, and rational esteem. beauty may inspire a transient desire, vivacity amuse, for a time, by its sportive graces; but the first will quickly fade and grow familiar--the last degenerate into impertinence and insipidity. interrogate your own heart--would you not, when the ardour of the passions, and the fervor of the imagination, subsided, wish to find the sensible, intelligent, friend, take place of the engaging mistress?--would you not expect the economical manager of your affairs, the rational and judicious mother to your offspring, the faithful sharer of your cares, the firm friend to your interest, the tender consoler of your sorrows, the companion in whom you could wholly confide, the discerning participator of your nobler pursuits, the friend of your virtues, your talents, your reputation--who could understand you, who was formed to pass the ordeal of honour, virtue, friendship?--ask yourself these questions--ask them closely, without sophistry, and without evasion. you are not, now, an infatuated boy! supposing, then, that you are, at present, entangled in an engagement which answers not this description--is it virtue to fulfil, or to renounce, it? contrast it with my affection, with its probable consequences, and weigh our different claims! _would you have been the selected choice, of this woman, from all mankind_--would no other be capable of making her equally happy--would nothing compensate to her for your loss--are you the only object that she beholds in creation--might not another engagement suit her equally well, or better--is her whole soul absorbed but by one sentiment, that of fervent love for you--is her future usefulness, as well as peace, at stake--does she understand your high qualities better than myself--will she emulate them more?--does the engagement promise a favourable issue, or does it threaten to wear away the best period of life in protracted and uncertain feeling--_the most pernicious, and destructive, of all state of mind?_ remember, also, that the summer of life will quickly fade; and that he who has reached the summit of the hill, has no time to lose--if he seize not the present moment, age is approaching, and life melting fast away.--i quit this, to state my second hypothesis- 'that you esteem and respect me, but that your heart has hitherto refused the sympathies i have sought to awaken in it. if this be the case, it remains to search for the reason; and, i own, i am at a loss to find it, either in moral, or physical, causes. our principles are in unison, our tastes and habits not dissimilar, our knowledge of, and confidence in, each other's virtues is reciprocal, tried, and established--our ages, personal accomplishments, and mental acquirements do not materially differ. from such an union, i conceive, mutual advantages would result. i have found myself distinguished, esteemed, beloved by, others, where i have not sought for this distinction. how, then, can i believe it compatible with the nature of mind, that so many strong efforts, and reiterated impressions, can have produced no effect upon yours? is your heart constituted differently from every other human heart?--i have lately observed an inequality in your behaviour, that has whispered something flattering to my heart. examine yourself--have you felt no peculiar interest in what concerns me--would the idea of our separation affect you with no more than a slight and common emotion?--one more question propose to yourself, as a test--could you see me form a new, and more fortunate, attachment, with indifference? if you cannot, without hesitation, answer these questions, i have still a powerful pleader in your bosom, though unconscious of it yourself, that will, ultimately, prevail. if i have, yet, failed of producing an unequivocal effect, it must arise from having mistaken the _means_ proper to produce the desired _end_. my own sensibility, and my imperfect knowledge of your character may, here, have combined to mislead me. the first, by its suffocating and depressing powers, clouding my vivacity, incapacitating me from appearing to you with my natural advantages--these effects would diminish as assurance took the place of doubt. the last, every day would contribute to correct. permit me, then, _to hope for_, as well as to seek your affections, and if i do not, at length, gain and secure them, it will be a phenomenon in the history of mind! 'but to proceed to my third supposition--the peculiar, pecuniary, embarrassments of your situation--good god! did this barbarous, insidious, relation, allow himself to consider the pernicious consequences of his absurd bequest?--threatening to undermine every manly principle, to blast every social virtue? oh! that i had the eloquence to rouse you from this tame and unworthy acquiescence--to stimulate you to exercise your talents, to trust to the independent energies of your mind, to exert yourself to procure the honest rewards of virtuous industry. in proportion as we lean for support on foreign aid, we lose the dignity of our nature, and palsey those powers which constitute that nature's worth. yet, i will allow, from my knowledge of your habits and associations, this obstacle its full force. but there remains one method of obviating, even this! i will frankly confess, that could i hope to gain the interest in your heart, which i have so long and so earnestly sought--my confidence in your honour and integrity, my tenderness for you, added to the wish of contributing to your happiness, would effect, what no lesser considerations could have effected--would triumph, not over my principles, (_for the individuality of an affection constitutes its chastity_) but over my prudence. i repeat, i am willing to sacrifice every inferior consideration--retain your legacy, so capriciously bequeathed--retain your present situation, and i will retain mine. this proposition, though not a violation of modesty, certainly involves in it very serious hazards--_it is, wholly, the triumph of affection!_ you cannot suppose, that a transient engagement would satisfy a mind like mine; i should require a reciprocal faith plighted and returned--an after separation, otherwise than by mutual consent, would be my destruction--i should not survive your desertion. my existence, then, would be in your hands. yet, having once confided, your affection should be my recompence--my sacrifice should be a cheerful and a voluntary one; i would determine not to harrass you with doubts nor jealousies, i would neither reflect upon the past, nor distrust the future: i would rest upon you, i would confide in you fearlessly and entirely! but, though i would not enquire after the past, my delicacy would require the assurance of your present, undivided, affection. 'the fourth idea that has occurred to me, is the probability of your having formed a plan of seeking some agreeable woman of fortune, who should be willing to reward a man of merit for the injustice of society. whether you may already have experienced some disappointments of this nature, i will not pretend to determine. i can conceive, that, by many women, a coxcomb might be preferred to you--however this may be, the plan is not unattended with risque, nor with some possible degrading circumstances--and you may succeed, and yet be miserable: happiness depends not upon the abundance of our possessions. 'the last case which i shall state, and on which i shall lay little comparative stress, is the possibility of an engagement of a very inferior nature--a mere affair of the senses. the arguments which might here be adduced are too obvious to be repeated. besides, i think highly of your refinement and delicacy--having therefore just hinted, i leave it with you. 'and now to conclude--after considering all i have urged, you may, perhaps, reply--that the subject is too nice and too subtle for reasoning, and that the heart is not to be compelled. these, i think, are mistakes. there is no subject, in fact, that may not be subjected to the laws of investigation and reasoning. what is it that we desire--_pleasure_--_happiness_? i allow, pleasure is the supreme good: but it may be analyzed--it must have a stable foundation--to this analysis i now call you! this is the critical moment, upon which hangs a long chain of events--this moment may decide your future destiny and mine--it may, even, affect that of unborn myriads! my spirit is pervaded with these important ideas--my heart flutters--i breathe with difficulty--_my friend_--_i would give myself to you_--the gift is not worthless. pause a moment, ere you rudely throw from you an affection so tried, so respectable, so worthy of you! the heart may be compelled--compelled by the touching sympathies which bind, with sacred, indissoluble ties, mind to mind! do not prepare for yourself future remorse--when lost, you may recollect my worth, and my affection, and remember them with regret--yet mistake me not, i have no intention to intimidate--i think it my duty to live, while i may possibly be useful to others, however bitter and oppressive may be that existence. i will live _for duty_, though peace and enjoyment should be for ever fled. you may rob me of my happiness, you may rob me of my strength, but, even, you cannot destroy my principles. and, if no other motive with-held me from rash determinations, my tenderness for you (it is not a selfish tenderness), would prevent me from adding, to the anxieties i have already given you, the cruel pang, of feeling yourself the occasion, however unintentionally, of the destruction of a fellow creature. 'while i await your answer, i summon to my heart all its remaining strength and spirits. say to me, in clear and decisive terms, that the obstacles which oppose my affection _are absolutely, and altogether, insuperable_--or that there is a possibility of their removal, but that time and patience are, yet, necessary to determine their force. in this case, i will not disturb the future operations of your mind, assuring myself, that you will continue my suspence no longer than is proper and requisite--or frankly accept, and return, the faith of her to whom you are infinitely dearer than life itself! 'early to-morrow morning, a messenger shall call for the paper, which is to decide the colour of my future destiny. every moment, that the blow has been suspended, it has acquired additional force--since it must, at length, descend, it would be weakness still to desire its protraction--we have, already, refined too much--_i promise to live--more, alas! i cannot promise_. '_farewel!_ dearest and most beloved of men--whatever may be my fate--_be happiness yours!_ once more, my lingering, foreboding heart, repeats _farewel!_ 'emma.' it would be unnecessary to paint my feelings during the interval in which i waited a reply to this letter--i struggled to repress hope, and to prepare my mind for the dissolution of a thousand air-built fabrics. the day wore tediously away in strong emotion, and strong exertion. on the subsequent morning, i sat, waiting the return of my messenger, in a state of mind, difficult even to be conceived--i heard him enter--breathless, i flew to meet him--i held out my hand--i could not speak. 'mr harley desired me to tell you, _he had not had time to write_.' gracious god! i shudder, even now, to recall the convulsive sensation! i sunk into a chair--i sat for some time motionless, every faculty seemed suspended. at length, returning to recollection, i wrote a short incoherent note, entreating-'to be spared another day, another night, like the preceding--i asked only _one single line_! in the morning i had made up my mind to fortitude--it was now sinking--another day, i could not answer for the consequences.' again an interval of suspense--again my messenger returned with a verbal reply--'_he would write to-morrow._' unconsciously, i exclaimed--'_barbarous, unfeeling, unpitying, man!_' a burst of tears relieved--no--_it did not relieve me_. the day passed--i know not how--i dare not recollect. the next morning, i arose, somewhat refreshed; my exhausted strength and spirits had procured me a few hours of profound slumber. a degree of resentment gave a temporary firmness to my nerves. 'what happiness (i repeated to myself) could i have expected with a man, thus regardless of my feelings?' i composed my spirits--_hope was at an end_--into a sort of sullen resignation to my fate--a half stupor! at noon the letter arrived, coldly, confusedly written; methought there appeared even a degree of irritation in it. '_another, a prior attachment_--his behaviour had been such, as necessarily resulted from such an engagement--unavoidable circumstances had prevented an earlier reply.' my swollen heart--but it is enough--'he blamed my impatience--he would, in future, perhaps, when my mind had attained more composure, make some remarks on my letter.' chapter viii to write had always afforded a temporary relief to my spirits--the next day i resumed my pen. to augustus harley. 'if, after reflecting upon, and comparing, many parts of your past conduct, you can acquit yourself, at the sacred bar of humanity--it is well! how often have i called for--urged, with all the energy of truth and feeling--but in vain--such a letter as you have at length written--and, _even now_, though somewhat late, i thank you for it. yet, what could have been easier, than to repeat so plain and so simple a tale? the vague hints, you had before given, i had repeatedly declared to be insufficient. remember, all my earnestness, and all my simplicity, and _learn the value of sincerity_! "oh! with what difficulty is an active mind, once forced into any particular train, persuaded to desert it as hopeless!"[12] [footnote 12: godwin's caleb williams.] 'this recital, then, was not to be confirmed, till the whole moral conformation of my mind was affected--till the barbed arrow had fixed, and rankled in, and poisoned, with its envenomed point, every vein, every fibre, of my heart. this, i confess, is now the case--reason and self-respect sustain me--but the wound you have inflicted _is indelible_--it will continue to be the corroding canker at the root of my peace. my youth has been worn in anguish--and the summer of life will probably be overshadowed by a still thicker and darker cloud. but i mean not to reproach you--it is not given me to contribute to your happiness--the dearest and most ardent wish of my soul--i would not then inflict unnecessary pain--yet, i would fix upon your mind, the value of _unequivocal sincerity_. 'had the happiness of any human being, the meanest, the vilest, depended as much upon me, as mine has done on you, i would have sacrificed, for their relief, the dearest secret of my heart--the secret, even upon which my very existence had depended. it is true, you did not directly deceive me--but is that enough for the delicacy of humanity? may the past be an affecting lesson to us both--it is written upon my mind in characters of blood. i feel, and acknowledge, my own errors, in yielding to the illusion of vague, visionary, expectation; but my faults have originated in a generous source--they have been the wild, ardent, fervent, excesses, of a vigorous and an exalted mind! 'i checked my tears, as they flowed, and they are already dried--uncalled, unwished, for--why do they, thus, struggle to force their way? my mind has, i hope, too much energy, utterly to sink--i know what it is to suffer, and to combat with, if not to subdue, my feelings--and _certainty_, itself, is some relief. i am, also, supported by the retrospect of my conduct; with all its mistakes, and all its extravagances, it has been that of a virtuous, ingenuous, uncorrupted, mind. you have contemned a heart of no common value, you have sported with its exquisite sensibilities--but it will, still, know how to separate your virtues from your errors. 'you reprove, perhaps justly, my impatience--i can only say, that circumstanced as you were, i should have stolen an hour from rest, from company, from business, however, important, to have relieved and soothed a fellow-creature in a situation, so full of pain and peril. every thought, during a day scarcely to be recollected without agony, _was a two-edged sword_--but some hours of profound and refreshing slumber recruited my exhausted spirits, and enabled me, yesterday, to receive my fate, with a fortitude but little hoped for. 'you would oblige me exceedingly by the remarks you allow me to hope for, on my letter of the ----th. you know, i will not shrink from reproof--that letter afforded you the last proof of my affection, and i repent not of it. i loved you, first, for what, i conceived, high qualities of mind--from nature and association, my tenderness became personal--till at length, i loved you, not only rationally and tenderly--_but passionately_--it became a pervading and a devouring fire! and, yet, i do not blush--my affection was modest, if intemperate, _for it was individual_--it annihilated in my eyes every other man in the creation. i regret these natural sensations and affections, their forcible suppression injures the mind--it converts the mild current of gentle, and genial sympathies, into a destructive torrent. this, i have the courage to avow it, has been one of the miserable mistakes in morals, and, like all other partial remedies, has increased the evil, it was intended to correct. from monastic institutions and principles have flowed, as from a polluted source, streams, that have at once spread through society a mingled contagion of dissoluteness and hypocrisy. 'you have suddenly arrested my affections in their full career--in all their glowing effervescence--you have taken "the rose from the fair forehead of an innocent love, and placed a blister there." 'and, yet, i survive the shock, and determine to live, not for future enjoyment--that is now, for ever, past--_but for future usefulness_--is not this virtue? 'i am sorry your attachment has been and i fear is likely to be, protracted--i know, too well, the misery of these situations, and i should, now, feel a melancholy satisfaction in hearing of its completion--in that completion, may you experience no disappointment! i do not wish you to be beloved, as i have loved you; this, perhaps, is unnecessary; such an affection, infallibly, enslaves the heart that cherishes it; and slavery is the tomb of virtue and of peace. 'i believe it would not be proper for us to meet again--at least at present--should i hear of sickness, or calamity, befalling you, i shall, i suspect, be impelled, by an irresistible impulse to seek you--but i will no more interrupt your repose--though you have contemned my affection, my friendship will still follow you. 'if you really _love_, i think you ought to make some sacrifices, and not render yourself, and the happy object of your tenderness, the victims of factitious notions.--remember--youth and life will quickly fade. relinquish, call upon her to relinquish, her prejudices--should she refuse, she is unworthy of you, and you will regret, too late, the tender, faithful, ingenuous heart, that you have pierced through and through--_that you have almost broken_! should she make you happy, i will esteem, though i may never have an opportunity of thanking, her--were she informed of my conduct, she might rejoice in the trial of your affection--though i should not. 'the spirits, that had crouded round my heart, are already subsiding--a flood of softness, a tide of overwhelming affection, gushes upon it--and i feel sinking into helpless, infantine, distress! hasten to me your promised remarks--they will rouse, they will strengthen, me--_truth_ i will never call indelicate or inhuman--it is only the virtuous mind can dare to practise, to challenge, it:--simplicity is true refinement. 'let us reap from the past all the good we can--a close, and searching, knowledge of the secret springs and foldings of our hearts. methinks, i could wish you justified, _even at my own expence_.--i ask, unshrinkingly, a frank return. 'a heart-rending sigh accompanies my _farewel_--the last struggles of expiring nature will be far less painful--but my philosophy, now, _sternly_ calls upon me to put its precepts in practice--trembling--shuddering--i obey! '_farewel!_ 'emma.' perhaps it cost me some effort to make the preceding letter so moderate--yet, every victory gained over ourselves is attended with advantages. but this apparent calm was the lethargy of despair--it was succeeded by severer conflicts, by keener anguish. a week passed, and near a second--i received no answer. chapter ix a letter from the country made it necessary for me, again, to address mr harley, to make some enquiries which respected business of his mother's. it may be, that i felt a mixture of other motives;--it is certain, that when i wrote, i spoke of more than business. 'i had hoped,' i told him, 'ere this, to have received the promised letter--yet, i do not take up my pen,' said i, 'either to complain of, or to importune, you. if i have already expressed myself with bitterness, let the harrassed state of my mind be my excuse. my own conduct has been too erroneous, too eccentric, to enable me to judge impartially of your's. forgive me, if by placing you in an embarrassing situation, i have exposed you to consequent mistake or uneasiness. i feel, that whatever errors we may either of us have committed, _originated only with myself_, and i am content to suffer all the consequences. it is true, had you reposed in me an early, generous, confidence, much misery would have been avoided--i had not been wounded "there, where the human heart most exquisitely feels!" 'you had been still my friend, and i had been comparatively happy. every passion is, in a great measure, the growth of indulgence: all our desires are, in their commencement, easily suppressed, when there appears no probability of attaining their object; but when strengthened, by time and reflection, into habit, in endeavouring to eradicate them, we tear away part of the mind. in my attachments there is a kind of savage tenacity--they are of an elastic nature, and, being forced back, return with additional violence. 'my affection for you has not been, altogether, irrational or selfish. while i felt that i loved you, as no other woman, i was convinced, would love you--i conceived, could i once engage your heart, i could satisfy, and even, purify it. while i loved your virtues, i thought i saw, and i lamented, the foibles which sullied them. i suspected you, perhaps erroneously, of pride, ambition, the love of distinction; yet your ambition could not, i thought, be of an ignoble nature--i feared that the gratifications you sought, if, indeed, attainable, were factitious--i even fancied i perceived you, against your better judgment, labouring to seduce yourself!' "he is under a delusion," said i, to myself;--"reason may be stunned, or blinded, for awhile; but it will revive in the heart, and do its office, when sophistry will be of no avail." i saw you struggling with vexations, that i was assured might be meliorated by tender confidence--i longed to pour its balms into your bosom. my sensibility disquieted you, and myself, only _because it was constrained_. i thought i perceived a conflict in your mind--i watched its progress with attention and solicitude. a thousand times has my fluttering heart yearned to break the cruel chains that fettered it, and to chase the cloud, which stole over your brow, by the tender, yet chaste, caresses and endearments of ineffable affection! my feelings became too highly wrought, and altogether insupportable. sympathy for your situation, zeal for your virtues, love for your mind, tenderness for your person--a complication of generous, affecting, exquisite, emotions, impelled me to make one great effort.--"[13] the world might call my plans absurd, my views romantic, my pretensions extravagant--was i, or was i not, guilty of any crime, when, in the very acme of the passions, i so totally disregarded the customs of the world?" ah! what were my sensations--what did i not suffer, in the interval?--and you prolonged that cruel interval--and still you suffer me to doubt, whether, at the moment in my life when i was actuated by the highest, the most fervent, the most magnanimous, principles--whether, at that moment, when i most deserved your respect, i did not for ever forfeit it. [footnote 13: holcroft's anna st ives.] 'i seek not to extenuate any part of my conduct--i confess that it has been wild, extravagant, romantic--i confess, that, even for your errors, i am justly blameable--and yet i am unable to bear, because i feel they would be unjust, your hatred and contempt. i cherish no resentment--my spirit is subdued and broken--your unkindness sinks into my soul. 'emma.' another fortnight wore away in fruitless expectation--the morning rose, the evening closed, upon me, in sadness. i could not, yet, think the mystery developed: on a concentrated view of the circumstances, they appeared to me contradictory, and irreconcileable. a solitary enthusiast, a child in the drama of the world, i had yet to learn, that those who have courage to act upon advanced principles, must be content to suffer moral martyrdom.[14] in subduing our own prejudices, we have done little, while assailed on every side by the prejudices of others. my own heart acquitted me; but i dreaded that distortion of mind, that should wrest guilt out of the most sublime of its emanations. [footnote 14: this sentiment may be just in some particular cases, but it is by no means of general application, and must be understood with great limitations.] i ruminated in gloomy silence, on my forlorn, and hopeless, situation. 'if there be not a future state of being,' said i to myself, 'what is this!--tortured in every stage of it, "man cometh forth like a flower, and is cut down--he fleeth, as a shadow, and continueth not!"--i looked backward on my past life, and my heart sickened--its confidence in humanity was shaken--i looked forward, and all was cheerless. i had certainly committed many errors!--who has not--who, with a fancy as lively, feelings as acute, and a character as sanguine, as mine? "what, in fact," says a philosophic writer,[15] "is character?--the production of a lively and constant affection, and consequently, of a strong passion:"--eradicate that passion, that ferment, that leaven, that exuberance, which raises and makes the mind what it is, and what remains? yet, let us beware how we wantonly expend this divine, this invigorating, power. every grand error, in a mind of energy, in its operations and consequences, carries us years forward--_precious years, never to be recalled_!' i could find no substitute for the sentiments i regretted--for that sentiment formed my character; and, but for the obstacles which gave it force, though i might have suffered less misery, i should, i suspect, have gained less improvement; still adversity _is a real evil_; and i foreboded that this improvement had been purchased too dear. [footnote 15: helvetius.] chapter x weeks elapsed ere the promised letter arrived--a letter still colder, and more severe, than the former. i wept over it, bitter tears! it accused me 'of adding to the vexations of a situation, before sufficiency oppressive.'--alas! had i known the nature of those vexations, could i have merited such a reproof? the augustus, i had so long and so tenderly loved, no longer seemed to exist. some one had, surely, usurped his signature, and imitated those characters, i had been accustomed to trace with delight. he tore himself from me, _nor would he deign to soften the pang of separation_. anguish overwhelmed me--my heart was pierced. reclining my head on my folded arms, i yielded myself up to silent grief. alone, sad, desolate, no one heeded my sorrows--no eye pitied me--no friendly voice cheered my wounded spirit! the social propensities of a mind forbidden to expand itself, forced back, preyed incessantly upon that mind, secretly consuming its powers. i was one day roused from these melancholy reflections by the entrance of my cousin, mrs denbeigh. she held in her hand a letter, from my only remaining friend, mrs harley. i snatched it hastily; my heart, lacerated by the seeming unkindness of him in whom it had confided, yearned to imbibe the consolation, which the gentle tenderness of this dear, maternal, friend, had never failed to administer. the first paragraph informed me- 'that she had, a few days since, received a letter from the person to whom the legacy of her son devolved, should he fail in observing the prescribed conditions of the testator: that this letter gave her notice, that those conditions had already been infringed, mr harley having contracted a marriage, three years before, with a foreigner, with whom he had become acquainted during his travels; that this marriage had been kept a secret, and, but very lately, by an accidental concurrence of circumstances, revealed to the person most concerned in the detection. undoubted proofs of the truth of this information could be produced; it would therefore be most prudent in her son to resign his claims, without putting himself, and the legal heir, to unnecessary expence and litigation. ignorant of the residence of mr harley, the writer troubled his mother to convey to him these particulars.' the paper dropped from my hand, the colour forsook my lips and cheeks;--yet i neither wept, nor fainted. mrs denbeigh took my hands--they were frozen--the blood seemed congealed in my veins--and i sat motionless--my faculties suspended, stunned, locked up! my friend spake to me--embraced, shed tears over, me--but she could not excite mine;--my mind was pervaded by a sense of confused misery. i remained many days in this situation--it was a state, of which i have but a feeble remembrance; and i, at length, awoke from it, as from a troublesome dream. with returning reason, the tide of recollection also returned. oh! how complicated appeared to me the guilt of augustus! ignorant of his situation, i had been unconsciously, and perseveringly, exerting myself to seduce the affections of a _husband_ from his _wife_. he had made me almost criminal in my own eyes--he had risqued, at once, by a disingenuous and cruel reserve, the virtue and the happiness of three beings. what is virtue, but a calculation of _the consequences of our actions_? did we allow ourselves to reason on this principle, to reflect on its truth and importance, we should be compelled to shudder at many parts of our conduct, which, _taken unconnectedly_, we have habituated ourselves to consider as almost indifferent. virtue can exist only in a mind capable of taking comprehensive views. how criminal, then, is ignorance! during this sickness of the soul, mr francis, who had occasionally visited me since my residence in town, called, repeatedly, to enquire after my welfare; expressing a friendly concern for my indisposition. i saw him not--i was incapable of seeing any one--but, informed by my kind hostess of his humane attentions, soothed by the idea of having yet a friend who seemed to interest himself in my concerns, i once more had recourse to my pen (mrs denbeigh having officiously placed the implements of writing in my way), and addressed him in the wild and incoherent language of despair. to mr francis. 'you once told me, that i was incapable of heroism; and you were right--yet, i am called to great exertions! a blow that has been suspended over my head, days, weeks, months, years, has at length fallen--still i live! my tears flow--i struggle, in vain, to suppress them, but they are not tears of blood!--my heart, though pierced through and through, is not broken! 'my friend, come and teach me how to acquire fortitude--i am wearied with misery--all nature is to me a blank--an envenomed shaft rankles in my bosom--philosophy will not heal the festering wound--_i am exquisitely wretched!_ 'do not chide me till i get more strength--i speak to you of my sorrows, for your kindness, while i was yet a stranger to you, inspired me with confidence, and my desolate heart looks round for support. 'i am indebted to you--how shall i repay your goodness? do you, indeed, interest yourself in my fate? call upon me, then, for the few incidents of my life--i will relate them simply, and without disguise. there is nothing uncommon in them, but the effect which they have produced upon my mind--yet, that mind they formed. 'after all, my friend, what a wretched farce is life! why cannot i sleep, and, close my eyes upon it for ever? but something whispers, "_this would be wrong_."--how shall i tear from my heart all its darling, close twisted, associations?--and must i live--_live for what?_ god only knows! yet, how am i sure that there is a god--is he wise--is he powerful--is he benevolent? if he be, can he sport himself in the miseries of poor, feeble, impotent, beings, forced into existence, without their choice--impelled, by the iron hand of necessity, through mistake, into calamity?--ah! my friend, who will condemn the poor solitary wanderer, whose feet are pierced with many a thorn, should he turn suddenly out of the rugged path, seek an obscure shade to shrowd his wounds, his sorrows, and his indignation, from the scorn of a pitiless world, and accelerate the hour of repose.[16] who would be born if they could help it? you would perhaps--_you may do good_--but on me, the sun shines only to mock my woes--oh! that i had never seen the light. [footnote 16: this is the reasoning of a mind distorted by passion. even in the moment of disappointment, our heroine judged better. see page 38.] 'torn by conflicting passions--wasted in anguish--life is melting fast away--a burthen to myself, a grief to those who love me, and worthless to every one. weakened by long suspence--preyed upon, by a combination of imperious feelings--i fear, i greatly fear, the _irrecoverable blow is struck_! but i blame no one--i have been entangled in error--_who is faultless?_ 'while pouring itself out on paper, my tortured mind has experienced a momentary relief: if your heart be inaccessible to tender sympathies, i have only been adding one more to my numberless mistakes! 'emma.' mr francis visited me, and evinced for my situation the most humane and delicate consideration. he reminded me of the offer i had made him, and requested the performance of my engagement. in compliance with this request, and to beguile my melancholy thoughts, i drew up a sketch of the events of my past life, and unfolded a history of the sentiments of my mind (from which i have extracted the preceding materials) reserving only any circumstance which might lead to a detection of the name and family of the man with whom they were so intimately blended. chapter xi after having perused my manuscript, mr francis returned it, at my desire, accompanied by the following letter. to emma courtney. 'your narrative leaves me full of admiration for your qualities, and compassion for your insanity. 'i entreat however your attention to the following passage, extracted from your papers. "after considering all i have urged, you may perhaps reply, that the subject is too nice, and too subtle, for reasoning, and that the heart is not to be compelled. this, i think, is a mistake. there is no topic, in fact, that may not be subjected to the laws of investigation and reasoning. what is it we desire? pleasure, happiness. what! the pleasure of an instant, only; or that which is more solid and permanent? i allow, pleasure is the supreme good! but it may be analysed. to this analysis i now call you." 'could i, if i had studied for years, invent a comment on your story, more salutary to your sorrows, more immoveable in its foundation, more clearly expressed, or more irresistibly convincing to every rational mind? 'how few real, substantial, misfortunes there are in the world! how few calamities, the sting of which does not depend upon our cherishing the viper in our bosom, and applying the aspic to our veins! the general pursuit of all men, we are frequently told, is happiness. i have often been tempted to think, on the contrary, that the general pursuit is misery. it is true, men do not recognize it by its genuine appellation; they content themselves with the pitiful expedient of assigning it a new denomination. but, if their professed purpose were misery, could they be more skilful and ingenious in the pursuit? 'look through your whole life. to speak from your own description, was there ever a life, in its present period, less chequered with substantial _bona fide_ misfortune? the whole force of every thing which looks like a misfortune was assiduously, unintermittedly, provided by yourself. you nursed in yourself a passion, which, taken in the degree in which you experienced it, is the unnatural and odious invention of a distempered civilization, and which in almost all instances generates an immense overbalance of excruciating misery. your conduct will scarcely admit of any other denomination than moon-struck madness, hunting after torture. you addressed a man impenetrable as a rock, and the smallest glimpse of sober reflection, and common sense, would have taught you instantly to have given up the pursuit. 'i know you will tell me, and you will tell yourself, a great deal about constitution, early association, and the indissoluble chain of habits and sentiments. but i answer with small fear of being erroneous, "it is a mistake to suppose, that the heart is not to be compelled. there is no topic, in fact, that may not be subjected to the laws of investigation and reasoning. pleasure, happiness, is the supreme good; and happiness is susceptible of being analysed." i grant, that the state of a human mind cannot be changed at once; but, had you worshipped at the altar of reason but half as assiduously as you have sacrificed at the shrine of illusion, your present happiness would have been as enviable, as your present distress is worthy of compassion. if men would but take the trouble to ask themselves, once every day, why should i be miserable? how many, to whom life is a burthen, would become chearful and contented. 'make a catalogue of all the real evils of human life; bodily pain, compulsory solitude, severe corporal labour, in a word, all those causes which deprive us of health, or the means of spending our time in animated, various, and rational pursuits. aye, these are real evils! but i should be ashamed of putting disappointed love into my enumeration. evils of this sort are the brood of folly begotten upon fastidious indolence. they shrink into non-entity, when touched by the wand of truth. 'the first lesson of enlightened reason, the great fountain of heroism and virtue, the principle by which alone man can become what man is capable of being, is _independence_. may every power that is favourable to integrity, to honour, defend me from leaning upon another for support! i will use the word, i will use my fellow men, but i will not abuse these invaluable benefits of the system of nature. i will not be weak and criminal enough, to make my peace depend upon the precarious thread of another's life or another's pleasure. i will judge for myself; i will draw my support from myself--the support of my existence and the support of my happiness. the system of nature has perhaps made me dependent for the means of existence and happiness upon my fellow men taken collectively; but nothing but my own folly can make me dependent upon individuals. will these principles prevent me from admiring, esteeming, and loving such as are worthy to excite these emotions? can i not have a mind to understand, and a heart to feel excellence, without first parting with the fairest attribute of my nature? 'you boast of your sincerity and frankness. you have doubtless some reason for your boast--yet all your misfortunes seem to have arisen from concealment. you brooded over your emotions, and considered them as a sacred deposit--you have written to me, i have seen you frequently, during the whole of this transaction, without ever having received the slightest hint of it, yet, if i be a fit counsellor now, i was a fit counsellor then; your folly was so gross, that, if it had been exposed to the light of day, it could not have subsisted for a moment. even now you suppress the name of your hero: yet, unless i know how much of a hero and a model of excellence he would appear in my eyes, i can be but a very imperfect judge of the affair. '---francis.' chapter xii to the remonstrance of my friend, which roused me from the languor into which i was sinking, i immediately replied- to mr francis. 'you retort upon me my own arguments, and you have cause. i felt a ray of conviction dart upon my mind, even, while i wrote them. but what then?--"i seemed to be in a state, in which reason had no power; i felt as if i could coolly survey the several arguments of the case--perceive, that they had prudence, truth, and common sense on their side--and then answer--i am under the guidance of a director more energetic than you!"[17] i am affected by your kindness--i am affected by your letter. i could weep over it, bitter tears of conviction and remorse. but argue with the wretch infected with the plague--will it stop the tide of blood, that is rapidly carrying its contagion to the heart? i blush! i shed burning tears! but i am still desolate and wretched! and how am i to stop it? the force which you impute to my reasoning was the powerful frenzy of a high delirium. [footnote 17: godwin's caleb williams.] 'what does it signify whether, abstractedly considered, a misfortune be worthy of the names real and substantial, if the consequences produced are the same? that which embitters all my life, that which stops the genial current of health and peace is, whatever be its nature, a real calamity to me. there is no end to this reasoning--what individual can limit the desires of another? the necessaries of the civilized man are whimsical superfluities in the eye of the savage. are we, or are we not (as you have taught me) the creatures of sensation and circumstance? 'i agree with you--and the more i look into society, the deeper i feel the soul-sickening conviction--"the general pursuit is misery"--necessarily--excruciating misery, from the source to which you justly ascribe it--"_the unnatural and odious inventions of a distempered civilization._" i am content, you may perceive, to recognize things by their genuine appellation. i am, at least, a reasoning maniac: perhaps the most dangerous species of insanity. but while the source continues troubled, why expect the streams to run pure? 'you know i will tell you--"about the indissoluble chains of association and habit:" and you attack me again with my own weapons! alas! while i confess their impotence, with what consistency do i accuse the flinty, impenetrable, heart, i so earnestly sought, in vain, to move? what materials does this stubborn mechanism of the mind offer to the wise and benevolent legislator! 'had i, you tell me, "worshipped at the altar of reason, but half as assiduously as i have sacrificed at the shrine of illusion, my happiness might have been enviable." but do you not perceive, that my reason was the auxiliary of my passion, or rather my passion the generative principle of my reason? had not these contradictions, these oppositions, roused the energy of my mind, i might have domesticated, tamely, in the lap of indolence and apathy. 'i do ask myself, every day--"why should i be miserable?"--and i answer, "because the strong, predominant, sentiment of my soul, close twisted with all its cherished associations, has been rudely torn away, and the blood flows from the lacerated wound. you would be ashamed of placing disappointed love in your enumeration of evils! gray was not ashamed of this- 'and pining love shall waste their youth, and jealousy, with rankling tooth, that inly gnaws the secret heart!' * * * * * 'these shall the stings of falsehood try, and hard unkindness' alter'd eye, that mocks the tear it forc'd to flow.'" 'is it possible that you can be insensible of all the mighty mischiefs which have been caused by this passion--of the great events and changes of society, to which it has operated as a powerful, though secret, spring? that jupiter shrouded his glories beneath a mortal form; that he descended yet lower, and crawled as a reptile--that hercules took the distaff, and sampson was shorn of his strength, are in their spirit, no fables. yet, these were the legends of ages less degenerate than this, and states of society less corrupt. ask your own heart--whether some of its most exquisite sensations have not arisen from sources, which, to nine-tenths of the world, would be equally inconceivable: mine, i believe, is a _solitary madness in the eighteenth century: it is not on the altars of love, but of gold, that men, now, come to pay their offerings_. 'why call woman, miserable, oppressed, and impotent, woman--_crushed, and then insulted_--why call her to _independence_--which not nature, but the barbarous and accursed laws of society, have denied her? _this is mockery!_ even you, wise and benevolent as you are, can mock the child of slavery and sorrow! "excluded, as it were, by the pride, luxury, and caprice, of the world, from expanding my sensations, and wedding my soul to society, i was constrained to bestow the strong affections, that glowed consciously within me, upon a few."[18] love, in minds of any elevation, cannot be generated but upon a real, or fancied, foundation of excellence. but what would be a miracle in architecture, is true in morals--the fabric can exist when the foundation has mouldered away. _habit_ daily produces this wonderful effect upon every feeling, and every principle. is not this the theory which you have taught me? [footnote 18: godwin's caleb williams.] 'am i not sufficiently ingenuous?--i will give you a new proof of my frankness (though not the proof you require).--from the miserable consequences of wretched moral distinctions, from chastity having been considered as a sexual virtue, all these calamities have flowed. men are thus rendered sordid and dissolute in their pleasures; their affections vitiated, and their feelings petrified; the simplicity of modest tenderness loses its charm; they become incapable of satisfying the heart of a woman of sensibility and virtue.--half the sex, then, are the wretched, degraded, victims of brutal instinct: the remainder, if they sink not into mere frivolity and insipidity, are sublimed into a sort of--[what shall i call them?]--refined, romantic, factitious, unfortunate, beings; who, for the sake of the present moment, dare not expose themselves to complicated, inevitable, evils; evils, that will infallibly overwhelm them with misery and regret! woe be, more especially, to those who, possessing the dangerous gifts of fancy and feeling, find it as difficult to discover a substitute for the object as for the sentiment! you, who are a philosopher, will you still controvert the principles founded in truth and nature? "gross as is my folly," (and i do not deny it) "you may perceive i was not wholly wandering in darkness. but while the wintry sun of hope illumined the fairy frost-work with a single, slanting ray--dazzled by the transient brightness, i dreaded the meridian fervors that should dissolve the glittering charm." yes! it was madness--but it was the pleasurable madness which none but madmen know. 'i cannot answer your question--pain me not by its repetition; neither seek to ensnare me to the disclosure. unkindly, severely, as i have been treated, i will not risque, even, the possibility of injuring the man, whom i have so tenderly loved, in the esteem of any one. were i to name him, you know him not; you could not judge of his qualities. he is not "a model of excellence." i perceive it, with pain--and if obliged to retract my judgment on some parts of his character--i retract it with agonizing reluctance! but i could trace the sources of his errors, and candour and self-abasement imperiously compel me to a mild judgment, to stifle the petulant suggestions of a wounded spirit. 'ought not our principles, my friend, to soften the asperity of our censures?--could i have won him to my arms, i thought i could soften, and even elevate, his mind--a mind, in which i still perceive a great proportion of good. i weep for him, as well as for myself. he will, one day, know my value, and feel my loss. still, i am sensible, that, by my extravagance, i have given a great deal of vexation (possibly some degradation), to a being, whom i had no right to persecute, or to compel to chuse happiness through a medium of my creation. i cannot exactly tell the extent of the injury i may have done him. a long train of consequences succeed, even, our most indifferent actions.--strong energies, though they answer not the end proposed, must yet produce correspondent effects. morals and mechanics are here analogous. no longer, then, distress me by the repetition of a question i ought not to answer. i am content to be the victim--oh! may i be the only victim--of my folly! 'one more observation allow me to make, before i conclude. that we can "admire, esteem, and love," an individual--(for love in the abstract, loving mankind collectively, conveys to me no idea)--which must be, in fact, depending upon that individual for a large share of our felicity, and not lament his loss, in proportion to our apprehension of his worth, appears to me a proposition, involving in itself an absurdity; therefore demonstrably false. 'let me, my friend, see you ere long--your remonstrance has affected me--save me from myself!' to the same. [in continuation.] 'my letter having been delayed a few days, through a mistake--i resume my pen; for, running my eye over what i had written, i perceive (confounded by the force of your expressions) i have granted you too much. my conduct was not, altogether, so insane as i have been willing to allow. it is certain, that could i have attained the end proposed, my happiness had been encreased. "it is necessary for me to love and admire, or i sink into sadness." the behaviour of the man, whom i sought to move, appeared to me too inconsistent to be the result of _indifference_. to be roused and stimulated by obstacles--obstacles admitting hope, because obscurely seen--is no mark of weakness. could i have subdued, what i, _then_, conceived to be the _prejudices_ of a worthy man, i could have increased both his happiness and my own. i deeply reasoned, and philosophized, upon the subject. perseverance, with little ability, has effected wonders;--with perseverance, i felt, that, i had the power of uniting ability--confiding in that power, i was the dupe of my own reason. no other man, perhaps, could have acted the part which this man has acted:--how, then, was i to take such a part into my calculations? 'do not misconceive me--it is no miracle that i did not inspire affection. on this subject, the mortification i have suffered has humbled me, it may be, even, unduly in my own eyes--but to the emotions of my pride, i would disdain to give words. whatever may have been my feelings, i am too proud to express the rage of slighted love!--yet, i am sensible to all the powers of those charming lines of pope- "unequal talk, a passion to resign, for hearts so touch'd, so pierc'd, so lost, as mine! ere such a soul regains its peaceful state, how often must it love, how often hate; how often hope, despair, resent, regret, conceal, disdain, _do all things but forget_!" 'but to return. i pursued, comparatively, (as i thought) a certain good; and when, at times, discouraged, i have repeated to myself--what! after all these pains, shall i relinquish my efforts, when, perhaps, on the very verge of success?--to say nothing of the difficulty of forcing an active mind out of its trains--if i desisted, what was to be the result? the sensations i now feel--apathy, stagnation, abhorred vacuity! 'you cannot resist the force of my reasoning--you, who are acquainted with, who know how to paint, in colours true to nature, the human heart--you, who admire, as a proof of power, the destructive courage of an alexander, even the fanatic fury of a ravaillac--you, who honour the pernicious ambition of an augustus cæsar, as bespeaking the potent, energetic, mind!--why should _you_ affect to be intolerant to a passion, though differing in nature, generated on the same principles, and by a parallel process. the capacity of perception, or of receiving sensation, is (or generates) the power; into what channel that power shall be directed, depends not on ourselves. are we not the creatures of outward impressions? without such impressions, should we be any thing? are not passions and powers synonimous--or can the latter be produced without the lively interest that constitutes the former? do you dream of annihilating the one--and will not the other be extinguished? with the apostle, paul, permit me to say--"i am not mad, but speak the words of truth and soberness." 'to what purpose did you read my confessions, but to trace in them a character formed, like every other human character, by the result of unavoidable impressions, and the chain of necessary events. i feel, that my arguments are incontrovertible:--i suspect that, by affecting to deny their force, you will endeavour to deceive either me or yourself.--i have acquired the power of reasoning on this subject at a dear rate--at the expence of inconceivable suffering. attempt not to deny me the miserable, expensive, victory. i am ready to say--(ungrateful that i am)--why did you put me upon calling forth my strong reason? 'i perceive there is no cure for me--(apathy is, not the restoration to health, but, the morbid lethargy of the soul) but by a new train of impressions, of whatever nature, equally forcible with the past.--you will tell me, it remains with myself whether i will predetermine to resist such impressions. is this true? is it philosophical? ask yourself. what!--can _even you_ shrink from the consequences of your own principles? 'one word more--you accuse me of brooding in silence over my sensations--of considering them as a "sacred deposit." concealment is particularly repugnant to my disposition--yet a thousand delicacies--a thousand nameless solicitudes, and apprehensions, sealed my lips!--he who inspired them was, alone, the depositary of my most secret thoughts!--my heart was unreservedly open before him--i covered my paper with its emotions, and transmitted it to him--like him who whispered his secret into the earth, to relieve the burden of uncommunicated thought. my secret was equally safe, and received in equal silence! alas! he was not then ignorant of the effects it was likely to produce! 'emma.' mr francis continued his humane and friendly attentions; and, while he opposed my sentiments, as conceiving them destructive of my tranquillity, mingled with his opposition a gentle and delicate consideration for my feelings, that sensibly affected me, and excited my grateful attachment. he judged right, that, by stimulating my mind into action, the sensations, which so heavily oppressed it, might be, in some measure, mitigated--by diverting the course of my ideas into different channels, and by that means abating their force. his kindness soothed and flattered me, and communications relieved my thoughts. chapter xiii the period which succeeded these events, though tedious in wearing away, marked by no vicissitude, has left little impression behind. the tenor of my days resembled the still surface of a stagnant lake, embosomed in a deep cavern, over which the refreshing breezes never sweep. sad, vacant, inactive--the faculties both of mind and body seemed almost suspended. i became weak, languid, enervated--my disorder was a lethargy of soul. this was gradually succeeded by disease of body:--an inactivity, so contrary to all the habits of my past life, generated morbid humours, and brought on a slow, remitting, fever. i recovered, by degrees, from this attack, but remained for some time in a debilitated, though convalescent, state. a few weeks after my disorder returned, lasted longer, and left me still more weakened and depressed. a third time it assailed me, at a shorter interval; and, though less violent, was more protracted, and more exhausting. mrs denbeigh, alarmed by my situation, wrote to mrs harley, expressing the apprehensions which she entertained. from this dear friend, who was herself in a declining state of health, i received a pressing invitation to visit, once more, the village of f----; and to seek, from change of air, change of scene, and the cordial endearments of friendship, a restoration for my debilitated frame, and a balm for my wounded mind. my relation, at this period, had letters from her husband, informing her, that the term of his residence in india was prolonged; pressing her to join him there, and to come over in the next ship. to this request she joyfully acceded; and, hearing that a packet was about to sail for bengal, secured her passage, and began immediately to make preparations for her departure. i no longer hesitated to comply with the entreaties of my friend; besides the tie of strong affection, which drew me to her, i had, at present, little other resource. after affectionately embracing mrs denbeigh, wishing a happy issue to her voyage, thanking her for all her kindness, and leaving a letter of grateful acknowledgement for mr francis, i quitted the metropolis, with an aching heart, and a wasted frame. my cousin accompanied me to the inn, from whence the vehicle set out that was to convey me to mrs harley. we parted in silence--a crowd of retrospective ideas of the past, and solicitudes respecting the future, occupied our thoughts--our sensations were too affecting for words. the carriage quitted london at the close of the evening, and travelled all night:--it was towards the end of the year. at midnight we passed over hounslow and bagshot heaths. 'the moon,' to adopt the language of ossian, 'looked through broken clouds, and brightened their dark-brown sides.' a loud november blast howled over the heath, and whistled through the fern.--there was a melancholy desolation in the scene, that was in unison with my feelings, and which overwhelmed my spirits with a tide of tender recollections. i recalled to my imagination a thousand interesting images--i indulged in all the wild enthusiasm of my character. my fellow-travellers slept tranquilly, while my soul was awake to agonizing sorrow. i adopted the language of the tender eloisa--'why,' said i, 'am i indebted for life to his care, whose cruelty has rendered it insupportable? inhuman, as he is, let him fly from me for ever, and deny himself the savage pleasure of being an eye-witness to my sorrows!--but why do i rave thus?--he is not to be blamed--_i, alone, am guilty_--i, alone, am the author of my own misfortunes, and should, therefore, be the only object of anger and resentment.'[19] [footnote 19: rousseau.] weakened by my late indisposition, fatigued by the rough motion of the carriage, and exhausted by strong emotion, when arrived at the end of my journey, i was obliged to be lifted from the coach, and carried into the cottage of my friend. the servant led the way to the library--the door opened--mrs harley advanced, to receive me, with tottering steps. the ravages of grief, and the traces of sickness, were visible in her dear, affectionate, countenance. i clasped my hands, and, lifting up my eyes, beheld the portrait of augustus--beheld again the resemblance of those features so deeply engraven on my heart! my imagination was raised--methought the lively colours of the complexion had faded, the benignant smile had vanished, and an expression of perplexity and sternness usurped its place. i uttered a faint shriek, and fell lifeless into the arms of my friend. it was some time before i returned to sense and recollection, when i found myself on the bed, in the little chamber which had formerly been appropriated to my use. my friend sat beside me, holding my hand in her's, which she bathed with her tears. 'thank god!' she exclaimed, in a rapturous accent, (as, with a deep sigh, i raised my languid eyes, and turned them mournfully towards her)--'she lives!--my emma!--child of my affections!'--sobs suppressed her utterance. i drew the hand, which held mine, towards me--i pressed it to my bosom--'_my mother!_'--i would have said; but the tender appellation died away upon my lips, in inarticulate murmurs. these severe struggles were followed by a return of my disorder. mrs harley would scarcely be persuaded to quit my chamber for a moment--her tenderness seemed to afford her new strength;--but these exertions accelerated the progress of an internal malady, which had for some time past been gaining ground, and gradually undermining her health. youth, and a good constitution, aided by the kind solicitudes of friendship, restored me, in a few weeks, to a state of convalescence. i observed the declining strength of my friend with terror--i accused myself of having, though involuntarily, added to these alarming symptoms, by the new fatigues and anxieties which i had occasioned her. affection inspired me with those energies, that reason had vainly dictated. i struggled to subdue myself--i stifled the impetuous suggestions of my feelings, in exerting myself to fulfil the duties of humanity. my mind assumed a firmer tone--i became, once more, the cheerful companion, the tender consoler, the attentive nurse, of this excellent woman, to whose kindness i was so much indebted--and, if i stole a few moments in the day, while my friend reposed, to gaze on the resemblance of augustus, to weep over the testimonies of his former respect and friendship, i quickly chased from my bosom, and my countenance, every trace of sadness, when summoned to attend my friend. chapter xiv the winter came on severe and cold. mrs harley was forbidden to expose herself to the frosty air, which seemed to invigorate my languid frame. i was constituted her almoner, to distribute to the neighbouring poor the scanty portion, which she was enabled, by a rigid oeconomy, to spare from her little income: yet the value of this distribution had been more than redoubled, by the gentler charities of kind accents, tender sympathy, and wholesome counsels. to these indigent, but industrious, cottagers, i studied to be the worthy representative of their amiable benefactress, and found my reward in their grateful attachment, and the approving smiles of my friend. by degrees, she ventured to converse with me on the subject nearest her heart--the situation of her son. he had been obliged to yield to the proofs produced of his marriage, which he had, at first, seemed desirous of evading. he had written, with reserve, upon the subject to his mother; but, from the enquiries of a common friend, she had reason to apprehend, that his engagement had been of an imprudent nature. two children, were, already the fruits of it: the mother, with a feminine helplessness of character, had a feeble constitution. the small fortune, which augustus had originally shared with his family, was greatly reduced. his education and habits had unfitted him for those exertions which the support of an encreasing family necessarily required:--his spirits (her friend had informed her) seemed broken, and his temper soured. some efforts had been made to serve him, which his lofty spirit had repelled with disdain. this narration deeply affected my heart--i had resigned myself to his loss--but the idea of his suffering, i felt, was an evil infinitely severer. it was this conviction that preyed incessantly on the peace and health of his mother. my fortitude failed, when i would have tried to sustain her; and i could only afford the melancholy satisfaction of mingling my sorrows with her's. the disorder of my friend rapidly increased--her mind became weakened, and her feelings wayward and irritable. i watched her incessantly--i strove, by every alleviating care, to soften her pains. towards the approach of spring the symptoms grew more threatening; and it was judged, by her physician, necessary to apprize her family of her immediate danger. what a trial for my exhausted heart! i traced, with a trembling hand, a line to this melancholy purpose--addressed it to mr harley, and through him to his younger brothers and sisters. in a few days they arrived in the village--sending from the inn a servant, to prepare their mother for their approach. i gently intimated to her the visitants we might expect. the previous evening, a change had taken place, which indicated approaching dissolution; and her mind (not uncommon in similar cases) seemed, almost instantaneously, to have recovered a portion of its original strength. she sighed deeply, while her eyes, which were fixed wistfully on my face, were lighted with a bright, but transient, lustre. 'my dear emma,' said she, 'this is a trying moment for us both. i shall soon close my eyes, for ever, upon all worldly cares.--still cherish, in your pure and ingenuous mind, a friendship for my augustus--the darling of my soul! he may, in future, stand in need of consolation. i had formed hopes--vain hopes!--in which you and he were equally concerned. in the happiness of this partially-favoured child--this idol of my affections--all mine was concentrated. he has disappointed me, and i have lost the desire of living--yet, he has noble qualities!--who, alas! is perfect? summon your fortitude, collect your powers, my child, for this interview!' she sunk on her pillow--i answered her only with my tears. a servant entered--but spoke not--her look announced her tidings--it caught the eye of mrs harley-'let them enter,' said she; and she raised herself, to receive them, and assumed an aspect of composure. i covered my face with my handkerchief--i heard the sound of footsteps approaching the bed--i heard the murmurs of filial sorrow--the voice of augustus, in low and interrupted accents, struck upon my ear--it thrilled through my nerves--i shuddered, involuntarily--what a moment! my friend spoke a few words, in a faint tone. 'my children,' she added, 'repay to this dear girl,' laying her hand upon mine, 'the debt of kindness i owe her--she has smoothed the pillow of death--she is an orphan--she is tender and unfortunate.' i ventured to remove for a moment the handkerchief from my eyes--they met those of augustus--he was kneeling by the bed-side--his countenance was wan, and every feature sunk in dejection; a shivering crept through my veins, and chilled my heart with a sensation of icy coldness--he removed his eyes, fixing them on his dying mother. 'my son,' she resumed, in still fainter accents, 'behold in emma, your sister--_your friend!_--confide in her--she is worthy of your confidence!'--'will you not love him, my child,'--(gazing upon me,)--'with a sisterly affection?' i hid my face upon the pillow of my friend--i threw my arms around her--'your request is superfluous, my friend, my more than parent, _ah, how superfluous_!' 'forgive me, i know the tenderness of your nature--yielding, in these parting moments, to the predominant affection of my heart--i fear, i have wounded that tender nature.' 'farewell, my children! love and assist each other--augustus, where is your hand?--my sight fails me--god bless you and your little ones--_god bless you all_!--my last sigh--my last prayer--is yours.' exhausted by these efforts, she fainted--augustus uttered a deep groan, and raised her in his arms--but life was fled. at the remembrance of these scenes, even at this period, my heart is melted within me. what is there of mournful magic in the emotions of virtuous sorrow, that in retracing, in dwelling upon them, mingles with our tears a sad and sublime rapture? nature, that has infused so much misery into the cup of human life, has kindly mixed this strange and mysterious ingredient to qualify the bitter draught. chapter xv after the performance of the last melancholy duties, this afflicted family prepared to separate. i received from them, individually, friendly offers of service, and expressions of acknowledgment, for my tender attentions to their deceased parent. i declined, for the present, their invitations, and profferred kindness, though uncertain how to dispose of myself, or which way to direct my course. augustus behaved towards me with distant, cold, respect. i observed in his features, under a constrained appearance of composure, marks of deep and strong emotion. i recalled to my mind the injunctions of my deceased friend--i yearned to pour into his bosom the balm of sympathy, but, with an aspect bordering on severity, he repressed the expression of those ingenuous feelings which formed my character, and shunned the confidence i so earnestly sought. unfortunate love had, in my subdued and softened mind, laid the foundation of a fervent and durable friendship--but my love, my friendship, were equally contemned! i relinquished my efforts--i shut myself in my chamber--and, in secret, indulged my sorrows. the house of my deceased friend was sold, and the effects disposed of. on the day previous to their removal, and the departure of the family for london, i stole into the library, at the close of the evening, to view, for _the last time_, the scene of so many delightful, so many afflicting emotions. a mysterious and sacred enchantment is spread over every circumstance, even every inanimate object, connected with the affections. to those who are strangers to these delicate, yet powerful sympathies, this may appear ridiculous--but the sensations are not the less genuine, nor the less in nature. i will not attempt to analyse them, it is a subject upon which the language of philosophy would appear frigid, and on which i feel myself every moment on the verge of fanaticism. yet, affections like these are not so much weakness, as strength perhaps badly exerted. rousseau was, right, when he asserted, that, 'common men know nothing of violent sorrows, nor do great passions ever break out in weak minds. energy of sentiment is the characteristic of a noble soul.' i gazed from the windows on the shrubbery, where i had so often wandered with my friends--where i had fondly cherished so many flattering, so many visionary, prospects. every spot, every tree, was associated with some past pleasure, some tender recollection. the last rays of the setting sun, struggling from beneath a louring cloud, streamed through its dark bosom, illumined its edges, played on the window in which i was standing, and gilding the opposite side of the wainscot, against which the picture of augustus still hung, shed a soft and mellow lustre over the features. i turned almost unconsciously, and contemplated it with a long and deep regard. it seemed to smile benignly--it wore no traces of the cold austerity, the gloomy and inflexible reserve, which now clouded the aspect of the original. i called to my remembrance a thousand interesting conversations--when 'tuned to happy unison of soul, a fairer world of which the vulgar never had a glimpse, displayed, its charms.' absorbed in thought, the crimson reflection from the western clouds gradually faded, while the deep shades of the evening, thickened by the appearance of a gathering tempest, involved in obscurity the object on which, without distinctly perceiving it, i still continued to gaze. i was roused from this reverie by the sudden opening of the door. some person, whom the uncertain light prevented me from distinguishing, walked across the room, with a slow and solemn pace, and, after taking several turns backwards and forwards, reclined on the sopha, remaining for some time perfectly still. a tremor shook my nerves--unable either to speak, or to move, i continued silent and trembling--my heart felt oppressed, almost to suffocation--at length, a deep, convulsive sigh, forced its way. 'my god!' exclaimed the person, whose meditations i had interrupted, 'what is that?' it was the voice of mr harley, he spoke in a stern tone, though with some degree of trepidation, and advanced hastily towards the window against which i leaned. the clouds had for some hours been gathering dark and gloomy. just as augustus had reached the place where i stood, a flash of lightning, pale, yet vivid, glanced suddenly across my startled sight, and discovered to him the object which had alarmed him. 'emma,' said he, in a softened accent, taking my trembling and almost lifeless hand, 'how came you here, which way did you enter?' i answered not--another flash of lightning, still brighter, blue and sulphurous, illuminated the room, succeeded by a loud and long peal of thunder. again the heavens seemed to rend asunder and discover a sheet of livid flame--a crash of thunder, sudden, loud, short, immediately followed, bespeaking the tempest near. i started with a kind of convulsive terror. augustus led me from the window, and endeavoured, in vain, to find the door of the library--the temporary flashes, and total darkness by which they were succeeded, dazzled and confounded the sight. i stumbled over some furniture, which stood in the middle of the room, and unable to recover my feet, which refused any longer to sustain me, sunk into the arms of augustus, suffering him to lift me to the sopha. he seated himself beside me, the storm continued; the clouds, every moment parting with a horrible noise, discovered an abyss of fire, while the rain descended in a deluge. we silently contemplated this sublime and terrible scene. augustus supported me with one arm, while my trembling hand remained in his. the tempest soon exhausted itself by its violence--the lightning became less fierce, gleaming at intervals--the thunder rolled off to a distance--its protracted sound, lengthened by the echoes, faintly died away; while the rain continued to fall in a still, though copious, shower. my spirits grew calmer, i gently withdrew my hand from that of mr harley. he once more enquired, but in a tone of greater reserve, how i had entered the room without his knowledge? i explained, briefly and frankly, my situation, and the tender motives by which i had been influenced. 'it was not possible,' added i, 'to take leave of this house _for ever_, without recalling a variety of affecting and melancholy ideas--i feel, that i have lost _my only friend_.' 'this world,' said he, 'may not unaptly be compared to the rapids on the american rivers--we are hurried, in a frail bark, down the stream--it is in vain to resist its course--happy are those whose voyage is ended!' 'my friend,' replied i in a faultering voice, 'i could teach my heart to bear your loss--though, god knows, the lesson has been sufficiently severe--but i know not how, with fortitude, to see you suffer.' 'suffering is the common lot of humanity--but, pardon me, when i say, your conduct has not tended to lessen my vexations!' 'my errors have been the errors of _affection_--do they deserve this rigor?' 'their source is not important, their consequences have been the same--you make not the allowances you claim.' 'dear, and severe, friend!--be not unjust--the confidence which i sought, and merited, would have been obviated'-'i know what you would alledge--that confidence, you had reason to judge, was of a painful nature--it ought not to have been extorted.' 'if i have been wrong, my faults have been severely expiated--if the error has been _only mine_, surely my sufferings have been in proportion; seduced by the fervor of my feelings; ignorant of your situation, if i wildly sought to oblige you to chuse happiness through a medium of my creation--yet, to have assured _yours_, was i not willing to risque all my own? i perceive my extravagance, my views were equally false and romantic--dare i to say--they were the ardent excesses of a generous mind? yes! my wildest mistakes had in them a dignified mixture of virtue. while the institutions of society war against nature and happiness, the mind of energy, struggling to emancipate itself, will entangle itself in error'-'permit me to ask you,' interrupted augustus, 'whether, absorbed in your own sensations, you allowed yourself to remember, and to respect, the feelings of others?' i could no longer restrain my tears, i wept for some moments in silence--augustus breathed a half-suppressed sigh, and turned from me his face. 'the pangs which have rent my heart,' resumed i, in low and broken accents, 'have, i confess, been but too poignant! that lacerated heart still bleeds--we have neither of us been guiltless--_alas! who is?_ yet in my bosom, severe feelings are not more painful than transient--already have i lost sight of your unkindness, (god knows how little i merited it!) in stronger sympathy for your sorrows--whatever be their nature! we have both erred--why should we not exchange mutual forgiveness? why should we afflict each other? friendship, like charity, should suffer all things and be kind!' 'my mind,' replied he coldly, 'is differently constituted.' '_unpitying man!_ it would be hard for us, if we were all to be judged at so severe a tribunal--you have been a _lover_,' added i, in a softer tone, 'and can you not forgive the faults of _love_?' he arose, visibly agitated--i also stood up--my bosom deeply wounded, and, unknowing what i did, took his hand, and pressed it to my lips. 'you have rudely thrown from you a heart of exquisite sensibility--you have contemned my love, and you disdain my friendship--is it brave, is it manly,' added i wildly--almost unconscious of what i said--forgetting at the moment his situation and my own--'thus to triumph over a spirit, subdued by its affections into unresisting meekness?' he broke from me, and precipitately quitted the room. i threw myself upon the floor, and, resting my head on the seat which augustus had so lately occupied, passed the night in cruel conflict--a tempest more terrible than that which had recently spent its force, shook my soul! the morning dawned, ere i had power to remove myself from the fatal spot, where the measure of my afflictions seemed filled up.--virtue may conquer weakness, but who can bear to be despised by those they love. the sun darted its beams full upon me, but its splendour appeared mockery--hope and joy were for ever excluded from my benighted spirit. the contempt of the world, the scoffs of ignorance, the contumely of the proud, i could have borne without shrinking--but to find myself rejected, contemned, scorned, by him with whom, of all mankind, my heart claimed kindred; by him for whom my youth, my health, my powers, were consuming in silent anguish--who, instead of pouring balm into the wound he had inflicted, administered only corrosives!--_it was too painful!_ i felt, that i had been a lavish prodigal--that i had become a wretched bankrupt; that there was but _one way_ to make me happy and _a thousand_ to make me miserable! enfeebled and exhausted, i crawled to my apartment, and, throwing myself on the bed, gave a loose to the agony of my soul. chapter xvi under pretence of indisposition, i refused to meet the family. i heard them depart. too proud to accept of obligation, i had not confided to them my plans, if plans they could be called, where no distinct end was in view. a few hours after their departure, i once more seated myself in a stage coach, in which i had previously secured a place, and took the road to london. i perceived, on entering the carriage, only one passenger, who had placed himself in the opposite corner, and in whom, to my great surprize, i immediately recognized mr montague. we had not met since the visit he had paid me at mrs harley's, the result of which i have already related: since that period, it had been reported in the village, that he addressed sarah morton, and that they were about to be united. montague manifested equal surprize at our meeting: the intelligence of my friend's death (at which he expressed real concern) had not reached him, neither was he acquainted with my being in that part of the country. he had not lately been at mr morton's, he informed me, but had just left his father's, and was going to london to complete his medical studies. after these explanations, absorbed in painful contemplation, i for some time made little other return to his repeated civilities, than by cold monosyllables: till at length, his cordial sympathy, his gentle accents, and humane attentions, awakened me from my reverie. ever accessible to the soothings of kindness, i endeavoured to exert myself, to prove the sense i felt of his humanity. gratified by having succeeded in attracting my attention, he redoubled his efforts to cheer and amuse me. my dejected and languid appearance had touched his feelings, and, towards the end of our journey, his unaffected zeal to alleviate the anxiety under which i evidently appeared to labour, soothed my mind and inspired me with confidence. he respectfully requested to know in what part of the town i resided, and hoped to be permitted to pay his respects to me, and to enquire after my welfare? this question awakened in my bosom so many complicated and painful sensations, that, after remaining silent for a few minutes, i burst into a flood of tears. 'i have no home;' said i, in a voice choaked with sobs--'i am an alien in the world--and alone in the universe.' his eyes glistened, his countenance expressed the most lively, and tender, commiseration, while, in a timid and respectful voice, he made me offers of service, and entreated me to permit him to be useful to me. 'i then mentioned, in brief, my present unprotected situation, and hinted, that as my fortune was small, i could wish to procure a humble, but decent, apartment in a reputable family, till i had consulted one friend, who, i yet flattered myself, was interested in my concerns, or till i could fix on a more eligible method of providing for myself.' he informed me--'that he had a distant relation in town, a decent, careful, woman, who kept a boarding house, and whose terms were very reasonable. he was assured, would i permit him to introduce me to her, she would be happy, should her accommodation suit me, to pay me every attention in her power.' in my forlorn situation, i confided, without hesitation, in his recommendation, and gratefully acceded to the proposal. mr montague introduced me to this lady in the most flattering terms, she received me with civility, but, i fancied, not without a slight mixture of distrust. i agreed with her for a neat chamber, with a sitting room adjoining, on the second floor, and settled for the terms of my board, more than the whole amount of the interest of my little fortune. chapter xvii i took an early opportunity of addressing a few lines to mr francis, informing him of my situation, and entreating his counsel. i waited a week, impatiently, for his reply, but in vain: well acquainted with his punctuality, and alarmed by this silence, i mentioned the step i had taken, and my apprehensions, to montague, who immediately repaired, himself, to the house of mr francis; and, finding it shut up, was informed by the neighbours, that mr francis had quitted england, a short time before, in company with a friend, intending to make a continental tour. this intelligence was a new shock to me. i called on some of my former acquaintance, mentioning to them my wish of procuring pupils, or of engaging in any other occupation fitted to my talents. i was received by some with civility, by others with coldness, but every one appeared too much engrossed by his own affairs to give himself the trouble of making any great exertion for others. i returned dispirited--i walked through the crowded city, and observed the anxious and busy faces of all around me. in the midst of my fellow beings, occupied in various pursuits, i seemed, as if in an immense desart, a solitary outcast from society. active, industrious, willing to employ my faculties in any way, by which i might procure an honest independence, i beheld no path open to me, but that to which my spirit could not submit--the degradation of servitude. hapless woman!--crushed by the iron hand of barbarous despotism, pampered into weakness, and trained the slave of meretricious folly!--what wonder, that, shrinking from the chill blasts of penury (which the pernicious habits of thy education have little fitted thy tender frame to encounter) thou listenest to the honied accents of the spoiler; and, to escape the galling chain of servile dependence, rushest into the career of infamy, from whence the false and cruel morality of the world forbids thy return, and perpetuates thy disgrace and misery! when will mankind be aware of the uniformity, of the importance, of truth? when will they cease to confound, by sexual, by political, by theological, distinctions, those immutable principles, which form the true basis of virtue and happiness? the paltry expedients of combating error with error, and prejudice with prejudice, in one invariable and melancholy circle, have already been sufficiently tried, have already been demonstrated futile:--they have armed man against man, and filled the world with crimes, and with blood.--how has the benign and gentle nature of reform been mistated! 'one false idea,' justly says an acute and philosophic writer,[20] 'united with others, produces such as are necessarily false; which, combining again with all those the memory retains, give to all a tinge of falsehood. one error, alone, is sufficient to infect the whole mass of the mind, and produce an infinity of capricious, monstrous, notions.--every vice is the error of the understanding; crimes and prejudices are brothers; truth and virtue sisters. these things, known to the wise, are hid from fools!' [footnote 20: helvetius.] without a sufficiently interesting pursuit, a fatal torpor stole over my spirits--my blood circulated languidly through my veins. montague, in the intervals from business and amusement, continued to visit me. he brought me books, read to me, chatted with me, pressed me to accompany him to places of public entertainment, which (determined to incur no pecuniary obligation) i invariably refused. i received his civilities with the less scruple, from the information i had received of his engagement with miss morton; which, with his knowledge of my unhappy attachment, i thought, precluded every idea of a renewal of those sentiments he had formerly professed for me. in return for his friendship, i tried to smile, and exerted my spirits, to prove my grateful sensibility of his kindness: but, while he appeared to take a lively interest in my sorrows, he carefully avoided a repetition of the language in which he had once addressed me; yet, at times, his tender concern seemed sliding into a sentiment still softer, which obliged me to practise more reserve: he was not insensible of this, and was frequently betrayed into transient bursts of passion and resentment, which, on my repelling with firmness, he would struggle to repress, and afterwards absent himself for a time. unable to devise any method of increasing my income, and experiencing the pressure of some daily wants and inconveniencies, i determined, at length, on selling the sum invested, in my name, in the funds, and purchasing a life annuity. recollecting the name of a banker, with whom my uncle, the friend of my infancy, had formerly kept cash, i learned his residence, and, waiting upon him, made myself known as the niece of an old and worthy friend; at the same time acquainting him with my intentions.--he offered to transact the affair for me immediately, the funds being, then, in a very favourable position; and to preserve the money in his hands till an opportunity should offer of laying it out to advantage. i gave him proper credentials for the accomplishing of this business, and returned to my apartment with a heart somewhat lightened. this scheme had never before occurred to me. the banker, who was a man of commercial reputation, had assured me, that my fortune might now be sold out with little loss; and that, by purchasing an annuity, on proper security, at seven or eight per cent, i might, with oeconomy, be enabled to support myself decently, with comfort and independence. chapter xviii some weeks elapsed, and i heard no more from my banker. a slight indisposition confined me to the house. one evening, mr montague, coming to my apartment to enquire after my health, brought with him a newspaper (as was his frequent custom), and, finding me unwell, and dispirited, began to read some parts from it aloud, in the hope of amusing me. among the articles of home intelligence, a paragraph stated--'the failure of a considerable mercantile house, which had created an alarm upon the exchange, as, it was apprehended, some important consequences would follow in the commercial world. a great banking-house, it was hinted, not many miles from ----, was likely to be affected, by some rumours, in connection with this business, which had occasioned a considerable run upon it for the last two or three days.' my attention was roused--i eagerly held out my hand for the paper, and perused this alarming paragraph again and again, without observing the surprize expressed in the countenance of montague, who was at a loss to conceive why this intelligence should be affecting to me.--i sat, for some minutes, involved in thought, till a question from my companion, several times repeated, occasioned me to start. i immediately recollected myself, and tried to reason away my fears, as vague and groundless. i was about to explain the nature of them to my friend--secretly accusing myself for not having done so sooner, and availed myself of his advice, when a servant, entering, put a letter into his hand. looking upon the seal and superscription, he changed colour, and opened it hastily. strong emotion was painted in his features while he perused it. i regarded him with anxiety. he rose from his seat, walked up and down the room with a disordered pace--opened the door, as if with an intention of going out--shut it--returned back again--threw himself into a chair--covered his face with his handkerchief--appeared in great agitation--and burst into tears. i arose, went to him, and took his hand--'_my friend!_' said i--i would have added something more--but, unable to proceed, i sunk into a seat beside him, and wept in sympathy. he pressed my hand to his lips--folded me wildly in his arms, and attempted to speak--but his voice was lost in convulsive sobs. i gently withdrew myself, and waited, in silence, till the violence of his emotions should subside. he held out to me the letter he had received. i perused it. it contained an account of the sudden death of his father, and a summons for his immediate return to the country, to settle the affairs, and to take upon him his father's professional employment. 'you leave me, then!' said i--'i lose my only remaining friend!' '_never!_'--he replied, emphatically. i blushed for having uttered so improper, so selfish, a remark; and endeavoured to atone for it by forgetting the perils of my own situation, in attention to that of this ardent, but affectionate, young man.--his sufferings were acute and violent for some days, during which he quitted me only at the hours of repose--i devoted myself to sooth and console him. i felt, that i had been greatly indebted to his friendship and kindness, and i endeavoured to repay the obligation. he appeared fully sensible of my cares, and, mingled with his acknowledgments expressions of a tenderness, so lively, and unequivocal, as obliged me, once more, to be more guarded in my behaviour. in consideration for the situation of mr montague--i had forgotten the paragraph in the paper, till an accidental intelligence of the bankruptcy of the house, in which my little fortune was entrusted, confirmed to me the certainty of this terrible blow. montague was sitting with me when i received the unwelcome news. 'gracious god!' i exclaimed, clasping my hands, and raising my eyes to heaven--'what is to become of me now?--the measure of my sorrows is filled up!' it was some time before i had power to explain the circumstances to my companion. 'do not distress yourself, my lovely emma,' said he; 'i will be your friend--your guardian--' (and he added, in a low, yet fervent, accent) --'_your husband_!' 'no--no--no!' answered i, shaking my head, 'that must not, cannot, be! i would perish, rather than take advantage of a generosity like yours. i will go to service--i will work for my bread--and, if i cannot procure a wretched sustenance--_i can but die_! life, to me, has long been worthless!' my countenance, my voice, my manner, but too forcibly expressed the keen anguish of my soul. i seemed to be marked out for the victim of a merciless destiny--_for the child of sorrow_! the susceptible temper of montague, softened by his own affliction, was moved by my distress. he repeated, and enforced, his proposal, with all the ardour of a youthful, a warm, an uncorrupted, mind. 'you add to my distress,' replied i. 'i have not a heart to bestow--i lavished mine upon one, who scorned and contemned it. its sensibility is now exhausted. shall i reward a faithful and generous tenderness, like yours, with a cold, a worthless, an alienated, mind? no, no!--seek an object more worthy of you, and leave me to my fate.' at that moment, i had forgotten the report of his engagement with miss morton; but, on his persisting, vehemently, to urge his suit, i recollected, and immediately mentioned, it, to him. he confessed-'that, stung by my rejection, and preference of mr harley, he had, at one period, entertained a thought of that nature; but that he had fallen out with the family, in adjusting the settlements. mrs morton had persuaded her husband to make, what he conceived to be, ungenerous requisitions. miss morton had discovered much artifice, but little sensibility, on the occasion. disgusted with the apathy of the father, the insolence of the mother and the low cunning of the daughter, he had abruptly quitted them, and broken off all intercourse with the family.' it is not necessary to enlarge on this part of my narrative. suffice it to say, that, after a long contest, my desolate situation, added to the persevering affection of this enthusiastic young man, prevailed over my objections. his happiness, he told me, entirely depended on my decision. i would not deceive him:--i related to him, with simplicity and truth, all the circumstances of my past conduct towards mr harley. he listened to me with evident emotion--interrupted me, at times, with execrations; and, once or twice, vowing vengeance on augustus, appeared on the verge of outrage. but i at length reasoned him into greater moderation, and obliged him to do justice to the merit and honour of mr harley. he acquiesced reluctantly, and with an ill grace, yet, with a lover-like partiality, attributed his conduct to causes, of which i had discerned no traces. he assured himself that the affections of a heart, tender as mine, would be secured by kindness and assiduity--and i at last yielded to his importunity. we were united in a short time, and i accompanied my husband to the town of ----, in the county of ----, the residence of his late father. chapter xix mr montague presented me to his relations and friends, by whom i was received with a flattering distinction. my wearied spirits began now to find repose. my husband was much occupied in the duties of his profession. we had a respectable circle of acquaintance: in the intervals of social engagement, and domestic employment, ever thirsting after knowledge, i occasionally applied myself to the study of physic, anatomy, and surgery, with the various branches of science connected with them; by which means i frequently rendered myself essentially serviceable to my friend; and, by exercising my understanding and humanity, strengthened my mind, and stilled the importunate suggestions of a heart too exquisitely sensible. the manners of mr montague were kind and affectionate, though subject, at times, to inequalities and starts of passion; he confided in me, as his best and truest friend--and i deserved his confidence:--yet, i frequently observed the restlessness and impetuosity of his disposition with apprehension. i felt for my husband a rational esteem, and a grateful affection:--but those romantic, high-wrought, frenzied, emotions, that had rent my heart during its first attachment--that enthusiasm, that fanaticism, to which opposition had given force, the bare recollection of which still shook my soul with anguish, no longer existed. montague was but too sensible of this difference, which naturally resulted from the change of circumstances, and was unreasonable enough to complain of what secured our tranquillity. if a cloud, sometimes, hung over my brow--if i relapsed, for a short period, into a too habitual melancholy, he would grow captious, and complain. 'you esteem me, emma: i confide in your principles, and i glory in your friendship--but, you have never _loved_ me!' 'why will you be so unjust, both to me, and to yourself?' 'tell me, then, sincerely--i know you will not deceive me--have you ever felt for me those sentiments with which augustus harley inspired you?' 'certainly not--i do not pretend to it--neither ought you to wish it. my first attachment was the morbid excess of a distempered imagination. liberty, reason, virtue, usefulness, were the offerings i carried to its shrine. it preyed incessantly upon my heart, i drank up its vital spirit, it became a vice from its excess--it was a pernicious, though a sublime, enthusiasm--its ravages are scarcely to be remembered without shuddering--all the strength, the dignity, the powers, of my mind, melted before it! do you wish again to see me the slave of my passions--do you regret, that i am restored to reason? to you i owe every thing--life, and its comforts, rational enjoyments, and the opportunity of usefulness. i feel for you all the affection that a reasonable and a virtuous mind ought to feel--that affection which is compatible with the fulfilling of other duties. we are guilty of vice and selfishness when we yield ourselves up to unbounded desires, and suffer our hearts to be wholly absorbed by one object, however meritorious that object may be.' 'ah! how calmly you reason,--while i listen to you i cannot help loving and admiring you, but i must ever hate that accursed harley--no! _i am not satisfied_--and i sometimes regret that i ever beheld you.' many months glided away with but little interruptions to our tranquillity.--a remembrance of the past would at times obtrude itself, like the broken recollections of a feverish vision. to banish these painful retrospections, i hastened to employ myself; every hour was devoted to active usefulness, or to social and rational recreation. i became a mother; in performing the duties of a nurse, my affections were awakened to new and sweet emotions.--the father of my child appeared more respectable in my eyes, became more dear to me: the engaging smiles of my little emma repayed me for every pain and every anxiety. while i beheld my husband caress his infant, i tasted a pure, a chaste, an ineffable pleasure. chapter xx about six weeks after my recovery from childbed, some affairs of importance called mr montague to london. three days after he had quitted me, as, bending over the cradle of my babe, i contemplated in silence its tranquil slumbers, i was alarmed by an uncommon confusion in the lower part of the house. hastening down stairs, to enquire into the cause, i was informed--that a gentleman, in passing through the town, had been thrown from his horse, that he was taken up senseless, and, as was customary in cases of accident, had been brought into our house, that he might receive assistance. mr montague was from home, a young gentleman who resided with us, and assisted my husband in his profession, was also absent, visiting a patient. having myself acquired some knowledge of surgery, i went immediately into the hall to give the necessary directions on the occasion. the gentleman was lying on the floor, without any signs of life. i desired the people to withdraw, who, crowding round with sincere, but useless sympathy, obstructed the circulation of air. approaching the unfortunate man, i instantly recognised the well-known features, though much altered, wan and sunk, of _augustus harley_. staggering a few paces backward--a death-like sickness overspread my heart--a crowd of confused and terrible emotions rushed through my mind.--but a momentary reflection recalled my scattered thoughts. once before, i had saved from death an object so fatal to my repose. i exerted all my powers, his hair was clotted, and his face disfigured with blood; i ordered the servants to raise and carry him to an adjoining apartment, wherein was a large, low sopha, on which they laid him. carefully washing the blood from the wound, i found he had received a dangerous contusion in his head, but that the scull, as i had at first apprehended, was not fractured. i cut the hair from the wounded part, and applied a proper bandage. i did more--no other assistance being at hand, i ventured to open a vein: the blood presently flowed freely, and he began to revive. i bathed his temples, and sprinkled the room with vinegar, opened the windows to let the air pass freely through, raised his head with the pillows of the sopha, and sprinkled his face and breast with cold water. i held his hand in mine--i felt the languid and wavering pulse quicken--i fixed my eyes upon his face--at that moment every thing else was forgotten, and my nerves seemed firmly braced by my exertions. he at length opened his eyes, gazed upon me with a vacant look, and vainly attempted, for some time, to speak. at last, he uttered a few incoherent words, but i perceived his senses were wandering, and i conjectured, too truly, that his brain had received a concussion. he made an effort to rise, but sunk down again. 'where am i,' said he, 'every object appears to me double.' he shut his eyes, and remained silent. i mixed for him a cordial and composing medicine, and entreating him to take it, he once more raised himself, and looked up.--our eyes met, his were wild and unsettled. 'that voice,'--said he, in a low tone, 'that countenance--oh god! where am i?' a strong, but transient, emotion passed over his features. with a trembling hand he seized and swallowed the medicine i had offered, and again relapsed into a kind of lethargic stupor. i then gave orders for a bed to be prepared, into which i had him conveyed. i darkened the room, and desired, that he might be kept perfectly quiet. i retired to my apartment, my confinement was yet but recent, and i had not perfectly recovered my strength. exhausted by the strong efforts i had made, and the stronger agitation of my mind, i sunk into a fainting fit, (to which i was by no means subject) and remained for some time in a state of perfect insensibility. on my recovery, i learnt that mr lucas, the assistant of my husband, had returned, and was in the chamber of the stranger; i sent for him on his quitting the apartment, and eagerly interrogated him respecting the state of the patient. he shook his head--i related to him the methods i had taken, and enquired whether i had erred? he smiled-'you are an excellent surgeon,' said he, 'you acted very properly, but,' observing my pallid looks, 'i wish your little nursery may not suffer from your humanity'-'i lay no claim,' replied i with emotion--'to extraordinary humanity--i would have done the same for the poorest of my fellow creatures--but this gentleman is an old acquaintance, _a friend_, whom, in the early periods of my life, i greatly respected.' 'i am sorry for it, for i dare not conceal from you, that i think him in a dangerous condition.' i changed countenance--'there is no fracture, no bones are broken.'-'no, but the brain has received an alarming concussion--he is also, otherwise, much bruised, and, i fear, has suffered some internal injury.' 'you distress and terrify me,' said i, gasping for breath--'what is to be done--shall we call in further advice?' 'i think so; in the mean time, if you are acquainted with his friends, you would do well to apprize them of what has happened.' 'i know little of them, i know not where to address them--oh! save him,' continued i, clasping my hands with encreased emotion, unconscious of what i did, 'for god's sake save him, if you would preserve me from dis--' a look penetrating and curious from lucas, recalled me to reason. commending his patient to my care, he quitted me, and rode to the next town to procure the aid of a skilful and experienced physician. i walked up and down the room for some time in a state of distraction. 'he will die'--exclaimed i--'die in my house--fatal accident! oh, augustus! _too tenderly beloved_, thou wert fated to be the ruin of my peace! but, whatever may be the consequences, i will perform, for thee, the last tender offices.--i will not desert my duty!' the nurse brought to me my infant, it smiled in my face--i pressed it to my bosom--i wept over it.--how could i, from that agitated bosom, give it a pernicious sustenance? chapter xxi in the evening, i repaired to the chamber of mr harley, i sat by his bed-side, i gazed mournfully on his flushed, but vacant countenance--i took his hand--it was dry and burning--the pulse beat rapidly, but irregularly, beneath my trembling fingers. his lips moved, he seemed to speak, though inarticulately--but sometimes raising his voice, i could distinguish a few incoherent sentences. in casting my eyes round the room, i observed the scattered articles of his dress, his cloaths were black, and in his hat, which lay on the ground, i discovered a crape hatband. i continued to hold his burning hand in mine. 'she died,'--said he--'and my unkindness killed her--unhappy emma--thy heart was too tender!'--i shuddered--'no, no,'--continued he, after a few minutes pause, 'she is not married--she dared not give her hand without her heart, _and that heart was only mine_!' he added something more, in a lower tone, which i was unable to distinguish. overcome by a variety of sensations, i sunk into a chair, and, throwing my handkerchief over my face, indulged my tears. sometimes he mentioned his wife, sometimes his mother.--at length, speaking rapidly, in a raised voice--'my son,'--said he, 'thou hast no mother--but emma will be a mother to thee--she will love thee--_she loved thy father_--her heart was the residence of gentle affections--yet, i pierced that heart!' i suspected, that a confused recollection of having seen me on recovering from the state of insensibility, in which he had been brought, after the accident, into our house, had probably recalled the associations formerly connected with this idea. the scene became too affecting: i rushed from the apartment. all the past impressions seemed to revive in my mind--my thoughts, with fatal mechanism, ran back into their old and accustomed channels.--for a moment, conjugal, maternal, duties, every consideration _but for one object_ faded from before me! in a few hours, mr lucas returned with the physician;--i attended them to the chamber, heedfully watching their looks. the fever still continued very high, accompanied with a labouring, unsteady pulse, a difficult respiration, and strong palpitations of the heart. the doctor said little, but i discovered his apprehensions in his countenance. the patient appeared particularly restless and uneasy, and the delirium still continued. on quitting the apartment, i earnestly conjured the gentlemen to tell me their opinion of the case. they both expressed an apprehension of internal injury. 'but a short time,' they added, 'would determine it; in the mean while he must be kept perfectly still.' i turned from them, and walked to the window--i raised my eyes to heaven--i breathed an involuntary ejaculation--i felt that the crisis of my fate was approaching, and i endeavoured to steel my nerves--to prepare my mind for the arduous duties which awaited me. mr lucas approached me, the physician having quitted the room. '_mrs montague_,' said he, in an emphatic tone--'in your sympathy for a _stranger_, do not forget other relations.' 'i do not need, sir, to be reminded by you of my duties; were not the sufferings of a fellow being a sufficient claim upon our humanity, this gentleman has _more affecting claims_--i am neither a stranger to him, nor to his virtues.' 'so i perceive, madam,' said he, with an air a little sarcastic, 'i wish, mr montague were here to participate your cares.' 'i wish he were, sir, his generous nature would not disallow them.' i spoke haughtily, and abruptly left him. i took a turn in the garden, endeavouring to compose my spirits, and, after visiting the nursery, returned to the chamber of mr harley. i there found mr lucas, and in a steady tone, declared my intention of watching his patient through the night. 'as you please, madam,' said he coldly. i seated myself in an easy chair, reclining my head on my hand. the bed curtains were undrawn on the side next me. augustus frequently started, as from broken slumbers; his respiration grew, every moment, more difficult and laborious, and, sometimes, he groaned heavily, as if in great pain. once he suddenly raised himself in the bed, and, gazing wildly round the room, exclaimed in a distinct, but hurried tone-'why dost thou persecute me with thy ill-fated tenderness? a fathomless gulf separates us!--emma!' added he, in a plaintive voice, '_dost thou, indeed, still love me?_' and, heaving a convulsive sigh, sunk again on his pillow. mr lucas, who stood at the feet of the bed, turned his eye on me. i met his glance with the steady aspect of conscious rectitude. about midnight, our patient grew worse, and, after strong agonies, was seized with a vomiting of blood. the fears of the physician were but too well verified, he had again ruptured the blood-vessel, once before broken. mr lucas had but just retired, i ordered him to be instantly recalled, and, stifling every feeling, that might incapacitate me for active exertion, i rendered him all the assistance in my power--i neither trembled, nor shed a tear--i banished the _woman_ from my heart--i acquitted myself with a firmness that would not have disgraced the most experienced, and veteran surgeon. my services were materially useful, my solicitude vanquished every shrinking sensibility, _affection had converted me into a heroine_! the hæmorrhage continued, at intervals, all the next day: i passed once or twice from the chamber to the nursery, and immediately returned. we called in a consultation, but little hope was afforded. the next night, mr lucas and myself continued to watch--towards morning our exhausted patient sunk into an apparently tranquil slumber. mr lucas intreated me to retire, and take some repose, on my refusal, he availed himself of the opportunity, and went to his apartment, desiring to be called if any change should take place. the nurse slept soundly in her chair, i alone remained watching--i felt neither fatigue nor languor--my strength seemed preserved as by a miracle, so omnipotent is the operation of moral causes! silence reigned throughout the house; i hung over the object of my tender cares--his features were serene--but his cheeks and lips were pale and bloodless. from time to time i took his lifeless hand--a low, fluttering, pulse, sometimes seeming to stop, and then to vibrate with a tremulous motion, but too plainly justified my fears--his breath, though less laborious, was quick and short--a cold dew hung upon his temples--i gently wiped them with my handkerchief, and pressed my lips to his forehead. yet, at that moment, that solemn moment--while i beheld the object of my virgin affections--whom i had loved with a tenderness, 'passing the love of woman'--expiring before my eyes--i forgot not that i was a wife and a mother.--the purity of my feelings sanctified their enthusiasm! the day had far advanced, though the house still remained quiet, when augustus, after a deep drawn sigh, opened his eyes. the loss of blood had calmed the delirium, and though he regarded me attentively, and with evident surprize, the wildness of his eyes and countenance had given place to their accustomed steady expression. he spoke in a faint voice. 'where am i, how came i here?' i drew nearer to him--'an unfortunate accident has thrown you into the care of kind friends--you have been very ill--it is not proper that you should exert yourself--rely on those to whom your safety is precious.' he looked at me as i spoke--his eyes glistened--he breathed a half smothered sigh, but attempted not to reply. he continued to doze at intervals throughout the day, but evidently grew weaker every hour--i quitted him not for a moment, even my nursery was forgotten. i sat, or knelt, at the bed's head, and, between his short and broken slumbers, administered cordial medicines. he seemed to take them with pleasure from my hand, and a mournful tenderness at times beamed in his eyes. i neither spake nor wept--my strength appeared equal to every trial. in the evening, starting from a troubled sleep, he fell into convulsions--i kept my station--our efforts were successful--he again revived. i supported the pillows on which his head reclined, sprinkled the bed cloaths, and bathed his temples, with hungary water, while i wiped from them the damps of death. a few tears at length forced their way, they fell upon his hand, which rested on the pillow--he kissed them off, and raised to mine his languid eyes, in which death was already painted. the blood forsaking the extremities, rushed wildly to my heart, a strong palpitation seized it, my fortitude had well nigh forsaken me. but i had been habituated to subdue my feelings, and should i suffer them to disturb the last moments of him, _who had taught me this painful lesson_? he made a sign for a cordial, an attendant offering one--he waved his hand and turned from her his face--i took it--held it to his lips, and he instantly drank it. another strong emotion shook my nerves--once more i struggled and gained the victory. he spoke in feeble and interrupted periods--kneeling down, scarce daring to breathe, i listened. 'i have a son,' said he,--'i am dying--he will have no longer a parent--transfer to him a portion of--' 'i comprehend you--say no more--_he is mine_--i adopt him--where shall i find--?' he pointed to his cloaths;--'a pocket book'--said he, in accents still fainter. 'enough!--i swear, in this awful moment, never to forsake him.' he raised my hand to his lips--a tender smile illumined his countenance --'surely,' said he, 'i have sufficiently fulfilled the dictates of a rigid honour!--in these last moments--when every earthly tie is dissolving--when human institutions fade before my sight--i may, without a crime, tell you--_that i have loved you_.--your tenderness early penetrated my heart--aware of its weakness--i sought to shun you--i imposed on myself those severe laws of which you causelessly complained.--had my conduct been less rigid, i had been lost--i had been unjust to the bonds which i had voluntarily contracted; and which, therefore, had on me indispensible claims. i acted from good motives, but no doubt, was guilty of some errors--yet, my conflicts were, even, more cruel than yours--i had not only to contend against my own sensibility, but against yours also.--the fire which is pent up burns the fiercest!'-he ceased to speak--a transient glow, which had lighted up his countenance, faded--exhausted, by the strong effort he had made, he sunk back--his eyes grew dim--they closed--_their last light beamed on me_!--i caught him in my arms--and--_he awoke no more_. the spirits, that had hitherto supported me, suddenly subsided. i uttered a piercing shriek, and sunk upon the body. chapter xxii many weeks passed of which i have no remembrance, they were a blank in my life--a long life of sorrow! when restored to recollection, i found myself in my own chamber, my husband attending me. it was a long time before i could clearly retrace the images of the past. i learned-'that i had been seized with a nervous fever, in consequence of having exerted myself beyond my strength; that my head had been disordered; that mr montague on his return, finding me in this situation, of which mr lucas had explained the causes, had been absorbed in deep affliction; that, inattentive to every other concern, he had scarcely quitted my apartment; that my child had been sent out to nurse; and that my recovery had been despaired of.' my constitution was impaired by these repeated shocks. i continued several months in a low and debilitated state.--with returning reason, i recalled to my remembrance the charge which augustus had consigned to me in his last moments. i enquired earnestly for the pocket-book he had mentioned, and was informed, that, after his decease, it had been found, and its contents examined, which were a bank note of fifty pounds, some letters, and memorandums. among the letters was one from his brother, by which means they had learned his address, and had been enabled to transmit to him an account of the melancholy catastrophe, and to request his orders respecting the disposal of the body. on the receipt of this intelligence, the younger mr harley had come immediately into ----shire, had received his brother's effects, and had his remains decently and respectfully interred in the town where the fatal accident had taken place, through which he was passing in his way to visit a friend. as soon as i had strength to hold a pen, i wrote to this gentleman, mentioning the tender office which had been consigned to me; and requesting that the child, or children, of mr augustus harley, might be consigned to my care. to this letter i received an answer, in a few days, hinting-'that the marriage of my deceased friend had not been more imprudent than unfortunate; that he had struggled with great difficulties and many sorrows; that his wife had been dead near a twelve-month; that he had lost two of his children, about the same period, with the small-pox, one only surviving, the younger, a son, a year and a half old; that it was, at present, at nurse, under his (his brother's) protection; that his respect for me, and knowledge of my friendship for their family, added to his wish of complying with every request of his deceased brother, prevented him from hesitating a moment respecting the propriety of yielding the child to my care; that it should be delivered to any person whom i should commission for the purpose; and that i might draw upon him for the necessary charges towards the support and education of his nephew.' i mentioned to mr montague these particulars, with a desire of availing myself of his counsel and assistance on the occasion. 'you are free, madam,' he replied, with a cold and distant air, 'to act as you shall think proper; but you must excuse me from making myself responsible in this affair.' i sighed deeply. i perceived, but too plainly, that _a mortal blow was given to my tranquillity_; but i determined to persevere in what i considered to be my duty. on the retrospect of my conduct, my heart acquitted me; and i endeavoured to submit, without repining, to my fate. i was, at this period, informed by a faithful servant, who attended me during my illness, of what i had before but too truly conjectured--that in my delirium i had incessantly called upon the name of augustus harley, and repeated, at intervals, in broken language, the circumstances of our last tender and fatal interview: this, with some particulars related by mr lucas to mr montague on his return, had, it seems, at the time, inflamed the irascible passions of my husband, almost to madness. his transports had subsided, by degrees, into gloomy reserve: he had watched me, till my recovery, with unremitting attention; since which his confidence and affection became, every day, more visibly alienated. self-respect suppressed my complaints--conscious of deserving, even more than ever, his esteem, i bore his caprice with patience, trusting that time, and my conduct, would restore him to reason, and awaken in his heart a sense of justice. i sent for my babe from the house of the nurse, to whose care it had been confided during my illness, and placed the little augustus in its stead. 'it is unnecessary, my friend, to say, that you were that lovely and interesting child.--oh! with what emotion did i receive, and press, you to my care-worn bosom; retracing in your smiling countenance the features of your unfortunate father! adopting you for my own, i divided my affection between you and my emma. scarce a day passed that i did not visit the cottage of your nurse. i taught you to call me by the endearing name of _mother_! i delighted to see you caress my infant with fraternal tenderness--i endeavoured to cherish this growing affection, and found a sweet relief from my sorrows in these tender, maternal, cares.' chapter xxiii my health being considerably injured, i had taken a young woman into my house, to assist me in the nursery, and in other domestic offices. she was in her eighteenth year--simple, modest, and innocent. this girl had resided with me for some months. i had been kind to her, and she seemed attached to me. one morning, going suddenly into mr montague's dressing-room, i surprised rachel sitting on a sopha with her master:--he held her hand in his, while his arm was thrown round her waist; and they appeared to be engaged in earnest conversation. they both started, on my entrance:--unwilling to encrease their confusion, i quitted the room. montague, on our meeting at dinner, affected an air of unconcern; but there was an apparent constraint in his behaviour. i preserved towards him my accustomed manner, till the servants had withdrawn. i then mildly expostulated with him on the impropriety of his behaviour. his replies were not more unkind than ungenerous--they pierced my heart. 'it is well, sir, i am inured to suffering; but it is not of _myself_ that i would speak. i have not deserved to lose your confidence--this is my consolation;--yet, i submit to it:--but i cannot see you act in a manner, that will probably involve you in vexation, and intail upon you remorse, without warning you of your danger. should you corrupt the innocence of this girl, she is emphatically _ruined_. it is the strong mind only, that, firmly resting on its own powers, can sustain and recover itself amidst the world's scorn and injustice. the morality of an uncultivated understanding, is that of _custom_, not of reason: break down the feeble barrier, and there is nothing to supply its place--you open the flood-gates of infamy and wretchedness. who can say where the evil may stop?' 'you are at liberty to discharge your servant, when you please, madam.' 'i think it my duty to do so, mr montague--not on my own, but on _her_, account. if i have no claim upon your affection and principles, i would disdain to watch your conduct. but i feel myself attached to this young woman, and would wish to preserve her from destruction!' 'you are very generous, but as you thought fit to bestow on me your _hand_, when your _heart_ was devoted to another--' 'it is enough, sir!--to your justice, only, in your cooler moments, would i appeal!' i procured for rachel a reputable place, in a distant part of the county.--before she quitted me, i seriously, and affectionately, remonstrated with her on the consequences of her behaviour. she answered me only with tears and blushes. in vain i tried to rectify the principles, and subdue the cruel prejudices, of my husband. i endeavoured to shew him every mark of affection and confidence. i frequently expostulated with him, upon his conduct, with tears--urged him to respect himself and me--strove to convince him of the false principles upon which he acted--of the senseless and barbarous manner in which he was sacrificing my peace, and his own, to a romantic chimera. sometimes he would appear, for a moment, melted with my tender and fervent entreaties. 'would to god!' he would say, with emotion, 'the last six months of my life could be obliterated for ever from my remembrance!' he was no longer active, and chearful: he would sit, for hours, involved in deep and gloomy silence. when i brought the little emma, to soften, by her engaging caresses, the anxieties by which his spirits appeared to be overwhelmed, he would gaze wildly upon her--snatch her to his breast--and then, suddenly throwing her from him, rush out of the house; and, inattentive to the duties of his profession, absent himself for days and nights together:--his temper grew, every hour, more furious and unequal. he by accident, one evening, met the little augustus, as his nurse was carrying him from my apartment; and, breaking rudely into the room, overwhelmed me with a torrent of abuse and reproaches. i submitted to his injustice with silent grief--my spirits were utterly broken. at times, he would seem to be sensible of the impropriety of his conduct--would execrate himself and entreat my forgiveness;--but quickly relapsed into his accustomed paroxysms, which, from having been indulged, were now become habitual, and uncontroulable. these agitations seemed daily to encrease--all my efforts to regain his confidence--my patient, unremitted, attentions--were fruitless. he shunned me--he appeared, even, to regard me with horror. i wept in silence. the hours which i passed with my children afforded me my only consolation--they became painfully dear to me. attending to their little sports, and innocent gambols, i forgot, for a moment, my griefs. chapter xxiv some months thus passed away, with little variation in my situation. returning home one morning, early, from the nurse's, where i had left my emma with augustus (whom i never, now, permitted to be brought to my own house) as i entered, mr montague shot suddenly by me, and rushed up stairs towards his apartment. i saw him but transiently, as he passed; but his haggard countenance, and furious gestures, filled me with dismay. he had been from home the preceding night; but to these absences i had lately been too much accustomed to regard them as any thing extraordinary. i hesitated a few moments, whether i should follow him. i feared, lest i might exasperate him by so doing; yet, the unusual disorder of his appearance gave me a thousand terrible and nameless apprehensions. i crept toward the door of his apartment--listened attentively, and heard him walking up and down the room, with hasty steps--sometimes he appeared to stop, and groaned heavily:--once i heard him throw up the sash, and shut it again with violence. i attempted to open the door, but, finding it locked, my terror increased.--i knocked gently, but could not attract his attention. at length i recollected another door, that led to this apartment, through my own chamber, which was fastened on the outside, and seldom opened. with trembling steps i hurried round, and, on entering the room, beheld him sitting at a table, a pen in his hand, and paper before him. on the table lay his pistols--his hair was dishevelled--his dress disordered--his features distorted with emotion--while in his countenance was painted the extreme of horror and despair. i uttered a faint shriek, and sunk into a chair. he started from his seat, and, advancing towards me with hurried and tremulous steps, sternly demanded, why i intruded on his retirement? i threw myself at his feet,--i folded my arms round him--i wept--i deprecated his anger--i entreated to be heard--i said all that humanity, all that the most tender and lively sympathy could suggest, to inspire him with confidence--to induce him to relieve, by communication, the burthen which oppressed his heart.--he struggled to free himself from me--my apprehensions gave me strength--i held him with a strenuous grasp--he raved--he stamped--he tore his hair--his passion became frenzy! at length, forcibly bursting from him, i fell on the floor, and the blood gushed from my nose and lips. he shuddered convulsively--stood a few moments, as if irresolute--and, then, throwing himself beside me, raised me from the ground; and, clasping me to his heart, which throbbed tumultuously, burst into a flood of tears. 'i will not be thy _murderer_, emma!' said he, in a voice of agony, interrupted by heart-rending sobs--'i have had enough of blood!' i tried to sooth him--i assured him i was not hurt--i besought him to confide his sorrows to the faithful bosom of his wife! he appeared softened--his tears flowed without controul. 'unhappy woman!--you know not what you ask! to be ingenuous, belongs to purity like yours!--guilt, black as hell!--conscious, aggravated, damnable, guilt!--_your fatal attachment_--my accursed jealousy!--ah! emma! i have injured you--but you are, indeed, revenged!' every feature seemed to work--seemed pregnant with dreadful meaning--he was relapsing into frenzy. 'be calm, my friend--be not unjust to yourself--you can have committed no injury that i shall not willingly forgive--you are incapable of persisting in guilt. the ingenuous mind, that avows, has already made half the reparation. suffer me to learn the source of your inquietude! i may find much to extenuate--i may be able to convince you, that you are too severe to yourself.' 'never, never, never!--nothing can extenuate--_the expiation must be made_!--excellent, admirable, woman!--remember, without hating, the wretch who has been unworthy of you--who could not conceive, who knew not how to estimate, your virtues!--oh!--do not--do not'--straining me to his bosom--'curse my memory!' he started from the ground, and, in a moment, was out of sight. i raised myself with difficulty--faint, tottering, gasping for breath, i attempted to descend the stairs. i had scarcely reached the landing-place, when a violent knocking at the door shook my whole frame. i stood still, clinging to the balustrade, unable to proceed. i heard a chaise draw up--a servant opening the door--a plain-looking countryman alighted, and desired instantly to speak to the lady of the house--his business was, he said, of life and death! i advanced towards him, pale and trembling! 'what is the matter, my friend--whence came you?' 'i cannot stop, lady, to explain myself--you must come with me--i will tell you more as we go along.' 'do you come,' enquired i, in a voice scarcely articulate, 'from my husband?' 'no--no--i come from a person who is dying, who has somewhat of consequence to impart to you--hasten, lady--there is no time to lose!' 'lead, then, i follow you.' he helped me into the chaise, and we drove off with the rapidity of lightning. chapter xxv i asked no more questions on the road, but attempted to fortify my mind for the scenes which, i foreboded, were approaching. after about an hour's ride, we stopped at a small, neat, cottage, embosomed in trees, standing alone, at a considerable distance from the high-road. a decent-looking, elderly, woman, came to the door, at the sound of the carriage, and assisted me to alight. in her countenance were evident marks of perturbation and horror. i asked for a glass of water; and, having drank it, followed the woman, at her request, up stairs. she seemed inclined to talk, but i gave her no encouragement--i knew not what awaited me, nor what exertions might be requisite--i determined not to exhaust my spirits unnecessarily. on entering a small chamber, i observed a bed, with the curtains closely drawn. i advanced towards it, and, unfolding them, beheld the unhappy rachel lying in a state of apparent insensibility. 'she is dying,' whispered the woman, 'she has been in strong convulsions; but she could not die in peace without seeing madam montague, and obtaining her forgiveness.' i approached the unfortunate girl, and took her lifeless hand.--a feeble pulse still trembled--i gazed upon her, for some moments, in silence.--she heaved a deep sigh--her lips moved, inarticulately. she, at length, opened her eyes, and, fixing them upon me, the blood seemed to rush through her languid frame--reanimating it. she sprung up in the bed, and, clasping her hands together, uttered a few incoherent words. 'be pacified, my dear--i am not angry with you--i feel only pity.' she looked wildly. 'ah! my dear lady, i am a wicked girl--but not--oh, no!--_not a murderer!_ i did not--indeed, i did not--murder my child!' a cold tremor seized me--i turned heart-sick--a sensation of horror thrilled through my veins! 'my dear, my kind mistress,' resumed the wretched girl, 'can you forgive me?--oh! that cruel, barbarous, man!--it was _he_ who did it--indeed, it was _he_ who did it!' distraction glared in her eyes. 'i do forgive you,' said i, in broken accents. 'i will take care of you--but you must be calm.' 'i will--i will'--replied she, in a rapid tone of voice--'but do not send me to prison--_i did not murder it!_--oh! my child, my child!' continued she, in a screaming tone of frantic violence, and was again seized with strong convulsions. we administered all the assistance in our power. i endeavoured, with success, to stifle my emotions in the active duties of humanity. rachel once more revived. after earnestly commending her to the care of the good woman of the house, and promising to send medicines and nourishment proper for her situation, and to reward their attentions--desiring that she might be kept perfectly still, and not be suffered to talk on subjects that agitated her--i quitted the place, presaging but too much, and not having, at that time, the courage to make further enquiries. chapter xxvi on entering my own house my heart misgave me. i enquired, with trepidation, for my husband, and was informed--'that he had returned soon after my departure, and had shut himself in his apartment; that, on being followed by mr lucas, he had turned fiercely upon him, commanding him, in an imperious tone, instantly to leave him; adding, he had affairs of importance to transact; and should any one dare to intrude on him, it would be at the peril of their lives.' all the family appeared in consternation, but no one had presumed to disobey the orders of their master.--they expressed their satisfaction at my return--alas! i was impotent to relieve the apprehensions which, i too plainly perceived, had taken possession of their minds. i retired to my chamber, and, with a trembling hand, traced, and addressed to my husband, a few incoherent lines--briefly hinting my suspicions respecting the late transactions--exhorting him to provide for his safety, and offering to be the companion of his flight. i added--'let us reap wisdom from these tragical consequences of _indulged passion_! it is not to atone for the past error, by cutting off the prospect of future usefulness--repentance for what can never be recalled, is absurd and vain, but as it affords a lesson for the time to come--do not let us wilfully forfeit the fruits of our dear-bought experience! i will never reproach you! virtuous resolution, and time, may yet heal these aggravated wounds. dear montague, be no longer the slave of error; inflict not on my tortured mind new, and more insupportable, terrors! i await your directions--let us fly--let us summon our fortitude--let us, at length, bravely stem the tide of passion--let us beware of the criminal pusillanimity of despair!' with faultering steps, i sought the apartment of my husband. i listened a moment at the door--and hearing him in motion, while profound sighs burst every instant from his bosom, i slid my paper under the door, unfolded, that it might be the more likely to attract his attention. presently, i had the satisfaction of hearing him take it up. after some minutes, a slip of paper was returned, by the same method which i had adopted, in which was written, in characters blotted, and scarcely legible, the following words-'leave me, one half hour, to my reflections: at the end of that period, be assured, i will see, or write, to you.' i knew him to be incapable of falsehood--my heart palpitated with hope. i went to my chamber, and passed the interval in a thousand cruel reflections, and vague plans for our sudden departure. near an hour had elapsed, when the bell rang. i started, breathless, from my seat. a servant passed my door, to take his master's orders. he returned instantly, and, meeting me in the passage, delivered to me a letter. i heard montague again lock the door.--disappointed, i re-entered my chamber. in my haste to get at the contents of the paper, i almost tore it in pieces--the words swam before my sight. i held it for some moments in my hand, incapable of decyphering the fatal characters. i breathed with difficulty--all the powers of life seemed suspended--when the report of a pistol roused me to a sense of confused horror.--rushing forward, i burst, with preternatural strength, into the apartment of my husband--what a spectacle!--assistance was vain!--montague--the impetuous, ill-fated, montague--_was no more--was a mangled corpse_!--rash, unfortunate, young, man! but, why should i harrow up your susceptible mind, by dwelling on these cruel scenes? _ah! suffer me to spread a veil over this fearful catastrophe!_ some time elapsed ere i had fortitude to examine the paper addressed to me by my unfortunate husband. its contents, which were as follows, affected me with deep and mingled emotions. to mrs montague. 'amidst the reflections which press, by turns, upon my burning brain, an obscure consciousness of the prejudices upon which my character has been formed, is not the least torturing--because i feel the _inveterate force of habit_--i feel, that my convictions come too late! 'i have destroyed myself, and you, dearest, most generous, and most unfortunate, of women! i am a monster!--i have seduced innocence, and embrued my hands in blood!--oh, god!--oh, god!--_'tis there distraction lies!_--i would, circumstantially, retrace my errors; but my disordered mind, and quivering hand, refuse the cruel task--yet, it is necessary that i should attempt a brief sketch. 'after the cruel accident, which destroyed our tranquillity, i nourished my senseless jealousies (the sources of which i need not, now, recapitulate), till i persuaded myself--injurious wretch that i was!--that i had been perfidiously and ungenerously treated. stung by false pride, i tried to harden my heart, and foolishly thirsted for revenge. your meekness, and magnanimity, disappointed me.--i would willingly have seen you, not only suffer the pangs, but express the _rage_, of a slighted wife. the simple victim of my baseness, by the artless affection she expressed for me, gained an ascendency over my mind; and, when you removed her from your house, we still contrived, at times, to meet. the consequences of our intercourse could not long be concealed. it was, then, that i first began to open my eyes on my conduct, and to be seized with remorse!--rachel, now, wept incessantly. her father, she told me, was a stern and severe man; and should he hear of her misconduct, would, she was certain, be her destruction. i procured for her an obscure retreat, to which i removed the unhappy girl [oh, how degrading is vice!], under false pretences. i exhorted her to conceal her situation--to pretend, that her health was in a declining state--and i visited her, from time to time, as in my profession. 'this poor young creature continued to bewail the disgrace she anticipated--her lamentations pierced my soul! i recalled to my remembrance your emphatic caution. i foresaw that, with the loss of her character, this simple girl's misfortune and degradation would be irretrievable; and i could, now, plainly distinguish the morality of _rule_ from that of _principle_. pursuing this train of reasoning, i entangled myself, for my views were not yet sufficiently clear and comprehensible! bewildered, amidst contending principles--distracted by a variety of emotions--in seeking a remedy for one vice, i plunged (as is but too common), into others of a more scarlet dye. with shame and horror, i confess, i repeatedly tried, by medical drugs, to procure an abortive birth: the strength and vigour of rachel's constitution defeated this diabolical purpose. foiled in these attempts, i became hardened, desperate, and barbarous! 'six weeks before the allotted period, the infant saw the light--for a moment--to close its eyes on it for ever! i, only, was with the unhappy mother. i had formed no deliberate purpose--i had not yet arrived at the acme of guilt--but, perceiving, from the babe's premature birth, and the consequences of the pernicious potions which had been administered to the mother, that the vital flame played but feebly--that life was but as a quivering, uncertain, spark--a sudden and terrible thought darted through my mind. i know not whether my emotion betrayed me to the ear of rachel--but, suddenly throwing back the curtain of the bed, she beheld me grasp--with savage ferocity--_with murderous hands_!--springing from the bed, and throwing herself upon me--her piercing shrieks- '_i can no more_--of the rest you seem, from whatever means, but too well informed! i need not say--protect, if she survive, the miserable mother!--to you, whose heavenly goodness i have so ill requited, it would be injurious as unnecessary! i read, too late, the heart i have insulted! 'i have settled the disposal of my effects--i have commanded my feelings to give you this last, sad, proof of my confidence.--_kneeling_, i entreat your forgiveness for the sufferings i have caused you! i found your heart wounded--and into those festering wounds i infused a deadly venom--curse not my memory--_we meet no more_. 'farewel! first, and last, and only, beloved of women!--a long--a long farewel! 'montague.' these are the consequences of confused systems of morals--and thus it is, that minds of the highest hope, and fairest prospect, are blasted! chapter xxvii the unhappy rachel recovered her health by slow degrees. i had determined, when my affairs were settled, to leave a spot, that had been the scene of so many tragical events. i proposed to the poor girl to take her again into my family, to which she acceded with rapture. she has never since quitted me, and her faithful services, and humble, grateful attachment, have repaid my protection an hundred fold. mr montague left ten thousand pounds, the half of which was settled on his daughter, the remainder left to my disposal. this determined me to adopt you wholly for my son. i wrote to your uncle to that purport, taking upon myself the entire charge of your education, and entreating, that you might never know, unless informed by myself, to whom you owed your birth. that you should continue to think me _your mother_, flattered my tenderness, nor was my emma, herself, more dear to me. i retired in a few months to my present residence, sharing my heart and my attentions between my children, who grew up under my fostering care, lovely and beloved. 'while every day, soft as it roll'd along, shew'd some new charm.' i observed your affection for each other with a flattering presage. with the features of your father, you inherited his intrepidity, and manly virtues--even, at times, i thought i perceived the seeds of his inflexible spirit; but the caresses of my emma, more fortunate than her mother--yet, with all her mother's sensibility--could, in an instant, soften you to tenderness, and melt you into infantine sweetness. i endeavoured to form your young minds to every active virtue, to every generous sentiment.--you received, from the same masters, the same lessons, till you attained your twelfth year; and my emma emulated, and sometimes outstripped your progress. i observed, with a mixture of hope and solicitude, her lively capacity--her enthusiastic affections; while i laboured to moderate and regulate them. it now became necessary that your educations should take a somewhat different direction; i wished to fit you for a commercial line of life; but the ardor you discovered for science and literature occasioned me some perplexity, as i feared it might unfit you for application to trade, in the pursuit of which so many talents are swallowed up, and powers wasted. yet, as to the professions my objections were still more serious.--the study of law, is the study of chicanery.--the church, the school of hypocrisy and usurpation! you could only enter the universities by a moral degradation, that must check the freedom, and contaminate the purity, of the mind, and, entangling it in an inexplicable maze of error and contradiction, _poison virtue at its source_, and lay the foundation for a duplicity of character and a perversion of reason, destructive of every manly principle of integrity. for the science of physic you expressed a disinclination. a neighbouring gentleman, a surveyor, a man high in his profession, and of liberal manners, to whose friendship i was indebted, offered to take you. you were delighted with this proposal, (to which i had no particular objection) as you had a taste for drawing and architecture. our separation, though you were to reside in the same town, cost us many tears--i loved you with more than a mother's fondness--and my emma clung round the neck of her beloved brother, her augustus, her playfellow, and sobbed on his bosom. it was with difficulty that you could disentangle yourself from our embraces. every moment of leisure you flew to us--my emma learned from you to draw plans, and to study the laws of proportion. every little exuberance in your disposition, which, generated by a noble pride, sometimes wore the features of asperity, was soothed into peace by her gentleness and affection: while she delighted to emulate your fortitude, and to rise superior to the feebleness fostered in her sex, under the specious name of delicacy. your mutual attachment encreased with your years, i renewed my existence in my children, and anticipated their more perfect union. ah! my son, need i proceed? must i continually blot the page with the tale of sorrow? can i tear open again, can i cause to bleed afresh, in your heart and my own, wounds scarcely closed? in her fourteenth year, in the spring of life, your emma and mine, lovely and fragile blossom, was blighted by a killing frost--after a few days illness, she drooped, faded, languished, and died! it was now that i felt--'that no agonies were like the agonies of a mother.' my broken spirits, from these repeated sorrows, sunk into habitual, hopeless, dejection. prospects, that i had meditated with ineffable delight, were for ever veiled in darkness. every earthly tie was broken, except that which bound you to my desolated heart with a still stronger cord of affection. you wept, in my arms, the loss of her whom you, yet, fondly believed your sister.--i cherished the illusion lest, by dissolving it, i should weaken your confidence in my maternal love, weaken that tenderness which was now my only consolation. to augustus harley. my augustus, _my more than son_, around whom my spirit, longing for dissolution, still continues to flutter! i have unfolded the errors of my past life--i have traced them to their source--i have laid bare my mind before you, that the experiments which have been made upon it may be beneficial to yours! it has been a painful, and a humiliating recital--the retrospection has been marked with anguish. as the enthusiasm--as the passions of my youth--have passed in review before me, long forgotten emotions have been revived in my lacerated heart--it has been again torn with _the pangs of contemned love_--the disappointment of rational plans of usefulness--the dissolution of the darling hopes of maternal pride and fondness. the frost of a premature age sheds its snows upon my temples, the ravages of a sickly mind shake my tottering frame. the morning dawns, the evening closes upon me, the seasons revolve, without hope; the sun shines, the spring returns, but, to me, it is mockery. and is this all of human life--this, that passes like a tale that is told? alas! it is a tragical tale! friendship was the star, whose cheering influence i courted to beam upon my benighted course. the social affections were necessary to my existence, but they have been only inlets to sorrow--_yet, still, i bind them to my heart_! hitherto there seems to have been something strangely wrong in the constitutions of society--a lurking poison that spreads its contagion far and wide--a canker at the root of private virtue and private happiness--a principle of deception, that sanctifies error--a circean cup that lulls into a fatal intoxication. but men begin to think and reason; reformation dawns, though the advance is tardy. moral martyrdom may possibly be the fate of those who press forward, yet, their generous efforts will not be lost.--posterity will plant the olive and the laurel, and consecrate their mingled branches to the memory of such, who, daring to trace, to their springs, errors the most hoary, and prejudices the most venerated, emancipate the human mind from the trammels of superstition, and teach it, _that its true dignity and virtue, consist in being free_. ere i sink into the grave, let me behold the _son of my affections_, the living image of him, whose destiny involved mine, who gave an early, but a mortal blow, to all my worldly expectations--let me behold my augustus, escaped from the tyranny of the passions, restored to reason, to the vigor of his mind, to self controul, to the dignity of active, intrepid virtue! the dawn of my life glowed with the promise of a fair and bright day; before its noon, thick clouds gathered; its mid-day was gloomy and tempestuous.--it remains with thee, my friend, to gild with a mild radiance the closing evening; before the scene shuts, and veils the prospect in impenetrable darkness. transcriber's note punctuation, hyphenation and period spellings have been retained even where not consistent. the latter includes the name anne, which also occurs without the final e. the changes listed below have been made to the text (corrected version follows original): but in this investigatation we must be patient but in this investigation we must be patient arisides the just, aristides the just knowledge and learning, are unsufferably masculine in a women knowledge and learning, are unsufferably masculine in a woman why do we suffer ourselve to be confined why do we suffer ourselves to be confined gratified by his covnersation gratified by his conversation at his repeated requst at his repeated request the degrading and melancholy intelligence, with fills my soul the degrading and melancholy intelligence, which fills my soul the acitivity of a curious and vigorous mind the activity of a curious and vigorous mind a temporary reflief a temporary relief would she, inded, accept of my society, would she, indeed, accept of my society, qutting it early in the morning quitting it early in the morning any suddent agitation of spirits any sudden agitation of spirits the distinction yo have shewn me the distinction you have shewn me so sincere, so artless, as mind so sincere, so artless, as mine such an attempt would be impertiment; such an attempt would be impertinent; their heads were never led astray by thir hearts. their heads were never led astray by their hearts. though peace and enjoymment should be for ever fled though peace and enjoyment should be for ever fled attended wtih advantages attended with advantages persevervance, with little ability, has effected wonders; perseverance, with little ability, has effected wonders; wtih the various branches of science with the various branches of science you have been very will you have been very ill the fruits of our dear-bought exerience the fruits of our dear-bought experience i would willing have seen you i would willingly have seen you version by al haines. a daughter of the land by gene stratton-porter contents chapter i. the wings of morning ii. an embryo mind reader iii. peregrinations iv. a question of contracts v. the prodigal daughter vi. kate's private pupil vii. helping nancy ellen and robert to establish a home viii. the history of a leghorn hat ix. a sunbonnet girl x. john jardine's courtship xi. a business proposition xii. two letters xiii. the bride xiv. starting married life xv. a new idea xvi. the work of the sun xvii. the banner hand xviii. kate takes the bit in her teeth xix. "as a man soweth" xx. "for a good girl" xxi. life's boomerang xxii. somewhat of polly xxiii. kate's heavenly time xxiv. polly tries her wings xxv. one more for kate xxvi. the winged victory xxvii. blue ribbon corn xxviii. the eleventh hour to gene stratton ii a daughter of the land chapter i the wings of morning "take the wings of morning." kate bates followed the narrow footpath rounding the corner of the small country church, as the old minister raised his voice slowly and impressively to repeat the command he had selected for his text. fearing that her head would be level with the windows, she bent and walked swiftly past the church; but the words went with her, iterating and reiterating themselves in her brain. once she paused to glance back toward the church, wondering what the minister would say in expounding that text. she had a fleeting thought of slipping in, taking the back seat and listening to the sermon. the remembrance that she had not dressed for church deterred her; then her face twisted grimly as she again turned to the path, for it occurred to her that she had nothing else to wear if she had started to attend church instead of going to see her brother. as usual, she had left her bed at four o'clock; for seven hours she had cooked, washed dishes, made beds, swept, dusted, milked, churned, following the usual routine of a big family in the country. then she had gone upstairs, dressed in clean gingham and confronted her mother. "i think i have done my share for to-day," she said. "suppose you call on our lady school-mistress for help with dinner. i'm going to adam's." mrs. bates lifted her gaunt form to very close six feet of height, looking narrowly at her daughter. "well, what the nation are you going to adam's at this time a-sunday for?" she demanded. "oh, i have a curiosity to learn if there is one of the eighteen members of this family who gives a cent what becomes of me!" answered kate, her eyes meeting and looking clearly into her mother's. "you are not letting yourself think he would 'give a cent' to send you to that fool normal-thing, are you?" "i am not! but it wasn't a 'fool thing' when mary and nancy ellen, and the older girls wanted to go. you even let mary go to college two years." "mary had exceptional ability," said mrs. bates. "i wonder how she convinced you of it. none of the rest of us can discover it," said kate. "what you need is a good strapping, miss." "i know it; but considering the facts that i am larger than you, and was eighteen in september, i shouldn't advise you to attempt it. what is the difference whether i was born in '62 or '42? give me the chance you gave mary, and i'll prove to you that i can do anything she has done, without having 'exceptional ability!'" "the difference is that i am past sixty now. i was stout as an ox when mary wanted to go to school. it is your duty and your job to stay here and do this work." "to pay for having been born last? not a bit more than if i had been born first. any girl in the family owes you as much for life as i do; it is up to the others to pay back in service, after they are of age, if it is to me. i have done my share. if father were not the richest farmer in the county, and one of the richest men, it would be different. he can afford to hire help for you, quite as well as he can for himself." "hire help! who would i get to do the work here?" "you'd have to double your assistants. you could not hire two women who would come here and do so much work as i do in a day. that is why i decline to give up teaching, and stay here to slave at your option, for gingham dresses and cowhide shoes, of your selection. if i were a boy, i'd work three years more and then i would be given two hundred acres of land, have a house and barn built for me, and a start of stock given me, as every boy in this family has had at twenty-one." "a man is a man! he founds a family, he runs the government! it is a different matter," said mrs. bates. "it surely is; in this family. but i think, even with us, a man would have rather a difficult proposition on his hands to found a family without a woman; or to run the government either." "all right! go on to adam and see what you get." "i'll have the satisfaction of knowing that nancy ellen gets dinner, anyway," said kate as she passed through the door and followed the long path to the gate, from there walking beside the road in the direction of her brother's home. there were many horses in the pasture and single and double buggies in the barn; but it never occurred to kate that she might ride: it was sunday and the horses were resting. so she followed the path beside the fences, rounded the corner of the church and went on her way with the text from which the pastor was preaching, hammering in her brain. she became so absorbed in thought that she scarcely saw the footpath she followed, while june flowered, and perfumed, and sang all around her. she was so intent upon the words she had heard that her feet unconsciously followed a well-defined branch from the main path leading into the woods, from the bridge, where she sat on a log, and for the unnumbered time, reviewed her problem. she had worked ever since she could remember. never in her life had she gotten to school before noon on monday, because of the large washings. after the other work was finished she had spent nights and mornings ironing, when she longed to study, seldom finishing before saturday. summer brought an endless round of harvesting, canning, drying; winter brought butchering, heaps of sewing, and postponed summer work. school began late in the fall and closed early in spring, with teachers often inefficient; yet because she was a close student and kept her books where she could take a peep and memorize and think as she washed dishes and cooked, she had thoroughly mastered all the country school near her home could teach her. with six weeks of a summer normal course she would be as well prepared to teach as any of her sisters were, with the exception of mary, who had been able to convince her parents that she possessed two college years' worth of "ability." kate laid no claim to "ability," herself; but she knew she was as strong as most men, had an ordinary brain that could be trained, and while she was far from beautiful she was equally as far from being ugly, for her skin was smooth and pink, her eyes large and blue-gray, her teeth even and white. she missed beauty because her cheekbones were high, her mouth large, her nose barely escaping a pug; but she had a real "crown of glory" in her hair, which was silken fine, long and heavy, of sunshine-gold in colour, curling naturally around her face and neck. given pure blood to paint such a skin with varying emotions, enough wind to ravel out a few locks of such hair, the proportions of a venus and perfect health, any girl could rest very well assured of being looked at twice, if not oftener. kate sat on a log, a most unusual occurrence for her, for she was familiar only with bare, hot houses, furnished with meagre necessities; reeking stables, barnyards and vegetable gardens. she knew less of the woods than the average city girl; but there was a soothing wind, a sweet perfume, a calming silence that quieted her tense mood and enabled her to think clearly; so the review went on over years of work and petty economies, amounting to one grand aggregate that gave to each of seven sons house, stock, and land at twenty-one; and to each of nine daughters a bolt of muslin and a fairly decent dress when she married, as the seven older ones did speedily, for they were fine, large, upstanding girls, some having real beauty, all exceptionally well-trained economists and workers. because her mother had the younger daughters to help in the absence of the elder, each girl had been allowed the time and money to prepare herself to teach a country school; all of them had taught until they married. nancy ellen, the beauty of the family, the girl next older than kate, had taken the home school for the second winter. going to school to nancy ellen had been the greatest trial of kate's life, until the possibility of not going to normal had confronted her. nancy ellen was almost as large as kate, quite as pink, her features assembled in a manner that made all the difference, her jet-black hair as curly as kate's, her eyes big and dark, her lips red. as for looking at kate twice, no one ever looked at her at all if nancy ellen happened to be walking beside her. kate bore that without protest; it would have wounded her pride to rebel openly; she did nancy ellen's share of the work to allow her to study and have her normal course; she remained at home plainly clothed to loan nancy ellen her best dress when she attended normal; but when she found that she was doomed to finish her last year at school under nancy ellen, to work double so that her sister might go to school early and remain late, coming home tired and with lessons to prepare for the morrow, some of the spontaneity left kate's efforts. she had a worse grievance when nancy ellen hung several new dresses and a wrapper on her side of the closet after her first pay-day, and furnished her end of the bureau with a white hair brush and a brass box filled with pink powder, with a swan's-down puff for its application. for three months kate had waited and hoped that at least "thank you" would be vouchsafed her; when it failed for that length of time she did two things: she studied so diligently that her father called her into the barn and told her that if before the school, she asked nancy ellen another question she could not answer, he would use the buggy whip on her to within an inch of her life. the buggy whip always had been a familiar implement to kate, so she stopped asking slippery questions, worked harder than ever, and spent her spare time planning what she would hang in the closet and put on her end of the bureau when she had finished her normal course, and was teaching her first term of school. now she had learned all that nancy ellen could teach her, and much that nancy ellen never knew: it was time for kate to be starting away to school. because it was so self-evident that she should have what the others had had, she said nothing about it until the time came; then she found her father determined that she should remain at home to do the housework, for no compensation other than her board and such clothes as she always had worn, her mother wholly in accord with him, and marvel of all, nancy ellen quite enthusiastic on the subject. her father always had driven himself and his family like slaves, while her mother had ably seconded his efforts. money from the sale of chickens, turkeys, butter, eggs, and garden truck that other women of the neighbourhood used for extra clothing for themselves and their daughters and to prettify their homes, mrs. bates handed to her husband to increase the amount necessary to purchase the two hundred acres of land for each son when he came of age. the youngest son had farmed his land with comfortable profit and started a bank account, while his parents and two sisters were still saving and working to finish the last payment. kate thought with bitterness that if this final payment had been made possibly there would have been money to spare for her; but with that thought came the knowledge that her father had numerous investments on which he could have realized and made the payments had he not preferred that they should be a burden on his family. "take the wings of morning," repeated kate, with all the emphasis the old minister had used. "hummm! i wonder what kind of wings. those of a peewee would scarcely do for me; i'd need the wings of an eagle to get me anywhere, and anyway it wasn't the wings of a bird i was to take, it was the wings of morning. i wonder what the wings of morning are, and how i go about taking them. god knows where my wings come in; by the ache in my feet i seem to have walked, mostly. oh, what are the wings of morning?" kate stared straight before her, sitting absorbed and motionless. close in front of her a little white moth fluttered over the twigs and grasses. a kingbird sailed into view and perched on a brush-heap preparatory to darting after the moth. while the bird measured the distance and waited for the moth to rise above the entangling grasses, with a sweep and a snap a smaller bird, very similar in shape and colouring, flashed down, catching the moth and flying high among the branches of a big tree. "aha! you missed your opportunity!" said kate to the kingbird. she sat straighter suddenly. "opportunity," she repeated. "here is where i am threatened with missing mine. opportunity! i wonder now if that might not be another name for 'the wings of morning.' morning is winging its way past me, the question is: do i sit still and let it pass, or do i take its wings and fly away?" kate brooded on that awhile, then her thought formulated into words again. "it isn't as if mother were sick or poor, she is perfectly well and stronger than nine women out of ten of her age; father can afford to hire all the help she needs; there is nothing cruel or unkind in leaving her; and as for nancy ellen, why does the fact that i am a few years younger than she, make me her servant? why do i cook for her, and make her bed, and wash her clothes, while she earns money to spend on herself? and she is doing everything in her power to keep me at it, because she likes what she is doing and what it brings her, and she doesn't give a tinker whether i like what i am doing or not; or whether i get anything i want out of it or not; or whether i miss getting off to normal on time or not. she is blame selfish, that's what she is, so she won't like the jolt she's going to get; but it will benefit her soul, her soul that her pretty face keeps her from developing, so i shall give her a little valuable assistance. mother will be furious and father will have the buggy whip convenient; but i am going! i don't know how, or when, but i am going. "who has a thirst for knowledge, in helicon may slake it, if he has still, the roman will, to find a way, or make it." kate arose tall and straight and addressed the surrounding woods. "now you just watch me 'find a way or make it,'" she said. "i am 'taking the wings of morning,' observe my flight! see me cut curves and circles and sail and soar around all the other bates girls the lord ever made, one named nancy ellen in particular. it must be far past noon, and i've much to do to get ready. i fly!" kate walked back to the highway, but instead of going on she turned toward home. when she reached the gate she saw nancy ellen, dressed her prettiest, sitting beneath a cherry tree reading a book, in very plain view from the road. as kate came up the path: "hello!" said nancy ellen. "wasn't adam at home?" "i don't know," answered kate. "i was not there." "you weren't? why, where were you?" asked nancy ellen. "oh, i just took a walk!" answered kate. "right at dinner time on sunday? well, i'll be switched!" cried nancy ellen. "pity you weren't oftener, when you most needed it," said kate, passing up the walk and entering the door. her mother asked the same questions so kate answered them. "well, i am glad you came home," said mrs. bates. "there was no use tagging to adam with a sorry story, when your father said flatly that you couldn't go." "but i must go!" urged kate. "i have as good a right to my chance as the others. if you put your foot down and say so, mother, father will let me go. why shouldn't i have the same chance as nancy ellen? please mother, let me go!" "you stay right where you are. there is an awful summer's work before us," said mrs. bates. "there always is," answered kate. "but now is just my chance while you have nancy ellen here to help you." "she has some special studying to do, and you very well know that she has to attend the county institute, and take the summer course of training for teachers." "so do i," said kate, stubbornly. "you really will not help me, mother?" "i've said my say! your place is here! here you stay!" answered her mother. "all right," said kate, "i'll cross you off the docket of my hopes, and try father." "well, i warn you, you had better not! he has been nagged until his patience is lost," said mrs. bates. kate closed her lips and started in search of her father. she found him leaning on the pig pen watching pigs grow into money, one of his most favoured occupations. he scowled at her, drawing his huge frame to full height. "i don't want to hear a word you have to say," he said. "you are the youngest, and your place is in the kitchen helping your mother. we have got the last installment to pay on hiram's land this summer. march back to the house and busy yourself with something useful!" kate looked at him, from his big-boned, weather-beaten face, to his heavy shoes, then turned without a word and went back toward the house. she went around it to the cherry tree and with no preliminaries said to her sister: "nancy ellen, i want you to lend me enough money to fix my clothes a little and pay my way to normal this summer. i can pay it all back this winter. i'll pay every cent with interest, before i spend any on anything else." "why, you must be crazy!" said nancy ellen. "would i be any crazier than you, when you wanted to go?" asked kate. "but you were here to help mother," said nancy ellen. "and you are here to help her now," persisted kate. "but i've got to fix up my clothes for the county institute," said nancy ellen, "i'll be gone most of the summer." "i have just as much right to go as you had," said kate. "father and mother both say you shall not go," answered her sister. "i suppose there is no use to remind you that i did all in my power to help you to your chance." "you did no more than you should have done," said nancy ellen. "and this is no more than you should do for me, in the circumstances," said kate. "you very well know i can't! father and mother would turn me out of the house," said nancy ellen. "i'd be only too glad if they would turn me out," said kate. "you can let me have the money if you like. mother wouldn't do anything but talk; and father would not strike you, or make you go, he always favours you." "he does nothing of the sort! i can't, and i won't, so there!" cried nancy ellen. "'won't,' is the real answer, 'so there,'" said kate. she went into the cellar and ate some cold food from the cupboard and drank a cup of milk. then she went to her room and looked over all of her scanty stock of clothing, laying in a heap the pieces that needed mending. she took the clothes basket to the wash room, which was the front of the woodhouse, in summer; built a fire, heated water, and while making it appear that she was putting the clothes to soak, as usual, she washed everything she had that was fit to use, hanging the pieces to dry in the building. "watch me fly!" muttered kate. "i don't seem to be cutting those curves so very fast; but i'm moving. i believe now, having exhausted all home resources, that adam is my next objective. he is the only one in the family who ever paid the slightest attention to me, maybe he cares a trifle what becomes of me, but oh, how i dread agatha! however, watch me take wing! if adam fails me i have six remaining prospects among my loving brothers, and if none of them has any feeling for me or faith in me there yet remain my seven dear brothers-in-law, before i appeal to the tender mercies of the neighbours; but how i dread agatha! yet i fly!" chapter ii an embryo mind reader kate was far from physical flight as she pounded the indignation of her soul into the path with her substantial feet. baffled and angry, she kept reviewing the situation as she went swiftly on her way, regardless of dust and heat. she could see no justice in being forced into a position that promised to end in further humiliation and defeat of her hopes. if she only could find adam at the stable, as she passed, and talk with him alone! secretly, she well knew that the chief source of her dread of meeting her sister-in-law was that to her agatha was so funny that ridiculing her had been regarded as perfectly legitimate pastime. for agatha was funny; but she had no idea of it, and could no more avoid it than a bee could avoid being buzzy, so the manner in which her sisters-in-law imitated her and laughed at her, none too secretly, was far from kind. while she never guessed what was going on, she realized the antagonism in their attitude and stoutly resented it. adam was his father's favourite son, a stalwart, fine-appearing, big man, silent, honest, and forceful; the son most after the desires of the father's heart, yet adam was the one son of the seven who had ignored his father's law that all of his boys were to marry strong, healthy young women, poor women, working women. each of the others at coming of age had contracted this prescribed marriage as speedily as possible, first asking father bates, the girl afterward. if father bates disapproved, the girl was never asked at all. and the reason for this docility on the part of these big, matured men, lay wholly in the methods of father bates. he gave those two hundred acres of land to each of them on coming of age, and the same sum to each for the building of a house and barn and the purchase of stock; gave it to them in words, and with the fullest assurance that it was theirs to improve, to live on, to add to. each of them had seen and handled his deed, each had to admit he never had known his father to tell a lie or deviate the least from fairness in a deal of any kind, each had been compelled to go in the way indicated by his father for years; but not a man of them held his own deed. these precious bits of paper remained locked in the big wooden chest beside the father's bed, while the land stood on the records in his name; the taxes they paid him each year he, himself, carried to the county clerk; so that he was the largest landholder in the county and one of the very richest men. it must have been extreme unction to his soul to enter the county office and ask for the assessment on those "little parcels of land of mine." men treated him very deferentially, and so did his sons. those documents carefully locked away had the effect of obtaining ever-ready help to harvest his hay and wheat whenever he desired, to make his least wish quickly deferred to, to give him authority and the power for which he lived and worked earlier, later, and harder than any other man of his day and locality. adam was like him as possible up to the time he married, yet adam was the only one of his sons who disobeyed him; but there was a redeeming feature. adam married a slender tall slip of a woman, four years his senior, who had been teaching in the hartley schools when he began courting her. she was a prim, fussy woman, born of a prim father and a fussy mother, so what was to be expected? her face was narrow and set, her body and her movements almost rigid, her hair, always parted, lifted from each side and tied on the crown, fell in stiff little curls, the back part hanging free. her speech, as precise as her movements, was formed into set habit through long study of the dictionary. she was born antagonistic to whatever existed, no matter what it was. so surely as every other woman agreed on a dress, a recipe, a house, anything whatever, so surely agatha thought out and followed a different method, the disconcerting thing about her being that she usually finished any undertaking with less exertion, ahead of time, and having saved considerable money. she could have written a fine book of synonyms, for as certainly as any one said anything in her presence that she had occasion to repeat, she changed the wording to six-syllabled mouthfuls, delivered with ponderous circumlocution. she subscribed to papers and magazines, which she read and remembered. and she danced! when other women thought even a waltz immoral and shocking; perfectly stiff, her curls exactly in place, agatha could be seen, and frequently was seen, waltzing on the front porch in the arms of, and to a tune whistled by young adam, whose full name was adam alcibiades bates. in his younger days, when discipline had been required, kate once had heard her say to the little fellow: "adam alcibiades ascend these steps and proceed immediately to your maternal ancestor." kate thought of this with a dry smile as she plodded on toward agatha's home hoping she could see her brother at the barn, but she knew that most probably she would "ascend the steps and proceed to the maternal ancestor," of adam bates 3d. then she would be forced to explain her visit and combat both adam and his wife; for agatha was not a nonentity like her collection of healthful, hard-working sisters-in-law. agatha worked if she chose, and she did not work if she did not choose. mostly she worked and worked harder than any one ever thought. she had a habit of keeping her house always immaculate, finishing her cleaning very early and then reading in a conspicuous spot on the veranda when other women were busy with their most tiresome tasks. such was agatha, whom kate dreaded meeting, with every reason, for agatha, despite curls, bony structure, language, and dance, was the most powerful factor in the whole bates family with her father-in-law; and all because when he purchased the original two hundred acres for adam, and made the first allowance for buildings and stock, agatha slipped the money from adam's fingers in some inexplainable way, and spent it all for stock; because forsooth! agatha was an only child, and her prim father endowed her, she said so herself, with three hundred acres of land, better in location and more fertile than that given to adam, land having on it a roomy and comfortable brick house, completely furnished, a large barn and also stock; so that her place could be used to live on and farm, while adam's could be given over to grazing herds of cattle which he bought cheaply, fattened and sold at the top of the market. if each had brought such a farm into the family with her, father bates could have endured six more prim, angular, becurled daughters-in-law, very well indeed, for land was his one and only god. his respect for agatha was markedly very high, for in addition to her farm he secretly admired her independence of thought and action, and was amazed by the fact that she was about her work when several of the blooming girls he had selected for wives for his sons were confined to the sofa with a pain, while not one of them schemed, planned, connived with her husband and piled up the money as agatha did, therefore she stood at the head of the women of the bates family; while she was considered to have worked miracles in the heart of adam bates, for with his exception no man of the family ever had been seen to touch a woman, either publicly or privately, to offer the slightest form of endearment, assistance or courtesy. "women are to work and to bear children," said the elder bates. "put them at the first job when they are born, and at the second at eighteen, and keep them hard at it." at their rate of progression several of the bates sons and daughters would produce families that, with a couple of pairs of twins, would equal the sixteen of the elder bates; but not so agatha. she had one son of fifteen and one daughter of ten, and she said that was all she intended to have, certainly it was all she did have; but she further aggravated matters by announcing that she had had them because she wanted them; at such times as she intended to; and that she had the boy first and five years the older, so that he could look after his sister when they went into company. also she walked up and sat upon adam's lap whenever she chose, ruffled his hair, pulled his ears, and kissed him squarely on the mouth, with every appearance of having help, while the dance on the front porch with her son or daughter was of daily occurrence. and anything funnier than agatha, prim and angular with never a hair out of place, stiffly hopping "money musk" and "turkey in the straw," or the "blue danube" waltz, anything funnier than that, never happened. but the two adams, jr. and 3d, watched with reverent and adoring eyes, for she was mother, and no one else on earth rested so high in their respect as the inflexible woman they lived with. that she was different from all the other women of her time and location was hard on the other women. had they been exactly right, they would have been exactly like her. so kate, thinking all these things over, her own problem acutely "advanced and proceeded." she advanced past the closed barn, and stock in the pasture, past the garden flaming june, past the dooryard, up the steps, down the hall, into the screened back porch dining room and "proceeded" to take a chair, while the family finished the sunday night supper, at which they were seated. kate was not hungry and she did not wish to trouble her sister-in-law to set another place, so she took the remaining chair, against the wall, behind agatha, facing adam, 3d, across the table, and with adam jr., in profile at the head, and little susan at the foot. then she waited her chance. being tired and aggressive she did not wait long. "i might as well tell you why i came," she said bluntly. "father won't give me money to go to normal, as he has all the others. he says i have got to stay at home and help mother." "well, mother is getting so old she needs help," said adam, jr., as he continued his supper. "of course she is," said kate. "we all know that. but what is the matter with nancy ellen helping her, while i take my turn at normal? there wasn't a thing i could do last summer to help her off that i didn't do, even to lending her my best dress and staying at home for six sundays because i had nothing else fit to wear where i'd be seen." no one said a word. kate continued: "then father secured our home school for her and i had to spend the winter going to school to her, when you very well know that i always studied harder, and was ahead of her, even after she'd been to normal. and i got up early and worked late, and cooked, and washed, and waited on her, while she got her lessons and reports ready, and fixed up her nice new clothes, and now she won't touch the work, and she is doing all she can to help father keep me from going." "i never knew father to need much help on anything he made up his mind to," said adam. kate sat very tense. she looked steadily at her brother, but he looked quite as steadily at his plate. the back of her sister-in-law was fully as expressive as her face. her head was very erect, her shoulders stiff and still, not a curl moved as she poured adam's tea and susan's milk. only adam, 3d, looked at kate with companionable eyes, as if he might feel a slight degree of interest or sympathy, so she found herself explaining directly to him. "things are blame unfair in our family, anyway!" she said, bitterly. "you have got to be born a boy to have any chance worth while; if you are a girl it is mighty small, and if you are the youngest, by any mischance, you have none at all. i don't want to harp things over; but i wish you would explain to me why having been born a few years after nancy ellen makes me her slave, and cuts me out of my chance to teach, and to have some freedom and clothes. they might as well have told hiram he was not to have any land and stay at home and help father because he was the youngest boy; it would have been quite as fair; but nothing like that happens to the boys of this family, it is always the girls who get left. i have worked for years, knowing every cent i saved and earned above barely enough to cover me, would go to help pay for hiram's land and house and stock; but he wouldn't turn a hand to help me, neither will any of the rest of you." "then what are you here for?" asked adam. "because i am going to give you, and every other brother and sister i have, the chance to refuse to loan me enough to buy a few clothes and pay my way to normal, so i can pass the examinations, and teach this fall. and when you have all refused, i am going to the neighbours, until i find someone who will loan me the money i need. a hundred dollars would be plenty. i could pay it back with two months' teaching, with any interest you say." kate paused, short of breath, her eyes blazing, her cheeks red. adam went steadily on with his supper. agatha appeared stiffer and more uncompromising in the back than before, which kate had not thought possible. but the same dull red on the girl's cheeks had begun to burn on the face of young adam. suddenly he broke into a clear laugh. "oh, ma, you're too funny!" he cried. "i can read your face like a book. i bet you ten dollars i can tell you just word for word what you are going to say. i dare you let me! you know i can!" still laughing, his eyes dancing, a picture to see, he stretched his arm across the table toward her, and his mother adored him, however she strove to conceal the fact from him. "ten dollars!" she scoffed. "when did we become so wealthy? i'll give you one dollar if you tell me exactly what i was going to say." the boy glanced at his father. "oh this is too easy!" he cried. "it's like robbing the baby's bank!" and then to his mother: "you were just opening your lips to say: 'give it to her! if you don't, i will!' and you are even a little bit more of a brick than usual to do it. it's a darned shame the way all of them impose on kate." there was a complete change in agatha's back. adam, jr., laid down his fork and stared at his wife in deep amazement. adam, 3d, stretched his hand farther toward his mother. "give me that dollar!" he cajoled. "well, i am not concealing it in the sleeve of my garments," she said. "if i have one, it is reposing in my purse, in juxtaposition to the other articles that belong there, and if you receive it, it will be bestowed upon you when i deem the occasion suitable." young adam's fist came down with a smash. "i get the dollar!" he triumphed. "i told you so! i knew she was going to say it! ain't i a dandy mind reader though? but it is bully for you, father, because of course, if mother wouldn't let kate have it, you'd have to; but if you did it might make trouble with your paternal land-grabber, and endanger your precious deed that you hope to get in the sweet by-and-by. but if mother loans the money, grandfather can't say a word, because it is her very own, and didn't cost him anything, and he always agrees with her anyway! hurrah for hurrah, kate! nancy ellen may wash her own petticoat in the morning, while i take you to the train. you'll let me, father? you did let me go to hartley alone, once. i'll be careful! i won't let a thing happen. i'll come straight home. and oh, my dollar, you and me; i'll put you in the bank and let you grow to three!" "you may go," said his father, promptly. "you shall proceed according to your aunt katherine's instructions," said his mother, at the same time. "katie, get your carpet-sack! when do we start?" demanded young adam. "morning will be all right with me, you blessed youngun," said kate, "but i don't own a telescope or anything to put what little i have in, and nancy ellen never would spare hers; she will want to go to county institute before i get back." "you may have mine," said agatha. "you are perfectly welcome to take it wherever your peregrinations lead you, and return it when you please. i shall proceed to my chamber and formulate your check immediately. you are also welcome to my best hat and cape, and any of my clothing or personal adornments you can use to advantage." "oh, agatha, i wish you were as big as a house, like me," said kate, joyfully. "i couldn't possibly crowd into anything you wear, but it would almost tickle me to death to have nancy ellen know you let me take your things, when she won't even offer me a dud of her old stuff; i never remotely hoped for any of the new." "you shall have my cape and hat, anyway. the cape is new and very fashionable. come upstairs and try the hat," said agatha. the cape was new and fashionable as agatha had said; it would not fasten at the neck, but there would be no necessity that it should during july and august, while it would improve any dress it was worn with on a cool evening. the hat kate could not possibly use with her large, broad face and mass of hair, but she was almost as pleased with the offer as if the hat had been most becoming. then agatha brought out her telescope, in which kate laid the cape while agatha wrote her a check for one hundred and twenty dollars, and told her where and how to cash it. the extra twenty was to buy a pair of new walking shoes, some hose, and a hat, before she went to her train. when they went downstairs adam, jr., had a horse hitched and adam, 3d, drove her to her home, where, at the foot of the garden, they took one long survey of the landscape and hid the telescope behind the privet bush. then adam drove away quietly, kate entered the dooryard from the garden, and soon afterward went to the wash room and hastily ironed her clothing. nancy ellen had gone to visit a neighbour girl, so kate risked her remaining until after church in the evening. she hurried to their room and mended all her own clothing she had laid out. then she deliberately went over nancy ellen's and helped herself to a pair of pretty nightdresses, such as she had never owned, a white embroidered petticoat, the second best white dress, and a most becoming sailor hat. these she made into a parcel and carried to the wash room, brought in the telescope and packed it, hiding it under a workbench and covering it with shavings. after that she went to her room and wrote a note, and then slept deeply until the morning call. she arose at once and went to the wash room but instead of washing the family clothing, she took a bath in the largest tub, and washed her hair to a state resembling spun gold. during breakfast she kept sharp watch down the road. when she saw adam, 3d, coming she stuck her note under the hook on which she had seen her father hang his hat all her life, and carrying the telescope in the clothes basket covered with a rumpled sheet, she passed across the yard and handed it over the fence to adam, climbed that same fence, and they started toward hartley. kate put the sailor hat on her head, and sat very straight, an anxious line crossing her forehead. she was running away, and if discovered, there was the barest chance that her father might follow, and make a most disagreeable scene, before the train pulled out. he had gone to a far field to plow corn and kate fervently hoped he would plow until noon, which he did. nancy ellen washed the dishes, and went into the front room to study, while mrs. bates put on her sunbonnet and began hoeing the potatoes. not one of the family noticed that monday's wash was not on the clothes line as usual. kate and adam drove as fast as they dared, and on reaching town, cashed the check, decided that nancy ellen's hat would serve, thus saving the price of a new one for emergencies that might arise, bought the shoes, and went to the depot, where they had an anxious hour to wait. "i expect grandpa will be pretty mad," said adam. "i am sure there is not the slightest chance but that he will be," said kate. "dare you go back home when school is over?" he asked. "probably not," she answered. "what will you do?" he questioned. "when i investigated sister nancy ellen's bureau i found a list of the school supervisors of the county, so i am going to put in my spare time writing them about my qualifications to teach their schools this winter. all the other girls did well and taught first-class schools, i shall also. i am not a bit afraid but that i may take my choice of several. when i finish it will be only a few days until school begins, so i can go hunt my boarding place and stay there." "mother would let you stay at our house," said adam. "yes, i think she would, after yesterday; but i don't want to make trouble that might extend to father and your father. i had better keep away." "yes, i guess you had," said adam. "if grandfather rows, he raises a racket. but maybe he won't!" "maybe! wouldn't you like to see what happens when mother come in from the potatoes and nancy ellen comes out from the living room, and father comes to dinner, all about the same time?" adam laughed appreciatively. "wouldn't i just!" he cried. "kate, you like my mother, don't you?" "i certainly do! she has been splendid. i never dreamed of such a thing as getting the money from her." "i didn't either," said adam, "until--i became a mind reader." kate looked straight into his eyes. "how about that, adam?" she asked. adam chuckled. "she didn't intend to say a word. she was going to let the bateses fight it out among themselves. her mouth was shut so tight it didn't look as if she could open it if she wanted to. i thought it would be better for you to borrow the money from her, so father wouldn't get into a mess, and i knew how fine she was, so i just suggested it to her. that's all!" "adam, you're a dandy!" cried kate. "i am having a whole buggy load of fun, and you ought to go," said he. "it's all right! don't you worry! i'll take care of you." "why, thank you, adam!" said kate. "that is the first time any one ever offered to take care of me in my life. with me it always has been pretty much of a 'go-it-alone' proposition." "what of nancy ellen's did you take?" he asked. "why didn't you get some gloves? your hands are so red and work-worn. mother's never look that way." "your mother never has done the rough field work i do, and i haven't taken time to be careful. they do look badly. i wish i had taken a pair of the lady's gloves; but i doubt if she would have survived that. i understand that one of the unpardonable sins is putting on gloves belonging to any one else." then the train came and kate climbed aboard with adam's parting injunction in her ears: "sit beside an open window on this side!" so she looked for and found the window and as she seated herself she saw adam on the outside and leaned to speak to him again. just as the train started he thrust his hand inside, dropped his dollar on her lap, and in a tense whisper commanded her: "get yourself some gloves!" then he ran. kate picked up the dollar, while her eyes dimmed with tears. "why, the fine youngster!" she said. "the jim-dandy fine youngster!" adam could not remember when he ever had been so happy as he was driving home. he found his mother singing, his father in a genial mood, so he concluded that the greatest thing in the world to make a whole family happy was to do something kind for someone else. but he reflected that there would be far from a happy family at his grandfather's; and he was right. grandmother bates came in from her hoeing at eleven o'clock tired and hungry, expecting to find the wash dry and dinner almost ready. there was no wash and no odour of food. she went to the wood-shed and stared unbelievingly at the cold stove, the tubs of soaking clothes. she turned and went into the kitchen, where she saw no signs of kate or of dinner, then she lifted up her voice and shouted: "nancy ellen!" nancy ellen came in a hurry. "why, mother, what is the matter?" she cried. "matter, yourself!" exclaimed mrs. bates. "look in the wash room! why aren't the clothes on the line? where is that good-for-nothing kate?" nancy ellen went to the wash room and looked. she came back pale and amazed. "maybe she is sick," she ventured. "she never has been; but she might be! maybe she has lain down." "on monday morning! and the wash not out! you simpleton!" cried mrs. bates. nancy ellen hurried upstairs and came back with bulging eyes. "every scrap of her clothing is gone, and half of mine!" "she's gone to that fool normal-thing! where did she get the money?" cried mrs. bates. "i don't know!" said nancy ellen. "she asked me yesterday, but of course i told her that so long as you and father decided she was not to go, i couldn't possibly lend her the money." "did you look if she had taken it?" nancy ellen straightened. "mother! i didn't need do that!" "you said she took your clothes," said mrs. bates. "i had hers this time last year. she'll bring back clothes." "not here, she won't! father will see that she never darkens these doors again. this is the first time in his life that a child of his has disobeyed him." "except adam, when he married agatha; and he strutted like a fighting cock about that." "well, he won't 'strut' about this, and you won't either, even if you are showing signs of standing up for her. go at that wash, while i get dinner." dinner was on the table when adam bates hung his hat on its hook and saw the note for him. he took it down and read: father: i have gone to normal. i borrowed the money of a woman who was willing to trust me to pay it back as soon as i earned it. not nancy ellen, of course. she would not even loan me a pocket handkerchief, though you remember i stayed at home six weeks last summer to let her take what she wanted of mine. mother: i think you can get sally whistler to help you as cheaply as any one and that she will do very well. nancy ellen: i have taken your second best hat and a few of your things, but not half so many as i loaned you. i hope it makes you mad enough to burst. i hope you get as mad and stay as mad as i have been most of this year while you taught me things you didn't know yourself; and i cooked and washed for you so you could wear fine clothes and play the lady. kate adam bates read that note to himself, stretching every inch of his six feet six, his face a dull red, his eyes glaring. then he turned to his wife and daughter. "is kate gone? without proper clothing and on borrowed money," he demanded. "i don't know," said mrs. bates. "i was hoeing potatoes all forenoon." "listen to this," he thundered. then he slowly read the note aloud. but someway the spoken words did not have the same effect as when he read them mentally in the first shock of anger. when he heard his own voice read off the line, "i hope it makes you mad enough to burst," there was a catch and a queer gurgle in his throat. mrs. bates gazed at him anxiously. was he so surprised and angry he was choking? might it be a stroke? it was! it was a master stroke. he got no farther than "taught me things you didn't know yourself," when he lowered the sheet, threw back his head and laughed as none of his family ever had seen him laugh in his life; laughed and laughed until his frame was shaken and the tears rolled. finally he looked at the dazed nancy ellen. "get sally whistler, nothing!" he said. "you hustle your stumps and do for your mother what kate did while you were away last summer. and if you have any common decency send your sister as many of your best things as you had of hers, at least. do you hear me?" chapter iii peregrinations "peregrinations," laughed kate, turning to the window to hide her face. "oh, agatha, you are a dear, but you are too funny! even a fourth of july orator would not have used that word. i never heard it before in all of my life outside spelling-school." then she looked at the dollar she was gripping and ceased to laugh. "the dear lad," she whispered. "he did the whole thing. she was going to let us 'fight it out'; i could tell by her back, and adam wouldn't have helped me a cent, quite as much because he didn't want to as because father wouldn't have liked it. fancy the little chap knowing he can wheedle his mother into anything, and exactly how to go about it! i won't spend a penny on myself until she is paid, and then i'll make her a present of something nice, just to let her and nancy ellen see that i appreciate being helped to my chance, for i had reached that point where i would have walked to school and worked in somebody's kitchen, before i'd have missed my opportunity. i could have done it; but this will be far pleasanter and give me a much better showing." then kate began watching the people in the car with eager curiosity, for she had been on a train only twice before in her life. she decided that she was in a company of young people and some even of middle age, going to normal. she also noticed that most of them were looking at her with probably the same interest she found in them. then at one of the stations a girl asked to sit with her and explained that she was going to normal, so kate said she was also. the girl seemed to have several acquaintances on the car, for she left her seat to speak with them and when the train stopped at a very pleasant city and the car began to empty itself, on the platform kate was introduced by this girl to several young women and men near her age. a party of four, going to board close the school, with a woman they knew about, invited kate to go with them and because she was strange and shaken by her experiences she agreed. all of them piled their luggage on a wagon to be delivered, so kate let hers go also. then they walked down a long shady street, and entered a dainty and comfortable residence, a place that seemed to kate to be the home of people of wealth. she was assigned a room with another girl, such a pleasant girl; but a vague uneasiness had begun to make itself felt, so before she unpacked she went back to the sitting room and learned that the price of board was eight dollars a week. forty-eight dollars for six weeks! she would not have enough for books and tuition. besides, nancy ellen had boarded with a family on butler street whose charge was only five-fifty. kate was eager to stay where these very agreeable young people did, she imagined herself going to classes with them and having association that to her would be a great treat, but she never would dare ask for more money. she thought swiftly a minute, and then made her first mistake. instead of going to the other girls and frankly confessing that she could not afford the prices they were paying, she watched her chance, picked up her telescope and hurried down the street, walking swiftly until she was out of sight of the house. then she began inquiring her way to butler street and after a long, hot walk, found the place. the rooms and board were very poor, but kate felt that she could endure whatever nancy ellen had, so she unpacked, and went to the normal school to register and learn what she would need. on coming from the building she saw that she would be forced to pass close by the group of girls she had deserted and this was made doubly difficult because she could see that they were talking about her. then she understood how foolish she had been and as she was struggling to summon courage to explain to them she caught these words plainly: "who is going to ask her for it?" "i am," said the girl who had sat beside kate on the train. "i don't propose to pay it myself!" then she came directly to kate and said briefly: "fifty cents, please!" "for what?" stammered kate. "your luggage. you changed your boarding place in such a hurry you forgot to settle, and as i made the arrangement, i had to pay it." "do please excuse me," said kate. "i was so bewildered, i forgot." "certainly!" said the girl and kate dropped the money into the extended hand and hurried past, her face scorched red with shame, for one of them had said: "that's a good one! i wouldn't have thought it of her." kate went back to her hot, stuffy room and tried to study, but she succeeded only in being miserable, for she realized that she had lost her second chance to have either companions or friends, by not saying the few words of explanation that would have righted her in the opinion of those she would meet each day for six weeks. it was not a good beginning, while the end was what might have been expected. a young man from her neighbourhood spoke to her and the girls seeing, asked him about kate, learning thereby that her father was worth more money than all of theirs put together. some of them had accepted the explanation that kate was "bewildered" and had acted hastily; but when the young man finished bates history, they merely thought her mean, and left her severely to herself, so her only recourse was to study so diligently, and recite so perfectly that none of them could equal her, and this she did. in acute discomfort and with a sore heart, kate passed her first six weeks away from home. she wrote to each man on the list of school directors she had taken from nancy ellen's desk. some answered that they had their teachers already engaged, others made no reply. one bright spot was the receipt of a letter from nancy ellen saying she was sending her best dress, to be very careful of it, and if kate would let her know the day she would be home she would meet her at the station. kate sent her thanks, wore the dress to two lectures, and wrote the letter telling when she would return. as the time drew nearer she became sickeningly anxious about a school. what if she failed in securing one? what if she could not pay back agatha's money? what if she had taken "the wings of morning," and fallen in her flight? in desperation she went to the superintendent of the normal and told him her trouble. he wrote her a fine letter of recommendation and she sent it to one of the men from whom she had not heard, the director of a school in the village of walden, seven miles east of hartley, being seventeen miles from her home, thus seeming to kate a desirable location, also she knew the village to be pretty and the school one that paid well. then she finished her work the best she could, and disappointed and anxious, entered the train for home. when the engine whistled at the bridge outside hartley kate arose, lifted her telescope from the rack overhead, and made her way to the door, so that she was the first person to leave the car when it stopped. as she stepped to the platform she had a distinct shock, for her father reached for the telescope, while his greeting and his face were decidedly friendly, for him. as they walked down the street kate was trying wildly to think of the best thing to say when he asked if she had a school. but he did not ask. then she saw in the pocket of his light summer coat a packet of letters folded inside a newspaper, and there was one long, official-looking envelope that stood above the others far enough that she could see "miss k--" of the address. instantly she decided that it was her answer from the school director of walden and she was tremblingly eager to see it. she thought an instant and then asked: "have you been to the post office?" "yes, i got the mail," he answered. "will you please see if there are any letters for me?" she asked. "when we get home," he said. "i am in a hurry now. here's a list of things ma wants, and don't be all day about getting them." kate's lips closed to a thin line and her eyes began to grow steel coloured and big. she dragged back a step and looked at the loosely swaying pocket again. she thought intently a second. as they passed several people on the walk she stepped back of her father and gently raised the letter enough to see that the address was to her. instantly she lifted it from the others, slipped it up her dress sleeve, and again took her place beside her father until they reached the store where her mother did her shopping. then he waited outside while kate hurried in, and ripping open the letter, found a contract ready for her to sign for the walden school. the salary was twenty dollars a month more than nancy ellen had received for their country school the previous winter and the term four months longer. kate was so delighted she could have shouted. instead she went with all speed to the stationery counter and bought an envelope to fit the contract, which she signed, and writing a hasty note of thanks she mailed the letter in the store mail box, then began her mother's purchases. this took so much time that her father came into the store before she had finished, demanding that she hurry, so in feverish haste she bought what was wanted and followed to the buggy. on the road home she began to study her father; she could see that he was well pleased over something but she had no idea what could have happened; she had expected anything from verbal wrath to the buggy whip, so she was surprised, but so happy over having secured such a good school, at higher wages than nancy ellen's, that she spent most of her time thinking of herself and planning as to when she would go to walden, where she would stay, how she would teach, and oh, bliss unspeakable, what she would do with so much money; for two month's pay would more than wipe out her indebtedness to agatha, and by getting the very cheapest board she could endure, after that she would have over three fourths of her money to spend each month for books and clothes. she was intently engaged with her side of the closet and her end of the bureau, when she had her first glimpse of home; even preoccupied as she was, she saw a difference. several loose pickets in the fence had been nailed in place. the lilac beside the door and the cabbage roses had been trimmed, so that they did not drag over the walk, while the yard had been gone over with a lawn-mower. kate turned to her father. "well, for land's sake!" she said. "i wanted a lawn-mower all last summer, and you wouldn't buy it for me. i wonder why you got it the minute i was gone." "i got it because nancy ellen especially wanted it, and she has been a mighty good girl all summer," he said. "if that is the case, then she should be rewarded with the privilege of running a lawn-mower," said kate. her father looked at her sharply; but her face was so pleasant he decided she did not intend to be saucy, so he said: "no doubt she will be willing to let you help her all you want to." "not the ghost of a doubt about that," laughed kate, "and i always wanted to try running one, too. they look so nice in pictures, and how one improves a place! i hardly know this is home. now if we only had a fresh coat of white paint we could line up with the neighbours." "i have been thinking about that," said mr. bates, and kate glanced at him, doubting her hearing. he noticed her surprise and added in explanation: "paint every so often saves a building. it's good economy." "then let's economize immediately," said kate. "and on the barn, too. it is even more weather-beaten than the house." "i'll see about it the next time i go to town," said mr. bates; so kate entered the house prepared for anything and wondering what it all meant for wherever she looked everything was shining the brightest that scrubbing and scouring could make it shine, the best of everything was out and in use; not that it was much, but it made a noticeable difference. her mother greeted her pleasantly, with a new tone of voice, while nancy ellen was transformed. kate noticed that, immediately. she always had been a pretty girl, now she was beautiful, radiantly beautiful, with a new shining beauty that dazzled kate as she looked at her. no one offered any explanation while kate could see none. at last she asked: "what on earth has happened? i don't understand." "of course you don't," laughed nancy ellen. "you thought you ran the whole place and did everything yourself, so i thought i'd just show you how things look when i run them." "you are a top-notcher," said kate. "figuratively and literally, i offer you the palm. let the good work go on! i highly approve; but i don't see how you found time to do all this and go to institute." "i didn't go to institute," said nancy ellen. "you didn't! but you must!" cried kate. "oh must i? well, since you have decided to run your affairs as you please, in spite of all of us, just suppose you let me run mine the same way. only, i rather enjoy having father and mother approve of what i do." kate climbed the stairs with this to digest as she went; so while she put away her clothing she thought things over, but saw no light. she would go to adam's to return the telescope to-morrow, possibly he could tell her. as she hung her dresses in the closet and returned nancy ellen's to their places she was still more amazed, for there hung three pretty new wash dresses, one of a rosy pink that would make nancy ellen appear very lovely. what was the reason, kate wondered. the bates family never did anything unless there was some purpose in it, what was the purpose in this? and nancy ellen had not gone to institute. she evidently had worked constantly and hard, yet she was in much sweeter frame of mind than usual. she must have spent almost all she had saved from her school on new clothes. kate could not solve the problem, so she decided to watch and wait. she also waited for someone to say something about her plans, but no one said a word, so after waiting all evening kate decided that they would ask before they learned anything from her. she took her place as usual, and the work went on as if she had not been away; but she was happy, even in her bewilderment. if her father noticed the absence of the letter she had slipped from his pocket he said nothing about it as he drew the paper and letters forth and laid them on the table. kate had a few bad minutes while this was going on, she was sure he hesitated an instant and looked closely at the letters he sorted; but when he said nothing, she breathed deeply in relief and went on being joyous. it seemed to her that never had the family been in such a good-natured state since adam had married agatha and her three hundred acres with house, furniture, and stock. she went on in ignorance of what had happened until after sunday dinner the following day. then she had planned to visit agatha and adam. it was very probable that it was because she was dressing for this visit that nancy ellen decided on kate's enlightenment, for she could not have helped seeing that her sister was almost stunned at times. kate gave her a fine opening. as she stood brushing her wealth of gold with full-length sweeps of her arm, she was at an angle that brought her facing the mirror before which nancy ellen sat training waves and pinning up loose braids. her hair was beautiful and she slowly smiled at her image as she tried different effects of wave, loose curl, braids high piled or flat. across her bed lay a dress that was a reproduction of one that she had worn for three years, but a glorified reproduction. the original dress had been nancy ellen's first departure from the brown and gray gingham which her mother always had purchased because it would wear well, and when from constant washing it faded to an exact dirt colour it had the advantage of providing a background that did not show the dirt. nancy ellen had earned the money for a new dress by raising turkeys, so when the turkeys went to town to be sold, for the first time in her life nancy ellen went along to select the dress. no one told her what kind of dress to get, because no one imagined that she would dare buy any startling variation from what always had been provided for her. but nancy ellen had stood facing a narrow mirror when she reached the gingham counter and the clerk, taking one look at her fresh, beautiful face with its sharp contrasts of black eyes and hair, rose-tinted skin that refused to tan, and red cheeks and lips, began shaking out delicate blues, pale pinks, golden yellows. he called them chambray; insisted that they wore for ever, and were fadeless, which was practically the truth. on the day that dress was like to burst its waist seams, it was the same warm rosy pink that transformed nancy ellen from the disfiguration of dirt-brown to apple and peach bloom, wild roses and swamp mallow, a girl quite as pretty as a girl ever grows, and much prettier than any girl ever has any business to be. the instant nancy ellen held the chambray under her chin and in an oblique glance saw the face of the clerk, the material was hers no matter what the cost, which does not refer to the price, by any means. knowing that the dress would be an innovation that would set her mother storming and fill kate with envy, which would probably culminate in the demand that the goods be returned and exchanged for dirt-brown, when she reached home nancy ellen climbed from the wagon and told her father that she was going on to adam's to have agatha cut out her dress so that she could begin to sew on it that night. such commendable industry met his hearty approval, so he told her to go and he would see that kate did her share of the work. wise nancy ellen came home and sat her down to sew on her gorgeous frock, while the storm she had feared raged in all its fury; but the goods was cut, and could not be returned. yet, through it, a miracle happened: nancy ellen so appreciated herself in pink that the extreme care she used with that dress saved it from half the trips of a dirt-brown one to the wash board and the ironing table; while, marvel of marvels, it did not shrink, it did not fade, also it wore like buckskin. the result was that before the season had passed kate was allowed to purchase a pale blue, which improved her appearance quite as much in proportion as pink had nancy ellen's; neither did the blue fade nor shrink nor require so much washing, for the same reason. three years the pink dress had been nancy ellen's piece de resistance; now she had a new one, much the same, yet conspicuously different. this was a daring rose colour, full and wide, peeping white embroidery trimming, and big pearl buttons, really a beautiful dress, made in a becoming manner. kate looked at it in cheerful envy. never mind! the coming summer she would have a blue that would make that pink look silly. from the dress she turned to nancy ellen, barely in time to see her bend her head and smirk, broadly, smilingly, approvingly, at her reflection in the glass. "for mercy sake, what is the matter with you?" demanded kate, ripping a strand of hair in sudden irritation. "oh, something lovely!" answered her sister, knowing that this was her chance to impart the glad tidings herself; if she lost it, agatha would get the thrill of kate's surprise. so nancy ellen opened her drawer and slowly produced and set upon her bureau a cabinet photograph of a remarkably strong-featured, handsome young man. then she turned to kate and smiled a slow, challenging smile. kate walked over and picked up the picture, studying it intently but in growing amazement. "who is he?" she asked finally. "my man!" answered nancy ellen, possessively, triumphantly. kate stared at her. "honest to god?" she cried in wonderment. "honest!" said nancy ellen. "where on earth did you find him?" demanded kate. "picked him out of the blackberry patch," said nancy ellen. "those darn blackberries are always late," said kate, throwing the picture back on the bureau. "ain't that just my luck! you wouldn't touch the raspberries. i had to pick them every one myself. but the minute i turn my back, you go pick a man like that, out of the blackberry patch. i bet a cow you wore your pink chambray, and carried grandmother's old blue bowl." "certainly," said nancy ellen, "and my pink sun-bonnet. i think maybe the bonnet started it." kate sat down limply on the first chair and studied the toes of her shoes. at last she roused and looked at nancy ellen, waiting in smiling complaisance as she returned the picture to her end of the bureau. "well, why don't you go ahead?" cried kate in a thick, rasping voice. "empty yourself! who is he? where did he come from? why was he in our blackberry patch? has he really been to see you, and is he courting you in earnest?--but of course he is! there's the lilac bush, the lawn-mower, the house to be painted, and a humdinger dress. is he a millionaire? for heaven's sake tell me--" "give me some chance! i did meet him in the blackberry patch. he's a nephew of henry lang and his name is robert gray. he has just finished a medical course and he came here to rest and look at hartley for a location, because lang thinks it would be such a good one. and since we met he has decided to take an office in hartley, and he has money to furnish it, and to buy and furnish a nice house." "great jehoshaphat!" cried kate. "and i bet he's got wings, too! i do have the rottenest luck!" "you act for all the world as if it were a foregone conclusion that if you had been here, you'd have won him!" nancy ellen glanced in the mirror and smiled, while kate saw the smile. she picked up her comb and drew herself to full height. "if anything ever was a 'foregone conclusion,'" she said, "it is a 'foregone conclusion' that if i had been here, i'd have picked the blackberries, and so i'd have had the first chance at him, at least." "much good it would have done you!" cried nancy ellen. "wait until he comes, and you see him!" "you may do your mushing in private," said kate. "i don't need a demonstration to convince me. he looks from the picture like a man who would be as soft as a frosted pawpaw." nancy ellen's face flamed crimson. "you hateful spite-cat!" she cried. then she picked up the picture and laid it face down in her drawer, while two big tears ran down her cheeks. kate saw those also. instantly she relented. "you big silly goose!" she said. "can't you tell when any one is teasing? i think i never saw a finer face than the one in that picture. i'm jealous because i never left home a day before in all my life, and the minute i do, here you go and have such luck. are you really sure of him, nancy ellen?" "well, he asked father and mother, and i've been to visit his folks, and he told them; and i've been with him to hartley hunting a house; and i'm not to teach this winter, so i can have all my time to make my clothes and bedding. father likes him fine, so he is going to give me money to get all i need. he offered to, himself." kate finished her braid, pulled the combings from the comb and slowly wrapped the end of her hair as she digested these convincing facts. she swung the heavy braid around her head, placed a few pins, then crossed to her sister and laid a shaking hand on her shoulder. her face was working strongly. "nancy ellen, i didn't mean one ugly word i said. you gave me an awful surprise, and that was just my bald, ugly bates way of taking it. i think you are one of the most beautiful women i ever have seen, alive or pictured. i have always thought you would make a fine marriage, and i am sure you will. i haven't a doubt that robert gray is all you think him, and i am as glad for you as i can be. you can keep house in hartley for two with scarcely any work at all, and you can have all the pretty clothes you want, and time to wear them. doctors always get rich if they are good ones, and he is sure to be a good one, once he gets a start. if only we weren't so beastly healthy there are enough bates and langs to support you for the first year. and i'll help you sew, and do all i can for you. now wipe up and look your handsomest!" nancy ellen arose and put her arms around kate's neck, a stunningly unusual proceeding. "thank you," she said. "that is big and fine of you. but i always have shirked and put my work on you; i guess now i'll quit, and do my sewing myself." then she slipped the pink dress over her head and stood slowly fastening it as kate started to leave the room. seeing her go: "i wish you would wait and meet robert," she said. "i have told him about what a nice sister i have." "i think i'll go on to adam's now," said kate. "i don't want to wait until they go some place, and i miss them. i'll do better to meet your man after i become more accustomed to bare facts, anyway. by the way, is he as tall as you?" "yes," said nancy ellen, laughing. "he is an inch and a half taller. why?" "oh, i hate seeing a woman taller than her husband and i've always wondered where we'd find men to reach our shoulders. but if they can be picked at random from the berry patch--" so kate went on her way laughing, lifting her white skirts high from the late august dust. she took a short cut through the woods and at a small stream, with sure foot, crossed the log to within a few steps of the opposite bank. there she stopped, for a young man rounded the bushes and set a foot on the same log; then he and kate looked straight into each other's eyes. kate saw a clean-shaven, forceful young face, with strong lines and good colouring, clear gray eyes, sandy brown hair, even, hard, white teeth, and broad shoulders a little above her own. the man saw kate, dressed in her best and looking her best. slowly she extended her hand. "i bet a picayune you are my new brother, robert," she said. the young man gripped her hand firmly, held it, and kept on looking in rather a stunned manner at kate. "well, aren't you?" she asked, trying to withdraw the hand. "i never, never would have believed it," he said. "believed what?" asked kate, leaving the hand where it was. "that there could be two in the same family," said he. "but i'm as different from nancy ellen as night from day," said kate, "besides, woe is me, i didn't wear a pink dress and pick you from the berry patch in a blue bowl." then the man released her hand and laughed. "you wouldn't have had the slightest trouble, if you had been there," he said. "except that i should have inverted my bowl," said kate, calmly. "i am looking for a millionaire, riding a milk-white steed, and he must be much taller than you and have black hair and eyes. good-bye, brother! i will see you this evening." then kate went down the path to deliver the telescope, render her thanks, make her promise of speedy payment, and for the first time tell her good news about her school. she found that she was very happy as she went and quite convinced that her first flight would prove entirely successful. chapter iv a question of contracts "hello, folks!" cried kate, waving her hand to the occupants of the veranda as she went up the walk. "glad to find you at home." "that is where you will always find me unless i am forced away on business," said her brother as they shook hands. agatha was pleased with this, and stiff as steel, she bent the length of her body toward kate and gave her a tight-lipped little peck on the cheek. "i came over, as soon as i could," said kate as she took the chair her brother offered, "to thank you for the big thing you did for me, agatha, when you lent me that money. if i had known where i was going, or the help it would be to me, i should have gone if i'd had to walk and work for my board. why, i feel so sure of myself! i've learned so much that i'm like the girl fresh from boarding school: 'the only wonder is that one small head can contain it all.' thank you over and over and i've got a good school, so i can pay you back the very first month, i think. if there are things i must have, i can pay part the first month and the remainder the second. i am eager for pay-day. i can't even picture the bliss of having that much money in my fingers, all my own, to do with as i please. won't it be grand?" in the same breath said agatha: "procure yourself some clothes!" said adam: "start a bank account!" said kate: "right you are! i shall do both." "even our little susan has a bank account," said adam, jr., proudly. "which is no reflection whatever on me," laughed kate. "susan did not have the same father and mother i had. i'd like to see a girl of my branch of the bates family start a bank account at ten." "no, i guess she wouldn't," admitted adam, dryly. "but have you heard that nancy ellen has started?" cried kate. "only think! a lawn-mower! the house and barn to be painted! all the dinge possible to remove scoured away, inside! she must have worn her fingers almost to the bone! and really, agatha, have you seen the man? he's as big as adam, and just fine looking. i'm simply consumed with envy." "miss medira, dora, ann, cast her net, and catched a man!" recited susan from the top step, at which they all laughed. "no, i have not had the pleasure of casting my optics upon the individual of nancy ellen's choice," said agatha primly, "but miss amelia lang tells me he is a very distinguished person, of quite superior education in a medical way. i shall call him if i ever have the misfortune to fall ill again. i hope you will tell nancy ellen that we shall be very pleased to have her bring him to see us some evening, and if she will let me know a short time ahead i shall take great pleasure in compounding a cake and freezing custard." "of course i shall tell her, and she will feel a trifle more stuck up than she does now, if that is possible," laughed kate in deep amusement. she surely was feeling fine. everything had come out so splendidly. that was what came of having a little spirit and standing up for your rights. also she was bubbling inside while agatha talked. kate wondered how adam survived it every day. she glanced at him to see if she could detect any marks of shattered nerves, then laughed outright. adam was the finest physical specimen of a man she knew. he was good looking also, and spoke as well as the average, better in fact, for from the day of their marriage, agatha sat on his lap each night and said these words: "my beloved, to-day i noted an error in your speech. it would put a former teacher to much embarrassment to have this occur in public. in the future will you not try to remember that you should say, 'have gone,' instead of 'have went?'" as she talked agatha rumpled adam's hair, pulled off his string tie, upon which she insisted, even when he was plowing; laid her hard little face against his, and held him tight with her frail arms, so that adam being part human as well as part bates, held her closely also and said these words: "you bet your sweet life i will!" and what is more he did. he followed a furrow the next day, softly muttering over to himself: "langs have gone to town. i have gone to work. the birds have gone to building nests." so adam seldom said: "have went," or made any other error in speech that agatha had once corrected. as kate watched him leaning back in his chair, vital, a study in well-being, the supremest kind of satisfaction on his face, she noted the flash that lighted his eye when agatha offered to "freeze a custard." how like agatha! any other woman kate knew would have said, "make ice cream." agatha explained to them that when they beat up eggs, added milk, sugar, and corn-starch it was custard. when they used pure cream, sweetened and frozen, it was iced cream. personally, she preferred the custard, but she did not propose to call it custard cream. it was not correct. why persist in misstatements and inaccuracies when one knew better? so agatha said iced cream when she meant it, and frozen custard, when custard it was, but every other woman in the neighbourhood, had she acted as she felt, would have slapped agatha's face when she said it: this both adam and kate well knew, so it made kate laugh despite the fact that she would not have offended agatha purposely. "i think--i think," said agatha, "that nancy ellen has much upon which to congratulate herself. more education would not injure her, but she has enough that if she will allow her ambition to rule her and study in private and spend her spare time communing with the best writers, she can make an exceedingly fair intellectual showing, while she surely is a handsome woman. with a good home and such a fine young professional man as she has had the good fortune to attract, she should immediately put herself at the head of society in hartley and become its leader to a much higher moral and intellectual plane than it now occupies." "bet she has a good time," said young adam. "he's awful nice." "son," said agatha, "'awful,' means full of awe. a cyclone, a cloudburst, a great conflagration are awful things. by no stretch of the imagination could they be called nice." "but, ma, if a cyclone blew away your worst enemy wouldn't it be nice?" adam, jr., and kate laughed. not the trace of a smile crossed agatha's pale face. "the words do not belong in contiguity," she said. "they are diametrically opposite in meaning. please do not allow my ears to be offended by hearing you place them in propinquity again." "i'll try not to, ma," said young adam; then agatha smiled on him approvingly. "when did you meet mr. gray, katherine?" she asked. "on the foot-log crossing the creek beside lang's line fence. near the spot nancy ellen first met him i imagine." "how did you recognize him?" "nancy ellen had just been showing me his picture and telling me about him. great day, but she's in love with him!" "and so he is with her, if lang's conclusions from his behaviour can be depended upon. they inform me that he can be induced to converse on no other subject. the whole arrangement appeals to me as distinctly admirable." "and you should see the lilac bush and the cabbage roses," said kate. "and the strangest thing is father. he is peaceable as a lamb. she is not to teach, but to spend the winter sewing on her clothes and bedding, and father told her he would give her the necessary money. she said so. and i suspect he will. he always favoured her because she was so pretty, and she can come closer to wheedling him than any of the rest of us excepting you, agatha." "it is an innovation, surely!" "mother is nearly as bad. father furnishing money for clothes and painting the barn is no more remarkable than mother letting her turn the house inside out. if it had been i, father would have told me to teach my school this winter, buy my own clothes and linen with the money i had earned, and do my sewing next summer. but i am not jealous. it is because she is handsome, and the man fine-looking and with such good prospects." "there you have it!" said adam emphatically. "if it were you, marrying jim lang, to live on lang's west forty, you would pay your own way. but if it were you marrying a fine-looking young doctor, who will soon be a power in hartley, no doubt, it would tickle father's vanity until he would do the same for you." "i doubt it!" said kate. "i can't see the vanity in father." "you can't?" said adam, jr., bitterly. "maybe not! you have not been with him in the treasurer's office when he calls for 'the tax on those little parcels of land of mine.' he looks every inch of six feet six then, and swells like a toad. to hear him you would think sixteen hundred and fifty acres of the cream of this county could be tied in a bandanna and carried on a walking stick, he is so casual about it. and those men fly around like buttons on a barn door to wait on him and it's 'mister bates this' and 'mister bates that,' until it turns my stomach. vanity! he rolls in it! he eats it! he risks losing our land for us that some of us have slaved over for twenty years, to feed that especial vein of his vanity. where should we be if he let anything happen to those deeds?" "how refreshing!" cried kate. "i love to hear you grouching! i hear nothing else from the women of the bates family, but i didn't even know the men had a grouch. are peter, and john, and hiram, and the other boys sore, too?" "i should say they are! but they are too diplomatic to say so. they are afraid to cheep. i just open my head and say right out loud in meeting that since i've turned in the taxes and insurance for all these years and improved my land more than fifty per cent., i'd like to own it, and pay my taxes myself, like a man." "i'd like to have some land under any conditions," said kate, "but probably i never shall. and i bet you never get a flipper on that deed until father has crossed over jordan, which with his health and strength won't be for twenty-five years yet at least. he's performing a miracle that will make the other girls rave, when he gives nancy ellen money to buy her outfit; but they won't dare let him hear a whisper of it. they'll take it all out on mother, and she'll be afraid to tell him." "afraid? mother afraid of him? not on your life. she is hand in glove with him. she thinks as he does, and helps him in everything he undertakes." "that's so, too. come to think of it, she isn't a particle afraid of him. she agrees with him perfectly. it would be interesting to hear them having a private conversation. they never talk a word before us. but they always agree, and they heartily agree on nancy ellen's man, that is plainly to be seen." "it will make a very difficult winter for you, katherine," said agatha. "when nancy ellen becomes interested in dresses and table linen and bedding she will want to sew all the time, and leave the cooking and dishes for you as well as your schoolwork." kate turned toward agatha in surprise. "but i won't be there! i told you i had taken a school." "you taken a school!" shouted adam. "why, didn't they tell you that father has signed up for the home school for you?" "good heavens!" said kate. "what will be to pay now?" "did you contract for another school?" cried adam. "i surely did," said kate slowly. "i signed an agreement to teach the village school in walden. it's a brick building with a janitor to sweep and watch fires, only a few blocks to walk, and it pays twenty dollars a month more than the home school where you can wade snow three miles, build your own fires, and freeze all day in a little frame building at that. i teach the school i have taken." "and throw our school out of a teacher? father could be sued, and probably will be," said adam. "and throw the housework nancy ellen expected you to do on her," said agatha, at the same time. "i see," said kate. "well, if he is sued, he will have to settle. he wouldn't help me a penny to go to school, i am of age, the debt is my own, and i don't owe it to him. he's had all my work has been worth all my life, and i've surely paid my way. i shall teach the school i have signed for." "you will get into a pretty kettle of fish!" said adam. "agatha, will you sell me your telescope for what you paid for it, and get yourself a new one the next time you go to hartley? it is only a few days until time to go to my school, it opens sooner than in the country, and closes later. the term is four months longer, so i earn that much more. i haven't gotten a telescope yet. you can add it to my first payment." "you may take it," said agatha, "but hadn't you better reconsider, katherine? things are progressing so nicely, and this will upset everything for nancy ellen." "that taking the home school will upset everything for me, doesn't seem to count. it is late, late to find teachers, and i can be held responsible if i break the contract i have made. father can stand the racket better than i can. when he wouldn't consent to my going, he had no business to make plans for me. i had to make my own plans and go in spite of him; he might have known i'd do all in my power to get a school. besides, i don't want the home school, or the home work piled on me. my hands look like a human being's for the first time in my life; then i need all my time outside of school to study and map out lessons. i am going to try for a room in the hartley schools next year, or the next after that, surely. they sha'n't change my plans and boss me, i am going to be free to work, and study, and help myself, like other teachers." "a grand row this will be," commented young adam. "and as usual kate will be right, while all of them will be trying to use her to their advantage. ma has done her share. now it is your turn, pa. ain't you going to go over and help her?" "what could i do?" demanded his father. "the mischief is done now." "well, if you can't do anything to help, you can let me have the buggy to drive her to walden, if they turn her out." "'forcibly invite her to proceed to her destination,' you mean, son," said agatha. "yes, ma, that is exactly what i mean," said young adam. "do i get the buggy?" "yes, you may take my private conveyance. but do nothing to publish the fact. there is no need to incur antagonism if it can be avoided." "kate, i'll be driving past the privet bush about nine in the morning. if you need me, hang a white rag on it, and i'll stop at the corner of the orchard." "i shall probably be standing in the road waiting for you," said kate. "oh, i hope not," said agatha. "looks remarkably like it to me," said kate. then she picked up the telescope, said good-bye to each of them, and in acute misery started back to her home. this time she followed the footpath beside the highway. she was so busy with her indignant thought that she forgot to protect her skirts from the dust of wayside weeds, while in her excitement she walked so fast her face was red and perspiring when she approached the church. "oh, dear, i don't know about it," said kate to the small, silent building. "i am trying to follow your advice, but it seems to me that life is very difficult, any way you go at it. if it isn't one thing, it is another. an hour ago i was the happiest i have ever been in my life; only look at me now! any one who wants 'the wings of morning' may have them for all of me. it seems definitely settled that i walk, carry a load, and fight for the chance to do even that." a big tear rolled down either side of kate's nose and her face twisted in self-pity for an instant. but when she came in sight of home her shoulders squared, the blue-gray of her eyes deepened to steel, and her lips set in a line that was an exact counterpart of her father's when he had made up his mind and was ready to drive his family, with their consent or without it. as she passed the vegetable garden--there was no time or room for flowers in a bates garden--kate, looking ahead, could see nancy ellen and robert gray beneath the cherry trees. she hoped nancy ellen would see that she was tired and dusty, and should have time to brush and make herself more presentable to meet a stranger, and so nancy ellen did; for which reason she immediately arose and came to the gate, followed by her suitor whom she at once introduced. kate was in no mood for words; one glance at her proved to robert gray that she was tired and dusty, that there were tear marks dried on her face. they hastily shook hands, but neither mentioned the previous meeting. excusing herself kate went into the house saying she would soon return. nancy ellen glanced at robert, and saw the look of concern on his face. "i believe she has been crying," she said. "and if she has, it's something new, for i never saw a tear on her face before in my life." "truly?" he questioned in amazement. "why, of course! the bates family are not weepers." "so i have heard," said the man, rather dryly. nancy ellen resented his tone. "would you like us better if we were?" "i couldn't like you better than i do, but because of what i have heard and seen, it naturally makes me wonder what could have happened that has made her cry." "we are rather outspoken, and not at all secretive," said nancy ellen, carelessly, "you will soon know." kate followed the walk around the house and entered at the side door, finding her father and mother in the dining room reading the weekly papers. her mother glanced up as she entered. "what did you bring agatha's telescope back with you for?" she instantly demanded. for a second kate hesitated. it had to come, she might as well get it over. possibly it would be easier with them alone than if nancy ellen were present. "it is mine," she said. "it represents my first purchase on my own hook and line." "you are not very choicy to begin on second-hand stuff. nancy ellen would have had a new one." "no doubt!" said kate. "but this will do for me." her father lowered his paper and asked harshly: "what did you buy that thing for?" kate gripped the handle and braced herself. "to pack my clothes in when i go to my school next week," she said simply. "what?" he shouted. "what?" cried her mother. "i don't know why you seem surprised," said kate. "surely you knew i went to normal to prepare myself to teach. did you think i couldn't find a school?" "now look here, young woman," shouted adam bates, "you are done taking the bit in your teeth. nancy ellen is not going to teach this winter. i have taken the home school for you; you will teach it. that is settled. i have signed the contract. it must be fulfilled." "then nancy ellen will have to fulfill it," said kate. "i also have signed a contract that must be fulfilled. i am of age, and you had no authority from me to sign a contract for me." for an instant kate thought there was danger that the purple rush of blood to her father's head might kill him. he opened his mouth, but no distinct words came. her face paled with fright, but she was of his blood, so she faced him quietly. her mother was quicker of wit, and sharper of tongue. "where did you get a school? why didn't you wait until you got home?" she demanded. "i am going to teach the village school in walden," said kate. "it is a brick building, has a janitor, i can board reasonably, near my work, and i get twenty dollars more a month than our school pays, while the term is four months longer." "well, it is a pity about that; but it makes no difference," said her mother. "our home school has got to be taught as pa contracted, and nancy ellen has got to have her chance." "what about my chance?" asked kate evenly. "not one of the girls, even exceptional ability, ever had as good a school or as high wages to start on. if i do well there this winter, i am sure i can get in the hartley graded schools next fall." "don't you dare nickname your sister," cried mrs. bates, shrilly. "you stop your impudence and mind your father." "ma, you leave this to me," said adam bates, thickly. then he glared at kate as he arose, stretching himself to full height. "you've signed a contract for a school?" he demanded. "i have," said kate. "why didn't you wait until you got home and talked it over with us?" he questioned. "i went to you to talk over the subject to going," said kate. "you would not even allow me to speak. how was i to know that you would have the slightest interest in what school i took, or where." "when did you sign this contract?" he continued. "yesterday afternoon, in hartley," said kate. "aha! then i did miss a letter from my pocket. when did you get to be a thief?" he demanded. "oh, father!" cried kate. "it was my letter. i could see my name on the envelope. i asked you for it, before i took it." "from behind my back, like the sneak-thief you are. you are not fit to teach in a school where half the scholars are the children of your brothers and sisters, and you are not fit to live with honest people. pack your things and be off!" "now? this afternoon?" asked kate. "this minute!" he cried. "all right. you will be surprised at how quickly i can go," said kate. she set down the telescope and gathered a straw sunshade and an apron from the hooks at the end of the room, opened the dish cupboard, and took out a mug decorated with the pinkest of wild roses and the reddest and fattest of robins, bearing the inscription in gold, "for a good girl" on a banner in its beak. kate smiled at it grimly as she took the telescope and ran upstairs. it was the work of only a few minutes to gather her books and clothing and pack the big telescope, then she went down the front stairs and left the house by the front door carrying in her hand everything she possessed on earth. as she went down the walk nancy ellen sprang up and ran to her while robert gray followed. "you'll have to talk to me on the road," said kate. "i am forbidden the house which also means the grounds, i suppose." she walked across the road, set the telescope on the grass under a big elm tree, and sat down beside it. "i find i am rather tired," she said. "will you share the sofa with me?" nancy ellen lifted her pink skirt and sat beside kate. robert gray stood looking down at them. "what in the world is the matter?" asked nancy ellen. "you know, of course, that father signed a contract for me to teach the home school this winter," explained kate. "well, i am of age, and he had no authority from me, so his contract isn't legal. none of you would lift a finger to help me get away to normal, how was i to know that you would take any interest in finding me a school while i was gone? i thought it was all up to me, so i applied for the school in walden, got it, and signed the contract to teach it. it is a better school, at higher wages. i thought you would teach here--i can't break my contract. father is furious and has ordered me out of the house. so there you are, or rather here i am." "well, it isn't much of a joke," said nancy ellen, thinking intently. what she might have said had they been alone, kate always wondered. what she did say while her betrothed looked at her with indignant eyes was possibly another matter. it proved to be merely: "oh, kate, i am so sorry!" "so am i," said kate. "if i had known what your plans were, of course i should gladly have helped you out. if only you had written me and told me." "i wanted to surprise you," said nancy ellen. "you have," said kate. "enough to last a lifetime. i don't see how you figured. you knew how late it was. you knew it would be nip and tuck if i got a school at all." "of course we did! we thought you couldn't possibly get one, this late, so we fixed up the scheme to let you have my school, and let me sew on my linen this winter. we thought you would be as pleased as we were." "i am too sorry for words," said kate. "if i had known your plan, i would have followed it, even though i gave up a better school at a higher salary. but i didn't know. i thought i had to paddle my own canoe, so i made my own plans. now i must live up to them, because my contract is legal, while father's is not. i would have taught the school for you, in the circumstances, but since i can't, so far as i am concerned, the arrangement i have made is much better. the thing that really hurts the worst, aside from disappointing you, is that father says i was not honest in what i did." "but what did you do?" cried nancy ellen. so kate told them exactly what she had done. "of course you had a right to your own letter, when you could see the address on it, and it was where you could pick it up," said robert gray. kate lifted dull eyes to his face. "thank you for so much grace, at any rate," she said. "i don't blame you a bit," said nancy ellen. "in the same place i'd have taken it myself." "you wouldn't have had to," said kate. "i'm too abrupt--too much like the gentleman himself. you would have asked him in a way that would have secured you the letter with no trouble." nancy ellen highly appreciated these words of praise before her lover. she arose immediately. "maybe i could do something with him now," she said. "i'll go and see." "you shall do nothing of the kind," said kate. "i am as much bates as he is. i won't be taunted afterward that he turned me out and that i sent you to him to plead for me." "i'll tell him you didn't want me to come, that i came of my own accord," offered nancy ellen. "and he won't believe you," said kate. "would you consent for me to go?" asked robert gray. "certainly not! i can look out for myself." "what shall you do?" asked nancy ellen anxiously. "that is getting slightly ahead of me," said kate. "if i had been diplomatic i could have evaded this until morning. adam, 3d, is to be over then, prepared to take me anywhere i want to go. what i have to face now is a way to spend the night without letting the neighbours know that i am turned out. how can i manage that?" nancy ellen and robert each began making suggestions, but kate preferred to solve her own problems. "i think," she said, "that i shall hide the telescope under the privet bush, there isn't going to be rain to-night; and then i will go down to hiram's and stay all night and watch for adam when he passes in the morning. hiram always grumbles because we don't come oftener." "then we will go with you," said nancy ellen. "it will be a pleasant evening walk, and we can keep you company and pacify my twin brother at the same time." so they all walked to the adjoining farm on the south and when nancy ellen and robert were ready to start back, kate said she was tired and she believed she would stay until morning, which was agreeable to hiram and his wife, a girlhood friend of kate's. as nancy ellen and robert walked back toward home: "how is this going to come out?" he asked, anxiously. "it will come out all right," said nancy ellen, serenely. "kate hasn't a particle of tact. she is father himself, all over again. it will come out this way: he will tell me that kate has gone back on him and i shall have to teach the school, and i will say that is the only solution and the best thing to do. then i shall talk all evening about how provoking it is, and how i hate to change my plans, and say i am afraid i shall lose you if i have to put off our wedding to teach the school, and things like that," nancy ellen turned a flushed sparkling face to robert, smiling quizzically, "and to-morrow i shall go early to see serena woodruff, who is a fine scholar and a good teacher, but missed her school in the spring by being so sick she was afraid to contract for it. she is all right now, and she will be delighted to have the school, and when i know she will take it then i shall just happen to think of her in a day or two and i'll suggest her, after i've wailed a lot more; and father will go to see her of his own accord, and it will all be settled as easy as falling off a chunk, only i shall not get on so fast with my sewing, because of having to help mother; but i shall do my best, and everything will be all right." the spot was secluded. robert gray stopped to tell nancy ellen what a wonderful girl she was. he said he was rather afraid of such diplomacy. he foresaw clearly that he was going to be a managed man. nancy ellen told him of course he was, all men were, the thing was not to let them know it. then they laughed and listened to a wood robin singing out his little heart in an evening song that was almost as melodious as his spring performances had been. chapter v the prodigal daughter early in the morning kate set her young nephew on the gate-post to watch for his cousin, and he was to have a penny for calling at his approach. when his lusty shout came, kate said good-bye to her sister-in-law, paid the penny, kissed the baby, and was standing in the road when adam stopped. he looked at her inquiringly. "well, it happened," she said. "he turned me out instanter, with no remarks about when i might return, if ever, while mother cordially seconded the motion. it's a good thing, adam, that you offered to take care of me, because i see clearly that you are going to have it to do." "of course i will," said adam promptly. "and of course i can. do you want to go to hartley for anything? because if you don't, we can cut across from the next road and get to walden in about fifteen miles, while it's seventeen by hartley; but if you want to go we can, for i needn't hurry. i've got a box of lunch and a feed for my horse in the back of the buggy. mother said i was to stay with you until i saw you settled in your room, if you had to go; and if you do, she is angry with grandpa, and she is going to give him a portion of her mentality the very first time she comes in contact with him. she said so." "yes, i can almost hear her," said kate, struggling to choke down a rising laugh. "she will never know how i appreciate what she has done for me, but i think talking to father will not do any good. home hasn't been so overly pleasant. it's been a small, dark, cramped house, dingy and hot, when it might have been big, airy, and comfortable, well furnished and pretty as father's means would allow, and as all the neighbours always criticize him for not having it; it's meant hard work and plenty of it ever since i was set to scouring the tinware with rushes at the mature age of four, but it's been home, all the home i have had, and it hurts more than i can tell you to be ordered out of it as i was, but if i do well and make a big success, maybe he will let me come back for christmas, or next summer's vacation." "if he won't, ma said you could come to our house," said adam. "that's kind of her, but i couldn't do it," said kate. "she said you could," persisted the boy. "but if i did it, and father got as mad as he was last night and tore up your father's deed, then where would i be?" asked kate. "you'd be a sixteenth of two hundred acres better off than you are now," said adam. "possibly," laughed kate, "but i wouldn't want to become a land shark that way. look down the road." "who is it?" asked adam. "nancy ellen, with my telescope," answered kate. "i am to go, all right." "all right, then we will go," said the boy, angrily. "but it is a blame shame and there is no sense to it, as good a girl as you have been, and the way you have worked. mother said at breakfast there was neither sense nor justice in the way grandpa always has acted and she said she would wager all she was worth that he would live to regret it. she said it wasn't natural, and when people undertook to controvert--ain't that a peach? bet there isn't a woman in ten miles using that word except ma--nature they always hurt themselves worse than they hurt their victims. and i bet he does, too, and i, for one, don't care. i hope he does get a good jolt, just to pay him up for being so mean." "don't, adam, don't!" cautioned kate. "i mean it!" cried the boy. "i know you do. that's the awful thing about it," said kate. "i am afraid every girl he has feels the same way, and from what your father said yesterday, even the sons he favours don't feel any too good toward him." "you just bet they don't! they are every one as sore as boiled owls. pa said so, and he knows, for they all talk it over every time they meet. he said they didn't feel like men, they felt like a lot of 'spanked school-boys.'" "they needn't worry," said kate. "every deed is made out. father reads them over whenever it rains. they'll all get their land when he dies. it is only his way." "yes, and this is only his way, too, and it's a dern poor way," said adam. "pa isn't going to do this way at all. mother said he could go and live on his land, and she'd stay home with susan and me, if he tried it. and when i am a man i am going to do just like pa and ma because they are the rightest people i know, only i am not going to save quite so close as pa, and if i died for it, i never could converse or dance like ma." "i should hope not!" said kate, and then added hastily, "it's all right for a lady, but it would seem rather sissy for a man, i believe." "yes, i guess it would, but it is language let me tell you, when ma cuts loose," said adam. "hello, nancy ellen," said kate as adam stopped the buggy. "put my telescope in the back with the horse feed. since you have it, i don't need ask whether i am the prodigal daughter or not. i see clearly i am." nancy ellen was worried, until she was pale. "kate," she said, "i never have seen father so angry in all my life. i thought last night that in a day or two i could switch the school over to serena woodruff, and go on with my plans, but father said at breakfast if the bates name was to stand for anything approaching honour, a bates would teach that school this winter or he'd know the reason why. and you know how easy it is to change him. oh, kate, won't you see if that walden trustee can't possibly find another teacher, and let you off? i know robert will be disappointed, for he's rented his office and bought a house and he said last night to get ready as soon after christmas as i could. oh, kate, won't you see if you can't possibly get that man to hire another teacher?" "why, nancy ellen--" said kate. nancy ellen, with a twitching face, looked at kate. "if robert has to wait months, there in hartley, handsome as he is, and he has to be nice to everybody to get practice, and you know how those hartley girls are--" "yes, nancy ellen, i know," said kate. "i'll see what i can do. is it understood that if i give up the school and come back and take ours, father will let me come home?" "yes, oh, yes!" cried nancy ellen. "well, nothing goes on guess-work. i'll hear him say it, myself," said kate. she climbed from the buggy. nancy ellen caught her arm. "don't go in there! don't you go there," she cried. "he'll throw the first thing he can pick up at you. mother says he hasn't been asleep all night." "pooh!" said kate. "how childish! i want to hear him say that, and he'll scarcely kill me." she walked swiftly to the side door. "father," she said, "nancy ellen is afraid she will lose robert gray if she has to put off her marriage for months--" kate stepped back quickly as a chair crashed against the door facing. she again came into view and continued--"so she asked me if i would get out of my school and come back if i could"--kate dodged another chair; when she appeared again--"to save the furniture, of which we have none too much, i'll just step inside," she said. when her father started toward her, she started around the dining table, talking as fast as she could, he lunging after her like a furious bull. "she asked me to come back and teach the school--to keep her from putting off her wedding--because she is afraid to- if i can break my contract there--may i come back and help her out here?" the pace was going more swiftly each round, it was punctuated at that instant by a heavy meat platter aimed at kate's head. she saw it picked up and swayed so it missed. "i guess that is answer enough for me," she panted, racing on. "a lovely father you are--no wonder your daughters are dishonest through fear of you--no wonder your wife has no mind of her own--no wonder your sons hate you and wish you would die--so they could have their deeds and be like men--instead of 'spanked school-boys' as they feel now--no wonder the whole posse of us hate you." directly opposite the door kate caught the table and drew it with her to bar the opening. as it crashed against the casing half the dishes flew to the floor in a heap. when adam bates pulled it from his path he stepped in a dish of fried potatoes and fell heavily. kate reached the road, climbed in the buggy, and said the nancy ellen: "you'd better hide! cut a bundle of stuff and send it to me by adam and i'll sew my fingers to the bone for you every night. now drive like sin, adam!" as adam bates came lurching down the walk in fury the buggy dashed past and kate had not even time to turn her head to see what happened. "take the first turn," she said to adam. "i've done an awful thing." "what did you do?" cried the boy. "asked him as nicely as i could; but he threw a chair at me. something funny happened to me, and i wasn't afraid of him at all. i dodged it, and finished what i was saying, and another chair came, so the two bates went at it." "oh, kate, what did you do?" cried adam. "went inside and ran around the dining table while i told him what all his sons and daughters think of him. 'spanked school-boys' and all--" "did you tell him my father said that?" he demanded. "no. i had more sense left than that," said kate. "i only said all his boys felt like that. then i pulled the table after me to block the door, and smashed half the dishes and he slipped in the fried potatoes and went down with a crash--" "bloody murder!" cried young adam, aghast. "me, too!" said kate. "i'll never step in that house again while he lives. i've spilled the beans, now." "that you have," said adam, slacking his horse to glance back. "he is standing in the middle of the road shaking his fist after you." "can you see nancy ellen?" asked kate. "no. she must have climbed the garden fence and hidden behind the privet bush." "well, she better make it a good long hide, until he has had plenty of time to cool off. he'd have killed me if he had caught me, after he fell--and wasted all those potatoes already cooked----" kate laughed a dry hysterical laugh, but the boy sat white-faced and awed. "never mind," said kate, seeing how frightened he was. "when he has had plenty of time he'll cool off; but he'll never get over it. i hope he doesn't beat mother, because i was born." "oh, drat such a man!" said young adam. "i hope something worse that this happens to him. if ever i see father begin to be the least bit like him as he grows older i shall----" "well, what shall you do?" asked kate, as he paused. "tell ma!" cried young adam, emphatically. kate leaned her face in her hands and laughed. when she could speak she said: "do you know, adam, i think that would be the very best thing you could do." "why, of course!" said adam. they drove swiftly and reached walden before ten o'clock. there they inquired their way to the home of the trustee, but kate said nothing about giving up the school. she merely made a few inquiries, asked for the key of the schoolhouse, and about boarding places. she was directed to four among which she might choose. "where would you advise me to go?" she asked the trustee. "well, now, folks differ," said he. "all those folks is neighbours of mine and some might like one, and some might like another, best. i could say this: i think means would be the cheapest, knowls the dearest, but the last teacher was a good one, an' she seemed well satisfied with the widder holt." "i see," said kate, smiling. then she and young adam investigated the schoolhouse and found it far better than any either of them had ever been inside. it promised every comfort and convenience, compared with schools to which they had been accustomed, so they returned the keys, inquired about the cleaning of the building, and started out to find a boarding place. first they went to the cheapest, but it could be seen at a glance that it was too cheap, so they eliminated that. then they went to the most expensive, but it was obvious from the house and grounds that board there would be more than kate would want to pay. "i'd like to save my digestion, and have a place in which to study, where i won't freeze," said kate, "but i want to board as cheaply as i can. this morning changes my plans materially. i shall want to go to school next summer part of the time, but the part i do not, i shall have to pay my way, so i mustn't spend money as i thought i would. not one of you will dare be caught doing a thing for me. to make you safe i'll stay away, but it will cost me money that i'd hoped to have for clothes like other girls." "it's too bad," said adam, "but i'll stick to you, and so will ma." "of course you will, you dear boy," said kate. "now let's try our third place; it is not far from here." soon they found the house, but kate stopped short on sight of it. "adam, there has been little in life to make me particular," she said, "but i draw the line at that house. i would go crazy in a house painted bright red with brown and blue decoration. it should be prohibited by law. let us hunt up the widder holt and see how her taste in colour runs." "the joke is on you," said adam, when they had found the house. it was near the school, on a wide shady street across which big maples locked branches. there was a large lot filled with old fruit trees and long grass, with a garden at the back. the house was old and low, having a small porch in front, but if it ever had seen paint, it did not show it at that time. it was a warm linty gray, the shingles of the old roof almost moss-covered. "the joke is on me," said kate. "i shall have no quarrel with the paint here, and will you look at that?" adam looked where kate pointed across the street, and nodded. "that ought to be put in a gold frame," he said. "i think so, too," said kate. "i shouldn't be a bit surprised if i stay where i can see it." they were talking of a deep gully facing the house and running to a levee where the street crossed. a stream ran down it, dipped under a culvert, turned sharply, and ran away to a distant river, spanning which they could see the bridge. tall old forest trees lined the banks, shrubs and bushes grew in a thicket. there were swaying, clambering vines and a babel of bird notes over the seed and berry bearing bushes. "let's go inside, and if we agree, then we will get some water and feed the horse and eat our lunch over there," said kate. "just the thing!" said young adam. "come and we will proceed to the residence of mrs. holt and investigate her possibilities. how do you like that?" "that is fine," said kate gravely. "it is," said adam, promptly, "because it is ma. and whatever is ma, is right." "good for you!" cried kate. "i am going to break a bates record and kiss you good-bye, when you go. i probably shan't have another in years. come on." they walked up the grassy wooden walk, stepped on the tiny, vine-covered porch, and lifted and dropped a rusty old iron knocker. almost at once the door opened, to reveal a woman of respectable appearance, a trifle past middle age. she made kate think of dried sage because she had a dried-out look and her complexion, hair, and eyes were all that colour. she was neat and clean while the hall into which she invited them was clean and had a wholesome odour. kate explained her errand. mrs. holt breathed a sigh of relief. "well, thank goodness i was before-handed," she said. "the teacher stayed here last year and she was satisfied, so i ast the trustee to mention me to the new teacher. nobody was expecting you until the last of the week, but i says to myself, 'always take time by the fetlock, samantha, always be ready'; so last week i put in scouring my spare room to beat the nation, and it's all ready so's you can walk right in." "thank you," said kate, rather resenting the assumption that she was to have no option in the matter. "i have four places on my list where they want the teacher, so i thought i would look at each of them and then decide." "my, ain't we choicey!" said mrs. holt in sneering tones. then she changed instantly, and in suave commendation went on: "that's exactly right. that's the very thing fer you to do. after you have seen what walden has to offer, then a pretty young thing like you can make up your mind where you will have the most quiet fer your work, the best room, and be best fed. one of the greatest advantages here fer a teacher is that she can be quiet, an' not have her room rummaged. every place else that takes boarders there's a lot of children; here there is only me and my son, and he is grown, and will be off to his medical work next week fer the year, so all your working time here, you'd be alone with me. this is the room." "that surely would be a great advantage, because i have much studying to do," said kate as they entered the room. with one glance, she liked it. it was a large room with low ceiling, quaintly papered in very old creamy paper, scattered with delicately cut green leaves, but so carefully had the room been kept, that it was still clean. there were four large windows to let in light and air, freshly washed white curtains hanging over the deep green shades. the floor was carpeted with a freshly washed rag carpet stretched over straw, the bed was invitingly clean and looked comfortable, there was a wash stand with bowl and pitcher, soap and towels, a small table with a lamp, a straight-backed chair and a rocking chair. mrs. holt opened a large closet having hooks for dresses at one end and shelves at the other. on the top of these there were a comfort and a pair of heavy blankets. "your winter covers," said mrs. holt, indicating these, "and there is a good stove i take out in summer to make more room, and set up as soon as it gets cold, and that is a wood box." she pointed out a shoe box covered with paper similar to that on the walls. kate examined the room carefully, the bed, the closet, and tried the chairs. behind the girl, mrs. holt, with compressed lips, forgetting adam's presence, watched in evident disapproval. "i want to see the stove," said kate. "it is out in the woodhouse. it hasn't been cleaned up for the winter yet." "then it won't be far away. let's look at it." almost wholly lacking experience, kate was proceeding by instinct in exactly the same way her father would have taken through experience. mrs. holt hesitated, then turned: "oh, very well," she said, leading the way down the hall, through the dining room, which was older in furnishing and much more worn, but still clean and wholesome, as were the small kitchen and back porch. from it there was only a step to the woodhouse, where on a little platform across one end sat two small stoves for burning wood, one so small as to be tiny. kate walked to the larger, lifted the top, looked inside, tried the dampers and drafts and turning said: "that is very small. it will require more wood than a larger one." mrs. holt indicated dry wood corded to the roof. "we git all our wood from the thicket across the way. that little strip an' this lot is all we have left of father's farm. we kept this to live on, and sold the rest for town lots, all except that gully, which we couldn't give away. but i must say i like the trees and birds better than mebby i'd like people who might live there; we always git our wood from it, and the shade an' running water make it the coolest place in town." "yes, i suppose they do," said kate. she took one long look at everything as they returned to the hall. "the trustee told me your terms are four dollars and fifty cents a week, furnishing food and wood," she said, "and that you allowed the last teacher to do her own washing on saturday, for nothing. is that right?" the thin lips drew more tightly. mrs. holt looked at kate from head to foot in close scrutiny. "i couldn't make enough to pay the extra work at that," she said. "i ought to have a dollar more, to really come out even. i'll have to say five-fifty this fall." "if that is the case, good-bye," said kate. "thank you very much for showing me. five-fifty is what i paid at normal, it is more than i can afford in a village like this." she turned away, followed by adam. they crossed the street, watered the horse at the stream, placed his food conveniently for him, and taking their lunch box, seated themselves on a grassy place on the bank and began eating. "wasn't that a pretty nice room?" asked adam. "didn't you kind of hate to give it up?" "i haven't the slightest intention of giving it up," answered kate. "that woman is a skin-flint and i don't propose to let her beat me. no doubt she was glad to get four-fifty last fall. she's only trying to see if she can wring me for a dollar more. if i have to board all next summer, i shall have to watch every penny, or i'll not come out even, let alone saving anything. i'll wager you a nickel that before we leave, she comes over here and offers me the room at the same price she got last winter." "i hope you are right," said adam. "how do you like her?" "got a grouch, nasty temper, mean disposition; clean house, good room, good cook--maybe; lives just on the edge of comfort by daily skimping," summarized kate. "if she comes, are you going to try it?" asked adam. "yes, i think i shall. it is nearest my purse and requirements and if the former teacher stayed there, it will seem all right for me; but she isn't going to put that little stove in my room. it wouldn't heat the closet. how did you like her?" "not much!" said adam, promptly. "if glaring at your back could have killed you, you would have fallen dead when you examined the closet, and bedding, and stove. she honeyed up when she had to, but she was mad as hops. i nearly bursted right out when she talked about 'taking time by the fetlock.' i wanted to tell her she looked like she had, and almost got the life kicked out of her doing it, but i thought i'd better not." kate laughed. "yes, i noticed," she said, "but i dared not look at you. i was afraid you'd laugh. isn't this a fine lunch?" "bet your life it is," said adam. "ma never puts up any other kind." "i wish someone admired me as much as you do your mother, adam," said kate. "well, you be as nice as ma, and somebody is sure to," said he. "but i never could," said kate. "oh, yes, you could," said adam, "if you would only set yourself to do it and try with all your might to be like her. look, quick! that must be her 'medical course' man!" kate glanced across the way and saw a man she thought to be about thirty years of age. he did not resemble his mother in any particular, if he was the son of mrs. holt. he was above the average man in height, having broad, rather stooping shoulders, dark hair and eyes. he stopped at the gate and stood a few seconds looking at them, so they could not very well study him closely, then he went up the walk with loose, easy stride and entered the house. "yes, that is her son," said kate. "that is exactly the way a man enters a house that belongs to him." "that isn't the way i am going to enter my house," said adam. "now what shall we do?" "rest half an hour while they talk it over, and then get ready to go very deliberately. if she doesn't come across, literally and figuratively, we hunt another boarding place." "i half believe she will come," said adam. "she is watching us; i can see her pull back the blind of her room to peep." "keep looking ahead. don't let her think you see her. let's go up the creek and investigate this ravine. isn't it a lovely place?" "yes. i'm glad you got it," said adam, "that is, if she come across. i will think of you as having it to look at in summer; and this winter--my, what rabbit hunting there will be, and how pretty it will look!" so they went wandering up the ravine, sometimes on one bank, sometimes crossing stepping-stones or logs to the other, looking, talking, until a full hour had passed when they returned to the buggy. adam began changing the halter for the bridle while kate shook out the lap robe. "nickel, please," whispered kate. adam glanced across the street to see mrs. holt coming. she approached them and with no preliminaries said: "i have been telling my son about you an' he hates so bad to go away and leave me alone for the winter, that he says to take you at the same as the last teacher, even if i do lose money on it." "oh, you wouldn't do that, mrs. holt," said kate, carelessly. "of course it is for you to decide. i like the room, and if the board was right for the other teacher it will be for me. if you want me to stay, i'll bring my things over and take the room at once. if not, i'll look farther." "come right over," said mrs. holt, cordially. "i am anxious to git on the job of mothering such a sweet young lady. what will you have for your supper?" "whatever you are having," said kate. "i am not accustomed to ordering my meals. adam, come and help me unpack." in half an hour kate had her dresses on the hooks, her underclothing on the shelves, her books on the table, her pencils and pen in the robin cup, and was saying goodbye to adam, and telling him what to tell his father, mother, and nancy ellen--if he could get a stolen interview with her on the way home. he also promised to write kate what happened about the home school and everything in which she would be interested. then she went back to her room, sat in the comfortable rocking chair, and with nothing in the world she was obliged to do immediately, she stared at the opposite wall and day by day reviewed the summer. she sat so long and stared at the wall so intently that gradually it dissolved and shaped into the deep green ravine across the way, which sank into soothing darkness and the slowly lightened until a peep of gold came over the tree tops; and then, a red sun crept up having a big wonderful widespread wing on each side of it. kate's head fell with a jerk which awakened her, so she arose, removed her dress, washed and brushed her hair, put on a fresh dress and taking a book, she crossed the street and sat on the bank of the stream again, which she watched instead of reading, as she had intended. chapter vi kate's private pupil at first kate merely sat in a pleasant place and allowed her nerves to settle, after the short nap she had enjoyed in the rocking chair. it was such a novel experience for her to sit idle, that despite the attractions of growing things, running water, and singing birds, she soon veered to thoughts of what she would be doing if she were at home, and that brought her to the fact that she was forbidden her father's house; so if she might not go there, she was homeless. as she had known her father for nearly nineteen years, for she had a birth anniversary coming in a few days, she felt positive that he never would voluntarily see her again, while with his constitution, he would live for years. she might as well face the fact that she was homeless; and prepare to pay her way all the year round. she wondered why she felt so forlorn and what made the dull ache in her throat. she remembered telling nancy ellen before going away to normal that she wished her father would drive her from home. now that was accomplished. she was away from home, in a place where there was not one familiar face, object, or plan of life, but she did not wish for it at all. she devoutly wished that she were back at home even if she were preparing supper, in order that nancy ellen might hem towels. she wondered what they were saying: her mind was crystal clear as to what they were doing. she wondered if nancy ellen would send adam, 3d, with a parcel of cut-out sewing for her to work on. she resolved to sew quickly and with stitches of machine-like evenness, if it came. she wondered if nancy ellen would be compelled to put off her wedding and teach the home school in order that it might be taught by a bates, as her father had demanded. she wondered if nancy ellen was forced to this uncongenial task, whether it would sour the wonderful sweetness developed by her courtship, and make her so provoked that she would not write or have anything to do with her. they were nearly the same age; they had shared rooms, and, until recently, beds, and whatever life brought them; now kate lifted her head and ran her hand against her throat to ease the ache gathering there more intensely every minute. with eyes that did not see, she sat staring at the sheer walls of the ravine as it ran toward the east, where the water came tumbling and leaping down over stones and shale bed. when at last she arose she had learned one lesson, not in the history she carried. no matter what its disadvantages are, having a home of any kind is vastly preferable to having none. and the casualness of people so driven by the demands of living and money making that they do not take time even to be slightly courteous and kind, no matter how objectionable it may be, still that, even that, is better than their active displeasure. so she sat brooding and going over and over the summer, arguing her side of the case, honestly trying to see theirs, until she was mentally exhausted and still had accomplished nothing further than arriving at the conclusion that if nancy ellen was forced to postpone her wedding she would turn against her and influence robert gray in the same feeling. then kate thought of him. she capitalized him in her thought, for after nineteen years of bates men robert gray would seem a deified creature to their women. she reviewed the scene at the crossing log, while her face flushed with pleasure. if she had remained at home and had gone after the blackberries, as it was sure as fate that she would have done, then she would have met him first, and he would have courted her instead of nancy ellen. suddenly kate shook herself savagely and sat straight. "why, you big fool!" she said. "nancy ellen went to the berry patch in a pink dress, wearing a sunbonnet to match, and carrying a blue bowl. think of the picture she made! but if i had gone, i'd have been in a ragged old dirt-coloured gingham, father's boots, and his old straw hat jammed down to my ears; i'd have been hot and in a surly temper, rebelling because i had the berries to pick. he would have taken one look at me, jumped the fence, and run to lang's for dear life. better cut that idea right out!" so kate "cut that idea out" at once, but the operation was painful, because when one turns mental surgeon and operates on the ugly spots in one's disposition, there is no anaesthetic, nor is the work done with skilful hands, so the wounds are numerous and leave ugly scars; but kate was ruthless. she resolved never to think of that brook scene again. in life, as she had lived it, she would not have profited by having been first at the berry patch. yet she had a right to think of robert gray's face, grave in concern for her, his offers to help, the influence he would have in her favour with nancy ellen. of course if he was forced to postpone his wedding he would not be pleased; but it was impossible that the fears which were tormenting nancy ellen would materialize into action on his part. no sane man loved a woman as beautiful as her sister and cast her aside because of a few months' enforced waiting, the cause of which he so very well knew; but it would make both of them unhappy and change their beautiful plans, after he even had found and purchased the house. still nancy ellen said that her father was making it a point of honour that a bates should teach the school, because he had signed the contract for kate to take the place nancy ellen had intended to fill, and then changed her plans. he had sworn that a bates should teach the school. well, hiram had taken the county examination, as all pupils of the past ten years had when they finished the country schools. it was a test required to prove whether they had done their work well. hiram held a certificate for a year, given him by the county superintendent, when he passed the examinations. he had never used it. he could teach; he was nancy ellen's twin. school did not begin until the first of november. he could hire help with his corn if he could not finish alone. he could arise earlier than usual and do his feeding and milking; he could clean the stables, haul wood on saturday and sunday, if he must, for the bates family looked on sunday more as a day of rest for the horses and physical man than as one of religious observances. they always worked if there was anything to be gained by it. six months being the term, he would be free by the first of may; surely the money would be an attraction, while nancy ellen could coach him on any new methods she had learned at normal. kate sprang to her feet, ran across the street, and entering the hall, hurried to her room. she found mrs. holt there in the act of closing her closet door. kate looked at her with astonished eyes. "i was just telling my son," mrs. holt said rather breathlessly, "that i would take a peep and see if i had forgot to put your extra covers on the shelf." kate threw her book on the bed and walked to the table. she had experienced her share of battle for the day. "no children to rummage," passed through her brain. it was the final week of hot, dry august weather, while a point had been made of calling her attention to the extra cover when the room had been shown her. she might have said these things, but why say them? the shamed face of the woman convicted her of "rummaging," as she had termed it. without a word kate sat down beside the table, drew her writing material before her, and began addressing an envelope to her brother hiram. mrs. holt left the room, disliking kate more than if she had said what the woman knew she thought. kate wrote briefly, convincingly, covering every objection and every advantage she could conceive, and then she added the strongest plea she could make. what hiram would do, she had no idea. as with all bates men, land was his god, but it required money to improve it. he would feel timid about making a first attempt to teach after he was married and a father of a child, but nancy ellen's marriage would furnish plausible excuse; all of the family had done their school work as perfectly as all work they undertook; he could teach if he wanted to; would he want to? if he did, at least, she would be sure of the continued friendship of her sister and robert gray. suddenly kate understood what that meant to her as she had not realized before. she was making long strides toward understanding herself, which is the most important feature of any life. she sent a line of pleading to her sister-in-law, a word of love to the baby, and finishing her letter, started to post it, as she remembered the office was only a few steps down the street. in the hall it occurred to her that she was the "teacher" now, and so should be an example. possibly the women of walden did not run bareheaded down the street on errands. she laid the letter on a small shelf of an old hatrack, and stepped back to her room to put on her hat. her return was so immediate that mrs. holt had the letter in her fingers when kate came back, and was reading the address so intently, that with extended hand, the girl said in cold tones: "my letter, please!" before the woman realized she was there. their eyes met in a level look. mrs. holt's mouth opened in ready excuse, but this time kate's temper overcame her better judgment. "can you read it clearly, without your glasses?" she asked politely. "i wouldn't for the world have you make a mistake as to whom my letter is addressed. it goes to my brother hiram bates, youngest son of adam bates, bates corners, hartley, indiana." "i was going to give it to my son, so that he could take it to the office," said mrs. holt. "and i am going to take it myself, as i know your son is down town and i want it to go over on the evening hack, so it will be sure to go out early in the morning." surprise overcame mrs. holt's discomfiture. "land sakes!" she cried. "bates is such a common name it didn't mean a thing to me. be you a daughter of adam bates, the land king, of bates corners?" "i be," said kate tersely. "well, i never! all them hundreds of acres of land an' money in the bank an' mortgages on half his neighbours. whut the nation! an' no more of better clo's an' you got! an' teachin' school! i never heard of the like in all my days!" "if you have bates history down so fine, you should know that every girl of the entire bates family has taught from the time she finished school until she married. also we never buy more clothing than we need, or of the kind not suitable for our work. this may explain why we own some land and have a few cents in the bank. my letter, please." kate turned and went down the street, a dull red tingeing her face. "i could hate that woman cordially without half trying," she said. the house was filled with the odour of cooking food when she returned and soon she was called to supper. as she went to the chair indicated for her, a step was heard in the hall. kate remained standing and when a young man entered the room mrs. holt at once introduced her son, george. he did not take the trouble to step around the table and shake hands, but muttered a gruff "howdy do?" and seating himself, at once picked up the nearest dish and began filling his plate. his mother would have had matters otherwise. "why, george," she chided. "what's your hurry? why don't you brush up and wait on miss bates first?" "oh, if she is going to be one of the family," he said, "she will have to learn to get on without much polly-foxing. grub is to eat. we can all reach at a table of this size." kate looked at george holt with a searching glance. surely he was almost thirty, of average height, appeared strong, and as if he might have a forceful brain; but he was loosely jointed and there was a trace of domineering selfishness on his face that was repulsive to her. "i could hate that man cordially, without half trying," she thought to herself, smiling faintly at the thought. the sharp eyes of mrs. holt detected the smile. she probably would have noticed it, if kate had merely thought of smiling. "why do you smile, my dear?" she asked in melting tone. "oh, i was feeling so at home," answered kate, suavely. "father and the boys hold exactly those opinions and practise them in precisely the same way; only if i were to think about it at all, i should think that a man within a year of finishing a medical course would begin exercising politeness with every woman he meets. i believe a doctor depends on women to be most of his patients, and women don't like a rude doctor." "rot!" said george holt. "miss bates is exactly right," said his mother. "ain't i been tellin' you the whole endurin' time that you'd never get a call unless you practised manners as well as medicine? ain't i, now?" "yes, you have," he said, angrily. "but if you think all of a sudden that manners are so essential, why didn't you hammer some into me when you had the whip hand and could do what you pleased? you didn't find any fault with my manners, then." "how of all the world was i to know that you'd grow up and go in for doctorin'? i s'pos'd then you'd take the farm an' run it like your pa did, stead of forcin' me to sell it off by inches to live, an' then you wastin' half the money." "go it, mother," said george holt, rudely. "tell all you know, and then piece out with anything you can think of that you don't." mrs. holt's face flushed crimson. she looked at kate and said vindictively: "if you want any comfort in life, never marry and bring a son inter the world. you kin humour him, and cook for him, an work your hands to the bone fur him, and sell your land, and spend all you can raise educatin' him for half a dozen things, an' him never stickin to none or payin' back a cent, but sass in your old age--" "go it, mother, you're doing fine!" said george. "if you keep on miss bates will want to change her boarding place before morning." "it will not be wholly your mother's fault, if i do," said kate. "i would suggest that if we can't speak civilly, we eat our supper in silence. this is very good food; i could enjoy it, if i had a chance." she helped herself to another soda biscuit and a second piece of fried chicken and calmly began eating them. "that's a good idy!" said mrs. holt. "then why don't you practice it?" said her son. thereupon began a childish battle for the last word. kate calmly arose, picked up her plate, walked from the room, down the hall, and entering her own room, closed the door quietly. "you fool! you great big dunderheaded fool!" cried mrs. holt. "now you have done it, for the thousandth time. she will start out in less than no time to find some place else to stay, an' who could blame her? don't you know who she is? ain't you sense in your head? if there was ever a girl you ort to go after, and go quick an' hard, there she is!" "what? that big beef! what for?" asked george. "you idjit! you idjit! don't you sense that she's a daughter of adam bates? him they call the land king. ain't you sense ner reason? drive her from the house, will you? an' me relyin' on sendin' you half her board money to help you out? you fool!" "why under the heavens didn't you tell me? how could i know? no danger but the bowl is upset, and it's all your fault. she should be worth ten thousand, maybe twenty!" "i never knew till jist before supper. i got it frum a letter she wrote to her brother. i'd no chanct to tell you. course i meant to, first chanct i had; but you go to work an upset everything before i get a chanct. you never did amount to anything, an' you never will." "oh, well, now stop that. i didn't know. i thought she was just common truck. i'll fix it up with her right after supper. now shut up." "you can't do it! it's gone too far. she'll leave the house inside fifteen minutes," said mrs. holt. "well, i'll just show you," he boasted. george holt pushed back his plate, wiped his mouth, brushed his teeth at the washing place on the back porch, and sauntered around the house to seat himself on the front porch steps. kate saw him there and remained in her room. when he had waited an hour he arose and tapped on her door. kate opened it. "miss bates," he said. "i have been doing penance an hour. i am very sorry i was such a boor. i was in earnest when i said i didn't get the gad when i needed it. i had a big disappointment to-day, and i came in sore and cross. i am ashamed of myself, but you will never see me that way again. i know i will make a failure of my profession if i don't be more polite than mother ever taught me to be. won't you let me be your scholar, too? please do come over to the ravine where it is cool and give me my first lesson. i need you dreadfully." kate was desperately in need of human companionship in that instant, herself, someone who could speak, and sin, and suffer, and repent. as she looked straight in the face of the man before her she saw, not him being rude and quarrelling pettily with his mother, but herself racing around the dining table pursued by her father raving like an insane man. who was she to judge or to refuse help when it was asked? she went with him; and mrs. holt, listening and peering from the side of the window blind of her room across the hall, watched them cross the road and sit beside each other on the bank of the ravine in what seemed polite and amicable conversation. so she heaved a deep sigh of relief and went to wash the dishes and plan breakfast. "better feed her up pretty well 'til she gits the habit of staying here and mebby the rest who take boarders will be full," she said to herself. "time enough to go at skimpin' when she's settled, and busy, an' i get the whip hand." but in planning to get the "whip hand" mrs. holt reckoned without kate. she had been under the whip hand all her life. her dash to freedom had not been accomplished without both mental and physical hurt. she was doing nothing but going over her past life minutely, and as she realized more fully with each review how barren and unlovely it had been, all the strength and fresh young pride in her arose in imperative demand for something better in the future. she listened with interest to what george holt said to her. all her life she had been driven by a man of inflexible will, his very soul inoculated with greed for possessions which would give him power; his body endowed with unfailing strength to meet the demands he made on it, and his heart wholly lacking in sentiment; but she did not propose to start her new life by speaking of her family to strangers. george holt's experiences had been those of a son spoiled by a weak woman, one day petted, the next bribed, the next nagged, again left to his own devices for days, with strong inherited tendencies to be fought, tendencies to what he did not say. looking at his heavy jaw and swarthy face, kate supplied "temper" and "not much inclination to work." he had asked her to teach him, she would begin by setting him an example in the dignity of self-control; then she would make him work. how she would make that big, strong man work! as she sat there on the bank of the ravine, with a background of delicately leafed bushes and the light of the setting sun on her face and her hair, george holt studied her closely, mentally and physically, and would have given all he possessed if he had not been so hasty. he saw that she had a good brain and courage to follow her convictions, while on closer study he decided that she was moulded on the finest physical lines of any woman he ever had seen, also his study of medicine taught him to recognize glowing health, and to set a right estimate on it. truly he was sorry, to the bottom of his soul, but he did not believe in being too humble. he said as much in apology as he felt forced, and then set himself the task of calling out and parading the level best he could think up concerning himself, or life in general. he had tried farming, teaching, merchandise, and law before he had decided his vocation was medicine. on account of robert gray, kate was much interested in this, but when she asked what college he was attending, he said he was going to a school in chicago that was preparing to revolutionize the world of medicine. then he started on a hobby that he had ridden for months, paying for the privilege, so kate learned with surprise and no small dismay that in a few months a man could take a course in medicine that would enable him "to cure any ill to which the human flesh is heir," as he expressed it, without knowing anything of surgery, or drugs, or using either. kate was amazed and said so at once. she disconcertingly inquired what he would do with patients who had sustained fractured skulls, developed cancers, or been exposed to smallpox. but the man before her proposed to deal with none of those disagreeable things, or their like. he was going to make fame and fortune in the world by treating mental and muscular troubles. he was going to be a zonoletic doctor. he turned teacher and spelled it for her, because she never had heard the word. kate looked at george holt long and with intense interest, while her mind was busy with new thoughts. on her pillow that night she decided that if she were a man, driven by a desire to heal the suffering of the world, she would be the man who took the long exhaustive course of training that enabled him to deal with accidents, contagions, and germ developments. he looked at her with keen appreciation of her physical freshness and mental strength, and manoeuvred patiently toward the point where he would dare ask blankly how many there were in her family, and on exactly how many acres her father paid tax. he decided it would not do for at least a week yet; possibly he could raise the subject casually with someone down town who would know, so that he need never ask her at all. whatever the answer might be, it was definitely settled in his own mind that kate was the best chance he had ever had, or probably ever would have. he mapped out his campaign. this week, before he must go, he would be her pupil and her slave. the holiday week he would be her lover. in the spring he would propose, and in the fall he would marry her, and live on the income from her land ever afterward. it was a glowing prospect; so glowing that he seriously considered stopping school at once so that her could be at the courting part of his campaign three times a day and every evening. he was afraid to leave for fear people of the village would tell the truth about him. he again studied kate carefully and decided that during the week that was coming, by deft and energetic work he could so win her approval that he could make her think that she knew him better than outsiders did. so the siege began. kate had decided to try making him work, to see if he would, or was accustomed to it. he was sufficiently accustomed to it that he could do whatever she suggested with facility that indicated practice, and there was no question of his willingness. he urged her to make suggestions as to what else he could do, after he had made all the needed repairs about the house and premises. kate was enjoying herself immensely, before the week was over. she had another row of wood corded to the shed roof, in case the winter should be severe. she had the stove she thought would warm her room polished and set up while he was there to do it. she had the back porch mended and the loose board in the front walk replaced. she borrowed buckets and cloths and impressed george holt for the cleaning of the school building which she superintended. before the week was over she had every child of school age who came to the building to see what was going on, scouring out desks, blacking stoves, raking the yard, even cleaning the street before the building. across the street from his home george sawed the dead wood from the trees and then, with three days to spare, kate turned her attention to the ravine. she thought that probably she could teach better there in the spring than in the school building. she and george talked it over. he raised all the objections he could think of that the townspeople would, while entirely agreeing with her himself, but it was of no use. she over-ruled the proxy objections he so kindly offered her, so he was obliged to drag his tired body up the trees on both banks for several hundred yards and drop the dead wood. kate marshalled a corps of boys who would be her older pupils and they dragged out the dry branches, saved all that were suitable for firewood, and made bonfires from the remainder. they raked the tin cans and town refuse of years from the water and banks and induced the village delivery man to haul the stuff to the river bridge and dump it in the deepest place in the stream. they cleaned the creek bank to the water's edge and built rustic seats down the sides. they even rolled boulders to the bed and set them where the water would show their markings and beat itself to foam against them. mrs. holt looked on in breathless amazement and privately expressed to her son her opinion of him in terse and vigorous language. he answered laconically: "has a fish got much to say about what happens to it after you get it out of the water?" "no!" snapped mrs. holt, "and neither have you, if you kill yourself to get it." "do i look killed?" inquired her son. "no. you look the most like a real man i ever saw you," she conceded. "and kate bates won't need glasses for forty years yet," he said as he went back to his work in the ravine. kate was in the middle of the creek helping plant a big stone. he stood a second watching her as she told the boys surrounding her how best to help her, then he turned away, a dull red burning his cheek. "i'll have her if i die for it," he muttered, "but i hope to heaven she doesn't think i am going to work like this for her every day of my life." as the villagers sauntered past and watched the work of the new teacher, many of them thought of things at home they could do that would improve their premises greatly, and a few went home and began work of like nature. that made their neighbours' places look so unkempt that they were forced to trim, and rake, and mend in turn, so by the time the school began, the whole village was busy in a crusade that extended to streets and alleys, while the new teacher was the most popular person who had ever been there. without having heard of such a thing, kate had started civic improvement. george holt leaned against a tree trunk and looked down at her as he rested. "do you suppose there is such a thing as ever making anything out of this?" he asked. "a perfectly lovely public park for the village, yes; money, selling it for anything, no! it's too narrow a strip, cut too deeply with the water, the banks too steep. commercially, i can't see that it is worth ten cents." "cheering! it is the only thing on earth that truly and wholly belongs to me. the road divided the land. father willed everything on the south side to mother, so she would have the house, and the land on this side was mine. i sold off all i could to jasper linn to add to his farm, but he would only buy to within about twenty rods of the ravine. the land was too rocky and poor. so about half a mile of this comprises my earthly possessions." "do you keep up the taxes?" she asked. "no. i've never paid them," he said carelessly. "then don't be too sure it is yours," she said. "someone may have paid them and taken the land. you had better look it up." "what for?" he demanded. "it is beautiful. it is the shadiest, coolest place in town. having it here doubles the value of your mother's house across the street. in some way, some day, it might turn out to be worth something." "i can't see how," he said. "some of the trees may become valuable when lumber gets scarcer, as it will when the land grows older. maybe a stone quarry could be opened up, if the stone runs back as far as you say. a lot of things might make it valuable. if i were you i would go to hartley, quietly, to-morrow, and examine the records, and if there are back taxes i'd pay them." "i'll look it up, anyway," he agreed. "you surely have made another place of it. it will be wonderful by spring." "i can think of many uses for it," said kate. "here comes your mother to see how we are getting along." instead, she came to hand kate a letter she had brought from the post office while doing her marketing. kate took the letter, saw at a glance that it was from nancy ellen, and excusing herself, she went to one of the seats they had made, and turning her face so that it could not be seen, she read: dear kate: you can prepare yourself for the surprise of your life. two bates men have done something for one of their women. i hope you will survive the shock; it almost finished me and mother is still speechless. i won't try to prepare you. i could not. here it is. father raged for three days and we got out of his way like scared rabbits. i saw i had to teach, so i said i would, but i had not told robert, because i couldn't bear to. then up came hiram and offered to take the school for me. father said no, i couldn't get out of it that way. hiram said i had not seen him or sent him any word, and i could prove by mother i hadn't been away from the house, so father believed him. he said he wanted the money to add two acres to his land from the simms place; that would let his stock down to water on the far side of his land where it would be a great convenience and give him a better arrangement of fields so he could make more money. you know father. he shut up like a clam and only said: "do what you please. if a bates teaches the school it makes my word good." so hiram is going to teach for me. he is brushing up a little nights and i am helping him on "theory," and i am wild with joy, and so is robert. i shall have plenty of time to do all my sewing and we shall be married at, or after, christmas. robert says to tell you to come to see him if you ever come to hartley. he is there in his office now and it is lonesome, but i am busy and the time will soon pass. i might as well tell you that father said right after you left that you should never enter his house again, and mother and i should not speak your name before him. i do hope he gets over it before the wedding. write me how you like your school, and where you board. maybe robert and i can slip off and drive over to see you some day. but that would make father so mad if he found out that he would not give me the money he promised; so we had better not, but you come to see us as soon as we get in our home. love from both, nancy ellen. kate read the joyful letter slowly. it contained all she hoped for. she had not postponed nancy ellen's wedding. that was all she asked. she had known she would not be forgiven so soon, there was slight hope she ever would. her only chance, thought kate, lay in marrying a farmer having about a thousand acres of land. if she could do that, her father would let her come home again sometime. she read the letter slowly over, then tearing it in long strips she cross tore them and sifted the handful of small bits on the water, where they started a dashing journey toward the river. mrs. holt, narrowly watching her, turned with snaky gleaming eyes to her son and whispered: "a-ha! miss smart alec has a secret!" chapter vii helping nancy ellen and robert to establish a home the remainder of the time before leaving, george holt spent in the very strongest mental and physical effort to show kate how much of a man he was. he succeeded in what he hoped he might do. he so influenced her in his favour that during the coming year whenever any one showed signs of criticising him, kate stopped them by commendation, based upon what she supposed to be knowledge of him. with the schoolhouse and grounds cleaned as they never had been before, the parents and pupils naturally expected new methods. during the week spent in becoming acquainted with the teacher, the parents heartily endorsed her, while the pupils liked her cordially. it could be seen at a glance that she could pick up the brawniest of them, and drop him from the window, if she chose. the days at the stream had taught them her physical strength, while at the same time they had glimpses of her mental processes. the boys learned many things: that they must not lie or take anything which did not belong to them; that they must be considerate and manly, if they were to be her friends; yet not one word had been said on any of these subjects. as she spoke to them, they answered her, and soon spoke in the same way to each other. she was very careful about each statement she made, often adducing convenient proof, so they saw that she was always right, and never exaggerated. the first hour of this made the boys think, the second they imitated, the third they instantly obeyed. she started in to interest and educate these children; she sent them home to investigate more subjects the first day than they had ever carried home in any previous month. boys suddenly began asking their fathers about business; girls questioned their mothers about marketing and housekeeping. the week of christmas vacation was going to be the hardest; everyone expected the teacher to go home for the holidays. many of them knew that her sister was marrying the new doctor of hartley. when kate was wondering how she could possibly conceal the rupture with her family, robert gray drove into walden and found her at the schoolhouse. she was so delighted to see him that she made no attempt to conceal her joy. he had driven her way for exercise and to pay her a call. when he realized from her greeting how she had felt the separation from her family, he had an idea that he at once propounded: "kate, i have come to ask a favour of you," he said. "granted!" laughed kate. "whatever can it be?" "just this! i want you to pack a few clothes, drive to hartley with me and do what you can to straighten out the house, so there won't be such confusion when nancy ellen gets there." kate stared at him in a happy daze. "oh, you blessed robert gray! what a heavenly idea!" she cried. "of course it wouldn't be possible for me to fix nancy ellen's house the way she would, but i could put everything where it belonged, i could arrange well enough, and i could have a supper ready, so that you could come straight home." "then you will do it?" he asked. "do it?" cried kate. "do it! why, i would be willing to pay you for the chance to do it. how do you think i'm to explain my not going home for the holidays, and to my sister's wedding, and retain my self-respect before my patrons?" "i didn't think of it in that way," he said. "i'm crazy," said kate. "take me quickly! how far along are you?" "house cleaned, blinds up, stoves all in, coal and wood, cellar stocked, carpets down, and furniture all there, but not unwrapped or in place. dishes delivered but not washed; cooking utensils there, but not cleaned." "enough said," laughed kate. "you go marry nancy ellen. i shall have the house warm, arranged so you can live in it, and the first meal ready when you come. does nancy ellen know you are here?" "no. i have enough country practice that i need a horse; i'm trying this one. i think of you often so i thought i'd drive out. how are you making it, kate?" "just fine, so far as the school goes. i don't particularly like the woman i board with. her son is some better, yes, he is much better. and robert, what is a zonoletic doctor?" "a poor fool, too lazy to be a real doctor, with no conscience about taking people's money for nothing," he said. "as bad as that?" asked kate. "worse! why?" he said. "oh, i only wondered," said kate. "now i am ready, here; but i must run to the house where i board a minute. it's only a step. you watch where i go, and drive down." she entered the house quietly and going back to the kitchen she said: "the folks have come for me, mrs. holt. i don't know exactly when i shall be back, but in plenty of time to start school. if george goes before i return, tell him 'merry christmas,' for me." "he'll be most disappointed to death," said mrs. holt. "i don't see why he should," said kate, calmly. "you never have had the teacher here at christmas." "we never had a teacher that i wanted before," said mrs. holt; while kate turned to avoid seeing the woman's face as she perjured herself. "you're like one of the family, george is crazy about you. he wrote me to be sure to keep you. couldn't you possibly stay over sunday?" "no, i couldn't," said kate. "who came after you?" asked mrs. holt. "dr. gray," answered kate. "that new doctor at hartley? why, be you an' him friends?" mrs. holt had followed down the hall, eagerly waiting in the doorway. kate glanced at her and felt sudden pity. the woman was warped. everything in her life had gone wrong. possibly she could not avoid being the disagreeable person she was. kate smiled at her. "worse than that," she said. "we be relations in a few days. he's going to marry my sister nancy ellen next tuesday." kate understood the indistinct gurgle she heard to be approving, so she added: "he came after me early so i could go to hartley and help get their new house ready for them to live in after the ceremony." "did your father give them the house?" asked mrs. holt eagerly. "no. dr. gray bought his home," said kate. "how nice! what did your father give them?" kate's patience was exhausted. "you'll have to wait until i come back," she said. "i haven't the gift of telling about things before they have happened." then she picked up her telescope and saying "good-bye," left the house. as they drove toward hartley: "i'm anxious to see your house," said kate. "did you find one in a good neighbourhood?" "the very best, i think," said the doctor. "that is all one could offer nancy ellen." "i'm so glad for her! and i'm glad for you, too! she'll make you a beautiful wife in every way. she's a good cook, she knows how to economize, and she's too pretty for words, if she is my sister." "i heartily agree with you," said the doctor. "but i notice you put the cook first and the beauty last." "you will, too, before you get through with it," answered kate. "here we are!" said he, soon after they entered hartley. "i'll drive around the block, so you can form an idea of the location." kate admired every house in the block, the streets and trees, the one house robert gray had selected in every particular. they went inside and built fires, had lunch together at the hotel, and then kate rolled up her sleeves and with a few yards of cheese-cloth for a duster, began unwrapping furniture and standing it in the room where it belonged. robert moved the heavy pieces, then he left to call on a patient and spend the evening with nancy ellen. so kate spent several happy days setting nancy ellen's new home in order. from basement to garret she had it immaculate and shining. no bates girl, not even agatha, ever had gone into a home having so many comforts and conveniences. kate felt lonely the day she knew her home was overcrowded with all their big family; she sat very still thinking of them during the hour of the ceremony; she began preparing supper almost immediately, because robert had promised her that he would not eat any more of the wedding feast than he could help, and he would bring nancy ellen as soon afterward as possible. kate saw them drive to the gate and come up the walk together. as they entered the door nancy ellen was saying: "why, how does the house come to be all lighted up? seems to me i smell things to eat. well, if the table isn't all set!" there was a pause and then nancy ellen's clear voice called: "kate! kate! where are you? nobody else would be this nice to me. you dear girl, where are you?" "i'll get to stay until i go back to school!" was kate's mental comment as she ran to clasp nancy ellen in her arms, while they laughed and very nearly cried together, so that the doctor felt it incumbent upon him to hug both of them. shortly afterward he said: "there is a fine show in town to-night, and i have three tickets. let's all go." "let's eat before we go," said nancy ellen, "i haven't had time to eat a square meal for a week and things smell deliciously." they finished their supper leisurely, stacked the dishes and went to the theatre, where they saw a fair performance of a good play, which was to both of the girls a great treat. when they returned home, kate left nancy ellen and robert to gloat over the carpets they had selected, as they appeared on their floors, to arrange the furniture and re-examine their wedding gifts; while she slipped into the kitchen and began washing the dishes and planning what she would have for breakfast. but soon they came to her and nancy ellen insisted on wiping the dishes, while robert carried them to the cupboard. afterward, they sat before their fireplace and talked over events since the sisters' separation. nancy ellen told about getting ready for her wedding, life at home, the school, the news of the family; the kate drew a perfect picture of the walden school, her boarding place, mrs. holt, the ravine, the town and the people, with the exception of george holt--him she never mentioned. after robert had gone to his office the following morning, kate said to nancy ellen: "now i wish you would be perfectly frank with me--" "as if i could be anything else!" laughed the bride. "all right, then," said kate. "what i want is this: that these days shall always come back to you in memory as nearly perfect as possible. now if my being here helps ever so little, i like to stay, and i'll be glad to cook and wash dishes, while you fix your house to suit you. but if you'd rather be alone, i'll go back to walden and be satisfied and happy with the fine treat this has been. i can look everyone in the face now, talk about the wedding, and feel all right." nancy ellen said slowly: "i shan't spare you until barely time to reach your school monday morning. and i'm not keeping you to work for me, either! we'll do everything together, and then we'll plan how to make the house pretty, and go see robert in his office, and go shopping. i'll never forgive you if you go." "why, nancy ellen--!" said kate, then fled to the kitchen too happy to speak further. none of them ever forgot that week. it was such a happy time that all of them dreaded its end; but when it came they parted cheerfully, and each went back to work, the better for the happy reunion. kate did not return to walden until monday; then she found mrs. holt in an evil temper. kate could not understand it. she had no means of knowing that for a week george had nagged his mother unceasingly because kate was gone on his return, and would not be back until after time for him to go again. the only way for him to see her during the week he had planned to come out openly as her lover, was to try to find her at her home, or at her sister's. he did not feel that it would help him to go where he never had been asked. his only recourse was to miss a few days of school and do extra work to make it up; but he detested nothing in life as he detested work, so the world's happy week had been to them one of constant sparring and unhappiness, for which mrs. holt blamed kate. her son had returned expecting to court kate bates strenuously; his disappointment was not lightened by his mother's constant nagging. monday forenoon she went to market, and came in gasping. "land sakes!" she cried as she panted down the hall. "i've got a good one on that impident huzzy now!" "you better keep your mouth shut, and not gossip about her," he said. "everyone likes her!" "no, they don't, for i hate her worse 'n snakes! if it wa'n't for her money i'd fix her so's 'at she'd never marry you in kingdom come." george holt clenched his big fist. "just you try it!" he threatened. "just you try that!" "you'll live to see the day you'd thank me if i did. she ain't been home. mind you, she ain't been home! she never seen her sister married at all! tilly nepple has a sister, living near the bates, who worked in the kitchen. she's visitin' at tilly's now. miss high-and-mighty never seen her sister married at all! an' it looked mighty queer, her comin' here a week ahead of time, in the fall. looks like she'd done somepin she don't dare go home. no wonder she tears every scrap of mail she gets to ribbons an' burns it. i told you she had a secret! if ever you'd listen to me." "why, you're crazy!" he exclaimed. "i did listen to you. what you told me was that i should go after her with all my might. so i did it. now you come with this. shut it up! don't let her get wind of it for the world!" "and tilly nepple's sister says old land king bates never give his daughter a cent, an' he never gives none of his girls a cent. it's up to the men they marry to take keer of them. the old skin-flint! what you want to do is to go long to your schoolin', if you reely are going to make somepin of yourself at last, an' let that big strap of a girl be, do--" "now, stop!" shouted george holt. "scenting another scandal, are you? don't you dare mar kate bates' standing, or her reputation in this town, or we'll have a time like we never had before. if old bates doesn't give his girls anything when they marry, they'll get more when he dies. and so far as money is concerned, this has gone past money with me. i'm going to marry kate bates, as soon as ever i can, and i've got to the place where i'd marry her if she hadn't a cent. if i can't take care of her, she can take care of me. i am crazy about her, an' i'm going to have her; so you keep still, an' do all you can to help me, or you'll regret it." "it's you that will regret it!" she said. "stop your nagging, i tell you, or i'll come at you in a way you won't like," he cried. "you do that every day you're here," said mrs. holt, starting to the kitchen to begin dinner. kate appeared in half an hour, fresh and rosy, also prepared; for one of her little pupils had said: "tilly nepple's sister say you wasn't at your sister's wedding at all. did you cry 'cause you couldn't go?" instantly kate comprehended what must be town gossip, so she gave the child a happy solution of the question bothering her, and went to her boarding house forewarned. she greeted both mrs. holt and her son cordially, then sat down to dinner, in the best of spirits. the instant her chance came, mrs. holt said: "now tell us all about the lovely wedding." "but i wasn't managing the wedding," said kate cheerfully. "i was on the infare job. mother and nancy ellen put the wedding through. you know our house isn't very large, and close relatives fill it to bursting. i've seen the same kind of wedding about every eighteen months all my life. i had a new job this time, and one i liked better." she turned to george: "of course your mother told you that dr. gray came after me. he came to ask me as an especial favour to go to his new house in hartley, and do what i could to arrange it, and to have a supper ready. i was glad. i'd seen six weddings that i can remember, all exactly alike--there's nothing to them; but brushing those new carpets, unwrapping nice furniture and placing it, washing pretty new dishes, untying the loveliest gifts and arranging them--that was something new in a bates wedding. oh, but i had a splendid time!" george holt looked at his mother in too great disgust to conceal his feelings. "another gilt-edged scandal gone sky high," he said. then he turned to kate. "one of the women who worked in your mother's kitchen is visiting here, and she started a great hullabaloo because you were not at the wedding. you probably haven't got a leg left to stand on. i suspect the old cats of walden have chewed them both off, and all the while you were happy, and doing the thing any girl would much rather have done. lord, i hate this eternal picking! how did you come back, kate?" "dr. gray brought me." "i should think it would have made talk, your staying there with him," commented mrs. holt. "fortunately, the people of hartley seem reasonably busy attending their own affairs," said kate. "doctor gray had been boarding at the hotel all fall, so he just went on living there until after the wedding." george glared at his mother, but she avoided his eyes, and laughing in a silly, half-confused manner she said: "how much money did your father give the bride?" "i can't tell you, in even dollars and cents," said kate. "nancy ellen didn't say." kate saw the movement of george's foot under the table, and knew that he was trying to make his mother stop asking questions; so she began talking to him about his work. as soon as the meal was finished he walked with her to school, visiting until the session began. he remained three days, and before he left he told kate he loved her, and asked her to be his wife. she looked at him in surprise and said: "why, i never thought of such a thing! how long have you been thinking about it?" "since the first instant i saw you!" he declared with fervour. "hum! matter of months," said kate. "well, when i have had that much time, i will tell you what i think about it." chapter viii the history of a leghorn hat kate finished her school in the spring, then went for a visit with nancy ellen and robert, before george holt returned. she was thankful to leave walden without having seen him, for she had decided, without giving the matter much thought, that he was not the man she wanted to marry. in her heart she regretted having previously contracted for the walden school another winter because she felt certain that with the influence of dr. gray, she could now secure a position in hartley that would enable her either to live with, or to be near, her sister. with this thought in mind, she tried to make the acquaintance of teachers in the school who lived in hartley and she soon became rather intimate with one of them. it was while visiting with this teacher that kate spoke of attending normal again in an effort to prepare herself still better for the work of the coming year. her new friend advised against it. she said the course would be only the same thing over again, with so little change or advancement, that the trip was not worth the time and money it would cost. she proposed that kate go to lake chautauqua and take the teachers' course, where all spare time could be put in attending lectures, and concerts, and studying the recently devised methods of education. kate went from her to nancy ellen and robert, determined at heart to go. she was pleased when they strongly advised her to, and offered to help her get ready. aside from having paid agatha, and for her board, kate had spent almost nothing on herself. she figured the probable expenses of the trip for a month, what it would cost her to live until school began again, if she were forced to go to walden, and then spent all her remaining funds on the prettiest clothing she had ever owned. each of the sisters knew how to buy carefully; then the added advantage of being able to cut and make their own clothes, made money go twice as far as where a dressmaker had to be employed. when everything they had planned was purchased, neatly made, and packed in a trunk, into which nancy ellen slipped some of her prettiest belongings, kate made a trip to a milliner's shop to purchase her first real hat. she had decided on a big, wide-brimmed leghorn, far from cheap. while she was trying the effect of flowers and ribbon on it, the wily milliner slipped up and with the hat on kate's golden crown, looped in front a bow of wide black velvet ribbon and drooped over the brim a long, exquisitely curling ostrich plume. kate had one good view of herself, before she turned her back on the temptation. "you look lovely in that," said the milliner. "don't you like it?" "i certainly do," said kate. "i look the best in that hat, with the black velvet and the plume, i ever did, but there's no use to look twice, i can't afford it." "oh, but it is very reasonable! we haven't a finer hat in the store, nor a better plume," said the milliner. she slowly waved it in all its glory before kate's beauty-hungry eyes. kate turned so she could not see it. "please excuse one question. are you teaching in walden this winter?" asked the milliner. "yes," said kate. "i have signed the contract for that school." "then charge the hat and pay for it in september. i'd rather wait for my money than see you fail to spend the summer under that plume. it really is lovely against your gold hair." "'get thee behind me, satan,'" quoted kate. "no. i never had anything charged, and never expect to. please have the black velvet put on and let me try it with the bows set and sewed." "all right," said the milliner, "but i'm sorry." she was so sorry that she carried the plume to the work room, and when she walked up behind kate, who sat waiting before the mirror, and carefully set the hat on her head, at exactly the right angle, the long plume crept down one side and drooped across the girl's shoulder. "i will reduce it a dollar more," she said, "and send the bill to you at walden the last week of september." kate moved her head from side to side, lifted and dropped her chin. then she turned to the milliner. "you should be killed!" she said. the woman reached for a hat box. "no, i shouldn't!" she said. "waiting that long, i'll not make much on the hat, but i'll make a good friend who will come again, and bring her friends. what is your name, please?" kate took one look at herself--smooth pink cheeks, gray eyes, gold hair, the sweeping wide brim, the trailing plume. "miss katherine eleanor bates," she said. "bates corners, hartley, indiana. please call my carriage?" the milliner laughed heartily. "that's the spirit of '76," she commended. "i'd be willing to wager something worth while that this very hat brings you the carriage before fall, if you show yourself in it in the right place. it's a perfectly stunning hat. shall i send it, or will you wear it?" kate looked in the mirror again. "you may put a fresh blue band on the sailor i was wearing, and send that to dr. gray's when it is finished," she said. "and put in a fancy bow, for my throat, of the same velvet as the hat, please. i'll surely pay you the last week of september. and if you can think up an equally becoming hat for winter----" "you just bet i can, young lady," said the milliner to herself as kate walked down the street. from afar, kate saw nancy ellen on the veranda, so she walked slowly to let the effect sink in, but it seemed to make no impression until she looked up at nancy ellen's very feet and said: "well, how do you like it?" "good gracious!" cried nancy ellen. "i thought i was having a stylish caller. i didn't know you! why, i never saw you walk that way before." "you wouldn't expect me to plod along as if i were plowing, with a thing like this on my head, would you?" "i wouldn't expect you to have a thing like that on your head; but since you have, i don't mind telling you that you are stunning in it," said nancy ellen. "better and better!" laughed kate, sitting down on the step. "the milliner said it was a stunning hat." "the goose!" said nancy ellen. "you become that hat, kate, quite as much as the hat becomes you." the following day, dressed in a linen suit of natural colour, with the black bow at her throat, the new hat in a bandbox, and the renewed sailor on her head, kate waved her farewells to nancy ellen and robert on the platform, then walked straight to the dressing room of the car, and changed the hats. nancy ellen had told her this was not the thing to do. she should travel in a plain untrimmed hat, and when the dust and heat of her journey were past, she should bathe, put on fresh clothing, and wear such a fancy hat only with her best frocks, in the afternoon. kate need not have been told that. right instincts and bates economy would have taught her the same thing, but she had a perverse streak in her nature. she had seen herself in the hat. the milliner, who knew enough of the world and human nature to know how to sell kate the hat, when she never intended to buy it, and knew she should not in the way she did, had said that before fall it would bring her a carriage, which put into bald terms meant a rich husband. now kate liked her school and she gave it her full attention; she had done, and still intended to keep on doing, first-class work in the future; but her school, or anything pertaining to it, was not worth mentioning beside nancy ellen's home, and the deep understanding and strong feeling that showed so plainly between her and robert gray. kate expected to marry by the time she was twenty or soon after; all bates girls had, most of them had married very well indeed. she frankly envied nancy ellen, while it never occurred to her that any one would criticise her for saying so. only one thing could happen to her that would surpass what had come to her sister. if only she could have a man like robert gray, and have him on a piece of land of their own. kate was a girl, but no man of the bates tribe ever was more deeply bitten by the lust for land. she was the true daughter of her father, in more than one way. if that very expensive hat was going to produce the man why not let it begin to work from the very start? if her man was somewhere, only waiting to see her, and the hat would help him to speedy recognition, why miss a change? she thought over the year, and while she deplored the estrangement from home, she knew that if she had to go back to one year ago, giving up the present and what it had brought and promised to bring, for a reconciliation with her father, she would not voluntarily return to the old driving, nagging, overwork, and skimping, missing every real comfort of life to buy land, in which she never would have any part. "you get your knocks 'taking the wings of morning,'" thought kate to herself, "but after all it is the only thing to do. nancy ellen says sally whistler is pleasing mother very well, why should i miss my chance and ruin my temper to stay at home and do the work done by a woman who can do nothing else?" kate moved her head slightly to feel if the big, beautiful hat that sat her braids so lightly was still there. "go to work, you beauty," thought kate. "do something better for me than george holt. i'll have him to fall back on if i can't do better; but i think i can. yes, i'm very sure i can! if you do your part, you lovely plume, i know i can!" toward noon the train ran into a violent summer storm. the sky grew black, the lightning flashed, the wind raved, the rain fell in gusts. the storm was at its height when kate quit watching it and arose, preoccupied with her first trip to a dining car, thinking about how little food she could order and yet avoid a hunger headache. the twisting whirlwind struck her face as she stepped from the day coach to go to the dining car. she threw back her head and sucked her lungs full of the pure, rain-chilled air. she was accustomed to being out in storms, she liked them. one second she paused to watch the gale sweeping the fields, the next a twitch at her hair caused her to throw up her hands and clutch wildly at nothing. she sprang to the step railing and leaned out in time to see her wonderful hat whirl against the corner of the car, hold there an instant with the pressure of the wind, then slide down, draw under, and drop across the rail, where passing wheels ground it to pulp. kate stood very still a second, then she reached up and tried to pat the disordered strands of hair into place. she turned and went back into the day coach, opened the bandbox, and put on the sailor. she resumed her old occupation of thinking things over. all the joy had vanished from the day and the trip. looking forward, it had seemed all right to defy custom and nancy ellen's advice, and do as she pleased. looking backward, she saw that she had made a fool of herself in the estimation of everyone in the car by not wearing the sailor, which was suitable for her journey, and would have made no such mark for a whirling wind. she found travelling even easier than any one had told her. each station was announced. when she alighted, there were conveyances to take her and her luggage to a hotel, patronized almost exclusively by teachers, near the schools and lecture halls. large front suites and rooms were out of the question for kate, but luckily a tiny corner room at the back of the building was empty and when kate specified how long she would remain, she secured it at a less figure than she had expected to pay. she began by almost starving herself at supper in order to save enough money to replace her hat with whatever she could find that would serve passably, and be cheap enough. that far she proceeded stoically; but when night settled and she stood in her dressing jacket brushing her hair, something gave way. kate dropped on her bed and cried into her pillow, as she never had cried before about anything. it was not all about the hat. while she was at it, she shed a few tears about every cruel thing that had happened to her since she could remember that she had borne tearlessly at the time. it was a deluge that left her breathless and exhausted. when she finally sat up, she found the room so close, she gently opened her door and peeped into the hall. there was a door opening on an outside veranda, running across the end of the building and the length of the front. as she looked from her door and listened intently, she heard the sound of a woman's voice in choking, stifled sobs, in the room having a door directly across the narrow hall from hers. "my lord! there's two of us!" said kate. she leaned closer, listening again, but when she heard a short groan mingled with the sobs, she immediately tapped on the door. instantly the sobs ceased and the room became still. kate put her lips to the crack and said in her off-hand way: "it's only a school-marm, rooming next you. if you're ill, could i get anything for you?" "will you please come in?" asked a muffled voice. kate turned the knob, and stepping inside, closed the door after her. she could dimly see her way to the dresser, where she found matches and lighted the gas. on the bed lay in a tumbled heap a tiny, elderly, dresden-china doll-woman. she was fully dressed, even to her wrap, bonnet, and gloves; one hand clutched her side, the other held a handkerchief to her lips. kate stood an instant under the light, studying the situation. the dark eyes in the narrow face looked appealingly at her. the woman tried to speak, but gasped for breath. kate saw that she had heart trouble. "the remedy! where is it?" she cried. the woman pointed to a purse on the dresser. kate opened it, took out a small bottle, and read the directions. in a second, she was holding a glass to the woman's lips; soon she was better. she looked at kate eagerly. "oh, please don't leave me," she gasped. "of course not!" said kate instantly. "i'll stay as long as you want me." she bent over the bed and gently drew the gloves from the frail hands. she untied and slipped off the bonnet. she hunted keys in the purse, opened a travelling bag, and found what she required. then slowly and carefully, she undressed the woman, helped her into a night robe, and stooping she lifted her into a chair until she opened the bed. after giving her time to rest, kate pulled down the white wavy hair and brushed it for the night. as she worked, she said a word of encouragement now and again; when she had done all she could see to do, she asked if there was more. the woman suddenly clung to her hand and began to sob wildly. kate knelt beside the bed, stroked the white hair, patted the shoulder she could reach, and talked very much as she would have to a little girl. "please don't cry," she begged. "it must be your heart; you'll surely make it worse." "i'm trying," said the woman, "but i've been scared sick. i most certainly would have died if you hadn't come to me and found the medicine. oh, that dreadful susette! how could she?" the clothing kate had removed from the woman had been of finest cloth and silk. her hands wore wonderful rings. a heavy purse was in her bag. everything she had was the finest that money could buy, while she seemed as if a rough wind never had touched her. she appeared so frail that kate feared to let her sleep without knowing where to locate her friends. "she should be punished for leaving you alone among strangers," said kate indignantly. "if i only could learn to mind john," sighed the little woman. "he never liked susette. but she was the very best maid i ever had. she was like a loving daughter, until all at once, on the train, among strangers, she flared out at me, and simply raved. oh, it was dreadful!" "and knowing you were subject to these attacks, she did the thing that would precipitate one, and then left you alone among strangers. how wicked! how cruel!" said kate in tense indignation. "john didn't want me to come. but i used to be a teacher, and i came here when this place was mostly woods, with my dear husband. then after he died, through the long years of poverty and struggle, i would read of the place and the wonderful meetings, but i could never afford to come. then when john began to work and made good so fast i was dizzy half the time with his successes, i didn't think about the place. but lately, since i've had everything else i could think of, something possessed me to come back here, and take a suite among the women and men who are teaching our young people so wonderfully; and to sail on the lake, and hear the lectures, and dream my youth over again. i think that was it most of all, to dream my youth over again, to try to relive the past." "there now, you have told me all about it," said kate, stroking the white forehead in an effort to produce drowsiness, "close your eyes and go to sleep." "i haven't even begun to tell you," said the woman perversely. "if i talked all night i couldn't tell you about john. how big he is, and how brave he is, and how smart he is, and how he is the equal of any business man in chicago, and soon, if he keeps on, he will be worth as much as some of them--more than any one of his age, who has had a lot of help instead of having his way to make alone, and a sick old mother to support besides. no, i couldn't tell you in a week half about john, and he didn't want me to come. if i would come, then he wanted me to wait a few days until he finished a deal so he could bring me, but the minute i thought of it i was determined to come; you know how you get." "i know how badly you want to do a thing you have set your heart on," admitted kate. "i had gone places with susette in perfect comfort. i think the trouble was that she tried from the first to attract john. about the time we started, he let her see plainly that all he wanted of her was to take care of me; she was pretty and smart, so it made her furious. she was pampered in everything, as no maid i ever had before. john is young yet, and i think he is very handsome, and he wouldn't pay any attention to her. you see when other boys were going to school and getting acquainted with girls by association, even when he was a little bit of a fellow in knee breeches, i had to let him sell papers, and then he got into a shop, and he invented a little thing, and then a bigger, and bigger yet, and then he went into stocks and things, and he doesn't know anything about girls, only about sick old women like me. he never saw what susette was up to. you do believe that i wasn't ugly to her, don't you?" "you couldn't be ugly if you tried," said kate. the woman suddenly began to sob again, this time slowly, as if her forces were almost spent. she looked to kate for the sympathy she craved and for the first time really saw her closely. "why, you dear girl," she cried. "your face is all tear stained. you've been crying, yourself." "roaring in a pillow," admitted kate. "but my dear, forgive me! i was so upset with that dreadful woman. forgive me for not having seen that you, too, are in trouble. won't you please tell me?" "of course," said kate. "i lost my new hat." "but, my dear! crying over a hat? when it is so easy to get another? how foolish!" said the woman. "yes, but you didn't see the hat," said kate. "and it will be far from easy to get another, with this one not paid for yet. i'm only one season removed from sunbonnets, so i never should have bought it at all." the woman moved in bed, and taking one of kate's long, crinkly braids, she drew the wealth of gold through her fingers repeatedly. "tell me about your hat," she said. so to humour this fragile woman, and to keep from thinking of her own trouble, kate told the story of her leghorn hat and ostrich plume, and many things besides, for she was not her usual terse self with her new friend who had to be soothed to forgetfulness. kate ended: "i was all wrong to buy such a hat in the first place. i couldn't afford it; it was foolish vanity. i'm not really good-looking; i shouldn't have flattered myself that i was. losing it before it was paid for was just good for me. never again will i be so foolish." "why, my dear, don't say such things or think them," chided the little woman. "you had as good a right to a becoming hat as any girl. now let me ask you one question, and then i'll try to sleep. you said you were a teacher. did you come here to attend the summer school for teachers?" "yes," said kate. "would it make any great difference to you if you missed a few days?" she asked. "not the least," said kate. "well, then, you won't be offended, will you, if i ask you to remain with me and take care of me until john comes? i could send him a message to-night that i am alone, and bring him by this time to-morrow; but i know he has business that will cause him to lose money should he leave, and i was so wilful about coming, i dread to prove him right so conclusively the very first day. that door opens into a room reserved for susette, if only you'd take it, and leave the door unclosed to-night, and if only you would stay with me until john comes i could well afford to pay you enough to lengthen your stay as long as you'd like; and it makes me so happy to be with such a fresh young creature. will you stay with me, my dear?" "i certainly will," said kate heartily. "if you'll only tell me what i should do; i'm not accustomed to rich ladies, you know." "i'm not myself," said the little woman, "but i do seem to take to being waited upon with the most remarkable facility!" chapter ix a sunbonnet girl with the first faint light of morning, kate slipped to the door to find her charge still sleeping soundly. it was eight o'clock when she heard a movement in the adjoining room and went again to the door. this time the woman was awake and smilingly waved to kate as she called: "good morning! come right in. i was wondering if you were regretting your hasty bargain." "not a bit of it!" laughed kate. "i am here waiting to be told what to do first. i forgot to tell you my name last night. it is kate bates. i'm from bates corners, hartley, indiana." the woman held out her hand. "i'm so very glad to meet you, miss bates," she said. "my name is mariette jardine. my home is in chicago." they shook hands, smiling at each other, and then kate said: "now, mrs. jardine, what shall i do for you first?" "i will be dressed, i think, and then you may bring up the manager until i have an understanding with him, and give him a message i want sent, and an order for our breakfast. i wonder if it wouldn't be nice to have it served on the corner of the veranda in front of our rooms, under the shade of that big tree." "i think that would be famous," said kate. they ate together under the spreading branches of a giant maple tree, where they could see into the nest of an oriole that brooded in a long purse of gray lint and white cotton cord. they could almost reach out and touch it. the breakfast was good, nicely served by a neat maid, evidently doing something so out of the ordinary that she was rather stunned; but she was a young person of some self-possession, for when she removed the tray, mrs. jardine thanked her and gave her a coin that brought a smiling: "thank you very much. if you want your dinner served here and will ask for jennie weeks, i'd like to wait on you again." "thank you," said mrs. jardine, "i shall remember that. i don't like changing waiters each meal. it gives them no chance to learn what i want or how i want it." then she and kate slowly walked the length of the veranda several times, while she pointed out parts of the grounds they could see that remained as she had known them formerly, and what were improvements. when mrs. jardine was tired, they returned to the room and she lay on the bed while they talked of many things; talked of things with which kate was familiar, and some concerning which she unhesitatingly asked questions until she felt informed. mrs. jardine was so dainty, so delicate, yet so full of life, so well informed, so keen mentally, that as she talked she kept kate chuckling most of the time. she talked of her home life, her travels, her friends, her son. she talked of politics, religion, and education; then she talked of her son again. she talked of social conditions, civic improvement, and woman's rights, then she came back to her son, until kate saw that he was the real interest in the world to her. the mental picture she drew of him was peculiar. one minute mrs. jardine spoke of him as a man among men, pushing, fighting, forcing matters to work to his will, so kate imagined him tall, broad, and brawny, indefatigable in his undertakings; the next, his mother was telling of such thoughtfulness, such kindness, such loving care that kate's mental picture shifted to a neat, exacting little man, purely effeminate as men ever can be; but whatever she thought, some right instinct prevented her from making a comment or asking a question. once she sat looking far across the beautiful lake with such an expression on her face that mrs. jardine said to her: "what are you thinking of, my dear?" kate said smilingly: "oh, i was thinking of what a wonderful school i shall teach this winter." "tell me what you mean," said mrs. jardine. "why, with even a month of this, i shall have riches stored for every day of the year," said kate. "none of my pupils ever saw a lake, that i know of. i shall tell them of this with its shining water, its rocky, shady, sandy shore lines; of the rowboats and steam-boats, and the people from all over the country. before i go back, i can tell them of wonderful lectures, concerts, educational demonstrations here. i shall get much from the experiences of other teachers. i shall delight my pupils with just you." "in what way?" asked mrs. jardine. "oh, i shall tell them of a dainty little woman who know everything. from you i shall teach my girls to be simple, wholesome, tender, and kind; to take the gifts of god thankfully, reverently, yet with self-respect. from you i can tell them what really fine fabrics are, and about laces, and linens. when the subjects arise, as they always do in teaching, i shall describe each ring you wear, each comb and pin, even the handkerchiefs you carry, and the bags you travel with. to teach means to educate, and it is a big task; but it is almost painfully interesting. each girl of my school shall go into life a gentler, daintier woman, more careful of her person and speech because of my having met you. isn't that a fine thought?" "why, you darling!" cried mrs. jardine. "life is always having lovely things in store for me. yesterday i thought susette's leaving me as she did was the most cruel thing that ever happened to me. to-day i get from it this lovely experience. if you are straight from sunbonnets, as you told me last night, where did you get these advanced ideas?" "if sunbonnets could speak, many of them would tell of surprising heads they have covered," laughed kate. "life deals with women much the same as with men. if we go back to where we start, history can prove to you that there are ten sunbonnets to one leghorn hat, in the high places of the world." "not to entertain me, but because i am interested, my dear, will you tell me about your particular sunbonnet?" asked mrs. jardine. kate sat staring across the blue lake with wide eyes, a queer smile twisting her lips. at last she said slowly: "well, then, my sunbonnet is in my trunk. i'm not so far away from it but that it still travels with me. it's blue chambray, made from pieces left from my first pretty dress. it is ruffled, and has white stitching. i made it myself. the head that it fits is another matter. i didn't make that, or its environment, or what was taught it, until it was of age, and had worked out its legal time of service to pay for having been a head at all. but my head is now free, in my own possession, ready to go as fast and far on the path of life as it develops the brains to carry it. you'd smile if i should tell you what i'd ask of life, if i could have what i want." "i scarcely think so. please tell me." "you'll be shocked," warned kate. "just so it isn't enough to set my heart rocking again," said mrs. jardine. "we'll stop before that," laughed kate. "then if you will have it, i want of life by the time i am twenty a man of my stature, dark eyes and hair, because i am so light. i want him to be honest, forceful, hard working, with a few drops of the milk of human kindness in his heart, and the same ambitions i have." "and what are your ambitions?" asked mrs. jardine. "to own, and to cultivate, and to bring to the highest state of efficiency at least two hundred acres of land, with convenient and attractive buildings and pedigreed stock, and to mother at least twelve perfect physical and mental boys and girls." "oh, my soul!" cried mrs. jardine, falling back in her chair, her mouth agape. "my dear, you don't mean that? you only said that to shock me." "but why should i wish to shock you? i sincerely mean it," persisted kate. "you amazing creature! i never heard a girl talk like that before," said mrs. jardine. "but you can't look straight ahead of you any direction you turn without seeing a girl working for dear life to attract the man she wants; if she can't secure him, some other man; and in lieu of him, any man at all, in preference to none. life shows us woman on the age-old quest every day, everywhere we go; why be so secretive about it? why not say honestly what we want, and take it if we can get it? at any rate, that is the most important thing inside my sunbonnet. i knew you'd be shocked." "but i am not shocked at what you say, i agree with you. what i am shocked at is your ideals. i thought you'd want to educate yourself to such superiority over common woman that you could take the platform, and backed by your splendid physique, work for suffrage or lecture to educate the masses." "i think more could be accomplished with selected specimens, by being steadily on the job, than by giving an hour to masses. i'm not much interested in masses. they are too abstract for me; i prefer one stern reality. and as for woman's rights, if anybody gives this woman the right to do anything more than she already has the right to do, there'll surely be a scandal." mrs. jardine lay back in her chair laughing. "you are the most refreshing person i have met in all my travels. then to put it baldly, you want of life a man, a farm, and a family." "you comprehend me beautifully," said kate. "all my life i've worked like a towhead to help earn two hundred acres of land for someone else. i think there's nothing i want so much as two hundred acres of land for myself. i'd undertake to do almost anything with it, if i had it. i know i could, if i had the shoulder-to-shoulder, real man. you notice it will take considerable of a man to touch shoulders with me; i'm a head taller than most of them." mrs. jardine looked at her speculatively. "ummm!" she murmured. kate laughed. "for eighteen years i have been under marching orders," said kate. "over a year ago i was advised by a minister to 'take the wings of morning' so i took wing. i started on one grand flight and fell ker-smash in short order. life since has been a series of battering my wings until i have almost decided to buy some especially heavy boots, and walk the remainder of the way. as a concrete example, i started out yesterday morning wearing a hat that several very reliable parties assured me would so assist me to flight that i might at least have a carriage. where, oh, where are my hat and my carriage now? the carriage, non est! the hat--i am humbly hoping some little country girl, who has lived a life as barren as mine, will find the remains and retrieve the velvet bow for a hair-ribbon. as for the man that leghorn hat was supposed to symbolize, he won't even look my way when i appear in my bobby little sailor. he's as badly crushed out of existence as my beautiful hat." "you never should have been wearing such a hat to travel in, my dear," murmured mrs. jardine. "certainly not!" said kate. "i knew it. my sister told me that. common sense told me that! but what has that got to do with the fact that i was wearing the hat? i guess i have you there!" "far from it!" said mrs. jardine. "if you're going to start out in life, calmly ignoring the advice of those who love you, and the dictates of common sense, the result will be that soon the wheels of life will be grinding you, instead of a train making bag-rags of your hat." "hummm!" said kate. "there is food for reflection there. but wasn't it plain logic, that if the hat was to bring the man, it should be worn where at any minute he might see it?" "but my dear, my dear! if such a man as a woman like you should have, had seen you wearing that hat in the morning, on a railway train, he would merely have thought you prideful and extravagant. you would have been far more attractive to any man i know in your blue sunbonnet." "i surely have learned that lesson," said kate. "hereafter, sailors or sunbonnets for me in the morning. now what may i do to add to your comfort?" "leave me for an hour until i take a nap, and then we'll have lunch and go to a lecture. i can go to-day, perfectly well, after an hour's rest." so kate went for a very interesting walk around the grounds. when she returned mrs. jardine was still sleeping so she wrote nancy ellen, telling all about her adventure, but not a word about losing her hat. then she had a talk with jennie weeks whom she found lingering in the hall near her door. when at last that nap was over, a new woman seemed to have developed. mrs. jardine was so refreshed and interested the remainder of the day that it was easier than before for kate to see how shocked and ill she had been. as she helped dress her for lunch, kate said to mrs. jardine: "i met the manager as i was going to post a letter to my sister, so i asked him always to send you the same waiter. he said he would, and i'd like you to pay particular attention to her appearance, and the way she does her work." "why?" asked mrs. jardine. "i met her in the hall as i came back from posting my letter, so we 'visited' a little, as the country folks say. she has taught one winter of country school, a small school in an out county. she's here waiting table two hours three times a day, to pay for her room and board. in the meantime, she attends all the sessions and studies as much as she can; but she's very poor material for a teacher. i pity her pupils. she's a little thing, bright enough in her way, but she has not much initiative, not strong enough for the work, and she has not enough spunk. she'll never lead the minds of school children anywhere that will greatly benefit them." "and your deduction is--" "that she would make you a kind, careful, obedient maid, who is capable enough to be taught to wash your hair and manicure you with deftness, and who would serve you for respect as well as hire. i think it would be a fine arrangement for you and good for her." "this surely is kind of you," said mrs. jardine. "i'll keep strict watch of jennie weeks. if i could find a really capable maid here and not have to wire john to bring one, i'd be so glad. it does so go against the grain to prove to a man that he has a right to be more conceited than he is naturally." as they ate lunch kate said to mrs. jardine: "i noticed one thing this morning that is going to be balm to my soul. i passed many teachers and summer resorters going to the lecture halls and coming from them, and half of them were bareheaded, so my state will not be remarkable, until i can get another hat." "'god moves in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform,'" laughingly quoted mrs. jardine. "you thought losing that precious hat was a calamity; but if you hadn't lost it, you probably would have slept soundly while i died across the hall. my life is worth the price of a whole millinery shop to me; i think you value the friendship we are developing; i foresee i shall get a maid who will not disgrace my in public; you will have a full summer here; now truly, isn't all this worth many hats?" "of course! it's like a fairy tale," said kate. "still, you didn't see the hat!" "but you described it in a truly graphic manner," said mrs. jardine. "when i am the snowiest of great-grandmothers, i shall still be telling small people about the outcome of my first attempt at vanity," laughed kate. the third morning dawned in great beauty, a "misty, moisty morning," mrs. jardine called it. the sun tried to shine but could not quite pierce the intervening clouds, so on every side could be seen exquisite pictures painted in delicate pastel colours. kate, fresh and rosy, wearing a blue chambray dress, was a picture well worth seeing. mrs. jardine kept watching her so closely that kate asked at last: "have you made up your mind, yet?" "no, and i am afraid i never shall," answered mrs. jardine. "you are rather an astonishing creature. you're so big, so vital; you absorb knowledge like a sponge takes water--" "and for the same purpose," laughed kate. "that it may be used for the benefit of others. tell me some more about me. i find me such an interesting subject." "no doubt!" admitted mrs. jardine. "not a doubt about that! we are all more interested in ourselves than in any one else in this world, until love comes; then we soon learn to a love man more than life, and when a child comes we learn another love, so clear, so high, so purifying, that we become of no moment at all, and live only for those we love." "you speak for yourself, and a class of women like you," answered kate gravely. "i'm very well acquainted with many women who have married and borne children, and who are possibly more selfish than before. the great experience never touched them at all." there was a tap at the door. kate opened it and delivered to mrs. jardine a box so big that it almost blocked the doorway. mrs. jardine lifted from the box a big leghorn hat of weave so white and fine it almost seemed like woven cloth instead of braid. there was a bow in front, but the bow was nested in and tied through a web of flowered gold lace. one velvet end was slightly long and concealed a wire which lifted one side of the brim a trifle, beneath which was fastened a smashing big, pale-pink velvet rose. there was an ostrich plume even longer than the other, broader, blacker, as wonderful a feather as ever dropped from the plumage of a lordly bird. mrs. jardine shook the hat in such a way as to set the feather lifting and waving after the confinement of the box. with slender, sure fingers she set the bow and lace as they should be, and touched the petals of the rose. she inspected the hat closely, shook it again, and held it toward kate. "a very small price to pay for the breath of life, which i was rapidly losing," she said. "do me the favour to accept it as casually as i offer it. did i understand your description anywhere near right? is this your hat?" "thank you," said kate. "it is just 'the speaking image' of my hat, but it's a glorified, sublimated, celestial image. what i described was merely a hat. this is what i think i have lately heard nancy ellen mention as a 'creation.' wheuuuuuu!" she went to the mirror, arranged her hair, set the hat on her head, and turned. "gracious heaven!" said mrs. jardine. "my dear, i understand now why you wore that hat on your journey." "i wore that hat," said kate, "as an ascension stalk wears its crown of white lilies, as a bobolink wears its snowy courting crest, as a bride wears her veil; but please take this from me to-night, lest i sleep in it!" that night mrs. jardine felt tired enough to propose resting in her room, with jennie weeks where she could be called; so for the first time kate left her, and, donning her best white dress and the hat, attended a concert. at its close she walked back to the hotel with some of the other teachers stopping there, talked a few minutes in the hall, went to the office desk for mail, and slowly ascended the stairs, thinking intently. what she thought was: "if i am not mistaken, my hat did a small bit of execution to-night." she stepped to her room to lock the door and stopped a few minutes to arrange the clothing she had discarded when she dressed hurriedly before going to the concert, then, the letters in her hand, she opened mrs. jardine's door. a few minutes before, there had been a tap on that same door. "come in," said mrs. jardine, expecting kate or jennie weeks. she slowly lifted her eyes and faced a tall, slender man standing there. "john jardine, what in the world are you doing here?" she demanded after the manner of mothers, "and what in this world has happened to you?" "does it show on me like that?" he stammered. "was your train in a wreck? are you in trouble?" she asked. "something shows plainly enough, but i don't understand what it is." "are you all right, mother?" he advanced a step, looking intently at her. "of course i'm all right! you can see that for yourself. the question is, what's the matter with you?" "if you will have it, there is something the matter. since i saw you last i have seen a woman i want to marry, that's all; unless i add that i want her so badly that i haven't much sense left. now you have it!" "no, i don't have it, and i won't have it! what designing creature has been trying to intrigue you now?" she demanded. "not any one. she didn't see me, even. i saw her. i've been following her for nearly two hours instead of coming straight to you, as i always have. so you see where i am. i expect you won't forgive me, but since i'm here, you must know that i could only come on the evening train." he crossed the room, knelt beside the chair, and took it and its contents in his arms. "are you going to scold me?" he asked. "i am," she said. "i am going to take you out and push you into the deepest part of the lake. i'm so disappointed. why, john, for the first time in my life i've selected a girl for you, the very most suitable girl i ever saw, and i hoped and hoped for three days that when you came you'd like her. of course i wasn't so rash as to say a word to her! but i've thought myself into a state where i'm going to be sick with disappointment." "but wait, mother, wait until i can manage to meet the girl i've seen. wait until i have a chance to show her to you!" he begged. "i suppose i shall be forced," she said. "i've always dreaded it, now here it comes. oh, why couldn't it have been kate? why did she go to that silly concert? if only i'd kept her here, and we'd walked down to the station. i'd half a mind to!" then the door opened, and kate stepped into the room. she stood still, looking at them. john jardine stood up, looking at her. his mother sat staring at them in turn. kate recovered first. "please excuse me," she said. she laid the letters on a small table and turned to go. john caught his mother's hand closer, when he found himself holding it. "if you know the young lady, mother," he said, "why don't you introduce us?" "oh, i was so bewildered by your coming," she said. "kate, dear, let me present my son." kate crossed the room, and looking straight into each other's eyes they shook hands and found chairs. "how was your concert, my dear?" asked mrs. jardine. "i don't think it was very good," said kate. "not at all up to my expectations. how did you like it, mr. jardine?" "was that a concert?" he asked. "it was supposed to be," said kate. "thank you for the information," he said. "i didn't see it, i didn't hear it, i don't know where i was." "this is most astonishing," said kate. mrs. jardine looked at her son, her eyes two big imperative question marks. he nodded slightly. "my soul!" she cried, then lay back in her chair half-laughing, half-crying, until kate feared she might have another attack of heart trouble. chapter x john jardine's courtship the following morning they breakfasted together under the branches of the big maple tree in a beautiful world. mrs. jardine was so happy she could only taste a bite now and then, when urged to. kate was trying to keep her head level, and be natural. john jardine wanted to think of everything, and succeeded fairly well. it seemed to kate that he could invent more ways to spend money, and spend it with freer hand, than any man she ever had heard of, but she had to confess that the men she had heard about were concerned with keeping their money, not scattering it. "did you hear unusual sounds when john came to bid me good-night?" asked mrs. jardine of kate. "yes," laughed kate, "i did. and i'm sure i made a fairly accurate guess as to the cause." "what did you think?" asked mrs. jardine. "i thought mr. jardine had missed susette, and you'd had to tell him," said kate. "you're quite right. it's a good thing she went on and lost herself in new york. i'm not at all sure that he doesn't contemplate starting out to find her yet." "let susette go!" said kate. "we're interested in forgetting her. there's a little country school-teacher here, who wants to take her place, and it will be the very thing for your mother and for her, too. she's the one serving us; notice her in particular." "if she's a teacher, how does she come to be serving us?" he asked. "i'm a teacher; how do i come to be dining with you?" said kate. "this is such a queer world, when you go adventuring in it. jennie had a small school in an out county, a widowed mother and a big family to help support; so she figured that the only way she could come here to try to prepare herself for a better school was to work for her room and board. she serves the table two hours, three times a day, and studies between times. she tells me that almost every waiter in the dining hall is a teacher. please watch her movements and manner and see if you think her suitable. goodness knows she isn't intended for a teacher." "i like her very much," said john jardine. "i'll engage her as soon as we finish." kate smiled, but when she saw the ease and dexterity with which he ended jennie weeks' work as a waiter and installed her as his mother's maid, making the least detail all right with his mother, with jennie, with the manager, she realized that there had been nothing for her to smile about. jennie was delighted, and began her new undertaking earnestly, with sincere desire to please. kate helped her all she could, while mrs. jardine developed a fund of patience commensurate with the need of it. she would have endured more inconvenience than resulted from jennie's inexperienced hands because of the realization that her son and the girl she had so quickly learned to admire were on the lake, rambling the woods, or hearing lectures together. when she asked him how long he could remain, he said as long as she did. when she explained that she was enjoying herself thoroughly and had no idea how long she would want to stay, he said that was all right; he had only had one vacation in his life; it was time he was having another. when she marvelled at this he said: "now, look here, mother, let's get this business straight, right at the start. i told you when i came i'd seen the woman i wanted. if you want me to go back to business, the way to do it is to help me win her." "but i don't want you 'to go back to business'; i want you to have a long vacation, and learn all you can from the educational advantages here." "it's too late for me to learn more than i get every day by knocking around and meeting people. i've tried books two or three times, and i've given them up; i can't do it. i've waited too long, i've no way to get down to it, i can't remember to save my soul." "but you can remember anything on earth about a business deal," she urged. "of course i can. i was born with a business head. it was remember, or starve, and see you starve. if i'd had the books at the time they would have helped; now it's too late, and i'll never try it again, that's settled. much as i want to marry miss bates, she'll have to take me or leave me as i am. i can't make myself over for her or for you. i would if i could, but that's one of the things i can't do, and i admit it. if i'm not good enough for her as i am, she'll have the chance to tell me so the very first minute i think it's proper to ask her." "john, you are good enough for the best woman on earth. there never was a better lad, it isn't that, and you know it. i am so anxious that i can scarcely wait; but you must wait. you must give her time and go slowly, and you must be careful, oh, so very careful! she's a teacher and a student; she came here to study." "i'll fix that. i can rush things so that there'll be no time to study." "you'll make a mistake if you try it. you'd far better let her go her own way and only appear when she has time for you," she advised. "that's a fine idea!" he cried. "a lot of ice i'd cut, sitting back waiting for a signal to run after a girl, like a poodle. the way to do is the same as with any business deal. see what you want, overcome anything in your way, and get it. i'd go crazy hanging around like that. you've always told me i couldn't do the things in business i said i would; and i've always proved to you that i could, by doing them. now watch me do this." "you know i'll do anything to help you, john. you know how proud i am of you, how i love you! i realize now that i've talked volumes to kate about you. i've told her everything from the time you were a little boy and i slaved for you, until now, when you slave for me." "including how many terms i'd gone to school?" "yes, i even told her that," she said. "well, what did she seem to think about it?" he asked. "i don't know what she thought, she didn't say anything. there was nothing to say. it was a bare-handed fight with the wolf in those days. i'm sure i made her understand that," she said. "well, i'll undertake to make her understand this," he said. "are you sure that jennie weeks is taking good care of you?" "jennie is well enough and is growing better each day, now be off to your courting, but if you love me, remember, and be careful," she said. "remember--one particular thing--you mean?" he asked. she nodded, her lips closed. "you bet i will!" he said. "all there is of me goes into this. isn't she a wonder, mother?" mrs. jardine looked closely at the big man who was all the world to her, so like her in mentality, so like his father with his dark hair and eyes and big, well-rounded frame; looked at him with the eyes of love, then as he left her to seek the girl she had learned to love, she shut her eyes and frankly and earnestly asked the lord to help her son to marry kate bates. one morning as kate helped mrs. jardine into her coat and gloves, preparing for one of their delightful morning drives, she said to her: "mrs. jardine, may i ask you a real question?" "of course you may," said mrs. jardine, "and i shall give you a 'real' answer if it lies in my power." "you'll be shocked," warned kate. "shock away," laughed mrs. jardine. "by now i flatter myself that i am so accustomed to you that you will have to try yourself to shock me." "it's only this," said kate: "if you were a perfect stranger, standing back and looking on, not acquainted with any of the parties, merely seeing things as they happen each day, would it be your honest opinion--would you say that i am being courted?" mrs. jardine laughed until she was weak. when she could talk, she said: "yes, my dear, under the conditions, and in the circumstances you mention, i would cheerfully go on oath and testify that you are being courted more openly, more vigorously, and as tenderly as i ever have seen woman courted in all my life. i always thought that john's father was a master hand at courting, but john has him beaten in many ways. yes, my dear, you certainly are being courted assiduously." "now, then, on that basis," said kate, "just one more question and we'll proceed with our drive. from the same standpoint: would you say from your observation and experience that the mother of the man had any insurmountable objection to the proceedings?" mrs. jardine laughed again. finally she said: "no, my dear. it's my firm conviction that the mother of the man in the case would be so delighted if you should love and marry her son that she would probably have a final attack of heart trouble and pass away from sheer joy." "thank you," said kate. "i wasn't perfectly sure, having had no experience whatever, and i didn't want to make a mistake." that drive was wonderful, over beautiful country roads, through dells, and across streams and hills. they stopped where they pleased, gathering flowers and early apples, visiting with people they met, lunching wherever they happened to be. "if it weren't for wishing to hear john a. logan to-night," said kate, "i'd move that we drive on all day. i certainly am having the grandest time." she sat with her sailor hat filled with early harvest apples, a big bunch of canadian anemones in her belt, a little stream at her feet, july drowsy fullness all around her, congenial companions; taking the "wings of morning" paid, after all. "why do you want to hear him so much?" asked john. kate looked up at him in wonder. "don't you want to see and hear him?" she asked. he hesitated, a thoughtful expression on his face. finally he said: "i can't say that i do. will you tell me why i should?" "you should because he was one of the men who did much to preserve our union, he may tell us interesting things about the war. where were you when it was the proper time for you to be studying the speech of logan's ancestor in mcguffey's fourth?" "that must have been the year i figured out the improved coupling pin in the c. n. w. shops, wouldn't you think, mother?" "somewhere near, my dear," she said. so they drove back as happily as they had set out, made themselves fresh, and while awaiting the lecture hour, kate again wrote to robert and nancy ellen, telling plainly and simply all that had occurred. she even wrote "john jardine's mother is of the opinion that he is courting me. i am so lacking in experience myself that i scarcely dare venture an opinion, but it has at times appealed to me that if he isn't really, he certainly must be going through the motions." nancy ellen wrote: i have read over what you say about john jardine several times. then i had robert write bradstreet's and look him up. he is rated so high that if he hasn't a million right now, he soon will have. you be careful, and do your level best. are your clothes good enough? shall i send more of my things? you know i'll do anything to help you. oh, yes, that george holt from your boarding place was here the other day hunting you. he seemed determined to know where you were and when you would be back, and asked for your address. i didn't think you had any time for him and i couldn't endure him or his foolish talk about a new medical theory; so i said you'd no time for writing and were going about so much i had no idea if you'd get a letter if he sent one, and i didn't give him what he wanted. he'll probably try general delivery, but you can drop it in the lake. i want you to be sure to change your boarding place this winter, if you teach; but i haven't an idea you will. hadn't you better bring matters to a close if you can, and let the director know? love from us both, nancy ellen. kate sat very still, holding this letter in her hand, when john jardine came up and sat beside her. she looked at him closely. he was quite as good looking as his mother thought him, in a brawny masculine way; but kate was not seeking the last word in mental or physical refinement. she was rather brawny herself, and perfectly aware of the fact. she wanted intensely to learn all she could, she disliked the idea that any woman should have more stored in her head than she, but she had no time to study minute social graces and customs. she wanted to be kind, to be polite, but she told mrs. jardine flatly the "she didn't give a flip about being overly nice," which was the exact truth. that required subtleties beyond kate's depth, for she was at times alarmingly casual. so she held her letter and thought about john jardine. as she thought, she decided that she did not know whether she was in love with him or not; she thought she was. she liked being with him, she liked all he did for her, she would miss him if he went away, she would be proud to be his wife, but she did wish that he were interested in land, instead of inventions and stocks and bonds. stocks and bonds were almost as evanescent as rainbows to kate. land was something she could understand and handle. maybe she could interest him in land; if she could, that would be ideal. what a place his wealth would buy and fit up. she wondered as she studied john jardine, what was in his head; if he truly intended to ask her to be his wife, and since reading nancy ellen's letter, when? she should let the trustee know if she were not going to teach the school again; but someway, she rather wanted to teach the school. when she started anything she did not know how to stop until she finished. she had so much she wanted to teach her pupils the coming winter. suddenly john asked: "kate, if you could have anything you wanted, what would you have?" "two hundred acres of land," she said. "how easy!" laughed john, rising to find a seat for his mother who was approaching them. "what do you think of that, mother? a girl who wants two hundred acres of land more than anything else in the world." "what is better?" asked mrs. jardine. "i never heard you say anything about land before." "certainly not," said his mother, "and i'm not saying anything about it now, for myself; but i can see why it means so much to kate, why it's her natural element." "well, i can't," he said. "i meet many men in business who started on land, and most of them were mighty glad to get away from it. what's the attraction?" kate waved her hand toward the distance. "oh, merely sky, and land, and water, and trees, and birds, and flowers, and fruit, and crops, and a few other things scarcely worth mentioning," she said, lightly. "i'm not in the mood to talk bushels, seed, and fertilization just now; but i understand them, they are in my blood. i think possibly the reason i want two hundred acres of land for myself is because i've been hard on the job of getting them for other people ever since i began to work, at about the age of four." "but if you want land personally, why didn't you work to get it for yourself?" asked john jardine. "because i happened to be the omega of my father's system," answered kate. mrs. jardine looked at her interestedly. she had never mentioned her home or parents before. the older woman did not intend to ask a word, but if kate was going to talk, she did not want to miss one. kate evidently was going to talk, for she continued: "you see my father is land mad, and son crazy. he thinks a boy of all the importance in the world; a girl of none whatever. he has the biggest family of any one we know. from birth each girl is worked like a man, or a slave, from four in the morning until nine at night. each boy is worked exactly the same way; the difference lies in the fact that the girls get plain food and plainer clothes out of it; the boys each get two hundred acres of land, buildings and stock, that the girls have been worked to the limit to help pay for; they get nothing personally, worth mentioning. i think i have two hundred acres of land on the brain, and i think this is the explanation of it. it's a pre-natal influence at our house; while we nurse, eat, sleep, and above all, work it, afterward." she paused and looked toward john jardine calmly: "i think," she said, "that there's not a task ever performed on a farm that i haven't had my share in. i have plowed, hoed, seeded, driven reapers and bound wheat, pitched hay and hauled manure, chopped wood and sheared sheep, and boiled sap; if you can mention anything else, go ahead, i bet a dollar i've done it." "well, what do you think of that?" he muttered, looking at her wonderingly. "if you ask me, and want the answer in plain words, i think it's a shame!" said kate. "if it were one hundred acres of land, and the girls had as much, and were as willing to work it as the boys are, well and good. but to drive us like cattle, and turn all we earn into land for the boys, is another matter. i rebelled last summer, borrowed the money and went to normal and taught last winter. i'm going to teach again this winter; but last summer and this are the first of my life that i haven't been in the harvest fields, at this time. women in the harvest fields of land king bates are common as men, and wagons, and horses, but not nearly so much considered. the women always walk on sunday, to save the horses, and often on week days." "mother has it hammered into me that it isn't polite to ask questions," said john, "but i'd like to ask one." "go ahead," said kate. "ask fifty! what do i care?" "how many boys are there in your family?" "there are seven," said kate, "and if you want to use them as a basis for a land estimate add two hundred and fifty for the home place. sixteen hundred and fifty is what father pays tax on, besides the numerous mortgages and investments. he's the richest man in the county we live in; at least he pays the most taxes." mother and son looked at each other in silence. they had been thinking her so poor that she would be bewildered by what they had to offer. but if two hundred acres of land were her desire, there was a possibility that she was a women who was not asking either ease or luxury of life, and would refuse it if it were proffered. "i hope you will take me home with you, and let me see all that land, and how it is handled," said john jardine. "i don't own an acre. i never even have thought of it, but there is no reason why i, or any member of my family shouldn't have all the land they want. mother, do you feel a wild desire for two hundred acres of land? same kind of a desire that took you to come here?" "no, i don't," said mrs. jardine. "all i know about land is that i know it when i see it, and i know if i think it's pretty; but i can see why kate feels that she would like that amount for herself, after having helped earn all those farms for her brothers. if it's land she wants, i hope she speedily gets all she desires in whatever location she wants it; and then i hope she lets me come to visit her and watch her do as she likes with it." "surely," said kate, "you are invited right now; as soon as i ever get the land, i'll give you another invitation. and of course you may go home with me, mr. jardine, and i'll show you each of what father calls 'those little parcels of land of mine.' but the one he lives on we shall have to gaze at from afar, because i'm a prodigal daughter. when i would leave home in spite of him for the gay and riotous life of a school-marm, he ordered me to take all my possessions with me, which i did in one small telescope. i was not to enter his house again while he lived. i was glad to go, he was glad to have me, while i don't think either of us has changed our mind since. teaching school isn't exactly gay, but i'll fill my tummy with quite a lot of symbolical husks before he'll kill the fatted calf for me. they'll be glad to see you at my brother adam's, and my sister, nancy ellen, would greatly enjoy meeting you. surely you may go home with me, if you'd like." "i can think of only one thing i'd like better," he said. "we've been such good friends here and had such a good time, it would be the thing i'd like best to take you home with us, and show you where and how we live. mother, did you ever invite kate to visit us?" "i have, often, and she has said that she would," replied mrs. jardine. "i think it would be nice for her to go from here with us; and then you can take her home whenever she fails to find us interesting. how would that suit you for a plan, my dear?" "i think that would be a perfect ending to a perfect summer," said kate. "i can't see an objection in any way. thank you very much." "then we'll call that settled," said john jardine. chapter xi a business proposition mid-august saw them on their way to chicago. kate had taken care of mrs. jardine a few days while jennie weeks went home to see her mother and arrange for her new work. she had no intention of going back to school teaching. she preferred to brush mrs. jardine's hair, button her shoes, write her letters, and read to her. in a month, jennie had grown so deft at her work and made herself so appreciated, that she was practically indispensable to the elderly woman, and therefore the greatest comfort to john. immediately he saw that his mother was properly cared for, sympathetically and even lovingly, he made it his business to smooth jennie's path in every way possible. in turn she studied him, and in many ways made herself useful to him. often she looked at him with large and speculative eyes as he sat reading letters, or papers, or smoking. the world was all right with kate when they crossed the sand dunes as they neared the city. she was sorry about the situation in her home, but she smiled sardonically as she thought how soon her father would forget his anger when he heard about the city home and the kind of farm she could have, merely by consenting to take it. she was that sure of john jardine; yet he had not asked her to marry him. he had seemed on the verge of it a dozen times, and then had paused as if better judgment told him it would be wise to wait a little longer. now kate had concluded that there was a definite thing he might be waiting for, since that talk about land. she thought possibly she understood what it was. he was a business man; he knew nothing else; he said so frankly. he wanted to show her his home, his business, his city, his friends, and then he required--he had almost put it into words--that he be shown her home and her people. kate not only acquiesced, she approved. she wanted to know as much of a man she married as nancy ellen had known, and robert had taken her to his home and told his people she was his betrothed wife before he married her. kate's eyes were wide open and her brain busy, as they entered a finely appointed carriage and she heard john say: "rather sultry. home down the lake shore, george." she wished their driver had not been named "george," but after all it made no difference. there could not be a commoner name than john, and she knew of but one that she liked better. for the ensuing three days she lived in a lake shore home of wealth. she watched closely not to trip in the heavy rugs and carpets. she looked at wonderful paintings and long shelves of books. she never had touched such china, or tasted such food or seen so good service. she understood why john had opposed his mother's undertaking the trip without him, for everyone in the house seemed busy serving the little woman. jennie weeks was frankly enchanted. "my sakes!" she said to kate. "if i'm not grateful to you for getting me into a place like this. i wouldn't give it up for all the school-teaching in the world. i'm going to snuggle right in here, and make myself so useful i won't have to leave until i die. i hope you won't turn me out when to come to take charge." "don't you think you're presuming?" said kate. jennie drew back with a swift apology, but there was a flash in the little eyes and a spiteful look on the small face as she withdrew. then kate was shown each of john's wonderful inventions. to her they seemed almost miracles, because they were so obvious, so simple, yet brought such astounding returns. she saw offices and heard the explanation of big business; but did not comprehend, farther than that when an invention was completed, the piling up of money began. before the week's visit was over, kate was trying to fit herself and her aims and objects of life into the surroundings, with no success whatever. she felt housed in, cribbed, confined, frustrated. when she realized that she was becoming plainly cross, she began keen self-analysis and soon admitted to herself that she did not belong there. kate watched with keen eyes. repeatedly she tried to imagine herself in such surroundings for life, a life sentence, she expressed it, for soon she understood that it would be to her, a prison. the only way she could imagine herself enduring it at all was to think of the promised farm, and when she began to think of that on jardine terms, she saw that it would mean to sit down and tell someone else what she wanted done. there would be no battle to fight. her mind kept harking back to the day when she had said to john that she hoped there would be a lake on the land she owned, and he had answered casually: "if there isn't a lake, make one!" kate thought that over repeatedly. "make one!" make a lake? it would have seemed no more magical to her if he had said, "make a cloud," "make a star," or "make a rainbow." "what on earth would i do with myself, with my time, with my life?" pondered kate. she said "good-bye" to mrs. jardine and jennie weeks, and started home with john, still pondering. when the train pulled into hartley, nancy ellen and robert were on the platform to meet them. from that time, kate was on solid ground. she was reckoning in terms she could comprehend. all her former assurance and energy came back to her. she almost wished the visit were over, and that she were on the way to walton to clean the school-house. she was eager to roll her sleeves and beat a tub of soapy clothes to foam, and boil them snowy white. she had a desire she could scarcely control to sweep, and dust, and cook. she had been out of the environment she thought she disliked and found when she returned to it after a wider change than she could have imagined, that she did not dislike it at all. it was her element, her work, what she knew. she could attempt it with sure foot, capable hand, and certain knowledge. sunday morning she said to nancy ellen as they washed the breakfast dishes, while the men smoked on the veranda: "nancy ellen, i don't believe i was ever cut out for a rich woman! if i have got a chance, i wish you had it, and i had this. this just suits my style to a t." "tell me about it," said nancy ellen. kate told all she could remember. "you don't mean to say you didn't like it?" cried nancy ellen. "i didn't say anything," said kate, "but if i were saying exactly what i feel, you'd know i despise it all." "why, kate barnes!" cried the horrified nancy ellen, "whatever do you mean?" "i haven't thought enough to put it to you clearly," said kate, "but someway the city repels me. facilities for manufacturing something start a city. it begins with the men who do the work, and the men who profit from that work, living in the same coop. it expands, and goes on, and grows, on that basis. it's the laborer, living on his hire, and the manufacturer living on the laborer's productions, coming in daily contact. the contrast is too great, the space is too small. somebody is going to get the life crowded out of him at every turn, and it isn't always the work hand in the factory. the money kings eat each other for breakfast every day. as for work, we always thought we worked. you should take a peep into the shops and factories i've seen this week. work? why, we don't know what work is, and we waste enough food every day to keep a workman's family, and we're dressed liked queens, in comparison with them right now." "do you mean to say if he asks you--?" it was a small explosion. "i mean to say if he asks me, 'buy me that two hundred acres of land where i want it, build me the house and barns i want, and guarantee that i may live there as i please, and i'll marry you to-morrow.' if it's chicago--never! i haven't stolen, murdered, or betrayed, who should i be imprisoned?" "why, you hopeless anarchist!" said nancy ellen, "i am going to tell john jardine on you." "do!" urged kate. "sound him on the land question. it's our only hope of a common foundation. have you send agatha word that we will be out this afternoon?" "i have," said nancy ellen. "and i don't doubt that now, even now, she is in the kitchen--how would she put it?" "'compounding a cake,'" said kate, "while adam is in the cellar 'freezing a custard.' adam, 3d, will be raking the yard afresh and susan will be sweeping the walks steadily from now until they sight us coming down the road. what you bet agatha asked john his intentions? i almost wish she would," she added. "he has some, but there is a string to them in some way, and i can't just make out where, or why it is." "not even a guess?" asked nancy ellen. "not even a guess, with any sense to it. i've thought it was coming repeatedly; but i've got a stubborn bates streak, and i won't lift a finger to help him. he'll speak up, loud and plain, or there will be no 'connubial bliss' for us, as agatha says. i think he has ideas about other things than freight train gear. according to his programme we must have so much time to become acquainted, i must see his home and people, he must see mine. if there's more after that, i'm not informed. like as not there is. it may come after we get back to-night, i can't say." "have you told him--?" asked nancy ellen. "not the details, but the essentials. he knows that i can't go home. it came up one day in talking about land. i guess they had thought before, that my people were poor as church mice. i happened to mention how much land i had helped earn for my brothers, and they seemed so interested i finished the job. well, after they had heard about the land king, it made a noticeable difference in their treatment of me. not that they weren't always fine, but it made, i scarcely know how to put it, it was so intangible--but it was a difference, an added respect. you bet money is a power! i can see why father hangs on to those deeds, when i get out in the world. they are his compensation for his years of hard work, the material evidence that he has succeeded in what he undertook. he'd show them to john jardine with the same feeling john showed me improved car couplers, brakes, and air cushions. they stand for successes that win the deference of men. out in the little bit of world i've seen, i notice that men fight, bleed, and die for even a tiny fraction of deference. aren't they funny? what would i care--?" "well, i'd care a lot!" said nancy ellen. kate surveyed her slowly. "yes, i guess you would." they finished the dishes and went to church, because robert was accustomed to going. they made a remarkable group. then they went to the hotel for dinner, so that the girls would not have to prepare it, and then in a double carriage robert had secured for the occasion, they drove to bates corners and as kate said, "viewed the landscape o'er." those eight pieces of land, none under two hundred acres, some slightly over, all in the very highest state of cultivation, with modern houses, barns, outbuildings, and fine stock grazing in the pastures, made an impressive picture. it was probably the first time that any of the bates girls had seen it all at once, and looked on it merely as a spectacle. they stopped at adam's last, and while robert was busy with the team and john had alighted to help him, nancy ellen, revealing tight lips and unnaturally red cheeks, leaned back to kate. "this is about as mean a trick, and as big a shame as i've ever seen," she said, hotly. "you know i was brought up with this, and i never looked at it with the eyes of a stranger before. if ever i get my fingers on those deeds, i'll make short work of them!" "and a good job, too!" assented kate, instantly. "look out! there comes adam." "i'd just as soon tell him so as not!" whispered nancy ellen. "which would result in the deeds being recorded to-morrow and spoiling our trip to-day, and what good would it do you?" said kate. "none, of course! nothing ever does a bates girl any good, unless she gets out and does it for herself," retorted nancy ellen spitefully. "there, there," said robert as he came to help nancy ellen protect her skirts in alighting. "i was afraid this trip would breed discontent." "what's the trouble?" asked john, as he performed the same service for kate. "oh, the girls are grouching a little because they helped earn all this, and are to be left out of it," explained robert in a low voice. "let's get each one of them a farm that will lay any of these completely in the shade," suggested john. "all right for you, if you can do it," said robert, laughing, "but i've gone my limit for the present. besides, if you gave each of them two hundred acres of the kingdom of heaven, it wouldn't stop them from feeling that they had been defrauded of their birthright here." "how would you feel if you was served the same way?" asked john, and even as she shook hands with adam, and introduced john jardine, kate found herself wishing that he had said "were." as the girls had predicted, the place was immaculate, the yard shady and cool from the shelter of many big trees, the house comfortable, convenient, the best of everything in sight. agatha and susan were in new white dresses, while adam jr. and 3d wore tan and white striped seersucker coats, and white duck trousers. it was not difficult to feel a glow of pride in the place and people. adam made them cordially welcome. "you undoubtedly are blessed with good fortune," said agatha. "won't you please enlighten us concerning your travels, katherine?" so kate told them everything she could think of that she thought would interest and amuse them, even outlining for agatha speeches she had heard made by dr. vincent, chaplain mccabe, jehu dewitt miller, a number of famous politicians, teachers, and ministers. then all of them talked about everything. adam took john and robert to look over the farm, whereupon kate handed over her hat for agatha to finger and try on. "and how long will it be, my dear," said agatha to kate, "before you enter connubial bliss?" "my goodness! i'm glad you asked me that while the men are at the barn," said kate. "mr. jardine hasn't said a word about it himself, so please be careful what you say before him." agatha looked at kate in wonder. "you amaze me," she said. "why, he regards you as if he would devour you. he hasn't proposed for your hand, you say? surely you're not giving him proper encouragement!" "she isn't giving him any, further than allowing him to be around," said nancy ellen. "do enlighten me!" cried the surprised agatha. "how astonishing! why, kate, my dear, there is a just and proper amount of encouragement that must be given any self-respecting youth, before he makes his declarations. you surely know that." "no, i do not know it!" said kate. "i thought it was a man's place to speak up loud and plain and say what he had to propose." "oh, dear!" wailed agatha, wringing her thin hands, her face a mirror of distress. "oh, dear, i very much fear you will lose him. why, katherine, after a man has been to see you a certain number of times, and evidenced enough interest in you, my dear, there are a thousand strictly womanly ways in which you can lend his enterprise a little, only a faint amount of encouragement, just enough to allow him to recognize that he is not--not--er--repulsive to you." "but how many times must he come, and how much interest must he evince?" asked kate. "i can scarcely name an exact number," said agatha. "that is personal. you must decide for yourself what is the psychological moment at which he is to be taken. have you even signified to him that you--that you--that you could be induced, even to contemplate marriage?" "oh, yes," said kate, heartily. "i told his mother that it was the height of my ambition to marry by the time i'm twenty. i told her i wanted a man as tall as i am, two hundred acres of land, and at least twelve babies." agatha collapsed suddenly. she turned her shocked face toward nancy ellen. "great day of rest!" she cried. "no wonder the man doesn't propose!" when the men returned from their stroll, agatha and susan served them with delicious frozen custard and angel's food cake. then they resumed their drive, passing hiram's place last. at the corner robert hesitated and turned to ask: "shall we go ahead, kate?" "certainly," said kate. "i want mr. jardine to see where i was born and spent my time of legal servitude. i suppose we daren't stop. i doubt if mother would want to see me, and i haven't the slightest doubt that father would not; but he has no jurisdiction over the road. it's the shortest way--and besides, i want to see the lilac bush and the cabbage roses." as they approached the place nancy ellen turned. "father's standing at the gate. what shall we do?" "there's nothing you can do, but drive straight ahead and you and robert speak to him," said kate. "go fast, robert." he touched the team and at fair speed they whirled past the white house, at the gate of which, stiffly erect, stood a brawny man of six feet six, his face ruddy and healthy in appearance. he was dressed as he prepared himself to take a trip to pay his taxes, or to go to court. he stood squarely erect, with stern, forbidding face, looking directly at them. robert spoke to him, and nancy ellen leaned forward and waved, calling "father," that she might be sure he knew her, but he gave not the slightest sign of recognition. they carried away a distinct picture of him, at his best physically and in appearance; at his worst mentally. "there you have it!" said kate, bitterly. "i'd be safe in wagering a thousand dollars, if i had it, that agatha or the children told, at hiram's or to mother's girl, that we were coming. they knew we would pass about this time. mother was at the side door watching, and father was in his sunday best, waiting to show us what would happen if we stopped, and that he never changes his mind. it didn't happen by accident that he was standing there dressed that way. what do you think, nancy ellen?" "that he was watching for us!" said nancy ellen. "but why do you suppose that he did it?" asked kate. "he thought that if he were not standing guard there, we might stop in the road and at least call mother out. he wanted to be seen, and seen at his best; but as always, in command, showing his authority." "don't mind," said john jardine. "it's easy to understand the situation." "thank you," said kate. "i hope you'll tell your mother that. i can't bear her to think that the trouble is wholly my fault." "no danger of that," he said. "mother thinks there's nobody in all the world like you, and so do i." nancy ellen kicked robert's shin, to let him know that she heard. kate was very depressed for a time, but she soon recovered and they spent a final happy evening together. when john had parted from robert and nancy ellen, with the arrangement that he was to come again the following saturday evening and spend sunday with them, he asked kate to walk a short distance with him. he seemed to be debating some proposition in his mind, that he did not know how to approach. finally he stopped abruptly and said: "kate, mother told me that she told you how i grew up. we have been together most of every day for six weeks. i have no idea how a man used to women goes at what i want, so i can only do what i think is right, and best, and above all honest, and fair. i'd be the happiest i've ever been, to do anything on earth i've got the money to do, for you. there's a question i'm going to ask you the next time i come. you can think over all you know of me, and of mother, and of what we have, and are, and be ready to tell me how you feel about everything next sunday. there's one question i want to ask you before i go. in case we can plan for a life together next sunday, what about my mother?" "whatever pleases her best, of course," said kate. "any arrangement that you feel will make her happy, will be all right with me; in the event we agree on other things." he laughed, shortly. "this sounds cold-blooded and business-like," he said. "but mother's been all the world to me, until i met you. i must be sure about her, and one other thing. i'll write you about that this week. if that is all right with you, you can get ready for a deluge. i've held in as long as i can. kate, will you kiss me good-bye?" "that's against the rules," said kate. "that's getting the cart before the horse." "i know it," he said. "but haven't i been an example for six weeks? only one. please?" they were back at dr. gray's gate, standing in the deep shelter of a big maple. kate said: "i'll make a bargain with you. i'll kiss you to-night, and if we come to an agreement next sunday night, you shall kiss me. is that all right?" the reply was so indistinct kate was not sure of it; but she took his face between her hands and gave him exactly the same kind of kiss she would have given adam, 3d. she hesitated an instant, then gave him a second. "you may take that to your mother," she said, and fled up the walk. chapter xii two letters nancy ellen and robert were sitting on the side porch, not seeming in the least sleepy, when kate entered the house. as she stepped out to them, she found them laughing mysteriously. "take this chair, kate," said nancy ellen. "come on, robert, let's go stand under the maple tree and let her see whether she can see us." "if you're going to rehearse any momentous moment of your existence," said kate, "i shouldn't think of even being on the porch. i shall keep discreetly in the house, even going at once to bed. good-night! pleasant dreams!" "now we've made her angry," said robert. "i think there was 'a little touch of asperity,' as agatha would say, in that," said nancy ellen, "but kate has a good heart. she'll get over it before morning." "would agatha use such a common word as 'little'?" asked robert. "indeed, no!" said nancy ellen. "she would say 'infinitesimal.' but all the same he kissed her." "if she didn't step up and kiss him, never again shall i trust my eyes!" said the doctor. "hush!" cautioned nancy ellen. "she's provoked now; if she hears that, she'll never forgive us." kate did not need even a hint to start her talking in the morning. the day was fine, a snappy tinge of autumn in the air, her head and heart were full. nancy ellen would understand and sympathize; of course kate told her all there was to tell. "and even at that," said nancy ellen, "he hasn't just come out right square and said 'kate, will you marry me?' as i understand it." "same here," laughed kate. "he said he had to be sure about his mother, and there was 'one other thing' he'd write me about this week, and he'd come again next sunday; then if things were all right with me--the deluge!" "and what is 'the other thing?'" asked nancy ellen. "there he has me guessing. we had six, long, lovely weeks of daily association at the lake, i've seen his home, and his inventions, and as much of his business as is visible to the eye of a woman who doesn't know a tinker about business. his mother has told me minutely of his life, every day since he was born, i think. she insists that he never paid the slightest attention to a girl before, and he says the same, so there can't be any hidden ugly feature to mar my joy. he is thoughtful, quick, kind, a self-made business man. he looks well enough, he acts like a gentleman, he seldom makes a mistake in speech--" "he doesn't say enough to make any mistakes. i haven't yet heard him talk freely, give an opinion, or discuss a question," said nancy ellen. "neither have i," said kate. "he's very silent, thinking out more inventions, maybe. the worst thing about him is a kind of hard-headed self-assurance. he got it fighting for his mother from boyhood. he knew she would freeze and starve if he didn't take care of her; he had to do it. he soon found he could. it took money to do what he had to do. he got the money. then he began performing miracles with it. he lifted his mother out of poverty, he dressed her 'in purple and fine linen,' he housed her in the same kind of home other rich men of the lake shore drive live in, and gave her the same kind of service. as most men do, when things begin to come their way, he lived for making money alone. he was so keen on the chase he wouldn't stop to educate and culture himself; he drove headlong on, and on, piling up more, far more than any one man should be allowed to have; so you can see that it isn't strange that he thinks there's nothing on earth that money can't do. you can see that sticking out all over him. at the hotel, on boats, on the trains, anywhere we went, he pushed straight for the most conspicuous place, the most desirable thing, the most expensive. i almost prayed sometimes that in some way he would strike one single thing that he couldn't make come his way with money; but he never did. no. i haven't an idea what he has in his mind yet, but he's going to write me about it this week, and if i agree to whatever it is, he is coming sunday; then he has threatened me with a 'deluge,' whatever he means by that." "he means providing another teacher for walden, taking you to chicago shopping for a wonderful trousseau, marrying you in his lake shore palace, no doubt." "well, if that's what he means by a 'deluge,'" said kate, "he'll find the flood coming his way. he'll strike the first thing he can't do with money. i shall teach my school this winter as i agreed to. i shall marry him in the clothes i buy with what i earn. i shall marry him quietly, here, or at adam's, or before a justice of the peace, if neither of you wants me. he can't pick me up, and carry me away, and dress me, and marry me, as if i were a pauper." "you're right about it," said nancy ellen. "i don't know how we came to be so different. i should do at once any way he suggested to get such a fine-looking man and that much money. that it would be a humiliation to me all my after life, i wouldn't think about until the humiliation began, and then i'd have no way to protect myself. you're right! but i'd get out of teaching this winter if i could. i'd love to have you here." "but i must teach to the earn money for my outfit. i'll have to go back to school in the same old sailor." "don't you care," laughed nancy ellen. "we know a secret!" "that we do!" agreed kate. wednesday kate noticed nancy ellen watching for the boy robert had promised to send with the mail as soon as it was distributed, because she was, herself. twice thursday, kate hoped in vain that the suspense would be over. it had to end friday, if john were coming saturday night. she began to resent the length of time he was waiting. it was like him to wait until the last minute, and then depend on money to carry him through. "he is giving me a long time to think things over," kate said to nancy ellen when there was no letter in the afternoon mail thursday. "it may have been lost or delayed," said nancy ellen. "it will come to-morrow, surely." both of them saw the boy turn in at the gate friday morning. each saw that he carried more than one letter. nancy ellen was on her feet and nearer to the door; she stepped to it, and took the letters, giving them a hasty glance as she handed them to kate. "two," she said tersely. "one, with the address written in the clear, bold hand of a gentleman, and one, the straggle of a country clod-hopper." kate smiled as she took the letters: "i'll wager my hat, which is my most precious possession," she said, "that the one with the beautifully written address comes from the 'clod-hopper,' and the 'straggle' from the 'gentleman.'" she glanced at the stamping and addresses and smiled again: "so it proves," she said. "while i'm about it, i'll see what the 'clod-hopper' has to say, and then i shall be free to give my whole attention to the 'gentleman.'" "oh, kate, how can you!" cried nancy ellen. "way i'm made, i 'spect," said kate. "anyway, that's the way this is going to be done." she dropped the big square letter in her lap and ran her finger under the flap of the long, thin, beautifully addressed envelope, and drew forth several quite as perfectly written sheets. she read them slowly and deliberately, sometimes turning back a page and going over a part of it again. when she finished, she glanced at nancy ellen while slowly folding the sheets. "just for half a cent i'd ask you to read this," she said. "i certainly shan't pay anything for the privilege, but i'll read it, if you want me to," offered nancy ellen. "all right, go ahead," said kate. "it might possibly teach you that you can't always judge a man by appearance, or hastily; though just why george holt looks more like a 'clod-hopper' than adam, or hiram, or andrew, it passes me to tell." she handed nancy ellen the letter and slowly ripped open the flap of the heavy white envelope. she drew forth the sheet and sat an instant with it in her fingers, watching the expression of nancy ellen's face, while she read the most restrained yet impassioned plea that a man of george holt's nature and opportunities could devise to make to a woman after having spent several months in the construction of it. it was a masterly letter, perfectly composed, spelled, and written; for among his other fields of endeavour, george holt had taught several terms of country school, and taught them with much success; so that he might have become a fine instructor, had it been in his blood to stick to anything long enough to make it succeed. after a page as she turned the second sheet nancy ellen glanced at kate, and saw that she had not opened the creased page in her hands. she flamed with sudden irritation. "you do beat the band!" she cried. "you've watched for two days and been provoked because that letter didn't come. now you've got it, there you sit like a mummy and let your mind be so filled with this idiotic drivel that you're not ever reading john jardine's letter that is to tell you what both of us are crazy to know." "if you were in any mood to be fair and honest, you'd admit that you never read a finer letter than that," said kate. "as for this, i never was so afraid in all my life. look at that!" she threw the envelope in nancy ellen's lap. "that is the very first line of john jardine's writing i have ever seen," she said. "do you see anything about it to encourage me to go farther?" "you goose!" cried the exasperated nancy ellen. "i suppose he transacts so much business he scarcely ever puts pen to paper. what's the difference how he writes? look at what he is and what he does! go on and read his letter." kate arose and walked to the window, turning her back to nancy ellen, who sat staring at her, while she read john jardine's letter. once nancy ellen saw kate throw up her head and twist her neck as if she were choking; then she heard a great gulping sob down in her throat; finally kate turned and stared at her with dazed, incredulous eyes. slowly she dropped the letter, deliberately set her foot on it, and leaving the room, climbed the stairs. nancy ellen threw george holt's letter aside and snatched up john jardine's. she read: my derest kate: i am a day late with this becos as i told you i have no schooling and in writing a letter is where i prove it, so i never write them, but it was not fare to you for you not to know what kind of a letter i would write if i did write one, so here it is very bad no dout but the best i can possably do which has got nothing at all to do with my pashion for you and the aughful time i will have till i here from you. if you can stand for this telagraf me and i will come first train and we will forget this and i will never write another letter. with derest love from mother, and from me all the love of my hart. forever yours only, john jardine. the writing would have been a discredit to a ten-year-old schoolboy. nancy ellen threw the letter back on the floor; with a stiffly extended finger, she poked it into the position in which she thought she had found it, and slowly stepped back. "great god!" she said amazedly. "what does the man mean? where does that dainty and wonderful little mother come in? she must be a regular parasite, to take such ease and comfort for herself out of him, and not see that he had time and chance to do better than that for himself. kate will never endure it, never in the world! and by the luck of the very devil, there comes that school-proof thing in the same mail, from that abominable george holt, and kate reads it first. it's too bad! i can't believe it! what did his mother mean?" suddenly nancy ellen began to cry bitterly; between sobs she could hear kate as she walked from closet and bureau to her trunk which she was packing. the lid slammed heavily and a few minutes later kate entered the room dressed for the street. "why are you weeping?" she asked casually. her eyes were flaming, her cheeks scarlet, and her lips twitching. nancy ellen sat up and looked at her. she pointed to the letter: "i read that," she said. "well, what do i care?" said kate. "if he has no more respect for me than to write me such an insult as that, why should i have the respect for him to protect him in it? publish it in the paper if you want to." "kate, what are you going to do?" demanded nancy ellen. "three things," said kate, slowly putting on her long silk gloves. "first, i'm going to telegraph john jardine that i never shall see him again, if i can possibly avoid it. second, i'm going to send a drayman to get my trunk and take it to walden. third, i'm going to start out and walk miles, i don't know or care where; but in the end, i'm going to walden to clean the schoolhouse and get ready for my winter term of school." "oh, kate, you are such a fine teacher! teach him! don't be so hurried! take more time to think. you will break his heart," pleaded nancy ellen. kate threw out both hands, palms down. "p-a-s-h, a-u-g-h, h-a-r-t, d-o-u-t, d-e-r-e," she slowly spelled out the letters. "what about my heart and my pride? think i can respect that, or ask my children to respect it? but thank you and robert, and come after me as often as you can, as a mercy to me. if john persists in coming, to try to buy me, as he thinks he can buy anything he wants, you needn't let him come to walden; for probably i won't be there until i have to, and i won't see him, or his mother, so he needn't try to bring her in. say good-bye to robert for me." she walked from the house, head erect, shoulders squared, and so down the street from sight. in half an hour a truckman came for her trunk, so nancy ellen made everything kate had missed into a bundle to send with it. when she came to the letters, she hesitated. "i guess she didn't want them," she said. "i'll just keep them awhile and if she doesn't ask about them, the next time she comes, i'll burn them. robert must go after her every friday evening, and we'll keep her until monday, and do all we can to cheer her; and this very day he must find out all there is to know about that george holt. that is the finest letter i ever read; she does kind of stand up for him; and in the reaction, impulsive as she is and self-confident--of course she wouldn't, but you never can tell what kind of fool a girl will make of herself, in some cases." kate walked swiftly, finished two of the errands she set out to do, then her feet carried her three miles from hartley on the walden road, before she knew where she was, so she proceeded to the village. mrs. holt was not at home, but the house was standing open. kate found her room cleaned, shining, and filled with flowers. she paid the drayman, opened her trunk, and put away her dresses, laying out all the things which needed washing; then she bathed, put on heavy shoes, and old skirt and waist, and crossing the road sat in a secluded place in the ravine and looked stupidly at the water. she noticed that everything was as she had left it in the spring, with many fresher improvements, made, no doubt, to please her. she closed her eyes, leaned against a big tree, and slow, cold and hot shudders alternated in shaking her frame. she did not open her eyes when she heard a step and her name called. she knew without taking the trouble to look that george had come home, found her luggage in her room, and was hunting for her. she heard him come closer and knew when he seated himself that he was watching her, but she did not care enough even to move. finally she shifted her position to rest herself, opened her eyes, and looked at him without a word. he returned her gaze steadily, smiling gravely. she had never seen him looking so well. he had put in the summer grooming himself, he had kept up the house and garden, and spent all his spare time on the ravine, and farming on the shares with his mother's sister who lived three miles east of them. at last she roused herself and again looked at him. "i had your letter this morning," she said. "i was wondering about that," he replied. "yes, i got it just before i started," said kate. "are you surprised to see me?" "no," he answered. "after last year, we figured you might come the last of this week or the first of next, so we got your room ready monday." "thank you," said kate. "it's very clean and nice." "i hope soon to be able to offer you such a room and home as you should have," he said. "i haven't opened my office yet. it was late and hot when i got home in june and mother was fussing about this winter--that she had no garden and didn't do her share at aunt ollie's, so i have farmed most of the summer, and lived on hope; but i'll start in and make things fly this fall, and by spring i'll be sailing around with a horse and carriage like the best of them. you bet i am going to make things hum, so i can offer you anything you want." "you haven't opened an office yet?" she asked for the sake of saying something, and because a practical thing would naturally suggest itself to her. "i haven't had a breath of time," he said in candid disclaimer. "why don't you ask me what's the matter?" "didn't figure that it was any of my business in the first place," he said, "and i have a pretty fair idea, in the second." "but how could you have?" she asked in surprise. "when your sister wouldn't give me your address, she hinted that you had all the masculine attention you cared for; then tilly nepple visited town again last week and she had been sick and called dr. gray. she asked him about you, and he told what i fine time you had at chautauqua and chicago, with the rich new friends you'd made. i was watching for you about this time, and i just happened to be at the station in hartley last saturday when you got off the train with your fine gentleman, so i stayed over with some friends of mine, and i saw you several times sunday. i saw that i'd practically no chance with you at all; but i made up my mind i'd stick until i saw you marry him, so i wrote just as i would if i hadn't known there was another man in existence." "that was a very fine letter," said kate. "it is a very fine, deep, sincere love that i am offering you," said george holt. "of course i could see prosperity sticking out all over that city chap, but it didn't bother me much, because i knew that you, of all women, would judge a man on his worth. a rising young professional man is not to be sneered at, at least until he makes his start and proves what he can do. i couldn't get an early start, because i've always had to work, just as you've seen me last summer and this, so i couldn't educate myself so fast, but i've gone as fast and far as i could." kate winced. this was getting on places that hurt and to matters she well understood, but she was the soul of candour. "you did very well to educate yourself as you have, with no help at all," she said. "i've done my best in the past, i'm going to do marvels in the future, and whatever i do, it is all for you and yours for the taking," he said grandiosely. "thank you," said kate. "but are you making that offer when you can't help seeing that i'm in deep trouble?" "a thousand times over," he said. "all i want to know about your trouble is whether there is anything a man of my size and strength can do to help you." "not a thing," said kate, "in the direction of slaying a gay deceiver, if that's what you mean. the extent of my familiarities with john jardine consists in voluntarily kissing him twice last sunday night for the first and last time, once for himself, and once for his mother, whom i have since ceased to respect." george holt was watching her with eyes lynx-sharp, but kate never saw it. when she mentioned her farewell of sunday night, a queer smile swept over his face and instantly disappeared. "i should thing any girl might be permitted that much, in saying a final good-bye to a man who had shown her a fine time for weeks," he commented casually. "but i didn't know i was saying good-bye," explained kate. "i expected him back in a week, and that i would then arrange to marry him. that was the agreement we made then." as she began to speak, george holt's face flashed triumph at having led her on; at what she said it fell perceptibly, but he instantly controlled it and said casually: "in any event, it was your own business." "it was," said kate. "i had given no man the slightest encouragement, i was perfectly free. john jardine was courting me openly in the presence of his mother and any one who happened to be around. i intended to marry him. i liked him as much as any man need be liked. i don't know whether it was the same feeling nancy ellen had for robert gray or not, but it was a whole lot of feeling of some kind. i was satisfied with it, and he would have been. i meant to be a good wife to him and a good daughter to his mother, and i could have done much good in the world and extracted untold pleasure from the money he would have put in my power to handle. all was going 'merry as a marriage bell,' and then this morning came my waterloo, in the same post with your letter." "do you know what you are doing?" cried george holt, roughly, losing self-control with hope. "you are proving to me, and admitting to yourself, that you never loved that man at all. you were flattered, and tempted with position and riches, but your heart was not his, or you would be mighty sure of it, don't you forget that!" "i am not interested in analyzing exactly what i felt for him," said kate. "it made small difference then; it makes none at all now. i would have married him gladly, and i would have been to him all a good wife is to any man; then in a few seconds i turned squarely against him, and lost my respect for him. you couldn't marry me to him if he were the last and only man on earth; but it hurt terribly, let me tell you that!" george holt suddenly arose and went to kate. he sat down close beside her and leaned toward her. "there isn't the least danger of my trying to marry you to him," he said, "because i am going to marry you myself at the very first opportunity. why not now? why not have a simple ceremony somewhere at once, and go away until school begins, and forget him, having a good time by ourselves? come on, kate, let's do it! we can go stay with aunt ollie, and if he comes trying to force himself on you, he'll get what he deserves. he'll learn that there is something on earth he can't buy with his money." "but i don't love you," said kate. "neither did you love him," retorted george holt. "i can prove it by what you say. neither did you love him, but you were going to marry him, and use all his wonderful power of position and wealth, and trust to association to bring love. you can try that with me. as for wealth, who cares? we are young and strong, and we have a fine chance in the world. you go on and teach this year, and i'll get such a start that by next year you can be riding around in your carriage, proud as pompey." "of course we could make it all right, as to a living," said kate. "big and strong as we are, but--" then the torrent broke. at the first hint that she would consider his proposal george holt drew her to him and talked volumes of impassioned love to her. he gave her no chance to say anything; he said all there was to say himself; he urged that jardine would come, and she should not be there. he begged, he pleaded, he reasoned. night found kate sitting on the back porch at aunt ollie's with a confused memory of having stood beside the little stream with her hand in george holt's while she assented to the questions of a justice of the peace, in the presence of the school director and mrs. holt. she knew that immediately thereafter they had walked away along a hot, dusty country road; she had tried to eat something that tasted like salted ashes. she could hear george's ringing laugh of exultation breaking out afresh every few minutes; in sudden irritation at the latest guffaw she clearly remembered one thing: in her dazed and bewildered state she had forgotten to tell him that she was a prodigal daughter. chapter xiii the bride only one memory in the ten days that followed before her school began ever stood out clearly and distinctly with kate. that was the morning of the day after she married george holt. she saw nancy ellen and robert at the gate so she went out to speak with them. nancy ellen was driving, she held the lines and the whip in her hands. kate in dull apathy wondered why they seemed so deeply agitated. both of them stared at her as if she might be a maniac. "is this thing in the morning paper true?" cried nancy ellen in a high, shrill voice that made kate start in wonder. she did not take the trouble to evade by asking "what thing?" she merely made assent with her head. "you are married to that--that--" nancy ellen choked until she could not say what. "it's time to stop, since i am married to him," said kate, gravely. "you rushed in and married him without giving robert time to find out and tell you what everybody knows about him?" demanded nancy ellen. "i married him for what i knew about him myself," said kate. "we shall do very well." "do well!" cried nancy. "do well! you'll be hungry and in rags the rest of your life!" "don't, nancy ellen, don't!" plead robert. "this is kate's affair, wait until you hear what she has to say before you go further." "i don't care what she has to say!" cried nancy ellen. "i'm saying my say right now. this is a disgrace to the whole bates family. we may not be much, but there isn't a lazy, gambling, drunken loafer among us, and there won't be so far as i'm concerned." she glared at kate who gazed at her in wonder. "you really married this lout?" she demanded. "i told you i was married," said kate, patiently, for she saw that nancy ellen was irresponsible with anger. "you're going to live with him, you're going to stay in walden to live?" she cried. "that is my plan at present," said kate. "well, see that you stay there," said nancy ellen. "you can't bring that--that creature to my house, and if you're going to be his wife, you needn't come yourself. that's all i've got to say to you, you shameless, crazy--" "nancy ellen, you shall not!" cried robert gray, deftly slipping the lines from her fingers, and starting the horse full speed. kate saw nancy ellen's head fall forward, and her hands lifted to cover her face. she heard the deep, tearing sob that shook her, and then they were gone. she did not know what to do, so she stood still in the hot sunshine, trying to think; but her brain refused to act at her will. when the heat became oppressive, she turned back to the shade of a tree, sat down, and leaned against it. there she got two things clear after a time. she had married george holt, there was nothing to do but make the best of it. but nancy ellen had said that if she lived with him she should not come to her home. very well. she had to live with him, since she had consented to marry him, so she was cut off from robert and nancy ellen. she was now a prodigal, indeed. and those things nancy ellen had said--she was wild with anger. she had been misinformed. those things could not be true. "shouldn't you be in here helping aunt ollie?" asked george's voice from the front step where he seated himself with his pipe. "yes, in a minute," said kate, rising. "did you see who came?" "no. i was out doing the morning work. who was it?" he asked. "nancy ellen and robert," she answered. he laughed hilariously: "brought them in a hurry, didn't we? why didn't they come in?" "they came to tell me," said kate, slowly, "that if i had married you yesterday, as i did, that they felt so disgraced that i wasn't to come to their home again." "'disgraced?'" he cried, his colour rising. "well, what's the matter with me?" "not the things they said, i fervently hope." "well, they have some assurance to come out here and talk about me, and you've got as much to listen, and then come and tell me about it," he cried. "it was over in a minute," said kate. "i'd no idea what they were going to say. they said it, and went. oh, i can't spare nancy ellen, she's all i had!" kate sank down on the step and covered her face. george took one long look at her, arose, and walked out of hearing. he went into the garden and watched from behind a honeysuckle bush until he saw her finally lift her head and wipe her eyes; then he sauntered back, and sat down on the step beside her. "that's right," he said. "cry it out, and get it over. it was pretty mean of them to come out here and insult you, and tell any lie they could think up, and then drive away and leave you; but don't mind, they'll soon get over it. nobody ever keeps up a fuss over a wedding long." "nancy ellen never told a lie in her life," said kate. "she has too much self-respect. what she said she thought was true. my only chance is that somebody has told her a lie. you know best if they did." "of course they did," he broke in, glibly. "haven't you lived in the same house with me long enough to know me better than any one else does?" "you can live in the same house with people and know less about them than any one else, for that matter," said kate, "but that's neither here nor there. we're in this together, we got to get on the job and pull, and make a success out of it that will make all of them proud to be our friends. that's the only thing left for me. as i know the bates, once they make up their minds, they never change. with nancy ellen and father both down on me, i'm a prodigal for sure." "what?" he cried, loudly. "what? is your father in this, too? did he send you word you couldn't come home, either? this is a hell of a mess! speak up!" kate closed her lips, looked at him with deep scorn, and walked around the corner of the house. for a second he looked after her threateningly, then he sprang to his feet, and ran to her, catching her in his arms. "forgive me, dearest," he cried. "that took the wind out of my sails until i was a brute. you'd no business to say a thing like that. of course we can't have the old land king down on us. we've got to have our share of that land and money to buy us a fine home in hartley, and fix me up the kind of an office i should have. we'll borrow a rig and drive over to-morrow and fix things solid with the old folks. you bet i'm a star-spangled old persuader, look what i did with you--" "you stop!" cried kate, breaking from his hold. "you will drive me crazy! you're talking as if you married me expecting land and money from it. i haven't been home in a year, and my father would deliberately kill me if i went within his reach." "well, score one for little old scratchin', pickin', mammy!" he cried. "she said you had a secret!" kate stood very still, looking at him so intently that a sense of shame must have stirred in his breast. "look here, kate," he said, roughly. "mother did say you had a secret, and she hinted at christmas that the reason you didn't go home was because your folks were at outs with you, and you can ask her if i didn't tell her to shut up and leave you alone, that i was in love with you, and i'd marry you and we'd get along all right, even if you were barred from home, and didn't get a penny. i just dare you to ask her." "it's no matter," said kate, wearily. "i'd rather take your word." "all right, you take it, for that's the truth," he said. "but what was the rumpus? how did you come to have a racket with your old man?" "over my wanting to teach," said kate. then she explained in detail. "pother! don't you fret about that!" said george. "i'm taking care of you now, and i'll see that you soon get home and to grays', too; that's all buncombe. as for your share of your father's estate, you watch me get it! you are his child, and there is law!" "there's law that allows him to deed his land to his sons before he dies, and that is exactly what he has done," said kate. "the devil, you say!" shouted george holt, stepping back to stare at her. "you tell that at the insane asylum or the feeble minded home! i've seen the records! i know to the acre how much land stands in your father's name. don't try to work that on me, my lady." "i am not trying to work anything on you," said kate, dully, wondering to herself why she listened, why she went on with it. "i'm merely telling you. in father's big chest at the head of his bed at home lies a deed for two hundred acres of land for each of his seven sons, all signed and ready to deliver. he keeps the land in his name on record to bring him distinction and feed his vanity. he makes the boys pay the taxes, and ko-tow, and help with his work; he keeps them under control; but the land is theirs; none of the girls get a penny's worth of it!" george holt cleared his face with an effort. "well, we are no worse off than the rest of them, then," he said, trying to speak naturally and cheerfully. "but don't you ever believe it! little old georgie will sleep with this in his night cap awhile, and it's a problem he will solve if he works himself to death on it." "but that is father's affair," said kate. "you had best turn your efforts, and lie awake nights thinking how to make enough money to buy some land for us, yourself." "certainly! certainly! i see myself doing it!" laughed george holt. "and now, knowing how you feel, and feeling none to good myself, we are going to take a few days off and go upstream, fishing. i'll take a pack of comforts to sleep on, and the tackle and some food, and we will forget the whole bunch and go have a good time. there's a place, not so far away, where i have camped beside a spring since i was a little shaver, and it's quiet and cool. go get what you can't possibly exist without, nothing more." "but we must dig the potatoes," protested kate. "let them wait until we get back; it's a trifle early, anyway," he said. "stop objecting and get ready! i'll tell aunt ollie. we're chums. whatever i do is always all right with her. come on! this is our wedding trip. not much like the one you had planned, no doubt, but one of some kind." so they slipped beneath the tangle of vines and bushes, and, following the stream of the ravine, they walked until mid-afternoon, when they reached a spot that was very lovely, a clear, clean spring, grassy bank, a sheltered cave-in floored with clean sand, warm and golden. from the depths of the cave george brought an old frying pan and coffee pot. he spread a comfort on the sand of the cave for a bed, produced coffee, steak, bread, butter, and fruit from his load, and told kate to make herself comfortable while he got dinner. they each tried to make allowances for, and to be as decent as possible with, the other, with the result that before they knew it, they were having a good time; at least, they were keeping the irritating things they thought to themselves, and saying only the pleasant ones. after a week, which george enjoyed to the fullest extent, while kate made the best of everything, they put away the coffee pot and frying pan, folded the comforts, and went back to aunt ollie's for dinner; then to walden in the afternoon. because mrs. holt knew they would be there that day she had the house clean and the best supper she could prepare ready for them. she was in a quandary as to how to begin with kate. she heartily hated her. she had been sure the girl had a secret, now she knew it; for if she did not attend the wedding of her sister, if she had not been at home all summer, if her father and mother never mentioned her name or made any answer to any one who did, there was a reason, and a good reason. of course a man as rich as adam bates could do no wrong; whatever the trouble was, kate was at fault, she had done some terrible thing. "hidin' in the bushes!" spat mrs. holt. "hidin' in the bushes! marry a man who didn't know he was goin' to be married an hour before, unbeknownst to her folks, an' wouldn't even come in the house, an' have a few of the neighbours in. nice doin's for the school-ma'am! nice prospect for george." mrs. holt hissed like a copperhead, which was a harmless little creature compared with her, as she scraped, and slashed, and dismembered the chicken she was preparing to fry. she had not been able, even by running into each store in the village, and the post office, to find one person who would say a word against kate. the girl had laid her foundations too well. the one thing people could and did say was: "how could she marry george holt?" the worst of them could not very well say it to his mother. they said it frequently to each other and then supplied the true answers. "look how he spruced up after she came!" "look how he worked!" "look how he ran after and waited on her!" "look how nice he has been all summer!" plenty was being said in walden, but not one word of it was for the itching ears of mrs. holt. they had told her how splendid kate was, how they loved her, how glad they were that she was to have the school again, how fortunate her son was, how proud she should be, until she was almost bursting with repressed venom. she met them at the gate, after their week's camping. they were feeling in splendid health, the best spirits possible in the circumstances, but appearing dirty and disreputable. they were both laughing as they approached the gate. "purty lookin' bride you be!" mrs. holt spat at kate. "yes, aren't i?" laughed kate. "but you just give me a tub of hot soapsuds and an hour, and you won't know me. how are you? things look as if you were expecting us." "hump!" said mrs. holt. kate laughed and went into the house. george stepped in front of his mother. "now you look here," he said. "i know every nasty thing your mind has conjured up that you'd like to say, and have other folks say, about kate. and i know as well as if you were honest enough to tell me, that you haven't been able to root out one living soul who would say a single word against her. swallow your secret! swallow your suspicions! swallow your venom, and forget all of them. kate is as fine a woman as god ever made, and anybody who has common sense knows it. she can just make me, if she wants to, and she will; she's coming on fine, much faster and better than i hoped for. now you drop this! stop it! do you hear?" he passed her and hurried up the walk. in an hour, both george and kate had bathed and dressed in their very best. kate put on her prettiest white dress and george his graduation suit. then together they walked to the post office for their mail, which george had ordered held, before they left. carrying the bundle, they entered several stores on trifling errands, and then went home. they stopped and spoke to everyone. kate kissed all her little pupils she met, and told them to come to see her, and to be ready to help clean the schoolhouse in the morning. word flew over town swiftly. the teacher was back, wearing the loveliest dress, and nicer than ever, and she had invited folks to come to see her. kate and george had scarcely finished their supper, when the first pair of shy little girls came for their kisses and to bring "teacher" a bunch of flowers and a pretty pocket handkerchief from each. they came in flocks, each with flowers, most with a towel or some small remembrance; then the elders began to come, merchants with comforts, blankets, and towels, hardware men with frying pans, flat irons, and tinware. by ten o'clock almost everyone in walden had carried kate some small gift, wished her joy all the more earnestly, because they felt the chances of her ever having it were so small, and had gone their way, leaving her feeling better than she had thought possible. she slipped into her room alone and read two letters, one a few typewritten lines from john jardine, saying he had been at hartley, also at walden, and having found her married and gone, there was nothing for him to do but wish that the man she married had it in his heart to guard her life and happiness as he would have done. he would never cease to love her, and if at any time in her life there was anything he could do for her, would she please let him know. kate dropped the letter on her dresser, with a purpose, and let it lie there. the other was from robert. he said he was very sorry, but he could do nothing with nancy ellen at present. he hoped she would change later. if there was ever anything he could do, to let him know. kate locked that letter in her trunk. she wondered as she did so why both of them seemed to think she would need them in the future. she felt perfectly able to take care of herself. monday morning george carried kate's books to school for her, saw that she was started on her work in good shape, then went home, put on his old clothes, and began the fall work at aunt ollie's. kate, wearing her prettiest blue dress, forgot even the dull ache in her heart, as she threw herself into the business of educating those young people. she worked as she never had before. she seemed to have developed fresh patience, new perception, keener penetration; she made the dullest of them see her points, and interested the most inattentive. she went home to dinner feeling better. she decided to keep on teaching a few years until george was well started in his practice; if he ever got started. he was very slow in action it seemed to her, compared with his enthusiasm when he talked. chapter xiv starting married life for two weeks kate threw herself into the business of teaching with all her power. she succeeded in so interesting herself and her pupils that she was convinced she had done a wise thing. marriage did not interfere with her teaching; she felt capable and independent so long as she had her salary. george was working and working diligently, to prepare for winter, whenever she was present or could see results. with her first month's salary she would buy herself a warm coat, a wool suit, an extra skirt for school, and some waists. if there was enough left, she would have another real hat. then for the remainder of the year she would spend only for the barest necessities and save to help toward a home something like nancy ellen's. whenever she thought of nancy ellen and robert there was a choking sensation in her throat, a dull ache where she had been taught her heart was located. for two weeks everything went as well as kate hoped: then mrs. holt began to show the results of having been partially bottled up, for the first time in her life. she was careful to keep to generalities which she could claim meant nothing, if anything she said was taken up by either george or kate. george was too lazy to quarrel unless he was personally angered; kate thought best to ignore anything that did not come in the nature of a direct attack. so long as mrs. holt could not understand how some folks could see their way to live off of other folks, or why a girl who had a chance to marry a fortune would make herself a burden to a poor man, kate made the mistake of ignoring her. thus emboldened she soon became personal. it seemed as if she spent her spare time and mental force thinking up suggestive, sarcastic things to say, where kate could not help hearing them. she paid no attention unless the attack was too mean and premeditated; but to her surprise she found that every ugly, malicious word the old woman said lodged in her brain and arose to confront her at the most inopportune times--in the middle of a recitation or when she roused enough to turn over in her bed at night. the more vigorously she threw herself into her school work, the more she realized a queer lassitude, creeping over her. she kept squaring her shoulders, lifting her chin, and brushing imaginary cobwebs from before her face. the final friday evening of the month, she stopped at the post office and carried away with her the bill for her leghorn hat, mailed with nicely conceived estimate as to when her first check would be due. kate visited the trustee, and smiled grimly as she slipped the amount in an envelope and gave it to the hack driver to carry to hartley on his trip the following day. she had intended all fall to go with him and select a winter headpiece that would be no discredit to her summer choice, but a sort of numbness was in her bones; so she decided to wait until the coming week before going. she declined george's pressing invitation to go along to aunt ollie's and help load and bring home a part of his share of their summer's crops, on the ground that she had some work to prepare for the coming week. then kate went to her room feeling faint and heavy. she lay there most of the day, becoming sorrier for herself, and heavier every passing hour. by morning she was violently ill; when she tried to leave her bed, dizzy and faint. all day she could not stand. toward evening, she appealed to george either to do something for her himself, or to send for the village doctor. he asked her a few questions and then, laughing coarsely, told her that a doctor would do her no good, and that it was very probable that she would feel far worse before she felt better. kate stared at him in dumb wonder. "but my school!" she cried. "my school! i must be able to go to school in the morning. could that spring water have been infected with typhus? i've never been sick like this before." "i should hope not!" said george. and then he told her bluntly what caused her trouble. kate had been white to begin with, now she slowly turned greenish as she gazed at him with incredulous eyes. then she sprang to her feet. "but i can't be ill!" she cried. "i can't! there is my school! i've got to teach! oh, what shall i do?" george had a very clear conception of what she could do, but he did not intend to suggest it to her. she could think of it, and propose it herself. she could not think of anything at that minute, because she fainted, and fell half on the bed, half in his arms as he sprang to her. he laid her down, and stood a second smiling triumphantly at her unheeding face. "easy snap for you this winter, georgie, my boy!" he muttered. "i don't see people falling over each other to get to you for professional services, and it's hard work anyway. zonoletics are away above the head of these country ignoramuses; blue mass and quinine are about their limit." he took his time to bathe kate's face. presently she sat up, then fell on the pillow again. "better not try that!" warned george. "you'll hurt yourself, and you can't make it. you're out of the game; you might as well get used to it." "i won't be out of the game!" cried kate. "i can't be! what will become of my school? oh, george, could you possibly teach for me, only for a few days, until i get my stomach settled?" "why, i'd like to help you," he said, "but you see how it is with me. i've got my fall work finished up, and i'm getting ready to open my office next week. i'm going to rent that nice front room over the post office." "but, george, you must," said kate. "you've taught several terms. you've a license. you can take it until this passes. if you have waited from june to october to open your office, you can wait a few more days. suppose you open the office and patients don't come, or we haven't the school; what would we live on? what would i buy things with, and pay doctor bills?" "why didn't you think of that before you got married? what was your rush, anyway? i can't figure it to save my soul," he said. "george, the school can't go," she cried. "if what you say is true, and i suspect it is, i must have money to see me through." "then set your wits to work and fix things up with your father," he said casually. kate arose tall and straight, standing unwaveringly as she looked at him in blazing contempt. "so?" she said. "this is the kind of man you are? i'm not so helpless as you think me. i have a refuge. i know where to find it. you'll teach my school until i'm able to take it myself, if the trustee and patrons will allow you, or i'll sever my relations with you as quickly as i formed them. you have no practice; i have grave doubts if you can get any; this is our only chance for the money we must have this winter. go ask the trustee to come here until i can make arrangements with him." then she wavered and rolled on the bed again. george stood looking at her between narrowed eyelids. "tactics i use with mother don't go with you, old girl," he said to himself. "thing of fire and tow, stubborn as an ox; won't be pushed a hair's breadth; old bates over again--alike as two peas. but i'll break you, damn you, i'll break you; only, i want that school. lots easier than kneading somebody's old stiff muscles, while the money is sure. oh, i go after the trustee, all right!" he revived kate, and telling her to keep quiet, and not excite herself, he explained that it was a terrible sacrifice to him to put off opening his office any longer; she must forgive him for losing self-control when he thought of it; but for her dear sake he would teach until she was better--possibly she would be all right in a few days, and then she could take her work again. because she so devoutly hoped it, kate made that arrangement with the trustee. monday, she lay half starved, yet gagging and ill, while george went to teach her school. as she contemplated that, she grew sicker than she had been before. when she suddenly marshalled all the facts she knew of him, she stoutly refused to think of what nancy ellen had said; when she reviewed his character and disposition, and thought of him taking charge of the minds of her pupils, kate suddenly felt she must not allow that to happen, she must not! then came another thought, even more personal and terrible, a thought so disconcerting she mercifully lost consciousness again. she sent for the village doctor, and found no consolation from her talk with him. she was out of the school; that was settled. no harpy ever went to its meat with one half the zest mrs. holt found in the situation. with kate so ill she could not stand on her feet half the time, so ill she could not reply, with no spirit left to appeal to george, what more could be asked? mrs. holt could add to every grievance she formerly had, that of a sick woman in the house for her to wait on. she could even make vile insinuations to kate, prostrate and helpless, that she would not have dared otherwise. she could prepare food that with a touch of salt or sugar where it was not supposed to be, would have sickened a well person. one day george came in from school and saw a bowl of broth sitting on a chair beside kate's bed. "can't you drink it?" he asked. "do, if you possibly can," he urged. "you'll get so weak you'll be helpless." "i just can't," said kate. "things have such a sickening, sweetish taste, or they are bitter, or sour; not a thing is as it used to be. i simply can't!" a curious look crept over george's face. he picked up the bowl and tasted the contents. instantly his face went black; he started toward the kitchen. kate heard part of what happened, but she never lifted her head. after a while he came back with more broth and a plate of delicate toast. "try this," he said. "i made it myself." kate ate ravenously. "that's good!" she cried. "i'll tell you what i'm going to do," he said. "i'm going to take you out to aunt ollie's for a week after school to-night. want to go?" "yes! oh, yes!" cried kate. "all right," he said. "i know where i can borrow a rig for an hour. get ready if you are well enough, if you are not, i'll help you after school." that week with aunt ollie remained a bright spot in kate's memory. the october days were beginning to be crisp and cool. food was different. she could sleep, she could eat many things aunt ollie knew to prepare especially; soon she could walk and be outdoors. she was so much better she wrote george a note, asking him to walk out and bring her sewing basket, and some goods she listed, and in the afternoons the two women cut and sewed quaint, enticing little garments. george found kate so much better when he came that he proposed she remain another week. then for the first time he talked to her about her theory of government and teaching, until she realized that the school director had told him he was dissatisfied with him--so george was trying to learn her ways. appalled at what might happen if he lost the school, kate made notes, talked at length, begged him to do his best, and to come at once if anything went wrong. he did come, and brought the school books so she went over the lessons with him, and made marginal notes of things suggested to her mind by the text, for him to discuss and elucidate. the next time he came, he was in such good spirits she knew his work had been praised, so after that they went over the lessons together each evening. thinking of what would help him also helped fill her day. he took her home, greatly improved, in much better spirits, to her room, cleaned and ready for winter, with all of her things possible to use in place, so that it was much changed, prettier, and more convenient. as they drove in she said of him: "george, what about it? did your mother purposely fix my food so i could not eat it?" "oh, i wouldn't say that," he said. "you know neither of you is violently attached to the other. she'll be more careful after this, i'm sure she will." "why, have you been sick?" asked kate as soon as she saw mrs. holt. she seemed so nervous and appeared so badly kate was sorry for her; but she could not help noticing how she kept watch on her son. she seemed to keep the width of the room and a piece of furniture between them, while her cooking was so different that it was not in the least necessary for george to fix things for kate himself, as he had suggested. everything was so improved, kate felt better. she began to sew, to read, to sit for long periods in profound thought, then to take walks that brought back her strength and colour. so through the winter and toward the approach of spring they lived in greater comfort. with kate's help, george was doing so well with the school that he was frequently complimented by the parents. that he was trying to do good work and win the approval of both pupils and parents was evident to kate. once he said to her that he wondered if it would be a good thing for him to put in an application for the school the coming winter. kate stared at him in surprise: "but your profession," she objected. "you should be in your office and having enough practice to support us by then." "yes, i should!" he said. "but this is a new thing, and you know how these clodhoppers are." "if i came as near living in the country, and worked at farming as much as you do, that's the last thing i would call any human being," said kate. "i certainly do know how they are, and what i know convinces me that you need not look to them for any patients." "you seem to think i won't have any from any source," he said hotly. "i confess myself dubious," said kate. "you certainly are, or you wouldn't be talking of teaching." "well, i'll just show you!" he cried. "i'm waiting," said kate. "but as we must live in the meantime, and it will be so long before i can earn anything again, and so much expense, possibly it would be a good idea to have the school to fall back on, if you shouldn't have the patients you hope for this summer. i think you have done well with the school. do your level best until the term closes, and you may have a chance." laughing scornfully, he repeated his old boast: "i'll just show you!" "go ahead," said kate. "and while you are at it, be generous. show me plenty. but in the meantime, save every penny you can, so you'll be ready to pay the doctor's bills and furnish your office." "i love you advice; it's so batesy," he said. "i have money saved for both contingencies you mention, but i'll tell you what i think, and about this i'm the one who knows. i've told you repeatedly winter is my best time. i've lost the winter trying to help you out; and i've little chance until winter comes again. it takes cold weather to make folks feel what ails their muscles, and my treatment is mostly muscular. to save so we can get a real start, wouldn't it be a good idea for you to put part of your things in my room, take what you must have, and fix mother's bedroom for you, let her move her bed into her living room, and spare me all you can of your things to fix up your room for my office this summer. that would save rent, it's only a few steps from downtown, and when i wasn't busy with patients, i could be handy to the garden, and to help you." "if your mother is willing, i'll do my share," said kate, "although the room's cramped, and where i'll put the small party when he comes i don't know, but i'll manage someway. the big objection to it is that it will make it look to people as if it were a makeshift, instead of starting a real business." "real," was the wrong word. it was the red rag that started george raging, until to save her self-respect, kate left the room. later in the day he announced that his mother was willing, she would clean the living room and move in that day. how kate hated the tiny room with its one exterior wall, only one small window, its scratched woodwork, and soiled paper, she could not say. she felt physically ill when she thought of it, and when she thought of the heat of the coming summer, she wondered what she would do; but all she could do was to acquiesce. she made a trip downtown and bought a quart of white paint and a few rolls of dainty, fresh paper. she made herself ill with turpentine odours in giving the woodwork three coats, and fell from a table almost killing herself while papering the ceiling. there was no room for her trunk; the closet would not hold half her clothes; her only easy chair was crowded out; she was sheared of personal comfort at a clip, just at a time when every comfort should have been hers. george ordered an operating table, on which to massage his patients, a few other necessities, and in high spirits, went about fixing up his office and finishing his school. he spent hours in the woodshed with the remainder of kate's white paint, making a sign to hang in front of the house. he was so pathetically anxious for a patient, after he had put his table in place, hung up his sign, and paid for an announcement in the county paper and the little walden sheet, that kate was sorry for him. on a hot july morning mrs. holt was sweeping the front porch when a forlorn specimen of humanity came shuffling up the front walk and asked to see dr. holt. mrs. holt took him into the office and ran to the garden to tell george his first patient had come. his face had been flushed from pulling weeds, but it paled perceptibly as he started to the back porch to wash his hands. "do you know who it is, mother?" he asked. "it's that old peter mines," she said, "an' he looks fit to drop." "peter mines!" said george. "he's had about fifty things the matter with him for about fifty years." "then you're a made man if you can even make him think he feels enough better so's he'll go round talking about it," said mrs. holt, shrewdly. george stood with his hands dripping water an instant, thinking deeply. "well said for once, old lady," he agreed. "you are just exactly right." he hurried to his room, and put on his coat. "a patient that will be a big boom for me," he boasted to kate as he went down the hall. mrs. holt stood listening at the hall door. kate walked around the dining room, trying to occupy herself. presently cringing groans began to come from the room, mingling with george's deep voice explaining, and trying to encourage the man. then came a wild shriek and then silence. kate hurried out to the back walk and began pacing up and down in the sunshine. she did not know it, but she was praying. a minute later george's pallid face appeared at the back door: "you come in here quick and help me," he demanded. "what's the matter?" asked kate. "he's fainted. his heart, i think. he's got everything that ever ailed a man!" he said. "oh, george, you shouldn't have touched him," said kate. "can't you see it will make me, if i can help him! even mother could see that," he cried. "but if his heart is bad, the risk of massaging him is awful," said kate as she hurried after george. kate looked at the man on the table, ran her hand over the heart region, and lifted terrified eyes to george. "do you think--?" he stammered. "sure of it!" she said, "but we can try. bring your camphor bottle, and some water," she cried to mrs. holt. for a few minutes, they worked frantically. then kate stepped back. "i'm scared, and i don't care who knows it," she said. "i'm going after dr. james." "no, you are not!" cried george. "you just hold yourself. i'll have him out in a minute. begin at his feet and rub the blood up to his heart." "they are swollen to a puff, he's got no circulation," said kate. "oh, george, how could you ever hope to do anything for a man in this shape, with muscular treatment?" "you keep still and rub, for god's sake," he cried, frantically. "can't you see that i am ruined if he dies on this table?" "no, i can't," said kate. "everybody would know that he was practically dying when he came here. nobody will blame you, only, you never should have touched him! george, i am going after dr. james." "well, go then," he said wildly. kate started. mrs. holt blocked the doorway. "you just stop, missy!" she cried. "you're away too smart, trying to get folks in here, and ruin my george's chances. you just stay where you are till i think what to do, to put the best face on this!" "he may not be really gone! the doctor might save him!" cried kate. mrs. holt looked long at the man. "he's deader 'an a doornail," she said. "you stay where you are!" kate picked her up by the shoulders, set her to one side, ran from the room and down the street as fast as possible. she found the doctor in his office with two patients. she had no time to think or temporize. "get your case and come to our house quick, doctor," she cried. "an old man they call peter mines came to see george, and his heart has failed. please hurry!" "heart, eh?" said the doctor. "well, wait a minute. no use to go about a bad heart without digitalis." he got up and put on his hat, told the men he would be back soon, and went to the nearest drug store. kate followed. the men who had been in the office came also. "doctor, hurry!" she panted. "i'm so frightened." "you go to some of the neighbours, and stay away from there," he said. "hurry!" begged kate. "oh, do hurry!" she was beside him as they sped down the street, and at his shoulder as they entered the room. with one glance she lurched against the casing and then she plunged down the hall, entered her room, closed the door behind her, and threw herself on the bed. she had only a glance, but in that glance she had seen peter mines sitting fully clothed, his hat on his head, his stick in his hands, in her easy chair; the operating table folded and standing against the wall; mrs. holt holding the camphor bottle to peter's nose, while george had one hand over peter's heart, the other steadying his head. the doctor swung the table in place, and with george's help laid peter on it, then began tearing open his clothes. as they worked the two men followed into the house to see if they could do anything and excited neighbours began to gather. george and his mother explained how peter had exhausted himself walking two miles from the country that hot morning, how he had entered the office, tottering with fatigue, and had fallen in the chair in a fainting condition. everything was plausible until a neighbour woman, eager to be the centre of attention for a second, cried: "yes, we all see him come more'n an hour ago; and when he begin to let out the yells we says to each other, 'there! george has got his first patient, sure!' an' we all kind of waited to see if he'd come out better." the doctor looked at her sharply: "more than an hour ago?" he said. "you heard cries?" "yes, more'n a good hour ago. yes, we all heard him yell, jist once, good and loud!" she said. the doctor turned to george. before he could speak his mother intervened. "that was our kate done the yellin'," she said. "she was scart crazy from the start. he jest come in, and set in the chair and he's been there ever since." "you didn't give him any treatment, holt?" asked the doctor. again mrs. holt answered: "never touched him! hadn't even got time to get his table open. wa'n't nothing he could 'a' done for him anyway. peter was good as gone when he got here. his fool folks never ought 'a' let him out this hot day, sick as he was." the doctor looked at george, at his mother, long at peter. "he surely was too sick to walk that far in this heat," he said. "but to make sure, i'll look him over. george, you help me. clear the room of all but these two men." he began minutely examining peter's heart region. then he rolled him over and started to compress his lungs. long white streaks marked the puffy red of the swollen, dropsical flesh. the doctor examined the length of the body, and looked straight into george holt's eyes. "no use," he said. "bill, go to the 'phone in my office, and tell coroner smith to get here from hartley as soon as he can. all that's left to do here is to obey the law, and have a funeral. better some of the rest of you go tell his folks. i've done all i can do. it's up to the coroner now. the rest of you go home, and keep still till he comes." when he and george were left alone he said tersely: "of course you and your mother are lying. you had this man stripped, he did cry out, and he did die from the pain of the treatment you tried to give him, in his condition. by the way, where's your wife? this is a bad thing for her right now. come, let's find her and see what state she is in." together they left the room and entered kate's door. as soon as the doctor was busy with her, george slipped back into the closed room, rolled peter on his back and covered him, in the hope that the blood would settle until it would efface the marks of his work before the coroner arrived. by that time the doctor was too busy to care much what happened to peter mines; he was a poor old soul better off as he was. across kate's unconscious body he said to george holt: "i'm going to let the coroner make what he pleases out of this, solely for your wife's sake. but two things: take down that shingle. take it down now, and never put it up again if you want me to keep still. i'll give you what you paid for that table. it's a good one. get him out as soon as you can. set him in another room. i've got to have mrs. holt where i can work. and send sarah nepple here to help me. move fast! this is going to be a close call. and the other thing: i've heard you put in an application for our school this winter. withdraw it! now move!" so they set peter in the living room, cleaned kate's room quickly, and moved in her bed. by the time the coroner arrived, the doctor was too busy to care what happened. on oath he said a few words that he hoped would make life easier for kate, and at the same time pass muster for truth; told the coroner what witnesses to call; and gave an opinion as to peter's condition. he also added that he was sure peter's family would be very glad he was to suffer no more, and then he went back to kate who was suffering entirely too much for safety. then began a long vigil that ended at midnight with kate barely alive and sarah nepple, the walden mid-wife, trying to divide a scanty wardrobe between a pair of lusty twins. chapter xv a new idea kate slowly came back to consciousness. she was conscious of her body, sore from head to foot, with plenty of pain in definite spots. her first clear thought was that she was such a big woman; it seemed to her that she filled the room, when she was one bruised ache from head to heels. then she became conscious of a moving bundle on the bed beside her, and laid her hand on it to reassure herself. the size and shape of the bundle were not reassuring. "oh, lord!" groaned kate. "haven't you any mercy at all? it was your advice i followed when i took wing and started out in life." a big sob arose in her throat, while at the same time she began to laugh weakly. dr. james heard her from the hall and entered hastily. at the sight of him, kate's eyes filled with terrified remembrance. her glance swept the room, and rested on her rocking chair. "take that out of here!" she cried. "take it out, split it into kindling wood, and burn it." "all right," said dr. james calmly. "i'll guarantee that you never see it again. is there anything else you want?" "you--you didn't--?" the doctor shook his head. "very sorry," he said, "but there wasn't a thing could be done." "where is he?" she asked in a whisper. "his people took him home immediately after the coroner's inquest, which found that he died from heart failure, brought on by his long walk in the heat." kate stared at him with a face pitiful to behold. "you let him think that?" she whispered again. "i did," said the old doctor. "i thought, and still think, that for the sake of you and yours," he waved toward the bundle, "it was the only course to pursue." "thank you," said kate. "you're very kind. but don't you think that i and mine are going to take a lot of shielding? the next man may not be so kindly disposed. besides, is it right? is it honest?" "it is for you," said the doctor. "you had nothing to do with it. if you had, things would not have gone as they did. as for me, i feel perfectly comfortable about it in my conscience, which is my best guide. all i had to do was to let them tell their story. i perjured myself only to the extent of testifying that you knew nothing about it. the coroner could well believe that. george and his mother could easily manage the remainder." kate waved toward the bundle: "am i supposed to welcome and love them?" "a poet might expect you to," said the doctor. "in the circumstances, i do not. i shall feel that you have done your whole duty if you will try to nurse them when the time comes. you must have a long rest, and they must grow some before you'll discover what they mean to you. there's always as much chance that they'll resemble your people as that they will not. the boy will have dark hair and eyes i think, but he looks exactly like you. the girl is more holt." "where is george?" she asked. "he was completely upset," said the doctor. "i suggested that he go somewhere to rest up a few days, so he took his tackle and went fishing, and to the farm." "shouldn't he have stayed and faced it?" asked kate. "there was nothing for him to face, except himself, kate," said the doctor. kate shook her head. she looked ghastly ill. "doctor," she said, "couldn't you have let me die?" "and left your son and your little daughter to them?" he asked. "no, kate, i couldn't have let you die; because you've your work in the world under your hand right now." he said that because when he said "left your son and your little daughter to them," kate had reached over and laid her hand possessively, defensively, on the little, squirming bundle, which was all dr. james asked of her. presently she looked the doctor straight in the face. "exactly what do you know?" she asked. "everything," said the doctor. "and you?" "everything," said kate. there was a long silence. then kate spoke slowly: "that george didn't know that he shouldn't have touched that man, proves him completely incompetent," she said. "that he did, and didn't have the courage to face the results, proves him lacking in principle. he's not fit for either work to which he aspires." "you are talking too much," said the doctor. "nurse nepple is in charge here, and aunt ollie. george's mother went to the farm to cook for him. you're in the hands of two fine women, who will make you comfortable. you have escaped lasting disgrace with your skirts clear, now rest and be thankful." "i can't rest until i know one thing," said kate. "you're not going to allow george to kill any one else?" "no," said the doctor. "i regretted telling him very much; but i had to tell him that could not happen." "and about the school?" she asked. "i half thought he might get it." "he won't!" said the doctor. "i'm in a position to know that. now try to take some rest." kate waved toward the babies: "will you please take them away until they need me?" she asked. "of course," said the doctor. "but don't you want to see them, kate? there isn't a mark or blemish on either of them. the boy weighs seven pounds and the girl six; they seem as perfect as children can be." "you needn't worry about that," said kate. "twins are a bates habit. my mother had three pairs, always a boy and a girl, always big and sound as any children; mine will be all right, too." the doctor started to turn back the blanket. kate turned her head away: "don't you think i have had about enough at present?" she asked. "i'd stake my life that as a little further piece of my punishment, the girl looks exactly like mrs. holt." "by jove," said the doctor, "i couldn't just think who it was." he carried the babies from the room, lowered the blinds, and kate tried to sleep, and did sleep, because she was so exhausted she could not keep awake. later in the evening aunt ollie slipped in, and said george was in the woodhouse, almost crying himself to death, and begging to see her. "you tell him i'm too sick to be seen for at least a week," said kate. "but, my dear, he's so broken up; he feels so badly," begged aunt ollie. "so do i," said kate. "i feel entirely too badly to be worried over seeing him. i must take the babies now." "i do wish you would!" persisted aunt ollie. "well, i won't," said kate. "i don't care if i never see him again. he knows why he is crying; ask him." "i'll wager they ain't a word of truth in that tale they're telling," she said. kate looked straight at her: "well, for their sakes and my sake, and the babies' sake, don't talk about it." "you poor thing!" said aunt ollie, "i'll do anything in the world to help you. if ever you need me, just call on me. i'll go start him back in a hurry." he came every night, but kate steadily refused, until she felt able to sit up in a chair, to see him, or his mother when she came to see the babies. she had recovered rapidly, was over the painful part of nursing the babies, and had a long talk with aunt ollie, before she consented to see george. at times she thought she never could see him again; at others, she realized her helplessness. she had her babies to nurse for a year; there was nothing she could think of she knew to do, that she could do, and take proper care of two children. she was tied "hand and foot," as aunt ollie said. and yet it was aunt ollie who solved her problem for her. sitting beside the bed one day she said to kate: "my dear, do you know that i'm having a mighty good time? i guess i was lonesomer than i thought out there all alone so much, and the work was nigh to breaking me during the long, cold winter. i got a big notion to propose somepin' to you that might be a comfort to all of us." "propose away," said kate. "i'm at my wit's end." "well, what would you think of you and george taking the land, working it on the shares, and letting me have this room, an' live in walden, awhile?" kate sat straight up in bed: "oh, aunt ollie! would you?" she cried. "would you? that would be a mercy to me; it would give george every chance to go straight, if there is a straight impulse in him." "yes, i will," said aunt ollie, "and you needn't feel that i am getting the little end of the bargain, either. the only unpleasant thing about it will be my sister, and i'll undertake to manage her. i read a lot, an' i can always come to see you when mortal sperrits will bear her no more. she'll be no such trial to me, as she is to you." "you're an angel," said kate. "you've given me hope where i had not a glimmer. if i have george out there alone, away from his mother, i can bring out all the good there is in him, and we can get some results out of life, or i can assure myself that it is impossible, so that i can quit with a clear conscience. i do thank you." "all right, then, i'll go out and begin packing my things, and see about moving this afternoon. i'll leave my stoves, and beds, and tables, and chairs for you; you can use your wedding things, and be downright comfortable. i'll like living in town a spell real well." so once more kate saw hope a beckoning star in the distance, and ruffled the wings of the spirit preparatory to another flight: only a short, humble flight this time, close earth; but still as full of promise as life seemed to hold in any direction for her. she greeted george casually, and as if nothing had happened, when she was ready to see him. "you're at the place where words are not of the slightest use to me," she said. "i'm giving you one, and a final chance to act. this seems all that is open to us. go to work like a man, and we will see what we can make of our last chance." kate was so glad when she sat in the carriage that was to take her from the house and the woman she abominated that she could scarcely behave properly. she clasped adam tightly in her arms, and felt truly his mother. she reached over and tucked the blanket closer over polly, but she did not carry her, because she resembled her grandmother, while adam was a bates. george drove carefully. he was on behaviour too good to last, but fortunately both women with him knew him well enough not to expect that it would. when they came in sight of the house, kate could see that the grass beside the road had been cut, the trees trimmed, and oh, joy, the house freshly painted a soft, creamy white she liked, with a green roof. aunt ollie explained that she furnished the paint and george did the work. he had swung oblong clothes baskets from the ceiling of a big, cheery, old-fashioned bedroom for a cradle for each baby, and established himself in a small back room adjoining the kitchen. kate said nothing about the arrangement, because she supposed it had been made to give her more room, and that george might sleep in peace, while she wrestled with two tiny babies. there was no doubt about the wrestling. the babies seemed of nervous temperament, sleeping in short naps and lightly. kate was on her feet from the time she reached her new home, working when she should not have worked; so that the result developed cross babies, each attacked with the colic, which raged every night from six o'clock until twelve and after, both frequently shrieking at the same time. george did his share by going to town for a bottle of soothing syrup, which kate promptly threw in the creek. once he took adam and began walking the floor with him, extending his activities as far as the kitchen. in a few minutes he had the little fellow sound asleep and he did not waken until morning; then he seemed to droop and feel listless. when he took the baby the second time and made the same trip to the kitchen, kate laid polly on her bed and silently followed. she saw george lay the baby on the table, draw a flask from his pocket, pour a spoon partly full, filling it the remainder of the way from the teakettle. as he was putting the spoon to the baby's lips, kate stepped beside him and taking it, she tasted the contents. then she threw the spoon into the dishpan standing near and picked up the baby. "i knew it!" she said. "only i didn't know what. he acted like a drugged baby all last night and to-day. since when did you begin carrying that stuff around with you, and feeding it to tiny babies?" "it's a good thing. dr. james recommended it. he said it was harmful to let them strain themselves crying, and very hard on you. you could save yourself a lot," he urged. "i need saving all right," said kate, "but i haven't a picture of myself saving myself by drugging a pair of tiny babies." he slipped the bottle back in his pocket. kate stood looking at him so long and so intently, he flushed and set the flask on a shelf in the pantry. "it may come in handy some day when some of us have a cold," he said. kate did her best, but she was so weakened by nursing both of the babies, by loss of sleep, and overwork in the house, that she was no help whatever to george in getting in the fall crops and preparing for spring. she had lost none of her ambition, but there was a limit to her capacity. in the spring the babies were big and lusty, eating her up, and crying with hunger, until she was forced to resort to artificial feeding in part, which did not agree with either of them. as a saving of time and trouble she decided to nurse one and feed the other. it was without thought on her part, almost by chance, yet the chance was that she nursed adam and fed polly. then the babies began teething, so that she was rushed to find time to prepare three regular meals a day, and as for the garden and poultry she had planned, george did what he pleased about them, which was little, if anything. he would raise so much to keep from being hungry, he would grow so many roots, and so much cabbage for winter, he would tend enough corn for a team and to fatten pork; right there he stopped and went fishing, while the flask was in evidence on the pantry shelf only two days. kate talked crop rotation, new seed, fertilization, until she was weary; george heartily agreed with her, but put nothing of it all into practice. "as soon as the babies are old enough to be taken out," she said, "things will be better. i just can't do justice to them and my work, too. three pairs! my poor mother! and she's alive yet! i marvel at it." so they lived, and had enough to eat, and were clothed, but not one step did they advance toward kate's ideals of progression, economy, accumulation. george always had a little money, more than she could see how he got from the farming. there were a few calves and pigs to sell occasionally; she thought possibly he saved his share from them. for four years, kate struggled valiantly to keep pace with what her mother always had done, and had required of her at home; but she learned long before she quit struggling that farming with george was hopeless. so at last she became so discouraged she began to drift into his way of doing merely what would sustain them, and then reading, fishing, or sleeping the remainder of the time. she began teaching her children while very small, and daily they had their lessons after dinner, while their father slept. kate thought often of what was happening to her; she hated it, she fought it; but with george holt for a partner she could not escape it. she lay awake nights, planning ways to make a start toward prosperity; she propounded her ideas at breakfast. to save time in getting him early to work she began feeding the horses as soon as she was up, so that george could go to work immediately after breakfast; but she soon found she might as well save her strength. he would not start to harness until he had smoked, mostly three quarters of an hour. that his neighbours laughed at him and got ahead of him bothered him not at all. all they said and all kate said, went, as he expressed it, "in at one ear, out at the other." one day in going around the house kate was suddenly confronted by a thing she might have seen for three years, but had not noticed. leading from the path of bare, hard-beaten earth that ran around the house through the grass, was a small forking path not so wide and well defined, yet a path, leading to george's window. she stood staring at it a long time with a thoughtful expression on her face. that night she did not go to bed when she went to her room. instead she slipped out into the night and sitting under a sheltering bush she watched that window. it was only a short time until george crawled from it, went stealthily to the barn, and a few minutes later she saw him riding barebacked on one of the horses he had bridled, down the footpath beside the stream toward town. she got up and crossing the barnyard shut the gate after him, and closed the barn door. she went back to the house and closed his window and lighting a lamp set it on his dresser in front of his small clock. his door was open in the morning when she passed it on her way to the kitchen, so she got breakfast instead of feeding the horses. he came in slowly, furtively watching her. she worked as usual, saying no unpleasant word. at length he could endure it no longer. "kate," he said, "i broke a bolt in the plow yesterday, and i never thought of it until just as i was getting into bed, so to save time i rode in to walden and got another last night. ain't i a great old economist, though?" "you are a great something," she said. "'economist' would scarcely be my name for it. really, george, can't you do better than that?" "better than what?" he demanded. "better than telling such palpable lies," she said. "better than crawling out windows instead of using your doors like a man; better than being the most shiftless farmer of your neighbourhood in the daytime, because you have spend most of your nights, god and probably all walden know how. the flask and ready money i never could understand give me an inkling." "anything else?" he asked, sneeringly. "nothing at present," said kate placidly. "i probably could find plenty, if i spent even one night in walden when you thought i was asleep." "go if you like," he said. "if you think i'm going to stay here, working like a dog all day, year in and year out, to support a daughter of the richest man in the county and her kids, you fool yourself. if you want more than you got, call on your rich folks for it. if you want to go to town, either night or day, go for all i care. do what you damn please; that's what i am going to do in the future and i'm glad you know it. i'm tired climbing through windows and slinking like a dog. i'll come and go like other men after this." "i don't know what other men you are referring to," said kate. "you have a monopoly of your kind in this neighbourhood; there is none other like you. you crawl and slink as 'to the manner born.'" "don't you go too far," he menaced with an ugly leer. "keep that for your mother," laughed kate. "you need never try a threat with me. i am stronger than you are, and you may depend upon it i shall see that my strength never fails me again. i know now that you are all nancy ellen said you were." "well, if you married me knowing it, what are you going to do about it?" he sneered. "i didn't know it then. i thought i knew you. i thought she had been misinformed," said kate, in self-defence. "well," he said insultingly, "if you hadn't been in such a big hurry, you could soon have found out all you wanted to know. i took advantage of it, but i never did understand your rush." "you never will," said kate. then she arose and went to see if the children had wakened. all day she was thinking so deeply she would stumble over the chairs in her preoccupation. george noticed it, and it frightened him. after supper he came and sat on the porch beside her. "kate," he said, "as usual you are 'making mountains out of mole hills.' it doesn't damn a fellow forever to ride or walk, i almost always walk, into town in the evening, to see the papers and have a little visit with the boys. work all day in a field is mighty lonesome; a man has got the have a little change. i don't deny a glass of beer once in awhile, or a game of cards with the boys occasionally; but if you have lived with me over five years here, and never suspected it before, it can't be so desperately bad, can it? come now, be fair!" "it's no difference whether i am fair or unfair," kate said, wearily. "it explains why you simply will not brace up, and be a real man, and do a man's work in the world, and achieve a man's success." "who can get anywhere, splitting everything in halves?" he demanded. "the most successful men in this neighbourhood got their start exactly that way," she said. "ah, well, farming ain't my job, anyway," he said. "i always did hate it. i always will. if i could have a little capital to start with, i know a trick that would suit you, and make us independent in no time." kate said no word, and seeing she was not going to, he continued: "i've thought about this till i've got it all down fine, and it's a great scheme; you'll admit that, even angry as you are. it is this: get enough together to build a saw mill on my strip of ravine. a little damming would make a free water power worth a fortune. i could hire a good man to run the saw and do the work, and i could take a horse and ride, or drive around among the farmers i know, and buy up timber cheaper than most men could get it. i could just skin the eyes out of them." "did it ever occur to you that you could do better by being honest?" asked kate, wearily. "aw, well, smarty! you know i didn't mean that literally!" he scoffed. "you know i only meant i could talk, and jolly, and buy at bed-rock prices; i know where to get the timber, and the two best mill men in the country; we are near the railroad; it's the dandiest scheme that ever struck walden. what do you think about it?" "i think if adam had it he'd be rich from it in ten years," she said, quietly. "then you do think it's a bully idea," he cried. "you would try it if we had a chance?" "i might," said kate. "you know," he cried, jumping up in excitement, "i've never mentioned this to a soul, but i've got it all thought out. would you go to see your brother adam, and see if you could get him to take an interest for young adam? he could manage the money himself." "i wouldn't go to a relative of mine for a cent, even if the children were starving," said kate. "get, and keep, that clear in your head." "but you think there is something in it?" he persisted. "i know there is," said kate with finality. "in the hands of the right man, and with the capital to start." "kate, you can be the meanest," he said. "i didn't intend to be, in this particular instance," she said. "but honestly, george, what have i ever seen of you in the way of financial success in the past that would give me hope for the future?" "i know it," he said, "but i've never struck exactly the right thing. this is what i could make a success of, and i would make a good big one, you bet! kate, i'll not go to town another night. i'll stop all that." he drew the flask from his pocket and smashed it against the closest tree. "and i'll stop all there ever was of that, even to a glass of beer on a hot day; if you say so, if you'll stand by me this once more, if i fail this time, i'll never ask you again; honest, i won't." "if i had money, i'd try it, keeping the building in my own name and keeping the books myself; but i've none, and no way to get any, as you know," she said. "i can see what could be done, but i'm helpless." "i'm not!" said george. "i've got it all worked out. you see i was doing something useful with my head, if i wasn't always plowing as fast as you thought i should. if you'll back me, if you'll keep books, if you'll handle the money until she is paid back, i know aunt ollie will sell enough of this land to build the mill and buy the machinery. she could keep the house, and orchard, and barn, and a big enough piece, say forty acres, to live on and keep all of us in grub. she and mother could move out here--she said the other day she was tired of town and getting homesick--and we could go to town to put the children in school, and be on the job. i won't ever ask you and mother to live together again. kate, will you go in with me? will you talk to aunt ollie? will you let me show you, and explain, and prove to you?" "i won't be a party to anything that would even remotely threaten to lose aunt ollie's money for her," she said. "she's got nobody on earth but me. it's all mine in the end. why not let me have this wonderful chance with it? kate, will you?" he begged. "i'll think about it," she conceded. "if i can study out a sure, honourable way. i'll promise to think. now go out there, and hunt the last scrap of that glass; the children may cut their feet in the morning." then kate went in to bed. if she had looked from her window, she might have seen george scratching matches and picking pieces of glass from the grass. when he came to the bottom of the bottle with upstanding, jagged edges, containing a few drops, he glanced at her room, saw that she was undressing in the dark, and lifting it, he poured the liquid on his tongue to the last drop that would fall. chapter xvi the work of the sun before kate awakened the following morning george was out feeding the horses, cattle, and chickens, doing the milking, and working like the proverbial beaver. by the time breakfast was ready, he had convinced himself that he was a very exemplary man, while he expected kate to be convinced also. he stood ready and willing to forgive her for every mean deceit and secret sin he ever had committed, or had it in his heart to commit in the future. all the world was rosy with him, he was flying with the wings of hope straight toward a wonderful achievement that would bring pleasure and riches, first to george holt, then to his wife and children, then to the old aunt he really cared more for than any one else. incidentally, his mother might have some share, while he would bring such prosperity and activity to the village that all walden would forget every bad thing it had ever thought or known of him, and delight to pay him honour. kate might have guessed all this when she saw the pails full of milk on the table, and heard george whistling "hail the conquering hero comes," as he turned the cows into the pasture; but she had not slept well. most of the night she had lain staring at the ceiling, her brain busy with calculations, computations, most of all with personal values. she dared not be a party to anything that would lose aunt ollie her land; that was settled; but if she went into the venture herself, if she kept the deeds in aunt ollie's name, the bank account in hers, drew all the checks, kept the books, would it be safe? could george buy timber as he thought; could she, herself, if he failed? the children were old enough to be in school now, she could have much of the day, she could soon train polly and adam to do even more than sweep and run errands; the scheme could be materialized in the bates way, without a doubt; but could it be done in a bates way, hampered and impeded by george holt? was the plan feasible, after all? she entered into the rosy cloud enveloping the kitchen without ever catching the faintest gleam of its hue. george came to her the instant he saw her and tried to put his arm around her. kate drew back and looked at him intently. "aw, come on now, kate," he said. "leave out the heroics and be human. i'll do exactly as you say about everything if you will help me wheedle aunt ollie into letting me have the money." kate stepped back and put out her hands defensively: "a rare bargain," she said, "and one eminently worthy of you. you'll do what i say, if i'll do what you say, without the slightest reference as to whether it impoverishes a woman who has always helped and befriended you. you make me sick!" "what's biting you now?" he demanded, sullenly. kate stood tall and straight before and above him "if you have a good plan, if you can prove that it will work, what is the necessity for 'wheedling' anybody? why not state what you propose in plain, unequivocal terms, and let the dear, old soul, who has done so much for us already, decide what she will do?" "that's what i meant! that's all i meant!" he cried. "in that case, 'wheedle' is a queer word to use." "i believe you'd throw up the whole thing; i believe you'd let the chance to be a rich woman slip through your fingers, if it all depended on your saying only one word you thought wasn't quite straight," he cried, half in assertion, half in question. "i honour you in that belief," said kate. "i most certainly would." "then you turn the whole thing down? you won't have anything to do with it?" he cried, plunging into stoop-shouldered, mouth-sagging despair. "oh, i didn't say that!" said kate. "give me time! let me think! i've got to know that there isn't a snare in it, from the title of the land to the grade of the creek bed. have you investigated that? is your ravine long enough and wide enough to dam it high enough at our outlet to get your power, and yet not back water on the road, and the farmers above you? won't it freeze in winter? and can you get strong enough power from water to run a large saw? i doubt it!" "oh, gee! i never thought about that!" he cried. "and if it would work, did you figure the cost of a dam into your estimate of the building and machinery?" he snapped his fingers in impatience. "by heck!" he cried, "i forgot that, too! but that wouldn't cost much. look what we did in that ravine just for fun. why, we could build that dam ourselves!" "yes, strong enough for conditions in september, but what about the january freshet?" she said. "croak! croak! you blame old raven," cried george. "and have you thought," continued kate, "that there is no room on the bank toward town to set your mill, and it wouldn't be allowed there, if there were?" "you bet i have!" he said defiantly. "i'm no such slouch as you think me. i've even stepped off the location!" "then," said kate, "will you build a bridge across the ravine to reach it, or will you buy a strip from linn and build a road?" george collapsed with a groan. "that's the trouble with you," said kate. "you always build your castle with not even sand for a foundation. the most nebulous of rosy clouds serve you as perfectly as granite blocks. before you go glimmering again, double your estimate to cover a dam and a bridge, and a lot of incidentals that no one ever seems able to include in a building contract. and whatever you do, keep a still head until we get these things figured, and have some sane idea of what the venture would cost." "how long will it take?" he said sullenly. "i haven't an idea. i'd have to go the hartley and examine the records and be sure that there was no flaw in the deeds to the land; but the first thing is to get a surveyor and know for sure if you have a water-power that will work and not infringe on your neighbours. a thing like this can't be done in a few minutes' persuasive conversation. it will take weeks." it really seemed as if it would take months. kate went to walden that afternoon, set the children playing in the ravine while she sketched it, made the best estimate she could of its fall, and approved the curve on the opposite bank which george thought could be cleared for a building site and lumber yard. then she added a location for a dam and a bridge site, and went home to figure and think. the further she went in these processes the more hopeless the project seemed. she soon learned that there must be an engine with a boiler to run the saw. the dam could be used only to make a pond to furnish the water needed; but at that it would be cheaper than to dig a cistern or well. she would not even suggest to aunt ollie to sell any of the home forty. the sale of the remainder at the most hopeful price she dared estimate would not bring half the money needed, and it would come in long-time payments. lumber, bricks, machinery, could not be had on time of any length, while wages were cash every saturday night. "it simply can't be done," said kate, and stopped thinking about it, so far as george knew. he was at once plunged into morose moping; he became sullen and indifferent about the work, ugly with kate and the children, until she was driven almost frantic, and projects nearly as vague as some of george's began to float through her head. one saturday morning kate had risen early and finished cleaning up her house, baking, and scrubbing porches. she had taken a bath to freshen and cool herself and was standing before her dresser, tucking the last pins in her hair, when she heard a heavy step on the porch and a loud knock on the screen door. she stood at an angle where she could peep; she looked as she reached for her dress. what she saw carried her to the door forgetful of the dress. adam, jr., stood there, white and shaken, steadying himself against the casing. "adam!" cried kate. "is mother--?" he shook his head. "father--?" she panted. he nodded, seeming unable to speak. kate's eyes darkened and widened. she gave adam another glance and opened the door. "come in," she said. "when did it happen? how did he get hurt?" in that moment she recalled that she had left her father in perfect health, she had been gone more than seven years. in that time he could not fail to illness; how he had been hurt was her first thought. as she asked the question, she stepped into her room and snatched up her second best summer dress, waiting for adam to speak as she slipped into it. but speaking seemed to be a very difficult thing for adam. he was slow in starting and words dragged and came singly: "yesterday--tired--big dinner--awful hot--sunstroke--" "he's gone?" she cried. adam nodded in that queer way again. "why did you come? does mother want me?" the questions leaped from kate's lips; her eyes implored him. adam was too stricken to heed his sister's unspoken plea. "course," he said. "all there--your place--i want you. only one in the family--not stark mad!" kate straightened tensely and looked at him again. "all right," she said. "i can throw a few things in my telescope, write the children a note to take to their father in the field, and we can stop in walden and send aunt ollie out to cook for them; i can go as well as not, for as long as mother wants me." "hurry!" said adam. in her room kate stood still a second, her eyes narrow, her underlip sucked in, her heart almost stopped. then she said aloud: "father's sons have wished he would die too long for his death to strike even the most tolerant of them like that. something dreadful has happened. i wonder to my soul--!" she waited until they were past hartley and then she asked suddenly: "adam, what is the matter?" then adam spoke: "i am one of a pack of seven poor fools, and every other girl in the family has gone raving mad, so i thought i'd come after you, and see if you had sense, or reason, or justice, left in you." "what do you want of me?" she asked dazedly. "i want you to be fair, to be honest, to do as you'd be done by. you came to me when you were in trouble," he reminded her. kate could not prevent the short laugh that sprang to her lips, nor what she said: "and you would not lift a finger; young adam made his mother help me. why don't you go to george for what you want?" adam lost all self-control and swore sulphurously. "i thought you'd be different," he said, "but i see you are going to be just like the rest of the--!" "stop that!" said kate. "you're talking about my sisters--and yours. stop this wild talk, and tell me exactly what is the matter." "i'm telling nothing," said adam. "you can find out what is the matter and go it with the rest of them, when you get there. mother said this morning she wished you were there, because you'd be the only sane one in the family, so i thought i'd bring you; but i wish now i hadn't done it, for it stands to reason that you will join the pack, and run as fast as the rest of the wolves." "from a prairie fire, or to a carcass?" asked kate. "i told you, you could find out when you got there. i'm not going to have them saying i influenced you, or bribed you," he said. "do you really think that they think you could, adam?" asked kate, wonderingly. "i have said all i'm going to say," said adam, and then he began driving his horse inhumanely fast, for the heat was deep, slow, and burning. "adam, is there any such hurry?" asked kate. "you know you are abusing your horse dreadfully." adam immediately jerked the horse with all his might, and slashed the length of its body with two long stripes that rapidly raised in high welts, so kate saw that he was past reasoning with and said no other word. she tried to think who would be at home, how they would treat her, the prodigal, who had not been there in seven years; and suddenly it occurred to kate that, if she had known all she now knew in her youth, and had the same decision to make again as when she knew nothing, she would have taken wing, just as she had. she had made failures, she had hurt herself, mind and body, but her honour, her self-respect were intact. suddenly she sat straight. she was glad that she had taken a bath, worn a reasonably decent dress, and had a better one in the back of the buggy. she would cut the gordian knot with a vengeance. she would not wait to see how they treated her, she would treat them! as for adam's state, there was only one surmise she could make, and that seemed so incredible, she decided to wait until her mother told her all about whatever the trouble was. as they came in sight of the house, queer feelings took possession of kate. she struggled to think kindly of her father; she tried to feel pangs of grief over his passing. she was too forthright and had too good memory to succeed. home had been so unbearable that she had taken desperate measures to escape it, but as the white house with its tree and shrub filled yard could be seen more plainly, kate suddenly was filled with the strongest possessive feeling she ever had known. it was home. it was her home. her place was there, even as adam had said. she felt a sudden revulsion against herself that she had stayed away seven years; she should have taken her chances and at least gone to see her mother. she leaned from the buggy and watched for the first glimpse of the tall, gaunt, dark woman, who had brought their big brood into the world and stood squarely with her husband, against every one of them, in each thing he proposed. now he was gone. no doubt he had carried out his intentions. no doubt she was standing by him as always. kate gathered her skirts, but adam passed the house, driving furiously as ever, and he only slackened speed when he was forced to at the turn from the road to the lane. he stopped the buggy in the barnyard, got out, and began unharnessing the horse. kate sat still and watched him until he led it away, then she stepped down and started across the barnyard, down the lane leading to the dooryard. as she closed the yard gate and rounded a widely spreading snowball bush, her heart was pounding wildly. what was coming? how would the other boys act, if adam, the best balanced man of them all, was behaving as he was? how would her mother greet her? with the thought, kate realized that she was so homesick for her mother that she would do or give anything in the world to see her. then there was a dragging step, a short, sharp breath, and wheeling, kate stood facing her mother. she had come from the potato patch back of the orchard, carrying a pail of potatoes in each hand. her face was haggard, her eyes bloodshot, her hair falling in dark tags, her cheeks red with exertion. they stood facing each other. at the first glimpse kate cried, "oh, mother," and sprang toward her. then she stopped, while her heart again failed her, for from the astonishment on her mother's face, kate saw instantly that she was surprised, and had neither sent for nor expected her. she was nauseatingly disappointed. adam had said she was wanted, had been sent for. kate's face was twitching, her lips quivering, but she did not hesitate more than an instant. "i see you were not expecting me," she said. "i'm sorry. adam came after me. i wouldn't have come if he hadn't said you sent for me." kate paused a minute hopefully. her mother looked at her steadily. "i'm sorry," kate repeated. "i don't know why he said that." by that time the pain in her heart was so fierce she caught her breath sharply, and pressed her hand hard against her side. her mother stooped, set down the buckets, and taking off her sunbonnet, wiped the sweat from her lined face with the curtain. "well, i do," she said tersely. "why?" demanded kate. "to see if he could use you to serve his own interests, of course," answered her mother. "he lied good and hard when he said i sent for you; i didn't. i probably wouldn't a-had the sense to do it. but since you are here, i don't mind telling you that i never was so glad to see any one in all my born days." mrs. bates drew herself full height, set her lips, stiffened her jaw, and again used the bonnet skirt on her face and neck. kate picked up the potatoes, to hide the big tears that gushed from her eyes, and leading the way toward the house she said: "come over here in the shade. why should you be out digging potatoes?" "oh, they's enough here, and willing enough," said mrs. bates. "slipped off to get away from them. it was the quietest and the peacefullest out there, kate. i'd most liked to stay all day, but it's getting on to dinner time, and i'm short of potatoes." "never mind the potatoes," said kate. "let the folks serve themselves if they are hungry." she went to the side of the smoke house, picked up a bench turned up there, and carrying it to the shady side of a widely spreading privet bush, she placed it where it would be best screened from both house and barn. then setting the potatoes in the shade, she went to her mother, put her arm around her, and drew her to the seat. she took her handkerchief and wiped her face, smoothed back her straggled hair, and pulling out a pin, fastened the coil better. "now rest a bit," she said, "and then tell me why you are glad to see me, and exactly what you'd like me to do here. mind, i've been away seven years, and adam told me not a word, except that father was gone." "humph! all missed the mark again," commented mrs. bates dryly. "they all said he'd gone to fill you up, and get you on his side." "mother, what is the trouble?" asked kate. "take your time and tell me what has happened, and what you want, not what adam wants." mrs. bates relaxed her body a trifle, but gripped her hands tightly together in her lap. "well, it was quick work," she said. "it all came yesterday afternoon just like being hit by lightning. pa hadn't failed a particle that any one could see. ate a big dinner of ham an' boiled dumplings, an' him an' hiram was in the west field. it was scorchin' hot an' first hiram saw, pa was down. sam langley was passin' an' helped get him in, an' took our horse an' ran for robert. he was in the country but sam brought another doctor real quick, an' he seemed to fetch pa out of it in good shape, so we thought he'd be all right, mebby by morning, though the doctor said he'd have to hole up a day or two. he went away, promisin' to send robert back, and hiram went home to feed. i set by pa fanning him an' putting cloths on his head. all at once he began to chill. "we thought it was only the way a-body was with sunstroke, and past pilin' on blankets, we didn't pay much attention. he said he was all right, so i went to milk. before i left i gave him a drink, an' he asked me to feel in his pants pocket an' get the key an' hand him the deed box, till he'd see if everything was right. said he guessed he'd had a close call. you know how he was. i got him the box and went to do the evening work. i hurried fast as i could. coming back, clear acrost the yard i smelt burning wool, an' i dropped the milk an' ran. i dunno no more about just what happened 'an you do. the house was full of smoke. pa was on the floor, most to the sitting-room door, his head and hair and hands awfully burned, his shirt burned off, laying face down, and clear gone. the minute i seen the way he laid, i knew he was gone. the bed was pourin' smoke and one little blaze about six inches high was shootin' up to the top. i got that out, and then i saw most of the fire was smothered between the blankets where he'd thrown them back to get out of the bed. i dunno why he fooled with the lamp. it always stood on the little table in his reach, but it was light enough to read fine print. all i can figure is that the light was going out of his eyes, an' he thought it was gettin' dark, so he tried to light the lamp to see the deeds. he was fingerin' them when i left, but he didn't say he couldn't see them. the lamp was just on the bare edge of the table, the wick way up an' blackened, the chimney smashed on the floor, the bed afire." "those deeds are burned?" gasped kate. "all of them? are they all gone?" "every last one," said mrs. bates. "well, if one is gone, thank god they all are," said kate. her mother turned swiftly and caught her arm. "say that again!" she cried eagerly. "maybe i'm wrong about it, but it's what i think," said kate. "if the boys are crazy over all of them being gone, they'd do murder if part had theirs, and the others had not." mrs. bates doubled over on kate's shoulder suddenly and struggled with an inward spasm. "you poor thing," said kate. "this is dreadful. all of us know how you loved him, how you worked together. can you think of anything i can do? is there any special thing the matter?" "i'm afraid!" whispered mrs. bates. "oh, katie, i'm so afraid. you know how set he was, you know how he worked himself and all of us--he had to know what he was doing, when he fought the fire till the shirt burned off him"--her voice dropped to a harsh whisper--"what do you s'pose he's doing now?" any form of religious belief was a subject that never had been touched upon or talked of in the bates family. money was their god, work their religion; kate looked at her mother curiously. "you mean you believe in after life?" she asked. "why, i suppose there must be something," she said. "i think so myself," said kate. "i always have. i think there is a god, and that father is facing him now, and finding out for the first time in his experience that he is very small potatoes, and what he planned and slaved for amounted to nothing, in the scheme of the universe. i can't imagine father being subdued by anything on earth, but it appeals to me that he will cut a pathetic figure before the throne of an almighty god." a slow grin twisted mrs. bates' lips. "well, wherever he went," she said, "i guess he found out pretty quick that he was some place at last where he couldn't be boss." "i'm very sure he has," said kate, "and i am equally sure the discipline will be good for him. but his sons! his precious sons! what are they doing?" "taking it according to their bent," said mrs. bates. "adam is insane, hiram is crying." "have you had a lawyer?" asked kate. "what for? we all know the law on this subject better than we know our a, b, c's." "did your deed for this place go, too?" asked kate. "yes," said mrs. bates, "but mine was recorded, none of the others were. i get a third, and the rest will be cut up and divided, share and share alike, among all of you, equally. i think it's going to kill adam and ruin andrew." "it won't do either. but this is awful. i can see how the boys feel, and really, mother, this is no more fair to them than things always have been for the girls. by the way, what are they doing?" "same as the boys, acting out their natures. mary is openly rejoicing. so is nancy ellen. hannah and bertha at least can see the boys' side. the others say one thing before the boys and another among themselves. in the end the girls will have their shares and nobody can blame them. i don't myself, but i think pa will rise from his grave when those farms are torn up." "don't worry," said kate. "he will have learned by now that graves are merely incidental, and that he has no option on real estate where he is. leave him to his harp, and tell me what you want done." "i want you to see that it was all accidental. i want you to take care of me. i want you should think out the fair thing for all of us to do. i want you to keep sane and cool-headed and shame the others into behaving themselves. and i want you to smash down hard on their everlasting, 'why didn't you do this?' and 'why didn't you do that?' i reckon i've been told five hundred times a-ready that i shouldn't a-give him the deeds. josie say it, an' then she sings it. not give them to him! how could i help giving them to him? he'd a-got up and got them himself if i hadn't--" "you have cut out something of a job for me," said kate, "but i'll do my best. anyway, i can take care of you. come on into the house now, and let me clean you up, and then i'll talk the rest of them into reason, if you stand back of me, and let them see i'm acting for you." "you go ahead," said mrs. bates. "i'll back whatever you say. but keep them off of me! keep them off of me!" after kate had bathed her mother, helped her into fresh clothes, and brushed her hair, she coaxed her to lie down, and by diplomatic talk and stroking her head, finally soothed her to sleep. then she went down and announced the fact, asked them all to be quiet, and began making her way from group to group in an effort to restore mental balance and sanity. after kate had invited all of them to go home and stay until time for the funeral sunday morning, and all of them had emphatically declined, and eagerly had gone on straining the situation to the breaking point, kate gave up and began setting the table. when any of them tried to talk or argue with her she said conclusively: "i shall not say one word about this until monday. then we will talk things over, and find where we stand, and what mother wants. this would be much easier for all of us, if you'd all go home and calm down, and plan out what you think would be the fair and just thing to do." before evening kate was back exactly where she left off, for when mrs. bates came downstairs, her nerves quieted by her long sleep, she asked kate what would be best about each question that arose, while kate answered as nearly for all of them as her judgment and common sense dictated; but she gave the answer in her own way, and she paved the way by making a short, sharp speech when the first person said in her hearing that "mother never should have given him the deeds." not one of them said that again, while at kate's suggestion, mentally and on scraps of paper, every single one of them figured that one third of sixteen hundred and fifty was five hundred and fifty; subtracted from sixteen hundred and fifty this left one thousand one hundred, which, divided by sixteen, gave sixty-eight and three fourths. this result gave josie the hysterics, strong and capable though she was; made hiram violently ill, so that he resorted to garden palings for a support; while agatha used her influence suddenly, and took adam, jr., home. as she came to kate to say that they were going, agatha was white as possible, her thin lips compressed, a red spot burning on either cheek. "adam and i shall take our departure now, katherine," she said, standing very stiffly, her head held higher than kate ever had thought it could be lifted. kate put her arm around her sister-in-law and gave her a hearty hug: "tell adam i'll do what i think is fair and just; and use all the influence i have to get the others to do the same," she said. "fruitless!" said agatha. "fruitless! reason and justice have departed from this abode. i shall hasten my pace, and take adam where my influence is paramount. the state of affairs here is deplorable, perfectly deplorable! i shall not be missed, and i shall leave my male offspring to take the place of his poor, defrauded father." adam, 3d, was now a tall, handsome young man of twenty-two, quite as fond of kate as ever. he wiped the dishes, and when the evening work was finished, they talked with mrs. bates until they knew her every wish. the children had planned for a funeral from the church, because it was large enough to seat the family and friends in comfort; but when they mentioned this to mrs. bates, she delivered an ultimatum on the instant: "you'll do no such thing!" she cried. "pa never went to that church living; i'll not sanction his being carried there feet first, when he's helpless. and we'll not scandalize the neighbours by fighting over money on sunday, either. you'll all come monday morning, if you want anything to say about this. if you don't, i'll put through the business in short order. i'm sick to my soul of the whole thing. i'll wash my hands of it as quick as possible." so the families all went to their homes; kate helped her mother to bed; and then she and adam, 3d, tried to plan what would be best for the morrow; afterward they sat down and figured until almost dawn. "there's no faintest possibility of pleasing everyone," said kate. "the level best we can do is to devise some scheme whereby everyone will come as nearly being satisfied as possible." "can aunt josie and aunt mary keep from fighting across the grave?" asked adam. "only heaven knows," said kate. chapter xvii the banner hand sunday morning kate arose early and had the house clean and everything ready when the first carriage load drove into the barnyard. as she helped her mother to dress, mrs. bates again evidenced a rebellious spirit. nancy ellen had slipped upstairs and sewed fine white ruching in the neck and sleeves of her mother's best dress, her only dress, in fact, aside from the calicoes she worked in. kate combed her mother's hair and drew it in loose waves across her temples. as she produced the dress, mrs. bates drew back. "what did you stick them gew-gaws onto my dress for?" she demanded. "i didn't," said kate. "oh, it was nancy ellen! well, i don't see why she wanted to make a laughing stock of me," said mrs. bates. "she didn't!" said kate. "everyone is wearing ruching now; she wanted her mother to have what the best of them have." "humph!" said mrs. bates. "well, i reckon i can stand it until noon, but it's going to be a hot dose." "haven't you a thin black dress, mother?" asked kate. "no," said mrs. bates, "i haven't; but you can make a pretty safe bet that i will have one before i start anywhere again in such weather as this." "that's the proper spirit," said kate. "there comes andrew. let me put your bonnet on." she set the fine black bonnet nancy ellen had bought on mrs. bates' head at the proper angle and tied the long, wide silk ribbon beneath her chin. mrs. bates sat in martyr-like resignation. kate was pleased with her mother's appearance. "look in the mirror," she said. "see what a handsome lady you are." "i ain't seen in a looking-glass since i don't know when," said mrs. bates. "why should i begin now? chances are 'at you have rigged me up until i'll set the neighbours laughing, or else to saying that i didn't wait until the breath was out of pa's body to begin primping." "nonsense, mother," said kate. "nobody will say or think anything. everyone will recognize nancy ellen's fine spencerian hand in that bonnet and ruching. now for your veil!" mrs. bates arose from her chair, and stepped back. "there, there, katie!" she said. "you've gone far enough. i'll be sweat to a lather in this dress; i'll wear the head-riggin', because i've go to, or set the neighbours talkin' how mean pa was not to let me have a bonnet; and between the two i'd rather they'd take it out on me than on him." she steadied herself by the chair back and looked kate in the eyes. "pa was always the banner hand to boss everything," she said. "he was so big and strong, and so all-fired sure he was right, i never contraried him in the start, so before i knowed it, i was waiting for him to say what to do, and then agreeing with him, even when i knowed he was wrong. so goin' we got along fine, but it give me an awful smothered feeling at times." kate stood looking at her mother intently, her brain racing, for she was thinking to herself: "good lord! she means that to preserve the appearance of self-respect she systematically agreed with him, whether she thought he was right or wrong; because she was not able to hold her own against him. nearly fifty years of life like that!" kate tossed the heavy black crepe veil back on the bed. "mother," she said, "here alone, and between us, if i promise never to tell a living soul, will you tell me the truth about that deed business?" mrs. bates seemed so agitated kate added: "i mean how it started. if you thought it was right and a fair thing to do." "yes, i'll tell you that," said mrs. bates. "it was not fair, and i saw it; i saw it good and plenty. there was no use to fight him; that would only a-drove him to record them, but i was sick of it, an' i told him so." kate was pinning her hat. "i have planned for you to walk with adam," she said. "well, you can just change that plan, so far as i am concerned," said mrs. bates with finality. "i ain't a-goin' with adam. somebody had told him about the deeds before he got here. he came in ravin', and he talked to me something terrible. he was the first to say i shouldn't a-give pa the box. not give it to him! an' he went farther than that, till i just rose up an' called him down proper; but i ain't feelin' good at him, an' i ain't goin' with him. i am goin' with you. i want somebody with me that understands me, and feels a little for me, an' i want the neighbours to see that the minute i'm boss, such a fine girl as you has her rightful place in her home. i'll go with you, or i'll sit down on this chair, and sit here." "but you didn't send for me," said kate. "no, i hadn't quite got round to it yet; but i was coming. i'd told all of them that you were the only one in the lot who had any sense; and i'd said i wished you were here, and as i see it, i'd a-sent for you yesterday afternoon about three o'clock. i was coming to it fast. i didn't feel just like standing up for myself; but i'd took about all fault-finding it was in me to bear. just about three o'clock i'd a-sent for you, katie, sure as god made little apples." "all right then," said kate, "but if you don't tell them, they'll always say i took the lead." "well, they got to say something," said mrs. bates. "most of 'em would die if they had to keep their mouths shut awhile; but i'll tell them fast enough." then she led the way downstairs. there were enough members of the immediate family to pack the front rooms of the house, the neighbours filled the dining room and dooryard. the church choir sang a hymn in front of the house, the minister stood on the front steps and read a chapter, and told where mr. bates had been born, married, the size of his family and possessions, said he was a good father, an honest neighbour, and very sensibly left his future with his god. then the choir sang again and all started to their conveyances. as the breaking up began outside, mrs. bates arose and stepped to the foot of the casket. she steadied herself by it and said: "some time back, i promised pa that if he went before i did, at this time in his funeral ceremony i would set his black tin box on the foot of his coffin and unlock before all of you, and in the order in which they lay, beginning with adam, jr., hand each of you boys the deed pa had made you for the land you live on. you all know what happened. none of you know just how. it wouldn't bring the deeds back if you did. they're gone. but i want you boys to follow your father to his grave with nothing in your hearts against him. he was all for the men. i don't ever want to hear any of you criticize him about this, or me, either. he did his best to make you upstanding men in your community, his one failing being that he liked being an upstanding man himself so well that he carried it too far; but his intentions was the best. as for me, i'd no idea how sick he was, and nobody else did. i minded him just like all the rest of you always did; the boys especially. from the church i want all of you to go home until to-morrow morning, and then i want my sons and daughters by birth only, to come here, and we'll talk things over, quietly, quietly, mind you; and decide what to do. katie, will you come with me?" it was not quite a tearless funeral. some of the daughters-in-law wept from nervous excitement; and some of the little children cried with fear, but there were no tears from the wife of adam bates, or his sons and daughters. and when he was left to the mercies of time, all of them followed mrs. bates' orders, except nancy ellen and robert, who stopped to help kate with the dinner. kate slipped into her second dress and went to work. mrs. bates untied her bonnet strings and unfastened her dress neck as they started home. she unbuttoned her waist going up the back walk and pulled it off at the door. "well, if i ever put that thing on in july again," she said, "you can use my head for a knock-maul. nancy ellen, can't you stop at a store as you come out in the morning and get the goods, and you girls run me up a dress that is nice enough to go out in, and not so hot it starts me burning before my time?" "of course i can," said nancy ellen. "about what do you want to pay, mother?" "whatever it takes to get a decent and a cool dress; cool, mind you," said mrs. bates, "an' any colour but black." "why, mother!" cried nancy ellen "it must be black!" "no," said mrs. bates. "pa kept me in black all my life on the supposition it showed the dirt the least. there's nothing in that. it shows dirt worse 'an white. i got my fill of black. you can get a nice cool gray, if you want me to wear it." "well, i never!" said nancy ellen. "what will the neighbours say?" "what do i care?" asked mrs. bates. "they've talked about me all my life, i'd be kinda lonesome if they's to quit." dinner over, kate proposed that her mother should lie down while they washed the dishes. "i would like a little rest," said mrs. bates. "i guess i'll go upstairs." "you'll do nothing of the kind," said kate. "it's dreadfully hot up there. go in the spare room, where it is cool; we'll keep quiet. i am going to stay tuesday until i move you in there, anyway. it's smaller, but it's big enough for one, and you'll feel much better there." "oh, katie, i'm so glad you thought of that," cried mrs. bates. "i been thinking and thinking about it, and it just seems as if i can't ever steel myself to go into that room to sleep again. i'll never enter that door that i don't see--" "you'll never enter it again as your room," said kate. "i'll fix you up before i go; and sally whistler told me last evening she would come and make her home with you if you wanted her. you like sally, don't you?" "yes, i like her fine," said mrs. bates. quietly as possible the girls washed the dishes, pulled down the blinds, closed the front door, and slipped down in the orchard with robert to talk things over. nancy ellen was stiffly reserved with kate, but she would speak when she was spoken to, which was so much better than silence that kate was happy over it. robert was himself. kate thought she had never liked him so well. he seemed to grow even kinder and more considerate as the years passed. nancy ellen was prettier than kate ever had seen her, but there was a line of discontent around her mouth, and she spoke pettishly on slight provocation, or none at all. now she was openly, brazenly, brutally, frank in her rejoicing. she thought it was the best "joke" that ever happened to the boys; and she said so repeatedly. kate found her lips closing more tightly and a slight feeling of revulsion growing in her heart. surely in nancy ellen's lovely home, cared for and shielded in every way, she had no such need of money as kate had herself. she was delighted when nancy ellen said she was sleepy, and was going to the living-room lounge for a nap. then kate produced her sheet of figures. she and robert talked the situation over and carefully figured on how an adjustment, fair to all, could be made, until they were called to supper. after supper nancy ellen and robert went home, while kate and her mother sat on the back porch and talked until kate had a clear understanding and a definite plan in her mind, which was that much improvement over wearing herself out in bitter revilings, or selfish rejoicing over her brothers' misfortune. her mother listened to all she had to say, asked a question occasionally, objected to some things, and suggested others. they arose when they had covered every contingency they could think of and went upstairs to bed, even though the downstairs was cooler. as she undressed, mrs. bates said slowly: "now in the morning, i'll speak my piece first; and i'll say it pretty plain. i got the whip-hand here for once in my life. they can't rave and fight here, and insult me again, as they did friday night and saturday till you got here an' shut 'em up. i won't stand it, that's flat! i'll tell 'em so, and that you speak for me, because you can figure faster and express yourself plainer; but insist that there be no fussing, an' i'll back you. i don't know just what life has been doing to you, katie, but lord! it has made a fine woman of you." kate set her lips in an even line and said nothing, but her heart was the gladdest it had been in years. her mother continued: "seems like nancy ellen had all the chance. most folks thought she was a lot the purtiest to start with, though i can't say that i ever saw so much difference. she's had leisure an' pettin', and her husband has made a mint o' money; she's gone all over the country with him, and the more chance she has, the narrower she grows, and the more discontenteder. one thing, she is awful disappointed about havin' no children. i pity her about that." "is it because she's a twin?" asked kate. "i'm afraid so," said mrs. bates. "you can't tell much about those things, they just seem to happen. robert and nancy ellen feel awful bad about it. still, she might do for others what she would for her own. the lord knows there are enough mighty nice children in the world who need mothering. i want to see your children, katie. are they nice little folks, straight and good looking?" "the boy is," said kate. "the girl is good, with the exception of being the most stubborn child i've ever seen. she looks so much like a woman it almost sickens me to think of that i have to drive myself to do her justice." "what a pity!" said mrs. bates, slowly. "oh, they are healthy, happy youngsters," said kate. "they get as much as we ever did, and don't expect any more. i have yet to see a demonstrative bates." "humph!" said mrs. bates. "well, you ought to been here friday night, and i thought adam came precious near it saturday." "demonstrating power, or anger, yes," said kate. "i meant affection. and isn't it the queerest thing how people are made? of all the boys, adam is the one who has had the most softening influences, and who has made the most money, and yet he's acting the worst of all. it really seems as if failure and hardship make more of a human being of folks than success." "you're right," said mrs. bates. "look at nancy ellen and adam. sometimes i think adam has been pretty much galled with agatha and her money all these years; and it just drives him crazy to think of having still less than she has. have you got your figures all set down, to back you up, katie?" "yes," said kate. "i've gone all over it with robert, and he thinks it's the best and only thing that can be done. now go to sleep." each knew that the other was awake most of the night, but very few words passed between them. they were up early, dressed, and waiting when the first carriage stopped at the gate. kate told her mother to stay where she would not be worried until she was needed, and went down herself to meet her brothers and sisters in the big living room. when the last one arrived, she called her mother. mrs. bates came down looking hollow-eyed, haggard, and grim, as none of her children ever before had seen her. she walked directly to the little table at the end of the room, and while still standing she said: "now i've got a few words to say, and then i'll turn this over to a younger head an' one better at figures than mine. i've said my say as to pa, yesterday. now i'll say this, for myself. i got my start, minding pa, and agreeing with him, young; but you needn't any of you throw it in my teeth now, that i did. there is only one woman among you, and no man who ever disobeyed him. katie stood up to him once, and got seven years from home to punish her and me. he wasn't right then, and i knew it, as i'd often known it before, and pretty often since; but no woman god ever made could have lived with adam bates as his wife and contraried him. i didn't mind him any quicker or any oftener than the rest of you; keep that pretty clear in your heads, and don't one of you dare open your mouth again to tell me, as you did saturday, what i should a-done, and what i shouldn't. i've had the law of this explained to me; you all know it for that matter. by the law, i get this place and one third of all the other land and money. i don't know just what money there is at the bank or in notes and mortgages, but a sixteenth of it after my third is taken out ain't going to make or break any of you. i've told katie what i'm willing to do on my part and she will explain it, and then tell you about a plan she has fixed up. as for me, you can take it or leave it. if you take it, well and good; if you don't, the law will be set in motion to-day, and it will take its course to the end. it all depends on you. "now two things more. at the start, what pa wanted to do seemed to me right, and i agreed with him and worked with him. but when my girls began to grow up and i saw how they felt, and how they struggled and worked, and how the women you boys married went ahead of my own girls, and had finer homes, an' carriages, and easier times, i got pretty sick of it, and i told pa so more'n once. he just raved whenever i did, an' he always carried his keys in his pocket. i never touched his chest key in my life, till i handed him his deed box friday afternoon. but i agree with my girls. it's fair and right, since things have come out as they have, that they should have their shares. i would, too. "the other thing is just this: i'm tired to death of the whole business. i want peace and rest and i want it quick. friday and saturday i was so scared and so knocked out i s'pose i'd 'a' took it if one of the sucking babies had riz up and commenced to tell me what i should a-done, and what i shouldn't. i'm through with that. you will all keep civil tongues in your heads this morning, or i'll get up and go upstairs, an' lock myself in a room till you're gone, an' if i go, it will mean that the law takes its course; and if it does, there will be three hundred acres less land to divide. you've had pa on your hands all your lives, now you will go civil, and you will go easy, or you will get a taste of ma. i take no more talk from anybody. katie, go ahead with your figures." kate spread her sheet on the table and glanced around the room: "the milton county records show sixteen hundred and fifty acres standing in father's name," she said. "of these, mother is heir to five hundred and fifty acres, leaving one thousand one hundred acres to be divided among sixteen of us, which give sixty-eight and three-fourths acres to each. this land is the finest that proper fertilization and careful handling can make. even the poorest is the cream of the country as compared with the surrounding farms. as a basis of estimate i have taken one hundred dollars an acre as a fair selling figure. some is worth more, some less, but that is a good average. this would make the share of each of us in cash that could easily be realized, six thousand eight hundred and seventy-five dollars. whatever else is in mortgages, notes, and money can be collected as it is due, deposited in some bank, and when it is all in, divided equally among us, after deducting mother's third. now this is the law, and those are the figures, but i shall venture to say that none of us feel right about it, or ever will." an emphatic murmur of approval ran among the boys, mary and nancy ellen stoutly declared that they did. "oh, no, you don't!" said kate. "if god made any woman of you so that she feels right and clean in her conscience about this deal, he made her wrong, and that is a thing that has not yet been proven of god. as i see it, here is the boys' side: from childhood they were told, bribed, and urged to miss holidays, work all week, and often on sunday, to push and slave on the promise of this land at twenty-one. they all got the land and money to stock it and build homes. they were told it was theirs, required to pay the taxes on it, and also to labour at any time and without wages for father. not one of the boys but has done several hundred dollars' worth of work on father's farm for nothing, to keep him satisfied and to insure getting his deed. all these years, each man has paid his taxes, put thousands in improvements, in rebuilding homes and barns, fertilizing, and developing his land. each one of these farms is worth nearly twice what it was the day it was received. that the boys should lose all this is no cause for rejoicing on the part of any true woman; as a fact, no true woman would allow such a thing to happen--" "speak for yourself!" cried several of the girls at once. "now right here is where we come to a perfect understanding," said kate. "i did say that for myself, but in the main what i say, i say for mother. now you will not one of you interrupt me again, or this meeting closes, and each of you stands to lose more than two thousand dollars, which is worth being civil for, for quite a while. no more of that! i say any woman should be ashamed to take advantage of her brother through an accident; and rob him of years of work and money he was perfectly justified in thinking was his. i, for one, refuse to do it, and i want and need money probably more than any of you. to tear up these farms, to take more than half from the boys, is too much. on the other hand, for the girls to help earn the land, to go with no inheritance at all, is even more unfair. now in order to arrive at a compromise that will leave each boy his farm, and give each girl the nearest possible to a fair amount, figuring in what the boys have spent in taxes and work for father, and what each girl has lost by not having her money to handle all these years, it is necessary to split the difference between the time adam, the eldest, has had his inheritance, and hiram, the youngest, came into possession, which by taking from and adding to, gives a fair average of fifteen years. now mother proposes if we will enter into an agreement this morning with no words and no wrangling, to settle on this basis: she will relinquish her third of all other land, and keep only this home farm. she even will allow the fifty lying across the road to be sold and the money put into a general fund for the share of the girls. she will turn into this fund all money from notes and mortgages, and the sale of all stock, implements, etc., here, except what she wants to keep for her use, and the sum of three thousand dollars in cash, to provide against old age. this releases quite a sum of money, and three hundred and fifty acres of land, which she gives to the boys to start this fund as her recompense for their work and loss through a scheme in which she had a share in the start. she does this only on the understanding that the boys form a pool, and in some way take from what they have saved, sell timber or cattle, or borrow enough money to add to this sufficient to pay to each girl six thousand dollars in cash, in three months. now get out your pencils and figure. start with the original number of acres at fifty dollars an acre which is what it cost father on an average. balance against each other what the boys have lost in tax and work, and the girls have lost in not having their money to handle, and cross it off. then figure, not on a basis of what the boys have made this land worth, but on what it cost father's estate to buy, build on, and stock each farm. strike the fifteen-year average on prices and profits. figure that the girls get all their money practically immediately, to pay for the time they have been out of it; while each boy assumes an equal share of the indebtedness required to finish out the six thousand, after mother has turned in what she is willing to, if this is settled here and now." "then i understand," said mary, "that if we take under the law, each of us is entitled to sixty-eight and three quarter acres; and if we take under mother's proposition we are entitled to eighty-seven and a half acres." "no, no, e. a.," said kate, the old nickname for "exceptional ability" slipping out before she thought. "no, no! not so! you take sixty-eight and three quarters under the law. mother's proposition is made only to the boys, and only on condition that they settle here and now; because she feels responsible to them for her share in rearing them and starting them out as she did. by accepting her proposition you lose eight hundred and seventy-five dollars, approximately. the boys lose on the same basis, figuring at fifty dollars and acre, six thousand five hundred and sixty-two dollars and fifty cents, plus their work and taxes, and minus what mother will turn in, which will be about, let me see--it will take a pool of fifty-four thousand dollars to pay each of us six thousand. if mother raises thirty-five thousand, plus sale money and notes, it will leave about nineteen thousand for the boys, which will divide up at nearly two thousand five hundred for them to lose, as against less than a thousand for us. that should be enough to square matters with any right-minded woman, even in our positions. it will give us that much cash in hand, it will leave the boys, some of the younger ones, in debt for years, if they hold their land. what more do you want?" "i want the last cent that is coming to me," said mary. "i thought you would," said kate. "yet you have the best home, and the most money, of any of the girls living on farms. i settle under this proposition, because it is fair and just, and what mother wants done. if she feels that this is defrauding the girls any, she can arrange to leave what she has to us at her death, which would more than square matters in our favour--" "you hold on there, katie," said mrs. bates. "you're going too fast! i'll get what's coming to me, and hang on to it awhile, before i decide which way the cat jumps. i reckon you'll all admit that in mothering the sixteen of you, doing my share indoors and out, and living with pa for all these years, i've earned it. i'll not tie myself up in any way. i'll do just what i please with mine. figure in all i've told you to; for the rest--let be!" "i beg your pardon," said kate. "you're right, of course. i'll sign this, and i shall expect every sister i have to do the same, quickly and cheerfully, as the best way out of a bad business that has hurt all of us for years, and then i shall expect the boys to follow like men. it's the fairest, decentest thing we can do, let's get it over." kate picked up the pen, handed it to her mother, signed afterward herself, and then carried it to each of her sisters, leaving nancy ellen and mary until last. all of them signed up to nancy ellen. she hesitated, and she whispered to kate: "did robert--?" kate nodded. nancy ellen thought deeply a minute and then said slowly: "i guess it is the quickest and best we can do." so she signed. mary hesitated longer, but finally added her name. kate passed on to the boys, beginning with adam. slowly he wrote his name, and as he handed back the paper he said: "thank you, kate, i believe it's the sanest thing we can do. i can make it easier than the younger boys." "then help them," said kate tersely, passing on. each boy signed in turn, all of them pleased with the chance. it was so much better than they had hoped, that it was a great relief, which most of them admitted; so they followed adam's example in thanking kate, for all of them knew that in her brain had originated the scheme, which seemed to make the best of their troubles. then they sat closer and talked things over calmly and dispassionately. it was agreed that adam and his mother should drive to hartley the following afternoon and arrange for him to take out papers of administration for her, and start the adjustment of affairs. they all went home thinking more of each other, and kate especially, than ever before. mrs. bates got dinner while kate and nancy ellen went to work on the cool gray dress, so that it would be ready for the next afternoon. while her mother was away kate cleaned the spare bedroom and moved her mother's possessions into it. she made it as convenient and comfortable and as pretty as she could, but the house was bare to austerity, so that her attempt at prettifying was rather a failure. then she opened the closed room and cleaned it, after studying it most carefully as it stood. the longer she worked, the stronger became a conviction that was slowly working its way into her brain. when she could do no more she packed her telescope, installed sally whistler in her father's room, and rode to hartley with a neighbour. from there she took the wednesday hack for walden. chapter xviii kate takes the bit in her teeth the hackman was obliging, for after delivering the mail and some parcels, he took kate to her home. while she waited for him, she walked the ravine bank planning about the mill which was now so sure that she might almost begin work. surely she might as soon as she finished figuring, for she had visited the court house in hartley and found that george's deeds were legal, and in proper shape. her mind was filled with plans which this time must succeed. as she approached the house she could see the children playing in the yard. it was the first time she ever had been away from them; she wondered if they had missed her. she was amazed to find that they were very decidedly disappointed to see her; but a few pertinent questions developed the reason. their grandmother had come with her sister; she had spent her time teaching them that their mother was cold, and hard, and abused them, by not treating them as other children were treated. so far as kate could see they had broken every rule she had ever laid down for them: eaten until their stomachs were out of order, and played in their better clothing, until it never would be nice again, while polly shouted at her approach: "give me the oranges and candy. i want to divide them." "silly," said kate. "this is too soon. i've no money yet, it will be a long time before i get any; but you shall each have an orange, some candy, and new clothing when i do. now run see what big fish you can catch." satisfied, the children obeyed and ran to the creek. aunt ollie, worried and angered, told adam to tell his father that mother was home and for him to come and take her and grandmother to walden at once. she had not been able to keep mrs. holt from one steady round of mischief; but she argued that her sister could do less, with her on guard, than alone, so she had stayed and done her best; but she knew how kate would be annoyed, so she believed the best course was to leave as quickly as possible. kate walked into the house, spoke to both women, and went to her room to change her clothing. before she had finished, she heard george's voice in the house demanding: "where's our millionaire lady? i want a look at her." kate was very tired, slowly relaxing from intense nerve strain, she was holding herself in check about the children. she took a tighter grip, and vowed she would not give mrs. holt the satisfaction of seeing her disturbed and provoked, if she killed herself in the effort at self-control. she stepped toward the door. "here," she called in a clear voice, the tone of which brought george swiftly. "what was he worth, anyway?" he shouted. "oh, millions and millions," said kate, sweetly, "at least i think so. it was scarcely a time to discuss finances, in the face of that horrible accident." george laughed. "oh, you're a good one!" he cried. "think you can keep a thing like that still? the cats, and the dogs, and the chickens of the whole county know about the deeds the old land king had made for his sons; and how he got left on it. served him right, too! we could here andrew swear, and see adam beat his horse, clear over here! that's right! go ahead! put on airs! tell us something we don't know, will you? maybe you think i wasn't hanging pretty close around that neighbourhood, myself!" "spying?" cried kate. "looking for timber," he sneered. "and never in all my life have i seen anything to beat it. sixteen hundred and fifty acres of the best land in the world. your share of land and money together will be every cent of twelve thousand. oh, i guess i know what you've got up your sleeve, my lady. come on, shell out! let's all go celebrate. what did you bring the children?" kate was rapidly losing patience in spite of her resolves. "myself," she said. "from their appearance and actions, goodness knows they needed me. i have been to my father's funeral, george; not to a circus." "humph!" said george. "and home for the first time in seven years. you needn't tell me it wasn't the biggest picnic you ever had! and say, about those deeds burning up--wasn't that too grand?" "even if my father burned with them?" she asked. "george, you make me completely disgusted." "big hypocrite!" he scoffed. "you know you're tickled silly. why, you will get ten times as much as you would if those deeds hadn't burned. i know what that estate amounts to. i know what that land is worth. i'll see that you get your share to the last penny that can be wrung out of it. you bet i will! things are coming our way at last. now we can build the mill, and do everything we planned. i don't know as we will build a mill. with your fifteen thousand we could start a store in hartley, and do bigger things." "the thing for you to do right now is to hitch up and take aunt ollie and your mother home," said kate. "i'll talk to you after supper and tell you all there is to know. i'm dusty and tired now." "well, you needn't try to fix up any shenanigan for me," he said. "i know to within five hundred dollars of what your share of that estate is worth, and i'll see that you get it." "no one has even remotely suggested that i shouldn't have my share of that estate," said kate. while he was gone, kate thought intently as she went about her work. she saw exactly what her position was, and what she had to do. their talk would be disagreeable, but the matter had to gone into and gotten over. she let george talk as he would while she finished supper and they ate. when he went for his evening work, she helped the children scale their fish for breakfast and as they worked she talked to them, sanely, sensibly, explaining what she could, avoiding what she could not. she put them to bed, her heart almost sickened at what they had been taught and told. kate was in no very propitious mood for her interview with george. as she sat on the front porch waiting for him, she was wishing with all her heart that she was back home with the children, to remain forever. that, of course, was out of the question, but she wished it. she had been so glad to be with her mother again, to be of service, to hear a word of approval now and then. she must be worthy of her mother's opinion, she thought, just as george stepped on the porch, sat on the top step, leaned against a pillar, and said: "now go on, tell me all about it." kate thought intently a second. instead of beginning with leaving friday morning: "i was at the court house in hartley this morning," she said. "you needn't have done that," he scoffed. "i spent most of the day there monday. you bet folks shelled out the books when i told them who i was, and what i was after. i must say you folks have some little reason to be high and mighty. you sure have got the dough. no wonder the old man hung on to his deeds himself. he wasn't so far from a king, all right, all right." "you mean you left your work monday, and went to the court house in hartley and told who you were, and spent the day nosing into my father's affairs, before his sons had done anything, or you had any idea what was to be done?" she demanded. "oh, you needn't get so high and mighty," he said. "i propose to know just where i am, about this. i propose to have just what is coming to me--to you, to the last penny, and no bates man will manage the affair, either." suddenly kate leaned forward. "i foresee that you've fixed yourself up for a big disappointment," she said. "my mother and her eldest son will settle my father's estate; and when it is settled i shall have exactly what the other girls have. then if i still think it is wise, i shall at once go to work building the mill. everything must be shaved to the last cent, must be done with the closest economy, i must come out of this with enough left to provide us a comfortable home." "do that from the first profits of the mill," he suggested. "i'm no good at 'counting chickens before they're hatched,'" said kate. "besides, the first profits from the mill, as you very well know, if you would ever stop to think, must go to pay for logs to work on, and there must always be a good balance for that purpose. no. i reserve enough from my money to fix the home i want; but i shall wait to do it until the mill is working, so i can give all my attention to it, while you are out looking up timber." "of course i can do all of it perfectly well," he said. "and it's a man's business. you'll make me look like fifty cents if you get out among men and go to doing a thing no woman in this part of the country ever did. why, it will look like you didn't trust me!" "i can't help how it will look," said kate. "this is my last and only dollar; if i lose it, i am out for life; i shall take no risk. i've no confidence in your business ability, and you know it. it need not hurt your pride a particle to say that we are partners; that i'm going to build the mill, while you're going to bring in the timber. it's the only way i shall touch the proposition. i will give you two hundred dollars for the deed and abstract of the ravine. i'll give your mother eight hundred for the lot and house, which is two hundred more than it is worth. i'll lay away enough to rebuild and refurnish it, and with the remainder i'll build the dam, bridge, and mill, just as quickly as it can be done. as soon as i get my money, we'll buy timber for the mill and get it sawed and dried this winter. we can be all done and running by next june." "kate, how are you going to get all that land sold, and the money in hand to divide up that quickly? i don't think it ever can be done. land is always sold on time, you know," he said. kate drew a deep breath. "this land isn't going to be sold," she said. "most of the boys have owned their farms long enough to have enabled them to buy other land, and put money in the bank. they're going to form a pool, and put in enough money to pay the girls the share they have agreed to take; even if they have to borrow it, as some of the younger ones will; but the older ones will help them; so the girls are to have their money in cash, in three months. i was mighty glad of the arrangement for my part, because we can begin at once on our plans for the mill." "and how much do the girls get?" he asked darkly. "can't say just yet," said kate. "the notes and mortgages have to be gone over, and the thing figured out; it will take some time. mother and adam began yesterday; we shall know in a few weeks." "sounds to me like a cold-blooded bates steal," he cried. "who figured out what was a fair share for the girls; who planned that arrangement? why didn't you insist on the thing going through court; the land belong sold, and equal divisions of all the proceeds?" "now if you'll agree not to say a word until i finish, i'll show you the figures," said kate. "i'll tell you what the plan is, and why it was made, and i'll tell you further that it is already recorded, and in action. there are no minor heirs. we could make an agreement and record it. there was no will. mother will administer. it's all settled. wait until i get the figures." then slowly and clearly she went over the situation, explaining everything in detail. when she finished he sat staring at her with a snarling face. "you signed that?" he demanded. "you signed that! you threw away at least half you might have had! you let those lazy scoundrels of brothers of yours hoodwink you, and pull the wool over your eyes like that? are you mad? are you stark, staring mad?" "no, i'm quite sane," said kate. "it is you who are mad. you know my figures, don't you? those were the only ones used yesterday. the whole scheme was mine, with help from mother to the extent of her giving up everything except the home farm." "you crazy fool!" he cried, springing up. "now stop," said kate. "stop right there! i've done what i think is right, and fair, and just, and i'm happy with the results. act decently, i'll stay and build the mill. say one, only one more of the nasty, insulting things in your head, and i'll go in there and wake up the children and we will leave now and on foot." confronted with kate and her ultimatum, george arose and walked down to the road; he began pacing back and forth in the moonlight, struggling to regain command of himself. he had no money. he had no prospect of any until aunt ollie died and left him her farm. he was, as he expressed it, "up against it" there. now he was "up against it" with kate. what she decided upon and proposed to do was all he could do. she might shave prices, and cut, and skimp, and haggle to buy material, and put up her building at the least possible expense. she might sit over books and figure herself blind. he would be driving over the country, visiting with the farmers, booming himself for a fat county office maybe, eating big dinners, and being a jolly good fellow generally. naturally as breathing, there came to him a scheme whereby he could buy at the very lowest figure he could extract; then he would raise the price to kate enough to make him a comfortable income besides his share of the business. he had not walked the road long until his anger was all gone. he began planning the kind of horse he would have to drive, the buggy he would want, and a box in it to carry a hatchet, a square, measures, an auger, other tools he would need, and by jove! it would be a dandy idea to carry a bottle of the real thing. many a farmer, for a good cigar and a few swallows of the right thing, would warm up and sign such a contract as could be got in no other manner; while he would need it on cold days himself. george stopped in the moonlight to slap his leg and laugh over the happy thought. "by george, georgie, my boy," he said, "most days will be cold, won't they?" he had no word to say to kate of his change of feeling in the matter. he did not want to miss the chance of twitting her at every opportunity he could invent with having thrown away half her inheritance; but he was glad the whole thing was settled so quickly and easily. he was now busy planning how he would spend the money kate agreed to pay him for the ravine; but that was another rosy cloud she soon changed in colour, for she told him if he was going to be a partner he could put in what money he had, as his time was no more valuable than she could make hers teaching school again--in other words, he could buy his horse and buggy with the price she paid for the location, so he was forced to agree. he was forced to do a great many things in the following months that he hated; but he had to do them or be left out of the proposition altogether. mrs. bates and adam administered the bates estate promptly and efficiently. the girls had their money on time, the boys adjusted themselves as their circumstances admitted. mrs. bates had to make so many trips to town, before the last paper was signed, and the last transfer was made, that she felt she could not go any farther, so she did not. nancy ellen had reached the point where she would stop and talk a few minutes to kate, if she met her on the streets of hartley, as she frequently did now; but she would not ask her to come home with her, because she would not bring herself in contact with george holt. the day kate went to hartley to receive and deposit her check, and start her bank account, her mother asked her if she had any plan as to what she would do with her money. kate told her in detail. mrs. bates listened with grim face: "you better leave it in the bank," she said, "and use the interest to help you live, or put it in good farm mortgages, where you can easily get ten per cent." kate explained again and told how she was doing all the buying, how she would pay all bills, and keep the books. it was no use. mrs. bates sternly insisted that she should do no such thing. in some way she would be defrauded. in some way she would lose the money. what she was proposing was a man's work. kate had most of her contracts signed and much material ordered, she could not stop. sadly she saw her mother turn from her, declaring as she went that kate would lose every cent she had, and when she did she need not come hanging around her. she had been warned. if she lost, she could take the consequences. for an instant kate felt that she could not endure it then she sprang after her mother. "oh, but i won't lose!" she cried. "i'm keeping my money in my own hands. i'm spending it myself. please, mother, come and see the location, and let me show you everything." "too late now," said mrs. bates grimly, "the thing is done. the time to have told me was before you made any contracts. you're always taking the bit in your teeth and going ahead. well, go! but remember, 'as you make your bed, so you can lie.'" "all right," said kate, trying to force a laugh. "don't you worry. next time you get into a tight place and want to borrow a few hundreds, come to me." mrs. bates laughed derisively. kate turned away with a faint sickness in her heart and when half an hour later she met nancy ellen, fresh from an interview with her mother, she felt no better--far worse, in fact--for nancy ellen certainly could say what was in her mind with free and forceful directness. with deft tongue and nimble brain, she embroidered all mrs. bates had said, and prophesied more evil luck in three minutes than her mother could have thought of in a year. kate left them with no promise of seeing either of them again, except by accident, her heart and brain filled with misgivings. "must i always have 'a fly in my ointment'?" she wailed to herself. "i thought this morning this would be the happiest day of my life. i felt as if i were flying. ye gods, but wings were never meant for me. every time i take them, down i come kerflop, mostly in a 'gulf of dark despair,' as the hymn book says. anyway, i'll keep my promise and give the youngsters a treat." so she bought each of them an orange, some candy, and goods for a new sunday outfit and comfortable school clothing. then she took the hack for walden, feeling in a degree as she had the day she married george holt. as she passed the ravine and again studied the location her spirits arose. it was a good scheme. it would work. she would work it. she would sell from the yards to walden and the surrounding country. she would see the dealers in hartley and talk the business over, so she would know she was not being cheated in freight rates when she came to shipping. she stopped at mrs. holt's, laid a deed before her for her signature, and offered her a check for eight hundred for the holt house and lot, which mrs. holt eagerly accepted. they arranged to move immediately, as the children were missing school. she had a deed with her for the ravine, which george signed in walden, and both documents were acknowledged; but she would not give him the money until he had the horse and buggy he was to use, at the gate, in the spring. he wanted to start out buying at once, but that was going too far in the future for kate. while the stream was low, and the banks firm, kate built her dam, so that it would be ready for spring, put in the abutments, and built the bridge. it was not a large dam, and not a big bridge, but both were solid, well constructed, and would serve every purpose. then kate set men hauling stone for the corner foundations. she hoped to work up such a trade and buy so much and so wisely in the summer that she could run all winter, so she was building a real mill in the bates way, which way included letting the foundations freeze and settle over winter. that really was an interesting and a comfortable winter. kate and george both watched the children's studies at night, worked their plans finer in the daytime, and lived as cheaply and carefully as they could. everything was going well. george was doing his best to promote the mill plan, to keep kate satisfied at home, to steal out after she slept, and keep himself satisfied in appetite, and some ready money in his pockets, won at games of chance, at which he was an expert, and at cards, which he handled like a master. chapter xix "as a man soweth" at the earliest possible moment in the spring, the building of the mill began. it was scarcely well under way when the work was stopped by a week of heavy rains. the water filled the ravine to dangerous height and the roaring of the dam could be heard all over town. george talked of it incessantly. he said it was the sweetest music his ears had ever heard. kate had to confess that she like the sound herself, but she was fearful over saying much on the subject because she was so very anxious about the stability of the dam. there was a day or two of fine weather; then the rains began again. kate said she had all the music she desired; she proposed to be safe; so she went and opened the sluiceway to reduce the pressure on the dam. the result was almost immediate. the water gushed through, lowering the current and lessening the fall. george grumbled all day, threatening half a dozen times to shut the sluice; but kate and the carpenter were against him, so he waited until he came slipping home after midnight, his brain in a muddle from drink, smoke, and cards. as he neared the dam, he decided that the reason he felt so badly was because he had missed hearing it all day, but he would have it to go to sleep by. so he crossed the bridge and shut the sluice gate. even as he was doing it the thunder pealed; lightning flashed, and high heaven gave him warning that he was doing a dangerous thing; but all his life he had done what he pleased; there was no probability that he would change then. he needed the roar of the dam to quiet his nerves. the same roar that put him to sleep, awakened kate. she lay wondering at it and fearing. she raised her window to listen. the rain was falling in torrents, while the roar was awful, so much worse than it had been when she fell asleep, that she had a suspicion of what might have caused it. she went to george's room and shook him awake. "listen to the dam!" she cried. "it will go, as sure as fate. george, did you, oh, did you, close the sluice-gate when you came home?" he was half asleep, and too defiant from drink to take his usual course. "sure!" he said. "sweesish mushich ever hearsh. push me shleep." he fell back on the pillow and went on sleeping. kate tried again to waken him, but he struck at her savagely. she ran to her room, hurried into a few clothes, and getting the lantern, started toward the bridge. at the gate she stepped into water. as far as she could see above the dam the street was covered. she waded to the bridge, which was under at each end but still bare in the middle, where it was slightly higher. kate crossed it and started down the yard toward the dam. the earth was softer there, and she mired in places almost to her knees. at the dam, the water was tearing around each end in a mad race, carrying earth and everything before it. the mill side was lower than the street. the current was so broad and deep she could not see where the sluice was. she hesitated a second to try to locate it from the mill behind her; and in that instant there was a crack and a roar, a mighty rush that swept her from her feet and washed away the lantern. nothing saved her but the trees on the bank. she struck one, clung to it, pulled herself higher, and in the blackness gripped the tree, while she heard the dam going gradually after the first break. there was no use to scream, no one could have heard her. the storm raved on; kate clung to her tree, with each flash of lightning trying to see the dam. at last she saw that it was not all gone. she was not much concerned about herself. she knew the tree would hold. eagerly she strained her eyes toward the dam. she could feel the water dropping lower, while the roar subsided to a wild rush, and with flashes of lightning she could see what she thought was at least half of the dam holding firm. by that time kate began to chill. she wrapped her arms around the tree, and pressing her cheek against the rough bark, she cried as hard as she could and did not care. god would not hear; the neighbours could not. she shook and cried until she was worn out. by that time the water was only a muddy flow around her ankles; if she had a light she could wade back to the bridge and reach home. but if she missed the bridge and went into the ravine, the current would be too strong for her. she held with one arm and tried to wipe her face with the other hand. "what a fool to cry!" she said. "as if there were any more water needed here!" then she saw a light in the house, and the figures of the children, carrying it from room to room, so she knew that one of them had awakened for a drink, or with the storm, and they had missed her. then she could see them at the front door, adam's sturdy feet planted widely apart, bracing him, as he held up the lamp which flickered in the wind. then she could hear his voice shouting: "mother!" instantly kate answered. then she was sorry she had, for both of them began to scream wildly. there was a second of that, then even the children realized its futility. "she is out there in the water, we got to get her," said adam. "we got to do it!" he started with the light held high. the wind blew it out. they had to go back to relight it. kate knew they would burn their fingers, and she prayed they would not set the house on fire. when the light showed again, at the top of her lungs she screamed: "adam, set the broom on fire and carry it to the end of the bridge; the water isn't deep enough to hurt you." she tried twice, then she saw him give polly the lamp, and run down the hall. he came back in an instant with the broom. polly held the lamp high, adam went down the walk to the gate and started up the sidewalk. "he's using his head," said kate to the tree. "he's going to wait until he reaches the bridge to start his light, so it will last longer. that is bates, anyway. thank god!" adam scratched several matches before he got the broom well ignited, then he held it high, and by its light found the end of the bridge. kate called to him to stop and plunging and splashing through mud and water, she reached the bridge before the broom burned out. there she clung to the railing she had insisted upon, and felt her way across to the boy. his thin cotton night shirt was plastered to his sturdy little body. as she touched him kate lifted him in her arms, and almost hugged the life from him. "you big man!" she said. "you could help mother! good for you!" "is the dam gone?" he asked. "part of it," said kate, sliding her feet before her, as she waded toward polly in the doorway. "did father shut the sluice-gate, to hear the roar?" kate hesitated. the shivering body in her arms felt so small to her. "i 'spect he did," said adam. "all day he was fussing after you stopped the roar." then he added casually: "the old fool ought-a known better. i 'spect he was drunk again!" "oh, adam!" cried kate, setting him on the porch. "oh, adam! what makes you say that?" "oh, all of them at school say that," scoffed adam. "everybody knows it but you, don't they, polly?" "sure!" said polly. "most every night; but don't you mind, mother, adam and i will take care of you." kate fell on her knees and gathered both of them in a crushing hug for an instant; then she helped them into to dry nightgowns and to bed. as she covered them she stooped and kissed each of them before she went to warm and put on dry clothes, and dry her hair. it was almost dawn when she walked to george holt's door and looked in at him lying stretched in deep sleep. "you may thank your god for your children," she said. "if it hadn't been for them, i know what i would have done to you." then she went to her room and lay down to rest until dawn. she was up at the usual time and had breakfast ready for the children. as they were starting to school george came into the room. "mother," said polly, "there is a lot of folks over around the dam. what shall we tell them?" kate's heart stopped. she had heard that question before. "tell them the truth," said adam scornfully, before kate could answer. "tell them that mother opened the sluiceway to save the dam and father shut it to hear it roar, and it busted!" "shall i, mother?" asked polly. a slow whiteness spread over george's face; he stared down the hall to look. "tell them exactly what you please," said kate, "only you watch yourself like a hawk. if you tell one word not the way it was, or in any way different from what happened, i'll punish you severely." "may i tell them i held the lamp while adam got you out of the water?" asked polly. "that would be true, you know." george turned to listen, his face still whiter. "yes, that would be true," said kate, "but if you tell them that, the first thing they will ask will be 'where was your father?' what will you say then?" "why, we'll say that he was so drunk we couldn't wake him up," said polly conclusively. "we pulled him, an' we shook him, an' we yelled at him. didn't we, adam?" "i was not drunk!" shouted george. "oh, yes, you were," said adam. "you smelled all sour, like it does at the saloon door!" george made a rush at adam. the boy spread his feet and put up his hands, but never flinched or moved. kate looking on felt something in her heart that never had been there before. she caught george's arm, as he reached the child. "you go on to school, little folks," she said. "and for mother's sake try not to talk at all. if people question you, tell them to ask mother. i'd be so proud of you, if you would do that." "i will, if you'll hold me and kiss me again like you did last night when you got out of the water," said polly. "it is a bargain," said kate. "how about you, adam?" "i will for that, too," said adam, "but i'd like awful well to tell how fast the water went, and how it poured and roared, while i held the light, and you got across. gee, if was awful, mother! so black, and so crashy, and so deep. i'd like to tell!" "but you won't if i ask you not to?" queried kate. "i will not," said adam. kate went down on her knees again, she held out her arms and both youngsters rushed to her. after they were gone, she and george holt looked at each other an instant, then kate turned to her work. he followed: "kate--" he began. "no use!" said kate. "if you go out and look at the highest water mark, you can easily imagine what i had to face last night when i had to cross the bridge to open the sluice-gate, or the bridge would have gone, too. if the children had not wakened with the storm, and hunted me, i'd have had to stay over there until morning, if i could have clung to the tree that long. first they rescued me; and then they rescued you, if you only but knew it. by using part of the money i had saved for the house, i can rebuild the dam; but i am done with you. we're partners no longer. not with business, money, or in any other way, will i ever trust you again. sit down there and eat your breakfast, and then leave my sight." instead george put on his old clothing, crossed the bridge, and worked all day with all his might trying to gather building material out of the water, save debris from the dam, to clear the village street. at noon he came over and got a drink, and a piece of bread. at night he worked until he could see no longer, and then ate some food from the cupboard and went to bed. he was up and at work before daybreak in the morning, and for two weeks he kept this up, until he had done much to repair the work of the storm. the dam he almost rebuilt himself, as soon as the water lowered to normal again. kate knew what he was trying to do, and knew also that in a month he had the village pitying him, and blaming her because he was working himself to death, and she was allowing it. she doggedly went on with her work; the contracts were made; she was forced to. as the work neared completion, her faith in the enterprise grew. she studied by the hour everything she could find pertaining to the business. when the machinery began to arrive, george frequently spoke about having timber ready to begin work on, but he never really believed the thing which did happen, would happen, until the first load of logs slowly crossed the bridge and began unloading in the yards. a few questions elicited from the driver the reply that he had sold the timber to young adam bates of bates corners, who was out buying right and left and paying cash on condition the seller did his own delivering. george saw the scheme, and that it was good. also the logs were good, while the price was less than he hoped to pay for such timber. his soul was filled with bitterness. the mill was his scheme. he had planned it all. those thieving bates had stolen his plan, and his location, and his home, and practically separated him from his wife and children. it was his mill, and all he was getting from it was to work with all his might, and not a decent word from morning until night. that day instead of working as before, he sat in the shade most of the time, and that night instead of going to bed he went down town. when the mill was almost finished kate employed two men who lived in walden, but had been working in the hartley mills for years. they were honest men of much experience. kate made the better of them foreman, and consulted with him in every step of completing the mill, and setting up the machinery. she watched everything with sharp eyes, often making suggestions that were useful about the placing of different parts as a woman would arrange them. some of these the men laughed at, some they were more than glad to accept. when the engine was set up, the big saw in place, george went to kate. "see here!" he said roughly. "i know i was wrong about the sluice-gate. i was a fool to shut it with the water that high, but i've learned my lesson; i'll never touch it again; i've worked like a dog for weeks to pay for it; now where do i come in? what's my job, how much is my share of the money, and when do i get it?" "the trouble with you, george, is that you have to learn a new lesson about every thing you attempt. you can't carry a lesson about one thing in your mind, and apply it to the next thing that comes up. i know you have worked, and i know why. it is fair that you should have something, but i can't say what, just now. having to rebuild the dam, and with a number of incidentals that have come up, in spite of the best figuring i could do, i have been forced to use my money saved for rebuilding the house; and even with that, i am coming out a hundred or two short. i'm strapped; and until money begins to come in i have none myself. the first must go toward paying the men's wages, the next for timber. if jim milton can find work for you, go to work at the mill, and when we get started i'll pay you what is fair and just, you may depend on that. if he hasn't work for you, you'll have to find a job at something else." "do you mean that?" he asked wonderingly. "i mean it," said kate. "after stealing my plan, and getting my land for nothing, you'd throw me out entirely?" he demanded. "you entreated me to put all i had into your plan, you told me repeatedly the ravine was worth nothing, you were not even keeping up the taxes on it until i came and urged you to, the dam is used merely for water, the engine furnishes the real power, and if you are thrown out, you have thrown yourself out. you have had every chance." "you are going to keep your nephew on the buying job?" he asked "i am," said kate. "you can have no job that will give you a chance to involve me financially." "then give me milton's place. it's so easy a baby could do it, and the wages you have promised him are scandalous," said george. kate laughed. "oh, george," she said, "you can't mean that! of all your hare-brained ideas, that you could operate that saw, is the wildest. oh course you could start the engine, and set the saw running--i could myself; but to regulate its speed, to control it with judgment, you could no more do it than polly. as for wages, milton is working for less than he got in hartley, because he can be at home, and save his hack fare, as you know." george went over to jim milton, and after doing all he could see to do and ordering milton to do several things he thought might be done, he said casually: "of course i am boss around this shack, but this is new to me. you fellows will have to tell me what to do until i get my bearings. as soon as we get to running, i'll be yard-master, and manage the selling and shipping. i'm good at figures, and that would be the best place for me." "you'll have to settle with mrs. holt about that," said jim milton. "of course," said george. "isn't she a wonder? with my help, we'll soon wipe the hartley mills off the map, and be selling till grand rapids will get her eye peeled. with you to run the machinery, me to manage the sales, and her to keep the books, we got a combination to beat the world." "in the meantime," said jim milton dryly, "you might take that scoop shovel and clean the shavings and blocks off this floor. leave me some before the engine to start the first fire, and shovel the rest into that bin there where it's handy. it isn't safe to start with so much loose, dry stuff lying around." george went to work with the scoop shovel, but he watched every movement jim milton made about the engine and machinery. often he dropped the shovel and stood studying things out for himself, and asking questions. not being sure of his position, jim milton answered him patiently, and showed him all he wanted to know; but he constantly cautioned him not to touch anything, or try to start the machinery himself, as he might lose control of the gauge and break the saw, or let the power run away with him. george scoffed at the idea of danger and laughed at the simplicity of the engine and machinery. there was little for him to do. he hated to be seen cleaning up the debris; men who stopped in passing kept telling what a fine fellow young bates was, what good timber he was sending in. several of them told george frankly they thought that was to be his job. he was so ashamed of that, he began instant improvisation. "that was the way we first planned things," he said boastfully, "but when it came to working out our plans, we found i would be needed here till i learned the business, and then i'm going on the road. i am going to be the salesman. to travel, dress well, eat well, flirt with the pretty girls, and take big lumber orders will just about suit little old georgie." "wonder you remembered to put the orders in at all," said jim milton dryly. george glared at him. "well, just remember whom you take orders from," he said, pompously. "i take them from mrs. holt, and nobody else," said milton, with equal assurance. "and i've yet to hear her say the first word about this wonderful travelling proposition. she thinks she will do well to fill home orders and ship to a couple of factories she already has contracts with. sure you didn't dream that travelling proposition, george?" at that instant george wished he could slay jim milton. all day he brooded and grew sullen and ugly. by noon he quit working and went down town. by suppertime he went home to prove to his wife that he was all right. she happened to be coming across from the mill, where she had helped milton lay the first fire under the boiler ready to touch off, and had seen the first log on the set carriage. it had been agreed that she was to come over at opening time in the morning and start the machinery. she was a proud and eager woman when she crossed the bridge and started down the street toward the gate. from the opposite direction came george, so unsteady that he was running into tree boxes, then lifting his hat and apologizing to them for his awkwardness. kate saw at a glance that he might fall any instant. her only thought was to help him from the street, to where children would not see him. she went to him and taking his arm started down the walk with him. he took off his hat to her also, and walked with wavering dignity, setting his steps as if his legs were not long enough to reach the walk, so that each step ended with a decided thump. kate could see the neighbours watching at their windows, and her own children playing on the roof of the woodshed. when the children saw their parents, they both stopped playing to stare at them. then suddenly, shrill and high, arose adam's childish voice: "father came home the other night, tried to blow out the 'lectric light, blew and blew with all his might, and the blow almost killed mother." polly joined him, and they sang and shrilled, and shrieked it; they jumped up and down and laughed and repeated it again and again. kate guided george to his room and gave him a shove that landed him on his bed. then to hush the children she called them to supper. they stopped suddenly, as soon as they entered the kitchen door, and sat, sorry and ashamed while she went around, her face white, her lips closed, preparing their food. george was asleep. the children ate alone, as she could take no food. later she cleaned the kitchen, put the children to bed, and sat on the front porch looking at the mill, wondering, hoping, planning, praying unconsciously. when she went to bed at ten o'clock george was still asleep. he awakened shortly after, burning with heat and thirst. he arose and slipped to the back porch for a drink. water was such an aggravation, he crossed the yard, went out the back gate, and down the alley. when he came back up the street, he was pompously, maliciously, dangerously drunk. either less or more would have been better. when he came in sight of the mill, standing new and shining in the moonlight, he was a lord of creation, ready to work creation to his will. he would go over and see if things were all right. but he did not cross the bridge, he went down the side street, and entered the yard at the back. the doors were closed and locked, but there was as yet no latch on the sliding windows above the work bench. he could push them open from the ground. he leaned a board against the side of the mill, set his foot on it, and pulled himself up, so that he could climb on the bench. that much achieved, he looked around him. after a time his eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, so that he could see his way plainly. muddled half-thoughts began to filter through his brain. he remembered he was abused. he was out of it. he remembered that he was not the buyer for the mill. he remembered how the men had laughed when he had said that he was to be the salesman. he remembered that milton had said that he was not to touch the machinery. he at once slid from the bench and went to the boiler. he opened the door of the fire-box and saw the kindling laid ready to light, to get up steam. he looked at the big log on the set carriage. they had planned to start with a splurge in the morning. kate was to open the throttle that started the machinery. he decided to show them that they were not so smart. he would give them a good surprise by sawing the log. that would be a joke on them to brag about the remainder of his life. he took matches from his pocket and started the fire. it seemed to his fevered imagination that it burned far too slowly. he shoved in more kindling, shavings, ends left from siding. this smothered his fire, so he made trip after trip to the tinder box, piling in armloads of dry, inflammable stuff. then suddenly the flames leaped up. he slammed shut the door and started toward the saw. he could not make it work. he jammed and pulled everything he could reach. soon he realized the heat was becoming intense, and turned to the boiler to see that the fire-box was red hot almost all over, white hot in places. "my god!" he muttered. "too hot! got to cool that down." then he saw the tank and the dangling hose, and remembered that he had not filled the boiler. taking down the hose, he opened the watercock, stuck in the nozzle, and turned on the water full force. windows were broken across the street. parts of the fire-box, boiler, and fire flew everywhere. the walls blew out, the roof lifted and came down, the fire raged among the new, dry timbers of the mill. when her windows blew in, kate was thrown from her bed to the floor. she lay stunned a second, then dragged herself up to look across the street. there was nothing where the low white expanse of roof had spread an hour before, while a red glare was creeping everywhere over the ground. she ran to george's room and found it empty. she ran to the kitchen, calling him, and found the back door standing open. she rushed back to her room and began trying to put on her dress over her nightrobe. she could not control her shaking fingers, while at each step she cut her feet on broken glass. she reached the front door as the children came screaming with fright. in turning to warn them about the glass, she stumbled on the top step, pitched forward headlong, then lay still. the neighbours carried her back to her bed, called the doctor, and then saved all the logs in the yard they could. the following day, when the fire had burned itself out, the undertaker hunted assiduously, but nothing could be found to justify a funeral. chapter xx "for a good girl" for a week, kate lay so dazed she did not care whether she lived or died; then she slowly crept back to life, realizing that whether she cared or not, she must live. she was too young, too strong, to quit because she was soul sick; she had to go on. she had life to face for herself and her children. she wondered dully about her people, but as none of the neighbours who had taken care of her said anything concerning them, she realized that they had not been there. at first she was almost glad. they were forthright people. they would have had something to say; they would have said it tersely and to the point. adam, 3d, had wound up her affairs speedily by selling the logs he had bought for her to the hartley mills, paying what she owed, and depositing the remainder in the hartley bank to her credit; but that remainder was less than one hundred dollars. that winter was a long, dreadful nightmare to kate. had it not been for aunt ollie, they would have been hungry some of the time; they were cold most of it. for weeks kate thought of sending for her mother, or going to her; then as not even a line came from any of her family, she realized that they resented her losing that much bates money so bitterly that they wished to have nothing to do with her. often she sat for hours staring straight before her, trying to straighten out the tangle she had made of her life. as if she had not suffered enough in the reality of living, she now lived over in day and night dreams, hour by hour, her time with george holt, and gained nothing thereby. all winter kate brooded, barely managing to keep alive, and the children in school. as spring opened, she shook herself, arose, and went to work. it was not planned, systematic, effective, bates work. piecemeal she did anything she saw needed the doing. the children helped to make garden and clean the yard. then all of them went out to aunt ollie's and made a contract to plant and raise potatoes and vegetables on shares. they passed a neglected garden on the way, and learning that the woman of the house was ill, kate stopped and offered to tend it for enough cords of windfall wood to pay her a fair price, this to be delivered in mid-summer. with food and fire assured, kate ripped up some of george's clothing, washed, pressed, turned, and made adam warm clothes for school. she even achieved a dress for polly by making a front and back from a pair of her father's trouser legs, and setting in side pieces, a yoke and sleeves from one of her old skirts. george's underclothing she cut down for both of the children; then drew another check for taxes and second-hand books. while she was in hartley in the fall paying taxes, she stopped at a dry goods store for thread, and heard a customer asking for knitted mittens, which were not in stock. after he had gone, she arranged with the merchant for a supply of yarn which she carried home and began to knit into mittens such as had been called for. she used every minute of leisure during the day, she worked hours into the night, and soon small sums began coming her way. when she had a supply of teamster's heavy mittens, she began on fancy coloured ones for babies and children, sometimes crocheting, sometimes using needles. soon she started both children on the rougher work with her. they were glad to help for they had a lively remembrance of one winter of cold and hunger, with no christmas. that there were many things she might have done that would have made more money with less exertion kate never seemed to realize. she did the obvious thing. her brain power seemed to be on a level with that of adam and polly. when the children began to carry home christmas talk, kate opened her mouth to say the things that had been said to her as a child; then tightly closed it. she began getting up earlier, sitting up later, knitting feverishly. luckily the merchant could sell all she could furnish. as the time drew nearer, she gathered from the talk of the children what was the deepest desire of their hearts. one day a heavy wind driving ice-coated trees in the back yard broke quite a large limb from a cherry tree. kate dragged it into the woodhouse to make firewood. she leaned it against the wall to wait until the ice melted, and as it stood there in its silvery coat, she thought how like a small tree the branch was shaped, and how pretty it looked. after the children had gone to school the next day she shaped it with the hatchet and saw, and fastened it in a small box. this she carried to her bedroom and locked the door. she had not much idea what she was going to do, but she kept thinking. soon she found enough time to wrap every branch carefully with the red tissue paper her red knitting wool came in, and to cover the box smoothly. then she thought of the country christmas trees she had seen decorated with popcorn and cranberries. she popped the corn at night and the following day made a trip up the ravine, where she gathered all the bittersweet berries, swamp holly, and wild rose seed heads she could find. she strung the corn on fine cotton cord putting a rose seed pod between each grain, then used the bittersweet berries to terminate the blunt ends of the branches, and climb up the trunk. by the time she had finished this she was really interested. she achieved a gold star for the top from a box lid and a piece of gilt paper polly had carried home from school. with yarn ends and mosquito netting, she whipped up a few little mittens, stockings, and bags. she cracked nuts from their fall store and melting a little sugar stirred in the kernels until they were covered with a sweet, white glaze. then she made some hard candy, and some fancy cookies with a few sticks of striped candy cut in circles and dotted on the top. she polished red, yellow, and green apples and set them under the tree. when she made her final trip to hartley before christmas the spirit of the day was in the air. she breathed so much of it that she paid a dollar and a half for a stout sled and ten cents for a dozen little red candles, five each for two oranges, and fifteen each for two pretty little books, then after long hesitation added a doll for polly. she felt that she should not have done this, and said so, to herself; but knew if she had it to do over, she would do the same thing again. she shook her shoulders and took the first step toward regaining her old self-confidence. "pshaw! big and strong as i am, and adam getting such a great boy, we can make it," she said. then she hurried to the hack and was driven home barely in time to rush her bundles into her room before school was out. she could scarcely wait until the children were in bed to open the parcels. the doll had to be dressed, but kate was interested in christmas by that time, and so contemplated the spider-waisted image with real affection. she never had owned a doll herself. she let the knitting go that night, and cut up an old waist to make white under-clothing with touches of lace, and a pretty dress. then kate went to her room, tied the doll in a safe place on the tree, put on the books, and set the candles with pins. as she worked she kept biting her lips, but when it was all finished she thought it was lovely, and so it was. as she set the sled in front of the tree she said: "there, little folks, i wonder what you will think of that! it's the best i can do. i've a nice chicken to roast; now if only, if only mother or nancy ellen would come, or write a line, or merely send one word by tilly nepple." suddenly kate lay down on the bed, buried her face in the pillow while her shoulders jerked and shook in dry sobs for a long time. at last she arose, went to the kitchen, bathed her face, and banked the fires. "i suppose it is the bates way," she said, "but it's a cold, hard proposition. i know what's the matter with all of them. they are afraid to come near me, or show the slightest friendliness, for fear i'll ask them to help support us. they needn't worry, we can take care of ourselves." she set her tree on the living room table, arranged everything to the best advantage, laid a fire in the stove, and went to sleep christmas eve, feeling more like herself than she had since the explosion. christmas morning she had the house warm and the tree ready to light while the children dressed. she slipped away their every-day clothing and laid out their best instead. she could hear them talking as they dressed, and knew the change of clothing had filled them with hope. she hastily lighted the tree, and was setting the table as they entered the dining room. "merry christmas, little people," she cried in a voice they had not heard in a long time. they both rushed to her and kate's heart stood still as they each hugged her tight, kissed her, and offered a tiny packet. from the size and feeling of these, she realized that they were giving her the candy they had received the day before at school. surprises were coming thick and fast with kate. that one shook her to her foundations. they loved candy. they had so little! they had nothing else to give. she held them an instant so tightly they were surprised at her, then she told them to lay the packages on the living room table until after breakfast. polly opened the door, and screamed. adam ran, and then both of them stood silently before the brave little tree, flaming red, touched with white, its gold star shining. they looked at it, and then at each other, while kate, watching at an angle across the dining room, distinctly heard polly say in an awed tone: "adam, hadn't we better pray?" kate lifted herself full height, and drew a deep breath. "well, i guess i manage a little christmas after this," she said, "and maybe a fourth of july, and a birthday, and a few other things. i needn't be such a coward. i believe i can make it." from that hour she began trying to think of something she could do that would bring returns more nearly commensurate with the time and strength she was spending. she felt tied to walden because she owned the house, and could rely on working on shares with aunt ollie for winter food; but there was nothing she could do there and take care of the children that would bring more than the most meagre living. still they were living, each year more comfortably; the children were growing bigger and stronger; soon they could help at something, if only she could think what. the time flew, each day a repetition of yesterday's dogged, soul-tiring grind, until some days kate was close to despair. each day the house grew shabbier; things wore out and could not be replaced; poverty showed itself more plainly. so three more years of life in walden passed, setting their indelible mark on kate. time and again she almost broke the spell that bound her, but she never quite reached the place where her thought cleared, her heart regained its courage, her soul dared take wing, and try another flight. when she thought of it, "i don't so much mind the falling," said kate to herself; "but i do seem to select the hardest spots to light on." kate sat on the back steps, the sun shone, her nearest neighbour was spading an onion bed. she knew that presently she would get out the rake and spade and begin another year's work; but at that minute she felt too hopeless to move. adam came and sat on the step beside her. she looked at him and was surprised at his size and apparent strength. someway he gave her hope. he was a good boy, he had never done a mean, sneaking thing that she knew of. he was natural, normal, mischievous; but he had not an underhand inclination that she could discover. he would make a fine-looking, big man, quite as fine as any of the bates men; even adam, 3d, was no handsomer than the fourth adam would be. hope arose in her with the cool air of spring on her cheek and its wine in her nostrils. then out of the clear sky she said it: "adam, how long are we going to stay in the beggar class?" adam jumped, and turned surprised eyes toward her. kate was forced to justify herself. "of course we give aunt ollie half we raise," she said, "but anybody would do that. we work hard, and we live little if any better than jasons, who have the county trustee in three times a winter. i'm big and strong, you're almost a man, why don't we do something? why don't we have some decent clothes, some money for out work and"--kate spoke at random--"a horse and carriage?" "a horse and carriage?" repeated adam, staring at her. "why not?" said kate, casually. "but how?" cried the amazed boy. "why, earn the money, and buy it!" said kate, impatiently. "i'm about fed up on earning cabbage, and potatoes, and skirmishing for wood. i'd prefer to have a dollar in my pocket, and buy what we need. can't you use your brain and help me figure out a way to earn some money?" "i meant to pretty soon now, but i thought i had to go to school a few years yet," he said. "of course you do," said kate. "i must earn the money, but can't you help me think how?" "sure," said adam, sitting straight and seeming thoughtful, "but give me a little time. what would you--could you, do?" "i taught before i was married," said kate; "but methods of teaching change so i'd have to have a normal term to qualify for even this school. i could put you and polly with aunt ollie this summer; but i wouldn't, not if we must freeze and starve together--" "because of grandma?" asked the boy. kate nodded. "i borrowed money to go once, and i could again; but i have been away from teaching so long, and i don't know what to do with you children. the thing i would like would be to find a piece of land somewhere, with a house, any kind of one on it, and take it to rent. land is about all i really know. working for money would be of some interest. i am so dead tired working for potatoes. sometimes i see them flying around in the air at night." "do you know of any place you would like?" asked adam. "no, i don't," said kate, "but i am going to begin asking and i'm going to keep my eyes open. i heard yesterday that dr. james intends to build a new house. this house is nothing, but the lot is in the prettiest place in town. let's sell it to him, and take the money, and buy us some new furniture and a cow, and a team, and wagon, and a buggy, and go on a piece of land, and live like other people. seems to me i'll die if i have to work for potatoes any longer. i'm heart sick of them. don't say a word to anybody, but oh, adam, think! think hard! can't you just help me think?" "you are sure you want land?" asked the boy. "it is all i know," said kate. "how do you feel about it?" "i want horses, and cows, and pigs--lots of pigs--and sheep, and lots of white hens," said adam, promptly. "get the spade and spade the onion bed until i think," said kate. "and that reminds me, we didn't divide the sets last fall. somebody will have to go after them." "i'll go," said adam, "but it's awful early. it'll snow again. let me go after school friday and stay over night. i'd like to go and stay over night with aunt ollie. grandma can't say anything to me that i'll listen to. you keep polly, and let me go alone. sure i can." "all right," said kate. "spade the bed, and let it warm a day. it will be good for it. but don't tell polly you're going, or she'll want to go along." until friday night, kate and adam went around in such a daze of deep thought that they stumbled, and ran against each other; then came back to their affairs suddenly, looking at each other and smiling understandingly. after one of these encounters kate said to the boy: "you may not arrive at anything, adam, but i certainly can't complain that you are not thinking." adam grinned: "i'm not so sure that i haven't got it," he said. "tell me quick and let me think, too" said kate. "but i can't tell you yet," said adam. "i have to find out something first." friday evening he wanted to put off his trip until saturday morning, so kate agreed. she was surprised when he bathed and put on his clean shirt and trousers, but said not a word. she had made some study of child psychology, she thought making the trip alone was of so much importance to adam that he was dressing for the occasion. she foresaw extra washing, yet she said nothing to stop the lad. she waved good-bye to him, thinking how sturdy and good looking he was, as he ran out of the front door. kate was beginning to be worried when adam had not returned toward dusk sunday evening, and polly was cross and fretful. finally they saw him coming down the ravine bank, carrying his small bundle of sets. kate felt a glow of relief; polly ran to meet him. kate watched as they met and saw adam take polly's hand. "if only they looked as much alike as some twins do, i'd be thankful," said kate. adam delivered the sets, said aunt ollie and grandma were all right, that it was an awful long walk, and he was tired. kate noticed that his feet were dust covered, but his clothes were so clean she said to him: "you didn't fish much." "i didn't fish any," said adam, "not like i always fish," he added. "had any time to think?" asked kate. "you just bet i did," said the boy. "i didn't waste a minute." "neither did i," said kate. "i know exactly what the prettiest lot in town can be sold for." "good!" cried adam. "fine!" monday kate wanted to get up early and stick the sets, but adam insisted that aunt ollie said the sign would not be right until wednesday. if they were stuck on monday or tuesday, they would all grow to top. "my goodness! i knew that," said kate. "i am thinking so hard i'm losing what little sense i had; but anyway, mere thinking is doing me a world of good. i am beginning to feel a kind of rising joy inside, and i can't imagine anything else that makes it." adam went to school, laughing. kate did the washing and ironing, and worked in the garden getting beds ready. tuesday she was at the same occupation, when about ten o'clock she dropped her spade and straightened, a flash of perfect amazement crossing her face. she stood immovable save for swaying forward in an attitude of tense listening. "hoo! hoo!" kate ran across the yard and as she turned the corner of the house she saw a one-horse spring wagon standing before the gate, while a stiff, gaunt figure sat bolt upright on the seat, holding the lines. kate was at the wheel looking up with a face of delighted amazement. "why, mother!" she cried. "why, mother!" "go fetch a chair and help me down," said mrs. bates, "this seat is getting tarnation hard." kate ran after a chair, and helped her mother to alight. mrs. bates promptly took the chair, on the sidewalk. "just drop the thills," she said. "lead him back and slip on the halter. it's there with his feed." kate followed instructions, her heart beating wildly. several times she ventured a quick glance at her mother. how she had aged! how lined and thin she was! but oh, how blessed good it was to see her! mrs. bates arose and they walked into the house, where she looked keenly around, while her sharp eyes seemed to appraise everything as she sat down and removed her bonnet. "go fetch me a drink," she said, "and take the horse one and then i'll tell you why i came." "i don't care why you came," said kate, "but oh, mother, thank god you are here!" "now, now, don't get het up!" cautioned mrs. bates. "water, i said." kate hurried to obey orders; then she sank on a chair and looked at her mother. mrs. bates wiped her face and settled in the chair comfortably. "they's no use to waste words," she said. "katie, you're the only one in the family that has any sense, and sometimes you ain't got enough so's you could notice it without a magnifyin' glass; but even so, you're ahead of the rest of them. katie, i'm sick an' tired of the neppleses and the whistlers and being bossed by the whole endurin' bates tribe; sick and tired of it, so i just came after you." "came after me?" repeated kate stupidly. "yes, parrot, 'came after you,'" said mrs. bates. "i told you, you'd no great amount of sense. i'm speakin' plain, ain't i? i don't see much here to hold you. i want you should throw a few traps, whatever you are beholden to, in the wagon--that's why i brought it--and come on home and take care of me the rest of my time. it won't be so long; i won't interfere much, nor be much bother. i've kep' the place in order, but i'm about fashed. i won't admit it to the rest of them; but i don't seem to mind telling you, katie, that i am almost winded. will you come?" "of course i will," said kate, a tide of effulgent joy surging up in her heart until it almost choked her. "of course i will, mother, but my children, won't they worry you?" "never having had a child about, i s'pect likely they may," said mrs. bates, dryly. "why, you little fool! i think likely it's the children i am pinin' for most, though i couldn't a-stood it much longer without you. will you get ready and come with me to-day?" "yes," said kate, "if i can make it. there's very little here i care for; i can have the second-hand man give me what he will for the rest; and i can get a good price for the lot to-day, if i say so. dr. james wants it to build on. i'll go and do the very best i can, and when you don't want me any longer, adam will be bigger and we can look out for ourselves. yes, i'll get ready at once if you want me to." "not much of a haggler, are you, katie?" said mrs. bates. "why don't you ask what rooms you're to have, and what i'll pay you, and how much work you'll have to do, and if you take charge of the farm, and how we share up?" kate laughed: "mother," she said, "i have been going to school here, with the master of life for a teacher; and i've learned so many things that really count, that i know now none of the things you mention are essential. you may keep the answers to all those questions; i don't care a cent about any of them. if you want me, and want the children, all those things will settle themselves as we come to them. i didn't use to understand you; but we got well enough acquainted at father's funeral, and i do, now. whatever you do will be fair, just, and right. i'll obey you, as i shall expect adam and polly to." "well, for lands sakes, katie," said mrs. bates. "life must a-been weltin' it to you good and proper. i never expected to see you as meek as moses. that holt man wasn't big enough to beat you, was he?" "the ways in which he 'beat' me no bates would understand. i had eight years of them, and i don't understand them yet; but i am so cooked with them, that i shall be wild with joy if you truly mean for me to pack up and come home with you for awhile." "oh, lordy, katie!" said mrs. bates. "this whipped out, take-anything-anyway style ain't becomin' to a big, fine, upstanding woman like you. hold up your head, child! hold up your head, and say what you want, an' how you want it!" "honestly, mother, i don't want a thing on earth but to go home with you and do as you say for the next ten years," said kate. "stiffen up!" cried mrs. bates. "stiffen up!" "don't be no broken reed, katie! i don't want you dependin' on me; i came to see if you would let me lean on you the rest of the way. i wa'n't figuring that there was anything on this earth that could get you down; so's i was calculatin' you'd be the very one to hold me up. since you seem to be feeling unaccountably weak in the knees, let's see if we can brace them a little. livin' with pa so long must kind of given me a tendency toward nussin' a deed. i've got one here i had executed two years ago, and i was a coming with it along about now, when 'a little bird tole me' to come to-day, so here i am. take that, katie." mrs. bates pulled a long sealed envelope from the front of her dress and tossed it in kate's lap. "mother, what is this?" asked kate in a hushed voice. "well, if you'd rather use your ears than your eyes, it's all the same to me," said mrs. bates. "the boys always had a mortal itchin' to get their fingers on the papers in the case. i can't say i don't like the difference; and i've give you every chance, too, an you wouldn't demand, you wouldn't specify. well, i'll just specify myself. i'm dead tired of the neighbours taking care of me, and all of the children stoppin' every time they pass, each one orderin' or insinuatin' according to their lights, as to what i should do. i've always had a purty clear idea of what i wanted to do myself. over forty years, i sided with pa, to keep the peace; now i reckon i'm free to do as i like. that's my side. you can tell me yours, now." kate shook her head: "i have nothing to say." "jest as well," said mrs. bates. "re-hashing don't do any good. come back, and come to-day; but stiffen up. that paper you are holding is a warrantee deed to the home two hundred to you and your children after you. you take possession to-day. there's money in the bank to paper, an' paint, and make any little changes you'd like, such as cutting doors or windows different places, floorin' the kitchen new, or the like. take it an' welcome. i got more 'an enough to last me all my days; all i ask of you is my room, my food, and your company. take the farm, and do what you pretty please with it." "but, mother!" cried kate. "the rest of them! they'd tear me limb for limb. i don't dare take this." "oh, don't you?" asked mrs. bates. "well, i still stand for quite a bit at bates corners, and i say you will take that farm, and run it as you like. it is mine, i give it to you. we all know it wasn't your fault you lost your money, though it was a dose it took some of us a good long time to swallow. you are the only one out of your share; you settled things fine for the rest of them; and they all know it, and feel it. you'll never know what you did for me the way you put me through pa's funeral; now if you'll just shut up, and stick that deed somewhere it won't burn, and come home an' plant me as successfully as you did pa, you'll have earned all you'll get, an' something coming. now set us out a bite to eat, and let's be off." kate slowly arose and handed back the deed. "i'll be flying around so lively i might lose that," she said, "you put it where you had it, till we get to hartley, and then i'll get a place in the bank vault for it. i can't quite take this in, just yet, but you know i'll do my best for you, mother!" "tain't likely i'd be here else," said mrs. bates, "and tea, katie. a cup of good strong hot tea would fix me up about proper, right now." kate went to the kitchen and began setting everything she had to eat on the table. as she worked polly came flying in the door crying: "mother, who has come?" so kate stepped toward the living room to show the child to her grandmother and as she advanced she saw a queer thing. adam was sitting on his grandmother's lap. her arms were tight around him, her face buried in his crisp hair, and he was patting her shoulder and telling her he would take care of her, while her voice said distinctly: "of course you will, birdie!" then the lad and the old woman laid their heads together and laughed almost hysterically. "well, if that isn't quick work!" said kate to herself. then she presented polly, who followed adam's lead in hugging the stranger first and looking at her afterward. god bless all little children. then adam ran to tell the second-hand man to come at one o'clock and dr. james that he might have the keys at three. they ate hurriedly. kate set out what she wished to save; the children carried things to the wagon; she packed while they ran after their books, and at three o'clock all of them climbed into the spring wagon, and started to bates corners. kate was the last one in. as she climbed on the seat beside her mother and took the lines, she handed mrs. bates a small china mug to hold for her. it was decorated with a very fat robin and on a banner floating from its beak was inscribed: "for a good girl." chapter xxi life's boomerang as they drove into hartley, mrs. bates drew forth the deed. "you are right about the bank being a safe place for this," she said. "i've had it round the house for two years, and it's a fair nervous thing to do. i wish i'd a-had sense to put it there and come after you the day i made it. but there's no use crying over spilt milk, nor fussin' with the grease spot it makes; salt it down safely now, and when you get it done, beings as this setting is fairly comfortable, take time to run into harding's and pick up some sunday-school clothes for the children that will tally up with the rest of their relations'; an' get yourself a cheap frock or two that will spruce you up a bit till you have time to decide what you really want." kate passed the lines to her mother, and climbed from the wagon. she returned with her confidence partly restored and a new look on her face. her mother handed her two dimes. "i can wait five minutes longer," she said. "now get two nice oranges and a dime's worth of candy." kate took the money and obeyed orders. she handed the packages to her mother as she climbed into the wagon and again took the lines, heading the horse toward the old, familiar road. her mother twisted around on the seat and gave each of the children an orange and a stick of candy. "there!" she said. "go on and spoil yourselves past redemption." kate laughed. "but, mother," she said, "you never did that for us." "which ain't saying i never wanted to," said mrs. bates, sourly. "you're a child only once in this world; it's a little too rough to strip childhood of everything. i ain't so certain bates ways are right, that for the rest of my time i'm goin' to fly in the face of all creation to prove it. if god lets me live a few years more, i want the faces around me a little less discontenteder than those i've been used to. if god almighty spares me long enough, i lay out to make sure that adam and polly will squeeze out a tear or two for granny when she is laid away." "i think you are right, mother," said kate. "it didn't cost anything, but we had a real pretty christmas tree this year, and i believe we can do better next time. i want the children to love you, but don't buy them." "well, i'd hardly call an orange and a stick of candy traffickin' in affection," said mrs. bates. "they'll survive it without underminin' their principles, i'll be bound, or yours either. katie, let's make a beginning to-day. let's work what is right, and healthy, a fair part of the day, and then each day, and sunday especially, let's play and rest, just as hard as we work. it's been all work and no play till we've been mighty 'dull boys' at our house; i'm free to say that i hanker for a change before i die." "don't speak so often of dying," said kate. "you're all right. you've been too much alone. you'll feel like yourself as soon as you get rested." "i guess i been thinking about it too much," said mrs. bates. "i ain't been so well as i might, an' not being used to it, it worries me some. i got to buck up. the one thing i can't do is to die; but i'm most tired enough to do it right now. i'll be glad when we get home." kate drove carefully, but as fast as she dared with her load. as they neared bates corners, the way became more familiar each mile. kate forgot the children, forgot her mother, forgot ten years of disappointment and failure, and began a struggle to realize what was happening to her now. the lines slipped down, the horse walked slowly, the first thing she knew, big hot tears splashed on her hand. she gathered up the lines, drew a deep breath, and glanced at her mother, meeting her eye fairly. kate tried to smile, but her lips were quivering. "glad, katie?" asked mrs. bates. kate nodded. "me, too!" said mrs. bates. they passed the orchard. "there's the house, there, polly!" cried adam. "why, adam, how did you know the place?" asked kate, turning. adam hesitated a second. "ain't you told us times a-plenty about the house and the lilac, and the snowball bush--" "yes, and the cabbage roses," added polly. "so i have," said kate. "mostly last winter when we were knitting. yes, this will be home for all the rest of our lives. isn't it grand? how will we ever thank grandmother? how will we ever be good enough to pay her?" both children thought this a hint, so with one accord they arose and fell on mrs. bates' back, and began to pay at once in coin of childhood. "there, there," said kate, drawing them away as she stopped the horse at the gate. "there, there, you will choke grandmother." mrs. bates pushed kate's arm down. "mind your own business, will you?" she said. "i ain't so feeble that i can't speak for myself awhile yet." in a daze kate climbed down, and ran to bring a chair to help her mother. the children were boisterously half eating mrs. bates up; she had both of them in her arms, with every outward evidence of enjoying the performance immensely. that was a very busy evening, for the wagon was to be unpacked; all of them were hungry, while the stock was to be fed, and the milking done. mrs. bates and polly attempted supper; kate and adam went to the barn; but they worked very hurriedly, for kate could see how feeble her mother had grown. when at last the children were bathed and in bed, kate and her mother sat on the little front porch to smell spring a few minutes before going to rest. kate reached over and took her mother's hand. "there's no word i know in any language big enough to thank you for this, mother," she said. "the best i can do is make each day as nearly a perfect expression of what i feel as possible." mrs. bates drew away her hand and used it to wipe her eyes; but she said with her usual terse perversity: "my, kate! you're most as wordy as agatha. i'm no glibtonguer, but i bet you ten dollars it will hustle you some to be any gladder than i am." kate laughed and gave up the thanks question. "to-morrow we must get some onions in," she said. "have you made any plans about the farm work for this year yet?" "no," said mrs. bates. "i was going to leave that till i decided whether i'd come after you this spring or wait until next. since i decided to come now, i'll just leave your farm to you. handle it as you please." "mother, what will the other children say?" implored kate. "humph! you are about as well acquainted with them as i am. take a shot at it yourself. if it will avoid a fuss, we might just say you had to come to stay with me, and run the farm for me, and let them get used to your being here, and bossing things by degrees; like the man that cut his dog's tail off an inch at a time, so it wouldn't hurt so bad." "but by inches, or 'at one fell swoop,' it's going to hurt," said kate. "sometimes it seems to me," said mrs. bates, "that the more we get hurt in this world the decenter it makes us. all the boys were hurt enough when pa went, but every man of them has been a bigger, better man since. instead of competing as they always did, adam and andrew and the older, beforehandeder ones, took hold and helped the younger as you told them to, and it's done the whole family a world of good. one thing is funny. to hear mary talk now, you'd think she engineered that plan herself. the boys are all thankful, and so are the girls. i leave it to you. tell them or let them guess it by degrees, it's all one to me." "tell me about nancy ellen and robert," said kate. "robert stands head in hartley. he gets bigger and broader every year. he is better looking than a man has any business to be; and i hear the hartley ladies give him plenty of encouragement in being stuck on himself, but i think he is true to nancy ellen, and his heart is all in his work. no children. that's a burning shame! both of them feel it. in a way, and strictly between you and me, nancy ellen is a disappointment to me, an' i doubt if she ain't been a mite of a one to him. he had a right to expect a good deal of nancy ellen. she had such a good brain, and good body, and purty face. i may miss my guess, but it always strikes me that she falls short of what he expected of her. he's coined money, but she hasn't spent it in the ways he would. likely i shouldn't say it, but he strikes me as being just a leetle mite too good for her." "oh, mother!" said kate. "now you lookey here," said mrs. bates. "suppose you was a man of robert's brains, and education, and professional ability, and you made heaps of money, and no children came, and you had to see all you earned, and stood for, and did in a community spent on the selfishness of one woman. how big would you feel? what end is that for the ambition and life work of a real man? how would you like it?" "i never thought of such a thing," said kate. "well, mark my word, you will think of it when you see their home, and her clothes, and see them together," said mrs. bates. "she still loves pretty clothing so well?" asked kate. "she is the best-dressed woman in the county, and the best looking," said mrs. bates, "and that's all there is to her. i'm free to say with her chances, i'm ashamed of what she has, and hasn't made of herself. i'd rather stand in your shoes, than hers, this minute, katie." "does she know i'm here?" asked kate. "yes. i stopped and told her on my way out, this morning," said mrs. bates. "i asked them to come out for sunday dinner, and they are coming." "did you deliver the invitation by force?" asked kate. "now, none of your meddling," said mrs. bates. "i got what i went after, and that was all i wanted. i've told her an' told her to come to see you during the last three years, an' i know she wanted to come; but she just had that stubborn bates streak in her that wouldn't let her change, once her mind was made up. it did give us a purty severe jolt, kate, havin' all that good bates money burn up." "i scarcely think it jolted any of you more than it did me," said kate dryly. "no, i reckon it didn't," said mrs. bates. "but they's no use hauling ourselves over the coals to go into that. it's past. you went out to face life bravely enough and it throwed you a boomerang that cut a circle and brought you back where you started from. our arrangements for the future are all made. now it's up to us to live so that we get the most out of life for us an' the children. those are mighty nice children of yours, kate. i take to that boy something amazin', and the girl is the nicest little old lady i've seen in many a day. i think we will like knittin' and sewin' together, to the top of our bent." "my, but i'm glad you like them, mother," said kate. "they are all i've got to show for ten years of my life." "not by a long shot, katie," said mrs. bates. "life has made a real woman of you. i kept watchin' you to-day comin' over; an' i was prouder 'an jehu of you. it's a debatable question whether you have thrown away your time and your money. i say you've got something to show for it that i wish to god the rest of my children had. i want you should brace your back, and stiffen your neck, and make things hum here. get a carpenter first. fix the house the way it will be most convenient and comfortable. then paint and paper, and get what new things you like, in reason--of course, in reason--and then i want you should get all of us clothes so's there ain't a noticeable difference between us and the others when we come together here or elsewhere. put in a telephone; they're mighty handy, and if you can scrape up a place--i washed in nancy ellen's tub a few weeks ago. i never was wet all over at once before in my life, and i'm just itching to try it again. i say, let's have it, if it knocks a fair-sized hole in a five-hundred-dollar bill. an' if we had the telephone right now, we could call up folks an' order what we want without ever budgin' out of our tracks. go up ahead, katie, i'll back you in anything you can think of. it won't hurt my feelings a mite if you can think of one or two things the rest of them haven't got yet. can't you think of something that will lay the rest of them clear in the shade? i just wish you could. now, i'm going to bed." kate went with her mother, opened her bed, pulled out the pins, and brushed her hair, drew the thin cover over her, and blew out the light. then she went past the bed on her way to the door, and stooping, she kissed her mother for the first time since she could remember. then she lighted a lamp, hunted a big sheet of wrapping paper, and sitting down beside the living room table, she drew a rough sketch of the house. for hours she pored over it, and when at last she went to bed, on the reverse of the sheet she had a drawing that was quite a different affair; yet it was the same house with very few and easily made changes that a good contractor could accomplish in a short time. in the morning, she showed these ideas to her mother who approved all of them, but still showed disappointment visibly. "that's nothing but all the rest of them have," she said. "i thought you could think up some frills that would be new, and different." "well," said kate, "would you want to go to the expense of setting up a furnace in the cellar? it would make the whole house toasty warm; it would keep the bathroom from freezing in cold weather; and make a better way to heat the water." "now you're shouting!" cried mrs. bates. "that's it! but keep still. don't you tell a soul about it, but go on and do it, katie. wade right in! what else can you think of?" "a brain specialist for you," said kate. "i think myself this is enough for a start; but if you insist on more, there's a gas line passing us out there on the road; we could hitch on for a very reasonable sum, and do away with lamps and cooking with wood." "goody for you! that's it!" cried mrs. bates. "that's the very thing! now brush up your hair your prettiest, and put on your new blue dress, and take the buggy, and you and adam go see how much of this can be started to-day. me and polly will keep house." in a month all of these changes had been made, and were in running order; the painting was finished, new furniture in place, a fair start made on the garden, while a strong, young, hired man was not far behind hiram with his plowing. kate was so tired she almost staggered; but she was so happy she arose each morning refreshed, and accomplished work enough for three average women before the day was over. she suggested to her mother that she use her money from the sale of the walden home to pay for what furniture she had bought, and then none of the others could feel that they were entitled to any share in it, at any time. mrs. bates thought that a good idea, so much ill will was saved among the children. they all stopped in passing; some of them had sharp words to say, which kate instantly answered in such a way that this was seldom tried twice. in two months the place was fresh, clean, convenient, and in good taste. all of them had sufficient suitable clothing, while the farm work had not been neglected enough to hurt the value of the crops. in the division of labour, adam and the hired man took the barn and field work, mrs. bates and polly the house, while kate threw all her splendid strength wherever it was most needed. if a horse was sick, she went to the barn and doctored it. if the hay was going to get wet, she pitched hay. if the men had not time for the garden she attended it, and hoed the potatoes. for a change, everything went right. mrs. bates was happier than she ever had been before, taking the greatest interest in the children. they had lived for three years in such a manner that they would never forget it. they were old enough to appreciate what changes had come to them, and to be very keen about their new home and life. kate threw herself into the dream of her heart with all the zest of her being. always she had loved and wanted land. now she had it. she knew how to handle it. she could make it pay as well as any bates man, for she had man strength, and all her life she had heard men discuss, and helped men apply man methods. there was a strong strain of her father's spirit of driving in kate's blood; but her mother was so tired of it that whenever kate had gone just so far the older woman had merely to caution: "now, now, katie!" to make kate realized what she was doing and take a slower pace. all of them were well, happy, and working hard; but they also played at proper times, and in convenient places. kate and her mother went with the children when they fished in the meadow brook, or hunted wild flowers in the woods for polly's bed in the shade of the pear tree beside the garden. there were flowers in the garden now, as well as vegetables. there was no work done on sunday. the children always went to sunday-school and the full term of the district school at bates corners. they were respected, they were prosperous, they were finding a joy in life they never before had known, while life had taught them how to appreciate its good things as they achieved them. the first christmas mrs. bates and kate made a christmas tree from a small savine in the dooryard that stood where kate wanted to set a flowering shrub she had found in the woods. guided by the former year, and with a few dollars they decided to spend, these women made a real christmas tree, with gifts and ornaments, over which mrs. bates was much more excited than the children. indeed, such is the perversity of children that kate's eyes widened and her mouth sagged when she heard adam say in a half-whisper to polly: "this is mighty pretty, but gee, polly, there'll never be another tree as pretty as ours last year!" while polly answered: "i was just thinking about it, adam. wasn't it the grandest thing?" the next christmas mrs. bates advanced to a tree that reached the ceiling, with many candles, real ornaments, and an orange, a stocking of candy and nuts, and a doll for each girl, and a knife for each boy of her grandchildren, all of whom she invited for dinner. adam, 3d, sat at the head of the table, mrs. bates at the foot. the tiniest tots that could be trusted without their parents ranged on the dictionary and the bible, of which the bates family possessed a fat edition for birth records; no one had ever used it for any other purpose, until it served to lift hiram's baby, milly, on a level with her roast turkey and cranberry jelly. for a year before her party mrs. bates planned for it. the tree was beautiful, the gifts amazing, the dinner, as kate cooked and served it, a revelation, with its big centre basket of red, yellow, and green apples, oranges, bananas, grapes, and flowers. none of them ever had seen a table like that. then when dinner was over, kate sat before the fire and in her clear voice, with fine inflections, she read from the big book the story of the guiding star and the little child in the manger. then she told stories, and they played games until four o'clock; and then adam rolled all of the children into the big wagon bed mounted on the sled runners, and took them home. then he came back and finished the day. mrs. bates could scarcely be persuaded to go to bed. when at last kate went to put out her mother's light, and see that her feet were warm and her covers tucked, she found her crying. "why, mother!" exclaimed kate in frank dismay. "wasn't everything all right?" "i'm just so endurin' mad," sobbed mrs. bates, "that i could a-most scream and throw things. here i am, closer the end of my string than anybody knows. likely i'll not see another christmas. i've lived the most of my life, and never knowed there was a time like that on earth to be had. there wasn't expense to it we couldn't easy have stood, always. now, at the end of my tether, i go and do this for my grandchildren. 'tween their little shining faces and me, there kept coming all day the little, sad, disappointed faces of you and nancy ellen, and mary, and hannah, and adam, and andrew, and hiram and all the others. ever since he went i've thought the one thing i couldn't do was to die and face adam bates, but to-day i ain't felt so scared of him. seems to me he has got about as much to account for as i have." kate stood breathlessly still, looking at her mother. mrs. bates wiped her eyes. "i ain't so mortal certain," she said, "that i don't open up on him and take the first word. i think likely i been defrauded out of more that really counts in this world, than he has. ain't that little roly-poly of hannah's too sweet? seems like i'll hardly quit feeling her little sticky hands and her little hot mouth on my face when i die; and as she went out she whispered in my ear: 'do it again, grandma, oh, please do it again!' an it's more'n likely i'll not get the chance, no matter how willing i am. kate, i am going to leave you what of my money is left--i haven't spent so much--and while you live here, i wish each year you would have this same kind of a party and pay for it out of that money, and call it 'grandmother's party.' will you?" "i surely will," said kate. "and hadn't i better have all of them, and put some little thing from you on the tree for them? you know how hiram always was wild for cuff buttons, and mary could talk by the hour about a handkerchief with lace on it, and andrew never yet has got that copy of 'aesop's fables,' he always wanted. shall i?" "yes," said mrs. bates. "oh, yes, and when you do it, katie, if they don't chain me pretty close in on the other side, i think likely i'll be sticking around as near as i can get to you." kate slipped a hot brick rolled in flannel to the cold old feet, and turning out the light she sat beside the bed and stroked the tired head until easy breathing told her that her mother was sound asleep. then she went back to the fireplace and sitting in the red glow she told adam, 3d, part of what her mother had said. long after he was gone, she sat gazing into the slowly graying coals, her mind busy with what she had not told. that spring was difficult for kate. day after day she saw her mother growing older, feebler, and frailer. and as the body failed, up flamed the wings of the spirit, carrying her on and on, each day keeping her alive, when kate did not see how it could be done. with all the force she could gather, each day mrs. bates struggled to keep going, denied that she felt badly, drove herself to try to help about the house and garden. kate warned the remainder of the family what they might expect at any hour; but when they began coming in oftener, bringing little gifts and being unusually kind, mrs. bates endured a few of the visits in silence, then she turned to kate and said after her latest callers: "i wonder what in the name of all possessed ails the folks? are they just itching to start my funeral? can't they stay away until you send them word that the breath's out of my body?" "mother, you shock me," said kate. "they come because they love you. they try to tell you so with the little things they bring. most people would think they were neglected, if their children did not come to see them when they were not so well." "not so well!" cried mrs. bates. "folly! i am as well as i ever was. they needn't come snooping around, trying to make me think i'm not. if they'd a-done it all their lives, well and good; it's no time for them to begin being cotton-mouthed now." "mother," said kate gently, "haven't you changed, yourself, about things like christmas, for example? maybe your children are changing, too. maybe they feel that they have missed something they'd like to have from you, and give back to you, before it's too late. just maybe," said kate. mrs. bates sat bolt upright still, but her flashing eyes softened. "i hadn't just thought of that," she said. "i think it's more than likely. well, if it's that way, i s'pose i've got to button up my lip and stand it; but it's about more than i can go, when i know that the first time i lose my grip i'll land smash up against adam bates and my settlement with him." "mother," said kate still more gently, "i thought we had it settled at the time father went that each of you would be accountable to god, not to each other. i am a wanderer in darkness myself, when it come to talking about god, but this i know, he is somewhere and he is redeeming love. if father has been in the light of his love all these years, he must have changed more, far more than you have. he'll understand now how wrong he was to force ways on you he knew you didn't think right; he'll have more to account to you for than you ever will to him; and remember this only, neither of you is accountable, save to your god." mrs. bates arose and walked to the door, drawn to full height, her head very erect. the world was at bloom-time. the evening air was heavily sweet with lilacs, and the widely branching, old apple trees of the dooryard with loaded with flowers. she stepped outside. kate followed. her mother went down the steps and down the walk to the gate. kate kept beside her, in reach, yet not touching her. at the gate she gripped the pickets to steady herself as she stared long and unflinchingly at the red setting sun dropping behind a white wall of bloom. then she slowly turned, life's greatest tragedy lining her face, her breath coming in short gasps. she spread her hands at each side, as if to balance herself, her passing soul in her eyes, and looked at kate. "katherine eleanor," she said slowly and distinctly, "i'm going now. i can't fight it off any longer. i confess myself. i burned those deeds. every one of them. pa got himself afire, but he'd thrown them out of it. it was my chance. i took it. are you going to tell them?" kate was standing as tall and straight as her mother, her hands extended the same, but not touching her. "no," she said. "you were an instrument in the hands of god to right a great wrong. no! i shall never tell a soul while i live. in a minute god himself will tell you that you did what he willed you should." "well, we will see about that right now," said mrs. bates, lifting her face to the sky. "into thy hands, o lord, into thy hands!" then she closed her eyes and ceased to breathe. kate took her into her arms and carried her to her bed. chapter xxii somewhat of polly if the spirit of mrs. bates hovered among the bloom-whitened apple trees as her mortal remains were carried past the lilacs and cabbage rose bushes, through a rain of drifting petals, she must have been convinced that time had wrought one great change in the hearts of her children. they had all learned to weep; while if the tears they shed were a criterion of their feelings for her, surely her soul must have been satisfied. they laid her away with simple ceremony and then all of them went to their homes, except nancy ellen and robert, who stopped in passing to learn if there was anything they could do for kate. she was grieving too deeply for many words; none of them would ever understand the deep bond of sympathy and companionship that had grown to exist between her and her mother. she stopped at the front porch and sat down, feeling unable to enter the house with nancy ellen, who was deeply concerned over the lack of taste displayed in agatha's new spring hat. when kate could endure it no longer she interrupted: "why didn't all of them come?" "what for?" asked nancy ellen. "they had a right to know what mother had done," said kate in a low voice. "but what was the use?" asked nancy ellen. "adam had been managing the administrator business for mother and paying her taxes with his, of course when she made a deed to you, and had it recorded, they told him. all of us knew it for two years before she went after you. and the new furniture was bought with your money, so it's yours; what was there to have a meeting about?" "mother didn't understand that you children knew," said kate. "sometimes i thought there were a lot of things mother didn't understand," said nancy ellen, "and sometimes i thought she understood so much more than any of the rest of us, that all of us would have had a big surprise if we could have seen her brain." "yes, i believe we would," said kate. "do you mind telling me how the boys and girls feel about this?" nancy ellen laughed shortly. "well, the boys feel that you negotiated such a fine settlement of father's affairs for them, that they owe this to you. the girls were pretty sore at first, and some of them are nursing their wrath yet; but there wasn't a thing on earth they could do. all of them were perfectly willing that you should have something--after the fire--of course, most of them thought mother went too far." "i think so myself," said kate. "but she never came near me, or wrote me, or sent me even one word, until the day she came after me. i had nothing to do with it--" "all of us know that, kate," said nancy ellen. "you needn't worry. we're all used to it, and we're all at the place where we have nothing to say." to escape grieving for her mother, kate worked that summer as never before. adam was growing big enough and strong enough to be a real help. he was interested in all they did, always after the reason, and trying to think of a better way. kate secured the best agricultural paper for him and they read it nights together. they kept an account book, and set down all they spent, and balanced against it all they earned, putting the difference, which was often more than they hoped for, in the bank. so the years ran. as the children grew older, polly discovered that the nicest boy in school lived across the road half a mile north of them; while adam, after a real struggle in his loyal twin soul, aided by the fact that henry peters usually had divided his apples with polly before adam reached her, discovered that milly york, across the road, half a mile south, liked his apples best, and was as nice a girl as polly ever dared to be. in a dazed way, kate learned these things from their after-school and sunday talk, saw that they nearly reached her shoulder, and realized that they were sixteen. so quickly the time goes, when people are busy, happy, and working together. at least kate and adam were happy, for they were always working together. by tacit agreement, they left polly the easy housework, and went themselves to the fields to wrestle with the rugged work of a farm. they thought they were shielding polly, teaching her a woman's real work, and being kind to her. polly thought they were together because they liked to be; doing the farm work because it suited them better; while she had known from babyhood that for some reason her mother did not care for her as she did for adam. she thought at first that it was because adam was a boy. later, when she noticed her mother watching her every time she started to speak, and interrupting with the never-failing caution: "now be careful! think before you speak! are you sure?" she wondered why this should happen to her always, to adam never. she asked adam about it, but adam did not know. it never occurred to polly to ask her mother, while kate was so uneasy it never occurred to her that the child would notice or what she would think. the first time polly deviated slightly from the truth, she and kate had a very terrible time. kate felt fully justified; the child astonished and abused. polly arrived at the solution of her problem slowly. as she grew older, she saw that her mother, who always was charitable to everyone else, was repelled by her grandmother, while she loved aunt ollie. older still, polly realized that she was a reproduction of her grandmother. she had only to look at her to see this; her mother did not like her grandmother, maybe mother did not like her as well as adam, because she resembled her grandmother. by the time she was sixteen, polly had arrived at a solution that satisfied her as to why her mother liked adam better, and always left her alone in the house to endless cooking, dishwashing, sweeping, dusting, washing, and ironing, while she hoed potatoes, pitched hay, or sheared sheep. polly thought the nicer way would have been to do the housework together and then go to the fields together; but she was a good soul, so she worked alone and brooded in silence, and watched up the road for a glimpse of henry peters, who liked to hear her talk, and to whom it mattered not a mite that her hair was lustreless, her eyes steel coloured, and her nose like that of a woman he never had seen. in her way, polly admired her mother, loved her, and worked until she was almost dropping for kate's scant, infrequent words of praise. so polly had to be content in the kitchen. one day, having finished her work two hours before dinnertime, she sauntered to the front gate. how strange that henry peters should be at the end of the field joining their land. when he waved, she waved back. when he climbed the fence she opened the gate. they met halfway, under the bloomful shade of a red haw. henry wondered who two men he had seen leaving the holt gate were, and what they wanted, but he was too polite to ask. he merely hoped they did not annoy her. oh, no, they were only some men to see mother about some business, but it was most kind of him to let her know he was looking out for her. she got so lonely; mother never would let her go to the field with her. of course not! the field was no place for such a pretty girl; there was enough work in the house for her. his sister should not work in the field, if he had a sister, and polly should not work there, if she belonged to him; no-sir-ee! polly looked at henry with shining, young girl eyes, and when he said she was pretty, her blue-gray eyes softened, her cheeks pinked up, the sun put light in her hair nature had failed to, and lo and behold, the marvel was wrought--plain little polly became a thing of beauty. she knew it instantly, because she saw herself in henry peters' eyes. and henry was so amazed when this wonderful transformation took place in little polly, right there under the red haw tree, that his own eyes grew big and tender, his cheeks flooded with red blood, his heart shook him, and he drew to full height, and became possessed of an overwhelming desire to dance before polly, and sing to her. he grew so splendid, polly caught her breath, and then she smiled on him a very wondering smile, over the great discovery; and henry grew so bewildered he forgot either to dance or sing as a preliminary. he merely, just merely, reached out and gathered polly in his arms, and held her against him, and stared down at her wonderful beauty opening right out under his eyes. "little beautiful!" said henry peters in a hushed, choking voice, "little beautiful!" polly looked up at him. she was every bit as beautiful as he thought her, while he was so beautiful to polly that she gasped for breath. how did he happen to look as he did, right under the red haw, in broad daylight? he had been hers, of course, ever since, shy and fearful, she had first entered bates corners school, and found courage in his broad, encouraging smile. now she smiled on him, the smile of possession that was in her heart. henry instantly knew she always had belonged to him, so he grasped her closer, and bent his head. when henry went back to the plow, and polly ran down the road, with the joy of the world surging in her heart and brain, she knew that she was going to have to account to her tired, busy mother for being half an hour late with dinner; and he knew he was going to have to explain to an equally tired father why he was four furrows short of where he should be. he came to book first, and told the truth. he had seen some men go to the holts'. polly was his little chum; and she was always alone all summer, so he just walked that way to be sure she was safe. his father looked at him quizzically. "so that's the way the wind blows!" he said. "well, i don't know where you could find a nicer little girl or a better worker. i'd always hoped you'd take to milly york; but polly is better; she can work three of milly down. awful plain, though!" this sacrilege came while henry's lips were tingling with their first kiss, and his heart was drunken with the red wine of innocent young love. "why, dad, you're crazy!" he cried. "there isn't another girl in the whole world as pretty and sweet as polly. milly york? she can't hold a candle to polly! besides, she's been adam's as long as polly has been mine!" "god bless my soul!" cried mr. peters. "how these youngsters to run away with us. and are you the most beautiful young man at bates corners, henry?" "i'm beautiful enough that polly will put her arms around my neck and kiss me, anyway," blurted henry. "so you and ma can get ready for a wedding as soon as polly says the word. i'm ready, right now." "so am i," said mr. peters, "and from the way ma complains about the work i and you boys make her, i don't think she will object to a little help. polly is a good, steady worker." polly ran, but she simply could not light the fire, set the table, and get things cooked on time, while everything she touched seemed to spill or slip. she could not think what, or how, to do the usual for the very good reason that henry peters was a prince, and a knight, and a lover, and a sweetheart, and her man; she had just agreed to all this with her soul, less than an hour ago under the red haw. no wonder she was late, no wonder she spilled and smeared; and red of face she blundered and bungled, for the first time in her life. then in came kate. she must lose no time, the corn must be finished before it rained. she must hurry--for the first time dinner was late, while polly was messing like a perfect little fool. kate stepped in and began to right things with practised hand. disaster came when she saw polly, at the well, take an instant from bringing in the water, to wave in the direction of the peters farm. as she entered the door, kate swept her with a glance. "have to upset the bowl, as usual?" she said, scathingly. "just as i think you're going to make something of yourself, and be of some use, you begin mooning in the direction of that big, gangling hank peters. don't you ever let me see you do it again. you are too young to start that kind of foolishness. i bet a cow he was hanging around here, and made you late with dinner." "he was not! he didn't either!" cried polly, then stopped in dismay, her cheeks burning. she gulped and went on bravely: "that is, he wasn't here, and he didn't make me late, any more than i kept him from his work. he always watches when there are tramps and peddlers on the road, because he knows i'm alone. i knew he would be watching two men who stopped to see you, so i just went as far as the haw tree to tell him i was all right, and we got to talking--" if only kate had been looking at polly then! but she was putting the apple butter and cream on the table. as she did so, she thought possibly it was a good idea to have henry peters seeing that tramps did not frighten polly, so she missed dawn on the face of her child, and instead of what might have been, she said: "well, i must say that is neighbourly of him; but don't you dare let him get any foolish notions in his head. i think aunt nancy ellen will let you stay at her house after this, and go to the hartley high school in winter, so you can come out of that much better prepared to teach than i ever was. i had a surprise planned for you to-night, but now i don't know whether you deserve it or not. i'll have to think." kate did not think at all. after the manner of parents, she said that, but her head was full of something she thought vastly more important just then; of course polly should have her share in it. left alone to wash the dishes and cook supper while her mother went to town, it was polly, who did the thinking. she thought entirely too much, thought bitterly, thought disappointedly, and finally thought resentfully, and then alas, polly thought deceitfully. her mother had said: "never let me see you." very well, she would be extremely careful that she was not seen; but before she slept she rather thought she would find a way to let henry know how she was being abused, and about that plan to send her away all the long winter to school. she rather thought henry would have something to say about how his "little beautiful" was being treated. here polly looked long and searchingly in the mirror to see if by any chance henry was mistaken, and she discovered he was. she stared in amazement at the pink-cheeked, shining eyed girl she saw mirrored. she pulled her hair looser around the temples, and drew her lips over her teeth. surely henry was mistaken. "little beautiful" was too moderate. she would see that he said "perfectly lovely," the next time, and he did. chapter xxiii kate's heavenly time one evening kate and polly went to the front porch to rest until bedtime and found a shining big new trunk sitting there, with kate's initials on the end, her name on the check tag, and a key in the lock. they unbuckled the straps, turned the key, and lifted the lid. that trunk contained underclothing, hose, shoes, two hats, a travelling dress with half a dozen extra waists, and an afternoon and an evening dress, all selected with especial reference to kate's colouring, and made one size larger than nancy ellen wore, which fitted kate perfectly. there were gloves, a parasol, and a note which read: dear kate: here are some clothes. i am going to go north a week after harvest. you can be spared then as well as not. come on! let's run away and have one good time all by ourselves. it is my treat from start to finish. the children can manage the farm perfectly well. any one of her cousins will stay with polly, if she will be lonely. cut loose and come on, kate. i am going. of course robert couldn't be pried away from his precious patients; we will have to go alone; but we do not care. we like it. shall we start about the tenth, on the night train, which will be cooler? nancy ellen. "we shall!" said kate emphatically, when she finished the note. "i haven't cut loose and had a good time since i was married; not for eighteen years. if the children are not big enough to take care of themselves, they never will be. i can go as well as not." she handed the note to polly, while she shook out dresses and gloated over the contents of the trunk. "of course you shall go!" shouted polly as she finished the note, but even as she said it she glanced obliquely up the road and waved a hand behind her mother's back. "sure you shall go!" cried adam, when he finished the note, and sat beside the trunk seeing all the pretty things over again. "you just bet you shall go. polly and i can keep house, fine! we don't need any cousins hanging around. i'll help polly with her work, and then we'll lock the house and she can come out with me. sure you go! we'll do all right." then he glanced obliquely down the road, where a slim little figure in white moved under the cherry trees of the york front yard, aimlessly knocking croquet balls here and there. it was two weeks until time to go, but kate began taking care of herself at once, solely because she did not want nancy ellen to be ashamed of her. she rolled her sleeves down to meet her gloves and used a sunbonnet instead of a sunshade. she washed and brushed her hair with care she had not used in years. by the time the tenth of july came, she was in very presentable condition, while the contents of the trunk did the remainder. as she was getting ready to go, she said to polly: "now do your best while i'm away, and i am sure i can arrange with nancy ellen about school this winter. when i get back, the very first thing i shall do will be to go to hartley and buy some stuff to begin on your clothes. you shall have as nice dresses as the other girls, too. nancy ellen will know exactly what to get you." but she never caught a glimpse of polly's flushed, dissatisfied face or the tightening of her lips that would have suggested to her, had she seen them, that miss polly felt perfectly capable of selecting the clothing she was to wear herself. adam took his mother's trunk to the station in the afternoon. in the evening she held polly on her knee, while they drove to dr. gray's. kate thought the children would want to wait and see them take the train, but adam said that would make them very late getting home, they had better leave that to uncle robert and go back soon; so very soon they were duly kissed and unduly cautioned; then started back down a side street that would not even take them through the heart of the town. kate looked after them approvingly: "pretty good youngsters," she said. "i told them to go and get some ice cream; but you see they are saving the money and heading straight home." she turned to robert. "can anything happen to them?" she asked, in evident anxiety. "rest in peace, kate," laughed the doctor. "you surely know that those youngsters are going to be eighteen in a few weeks. you've reared them carefully. nothing can, or will, happen to them, that would not happen right under your nose if you were at home. they will go from now on according to their inclinations." kate looked at him sharply: "what do you mean by that?" she demanded. he laughed: "nothing serious," he said. "polly is half bates, so she will marry in a year or two, while adam is all bates, so he will remain steady as the rock of ages, and strictly on the job. go have your good time, and if i possibly can, i'll come after you." "you'll do nothing of the kind," said nancy ellen, with finality. "you wouldn't leave your patients, and you couldn't leave dear mrs. southey." "if you feel that way about it, why do you leave me?" he asked. "to show the little fool i'm not afraid of her, for one thing," said nancy ellen with her head high. she was very beautiful in her smart travelling dress, while her eyes flashed as she spoke. the doctor looked at her approvingly. "good!" he cried. "i like a plucky woman! go to have a good time, nancy ellen; but don't go for that. i do wish you would believe that there isn't a thing the matter with the little woman, she's--" "i can go even farther than that," said nancy ellen, dryly. "i know 'there isn't a thing the matter with the little woman,' except that she wants you to look as if you were running after her. i'd be safe in wagering a thousand dollars that when she hears i'm gone, she will send for you before to-morrow evening." "you may also wager this," he said. "if she does, i shall be very sorry, but i'm on my way to the country on an emergency call. nancy ellen, i wish you wouldn't!" "wouldn't go north, or wouldn't see what every other living soul in hartley sees?" she asked curtly. then she stepped inside to put on her hat and gloves. kate looked at the doctor in dismay. "oh, robert!" she said. "i give you my word of honour, kate," he said. "if nancy ellen only would be reasonable, the woman would see shortly that my wife is all the world to me. i never have been, and never shall be, untrue to her. does that satisfy you?" "of course," said kate. "i'll do all in my power to talk nancy ellen out of that, on this trip. oh, if she only had children to occupy her time!" "that's the whole trouble in a nutshell," said the doctor; "but you know there isn't a scarcity of children in the world. never a day passes but i see half a dozen who need me, sorely. but with nancy ellen, no child will do unless she mothers it, and unfortunately, none comes to her." "too bad!" said kate. "i'm so sorry!" "cheer her up, if you can," said the doctor. an hour later they were speeding north, nancy ellen moody and distraught, kate as frankly delighted as any child. the spring work was over; the crops were fine; adam would surely have the premium wheat to take to the county fair in september; he would work unceasingly for his chance with corn; he and polly would be all right; she could see polly waiting in the stable yard while adam unharnessed and turned out the horse. kate kept watching nancy ellen's discontented face. at last she said: "cheer up, child! there isn't a word of truth in it!" "i know it," said nancy ellen. "then why take the way of all the world to start, and keep people talking?" asked kate. "i'm not doing a thing on earth but attending strictly to my own business," said nancy ellen. "that's exactly the trouble," said kate. "you're not. you let the little heifer have things all her own way. if it were my man, and i loved him as you do robert gray, you can stake your life i should be doing something, several things, in fact." "this is interesting," said nancy ellen. "for example--?" kate had not given such a matter a thought. she looked from the window a minute, her lips firmly compressed. then she spoke slowly: "well, for one thing, i should become that woman's bosom companion. about seven times a week i should uncover her most aggravating weakness all unintentionally before the man in the case, at the same time keeping myself, strictly myself. i should keep steadily on doing and being what he first fell in love with. lastly, since eighteen years have brought you no fulfillment of the desire of your heart, i should give it up, and content myself and delight him by taking into my heart and home a couple of the most attractive tiny babies i could find. two are scarcely more trouble than one; you can have all the help you will accept; the children would never know the difference, if you took them as babies, and soon you wouldn't either; while robert would be delighted. if i were you, i'd give myself something to work for besides myself, and i'd give him so much to think about at home, that charming young grass widows could go to grass!" "i believe you would," said nancy ellen, wonderingly. "i believe you would!" "you're might right, i would," said kate. "if i were married to a man like robert gray, i'd fight tooth and nail before i'd let him fall below his high ideals. it's as much your job to keep him up, as it is his to keep himself. if god didn't make him a father, i would, and i'd keep him busy on the job, if i had to adopt sixteen." nancy ellen laughed, as they went to their berths. the next morning they awakened in cool michigan country and went speeding north among evergreen forests and clear lakes mirroring the pointed forest tops and blue sky, past slashing, splashing streams, in which they could almost see the speckled trout darting over the beds of white sand. by late afternoon they had reached their destination and were in their rooms, bathed, dressed, and ready for the dinner hour. in the evening they went walking, coming back to the hotel tired and happy. after several days they began talking to people and making friends, going out in fishing and boating parties in the morning, driving or boating in the afternoon, and attending concerts or dances at night. kate did not dance, but she loved to see nancy ellen when she had a sufficiently tall, graceful partner; while, as she watched the young people and thought how innocent and happy they seemed, she asked her sister if they could not possibly arrange for adam and polly to go to hartley a night or two a week that winter, and join the dancing class. nancy ellen was frankly delighted, so kate cautiously skirted the school question in such a manner that she soon had nancy ellen asking if it could not be arranged. when that was decided, nancy ellen went to dance, while kate stood on the veranda watching her. the lights from the window fell strongly on kate. she was wearing her evening dress of smoky gray, soft fabric, over shining silk, with knots of dull blue velvet and gold lace here and there. she had dressed her hair carefully; she appeared what she was, a splendid specimen of healthy, vigorous, clean womanhood. "pardon me, mrs. holt," said a voice at her elbow, "but there's only one head in this world like yours, so this, of course, must be you." kate's heart leaped and stood still. she turned slowly, then held out her hand, smiling at john jardine, but saying not a word. he took her hand, and as he gripped it tightly he studied her frankly. "thank god for this!" he said, fervently. "for years i've dreamed of you and hungered for the sight of your face; but you cut me off squarely, so i dared not intrude on you--only the lord knows how delighted i am to see you here, looking like this." kate smiled again. "come away," he begged. "come out of this. come walk a little way with me, and tell me who you are, and how you are, and all the things i think of every day of my life, and now i must know. it's brigandage! come, or i shall carry you!" "pooh! you couldn't!" laughed kate. "of course i'll come! and i don't own a secret. ask anything you want to know. how good it is to see you! your mother--?" "at rest, years ago," he said. "she never forgave me for what i did, in the way i did it. she said it would bring disaster, and she was right. i thought it was not fair and honest not to let you know the worst. i thought i was too old, and too busy, and too flourishing, to repair neglected years at that date, but believe me, kate, you waked me up. try the hardest one you know, and if i can't spell it, i'll pay a thousand to your pet charity." kate laughed spontaneously. "are you in earnest?" she asked. "i am incomprehensibly, immeasurably in earnest," he said, guiding her down a narrow path to a shrub-enclosed, railed-in platform, built on the steep side of a high hill, where they faced the moon-whitened waves, rolling softly in a dancing procession across the face of the great inland sea. here he found a seat. "i've nothing to tell," he said. "i lost mother, so i went on without her. i learned to spell, and a great many other things, and i'm still making money. i never forget you for a day; i never have loved and never shall love any other woman. that's all about me, in a nutshell; now go on and tell me a volume, tell me all night, about you. heavens, woman, i wish you could see yourself, in that dress with the moon on your hair. kate, you are the superbest thing! i always shall be mad about you. oh, if only you could have had a little patience with me. i thought i couldn't learn, but of course i could. but, proceed! i mustn't let myself go." kate leaned back and looked a long time at the shining white waves and the deep blue sky, then she turned to john jardine, and began to talk. she told him simply a few of the most presentable details of her life: how she had lost her money, then had been given her mother's farm, about the children, and how she now lived. he listened with deep interest, often interrupting to ask a question, and when she ceased talking he said half under his breath: "and you're now free! oh, the wonder of it! you're now, free!" kate had that night to think about the remainder of her life. she always sincerely hoped that the moonlight did not bewitch her into leading the man beside her into saying things he seemed to take delight in saying. she had no idea what time it was; in fact, she did not care even what nancy ellen thought or whether she would worry. the night was wonderful; john jardine had now made a man of himself worthy of all consideration; being made love to by him was enchanting. she had been occupied with the stern business of daily bread for so long that to be again clothed as other women and frankly adored by such a man as john jardine was soul satisfying. what did she care who worried or what time it was? "but i'm keeping you here until you will be wet with these mists," john jardine cried at last. "forgive me, kate, i never did have any sense where you were concerned! i'll take you back now, but you must promise me to meet me here in the morning, say at ten o'clock. i'll take you back now, if you'll agree to that." "there's no reason why i shouldn't," said kate. "and you're free, free!" he repeated. the veranda, halls, and ballroom were deserted when they returned to the hotel. as kate entered her room, nancy ellen sat up in bed and stared at her sleepily, but she was laughing in high good humour. she drew her watch from under her pillow and looked at it. "goodness gracious, miss!" she cried. "do you know it's almost three o'clock?" "i don't care in the least," said kate, "if it's four or five. i've had a perfectly heavenly time. don't talk to me. i'll put out the light and be quiet as soon as i get my dress off. i think likely i've ruined it." "what's the difference?" demanded nancy ellen, largely. "you can ruin half a dozen a day now, if you want to." "what do you mean?" asked kate. "'mean?'" laughed nancy ellen. "i mean that i saw john jardine or his ghost come up to you on the veranda, looking as if he'd eat you alive, and carry you away about nine o'clock, and you've been gone six hours and come back having had a 'perfectly heavenly time.' what should i mean! go up head, kate! you have earned your right to a good time. it isn't everybody who gets a second chance in this world. tell me one thing, and i'll go to sleep in peace and leave you to moon the remainder of the night, if you like. did he say he still loved you?" "still and yet," laughed kate. "as i remember, his exact words were that he 'never had loved and never would love any other woman.' now are you satisfied?" nancy ellen sprang from the bed and ran to kate, gathering her in her strong arms. she hugged and kissed her ecstatically. "good! good! oh, you darling!" she cried. "there'll be nothing in the world you can't have! i just know he had gone on making money; he was crazy about you. oh, kate, this is too good! how did i ever think of coming here, and why didn't i think of it seven years ago? kate, you must promise me you'll marry him, before i let you go." "i'll promise to think about it," said kate, trying to free herself, for despite the circumstances and the hour, her mind flew back to a thousand times when only one kind word from nancy ellen would have saved her endless pain. it was endless, for it was burning in her heart that instant. at the prospect of wealth, position, and power, nancy ellen could smother her with caresses; but poverty, pain, and disgrace she had endured alone. "i shan't let you go till you promise," threatened nancy ellen. "when are you to see him again?" "ten, this morning," said kate. "you better let me get to bed, or i'll look a sight." "then promise," said nancy ellen. kate laid firm hands on the encircling arms. "now, look here," she said, shortly, "it's about time to stop this nonsense. there's nothing i can promise you. i must have time to think. i've got not only myself, but the children to think for. and i've only got till ten o'clock, so i better get at it." kate's tone made nancy ellen step back. "kate, you haven't still got that letter in your mind, have you?" she demanded. "no!" laughed kate, "i haven't! he offered me a thousand dollars if i could pronounce him a word he couldn't spell; and it's perfectly evident he's studied until he is exactly like anybody else. no, it's not that!" "then what is it? simpleton, there was nothing else!" cried nancy ellen. "not so much at that time; but this is nearly twenty years later, and i have the fate of my children in my hands. i wish you'd go to bed and let me think!" said kate. "yes, and the longer you think the crazier you will act," cried nancy ellen. "i know you! you better promise me now, and stick to it." for answer kate turned off the light; but she did not go to bed. she sat beside the window and she was still sitting there when dawn crept across the lake and began to lighten the room. then she stretched herself beside nancy ellen, who roused and looked at her. "you just coming to bed?" she cried in wonder. "at least you can't complain that i didn't think," said kate, but nancy ellen found no comfort in what she said, or the way she said it. in fact, she arose when kate did, feeling distinctly sulky. as they returned to their room from breakfast, kate laid out her hat and gloves and began to get ready to keep her appointment. nancy ellen could endure the suspense no longer. "kate," she said in her gentlest tones, "if you have no mercy on yourself, have some on your children. you've no right, positively no right, to take such a chance away from them." "chance for what?" asked kate tersely. "education, travel, leisure, every opportunity in the world," enumerated nancy ellen. kate was handling her gloves, her forehead wrinkled, her eyes narrowed in concentration. "that is one side of it," she said. "the other is that neither my children nor i have in our blood, breeding, or mental cosmos, the background that it takes to make one happy with money in unlimited quantities. so far as i'm concerned personally, i'm happier this minute as i am, than john jardine's money ever could make me. i had a fierce struggle with that question long ago; since i have had nearly eight years of life i love, that is good for my soul, the struggle to leave it would be greater now. polly would be happier and get more from life as the wife of big gangling henry peters, than she would as a millionaire's daughter. she'd be very suitable in a farmhouse parlour; she'd be a ridiculous little figure at a ball. as for adam, he'd turn this down quick and hard." "just you try him!" cried nancy ellen. "for one thing, he won't be here at ten o'clock," said kate, "and for another, since it involves my becoming the wife of john jardine, it isn't for adam to decide. this decision is strictly my own. i merely mention the children, because if i married him, it would have an inevitable influence on their lives, an influence that i don't in the least covet either for them or for myself. nancy ellen, can't you remotely conceive of such a thing as one human being in the world who is satisfied that he has his share, and who believes to the depths of his soul that no man should be allowed to amass, and to use for his personal indulgence, the amount of money that john jardine does?" "yes, i can," cried nancy ellen, "when i see you, and the way you act! you have chance after chance, but you seem to think that life requires of you a steady job of holding your nose to the grindstone. it was rather stubby to begin with, go on and grind it clear off your face, if you like." "all right," said kate. "then i'll tell you definitely that i have no particular desire to marry anybody; i like my life immensely as i'm living it. i'm free, independent, and my children are in the element to which they were born, and where they can live naturally, and spend their lives helping in the great work of feeding, clothing, and housing their fellow men. i've no desire to leave my job or take them from theirs, to start a lazy, shiftless life of self-indulgence. i don't meddle much with the bible, but i have a profound belief in it, and a large respect for it, as the greatest book in the world, and it says: 'by the sweat of his brow shall man earn his bread,' or words to that effect. i was born a sweater, i shall just go on sweating until i die; i refuse to begin perspiring at my time of life." "you big fool!" cried nancy ellen. "look out! you're 'in danger of hell fire,' when you call me that!" warned kate. "fire away!" cried nancy ellen, with tears in her eyes and voice. "when i think what you've gone through--" kate stared at her fixedly. "what do you know about what i've gone though?" she demanded in a cold, even voice. "personally, i think you're not qualified to mention that subject; you better let it rest. whatever it has been, it's been of such a nature that i have come out of it knowing when i have my share and when i'm well off, for me. if john jardine wants to marry me, and will sell all he has, and come and work on the farm with me, i'll consider marrying him. to leave my life and what i love to go to chicago with him, i do not feel called on, or inclined to do. no, i'll not marry him, and in about fifteen minutes i'll tell him so." "and go on making a mess of your life such as you did for years," said nancy ellen, drying her red eyes. "at least it was my life," said kate. "i didn't mess things for any one else." "except your children," said nancy ellen. "as you will," said kate, rising. "i'll not marry john jardine; and the sooner i tell him so and get it over, the better. good-bye. i'll be back in half an hour." kate walked slowly to the observation platform, where she had been the previous evening with john jardine; and leaning on the railing, she stood looking out over the water, and down the steep declivity, thinking how best she could word what she had to say. she was so absorbed she did not hear steps behind her or turn until a sharp voice said: "you needn't wait any longer. he's not coming!" kate turned and glanced at the speaker, and then around to make sure she was the person being addressed. she could see no one else. the woman was small, light haired, her face enamelled, dressed beyond all reason, and in a manner wholly out of place for morning at a summer resort in michigan. "if you are speaking to me, will you kindly tell me to whom you refer, and give me the message you bring?" said kate. "i refer to mr. john jardine, mrs. holt," said the little woman and then kate saw that she was shaking, and gripping her hands for self-control. "very well," said kate. "it will save me an unpleasant task if he doesn't come. thank you," and she turned back to the water. "you certainly didn't find anything unpleasant about being with him half last night," said the little woman. kate turned again, and looked narrowly at the speaker. then she laughed heartily. "well done, jennie!" she cried. "why, you are such a fashionable lady, such a dolly varden, i never saw who you were. how do you do? won't you sit down and have a chat? it's just dawning on me that very possibly, from your dress and manner, i should have called you mrs. jardine." "didn't he tell you?" cried jennie. "he did not," said kate. "your name was not mentioned. he said no word about being married." "we have been married since a few weeks after mrs. jardine died. i taught him the things you turned him down for not knowing; i have studied him, and waited on him, and borne his children, and this is my reward. what are you going to do?" "go back to the hotel, when i finish with this view," said kate. "i find it almost as attractive by day as it was by night." "brazen!" cried mrs. jardine. "choose your words carefully," said kate. "i was here first; since you have delivered your message, suppose you go and leave me to my view." "not till i get ready," said mrs. jardine. "perhaps it will help you to know that i was not twenty feet from you at any time last night; and that i stood where i could have touched you, while my husband made love to you for hours." "so?" said kate. "i'm not at all surprised. that's exactly what i should have expected of you. but doesn't it clarify the situation any, at least for me, when i tell you that mr. jardine gave me no faintest hint that he was married? if you heard all we said, you surely remember that you were not mentioned?" mrs. jardine sat down suddenly and gripped her little hands. kate studied her intently. she wondered what she would look like when her hair was being washed; at this thought she smiled broadly. that made the other woman frantic. "you can well laugh at me," she said. "i made the banner fool of the ages of myself when i schemed to marry him. i knew he loved you. he told me so. he told me, just as he told you last night, that he never had loved any other woman and he never would. i thought he didn't know himself as i knew him. he was so grand to his mother, i thought if i taught him, and helped him back to self-respect, and gave him children, he must, and would love me. well, i was mistaken. he does not, and never will. every day he thinks of you; not a night but he speaks your name. he thinks all things can be done with money--" "so do you, jennie," interrupted kate. "well, i'll show you that this can't!" "didn't you hear him exulting because you are now free?" cried jennie. "he thinks he will give me a home, the children, a big income; then secure his freedom and marry you." "oh, don't talk such rot!" cried kate. "john jardine thinks no such thing. he wouldn't insult me by thinking i thought such a thing. that thought belongs where it sprang from, right in your little cramped, blonde brain, jennie." "you wouldn't? are you sure you wouldn't?" cried jennie, leaning forward with hands clutched closely. "i should say not!" said kate. "the last thing on earth i want is some other woman's husband. now look here, jennie, i'll tell you the plain truth. i thought last night that john jardine was as free as i was; or i shouldn't have been here with him. i thought he was asking me again to marry him, and i was not asleep last night, thinking it over. i came here to tell him that i would not. does that satisfy you?" "satisfy?" cried jennie. "i hope no other woman lives in the kind of hell i do." "it's always the way," said kate, "when people will insist on getting out of their class. you would have gotten ten times more from life as the wife of a village merchant, or a farmer, than you have as the wife of a rich man. since you're married to him, and there are children, there's nothing for you to do but finish your job as best you can. rest your head easy about me. i wouldn't touch john jardine married to you; i wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole, divorced from you. get that clear in your head, and do please go!" kate turned again to the water, but when she was sure jennie was far away she sat down suddenly and asked of the lake: "well, wouldn't that freeze you?" chapter xxiv polly tries her wings finally kate wandered back to the hotel and went to their room to learn if nancy ellen was there. she was and seemed very much perturbed. the first thing she did was to hand kate a big white envelope, which she opened and found to be a few lines from john jardine, explaining that he had been unexpectedly called away on some very important business. he reiterated his delight in having seen her, and hoped for the same pleasure at no very distant date. kate read it and tossed it on the dresser. as she did so, she saw a telegram, lying opened among nancy ellen's toilet articles, and thought with pleasure that robert was coming. she glanced at her sister for confirmation, and saw that she was staring from the window as if she were in doubt about something. kate thought probably she was still upset about john jardine, and that might as well be gotten over, so she said: "that note was not delivered promptly. it is from john jardine. i should have had it before i left. he was called away on important business and wrote to let me know he would not be able to keep his appointment; but without his knowledge, he had a representative on the spot." nancy ellen seemed interested so kate proceeded: "you couldn't guess in a thousand years. i'll have to tell you spang! it was his wife." "his wife!" cried nancy ellen. "but you said--" "so i did," said kate. "and so he did. since the wife loomed on the horizon, i remembered that he said no word to me of marriage; he merely said he always had loved me and always would--" "merely?" scoffed nancy ellen. "merely!" "just 'merely,'" said kate. "he didn't lay a finger on me; he didn't ask me to marry him; he just merely met me after a long separation, and told me that he still loved me." "the brute!" said nancy ellen. "he should be killed." "i can't see it," said kate. "he did nothing ungentlemanly. if we jumped to wrong conclusions that was not his fault. i doubt if he remembered or thought at all of his marriage. it wouldn't be much to forget. i am fresh from an interview with his wife. she's an old acquaintance of mine. i once secured her for his mother's maid. you've heard me speak of her." "impossible! john jardine would not do that!" cried nancy ellen. "there's a family to prove it," said kate. "jennie admits that she studied him, taught him, made herself indispensable to him, and a few weeks after his mother's passing, married him, after he had told her he did not love her and never could. i feel sorry for him." "sure! poor defrauded creature!" said nancy ellen. "what about her?" "nothing, so far as i can see," said kate. "by her own account she was responsible. she should have kept in her own class." "all right. that settles jennie!" said nancy ellen. "i saw you notice the telegram from robert--now go on and settle me!" "is he coming?" asked kate. "no, he's not coming," said nancy ellen. "has he eloped with the widder?" asked kate flippantly. "he merely telegraphs that he thinks it would be wise for us to come home on the first train," said nancy ellen. "for all i can make of that, the elopement might quite as well be in your family as mine." kate held out her hand, nancy ellen laid the message in it. kate studied it carefully; then she raised steady eyes to her sister's face. "do you know what i should do about this?" she asked. "catch the first train, of course," she said. "far be it from me," said kate. "i should at once telegraph him that his message was not clear, to kindly particularize. we've only got settled. we're having a fine time; especially right now. why should we pack up and go home? i can't think of any possibility that could arise that would make it necessary for him to send for us. can you?" "i can think of two things," said nancy ellen. "i can think of a very pretty, confiding, little cat of a woman, who is desperately infatuated with my husband; and i can think of two children fathered by george holt, who might possibly, just possibly, have enough of his blood in their veins to be like him, given opportunity. alone for a week, there is barely a faint possibility that you might be needed. alone for the same week, there is the faintest possibility that robert is in a situation where i could help him." kate drew a deep breath. "isn't life the most amusing thing?" she asked. "i had almost forgotten my wings. i guess we'd better take them, and fly straight home." she arose and called the office to learn about trains, and then began packing her trunk. as she folded her dresses and stuffed them in rather carelessly she said: "i don't know why i got it into my head that i could go away and have a few days of a good time without something happening at home." "but you are not sure anything has happened at home. this call may be for me," said nancy ellen. "it may, but this is july," said kate. "i've been thinking hard and fast. it's probable i can put my finger on the spot." nancy ellen paused and standing erect she looked questioningly at kate. "the weak link in my chain at the present minute is polly," said kate. "i didn't pay much attention at the time, because there wasn't enough of it really to attract attention; but since i think, i can recall signs of growing discontent in polly, lately. she fussed about the work, and resented being left in the house while i went to the fields, and she had begun looking up the road to peters' so much that her head was slightly turned toward the north most of the time. with me away--" "what do you think?" demanded nancy ellen. "think very likely she has decided that she'll sacrifice her chance for more schooling and to teach, for the sake of marrying a big, green country boy named hank peters," said kate. "thereby keeping in her own class," suggested nancy ellen. kate laughed shortly. "exactly!" she said. "i didn't aspire to anything different for her from what she has had; but i wanted her to have more education, and wait until she was older. marriage is too hard work for a girl to begin at less than eighteen. if it is polly, and she has gone away with hank peters, they've no place to go but his home; and if ever she thought i worked her too hard, she'll find out she has played most of her life, when she begins taking orders from mrs. amanda peters. you know her! she never can keep a girl more than a week, and she's always wanting one. if polly has tackled that job, god help her." "cheer up! we're in that delightful state of uncertainty where polly may be blacking the cook stove, like a dutiful daughter; while robert has decided that he'd like a divorce," said nancy ellen. "nancy ellen, there's nothing in that, so far as robert is concerned. he told me so the evening we came away," said kate. nancy ellen banged down a trunk lid and said: "well, i am getting to the place where i don't much care whether there is or there is not." "what a whopper!" laughed kate. "but cheer up. this is my trouble. i feel it in my bones. wish i knew for sure. if she's eloped, and it's all over with, we might as well stay and finish our visit. if she's married, i can't unmarry her, and i wouldn't if i could." "how are you going to apply your philosophy to yourself?" asked nancy ellen. "by letting time and polly take their course," said kate. "this is a place where parents are of no account whatever. they stand back until it's time to clean up the wreck, and then they get theirs--usually theirs, and several of someone's else, in the bargain." as the train stopped at hartley, kate sat where she could see robert on the platform. it was only a fleeting glance, but she thought she had never seen him look so wholesome, so vital, so much a man to be desired. "no wonder a woman lacking in fine scruples would covet him," thought kate. to nancy ellen she said hastily: "the trouble's mine. robert's on the platform." "where?" demanded nancy ellen, peering from the window. kate smiled as she walked from the car and confronted robert. "get it over quickly," she said. "it's polly?" he nodded. "did she remember to call on the squire?" she asked. "oh, yes," said robert. "it was at peters', and they had the whole neighbourhood in." kate swayed slightly, then lifted her head, her eyes blazing. she had come, feeling not altogether guiltless, and quite prepared to overlook a youthful elopement. the insult of having her only daughter given a wedding at the home of the groom, about which the whole neighbourhood would be laughing at her, was a different matter. slowly the high colour faded from kate's face, as she stepped back. "excuse me, nancy ellen," she said. "i didn't mean to deprive you of the chance of even speaking to robert. i knew this was for me; i was over-anxious to learn what choice morsel life had in store for me now. it's one that will be bitter on my tongue to the day of my death." "oh, kate, i as so sorry that if this had to happen, it happened in just that way," said nancy ellen, "but don't mind. they're only foolish kids!" "who? mr. and mrs. peters, and the neighbours, who attended the wedding! foolish kids? oh, no!" said kate. "where's adam?" "i told him i'd bring you out," said robert. "why didn't he send for you, or do something?" demanded kate. "i'm afraid the facts are that polly lied to him," said robert. "she told him that peters were having a party, and mrs. peters wanted her to come early and help her with the supper. they had the magistrate out from town and had the ceremony an hour before adam got there. when he arrived, and found out what had happened, he told polly and the peters family exactly his opinion of them; and then he went home and turned on all the lights, and sat where he could be seen on the porch all evening, as a protest in evidence of his disapproval, i take it." slowly the colour began to creep back into kate's face. "the good boy!" she said, in commendation. "he called me at once, and we talked it over and i sent you the telegram; but as he said, it was done; there was no use trying to undo it. one thing will be a comfort to you. all of your family, and almost all of your friends, left as soon as adam spoke his piece, and they found it was a wedding and not a party to which they'd been invited. it was a shabby trick of peters." kate assented. "it was because i felt instinctively that mrs. peters had it in her to do tricks like that, that i never would have anything to do with her," said kate, "more than to be passing civil. this is how she gets her revenge, and her hired girl, for no wages, i'll be bound! it's a shabby trick. i'm glad adam saved me the trouble of telling her so." robert took nancy ellen home, and then drove to bates corners with kate. "in a few days now i hope we can see each other oftener," he said, on the way. "i got a car yesterday, and it doesn't seem so complicated. any intelligent person can learn to drive in a short time. i like it so much, and i knew i'd have such constant use for it that--now this is a secret--i ordered another for nancy ellen, so she can drive about town, and run out here as she chooses. will she be pleased?" "she'll be overjoyed! that was dear of you, robert. only one thing in world would please her more," said kate. "what's that?" asked robert. kate looked him in the eye, and smiled. "oh," he said. "but there is nothing in it!" "except talk, that worries and humiliates nancy ellen," said kate. "kate," he said suddenly, "if you were in my shoes, what would you do?" "the next time i got a phone call, or a note from mrs. southey, and she was having one of those terrible headaches, i should say: 'i'm dreadfully sorry, mrs. southey, but a breath of talk that might be unpleasant for you, and for my wife, has come to my ear, so i know you'll think it wiser to call dr. mills, who can serve you better than i. in a great rush this afternoon. good-bye!' that is what i should do, robert, and i should do it quickly, and emphatically. then i should interest nancy ellen in her car for a time, and then i should keep my eyes open, and the first time i found in my practice a sound baby with a clean bill of health, and no encumbrances, i should have it dressed attractively, and bestow it on nancy ellen as casually as i did the car. and in the meantime, love her plenty, robert. you can never know how she feels about this; and it's in no way her fault. she couldn't possibly have known; while you would have married her just the same if you had known. isn't that so?" "it's quite so. kate, i think your head is level, and i'll follow your advice to the letter. now you have 'healed my lame leg,' as the dog said in mcguffey's third, what can i do for this poor dog?" "nothing," said kate. "i've got to hold still, and take it. life will do the doing. i don't want to croak, but remember my word, it will do plenty." "we'll come often," he said as he turned to go back. kate slowly walked up the path, dreading to meet adam. he evidently had been watching for her, for he came around the corner of the house, took her arm, and they walked up the steps and into the living room together. she looked at him; he looked at her. at last he said: "i'm afraid that a good deal of this is my fault, mother." "how so?" asked kate, tersely. "i guess i betrayed your trust in me," said adam, heavily. "of course i did all my work and attended to things; but in the evening after work was over, the very first evening on the way home we stopped to talk to henry at the gate, and he got in and came on down. we could see milly at their gate, and i wanted her, i wanted her so much, mother; and it was going to be lonesome, so all of us went on there, and she came up here and we sat on the porch, and then i took her home and that left henry and polly together. the next night henry took us to town for a treat, and we were all together, and the next night milly asked us all there, and so it went. it was all as open and innocent as it could be; only henry and polly were in awful earnest and she was bound she wouldn't be sent to town to school--" "why didn't she tell me so? she never objected a word, to me," said kate. "well, mother, you are so big, and polly was so little, and she was used to minding--" "yes, this looks like it," said kate. "well, go on!" "that's all," said adam. "it was only that instead of staying at home and attending to our own affairs we were somewhere every night, or milly and henry were here. that is where i was to blame. i'm afraid you'll never forgive me, mother; but i didn't take good care of sister. i left her to henry peters, while i tried to see how nice i could be to milly. i didn't know what polly and henry were planning; honest, i didn't, mother. i would have told uncle robert and sent for you if i had. i thought when i went there it was to be our little crowd like it was at york's. i was furious when i found they were married. i told mr. and mrs. peters what they were, right before the company, and then i came straight home and all the family, and york's, and most of the others, came straight away. only a few stayed to the supper. i was so angry with polly i just pushed her away, and didn't even say good-night to her. the little silly fool! mother, if she had told you, you would have let her stay at home this winter and got her clothing, and let her be married here, when she was old enough, wouldn't you?" "certainly!" said kate. "all the world knows that. bates all marry; and they all marry young. don't blame yourself, adam. if polly had it in her system to do this, and she did, or she wouldn't have done it, the thing would have happened when i was here, and right under my nose. it was a scheme all planned and ready before i left. i know that now. let it go! there's nothing we can do, until things begin to go wrong, as they always do in this kind of wedding; then we shall get our call. in the meantime, you mustn't push your sister away. she may need you sooner than you'd think; and will you just please have enough confidence in my common sense and love for you, to come to me, first, when you feel that there's a girl who is indispensable to your future, adam?" "yes, i will," said adam. "and it won't be long, and the girl will be milly york." "all right," said kate, gravely, "whenever the time comes, let me know about it. now see if you can find me something to eat till i lay off my hat and wash. it was a long, hot ride, and i'm tired. since there's nothing i can do, i wish i had stayed where i was. no, i don't, either! i see joy coming over the hill for nancy ellen." "why is joy coming to nancy ellen?" asked the boy, pausing an instant before he started to the kitchen. "oh, because she's had such a very tough, uncomfortable time with life," said kate, "that in the very nature of things joy should come her way." the boy stood mystified until the expression on his face so amused kate that she began laughing, then he understood. "that's why it's coming," said kate; "and, here's how it's coming. she is going to get rid of a bothersome worry that's troubling her head--and she's going to have a very splendid gift, but it's a deep secret." "then you'll have to whisper it," said adam, going to her and holding a convenient ear. kate rested her hands on his shoulder a minute, as she leaned on him, her face buried in his crisp black hair. then she whispered the secret. "crickey, isn't that grand!" cried the boy, backing away to stare at her. "yes, it is so grand i'm going to try it ourselves," said kate. "we've a pretty snug balance in the bank, and i think it would be great fun evenings or when we want to go to town in a hurry and the horses are tired." adam was slowly moving toward the kitchen, his face more of a study than before. "mother," he said as he reached the door, "i be hanged if i know how to take you! i thought you'd just raise cain over what polly has done; but you act so sane and sensible; someway it doesn't seem so bad as it did, and i feel more sorry for polly than like going back on her. and are you truly in earnest about a car?" "i'm going to think very seriously about it this winter, and i feel almost sure it will come true by early spring," said kate. "but who said anything about 'going back on polly?'" "oh, mrs. york and all the neighbours said that you'd never forgive her, and that she'd never darken your door again, and things like that until i was almost crazy," answered adam. kate smiled grimly. "adam," she said, "i had seven years of that 'darken you door' business, myself. it's a mighty cold, hard proposition. it's a wonder the neighbours didn't remember that. maybe they did, and thought i was so much of a bates leopard that i couldn't change my spots. if they are watching me, they will find that i am not spotted; i'm sorry and humiliated over what polly has done; but i'm not going to gnash my teeth, and tear my hair, and wail in public, or in private. i'm trying to keep my real mean spot so deep it can't be seen. if ever i get my chance, adam, you watch me pay back mrs. peters. that is the size and location of my spot; but it's far deeper than my skin. now go on and find me food, man, food!" adam sat close while kate ate her supper, then he helped her unpack her trunk and hang away her dresses, and then they sat on the porch talking for a long time. when at last they arose to go to bed kate said: "adam, about polly: first time you see her, if she asks, tell her she left home of her own free will and accord, and in her own way, which, by the way, happens to be a holt way; but you needn't mention that. i think by this time she has learned or soon she will learn that; and whenever she wants to come back and face me, to come right ahead. i can stand it if she can. can you get that straight?" adam said he could. he got that straight and so much else that by the time he finished, polly realized that both he and her mother had left her in the house to try to shield her; that if she had told what she wanted in a straightforward manner she might have had a wedding outfit prepared and been married from her home at a proper time and in a proper way, and without putting her mother to shame before the community. polly was very much ashamed of herself by the time adam finished. she could not find it in her heart to blame henry; she knew he was no more to blame than she was; but she did store up a grievance against mr. and mrs. peters. they were older and had had experience with the world; they might have told polly what she should do instead of having done everything in their power to make her do what she had done, bribing, coaxing, urging, all in the direction of her inclinations. at heart polly was big enough to admit that she had followed her inclinations without thinking at all what the result would be. adam never would have done what she had. adam would have thought of his mother and his name and his honour. poor little polly had to admit that honour with her had always been a matter of, "now remember," "be careful," and like caution on the lips of her mother. the more polly thought, the worse she felt. the worse she felt, the more the whole peters family tried to comfort her. she was violently homesick in a few days; but adam had said she was to come when she "could face her mother," and polly suddenly found that she would rather undertake to run ten miles than to face her mother, so she began a process of hiding from her. if she sat on the porch, and saw her mother coming, she ran in the house. she would go to no public place where she might meet her. for a few weeks she lived a life of working for mrs. peters from dawn to dark, under the stimulus of what a sweet girl she was, how splendidly she did things, how fortunate henry was, interspersed with continual kissing, patting, and petting, all very new and unusual to polly. by that time she was so very ill, she could not lift her head from the pillow half the day, but it was to the credit of the badly disappointed peters family that they kept up the petting. when polly grew better, she had no desire to go anywhere; she worked to make up for the trouble she had been during her illness, to sew every spare moment, and to do her full share of the day's work in the house of an excessively nice woman, whose work never was done, and most hopeless thing of all, never would be. mrs. peters' head was full of things that she meant to do three years in the future. every night found polly so tired she staggered to bed early as possible; every morning found her confronting the same round, which from the nature of her condition every morning was more difficult for her. kate and adam followed their usual routine with only the alterations required by the absence of polly. kate now prepared breakfast while adam did the feeding and milking; washed the dishes and made the beds while he hitched up; then went to the field with him. on rainy days he swept and she dusted; always they talked over and planned everything they did, in the house or afield; always they schemed, contrived, economized, and worked to attain the shortest, easiest end to any result they strove for. they were growing in physical force, they were efficient, they attended their own affairs strictly. their work was always done on time, their place in order, their deposits at the bank frequent. as the cold days came they missed polly, but scarcely ever mentioned her. they had more books and read and studied together, while every few evenings adam picked up his hat and disappeared, but soon he and milly came in together. then they all read, popped corn, made taffy, knitted, often kate was called away by some sewing or upstairs work she wanted to do, so that the youngsters had plenty of time alone to revel in the wonder of life's greatest secret. to kate's ears came the word that polly would be a mother in the spring, that the peters family were delighted and anxious for the child to be a girl, as they found six males sufficient for one family. polly was looking well, feeling fine, was a famous little worker, and seldom sat on a chair because some member of the peters family usually held her. "i should think she would get sick of all that mushing," said adam when he repeated these things. "she's not like us," said kate. "she'll take all she can get, and call for more. she's a long time coming; but i'm glad she's well and happy." "buncombe!" said adam. "she isn't so very well. she's white as putty, and there are great big, dark hollows under her eyes, and she's always panting for breath like she had been running. nearly every time i pass there i see her out scrubbing the porches, or feeding the chickens, or washing windows, or something. you bet mrs. peters has got a fine hired girl now, and she's smiling all over about it." "she really has something to smile about," said kate. to polly's ears went the word that adam and her mother were having a fine time together, always together; and that they had milly york up three times a week to spend the evening; and that milly said that it passed her to see why polly ran away from mrs. holt. she was the grandest woman alive, and if she had any running to do in her neighbourhood, she would run to her, and not from her. whereupon polly closed her lips firmly and looked black, but not before she had said: "well, if mother had done just one night a week of that entertaining for henry and me, we wouldn't have run from her, either." polly said nothing until april, then kate answered the telephone one day and a few seconds later was ringing for adam as if she would pull down the bell. he came running and soon was on his way to peters' with the single buggy, with instructions to drive slowly and carefully and on no account to let polly slip getting out. the peters family had all gone to bury an aunt in the neighbourhood, leaving polly alone for the day; and polly at once called up her mother, and said she was dying to see her, and if she couldn't come home for the day, she would die soon, and be glad of it. kate knew the visit should not have been made at that time and in that way; but she knew that polly was under a dangerous nervous strain; she herself would not go to peters' in mrs. peters' absence; she did not know what else to do. as she waited for polly she thought of many things she would say; when she saw her, she took her in her arms and almost carried her into the house, and she said nothing at all, save how glad she was to see her, and she did nothing at all, except to try with all her might to comfort and please her, for to kate, polly did not seem like a strong, healthy girl approaching maternity. she appeared like a very sick woman, who sorely needed attention, while a few questions made her so sure of it that she at once called robert. he gave both of them all the comfort he could, but what he told nancy ellen was: "polly has had no attention whatever. she wants me, and i'll have to go; but it's a case i'd like to side-step. i'll do all i can, but the time is short." "oh, lord!" said nancy ellen. "is it one more for kate?" "yes," said robert, "i am very much afraid it's 'one more for kate.'" chapter xxv one more for kate polly and kate had a long day together, while adam was about the house much of the time. both of them said and did everything they could think of to cheer and comfort polly, whose spirits seemed most variable. one minute she would be laughing and planning for the summer gaily, the next she would be gloomy and depressed, and declaring she never would live through the birth of her baby. if she had appeared well, this would not have worried kate; but she looked even sicker than she seemed to feel. she was thin while her hands were hot and tremulous. as the afternoon went on and time to go came nearer, she grew more and more despondent, until kate proposed watching when the peters family came home, calling them up, and telling them that polly was there, would remain all night, and that henry should come down. polly flatly vetoed the proposition, but she seemed to feel much better after it had been made. she was like herself again for a short time, and then she turned to kate and said suddenly: "mother, if i don't get over this, will you take my baby?" kate looked at polly intently. what she saw stopped the ready answer that was on her lips. she stood thinking deeply. at last she said gently: "why, polly, would you want to trust a tiny baby with a woman you ran away from yourself?" "mother, i haven't asked you to forgive me for the light i put you in before the neighbours," said polly, "because i knew you couldn't honestly do it, and wouldn't lie to say you did. i don't know what made me do that. i was tired staying alone at the house so much, i was wild about henry, i was bound i wouldn't leave him and go away to school. i just thought it would settle everything easily and quickly. i never once thought of how it would make you look and feel. honestly i didn't, mother. you believe me, don't you?" "yes, i believe you," said kate. "it was an awful thing for me to do," said polly. "i was foolish and crazy, and i suppose i shouldn't say it, but i certainly did have a lot of encouragement from the peters family. they all seemed to think it would be a great joke, that it wouldn't make any difference, and all that, so i just did it. i knew i shouldn't have done it; but, mother, you'll never know the fight i've had all my life to keep from telling stories and sneaking. i hated your everlasting: 'now be careful,' but when i hated it most, i needed it worst; and i knew it, when i grew older. if only you had been here to say, 'now be careful,' just once, i never would have done it; but of course i couldn't have you to keep me straight all my life. all i can say is that i'd give my life and never whimper, if i could be back home as i was this time last year, and have a chance to do things your way. but that is past, and i can't change it. what i came for to-day, and what i want to know now is, if i go, will you take my baby?" "polly, you know the peters family wouldn't let me have it," said kate. "if it's a boy, they wouldn't want it," said polly. "neither would you, for that matter. if it's a girl, they'll fight for it; but it won't do them any good. all i want to know is, will you take it?" "of course i would, polly," said kate. "since i have your word, i'll feel better," said polly. "and mother, you needn't be afraid of it. it will be all right. i have thought about it so much i have it all figured out. it's going to be a girl, and it's going to be exactly like you, and its name is going to be katherine eleanor. i have thought about you every hour i was awake since i have been gone; so the baby will have to be exactly like you. there won't be the taint of grandmother in it that there is in me. you needn't be afraid. i quit sneaking forever when adam told me what i had done to you. i have gone straight as a dart, mother, every single minute since, mother; truly i have!" kate sat down suddenly, an awful sickness in her heart. "why, you poor child you!" she said. "oh, i've been all right," said polly. "i've been almost petted and loved to death; but mother, there never should be the amount of work attached to living that there is in that house. it's never ending, it's intolerable. mrs. peters just goes until she drops, and then instead of sleeping, she lies awake planning some hard, foolish, unnecessary thing to do next. maybe she can stand it herself, but i'm tired out. i'm going to sit down, and not budge to do another stroke until after the baby comes, and then i am going to coax henry to rent a piece of land, and move to ourselves." kate took heart. "that will be fine!" she cried. "that will be the very thing. i'll ask the boys to keep their eyes open for any chance for you." "you needn't take any bother about it," said polly, "because that isn't what is going to happen. all i want to be sure of now is that you and adam will take my baby. i'll see to the rest." "how will you see to it, polly?" asked kate, gently. "well, it's already seen to, for matter of that," said polly conclusively. "i've known for quite a while that i was sick; but i couldn't make them do anything but kiss me, and laugh at me, until i am so ill that i know better how i feel than anybody else. i got tired being laughed at, and put off about everything, so one day in hartley, while mother peters was shopping, i just went in to the lawyer grandmother always went to, and told him all about what i wanted. he has the papers made out all right and proper; so when i send for uncle robert, i am going to send for him, too, and soon as the baby comes i'll put in its name and sign it, and make henry, and then if i have to go, you won't have a bit of trouble." kate gazed at polly in dumb amazement. she was speechless for a time, then to break the strain she said: "my soul! did you really, polly? i guess there is more bates in you than i had thought!" "oh, there's some bates in me," said polly. "there's enough to make me live until i sign that paper, and make henry peters sign it, and send mr. thomlins to you with it and the baby. i can do that, because i'm going to!" ten days later she did exactly what she had said she would. then she turned her face to the wall and went into a convulsion out of which she never came. while the peters family refused kate's plea to lay polly beside her grandmother, and laid her in their family lot, kate, moaning dumbly, sat clasping a tiny red girl in her arms. adam drove to hartley to deposit one more paper, the most precious of all, in the safety deposit box. kate and adam mourned too deeply to talk about it. they went about their daily rounds silently, each busy with regrets and self investigations. they watched each other carefully, were kinder than they ever had been to everyone they came in contact with; the baby they frankly adored. kate had reared her own children with small misgivings, quite casually, in fact; but her heart was torn to the depths about this baby. life never would be even what it had been before polly left them, for into her going there entered an element of self-reproach and continual self-condemnation. adam felt that if he had been less occupied with milly york and had taken proper care of his sister, he would not have lost her. kate had less time for recrimination, because she had the baby. "look for a good man to help you this summer, adam," she said. "the baby is full of poison which can be eliminated only slowly. if i don't get it out before teething, i'll lose her, and then we never shall hear the last from the peters family." adam consigned the peters family to a location he thought suitable for them on the instant. he spoke with unusual bitterness, because he had heard that the peters family were telling that polly had grieved herself to death, while his mother had engineered a scheme whereby she had stolen the baby. occasionally a word drifted to kate here and there, until she realized much of what they were saying. at first she grieved too deeply to pay any attention, but as the summer went on and the baby flourished and grew fine and strong, and she had time in the garden, she began to feel better; grief began to wear away, as it always does. by midsummer the baby was in short clothes, sitting in a high chair, which if miss baby only had known it, was a throne before which knelt her two adoring subjects. polly had said the baby would be like kate. its hair and colouring were like hers, but it had the brown eyes of its father, and enough of his facial lines to tone down the too generous bates features. when the baby was five months old it was too pretty for adequate description. one baby has no business with perfect features, a mop of curly, yellow silk hair, and big brown eyes. one of the questions kate and adam discussed most frequently was where they would send her to college, while one they did not discuss was how sick her stomach teeth would make her. they merely lived in mortal dread of that. "convulsion," was a word that held a terror for kate above any other in the medical books. the baby had a good, formal name, but no one ever used it. adam, on first lifting the blanket, had fancied the child resembled its mother and had called her "little poll." the name clung to her. kate could not call such a tiny morsel either kate or katherine; she liked "little poll," better. the baby had three regular visitors. one was her father. he was not fond of kate; little poll suited him. he expressed his feeling by bringing gifts of toys, candy, and unsuitable clothes. kate kept these things in evidence when she saw him coming and swept them from sight when he went; for she had the good sense not to antagonize him. nancy ellen came almost every day, proudly driving her new car, and with the light of a new joy on her face. she never said anything to kate, but kate knew what had happened. nancy ellen came to see the baby. she brought it lovely and delicate little shoes, embroidered dresses and hoods, cloaks and blankets. one day as she sat holding it she said to kate: "isn't the baby a dreadful bother to you? you're not getting half your usual work done." "no, i'm doing unusual work," said kate, lightly. "adam is hiring a man who does my work very well in the fields; there isn't money that would hire me to let any one else take my job indoors, right now." a slow red crept into nancy ellen's cheeks. she had meant to be diplomatic, but diplomacy never worked well with kate. as nancy ellen often said, kate understood a sledge-hammer better. nancy ellen used the hammer. her face flushed, her arms closed tightly. "give me this baby," she demanded. kate looked at her in helpless amazement. "give it to me," repeated nancy ellen. "she's a gift to me," said kate, slowly. "one the peters family are searching heaven and earth to find an excuse to take from me. i hear they've been to a lawyer twice, already. i wouldn't give her up to save my soul alive, for myself; for you, if i would let you have her, they would not leave you in possession a day." "are they really trying to get her?" asked nancy ellen, slowly loosening her grip. "they are," said kate. "they sent a lawyer to get a copy of the papers, to see if they could pick a flaw in them." "can they?" cried nancy ellen. "god knows!" said kate, slowly. "i hope not. mr. thomlins is the best lawyer in hartley; he says not. he says henry put his neck in the noose when he signed the papers. the only chance i can see for him would be to plead undue influence. when you look at her, you can't blame him for wanting her. i've two hopes. one that his mother will not want the extra work; the other that the next girl he selects will not want the baby. if i can keep them going a few months more with a teething scare, i hope they will get over wanting her." "if they do, then may we have her?" asked nancy ellen. kate threw out her hands. "take my eyes, or my hands, or my feet," she said; "but leave me my heart." nancy ellen went soon after, and did not come again for several days. then she began coming as usual, so that the baby soon knew her and laughed in high glee when she appeared. dr. gray often stopped in passing to see her; if he was in great haste, he hallooed at the gate to ask if she was all right. kate was thankful for this, more than thankful for the telephone and car that would bring him in fifteen minutes day or night, if he were needed. but he was not needed. little poll throve and grew fat and rosy; for she ate measured food, slept by the clock, in a sanitary bed, and was a bathed, splendidly cared for baby. when kate's family and friends laughed, she paid not the slightest heed. "laugh away," she said. "i've got something to fight with this baby; i don't propose for the battle to come and find the chances against me, because i'm unprepared." with scrupulous care kate watched over the child, always putting her first, the house and land afterward. one day she looked up the road and saw henry peters coming. she had been expecting nancy ellen. she had finished bathing the baby and making her especially attractive in a dainty lace ruffled dress with blue ribbons and blue shoes that her sister had brought on her latest trip. little poll was a wonderful picture, for her eyes were always growing bigger, her cheeks pinker, her skin fairer, her hair longer and more softly curling. at first thought kate had been inclined to snatch off the dress and change to one of the cheap, ready-made ginghams henry brought, but the baby was so lovely as she was, she had not the heart to spoil the picture, while nancy ellen might come any minute. so she began putting things in place while little poll sat crowing and trying to pick up a sunbeam that fell across her tray. her father came to the door and stood looking at her. suddenly he dropped in a chair, covered his face with his hands and began to cry, in deep, shuddering sobs. kate stood still in wonderment. as last she seated herself before him and said gently: "won't you tell me about it, henry?" henry struggled for self-control. he looked at the baby longingly. finally he said: "it's pretty tough to give up a baby like that, mrs. holt. she's my little girl. i wish god had struck my right hand with palsy, when i went to sign those papers." "oh, no, you don't, henry," said kate, suavely. "you wouldn't like to live the rest of your life a cripple. and is it any worse for me to have your girl in spite of the real desires and dictates of your heart, than it was for you to have mine? and you didn't take the intelligent care of my girl that i'm taking of yours, either. a doctor and a little right treatment at the proper time would have saved polly to rear her own baby; but there's no use to go into that. i was waiting for polly to come home of her own accord, as she left it; and while i waited, a poison crept into her system that took her. i never shall feel right about it; neither shall you--" "no, i should say i won't!" said henry emphatically. "i never thought of anything being the matter with polly that wouldn't be all over when the baby came--" "i know you didn't, henry," said kate. "i know how much you would have done, and how gladly, if you had known. there is no use going into that, we are both very much to blame; we must take our punishment. now what is this i hear about your having been to see lawyers and trying to find a way to set aside the adoption papers you signed? let's have a talk, and see what we can arrive at. tell me all about it." so henry told kate how he had loved polly, how he felt guilty of her death, how he longed for and wanted her baby, how he had signed the paper which polly put before him so unexpectedly, to humour her, because she was very ill; but he had not dreamed that she could die; how he did not feel that he should be bound by that signature now. kate listened with the deepest sympathy, assenting to most he said until he was silent. then she sat thinking a long time. at last she said: "henry, if you and polly had waited until i came home, and told me what you wanted and how you felt, i should have gotten her ready, and given you a customary wedding, and helped you to start a life that i think would have saved her to you, and to me. that is past, but the fact remains. you are hurt over giving up the baby as you have; i'm hurt over losing my daughter as i did; we are about even on the past, don't you think?" "i suppose we are," he said, heavily. "that being agreed," said kate, "let us look to the future. you want the baby now, i can guess how much, by how much i want her, myself. i know your point of view; there are two others, one is mine, and the other is the baby's. i feel that it is only right and just that i should have this little girl to replace the one you took from me, in a way far from complimentary to me. i feel that she is mine, because polly told me the day she came to see me how sick she had been, how she had begged for a doctor, and been kissed and told there was nothing the matter with her, when she knew she was very ill. she gave the baby to me, and at that time she had been to see a lawyer, and had her papers all made out except the signatures and dates. mr. thomlins can tell you that; and you know that up to that time i had not seen polly, or had any communication with her. she simply was unnerved at the thought of trusting her baby to the care she had had." kate was hitting hard and straight from the shoulder. the baby, busy with her sunbeam, jabbered unnoticed. "when polly died as she did," continued kate, "i knew that her baby would be full of the same poison that killed her; and that it must be eliminated before it came time to cut her worst teeth, so i undertook the work, and sleeping or waking, i have been at it ever since. now, henry, is there any one at your house who would have figured this out, and taken the time, pains, and done work that i have? is there?" "mother raised six of us." he said defensively. "but she didn't die of diathesis giving birth to the first of you," said kate. "you were all big, strong boys with a perfectly sound birthright. and your mother is now a much older, wearier woman than she was then, and her hands are far too full every day, as it is. if she knew how to handle the baby as i have, and was willing to add the work to her daily round, would you be willing to have her? i have three times her strength, while i consider that i've the first right. then there is the baby's side of the question. i have had her through the worst, hardest part of babyhood; she is accustomed to a fixed routine that you surely will concede agrees with her; she would miss me, and she would not thrive as she does with me, for her food and her hours would not be regular, while you, and your father, and the boys would tire her to death handling her. that is the start. the finish would be that she would grow up, if she survived, to take the place polly took at your house, while you would marry some other girl, as you will before a year from now. i'm dreadfully sorry to say these things to you, henry, but you know they are the truth. if you're going to try to take the baby, i'm going to fight you to the last dollar i can raise, and the last foot of land i own. that's all. look at the baby; think it over; and let me know what you'll do as soon as you can. i'm not asking mercy at your hands, but i do feel that i have suffered about my share." "you needn't suffer any longer," said henry, drying his eyes. "all you say is true; just as what i said was true; but i might as well tell you, and let one of us be happy. i saw my third lawyer yesterday, and he said the papers were unbreakable unless i could prove that the child was neglected, and not growing right, or not having proper care. look at her! i might do some things! i did do a thing as mean as to persuade a girl to marry me without her mother's knowledge, and ruined her life thereby, but god knows i couldn't go on the witness stand and swear that that baby is not properly cared for! mother's job is big enough; and while it doesn't seem possible now, very likely i shall marry again, as other men do; and in that event, little poll would be happier with you. i give her up. i think i came this morning to say that i was defeated; and to tell you that i'd give up if i saw that you would fight. keep the baby, and be as happy as you can. you shan't be worried any more about her. polly shall have this thing as she desired and planned it. good-bye." when he had gone kate knelt on the floor, laid her head on the chair tray, and putting her arms around the baby she laughed and cried at the same time, while miss baby pulled her hair, patted her face, and plastered it with wet, uncertain kisses. then kate tied a little bonnet on the baby's head and taking her in her arms, she went to the field to tell adam. it seemed to kate that she could see responsibility slipping from his shoulders, could see him grow taller as he listened. the breath of relief he drew was long and deep. "fine!" he cried. "fine! i haven't told you half i knew. i've been worried until i couldn't sleep." kate went back to the house so glad she did not realize she was touching earth at all. she fed the baby and laid her down for her morning nap, and then went out in the garden; but she was too restless to work. she walked bareheaded in the sun and was glad as she never before in her life had known how to be glad. the first thing kate knew she was standing at the gate looking up at the noonday sky and from the depths of her heart she was crying aloud: "praise ye the lord, oh my soul. let all that is within me praise his holy name!" for the remainder of the day kate was unblushingly insane. she started to do a hundred things and abandoned all of them to go out and look up at the sky and to cry repeatedly: "praise the lord!" if she had been asked to explain why she did this, kate could have answered, and would have answered: "because i feel like it!" she had been taught no religion as a child, she had practised no formal mode of worship as a woman. she had been straight, honest, and virtuous. she had faced life and done with small question the work that she thought fell to her hand. she had accepted joy, sorrow, shame, all in the same stoic way. always she had felt that there was a mighty force in the universe that could as well be called god as any other name; it mattered not about the name; it was a real force, and it was there. that day kate exulted. she carried the baby down to the brook in the afternoon and almost shouted; she sang until she could have been heard a mile. she kept straight on praising the lord, because expression was imperative, and that was the form of expression that seemed to come naturally to her. without giving a thought as to how, or why, she followed her impulses and praised the lord. the happier she grew, the more clearly she saw how uneasy and frightened she had been. when nancy ellen came, she took only one glance at kate's glorified face and asked: "what in this world has happened to you?" kate answered in all seriousness: "my lord has 'shut the lions' mouths,' and they are not going to harm me." nancy ellen regarded her closely. "i hope you aren't running a temperature," she said. "i'll take a shot at random. you have found out that the peters family can't take little poll." kate laughed joyously. "better than that, sister mine!" she cried. "i have convinced henry that he doesn't want her himself as much as he wants me to have her, and he can speedily convert his family. he will do nothing more! he will leave me in peace with her." "thank god!" said nancy ellen. "there you go, too!" cried kate. "that's the very first thought that came to me, only i said, 'praise the lord,' which is exactly the same thing; and nancy ellen, since robert has been trying to praise the lord for twenty years, and both of us do praise him when our time comes, wouldn't it be a good idea to open up our heads and say so, not only to ourselves and to the lord, but to the neighbours? i'm afraid she won't understand much of it, but i think i shall find the place and read to little poll about abraham and isaac to-night, and probably about hagar and ishmael to-morrow night, and it wouldn't surprise me a mite to hear myself saying 'praise the lord,' right out loud, any time, any place. let's gather a great big bouquet of our loveliest flowers, and go tell mother and polly about it." without a word nancy ellen turned toward the garden. they gathered the flowers and getting in nancy ellen's car drove the short distance to the church where nancy ellen played with the baby in the shade of a big tree while kate arranged her flowers. then she sat down and they talked over their lives from childhood. "nancy ellen, won't you stay to supper with us?" asked kate. "yes," said nancy ellen, rising, "i haven't had such a good time in years. i'm as glad for you as i'd be if i had such a child assured me, myself." "you can't bring yourself--?" began kate. "yes, i think so," said nancy ellen. "getting things for little poll has broken me up so, i told robert how i felt, and he's watching in his practice, and he's written several letters of inquiry to friends in chicago. any day now i may have my work cut out for me." "praise the lord again!" cried kate. "i see where you will be happier than you ever have been. real life is just beginning for you." then they went home and prepared a good supper and had such a fine time they were exalted in heart and spirit. when nancy ellen started home, kate took the baby and climbed in the car with her, explaining that they would go a short way and walk back. she went only as far as the peters gate; then she bravely walked up to the porch, where mr. peters and some of the boys sat, and said casually: "i just thought i'd bring little poll up to get acquainted with her folks. isn't she a dear?" an hour later, as she walked back in the moonlight, henry beside her carrying the baby, he said to her: "this is a mighty big thing, and a kind thing for you to do, mrs. holt. mother has been saying scandalous things about you." "i know," said kate. "but never mind! she won't any more." the remainder of the week she passed in the same uplifted mental state. she carried the baby in her arms and walked all over the farm, going often to the cemetery with fresh flowers. sunday morning, when the work was all done, the baby dressed her prettiest, kate slipped into one of her fresh white dresses and gathering a big bunch of flowers started again to whisper above the graves of her mother and polly the story of her gladness, and to freshen the flowers, so that the people coming from church would see that her family were remembered. when she had finished she arose, took up the baby, and started to return across the cemetery, going behind the church, taking the path she had travelled the day she followed the minister's admonition to "take the wings of morning." she thought of that. she stood very still, thinking deeply. "i took them," she said. "i've tried flight after flight; and i've fallen, and risen, and fallen, and got up and tried again, but never until now have i felt that i could really 'fly to the uttermost parts of the earth.' there is a rising power in me that should benefit more than myself. i guess i'll just join in." she walked into the church as the last word of the song the congregation were singing was finished, and the minister was opening his lips to say: "let us pray." straight down the aisle came kate, her bare, gold head crowned with a flash of light at each window she passed. she paused at the altar, directly facing the minister. "baby and i would like the privilege of praising the lord with you," she said simply, "and we would like to do our share in keeping up this church and congregation to his honour and glory. there's some water. can't you baptize us now?" the minister turned to the pitcher, which always stood on his desk, filled his palm, and asked: "what is the baby's name?" "katherine eleanor peters," said kate. "katherine eleanor, i baptize thee," said the minister, and he laid his hand on the soft curls of the baby. she scattered the flowers she was holding over the altar as she reached to spat her hands in the water on her head and laughed aloud. "what is your name?" asked the minister. "katherine eleanor holt," said kate. again the minister repeated the formula, and then he raised both hands and said: "let us pray." chapter xxvi the winged victory kate turned and placing the baby on the front seat, she knelt and put her arms around the little thing, but her lips only repeated the words: "praise the lord for this precious baby!" her heart was filled with high resolve. she would rear the baby with such care. she would be more careful with adam. she would make heroic effort to help him to clean, unashamed manhood. she would be a better sister to all her family. she would be friendlier, and have more patience with the neighbours. she would join in whatever effort the church was making to hold and increase its membership among the young people, and to raise funds to keep up the organization. all the time her mind was busy thinking out these fine resolves, her lips were thanking the lord for little poll. kate arose with the benediction, picked up the baby, and started down the aisle among the people she had known all her life. on every side strong hands stretched out to greet and welcome her. a daughter of adam bates was something new as a church member. they all knew how she could work, and what she could give if she chose; while that she had stood at the altar and been baptized, meant that something not customary with the bates family was taking place in her heart. so they welcomed her, and praised the beauty and sweetness of the baby until kate went out into the sunshine, her face glowing. slowly she walked home and as she reached the veranda, adam took the baby. "been to the cemetery?" he asked. kate nodded and dropped into a chair. "that's too far to walk and carry this great big woman," he said, snuggling his face in the baby's neck, while she patted his cheeks and pulled his hair. "why didn't you tell me you wanted to go, and let me get out the car?" kate looked at him speculatively. "adam," she said, "when i started out, i meant only to take some flowers to mother and polly. as i came around the corner of the church to take the footpath, they were singing 'rejoice in the lord!' i went inside and joined. i'm going to church as often as i can after this, and i'm going to help with the work of running it." "well, i like that!" cried adam, indignantly. "why didn't you let me go with you?" kate sat staring down the road. she was shocked speechless. again she had followed an impulse, without thinking of any one besides herself. usually she could talk, but in that instant she had nothing to say. then a carriage drew into the line of her vision, stopped at york's gate, and mr. york alighted and swung to the ground a slim girlish figure and then helped his wife. kate had a sudden inspiration. "but you would want to wait a little and join with milly, wouldn't you?" she asked. "uncle robert always has been a church member. i think it's a fine stand for a man to take." "maybe that would be better," he said. "i didn't think of milly. i only thought i'd like to have been with you and little poll." "i'm sure milly will be joining very soon, and that she'll want you with her," said kate. she was a very substantial woman, but for the remainder of that day she felt that she was moving with winged feet. she sang, she laughed, she was unspeakably happy. she kept saying over and over: "and a little child shall lead them." then she would catch little poll, almost crushing her in her strong arms. it never occurred to kate that she had done an unprecedented thing. she had done as her heart dictated. she did not know that she put the minister into a most uncomfortable position, when he followed her request to baptize her and the child. she had never thought of probations, and examinations, and catechisms. she had read the bible, as was the custom, every morning before her school. in that book, when a man wanted to follow jesus, he followed; jesus accepted him; and that was all there was to it, with kate. the middle of the week nancy ellen came flying up the walk on winged feet, herself. she carried photographs of several small children, one of them a girl so like little poll that she might have been the original of the picture. "they just came," said nancy ellen rather breathlessly. "i was wild for that little darling at once. i had robert telegraph them to hold her until we could get there. we're going to start on the evening train and if her blood seems good, and her ancestors respectable, and she looks like that picture, we're going to bring her back with us. oh, kate, i can scarcely wait to get my fingers on her. i'm hungry for a baby all of my own." kate studied the picture. "she's charming!" she said. "oh, nancy ellen, this world is getting entirely too good to be true." nancy ellen looked at kate and smiled peculiarly. "i knew you were crazy," she said, "but i never dreamed of you going such lengths. mrs. whistler told robert, when she called him in about her side, tuesday. i can't imagine a bates joining church." "if that is joining church, it's the easiest thing in the world," said kate. "we just loved doing it, didn't we, little poll? adam and milly are going to come in soon, i'm almost sure. at least he is willing. i don't know what it is that i am to do, but i suppose they will give me my work soon." "you bet they'll give you work soon, and enough," said nancy ellen, laughing. "but you won't mind. you'll just put it through, as you do things out here. kate, you are making this place look fine. i used to say i'd rather die than come back here to live, but lately it has been growing so attractive, i've been here about half my time, and wished i were the other half." kate slipped her arm around nancy ellen as they walked to the gate. "you know," said nancy ellen, "the more i study you, the less i know about you. usually it's sickness, and sorrow, and losing their friends that bring people to the consolations of the church. you bore those things like a stoic. when they are all over, and you are comfortable and happy, just the joy of being sure of little poll has transformed you. kate, you make me think of the 'winged victory,' this afternoon. if i get this darling little girl, will she make me big, and splendid, and fine, like you?" kate suddenly drew nancy ellen to her and kissed her a long, hard kiss on the lips. "nancy ellen," she said, "you are 'big, and splendid, and fine,' or you never would be going to chicago after this little motherless child. you haven't said a word, but i know from the joy of you and robert during the past months that mrs. southey isn't troubling you any more; and i'm sure enough to put it into words that when you get your little child, she will lead you straight where mine as led me. good-bye and good luck to you, and remember me to robert." nancy ellen stood intently studying the picture she held in her hand. then she looked at kate, smiling with misty eyes: "i think, kate, i'm very close, if i am not really where you are this minute," she said. then she started her car; but she looked back, waving and smiling until the car swerved so that kate called after her: "do drive carefully, nancy ellen!" kate went slowly up the walk. she stopped several times to examine the shrubs and bushes closely, to wish for rain for the flowers. she sat on the porch a few minutes talking to little poll, then she went inside to answer the phone. "kate?" cried a sharp voice. "yes," said kate, recognizing a neighbour, living a few miles down the road. "did nancy ellen just leave your house?" came a breathless query. "yes," said kate again. "i just saw a car that looked like hers slip in the fresh sand at the river levee, and it went down, and two or three times over." "o god!" said kate. then after an instant: "ring the dinner bell for your men to get her out. i'll phone robert, and come as soon as i can get there." kate called dr. gray's office. she said to the girl: "tell the doctor that mrs. howe thinks she saw nancy ellen's car go down the river levee, and two or three times over. have him bring what he might need to howe's, and hurry. rush him!" then she ran to her bell and rang so frantically that adam came running. kate was at the little garage they had built, and had the door open. she told him what she had heard, ran to get the baby, and met him at the gate. on the way she said, "you take the baby when we get there, and if i'm needed, take her back and get milly and her mother to come stay with you. you know where her things are, and how to feed her. don't you dare let them change any way i do. baby knows milly; she will be good for her and for you. you'll be careful?" "of course, mother," said adam. he called her attention to the road. "look at those tracks," he said. "was she sick? she might have been drunk, from them." "no," said kate, "she wasn't sick. she was drunk, drunken with joy. she had a picture of the most beautiful little baby girl. they were to start to chicago after her to-night. i suspect she was driving with the picture in one hand. oh, my god, have mercy!" they had come to deep grooves in loose gravel, then the cut in the embankment, then they could see the wrecked car standing on the engine and lying against a big tree, near the water, while two men and a woman were carrying a limp form across the meadow toward the house. as their car stopped, kate kissed the baby mechanically, handed her to adam, and ran into the house where she dragged a couch to the middle of the first room she entered, found a pillow, and brought a bucket of water and a towel from the kitchen. they carried nancy ellen in and laid her down. kate began unfastening clothing and trying to get the broken body in shape for the doctor to work upon; but she spread the towel over what had been a face of unusual beauty. robert came in a few minutes, then all of them worked under his directions until he suddenly sank to the floor, burying his face in nancy ellen's breast; then they knew. kate gathered her sister's feet in her arms and hid her face beside them. the neighbours silently began taking away things that had been used, while mrs. howe chose her whitest sheet, and laid it on a chair near robert. two days later they laid nancy ellen beside her mother. then they began trying to face the problem of life without her. robert said nothing. he seemed too stunned to think. kate wanted to tell him of her final visit with nancy ellen, but she could not at that time. robert's aged mother came to him, and said she could remain as long as he wanted her, so that was a comfort to kate, who took time to pity him, even in her blackest hour. she had some very black ones. she could have wailed, and lamented, and relinquished all she had gained, but she did not. she merely went on with life, as she always had lived it, to the best of her ability when she was so numbed with grief she scarcely knew what she was doing. she kept herself driven about the house, and when she could find no more to do, took little poll in her arms and went out in the fields to adam, where she found the baby a safe place, and then cut and husked corn as usual. every sabbath, and often during the week, her feet carried her to the cemetery, where she sat in the deep grass and looked at those three long mounds and tried to understand life; deeper still, to fathom death. she and her mother had agreed that there was "something." now kate tried as never before to understand what, and where, and why, that "something" was. many days she would sit for an hour at a time, thinking, and at last she arrived at fixed convictions that settled matters forever with her. one day after she had arranged the fall roses she had grown, and some roadside asters she had gathered in passing, she sat in deep thought, when a car stopped on the road. kate looked up to see robert coming across the churchyard with his arms full of greenhouse roses. he carried a big bunch of deep red for her mother, white for polly, and a large sheaf of warm pink for nancy ellen. kate knelt up and taking her flowers, she moved them lower, and silently helped robert place those he had brought. then she sat where she had been, and looked at him. finally he asked: "still hunting the 'why,' kate?" "'why' doesn't so much matter," said kate, "as 'where.' i'm enough of a fatalist to believe that mother is here because she was old and worn out. polly had a clear case of uric poison, while i'd stake my life nancy ellen was gloating over the picture she carried when she ran into that loose sand. in each of their cases i am satisfied as to 'why,' as well as about father. the thing that holds me, and fascinates me, and that i have such a time being sure of, is 'where.'" robert glanced upward and asked: "isn't there room enough up there, kate?" "too much!" said kate. "and what is the soul, and how can it bridge the vortex lying between us and other worlds, that man never can, because of the lack of air to breathe, and support him?" "i don't know," said robert; "and in spite of the fact that i do know what a man cannot do, i still believe in the immortality of the soul." "oh, yes," said kate. "if there is any such thing in science as a self-evident fact, that is one. that is provable." robert looked at her eager face. "how would you go about proving it, kate?" he asked. "why, this way," said kate, leaning to straighten and arrange the delicate velvet petalled roses with her sure, work-abused fingers. "take the history of the world from as near dawn as we have any record, and trace it from the igloo of the northernmost esquimo, around the globe, and down to the ice of the southern pole again, and in blackest africa, farthest, wildest borneo, you will never discover one single tribe of creatures, upright and belonging to the race of man, who did not come into the world with four primal instincts. they all reproduce themselves, they all make something intended for music, they all express a feeling in their hearts by the exercise we call dance, they all believe in the after life of the soul. this belief is as much a part of any man, ever born in any location, as his hands and his feet. whether he believes his soul enters a cat and works back to man again after long transmigration, or goes to a happy hunting ground as our indians, makes no difference with the fact that he enters this world with belief in after life of some kind. we see material evidence in increase that man is not defeated in his desire to reproduce himself; we have advanced to something better than tom-toms and pow-wows for music and dance; these desires are fulfilled before us, now tell me why the very strongest of all, the most deeply rooted, the belief in after life, should come to nothing. why should the others be real, and that a dream?" "i don't think it is," said robert. "it's my biggest self-evident fact," said kate, conclusively. "i never heard any one else say these things, but i think them, and they are provable. i always believed there was something; but since i saw mother go, i know there is. she stood in full evening light, i looked straight in her face, and robert, you know i'm no creature of fancies and delusions, i tell you i saw her soul pass. i saw the life go from her and go on, and on. i saw her body stand erect, long enough for me to reach her, and pick her up, after its passing. that i know." "i shouldn't think of questioning it, kate," said robert. "but don't you think you are rather limiting man, when you narrow him to four primal instincts?" "oh, i don't know," said kate. "air to breathe and food to sustain are presupposed. man learns to fight in self-defense, and to acquire what he covets. he learns to covet by seeing stronger men, in better locations, surpass his achievements, so if he is strong enough he goes and robs them by force. he learns the desire for the chase in food hunting; i think four are plenty to start with." "probably you are right," said the doctor, rising. "i must go now. shall i take you home?" kate glanced at the sun and shook her head. "i can stay half an hour longer. i don't mind the walk. i need exercise to keep me in condition. good-bye!" as he started his car he glanced back. she was leaning over the flowers absorbed in their beauty. kate sat looking straight before her until time to help with the evening work, and prepare supper, then she arose. she stood looking down a long time; finally she picked up a fine specimen of each of the roses and slowly dropped them on her father's grave. "there! you may have that many," she said. "you look a little too lonely, lying here beside the others with not a single one, but if you could speak, i wonder whether you would say, 'thank you!' or 'take the damn weeds off me!'" chapter xxvii blue ribbon corn never in her life had kate worked harder than she did that fall; but she retained her splendid health. everything was sheltered and housed, their implements under cover, their stock in good condition, their store-room filled, and their fruits and vegetables buried in hills and long rows in the garden. adam had a first wheat premium at the county fair and a second on corn, concerning which he felt abused. he thought his corn scored the highest number of points, but that the award was given another man because of adam's having had first on wheat. in her heart kate agreed with him; but she tried to satisfy him with the blue ribbon on wheat and keep him interested sufficiently to try for the first on corn the coming year. she began making suggestions for the possible improvement of his corn. adam was not easily propitiated. "mother," he said, "you know as well as you know you're alive, that if i had failed on wheat, or had second, i would have been given first on my corn; my corn was the best in every way, but they thought i would swell up and burst if i had two blue ribbons. that was what ailed the judges. what encouragement is that to try again? i might grow even finer corn in the coming year than i did this, and be given no award at all, because i had two this year. it would amount to exactly the same thing." "we'll get some more books, and see if we can study up any new wrinkles, this winter," said kate. "now cheer up, and go tell milly about it. maybe she can console you, if i can't." "nothing but justice will console me," said adam. "i'm not complaining about losing the prize; i'm fighting mad because my corn, my beautiful corn, that grew and grew, and held its head so high, and waved its banners of triumph to me with every breeze, didn't get its fair show. what encouragement is there for it to try better the coming year? the crows might as well have had it, or the cutworms; while all my work is for nothing." "you're making a big mistake," said kate. "if your corn was the finest, it was, and the judges knew it, and you know it, and very likely the man who has the first prize, knows it. you have a clean conscience, and you know what you know. they surely can't feel right about it, or enjoy what they know. you have had the experience, you have the corn for seed; with these things to back you, clear a small strip of new land beside the woods this winter, and try what that will do for you." adam looked at her with wide eyes. "by jing, mother, you are a dandy!" he said. "you just bet i'll try that next year, but don't you tell a soul; there are more than you who will let a strip be cleared, in an effort to grow blue ribbon corn. how did you come to think of it?" "your saying all your work had been for nothing, made me think of it," she answered. "let them give another man the prize, when they know your corn is the best. it's their way of keeping a larger number of people interested and avoiding the appearance of partiality; this contest was too close; next year, you grow such corn, that the corn will force the decision in spite of the judges. do you see?" "i see," said adam. "i'll try again." after that life went on as usual. the annual christmas party was the loveliest of all, because kate gave it loving thought, and because all of their hearts were especially touched. as spring came on again, kate and adam studied over their work, planning many changes for the better, but each time they talked, when everything else was arranged, they came back to corn. more than once, each of them dreamed corn that winter while asleep, they frankly talked of it many times a day. location, soil, fertilizers, seed, cultivation--they even studied the almanacs for a general forecast of the weather. these things brought them very close together. also it was admitted between them, that little poll "grappled them with hooks of steel." they never lacked subjects for conversation. poll always came first, corn next, and during the winter there began to be discussion of plans for adam and milly. should milly come with them, or should they build a small house on the end of the farm nearest her mother? adam did not care, so he married milly speedily. kate could not make up her mind. milly had the inclination of a bird for a personal and private nest of her own. so spring came to them. august brought the anniversary of nancy ellen's death, which again saddened all of them. then came cooler september weather, and the usual rush of preparation for winter. kate was everywhere and enjoying her work immensely. on sturdy, tumbly legs little poll trotted after her or rode in state on her shoulder, when distances were too far. if kate took her to the fields, as she did every day, she carried along the half of an old pink and white quilt, which she spread in a shaded place and filled the baby's lap with acorns, wild flowers, small brightly coloured stones, shells, and whatever she could pick up for playthings. poll amused herself with these until the heat and air made her sleepy, then she laid herself down and slept for an hour or two. once she had trouble with stomach teeth that brought dr. gray racing, and left kate white and limp with fear. everything else had gone finely and among helping adam, working in her home, caring for the baby, doing whatever she could see that she thought would be of benefit to the community, and what was assigned her by church committees, kate had a busy life. she had earned, in a degree, the leadership she exercised in her first days in walden. everyone liked her; but no one ever ventured to ask her for an opinion unless they truly wanted it. adam came from a run to hartley for groceries one evening in late september, with a look of concern that kate noticed on his face. he was very silent during supper and when they were on the porch as usual, he still sat as if thinking deeply. kate knew that he would tell her what he was thinking about when he was ready but she was not in the least prepared for what he said. "mother, how do you feel about uncle robert marrying again?" he asked suddenly. kate was too surprised to answer. she looked at him in amazement. instead of answering, she asked him a question: "what makes you ask that?" "you know how that mrs. southey pursued him one summer. well, she's back in hartley, staying at the hotel right across from his office; she's dressed to beat the band, she's pretty as a picture; her car stands out in front all day, and to get to ride in it, and take meals with her, all the women are running after her. i hear she has even had robert's old mother out for a drive. what do you think of that?" "think she's in love with him, of course, and trying to marry him, and that she will very probably succeed. if she has located where she is right under his eye, and lets him know that she wants him very much, he'll, no doubt, marry her." "but what do you think about it?" asked adam. "i've had no time to think," said kate. "at first blush, i'd say that i shall hate it, as badly as i could possibly hate anything that was none of my immediate business. nancy ellen loved him so. i never shall forget that day she first told me about him, and how loving him brought out her beauty, and made her shine and glow as if from an inner light. i was always with her most, and i loved her more than all the other girls put together. i know that southey woman tried to take him from her one summer not long ago, and that he gave her to understand that she could not, so she went away. if she's back, it means only one thing, and i think probably she'll succeed; but you can be sure it will make me squirm properly." "i thought you wouldn't like it," he said emphatically. "now understand me, adam," said kate. "i'm no fool. i didn't expect robert to be more than human. he has no children, and he'd like a child above anything else on earth. i've known that for years, ever since it became apparent that none was coming to nancy ellen. i hadn't given the matter a thought, but if i had been thinking, i would have thought that as soon as was proper, he would select a strong, healthy young woman, and make her his wife. i know his mother is homesick, and wants to go back to her daughters and their children, which is natural. i haven't an objection in the world to him marrying a proper woman, at a proper time and place; but oh, dear lord, i do dread and despise to see that little southey cat come back and catch him, because she knows how." "did you ever see her, mother?" "no, i never," said kate, "and i hope i never shall. i know what nancy ellen felt, because she told me all about it that time we were up north. i'm trying with all my might to have a christian spirit. i swallowed mrs. peters, and never blinked, that anybody saw; but i don't, i truly don't know from where i could muster grace to treat a woman decently, who tried to do to my sister, what i know mrs. southey tried to do to nancy ellen. she planned to break up my sister's home; that i know. now that nancy ellen is gone, i feel to-night as if i just couldn't endure to see mrs. southey marry robert." "bet she does it!" said adam. "did you see her?" asked kate. "see her!" cried adam. "i saw her half a dozen times in an hour. she's in the heart of the town, nothing to do but dress and motor. never saw such a peach of a car. i couldn't help looking at it. gee, i wish i could get you one like that!" "what did you think of her looks?" asked kate. "might pretty!" said adam, promptly. "small, but not tiny; plump, but not fat; pink, light curls, big baby blue eyes and a sort of hesitating way about her, as if she were anxious to do the right thing, but feared she might not, and wished somebody would take care of her." kate threw out her hands with a rough exclamation. "i get the picture!" she said. "it's a dead centre shot. that gets a man, every time. no man cares a picayune about a woman who can take care of herself, and help him with his job if he has a ghost of a chance at a little pink and white clinger, who will suck the life and talent out of him, like the parasite she is, while she makes him believe he is on the job, taking care of her. you can rest assured it will be settled before christmas." kate had been right in her theories concerning the growing of blue ribbon corn. at the county fair in late september adam exhibited such heavy ears of evenly grained white and yellow corn that the blue ribbon he carried home was not an award of the judges; it was a concession to the just demands of the exhibit. then they began husking their annual crop. it had been one of the country's best years for corn. the long, even, golden ears they were stripping the husks from and stacking in heaps over the field might profitably have been used for seed by any farmer. they had divided the field in halves and adam was husking one side, kate the other. she had a big shock open and kneeling beside it she was busy stripping open the husks, and heaping up the yellow ears. behind her the shocks stood like rows of stationed sentinels; above, the crisp october sunshine warmed the air to a delightful degree; around the field, the fence rows were filled with purple and rose coloured asters, and everywhere goldenrod, yellower than the corn, was hanging in heavy heads of pollen-spraying bloom. on her old pink quilt little poll, sound asleep, was lifted from the shade of one shock to another, while kate worked across her share of the field. as she worked she kept looking at the child. she frankly adored her, but she kept her reason and held to rigid rules in feeding, bathing, and dressing. poll minded even a gesture or a nod. above, the flocking larks pierced the air with silver notes, on the fence-rows the gathering robins called to each other; high in the air the old black vulture that homed in a hollow log in kate's woods, looked down on the spots of colour made by the pink quilt, the gold corn, the blue of kate's dress, and her yellow head. an artist would have paused long, over the rich colour, the grouping and perspective of that picture, while the hazy fall atmosphere softened and blended the whole. kate, herself, never had appeared or felt better. she worked rapidly, often glancing across the field to see if she was even with, or slightly in advance of adam. she said it would never do to let the boy get "heady," so she made a point of keeping even with him, and caring for little poll, "for good measure." she was smiling as she watched him working like a machine as he ripped open husks, gave the ear a twist, tossed it aside, and reached for the next. kate was doing the same thing, quite as automatically. she was beginning to find the afternoon sun almost hot on her bare head, so she turned until it fell on her back. her face was flushed to coral pink, and framed in a loose border of her beautiful hair. she was smiling at the thought of how adam was working to get ahead of her, smiling because little poll looked such a picture of healthy loveliness, smiling because she was so well, she felt super-abundant health rising like a stimulating tide in her body, smiling because the corn was the finest she ever had seen in a commonly cultivated field, smiling because she and adam were of one accord about everything, smiling because the day was very beautiful, because her heart was at peace, her conscience clear. she heard a car stop at her gate, saw a man alight and start across the yard toward the field, and knew that her visitor had seen her, and was coming to her. kate went on husking corn and when the man swung over the fence of the field she saw that he was robert, and instantly thought of mrs. southey, so she ceased to smile. "i've got a big notion to tell him what i think of him," she said to herself, even as she looked up to greet him. instantly she saw that he had come for something. "what is it?" she asked. "agatha," he said. "she's been having some severe heart attacks lately, and she just gave me a real scare." instantly kate forgot everything, except agatha, whom she cordially liked, and robert, who appeared older, more tired, and worried than she ever had seen him. she thought agatha had "given him a real scare," and she decided that it scarcely would have been bad enough to put lines in his face she never had noticed before, dark circles under his eyes, a look of weariness in his bearing. she doubted as she looked at him if he were really courting mrs. southey. even as she thought of these things she was asking: "she's better now?" "yes, easier, but she suffered terribly. adam was upset completely. adam, 3d, and susan and their families are away from home and won't be back for a few days unless i send for them. they went to ohio to visit some friends. i stopped to ask if it would be possible for you to go down this evening and sleep there, so that if there did happen to be a recurrence, adam wouldn't be alone." "of course," said kate, glancing at the baby. "i'll go right away!" "no need for that," he said, "if you'll arrange to stay with adam to-night, as a precaution. you needn't go till bed-time. i'm going back after supper to put them in shape for the night. i'm almost sure she'll be all right now; but you know how frightened we can get about those we love." "yes, i know," said kate, quietly, going straight on ripping open ear after ear of corn. presently she wondered why he did not go. she looked up at him and met his eyes. he was studying her intently. kate was vividly conscious in an instant of her bare wind-teased head, her husking gloves; she was not at all sure that her face was clean. she smiled at him, and picking up the sunbonnet lying beside her, she wiped her face with the skirt. "if this sun hits too long on the same spot, it grows warm," she told him. "kate, i do wish you wouldn't!" he exclaimed abruptly. kate was too forthright for sparring. "why not?" she asked. "for one thing, you are doing a man's work," he said. "for another, i hate to see you burn the loveliest hair i ever saw on the head of a woman, and coarsen your fine skin." kate looked down at the ear of corn she held in her hands, and considered an instant. "there hasn't any man been around asking to relieve me of this work," she said. "i got my start in life doing a man's work, and i'm frank to say that i'd far rather do it any day, than what is usually considered a woman's. as for my looks, i never set a price on them or let them interfere with business, robert." "no, i know you don't," he said. "but it's a pity to spoil you." "i don't know what's the matter with you," said kate, patiently. she bent her head toward him. "feel," she said, "and see if my hair isn't soft and fine. i always cover it in really burning sun; this autumn haze is good for it. my complexion is exactly as smooth and even now, as it was the day i first met you on the footlog over twenty years ago. there's one good thing about the bates women. they wear well. none of us yet have ever faded, and frazzled out. have you got many hartley women, doing what you call women's work, to compare with me physically, robert?" "you know the answer to that," he said. "so i do!" said kate. "i see some of them occasionally, when business calls me that way. now, robert, i'm so well, i feel like running a footrace the first thing when i wake up every morning. i'm making money, i'm starting my boy in a safe, useful life; have you many year and a half babies in your practice that can beat little poll? i'm as happy as it's humanly possible for me to be without mother, and polly, and nancy ellen. mother used always to say that when death struck a family it seldom stopped until it took three. that was my experience, and saving adam and little poll, it took my three dearest; but the separation isn't going to be so very long. if i were you i wouldn't worry about me, robert. there are many women in the world willing to pay for your consideration; save it for them." "kate, i'm sorry i said anything," he said hastily. "i wouldn't offend you purposely, you know." kate looked at him in surprise. "but i'm not offended," she said, snapping an ear and reaching for another. "i am merely telling you! don't give me a thought! i'm all right! if you'll save me an hour the next time little poll has a tooth coming through, you'll have completely earned my gratitude. tell agatha i'll come as soon as i finish my evening work." that was clearly a dismissal, for kate glancing across the field toward adam, saw that he had advanced to a new shock, so she began husking faster than before. chapter xxviii the eleventh hour robert said good-bye and started back toward his car. kate looked after him as he reached the fence. a surge of pity for him swept up in her heart. he seemed far from happy, and he surely was very tired. impulsive as always, she lifted her clear voice and called: "robert!" he paused with his foot on a rail of the fence, and turned toward her. "have you had any dinner?" she asked. he seemed to be considering. "come to think of it, i don't believe i have," he said. "i thought you looked neglected," said kate. "sonny across the field is starting a shock ahead of me; i can't come, but go to the kitchen--the door is unlocked--you'll find fried chicken and some preserves and pickles in the pantry; the bread box is right there, and the milk and butter are in the spring house." he gave kate one long look. "thank you," he said and leaped the fence. he stopped on the front walk and stood a minute, then he turned and went around the house. she laughed aloud. she was sending him to chicken perfectly cooked, barely cold, melon preserves, pickled cucumbers, and bread like that which had for years taken a county fair prize each fall; butter yellow as the goldenrod lining the fences, and cream stiff enough to stand alone. also, he would find neither germ nor mould in her pantry and spring house, while it would be a new experience for him to let him wait on himself. kate husked away in high good humour, but she quit an hour early to be on time to go to agatha. she explained this to adam, when she told him that he would have to milk alone, while she bathed and dressed herself and got supper. when she began to dress, kate examined her hair minutely, and combed it with unusual care. if robert was at agatha's when she got there, she would let him see that her hair was not sunburned and ruined. to match the hair dressing, she reached back in her closet and took down her second best white dress. she was hoping that agatha would be well enough to have a short visit. kate worked so steadily that she seldom saw any of her brothers and sisters during the summer. in winter she spent a day with each of them, if she could possibly manage. anyway, agatha would like to see her appearing well, so she put on the plain snowy linen, and carefully pinning a big apron over it, she went to the kitchen. they always had a full dinner at noon and worked until dusk. her bath had made her later than she intended to be. dusk was deepening, evening chill was beginning to creep into the air. she closed the door, fed little poll and rolled her into bed; set the potatoes boiling, and began mixing the biscuit. she had them just ready to roll when steam lifted the lid of the potato pot; with the soft dough in her hand she took a step to right it. while it was in her fingers, she peered into the pot. she did not look up on the instant the door opened, because she thought it would be adam. when she glanced toward the door, she saw robert standing looking at her. he had stepped inside, closed the door, and with his hand on the knob was waiting for her to see him. "oh! hello!" said kate. "i thought it was adam. have you been to agatha's yet?" "yes. she is very much better," he said. "i only stopped to tell you that her mother happened to come out for the night, and they'll not need you." "i'm surely glad she is better," said kate, "but i'm rather disappointed. i've been swimming, and i'm all ready to go." she set the pot lid in place accurately and gave her left hand a deft turn to save the dough from dripping. she glanced from it to robert, expecting to see him open the door and disappear. instead he stood looking at her intently. suddenly he said: "kate, will you marry me?" kate mechanically saved the dough again, as she looked at the pot an instant, then she said casually: "sure! it would be splendid to have a doctor right in the house when little poll cuts her double teeth." "thank you!" said robert, tersely. "no doubt that would be a privilege, but i decline to marry you in order to see little poll safely through teething. good-night!" he stepped outside and closed the door very completely, and somewhat pronouncedly. kate stood straight an instant, then realized biscuit dough was slowly creeping down her wrist. with a quick fling, she shot the mass into the scrap bucket and sinking on the chair she sat on to peel vegetables, she lifted her apron, laid her head on her knees, and gave a big gulping sob or two. then she began to cry silently. a minute later the door opened again. that time it had to be adam, but kate did not care what he saw or what he thought. she cried on in perfect abandon. then steps crossed the room, someone knelt beside her, put an arm around her and said: "kate, why are you crying?" kate lifted her head suddenly, and applied her apron skirt. "none of your business," she said to robert's face, six inches from hers. "are you so anxious as all this about little poll's teeth?" he asked. "oh, drat little poll's teeth!" cried kate, the tears rolling uninterruptedly. "then why did you say that to me?" he demanded. "well, you said you 'only stopped to tell me that i needn't go to agatha's,'" she explained. "i had to say something, to get even with you!" "oh," said robert, and took possession. kate put her arms around his neck, drew his head against hers, and knew a minute of complete joy. when adam entered the house his mother was very busy. she was mixing more biscuit dough, she was laughing like a girl of sixteen, she snatched out one of their finest tablecloths, and put on many extra dishes for supper, while uncle robert, looking like a different man, was helping her. he was actually stirring the gravy, and getting the water, and setting up chairs. and he was under high tension, too. he was saying things of no moment, as if they were profound wisdom, and laughing hilariously at things that were scarcely worth a smile. adam looked on, and marvelled and all the while his irritation grew. at last he saw a glance of understanding pass between them. he could endure it no longer. "oh, you might as well say what you think," he burst forth. "you forgot to pull down the blinds." both the brazen creatures laughed as if that were a fine joke. they immediately threw off all reserve. by the time the meal was finished, adam was struggling to keep from saying the meanest things he could think of. also, he had to go to milly, with nothing very definite to tell. but when he came back, his mother was waiting for him. she said at once: "adam, i'm very sorry the blind was up to-night. i wanted to talk to you, and tell you myself, that the first real love for a man that i have ever known, is in my heart to-night." "why, mother!" said adam. "it's true," said kate, quietly. "you see adam, the first time i ever saw robert gray, i knew, and he knew, that he had made a mistake in engaging himself to nancy ellen; but the thing was done, she was happy, we simply realized that we would have done better together, and let it go at that. but all these years i have known that i could have made him a wife who would have come closer to his ideals than my sister, and she should have had the man who wanted to marry me. they would have had a wonderful time together." "and where did my father come in?" asked adam, quietly. "he took advantage of my blackest hour," said kate. "i married him when i positively didn't care what happened to me. the man i could have loved was married to my sister, the man i could have married and lived with in comfort to both of us was out of the question; it was in the bates blood to marry about the time i did; i had seen only the very best of your father, and he was an attractive lover, not bad looking, not embarrassed with one single scruple--it's the way of the world. i took it. i paid for it. only god knows how dearly i paid; but adam, if you love me, stand by me now. let me have this eleventh hour happiness, with no alloy. anything i feel for your uncle robert has nothing in the world to do with my being your mother; with you being my son. kiss me, and tell me you're glad, adam." adam rose up and put his arms around his mother. all his resentment was gone. he was happy as he could be for his mother, and happier than he ever before had been for himself. the following afternoon, kate took the car and went to see agatha instead of husking corn. she dressed with care and arrived about three o'clock, leading poll in whitest white, with cheeks still rosy from her afternoon nap. agatha was sitting up and delighted to see them. she said they were the first of the family who had come to visit her, and she thought they had come because she was thinking of them. then she told kate about her illness. she said it dated from father bates stroke, and the dreadful days immediately following, when adam had completely lost self-control, and she had not been able to influence him. "i think it broke my heart," she said simply. then they talked the family over, and at last agatha said: "kate, what is this i hear about robert? have you been informed that mrs. southey is back in hartley, and that she is working every possible chance and using multifarious blandishments on him?" kate laughed heartily and suddenly. she never had heard "blandishments" used in common conversation. as she struggled to regain self-possession agatha spoke again. "it's no laughing matter," she said. "the report has every ear-mark of verisimilitude. the bates family has a way of feeling deeply. we all loved nancy ellen. we all suffered severely and lost something that never could be replaced when she went. of course all of us realized that robert would enter the bonds of matrimony again; none of us would have objected, even if he remarried soon; but all of us do object to his marrying a woman who would have broken nancy ellen's heart if she could; and yesterday i took advantage of my illness, and told him so. then i asked him why a man of his standing and ability in this community didn't frustrate that unprincipled creature's vermiculations toward him, by marrying you, at once." slowly kate sank down in her chair. her face whitened and then grew greenish. she breathed with difficulty. "oh, agatha!" was all she could say. "i do not regret it," said agatha. "if he is going to ruin himself, he is not going to do it without knowing that the bates family highly disapprove of his course." "but why drag me in?" said kate, almost too shocked to speak at all. "maybe he loves mrs. southey. she has let him see how she feels about him; possibly he feels the same about her." "he does, if he weds her," said agatha, conclusively. "anything any one could say or do would have no effect, if he had centred his affections upon her, of that you may be very sure." "may i?" asked kate, dully. "indeed, you may!" said agatha. "the male of the species, when he is a man of robert's attainments and calibre, can be swerved from pursuit of the female he covets, by nothing save extinction." "you mean," said kate with an effort, "that if robert asked a woman to marry him, it would mean that he loved her." "indubitably!" cried agatha. kate laughed until she felt a little better, but she went home in a mood far different from that in which she started. then she had been very happy, and she had intended to tell agatha about her happiness, the very first of all. now she was far from happy. possibly--a thousand things, the most possible, that robert had responded to agatha's suggestion, and stopped and asked her that abrupt question, from an impulse as sudden and inexplicable as had possessed her when she married george holt. kate fervently wished she had gone to the cornfield as usual that afternoon. "that's the way it goes," she said angrily, as she threw off her better dress and put on her every-day gingham to prepare supper. "that's the way it goes! stay in your element, and go on with your work, and you're all right. leave your job and go trapesing over the country, wasting your time, and you get a heartache to pay you. i might as well give up the idea that i'm ever to be happy, like anybody else. every time i think happiness is coming my way, along comes something that knocks it higher than gilderoy's kite. hang the luck!" she saw robert pass while she was washing the dishes, and knew he was going to agatha's, and would stop when he came back. she finished her work, put little poll to bed, and made herself as attractive as she knew how in her prettiest blue dress. all the time she debated whether she would say anything to him about what agatha had said or not. she decided she would wait awhile, and watch how he acted. she thought she could soon tell. so when robert came, she was as nearly herself as possible, but when he began to talk about being married soon, the most she would say was that she would begin to think about it at christmas, and tell him by spring. robert was bitterly disappointed. he was very lonely; he needed better housekeeping than his aged mother was capable of, to keep him up to a high mark in his work. neither of them was young any longer; he could see no reason why they should not be married at once. of the reason in kate's mind, he had not a glimmering. but kate had her way. she would not even talk of a time, or express an opinion as to whether she would remain on the farm, or live in nancy ellen's house, or sell it and build whatever she wanted for herself. robert went away baffled, and disappointed over some intangible thing he could not understand. for six weeks kate tortured herself, and kept robert from being happy. then one morning agatha stopped to visit with her, while adam drove on to town. after they had exhausted farming, little poll's charms, and the neighbours, agatha looked at kate and said: "katherine, what is this i hear about robert coming here every day, now? it appeals to me that he must have followed my advice." "of course he never would have thought of coming, if you hadn't told him so," said kate dryly. "now there you are in error," said the literal agatha, as she smoothed down little poll's skirts and twisted her ringlets into formal corkscrews. "right there, you are in error, my dear. the reason i told robert to marry you was because he said to me, when he suggested going after you to stay the night with me, that he had seen you in the field when he passed, and that you were the most glorious specimen of womanhood that he ever had seen. he said you were the one to stay with me, in case there should be any trouble, because your head was always level, and your heart was big as a barrel." "yes, that's the reason i can't always have it with me," said kate, looking glorified instead of glorious. "agatha, it just happens to mean very much to me. will you just kindly begin at the beginning, and tell me every single word robert said to you, and you said to him, that day?" "why, i have informed you explicitly," said agatha, using her handkerchief on the toe of poll's blue shoe. "he mentioned going after you, and said what i told you, and i told him to go. he praised you so highly that when i spoke to him about the southey woman i remembered it, so i suggested to him, as he seemed to think so well of you. it just that minute flashed into my mind; but he made me think of it, calling you 'glorious,' and 'level headed,' and 'big hearted.' heavens! katherine eleanor, what more could you ask?" "i guess that should be enough," said kate. "one certainly would presume so," said agatha. then adam came, and handed kate her mail as she stood beside his car talking to him a minute, while agatha settled herself. as kate closed the gate behind her, she saw a big, square white envelope among the newspapers, advertisements, and letters. she slipped it out and looked at it intently. then she ran her finger under the flap and read the contents. she stood studying the few lines it contained, frowning deeply. "doesn't it beat the band?" she asked of the surrounding atmosphere. she went up the walk, entered the living room, slipped the letter under the lid of the big family bible, and walking to the telephone she called dr. gray's office. he answered the call in person. "robert, this is kate," she said. "would you have any deeply rooted objections to marrying me at six o'clock this evening?" "well, i should say not!" boomed robert's voice, the "not" coming so forcibly kate dodged. "have you got the information necessary for a license?" she asked. "yes," he answered. "then bring one, and your minister, and come at six," she said. "and oh, yes, robert, will it be all right with you if i stay here and keep house for adam until he and milly can be married and move in? then i'll come to your house just as it is. i don't mind coming to nancy ellen's home, as i would another woman's." "surely!" he cried. "any arrangement you make will satisfy me." "all right, i'll expect you with the document and the minister at six, then," said kate, and hung up the receiver. then she took it down again and calling milly, asked her to bring her best white dress, and come up right away, and help her get ready to entertain a few people that evening. then she called her sister hannah, and asked her if she thought that in the event she, kate, wished that evening at six o'clock to marry a very fine man, and had no preparations whatever made, her family would help her out to the extent of providing the supper. she wanted all of them, and all the children, but the arrangement had come up suddenly, and she could not possibly prepare a supper herself, for such a big family, in the length of time she had. hannah said she was perfectly sure everyone of them would drop everything, and be tickled to pieces to bring the supper, and to come, and they would have a grand time. what did kate want? oh, she wanted bread, and chicken for meat, maybe some potato chips, and angel's food cake, and a big freezer or two of agatha's best ice cream, and she thought possibly more butter, and coffee, than she had on hand. she had plenty of sugar, and cream, and pickles and jelly. she would have the tables all set as she did for christmas. then kate rang for adam and put a broom in his hand as he entered the back door. she met milly with a pail of hot water and cloths to wash the glass. she went to her room and got out her best afternoon dress of dull blue with gold lace and a pink velvet rose. she shook it out and studied it. she had worn it twice on the trip north. none of them save adam ever had seen it. she put it on, and looked at it critically. then she called milly and they changed the neck and sleeves a little, took a yard of width from the skirt, and behold! it became a "creation," in the very height of style. then kate opened her trunk, and got out the petticoat, hose, and low shoes to match it, and laid them on her bed. then they set the table, laid a fire ready to strike in the cook stove, saw that the gas was all right, set out the big coffee boiler, and skimmed a crock full of cream. by four o'clock, they could think of nothing else to do. then kate bathed and went to her room to dress. adam and milly were busy making themselves fine. little poll sat in her prettiest dress, watching her beloved "tate," until adam came and took her. he had been instructed to send robert and the minister to his mother's room as soon as they came. kate was trying to look her best, yet making haste, so that she would be ready on time. she had made no arrangements except to spread a white goatskin where she and robert would stand at the end of the big living room near her door. before she was fully dressed she began to hear young voices and knew that her people were coming. when she was ready kate looked at herself and muttered: "i'll give robert and all of them a good surprise. this is a real dress, thanks to nancy ellen. the poor girl! it's scarcely fair to her to marry her man in a dress she gave me; but i'd stake my life she'd rather i'd have him than any other woman." it was an evening of surprises. at six, adam lighted a big log, festooned with leaves and berries so that the flames roared and crackled up the chimney. the early arrivals were the young people who had hung the mantel, gas fixtures, curtain poles and draped the doors with long sprays of bittersweet, northern holly, and great branches of red spice berries, dogwood with its red leaves and berries, and scarlet and yellow oak leaves. the elders followed and piled the table with heaps of food, then trailed red vines between dishes. in a quandary as to what to wear, without knowing what was expected of him further than saying "i will," at the proper moment, robert ended by slipping into kate's room, dressed in white flannel. the ceremony was over at ten minutes after six. kate was lovely, robert was handsome, everyone was happy, the supper was a banquet. the bates family went home, adam disappeared with milly, while little poll went to sleep. left to themselves, robert took kate in his arms and tried to tell her how much he loved her, but felt he expressed himself poorly. as she stood before him, he said: "and now, dear, tell me what changed you, and why we are married to-night instead of at christmas, or in the spring." "oh, yes," said kate, "i almost forgot! why, i wanted you to answer a letter for me." "lucid!" said robert. he seated himself beside the table. "bring on the ink and stationary, and let me get it over." kate obeyed, and with the writing material, laid down the letter she had that morning received from john jardine, telling her that his wife had died suddenly, and that as soon as he had laid her away, he was coming to exact a definite promise from her as to the future; and that he would move heaven and earth before he would again be disappointed. robert read the letter and laid it down, his face slowing flushing scarlet. "you called me out here, and married me expressly to answer this?" he demanded. "of course!" said kate. "i thought if you could tell him that his letter came the day i married you, it would stop his coming, and not be such a disappointment to him." robert pushed the letter from him violently, and arose "by----!" he checked himself and stared at her. "kate, you don't mean that!" he cried. "tell me, you don't mean that!" "why, sure i do," said kate. "it gave me a fine excuse. i was so homesick for you, and tired waiting to begin life with you. agatha told me about her telling you the day she was ill, to marry me; and the reason i wouldn't was because i thought maybe you asked me so offhandlike, because she told you to, and you didn't really love me. then this morning she was here, and we were talking, and she got round it again, and then she told me all you said, and i saw you did love me, and that you would have asked me if she hadn't said anything, and i wanted you so badly. robert, ever since that day we met on the footlog, i've know that you were the only man i'd every really want to marry. robert, i've never come anywhere near loving anybody else. the minute agatha told me this morning, i began to think how i could take back what i'd been saying, how i could change, and right then adam handed me that letter, and it gave me a fine way out, and so i called you. sure, i married you to answer that, robert; now go and do it." "all right," he said. "in a minute." then he walked to her and took her in his arms again, but kate could not understand why he was laughing until he shook when he kissed her. 